Timothyj.29104's Quotes Page #80

Here's the list of quotes submitted by timothyj.29104  —  There are currently 5,730 quotes total — keep up the great work!

[Jon and Mike play Scrabble]

Mike:
"Meatus".

Jon:
Uh, what is Meatus?

Mike:
Meatus is an anatomical term.

Jon:
It refers to any natural body opening or canal. For instance, the opening of the urethra. It's pretty much the hole on the tip of your penis.

Jon:
Alright, uh, I guess you learn something new every day. And today, that new something is what the hole on my "huh" is called. [laughs]

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added 3 months ago

[Yvgeny does comedy]

Yvgeny:
So, uh, gas prices keep going up and up. It's crazy. I don't really care. I'm just glad that cars don't run on vodka.

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added 3 months ago

Susan:
[to DJ] Put some music on. Just -- There's more dancing. Um, thanks.

Jon:
Hey, don't forget I paid for this, too. I paid for everything that you're eating, and I paid for everything you're gonna go to the bathroom later. When that comes out of your body, I paid for that. You'll thank me for it when you're wiping your ass.

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added 3 months ago

Susan:
Didn't David do a great job? I'm so proud of him.

Jon:
He was terrific, and it's too bad he was not wearing his mask.

Susan:
Okay. Jon, take today off. You have a good time, alright?

Jon:
Okay, I'm waving the white flag that has black checkers on it, also.

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added 3 months ago

David:
[on phone] Whatever. Religion's all, like, hocus-pocus, anyway. Okay, see you when you get back. Okay, bye.

Jon:
Who's that?

David:
My girlfriend.

Jon:
Ohh! New York girlfriend already. Nice!

David:
Yeah, she's in Barba-dos with her family, so she can't make it.

Jon:
You mean Bar-bay-dos.

David:
No, no, I think it's Bar-bih-dos.

Jon:
Hmm, Barbados.

David:
Rihanna pronounces it "Barba-dos", and she's from Barba-dos.

Jon:
You mean Ree-anna...

David:
No, it's "Rihanna".

Jon:
..who's from Barbados.

David:
No -- No, it's Barb-dos. It's not --

Jon:
Yeah, it's Barbados.

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added 3 months ago

[Susan finally takes off her mask]

Jon:
Wow. Actually did it. What a huge mistake.

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added 3 months ago

Jay 2:
Hey, guys. Get you a cab?

Jon:
Uh, where's Jay?

Jay 2:
Oh, Jay quit.

Jon:
Why?

Jay 2:
I don't know.

Jon:
Uh, oh, well, I'm Jon.

Jay 2:
Oh, hey. I'm Jay.

Jon:
...Your name is also Jay.

Jay 2:
Yes.

[Jon rethinks his memory a sec when he met the first Jay wearing a fake mustache]

Jon:
Is that a fake mustache?

Jay 2:
No.

Jon:
Uh, okay, then. Nice to meet you. Yep.

[Jay 2 checks his fake mustache]

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added 3 months ago

Mike:
Morse ska-coda is mostly guys from Skapoleon, because Skapoleon broke up.

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added 3 months ago

Jon:
You know, David's Bar Mitzvah is obviously not happening under the best circumstances, but I'm still excited.

Mike:
Well, you should be. It's a big day.

Jon:
No, I know. It's just the one thing I'm not happy about is that, you know, he's going through a big ska phase right now. And instead of calling it his Bar Mitzvah, he insists everyone call it his "Ska Mitzvah".

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added 3 months ago

Jon:
So, what's up? What's, uh...

Susan:
Well, I, um, I just wanted to let you know that, um, David and I are going to remove our ski masks and our vocal harmonizers for his Bar Mitzvah this weekend.

Jon:
Uh, no, you're not. What are you talking about? Are you crazy?

Susan:
Do you know what? This is end of discussion.

Jon:
There is no discussion about this...

Susan:
No. That's fine.

Jon:
...'cause you're not taking them off.

Susan:
Then -- Then we're in agreement. I will see you Saturday.

Jon:
We are not in agreement.

Susan:
Bye-bye.

Jon:
This is not gonna happen. Susan! Absolu--

[Susan leaves]

Mike:
See you at the Bar Mitzvah!

Jon:
"See you at the Bar Mitzvah"?

Mike:
What, did I say it wrong?

Jon:
Well, you said it right, Mike. How about "You know what, Susan, Jon is right -- That is a terrible idea because you'll be murdered along with your son"... instead of "See you at the Bar Mitzvah"!

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added 3 months ago

[Jon finds Susan in a park]

Jon:
Susan? Susan. Hey, I thought that was you.

Susan:
[sarcastic] Oh, wow. How'd you figure that out?

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added 3 months ago

Seth:
Jon, I know you're not happy about this, but I don't really know what to tell you. Part of your life is that the Russian Mob wants you dead. What am I supposed to do, not cover that? That would be like doing a reality show about...Justin Timberlake and not showing his, uh...beautiful body.

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added 3 months ago

Yvgeny:
Father -- You will not sit in jail in vain. And Paul rudd will not have died in vain. I will kill this man from the Witness Protection Program...if it's the last thing I do. This Witness Protection Program, or my name isn't...Yvgeny Mirminsky.

Yvgeny:
Wait, how did cameras get into my apartment?

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added 3 months ago

Russian Caller:
Were you successful?

Yvgeny:
No.

Russian Caller:
What do you mean -- What happened?

Yvgeny:
I accidentally killed someone else.

Russian Caller:
What?? Who?

Yvgeny:
Paul Rudd.

Russian Caller:
Paul Rudd? The actor?

Yvgeny:
Yes.

Russian Caller:
Oh god. He was great in "Tennis, Anyone?".

Yvgeny:
I also liked "The Object of My Affection". I just rented it.

Russian Caller:
You have really screwed up, Ygenvy. Oh, god. I can't believe Paul Rudd is dead. I just TiVo'd "The Chateau". I'm going to go watch it. [hangs up]

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added 3 months ago

Jon:
Excuse me, uh...I'm sorry. You're Paul Rudd, right?

Paul Rudd:
Yeah.

Jon:
I'm a big fan.

Paul Rudd:
Oh. Oh, thanks. Thank you.

Jon:
Yeah. Really great stuff, uh, love the -- "The Locusts". That's one of my favorite movies.

Paul Rudd:
Wow. [chuckles] Yeah, you and 10 other --

[suddenly Paul Rudd got shot]

Jon:
Holy... [bleep]

Mike:
Man down.

Jon:
Paul?

Mike:
Suspect on foot. In pursuit.

Jon:
Paul? OH, MY GOD! Paul? Oh, god. Paul Rudd is dead? [sobbing] He was in "Anchorman"...and the "The 40-Year Old Virgin". He was in "The Shape of Things". He was in "Clueless" and "Romeo and Juliet". He did a thing in "Reno 911!: Miami". "The Cider House Rules". "P.S.". "The Oh In Ohio". "Knocked Up". He had a series of broadway credits. "The Last Knight of Ballyhoo". "Three Days of Rain" With Julia Roberts". "Twelfth Night At Lincoln Center". F***! F***!

Mike:
He was in "House Hunting".

Jon:
What?

Mike:
"House Hunting".

Jon:
[sobbing] He was in "House Hunting". [wailing]

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added 3 months ago

[Jon tries out a new sweater]

Jon:
Huh? Not bad, right? Kind of complements the mask a little bit. Yeah, nothing like a shopping spree to celebrate getting back on the old horse.

Mike:
You look good.

Jon:
Yeah, this is just the type of sweater Susan would hate.

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added 3 months ago

Jon:
"A bottle of red or a bottle of white -- Whatever get me laid tonight". Billy Joel.

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added 3 months ago

Jon:
I got to say, it took balls the size of my balls to suggest I start dating right away, but, uh, you know, what can I say? Mike was right.

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added 3 months ago

Jon:
Where the f***ing laser paper? I have no idea where that sh*t is.

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added 3 months ago

Rick:
You know, when your producers called me and asked how I felt about having someone from the Witness Protection program working here, I was sure it was Craig from corporate playing a joke on me.

Jon:
[laughs] F***ing Craig! That dick.

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added 3 months ago

Jon:
[singing] I want to be a part of New York City.

[Jon opens the door to their new apartment room at 1-H]

Jon:
What the f***?

Susan:
Wow. What a box.

David:
I thought you said it was a loft.

Jon:
It's supposed to be a loft. This is not right.

Jon:
[on phone] Yeah, hi. It's Jon. Yeah, hey, what the f*** is going on? What do you mean, what do I mean? I'm in the apartment. That's my point. It's not a loft. It's a studio. Bullsh*t! That's not what we talked about at all, and that is not what you showed me in the brochure. Why else would I put my family on camera and risk them being murdered if I wasn't in a sweet loft? That's what makes it worth it. Three days and we're in there. [hang up]

Jon:
Alright, guys, here's the deal.

Susan:
"Risk my family being murdered"? Are you kidding me?!

Jon:
Susan, Susan.

Susan:
I can't believe I let you talk me into this.

Jon:
Susan, relax. I just said all that stuff to get us in the loft.

Susan:
I'm taking David to a hotel. I need to figure some stuff out.

Jon:
Susan, come on. Are you serious? Susan, wait a second.

Susan:
Work it out on your own.

Jon:
Susan!

[Susan and David leaves]

Mike:
Mother and Son coming out. Meet them in front.

Jon:
[exhales deeply] Uh, I think my wife just let me. And she took my son because the show screwed up and we're not in a loft. And I...said that they would be murdered. Oh, my god! Oh, my god. Oh, my god. F***!

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added 3 months ago

Jay:
Hi, folks.

Jon:
Hi.

Jay:
Welcome to your new home. My name is Jay. I'm the doorman.

Susan:
Hello.

Jon:
Hey, Jay. I'm Jon. This is my wife, Susan, and my son, David.

Jay:
Pleasure to meet you folks. Sorry about all the construction. Should be done in a couple weeks. But you're all set up in 1-H.

David:
Is that a fake mustache?

Jon:
David!

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added 3 months ago

Jon:
So, Susan and David aren't crazy about doing the show. Susan thinks we're putting ourselves in danger. She's got David in a panic that he's gonna be killed. What's the worst that's gonna happen? I become super-famous and we get divorced 'cause of how laid I'm getting? [laughs]

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added 3 months ago

Mike:
Okay, guys. Here's the deal. Basically, to preserve your anonymity, you'll be wearing the ski masks whenever you're on camera, which will be just about all the time. And the surgery you all had to put micro-titanium voice harmonizer right on your vocal cords was to permanently disguise your voices.

Jon:
I think it makes us sound pretty cool. [laughs]

Susan:
Listen, I want to go on record by saying I hate my security name. "Susan"? Why didn't I get to pick it?

Mike:
Just a government regulation.

Susan:
Well, I would have preferred to have been called "Jodie" or "Diane".

Jon:
Oh, "Jodie" or "Diane"...

Susan:
Yeah!

Jon:
...is a million times better than "Susan". You're right.

Susan:
I think so.

David:
What about you, Mike? Are you staying here?

Mike:
No, no. Now, don't you worry. I'm coming with you guys. [chuckles]

Mike:
So, all that remains to be done now is for you guys to get to New York and start your new lives. Everyone excited?

Jon:
Yeah! Let's do this, guys, huh? Let's get fired up! [imitates chainsaw] Fire up the fire-up chainsaw! [singing] New York City! Brr, na, no-na, na-no. We're going down to New York City. Neo-r-r-r. OWWW!

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added 3 months ago

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