Timothyj.29104's Quotes Page #79

Here's the list of quotes submitted by timothyj.29104  —  There are currently 6,896 quotes total — keep up the great work!

Judd Winner:
I want you to go undercover and tail my wife 24/7. I want you to know everywhere she goes, everyone she meets. Areola, bring in the costumes.

[Areola bring in costumes]

Areola:
You may find these useful for going undercover.

Stroker:
Areola, huh. Nice rack. [laughs]

Hoop:
Let's see here, plumber, pool man, pizza boy. Oh, Hobbit!

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

Judd Winner:
Judd Winner did not make millions of dollars with "Gals Gone Wild" volumes 1-20 so his wife could take advantage of him. Judd Winner did it to sleep with horny college girls. Judd Winner cheats. Judd Winner does not get cheated on.

Stroker:
Women.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

Leslie:
[on phone] Hey, honey, I was wondering if on your way home you could pick something up for me.

Judd Winner:
Sorry. I'm working late, hon.

Leslie:
What's that noise?

Judd Winner:
Just stapling some reports.

Leslie:
Well, don't forget, I have my book club tonight.

Judd Winner:
Book club? What book club?

Leslie:
I told you about the book club.

Judd Winner:
You're cheating on me, aren't you?

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

Grobbit #1:
Elf Queen, we must destroy the ring to lift the curse on this land.

Elf Queen:
Your journey will be hard, little grobbits. Your members must travel through the dark forest, and forge the ring in the fiery volcano of Gordoor.

Grobbit #1:
Where is Gordoor?

Elf Queen:
I am Gordoor, [lifts up her gown] AND THIS IS MY VOLCANO!

Grobbit #1:
Let's tap that elf ass.

Elf Queen:
Oh, forge me! Forge me hard!

Grobbit #1:
Cut. Cut. Sorry. My pants got caught on this friggin' curly shoe.

Judd Winner:
Damn it, damn it, damn it! This is a porno. You're Dildo Gaggins. Grab her ass already.

Grobbit #1:
I can't reach it.

Grobbit #2:
I-I could stand on your shoulder and do her.

Judd Winner:
Screw it. I'll do it myself. We'll fix it in post. Action.

Judd Winner:
Princess, bend your ass over this chair here. [cell phone rings] Oh, damn it!

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

[after Stroker and Hoop, and the gang leave Mississippi, Hoop sees Moo-Moo again picking up litter in the grass]

Hoop:
Well, see you later, cousin. You may be a crazy murderer, but you're still family.

Moo-Moo:
HELP, GUYS! I'M HOOP! YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG GUY! MOO-MOO'S IN THE CARE WITH YOU. YOU'RE MAKING A TERRIBLE MISTAKE.

Hoop:
Aw, gimme a break, alright?

Moo-Moo:
YOU BASTARD!

[while they were leaving Mississippi]

C.A.R.R.:
Stroker, what if he's right? What if we got Hoop and Moo-Moo mixed up?

Hoop:
Knock it off, C.A.R.R.

[Hoop then devilishly smiles revealing that Hoop's Cousin is, Moo-Moo sitting in the car with them]

Stroker:
Wait, what's that? Did you just do an evil smile?

Moo-Moo (as Hoop):
What? No.

Stroker:
No, no, I saw it in the rearview. You wringing your hands and doing an evil smile.

Moo-Moo (as Hoop):
No, no, no. That was not an evil smile. It was an all's well that ends well smile.

Double-Wide:
I don't know. That didn't seem like an all's well that ends well smile to me.

C.A.R.R.:
We better go back and double check.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

Mayor:
Ah, we really appreciate all y'all's help in solving the case.

Hoop:
I just wish we could have done it before 29 girls were murdered and turned into food products.

Mayor:
Oh, no. No apologies necessary. The murders were great for tourism. We've got a serial killer bus tour now, and they're turning Moo-Moo's house into a museum. And guess what.

Stroker:
What?

Mayor:
They're gonna make a tv movie about us on TNT. [laughs] U-Unfortunately, they're shooting it in Canada.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

[before Tio was about to kill Stroker and Hoop, the Rebs getting into a fight against Tio and Rico to protect the investigating detectives]

Tio the Terrible:
The redneck hillbillies...shot me.

Reb #3:
Who you calling hillbillies, you dumb colombians? You're probably drug lords. Not all southerns are redneck hillbillies, you know.

Tio the Terrible:
Well, not all colombians are drug lords...although I am.

Reb #3:
Yeah, I confess, I am a little redneck myself.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

[Stroker shows up to see which one's the real Hoop]

Hoop:
Stroker, it's me! Shoot Moo-Moo!

Moo-Moo:
No, I'm Hoop.

Stroker:
Both of you, drop your weapons!

Hoop:
No way.

Moo-Moo:
If I do, he'll shoot me.

Stroker:
Damn it. They look exactly the same

Reb #3:
Well, not exactly the same. They, ahem, dress to different sides.

Stroker:
What?

Reb #3:
You know. Dress. [pointing to his pants]

[Stroker then sees that Hoop and Moo-Moo are both wearing the same short pants]

Hoop:
[to Stroker] What are you looking at my penis for?

Stroker:
Eenie meenie minie Moo-Moo.

[Stroker shoots one of Moo-Moo's legs]

Moo-Moo:
OW!

Hoop:
Good job, Stroker! For a second there, I thought--

[Stroker also shoots one of Hoop's legs as well]

Stroker:
Now I can figure out who's who at my leisure.

Hoop:
[in pain] YOU COULD HAVE JUST ASKED ME SOME QUESTIONS ABOUT OUR LIVES THAT ONLY I WOULD KNOW! ARGH!

Stroker:
That might have worked.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

[after Hoop won the pageant show]

Moo-Moo:
Congratulations, Hoop. Now hand over the tiara.

Hoop:
[gives the tiara to his cousin] Looks like your plan almost worked. You just forgot one thing.

Moo-Moo:
What's that?

Hoop:
[pulls out his gun to his cousin] Always check the fanny pack.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

[the yankees sees Stroker who looked like an Reb]

Yankee #1:
Hey, where the hell does he think he's going? The western assault's not till 12:00, huh? [to Yankee #2] Hey, let's give him a scare. Hey, dirty reb!

[Yankee #2 scares Stroker with a rifle]

Stroker:
Holy crap! [pulls out his gun and shoots Yankee #1's drink]

Yankee #1:
Whoa! He's shooting real bullets there. Get the live ammo!

[Stroker escaped and suddenly went to the reb's side]

Reb #1:
It's the Yanks!

Reb #2:
What the hell happened, soldier? Why ain't they using blanks?

Stroker:
Oh, um, because they're yankee scum.

Reb #1:
Get your live ammo, boys. Yee-haw!

Stroker:
Which way is town? I've got to save a friend.

Reb #2:
Over the hill, straight through the Vidalutha Outlet Center.

Reb #1:
But it's swarming with yanks on account of the sale at Niketown.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

Jeff:
This authentic hardtack sucks.

Yankee:
They wouldn't have said "sucks" in civil war times, Jeff.

Jeff:
We're not re-enacting yet.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

Double-Wide:
Ah, I don't get it. It's saying they should be right here. Somebody must have pulled the tracking device off and thrown it in the swamp. I guess Stroker and Hoop are smarter than I thought. Well, gentlemen, I guess this is the end of the line for us.

[Rico pulls up his gun at Double Wide]

Tio the Terrible:
You mean for you. Heh heh heh!

Double-Wide:
[worried] You're not gonna cut my balls off, aren't you?

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

[Moo-Moo sprays water on Hoop with a hose]

Hoop:
Moo, you got to believe me! I didn't do it!

Moo-Moo:
I know you didn't, Hoop. [pulls up his gun] I did it...dressed as you.

Hoop:
Moo-Moo! So Stroker was right about the corrupt sheriff!

Moo-Moo:
Of course he was.

Hoop:
You clichedly evil bastard. Why?

Moo-Moo:
As a child, I dreamed of someday being crowned Miss Southern Delicacy. But despite my beauty and poise, I knew I'd never win for one simple reason.

Hoop:
You're a man?

Moo-Moo:
Because I couldn't win the talent portion. But with your disguise and your sweet singing voice, this could be my year.

Hoop:
How?

Moo-Moo:
If you were disguised as me disguised as a woman, you could help me win the talent portion.

Hoop:
Listen, Moo, I appreciate the vote of confidence, but I wouldn't stand a snowball's chance against Miss Boiled Peanuts.

Moo-Moo:
She's dead.

Hoop:
There's still the matter of Miss Buttermilk Fried Chicken.

Moo-Moo:
[shakes his head meaning "No"]

Hoop:
Miss Chicken and Dumplings.

Moo-Moo:
[shakes his head meaning "No"]

Hoop:
Miss Banana Pudding.

Moo-Moo:
[shakes his head meaning "No"]

Hoop:
Damn, you're fast.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

[Stroker and C.A.R.R. gets into a dead end in the swamp]

Stroker:
Damn it! We're gonna have to jump the swamp.

C.A.R.R.:
There's no way we'll make it.

Stroker:
There's only one way to find out.

[as Stroker and C.A.R.R. tries to jump from the swamp, the scene pauses]

Southern Narrator:
Well, it looks like the boys have gotten themselves in quite a mess this time. I wonder how they'll ever get out of this fix.

[as the scene plays, spoiler alert, they didn't make it]

Stroker:
Oh, crap.

C.A.R.R.:
You son of a b*tch!

Stroker:
Sorry, C.A.R.R.

[Stroker tries to unlock the car door, but won't open]

C.A.R.R.:
Automatic windows are shorted. I guess we're in this together.

[Stroker then uses his gun to smash C.A.R.R.'s window to get himself freed]

C.A.R.R.:
OW! HEY!

Stroker:
I'll be back, C.A.R.R.

C.A.R.R.:
A captain never leaves his ship. [gurgling]

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

Moo-Moo:
Stroker, Hoop.

Stroker:
Sheriff.

Hoop:
Moo.

Moo-Moo:
Y'all wouldn't mind if we took a quick peek in the trunk, would you?

Stroker:
No, you don't want to look in there.

C.A.R.R.:
[opens up his trunk] Oh, go right ahead, officer.

Stroker:
Damn it, C.A.R.R.

Moo-Moo:
Just as I feared.

[Moo-Moo takes off a piece of one of Miss Hoecakes toes and ate it]

Moo-Moo:
Yup. Miss Hoecakes.

C.A.R.R.:
What? There's a body in my trunk? You bastards!

Hoop:
It's not how it looks.

Moo-Moo:
The timing of the killing, the fancy california ingredients like jalapeno and avocado. How could you, Stroker and Hoop?

Hoop:
Well, I guess there's nothing to do but turn ourselves in and trust in the american justice system. [gets out of the car and gives up]

Stroker:
Screw that. [drives out of here with the body]

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

[Double-Wide tries to call Stroker while in the bathroom]

Stroker:
Not now, Double Wide. [hangs up]

Double-Wide:
Damn it.

[Tio and Rico shows up]

Tio the Terrible:
What are you doing on the phone?

Double-Wide:
What? I'm not on the phone. It's a toilet.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

[after Miss Hoecakes was murdered in a tanning bed, Stroker and Hoop silently puts the body in C.A.R.R.'s trunk]

C.A.R.R.:
Hey, howdy, fellas. Whatch y'all got there?

Stroker:
Uh, just a rug.

Hoop:
Yeah, I spilled some grape juice on it. We're gonna get it cleaned up so the hotel won't charge us.

[as they put the body in C.A.R.R.'s trunk, C.A.R.R. starts to smell something funny while they're driving off]

C.A.R.R.:
Man, it stinks in here. Is that dog crap on that rug?

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

[Stroker interrogates all the hillbillies who murdered the pageant women]

Stroker:
Sure is hot in here, ain't it, boy?

Hillbilly #1:
Not so hot, really, with the air conditioning and all.

Stroker:
Eh, you're gonna play it that way, huh? About this time of night, I like to kick back and cool off with a cold one. How about you?

Hillbilly #1:
I'm not really a drinker, sir.

Stroker:
Of course you are, and there's a tall boy with your name on it once you start cooperating.

[many beers later]

Stroker:
[drunk] I mean, what the hell do you do for fun in this town? You kill people? Fry 'em up in Hushpuppy batter, you stew 'em up in the bathtub with a hunk of cornbread in the toilet, ain't that right?

[many more beers later]

Stroker:
[drunk while singing] Look away, look away, look away...to Dixieland. [burps]

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

Stroker:
[on phone] Yo.

Moo-Moo:
Oh, Stroker.

Stroker:
Moo-Moo? I-I can't hear you.

Moo-Moo:
[spits a crumb of oreo] Sorry about that. Miss Moonpie's dead. What's your theory on it? I gotta arrest somebody tonight or I'm gonna get fired for sure.

Stroker:
I've seen enough movies to know the way it works down here. Your killer is either the corrupt sheriff, the corrupt mayor, or a crazy hillbilly.

Moo-Moo:
I'll have a deputy round up all the hillbillies he can get his hands on. Maybe you boys could question them while I track down a lead at that marshmallow plant.

Moo-Moo:
Oh, and Stroker, if you wouldn't mind leaving Miss Hoecakes at the motel. I don't want here to be exposed to any would-be killers.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

Hoop:
Good night, Stroker. Good night, Miss Hoecakes.

Miss Hoecakes:
Good night, Hoop.

Stroker:
Night, Hoop. Good night, Hoecakes.

Miss Hoecakes:
It's Miss Hoecakes.

Stroker:
You know, I've never had hoecakes.

Miss Hoecakes:
And you know what? You never will.

Hoop:
HA HA HA!

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

Double-Wide:
So, you guys ever driven across country before?

Tio the Terrible:
Why the hell would we do that?

Double-Wide:
Oh, I don't know. Maybe a little thing called Purple Mountain's Majesty. [chuckles] How do you know Stroker?

Tio the Terrible:
We're old friends.

Double-Wide:
Oh, yeah? Me, too. He used to sell mattresses with my brother.

Tio the Terrible:
Uh, that right?

Double-Wide:
Yeah. I can't wait to see the look on his face when I show up asking for my money.

Tio the Terrible:
I can't wait to see the look on his face when I splatter his brains all over the sidewalk.

Double-Wide:
Ha ha! [stops laughing] What? Stroker's brains?

Tio the Terrible:
[speaks spanish] Then we'll kill you. [laughs evilly]

Rico:
[speaking spanish] After we cut off your balls and feed them to you.

Double-Wide:
[speaking spanish] I sure wish I didn't know Spanish.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

[after Miss Hoecakes won the pageant]

Miss Hoecakes:
Well, I never in a million years thought I'd be Miss Brunswick Stew.

Hoop:
I don't remember any Miss Brunswick Stew.

Moo-Moo:
Oh, lord.

[cuts to the next scene where Miss Brunswick Stew was killed in a bathtub full of stew]

Mayor:
Well, maybe she just accidentally cubed herself and fell into this tubful of hot bod of vegetables.

Moo-Moo:
[tastes the stew with a ladle] Still hot.

Stroker:
Oh, this is disgusting.

Hoop:
Uh, Moo-Moo, I don't think--

Moo-Moo:
[slurps another taste] Avocado? In Brunswick Stew? Well, that ain't southern. It's delicious, but it sure ain't southern. [also bites a dirty cornbread]

Stroker:
[throws up]

Mayor:
I love cornbread.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

[in the Miss Southern Delicacies Pageant, Miss Collard Greens does fire stick tricks]

Stroker:
Very nice, very nice. Um, well, so much for talent competition. Let's see how you look in the bikini.

Stroker:
[quietly to Moo-Moo] Miss Collard Greens twirls a fine baton, but she's got junk in her trunk.

Moo-Moo:
What does this have to do with the case?

Stroker:
I'm trying to determine a pecking order so we can see who's next in line to be murdered.

Moo-Moo:
Good thinking.

Stroker:
[to the pageants] I've just conferred with the judges, and uh, looks like we have ourselves a winner. Miss Hoecakes. Give it up for Miss Hoecakes. Since you're the prettiest and you're life's is in most danger, I'd like you to come with us to safehouse.

Stroker:
[to the pageants] As for the rest of you, you should be on the look out tonight. There might be a serial killer who wants to brutally murder you in the matter of the food you're named after.

Hoop:
And good luck in the big competition this weekend.

Stroker:
Oh, hey, uh, forgot to say good luck.

Hoop:
And may the tastiest delicacy win.

Miss Squash Casserole:
[cries] C-C-Can I go to the safehouse, too?

Stroker:
Don't worry. You'll be fine.

Miss Squash Casserole:
Really?

Stroker:
Sure. I mean, there's got to be at least 10 prettier girls who'd have to be murdered first.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

Moo-Moo:
[singing] Old times there are not forgotten.

Moo-Moo and Hoop:
[singing] Look away, look away, look away, Dixieland.

Hoop:
[singing] In Dixieland where I was born early on one frosty morn --

Moo-Moo and Hoop:
[singing] Look away, look away, look away, Dixieland. Oh, I wish I was in Dixie, hooray, hooray.

Stroker:
WOULD YOU STOP ALREADY? PLEASE? YOU'RE IN DIXIE, OK? NOW JUST STOP IT.

Moo-Moo:
You sure got a sweet singing voice, Hoop.

Stroker:
That gives me an idea.

C.A.R.R.:
[singing] Mama's little baby, loves shortening, shortening--

Stroker:
C.A.R.R.!

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

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