Timothyj.29104's Quotes Page #79

Here's the list of quotes submitted by timothyj.29104 — There are currently 5,730 quotes total — keep up the great work!

Kim: Um...what is that doing here? Jon: What do you mean? Kim: Why is my hand here? Jon: I don't know. I thought you'd like it. What's the big deal? Kim: The big deal is that I'm back and you're still using it and it's weird. Jon: It's yours, and you made it for me. It'd be like if I went on a trip and I made a plaster mold of my penis and gave it to you and then I got back from my trip and you kept using it as a keychain...or paperweight or something. Kim: Of your penis? Jon: Yeah, a plaster mold. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 3 months ago
[Yvgeny buys a women's clothing] Yvgeny: Does this come in other color? – Delocated Movie Quote	added 3 months ago
Mike: Do you want me to make you some challah french toast? Kim: NOT RIGHT NOW, MIKE! Mike: [calls his Mom on phone] It happened again. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 3 months ago
Soother Mom: Sorry to plop down next to you with a crying baby. I just -- I just need a break. Jon: No problem. I'm in, uh, kind of a sad mood myself. Soother Mom: Oh. Jon: I wish I had someone pushing me around like that. [imitates phone] Um, hi. Uh, stroller company? Yes, do you make adult-sized strollers? No? Well, maybe you should. [chuckles] I'd buy one. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 3 months ago
Yvgeny's Dad: Why is it so hard for you to kill this "Jon"? Do you not love your papa, Yvgeny? Yvgeny: Of course I do, papa. It's just, I finally have a chance...to do my comedy, on my own tv show. Here. I brought you a CD of my latest performance. Yvgeny's Dad: I'm so proud, I can't wait to listen. Look! Here's a cd player right here. [Yvgeny's Dad throw Yvgeny's CD performance in the trash can] Yvgeny's Dad: Guard, take me back my cell. This not my son. Yvgeny: [crying] – Delocated Movie Quote	added 3 months ago
Mike: I hope you're ready for a little challah french toast. Jon: Yeah, I don't know. I don't think I'm really too hungry. Mike: Uh, I don't think you heard me correctly. I'm making challah french toast. Jon: Oh, no, I heard you loud and clear, Mike. You're making your world-famous challah french toast. Maybe you didn't hear me when I said I'm not hungry. Okay? [Jon leaves] Mike: [talking to himself] I know you're sad 'cause your girlfriend's out of town, but you do NOT take that out on me. Sorry I tried to be NICE! Mike: [calls his Mom] Hi, ma. Just, uh, having a bad morning. He yelled at me. No, I tried making it. I tried making it, but he yelled. That's when he just yelled at me. [sobs] Mom, I don't want to be here anymore. Well, I want to come home, work in the hardware store. I should go. I should -- Uh, thank you. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 3 months ago
Jon: Sweetie pie, what's up? Um...I didn't think you were coming by tonight. Kim: Uh, what -- What is going on here? What are you guys doing? Jon: We're, uh, playing cards. Kim: And the -- You're -- You're showing them a video of my brother? Jon: I'm just showing something that happened. It's like -- That's like getting mad at the news. Kim: THE NEWS?! CLOSE YOUR MOUTH. Jon: Sweetie pie -- Kim: SHUT UP. You destroyed a family. [transitions to the next scene where the whole scenery between Jon and Kim was a tape that happened earlier ago] Therapist: Well, I don't know if this particular tape was necessary. But, Ki, I have to say, I don't see anything wrong with Jon showing the other tape at his card game. The graphics were a little much, but I don't think he betrayed your trust like at your Father's Birthday Party. Jon: Well, well.. Kim: Don't. Jon: ...in your face. FACED. Facial. [leaves] Face-Off, center ice. Knock, knock. Who's there? In your face. [singing] Rain, rain, go away, come back in your face! – Delocated Movie Quote	added 3 months ago
Jon: So, Brian, what do you do for a living, if you don't mind me asking? Brian: Uh, I sell siding. Jon: Oh, you do? Brian: My first sales job. Jon: Oh, you don't own it? Brian: No, no, no, no, no. Jon: Oh, Brian, what are you doing, man? Brian: I'm getting there, dude. I'm totally working -- Like, there's a-a spot opening up for regional sales directors. Jon: Pbbbbht! Boring! Flash-forward to five years -- "I'm getting there". Flash-forward five years after that -- "I'm getting there". You're a little older. Flash-forward after that -- "I'm getting there". Flash-forward to your deathbed -- [weakly] "Oh, I guess I didn't get there. Boooooop. You're dead. Jon: See what I'm saying? Stop being a little bitch. Quit your job. Start your own business. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 3 months ago
Jon: More importantly for me is I'm my own boss. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 3 months ago
Jon: [to Kim] Even though I don't love you...and I certainly don't love you enough to get married...I still want you to be my exclusive girlfriends and promise me that, even though you're gonna fantasize about other dudes, and, you know, it's like you can't get over the top with the orgasm and you got to go to your go-to guy -- Maybe it's, like, your old high school boyfriend. Whoever you do that thing with, you know, just promise me you'll never take him to the Bone Zone for real -- Just me. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 3 months ago
[as Kim was about to get her food, she touches Jon's hand on her plate] Kim: Um...can you take your -- Just take your hand off my scone? Jon: Oh, sorry. Kim: I was just kidding. [laughs] Just was a joke. Jon: I was gonna say, that was -- Man. Kim: You're so easy. And what's not a joke -- This is for you. [Kim takes the scone into Jon's mouth] Jon: Oh, thank you. [spits] I don't like scones. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 3 months ago
Kim: So, how did you come up with the store? Jon: It's actually a mildly embarrassing story, but I'll share it. Sitting in the park, minding my own business. I'm wearing this dynamite pair of slacks. I just bought them, had them creased, was so psyched to be wearing them. Some idiot spills his drank all over my pants. And I just lost my cool. And it's just one of these moments where you're so mad and you have nothing to just, you know, grab and just throw, and I just had nothing I could do. Jon: I just felt like there has to be a place where you can go and just have something to throw or whatever, so that's essentially where Rage Cage -- That's how I thought of it. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 3 months ago
Kim: I got to say it was, like, way more relaxing than yoga, taking a baseball bat to a garbage can, pretending it's my ex-husband's face. Jon: Oh. Kim: Oh, I'm divorced, so... Jon: Oh, no. No problem. I can relate. I kind of -- Kind of going through the same thing... Kim: Oh. Jon: ...right now. Um, if you don't mind me asking, what's, uh, what's his name? Kim: Neal. Jon: Neal? Kim: Neal. Jon: He sounds like a dick. Kim: He is a dick. Jon: What? Kim: He's a dick. Jon: Yeah, that's what I was saying. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 3 months ago
Jon: This is the Rage Cage card. Every time you come in, you get it clipped. 10th one is free, and that includes a kick in the old [horn blows]. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 3 months ago
Rick: [anger] You think I like speaking to you like this? Jon: Seems like you do. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 3 months ago
Jon: Since it's a color machine, I got to charge you. F*ing learn how to read. – Delocated** Movie Quote	added 3 months ago
TV Announcer: And coming up next, if you like "Delocated", then you're gonna love our brand new show about the guy who's trying to kill the guy on "Delocated". And tonight's premiere episode -- It's all live! Jon: What? Jon: [on TV] What happens when you take a family from their small-town existence in the Witness Protection Program... Susan: [on TV] ...move them to New York City... David: [on TV] ...and give them their own reality show... [transitions to the next scene to Yvgeny's show] Yvgeny: [on TV] And then give another reality show to the guy who's trying to kill that family while at the same time trying to become a successful New York stand-up comedian? Yvgeny: [on TV] Hello, everyone, and welcome to "Yvgeny!" Tonight and every night... Jon: [to Danny] Uh, is that my hallway? Yvgeny: ...play all the big comedy clubs in New York City trying to become successful comedian while also, at the same time, I will try to kill Jon. Oh, look. I wonder who lives here. [Yvgeny knocks on Jon's door on live TV which shows the same guy who's knocking Jon's door in real life] Jon: Alright, what the hell is going on, Danny? [Yvgeny burst down Jon's room, ready to kill Jon while the video production crew is recording it on live] Yvgeny: Sorry, Jon, but tonight, "Delocated" gets canceled! [Danny, Mike, and Yvgeny had an brawl, until a few gunshots was fired] Yvgeny: [to the video crew] LET'S GO! Jon: Mike, are you okay?! Yvgeny: [to the video crew] Come on. I have a set at the improv. Jon: Mike, are you alright? Mike: I'm fine. Jon: [sees Danny dead] Oh, god, Danny. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 3 months ago
Jon: You can't just pick up my son at school without telling me. Mike: I knew you were busy, bro, so I thought I'd pull you a solid, you know? I mean, huh, what are friends for? [Jon slaps the cereal right out of Mike's hand] Mike: Hey, take it easy, hot shot. Jon: You're a terrible friend, Mike. You got no idea what that cereal is about. Mike: Look, man -- Jon: You are fired as my friend. And you're hired as my unfriend. Get out of my apartment. Mike: Ohh. Jon: Yeah, "Ohh". Mike: Okay. Jon: Get your knees in the breeze, Jack. Mike: Man! [leaves] Jon: Now I got to clean up your mess? You got to be KIDDING me! [sees a "friendship" word on Scrabble that Mike made] Oh, look. That's perfect. That's just great. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 3 months ago
Jon: Hi. How are you? Teacher: Good. How are you? Jon: I'm good. Teacher: Good. Jon: Uh, where's David? Teacher: Oh, David was already picked up by your other secret service agent. Jon: ... Teacher: Is everything okay? Jon: Yeah, yeah, um...no, it's good. Teacher: Okay. Jon: Thanks a lot. Teacher: Hey, no problem. We'll see you later. Jon: This is Danny. Teacher: Hi, Danny. How are you? [Jon and Danny leaved] Jon: That son of a bitch. I see how things are unfolding. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 3 months ago
Seth: The point is, no one's asking Jon to sign their vagina. So I think we can all agree it's time to start thinking about a spinoff. Seth: We follow him around as he tries to be a New York comedian. Of course, he also happens to be an assassin, and that just gives us more dong for our buck. Network Executive: Don't you mean more bang for our buck? Seth: No, I don't. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 3 months ago
Seth: So, people are already responding very well to "Delocated", but they really respond to Yvgeny. Here he is signing a woman's tits. And here he is signing a woman's vagina. Wow. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 3 months ago
Jonny: Where's Mike? Jon: Oh, Mike resigned. We are gonna focus on our friendship a little bit more. And, uh, that's Danny, my new agent. Jonny: [to Danny] Hey, pleasure. Jon: Yeah, don't hold your breath. Not a lot of smiles from, uh, the smile machine over here. Jonny: Yeah. Jon: Yeah. Jonny: Anyway, it's funny you should mention federal agents resigning, because Susan's agent just resigned so he can officially be her boyfriend. Jon: [exhales sharply] Jonny: She's also officially filing for divorce. Jon: [groans loudly] Jonny: The good news is, the feline aids the vet thought my cat had -- It's just diabetes. Jon: ...That is great news. Jonny: Thank you. Jon: So happy for you. Too bad for me that my wife is leaving me to f* some dude. But, hey, man, glad your cat's gonna be okay. Psyched! – Delocated** Movie Quote	added 3 months ago
Seth: We are doing a reality show about the man you're trying to kill. Translator: [speaks Russian to Yvgeny] They are doing a reality show about the man in the Witness Protection Program...you are trying to kill. Ygenvy: You should do a reality show about me. I am a comedian. Seth: Wait a minute. You speak English? Yvgeny: Yeah. Seth: And you're a comedian? Yvgeny: Yeah. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 3 months ago
Mike: So, I wanted to say something, and I hope it doesn't come across weird or anything. Jon: Whoa. Serious alert. [laughs] Mike: Well, ever since Susan left you, I feel like it's given us a chance to do stuff like we've become pretty good friends. And, you know, it's -- It's -- It's really cool. And I know it's my job to protect you, but I just wanted you to know that if I ever have to take a bullet for you, it's not because I have to. It's because I want to. And everything that I just said to you, I also wrote in a letter to Weaver's Great Pals cereal. I'm trying to get us on the box. Jon: Um...Mike, I feel like you're putting me in a weird spot here. I feel like I got no choice but to fire you as my federal agent. Jon: So I can HIRE you as my full-time friend! Jon & Mike: [laughs] Jon: Yeah, buddy! Friend five! Take to the next level, Mike. "Friendship" on three. One, two, three. Jon & Mike: FRIENDSHIP! – Delocated Movie Quote	added 3 months ago

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