Timothyj.29104's Quotes Page #81

Here's the list of quotes submitted by timothyj.29104  —  There are currently 6,896 quotes total — keep up the great work!

Bratty Kid:
Keith the Queef! With the crazy dad without any briefs!

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

[Ron Howard controls Stroker's Mind]

Ron Howard:
Come on, Stroker. Be a man. Stand up for your kid.

Stroker:
Who said that?

Man:
Said what?

Stroker:
Come on, who said it? Stand up. Say it to my face.

Ron Howard:
It's me, Ron Howard.

Stroker:
Oh, crap.

Ron Howard:
Now, I want you to get out there and beat up that umpire. But first take off all your clothes.

[Stroker then takes his clothes off while beating the umpire]

Stroker:
Son of a b*tch!

Umpire:
What the hell?

Keith:
Dad! What are you doing?

Security Guard:
Get him away from the children.

Stroker:
I'm sorry, everyone, but i-it's not my fault, it -- It's Ron Howard's making me do this. You gotta believe me.

Ron Howard:
Come on, keep fighting. Keep fighting.

Stroker:
STOP IT, RON HOWARD!

Ron Howard:
I'll teach you to mess with me.

Jenny:
Here's your double espresso, Ron.

Ron Howard:
Thank you, Jenny. Now I want you to stick that kid's hot dog up your butt.

[Stroker puts foil from the hot dog that he stolen from a boy]

Ron Howard:
Darn it! Foil! That tin foil won't last, you know.

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

Stroker:
Hey, Keith, how about if you lead off today?

Keith:
I don't want to.

Stroker:
Hey, why not, buddy?

Keith:
I'll strike out, and the kids will call me names.

Stroker:
Oh, they're not gonna call you names. What kind of names would they call you?

Keith:
Spazzle, Asswipe, Wonder Wuss, Keith the Queef.

Stroker:
That's because they're just jealous. It's because you've got a Dad who's a detective.

Keith:
No, they're not.

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

Stroker:
Assistant Coach Stroker reporting for duty. You kids ready to go kick some ass? Alright! Yeah! Let me get some high fives right here! There we go! Come on!

Baseball Coach:
Stroker, we try and foster a safe, noncompetitive atmosphere.

Stroker:
Check it out, guys-- Brand new uniforms. [pulls up a shirt for Keith]

Keith:
Cool!

[Stroker then switches the shirt on the back that says "Lil Stroker"]

Keith:
...

Bratty Kid:
This is bull [bleep]. We're the Sharks.

Stroker:
Shut up, kid.

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

Stroker:
B-Benny! Hey, hey! What are you doing here?

Benny:
All the electronic interference helps protect me from Ron Howard. What are you guys doing here?

Stroker:
We're, uh -- We're celebrating. Ron Howard just agreed to stop screwing your mind.

Benny:
[surprised] No, he didn't.

Hoop:
[correcting Stroker] No, he didn't.

Stroker:
Sure he did.

Benny:
Well, that's so weird because he was just talking to me a few minutes ago.

Stroker:
Well, Benny, that's because, uh...uh, Benny, this is my partner, Hoop.

Hoop:
Nice hat there.

Benny:
It's my secret weapon against Ron. Always use the freezer-grade stuff and make sure you put the shiny side out.

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

[Stroker and Hoop go to an electronic store]

Stroker:
Nothing is gonna stop us until we make those girls pay.

Hoop:
How does *this* make those girls pay?

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

[C.A.R.R. plays Solitare on his own screen]

C.A.R.R.:
Ha ha! 3 jacks. Beat that.

CPU:
Flush.

C.A.R.R.:
Hey, flush my ass! You cheat. The computer cheats.

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

[Stroker & Hoop chase the twins]

Stroker:
Nothing's gonna stop me from getting my appendix back!

Hoop:
You're dropping money.

Stroker:
Crap. You go ahead I got your back. [goes straight ahead for the money that fell right out of his pockets]

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

Mr. Nessbaum:
John Strokymeyer?

Stroker:
Yes, sir.

Mr. Nessbaum:
I'm Mr. Nessbaum. $10,000, with another 10 to be paid upon completion.

Stroker:
Mr. Nessbaum, it has been a pleasure. Hoop, let's go.

[as Stroker takes the briefcase full of money, Mr. Nessbaum stops it]

Mr. Nessbaum:
Whoa, there! Where do you think you're going with that?

Stroker:
It's my money.

Mr. Nessbaum:
Yes, but it's not your briefcase.

Stroker:
Yeah, but the briefcase is part of the deal. It's understood.

Mr. Nessbaum:
Don't tell me about the deal. I'm an accountant, and the deal was $10,000, not $10,000 and a briefcase.

Stroker:
But I need the briefcase.

Mr. Nessbaum:
No. I'm the accountant. I need the briefcase. What does a detective need with a briefcase?

Stroker:
To carry the money. [opens the briefcase] Fi -- Here, I'll buy the case.

Mr. Nessbaum:
No deal. It was a father's day gift.

Stroker:
[sighs] Alright. Fine, jackass. [sees the dollars bills] What are these, fives? You couldn't give me a stack of hundreds?

Mr. Nessbaum:
I thought you'd appreciate not having to make change.

Stroker:
Hoop, help me out. And the amount you carry does not represent your cut.

Hoop:
[happily] Maybe you should wear that fanny pack I got you for christmas.

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

[Stroker gets a voice message from a caller]

Caller:
Hey, Stroker and Hoop, I'm going through a tricky divorce, and I thought I should hire a couple detectives who don't know hot to -- How to spell the word "Detective". [laughs] So naturally, I thought of you guys.

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

Benny:
Stroker. Thank god. I need your help.

Stroker:
I'm your man, mister, um...

Benny:
Benny. I saw your billboard. Your detective V.I.E.'s, right? Very Important Entertainers?

Stroker:
Excuse me? Is this a joke?

Benny:
No! I need you, [takes off his cap revealing is a tinfoiled hat] to make Ron Howard stop controlling my mind. We got to stop Ron Howard! STOP IT, RON HOWARD! It's so obvious. I brought evidence. I could pay you $20,000. I'm rich. I got a limo.

Stroker:
Sure, a limo. You just use the shopping cart for short trips.

Benny:
You're working with Ron Howard. You're one of his lackeys!

Stroker:
Look. I want your psycho ass off my property, or I'm calling Vans to tell him you stole their shopping cart, alright? [closes his door]

[after a few seconds later, Stroker sees Benny that he actually has a limo that just came by while he was hearing a voice message on his phone]

Stroker:
Benny! Hey, Benny boy. Is, uh, is the coast clear? Ron's people left yet?

Benny:
They were here?

Stroker:
Across the street. You've got to keep a sharper eye out. Sorry about the little charade I pulled back there.

Benny:
No problem. Is it safe now?

Stroker:
Now that you're with me. I have a ton of expertise with these cases. Yeah, I was the guy who took care of the Rob Reiner, uh, spoon-bending thing.

Benny:
My accountant will be in touch.

Stroker:
So, this limo has the minibar and everything.

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

Teacher:
I'm afraid Keith has been having some trouble in class.

Stroker:
Yeah, I'm gonna have to talk to him about bullying the other kids.

Teacher:
Well, it's really the other boys and girls that have been picking on Keith.

Stroker:
I'm sorry. Boys and what?

Teacher:
Your son Keith is very...special.

[Stroker sees his son playing hopscotch]

Stroker:
What the hell?

Teacher:
I think some more father-son time could help.

Stroker:
Well, I am an assistant coach on his soccer team.

Angel:
Yeah, he means t-ball.

Stroker:
Sure, I missed the first few practices, but that changes today. My number. Call me anytime. So we can help Keith together. You can keep those matches.

Teacher:
Uh, thanks.

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

[Stroker comes late to a parent teacher conference while still having his organs removed]

Stroker:
Sorry I'm so late. I was tangling with the russian mafia.

Angel:
Oh, please.

Stroker:
They told me to stay in bed for 3 days. I told them, "My children come first".

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

Doctor Woman:
Well, the good news is your livers and kidneys are still there. The bad news...

Hoop:
Oh, boy.

Doctor Woman:
Is that your appendix has been stolen, along with your coccyx.

Hoop:
So how much...how much time do we have?

Doctor Woman:
You'll be fine. They're vestigial, worthless. Believe it or not, there's been a rash of these thefts lately.

Hoop:
Really?

Doctor Woman:
Attractive women preying on lonely men in bars--

Stroker:
We were hit by a couple thugs from the russian mafia.

Hoop:
What do our, uh, organs fetch on the black market?

Doctor Woman:
I don't know what you're talking about. There's no black market for appendixes.

Hoop:
Maybe this will help your memory. [checks his wallet] Hold on a second. Uh...I...I could've sworn I...

[Hoop gives the doctor woman a free gift card]

Doctor Woman:
A free smoothie?

Stroker:
Listen, doc. They may be vestigial to you, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna let some hot chi-- Some russian mafia thugs and their model girlfriends take the useless organs that God gave me. Come on, Hoop.

[as Stroker and Hoop leaves the hospital]

Hoop:
[to Doctor Woman] Can I have my coupon back?

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

C.A.R.R.:
Ohh, morning, gentlemen, or should I say afternoon? [sees Stroker and Hoop's livers being sewn and stitched] What the hell?

Hoop:
Our livers were stolen!

C.A.R.R.:
I knew something was up last night.

Hoop:
Why? What were the girls doing that was strange?

C.A.R.R.:
Hooking up with you two. I calculate they were 9s. You guys usually work the 3 to 6 territory.

Stroker:
WHERE THE HELL'S THE FAKE COP LIGHT?

C.A.R.R.:
No! No! Not the fake cop light!

Stroker:
COULDN'T YOU TELL WE WERE DRUGGED? WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU DO ANYTHING?

C.A.R.R.:
I was distracted. One of the girls wasn't wearing panties. I had to turn off camera 4.

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

Ashley Brittany:
Stroker and Hoop. I'm Ashley Brittany. This is my sister, Brittany Ashley. They're detectives.

Hoop:
Hi.

Stroker:
Hello there.

Ashley Brittany:
A toast, then, to private eyes.

Brittany Ashley:
And private dicks.

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

Stroker:
A toast, Hoop, to the good life. Starting tomorrow, no more crappy-ass clients.

Hoop:
Are you sure the billboard's gonna work?

Stroker:
Are you kidding me? Watch this.

[Stroker tries to seduce a lady]

Stroker:
Excuse me. Is this seat taken?

Ashley Brittany:
It is now.

Stroker:
Well, I'm sure your friend won't mind if I -- Oh, you mean by me. Well, alright. [sees Ashley's tattoo] Interesting tattoo there.

Ashley Brittany:
[laughs] I almost got a tattoo of the midget from "Fantasy Island". That way, I could have a tattoo of tattoo. [laughs]

Stroker:
Oh, really?

Ashley Brittany:
He committed suicide. So sad.

Stroker:
Mm-hmm. Yeah. Oh, my god, this is so embarrassing. One of my billboards.

[Ashley sees Stroker and Hoop's billboard]

Ashley Brittany:
Oh! There's a typo.

Stroker:
No, it's Spanish.

Ashley Brittany:
Detective, it's spelled "I-V-E", not "V-I-E". You're a detectvie. [laughs]

Stroker:
Hoop!

Hoop:
Que pasa?

Stroker:
I told you to proof the billboard. Detectvie?

Hoop:
C.A.R.R. told me he had spell-check.

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

Stroker:
Well, boys, what do you do after saving the world? I'm new to this game. Let's celebrate.

Hoop:
Did we save the world or did we almost destroy it?

Stroker:
It's a damn fine line, isn't?

C.A.A.R.:
No, not really.

Hoop:
I don't feel like celebrating since Vanessa left me for Lou Diamond Phillips.

C.A.A.R.:
And the reward was Cubic Zirconium.

Hoop:
And Danny's parents are suing us for turning their kid over to the Talking Diamond instead of them.

Stroker:
They are?

Hoop:
I was gonna wait to give you the message.

Stroker:
Well, that pretty much sucked.

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

[after Stroker and Hoop defeated the Diamond Monster]

Dustin Diamond:
Dr. Pepper sure tastes great now that we're no longer under the spell of the damn Talking Diamond.

Neil Diamond:
Stroker, Hoop, here are the diamond shards collected. They're all yours. Should be worth a lot of money.

Vanessa:
Speaking of which, I got the appraisal for my engagement ring, Hoop.

[Stroker sees the paper]

Stroker:
What the hell? He wasn't even a real diamond! He was Cubic Zirconium! That bastard!

Vanessa:
He was a phony.

Hoop:
This means you didn't need the diamond after all. Your careers -- That was all you.

C.A.A.R.:
I don't know, maybe they did need that Talking Diamond after all. Lou, what do you think?

[Lou starts to get wild when Vanessa hangs out Lou]

Hoop:
Well, Vanessa, I hope you learned a lesson here. If you get materialistic, you might inadvertently create a diamond monster that could destroy humanity.

Vanessa:
Oh, Lou. I'm sorry, did you say something, Hoop?

Dustin Diamond:
Sorry, Hoop. Once they had diamond, they never go back.

Neil Diamond:
It's true.

Stroker:
Women, huh?

Hoop:
[menacing] Lou Diamond Phillips. Stroker, if it's ok with you, I'm gonna just tip Vanessa 10%.

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

[Stroker and Hoop tries to shoot the diamond monster]

Storker:
It's no use! The diamond exterior is impenetrable.

Hoop:
Dammit!

C.A.A.R.:
I've got it. Stroker, Hoop, aim for the left leg.

Stroker:
What? Why?

C.A.A.R.:
It's Lou Diamond Phillips, so it must be the weak spot.

Stroker:
Of course!

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

Talking Diamond:
This next number is dedicated to Stroker and Hoop, 'cause without them, this never would've happened.

Dustin Diamond:
[singing] Girl, you got the best of me, oh baby. Why can't you see? Baby, this can't be the end 'cause diamonds are a girls' best friend. Girl, it ain't no tomfoolery being cut up for human jewelry.

Talking Diamond:
[singing] Now that the prophesy is here, we will make the world shake with fear so, sit back, girl and don't be threatened we got you seats [demon voice] to ARMEGEDDON!

[The 6 Diamond turned into one big diamond monster]

Hoop:
I'm not familiar with this part. It must be a live version.

Stroker:
Oh, crap.

Hoop:
Stroker, I think we've been helping the bad guys.

David Copperfield:
No crap.

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

Stroker:
Here's the offer. The Talking Diamond for the boy.

Talking Diamond:
What? That's your friggin' plan?

David Copperfield:
It's a deal. Goldie, bring out the boy.

Hoop:
Stroker, if we give them the Talking Diamond, who's gonna pay us?

Stroker:
Oh, crap. [to Copperfield] Um, sorry! Uh, what I meant to say is, uh, I'll give you Dustin Diamond.

Hoop:
What?

David Copperfield:
That's not Dustin Diamond. It's your partner, Hoop.

Stroker:
[pulls out his gun] Alright, give me the boy or Goldie gets it. That's my plan, everybody.

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

Stroker:
Precious metals, we meet again.

David Copperfield:
Neil and Dustin.

Stroker:
Copperfield, Talking Nickel.

Hoop:
[happily] Are we gonna get to meet Whoopi and Goldie?

Stroker:
...

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

[Hoop sees Vanessa having sex with Talking Diamond]

Vanessa:
You know, Hoop, it's true. Diamonds are the hardest things on earth.

Hoop:
How could you steal my girl?

Talking Diamond:
You stole my friggin' nose!

Stroker:
[to Hoop] You took his nose?

Hoop:
I was very emotional. And you don't pay me.

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

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