[During an awkward backstage face-off between Scott and Ramona and Envy and Todd, their respective exes]
Todd Ingram:
[to Ramona] Hey, Ramona.
Ramona:
Hey, Todd.
Todd:
It's been a while.
Ramona:
Mmm-hmm.
Todd:
Mmm-hmm?
Ramona:
[to Scott] I think we should get out of here.
Julie:
So how was the tour? You guys play with the Pixies? You're like a superstar now.
Envy:
Yeah, it's, uh, not really something I can put into words.
Knives:
Um, Envy... [everyone glares at her] I read your blog.
Envy:
So, Scott and Ramona, eh?
Ramona:
What of it?
Envy:
You guys make a cute couple you know. [Todd scoffs] Suit each other.
Knives:
[pleasurably] You're my role model, Envy.
Envy:
Ramona, I like your outfit. Affordable?
Julie:
[interrupts] Envy, I was just gonna say, did you get those jeans in New York?
Envy:
[stops Julie, not wanting to explode] I'm talking to Ramona right now.
Julie:
Ramona lived in New York.
Envy:
Oh, did she? I was just there. Played the Chaos Theater for Gideon. You know him, right?
Knives:
[gasps in horror and everyone looks at her; to Envy] I've kissed lips that kissed you!
[Envy looks at Todd and nods, Todd stands up and punches Knives in the face, knocking the blue dye out of her hair and sending her reeling to the floor]
Scott:
[stands up, horrified] Knives!
Todd:
[nonchalant] What? I'm not afraid to hit a girl. I'm a rock star.
Young Neil:
[shocked] Oh, my God. [glares at Todd, angrily] You punched the highlights out of her hair. [to Scott; worried] He punched the highlights out of her hair!
Envy:
You are incorrigible.
Todd:
I don't know the meaning of the word.
Caption:
HE REALLY DOESN'T.
[Young Neil leads a shell-shocked Knives away, as Scott angrily stares at Todd]
Julie:
[changing the subject] So, uh, you guys doing anything fun while you're in town?
Todd:
"Fun"? In Toronto?
Envy:
Ha!
Scott:
[angrily] THAT'S IT! [slams fists on table as Envy gasps in horror] YOU COCKY COCK! You'll pay for your crimes against humanity! [lunges to attack Todd, but is frozen by psychic energy. Todd, eyes glowing and hair standing on end, levitates Scott into the air] [gasping] My neck. [stunned] Your hair.
Envy:
Didn't you know? Todd's vegan.
[Todd flings Scott through a brick wall into an alleyway outside.]
Scott:
[coughs] Vegan?
Todd:
[psychically moves couch out of the way] It's not really that big of a deal. [kicks and breaks off part of the brick wall]
Scott:
No kidding. [coughs and stands up] Anyone can be vegan.
Todd:
Ovo-lacto-vegetarian, maybe.
Scott:
Ovo-what?
Todd:
I partake not in the meat, nor the breastmilk, nor the ovum of any creature with a face.
Envy:
Short answer: Being vegan just makes you better than most people.
Todd:
Bingo. [punches Scott and sends him, screaming, leaving a trail of A's high into the air and out of sight.]
Stephen:
Hey, man, question. I always wondered, how does not eating dairy products give you psychic powers?
Todd:
Okay, you know how you only use 10% of your brain? That's because the other 90% is filled with curds and whey.
Kim:
[snarky] Did you learn that at Vegan Academy?
Todd:
[irritated] Go ahead and get snippy, baby. If you knew the science, maybe I'd listen to a word you're saying.
[Scott falls back to solid ground after hitting a light fixture. Ramona runs over to him]
Scott:
[weakly] If I peed my pants, would you pretend I just got wet from the rain?
Ramona:
It's not raining.
Scott:
Oh. Then, why don't you give me the Cliff Notes on how and why you ended up dating this A-hole.
Ramona:
Is it really important right now?
Scott:
Well, if there's a key element in his backstory that's gonna help me out in a critical moment of not dying, yes.
Ramona:
[looking defeated] I was only dating Lucas until the minute Todd walked by. Guess that's not very nice, but I used to be kind of...like that. We hated everyone, we wrecked stuff, nobody cared. He punched a hole in the moon for me. It was pretty crazy. A week-and-a-half later, he told me his dad was sending him to Vegan Academy, so, I dumped him.
Scott:
Have you dumped everyone you've ever been with? You've never been the dumpee?
Ramona:
Look, I've dabbled in being a bitch. It's part of the reason I moved here. I was really hoping to just...leave it all behind me.
Todd:
Hey, lovebirds. We have unfinished business, I and he.
Scott:
"He and me."
Todd:
Don't you talk to me about grammar.
Scott:
I dislike you, capisce?
Todd:
Tell it to the cleaning lady on Monday.
Scott:
What?
Todd:
Because you'll be dust by Monday.
Scott:
[confused] Ummm...
Todd:
Because you'll be pulverized in two seconds. And the cleaning lady? She cleans up dust. She dusts.
Scott:
S-so, what's on Monday?
Todd:
[also confused] Well, 'cause... it's Friday now, she has the weekends off, so... Monday. Right?
Envy:
[sighs] [translating for Todd Ingram] Basically, you can't win this fight, so you're gonna have to give up on this girl, 'cause Todd's gonna kill you.
Scott:
[offended] You used to be so NICE! [charges toward Todd in slow-mo, but Todd psychically throws Scott through a brick wall.]
Stephen:
Uh, Scott, we're gonna go to Pizza Pizza for a slice. Call us when you're done.
Envy:
Oh, he'll be done. Real soon.
Todd:
[hears a bass note] Sounds like someone wants to get...funky.
[After exchanging bass riffs in a bass battle, Todd wins, psychically breaks Scott's Rickenbacker Bass, and pushes him through 3 walls, having him fall onto a coffee table. Scott sees Todd walk in and gets two coffees]
Todd:
I can read your thoughts. [psychically] Your will is broken. [normally] You're through.
Scott:
What say we drink to my memory? [offering him a cup of coffee, innocently.] Fair-trade blend with soy milk?
Envy:
Heh. I'm sorry, but that's pathetic.
Todd:
Dude, I can see in your mind's eye, that you put half-and-half into one of those coffees in an attempt to make me break Vegan-edge. I'll take the one with soy. [levitates the other cup from Scott's hand and brings it to his own] Thanks, tool. [sips the coffee]
Scott:
Actually, muchacho, I poured the soy in this cup, but I thought real hard about pouring it in that cup. You know, in my "mind's eye" or whatever. [sips his own coffee]
Todd:
[eyes return to normal, baffled] What are you talking about?
Scott:
You just drank half-and-half, baby.
[Sirens; a hole is blown into the wall. Todd drops his coffee cup, Anime-style. Two Vegan Police Officers come in with their De-Veganizing Rays raised at Todd.]
Vegan Police Officer #1:
Freeze! Vegan Police!
Vegan Police Officer #2:
Vegan Police!
Vegan Police Officer #1:
Todd Ingram, you're under arrest for Veganity Violation Code Number 827: Imbibement of half-and-half.
Todd:
Wh--? That's bullroar!
Vegan Police Officer #1:
No vegan diet, no vegan powers!
Todd:
But-but, I-- It's only my first offence. D-Don't I get three strikes? I mean--
Vegan Police Officer #1:
[to Vegan Police Officer #2] Take it.
Vegan Police Officer #2:
[whips out notepad] At 12:27 am, on February 1st, you knowingly ingested gelato.
[Scott Pilgrim smugly smiles]
Todd:
Gelato isn't vegan?
Vegan Police Officer #1:
It's milk and eggs, bitch.
Vegan Police Officer #2:
[still reading] On April 4th, 7:30 pm, you partook a plate of chicken Parmesan.
[Envy gasps in shock, then glares at Todd]
Todd:
[feeble] Chicken isn't vegan?
Vegan Police Officer #1:
The De-Veganizing Ray. Hit him!! [both fire De-Veganizing Rays at Todd, stripping him of his powers. Scott tosses his coffee cup behind him, and the Vegan Police Officers step back and blow smoke from their De-Veganizing Rays as Scott steps forward purposefully. Todd's hair sags.]
Envy:
[gasps] Oh, my God.
Todd:
[shocked] No. No...
Scott:
You once were a ve-gone, but now you will be gone.
Todd:
[incredulous; his last words] "Ve-gone"?
[Scott headbutts Todd, who bursts into coins, thus earning Scott 3,000 points. Scott holds his forehead and groans in pain. The two Vegan Police Officers exit in slow-mo, high-fiving and exclaiming, "YEAH!" as they do.]
Scott:
[to Envy] Uh...sorry, I guess.
Envy:
[in disbelief] "Sorry"? You just head-butted my boyfriend so hard he burst.
Scott:
You kicked my heart in the ass, so, I guess we're even...Natalie.
Envy:
[confused] "Natalie"? No one calls me that anymore.
Scott:
Maybe they should. [to Ramona] Let's get out of here. [he and Ramona leave and Scott also holds his back.]
Julie:
[appearing out of nowhere] For the record, I am so pissed off for you, right now.
Envy:
[annoyed] Shut the [bleep] up, Julie.
Julie:
[obliviously] Okay.
[scene cuts to Pizza Pizza]
Stephen:
We're still going to the after-party, right?
Kim:
I'm not sure there's going to be much of a party. I think a third of the band just went poom.
Stephen:
Yeah, cool bands never go to their own after-parties. Just the desperate people trying to rub elbows with the label guys.
Kim:
Then why would we--? [realizing] Oh.
Stephen:
[to Neil] Neil, you down? [to Scott] Scott, you're in, right?
Ramona:
You wanna go?
Scott:
Well...I kind of almost died back there.
Ramona:
I'm not saying I want to go.
Scott:
Yeah, we can totally go.
Ramona:
I'll do whatever you want to do.
Scott:
So, let's go.
["ABOUT TO E-X-P-L-O-D-E" appears]
Ramona:
We really don't have to go to this thing. It'll probably be a bad scene all around.
Scott:
No, I'm fine. It's just--
Ramona:
"It's just"?
Scott:
Well...have you ever dated someone that wasn't a total ass?
Ramona:
Well, so far, you're not a total ass.
Scott:
But I'm part ass?
Ramona:
If it makes you feel better, you're the nicest guy I've dated.
Scott:
Wait, is that good?
Ramona:
It's what I need right now.
Scott:
But not later?
Ramona:
Scott, I don't have all the answers, okay? I'd just like to try and live in the moment if I can.
Scott:
I'd just like to live. [he and Ramona arrive at The Clash at Demonhead's after-party.]
Ramona:
Look, I know Todd was bad news, but are you saying Envy wasn't? We all have baggage.
Scott:
Yeah, well, my baggage doesn't try and kill me every five minutes. What did you do to make your ex-boyfriends so insane?
Ramona:
Exes.
Scott:
Whatever.
Ramona:
No breakup is painless; somebody always gets hurt. What about you and that girl, Knives? Who broke up with who?
Scott:
I believe I broke up with her.
Ramona:
And was she cool with that?
Scott:
Knives is with Young Neil now; she's totally cool with it.
Ramona:
You're sure about that?
Scott:
Yeah, she's very mature for her age. We had a very healthy break-up. We're all peaches and gravy.
Knives:
[whines] No!
Ramona:
What about you and Kim?
Scott:
Me and Kim? I can barely remember. It was high school. She had freckles.
Ramona:
That's it?
Scott:
Yeah, it kind of ended. We changed.
Ramona:
That's really the whole story?
Scott:
Okay, fine. I had to fight a guy to be with her, okay? I fought a crazy, 80-foot-tall purple-suited dude, and I had to fight 96 guys to get to him. He was flying and shooting lightning bolts from his eyes, okay? And I kicked him so hard that he saw the curvature of the Earth. Does that make you feel any better?
Ramona:
Well, now you are being a total ass. Welcome to the club.
Scott:
I'm sorry; I'm not usually like this.
Ramona:
Hey, don't worry. I don't even know what I'm like anymore.
Scott:
[rubbing his eyes] I think this ex-boyfriends thing is messing with my head.
Ramona:
Exes.
Scott:
Why do you keep saying that? [gets kicked in the face from behind, slams into the bar counter and falls flat on the floor. He looks up at his attacker.] [stands up, thinking] The girl from earlier?
Ramona:
Roxy?
Scott:
You know this girl?
Roxy:
Oh, boy, does she know me.
Scott:
[deeply confused] What is she talking about?
Roxy Richter:
He really doesn't know?
Scott:
[realisation dawning] Wait.
Roxy:
Hmm. [smiles suggestively]
[Inside Scott's head, a lever switches from "NO CLUE" to "GETS IT"]
Scott:
[to Ramona; shocked] You and her?!
Ramona:
It was just a phase.
Roxy:
[incensed] "Just a phase"?
Scott:
You had a sexy phase?
Ramona:
It meant nothing. I didn't think it would count.
Roxy:
[angrily] "It meant nothing"?!
Ramona:
I was just a little bi-curious.
Roxy:
Well, honey... [cracks knuckles] I'm a little bi-FURIOUS! [performs a slow-mo spinning kick aimed at Scott, but is blocked by Ramona. A pink VS. sign appears between them and Ramona throws Roxy back.]
Ramona:
Do that again, and I will end you!
Roxy:
Back off, has-bian! If Gideon can't have you, no one can! [whips off her belt, which turns into a chain-sword.] The League has spoken!
Ramona:
Well, then Gideon best get his pretentious ass up here, 'cause I'm about to kick yours out of the Great White North! [pulls a massive stone hammer out of her purse]
