Jeff Dunham: Controlled Chaos

Jeff Dunham:
Wait a minute. You communicate with Osama?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Of course.

Jeff Dunham:
How?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
On Face-shot-off-Book.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
SILENCE!

[audience applauds; impressed]

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Wait for it...

[long pause]

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
I KILL YOU!

Jeff Dunham:
I think a lot of us might like to know how you feel about the death of Osama.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
[gasp] I didn't do it!

[Achmed is pantomiming getting shot with a bow and arrow]

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Okay, I'm done. I can sit up now.

Jeff Dunham:
[laughing] Actually, you can't.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
What?

Jeff Dunham:
[still laughing] Your ribs are caught on your spine.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Knock knock.

Jeff Dunham:
Who's there?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Me, I kill you again!

[laughs]

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
You're such an idiot! You keep answering the door! Where I am from, the game we teach our children is when someone says "Knock knock", you shut the f*** up and hide.

[laughter]

Jeff Dunham:
[to Walter] You know, I saw an old photo of you and your wife. Your wife's quite beautiful.

Walter:
You saw an old photo.

[Walter glares at Jeff; audience laughs]

Walter:
Yeah, I'm kidding. I know, I married a petite, young, beautiful thing. Yeah, she was eventually eaten by the woman I live with now.

[mimicking Fat Albert]

Walter:
Hey, hey, hey!

Jeff Dunham:
You're just flat-out saying your wife's overweight.

Walter:
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. She's undertall.

Jeff Dunham:
[talking about Walter's wife] She loves going on these trips. She loves window shopping.

Walter:
Not in Amsterdam, she didn't. [laughs] Because in Amsterdam, there's hookers in the windows! [laughs again]

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
[seeing Achmed Jr] Who the hell is that?

Achmed Jr.:
Hello, father.

Peanut:
[showing off his skills as a ventriloquist by working a dummy version of Jeff Dunham himself] How are you, Little Ugly Jeff?

Little Jeff:
Not good.

Jeff Dunham:
Wait a minute. You're gonna call him "Ugly Jeff"?

Peanut:
Oh, no, no, no. *Little* Ugly Jeff.

Little Jeff:
Is there any other name?

Peanut:
Uh, Little Ugly Ass Jeff?

Little Jeff:
I like that.

Jos? Jalape?o on a Stick:
[from inside the box] Me, too, se?or.

Little Jeff:
Thank you.

Peanut:
You're welcome.

Jeff Dunham:
Wait a minute. I would prefer if you didn't use the word "ass".

Peanut:
Oh, I didn't really. It's all one word. Little Ugly Assjeff.

Little Jeff:
Assjeff, Assjeff, I am Assjeff.

Peanut:
See? It's good.

Jos? Jalape?o on a Stick:
Bravo!

Peanut:
Gracias.

Little Jeff:
De nada.

Jeff Dunham:
This is ridiculous!

Jeff Dunham:
[to Peanut] Do you like it here?

Peanut:
I love it here! It's beautiful, it's sold out, the place is paid for; we must be on an Indian reservation! And these are all Indians!

Jeff Dunham:
Look, Peanut, first of all, the politically-correct term these days is "Native American".

Peanut:
[whispering] Oh, yeah, good! [normal voice] Well, I certainly wouldn't want to piss them off. They could try and scalp me, but all they'd get is a fishing lure! [nods]

Walter:
Did you know that in Amsterdam, you can legally purchase marijuana?

Jeff Dunham:
[nods] I, uh, yeah. I did know that.

Walter:
You know where?

Jeff Dunham:
Coffee houses.

Walter:
Coffee houses! It's my favorite coffee place ever! "I'd like a latte and a doobie! And... nineteen dozen donuts. Thank you."

Jeff Dunham:
[showing a school photo of himself] That's Justin Bieber hair, dammit.

Walter:
I signed up Achmed to be an organ donor.

Jeff Dunham:
Walter, divorce is painful.

Walter:
Oh, yeah, like a deep tissue massage.

Walter:
[talking about Jeff doing his show in South Africa] Everybody in the audience in South Africa, they're all, you know, white.

[looks at Jeff]

Jeff Dunham:
[perplexed] So?

Walter:
What do you mean, so? We were in Africa, you moron! Have you ever looked at National Geographic?

[Jeff rolls his eyes]

Walter:
I thought everybody there was... uh, you know, the opposite. And then I look out in the crowd and I think, "Well, where the hell are all the flies?"

[the audience laughs]

Walter:
Oh, like you haven't seen the same commercials I have! Everybody looked healthy! I'm sitting there thinking, well, their "we're the world" thing really worked out! You're welcome! Hell, the way our economy is here now, they should be sending us back some of that money!

[Jeff had trouble saying "How are you" to Jos? and Peanut had him say it with him one word at a time]

Jeff Dunham:
How are you, Jos??

Jos? Jalape?o on a Stick:
I don't know. It took too long. Actually, I'm excited, se?or.

Jeff Dunham:
Why are you excited, Jos??

Peanut:
Probably because you're holding his stick. [nods and sways his head]

Jeff Dunham:
Do you have to do jokes like that?

Peanut:
It's just weird to me that, in front of everyone, you're holding Jos?'s stick!

Jeff Dunham:
Any suggestions?

Peanut:
You should at least take him out to dinner first. [nods]

Jeff Dunham:
So, Achmed, are you enjoying Richmond?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Oh, I love the nightlife here.

Jeff Dunham:
What part of the nightlife?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
They have live sex shows.

Jeff Dunham:
Really? Where?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
In the hotel room right next to mine.

[the audience laughs; Jeff and Achmed look perplexedly out at the audience and then at each other]

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
What?

Jeff Dunham:
That's my room. [the audience laughs and cheers]

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Next time, you should get a partner.

[Referring to the death of Bin Laden]

Jeff Dunham:
Well, what did you think about them burying him at sea?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
I think it's cool that he could end up anywhere!

Jeff Dunham:
What do you mean?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
That is one episode of "Spongebob" I gotta see!

Walter:
[Jeff mentioned that the housing in Africa is bad] Can we talk about the housing?

Jeff Dunham:
No.

Walter:
[to audience] Okay, listen up.

Jeff Dunham:
Wait a minute...

Walter:
In the poorest areas...

Jeff Dunham:
We went there...

Walter:
Yeah, we visited them. I'm not making any jokes, I'm just passing on information. In the poorest areas, their houses, I'm not kidding, were all built out of poo.

Jeff Dunham:
Cow dung.

Walter:
Sh*t.

[Jeff stares at Walter]

Walter:
Aw, come on! Their houses are built out of sh*t! Who the hell made that decision? Couple of guys sitting around one day, Matumba and Chuck.

[Jeff smiles; Walter stares]

Jeff Dunham:
Chuck?

Walter:
I don't know any African names, do you?

Jeff Dunham:
[to Achmed, about to bring out his son] What I want you to do is to just... [points to his right]... look over there while I'm getting him out so you won't peek.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Okay.

Jeff Dunham:
Just look over there.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Hey, wait a minute. When I'm not looking, are you going to kill me?

Jeff Dunham:
No.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
That's actually a good way of doing it, you know. Kind of old school, but effective.

Peanut:
[referring to Jos? Jalape?o's stick] Maybe it's actually a handle.

Jeff Dunham:
A handle?

Peanut:
Yeah, you can use Jos? as a weapon.

Jeff Dunham:
To hit with?

Peanut:
Yes!

Jos? Jalape?o on a Stick:
I want to go back in the box.

Peanut:
No, this is awesome! "What happened to Frank?" "He got whacked by a jalape?o!"

Jos? Jalape?o on a Stick:
On a stick.

Peanut:
Yes! Think about it: you'd be wielding a Mexican whacker!

Jos? Jalape?o on a Stick:
On a stick.

Peanut:
YES!

Peanut:
Look, you know how Batman had a sidekick, Robin, and one of their weapons was a Batarang?

Jeff Dunham:
Yes, of course.

Peanut:
[looking at Jeff] Oh, dude.

Jeff Dunham:
What?

Peanut:
You just showed your geek. And it smells like loser. [shakes head]

Jos? Jalape?o on a Stick:
You are not a loser, se?or.

Jeff Dunham:
Thank you, Jos?.

Peanut:
Suck-up.

Jos? Jalape?o on a Stick:
Muppet reject.

Jeff Dunham:
[about Walter's wife] Have you ever had a weight problem?

Walter:
Only when she sat on me.

Jeff Dunham:
Will you...

Walter:
[screams] "Get off of me!" Actually, it's more like this: "Hello?" [mimics echoing] "Hello... hello..." "It's dark in here!... Here... here..." "I found your keys!... keys... keys..." I am not kidding. Then she farted and unlocked the car doors.

Jeff Dunham:
What does your wife think when you do things like this?

Walter:
I don't care.

Peanut:
[told that the politically-correct term for "Indian" is "Native American"] I guess that is a little less confusing of a term, though.

Jeff Dunham:
What?

Peanut:
"Native American".

Jeff Dunham:
Why?

Peanut:
'Cause when you say "Indian", you don't know what the hell they're talking about.

Jeff Dunham:
What?

Peanut:
Is it the ones that go... [mimics stereotypical Native American chanting]... or the ones that go... [speaking in Indian accent] "Thank you for calling customer support"? [audience cheers] But in this case, I'm talking about the ones that go... [mimics the Native American chant, doing in a high voice and a low voice, then says in Jeff's ear] How.

Jeff Dunham:
Do you know what that chant means?

Peanut:
No, but I think it means... [to the Native American chant] "I forgot the words!"

Peanut:
[to Jos?] Hey! He could drop you and then I'll throw down a couple of avocados, and we got guacamole!

Jos? Jalape?o on a Stick:
I could still burn your ass.

Peanut:
[shrugs] Good point.

Jeff Dunham:
Achmed, since you're clearly a terrorist, are you Muslim?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
No! Scientologist.

Jeff Dunham:
But you used to be Muslim.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
No, look at me! I'm too extreme! I was Catholic.

Jeff Dunham:
Really?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
A Methodist.

Jeff Dunham:
What?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Buddhist.

Jeff Dunham:
What?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
A Baptist.

Jeff Dunham:
What?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
A Capricorn.

Jeff Dunham:
Wait a minute! What are you doing?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
I'm trying to offend as many infidels as possible. [laughs evilly]

Jeff Dunham:
[to Achmed] It's your son, Achmed Jr.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
A.J.?

Achmed Jr.:
That's right.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Wait, I thought you were dead.

Achmed Jr.:
Surprise.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
[to Achmed Jr] Hey, what happened to your face?

[pause]

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Oh, yeah. My bad.

Jeff Dunham:
[to Peanut] You know, we have plenty of Native Americans here this evening.

Peanut:
Oh, goody! Let's play craps! [nods; Jeff stares] What? They've got the reservations and the casinos and making millions of dollars every day, hand over fist. They're laughing all the way to the bank.

Jeff Dunham:
[to Walter] Did you like the city of London?

Walter:
I don't know. I got confused one day standing in a hotel lobby.

Jeff Dunham:
Why?

Walter:
Some big ol' black guy walked up to me and started speaking English with a British accent. I thought I was in the Twilight Zone. I swear, some big ol' black guy walks up to me and goes... [British accent] "Oh, good afternoon, sir." [normal voice] I'm like, "Who the hell is making you talk?" What the hell?

Peanut:
So, how are you, Little Ugly Assjeff?

Little Jeff:
I'm sad, handsome Peanut.

Jeff Dunham:
Wait a minute. Handsome Peanut?

Little Jeff:
Yes, Peanut is very handsome, unlike you, ugly-ass Jeff.

Jeff Dunham:
He is me!

Peanut:
Good point.

Little Jeff:
I hate my ugly-ass self.

Peanut:
[mimicking a Chinese takeout person] No fork, taste of China, like fish?

[sounds like "No f***, taste a vagina, like fish?"]

Jeff Dunham:
So you know where we are?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Yes, South Africa! [Jeff stares and shakes his head] No? [Jeff shakes his head again] But Walter said if they're all white, it's South Africa.

Jeff Dunham:
No, we're back in the United States.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Oh, are they pissed?

Jeff Dunham:
About what in particular?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Well, you know, I kinda look like a...

Jeff Dunham:
Oh, yeah.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Yeah. A cab driver.

Jeff Dunham:
[Jeff learns that Jos? was evicted] Why didn't you come to my house?

[Peanut snickers]

Jos? Jalape?o on a Stick:
Ask Peanut.

Jeff Dunham:
[to Peanut] Why didn't he come to my house?

Peanut:
[amused] We told him you loved eating Mexican food!

Jos? Jalape?o on a Stick:
I was afraid for my life.

Jeff Dunham:
[to Peanut] So where'd you take him?

Peanut:
Taco Bell!

Jeff Dunham:
I'm a single father now. But I always try and look for the silver lining in the dark clouds. And one of the silver linings about getting divorced is, I get to pick out my own house, because someone has the other house now.

Walter:
[as everyone applauds Walter coming out] Holy crap, will you shut the hell up? [Jeff laughs] You too!

Peanut:
[about Little Jeff] He said he was sad.

Jeff Dunham:
I heard him.

Peanut:
Why are you sad, Assjeff?

Little Jeff:
Because I'm a loser.

Peanut:
Yeah, that is sad.

Jos? Jalape?o on a Stick:
[from inside the box] And he's ugly.

Little Jeff:
And I'm ugly.

Peanut:
[to Jos?] Thank you.

Jos? Jalape?o on a Stick:
It's okay.

Jeff Dunham:
Will you stop this?

Jeff Dunham:
[to Achmed] So look, Walter and I were talking earlier, and that you've gotten pretty famous lately now, haven't you?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Oh, yes. And I think very soon, I'm going to need my own posse. That's with an O. Poooooosse. P-P-Pooo-o-o-ooosse. Posse.

Jeff Dunham:
Why are you explaining that?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
In Amsterdam, they thought I said something else. I don't even like cats.

[opening lines]

Jeff Dunham:
I can't believe the show starts in half an hour, and Achmed's late.

Walter:
Maybe he drowned trying to visit Bin Laden's grave. [laughs]

Jeff Dunham:
You know, Vegas has become a great vacation spot for families.

Walter:
Oh yeah, sure. Yeah. That makes sense, take the family to Vegas.

Jeff Dunham:
Yeah.

Walter:
'Cause kids love whores.

[mimicking a child]

Walter:
"Look, mommy! There's a place with poles, like where you used to work."

Jeff Dunham:
[about to bring out Little Jeff] He's in the box?

Peanut:
Yep, right next to Jos?.

Jeff Dunham:
Can I get him out?

Peanut:
Yeah.

Jos? Jalape?o on a Stick:
[inside the box] Don't touch my stick. [Jeff reaches his hand into the box]

Peanut:
[shouting] CAREFUL! [startled, Jeff looks at Peanut]

Jeff Dunham:
What?

Peanut:
[whispering in Jeff's ear] He's really ugly.

Jos? Jalape?o on a Stick:
He is ugly, se?or.

Peanut:
He is nasty-looking!

Jos? Jalape?o on a Stick:
He's so scary, I wet my stick.

Jeff Dunham:
[holding up Little Jeff] I thought you said he was ugly.

Peanut:
[amused] He is!

Jeff Dunham:
He looks a little like me.

Peanut:
No, he looks A LOT like you!

[the audience is laughing throughout]

Jeff Dunham:
This isn't funny.

Peanut:
Then why is everyone else laughing?

[nods]

Jos? Jalape?o on a Stick:
[from inside the box] I laughed, too, se?or. I laughed so hard, I cracked my stick.

Jeff Dunham:
I also had an unusual hobby. I became a licensed helicopter pilot. But I built and was flying my own full-sized, real, two-seat helicopter. Now, you would think this someone who is smart enough to build and fly their own helicopter could maybe pick out a decent pair of shorts. [gestures toward an old photograph of himself standing next to a helicopter near a cornfield, wearing a blue t-shirt and a pair of short red shorts; the audience cheers] Thank you. Oh, no, it's "Thank God the corn was high enough that nobody on the freeway could see me," that's all I can say.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
When Bin Laden died...

Jeff Dunham:
Yeah?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
...there were no 72 virgins waiting for him. No, it was some kind of misunderstanding. Turned out it was one 72-year-old virgin. Osama is stuck forever with Bea Arthur! And Osama and I agree that that 72-virgin thing is overrated.

Jeff Dunham:
How's that?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Who wants to hear this 72 times? "Ooh! Ow! Oh, boo-hoo-hoo! You're gonna call me, right?"

Jeff Dunham:
[talking into walkie-talkie] Security?

Bubba J:
[standing at the entrance dressed as a security guard, into walkie-talkie] That's my name, don't wear it out.

Jeff Dunham:
Bubba J?

Bubba J:
Yeah, well, gotta go. Beer break.

Jeff Dunham:
Wait, Achmed's late. Keep an eye out for him.

Bubba J:
Which eye?

Walter:
[about Achmed] I'm getting sick of that guy. I think all this fame has gone to his head.

Jeff Dunham:
Why?

Walter:
He's been doing all the typical Hollywood stuff.

Jeff Dunham:
Like what?

Walter:
He's been dating a goat half his age. Oh yeah, an actual goat! Even got her fake teats! Oh yeah, all six of 'em.

Jeff Dunham:
Walter, a goat only has two.

Walter:
How sick is it that you actually know that? What, are you so lonely now you're checking out barnyard animals? You know, they're called petting zoos, not heavy petting zoos. Come on, what's her name? [mimics bleating] Ma-a-a-a-argret?

Jeff Dunham:
Will you...? Can we change the subject?

Walter:
[bleating] Su-u-ure.

Jeff Dunham:
[to Achmed about Bin Laden] Well, since he's dead, do you think they're gonna come after you now?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
[laughs, then looks puzzled] Wait, what?

Jeff Dunham:
Well, you're a terrorist.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Yeah, but I suck at it.

Jeff Dunham:
You know, the military has the deck of cards of the 52 most wanted terrorists. Are you one of those?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Yeah, but I'm in the go fish deck.

Peanut:
[Little Jeff said he was sad and ugly] That's a shame, Little Ugly Assjeff.

Little Jeff:
I have no idea how I made it this far in life.

Peanut:
Me neither.

Jos? Jalape?o on a Stick:
[from inside the box] No one does.

Little Jeff:
I suck.

Jeff Dunham:
All right!

Jeff Dunham:
[annoyed by Peanut's "Taste of China" bit] Now, Peanut, you've been doing this bit for a few weeks now, and I've been a little bit worried about it.

Peanut:
Why?

Jeff Dunham:
Because I didn't know if it was pushing the racism thing too far, and my fears actually came true this afternoon.

Peanut:
What?

Jeff Dunham:
Right before the show started, we actually got an email. This was from a guy that was from one of our shows a couple of weeks ago. The guy's obviously of Asian descent. He saw the whole show, including the "Taste of China" bit. He was offended, and the guy actually took the time to write an email to complain. And I know that when one person takes the time to write an email like this, there's usually a bunch of other people who feel the same and don't take the time. I feel bad about this. I want to make it right to this guy. I would like for you to read his email, and we're gonna send him the DVD.

Peanut:
Well, thanks for bringing our show to a grinding, freaking halt!

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Do you know what that idiot Peanut did to me?

Jeff Dunham:
What?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
He stole my ShamWow!

Walter:
[Jeff is divorced] So that's it, huh?

Jeff Dunham:
That's what?

Walter:
All those years of being married, and now it's over.

Jeff Dunham:
Yeah.

Walter:
So, all those years of raising the girls, and now the family's broken up.

Jeff Dunham:
Right.

Walter:
So, no more marriage?

Jeff Dunham:
No.

Walter:
No more wife?

Jeff Dunham:
No.

Walter:
What's it like? [pause] Oh, please let me live vicariously through you!

Jeff Dunham:
Walter, divorce is not a good thing.

Walter:
Oh, you can't lie to me, a**hole!

Peanut:
[to Jos?] You're not Jewish, 'cause then you wouldn't be Jos? Jalape?o, you'd be Haim Jalape?o. On a bagel. [cackles; to Jeff] Where would you hold him then?

Jos? Jalape?o on a Stick:
In the hole.

Peanut:
[shakes head] I am not touching that.

Jos? Jalape?o on a Stick:
No, you'd probably never have.

Peanut:
If this comedy business doesn't work out for you...

Jeff Dunham:
Yeah?

Peanut:
You can be a crime fighter!

Jeff Dunham:
A crime fighter?

Peanut:
Yes! You can be Dunham-man! With Jos?, your trusty side-stick! [cackles]

Jeff Dunham:
So you're saying I would be a superhero.

Peanut:
Mmm, ish.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
[making the P sound in "posse" repeatedly] How am I doing that with no lips? [the audience laughs and applauds] That's what she said. [cackles]

Jeff Dunham:
I can't believe you did that.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
That's what SHE said!

Jeff Dunham:
Will you stop this?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
[higher pitch] THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!

Jeff Dunham:
I don't like this.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
[VERY high pitch] THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!

Jeff Dunham:
How long is this?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
[screeching] THATSWHATSHESAID! [the audience applauds again; long pause as Jeff and Achmed stare at each other] Think about it...

Jeff Dunham:
So, you were talking to Walter earlier.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
[suddenly angry] Damn it!

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
I have nothing in common with my own son!

Jeff Dunham:
Well, just talk to him.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
How?

Jeff Dunham:
I don't know, like you would anybody.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Okay. [to Achmed Jr] WTF? OMG! I mean, OMA!

Peanut:
[to Little Jeff] Maybe you can make up for your lose-iness by having a good personality.

Little Jeff:
No.

Peanut:
Doubtful?

Jos? Jalape?o on a Stick:
[from inside the box] No way.

Peanut:
I'm sorry.

Little Jeff:
Me, too.

Jeff Dunham:
Okay, look!

Jeff Dunham:
[to Walter] Do you want to be in a good mood?

Walter:
Not if I'd look like a moron like you, no, thank you. I've seen you walk by perfect strangers and go, "Oh, hello, how are you? Hoo-hoo-hoo!"

Jeff Dunham:
So?

Walter:
That makes mothers hide their children from you.

Jeff Dunham:
[to Walter] You don't think I should be nice to strangers?

Walter:
You know, even dogs sniff a**holes first.

Peanut:
[reading the Asian man's irate email] "Dear Peanut, hello."

[pronounces it "herro"; Jeff looks at Peanut sternly]

Jeff Dunham:
[to the cheering audience] I'm sor...

[looks back at Peanut again, looking exasperated]

Peanut:
Oh, now how could I pass that up? You threw a slow ball down the middle of the plate. I had to f***ing swing!

Jeff Dunham:
For the folks who might not know, Achmed, you are a suicide bomber.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
[singsong voice] Yes, I am. Don't stand too close...! [laughs evilly]

Jos? Jalape?o on a Stick:
So we're a crimefighting team?

Peanut:
Yes!

Jeff Dunham:
What kind of crime do we fight?

Peanut:
Illegal aliens.

Jos? Jalape?o on a Stick:
I think there's a conflict of interest.

Peanut:
Look, so you're fighting illegals, whack 'em on the head with Jos?, and every time Jos? hits someone, he yells...

Jos? Jalape?o on a Stick:
Ol?.

Peanut:
Yes! Pretty cool, huh?

Jeff Dunham:
I guess so.

Jeff Dunham:
Walter, have you ever thought about being happy?

Walter:
Yeah.

Jeff Dunham:
What happened?

Walter:
Pissed me off.

Jeff Dunham:
What would happen if you were happy?

Walter:
Your show would suck.

Jeff Dunham:
[referring to Bin Laden] So, where exactly is he?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Well, he won't say, but I'm pretty sure it's hell.

Jeff Dunham:
Why do you say that?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Well, they get cable, but they only get one channel.

Jeff Dunham:
What?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
The Oprah Winfrey Network.

Jeff Dunham:
Wait a minute. Come on, Achmed, a lot of people love Oprah.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Were you ever on her show?

Jeff Dunham:
No.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
She doesn't love you...!

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
My father was a suicide bomber.

Jeff Dunham:
So you guys were a lot alike?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Well, I have his eyes. In a box! And I like to hide them wherever Walter is sleeping. That way, when Walter wakes up, it scares the crap out of him.

Walter:
[from inside the box] You son of a b*tch, I'll kick your ass right now! I'll show you!

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Is that case locked from the outside?

Jeff Dunham:
Yeah, why?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
'Cause he still scares the crap out of me!

[Peanut is reading the Asian man's irate email in an Asian-sounding voice, much to Jeff's annoyance]

Jeff Dunham:
I'm trying to do the right thing here.

Peanut:
I'm not!

Jeff Dunham:
You know, we have folks of Asian descent here this evening.

Peanut:
[Asian voice] Oh, so sorry.

Jeff Dunham:
WILL YOU STOP IT!

Walter:
[Jeff is divorced] So what happened?

Jeff Dunham:
What happened, Walter, is that, unfortunately, in our country these days, more than fifty percent of marriages now end in divorce, and sadly, mine was on that side of things.

Walter:
You know, Jeff, I never thought I'd say this to you, but... [sniffs; voice wavers]... you're my hero!

Walter:
[trying to cheer up Jeff after learning he is divorced] Come on, what's it like to wake up in the morning and not hate your life? To not think, "Uh-oh, here she comes!"

[makes retching sound]

Walter:
You can leave your toilet seat up ALL THE TIME! I'd hot-glue mine open, for God's sakes! And then sh*t in the back yard! Just because I could!

[last lines]

Jeff Dunham:
[Peanut, Jos? and Little Jeff are all making fun of Jeff] You guys really think this is funny?

Peanut:
Oh yeah.

Jos? Jalape?o on a Stick:
[from inside the box] Si.

Peanut:
Definitely.

Little Jeff:
The truth hurts.

Jeff Dunham:
Okay. I tell you what, Peanut, you think that's funny?

[reaches into box]

Jeff Dunham:
I have something here that you're gonna like.

Peanut:
What?

Jeff Dunham:
Just trust me. You're gonna love this.

[pulls out a small hand puppet version of Peanut; the real Peanut looks shocked]

Little Jeff:
What the f*** is that?

[audience laughs]

Little Peanut:
Hi, look at me! I'm a little idiot!

[cackles]

Peanut:
That is not funny!

Little Peanut:
Yes, it is!

Peanut:
No, it's not!

Jeff Dunham:
I think it is.

Jos? Jalape?o on a Stick:
Me, too.

Little Jeff:
L-O-L.

Peanut:
[to Little Jeff] Shut up!

Jeff Dunham:
[to audience] You guys have been awesome. Thank you! Good night!

Jeff Dunham:
[to Achmed about his son, Achmed Jr] How do you not know who his mother is?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
[scoffs] I had 46 wives, you idiot. They all dressed the same and their faces were covered.

Jeff Dunham:
How did you tell them apart?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
The numbers on their backs.

Jeff Dunham:
That's terrible!

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
I know. Mother's Day is a b*tch! And so are most of the mothers!

Achmed Jr.:
That's not funny at all.

[sounds like "ataal"]

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Ataal? Who is Ataal? Was she your mother? I don't remember a woman who was all bulgy-eyed like you!

Jeff Dunham:
Bulgy-eyed?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Well, look at him!

Achmed Jr.:
Well, you're not exactly squinting!

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
At least my face is balanced! You manage to look asleep and terrified all at the same time!

Jeff Dunham:
[to Achmed] There were never any girls at your school?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
No, but for some reason, we had a girls' restroom.

Jeff Dunham:
I see.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
And one day, Omar and I snuck in there to explore.

Jeff Dunham:
The girls' restroom?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Uh-huh.

Jeff Dunham:
And what did you find?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
A couple of strange and wonderful things.

Jeff Dunham:
Like what?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Well, we found a machine. And if you put two shekels in it, a small missile would come out!

Jeff Dunham:
A missile?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Well, I think it was. It had a little white fuse. And it must've been a very special missile, because it was lightly scented. And then you could put two shekels in the other machine and get the bonus accuracy package.

Jeff Dunham:
What?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
It had WINGS!

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
[to Achmed Jr] Listen, you!

Jeff Dunham:
Achmed, you're getting hostile!

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Of course I'm getting hostile! I'm a terrorist, you idiot! You piss me off, I kill you!

Achmed Jr.:
Would that really solve anything?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Pretty much, yeah, I think it does.

Walter:
Then we went to Ireland. I got all confused there.

Jeff Dunham:
Why?

Walter:
Everybody's last name starts with "O": O'Malley, O'Shay... I think I know a black Irish guy.

Jeff Dunham:
Who's that?

Walter:
O'Bama.

Jeff Dunham:
I don't think Obama's Irish.

Walter:
Maybe he's half-Irish, half-African-American. I can't wait to meet him. I'm gonna walk up to him and go, "Hey, top of the mornin' to ya there, dawg. How's your health care hangin', yo, yo? Hey, that last election was a bee-yotch!"

Jeff Dunham:
[to Peanut, who is talking like an Asian] It's not right.

Peanut:
What?

Jeff Dunham:
It's not right.

Peanut:
What?

Jeff Dunham:
It's not right.

Peanut:
It's snot right? Everybody heard you; you said "Snot". You might as well have gone, "It's... [sniffs]... right."

Jeff Dunham:
So Achmed, do you have any good memories of your father?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Uh, for my eighth birthday, he got me a puppy.

Jeff Dunham:
That's good.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
No, it turned into a disaster.

Jeff Dunham:
Why?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Because sometimes my father was a very confused man, and that day, my mother told him to go outside and blow up some party balloons.

Jeff Dunham:
Yeah?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
And that's how I got a dog with no legs.

Jeff Dunham:
So Achmed, do you know why A.J. is here?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Well, I... Wait a minute. This isn't some crap about owing child support, is it? That b*tch!... Whichever one she was.

Jeff Dunham:
No, that's not it.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
This is bad, because I've seen the crap that you're going through, and I don't know how you can even afford a t-shirt.

Jeff Dunham:
Thank you.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
[softly] Did I say that just how you wrote it?

Jeff Dunham:
Yes, thank you.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Okay. Good luck with the judge. I hope he's fair.

Jeff Dunham:
Actually, the judge is a woman.

Achmed Jr.:
You're f***ed.

Walter:
There are those little idiot dogs who, when they see anyone, they jump all around and then pee on themselves. You ever felt like doing that?

Jeff Dunham:
It's not gonna happen.

Walter:
Well, you might not jump all around, but when you get my age, you'll piss on yourself.

Jeff Dunham:
Good evening, Jos?.

Jos? Jalape?o on a Stick:
Hola, Se?or Jeff. [pronounces it "Heff"]

Jeff Dunham:
How are... [stammers] Whoops.

Peanut:
What the hell was that? Were you trying to say, "How are you?" and it came out "Huh-huh-huh-huh"? Why is that we speak perfectly and you f*** up?

Jeff Dunham:
[about Achmed's dog with no legs] What did you call him?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
[stares at Jeff] Seriously? [pause] Seriously?

Jeff Dunham:
What?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
I had a dog with no legs.

Jeff Dunham:
What did you call him?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Seriously? Okay, you're a comedian, right?

Jeff Dunham:
Yeah.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
[slowly] I had a dog... with no legs. [threateningly] Ask me again... [Jeff stares at Achmed; they both raise their eyebrows at each other, open their mouths briefly without speaking and move their eyes back and forth between them and the audience]

Jeff Dunham:
What did you call him?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
I didn't call him anything because he could never come. [the audience laughs] It's not funny!

Jeff Dunham:
Achmed, that's, like, the oldest joke ever.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Yes, but in my case, it was true.

Jeff Dunham:
[to Achmed about Achmed Jr] You have no idea why he's here?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
To start his training as a terrorist.

Achmed Jr.:
No, father, that's just it. I don't want to be a terrorist.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
But I want you to be just like me.

Achmed Jr.:
Well, I'm not, and I won't be.

Jeff Dunham:
Achmed, can you accept that?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
I guess I can try.

Jeff Dunham:
And A.J., what if he doesn't accept it?

Achmed Jr.:
I kill you.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
That's my boy!

Walter:
[talking about how African houses are made out of poo] It's like the fourth little pig that no one talks about. This little pig built his house out of bricks, this one out of sticks, and this one out of straw, but the fourth little pig built his house out of poopoo! [audience laughs] Yeah, Disney never told you about him. And the Big Bad Wolf said, "I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll... Oh my god! I got sh*t in my nose!"

Bubba J:
[seeing Achmed pull up in a shiny metallic-orange hot rod with a skull-shaped air-scoop on top of the engine] Whoa-hoh - - is that a HYBRID?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
[irritably] It's the ACHMEDMOBILE, you EEdiot! Just be careful parking it, or I KEEL YOU! [arrogantly tosses his key-ring in Bubba J's general direction; it sails through the air in slow-motion, then smacks into Bubba J's hat and the side of his head before falling to the pavement]

Bubba J:
[in casual happy-go-lucky cheeriness] Didn't hurt.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
[striding away contemptuously] And whatEVER you do, don't touch the RED BUTTON!

Bubba J:
[not hearing Achmed's directive properly in his inebriated state, especially since Achmed's back was turned as he was speaking, and then seeing a huge round convex transluscent-red button in the middle of the electronic keyless-entry fob on Achmed's keyring] Got it! Touch the RE-H-H-D button!

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
[not hearing properly himself, either, as he continues to stomp off in a huff, and so he thinks that Bubba J had correctly repeated back his instructions] Yes...

Bubba J:
[gleefully and clumsily jams his fat finger down on the red button, causing huge jets of brilliant-orange flame to blast out of the car's windows]

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
[hearing the roar of flames and realizing to his sudden consternation that Bubba J has indeed pressed the car's self-destruct button] NO-O-O-O-O-O!

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
[freezes in horror as the entire car erupts in explosive clouds of flying parts and raging fireballs; the detatched skull-scoop sails in a tumbling motion towards the camera, and the title "Controlled Chaos" appears amid the smoke and swirling debris]

Peanut:
I had to phone-order takeout Chinese food.

Jeff Dunham:
Oh.

Peanut:
Have you done this lately?

Jeff Dunham:
Phone-order takeout Chinese? No.

Peanut:
Excuse me, but do these guys get together in the morning and decide who speaks English the worst?

Jeff Dunham:
[to Achmed about the death of Bin Laden] Did you have something to do with it?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Yes... No! Yes, no, no, no, no! No, that NAVY Seal training was just for laughs. [laughs nervously]

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
[his leg gets caught on his stand] Marnell! Come fix my leg!

[a stage hand comes out and fixes Achemd's leg]

Achmed Jr.:
He's kind of cute.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
[stunned, sharing a look with Jeff] Okay, moving on!

Jeff Dunham:
Achmed, he's your son.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Well, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, and apparently this one got run over by a f***ing lawn mower.

Achmed Jr.:
You caused the accident.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Accident? It was a huge explosion with great fire and destruction.

Achmed Jr.:
You didn't mean for it to happen.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
I did, too!

Achmed Jr.:
You did not.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Lis...

[his leg gets caught again]

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Oh, sh*t. MARNELL! Son of a b*tch!

Achmed Jr.:
Are you talking to me now?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
[Marnell fixes his leg again and leaves] Fix it right, or I kick your ass! Marnell! Come back! My arm is stuck in my pelvis, you a**hole!

[Marnell fixes everything and leaves again]

Achmed Jr.:
He can fix my pelvis anytime.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Shut up!

Jeff Dunham:
So, the explosion you were talking about, how did it happen?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Very precise and careful planning.

Achmed Jr.:
Not exactly.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
I said shut up!

Jeff Dunham:
What happened?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Nothing!

Achmed Jr.:
He was putting gasoline in his scooter.

Jeff Dunham:
So why was there an explosion?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
[awkward pause] Sh*t happens.

Achmed Jr.:
I'm here for a reason.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
What, a skin graft? Sorry, I'm all out.

[his leg gets caught a third time]

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
F***! MARNELL! COME FIX MY F***ING LEG! Get duct tape, you a**hole!

Jeff Dunham:
[Marnell comes out with a roll of duct tape] He actually brought duct tape.

Achmed Jr.:
[Marnell fixes and tapes down Achmed's legs] He's kinky, too.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
SHUT UP!

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Like Santa Claus, I have been making a list of people to kill twice.

Jeff Dunham:
Santa doesn't kill people.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
He does if he's Terror Claus!

Jeff Dunham:
Terror Claus? I never heard of him.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Ohhhh... [singing to "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town"] He kills when you're sleeping./He chokes you when you wake./He knows if you are Catholic or Jewish,/So renounce your infidel faith!

Jeff Dunham:
That's terrible!

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
But catchy!

Jeff Dunham:
[to Peanut] What you're doing is not right.

Peanut:
Okay!

Jeff Dunham:
It's wrong.

Peanut:
Okay! [pause] No, Peanut! No! [another pause] No! It's not right.

Jeff Dunham:
It's bad.

Peanut:
I'm a baaaad Peanut.

Jeff Dunham:
[commenting on a childhood photo of his, in which he wears a striped shirt and plaid pants] How did my mother even let me out of the house? And this wasn't some accident on a Saturday morning when I accidentally threw on the wrong clothes. This is an outfit I wore to school regularly. I don't know why I didn't get beat up on a regular basis. I must've gone to the store and said, "Do you have any pants that don't even go with themselves?"

Jeff Dunham:
You know, Walter, just once I think you should try being happy.

Walter:
You're an idiot. [Jeff laughs] What the hell is wrong with you? When I call you an idiot, you smile like I gave you cake!

Peanut:
Dude...

Jeff Dunham:
What?

Peanut:
Where's your other hand?

[laughter; Peanut looks around, then between his legs, then back at the audience with a look of shock]

Peanut:
I hope you're wearing a glove. Do you do this to the other guys?

Jeff Dunham:
Everybody except Jose.

Peanut:
Yeah, you shoved a stick up his ass! I think I'd rather have that!

[Achmed after saying his dog could roll over] “IT’S NOT FUNNY, because if there’s any kind of incline, he couldn’t stop himself! He looked like a runaway can of pinto beans rolling down a hill. It was the only time I ever saw a cat actually laugh. (imitates cat laughing; turns into a slow dying groan)

[Jeff Dunham, concerned] What was that?

[Achmed to Jeff] I killed the f***ing cat!

Deeeear Mr. Peanut, Haro.

We see your show last night and we wrath and wrath. What they are wrathing. Come on, let me stay in charactor.