The Norm Show

Artie Henderson:
I'm a little overweight due to a genetic disorder that makes fried chicken delicious.

[after learning that Norm decided to take it easy on insulting, Mr. Denby if he wouldn't fire his friends]

Norm:
Ah, it was nothing, actually it was a huge sacrifice, it was not unlike that guy, uh, Jesus Christ Almighty!

Norm Henderson:
I hate you. You've never given me anything to be happy for!

Max Denby:
I gave you life!

Norm:
See ya soon Vic.

Vic:
Yeah, screw you Norm.

Laurie:
What are you going to keep doing this all your life? You know there is nothing sadder than a 70-year-old prostitute!

Norm:
Yeah, you don't wanna have to be taking your teeth out twenty or thirty times a day!

Mr. Denby:
Norm, I'd like to talk to you regarding our long distance policy (MacDonald, Norm@Norm Henderson) [on the phone]: Okay, sir

Mr. Denby:
You have all these calls to China. Who do you know in China?

Norm Henderson:
Well, no one until you call, sir. Hold on one second. [into phone, in Chinese] Ni hao ma. Ding hai Prince Albert in a can?

Norm Henderson:
He may be rich, but all his money and power can't stop me from rubbing my hands together maniacally!

[contest-winning punchline]

Mr. Denby:
The men's bathroom is disgusting. Tell her, Norm.

Norm:
There's a bathroom in this building? I've been using the donut shop across the street.

Laurie:
You go all the way across the street just to use the bathroom in the donut shop?

Norm:
There's a bathroom in the donut shop?

Max Denby:
My ex-wife, who for the purposes of this conversation I'll just call... biiiitttccchhh!

Norm Henderson:
You are a worthy adversary. We will meet again - if, provided I survive the series of skin-graphs and years of painful physiotherapy.

Shelly:
Norm, I don't know how we're ever going to repay you for this.

[preparing to get the toys Norm has promised]

Norm Henderson:
Ah huh, well, you know, most guys are so crude they'd want sex.

[Norm pauses and gives a smiling grin while looking at shelly for telve seconds, then stops when he realizes his mistake]

Norm Henderson:
But not me!

Norm Henderson:
[comforting a sad Laurie] Laurie, I, ah-ah, can't stand to see you like this, you know? I'm gonna turn away.

[turns around]

Max Denby:
No, no, Jason, no, no, no paper clips; staples - these have to be stapled.

Jason Denby:
But dad, I already did all of them.

Max Denby:
Yah, you have to do it again. Ah, paper clips are for indecisive people; staples are for winners.

Molly Carver:
I really like Kira.

Laurie Freeman:
Really... well, you're new.

Molly Carver:
You don't like her?

Laurie Freeman:
No, I didn't say that. I have nothing but happy, happy thoughts for Kira.

Molly Carver:
Ah huh, why don't you like her?

Laurie Freeman:
I don't like to bad mouth anybody, but she is an evil lying troll who takes pleasure in the misery of others, and if life was fair, she and her tacky teddy bear accessories would perish on the burning rocks of Hell, but that might just be me.

Norm Henderson:
Listen, you know, I'm your best friend, Danny, ah, and I'd like to give you some advice on marriage but fortunately I've never been married, so, ah, I brought along a couple fellows to-to help you out. Danny Sanchez I'd like you to meet Rick Rockwell and John Wayne Bobbitt. Now, ah, fellows, my, ah, friend here is thinking about getting married, and I was wondering if you could tell him if you think marriage is a smart idea.

Norm Henderson:
Sir, may I say that, ah, now that you're out amongst us, it's not like you're the boss anymore, you know, you're just like one of us sir - except! Except that, of course, you ahve a huge prostate.

Danny Sanchez:
I'm-I'm so nervous, I mean, what if she doesn't say "Yes"? [speaking of proposing to Taylor]

Norm Henderson:
Oh, that's rudiculous, of course she'll say "Yes". Hey - just to be on the safe side, why don't you kill every other man on Earth.

Max Denby:
Well, Norm, I finally got you right where I want you.

Norm Henderson:
What? I'm not on a matress in the back of your van, sir.

Artie Henderson:
Hey, I thought you were trying to date Taylor.

Danny Sanchez:
I'm not trying, I am dating her; we're going out this Saturday.

Artie Henderson:
Well, that will be great; you can go grab some dinner and watch her have sex with that guy.

[motioning to Taylor's old football playing friend she is talking to]

Danny Sanchez:
They're just old friends and there's nothing to worry about.

Artie Henderson:
Not yet, it's a matter of time. We're talkin' genetics here. Millions of years of evolution dictate that they should be together. Beautiful people go with beautiful people; the rest of us have to pick from the dregs.

Danny Sanchez:
That's not always true.

Artie Henderson:
Oh yeah? Who'd your father end up with?

Danny Sanchez:
Hey! That's my mother!

[Artie shakes his head while Danny realizes]

Danny Sanchez:
Ut-oh.

Artie Henderson:
The whole thing is unfair. The only way we're gonna have equallity in this world is if guys like you and me get with women like Taylor. That way after the interbreeding everyone will be like a six.

Laurie Freeman:
A horrible man.

Norm Henderson:
Laurie, listen, if you want me to go after him, just tell me and I will.

Laurie Freeman:
I don't know what to do, Norm, he's just a bad man! But see, then I'm a hypocrite if I let you attack him.

Norm Henderson:
Well, you shouldn't have to decide, you know. Well, let's let God decide. [he stands up] Ah, bow your head there is prayer, Laurie. Dear God, ah, listen. Ah, there's this bad man that I want to destroy, but ah, if you want me to resist the temptation and stay on thee path of righteousness, then ah, just give me a sign, any sign. [a dove flies from out of nowhere and lands next to Norm, which Laurie and Danny don't see, so Norm shoves the dove in a drawer quickly] No sign!

Norm Henderson:
I don't need a reading lamp in my living room, I don't have a toilet in there.

Artie Henderson:
Listen, man, the lamp is just the beginning. Next thing you know she's going to start brining all this girly stuff over to your apartment, you know, like doilies, curlers, and salad. then you wake up one morning and you got a cat. Is that what you want? A cat?

Norm Henderson:
Nope, I don't want a cat.

Artie Henderson:
Then comes the ultimatum.

Norm Henderson:
Ultimatum? What ultimatum?

Artie Henderson:
Well, she's gonna want a commitment, so she'll saying something like, "I'm tired of the city, it's dirty, I need a change", you know, and you'll say, "You don't need a change, stay!" and she'll say, "there's nothing here for me" and you'll go, "Well, what about me?" and three months later you're married, hiding in the bathroom with a fifth of Vodka, wondering if you can fire a shotgun with your toe! [pointing down at one of Norm's feet]

Norm Henderson:
Eh, don't take this the wrong way, Artie, but if I ever married, you know, I might ask somebody else to do the toast.

Norm Henderson:
Oh, we-we got to talk about this living arrangement, you know; this isn't working out. Denby's driving me crazy - we got to get him out. Like, last night, you know, we were in the bathroom, and, ah, Wiener Dog wanted to see what he looked like with his ears up, you know, so I was-I was using different of your hair products to experiment with it, and, ah, so then Denby comes in and claims he wants to "Clean thee bathtub". [slightly motions quotation marks with his hands]

Laurie Freeman:
What's wrong with that?

Norm Henderson:
Who ever heard of anybody cleaning the bathtub? You put soap and water in there every day!

Norm Henderson:
[hitting on a girl at the bar] You know, I've been known to predict the future and, ah, right now I, I see a vision: it's a vision of you and me having a couple of drinks and strolling on the beach together, and returning to your apartment where we'll make sweet, sweet love into the night.

Tina:
Look, I'm not interested. No.

[turning away from him]

Norm Henderson:
Well, can I sleep on your couch? I have no place to live!

[which she turns and looks in horror at him for; she gets up and leaves]

Norm Henderson:
I'm not much trouble!

Max Denby:
Listen, Laurie, I think I have to tell you, though: in the '70's I-I learned the Hussle an-and disco died. I-I-I-I don't think that was a coincidence.

Norm Henderson:
Hey, Danny, I got some bad news, man. Shelly is seeing some guy and I think it's serious.

Danny Sanchez:
How'd you hear about that?

Norm Henderson:
Well, I befriended her hairdresser. Yeah. I've been getting information out of him all week.

Danny Sanchez:
Did ya-did you really do that?

Norm Henderson:
Yeah. Problem is he thinks we're dating, so, ah, if I'm gonna pump him for any more information, then, you know... I'm gonna have to pump him for some information. [shaking his head]

Danny Sanchez:
Hey, ah, I hate to ask you this, but I really need to know: did you and Taylor have sex?

Norm Henderson:
Oh, yeah!

Danny Sanchez:
Oh.

Norm Henderson:
Well, what's a matter? You and Shelly had sex.

Danny Sanchez:
Well, no I didn't; we never went that far.

Norm Henderson:
Well, I don't understand. [confused]

Danny Sanchez:
We never had sex.

Norm Henderson:
I'm confused.

Danny Sanchez:
No - we just wanted to take things slowly.

Norm Henderson:
I don't follow.

Danny Sanchez:
You know how when two people are starting a new relationship...

Norm Henderson:
Oh, yeah, sure.

Danny Sanchez:
And they're just starting to get to know each other? [Norm gestures he understands] And they don't want to screw things up by having sex too quickly?

Norm Henderson:
Dan', you lost me.

Max Denby:
My damn ex-wife, she wants more money from the divoce; sh-sh-she-she's bleeding me dry. If she'd just leave me twenty-five more dollars a month I could have her killed!

Artie Henderson:
Don't you get it? You're the man - you're James bond!

Danny Sanchez:
Am I really?

Artie Henderson:
Yes, you're James Bond. In the body of James Coco.

Max Denby:
Listen, everyone, I got some wonderful news: my dog Fifi is preganent [mispronouncing "pregnant"]

Norm Henderson:
Congratulations, sir! I knew you had it in ya!

Norm Henderson:
Let me ask you something now that, ah, that I've always been curious about, about you lesbians: how is it that if you like breasts so much you're not playing with your own all day long.

Rebecca:
What makes you think I don't? That's why I was late.

Max Denby:
I, I-I think I've aggrivated an old war injury. I-I-I-I got it crawling across the border into Canada.

Rebecca:
This is, ah, huge step for me. I mean, what if we get half-way into it and I change my mind?

Norm Henderson:
Well, I'll be finished by then, [scoots in closer to her] that's all right.

Artie Henderson:
And what do you want for Christmas? [says Artie dressed as Santa with a kid on one of his legs, in the office]

Boy:
Um, I guess I want a place to live. [the kid says depressingly]

Artie Henderson:
No can do. How about a Snickers? [hands him a Snickers candy bar]

Norm Henderson:
Forgiveness! That is the second greatest gift of them all, Laurie. Do you know what the first greatest gift is? Cake.

Max Denby:
Listen, Norm. Ay, Norm! I've talked to the higher ups now, they say this is a government office, we cannot have Christmas decorations.

Norm Henderson:
Wo-why not?

Max Denby:
It's the seperation of church and state, Norm. There would be people who are offended because they don't belong to this particular religion.

Norm Henderson:
What does Christmas have to do with religion?

Max Denby:
It... it... it's the birth of Christ, Norm.

Norm Henderson:
Really? Jesus Christ?

Laurie Freeman:
Did you really think you could hide this from me?

Norm Henderson:
Ah, yeah, kind of. I kind of did. [thinking Laurise had caught him reporting to the tabloid]

Laurie Freeman:
Um huh, well you can't. 'cause you're really great with kids and now everybody knows it.

Norm Henderson:
Oh! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! [realizing he's not been caught] Well, the way I look at it, you know, the way to treat kids is to treat them with respect. I think of them as tiny adults who are stupid.

Norm Henderson:
Listen, Laurie, Hector has something to tell you. Ah, Hector, tell, tell, tell Laurie about your mother.

Hector:
She's dead and I have cancer. [lying to Laurie]

Laurie Freeman:
What? [shocked]

Norm Henderson:
No, no, no, no, no - Hector, the truth.

Hector:
My mother's alive in Cuba; I just wanted to see America. I did not think it would be so bad to lie.

Laurie Freeman:
Hector, why would you do something like that?

Norm Henderson:
Ah, come on now, he just needed a little vacation, you know, from thee, ah... Godless communists. You know?

Laurie Freeman:
Well, I'm gonna have to call Mr. Denby right away. We have got to get you home. [leaving the kitchen]

Hector:
Norm, why did you do this?

Norm Henderson:
Ah, listen, Hector, you know, ahhh, what I told you about lying, it wasn't right; kids should never lie, you know? You got to wait 'till you're an adult, so, so you can do it responsibly.

Laurie Freeman:
So, Hector, are there any questions you've wanted to ask anybody since you've been in the country?

Hector:
Well, there is one thing I've been wondering about...

Laurie Freeman:
Hummm, what's that?

Hector:
Where do babies come from?

Laurie Freeman:
Well, Hector, that's a very good question. Ummm, when a man and a woman love each other, they...

Norm Henderson:
BOOOOO! [towards Laurie] You got to be able to talk to kids in their own laguage there, Laurie. [turns to face Hector after moving closer to him] Ah, let me explain it to you this way, Hector: you see, ah, ah, a man has what's called a, ah, bunny rabbit. And, ah, a woman has a cabbage patch, now! In order to, ah, get a baby, thee bunny rabbit has to hop into thee cabbage patch. Now, sometimes, you know, through no fault of the bunny rabbit, maybe too much to drink, stress, whatever... who knows, you know, maybe thee, ah, maybe he's heard of a bigger bunny rabbit that was in the cabbage patch earlier, whatever it is. The point of it is this: often times the bunny rabbit has to look at explicit photographs before it can even go near the cabbage patch.

Laurie Freeman:
Nor, Norm! I've had sex and you've confused me!

Dad:
Well, I don't know what's happened to this city. Smells so bad in that foreigner's cab I had to cut one just so I could breath.

Laurie Freeman:
Mr. Henderson, one of Norm's problems he's dealing with is he thinks that you don't love him.

Dad:
Fine.

[sarcastically]

Dad:
I love you. You know, you make me sick.

Laurie Freeman:
Oh, Norm, I'm so sorry, I had no idea what y...

Norm Henderson:
[cutting her off] He said it! He said I love you! Didn't you hear him? "I love you" he said!

[completely oblivious]

Dad:
[to his son, Norm] Oh, what's the use? You're always going to be a gutless wonder.

Laurie Freeman:
'cuse me, 'cuse me, Mr. Henderson... [correcting him]

Dad:
Oh, yeah - I love you. [with sarcasm]

Phil:
Let me ask you something, Norm. What do you think happens when you die?

Norm Henderson:
Well, when I was a little boy my parents told me there was this beautiful white light...

Phil:
Good.

Norm Henderson:
And it distracts you just long enough for the demons to steal your soul.

Norm Henderson:
Shelly is interested in me because I did something for you. [leaning back in his chair realizing what's happened] I knew if I did something unselfish, I would get something out of it! [motioning to himself]

Shelly Kilmartin:
Did you really think we could have a long-term relationship based on a lie?

Norm Henderson:
Oh, you bet'cha. [grinning]

Danny Sanchez:
Oh, ah, Mr. Denby! Um, ah, these are the guys I told you about from the Spanish-language newspaper that's doing an interview on me, and, ah, they want to take a picture of me and you shaking hands. [putting a hand out]

Max Denby:
[Denby recoils back, flailing since Danny is sick and he's trying to avoid getting sick] I'm not going to shake your hands, you're, you're stuffed full of germs like a virus pi?ata!

Danny Sanchez:
Please, sir, it's really important.

Max Denby:
No! [then watched the two reporters conversing in Spanish] What's a, what's a matter? What's he saying?

Danny Sanchez:
Ah, well, they're wondering why you won't touch me. They think you harbor resentment against me because I'm an up and coming latino.

Max Denby:
That's not, that's not true. I-I-I touch Hispanics all the time! I, ah-ah - not excessive touching, you know. Just, just when they ask for it. [stuttering and motioning with his hands] Tell 'em, tell 'em, tell them I, I'm not shaking your hands because you got a cold. [motioning to the reporters] El dirto! Ah-ah-ah-ah, sur la mano!

Norm Henderson:
No, no - I think I know a way to get this guy. [referring to Lee, the guy Lurie's been trying to get]

Laurie Freeman:
What do you mean?

Norm Henderson:
Well, ah, let me explain something to you, Lurie, you know, ah: in the animal kingdom the male lion is always interested in the lioness that has another male lion, that way it knows that the lioness is fertile and free of disease

Laurie Freeman:
Ohhhh! [understanding his point]

Norm Henderson:
Yeah. And you are, right?

Laurie Freeman:
Yeah!

Lee:
[having just walked over with some paper work] Hey, ah, Lurie, if you can give me that last total we can get the budget out today.

Norm Henderson:
Ahhh! Lurie, I love ya! [putting his hands on her shoulders] Love ya! Every time I look at you I think: there is a girl, who is clean and can have a baby!

Max Denby:
I'm sorry, I didn't know she was your choice. And I'm not going to cancel my date.

Norm Henderson:
Yeah, well, I'm not going to cancel my date either! You know you have no right to that girl. You-your seed dry and lifeless!

Max Denby:
Do you want to take this outside, tough guy? Do you want to take this outside?

Norm Henderson:
Yeah!

Max Denby:
Well, I didn't bring my sweater! [stis back down]

Max Denby:
Listen, you're gonna loose, Norm Henderson! You're gonna loose because a woman like that appreciates a man with a little experience! A little maturity!

Norm Henderson:
Yeah, well listen, sir! I may not have you lack of hair! I may not have your loose floppy skin! And I may not have your, your difficulty urinating! And...

Max Denby:
What is you - what is your point?

Norm Henderson:
Well, I think I've made my point, sir.

[Reference to "Gone With the Wind"]

Max Denby:
Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.

[Reference to Planet of the Apes]

Norm Henderson:
Get your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty ape!

Stranger:
[reference from "Jerry McGuire"] Show me the money

Max Denby:
My ex-wife's been bleeding me dry. If the workshop's a success, I'll-I'll get a raise. Oh, ah-ah, now that I'm dating again, I-I need a little extra money to s-s-scare up some tail. [walks away from Danny]

Danny Sanchez:
Well, ah, don't worry, sir, any tail you get will already be pretty scared.

Smith:
[after trying to fix Norm's bad back] You know, I got to tell you, Norm, from the way it felt when I was pulling on some stuff there, I think you got a ruptured medial-thing there, or what ever you call it.

Norm Henderson:
Wha-what exactly do they call it?

Smith:
Okay, if you want, I will look it up!

[flips through a thick book]

Smith:
Look, you can see that guy's penis.

[continues flipping pages]

Smith:
Okay, I can't find it, this book is really big.

Kevin Fitzgerald:
Norm, you're a human being - a real person; of course I can buy you. Now, to help you get over Jen, I've made a date for you, with the Playboy triplets. [holding a yellow piece of paper] Here's their phone number. Now you're gonna have to dial those numbers on an actual phone. [with sarcasm] You know, you just can't talk into the piece of paper.

Norm Henderson:
You must think I'm pretty spinless. [tearing the piece of paper up into multiples parts] That I would even consider such a low and vulgar offer such as this, can you hand me that Scotch tape? [taking the tape from Kevin and turning to walk away] You're some piece of work, buddy, I'll tell you that.

Shelly Kilmartin:
Norm, this is why we broke up: you're completely unwilling to look at your life.

Norm Henderson:
Well, ah, so you're saying if I go to these, ah, group therapy things it'll really make a difference to you?

Shelly Kilmartin:
Yes, it would; a big difference.

Norm Henderson:
Really? So, you'd go out with me then?

Shelly Kilmartin:
Well, if you were psychologically more healthy I would definitively consider it.

Norm Henderson:
All right then, I'll go - I'll go to one.

Shelly Kilmartin:
You can't just go once.

Norm Henderson:
Well, how many do I have to go to?

Shelly Kilmartin:
Well, there's not a magic number, Norm, you just go until you're better.

Norm Henderson:
See, that doesn't seem right.

Shelly Kilmartin:
Okay, there are six sessions in the workshop. You have to go to all six.

Norm Henderson:
And, ah, if I go to all six, then what do I get out of it?

Shelly Kilmartin:
Well, ah, if you go to all six I'll, ah, I'll take you to lunch. And you'll be mentally healthy, and you'll have a chance at a happy life.

Norm Henderson:
Well, if I'm mentally healthy and I have a happy life, why would I go to lunch with you?

Max Denby:
[in therapy with Norm] The-the problem with our relationship is, I see it, is this: I-I'm, ah, I'm basically very good man, and he's the bastard spawn of a jackal.

Shelly Kilmartin:
Norm, there is something wrong with you. You have an obsession with picking on Denby.

Norm Henderson:
Huh. You call it an obsession, I call it a committment to excellence.

Laurie Freeman:
Look, do me a favor, would you? Come on. [dragging Norm by an arm] See the nurse sitting over there? Is that a guy or a girl?

Norm Henderson:
Well, ah, Luarie, I think at this point in your love life that's a minor consideration.

Norm Henderson:
Firemen. I can't believe you're attracted to firemen, what a cliche.

Shelly Kilmartin:
You mean a cliche like men are attracted to big-breasted women?

Norm Henderson:
Hey! That's completely different! We don't care what they do for a living.

Shelly Kilmartin:
[after putting on lip gloss to go see some firemen giving a safety demonstration] so, how do I look?

Norm Henderson:
You're asking me how you look so you can go flirt with other men? You've hurt me, Shelly. You've hurt me in a way only sex can heal.

Laurie Freeman:
I'm not like you Norm; you see, you don't consider the consequences of the things that you do.

Norm Henderson:
Well, that's because I don't know what they are until they happen.

Danny Sanchez:
Norm, you're doing community service, ah, she seemd to like you - you should have told her the truth.

Norm Henderson:
Ah, Danny, Danny, Danny, Danny, sweet, innocent naive Danny. Don't you realize the truth is for children and people who don't wanna to have sex? There's only one problem: I got no place to take her 'cause I got no money.

Danny Sanchez:
Oh, you know, you don't have to take her out. You know what women love?

Norm Henderson:
Yes, I know what women love, but I got no patience for that. [waving Danny's presumed idea off]

Danny Sanchez:
No, no, when, when you make them dinner, they thin-they think that's very romantic.

Norm Henderson:
Oh, yeah - that's a good idea. I'll make her dinner. Hey! Do-do women love Lunchables?

Norm Henderson:
[upon seeing Shelly arrive at the party with a date] Oh my, God - she brought a guy. Didn't you tell her not to bring a guy? Even I knew not to bring a guy!

Laurie Freeman:
I'm sorry! I didn't know she was seeing anybody right now. Wow - he's old.

Shelly:
Norm, Laurie, I'd like you to meet Avery. He's the Dean of the English department over at NYU.

Norm Henderson:
Ho, ho, well, it's a very impressive position. I guess that's one of the rewards of out-living all your contemporaries, right?

Shelly:
Okay, look, Norm, I know you're upset because I turned you down, but I hope you're not planning on spending the entire evening taking it out on my date.

Norm Henderson:
Look, it's so obvious what you're doing, you know? Obviously you had some problems with young guys, so you went down to the VFW, and ah, you said, "Hey! You got anybody from World War I here!", I'd like to... [trails off]

Norm Henderson:
[standing in front of a faded-blue background talking to the viewers, with white square that says "TV 14 D" on it] Hi, I thought tonight would be a good time to show you exactly how these ratings work. [another white box with "TV G" appears on screen] For example, I can get this to change [points at it] if I say "Hell". Doesn't even change for Hell. What a world, huh, folks? I guess I have to say something rougher like "ass". [the box changes to "TV PG"] Then it becomes a TV PG. There's also ratings for violence... [picks up a green glass bottle and breaks it over his head; the box changes again to "TV PG V"] And suggestive dialogue. You know what I'm saying, folks? Sugestive? [another change makes it "TV PG VD"] Oh, hey, VD! [it changes to "TV PG VDS"] And that brings us to "S", for sexual situations. Thank you, enjoy the show.

Max Denby:
Norm, I have to talk to you about a very delicate matter...

Norm Henderson:
Oh! Sir, this isn't about your period again, is it, sir? [stands up] Because as I've explained, sir, that's not a curse, it's the full-flowering of your womanhood, you know that!

Max Denby:
It's about Taylor, I-I-I I want you to watch her; I think she may be turning tricks again.

Norm Henderson:
Oh! Oh! Say no more, sir... [pulls out his wallet] What do you need? Two, three-hundred bucks?

Max Denby:
Norm, she's a mess! Norm, oh no, she's a mess! I-I she looks like she's been up all night. I think she may have fallen off the hookerwagon.

Norm Henderson:
Mr. Denby, Mr. Denby, come on now. They haven't called it the hookerwagon in years. PIMPmobiles is what they call it now!

Artie Henderson:
Ahem. All right, everybody. [to the prisoners in the jail cell with Artie, eying him] Just a little warning: before I fly off into one of my violent rages, I sometimes cry like a baby. If, ah, you see me in the corner weaping... [then yells, pointing both fingers] JUST BACK OFF!

Laurie Freeman:
God! The game is still going on?

Norm Henderson:
Quiet! I'm praying!

[Norm yells at Laurie whom has just walked up behind him in the bar as he watches the football game]

Laurie Freeman:
Praying?

Norm Henderson:
Yes, and it's working, all right? I think God just tripped their leading scorer. Now, just quiet.

[puts his hands together to pray]

Norm Henderson:
Dear God, please let there be world peace, and please let there be a cure for cancer, and please let the ducks score

[he says very quickly]

Norm Henderson:
and, ah, the starving children, and, ah...

Laurie Freeman:
You're, you're trying to TRICK God!

Norm Henderson:
SSSHHHHH! I'm sure God can handle himself, all right? I'm sure he went to college.

Moderator:
Oh, I see we have someone new joining us this week. [seeing Norm enter and sit down] Would you like to start first?

Norm Henderson:
Well, I just wanna say, ah, that, ah, I used to think I was better than you people, you know? And then, ah, then somethin' happened to me recently where I realized that I, ah, have a problem, 'cause somethin' I did really hurt my brother, so I just wanna say that, ah, I have an addiction too, and I need help. [sits down, sad]

Tony:
[another man stands up] Hi, my name is Tony and I haven't had sex with a dead person in over two weeks.

Norm Henderson:
[Norm looks around confused, gets up and starts backing away, then sees a sign that reads: "ROOM 212 NECROPHILIACS ANONYMOUS"] Hey, wait a minute - this isn't gambler anonymous, that must be down the hall. [opens the door to leave] I just want to say something. Remember earlier when, ah, I said I wasn't better than you people? Well, I AM! I'm better than you people! And I'm gonna leave, all right? And if I should happen to die in the hallway, just STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME! All right? Keep your hands to yourself!

Danny Sanchez:
Made up a little history about our marriage. I figure that the first thing that attracted me to you was your great smile.

Shelly Kilmartin:
Oh, well thanks, Danny.

Danny Sanchez:
Yeah. And I figure that we, we met at a Star Trek convention. [excited]

Shelly Kilmartin:
Ah. We were there to make fun of all the losers, right? [chuckling]

Danny Sanchez:
Yeah, until we realized they're just regular people with full lives who just happen to know Star Trek was a great show.

Danny Sanchez:
Ah, no, no - you can't just hand in one of those papers.

Norm Henderson:
[flipping through old papers Laurie had written] Well, of course I'm not going to just hand it in. I'm gonna pay some loser two dollars to re-type it. Oh, hey, Danny, listen, you, ah, wa-want to make a couple bucks?

Norm Henderson:
Ah, come on. It's like my wise old grandfather used to say: a friend is only a stranger you've never had sex with.

Shelly Kilmartin:
[right after finishing a game of tennis] Hey, you're pretty good.

Norm Henderson:
You're pretty good yourself.

Shelly Kilmartin:
Listen, if this works out, maybe we can make it a regular thing; I'd love to work on my game.

Norm Henderson:
Ay, enough of your flirting there, Shelly, I come here for one reason: tennis, and tennis only. now I usually warm up with a little intercourse, how about you?

Artie Henderson:
Well, it seems Laur', that I'm a little over weight due to this genetic disorder that makes fried chicken delicious.

Norm Henderson:
I realized something awful about myself tonight.

Laurie Freeman:
What is that?

Norm Henderson:
I can't date young stupid women anymore; God it hurts to say it out loud!

Max Denby:
Danny Sanchez you bastard! You-I just got a call from my ex wife, you put a naughty cartoon about me on that damn internet!

Claire Stackhouse:
You know, you're cute for a guy with scary eyebrows. So, what are you doing the rest of the evening?

Norm Henderson:
Well, ah, ah, I was planning on going to my apartment and drinking myself into a stupor, but, ah, if there's any chance of having sex with you I can wait until after.

Laurie Freeman:
[talking about her younger boyfriend] What are you saying? What do you mean? Is it because Dale is dating me there must be something wrong with him?

Danny Sanchez:
It's just a little weird for a young guy like that to not date women his own age.

Laurie Freeman:
Norm, what do you think? Do you agree with that? I mean, I want your honest opinion.

Norm Henderson:
Well, ah, now, it's not about you, Laurie, but, ah, it's the law of nature; look: a, a young moneky would never hook up with an old monkey because she couldn't bare his seed.

Laurie Freeman:
So, you're calling me a baron old monkey.

Norm Henderson:
In your defense, yes I am.

Laurie Freeman:
[after she realized Norm has screwed her good deed over again] Now, this is a very tricky moral problem. And at times like these, I

[opens a desk drawer and pulls something out]

Laurie Freeman:
I like to turn to the Bible.

[and starts smacking him senseless with it]

Norm Henderson:
Li-listen, Shawn, let me tell you something about women, all right? They are just as afraid of you, as you are of them. No, wait! That's snakes! I'm sorry. Ah, oh-oh, I know what it is: sometimes they spit poison in your eyes - oh, no, that's snakes again! I just saw a cool thing on snakes on the TV there. Huh, what I'm trying to say is, ah, some of them can unhinge their jaws and swallow you whole, and I ain't talkin' about snakes.

Norm Henderson:
[trying to persuade Taylor on Danny] Oh, ah, hey, Taylor, listen, ah, let me tell you something: if I weren't straight, I'd like to get a piece of this. [thumbing rapidly at Danny]

Norm Henderson:
[Danny does cartwheels after Taylor agrees to a date, Norm walks by as he does so] Taylor said "Yes", huh?

Danny Sanchez:
Yes! I can't believe it! She's so far out of my league!

Norm Henderson:
Ah, listen, Danny, I'm getting tired of this talk; let me tell you something: Taylor is lucky to be going out with you!

Danny Sanchez:
What? [surprised]

Norm Henderson:
I can't say that twice with a straight face, buddy.

Norm Henderson:
Let me tell you something, man: for once I'd like to do something really bad and not get punished for it!

Norm Henderson:
Laurie, you got to understand, if somebody asks if you had sex with their sister, you gotta say "No", you know? Especially if you've had sex with their sister.

Laurie Freeman:
Well, great! So, Jamie did it to me again.

Norm Henderson:
Yeah, well, listen Laurie, I'm really sorry.

Laurie Freeman:
I don't know, I just don't get it. What is this thing she has? Why do men fall for it? Is it the skimpy outfits and the way that she just throws herself at guys, or is there some deeper reason that I just don't understand?

Norm Henderson:
No, you understand perfectly; there's no deeper meaning.

Jamie Freeman:
[leaving the welfare office for lunch] Well, this will be fun. I'll be able to tell you about who I've been seeing, and you'll be able to tell me all about your newest cat.

Laurie Freeman:
See, you have this image of me left over from high school, but things are very different for me now, Jamie. I actually have a very healthy social life.

Jamie Freeman:
Oh, really? Seeing anyone serious?

Laurie Freeman:
As a matter of fact I am. I happen to be seeing that man right over there, the one with the bear - [a man with a beard eats a bug he pulled out of his beard] The transve - [then pointing at the transvestite applying lipstick] Norm.

Norm Henderson:
Billy and I were, ah, just, ah, discussing education and what, what studies he might pursue.

Billy:
Correct, Normand. And as with all tough questions I might ask myself just what the Hell would Jesus do?

Max Denby:
No, Edwin, I won't buy you a cadaver!

[walking away from the goth kid he took in]

Laurie Freeman:
Mr. Denby, you look tired.

Max Denby:
Oh course I'm tired; if you'd been up all night holding a rifle, you'd be tired, too!

Laurie Freeman:
What happened?

Max Denby:
Well, Edwin gave me one of his stories to read.

Laurie Freeman:
Well, that's a break through, sir - that's a symbol of trust.

Max Denby:
[looking at the papers Edwin gave him] The story is called "The Horrible Tortue and Underground Death of Mr. Denby".

Laurie Freeman:
Oh, well. No, no, you see Mr. Denby, that, that's creative writing. Young boys that age have a very active fantasy life.

Max Denby:
Yeah, well, here's a little bit of youthful whimsy

[flipping a page]

Max Denby:
Chapter one: I know you're reading this and I'm planning to kill you!

Max Denby:
How can he get a job? The man can't even speak!

Norm Henderson:
Sir, that's heartless of you. It's not our job to, to undermine our client's self confidence like that. It's our job to get him a job and make him somebody else's problem.

Danny Sanchez:
[talking to Taylor whom is watching a soap opera on TV] I don't know how you women watch these things; I mean, the story lines are so preposterous.

Norm Henderson:
Oh, hey, Danny, [reading off a piece of paper] you're crack-addicted hermaphrodite client finally found her biological mother in a Spanish prison. She-she needs to reschedule.

Max Denby:
Hey, Norm, ah, you know, in order to get some respect from everybody around here, I think it would be a very good idea if I could start each morning with ah, ah compliment from you.

Norm Henderson:
All right, sir, well, ah... ah, let me think... [scratches his head] Ah, well, compared to Hitler, sir...

Max Denby:
[cuts him off, waving his hands "no"] Ah! Ah!

Tony DiBenedetto:
Ow! Hey! Look at this guy! [picking up Wiener Dog] Hey, hey! How you doing there little fella? Huh? Hey [to Denby] I hear you hired someone with no thumbs and three-inch legs. I'm glad we're finally hiring the disabled around here. So, ah, where is this courageous mess? [kissing and hugging the dog]

Norm Henderson:
Well, ah, right now you're sexually harrassing him, sir.

Tony DiBenedetto:
The dog? You dumb huckleberry! Don't tell me you hired a god!

Max Denby:
Well, I-I-I-I-I didn't know he was a dog at the time.

Tony DiBenedetto:
Oh, that's funny! I picked up on it right away! [sarcastically]

Max Denby:
Norm! What is your dog doing at work?

Norm Henderson:
Sir, remember when you, ah, told us to keep an eye out for Level I Clarical Assistant?

Max Denby:
Do-do, don't tell me you hired Wiener Dog.

Norm Henderson:
Well, you know, sir, technically you did when you signed this authorization form. Remember? You encouraged us to find somebody with a disability.

Max Denby:
[reads the piece of paper] Applicant has no thumbs, three-inch legs, and speaks absolutely no English. This, this, this, this is atrocious; he's fired, he's fi - get rid of him! Get rid of him now!

Norm Henderson:
Come on, sir, you can't fire Wiener Dog, there. He's a good man.

Max Denby:
Why? Watch me.

Laurie Freeman:
Well, sir, actually sir, as crazy as it sounds, you really can't fire him; if you terminate a worker with no notice, the union automatically files a grievance.

Max Denby:
I-I-I, I can't fire a dog?

Danny Sanchez:
This is great! If we hire a new drug counselor, can I get my hermit crab?

Taylor Clayton:
I have a gold fish I've been trying to get in the government for years. [Danny laughs]

Max Denby:
STOP! STOP all of you!

Laurie Freeman:
Well, I'm afraid it says right here, sir [pointing to a place in a union handbook] before you fire anyone, you have to state the specific problem and then give them two weeks to improve their performance.

Max Denby:
[faces Wiener Dog] Hello, Wiener Dog, I, ah, am sorry to say that I'm unhappy with your job performance; you got two weeks to improve your typing skills and learn to talk!

Jenny:
Money can't buy me happiness.

Mrs. Ford:
That's true, dear, but happiness can't buy you crap.

Norm Henderson:
The hearing is three o'clock, and, ah, don't worry 'cause with the help of a little oxygen you're gonna be as sharp as a tack for that review board. [inhales some oxygen from a mask connected to a tank] Oh, wow! Huh, I just remembered where I left my, ah, Lincoln Logs in fifth grade.

Sal:
[grabs the mask and breaths in] in 1928 I killed a hobo!

Norm Henderson:
You know what I do when a girl breaks up with me, is I pretend that, ah, I never loved her and that I was just using her for the sex. Either that or I pretend, ah, that I'm a superhero and I need to extract fuel from her to help me fly.

Shelly Kilmartin:
How on Earth could Taylor have a crush on you?

Norm Henderson:
What are you talking about? You dated me.

Shelly Kilmartin:
[ponders for a second] How on Earth could I have dated you?

Norm Henderson:
Hey, I'll tell you what, [picks up a bowl of snacks] why don't you have some, ah, snacks here instead of talkin', huh?

Danny Sanchez:
He completely destroeyd my life.

[drinking at the bar after losing Taylor]

Artie Henderson:
Look, Danny, I'm not gonna say it was a miracle you got a chick like Taylor; it was. Not gonna say you're never gonna get another broad like that; you won't. All I'm saying is you got to stay positive!

Danny Sanchez:
Do you know how many things had to go exactly right for me to get Taylor? The same number of accidents that created life on Earth.

Norm Henderson:
Hey! Those weren't accidents. Our Lord God set those things in motion. And I believe that our Lord God is up in Heaven right now trying to find you, ah, another chesty broad, you know?

Norm Henderson:
Look, Shely, it's not all bad news, look! Look! The paper described you as thee 34 year-old Shelly Kilmartin.

Shelly Kilmartin:
I am 34. How old did you think I was?

Norm Henderson:
I... I thought you were, ah, very-pretty years old.

Danny Sanchez:
Aren't you worried about what Mr. Denby is going to do to you?

Norm Henderson:
Well, yeah, of course I am, but, but I'm more worried about Shelly, you know? I mean - I don't want to see her punished, you know? Unless she's getting spanked by another hot broad, you know.

Shelly Kilmartin:
Laurie, I need to ask you and Danny something really important.

Norm Henderson:
Ah, come on Shelly you don't do you high school games here, if you like me, then just tell me directly.

Shelly Kilmartin:
[points at him] Who do I tell if I feel absolutely nothing?

Norm Henderson:
[after five seconds of thinking] Well, I think you should probably tell a doctor.

Councilman Schmutznik:
Okay! The next matter before the committee is the hearing in support of MC-218, the Norm Law.

Norm Henderson:
The Norm Law? [to Denby, whom has suggested that law earlier] Sir, I cannot believe this. You are besmirching the name of many a famous Norm's. why, I believe the great Norm Crosby himself would find this law grossly erogenous

Max Denby:
You're in big trouble, mister! [going through files in a bunch of boxes on Norm he's brought to the hearing] Big trouble! I was up all night working on my speech, all night; takes about two hours. Ah, I left a little time at the end for people to chant your name in anger! [wheeling a some heavy boxes on a dolly to the podium]

Councilman Schmutznik:
First of all, let me apologize for the long wait. All right now! We will now hear from a mister Denby, and then a Norm Henderson, then lastly we will question the Shelly Kilmartin about her alleged negligence. Unfortunately, because we are behind schedule we will have to limit everyone's testimony. Mister Denby, you have thirty seconds.

Max Denby:
[sudden look of shock] Thir'? Wha-what, what? WHAT? [looking at his watch and stuttering heavily] I-I-I, thirty! Un-un-un-un, NO! Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah, I got, I got these files! [lifting the massive paper work] These files! There's, there's so, so, so much! I-I-I-I-I-I [looking at his watch again] N-NOOOOO! AH! NORM! [pointing like a madman for a few seconds with a throbbing forehead vein] BAD! [taking off his glasses and lowering his head in defeat]