The Sopranos

[the dean of a college that Meadow is applying to is asking Tony for a $50,000 donation]

Carmela Soprano:
I think you should pay him, Tony.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
No f***ing way!

Carmela Soprano:
What, your daughter's future isn't worth 50,000 dollars?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
That's not it. That motherf***er's full of sh*t. He's shaking me down.

Carmela Soprano:
No, he's not.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Oh, yeah? Who knows more about extortion, me or you?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
There's an old Italian saying: you f*** up once, you lose two teeth.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
You got any idea what my life would be worth if certain people found out I checked into a laughing academy?

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
Are you still taking the lithium?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Lithium, Prozac. When's it gonna end?

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
We're trying to give a jolt to your system. Give it a... a little kick-start.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Why don't you kick me in the f***in' head?

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
I know what you're going through must be painful.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
This isn't painful. Getting shot is painful. Getting stabbed in the ribs is painful. This sh*t isn't painful. It's empty... dead.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Log off, that "cookies" sh*t makes me nervous!

Corrado Erico 'Uncle Junior' Soprano:
How much White Castle did you have?

Bobby "Bacala" Baccalieri:
I had none. I swear.

Corrado Erico 'Uncle Junior' Soprano:
I can SMELL it.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
You're looking good. Looking better.

Corrado Erico 'Uncle Junior' Soprano:
Tony, if you're gonna lie to me, tell me there's a broad in the car waiting to tongue my balls.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Hey, You want that, it's a phone call away.

[during the executive card game, Matthew Bevilaqua tries to clean up cheese from Silvo Dante, Silvio goes ballistic]

Silvio Dante:
What the f*** are you doing?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Sil, take it easy.

Silvio Dante:
[turns to Tony] I'm losin' my balls over here! This f***ing moron's playing "Hazel".

[turns back to Matthew]

Silvio Dante:
Get the f*** out of here!

Matthew Bevilaqua:
I was just trying to sweep the cheese away...

Silvio Dante:
Why? Why now? Leave it there.

Matthew Bevilaqua:
I don't know. I was just...

Silvio Dante:
What?

[turns the other guys]

Silvio Dante:
Where do you get these f***in' idiots, huh? Where do you get them? He's sweeping the cheese, I'm trying to get...

[turns back to Matthew]

Silvio Dante:
[shouts] Leave the f***ing cheese there, all right? I love f***in' cheese at my feet! I stick motherf***in' provolone in my socks at night, so they smell like your sister's crotch in the morning. Alright? Now leave the f***ing cocksucking cheese where it is! Here, here, here.

[he swipes off the cheese on his plate onto the floor]

Silvio Dante:
Go ahead. Have a good time.

[while playing hearts]

Salvatore "Big P*ssy" Bonpensiro:
I've eaten more queens than Lancelot.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
I wipe my ass with your feelings.

Carmela Soprano:
I would have to get a lawyer, find an apartment, arrange for child support.

Dr. Krakower:
You're not listening. I'm not charging you because I won't take blood money. You can't either. One thing you can never say: You haven't been told.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
A wrong decision is better than indecision.

Silvio Dante:
You're only as good as your last envelope.

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
You didn't go to hell. You went to purgatory, my friend.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Maybe I should tap into my roots, too. My grandmother was half Indian.

Christopher Moltisanti:
Get the f*** out of here.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
No, it's true. She was in the Fakawee tribe.

Christopher Moltisanti:
Oh, yeah?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Yeah. When they used to get lost in the woods, they stopped and said "Where the Fakawee?"

[Christopher is stoned]

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
I called you here, 'cause I got something to tell you. From now on, I'm gonna rely on you more and more, 'cause you're the only one I can fully trust. Sil and Paulie... they're old friends, but you're one thing they're not.

Christopher Moltisanti:
What's that, T?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Blood. You're gonna lead this family into the 21st Century.

Christopher Moltisanti:
Well, Tony, technically we're already in the 21st Century...

[Tony looks at him, confused]

Christopher Moltisanti:
Forget about it. You won't regret this, T.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Listen to me, the only reason I did this is because you're my nephew, and I love you. If it were anybody else, they would've gotten that intervention through the back of their f***ing head.

[a union leader won't go along with one of the Sopranos' schemes. Bobby is sent to fix the situation]

Bobby "Bacala" Baccalieri:
How's it going? You're the head of the union aren't you?

Union Leader:
Yeah, I am. Who are you?

Bobby "Bacala" Baccalieri:
Just a casual observer. You know, I've been following the situation, and I gotta tell you, it doesn't make much sense to me. I mean you recently got an offer, for a lot of money. And, if you don't get paid, you can't feed your family. I presume you got a family. I'm a family man myself, and I gotta tell you I'd rather take two shots to the back of the f***ing head than not be able to feed my family. [makes a gun with his hand and points it to the back of his own head] One... Two... To the back of the head. You think about that.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
If you can quote the rules, then you can obey them.

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
Hey, Sil. You remember your first blowj*b?

Silvio Dante:
Oh, yeah.

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
How long did it take for the guy to come?

Carmine 'Little Carmine' Lupertazzi:
The Soprano family has always been a little pushy.

Carmine Lupertazzi:
Family? They're a glorified crew!

John 'Johnny Sack' Sacrimoni:
Whatever they are, Carmine, they make us a lot of money.

Christopher Moltisanti:
Whatever you do, do not engage Silvio in conversation.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
What f***ing kind of human being am I, if my own mother wants me dead?

Silvio Dante:
Chrissie, I hear you're doing good with the gambling.

Christopher Moltisanti:
You kidding me? With the money I made, I could go work at Denny's for the rest of my life.

Silvio Dante:
Yeah, like they would ever hire you.

[Christopher just got out of drug rehab]

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
So, what step are you at now?

Christopher Moltisanti:
I did all the steps, except for the one where I'm supposed to go around and apologize to all the people I f***ed over when I was using.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
...I think maybe you shouldn't do that one. You know, let sleeping dogs lie.

Christopher Moltisanti:
Yeah, that's what I was thinking.

Juror #9:
So, let's keep in touch. Call me when your grandson is born.

Female Juror:
When he's born, I wouldn't want to be thinking about you.

[about his father]

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
The belt was his favorite child development tool.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
[about his father] He'd been in prison. He was away when I was a little kid. They told me he was in Montana, being a cowboy.

Christopher Moltisanti:
In my thoughts, I use the technique of positive visualization.

Christopher Moltisanti:
So, you won't talk about this to anybody?

Black Thug:
I got the mouth of a statue, nigga.

Salvatore 'Big P*ssy' Bompensiero:
Hey, Sil.

Silvio Dante:
What?

Salvatore 'Big P*ssy' Bompensiero:
"What". I've been gone a long time. Let me hear it.

Silvio Dante:
[imitates Al Pacino] Just when I thought I was out, THEY PULL ME BACK IN!

Silvio Dante:
My daughter got off on this feminist rant. She told me it's demeaning for a girl to be working at the Bing. The fact that these girls make $1500 a week has no bearing with my principessa.

[Three of Tony's capos enter a room angrily]

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
I thought I was the only one Junior could make look like that.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Even a broken clock is right twice a day.

Joanne Moltisanti:
When you find him, I want him to suffer! You hear me, Sil? I want that mother f***er in agony!

Silvio Dante:
Don't worry. We'll do the best we can.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
You know where I was yesterday when you called?... I was outside a whorehouse, while a guy that works for me was inside beating the sh*t out of a guy that owes me money. Broke his arm. Put a bullet in his kneecap.

Dr Jennifer Melfi:
How'd that make you feel?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Wished it was me in there.

Dr Jennifer Melfi:
Giving the beating or taking it?

Carmela Soprano:
I know you better than anybody, Tony, even your friends. Which is probably why you hate me.

Ralphie Cifaretto:
I hate to do it, Artie. But I think I'm gonna pass.

Artie Bucco:
Why not?

Ralphie Cifaretto:
'Cause if you don't pay me back, I ain't gonna be able to hurt ya.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Sil, break it down for 'em. What two business have traditionally been recession-proof since time immemorial?

Silvio Dante:
Certain aspects of show business and our thing.

Tony Soprano:
Is everyone in my life f***in' bananas?

Junior Soprano:
The joint, not like in the old days. F***in' animals in there.

Feech La Manna:
It's all about setting the precedent.

Tony Blundetto:
What do I find in a pork store? A bunch of guys beating their meat.

Tony Blundetto:
It's hard to believe. My cousin in the old man's seat.

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
It's like "Sun-Tuh-Zoo" says: a good leader is benevolent and unconcerned with fame.

Tony Blundetto:
What?

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
"Sun-Tuh-Zoo". He's Chinese Prince prince Matchabelli.

Silvio Dante:
Tzu, Tzu! Sun Tzu, you f***ing ass-kiss!

Tony Soprano:
Oh, poor baby. What do you want, a Whitman's Sampler?

Ralphie Cifaretto:
...and I know I'm the guy who's dating your mom,

Jackie Aprile Jr.:
Dating?

Ralphie Cifaretto:
Don't get f***in' filthy about it.

Christopher Moltisanti:
What do you have to be stressed about? That bar?

Adriana La Cerva:
War, Christopher? The Middle East.

Christopher Moltisanti:
You don't listen to the president? We're gonna mop the floor with the whole f***in' world. The whole world's gonna be under our control. So what are you worked up about?

Feech La Manna:
What's yours is your Pauly, but what ain't, belongs to anybody else.

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
Oh, what do you know about what belongs to who? You been in prison for twenty years.

Feech La Manna:
Which entitles me to earn!

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
Which entitles you to sh*t! In my book, you get points for staying out.

Feech La Manna:
Then it's a good thing, Paulie, that your book doesn't mean oogatz to me!

Christopher:
Fear knocked on the door. Faith answered. There was no one there.

Eugene Pontecorvo:
The only thing I ever found in the street was my first wife.

Mikey Palmice:
Junior Soprano's the new boss and he ain't respectin' old arrangements.

Johnny Sack:
Phil treats nickels like manhole covers.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
It's like taking a sh*t.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
Ok. I actually like to think about it as a childbirth.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Trust me. It's like taking a sh*t.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Look, maybe I am wrong, but you have really changed since the old man died. First, Lorraine Caluzzo. Then you sink this idiot's boat. This not the John I knew.

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
You're late!

Ralph Cifaretto:
Well, at least I can always be on time tomorrow, but you'll be stupid forever.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Vito, you did tell the police you didn't know who did this, right?

Vito Spatafore:
Please. I may be distressed, but I know how to keep my mouth shut.

Ralph Cifaretto:
Unless there's a big tuna sandwich around!

Angelo Garepe:
Rusty, I think he bangs his wife in installments.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Where the f*** have you been? You're late!

Christopher:
Sorry, the highway was jammed with broken heroes on a last-chance power drive.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
End of story.

FBI agent:
We've had every one of Tony Soprano's phones bugged for four years, but the guy says less than Harpo Marx.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
When you're married, you'll understand the importance of fresh produce!

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
It wasn't like it was friggin' Cobain! It was just a little suicidal gesture, that's all.

'Little' Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.:
The fundamental question is, will I be as effective as a boss like my dad was? And I will be, even more so? But until I am, it's going to be hard to verify that I think I'll be more effective.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
[to a friend, about men] Sure. You want someone who's sensitive to your needs, but still decisive enough for the occasional grope in the closet.

Corrado Erico 'Uncle Junior' Soprano:
We go way back to when Moses wore short pants.

Tony Blundetto:
To think, when I got out of the joint, I thought an airbag was Paulie Walnuts!

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
[to Silvio] All due respect, you got no f***in' idea what it's like to be Number One. Every decision you make affects every facet of every other f***in' thing. It's too much to deal with almost. And in the end you're completely alone with it all.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
Let's get back to Pie-O-My, it's sad that you lost something you loved. That being said, it is a horse.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
What the f***'s the matter with you?

Adriana La Cerva:
They broke my f***in' chair.

Livia Soprano:
[at the dinner table talking about AJ's behavior] Oh his father was the same way. I practically LIVED in that vice principal's office.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Could we not?

Livia Soprano:
Oh well you only remember what you want to remember. I must have had another son who stole a car when he was ten years old. [pause] Yeah, he could barely see over the steering wheel.

Adriana La Cerva:
Ralph was asking if Tony was at the club. Why? Is he gonna be?

Christopher:
You don't know what this guy did for me.

Adriana La Cerva:
Yeah I do.

Christopher:
Not just getting my stripes, something I can't talk about. Something that was ruining my whole life and he made it right. For what I owe him, I would follow that man into hell.

Janice Soprano:
[as she's talking with Tony while sucking marrow out of a soup bone] God, I love marrow, just like Ma. Remember Ma with a bone? It sounded like half-price day at a liposuction clinic.

Phil Leotardo:
There are no scraps in my scrapbook.

[repeated line]

Livia Soprano:
I wish the Lord would take me now.

Phil Leotardo:
Let me tell you a couple of three things: Forget Coco, forget Fat Dom who goes over to Jersey and never comes back, forget my brother Billy.

Christopher Moltisanti:
It's an idea, I don't know. Who knows where it f***ing came from? Isaac Newton invented gravity because some a**hole hit him with an apple.

Carmela Soprano:
[after finding A.J. was smoking weed on his confirmation] Get back in there to your guests! Be a good Catholic for fifteen f***ing minutes!

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Cunnilingus and psychiatry brought us to this.

A.J. Soprano:
So, a prick says to another prick...

Carmela Soprano:
[to Tony] See what happens when you swear at the dinner table?

Arnaz:
We ain't saying sh*t until there's an attorney present.

Salvatore 'Big P*ssy' Bonpensiero:
Well, go ahead, make a statement.

[sticks a gun in Arnaz's mouth]

Salvatore 'Big P*ssy' Bonpensiero:
I got f***in' Johnnie Cochran right here for you!

Christopher Moltisanti:
Gimme one good reason I should not jack this truck.

Brendan Filone:
Hey, don't feel bad. It's Junior's own fault. He gives us no choice except to do it again.

Christopher Moltisanti:
Taking that outrageous f***in' tribute?

Brendan Filone:
It's like, not only does he sh*t on our heads, we're supposed to say "Thanks for the hat".

Christopher Moltisanti:
It's not like I'm getting somewheres playing by the rules. F*** Tony.

Mikey Palmice:
Your nephew, what's he... retarded? He likes to play with trucks or something?

Tony Soprano:
Retarded? What if Jerry Lewis heard you talkin' like that?

Mikey Palmice:
No, that's muscular dystrophy, Tone.

Tony Soprano:
It's too bad they don't have a telethon for f***face-itis, huh? They find a cure yet?

Christopher Moltisanti:
What about the dead guy?

Tony Soprano:
You keep prodding him with a stick. You light a candle to St. Anthony. But I think you're f***ed.

[about DVD players]

Tony Soprano:
I hear there's not as many titles available as on laser.

Brendan Filone:
You know, there's more coming, though.

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
My internist told me the picture's not that different from laser either, Tone.

Brendan Filone:
But the sound, way improved.

Tony Soprano:
Good. 'Cause nothing beats popping up some Orville Redenbacher's and listening to "Men in Black".

[Christopher hijacked a truck full of DVD players]

Junior Soprano:
For 21 f***in' years Comley's been putting food on my table, protection money.

Tony Soprano:
Hey, Chris didn't know going in.

Junior Soprano:
Bullshit.

Tony Soprano:
You want my DVD player? You can watch "Grumpy Old Men".

Junior Soprano:
You gonna be a f***in' funny boy too now, huh?

Tony Soprano:
[to Christopher] You leave Comley Trucking and every other f***ing item on this planet that belongs to my uncle Junior, including his hemorrhoid donut, the f*** alone.

Christopher Moltisanti:
You remember that Princess Di? You think the Royal Family, uh, had her whacked?

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
Heh, heh. Last time I take a f***in' limo in Paris.

Christopher Moltisanti:
Like you were ever in Paris, Paulie.

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
I went over for a blow job. Your mother was working the bon-bon concession at the Eiffel Tower. [to Silvio] Sil, did you hear what I told him? Told him "I went over for a blow job. Your mother was working the bon-bon concession at the Eiffel Tower."

[P*ssy and Paulie are in a coffee shop franchise]

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
F***in' Italian people. How did we miss out on this?

Salvatore 'Big P*ssy' Bonpensiero:
What?

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
F***in' expresso, cappuccino. We invented this sh*t and all these other cocksuckers are gettin' rich off it.

Salvatore 'Big P*ssy' Bonpensiero:
Yeah, isn't it amazing?

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
And it's not just the money. It's a pride thing. All our food: pizza, calzone, buffalo moozarell', olive oil. These f***s had nothin'. They ate pootsie before we gave them the gift of our cuisine. But this, this is the worst. This expresso sh*t.

Salvatore 'Big P*ssy' Bonpensiero:
Take it easy.

Joe:
Hey, maybe caught a break here, boss. Shop on Watchung Avenue said some guys brought in a Saturn, these plates, tryin' to unload it for parts.

Salvatore 'Big P*ssy' Bonpensiero:
Are you tellin' everybody this f***in' car's for Tony Soprano and leave it all in one piece?

Joe:
Yeah, sure. It's for the kid's teacher. My guy said that one of those goofballs had a uniform on from, um, Buttf***s.

Salvatore 'Big P*ssy' Bonpensiero:
[looks confused]

Joe:
Whatever, the coffee shop. I guess the guy works there.

Salvatore 'Big P*ssy' Bonpensiero:
Watchung Avenue and what?

Joe:
[hands him the address]

Salvatore 'Big P*ssy' Bonpensiero:
I'm f***in' Rockford over here.

Tony Soprano:
[to Livia's Trinidadian caretaker] Listen, let's get one thing straight. In the hours you're here taking care of my mother, no ganja. OK?

Jackie Aprile:
I may be acting boss while the old man's a guest of the government but I wish somebody would tell my bowels 'cause they don't obey. And the f***in' chemo... Maybe I should name a successor.

Tony Soprano:
This day and age? Who wants the f***in' job?

Christopher Moltisanti:
[to Martin Scorsese] Marty! "Kundun", I liked it!

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
[about Livia] She could need a change in her living situation, be around more people.

Tony Soprano:
Well, we were looking at Green Grove.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
It's a beautiful facility. It's more like a hotel at Cap d'Antibes.

Tony Soprano:
Yeah. But to her it's a nursing home.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
Well, she needs to be made to see the distinction. That in fact, she's embarking on a rewarding chapter. I know seniors who are inspired. And inspiring.

Tony Soprano:
You listen to me now. Before you do any more serious damage to yourself or your grandchildren's inheritance, you're gonna stop living alone, right now.

Livia Soprano:
I'm not going to that nursing home.

Tony Soprano:
Green Grove is a retirement community! And it's more like a hotel at Captain Teeb's!

Livia Soprano:
Who's he?

Tony Soprano:
A captain that owns luxury hotels or something, I don't know. That's not the point. The point is, I talked to Mrs. DiCaprio over there and she says she's got a corner suite available with a woods view. It's available now, but it's gonna go fast.

Livia Soprano:
Of course it's available, somebody died!

Tony Soprano:
Oh, Ma, you gotta stop! You gotta stop with this black poison cloud all the time! 'Cause I can't take it anymore!

Livia Soprano:
Oh, poor you!

Tony Soprano:
You know, I got problems at work, I got problems at home, I got a friend whose been diagnosed with cancer. Most parents would be grateful if their yuppie children put as much thought into this as I did.

Livia Soprano:
I'm not going to that place.

Tony Soprano:
Then I will go to court and I will get a durable power of attorney over you and I will place you there.

Livia Soprano:
Then kill me now. Go on now, go into the ham, and take the carving knife and stab me, here, here, now, please! It would hurt me less than what you just said.

Tony Soprano:
You know, I know seniors that are inspired!

[repeated line]

Silvio Dante:
[imitating Al Pacino] Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!

Brendan Filone:
Yo, money, we said we'd meet out front. You're not even dressed.

Christopher Moltisanti:
I'm taking a pass.

Brendan Filone:
What? It's Italian suits, Christopher!

Christopher Moltisanti:
There was a time in my life when being with the Tony Soprano crew was all I ever dreamed of. So what am I doing?

Brendan Filone:
Come on, it's five fifteen.

Christopher Moltisanti:
Maybe one reason things are so f***ed up in the organization these days is guys running off, not listening to middle management.

Brendan Filone:
F*** Tony. That's a quote.

Christopher Moltisanti:
We have to stick together, why be in a crew? Why be a gangster?

Brendan Filone:
Hey coach? Suck my dick.

Tony Soprano:
You know, you got a reputation for immaturity, and its not gonna be improved by not paying the tributes the acting boss demands of you.

Brendan Filone:
Acting boss my ass Tone. Come on, everybody knows you really run things since Jackie became the "Kemo Sabe."

Brendan Filone:
So my boy at Comley... said there's a truckload of Italian suits.

Christopher Moltisanti:
Those unload fast. Mario'll take the whole load.

Brendan Filone:
He said shipment moves Thursday, six a.m.

Christopher Moltisanti:
Give me one good reason I should not jack this truck!

Brendan Filone:
Hey, don't feel bad, its Junior's own fault. He gives us no choice except to do it again.

Christopher Moltisanti:
Takin' that outrageous f***in' tribute?

Brendan Filone:
It's like not only does he sh*t on our heads, we're supposed to say thanks for the hat.

Christopher Moltisanti:
It's not like I'm gettin' somewhere's playin' by the rules! F*** Tony!

Brendan Filone:
The books are closed... blow me.

Christopher Moltisanti:
No, that's some true sh*t.

Brendan Filone:
Come on, they're not confirmin' any new made guys, how come?

Christopher Moltisanti:
F***in' chaos! Nobody knows whose runnin' things anymore. Guys, they don't even know who to make payments up the ladder to in some cases. I'm talkin' about the year two thousand. The millenium. Where do we go from here?

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
[That retirement community is] more like a hotel at Cap d'Antibes.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
[later repeating it to his mother] It's more like a hotel at Captain Teeb's!

Livia Soprano:
Who's he?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
The Captain owns luxury hotels or something. I don't know! That's not the point!

Christopher Moltisanti:
That's guy a gangster? I'm a gangster! I'm an O.G. Original Gangster not him. F***in' lawn jockey. He's got the fly Hamptons house, Alec Baldwin comes over, Whitney Houston. What do I got? I sit in a f***ing pork store for Christ's sake!

Christopher Moltisanti:
[to Massive Genius] Hesh is the world's sweetest guy. But I've heard his opinions on giving back pieces of Israel. I can only imagine what he's gonna say about this sh*t.

Christopher Moltisanti:
Hey, whose f***in' welfare check you gotta cash to get a burger around here?

Christopher Moltisanti:
Yo, hairnet central, what am I back here? Mark Fuhrman?

Adriana La Cerva:
Chris, would you chill?

Christopher Moltisanti:
It's f***in' discrimination already!

Massive Genius:
Bold men make bold statements.

Christopher Moltisanti:
Why they send you over? I'm lookin' for a burger not converted rice.

Adriana La Cerva:
Oh, Madon'.

Massive Genius:
Your woman looks embarrassed.

Orange J:
We're havin' a party at G's crib. Englewood Cliffs. You interested?

Christopher Moltisanti:
And I get served with black-eyed peas tomorrow? Yo, I know what time it is.

Christopher Moltisanti:
"Rent". F***in' Broadway musicals. I mean we're supposed to get all f***in' weepy-eyed cause they turned off the heat in some guy's loft.

Massive Genius:
[to Hesh] So you bought horses with your royalties. And Little Jimmy's royalties, whatever became of those?

Silvio Dante:
He bought "horse".

Randy Wagner:
What does that do to property values having a gangster living next door?

Dr. Bruce Cusamano:
Are you kidding? Safest block in the neighb. And being a gangster what does it mean anyway?

Randy Wagner:
That's true. Some of the sh*t I see in the boardroom. I don't know if I'd make a distinction.

Barb Wagner:
Oh, will you please. It's not the same thing.

Dr. Bruce Cusamano:
Bugging, bribes. I don't know. Sometimes I think the only thing separating the American business from the mobs is f***in' whackin' somebody.

Jean Cusamano:
Listen to you.

Dr. Bruce Cusamano:
What?

Jean Cusamano:
Whackin'. He hangs around with Tony Soprano for 15 minutes, and it's f***in' this and f***in' that.

Barb Wagner:
We were over there for that fund-raiser. I didn't see any guns anywhere.

Jean Cusamano:
Oh, but that bar with the goombah Murano glass.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
I like Murano glass.

Herman 'Hesh' Rabkin:
[to Massive Genius] You're talking to the wrong white man, my friend. My people were the white man's n*gger when yours were still painting their faces and chasing zebras.

Tony Soprano:
My wife thinks I need to meet new people.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
So?

Tony Soprano:
C'mon, you're Italian, you understand. Guys like me we're brought up to think that Merigan are f***in' bores. The truth is the average white man is no more boring than the millionth conversation over who should have won, Marciano or Ali.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
So am I to understand that you don't consider yourself white?

Tony Soprano:
I don't mean white like Caucasian. I mean a white man like our friend Cusamano. Now he's Italian, but he's Merigan. It's what my old man would have called a Wonder Bread wop. He eats his Sunday gravy out of a jar.

Massive Genius:
[to Chris] You people are alright. "Godfather", I seen that movie two hundred times. "Godfather II" was definitely the sh*t. The third one... A lot of people didn't like it. But I think it was just misunderstood.

Christopher Moltisanti:
What is he, nuts?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Phil has to understand that a punishment has been meted out, and what we are here for, in the end, is to provide, for our sons, our families, the future.

John 'Johnny Sack' Sacrimoni:
He doesn't accept that. His family is smaller by one.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Then, my friend, it's up to you to make him accept that.

John 'Johnny Sack' Sacrimoni:
Me, huh?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Let's talk, John, about the 500-pound elephant in the room, which is that you started this cycle of bloodshed when you whacked that girl Carmine used to f***.

John 'Johnny Sack' Sacrimoni:
Lorraine Caluzzo was not a girl. And what kind of a person bangs his third cousin?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
What are you, the friggin' cardinal? Look, you want to shut down our joint construction projects, eat K-rations, fine. You want Phil to put one into one of my guys, well, that's gonna take you a long way from the rich f*** you always wanted to be.

John 'Johnny Sack' Sacrimoni:
So, what do you suggest?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Whatever his legitimate sorrow is, he's got a price, he wants to provide for his family.

John 'Johnny Sack' Sacrimoni:
And?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Meet his price, and I don't want to hear anything else about it.

John 'Johnny Sack' Sacrimoni:
Oh, you don't?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
I paid enough, John, I paid a lot.

John 'Johnny Sack' Sacrimoni:
Maybe I can sell it. Truth is, we had discussions. I gave him the sports book.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Yeah? Why didn't you mention it before, you cheap f***?

John 'Johnny Sack' Sacrimoni:
Because I don't like it. He's gonna want a consiglieri, and who knows what...

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
All right, all right, let's not go backwards.

John 'Johnny Sack' Sacrimoni:
Those people you run into who want to be the boss. They should know, huh?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
I told you, but you don't listen, you nut.

John 'Johnny Sack' Sacrimoni:
It's nice, talking to you like that again.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
I'm still looking forward to working with you, John.

Phil Leotardo:
We're friends of your son, from Alcoholics Anonymous.

Joanne Moltisanti:
What's your name?

Phil Leotardo:
We're anonymous.

[last lines]

Carmela Soprano:
What happened to you? And your shoes are soaking wet!

[during a VIP poker game]

Alan Ginsberg:
Great tax loophole, those SUVs. Told all my clients, write it off on your business.

David Lee Roth:
I used to be able to write off condoms.

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
[happily] I might be learning disabled!

Feech La Manna:
In my day...

Tony Soprano:
That's another thing. I don't want to hear anymore how it was in your day. From now on, keep your antidotes to local color, like Dinoflow or Maguire sisters. Otherwise, SHUT THE F*** UP!

Parole Officer:
Is that your garage?

Feech La Manna:
Nah. It's where I make my weapons of mass destruction.

Ralph Cifaretto:
[to Jackie Jr] Your father, god rest his soul, had balls the size of an Irish broad's ass.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
[to Chris Moltisanti] You may not love me but you will respect me!

Jackie Aprile Jr.:
[to a bunch of latinos] Now, go find a Taco Bell, before I pop a cap in your ass!

Ralphie Cifaretto:
Now that you're moving back in, are you going to be humping Tony Soprano's daughter on our couch now?

Jackie Aprile Jr.:
F*** her! And Tony with his stay-in-school bullshit...

Ralphie Cifaretto:
Yeah, and he's supposed to break the dean's legs 'cuz you're too lazy to read a f***in' book.

Rosalie Aprile:
It's not just us. The president of the Unites States for crying out loud, look what his wife had to put up with the the blow job and the stained dress.

Angie Bompensiero:
Hillary Clinton? I can't stand that woman.

Rosalie Aprile:
I don't know. Maybe we could all take a page from her book.

Carmela Soprano:
What, to be humiliated in public then walk around smiling all the time? That is so false. I would dig a hole, I would climb into it and I would not come out.

Rosalie Aprile:
All I know is she stuck by him and put up with the bullshit and in the end, what did she do? She set up her own little thing.

Gabriella Dante:
She did. She took all that negative sh*t he gave her and spun it into gold. I give her credit.

Carmela Soprano:
Hm that's true, isn't it?

Carmela Soprano:
She's a role model for all of us.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
All right, spit it out. Whenever I bring her up you get this weird puss and then you ask me, "does she seem happy?" like maybe she's not. Or, "does she remind you of somebody?" with that weird puss on, like you don't like it. "Our mo fo" or whatever the f*** you call our relationship!

[Tony and Carmela are arguing during their joint therapy session]

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
You're both very angry.

Tony Soprano:
Yeah, you must have been at the top of your f***in' class.

[at the hospital, visiting Bryan Spatafore who has been beaten into a coma by Mustang Sally]

Tony Soprano:
All right, obviously you told the cops you don't know who did this?

Vito Spatafore:
I'm upset, but please... I know how to keep my mouth shut.

Ralph Cifaretto:
Unless of course there's a salami sandwich around.

Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri, Sr.:
Ya, f***in' greaseball, ya. C'mon, c'mon. Any more smart remarks?

Petey:
No Mr. Bacala! Please, please! No more!

Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri, Sr.:
[shoots Petey]

Manager:
Leon, take your break at 2.

Kelli Aprile:
Jesus Christ, look at who our father was! My brother wasn't killed by some drug dealer! He was killed by some fat f*** in see-through socks!

Carmela Soprano:
Now, you liked Jackie; so you don't want to believe that he did this to himself. So, like a lot of other people you go around looking for boogey men to blame- boogey men with Italian names.

Jackie Aprile Jr.:
Tony, please, for my father.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
The warranty on his death certificate expired two weeks ago. Your bullshit expired along with it!

[while shopping for a dress for Jackie Aprile Jr.'s funeral, Adriana carelessly divulges several private details to her newfound friend, whom the audience knows is an undercover FBI Agent]

Adriana La Cerva:
Miss? Can you tell me where I can find something more dressy - not 'evening' but muted? The thing is, it's for a funeral.

FBI Agent Deborah Ciccerone/Danielle Ciccolella:
Oh. I'm so sorry.

Adriana La Cerva:
Yeah. The guy was like 22.

FBI Agent Deborah Ciccerone/Danielle Ciccolella:
Car accident?

Adriana La Cerva:
Actually, murder. He was a cousin of mine. Anyway, the last time we went to a funeral, my boyfriend cussed me out over what I wore to his boss's mother's wake. And I said, 'Come on! Do you think Tony even noticed for, like, one minute what I had on?' But he keeps on about everything!

[Meadow reproves her cousin for making careless accusatory comments about how Jackie Jr. died]

Meadow Soprano:
Our dads are in the garbage business, and it's always good for a laugh. And, yeah, they brush up against organised crime. But, do you think they control every slime ball and illegal gun in like a hundred communities? I can't believe you would say this in front of an outsider! Jesus Christ, some loyalty?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
[opens the compact fridge, slams it and gives it a good kicking] I been dreaming of that f***ing lo mein all the way the f*** over here. Now, who came in here and ate my sh*t?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
I work hard all day to pay for this, six thousand square foot house big screen TV food on the table, video games all kinds of scooters and bicycles, Columbia University and for what? to come home to this?

A.J. Soprano:
Sucks to be you [slaps AJ]

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
There's more where that came from! We're starting a new regime around here!

Writing coach:
Welcome. Why don't you tell the group something about yourself?

Christopher Moltisanti:
My name is Chris Maceviti. I work on Wall Street. Not on Wall Street, but you know, stocks.

Writing coach:
You write?

Christopher Moltisanti:
Yeah... I want to write for the movies. "Goodfellas", sh*t like that.

Writing coach:
Any special reason you chose this class?

Christopher Moltisanti:
I didn't. It's a birthday present from my girlfriend. I had some problems with my screenplay so, I bought that book, "how to write a movie in 21 days". That was like a year ago.

Richie Aprile:
[about Janice] We're adults, Tony. And we got history together.

Tony Soprano:
Yeah. Israel and f***in' Palestine.

Richie Aprile:
People change. I was away a long time. I thought a lot about her.

Tony Soprano:
Ten years, you thought about Janice? There are men in the can better looking than my sister.

Carmela Soprano:
Let's just say your uncle has acquired quite a *taste* for her.

Tony Soprano:
Uncle Jun gives head?

Carmela Soprano:
World class.

Tony Soprano:
The old man's whistling through the wheat field?

Carmela Soprano:
Don't be disgusting!

Tony Soprano:
Oh, he's a Bushman of the Kalahari! [laughs]

Carmela Soprano:
[laughs] That's why I don't tell you anything 'cause you don't know when to stop!

Tony Soprano:
Oh my God, if this ever gets out.

Carmela Soprano:
Oh yeah, like you don't do it or any of your friends. Bunch of hypocrites.

Tony Soprano:
Hey, what goes on in this bedroom stays here and you know that.

Carmela Soprano:
Once a year? I can resist the urge to gossip.

[Tony dismisses a Bada Bing girl after Coach Don Hauser declines some VIP treatment]

Tony Soprano:
Brandy, go, uh, sit on a tuffet.

Tony Soprano:
Uncle Jun, how was Boca?

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano:
Wonderful. I don't go down enough.

Carmela Soprano:
That's not what I heard.

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano:
I'm sick and tired of him. Having to make excuses for him all the time.

Mikey Palmice:
It isn't right.

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano:
'Cause he's a f***in' mental weakling.

Mikey Palmice:
I know.

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano:
You don't know sh*t, Mikey! He's seeing a psychiatrist, for Christ's sake. How about that, huh? My nephew is seeing a psychiatrist! Makes me wanna cry.

Mikey Palmice:
No sh*t.

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano:
Indictments being prepared. He's spilling his guts.

Mikey Palmice:
I f***in' knew it.

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano:
No you didn't f***in' know it! I just told you! God knows how much of our family business he airs, if the place is bugged.

Mikey Palmice:
That stuff's not admissible. It's that, uh, that doctor-patient privilege just like us and Melvoin.

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano:
Melvoin's a lawyer. He's in the f***in' ballpark. Suppose this shrink gets scared or something. You remember those two f***in' Escobedo brothers, whoever the f***, in California? They whacked their parents? The shrink was in the f***in' witness chair.

Mikey Palmice:
Sh*t.

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano:
Anthony wants to play games. OK. I taught him games. I taught him how to play baseball.

Mikey Palmice:
You're talking about clipping him?

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano:
Nobody would slap my wrist if I did.

Bobbi Sanfillipo:
Why the big secret?

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano:
About what?

Bobbi Sanfillipo:
Oral sex. What's so terrible about pleasing a woman?

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano:
You always have to talk about everything.

Bobbi Sanfillipo:
Well, I wanna know why.

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano:
It's complicated.

Bobbi Sanfillipo:
Yeah, but why?

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano:
Why? Because they think if you suck p*ssy you'll suck anything.

Bobbi Sanfillipo:
Oh, you're kidding.

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano:
It's a sign of weakness and possibly a sign that you're a finook.

Bobbi Sanfillipo:
[chuckles] A fag? That's ridiculous. How would the two even translate?

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano:
What are ya gonna do? I mean, I don't make the rules.

Tony Soprano:
[drunk] Carmela, I didn't hurt nobody.

[Tony, Junior, Silvio and Mikey are playing golf]

Tony Soprano:
Uncle Jun's into muff.

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano:
What?

Tony Soprano:
Oh, did I say "muff"? I meant "rough".

[sniffs]

Tony Soprano:
What's that smell? Did you guys go to a sushi bar?

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano:
[to Mikey] The f***'s he talkin' about?

Tony Soprano:
I thought you were a baccal? man, Uncle Jun. What are you doin' eatin' sushi?

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano:
You f***in' run off at the mouth, you know that?

Tony Soprano:
[sings] South of the border, down Mexico Way.

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano:
Hey listen, my friend. At least I can deal with my own problems. Unlike some I know.

Tony Soprano:
What's that supposed to mean?

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano:
Take it however you want. Don't bullshit with me.

Silvio Dante:
Hey guys, guys. We're here to play golf or what? C'mon.

Tony Soprano:
[sings] South of the border where the tuna fish play.

Meadow Soprano:
[Upset that Allie almost killed herself over their soccer coach and pissed at him] F*** you!

Coach Donald 'Don' Hauser:
Soprano! Run laps around the goal NOW!

Meadow Soprano:
No f***ing way!

Silvio Dante:
[Really pissed at Meadow and starts towards her] Meadow don't make me tell your dad! Run the laps NOW! [She goes knowing if she crosses Sil she is in deep trouble]

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
You know, there's this Russian woman. She told me something that's very true. She said, only here, in America, do we expect to be happy. I mean this woman, she had a terrible leg disease since she was 9. She was dirt poor. She's getting on with her life. I mean, over here, we come and we b*tch to shrinks. I mean, what the f***?

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
Well, part of that may be true. But, who said that after getting out of the dirt and the poverty, do we have to stop looking for pain and truth?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Pain and truth? Come on, I'm a fat f***ing crook from New Jersey.

Silvio Dante:
[sees Marie coming] Oof, look at this mezza mort'.

Tony Soprano:
Marie Spatafore came to see me. She wants a hundred grand to relocate on account of Vito, Jr. already has his own social worker.

Phil Leotardo:
Patty told me there was doin's. I guess the turd doesn't fall far from the f*ggot's ass

Phil Leotardo:
[talking about Vito Spatafore's son Vito Jr] I guess the turd didn't fall far from the f*ggot's ass.

Phil Leotardo:
[to Vito Jr] What the hell's wrong with you? You look like a Puerto Rican whore. You make me sick.

Tony Soprano:
[about Hesh] Did you see that pissy attitude? Come all the way out here to pick him up. Not to mention, give him his f***in' vig in person. I mean, you believe this f***in' guy?

Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri:
You should tell him to go f*** himself and his 200K. And what's he gonna do about it?

Tony Soprano:
And not pay my debts? Head of the family? How's that gonna look?

Carlo Gervasi:
Who's gonna know? It's like Eddie Valentine.

Tony Soprano:
The guy from Philly? With the polio leg and the built up shoe?

Carlo Gervasi:
Nah, from the f***in' "Twilight Zone". You musta seen that one. He's a small time hood, he gets shot...

Tony Soprano:
Maybe you should start sucking cock instead of watching TV Land 'cause Vito brought in three times what you do on construction! Yeah! And I didn't have this f***in' problem!

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
[Tony is at Dr. Melfi's shortly after having a monetary dispute with Hesh] You got a lot of Jews in your business right?

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
What do you mean?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
This. [surveys her office]. You gotta hand it to 'em. When it comes to money.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
I've found that that's nothing more than an ugly stereotype.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Really? Because I got a friend, you tie a krugerrand to a fishing line, you're gonna land him. [makes a sound emulating a fishing line being reeled in] . Right up on the dock.

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.:
It says, in this book, that Christopher Columbus was a slave trader.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
So, you finally read a book and it's bullshit!

Chief Doug Smith:
I had business in Mannattan anyway.

Artie Bucco:
Oh... not again?

[during sex]

Janice Soprano:
How much money did you make today, slut?

Ralph Cifaretto:
$300.

Janice Soprano:
That's not enough. I'm gonna put you back on the street, b*tch!

Gabriella Dante:
[to Carmela] Really, how dare he? And after all you've done for this parish!

Carmela Soprano:
[resigned] What are you gonna do?

Gabriella Dante:
[after a long pause] Well, I'm going to cut him a new one.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
You know what they say: Revenge is like serving cold cuts.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
I think it's "Revenge is a dish best served cold."

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
What did I say?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
[on Janice's calm discipline after Anger Management classes] Mahatma Gandhi over here. Nice.

Jim "Johhny Cakes" Witowski:
[on the phone] Hello?

Vito Spatafore:
Hi!

Jim "Johhny Cakes" Witowski:
F*** you!

Vito Spatafore:
I know, look...

Jim "Johhny Cakes" Witowski:
Not a word. Not a note. What kind of person are you?

Vito Spatafore:
You're right, I'm sorry.

Jim "Johhny Cakes" Witowski:
You need help. You're seriously f***ed up!

Vito Spatafore:
I got kids, I couldn't live without them.

Jim "Johhny Cakes" Witowski:
Bullshit! It was the f***ing life that you couldn't live without. The gambling, the money, who knows what else!

Vito Spatafore:
You're right. I didn't want to drag you into this pit I'm in.

Jim "Johhny Cakes" Witowski:
Hey, f*** that! Everybody else is stupid to you, aren't they?

Vito Spatafore:
No!

Jim "Johhny Cakes" Witowski:
You can live and throw it down in f***ing Jersey. Everybody kisses your ass!

Vito Spatafore:
I miss you.

Jim "Johhny Cakes" Witowski:
I don't wanna know you! I don't want to hear your voice. Don't ever call me again!

[hangs up]

Vito Spatafore:
[Vito has emerged from hiding after being outed. He approaches Tony in the mall] Tony. Hey

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
What the f***?

Vito Spatafore:
My brother's over there. [Vito points to a man standing in the distance]

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
What's that supposed to mean?

Vito Spatafore:
Nothing. He's just there, that's all.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
You sandbag me? I'll cut your f***ing throat open.

Vito Spatafore:
I'm sorry. I didn't know what else to do. I want back in. Can I sit?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
No, you can't sit.

Vito Spatafore:
It's complicated. I was working things out.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
I'm sure it gets complicated. When you're taking it up your fag ass.

Vito Spatafore:
I'm not a fag. I never was

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Excuse me?

Vito Spatafore:
It was the medication I was on. For my blood pressure. It f***ed with my head, but I'm over that now. I could probably get a letter from my doctor

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
A note from your doctor saying you don't like to suck cock?

A.J. Soprano:
[Talking privately in their garage] What now?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
[Hands AJ a business card] Tomorrow 7am you go to this address and for a Mr. Gaveralo, I just got off the phone with him

A.J. Soprano:
Seven in the morning? For what?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
You'll be working construction

A.J. Soprano:
What?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Ferrying cement in a wheel barrow

A.J. Soprano:
So it's outdoors?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Yeah

A.J. Soprano:
But it's winter time

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
You got a lot of those hooded sweatshirts like those moulinyans wear you watch on MTV you can double up

A.J. Soprano:
Come on this is bullshit

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
[Tony puts his hand on AJ's shoulder and pulls face closer to his face] Every penny you make you keep, we won't charge you any rent and believe me the pay's good it's a union job, I just want to see you do good your my son and I love you

A.J. Soprano:
I'm going to have to leave your friend in a lurch when I go back to school

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
That's ok he deals with that all the time

A.J. Soprano:
I just assume to keep searching online

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
I'm sure you would, but if you're not at that site tomorrow morning, [AJ nods dismissively] I'm going to take away your car and then I'm going to take away your clothes I'm going to take away your room and then I'm going to take away your mother's cooking and pretty soon you'll be out in the f***ing street,

A.J. Soprano:
[Tony uses a football helmet and breaks the wind shield on AJ's SUV] What the hell are you doing?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
It might get a little drafty driving down there tomorrow but I will have this f***ing thing towed out of here and grounded up, look at it, you don't take care of it [Tony puts his hand back on AJ's shoulder] Don't put me to the test

Vito Spatafore:
[to Tony] First off, I'd pay my way back in. I got two hundred grand that goes directly to you personally, no one needs to know. Long term: I know construction is out, I got contacts in Atlantic City, with your support I can set myself up there I'd be close, but not too close.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
[Ignores him and gets up to leave]

Carmela Soprano:
[to AJ] So every time I asked you "how was work?" you say "fine", you were having your own private little joke on me.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
[Tony enters the room] what's going on?

Carmela Soprano:
I went to Blockbuster to rent Cinderella Man, but guess what?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Is it still a classic?

Carmela Soprano:
I found out our son, the liar, was fired three weeks ago

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
From Blockbuster? They have the worst managers over there.

Carmela Soprano:
He was taking promotional items and selling them, stand ups.

A.J. Soprano:
Standees, this whole thing is bullshit, most of that stuff gets thrown out anyway.

Carmela Soprano:
The store's policy was very clear

A.J. Soprano:
Yeah, well maybe I care about the environment did that ever occur to you? "'Wallace and Gromit" that weighed like fifty pounds, how many trees gave their lives for that? It just goes to the dump.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Can I come to a peaceful house one God damn night?

A.J. Soprano:
You always tell me to think like a business man, yet every time I do there's something wrong, I was making money throwing parties in high school that was no good.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
You know what I think, all those days you call in sick, you show up late, you deserve to get canned

Carmela Soprano:
The worst part is: you don't even give a sh*t

A.J. Soprano:
I should give a sh*t about Blockbuster? I can't live on what they pay me anyway.

Carmela Soprano:
Why not? You live at home, we feed you.

A.J. Soprano:
You have a social life but I can't, you have any idea what it costs at a descent club in New York? It's five hundred dollars for a bottle of Cristal, and it's a two bottle minimum.

Carmela Soprano:
You spend a thousand dollars a night on champagne?

A.J. Soprano:
[Lying] no, not every night, barely ever

Meadow Soprano:
Are you in the Mafia?

Tony Soprano:
Am I in the what?

Meadow Soprano:
Whatever you want to call it. Organized crime.

Tony Soprano:
That's total crap, who told you that?

Meadow Soprano:
Dad, I've lived in the house all my life. I've seen the police come with warrants. I've seen you going out at three in the morning.

Tony Soprano:
So you never seen Doc Cusamano going out at three in the morning on a call?

Meadow Soprano:
Did the Cusamano kids ever find $50,000 in krugerrandts and a .45 automatic while they were hunting for Easter eggs?

Tony Soprano:
I'm in the waste management business. Everybody immediately assumes you're mobbed up. It's a stereotype. And it's offensive. And you're the last person I would want to perpetuate it... There is no Mafia.

Meadow Soprano:
Fine.

Tony Soprano:
Alright look, Mead, you're a grown woman, almost. Some of my money comes from illegal gambling and whatnot. How does that make you feel?

Meadow Soprano:
At least you don't keep denying it, like Mom. Kids in school think it's actually kinda neat.

Tony Soprano:
They seen "The Godfather", right?

Meadow Soprano:
Not really. "Casino" we like, Sharon Stone, the 70's clothes, pills...

Tony Soprano:
I'm not asking about those bums. I'm asking about you.

Meadow Soprano:
Sometimes I wish you were like other dads. But then, like... Mr. Scangarelo for example? An advertising executive for big tobacco. Or lawyers? So many dads are full of sh*t.

Tony Soprano:
Oh, and I'm not.

Meadow Soprano:
You finally told the truth about this.

Tony Soprano:
Look, Mead, part of my income comes from legitimate businesses, stock market...

Meadow Soprano:
Look, Dad, please, okay? Don't start mealy-mouthing.

[Christopher calls Tony from a phone booth, while it's raining]

Tony Soprano:
What do you got?

Christopher Moltisanti:
Wet shoes.

Tony Soprano:
You chose this life. You don't want to work in the rain, try for the f***ing Yankees.

Carmela Soprano:
I was thinking about when we watched "Casablanca" last week.

Father Phil Intintola:
That new print is great, huh?

Carmela Soprano:
You know when Bogie says "Of all the lousy gin joints in the world, why did you have to pick mine."? Of all the finook priests in the world, why did I have to get the one who's straight?

Tony Soprano:
[garroting Fred Peters] One thing about us wiseguys, the hustle never ends.

Tony Soprano:
[regarding Father Phil] What you guys do for twelve hours? Play, uh, "Name That Pope"?

Carmela Soprano:
He gave me communion.

Tony Soprano:
Oh, I bet he gave you communion.

Carmela Soprano:
Excuse me?

Tony Soprano:
Well, Carmela, the guy spends the night here with you and all he does is slip you a wafer?

Carmela Soprano:
That's verging on sacrilege.

Tony Soprano:
Oh, I didn't mean to verge.

Tony Soprano:
There was a time, Mead, when the Italian people didn't have a lot of options.

Meadow Soprano:
You mean like Mario Cuomo?

[Tony stares at her]

Meadow Soprano:
Sorry.

Tony Soprano:
You know I put food on the table. My father was in it. My uncle was in it. Maybe I was too lazy to think for myself. To consider myself... A rebel. Maybe being a rebel in my family would have been selling patio furniture on route 22.

Tony Soprano:
[Tony strangles "Fred Peters" with a wire from behind] Good morning rat!

Fred Peters:
[struggling] Who are you? What is this?

Tony Soprano:
Don't make me laugh! You pimp! You f***!

Fred Peters:
Teddy, there must be something we can...

Tony Soprano:
Tony! It's Tony, you f***! You know how much trouble you're in now? You took an oath, and you BROKE it!

Fred Peters:
I could have killed you last night outside the motel. Your daughter was drunk, remember? I was out at the parking lot, I had a gun, but I didn't do it. Because then I told myself [crying for his life] "It's just a coincidence! He's taking his little girl to college!"

Tony Soprano:
Well you know about us wiseguys? The hustle never ends. If you shot me at that motel, your life would have been flushed out on the pisciadood!

Tony Soprano:
Jimmy says "Hello" from hell, you f***! [Tony strangles Fred Peters to death]

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
[when it becomes clear that Don Vittoria, boss of the Naples family, is senile] Ton', you give this guy a golf club, he'll probably try to f*** it.

Carmela Soprano:
You know what the church says about divorce...

Angie Bompensiero:
Oh, *please*! Let the Pope live with him.

Carmela Soprano:
[Angie wants to divorce P*ssy] So, what did the lawyer say?

Angie Bompensiero:
He said I have a good case. We'll file on Tuesday.

Carmela Soprano:
So, you're going to take Monday to think. That's good.

Angie Bompensiero:
Monday's a Jewish holiday.

Christopher Moltisanti:
[talking about Jon Favreau] "Swingers"! He can suck my dick! It swings, too!

Tony Soprano:
Well, when you're married, you'll understand the importance of fresh produce.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
It sounds to me like Anthony Jr. may have stumbled onto existentialism.

Tony Soprano:
F***ing Internet.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
I'm gonna go back in there and be with my guests. Exactly ten minutes, I'm gonna look up, if you're not here i'm gonna assume that you went to look for whatever the f*** it is that's calling you out there. And then I will never see you again. If you are still here, then I'm gonna assume that you have no other desire in the world than to be with me. And your actions will show me that every second of every f***ing day. You understand me? Don't answer me. Take the ten minutes, you think about it.

Carmela Soprano:
Act like a good Catholic for fifteen f***ing minutes. Is that so much to ask?

Christopher Moltisanti:
[Telling and Amy and Jon a story] This made guy has the most discriminating eye when it comes to T&A, so his at a club one night and there's girls all over him and one of them has a really nice body and she's horny as hell, so they step outside and walk over to a playground and starts blowing him on the swing set. When he's about shoot his load, he starts feeling inside her skirt and reaches in and grabs a hold of a God damn "prick".

Ariel:
You ever heard of the Masada? For two years, 900 Jews held their own against 15,000 Roman soldiers. They chose death before enslavement. The Romans? Where are they now?

Tony Soprano:
You're looking at them, a**hole.

Mr. Teittleman:
Do you have a daughter, Mr. Soprano?

Tony Soprano:
Yes. Call me Tony.

Mr. Teittleman:
What would you do if your daughter was abused by her husband?

Tony Soprano:
I'd talk to him.

Silvio Dante:
Yeah, in "Ball Peen Hammer".

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
[about Jackie's condition] From what you're telling me it doesn't sound very good.

Tony Soprano:
From what I'm telling you? Well, what the f*** do I know? I'm not a doctor.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
You're angry. Who with?

Tony Soprano:
Let me tell you something. This man has had chemo every day for three f***in' weeks and he still has every last hair on his head. Every last hair on his head and he's got a beautiful head of hair. So don't tell me about how it sounds because you don't know him and you don't know me and you don't know what the f*** you're talkin' about!

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
What's happening is we're getting closer to your confronting your true feelings about what's really going on here.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
Wait a minute, wait a minute. I just told you my true feelings. So why don't you tell me what's really goin' on.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
The tree in the painting rotted out, you said. There's nothing in that picture to indicate that.

Tony Soprano:
The f***ing painting. I knew that painting was a scam. I knew that painting was a f***in' scam!

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
You remember your dream? The ducks? It took on another meaning. What happens to a tree that's rotted out?

Tony Soprano:
Trees, ducks. What the f*** are you, Ranger Rick? I'll tell you, some job you shrinks got! You think everybody is lying to you while you're pulling scams on them! F*** you!

[walks out]

Livia Soprano:
So what's really on your mind, Corrado?

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano:
This Christopher Moltisanti.

Livia Soprano:
Christopher! What about him?

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano:
Him and his little, uh, friend. They're slappin' me in the face and they're hiding behind Tony.

Livia Soprano:
Well, Tony always loved Christopher like a son. And so do I, Junior. He put up my storm windows for me one year.

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano:
[frustrated] Good. But what do I do? I just let him and this Filone kid piss on me in public? And how far do I go before I light a friggin' match under that hot-headed son of yours?

Livia Soprano:
Maybe Christopher could use a little talking to. You know. The other one? Filone?

[shrugs]

Livia Soprano:
I don't know.

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano:
You have a lot of sense for an old gal.

Livia Soprano:
No, I'm a babbling idiot. That's why my son put me in a nursing home.

[Tony calls Hesh]

Hesh Rabkin:
Yeah.

Tony Soprano:
I'm here with my non-shellfish eatin' friend. I gotta tell you somethin', I'm tapped out. This guy won't listen to reason.

Hesh Rabkin:
Didn't I tell you, huh? Didn't I warn you to keep away from those fanatics?

Tony Soprano:
He's leaving me no options. This guy's willing to go down with the ship like no man I've ever seen.

Hesh Rabkin:
Here's a thought... Maybe he's willing to go to the world to come, but if he's stuck here on this earth, I know one thing that no man wants to go through life without.

Tony Soprano:
What? Oh. That's a f***in' brilliant idea.

Hesh Rabkin:
Make like a mohel, huh? Finish his bris.

Tony Soprano:
Yeah.

[hangs up]

Tony Soprano:
Paulie! Get the bolt cutters from out of the trunk! Ariel, we're goin' to Plan B.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
How are things?

Tony Soprano:
Good. I had a real good week. Friend of mine's in the hospital. That's never pleasant, but... Otherwise I'm having a good week.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
What's he in for?

Tony Soprano:
First they thought it was an ulcer. You know, then this and that.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
You worried about him?

Tony Soprano:
Jackie? Jackie's so f***ing mean, he'll scare that cancer away.

Mikey Palmice:
I think you shoulda taken care of this Christopher Moltisanti thing the minute it first happened. You shoulda sent a clear-cut signal so they know you f*** with Junior Soprano...

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano:
Take it easy! We're not making a western here.

Ariel:
See, I sweated blood into this place and he owes me. And, uh, I intend to get what's mine. So please, don't embarrass yourself any further. Just leave.

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
I'm not embarrassed. [to Silvio] You embarrassed?

Silvio Dante:
[shakes head]

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
[slams Ariel's head against the front desk] Listen to me, you weirdo f***! You give Shlomo whatever the f*** he wants and you forget this 50% sh*t. You got nothin' comin' to ya. Nothin'! You understand me? Nothin'!

Ariel:
F*** you!

Silvio Dante:
Bupkis. Say "bupkis", Paulie.

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
What?

Silvio Dante:
That's how they say "nothin'".

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
[grabs desk bell] F*** that. This is how I say nothin'. [bangs the bell against Ariel's head repeatedly] How's that for nothin'? [continues banging]

Mikey Palmice:
[points a gun at Brendan's head] Hijack. Bye, Jack. [shoots him in the eye]

Brendan Filone:
Kids, you think you can protect 'em, well you can't.

Corrado Erico 'Uncle Junior' Soprano:
Did you hear the one about the Chinese Godfather? He makes you an offer you can't understand.

Livia Soprano:
[appalled at watching Emeril Lagasse at a cooking show] He's not even washing his hands!

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
If I were you, I would seriously consider salads!

[Leaves]

Bobby "Bacala" Baccalieri:
Why won't you take a look in a mirror, you insensitive f***!

Bobby "Bacala" Baccalieri:
To the victor goes the spoils!

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Now, get the f*** outta here before I shoved that quotation book up your fat f***ing ass!

Protester:
We want to talk to your foreman.

Christopher Moltisanti:
You want to talk to the foreskin?

Protester:
You're a wise- ass motherf***er.

Christopher Moltisanti:
Well keep your mother off the streets then I won't f*** her.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Jesus Christ, you scared the sh*t out of me!

Reverend James Sr.:
Jesus ain't got nothing to do with it.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
That must have been devastating.

Tony Soprano:
No, it turned out it was no big deal.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
To see your father handcuffed, being led away by the police.

Tony Soprano:
At the time I thought my head was gonna explode. He looked... helpless. When I got home my mother had a different perspective, which made me feel better.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
So in her pain she reached out to you.

Tony Soprano:
That's one way to put it.

[cut to a scene of Tony's youth]

Young Livia Soprano:
Your father may not be home for dinner tonight. Go wash up.

Young Tony Soprano:
I know.

Young Livia Soprano:
What do you know?

Young Tony Soprano:
I saw him getting arrested. What did he do?

Young Livia Soprano:
He didn't do anything. They just pick on the Italians.

Tony Soprano:
Maybe this was his chance to get out. I know Dad was no choir boy, but maybe with a little bit of support...

Livia Soprano:
Oh, Mr. Sensitive now. Well, if it bothers you, maybe you better talk to a psychiatrist. [walks away]

Tony Soprano:
Whoa, what are you talkin' about, a psychiatrist?

Livia Soprano:
Well, that's what people do when they're lookin' for somebody to blame for their life, isn't it?

Tony Soprano:
You're a real stone player, aren't you, Ma? You threatened to smother his children.

Livia Soprano:
What does that mean?

Tony Soprano:
You know, everyone thought Dad was the ruthless one. But I gotta hand it to you. If you'd been born after those feminists, you woulda been the real gangster.

Livia Soprano:
I don't know what you're talking about! [walks away]

Tony Soprano:
But I'll tell ya somethin', I was proud to be Johnny Soprano's kid. When he beat the sh*t outta that guy, I went to the class, I told them how tough my father was.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
Do you think that's how your son feels about you?

Tony Soprano:
Yeah, probably. And I'm glad. I'm glad if he's proud of me. But that's the bind I'm in 'cause I don't want him to *be* like me.

Tony Soprano:
What about P*ssy?

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
[looks confused]

Tony Soprano:
He's an acquaintance of mine.

Johnny Boy Soprano:
After Rocco gets the book up, he's gonna open a new supper club. He wants me to run it.

Young Livia Soprano:
A supper club? Are you drunk?

Johnny Boy Soprano:
Oh, bella Madonna, Jesus Christ Almighty! [hits the wall] F***ing albacore around my neck! Every time I try to do somethin'! Me and the kids will go without ya!

Young Livia Soprano:
They are not going anywhere! I'd rather smother them with a pillow than take them to Nevada!

Johnny Boy Soprano:
Always with the drama!

Peter Galani:
He often has difficulty waiting his turn, is often quote unquote, "on the go" or acts if driven by a motor. Often interrupts or intrudes on others. And often fidgets with hands or feet.

Tony Soprano:
He fidgets with hands or feet?

Peter Galani:
That's right.

Tony Soprano:
You mean, like, he fidgets?

Peter Galani:
Uh-huh.

Tony Soprano:
And that's a sickness, to fidget?

Peter Galani:
Mr. Soprano, it's one of nine possible symptoms.

Tony Soprano:
What constitutes a fidget?

Carmela Soprano:
Tony...

Tony Soprano:
No, no, what constitutes a fidget? I mean, so what if he fidgets? He's in school. Who doesn't fidget in school? And he doesn't wait his turn? The kid's in puberty, he gets a hard-on every ten minutes, for chrissake.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
She was very high strung, my mother. Very dramatic. Every night to her was a night at the opera.

[cut to a scene of Tony's youth]

Livia Soprano:
[to Tony] I could stick this fork in your eye!

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
Genetic predispositions are only that: predispositions. It's not a destiny written in stone. People have choices.

Tony Soprano:
She finally offers an opinion!

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
You think that everything that happens is preordained? You don't think that human beings possess free will?

Tony Soprano:
How come I'm not making freakin' pots in Peru? You're born to this sh*t. You are what you are.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
Within that, there is a range of choices. This is America!

Tony Soprano:
Right... America.

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
You're a wormy cocksucker, you know that?

Dr. Elliott Kupferberg:
Jennifer, civilization...

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
Oh, don't worry, I won't break the social compact. But that's not saying... there isn't a certain satisfaction in knowing that I could have that a**hole squashed like a bug... if I wanted!

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
Ginny Sacrimoni, what she needs is her own zip code.

Gigi Cestone:
Jersey's a small state. She moves in, she could tip it over.

Furio Giunta:
I like a woman you can grab onto something.

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
You grab onto Ginny Sacrimoni, your f***in' hands will disappear!

Silvio Dante:
She's so fat, her blood type is Ragu.

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
She's so fat, she goes campin', the bears have to hide their food.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
When Ginny hauls ass, she's gotta make two trips.

Gigi Cestone:
Two guys could f*** her at the same time, and *still* never meet!

Ralph Cifaretto:
I oughta stick a shiskabbab up your ass!

Tony Soprano:
Did you ever know anybody that ever committed suicide?

Janice Soprano:
Uhmm, plenty! I used to live in Seattle, Tony!

Christopher Moltisanti:
So, you're telling me you didn't take cash from Jilly Ruffalo, to kill my father?

Detective Lieutenant Barry Haydu:
I never even heard of Jilly Ruffalo.

Christopher Moltisanti:
[points a gun at him] Oh, really?

Detective Lieutenant Barry Haydu:
Look, whoever told you this, is setting you up. He's lying.

Christopher Moltisanti:
Well, either way, it wouldn't make any difference.

Detective Lieutenant Barry Haydu:
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, IT WON'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE?

Christopher Moltisanti:
Because, he wants you dead.

Christopher Moltisanti:
Of course Tony can count on me! When the f*** have I not been there for him 100%? [shoots heroin into his foot]

Adriana La Cerva:
Is Tony still actin' all mean?

Christopher Moltisanti:
F***in' a**hole. Ever since I questioned his judgment on some Ralphie/Jackie Jr. problem. Like he's f***in' infallible, pope Tony the 23rd or some sh*t.

Carmine Lupertazzi:
One other thing though. John told me he went to a cookout at your house.

Tony Soprano:
Yeah.

Carmine Lupertazzi:
A don doesn't wears shorts.

Bobby "Bacala" Baccalieri:
Mom started going downhill after the World Trade Center. You know Quasimodo predicted all this.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Who did what?

Bobby "Bacala" Baccalieri:
All these problems - the Middle East, the end of the world.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Nostradamus. Quasimodo's the Hunchback of Notre Dame.

Bobby "Bacala" Baccalieri:
Oh right. Notre Damus.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Nostradamus, and Notre Dame. Two different things completely.

Bobby "Bacala" Baccalieri:
It's interesting though, they'd be so similar, isn't it?" And I always thought okay, Hunchback of Notre Dame. You also got your quarterback and halfback of Notre Dame.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
One's a f***ing cathedral.

Bobby "Bacala" Baccalieri:
Obviously. I know, I'm just saying. It's interesting, the coincidence. What you're gonna tell me you never pondered that? The back thing with Notre Dame?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
No!

[Tony complains to his assembled captains who aren't bringing in more and more money]

Tony Soprano:
And I don't want to hear about the freaking economy either! I don't want to hear it. Sil, break it down for them. What two businesses have traditionally been recession proof since time immemorial?

Silvio Dante:
Certain aspects of show business...and our thing.

Tony Soprano:
Now that's it. That's all I've gotta say. Frankly, I'm depressed and ashamed.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
I want to know why there's zero growth in this family's receipts. Where's the f***ing money?! You're supposed to be earners. That's why you've got the top-tiered positions. So I want each one of you to go out to your people on the street, crack some f***ing heads, making some f***ing earnings out there!

Tony Soprano:
[to Christopher and Eugene] Once you're into this family, there's no getting out.

Adriana La Cerva:
I love you Christopher.

Christopher Moltisanti:
[while shaving] You better!

Meadow Soprano:
[on the phone] Is dad there?

Carmela Soprano:
He's out back by the grill.

Meadow Soprano:
Burning a cross?

Johnny Boy Soprano:
[after Tony witnessed his father cutting someone's thumb with a cleaver] What you seen today Anthony, a very sad thing. [stern] You disobeyed your old man, and I oughta give you the belt. But I gotta say... a lot of boys your age would have run like a little girl. [glad] But you stayed. I know you like Mr. Satriale, we all do, he's a lovely man, the man is a gambler. He got over in his debt, he owed me money and he refused to pay. He avoided me. That's why you... should never gamble Anthony. What was I supposed to do? That's my livelihood, that's how I put food on the table. You should never gamble Anthony!

Young Livia Soprano:
[from the kitchen] Johnny, dinner's ready! Anthony! Janice turn that off!

Johnny Boy Soprano:
Let this be a lesson to you. A man, honors his debts!

Tony Soprano:
[to Christopher and Eugene during their making ceremony] you know why we're here, if you have any or reservations now is the time to say so, no one will think less of you this family comes before anything else EVERYTHING before your wife and your children and your mother and your father it's a thing of honor and God forbid you get sick and something happens to you and you can't earn we'll take care of you because that's part of it

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
If you have a problem you just have to let somebody know [turns to tony this man right here] his like your father it doesn't matter if it's somebody here or the outside you bring it to him and he'll solve it for you

Tony Soprano:
You stay within the family, give me your hand [tony takes a needle from Paulie and pricks a finger from Christopher and Eugene] that's St. Peter, my family's saint as that card burns so may your soul burn in hell if you betray your friends in your family [puts the burning St. Peter card in Christopher and Eugene's hands] now rub your hands like this and repeat after me: May I burn in hell if I betray my friends

Christopher Moltisanti:
May I burn in hell if I betray my friends

Eugene Pontecorvo:
May I burn in hell if I betray my friends

Tony Soprano:
Congratulations [everyone applauses]

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
[Advising Christopher] You're a "made guy" now, it's your turn to make a little extra money and I get to relax a little. Your only problem in life, is that you give me ten points of your take, every settle up day, other than that you've got no problem. My problem is I've got to kick up my points to Tony and on we go with "this "thing of ours". But, ten points, that can be a lot or a little. It all depends on you and how much business you bring in. When you think of all the headaches most people go through in life, ours is all boiled down to one. Not a bad deal right?

[Matt is tied down and has just finished being interrogated by Tony]

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
See if we got something to drink. So what can I get you? You want a Fanta, something like that?

[Matt takes a sip]

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
How is that? I mean, you sure you want a diet drink? You don't want something with some sugar in it?

Salvatore "Big P*ssy" Bonpensiro:
There's only diet.

Matthew Bevilaqua:
It's good.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
You finished?

Matthew Bevilaqua:
Thank you, T.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
'Cause that sugarless motherf***er, it's the last f***ing drink you're ever gonna have!

[shoots him]

Christopher Moltisanti:
I'm going to hell, T.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
You're not going anywheres but home.

Christopher Moltisanti:
I crossed over to the other side.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
You what?

Christopher Moltisanti:
I saw the tunnel. And the white light. I saw my father in hell.

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
Get the f*** outta here!

Christopher Moltisanti:
And the bouncer said that I'd be there, too, when my time comes.

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
What bouncer?

Christopher Moltisanti:
The Emerald Piper. That's our hell. It's an Irish bar where it's St. Patrick's Day every day forever.

Carmela Soprano:
[in prayer for Christopher's life] Gentle and merciful Lord Jesus, I want to speak to you now with an open heart, with an honest heart. Tonight I ask you to take my sins and the sins of my family into your merciful heart. We have chosen this life in full awareness of the consequences of our sins. I know that Christopher's life is in your hands... and his fate is your will. I ask you humbly to spare him. And if it is your will to spare him, I ask that you deliver him from blindness and grant him vision. And through this vision may he see your love... and gain the strength to carry on in service to your mercy. In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

[Christopher has been shot; one of the two hitmen is still at large]

Joanne Moltisanti:
When you find him, I want him to suffer. You hear me, Sil? I want that motherf***er in agony!

Silvio Dante:
Don't worry, we'll do the best we can.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Excuse me, let me tell you something... When America opened up the floodgates and let all us Italians in, what do you think they were doing it for? 'Cause they were trying to save us from poverty? No, they did it because they needed us. They needed us to build their cities and dig their subways, and to make them richer. The Carnegies and The Rockerfellers: they needed worker bees and there we were. But some of us didn't want to swarm around their hive and lose who we were. We wanted to stay Italian and preserve the things that meant something to us: honor and family and loyalty... and some of us wanted a piece of the action. Now we weren't educated like the Americans, but we had the BALLS to take what we wanted! And those other folks, those other... the, the JP Morgans, they were crooks and killers too, but that was the business right? The American Way.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
That might all be true, but what do poor Itailian immigrants have to do with you and what happens every morning you step out of bed?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
What the f*** is this all of a sudden?

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
I'm just asking a question.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Oh, so YOU'RE taking a stand now, huh? You pick HERE to make a stand? After all this time telling me that nothing's my fault, because of poor parenting. You pick now to act like Betsy "F***in'" Ross! When my nephew is in the f***in' hospital! He might not get out!

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Excuse me, but let me tell you something, when America opened the flood gates and let all of us Italians in, what do you think they were doing that for? Because they were trying to save us from poverty? No they did it because they need us, they needed us to build their cities, dig their subways and it made them richer the Carnegies, the Rockefellers, they needed the worker bees, then there we were, but some all us didn't want to swarm around the hive and lose who we were, we wanted to stay Italian and preserve the things that meant something to us, honor, and family, and loyalty.

[about Christopher]

Richie Aprile:
The attitude on that camel-nose f***. He ever lays his hand on my niece again I'm gonna tear him apart piece by piece.

Matthew Bevilaqua:
Camel nose! You can't make that sh*t up.

Richie Aprile:
What the f*** are you talking about? I just did. Did you ever notice he's the only motherf***er who can smoke a cigarette in the rain with his hands tied behind his back? That nose is like a natural canopy.

Christopher Moltisanti:
Adriana, I want you to marry me. I got you a ring, and everything...

[shows her the ring]

Liz La Cerva:
There was a robbery at Tiffany's, this morning! I bet you there's pieces of broken glass in it!

Richie Aprile:
If there's ever anything you can do for me, let me know.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
In a few weeks, we're gonna be opening up the books, again. I'm gonna propose you for membership. Congratulations.

Christopher Moltisanti:
I earned it, too. Got no spleen, Gene.

Salvatore 'Big P*ssy' Bompensiero:
We got any good tequila? You know that acupuncturist down in Puerto Rico? 26... Tell you, this broad, her ass was the second coming. Never wore panties. Brushed her teeth with this sh*t. Every night she'd drink me under the f***ing table. And I'd eat her out when I was down there.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Hey, Puss. Did she even really exist?

Meadow Soprano:
My friends don't judge me. And f*** them if they do, I'll cut them off.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
[referring to his mother]... They won't have her back at Green Grove.

Barbara Soprano Giglione:
Tony...

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
She was abusive to the staff!

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Why are you making me do this, you fat, f***ing, miserable piece of sh*t?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
[Tony is having a fever dream where P*ssy is a fish on ice at a food market] How much you weigh?

Salvatore 'Big P*ssy' Bompensiero:
Eight pounds.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Lost a lot of weight!

Salvatore 'Big P*ssy' Bompensiero:
Swimmin'! The best exercise. Works every muscle group.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Get the f*** outta here! You never exercised once in your life!

Salvatore 'Big P*ssy' Bompensiero:
Anyway, $4 a pound. [pause] You know I've been working with the government, right, Ton'?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Don't say it.

Salvatore 'Big P*ssy' Bompensiero:
C'mon, Ton'. Sooner or later, you gotta face facts.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
I don't want to hear it.

Salvatore 'Big P*ssy' Bompensiero:
Well you're *gonna* hear it.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
[dejectedly] F***.

Salvatore 'Big P*ssy' Bompensiero:
You passed me over for promotion, Ton'. You knew.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
How much sh*t you give 'em?

Salvatore 'Big P*ssy' Bompensiero:
A lot.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Jesus, Puss. [pause] F*** of a way for it all to end, huh?

Salvatore 'Big P*ssy' Bompensiero:
Yeah.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Yeah.

Salvatore 'Big P*ssy' Bompensiero:
[referring to the fish lying next to him] These guys, on either side of me... they're asleep.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Don't say that! Not f***in' funny! [angrily turns over the table and knocks all the fish to the ground]

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Oh F**k it's the chicken Vindaloo [Carmela walks out of the bedroom] F*****g m***********g Wogs!

Tony Soprano:
[about Janice] She's lucky she isn't here or I'd be bouncing her f***ing head against the wall!

Tony Soprano:
Grandpa... did he ever work for somebody named Trillo, owned a lumber yard?

Junior Soprano:
My father was a master stone mason. He never cut f***ing wood.

Silvio Dante:
[Referring to Ralph] He said, "another time Anthony"

Tony Soprano:
Cock sucker turns his back on the boss?

Silvio Dante:
That, I couldn't believe

Tony Soprano:
His lucky I didn't put one in his head

Silvio Dante:
Don't be surprised if Paulie pops up the question, Raphine's star is rising, no one can handle all those unions, Pauline can't come up with that kind of cash for us

Tony Soprano:
Ralph's a good earner

Silvio Dante:
A guy like that, a loose cannon, if he'd be leaving your house he'd pull a "Jack Ruby" on you

Tony Soprano:
I want to punch this f***ing a**hole

Silvio Dante:
Frankly I was a little surprised

Tony Soprano:
Oh, you're going to start with me now? He disrespected The Bing

Silvio Dante:
So? His barred from the place

Tony Soprano:
He bashed that poor girl's brains in

Silvio Dante:
I hear you, I know, it was a tragedy, the fact is: she was not related to you by blood or marriage, she was not your comare, Ralph's a made guy, with all things considered his not a legitimate beef, make him disappear or make nice, you only got two choices I was suggesting in some way of an apology

Tony Soprano:
Absolutely f***ing not

Silvio Dante:
Do something public to show that there's no bad blood

Ralph Cifaretto:
[Apologizing to Tony while Christopher and Paulie stand guard] at Nuovo Vesuvio I was doing a lot of coke, I said somethings and I did somethings that I'm sorry for its not going to happen again. I'm sorry Tony, OK?

Janice Soprano:
Why Didnt you call 911?

Corrado Erico 'Uncle Junior' Soprano:
With what, my f***ing toes?

Tony Soprano:
[to Richie Aprile] Don't give me your f***ing Manson lamps. Just f***ing stop it. Understand?

Tony Soprano:
Okay. I need to tell you something and I want you to hear it from me, not from some a**hole on the street. About four, five months ago I started seeing a psychiatrist. I was passing out, and they couldn't find nothing. She's been helping me with that... Okay, c'mon, give it to me. Give it to my face. C'mon.

Silvio Dante:
Well, I'm sure you did it with complete discretion. And speaking for P*ssy, if he's still alive, I'm sure he would agree.

Tony Soprano:
Business was not discussed, no names were mentioned. Junior knows. He's decided to use it against me. Ask now. 'Cause we're not discussing this again.

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
It's not the worst thing I ever heard. I was seeing a therapist myself about a year ago. I had some issues. Enough said. I learned some coping skills.

Silvio Dante:
Look, this thing of ours, the way it's going, it'd be better if we could admit to each other these painful, stressful times. But it'll never f***ing happen.

Tony Soprano:
What about you? You got a problem with this?

Christopher Moltisanti:
It's like marriage counseling?

Tony Soprano:
Yeah. Like that. Sort of, yeah.

Tony Soprano:
I didn't touch your place, Artie. I swear on my mother.

[Paulie and Christopher chase Mikey into the woods, until he finally twists his ankle and falls]

Mikey Palmice:
Please, please, come on! No!

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
F***in' poison ivy all over me.

Christopher Moltisanti:
My friend Brendan, you shot him in the bathtub, naked. No chance to run.

Mikey Palmice:
I swear to god, it wasn't me! It was Junior! He f***ing hated that kid!

Christopher Moltisanti:
Yeah, right. It was Junior. Mr. Magoo!

U.S. Attorney:
You prefer Corrado or Junior?

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano:
I prefer Mr. Soprano.

U.S. Attorney:
Your tenure as boss was a short one. Actually, it was unusual in several ways. Let me put this to you as simply as I can. You can avoid sentencing on these charges if you will testify that in fact, you were not the boss of North Jersey, that in fact, your nephew Anthony Soprano was and is. That he de facto controlled your capos with the backing of two of the New York families communicating through their emissary, John Sacrimoni. We want Johnny Sack. But more than him, we want Mangano and Teresi.

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano:
I want to f*** Angie Dickinson, let's see who gets lucky first.

[Tony urges Dr. Melfi to get out of town for a while]

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
I have patients who are suicidal!

Tony Soprano:
Well they're not gonna feel any better about their life if you get clipped.

[Tony describes a dream he had about Jean Cusamano]

Tony Soprano:
I'm doing her doggy-style, and I finish, you know. And her big ass is... look, we don't have time for this sh*t.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
It's interesting that you would say a big ass, 'cause Jean is quite slender.

Tony Soprano:
We've got bigger things to talk about than Jean Cusamano's ass.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
Like feelings of worthlessness sparked by your mother's plot to have you killed?

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
Altieri's wake is tonight.

Christopher Moltisanti:
I phoned in a bomb scare.

Silvio Dante:
See, now that's over the top.

Jimmy Altieri:
I got enough cologne on?

Christopher Moltisanti:
You smell like Paco Rabanne crawled up your ass and died.

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
Mingia, T. I'm sorry. Your own uncle.

Tony Soprano:
Let's do it right. Act normal. Plan things out. Make no mistakes.

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
If I'm your uncle, I got to finish what I started. He could strike first.

Christopher Moltisanti:
And, this time, he won't use Boyz II Men.

Tony Soprano:
Uncle Junior and I, we had our problems with the Business. But I never should have razzed him about eating p*ssy. This whole war could have been averted. Cunnilingus and psychiatry brought us to this.

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
The Skip seeing a psychiatrist, how does that sit with your ass?

Silvio Dante:
I usually do sit with my ass. Why don't you sit with yours?

Artie Bucco:
[about Tony] I don't just hate this man. I hate all men.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
Isn't it interesting how this memory loss cropped up right after you failed to be killed in the carjacking? You think it was a carjacking?

Tony Soprano:
Of course not, but I got an idea who was behind it. Enough said. You don't want to go there.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
Maybe you don't want to go there.

Tony Soprano:
What are you talking about?

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
Well, let's track it. Right around the time of the shooting, you were having hallucinations of that Isabella figure. The protective, loving mother. Your subconscience was shouting something at you. On the day before the shooting, you said to me that she kept going on yet again about news stories of mothers throwing their babies out of windows.

Tony Soprano:
Why don't we put our f***in' cards on the table here. What do you think, my mother tried to have me whacked 'cuz I put her in a nursing home?

Mikey Palmice:
And if Chuckie calls, you get me on his cellphone. Ho! You hear me?

JoJo Palmice:
Yeah, I think that I heard you already.

Mikey Palmice:
Go take a Midol.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
It's been a long odyssey with your mother, hasn't it?

Tony Soprano:
Oh, these last 500 years just seemed to race by.

Meadow Soprano:
Dad, give it up. We're not gonna make it to aunt patty's. Dad, hello. We're not gonna make it to aunt patty's.

Tony Soprano:
Why did i buy a goddamn off road vehicle?

A.J. Soprano:
To waste petrochemical resources?

Tony Soprano:
[putting his hands around his mother's throat while she's sedated] Ma. I know what you did, Ma. Your only son. Your middle child.

EMT:
Look she can't answer you, her speech side has been affected.

Tony Soprano:
Yeah, my ass! I heard the tapes, Ma. The f***ing FBI tapes, don't tell me you don't know what I'm talking about!

EMT:
Sir!

Tony Soprano:
George Clooney, don't get in the f***ing middle of this!

Ms. Giaculo:
Alonzo, call security!

Tony Soprano:
[to Livia] Uncle June is in jail now. And I got one more little last detail I gotta take care of!

Ms. Giaculo:
Mr. Soprano!

Tony Soprano:
I gotta tell ya, I don't die that f***ing easy, Ma! I'm gonna live a nice long happy life, which is more than I can say for you!

EMT:
Alright that's enough!

Tony Soprano:
Yeah?

[Tony knocks the man to the floor and Livia is wheeled off]

Ms. Giaculo:
Keep her moving, keep her moving!

Tony Soprano:
I try and do the right thing by you and you try and have me WHACKED?

Ms. Giaculo:
She can't understand you!

Tony Soprano:
[being restrained] SHE'S SMILING! LOOK AT THE LOOK ON HER FACE! Look at the look on her face! She's smiling! Look at her face! She's got a f***ing smile on her face!

J.T. Dolan:
What the f*** is this, "Pulp Fiction"?

Little Paulie Germani:
I don't know, haven't seen it.

J.T. Dolan:
What, am I supposed to be afraid? What could you possibly do that I haven't already been through?

Christopher Moltisanti:
I'm positive we'll figure something out.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
What was it like sitting sitting there with Fran?

Tony Soprano:
It was a little weird at first. Here I am comforting my father's mistress, my mother's lyin' there dead.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
Are you attracted to her?

Tony Soprano:
Come on, she's old enough to be my mother.

[Dr. Melfi shrugs]

Tony Soprano:
Oh, Jesus Christ, it's an expression. Don't cream yourself. I did not want to f*** my mother! You should have seen her in her housedress with that hairnet. This conversation would be over in two seconds.

Fran Felstein:
I was sorry to hear about your mother.

Tony Soprano:
Least she didn't suffer.

[pause]

Tony Soprano:
She made all of us suffer instead.

[to Tony Soprano]

Christopher:
You'd f*** a catcher's mit!

Christopher:
What do you got to be stressed about? That bar?

Adriana La Cerva:
War, Christopher? The Middle East?

Christopher:
You don't listen to the president? We're gonna mop the floor with the whole f***in' world; the whole world's gonna be under our control, so what are worked up about?

Dante Greco:
[Over the phone with Silvio] Tony walked away without a scratch but Adriana suffered a severe blow to the head

Silvio Dante:
[Over the phone with Hesh] Adriana got caught giving the big guy a blow job

Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri:
[Over the phone with Paulie] when the paramedics found her, she still had his cock in his mouth

Hesh:
[Over the phone Hesh] statistics show that most single car fatalities are the results of guys "popping their loads" behind the wheel

Junior Soprano:
[Over the phone] apparently, he came all over the sun visor

Agent Deborah Ciccerone-Waldrup:
[Over the phone with her colleague] guess who "went down" on Tony Soprano?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
I'm like King Midas in reverse. Everything I touch turns to sh*t.

Carmela Soprano:
Tony, these kids need a father!

Tony Soprano:
They got one, Tony Soprano!

Silvio Dante:
A lot of top guys have dark moods. That Winston Churchill, drank a quart of brandy before breakfast. Napoleon, he was a moody f***, too.

Meadow Soprano:
They almost killed you for a stupid car.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
I guess nobody told them about the kind of gas mileage that thing gets, huh mead?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Talk about a jolt to the system. Try gettin' shot at. It'll give you a nice kick start. [pauses] You know, when i was depressed, i said i didn't wanna live. Well, i'll tell you somethin'. I didn't wanna die. Every f***in' particle of my bein' was fightin' to live.

Tony Soprano:
YOU STUPID F***IN' MORON! You realized what could have happened to you if we didn't have connections? Some cop goes by the book and they charge you with attempted murder! You hear me! Attempted murder, then what? THEN WHAT?

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
He shot you! Were you just gonna let him f***ing get away with it?

Tony Soprano:
I told you that's my business not yours! And what did you do? Nothing! Zero a big f***ing jerk-off!

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
F*** YOU!

Tony Soprano:
I oughta break your f***ing neck! [Tony grabs him forcingly and lets a sobbing A.J. go] Stop cryin'! Stop cryin'! [pause for a moment] I guess your heart was in the right place A.J. But it's wrong. Come on!

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
What?

Tony Soprano:
It's not in your nature!

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
You don't know me! Alright! You don't know anything about me!

Tony Soprano:
You're a nice guy! And I'm greatful for that!

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
Well you're a f***ing hypocrite! Because everytime we watch "Godfather". When Michael Corleone shoots those guys at the restaurant, those a**holes who tried to kill his dad. You sit there with your f***ing bowl of ice cream and say it's your favorite scene of all time!

Tony Soprano:
Hey, Mrs. Conte. Come stai? How is the hip?

Mrs. Conte:
Hey Anthony, oh I need your help!

Tony Soprano:
What?

Mrs. Conte:
Those N*gger f***ing whores, they play that music so loud!

Tony Soprano:
That's not nice. And those are Puerto Ricans.

Mrs. Conte:
I asked them nice to turn it down, they tell me to go f*** myself!

Tony Soprano:
...I'll see what I can do.

Mrs. Conte:
Thanks.

Tony Soprano:
[Outside the police station] Jesus Christ AJ, you make me want to cry, it's just a movie you've got to grow up, you're not a little kid anymore, you hear me? You've got to grow up, don't tell your mother about this

Tony Soprano:
You're a Smurf for 10 to 15 years, then you die, shitting in your pajamas.

Psychologist:
Repeat the following sentence: No ifs, ands or buts.

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano:
I'll do it if I f***in' feel like it. Take your ultimatums and stick it in your ass!

Vito Spatafore:
[regarding Eugene] I knew him better than anybody but still... Maybe he was a homo, felt there was no one he could talk to about it. That happens, too.

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
[to Tony] Hey, Dad. I'm gonna get Uncle Junior for this. Don't worry. [crying] I watched since I was little how nice you were to him. And he doesn't get to just do this to you. And put you in here and get away with it. You're my Dad. And I'm gonna put a bullet in his f***in' mummy head! I promise. I can't believe we're not gonna, like, do stuff together again. 'Cause we will. I'm positive.

Christopher Moltisanti:
[to Agent Harris] What about that disease you picked up over there in Diarrhea-stan or wherever the f*** you were?

Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.:
[In little Carmine's living room] As you all know, Phil asked me to arrange this meeting after the fire in the Wire Room

Phil Leotardo:
Correction, you asked me to attend and I agreed

Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.:
Fair enough, I'm not going to call this a "sit-down" because of the negative implications, let's think of it as "a meeting of minds". So, for whatever reasons, certain incidents have expired lately. In addition to being dangerous, could have an adverse impact on our businesses bottom line.

Phil Leotardo:
I know Vito's bottom was "impacted" if that's what you're referring to

Tony Soprano:
Call him what you will, but you're talking about one of my captains

Phil Leotardo:
Captain? "The Ship Lollipop" right?

Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.:
Phil, please

Phil Leotardo:
Please my ass, the man was a f***ing disgrace

Tony Soprano:
Before he came out of the closet he worked for me and put a lot of paper in my pocket, yours too

Phil Leotardo:
Talk about earners? How about "Fat Dom" Gamiello?

Silvio Dante:
What about him?

Tony Soprano:
So what f*** would I know about that?

Phil Leotardo:
As coincidence would have it, he was last seen in New Jersey

Tony Soprano:
So was the Hindenburg, maybe you should look into that too

Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.:
Tony, Phil, please we're going off point. Remember, I grew up in all of this and I just lost my friend Rusty and if there's one thing my father taught me was this: "a pint of blood is worth more than a gallon of milk". My business, all of our businesses... this fighting is costing money.

Tony Soprano:
I'm willingly to move forward, let the past be bygone

Phil Leotardo:
Fine with me.

Christopher Moltisanti:
Frankly, Tone, I'm thinking maybe we should meet Phil's number.

Tony Soprano:
Why? I think that would set a terrible precedent right now. Just bend over? When he just became boss of the family over there?

Christopher Moltisanti:
Yeah, well, that's the flying ointment. Even still, I say let him have it. Life's too short.

Tony Soprano:
It's also too short to live it as a f***in' lackey.

Christopher Moltisanti:
True, too.

Christopher Moltisanti:
Well, regarding Phil, I gotta ask. Whatever happened to "stop and smell the roses"?

Tony Soprano:
You're right, you're right. You can't fight every f***ing battle, right? Asbestos. [laughs] Each day's a gift.

Christopher Moltisanti:
Every time I look at my kid, that's what I realize.

Tony Soprano:
And that sh*t with Junior? Please. It's just that people like Phil, they're not on that page. They'll take those roses and stick 'em up your ass, thorns first.

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
I know I had my differences with that kid, but maybe I didn't do right by him, neither. If you were his dad, I was his Dutch uncle. And what the f*** did I do but get pissed off? Fight with him over cocksuckin', f***in' money? And break his balls when he tried not to have a drink or a little taste of snow.

Tony Soprano:
You know what? This is bullshit.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
What?

Tony Soprano:
I haven't been able to tell anybody this. I'm f***in' relieved.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
Really?

Tony Soprano:
He was a tremendous drag on my emotions and my thoughts about the future. I mean, to begin with, every morning I wake up thinkin' is this the day that one of my best friends is gonna dime me to the FBI? And a weak, f***in' snivellin', lyin' drug addict? That's the worst kind of bet. The biggest blunder of my career is now gone. And I don't have to be confronted by that fact no more. And as a relative, a friend, someone you can count on? [flicks his hand under his chin]

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
I see.

Tony Soprano:
Let me tell you somethin'. I murdered friends before, even relatives. My cousin Tony, my best friend Puss... But this?

[wakes up from his dream]

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
How are you doing, Anthony?

Tony Soprano:
There have been some hard moments. But a weak, lyin' drug addict who fantasized about my downfall, who showed people his filthy thoughts on a movie screen? Let me tell you somethin'. I've seen friends die before. Accidents, even murder. My cousin Tony, they shot his face away. And I was f***in' prostate with grief... But this?

[Joanne falls to her knees and cries]

Tony Soprano:
F***in' James Brown now.

Anthony Soprano, Jr.:
You know, people walk around like this is all somethin' and f***in' laughin' and nobody takes even one second to think about what's really goin' on.

Dr. Richard Vogel:
You sound depressed again.

Anthony Soprano, Jr.:
I mean, how can anybody not be? You'd have to be f***ing nuts not to be. I mean, you'd have to have your head wedged so far up your ass that all you could see is your own stupid face!

Dr. Richard Vogel:
What specifically are you talking about?

Anthony Soprano, Jr.:
I mean, everything is so f***ed up. Why can't we all just get along? [cries]

Tony Soprano:
[stares at the desert sun] I get it. I get it!

Finn Detrolio:
It was the other way around. Vito was blowing the security guard.

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
Son of a b*tch!

Construction Worker:
[Tony and Silvio are looking for Vito after he's been outed as a homosexual. Tony calls Vito's cellphone. A construction worker picks the phone up off the side of the road] Hello?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
[on phone] Vito?

Silvio Dante:
You got him?

Construction Worker:
[on phone] Who?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
[on phone] Put Vito on the phone, a**hole.

Construction Worker:
[on phone] F*** you, motherf***er.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
[on phone] What, are you sucking his dick?

Construction Worker:
[on phone] Bet I'd kick your ass, you f***ing f*ggot.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
[on phone, yelling] Yeah that's right, telephone tough guy! Put Vito on the phone!

Construction Worker:
[on phone] There ain't no Vito, man. I found the phone on the side of the road!

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
[on phone] What?

Construction Worker:
[on phone] Hang on a second! [the construction worker tosses Vito's phone under a steam roller]

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
[on phone] Where'd you find the phone? Hello? Hello? Oh you motherf***er!

Silvio Dante:
What happened?

Carlo Gervasi:
[Asking Finn what he saw Vito was doing with the security guard] ,"catching" not "pitching"?

Finn Detrolio:
[Nods] his not going to know I told you?

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
You're going to have no problem from Vito, believe me

Finn Detrolio:
[Nervously] what are you going to do?

Christopher Moltisanti:
It'll be ok, we'll get him into therapy

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
[Giving Finn money] why don't you go out front get yourself a sandwich and a soda, any kind you like when we're done here somebody will drive you back [Finn takes the money and leaves]

Christopher Moltisanti:
[laughing] I want to kill the fat fagot myself it'd be a f***ing honor cut off his pishadeel and feed it to him

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
[to everybody] there's no mistake now

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
[Yelling] I can't believe I stuck up for him I feel like I've been stabbed in the heart

Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri:
We can't have him in our social club anymore that much I do know

Carlo Gervasi:
"Social club"? He's got to go

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
I want to think about it

Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri:
I don't know

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
[Stands up yelling] what the f*** is there to think about?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
[to paulie] sit down

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
[Yelling] f*** that I'll say it again, what the f*** is there to think about?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
[Yelling] are you going to take care of his kids? When his gone?

Christopher Moltisanti:
That's true, they didn't do anything poor little guys

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
[to tony] I'm sorry if I yelled it's just how much betrayal can I take?

Christopher Moltisanti:
Vito a fag, big construction tycoon, when he was always talking about "greasing the union who knew that's what he meant?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
[to everybody] this stays in these four walls

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
What? It's 2006, there's pillow biters in the special services

Silvio Dante:
[Referring to Vito] let me ask you something: for the sake of argument let's say he shows up, are you going to kiss this guy on both cheeks?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
[Remains silent]

Silvio Dante:
Take, Paulie for example you know perfectly well guys like him don't kick up their full percent to you, you look the other way, it's the price of doing business, by you cutting him some slack now that his "out of the closet" it'll be just the excuse for guys to go off the reservation and start holding back some serious money

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
A lot of your circle must have done jail time. They can't be strangers to male-male sexual contact.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
You get a pass for that.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
Well, that's nice.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Well, what are you gonan do? There's no women there. You're there five, ten years. [pauses] Just for the record, my incarceration was very short term, so I never had any need for any anal... you know.

Christopher Moltisanti:
[Explaining to Tony and Silvio why he's late] The highway was jammed with broken heroes on a last chance power drive!

Phil Leotardo:
Take your f***in' sorrys and stick 'em in your ass.

John 'Johnny Sack' Sacrimoni:
[to Tony Soprano] I will rain a storm down on you and your family like you have never seen.

[referring to Adrianna's health]

Tony Soprano:
Are you still feeling sick, Hon?

Christopher Moltisanti:
Please! They've gotta replace her colon with a semi-colon.

Christopher Moltisanti:
That's the guy, Adriana. My uncle Tony. The guy I'm going to Hell for.

Phil Leotardo:
Anybody ever die in your arms, you cocksucker? A family member, somebody you love?

Tony Soprano:
No.

Phil Leotardo:
Well, give it time. See if I can't make that happen for you.

Tony Soprano:
[referring to Phil Leotardo, who just insulted Tony's crew and left the room] Was that f***in' necessary? He shouldn't even have been here!

John 'Johnny Sack' Sacrimoni:
He's got a right to be here. He's got a right to *a lot* of things right now.

Tony Soprano:
[referring to Tony Blundetto] My cousin acted alone. I did not sanction this.

John 'Johnny Sack' Sacrimoni:
[referring sarcastically to JFK assassination] The "lone gunman" theory.

Tony Soprano:
You know how close he and Angelo were in the can. He flipped the f*** out!

John 'Johnny Sack' Sacrimoni:
When he whacked Joey Peeps, what flipped him out that time?

Tony Soprano:
Whaddaya, whaddaya want, John? What do you want me to say?

John 'Johnny Sack' Sacrimoni:
I want your cousin on a F***ING SPIT!

Tony Soprano:
Look, Tony's in hiding, John.

John 'Johnny Sack' Sacrimoni:
You either deliver that prick to my door, or I will rain a shitstorm down on you and your family like you have NEVER f***ing seen. [pause] We're done here.

Tony Soprano:
[to Benny] You don't sh*t where you eat. And you especially don't sh*t where *I* eat.

Tony Soprano:
Well, listen, the other day I was driving along, thinking about your little problem. How bout a promotion? Coupon, two for one.

Artie Bucco:
Two-fers. Wow. You mean like you get a free spaghetti and meatballs if you bring another cheap comare douchebag in here? How 'bout an early bird special? Salad wagon? This is a fine dining establishment. I'll give it back to the bank before I turn into a f***ing IHOP!

Tony Soprano:
You b*tch and you moan, and you blame everybody else for your problems. Instead of maybe not letting the Mexicans do all the cooking for you, or maybe changing the menu, or changing the decorum.

Artie Bucco:
I guess because you know how to eat, you know how to run a restaurant.

Tony Soprano:
On one of the bleakest nights of my life, after the sh*t with my mother, and that f***ing storm outside, I came here. To this place. I sat out there with Carm and my two kids and we ate and we drank and we were so happy to be here. More than any other place in the world. And you know I'm gonna eat here til I fall off the chair. But in business sometimes sh*t happens, the playing field changes, whatever. And you gotta do whatever you gotta do to keep your dick up.

Artie Bucco:
If you hate it here so much, why don't you go Don Giovanni. See if he'll cook you that bland sh*t for your shattered pancreas.

Tony Soprano:
[pauses] Alright, I'll tell you one thing. And this is very hard. Nobody wants to hear you talk. They're trying to eat out there, and you come along, with your corny jokes, and your stupid stories. Just stay in the kitchen. That'd be a start.

Christopher Moltisanti:
[about Hollywood] Ben Kingsley passed. Made some contacts. Plus we got to see Lindsay Lohan - total piece of ass.

Tony Soprano:
You don't know who I am, do ya?... You remember Johnny? Johnny Boy, your kid brother?... This thing of ours?

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano:
I was involved in that?

Tony Soprano:
Yeah. You and my Dad. You two ran North Jersey.

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano:
We did?

Tony Soprano:
Yeah.

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano:
Hm. Well, that's nice.

Tony Soprano:
[after Rhiannon leaves] Wouldn't kick her outta bed for purgin' cookies.

Patrick Parisi:
[to Paulie] Ay, we were discussing Dreamgirls. You see it?

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
You people are f***ed. You're living in a dream. And you still sit here talking about the f***ing Oscars? "What rough beast slouches toward Bethlehem to be born?"

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
Huh?

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
Yeets.

Meadow Soprano:
A.J...

Tom Giglione:
Yeats?

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
The world... Don't you see it? I mean, Bush let Al-Qaeda escape...

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
Oh!

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
...in the mountains? Then he has us invade some other country?

Jason Gervasi:
Let's join up, go kill some f***in' terrorists.

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
It's more noble than watching these jack-off fantasies on TV of how we're kickin' their ass!

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
"In the midst of death, we are in life", huh? Or is it the other way around?

Meadow Soprano:
I think it's the other way around.

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
Either version, you're halfway up the ass.

Butch DeConcini:
But I know you're disappointed, Phil. I can hear it in everything you're sayin'.

Phil Leotardo:
F***in' A, I'm disappointed!

Butch DeConcini:
I'm thinking... I dunno... Maybe...

Phil Leotardo:
What? You're talkin' about reachin' out? We can't go back! Are you outta your f***in' mind?

Butch DeConcini:
No, I know.

Phil Leotardo:
Then what'd you say it for?

Butch DeConcini:
I didn't, Phil, you did.

Phil Leotardo:
Listen, kid. When this is over, we're gonna sit down, me and you.

Butch DeConcini:
I hope so.

Phil Leotardo:
[rolls eyes] I can't hear ya, you're breakin' up.

Butch DeConcini:
I said I hope... [Phil hangs up]

[the cat jumps on the table]

Walden Belfiore:
He was at the safe house. We brought him over.

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
Get him the f*** out. These are snakes with fur. The old Italians'll tell ya, you can't even put 'em around a baby. They suck the breath right out.

Benny Fazio:
Well, you're the only baby here, so we're ahead of the game.

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
Ya wanna be wearin' his f***in' pelt on ya head?

Janice Soprano:
Uncle Jun, I'm afraid I have bad news... Bobby's dead.

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano:
Ambassador Hotel.

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
I'm no spring chicken no more. I don't wanna have me dyin' on you and leavin' ya worse off than before.

Tony Soprano:
Oh, you with the dead thing! Ya got the arms and upper body of a 20-year-old.

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
I gotta work at that. And I had the prostate.

Tony Soprano:
Alright, sure. Go ahead. I'm a little miffled but yeah, sit with it.

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
Tone, I never told this to another livin' soul but...

Tony Soprano:
Yeah?

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
One time at the Bing, I was alone to meet Eddie Lind. I saw the Virgin Mary.

Tony Soprano:
Why didn't you say somethin'? F*** strippers, we coulda had a shrine. Sold holy water in gallon jugs. Coulda made millions.

Tony Soprano:
You said you wanted to be a lawyer for black people.

Meadow Soprano:
Oh, that's all I said? Really? What I said was "The state can crush the individual."

Tony Soprano:
New Jersey?

Meadow Soprano:
The government. Specifically, the federal government.

Tony Soprano:
And what about little babies? They face, uh, meningitis.

Meadow Soprano:
You know what really turned me? Seeing the way Italians are treated. It's like Mom says. And if we can have our rights trampled like that, imagine what it's like for recent arrivals.

Tony Soprano:
Well...

Meadow Soprano:
If I hadn't seen you dragged away all those times by the FBI, then I'd probably be a boring suburban doctor.

Agent Dwight Harris:
Damn! We're gonna win this thing!

Carmela Soprano:
[about A.J] Oh, I didn't tell you. He spent $200 on a set of CDs that teach Arabic.

Tony Soprano:
Jesus Christ, c'mon! Shish-kabob. What else do ya need to know?

[last lines]

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
Focus on the good times.

Tony Soprano:
Don't be sarcastic.

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
Isn't that what you said one time? Try to remember the times that were good?

Tony Soprano:
I did?

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
Yeah.

Tony Soprano:
Well, it's true, I guess.

[the waitress arrives with a bowl of onion rings]

Tony Soprano:
I ordered something for the table.

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
[Waiting in a van] "Half an hour" he says, f***ing hour and a half already.

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
He is busy, enjoy the music.

[In the safe house]

Anthony Maffei:
[Hands Tony an envelope] Right now it's light

Tony Soprano:
This situation ain't all bad haven't a green vegetable in over a week

Benny Fazio:
Can't even go down to the pork store got to hang around here doing nothing

Anthony Maffei:
[Tony gives the cat some food] who's he belong to?

Benny Fazio:
He just showed up during the big storm

Tony Soprano:
He caught a mouse down in the cellar

Patsy Parisi:
A lot of my customers are giving their action to New York

Carlo Gervasi:
Power vacuum their taking advantage

Dante Greco:
[Walden comes in the front door and greco draws his gun] what the f*** are you coming that way for?

Walden Belfiore:
Sorry I forgot

Carlo Gervasi:
We're going to meet Paulie down at the hospital and visit Sil you want to come?

Tony Soprano:
No, I got some sh*t I have to do, my daughter [Tony picks up his assault rifle leaves the room and goes upstairs]

Benny Fazio:
Yesterday was his gout

Tony Soprano:
[Final scene] Tony enters the restaurant and sits down

Carmela Soprano:
[Carmela enters the restaurant and sits down the song "Don't Stop Believin' by Journey starts playing] Hey

Tony Soprano:
Hey

Carmela Soprano:
[Reading the menu] What looks good tonight?

Tony Soprano:
I don't know, where's the gagootz?

Carmela Soprano:
He just called his on his way, Mead's coming separately she had to go to the doctor [Tony looks up] switch birth control [Tony nods] you talk to Mink again?

Tony Soprano:
It's Carlo, he's going to testify

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
[AJ enters the restaurant and sits down] onion rings

Tony Soprano:
Best in the state as far as I'm concerned

Carmela Soprano:
[Waitress brings them their drinks] How was work today?

Tony Soprano:
It's an entry level job so bug up

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
right, focus on the good times

Tony Soprano:
Don't be sarcastic

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
Isn't that what you said one time? Try to remember the times that were good?

Tony Soprano:
I did?

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
Yeah

Tony Soprano:
Well, it's true, I guess

Tony Soprano:
[the waitress brings a bowl of onion rings to the table] I went ahead and ordered some for the table

Tony Soprano:
[Meeting privately in a car] I thought you weren't coming

Agent Dwight Harris:
You don't want to know

Tony Soprano:
Actually I do

Agent Dwight Harris:
We had Intel that a Sulafa cell was at Newark Airport boarding some man into a 767 to London

Tony Soprano:
Your right I don't want to know

Agent Dwight Harris:
We get this all the time our source was either wrong or it done to study our response time

Tony Soprano:
It happens all the time?

Agent Dwight Harris:
What's up my friend?

Tony Soprano:
My kid is obsessed with this sh*t his making a molar out of this, is he right?

Agent Dwight Harris:
[Harris' cell phone rings and answers it] Hey, probably another hour just leave it out I'll heat it up then don't leave it out, what do you want me to say? [hangs up]

Tony Soprano:
You got tough enough of a job with this terrorism sh*t I'll let you get home, the reason I called is because those two Arabs that turned you onto when I happened to remember my nephew mentioned a bank that they had an account a branch Demeter Merchant Bank

Agent Dwight Harris:
You just remembered that?

Tony Soprano:
Yeah

Agent Dwight Harris:
Thanks

Tony Soprano:
I know you that friend in the Brooklyn office is it possible he knows where Phil Leotardo is? I want to avoid any more of my guys getting hurt [Harris chuckles] I'm just saying if you heard anything from your pal

Agent Dwight Harris:
I haven't

Tony Soprano:
I figured money sent to the Middle East

Agent Dwight Harris:
You're overreaching [Tony leaves]

Carmela Soprano:
[to Meadow] See you Thursday

Meadow Soprano:
[to Tony] Hi

Tony Soprano:
[to Meadow] Where you going I just got here

Meadow Soprano:
I'm really late meeting Patrick in the city,

Carmela Soprano:
She smelled that odor too

Tony Soprano:
your remodeling will fix all that

Carmela Soprano:
Maybe it's toxic maybe we shouldn't be breathing it

Tony Soprano:
It's not toxic, the odor is what? 90 years old? Its piss

Carmela Soprano:
I've got to get home

Tony Soprano:
I'm working on it

Carmela Soprano:
I went to see Sil and Gab,oh my God

Tony Soprano:
Yeah

Carmela Soprano:
[Watching walk AJ walk Rhiannon to the door] Are you being careful? This kind of bothers me

Tony Soprano:
What's she going to do? She should use the back door, wouldn't kick her out of bed for purging cookies

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
Real funny, we're just friends

Tony Soprano:
I know, nice work

Carmela Soprano:
She's a model

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
She's doing some modeling, she's a junior in high school

Carmela Soprano:
What?

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
She's quitting modeling anyway she's tired of being exploited

Tony Soprano:
Did you help your mother take the carpets outside? Put them in the sun?

Carmela Soprano:
He did

Tony Soprano:
Uncle Bobby's funeral is finally set, Thursday we're going to be there

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
How's that supposed to work? We're all in DEFCON 4, living in separate houses, we're going to stand out in the open at a cemetery?

Carmela Soprano:
There's always a large FBI presence

Meadow Soprano:
She had one American Idol

Barbara Giglione:
No

Tom Giglione:
Jennifer Hudson? Absolutely

Jason Parisi:
Jason G was winner of Italian American Idol he could say "f***" in one sentence than any other contestant

Meadow Soprano:
Uncle Paulie come sit down

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
Yeah I'll sit with you I'm young at heart right? Who are you dear?

Tara Zincone:
Tara Zincone Bobby's niece

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
My condolences, I've lost two dear friends

Jason Parisi:
Sil's hanging on

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
I lost Ma last month you can take 2007 and give it back to the Indians

Meadow Soprano:
I'm sorry

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
What are going to do? Life goes on

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
It's like America

Jason Parisi:
What about it?

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
This is still where people come to make it, it's a beautiful idea and what do they get? Bling? Come on's for sh*t they don't need and can't afford?

Tara Zincone:
You're all over the place I don't know what you're trying to say

Tony Soprano:
You want a pastry?

Janice Soprano:
I need to watch my weight, snag another husband, you're the only one that realizes that's a joke, that joke you made about me giving guys head under the boardwalk

Tony Soprano:
He took it so seriously, Bobby

Janice Soprano:
Anyway thank you for being here

Tony Soprano:
What happens now?

Janice Soprano:
Well, Robert already said he wants to go live with aunt

Tony Soprano:
What about Sophia?

Janice Soprano:
Nica is my daughter she's very much into her older sister, Sophia's out of her mind if she thinks she's getting out of this house

Tony Soprano:
Is that a joke? Because that even got by me, in five or six years ago when Johnny Sack bought this house this was all corn fields

Janice Soprano:
I'd like to give it a shot with Bobby's kids, Bobby would want it, I put in a lot of effort with Sophia, baking together, I actually think we have a bond, I had therapy, I'm a good mother I put Ma and all her warped sh*t behind me

Tony Soprano:
Good, maybe you can a form a new nuclear family, bring Harpo down here, it's a big place

Janice Soprano:
Harpo changed his name, I's Hal now

Tony Soprano:
If you need anything you know I'm minutes away [Tony stands up and leaves]

Agent Dwight Harris:
[Over the phone] Multiple calls traced to a pay phone in Oyster Bay Long Island

Tony Soprano:
What? Where's the pay phone exactly?

Agent Dwight Harris:
Gas station most likely

Tony Soprano:
Gas station?

Tony Soprano:
His lamed out he might not be able to put his hands on a clean phone

Tony Soprano:
Alright, listen, thanks

Tony Soprano:
How many f***ing times I've told you it's an SUV watch where you park off road the Cadillac converter and the dry vegetation

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
I didn't see the leaves

Tony Soprano:
You can grill f***ing steaks on that converter, I told you!

Carmela Soprano:
If there was children playing in those leaves, you'd run them over?

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
I guess?

Tony Soprano:
You're going to get cute now?

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
I was just answering her question

Meadow Soprano:
Dad, he wasn't being funny

Tony Soprano:
You mind your own God damn business, unless you want some of this too

Meadow Soprano:
[Meadow leaves the room] Mr. Fat mouth

Tony Soprano:
What'd you say?

Carmela Soprano:
What was going through your mind?

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
What do you want from me? I am depressed, I'm supposed to be looking for piles of leaves?

Tony Soprano:
You want to get depressed? Thirty thousand dollars for that car

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
Isn't that what we have insurance for?

Carmela Soprano:
Excuse me? You're not getting another one

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
Actually that's good it'll force me to take the bus

Carmela Soprano:
What?

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
We have to break our dependence on foreign oil

George Pagilieri:
[FBI wiretap recording] Cafe Napoli

Tony Soprano:
George, its Anthony

George Pagilieri:
Your f***ing ears must be ringing I just left your friend, the son crying the blues over the situation between you and that outfit over there

Tony Soprano:
That's why I'm calling I need you to reach out to the "little guy"

George Pagilieri:
His not happy with Phil neither

Tony Soprano:
I know, you're not a part of that family, your basically retired, everybody trusts you, what I'm thinking you supply a location, guarantee everybody's safety

George Pagilieri:
I could do that

[At a secret sit down meeting]

George Pagilieri:
Anybody want a water? The guys are already here, they've been patted down too

Butch DeConcini:
We started it? We got a dead comare in Queens and her old Ukrainian father

Tony Soprano:
I'm not even going to blame Phil, John Sacrimoni my friend I'm sorry to say was an insecure guy, he created a constant tension within his family which spilled over, go ahead Carmine George was good enough to broker this meeting for us? You just going to sit there?

Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.:
It didn't have to be this way

Butch DeConcini:
We agree it's got too far, Phil's changed, you got my word we'll back off

Tony Soprano:
My price is you help us get a location on Phil

Butch DeConcini:
I can't go there, but you do what you gotta do

Tony Soprano:
One more thing, you hit my brother in law

Butch DeConcini:
So?

Tony Soprano:
This is my sister we're talking about, she's got to see something out of this

Butch DeConcini:
We'll come up with a number? [They all shake hands and leave]

Uncle Pat:
[Referring to Janice] She was inveigling him, she's after his money, you're not even curious about him?

Tony Soprano:
[Referring to Junior] He can f***ing rot

Dr. Doherty:
When you were inpatient you said you might try and get a job

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
I can't now because of the car I need to get a bus schedule, the thing is ever since it blew up I feel like "cleansed" or something

Dr. Doherty:
Because it was a polluter?

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
No, just watching it go that huge fire ball you have no idea, the heat, my seat melted I've been in it a few seconds before

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
I had a meeting down here with Carlo this morning we're supposed to see Butch and them on a couple of items, Carlo didn't show and he don't answer his phone neither

Tony Soprano:
What are you thinking?

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
That maybe we were had that this Butch has taken out another ranking guy

Tony Soprano:
What if he flipped?

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
Who? Carlo?

Tony Soprano:
Well? You there?

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
His kid the imbecile

Tony Soprano:
Jason?

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
Patsy told me he got picked up yesterday for selling Ecstasy

Carmela Soprano:
[Carmela enters Meadow's room] Miss Hunter, long time no see, oh my God when was it?

Hunter Scangarelo:
How are you Mrs. Soprano?

Carmela Soprano:
It was right around when you "quit college"

Hunter Scangarelo:
Your being kind I was kicked out for partying and drunk driving

Carmela Soprano:
I didn't want to say but that was always you, so what are you up to now?

Hunter Scangarelo:
I'm in my second year of med school

Carmela Soprano:
[Surprised] oh

Hunter Scangarelo:
Yeah I completed under grad at Purchase got my act together

Donna Parisi:
A man took his horse to a vet and the vet says to him, "Why do you have a long face?"

Patsy Parisi:
The horse asks, there's no vet.

Donna Parisi:
Right, a horse goes to a vet and the vet looks at his face and says to him, "My friend."

Patsy Parisi:
A horse goes to the doctor, the doctor asks, "Why the long face?" She can't tell jokes

Tony Soprano:
Speaking of jokers, where's that other son of yours today?

Donna Parisi:
I didn't think he was invited.

Carmela Soprano:
I just think with all the wedding talk.

Tony Soprano:
That pal of his, the other Jason I heard he ran into some trouble, Carlo's Jason.

Donna Parisi:
He's a mess.

Patsy Parisi:
Alright.

Tony Soprano:
Well, he's got no shortage of lawyers here, only this one here would only take the case for free. [referring to Meadow]

Patrick Parisi:
That's why we want her there at Groupman, Groupman and Kerseyo, actually Med and I had some conversations and we may still snag her at the firm when she's done with law school.

Carmela Soprano:
No kidding?

Meadow Soprano:
We went out to dinner Steven Groupman and the subject came up.

Patrick Parisi:
Steven was very impressed with her work at the Law Center, even got into starting salaries, he was talking one seventy.

Tony Soprano:
Jesus, sweetheart that's fantastic.

Meadow Soprano:
He hadn't had too much to drink.

Patrick Parisi:
Don't devalue yourself, we've got a really interesting case right now we're defending James Trofolio the County Commissioner and those corruption charges.

Donna Parisi:
[to Patrick] is that your case?

Patrick Parisi:
He's got bag men, whores it's fascinating.

Walden Belfiore:
[Paulie walks into the room and sees the cat staring at the photo of Christopher] yeah, he does that all the time, sometimes he spends most of the day just staring at his picture you know their funny that way, I had an aunt her cat would only sit at exact corners of the table staring out or the intersection of two walls staring in

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
The f***? This animal is history today, pick him up

Walden Belfiore:
You pick him up

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
[Tony enters the room] T, you see this sh*t? [Referring to the cat] he says he does it all time

Tony Soprano:
[Referring to the cat] Oh yeah? Leave him, his a good guy

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
Look at him staring at that dead kid, it gives me the f***ing creeps

Tony Soprano:
[to Walden] give us some privacy

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
[to Walden] what the f*** kind of name is that for an Italian?

Walden Belfiore:
I was named after Mr. Bobby Darin, Walden Robert Cassotto [Walden picks up the cat and leaves]

Tony Soprano:
The Cifaretto crew, it's like a Chinese fire drill over there, especially now Carlo's absent

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
I know

Tony Soprano:
I want you to skipper that thing

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
Really?

Tony Soprano:
F***ing thing is like one big ATM machine, it's all in construction with New York, it falls right into your kick

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
Yeah

Tony Soprano:
Jesus Christ I thought you'd be pleased I didn't just hand you a diagnosis of the clap

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
With all due respect I'd just like to mellow it a little

Tony Soprano:
[Seeing AJ jogging while driving his SUV] Get in, that's good activity, you can already see a difference

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
Yeah

Tony Soprano:
I'm going to get back at it myself

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
I'm going to join the army

Tony Soprano:
What? Did you sign any sh*t?

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
No, but this week I will I've got to deal with Rhiannon first

Tony Soprano:
Rhiannon? What about your mother?

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
Her too

Tony Soprano:
Are you nuts? You want to get sent to Iraq?

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
Afghanistan, the army's probably good for my career

Tony Soprano:
You don't have a career

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
Right, my ultimate goal is to qualify for helicopter pilot training afterwards work for Trump or somebody, be their personal pilot

Tony Soprano:
I'm not even going to tell your mother about this, and don't you do nothing until we've another chance to talk you hear me?

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
Yes

Tony Soprano:
I've got to be frank you people got him out of his room, great so he could be Cannon fodder ?

Dr. Doherty:
I wasn't aware of his latest plan

Tony Soprano:
On the other hand he can benefit from the training, the discipline

Carmela Soprano:
Maybe the army would be great for him, if there wasn't a war going on, he used to veg in front of that TV

Dr. Doherty:
He says he wants to get past the hate focus it only on the terrorists I really can't reveal much more

Tony Soprano:
Right, even though we're paying, this whole therapy thing I've got to tell you

Dr. Doherty:
What

Tony Soprano:
My mother was a borderline personality, so what? I don't know if you knew that

Dr. Doherty:
No

Tony Soprano:
I did not have a very happy childhood

Dr. Doherty:
No?

Tony Soprano:
There was very little love in the house

Dr. Doherty:
His mentioned your mother very briefly

Tony Soprano:
She was a very difficult woman, undermining I tried to place her in a retirement community for her own good, she turned on me completely, I could never please my mother

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano:
[Tony walks up to Uncle Junior] Hello

Tony Soprano:
You don't recognize me?

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano:
We used to play catch

Tony Soprano:
You don't remember you shot me? I'm Anthony, Johnny's son

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano:
The f*** you want? A boot in the rear?

Tony Soprano:
Uncle Pat came to see me about Janice, about your money

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano:
People keep asking me, I don't know there's a man from another galaxy that came here

Tony Soprano:
That's your accountant

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano:
I'm confused

Tony Soprano:
Any money should go to Bobby Baccala's kids and Janice might not do that but Bobby was with us, Bobby was a made guy, it wouldn't be right

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano:
Me? I never had kids

Tony Soprano:
You remember where your stash is you let uncle Pat know and as head of the family I'll hold onto it as a guardian for Bobby's kids

Tony Soprano:
You remember Bobby?

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano:
Sure

Tony Soprano:
[With teary eyes] You don't know who I am, do you?

Carmela Soprano:
Holsten's is the consensus

Tony Soprano:
Alright I've got to see some people, I'll meet you there

Carmela Soprano:
We're not eating at home tonight I thought we'd go to Holsten's

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
You said we'd have Cannelloni

Carmela Soprano:
I have meetings with carpenters

Neil Mink:
Somebody's giving grand jury testimony on something

Tony Soprano:
So Carlo has flipped

Neil Mink:
We don't know but subpoenas are flying my hunch is eighty to ninety percent chance you'll be indicted, f***ing gun charge I get sick when I think of it plus interstate fraud and if Carlo starts talking homicide, it's not like we haven't envisioned this day?

Tony Soprano:
No, it's not

Neil Mink:
Trials are there to be won

Carmela Soprano:
As your parents we feel joining the army is in your best interest

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
This country is in a crisis

Carmela Soprano:
How can one soldier stop it?

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
When my enlistment is up, I could join the CIA or something and with a military background I'd have "a leg up" and as an Arabic speaker I'd be very useful

Tony Soprano:
[Sarcastically] I don't understand your going to ask Donald for some time off from your pilot job to go on CIA missions?

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
Everything's a joke to you

Tony Soprano:
I'm not having a good time

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
Did you or did you not want me to go to military school?

Carmela Soprano:
At least you would've come out an officer, even then I was oppose to it, I hate this idea

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
I'm applying for officers' candidate school I want to be a liaison officer with the local population

Carmela Soprano:
Officers' candidate school? You have terrible grades you flunked out of college

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
Here we go, that's all this is about right?

Carmela Soprano:
No Anthony this is not what it's about, you don't want to go to college, then don't go to college but don't get your legs blown off

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
[dismissively] Always with the drama

Tony Soprano:
What's your girlfriend say? The fashion model?

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
She doesn't think I should go either

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
[Turning down Tony's offer of a promotion] with all due respect and I mean that from the bottom of my heart I'm going to pass

Tony Soprano:
I don't f***ing believe this, why?

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
Every guy that ran that crew died prematurely

Tony Soprano:
Oh come on

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
I beat cancer once you got no idea what that does to you

Tony Soprano:
Yeah I know

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
Richie Aprile, Ralphie, M.I.A, Vito and who knows with Carlo and Gigi

Tony Soprano:
Gigi died taking a sh*t

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
Doesn't mean it's not part of an overall pattern

Tony Soprano:
You're going to die yourself you should leave a "package" to leave your niece who has MS, it's like your bullshit with the cat the f***ing animal catches mice for us and you'd drown it

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
I would

Tony Soprano:
His not looking at Christopher a rat died back in the wall or some sh*t

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
I moved the picture, the f***ing thing came to the new spot and stared

Tony Soprano:
The abstract shapes or something, I'll tell you this, since Christopher's death my gambling luck's turned a one eighty

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
Oh, it's fine for you to believe that sh*t but I can't worry about a jinx? I tell you something from my heart and you laugh it off?

Tony Soprano:
I'm not saying there's nothing out there for you but not live your life? What are you going to do? Alright you don't want the job? Then you don't want the job I could put Patsy in there his going to be a part of my family now, it'll be good

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
Prick, you always know what to say to me don't you?

Tony Soprano:
I'm serious

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
I live but to serve you my liege

Meadow Soprano:
To what do I owe this chance to go sake bombing?

Tony Soprano:
We used to have dinner all the time now you're getting married my chances are flying by, so your brother, our little soldier boy what do you think is wrong with the gagootz?

Meadow Soprano:
The world is a sad f***ed up place

Agent Ron Goddard:
You see Metro News?

Agent Dwight Harris:
No

Agent Ron Goddard:
Your old beat: Phil Leotardo got popped

Carmela Soprano:
[to AJ] Not that long ago you talked about owning a club

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
Right, you had a problem with that too

Carmela Soprano:
A lot of your friends are in film school especially the ones you used to go to clubs with

Tony Soprano:
got this screenplay from Danny Baldwin we met at your cousin's movie, Danny hoped I could set him up with some financing and I never read it

Carmela Soprano:
You did now

Tony Soprano:
Yeah I did now, long story short it's about a private detective that gets sucked into the internet through his data port and his got to solve some murders of some virtual prostitutes

Carmela Soprano:
I read it, it's scary

Tony Soprano:
The point is I talked to Little Carmine and his interested in developing it through his company

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
He makes porn

Tony Soprano:
He made Cleaver, his branching out

Carmela Soprano:
You would work for his producer Inga you would be "development executive" on this project

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
Really? What's this got to do with clubs?

Carmela Soprano:
Hollywood, gossip columns, the night spots

Tony Soprano:
And you get some real world experience under the belt you come see me and then we'll talk about me investing in a club, run that past Rhiannon and see what she says

Tony Soprano:
[sees Vin urinating] What the hell are you doing?

Det. Vin Makazian:
This place is an hour away from my office.

Tony Soprano:
An hour? What are you, a woman? Get a bladder transplant. My mother lives here.

Tony Soprano:
[after stapling Mikey's chest] What are you screaming about? Free alterations!

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano:
You heard about the Chinese Godfather? He made them an offer they couldn't understand.

Christopher Moltisanti:
This is "Scarface", final scene, bazookas under each arm, "say hello to my little friend!"

Silvio Dante:
Always with the scenarios.

Tony Soprano:
I'm havin' second thoughts.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
About?

Tony Soprano:
This whole thing. This whole arrangement. Security. I mean I come here, I tell you things, I don't know how safe it is.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
I understand your concerns. But I told you what the ground rules are. As long as I don't hear anything incriminating...

Tony Soprano:
You don't f***in' get it. Bein' here incriminates me. Somebody sees me, they tell somebody else. All of a sudden, I'm a celebrity.

Tony Soprano:
I stopped at a light yesterday and I see this nanny, black girl, pushin' a baby carriage. Comin' the other way, was another one with this old lady in a wheelchair starin' off into space.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
The circle of life.

Tony Soprano:
Circle-jerk of life. Where's the dignity?

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
If you're lucky, in the end you can let go of you pride. Let your loved ones care for you.

Tony Soprano:
I'd rather they hold a pillow over my face.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
I find it interesting you would say that. You tried to smother your mother with a pillow.

Tony Soprano:
What?

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
In the hospital after her stroke.

Tony Soprano:
The f*** I did! I grabbed a pillow but it was... just to keep my hands occupied.

Tony Soprano:
What was your mother like? She ever let you down, do anything to hurt your feelings?

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
Of course she did. She was controlling, manipulative at times. She also never tried to kill me.

Tony Soprano:
I pushed her over the edge.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
By placing her in a lovely retirement community.

Tony Soprano:
It's a nursing home!

Tony Soprano:
What you lose a little weight?

Agent Dwight Harris:
Ah...

Vito Spatafore:
You look good. Atkins, right?

Agent Dwight Harris:
I caught a parasite over there. Doctors don't know what it is.

Christopher Moltisanti:
What do they eat, tabooli?

Agent Dwight Harris:
Actually that's why I'm here. I been dyin' for a Satriale's veal parm hero. [walks in]

Christopher Moltisanti:
F*** him. I hope that parasite eats his a**hole out.

Tony Soprano:
[shrugs] Kinda feel bad for the guy.

Silvio Dante:
[at Artie's restaurant] Where'd they get this bread? The bread museum?

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano:
Cazzata Malanga!

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano:
I lost my uppers.

Tony Soprano:
Probably upstairs.

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano:
God f*** it all!

Tony Soprano:
Relax, will ya? We'll find them.

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano:
The phone keeps ringing, and then they hang up.

Tony Soprano:
It's probably salespeople.

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano:
I know who it is!

Tony Soprano:
P*ssy Malanga, I know. We'll get J. Edgar Hoover right on it.

Tony Soprano:
Tell ya what, you go upstairs and look for your teet'. I'm gonna fix ya somethin' to eat. OK? [goes to the kitchen]

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano:
I had a banana in there!

Tony Soprano:
Alright, we'll find that too.

Vito Spatafore:
I'll tell ya, one of the best things about droppin' the weight? All new wardrobe. I keep it up I'm gonna need Clothing Anonymous.

Raymond Curto:
You shoulda called your sponsor before you bought that jacket.

Vito Spatafore:
[to Eugene] Look at this guy. Members Only? How long you been wearin' that?

Vito Spatafore:
[Phil walks in] Oh! Finally! Startin' to grow mushrooms out my ass.

Phil Leotardo:
There's an image.

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
You have such a low opinion of people?

Tony Soprano:
Let me tell you somethin', A.J. I don't care how close you are, in the end your friends are gonna let you down. Family: they're the only ones you can depend on.

Christopher Moltisanti:
You ever think what a coincidence it is that Lou Gehrig died of Lou Gehrig's disease?

[everyone laughs]

Tony Soprano:
You're gonna make that same stupid joke every time that comes up?

[In the nursing home, where his mother lives]

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
I don't understand. All the money I put in this place, and my mother is getting picked on by the others. I want it stopped.

Nursing home supervisor:
You'll have to excuse these girls. Sometimes they think it's a high school with wheelchairs.

Ron Pearse:
The federal prosecutors and myself have been told to clear our calendars for the next five months so trial is upon us and the Feds have reached a complete accounting of your worth [shows him his financial statements]

Johnny 'Sack' Sacramoni:
[Looking through his financial statements] The vintage Wurlitzer? They go through my f***ing sock drawer?

Ron Pearse:
They shot a video the day of your arrest they even tracked down the one hundred eighty thousand in Boca Raton under your father's name they estimate your net worth at five million

Johnny 'Sack' Sacramoni:
While Ginny lives on scraps

Ron Pearse:
Between your cash and portfolios with Fidelity and Vanguard your 401k and severance from Essany scaffolding condo in Deal Beach at four hundred fifty, Maserati, Ginny's Yukon and your house and its contents valued at one million two hundred thousand

Johnny 'Sack' Sacramoni:
Is all this part of your plan? To make me so depressed I'd hang myself?

Ron Pearse:
It's my obligation to raise again the idea of cooperating

Johnny 'Sack' Sacramoni:
Flip? Let me explain something to you again, but differently, being a rat where I come from, is like asking someone like you to be a f***ing Nazi and I don't want to hear that sh*t again

Ron Pearse:
Good because I don't represent turn coats

Johnny 'Sack' Sacramoni:
Because it would kill your practice

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
You make your own luck in life.

Phil Leotardo:
[after Johnny Sack bursts into tears after being arrested by the FBI in front of everyone] I'll tell you this, my estimation about John Sacrimoni as a man, just f***ing plummeted.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Give him a break, will ya? It's an emotional day.

Phil Leotardo:
To cry like a woman? It's a f***ing disgrace!

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
It's f***ing coach turned into a pumpkin.

Phil Leotardo:
Even Cinderella didn't cry!

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Look, when it comes to daughters, all bets are off. I've seen tougher guys than John cry at weddings.

Phil Leotardo:
OK, but let me ask you this: if they can make him cry, and if he's that weak, what the f*** else can they make him do?

Christopher Moltisanti:
I gotta agree with Phil, Tone.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
[angrily] Oh you do, do ya?

Wedding Guest:
Terrible out there, huh?

Phil Leotardo:
He's an emotional man. LOVES his daughter.

[famous 'last words']

Christopher Moltisanti:
This is my Goodbye Party with heroin.

Christopher Moltisanti:
[singing from inside his car as he pulls up to the guys at the no-work construction site] If I were a carpenter and you were a douche-bag...

Carmela Soprano:
You know, Ma, your son loves you very much. He worries all the time. And he felt bad that you didn't come to the open house. I don't care if you think it's disrespectful, but I want you to cut the drama. It's killing Tony.

Livia Soprano:
What are you talking about?

Carmela Soprano:
I'm talking about this. This "poor mother, nobody loves me" victim crap. It is textbook manipulation. And I hate seeing Tony so upset over it.

Livia Soprano:
I know how to talk to people.

Carmela Soprano:
I am a mother too, don't forget. You know the power that you have. And you use it like a pro.

Livia Soprano:
Power? What power? I don't have power! I'm a shut-in!

Carmela Soprano:
You're bigger than life. You are his mother. I don't think for one second that you don't know what you're doing to him.

Livia Soprano:
Who me? Me? What did I do?

Christopher Moltisanti:
Why the f*** would P*ssy run? I mean, the guy's outta breath liftin' his dick up to take a leak.

Tony Soprano:
So your father tells me you're takin' up astronomy in college.

Kevin Bompensiero:
No, business.

Tony Soprano:
Well, how come he keeps sayin' you're takin' up space in school?

Salvatore 'Big P*ssy' Bonpensiero:
[laughs] Madon'. Don't make me laugh. Kills my back.

Tony Soprano:
He's a good lookin' kid. Sure he's yours?

Silvio Dante:
Look, T, if my vote counts for anything, I cannot believe that P*ssy would fear the can enough to hurt his friends.

Tony Soprano:
That's what they said about Gravano.

Meadow Soprano:
This country's light-years behind the rest of the world. Most civilized countries have legalized prostitution.

Tony Soprano:
Don't you got somewhere to be?

Meadow Soprano:
I mean, it's a joke. Look what they're putting the President through.

Carmela Soprano:
He deserved what he got.

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
He got Monica Kaczynski and the broad with the long nose.

Meadow Soprano:
I just don't think sex should be a punishable offense.

Tony Soprano:
You know honey, that's where I agree with you. I don't think sex should be a punishable offense either. But I do think talking about sex at the breakfast table is a punishable offense. So no more sex talk, OK?

Meadow Soprano:
It's the 90s. Parents are supposed to discuss sex with their children.

Tony Soprano:
Yeah, but that's where you're wrong. You see out there it's the 1990s but in this house it's 1954. [points to the window] 1990s. [points to the floor] 1954. So now and forever, I don't want to hear any more sex talk, OK?

Tony Soprano:
[regarding Makazian] What did he come here for? Therapy?

Debbie:
You could say that.

Tony Soprano:
Instead of a couch you use a bed? It's not a bad idea.

Debbie:
Hey, who wouldn't want to sleep with their shrink?

Tony Soprano:
...What does that mean?

Mikey Palmice:
Hey, babe. Look what Chucky brought us.

JoJo Palmice:
Another kitchen appliance. Whoop-f***in'-pee.

Mikey Palmice:
Then slit ya wrists, why don't ya?

Chucky Signore:
Truck load fell off the loading dock at Zim's last night.

JoJo Palmice:
It's not even a Bra-oon.

Mikey Palmice:
[sighs] That's a Braun, babe.

Mikey Palmice:
I may be getting bumped up. A notch or two. Tony Soprano's on his way out, and I mean as in forever.

JoJo Palmice:
Oh my god. He's going to jail?

Mikey Palmice:
Nah, the other forever.

JoJo Palmice:
Does Junior know?

Mikey Palmice:
[chuckles and shakes his head] Oh, jeez.

Mikey Palmice:
I'm gonna give you a break. When I toss you over, if you can fly, I won't shoot you down. Deal?

Tony Soprano:
This psychiatry sh*t. Apparently what you're feelin' is not what you're feelin' and what you're not feelin' is your real agenda.

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano:
I always thought you could make the pros. You could have done it. You had a swing like Joe D.

Tony Soprano:
You're crazy.

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano:
What? You think I'm f***ing you?

Tony Soprano:
Yeah, I could barely hit .250.

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano:
That's because you didn't want it. Too busy chasing skirt. Chasing skirt, your average was .500.

Tony Soprano:
Remember the story you told me about the father bull talking to the son? They're up on this hill and looking down on a bunch of cows. And the son goes to the father, "Dad, why don't we run down there and f*** one of these cows?" Now do you remember what the father said? Father says, "Son, why don't we walk down there and f*** them all?"

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
When's the last time you had a prostate exam?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Hey, I don't even let anyone wag their finger in my FACE.

[Dr. Melfi laughs]

Tony Soprano:
Alright, lemme hear it.

Jimmy Altieri:
Rusty Irish.

Tony Soprano:
What about him?

Larry Boy Barese:
He took a header of the falls.

Raymond Curto:
That's the closest that junkie f*** ever got to a bath.

Larry Boy Barese:
Yeah, well I got news for you. That junkie f*** was my biggest earner. During the football season, he moved more cards than 10 guys put together. And another thing, a certain friend of ours should've checked with me before he did a favor for the old man Capri.

Adriana La Cerva:
I'm just worried about you, Christopher. I love you so much.

Christopher Moltisanti:
So if you love me, stir my eggs, okay? [aside] Oh, we're having Sunday dinner at Tony's, and you're coming. I don't care if your mother's dying!

Ralph Cifaretto:
[to Pie-o-My's trainer] And tell that midget jockey not to be shy with the whip!

Hesh:
[about Ralph] If only his mother had followed that advice.

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.:
So what, no f***ing ziti now?

[in the PG-13 version A.J. says]

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.:
So what, no freaking ziti now?

Tony Soprano:
Carmela, something I gotta confess.

Tony Soprano:
[sees Carmela moving her wine glass] What are you doin'?

Carmela Soprano:
Getting my wine in position to throw in your damn face!

Tony Soprano:
You're always with the drama, you.

Carmela Soprano:
Go ahead and confess already, please! Get it over with!

Tony Soprano:
[covers his face] I'm on Prozac.

Carmela Soprano:
Oh - Oh my God.

Tony Soprano:
I've been seeing a therapist.

Carmela Soprano:
[gasps] Oh my God! I think that's great! I think that's so wonderful! I think that's so gutsy!

Tony Soprano:
Alright, take it easy.

Carmela Soprano:
I just think that's very, very wonderful!

Tony Soprano:
You would think I was Hannibal Lecter before or something.

Herman 'Hesh' Rabkin:
I hear Junior wants to whack P*ssy Bonpensiero.

Tony Soprano:
P*ssy Malanga.

Herman 'Hesh' Rabkin:
Oh, Little P*ssy.

Tony Soprano:
Yeah, Little P*ssy. You think he's going to f*** with Big P*ssy? My P*ssy?

Tony Soprano:
Let me tell ya something. Nowadays, everybody's gotta go to shrinks, and counselors, and go on "Sally Jessy Raphael" and talk about their problems. What happened to Gary Cooper? The strong, silent type. That was an American. He wasn't in touch with his feelings. He just did what he had to do. See, what they didn't know was once they got Gary Cooper in touch with his feelings that they wouldn't be able to shut him up! And then it's dysfunction this, and dysfunction that, and dysfunction vaffancul!

Tony Soprano:
I gotta be honest with you. I'm not getting any satisfaction from my work either.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
Why?

Tony Soprano:
Well, because of RICO.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
Is he your brother?

Tony Soprano:
No. The RICO statutes?

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
Oh. [chuckles] Of course, right.

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano:
[to Tony] You may run North Jersey but you don't run your Uncle Junior! How many f***in' hours did I spend playing catch with you?

[Dr. Melfi gets out her prescription pad]

Tony Soprano:
Here we go. Here comes the Prozac!

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
Do you have any qualms about how you actually make a living?

Tony Soprano:
Yeah. I find I have to be the sad clown: laughing on the outside, crying on the inside.

Charmaine Bucco:
It's bad enough that these mobsters still come in and patronize this place. Okay?

Artie Bucco:
But, so what? We're not connected!

Charmaine Bucco:
Right, because we just turned down those tickets.

Artie Bucco:
But the tickets were comps. Tony is a labor leader.

Charmaine Bucco:
Arthur, please grow up. Does the mind not rebel at any possible scenario under which dentists are sending The Don of New Jersey first class on a Norwegian steamship? Come on, Arthur. Somebody donated their knee caps for those tickets!

[Tony after informing Carmella he's on Prozac warns her to keep it secret]

Tony Soprano:
I'm serious. The wrong person finds out about this and I get a steel-jacketed anti-depressant right in the back of the head!

Tony Soprano:
It's good to be in something from the ground floor. I came too late for that and I know. But lately, I'm getting the feeling that I came in at the end. The best is over.

Tony Soprano:
Had some good times. Had some good years?

Carmela Soprano:
Here he goes now with the nostalgia.

Tony Soprano:
Hey, all I'm saying is no marriage is perfect.

Carmela Soprano:
Well, having that comare on the side helps.

Tony Soprano:
I told you I'm not seeing her anymore. How do you think I feel, having that priest around all the time?

Carmela Soprano:
Don't even go there, alright? Father is a spiritual mentor. He's helping me to be a better Catholic.

Tony Soprano:
Yeah, well we all got different needs.

Carmela Soprano:
What's different between you and me is you're going to Hell when you die!

Tony Soprano:
[Seeing Dr. Melfi's diploma] Melfi. What part of the boot you from, hon?

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
[objecting to how he addressed her] Dr. Melfi. [pause] My father's people were from Caserta.

Tony Soprano:
[referring to himself] Avellino. My mother would have loved it if you and I got together.

Christopher Moltisanti:
Russians? They're not all bad.

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
How 'bout the Cuban Missile Crisis? Cocksuckers flew four nuclear missiles into Cuba, pointed them right at us.

Christopher Moltisanti:
That was real? I saw that movie, I thought it was bullshit.

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
C'mon, Chrissy. All the sh*t we been through, you really think I'd kill ya?

Christopher Moltisanti:
Yeah, I do.

[Paulie and Christopher botched a killing and are now stranded in the woods]

Christopher Moltisanti:
For all we know, he could be out there stalking us.

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
With what? His cock?

Christopher Moltisanti:
We shoulda stopped at Roy Rogers.

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
Yeah and I shoulda f***ed Dale Evans but I didn't.

Tony Soprano:
[over the phone] It's a bad connection so I'm gonna talk fast! The guy you're looking for is an ex-commando! He killed sixteen Chechen rebels single-handed!

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
Get the f*** outta here.

Tony Soprano:
Yeah. Nice, huh? He was with the Interior Ministry. Guy's like a Russian green beret. He can not come back and tell this story. You understand?

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
I hear you. [hangs up] You're not gonna believe this. He killed sixteen Czechoslovakians. Guy was an interior decorator.

Christopher Moltisanti:
His house looked like sh*t.

[Paulie is getting a manicure]

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
[to manicurist] Let's go with the satin finish.

[Christopher is urinating outside on Paulie's side of the van]

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
Ohhhh! Go do that by your own window! I don't wanna have to smell your piss all night!

Christopher Moltisanti:
F*** you, Paulie.

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
What'd you say?

Christopher Moltisanti:
You heard me.

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
Don't make me pull rank on you, kid!

Christopher Moltisanti:
F*** you, Paulie! Captain or no captain, right now we're just two a**holes lost in the woods.

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
First place I'm hittin' is Denny's!

Christopher Moltisanti:
I know. Get like 5 of those Grand Slam breakfasts.

[Tony disapproves of Meadow's new boyfriend because he is black]

Carmela Soprano:
If you want her to be with him, just keep playing the race card. You're gonna drive her right into his arms.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Not if I cut off those f***in' arms.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
I brought you some books on tape since you say you can't concentrate to read.

Livia Soprano:
I wish The Lord would take me now!

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Well... in the meantime.

Hesh:
I, I guess what struck me most was, she didn't mince words, in between brain and mouth there was no interlocutor.

Carmela Soprano:
This is such a crock of sh*t I'm sitting here thinking I should protect my children from the truth about their grandmother on the one hand, on the other I'm saying to myself what kind of example am I setting? Evading and smiling and passing out cheese puffs over a woman we know was terribly dysfunctional who spread no cheer at all

Hugh DeAngelis:
[to Mary] I'll speak if I want to, who do you think you are? Minister of propaganda? We suffered for years under the guilt of that woman, years she estranged us from our own daughter ruined how many Goddamn Christmases I don't even want to count

Tom Giglione:
Here here

Carmela Soprano:
From beyond the grave even, this is a woman who didn't want a funeral, you all her children [pointing to Tony Janice and Barbara] ignored her wishes only after she passed away by the way she didn't want a funeral, she didn't a remembrance of any kind why? She didn't think anybody would come she wouldn't write down her memories for her grandchildren because she figured nobody loved her enough to read them because she knew there was a problem

Christopher Moltisanti:
[to Adriana] Hey, you got change? I'm f***ing sliding this stupid bill in and out of the cigarette machine for like an hour.

Tina Francesco:
[suggestively] An hour? I bet you can go longer than that!

Christopher Moltisanti:
Listen to you! Why do you always talk like a whore?

Tina Francesco:
'Cause men like it!

Christopher Moltisanti:
Yeah?

[pauses, looks her over]

Christopher Moltisanti:
Think you're right about that.

Adriana La Cerva:
[after watching Citizen Kane] So, it was the sled, huh? He shoulda told somebody.

Tony Blundetto:
So what do I find at the Pork store? A bunch of guys beating the meat.

Tony Blundetto:
[to Paulie] You let that dry before you put on the second coat? Grandpa Munster over here.

Jack Massarone:
So they go through labor, big deal. Try a prostate exam.

Tony Soprano:
I tell you, I'm having a time. Stay out late. Come home drunk. F*** anyone I want.

Silvio Dante:
So what's the difference?

Tony Soprano:
I don't know. It's a mind-set.

[Tony and Paulie are driving through Maryland]

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
Chevy Chase. F*** ever happen to him?

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
[about Beansie] Oof, Madon'! He pisses in a bag now? Jesus Christ, f***in' kill me now. Huh!

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
Hey, Tone. Remember when we all rented that house down the Shore? With the bedbugs? Heh, heh.

Tony Soprano:
[nods]

Peter 'Beansie' Gaeta:
Summer of '78. Carlo, Silvio, Frankie Napoli.

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
Place up the beach. Sonny Spits from the Bronx rented it? That's where that hippie kid "mysteriously" drowned during that party. Heh, heh.

Tony Soprano:
[glares at Paulie]

Peter 'Beansie' Gaeta:
Hey, Tony. You OK?

Tony Soprano:
Yeah, yeah.

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
You sure, T? You're being kinda quiet.

Tony Soprano:
Well, it's 'cause, uh, "remember when" is the lowest form of conversation.

Tony Soprano:
[gets up and leaves]

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano:
Guy comes home with a bouquet of flowers for his wife. "I guess I'll have to spread my legs now.", she says. "Why?", he asks, "don't ya have a vase?".

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano:
What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market? "Good morning, ladies."

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano:
[to Warren] I saw your girl today at pet therapy. How she keep her coat so shiny?

Peter 'Beansie' Gaeta:
[about Paulie] Back in the day, 70's, f***in' 80's, you didn't make a move in North Jersey without this one up your ass.

Anika:
[laughs] I wasn't even born yet.

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
Please. Wanna talk about stand-up guys?

[points to Beansie; everyone is quiet because Beansie is wheelchair bound]

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
Sorry, Beans.

Anika:
How do you know Peter?

Tony Soprano:
Who Peter? Beansie? An old friend from the neighborhood.

Anika:
So the other guy, the one with the white hair thingies, what's his name again?

Tony Soprano:
Paulie. [grimaces]

Anika:
Right. What is he, like, your best friend?

Tony Soprano:
He say that?

Anika:
I just figured the way he was talking. Honestly, I thought he was your dad at first.

Tony Soprano:
There was a time when I wished he was. He used to work for my dad.

Anika:
I know he told me.

Tony Soprano:
[looks angry]

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano:
Two fags decide they want a baby. So they jack off in a cup, use the sperm to get a lady friend of theirs pregnant. Nine months later they go to the hospital. They see all the babies in the nursery. "Look," they say, "Our baby's the sweetest one. He's not even cryin' at all!". Uh, uh... Goddamn it, what the f*** is it?

Carter Chong:
"Now he's not crying," the nurse says, "Just wait till we get the pacifier out of his ass."

Tony Soprano:
You know, no offense but you ever had yourself checked for Tourette's?

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
What?

Tony Soprano:
Tourette's Syndrome. Seriously. "Heh, heh. Heh, heh." Maybe you got a tic or somethin'?

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
I don't know. Like some people grind their teeth. When I'm nervous, tense or somethin'.

Tony Soprano:
[Referring to Paulie] you should've seen him out there, he could handle himself his got the balls of twenty year old, his my friend but can't stop, his such s bladder mouth, he asks me not tell anyone about his prostate I say "sure" then he tells everybody

Peter 'Beansie' Gaeta:
He was always like that, You forgot, one time I fell asleep while he was on the phone, I wake up twenty minutes later and he was still going

Tony Soprano:
I've got to say, it concerns me lately

Peter 'Beansie' Gaeta:
People live alone and they get like that it's sad

Tony Soprano:
[Referring to Beanie's wife] you married a good woman the way she stood by you?

Peter 'Beansie' Gaeta:
That's what Paulie doesn't have and I'm speaking to your point, his got no wife and no kids

Tony Soprano:
His got so steady income stream either, except for Barone which is coming to an end, I told him if you can't legitimate income your vulnerable to the Feds he don't do sh*t about it

Peter 'Beansie' Gaeta:
I think you're worrying for nothing

Tony Soprano:
Things are going great finally, maybe I'm just waiting "for the other shoe to drop"

Peter 'Beansie' Gaeta:
All I know is Paulie Gualtieri is a standup guy

Tony Soprano:
Has he been ever to the test? He had this painting in his house, I was all dressed up as a general

Peter 'Beansie' Gaeta:
[laughing] I heard about that

Tony Soprano:
It pissed me off I thought it was a f***ing joke but now I don't think it was

Peter 'Beansie' Gaeta:
He loves Tony, your all his got, you, the guys, and his image

Tony Soprano:
I love him too

Carmela Soprano:
He's a good man. He's a good father.

Dr. Krakower:
You tell me he's a depressed criminal, prone to anger, serially unfaithful. Is that your definition of a good man?... You must trust your initial impulse and consider leaving him. You'll never be able to feel good about yourself. You'll never be able to quell the feelings of guilt and shame that you talked about, so long as you're his accomplice.

Carmela Soprano:
You're wrong about the accomplice part, though.

Dr. Krakower:
You sure?

Carmela Soprano:
All I did was make sure he's got clean clothes in his closet and dinner on his table.

Dr. Krakower:
So "enable" would be a more accurate job description for what you do than "accomplice". My apologies... Take only the children - what's left of them - and go.

Carmela Soprano:
My priest said I should work with him, help him to become a better man.

Dr. Krakower:
How's that going?

Corrado Erico 'Uncle Junior' Soprano:
Anthony is a c*nt hair away from owning all Northern Jersey - and I am that c*nt hair.

Carmela Soprano:
I thought psychiatrists weren't supposed to be judgmental.

Dr. Krakower:
Many patients want to be excused for their current predicament because of events that occured in their childhood. That's what psychiatry has become in America. Visit any shopping mall or ethnic pride parade, and witness the results.

Carmela Soprano:
What we say in here, stays in here, right?

Dr. Krakower:
By ethical code, and by law.

Carmela Soprano:
His crimes... they are, organized crime.

Dr. Krakower:
The Mafia!

Carmela Soprano:
Oh Jesus. [wipes tears from her eyes] So what? So what? He betrays me every week with these whores!

Dr. Krakower:
Probably the least of his misdeeds. [Carmela gets up to leave] You can leave now, or you can stay and hear what I have to say.

Carmela Soprano:
You're gonna charge me all the same.

Dr. Krakower:
I won't take your money.

Carmela Soprano:
That's a new one.

Dr. Krakower:
Have you ever read Crime and Punishment? Dostoyevksy? [Carmela shakes her head 'no'] It's not an easy read. It's about guilt and redemption. I think your husband ought to turn himself and read this book in his jail cell and meditate on his crimes every day for seven years, so that he might be redeemed.

Carmela Soprano:
I would have to get a lawyer, find an apartment, arrange for child support...

Dr. Krakower:
You, you're not listening. I'm not charging you because I won't take blood money, and you can't, either. One thing you can never say is that you haven't been told.

Carmela Soprano:
I see.

[Chrissy catches Paulie sniffing Adriana's panties]

Christopher Moltisanti:
[angry] Motherf***er!

Adriana La Cerva:
What?

Christopher Moltisanti:
Nothing.

Furio Giunta:
You got a bee on-a you hat.

Tom Fiske:
[of AJ's latest paper] The usual. Solidly below average.

Robert Wegler:
So, what? A "C"?

Tom Fiske:
Oh, that's a little generous for 10% insight, 90% Cliff Notes.

Silvio Dante:
[of Tony Blundetto's finding a large bag of cash] From now on, when anybody steps in a pile of sh*t, it will be known as a "Blundetto"!

Sungyon Kim:
So, Blondino. Why you f*** me like this?

Tony Blundetto:
F*** you talking about? I got a whole leg coated with neosporin, I just spent an hour with the cops, explaining how it went down.

Sungyon Kim:
I don't forget you professional criminal.

Tony Blundetto:
Lemme ask you something. If I really wanted to rob you, you think I'd have to put up with *this* bullshit?

Sungyon Kim:
Well just so you know. [opens desk drawer revealing a gun]

Tony Blundetto:
I didn't take your truck. I lost my study guide, my f***ing flash cards. I'm sick of this f***ing prejudice against ex-cons.

Sungyon Kim:
I never hire you if I no need Tony Soprano for union! Not for him, I show you the f***ing window!

Carmela Soprano:
The funny thing is, I was sure he was gay. He sort of reminded me of you.

[playing Monopoly]

Janice Soprano:
Boardwalk. I own it.

Tony Soprano:
And you blew guys under it.

[playing Monopoly]

Janice Soprano:
[reading card aloud] "Second prize in a beauty contest collect $10." Go ahead, make your stupid joke.

Tony Soprano:
I got nothing to say.

Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri:
Think I'll buy a railroad.

Tony Soprano:
A German shepherd's shaved a**hole won first prize.

Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri:
Oh! You're talkin' about my wife.

Tony Soprano:
You married her.

Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri:
It's my home. No more talkin' like that.

Janice Soprano:
It's OK, Bobby.

Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri:
Stay outta this! You Sopranos. You go too far.

Tony Soprano:
Alright, you know, Jan, he's right. I'm sorry. I crossed the line. I apologize. Won't happen again.

Tony Soprano:
[quietly begins singing "Under the Boardwalk"] Under the Boardwalk. With a schlong in Jan's mouth. Under the...

[Bobby punches Tony in the face. The two have a fistfight]

Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri:
My pop bought this place 'cause it was close to Canada. He had ties to Montreal. You know, Tone. And his father, my grandpop, come into the country originally through Montreal illegally.

Carmela Soprano:
No kidding. He wasn't Ellis Island, your grandfather?

Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri:
Nah. Got mixed up in some shenanigans on the other side. Anti-government or somethin'. Had a police record... They oughta build a wall now though. I'm tellin' ya.

[everyone nods]

Carmela Soprano:
Amen.

Tony Soprano:
My estimate, historically? Eighty percent of the time it ends up in the can like Johnny Sack. Or on the embalming table at Cozzarelli's.

Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri:
Don't even say it.

Tony Soprano:
No risk, no reward.

Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri:
I mean, our line of work, it's always out there. You probably don't even hear it when it happens, right?

Tony Soprano:
Ask your friend there on the wall.

Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri:
[laughs] Listen to us. Morbid f***s.

Tony Soprano:
You know, come to think of it, you never popped your cherry in that regard, right?

Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri:
Nah.

Tony Soprano:
Your old man was the f***in' Terminator.

Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri:
I come close. I done other sh*t but... no.

Tony Soprano:
A salut. A big fat pain in the balls.

Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri:
Especially now with DNA evidence. My pop never wanted it for me. Said there were times, with all the worry, that he wished he coulda just stayed in the shop full-time, just cut hair.

Tony Soprano:
To be honest, I'd rather he f***in' shot me than cut my hair.

Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri:
[laughs]

Janice Soprano:
You want to swap family stories Tone? How about the time when Mom and Dad were coming back from the Copa?

Tony Soprano:
That's enough Janice!

Janice Soprano:
[laughing] Mom's hair!

Tony Soprano:
That didn't even happen! And anyway, it's not for public concern!

Carmela Soprano:
What? Oh my God! What?

Janice Soprano:
They were driving back from Manhattan, with Uncle June and his goomar. Oh! What was her name?

Tony Soprano:
Your ass!

Janice Soprano:
That's how we heard the story through her... [remembering] Rosemary. My father's driving, and she's ragging on his ass. You know how she gets. He's been drinking, I guess. And he takes out his gun!

Carmela Soprano:
Oh my God!

Janice Soprano:
BOOM!

Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri:
Holy sh*t!

[Tony looks embarrassed]

Janice Soprano:
F***in' blew right through her beehive hairdo!

[Carmela, Janice and Bobby burst out laughing]

Carmela Soprano:
[laughing] I can't believe you never told me that story!

Janice Soprano:
Yeah! What's the big deal!

Tony Soprano:
'Cause it makes us look like a f***in' dysfunctional family! [cursing] Jesus Christ!

Janice Soprano:
My turn!

Tony Soprano:
[to Carmela] And don't you ever tell the kids that about their grandfather!

Carmela Soprano:
Of course not!

Johnny 'Sack' Sacramoni:
I am accused of being a part of a certain Italian-Amercian subculture.

Warren Feldman:
Why are you in here?

John 'Johnny Sack' Sacramoni:
I've been accused of being part of a certain Italian-American sub-culture.

Tony Soprano:
How was Florida?

Phil Leotardo:
Hot and sticky, like my balls.

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
[misquoting "Spinning Wheel"] Ride the painted pony, let the spinning wheel glide.

Phil Leotardo:
Leonardo was a great Italian and that was our name originally, Leonardo. But many years ago, when my grandpa came over from Sicily, they changed it at Ellis Island from Leonardo to Leotardo.

Boy #3:
Why'd they do that for?

Phil Leotardo:
Because they're stupid, that's why. And jealous. They disrespected a proud Italian heritage, and named us after a ballet costume. [girl raises her hand] Marissa.

Girl #2:
That's for modern. In ballet, you wear tutus.

Boy #2:
It doesn't make a difference.

Phil Leotardo:
That's right, it doesn't.

Phil Leotardo:
That cocksuckin' piece of sh*t Tony Soprano's cousin - I can't even say his name - murdered Billy. And what did I do about it?... My weakness. Sometimes I think it's in my DNA. My family took sh*t from the Merigans the minute we got off the boat.

Butch DeConcini:
Come on, the f*** you talkin' about?

Phil Leotardo:
Leotardo. That's my f***in' legacy... No more, Butchie. No more of this.

Christopher Moltisanti:
It was an idea, I don't know, who knows where they f***in' come from? Isaac Newton invented gravity 'cause some a**hole hit him with an apple!

Warren Feldman:
Let me spare you the awkwardness. I killed my wife. Not that it's any excuse. I had reason to believe she was cheating on me at the time with her chiropractor. Granted, I was abusing cocaine at the time. And alcohol. But I came home one day, shot her four times. Twice in the head. I killed her aunt, too. I didn't know she was there. And the mailman. At that point, I had to fully commit.

Carmine 'Little Carmine' Lupertazzi:
We have this ritual at my house for years, our kids are in boarding school, every night I come from work strip down, jump naked in the pool, Nicole brings me a scotch and water, we sit, relax a little, talk, I go up to bed the air conditioning, she brings me a light dinner on a trey, one night during all that fighting with John, I come home, I'm exhasted, so tired, so tense I skip the pool, I go right upstairs flop on the bed, Nicole comes up with the drink and she says "darling, I think its you took a rest", I say '"yeah I'm gona,we'll take a vacation", she says" that's not what I what I meant, I don't want to be the wealthiest widow on Long Island,I want you to quit now", I'm not ashamed to say this, but she made me cry, that wonderful, loving woman, that dream with my father with the empty box, it wasn't about being boss, it was about being happy.

Phil Leotardo:
Historically, Carmine always said the Sopranos are nothing more than a glorified crew. Plain and simple. We decapitate and we do business with whatever's left. [to Albie] What?

Albie Cianflone:
Nothin'. I agree in spirit but I gotta counsel.

Phil Leotardo:
This thing shoulda been done during John's era.

Butch DeConcini:
They got redundant upper management, bleeds off half the kick. We take 'em out, absorb the whole f***in' thing.

Albie Cianflone:
Take out an entire f***in' family?

Phil Leotardo:
Let me tell ya a couple of three things: Forget Coco, forget Fat Dom who goes over to Jersey and never comes back, forget my brother Billy.

Albie Cianflone:
Phil, Phil, that's not what I'm sayin' at all.

Phil Leotardo:
Anthony Soprano has no respect for this thing. He's never been in the can, not really. Here's a guy who stepped over his own uncle to grab the big seat, his father's brother.

Albie Cianflone:
Please, huh?

Phil Leotardo:
I'm embarrassed. I let him come to the hospital last Christmas, and I took his fat, f***in' hand in friendship.

Albie Cianflone:
Philly, ya had a heart attack.

Phil Leotardo:
Listen to me. They make anybody and everybody over there. And the way that they do it, it's all f***ed up. Guys don't get their finger pricked. There's no sword and gun on the table...

Albie Cianflone:
Phil...

Phil Leotardo:
No, Alb, either it has meaning or no meaning. And the Vito thing, the man harbors a f*ggot.

Albie Cianflone:
It's true.

Phil Leotardo:
Five f***in' Families and we got this other pygmy thing over in Jersey... There's no scraps in my scrapbook... Make it happen.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
That Departures magazine out there. Did you give any thought at all to someone else who might wanna read before you tore out the entire page?

Tony Soprano:
What?

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
It's not the first time you've defaced my reading materials.

Tony Soprano:
You saw that, huh? People tear sh*t outta your magazines all the time, they're a mess. I try to read 'em.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
I don't think I can help you.

Tony Soprano:
Well, change 'em. Bring in some new sh*t.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
I mean therapeutically.

Tony Soprano:
What are you talkin' about? I've only missed three appointments since we had that heart-to-heart.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
The new big thing these days is called psychodynamic therapy combined with Anafranil.

Tony Soprano:
Who?

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
A medication. There's a doctor in Bloomfield you could see.

Tony Soprano:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, OK? Now what the f*** is this? You're, uh, firin' me 'cause I defaced your Departures magazine.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
I'm giving you my considered medical opinion.

Tony Soprano:
OK, I should've asked you for the steak recipe. And missin' sessions, unfortunately, is part of my condition.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
What do you know about your condition? You miss appointments because you don't give a sh*t. About commitments, about what I do, about the body of work that's gone into building up this science!... Go ahead, tell me again I sound like your wife.

Tony Soprano:
Well, if the shoe fits. [Dr. Melfi stands up] We're making progress! It's been seven years!

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
Do you want some names?

Tony Soprano:
[stands up] OK, listen, I'm gonna tell you somethin' and you're not gonna like it. But we can say anything in here, right?

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
Go ahead!

Tony Soprano:
I'm chalkin' this all up to female menopausal situations.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
You're not my gynecologist.

Tony Soprano:
Well, you don't need a gynecologist to know which way the wind blows. [Dr. Melfi opens the door] So, wait a minute. You tellin' me after all this time, after everything we've shared in here, you're cuttin' me loose just as my son got outta the hospital for tryin' to kill himself?

Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
Since you are in crisis, I don't wanna waste your time.

Tony Soprano:
You know, I gotta be f***in' honest. As a doctor, I think what you're doin' is immoral.

[Tony walks out to the waiting room. He exaggeratedly places the page back in the magazine, looks at Dr. Melfi angrily and leaves. She closes the door]

Dr. Plepler:
Whoa, I just found Jimmy Hoffa

Bob Brewster:
Some people would have you believe dinosaurs existed millions of years ago. It's just not true! God created the Earth six thousand years ago. And I tell my kids: 'You have to remember: dinosaurs and human beings lived on the Earth at the same time!'

Tony Soprano:
What? Like the Flintstones?

Bob Brewster:
It's in the Bible!

Tony Soprano:
What about all that Carbon dating stuff? A lot of scientists would disagree with you!

Bob Brewster:
I think you'll find those people all have an agenda, Tony: Evolution, which is Satan's plan to deny God! Evolution and Salvation are mutually exclusive!

Tony Soprano:
Guy next door is a scientist. Think he'd disagree with you big time!

Bob Brewster:
Then that man's not saved!

Nucci:
You didn't go to your mothers funeral? It's a sin.

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
Some mother! Even a rat don't abandon its own children.

Nucci:
Now you should feel sorry for her. Now she's going to have to face St Peter with the stain on her.

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
I hope she rots in hell!

Nucci:
Don't say that!

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
And you, I was your meal ticket. The goose with the golden eggs. Look at this place, who set you up here? Not that f***ing brother of mine! Or Rose! They never provided you with sh*t! Well, your real children can start now. I went without, so you could have. The mink coat, the massage chair from Sharper's Image. The flat screen TV!

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
[moves towards the TV] Two thousand bucks for a woman I don't even know!

[he picks up the TV and throws it out of the window]

Nucci:
Paulie! Paulie... please...

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
You're on your own. I never want to see you again.

[leaves]

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano:
Keep thinking you know everything. Some people are so far behind in a race that they actually believe they're leading.

Silvio Dante:
[losing at poker as Matt Bevilaqua tries to sweep up the crumbs under his chair] What the f*** are YOU doing?

Tony Soprano:
Sil, take it easy.

Silvio Dante:
I'm losing my balls over heeeere! This f***in' moron's playing Hazel? Get the f*** outta here!

Matt Bevilaqua:
I was just trying to sweep the cheese away from...

Silvio Dante:
Why? Why NOW? Leave it there!

Matt Bevilaqua:
I don't know, I was just...

Silvio Dante:
What? [to Tony] Where do you get these f***in' idiots, huh? Where do you get 'em? He's sweeping the cheese, I'm trying ta... [to Matt, shouting] Leave the f***in' cheese there! All right? I love f***in' cheese at my feet! I stick motherf***in' provolone in my socks at night, so they smell like your sister's crotch in the morning! All right? So leave the f***in' cocksuckin' cheese WHERE IT IS! [Scoops the rest of the food from his plate onto the floor] Here, here, here! Go ahead. Have a good time! [Sits back down to make a bet] 800.

Dr. Ira Freid:
Call.

Silvio Dante:
[to Dr. Fried] And why don't you go fix a f***in' dick or whatever the f*** it is you do.

Tony Soprano:
[Meadow refusing to accept a SUV from Tony as a gift] You don't want it? Fine, don't take it but I'll eat it before I give it back what am I a sucker? The guy owed me money and he did the right thing and offered the car as partial payment, you want to act holier than now? You right ahead but I'm not giving it back ,I'm going to take it and sell it to P*ssy and use the money to buy clothes and food and shoes and cd players and all the rest of this sh*t I've been buying since the day you were born, everything this family has comes from the work I do a grown man made a wager, he lost he made another one, he lost again end of story, so take that high moral ground and sleep at the f***ing bus station if you want

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
[Rolling down his window after having been pulled over] What'd ya hear what'd ya say

Cop:
License and registration please

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
[Pulls out a gun] how about I give you one of these instead?

Cop:
I'm wearing a vest

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
Oh yeah, if I shoot, it's going into your bragiole [laughs]

Cop:
You're a real sick f***, you know that? [laughs]

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
How's your family?

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
Not bad, I had to move my father to another old folk's home...

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
I got my own f***ing problems [laughs]

Cop:
You're a real f***ing hard on, you know that? How many times am I going to fall for that? [laughs]

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
[Hands him a wad of money]

Cop:
Do me a favor your friends and players, they don't f*** with the tourists and the employees, and no gun shots otherwise we've got to take the call

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
Yeah, yeah, go play cops and robbers

Richie Aprile:
Oh what, you gonna cry now?

Janice Soprano:
What'd you do with him?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
We buried him. On a hill. Overlooking a little river. With pine cones all around.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Those who *want* respect, *give* respect.

["Big P*ssy" is spying on Christopher and speaking into a dictaphone]

Salvatore 'Big P*ssy' Bonpensiero:
Searchlight Diner. 5:15 AM. Subject has still not left location. Sun comin' up.

["Big P*ssy" calls FBI Skip Lipari]

Skip Lipari:
Lipari.

Salvatore 'Big P*ssy' Bonpensiero:
This is Fat Man.

Skip Lipari:
Who?

Salvatore 'Big P*ssy' Bonpensiero:
You know...

Skip Lipari:
Sal?

Salvatore 'Big P*ssy' Bonpensiero:
I just heard about they're gonna jack a load of these "Pokieman" cards. Moltisanti and another individual.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
My future brother-in-law is causing a serious problem.

Silvio Dante:
How serious?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
He's not satisfied with the current leadership. He wants to have me popped.

Silvio Dante:
That motherf***er.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
So now I gotta decide what to do about him.

Silvio Dante:
I genuinely don't think there's anything to gain by keeping him around.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Get it done.

Christopher Moltisanti:
It's going to be a while before I eat anything from Satriale's.

Christopher Moltisanti:
[Christopher is annoyed that a bakery clerk is ignoring him and serving another customer] You touch a single f***in' crust, you're gonna wish you took that job at McDonald's!

Christopher Moltisanti:
You ever feel like nothin' good was ever gonna happen to you?

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
Yeah. And nothin' did. So what? I'm alive, I'm survivin'.

Christopher Moltisanti:
That's it. I don't wanna just survive. It's says in these movie writing books that every character has an arc. Understand?

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
[shakes head]

Christopher Moltisanti:
Like everybody starts out somewheres. and they do something, something gets done to them and it changes their life. That's called an arc. Where's my arc?

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.:
Is it true that the Chinese invented spaghetti?

Tony Soprano:
Now think about it. Why would people who eat with sticks invent something you need a fork to eat?

Tony Soprano:
Look at you. [rubs Chris' head] I bet you're sleeping all the time, right?

Christopher Moltisanti:
It's the only thing I still enjoy.

Larry Boy Barese:
Oh, Mama Livia. Come sta, darling?

Livia Soprano:
Listen to him with that 'my darling'. I am nobody's darling.

Larry Boy Barese:
[to Tony] This one here, she never disappoints, I tell ya that.

Livia Soprano:
Are you still seeing your other women, Lorenzo?

Carmela Soprano:
[pulls her away] Come on, Ma. Let's mingle.

Tony Soprano:
Sorry. The older she gets the worse she gets.

Salvatore 'Big P*ssy' Bonpensiero:
[to Christopher] You know who had an arc? Noah.

Counter Boy:
You motherf***er! You shot my foot!

Christopher Moltisanti:
[walking out] It happens.