Monk, Season 6

[Natalie tries to convince Monk to take part in an SFPD bachelor auction.]

Natalie:
Don't you want to be a team player?

Monk:
No.

Natalie:
Don't you want to appear to be a team player?

Monk:
Sure.

[Natalie is trying to shoo Marci away]

Marci Maven:
Look, I really have to see Adrian, it's an emergency!

Natalie:
Yeah, that's what you said last year, Marci, but when he got in the car, you locked the door and tried to drive him to Corpus Cristi!

Marci Maven:
It was Thanksgiving!

Monk:
It's possible-there's a chance-she's not crazy. I mean, she's crazy, but she might not be wrong.

[Marci trots towards him with her arms spread.]

Monk:
[shrinking away] Clue hug?

Natalie:
Take it like a man.

[Marci's dead dog Otto is being framed for a murder]

Marci Maven:
You're the detective, you figure it out! You do it all the time. The police have a theory and they think it's cut-and-dried, and then you come in and do your thing, like in "Mr. Monk and the Astronaut" or "Mr. Monk Goes Back to School"-oh, you remember that one?

Monk:
No! Where are you getting these names?

[last lines; Marci has sent her box of memorabilia back to Monk. He finds the troll doll]

Monk:
Oh look, it's you. [Natalie finds the bobbleheads of Monk and Marci]

Natalie:
[as Marci] "Oh, Adrian, I adore you! You're so amazing!"

Monk:
All right...

Natalie:
[as Monk] "Thank you, Marci. I think you have excellent taste. How would you like to be my new assistant? You can follow me around and worship me all day."

Monk:
All right, it wasn't like that...

Natalie:
[as Marci] "And let's seal the deal with a great big clue hug! Clue hug! Clue hug! Clue hug!"

Monk:
Cut it out, will you? I know it's you!

Natalie:
[following him out of the room] "Oh, don't go away, I just want a little clue hug! Clue hug, clue hug, clue hug!"

Monk:
What's up, Killa?

Murderuss:
What is this, good cop, demented cop?

Monk:
Let me give you the 4-1-1-that's the information.

Murderuss:
I am not going to be putting a bomb under somebody's town car. You know me, I'm up close and personal, face-to-face.

Lt. Disher:
Well, not according to this. [produces a CD, which he puts down on the table] Track 4. A little song called "Car Bomb."

[imitates rapping]

Lt. Disher:
"Ch, ch, ch. I put the bomb in your limo, that's what the surprise is / Under your seat, like Oprah giving prizes." Sound familiar?

Murderuss:
Not the way you do it.

Lt. Disher:
Yeah, well, I wasn't really performing it.

Murderuss:
Look, you got to be one of the whitest white boys I've ever met. And I've met Kevin Costner.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Randy's upstairs talking to our medical examiner in rap.

Monk:
Why?

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
I learned a long time ago not to ask Randy why he does anything.

Peter Magneri:
He threatened me once-at a zoning meeting. Hit me with a microphone.

Monk:
He's a nudist! That's what they do, they... they hit people with microphones.

[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher have told Arlene Boras about why she killed her roommate]

Arlene Boras:
You don't have any...

Natalie:
...Proof? [shows Peter Magneri's X-ray] Mr. Monk found this. It was behind the toilet.

Monk:
[grimaces] Behind your toilet!

Monk:
[about nudists] Let's ship them all back!

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Ship them back where, Monk?

[Monk and Natalie tell Randy about their suspicions about Linda Fusco]

Natalie:
Randy, what we're about to tell you is absolutely confidential; you cannot repeat it to anybody.

Lt. Disher:
Are you in love with me?

Natalie:
What?! No!

Monk:
I think Linda Fusco killed her partner.

Lt. Disher:
What? I can't believe that. There's no way, Monk.

Natalie:
Am I in love with you?!

[Monk and Natalie are talking to Randy to see if he has any ideas on how to beat Linda Fusco's alibi]

Natalie:
Maybe she had a jetpack, like in those James Bond movies.

Lt. Disher:
There's no such thing as a working jetpack. Don't ask me how I know.

Monk:
Randy, do you have any ideas? One of your crazy theories?

Lt. Disher:
My crazy theories, like what?

Natalie:
Like me being in love with you?

Lt. Disher:
Oh, do you think that's crazier than Linda Fusco flying across San Francisco in a jetpack?

Natalie:
Too close to call.

Monk:
[pushes the button for the interrogation room speakers] Excuse me, could you fix the blinds, please?

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
I don't feel like it.

Monk:
I wasn't asking you, ma'am, but I'm going to have to ask you to fix the blinds.

Helen Hubbert:
Who is that?

Monk:
I'm with the FBI [pause], in Washington D.C., [pause] watching you on my computer [pause] screen.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Don't listen to him, ma'am, he is not in Washington...

Monk:
Ma'am, I'm gonna have to ask you to fix the blinds, and while you're at it pick up the Styrofoam pieces scattered about the room.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
He is not a federal agent.

Monk:
Yes, he, I am.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
No, he's not! He's an ex-cop who hates himself, and hates his life, and isn't happy unless EVERYBODY ELSE IS AS MISERABLE AS HE IS!

Monk:
Miss Hubbert, I'm sure you wouldn't want us to inform the school board about your little drinking problem.

Helen Hubbert:
How, how?

Monk:
How?! We're the FBI, that's how!

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Oh, for God's sakes, he can see the flask in your pocket!

Monk:
And I'm sure you wouldn't want the IRS to know about your second job. You have been moonlighting as a waitress, haven't you? Have you been reporting all of your tips?

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
He's looking inside your purse! He can see your wad of singles! [looks towards Monk and Natalie] Hey, hey! Mr. FBI-Man! Here. [takes a shoe and smudges it against the glass pane of the interrogation room] What do you think of that?!

Monk:
Leland, you can put this woman away for the rest of her life. Linda Fusco will still be guilty.

[Monk and Natalie walk away]

[Linda is showing Natalie around an apartment]

Linda Fusco:
Where's Adrian? I thought you two were always together.

Natalie:
Oh, he does something every Wednesday.

Linda Fusco:
It's Thursday.

Natalie:
And Thursday. You know Mr. Monk, he can't just hang around. He has to go back and check his work.

Monk:
[about Natalie's motorcycle] Where did you get that?

Natalie:
From a biker friend of mine. I did him a favor once.

Monk:
What kind of favor?

Natalie:
Do you really want to know?

Monk:
No.

Natalie:
[about Julie's new relationship] Mr. Monk, would you talk to her?

Monk:
What? [Monk is standing on a chair and unscrewing the cover for an air vent]

Natalie:
Please! I don't know who else to ask! There's no man in her life!

Monk:
[looks around desperately] What about him? [points at Mr. Morissey]

Natalie:
Mr. Morrisey?

Monk:
Kids respect landlords. I think it's the keys.

[He finishes removing the vent screws with a screwdriver and moves the cover aside to find a handgun and ammunition stashed inside.]

Mr. Morissey:
What is it?

Monk:
It's a .22 caliber. Why didn't he bring this gun?

Mr. Morissey:
So he had another gun.

Monk:
But there's-there's no ammo for a .38 caliber. It's all for this gun. [He puts the gun back] I don't think he had another gun. [Natalie stands on another chair to be at the same height as Monk]

Natalie:
Mr. Monk, this is important to me! Julie loves you, you know that. You're like family!

Monk:
Natalie, I can't, I-I just can't! Why don't you ask the Captain, or anybody else? When it comes to this particular issue, I am probably the least qualified person in North America...

Natalie:
That's what makes you perfect! You waited for Trudy, you were faithful, you respected her! You're a wonderful role model.

Monk:
Huh?

Natalie:
...In this particular case.

[Monk is giving Julie "the talk"]

Monk:
[loudly] We certainly have had a very productive talk. [edges toward the door] This is the end of the talk...

Julie Teeger:
Mr. Monk, wait. How do you know if what you're feeling is real?

Monk:
[whispering] What are you doing?

Julie Teeger:
No, I'm serious. When you met Trudy, how did you know?

Monk:
Julie, listen, this is not real. It's just for your mother. I'm not really here, you understand? [Julie starts to cry] [Monk continues, still whispering] No, no, please, don't cry. I can't leave if you're crying. [louder] What you're feeling is perfectly normal! [whispering] What you're feeling is probably normal.

Julie Teeger:
It's just... how did you know?

Monk:
All right... [gives her his handkerchief and sits down] I used to wonder the same thing. And when I met Trudy, I said to myself, "now I see. Now I see why I'm here."

Julie Teeger:
Was it wonderful?

Monk:
Yes. I loved falling in love with her. Every morning of every day, I fell in love with her again. I think what your mother has been trying to tell you is, don't worry. All your dreams will come true. But they don't have to come true this weekend, right? You can take your time. You can wait...

Julie Teeger:
Until I find Trudy?

Monk:
Just wait for Trudy. Believe in Trudy. Trudy will come.

[Stottlemeyer and Disher are viewing a blurry surveillance tape of the courthouse lobby]

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Randy, they're two blurs. Even for blurs, they're blurry! Can you make it bigger?

Lt. Disher:
Well it's already enhanced.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Well, that could be anybody! That could be Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers.

Lt. Disher:
But they're both dead.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Ginger Rogers is not dead.

Lt. Disher:
Yeah, I'm pretty sure she is dead. I'm sorry. Even if she wasn't. What would Fred and Ginger be doing in the courthouse?

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
I'm not saying it is Fred and Ginger, I'm just saying that y-you can't tell who or what they are!

[Disher presses play on the tape]

Lt. Disher:
Look. [uses a marker to circle two blurs passing each other on camera] Right here. See? He comes in. They shake hands. That is definitely Rob Sherman.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
[notices the marker in Randy's hand] Is that a permanent marker?

Lt. Disher:
No, it will rub off. [Stottlemeyer attempts to rub the marker off the monitor, with no success]

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
I don't think so. [Randy also makes a bad attempt at getting the marker to come off]

Lt. Disher:
Have you seen the new screens? Pretty beautiful. Flat.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
You're worse than Monk. [walks out of the room]

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Okay, let's go over it again, from the top.

Lt. Disher:
[reading from his notebook] OK. Husband, Robert Sherman, owns expensive rug. Intruder's shoes indicate he wiped his feet.

Natalie:
Why would a kid breaking and entering bother to wipe his feet?

Monk:
Because he wasn't breaking and entering! They knew each other. It was a setup.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Maybe...

Lovely Rita:
[from the corner, handcuffed to a chair] Maybe the kid, the intruder, was planning on stealing the rug, and didn't want to scuff it up.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
[wryly] Thank you.

Lovely Rita:
Anytime.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Maybe he planned on stealing the rug.

Lt. Disher:
Okay, what about this? The phone in the bedroom was unplugged.

Lovely Rita:
That doesn't mean anything. I unplug my phone all the time, if I want to sleep, when I'm going to bed...

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
She's right. Doesn't mean anything.

Lt. Disher:
Well, how about this? The wife's slippers.

Natalie:
Right, the husband said she went downstairs because she was cold. If she was cold, why wouldn't she put on her slippers? [pause. Everyone turns to look at Rita]

Lovely Rita:
Well, she wasn't really cold. She just said she was cold. She was really going downstairs to... get a bite of that chocolate cake in the refrigerator.

Monk:
What chocolate cake?! Who are you?

Lt. Disher:
This is Rita DePasque, aka "The Lovely Rita." She's a material witness on a knife fight downtown.

Lovely Rita:
Alleged knife fight. Alleged. I love that word.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
The Lovely Rita has a point, amazingly enough. Any hotshot lawyer could explain away that entire notebook.

Monk:
That's true but if you look at the picture, the big picture, I mean, it's plain as day! He's the guy.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Was the wife insured?

Monk:
No.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
So where's your motive?

Lovely Rita:
Wake up! [scoots her chair over] You've got two people, living under the same roof. One of them wants the other one dead. Believe me, I know.

Monk:
He didn't love her! I was there when the M.E. wheeled out the wife. All he cared about was the rug.

Lovely Rita:
You're cute.

Monk:
No, I'm not.

Lovely Rita:
You ever unbutton that top button?

Monk:
Uhh...

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
There is one problem with your theory: they never met. We checked their records - their bank records, their emails, their phone records. We talked to their friends - There is no connection between Rob Sherman and Dewey Jordan.

Monk:
Look, I know I've seen them someplace.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Where?

Monk:
I don't know. Just somewhere. It's driving me crazy.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Well, they lived in different worlds. [hands them one file] Here's Dewey Jordan's rapsheet - 19 arrests, 12 convictions: bad checks, drugs; a couple of burglaries. [hands over another file] And in sharp contrast, here is Mr. Sherman's jacket - one arrest - one in his entire life: driving with a suspended license.

[Monk and Natalie are trying to return ashes to several cremation urns they have accidentally spilled]

Natalie:
Wait! What are you doing? [Monk is pouring some ashes from one urn into another]

Monk:
It's not even.

Natalie:
Mr. Monk, those are people! Maybe they weren't the same size!

Monk:
Well they are now!

[They finish cleaning up just as Sherman and the funeral director come up]

[One of Troy Kroger's teenaged friends is admiring Natalie]

Ridley:
How old do you think she is?

Troy:
34, maybe?

Ridley:
That's twice my age.

Pez:
So, when you're 60, she'll be 120!

[Monk and Troy are playing 20 Questions while trapped in Troy's car after Steven Connolly buries the car under a pile of gravel]

Monk:
Mineral. It's a mineral.

Troy:
[Pause] Is it gravel?

Monk:
[Crying] Yes, it's gravel. Gravel! It's gravel! It's everywhere!

[Randy tries to justify to Stottlemeyer his reasoning as to why he would like one of the dead bank robber's coupons]

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
What are you getting at?

Lt. Disher:
Circle of life.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
That's The Lion King.

Lt. Disher:
Yes, I know, but instead of a lion, it's me, and instead of a baby cub, it's a diet coke.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
All right, Randy, I'll let you have the receipt, on one condition: you know what you just said about the lion and the baby cub and the diet coke? You don't ever repeat that as long as I am alive. Understood?

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
We hit a wall on that West Bay Trust robbery. I wanted to run a couple of things by you. We could have done this yesterday, but you were on your little road trip. What was that all about?

Monk:
Oh I was helping Dr. Kroger's kid with his homework.

Lt. Disher:
Troy?

Monk:
Yeah, the kid needs a role model; somebody to look up to.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
What, you're gonna help him find one?

Natalie:
Actually, Mr. Monk did a great job yesterday. He was like a big brother, you would've been proud of him. [Randy starts sipping from his 44 ounce soda cup. Stottlemeyer grabs a pen from his cupholder and pokes a hole in the side of the cup, which starts leaking]

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Let's do this. We've got surveillance video from the bank. [takes a VHS tape out of its case and plugs it into the TV, while Randy uses his finger to plug his cup] Here we go.

[The tape starts playing]

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
[narrating the events on the screen] Wednesday, 9:18 in the morning. Two Caucasian males enter the Vinton Street branch. They pistol-whip Steven Connolly, the assistant branch manager. [As he says that, said event is shown on the tape, though a railing partially obstructs the camera's view]

Lt. Disher:
And guess who his brother is: "Happy" Jack Connolly. Remember him?

Monk:
Uh-huh. [A guard comes out and fires a shot at the men]

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
9:21, it all hits the fan: the security guard gets off one round. This one - the guy in the green ski mask - gets hit, we think in the chest. [The guard is promptly killed by return fire] They kill the security guard, grab the cash. Two minutes later they're gone. Yesterday - Thursday - we find one of them in a parking lot, dead as dust. [hands them a file with a photo of the dead robber]

Natalie:
From the gunshot?

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Nope, this is the other guy: Mr. Black Ski Mask. It was a heart attack; one cheeseburger too many. We found blood in the backseat, but no body, no footprints.

Lt. Disher:
And no money.

Monk:
Double cross?

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Maybe. Or somebody else found him. Could've been some kids, hanging out, skateboarding. [Randy starts slurping from his soda again] We traced the car. Mr. Black's name was Tony Gammelobo, single, 47, lived in Daly City. [Irritated by Randy's slurping, Stottlemeyer pokes another hole in his cup] Did four years in Arizona. Ring a bell? [Monk sits down, realizing something]

Monk:
He was 47? [He has a flashback to Pez trying to buy beer at the minimart, saying "I'm totally 47!"] You said there were kids?

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
It's possible, we're checking it out. [Randy starts sipping again]

Lt. Disher:
Yeah, whoever it was, they cleaned him out, wallet, cell phone, everything.

Monk:
What kind of cell phone?

Lt. Disher:
It was, uh, we found the charger. [takes one hand off his leaking cup to pull the charger out of his pocket] Yeah it was a Motorola.

Monk:
Wha-what do they look like?

Lt. Disher:
[plugging his cup again] I've got the same model. It's in my pocket. [Natalie pulls the phone out of Randy's jacket pocket. Monk becomes disturbed]

Natalie:
Are you okay? [Monk has a flashback to Troy's friends using an identical phone to take a picture of the "X" at the quarry]

Monk:
Uh, I-I-I-I just remembered something. I have to go.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
You're leaving?

Monk:
Yes, I-I have to talk to Troy about something. [He heads for the door]

Natalie Teeger:
I'll go with you.

Monk:
No, no-no-no, this is between me and him. You stay here. I'll call you. [He rushes out of the office]

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
What was that all about?

Natalie:
I don't know. [Randy starts sipping loudly again. Having had enough, Stottlemeyer pokes a hole in the bottom of the cup, causing it to spill all over Randy's shoes]

Lt. Disher:
I don't care. Free refills for life. [walks out of the office, the cup still leaking heavily]

[Two kindergarten kids want to give Harold a poster of him as he is walking with Joey]

Kindergarten Teacher:
They wanted to give you this. [hands Harold and Joey a poster]

Little Girl:
It's a picture of you!

Harold Krenshaw:
That's me, huh? [Looks at the sketch of him] Well, I hope not! Look at the size of my head!

Joey Krenshaw:
I'm surprised you can stand up! [They laugh together. Harold notices a bridge]

Harold Krenshaw:
And what is that?

Little Boy:
The Golden Gate Bridge.

Harold Krenshaw:
Really? What's keeping it up? Magic? Because I don't see any suspension cables! Joey, you got a pen? [to the kids] What's the matter with you? [takes a Sharpie and draws a few suspension cables onto the kids' drawing of the Golden Gate Bridge] NOW it's a bridge.

Joey Krenshaw:
It's basic physics.

Kindergarten Teacher:
They're only six years old.

Harold Krenshaw:
They're not gonna learn any younger. That's what my Uncle Ronnie always says.

Joey Krenshaw:
[notices an unusual looking black object in the upper left corner] What's this? A bird? My God, it must be 20 feet long!

Harold Krenshaw:
Yeah! It looks like Mothra! Remember that old movie? [Harold and Joey scream and snarl like the birds in the movie in question. The kids recoil, terrified]

Kindergarten Teacher:
[nervously] You're on the school board?

Harold Krenshaw:
Yeah. [Joey's cell phone rings]

Joey Krenshaw:
Hello?

Dr. Levine:
Mr. Krenshaw?

Joey Krenshaw:
' That's right.

Dr. Levine:
This is Dr. Levine calling from Reno. You wanted me to call if there was a change in your uncle's condition. I'm afraid it doesn't look good. You might want to think about coming home to say goodbye.

Joey Krenshaw:
How long does he have?

Dr. Levine:
Five days, maybe a week. I'm sorry, sir.

Joey Krenshaw:
Thank you, doctor. [He walks back over to Harold, who in this time has written all sorts of comments over the kids' poster] All right, kids, you've got your notes. Why don't you go back to school and try again? [Hands the poster over to them]

Harold Krenshaw:
That was nice. Who was that [on the phone]?

Joey Krenshaw:
Cousin, that was money calling, endorsement money. You ever heard of Neptune Energy Bars?

Harold Krenshaw:
No.

Joey Krenshaw:
Well, they've heard of you. They want to pay you $10,000 to be in their next commercial.

Harold Krenshaw:
Really?

Joey Krenshaw:
Yeah, they're on a tight schedule. They need to shoot tomorrow morning. You think you're up for it?

[Randy is reciting the burned out car's VIN to the Captain so he can enter it into a database search.]

Lt. Disher:
First letter, "T" as in "tsunami".

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
"Tsunami"?

Lt. Disher:
Silent "T".

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
What? No. "T" as in "Tom". Just say "Tom".

Lt. Disher:
What's the difference?

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
It doesn't... The "T" is silent.

Lt. Disher:
It's not completely silent. "T-sunami".

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
All right. All right. Let's go.

Lt. Disher:
Second letter, "P" as in...

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
..."P" as in "Paul".

Lt. Disher:
No.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Too late. I typed it. "P".

Lt. Disher:
Yeah, but the person reading the letters gets to say the word. That's how we do it.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
That's how who does it?

Lt. Disher:
Society. We live in a society.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Yes, we do, Randy! Meanwhile, the "P" has been sitting on my screen for ten minutes!

Lt. Disher:
Fine. "P" for "Pam". No! "Panavision". "Tsunami", "Panavision", next letter, "L".

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
"L".

Lt. Disher:
As in... No, we'll come back to that one.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer:
No, we can't come back to it, Randy! [the phone rings; Stottlemeyer answers.] Whoever this is, thank you very much for calling.

[Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher are heading to a scene; Randy is wearing Captain America pajamas]

Monk:
Let's go.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Should we take my car or your invisible plane?

Lt. Disher:
That's Wonder Woman.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Well, maybe we can borrow it. Why don't you give her a call?

[Monk, Natalie and Julie are stuck in gridlock]

Monk:
Oh, I hate Christmas.

Julie Teeger:
How can you not like Christmas?

Monk:
Well, you wouldn't like it either, if you hated it as much as I did.

Julie Teeger:
But it's so joyful!

Monk:
Don't get me started on joy. When you're older you'll understand. Joy is a trick, a diversion. It doesn't last forever. It breaks your heart every time. [honks the horn and yells out the window] DAMN JOY!

Monk:
[trying to tell his side of the story] I can be as offensive as your father.

Natalie:
I'm sure you can.

Dr. Charles Kroger:
So, before Trudy, what was Christmas like for you?

Monk:
Bleak... depressing... the pain was unrelenting, thank you for asking.

Dr. Charles Kroger:
Adrian, they can't all have been that bad.

Monk:
Pick a year.

Dr. Charles Kroger:
Uh... 1964.

Monk:
1964, good choice. 1964... Mom was sick. Dad was... Dad was Dad. Ambrose locked himself in the basement, he's no fool. That Christmas I got one present - a walkie talkie.

Dr. Charles Kroger:
[being positive] Well, those can be fun. I had a pair of walkie talkies once...

Monk:
Not a pair. One walkie talkie. Dad said I only needed one because I had no friends.

[Monk and Natalie notice Michael Kenworthy and Monk begins to give chase]

Monk:
Call the Captain! Tell him to stop the orange truck!

Natalie:
Where are you going?!

Monk:
I'm going after Santa Claus!

Natalie:
[after him] No! Mr. Monk, no! Mr. Monk, are you sure?! I mean, a hundred thousand percent sure?! It's hard on me, too!

[Monk and Natalie are being interviewed by Brandy Barber after Monk takes down Michael Kenworthy]

Brandy Barber:
The Star Of Bethlehem, a symbol of hope and peace to millions of people around the world, would have been lost to the world forever, had it not been for the courage of one man, former police detective Adrian Monk. Adrian? Brandy Barber, Channel 6 News.

Natalie:
Yeah, we remember.

Brandy Barber:
How does it feel to be an American hero?

Monk:
He's a... bad Santa. Very bad, bad, Santa. Bad, bad, bad Santa.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
[about Amanda Clark] She became a member of the world's oldest profession.

Monk:
Stone mason, huh?

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
No. Prostitute.

Ralph Roberts:
[handing Monk the book of the Siblings] Take it, and read. The more you read, the more you know. The more you know, the less you don't know.

Lt. Disher:
[holding the Siblings of the Sun book] Monk, have you even read this thing?

Monk:
Have you?

[Dr Kroger enters to find Randy shirtless and singing the cult's song with Monk.]

Dr. Kroger:
Randy? Randy? [Randy looks up, then leaves] Somebody keep an eye on Randy?

Monk:
[about Father] I love him. He taught me what love really means.

Dr. Kroger:
You used to say that about Trudy, Adrian. What do you think she'd say if she were here?

Monk:
We sure showed him.

Natalie:
Yeah, we did. You did great, Boss.

Monk:
Oh, God! Did you stop that check?

Natalie:
Yeah, I already called the bank.

Monk:
We sure showed him.

Natalie:
Yeah, we did.

[Monk is sitting on the floor in a locked bank vault.]

Monk:
I'm gonna die, right here.

Natalie:
No, you are not!

Monk:
You're right. [stands up and points] I'm gonna die over here. I call this spot. The rest of you can die over there.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
That's it. Monk is no longer the morale officer.

Natalie:
[spots Randy, who has frozen still as he practices to become a Living Statue] Randy? What are you doing? [no response] Hello? Are you all right? [She walks in a circle around him, but he is still frozen] Oh, my gosh... tickle, tickle, tickle! [tickles Randy hoping that he will react] All right... [starts to walk away, then turns back and jumps off the floor and onto Randy's shoulder. He still doesn't move!] I'm gonna take these two pencils, and I'm gonna stick them up your nose. [puts one in one nostril] Pencil number one. [puts one in the other nostril] Pencil number two. [Still no response from Randy, who now looks like a frozen walrus with pencil tusks] Our tax dollars at work.

[Disher tries to question a Living Statue performer with no success]

Lt. Disher:
Excuse me. Lieutenant Disher, SFPD. You've got a pretty good view of the bank from here. We're investigating a robbery that took place earlier this morning. [the Living Statue doesn't hear him] Sir? [pause. Still no response] Sir, this is official police business. It will just take a minute. [takes out his badge and flashes it] If you're not too busy. [pause. Still no response] OK, I know you can hear me. Look, I just saw you blink. You blinked. [Randy tries to startle the performer in hope that he will react; the performer doesn't move a muscle] Oh I get it! [He waves a dollar bill in front of the performer, and then drops the bill into the performer's collection box] Normally, we don't pay for information! So, what time did you arrive at the park this morning, sir? [Still no response] OK, you know what, pal? I can get a crane here in 20 minutes, lift you up and drag you downtown.

[the Living Statue's alarm goes off, and he steps off his pedestal, indicating that it's his break time]

Living Statue; It's my break, man.

Lt. Disher:
Well, thank you. That's more like it.

Living Statue:
[groans] This is my job! I mean, how would you like it if I came to your office and [screams and waves his hand in front of Randy's face] in your face, huh? [He yells in anger again] Was I here? Yes, I was here. I've been here all day. I'm here every morning. Even Sundays.

Lt. Disher:
Good. Did you see anything unusual at around 9:00?

Living Statue:
Yeah. I, I saw a guy. About 5' 10", green hoodie. He was hanging out, pacin' around. Looked kinda nervous, and then, he went inside.

Lt. Disher:
Good. Did you see his face?

Living Statue:
He had his hood up. Sorry.

Lt. Disher:
Okay. Hood up. And then what happened?

Living Statue:
Oh, about 10 minutes later, the alarm went off. And I saw...

[his break alarm goes off, signalling the end of his break. He steps back up on his pedestal and freezes in place]

Lt. Disher:
What? Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing? [No response. Disher laughs for a second] No, no, no, no! No, no, no. Don't. Don't do that. [pause] Hey, we're not done here. What did you see?

[Stottlemeyer talks to the bank employees]

Peter Crawley:
Where do I start?

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Well the gunman came in at 9:05, let's start at 9:04.

[Monk, Stottlemeyer, and Disher arrive at the second Julie Teeger crime scene in a cruiser]

Natalie:
It's not her!

Monk:
Another Julie Teeger? That's impossible!

Capt. Stotlemeyer Very nearly. [They start walking towards the body]

Natalie:
But this one is totally different; it was an accident. She was a graduate student, she was on her bike, and some guy just hit her and kept on going.

Monk:
But her name? Her name is definitely Julie Teeger, spelled the same?

Lt. Disher:
You know, actually, these things happen all the time. I once took this course in statistics; there was this woman in Michigan. She won the lottery; the next day, she got bit by a shark.

Monk:
And what does that prove?

Lt. Disher:
I don't know. I ended up dropping the class.

[While Monk looks at the body, Stottlemeyer looks at the extensive damage Natalie has put on his new car, namely the smashed-in hood]

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
What the hell happened? It was only two miles.

Natalie:
I took a shortcut. I... cut across the creek.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
There's no bridge across the creek!

Natalie:
I know.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
There is no bridge across the creek.

Natalie:
Yes, I know.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
There's no bridge across the creek.

Natalie:
Captain, I am sorry. I will pay for everything.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
It's okay. It's insured. [tries once more to get a smudge off the battered hood of the car]

Lt. Disher:
Yeah remember, sir, that you did say any parent would have done the same thing.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Uh-huh. I think I need to be alone.

Natalie:
Here. [She bangs the hood down, but it doesn't fit. She and Randy walk away to join Monk by the body]

Lt. Disher:
What is it?

Monk:
Her bike. She has the all the safety features - flashers, two mirrors. She was obviously very careful.

Natalie:
So?

Monk:
So what was she doing on the wrong side of the road? [Monk pulls a flower petal wedged into the bike frame, and realizes that it comes from a bush in the grass a few feet away. Walking over, he finds a set of tire tracks.]

Lt. Disher:
Monk? Check this out. [Monk comes back]

Monk:
What is it?

Lt. Disher:
It's a bruise. It's square.

Monk:
It's from a trailer hitch. [to Natalie and Stottlemeyer] Captain, he chased her across the park. He hit her. And then he backed up to finish her off.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
He backed up?

Monk:
He ran her over. This was no random accident.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
We've got two homicides, same name, on the same day.

Monk:
Someone is killing Julie Teegers? [Natalie is now horrified]

Natalie:
Oh my God!

[Julie is with her driving instructor. She turns onto another street, disregarding the stop sign]

Mr. Carlson:
Miss Teeger, what are you doing?

Julie Teeger:
Turning.

Mr. Carlson:
I could've sworn we just passed a stop sign. I guess I must be imagining things. Just pull over. [Julie pulls over]

Julie Teeger:
Sorry. I didn't see it.

Mr. Carlson:
I can understand that. They hid it so cleverly... on top of that big post. [pause] All right, Miss Teeger, let's be adventurous. Let's try a three point turn. Now what's the first step?

Julie Teeger:
Pray. [Carlson glares at her] I'm sorry. I'm just kidding, that was a joke.

Mr. Carlson:
You might want to save all of your prayers for your driving test tomorrow. [Julie starts to pull into the street to make a three point turn] Hold on. [Julie stops] What are you forgetting? [pause] Your blinker.

Julie Teeger:
Oh, it's no big deal. There's no one around.

[Three police cars immediately emerge from around the corner, sirens wailing, and screech to a halt in front of Julie's car]

Julie Teeger:
OK, I'm using my blinker! My blinker's on! [Natalie jumps out of the cruiser]

Natalie:
Julie! Julie, thank god!

Julie Teeger:
Mom? [She rolls the window down a little bit. Natalie opens the door and quickly gets Julie in the back of the cruiser] What's going on?

Natalie:
You have to come with us right now!

Julie Teeger:
Oh my God! It was just a blinker!

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Any ideas?

Monk:
I don't know. I don't know.... OK. Maybe a hit man was paid to kill Julie Teeger, but he doesn't know what she looks like.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
And he's killing all of them? Monk, that doesn't track! The M.O.s are so different: the housewife was stabbed and the graduate student was run down.

Monk:
Okay, okay, you're right, that doesn't make any sense... [Disher comes in]

Lt. Disher:
Captain. Monk. I've got two ideas. Which do you want first?

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
The one that will make me less pissed off. [Randy sets a file down on the desk]

Lt. Disher:
Theory A. I remember this old case - Matthew Teeger, 35 years old. The guy's been committed twice for acute schizophrenia and delusions.

Monk:
Any arrests?

Lt. Disher:
Yeah, assault. Three years ago he attacked his stepfather. He said he was defending his mother. Apparently he's obsessed with her. Guess what her name is? [Stottlemeyer lifts up the page in question]

Monk:
Julia Teeger.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
A history of violence and a mother obsession.

Monk:
I like it.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
I like it, too. Let's talk to this guy.

[Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher leave the squad room]

Monk:
[to Randy] What about your other idea? You said you had two?

Lt. Disher:
Oh, yeah... well, it's a just a theory, just brainstorming.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
[looks at the DVD in Randy's hand] The Terminator? What, you think he might be a robot assassin sent from the future?

Lt. Disher:
Well, he was killing women with the same name. Forget it.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
[imitates Schwarzenegger] "Sarah Connor, come with me if you want to live."

Lt. Disher:
Uh, that was T-2.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Well, maybe we could lure him to a smelting plant on the outskirts of town. [They get on the elevator]

Lt. Disher:
Can I have that back, please?

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
[still imitating] "And things of this nature..."

[Monk walks upstairs to a bedroom in Matthew Teeger's house, and sees Julia sitting in a rocking chair with her back to him]

Monk:
Mrs. Teeger? Julia? Don't be afraid. I'm with the police, ma'am. We think young Matthew may be involved in some things. Do you know where he is, ma'am? We just want to talk to him. [No answer] I... excuse me? Are-are you okay?

[He looks again, and sees the chair is rocking because of a breeze from the open window]

Monk:
Are... are you dead?

[He picks up a hairbrush with a tissue and edges forward]

Monk:
Please be alive... please be alive... please be alive... please don't be one of those skeleton ladies... [The camera angle reveals that it actually is a skeleton. Monk nudges the chair with the hairbrush. The figure pitches forward, and a glass eyeball plops to the floor]

Monk:
Please be dead! Please be dead! [he drops the handkerchief, disgusted]

[Cuts to Monk in Dr. Kroger's office]

Monk:
[grabbing a tissue] I just want to thank you again for seeing me on such short notice. Were you sleeping?

Dr. Charles Kroger:
No, no, no, happy to do it.

Monk:
Your wife wasn't too happy. I could hear her in the background.

Dr. Charles Kroger:
No, Madeleine is fine. It's part of the job and she knows that.

Monk:
Does she have Tourette syndrome?

Dr. Charles Kroger:
[thinking for a while] Yes! Yes she does. So, uh, a glass eyeball?

Monk:
The mother died three months ago, the son never reported it.

Dr. Charles Kroger:
Now, hang on, did the son kill the mother?

Monk:
Well the doctors say no. It was a heart aneurysm. Her son, Matthew, is an amateur taxidermist. He stuffed her body, carried her from room to room, like nothing happened.

Dr. Charles Kroger:
Yeah, I've heard of cases like that. You see, he couldn't function without her. And they call it radical cognitive bonding.

Monk:
At least I never dug Trudy up and had her stuffed and mounted, right?

Dr. Charles Kroger:
Yes, and I've always been very proud of you for that.

[Randy has been disguised as Matthew Teeger's mother as part of a sting operation, with Monk, Stottlemeyer and a technician handling the operation from the back of a van]

Police Technician:
Tape is rolling. [sneezes] Could you hand me a Kleenex? [Monk hands him one]

Monk:
Kills 99.9% of all cold and flu viruses. Only 99.9. [A scratching noise is emitted over the wire]

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Randy, what are you doing?

[Cuts to upstairs, where Randy, dressed in drag and a gray wig and sitting in a rocking chair, is adjusting his bra]

Lt. Disher:
My bra's itching. How do they walk around in this stuff?

Police Technician:
This is a new low.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Actually, it's not a new low. That's the sad part.

Lt. Disher:
[through his wire] He's never gonna buy this.

Monk:
Dr. Kroger thinks he will. Matthew Teeger has suffered a pure psychotic break, he's in complete denial. His mother never died, not to him.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
The important thing is that we keep him talking.

Lt. Disher:
What if he has a knife?

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
He's right. We need a code, a phrase, in case he's in trouble.

Lt. Disher:
Uh, how about, "Mother of God, he has a knife!"?

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
No it has to be covert. It has to sound conversational, sound natural.

Monk:
How about this: "I wish there were ten of them."

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Ten of what?

Monk:
Of anything.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Well, you see, Monk. I don't think anyone would say that.

Lt. Disher:
I've heard people say that.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Look, here's the phrase: "Better late than never."

[Monk is painting in Natalie's living room, with all her furniture and stuff gone.]

Natalie:
Mr. Monk, where is my stuff?

Monk:
Outside.

Natalie:
Well, what if it rains?

Monk:
Then your stuff will get wet. Art requires a little sacrifice.

Natalie:
[notices that her curtains are missing as well] What? And my curtains?!

Monk:
I need the light! Eastern light! C'est finis!

[Natalie is suspicious about Petya Lovak]

Natalie:
Yeah, Mr. Monk, I've been doing a little research on your friend Petya. I Googled him. At least, I tried to, and there's no record of him anywhere.

Monk:
Natalie, people like Petya--important people, wealthy people--they are un-Googleable.

Natalie:
No, Mr. Monk, it doesn't work like that. It's not like an unlisted phone number.

Monk:
Un-Googleable! End of discussion.

Lt. Disher:
[accidentally knocks over some junk, thinking it's a booby trap] BOOBY TRAP!

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Randy! RANDY! It's not a booby trap! It's a spider's web.

Bennie Wentworth:
What's going on? Did you break this [bike]?

Lt. Disher:
Sorry.

Bennie Wentworth:
You break it, you bought it. That's the rule.

Natalie:
It's a junkyard. How do you know if something's broken?

Bennie Wentworth:
I know. I can tell. Look. [picks up bicycle] This wheel is all bent! $40 bucks!

Lt. Disher:
$40 bucks. No way.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
[to Bennie] Mr. Wentworth, this is Adrian Monk and Natalie Teeger. They're helping us out. I was wondering, could you go over the whole thing again, please?

Bennie Wentworth:
Go over what? The guy was on my property, he tried to rip me off. He got what was coming to him, end of story. [back to Randy] I tell you what. Give me $20 bucks, we'll forget about the whole thing.

Lt. Disher:
I'm not paying for it!

Monk:
What was he doing here? Mr. Wentworth, what do you think he was after?

Bennie Wentworth:
I don't know. Maybe he needed a carburetor. People need carburetors.

Monk:
He was wearing a $2,000 suit. And those are Italian shoes. I think he could afford a carburetor.

Bennie Wentworth:
Maybe he stole the suit. That's possible, isn't it? Maybe he stole the shoes! Maybe he's on a spree.

Monk:
The suit, the shoes, the carburetor. What kind of spree is that?

Bennie Wentworth:
I don't know. An eclectic spree?

Natalie:
Do you have any enemies?

Bennie Wentworth:
None that I can think of, except for this guy the bicycle thief [points at Randy accusingly].

[Benny makes another attempt at reasoning with Randy]

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Randy, give him five bucks.

Lt. Disher:
Fine.

[He takes out his wallet and hands Bennie Wentworth five bucks]

Monk:
I wonder what happened to his partner.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
What partner?

Monk:
It's a dirt road out there. Very little dust on his shoes. Somebody must have dropped him off. Maybe they took off when they heard the gunshot.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
[to Randy] Secure the road. Tell the crime scene techs to check for tire tracks. [Randy starts to walk away] Randy! Your bike!

[Randy reluctantly picks up the broken bike and carries it with him]

[Natalie is carrying Monk's ugly portrait of her and about to throw it onto the burning pile of canvases]

Lt. Disher:
Natalie, what are you doing? Hey, HEY! What are you doing? [He wrestles Monk's ugly portrait from Natalie]

Natalie:
Randy, let go! Come on, let me burn it!

Lt. Disher:
[holds up his hand] It's evidence! Secret Service are on their way. It's the only painting we have left. It's going to be Exhibit A.

Natalie:
Exhibit A?!

Lt. Disher:
Yeah! It's big news, Natalie! It's going to be one of the most famous paintings in the world!

Natalie:
You're right. You're right, I'm sorry.

[Natalie puts her hands over her eyes to give herself "fresh eyes" to look at the painting. She turns away, and suddenly, she turns and runs back and tries to wrestle the painting from Randy once more.]

Natalie:
Ow! Burn it! BURN IT!

Lt. Disher:
[grabs Natalie, and turns to the other cops] Grab that painting!

Natalie:
[shrieking] OWWW! BURN IT!

Monk's lawyer:
Your Honor, my client is not a flight risk. For fourteen years he served the City of San Francisco honorably as a police officer. He still has friends in the department, some of whom are here today and prepared to testify on his behalf. I would also like to point out that, even if he wanted to flee, my client doesn't drive. He also has an obsessive fear of airplanes... and boats... and trucks... and trains.

Monk:
I didn't shoot him. He was my only lead. I'd have to be crazy!

Sheriff John Rollins:
Yeah, well, if "I'd have to be crazy" was a valid defense, we could rent our jails out for birthday parties.

Judge:
Bail is set at $900,000.

[Monk whispers to his lawyer]

Monk's lawyer:
Uh... with the Court's permission, could you make it an even million?

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Oh, my God!

[From a payphone, Monk tells Stottlemeyer about how Rollins set him up]

Monk:
He broke into my house before the shooting...

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
And raided your refrigerator?

Natalie:
[makes a smoothie with a power drill. She puts lots of random items that one would not normally put into a smoothie into the blender. Then, under the excuse that her blender broke, she uses the power drill to blend together the ingredients. When completed, the result is a very repulsive looking liquid. She takes a sip] Just what I needed.

Lt. Disher:
[notices oil in the liquid] Is that oil?

Natalie:
That is oil. It's uh, it's from the ground so it's organic, and it just... lubricates your organs. [puts down the glass and picks up the drill] Um, I'll just be washing up. I'll be right back. You can have it.

[She leaves. The sound of the shower comes from the bathroom, to cover up the sound of her drilling Monk's handcuffs off]

Natalie:
Quiet! He's still in the kitchen. [takes the uniform out of the bag] It's Mitch's uniform. It's all that I had.

Monk:
Oh no. I can't wear that.

Natalie:
Mr. Monk, he'd want you to.

Monk:
No, it's all dusty.

Natalie:
You were wearing a hobo's trench coat!

Monk:
OK. [He prepares to put on the uniform]

Natalie:
[gives Monk a wad of money] Here. Money.

Monk:
Is this all you had?

Natalie:
It's a week's paycheck! I was supposed to get a 5% increase in January...

Monk:
Okay, okay, okay. We'll talk about that later. [Natalie hands Monk several wads of Kleenex]

Natalie:
Here's some Kleenex. They're anti-viral. It's a sick world out there.

Monk:
Natalie, thank you.

[A mover is packing Monk's belongings up]

Mover:
Was he a professor?

Natalie:
No, a detective. An amazing detective. He could look at a room or a person and see things that nobody else could see.

Mover:
Like the Car Wash guy.

Natalie:
What "Car Wash guy"?

Mover:
That guy in Nevada. I was just reading about him. [stops packing up belongings and picks up a newspaper] Here, in today's paper. They call him the Car Wash Columbo. Solved a big hit-and-run case single-handedly. [pauses] Boy, he sounds like a real character. Boss says that it takes him a whole hour to wipe down every car. He won't even use the same rag twice. [Natalie stops, realizing something]

Natalie:
Can I see that? [she looks at the article] There's no picture.

Mover:
I guess he's modest, too.

Natalie:
[reading the article] "Leland Rodriguez". [puts down the paper, angered] His name is Leland?!

[Natalie confronts Stottlemeyer in private]

Natalie:
It's him, isn't it? [Stottlemeyer drops his hand in defeat, no longer able to cover the story up. Natalie breaks down, sobbing] Oh, my god. Oh my god! [Natalie's sorrow quickly turns to anger and she punches Stottlemeyer in the chest]

Natalie:
Why didn't you tell me?!?

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Natalie! Natalie! Natalie! Natalie! [She calms down, but still glares hatefully at him] I am so sorry.

Natalie:
You're sorry?!?! But how?

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Bulletproof vest. We couldn't tell anybody. [looks at the newspaper] Leland Rodriguez, huh?

Natalie:
That's his name!

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Well that's just stupid!

Natalie:
What's he doing in Nevada?!

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
He's supposed to be avoiding attention; staying off the radar!

Natalie:
He's all alone?!

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Natalie, you can't tell anybody. You can't tell Randy; you can't even tell Julie!

Natalie:
Randy doesn't know?

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
No. I'm trying to protect him.

Natalie:
From what?!

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
I'm not sure. There's something going on here. That Sheriff Rollins, he framed Monk for shooting the six fingered man. You were there! They were gonna send Monk away forever! And it's not just Rollins: Rollins is working for somebody, may-maybe somebody in the Governor's office!

Natalie:
Oh my God!

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
It may go higher than that. I'm not sure. I'm still working on it! I just need a little more time!

Natalie:
I have to see him. [She starts to walk out, but Stottlemeyer grabs her arm]

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Natalie, leave him alone. He's safe where he is. You have to promise me you're not going to do it. Promise me.

Natalie:
I promise. [Cuts to Natalie hurriedly packing a suitcase]

Lt. Disher:
[practicing his funeral song for Stottlemeyer] "Why? [strings a few chords] Tell me why... did a good man have to die? / Shot down.... in his prime... 48...49..." [Stottlemeyer, by this point annoyed at the fact that the song has 15 verses and does not appear to be ending anytime soon, cuts him off]

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Randy, he's not dead! [Randy stops] We faked it. Monk jumped off the pier. [mimics splashing] He was wearing a bulletproof vest.

Lt. Disher:
He's alive? He's alive.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Yep, he's in hiding, until we figure out what the hell's going on.

Lt. Disher:
I can't believe it!

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
You okay?

Lt. Disher:
Yeah, I'm thrilled. Yeah, yeah, I just...

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
You look disappointed.

Lt. Disher:
Th-this is the best song I ever wrote.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Well, save it. It's a great song. He's gonna die one day.

Lt. Disher:
Oh, yeah. You're not gonna shoot him?

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
You never know.

[Monk is cleaning up the car wash for the night after the other workers leave him; Natalie arrives]

Monk:
[trying to hide his face] Hola, senorita.

Natalie:
Mr. Monk, I know it's you. [she takes out a wipe and runs toward him]

Monk:
What's with the wipe? Why do I need a wipe...?

[she hugs him and smothers his cheeks with kisses, then wipes them down]

Natalie:
Oh, God! Why didn't you tell me?

Monk:
To protect you. We thought Rollins might be watching you.

Natalie:
Oh, that's ridiculous! Why would Rollins...? [Rollins suddenly appears from behind Natalie]

Sheriff John Rollins:
Adrian, don't move a muscle! Show me your hands! You too, Ms. Teeger. Oh, you are knee-deep in it now, buddy.

Natalie:
You're the one who's in trouble! We know all about how you framed Mr. Monk and switched the gun barrels! [Monk tries to shush her] If anybody is going to prison, it is you!

Monk:
[dryly] Thanks for stopping by, Natalie.

Sheriff John Rollins:
Let me tell you about the real world, Natalie: it's never about what happened. It's always, "can you prove what happened?" [to Monk] All right, Adrian, we've done this before. On the ground, face down.

[Monk starts to lie down, then yells and kicks an oil drum at Rollins. It rolls very very slowly, before coming to a stop a few inches short of Rollins's feet]

Sheriff John Rollins:
What was that?

Monk:
It was, uh... supposed to... supposed to go faster.

[He shuts off the power and then he and Natalie run]

Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck:
What did you win, Monk? Nothing! We're both back where we started.

Monk:
Not exactly. The police in Dourado found something in Frank Nunn's apartment. Some old letters. He talked about killing Trudy. He mentioned the man who hired him.

Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck:
You have a name!

Monk:
Not quite. Nunn called him "The Judge."

Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck:
The Judge... I can't help you, Adrian.

Monk:
Can't? Or won't?

Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck:
A little lead... how exciting! That should keep you off the street for a while.

Monk:
The important thing is, that you're off the street.

Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck:
[laughs] Do you really think these bars can hold me?

Monk:
[taps one with his shoe. It doesn't budge] Yeah. They seem pretty strong.

...

Monk:
Have a good life, Dale. [turns and walks away]

Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck:
It's true, Adrian Monk! I'm in prison! But you're in a worse prison! You're trapped! Trapped by your own demons! You're in your own private hell! I wouldn't trade places with you for a billion dollars! I mean, another billion dollars!

[Monk turns the corner, meets Natalie, and they walk away]

Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck:
You hear me?! Come back here! I'm not done!

Monk:
Oh, yes you are.

Monk:
[on the nudists] You defending them?!

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Monk, this is San Francisco! There's a million weirdoes out there! Some of them are wearing clothes, some of them are not. And yes, I am defending them. That's what this means. [pats his badge] We defend them. I spend a lot of my time, too much of my time, trying to keep bigotry and racism out of this department.

Monk:
I am not a bigot--

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Well, I don't know what else to call it, Monk! You wanna put this guy away for the rest of his life because he makes you uncomfortable. Look, you've always had issues. But this isn't just another quirk or phobia, like, uh, your fear of clowns or round things. This is different. This is new. And weird. And ugly.

Monk:
First of all, I'm not afraid of round things--

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Monk, you're a great detective. Look at it like it's a mystery. There's something going on here. Something's going on inside of you. Figure it out, detective. I don't wanna see you back here until you do.

Monk:
[Monk inadvertently fulfills Brandy's wildest fantasies by looking straight into the camera and saying] I just wanted to say some children watching. I did not shoot Santa Claus. That man was not Santa Claus. There's no such thing as Santa Claus.