Robot Chicken, Season 4

Edward:
Steve, you and your wife are wonderful hosts. I'm being sincere.

Steve:
You know, Julie, I don't think you ever got a tour of the house.

Julie:
You're right.

Steve:
Well, come on.

[Steve and Julie go upstairs giggling]

Edward:
More apple pie for us, huh?

Steve's wife:
Oh, you. [Doorbell rings] Who could that be?

[She opens the door]

Fanfare:
[singing] Trojan Man!

Trojan Man:
[on horseback] Excuse me, madam, but I am needed upstairs!

Steve's wife:
Steve!

[Trojan Man rides upstairs, with Edward and Steve's wife following. The following dialogue is unseen]

Fanfare:
Trojan Man!

Steve:
Keep it down.

Steve's wife:
I knew you acted weird around Julie, you bastard!

Trojan Man:
Put this on your penis.

Steve:
Get off! Get off me! Get off me!

Edward:
Julie, how could you?!

Julie:
My clothes just fell off.

Trojan Man:
Her vagina will appreciate your forethought!

Edward:
Will you shut the f*** up already?! Shut up!

Steve's wife:
I am leaving you!

Fanfare:
Trojan Man!

Edward:
Hey, watch the horse! That was my grandma's- [Crash] Oh, no, you broke it!

Trojan Man:
That would never happen to a Trojan condom.

Fanfare:
Trojan Man!

Edward:
[crying] You said my problem didn't bother you.

Julie:
It doesn't. I mean, Edward, this doesn't change anything.

Edward:
It changes everything!

Trojan Man:
A reservoir tip is for your semen!

Julie:
I got to get out of here.

[Julie leaves the house, with Edward following her]

Edward:
You're a whore! You ruined my life, you whore!

[Long pause]

Trojan Man:
I guess I'd better go.

Fanfare:
Trojan Man!

Steve:
[as Trojan Man rides out] Yeah, why don't you just get the f*** outta here? How about that?

Fanfare:
Trojan Man!

Trojan Man:
[leaving a box of condoms] Just in case.

Announcer:
For when you wanna f***! Yeah!

Wonder Woman:
You young heroes are so much more than mere sidekicks, you're the future of Justice League of America. Mentoring your progress gives me enormous amount of pride.

[steals Wonder Woman's suit and heroes gasped]

Wonder Woman:
Whoa! What the f***?!?

[Kid Flash giggles]

Wonder Woman:
Give me those you little shitstain!

Flash:
I am very, very disappointed in you, boy. [whispering] Super-speed high five.

[Justice League Heroes waves a good-bye for young heroes to teleport and they fell down in a volcano on another planet. Justice League Heroes gasped]

Wonder Woman:
What happened?

Martian Manhunter:
It wasn't me! Martian Boyhunter did it!

Man 1':
Hey, who packed my chute?

Man 2:
I did. Why? Don't you trust me?

Man 1:
Are you gonna jump, or are we just gonna jerk each other off?

[Long pause. Cut to outside shot of the plane and the door slides shut]

[Man shoots a werewolf with a handgun to no effect]

Werewolf:
Only a silver bullet can kill me.

[Man pulls out a minigun and shoots the werewolf to a bloody pulp. He mops it into a bucket, pours gasoline on it, and sets it on fire. When he gets home, he chops the resulting ashes into lines and snorts it like cocaine, after which he violently craps it into a toilet. The crap is processed in a sewage treatment plant. Cut to three kids playing Dungeons & Dragons in a basement]

Dungeonmaster:
The book says he's still not dead. It has to be a silver bullet.

Knight:
That's a bunch of crap!

Annie:
Leapin' lizards Molly! It sure is a hard knock life -

Molly [interrupting]:
Actually we're very lucky Annie.

Annie:
Being an orphan sure don't feel lucky.

Molly:
Then try being an orphan in the Phillipines where hundreds of thousands of orphans are forced into prostitution thanks to sex tourism. In Africa, AIDS has created millions of orphans who won't live to see puberty.

Annie:
Well...I sure don't like that mean ol' Miss Hannigan - !

Molly:
What don't you like exactly? 3 meals a day? A warm bed? Not being HIV positive? Not perfoming fellatio on foreign business men?

Annie:
[silent, taken aback]

Molly:
That's what you don't like?

Annie:
Uhh...I think I'm gonna go sweep over there for a while Molly.

[Annie walks to her right to where Pepper is washing clothes in a bucket.]

Annie:
Gee, Pepper! Miss Hannigan sure is mean!

Pepper:
Yeah! I hate that bitch!

[TIME JUMP:
6 months later]

Daddy Warbucks:
We sure had a grand adventure Annie! Your quick wits and spunky can-do spirit saved us all! Is there anything my limitless power and billions of dollars can do for you?

Molly's voice:
Overseas orphans! Fellatio on foreign business men! HIV and AIDS!

Annie:
Hmm...nope!

Mario:
You know, Donkey Kong, at $137 a barrel, this is a tremendous a-waste. (takes a barrel) I keep it a-now.

Singer:
I wanna rock! [A rock is thrown at him]

[In the land of Oz, Dorothy is departing wth the help of her ruby slippers]

Dorothy:
There's no place like home, there's no place like home...

[She disappears as the Scarecrow, the Tin Man, and the Lion bid her farewell:
the Wizard appears]

Wizard:
Is that Kansas skank gone? Sweet! Back to business as usual.

Lion:
But why?

Wizard:
Ooh, remember when I said I was a very bad wizard? Well, case in point. Ha! [Shoves his hand into Scarecrow's forehead, removes his brain]

Wizard:
I'll just take that brain back!

[The Wizard's men push Tin Man into a trash compactor, which compacts him into a cube; his heart pops out, and the Wizard begins to eat it]

Lion:
B-b-but my courage, i-it's more of a concept, really.

[Cut to the Lion as a taxedermy rug in the Wizard's parlor, with the Tin Cube being used as an adaman and the Scarecrow's body re-stitched as a wall decoration]

Wizard:
*sigh* It's good to be the Wizard.

Guard:
Sir, Glinda the good witch is here.

Wizard:
Bring me my rape shoes.

Linus Van Pelt:
I love geography day! I got Italy

Lucy Van Pelt:
I got Russia

Charlie Brown:
I got Iraq

Joker:
I hear you're a man can get things.

Black Manta:
Well, that depends.

Joker:
I need a large poster of Phyllis Diller.

Black Manta:
That may take time.

Joker:
Time's the one thing I've got. [long pause] Well, that and dementia.

Announcer:
And now back to Living Lohan.

Dina Lohan:
Ali, who drank all the f***ing orange juice?

Ali Lohan:
I don't know mom, maybe the f***ing Orange Juice Fairy did it!

Dina:
Don't get smart with me!

Ali:
Well, don't you be a big ranting bitch face!

Both:
I NEED A CIGARETTE!!

Dina:
Augh! Why are all these cameras always invading my privacy?

News Reporter:
...and to all you kids under 18 watching Robot Chicken, shame on your parents.

Kid:
I like sharing.

Kermit:
Yeah! Everybody's sharing, that's the way you're supposed to do it.

Kermit:
Hi, ol' Gordo! Everybody, this is my cousin Gordon the Gecko. Gordon is a powerful executive on Wall Street. -What do you think about sharing?

Gordon the Gecko:
-The rich just 1% of this country, Owns half its country wealth. $5,000,000,000,000-

Count von Count:
$1,000,000,000,000! he he he, Two Trill- [Gorgo pushes The Count]

Gordon:
Shut up. Greed, for lack for better word is good, greed works.

Kid:
My dad says being greedy is bad.

Gordon:
Your dad wouldn't know how to pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel. Is Kermit over here sharing with you, - to sit here and sing songs?!

Kermit:
Ok, Gordo! It's time to get back to the office.

Gordon:
See this building behind me, first place I ever bought, flipped it and made $800,000. It was better then sex!

Kermit:
Ok, who wants a share a healthy after-school snack?

Kids:
I want to make 800,000 dollars! (Me too)

Gordon:
First, you have to quit dressing up like 9-year old kids. Lets go buy these (Beep)ers some little suits.

Kermit:
Well, I guess that lesson is brought to you by the number "Douchebag!"

[1984 Libertarian party convention]

Candidate #1:
Thank you, my Libertarian friends, for making us your nominees for president and vice president of the United States of America!

Candidate #2:
1984 is the year of the Libertarian party! We will be champions!

Candidate #1:
Yes, unfortunately, the rock band Queen won't let us play their hit "We Are The Champions", but enjoy this soundalike, which we will play IN THE WHITE HOUSE!

Singer #1:
[to the tune of "We Are The Champions"] We are the victors of the Glo-obe. And we'll continue doing stuff...

[1988 Libertarian party convention, the candidates have longer hair]

Candidate #1:
Four years ago, I said that we would be champions... How wrong I was. Ronald Reagan soundly beat us.

Candidate #2:
In fact we recieved less than one percent of one percent of the vote.

Candidate #1:
But it is 1988 and the country needs to come together like a family.

Candidate #2:
We are family! We are family!

Candidate #1:
Don't worry, Sister Sledge, this is not your copyright-protected musical hit "We Are Family". It's something better!

Singer #2:
[to the tune of "We Are Family"] We are a close-knit group! Co-workers and aquaintances!

[1992 Libertarian party convention, the candidates are noticeably older, and now have wives]

Candidate #2:
Four years ago, we asked America to join our family... America said no.

Candidate #1:
So we decided to make loving families of our own. Who else wants to get on board the love train?

Candidate #2:
Sadly, The O-Jays wouldn't let us use their hit song "Love Train".

Candidate #1:
Even though it expresses every political ideal we stand for!

Candidate #2:
Next stop, the White House.

Candidate #1:
Toot toot! All aboard!

Singer #3:
[to the tune of "Love Train"] Citizens of the Earth (come on). Ride the Friend Choo-choo, ride the Friend Choo-choo (yeah), ride the Friend Choo-choo.

[2008 Libertarian party convention, the candidates are now old men]

Candidate #2:
Well, sadly, not a single voter chose to board the friendship choo-choo. Worse, despite using the soundalike, The OJs still sued us.

Candidate #1:
During the 16-year legal battle, unsavory private matters were revealed, resulting in the spectacular in-court suicide of my beautiful wife, Jennette.

Candidate #2:
My wife Sarah also committed suicide, but, uh, that was unrelated to the trial.

Candidate #1:
These tragedies taught us that life, like voting for a third party, are ultimately meaningless.

Candidate #2:
So, in the end, all we, the Libertarian party, are is "Dust In the Wind".

Candidate #1:
[stammers]

Candidate #2:
I mean, all of us is airborne minidirt!

Candidate #1:
Airborne minidirt, y'all!

Singer #4:
[to the tune of "Dust In the Wind"] All of us is airborne minidirt...

[There are two boats in Gotham Harbor, a yeoman approaches the captain]

Yeoman:
Sir, the whole boat is rigged to explode! And I found this! [displays a detonator. Meanwhile, all the passangers are in the seating area, the intercom turns on]

Joker:
Greetings from the Joker. "Why so serious?" Anyway, we have a boat of civilians and a boat of prison inmates. I will blow up both boats at midnight.

Man #1:
Oh, my God!

Joker:
However, each boat has a detonator that will blow up the opposite boat. If one boat decides to blow up the other boat prior to midnight, I will not blow up the boat that blows up the other boat. It's quite the moral quandary, is it not?

Man #2:
Then let's vote on neither boat blowing up.

GIRL:
No, he said we decide.

Man #3:
Then I decide that neither boat blows up!

CAPTAIN:
Wait, wait...so, we vote?

Woman:
No, we... we just press a button, I think.

Man #4:
I don't understand. What does this prove, exactly?

Man #5:
Uh, Mister Joker, sir? We came to a consensus: we vote that neither boat should blow up. [passengers agree]

Joker:
That's not a choice!

Man #5:
Uh..uh, you better explain it again then, I guess.

Joker:
[sighs] I will blow up both the boats-

Man #1:
Oh my God!

Joker:
- unless, UNLESS, one boat blows up the other boat first.

Man #5:
Uh, w-what are the other options?

Joker:
There are no other options.

Old Lady:
Ask him when both boats blow up.

Joker:
MIDNIGHT! MIDNIGHT! MIDNIGHT!

CAPTAIN:
Alright folks, that gives us a good 15 minutes. Everyone, into the lifeboats!

Joker:
No, no lifeboats! I said that you couldn't use them.

Man #6:
You never said that!

Joker:
I did, way back in the beginning.

Man #5:
You better go over the rules again. [the Joker is clearly exasperated]

Joker:
Oh, for H- it's a catch 22! Look, there are two boats. At midnight- [Batman cuts him off by hitting him with a board.]

John Lennon:
Hey, I have an idea. What's the most important thing in the world?

Ringo Starr:
Acid.

John Lennon:
After that?

Ringo Starr:
Love.

John Lennon:
That's right. Maybe those meanies in the Blue October don't want to declare war. Maybe they want to declare love and defect to Pepperland.

Paul McCartney:
There's only one way to find out. Let's sing a song about love.

Old Fred:
Oh...

Beatles:
Love your love with love... Just love your love with love...

Meanie Captain:
They're singing! Maybe they know we're trying to defect to Pepperland.

Meanie Lieutenant:
Sir, another submarine from Meanie Land followed us! (The camera zooms up to show another sub with red lines on its side. Inside, a Meanie Officer resembling Viktor Tupolev and his lackey are shown.)

Meanie Officer:
Open the glove compartment! Fire! (The enemy sub launches the Dreadful Flying Glove from its front.)

Old Fred:
Another submarine fired a glove at the Blue October!

John Lennon:
I know what to do. Steer our Submarine straight toward the glove.

Old Fred:
You're crazy! We'll all die!

George Harrison:
Who cares? We're just cartoons.

Ringo Starr:
"Spull feed" ahead! [The Yellow Submarine moves toward the glove. Cut back to the inside of the enemy Meanie sub.]

Second Meanie:
Should I arm the glove, sir?

Meanie Officer:
Yes... Yesss! [jumps up and down] No! [The enemy sub launches a missile, which connects with the Dreadful Flying Glove.]

Ringo Starr:
Oh, look, a hole. [Ringo picks up a hole and throws it upward. The armed glove is swallowed up.]

Meanie Officer:
What happened? Why didn't it explode? Periscope! [The periscope is lowered, and the armed glove pops out of it.]

Meanie Officer:
Ohh... f***. [The missile goes off, and the enemy Meanie sub explodes. The Beatles and the Captain cheer on.]

Paul McCartney:
Hole in one, Ringo. How did you know it would work?

Ringo Starr:
I didn't. I'm on acid.

John Lennon:
Way to go, Ringo. Maybe now you can sleep with the groupies first.

Ringo Starr:
Really?

Paul McCartney:
No.

Beatles:
Love your love with love... Just love your love with love... [Everyone starts laughing, chattering, and singing.]

Jim Henson Company Executive 1:
Ah, our Dark Crystal sequel is doomed!

Executive 2:
Well, it's been in development Hell for years. Now theaters don't even want it.

Executive 1:
We need a brand-new take. Something that really tricks kids into thinking they want to see a movie about puppets. [Cut to the next scene, where Jen is wearing a rapper-style outfit.)

Jen:
Yo, whassup, everybody? This is Lil' Jen, aka MC Gelfling! Lemme take you on a little journey! Raise up your glasses y'all, and get ready for the story of the Dark... Cris... tal! [The UrSkeks are seen drinking booze, when suddenly, one of them, driving a car, fires at them, breaking off part of the large bottle in the center. The race is split up into the UrRus and Skeksis, who go their separate ways.]

Jen:
Once upon a time, in the distant land of Thura, there was a huge-ass super-sized bottle of Cristal, living under three suns, all the peoples having fun! They were clinking and drinking, Cristal for everyone, but then there was a drive-by. Oh snap! Hit the deck! It was the Skeksis in a Lexus with a tech! Bottle got wrecked, it split two different races to two different places. The Skeksis headed West with their creepy dead bird faces. The UrRus waited on the East Coast for all their help to come. They were a bunch of Mystics who like to sit around and hum... [The UrRus start humming rhythmically]

Jen:
Ah, yeah. That sound good right there. In step, the prophecy, there's no stopping me! Gelfling's gonna help things, pretty soon we'll be popping C-R-I-S to the T-A-L. Full throttle, fix the bottle and break that spell! [Jen is seen rapping along with other characters from the film.]

Jen and Chorus:
Whole world is ugly, no one's sipping on bubbly, wanna get busy, but without the fizzy, the ladies won't love me. I gotta save the land of Thura, I am far and mystical. Gonna wreck me some Skeksis and go get that Cristal. I went to Aughra and got that cracked up shard of Cristal. Whoo! Then I met Kira and Fizzgig, he was a little fuzzy ball.

Fizzgig:
Whassup, y'all? [Jen and Kira are seen riding on Landstriders, and they encounter the Skeksis. Jen is seen leaping into the air, and places the broken shard onto the bottle. Jen is seen rapping again as the world's former glory is restored.]

Jen:
Jumped on a Landstrider, rode to the castle, faced off with the Skeksis. Man, those dudes are crazy assholes! I put the cracked shard of the bottle back into the right spot! Now the East and West Coasts got back together, and this joint is f***ing hot!

Jen and Chorus:
Yeah, this party's a blast, Cristal's flowing fast. I'm thinking I wanna get up in Kira's ass. We're all having a ball, there won't be no last call. West and East, squash the beef! They're all drinking Cristal. More people still coming, and the Mystics still humming, they go... [The UrRus start humming rhythmically]

Jen:
Yeah.

Chorus:
That's the end of the Dark Cristal...

Jen:
Hoes! [Cut back to the executives, who are standing in front of a portrait of Jim Henson.]

Executive 1:
Well, we failed you, Jim.[The executives commit suicide by drinking poison.]

Executive 2:
Aaah... Sweet... relief...[They stagger off to die.]

[A costumed character known as "The Mockingbird" is sitting bound to a chair, and gets punched in the face. Another character in a bird-like costume is revealed to be interrogating the Mockingbird]

Finch:
Ready to talk, Mockingbird?

[Mockingbird spits out some blood]

Mockingbird:
(mocking) "Ready to talk, Mockingbird?"

Finch:
Aah! I should've seen that coming! Scout, see if the coast is clear!

[A bird-costumed character wearing goggles and a speaker-phone searches, then turns toward Finch]

Scout:
Coast is clear, Finch.

Finch:
Good. 'Cause I'm about to kill a Mockingbird!

[Mockingbird clicks a button on a detonation device, which breaks his bindings. He then kicks Finch in the crotch, then whacks him with the chair, and kicks him a few times more]

Scout:
Jem! Jem! Use your gemstones!

[A character in a red bird costume shows up. Jem fires beams from the gemstones on his wings, effectively killing Mockingbird before he can get away]

Scout, Finch, and Jem:
Yeah!

[The group celebrates, then cut to a classroom. It's revealed that this was all part of a report]

Student:
And... that's my book report on "How to Kill a Mockingbird" by Lee... Harper... Oswald or whoever...

Teacher:
Couldn't even spring for the Cliffs Notes, huh? [The teacher whacks the student upside the head]

James Bond:
I was wrong about you, Christmas Jones.

Christmas Jones:
How so?

James Bond:
I thought Christmas only came once a year.

Christmas Jones:
[giggles] Oh, James.

[They kiss; cut to the secret lab where James enters]

Technician 1:
There he is!

Technician 2:
Oh, I heard you saved the world again!

Technician 1:
So you and Christmas Jones, huh? I can't believe you're tapping that!

James Bond:
Sorry to break it to you, boys. Miss Jones is already yesterday's news.

[Flashback shows James and Christmas riding in the car]

Christmas Jones:
This is me, up on the left.

James Bond:
[getting carried away] Oh, that's odd. I'd have thought you lived on 34th street.

Christmas Jones:
[nervous chuckle] Oh, right, because of...my name. Ha.

[Scene shows James having sex with Christmas]

James Bond:
All right, love, time to dick your halls.

Christmas Jones:
Could you maybe stop doing the pun thing?

James Bond:
I can't believe I made it this far into Christmas without wrapping my present.

Christmas Jones:
Wha-wait a second! I'm not on the pill!

James Bond:
Well, I hope you've been dreaming of a white Christmas.

Christmas Jones:
[pushes James back on the side of the bed] Ugh! I just got a headache.

James Bond:
So, when do I get to meet your friends?

Christmas Jones:
Uh...

[Scene cuts to the club party]

James Bond:
[to the party goers] So I said, "I thought Christmas only came once a year!"

Christmas Jones:
[embarrassed] James...

Female Party Goer:
This guy's a tool.

Christmas Jones:
No, no. He's got a really cool car.

[Scene shows James and Christmas at the restaurant]

James Bond:
You're breaking up with me?

Christmas Jones:
There's nothing wrong with you, James. Maybe it's just an age thing.

James Bond:
What, you think I'm too old for Christmas?

Christmas Jones:
[nervous chuckle] If that helps you, yes.

[Cuts to James, who is drunk, crying for being dumped]

James Bond:
[sobbing; takes out a pen gun, and clicks, but it's empty] Oh, come on! One of these [bleep]ing things has to be loaded! [groans, cries]

[Cut back to the present]

James Bond:
So I just looked at her, and I said, "Well, I'm sorry, dear, but I'm canceling Christmas!"

Technician 1:
Oh, you dog!

Technician 2:
You're always humping and dumping. You're the best, James!

James Bond:
Ah, you know me, I got to be James. [chuckles, whimpers]

Spongebob:
But Sandy! How can you be pregnant? You said you had a sponge in your- [realizing] Oh, you meant me.

[Billy Joel and Davy are at a bar drinking beer]

Billy Joel:
Hey, there. I'm Billy. Billy Joel. What's your name?

Davy:
Davy.

Billy Joel:
And what do you do?

Davy:
I'm in the navy.

Billy Joel:
How long will you do that, do you think?

Davy:
Uh, probably for life.

Billy Joel:
Cool. "Davy" rhymes with "navy." That's convenient.

Davy:
What?! You'd better not use me in a song, man! I'm on the run from a lot of creditors!

Billy Joel:
No problem, Davy. [smiles; prepares to leave when he hits Davy in the head with his bottle of alcohol. Cut to him tossing Davy's body into the sea from a pier with a bar on it] I have absorbed your story, my friend. As the Ancients ate the hearts of lions to gain their strengths! You are one with the Joel now! One with the Joel! [laughs evilly as thunder and lightning clashes]

[A caption then appears saying "Billy Joel's single Piano Man was an international smash hit in 1974." Another caption appears that says "Today it is most downloaded iTunes song." A final caption appears and says "Davy's body was never recovered."]

Prince:
[arrives outside the tower] Ahoy!

Princess:
Is that my prince?! Oh, I knew you'd save me!

Prince:
Stand back, my love. We will soon be together.

Princess:
It won't be long now before my prince takes me in his arms and- [but is hit in the back of the head by the prince's hook which makes her smash into a birdcage] Careful, my prince! You almost- [the prince throws his hook again and it attaches to the her dress and drags her to the window. The hook is thrown in again, but hits the chandelier and shatters it's glass. The shards fall onto the princess and stabs her eyes; making her blind] Aaaahhh!!! It's raining glass! I'm blind! Please, stop throwing the hook! [the hook hits her in the head, and then is hooked to her clothing dresser] Is that you, my prince?! [the dresser falls onto her, smashing and killing her. Blood spills everywhere]

Prince:
[climbing] I'm coming, my dear! [reaches the window and lands on the floor] Ah-hah! Now hurry, my love. We don't have much ti- [seeing the princess' blood splattered as she was crushed to death] Oh, geez! You're not even packed!

[Outside shot of Davey drowning in the bay, cuts to inside where Billy Joel is singing his song]

Billy Joel:
[singing] Pete is a real estate novelist.

Pete [while typing on his laptop]:
Hey, that's me!

Billy Joel:
[singing] That's a cute way of saying "Pete's broke."

Pete:
[confused] What?

Billy Joel:
[singing] I'll laugh at his life while I’m humping his wife,

Pete:
[shocked] Sheila?!

Billy Joel:
[singing] Cause Pete’s tiny shlong is a joke. [Pete looks horrified] My piano, it sounds like God's symphony! And my microphone smells like the poor. [a man puts money in Billy's tip jar] They put bread in my cup and their lives all suck.

Man:
[shocked] Huh?!

Billy Joel:
[singing] If I quit this gig, they lose all interest in living, since life would have no meaning, and they'd blow their brains out on to the floor. [the crowd begins to boo] La, da, di, da, da! [pulls out a gun while singing and the crowd falls silent] La, di, di, dolly da! Down on your knees! I'm the Piano God! Pray to the songs that I've sung! Tell me I'm too good to work here! Then put my balls right on your tongue! [smiles as the song ends]

[Outside the bar, Billy counts his "earnings"]

Billy Joel:
Great. All singles.

Pete:
[off-screen in a creepy voice] Hey Joel.

[Pete comes up from behind and stabs Billy repeatedly until Billy finally falls over dead. Pete wipes his brow and sighs happily. Pete's phone rings and he answers, also happily]

Pete's agent:
Pete? This is your agent! The publishers loved your novel! Time to quit the real estate biz, brother! Oh, by the way, the hospital called, and your wife died of crotch rot. Sorry, man.

[Pete closes his phone. The shot switches to overhead as Pete looks to the sky]

Pete:
POETIC JUSTICE!!!!!

[Tony Stark walks into his home, only to find Nick Fury in it]

Tony:
Who the hell are you?

Nick Fury:
Nick Fury, director of S.H.I.E.L.D. I've come to talk to you about the Avengers Initiative.

Tony:
At my house? In the middle of the night? And who the hell are you?

[Camera pans to a burglar holding what appears to be a TV]

Nick:
Run, stupid! [he and the burglar run away, knocking over Stark in the process]

[Strawberry Shortcake and her friends are giggling and singing, when suddenly we hear Black Cherry Pie scream]

Black Cherry Pie:
[screams] Ahhhh!!! Someone's stolen my black cherry!

Strawberry Shortcake:
Oh no, Black Cherry Pie! Your black cherry is gone?!

Black Cherry Pie:
Yes! I bet it was Fudge Turnover, he loves black cherries!

[Cut to Fudge Turnover]

Fudge Turnover:
I'd NEVER take someone's Black Cherry without their consent!

Bitch Pudding:
[appears] Mmmm, that's not what I heard.

Fudge Turnover:
Oh shut up, Bitch Pudding!

[Cut to the Purple Pieman's house, where he is sitting in his armchair. A rock smashes through his window]

Purple Pieman:
[startled] Son of a bitch! [sees Strawberry Shortcake and Black Cherry Pie outside the broken window]

Strawberry Shortcake:
We're berry berry mad at you!

Purple Pieman:
Get off my lawn, you stupid bitches!

Black Cherry Pie:
You stole my black cherry!

Purple Pieman:
[chuckles] Sorry, honey, I'm into Asian chicks. [smells fire and turns around to find his house is on fire] Fire? FIRE! My valuables! [runs to his framed photos of his mother and Rachael Ray] Mama! Rachael Ray! Only time to save-a one of you... [takes the signed photo of Rachel Ray off of the wall and runs out of the house, but Strawberry Shortcake, Blueberry Muffin, and Black Cherry Pie all stone him to death while yelling at him in unison] Ahhh!!! You [bleep]ing twats! Oh ho! Ahh-eyah! Oh! Ahh! You bitches!

Black Cherry Pie:
I'm not sure how this gets my black cherry back...

[The three dump the Purple Pieman's body into a grave they have dug]

Strawberry Shortcake:
Nobody says a [bleep]ing word, or we all go to Rikers Island for a berry berry berry long time!

Huckleberry Pie:
[shows up, eating Black Cherry Pie's black cherry] Hey, wazzup?

Black Cherry Pie:
My black cherry! Huckleberry Pie, you asshole! [chases a laughing Huckleberry Pie off-screen] I can't believe you took my black cherry!

Bitch Pudding:
I heard she left home because her daddy took her black cherry. [the others look confused] BLAM! You all get a taste of the Bitch Pudding.

O.J. Simpson:
Oh my! What did you do?!

Roger Rabbit:
What did I do? We had a deal. Now, it's your turn to kill my wife.

O.J. Simpson:
I can't take the life of another human being.

Roger Rabbit:
P-P-P-P-Please?

O.J. Simpson:
No!

Roger Rabbit:
But, but, but, but, but, we had a deal. See? You don't wanna see me when I'M STEAMED!! [causes steam to come out of himself] Take care of my wife or it's curtains for you!

O.J. Simpson:
Oh no!

O.J. Simpson:
[repeated line] Don't get cut, bitch!

[We start on a gray background with the title:
"GREAT MOMENTS IN DUMB KID HISTORY" between two white lines]

Announcer:
Great moments in dumb kid history!

[A woman is seen driving her car with her two children behind her and her son poking his sister repeatedly]

Mother:
[getting annoyed] If you touch your sister one more time, I am driving this car into a lake!

[After a few seconds, her son sneakily does it anyway, causing her to get totally fed up and start driving ferociously into a lake. Before she can, however, we cut to static]

Announcer:
And now back to Living Lohan.

Dina Lohan:
Ali, who drank all the [bleep]ing orange juice?

Ali Lohan:
I don't know mom, maybe the [bleep]ing Orange Juice Fairy did it!

Dina:
Don't get smart with me!

Ali:
Well, don't you be a big ranting bitch face!

Both:
I NEED A CIGARETTE!!

Dina:
Augh! Why are all these cameras always invading my privacy?

[Gyro-Robo is playing next to a sprinkler in his yard with a broom]

Daniel/Gyro-Robo:
Sorry, Cobra Commander, but your Weather Dominator, currently stuck on rain, apparently, is no match for the ninja skills of Snake Eyes! [Ali peers over the fence looking at Gyro-Robo] Oops, supposed to be me.

Ali:
Ha, ha, ha, ha! What are you doing?

Daniel/Gyro-Robo:
That is no concern of yours, civilian! Identify yourself at once! Preferably with a capable, shapeable file card.

Ali:
I'm Ali Lohan. Duh! My mom and I just moved into this crappy neighborhood to shoot our TV show, called Living Lohan.

Daniel/Gyro-Robo:
Aren't you a little young to be smoking?

Ali:
Aren't you a little fat to be fat? Knock-knock. Who's there? You love food! [jumps off the fence]

Daniel's Mother:
Honey, were you talking to the new neighbor? I think their dog's been pooping in our yard.

Daniel/Gyro-Robo:
What? Awww, poop! [goes to Lindsay's kitchen]

Lindsay Lohan:
Go to hell, Mom! I told you! I'm not gonna be on your show! It's demeaning to my career. [makes "cut" sign to camera man] I'm gonna try that again with 10 percent more conviction. Or possibly, 1000 PERCENT!!! [doorbell rings] Who in God's green Smurf are you?

Daniel/Gyro-Robo:
Madame, does it look like my name is Tripwire? Because as I am not the GI Joe minesweeper, I would appreciate it if your dog didn't leave chocolate land mines all over my yard!

Lindsay:
Okay, nothing you said made any sense!

Daniel/Gyro-Robo:
Don't let your dog go poopie!

Lindsay:
Oh, OH!! [flashback to one nighttime] Ha, ha, ha, ha! Dah, dah, dah, dum, dum! Ha, night dump! I'm just fertilizing the lawn, aah! [back to present] Bad dog! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

[At Daniel/Gyro-Robo's front lawn]

Daniel/Gyro-Robo:
Firebolt! Firebolt!

Terrence:
Freethyro! Freethyro!

Nerd:
Ork, ork, ork! I'm an ork!

Daniel/Gyro-Robo:
Terrence, I gotta say, I'm not buying this at all, so...

Lindsay:
Beep, Beep! Honk, honk! I'm Herbie! [hits Daniel/Gyro-Robo and Terrence]

Terrence:
Hey!

Lindsay:
Loud horn! [Bleep] You! Good job, Herbie!

Daniel/Gyro-Robo:
Excuse me! This is a parallel universe, where savagery meets sorcery! There is no Herbie.

Lindsay:
Herbie is magic, idiot! [kicks nerd down] Beep beep!

Daniel/Gyro-Robo:
Stop it!

Lindsay:
Aughh! Why are you always following me? [cues cameraman to come closer, whispers] Follow me.

Munson:
...And in this corner, it's Munson! [steps on Terrence]

Daniel/Gyro-Robo:
Get out of here, Munson!

Munson:
[knocks Gyro-Robo down, then slaps him Munson one, gay crap zero!

Daniel/Gyro-Robo:
Stop it, Munson! Oh, how I hate you!

Lindsay:
Beep, beep!. [looks at Munson] Oooh, a bad boy!

Munson:
Oh, a damaged chick with daddy issues. [slaps Gyro-Robo] Hey baby!

Lindsay:
I don't know what that is, but I hope it means penis!

[Daniel is watching Living Lohan on TV]

Lindsay:
Too bad, mom. I love him, and I'm pregnant!!

Dina:
Well, so am I!

Lindsay Well, your baby's gonna have cobwebs, cause you're all old, and your notaries are all bunched up and dusty!!

Dina:
[Bleep] You!

Ali:
Why didn't anyone pick me up after my [bleep]ing ultrasound?!

Daniel/Gyro-Robo:
Ah, looks like I'm moving again.

Dina:
I'M THE GREATEST MOM IN THE WORLD!!!

[A nature guide and some students are out in the open:
the students are playing on their cell phones]

Nature guide:
Okay, kids, who wants to learn about different types of leaves? [the students pause, then continue to play with their phones] Okay, who wants to play on your cell phones and Twitter your Facebooks? Oh, whatever. The hell, I guess I'll smoke behind that tree. See ya.

[Everyone walks away, until only the Nerd remains, holding a piece of cardboard with pictures of leaves on it]

Nerd:
But...what about the leaves? [sees a pool of water with a sign that reads, "Spring of the Drowned Girl"] Oh, my Gosh! Just like the classic anime, Ranma Nibun no Ichi. Whoever bathes in the Spring of Drowned Girl will become an awesomely sexy lady. So the question is, do I want to be an awesomely sexy lady? Hmmm.... [imagines what it would be like if he were...The Nerd has become a girl and examines himself] Oh, my Gosh! I've got-and I've-and this is-and these are-ohhh, they feel so good to the hand!

[The Nerd is buying a stack of comic books at a comic store]

Harry Knowles:
That will be $68.50... [the Nerd flashes him] By which I mean free!

Nerd:
What wonderful powers! Hee hee! [seen in a dressing room, dressing up as Lara Croft] Hmmm...any tombs you'd like to raid? [as Elektra Natchios] The Frank Miller one, not the Jennifer Garner one. [as Tifa Lockhart] This may be your final fantasy. [as Catwoman] How about a look at these jewels, Batman? [is seen wandering through the girls' shower] La chee do ti do...Hello, ladies, yes, good to see you. Just another girl. Oh, gosh, these are so heavy.

Blond Girl:
Oh...let us help you!

Nerd:
That's good, that's good, you're really helping, girls! [moans]

Second Girl:
Hey, doesn't hot water turn Ranma into a boy again?

Blond Girl:
Hey, yeah!

[The Nerd suddenly turns back into a boy and covers himself up]

Girls:
Eww! [start beating up the Nerd]

Blond Girl:
Gross!

Nerd:
Well, it's still...you know, skin contact. [The red-haired girl jumps on him] Whoopee! [the scene fades back to the Nerd standing at the spring] Yes, I do wanna be an awesomely sexy lady! Hee hee hee! "Mammarize" me, forces of the universe! [jumps into the spring] Splash, splash, splash! [hides as the students and the guide walk up to the spring]

Nature guide:
And, tragically, this is where a young lady drowned many years ago.

Boy:
Was she hot?

Nature guide:
The brochure says she was 400 pounds, with a clubbed foot and chronic flatulence. So, no. Anyway, back on the bus, everybody. Move it around...

Nerd:
[shocked] Oh, no!

[Cut to school hallways:
the Nerd has become overweight and club-footed and is wearing a "Team Awesome" shirt]

Kaitlin:
Hey! You must be the new girl. My name's Kaitlin. [before he can speak, the Nerd farts] Eww!

Nerd:
Dang it. [farts a few more times]

Triple H:
John Cena was supposed to challenge me for this championship tonight but apparently he got lost on his way here.

JR:
[at the announcer table with another announcer] That is a load of bull. We saw Triple H let the air out of John Cena's tires. DAMN HIM!!!

Triple H:
I guess if nobody's man enough to challenge me, I'll just take my championship belt and go home.

[Just then, a music plays and everyone cheers as Dakota Fanning walks to the ring, angrily, with her theme intro]

JR:
IT'S HER! IT'S HER! Dakota Fanning is in the building and she looks pissed!

Announcer:
And lets not forget the Dakota's new movie [An advertisement of the movie appears while seeing Triple H scolding Dakota] Wishmagic: The Horse Who Wrote Poems opens Friday at theaters across the country!

Dakota:
[snatches the microphone from Triple H] I taught I was here to talk about Wishmagic...[whisper outside the mike]...The horse who wrote poems...But apparently some son of a bitch have to go run his mouth! [then starts attacking Triple H and start stomping his head to make him bleed]

JR:
IT'S ON! It's on now! Triple H is in a world of....

Dakota:
[toss Triple H on top of the ringpole and going to do her finisher] Here comes a good part! [Does a finisher and crashes Triple H onto the announcer's table, breaking it in the process]

JR:
THE DAKONATOR! THE DAKONATOR! This match is over if she can pin him in the ring! [just then, John Cena's intro is played while John Cena rushes into the ring] It's John Cena! He must want a piece of Triple H too. [instead, John Cena saves Triple H and start attacking Dakota and after he locks Dakota into submission and hitting her, Triple H came back with a steel chair and start hitting Dakota's face] OH NO! It's a damn double-cross! John Cena and Triple H must have set up Dakota from the beginning! AWWW! DAMN THEM! DAMN THEM! [an advertisement about Wishmagic appears below the screen] Wishmagic: The Horse Who Wrote Poems opens Friday! DAMN THEM TO HELL!

Papa:
[taking a dump, sigh] Gotta cut back on the smurfberries. All that fiber turns my intestines into a smurfin' log flume. Wonder who the page 3 girl is...gee, Smurfette, shocker...[flushes toilet, the toilet starts overflowing)] Uh oh, oh no, go down, go down. Oh no, OH NO, OH, OH SMURF ME UP THE SMURF!!!

[Cuts to a scene with Papa and Handy. Handy's covered in mud]

Handy:
The village septic tank is smurfed to hell!

Papa:
Well, Handy, we're a communist society, so hurry up and fix it for free.

Handy:
You don't understand! The tank ruptured! The sewage has smurfed into the water table!

[Meanwhile]

All Star:
Ugh, Uncle Gaileo, I feel sick! Everything tastes like rotten smurfberries!

Gaileo:
Our water has been contaminated, Allstar!

All Star:
So, how does a test tube work underwater exactly?

Gaileo:
It doesn't take a scientist to figure out those JERK ASS SMURFS are dumping CRAP in our lake again!

[Cuts to a scene with three Smurfs, they see something in the sky]

Smurf 1:
Are those flying fish!?

Grouchy:
I HATE flying fish!

Smurf 1:
Are those flying fish stuffed with DYNAMITE!?

Grouchy:
I HATE flying fish stuffed with dy- [a fish collides with the three smurfs, it explodes, killing all three Smurfs. More fish fall from the sky, suicide bombing the Smurf Village straight to hell]

All Star:
I-I really have an ethical problem with this...

Gaileo:
What? They're volunteering. [to the fish while lighting its fuse] Just remember; seventy-two fish virgins await you in Fish Heaven!

[Back on the battlefield]

Papa:
TO ME, MY SMURFS! IT'S WAR! WAR!!!

[There's a huge explosion in the background. A smurf in some kind of shock toddles toward Papa. He can't hear a thing Papa is saying]

Deaf:
I CAN'T HEAR! I CAN'T HEAR!

Papa:
You couldn't hear before! Your name is "Deaf Smurf" for God's sakes!

Deaf:
[remembers] OH YEAH! WELL, IT STILL SUCKS.

[Just then, the snork army marches on to the battlefield from the water. Cut to a scene with Vanity and some other Smurf]

Vanity:
See? like Braveheart.

[The other smurf smacks him across the face, knocking him out. Cuts to a scene with a snork opening up one of Jokey Smurf's exploding gift boxes]

Snork:
[gasps] A present!

[The box blows up in his face, killing him in the process]

All Star:
EVERYONE! STOP PICKING UP THE PRESENTS!!! [ime slows down as another snork falls victim to Jokey's present bombs] NOOOOOOOOO!!!

[Nearly all the snorks were soundly defeated by the present bombs. Cut to a scene with Brainy Smurf and a bunch of other smurfs]

Brainy:
Everyone listen to me, we're gonna outflank them with a pinster meneuver. Then, we'll encircle them with a blitzkrieg.

Smurf 2:
Oh, you don't know what your smurfin' about, Brainy!

Brainy:
Papa Smurf put me in charge. and Papa Smurf is always right. because Papa Smurf... [sees that he's surrounded by snorks. Two seconds later, he's nothing but a head and whatever remained of his body, and was Amazed] Hey it's true! The brain does stay alive after desmurfitation! [dies]

[Back on the battlefeild, the Smurf's defenses are picking off the snorks, one by one. A red snork, gulps down a tank of gasoline and becomes a walking flamethrower, killing the Smurfs]

Daffney:
Stop it, you stupid boys! This isn't accomplishing anything!

[One of the Smurfs stop dead in his tracks]

Smurf 3:
Are you a-are you a-a female?!

Daffney:
Well, sure I am, why?

[Two more Smurfs appear on screen]

Smurf 4:
We thought there was only one girl in the whole world! [directs attention towards Smurfette] This tired, old, worn out whore over here!

Smurfette:
HEY!

[Cuts to a scene where Governor Wetworth and Papa Smurf are signing a peace treaty]

Papa:
So it's agreed, we'll stop smurfing our turds in your lake.

[Snorks all cheer]

Governor:
And in return, we shall give you photos of our women.

[The Smurfs all cheer and then a moments silence]

Papa:
...To masturbate too?

Governor:
Yes, to masturbate too.

[Governor and Papa shake hands, the Smurfs and snorks all cheer, but the Smurfs are a little more overexcited than the snorks. Cut to a scene where Daffney is being paparazzied by the Smurfs]

Daffney Unbelievable! Rotten, scumbag men. AAARGH!!!

[Robot Chicken credits roll]

[A scene where a fish is talking to Satan in hell]

Satan:
HAHAHA, YOU STUPID FISH! GET IN THE FRYING PAN!

[The fish does just that]

Stinger:
End.

Announcer:
Hey, my ex-girlfriend, how do eat a Reese's Piece, buttercup?

Ex-Girlfriend:
I pretend the peanut butter is your soul, and I suck it out and then I crush the remaining empty husk in my cruel, cold fist.

[Chelsie and Grandma are knitting]

Mom:
Ma, don't teach Chelsie that girly crap! This isn't the dark ages. [gives the Barbie doll to Chelsie] Here.

Grandma:
Ohh, and the fashion doll with big watermelon boobs teaches the right lessons, huh? That's-That's what going on?

Mom:
Barbie is a frickin' race car driver these days, Ma! She bungee jumps in Paracelsus, and I think there's even a bomb disposal robot accessory.

Chelsie:
Thank you for the Barbie. [pulls the sting on the Barbie's back]

Barbie:
[voice box] Girls could do anything. Especially, men. Let me be absolutely clear about that.

Chelsie:
All right, Barbie! Lets have adventures!

[One hour later, the Doctor pulled the blanket to show Mom and Grandma that Chelsie died]

Mom:
[gasps] That's her! That's my little girl... [crying]

Grandma:
How did this happen?!

Doctor:
Well, Chelsie's race car hit the wall in its speeds in excess of two hundred miles in hour. So, pfft.

Grandma:
Race car?! Where did she get a race car?!

Doctor:
Girls these days have all sorts of adventures, mam. This isn't the dark ages.

Grandma:
She was eight years old!

Mom:
At least, she died doing what she loved, Ma!

Grandma:
SHE LOVED KNITTING!

Doctor:
Yes, that's lovely. Now, that you could fill out some forms. [walks with Chelsie's mom]

Grandma:
[crying] Oh, Chelsie. [to the destroyed Barbie doll] This is your fault! [crying] Whore!

[The screen zooms horrifying with the evil laugh sound]

Graph Guy:
Our cereal sales are WAY down! What do we do?!?

Internet Executive:
I've got 4 words for you: Sugar, Internet, Viral, Video, and some punctuation: EXCLAMATION POINT!

[Music Begins:
Download the Free MP3. Some rights reserved under creative commons license]

Cocoa Vampire:
Oooooooooo...Chocolate Grain [Subscribe!], Bits of corn, Marshmallow, other stuff. [breathing away from mic. Yes, vampires do breathe] Chocolate grain, 5 times more sugar than Choco Puffs. Chocolate grain, tell your parents it's what they should buy. [Buy the SHIRT!] Chocolate grain, so much sugar you'll get crazy high. Chocolate grain, if you have diabetes, stay away. Chocolate grain, it's something that our lawyers made us say. Chocolate grain, the 'mount of sugar will drive you insane. Chocolate grain, 100 percent sugar, zero grain!!!

Graph Guy:
Sales for Cocoa Vampire are through the roof! What else ya got?

Internet Executive:
Well, for Fruit Monster, how about a video called, "Two Berries, One Cup?" I've put together a rough demo. Roll it!

Girl:
Oh...[giggling]

[The executives, except for Internet Executive, vomit]

Batman:
I've followed you to this hot chocolate factory Two-face, and this time I'm bringing you down!

Two-Face:
Not so fast Batman! Your fate lies in a flip of this coin, heads you live, tails you die! [flips coin, it comes up tails] Huh, death! [Batman lunges at him, accidentally pressing his face against the burning hot chocolate mixer] AAAAHHHHH!!!

Batman:
I'm sorry, Harvey.

Two-Face:
Don't call me Harvey, call me by my new name. [turns to reveal a second burn mark over half of his already burned face] Three-Face! [pulls out a three-sided die] This is my three sided die, one you live, two you die, three we drink hot chocolate together. [rolls his three sided die, it comes up a two] Oh, uh, looks like you're gunna three sided DIE! [lunges at Batman, he slips trying to get out of bed]

Batman:
Watch out for that bleach!

Three-Face:
[falls face first into a tray with various liquids on it, a bottle of bleach shatters and hits him and the bleach gets on his face] AAAAHHHHH!!!

Batman:
[meets Three-Face on top of a roof] Three-Face, I'm really sorry about the hospital.

Three-Face:
Call me by my real name. [turns around to reveal a fourth burn on the good half of his face] Four-face! [pulls out four straws] I'm holding four straws in my hand, if you choose the shortest one you die! If you choose the longest one you live! The other two will determine whether I throw bleach on your costume or we drink hot chocolate together.

Batman:
Alright Four-face I'll play your game! [hesitates on his first try and picks a straw on his second]

[Cut to the diner where Four-Face and Batman are enjoying a rather pleasant meal, Four-Face is enjoying a steaming cup of hot chocolate and Batman is sampling the diner's soup]

Four-Face:
Oh, OH! This is really good hot chocolate!

Batman:
Hmm...The soup's not bad either.

Four-face:
Oh yeah, can I try some? [grabs for Batman's soup]

Batman:
[tries to stop him from taking it, fearing that the soup is too hot for Four-Face] WAIT, HARVEY! NO!!

Four-Face:
[the soup splashes against Four-Face's face burning him on contact] AAAAHHHHH!!!

Inmate:
[talking to Monopoly pieces]: Hey, man. What'chu in for?

Cop:
You realize when I pulled you over, you were doing 87 miles an hour?

Marty:
Yeah, I know. Believe me, I know.

Bumblelion:
I love being a Wuzzle! We get to be two animals at once! Take me — I'm a bumblebee and a lion!

Eleroo:
And I'm an elephant and a kangaroo.

Butterbear:
You know what grosses me out, Bumblelion? How'd your parents get together?

[Cuts to a lion and a bumblebee]

Lion:
OW! What the hell?! You think you can just sting me, you little bumblebee? Wow, you're a cute little bumblebee. Oh, you little cutie, come here. [turns around to have sex with the bumblebee] Oh, yeah! Owch! Ahh, owch! Sting me in the hole! Owch, sting me in the hole! Owch, sting me in the hole! Owch!

[Goes back to the three Wuzzles]

Bumblelion:
UGH! I don't wanna think about THAT anymore. What about you. Eleroo?

[Goes to a kangaroo and an elephant about to have sex]

Elephant:
Now, this might hurt a little. [in a sex position, the elephant crushes the kangaroo, who screams]

[Afterwards we return to the Wuzzles]

Eleroo:
EW! How about you, Donkeyhuman?

[The camera moves to reveal Donkeyhuman]

Donkeyhuman:
[brays] As far as I know...

Other 3 Wuzzles:
[interrupting Donkeyhuman] Actually I don't wanna know. Yeah, I'm not interested. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean it. I'm good.

[Jaden walks into his bedroom before a lamp is turned on and Santa is seen sitting in a chair]

Jaden:
I suppose your presence here means I made the naughty list.

Santa Claus:
We don't mind a little mischief, Jaden. But flashing your wee-wee at the maid. That's one step too far.

Jaden:
And where is my mother? [Santa stares at him; looks depressed] Hmm, I see. And how did she die?

Santa Claus:
Not well.

[In the flashback, Santa comes towards Jaden's mother and punches her. She elbows him in the neck before he grabs her neck and throws her against the kitchen top drawers. Jaden's mother bashes his head with the freezer. She grabs a knife and begins swinging it at Santa. As she is about to stab him, he moves which sends the knife into a wall plug-in, electrocuting Jaden's mother. Santa grabs her by the back of her head and shoves her face into a sink full of water until she doesn't move anymore. Back to the present]

Jaden:
She made you work for it, did she? [opens a desk drawer where a small gun is seen] You'll find I'm not so easy. [points the gun at Santa. He attempts to shoot, but there are no bullets] They say the second one is always-

[Santa quickly shoots Jaden with another gun which sends him flying into three shelves and knocks all of the toys down]

Santa Claus:
Considerably.

[Back to the flashback, Santa is then seen walking away from Jaden's mother after killing her. Then Jaden's mother screamed as she rises from the sink with her make-up smeared and holding the knife up, but Santa quickly shoots Jaden's mother, which is a short parody of a scene in Casino Royale before the opening credits starts]

[A dad, a mom and their son are in the living room on Christmas morning. The son is about to open his present and his dad is excited. The boy opens the present which explodes, killing him]

Dad:
Ha, ha! Ha...Ah, it was a lot funnier when Jokey Smurf did it. Huh.

Daughter:
It's the most beautiful tree ever!

Mother:
It certainly is, Sweetie!

Tree:
[looking in the window] My wife! [sobbing] you killed her, and you decorated her!

[On Christmas Eve, the atheist mayor is standing in front of the church doors addressing the people]

Atheist Mayor:
[to the people] Back to your homes. As the first Atheist mayor, I am shutting down the church.

Old Woman:
But it's Christmas!

Atheist Mayor:
Well, you should have thought of that when I campaigned as the first Atheist mayor.

Citizens:
Oh, yeah.

Old Woman:
Can we at least hear the Christmas chimes?

Atheist Mayor:
[lifts up the giant silver chime] No! ln fact, I removed the chimey thingy that makes the chimey noise. So, you're screwed! [laughs, and was about to leave] Oh, and vote for me in November. [then leaves]

[Newspaper headlines says "TOWN CHIMES IN ON PROBLEM", "STORY RINGS TRUE!", and "CHILDREN CAN'T "BELL"-IEVE IT!". On Christmas night, the Humping Robot walks into the silent town on snow, wearing a Santa hat. Then he looks at the church bell, and makes a bell with his hands in air. He then knocks the blocked boards down with his hands and entered the church. He crashed though the roof door and stared at the shiny bronze bell. He was thrilled with joy and began ringing the bell with his hands]

Daughter:
[waking her dad up] Daddy, Daddy! Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings!

[The angels from Heaven are awoken by heard the bells ringing. The alarm is off, and the angels flew down to Earth and face the Atheist Mayor into action]

Atheist Mayor:
[seeing the angels appearing on rooftops] What the-? What the-? Oh, my!

[He is about to run, à la North By Northwest, but the angels gunned him down with Tommy-guns]

Daughter:
[off-screen] Remember to keep Christ in Christmas.

[The Humping Robot continues ringing the bell]

Announcer:
Brought to you by Church.

Elf:
[to Santa] Did you remember to get Mrs. Claus something?

Santa Claus:
[gasps, then gives the elf some money] Go get her a mug from the stationary store.

[Christmas in Asgard]

Thor:
The reward for Thor's good deeds; a shiny bicycle.

Loki:
[sees a lump a coal from his stocking] Augh! A lump of coal?!

Odin:
[laughs] I love my son Thor and not my son Loki. And Santa agrees. [grabs his goblet] Ha ha! My parenting is most inequitable.

Thor:
[on his bicycle] I am off to the rainbow bridge to offer rides to the shirtless muscular warriors who there congregate. [rides off]

Loki:
Ah, next Christmas, victory shall belong to Loki, God of Mischief. [laughs evilly. He is seen at the store as he puts on the fake Thor helmet with a blond wig; chuckles as he grabs a soda] I'm Thor, and I'm very thirsty! [gulping] Ahhh! [the sign behind him says "NO REFILLS"] No one minds if I get another. [gets another refill. He is next seen, humming as he urinates two guys in the bathroom, much to their disgust] I'm Thor. I got great aim 'cause I'm the God of Thunder.

[Loki is seen in the elevator]

Old Lady:
Hold the door!

Loki:
[holding the doors open] Oh, don't worry, I got it. Hi, nice to meet you. Thor, God of Thunder. By the way, eat this! [shoots the lady dead with his gun] Ha ha!

[The Following Christmas]

[Loki laughs while riding the bicycle as the shocked and confused Thor holds a lump of coal]

Odin:
[spits] By my own beard! Is it Christmas Day or opposite day?! [looks at the calendar] Nay, it "is" Christmas day!

Thor:
I have been good! I have! Santa Claus shall taste the Thunder God's wrath! [flies to the North Pole as Loki snickered silently]

[At the North Pole]

Santa Claus:
[sees the elves' dead bodies on the floor] Good God!

Thor:
[appears behind the door] But not good enough for ye, eh?! Have at thee!

[Thor begins attacking Santa by whacking him with his hammer called Mjollnir. He was about to hit the stomach, but Santa gained upper hand, attacking him with his candy cane. He shoots candy canes at Thor, who blocks them with his Mjollnir. Mrs. Claus runs around screaming. Thor swings at Santa, who dodges and pushes him onto the table. Santa is about to hit him, but Thor gained upper hand by smashing Santa onto the table a few times, before knocking him down on the floor. He is about to finish him off, but he swung his Mjollnir backwards and accidentally hit and killed Mrs. Claus who kept running and screaming, much to his surprise. He pulled his Mjollnir out of her smashed and blooded face, and noticed the fake Santa's naughty list on the floor]

Thor:
[picks the list up and reads it] Thor did none of this! Why would a Thunder God refill his soda even after his thirst was slaked? Or urinate hither and yon? Or murder an old woman? [pause as he sees Mrs. Claus' dead body] Well, I dideth, not the other two! I smell my brother's deceitful hand in this. [picks up Santa] Rise, noble Claus. Thou was fooled as was I. Loki's villainy must be revealed. [grabs is Mjollnir, takes Santa, and flies back to Asgard]

[Back in Asgard. Loki shoots and kills people while riding a bicycle]

Loki:
Whoo! I'm Thor as hell!

[Thor and Santa arrive]

Santa Claus:
He's a madman! Stop him!

Thor:
Fear not, Santa Claus. You yourself shall make Loki pay, a year hence when you bring him a lump of coal on Christmas Day. [to the camera] Merry Christmas, everyone!

Loki:
God of Thunder! [shoots bullets in the air]

Woman:
I love it when it snows. It's so peaceful.

[We hear the snowflakes screaming while falling from the sky]

Snowflake 1:
Aaaaahh! Oh, God! I'm falling! Wha-What's happening? [screaming continues] Is that the ground?! Holy [bleep]! That's the [bleep]ing ground! This is it! Game over, man! [falls onto the ground]

Snowflake 2:
Get off of me! [stammering] Get off of me!

Snowflake 1:
I can't! I can't get up! [groaning as two snowflakes fall on him] It's a madhouse! It's a madhouse!

Man:
I hate snow. We should go to Tahiti next Christmas.

Woman:
Yeah, let's do that. [steps on the snowflakes who are still screaming]

[Two boys are in the living room next to the Christmas tree with presents under it on Christmas morning]

Boy :
Shh.

[They opened the present, but finds the dynamite, which is going off. The dynamite explodes, killing the boys. The next scene shows the family in another house; the girl opens her present]

Mom:
Awww!

Girl:
[picks up the dynamite, which is also going off] That's weird.

[Another dynamite kills the family with explosion. The next scene shows the African-American couple in the living room opening their presents, but find the grenade which the pin is attached to the string. They accidentally pulled the grenade out of the pin, with horrified looks on their faces. Then the grenade explodes, killing the couple. Cut to the North Pole where the group of terrorists held gunpoint at Mrs. Claus an the elves in front of Santa]

Santa Claus:
Okay, I delivered all the bombs! Now please, don't hurt my family.

Terrorist:
And the Jews? Are the Jews dead too?

Santa Claus:
But...Jews don't even have Christmas!

Terrorist:
Then you have failed!

Santa Claus:
Noooo!

[Terrorists shoots Santa]

Announcer:
Don't forget about terrorism this Christmas. A message from the Department of Ho-Ho-Homeland Security.

[The sketch opens with the title card Gift of the Maji written in gold letters appearing on a green background. We then see Della Dillingham Young in a store]

Della:
I'd like to buy a chain for my husband's watch.

Chain Salesman:
Seventy-five dollars.

Della:
Oh, my! I can't afford that. Unless... [cut to Della at a barbershop and taking a seat in a barber's chair] I'd like to sell my hair, please.

[The female barber pulls out an electric razor and starts shaving Della's hair. Cut to James Dillingham Young at another store]

James:
I'd like to buy some brushes for my wife's beautiful hair, please.

Brush Salesman:
Seventy-five dollars.

James:
For brushes? What the [bleep]? What are they, solid gold? My watch is 75 bucks and it is a [bleep]ing antique!

[A short pause; cut to James at home; Della, who is now bald, enters]

James:
What the [bleep] happened to you?

Della:
I wanted to buy you a chain for your watch, so, I sold my hair to do it!

James:
Holy [bleep]! You look like you have cancer! Couldn't you have just let me keep my beautiful wife for Christmas?

Della:
You don't like it?

James:
Well here's where the irony kicks in. I wanted to get you hairbrushes for Christmas, but the man said I'd have to sell my watch to afford them!

Della:
Oh, no! You sold your watch?

James:
[Bleep], no! What, am I crazy?! For brushes?! I think the cat brush is just as [bleep]ing good and that thing was a buck-fifty!

Della:
So, you didn't get me brushes?

James:
What, did they shave your ears too?! I said no, already!

Della:
Oh... [chuckles] Then what did you get me?

James:
[gives Della a set of lingerie] Lingerie! Now, go pop that sucker on! [puts a Santa hat on Della's bald head] This too!

Della:
[drops the lingerie] Yeaahhh...I'm gonna go stay with my mom for a while.

[The scene opens with Santa's custom sleigh and his reindeer flying in the sky]

Comet:
How's the view back there, buddy? The light at the end of the tunnel is my ass!

[The reindeer behind Comet makes disgusted groans. Cut to Santa hearing a cry for help]

Voice:
Help me!

Santa Claus:
Huh? Put her down, boys. [they landed the sleigh before he, Comet and his reindeer all gathered at a well and see a little boy, who is unseen, is trapped in the well] Help is coming, little boy! Are you hurt?!

Little Boy:
[from the well] I've been down here three days with no food or water! And I pooped in my pants!

Santa Claus:
Three days?! He could die of thirst before we reach him!

Comet:
Not on my watch! [starts peeing down the well]

Santa:
What are you-? Comet! Stop peeing on that child!

Comet:
I saw it on Man vs. Wild. You can drink pee, pee it out and drink it again! Three times if you want!

Little Boy:
This rain tastes like oats.

[Clock transition with the sound of jingle bells]

Santa Claus:
[gets off his cell phone] The fire department's on its way.

Comet:
There's no time!

Santa Claus:
Comet! No! [Comet soars in the air and dives into the well] Comet?!

Comet:
Um, okay. I'm stuck like halfway down. Almost there.

[Santa facepalms himself. Another clock transition with the sound of a siren. The fire department and the police arrive]

Fireman:
We could throw down a rope and a harness down to the kid, except your reindeer's plugging up the hole now.

Comet:
Just throw down a grenade!

Santa Claus:
What?!

Comet:
Throw down one grenade to launch me toward the bottom. Then I'll grab the boy with my teeth. And you can throw down a second grenade to launch me to the surface!

Policeman:
Your deer don't know [bleep] about grenades, does he?

Santa Claus:
He spends most of his life on a frozen tundra. Reindeer don't know [bleep] about [bleep], quite frankly.

Fireman:
So, listen, [the two reindeer look at each other and toss a grenade down the well] thanks to your deer, we're gonna have to excavate half this field.

[The grenade explodes and Santa gains consciousness]

Santa Claus:
[shocked] Oh, my God! [the explosion has blown up the well and everything around it. The two reindeer that threw down the grenade had their heads blown off and their corpses faint] Comet?! Little boy?!

[Fade to Comet, Santa and the little boy, who is now seen, in a cast and bandages in a hospital room]

Little Boy:
Thank you, Comet! You saved me!

Comet:
Aw, ain't know thing.

Santa Claus:
Well, actually, about 100 volunteers working around the clock with heavy machinery would've suf-

Little Boy:
I love you, Mr. Comet!

Comet:
I love you too, Mr. Little Boy!

[Comet and the little boy both hug]

Santa Claus:
[leaves] That still freaks me out.

Comet:
[follows with his legs missing and he's floating in midair] Yeah. It's 100% badass, alright.

[Cut to Comet and Santa outside the hospital]

Santa Claus:
[gets on Comet's back] Take us back to the North Pole! And-And don't say the line.

Comet:
Oh, I gotta say the line! Please?! Please?!

Santa Claus:
[sighs] Fine, fine. Whatever.

Comet:
Ahem. Legs? Where we're going, we don't need legs! [soars off with Santa] Yeah! [towards the camera] And away we go!

[Christmas Special ends]