Timothyj.29104's Quotes Page #112

Here's the list of quotes submitted by timothyj.29104  —  There are currently 6,915 quotes total — keep up the great work!

TB:
The jig is up, friend. This thing with you and my Mom ends now.

TB's Mom:
Tony, stop!

TB:
Ma, he's just gonna leave you.

TB's Mom:
Tony, you're wrong. We have a strong connection.

TB:
Ma, that's just the stroke talking!

TB's Mom:
So what if it is? If you can't be happy for me, just, please, leave me alone so I can enjoy the rest of my trip. And if you can't be happy for me after that, then I guess you'll just have to leave me alone for the rest of my life.

The Glaze:
T.B., I respect the fact that you're looking out for your mother. But I genuinely care for her, and I hope you believe that. I promise that I will never harm, this lady. And I promise to be a great stepdad to you. Hmm? Hey -- I could teach you how to drive a stick shift!

TB:
How about drive this stick? [pulls up his gun on The Glaze]

Jon:
Oh, the mother/child reunion has taken a --

TB:
Shut up, Jon!

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added 5 months ago

[after The Glaze kisses TB's Mom, TB was not happy about that result a few hours later]

TB:
He need to be fired.

Jon:
You know what, T.B.? In The Glaze's defense, your mother is an adult. She can pull a bang 'n' bone with whoever she wants. Right, Susan?

Susan Shapiro:
I had a feeling this might happen.

TB:
What do you mean, you had a feeling?

Susan Shapiro:
Let's just say The Glaze is well-schooled in the art of sex.

Jon:
Oh, boy.

Susan Shapiro:
We did a presentation with The Glaze a few years ago, and one aspect of the show was his work was a couples sex therapist. I felt I needed to know what his qualifications were, so I, um...

TB:
Oh, my god.

Jon:
Ho-ho! The plot thickens.

Susan Shapiro:
It's not so much what he brought to the table, 'cause you know, it wasn't much. It's what he did with it. It was his stroke. He packed more into one pump than a lifetime of lovers ever could.

TB:
I don't wanna hear this.

Jon:
I do.

Susan Shapiro:
I know this is difficult, but you need to know who you're dealing with.

TB:
Well, I think he's a manipulative opportunist -- Who dropped some new-age bull [bleep] on a vulnerable woman and then went balls deep.

Susan Shapiro:
Balls first. He goes balls first.

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added 5 months ago

TB's Mom:
Tony, I'm sorry we got off to such a rough start, but I have had a wonderful time.

TB:
Well, I'm glad you had fun, Mom. But we better hurry, or you're gonna miss your flight.

TB's Mom:
Oh, I'm gonna stay a few more days. I want to see some museums and -- And go to a broadway show.

TB:
Okay. I guess I could take a couple of days off.

TB's Mom:
Oh, that's okay, honey. I already have somebody who's gonna show me around.

[The Glaze came out of the bathroom]

The Glaze:
Oh. Hi, Jon. Tony. Darling, I have just had a very steamy shower. I'm gonna go and towel off before we get going.

[The Glaze and TB's Mom kisses each other]

The Glaze:
See you later, guys.

Jon:
Probably not what Paul Simon had in mind with mother/child reunion. [chuckling] Oh, my god.

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added 5 months ago

Mishka:
Oh, good night, Todd. Good night, whore.

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added 5 months ago

Jon:
Honestly, I can't believe you're not Chinese.

Eun Mi:
Oh, believe it, dude. I'm Korean.

Jon:
I've been coming to the dry-cleaner for weeks. Why would you pretend that you can barely speak English?

Eun Mi:
I don't know. It was just fun [bleep] with you. Tickeh. Tickeh. Oh, my god. Unreal.

Jon:
Unreal like -- Like, good unreal?

Eun Mi:
Oh, this is the best time I've ever had on a date.

Jon:
Really? So...maybe you'd go with me again.

Eun Mi:
You know, normally, no way, but if you think you can top tonight, then yeah. Otherwise, don't bother. By the way, aren't those the jeans you lost your [bleep] about?

Jon:
Oh. Yeah, you know, I thought about it a little more, and I kind of started to like them and thought I'd wear them tonight on the date just to give credit's due about a -- About a great crease. You know -- [asian accent] Look sharp.

Eun Mi:
No, you had it right the first time. Creased jeans look stupid.

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added 5 months ago

[Jon gives the coupon to the waiter]

Jon:
I believe this one is on the house tonight.

Waiter:
What this?

Jon:
Come on, dude. Don't make me look bad. It's one of your authentic chinese dinner coupons -- Given to me by this very lovely and very authentic chinese lady.

Waiter:
Uh, this...joke? [chuckles] You pay.

Jon:
Eun Mi, you want to tell this guy what's going on? He obviously does not read English.

Eun Mi:
[speaking Korean]

Jon:
So, we all set?

Waiter:
Why she speak Korean? You pay, or I call the police.

Jon:
She's not speaking Korean. It's Chinese. How about an apology?

Eun Mi:
[laughs]

Jon:
What is so funny?

Eun Mi:
[american accent] Dude, you're a [bleep] idiot!

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added 5 months ago

Jon:
Yeah, we should, uh, get going, anyway. I want to head back home, prepare for my date with that silky chinese maiden. I'm thinking about wearing three colognes tonight -- Cover my bases. She got to like one of them. [chuckles]

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added 5 months ago

TB's Mom:
Sweetie, I'm sorry this is hard. But I can assure you I have given this a lot of thought.

TB:
Well, how does Dad fell about all this?

TB's Mom:
Well, you have to ask him, but I can tell you it was a mutual decision.

TB:
Well, I did call him, and he's a mess.

TB's Mom:
Well, what did you ask me for?! Did you invite here for an interrogation? This is not Abu Ghraib, Tony. I don't have balls for you to electrocute.

Jon:
[chuckles] Nice one, Renee. Don't take that.

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added 5 months ago

[TB's Mom comes to New York to see his son]

TB:
Welcome to New York, mother. Now let's go upstairs to discuss this latest development.

Jon:
[to TB's Mom] Someone call Paul Simon, huh? Got a little mother/child reunion happening here.

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added 5 months ago

[Jon goes undercover and shows Qi-Qang the same guy, Mishka who wore a ski mask when he shot Bohai]

Jon:
I told you guys -- Same guy! Look at the coat, right?

Qi-Qang:
It's a very specific jacket/jean/shoe combination.

Jon:
Yeah, right?

Qi-Qang:
You convinced me, Jon.

Jon:
Believe that asshole? Hate that guy!

Jon:
I like his shoes, though. Those are pretty cool. Those are the shoes that tone your butt, right? Hey, they should make a pair that tone your wiener. [laughs]

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added 5 months ago

TB:
[on phone] Hello? Oh, my god.

Jon:
Oh, you know what? T.B., you got to stop taking these phone calls, man. It's always, "Hello? Oh, my god". Then it's bad news. See? Look at his face. Bad news. Let me guess -- Sergei shot David, cut off his dick, I'm next. Right? Something like that?

TB:
It's my Mom. She's getting a divorce. She's leaving my Dad.

Jon:
So, my dick's not next?

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added 5 months ago

Jon:
This hoop therapy's been really working. Got to tell you, old Jon would have lost his [bleep] about those creased jeans, but new Jon stayed cool as a cuke.

The Glaze:
Mm-hmm.

Jon:
That lady's pretty cute, too.

The Glaze:
Asian people represent safety to you right now, Jon. The Wang Chos offer you protection, and suddenly, your dry-cleaner is desirable. Maybe you should ask her out. Hmm? See where it leads.

Jon:
I don't know. She barely speaks English.

The Glaze:
That may be just what you need -- Someone who can't articulate any demands on you. But you won't know, Jon, unless you try.

Jon:
It'll be my first chinese date.

The Glaze:
Remember -- It's about energy, not control.

TB:
Oh, geez.

The Glaze:
A critic judges what he himself cannot achieve, T.B. What are you so scared of? Hmm. [puts the hoop around TB] Why don't you try it?

TB:
Because I have the good sense not to fall for some con-artist bull [bleep]. I'm not a sucker. No offense, Jon.

Jon:
Hey, none taken. I'm having fun.

TB:
[to The Glaze] What's next for Jon -- Playing in a sandbox?

Jon:
Hey, that sounds cool. When we doing that?

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added 5 months ago

Jon:
Why are my jeans creased?!

Eun Mi:
Oh, jean need crease. Look sharp.

Jon:
No, you [sighs] You don't crease jeans. You crease slacks.

Eun Mi:
Jean need crease. 20 dollar.

Jon:
Are you out of your mind?! 20 bucks?! These took a long time to break in. Now they're ruined. You just lost a customer.

Eun Mi:
Oh, no, no. Hold on. Hold on. Uh... [out of character] I-I no supposed to do this, but...prease, take this. I give you coupon, make you happy customer.

Jon:
I can take this to any chinese restaurant in the city, and they'll accept it?

Eun Mi:
Oh, anyplace. Chinese people make special code. That how chinese people do things.

Jon:
Special code? You chinese people stick together. I like that. I also like good business. You also got a customer back. I'm Jon.

Eun Mi:
My name Eun Mi.

Jon:
It's very pretty. It's delicate. It's like a tender piece of pineapple fried rice. Without the pineapple, though. I don't -- I never understood that dish. Like, why ruin fried rice with warm fruit? Ugh. Gross.

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added 5 months ago

[Jon finally got his new jeans from a clothing store]

Eun Mi:
Me sorry it take rong time. I try find tickeh.

Jon:
What? Tickeh?

Eun Mi:
Tickeh.

Jon:
Oh -- No, no, no, no. Ticket.

Eun Mi:
Tickeh.

Jon:
No -- Tick-et. Put a "T" on the end.

Eun Mi:
Tick-en.

Jon:
Ticket.

Eun Mi:
Tick-ed?

Jon:
You hear at the top? Tuh. Tuh, tuh, tuh, tuh -- "Ti"...

Eun Mi:
Ti...

Jon:
..."Cket".

Eun Mi:
Tuh-cket-tuh.

Jon:
No, nevermind.

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added 5 months ago

TB:
Jon...you remember when you thought I was trying to grandpa your granddaughter?

Jon:
T.B., water under the bridge. I'm cool with it.

TB:
I was trying to grandpa her.

Jon:
I [bleep] knew it, man! You [bleep] asshole!

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added 5 months ago

Jon:
Charlie, my man. Good news Good news. I took some of your inheritance money and helped out a very special group of people -- Bank-wired them a million bucks today. So, uh, thank you, friend. You helped my family, and you might help me get laid.

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added 5 months ago

Wang Cho Meber #2:
Hey Qiqang! Jon posted a new video.

[Qi-Qang and the Wang Cho members see a fake video where Mishka (as Jon) killed Bohai from Wang Cho]

Qi-Qang:
The sandwich humper is dead!

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added 5 months ago

TB:
Hey, little Donna. I'm Mr. Walrus.

Jon:
Okay. Who's ready for a New York slice? Here we go, everybody. Gobble up and you know what? Go ahead and start 'cause Grandpa's gonna go talk to T.B. outside, okay? I'll be right back.

TB:
I'll be right back. Enjoy your pizza, boys and girls.

[Jon and TB talked outside, but gone horribly wrong]

Jon:
The [bleep] you doing in there, man?

TB:
What are you talking about?

Jon:
You're trying to grandpa my granddaughter -- That's what. This is my weekend, T.B. Stay out of grandpa-town. That's my domain.

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added 5 months ago

Bryce Grieke:
So, it turns out your new friend Charlie didn't have any family at all, so just before he died, he updated his will, and he named you the sole heir to his estate.

Jon:
Like what? His denture collection?

Bryce Grieke:
No. But he did leave you his cane -- Something to remember him by -- As well as this box of clothes, and the, uh, well, other than that, the only other thing in the estate is, uh, $3 million dollars.

Jon:
What?

TB:
Holy [bleep].

Jon:
Oh, my god!

Bryce Grieke:
Well, this has got to be familiar territory to you at this point. [chuckles] Somebody dies, and they leave you all their money.

Jon:
Wow! This is -- This is like Charlie had his own friend competition and I'm the winner. I WIN! WHOO!

Bryce Grieke:
Well...yeah. I don't know if I would think about it that way. I mean, you know, obviously, a man is dead.

The Glaze:
Jon, you need to think about how you can honor your good friend.

Jon:
You're right. I really wish Charlie could be there to meet my new family.

Bryce Grieke:
He cannot do that.

Jon:
Y'know what? Maybe he can.

Bryce Grieke:
No. I mean...

Jon:
Maybe he can. [plays Charlie's pitchpike]

Bryce Grieke:
I mean he can't. He cannot. Y-you know, he's dead. He can't do it.

Jon:
But you know what? There might be a way he can. [plays Charlie's pitchpike]

Bryce Grieke:
There's no way. There's literally --

Jon:
[plays Charlie's pitchpike]

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added 5 months ago

[Karen cries]

Jon:
Hey. What's going on?

Karen:
[sighs] I've just been going through a rough patch lately. I've been out of work for a while.

Karen:
I think my house is gonna get repossessed.

Jon:
Oh, well, you know, better -- Better repossessed then [eerily] possessed.

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added 5 months ago

Jon:
Whoa! Heard from Karen Whitaker, my prom date in high school. Listen to this. "Jon, been watching the show. Good luck with the best friend contest if you ever feel like seeing and old friend, come on down to Philly".

David:
I thought you were just looking for a best friend?

Jon:
I am. But, uh, best friends aren't high-school tush.

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added 5 months ago

Charlie:
Say, uh, what's up with the ski mask?

Jon:
You haven't seen me on the internet making a sandwich penis?

Charlie:
Sandwich penis? [laughs] Give me a footlong on wheat and hold the balls. [plays his harmonica]

Jon:
Frrt! [laughs]

Charlie:
Well, I'm not much for the internet, you know? No one to e-mail with, really.

Jon:
No family?

Charlie:
No family. Never really got around to it.

Jon:
Look at those two nerds, huh? [sees father and son wearing the same nerdy outfits]

Charlie:
Makes me sad to know that I'll never get to be a grandfather. Oh, well. I guess it's not so bad being married to my hand. [plays his harmonica]

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added 5 months ago

[while Qi-Qang and Bohai are arguing]

Sergei:
Do you see this man?

Mishka:
Yes.

Sergei:
The one standing there -- Not the one walking away. [referring to Bohai who's standing still] This man here to help us make another fake Jon prank video.

Mishka:
Oh, yeah?

Sergei:
This fake gun.

Mishka:
Oh. Look at this.

Sergei:
No bullets, just blanks.

Mishka:
Tiny.

Sergei:
Pretend to shoot him in the head.

Mishka:
Oh! Yeah?

Sergei:
Oh, and, Mishka, there will be fake blood, too.

Mishka:
[wears the mask] I am Jon. [chuckles]

Sergei:
Perfect. Okay. Go ahead.

Mishka:
Say, action!

Sergei:
Oh. Sorry, Mishka. Action!

[Mishka (as Jon) literally shoots Bohai in real life thinking its a fake act]

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added 5 months ago

Bohai:
We must server ties with Jon. He's become and embarrassment to the family. Other gangs whisper that the man we protect...is a sandwich humper.

Qi-Qang:
I will admit, he is embarrassing...but he pays very generously. No one is making fun of us, Bohai. That is all in your head.

Chinese Teen:
You protect a sandwich humper! [laughs]

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added 5 months ago

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