Timothyj.29104's Quotes Page #111

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[while the crew are still talking about Mishka's heroic moment] Jay 2: I thought it was an exciting climax to the season. John Hodgman: Okay, Jay. Thank you very much. Jon: Shut up, Jay. Also, why are you here? Jay 2: It's supposed to be a reunion show with everyone. Jon: Get the [bleep] out of here, Jay. [Jay 2 leaves] Jay: Just for the record, Susan asked me to be here. Jon: Oh, thanks for the information. [bleep] off! Mishka: [to Jon] You're mean. John Hodgman: Well, that's, uh -- Jon: ALL THE WAY, JAY! OUT THE DOOR! Mishka: [to Jon] An asshole! Asshole to him! Jon: Shut up, Mishka! – Delocated Movie Quote	added 5 months ago
[after the crew watches where Mishka testify the Mirminsky Family for doing a truce with the Wang Chos by selling drugs] John Hodgman: Mishka, talk to me about this. Mishka: Well, they tried to set me up, but I turn tables on them and I set their table. John Hodgman: Alright. Wow. Anyone want to jump in here? Sergei: You are a dead man now, Mishka. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 5 months ago
[after Jon gets caught in a major drug bust, Jon went to prison and get a call from one of his friends] Jon: Hi. Eun Mi: Nice outfit. Jon: Priz happens. The Glaze: Jon...I don't want you to worry. I've got everything signed, okay? I've got complete access to your money, so you know that will be safe, and also, I'm, uh, David's legal guardian while you're locked up. Jon: Thank you. You laid a big solid on me. I really appreciate it. The Glaze: And I'll make sure that no one hurts this little lady, okay? Jon: Alright. Thanks. Okay, bye. [The Glaze passes the phone to Eun Mi] Jon: Hey, uh...just give me one -- One quick flash. Give me one. Eun Mi: No. Jon: Come on, from the bar, you owe me one. Eun Mi: Okay, uh, I don't owe [bleep] actually. Jon: Yes, you do. Eun Mi: No, but...just 'cause I feel sorry for you... [Eun Mi shows her breasts for the last time] Jon: [breaths heavily] Eun Mi: Jonny, you okay? Jon: Looks like someone just done gone made me nut. I just nut. The Glaze: What? Jon: I just done gone nut. The Glaze: You've done gone nuts? Jon: I just done gone nut. I just done gone NUT. The Glaze: Jon, just calm yourself down, okay, because the guards can -- Jon: I JUST GONE DONE NUT! The Glaze: Oh, gee. Okay. Alright. Jon: I JUST DONE GONE NUT! – Delocated Movie Quote	added 5 months ago
[while Mishka came into the Wang Cho's base, Jon meets Mishka for the first time that made Jon into a funny person online] Jon: Well, well, well, if it isn't the Fake Jon. You know, I can't eat a sandwich in public 'cause of you, asshole. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 5 months ago
[Mishka tries to stay cool while wearing spy glasses to see what the Russian Family are up to] Yvgeny: Those are very nice glasses, Mishka. Mishka: [tries to act natural] Oh, thank you so much, Yvgeny Mirminsky, head of Mirminsky crime family. I'm wearing glasses so I might see money clearly when I hand over these drugs to Wang Chos in drug deal you are sending me to do. Yvgeny: Goodbye, Mishka. Sergei: Do well tonight, Mishka, and you'll have more important job than drug deal. Mishka: Okay. Then, I will take drugs, and I will go...to do drug deal...with Wang Chos. Sergei: GET GOING, MISHKA! – Delocated Movie Quote	added 5 months ago
[Eun Mi sees Jon in a big bulletproof hamster ball for their date] Jon: [speaks chinese] Welcome to the...Bone Zone. [laughs] Eun Mi: This is literally the stupidest thing I've ever seen. Jon: [original voice] It's not stupid. I'm not paying the Wang Chos for protection anymore, and I don't need the government, either. It's called freedom. I got my life back. Eun Mi: Jon, living in a ball is not freedom. If you even want a chance with me, you got to lose the ball. Jon: Look, there's some heavy [bleep] going down for tonight. Jonny might not make it back again. I wanted us to have one last night in sextacy. Eun Mi: Jon, we haven't had a first night. Jon: Come on, babe. You don't want a piece of this ball tush. Huh? Eun Mi: Just so you know, this is curiosity sex. Jon: Oh, yeah? Well, uh... [cat noises] Eun Mi: What? Jon: Curiosity's about to bone the cat. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 5 months ago
Jon: I got them to give up Mishka and leave my girlfriend alone. Huh? Jon's word's mightier than the sword, that and my sweet new ball. [laughs] Hey, you know what sucks though? It sucks that we already got Bin Laden. I mean, it doesn't suck. It's great. I'm glad we got him, but I wish I would have had a chance to use my words and get him to kill himself. Qi-Qang: Yes. Perhaps he would kill himself if I were off-camera pointing a gun at his head, just like Jim Daniels, but I'm sure your mighty words also had something to do with it. Jon: Yeah, I know they did. Qi-Qang: I still do not trust Sergei. This truce could be a secret ambush. You come tonight. Facilitate truce with your ball of safety. Jon: Yeah, the Chos need my ball. [laughs] – Delocated Movie Quote	added 5 months ago
Greg DiPietro: Let me get this straight. You want to testify against the Mirminsky Family. Mishka: Yes. They tried to trick me, but I'm going to trick them. Greg DiPietro: And you're willing to wear a wire. Mishka: No. Not unless I can wear shirt to cover wire. Greg DiPietro: Two families in one bust...in the biz, we call that a simultaneous orgasm. Mishka: [laughs] – Delocated Movie Quote	added 5 months ago
[Jon crashes the party by showing the Russian family that he's inside a big hamster ball so he'll never be in danger] Jon: Mirminsky family! That's right. Everyone, back it up. Yeah, th-there you go. Everybody, just be cool. That's the man I came here to see -- Sergei Mirminsky. You got to shape up, bro. Think killing's cool? That's your life? Not cool, bro. Not cool, dude. Sergei: What? We are supposed to be afraid of little Jon Wang mouse in ball? [pulls up gun] HE'S DEAD MAN BALL! [Sergei shoots the hamster ball, but it had no effect on it] Jon: WHOO! In your face, dude. Bulletproof. Yeah, that's right. I inherited 10 million bucks, spent a cool mil on this bulletproof ball. I hear war is coming. A war you don't want. You guys give up Mishka, maybe throw in some drugs, I guarantee you a truce with the Chos. Jon: I also got a new love in my life. She's got a smokin'-hot korean bod, a hamster, and I care about her. So you do NOT kill this one. You got it, man? Otherwise, no truce, and that means war. War is no fun, unless you're in a sweet bulletproof ball. [Jon leaves] Jon: MOVE OUT OF MY WAY! That's right. Make some room for Big Jon. Jonny's coming through. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 5 months ago
Jon: And I said, "think about it, dude. Not cool. Not cool what you're doing". What happens? Boom! 'Cause of me. My words did that. And now, I'm Jonny Superbucks. Eun Mi: Jon, how can you be so excited about this? This is blood money. Jon: A lot of blood money. Eun Mi: On that note, I'm a little sick and tired of hearing you complain about The Mirminksys. This relationship isn't going anywhere unless you get them and the Wang Chos out of your life. Maybe it's time for you to finally get some big balls so you can deal with your issues, and then we can be together. Jon: Big balls. That's getting the old Jonny horny. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 5 months ago
Jim Daniels: The tape you're watching is the tape from when you flashed your face. I recorded over it. Jon: [exhaled deeply] Thank god. Jim Daniels: I wanted you to know how deeply your words affected me, Jon -- The whole "Dude, not cool" thing. I can't get it out of my head. I want to be a good person, but -- [clears throat] Just relax, man. I'm getting to it just calm down. Jim Daniels: I'm donezo with the funzo. I made about $10 million as CEO of Ladies Done Gone Nuts. I will that entire fortune to you, Jon. 'Cause without you [laughs] I wouldn't have the balls to do this. [Jim shoots himself ending the video] TB: Who was he talking to off-camera? Jon: [scoffs] Who cares. I mean...I just made a man kill himself with the power of my words. Greg DiPietro: Jon, did you speak to the Wang Chos about this? Jon: I can get Bin Laden. That guy watched one of my tapes and kills himself, I'm a hero. Greg DiPietro: Jon... Jon: I mean, this guy sends us tapes all the time. How about we send a tape to him? Greg DiPietro: Jon, Bin Laden is dead. Jon: What? TB: How did you not know about this? Greg DiPietro: We killed him last year. Jon: Hold on a sec. How did you get him my tape? I mean, do you guys have a time machine? I mean, 'cause if you -- If you do, think of what we could do with it. I mean -- Greg DiPietro: No, Jon. Jon: You know what? It doesn't matter. I killed Bin Laden. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 5 months ago
The Glaze: Resist temptation, Jon. Jon: [while laying down on a long hoagie in front of his face] I can't. The Glaze: You can! Jon: I can't! The Glaze: You need to resist it. Jon: But I want it. The Glaze: Jon. Jon: I'm licking the bread. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 5 months ago
[the Russian Social Club founds a big fortune cookie] Sergei: [reads the note] "Storm of revenge for Bohai headed your way. Forecast calls for death". Mishka: In bed. [laughs] Yvgeny: Maybe we can negotiate. Sergei: NO! NO TURNING BACK FROM WAR! Yvgeny: I don't have time for war. I have to plan a vodka launch party. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 5 months ago
Qi-Qang: What you ask for will be very expensive. Jon: I don't care. I need that tape. How much do you want? Wang Cho Elder: The Greek style yogurt is my favorite. Qi-Qang: He say half a million. Jon: Half-a-million dollars?! Qi-Qang: You ask us to intimidate a businessman we like and respect. We also love tits. Jon: Yeah, I scream. You scream. We all love tits. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 5 months ago
[Jon and TB head to the Ladies Done Gone Nuts office to destroy the tape that shows Jon's face] TB: Alright. Listen up, dickhead. It's time to shut 'er down. Jim Daniels: [to Jon] Look who it is -- Mr. Face Flash. I've been starring at your mug all morning. Jon: Oh, yeah? Well, that's what we're here to talk about. Jim Daniels: Great. It's a new twist on an old classic. The only thing that would make face flashing better is if...your face had tits. [laughs] TB: Alright, listen asshole. Either give us the tape or you're gonna have a world of hurt from the FBI. Jim Daniels: Your boy here signed a release form, so legally, I'm in the clear, and you're not getting [bleep] for dick. TB: Listen, if you don't give us that tape, this man's life will be in danger. Jim Daniels: Am I supposed give [bleep] where were you when all this face flashing went down? Were you protecting him, or were you maybe distracted by all the tits you were seeing? TB: ... Jim Daniels: Lisa, will you show these two dick-licks out? Lisa: Yes, Mr. Daniels. Jim Daniels: Sexy voice, right? Sexy tits, too. [laughs] Jon: Hey, dude. Seriously? This is your life? You think this is cool? It is not cool -- Not cool at all. Think you're sitting there in your chair playing God? You're playing Dude, as in "Dude, seriously? Seriously not cool, man". You think about that. You think about that. Not cool, man. Jim Daniels: Okay, buddy. I'll think about that. I'll think about that long and hard. [laughs] – Delocated Movie Quote	added 5 months ago
[Jon wakes up while wearing a baseball girly shirt on] TB: P.J. McTouchdown's! Touchdown, everybody! Jon: [sees his favorite team shirt on] Whoa. When'd this happen? TB: Seriously? Well, I guess I'm not surprised. Outside of a few coerced interrogations, I've never seen a human being drink so much. The Glaze: Let's see if this triggers anything. The night began as a public-impulse therapy session at the local watering hole. Remember? [Jon's flashback intensifies] Jon: WHOO! SHOTS! Hey, man. Let's get some more shots. WHOO! SHOTS! [Jon's memory ends] Jon: I don't remember any of this. Did me and Eun Mi hook up? The Glaze: No, but there were plenty of tits. Jon: Whose tits? TB: You don't remember the tits? Jon: No. What are you talk-- What? [Jon's flashback intensifies] Jon: Oh, "Ladies done gone nuts" crew in the house! The Glaze: Jon, remember this is still a session. Jon: Hmm? The Glaze: Impulse therapy. Eun Mi: Oh! Oh, if you do it, I will do it. The Glaze: COME ON, JON! BE IMPULSIVE! Jon: [to the crew] Hey! Hey! Over here! Over here! Check this out! [Jon removes his ski mask in front of the camera after putting it back on] [Jon's memory ends] Jon: I flashed my face?! The Glaze: Yes. TB: What happened? The Glaze: Frankly, I think it was positive. Think about when you pass gas, Jon. That's your body releasing pressure. Well, flashing your face is like opening a psychological exhaust valve. TB: This is not a psychological fart. This is a major security fart. Jon: Hey, everybody, stop calling my face a fart. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 5 months ago
Jon: Hi. I'm here to see Eun Mi. Eun Mi's Daughter: You man date daughter? Jon: Oh. Uh, yes, ma'am. My name is Jon. Eun Mi's Daughter: Eun Mi no here. Jon: Oh. Um...okay. We had a date tonight. Do you know where she might be? Eun Mi's Daughter: Yeah, she die. Jon: Excuse me? Eun Mi's Daughter: She die. Jon: Alright, hold on a sec. [chuckles] Am I not understanding your accent? I mean, are you saying something else? She -- Is she tired? Eun Mi's Daughter: No. She die. Jon: She died? Oh, my -- Really? Hold on a second. Hold on a second. I got it. Okay. Okay, good one. Good one. Like mother, like daughter, right? You speak perfect English. You just [bleep] with me. I'd go the funeral. You both show up, have a good laugh. Very funny. Very good accent. Eun Mi? We should go, please. Eun Mi's Daughter: No! She not here, She die. You see candle. I'm mourning. [voice breaking] Very sad. Jon: Alright. Here's...flowers...in case she really is dead. Um, I'm very skeptical of this. I really think this is bull [bleep] but look -- If it's not, then I'm so sorry. But if it is, then it's [bleep] not cool. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 5 months ago
[Jon eats dinner with headphones at a diner] TB's Mom: Does he need to be here? TB: You know I can't leave his side. But he's listening to music so we can have a private conversation. TB: [making sure] JON! TB: Mom, you're my mother. But you're also Renee -- A sexual being with carnal urges and desires. Your happiness means more to me than the fact that you're dating some despicable douchebag. TB: Look. I'm okay if you want to have some post-divorce [bleep] fest. TB's Mom: [gasps] Jon: [chuckles] Post-divorce [bleep] fest. [singing] Post-divorce [bleep] fest! Rock 'n' roll tonight! Pearl Jam. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 5 months ago
[after Todd got bruised and head on back to Russian Social Club] Sergei: [reads a note] "Dragon has awoken from slumber. Fire burns hot in belly, soon to roar like angry sun". It's that all? Todd Barry: [slurred] They said to also hit Mishka with these. [holds nunchucks] Sergei: They want Mishka to hit you with these? Todd Barry: No. No. No. No. He said -- Sergei: Very well, Mishka! Todd Barry: Oh, no, no. Sergei: Come. Todd Barry: You hit him. No! You -- Oh, no. Sergei: Hit Todd Barry. Todd Barry: No. No. No. Mishka: Really?! Todd Barry: [meant Mishka] You're supposed to hit him. You're supposed to hit -- No, don't! [Mishka hits Todd Barry with nunchuks] Mishka: I feel like tough guy. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 5 months ago
Eun Mi: I cannot believe I got to wale on Todd Barry. Jon: Oh, yeah. I knew you'd like that. I knew you'd like that. Eun Mi: That is two fun-as-hell dates. Jon: Now the only question is, uh, think you can top it? Eun Mi: Challenge accepted. Jon: Well, alright. Mwah. Eun Mi: Have a good night, Jon. Jon: I already did. Now it's time to find out if you're a shab in habs clothing. Shab -- "Smart, Hot, Asain Babe". [Eun Mi leaves] Jon: T-minus five dates till Jonny gets laid. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 5 months ago
Qi-Qang: Our guest tonight who impersonated you and tried to get you killed. Now is your chance for payback. [as Qi-Qang removes the sack, the culprit reveals to be Todd Barry, which makes them found the wrong impersonator they thought Jon meant] Todd Barry: What the [bleep]? Eun Min: Holy [bleep] Todd Barry! Qi-Qang: [to his members] YOU IDIOTS GOT THE WRONG GUY! Todd Barry: This a mistake, man. Jon: No, it's not a mistake . This is -- This is what I planned. Qi-Qang: Shut up! This will still send a message to The Mirminskys. The murder of Bohai was the final straw. But tonight begins the storm...of revenge. Jon: Oh, yeah. Back up, baby. Todd Barry: No. No. No. No. Please. No, this is a mistake! I'm not even the right guy! Jon: No, it's not a mistake. This is what I planned for my girlfriend. Todd Barry: No! Jon: Remember how we talked about it? Todd Barry: I'd-- That's not -- Jon: And this is the part where I say that I'm sorry I got to do this. Todd Barry: Please. Please, no. Jon: I can do this, right? Wang Cho Member #3: Big, hard Jon. Jon: Yeah, big, hard Jon. Wang Cho Member #3: Big, hard Jon. Jon: Yeah, I can do this. Todd Barry: No! No! This is a mistake! [Jon nunchuks Todd] Jon: WHOO! OH, YEAH! WHOOOOOOO! That felt good! [to Eun Mi] You got to get on this! Eun Mi: Hold my purse. Todd Barry: No, you're a fan of mine. I can't do comed-- [Eun Mi nunchuks Todd] Jon: YEAH! Eun Mi: WHOO! Jon: Let's get dinner! Eun Mi: Yeah! – Delocated Movie Quote	added 5 months ago
[Jon and Eun Mi follows Qi-Qang to the Wang Cho's basement] Eun Mi: Are we eating here? Jon: Uh, yeah, I think we are. [Jon sees a interrogation scene where a man is tied up with a sack on his face] Jon: Oh, you know what? No, we're not eating here. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 5 months ago
Eun Mi: Oh, my god. What is going on with your pants? Jon: Double crease. I drew the crease-piration from you, my lovely Kimono. Eun Mi: If this is how the night is starting, it is a really bad sign. Where are we going -- Back to your apartment for a candlelit dinner or something lame? Jon: Uh... [scoffs] No, of course not. Why would I do something that stupid? [chuckles] Eun Mi: Okay, then. What's the plan? Jon: Uh...you'll see. I got a couple surprises up my crease. Eun Mi: Oh, no, no, no. I need to know exactly what it is. If it's something lame, tell me so I don't waste my night. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 5 months ago
Jon: Man, teaching you to drive stick. The Glaze is a great stepdad. TB: He's not my stepdad. Jon: Not yet. First comes stroke, then comes marriage. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 5 months ago

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