Timothyj.29104's Quotes Page #113

Here's the list of quotes submitted by timothyj.29104  —  There are currently 6,915 quotes total — keep up the great work!

[Jon judges the results of who will really be Jon's best friend]

Jon:
This was a real tough deciz. But in the end, there was one bromingo that I can see myself pulling a quality hang with night after night as we pound brews and bang babes.

[drumroll]

Jon:
And that dawg...that dawg was Ronnie!

Ronnie:
YEAH! [bleep] YEAH! WHOO!

Jon:
Dude, I am psyched to start the Ronnie and Jonny breakdance team. [singing] Ow! Pop and lock. Oh oh-eh-oh-eh oh! [laughs]

Ronnie:
Definitely! But, uh, how about we get the money thing all squared away first? Million dollars, right?

Jon:
...

Jon:
[to the contestants] ...Hold up, guys. Hold up. Uh, if any of you are here for the friendship, you can come right back here, line up. We'll re-vote, and I'll high five the new winner.

Jon:
But if you are here for the money, then get out.

[the contestants leaved]

Ronnie:
[to Jon] Go [bleep] a sandwich, butthole! [dances his way out at the door]

[as all the other contestants leaved, Jay 2 decided to participate]

Jon:
I'm sorry, Jay. Get the [bleep] out of here.

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

[Jon judges which contestant will be Jon's best friend]

Contestant #443:
Man, this sandwich from Nicky's is awesome! Sure wish I could take it to the rage cage. Or the bone zone! Pffrt!

Susan Shapiro:
If I may, t-that's just a little kiss-assy.

Contestant #978:
I really badly want to be your friend.

The Glaze:
And can I just find out -- What happened to your last best friend?

Contestant #978:
My last best friend, uh, was murdered.

Susan Shapiro:
I'm sorry.

Jon:
Very sorry to hear that.

Contestant #182:
Well, a lot of people tell me that from this angle I look like John Cougar Mellencamp. And that, uh, from this side, it's Kid Rock. What do you think, Jon?

David:
Yeah. I -- I don't know. He just sort of creeps me out.

Jon:
[to 182] Take a walk, beantown.

Jon:
Can you tell us what you bring to the table as far as being my best friend?

Contestant #524:
Hoops. We could go out and shoot hoops together.

Jon:
I like hoops.

Contestant #146:
[playing air guitar with no audio] That's, um, "Whenever I Call You Friend"...by Kenny Loggins.

Jon:
[to 773] And can you tell us why you think you're qualified to be my best friend?

Contestant #773:
[does some sick dance moves]

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

[Jon wrote a comment to Fake Jon to stop making Real Jon as a mess]

Jon:
[types] "Dear Fake Jon, allow me to introduce myself. I'm the..

[cuts to the Russian Social Club base]

Mishka:
[sees the comment what Jon typed] Real Jon. I'm writing you today to let you know that I do not like your page. Please take down page immediately, or I will have internet cops involved".

Yvgeny & Mishka:
[laughs]

Mishka:
[laughing] Internet cops!

Yvgeny:
[laughing] Internet cops!

Mishka:
Are there internet cops?

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

Jon:
Uh, say that I have a sweet loft. Uh, mention the million-dollar friend contest.

TB:
You know what I like to do? Look up old girlfriends. It's a legal way of keeping in touch.

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

Mishka:
Great to meet you, Sergei. Been waiting long time. You're tinier than I thought you'd be.

Sergei:
And look at you. You look like pathetic old lady.

Mishka:
Oh. I knit something for secret project, Sergei.

Yvgeny:
Quiet, Mishka.

Sergei:
Secret project?

Mishka:
Yes.

Sergei:
That sounds like fun.

Mishka:
It will be fun. Look. [gives Sergei a replice of Jon's mask] You like?

Sergei:
I do. Now, go get me some COFFEE, MISHKA!

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

Todd Barry:
So, Sergei, this big plan of yours to let Jon make the Wang Chos fall apart -- Word on the street is it ain't working.

Sergei:
Plan going very well. People can start dying any minute now. People who look just like you, Todd Barry.

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

David:
Whoa, Dad. There's already a page for you.

Jon:
What? Seriously?

David:
Yeah. Look.

Jon:
What? Click on the photos.

[David clicks on the photos online on Journalface.net]

Jon:
The hell? What is this one? Sandwich humper. The [bleep] is this?

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

The Glaze:
Don't worry. Your friends are right here, Jon. [referring to TB and himself]

Jon:
No, you guys don't count. You're professional relationships.

David:
I'm a professional relationship?

Jon:
David, I have to hang out with you, alright? I'm obligated to. I can't just call you up and be all like, "What's up, brah? Let's go grab a couple falaf sandies, wash 'em down with some ice-cold 'ronas...check out some tush". You're my son. I can't be all like, "What's up, brah? Yeah, brah"!

David:
I get it.

Jon:
Oh, yeah, brah.

David:
Why don't you just go on the internet? There are tons of people there looking for friends.

Jon:
That's not a bad idea.

TB:
I'm part of an Abu Ghraib Alumni Group. We plan a lot of fun activities. We just had a big car wash.

David:
Nice. How much money did you guys raise for the troops?

TB:
...It's a good idea for next time.

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

Jon:
[screaming]

TB:
Jon! What's going on?

Jon:
I just realized something. I don't have any friends.

TB:
[to his walkie talkie] Negative.

David:
What's going on?

TB:
Stand down. He's just having an existential crisis.

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

Trish:
I'm sorry I had sex with Jon. At first, I was just getting off on how dangerous it was, but then, after a while, I started getting off on messing with Jon's head. In the end, it wasn't like I was screwing Jon. It was like I was screwing over his soul. I was screwing him for you.

Yvgeny:
I'm sorry, too, Trish.

Trish:
Why are you sorry?

Yvgeny:
Earlier tonight, I got a Todd Barry.

Trish:
What's a Todd Barry?

Yvgeny:
It's a euphemism for when you get mouth sex from a desperate woman in a comedy-club bathroom. I won't do it again. I'm sorry.

Trish:
No, baby this is what I had in mind when I started going out with a mob guy. I want us to both have affairs and then have, like, wicked fights about it, you know, and then, have, like, awesome, crazy make-up sex.

Sergei:
Enough!

[pans to the next scene where Sergei points 2 guns at Yvgeny and Trish forcing them to have sex while in bed]

Sergei:
Continue to have get-back-together sex.

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

[as Jon was about give Trish a marriage ring, someone interrupts it]

Sergei:
I do.

Trish:
Sergei.

Sergei:
[to Jon] Have you been enjoying having sex with Yvgeny's girlfriend?

[Jon looks to Trish]

Trish:
Um...are -- Are you gonna kill us?

Sergei:
Him, soon enough. You... [sighs] I have too much respect for your balls to ever harm a single hair on your head. There is car out back. Go wait.

Trish:
Sorry, Jon. Nothing personal. Just -- Danger gets me so wet. Alright, tell David I said hi. Bye.

[Trish leaves]

Sergei:
[to Jon] As for you...seems like everyone's been sampling Jon. [eats the wedding ring in front of Jon]

[Sergei leaves]

Jon:
"Holy [bleep]".

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

[Jon gives TB a note to read for Trish]

TB:
"Trish, I handed this to T.B. to read because I'm not talking, but just to be clear, this is me saying this, not T.B. as a matter of fact, T.B., please go crouch behind me so Trish can look at me while you read it so it appears that I'm Jon".

[TB crouch behind Jon]

TB:
"Okay, T.B., when you're behind me, continue with the letter. Trish, I believe everything happens for a reason. My voice got sampled by a techno dj. That led me to get so angry that I stopped talking. That led me to your...vagina...and our all-day bone-a-thons. Whether it was in the cemetery or the...back of T.B.'s car --"

TB:
Really, Jon? Really, my car?

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

Todd Barry:
Oh, hey, Steph. Do you know Yvgeny? Used to be a comic.

Steph:
Weren't you that guy who told all the vodka jokes?

Yvgeny:
[drunk] She screw whoever she wants, whenever she wants, no emotions! I'm gonna do that.

Yvgeny:
[to Steph] You want to have sex in the bathroom?

Steph:
Sure.

Yvgeny:
Good.

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

[Yvgeny makes a deal with the Wang Cho gang to kill Jon]

Qi-Qang:
Your visit is very...unexpected. How can we help you, Boss Mirminsky?

Yvgeny:
I do not come here as Boss Mirminsky. I come here as Furious Yvgeny.

Qi-Qang:
What is the source of your...fury?

Yvgeny:
My girlfriend, Trish, she is sleeping with another man -- A man you know well...A MAN NAMED JON!

Qi-Qang:
Continue.

Yvgeny:
I know Jon pays you to protect him, but...I am asking you to kill Jon. Whatever he pays, I will pay triple. I just want him gone!

Qi-Qang:
It takes big balls to come here and speak to us like this.

Yvgeny:
Thank you. I really needed to hear someone say that about my balls.

Qi-Qang:
But the answer is no. I'm sorry.

Yvgeny:
Okay. [leaves]

Bohai:
Who is Trish going to sleep with next? A bottle of vodka?

Wang Cho Members:
[laughter]

Bohai:
I'll be right back. I have too drain my main eggroll.

[while Yvgeny walks out of Wang Cho Headquarters, Bohai comes to ask Yvgeny for some great news]

Bohai:
Psst. Hey! I will kill Jon.

Yvgeny:
[gasps] Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Bohai:
I'll be in touch regarding payment.

Yvgeny:
Thank you. Thank you. It will be our secret. Shh! Thank you.

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

[while Jon is still going on silent strike, Jon gets a talking suit]

David:
You know, I don't know what's more annoying -- The silent strike or the suit.

Trish:
Oh, come on, David. It's fun! I'm just bored of the silence. I want to hear your Dad's voice. You know, especially in the bedroom. [chuckling]

[Trish presses one of Jon's line button]

Jon:
"Frrt"!

Trish:
[laughing] That's the best.

David:
That's gross.

Jon:
"Good morning. Good -- Good -- Good -- Good -- Good morning".

David:
Yeah, you said that already. I was just, uh, showing Trish my new shoes. I was telling her how usually you would never buy these for me since they're crazy-expensive, but the other day, when I asked you or your credit card to see if I could take it and use it to buy these, you didn't say anything. So, technically, you weren't saying no, so I figures it was cool.

Jon:
"Not cool".

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

[Sergei shows a footage to his brother, where Trish is having sex with Jon]

Todd Barry:
Ooh. That ain't a spin class.

Sergei:
Get the [bleep] out of here, Todd Barry!

Yvgeny:
[to Sergei] I want you to kill Jon!

Sergei:
No.

Yvgeny:
Then I want you to kill Trish!

Sergei:
Yvgeny, I was the one that got here to have affair. I wanted you to break up with her. I did not know she was going to have affair with Jon...and to have sex on papa's grave. [laughs] The king-kong sized balls on this woman. I have too much respect for her, and so should you.

Yvgeny:
I DON'T! I HATE HER BALLS!

Sergei:
This how you run crime family. She screw whoever she want, whenever she want, wherever she want! No emotion! Just like you should do!

Yvgeny:
I ORDER YOU TO KILL JON!

Sergei:
NO! YOU'RE NOT THINKING WITH YOUR BRAIN! You're thinking with your thing meat. [close up to Yvgeny's face] And I do not take orders from thing meats.

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

[Todd talks about Trish]

Todd Barry:
You know, she reminds me a lot of this comedy-club waitress who blew me in a supply closet last week in Tucson.

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

Trish:
I had sex with a blind guy once. That was pretty hot. But silent sex is way hotter. That, coupled with the excitement of getting caught. I mean, like, if your bodyguard came in or something.

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

Svetlana:
How are you and Yvgeny?

Trish:
He's good. We're good.

Svetlana:
That doesn't sound too happy.

Trish:
I know. I thought going out with a mob boss would be, like, way more exciting, you know? It was at first. I mean, within the first week, I saw somebody get killed, like, right in front of me. It was, like, really thrilling, but, like, y'know, super scary, but then I have to, like, beg Yvgeny to have sex with me afterwards.

Svetlana:
Ah. Sergei always has sex with me after he kills someone.

Trish:
That is what I want. I just -- I thought it would be, like, way more dangerous and hot, you know?

[Trish hears Bone Zone at a party]

Trish:
That's Jon. I didn't know he was a singer.

Svetlana:
You know what would really be dangerous? If you had sex with Jon.

Trish:
[laughs] WHAT?! Are you serious right now? Because I will do that, so...

Svetlana:
If Yvgeny found out, he would go crazy. What could be more dangerous?

Trish:
Oh, my god. I'm totally gonna [bleep] Jon.

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 6 months ago

Jon:
Somebody is taking my voice and making dance music with it.

Susan Shapiro:
Right. I know.

Jon:
Oh. Good. So your lawyers have sent a cease-and-desist letter?

Susan Shapiro:
Why would we do that? It's huge in Russia. As of last week, Bone Zone was number 7 on the charts. The kids out there know this show because of the Mirminskys, and they love to dance. It's a no-brainer.

Jon:
Oh, so then the royalty checks are in the mail, or do I get direct house?

Susan Shapiro:
No, you're not getting any money from the song.

Jon:
What?! [scoffs]

Susan Shapiro:
Jon. The network owns the rights to Delocated!, so any and al things you say when the cameras are rolling belong to the network. Same goes for the songs. Meat Suite, Bone Zone, Rage Cage -- Any profits go to the network.

Jon:
This is bull [bleep]. You guys are taking advantage of me and my golden pipes.

Susan Shapiro:
I'm sorry that you feel like that, but it's clearly stated in your contract.

Jon:
Now, you listen here, Suzie Q! People watch this show to hear what I have to say. You got it? If I'm not getting a percentage of that, then I'm not talking. Good luck cashing the royalty checks without any Bone Zones coming out of this mouth. I'm on a silent strike.

Susan Shapiro:
Fair enough. You do whatever you feel you need to do. But be advised -- The network now owns the rights to the phrase, Silent Strike.

[Jon was about to say something else, until he realizes that he learns to shut up 'cause he already knows what the network gonna do next]

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 6 months ago

Jon:
I had another dream about Susan from network last night.

The Glaze:
Oh. Was it another...uh...

Jon:
Cream dream? Yeah. Big-time.

The Glaze:
Ninth one this week.

The Glaze:
Jon, clearly Susan's rejection of you has caused an enormous mental strain on both you and your night snake.

Jon:
Yeah, and my penis, too.

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 6 months ago

[Yvgeny, Sergei, and Trish came by to the cemetary for Yvgeny, and Sergei's father's grave]

Sergei:
Being here makes me want to kill Jon.

Trish:
Why don't you?

Sergei:
We have truce.

Trish:
What truce?

Sergei:
it's complicated.

Yvgeny:
It's not complicated. You know Jon -- He has a tv show in a ski mask.

Trish:
Yeah.

Yvgeny:
Well, first, we tried to kill Jon. Then, we tried to kill everyone around Jon instead. Then, he hire Wang Cho to kill Sergei --

Sergei:
Let's go.

Yvgeny:
...but they kill...papa.

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 6 months ago

[Pete comes by at Jon's bar to say some serious news about Susan Shapiro]

TB:
[to Jon] Benedict Arnold -- 12:00.

Jon:
What are you doing here? None of us are cold. We don't need any warming up around here.

Radio:
[audience laughter]

Pete Fontaine:
I know.

Jon:
Then get out. I fired you.

Pete Fontaine:
Look, Susan told me there's nothing going on between the two of you, alright? Otherwise, I would have never made a move. In any case, we broke up. Being with her just...got to be too annoying.

Jon:
[scoffs] Tell me about it.

Pete Fontaine:
No. No, Susan's great, okay? S-She's smart and savvy, and she's just a sweetheart. It's just...every time we were together, your name kept coming up. Jon's such an asshole. Jon's so annoying. Sorry -- I have to cancel dinner plans because I have to go to set 'cause Jon's being a baby again.

Jon:
But your point is that my name kept coming up.

Pete Fontaine:
No, Jon. I came here to say [bleep] you on behalf of Susan, alright? Me? Me? I'm -- I'm gonna be fine. I'll meet somebody else. I-It's not me who's had her love life destroyed because she constantly has to babysit some selfish, smug, whiny, petulant, egomaniacal, manchild, douche bag asshole! You -- You don't need a warm-up guy for your life, Jon. You need God to come down from heaven and apologize to everyone for screwing up so bad when he made you!

Pete Fontaine:
You know what? You know what? Do us all a favor and let the Mirminskys kill you already.

[Qi-Qang approved that message while playing the track laugh effect on radio]

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 6 months ago

The Glaze:
Cheer up, Jon. The relationship is a tricky beast. It's hard to tame. And don't forget -- It didn't work out in the end for the real Sam and Diane.

Jon:
Yeah, but at least he got to put his Sam up her Diane a few times before it ended.

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 6 months ago

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