Timothyj.29104's Quotes Page #115

Here's the list of quotes submitted by timothyj.29104 — There are currently 6,915 quotes total — keep up the great work!

[after Jon and the cameraman gets caught by one of the nature folks] Jon: Where am I? Janeane: You're a guest in our home. Janeane's Husband: Which is also our headquarters. We're part of militia group called Freedom Now. We tortured your cameraman! And he told us everything -- Told us about how you live in Jewish York City. Jon: [referring to his cameraman] Wait, did he call it Jewish York City, or he called it New York and you called it Jewish -- Janeane's Husband: WHAT'S THE [bleep] DIFFERENCE?! Jon: 'Cause I'll be very upset with you if you called it Jewish York, Craig! [referring to the cameraman's name] – Delocated Movie Quote	added 6 months ago
[TB came back and sees Jon has disappeared] TB: This is where I left him. Doesn't make any sense. [feels the leaves] Two sets of footprints. Jon was abducted. Here's the direct number to the head of the FBI. Tell him Jon from Delocated! is missing. I need tow black hawks and 20 S.E.A.L.S asap. NOW GO! [the ranger troopers leave] TB: [to the camera guy] Nobody's coming. I gave them a fake number. I work better alone -- Rambo-style. OO-WHEEEEEEEEEEEE! – Delocated Movie Quote	added 6 months ago
[Jon fells down in the woods] TB: Hold on. What happened? Jon: oh, I think I broke my leg. TB: Geez, let me see. Let me see. [TB hold Jon's leg] Jon: [groans] No. OW! TB: Relax. Jon: [groans] TB: Alright, alright, alright, alright, it's not broken -- Just a bad sprain. Jon: Ah! How do you know? TB: You wouldn't be able to bend it at all. Jon: [groans] No. You're wrong. It's broken. TB: Alright, there was a rangers' station a couple of miles back. One of you camera crew, stay there with Jon till I get back. The other one, come with me. Jon: DON'T LEAVE ME! MY LEG'S BROKEN! TB: It's not broken. It's just sprained. What a baby. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 6 months ago
Jon: I got to take a whiz. [pees on a tree] Oh, yeah, this is gorgeous -- Gorgeous spot for a piss. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 6 months ago
Jon: David, time to send you out to the woods, spend the night alone. 24 hours of pure survival. You can forget about your Ska Mitzvah. Now you become a real man. Jon: This is your overnight man sack. Everything you need is right inside -- One compass, one canteen, one water-purification tablet, one match. Rest is up to you. Come back a man, we'll take off that wig. Good luck. David: Seriously? Jon: Go git! [David leaves to survive the woods] Jon: GIT! David: This is ridiculous. Jon: Want some advice? Don't die! – Delocated Movie Quote	added 6 months ago
Qi-Qang: You are light again. Second week in a row. Not good. Yingtai: Todd Barry has not come around for a while. I think maybe he's on tour. Bohai: Oh, Todd Barry is not on four. [Yingtai checks Bohai's laptop to see that Todd Barry is married to someone else] Yingtai: TODD BARRY ENGAGED!? [brutally stomps on Bohai's computer couple of times] – Delocated Movie Quote	added 6 months ago
Todd Barry: Svetlana, you know I don't want to have kids, right? Svetlana: Mm-hmm. Todd Barry: They're stupid. They smell. They're disgusting. They eat up a lot of your time. Seems like a nightmare. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 6 months ago
Todd Barry: Svetlana and I have been spending a lot of time together. At first, it was me just paying for sex and blow jobs, but at some point, I realized it was more than that. It was me paying for sex, blow jobs...and love. Trish: Aww. Todd Barry: So, who do I have to ask to marry this young woman, huh? Is she a Mirminsky? Sergei: She's had so many Mirminskys inside of her, she might as well be. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 6 months ago
[Sergei sees Todd Barry with his girlfriend] Todd Barry: [baby voice] I have to drain the binky. Svetlana: Oh. Todd Barry: [baby voice] I got to go wee-wee. From my binky. Svetlana: [baby voice] Baby-waby. Todd Barry: [baby voice] I'll be right backy. Svetlana: Okay. Sergei: [to Todd's Girlfriend] You spend too much time with Todd Barry. Don't forget about other clients. Svetlana: Stop! Same money if I see 100 men or one man 100 times. Maybe Sergei's a jealous? Sergei: Jealous? Of Todd Barry's binky? Svetlana: It's very nice binky. Sergei, you had your chance to make me your wife -- And you said no. Svetlana: I know you still love me. You're too proud to say so. Sergei: Svetlana... [Todd comes back listening to some of his tunes on his computer] Todd Barry: yeah. Yep. Pretty good, right? It's called Love Theme for Svetlana. I made it in garage band this morning -- Took me 10 minutes. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 6 months ago
Jon: [to David] Come on, let's go. No Mirminskys, no Chos -- Just a father, son, their bodyguard, and the great outdoors. I am PUMPED! TB: Me too. [bleep] is gonna get primal. OO-WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! – Delocated Movie Quote	added 6 months ago
[Jon gives his son a wig] David: What is this? Jon: Until you can prove to mother nature that you are a man, you are nothing but a little girl, and you're look like a little girl. The Glaze: Oh, dear. Who's this cutie pie? And what's you're name, darling? David: This is so stupid. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 6 months ago
David: Are we going camping? Jon: Uh, me and T.B. are going camping. You are heading out to the wilderness to fend for yourself and become a man -- Either that or die trying. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 6 months ago
Jon: [singing] [to David] Time, time. Time to get up. Time to get up and get out of bed. Let's go. Get up. Out of bed. David: What time is it? Jon: It's 4:00 A.M. Let's go. Get dressed. Pack some clothes. Meet me in the living room. David: For what? Jon: Rite of Passage, son. [singing] Rite of passaaaaage! – Delocated Movie Quote	added 6 months ago
[Jon goes to spa in Chinatown] Jon: Where are those massage girls, huh? Come on. My weiner's at goldfish level. [laughs] Get it? Get those massage girls in here, I'll get it up to sea bass level. A little extra work, get it up to barracuda. Then shark. Then whale. Blue whale. [laughs] You probably thought I was gonna say sperm whale, right? [laughs] Threw you a curveball. Don't dig in too tight in the batter's box when this guy's on the mound. 'CAUSE I'LL BRING THE HEAT! – Delocated Movie Quote	added 6 months ago
[after another episode of Midnight Munchingtons] Jon: [wakes up] What's going on? How was the show last night? TB: Midnight Munchingtons got canceled two days ago. Jon: Oh. The Glaze: Susan canceled it. We've ben wanting to tell you, but you've been asleep for 72 hours, Jon. Jon: [scoffs] Where's Marlo? TB: You two broke up. Jon: Sleep Jon let a shmokin' piece of tush like that get away? [chuckles] Oh, man. What a homo. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 6 months ago
[The Glaze shows Susan Shapiro his own pilot of the show he made by himself] The Glaze: The show will focus extensively on the psychological and emotional work I've been doing with all my celebrity clients. It's called "Healin' Your Feelin's with The Glaze". Susan Shapiro: Brad and Angelina. Maggie and Jake. You've really worked with all these people? The Glaze: ... The Glaze: Nope. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 6 months ago
[Jon asks for help with the Wang Cho Gang with his sleep problems] Jon: There's Awake Jon, and then there's Sleep Jon. I need to figure out a way to get Awake Jon to a place where he is as happy, if not happier, than Sleep Jon. Got to talk to Marlo. But how? Guess what. Same dick. She doesn't want the day dick. She wants the night dick. I'm sorry. Am I boring you? It's called Super Dragon level. You have to listen! She doesn't have to have sex with Awake Jon, but she very well better have respect for him. [crying] And I don't like the fact that everyone likes Sleep Jon more than Awake Jon! Qi-Qang: THAT'S IT! SUPER DRAGON LEVEL EXPIRED! GET OUT! Jon: What do you mean, expired? Qi-Qang: Super Dragon Level lasts only two weeks! Jon: Fine. Sign me up for two more weeks. Qi-Qang: NO! SUPER DRAGON LEVEL SIGN-UP IS TOMORROW! YOU SHUT THE [bleep] UP AND GET OUT! Jon: Fine. I'll be back tomorrow, then. Meng Yao: Go see a therapist! – Delocated Movie Quote	added 6 months ago
The Glaze: Alright, Jon. Let's begin our bathtub therapy session. When you're ready. Jon: [talking while sinking in the bathtub] I hate dating Marlo in my sleep! I want to be awake for it! It's just not fun! The Glaze: That's right, Jon. Now I want you to shift gears a little bit. We've done the verbal thing. I would like you to visualize all your feelings. [Jon draws a happy face when he's sleeping, and draws a frown face when he's awake] The Glaze: I'm really sorry, Jon. I'm gonna have to cut this session short. I've got a pitch meeting with Susan from the network. Yep. Wish me luck. [chuckles] Jon: Wait a minute! Who -- Who am I supposed to talk to now? – Delocated Movie Quote	added 6 months ago
[Marlo joins Jon for cargo short from Jon's cooking while sleepwalking] Jon: Pretty sweet, huh? Buy 12 pockets, get two pockets free. Marlo: [chuckles] Jon: Not bad. Marlo: Yeah. Jon: You know, it's too bad your name isn't Lorraine, 'cause, uh, I wouldn't mind taking a bite out of this quiche. Marlo: ...You know, I-I think I've made a mistake. I'm sorry, Jon. It was nice meeting you. [leaves] Jon: What just happened? Things were going so great. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 6 months ago
Jon: Yeah, I think want to celebrate. Go to Bloomie's, get a new pair of cargo shorts. I hear they make a pair that has 12 pockets. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 6 months ago
[aftermath from Midnight Munchingtons] The Glaze: Hey! Great job, sleepyhead. The show was a huge success! Jon: Yeah! What did I make? The Glaze: A Noreweigan Benedict. Jon: Yeah? Did you save me some? TB: No. Jon: Hey, Susan. Uh, w-what do you think of the show? Susan Shapiro: It was great. I'll get you a copy of the tape very soon. Speak to you later. [leaves] Jon: What just happened? What -- What's wrong? TB: You ended up trying to have sex with her pillow again. The Glaze: Fifth base. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 6 months ago
Jay 2: Good luck, Jon. Jon: [while sleepwalking] Hey...get out! Get out of here, Jay. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 6 months ago
Jon: Guys, I come with good news. Turns out, I just had Nocturnal Cooking Syndrome. It's cooking in my sleep -- Sleep-cooking. Anyway, uh, my point is, I'd like to get my money back and go back to Goldfish Level. Qi-Qang: Yes, about that -- We just receive threat from Mirminsky family. I actually recommend you upgrade from Dragon Level to Super Dragon Level. Extra $200,000. Jon: No way, man! Come on! Qi-Qang: Very well. Remain at Dragon level. But...you know what the Mirminskys just sent us? This awl. It's like a screwdriver, but with a sharp point. Maybe Sergei use screwdriver right into your brain -- In and out, in and out. Gets me hard just thinking about it. Jon: Yeah, maybe, uh...why don't we try this Super Dragon level? That's a good call. Uh, hey, um...spa open? I could go for a nice schlong massage. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 6 months ago
The Glaze: Through our work together, Jon has managed to break into his subconscious, and there, he's tapped into some repressed creative impulse. Susan Shapiro: I just think we have something here -- Again, without the pillow rape. We just need a name. Jon: I got it. TB: Don't say it, Jon. Jon: Yes, T.B. It is the perfect name. TB: Jon [bleep] damn it. Don't you dare. [almost leaving the office] Jon: [to Shapiro] You know what T.B. used to call late-night snacks at Guantanamo? TB: How dare you, Jon. Jon: [to Shapiro] Midnight Munchingtons. Susan Shapiro: MIDNIGHT MUNCHINGTONS?! [TB quickly slammed the door on his way out] – Delocated Movie Quote	added 6 months ago

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