[both Xaviers see each other in person having a roast battle as they get out of the phone booth]
Xavier 1:
Listen, we don't cotton to freaks around these parts. Scram, weirdo.
Xavier 2:
Oh, yeah? I don't Polycotton to coping tropes, even my own, So why don't you split?
Xavier 1:
Looks like I already did.
Xavier 1:
You're the sad figment of my twisted psyche's tragic dividend. You're the un-me. I'm the real me. You want to be me?
Xavier 2:
Kiddo, I was the real me when you were still in my short pants.
Xavier 1:
Hate to break it to you, but I wore them first.
Xavier 1:
Me bequeathed thee the psychopathological hand-you-down.
Xavier 2:
So you're the one who stained them.
Xavier 1:
Whoever found it browned it.
Xavier 2:
You'd like me to be you, wouldn't me? But it's too late. You snoze, you loze.
Xavier 1:
You sleeped, you weeped.
Xavier 2:
You nap-uh, you get SLAP-uh.
Xavier 1:
You slumber, a cucumber.
Xavier 2:
You catch up on some zeds, you get out of my heads.
Xavier 1:
You slumber, ham-- BURGER! I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT NOTHING ELSE.
Xavier 2:
Listen, this psyche is not big enough for two metaphysical seekers.
Xavier 1:
You couldn't seek you way out of a cardboard bag.
Xavier 2:
Yeah, I know 'cause it would be an egg.
Xavier 1:
OOH! [thinking] This guy might be better than me.
Xavier 2:
You're right. I am better than me.
Xavier 1:
Look, buddy, know when you're defeated. Accept your defecation.
Xavier 2:
No, thanks. I'm full, 'cause I eat pussies like you for breakfast.
Xavier 1:
Look at you. You look so superficial, you probably judge things by their physical appearance.
Xavier 2:
Oh, yeah? Your Mom's so shallow, she probably thinks this quip is about her.
Xavier 1:
You're about as deep as a bowl of soup, and your tongue is about as sharp as a soup spoon.
Xavier 2:
Hey, say what you want about me, but lay off the soup.
Xavier 1:
If you love soup so much, why don't you marry soup.
Xavier 2:
'Cause I'm already married -- To justice.
Xavier 1:
Yeah, only a blind girl would marry you.
Xavier 2:
I know everything you're gonna do--
Xavier 1:
[hush Xavier 2] Say. And I know everything you're gonna--
Xavier 2:
[hush Xavier 1] Don't.
Xavier 1:
Oh, yeah? Well, when God was passing out insight, you thought he said "that" when God was passing out holy prophets, you thought he said "oily faucets." 'cause your soul has diarrhea of the mouth -- Faucet.
Xavier 2:
Are you so dumb, you even answer rhetorical questions?
Xavier 1:
I don't know. Do you?
Xavier 2:
We can play this game all night.
Xavier 1:
First of all, it's daytime, and this is no game.
Xavier 2:
Checkmate.
Xavier 1:
OH! So you admit that you're checking me out and you want to mate.
Xavier 2:
OOH! You got a license to sell hot dogs, chico man?
Xavier 1:
No. They wouldn't give it to me because when I was filling out the application, my penis was sticking out.
Xavier 2:
Oh, yeah? You only got one pen-eye?
Xavier 2:
Let me see it.
Xavier 1:
See with your eyes, not with your mouth.
Xavier 2:
I'll call your bluff. I'll see your penis with your mouth, and I raise you with my hand.
Xavier 1:
Ante up.
Xavier 2:
OH! DAMN IT!
Xavier 1:
What's wrong?
Xavier 2:
I crapped out, but I'm tough. I can suck it up. [grunts]
Xavier 1:
Okay. Count of three, we show what's under the loincloth. Wiener take all.
Xavier 1 & 2:
One, two, THREE.
[Xaviers shows both of their pen-eyes with different colors making a monster face with a rock on the bottom]
