Timothyj.29104's Quotes Page #116

Here's the list of quotes submitted by timothyj.29104  —  There are currently 6,261 quotes total — keep up the great work!

Mortimer:
Hey, did you guys know Michael just finished a set in London and had no panic attack?

Tammy:
You're kidding. That's great.

Bert:
He's the f***ing king of pop, you bitch. [pulls the gun on Tammy]

Rich Guy Divorcee:
Hey, I'm wacko for jacko too, assholes, but what the hell are you doing?

Bert:
Uh, destroying your ex-wife's house like you paid us to?

Tammy:
We turned that house into a gazebo.

Bert:
See? Right here. [shows the plan on paper]

Rich Guy Divorcee:
She lives two blocks down. You can see her house from here. I DREW you a picture.

Bert:
Oh. Oh, we must have the wrong house, then.

Rich Guy Divorcee:
God, yes, I know, retards.

Tammy:
Mick, he called you a retard.

Mick:
What in the --

[Mick light himself on fire to break down the Rich Guy Divorcee's house]

Mick:
REATRDS ATTACK!

Rich Guy Divorcee:
No, please, no don't! MY GUNPOWDER COLLECTION!

[the Rich Guy's house was then blown to smithereens]

Tammy:
Whoa. It's beautiful.

Soul Quest Overdrive  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

[Mick does surgery by removing the team's ribs]

Tammy:
Where am I?

Bert:
Hey, you removed all our ribs.

Mick:
Aye, so you can lick your balls. Enjoy.

Bert:
[tries to move] Yeah, I think you removed some of our muscles, too, idiot.

Mick:
Look, I'm not a surgeon, per se. I'm more like a roadie for Marilyn Manson. Well, was.

Mortimer:
Um, for the record I didn't really want to be able to lick my balls.

Mick:
Well, you should've made it clearer when I was courting you, you wee prick.

Tammy:
Do you think we could get our ribs back?

Bert:
[hears dog noises] Yo, what the f*** is that?

All Dogs:
RIBS! RIBS! RIBS!

Dog Alien:
[holding all the ribs] I ask you, who among us is a good boy?

All Dogs:
WE ARE!

Soul Quest Overdrive  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

Bert:
[sees a collar] Wow, you're into this, huh?

Elderly Man:
Oh, no. I broke out of that when I fled Dog Planet.

[dramatic music plays]

Elderly Man:
Oh, god, they know I'm here. BARK! BARK! BARK AT THE MOON! BARK! BARK! BARK AT THE MOON!

[Elderly Man unzips himself revealed to be a dog alien in disguise the whole time]

Mortimer:
Um, we should go.

Bert:
Hang on, this is cool.

[all the dog aliens shoot the entire place up]

Dog Alien:
Everyone, everyone gather around. Everyone feel free to clean your genitals in my home. It's a sanitation issue.

Mick:
This is nae so impressive. I can lick my own balls.

Bert:
Pfft. No, you can't.

Mick:
I'll show you, pal. [stabs the garden scissors in his body]

Soul Quest Overdrive  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

[Mortimer sees the Elderly Man trying to hump Bert]

Mortimer:
[clears throat] Um, nice to meet you.

Elderly Man:
Now roll up a newspaper and swat me. I've been bad. But first, let me leave something on the floor. [looking at Tammy] Let me earn it.

Mortimer:
Uh, my name's --

Elderly Man:
Mortimer, right?

Mortimer:
[surprised] Yeah.

Elderly Man:
And your name's [sniffs Tammy's butt] Sammy?

Tammy:
Uh, Tammy.

Elderly Man:
Mm. Threw me off. You must have been clenching your buttocks. [grabs and sniffs Tammy's butt again] Ooh. Smells like someone's a big fan of "The Boss".

Tammy:
I love Bruce Springsteen.

[police sirens wailing noises outside the window]

Elderly Man:
Oh, would you excuse me. [to the police cars] Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! W-what are you doing? W-where are you going? Where's the fire? I hope you put it out! I HOPE YOU PUT IT OUT! It's gone. They left.

Mortimer:
Uh, maybe we should be going too, right Bert?

Bert:
[stealing more stuff] Oh, no, we've still got time.

Soul Quest Overdrive  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

[Bert sees more pills in the Elderly Man's bathroom]

Bert:
Come to papa. [eat one of the pills] Son of a bitch. [to Elderly Man] Flea meds? Oh, man, I'm barely getting trails off of this. What's this? A slobbery tennis ball?

Elderly Man:
Throw it. Throw it. THROW IT, PLEASE! THROW IT!

Bert:
No, I'm not gonna throw it, because that would make you happy.

Elderly Man:
Do you like lipstick?

Bert:
What do you mean? [sees the Elderly Man coming to tackle] OH, GOD!

Soul Quest Overdrive  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

Elderly Man:
Who's there?

Bert:
Hey, it's your birthday. [rings doorbell] Come on, open the door. Look what I've got.

Elderly Man:
[opens his door] So hungry. Gimme. Gimme.

Bert:
Hey, now don't eat it all at once, alright? It's got to last the weekend, okay?

Elderly Man:
Give me food.

Bert:
Now, I'm just gonna set it over here in the heating vent. [slams down the dog food on the ground downwards] This way the aroma can waft through the house.

Elderly Man:
Come close. Let me smell your hand deeply to judge you friend or foe. [sniffs]

Bert:
Uh, can I use your bathroom for just a jiff?

Elderly Man:
Wait. Wait.

Bert:
No.

Soul Quest Overdrive  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

Mick:
Hey, pal. This sh*t tastes like dog sh*t by the way.

Bert:
Come on. That's delicious chicken and kibble. Just pressed into the shape of tiny steaks.

Mortimer:
You're going to serve it to them in a bowl?

Bert:
Hold on. I haven't activated the gravy yet.

[Bert pees in the bowl of tiny stakes]

Bert:
Mmm. See? See?

Mortimer:
[sighs] Well, at least it's protein.

Tammy:
Alright, let's do it.

Bert:
But Tammy, uh, you might lose shotgun, and then Mortimer's --

Mortimer:
No, no, no. It's cool. It's clearly dog food. I'm just gonna go chill in the car.

Bert:
YES!

[Mick eats the elderly dog's food bag]

Tammy:
No, that's for the old people.

Mick:
PUNK'S NOT DEAD!

[Mick bounces around the van like maniac and then smokes]

Tammy:
[realizes] Gross. It is dog food. [eats one of them]

Mortimer:
Yeah, I said that. I-I know that.

Tammy:
But why?

Mortimer:
Because he's gonna steal stuff from old people because we don't have anything.

Tammy:
...That's stealing.

Mortimer:
Tammy, the needs of the many. Outweigh the needs of the few. That's from "Star Trek".

Soul Quest Overdrive  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

Tammy:
Oh, I love doing meals-on-wheels.

Mortimer:
Yeah, this was actually a great idea, Bert.

Bert:
Yeah.

Mortimer:
Helping people who can't help themselves, giving back to the community --

Bert:
Shut up!

Soul Quest Overdrive  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

[Bert and Tammy takes Demon Baby at a play date]

Tammy:
Look at that. They're sharing.

[Demon Baby stings one of the other babies]

Bert:
Good hustle. Good hustle. Way to mix it up.

Tammy:
He's such a little jock. DOMINATE! THIS IS YOUR HOUSE!

Woman:
Hey, uh, yeah, ah -- I don't want to be one of those overbearing parents, but would it be too much trouble to ask if --

Bert:
Hey, lady, it would be too much to ask, you know? 'Cause your kid needs to step up his game.

Tammy:
[mocking] "Oh, I can't handle venom".

Bert:
[mocking] "Oh, boo-hoo-hoo. Oh, who wants to go to the hospital? Me, me, me". That's you. That's your kid.

Demon Baby:
[growls]

Woman:
Um...why is your baby staring at my crotch?

Bert:
Well, obviously you're menstruating.

Tammy:
He can smell that from a mile away. [to Bert] Just like his father.

[Demon Baby tackles and stings Woman]

Tammy:
You have to let them explore and discover on their own.

Bert:
Hey, you handle your own kid and we'll hand ours, alright?

Tammy:
I don't like the schools in this district.

Bert:
I don't like schools at all.

Tammy:
I want to see what school is like so he can drop out on his own -- You know, make his own mistakes.

Bert:
And he hasn't made one yet.

Tammy:
[laughing] I know. He's a f***ing miracle.

Soul Quest Overdrive  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

[Demon Baby pulls one of the plus electric cords]

Tammy:
Look! He's so smart.

Demon Baby:
'Lectric. 'Lectric.

Tammy:
He's learned to control it.

Soul Quest Overdrive  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

Bert:
I know what you're thinking. Me, a father?

[Demon Baby sting Mortimer]

Mortimer:
OW!

Bert:
But just look at that face. Don't just want to kiss it? Come on. Smooch it.

Mortimer:
No, no. No, thank you.

Bert:
Kiss it.

Mortimer:
I have enough --

Bert:
Come on. Smooch it.

Mortimer:
No, I'm not a baby person.

Bert:
Kiss it.

Mortimer:
No, no.

Bert:
Yes, you do.

Mortimer:
No. Take it away.

Bert:
Mortimer, come on.

Mortimer:
[sighs] Okay. One kiss. One kiss.

[Demon Baby brutally grabs Mortimer's eye]

Tammy:
Oh, he likes you.

Bert:
Adorable.

Mortimer:
Okay, I got to run.

Tammy:
Oh, wait, wait, wait. Don't go. We haven't opened presents yet.

Mortimer:
I know. I just got to lance these boils and then probably move to the roof.

Soul Quest Overdrive  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

[Mick tries to kill the demon baby]

Mick:
[sharping his ax] Just go the sleep, Mum and Dad. Just have a nap and we can end this. I'm gonna murder that bloody thing. I'm gonna sink this ax so deep in its head.

Soul Quest Overdrive  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

[Bert and Tammy show the Social Worker a baby carrier made out of disgusting objects]

Bert:
We won this from a homeless man who took this from a store that has hundreds of them, so it's legit.

Tammy:
And look, all the mess drops right through the bars. You just hose it down.

Bert:
Straps for safety. Wheels for mobility. Can for money to buy food for baby.

Social Worker:
Let...let...let me stop you right there. I've seen enough.

Tammy:
So do we get a baby? Do we?

Social Worker:
Yes.

Bert:
Awesome!

Tammy:
Oh, thank you.

Social Worker:
And here it comes.

[the Social Worker then squirt out a baby from his arse]

Mick:
That's hitting me, by the way.

Tammy:
He's beautiful.

Bert:
Aww.

Tammy:
He looks like me.

Demon Baby:
Da-Daddy!

Mick:
Bloody hell. Get an ax!

Tammy:
No, get a bottle! He's hungry.

[Tammy slaps Bert]

Bert:
Ow!

Tammy:
You WOKE him up!

Soul Quest Overdrive  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

Social Worker:
Hey, uh, what's with all the broken glass?

Mick:
It's fun to make, try it.

[Mick breaks the rum glass into his head]

Social Worker:
You know babies crawl, right?

Mick:
It's like a puzzle for the kids now. You give them a tube of glue and you watch them go. [sniffs]

Soul Quest Overdrive  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

Social Worker:
So, you're Mr. and Mrs. --

Bert:
Uh, no. We're not married. Uh, and I'm unemployed. Also I love drugs, and I make porn. You look like a reasonable man. Let's go make some porn over by the stove.

Social Worker:
Okay, yo...you're pushing.

Bert:
Alright. Pretend like you're cooking something. And, oh, what's that? You need a little spice. Where's that nutmeg? Oh, there it is. It's on the floor. Better bend over. Now I'm gonna come in with my rock hard two-inch bo--

Tammy:
Honey.

Bert:
What? I'm directing a scene here.

Tammy:
[to Social Worker] I'm sorry. Can you excuse us for a moment?

Bert:
[to Tammy] What? You're doing great.

Tammy:
[pulls up a knife up against his eye] Now, you listen and you listen good. We've already done the scene by the stove. Can't you have one original thought?

Bert:
[struggling] Baby --

Soul Quest Overdrive  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

[Mick tries to catch a rat by using cheese as bait]

Mick:
He's gonna get it.

[as Bert loads up his gun]

Tammy:
BERT!

Rat:
[rat noises] "He's got a gun"! [teleports]

Tammy:
Check out all these awesome african babies.

Mick:
Bloody bastard on a cross. You got to be right batty to waste your quid on something like that.

Tammy:
Why, they must be practically giving them away. We need one. Can we get one? Please?

Bert:
Are you insane? It'll ruin our life. Come on. There are things I need to do. [pops off a couple rounds with his gun in the sky]

Tammy:
But reading this article made me lactate.

Mick:
Cheers to that. Baby has to line up behind me first.

Mortimer:
Tammy, babies are a huge responsibility. You have to take care of them.

Bert:
Whoa, whoa, whoa. [loads up his gun] Are you saying I'm poor?

Mortimer:
No, no, no, no, Bert. No.

Bert:
Fine. Call the african baby broker right now.

Tammy:
Oh, thank you, Bert!

Mick:
Aye, do that. She'll take one look at this dump and haul ass out of here like she's on fire.

Soul Quest Overdrive  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

[Injured Man cuts off his torso with his keys to get out of his crushed car]

Tammy:
Oh, would you look at that.

Injured Man:
Ah, there we go.

Mortimer:
God helps those who helps themselves.

Tammy:
Yay, Jesus!

Injured Man:
F*** you, evangelicals.

[the injured man then gets taken by a hawk]

Mortimer:
You have an ointant weekend, okay?

Soul Quest Overdrive  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

Bert:
Oh my. It...it can't be.

[Bert sees an american tank with Jesus Christ]

Bert:
Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ:
Come my son, you are needed in the front lines of God's army.

Bert:
I'm coming, Jesus.

Jesus Christ:
So, you ever been in a tank before?

Bert:
Brrrrrr!

Jesus Christ:
What did you say?

Bert:
Sorry, sorry, I uh, just can't seem to stop shaking.

Jesus Christ:
It's okay. Doctor Jesus is here. [scratches Bert] You wound up like a spring my son. [uses lotion] Let me enlight you.

Bert:
Oh, that's great. [gets scratched real hard] Ow. Ow!

[Bert then realize he's been imagining Jesus as a tiger the whole time while inside of garbage bin]

Bert:
OH MY GOD! I don't understand the symbolism.

Mortimer:
[to Tammy] I'm not touching that thing. You open it.

Tammy:
Here. [puts a lock on garbage bin] Let's just let him rest.

Bert:
PRAISE JESUS!

Soul Quest Overdrive  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

Tammy:
Do it baby! Lift the car off him!

[as Bert was about to lift the car off of him again]

Bert:
[to his breasts] God. These close are like a sweltering prisint. Get them off me! No, no I need them. No, I need more. No, I need less. No, I need exactly what I have.

Tammy:
Honey?

[Bert sees a strange light]

Bert:
You guys see that, right?

Tammy:
What are you talking about, baby?

[Bert leaves to find where the strange light is coming from]

Mortimer:
Oh, fudge.

Soul Quest Overdrive  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

Tammy:
Hey everyone, Bert's back!

Mortimer:
Oh, hi Bert.

Injured Man:
Nice cans.

Bert:
Wow! Talk about an awkward situation. [laughs] God said I needed to score some angle dust to lift the car.

Mortimer:
[pauses] So um...where is it? Where's the PCP?

Bert:
Oh, I smoked it.

Mortimer:
...

Bert:
So, uh, what are you guys doing here?

Injured Man:
GET THIS CAR OFF YOU MOTHERF***ER!

Soul Quest Overdrive  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

Mortimer:
Oh, nachos!

[as Mortimer step inside the van, one of the injured man's intestines flies out]

Injured Man:
[struggling] Get up! Get up! Get up!

Mortimer:
Does anyone want any nachos?

Injured Man:
[struggling] Are those my kidneys?

[sees two buzzards fighting for the injured man's kidneys]

Mortimer:
Um, maybe?

Injured Man:
They look like mine.

Mortimer:
Weren't they're two of them?

Soul Quest Overdrive  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

[Mortimer sees an injured man that's stuck in his torso when the team's van crashed into his car on top of it]

Mortimer:
Jumping juicifer on a pogo stick!

Tammy:
That shouldn't killed him.

Bert:
NO. You saw me driving...you saw him jump out in the road.

Tammy:
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!

Bert:
Look, honey! See he's fine.

[the injured man vomits blood]

Bert:
That's...normal right?

Mortimer:
I think he's lost a lot of blood. Sir, is this all your blood? 'Cause it's a lot of blood.

Tammy:
LET'S GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!

Bert:
No. I will lift the car off of him.

[Bert tries to lift the car with all his might]

Bert:
I cannot lift this car off of him. I mean, look how big it is. Wait, I have an idea.

[Bert leaves to find something]

Mortimer:
Uh, what was his idea again?

Injured Man:
GET THE F***ING CARJACK, YOU'RE STANDING ON IT!

Mortimer:
Hey guys, what if we used this carjack?

Tammy:
Demonjack. May the vehicle science bathe into the river.

[Mortimer tries to throw the carjack into the river but failed miserably]

Soul Quest Overdrive  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

[Mortimer sees a man walking a dog]

Mortimer:
Guys, we've got a situation, 2:00.

Bert:
Hang on. Put in my gospel tape.

Tammy:
No.

Mortimer:
Bert.

Bert:
Put it in, bitch, or the thunder will roll down from the mountain and STOP AT THE SIDE OF YOUR HEAD!

[as Tammy puts in the gospel tape, Bert starts to murderously run over the man walking the dog as they keep going]

Bert:
[singing] Amen! Sing it from the --

[Mortimer and Tammy sees unfinished road right ahead]

Mortimer:
Bert, Bert, Bert, Bert, BERT!

Tammy:
Bert, honey, look out!

Bert:
You look out, bitch!

[as they fall down from the unfinished road, they crashed into someone's car]

Bert:
Wow. My boobs are okay.

Soul Quest Overdrive  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

[the sport pieces find some interesting stuff in the old lady's purse]

Bert:
Let's see what we got.

Mortimer:
Hmm, moth balls, moth balls, moth balls, moths, and a pot some hormones.

Bert:
Ooh.

Mortimer:
Bert, slow down those will give you boobs.

Bert:
Well, let's roll the dice.

[Bert eats one of the hormone balls]

Tammy:
Bert, no.

Bert:
Just to take the edge off, honey.

Soul Quest Overdrive  Movie Quote

added 5 months ago

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