Timothyj.29104's Quotes Page #13

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Judas: Ladies and gentlemen, we've come to witness DJ Jesus attempt the most dangerous escape of them all -- The Resur-Rocktion! Judas: DJ Jesus will be placed into this sarcophagus, which will be lowered into this freshly dug grave. And this backhole will bury him under 10,00 cubic feet of dirt. And a big ROOOCK! Satan (as Dr. Franz Weiner): How are you feeling? DJ Jesus: I'm totally unprepared. Oh, my god, it's a tight fit in here. Satan (as Dr. Franz Weiner): Great, great. Sealing you up. Satan (as Assistant Lady): Sealing you up now. DJ Jesus: Uh, what's the trick? Uh, don't I have some trick to get out of here? Satan: I sure hope so. [laughs evilly] DJ Jesus: Lucy's Dad? Satan: Bye-bye, Jesus. – Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil Movie Quote	added 21 days ago
[DJ Jesus randomly appears to be on stage with no thought of what just happened after getting interviewed with the therapist] DJ Jesus: Oh, uh, hello. Uhm, uh. How you folks doing? [to Judas] I can't remember what we're doing. Judas: We're doing the "Resur-Rocktion". DJ Jesus: We are? I don't do that trick. Judas: But that's what they came to see, man. DJ Jesus: But we haven't practiced it! Satan (as Assistant Lady): It will be fine. You were born to do this trick. DJ Jesus: Uh, who are you? Satan (as Assistant Lady): I'm your lovely assistant. – Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil Movie Quote	added 21 days ago
[Special Father #1 talks about his fears] Special Father #1: It's something the Pope e-mailed me last week. He called it "cute puppy" in the subject. So it threw me off. I figured it was going to be a pictures of a cute puppy. And it was a link to a video of this guy with a hug larva growing under his skin, and he pushed it out through his -- [disgust] Oh, oh. Satan (as Dr. Franz Weiner): Oh, dear. That's horrible. Special Father #1: I know. It made me sick. I sent it to everyone I know. – Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil Movie Quote	added 21 days ago
[Dr. Franz Weiner gets a phone call] Special Father #1: Dr...Dr. Weiner, do you want to get that? Satan (as Dr. Franz Weiner): Um, yes I will. Uh, hold one second. Satan: [normal voice] [on phone] Hello? Lucy: Hey, it's me. Satan: Uh, it's not a good time. Can I call you back? Lucy: Oh, okay. I didn't really have anything to say. I'm just -- Pissed. I got in a fight with Jesus. But, you know, I don't want to talk about it. Satan: Right, right. So 'cause I got to do, um -- Lucy: He is such a flirt! It drives me nuts. I was like, "Just don't be a slut". And he was like, "It's part of my job". Satan: Luce, can I call you back? Lucy: I was like, "What"?! And he was like -- Satan (as Dr. Franz Weiner): [to DJ Jesus] Just one second! DJ Jesus: No problem. [while petting Judas as a goat] Satan: [normal voice] Luce, really, really busy night for me, so... Satan (as Dr. Franz Weiner): [to SF1] One second! Special Father #1: Uh, take your time. Lucy: Oh, then he said he was claustrophobic, and I was like, "What"? I was gonna kill him. But then he was like, "No, I'm actually claustrophobic". And I was like, "Oh". And then he went out, and he did body shots on the two skankiest girls I have ever seen. Satan: He's claustrophobic? [referring to DJ Jesus] Lucy: Yeah. Satan (as Dr. Franz Weiner): [to DJ Jesus] You are claustrophobic? DJ Jesus: Yes. How did you know that? Satan: Thank you, Luce. [hangs up] – Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil Movie Quote	added 21 days ago
[as DJ Jesus sleeps with the Dreamster on, he then meets the same demon therapist that SF1 got into] Satan (as Dr. Franz Weiner): Hello there, Jesus. DJ Jesus: Uh, do I know you? Satan (as Dr. Franz Weiner): I'm Dr. Franz Weiner. I want you to tell me about your fears. DJ Jesus: Are you a therapist? Satan (as Dr. Franz Weiner): Sort of. DJ Jesus: You know who you remind me of? Satan (as Dr. Franz Weiner): Who? DJ Jesus: Freddy Krueger. [Dr. Franz Weiner (as Satan) turns into Freddy Krueger] Satan (as Dr. Franz Weiner): Why? DJ Jesus: Because of your sweater and your lumpy skin. Satan (as Dr. Franz Weiner): [bit offended] I don't have lumpy skin. Alright. Fine. Satan (as Dr. Franz Weiner): Let's just focus on you, Jesus, and your fears. DJ Jesus: No, no, no. Hey, you're like Freudy Krueger. Satan (as Dr. Franz Weiner): Okay. That's -- That's enough. DJ Jesus: Oh, man! I wish Judas was in this dream. He'd love that joke. [Judas arrives as a goat with wings] Judas: I AM IN THIS DREAM, DUDE! DJ Jesus: There he is! Judas: That was hilarious -- Freudy Krueger. Hilarious! DJ Jesus: You're a goat, man. What's going on? [laughing] Judas: I don't know, man! – Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil Movie Quote	added 21 days ago
[as SF1 opens up the bathroom door, he then sees a strange white void room with Dr. Franz Weiner] Satan (as Dr. Franz Weiner): Hello. Come on in. Special Father #1: Oh, sorry. I was looking for the bathroom. Satan (as Dr. Franz Weiner): That's alright. Come in and have a seat, please. I am Dr. Franz Weiner. I want you to tell me about your fears. Special Father #1: My fears? Satan (as Dr. Franz Weiner): Yes, please. I am interested in your worst fears, your ultimate nightmare. [suddenly the chair that SF1 is sitting in turns into a toilet] Special Father #1: Uh-oh. Doctor, is it weird if I'm going to the bathroom right now? Satan (as Dr. Franz Weiner): Number one or number two? Special Father #1: Uh...both. Satan (as Dr. Franz Weiner): Yes. It, uh, ooh, represents creativity. Special Father #1: Oh. Oh, that's good, then. Satan (as Dr. Franz Weiner): Yea-- Yeah, it's good. – Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil Movie Quote	added 21 days ago
[Special Father #1 still can't sleep] Special Father #1: Damn it. Alright. I'll go pee, and then I'll be able to sleep. Special Sister: Hey, quiet down in there! Special Father #1: OH, SHUSH! – Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil Movie Quote	added 21 days ago
[DJ Jesus gets a word with Lucy when DJ Jesus bought the Dreamster Machine for his fans to listen with] Lucy: You encourage them. DJ Jesus: Lucy, I'm a DJ, and having a girl sexy-dance right next to me is part of the job. It's like if I was a construction worker and you said to me, "I don't like how there's always cement hanging around you". Or if I was a baker, and you'd be like, "What's with all the yeast"? Lucy: I get it. I get it. DJ Jesus: Okay. Lucy: How about this? If you want to be with me, you can't be a ridiculous man-slut. How about that? DJ Jesus: Yeah, that's fine. I'm starting to get a little claustrophobic. So... Lucy: What?! Claustrophobic? I give you your space. All I ask is this one thing. DJ Jesus: No, no, no. Not in the relationship. I mean literally in this closet. It's tiny space for two people. So can we, uh... Lucy: How can you be claustrophobic? You're an escape artist. DJ Jesus: All escape artists are claustrophobic. That's why we want to escape. – Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil Movie Quote	added 21 days ago
[Special Father #1 bought a Dreamster Machine for him to sleep tonight] Special Father #1: It's a white-noise machine. It makes noise to help you sleep. Special Sister: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard of. Special Father #1: Sister, listen to this. [SF1 plays the Dreamster] Special Father #1: That is, um, "Summer Night". Huh? Special Sister: Sounds evil. Special Father #1: It's not evil. It's "Summer Night". Special Sister: I am really scared. This is not relaxing. Special Father #1: It's not -- Sister, it's not scary. Special Sister: It's terrifying! Listen to what it's saying! Special Father #1: It's not saying anything. Special Sister: YES, IT IS! Special Father #1: Shh! Shh! Listen. Special Father #1: Okay, so it sounds like it is saying something. Special Sister: SEE? Special Father #1: It's saying, "You..." It's saying, "Hi". Special Sister: No, it's saying "You'll die". Special Father #1: Okay, you know what? Go away. I'm going to bed -- With my machine. Special Sister: YOU'RE GONNA REGRET IT! Special Father #1: THAT WILL HELP ME SLEEP! Special Sister: IT WON'T! Special Father #1: YES, IT WILL! IT'S ALSO NOT HELPING THAT YOU GOT ME KEYED UP! Special Sister: I'M SORRY! Special Father #1: GOOD NIGHT! – Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil Movie Quote	added 21 days ago
[after DJ Jesus and Judas watches the Dreamster commercial] DJ Jesus: Oh, man, it would be sweet to DJ with that thing. I could put mountain streams and raindrops into my slow-jam mixes. Hey, Judas, you want to order up one of those? Judas: Already on the phone, dude! Check it out, man -- Rain! DJ Jesus: Yeah, sweet rain. Makes me want to curl up in a little ball. Judas: Makes me want to open up my mouth and catch raindrops on my tongue, dude. DJ Jesus: That's beautiful, man. Judas: [bleep] YEAH, IT IS! WHOO! DJ Jesus: [laughing] Judas. – Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil Movie Quote	added 21 days ago
Satan: Sick of tossing and turning? Tired of being tired? Satan (as Dr. Franz Weiner): [german accent] Hello. I'm Dr. Franz Weiner. And I designed the Dreamster Sound Effects Machine to help you fall asleep naturally and deeply. Here's how it works. Satan (as Dr. Franz Weiner): Our patented sound effects have been scientifically enhanced to activate the sleep center deep inside your brain. Sleepy Woman (as Becky): I tried everything -- Pills, pillows, therapy -- And nothing worked. But the Dreamster Sound Machine put me to sleep the very first time I tried it. Satan: Call now to take advantage of this special offer. Side effects may include drowsiness, nightmares, and psychotic episodes. If you die in your dreams, you die in real life. – Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil Movie Quote	added 21 days ago
[after the Special Father saved Special Sister] Special Father #1: You'll be alright now, Sister. You'll be alright. Special Sister: [woozy] Jesus was sticking into my kidneys. Special Father #2: You said it, Sister. Archie: I can't thank you all enough. The church owes you the greatest debt. Special Father #1: Archie, you've been bitten. Archie: What? [Special Sister then kills Archie] Special Father #1: SISTER! Special Sister: Oops, I forgot. [Sister pulls the stake out of Archie, making it worse] Special Father #1: No, don't pull it out. Special Sister: Uh, sorry. Guess I made a mistake. Archie: A "missed stake". Special Father #1: [laughs] [everyone laughs] Archie: It's like the end of a Scooby-Doo episode. – Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil Movie Quote	added 21 days ago
[while the vampires are drinking Special Sister's blood, Archie crashed into the church with a big van, making the vampires retreat themselves, which then lead them to a trap, where Special Fathers and Nightshade use light panels to shock the vampire boys to death] Nightshade: High-output, full-spectrum, baby! Ha ha! 4,200 lumens! – Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil Movie Quote	added 21 days ago
[when Special Sister, got caught, she then gets tied up on a cross to drink her blood from the Vampire Altar/Choir Boys] Vampire Choirboy: Lady Priest, with hate in your love and mercy, I drink your blood. Let it bring health in mind and body. Special Sister: [bleep] YOU! Vampire Choirboy: May the blood of this fat lady bring me to everlasting life. Special Sister: SUCK IT, FREAK! I'LL NEVER BE ONE OF YOU! Vampire Choirboy: No, Sister, you will never be one of us. We're gonna bleed you out, and you will die. Special Sister: YOU CAN'T TURN ME. YOUR DARK,, EROTIC POWER HAD NO EFFECT ON ME. Vampire Choirboy: Okay, that's no problem. Special Sister: Why the church? Why priests? Why meeeee? Vampire Choirboy: Taste -- Priests taste good. Special Sister: AAAAAAH! I MAY TASTE GOOD TO YOU, BUT YOUR STRANGE IMMORTAL BLOOD DOESN'T TASTE GOOD TO ME. You can't make me drink your androgynous yet powerful juices. Vampire Choirboy: We're not trying to. Special Sister: Well, good, 'cause I don't want it. Vampire Choirboy: Then we agree. Special Sister: YES! Finally. We agree to agree. Vampire Choirboy: We'll just agree to agree, then. Special Sister: Yes. Vampire Choirboy: You bleed and die... Special Sister: No! Vampire Choirboy: ...we drink your blood. Special Sister: No! Vampire Choirboy: Less talking, more dying. Special Sister: No, more talking, less dying. Vampire Choirboy: [tired] Just shut up and die. Special Sister: No! Let's keep talking. Vampire Choirboy: ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS BLEED! Special Sister: Have you seen any movies lately? Vampire Choirboy: What? Special Sister: Have you gone to see any movies? Vampire Choirboy: NO! Special Sister: What's your favorite tv show? – Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil Movie Quote	added 21 days ago
[after the Special Father and Sister hunt many vampires from many churches, they celebrated] Special Sister: My feet are killing me. Special Father #1: [exhales a balloon making his voice higher] Yeah, tough week. Satisfying, though. Special Father #2: [does the same that SF1 did] Like old times. Special Sister: Enough with the helium. [leaves] Special Father #1: Sister, where are you going? Special Sister: I'm going to pee. Special Father #1: Take some balloons. Special Sister: I don't want any balloons. I'm sick of balloons. Uh-oh. [suddenly one of the vampire altar boys caught her] Special Father #1: Sister! They took her! Special Father #2: Oh, head rush. – Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil Movie Quote	added 21 days ago
[after the Special Fathers and Sister destroyed all the vampires using balloons in a different church] Special Father #1: They sent you here after Father Murphy disappeared. Priest: Yes. Special Father #1: And Father Murphy, how long did he serve here? Priest: Just a week, I think. Special Father #1: Hmm. They just kept sending priests. Special Sister: Like staying in and ordering takeout. Special Father #1: [to the priest] Hey, turn your head. Have you been bitten? [Special Sister kills the Priest] Special Father #1: Oh, whoops, got a little trigger-happy there, Sister. You don't turn if you've been bitten. That's in the movies. Special Sister: Ohh. I-I've [bleep] up. Special Father #1: Yes, you did [bleep] up. Special Sister: Whatever. Sorry! Special Father #1: To become a vampire, you have to drink their blood. Special Sister: I'M SORRY! Special Father #1: Alright, clean up this mess, please. Special Sister: Fine. – Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil Movie Quote	added 22 days ago
Nightshade: I did discover something interesting by accident. [Nightshade blows a balloon making the vampire altar boy scared] Nightshade: You see? Terrified. Absolutely pant [bleep]ingly terrified of balloons. Special Father #2: Whoa. That is so awful. Special Father #1: Yes, you're being cruel. Nightshade: Cruel? Louie killed 35 people at a midnight mass last Christmas. Special Father #1: Last Christmas? How long has this been going on? Archie: Well, we thought it was isolated -- One church, maybe two. Special Father #1: My god. You covered it up. Archie: We covered it up. – Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil Movie Quote	added 22 days ago
[Nightshade shows the Special Fathers and Sister that he caught a vampire altar boy himself inside a cage in his basement] Special Father #1: I see, a captive subject to study in detail and test new methods on. Nightshade: Uh...well, that's a good idea, too. Um, I was just thinking more of just like a pet. My friend has a python and he was like, "I have a python". And I was like "Oh yeah? You should come over to my place sometime". And then he came over, and I was like, um, "Vampire"! So... Special Father #1: Wow, you are a real nerd. – Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil Movie Quote	added 22 days ago
Nightshade: First of all, as I'm sure the Special Fathers will tell you, hunting vampires, well, forget everything you've seen in the movies. It's all bunk. Special Sister: Sunlight? Nightshade: Oh, no. Actually, okay. Sunlight is real. Sunlight can kill a vampire. But -- Special Sister: Stake in the heart? Nightshade: Ho-- Yeah, hold on. Let me give you my spiel, okay? Special Sister: Sorry. Nightshade: Forget what you've seen in the movies. It's all bunk. Special Father #1: You know, uh, Nightshade, I've heard that line in the movies. Special Father #2: Oh, I have a too. Nightshade: CAN I CONTINUE? Special Father #1: Sorry, go ahead. Nightshade: So, crosses -- They work, right? No, they don't. If crosses worked, would we have Vampire Altar Boys. Special Sister: Oh, right. The Altar Boy carries the cross. Nightshade: Garlic -- Just a mild food allergy. If you wanna give the vampire the runs, cook them ziti with some garlic sauce. Special Sister: Good to know. GET READY TO [bleep] VAMPIRES! – Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil Movie Quote	added 22 days ago
Archie: This is Nightshade. He knows how to sharpen a stake, shall we say. Nightshade, I'm sure you know who these two men are. Nightshade: I'm familiar with your work. Welcome to San Francisco, or as I call it, "San Fran". Archie: And this is a Special Sister. A little less experienced with vampires than her colleagues, perhaps, but she -- Nightshade: The most deadly assassin nun the catholic church has ever produced. You need no introduction. Special Sister: Thanks, kid. But why don't you take your lips off my ass and just tell me who to kill. [points the crossbow at Nightshade] – Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil Movie Quote	added 22 days ago
[when the Special Fathers and Sister, plus Archie arrives at an arms-dealer store] Special Sister: Can I bring this cognac? – Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil Movie Quote	added 22 days ago
Archie: Vampire Altar Boys are preying on priests throughout the city -- Vampire choirboys, too. Special Father #1: All due respect, uh, Archie, but we got out of the vampire game a long time ago. We are searching now for the -- Archie: I-I'm aware of your mission, Father, but this problem is especially acute for us. We believe this is the first wave of an all-out vampire assault against the church. Special Father #1: Archie, uh, the Jesuits have a great training program. I know three or four good vampire guys have come out -- Archie: Dead. Special Father #1: What? Archie: Dead. They're all dead. You're our last hope. Special Sister: Sorry to interrupt. I don't know if you know much about the antichrist, but her presence on earth means the END OF DAYS! Vampire Choirboys will be the least of your problems if we don't complete our mission. Special Father #2: Hey, I got a idea. Maybe we kill the antichrist, and then we check in with you about the vampires before we go back to Rome. Archie: YOU WILL HELP US WITH THIS PROBLEM RIGHT NOW! [clears throat] Or perhaps you'd like to face criminal charges in this country for some of your less orthodox antichrist hunting methods. [Archie shows pictures of the Special Fathers and Sister killing the good citizens throughout every episode they have gone through] Special Sister: WHAT THE [bleep]! The Pope himself sent us. Special Father #1: Sister! Sister! Special Sister: Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Special Father #1: Stop. Special Sister: No. Special Father #1: Yes. Special Sister: [growls] Special Father #1: Thank you. Watch TV. [Special Sister watches TV] Special Father #1: We understand, Archie. Perhaps we can help. After all, the concerns of the church are our concerns as well. Special Father #1: Oh! Oh, my god! I totally forgot. Uh, we left our vampire stuff back at Rome. – Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil Movie Quote	added 22 days ago
Archbishop Gomez: We've got a problem, a big problem, and we need your help. Special Father #1: What is it, Archbishop Gomez? Archie: That's alright, you can call me Archie. Everyone does. Special Father #1: Okay, Archie. – Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil Movie Quote	added 22 days ago
Lucy: [to the meat version of Lucy] What are you looking at, fatty? Fatty fat face. – Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil Movie Quote	added 22 days ago

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