Timothyj.29104's Quotes Page #31

Here's the list of quotes submitted by timothyj.29104  —  There are currently 5,716 quotes total — keep up the great work!

Cult Leader:
[singing] You are what you eat.

Cult Members:
[chanting] Eat a person, be a person. Eat a person, be a person...

Stroker:
I eat hamburgers. Does that mean I'm a hamburger?

Cult Leader:
Yes!

Stroker:
So if you were to eat me, that means that you'll be a hamburger.

Cult Members:
...

Cult Leader:
[to his members] Do not listen to the forked tongue of the nonbeliever!

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

Stroker:
What the hell is going on?

Hoop:
Hi, Stroker. Situation is clear over here. Ron is going to cleanse his soul.

Stroker:
Great, because I'm at the Nation History Museum, and I'm about to get boiled alive by cannibals.

Hoop:
Oh, crap. How big's the kettle?

Stroker:
Um, well, I'd say it's a goof two-person kettle. Maybe two and a child.

Hoop:
Good. It should take hours for that much water to boil. That'll give me enough time to master this mind-control device and control the cannibals. Got to go.

Stroker:
Hoop, can you just call the cops instead?

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

Hoop:
Ron, before you crush my skull, I want you to know something. I believe in you. You don't need a mind-control machine. You already have the power to touch America's heart.

Ron Howard:
No, it's not true.

Hoop:
Just look at that award in your hands.

[Ron looks at his trophy and realizes his problems]

Ron Howard:
I'm a phony. I made them vote for me. Years ago, I found this mind-control device on an alien crash site while on location for "Happy Days". You know how most child actors end up. I was -- I was scared. Then the CIA got wind of it and wanted me to perform experiments for them. I thought I was helping my country, but it got out of control. I'm just a lucky hack.

Hoop:
No, you're not. People loved "When Harry met Sally".

[Ron sobs while hugging Hoop]

Jenny:
Mr. Howard is need on set. Mr. Howard is needed on set.

Hoop:
Cleanse your soul, Ron. Confess. Your fans will still love you. If not, they weren't your fans to begin with.

Ron Howard:
Do you think so?

Hoop:
I know so.

Ron Howard:
[goes back to sobbing]

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

Brittany Ashley:
Goodbye, Stroker. I'm looking forward to our last dinner date.

Ashley Brittany:
And here's your appendix back. [throws Stroker's appendix in the boiling pot]

Stroker:
I hope you chokes on my ass bone, b*tches.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

[Stroker wakes up in a hot boiling pot in a museum full of cult members]

Cult Leader:
The sacrifice awaits. I suppose you want to know what we're going to do to you.

Stroker:
Not really.

Cult Leader:
What? Why not?

Stroker:
Well, you're obviously the leader of weird-ass cult, and you're gonna eat me.

Cult Leader:
Wrong, smart guy! We are the Church of the Kind-Hearted Cannibals.

Stroker:
[sarcastic] Oh, right. My mistake.

Cult Leader:
Unlike our ancestors, we don't kill. We just eat the unessential organs.

Cult Members:
Praise the appendix, the coccyx, and delicious tonsils!

Cult Waiter:
Appendix? Coccyx? Napkin?

Stroker:
So, you're not gonna eat me?

Cult Leader:
Mmm, oh, no. We're making a exception for you because you're such a total ass!

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

Secretary Agent:
Well, you'd better finish up.

Ron Howard:
Or else what?

Secretary Agent:
Or the CIA will stop putting the chemical in the water that makes people like your movies.

Ron Howard:
I'm sorry, the what?

Secretary Agent:
Heh heh heh! "Willow", "Backdraft", "Far and Away"?

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

[Hoop disguise himself as a woman to get inside Ron Howard's Office]

Hoop:
[reads a script] "Well, burn my biscuits! I guess the only person I've been running from is myself, Mr. Jickey".

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

[after the twins caught Stroker with the syringes they shot into Stroker's butt]

Brittany Ashley:
I am so starving. Aren't there any more vestigial organs on him? Does he really need two testicles?

Stroker:
[dazed out] Definitely need both testicles.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

[as Stroker was about to capture the twins]

Stroker:
Nice try, girls, but I'm not falling for that lipstick crap this time.

Ron Howard:
Hi, Stroker.

Stroker:
Crap, Ron Howard! Don't you have anything better to do, Ron?

Ron Howard:
I'll teach you to tangle with me.

Stroker:
Damn it, I'm not tangling with you, Ron, alright? I made one half-assed phone call.

Brittney Ashley:
[to Ashley] Who the hell is he talking to?

Ron Howard:
Drop your pants.

Stroker:
You know, this nudity fetish of yours is getting old, Ron.

Ron Howard:
Now moon the twins.

Stroker:
Come up with some new ones, please.

C.A.R.R.:
Aw, damn it. What the hell is he doing now?

Ashley Brittany:
The fat one is becoming a pest. [while the twins stick the syringes into Stroker to sleep]

C.A.R.R.:
Ok, girls. Let's not go through this again.

Brittany Ashley:
We'll sacrifice and eat him at the festival tonight.

C.A.R.R.:
Ho, ho! I'm sorry. Did you just say you're gonna eat Stroker? You know, he's very unclean.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

Karen:
I think it's so wonderful you wanted to have dinner to discuss Keith.

Stroker:
With all the deadbeat dads out there, it must be surprising to find a man that cares so deeply for his children.

[Stroker looks directly to her breasts]

Stroker:
That's a beautiful pendant.

Karen:
Oh! It's a japanese symbol.

Stroker:
Ah. Japan. So what does it stand for, the pendant?

Karen:
Happiness.

Stroker:
Well, if I was your pendant, I'd be happy too.

[as Stroker was about to kiss Karen]

Karen:
I'm sorry. Would you mind taking off the hat?

Stroker:
You mean my Ron Howard mind control cap? Ha ha ha!

Karen:
It was a funny joke, but it's...starting to creep me out.

Stroker:
Well, I wasn't actually totally ju-- [sees the same twins in the restaurant]

Stroker:
Karen, be calm. I just spotted two wanted criminals, and I'm taking them down. Don't look. Just act naturally. And if the waiter comes back, I want the Key Lime Pie.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

Bratty Kid:
Keith the Queef! With the crazy dad without any briefs!

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

[Ron Howard controls Stroker's Mind]

Ron Howard:
Come on, Stroker. Be a man. Stand up for your kid.

Stroker:
Who said that?

Man:
Said what?

Stroker:
Come on, who said it? Stand up. Say it to my face.

Ron Howard:
It's me, Ron Howard.

Stroker:
Oh, crap.

Ron Howard:
Now, I want you to get out there and beat up that umpire. But first take off all your clothes.

[Stroker then takes his clothes off while beating the umpire]

Stroker:
Son of a b*tch!

Umpire:
What the hell?

Keith:
Dad! What are you doing?

Security Guard:
Get him away from the children.

Stroker:
I'm sorry, everyone, but i-it's not my fault, it -- It's Ron Howard's making me do this. You gotta believe me.

Ron Howard:
Come on, keep fighting. Keep fighting.

Stroker:
STOP IT, RON HOWARD!

Ron Howard:
I'll teach you to mess with me.

Jenny:
Here's your double espresso, Ron.

Ron Howard:
Thank you, Jenny. Now I want you to stick that kid's hot dog up your butt.

[Stroker puts foil from the hot dog that he stolen from a boy]

Ron Howard:
Darn it! Foil! That tin foil won't last, you know.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

Stroker:
Hey, Keith, how about if you lead off today?

Keith:
I don't want to.

Stroker:
Hey, why not, buddy?

Keith:
I'll strike out, and the kids will call me names.

Stroker:
Oh, they're not gonna call you names. What kind of names would they call you?

Keith:
Spazzle, asswipe, wonder wuss, Keith the Queef.

Stroker:
That's because they're just jealous. It's because you've got a Dad who's a detective.

Keith:
No, they're not.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

Stroker:
Assistant Coach Stroker reporting for duty. You kids ready to go kick some ass? Alright! Yeah! Let me get some high fives right here! There we go! Come on!

Baseball Coach:
Stroker, we try and foster a safe, noncompetitive atmosphere.

Stroker:
Check it out, guys-- Brand new uniforms. [pull up a shirt for Keith]

Keith:
Cool!

[Stroker then switch the shirt on the back that says "Lil Stroker"]

Keith:
...

Bratty Kid:
This is bull [bleep]. We're the Sharks.

Stroker:
Shut up, kid.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Stroker:
B-Benny! Hey, hey! What are you doing here?

Benny:
All the electronic interference helps protect me from Ron Howard. What are you guys doing here?

Stroker:
We're, uh -- We're celebrating. Ron Howard just agreed to stop screwing your mind.

Benny:
[surprised] No, he didn't.

Hoop:
[correcting Stroker] No, he didn't.

Stroker:
Sure he did.

Benny:
Well, that's so weird because he was just talking to me a few minutes ago.

Stroker:
Well, Benny, that's because, uh...uh, Benny, this is my partner, Hoop.

Hoop:
Nice hat there.

Benny:
It's my secret weapon against Ron. Always use the freezer-grade stuff and make sure you put the shiny side out.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

[Stroker and Hoop go to an electronic store]

Stroker:
Nothing is gonna stop us until we make those girls pay.

Hoop:
How does this make those girls pay?

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

[C.A.R.R. plays Solitare on his own screen]

C.A.R.R.:
Ha ha! 3 jacks. Beat that.

CPU:
Flush.

C.A.R.R.:
Hey, flush my ass! You cheat. The computer cheats.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

[Stroker & Hoop chase the twins]

Stroker:
Nothing's gonna stop me from getting my appendix back!

Hoop:
You're dropping money.

Stroker:
Crap. You go ahead I got your back. [goes straight ahead for the money that fell right out of his pockets]

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Mr. Nessbaum:
John Strokymeyer?

Stroker:
Yes, sir.

Mr. Nessbaum:
I'm Mr. Nessbaum. $10,000, with another 10 to be paid upon completion.

Stroker:
Mr. Nessbaum, it has been a pleasure. Hoop, let's go.

[as Stroker takes the briefcase full of money, Mr. Nessbaum stops it]

Mr. Nessbaum:
Whoa, there! Where do you think you're going with that?

Stroker:
It's my money.

Mr. Nessbaum:
Yes, but it's not your briefcase.

Stroker:
Yeah, but the briefcase is part of the deal. It's understood.

Mr. Nessbaum:
Don't tell me about the deal. I'm an accountant, and the deal was $10,000, not $10,000 and a briefcase.

Stroker:
But I need the briefcase.

Mr. Nessbaum:
No. I'm the accountant. I need the briefcase. What does a detective need with a briefcase?

Stroker:
To carry the money. [opens the briefcase] Fi -- Here, I'll buy the case.

Mr. Nessbaum:
No deal. It was a father's day gift.

Stroker:
[sighs] Alright. Fine, jackass. [sees the dollars bills] What are these, fives? You couldn't give me a stack of hundreds?

Mr. Nessbaum:
I thought you'd appreciate not having to make change.

Stroker:
Hoop, help me out. And the amount you carry does not represent your cut.

Hoop:
[happily] Maybe you should wear that fanny pack I got you for christmas.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

[Stroker gets a voice message from a caller]

Caller:
Hey, Stroker and Hoop, I'm going through a tricky divorce, and I thought I should hire a couple detectives who don't know hot to -- How to spell the word "Detective". [laughs] So naturally, I thought of you guys.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Benny:
Stroker. Thank god. I need your help.

Stroker:
I'm your man, mister, um...

Benny:
Benny. I saw your billboard. Your detective V.I.E.'s, right? Very Important Entertainers?

Stroker:
Excuse me? Is this a joke?

Benny:
No! I need you, [takes off his cap revealing is a tinfoiled hat] to make Ron Howard stop controlling my mind. We got to stop Ron Howard! STOP IT, RON HOWARD! It's so obvious. I brought evidence. I could pay you $20,000. I'm rich. I got a limo.

Stroker:
Sure, a limo. You just use the shopping cart for short trips.

Benny:
You're working with Ron Howard. You're one of his lackeys!

Stroker:
Look. I want your psycho ass off my property, or I'm calling Vans to tell him you stole their shopping cart, alright? [closes his door]

[after a few seconds later, Stroker sees Benny that he actually has a limo that just came by while he was hearing a voice message on his phone]

Stroker:
Benny! Hey, Benny boy. Is, uh, is the coast clear? Ron's people left yet?

Benny:
They were here?

Stroker:
Across the street. You've got to keep a sharper eye out. Sorry about the little charade I pulled back there.

Benny:
No problem. Is it safe now?

Stroker:
Now that you're with me. I have a ton of expertise with these cases. Yeah, I was the guy who took care of the Rob Reiner, uh, spoon-bending thing.

Benny:
My accountant will be in touch.

Stroker:
So, this limo has the minibar and everything.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Teacher:
I'm afraid Keith has been having some trouble in class.

Stroker:
Yeah, I'm gonna have to talk to him about bullying the other kids.

Teacher:
Well, it's really the other boys and girls that have been picking on Keith.

Stroker:
I'm sorry. Boys and what?

Teacher:
Your son Keith is very...special.

[Stroker sees his son playing hopscotch]

Stroker:
What the hell?

Teacher:
I think some more father-son time could help.

Stroker:
Well, I am an assistant coach on his soccer team.

Angel:
Yeah, he means t-ball.

Stroker:
Sure, I missed the first few practices, but that changes today. My number. Call me anytime. So we can help Keith together. You can keep those matches.

Teacher:
Uh, thanks.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

[Stroker comes late to a parent teacher conference while still having his organs removed]

Stroker:
Sorry I'm so late. I was tangling with the russian mafia.

Angel:
Oh, please.

Stroker:
They told me to stay in bed for 3 days. I told them, "My children come first".

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Doctor Woman:
Well, the good news is your livers and kidneys are still there. The bad news...

Hoop:
Oh, boy.

Doctor Woman:
Is that your appendix has been stolen, along with your coccyx.

Hoop:
So how much...how much time do we have?

Doctor Woman:
You'll be fine. They're vestigial, worthless. Believe it or not, there's been a rash of these thefts lately.

Hoop:
Really?

Doctor Woman:
Attractive women preying on lonely men in bars--

Stroker:
We were hit by a couple thugs from the russian mafia.

Hoop:
What do our, uh, organs fetch on the black market?

Doctor Woman:
I don't know what you're talking about. There's no black market for appendixes.

Hoop:
Maybe this will help your memory. [checks his wallet] Hold on a second. Uh...I...I could've sworn I...

[Hoop gives the doctor woman a free gift card]

Doctor Woman:
A free smoothie?

Stroker:
Listen, doc. They may be vestigial to you, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna let some hot chi-- Some russian mafia thugs and their model girlfriends take the useless organs that God gave me. Come on, Hoop.

[as Stroker and Hoop leaves the hospital]

Hoop:
[to Doctor Woman] Can I have my coupon back?

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

We need you!

Help us build the largest authors community and quotes collection on the web!

Quiz

Are you a quotes master?

»
"Tonight we dine in hell!"
A Gladiator
B Troy
C Braveheart
D 300