Timothyj.29104's Quotes Page #33

Here's the list of quotes submitted by timothyj.29104  —  There are currently 5,956 quotes total — keep up the great work!

C.A.R.R.:
So, Santa, any chance you can give me a hint of what I'm getting this year?

Santa:
It's -- [brutally coughing]

C.A.R.R.:
Don't open your mouth, Santa. You'll only lose more blood. Hey! Hey! Maybe you could act out the present, like charades.

[Santa then coughs blood on C.A.R.R.'s screen]

C.A.R.R.:
Ok, maybe later.

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

[after Jermane got shot in the past scene]

Jermane:
Stroker. Tell my wife, I love her.

Young Stroker:
I will, man.

[Jermane dies]

Young Stroker:
I'm so sorry, buddy. I should have told you I borrowed your gun clip this morning. I don't know what to say. It just totally slipped my mind.

Ghost of Christmas Past:
[to Stroker] You asshole!

Stroker:
Well, you were always bragging about being so prepared. I -- I just figured you had a spare in your pocket or something, I don't know.

Ghost of Christmas Past:
You killed me!

[after Jermane dies, he then became a ghost]

Jermane:
Hey, man, what the hell is going on?

Ghost of Christmas Past:
[to Jermane] You're not supposed to see us. Just keep flying into the light.

[sees Young Stroker calling somebody]

Ghost of Christmas Past:
Wait a minute. What -- What are you doing now?

Stroker:
Calling 911. Come on, let's get out of here.

Young Stroker:
Hey, Martha, it's Stroker. I have some terrible news about Jermane. But first the good news. We can stop sneaking around behind his back.

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

[Young Stroker peeing in the bush]

Young Stroker:
[to a female dog owner] Ah, would he care to join me? [laughs] Just kidding.

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Ghost of Christmas Past:
I'm here to take you back to that fateful day 7 years ago, when your partner was shot and your life changed forever.

Stroker:
You really want to watch yourself get shot?

Ghost of Christmas Past:
I'm doing it to save your soul, Stroker. I'm The Ghost of Christmas Past now.

Stroker:
Come on, J, screw my soul. Let's go get [bleep] faced together.

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Ghost of Christmas Past:
Yo, Stroker, Stroker! Wake up!

Stroker:
[wakes up] Hey. Hey, man. Can you get me a beer? Charge it to Room 331. Thanks, bro.

Ghost of Christmas Past:
7 years, and you haven't changed a bit, Stroker?

Stroker:
Jermane? Jermane Washington, my old partner?

Stroker & Jermane:
Jermane and Stroker, back in action! [laughs]

Stroker:
Dude, you're dead.

Ghost of Christmas Past:
No [bleep], man. I'm a ghost now.

Stroker:
I'm so sorry about the accident. Not a day goes by I don't think about it.

Ghost of Christmas Past:
Yeah, well, what you gonna do? My gun jammed. I must not have cleaned it well enough. Yeah, that was the irony, wasn't it? I was the one who was always prepared.

Stroker:
Yeah. Yeah, I guess. So, uh, what are you doing here? [realizes] OH, NO! Dammit! I drowned in the hot tub, didn't I? Win the lottery, then get drunk and drown in the damn hot tub. Nice going, Stroker? You are stupid sometimes.

Ghost of Christmas Past:
Shut the hell up. You're still alive.

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Stroker:
[on phone] Yo, lottery winner, here.

C.A.R.R.:
Oh, Stroker, thank god. You have to come back tonight and solve Santa's case so he can deliver presents.

Stroker:
I can't believe you're bothering me with this Santa crap on Christmas Eve.

C.A.R.R.:
It's true! He showed me photos of him and the elves and everything.

Stroker:
Sounds like Santa had some ripple on the walk over. If he passes out, turn him on his side so he doesn't choke on his vomit. or better yet, drag him next door to the peaches.

C.A.R.R.:
But, Stroker, what about--

[Stroker hangs up]

Stroker:
[to Hoop] Some drunk mall santa got stuck with a needle, probably by his dealer. Wanted me to solve the case for free, if you can believe that crap.

Hoop:
And you said no?

Stroker:
There's no such thing as Santa, Hoop.

Hoop:
Well, he is still a human being!

Stroker:
And?

Hoop:
And it's Christmas, you Scrooge!

Stroker:
Scrooge? Who the hell's paying for your vacation?

Hoop:
I meant Scrooge in the "Bah, Humbug", sense, not in the "Good with money" sense.

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

C.A.R.R.:
Santa! Santa! Over here!

Santa:
Well! Hello there, C.A.R.R.

C.A.R.R.:
How are you holding up, big guy?

Santa:
[vomits] Oh, ho, fine, fine. Thanks for asking.

C.A.R.R.:
I think what Stroker is doing to you is despicable.

Santa:
Oh, I'm not worried for myself. It's the children. Their presents will be stuck at the North Pole.

C.A.R.R.:
You're the real Santa Claus? Stroker said you were a wino.

Santa:
[offended]

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

[Santa reads a note on Stroker's door]

Stroker:
[narrating] Hey, Big S, something came up, so I had to go. And besides, there is no f'n way I can solve this mystery in 24 hours. Ah, maybe your elves know an antidote. Your pal, big S number two. P.S. If the reindeer come, please carve them. [laughs] But, ah, seriously, you can help yourself to the booze in the fridge.

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Narrator:
Stroker may have lied about a lot of things, but not the snowstorm. It was the worst blizzard to hit southern California in 100 years.

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

C.A.R.R.:
What's Hoop doing in that monstrosity?

Stroker:
There's a blizzard coming. We need a 4-wheel drive.

C.A.R.R.:
Why? We have perfectly good snow chains in the garage. I'll help you untangle them. I don't want to be alone on Christmas. Just give me a tow, then. I'm not proud.

Hoop:
Merry Christmas, C.A.R.R.!

[Stroker and Hoop leaves]

C.A.R.R.:
Those bastards.

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

C.A.R.R.:
I can't believe you're going skiing instead of saving Santa.

Stroker:
Shut up, C.A.R.R.

Keith:
Dad, I thought you said you were gonna help Santa?

Stroker:
Listen, buddy, you think your Dad would drive up to a fancy ski lodge instead of saving Santa Claus?

Keith:
Yeah.

Stroker:
Of course not. He's going to the North Pole to investigate the men who hurt Santa. In fact, he's leaving Santa a not right now about some important leads. With some cookies.

Stroker:
Don't read Santa's mail, Keith.

Keith:
Ok.

Stroker:
Sorry Dad can't be with you tomorrow, but he has to save Christmas. I'll tell you what, I'll make it up by buying you something really expensive when I get back, ok?

[Stroker sees Angel getting ready to get Keith at her car]

Stroker:
Remember what I said about a reward for not telling Mommy about the lottery. [laughs] Ok, attaboy.

[Hoop arrives in a big truck]

Hoop:
Hey, Stroke, ready to hit the slopes?

Stroker:
Hell, yes!

[Keith looked at Stroker with a gasped face]

Stroker:
The slopes of Santa's Workshop!

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Lotto Announcer:
[on TV] And now for today's winning numbers -- 3, 25, 49...

Stroker:
Hold on a sec. Did she say 3-25-49? Quiet, Santa, I can't hear the tv. That can't be right. Coroner Rick, check my ticket.

[Coroner Rick checks the lotto ticket]

Coroner Rick:
Oh, my god! Stroker just won the lottery, and he got to share the moment with his best friend.

Stroker:
Yeah, this is awesome! You guys can all go [bleep] yourselves 'cause I just won! Awesome! Yeah! This is gonna be the best christmas ever!

[sees Santa still around]

Stroker:
Sorry, Santa. [quietly] Yes!

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Coroner Rick:
Good news on your tox screen, Santa. Negative for all known poisons.

Santa:
Oh, ho, thank goodness!

Coroner Rick:
The bad news is we found an unidentified drug that looks like a new slow-acting designer poison.

Santa:
Is there any way to create an antidote?

Coroner Rick:
Absolutely. We'll just need to biopsy the brain and the liver to confirm the diagnosis once you're dead. Isolate the compound, test it on some rats, and in a few years, we'll almost certainly have an antidote. [laughs] Oh, you mean for you. Ooh, of course. I'm sorry. No.

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

[Stroker saves Santa]

Stroker:
Enough with the moaning. You're in pain. We get it.

Santa:
I can't believe you're bringing me here.

Stroker:
Hey, Santa, if you're so finicky about your hospital, get insurance.

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Mall Cop:
Drop the weapon!

Stroker:
[shows his badge] John Strockmeyer, Private Investigator.

Mall Cop:
I said drop it, asshole!

Stroker:
Chill, man. Private Investigator, Trumps Mall Cop.

Mall Cop:
This is your last warning!

Stroker:
Why don't you go check to see if anyone's parked in the loading zone at Urban Outfit--

[Stroker gets pepper sprayed]

Stroker:
Oh, my eyes! My eyes!

[Stroker then gets beat up from a Mall Cop]

Mall Cop:
And for future reference, the parking lot speed limit is 5! [kicks Stroker 5 times] 1, 2, 3, 4, 5!

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Narrator:
You know, Christmas time can have a funny way of looking like any other time around our little valley. Today, for instance, beautiful Christmas Eve morning. You would have never guessed from looking at the responsibility for saving Christmas was about to fall on one man.

[transitions to the next scene to a Family Man]

Narrator:
Oh, I wish it was him. Strong, brave, pillar of the community, but no. [pans the camera at Stroker] It was this guy.

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Stroker:
Hey, don't worry, buddy. I'll pay you a cold million out of my billion. What do you say, Porsche? A million for everybody!

All:
Alright!

Coroner Rick:
Thank you, Stroker!

Stroker:
Wait, duh, how many millions in a billion?

Porsche:
$1,000.

Stroker:
$1,000? $100,000 for everybody!

All:
Alright!

Haitian Worker:
Alright!

Ansel:
Not so fast!

Porsche:
Ansel, you're alive!

Ansel:
That's right. Having the doctor repair the Ansel bear repaired me. [to Stroker] I don't know how to thank you.

Stroker:
Oh, I'm sure you can of something. Maybe a billion somethings?

Stroker & Ansel:
[laughs]

Ansel:
That's funny! Pay you a billion dollars. [laughs] Poor people say the darndest things.

Stroker:
No, seriously, that was the rate. A billion dollars for solving your murder.

Ansel:
But the only thing is I'm not dead.

Porsche:
Later, guys.

Stroker:
Dammit!

Haitian Worker:
So, no $100,000?

Ansel:
No, but I pulled some strings and got you a job in the Nike Factory.

Haitian Worker:
Would someone please make me undead again?

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Hoop:
Were they able to revive the undead workers?

Coroner Rick:
Well, unfortunately, most of the undead are just plain dead now because we blew their brains out.

Double-Wide:
We were on a roll, man! A zombie-killing roll! [imitating gunfire] Die! Die!

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

[while Stroker and Porsche are hiding in another room]

Stroker:
That door won't hold forever, and I'm down to my last two bullets.

Porsche:
There's only one thing to do.

Stroker:
Open the door and g out in a blaze of glory?

Porsche:
I was thinking of having sex.

Stroker:
Now?

Porsche:
The fear of getting caught really makes me hot.

Stroker:
Well, alright.

[as Stroker unbutton his pants]

Hoop:
Stroker, open up. Stroker!

Porsche:
Wait, that's Hoop!

Stroker:
No, that's zombie moaning. They're gonna catch us. Does that turn you on?

Porsche:
Yes.

Hoop:
It's me, Hoop.

Stroker:
[to Porsche] They must have turned him into a zombie. [to Hoop] Not now, Hoop.

Hoop:
It's safe now. Coroner Rick called the Haitian Police.

Porsche:
Did he just say it's safe?

Stroker:
It's a trick.

[as Stroker was about to kiss Porsche, Hoop and the Haitian Police came in]

Stroker:
Dammit, Hoop!

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

[Coroner Rick shoots the zombies but the gun only shoots a flashlight out on them]

Coroner Rick:
What the hell?

Double-Wide:
[laughs] That's pure sunshine. It's like acid to zombies.

Porsche:
Isn't that vampires?

Double-Wide:
Zombies, too! That's why they called it "Night of the Living Dead". They wouldn't call it "Day of the Dead".

Coroner Rick:
That was THE SEUQEL!

Double-Wide:
Oh, crap.

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Gary:
Well, well, well. I see we've been watching Discovery Channel? The close your eyes an hold you breath trick won't work this time.

Hoop:
There's one thing I have to know. Why did you send Ansel Candler a voodoo doll? What's your evil plan?

Gary:
There's no plan. Zombies are just stupid. You tell them to make a teddy bear, and sometimes they screw up and make a voodoo doll. A few customers get killed. It's just the cost of doing business.

Hoop:
You greedy bastard. What happened to your hippie ideal?

Gary:
Greedy? I donate a half percent of net profits from rainforest bear to the Amazon.

Hoop:
Hey, by the way, what ever happened to the rainforest? I completely lost track.

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Hoop:
We zombies are going on strike! We want better rages, more brains, and a microwave in the break room.

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

[Hoop creates a Coroner Rick voodoo doll to send a message to the crew]

Coroner Rick:
Ow! Dammit, Porsche! I told you no fingernails on the back!

Porsche:
I'm not!

Coroner Rick:
OW! Dammit, Double-Wide. You, too.

Double-Wide:
It's not me, man.

Coroner Rick:
AAAH! MY BACK! MY BACK!

Double-Wide:
Hold on. It's writing.

[Double-Wide reads the letters on Coroner Rick's back while it writes]

Double-Wide:
"Help! I'm trapped at the New Hampshire Fuzzy Bear Factory". It must be from Hoop!

Coroner Rick:
Can't that mother abbreviate "N.H."? N.H.

Double-Wide:
[continues reading] "It's in Haiti...1341 Port Av Prince Boulevard Northwest".

Coroner Rick:
[still in pain]

Double-Wide:
"It's swarming with (please turn to front)

Coroner Rick:
Damn it!

[switches the side of Coroner Rick's stomach to finish the message]

Double-Wide:
"Zombies! Bring help! Thanks, your pal, Hoop". Wow, zombies!

Coroner Rick:
Oh, thank god that's over.

[Hoop continues to write one last thing]

Coroner Rick:
[screams in torture]

Double-Wide:
"P.S...."

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

[Gary sees a zombie making a voodoo doll]

Gary:
Another voodoo doll? I have to keep my eyes on you zombies every second. STOP MAKING VOODOO DOLLS! [beats him up] I HAVE TOLD YOU! I'VE TOLD YOU! I TOLD YOU!

Gary:
Damn, it's unsatisfying beating a zombie.

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

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