The Drinky Crow Show

Phoebe:
Oh, Drinky Crow, I love you, but you have to choose between me and the drinking. Please, say something.

Drinky Crow:
[vomits his wife]

Drinky Crow:
I wish I was dead.

Uncle Gabby:
Why would that be so great?

Drinky Crow:
Well, the pain would stop.

Uncle Gabby:
No, it wouldn't. I believe after death, we're subjected to horrible tortures...of the sexual variety.

[after Uncle Gabby killed the female whale]

Uncle Gabby:
Uh-oh, the whale's husband! If he loved his wife at all, he'll hunt us down and mash us both dead with his awful baleen teeth.

Uncle Gabby:
They're like that, whales -- Very gigantic, very romantic.

[after Uncle Gabby saves Drinky Crow from drowning himself to death]

Drinky Crow:
You won't believe what I just saw, Uncle Gabby. I'm so aroused. I must kiss something. LET ME KISS YOU!

[Drinky Crow tackles Uncle Gabby to kiss him]

Uncle Gabby:
Mouth-to-mouth is strictly medical. What the hell?!

Drinky Crow:
I SAW A MERMAID!

Uncle Gabby:
Crap. Brain damage. Don't hunt me down for vengeance, Husband Whale. Caring for my gimpy-minded friend is punishment enough.

Uncle Gabby:
[to Drinky Crow] If it's horrible, it exists. If it's beautiful, you're imagining it.

Captain's Daughter:
Oh, Uncle Gabby, I thought you said I was beautiful.

Drinky Crow & Uncle Gabby:
[bowed down to her] Captain's Daughter.

Drinky Crow:
She's real. Why not mermaids?

Uncle Gabby:
Mermaids are stupid. Captain Daughter -- For you, I make and exception. Hey, here's an idea. I give you this whale-blubber sandwich, you let me kiss you in three places. I pick the places.

Captain's Daughter:
Naughty monkey. [laughs while bruising Uncle Gabby with a baseball bat]

Captain Maak:
Flirtin' with my daughter, Mr. Gabby?

Uncle Gabby:
I can explain.

Captain Maak:
Bosh. I was young once. I understand...

[cuts to the next scene where Captain Maak whips Uncle Gabby]

Captain Maak:
YOUR WEIRD, SICK, PERVERTED FANTASIES!

[Cynthia's Husband drinks Uncle Gabby's blood from all the whipping that Captain Maak did]

Cynthia:
Drinking while I'm home with your kids? You better have a pretty good story, mister!

Cynthia's Husband:
I have cancer.

Uncle Gabby:
Mermaids don't exist.

Drinky Crow:
Uncle Gabby, I saw her, and I wasn't blind-drunk. I was puking-drunk.

[Drinky Crow and Uncle Gabby head to the Chop Chop Grocery]

Uncle Gabby:
Show us everything you've got that's part fish, part woman.

Asian Market Guy:
Well, there's ass fish. Leg fish.

Uncle Gabby:
Sure.

Asian Market Guy:
Bosoms fish.

Uncle Gabby:
Right.

Asian Market Guy:
Clam.

Uncle Gabby:
...

Asian Market Guy:
A nag-mouth crab.

Nag Mouth Crab:
Carol's boyfriend is a lawyer. Why aren't you lawyer?

Uncle Gabby:
No mermaid, then?

Asian Market Guy:
No.

Nag Mouth Crab:
Mermaid? What are you, stupid?

[cuts to the next where Captain Maak gets back to whipping Uncle Gabby]

Captain Maak:
IN A CHINESE GROCERY STORE WITHOUT PERMISSION, UNCLE GABBY?!

Cynthia:
I can't believe I yelled at you and you have cancer. I feel like a total b*tch.

Drinky Crow:
That trip to the chinese grocery store didn't prove anything.

Uncle Gabby:
That was the best chinese grocery store in the world. Admit it, Drinky Crow, you believe in mermaids to make your life seem tolerable, but it's time to face facts.

Captain's Daughter:
If you believe in something, it must exist, Drinky Crow. Follow your heart.

Drinky Crow:
Thank you, Captain's Daughter. I will.

[Drinky Crow gets drunk and flies off]

Uncle Gabby:
Why'd you tell him that for? It's moronic.

Captain's Daughter:
To get him out of your cabin.

Uncle Gabby:
[realizes sexually] Oh.

Captain's Daughter:
Lieutenant Vronchy, remember me? We danced together at the christmas ball.

Lieutenant Vronchy:
Off of me, you silly goose.

Captain's Daughter:
You said you loved me!

Lieutenant Vronchy:
Bah! You're nothing to me, you silly american girl. If you study the proper techniques of lovemaking, I consider letting you to be the mistress of my mistress. [laughs scornfully]

Captain's Daughter:
[sobs]

Captain Maak:
[to his daughter] Idiot.

Lieutenant Vronchy:
Step aside so I may mock her more.

Uncle Gabby:
Okay, I'm no hero, but I'm gonna have to say no to that.

Captain's Daughter:
Oh, Gabby, I think my heart might be broken.

Uncle Gabby:
I know for a fact my spine is dragging on the deck.

Lieutenant Vronchy:
[plays with UG's organs] What is mutilation without humiliation? Like pancakes without maple syrup!

Drinky Crow:
[drunk] Gabby was right. I just believe in things to make life seem worth living. 'Course they don't exist -- A half human, half fish? That's just stupid.

[Drinky Crow sees Uncle Gabby getting eaten by a fish but actually just hallucinating it as a mermaid while getting drunk]

Drinky Crow:
GOD! THEY'RE MISTREATING THAT MERMAID!

Lieutenant Vronchy:
The tide of battle, she has turned again. Ooh la la.

Lieutenant Vronchy:
Men, to your cannons. Fire vigorously! Give no quarter -- None at all.

Drinky Crow:
Dance, Ungle Gabby. Sway those hips.

[Uncle Gabby dances, while Drinky Crow comes up with a plan]

Uncle Gabby:
Why am I doing this?

Drinky Crow:
The grief-stricken whale whose wife you killed, Gabby. He just has to be ready to move on to a new relationship. Then this brilliant yet simple plane will surely work!

Uncle Gabby:
Still not following.

[as the male whale sees his female whale who's actually a boat, the male whale humped the boat Drinky Crow's plan to fight off the crocodiles]

Uncle Gabby:
Oh, this is awful. Oh, it's the most painful and disgusting experience there is. [to the male whale] No, sir. Sir, uh, no. No, not the hole. Uh, hey, hey! HEY, HEY! [screams]

Captain Maak:
That monkey's a hero.

Lieutenant Vronchy:
My beautiful uniform. If I do not remove it, I will surely drown.

Drinky Crow:
Hey, Gabby, instead of dreaming of what doesn't exist, we should find love where are, huh? On the other hand, it's our love for the unattainable that inspires us to accomplish great things. Which do you prefer, Gabby -- The unattainable ideal or the here and now?

Uncle Gabby:
I have no interest in discussing this.

[Drinky Crow drives while drunk]

Drinky Crow:
I finally figured out how to solve this drinking and driving problem.

Uncle Gabby:
Genius!

[after Phoebe break up with Drinky Crow]

Uncle Gabby:
Ehh, you're too good for her.

Drinky Crow:
How? She smarter than me.

Uncle Gabby:
True.

Drinky Crow:
Better-looking.

Uncle Gabby:
Yeah.

Drinky Crow:
She's got a job. She flosses daily.

Uncle Gabby:
She was cheating on you with a seal!

Drinky Crow:
Actually she was cheating on him with me. She told me a hundred times if I didn't quit drinking, she'd go back to him.

Uncle Gabby:
[drunk] Luckily, we rescued the booze!

Old Lady #1:
Are you okay, Crow?

Uncle Gabby:
Of course he's okay! I've got to warn you. This guy is a total kidder. He always pretending to be suicidally depressed.

[Drinky Crow shoots himself]

Uncle Gabby:
[passive aggressive manner] Crow...could I talk to you for a second?

[after Drink Crow shoots himself in front of the old ladies]

Uncle Gabby:
What was that? I'm doing my best to warm those girls up, and there you go cooling them off.

Drinky Crow:
I'm sorry, Uncle Gabby. Those girls are scary,

Uncle Gabby:
All girls are scary.

Drinky Crow:
Yeah, but being with them makes me miss Phoebe more.

Uncle Gabby:
Why? 'Cause she's smarter and prettier and nicer than them? And they're a couple of smelly, stupid, old drunks?

Drinky Crow:
No! [pauses] Yeah.

Drinky Crow:
I want to lower my standards, but to make out with those scary hags, I'd have to lower my standards and gouge my eyes out.

[after Drinky Crow makeout with the old ladies while using beer goggles visioning them as young woman]

Uncle Gabby:
Drinky Crow!

Drinky Crow:
Yes, Uncle Gabby?

Uncle Gabby:
Let's get out of here before they --

Drinky Crow:
[to the old lady] Wake up, honey!

Uncle Gabby:
[tired] -- Wake up.

Drinky Crow:
What do you want for breakfast?

Old Lady #1:
Eggs, lover. Same as you had last night.

Uncle Gabby:
[vomits]

Old Lady #1:
Why are you so happy, Crow?

Drinky Crow:
I've got a beautiful lady on my arm. Why shouldn't I be happy?

Old Lady #1:
Well, you're just making fun. I'm deformed, I got a prolapsed uterus, and I'm chock-full of varicose veins.

Drinky Crow:
Take this button for example. Before I put on the beer goggles, I probably would have thought it was scary and foreboding. But now it looks like if I press it, it could start a new, wonderful chapter in my life.

[60 billion years ago]

Alien #1:
There's nothing here but dinosaurs.

Alien #2:
So?

Alien #1:
So, our job is to exterminate all intelligent life and let our race rule supreme. Glory to the highest queen.

Alien #2:
Glory to the highest queen.

Alien #1:
This trip's been a total bust.

Alien #2:
Look, let's just set up this planet-busting bomb and attach it to this planet-busting-bomb button. If the creatures here ever become intelligent, they'll be sure to press it, and then they'll destroy themselves.

Alien #1:
Well, Rob, you know, you come up with really good ideas. How do you do it?

Alien #2:
I don't know. They just come to me.

Alien #1:
You really make me feel like crap sometimes.

[before Drinky Crow was about to push the button]

Uncle Gabby:
Drinky Crow, I have a bad feeling about this.

Drinky Crow:
That's 'cause you look at the world through crap-colored glasses. There's beauty and wonder everywhere, Gabby. You're just too cynical to see it.

[after Drinky Crow push the button to world domination]

Uncle Gabby:
I don't know what you're happy about, Drinky Crow. You destroyed the world.

Drinky Crow:
Well, look on the bright side. We have a fresh, new start with these two lovely ladies.

Uncle Gabby:
Yeah, I don't think your lovely lady is doing so well.

[cuts to the next scene where the old lady got burned from the explosion]

Drinky Crow:
Looks like that kooky girl wandered off. She thinks if she plays hard to get, I'll be even crazier about her. Well, anyway. She did leave this delicious buffet. [eats the old lady's bones]

Drinky Crow:
I don't know why she would have left me. Things seemed to be going really well.

Uncle Gabby:
She's dead, Crow. You killed her.

Drinky Crow:
Well, I'm sure there's some other beautiful girl out there for me.

Uncle Gabby:
Everybody is dead! You killed everybody!

Drinky Crow:
I'm sure things will turn out for the best.

Uncle Gabby:
You know what, Crow? When you were depressed, you were fun. Now that you're happy, you're annoying!

Drinky Crow:
Yeah, well, you know what your problem is, Gabby? YOU'RE AFRAID TO BE HAPPY!

Drinky Crow:
Uncle Gabby, wake up.

Uncle Gabby:
Crow, go away. I had a bad night's sleep. Dreamed you destroyed the world. [wakes up] AAH!

Drinky Crow:
Honey, I'm home! With my old friend, Uncle Gabby!

[Uncle Gabby sees Drinky's hot woman in his point of view]

Uncle Gabby:
[tired] That's really nice.

Drinky Crow:
Oh, come on, Uncle Gabby! What's the matter? Don't tell me you're jealous of our happiness.

Uncle Gabby:
Okay, I won't.

Drinky Crow:
Listen, Gabby. Just 'cause you never settled down doesn't mean that you have to run down everybody else's relationship. We happen to be happy. Yeah.

Uncle Gabby:
I'm gonna go. It doesn't matter what I think of her. [leaves]

Drinky Crow:
That's right. You don't know anything about her.

[Drinky Crow makes out with Joanie]

Uncle Gabby:
Crow, I don't think you ought to do that.

Drinky Crow:
Leave us alone.

[while Drinky Crow humps Joanie with his beer goggles, he's actually humping on a pile mud]

Uncle Gabby:
It's not a good idea.

Drinky Crow:
We're happy.

Uncle Gabby:
Your wife's a patch of mud!

Drinky Crow:
What do you know?

Uncle Gabby:
I KNOW YOU SHOULDN'T STICK YOUR PRESIDENT TRUMAN IN MUD!

Drinky Crow:
Gabby, I didn't want to tell you this because it was a secret, but now I don't care. Joanie and I have wonderful news.

Uncle Gabby:
What?

Drinky Crow:
We're pregnant!

Uncle Gabby:
Oh, that's exactly what I was afraid of. YOU GOT THE WHOLE EARTH PREGNANT! YOU STUPID BIRD!

Drinky Crow:
That's my wife. We're pregnant. That's what you say -- We're pregnant.

Alien #2:
And now we go back to earth and wipe out anybody who might be left.

Alien #1:
I don't know why I never have good ideas like you.

Alien #2:
Your ideas are fine.

Alien #1:
No, they aren't. They're just the obvious ones. You're better at genocide than I am.

Alien #2:
Fine.

Alien #1:
What?

Alien #2:
Fine. You're not very good at genocide. I'm better. You're worse. Are you happy?

Alien #1:
You know, you can be a real jerk sometimes.

Alien #2:
Just engage the laser cannons.

Alien #1:
I don't see why I always have to do it.

Drinky Crow:
I'm afraid I did something really bad last night, Uncle Gabby. Something so horrible I blew my own brains out so I wouldn't remember it!

Uncle Gabby:
So? Everything worked out.

Drinky Crow:
Gabby! What if you got married or killed somebody or poisoned wells, or ritually circumcised children and got the ritual wrong? Wouldn't you care?

Uncle Gabby:
Not even remotely.

Drinky Crow:
Hey, why'd you guys ditch us last night?

Drinky's Brain:
YOU TRIED TO SHOOT ME, EINSTEIN! I'M NOT STUPID, I'M A BRAIN!

Captain's Daughter:
So Drinky, what part was the awfulest? When you saw the face you loved scraped off by the whale's raspy tongue?

Drinky Crow:
I'm a little raw now. I can't say.

Uncle Gabby:
I bet it was when he saw his engagement ring in the titanic whale stool. By the way, Crow, you two were engaged.

Captain Maak:
Point of curiosity here, Crow, and don't answer if it's too painful. Do you think she died instantly or did her head and bosoms survive long enough to be burned by the whale's gastric juices?

Drinky Crow:
I can't handle this! I gotta go!

Sailor:
Aw, c'mon! I wanna hear more about your horrific, scarring ordeal! It distracts me a teeny bit from my own nose cancer.

Uncle Gabby:
Wow! We drank free the whole night! And I didn't have to chop wood or break anybody's knees or nothing!

Captain's Daughter:
[to Drinky Crow] You had a good story. People like having their minds occupied.

Uncle Gabby:
So simply by telling a story, you can get people to give you things? That's the greatest scam ever!

Captain's Daughter:
It's called "Entertainment".

Uncle Gabby:
Well anybody who'd pay to look at something that's not real is a chump and I want his money.

Uncle Gabby:
Crow, you're gonna occupy people's minds with your awful story and we're gonna get rich.

Drinky Crow:
I don't know. Reliving it is really painful.

Uncle Gabby:
You got the emotional pain, Crow. You might as well make some money off of it. I promise it'll be respectful.

[cuts to the next scene where Uncle Gabby opens up a show performance]

Uncle Gabby:
Hey everybody! Come pay money to see me re-enact the death of Drinky Crow's stupid girlfriend in the mouth of a filthy whale fish! I promise you'll cry and puke your eyes and guts out, respectively!

Ocean Fun World Lady:
Excuse me. I'm from Ocean Fun World. That's quite a show you've got there!

Uncle Gabby:
The secret is the blood comes from King Charles Spaniels.

[shows the next scene where the blood originally comes from dogs]

Ocean Fun World Lady:
You know, your show would be perfect for our late night theme park, due to its whale theme and its appeal to our audience of bored teenagers. They have such short attention spans they respond only to violence, sex and self-referential meta-humor.

Lieutenant Vronchy:
Bills getting you down?

Sailor #2:
Uh-huh!

Lieutenant Vronchy:
How about a way to kill strangers all day every day and pay for college?

[Lieutenant Vronchy shoots Sailor #2 with his cannon splats Sailor's blood on the sheets that says "Join The Navy"]

Lieutenant Vronchy:
"Join the Navy"!

Drinky Crow:
I like being rich. [shoots himself]

Uncle Gabby:
I bought a mansion today that was shaped just like a lady's dirty part!

[Drinky Crow and Uncle Gabby head to Chop Chop Grocery to get a new brain for Drinky Crow]

Asian Market Guy:
Here. Belong to man live in mother's basement. Shamed by father for having female-like breasts. Unable to hold down job because of very sweaty hands. Die of masturbation overdose.

Uncle Gabby:
Ocean World, put your fins together for Super Tough Sex Girl Who Also Is Tom Boyfriend Of Obese Virigin!

Super Tough Sex Girl:
I'm so scary and sexy! If only I could meet a guy who shares my love of comic books. Although my body is perfect, his need not be!

Super Tough Sex Girl:
My arch villain, the Quarterback!

Quarterback:
Date me! Or I'll kill you!

Super Tough Sex Girl:
No way! I find your out-going social personality a real turn-off!

Quarterback:
Oh yeah? Take this!

[Quarterback throw many footballs but she dodges them]

Super Tough Sex Girl:
Looks like this game has reached sudden death.

[STSG squished Quarterback with her breasts]

Teenager:
Whoa, that show totally nailed female psychology!

Asian Market Guy:
This brain of choreographer killed by Spike!

[cuts to the next scene where dancing ladies got hit in the big nail on their foreheads]

Asian Market Guy:
Ten-mile wide fungus.

[cuts to the next scene where two mushrooms have sex with each other]

Mushroom #1:
Gonna sporulate!

Mushroom #2:
Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! NOW!

Asian Market Guy:
Surf Nazi centipede.

[cuts to the next scene where two actors fires guns out of the air while wearing bug costumes]

Asian Market Guy:
Oppressed mouse.

[cuts to the next scene where two actors are in object costumes]

Popcorn:
Hey do you have my four dollars?

Floss:
What four dollars?

Sea Monster:
Y'all want to suck my balls?

[Popcorn and Floss explodes]

Asian Market Guy:
And this from drunk bum who became drunk cartoonist!

[shows the next scene where two actors sees their miniature selves on the same platform showing another miniature selves on the platform and so on]

Audience:
Boo! This sucks!

[Ocean Fun World Lady hits Uncle Gabby with a bat]

Ocean Fun World Lady:
You're writing is bad and so are you! You're fired!

Uncle Gabby:
But I was gonna have the walls of my vagina mansion rejuvenated!

Asian Market Guy:
This brain from serial killer called Timer Killer. He use timer bombs to kill everyone he angry at. Even himself.

Drinky Crow:
I heard of him. They say there's still timers out there they never found, right? Hello! Who's that?

Asian Market Guy:
That from big smelly whale I found on beach. It my lunch.

Drinky Crow:
Bored teenagers! I have a shocking revelation about my personal tragedy! This brain belonged to my murderous whale's and it says Cindy wasn't killed at sea!

[flashblack intensifies]

Drinky Crow:
She faked her death! Cindy collected the insurance money and split it with her real boyfriend, the corrupt insurance agent. I know this because I also have their brains!

Teenager #2:
How'd you get them?

Drinky Crow:
That's not important.

[after Drinky got saved from his friends when he made a speech about his new brain for the bored teenagers]

Asian Market Guy:
Shoulda used Timer Killer brain. Grandma always say killing much more entertaining than healing.

Drinky Crow:
I wonder if those teenagers will ever experience something interesting enough that it will hold their attention.

[cuts to the next scene where there's time bomb that explodes the water theme park making the audience drown in water and getting eaten by vicious sea monsters]

Uncle Gabby:
Hard to say, Drinky Crow. Hard to say.

[while Uncle Gabby have sex with Sharon]

Man:
These are good crackers. Yup, really good crackers.

[Uncle Gabby goes back to having sex with Sharon]

Man:
You don't get crackers like this everyday, no sirree!

Uncle Gabby:
Could you keep it down?

Man:
No can do. These crackers are just too good. Mmm. Good crackers!

Uncle Gabby:
Well go enjoy them someplace else. YOU'RE RUINING THE MOOD!

Sharon's Husband:
[appears from the sheets] Not possible. Sharon and I are conjoined.

Uncle Gabby:
[groans]

[while UG finally gets back to having sex with Sharon, UG touches Sharon's husband nipple without realizing]

Uncle Gabby:
I gotta say, this feels a little queer.

Sharon's Husband:
I never thought about it like that before. I guess, uh, when you think about the fact that I can feel everything that happens in Sharon's body, and I'm a man, it sort of is. I mean I see your point.

Uncle Gabby:
Alright that's bogus. For two dollars, I expect a normal girl, not a conjoined twin.

Sharon:
[crying]

Sharon's Husband:
Nice. [to UG] You know, we aren't conjoined twins.

Uncle Gabby:
Yeah. How so?

Sharon's Husband:
We're conjoined triplets.

[Sharon's Husband opens the sheet some more revealing a big monster that's been conjoined with Sharon and himself]

Brian:
Keep goin' buddy! I'm almost there.

[Drinky Crow and Uncle Gabby runs away from the conjoined triplets]

Brian:
Hey come back! What's the matter? You don't like me? [to Drinky Crow] Ask him if he likes me.

Drinky Crow:
[to UG] Do you like him?

Uncle Gabby:
NO!

Drinky Crow:
[Brian] He says no.

Brian:
Ask him why not.

Drinky Crow:
Why don't you like him?

Uncle Gabby:
I JUST DON'T!

Brian:
[to Drinky Crow] Tell him I'll start off forcing him and then he'll learn to like it.

Phoebe:
Do you promise me this acupuncture treatment will fix him? For good?

Asian Market Guy:
Crow get needle, Crow no want drink.

[Phoebe grabs the needles and stabs them into Drinky's head]

Drinky's Brain:
HEY! WHO DRAINED THE BOOZE POOL?!

Drinky Crow:
I thought quitting drinking would make me feel better, Uncle Gabby. I feel awful.

Uncle Gabby:
Yeah I know what you mean, Crow. Ever since I got lucky with that conjoined triplet, I've felt kinda weird. Like there's a battle going on inside me.

[zooms in into UG's stomach seeing his talking organs]

Syphilis:
Outta my way, Bladder! I'm a young syphilis with a lot to prove!

Bladder:
You'll have to get past me!

[UG sees Bladder and Syphilis fighting each other]

Uncle Gabby:
[to Drinky Crow] Does that look bad to you?

Drinky Crow:
Heh. I'll have to be honest with you. It looks okay.

Drinky's Brain:
We need more booze, fellas. And fast!

Drinky's Liver:
No we don't! I'm dyin' here!

Drinky's Brain:
[pulls the gun on Drinky's Liver] Just do your job, you pansy!

[when Drinky's brain shoots the liver, the bullet transported out of Drinky's body into UG's body also shooting Uncle Gabby's bladder]

Syphilis:
Serves you right! I'm gonna unwrap this monkey's nervous system like a present on christmas morning!

Drinky Crow:
It's like my brain keeps telling me to drink but I know I shouldn't.

Uncle Gabby:
Listen to your brain. It knows you pretty well.

[Drinky's Brain grabs Drinky Crow]

Drinky's Brain:
Listen to the SMART MONKEY!

Captain Maak:
Mademoiselle Debroursay, I ask you one more time, why is there a french dreadnought in the bay of Biscay?

Mademoiselle Debroursay:
What makes you theenk I would know anything about Vranch Dreadnought? I am vrom zee american souze-west. I am ze, how you say, eh cowboy.

Captain Maak:
You remain uncooperative. I must return you to your quarters for the evening.

[cuts to the next scene wher Captain Maak locked Debroursay up in his office for the night]

Captain Maak:
Although a spy, you are a refined woman. In peace you could have been a role model for my headstrong moron of a daughter.

Captain Maak:
Please answer nature's call on the newspaper.

Captain Maak:
Drinky Crow and Uncle Gabby, for consorting with the enemy, trespass, and Brandy Larceny, I strip you of your ranks and hereby throw you in the bilge water.

Uncle Gabby:
I've got great news, Drinky Crow.

Drinky Crow:
Yeah, what?

Uncle Gabby:
I'm in love! I'm even getting rid of Old Bess. [shows a chunk hole in wood]

Drinky Crow:
[awkward] I'm happy for you.

Uncle Gabby:
Come on, Drinky Crow. This is stupid. You belong in the garbage juice with me.

Captain Maak:
You wish to see me, Mr. Crow?

Drinky Crow:
Yes, Captain Maak. I've decided to become a hero.

Captain Maak:
Drinky Crow, if you do. You will forever blot out the memory of your drunken crimes.

Drinky Crow:
I'm okay with that.

Captain Maak:
Then report to the deck first thing tomorrow. [sniffs] And be sure to wash up first -- You smell like the inside of the first mate's rectum.

Lieutenant Vronchy:
Well done, Mademoiselle Deoursay. Thanks to you, we know the precise location of the enemy scow! [kisses her] Eugh! You taste like monkey.

[Drinky Crow opens up a hole to their submarine and sees Cognac above Vronchy's ship]

Drinky Crow:
Cognac! The french must be trying to run our fortified wine embargo! That french girl used you to find out the exact location of our blockade!

Uncle Gabby:
Interesting. Eh. The submarine seems to be filling with cognac.

Drinky Crow:
Hmm...a lovely bouquet. Caramel, teak wood, [sniffs] and the distinct notes of turpentine.

Uncle Gabby:
So drink it already! If you don't, we'll die!

Drinky Crow:
I can't! I promised Phoebe I'd quit drinking!

Uncle Gabby:
I-I thought I found love. Plans change.

Drinky Crow:
But quitting was so very hard. I committed brain-icide!

Uncle Gabby:
Drinky Crow. If you don't drink now, we'll drown in booze. I'll never see Pittsburgh!

[Drinky Crow and Uncle Gabby managed to drinks the booze to save themselves from drowning]

Uncle Gabby:
We're saved!

Drinky Crow:
This calls for a cigar!

Uncle Gabby:
My doctor says I shouldn't, but what the -- [explodes]

Uncle Gabby:
Let me ask you something, Drinky Crow, and this time I want you to be totally honest. Does this look okay?

[UG shows his body that his Syphilis eats one of UG's bone ribs]

Syphilis:
To life!

Captain Maak:
[writes a note] My dear Mutombo. For years I have scoured the seven seas searching for the mysterious well of the Gods. Is it a legend? A dream? A lie? A mistranslation? A mishapprehension? A mistake? Or could it be as true and real as the flesh and blood crabs within my beard?

[close up to Captain Maak's beard where the tiny crabs are eating his skin]

Captain Maak:
I thrill at the notion of the great power soon to fall in my hands. So important is it that its location remain a secret from our enemies that I am writing this letter in the vignere cipher...and will destroy it without sending it to you.

[after Captain Maak finishes his note, he then smokes a joint with it as a cigar and ate it]

Captain Maak:
Mutumbo, my dear chum, if anybody knew I was even searching for it, the consequences would be dire indeed!

[after Drinky Crow shoots the crocodiles with the cannon from the battle last afternoon]

Drinky Crow:
You left me with the two-man cannon! And I'm one man! Where were you?

Uncle Gabby:
I had to peep out Captain's Daughter flossing. You're okay, right?

Drinky Crow:
These eight feet of intestine are supposed to be inside me.

Uncle Gabby:
So that's what inguinal hernia looks like.

Uncle Gabby:
What else is weird is when I remember how my action caused your injury I get this weird bad feeling.

Drinky Crow:
That's called guilt, Uncle Gabby. I have it all the time.

Uncle Gabby:
Some...bird thing?

Drinky Crow:
No, everybody has it. How did you feel when you went out to get pizza and let the Holocaust happen?

Uncle Gabby:
FULL! This is gonna be a real problem, Crow. I've caught this weird avian brain flu from hanging out with you that's gonna make me feel bad when something bad happens to somebody else.

Drinky Crow:
That you cause.

Uncle Gabby:
Whatever. It's gonna take a total bite out of my fun-having possibilities.

[after getting drunk from feeling guilty of Uncle Gabby not helping with Drinky in the fight between crocodiles]

Uncle Gabby:
I don't think I can get out of my guilt through drinking anymore, Drinky. I need somebody to take it away for me.

Drinky Crow:
You sound like A.A. They believe in trusting a higher power.

Uncle Gabby:
Great, let's do that!

Drinky Crow:
I can't cause it's not true. Scientists have taught us there is no God or higher power controlling the universe. Instead the planets are dragged across the sky by giant magnets.

Uncle Gabby:
Huh. Don't you think you'd feel better if you believed some higher power was moving the magnets?

Drinky Crow:
Sure. I don't deserve to feel better because I'm full of sin.

Uncle Gabby:
How can you still believe in sin if you don't believe in God?

Drinky Crow:
I hold onto the stuff that appeals to me.

[Captain Maak writes another note for Mutumbo]

Captain Maak:
My dear Mutumbo. The wonders indicating that we approach the phenomenon known as the Well of the Gods are rampant. The sea has turned a magnificent white. And last night the bosun netted a catch of the most unusual fish.

[Captain Maak eats a sperm looking fish]

Captain Maak:
The taste is oddly familiar. We must be approaching victory!

Uncle Gabby:
I thought about what you said about god and guilt, Drinky Crow, and I found a solution.

[UG opens the crate and brings out a different monkey]

Uncle Gabby:
His name is Fritz and my religion is worshipping him! WOO WOO! MONKEY GOD'S GREAT! WOO WOO! MONKEY GOD'S GREAT!

Fritz:
Oh, thanks, thanks. You're embarrassing me!

Uncle Gabby:
Oh, great god! What do you think about how I let Drinky Crow herniate himself with the two-man cannon so I could peep out Captain's Daughter being a dirty, filthy girl with her gums?

Fritz:
I think...fantastic! In fact, let's peep her out some more right now!

Uncle Gabby:
Thanks! My guilt is gone!

[Uncle Gabby and Fritz takes a peek of Captain's Daughter clipping her nails]

Uncle Gabby:
Ah, yeah. You take a whack at little hoof, you tart. And your gums are even more inflamed than usual.

Fritz:
Perhaps, some Monkey God rubbed her floss with his feces.

[Uncle Gabby and Fritz high fived for that one]

Uncle Gabby:
Drinky Crow, I bet you want to worship Fritz too now.

Drinky Crow:
Nah.

Uncle Gabby:
C'mon. You can.

Drinky Crow:
No really, I'm fine.

Uncle Gabby:
Give me one reason why not.

Drinky Crow:
I don't want to criticize your religion, Gabby.

Uncle Gabby:
You don't want to 'cause you can't!

Drinky Crow:
No, I don't want to.

Uncle Gabby:
You know Fritz is God but you're too stubborn to admit it!

Drinky Crow:
That's not it.

Uncle Gabby:
Somebody's defensive!

Drinky Crow:
Fine. First I'm not into girls who don't bathe so your whole religion is kinda not happening for me. But even if I liked that stuff he's not a God. He's just a very large monkey you bought off the internet.

Uncle Gabby:
The back of my soap opera magazine and stop bagging on my faith!

Drinky Crow:
I'm sorry! The point is he doesn't have any special god powers or anything.

Uncle Gabby:
OH REALLY?! SHOW THIS DISGUSTING GODLESS PATHETIC STUPID ATHEIST HEATHEN, FRITZ!

[Fritz does amazing cup stacking tricks]

Uncle Gabby:
[smug laugh] Not so quick with a snappy godless reply are you now, Crow?

Drinky Crow:
[not amused]

[after Uncle Gabby got stabbed in eye for peeking Captain's Daughter]

Captain's Daughter:
You know Gabby, when I think of how you were down there peeking at me I get kind of turned on!

Uncle Gabby:
That's great! Wanna do it?

Captain's Daughter:
Not with that gross eye. I'm gonna get an appointment with one of those molesting dentists!

[cuts to the next scene in the dentist room]

Molesting Dentist:
[on phone] Molesting Dentist.

Captain's Daughter:
Hi, do you take insurance?

Molesting Dentist:
No, I do not.

Uncle Gabby:
I've still got the guilt. Even though monkey god absolved me. And I might have an eye infection. Does this look okay?

[Drinky sees white maggots playing volleyball inside his eyehole]

Drinky Crow:
It's fine.

Drinky Crow:
He's just a guy, Gabby. He doesn't have the power to protect us from our entirely justified self-loathing.

Captain Maak:
BEHOLD! THE WELL OF THE GODS! A source of such great power that I have taken the precaution of tying myself up so I will not be tempted to misuse it.

[Drinky Crow, Uncle Gabby, and Fritz went ahead to go to the Well of the Gods]

Captain Maak:
Come back! You must stay here and prevent my escape!

[Uncle Gabby sees rules sign of how to become a god]

Uncle Gabby:
I had an ice-cream maker that worked kind of like this.

[after UG pushed Fritz into the volcano, Fritz finally become a God]

Fritz God:
Look at me, Gabby! I turned into a real God! Like you always wanted! I even created the universe!

Drinky Crow:
How? You just walked out of that volcano.

Fritz God:
Like this. [warps reality outside the system] Monkey God stands outside of responsible for the explanatory nexus. Because he is outside of time, he is able to create all of our linear time stream from the big bang to cosmic dissolution in a single act of super monkey will.

[Fritz God took Uncle Gabby to another universe for a fun surprise]

Fritz God:
Welcome to Dirtgirladonia! Look at those dirty girls!

[shows a bunch of Captain's Daughter people]

Uncle Gabby:
Nice.

[50 billion years later, and UG was not feeling it already]

Fritz God:
What? You don't like my universe?

Uncle Gabby:
Sorry.

[cuts to the next scene in real time]

Uncle Gabby:
I had to stay for 80 billion years!

Drinky Crow:
You were just gone for five minutes.

Uncle Gabby:
He took me outside of the space-time continuum.

Drinky Crow:
Oh. Right.

Uncle Gabby:
I felt bad cause I was worried I'd hurt his feelings and I felt bad about those 50 billion girls created with gingivitis for my pleasure!

Booze God:
I am Booze God! Who will make me drunk? [sobbing]

[shows the next scene where Tony ends up in a hospital]

Captain's Daughter:
Can he hear me?

Doctor:
It's hard to say. His brain experienced extensive trauma in the crash. Your husband may be dead, dead, dead, or he could be experiencing a rich fantasy life of sailing ships and monkeys.

Captain's Daughter:
So there's no way to tell?

Doctor:
There is a test, the chromium brainological assay, but it's quite expensive. What line of work was your husband in?

Captain's Daughter:
He's a cartoonist.

Doctor:
I see. The plug's over there.

Uncle Gabby:
[drunk] Screw it, Crow. Even when I had a God to forgive me, I still felt bad.

Drinky Crow:
[drunk] Gabby, you still feel guilty because your God has no moral authority. Look at him.

[sees Fritz God looking at Captain's Daughter God flossing her teeth]

Drinky Crow:
You need a God with a clear sense of right and wrong.

Uncle Gabby:
You're right. Monkey God! Stop being just a big version of me! From now on I want honest feedback on how I'm doing!

Drinky Crow:
YEAH!

[Drinky Crow and Uncle Gabby then became slaves and getting hit by hot steaming rocks]

Drinky Crow God:
SINNERS! FILTHY DEGENERATES!

Fritz God:
We judge you and find you ABOMINATIONS IN OUR SIGHT!

Uncle Gabby:
[to Drinky Crow] You know something? You really are an idiot.

Drinky Crow:
I know, I know.

Uncle Gabby:
I decided the worst thing about Captain's Daughter is how boring she is.

Drinky Crow:
Really?

Uncle Gabby:
What makes her boredom so specially awful is the way she talks with the intonation of someone saying something really interesting, which forces you to listen, so every moment is excruciating torture. That's the biggest reason I hate her.

Drinky Crow:
Then why are you marrying her?

Uncle Gabby:
She'll be legally required to have sex with me. If she doesn't, she can go to jail. Or get the electric chair. [happily sighs] Then I'd be free.

Claire:
Hey, Drinky.

Drinky Crow:
Hey, Claire. How long have you been in town?

Claire:
I just moved in two weeks ago. You should come over and visit.

Drinky Crow:
[blushed] I-I-I'M not at that stage of my life anymore! My life is different. I have uh...I can't be with you.

Claire:
I didn't say "come over and screw". I said "come over and visit".

Drinky Crow:
Oh. Right.

Drinky Crow:
It was awful, Uncle Gabby! Even though she promised me were just friends, she made me have sex with her on a swing and then on a fire escape!

Uncle Gabby:
[talks about Claire] Crow, she's offering a reliable supply of sex at a very attractive price in terms of entanglement or intimacy.

Drinky Crow:
But I don't know what her interests are, other than having sex with me! I need to solve this mystery of who she is!

Uncle Gabby:
Solve the mystery? That's stupid.

Captain's Daughter:
Gabby! Let's talk napkins!

Uncle Gabby:
[changes his mind] I'd love to, but I've gotta help Drinky Crow solve a mystery.

Drinky Crow:
Claire grew up not too far from here. When she and I dated she used to take me out into this desert for sweat bee sex.

[while Drinky Crow and Claire were fighting, Uncle gabby gets a phone call]

Uncle Gabby:
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Well, couldn't my senile aunt sit by your retarded cousin? No? Okay then we spring for the special collar. No problem. [gets his face blown off] Thank god!

Drinky Crow:
Why did those, uh, pirates attack us, Claire?

Claire:
Those guys? They're not pirates. They're amnesty international. They take a really hard line against slavery. They're like slavery nazis.

Drinky Crow:
You do slavery? No way. Isn't that illegal?

Claire:
Technically, yeah, but there's a work around. Um, the stafford loan documents say of you fall behind by two payments you give up the protection of law until you work to pay off your debt. [to a slave] ISN'T THAT RIGHT, SCUM? [whips]

Drinky Crow:
So once you catch them all, you sell them for profit?

Claire's Dad Accountant:
Profit? Hah!

Drinky Crow:
[to Claire] Why do you do it?

Claire's Dad Accountant:
Cause I've got a hole in my head, that's why!

Flippy:
Would you say you're more of a "cutting sugar cane in the hot sun" person, or a "having sex with a fat rich guy" person.

Slave #1:
Cane, no question. Wait, no, the sex one. Definitely the sex one.

[as Slave #1 chooses the Sex Slaves section, he then gets turned into a sex slave transporting him to another place to work at, but ironically the cart got bumped when he ride the Slave Slaves cart]

Security Slave Slaves Woman:
These slaves are awful.

Uncle Gabby:
This one's sad. You engaged too?

Depressed Slave:
I didn't want my life to be like this.

Claire:
[to Drinky Crow] I have a deal with a buyer who's very interested in the traces strong emotions leave in cerebrospinal fluid.

Claire's Dad Accountant:
Hah! Ask Claire how much she's made off this terriffic deal!

Claire:
[to her Dad] We're just waiting for the paperwork.

Claire's Dad Accountant:
Like I'm waiting for a date with Merle Oberon.

Drinky Crow:
Claire, uh...we need to talk.

[cuts to the next scene where Drinky and Claire gets their butts slapped with a butt-slapping machine]

Claire:
What did you want to talk about?

Drinky Crow:
First of all, this is really nice. And dirty.

Claire:
It better be. I paid like $400 for it.

Drinky Crow:
[to Claire] I have to share everything about you. Even the unsexy stuff like your credit card debt, persistent untreatable neck and shoulder pain. I need all of you -- Or nothing!

Drinky Crow:
So I broke up with Claire.

Uncle Gabby:
[chokes Drinky] YOU THREW AWAY THE BEST THING THERE IS! [stops choking him] Well, your life your call I guess.

Phoebe:
I'm glad you came, Drinky Crow. You know, Sam works such long hours, and then he takes his work home with him. I guess what I'm trying to say is, do you want to come over some night?

Drinky Crow:
Did you say something? I wasn't paying attention.

Captain's Daughter:
Uncle Gabby! You almost let me die!

Uncle Gabby:
Sorry.

Captain's Daughter:
Anyway I need you decide. Should there be a special option for vegetarians, or should we just expect them to eat the vegetarian side dishes?

Uncle Gabby:
I don't care.

Captain's Daughter:
Excuse me?

Uncle Gabby:
I have no opinion on this at all. I cannot muster even the slightest degree of interest about this issue.

Captain's Daughter:
Well, maybe you're not interested in getting married then!

Uncle Gabby:
I never said I was interested in getting married. I said I would get married! There's a big difference.

[Captain's Daughter brutally beats up Uncle Gabby for that issue]

Captain's Daughter:
AND WE'RE STILL GETTING MARRIED! [leaves]

Drinky Crow:
[crying] That's beautiful!

[Drinky Crow take the emotion liquid bottles away from Claire and smashing them]

Claire:
What are you doing?

Drinky Crow:
I'm saving you from yourself. When you pushed me away it was a plea for me to come closer.

Claire:
No it wasn't.

Drinky Crow:
[confused] It wasn't?

[the aliens come by and see the liquid was destroyed]

Alien #2:
Oh no, no, no. This isn't good. We promised the hive queen eight pints of human emotion.

Alien #1:
Glory to the hive queen.

Alien #2:
Glory to the hive queen.

Alien #1:
Earth is miles away.

Alien #2:
Let's just destroy the earth and we'll tell her we got there too late.

[Drinky Crow shoots the alien that was smuggling her wife Claire]

Claire:
[crying] I FEEL SO ASHMED!

Drinky Crow:
I FEEL HOMICIDAL JEALOUSY!

[Drinky Crow and Claire suddenly got old after 50 years]

Drinky Crow:
So, Claire. 50 years.

Claire:
I've seen my granddaughters grow up and marry alcoholic birds of their own.

Both:
Contented.

Claire:
Drinky Crow, I thought that if I opened up, I would be hurt. Our life together here has been so much more than I ever dreamed possible. I love you.

Drinky Crow:
Eh. I'm not really feeling it.

Claire:
What?

Alien #2:
What?

Alien #1:
[to Alien #2] This was your idea.

Drinky Crow:
I don't know. Maybe it was better when I didn't know you so well. Your face -- It's just kinda...sorry.

Orkney's Son:
Orkney Islander Shaman?

Orkney Islander Shaman:
Yes, my son?

Orkney's Son:
I am sad that everybody doesn't worship our crazy Mud God.

Orkney Islander Shaman:
What makes you think that?

Orkney's Son:
Look. [pulls up a celeb magazine] These people all have fun and talk about whether beautiful women are gaining or losing weight. There's not a single mention of Mud God.

Orkney Islander Shaman:
There is a prophecy. When it comes to pass that we learn of a city where all have fun and wear few clothes and know not Mud God, we are to journey there and destroy it with smallpox.

Uncle Gabby:
Drinky Crow! What are you doing?

Drinky Crow:
I'm trying to get a car to hit me.

Uncle Gabby:
Great idea! That is a perfect way to meet girls!

Drinky Crow:
I wasn't trying to meet girls, Uncle Gabby. I was trying to meet Death.

Uncle Gabby:
That's crazy. Death's got no b*obs.

[Uncle Gabby starts to touch Kathy's breasts with his face after getting injured from Kathy's Car they just ran over]

Uncle Gabby:
Funny. The only thing that seems to stop the blood from flowing is firm, direct breast contact.

Kathy:
Shouldn't we just call a doctor?

Uncle Gabby:
And risk her having small breasts? Besides, why ruin the moment?

Laura:
Kathy's Dad has a place out on the island and he's really loaded. So I hope you guys don't sue or anything.

Drinky Crow:
No, no, no. I'm hoping to kill myself, so I don't need money really.

Laura:
You're really intense!

Drinky Crow:
Nah. I'm just an alcoholic. I usually drink till I vomit.

Uncle Gabby:
Now that you're covered with my blood, you want to come back to my place and take a shower?

Kathy:
I don't think so.

Uncle Gabby:
Okay. I just thought that when I filled out the insurance forms you'd like us to be on a more friendly basis. But okay. No problem. GOD, MY SOFT TISSUE HURTS!

Kathy:
Fine.

Drinky Crow:
These girls are weird, Gabby.

Uncle Gabby:
Tell me about it. It's taking quite a while to progress our relationship beyond driver-victim.

Drinky Crow:
She tried to have sex with me! She rubbed labia majora on my wing!

Uncle Gabby:
[to Kathy] We're going to laugh and laugh when we remember that our relationship began with you puncturing so many of my internal organs. And me deciding not to sure. Probably.

Uncle Gabby:
You know it hurts a little less if you kiss it a little.

Kathy:
Look, Mr. Gabby, you seem really nice. But the fact is, well--

Laura:
Kathy's getting married this weekend. We were just in town for a final cheap thrill before she ties the knot.

Uncle Gabby:
I can be that thrill!

Kathy:
The thing is, Gabby, my parents, my boyfriend--

Laura:
Fiance, Kathy!

Kathy:
WHATEVER! They all think I'm like, "Made of China" or something. Before I get married I want to do something shocking.

Uncle Gabby:
I would love to help you achieve that goal.

Kathy:
Good. But tonight, nothing. I want to do it in the nastiest place possible -- At my parents house with all the wedding guests in the house.

Uncle Gabby:
Great!

Kathy:
And until then you're gonna not touch me, and not bother me, or try to talk to me, or bleed on me. Or sue me.

Uncle Gabby:
Deal!

Orkney's Son:
Ugh! Those two flirty women are in a houseboat with a crow and monkey! They're having fun! Nobody is worshiping Mud God!

Orkney Islander Shaman:
Let me see. [grabs the telescope] Well, a little smallpox will put and end to that party! You have the fan?

Orkney's Son:
Yes. And the pox. For Mud God!

[as Orkney's Son was about to drop the smallpox onto the fan]

Orkney Islander Shaman:
Hold on. I need to look at the perverted decadence a little bit more.

[as Drinky Crow starts to have a nightmare, he wakes up and sees a lot of girls in his deck]

Drinky Crow:
WHO ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE?!

Laura:
Friends! I could tell you were really wild, so I wanted to do something really crazy for you.

[Laura and her friends seduce Drinky Crow]

Drinky Crow:
Hey! Hey! Cut it out! I told you about Phoebe! What are you doing?

Laura:
Well, can we at least stay and sleep on you naked?

Drinky Crow:
Well...that seems innocent enough. But no sex.

Drinky Crow:
Those girls behaved outrageously, Uncle Gabby!

Uncle Gabby:
What?

Drinyk Crow:
Laura took a lot of girls into my bed last night to try and seduce me, even though I told her about Phoebe! And then, when I told her I wouldn't have sex, they had sex with each other! ON ME!

Uncle Gabby:
Crow, you are not impressing me with this.

Drinky Crow:
I'm not trying to!

Drinky Crow:
Who are you?

Cindy:
We're the Women's Gymnastics Team at the park where you drink sometimes. We like you.

Drinky Crow:
Look, first of all, I have a girlfriend.

Cindy:
You do? Where is she?

Drinky Crow:
She's with another guy.

Cindy:
Come on.

Drinky Crow:
Yeah, look. I'm this disgusting alcoholic. So the only thing I have to offer her is that I'm not screwing other girls. If I don't have that, I have nothing. So I can't be with all of you.

Cindy:
You think we're not attractive?

Drinky Crow:
No, you girls look great and if I was going to go with a squad of girls it would be you.

Cindy:
You probably say that to all the collections of girls.

Drinky Crow:
Look, I can't talk right now. This weird girl took my friend Gabby to Long Island in a crate, and I think I might have to go there and save him.

Cindy:
Well, I don't think your girlfriend would mind if you went to Long Island in a ...

[the Women's Gymnastics Team transformed into a car]

Cindy:
FABULOUS GIRL CAR!

Drinky Crow:
Okay, but everyone has to wear underpants.

Cindy and the Girls:
[groans]

Orkney's Son:
Orkney Islander Shaman, what are you waiting for? Let's destroy this town of perverts and go home.

Orkney Islander Shaman:
I don't know if we should destroy it. I just saw a bunch of girls make a racecar. Maybe it's okay if these people have their own way of doing things. They're having fun!

Orkney's Son:
TRAITOR TO THE MUD GOD!

[Kathy opens the crate to let Uncle Gabby in her room]

Uncle Gabby:
Would it have killed you to have put a carrot in the crate or something?

Kathy:
If only my parents knew what I was about to do. Little Kathy purebred is capable of a lot more than they know!

Uncle Gabby:
Should I get on the bed?

Kathy:
No, let's get into the bathroom. It might get messy.

Uncle Gabby:
Now we're cookin' with gas! [gets in the tub]

Kathy:
It's time for me to stop being so pure.

Uncle Gabby:
You're too pure. Agreed.

Kathy:
It's time for me to break some rules!

Uncle Gabby:
Rules are made to be broken!

Kathy:
The little ones like "always send a thank you note". And the big ones like "Thou shall not murder".

Uncle Gabby:
Heh heh. Say what?

Kathy:
[pulls up a long saw] The law against murdering humans was clear. [cuts his limbs while she talks] But what was the closest Kathy could get to experiencing the thrill of taking life without breaking the law? KILLING AND EATING A TALKING MONKEY!

Uncle Gabby:
That's not turning me on at all!

[Kathy touches his brain and ate a piece of it]

Uncle Gabby:
Okay, that was a little sexy.

[meanwhile Drinky Crow saves Uncle Gabby while being on a fabulous girl car made out of gymnastic women]

Cindy:
We like it when you ride us, Drinky Crow.

Drinky Crow:
You're not supposed to be enjoying this! This is purely transportation!

Cindy:
I like it when you talk mean.

Drinky Crow:
STOP LIKING THINGS!

[while Orkney's Son tries to finish the mission from his Dad changing his mind about not killing Mud God]

Orkney Islander Shaman:
Maybe there is no Mud God! Maybe we just believe in him so we'll have a reason to think it's okay that we live in a crappy ice field!

[when Kathy's boyfriend finds a monkey in the tub]

Uncle Gabby:
[crying] I thought I was gonna have sex!

Marcus:
I want to make an announcement. My very special lady who I'm giving my heart to made me worry this morning. I thought I saw her doing something with another guy. But my fears were unfounded. She was only killing a talking monkey.

[while Phoebe Bird have dinner with Sam Walrus]

Phoebe:
I'm afraid Drinky Crow is never going to be ready to move on to a new relationship. I feel so sorry for him.

[Phoebe then sees a fabulous girl airplane with Drinky piloting on it]

Phoebe:
[to Sam] Was that, Drinky Crow?

Captain's Daughter:
Hey! How come you're not giving us expensive gems?

Uncle Gabby:
How come you don't look like that?! [points to the billboard with the sexy lady on it]

Drinky Crow:
[on phone] Hello Suicide Hotline? My girlfriend left me and I want to kill myself.

Drinky Crow:
[on phone] Hi. My name is Drinky Crow and I want to commit suicide.

Elephant Man:
Folks call me the Elephant Man because of my huge fibroid growths. If I don't want to commit suicide why should you?

Drinky Crow:
Wait a second -- Are you trying to talk me out of suicide?

Elephant Man:
Yes. I am. This is a Suicide Hotline.

Drinky Crow:
When I call a hot, foot-fetishist chat line I don't expect to be talked out of my foot fetish!

Elephant Man:
Sorry. Why do you want to kill yourself?

[Drinky sees an oyster coming to burn Drinky and Gabby]

Drinky Crow:
Well, right now it looks like if I don't I'll be burned to death.

Elephant Man:
Hmm. That is a good reason. Do you have a gun?

Drinky Crow:
[while point the gun into his mouth] Uh-huh.

[Drinky shoots himself while the bullet also shoots the oyster that was trying to kill Gabby]

Drinky Crow:
I hope it's okay I invited a friend. He's really fun.

[Elephant Man arrives]

Uncle Gabby:
Hey! What'll it be?

Elephant Man:
I don't drink.

Uncle Gabby:
[whispered to Drinky] I thought you said this guy was fun.

Elephant Man:
So Uncle Gabby, how are you planning to kill yourself?

Uncle Gabby:
I'm not gonna kill myself!

Elephant Man:
[whispered to Drinky] I thought you said this guy was fun.

Elephant Man:
So Drinky Crow, I'm really stoked about this suicide thing. But what if I get scared and back out?

Drinky Crow:
Let's sign a suicide pact. Then we can shop for matching guns!

Uncle Gabby:
Hey Crow. It's Sunday. If we convert to Catholicism in the next half hour we can go to mass and get bombed on communion wine!

Drinky Crow:
I'd love to, but me and Elephant Man are seeing an attorney to draw up do-not-resuscitate orders.

Uncle Gabby:
Hey, Elephant Man. I'm your new best friend.

Elephant Man:
You want to be my friend too?

Uncle Gabby:
You bet those hideous [indistinct] I do. Let's go party!

Elephant Man:
I can't. I promised Drinky Crow we'd do suicide stuff.

Uncle Gabby:
Before you kill yourself you've gotta have fun. Just like before you leave a buffet you have to open your pants, stuff yourself, and ruin what remains!

Elephant Man:
You do?

Uncle Gabby:
Yes. And I'm funner than Drinky Crow and better than Drinky Crow and what's more I'm not a backstabbing little disloyal weasel like Drinky Crow. Heh heh. Alright, whaddaya say? Let's go find girls.

Elephant Man:
Girls? Really? I'll just tell my Mom. Mom! I'm going out to meet girls! WITH A BABOON!

[when Drinky Crow and Elephant Man were about to commit suicide]

Drinky Crow:
Gabby! What are you doing here?

Uncle Gabby:
I came to take Elephant Man to the senior prom. You're not the only one of us with stuff to do other than hang out with the other one. With the Elephant Man!

Drinky Crow:
He can't hang out with you! He's going to commit suicide with me!

Uncle Gabby:
Oh yeah? Tell him, Elephant Man.

Elephant Man:
Uh...

Drinky Crow:
Elephant Man?

Elephant Man:
Yeah...I might be going to the prom with Gabby.

Drinky Crow:
But you have to be ALIVE to do that!

Elephant Man:
He says if I don't get lucky with the girls he'll let me go with his sister. We're both virgins.

Drinky Crow:
Gabby's sister isn't a virgin. I've had sex with her for a coconut and a little piece of sparkly string! Everybody has!

Drinky Crow:
It's funny. Sometimes I think I shouldn't always get drunk whenever I feel like it. That I should make a plan and follow through on it. Crazy, right?

Asian Market Guy:
No.

Drinky Crow:
What?

Asian Market Guy:
Crow's comment no crazy. Cliched perhaps but still accurate.

Drinky Crow:
Whenever I said stuff like that before Uncle Gabby would say I was nuts.

Asian Market Guy:
That 'cause he selfish. Also stupid.

Elephant Man:
Are you sick of me yet? Like Drinky Crow said you would be?

Uncle Gabby:
No.

Elephant Man:
How bout now?

Uncle Gabby:
No.

Elephant Man:
How bout now?

Uncle Gabby:
Look, I gotta go Elephant Man. And I'm not gonna see you ever again either. And I'm gonna need my sack back.

[UG takes the sack from Elephant Man's head revealing the people at a bar]

Saffron:
Dear god, does someone pay you to hangout with this monster?

Uncle Gabby:
Nah.

Saffron:
Don't tell me you're friends with it! What an amazing and compassionate person!

Woman:
You're not hogging him for yourself, Saffron!

Uncle Gabby:
I'm telling you, Elephant Man can't have surgery. He's changed his mind.

Nurse:
I can't help you. The surgeon has already washed his hands.

[Uncle Gabby rushed in the operation room and sees Drinky Crow as the surgeon]

Uncle Gabby:
Oh. Drinky Crow. Hey.

Drinky Crow:
Hey.

Uncle Gabby:
What are you doing here?

Drinky Crow:
I'm a surgeon.

Uncle Gabby:
Oh. Good for you. That's, uh, really nice. How'd you swing that?

Drinky Crow:
Well once I stopped, you know, drinking with you, and aimlessly wandering around with you, and living with you, I had a lot of free time. I returned to medical school and now I'm the greatest plastic surgeon in the world. What's up with you?

Uncle Gabby:
I got a dog.

Drinky Crow:
Good for you! You always wanted to get one. What's the little guy's name?

Uncle Gabby:
I don't know. I kept it in a locker at the port authority and forgot the combination and the damn thing starved to death. But we had fun.

Drinky Crow:
That's nice.

Uncle Gabby:
Hey, Crow, you're a fancy doctor and I'm still just a drunk ape, but could you, uh, do something for me? For old time's sake? Throw the surgery, okay? It really help me with girls if Elephant Man remained deformed.

Drinky Crow:
Yeah. No thanks. Somehow it just wouldn't feel right.

Uncle Gabby:
YOU'VE BECOME INSUFFERABLE!

Surgeon Doctor:
[to Drinky Crow] Don't screw this one up. It's gonna be on the surgery challenge. That's on NBC, the largest network after Univision.

Announcer:
Disgusting! The Elephant Man has sprouted chimeric tissue! More specifically, collie and walrus heads!

Surgeon Doctor:
Remember, blow this and our clinic will be sent back to performing necessary surgeries. For poor people.

[Drinky Crow notices something on Elephant Man's organs]

Drinky Crow:
The growths have a single tap root! [gasps] And someone's nailed it to his heart! [gasps] And there's a finger print on the nail!

Announcer:
Elephant Mom!

Elephant Mom:
That's right! I'm confessing. I didn't want to ever lose him to a bunch of sluts, so one day after conception I grafted him onto a potato that I happened to have in there.

Lieutenant Vronchy:
I don't know what to do, fellas. I made dates with two different girls...on the same night!

Captain's Daughter:
Gee, I sure wish I could help out, but I'm too busy getting for tonight's big talent show! [while playing in a hula hoop]

[as Uncle Gabby was about to touch Captain's Daughter]

Drinky Crow:
Watch out, Gabby! The Captain is coming, and he won't let you anywhere near his daughter unless he thinks your gay!

Drinky Crow:
Sometimes I think I should have stayed at sea, and kept looking for her. But instead I try to make my life seem less depressing by pretending it's a network sitcom.

Drinky Crow:
What's the richest, most naive sheep-like, and booze hungry group of people on the planet?

Uncle Gabby:
Americans?

Drinky Crow:
American college kids! And there's thousands of them just up the hill.

Uncle Gabby:
Hmm. Sexually permissive, barely legal ladies with poor decision-making skills and little to no real world experience...you really think we should bring them to this bar? [realizes] Waaaait, we should!

Drinky Crow:
College is kind of lame. It's like a summer camp for boring, spoiled, emotionally stunted idiots.

[sees Uncle Gabby gone]

Uncle Gabby:
[to Drinky] Over here! I'm pledging theta house to impress chicks!

College Girl Student:
Hey cutie! Where'd you get that booze? And those cool sutures!

Drinky Crow:
Are you girls over 21?

College Girl Student:
No.

Drinky Crow:
Perfect! Go get your friends, and follow me!

Uncle Gabby:
You ladies interested in a B-M-O-C with C-H-L-A-M-Y-D-I-A?

College Girl Student:
[surprised confusion]

Fenton:
Scotch and soda, neat. I don't trust the ice in this place.

[as Drinky Crow shoots himself, he turned out to be a robot]

College Girl Student #3:
Oh look, how cute! He's a robot.

Fenton:
This place is like Charlie Cheese, only less creepy.

[after Fake Drinky Crow realizes he's a robot]

Robot Drinky Crow:
We're not real. I'm not even me! It's very upsetting.

Robot Uncle Gabby:
Oh, get a hold of yourself. Look, in the old days people could afford to be them, but nowadays everybody is some other guy. And often as not that other guy is somebody different too.

Robot Uncle Gabby:
If you need me I'll be in the kitchen testing out my robot Truman on some hitherto virginal sacks of lard.

Robot Drinky Crow:
I'm casting my lot to the seven seas to find my true self!

College Girl Student #1:
That is so sexy. Are you going on a real sea adventure?

Robot Drinky Crow:
Yeah.

College Girl Student #1:
Doomed quests turn me on. Doomed quests and guys who smell like my Dad.

Robot Uncle Gabby:
That's us! Should we degrade each other now or when I get back?

[after the two college girl students smelled the stinky stench of UG's mouth]

College Girl Student #1:
Uh, how about when you get back.

[after Real Drinky Crow finishes off Lieutenant Vronchy]

Drinky Crow:
WHERE IS SHE?!?

Lieutenant Vronchy:
Oh, please! The mermaid, she no exist! They are fantasies, hatched in the minds of drunk, frustrated sailors who look at sea cows.

[cuts to the next scene where a sailor is in love with Sam Walrus]

Drinky Crow:
How dare you call her FAT!?

Robot Drinky Crow:
Drinky Crow, I've been made in your image, but I'm made of weak, robot flesh. Teach me about my true self.

Drinky Crow:
I'm not in the mood. I'm in love with a mermaid, and she might not even exist.

Robot Drinky Crow:
She does exist! And I know where she is! She's being forced to be a decoration in front of the lady's room!

Drinky Crow:
Like Wicky Wackee?

Robot Drinky Crow:
Kinda.

Drinky Crow:
GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I CHOP YOU ALL INTO BOUILLON AND FEED YOUR REMAINS TO --

[sees the mermaid hanging with a college student]

Drinky Crow:
[gasps] Stay in school. Winners don't do drugs.

Fenton:
I don't know, life insurance? Is that really a good idea?

Mermaid:
Come on, don't you want to be together forever?

Fenton:
So if I die, you get, like, all my money?

Mermaid:
Yeah, but that won't happen.

[while Drinky Crow and Uncle Gabby get their butt whip punishment for not staying guard from the french spies]

Drinky Crow:
It could be worse.

Uncle Gabby:
How?

Drinky Crow:
I could be sober.

Captain's Daughter:
Hi! Can I make jokes with you?

Drinky Crow:
I doubt it, Captain's Daughter. We're both miserable alcoholics so we have more need to be funny than you.

Uncle Gabby:
And hence more ability.

Captain's Daughter:
I can make a joke. Listen. [sees Drinky's back bleeding blood] It looks like you have some trouble holing your liquor!

Drinky Crow & Uncle Gabby:
...

Captain's Daughter:
"Holding" (holing).

[Drinky Crow and Uncle Gabby shoot themselves]

Captain's Daughter:
You just don't like my jokes because I'm a girl!

Uncle Gabby:
Not true. Deboursay is funny and she's a girl. Deboursay!

[Mademoiselle Deboursay reveals herself while getting out of sailor disguise]

Mademoiselle Deboursay:
Nice machine, mon chers! Maybe I should get one for my bedroom!

Captain's Daughter:
[to Drinky and Gabby] You're just laughing because she's an attractive woman who talks frankly about sex!

Mademoiselle Deboursay:
I have a vagina.

Captain's Daughter:
And she's a spy! I'm telling!

[Captain's Daughter heads to his Father]

Captain's Daughter:
Daddy! There's a french spy on board! And instead of catching her, Drinky Crow and Gabby are flirting and laughing at her jokes!

Captain Maak:
Thank you. I'll have her clapped in irons immediately.

Captain's Daughter:
And they said I'm not funny.

Captain Maak:
In that they are quite correct.

Captain Maak:
Guard the spy well. Transcribe anything she may say using two sheets of carbon paper.

[Mademoiselle Deboursay and Uncle Gabby make sex noises while Drinky Crow is typing what they mean]

Drinky Crow:
Is that spelled "U-h" or "U-n-h"?

Captain's Daughter:
I visualize myself. I am strong! I am loved! I am funny! How come guys never want to commit, but women are always like, "I want to commit"? How different!

Mop Sailor:
Is she trying to be funny?

Drinky Crow:
I think so.

[Mop Sailor and Drinky Crow shoot themselves]

Captain's Daughter:
Oh, this new age crap is total crap!

[Captain's Daughter summoned a vampire from sea to help Captain's Daughter to be funny]

Mort Cooper:
Oy, why have you summoned me from realms of unceasing shadow irritating non-stop drizzling?

Captain's Daughter:
Mort Cooper! I love your act! I want you to help me to become funny.

Mort Cooper:
I'm a vampire. What's in it for me? Please remember the part from earlier about my being a vampire.

[Captain's Daughter slices one of her skin of blood for Mort Cooper to taste it]

Mort Cooper:
Deal! Can you hide my coffin? If anyone finds it...oy. Always with the staking! And then maybe a nice scab danish.

[Mort Cooper bits Captain's Daughter's leg]

Captain's Daughter:
You said you'd hear my material!

Mort Cooper:
I can listen and drink.

Captain's Daughter:
[serious moment]

Mort Cooper:
Fine. Go.

Captain's Daughter:
Remember the blue jeans we all had as kids? They were so '80's! It's like, what if you wore those now? People would be like, "What is this? The '80's"?

[Mort Cooper shoots himself]

Mort Cooper:
Times like this I wish I wasn't immortal.

Captain's Daughter:
What's wrong with it?

Mort Cooper:
Other than the material and the delivery and everything else, nothing.

Captain's Daughter:
Well, help me! What should I do?

Mort Cooper:
First of all, talk about things people care about! You've looked in the face of horror and it's you!

Drinky Crow:
Captain! I think Deboursay's behind the rats! Her room was swarming with them!

Captain Maak:
Shame. All my interrogation techniques were predicated on her being horrified by rats.

Captain Maak:
For the crime of spying, spreading plague, and making me torture you and then feel guilty about it, I hereby sentence you to death.

Mademoiselle Deboursay:
Go and execute me! You cowards! [takes off her dress torso revealing that she's pregnant]

Captain Maak:
Mademoiselle -- You're pregnant? [to the sailors] Bring her a reclining chair and a glass of water! In her condition she must be out of the heat!

Captain Maak:
[to Deboursay] Who is the father, you poor thing?

Mademoiselle Deboursay:
Gabby's the father! He seduced me with flowery talk and when he found out the baby was his, ran off!

Captain Maak:
Despicable. After the baby is born, we'll find him and execute you as a couple.

Drinky Crow:
Madem, I see the rats are still holing up in here...

Mademoiselle Deboursay:
Yes. I'd kill them myself if I weren't so pregnant.

Drinky Crow:
How is your pregnancy? It hasn't made you irrational...

Mademoiselle Deboursay:
Au contraire, I've been quite irrational. I'm afraid I'm fat -- Give me cake! Let's finance a housing bubble by borrowing from the chinese! My ears are marmosets!

Drinky Crow:
Show me your nipples! Let's see if they're changed at all in color or consistency!

Mademoiselle Deboursay:
I will not! Because I find the suggestion highly offensive!

[Drinky Crow uses a pregnant detector to see if Mademoiselle Deboursay had rats inside her stomach, but until it's revealed that Gabby is in there]

Drinky Crow:
Gabby!? You said you'd break up! How is this that?

Uncle Gabby:
She let me have sex with her! From the inside! Plus, all the placenta I can eat!

Drinky Crow:
That's unpatriotic! What are those?

Uncle Gabby:
Just some centrifuges and steel girders she wanted. Since when did you become Young Master Prude?

Captain's Daughter:
Drinky Crow! I've changed my stand-up. I have a new personality!

Drinky Crow:
I'm a little busy. [looks at a book] Sugar plus lard. Donut. Chicken plus lard. Fried chicken. Centrifuge plus steel girders. Nuclear atomic battleship?!

Captain's Daughter:
C'mon! You haven't heard my best chunk! Listen. [clears throat] Dating's tough when you're half alive, half dead. Alive girls say, "I can do better than a corpse"! Dead girls are great but then they decompose! [pbbbht] That's the gasses of decomposition escaping.

Drinky Crow:
Eh, seems a little familiar.

[Captain's Daughter smacks him with a book that Drinky Crow was reading]

[Uncle Gabby sees a hundred of crocodiles in Madem's uterus]

Uncle Gabby:
Hey! What are you guys doing in my uterus?

Crocodile Pirate:
No, she is our uterus! Get out!

Mademoiselle Deboursay:
When the emperor died on Saint Helena I impregnated myself with his germinal material in order to build an army of emperor clones!

Uncle Gabby:
Women.

Captain Maak:
Good lord! Deboursay isn't just building a nuclear atomic battleship. She is a nuclear atomic battleship!

Captain's Daughter:
Mort! The material you gave me totally bombed! Plus I think a lot of it was ripped off!

Drinky Crow:
Captain's Daughter? You know this vampiric comedian?

Captain's Daughter:
I wanted him to teach me how to be funny, but I didn't want you to think I couldn't come up with my own material, so I hid his coffin in Gabby's rectum!

Drinky Crow:
Of course! That's why I suspected Deboursay! The rats were coming from Gabby's anus inside Gabby inside Deboursay's uterus!

Mort Cooper:
It's like a turducken. It's just not as gross.

[Drinky Crow get inside of Gabby's anal and sees Mort Cooper's vampire party]

Drinky Crow:
He's built a hellish anal catskills!

Mort Cooper:
I'm thirsty up here, could someone bring me a bloody mary? Or a bloody susan, or a bloody rachel...but seriously, ever notice how you crave nothing more than to be innocent again? Then the sight of innocence makes you want to destroy it, because it could never be yours.

[after Drinky Crow was about to stake Mort Cooper the Vampire, Captain's Daughter trips Drinky from stabbing him]

Captain's Daughter:
Mort! I saved you! Now give me your good material!

Mort Cooper:
I gave you my good material! The eternal suffering stuff just killed up there. I mean, it would have if the audience weren't dead already.

Captain's Daughter:
But what should I do?

Mort Cooper:
A silent act. Preferably behind a curtain.

Captain's Daughter:
You're just saying that because I'm a girl!

Mort Cooper:
Where to begin! You're a girl, you're alive, you're a gentile. You just don't have much going for you.

[Captain's Daughter then deicides to kill Mort Cooper]

Mort Cooper:
See you in hell! I mean it. I'll be opening for Jerry Lewis.

Drinky Crow:
Way to go Captain's Daughter.

Uncle Gabby:
We save the ship from French and vampires and you betray us.

Captain's Daughter:
Yeah? Well when you were staking Uncle Gabby in the rectum, you both looked really queer! [angrily leaves]

Uncle Gabby:
[snickering] Hey, that was kinda funny.

Drinky Crow:
Yeah.

Phoebe:
Oh, Drinky Crow! I followed every one of your campaign!

Drinky Crow:
The thought of you was all that kept me going through some of the boringest parts of the war.

[Uncle Gabby wakes up, after getting drunk from disguise lady who put pills in UG's drink]

Uncle Gabby:
My date! And my wallet! They both mysteriously vanished.

Emu Yoga Woman:
Okay, let's take a break to stretch our cloacas. Remember ladies, it's an anus and a vagina!

Walrus Woman:
[offended] I know!

Duck-Beaver Woman:
[to Drinky Crow] You'll love having kids. They really re-focus your attention. I used to be a professor literature and now all do is shop for special helmets to re-shape my son's head.

Woman:
I used to be a cellist but I cut off my hands so I could have two more breasts to feed my quadruplets!

Phoebe:
Drinky, now that you know more about parenthood, don't you see what a magical sacrifice it is?

Drinky Crow:
I can't wait. [drinks while shooting himself with two guns in his head]

[Uncle Gabby finds a job]

Interviewer:
Skills?

Uncle Gabby:
Eh, let's see. Eating, drinking, messing with girls...

Interviewer:
I'm showing no matches.

Uncle Gabby:
How about killing?

Interviewer:
I have one listing.

Uncle Gabby:
Great. Call me if something comes up for messing with girls.

[Max sees Uncle Gabby's resume]

Max:
I can see from your resume you can kill, kidnap and are proficient in the languages of semaphore and being beaten. Great.

Rodica Kopelman:
Here's the deal. Max and I were recently on an archaeological expedition. With the help of a fight, a thief, and a cleric, we defeated the guardians of the Lost City of Hodags and looted their treasure. With their hands on the trove of hodag rubies, our colleagues re-considered their promise of splitting the treasure five ways.

Max:
We crawled out way out through miles of tunnels subsisting only on each other's urine.

Rodica Kopelman:
And the hope of revenge!

Uncle Gabby:
So now you need someone to kidnap and murder them?

Rodica Kopelman:
Yes, but it has to be done in a cool way. To send a message.

Max:
In the tomb-raiding business, style is like 90%.

[Uncle Gabby kidnapped Bloodmane]

Max:
Excellent work! Not so might now, are you, Bloodmane? So, tell me. What poetic and ironic way did you kidnap him?

Uncle Gabby:
First, I hit him with a bat! Two, I stuffed him in a sack!

Rodica Kopelman:
[to Max] Damn it. You had to save money and hire a monkey to do poetic justice.

Max:
[to UG] If you can't do poetic, we may need to go in a different direction.

Uncle Gabby:
Don't worry, I think I get what you want now. I actually prefer more poetic myself, I just went with the bat because it has broader appeal.

Drinky Crow:
I'm sorry I ran away before, Phoebe. Maybe you feel more attached to them because you -- How can I put this -- Pooped them out of your dual crackh--

Phoebe:
Don't be so hard on yourself, Drinky. You're not born knowing how to love. You have to learn. [gives him a brooding book]

Drinky Crow:
Yeah. They still might miscarry right?

Phoebe:
There's a ten percent chance.

Drinky Crow:
[tired] I'll read nine out of ten pages then.

Uncle Gabby:
Hey! Got any good ideas for cool kidnapping and/or murders?

Drinky Crow:
A few notebooks full. Why?

Uncle Gabby:
I got a gig.

Drinky Crow:
Phoebe, can I hang out with Gabby for a while?

Phoebe:
Yes, but don't forget the baby shower is at 7:30. We want our new child bearing friends to like us so pick up a good spread.

[Drinky Crow sees the Thief and Cleric]

Drinky Crow:
So you're sure they're not the Thief and Cleric and not just losers with costumers?

Uncle Gabby:
Yeah, what's out move?

[Drinky Crow walks pass the Thief and Cleric]

Uncle Gabby:
Crow, you forgot the part of kidnapping where you kidnap them.

Drinky Crow:
Did I? Since he's a thief I knew he was gonna take my wallet.

[as the Thief open Drinky's wallet, snakes popped out and beats up the Thief and Cleric]

Drinky Crow:
They're also afraid of snakes.

Drinky Crow:
Here's the plan. The machine plugs their urethras and force-feeds them water. There are two unplugging keys, which they'll fight over.

Uncle Gabby:
And the third guys' kidneys will burst?

Drinky Crow:
Right. I designed the meatus plugs myself!

Uncle Gabby:
Nice.

Drinky Crow:
Making a complicated murder machine is way more fun than worrying about my kids. I feel guilty.

Uncle Gabby:
What? Why? It's obviously more fun.

Cleric:
[while being tortured in the murder machine] Yeah, dummy.

Uncle Gabby:
[to the betrayed villains] I've given you a deadly poison! I injected the antidote in your fingers, so you must eat them to survive!

Fighter:
You already injected us with the antidote?

Uncle Gabby:
That's right!

Fighter:
Why would we need to eat our own fingers then?

Uncle Gabby:
Look buddy, there's no need to over think this.

Thief:
Are we to believe the antidote remains localized in the blood stream where it was injected?

Fighter:
That's stupid. Or am I missing something?

Rodica Kopelman:
THIS IS A TOTAL FIASCO!

Uncle Gabby:
[to Drinky Crow] Way to bail to me. I had to kill those guys by stamping on them. That's not artistic. Is it?

[all the woman in the baby shower throws up]

Pig Woman:
Oh, are we eating our babies now?

Captain Maak:
So we just initial next to the stickies and the war is over. Let us wait upon my fancy pen.

Lieutenant Vronchy:
All the years of war I never realized we both shared a passion for speculating upon what different objects would be called in the language of animals.

Captain Maak:
Indeed. I believe that if others had the gift of speech, they would call the sun a "Piru". While camels and dromedaries would refer to water as "Ekaban Saur".

Lieutenant Vronchy:
Fascinating! Although, in my view if mice could talk they would call a table a "Shalofey".

Captain Maak:
I DISAGREE!

[as Captain Maak and Lieutenant Vronchy were about fight, a seagull pooped on the table between them, and laugh it out]

Lieutenant Vronchy:
But we need not resort to violence to resolve the question.

Captain Maak:
Indeed. And here's the fancy pen.

[while Captain Maak and Lieutenant Vronchy write out their name on peace treaty, a random cannonball hit Captain Maak's butt]

Captain Maak:
[to Vronchy] SO! OFFERING PEACE TO MY FACE WHILE MAKING WAR ON MY REAR IS IT? [rips the peace treaty]

Phoebe:
Drinky Crow, you're going to have to deal with this guilt by having many boring conversations with me about your feelings and then when those don't work -- Expensive therapy.

Fighter:
And I'll sue you for murdering me!

Rodica Kopelman:
And I'll sue for failing to murder him. [referring to Fighter]

Monster King:
And I'll sure you for stealing my ancient rubies!

Drinky Crow:
I didn't even steal them!

Monster King:
You can say that through your $500-an-hour litigator, chump.