Timothyj.29104's Quotes Page #120

Here's the list of quotes submitted by timothyj.29104  —  There are currently 6,915 quotes total — keep up the great work!

Jon:
They're gonna stop paying rent in two weeks, and I guess now we got to figure out what you and David are gonna do.

Susan:
What do you mean?

Jon:
I mean, I don't see how you can possibly afford this place.

Susan:
I don't pay rent.

Jon:
You don't pay rent here?

Susan:
No.

Jon:
What do you mean?

Susan:
What do you me-- The Network paid for it?

Jon:
Excuse me?

Susan:
And I got it in the divorce. I also got the Jaguar. Didn't you go over this with your lawyer?

Jon:
How...How is it that I'm the only budge vic in this whole thing?

Susan:
What's -- What is budge vic?

Jon:
Budge Vic -- A budget victim.

Susan:
Oh, oh, oh.

Jon:
No one else likes to pull a good breev around here?

Susan:
[to his husband, Darren] Oh, he does. He's really good at it, actually.

Darren:
I do do that sometimes. Kitch -- I've said "Kitch", actually.

Susan:
He called me, Suze.

Darren:
Yeah, Suze. I call her Suze. She likes when I breev.

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added 6 months ago

Jon:
Okay, guys. I think we are doing a very good with this budget, but we need to do a few more things. One of which, Rob, no more number twos for you in the apartment.

Rob:
Excuse me? Where am I supposed to go to the bathroom?

Jon:
Not up for discussion at all. Figure it out. Go to the deli or something.

Jon:
Alright, what else? can we do?

Kim:
How about we get rid of the cable? We, like, hardly ever watch tv.

Jon:
Absolutely not. That's where I get my hoops and hocks.

David:
What's hocks?

Jon:
Hocks -- Hockey. I wish I could save money on abbreviations. I'd save a tush-load of cash with some well placed breevs.

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added 6 months ago

Jon:
You know, my parents had a B&B when I was a kid, and if they can make it work, then so can we right?

Kim:
Jon, I had no idea your parents had B&B.

Jon:
Yeah. I worked there till I was 10. Worked my ass off.

Kim:
Okay, nobody's saying you didn't so...

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added 6 months ago

Mighty Joe Jon:
I'm gonna have to revoke your network credit card.

Jon:
Unbelievable!

Mighty Joe Jon:
And I'm gonna need the keys to your Jaguar.

Jon:
I don't have a Jaguar. What are you talking about?

Mighty Joe Jon:
They didn't give you a Jaguar?

Jon:
No.

Mighty Joe Jon:
That's bull [bleep], you were supposed to get a Jaguar.

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added 6 months ago

[Jon uses pencils as drums]

Jon:
Night Moves, Bob Seger.

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added 6 months ago

[Sergei records a video to Jon]

Sergei:
If you are watching this...then you know brother is dead. I would like to have let him live, but I could not have another with your face running around. And now...your mother...is inside me. Now we are brothers!

[Sergei tap dances while dressing up as Lon and laughs evilly]

Jon:
Man, what else is on?

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added 6 months ago

[when Jon throws the ashes out of the urn in his brother's grave, a tape recorder came out]

Jon:
What the [bleep]?

[Jon plays the tap recorder]

Lon:
I'm sorry, bro. I had a feeling you might not want to share Mom and Dad, even thought I'm clearly the son Mom should have kept. Call me when you get this note. We'll make arrangements to get you your half of the ashes back. By the way, I double-checked the records, and I'm the older brother. So frrt you. Lon. [tape ends]

Jon:
[scoffs] Well, I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the chip off the ol' dick.

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added 6 months ago

[Sergei caught Jon's brother from the fake suicide moment on call days ago]

Sergei:
I want you to know you're going to die tonight. [shows a picture] This...my mother. She was whore. Did not want me. MY WHOLE LIFE BEEN A LIE! We share the same pain. I kill your parents to make Jon feel pain. I kidnap you so he feel my pain! And now is time to die.

Lon:
[grunts]

Sergei:
What? You want last word?

Lon:
Mm-hmm.

[Sergei takes off tape from Lon's mouth]

Lon:
YOU'RE WRONG! YOU'RE WRONG! WE DON'T SHARE THE SAME PAIN! My Mom flipped a coin. That's how she ended up with the asshole brother that I have. I know how you're feeling, and you do not need to feel bad or sad or angry or whatever it is you feel, because you...are...loved! THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS THAT YOU HAVE PARENTS! YOU HAVE A FAMILY! YOU HAVE A BROTHER WHO LOVES YOU AND WANTS YOU! I NEVER HAD THAT! YOU ARE LOVED!

Sergei:
[voice breaking] I AM NOT!

Lon:
Sergei...you are loved, Sergei. You are loved.

Sergei:
[screams]

Lon:
Yes, you are loved.

Sergei:
[cries then transitions into an evil laugh]

Lon:
It's okay, Sergei. It's okay.

Sergei:
Thank you. [evil laugh] I feel better. [shoots Lon]

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added 6 months ago

[as Jon was about to run to Maine with the the parents' ashes for Lon]

Jon:
You know, I -- I can't bring Lon back. But I can honor his legacy by taking lemons...and making Lon-monade.

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added 6 months ago

[Jon makes a promise to his brother's request]

Kim:
What are you doing?

Jon:
What I should have done a long time ago. [brings out his tap shoes] I'm gonna tap his ash on home.

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added 6 months ago

[after Jon heard that his brother suicided himself]

Jon:
What is wrong with me?

Kim:
Jon.

Jon:
No, Kim, you're right. You were right. I may have been such a selfish asshole...but I'm gonna let that selfishness be in vain.

Kim:
Don't you mean you're gonna make sure Lon's death wasn't in vain?

Jon:
That's not what I meant, but you're right.

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added 6 months ago

Kim:
You know, I just -- I cannot believe you wouldn't share the ashes with Lon. I mean, you guys spent this really emotional week together. You could have at least thought about it.

Jon:
Yeah, you know what? My parents, my ashes. Oh, and my bull's eye! Boom! My bull's! You know, like, "My bad". "My bull's"!

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added 6 months ago

[while the russian social club playing poker]

Pavel:
Hey. Wake up. It's your turn.

Sergei:
I'm sorry. Papa sent me a letter with photo of real mother.

Yvgeny:
What's that, Sergei? I only understand Mirminsky. [laughs]

Pavel:
Just open it, Sergei.

Sergei:
[to Yvgeny] You open.

Yvgeny:
Okay.

[Yvgeny reads their Dad's note to Sergei]

Yvgeny:
My son, your real mother...was whore. My good friend Vladimir...had sex with her many times. He die shortly after you were born. I felt bad for whore and take child. You are not blood, no...but to me you will always be...a real Mirminsky. Papa.

Yvgeny:
Here is a photo of your whore mother.

[Sergei sees a photo of her mother]

Sergei:
What? So I'm not real Mirminsky. So what?! PLAY CARDS!

[Sergei angrily leaves]

Todd Barry:
So, I guess I should just take over as these chips' new mommy.

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added 6 months ago

Lon:
Before I go, there is something serious that I wanted to ask you.

Jon:
Oh, okay.

Lon:
I would really like to bring some -- Not all, but some -- Of Mom and Dad's ashes home with me. It would mean so much to me.

Jon:
Oh.

Lon:
Yeah.

Jon:
Um...wow. [chuckles] I think you got to slow down a little bit, baby bro. I know that'd your Mom and Dad in there, but it takes a little more than a week of hanging out and smashing watermelons to become someone's son.

Lon:
Are you serious?

Jon:
Lon, I don't know what to tell you, man. This is like Rob asking me for ashes.

Lon:
It's nothing like Rob asking you.

Jon:
Yeah, you know what? You're right. It is nothing like Rob, because Rob actually knew my parents, and he actually spent time with them. So you know what? If he asked me for some of the ashes, I'd probably give him some. I'm just telling it how it is. Okay, I'm the older brother. This is my call. My call.

Lon:
[grunts and hisses]

Lon:
Do you know what? I wish I never knew that I had a brother!

Jon:
Yeah, okay. Tap your ass back to Maine! Go on!

[Lon leaves]

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added 6 months ago

Yvgeny's Dad:
So Jon...has twin? Very interesting.

Sergei:
Do we kill him? Or leave him be? I cannot stand thought of other person with Jon's face running around.

Yvgeny:
I could kill the brother.

Sergei:
YOU COULD NOT KILL A FLY! ONLY REAL MEN GET TO KILL!

Yvgeny's Dad:
Okay, Sergei.

Sergei:
[to his brother] I don't even know if you're a real man. I don't even know if you're a real Mirminsky.

Yvgeny's Dad:
Enough, Sergei. Don't worry, Yvgeny.

Sergei:
That's right, Yvgeny, I just tease.

Yvgeny's Dad:
[to Sergei] It is you who is not real Mirminsky.

Sergei:
[surprised] What?

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added 6 months ago

[after Lon gives tap shoes to all of Jon's crew members, Jon starts to feel concerned]

Lon:
What is it? What's wrong?

Jon:
You know, just...Mom was, uh -- Mom was really into dance. And, uh, you know, she always wanted me to get into it. I thought it was for fairies. I had no interest. Now you show up, and you're -- You're into dance. You -- You tap. You have your own tap school. It's like she gave away the wrong son.

Lon:
Wait, wait, wait. Whoa.

David:
Dad...

Jon:
She keeps you, she has the tapping son she always wanted. And I get to go kill Saddam Hussein.

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added 6 months ago

[Jon meet his brother for the first time]

Lon:
It's such a joyful moment to meet you. I'm -- I'm moved beyond words.

Jon:
So, what do we do now?

Lon:
I don't know. Should I take my pants off? Were you gonna put some pants on.

[Jon realizes he forgot to wear pants after looking for his sweats]

All:
[laughter]

Jon:
[happily] I forgot!

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added 6 months ago

[Jon getting prepared to meet his long lost brother]

Jon:
Okay. Place look good. Everything look clean?

Kim:
Yeah. it looks great.

Jon:
[to his clothing] How about this? Does this look nice?

Kim:
Honey, you look really handsome.

Jon:
You sure it's not trying too hard.

Kim:
No.

Jon:
It's not too much?

Kim:
No. You look great.

Jon:
I think I'm gonna change.

Kim:
Uh, Jon...

Jon:
I'm putting on -- I'm putting on sweats.

Kim:
No, no, no, no, no.

Jon:
Yeah, I want to keep it casual.

Kim:
No.

Jon:
[takes off his pants] Can you guys help me find my sweats?

Kim:
Please don't put on the sweats.

Jon:
Need to find my sweats, guys. Can someone please help me find my sweats -- Would be great. Where are my sweats? Are you sitting on them?

Rob:
I talked to him on the phone this morning. He's very excited to meet you.

Jon:
What if we don't get along? I mean...what if he doesn't like me? Then what do I do? [heard someone knocking on door] Please help me. WHERE ARE MY SWEATS?! [bleep] WHERE ARE -- PLEASE HELP ME FIND THE SWEATS.

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added 6 months ago

Jon:
How is it you guys think this is a piece of information you can keep from me?

Rob:
This was your parents' call, Jon, not ours.

Greg DiPietro:
We weren't at liberty to discuss any of this with you. But now we can tell you the story. Your mother had twins. Your parents knew they couldn't afford two children, so they -- They flipped a coin.

Jon:
Oh, my god. Oh, my god. They flipped a coin! [scoffs] That is insane! I mean...if it lands the other way, who knows what happens? Maybe I'm adopted by a military family or something. I join the Navy. I start flying fighter jets. Maybe I become like the top guy. Renegade -- That's my nickname.

Jon:
Renegade, Renegade, come in. What's up, Tower? This is Renegade. What do you got? Got some coordinates -- Saddam Hussein's bunker. Hit the turbojets. [imitates fighter jet] Drop my payload. Boom. Saddam Hussein dead, Renegade national hero. Headlines of all the papers. I get home, get laid left and right. Every girl wants to [bleep] the 'Gade.

Jon:
Maybe Katrina never happens. I don't know. We don't know.

Jon:
We don't know, 'cause of a [bleep] coin toss.

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added 6 months ago

Bryce Grieke:
Well, so, the estates have been settled, and the house in Idaho has been sold. And finally, both your parents were cremated. And at their request, they asked for both of their ashes to be, uh, placed in this -- This one urn. And their wish for the ashes is that they be scattered over the cliffs of Monterey, California, where you were conceived. So if nothing else, maybe you'll get a nice trip to California.

Jon:
[scoffs] Yeah, right. And think about them boning the whole time I'm there, spreading their ashes all over the place? No, thanks.

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added 6 months ago

[Todd and Sergei does training in a shooting range]

Sergei:
You have become good shot.

Todd Barry:
Yeah, but it's not like shooting an actual person. I don't even have a boner.

Sergei:
Just give it time. All I have to do is think about killing someone and I get an erection. Bee-yoop.

Todd Barry:
That's weird, man.

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added 6 months ago

Rob:
Oh, sorry. Don't mean to interrupt the interview.

Leslie King:
No, not at all. Jay and I were just getting to know each other.

Rob:
Oh, uh, well, one thing I happen to know about Leslie is that she spent a, uh, whole summer studying abroad in Rome.

Jay 2:
Oh, really?

Leslie King:
Uh, yes.

Jon:
What, uh, what, did you do an IMDb on Leslie? [laughs]

Rob:
Well, I've done a lot of things on Leslie. We just started seeing each other. [touches Leslie's hand]

Leslie King:
Rob.

Jay 2:
Jon, wheel me away from here, please.

Jon:
No, hold on, Jay. Rob, what are you doing?

Rob:
Not doing anything.

Jon:
Oh bull [bleep]. You know Jay like her and you made your move.

Leslie King:
[to Rob] Excuse me?

Rob:
Look --

Jay 2:
Jon, please?

Jon:
Jay, shut up. I'm trying to help you right now.

Rob:
Listen, the heart wants what it wants.

Jon:
Oh, yeah? Well, your heart is a dick.

Jay 2:
Jon, please?

Leslie King:
I'm sorry. What is going on here?

Rob:
I don't know.

Jon:
Leslie, Jay has a crush on you, okay? That's why he's dressed sexy. I was trying to set you guys up. Rob knew all of this, and for some reason that had better be explained to me, he decided to ask you out.

Rob:
He takes my bullet, I steal his girl.

Leslie King:
Uh, Rob, I'm not your girl.

Rob:
Oh, Leslie, come on. You got to admit there's a certain...obvious animal attraction between us.

Leslie King:
Don't call me ever again.

Rob:
Les. Les.

[Leslie and the crew leaves]

Jon:
You know, I don't who I feel worse for -- Jay or the reporter for not getting to see that dong.

Rob:
Oh, oh, please, don't worry. She did fine in the dong department, trust me.

Jon:
Oh, yeah?

Rob:
Yeah.

Jon:
Prove it.

Rob:
What?

Jon:
Whip it out. Let's compare dongs right now. Let's go, man. Move, Jay. [unbuckles Jay's pants]

Jay 2:
Stop it, Jon.

Rob:
I'm not gonna do that.

Jon:
Let's go, man. Let's see it.

Rob:
Jon, you're out of your mind.

Jon:
Am I?

Rob:
Yeah.

Jon:
Why don't you put your dong where your mouth is, asshole? Let's see it.

[as Jon struggles trying to unbuckles Jay 2's pants to show dongs, Jay 2 has had enough]

Jay 2:
[bleep] you for being [bleep] to me behind Jon's back. I didn't steal your bullet. And, Jon, no one asked you to wash my dick.

Jon:
Yeah, well, no one asked me to stop, either.

Jay 2:
I wish I'd never jumped in front of that bullet. [to Jon] And I wish it was you in this chair.

Jon:
[surprised] How dare you. How...dare you! I dedicated my LIFE to you. You think I like washing that dong? I have to make myself numb to the world to do it. Where's my thanks? Where's Jon's gratitude? Who's washing Jon's dong? Nobody.

[one of Jay 2's feet start to move]

Jon:
Oh, my god, Jay, Jay, you're moving.

Jay 2:
I know. I'm trying to kick you in the balls to get you to shut the [bleep] up!

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added 6 months ago

Jon:
Look, Jay, all you need is dong-fidence, alright? Dong confidence. Now, you've got the dong. You just need the fidence.

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added 6 months ago

Yvgeny's Dad:
You did not rat us out. Your debt -- Erased. Thank you. Spacibo.

Todd Barry:
Yeah, but I don't really care about all that. I just really want to get out of here.

Sergei:
Don't worry. We have connections to get sentence reduced. You're out in 1 or 10 days.

Todd Barry:
You know what? Can we make it more like one? 'Cause, I mean, I have a-a tour starting tomorrow, and it's like 35 presold tickets.

Sergei:
First, you had death boner. Then, you had scared boner.

Sergei:
Did you get prison boner yet?

Todd Barry:
I saw a prison boner.

Yvgeny's Dad:
Bee-yoop! [laughs]

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added 6 months ago

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In which movie did this phrase get tattooed on someone back: "I never wish to be parted from you from this day on"?
A Sex and Lucia
B Memento
C The Ultimate Life
D After We Collided