Wikidude's Quotes Page #5,359

Here's the list of quotes submitted by wikidude — There are currently 140,397 quotes total — keep up the great work!

Howard: Good morning. This is Howard Stern. Welcome to the show. I have a confession to make. I did not get, uh, laid last night. In fact, I haven't gotten laid in a really long time. Now, give me a call here at DC 101 if you have the same kind of problem. Having trouble with your woman? Give me a call. I'll help you out. Let me introduce, over here to my right, my beautiful new newswoman Robin Quivers, who looks so beautiful, I'm sure she doesn't have any of these sexual problems. But I must tell you, my life is, um, very odd. I get hornier and hornier. My wife, she comes home from work, she goes to sleep. The whole week goes by, she never gets horny. Robin, as a woman, what is it? Do women get horny? Robin: Sometimes. – Private Parts Movie Quote	added 5 years ago
Howard: Hi, honey. Robin Leach says we should move to Antigua. Alison: [taking off her clothes] Oh, yeah? Come on, hurry up. Snap to it. I'm ovulating. Howard: I'm in the middle of important show research. Alison: Howard, seriously, come on. Howard: You know what? You're getting baby fever here. And you know, maybe it's a little premature. I'm about two days away from being fired, the way I figure it. And do you want to know something? You got to think about the economics of this. Alison: You're gonna be the best morning man in the history of radio. At any minute, you're gonna be number one. Howard: Is that so? Alison: Yeah! Strip! Howard: Let me tell you something. Look at yourself. You're completely on fire about having a baby. You don't understand. I'm not a piece of meat. I mean, I have to be romanced. Alison: Oh, yeah. Please. Howard: Ooh, look at that bra. Where did you get that? Alison: You like this? Howard: OK. That's it. That's it! I am making a baby! It's baby time! I'm ready to give you a baby. Alison: Thank you. Howard: Hold on. [pulls pants down and hops towards her] Alison: OK. Now I'm hot. Now I actually want to have sex. I didn't before and now I do. – Private Parts Movie Quote	added 5 years ago
Howard: Robin, watch this. What am I doing? Robin: Uh, having a seizure? Howard: No, that's not a seizure. That's me dancing because I'm happy 'cause I got laid last night. Robin: Oh! Howard: Yeah, I really did. In fact, it was not for lust. It was 'cause I was making a kid. Robin: Oh. Howard: In fact, my wife's eggs are very old. They're very, you know, she's getting older. But my sperm is like supersperm, so I'm pretty sure everything was delivered in one shot. Robin: Oh, yeah. Your sperm are fine. Howard: My sperm are fantastic. I'm fantastic. I'm in a good mood. – Private Parts Movie Quote	added 5 years ago
Caller: I was calling because I have a really big problem. Howard: What's your problem? Caller: Well, every morning I lie in bed, and the only thing I can do is think of you. Howard: Oh, really? Well, let's see if we can't help you with your problem. What do you look like? Caller: Well, I've got blond hair, and I've got blue eyes, and my measurements are about 38-24-34. Some people tell me I look a lot like Farrah Fawcett. Howard: I can help you. Robin, I can help this girl. Robin: You know, we have the most beautiful audience. Howard: We certainly do. We're very fortunate that way. You know what we're gonna do to solve your problem? I'm gonna have sex with you right now over the radio. Robin: How are we gonna do that? Howard: Very simple. I've thought this through, Robin. First of all, what kind of radio are you listening to us on? You have a transistor radio, or you have one of those big sound systems? Caller: I have one of those big sound systems. Howard: Good. OK. Could you turn the treble all the way down and put the bass all the way up? Caller: OK. The treble's down, and the bass is up. Howard: Take your speaker...You got a big speaker? Caller: Yes, I do. Howard: Lay it flat on the floor. And I want you to sort of straddle the speaker. Robin: Howard! Caller: Do what? Robin: A woman cannot be aroused in that way. Howard: No. This is really wrong, Robin. You're absolutely wrong. In fact, my father was a radio engineer, and he proved this theory years ago. You've got to believe. Now, what I need you to do is put your private area over the woofer. Caller: I can't believe you're really making me to do this. Howard: Come on, do it. Right up against it so you can feel me. Caller: I'm on. Robin: Oh, I have to ask her a question. What kind of a woman are you to have sex this way on the radio? Howard: Don't answer that question. Bad question. You're gonna ruin this woman's mood. She might start second-guessing. Are you ready to have sex? Caller: [Giggling] Oh, my God. Howard: Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Caller: Ooh! Howard: Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Caller: Oohh! Ooh. It kinda tingles. Howard: See? It tingles. She likes it. Robin: Yeah, sure. Howard: Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Caller: Ohh! Oh... Robin: She's full of it. Caller: Aahh! Ohh! Oh, God! Oh! Howard: Listen to her. She's going wild. Robin: You got me moaning. Howard: Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Caller: Ohhhhhhhh! Oh, my goodness. Ohhh! Howard: [laughs] This is the best sex I ever had. – Private Parts Movie Quote	added 5 years ago
Alison: How could you do that? Do you think that was funny? You think it's funny to make jokes about our personal life like that? You're an asshole! Howard: What are you talking about? Alison, I love you. What are you talking about? Alison: Howard, not everything is for your audience. I need a life that is ours, that belongs to us. Howard: I'm on the air 6 hours a day. I'm trying to come up with material. I hate going out. Alison: Too bad! Howard: I said when we came here, if I was gonna win on the radio, I'd have to talk about everything. I couldn't hold back. Alison: Howard... Howard: Come on, last night we were laughing about this. I just assumed you thought it was funny. Alison: It was funny for us last night. Privately, for us. Howard: Alison, if I don't talk about you and me on the air... Alison: Shut up. Shut up. Howard: The audience isn't gonna be there. Alison: Shut up! Shut up! Howard: I won't make any money. Alison: Shut up! You disgust me! I can't even look at you, idiot! – Private Parts Movie Quote	added 5 years ago
Kenny: Uh, Mr. Erlick, if I may? Put me in charge of the Stern show. Let me ride herd on him, and I'll mold that son of a bitch into another Don Imus. When I'm through whipping him, that boy will be asking permission to wipe his ass. Vin: You want to tame him? Kenny: Well, either I'll tame him, or I'll make him so crazy...he'll quit. So either way, we win. – Private Parts Movie Quote	added 5 years ago
Howard: I gotta tell you something, Kenny. I always saw myself sort of something different than lmus. That's why you hired me. Kenny: You are original. You are original, but... You say a lot of offensive things, and occasionally you are real funny, but you've got to learn to do what Imus does. See, he doesn't actually say the bad thing himself. He says it through a character. Howard: Yeah, well, I don't do character... Kenny: How about you go on the air 3 A.M. This morning, show us some characters. OK? Good. – Private Parts Movie Quote	added 5 years ago
Imus: You are interrupting me. Kenny: I have, uh, Howard Stern outside. Imus: You have who outside? Kenny: The young man from Washington that we... Imus: You have Howard Stern outside my fucking office? How did Howard Stern get outside my fucking office? Kenny: I brought him down... Imus: Well, I'm not gonna meet that stupid fuck. He's nothing. [Imus sticks his head out his door to see Howard] Imus: [to Howard] Fuck off! – Private Parts Movie Quote	added 5 years ago
Howard: I was not saying the call letters right. It's a big problem, so in order to rectify this, I brought in a cup of Blackswell's semen. Robin: Semen? Fred: I squoze it myself. I hope it's not too tangy. Robin: And what are you gonna do with it? Howard: I'm gonna gargle with this and say the call letters over and over again until I get it right. Robin: You think that'll work? Howard: I don't care, 'cause I love the taste of a man. Ooga. ... Fred: There she blows. Howard: Oh. Can you believe it? Robin: You just swallowed. Howard: I swallowed. Oh, my God. Fred: Waste not, want not, Robin. Howard: Oh! I wanna say I love W N BC. See? It worked. I can say it. – Private Parts Movie Quote	added 5 years ago
Kenny: You goddamn motherfuckers. You fucking waltz in here, and you think you know everything, don't you? Well, I fucking worked my fucking ass off to get to New York City, and you sure as fuck are not gonna fucking blow it for me! Howard: I was just doing character... Kenny: Barry, Jerry, clarify the situation for him, please. Barry: Page 108, paragraph 3: "No jokes dealing with flatulence, excretion, urination, ejaculation, or other bodily functions." Jerry: Also note paragraph 2: "No use of the so-called seven dirty words. These are cocksucker, motherfucker, fuck, shit, cunt, cock, and pussy." Kenny: Now, from now on, all your little bits are gonna be under 2 minutes in duration, and all scripts...and I do mean all scripts...require my personal approval. Welcome to NBC, Howard. – Private Parts Movie Quote	added 5 years ago
Howard: Hi, everybody. My name is Gene Sternburn, and welcome to Match Game. We have a lot of excitement in the air today because we have some great panelists. ... Howard: Let's play our game now, OK? Shall we? And what we're gonna do is ask you to fill in the blank, OK? Now, I want you to listen carefully. Our first clue up is...blank willow. Blank willow. [Music Plays] Let's go over to Miss Brett Somers right now. Now, Brett, what did you have for us? Blank willow. Robin; The only thing on my mind, Gene, was pussy. Howard: Uh-oh. Pussy. Hey, all right. Hey, that's kind of wild. Pussy willow, that's what I would have said. All right, let's go over to Dick Nixon, former president of the United States. What did you have? Blank willow. Fred: In any language, pussy. Howard: All right! Now let's go to our newest member of the panel, Mr. Jackie "Jokeman" Martling. Blank willow. Jackie: Well, Gene, I didn't write it too neat, so I have a sloppy pussy. Howard: Sloppy pussy! We had a sloppy and a fuzzy pussy and a very big one. Fred: Are we talking about Brett again? Howard: All right, now, Let's keep going. Now it's gonna get a little rougher, OK? Everybody ready? Blank a-doodle-doo. Blank a-doodle-doo. [Music Plays] Blank a-doodle-doo. Think about that while the celebrities are writing. Here we are. Let's go over to our Dick Nixon, our own ex-president. What do you got there, Dick? Fred: Well, it takes a Dick to know a cock, and that's what I wrote. Howard: Cock-a-doodle-doo. Now, that's what I would have said. That seemed like the obvious answer. OK, let's go to our own Jackie "The Jokeman" Martling. Jackie The Jokeman? Jackie: Gene, I have cock, and I wrote it big. I have a big cock. Howard: Uh, I don't think you can say "big cock" on the radio. I think that's a no-no. Robin: But I just said pussy. Jackie: Yeah, she just said pussy. Howard: Yes, pussy is OK. It's the way he says it. "Big cock" coming out of your mouth sounds awfully dirty. Jackie: So I can't say "big cock," but you can say "big cock coming out of my mouth"? Howard: That's correct. Jackie: That sucks. Fred: Did you just say, "big cock coming out of your mouth sucks"? Howard: All right, enough of this nonsense. We gotta move to Miss Brett Somers. Robin: Just like the boys, Gene, I've got cock. Howard: There it is, cock-a-doo...do me a favor and hold that up so I can see your cock. Jackie: Aw, Gene, don't have... Howard: All right, there it is. Cock, cock, cock. I must tell you, though, we have to end this fun right now. – Private Parts Movie Quote	added 5 years ago
Howard: Hi. Is this Betty Jean Rushton? Betty Jean: Yes, it is. Howard: Betty Jean, hi. It's Howard Stern, W N BC. I work with your husband Kenny. Betty Jean: Yes. Kenny's mentioned you. Howard: Oh, I bet Kenny has. The reason I'm calling is because your husband has been very bitchy around here lately, and I'm thinking that maybe if you gave him some more sex... Betty Jean: More sex? Howard: Yeah. He's backed up. Isn't he backed up, Ross? – Private Parts Movie Quote	added 5 years ago
Howard: That is the first naked lady in the history of radio. Sans panties, sans bra. Robin: I am shocked. Howard: So am I. This is disgraceful. We should be taken off the air. Robin: You've finally done it. Howard: Ohh! Beautiful. You're a work of art. Did you know that? Mandy: Thank you, Howard. Howard: Let me tell you something. Now, to ensure our place in the history of radio, Mandy has agreed to actually get on the floor with me and give me a massage while she is nude. Robin: What does a massage have to do with making it into history? Howard: Who knows? I don't know. Massage, schmas. I just gotta get touched. – Private Parts Movie Quote	added 5 years ago
Howard: Let me soak you in. Holy cow, are you naked. You know what I like about you? Mandy: What? Howard: I like that you're the perfect height. I could have sex with you standing up. Look at that. Ooh. Robin: Howard! You're married. Howard: I am? I mean, I am. Well, I'm not really married anymore. Mandy: What do you mean? Howard: Take a seat. I'll tell you what happened. My wife was suffering from cancer...I never told you this...and she died last night. I've been single for exactly 24 hours. Honey, if you're up there now, I know you can hear me, and you're at God's side, but I want you to cover your ears and eyes. Besides, you're married to God now... – Private Parts Movie Quote	added 5 years ago
Howard: Let me ask you something. You have the look of love in your eyes, but I'm an ugly man. I know this. You couldn't be physically attracted to me, could you? Mandy: Physically, I am. I mean, you're smart, you're sexy. Howard: Wait. Excuse me for one minute. Robin... Robin: I didn't say a thing. Howard: Robin, go up to the cafeteria and get some lunch. Yeah, go ahead. Tell me more about me. Mandy: You're funny. Howard: You know what I would do to you physically? Mandy: What would you do? Howard: I don't know what I'd do, but let me just say something. Whatever it is, it would last 10 seconds. 10 seconds, I'd be finished. We would have sex, like, 10 times a day. You would love it. – Private Parts Movie Quote	added 5 years ago
Researcher: The average radio listener listens for eighteen minutes a day. The average Howard Stern fan listens for - are you ready for this? - an hour and twenty minutes. Kenny: How could this be? Researcher: Answer most commonly given: "I want to see what he'll say next." Kenny: : All right, fine. But what about the people who hate Stern? Researcher: Good point. The average Stern hater listens for two and a half hours a day. Kenny: : But... if they hate him, why do they listen? Researcher: Most common answer: "I want to see what he'll say next." – Private Parts Movie Quote	added 5 years ago
Leo: Mr. Bialystock, I cannot FUNCTION under these conditions! [pulls out his blue blanket and hugs it] You're making me extremely nervous. Max: What is that, a handkerchief? Leo: What? [hides his blue blanket behind his back] Oh, it's nothing. Max: Nothing? Then why can't I see it? [grabs Leo's blue blanket out of his hand] Leo: [gasps] M-MY BLANKET! MY BLUE BLANKET!! GIMME MY BLUE BLANKET!!! [goes crazy] Max: Sshhh! Here, here, here! Don't panic! Don't panic. [hands Leo's blue blanket back to him. Leo calms down] Leo: [sighs] I'm sorry. I don't like people touching my blue blanket. It's not important, it's a minor compulsion. I can deal with it if I want to. It's just that I've had it ever since I was a baby, and I find it very comforting. [kisses his blue blanket and puts it back in his pocket] – The Producers Movie Quote	added 5 years ago
Leo: You're gonna jump on me. Max: Huh? Leo: You're gonna jump on me! I know you're gonna jump on me! Like Nero jumped on Poppaea! Max: Who? Leo: Poppaea!! She was his wife, and she was unfaithful to him! So, he got mad! AND HE JUMPED ON HER, UP AND DOWN, UP AND DOWN, UNTIL HE SQUASHED HER LIKE A BUG! PLEASE DON'T JUMP ON ME!! Max: I'M NOT GONNA JUMP ON YA!!! Leo: AAAAH!! – The Producers Movie Quote	added 5 years ago
Leo: I'M HYSTERICAL! I'M HYSTERICAL! I'M HYS- Max splashes a glass of water on Leo Leo: ...I'M WET! I'M WET! I'M HYSTERICAL AND I'M WET! Max slaps Leo across the face Leo: ...I'M IN PAIN! ...AND I'M WET! ...AND I'M STILL HYSTERICAL! – The Producers Movie Quote	added 5 years ago
[Max forcefully wrestles Leo's books out of his hands and laughs triumphantly. Leo angrily pinches Max's cheeks hard] Leo: [enraged, shrieking] FAT!!!!!!!! FAT!!!! FAT!! [punches Max in the stomach, knocking him to the floor, making him groan in agony] FAT!!! FAT!!!!! YOU FATTY!! [launches himself onto Max, attacking him] Just gimme those books, you fat walrus! Max: Never! Leo: Give 'em, quick! Grr-rrr! YOU FAT FATTY! GIMME THOSE FAT BOOKS!! Max: NO! No! – The Producers Movie Quote	added 5 years ago
Max: I was a protege of the great Boris Tomashevsky. He taught me everything I know. I'll never forget, he turned to me on his death bed and said: "Maxella, alle menschen muss zu machen, jeden tug a gentzen kachen!" Nun: What does that mean? Max: Who knows, I don't speak Yiddish. Strangely enough, neither did he. But in my heart, I knew what he was saying. He was saying when you're down and out and everybody thinks you're finished, that's the time to stand up on your two feet and shout: "Who do you have to fuck to get a break in this stinking town?" – The Producers Movie Quote	added 5 years ago
Max: Do you know who I am? Leo: You are Max Bialystock, King of BROADWAY! Max: No, I am Max Bialystock - that's right! – The Producers Movie Quote	added 5 years ago
Max: Whatta ya say, Bloom? Leo: [sung] What do I say? Finally a chance to be a Broadway producer! What do I say? Finally a chance to make my dreams come true, sir! What do I say? What do I say? Here's what I say to you, sir... I can't do it! – The Producers Movie Quote	added 5 years ago
Leo: I'm a fountain? Max: [yelling] Yes, you're a fountain! – The Producers Movie Quote	added 5 years ago

We need you!

Help us build the largest authors community and quotes collection on the web!

The Web's Largest Resource for

Famous Quotes & Sayings

A Member Of The STANDS4 Network

Browse Quotes.net

#A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Random New Quotes

Quiz

Are you a quotes master?

»

"Cat's in the bag, and the bag's in the river!"

A Sweet Smell of Success

B Johnny Belinda

C Kiss me Deadly

D Shadow of a Doubt