Keeping Up Appearances

[repeated line]

Hyacinth:
It's my sister Daisy. She's not the one with the Mercedes, sauna and room for a pony.

[repeated line]

Hyacinth:
It's my sister Violet! She's the one with the Mercedes, swimming pool, and room for a pony.

[she pronounces it "Bouquet", and very, very shrilly]

Hyacinth:
The Bucket residence, the lady of the house speaking!

Hyacinth:
This is not the Chinese restaurant. This is a residential number and you are speaking to the lady of the house on a white, slim line telephone with last number redial facility.

Hyacinth:
[on the phone] No, I will not send over another portion of deep-fried squid. This is not the Chinese take-away. You are connected to a private residence on a white, slimlined telephone with last-number redial facility.

Hyacinth:
Oh, Richard. You know how much I love daddy. I would have him here if it wasn't for all the time he spends in the bathroom.

Hyacinth:
Take your shoes off before you enter the house, dear.

[repeated line]

Hyacinth:
Coffee in ten minutes, Elizabeth! Bring Emmet!

[repeated line]

Hyacinth:
Sheridaaaaaaan!

Hyacinth:
Listen, Daisy. Tell Onslow to put a shirt on while I'm on the telephone. I can always sense him there, expanding.

Hyacinth:
It's Bouquet!

Hyacinth:
It's Bouquet! B-U-C-K-E-T!

Hyacinth:
I would be very pleased if you would accept my invitation to one my candlelight suppers.

Hyacinth:
Rose, that skirt's too short!

Hyacinth:
If my Sheridan were here he'd be appalled!

Hyacinth:
Sit wherever you like, dear... *except* there! I always like to face the window.

Hyacinth:
Richard a little decorum please, that is not the sort of behaviour one would expect from a person with a reservation for a quailty cruise

Hyacinth:
I want you to instruct your superiors that this is a first class stamp residence.

Hyacinth:
All the men like Rose, that's her problem.

Hyacinth:
What a wonderful sense of duty Daddy has.

Elizabeth Hawksworth Warden:
I'm sorry Hyacinth, when I'm in this house I go to pieces.

Hyacinth:
Well some people just can't help being clumsy.

Rose:
Onslow, father's on the roof again!

Onslow:
Ask him if he's got my bottle opener!

Hyacinth:
Ooooh! It's the Chairlady of the Women's Luncheon Club.

Richard Bucket:
Ewww...

[repeated line]

Someone:
Oh damn! It's the Bucket woman!

[repeated line]

Onslow:
Oh, nice!

Hyacinth:
Mind the pedestrian, Richard.

Richard Bucket:
Minding the pedestrian...

Onslow:
Daisy, I am not just a play thing.

Hyacinth:
[to Richard, after she picks up the phone] It's Sheridan!

Richard Bucket:
How much does he want?

Hyacinth:
Oh, stop it, Richard! I'm sure he's just calling to say hello to his mommy.

[on the phone, to Sheridan]

Hyacinth:
Now, what is it dear?

[stops and blinks]

Hyacinth:
You want 90?

[repeated line]

Hyacinth:
Now don't be silly, Richard!

Onslow:
[to Daisy] What discourages me about looking for your father is we usually find him.

Hyacinth:
And you are?... Regional Postal Manager. I guess you will do, though I would have preferred to speak to someone on a national scale.

Hyacinth:
Oh, don't make difficulties, Richard!

Emmet Hawksworth:
[repeated line about Hyacinth in a sad and depressed tone] She'll sing at me, I know she will.

Hyacinth:
[in the car] Mind the horse.

Richard Bucket:
It's in the field.

Hyacinth:
Today could be the day I'm mistaken for somebody important.

Hyacinth:
Your suggestion is noted. However, I see little practical merit in having the telephone up my jumper!

Hyacinth:
I've just been insulted on my own telephone!

Richard Bucket:
I expect the opportunities are rare for being insulted on somebody else's.

Richard Bucket:
Hyacinth, do you ever wonder why Sheridan shows very little interest in girls?

Onslow:
[Repeated line] Is there any more beer?

Hyacinth:
Beautiful day Elizabeth!

Elizabeth Hawksworth Warden:
Yes, isn't it?

Hyacinth:
Completely conducive to contemplating cozy charismatic country cottages!

Daisy:
Onslow, where did we first make love?

Onslow:
[Briefly becomes wide-eyed] Would you repeat the question?

Daisy:
Where did we first make love?

Onslow:
It made such an impression on you you can't even remember it?

Daisy:
I can remember when we last made love. Just.

Rose:
Why is Father standing in a bucket?

Daisy:
Is he standing in a bucket?

Rose:
Just standing there with both feet in the bucket.

Onslow:
Is he quiet?

Rose:
Yes.

Onslow:
So leave him alone. Get yourself another bucket.

Rose:
But I don't want a bucket!

Daisy:
So why do you care if Father is standing in a bucket?

Rose:
[Looks around in frustration] I wish I'd never asked!

Richard:
Why can't I have my usual cornflakes?

Hyacinth:
This is not a cornflake establishment.

Richard:
Whunh. It always has been!

Hyacinth:
Perhaps in the days before this exclusive European high fibre breakfast cereal was made available. Now it's very nutritious and highly recommended.

Richard:
By whom?

Hyacinth:
The Dutch Royal Family.

Richard:
The Dutch Royal Family!

Hyacinth:
There's a crest on the packet.

Richard:
Oh, Hyacinth. I wish you'd stop buying things because there's a crest on the packet.

Hyacinth:
So in future, when people ask you what you have for breakfast, don't say cornflakes. Tell them, quite truthfully, that you eat an exclusive European high fibre breakfast cereal.

Richard:
[through clenched teeth] With a crest on the package.

Daisy:
[Daisy thinks Onslow has another woman] I wonder what she's like, his other woman.

Rose:
Short sighted.

Daisy:
I bet she's cheap and common! Have you noticed how they all go for cheap and common?

Rose:
Don't knock it! I've had some of my best moments being cheap and common.

Emmet:
What the hell is an outdoors indoors barbecue?

Elizabeth:
I don't know, but it seems that we are going to one.

Hyacinth:
[Rose & Daisy turn up at Hyacinth's unannounced wearing mini-skirts] Rose... Daisy... Mini!

Rose:
Mini?

Hyacinth:
Skirts!

[last lines]

Hyacinth:
Is there anyone anywhere who can pass me a drink?

Onslow:
I admit I used to be a bit of a menace with the female sex. I was dynamite. To me the Kama Sutra was an owner's manual.

[first lines]

Hyacinth:
Sonja Barker-Finch. [turns on the light and sits up] How much longer are you going to sleep, dear?

Richard:
Probably not a lot, I suspect.

Hyacinth:
Well, I haven't slept a wink.

Richard:
I heard you snoring.

Hyacinth:
I've had a night of mental anguish.

Richard:
Didn't sound like mentally anguished snoring.

Hyacinth:
You know me, Richard. I haven't a snobbish bone in my body. But I do find it irritating that those Barker-Finches at Number 23 should attract *the* Douglas Chater to their barbecue.

Richard:
Uh, the Douglas what?

Hyacinth:
Chater. They had him at their barbecue.

Richard:
Now what did he taste like?

Hyacinth:
Now don't be silly, dear. They had him at their barbecue and of course she can't stop telling everybody. I cannot abide people who run around making a meal out of their little social triumphs.

Onslow:
[Dumbfounded, after Daisy accuses him of being untrustworthy because he's attractive to women] I'm work-shy, bone idle, and out of condition! What makes you think I'm attractive to women?

Daisy:
I married you, didn't I?

Onslow:
When I was younger!

Daisy:
You were still work-shy, bone idle, and out of condition.

Onslow:
Well, yeah, but I was better-dressed.

Emmet:
[after Richard and Hyacinth return from the garden center] Liz, a mobile garden has just parked in Hyacinth's drive!

Elizabeth:
A mobile garden?

Emmet:
Well, a good imitation, anyway.

Elizabeth:
[looks] Good heavens! You hear about the greenhouse effect. Next thing you know, it's parked outside!

Emmet:
I think Richard's under that lot somewhere.

Elizabeth:
With Hyacinth?

Emmet:
[laughs] No, she escaped. She went indoors.

Elizabeth:
Well, instead of giggling, you might go out and give Richard a hand.

Emmet:
I wouldn't walk into a jungle like that without a map and a compass!

Hyacinth:
[On the phone, inviting the Vicar's wife] You must come, dear. We're having C.P. Benedict! [pause] What do you mean, hot or cold?

Hyacinth:
[in reference to Daisy's and Onslow's house] How can a place look like this 50 years after the blitz?

Richard:
[marching out of house to look for a job] I'm forceful and executive! I'm forceful and executive! I'm forceful and executive! I'm forceful and executive!

[first lines]

Hyacinth:
Postman!

The Postman:
Ah! [he jumps, trapping his hand in the letterbox, but works it free]

Hyacinth:
I hope that's a first class stamp. I object to having second class stamps thrust through my letterbox. I should have thought postmen would be trained to recognize first class stamp houses.

The Postman:
It's not the post office puts the stamps on; it's the senders.

Hyacinth:
Oh, yes, of course, blame the public. Would you please inform your supervisor that in future I want my stamps adjusted upwards!

Onslow:
I'll say this much for your Hyacinth, she leaves a lot of happiness behind her. It's such a relief when she's gone.

Hyacinth:
[on the telephone with Daisy] Daddy's gone naturist! Well, I think that's *wonderful* at his age. Yes, all that wholesome healthy food, plenty of roughage. Mmm.

Hyacinth:
Onslow's trying to get Daddy down from where?

Hyacinth:
Well, why would Daddy be up there?

Hyacinth:
Oh, he's not that kind of naturist. Well, what kind of naturist is he?

Hyacinth:
A *stark* naturist!

Onslow:
Listen, Daisy. When I promised to love, honour and obey, I didn't necessarily mean *every* Tuesday.

[last lines]

Hyacinth:
Richard! Richard! I've been offered a job with Frosticles.

Richard:
Take it, Hyacinth, please!

Hyacinth:
I couldn't do that, dear, you'd be so bored at home without me.

[Richard sobs]

Rose:
[Comes into bedroom while Daisy and Onslow are sleeping] How do I look? I want your opinion - is this appropriate for business-wear? [no one wakes up] You two don't just sleep. You HIBERNATE!

[first lines]

Hyacinth:
I heard a noise.

Richard:
There's no one there.

Hyacinth:
Are you sure everything's locked?

Richard:
Everything's locked, bolted, barred.

Hyacinth:
Did you check the windows?

Richard:
I checked the windows.

Hyacinth:
What about the garage?

Richard:
Yes, it's still there.

Hyacinth:
I can't understand why we've never been burgled. It's common knowledge that I have some very valuable objets d'art.

Richard:
Objets d'art?

Hyacinth:
My Royal Doulton!

Richard:
Oh, that.

Hyacinth:
And the figurines that were Grandmamma's.

Richard:
Yes, those.

Hyacinth:
The Wilkinsons were burgled. On his income, I can't understand how they could afford to be burgled. Quite honestly, in their circumstances I think it's a mite pretentious of them to be burgled.

Rose:
Don't be a swine, Onslow.

Onslow:
I don't see why I should start changing the habits of a lifetime.

Hyacinth:
Mind the old lady on the pavement.

Richard:
I'm not going on the pavement.

Hyacinth:
Supposing she suddenly leaps off.

Richard:
How many old ladies *do* make sudden leaps?

[last lines]

Emmet:
[seeing a car approach with a mattress and furniture on the roof] That looks a bit dodgy. [sees Hyacinth in that car] I thought Hyacinth said she was going for a picnic.

Elizabeth:
Looks as if they're prepared for every contingency.

The Vicar:
[driving, and sees Hyacinth and Richard standing on the side of the road because Onslow's car has broken down] Oh damn, it's the Bucket woman!

The Vicar's Wife:
Should you be saying 'damn' like that?

The Vicar:
Not normally, no.

The Vicar's Wife:
What are you doing?

The Vicar:
I'm turning around.

The Vicar's Wife:
You can't turn round; you have to help those people.

The Vicar:
Oh, I suppose you're right.

The Vicar's Wife:
[sees Rose next to Hyacinth] Damn, it's the vampire sister! Turn round, turn round, turn round!

Rose:
[into phone] You're a louse! You've always been a louse! And what's more, you've got hairy toes! You're the first man I've ever known with hairy toes, Ted Butterfield, and it looks like a bad sign.

Hyacinth:
[grabs the phone and scowls at Rose, covering the receiver] Rose, you cannot speak like that to a Butterfield! Good gracious, girl, think of the bright future ahead.

Rose:
Bright future? Well, do you know the Butterfields?

Hyacinth:
Of course we know the Butterfields. We've just been there. [into phone] My sister won't keep you a moment, Mr Butterfield. [covers receiver] We call regularly at their place of business.

Rose:
What place of business?

Hyacinth:
[into phone] My sister's standing here in the grip of a very powerful emotion. You mustn't take any notice of her harsh words. It's just a crust that she's had to develop to cover her purity and simplicity. We're like that as a family; the highest standards prevail; my son wears pure silk pyjamas. [Rose is trying to grab the receiver] Rose, pull yourself together. You'll have to learn to behave if you're going to maintain a relationship with one of the town's leading commercial families!

Rose:
What commercial family?

Hyacinth:
The executive motor showroom and garage. Their forecourt service is unparalleled.

Rose:
He's not that Butterfield! This one's a total dreck without a penny to his name.

Hyacinth:
Hnh? [into phone, shouting in a low voice] And furthermore, will you kindly stop bothering my sister!

[slams down receiver]

Rose:
[cries] What have you done that for! I love him!

Hyacinth:
How can you love him? The man has hairy toes.

Richard:
'You see it in the papers. Terrible. Women living alone, getting involved with strange men. Very unwise.' She'll think I'm barmy. You can't open a conversation like that. 'Hello, Liz, have you seen it in the papers? Women living alone, getting involved with strange men.' Oh, I can't *say* that.

Hyacinth:
I shall miss this house, over the years I've made it a centre of culture and taste.

Daisy:
[to Onslow in bed] We hardly have any conversation these days. Even when we make love you rarely speak to me. Especially when we make love you rarely speak to me.

Onslow:
You think doing two things at once is a formula for success?

Daisy:
Its just that, at times like that, a woman likes a little confirmation that there's actually somebody there.

Onslow:
It's that memorable is it? I'll tell you why I don't like chatting when I'm making love to you. Because the last time, right in the middle of things, you said to me: 'Onslow, if I'd've died in child birth, would you have married again?'

Daisy:
Well, would you?

Onslow:
Married again? I couldn't even finish making love!

Hyacinth:
How fortunate you are, Richard, to have a wife of impeccable moral rectitude.

[first lines]

The Milkman:
Morning, Mrs Bucket.

Hyacinth:
It's Bouquet.

The Milkman:
I never knew that.

Hyacinth:
Trust me.

The Milkman:
To me, people are usually just a name on a note.

Hyacinth:
I will not have milkmen reducing me to a piece of paper. [she picks up and examines the milk bottle]

The Milkman:
Is there something wrong, Mrs Bu... Bouquet?

Hyacinth:
It seems all right, but in future I want you to be quite sure that I get my own bottles back. I know that *mine* have been properly washed, you see, and I can't be quite sure about other bottles, so please inform the people at the depot that I want my own bottles back.

The Milkman:
But all the bottles are sterilized, Mrs Bu... Bouquet. The milk's pasteurized.

Hyacinth:
It's a matter of complete indifference to me whether it's sterilized, pasteurized, immunized or privatized. [calls after him] Just inform your superiors that I want my own bottles back!

[last lines]

Emmet:
Did you see that!

Elizabeth:
Who is he?

Hyacinth:
Um, it was Daddy. Uh, my father's a leading competitor in the over seventies bicycle race. I expect his number fell off in the excitement.

Hyacinth:
Why is he wearing long johns and a steel helmet?

Hyacinth:
Fancy dress. Charity. Brave Daddy, risking the elements at his age for charitable purposes. The old school, you know. [starts for her front door] Coming, Daddy. I must refresh him with orange juice before he tackles the next hundred laps. Yes, the old school; it's his kind of spirit that keeps one going when everything appears to be collapsing.

Hyacinth:
[singing] There'll always be an England, and England shall be free. If England...

Onslow:
[Daddy is missing again] It's no good going off half-cocked in these little emergencies. Somebody's got to keep a cool head and do the planning.

Rose:
[Runs in] There's nobody seen him in the street. Her at the shop hasn't seen him, and she never misses a thing.

Onslow:
If you're gonna track him down, the first thing to do is find out what he's wearing.

Daisy, Rose:
Right! [Both run out to look]

Onslow:
See what I mean about planning? A cool head.

Daisy:
[Returns] All his street clothes are there! He's not wearing any of them!

Onslow:
So now we know what we're looking for - an old man in pajamas.

Rose:
[Returns, holding Daddy's pajamas] Wrong!

Onslow:
Oh, nice...

Onslow:
Here it is. Plan A. I'll stay here in case he comes home. You two go and look for him.

Rose:
I can't go! I'm expecting a phone call from Mr. Bickerstaff.

Daisy:
Who's Mr. Bickerstaff?

Rose:
Who's Mr. Bickerstaff? He's only the best thing that ever happened to me. A chance to start again, to build on the security of someone who cares for me!

Daisy:
I thought that was Mr. Crabtree!

Rose:
Don't speak to me about that swine...

Rose:
I didn't know what love was, until along came Mr. Bickerstaff. I can't go anywhere until I get his phone call; he'll panic if I'm not here to tell him I love him!

Onslow:
You go with Daisy. If a Bickerstaff rings, I'LL tell him you love him!

Emmet:
[after Hyacinth won't let him leave] We can't exactly be under house arrest... can we?

Daisy:
Are we going to get up?

Onslow:
You don't have to go to pieces just because it's a beautiful day!

Daisy:
[Rose comes in, wearing the negligee she was sleeping in, and Daisy is aghast] Will you put something on, our Rose? You'll be upsetting Onslow!

Onslow:
[Is trying to go back to sleep] No she won't, not this time of the morning.

Rose:
Dad's gone again, he left a note this time! [Reads the note] "Condition Red. Enemy aircraft approaching. Don't get up, I'll handle it. Have you seen my ration book?" - Dad

Daisy:
NOW we'll have to get up!

Onslow:
I'll kill your father...

Hyacinth:
Just think, if she keeps him, we could be sharing milk bottles! I will NOT share milk bottles with an illicit love nest!

Richard:
It's really none of our business...

Hyacinth:
Of COURSE it's my business, Elizabeth is my friend! I cannot stand idly by while she's sinking into moral turpitude!

Richard:
I still feel it's none of our business.

Hyacinth:
The tone of this neighborhood has always been my business! It is not without enormous effort on my part that this district has one of the most sought-after postal codes!

Emmet:
[Standing by the window] Liz, who's the idiot next door?

Elizabeth:
Oh, that's Richard. He's rather a dear, really.

Emmet:
A bit forgetful, isn't he? That's three times he's been back to the house.

Emmet:
Being married to Hyacinth, it's a miracle he goes back at all!

Richard:
She's not listening. How does she manage never to listen? I wish I could get the hang of it!

Elizabeth:
I've just been telling Emmet all about you. Emmet this is Richard. Richard, My brother Emmet.

Emmet:
Hello, Richard!

Elizabeth:
He'll be staying here for a while.

Richard:
I can't tell you how glad I am to hear that!

Emmet:
[Confused] That I shall be staying here for a while?

Richard:
No, that you're her brother!

Emmet:
I'm sorry?

Richard:
Well, Hyacinth was...

Hyacinth:
[Hastily] Oh, do stop babbling, Richard!

Richard:
[to Elizabeth] Forces over which I have no control are insisting that I speak to you!

Hyacinth:
Emmet is a musician, he teaches music! A classically trained musician!

Richard:
[Muttering] A classically trained musician...

Hyacinth:
Don't you realize what that means?

Richard:
Oh, about 25 pounds an hour, I should think.

Emmet:
[about Hyacinth] Is the woman always like that?

Daisy:
Daddy's nowhere round the block!

Rose:
Nobody's seen him!

Daisy:
Did our Hyacinth ring?

Onslow:
No.

Rose:
Did Mr. Bickerstaff ring?

Onslow:
Nobody rang.

Daisy:
I ASKED her to ring! Onslow, you'll have to get the car out, love. We'll have to go and tell her.

Rose:
What if Mr. Bickerstaff rings?

Daisy:
You can phone Mr. Bickerstaff at our Hyacinth's!

Onslow:
On her white, slimline, push-button telephone.

Hyacinth Bucket:
[First lines] So Kind of you to come at short notice, Vicar!

Michael the Vicar:
Not at all, Mrs. Buck... [Catches himself about to say Bucket instead of Bouquet]... Buckfast Abbey is a place I've never been to, you know.

Hyacinth Bucket:
Buckfast Abbey? Oh yes! Oh, we must visit. I'll organize a little outing.

Michael the Vicar:
[Panicked] I can't...

Hyacinth Bucket:
Can't?

Michael the Vicar:
[resigned]... tell you what that would mean to me, Mrs. Bouquet.

Hyacinth Bucket:
That's what friends are for, Vicar! Oh, incidentally, I'm sorry I had to ask you to remove your shoes. I usually only insist upon tradesmen doing that, but as you've probably noticed, we've just had our herringbone re-lacquered.

Michael the Vicar:
[Confused] I'm sorry?

Hyacinth Bucket:
Oh, please don't be. Although it's very expensive process, it only needs to be done occasionally.

Michael the Vicar:
[understands] Oh, the FLOOR! The woodblock.

Hyacinth Bucket:
That's right. It has a tendency to lose its gloss. I often wonder whether Her Majesty has the same problem.

Michael the Vicar:
[Discussing problems Hyacinth causes] I can never get the hang of the Bucket/Bouquet thing.

Elizabeth Warden:
I know what you mean. With me, it's coffee.

Michael the Vicar:
Oh, I can say coffee.

Elizabeth Warden:
Oh, I can SAY coffee, I just can't hold it still. It leaps about at Hyacinth's. Never happens anywhere else.

Daisy:
Who was that horrible thing you used to go out with before you met me?

Onslow:
I thought that WAS you!

Daisy:
No it wasn't! It was her from Coleman street!

Onslow:
[Remembers] Oh, Bernadette.

Daisy:
She looked more like a St. Bernard-ette!

Hyacinth Bucket:
Hello, dear. What did the doctor say?

Richard Bucket:
It's Athlete's Foot.

Hyacinth Bucket:
But it CAN'T be Athlete's Foot! Didn't you tell him you're a retired executive? If you've got anything, it's Executive's Foot!

Emmet Hawksworth:
[Looking out the window] Why is Richard limping?

Elizabeth Warden:
IS he limping?

Emmet Hawksworth:
Yes! He came up the drive like Short John Silver!

Richard Bucket:
[Hyacinth, still refusing to accept the "Athlete's Foot" diagnosis, is wrapping his infected foot in bandages] Do I... uh... do I really need that?

Hyacinth Bucket:
You do if you've got gout.

Richard Bucket:
Gout? But that's worse than a fungus infection!

Hyacinth Bucket:
Not in my book! Your gout is an affliction acceptable in the very highest circles. It comes from an excess of good living. Gout is practically a pedigree. [With finality] You have gout.

Onslow:
Honestly, the problems we have with your father! It's about time your Hyacinth had him under HER roof!

Daisy:
Oh, Onslow, he's not been THAT bad! We can't punish him like that - it would be inhuman!

Daisy:
When did you last see Father?

Rose:
I can't remember.

Daisy:
But you gave him his tea yesterday!

Rose:
I know! But I never look at him - I just sort of hold out the plate, and this hand grabs it. You know I don't like looking at him when he's eating!

Daisy:
Me neither...

Hyacinth Bucket:
[as Richard limps up the drive] Try to look dignified, dear. Let suffering become you!

Richard Bucket:
If suffering doesn't become me, I don't know WHO it becomes...

Daisy:
[On the phone] Now don't panic, Hyacinth. Father's fine... as far as we know. There's nothing wrong with him... I think.

Hyacinth Bucket:
[Still making Richard wear the gout bandages, which he took off to be able to drive but is finding it difficult all the same] Mind the bicycle.

Richard Bucket:
[Agitated] I DID mind the bicycle! I minded the bicycle by about a mile!

Hyacinth Bucket:
Why are you getting bad-tempered? I hope gout isn't making you bad-tempered. Mind the lorry.

Richard Bucket:
I'm perfectly aware of the lorry!

Hyacinth Bucket:
It is! Gout's making you irritable. I help you rise above a common fungus infection, and this is the thanks I get...

Richard Bucket:
You can drive with a fungus infection! You can't drive properly with a bare foot!

Hyacinth Bucket:
[Observing Onslow's trashy house and yard] And they say the third world's overseas...

Daisy:
Get the ladder, Onslow! [Shoves and drags him out the door]

Richard Bucket:
[Screams in pain as they pass by] AAAAH!

Hyacinth Bucket:
Ah, now THAT was convincing! Why couldn't you do it like that when Elizabeth and Emmett came to coffee?

Richard Bucket:
This was for REAL! They trod on my foot! The GOOD one!

Daisy:
What's wrong with Richard's foot?

Rose:
I asked her that.

Hyacinth Bucket:
Gout!

Rose:
It's an affliction that comes from good living.

Onslow:
I have a twinge meself, occasionally.

Hyacinth Bucket:
I doubt it, Onslow. You've probably got a fungus infection.

[last lines]

Richard Bucket:
This is not gout! This is a fungus infection! I want everyone to know that THIS IS A FUNGUS INFECTION!

Hyacinth:
Beautiful day, Elizabeth!

Elizabeth:
Yes. Isn't it.

Hyacinth:
Completely conducive to contemplating cosy charismatic country cottages!

Hyacinth:
You don't like my hats!

Richard:
Look, I di- I never said I didn't like your hats!

Hyacinth:
Richard, is this the first chink in our marriage? I've heard about men in mid-life crisis. Now I'm warning you, Richard, I will not have you being unfaithful to my hats!

[last lines]

Hyacinth:
[running away from sheep] Richard!

Emmet:
[about Hyacinth] That voice rips right through me. She could remove people's socks with a voice like that.

Richard:
Executive entertaining, that's more like you, Hyacinth. We're not really country material.

Hyacinth:
Oh, nonsense, dear! I shall develop a country version of my candlelight suppers. A sort of Ploughman's Soir?e.

[first lines]

Hyacinth:
[sits up in bed] If the Thorncliffs can have a little place in the country, why can't we? Mmh?

[slaps Richard]

Richard:
Bleuh.

[Richard wakes up]

Hyacinth:
I'm a country lover. You're a country lover.

Richard:
Not at this time in the morning.

Hyacinth:
I've always been a country lover.

Richard:
Since when? Grass doesn't behave like fitted carpet.

Hyacinth:
You know I love the country. We go on picnics.

Richard:
Yeah. With everything but the Royal Doulton and the silver teapot. We take tables, chairs, rugs.

Hyacinth:
I don't like the creepy-crawlies, though. But we'll find somewhere creepy-crawly-free. Oh, Richard, how exciting, our own little place in the country.

Richard:
Well, if you want a financial opinion, it'll have to be very little.

Rose:
[to Daisy] How do you spell "memoirs"?

Onslow:
[Pipes up] M-E-M-O-I-R-S.

Rose:
And I thought he was just a big idle slob!

Onslow:
He's a big idle slob that can spell!

the Yokel:
FANCY SOCKS!

Rose:
I am giving up the hurly-burly of the romantic jungle. I'm retiring from an active love life!

Onslow:
[corrects her] Overactive.

Hyacinth:
Richard, are you losing your nerve?

Richard:
Yes, it's gone completely!

Daisy:
They're always tall and handsome, romantic heroes. Never short and fat. I've never yet come across a heroine who's fallen for anybody short and fat. It's a bit unfair, really. Plus, it makes no account of the weird shapes we females actually fall for!

Hyacinth:
[as she and Richard are driving along] Watch out for other women.

Richard:
Where? Where?

Hyacinth:
Not here, dear. I mean in your midlife crisis. It's a time when men think of other women.

Richard:
Not me, Hyacinth, I assure you. For me, one woman is enough!

Emmet:
[Comes home from work] It's only me!

Elizabeth:
[Humming "Whistle While You Work"] Hello, brother mine!

Emmet:
You're particularly cheerful!

Elizabeth:
I've had a coffee-free morning! No Hyacinth!

Emmet:
[Starts to play the piano] Lucky you - how did you wangle that?

Elizabeth:
I didn't have to. She was going out, looking at property.

Emmet:
[Slams hands on Piano and whirls round, excited] Looking at property? Is that what she said?

Elizabeth:
I think that's what she said.

Emmet:
[Grabs her shoulders] Try to remember!

Elizabeth:
Emmet, you're shaking me!

Emmet:
[Stops] I'm sorry, Liz. But are you positive she said "looking at property?" [Elizabeth nods and he is elated] That... that mean's she's moving. Hyacinth is moving!

Elizabeth:
Well, I assumed it was for somebody else. She can't be moving.

Emmet:
Don't say that, Liz, not even in jest! Ye Gods, Hyacinth moving... I think this calls for a little drinky! [sallies off to the Kitchen, singing] Oh what a beautiful morning, Oh what a beautiful day...!

Elizabeth:
Emmet, relax! Hyacinth said they were looking at property. That's all I can tell you.

Emmet:
If she comes back here without finding a property, then... then we'll have to help her look for something!

Elizabeth:
How can we help her?

Emmet:
We'll circulate estate agents within a fifty mile radius. No, no, let's make that a hundred mile radius! We mustn't miss any opportunity to help. After all, what are neighbors for?

Elizabeth:
Emmet, we can't do that. We can't interfere with Hyacinth's choice.

Emmet:
I could. Especially when it's in such a good cause.

Elizabeth:
What good cause?

Emmet:
MY SANITY!

[first lines]

Hyacinth:
Listen to that. Doesn't he play beautifully!

The Neighbour:
Yes, he does.

Hyacinth:
Brahms, I think.

The Neighbour:
Mendelssohn, surely.

Hyacinth:
Hm? [laughs self-consciously] Just testing.

[the neighbour leaves]

Hyacinth:
Know-all.

[last lines]

Mrs. Fortescue:
You have very interesting relatives, Mrs. Bucket.

Hyacinth:
It's Bouquet. Yes, they are. Very... interesting.

[a man wearing a medieval dress waves at them]

Richard:
Wasn't that Bruce!

Hyacinth:
Keep your eyes on the road, dear.

Hyacinth:
Now, conversation: what do you usually talk about in the car?

Richard:
Well, I think you'll find that usually you talk and I listen.

Hyacinth:
[pause] Then let's not tamper with a winning system.

[talking on the phone with her sister Violet]

Hyacinth:
What's wrong with your husband, dear?

Hyacinth:
Whims and fancies. [chuckles] They all have their whims and fancies.

Hyacinth:
In what way is Bruce going strange?

Hyacinth:
[laughs] Well, I'm sorry, Violet, but I thought for a moment there that you said he wanted you both to dress up as Robin Hood and Maid Marian. [chuckles] Oh, he does want you both to dress up as Robin Hood and Maid Marian.

Hyacinth:
What do you mean I haven't heard the worst part?

Hyacinth:
He wants to be Maid Marian.

Hyacinth:
Watch the cyclist.

Richard:
I'm watching the cyclist.

Hyacinth:
She shouldn't be riding a bicycle wearing skirts as short as that.

Hyacinth:
[Richard is looking over to the side] Keep your eyes on the road, dear.

Richard:
[looking in the rear-view mirror] But you just told me to watch the cyclist.

Hyacinth:
Just watch the road.

Rose:
He always wears beautiful trousers. The first thing I noticed about him was his trousers.

Onslow:
To anyone who knows our Rose, this will come as no surprise.

Richard:
[outside the pub Mrs. Fortescue just went into] Isn't that Onslow's bicycle?

Hyacinth:
Oh goody. Yes, why not? Let it be Onslow's bicycle.

Richard:
[repeated line, regarding Mrs. Fortescue] She's lethal with that stick!

Hyacinth:
And you are?... Third private secretary? Who does one have to be to get through to two and one?

[first lines]

[Richard is shaving]

Hyacinth:
Breakfast's on the table, Richard!

Richard:
Early retirement.

Hyacinth:
[singing] Dee la dah la dee. Wear your best suit, dear. It is your last day. I want you to look particularly smart. After all, it's not everyone who gets offered early retirement. La dee, la dee. Swagger a bit. Put a bit of swank on. I'm the last person to put myself forward, as you know, but I do think it won't hurt the neighbours to see who's lucky enough to get early retirement round here. La dee.

Hyacinth:
Ah, yes! I thought I heard the milkman.

The Milkman:
How? I'd like to know how you heard the milkman. You must have radar.

Hyacinth:
No thank you, my usual two pints and the occasional yoghurt will be fine.

Hyacinth:
[about Mr. Henderson, the frozen food magnate] They say he's a millionaire, and all from dead chickens. Of course, I'm not one to be impressed merely by money, but I just happen to know that he's looking for someone to work with him in a senior capacity, and of course my Richard would be ideally qualified.

Elizabeth:
For dead chickens? I can't see Richard being very happy with dead chickens.

Hyacinth:
Oh no, dear, I don't think he'd actually be handling them. No, Richard would wear a suit and do something executive.

Elizabeth:
*Can* one do anything executive with dead chickens?

Hyacinth:
Well, he's done it with the Council all these years.

Rose:
I sometimes wonder if I ought to get married again. But it puts such a dampener on your love life.

Elizabeth:
I'm surprised you want my opinion, Hyacinth, about anything. I seem to go to pieces on these premises.

Hyacinth:
Do you, dear? That's nice.

Elizabeth:
You never listen anyway.

Hyacinth:
Have you? How interesting. Now look, I was wondering if I should press Mrs Henderson to take a little sherry with her light refreshments, or shall I stick to tea?

Elizabeth:
And you really value my opinion?

Hyacinth:
Certainly I do.

Elizabeth:
Well... [makes several false starts, then decides] I think tea.

Hyacinth:
No, you're wrong there, dear. I think sherry.

Rose:
[on the telephone] [giggles] Oh, Roger! I'm not that kind of girl.

Onslow:
How long is your Rose going to be lying on that telephone?

Daisy:
How should I know?

Rose:
Oh, that's a wicked thing to say, Roger, to a woman of my inexperience.

Onslow:
I hope he knows what he's letting himself in for, this poor prat.

Daisy:
You shouldn't listen in to other people's conversations.

Onslow:
She'll Rose him to death. It's inhuman.

[last lines]

Elizabeth:
Oh, Mrs Hen- Don't worry, Mrs Henderson. I'm sure she'll be back quite... soon.

Rose:
[Daisy is awake in bed reading but Onslow is still asleep, with the covers pulled over his head] How does Onslow breathe under there?

Daisy:
[Not too worried about it] Beats me.

Rose:
Do you sometimes find him turning blue?

Daisy:
Only his language, occasionally.

Rose:
Are you sure it IS Onslow? It could be a total stranger.

Daisy:
Never has been yet.

Rose:
[Onslow wakes up and sits up] Oh no. It is Onslow. You've lost again!

Elizabeth:
What are you doing?

Emmet:
I'm waiting for Hyacinth to go inside. Then I can safely go to work.

Elizabeth:
Oh, Emmet! All you have to do is say hello and don't stop.

Emmet:
Ha, you think so? She'll sing at me. She'll give me broad hints that I ought to use her in the Amateur Operatic Society. And my worst nightmare of all - she'll invite me to a candlelight supper!

Elizabeth:
Oh, Emmet, just pull yourself together.

Emmet:
[Peeks out the window] She's gone! I'm off!

Hyacinth:
[Seeing Emmet running down the street] Your brother's very fit, for his age!

Elizabeth:
Missed him, did you? Oh, he will be sorry.

Hyacinth:
Of course, I shan't let you have a beaker when you come back later for our more formal afternoon tea.

Elizabeth:
Later?

Hyacinth:
When you've tidied up, Dear.

Elizabeth:
Tidied up? I've almost finished my housework!

Hyacinth:
No, no, no. I don't mean the housework. I mean your hair.

Elizabeth:
[Checks her hair to see if it's messed up] It's same as always!

Hyacinth:
I thought you'd agree, Dear.

Elizabeth:
What's wrong with my hair?

Hyacinth:
Oh, there's nothing wrong, Dear. No, it just needs a little something.

Elizabeth:
Like what? [leans forward and accidentally spills her coffee]

Hyacinth:
Well, not THAT, Dear.

Elizabeth:
[Looking out the window. Shouts, surprised] Richard's just walked back into the house!

Emmet:
It IS his house, Liz.

Elizabeth:
No, no, no, he was supposed to be leaving for work! I don't think he knows which way he's going. He's been acting strangely ever since they gave him early retirement.

Emmet:
I should think he has, poor devil. Imagine, all day at home with Hyacinth, every day! I'd call Amnesty International.

Elizabeth:
He just kissed Hyacinth twice, and walked back into the house.

Emmet:
ANYONE who kisses Hyacinth twice is entitled to walk back into the house!

Hyacinth:
Well, be more careful in future, Richard. Locking me out like that...

Richard:
I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking.

Hyacinth:
I will not have you "not thinking" in front of the neighbors, Richard!

Richard:
I'm just a little confused, this morning.

Hyacinth:
Well, it seems so, Dear!

Richard:
But I'm all right, now.

Hyacinth:
Are you sure?

Richard:
Absolutely fine. [Gets in the car and starts it, then just sits there, staring blankly off into space]

Hyacinth:
[Waits, then when it's clear he's not going to move, goes and taps on the glass] Richard?

Richard:
[opens the door] Hello, Dear! What kind of day did you have?

Hyacinth:
[Pulls him out of the car] Richard, I think you ought to walk to work today.

Richard:
Oh, yes. I will. I'll walk this morning. [starts walking down the road in the wrong direction]

Hyacinth:
Richard! [Richard turns and walks the other way]

The Milkman:
[after Hyacinth complains about not knowing which cows her milk comes from] All the milk's been thoroughly tested, Mrs. Bouquet.

Hyacinth:
I should hope so! Just remember that at least two pints of it are destined for some very high-quality china!

Onslow:
Listen, Rose, if you're gonna start coming in at the crack of dawn, the least you could do is bring breakfast!

Rose:
But you never eat breakfast!

Daisy:
That's only because he tends to stay in bed until dinnertime.

Onslow:
On principle, I've got nothing against breakfast. I'd eat breakfast if somebody brought it, wouldn't I? It's not against my religion or anything.

Rose:
What IS against your religion?

Daisy:
Getting up before dinnertime! [She and Rose both laugh]

Onslow:
I notice YOU'RE still in bed.

Daisy:
A wife's place is beside her husband!

Elizabeth:
[as Hyacinth is cleaning up the spilled coffee and biscuits] Is there anything I can do?

Hyacinth:
No, of course not, dear... unless you'd like to wash the rug.

Richard's Boss:
Well, there's no point dragging out these farewell scenes. Always best to get them over as quickly as possible, I always say. [Gets up and shakes Richard's hand, leading him to the door at the same time] Well, goodbye, Richard, old boy. Think of us, when you're out there enjoying your freedom. Goodbye! [Goes back to his desk] Now, where was I?

Richard:
[comes back in] I could come in the odd afternoon.

Richard's Boss:
No, no. No, no, no. Make a clean break. Best way, I always think.

Richard:
Unless, of course, mornings would be better.

Richard's Boss:
Inside a week, you'll have forgotten all about us. Cheerio!

Richard:
I'll do anything. You won't have to keep me at my old grade!

Richard's Boss:
No. Look, I'm sorry, Richard.

Richard:
I mean, I don't think I'd be too proud to pop in for a potter, if you ever need a good potter...

Richard's Boss:
Yes, thank you, Richard!

Richard:
Mornings or afternoons. Mornings AND afternoons!

Richard's Boss:
Good-BYE, Richard!

Hyacinth:
I'm still waiting on an answer to my query.

The Milkman:
What query is that, Mrs. Bucket... [Hyacinth glowers at him] Bouquet?

Hyacinth:
[On the phone] Ah, finally! It's worse than trying to get through to British Rail Inquiries! Well, my business is confidential, so I wish to be put through to someone important. That is to say, not a minor functionary. I will NOT be fobbed off with a minor functionary!

Daisy:
[Answers the phone] Hello? Who? I'm sorry, I can't hear the phone for the television. [shouts so she can be heard over the TV] Onslow, I can't hear the phone call for the television!

Onslow:
Well, turn it down! That's the practical solution. Why is it women never think practically?

Daisy:
[to the phone, seething] Excuse me a moment, but there's a fault at this end and it won't get out of it's chair!

Hyacinth:
[When Roger and his dog show up in her driveway] What are you doing?

Roger:
It's all right, I've called for Rose.

Hyacinth:
Rose?

Roger:
Tell her it's Roger.

Hyacinth:
Rose isn't here. Please take that thing out of my driveway.

Roger:
"Thing"? I'll have you know this is a pedigree thing!

Hyacinth:
Will you kindly remove it? This is a private driveway, and I'm expecting company at any minute!

Roger:
[to the dog] Oh, come on, Olive. We'll come back when Rose's mother's gone away!

Elizabeth:
[When Hyacinth comes to the door she is wearing a nice dress] Hyacinth, I'm glad you've called. Now, you wanted me to be smart. Well, does this meet with your approval?

Hyacinth:
Yes, it looks fine, Dear. Will you give me a hand? Some fool's left half a camel or something on my driveway. I will not have it on my driveway when Mrs. Henderson arrives!

Elizabeth:
You want me to help move it dressed like this?

Hyacinth:
I don't think it'll care how you're dressed, dear. [They walk out to the Driveway and she gestures to the Newfoundland placidly sitting there] You see? Half a camel!

Elizabeth:
And a major half!

Hyacinth:
If we could just get it into the street...

Elizabeth:
CAN we just park it in the street?

Hyacinth:
Well, I've no money for a meter.

Elizabeth:
How are we going to manage this?

Hyacinth:
Well, I think the best thing is if you push, and I'll steer. Now just let me get a good grip. [She grabs the leash and Elizabeth goes around to push from behind] Now pay attention, dog! Off we go, then! [She tugs and Elizabeth pushes, with no success] Try pushing, dear!

Elizabeth:
I'm trying, Hyacinth! It seems to be an awful lot of dog!

[first lines]

Hyacinth:
You quite sure my milk went into a clean bottle? [he shows her his hands] Very good. I *do* like a milkman with clean fingernails. You may bring an extra yoghurt tomorrow. You see how cleanliness pays.

The Milkman:
An extra yoghurt. Wow! What flavour?

Hyacinth:
Surprise me.

The Milkman:
I'd love to.

Hyacinth:
[a dog barks] There's that dreadful dog again. He's always coming into my garden and making gestures.

The Milkman:
I can understand that.

Hyacinth:
Of course, if you hadn't been gardening you could have come in at the front.

Liz:
I had changed my shoes and washed my hands.

Hyacinth:
What I always do when I've been gardening is change my shoes and wash my hands.

[last lines]

Onslow:
Great idea of yours, Dicky, to drag me in here. Cheers.

Richard:
Cheers. Onslow, I-I-I don't want to be personal, but at the church hall just now, wasn't that Daisy?

Onslow:
Daisy?

Richard:
Your wife.

Onslow:
Oh, that Daisy.

Richard:
Didn't you think it was... funny?

Onslow:
Suppose I did really. I never knew she liked motorbikes.

Hyacinth:
*Do* sit down, Elizabeth; make yourself at home.

Hyacinth, Liz:
No, not there, dear. I like to face the window.

Hyacinth:
[to Rose, with Councilwoman Nugent at the door] If she asks after me, I am not here, I have never been here, and besides which I am of foreign extraction.

Hyacinth:
[with a fake foreign accent, through a mail slot to Councelwoman Nugent] I am a foreigner in your country.

[first lines]

Hyacinth:
Is that for me?

The Postman:
It says Bucket on the envelope.

Hyacinth:
It's Bouquet. B-U-C-K-E-T, Bouquet. The accent on the second syllable.

The Postman:
Well, it's for this address anyway. [he hands her the letter which she holds at arm's length] What's wrong now?

Hyacinth:
I never like to handle these things too freely until I've some idea who it's from.

The Postman:
Does it matter?

Hyacinth:
It matters enormously. Some total stranger my have licked this envelope, not to mention the stamp. There may be some prepared to gamble with their health, but I think a certain reserve is called for against the tongues of strangers.

Daisy:
She's a real organizer, our Hyacinth.

Onslow:
She's a real...

Daisy:
Onslow!

[last lines]

Richard:
I really must get back to the office.

Hyacinth:
And I to the charity shop, [to Onslow] where shirts are available at give-away prices.

Onslow:
Oh! You can give us a lift then.

Rose:
I've finished with men.

Hyacinth:
I wish you meant it.

Rose:
Oh, I do mean it; they're nothing but heartache and trouble!

Hyacinth:
I know what you mean. I can never get Richard to fold his pyjamas!

Hyacinth:
Please don't shout in that excitable manner outdoors, Richard. I don't like you getting excited outdoors.

Hyacinth:
We're going to have to emulsion this ceiling.

Richard:
We've just done it.

Hyacinth:
It's not a fit ceiling to bring a major under.

Rose:
What did she say?

Daisy:
She says not to go over to her place. She's coming here.

Rose:
Oh, that's all we need, a royal visit.

Daisy:
I don't know how you keep the pace, our Rose.

Rose:
It's not easy. If you relax for a minute they're going back to their wives. I envy you, our Daisy.

Daisy:
Me?

Rose:
It must be wonderful being married to a bum like your Onslow. So you can let yourself go completely.

Daisy:
I wouldn't say completely.

Onslow:
Near enough, completely.

Daisy:
I hate tidying up. I'm under the doctor for being dizzy. I'm sure it's tidying up.

Rose:
If you only got dizzy when you tidied up, you should have the clearest head in the area.

[outside Daisy and Onslow's house]

Richard Bucket:
Would you like me to lock the car?

Hyacinth:
I think so. Don't you? We're practically in Beirut.

Hyacinth:
Daddy would never be naked. Why would Daddy be naked when he's got his name down for a nice old person's bungalow?

Hyacinth:
[on the phone] No, you cannot have a number 24, nor a double portion of 37. This isn't the Chinese take-away. This is a private slimline white telephone with no connection whatsoever to any business or trade - especially not one of foreign extraction.

[last lines]

Richard:
Is the Major coming?

Hyacinth:
Yes, Richard, I do believe the Major will be coming. And it's a good job he is a major. If he was a sergeant, he wouldn't get a foot past the door.

[first lines]

Daisy:
We're going to have to tell our Hyacinth.

Rose:
Oh, God, not tonight. Tomorrow morning. I couldn't face Hyacinth, not tonight.

Hyacinth:
Do sit down, Elizabeth; make yourself at home. Oh, not there, dear, I like to face the window.

Richard:
[Hyacinth and Richard are preparing for Daisy's granddaughter's christening] At least they're bothering to have the little girl christened.

Hyacinth:
Kylie! What sort of a name is Kylie for a Christian person? It sounds like a foreign vegetable!

[first lines]

Richard:
Is this tie all right?

Hyacinth:
For where we're going, any tie's a novelty.

Richard:
It's no good being like that about it; it's a family occasion. The thing is to make the best of it. Anyway, I always think there's something rather nice about a christening.

Hyacinth:
There's something even nicer if there's been a wedding first.

Onslow:
[Onslow's car backfires as he pulls up] Made it, Vicar.

The Vicar:
Hello, Onslow, Daisy. You've still got the old bone-shaker, I see.

Onslow:
Aye. And the car's as bad as ever. [laughs]

[last lines]

The Vicar:
It's a lovely baby. Which one's the father?

Hyacinth:
Let's go into the church, shall we? Richard, don't dally.

Richard:
Hardly dallying, Hyacinth.

Hyacinth:
If we go in first, we can hide behind the pillar.

The Vicar:
Is it the tall one?

Hyacinth:
Well, at least it's stopped raining. Tell me, Vicar...

Daisy:
Can you please forget men today, Rose?

Rose:
All day!

Daisy:
Oh all right, just for the christening.

Onslow:
Is there any beer?

Daisy:
You're not having any beer till after the christening.

Onslow:
It's supposed to be a celebration, not a famine. Daisy, I really need a beer. On account of your Hyacinth will be here any minute.

Daisy:
You're right. We'll both have a beer.

[first lines]

Hyacinth:
Of course, I ought to visit Daddy.

Richard Bucket:
Oh, really?

Hyacinth:
It's my duty to visit Daddy.

Richard Bucket:
I suppose it is.

Hyacinth:
Have you ever known me shirk my duty?

Richard Bucket:
Not a single shirk.

Hyacinth:
Drive very slowly past number 23, I want her to see my hat.

Daisy:
I've just seen a car pull up. It's our Hyacinth.

Rose:
Oh, God!

Daisy:
Well, near enough.

Richard Bucket:
Will Rose be all right?

Onslow:
Rose'll be fine. Rose can handle wives. There's only one thing she handles more often and that's husbands.

Onslow:
Here, have you had a well-polished car through here, driver looking shell-shocked? Woman with a big hat?

The Car Park Attendant:
She was murder.

Onslow:
That's the one.

[last lines]

Hyacinth:
How was I to know that that was his Lordship? He looked like the gardener. He must be very low down on the aristocratic scale if he looks like a gardener. I think it's irresponsible. He's no right to look like a gardener.

Onslow:
[from an upstairs window] You've woken the dog!

Richard Bucket:
Morning, Onslow.

Hyacinth:
Don't say good morning to him when I've just been savaged by his dog.

Onslow:
Less noise, you daft b*tch. And that goes for you as well, dog.

Hyacinth:
Watch the lorry.

Richard:
Which lorry?

Hyacinth:
There you are, you see; you can't even see the lorry.

Richard:
Where is it?

Hyacinth:
Parked! Over there.

Richard:
Why should I watch a stationary lorry parked on the other side of a dual carriageway!

Hyacinth:
I don't think I like your tone, Richard.

Hyacinth:
How could my sister marry Onslow?

Richard:
Conceivably she loved him.

Hyacinth:
Don't be ridiculous! How can you love an Onslow? He sings on coach trips. I just pray I'm never seen here by people of our own social standing.

Daisy:
[a gypsy is at Daisy and Onslow's front door] It's bad luck not to buy something from a gypsy!

Onslow:
Bad luck? When we live like this, how can you be scared of bad luck?

Hyacinth:
I wish you wouldn't raise your arms like that, Richard. Not when you're overheated. It's very common out of doors.

Richard Bucket:
It's warm work, Hyacinth.

Hyacinth:
If you have to perspire, I wish you'd go into the back garden, so as not to disturb the people who respect us socially.

Hyacinth:
[on the phone] Rose, you will not commit suicide, I forbid it. No one in this family has ever committed suicide, and I'm sure we're not going to start on the day I'm having the new vicar for tea and light refreshments.

Hyacinth:
Richard! I will not have you waving in dirty gardening gloves.

Richard Bucket:
They get dirty when you're gardening, Hyacinth.

Hyacinth:
Can't you keep one pair for gardening and one pair for waving?

Hyacinth:
[on the phone] Rose, I know I asked the question, but I'm not standing here surrounded by expensive wallpaper to be given details like that.

Richard Bucket:
This suit?

Hyacinth:
Good grief, Richard, why do you always ask me? I don't determine what people wear.

Richard Bucket:
Do I take it that's a yes?

Hyacinth:
Can't you find a more religious tie?

Hyacinth:
Tell me what's wrong with Daddy.

Daisy:
He's missing.

Hyacinth:
Missing? Of course he's not missing. I suspect he's just mislaid.

Richard Bucket:
[to Hyacinth] Frivolity? Thirty years married, I can't remember a single frivol.

[first lines]

Hyacinth:
[on the telephone] Hello, is that the Wholesome Bakery? Now tell me, and I shall know if you're lying, are your fresh cream cakes really fresh? No need to take that attitude; this is a serious customer inquiry. My name is Bouquet, B-U-C-K-E-T. No, it's not Bucket, it's Bouquet. I wish to place a large order, a very important order. I have the new vicar calling this afternoon for tea and light refreshments, so how soon can you deliver? Yes, I know it's Saturday, and I'm very happy that you're busy. I can understand that you don't deliver just anywhere, but as I say I do have the new vicar coming for tea and light refreshments, and I want six fresh cream cakes. That is a large order. Hello? Hello? [clicks the cradle several times] Hoi polloi.

[last lines]

Hyacinth:
What a disaster to my tea and light refreshments.

Onslow:
I could murder some light refreshments.

Hyacinth:
If it wasn't for Sheridan's good news, I don't know what this day would have been.

Richard:
Good news from Sheridan?

Hyacinth:
He's moved in with a very suitable friend. They're making their own curtains. Apparently his friend's very good with a needle. He has prizes for embroidery. Well, you'd better come in and have some tea and light refreshments. [starts off then turns back] Onslow, before you come in, just shift this wreck next door, will you, dear?

Onslow:
[to Richard] Prizes for embroidery?

Richard:
Let's move the car, shall we, Onslow?

Hyacinth:
*Do* sit down, Elizabeth. No, not there, dear, I like to face the window.

Liz:
How is your father?

Hyacinth:
Oh, tragic! A brilliant IQ struggling with senility. Course, we ought to have him here, but he drops food everywhere.

Hyacinth:
[on the phone] No, you cannot have three of 22 and a portion of 19 with chips. This is not the Chinese take-away. This is a private slimline pearl white telephone with no oriental associations whatsoever!

Hyacinth:
I'd better answer that. It's probably somebody very important.

Hyacinth:
[on the phone, to Rose] Rose, I hope you're wearing something sensible for this telephone call. Yes, it always makes me very nervous to think I might be talking to a miniskirt.

Hyacinth:
Yes, I know you still have good legs, dear. I just wish you didn't wave them about so much.

[first lines]

Hyacinth:
[on the telephone] Oh, yes, yes, yes. [dusts the receiver] I do so agree, oh yes. Mmm. Oh! every time. You're quite right. Hmm. Your husband wants to do what? Ring the police! Oh, you're going away on holiday! For how long? A month. Lovely. Caribbean! Oh my word, how nice. Well, mind you don't over-indulge on the mangoes, and of course it's full of tourists, you know. [laughs] Anyway, happy hols. Bye-bye. [hangs up] Caribbean!

Hyacinth:
If there's one thing I can't stand, it's snobbery and one-upmanship. People who try to pretend they're superior. Makes it so much harder for those of us who really are.

Hyacinth:
You know what men are like. Richard still can't decide.

Elizabeth:
Oh! I thought somebody else made up his mind for him.

[last lines]

[Rose has fallen from a ladder into the vicar's arms]

The Vicar's Wife:
Michael! Oh, really!

Hyacinth:
May I show you my holiday brochures?

Rose:
[in response to Daisy's remark] Well, I'll get a longer skirt. I'll get a skirt that goes straight down to the floor.

Onslow:
I bet that one you're wearing's been right down to the floor a few times.

Hyacinth:
[answering the phone] The Brochure Residence... er

[laughs]

Hyacinth:
... the Bouquet Residence, the lady of the house speaking.

Richard:
I wish you wouldn't start polishing all the cutlery.

Hyacinth:
Very last year, the Caribbean, anyway.

The Waitress:
Two coffees. [notices Hyacinth polishing her fork] Are you having a meal?

Hyacinth:
I don't think so, thank you.

The Waitress:
Need a fork for your coffee, do you?

Hyacinth:
That's the last time I come here.

Richard:
Probably the last time they let us in.

[last lines]

Hyacinth:
[Hyacinth used their wedding date as the alarm code, but Richard used the wrong year and the alarm is sounding] Richard Bouquet! You've forgotten the date of our wedding!

[Hyacinth starts wailing, as the alarm continues to sound]

[first lines]

Hyacinth:
[sitting up in bed, to a sleeping Richard] Good morning, dear. [pause] I said: good morning, dear! [pause] Time to wake up on this our special day. [pause] I know what you're doing; you're pretending to have forgotten. But I know you better than that, Richard Bouquet. You have something in mind. You're going to surprise me. [kisses him]

Richard:
Unh. [waking] Are you up? What time is it? Are you smiling at me?

Hyacinth:
Of course I'm smiling at you.

Richard:
Well, why are you smiling at me?

Hyacinth:
I shall go and make some tea. A very good morning to you. [Hyacinth leaves the room]

Richard:
What have I done?

Hyacinth:
[about Richard] He's so thoughtful, bless his heart. A little bossy now and again, but so thoughtful.

Hyacinth:
You can tell the Postmaster General...

The Postman:
I don't see him that often.

Onslow:
If people can't penetrate unimportant surface issues, they're never gonna appreciate your fundamental qualities anyway.

Daisy:
What fundamental qualities?

Onslow:
I'm calm in a crisis. That's a fundamental quality.

Daisy:
Only because you're too bone idle to rush about in a panic

[first lines]

Hyacinth:
I think you should have turned left.

Richard:
I *did* turn left.

Hyacinth:
I distinctly told you to turn left.

Richard:
That's why I turned left; I'm no fool. It's easier to be lost than disobedient.

Hyacinth:
Richard! I hope the entire weekend isn't going to be spoiled by your rebellious manner.

Richard:
Rebellious. It's hardly mutiny on the Bounty.

Hyacinth:
Don't be silly, dear.

Receptionist:
Can I help you?

Hyacinth:
Mr and Mrs Richard Bouquet. We have a reservation.

Receptionist:
[checking her book] What was the name again, please?

Hyacinth:
Bouquet.

Richard:
Uh, that's spelled B-U-C K-E-T.

Receptionist:
Oh, Bucket! Oh yes, we have a Bucket.

Hyacinth:
Pronounced Bouquet, dear.

Hyacinth:
Do be careful with the luggage!

Porter:
Do be careful with the luggage; it's part of a very expensive matching set. [Hyacinth leaves]

Porter:
What does she think it is, alligator?

Porter:
Alligator! For her that would be a matching set.

Hyacinth:
These people look more our sort.

Richard:
How can you tell?

Hyacinth:
They're reading full-size newspapers. I could never strike up a conversation with anybody who reads the tabloids.

[last lines]

Richard:
Poor old Major. He was wounded. Somewhere east of Suez, I think.

Hyacinth:
I'm not surprised.

[long pause]

Hyacinth:
Though he did pay me a great compliment. Apparently I remind him of the governor's wife.

Hyacinth:
Do be careful with the luggage. It is part of a very expensive matching set.

Onslow:
[Hyacinth comes into view, fleeing from the Major's unwelcome advances and covered in mud and brush from the long run] What the heck...

Daisy:
What's happened to our Hyacinth?

Onslow:
At a rough guess, I'd say she'd been mauled by a bear!

Richard:
I like your Daisy. She's a very generous, warm soul.

Hyacinth:
I like my Daisy. I'm just not particularly fond of her cracked mugs.

[first lines]

Hyacinth:
[opening the door just as the postman is about to slip a letter through] Aaaaah! What have you got?

The Postman:
Heart failure. [hands her the letter]

Hyacinth:
Well, this can't be it. This is a bill; this isn't it. It *should* be on stiff white card from the Lord Chamberlain's Office.

The Postman:
What should?

Hyacinth:
Our invitation. To the Royal Garden Party. My husband has recently retired after a lifetime of devoted service to the community. Now, that means an invitation to the Royal Garden Party; bound to.

The Postman:
Oh, bound to.

Hyacinth:
Mr. Hislop at number 43 went to the Royal Garden Party last year, and he only drives a C registration. [the postman starts off] Are you sure there's nothing else in your bag?

The Postman:
Not for this address, Mrs. Bu... Bouquet.

Hyacinth:
Well, that's very strange. It must be lying about somewhere, lost in the depths of your sorting office.

The Postman:
Your husband retired, has he?

Hyacinth:
Mm-hmm.

The Postman:
Wow! If anybody deserves a garden party!

Hyacinth:
Exactly.

Hyacinth:
[looking for iron age remains and spotting a lump] It could be a Neanderthal barrow, Dear. It says in the guide book they had barrows. I expect they wheeled rocks about and things.

Hyacinth:
Mind the pothole in the road!

Richard:
Minding the pot'ole.

Hyacinth:
Do sit down, Elizabeth.

Elizabeth:
Which chair, Hyacinth?

Hyacinth:
Mmh?

Elizabeth:
I insist you point me to a chair.

Hyacinth:
[laughs] Good heavens, Elizabeth, sit where you like, dear. [Elizabeth sits on the sofa] Except there. I thought I might like to sit there.

Hyacinth:
I wish Rose would settle down and find a husband. One of her own, I mean, not somebody else's.

[last lines]

Rose:
Can I give you a hand, Vicar?

Hyacinth:
Mind the horse.

Richard Bucket:
It's in the field.

Rose:
[Yelling into the phone] You swine, Edgar! You promised me you'd finished with her! You said you couldn't STAND her! And the way she looks, I found that entirely believable! I BELIEVED YOU, EDGAR!

Onslow:
[to Daisy] Can you turn your Rose down a bit? I can't hear the telly!

Rose:
[Yelling into the phone] I'm hurt! You're TRAMPLING on me, Edgar!

Onslow:
[shouts] COULD HE TRAMPLE A BIT QUIETER?

Hyacinth:
[Richard is up a tree] Can you see anything now?

Richard:
I daren't look!

Hyacinth:
Come along, Richard! Use your eyes!

Richard:
I daren't even open them! I don't like heights!

Hyacinth:
[to herself] It's at times like these I miss my Sheridan...

Richard:
When did HE ever climb a tree?

Hyacinth:
He would for his mummy, dear! Richard, you're not all that high, dear!

Richard:
That's not the impression you get from up here!

Hyacinth:
[as they are driving back home] How could that hiker have the impertinence to think I was talking to a tree? He didn't believe you were up there at all! Why didn't you answer?

Richard:
I must have been totally engrossed in looking for Iron Age remains.

Daisy:
Why don't we have a second honeymoon?

Onslow:
I remember what happened the first time.

Daisy:
Me too. I remember what happened the first time.

Onslow:
We argued the all the time.

Daisy:
Not all the time

Onslow:
Nearly all the time. I couldn't get over that confession of yours!

Daisy:
Well, I thought it was only proper. If we were starting married life, we shouldn't have any secrets.

Onslow:
But what a time to spring it on a bloke. On his wedding night! I barely got started on all your new underwear and then you told me.

Daisy:
I thought it was a bit much, you getting straight up and going out for a long walk.

Onslow:
I had to think about things. I had to decide if I could live with it.

Daisy:
I can't think what was so bad about it!

Onslow:
You should have come clean about it before we got married.

Daisy:
You wouldn't have married me.

Onslow:
You were lucky I didn't divorce you.

Daisy:
It's not grounds for divorce.

Onslow:
Being a Liverpool supporter!

Hyacinth:
What about this new interest of his? The Workers' Revolutionary Vanguard. Is it really suitable, do you think? With Sheridan's education and background, surely he ought be in the Executives' Revolutionary Vanguard.

[first lines]

Hyacinth:
Good-bye, Sheridan! I do wish he'd reconsider wearing a vest. I used to so enjoy ironing his little vests. [turns] Ah, the postman.

The Postman:
Good morning, Mrs Bouquet, ah, Bucket... ah, Bouquet.

Hyacinth:
That was Sheridan.

The Postman:
Oh, really?

Hyacinth:
My son.

The Postman:
Oh, Sheridan Bouquet.

Hyacinth:
Exactly. He's at university, you know.

The Postman:
No, I didn't, actually.

Hyacinth:
They grow up so quickly. Do you have children?

The Postman:
Uh, seven.

Hyacinth:
Seven!

The Postman:
[counts on his fingers] Yeah.

Hyacinth:
Quite an achievement when you have to be up so early. It's a mercy you're on foot and not on a bicycle.

Hyacinth:
Mind that pedestrian.

Elizabeth:
Is there a pedestrian?

Hyacinth:
Good heavens, Elizabeth, can't you see, dear?

Elizabeth:
Well, there's no-one in the road.

Hyacinth:
Not in the road. On the pavement.

Elizabeth:
I usually miss the ones on the pavement.

[last lines]

Onslow:
I like the country.

Daisy:
Mmm.

Onslow:
There's never a dull moment.

Real Estate Agent:
And this is known as the Lake Room.

Hyacinth:
Oh! Oh, what a lovely view. Is that a river out there?

Real Estate Agent:
It's a lake.

Hyacinth:
Really!

Richard:
We're looking for a little country cottage. You'll buy something huge; I know you will! You'll buy something we can't afford!

Hyacinth:
What have I ever presented you with that we can't afford?

Richard:
Well, Sheridan for a start.

The Constable:
[leaving Hyacinth's] That was a rare experience. Always like that?

Elizabeth:
Fairly consistently.

The Constable:
Her father's a bit... as well.

[first lines]

The Constable:
Is this the Bucket residence?

Elizabeth:
Well, there are two schools of thought about that. *She* pronounces it Bouquet.

The Constable:
But it's spelt 'Bucket'.

[Elizabeth smiles and nods]

Daisy:
Come on, Onslow! I'd help you find YOUR father!

Onslow:
Well, that's easy. We know where he is. He's been dead for 12 years!

Richard:
[When Daddy tries to blow his bugle] NO! Don't even think about it!

Emmet:
[When Elizabeth is jumping to do Hyacinth's bidding he is upset, until he finds out it's because she needs help finding a property] She's still looking! Oh, thank heavens you didn't say no!

Elizabeth:
I thought you WANTED me to say no!

Emmet:
Not when it's in such a good cause. Now, listen carefully. Pay attention; don't let her come back here without a property!

Emmet:
[of Hyacinth, to Elizabeth] She jerks your string, and off you go!

[first lines]

Hyacinth:
Is that the water board?

Hyacinth:
Then I'd like to speak to someone in charge. My name is Bouquet.

Hyacinth:
Yes, I'll spell it. B-U-C-K-E-T.

Hyacinth:
No, it's Bouquet. I want whoever you've got there in a managerial capacity.

Hyacinth:
Well, it could be an emergency; I'm not sure, that's what I want to find out.

Hyacinth:
Yes, I'll wait.

Hyacinth:
Hello! No, it's Bouquet.

Hyacinth:
Nah, I didn't say it was an emergency.

Hyacinth:
Well, how am I supposed to recognize if it's an emergency? That's what I expect you to tell me.

Hyacinth:
What do you mean it's my water?

Hyacinth:
That's the very point. Is it my water? When I turned on my tap this morning it didn't look like my water. It's not as bright and sparkling as I'm accustomed to. It looks to me as if it's been used. Are you changing my supply? Because if you are I shall want a detailed explanation of where it comes from.

Hyacinth:
Ah, please don't take that tone with me. I expect my former water to be restored immediately. A bathroom with gold-plated taps is no place for you to be trying to off-load second-hand water. I must warn you, my husband is a power in local authority, a man at the height of his executive skills, and I shall have no hesita- Hello. [hits the switchhook several times] Hello! [bangs the receiver down] Upstart plumber.

Richard:
How wealthy is Rose's gentleman friend?

Hyacinth:
He's Greek, dear. Marinopolous. You must have heard the name; he's always in the gossip columns or the financial press - oil tankers and things.

Richard:
That was Onassis.

Hyacinth:
Mm? No, there's another one.

Richard:
Mar-in-o-pou-los?

Hyacinth:
Yes, I'm sure it was.

Hyacinth:
[on the telephone] Violet, I'm sorry, dear, but I haven't time today for all this. I have a very full social calendar. It's Onslow's birthday party tomorrow, and cocktails with a Greek shipping millionaire.

Hyacinth:
No, I know I've never mentioned any Greek millionaire to you, dear, but I'm not the sort of person who brags about her social connections.

[last lines]

Richard:
Hyacinth, why does that hearse keep going round and round?

Hyacinth:
I'll tell you later, but this much I'll tell you now: there's a pair of cuff-links that's going back to the jeweller's first thing in the morning. Happy birthday, Onslow.

Elizabeth:
[of Hyacinth and Richard] They're a very close couple.

Emmet:
Of course they're close. She has him on a lead.

Elizabeth:
Are there any other Greeks coming?

Hyacinth:
Hmmm? Oh, no, dear. They break plates. He may have a tanker in every port, but I'm not sacrificing my Royal Doulton with the hand-painted periwinkles.

[pause]

Hyacinth:
There aren't that many left.

His wife:
[talking to Hyacinth on the phone, trying to get out of going to have pre-luncheon cocktails] Of course we'd love to come... But the Vicar will be heavily engaged tomorrow. He's visiting a very old, sick parishioner... No, I don't think we could do that. I don't think we could bring her and leave her outside.

[last lines]

Hyacinth:
Elizabeth! Would you telephone the Emergency Services!

[first lines]

Hyacinth:
Richard. Is there any sign of our new furniture yet, dear?

Richard:
Not yet.

Hyacinth:
Ohhh. Ohhh, Richard, I feel it's so appropriate, our owning a place like this.

Richard:
All we own is a small apartment, and when I say small, I mean micro.

Hyacinth:
We are part owners of a mansion; that's all anyone need know. It's so lower middle class to go into details.

Richard:
The detail that concerns me is now that we've bought the place, how are we going to afford it?

Hyacinth:
Such a good address, dear. You know these things aren't primary with me, but there are people who go quite dizzy rubbing shoulders with the county elite.

Hyacinth:
[she and Richard are trapped, chest-to-chest, between two cabinets in a room far too small for them] Are you going left or right?

Richard:
At the moment I don't seem to be going anywhere at all!

Hyacinth:
I don't like this level of intimacy, Richard. I don't think it's appropriate at our age. Would you please remove yourself from my person?

Elizabeth Warden:
Emmet, you are wicked!

Emmet Hawksworth:
I know. Isn't it delicious!

Hyacinth:
[the first time she attempts to ride] Now listen, horse. I am not a person to be trifled with.

Emmet Hawksworth:
I love the thought of Hyacinth somewhere out there in the country. Pity it has to be THIS country, but still...

Richard:
Why not just tell them that we can't ride?

Hyacinth:
I don't know that I can't ride. I've never tried. There's every possibility that I might ride beautifully - the clothes fit.

Hyacinth:
[after Emmet has gotten his head stuck in a hole in the wall] Remain calm, Emmet!

Emmet Hawksworth:
[shriek] I AM CALM, HYACINTH!

Hyacinth:
Shhhh!

Emmet Hawksworth:
[whispered shriek] Under the circumstances, I think I am being exceptionally calm!

The Milkman:
[On the porch of the Warden's house, sees the postman sneaking up to the Bucket's house and calls out to him] Relax, mate!

The Postman:
[Startled] Aaaah!

The Milkman:
No milk this morning.

The Postman:
She's not in?

The Milkman:
Gone away, ain't they?

The Postman:
[Shakes his hand heartily] You've made my day!

Hyacinth:
[Richard is having difficulty walking in his new riding boots] Come along, Richard - keep up, dear.

Richard:
I feel as if my legs are stuck in two drainpipes!

Emmet Hawksworth:
[Hyacinth's horse won't budge despite repeated efforts on her part] Perhaps you left the brake on, Hyacinth!

Hyacinth:
Hmmm? [Cracks up everyone else by actually looking for a brake]

Richard:
In films, when they want to start a horse, they slap it on the rump.

Richard:
Well, try it gently, dear. Remember, I'm not Roy Rogers!

Hyacinth:
Now imagine it's the middle of the night. All right? [No answer] Richard, why aren't you answering?

Richard:
I'm imagining I'm asleep and can't hear you.

The Missionary:
[a young Jehovah's witness is leaving Hyacinth's house] I've only ever had to remove my shoes once before.

Hyacinth:
Oh?

The Missionary:
And that was in a mosque. And then, the sermon was shorter!

[first lines]

Emmet:
[singing] Ba-dum pum-pum pum pa-dum pum-pum pum pum ba-dum pa pum-pum-pum

Elizabeth:
What's amusing you?

Emmet:
Nothing.

Elizabeth:
You got rid of that young missionary very quickly.

Emmet:
No problem. I sent him next door.

Elizabeth:
To Hyacinth! You didn't!

Emmet:
If anyone needs a little Christian missioning, it's Hyacinth.

Elizabeth:
I know. But think of the poor missionary!

Hyacinth:
I think it's terribly careless of you, Daisy, to lose Daddy.

Daisy:
Nobody's perfect.

Onslow:
You can't keep 'em in if they want to roam. We had a bull terrier who was just the same.

Hyacinth:
I don't think I care for that comparison, Onslow.

Daisy:
It cured him when we had him doctored.

Hyacinth:
Or that one.

Onslow:
Well, we had to stop him biting the postwoman.

[last lines]

Hyacinth:
I think what we'll do is to take Daddy in this direction. He's always liked this direction.

Hyacinth:
I one caught Richard playing with a frizbee. He says it was one he'd found, but I've never been sure. Sometimes, on sleepless nights, when my head's swimming with the responsibilities of organizing another candlelight supper, sometimes I wonder: did he *buy* the frizbee?

Onslow:
She's your sister - you tell her.

Daisy:
It's your fault we lost him. YOU tell her!

Onslow:
How come it was my fault? You're the one that left him in the street.

Daisy:
Because I had to go into the bookie's, looking for YOU!

Onslow:
I don't know what you're panicking for, anyway...

Daisy:
Because I've lost my FATHER! THAT'S why!

Daisy:
[at Hyacinth's house] You can see your face in this sink! [looks at her reflection]... Unfortunately.

the Registrar:
[Hyacinth's father is in the Registry office but has nodded off, and the registrar is trying to wake him. But Hyacinth thinks she is the woman her father went there to marry] Can you give me a hand with him?

Hyacinth:
Madam, I will not lift a FINGER to assist you towards matrimony with this man! He's in no fit condition to be...

the Registrar:
Now, let's not get excited. I think he's just asleep.

Hyacinth:
You ought to be ashamed of yourself! Forcing Daddy into marriage, when you can see how uninterested he is in the demands of the flesh!

the Registrar:
[to Richard] What is she talking about?

Richard Bucket:
Listen, if it's all the same to you, I ought to be getting back. I had to leave a meeting.

Hyacinth:
But you can't go now, Richard! I want you to prefer charges against this woman!

Richard Bucket:
On what grounds?

Hyacinth:
Kidnapping! [to the stunned registrar] If I hadn't arrived in the nick of time, you'd have whipped him away into wedlock!

the Registrar:
Oh what is the woman talking about... Madam, I AM THE REGISTRAR!

[first lines]

[Hyacinth has been looking out of the window using binoculars]

Hyacinth:
He's gone to Thirty-Five.

Richard:
Uh, who has?

Hyacinth:
The postman! That's every day this week he's been to Thirty-Five. He's bound to have something for us this morning.

Richard:
Well, if he has, he'll deliver it; if not, he'll go past again.

Hyacinth:
I won't have him walking past again. Not when he's been every day to number Thirty-Five.

Richard:
I like him walking past; another day without a bill. Huh. I feel quite festive every time he walks past.

Hyacinth:
*I* have to hold my head up in this community. I'm looked up to. What are they going to think if I go three days without mail?

Richard:
It's probably only junk mail going to Thirty-Five.

Hyacinth:
Richard, that is neither here nor there. I will not have my junk mail going to other people's houses.

Elizabeth:
I wish you luck.

Emmet:
I don't need luck. It's not a question of luck. It's simply a question of telling her we're not going.

Elizabeth:
Exactly. I wish you luck.

[first lines]

Hyacinth:
You see, no traffic. I told you we'd do better on the country roads.

Hyacinth:
You're in a very funny mood today, Richard Bouquet. I can hear you thinking again.

Richard:
And it's not Bouquet, it's Bucket. It was always Bucket 'til I met you.

Hyacinth:
Don't let's go through all that again.

Hyacinth:
Riparian!

Richard:
What! What, what!

Hyacinth:
Riparian! That's the word I've been looking for, and I've found it in Sheridan's dictionary.

Richard:
Oh God, I thought we had burglars.

Hyacinth:
It means 'of the river bank'.

Richard:
Oh, fascinating. Well, what do you want with a word like 'riparian', especially at this time of night?

Hyacinth:
Because I have to issue invitations... to my waterside supper with riparian entertainments.

Richard:
Oh, you, you mean a riverside picnic.

Hyacinth:
No! I do *not* mean riverside picnic, Richard. I mean waterside supper with riparian entertainments.

Hyacinth:
Now, where are the prawns? [calls out] Where are the prawns?

Emmet:
The prawns are here. The prawns are tying the furniture to the roof.

Elizabeth:
Quiet, Emmet, she'll hear you.

Emmet:
If she does it'll be for the first time. She *never* listens.

Hyacinth:
It's my sister Violet. She's the one with the Mercedes, sauna and a musical bidet... Classical, of course.

Hyacinth:
Ahoy there, Lock-keeper. I must warn you that we've sailed on the QE II. As an experienced mariner, I'm not prepared to wait down here indefinitely. There must be a quicker way to go.

The lock-keeper:
You could try going over the weir.

Hyacinth:
What do you think, Richard? Should we try going over the weir?

[last lines]

Onslow:
They've thrown her in. I bet somebody's just snapped. Just look at that stiff upper lip. You've got to admire that stiff upper lip.

Hyacinth:
Please be very careful of my matching executive luggage with the genuine leather embelishments and initials

[at Southampton Airport check-in desk]

Hyacinth:
Could you ask our captain to go a little faster and land a little earlier? My husband would tip him handsomely.

Richard Bucket:
No!

The check in girl:
Can I ask you some questions about your baggage, madam?

Hyacinth:
Of course, isn't it smart! I suppose you want to know where I bought it.

Hyacinth:
Now listen to me, my good man. Important as I am in local circles, I have not yet risen to the level where I can walk on water.

Onslow:
[speaking to Hyacinth] So then, this purser chap came up to the cabin and said we're on the captain's table. And I thought "Blimey!" I mean, you win a competition, you get a luxury cruise, and then they expect you to eat with the crew!

Daisy:
I thought boiler rooms were full of sweaty men with dirty handkerchiefs.

Onslow:
Nah, that's the betting shop.

[first lines]

Hyacinth:
[answering the telephone] The Bouquet residence; the lady of the house speaking.

Hyacinth:
Do I sound like a Chinese takeaway?

Hyacinth:
I am a highly desirable private residence in an area of outstanding natural property values. And I'm waiting for your apology. Unless of course the thought of bean shoots and crispy wonton have totally stir-fried your basic humanity. And kindly clear this line. There are people of substance in this community who are probably queuing to ring me at this very moment.

Hyacinth:
Your suggestion is noted, but I see little practical merit in having the telephone up my jumper.

Rose:
That's it. Finished. No more men. Enough's enough. In the end they all deceive you. After all I've done for that swine, to leave me for another woman. I don't care if she *is* his wife.

Hyacinth:
[holding up two dresses] Which shall I wear, dear?

Richard:
Oh, I wish you wouldn't give me that kind of responsibility.

Hyacinth:
You know I value your opinion, Richard.

Richard:
Since when?

Hyacinth:
I'll wear this one.

Richard:
Glad I sorted than out for you.

Hyacinth:
Richard, how do I look, dear?

Richard:
I keep seeing you as a kind of recurring motif running through my early retirement.

Hyacinth:
That's nice, dear. And the hat? How's the hat?

Richard:
Yes, that too.

[last lines]

The Vicar's Wife:
[discovers Rose lying on top of the vicar] Well!

Rose:
It's all right; I'm going to be a nun.

[the vicar steps outside, sees Hyacinth and comes back into the vicarage]

The Vicar's Wife:
Oh, that was quick.

The Vicar:
You said keep away from the ladies.

The Vicar's Wife:
[she looks outside] Oh, I see. I meant keep away from all of them, not just that one.

The Vicar:
Tell her I've been called away.

The Vicar's Wife:
Where to?

The Vicar:
Vladivostok.

Hyacinth:
Rose! Have you been drinking?

Rose:
I haven't been drinking. I took a pill. And it seems to have gone straight to me knees.

Hyacinth:
I wish you could say the same about your skirt.

Rose:
[Drunkenly, as Hyacinth tries to restrain her] I want to be a nun! Put me down; I want to be a nun!

Hyacinth:
Richard, give me a hand!

Richard:
Funny how you mishear things. I could have sworn she said she wanted to be a nun!

Rose:
I do! I DO!

Hyacinth:
[She and Richard are struggling, and failing, to keep a staggering Rose upright] Try to stay on your feet!

Rose:
[Drunkenly] Knees! If I'm going to be a nun, I should be on me knees!

Richard:
It's ME who'll be on my knees!

Rose:
Oh! Richard wants to be a nun, too!

Hyacinth:
Where exactly are you going? Is it far?

Elizabeth:
No, not far...

Hyacinth:
That's very mysterious! Is it a very interesting "not far"?

Rose:
I'm taking the veil - I'm going to be a nun.

Daisy:
Your skirt's too short!

Emmet:
[to Elizabeth] If she comes out, she'll want to know where we're going. You'll tell her, because you can't lie. Why is it, you're a grown woman and can't lie?

Elizabeth:
Be fair to her. She's got a rich, strong voice.

Emmet:
It's not the voice, it's who's in charge of it!

Hyacinth:
Judging by the length of the skirt, it must be Rose under that veil!

Richard:
[Speaking of Rose] How many pills did she TAKE?

Rose:
[Drunkenly, laughing] I'll tell you something... this being a nun makes you feel really good! I feel uplifted!

Elizabeth:
I had to tell her! I mean, you were there - one more hesitation, she'd have torn out my fingernails!

[first lines]

Hyacinth:
I wish you'd smile more when you're gardening, Richard. [with a smile, she mimes trimming a branch]

Richard:
If I do *that* they're going to lock me away.

Hyacinth:
Try to look as though you're enjoying it, dear.

Richard:
But I don't particularly enjoy it. It's just something that has to be done.

Hyacinth:
Well, that's how it appears.

Richard:
The garden looks well enough.

Hyacinth:
Oh, it's not the garden dear; it's *you*. You look as though you're not enjoying doing it. Which gives the impression that we can't afford a gardener.

Richard:
We can't afford a gardener.

Hyacinth:
Shh, Richard! Keep your voice down, dear. *If* we can't afford a gardener, that's all the more reason why we should look as though we *can* afford a gardener. So in future, could you look like someone who enjoys doing his own gardening but could afford a gardener if he wanted to.

Elizabeth:
When is Richard ever alone?

Emmet:
Precisely, Liz! Maybe I could sneak him off for a quiet drink somewhere. Give the poor devil a break.

Elizabeth:
I'm sure he'd enjoy that.

Emmet:
The trick is trying to get him free from the clutches of "the Creature from the Black Lagoon". Frankenstein created a monster... and it sings!

Onslow:
Did you shuffle these cards?

Daisy:
I'm a good shuffler.

Onslow:
That's in bed.

Daisy:
How would you know? You're never awake.

Rose:
That's what I miss: a little companionship in my lonely bed.

Onslow:
No wonder yours is a lonely bed; you're always in somebody else's.

The Vicar's Wife:
You're in a good mood.

The Vicar:
Why not? [takes mug of tea] Thank you. It's been almost like a holiday. A little holiday. An entire week without a Bucket.

The Vicar's Wife:
A bucket?

The Vicar:
The dreaded Bucket!

The Vicar's Wife:
Oh, that one.

The Vicar:
You know, my job is not without its satisfactions. People come in dismay and despair, and sometimes you can help.

The Vicar's Wife:
This one really needs help.

The Vicar:
Well, I'll certainly do my best.

The Vicar's Wife:
It's the Bucket woman.

The Vicar:
Tell her I've gone away. To China.

The Vicar's Wife:
Well, what part of China?

The Vicar:
What the devil does it matter what part of China!

The Vicar's Wife:
It'll matter to her. She'll only be impressed if it's a smart part.

[last lines]

Hyacinth:
Richard, follow that sister!

[first lines]

Hyacinth:
[on telephone] La dee. Hello! Museum and Art Gallery?... Could I speak to the curator, please?... Yes, of course it's important. My name is Bouquet, B-U-C-K-E-T. Yes, I'll hold.

Richard:
I'm back!

Hyacinth:
Shoes, dear!

Richard:
Yes, dear,

Hyacinth:
Hello!... He's not available?... Gone to an art exhibition?... Well, couldn't he do that sort of thing in his own time?... Look, my husband and I have been invited this evening to the preview of a private exhibition with cheese and wine, and I need some tips on art appreciation... Well, yes, of course I appreciate it as my son Sheridan will testify. I don't care for the modern rubbish, but I do like a frame that doesn't gather dust. You see, I... wha... I... Hello! [clicks the hook several times] Hello! [hangs up] Philistines.

Hyacinth:
What are you reading, dear?

Richard:
Well, I'm not so much reading as browsing through the pictures. You wanted me to become familiar with art.

Hyacinth:
Not that familiar!

[she grabs the book away]

Richard:
But they're not all like that.

Hyacinth:
I should hope not!

Richard:
I was just picking up a few points here and there.

Hyacinth:
I appreciate that, Richard, but what I'm going to be wearing is far more important than what they're not.

[last lines]

Hyacinth:
Gone!

Richard:
He must have gone inside.

Hyacinth:
Inside! Oh, I think I'd rather he'd joined the Legion. Richard, it may be necessary socially to introduce him as your father.

Richard:
My father!

Hyacinth:
Just for this evening of course. I couldn't bear to lose Daddy for any longer than that.

Richard:
But, Hyacinth...

Hyacinth:
No, promise me that you will be kind to Daddy while he's yours, won't you. I hope it's all flowers and sunsets. I rely on you, Richard, to keep Daddy away from any nudes.

Rose:
I think it's so beautiful...

Daisy:
Father's run off, and you think it's beautiful?

Rose:
Well it's so romantic that he should run away at his age, all for the love of Mrs. Clayton!

Onslow:
She seems to have that effect on people. Didn't Mr. Clayton leg it away as fast as he could go?

Daisy:
[Onslow just woke up and she's trying to have a sensible conversation with him but failing] Onslow, where do go to join the Legion?

Onslow:
Cooper Street.

Daisy:
Not the British Legion! The French Foreign Legion!

Onslow:
They'll never take you - it's only for fellas!

Rose:
Sounds like it might be worth a try...

Daisy:
It's not for ME, you fool! It's for FATHER! He's gone to join the French Foreign Legion!

Onslow:
He'll never get through the medical!

Emmet Hawksworth:
[wistfully] I wouldn't have minded going to the art exhibition this evening...

Elizabeth Warden:
I thought we WERE going!

Emmet Hawksworth:
But Hyacinth is going!

Elizabeth Warden:
Emmet, you can't stop going places just because Hyacinth might be there!

Emmet Hawksworth:
Oh yes I can. That strikes me as a VERY sensible plan.

Elizabeth Warden:
[after Hyacinth ignores her declining of an invitation to coffee] It's like talking to brick! Words just bounce off!

Emmet Hawksworth:
[Thinks he has the solution] Don't go.

Elizabeth Warden:
...No, she'll only come round to get me.

Emmet Hawksworth:
GO!

The Vicar:
Mrs Bucket... Bouquet has an extremely powerful voice.

Richard:
Look at the practice it gets.

The Vicar:
How do you manage?

Richard:
It's like the army: you just follow orders; every move is worked out for you, and your meals appear on time.

The Vicar:
They only sign on for twenty years.

Richard:
They're rehearsing 'The Boy Friend'.

Hyacinth:
And you didn't tell me!

Richard:
Hyacinth, we've been married all these years; I've never been able to tell you anything.

Emmet:
No! Tell her I've become allergic to coffee. Tell her I've just gone down with rigor mortis. Tell her I've gone to Greenland. Tell her I've - aah, now, that's a good idea. Why don't I go to Greenland?

Elizabeth:
Well, get the place warm and I'll follow you.

Emmet:
Oh no, it's no good. Even if I got to Greenland, I expect the first Eskimo I came across would be holding candlelight suppers.

Hyacinth:
Poor Daddy. Once he's better we'll have him over. One afternoon. For tea and light refreshments. In the garden. The back garden, of course.

[last lines]

Hyacinth:
Mind the bus!

Richard:
I think you lost interest in me once you had Sheridan.

Hyacinth:
Oh, don't be silly, dear. How can you say that? Who was it stuck by you when you wanted to join the History Book Club? Who always made sure you had plenty to read?

Richard:
But you don't think that I'm growing more and more attractive, do you?

Hyacinth:
Good heavens, no! [laughs]

[first lines]

Hyacinth:
Ah, Vicar!

[the Vicar falls off his bike]

Hyacinth:
Good morning, Vicar. How nice of you to drop by for a chat.

Richard:
[yelling from the stoop] Hyacinth! Telephone/

Hyacinth:
Shhh! Please don't shout in the street, Richard!

Hyacinth:
Mind that old lady.

Richard Bucket:
Where was the old lady?

Hyacinth:
Going into that shop.

Richard Bucket:
Did you think I was going to ram-raid the shop?

[first lines]

Hyacinth:
[answering the telephone] The Bouquet residence, the lady of the house speaking.

Hyacinth:
You are whom? Actually, I think that should be 'who'. You are who?

Hyacinth:
The Department of Refuse Service Offices? Oh, you mean the rubbish people.

Hyacinth:
Yes, I am the lady who's been ringing all week with a complaint. Yes, thank you for finally retuning my call.

Hyacinth:
My complaint is about your dustbin lorries.

Hyacinth:
All right, your collection vehicles. They will keep passing down my avenue. Now I don't mind them coming on Tuesday because that's when I put my dustbin out. But I wish you would forbid them to pass down my avenue on other days. It gives the impression that I specialize in superfluous amounts of garbage.

Hyacinth:
Oh, I know what they're doing; they're taking the short cut, and I'd like you to do something about it.

Hyacinth:
Well, if that's your excuse I wouldn't even put it in a black plastic bag and stuff it in a dustbin. Hello. Hello. [clicks the hook several times] Hello. [hangs up] Bolshie binman.

Daisy:
You never noticed when I got that new nightie.

Onslow:
Let me give you a tiny word of advice, Daise. Now, you'll not find this in your romantic novels, but if you're going to wear a see-through nightie, don't wear a vest!

Hyacinth:
Don't grunt when you polish, Richard. I can hear you breathing, dear. I don't think it's quite nice to hear people breathing. You'd think by now evolution would have replaced our unfortunate bodily functions with something a little more tasteful. I suppose it was perfectly adequate for primitive peoples, but really.

Richard:
Well, we are merely mammals, after all.

Hyacinth:
Richard! What a thing to say to somebody with a solid silver self-cleaning sauce separator.

Elizabeth:
There comes to us all in this area, not only the certainty of death & taxes, but periodically one of Hyacinth's candlelight suppers!

Hyacinth:
[the doorbell rings] Richard, our guests have arrived!

Rose:
You expecting company?

Hyacinth:
Oh, it's just Elizabeth from next door and her brother Emmet.

Rose:
Oh, I didn't know she had a brother.

Hyacinth:
Yes, he's recovering from rather a bad divorce.

Rose:
Oh, divorced, is he?

[Elizabeth enters with Emmet]

Elizabeth:
How are you, Hyacinth?

Hyacinth:
Oh, I, em. Ah...

Rose:
Oh, I can see he's suffered. [cuddles up to Emmet] Some women can be *b*tches*.

[Hyacinth bristles]

Rose:
What I really need is transport. If I had transport, a driver to run me round, I could dramatically increase the range of my earning power.

Onslow:
What about one of your boyfriends?

Rose:
Ooh, all they want to do is mess about. I'm a working girl; I haven't time for messing about!

Daisy:
[Daisy looks romantically at Onslow] I remember when we used to mess about.

Onslow:
I'll get the car!

Hyacinth:
And you must remember some sea stories, Richard!

Richard:
Why should I know any sea stories?

Hyacinth:
Richard, you are British and the sea is in your blood!

Hyacinth:
[very shrilly] Vicar! You're heaven sent.

The Vicar:
Oh my Go... ood morning, Mrs Buc... Bouquet.

[Emmet has broken Hyacinth's china]

Emmet:
Really, I'm terribly sorry, Hyacinth.

Hyacinth:
Now, please think no more about it, Emmet. These accidents will happen... and always with my china.

Emmet:
I-I'm not usually that clumsy.

Hyacinth:
The only thing that matters is that you've not ruined your musician's hands... just my rug. Anyway, I'm sure the stain will come out... eventually.

Hyacinth:
Mind the pedestrian.

The Vicar:
Which pedestrian? Where?

Hyacinth:
On the pavement.

The Vicar:
Isn't that where he's supposed to be?

Hyacinth:
Oh, too late now; he's gone. Lucky you missed him.

[last lines]

[the Commodore is pawing Hyacinth]

The Vicar:
Are you all right, Mrs Bouquet?

The Commodore:
I'll say she is. Smashing bit of all right. I wouldn't mind being shipwrecked with you, my darling.

The Vicar:
Do you want me to stop the car for you, Mrs Bouquet?

The Commodore:
Can't do that; I'll miss my train, Vicar. Just think of it, the tropic nights, a huge moon.

Hyacinth:
But I, I, I'm, I'm a marry, married woman.

The Vicar:
Doesn't worry me, old girl. Now, give us a kiss.

Hyacinth:
Ooh, lai... [yelling] Aaheeee! Keep driving, Vicar. Keep driving.

Hyacinth:
Take the low road. I shall relay the convolutions of the Commodore's confusions as we go along.

[first lines]

Richard:
I know I'm not encouraged to have an enquiring mind, but why are we going to wherever I'm taking you?

Hyacinth:
Mm? Our destination is the Manor House function rooms in Morton Road. I have to see to the arrangements for today's Ladies' Luncheon Club; they rely on me so.

Richard:
Does that mean you won't be at home for lunch?

Hyacinth:
No, of course I won't be at home for lunch, dear. We have a special speaker today. You'll have to manage on your own for once.

[Richard starts to whistle]

[first lines]

Richard:
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear!

Hyacinth:
Richard, what's the matter?

Richard:
You know what's the matter. It's the sale tomorrow.

Hyacinth:
Ahh, I know, I am excited too.

Richard:
I'm not excited, I'm terrified.

Hyacinth:
Mmm?

Richard:
The thought of you at a sale.

Hyacinth:
Oh, I do love a sale!

Richard:
Especially the thought of you at a country house sa...

Hyacinth:
Especially country house sales.

Richard:
You get carried away! You think that because things have belonged to the aristocracy, they must be worth twice as much!

Hyacinth:
You know, the truth is I always think that because things have belonged to the aristocracy they must be worth twice as much!

Daisy:
[referring to a knock at the door in the middle of the night] Suppose it's a mad strangler!

Onslow:
They don't usually knock on the door.

Daisy:
[referring to their father and Mrs Braddock] He can't stand her.

Onslow:
Well, why did he promise to marry her?

Daisy:
He said he didn't. He said he only offered her a temporary position.

Rose:
I know just how she feels!

Elizabeth:
You've really got a thing about Hyacinth.

Emmet:
That's because she's the kind of person it is very easy to get a thing about.

Elizabeth:
You're a grown man!

Emmet:
And she's a groan a minute.

[last lines]

Hyacinth:
I do hope you'll all join me in a bottle of the Dowager Lady Ursula's hame-mode geeseberry woon.

Hyacinth:
[to Onslow] Hellooo.

Elizabeth:
[Walks in to find Richard and Emmet singing at the piano, intoxicated] Richard! Hyacinth will kill you!

Richard Bucket:
[Slurring] Hyacinth who? Hahahaha!

Richard Bucket:
More Christmas cards, eh? Are they genuine, or are they more of those you've written to yourself?

Hyacinth:
I regard it as a service to those people who may have misplaced my address.

Hyacinth:
[On the phone with Sheridan] This will be the first Christmas without you, Dear. I don't know how Mummy will cope!

Richard Bucket:
If he asks for more money, I don't know how Daddy will cope...

Hyacinth:
Well, I knew that one day you'd grow up and leave us.

Richard Bucket:
You call this leaving us?

Emmet:
[looks outside] Richard is walking about the garden beating himself on the head!

Elizabeth:
Oh, he often does that.

Emmet:
I'm not surprised. If I had to live with Hyacinth, I think I'd often do that.

Elizabeth:
Sometimes, after I've been there, I find MYSELF doing that.

Hyacinth:
They are my family, and I love them dearly... especially at this time of year, when it gets dark early. I can cope when they're in the house. It's when they're arriving, and especially leaving. Onslow's rarely in a condition that I'd want the neighbors to see!

Elizabeth:
[going out to collect coins for charity] All right, brother. Shan't be long.

Emmet:
Just get back quickly, Liz. I hate being alone in case Hyacinth calls. I never know what to say to her!

Elizabeth:
Oh, you don't have to say anything. Let your mind wander. I think about knitting patterns.

Emmet:
I think about strangling her...

Elizabeth:
Well, lock the door behind me and pretend you're out. There's no need to be so alarmed. [Opens the front door, sees Father Christmas standing there, and lets out a bloodcurdling scream]

Richard Bucket:
[muffled by the beard of the costume] Liz, it's only me! Can I come in? I feel such a fool!

Emmet:
[as Richard comes in] I thought you were supposed to use chimney!

Onslow:
[When Mr. Sudbury comes dancing down the street] Flippin' heck!

Hyacinth:
[On the phone] Am I through to the Thorgunby residence? [Smiles] Well, what a timid little voice! Now run along, Poppet, and tell your Mummy Mrs. Thorgunby that there's a nice lady wanting to speak with her. [Jumps, startled] Oh, you ARE Mrs. Thorgunby. [laughs] Yes, this is Hyacinth. [pause] Bouquet, dear. [pause again] Richard's wife. [pause again] Yes, Richard, your husband's deputy in the department of Finance and General Purposes. [pause again] Yes, THAT Hyacinth. Oh, there's a funny noise on the line, Dear. Sounds like someone in pain. [Strikes the phone receiver a few times] That's better. Now, I'm just ringing to remind you - you promised to drop in with your husband over the Christmas period, to partake of mulled wine and hot mince pies. Come at any time that suits you, Mrs. Thorgunby. Goodbye! [Hangs up] What a silly little voice!

Emmet:
Why are you wearing that outfit?

Richard Bucket:
It's fate.

Emmet:
I thought it might be Hyacinth.

Richard Bucket:
For me, they're one and the same!

Elizabeth:
[spills her canister of collection coins all over the floor] I'm so sorry, Hyacinth!

Hyacinth:
Oh, and just as I've given my lacquered woodblock it's Christmas polish, Elizabeth!

Richard Bucket, Emmet:
[singing, both drunk as lords]... And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows!

Richard Bucket:
It GLOWS!

Richard Bucket, Emmet:
All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names! They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games!

Emmet:
[slurring] Oh, poor Rudolph...

Richard Bucket:
[slurring] Poor Rudolph!

Richard Bucket:
[When Elizabeth decides to play Father Christmas in his stead] You'll never get away with it. You don't even sound like me!

Emmet:
All she has to do is LISTEN like you!

the Vicar:
Mrs. Bucket - Bouquet, I'm sorry - your father's here!

Hyacinth:
Daddy, here?

the Vicar:
Yes.

Hyacinth:
How kind of you, Vicar, to invite Daddy to receive a gift!

the Vicar:
He wasn't actually invited, Mrs. Bucket - Bouquet. He just arrived, and rather unexpectedly.

Hyacinth:
In what way unexpectedly?

the Vicar:
Well, I wasn't actually in the hall at the time. I just heard the scream.

Hyacinth:
[to the Thorgunbys] Won't be a moment! [Starts to lead the vicar away] What scream?

the Vicar:
Miss Winthrop, she's secretary of the Over-Seventies committee.

Hyacinth:
Oh, I see. I expect Daddy was carried away by the festive season!

the Vicar:
Well, he must have started celebrating long before he arrived here; he also seems to be wearing very little.

Hyacinth:
Just like Daddy. I expect he's given everything to the poor.

the Vicar:
Well, NEARLY everything!

Onslow:
[When Daddy shows up in costume] What's Hyacinth doing with a cat?

Richard Bucket:
I must've drunk more than I thought!

Hyacinth:
[When Rose grabs Emmet and kisses him under the Mistletoe] Rose! Put Mr. Hawkesworth down at once!

the Vicar:
[Comes outside] What on earth is going on out here?

Hyacinth:
Rose! There's the Vicar!

Rose:
Thank you Hyacinth - Happy Christmas, Vicar! [plants a kiss on him as well]

[last lines]

Hyacinth:
Onslow, please don't trap Daddy's tail in the door!

Hyacinth:
I could become the Barbara Cartland of the West Midlands social circuit.

[first lines]

Hyacinth:
Was that the papers? Are you asleep, Richard? I'm surprised you can sleep. You know it's an important day for me. Mm? [she pokes him] I'll be surprised if you can sleep much longer. Did you bolt the door?

Richard:
Door?

Hyacinth:
It's that thing that stops there being a hole in the wall.

Richard:
It's the early hours of the morning.

Hyacinth:
A particularly dangerous time for intruders.

Richard:
Why? What happens to them?

Hyacinth:
Good morning, Emmet. Off to work then?

Emmet:
No, no. I thought I'd just pop out and begin strangling overpowering ladies.

Hyacinth:
Oh, that's nice; have you seen the paperboy?

Hyacinth:
The Bouquet residence, the lady of the house speaking!

Hyacinth:
No, I do not have a special offer on spicy prawn balls. This is not the Chinese takeaway. And will you please get off my white slimline telephone with last number redial.

[last lines]

Hyacinth:
Now don't get settled, Richard. You have one last task to perform.

Richard:
Well, what's that?

Hyacinth:
To go back into number 24A.

Richard:
Why, for goodness' sake?

Hyacinth:
To get Daddy out!

Hyacinth:
Now, what shall I wear to answer the telephone?

Onslow:
I don't remember tearing your dress off. Are you sure you were with me?

Daisy:
Do you mind?

Onslow:
I don't usually tear your dress off.

Daisy:
I've noticed.

Onslow:
You've usually got it off before I get through the door. Heh heh heh!

Daisy:
It was one of Rose's engagement parties! Yeah.

Onslow:
Well that doesn't narrow it down much. Your Rose has had more engagement parties than I've had bags of crisps.

Rose:
I heard that!

Daisy:
[Onslow and Daisy are lying in bed; Onslow is asleep]

Daisy:
You used to like me in that pink dress. You used to say, "wow Dais, that pink dress!"

Daisy:
[Daisy pokes Onslow to wake him up]

Daisy:
What is it you liked about my pink one?

Onslow:
[Bleary-eyed, confused] Your pink what?

Daisy:
My pink dress! You said you liked me in that pink dress!

Onslow:
Aw Dais, what kind of way is that to wake a person up? Other people get a cup of tea!

Daisy:
You said I looked really edible in that pink dress.

Onslow:
You haven't got a pink dress.

Daisy:
Not now. You *tore* it off me that night!

Onslow:
I tore it off you?

Daisy:
Yes you did!

Onslow:
You must have been on fire.

[first lines]

Hyacinth:
Richard!

Richard:
I know that voice.

Hyacinth:
Do you remember the Winslows?

Richard:
No.

Hyacinth:
Well, they've overlooked something. They came to one of my candlelight suppers, and they've never invited us back. I can't understand it.

Richard:
I think I can.

Hyacinth:
It must be an oversight. They're not the kind of people who'd commit a breach of manners. You must ring them for a chat and drop a hint, Richard.

Richard:
Me!

Hyacinth:
Well, I'd do it myself, only I'm not the sort of person who goes fishing for invitations.

Richard:
Well, I can't do that!

Hyacinth:
Good! That's settled then.

Richard:
Hyacinth, if you are going as Marie Antoinette...

Hyacinth:
Well, I am. I have my heart set on Marie Antoinette.

Richard:
Maybe I could go as the executioner.

Hyacinth:
Oh, that's a good idea.

Richard:
Well, it has a certain appeal, I agree.

Hyacinth:
Do be careful what you choose for yourself. I don't want you in tights, Richard. I get very embarrassed in front of the neighbours when you're in tights.

Richard:
When have I ever been in tights?

Hyacinth:
The year you were Robin Hood.

Richard:
*I* was Friar Tuck; *you* were Robin Hood.

Hyacinth:
Are you sure?

Richard:
Don't you remember? Sheridan became ill because he couldn't be Maid Marian.

Hyacinth:
Oh yes, I do remember. Poor Sheridan. He broke out in spots. Only in the nicest places, of course.

The Postman:
Oy. Kid. Come here. Um. Pop this in that letterbox for me, will you.

The Boy:
How much?

The Postman:
You're going to grow up to be a monster, aren't you? Fifty p!

The Boy:
For Mrs Bucket! Forget it.

The Postman:
Oy, come here. Pound.

The Boy:
Let's see your money.

The Postman:
Here y'are. [mutters as the boy goes to the door] You'll be sorry.

[the Boy slips the letter in and starts back]

The Postman:
[snarls] Smart kid.

[last lines]

Hyacinth:
Home, Richard. I will not share my throne with those imposters.

[first lines]

Hyacinth:
It's absolutely scandalous! My free-style floral decoration for a table centrepiece deserved a first prize. Everybody said so.

Richard:
Well, you got a second.

Hyacinth:
And to give first prize to Lydia Hawkesworth. Of all people!

Richard:
Better luck next time. It was just one of those things, Hyacinth.

Hyacinth:
It was one of those things that didn't deserve a first prize. Oh. It's not that I mind losing. It's just that I hate the thought of first prize being given to somebody who'll make such a meal of it; we'll never hear the last of it. If they'd given it to me my natural modesty would ensure a minimum of fuss. To give it to Lydia Hawkesworth! You saw it; you were there. What did you think? Come along, Richard, be honest.

Richard:
I hated it.

Hyacinth:
I'm glad we're of the same opinion.

Richard:
I know when to hate something, or not.

Hyacinth:
The woman has no taste. And as for the judges, where do they find these judges? Must be the same idiots that keep letting people off serious crime.

[last lines]

The Sergeant:
[writing in his notebook] Richard Bucket.

Hyacinth:
It's B-O-U Q-U-E-T.

The Sergeant:
Right, I'd like the answers to a few questions, Mr Bucket.

Hyacinth:
It's Bouquet.

Lydia Hawkesworth:
[drives up] Mrs Bucket.

Hyacinth:
It's Bouquet! Oh, hello again, Mrs Hawkesworth.

The Constable:
Come back here, Madam.

Hyacinth:
Lovely day, isn't it?

Rose:
Why is Onslow reading the Financial Times?

Onslow:
I like to keep an eye on the economy. A bloke in my position has to wonder how long the country can afford him. If we don't get the economy right, people like me are gonna be in trouble! It's the duty of all of us to be concerned about the shrinking pound.

Daisy:
And when I married him, I thought he was just a sex symbol.

[first lines]

The Vicar:
A bit more this way. A little higher. And straighter. Yes, that'll do. Let's have the drawing pins.

The Vicar's wife:
You said bring the poster. You didn't say anything about drawing pins.

The Vicar:
Well, I'll hold it and you can fetch them.

The Vicar's wife:
Oh, that's very charitable!

The Vicar:
My profession.

Daisy:
You're in early, Our Rose; I thought you had a date.

Rose:
Oh, I've had a date. But Mr Ripley has to be in early.

Daisy:
Why, when he's on a date?

Rose:
Oh, it's not his idea!

Daisy:
Whose idea is it?

Rose:
Mrs Ripley's.

Rose:
[to Hyacinth] Can you ask that Vicar if he has a vacancy for an experienced helper of a willing nature?

Daisy:
Make that two.

Onslow:
May I remind you that you are a married woman?

Rose:
Yes. [eagerly] Go on, remind me. [starts pawing Onslow] Remind me!

Hyacinth:
Do you think Sheridan's voice is changing?

Richard:
It's still asking for money, I know that.

Hyacinth:
I think it's getting deeper.

Richard:
In debt!

Hyacinth:
I hope he won't go any lower than tenor. I'd like to think his voice with blend with Mummy's when he comes home.

[at the Church]

Hyacinth:
Rose pull your skirt down before we're all excommunicated!

Rose:
I've always thought that Vicar was dishy. If I was going to get excommunicated, I'd rather it was because of him.

[first lines]

Hyacinth:
[on the telephone] I require your furniture department, please. The quality section, not the plywood end.

Hyacinth:
Good morning! Am I speaking to the manager? I shan't settle for anything less. Good. Now, my name is Bouquet, that's B-U-C-K-E-T.

Hyacinth:
No, it *is* Bouquet. You may remember that I called in earlier in the week to choose a three piece suite.

Hyacinth:
You do remember vividly. How very nice. Yes. That's right, I called in the week before too.

Hyacinth:
Yes, and the week before that.

Hyacinth:
Well, these things are too important to rush. Now, you remember that I finally opted for a very superior suite, which you assured me was an exact replica of one at Sandringham House.And you promised delivery today. I'm ringing to ascertain the precise time that you intend to deliver, and will it be in one of your vans with the royal warrant on?

Hyacinth:
All your vans have the royal warrant; that's good. On both sides? Because if it's only on the one side I shall want you to park facing town.

Hyacinth:
You have the royal warrant on both sides; that's very good.

Hyacinth:
[answering the phone] The Bouquet residence, the lady of the house speaking.

Hyacinth:
No, I cannot send round another portion of stir-fried squid with fish-balls and broccoli.

Hyacinth:
This is not the Green Lotus Chinese take-away. I may only be one digit removed, but believe me it's a whole other world.

Hyacinth:
I heard that, and it wasn't Chinese.

[last lines]

Richard:
Does Onslow still get tea when he's finished?

Hyacinth:
Well, of course he can have tea afterwards. But not out of my Royal Doulton. And he won't sit on my new suite either.

Hyacinth:
Sheridan wants to be a poet!

Richard:
Well, that's THIS week. It'll die out.

Emmet:
[Looking out the window as Onslow, Daisy, and Rose arrive at Hyacinth's house] The blonde one's there - the one that's always trying to seduce me!

Elizabeth:
[looks] Oh, yes. Rose.

Emmet:
If they're family, why is Hyacinth acting as if they're strangers?

Elizabeth:
That's the impression she likes to give.

Emmet:
You don't think the blonde one will try to force her way in, do you?

Elizabeth:
In here? Oh, I'd hardly think so.

Emmet:
I wish you'd sound a bit more optimistic!

Hyacinth:
[Making wild hand gestures so anyone watching will think she's just giving directions to passing strangers] The point is, my suite hasn't arrived yet. I'm expecting the van any minute. So if you could clear this area and perhaps pop back later? [Onslow, Daisy, and Rose just stare] After dark. WELL after dark. [Her family still stare blankly] I'll have your suite waiting. You can collect it, and take it off down there, take the first turn left, and proceed along until you come as far as... [Realizes they're still not getting the idea] And instead of standing there looking at me with your mouths wide open, why don't you all get back into that vehicle, drive off in that direction, take the first turn left, which will bring you to you-know-where?

Hyacinth:
Look, if this is bad news, please speak slowly and solemnly!

Rose:
I'm off men. That's it. Finished. There isn't one worth shaving your legs for!

Daisy:
Do you think I should shave mine?

Rose:
For Onslow? Oh, I shouldn't bother, Love.

Rose:
[On the phone] Boris, you swine! You said you'd ring me! [waits] You were waiting for some magic words? [laughs] You old softie. Go on. Tell me the words you want to hear. [waits] Reverse the charges? You cheeky swine! [Slams the phone down]

Daisy:
Onslow, we're getting a new three-piece suite. Our Hyacinth's old one.

Onslow:
It looks like new! Isn't it going to clash with our decor?

The van driver:
[after Richard, instructed by Hyacinth, tips him to go round the block an extra time] Well, at these prices, we'll KEEP going round again!

Richard:
Hopefully once will be enough!

Elizabeth:
[When the doorbell rings but Emmet refuses to answer it] Who's that at the door?

Emmet:
Hyacinth!

Elizabeth:
Hyacinth? Not left on the doorstep!

Emmet:
Only because I'm not big enough to throw her back onto the street!

Elizabeth:
You can't just leave her on the doorstep!

Emmet:
We can try, Liz! If we both pull together, we can try!

Elizabeth:
[Tries to get past] You've got a thing about Hyacinth.

Emmet:
[Rapid-fire] Don't let her in, she'll sing at me!

Elizabeth:
She must have had some reason to come to the door, and it can't be to sing at you!

Emmet:
[as Liz shoves by to go to the door] But she will! She'll sing at me!

[first lines]

Hyacinth:
Try not to make a noise in the bathroom, dear.

Richard:
Did you say something?

Hyacinth:
I said, "Try not to make a noise in the bathroom", Richard.

Richard:
Was I making a noise?

Hyacinth:
Look, I don't wish to dwell on it, dear, but it's always been a principle of mine that bathrooms should be seen and not heard.

Hyacinth:
He's not listening. If there's one thing irritates me more than another, it's people not listening.

Elizabeth:
Oh, you'll never guess who I saw this morning!

Hyacinth:
Did you, dear? That's nice.

[last lines]

[Hyacinth sees her brother-in-law Bruce in costume and turns away from him quickly.]

Richard:
Where are we going now?

Hyacinth:
I wish you wouldn't argue, Richard. Why do you always start an argument?

Daisy:
Onslow?

Onslow:
Hmm?

Daisy:
What's *limpid*?

Onslow:
Wha'?

Daisy:
What's *limpid*? As in: he gazed into her limpid eyes. L-I-M-P-I-D.

Onslow:
Limpid eyes?

Daisy:
That's what it says here.

Onslow:
Almost certainly a disease of the retina.

Onslow:
[Six people are piled in his car and it gives a sudden jerk as they drive along] Sorry about that! I think me suspension's gone.

Rose:
[Riding on Emmet's lap] It's a good job Emmet's hasn't!

Daisy:
[to Elizabeth] I should take Emmet for a cup of tea; he looks a bit over-Rosed.

[first lines]

[Richard grunts as he loads a crate into the car boot]

Hyacinth:
Do be careful of my crystal glassware, Richard.

Richard:
I don't know why we're taking all this stuff; the place is fully equipped.

Hyacinth:
You know I can't entertain without my crystal glassware.

Richard:
They've probably got crystal glassware.

Hyacinth:
At *Bruce's* cottage? You know Bruce thinks the height of taste is glassware engraved with naked ladies.

Richard:
I'd sooner be struggling with a naked lady than this crate.

Hyacinth:
[Hyacinth is checking her list] Oh. [she goes into the house]

Richard:
She rarely listens to anything I say. I've learned to appreciate *that* over the years.

Hyacinth:
I thought Mr. Ridley looked rather shabby.

Richard:
He was just gardening.

Hyacinth:
I expect he's lost heart, poor man. His wife can't be an easy person to be married to. I've never heard her speak to him unless to give an order.

Richard:
Sounds familiar.

Hyacinth:
Take the next right, dear. We all know the secret of marriage is give and take; kindness, understanding, tolerance.

[Richard is staring at her, and drives straight through the intersection]

Hyacinth:
Richard, you should have turned right there, dear!

[last lines]

Daisy:
Hyacinth, who was that lady you were dancing with?

Hyacinth:
Oh, that was Bunty, Dorian's wife. La la la. La la la. If her legs were working you'd like Bunty.

Bunty:
He's weirder than my spaniel b*tch!

[first lines]

The TV Repairman:
Good morning, madam. You the one with the wonky telly?

Hyacinth:
No, I am not the one with the wonky telly. I am the lady whose television requires adjusting.

The TV Repairman:
Oh. I see. Uh, may I come in?

Hyacinth:
*If* you promise not to brush against my walls. They've recently been redecorated up to and beyond British standards.

The TV Repairman:
What exactly is wrong with your set, is it the picture or the sound?

Hyacinth:
It's neither. What I want *you* to do is to insert one of those little things that goes bleep over every expletive.

Emmet:
If I hear the word 'yacht' from that woman just once more... I swear I'll by a U-boat.

Elizabeth:
I wish I hadn't accepted Hyacinth's invitation now. Look, I hope you're not going to go in that mood.

Emmet:
We've heard nothing but yachts for the whole damn week. [sighs] I feel as if I'd already sailed, single-handed, the entire length and breadth of the uncharted Hyacinth.

Elizabeth:
Still, it is kind of her to invite us down for the night... I think.

Emmet:
Kind! [laughs hollowly] It's chilling! Just imagine, a whole night on board some old bucket, with another old Bucket.

[last lines]

Hyacinth:
Emmet, Elizabeth, my nautical buffet has suffered a slight setback.

Richard:
I am going home.

Hyacinth:
We're all going home, Richard. And we'll buy some fish and chips.

Onslow:
Did you bring any beer?

Rose:
No, I didn't.

Onslow:
I'm sitting here completely surrounded by no beer!

Hyacinth:
[Running along the bank after a runaway motorboat] It's very tiring boating on foot!

Richard:
Hyacinth, it's not the wrong key. It's the wrong boat!

Hyacinth:
Richard! I ORDER YOU!

Don't be pushed around Richard. Turn left here.