Wikidude's Quotes Page #349

Here's the list of quotes submitted by wikidude  —  There are currently 140,397 quotes total — keep up the great work!

Amanda Haythe:
When I was a little girl, I had this dream that a bear in the forest took my virginity.

Ron:
A bear?

Amanda:
A bear of a man.

Ron:
Ahh, the man-bear, yeah.

Undeclared  Show Quote

added 9 months ago

Ron:
The name Ron will be like their new little secret inside joke for bad sex, you know? "How was your shag?" "Oh, I got Ronned, he Ronned me, it was terrible."

Undeclared  Show Quote

added 9 months ago

Eric:
You're not my girlfriend. You're my girl-enemy.

Undeclared  Show Quote

added 9 months ago

Marshall:
Yeah, come on guys, don't make fun of Steve... Or his breasts will lactate.

Undeclared  Show Quote

added 9 months ago

Ron:
Fraternities are evil. Okay, they brainwash you, they steal your soul, they take your firstborn for God sakes.

Undeclared  Show Quote

added 9 months ago

Tina:
I am not fat! I am voluptuous! I got back.

Rachel:
Yeah, well just don't back into me!

Undeclared  Show Quote

added 9 months ago

Marshall:
Well at least you can't tell I peed myself back there.

Undeclared  Show Quote

added 9 months ago

Steven:
I'm exploring my options.

Lloyd:
Okay, Lizzie... Your right hand. Those are your options.

Undeclared  Show Quote

added 9 months ago

Lizzie:
This is my friend Kelly.

Kelly:
Hey. It's nice to meet you.

Ron:
Kelly, oh, that's... That's Gaelic for, uh, church or warrior.

Undeclared  Show Quote

added 9 months ago

Ron:
Are you hungry for breakfast yet?

Kelly:
Aww... yeah, I'm hungry... but not for breakfast, though.

Ron:
Oh, so, uh, you want seconds. There's plenty of Ron left. Yeah I got... what do you want? I got Ron links. Those are good.

Kelly:
That sounds good.

Ron:
There's Ronffles, which is like a waffle, kind of.

Kelly:
Kind of!

Marshall:
I'm right here. I exist. Please stop talking like that!

Kelly:
Hey, Marshall, why don't you just go back to pretending like you're asleep like you did last night.

Undeclared  Show Quote

added 9 months ago

Marshall:
Lloyd, you know how girls like you?

Lloyd:
Yeah.

Marshall:
Um, I was wondering if you get a lot of 'em tonight, if it's cool if I take your overflow?

Lloyd:
Marshall, I bequeath you my overflow.

Marshall:
YES!

Undeclared  Show Quote

added 9 months ago

Theo:
He [Steven] was always a geek in high school.

Lizzie:
Hey, none of us were perfect in high school. So, you were a geek. Everybody was something. I was a slut.

Undeclared  Show Quote

added 9 months ago

Steven:
[Holding an armful of condoms] Well, I think I have enough condoms... for tonight!

Undeclared  Show Quote

added 9 months ago

Steven:
[Fighting with Hillary] You're not my stepmother! You are not my stepmother!

Undeclared  Show Quote

added 9 months ago

[Lucien sees Perry duct taped to the ping-pong table]

Lucien:
What happened?

Perry:
"What happened" what? Oh, I strapped myself here. I have a girl coming by to pleasure me in a few minutes.

Lucien:
Are you serious?

Perry:
No! You moron! Untie me!

Undeclared  Show Quote

added 9 months ago

Rex:
You know what a relationship is? Real Exciting Love Affair that Turns Into Ongoing Nightmare... Sobriety Hangs In Peril. Something like that, I got it tattooed on my back, you wanna read it?

Undeclared  Show Quote

added 9 months ago

Rex:
She's a good girl man, I know.

Eric:
I know.

Rex:
Reminds me of another girl I once knew.

Eric:
Who?

Rex:
Her name is Your Mother. I'll tell you something, buddy. There is nothing as good as the love of a good woman. Except ecstasy.

Undeclared  Show Quote

added 9 months ago

[First lines of the series]

Lizzie:
How do you say "We're so happy to see you" in-- What is the language there? Afghanistanish?

Riley:
Uh, it's Pashto. And I only know a few phrases.

Lizzie:
Like?

[Riley speaks Pashto language.]

Lizzie:
Which means?

Riley:
Please, god. Get me out of here.

Lizzie:
So you can say that and not "We're so glad you're here!"?

Riley:
Lizzie, the whole time I served in Afghanistan, I never heard anyone say, "We're so glad you're here!". We should've brought him a welcome gift. When I went back for my second tour, he was waiting for me on the tarmac with a pot of pacha.

Lizzie:
Ooh, is that something you eat or smoke?

Riley:
It's a traditional Afghan breakfast soup made of sheep's hooves.

Lizzie:
Seriously?

Riley:
I know, it sounds more like a lunch food, doesn't it? Al's mom used to make it for us.

Lizzie:
Aw. Are you gonna cry when you see him?

Riley:
Marines don't cry, Lizzie.

Lizzie:
They don't, huh?

Riley:
No. Those babies in the Air Force cry when their sunglasses get smudged. There he is, there he is. Al, over here!

Al:
Hi. Oh, my friend. I'm so happy to see you.

Riley:
I was worried you weren't gonna make it.

Al:
Me, too. But you found a way.

Lizzie:
Hi, Al.

Al:
Lizzie. It is so good to finally meet you.

Lizzie:
Thank you for keeping my brother safe. Oh, thank you!

Al:
Oh, look at this. Today, we are all in the Air Force.

United States of Al, Season 1  Show Quote

added 9 months ago

Al:
Vanessa, having tea is an important part of my culture. It facilitates dialogue, even among the most bitter enemies. During the war, Riley and I would do this to try to resolve disputes.

Vanessa:
I get that, Al, but I just really don't think this is gonna help us.

Riley:
Yeah, I already told him that.

Vanessa:
Oh, shut up.

Al:
Of course, in Afghanistan, we were mostly dealing with murderous warlords. This is my first time working with a married couple.

Vanessa:
Well, we won't be married for long.

Riley:
Why'd you even come here? I mean, don't you have anything better to do?

Vanessa:
I came out of respect for the guy who saved your life.

Riley:
You came to punish me.

Vanessa:
I don't have to punish you, Riley. You punish yourself.

Al:
I have to tell you both, I am missing the warlords right now. Vanessa, why don't you tell me what you think went wrong with your marriage?

Vanessa:
Oh, Al, I don't even know where to start. I mean, the mood swings, the drinking. He won't go get help. He refused to go to counseling. I just had enough.

Al:
Okay, thank you. I have only been here one day, but I have also seen the mood swings and the drinking.

Riley:
Hey. Whose side are you on?

Al:
I am in the middle. Look. This is on purpose.

Vanessa:
I'm sorry, but I'm done trying to raise my daughter with a guy who I can't trust.

Al:
I understand that, too. When I met Riley, I did not trust him either. And I was right not to trust him. Did you know the first time he gave me a gun, he did not put bullets in it?

Vanessa:
You're kidding.

Al:
I am not, and I discovered this in the middle of a firefight.

Riley:
I had to know you weren't gonna shoot me.

Al:
And in that moment, when I was clicking away and nothing was coming out, I really wanted to. The point is, we did not trust each other then. But we do now. Trust is earned.

Vanessa:
Well, he's got a long way to go.

Al:
Oh, I agree.

Vanessa:
Right now, he's at zero with me.

Al:
Oh. Zero is good. I would not have gone that high.

Vanessa:
But I do like you.

Al:
You know what's funny? The warlords also liked me and not him. Vanessa, you are as wonderful a woman as Riley always said. I'm so glad we finally got to meet.

Vanessa:
Me, too.

Riley:
Excuse me. But, we haven't resolved a thing here.

Al:
No, but we are talking, which is a good first step. If the two of us could learn a language he does not know, that might be helpful for the future.

Vanessa:
I speak a little French.

Al:
Ah. Moi aussi.

Riley:
I can learn French.

Al:
Just drink your tea.

Vanessa:
So, what other nice things did he say about me?

Al:
Where do I begin? Your hair, your eyes, your laugh...

Riley:
Oh, come on!

United States of Al, Season 1  Show Quote

added 9 months ago

Art:
Lose something?

Lizzie:
Don't worry about it.

Art:
Geez. Hope you find your manners in there. Why do you got so much stuff in your purse?

Lizzie:
What am I, a guest on your podcast? I lost Michael's dog tags.

Art:
Oh... Well, okay, don't worry. They'll turn up.

Lizzie:
Oh, yeah. Here they are.

Art:
Oh, really?

Lizzie:
No.

Art:
Well, where'd you lose them?

Lizzie:
I don't know. That's what "lost" means.

Art:
I'm surprised. I just never seen you take them off.

Lizzie:
I don't. I had them on last night and I went to the party and then they must have fallen off somewhere.

Art:
Well, no problem. Where was this party?

Lizzie:
It was out by Walnut Creek.

Art:
That's just woods. Who has a party in the woods?

Lizzie:
Bad people. Who do you think?

Art:
All right. Let's go find them.

Lizzie:
There's no way.

Art:
Not without assistance.

Lizzie:
What do you mean?

Art:
I got a friend. Walk with me. Bertha, we need your help.

Lizzie:
Your friend is a rifle?

Art:
That's Emily. Bertha's my metal detector. Hello, darling.

Lizzie:
There's a reason you're not dating.

United States of Al, Season 1  Show Quote

added 9 months ago

Lizzie:
Okay, next question. For better visibility while driving in rain, fog or snow, you should keep your blank on.

Art:
Pants.

Al:
The answer is low beams.

Art:
Not as funny.

Al:
Hello, mother. How are you doing?

Khala:
Hello, my son. How are you? Did you get your license yet?

Al:
My test is tomorrow. Today, we went shopping and I got new clothes.

Khala:
Wow! You look like Angelina Jolie's husband.

Al:
And mom, check this out.

Khala:
Where are the rest of your pants?

Al:
They're called shorts. Everyone wears them here.

Khala:
Shorts? I do not like them.

Al:
They are great. They have so many pockets.

Art:
Pepper shaker.

Khala:
There's no way God will accept your prayers wearing that thing.

Lizzie:
What'd she say?

Al:
I'm her favorite son.

Riley:
Hey, what about me?

Khala:
Oh, it's my American son. Hello, Riley Jaan.

Riley:
Salaam, Khala Jaan.

Khala:
Look. Riley is wearing pants like a man. Why can't you be more like Riley?

Riley:
What'd she say about me?

Al:
You look fatter than she remembers.

United States of Al, Season 1  Show Quote

added 9 months ago

Al:
Is Michael Jordan in this game?

Hazel:
What? He's like 100 years old.

Art:
Hey. Who's playing?

Al:
Not Michael Jordan.

Art:
You good?

Al:
Oh, very good.

Art:
Good.

Al:
Hazel, you should stand up when your grandfather enters the room.

Hazel:
Why?

Al:
As a sign of respect.

Hazel:
What if you don't have legs?

Al:
Hazel, an elder is wise. Much like the rings on a tree, the wrinkles on your grandfather's face are the mark of experience and wisdom.

Hazel:
What if you're tied to the chair?

Al:
Stop finding loopholes.

Art:
You guys are messing with me.

Hazel:
Uncle Al says we have to stand because you're old.

Al:
No, no, no, Mr. Art. That is not what I meant. You are still very young. Mashallah. Not even a single bud from a thousand flowers of your life has blossomed yet.

Hazel:
You just said he was wrinkled.

Al:
I did not say that.

Hazel:
Yes, you did.

Al:
No, I didn't.

Hazel:
Yes, you did.

Al:
No, I didn't.

Art:
Calm down.

Hazel:
Grampy, can you get me some juice?

Art:
Sure.

Al:
Mr. Art, please wait. She is the one who should be getting you juice.

Art:
I don't want juice.

Al:
Doesn't matter. She needs to know her place in the family. She should sit closest to the kitchen so that if anyone needs anything, she can happily run and get it for them. The order should be the youngest by the kitchen, then the parents, then the guest, then the elders.

Art:
Yeah, that's not gonna work. Puts me too far from the bathroom. What flavor?

Hazel:
Grape, please.

Art:
Excellent choice. Pairs well with popcorn.

Hazel:
Yes, you did.

United States of Al, Season 1  Show Quote

added 9 months ago

Al:
I don't want to fight you.

Riley:
How about now?

Al:
No.

Riley:
How about now?

Al:
Riley, you spilled my tea!

Riley:
Oh, no! What are you gonna do about it?

Al:
This is a bad idea.

Riley:
Why?!

Al:
Because I will lose!

Riley:
Oh, with that attitude, you will.

Al:
No, with this body, I will.

Riley:
Fight me, or I'll call your sister names.

Al:
Okay. That's it!

Riley:
Yeah, man, this is my therapy. When I get mad, I do this. When I'm sad a little of that. When I don't know how to feel, a little bit of that.

Al:
Fine. If you insist, I will give it a try.

Riley:
All right, step into my office. Here we go. Show me what you got. Harder. Harder!

Al:
I don't want to hurt you.

Riley:
Oh, you're serious?

Al:
Now I kind of want to hurt you.

United States of Al, Season 1  Show Quote

added 9 months ago

Riley:
No, we don't.

United States of Al, Season 2  Show Quote

added 9 months ago

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