Home Improvement

[repeated line whenever Tim makes a smart comment on Tool Time]

Al:
I don't think so, Tim.

Heidi:
Does everybody know what time it is?

[repeated line]

Tim:
We'll be right back after a word from Binford Tools.

[repeated line]

Tim:
Shut up, Al.

Al:
Say, do you think they call it a nail gun because it shoots nails?

Tim:
Excuse me a second, Al, I need to go use the John.

Al:
What?

Tim:
I gotta go take a dump.

Al:
What?

Tim:
I gotta go #1.

Al:
What?

Tim:
Pee!

Tim:
[helping Randy with his math homework]... now the denominator is the...

Randy:
...bottom number...

Tim:
...why don't they just call it the bottom number? The denominator... that sounds like a Schwarzenegger movie doesn't it?

Tim:
[impersonating Arnold Schwarzenegger] I am the Denominator. I'll give your leg a compound fraction.

Al:
I saw Mark in his costume. I always wanted to be the letter N.

Tim:
That's impossible, Al. The song specifically says No Al.

[singing to the tune of Noel]

Tim:
No Al, No Al, No Al, No Al.

Brad:
[Brad wants to go skiing on Christmas eve] But Mom, it's perfect. I mean, I don't have school and I can take your presents with me and open them there.

Tim:
[to angel statue] Do you feel the love in this room? Do you?

Jill:
The family is always together on Christmas. We hang our stockings together. We talk to relatives on the phone. You have your new saxophone so you can play along while we sing carols and I'm going to make nana's special oyster pecan stuffing.

Tim:
[Gagging] Do you suppose there's room for one more skier in that car?

Jill:
We're always together at Christmas, even that year your father fell down the chimney. We were together. We were in the emergency room but we were together.

Tim:
All right, you stay in your room. I don't want you sneaking downstairs to watch that Tool Time marathon.

Tim:
This weekend is the Tool Time marathon. 40 straight hours of Tim and Al hijinks.

Jill:
It's also Christmas.

Tim:
It's also Christmas.

Tim:
You lied in church on Christmas Eve? Watch out for those lightning bolts. God doesn't like that stuff.

Jill:
At least I'm not begging the Almighty for two touchdowns and a field goal.

Al:
I remember my first Christmas rebellion: I was so mad. My parents went out and bought an artificial tree. The whole Christmas I refused to sing 'Oh, Tannenbaum'.

Tim:
Oh, my. You were a bad, bad Borland.

[to Jill]

Tim:
Are you all right?

Al:
Yeah I'm okay. It was a long time ago.

Tim:
[to Jill] I meant, are YOU okay?

Tim:
What are you doing with the skis?

Brad:
Oh, um, I was gonna donate them to the needy.

Tim:
Yeah, that's just what they need down at the mission. Food and skis.

Brad:
Look, Dad, I explained it all in a note.

Tim:
It better be a good one. "Went skiing. Brad".

Brad:
All I wanted to do was be with my friends. A lot of people I like are going to be down there.

Tim:
Christmas is not about being with people you like. It's about being with your family.

Wilson:
Maybe the good doctor has ESP.

Tim:
What does having a cable sports channel have to do with this?

Al:
[In church] I'll just take a pew behind you.

Tim:
Most people use the bathroom, Al.

Jill:
[In church] Where are you going?

Tim:
Um, to the little boys' room to take a pew.

Al:
I can't find Tim. I checked the bathrooms. Men's AND women's. Boy, was Mrs. Lindsey surprised.

Brad:
Dad, it's just one Christmas. I mean, it's not that big a deal.

Tim:
Well it is to your mom and me and to me.

Tim:
I would have loved to make Brad come here against his will.

Jill:
That's a great vision for Christmas Eve: The four of us singing hymns, you with Brad in a headlock.

Wilson:
I think you've reached the apex of your Christmas decorating career.

Tim:
I just hope I can convince those stupid judges of that.

Wilson:
Well there's only one judge this year.

Tim:
Only one?

Wilson:
And it's me.

Tim:
Did I say stupid? I meant stupendous.

Tim:
Brad, you put Blitzen's light in Rudolph's nose.

Tim:
[singing] Jingle Bells / Shotgun shells / Granny's on the run...

Reverend McDonnell:
[when passing out candles] I don't think so, Tim.

Wilson:
Well good golly, Taylors, I think you've won the contest. I did not realize there was a full-size electric Tim on the roof.

Brad:
Why do I have to go?

Tim:
Because God said come and worship, not go and slolam.

Al:
I saw Mark in his little robe. Boy, I always wanted to be the letter N.

Tim:
That's impossible, Al. The song specifically says No Al.

[singing to the tune of Noel]

Tim:
No Al, No Al, No Al, No Al.

Tim:
That's our favorite Christmas carol. The Little Engine Boy. Vroom, vroom-vroom-vroom, vroom.

[the members of the Christmas service choir have letters pinned onto their robes to spell "NOEL", but are standing out of order]

Al:
Who's "LEON"?

Randy Taylor:
Maybe Leon was born in the manger next door.

Jill:
[after seeing the boys put up a clown in place of the third wiseman] So the three wise men come bearing gifts of gold, francensense, and a selzer bottle.

Woman:
[Al's pager goes off] Excuse me, sir, are you by chance a doctor?

Tim:
He's a mama's boy.

Al Borland:
On the other hand...

Tim:
Al, that's 8 hands. Why not take one of them and slap yourself?

Tim:
What is a clown doing next to baby Jesus?

Ilene Markham:
Al, you are 37 years old, don't you think it's time to cut the cord?

Al Borland:
Cut the cord?

Tim:
Cut the cord? That's the only extension cord I've got to handle those lights.

Al Borland:
This is not about your stupid lights. My relationship with Ilene is hanging in the balance.

Tim:
So the extension cord's okay?

Tim:
Excuse me, can you tell us where the main terminal is?

The Clerk:
Take two giant steps forward.

The Clerk:
Would you gentlemen care for some flight insurance?

Tim, Al Borland:
No!

The Clerk:
Okay, but if your plane crashes, you'll be sorry.

Al Borland:
I still don't know what to do about Ilene and my mother. How can I choose between the woman who means more to me than anything... and my girlfriend?

Colonel Fred Patterson:
[calling from the next room] Lilian! Where'd you put my tape of Patton? I wanna show it to the boys when they get back.

Mrs. Lillian Patterson:
I threw it out the window in St. Louis.

Colonel Fred Patterson:
If you're serious, we're going back to get it!

Randy:
[watching the movie "Patton", with babies Claire and Gracie on the Colonel's lap] Speaking of powerful, I think one of those babies just dropped a bomb.

Nancy:
There they are.

The Colonel:
They were crying, so I decided to calm them down by letting them watch Patton's invasion of North Africa.

Nancy:
At home we just put them to sleep with old 'Tool Time' tapes.

Jill:
[looks to the babies] Oh, somebody's stinking up the joint over here.

Brad:
[accusingly] Randy!

Jill:
Oh, so great to have babies in the house again.

Tim:
There's nothing like a little projectile vomit to brighten up the holidays.

Jill:
Tim, can you come down here? I have to talk to you.

Tim:
Again?

Jill:
Yeah.

Tim:
[Climbs all the way down a ladder] OK, what did you do now?

Wilson:
Heidey-ho, neighbors.

Jill:
Never mind, I'll talk to Wilson instead.

Tim:
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna install an escalator.

Tim:
[Talking about his Christmas lights decoration he does every year] All I miss is a real baby for the manger.

[Looks at his brother's twins that Jill & Nancy are holding]

Nancy:
He wouldn't, really?

Jill:
He would but we're not gonna let him.

Tim:
It's not like you don't have one to spare.

Al:
Merry Christmas. You know Christmas always reminds me of my childhood. I used to build a snowman every year. I used a carrot for its nose. Cookies for its eyes. Licorice for its smile.

Tim:
That's a great story, Al. Unfortunately, Al's Mom usually ate the snowman.

Al:
One year, she used the carrot to make coleslaw.

Jill:
Tim, wait a second, I need to talk to you.

Tim:
[pushing a fake camel for his Christmas light display] Not right now, I gotta go light up a camel.

Tim:
Before you say something, let me say something: don't say something.

Al:
But first, I would like to get something off my chest.

Tim:
That tie?

Al:
Ah, I'm just a little bit cheesed here. The other day I was in the supermarket and I... I was in the frozen food section. And they had lima beans, 3 for a dollar. And I took four. And the lady at the check-out counter said, "Hey, can't you count?"

Al:
I take my work seriously and all you do is crack jokes.

Tim:
Crack jokes? Well the way you bend over like that...

Al:
See? Now that's what I'm talking about.

Al:
Anyone can do what you do.

Tim:
Oh really? You think you could do what I do?

Al:
Oh please. How hard could it be to tell bad jokes and screw up all the time?

Tim:
A lot harder than it looks.

Al:
Speaking of staple guns, do you suppose that they call it a staple gun, because it shoots out staples?

[Audience is silent]

Tim:
Yes I do, Al.

Tim:
Hey Wilson. What are you up to?

Wilson Wilson, Jr.:
Just painting a self-portrait.

Tim:
Yeah? Of who?

[Jill is listening to opera music]

Tim Taylor:
Jill, I can't work with this noise!

Jill Taylor:
How can you call that noise?

Tim Taylor:
That's not noise, that's a proctology exam!

Al:
These are also useful if Superman wants to take a peek at your underwear.

Tim:
No problem there. I'm not wearing any.

Tim:
I didn't blow up the house.

Al:
[found out there was another gas leak in the house that they didn't know about or repair] Benny! Did your aunt happen to mention that there was also a leak in the stove?

Benny:
Maybe, it's hard to understand her when she's not wearing her teeth.

Al:
You realize that there is the possibility that gas has been leaking in this house for the past half hour. the slightest spark could cause combustion.

Benny:
Hey, take it easy. I disconnected all the electrical appliances like you asked.

Al:
Ahh, well good.

Benny:
Except that lamp over there. But you don't have to worry, it's the kind that only goes on when you clap.

Tim:
[wanting to leave and not knowing the situation] C'mon guys lets go.

[He claps twice and the lamp turns on causing the house to blow up]

Tim:
Let me guess, there was another leak.

Al:
The stove.

Tim:
BENNY!

Tim:
[about Benny singing in the shower] Well, either Benny is singing or there is a sick cow in this house.

Brad:
Why aren't we having eggs?

Tim:
Benny ate them.

Mark:
Or bacon?

Jill:
Benny.

Randy:
Or toast?

Tim:
Benny.

Jill:
Who ties up the phone, puts dark laundry in with our whites, sleeps all day, sits on the couch watches T.V. all night?

Tim:
Benny.

Brad:
Who do we want out of the house?

Brad, Tim, Mark, Jill, Randy:
Benny!

Tim:
Some tool-men say "Why? ", this tool-man says "Why not? ".

Jill:
This tool-man's wife says "Why me? ".

Jill Taylor:
[defending Mark's horror movie to Randy] For all we know, this will be a piece of cinema history.

Randy Taylor:
It's a piece of something.

Tim:
[Has just awakened Wilson by throwing a ball at his door] Wilson, have you ever had a really annoying neighbor?

Wilson:
[after a pause] Tim is this a trick question?

Jill:
[after Jill is injured in a water skiing accident] I have a bandage on my nose, a sprained wrist, a sore ankle, and my butt is COMPLETLY black and blue.

Tim:
Well at least you have some color.

Jill:
Do you think this is funny?

Tim:
Not if you don't.

Brad:
[while fly fishing] Hey Wilson, can you show us how to do that forward cast?

Wilson:
Certianly Brad, you start at one o'clock and you end up at ten o'clock.

Mark:
[as Tim does it wrong] Dad he said ten o'clock.

Tim:
I didn't know he ment ten o'clock eastern time.

Tim:
Honey, you can't let some nicks and cuts and contusions stop you from going. If I did that wouldn't go anywhere.

Tim:
You'd hate yourself forever if you didn't go.

Jill:
Actually, I'd hate you.

Tim:
I thought of that too.

Tim:
Alright, guys. I'm sure there's something we all learned from this.

Brad:
Yeah, the nose can be broken more than once in a day.

Wilson:
[outtake] I'm reminded of Galileo.

Tim:
Yeah, I love his wine.

Wilson:
No, Tim, no no no. I'm talking about the 17th century astronomer. He was... A very fat man.

Tim Taylor:
A live chicken? Brad, who the hell do you hang out with?

Brad Taylor:
Mom...

Jill Taylor:
What?

Brad Taylor:
Dad's cussing.

Tim Taylor:
I wasn't cussing.

Mark Taylor:
He said a bad word.

Tim Taylor:
It wasn't bad.

Randy Taylor:
Yeah, he said "hell" and "damn".

Tim Taylor:
I did *not* say "damn".

Randy Taylor:
*Now* you did.

Jill Taylor:
I found this broccoli in Randy's dirty clothes.

Tim Taylor:
Hmm. Either he's hiding it or not digesting properly.

Tim Taylor:
What are you making over there?

Wilson Wilson Jr.:
Building a porcupine trap.

Tim Taylor:
Really?

Wilson Wilson Jr.:
Hmm.

Tim Taylor:
I don't think there's a lot of porcupines in the Detroit area, are there?

Wilson Wilson Jr.:
Ah ha, but if you build it, they will come.

Mark Taylor:
Dad, Brad and Randy are doing bad things.

Tim Taylor:
Unless it involves human sacrifice, I don't wanna hear about it.

Mark Taylor:
Okay, I'll let you know.

Al:
[about dessert] I brought a very lovely tart.

Tim:
Al, that's no way to talk about Ilene.

Jill:
Don't you think before you make these stupid jokes?

Tim:
I couldn't help it. She set me up. She said 'horse'.

Jill:
Oh and the only thing you could come up with was, "At least she's not cooking bicycle shorts"?

Al:
Ilene!

Tim:
Of course you lean. You're lopsided.

Tim:
[to Mark] Let me give you some guidelines: if something good happens to you, and Brad and Randy are happy, it's probably not a good thing.

Mark:
The Taylors, if their the typical American family, this country's in trouble.

Jill:
[after seeing on movie Brad scratch his body with a fork] Brad that's disgusting.

Brad:
Wait till you see what I did with the spoon.

Tim:
You are staying out past midnight and no more arguments!

Jill:
[about Brad] He's having dinner at 9:00. Just a couple years ago he's going to bed at 9:00.

Tim:
A couple years from now, *we'll* be going to bed at 9:00.

Jill:
I want to make this dinner real special. What is Samantha's favorite dish?

Brad:
Chicken Cordon Bleu with endive watercrest salad.

Jill:
We'll go with your favorite dish.

Brad:
Sloppy Joes and tater tots?

Mark:
Here comes the groom.

Brad:
Shut up.

Randy:
You know, Brad, we were thinking about places to have your bachelor party. How do you feel about Chuck E. Cheese's?

Mark:
Yeah , the groom gets free tokens.

Al Borland:
Why do you always put my face on anything you're about to maim or destroy?

Tim Taylor:
Because your butt won't fit.

Wilson:
That isn't the correct interpretation of Miss Gaskell's words.

Jill:
I don't think she'll complain. She's been dead 100 years.

Tim:
Hey, show a little respect. That's Eddie Haskell's mom, right?

Tim:
[Tim and Al are at a bar after Mr. Binford has passed away] Crying won't bring him back!

Al:
That isn't the point! You suffered a big loss! We all did!

[starts to cry]

Tim:
Come on, pull it together, will you, Al?

Al:
Well, I didn't really need that spicket! I just thought it'd be great to have hot chocolate once in a while!

Tim:
[customers are staring at Al, who is shaking from crying so hard] It devastates him when they run out of corn nuts!

Jill Taylor:
[the family's out camping and Tim just got back from the car] Oh thank God, I was getting worried. I heard this awful howling.

Tim Taylor:
Oh, that was me. Couldn't find any leaves, had to use a pine cone.

[reading Brad's Valentine's Day poem]

Tim Taylor:
"I think you're swell, I think you're sweet..." You know what could follow this?

Brad Taylor:
What?

Tim Taylor:
"How would you like to smell my feet?"

Jill:
The last time I trusted you, we had Mark.

Tim:
Al is living every guy's fantasy... Every SINGLE guy's fantasy. Married guys don't have fantasies, they're taken away from them. Er, it's a good thing, because then you get to, you know, give all your attention to your wife. You know, year after year. Month in, month out. Day after day after day until you're dead.

Jill:
[Sarcastically] You've just swept me off my feet again.

Jill:
That's not what you think, is it, Tim?

Tim:
It's not?

Jill:
No.

Al:
What DO you think?

Tim:
I don't know, ask her.

Mark:
Sam has $8. 00. Billy has nothing.

Tim:
Okay, let's use real money. $8. 00. I'll be Sam, you be Billy.

Mark:
Sam gives Billy 50% of what he has. Now Billy gives Sam 50% of what he has. Now, Sam gives Billy 100% of what he has left. How much does Sam have?

Tim:
Nothing.

Mark:
Exactly. Thanks, Sam.

[Takes the money]

Tim:
Sam wasn't a real bright guy, was he?

Tim:
My pneumatic dry-wall stilts.

Al:
Pneumatic dry-wall stilts?

Tim:
Is there an echo in the building?

[Discussing Wes Davidson, the new president of Binford Tools]

Tim:
I don't have a problem with Davidson.

Jill:
You think he's a weasel.

Tim:
I don't have a problem with that.

Tim:
[discussing the what-ifs of Tim losing his job for refusing to promote a bad tool] 30 weeks isn't that long!

Jill:
Well, I'd have two options, see, you'd stay home and do the laundry, and then I'd get the pool boy!

[Tim starts to fake cry]

Jill:
[sympathetically] Oh, now honey, I would never trade you for anyone.

[they kiss]

Jill:
Unless I could get a pool boy who did the laundry.

Brad:
We got everything except the garlic gloves.

Jill:
Garlic *gloves*? It's garlic cloves, honey.

Randy:
Oh, so we had Mark sniffing gloves for nothing.

Tim:
Brad, so how about those Lions?

Brad:
Oh yeah, I love you too, Dad.

Tim:
Looks to me like the hamster fell off the wheel.

Tim:
Beep beep, back the truck up! Why is it my fault?

Tim:
Oh, low blow, Pretzel Boy.

Detective Roberts:
You tampered with the crime scene?

Tim Taylor:
I did not know it was a crime. I did not know it at the time.

Detective Roberts:
[writes] "Dr. Seuss claims there was a witch".

Eddie Phillips:
I was married to Tildy for 45 years, and the woman drove me absolutely crazy. She had these ugly little porcelain cats that she loved to line up on a windowsill. Every day for 45 years, I used to take those cats off the windowsill and put them in a cupboard. And every day for 45 years, she'd take the cats out of the cupboard and put them back on the windowsill.

Tim Taylor:
Where are they now?

Eddie Phillips:
On a windowsill.

Tim Taylor:
You didn't throw them out?

Eddie Phillips:
What for? You don't have to understand a woman. All you have to do is love her.

Tim:
Do you suppose that if this grass were on fire, it'd call Fescue 911?

Al:
I don't think so, Tim.

Tim:
We're going to introduce a new color today: the color Al.

Al:
I don't want to be a color, Tim.

Tim:
Neither did red and look how well he turned out.

Al:
I'd better go before the Putt-Putt is shut-shut.

Wilson:
Tim? Will you keep your freaking Santa out of my yard?

[Tim turns on the Christmas lights]

Wilson:
Don't look directly at the Jesus!

Tim:
[Presents classic car] Kids, say hello to your new kid sister.

Randy:
It looks old enough to be our grandmother.

Jill Taylor:
What if Papa Mia doesn't care?

Tim:
Maybe we can talk to his wife.

Jill Taylor:
Mama Mia?

Jill Taylor:
They broke the mirror, they put in the wrong tiling, we've got a cement...

Jill Taylor:
[suddenly seeing her new whirlpool bath] Oh, wow, wow, what's this?

Tim Taylor:
This is what will make it all worthwhile: Your new whirlpool.

Jill Taylor:
Oh, Tim, it's so beautiful. Look at the color; it's perfect.

Tim Taylor:
Not to mention seven adjustable jets, three speeds - low, medium and "who needs a man?"

Tim Taylor:
I'm gonna let you guys in on a little secret, all right? Women, as we know them, are born without a face.

Randy Taylor:
Bull!

Tim Taylor:
Listen to me - women are like a Mr. Potato Head. You've heard your mom say every now and then, "Excuse me, fellas, I've gotta go upstairs and put my face on." She scurries up here, and draws one on with this stuff.

Tim Taylor:
What's to think about? We've always wanted this done; they'd pay for it - let me do this for you.

Jill Taylor:
Will Al be here?

Tim Taylor:
I don't see what that has to do with anything.

Jill Taylor:
Will Al be here?

Tim Taylor:
I want you to listen to me - Al is my assistant; he assists *me*.

Jill Taylor:
Yeah, I know; will he be here?

Tim Taylor:
...Yes.

Tim Taylor:
I like to create, Wilson. Everything I do, I wanna make bigger and better.

Wilson:
Well, Tim, this obsessive desire to create partly happens because men feel inferior to women.

[Tim grunts, perplexed]

Wilson:
It's because we can't bear children.

Tim Taylor:
Ah, I don't mind the boys *that* much.

Wilson:
No no no, Tim; what I mean is, women can give birth, and we can't.

Tim Taylor:
And we sure lucked out on that part.

Jill Taylor:
It wasn't you that I was mad at; it was just the remodel.

Tim Taylor:
No, no... I can't give birth. It's a problem in my gut, with a visceral thing... It's really, really hard to explain.

Jill Taylor:
...Don't try.

Jill Taylor:
I thought you said it was a technical problem.

Tim Taylor:
Technically, I was the problem.

[observing an eyelash curler]

Brad Taylor:
What's this for?

Tim Taylor:
She pinches something with it, what is... Oh! This is for taking her eye out and cleaning behind it.

Jill:
For once I'm cooking food and you're burning food.

Wilson:
Most people eating my food are already dead.

Tim:
What's the matter with Brad?

Randy:
Well he's dumb and he's got a dorky haircut.

Tim:
[imitating Arnold Schwarzenegger] I'll give you a leg of multiple compound fractions.

Tim:
[helping Brad with his math homework]... now the denominator is the...?

Brad:
...bottom number...

Tim:
...why don't they just call it the bottom number? The denominator... that sounds like a Schwarzenegger movie doesn't it?

Tim:
[impersonating Arnold Schwarzenegger] I am the Denominator. I'll give your leg a compound fraction.

Brad:
[Brad's car has been stolen and stripped] I can't believe this. There's nothing they can do?

Tim:
I'm with Brad. Somebody has got to be held accountable for this.

Jill:
You heard the officer. There's nothing they can do.

Tim:
Maybe there's nothing THEY can do. But there's something *I* can do. I'm the guy who delivered a baby after being crowned Car Guy of the Year in the same night. I'm the guy that built a lawn mower than can do 12 seconds in a 1/4 mile. I'm the guy that put a barbecue grill in orbit, so don't you tell me there's nothing we can do. I'm the Tool Man, I can fix ANYTHING.

Jill:
Alright, zip up your fly and let's go.

Tim:
[on the phone with the police] My son's car was stolen and I'm offering free Tool Time tickets to the man that finds it... Officer? I fail to see the humor in what I just said.

Randy:
So, now you're telling me what I can and can't write? You're acting like some tyrannical fascist.

Tim:
Did he just call me a dinosaur?

Tim:
You know my son, Randy?

Bud Harper:
Of course I do. How could I forget the little guy? You still on the soccer team?

Randy:
No, that's my older brother, Brad.

Bud Harper:
Oh, oh, you're the Karate Kid!

Randy:
No, that's Mark.

Bud Harper:
Oh. Well, what do you do?

Tim:
When you get older, you'll understand not everything is so cut and dried!

Randy:
I understand that now, Dad. You're taking the company line. You're a sellout. But then to be a sellout, you'd have to have principles to begin with.

Tim:
Hey, I not only have principles, but I'm your ride home!

Randy:
I'll take public transportation!

Tim:
Hey, don't use your fancy words with me. It's called a bus!

Tim:
What if he starts protesting leather? Says we can't eat meat. Or what if he starts falling in love with dolphins and says we gotta throw out all our tuna? I'm only saying this once: I love my kids, but I will never, EVER give up my tuna.

Bridget:
How come every time I drive by the plant, all that smoke is coming out of the stacks?

Tim, Al:
THEY'RE SMOKESTACKS!

Tim:
What do you expect to be coming out of there, Hai Karate? Some kind of whipped cream or something? What do you want?

Jill:
I'm Jill Taylor, I'm a counseling intern.

Lou Hanson:
Nice to meet you.

Jill:
Well, before we begin, I'd like to talk a little bit about my methodology. I am an avid proponent of emotionally focused couples therapy, which is founded on the belief that couples hide their primary emotions and instead exhibit secondary reactive emotions which result in negative interactions which is pursue/distance or blame/withdraw, serving as a defense against a more vulnerable, primary emotions. Any questions?

Lou Hanson:
Are you the only therapist or can we get someone else?

Jill:
I was a social activist in high school. I was very involved in the feminist movement. I went to rallies where hundreds of women burned their bras.

Tim:
I cheered those women on.

Wilson:
Tim, are you familiar with the I-Ching?

Tim:
Sure. The itching, the scratching, the chafing. That's why I switched to boxers, my friend.

Wilson:
No... No, actually, the I-Ching is the ancient book of Chinese wisdom. You ask a question about your life, and then you toss these coins, and you try to divine the answer from the book.

[later]

Wilson:
You know as Longfellow says, a torn jacket is soon mended, but hard words can bruise the heart of a child.

Tim:
Do you think I should have a talk with Harry?

Wilson:
Well, let's see what the I-Ching says. M-m, hm-m hm-m hm-m hm-m hm-mmm-mm. Yes, it says the situation is a microcosm juxtaposed against and created by the macrocosm of the universe. And there my neighbor, you have your answer.

[later]

Tim:
Well, how about some words of wisdom from Longfellow during his itching period. He said, "Don't juckopose anything in a macroscope in this universe."

Tim:
Wilson, let's say you didn't have my phone number and you wanted to call me.

Wilson:
I have your phone number, Tim.

Tim:
But what if you didn't?

Wilson:
I suppose I'd ask you for it.

Tim:
But what if you didn't know me?

Wilson:
Then why would I want to call you?

Tim:
If it doesn't say "Binford", someone else made it.

Tim:
I've got a good one for you: How much wood could a Wilson chop if a Wilson could chop wood?

Wilson:
[as he's cutting firewood] He could cut a quarter of a cord of conifer if you gave him a quarter for every cord he cut.

Mrs. Keeney:
[setting the scene for a dance] We're in New York.

Tim:
Gimme your wallet.

Wilson:
My heart attack didn't kill me, so why act like it did? See, Tim, it was the Roman philosopher Seneca who said "if we let things terrify us, then life is not worth living".

Tim:
Don't make a mountain out of a... pimple?

Wilson:
Or any type of epidermology. Happy birthday, Tim.

Tim:
Thanks, Wilson.

Tim:
[later] Jill, did you know Wilson had a heart attack 15 years ago?

Jill:
He did? Oh, no, you're not gonna freak out about that, are you?

Tim:
He's ok with it, and so am I. Apparently, he listened to an old rotary named Sonoco, who said "life isn't really worth living, if you have to pay for electricity while you're in Rome".

Tim:
My sons are interested in baseball cards as an investment, and they don't wanna get ripped off.

Salesman:
Sorry, all we do here is rip people off. Store policy.

Tim:
I didn't mean to insult you, Mister...?

Salesman:
Rip-offer. Con-man T. Rip-offer.

Tim:
From the famous Jack the Rip-offer family?

Brad:
Do you think maybe if no one tells Mom that I could drive the hot rod?

Tim:
Well, I was kind of waiting to surprise you... NO.

Jill:
[after Jill discovers her car after Tim drops a beam on it] Okay, so let me get this straight: First, you give me a hard time because I get one little, tiny scratch on the door. Then you have someone drop a building on it. Not only do you not tell me about any of this, but you also tell other people it was my fault.

Tim:
It could have been your fault.

Jill:
What?

Tim:
Maybe that scratch weakened the entire structure of this car, mmmm?

Jill:
[angrily] That is such a craige.

Tim:
Look, the important thing is this could've happened to anyone.

Jill:
Yeah, anybody who parked under a crane. And what kind of a crane operator drops a beam on a car? We should just sue this jerk for all he's worth.

Tim:
Oh, we wouldn't want to do that.

Jill:
Why?

Tim:
You married him.

Jill:
Oh, no. You did this? Do you mean we have to pay for this?

Tim:
Don't worry, I'm sure we got some beam stuff in our insurance.

Jill:
Tim, why couldn't you just leave my car alone?

Tim:
[after he dropped a beam on Jill's car] Hey, guys, is Mom home?

Brad:
Yeah, she's upstairs studying.

Tim:
Did she see Tool Time?

Randy:
No, I don't think so.

Tim:
Great.

Brad:
[gleefully] But *we* did.

Randy:
Hey, don't worry, Dad; Mom has always wanted a compact car.

Tim:
You didn't tell her, did you?

Brad:
Nope; we thought it would be more fun to watch *you* tell her.

Jill:
[not knowing Tim smashed her car on Tool Time] I was too busy to see your Tool Time show; sorry. How was it?

Tim:
Ohh, it was great, awesome.

Randy:
Smashing!

Al:
Show me the hand signals for swinging the crane.

Tim:
Hello? Boom!

[shows him, accidentally breaking Al's home-made crane model]

Tim:
Oh, sorry, Al. Uh, well I guess that's it for the hand signals.

Al:
Actually, Tim, I do have one another hand signal for you that's not in the manual.

Randy:
[regarding Vinnie McGurn] As of 3:00 pm today he's closed for business.

Al:
Didn't you study the manual at all?

Tim:
A real man doesn't need a manual.

Wilson:
You know Tim, there's an old folk saying. Obsessions are like fire and water. Good servants, but bad masters. See the point is: do you rule your obsession, or does your obsession rule you?

[later]

Tim:
I know I get crazy about cars, you know. My car, your car, anybody's car. But it's, it's like Bad Masterson said. You can't get obsessed the way old people drive through water, if their servants are on fire.

Tim:
Wilson, swallow a pigeon?

Wilson:
No Tim. I'm ululating.

Tim:
I didn't know men could do that.

Wilson:
No, no, no, Tim. Ululating is a Middle Eastern custom expressing joy and sorrow.

Tim:
What are you expressing now?

Wilson:
Sorrow, because I can't ululate.

Jill:
How do you think that Al is feeling right now? How do you think Ilene is feeling? How do you think I'm feeling? You told them about my Tarzan dream.

Tim:
Well how do you think *I'M* feeling?

Jill:
What do you have to feel bad about?

Tim:
I don't know. Give me a minute.

Al:
Well thank you, Tim! Ilene broke up with me. She took my car and said never wants to see me again.

Tim:
Al, she's coming back.

Al:
How do you know?

Tim:
If she doesn't, it's grand theft auto.

Tim:
[Tim, dressed as Tarzan, is swinging outside in the snow] Tim, it's 15 degrees out there.

Jill:
You Jane, me Fro-zan.

Al:
Last night, something very disturbing happened: Ilene... had a dream.

Tim:
No! Not a dream. While she was sleeping? I don't know, scientists may want to study her.

Tim:
Al, I only make fun of people and joke around with people I like.

Al:
Then you must like me an awful lot.

Tim:
I think of you as one of my brothers.

Al:
You do?

Tim:
Yeah. I used to joke and gag around with them all the time, that's why most of them won't speak to me to this day.

Al:
So you're saying that when you make fun of my weight and my beard, it's because you like me?

Tim:
Yeah.

Al:
How about when you tease me about wearing flannel?

Tim:
I do that because you look ridiculous.

Randy:
[Brad has spelled "Melonology" on a Scrabble board] Melonology?

Brad:
The study of melons.

Mark:
There is no such thing as melonology.

Brad:
Yeah, there is. Call the produce department at the grocery store, and find out!

Randy:
Who should I ask for, the melonologist?

Tim:
Ice cold pop for my favorite son.

Mark:
I'm your favorite son?

Tim:
Well, you're my last hope. One son looks like a sumo wrestler, the other one's in there putting moves on his mother.

[repeated line]

Wilson Wilson, Jr.:
I'm not at liberty to say.

Al Borland:
Congratulations, Tim, on your first intergalactic screw-up.

Al Borland:
You know, Wilson. I always pictured myself getting married and having a bustling house full of kids. I'm starting to reconsider.

Wilson Wilson, Jr.:
Well, Al, I wouldn't write off parenthood entirely. When you start off with a baby, you're a baby as a parent. Then as the children grow up, the parent grows too, so that hopefully when adolescence is reached, you're both ready for it.

Al Borland:
That's a wonderful thought, Wilson.

Wilson Wilson, Jr.:
Well, being a bachelor, it's easy to come up with these things.

Tim:
And remember, if your drill says Binford... GET OUTTA THE HOUSE. TOOLS AREN'T SUPPOSED TO TALK.

Tim:
For men, there are two kinds of vegetables: your beans and your potatoes. I had my beans yesterday.

Al:
I know.

Tim:
And now, the moment we've all been waiting for: the introduction of the Man's Kitchen. A guy's galley. I am man, hear me roast. [grunts]

Al:
Well, Tim, what do you say we start'er up?

Tim:
That's right. Only kitchen I know that has an ignition system. [flicks some switches and turns the key. SFX: engine won't start] Come on, come on.

Al:
Maybe we should get jumper cables, hook it up to another kitchen.

Tim:
Think I got it. [tries again. Man's Kitchen activates] Listen to that baby pur.

Tim Taylor:
Rock writes, "Dear Tim: I am the foreman for K & B Construction Company up here in Bay City. My crew and I watch you all the time. We love your clothes - especially the eclectic Italian look with triple-pleated slacks." Thanks, fellas.

Jill Taylor:
What are we gonna do about Brad and Randy? They keep tormenting Mark.

Tim Taylor:
That's why we had Mark - so they'd leave *us* alone.

Tim Taylor:
These are kids without central nervous systems, all right? We have to learn how to out-torment *them*.

Jill Taylor:
[unimpressed by the idea] Oh, I see; stoop to their level.

Tim Taylor:
Exactly! You wanna teach Brad and Randy a lesson? Tonight, when I'm cookin' that chili, I'll cut up this cauliflower, and we'll tell them we've got rabbit brains in there.

Mark Taylor:
Mom said you're supposed to be nice to me.

Randy Taylor:
You see Mom anywhere in this backyard? Now get lost.

Mark Taylor:
You've *got* to play with me; we're brothers.

Randy Taylor:
...We're not your brothers.

Mark Taylor:
Yes, you are.

Randy Taylor:
I'm gonna let you in on a secret. We're aliens from outer space.

Mark Taylor:
You're a big fat liar, Randy!

Randy Taylor:
My name isn't Randy; it's Zelnot!

Brad Taylor:
I'm Zorton.

Mark Taylor:
No, you're not; you're Brad and Randy.

Randy Taylor:
No... Brad and Randy are gone. We sucked the blood out of their brains and took over their bodies. We have *many* powers. We can read minds.

Mark Taylor:
No, you can't.

Randy Taylor:
I'll prove it. Zorton?

Brad Taylor:
Talk to me, Zelnot.

Randy Taylor:
I'm thinking of a number between one and ten; what is it?

Brad Taylor:
Four!

Randy Taylor:
That's right.

Tim Taylor:
Why are you walkin' backwards? You could hurt yourself doin' that.

Mark Taylor:
Better than getting all my blood sucked out.

Tim Taylor:
...He's got a good point there.

Jill Taylor:
Have you been talking to your brothers? What have they been telling you now?

Mark Taylor:
They think you're all from outer space.

Jill Taylor:
Honey, you know that's not true.

Tim Taylor:
Jill, sometimes you wake up early in the morning...

Mark Taylor:
Are you gonna make Brad and Randy say they're sorry?

Tim Taylor:
Well, you have two choices: You either make 'em apologize, or we could get even.

Mark Taylor:
Get even!

Tim Taylor:
That's my boy!

[Tim finds an old eight-track tape in the basement]

Tim Taylor:
"In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida."

[begins to sing, off key]

Tim Taylor:
In A Gadda Da Vida, baby...

[Jill takes the tape away]

Jill Taylor:
Who sang "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida"?

Tim Taylor:
I just was. In A Gadda Da Vida...

Jill Taylor:
Who sang "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" so people would want to hear it?

Tim:
Hey Pete, nice beard.

Pete:
Thank you, Tim, I grew it because of Al. He's my hero.

Tim:
Yeah, mine too.

Rock:
[making a sandwich with tools] Then you put on a generous dollop of oleo with your trowel. Then I take the cheese and I stick it between the bread.

Tim:
Good place for it.

Tim:
Okay, brainiac, who sang, "Play That Funky Music"?

Jill:
Wild Cherry, also 1976. Released on the epic label.

Tim:
Come on.

Jill:
"Come On", Tony Row, 1964.

Tim:
Stop!

Jill:
"... In The Name of Love". The Supremes, 1965.

Stu Cutler:
[trying to make a joke with Al] Nice beard - had chili for lunch, huh?

Al Borland:
[oblivious to the attempted humor] No, I didn't, Stu.

Stu Cutler:
[again trying to kid around]... So - gotta work with this jerk, huh, Al?

Al Borland:
Yes, I do, Stu... Well, it was nice meeting you.

Stu Cutler:
[as Al walks away] Uh, great sense of humor!

Al Borland:
Thank you.

Stu Cutler:
Now, you've lost some weight.

Jill Taylor:
Yeah, I have; thank you.

Tim Taylor:
Now *there" is a very human compliment.

Stu Cutler:
So what's the goal? Another ten?

Tim Taylor:
[dropping his head] Ohhh...

Stu Cutler:
Tim, if you hadn't married Jill, I would've.

Tim Taylor:
Now *there's* somethin' to think about, honey.

Stu Cutler:
Remember? You and me and Donna, drivin' around in our '68 Impala, top down, her blonde hair blowin' in the wind. Oh... god, she was a beauty.

Tim Taylor:
Sure was. What a car!

Tim Taylor:
Why should I say goodbye? He's been one of my best friends for fifteen years.

Wilson:
Oh, has he, Tim? Or was he your best friend fifteen years ago? You see, Tim, I believe it was St. Paul who said, "When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things."

Tim Taylor:
Tell you what - why don't you go down to Club Piranha and *you* hang out with those guys tonight?

Stu Cutler:
Without you? C'mon - it won't be the same.

Tim Taylor:
Stu, I don't think it *is* the same.

[a moment passes, and Mark presses his face up to the window]

Mark Taylor:
Dad - dinner's ready; can I turn on the video?

Tim Taylor:
Now, the important thing about puttin' a door in is hanging it, because if it's not hung well, you got a problem. Right, Al?

Al Borland:
Speak for yourself, Tim.

Tim Taylor:
Doors often change with age. The older a door gets, the more warped it becomes. Sometimes we forget... that things change with age.

Stu Cutler:
Tim, if you hadn't have married Jill. I would have.

Tim:
Now, there's something to think about, honey.

Jill:
Well... life would sure be different.

Stu Cutler:
It sure would. Timmy, you'd be visiting us tonight, and Jill would be a satisfied woman.

Tim:
Almost done with that beer, Stu?

[Tim has a piece of table glued to his head]

Jill Taylor:
Don't you think you should go to the emergency room?

Tim Taylor:
I was just there. They said I wasn't a priority.

Jill Taylor:
Why, because there was a guy with a whole table stuck to his head?

[Tim has a piece of table stuck to his head]

Jill Taylor:
Randy, set the table.

Randy Taylor:
Okay. Dad, bend over.

Brad:
I can't dance with my mother.

Jill:
Hey, I used to change your diaper and powder your butt. Now get over here.

Jennifer Sudarsky:
[requesting an autographed Tool Time photo for her father] Can you make it of Al? He really likes Al.

Tim Taylor:
We all like Al. BRAD, GET DOWN HERE!

Heidi:
Binford Tool is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor and Al "The Most Sensitive Guy in the World" Borland.

Al:
It's The Tiki Hut Cookbook.

Heidi:
Do you like it?

Al:
I love this. Now I can make pu-pu at home.

Wilson:
Cognitive dissonance is when pieces of our lives no longer make sense. Beliefs we've always held true seem to be false so we have to re-order our way of thinking.

Tim:
Ha ha ha. Are you saying that a Rambler could hook bumpers with a Ferrari?

Wilson:
It's very possible.

Tim:
No, no, no. If what you're saying is true then everything I believe is false. Let me think about this. This means that maybe cars aren't the most important thing in the world, opera is more manly than football? Al's mother is thin?

Heidi:
Scott and I are separated. He moved out two weeks ago.

Al:
Heidi, I'm so sorry. Why didn't you say something about this before?

Heidi:
Because I didn't want to bring my personal problems to work.

Tim:
Why not?

Heidi:
Because you said, "Don't ever bring your personal problems to work".

Tim:
Since when do you listen to me?

Heidi:
Since you said I'd better start listening to you.

Al:
[to Tim] Nice going, Mr. Compassion!

Wilson:
Tim, it is not easy to change one's perception of things, but it can be very healthy. Some people might even say it's a growth experience.

Tim:
Wilson, how far does this go? How do I really know you are who I think you are?

Wilson:
Well how do I know you are who I think you are?

Tim:
How do I know you're the one who said that?

Wilson:
How do I know you heard what I said?

Tim:
How do I know you're really here?

Wilson:
Who else would have the time to come out and listen to this silly conversation?

Tim:
There's two different types of pain. Pain and man pain.

Mark:
What's man pain?

Tim:
Man pain is when you do something stupid.

Tim:
Well, although we all can't be as spooky as Al, we can carve some pretty good jack o'lanterns.

Al:
That's right; as the audience can see, I'm all finished with mine.

[he turns it on, and it's a picture of Bob Vila; the audience applauds]

Tim:
Yeah, yeah; well, I could spend long boring hours chiseling it out with these, or I could put some excitement into the pumpkin-carving process - I would use what?

Crowd:
MORE POWER!

Tim:
You're darn right, more power; I've already chunked and chiseled this baby out, and now all I need is a small explosion to knock the pieces out.

Tim:
[after coming out of the basement, which he has decorated for Halloween] Well, honey, I don't believe we'll need to worry about the insurence salesmen for a while.

Randy:
[about the haunted house] Hey, can we go check it out?

Tim:
I don't know; it's pretty scary and dangerous down there. Are either one of you pregnant or wearing a pacemaker?

Randy:
[surprised] No.

Danny:
[Tim is dressed as Nana-stein, a creepy old woman] This is pathetic. You're in a dress, your son is a doll, and your wife is a radish.

Jill:
Hey, I'm a carrot. Learn your vegetables.

Tim:
Hey, lighten up; don't ruin this for everybody else, okay?

Danny:
If you built this, it's all gonna fall apart anyway. I've seen your show. It ought to be called Fool Time.

Tim:
[after pause] You know, making fun of Nana-stein's favorite show is not a good idea, son. Why don't you check out Nana's tool box.

Danny:
Oh ho, a tool box. I'm scared. What's gonna happen? Is a wrench gonna pop out and say, "Boo!"

Tim:
I don't know...

Danny:
[the tool box falls apart to reveal an upside-down bucket] Ooo ho ho, a bucket. I'm really scared.

[lifts the bucket to find Al's bloody fanged head]

Al:
Grrr! Arrr!

[Danny screams in fright and runs]

Jennifer Sadarski:
I'm sorry I didn't come as Raggedy Ann.

Brad Taylor:
[dressed as Raggedy Andy] Not as sorry as I am!

Al:
[unable to find Tim, who is hiding behind the set with a zombie mask on] Tim! Tim!

Tim:
[in a gruff voice] Tim's not here.

[he comes out with the mask on, trying to scare Al]

Tim:
Hey, Al, that's a good costume you got on; what are you?

Al:
[dryly] I'm Al.

Tim:
[shrieking to the camera] Ahhh, it's an Al!

Curtis:
Mrs. Taylor, why did Brad leave?

Jill:
[Dressed as a giant carrot] I guess he was feeling embarrassed about his costume.

Curtis:
Oh. So when are you gonna leave?

Curtis:
That's a nice costume, Mrs. Taylor. You can't even tell how fat you are.

Jill:
What are you supposed to be?

Curtis:
I'm an atom.

Jill:
Then why don't you split?

Jennifer Sadarski:
You embarrassed me. You should've seen Elaine. She was gloating.

Brad:
Why didn't you say something on the playground?

Jennifer Sadarski:
Bradley, how could you not notice? You can be so dense.

Brad:
Hey I may be dense, but my team won.

[Mark is dressed as Tim for Halloween]

Randy:
You should have gone as Al; we could've gotten more stuff.

Al:
I think one of these days, you're going to run out of flannel jokes.

Tim:
I don't think so, Al. Not with my "Complete Flannel Joke Book".

[Tim pulls out a heavy dictionary-sized hardcover book labelled "The Complete Flannel Joke Book" from behind a prop and opens it]

Tim:
"Why did the flannel cross the road? 'Cause Al was over there!" "Oh waiter, there's a fly in my flannel!" "Please... take my flannel!"

[Al snatches the book from Tim]

Tim:
Then there's your handy wallet-sized version!

[Tim pulls a tiny hardcover book of the same color out of his pocket]

Tim:
"How do you keep an idiot wearing flannel in suspense?"

[Al snatches the second book]

Tim:
I'll tell you tomorrow!

Jill:
Wilson, do you think humans are more important than machines?

Wilson:
Without a doubt. Although, I *am* awfully fond of my waffle maker.

Jill:
Well could you *please* tell that to the knucklehead I'm married to?

Wilson:
Oh, he knows. He's had my waffles.

Wilson:
I think you should know Tim, I'm a Bi-athlete.

Tim:
Hey, whatever you do behind closed doors is your business.

Tim Taylor:
What makes a legal pad legal? Is there such a thing as an illegal pad?

Tim:
I'm no more valuable than Al.

Al:
I agree.

Tim:
On the job site, there's no difference between Al's tools and my tools.

Al:
Actually, Tim, there is: at the end of the job...

[Tries to switch on Tim's soupled-up power sander]

Al:
...my tools still work.

Randy:
[Trick or Treaters at the door consist of a Buzz Lightyear and Simba the lion] Okay, 2 for the space man and seven for the cute little lion.

Tim:
I'm driving.

Al:
[Dressed as Santa Claus] Now, Tim, it's against regulations to let an elf drive the sleigh.

Brad:
He wouldn't!

Mark:
He couldn't!

Randy:
He's Dad!

Tim:
Wilson, are you naked?

Wilson:
No, Tim, I am wearing a hat.

[the boys are trying to stop Tim's snoring]

Brad:
What if we hold his nose shut?

Randy:
Then he'll breath through his mouth.

Brad:
What if we hold his nose and mouth shut?

Randy:
I think that's called murder.

Al:
Heidi, bring out whatever ridiculous thing Tim souped up today!

[Tim and Jill are watching Mark at his karate class]

Jill:
Look at that; his fists are clenched so tight, his little knuckles are turning white. Don't you think he should, I don't know, loosen that up a bit?

Tim:
Oh, yeah, a loose fist will do him any good. That's why, at boxing matches, the ref always says, 'Alright, guys, I want you to come out slapping.'

[changes his voice, swats air]

Tim:
'Take that, you big, mean man! Take that!'

Mother:
Get out of my face.

Jill:
Why don't you tell that to your breakfast donut?

Tim:
[after unsuccessfully breaking a block of wood with his head] B-Binford Tools. Messages. We have 'em.

Al:
We'll be right back.

Brad:
Hey Dad, I heard a woman hit you with her purse.

Randy:
What happened? She wouldn't let you borrow her make-up?

Tim:
Son, you wanna say that one more time to me?

Randy:
No.

Jill:
Why are you so fascinated with fighting? I don't want anybody to beat anybody up. What is wrong with you people? You make me sick. I just want you to love each other, you big bunch of jerks.

Tim:
[to Brad and Randy] Er, you satisfied? You know she was talking to you two.

Mark:
You guys are lying.

Jill:
Mark, let me handle this. You guys are lying.

Wilson:
Have you thought about what you'll study in college?

Brad:
Yeah, I think about it all the time.

Wilson:
Besides girls.

Brad:
Then no.

Tim Taylor:
Where are my patented turkey gloves, woman? I cannot prepare our thanksgiving turkey without these specific gloves

Jill Taylor:
It isn't thanksgiving you dolt, clean yourself up before Al and his shriveled up manhood come and lick it up.

Tim Taylor:
Randy, have I ever shown you how to fist a live turkey? It's quite simple really, you just push inside with your fist until it bleeds. Just think about your mother to get the anger brewing.

Randy Taylor:
It is wrong to eat meat dad, I would never do that to a poor turkey.

Tim Taylor:
They like it when I do it. Sometimes I even substitute my fist with my little Toolman Taylor, if you catch my drift. Turkey likey.

Tim:
Hello, everybody. I'm Tim, the "cool" man, Taylor... and you know my assistant, the King, "Al-vis"!

Al:
And we're going to have a rocking good time, because we're going to make a rocking chair.

Tim:
This is the last theme show we're gonna do.

Jill Taylor:
Do you really think I can do this thing?

Tim Taylor:
Yes, of course; you can do anything you want, Jill. Nobody thought you could land me as a husband, and...

[he grins widely]

Jill Taylor:
Well, that's certainly inspirational.

Tim Taylor:
There's nothing wrong with a man doing housework; I mean, Al does a lot of the cleaning around here.

Al Borland:
I do *all* the cleaning, Tim.

Tim Taylor:
Yeah, right, Al.

Al Borland:
I could use some help.

Tim Taylor:
We all could, Al.

Mark Taylor:
I have a woman - Mommy.

Randy Taylor:
Your mommy can't be your woman, doofus.

Tim Taylor:
A lot of men pay a psychiatrist a lot of money to figure *that* one out.

Jill Taylor:
I just feel self-conscious getting up in front of a group of people.

Tim Taylor:
You don't like the way you look?

Jill Taylor:
What's wrong with the way I look?

Tim Taylor:
Nothing - it was just a question.

Jill Taylor:
Why was that the *first* question you asked?

Tim Taylor:
All right, here's another first question: Are you so attractive and thin you're afraid to go up in front of people?

Jill Taylor:
So what are you saying? I'm fat and ugly?

[at a loss, Tim tries to ignore her]

Brad Taylor:
What are you doing in here? You're supposed to be downstairs helping me get finished dusting.

Randy Taylor:
I'm just up here tellin' Mom a joke. I'm being a *good* son.

Tim Taylor:
What're you doin'?

Wilson:
Just carving out a canoe, Tim.

Tim Taylor:
...Sounds hard.

Wilson:
Not really, Tim - you just take a big block of wood, and chip away everything that's not a canoe.

Tim Taylor:
Don't think of the audience as a group. When I first did "Tool Time", I was petrified, so I tried to visualize it as just one person.

Jill Taylor:
The first time you did "Tool Time", there *was* just one person.

Tim Taylor:
[Tim and Mark are wearing women's hats and earrings, pretending to be Jill's audience] We are supporting our woman, by being women... Mark, you don't do this outside the house, OK?

Tim Taylor:
[in falsetto, pretending to be a woman in Jill's audience] Ever get some phlegm caught in your throat you can't get out? You just don't see old women goin' like this, do ya?

[he pretends to aggressively spit out a wad of phlegm]

Al Borland:
Do anything fun this weekend?

Mark Taylor:
Daddy and I dressed up like women.

Al Borland:
...Oh, really?

Tim Taylor:
It's not like it sounds, Al.

Mark Taylor:
Daddy had Mommy's hat on, and we both wore earrings.

Al Borland:
Well, of course; earrings would complete the ensemble.

Tim Taylor:
It's not like I had a bra on or anything, Al.

Al Borland:
Well, maybe next time, Tim.

Jill Taylor:
I'm going to be standing in front of 250 people. That's 500 eyes watching me, 500 ears listening to me.

Tim Taylor:
Ugh, that's a thousand organs. No wonder you're nervous.

Gregory:
I can't masticate in front of strangers.

Tim Taylor:
Who can?

Tim Taylor:
My son has been having a little trouble with your boss.

Rev. Mike Webber:
The bishop?

Tim Taylor:
No, THE boss.

Rev. Mike Webber:
Springsteen?

Tim Taylor:
HIS boss.

Rev. Mike Webber:
[finally realizing] Oh...

Randy:
[about going to church] A lot of the time I question why I'm there.

Tim:
Well you question all you want to so long as your butt is in that pew.

Tim:
I'm having a little trouble with my 15 year old son. He's having a little trouble with your boss.

Rev. Mike Webber:
The bishop?

Tim:
The Boss.

Rev. Mike Webber:
Springsteen?

Tim:
His boss.

Rev. Mike Webber:
Ah, God. Gotcha.

Tim:
I feel that if I don't try, then the kid may...

Rev. Mike Webber:
Wind up on the wrong path?

Tim:
It's like he's been crusing along 275 in a great line then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, he get's off an exit and there he is on Telegraph.

Rev. Mike Webber:
Potholes, permanent construction.

Tim:
I used to race on Telegraph.

Rev. Mike Webber:
Yeah, those were some sporting races. I remember one night some kid took this beautiful Chevelle Super Sport, a '67. Man, he just corkscrewed off a turn - the idiot wrecked it!

Tim:
I was there. I was there.

Rev. Mike Webber:
That was a cherry car. The guy built it; he must have built it, but he couldn't handle it.

Tim:
No no, he could handle it. Look, it was a '68, and it was a Nova and the kid did all he c- Let's talk about Randy a minute, can we?

Tim:
You know, there's a place where people get together and pray for God's protection.

Randy:
Dad, I'm not going to church.

Tim:
I was talking about Tool Time.

Tim:
Convictions and beliefs. What do they have to do with religion?

Elaine Jenkins:
Ever been to Vegas?

Randy:
Yeah, went last year. Got a fake ID, hooked up with a show girl and won 12 grand.

Elaine Jenkins:
Any of that true?

Randy:
Not a word.

Tim:
Why not take her some Tool Time tapes?

Jill:
Please, the woman's suffered enough.

Tim:
I go to the opera with you.

Jill:
Oh, once. I've sat through three Rambo movies. When was the last time you took me to a foreign film?

Tim:
Didn't we just see "Le Robocop"?

Tim:
Hey Al, we need a fourth player for our poker game tonight. You wanna join us?

Al:
I haven't played in about ten years.

Tim:
Perfect.

[Jill wants to play poker with the men]

Tim:
You can't sit down at this table unless you can bench-press 180 pounds.

[Al stands up]

Tim:
Al, sit down!

[Robin keeps interrupting the poker game, much to Charlie's annoyance]

Tim:
She's gonna keep interrupting the game if you don't apologize.

Fred:
Hey, never apologize. It's admitting you're wrong. I have never once apologized to any woman.

Tim:
How many times have you been married?

Fred:
Three.

Tim:
Why do you suppose that is?

Fred:
I can't find a woman who understands me.

[after Tim opens Al's jacket to reveal a loud Hawaiian shirt]

Tim Taylor:
What the *hell* are you wearing?

Al Borland:
Mo says sometimes I tend to blend into the background.

Tim Taylor:
You're *supposed* to blend into the background!

[repeated line]

Tim Taylor:
Shut up, Al.

Jill:
We never said we weren't going to have another baby.

Tim:
I've said it, I've talked about it. I know I've talked about it. I mentioned it on Tool Time.

Jill:
Oh great, so eleven people know about it?

Tim:
Do you remember babies at all? Dirty diapers, colic, 2:00 am feedings, 3:00 am feedings. I don't have the energy for that any more.

Jill:
You don't have the energy to say, "Wake up, Jill, the baby wants you"?

Tim:
Heidi, my fire-starting device please.

Heidi:
Here you go, Tim.

Tim:
Very high-tech, it's a *stick*!

Tim:
[Tim catches Randy and Brad up late watching a horror movie] Wow, he's coming after those teens with a McCulloch 10-10S chainsaw; a damn fine choice. Nice job, ghoul!

Randy Taylor:
[referring to himself and Brad] Billy's mom thinks we're perfect little gentlemen.

Tim Taylor:
Billy's mom thought she saw Elvis yesterday at the gas station.

Tim Taylor:
In a shop, tape hangs on a hook because it has a hole in it.

Jill Taylor:
So does your head, but it's not hanging on a hook.

Mark Taylor:
You know that tape measure that you could never find?

Tim Taylor:
Go ahead. Tell me, you lost it.

Mark Taylor:
No. Brad and Randy broke it.

Tim Taylor:
Good to have you back, son.

Tim Taylor:
I can't believe I'm even saying this, but you're taking all the fun out of Shakespeare.

Wilson:
Your father told me that my over-zealous pedagogy would only extinguish your Elizabethan exuberance.

Randy:
My dad said that?

Wilson:
Actually he said I was being a jackass.

Randy:
That's Dad.

[repeated line]

Tim Taylor:
I have no opinion.

Tim:
If I wanted something my brother had, I'd knock him down and take it.

Tim:
Al, what's your favorite part of gardening?

Al:
Getting down and dirty with my hoe!

[after Tim jokes about Jeff's baldness]

Jeffrey "Jeff" Taylor:
How many times do I have to tell you? I'm not bald, I'm just taller than my hair.

Tim:
Helping my mom move will allow me to do something I've always wanted to do.

Wilson:
Spend more time with her?

Tim:
No, drive a really big truck.

Tim:
[Driving an 18-wheeler] I love this truck. This is great. 5-speed tranny, 5 tons of big, Detroit diesel, this could be the greatest day of my life. Arr arr arr.

Jill:
Tim, you are driving way too fast.

Tim:
[to himself] If I were alone, this could be the greatest day of my life.

Al Borland:
Cheerio, Tim.

Tim:
Frosted Flakes to you, Al.

Tim:
Scott wouldn't cheat on Heidi; he's a Chevy guy.

Jill:
Well, his Chevy is parked in someone else's garage.

Brad:
[shouts] Randy!

Randy:
Yeah?

Brad:
It's all over school about what Jason said about your girl hands; but don't worry, I stood up for you!

Jill:
Good for you, Brad!

Brad:
Yeah, I got you something to make you feel better.

Randy:
What is it?

Brad:
Passion-pink fingernail polish!

[Brad runs off laughing hysterically]

Randy:
[chasing Brad] You meany!

Tim:
It's a warning light; didn't it occur to you there might be a little problem?

Jill:
I thought if there was a problem with the car that the light would get brighter, or there would be a buzzer.

Tim:
A buzzer? It's a car, not a game show.

Jill:
What, do you have rocks in your head? Don't you think?

Tim:
Let's talk about who doesn't think for a minute - who drove around for two days with the oil light on?

Jill:
Wait - I thought you said you weren't going to bring up the oil light.

Tim:
With all those rocks in my head, sometimes I don't know *what* I'm sayin'!

Tim:
You know why I like tools? Because they fix things - you tear down a motor, see the problem, it's right there - boom; it's fixed. I wish I could fix things between us that easily.

Randy Taylor:
[to Sir Larry] Hey, you're great! I saw you at Chris Johnson's birthday party!

Sir Larry Houdini:
Ahhh, lovely little girl.

Randy Taylor:
Chris is a boy.

Sir Larry Houdini:
Strange little boy.

Tim Taylor:
I don't know what it is about football and me; I'm obsessed, I think.

Wilson:
Well, why do you think that is, Tim?

Tim Taylor:
I think it's 'cause I love it, Wilson. I love the surprise, and the strategy, and the strength, and the big guys with the logos and the colorful helmets, the shine of the pads, and the mouthguards and the cleats, and the hittin', the impact, the swearin', the sweatin', arr arr arr arr!... It sets me free!

Marty Taylor:
[looking for a job] Here's one: work long hours and on weekends with low pay.

Harry:
I already have that job.

Tim:
[Has signed an autograph for a fan] All right, there you go.

Kiki Von Fursterwallenscheinlaw:
Could you put my last name too?

Tim:
Well you know, my wife is due back...

Kiki Von Fursterwallenscheinlaw:
Kiki Von Fursterwallenscheinlaw.

Jill Taylor:
[discussing Jill's upcoming job interview] Tim, do you ever listen to me? It was the last thing that I said in bed to you last night.

Tim Taylor:
No; I believe, if you recall, the last thing you said to me in bed last night was "NO!"

Jill Taylor:
[smirking] You're thinking of tonight.

Tim Taylor:
[wanting to go to a tool sale at Sears] I'll be back in twenty minutes.

Jill Taylor:
Twenty minutes! Who are you kidding? You'll be down there drooling, fondling all the tools, your eyes bugging out. You don't even look at me like that.

Tim Taylor:
I would if you were two speeds and reversible.

Tim Taylor:
This is *my* house, that is *my* dishwasher, and I will rewire it if I want to.

Jill Taylor:
No! You will not rewire it and screw it up like you did the blender. End of discussion.

[Jill walks out]

Tim Taylor:
What is your problem with the blender? It's the only blender on the block that can puree a brick!

Jill Taylor:
This is great! Now I've gotta take advice from a guy who prances around a TV studio, grunting like a baboon...

Tim Taylor:
What does that have to do with it?

Jill Taylor:
...while Miss Binford Tool Girl flashes her big headlights.

Tim Taylor:
Lisa?

Jill Taylor:
[sarcastic] No - Al!

Tim:
Jill got mad at me because I didn't listen to her.

Wilson:
No, I think she got mad at you because you blew up the damn dishwasher.

Bill:
Thank you. When do I start the job?

Tim:
Job? We're just playing a game. There is no job.

Bill:
I took a whole day off for nothing? I assumed there was a job.

Tim:
Well, you know what happens when you assume.

[Bill glowers at him]

Tim:
Well, what happens is... Heidi is gonna tell you what you've won.

Heidi:
Uh... You won this key ring with a handy can opener. There you go.

Tim:
There you go.

Bill:
Yeah, that's gonna come in real handy 'cause I'm about to open up a can of whup-ass on the Tool Man!

Gracie Taylor:
[the girls got Spice Girls dolls] I got Posh Spice!

Claire Taylor:
[disappointed] I got Sporty Spice. I want Posh Spice.

Jill:
But you love Sporty Spice. You were Sporty Spice for Halloween.

Claire Taylor:
I want Posh Spice!

Gracie Taylor:
But they gave ME Posh Spice.

Tim:
Upstairs I got some Old Spice.

Tim:
What do we want?

Brad:
Scholarship.

Tim:
How are we going to get it?

Brad:
Hard work.

Tim:
I can't hear you.

Brad:
Hard work.

Tim:
I can't hear you!

Brad:
Hard work!

Tim:
I can't hear you.

Brad:
HARD WORK!

Tim:
I heard you!

Tim:
Hello, everyone. I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. And of course, you all know my assistant "He eats, therefore he is" Al Borland.

Jill:
No, I'm not happy. My oldest son is heartbroken, and my youngest son is dressing like Johnny Cash!

Tim:
I do things with both of the guys, you know. Brad and I like to go to sporting events, work on the Hot Rod and build stuff with my tools. Randy and I joke. I make jokes, he makes jokes, we make jokes. The jokes go back and forth. He jokes, I joke, there's a lot of jokes going on.

Wilson:
Sounds like you share your jocularity.

Tim:
No he couldn't fit into mine.

Brad:
Wanna go play some Zombie Sneak Attack?

Randy:
Can't do it. Dad made a few adjustments. The zombies won't be coming back from the dead any more.

Brad:
Knee ya sex time... I mean see ya next time.

Heidi:
Nervous about being on Tool Time Brad?

Brad:
A-a little

Heidi:
Here'a a trick I used when I was new: just picture everyone in their underwear.

Brad:
[stares at Heidi] I don't think that's going to help.

Randy:
It's not junk, it's Heavy Metal.

Tim:
It sounds like they banging their heads on their guitars while they're getting their teeth drilled.

Randy:
Hey, cool - you saw the video.

Jill:
What causes sibling rivalry?

Tim:
Having more than one kid!

Wilson:
Well, Tim, I'm reminded of what the Chinese philosopher Chuang Tse said. You cannot speak of the ocean to a well frog, you cannot speak of ice to a summer insect.

[later]

Tim:
Well this ancient Chinese ice-cream salesman, Yung Su, found that frozen frogs and wet insects couldn't talk cos they were colder'n one another.

Tim Taylor:
[working on his hot rod] Hey, Randy - you finish your homework?

Randy Taylor:
Yeah.

Tim Taylor:
Wanna help?

Randy Taylor:
[leaving] No.

Tim Taylor:
Where did I go wrong with him?

Jill Taylor:
Don't worry about it; he's not yours.

Tim Taylor:
You can't unplug the sink with needlenose pliers.

Jill Taylor:
I'm gonna use the pliers to get your screwdriver out of the drain.

Tim Taylor:
Look - you've got to learn basic plumbing. What would happen if I died?

Jill Taylor:
And all the plumbers are dead?

Tim Taylor:
I don't think you realize that I worked two hours on this sink!

Jill Taylor:
But I worked two hours on this sink before you did.

Tim Taylor:
Worked? You just threw tools down there.

Tim Taylor:
Honey, I thought we share responsibilities here.

Jill Taylor:
We do.

Tim Taylor:
Well, I learned how to do the laundry, separate the colors, put the fabric softener in.

Jill Taylor:
Wait - wait a minute. When was the last time that you did the laundry, Tim?

Tim Taylor:
You know, that's - this isn't the point. The point is, I learned how to do it. I don't see you out there changing spark plugs.

Jill Taylor:
Do you want me to go out and change the spark plugs?

Tim Taylor:
You don't know how to do it.

Jill Taylor:
That's why I *don't* do it.

Tim Taylor:
This is an excuse, women, and you're not the type to have excuses. You need to be taught. I don't think you're stupid just 'cause you don't know anything... You know, I - that didn't come out right.

Tim Taylor:
To me, it's the effort you put into things, not just the grade, that counts.

Brad Taylor:
So it's OK if I flunk?

Tim Taylor:
No! I don't want you livin' here when you're 25. "Dad - you wanna shave together or somethin'?"

Jill Taylor:
[posing as a "Tool Time" audience member] My husband always yells at me a lot when he tries to teach me something.

Tim Taylor:
That's probably because he used meta-messages; that's making things sound more complicated than they are... using technical jargon to make women feel inferior. And I'm sure he didn't know that he was doing that, and I'm sure he's real sorry that he did that.

Jill Taylor:
Well, uh, I wouldn't mind learning if my husband were as patient and understanding as you are - although, I must say, um, he is your biggest fan.

Tim Taylor:
If a woman holds up a stop sign, if she designed it, it would say "If you really knew me, you'd know what you should do right now".

Jill Taylor:
Brad, you're way too young to be thinking about kissing. There's other things you need to think about first, like, um, shaving.

Brad Taylor:
I shaved.

Randy Taylor:
Not a cat, stupid!

Jill Taylor:
We're parents. When our kids play doctor, we nail them for malpractice.

Randy:
Let me get this straight. Mark gets fewer rules because he's a dork, and I get more rules because Brad's a dork.

Jill:
So how was your date with Lauren?

Randy:
Oh, great! We went on another lovely afternoon date. First we went to the afternoon movie where the theater was full of old people who sat there explaining the movie to each other, and then we went to a restaurant full of old people who kept saying, "Does this fish have bones? I hate bones!"

Al:
[after Tim has fallen through the ice] I can't believe that you came up here without an extra set of clothes.

Tim:
Well, I wasn't planning on falling through the ice.

Al:
Well, everyone knows that when coming on a trip like this you have to be prepared for every possible contingency, and with you every contingency is possible. You should just be glad that I brought a spare change of clothes.

Tim:
Oh, yeah, right

[he stands up showing that the pants and shirt are way too big]

Tim:
What is this, one size fits Al?

Al:
[after Tim has fallen through the ice] You know, Tim, I was hoping that on this trip we would be able to talk on a more personal level.

Tim:
Personal? How much more personal can it get, I'm wearing your underwear.

Al:
Well, I was hoping that we could talk about our hopes, our dreams and fears...

[pause as Tim reaches into the pocket of his wet jeans and realizes that he has lost the car keys]

Al:
Tell me you didn't lose the car keys.

Tim:
I hope I didn't, but I fear I did. You want to go and look, I've already been in.

Tim:
[while chiseling a hole through ice for ice fishing he accidentally knocks Al's chisel through the ice] Where you attached to that chisel?

Al:
What, Tim that, that chisel has been in my family for generations, it was handed down to me by my great-grandfather Hal Borland.

Tim:
Well, it's not like it was new.

Al:
[Tim is fiddling with the heater] What are you doing?

Tim:
I'm using my know-how to double the heat out of this thing.

Al:
Would that be the same know-how you used to double the size of the hole?

Tim:
[Watching a little TV in an ice shanty] I can't tell whether Gilligan got them off the island or the Pistons are about to score.

Randy:
[Tim is wearing a kilt] Hi, Mom, where's Dad?

Brad:
You lied to me, you said I could go to the truck rally.

Tim:
Does sneaking out and breaking windows ring a bell to you?

Brad:
Ah, why don't you just go...

[mutters]

Tim:
What did you just say to me?

Brad:
Nothing.

Tim:
You just got two more days, pal.

Brad:
Fine, pal.

Jill:
Thanks for making me look bad.

Tim:
What?

Jill:
"Your mother and I need to talk?" That means, "My pal, the greatest dad on earth, wants me to go the truck rally, but Ilse, the wicked she-mother, doesn't." You do this to me all the time.

Tim:
Oh, come on, Ilse.

Tim:
Had fun?

Jill:
[deaf from monster truck race] Huh?

Tim:
Just would like to see if you had fun.

Jill:
[louder] Huh?

Tim:
You're trying to say that those trucks are pretty loud, huh?

Jill:
Not now, I'm all dirty!

Wilson:
Tim, are you growing a beard?

Tim:
What d'you think?

Wilson:
Well, I'm not sure. I could never understand why a man would wanna hide his face.

Al:
The space between your ears could fill the Mall of America. [Tim hisses]

Tim:
Next, we'll try to convert some poor sap into Al's house guest.

Al:
Then we'll convert that stuff on your face into an actual beard.

Tim:
Gee, Al not everyone can grow a beard as fast as your mom.

Tim:
You all know my assistant, Al Borland... Al? We're on the air, Al!

Al:
[From inside the bathroom] What?

[Rushes out]

Al:
You could have given me some warning.

Tim:
Where would the fun be in that?

Wilson:
What I'm trying to say is that most people think the best way to get rid of a wart is to cut it off, but in actuality that isn't the best solution. See, the wart will reappear because the virus is still below the surface of the skin.

Tim:
So just putting my two warts in separate rooms isn't going to cure this problem, eh?

Wilson:
No, Tim. The only way to get rid of a wart is to go below the surface of the oily skin and dig out the root.

Tim:
I see. Thanks. And Wilson, this is - bar none - the most disgusting conversation we've ever had.

Al:
[in a soundproof booth that isn't really soundproof] Tim, can you hear me?

[Tim shakes his head]

Al:
You can't hear me? In that case, I should be the host of this show. And another thing, that's a stupid haircut you have! And another thing,

[sings]

Al:
I am the very model of a modern major general / I've information vegetable, animal and mineral / I know the kings of England and I quote the facts historical / From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical.

Tim:
Al.

Al:
Yes?

Tim:
Can you hear me?

Al:
I can hear YOU.

Tim:
Think about that.

[salutes Al]

Tim:
Major General Borland.

Brad:
[On the phone] I just gave her a taste of my Jello, it's not like we both chewed on the same piece of gum.

Tim:
If I ever said it was hard living with you, just say one word, "Al".

Jill:
It's that bad, huh?

Tim:
His mother recorded his whole life on video tape. Last night it was three hours of Muskie Fishing With Uncle Phil. Did you know that in the seventh grade he built a replica of the Washington Monument out of popcicle sticks?

Jill:
Lot's of kids do stuff like that.

Tim:
It was life sized.

Al:
It's difficult to go through life with a deviated septum.

Tim:
It could be worse. You could be working at the circus as Al the Donkey Boy.

Tim:
[Al has locked him out] Al, you can't end it like this. We've had a relationship for three years.

Al:
It's over between us.

Tim:
Al, open the door.

Al:
No. You should never have made that recording of me in bed.

Tim:
[about a hotel room] The bed was like sleeping on a bag of rocks.

Jill:
And the room was so small.

Tim:
Small? It was so small the mice were hunchback. It was so small that when I put my key through the door it went out the window. It was so small all you could order was condenced milk. I had a folding toothbrush. It was so small there was no room for complaint.

Tim:
[to Jill] It's much better kissing you. Al's beard was so scratchy. At least you shave.

Tim Taylor:
[incredulous of Wilson] Everybody's got a TV!

Wilson:
Not me; I just use my imagination... watch the pictures inside my mind.

Tim Taylor:
...Cuts down on reruns, then, doesn't it?

Wilson:
Not really, Tim; there's always d?j? vu.

Jill Taylor:
Tim, what do you actually know about installing a satellite dish?

Tim Taylor:
It's simple. Mount it, point it straight up. Any man could do that.

Jill Taylor:
Yeah, but it has to stay up longer than ten seconds.

Tim:
[Playing with Buzz Lightyear doll] I am Buzz Lightyear. No, *I* am Buzz Lightyear. No, *I* am Buzz Lightyear. No, I come in peace.

Doll:
I come in peace.

Tim:
No, *I* come in peace.

Gracie:
That's Mr. Lion Cub.

Tim:
Sorry, I've never been a lion cub before.

Randy:
I have. You know, I gotta tell you it's a tough gig. Everyone expects you to be king.

Tim:
[playing tea party; in high voice] Now, what would Her Royal Fridigness like to have?

Randy:
How about a lobotomy?

Tim:
Well look who's here. It's the village idiot.

Tim:
Hey Cousin Randy, why don't you play with Cousin Gracie so Uncle Tim can go play with Mr. Hot Rod?

Randy:
Well, Cousin Randy would love to, but unfortunately I've got to spend a couple hours with Uncle Chemistry and Aunt Algerbra.

Tim:
Why don't you tell the audience out there what Uncle Tim says whenever he starts a project.

Gracie Taylor:
Ow, that hurts?

Tim:
Come on, what does he say?

Claire Taylor:
Call 911?

Tim:
No. What did I say backstage?

Gracie Taylor:
Al, your mom's fat?

Jill:
What do you want to talk about?

Tim:
I wanna talk about what Sherlock Wendell Holmes said. The reason I want daughters is because they're like rotten peaches. I should just play with my pears.

Jill:
I think it would be better for all concerned if you didn't father any more children.

Tim:
Guy A challenges Guy B. Guy B accepts the challenge, Guy A is automatically challenged by Guy B not to back down from the challenge that A gave to Guy B.

Jill:
Okay, let me explain to you the workings of the female mind: Guy A and Guy B are both idiots and Randy is not racing.

Tim:
You just don't understand the intrecacies of the male mind.

Jill:
Explain it to me, I've got a minute.

Randy:
I'm the shortest kid in my class and don't tell me my height doesn't matter.

Jill:
It doesn't matter. It's what's inside of you that counts, don't sell yourself short. Sorry.

Brad:
This isn't going to be one of your 'When I was a little girl' stories, is it?

Jill:
No, now just sit down... When I was a little person about your age...

[Jill has completely dried, cleaned, and waxed Tim's hot rod, which was in sad shape after Jill left it outside during a blizzard; the car now looks perfect]

Tim:
This is the best thing you could give me.

Jill:
I gave you three boys.

Tim:
But none of them came out this clean.

Tim:
Oh no, we overslept.

Al:
I have to go.

Tim:
No, stick around awhile.

Al:
[Running outside] No, I mean I have to GO.

Tim:
We have a bathroom in the house, Al.

Tim:
[sees his hot rod covered in snow] My hot rod!

Brad:
You always said you wanted a snow-mobile.

Jill Taylor:
I don't wanna be a nagging wife.

Tim Taylor:
Then, how would I recognize you?

[Janeen Rae Heller has been invited on Tool Time to play the saw]

Janeen Rae Heller:
Any requests?

Al Borland:
I have one. It's from my favorite movie.

Tim Taylor:
Do you know the theme to Dumbo?

Al Borland:
Tim, that's my favorite movie about an elephant.

Tim Taylor:
[of the hot tub he'll give to Jill] I think I'll put it over where this swing is. You guys don't use this anymore, do you?

Randy Taylor:
Yeah, we do. Last week we tied Mark to it.

Tim Taylor:
[the granite guy came on to Jill] You should've fired him!

Jill Taylor:
I did fire him!

Tim Taylor:
You fired the granite guy?

Wilson:
[signing the blues] I was tellin' my baby how I was feeln'.

Tim:
A big wooden balll came down from the cealin'.

Wilson:
Now we're gonna have a discussion.

Tim:
Cause my baby gave me a concussion.

Wilson, Tim:
Causee we have the roll down croquetball blues.

[in song]

Wilson:
I told my baby how I was feeling.

Tim:
A big wooden ball fell down from the ceiling.

Wilson:
Now we're gonna have a discussion.

Tim:
Cuz my baby gave me a concussion.

Wilson & Tim:
We got the low down croquet ball blues.

Tim:
Hello, everyone, I'm Tim "The Blues Man" Taylor. and of course, you all know my assistant Al "The Reason I Got the Blues" Borland.

Al:
Colonel, allowing Tim to drive a tank well that's jeprodizing national security.

Tim:
Would you cut it out Al.

Lt. Col. McDougal:
Al you've got nothing to worry about, we've got 10,000 marines on the base to keep an eye on Tim.

Al:
It's not enough.

Tim:
Well congratulations, you've just did what most countries couldn't do, you got the Marines to retreat.

Lt. Col. McDougal:
Tim if I remember correctly you were such a woss the Cub Scouts wouldn't take you.

Tim:
Well the Girl Scouts loved me.

Tim:
What are the odds of me driving a tank again.

Lt. Col. McDougal:
About the same as Tool Time winning an Emmy.

Randy:
Hey Dad, why didn't you marry Al?

Tim:
Um, I thought about it. I just couldn't stand the thought of him baring my children. Little babies with beards and flannel diapers...

Tim:
Are you saying we as in "we" or we as in "weeeeeeee"?

[Wilson offers Tim an ancient wooden African throne]

Tim:
It's nice, but if I'm gonna be sitting on a throne, it's gonna be porcelain, my friend.

Heidi:
Hey Wilson, I would love to have this antique cheese whipper.

Al:
That's not fair. I saw it first. I'll give you twice the asking price.

Heidi:
I'll double that.

Wilson:
Well, that brings us up to eighty cents.

Al:
I'm out.

Brad:
Dad, grandma's on the phone. She wants to talk to you.

[Hands Tim the phone]

Tim:
Thanks. Hi, Lillian. No Jill's not here she's uh, out, you know, buying stuff to nurse her cold. What? Oh, my God that's, that's horrible, Lillian. How did it happen? Oh, how are you doing? Oh boy, this is horrible news. What can I do? Wh-ju-ju. Oh yeah, go ahead and call all them, and Jill will call you as soon as she gets back. O.K. Bye.

[Wilson, Heidi and Al come to the fence]

Wilson:
Tim, what happened?

Tim:
Jill's dad died.

[as Jill enters the room, talking about her day]

Tim:
Your mom called a little while ago.

Jill:
Oh no, let me guess. She's mad cuz I wouldn't let her come this weekend.

Tim:
Honey...

Jill:
What? Is something wrong?

Tim:
It's about your dad.

Jill:
My dad what?

Tim:
He had a heart attack this morning.

[Jill inhales]

Tim:
He... he... he didn't make it.

Funeral director:
We feel we know all our guests, in spirit.

Jill:
Your guests? What is this, the Bates motel?

Tim:
Some people think that viewing the body gives them a chance to say goodbye to the deceased one last time.

Brad:
What if I don't wanna look?

Tim:
Nobody is gonna make you look. Nobody is gonna make ME look.

Tim:
Randy?

Randy:
Dad, I don't know why I'm making all these stupid jokes.

Tim:
It's okay, it's okay. Sometimes making jokes is a way to deal with the loss of somebody, that's how you grieve. I did the same thing at my dad's funeral.

Randy:
Oh yeah, now that you talk about it, I remember Aunt Rita's funeral, you had some jokes then. You killed.

Tim:
But the truth is, in situations like these, you gotta be careful who you make the jokes around.

Randy:
Dad, I know. I would never say these kinds of things around Grandma.

Tim:
And make no jokes around your mom or Mark or anybody sensitive. Just do them around me.

Bud Harper:
Tim, did I ever tell you about the executive who threw a game?

Tim:
Wearing a turban?

Bud Harper:
Fez.

The Colonel:
[greeting Tim] Do you still live here?

The Colonel:
'61 was a vintage year. You should have bought one of those Lincolns when they first came out.

Tim:
I would have, Sir, but I was 6.

The Colonel:
'61 was a vintage year. You should have bought one of those Lincolns when they first came out.

Tim:
I would've sir, but I was six.

The Colonel:
That's no excuse.

Tim:
Dinner is at 2300 hours.

The Colonel:
That's 11 PM.

Tim:
Um, we eat late.

Tim:
Let's see, he went to bed at 2300 hours. He wanted nine hours of sleep, that would be 3200. Minus twelve, you add that up, uh... 20 O'clock.

The Colonel:
So, did you read my book?

Tim:
Yes, we did.

The Colonel:
What did you think of it?

Tim:
There's a lot of good stuff in there. It's a tad bit wordy. But in a good way.

The Colonel:
A writer is supposed to use words. What did you want, pictures?

Tim:
Could've helped a little. You know what was so odd, you had a book and it didn't have any people in it.

The Colonel:
This is a book about policy and objectives and how to win a war. You don't want to clutter that up with a lot of people.

Tim:
Good point. Writing a book about war, you don't want to talk about people.

The Colonel:
[aggravated] All right, you didn't like the book. I'm gonna get the boys. We'll be back at 1300 hours.

Tim:
What time is that?

The Colonel:
It's 1:00. Why is that so difficult for you to understand? Every private in the army gets it by the end of the first day.

Jill:
Daddy, I'm sorry I upset you, but...

The Colonel:
I'm not upset. IF I WERE UPSET, I'D BE YELLING.

Jill:
When we were growing up, we weren't allowed to tell you anything that might upset you.

The Colonel:
Oh really? Then why the hell was I upset so much?

Jill:
We're not your soldiers, Dad.

The Colonel:
Damn right. My soldiers were under control. Then I'd come home to your mother and you five girls and I NEVER KNEW WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON.

[Tim's hockey puck machine misfires a puck onto The Colonel's car]

The Colonel:
My car.

Tim:
It was Jill.

Tim:
You gave them shrapnel? What did you give me?

The Colonel:
I gave you my daughter.

Tim:
Yeah you're right, Sir. But I'm kind of tired of playing with that gift.

The Colonel:
And then, who should grab my shoulder but General Douglas MacArthur.

Mark:
Who?

The Colonel:
Your father never told you about General MacArthur?

Mark:
No, but he told me about General Motors.

Tim:
Excuse me a sec, Al. I gotta go to the little mechanic's room.

Al:
What?

Tim:
I gotta change my oil!

Al:
What?

Tim:
Flush my coolant!

Al:
What?

Tim:
Pee!

Jimmy Carter:
[in a videotaped message] Al and Jill, the house you built is a perfect example of what can happen when good people band together for a common goal. And Tim... well, what can I say? Crews are working around the clock to repair the house you built... Oh, yeah - Rosie would like a picture of Al.

Tim Taylor:
[disgusted] Let's tape over this.

Tim:
Evander, give me the doughnut.

Evander Holyfield:
I don't think so, Tim.

[Tim and Jill are watching a video that Jimmy Carter sent them]

Jimmy Carter:
Hi Tim, Al, and Jill. I'd like to thank you for your participation in our Habitats for Humanity housing blitz.

Tim:
You're welcome.

Jimmy Carter:
Al and Jill, the house you built is a perfect example of what can happen when caring people band together for a common good. And Tim, well, what can I say? Crews are working round the clock to repair the house you've built. Oh yeah, Rosalynn would like a picture of Al.

Tim:
Let's tape over this.

Tim:
Kelvin, where you been?

Kelvin Pritchett:
Tim, you gave me wrong directions.

Tim:
You should have checked them twice. Right, Evander?

Evander Holyfield:
Hey, you gave me the wrong directions too.

Tim:
Did I? All right, wait a minute. Do I jump in the ring and tell you how to box?

[Evander towers over Tim]

Tim:
...it's not like I would.

Tim:
[on the phone with John Elway] Tomorrow I expect you lifting something heavier than a jelly doughnut! Yes, I would say this to your face. I may not be talking this loud. And you can tell that to your pal Holyfield too... Actually I'd prefer it if YOU told him.

Randy:
Sounds like Mom's kicking your butt.

Jill:
Yeah, with Al and a team of girls.

Mark:
You're losing to girls?

Tim:
I wouldn't consider Miss America a girl. She's almost professional. I heard in her talent competition she put up drywall.

Jill Taylor:
There's a special bond between mother's and son's it's called the umbilical cord.

Tim Taylor:
Hello. He's nine. He's cordless now.

Dolores:
[while Tim is having an important discussion with Bud] You have your choice of bacon or sausage.

Tim:
Sausage.

Dolores:
Links or patties?

Tim:
Links.

Dolores:
Mild or spicey?

Tim:
JUST SURPRISE ME!

[Jill is auctioning off the services of Tim and Bob Vila to raise money for the library. Vila went for $700]

Jill:
I bid $300 for the Tool Man.

Al:
You can't bid! You're the auctioneer!

Jill:
It's my auction and I'll bid if I want to.

Mothers:
[singing] The itsy bitsy spider crawled up the water spout. Down came the rain and washed the spider out. Out came the sun and dried up all the rain...

Tim:
[holding a baby] Whoa. Something's coming out, but it definitely isn't the sun.

Jill:
I'm sure Heidi appreciates you watching the baby.

Tim:
I hope she appreciates me cleaning up that kid's mud slide.

Jill:
You changed her diaper?

Tim:
Yeah, good think I had those welding gloves in the car.

Wilson:
Ah Randy, everyone does that.

Randy:
Really?

Wilson:
No, I'm just trying to make you feel better.

Tim Taylor:
Brad, don't forget my car's in the shop. So I'm gonna take your car and drop you guys off at school.

Bradley Michael Taylor:
Wait, what makes you think you can just take my car just like that?

Tim Taylor:
Because I paid for half of it "just like that."

Randy:
[upset at the thought of having cancer] Why does bad stuff always happen to me?

Tim:
Hey, don't worry. Bad stuff happens to me all the time.

Randy:
Yeah, but you cause it!

Tim:
[reading off the menu] Chile and onions, chile-cheese dog, three cheese chile omlets. Wheeew I think I've died and gone to heavan.

Al:
I know what killed you.

Al:
I hate the look.

Marty Taylor:
How would you know about the look? You're not even married.

Al:
I get the look when I am snippy to mother.

Harry:
Why can't you do it?

Dolores:
I'm in the middle of a shift.

Harry:
Well I'm working too.

Dolores:
[sarcastically] Yeah right, looks like you're killing yourself. Harry, I am telling you to go get her.

Harry:
I'm telling you no!

[Dolores stops and begins to turn around]

Tim:
Look out, guys, here it comes!

[Tim and Marty duck; Dolores flashes "the look". Al and Benny stare in horror]

Benny Baroni:
[after pause] Oh my God. I've never seen anything like it. Uh... Where's the podiatrist? I'll go get her myself.

[exits]

Al:
Listen, I'll-I'll drive you there.

[follows Benny]

Harry:
I'll show you the way!

[exits]

Marty Taylor:
I'm off to the job interview; wish me luck.

Tim Taylor:
You don't need luck; you're a Taylor.

Jill Taylor:
That's right; you need directions.

Wilson:
So you enjoyed seeing Nancy in her birthday suit.

Tim Taylor:
It was a very happy birthday.

Tim Taylor:
I don't even remember what she looked like.

Jill Taylor:
Yeah, right.

Tim Taylor:
Well, that's my story and I'm sticking with it!

Jill:
You're not going to push him onto a red anthill, are you?

Tim:
Honey, I think I've outgrown that.

Jill:
How about the atomic wedgies?

Tim:
Way too old for that.

Jill:
What about the fake vomit in the shoes?

Tim:
Never too old for that.

Tim Taylor:
Mike, what are the specials?

Mike:
All-beef wieners. Your choice of buns.

Tim Taylor:
Hello Jill.

Randy, Mark:
Goodbye Mom.

Tim:
For 60 minutes, they picked my brain clean.

Brad:
So what did you do for the other 59 minutes?

Tim:
Eight pieces of pizza and I'm still laughing. It wasn't very funny in the car with the windows rolled up, was it?

Felix Mymnan:
[Thanks to Tim, the water pipes are groaning loudly, fit to burst] I know that sound from when I worked on a sub in the navy.

Tim:
What happens now?

Felix Myman:
I'm going AWOL.

[Exits]

Al:
Me too.

[Exits]

Tim:
[to camera] I'm going down.

Tim:
Hello Jill.

Mark, Randy:
Goodbye Mom.

Tim:
Hey, Randy, want to have a taste of what we're having for dinner?

Randy:
I'm not really hungry.

Tim:
Marie made it.

Randy:
I'm starving.

[Tim has framed Brad's first paycheck]

Brad Taylor:
How am I supposed to cash it?

[with realization, Tim picks at a laminated corner]

Tim:
You make an interesting point.

Wilson:
Tim, it's not unusual for a father to want his sons to succeed. You know I'm reminded of what Wally Schirra, the astronaut, said, 'You don't raise heroes, you raise sons, but if you treat them as sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes'.

Tim:
[later] I'm reminded of what the great astronaut Wally Cleaver said. You can't expect your son to do his homework and eat a foot long hero without Prussian dressing.

Jill:
Hey, Tim, dinner's ready.

Tim:
I'm not really that hungry.

Jill:
I didn't cook it.

Tim:
I am famished.

Jill Taylor:
Honey, it is much safer for a man to get a vasectomy than it is for a woman to have a tubal ligation.

Tim Taylor:
Says who? The "Wives With Knives" club?

Tim Taylor:
A woman? You brought me here to see a woman?

Jill Taylor:
I didn't know she was a woman. My gynecologist just said Dr. Kaplan was the best urologist in town.

Tim Taylor:
How am I supposed to talk to a woman about what's going on in man land?

Jill Taylor:
"Man Land?" Now you've got a theme park between your legs?

Jill Taylor:
Why don't you tell us what's involved in the procedure.

Tim Taylor:
Yeah, I'm dying to hear this.

Dr. Kaplan:
Well, the morning of your appointment you'd have to shave in the area where I'll be making the incisions.

Tim Taylor:
[pointing at his crotch] Shave? Here?

Dr. Kaplan:
It's just a routine procedure.

Tim Taylor:
Not in my house it's not! What do you think, I wake up in the morning, brush my teeth, comb my hair, and shave Ping and Pong?

Jill Taylor:
Well, you could go to a barber but it might be a little awkward.

Dr. Kaplan:
The first thing I do is give you a shot that's a local.

Tim Taylor:
Local like here in Detroit?

Dr. Kaplan:
No local like here in your scrotum.

Tim Taylor:
Oh boy.

Dr. Kaplan:
That does sting for a few seconds.

Tim Taylor:
You think?

Dr. Kaplan:
Then I make two small cuts and simply divide and tie up the tubes. The discomfort is really very minimal.

Tim Taylor:
Yeah, why don't you tell that to the boys in the basement!

Dr. Kaplan:
You'll be back to normal in a few days. The only restriction at all is that you won't be able to drive home that day.

Tim Taylor:
What? I can't drive? Forget about it. [gets up]

Jill Taylor:
[gets up] Now, what do you mean "forget about it?"

Tim Taylor:
[gets his jacket] Honey, honestly I was really into it up till that point. The driving thing, that iced it. [opens the door]

Jill Taylor:
It's just one day!

Tim Taylor:
Look, it's bad enough to separate a man from his sperm, but to separate a man from his car - that's inhuman! [leaves]

Jill Taylor:
Tim, didn't you hear one word that doctor said?

Tim Taylor:
Yeah, yeah. She wants to take the Zippidy out of my Doo-Dah!

Jill Taylor:
Look, I know how hard it was for you to even talk to that doctor, but I'd hoped that once we got out of there we could have a rational, reasonable discussion about it.

Tim Taylor:
We did - in the car on the way home.

Jill Taylor:
All you did all the way home was come up with one ridiculous excuse after another.

Tim Taylor:
That's not true. I merely said that for this sort of thing, it might be better to wait for warmer weather.

Jill Taylor:
[sarcastic] I'll knit you a little sweater!

Tim Taylor:
You heard what she said: shots, shaving. You don't understand about the pain down there. [turns on the TV]

Jill Taylor:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute! [turns off the TV] I don't understand about the pain down there? I, who had three children *ripped* from my loins? In what is laughingly described as "natural" childbirth?

Tim Taylor:
Oh boy, here we go. The pain of childbirth. Isn't there a statute of limitations on this?

Jill Taylor:
Isn't there a statute of limitations on you being a complete bonehead?

Tim Taylor:
No. [gets up and walks around the room. Jill follows him]

Jill Taylor:
You are totally unwilling to accept responsibility for what I have accepted total responsibility for since we met!

Tim Taylor:
This is not about accepting responsibility. This is about me being neutered and chewing on my slippers! [gets his jacket]

Jill Taylor:
Who said anything about you being neutered?

Tim Taylor:
Certain experts I talked to.

Jill Taylor:
Oh, what experts? Harry and Benny? Where'd they get their degrees? University of I'm An Idiot?

Tim Taylor:
Well, they may be idiots but they think exactly like I do! [walks out]

Jill Taylor:
So what d'you think?

Tim Taylor:
I think I have more questions.

Jill Taylor:
Okay, such as what?

Tim Taylor:
Do they make a home kit so I can do it right here in the garage?

Jill Taylor:
I don't think so.

Tim Taylor:
Could this count as your birthday present?

Jill Taylor:
Absolutely, yeah. For once, I wouldn't have to stand in line and return it.

Tim Taylor:
And, um, while I'm preparing for this, will you go out a find me very, very mild aftershave?

Jill Taylor:
[laughs] Yeah, I'll work on that, yeah.

Tim Taylor:
Gotta be careful about slapping it on, too.

[Jill wants Tim to get a vasectomy]

Tim:
I thought you were talking about the tube-tying thing.

Jill:
Well, I am talking about the tube-tying thing, except it's your tubes.

Tim:
[watching "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town"] Sure it's easy to be happy when you're made out of wood.

Tim:
[Tim is fantasizing that he and his family are wooden dolls] Let's not get hung up on how we look. There are more important things to think about during the holidays.

Brad:
Like your lighting contest?

Tim:
Nope. Nope. Nope. I'm through putting Christmas lights on this house. I'm giving all the holiday lights to the homeless.

Jill:
And where exactly are the homeless going to hang them?

Tim:
Good point... We'll give them the house too!

[Tim is dreaming that he and his family are wooden dolls]

Tim:
Boys, go get your rooms and put them in the box.

Mark:
But where are we going to live?

Tim:
You, you, you. You people have got to stop thinking about yourselves.

Jill:
Tim, you've changed. You're caring. Giving. You're... loving. And you've got a termite coming out of your ear.

Tim:
Have a little compassion. Even the lowliest creature needs a friend.

Al:
[in Tim's dream, he is a wooden doll and Al is a snowman] We have something very special to show you today. Say hello to the new Binford 6100 Toolapalooza. It saws. It sands. It welds. It grinds. It does absolutely everything.

Tim:
Not everything, Al. Does it feed the hungry? Does it clothe the naked? Does it heal the sick?

Al:
I don't know. I haven't tried all the attachments.

Jill:
I'm so glad our family values are rubbing off on you.

Randy:
What do you mean?

Jill:
Well your father and I have always taught you that holidays are about sharing and putting other people first.

Tim:
[Enters] Honey, look what we got. The last turkey they had. The biggest one. It's all mine, mine, mine!

Tim:
Oh, hey, Benny. I didn't see you.

Benny Baroni:
You know, it just occurred to me: Thursday is Thanksgiving.

Tim:
Thanksgiving is falling on a Thursday this year?

Al:
I tell you, the holidays come quicker every year.

Harry:
Yeah, I know. I just got over July Fourth and now it's Thanksgiving. [Tim enters abruptly, carrying a giant cardboard reindeer head] Oh, that was fast, now it's Christmas.

Randy:
My dad's been in the hospital so much they gave him a preferred customer card.

Tim:
Yeah, one more head injury and we win a trip to Hawaii.

[Tim tries to conduct Tool Time without jokes, after Randy calls him a clown]

Al:
Oh, I see. That wasn't in the plans either. While this buzzer sends thousands of volts coursing through my body while he stands back and says, "Remember the AL-amo". Then comes the uncalled for slams against my mother. How she shops in the *husky* section. How she cleared out the all-you-can-eat buffet. Just go ahead say it...

[shouting]

Al:
...my mother is a big fat cow.

Tim:
[after pause] Goodness gracious, Al.

Tim:
Thank you, I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor and you all know my assistant, Al... Borland.

Al:
What's the matter, no stupid middle name? Is it my birthday?

Tim:
We don't always have to joke around, you know, this isn't Fool Time.

Tim:
I want to talk to you.

Randy:
Why didn't you just call me on the intercom? Or is it still picking up ambulance calls?

Tim:
You really bust my chops sometimes.

Randy:
Well you make it so easy, Dad.

Tim:
I can burp with the best of them. I can fling ear wax from thirty feet across the room.

Jill:
That's why I married you.

Randy:
Oh yeah, Dad, by the way I'm still getting the all-Spanish station through my intercom.

Tim:
Real funny. Don't quit your day job.

Jill:
That was real adult.

Tim:
Well he started it.

Jill:
Mom called me a nickname and she always called me this nickname. She said it when I was 14, we just moved to a new place and she said it right in front of all my new friends. I was so mad at her. The mean things I called her.

Tim:
Never mind what you called her, what did she call you?

Jill:
Oh right, like I'm really gonna tell you. You have to swear that you won't breathe a word of it to anyone.

Tim:
Cross my heart and hope to die. Hope a wrench hits me right in the eye.

Jill:
Jilly Dilly.

[Tim laughs]

Jill:
I don't want to hear that name in this house ever again.

Tim:
I may have to say it on Tool Time.

Wilson:
Parents are the bone on which children sharpen their teeth. What I'm saying is that when a boy is young, he worships his father and in order for the boy to become a man, he's got to see his father as a fallible human being and stop seeing him as a god.

[Later]

Tim:
Where's Randy? I got to talk to him. I just found out I'm not God.

Jill:
Oh Tim, I'm so sorry.

Tim:
[to Randy] I know what's going on here. You're at the point in your life where you have to clean your teeth on my bones.

Tim:
For the next couple years you're not going to be yourself.

Randy:
Who am I going to be?

Tim:
A little wise guy that smarts off to people that a lot of people think is a real jerk.

Randy:
Chip off the old block, eh?

Randy:
Did you rebel against your father?

Tim:
He died before I could be a real jerk.

Randy:
He'd be proud if he could see you now.

Tim:
I don't want you making jokes about my job, or about me getting hurt and screwing things up. Anything that makes me look bad.

Randy:
What is left to joke about?

Tim:
Mom.

Tim:
Guys, wanna hear something real funny about your mother?

Randy:
She's not really married to you?

Tim:
How long do you want to stay up in your room?

Randy:
Don't blame me. It was adolescence.

Tim:
Listen, what do you think Nana called Mom when she was little?

Mark:
Jill?

Tim:
No, a name that might annoy her.

Brad:
Tim.

Tim:
Back off. Okay, when she was real little, Nana used to call her...

Jill:
[Over intercom] Don't even think about it, Tim.

Tim:
Today is the day.

Jill:
That you come to your senses and realize we don't need an intercom?

Tim:
The day I come to my senses is a long way off.

Brad:
I decided that if a girl is going to like me, she's going to like me for who I am.

Jill:
She dumped you, huh?

Brad:
Yep.

Tim:
Ladies and gentlemen, presenting the Great Randini!

Tim:
[Jill knocks on the garage door] What's the secret grunt?

Jill Taylor:
Ugh. Ugh... Ugh.

Tim:
Access denied. Too much estrogen content.

Al:
This is my assistant, Tim "Doesn't know Gumbo from Dumbo" Taylor.

Tim:
Sure I do. Dumbo is a pachyderm and Gumbo is a little green guy who rides Pokey.

Al:
Today on "Tool Time", we're going to show you how to make my famous Gumbo.

Tim:
Some of you thought he said, "Dumbo". No, Dumbo is a pachyderm. Gumbo is a green guy who rides Pokey.

Al:
You can put just about anything into Gumbo.

Tim:
If we put Al's mom in here, we'd have "Jumbo Gumbo"!

Al:
Do you think they call it Cajun cooking because you cook it in a cage?

Tim:
I don't think so, Al.

Randy:
Hey Beth, what do you call bad lemonade?

Beth:
What?

Randy:
Lemon lemonade.

[Beth, Brad and Jennifer force laughter]

Randy:
Man, that's the last time I use one of Dad's jokes.

Randy:
Um, Beth, another cooger snookie? Er, booger cookie?

Tim:
[Al accidentally throws a duck through a window] You've heard of pheasant under glass? This would be quacker through the glass.

[Tim and Al are substituting on a cooking show, and Al is showing how to prepare Gumbo]

Tim:
If you threw Al's mom in there, you'd have Jumbo Gumbo.

[pause; no one laughs]

Tim:
Of course you'd have to know Al's mom to get that joke. She's a very large, angry woman.

Al:
Now, if you want to go the sophisticated route...

Tim:
You might wanna watch [in sophisticated voice] Masterpiece Tool Time, with your host, Alastaire Borland.

Al:
Would that be an English accent?

Tim:
Automatic door locks, ignition cut off, gas cut off [points it at Al] And not a moment too soon.

Al:
Very funny, Tim. I'm sure our nursery school viewers are rolling in their sandboxes.

[repeated line]

Tim:
[as car alarm] Back away, flannel man. Back away, flannel man.

Tim Taylor:
This is not a good time for me to leave the planet.

[about the show's prospects in Europe]

Tim:
My show will succeed because of two words: Jerry Lewis.

Tim:
[on Tool Time being broadcast in Sweden] We got our first check. It's for 1,500 Kroners.

Brad:
Wow. How much is that in American money?

Jill:
$22.83.

Bj?rn:
Well after much thought and many changes of clothes, we have decided to buy Tool Time.

Al:
Yes! Alright! Was it the man's gym that put you over the top?

Bj?rn:
Oh no, we liked the whole show. In Sweden we love slapstick comedy. You are the next Jerry Lewis.

Tim:
Thank you.

Tim:
Two pretzels are walking down the street. One is assaulted.

Tim:
Okay, Mark, you're going to be seeing raw power in motion. Arr arr arr. Raw power in the form of precision fluid movements with a bowling pin-type radar able to destroy every thing in its path. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Jill:
Gutter ball.

Tim:
[Bowling] You're dead, pin. You're dead. You and your nine scrawny friends too.

[Throws the ball]

Mark:
Yay, Daddy, you did it. You knocked down that one pin.

Jill:
And you left his nine scrawny friends.

Jill:
We're keeping score.

Tim:
I thought you didn't want to keep score.

Jill:
Oh, is the great big, bad bowling man afraid his itty-bitty wife is going to beat him?

Tim:
Is the itty-bitty wife afraid the big, bad bowling man is going to leave her in the PARKING LOT?

Randy:
What did the moron have for breakfast?

Tim:
I don't know.

Randy:
This morning you had scrambled eggs and toast.

Tim:
I got a great joke for you. What did the moron have for breakfast?

Jill:
Today you had cereal and an English muffin.

Jill Taylor:
[on the phone] Hi Mrs. Wullitt. He did what? Oh I am so sorry! Yeah, send him over to apologize, it will not happen again. Thanks [Jill hangs up while Randy has crept out of the room, Jill opens the door in fury] RANDALL WILLIAM TAYLOR! Get in here right now I need to talk to you!

Tim Taylor:
Ooh, middle name. He's in trouble!

Jill:
Randy yanked the shoes off of a kid at school, and filled them with Cheez Whiz.

Randy:
But mom, you don't understand. He's a total geek.

Jill:
Don't call him that.

Randy:
What am I supposed to call him then?

Tim:
How about the Whiz Kid?

Jill Taylor:
I just interviewed this woman who bought herself a whole new body because her husband left her for a younger woman. They were married 12 years, had four kids.

[shows Tim before-and-after photos]

Tim Taylor:
Well, she made a big mistake.

Jill Taylor:
I'm glad you feel that way.

Tim Taylor:
Had she had this surgery some time ago, she could've saved the marriage.

[Tim just had yet another technical difficulty]

Tim Taylor:
Just a crossed wire.

Jill Taylor:
That's what it's gonna say on your tombstone.

Tim:
Hey, Wilson, is something buring out here?

Wilson:
[places a large salmon on his grill] No need to be alarmed, Tim. I'm just smoking a fish.

Tim:
Regular or menthol?

Tim Taylor:
You've got so much to lose. What about your soccer scholarship?

Jill Taylor:
And the trust of a family who loves you.

Brad Taylor:
Yeah, I don't want to lose my soccer scholarship...Or the other thing.

Brad:
[on the phone] Hey, it's Brad. Listen, I can't take you to that party. Yeah, I kinda got busted by my parents. Yeah, won't be smoking pot for a while.

Tim:
[Standing behind him] For a while?

Brad:
Uh... Gotta go.

Tim Taylor:
Don't say 'downer'.

Jill Taylor:
You remember when the worst problem we had with Brad was toilet training?

Tim Taylor:
Hmm, makes sense. Couldn't get him on the pot and now we're trying to get him off the pot.

Tim:
Harry is acting like this is the greatest thing that ever happened to him, but you know what? I'm not buying it. They argue a lot, yes, he loves her and deep down somewhere this guy is hurting.

Jill:
Oh my God.

Tim:
What happened?

Jill:
Did you just hear yourself? You've had an insight. And it was incredibly sensitive. Instead of taking Harry's behavior at face value, you looked deeper and saw his inner pain.

Tim:
I didn't mean to. I swear to God I didn't mean to.

Tim:
Harry, you've been married 25 years, Man, you gotta feel a little bad about this break up.

Harry:
You're right, Tim, I do feel bad - that it didn't happen 24 years ago.

Benny:
I got half a mind to go out and look for a job.

Al:
I'm part owner and she makes me feel like a stock boy.

Dolores:
Hey stocky boy, run across the street and get me some hot tea.

Tim:
Yeah, stocky boy. Remember how she likes it: two sugars and a big lump of arsenic.

Tim:
The Mustang is in the shop and I'm driving Jill's Nomad. I hate driving her car. I get in there, of course, no gas, hasn't been washed in three months, cookie crumbs on the front seat. Why can't she take care of her car? How simple would it be...

Dolores:
Could it be she's a tad busy going to school, raising three kids, and making sure you have a nice house to come home to?

Tim:
Could be.

Dolores:
You've gotta decide who comes first: your stupid friends or me.

Harry:
Well, when you put it that way... my stupid friends.

Harry:
It will be a cold day in July before I let you anywhere near my hardware store.

Dolores:
Well guess what? Summer is coming early this year.

Jill:
You know what this means, don't you? You're evolving.

Tim:
I am not and you take that back.

Tim:
I didn't bug you during childbirth.

Jill:
No, but you bugged me during conception.

Mark:
But Mom, they were gonna play with me.

Jill:
Mark, when Brad and Randy say they want to play with you, always ask yourself, "What do they want to DO to me?"

Heidi:
[half asleep] Does anybody know what time it is?

Jill:
5:00. Oh, my back.

Wilson:
[about Al's snoring] I haven't heard sounds like that since I was in Nairobi, studying the breeding patterns of wart hogs.

Tim:
Hoooh! Woo-ee! Did I sleep well or what? I got some hot, cheese blintzes in the oven, guys!

Heidi, Jill, Wilson, Kyle, Al:
SHUT UP!

[they toss pillows at him]

Kyle:
You know, Taylor, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. Your wife takes the time to plan this great trip for you, and what do you do? You piddle all over it.

Tim:
Look, it's my party. I'll piddle if I want to.

Heidi:
If everyone were a tube lizard like you, we'd all be maytagging by now.

Tim:
Maytagging? Tube lizard? A couple of brochures and you're Popeye all of a sudden?

Al:
Oh, you'll have to forgive Tim. He can't help being an insensitive LOUT!

Kyle:
I can't take it anymore! So much noise I can't hear the voices in my head.

Wilson:
[singing] Michael row the boat ashore / Hallelujah...

Kyle:
[singing to the tune of 'Michael Row the Boat Ashore'] Then the feds / They taxed him more / They always SCREWWWWW-ya.

Wilson:
I suggest you apologize to everyone you've wronged automotively.

Tim:
That could take years.

Wilson:
Then start with Jill.

Tim:
That could take years.

Tim:
I'm addicted to cars.

Jill:
Well, *duh*.

Tim:
I'm thinking of checking into the Henry Ford Clinic.

Tim:
[Upon seeing Jill's new car] It's British.

Jill:
It's a 1967 Austin Healy.

Tim:
I know what the heck it is. I don't know anything about British cars.

Jill:
That was a big selling point.

Tim:
These things require constant attention, honey.

Jill:
I know. I was thinking I could learn about the car and maybe do some of the work myself.

[Tim bursts out laughing]

Tim:
[Upset over Jill's new car] It's a shocker. I don't know what to say.

Jill:
How about saying that you're really happy that I got the car I wanted?

Tim:
Alright, I... I'm... IT'S BRITISH. These people made a fighter plane out of wood. They put kidneys in pies for God's sakes.

Tim:
Can I have the keys, please?

Jill:
What for?

Tim:
I want to take it for a little drive and see what kind of trouble you got yourself in.

Jill:
You put down my car, you put me down for buying my car, and you expect me to hand over the keys so you can take it for a drive and tell me what else is wrong with it?

Tim:
It's a thought.

Randy:
What kind of sick person hot wires his wife's car?

Tim:
I think you boys are old enough to know the truth: your father is a sick, sick man.

Tim:
[preparing to hotwire the Healey] Wait a minute - - what am I DOING? What kind of selfish pathetic guy would violate his wife's trust merely for his own pleasure? What kind of despicable guy would hotwire his own wife's car?

Tim:
[gets a crafty "I'm being really BAD and I'm PROUD OF IT!" grin on his face] A guy like ME...!

Tim:
[about a mouse] Jill, it's just an innocent thing.

Jill:
Tim, they are dirty, they carry disease, they eat garbage.

Tim:
So do the boys, and you're not afraid of *them*.

Randy:
[there is a snake in the light fixture] Come on, Dad, just stick your finger in the light. When the snake bites it, pull him out.

Tim:
Ha ha ha. Can I talk to you a minute? Maybe you didn't hear ol' Dad the first time: Shut up.

Tim:
What about you, Wilson? What are you afraid of?

Wilson:
I do have one underlying fear, Tim - I'm afraid that reality, as we know it, is someone else's dream. When the dreamer wakes, I'll no longer exist.

Tim:
...Wilson, I wouldn't share that with too many people.

[Tim's reading the instructions to the pilot light]

Tim:
"Hold 15 seconds, and..."

Randy:
Open your mouth, or the shock-waves from the blast will make your head explode.

[holds mouth wide open]

Al Borland:
Too much starch can irritate the skin.

Tim Taylor:
Too much Al can irritate Tim.

Tim Taylor:
[talking about irons] Then came your nine irons, your tire irons, and my personal favorite, Jeremy Irons.

Tim:
[Wilson crushes a beer can on his head] How do you feel now?

Wilson:
I hurt.

Jill:
The pizza is round, the garbage can is round, why can't the box be round?

Tim:
[They're in the car, driving to a wedding] I know where we're going. I know where we are.

Jill:
There's a sign. "Adrian, Six Miles". Adrian. Adrian is on 223, we are down and right. We should be up and left. We have gone way out of the way.

Tim:
Thank you, Rand McNally. And we're only an inch or so off.

Jill:
I see, so when we hit Ecuador, you'll say we're off by about a foot and a half?

Tim:
By the time I stop and ask for directions, we're going to be there. Watch the map; you're folding it wrong.

Jill:
Who died and made you the map police?

Tim:
The next sign we see will be North Adams. Right there, what does that sign say?

Jill:
"Welcome to Ohio".

Tim:
Um... We won't be needing that Michigan map, will we?

Jill:
[They've accidentally driven to Ohio] If we hit Kentucky, I am filing for a divorce.

Tim:
Alright, I'll pull it over.

Tim:
I really was sure that I knew where I was going. I sensed it, you know.

Wilson:
Men navigate by instincts and women navigate by landmarks.

Tim:
Yeah, she kept talking about some huge man with a donut.

Wilson:
That's the sign for Bill's Big Bun Bonanza.

Wilson:
Tim, don't sell your stupid instincts short. Do you realize that people have a tiny compass in their nose?

Tim:
I was never aware of that. No.

Wilson:
Yes, people have a tiny iron deposit in their nose. And that gives them directions to magnetic north and since men have more iron in their bodies than women, it only follows that they would make a better compass.

Tim:
Then how come I couldn't find the wedding?

Wilson:
Well, Tim, a map is a little more acurate than your nose. It's also a heck of a lot easier to fold.

Tim:
[Later; to Jill] I just got all disoriented, even though my nose is filled with iron boogers.

Tim:
I know the church. She's almost been married there three times. Just follow the tear drops right up to the door. Besides, I think you're forgetting who has the radar-like sense of direction around here.

[Heads to the garage]

Jill:
Tim, car's out front.

Tim:
Um... Well the radar doesn't really kick in until you get in the car.

Tim:
She loved it. Best night of her life.

Randy:
Yeah right. I guess that's why you didn't come home with your wife.

[Tim grabs Randy's head]

Randy:
Over the edge?

Tim:
Way over the edge.

Jill:
I am so glad that I didn't let anybody talk me out of marrying you.

Tim:
Who tried to talk you out of marrying me?

Jill:
Oh no one, you know, my mom, my dad, my sisters, my cousins, the minister, the post man, some guy down at the mail box, you know, oh and Sheila, who said to me, "Don't marry him, I know a loser when I see one".

Tim:
Good thing she was wrong.

Jill:
Who said she was wrong?

Tim Taylor:
[advising Randy on his role in the Christmas pageant] Got an idea - right after you say your line "There's no room at the inn", add this: "You shoulda called our 1-800 reservation hotline."

Jill Taylor:
This family has the Christmas spirit, and when I'm finished sewing your costumes, you're gonna be the best-dressed Hebrews in Bethlehem.

Randy Taylor:
Mark, you're too old to believe in Santa Claus; kids are gonna start to make fun of you.

Mark Taylor:
What are you talking about?

Randy Taylor:
I hate to break it to you, but there is no Santa Claus.

Mark Taylor:
You guys are poop-heads!

Randy Taylor:
OK, fine; here's the truth: There used to be a Santa Claus, but he died six years ago.

Brad Taylor:
Yep... you just missed out.

Mark Taylor:
Santa Claus isn't dead.

Randy Taylor:
Yes, he is. He had a terrible accident with one of his reindeer - Blitzen fell on him.

Tim Taylor:
I notice you don't decorate *your* house at Christmas, though.

Wilson:
Well, actually, Tim, I decorate within - I have a tree in my heart, a wreath in my mind, and a star in my soul.

Tim Taylor:
And you plug it in your belly-button.

Mark Taylor:
So Santa's alive?

Jill Taylor:
...Yeah; you sat on his lap at the mall.

Mark Taylor:
But there are a lot of malls; how can he be at every one?

Tim Taylor:
He's real fast for a fat guy.

Jill Taylor:
Actually, honey, I think that those guys at the mall are Santa's helpers - you know, the way that Al is Daddy's helper.

Tim Taylor:
Right.

Mark Taylor:
[suddenly understanding] So *they* do all the work.

Tim Taylor:
[irritated] They *assist* Santa, like Al *assists* me.

Tim Taylor:
Mark is startin' to ask us questions about Santa Claus.

Wilson:
Mmm-hm, mmm-hm.

Tim Taylor:
Well, should we tell him he doesn't exist?

Wilson:
Well, who says he doesn't exist, Tim? I believe it was Hamlet who put it best when he said, "There are more things in heaven and earth, good neighbor, than are dreamt of in your philosophy."

Tim Taylor:
But Brad and Randy already said he was dead.

Wilson:
Technically, that's true; he died in the year 342.

Tim Taylor:
Well, then, who's at the mall?

Wilson:
No, Tim; I'm talking about the original Santa Claus - Saint Nicholas, the bishop of Myra in Asia Minor. He used to go around to the houses of the poor people on his donkey with bags of gold, and drop them down the chimney.

Tim Taylor:
Why would he drop donkeys down the chimney?

Wilson:
I'm talking about the bags of gold, Tim.

Tim Taylor:
Well, hopefully, he can put a remote-controlled dinosaur down my chimney for Mark, because the stores are sold out of them.

Wilson:
Well, maybe Santa Claus might bring it to him.

Tim Taylor:
I thought you said Santa was dead.

Wilson:
Ah, but Tim, the spirit of Santa lives on... he lives in all of us.

Brad Taylor:
Anything for us, Santa?

Santa Claus:
Well, even though you boys no longer believe in me, Santa brought you a gift anyway. Brad, I got you a rubber band. And Randy - here's a button.

[Brad and Randy are in the school's Christmas play]

Brad Taylor:
I don't have any lines.

Randy Taylor:
That's because you blew it, you stooge. He was trying out for one of the wise men, and he said they were carrying gold and Frankenstein.