Modern Family

Claire Dunphy:
The way he looked at me, it was like I wore a tube top in church.

Phil Dunphy:
Gotta fix that step.

Cameron Tucker:
That was the worse call since Russell Crowe was cast on Le Miz!

Mitchell Pritchett:
You know what you need?

Cameron Tucker:
To gather my team and put the fear of God in them.

Mitchell Pritchett:
I was going to say get a churro.

Cameron Tucker:
I can do both!

Manny Delgado:
Bakers get all the girls.

Jay Pritchett:
Cooks get all the girls. Bakers are girls. Betty Crocker, Mrs. Fields, Little Debbie...

Manny Delgado:
What about the Pillsbury Doughboy?

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Good one, Manny. [Tickles Manny's belly, he giggles]

Andy:
I hate to get all ballistic, but it has not been a pleasure meeting you.

Haley Dunphy:
You kiss your imaginary girlfriend with that mouth?

Andy:
Yes, I do. And she's not imaginary, she's real. She's a real girl.

Haley Dunphy:
Haley [playing Scrabble] "How am I supposed to play with all these I's on my rack?"

Manny Delgado:
Manny [apologetic] "Sorry!"

Phil Dunphy:
Honey, I apologize from dozens of things I do every day. If I start apologizing for the things I didn't do, I wouldn't be very productive.

Mitchell Pritchett:
I was not the best athlete growing up, and Dad never missed an opportunity to point it out. "Nice throw, Nancy!" Nancy was our neighbor growing up. I could never throw as good as her.

Manny Delgado:
I don't know how Marcus got the lead, but I do know how he got sick: from chewing all that scenery.

Cameron Tucker:
[about Luke] He knows all the songs, he has a voice like a nightingale, and he has that theatrical madness in his eyes you just can't teach.

Manny Delgado:
That's from the paint.

Pepper Saltzman:
Did you hear that? He's not just talking to him, he's talking to seven-year-old you, eight-year-old you...

Mitchell Pritchett:
[Swinging angrily] Suck it, Nancy!

Pepper Saltzman:
I was just trying to help!

Alex Dunphy:
Maybe you should carry this for a while.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
I wish I could, but I just had a baby.

Alex Dunphy:
I've seen you carry Manny to bed.

Pepper Saltzman:
Now I can afford the shirt that goes with these pants.

Manny Delgado:
[about Luke's performance] He was glorious. Every note, every nuance, I was transported. But my quarrel wasn't with Luke. It was with God.

Jay Pritchett:
[after throwing his back out] The pain must have been pretty bad if I was asking Phil for help.

Mitchell Pritchett:
We would have been here sooner, but this one had a wardrobe crisis.

Cameron Tucker:
You know, it's a somber occasion, and all my tops are too joyful.

Mitchell Pritchett:
You do not want our problems.

Phil Dunphy:
You know, the Native Americans believed that burning sage kept away the negative energy.

Jay Pritchett:
How'd that work our for 'em?

Phil Dunphy:
I don't make the best decisions under pressure. [cut to flashback]

Claire Dunphy:
Oh, my God! What the hell is that?

Phil Dunphy:
An alpaca. I bought the last one.

[after Alex gets some nerds to give back a toy helicopter]

Haley Dunphy:
What just happened?

Alex Dunphy:
You have your fans, I have mine. One day, your fans will be working for my fans.

[while getting a massage, Jay accidentally said "I love you" to Phil]

Phil Dunphy:
I really need to talk to you.

Jay Pritchett:
You really don't.

Phil Dunphy:
Jay, please. It's about work. I got a text during your massage. I've been offered a partnership in a new agency.

Jay Pritchett:
[relieved] Oh. Good for you!

Phil Dunphy:
Well, I'm not so sure. I mean, there's... there's a big upside, but I have a stable job right now. I have three kids, and at least one of 'em's going to college. Worse case scenario, they all go.

Haley Dunphy:
Hey, check out that cute guy.

Alex Dunphy:
He's out of your league. He's reading a book.

Haley Dunphy:
Yeah, I know.

Phil Dunphy:
If you show enough houses, you learn all the tricks. Every realtor is just a ninja with a blazer. The average burglar breaks in and leaves clues everywhere, but not me. I'm completely clueless.

Cameron Tucker:
Nobody likes a crying baby on a flight. It's very stressful.

Phil Dunphy:
Last year I was in a plane from New York. There was a baby next to me that wouldn't stop crying the whole flight.

Cameron Tucker:
Hey, I was on that flight, and there was no... Oh, I see. You were making fun of me. Very funny.

Phil Dunphy:
We didn't get tickets to Billy Elliot.

Cameron Tucker:
He just wanted to dance. It's my life story.

Phil Dunphy:
Five hours of this.

Cameron Tucker:
[Irish accent] Ah jes' wanna dance at th' ballet!

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Why are you wasting time on my little boy? See that old lady with the cane? She could be hiding a ceramic knife in there that could pass through the metal detector, and here you are harrasing a little kid!

TSA-Airport Security:
You seem to know a lot about smuggling contraband onto a plane.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Yeah, I'm Columbian.

Jay Pritchett:
Don't get me wrong, I love my family. I love them in birthdays, I love them in barbecues, but do I have to love them in Hawaii?

Manny Delgado:
Guess where the world's biggest wind generator is?

Jay Pritchett:
Is it right behind me?

Mitchell Pritchett:
[sitting on Phil's shoulders] Are you sure I'm not too heavy?

Phil Dunphy:
Please. You weigh less than my paintball gear.

Manny Delgado:
I'm just a kid trying to bring class back to travel.

Cameron Tucker:
Believe it or not, this is my first time. I know, people say I look like a Hawaii person.

Mitchell Pritchett:
Who says that?

Cameron Tucker:
People.

Mitchell Pritchett:
What people?

Cameron Tucker:
You don't know them.

Phil Dunphy:
If you show enough houses, you learn all the tricks. Every realtor is just a ninja in a blazer. The average burglar breaks in and leaves clues everywhere, but not me. I'm completely clueless.

Phil Dunphy:
The average burglar breaks in and leaves clues everywhere. But not me. I'm completely clueless.

Phil Dunphy:
Dancers get all the girls, just like Kevin Bacon in Footloose.

Luke Dunphy:
More like Footloser.

Phil Dunphy:
Careful!

Luke Dunphy:
This is the last time I believe any of your lies.

Phil Dunphy:
What choice do I have? You used to be up for anything. What happened?

Luke Dunphy:
It's called growing up and having my own interests, just like the preacher's daughter in your precious Footloose.

Phil Dunphy:
Wow, using my movie against me. [Slow clap] Let's hear it for the boy.

Phil Dunphy:
Oh, God, I don't want to go in there!

Desk Sergeant:
You're going in here.

Phil Dunphy:
I don't want to go in here!

Haley Dunphy:
In Legally Blonde, Elle won her case because she was true to herself and dressed cute.

Phil Dunphy:
Haley, this is real life, not an excellent movie.

Phil Dunphy:
We have a name at the office for when a deal goes south. Commission: Impossible. Maybe for some people.

Claire Dunphy:
Oh, thank God, no one's dead.

Luke Dunphy:
Or, we're all dead.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
You have a problem with the way Manny is being raised, you talk to me!

Jay Pritchett:
I am.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
[storming out] I don't want to hear it!

Cameron Tucker:
I'm playing a new drinking game. It's called "Every time I'm depressed, I take a drink."

Mitchell Pritchett:
That game exists. It's called alcoholism.

Phil Dunphy:
Sweet potato fries!

Jay Pritchett:
Gloria, you and Manny do enough together. Let's let him decide. Where's he walking?

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
I don't know, but according to the song he was singing, he was going to the sunny side of the street.

Jay Pritchett:
I cannot express to you enough how bad this kid needs football.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
You can't go around telling people what they can and can't do.

Jay Pritchett:
So you're in favor of this?

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
No, it's a freakshow! But it's their freakshow.

Phil Dunphy:
I have to go show a house. But first, what was Elton John's sexual orientation in the '70s?

Haley Dunphy, Alex Dunphy:
Bi.

Haley Dunphy:
You've done that one before.

Phil Dunphy:
And it never gets old. Like the good Captain Fantastic himself.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Now look at me. I have a beautiful house, a great husband, I feel like I already won the lottery.

Manny Delgado:
So I can keep whatever we win?

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
I think no! I found most of them.

Haley Dunphy:
Who fills a vase with marbles?

Claire Dunphy:
Who doesn't see a vase filled with marbles?

Alex Dunphy:
Who wants to hear a bunch of plates crashing?

Claire Dunphy:
What was I thinking? I just get drunk and I bring a baby into the world?

Phil Dunphy:
That would be four-for-four.

Claire Dunphy:
Phil!

Phil Dunphy:
Don't panic. You haven't donated anything yet. What are the chances your eggs even work? What are the chances I never said that?

Jay Pritchett:
It's unnatural, and I'm against it.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Surprise, surprise! Jay is against something.

Jay Pritchett:
These two are having a baby together.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Ugh!

Claire Dunphy:
When was the last time we talked under a table.

Mitchell Pritchett:
Dad and Gloria's wedding reception.

Phil Dunphy:
[seeing Haley and Alex scrubbing the kitchen] Whoa. What's all this?

Haley Dunphy:
Mom heard us say we were bored.

Phil Dunphy:
Suckers.

Alex Dunphy:
She heard us from outside!

Haley Dunphy:
She has super-good hearing, like a seeing eye dog. They have overdeveloped hearing to make up for the fact... wait, the dogs aren't blind. Wait, are they? No, that wouldn't make sense.

Alex Dunphy:
[to Phil] You're right. If I wait long enough, she can get there by herself.

Phil Dunphy:
[his cell phone rings] Quick, girls. Famous Danny from "Moonstruck". Aiello?

Mitchell Pritchett:
Hey, Phil, I'm glad I caught ya.

Phil Dunphy:
What's up?

Mitchell Pritchett:
Uh, it's about Steven and Stefan. They want to see that house on Briar again.

Phil Dunphy:
Really? I showed it to them five times. Last time we were there, I think they got mail.

Mitchell Pritchett:
Yeah, well, that's why I'm calling. They hate upsetting people. Unless, of course, it's me. Then they don't mind waking me up at seven a.m., asking me to call you.

Phil Dunphy:
It's no problem. I'm just hanging around. Kind of bored, really.

[Haley and Alex gasp]

Phil Dunphy:
What?

[Phil gasps as he realizes what he just said]

Phil Dunphy:
Hey Claire, guess what?

Claire Dunphy:
I'm sorry, honey, I can't talk right now. I told Bethenny I would take her to the airport. I'm late, and she's gonna miss her flight. Where are my keys? Why is that chair still here? I thought you and Luke were gonna put it out on the sidewalk.

Phil Dunphy:
So you can't talk, unless it's about my chores.

Claire Dunphy:
Why don't you just do it now and you won't be so bored.

Phil Dunphy:
You heard that?

Claire Dunphy:
I hear everything.

Claire Dunphy:
[to Mitchell on the phone] My brother is going to some border town to get a baby and I have to hear it from Gloria?

Mitchell Pritchett:
[to Cameron] I was out for only two minutes.

Cameron Tucker:
Sorry, I held it in as long as I could. We're having a baby!

Phil Dunphy:
[Teaching Alex how to dance] No, no, arms up here. Arms down here say "I'm white and I'm sorry." Arms up here say "I don't know what I'm doing!"

Alex Dunphy:
I'm not.

Dylan:
I know you're worried, but I'm designing T-shirts now, and they're going to be huge... and medium and small.

Alex Dunphy:
Yes, my cool bad boy prom date is gay. He just doesn't know it yet. So I'm basically his beard. His pre-beard. His stubble.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
There's certain moments in life that you never forget. Like when I held Manny in my arm for the very first time. I was nervous. I didn't know what I was doing. It was so exciting to see him grow up, and the more he becomes the little man I know today, the more I know I'd do it all over again. And that's great, because I'm about to do it all over again. It turns out I wasn't carsick. I'm pregnant.

Claire Dunphy:
To be honest, it would be more fun if Phil wasn't going to my college reunion. I mean, I'd have to explain who's who and all the inside jokes... And with all that information coming out, not enough alcohol is coming in.

Jay Pritchett:
Frazier had Ali, we have Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets. It's a stupid name, but they're great bowlers.

Cameron Tucker:
I don't get it. We've been shooting for six hours, and all of a sudden she doesn't want to do it anymore.

Mitchell Pritchett:
I have a theory.

Tater:
I was wondering who was the lucky man who married the beautiful Claire Pritchett.

Claire Dunphy:
Luck had nothing to do with it. She saw, she liked, I got her pregnant, had to marry her.

Manny Delgado:
[Lying on the floor] My life is a musicless grayscape.

Jay Pritchett:
I guess this is more than shopping can fix.

Manny Delgado:
[Gets up] Worth a shot.

Mitchell Pritchett:
I am loosing my mind. As much as I love Lily, which is you know, more than life itself, I am, whoooh, not cut out to be a stay-at-home dad. But it's Cameron's turn. It's Cameron's turn to be out in the world, interacting with other grownups, while I get to stay at home and plot the death of Dora the Explorer... Fill her backpack with bricks and throw her into Candy Cane River.

Sal:
Sorry you couldn't come to the wedding, it was no kids.

Lily Tucker-Pritchett:
It's okay, I'll go to your next one.

Sal:
Wow.

Cameron Tucker:
She just means when she's not a kid anymore.

Lily Tucker-Pritchett:
She knows what I mean.

Sal:
I don't like you.

Lily Tucker-Pritchett:
[whispering] I'll get over it.

Claire Dunphy:
Raising a kid is like sending a rocket ship to the moon. You spend the early years in constant contact, and then one day. around the teenage years, they go around the dark side and they're gone. And all you can do is wait for that faint signal that says they're coming back.

Phil Dunphy:
Please, you're in the hands of a master. I think I know how to pick up a fourteen-year old girl... for you!

Haley Dunphy:
I have better things to do than listen to Electric Light Dorkestra.

Claire Dunphy:
Hayley, she's your sister!

Alex Dunphy:
Actually, that's the name of our band.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Oh, my God! It looks like a Madonna video in here!

Jay Pritchett:
Uh-oh. We have to go back.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
What is it?

Jay Pritchett:
There's more pictures of nudes in here, and they're of Daliya.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
You mean those aren't my b*obs?

Jay Pritchett:
This isn't Nude Descending a Staircase, this is a nude vacuuming a staircase!

Haley Dunphy:
I can't get any lower.

Manny Delgado:
You can talk to me.

Haley Dunphy:
And I just got lower.

Manny Delgado:
She's had the intellectual, she's had the romantic, why not both in one little brown package?

Jay Pritchett:
Honey, I love all this stuff, but you can't win Valentine's Day. It defeats the whole purpose if you make it into some silly competition.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Shut up, I win.

Luke Dunphy:
Boys rule and girls drool, right dad?

Alex Dunphy:
You drool all the time. Mom wanted to see a specialist.

Luke Dunphy:
I'm still growing into my tongue.

Claire Dunphy:
If Hannibal Lecter and Freddy Kruger had a lovechild, he would be afraid of our next door neighbor.

Phil Dunphy:
I don't say bad things about people, but Mr. Kleezak is... not a nice person.

Claire Dunphy:
Easy, honey.

Jay Pritchett:
[Sitting with Mitchell's gay friends] So what does a guy have to do to get a drink around here?

Mitchell Pritchett:
Nobody answer that.

Mitchell Pritchett:
When I was twelve my father walked in on me doing the most embarrassing thing a boy can do: dancing to Madonna's Lucky Star.

Mitchell Pritchett:
People can surprise you. You get so used to thinking of them one way, stuck in their roles. They are what they are. Then they do something that shows you there's all this depth and dimension that you never knew existed.

Cameron Tucker:
Are you talking about Rob Lowe?

Mitchell Pritchett:
I'm just saying he's a very versatile actor. I think his good looks have actually held him back.

Cameron Tucker:
Well, I can relate to that.

Mitchell Pritchett:
This Saturday we're having dinner with Pepper, Longines and Crispin.

Cameron Tucker:
They're our gay friends.

Mitchell Pritchett:
I think that was clear. I have been around a lot of straight people lately, and I need a night out with my homies.

Cameron Tucker:
You mean your homos [Giggles]

Mitchell Pritchett:
Okay, maybe you should stay and babysit.

Manny Delgado:
Whoa, whoa, whha! What is this? Where's my soft-boiled egg?

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
I made it scrambled. It's healthy to try new things.

Manny Delgado:
You don't just spring things on me like this.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Well, guess what? This is not the biggest curve ball life is going to throw at you.

Jay Pritchett:
I used to be afraid to try new things. Take crab cakes. I didn't want them, tried them, loved them. End of story.

Manny Delgado:
Wow! Are the movie rights available for that one?

Claire Dunphy:
He does have a point. We don't know the man.

Phil Dunphy:
Yeah. Old people and young people can be friends. Here are some examples: Up, Gran Torino, True Grit.

Claire Dunphy:
Cartoon, kills himself, loses an arm.

Manny Delgado:
So I have to try new things and you don't? What about the crab cakes?

Jay Pritchett:
That was a fluke, and I can't smother that boring music in tartar sauce.

Dylan:
[about his shoes] I think I left them at your uncle's house.

Haley Dunphy:
Oh, my God! This is a disaster!

Dylan:
Maybe they'll think it's theirs.

Haley Dunphy:
They're gay, they know what shoes they own!

Mitchell Pritchett:
Hey, Haley.

Haley Dunphy:
Oh, hey, Uncle Mitchell.

Mitchell Pritchett:
Hey, is your mom home?

Haley Dunphy:
No. She had to take Alex to the oncologist.

Mitchell Pritchett:
Oh, my God. What's wrong?

Haley Dunphy:
She needed new glasses.

Mitchell Pritchett:
Oh. Did you mean the optometrist?

Haley Dunphy:
Whatever.

Phil Dunphy:
Claire, before you say no...

Claire Dunphy:
No.

Phil Dunphy:
But you haven't seen it yet.

Claire Dunphy:
I'm sticking with no.

Cameron Tucker:
Okay, we can't be the parents of a six-year-old who got a hundred dollars from the tooth fairy.

Mitchell Pritchett:
It's bad enough we're the parents of a six-year-old with a clutch.

Cameron Tucker:
Hey, that clutch transitions from day to night seamlessly, and now I don't have to carry crayons in my front pocket.

Mitchell Pritchett:
I'm not having this argument again.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
A typewriter! When is the book signing, 1975?

Phil Dunphy:
Gil Pickles. Genius! Much better than my Phil-low Cases.

Phil Dunphy:
We'll just have to tell her she can't work for this guy. He's Gil-ty of being a Thorpe on my side.

Luke Dunphy:
You're trying too hard.

Phil Dunphy:
I know.

Phil Dunphy:
Luke, you clean the bathroom.

Luke Dunphy:
How come I have to do the bathroom?

Alex Dunphy:
Because you always mess it up?

Haley Dunphy:
Yeah. Why can't you pee straight?

Luke Dunphy:
Hey, I'm doing a great job from that far back.

Phil Dunphy:
Say, you're home early.

Claire Dunphy:
I quit. That man was a pig. He treated me like a servant. Had no respect for me at all.

Phil Dunphy:
Honey, I'm so sorry.

[They hug]

Phil Dunphy:
You deserve so much better than that.

Claire Dunphy:
Thank you.

Phil Dunphy:
So, what's for dinner?

[Claire walks away insulted]

Phil Dunphy:
You may have heard wrong. I said "What's for dinner?"

Claire Dunphy:
I heard it!

Alex Dunphy:
Sanjay Patel and I have to dissect a pig today.

Haley Dunphy:
Is that what passes for a date with you?

Claire Dunphy:
Hey!

Alex Dunphy:
He just asks me to hand him the instruments. He thinks of me as a nurse.

Luke Dunphy:
That sounds more like one of Hayley's dates.

Phil Dunphy:
History is full of great rivalries. Athens versus Sparta. Harding versus Kerrigan. Gil Thorpe versus Phil Dunphy. He's the Tonya to my Nancy.

Phil Dunphy:
I'm using my veto.

Claire Dunphy:
Veto? You don't get a veto.

Phil Dunphy:
You veto me all the time.

Claire Dunphy:
That's because you're ideas are dumb.

Phil Dunphy:
Name one!

Phil Dunphy:
[to camera] That went on for a while.

Claire Dunphy:
And let's not forget shower snacks.

Phil Dunphy:
I can't be the only one who gets hungry in there!

Jay Pritchett:
I have a character in a bind.

Manny Delgado:
What did he do?

Jay Pritchett:
He told his wife he could write a book.

Phil Dunphy:
I retract my veto.

Claire Dunphy:
You never had a veto.

Phil Dunphy:
Yes, I did.

Claire Dunphy:
No, you didn't, and here's why.

Phil Dunphy:
[to camera] And that went on for a while.

Claire Dunphy:
And finally, we would be having this conversation in a yurt.

Phil Dunphy:
It's the perfect structure!

Mitchell Pritchett:
They can take us at 5:15...

Cameron Tucker:
What are we, 80?

Mitchell Pritchett:
...or 10:45.

Cameron Tucker:
What are we, 20?

Luke Dunphy:
What were Mom and Dad doing?

Alex Dunphy:
Nothing!

Luke Dunphy:
Whatever it was, it looked like Dad was winning.

Luke Dunphy:
Did you notice that dad had the same face as when he smells a new car?

Claire Dunphy:
So you're here giving me a lecture about the importance of locking my bedroom door, while here to erase a naked picture of your wife sent by mistake to my e-mail.

Jay Pritchett:
The irony is just occuring to me.

Phil Dunphy:
Maybe they didn't see anything.

Claire Dunphy:
Sweetie, they-they screamed, they dropped a tray of dishes and they ran out of here like they were on fire.

Phil Dunphy:
You were on fire, lady.

Claire Dunphy:
Really? You're still going?

Phil Dunphy:
Well, forgive me for thinking your zesty performance deserved some praise.

Jay Pritchett:
Oh, well. We tried. Vegas, here we come!

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Turn... around... the car!

Jay Pritchett:
Only because I want to.

Mitchell Pritchett:
You have a great house. Love the retro-sixties look. Of course, if this was the sixties, we would be a pair of "confirmed bachelors" and Lily here would be a Yorkie.

Amelia:
And I'd still be trapped in a loveless marriage.

[at Jay's workplace, Manny accidentally drove a forklift through a wall]

Manny Delgado:
Mom, I'm fine. The hospital said I could go back to school.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
No. You suffered a traumatic experience.

Manny Delgado:
I barely remember it. I remember crashing through the wall... and the ambulance ride to the hospital.

Jay Pritchett:
That wasn't an ambulance. I drove you.

Manny Delgado:
Then what was that siren?

Jay Pritchett:
That was your mother.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
I was not that loud.

Jay Pritchett:
Cars pulled over, honey.

Jay Pritchett:
Get this through your head: you can give me the cold shoulder the rest of your life; Jack's not coming back. See, I could overlook the goofing off, but you could have been seriously hurt today. Anybody puts my kid in danger doesn't get a second chance. Ever. I'll see you later.

Manny Delgado:
Did you just call me your kid?

Jay Pritchett:
Oh, geez.

Luke Dunphy:
[holding a music keyboard] Hey dad, I think I found a place online where I can sell this organ. Can you drive me to the black market?

Phil Dunphy:
I think they mean a different kind of organ, buddy.

Jay Pritchett:
ClosetCon is the premiere trade show in North America for the closet industry. I stopped going years ago because it's a trade show for the closet industry.

Phil Dunphy:
Who says the people at the closet convention have all the fun?

Luke Dunphy:
No one. No one says that.

Phil Dunphy:
[about Jay's Apollo 13 model] Look at the detail. You can almost see the astronauts drinking teeny-tiny Tang.

Cameron Tucker:
[about his grandmother] We've never told Grams about the gay. After a certain age, you never know if something you say will set them over the edge, and she's been on the edge for a long time. We're actually on death bed number two.

Mitchell Pritchett:
Missouri... Misery. Huh.

Alex Dunphy:
Will you get her off me? I'm getting dumber through osmosis.

Haley Dunphy:
I don't have osmosis.

Cameron Tucker:
What if I told you that I'm in love with this man right here?

Grams:
Then I know why God sent us this tornado.

Cameron Tucker:
She even agreed to attend the wedding.

Mitchell Pritchett:
Standing outside with a sign.

Cameron Tucker:
Baby steps.

Alex Dunphy:
I like football. Haley hates it. [Sits next to Jay] Which is weird, because it's all boys and there's no reading required. [Jay puts his hand on her head] Do you know she spends at least 45 minutes every morning doing her hair, and then sometimes... [Jay puts his hand over her mouth]

Claire Dunphy:
So what happened?

Principal Balaban:
Well, apparently there was some name-calling and shoving on the playground, but by the time the teachers separated them, Luke was sitting on Manny's chest.

Jay Pritchett:
Luke, that's not like you.

Principal Balaban:
Wait a minute. You're Luke's father?

Jay Pritchett:
Grandfather.

Principal Balaban:
So, Manny's father is... [Looks at Phil, who points to Jay]

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Javier. Crazy guy. That's where he gets his fire.

Principal Balaban:
Okay. You're...

Claire Dunphy:
He's our son.

Jay Pritchett:
And my grandson.

Claire Dunphy:
I'm his daughter.

Principal Balaban:
Okay, so you're...

Manny Delgado:
His uncle.

Luke Dunphy:
Stop saying that or I'll sit on your chest again!

Claire Dunphy:
Wait a second. Is that what this is all about?

Luke Dunphy:
He keeps calling me his nephew.

Manny Delgado:
You are my nephew!

Haley Dunphy:
Wait a second. How did you get onto my Facebook page? I unfriended you.

Alex Dunphy:
She's Brody Kendall.

Haley Dunphy:
Oh, my God, gross! I've been playing Candy Crush with my mother!

Haley Dunphy:
How hard can it be to find a nerdy roommate? They're all just versions of you. Indian you, blonde you, Asian you... Oh, look! Her name is actually Yu.

Alex Dunphy:
[Phil is standing in front of a closed theater] You know that isn't a movie named Closed for Demolition, right?

Phil Dunphy:
We're breaking in.

Luke Dunphy:
Are we going to smash a brick through the window?

Phil Dunphy:
I had something more elegant in mind. [Starts feeling the front door] You forget, I gave birth to this building. I know her strengths and her weaknesses. [Rattles the door but it won't open] Did you see a brick?

Mitchell Pritchett:
Hey, sweetie, hi. How was your day?

Lily Tucker-Pritchett:
Better than hers. [Referring to Cameron, who's crying] What's wrong now?

Mitchell Pritchett:
Daddy's just having a moment.

Lily Tucker-Pritchett:
He's always having a moment.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Here, how about this?

Manny Delgado:
This is turquoise, not teal. And a bra?

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Do you think the kids in my village had pocket squares?

Manny Delgado:
Again with the village.

Phil Dunphy:
It's Dunphy. Dunphy!

Jay Pritchett:
That's what I said, Dumphy.

Phil Dunphy:
Not Dum, dun. Dunphy.

Jay Pritchett:
Dumphy.

Phil Dunphy:
Say Dun.

Jay Pritchett:
Dun.

Phil Dunphy:
Say Phy.

Jay Pritchett:
Phy.

Phil Dunphy:
Dunphy.

Jay Pritchett:
Dumphy.

Mitchell Pritchett:
It's time to play everyone's favorite game.

Cameron Tucker:
Let's Blame the Gay Dads.

Mitchell Pritchett:
You know who had straight parents? Adolf Hitler.

Cameron Tucker:
Charles Manson.

Mitchell Pritchett:
Shall we go on?

Cameron Tucker:
Naomi Campbell.

Claire Dunphy:
They say they need volunteers so that everyone feels included, but they really want me to do it. I always plan the school dances. It's been my thing since Haley was twelve.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
They made us co-chair. That means we are supposed work together. But Claire doesn't take any of my ideas.

Claire Dunphy:
She suggested an Arabian Nights theme. Isn't it a little soon.

Mitchell Pritchett:
I can't believe Lily is biting. Lily, why are you biting?

Cameron Tucker:
She's not biting, she's teething.

Mitchell Pritchett:
On people! If she keeps biting on her playdates, they'll make her a pariah.

Cameron Tucker:
You mean piranha.

Mitchell Pritchett:
Really, Cam?

Cameron Tucker:
It was right there.

Cameron Tucker:
I've got a daughter who bites and a partner who stings.

Cameron Tucker:
[singing] Take a bite of an apple / Take a bite of a pear / Take a bite of a cookie that you left over there / Here's one thing you should never do / Take a bite of Tyler or Brandon or Sue / People aren't food / People aren't food / Kids will run from you / If they're scared of being chewed / And as a side note, private parts are private.

Cameron Tucker:
Ow, you bit me!

Mitchell Pritchett:
Well why don't you sing me a song about it?

Claire Dunphy:
Honey, are you wearing cologne?

Luke Dunphy:
No. Dad attacked the cologne guy and then hugged me.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
I didn't come here to steal your thunder. Your thunder is your thunder and my thunder is my thunder.

Claire Dunphy:
I know, it's just that God gave you so much thunder.

Claire Dunphy:
All right, everybody back to work!

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Everybody back to work!

Claire Dunphy:
I just said that.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
And I co-said it.

Claire Dunphy:
Is this because I wouldn't dance with you? I'm a married woman. How would that look?

Gus:
One dance with me, and you forget all about it.

Claire Dunphy:
I already have a man who doesn't change light bulbs at home.

Cameron Tucker:
What else does it say?

Mitchell Pritchett:
[Reading from parenting blog] "My son was biting, so I put a little pepper in his mouth. He cried and cried, but never bit again. Smiley face."

Cameron Tucker:
Oh, well that makes everything better, doesn't it? "I just waterboarded my child, LOL."

Claire Dunphy:
I made you chocolate chip pancakes.

Haley Dunphy:
Please. What am I, twelve?

Phil Dunphy:
Dibs on her's!

Luke Dunphy:
Keep your eyes open.

Manny Delgado:
It's not natural when you have a ball hurtling at your face.

Luke Dunphy:
Some are born into greatness, some have it hurled at their face.

Cameron Tucker:
What did we learn from "A League Of Their Own"?

Claire Dunphy:
There's no crying in baseball.

Cameron Tucker:
No, that Madonna's a lousy actress, and so are you.

Phil Dunphy:
You want to play chicken? Chicken's my middle name.

Jay Pritchett:
[about Gloria's off-key rendition of "Mockingbird"] Papa's gonna buy ten diamond rings to keep that mockingbird from singing. But I wasn't going to tell Gloria. That's taking a bath with a toaster.

Cameron Tucker:
You know what I just realized?

Mitchell Pritchett:
That some thoughts are best left unexpressed?

Cameron Tucker:
That in our relationship, I'm the pedal and you're the brake.

Mitchell Pritchett:
Last week you said that you were the painting and I was the frame.

Cameron Tucker:
That was if we were an artwork. This is if we were a car.

Mitchell Pritchett:
If we were a horse, I know which part you'd be.

Claire Dunphy:
[to Phil over the phone] What hurts most is that you didn't believe in me, and you believe in everything.

Cameron Tucker:
[to Mitchell over the phone] I knew that sweater wasn't stolen. You know, I picked blue to match your eyes, but I should have picked black to match your heart, and now I realize you look great in black, damn you.

Manny Delgado:
I'm gonna go out there and just swing for it. And if every sports movie is correct, I'm gonna hit that ball and the crowd will carry me over their shoulders chanting my name. By the way, do I have to run the bases counterclockwise of can I switch?

Luke Dunphy:
I don't think it's gonna matter.

Cameron Tucker:
[Surveying a lot for a baseball field] I see home plate there, I see the pitchers mound over here, and I see little boys's dreams sprouting everywhere.

Luke Dunphy:
I found a dead snake.

Claire Dunphy:
It's perfect.

Luke Dunphy:
[Running away] Not dead! Not dead!

Claire Dunphy:
I'm gonna be mom of the year.

Manny Delgado:
I may not be the tallest or the most athletic, but someday I will be the richest. Which is good, because the ladies love that, and I've grown accustomed to a certain lifestyle.

Mitchell Pritchett:
[to Cameron on the phone] Okay, it's Toontown, not Toonton. You've been watching too much PBS.

Jay Pritchett:
Dee Dee and I were supposed to take the kids to Disneyland, but that morning we had some sort of fight - surprise, surprise - and I ended up taking them by myself. Claire's biggest fear was running into the Wicked Queen; mine was that I married her.

Haley Dunphy:
[to Dylan, in a Little John costume] Why are you dancing like that?

Dylan:
This is what Little John does, maybe. I don't even know which movie this dude's from.

Jay Pritchett:
I don't know what happened. Maybe it's what Robot Lincoln said about a man's duty or keeping the union together. Maybe I just chickened out. But I realized that staying with my kids was more important than leaving my wife. That's not the right decision for everyone, but it was the right decision for me. So I stuck it out 'till they were grown.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
[Offscreen] Jay, come join me in the Jacuzzi!

Jay Pritchett:
And the universe rewarded me.

Jay Pritchett:
Come on, it's a robotic president. What's not to love?

Luke Dunphy:
It's a robotic president?

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Manny, you don't look very happy for a kid who's riding an elephant.

Mitchell Pritchett:
Everyone's staring at us. I haven't been judged by this many people since I forgot my canvas bags at Whole Foods.

Cameron Tucker:
They're just seeing something they wish they had.

Mitchell Pritchett:
A pet child?

Jay Pritchett:
You know what the fight with Dede was about? I taped a football game over an episode of "Dallas". Who bails on a family trip to Disneyland over something like that? Ironically, Dallas was playing in the game. And I remember pointing that out to her, and then I remember a videocassette flying at my head.

[to help Mitchell and Cameron keep Lily from running around, Jay buys her a pair of children's high heels]

Jay Pritchett:
You know what? She's got pretty good gams for a three year old.

Mitchell Pritchett:
It's just a family portrait, so go easy on the filters. We don't need sepia tone.

Cameron Tucker:
You know what other tone we don't need?

Luke Dunphy:
I'm gonna go by the robotics lab, see how close they are to a female.

Phil Dunphy:
Hold on there, mister! They're not as close as you think, and you're not leaving my sight.

Luke Dunphy:
I wonder what kind of experiment we'll do? Maybe they'll show us those inkblots that look like two girls kissing.

Phil Dunphy:
Little tip from an old pro, they can electrify cheese.

Luke Dunphy:
So, we're not pushing the button?

Phil Dunphy:
No, we're supporting Haley.

Luke Dunphy:
For the rest of your life.

Phil Dunphy:
Okay, huddle up everybody. Your mother's right. She's the quarterback of this family and we need to protect her like Blind Side did.

Luke Dunphy:
She just said that mom was Blind Side.

Phil Dunphy:
She's confused. Blind Side was the black kid who played tight end.

Alex Dunphy:
Offensive line.

Phil Dunphy:
Sorry, African-American kid.

Jay Pritchett:
Write this down: A good salesman goes after Moby Dick in a rowboat and brings the tartar sauce with him.

Cameron Tucker:
When you come back, this kitchen will be scrubbed like a crime scene, which it is, because you murdered joy.

Manny Delgado:
Excuse me, would you like some Christmas wrapping paper?

Jewish Neighbor:
Actually, I'm Jewish.

Manny Delgado:
Then you must appreciate a good value.

Jay Pritchett:
Oy vey.

Manny Delgado:
You'll never go broke playing to a rich man's ego. Write *that* down.

Mitchell Pritchett:
When you come back, there will be a great, big mess waiting for you.

Cameron Tucker:
And I will give him a great, big hug.

Luke Dunphy:
Can you keep a secret?

Mitchell Pritchett:
Well, I kept a pretty big one for twenty-two years.

[Claire has reluctantly allowed Dylan to come on the Pritchett family's vacation]

Dylan:
[taking steps forward as he talks] I've never been this far from home before. Now I've never been this far. Now I've never been this far.

Claire Dunphy:
[quietly, to Phil] Where's a cliff when you need one?

Haley Dunphy:
[searching for Dylan, who has disappeared] Dylan!

Dylan:
What?

Haley Dunphy:
Where are you?

Dylan:
Wyoming!

[Dylan has disapppeared]

Hank:
Okay, people, looks like we have a walker. Right now he is facing treacherous terrain, sudden drops, mountain lions, hungry bears... oh, and wolverines. That is if the hypothermia didn't already get him.

Claire Dunphy:
[quietly, to herself] Why did we come here again?

Hank:
So our best bet is to split up. You two are gonna take to the north hiking trail.

Haley Dunphy:
Can I go with my dad instead?

Hank:
Negative. I need Buffalo Phil and old-timer to check the Snake River.

Phil Dunphy:
[pleased] "Buffalo Phil". Worth the wait.

Hank:
Me and Cactus Flower will ride on up to Destiny Ridge.

Jay Pritchett:
Maybe I should ride up there with her.

Hank:
Negatory. That trail is for advanced riders only. We don't need another dead body.

Haley Dunphy:
[worried] "Another"?

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Jay, what are you wearing? You can't go to church like that.

Jay Pritchett:
Well, that settles it then. I'm going golfing.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
You're gonna miss church again? Last Sunday, you said that you had to go the office. The week before, you had breakfast with a friend.

Manny Delgado:
And before that, you thought you had a cold that turned out not to be a cold.

Jay Pritchett:
Because I babied it.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
You don't have to convince us. You have to convince Him.

Jay Pritchett:
Who, God? Me and God are good.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
How would you know?

Jay Pritchett:
Look, you feel God in church, which is great. I feel God out in nature, amongst his works.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Are you gonna go to church next week?

Jay Pritchett:
We'll see.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
I know what "we'll see" means. If you're done with church, just say it.

Jay Pritchett:
I'm done with church.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Don't say that!

Manny Delgado:
Can I go golfing with you?

Jay Pritchett:
Eh, I'm probably gonna have a Latino kid carry my clubs anyway. Might as well be you.

Pepper Saltzman:
I don't know who I am anymore. Who am I? I'm a joke, that's who.

Cameron Tucker:
No. You're not a joke. You're Pepper Saltzman.

Luke Dunphy:
This wouldn't have happened if Alex would've let me use her project.

Alex Dunphy:
No. That is my intellectual property. I think it may have unmanned flight applications.

Haley Dunphy:
Keep talking like that and you'll spend the rest of your life unmanned.

Mitchell Pritchett:
Claire is the son dad never had. He always wanted someone to toss the ball around the backyard. I tossed the ball once, but... he did not attend.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
That's how you know they love you, when they're confortable enough to yell at you.

Jay Pritchett:
Then I owe my ex-wife an apology. Apparently she was nuts about me.

Mitchell Pritchett:
We're interviewing prospective mothers for adoption.

Cameron Tucker:
It's quite an ordeal. You want to look good, make a good first impression. It's kind of like going on a first date.

Mitchell Pritchett:
Actually, it's the opposite of a first date. You don't want to have sex, but you do want to have a baby.

Cameron Tucker:
What we got out of the experience was that I can sing.

Mitchell Pritchett:
What we didn't get out of that experience was a baby, because she decided to keep it.

Lindsay:
Sometimes the furniture tells you where it wants to go.

Cameron Tucker:
Don't think of it as taking her baby. Think of it as saving it from trying to find East Dakota.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Taxi! The taxis are not stopping just because I'm Latina!

Haley Dunphy:
Or maybe because it was just a yellow car.

Alex Dunphy:
[Claire wants Alex to tell her how she did the egg drop project] I didn't want to do this, but here's what you do: First, get a mirror. Then, you will look at it and you're gonna see a crazy woman. She needs your help.

Claire Dunphy:
You know, I made the egg that made you that made that project, so in a lot of ways, that project is mine! [Looks in mirror] You're good.

Alex Dunphy:
Give it up. You're all just playing for second.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
[Yelling on the phone in Spanish] Yes! Auntie! Yes! You're 73 years old, not 20! Of course, but I'm in the United States so kill yourself! Kill yourself, because I don't care! [laughs] Ok, yes! I love you! Muah! Muah! Muah! [hangs up]

Manny Delgado:
I understood "crazy old witch," "go kill yourself," then "I love you."

Jay Pritchett:
I'll never get this; how you all yell at each other.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
That's how you know that your family loves you, when they feel free to scream at you.

Claire Dunphy:
This is your fault.

Jay Pritchett:
What?

Claire Dunphy:
The way we compete with each other, it's sick. It's so sick, two thirteen year olds know how to take advantage of us.

Jay Pritchett:
Claire likes to win. When she was eight, a little Girl Scout friend of hers bragged she could sell the most cookies. Damned if Claire didn't walk the neighborhood 'till she got blisters on her feet, and won by ten boxes. Best part is, Claire wasn't even a Girl Scout.

Haley Dunphy:
[about her college acceptance letters] This whole waiting to hear thing has been a nightmare since the very first letter.

[flashback]

Haley Dunphy:
I'm too nervous. I can't do it.

[Alex grabs the letter]

Alex Dunphy:
"Dear Ms. Dunphy, we regret to inform you..."

[Alex trails off; Claire sighs and gives Haley a comforting hug]

Haley Dunphy:
What? Don't leave me hanging.

[back to present]

Haley Dunphy:
After that, I decided to only tell my parents good news.

[Holding up more acceptance letters]

Haley Dunphy:
I have one school left. And the only good news I've gotten is that my annoying neighbor Becky is moving back east to Oregon.

Phil Dunphy:
Councilwoman Dunphy, how do you respond to allegations that you look super sexy in your new suit?

Claire Dunphy:
I haven't been elected yet. Come on, kids! We gotta vote! Honey, come on. Please stop filming.

Phil Dunphy:
I'm just excited. After today, you are going to be a councilwoman and I am going to be a First Husband.

Claire Dunphy:
Well, if you don't stop filming, you're going to be *my* first husband. All right, everybody, come on! You know what you're doing, kids? You guys are manning the phone banks. Alex, you're in charge of that.

Haley Dunphy:
What? Why is she in charge? And wh-what's a phone bank?

Alex Dunphy:
That's why.

Mitchell Pritchett:
Yes, my sister and I were actually a very good team. We were called "fire and nice." I was "fire," 'cause of the red hair, and Claire was "nice," because it was ironic and she wasn't.

Cameron Tucker:
And Mitchell is still upset because Claire quit the team right before some meet.

Mitchell Pritchett:
"Some meet"? The 13-and-under regional championships; just the Emerald City at the end of my yellow brick road.

Cameron Tucker:
Wow! You did it.

Mitchell Pritchett:
What?

Cameron Tucker:
You made figure skating sound even gayer.

Jay Pritchett:
Who Da Manny?

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
[Trying to make amends after Manny defeats Caroline who happens to be an orphan from the children's hospital] So, can we take you and Caroline out for ice cream?

Denise:
We can't. She's diabetic.

Jay Pritchett:
Of course she is.

Mitchell Pritchett:
I'll get the tree. Because if you get the wrong one, you know, people get upset.

Claire Dunphy:
You get upset.

Mitchell Pritchett:
I'm people.

Alex Dunphy:
My mom tells me it's "Xmas" in a text?

Mitchell Pritchett:
Yeah, well, my mother canceled in a voicemail and told me she had a boyfriend in a newsletter, so join the team.

Jay Pritchett:
Why are you wearing a sweater when it's ninety-five degrees out?

Cameron Tucker:
It's my Christmas sweater.

Jay Pritchett:
Based on those stains, you are the Christmas sweater.

Manny Delgado:
I don't like the looks of this guy.

Phil Dunphy:
He looks just like everyone else.

Manny Delgado:
Great, you can tell that to the police sketch artist.

[Phil and Manny, who were supposed to get the turkey, enter]

Claire Dunphy:
Oh, thank God. Here comes Phil and the Butterball.

Manny Delgado:
I have a name!

Cameron Tucker:
[Enters the pool area with Lily] Look who finally got into her itsy-bitsy bikini!

Phil Dunphy:
He can say that beause he's gay.

Claire Dunphy:
He meant Lily.

Phil Dunphy:
So did... I.

Claire Dunphy:
No turkey? What's the plan, Phil?

Phil Dunphy:
Cornish game hen. If you look real close, it looks like a turkey, and we each get one.

Jay Pritchett:
Sounds like fun.

Claire Dunphy:
No! Not fun! You were supposed to get a cooked turkey. These aren't even defrosted.

Phil Dunphy:
You want them defrosted? Here. [Takes taser and shocks each hen with it] Merry... freaking... Christmas!

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Is that my stun gun?

Phil Dunphy:
Yeah, and it works great!

Phil Dunphy:
Ever heard of Express Christmas? No, you haven't, because I just invented it. Express Christmas, TM.

Mitchell Pritchett:
Why don't we ever go shopping together?

Alex Dunphy:
Because I hate shopping.

Mitchell Pritchett:
I do too!

Manny Delgado:
First you lose me at the grocery store, then you leave me alone in a dark alley. Why don't you just put a sign on me that says "Free Kid"?

Jay Pritchett:
Can I put in my two cents on fake Christmas?

Phil Dunphy:
Express Christmas.

Jay Pritchett:
Let it go, Phil. It's not sticking.

Phil Dunphy:
It needs time.

Phil Dunphy:
Usually, I'm a rule follower, but when someone tells me that I can't bring my own snacks into their stadium, that's when I get a little... [points at jacket]... nuts. It's a free country, right? Let's just say it... [points]... Ruffles me when some... [points]... Goobers tell me I have to spend half my... [points]... Pay Day on their... [taps leg]... hot dogs.

Jay Pritchett:
Where's my good underwear?

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
The question is, why isn't all your underwear good, Jay? You make a nice living.

Phil Dunphy:
What people do in the privacy of their sports stadium should be their own business!

Jay Pritchett:
How do you turn off the sprinklers?

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Ay, of course, because I'm Latina I have to know everything about gardening and sprinklers!

Jay Pritchett:
You were there when they install it.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Ay, yeah.

Jay Pritchett:
Back in '68, when I was sweeping up hair in that barbershop, I had this mental picture of the family that, if I was lucky enough, I would end up with. Perfect wife, perfect kids... Well guess what? I didn't get any of that. I wound up with this sorry bunch. And I'm thankful for that every day. Well, most days.

Phil Dunphy:
My idea was to have the whole family on a giant bed like in Willie Wonka.

Claire Dunphy:
That's ridiculous.

Phil Dunphy:
Ridiculicious.

Cameron Tucker:
[answers phone] Hello?

Mitchell Pritchett:
There's a pigeon in the house! What do I do, what do I do?

Cameron Tucker:
Who is this?

Mitchell Pritchett:
Not funny, not funny now.

Cameron Tucker:
Relax, I was around animals as a kid. One time, a rooster got inside, my mother wrung its neck and we had it for dinner.

Mitchell Pritchett:
Not the time for an anecdote.

Haley Dunphy:
My pimple's starting to show.

Claire Dunphy:
Can you stand?

Haley Dunphy:
Yeah.

Claire Dunphy:
Then this picture's happening.

Haley Dunphy:
It's all everyone's gonna see!

Claire Dunphy:
[Sees Gloria wearing a short, slinky dress] Somehow I doubt that.

Cameron Tucker:
All right, we get it. You don't like small talk and birds. You're lucky that pigeon didn't want to chat about the weather.

Jay Pritchett:
So Chamberlain comes in one day with a friend, and it's Elvis. Best singer in the world after Sinatra, and I'll fight anyone who says different.

Luke Dunphy:
Dad says the best singer in the world is Peabo Bryson.

Jay Pritchett:
Then I'll have to fight your dad.

Jay Pritchett:
So you don't like small talk. That's how I met Gloria. You remember what I said?

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Yes. "I like chocolate and I like fruit, but not together."

Jay Pritchett:
You couldn't come up with that, Ivy League?

Manny Delgado:
[At the Lakers' game] Cool. The 'Kiss-cam'! Wouldn't it be embarrassing if the camera was on us and then the crowd started...?

Alex Dunphy:
We're related.

Manny Delgado:
Not by blood.

Alex Dunphy:
Touch me and there will be blood.

Jay Pritchett:
When you're young and dreaming of your family, you think of this perfect family; perfect wife, perfect kids. Look at me, I got this sorry bunch. But you know I wouldn't trade them for anything.

Jay Pritchett:
[the sprinklers come on just as the family is posing for the picture] Gloria! How do you turn off the sprinklers?

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
[Offended] Sure, just because I'm Latina, I should know everything about gardening and landscaping.

Jay Pritchett:
You were here the day they put it in.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Oh, yes. It is that little box on the other side of the yard.

Phil Dunphy:
[Phil thinks Claire saw him and Gloria on the Kiss-cam at the Lakers' game] I didn't want to kiss her, it was her idea.

Claire Dunphy:
Wait a minute; who did you kiss?

Phil Dunphy:
Gloria; but it was her idea.

Claire Dunphy:
Was this before or after you ignored phone calls from your wife?

Jay Pritchett:
What, you kissed Gloria?

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
It was the Kiss Cam.It was no big deal.

Jay Pritchett:
You kissed Cam?

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
No, Phil; he told me I had to.

Phil Dunphy:
No. No I didn't.

Cameron Tucker:
It's more afraid of you then you are of it.

Mitchell Pritchett:
Pigeons aren't afraid of anything. They stand on electrical wires.

Jay Pritchett:
The new maid keeps mixing up my underwear with Manny's. Put on the first thing I grabbed. It was like a crotch tourniquet.

Alex Dunphy:
How can he be beating me at Words With Friends? It's impossible.

Haley Dunphy:
Shouldn't you be playing Words With Friends with friends?

Alex Dunphy:
Grandpa is my friend.

Haley Dunphy:
Yeah, that's not sad at all.

Alex Dunphy:
What?

Manny Delgado:
You call that folding? Where's that military precision?

Jay Pritchett:
We didn't fold many onesies in the Navy.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
[Struggling to read a menu] I'll take this one. It looks good.

Jay Pritchett:
That's their address, Magoo.

Alex Dunphy:
That's it. Grandpa's cheating.

Haley Dunphy:
On Gloria? How can he possibly do any better?

Alex Dunphy:
No, I mean on this game. No one ever beats me.

Haley Dunphy:
Keep playing games with grandpa, and no one ever will.

Phil Dunphy:
You know how many times you've seen me fall off this ladder? Well, now it will happen less.

Jay Pritchett:
So what did the doctor say?

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
He said my eyes were perfect.

Jay Pritchett:
Where was he looking when he said that?

Manny Delgado:
You use the word "divine" too much. It's just an ice-cream sandwich.

Jay Pritchett:
I won't be able to hear her, she won't be able to see me.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
We'll be together forever!

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
How was your lunch with the boys?

Jay Pritchett:
Good. Ran into Mitchell and Cam.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Ay, nice.

Jay Pritchett:
And you're not going to believe this: Mitchell says Shorty's gay.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Shorty?

[pause]

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Yeah, I believe it.

Jay Pritchett:
Oh, come on!

Phil Dunphy:
I just installed a sweet home theater system in the family room. The, uh, trouble is... Claire struggles with technology of any kind. I mean, remotes, cell phones, computers.

[flashback]

Claire Dunphy:
[entering Haley's room in her bra and panties, with her nightgown open] Haley, have you seen my blue...

Dylan:
[on Haley's webcam] Hey, Mrs. Dunphy.

Claire Dunphy:
Oh, hey, Dylan.

Phil Dunphy:
[open mouthed] You know I can see you, right?

Claire Dunphy:
[frozen in fear] No, I did not know that.

Manny Delgado:
I feel sick.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Let me check. [Kisses his forehead]

Jay Pritchett:
You know, we have a thermometer.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Do you have to be so white?

Cameron Tucker:
[about a sign for Sal's baby shower] Is this straight?

Pepper Saltzman:
We're hosting a baby shower in a room full of men in tailored suits. Nothing about this is... I can't even finish it.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
He doesn't want to go because a boy is teasing him.

Jay Pritchett:
In cooking class? We're running out of places where he can be cool.

Haley Dunphy:
This crazy b*tch just messed with the wrong crazy b*tch.

Claire Dunphy:
Do you know what we're gonna make?

Phil Dunphy:
Kids bored?

Phil Dunphy:
What'cha got there?

Claire Dunphy:
These are supplies for the crafts table. I finally figured out what we're gonna be making.

Phil Dunphy:
Kids bored?

Phil Dunphy:
No, no, no-no-no. I want the most dangerous reptile you've got.

Jungle Tanya:
I have an iguana that - uh - eats crickets.

Phil Dunphy:
That'd be scary if it was a birthday party for crickets. Seriously, Jungle Tanya, I need you to step it up a notch. Is there anything that scares the coocoo out of you?

Jungle Tanya:
Uh, not really. I do have a bearded dragon.

Phil Dunphy:
Ooh! Does it...

Jungle Tanya:
-no, it does not breath fire.

Phil Dunphy:
Well, then we're back to square one, aren't we?

Cameron Tucker:
Hey Phil, are you getting a clown for today?

Phil Dunphy:
Ohhh - no. Luke's not much of a clown fan.

Cameron Tucker:
Really?

Phil Dunphy:
Yeah, he never liked 'em.

Cameron Tucker:
Has he ever seen a good one?

Phil Dunphy:
Has anyone?

Phil Dunphy:
I am brave. Roller coasters? Love 'em. Scary movies? I've seen Ghostbusters like 7 times. I regularly drive through neighborhoods that have only recently been gentrified. So yeah I am pretty much not afraid of anything.

Cameron Tucker:
[Cut to Cameron entering dressed as Fizbo the clown] Well hey hey hey hey everybody! Quit your clowning around, that's my job!

Phil Dunphy:
Except clowns. Never shared that with the 'fam, so shhh! I do have an image to maintain. I am not really sure where the fear comes from, my mother says it's cause when I was a kid I found a dead clown in the woods. But who knows?

Phil Dunphy:
This house is going to sell. Because who's the best realtor in town?

Claire Dunphy:
Gil Thorpe.

Phil Dunphy:
That's right, and he's bringing potential buyers tomorrow.

Gil Thorpe:
I never joke about business. I joke about golf and Mexicans. I can do that because I'm married to one.

Haley Dunphy:
His name is Zack, and he went to college at a place called Mit.

Alex Dunphy:
MIT.

Haley Dunphy:
I know how to spell it.

Phil Dunphy:
She's like the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.

Cameron Tucker:
With cuter hair.

Haley Dunphy:
Stop talking!

Cameron Tucker:
She really is.

Trish:
I just need some time alone.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
In Manny's bedroom?

Trish:
I thought it was a bathroom. I smelled potpourri.

Jay Pritchett:
Fulgencio Umberto. The initials for that are F.U. Pritchett, which is exactly what it feels like right now.

Phil Dunphy:
[about Jay's baby's christening] Is there a dress code for godparents?

Claire Dunphy:
You're not wearing a fedora. Did you pick up the dry cleaning?

Phil Dunphy:
[imitating Marlon Brando] That sounds like an offer I can't refuse.

Claire Dunphy:
We're not doing that.

Father Krzyzieski:
In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, what name are you giving this child?

Jay Pritchett:
Fulgencio Joseph Pritchett.

Father Krzyzieski:
May God be with you all.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
[whispering] Thank you, Jay.

Jay Pritchett:
[whispering] We're never calling him that.

Phil Dunphy:
And then I realized, my kids didn't understand the concept of killing with kindness, because they've never seen it. So I'm going to show them, by going on a hugicidal rampage.

Claire Dunphy:
You have an in-law, and no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, they still don't like you.

Jay Pritchett:
That's right.

Claire Dunphy:
Doesn't that sound familiar?

Jay Pritchett:
You're not saying?

Claire Dunphy:
Oh, I am.

Jay Pritchett:
Son of a b*tch, I'm Phil!

Lily Tucker-Pritchett:
I'm bored.

Cameron Tucker:
I know, honey, but right now your daddies are talking about what they're going to wear, and that's a very stressful conversation.

Lily Tucker-Pritchett:
Cry me a river.

Mitchell Pritchett:
You know, I'm not liking this snarky attitude.

Lily Tucker-Pritchett:
Do you want me to call you a wah-mbulance?

Jay Pritchett:
Claire once asked me how Phil won me over. He hasn't yet, but when he stops trying too hard and acts like a real human being, he comes close. And that's what I need to do with Pilar.

Phil Dunphy:
Mot only that, the iPad comes out on my actual birthday. It's like God and Steve Jobs got together and said "We love you, Phil."

Jay Pritchett:
I'm gonna teach Manny how to play.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Manny knows how to play. His father taught him.

Jay Pritchett:
I'm gonna teach him the real version, not the Colombian version. We use the pieces to play the game, not smuggle stuff out of the country.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
I know one Colombian piece you won't be playing with later.

Jay Pritchett:
Take out any deep-seated anger you may have and come at me.

Mitchell Pritchett:
I don't have any deep-seated anger.

Jay Pritchett:
Remember that Halloween when I didn't let you dress up as Olivia Newton-John?

Mitchell Pritchett:
[Charging] YAAAAAAAH!

Jay Pritchett:
You can't sing "We Are The Champions"... without your Queen.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
[after throwing the chess game] Two more moves and... [Throat-slashing sound] I'm a great chess player, but I'm a better wife.

Manny Delgado:
I need my backpack. My poetry is in there.

Jay Pritchett:
Didn't you back it up in the computer?

Manny Delgado:
What kind of man writes poetry in a computer?

Jay Pritchett:
You could've stopped that sentence after "poetry".

Claire Dunphy:
Even with a spin off the coast, Phil will see what I see every day. The transformation begins when they are locked in a metal box. The Kraken is unleashed! [pause] Love my kids very much.

Claire Dunphy:
I didn't want to get halfway to Yellowstone only for Phil to discover what malevolent hell-spawn we have for children... whom I love very much.

Phil Dunphy:
Oh, my God! When my friends and I were drunk, we'd sit on these food trays and slide down the hill. Hop on!

Haley Dunphy:
I'm not hopping on.

Phil Dunphy:
You'll get the giggles.

Haley Dunphy:
I don't want to get the giggles.

Jay Pritchett:
Gloria is always complaining that we don't do enough stuff together, so we're sitting down to watch this crazy Colombian soap opera.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Fuego Y Hielo.

Jay Pritchett:
Which, roughly translated, means "Big Hair and Loud Yelling".

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
"Fire and Ice". It's about human suffering. You can relate to it.

Jay Pritchett:
I'm just saying the man's a judge, you'd think he'd wear a shirt.

Mitchell Pritchett:
Okay, when did hats come back?

Cameron Tucker:
That one's come back about eight times. Pick a side of the room, lady!

Julian:
Her butt used to be four inches off the ground.

Claire Dunphy:
I wonder what they do with all the butt they take out?

Longinus:
[as a large-breasted woman walks by] I think I have a theory.

Mitchell Pritchett:
[as they are being attacked by the wife of the man whose car they got by mistake] We're in a rut!

Cameron Tucker:
Really? You want to go over that now?

Mitchell Pritchett:
No, I mean we are in an actual rut! We're stuck!

Phil Dunphy:
Look, your whole life my job is to protect you, the job I kinda love. And I feel like I'm being forced into early retirement. I just needed to find you and make sure you were okay... For as long as I still get to do that.

Haley Dunphy:
Ugh... I just like you. It pisses me off when you say something sweet... I'm not leaving until the fall.

Phil Dunphy:
Maybe by then I could figure out how to put a forcefield around you... been working on that one since the first time I tried to fasten you onto your car seat. I pinched your chunky little thigh.

Haley Dunphy:
Aww... you know you basically just called me fat.

Mitchell Pritchett:
We had great tickets for Lady Gaga. I was looking forward to this concert for weeks. It's the one gay stereotype I allow myself.

Jay Pritchett:
Honey, I love you, but you have to learn to say no to people.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
All right. Ask me if you can go golfing.

Jay Pritchett:
Other people.

Phil Dunphy:
Note to Claire: if you want family drama, rent Spy Kids. They save their parents. You think they could have done that if they got yelled at?

Luke Dunphy:
I don't feel well.

Claire Dunphy:
Did you finish your milkshake?

Luke Dunphy:
I think that's the problem.

Luke Dunphy:
[after being forced to have too much 'fun'] I'm 12, I need limits!

Guillermo:
Last year, 4 billion dollars was spent on dog training.

Jay Pritchett:
That's not true.

Guillermo:
I know; I was just as surprised as you are.

Jay Pritchett:
Yeah; you were surprised because it's not true.

Guillermo:
So what is this multi-billion dollar industry missing?

Jay Pritchett:
Multi-billion dollars.

Phil Dunphy:
I don't like being you.

Claire Dunphy:
Nobody does.

Phil Dunphy:
[after Hayley and Alex trick him] You poked the bear, girls! You poked him!

Phil Dunphy:
But I was going to take Luke and Manny go-karting for their good report cards.

Claire Dunphy:
What was good about Luke's report card?

Phil Dunphy:
...He didn't lose it.

Phil Dunphy:
When my dad is ready, he gets to pick his own girlfriend. That's the big upside to your wife dying. [pause] Also not having to think before you speak.

Manny Delgado:
You seem tense. They have a sauna here, you want to take a spritz with me?

Cameron Tucker:
No, thanks. I'm in Florida. If I want to sweat more, I'd just move my arms.

Jay Pritchett:
Turns out she sent more men off to war than Lyndon Johnson.

Alex Dunphy:
[Reading from her grandmother's note] This is a lighter. It belonged to my favorite actor, Paul Newman. One day he came to the restaurant where I was a waitress and left it behind. For the first time in my life, I did something I wasn't supposed to and slipped it into my pocket. One of the customers saw and said "Don't worry. Your secret's safe with me." That customer turned out to be the love of my life, your grandfather. So, dear Alex, who I love so dearly, who's probably too much like me for her own good, don't be afraid to break the rules. You never know what might happen.

Cameron Tucker:
Gracie was a delight. The animals with antlers in her Christmas cards, inspired.

Phil Dunphy:
You know, not one of those pictures was Photoshopped.

Cameron Tucker:
Even the alligator?

Phil Dunphy:
She lost the tip of her pinky, but she had no regrets.

Mitchell Pritchett:
I think dad will love returning my gift this year.

Jay Pritchett:
A little early for tequila, isn't it?

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
It's for Luke.

Jay Pritchett:
I'm sure that makes it all better.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
I see the way he looks at this bottle. He looks at it the way you look at me in that strapless dress.

Jay Pritchett:
I do love that dress.

Claire Dunphy:
Remember how rebellious we were?

Mitchell Pritchett:
Weren't we, though? [Both laugh] Wait, were we? I mean, I had that red afro phase.

Claire Dunphy:
And me dating the whitest Puerto Rican on Earth.

Mitchell Pritchett:
Dwayne.

Jay Pritchett:
This family needs a leader, and I can't do it forever. You can handle it.

Alex Dunphy:
Do I have to?

Jay Pritchett:
[Puts the paper crown Lily made him on Alex's head] Heavy hangs the head.

Luke Dunphy:
This is not how I thought I'd go. I always expected to be at the bottom of the Grand Canyon in a bird suit.

Manny Delgado:
You still will, buddy. You still will.

Jay Pritchett:
Tell me you did something about the costumes.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
I'm going to get them this afternoon. You are going to be a gargle and I am goint to be an evil village bruja.

Jay Pritchett:
I know less now than I did when I asked.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
A bruja is a witch and a gargle is a gargle.

Manny Delgado:
She means gargoyle.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
That's what I said.

Haley Dunphy:
[Wearing a tight nurse's outfit] You said get one of my old costumes.

Claire Dunphy:
Not from when you were eight. Do you want to get candy or Japanese businessmen?

Alex Dunphy:
Why am I in a cage?

Claire Dunphy:
Because you're in a house of horrors. You are being held against your will.

Alex Dunphy:
I know, so why am I in a cage?

Haley Dunphy:
[Wearing a sexy cat costume] Check it. I'm a scary Halloween cat.

Claire Dunphy:
Honey, no. Why don't you put on one of your old costumes?

Haley Dunphy:
What's wrong with this?

Claire Dunphy:
Honey, trust me, I'm sparing you an entire day of guys asking you if you have a rough tongue.

Haley Dunphy:
Eew!

Mitchell Pritchett:
There are exactly three people in costume here: a tool, a douche and me... and I don't have time to go home and change.

Cameron Tucker:
Calm down. Did you bring in the dry cleaning from last night?

Mitchell Pritchett:
Are you really getting on me about the dry clean... oh, I have suits in the trunk!

Cameron Tucker:
Look at that. Yesterday's lazy cures today's crazy.

Phil Dunphy:
When someone your age dies, what's the first thing you want to know? Died of what? You just want to hear if it's something that can't happen to you. Well, it's the same thing with divorce. Tell me it was booze, cheating, physical abuse, no problem. I'm a monogamous social drinker, and Claire only sleep-hits me. Just don't tell me it came from out of the blue.

Claire Dunphy:
I'm a mom travelling with her kids. It's not a vacation, it's a business trip.

Phil Dunphy:
In nature, fathers are known to eat their young. Is it because they're delicious? No. It's because they want to give their female... bear, giraffe, what have you... the honeymoon they never had. Just to be clear: I don't condone eating your kids, although I sure as heck know why giraffes do it.

Jay Pritchett:
Give me the biggest cheeseburger you have. Instead of salad, I want fries, and instead of fruit, chilli fries.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
I thought one of the advantages of marrying an older guy would be that I would get to relax. But with the swimming and running and rowing... it's how some of my relatives came to this country.

Manny Delgado:
I know what all of you are thinking: my jacket is wrinkled. I would have ironed it, but someone here thought it would be a great idea to use the iron to make a grilled cheese sandwich.

Luke Dunphy:
I had bread. I had cheese. I had an iron. What was I supposed to do?

Manny Delgado:
Don't you want to keep the room neat? We might have to entertain.

Luke Dunphy:
Who would we entertain?

Manny Delgado:
I saw twin girls over at the kid's club. I thought we might reserve a spot by the pool, send them a couple of virgin mai-tais. They might be interested in two sophisticated guys like us.

Luke Dunphy:
[Wearing a shower cap and flippers and holding a hair dryer] I am a bathroom Martian. Beep boop beep! I come from the great toilet nebula. Beep boop bop beep!

Cameron Tucker:
I like meeting new people. We still keep in touch with some of the people we've met. Like Elunga, this man we met while in safari in Tanzania. We send him some of our old T-shirts. He was a nice man when we met him, but from his latest pictures we suspect he's become a warlord.

Claire Dunphy:
Are you watching Gloria reflected in my sunglasses?

Phil Dunphy:
Is she moving in slow-motion, or is that my imagination?

Mitchell Pritchett:
You don't know what you're missing. 45 varieties of lavender.

Cameron Tucker:
You're not making the compelling case you think you are.

Mitchell Pritchett:
[They've lost Lily in a banana plantation] Why did you dress her in jungle prints?

Cameron Tucker:
I thought it would be cute!

Mitchell Pritchett:
She's gonna think she's back in Vietnam!

Claire Dunphy:
[At Jay's birthday dinner] Well, look who finally decided to join us. Where is your sister?

Alex Dunphy:
She's in our bathroom; throwing up.

Claire Dunphy:
What! What's the matter with her?

Alex Dunphy:
I know you're not going to find this as funny as I do; but she's drunk.

[Jay is stuck in a hammock after his back gives out]

Jay Pritchett:
I'm stuck. I laid down, my back went out.

Phil Dunphy:
Oh. Well, don't you worry. We're gonna get you out of here. Grab on.

Jay Pritchett:
Yeah, you know, Phil, this might not be the best...

Phil Dunphy:
No, no, no, no, no. I'm just gonna rock you. Like a hurricane. I'm kidding. You're too old to get that.

Manny Delgado:
I wanna be home schooled.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Really, Manny? Do you want me to learn you English?

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Jay won't let me help with his business, and now Manny won't let me help with his homework. It's so frustrating. I have all the answers!

Phil Dunphy:
I'll admit it. I'm turned on by powerful women. Michelle Obama, Oprah, Condolezza Rice, Serena Williams... wait a minute.

Mitchell Pritchett:
[as he sees Jay, Phil and Cameron going to confront the boy who scammed Haley] No, we are not vigilantes!

Cameron Tucker:
Shotgun!

Mitchell Pritchett:
No! No weapons!

Jay Pritchett:
This kid is on the job for ten minutes and he wants me to wow him.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
What is this wow?

Manny Delgado:
It's the Bieberization of America.

Jay Pritchett:
What do beavers have to do with this?

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
The beavers, they build the dams all over the country so there are no floods. It's the beaverization of America.

Manny Delgado:
I find that we have less and less to talk about.

Mitchell Pritchett:
Cam thinks he's Dirty Harry.

Jay Pritchett:
I have trouble picturing Clint Eastwood in that shirt.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Let me tell you a story. There was this girl who entered a beauty contest. She was nervous because she was very scared that she was going to lose.

Claire Dunphy:
Let me guess. You won.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Of course I did. I was talking about my cousin Maria Conchita. She had a nose like a toucan and had to stuff her big body into this little bikini. She came in dead last.

Claire Dunphy:
Why are you telling me all this?

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
The point is, she faced her fear and it didn't kill her. What killed her was the bus that hit her two weeks later.

Cameron Tucker:
You know, if this were a romantic comedy, this would be our meet cute. We'd spend the rest of the afternoon drinking wine, eating food, flying a kite... you know, montage-y stuff.

Mitchell Pritchett:
Am I in this movie of yours?

Cameron Tucker:
Yeah, you're the gay best friend.

Luke Dunphy:
[scoffing] Police. Aren't they too busy winning the war on drugs?

Mitchell Pritchett:
[to Jay, Phil and Cameron] See you in prison! It'll be a big adjustment for two of you.

Claire Dunphy:
Phil, where are you, honey? I need to talk to you. Do you know what our daughter did?

Phil Dunphy:
[trying to cover up Alex's stupor] Nothing. She's fine. She's reading.

Claire Dunphy:
No, not her. Haley. Haley, come over here. I wanna talk to you.

Phil Dunphy:
There she is! Not a scratch on her.

Claire Dunphy:
You have something you wanna say to us?

Haley Dunphy:
Uh...

Claire Dunphy:
Mmm... let me help you out here. Fake IDs?

Phil Dunphy:
What?

Claire Dunphy:
Mm-hmm. Haley tried to get her and her friends some fake IDs.

Haley Dunphy:
I wasn't going to use them for drinking. We just wanted to get into this club to see a band.

Claire Dunphy:
She took a bunch of money from them, and then she lost it.

Phil Dunphy:
How much?

Alex Dunphy:
[slurring] $900.

Phil Dunphy, Claire Dunphy:
You're kidding me!/Oh my god!

Haley Dunphy:
It's not my fault! I gave the money to this guy. He's the one who ripped us off.

Claire Dunphy:
[to Luke] What happened to your face?

Luke Dunphy:
Oh. I ran into a door.

Phil Dunphy:
Yeah.

Claire Dunphy:
What happened to your face?

Luke Dunphy:
Dad hit me.

Phil Dunphy:
It was an accident. I was trying to open up a Band-Aid.

Claire Dunphy:
Phil!

Claire Dunphy:
[seeing Alex passed out on the couch] What's wrong with her?

Phil Dunphy:
Growth spurt.

Claire Dunphy:
What's wrong with her?

Phil Dunphy:
I drugged her.

Claire Dunphy:
Phil...

Phil Dunphy:
I accidentally gave her the nighttime allergy medicine.

Jay Pritchett:
You have one of two choices: either go take a pity bath, or go back to that school like a man and act like you don't even know that girl.

Manny Delgado:
If mom asks, I borrowed her tub pillow.

Alex Dunphy:
Check the structural integrity of the trophy case, 'cause mama's bringing it home!

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
I wanted to kill him, but I bite my tongue because this family accuses me of being a Colombian hothead. Which is silly because a Colombian hothead is when you set someone's hair on fire. It smells bad, but it sends a message.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
You need to stand up for yourself.

Haley Dunphy:
Do you know how easy it is for you to say that?

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
No, nothing in English is easy for me to say.

Cameron Tucker:
Jay is filling in for our star bowler, who is recovering from a groin pull. An actual groin pull, not the party at Fire Island.

Jay Pritchett:
Fine, I'll do it. I don't like that guy. But what happens if someone I know comes in here? I don't want them thinking I have a double life.

Cameron Tucker:
Trust me, if someone you know comes in here, they are the ones living a double life.

Haley Dunphy:
I hope I'm as cool as you guys in thirty years.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Does she think we're fifty?

Mitchell Pritchett:
No, she's just bad at math.

Jay Pritchett:
First you tell them I'm gay, and now I have a boyfriend? All these lies just to win a trophy?

Cameron Tucker:
Yes.

Jay Pritchett:
I can respect that.

Phil Dunphy:
I've been on a bit of a tear lately. Seems I've struck a rich vein in realty: lonely divorced women. Looks like I struck the single mother lode.

Claire Dunphy:
I'm stretched a little thin, so I need to to do the groceries, pick up the laundry and clean out the branches on the front yard.

Phil Dunphy:
Done and done.

Claire Dunphy:
Is that just an expression, or did you only remember two of the things I told you?

Phil Dunphy:
The second one.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
There is the mark of the devil in our family. My great-great grandfather found an emerald mine, and sold his soul for it.

Jay Pritchett:
Is there any paperwork to prove this?

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
On my great grandmother's wedding day, a large bird picked him put and carried him off.

Jay Pritchett:
Did you realize that a remarkable number of your stories end with a family member being carried off by a giant bird?

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
I only say what I am told.

Jay Pritchett:
I'm just saying, by the third time we might think about moving the party inside.

Mitchell Pritchett:
So if I die, you'll wait a few weeks to replace me?

Cameron Tucker:
No, of course not. Where am I going to find another gay Mitchell with your exact markings?

Haley Dunphy:
Can I join in?

Luke Dunphy:
We kinda have a no-girls policy.

Haley Dunphy:
Is that a policy or just something that keeps happening?

Luke Dunphy:
The second one.

Jay Pritchett:
So what if Joe's a little rambunctious? Kids should just be themselves.

Manny Delgado:
[Wearing a Tyrolean hat] I'm ready.

Jay Pritchett:
Not with that hat.

Manny Delgado:
Guess I'm watching The Sound of Music with a regular hat.

Cameron Tucker:
Dylan, help me!

Dylan:
I can't. These cats and dogs are fighting like... Ungh!

Manny Delgado:
Sounds like someone could use a relaxing trip to Nazi-occupied Austria.

Manny Delgado:
When mom had to work driving a taxi, only one thing kept me going. You have a problem with Poppins, you have a problem with me.

Claire Dunphy:
Las Vegas, you have a gambling problem. Her name is Claire.

Phil Dunphy:
They say the only constant is change. Well, that is about to ch... be different.

Higgins:
[Watching performers from Kilty Pleasures] Reminds me of my late grandfather.

Phil Dunphy:
He was Scottish?

Higgins:
No, a stripper.

Phil Dunphy:
It happened! Satan's trifecta! The day I most dreaded falling on the day I most loved.

Mitchell Pritchett:
What are you in the mood for, birthday boy? Rom com or horror? Or we can do both and watch Maid In Manhattan.

Phil Dunphy:
I heard rumors - we all have - that females working or living in close quarters could get on the same... cycle. But I always assumed that was a story designed to keep women out of the submarine corps.

Mitchell Pritchett:
How could I miss the connection? A month after the most devastating twister to hit Cam's home town, I throw a party based on gay cinema's most famous tornado.

Claire Dunphy:
Phil, is this what you've been teaching our son, that women are some sort of unclean lepers that should be hidden under sheets for a week? Do you have any idea how offensive that is?

Phil Dunphy:
I do, honey, and from the bottom of my heart I am so... scared.

Luke Dunphy:
It smells like puke married poop and had the ceremony in my nose.

Manny Delgado:
You paint with words.

Phil Dunphy:
Yeah, I made a mistake today, but only because the three of you ganged up on me, like when the Wolfman, Dracula and Frankenstein showed up in the same movie, only this wasn't awesome!

Mitchell Pritchett:
All this time I've been trying to figure out what Cam wanted for his birthday, and he'd been telling me all along. He wanted to be ten.

Alex Dunphy:
I didn't want to ruin their moment by mentioning all the awards I've won, but I wouldn't have gotten out of bed for one that size.

Javier Delgado:
Golf? Pfft! That's for old men and women who like other women.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
When Manny was six, Javier took him to the petting zoo. I learned later that Petting Zoo was the name of the strip club. A real petting zoo would have been cleaner.

Claire Dunphy:
I'm sure you're fine.

Phil Dunphy:
That's very comforting coming from a marketing mayor at a party school.

Mitchell Pritchett:
My trophy is a professional award given to me by my peers, while your trophy was given to you on a pier.

Cameron Tucker:
This award has changed you, Mitchell. You may be flying high now, but soon you will be free falling, Tom Petty. Because you're petty. Tom Petty. You get it?

Mitchell Pritchett:
About three sentences ago.

Haley Dunphy:
Why do I even need to learn Spanish? I live in California. I'm never going to use it.

Mitchell Pritchett:
I am so glad I talked to Alex, because she agreed with everything single thing I was saying, and it made me realize that I... was acting like a 14-year-old girl.

Phil Dunphy:
Do you ever think about death, Walt?

Walt Kleezak:
I'm 85. Death is my roommate.

Phil Dunphy:
Honey, you're not unlikeable.

Claire Dunphy:
Thank you.

Phil Dunphy:
You just seem unlikeable.

Jay Pritchett:
Gloria, is Stella up there?

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
No, but I am. Why don't you say hello to your wife when you come home?

Jay Pritchett:
Why don't you greet me at the door wagging your tail?

Jay Pritchett:
Why would she jump in the pool if she doesn't know how to swim?

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
I don't know. Why does she bark at the vacuum? It's a thing, it isn't going to play with you.

Mitchell Pritchett:
I can't believe you're laughing!

Cameron Tucker:
I can't help it! You know I have two weaknesses, children swearing and old people rapping.

Claire Dunphy:
How did you get so smart?

Alex Dunphy:
I've always assumed adoption or baby switch.

Cameron Tucker:
What if she says it at the wedding? She's a ticking time bomb.

Mitchell Pritchett:
So we just don't go?

Cameron Tucker:
We'll just make an excuse. We could say "We're not going to any more weddings until gays can marry."

Mitchell Pritchett:
Oh, now we're political. We leave town on Gay Pride Weekend because we don't like the traffic.

Claire Dunphy:
All over You Tube. We went viral.

Phil Dunphy:
Some sick bastard auto-tuned me.

Phil Dunphy:
Some day I'll walk you down the aisle.

Haley Dunphy:
If you're not in perv jail.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Why are you swimming in your clothes?

Jay Pritchett:
Because I'm self-conscious about my body. Stella fell in the pool.

Manny Delgado:
It's my fault. I let her out, and then I got caught up in my couponing.

Jay Pritchett:
Any coupons for swim lessons? 'Cause Stella needs some.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Seriously. Manny you teach to swim by throwing him in the pool but the dog gets swimming lessons?

Manny Delgado:
I gotta say, it was unpleasant but effective.

Mitchell Pritchett:
[after Cameron laughs at Lily swearing] I have two children.

Duane Bailey:
I can assure you, doggie suicide is real. It's just not covered by the mainstream media because it's not as sexy as feline AIDS.

Phil Dunphy:
I am Phil Dunphy, and I am not a pervert. I, like a lot of men in this town, enjoy making love to my wife. I mean, uh... I mean with their wives. Not me, them! Look, I should probably just sit down and say nothing, but it's too late. I am standing, and I'm obviously talking, and now you're looking at me, and I feel the need to keep going.

Jay Pritchett:
[watching Claire trying to remain composed at the debate] It's like watching the Hindenburg.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
It's the most horrible thing I've ever seen in my life.

Phil Dunphy:
[standing up] Excuse me.

Jay Pritchett:
Stand by.

Claire Dunphy:
You know what the worst part of today was?

Alex Dunphy:
I imagine it's hard to choose.

Claire Dunphy:
When everything was melting down, I realized I had an answer to your question. Why I was running. I wanted to make my family proud, and I did the exact opposite.

Alex Dunphy:
No.

Claire Dunphy:
No, I did. I totally embarrassed you.

Alex Dunphy:
No. No, dad embarrassed me. I was proud of you. I think it's cool you're running for local office. I mean, it's totally nerdy, and that's kind of my thing.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Jay! Manny! We should have been there already.

Jay Pritchett:
Gloria, I'm tying my tie.

Manny Delgado:
I'm accessorizing!

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
And I thought *I* was the woman.

Jay Pritchett:
I am always on time. It's easy for me, 'cause I'm organized. Not my wife. You think growing up in a place full of death squads and drunk uncles she'd learn to run faster.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
[Runs in and sits down] Sorry! Sorry! I couldn't find my earring. So, what were we talking about?

Manny Delgado:
It says in the box that this is for ages sixteen and up. Are you sure I should have this?

Jay Pritchett:
What do you mean? You were born sixteen.

Haley Dunphy:
[about family camp] I can't go back there. I heard this summer they're having a hoedown.

Phil Dunphy:
Care to make this interesting?

Alex Dunphy:
I don't think that's possible.

Cameron Tucker:
You cheated on me.

Mitchell Pritchett:
How did I cheat on you?

Cameron Tucker:
You cheated on me with choreography, and that's the worst kind.

Mitchell Pritchett:
How is that the worst...

Cameron Tucker:
You danced without me, Mitchell!

Jay Pritchett:
You should have a system.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
I have a system. I put things down and then I remember where I put them.

Jay Pritchett:
And that's preferable to, say, putting the keys in the keyholder that just happens to look like a large key?

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Stop screaming!

Jay Pritchett:
[as Manny mixes two soda drinks together] What are you doing?

Manny Delgado:
Turning back the clock. [while Jay hides Gloria's car keys in her purse, Manny drinks mixed sodas and cringes] That's disgusting!

Jay Pritchett:
Don't judge. You're not married. This never happened.

Manny Delgado:
What never happened?

Jay Pritchett:
That's a good man.

Manny Delgado:
Boy! I'm a boy!

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Tell me the truth, Jay. Did you put the keys in my bag?

Jay Pritchett:
...No.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
I won't be mad.

Jay Pritchett:
In order to prove a point, I may have put the keys...

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
[Punches Jay repeatedly in the arm] I knew it!

Jay Pritchett:
Why did I give you such a big watch?

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Why, Jay? What point were you trying to make?

Jay Pritchett:
I just wanted you to be more organized. You can be a little scatterbrained sometimes.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
You are the one whose brains are going to be scattered! Manny, hand me the gun!

Manny Delgado:
How do I look?

Jay Pritchett:
Like Al Capone.

Manny Delgado:
Thanks.

Alex Dunphy:
Dad, you just missed a stop sign.

Phil Dunphy:
Then we'll stop twice on the way back.

Haley Dunphy:
Good, that'll give us time to find the hubcap we lost passing the temple parking lot.

Manny Delgado:
What did you mean I was born sixteen?

Jay Pritchett:
I'm just saying you were never a kid. Which is good, because I hate kids.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
How come I do all the looking while you do all the sitting?

Jay Pritchett:
Because you do all the losing.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
You are this close to doing all the sleeping in a tent on the backyard.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Manny's first girlfriend. A senior with a Mustang.

Jay Pritchett:
My money was on a sophomore with a moustache.

Alex Dunphy:
Ugh! What's that?

Luke Dunphy:
It's a body spray named Sex Grenade. One of the divorced men on the hotel recomended it.

Haley Dunphy:
That smell is driving me crazy!

Luke Dunphy:
Then it's working.

Alex Dunphy:
I'm sick of looking at that red hair in the bathroom. Look around, people! None of us has red hair!

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Look at the way she looks at him. The same way I look at him. It's beautiful.

Jay Pritchett:
And in this case, healthy.

Claire Dunphy:
Recently, Haley got a little creative on one of her college applications and listed herself as a Big Sister.

Haley Dunphy:
Technically, I am a big sister.

Phil Dunphy:
She capitalized the "B" and the "S".

Claire Dunphy:
Which makes sense, 'cause it was.

Phil Dunphy:
So Claire and I suggested that...

Haley Dunphy:
Forced.

Phil Dunphy:
...that she volunteer for the organization. We couldn't be prouder.

Claire Dunphy:
We could. A little bit.

Cameron Tucker:
Our house is being fumigated, so Jay and Gloria invited us to stay here. I'm going to spend 72 hours with this one.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
We are inseperable, like... Um...

Cameron Tucker:
Fred and Ginger?

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Who?

[beat]

Cameron Tucker:
Movie night!

[Cameron and Gloria squeal with delight]

Jay Pritchett:
It's been noisier than usual lately.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Lily, come here. Let me fix your hair.

Cameron Tucker:
Oh, that's nice.

Cameron Tucker:
[to camera] I had no idea her hair was broken.

Alex Dunphy:
What are you doing?

Haley Dunphy:
I'm helping my Little Sister with her homework.

Alex Dunphy:
That seems... mean.

Claire Dunphy:
What is wrong with you?

Phil Dunphy:
You're laughing like it's Who's On First.

Claire Dunphy:
What?

Phil Dunphy:
He's on second. Don't try to cheer me up.

Luke Dunphy:
How does he find the time to do those things?

Phil Dunphy:
He got divorced, so his whole life opened up. He's living the dream. [Claire glares at him] His dream. I'm living my dream. You're my dream.

Claire Dunphy:
Okay, stop.

Mitchell Pritchett:
No breakfast for me. I have to go to work early.

Jay Pritchett:
Oh, really? I didn't hear an ambulance drive by. [laughs]

Mitchell Pritchett:
It's funny because it's what I've dedicated my life to.

Phil Dunphy:
You can kiss my wife, you can take her to bed, but you cannot make her laugh. I wanna go back. You can kiss my wife, but only I can take her to bed and make her laugh. I wanna go back. Only I can take her to bed, comma, and make her laugh.

Haley Dunphy:
I'm sorry, were you trying to read?

Alex Dunphy:
You're the one who tries to read.

Luke Dunphy:
I am so sick of you two fighting all the time! You're a bad big sister, and you're a bad little sister! And you're both bad big sisters to me! Be normaler.

[goes back to his room]

Haley Dunphy:
Wow.

Alex Dunphy:
I've never seen him like that.

Haley Dunphy:
Well, we do kind of neglect him. And if you think about it, he is kind of our little sister.

Alex Dunphy:
Remember how we used to dress him up?

Haley Dunphy:
I miss her.

Haley Dunphy:
I hear you, and I don't like where this is going!

Haley Dunphy:
You get the lipstick, I'll get the bra and tennis balls.

Luke Dunphy:
[singsong] Betty Luke!

Luke Dunphy:
I will burn this house down!

Mitchell Pritchett:
Hey, dad, did you accidentally leave this hilarious book of lawyer jokes in the guest room?

Jay Pritchett:
I'll tell you if you can answer the following question: What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?

Mitchell Pritchett:
I don't know. What?

Jay Pritchett:
Well, one's a bottom-feeding mud dweller. The other's a fish.

Mitchell Pritchett:
Hey, dad?

Jay Pritchett:
Don't need to talk about it. I was out of line comin' down there. It won't happen again. Scotch is at the bar.

Mitchell Pritchett:
No, I've been giving this a lot of thought.

Jay Pritchett:
I guess we're gonna talk about it.

Mitchell Pritchett:
I was rude to you. I think I was just annoyed by all the lawyer jokes. I mean, let's be honest, you don't exactly beam with pride over what I do for a living.

Jay Pritchett:
Mockery is the sincerest form of flattery.

Mitchell Pritchett:
I'm pretty sure that's not the saying, but... um, you know, Manny told me a story about his friend Danielle. Whew, she sounds like a real piece of work, by the way. But, uh, it made me realize that I take myself a little too seriously.

Jay Pritchett:
Listen, it goes without saying I've always been proud of you, and I brag about you all the time. So if I say "What do lawyers use as birth control?" and the answer is "Their personalities", I want you to know I'm not referring to you. You don't need any birth control.

Manny Delgado:
Please, Luke. I need your help. You're sneakier than me, you're a better liar, you have no moral compass...

Luke Dunphy:
Look, those are nice compliments, but sneaking into one bar mitzvah? Where's the challenge in that?

Manny Delgado:
Oh, no. There are three bar mitzvahs.

Luke Dunphy:
Now things are getting interesting.

Phil Dunphy:
Phil Dunphy, this is the year 2025. You're the first one here.

Luke Dunphy:
So you missed one dance.

Manny Delgado:
It wasn't just a dance, it's the start of the whole dance season.

Luke Dunphy:
It's like you never hear boys talk.

Cameron Tucker:
If it were up to you, we'd be getting them something from their gift registry.

Mitchell Pritchett:
You mean the list of things they actually want?

Cameron Tucker:
They don't know what they want.

Mitchell Pritchett:
Hey, Dad. Uh, did you know that the accident was Gloria's fault?

Jay Pritchett:
Yes. I mean, I wasn't there, but she's a horrible driver. If she hit ten cars, I wouldn't be surprised.

Mitchell Pritchett:
If you knew that it was her fault, why did you get me involved?

Jay Pritchett:
Because someone has to tell her she's in the wrong, and better you than me.

Mitchell Pritchett:
That's great. Here I am thinking that my dad actually respects me as a lawyer, and really you're just throwing me to the wolves.

Jay Pritchett:
Can't it be both?

Mitchell Pritchett:
Okay. Dad, it... it doesn't bother you in the least that your gay son is the only one tough enough to stand up to your wife?

Jay Pritchett:
Go get 'em, Rocky. See you later.

Cameron Tucker:
[calling out before Jay hangs up] Your father and I had a moon landing in the locker room.

Jay Pritchett:
[hanging up the phone] What's the matter with you?

David:
You know, a lot of scientists are women.

Haley Dunphy:
But they're all fat, right?

Alex Dunphy:
Dumb guys go for dumb girls and smart guys go for dumb girls. What do smart girls get?

Phil Dunphy:
Cats, mostly.

Cameron Tucker:
Mom hasn't gotten here yet.

Mitchell Pritchett:
Is she driving her jalopie, or did she take one of them new flying machines?

Cameron Tucker:
Missouri is more cosmopolitan than you give it credit for. It's got a very vibrant cowboy poetry scene.

Mitchell Pritchett:
You're not making the point you think you're making.

Busboy:
[about Dylan and his "date", Phil] They were talking about going to Graceland together.

Haley Dunphy:
He only wants to go because he thinks it's an amusement park!

Haley Dunphy:
Don't play dumb with me!

Dylan:
I never play dumb!

Haley Dunphy:
[after breaking up with Dylan] I miss him.

Phil Dunphy:
Yeah. He was your first real boyfriend.

Haley Dunphy:
I keep expecting him to show up. He used to come by at night and I'd sneak out to see him.

Phil Dunphy:
Yeah, I know.

Haley Dunphy:
You knew?

Phil Dunphy:
His car's thirty years old and doesn't have a muffler. And he honked.

Cameron Tucker:
There's nothing gays hate more that being treated like women. Okay? We don't want to go to your baby shower, we don't have a time of the month, and we don't love pink.

Mitchell Pritchett:
You love pink.

Cameron Tucker:
No, pink loves me.

Luke Dunphy:
I say we eat what we kill.

Manny Delgado:
So I guess we'll be eating the mood.

Jay Pritchett:
What are those?

Phil Dunphy:
Onion goggles. No more tears. Welcome to the 21st Century. You should get a pair.

Jay Pritchett:
I was just about to suggest the same thing.

Luke Dunphy:
Did you know that more people die hiking than in the entire Civil War?

Alex Dunphy:
What book did you read that from again?

Luke Dunphy:
Book? It's called the internet, grandma.

Haley Dunphy:
[hiking with her family] I'm so bored, I'd rather be reading.

Alex Dunphy:
I'm so bored, I chewed the last bug that flew into my mouth just to feel something.

Haley Dunphy:
I'm so bored, I'm talking to you.

Claire Dunphy:
I don't want you to judge me, but I have to say something. Sometimes, I wanna punch my kids.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
You don't mean that.

Claire Dunphy:
No, I do. I do. The last time they were horrible the way they were today, they happened to be all lined up... and I couldn't help but think if I hit just one of 'em... the rest would go down like dominoes.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Geez.

Claire Dunphy:
I know. That would rob me of the pleasure of hitting each one individually, but...

Claire Dunphy:
How was your day with my dad?

Phil Dunphy:
Awkward, actually. He, um... he cried a little.

Claire Dunphy:
My dad?

Phil Dunphy:
Shh.

Mitchell Pritchett:
Dad what?

Claire Dunphy:
He cried.

Phil Dunphy:
No, I didn't say he cried.

Cameron Tucker:
Who cried?

Mitchell Pritchett:
My dad.

Phil Dunphy:
Stop!

Cameron Tucker:
Why would you make Jay sob like that?

Phil Dunphy:
I didn't make him sob. He... teared up when I found this poem he wrote for his mom as a boy.

Cameron Tucker, Claire Dunphy, Mitchell Pritchett:
Aw!

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
[entering] What is "aw"?

Mitchell Pritchett:
Phil saw Dad cry.

Cameron Tucker:
Jay misses his mama.

Phil Dunphy:
Everybody stop!

Jay Pritchett:
[entering] Is anybody hungry?

[seeing everybody looking at him weirdly]

Jay Pritchett:
What?

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
You cried for your mommy.

Jay Pritchett:
Oh, crap. I did not.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
It's Valentine's Day. I thought we were going salsa dancing, not to watch a comedian.

Jay Pritchett:
You're gonna love him. Trust me. The guy's hilarious.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Okay, tell me one of his jokes.

Jay Pritchett:
He doesn't do jokes.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Does he have a mallet?

Jay Pritchett:
No.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
So then how does he get hit in the head?

Jay Pritchett:
He doesn't hit in the head. He... he makes observations. He tells the truth in a funny way. Come on, he's been on Johnny Carson a hundred times.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Who the hell is Johnny Carson?

Jay Pritchett:
Oh, for God's sake.

[cut to interview]

Jay Pritchett:
Gloria and I are from different generations. And I won't lie: it isn't always easy. I mean, last week she thought Simon and Garfunkel were my lawyers.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
No, I didn't.

Jay Pritchett:
It was a joke.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
I don't get it.

Jay Pritchett:
Maybe that's because there's no mallet.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Yeah, I wish I had a mallet right now.

Cameron Tucker:
That's one thing I love about being gay. We can be friends with our exes. We don't get all catty like straight people do.

Mitchell Pritchett:
I'm still friends with Pepper.

Cameron Tucker:
We went out on one date! When are you going to let it go?

Mitchell Pritchett:
When you stop reacting like that.

Lily Tucker-Pritchett:
Daddy loves Pepper.

Cameron Tucker:
I taught her that.

Claire Dunphy:
The four times I disappointed him, it devastated me. First there was the time I cut off all my hair, when I went to college out of state, I crashed his vintage Jag into a wall. [pause]

Phil Dunphy:
That's three.

Claire Dunphy:
Kids, dinner!

Phil Dunphy:
Roller limbo! How low can you go?

Haley Dunphy:
I'm on a roller rink with my family on a Saturday night. I win.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
I'm going to look foolish.

Phil Dunphy:
Gloria, trust me, as long as I'm standing next to me, you won't look foolish.

Alex Dunphy:
Don't throw this in my face someday, but sometimes you can be really smart. Like smart smart.

Haley Dunphy:
Oh, my God. Thanks. And by the way, I'm totally throwing that in your face someday. Are you kidding?

Lily Tucker-Pritchett:
Who's going to take care of me?

Cameron Tucker:
Haley is.

Lily Tucker-Pritchett:
I'm serious.

Mitchell Pritchett:
Alex.

Lily Tucker-Pritchett:
Okay, let's go.

Cameron Tucker:
But your father wanted us together.

Mitchell Pritchett:
We're always together! How many times do we have to hear Claire tell us about Luke's comeback to the pediatrician?

Cameron Tucker:
We should start calling her Ranch House, because she doesn't have a second story.

Alex Dunphy:
You sure you don't want to play Hunger Games with us?

Haley Dunphy:
My whole life is a Hunger Game. Why do you think I'm so mean to you all the time?

Billy Dee Williams:
Hello. I'm Billy Dee Williams.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Hello. I'm Gloria the wife.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Oh, my God! A classic Rolls Royce Corniche! I used to love this car. In my village, if you didn't drive one of these, you couldn't consider yourself a drug lord.

Phil Dunphy:
Where are you going?

Claire Dunphy:
I'm going to pick up Luke from his sleepover. We need to talk to him about this now.

Phil Dunphy:
Claire, this is a very delicate situation. If we don't handle it right, Luke might end up having an unhealthy attitude about sex. Or agribusiness.

Mitchell Pritchett:
Hey Cam, does the gardener usually work on Saturdays?

Cameron Tucker:
I don't know, he comes when we need him - he's like Batman, but straight.

Claire Dunphy:
Okay, I checked the rest of the computers in the house - I didn't find any more porn.

Phil Dunphy:
That was hardly porn - it was a topless woman on a tractor. You know what they call that in Europe? A cereal commercial.

Alex Dunphy:
Why is Dad in Luke's room with the door closed?

Claire Dunphy:
They're having a little talk.

Alex Dunphy:
Is Luke being punished?

Claire Dunphy:
Is that your favorite thing? When your brother or sister gets into trouble.

Alex Dunphy:
My favorite thing is when they're *both* in trouble. So what'd he do? Did he cheat on a test? He's a cheater.

Claire Dunphy:
He did not cheat on a test.

Alex Dunphy:
Did he lie?

Claire Dunphy:
Alex.

Alex Dunphy:
He lies all the time.

Claire Dunphy:
Alex.

Alex Dunphy:
Sorry. I'm just worried about Luke... A lot of parents are hitting again.

Phil Dunphy:
You're probably just feeling a little tense from all of this. I know I am. You know what might help the situation? [pokes her arm playfully]

Claire Dunphy:
Really?... Right now?

Phil Dunphy:
[Face goes from humorous to serious] I meant going out for a few pizzas. Where's your mind? [Starts to leave the room] I guess I live in a house full of sex maniacs.

Jay Pritchett:
Where's Cam?

Mitchell Pritchett:
We got into a fight. Because of him, I have a house full of Latinos

Jay Pritchett:
Welcome to my world. So, trouble in gay paradise, huh?

Mitchell Pritchett:
Well, he just can't say no to anybody who needs help and why do you have to always add the word 'gay' where it doesn't belong?

Phil Dunphy:
I just want to say I'm sorry. I never meant to blame you for that whole picture thing. Your mom sort of thought it was yours and I should have stopped it, but I didn't.

Luke Dunphy:
So what was the picture of?

Phil Dunphy:
Well, it was a woman on a tractor, and she had her shirt off.

Luke Dunphy:
Was it hot?

Phil Dunphy:
Okay, we're being honest here. Umm... this particular woman - well, my tastes do run to the curvy, and the cowboy had did not hurt one bit. Couple that with the cut-off jeans - and you were asking about the weather, weren't you?

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
I am not a hot-head, I am Colombian. We get excited. Our country is covered in coffee.

Manny Delgado:
Just like the Starbucks girl when she got your order wrong.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Low-fat, decaf soy latte. How hard is that to hear?

Cameron Tucker:
Why is she so obsessed with princesses?

Mitchell Pritchett:
Oh, like we weren't at that age?

Mitchell Pritchett:
I hear that you keep flashing our guests.

Cameron Tucker:
Not in an inappropiate way. I just want people to see my body under this stupid costume.

Mitchell Pritchett:
That's very close to what an actual flasher would say.

Luke Dunphy:
Why are there giant lollipops all over our front yard, and why do they taste so bad?

Alex Dunphy:
Because they're made of cardboard, mouthbreather.

Phil Dunphy:
Hey! The world needs dreamers, Luke. Never stop licking things.

Phil Dunphy:
I got to be the top realtor of the year by thinking inside the box. That's right, I said inside. Because while everyone is chaising each other outside, what is the box?

[points at head]

Phil Dunphy:
Empty.

Jay Pritchett:
You don't need that siren. You can stop traffic just by getting out of the squad car.

Police Officer:
License and registration, please.

Jay Pritchett:
I'm no stranger to Police Academy. I've seen all seven.

Police Officer:
Sir, no one's seen all seven.

Skeleton:
Trick or treat. Give us candy.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
You're not even wearing costumes.

Skeleton:
[Has a skeleton shirt] I'm a skeleton.

Lemon:
[Has a yellow skirt] And I'm a lemon.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Aren't you a little old to be trick-or-treating?

Lemon:
Aren't you a little old to be pregnant?

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Oh, that's a funny joke. Here's a joke. Knock-knock. What's gone? Your candy. [Takes their bag of candy]

Phil Dunphy:
I am the king of banana bread. You know what my secret is? No nuts.

Jay Pritchett:
That's no secret.

Andy:
Some day, when you're older, you'll know what makes a real man.

Phil Dunphy:
Who asked for make-up?

Andy:
I did.

Luke Dunphy:
What's this thing?

Jay Pritchett:
It's called a vise.

Luke Dunphy:
[singing] Eidelvise...

Jay Pritchett:
No! I already went through that with Mitchell. This is what we're trying to prevent.

Phil Dunphy:
Why am I so intent on helping Andy? Because I love filmmaking, and I love love. I guess you could say I enjoy making love on film, and now I don't have to do it by myself.

Haley Dunphy:
You know what? I'd rather go on a date with someone who would go through a blizzard for me and only honks for the troops.

Scott:
I don't understand you.

Haley Dunphy:
Neither do I!

Cameron Tucker:
[after Tracy leaves abruptly] Thumpity-thump-thump, look at Frosty go.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Jay, you can't treat people this way.

Jay Pritchett:
Oh, and your way is better, pretending to like people even though you hate them?

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
I'm doing it right now.

Cameron Tucker:
I want to know all about Mitchell in high school. Did he have a beard then?

Tracy:
You're looking at her. Although I didn't know it at the time.

Phil Dunphy:
Why do I have to watch a French movie? I didn't do anything wrong.

Phil Dunphy:
While Claire watched one of the most aclaimed movies of the year, I sat through a badly-made schlockfest with absolutely no redeeming value. And it was awesome.

Haley Dunphy:
I see the look on his face every day. He acts as if he doesn't want me around!

Phil Dunphy:
[returning in the other elevator and not seeing Haley] Give me the ticket. I'm going after her. This little 'chicken' game may work for your dad but it doesn't work for me! That's my little girl! I need her to know that no guy on Earth is good enough for her, much less a slimy middle-aged jeans salesman!

Jay Pritchett:
Gloria's about to take her citizenship test. This little jumping bean is about to become an American.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Jumping beans are Mexican.

Jay Pritchett:
Once you're an American you won't see the difference.

Haley Dunphy:
Mom, don't do it! She'll be in the same class as I am! Why are you even taking second year math?

Alex Dunphy:
You're a senior. Why are you still in second year math?

Haley Dunphy:
Not still, again.

Claire Dunphy:
Are those jazz dancing shoes?

Phil Dunphy:
Tightrope walking shoes. Got them on sale, only used once.

Claire Dunphy:
That's not a ringing endorsement.

Phil Dunphy:
Everyone throws up at school once in a while. If I had a nickel for every time I threw up in class, you know how much money I would have?

Luke Dunphy:
Thirty-five cents.

Phil Dunphy:
That's right.

Luke Dunphy:
You can do it, dad! You're making the impossible unimpossible!

Phil Dunphy:
What was on my mind as I was walking that wire? I was thinking, if I can do this... then I have two ways to cross the yard.

Haley Dunphy:
Hey, what'd you get for number three?

Alex Dunphy:
You're not going to learn if I just give you answers.

Haley Dunphy:
Well, what if I gave you something in return?

Alex Dunphy:
Like what?

Haley Dunphy:
You can talk to me in class.

[Alex scoffs]

Alex Dunphy:
I want lunch at the cool table.

Haley Dunphy:
Then I want all the answers.

Alex Dunphy:
Then I want a week at the table.

Haley Dunphy:
That'll cost you two pop quizzes.

Alex Dunphy:
A month.

Haley Dunphy:
The midterm.

Alex Dunphy:
Deal.

Haley Dunphy:
[griping to Claire about being in the same class with Alex] Her hand's in the air, like, every five seconds, and she actually reminded Mr. Waters to assign homework. The class loved that. Do you know how embarrassed I was?

Alex Dunphy:
Not as embarrassed as I was when she said eight was a prime number.

Haley Dunphy:
Everything I touch turns to detention.

Claire Dunphy:
Honey, do you have anything to say to your daughter about her skirt?

Phil Dunphy:
Sorry. Oh yeah, that looks really cute sweetheart.

Claire Dunphy:
No, it's way too short. People know you're a girl you don't need to prove it to them.

Mitchell Pritchett:
We took Lily on her first train ride. Just a quick trip to Chinatown.

Cameron Tucker:
I was worried she would think we were taking her back to Vietnam, but she seemed okay.

Mitchell Pritchett:
Yeah, yeah. Possibly because she was an infant when she left Vietnam. Also, Vietnam's not China.

Cameron Tucker:
Well, I had a lollipop with me, just in case.

[cut to Cameron, Mitchell, and Lily getting off the train]

Cameron Tucker:
I love that we're doing this. It's important for her to explore the city she lives in.

Mitchell Pritchett:
So much diversity. Keep your wallet in your front pocket.

Lily Tucker-Pritchett:
My shoe's untied.

Cameron Tucker:
Oh, sweetie, it is. Here, have a seat. Right here, there you go. Hey, hold Bunny.

[Cameron tosses Bunny to Mitchell; it sails past him and lands in the train]

Mitchell Pritchett:
[the train doors close] No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! No!

Lily Tucker-Pritchett:
Bunny!

Cameron Tucker:
How did you miss that, Mitchell?

Mitchell Pritchett:
Mr. Conductor! I-I... what? I was Purelling! And it's me; why would you toss it?

Cameron Tucker:
Because my hands were full?

Lily Tucker-Pritchett:
I want Bunny.

Cameron Tucker:
I know. Okay, I have an idea. Let's catch the next train and ride it 'till it catches up.

Mitchell Pritchett:
They don't catch up. It's called a collision.

Cameron Tucker:
Okay, well do you have a better idea? You're the one that lost it.

Mitchell Pritchett:
No, you tossed it. He tossed it lost it.

Cameron Tucker:
Don't try to clever your way out of this.

Lily Tucker-Pritchett:
Daddy lost Bunny.

Cameron Tucker, Mitchell Pritchett:
She means you.

Andre:
She wore you down, didn't she?

Phil Dunphy:
This is not about Claire. I really want to sell you the car.

Andre:
It's sad. She got you to believe that.

Phil Dunphy:
No, I... turns out I'm just not a convertible guy.

Andre:
Well, your loss is my gain. It's a sweet ride, Phil.

Phil Dunphy:
Right?

Andre:
It really is. Ugh. Uh-oh.

Phil Dunphy:
What?

Andre:
I'm getting, like, a whiff of mildew.

Phil Dunphy:
I don't smell anything.

Andre:
Yep, that's mildew.

Phil Dunphy:
What?

Andre:
This car has been in a flood. It's a Katrina car. I'm offended that you tried to sell me a Katrina car, Phil.

Phil Dunphy:
Your wife won't let you have a convertible, will she?

Andre:
We will never know, 'cause I'm afraid to ask.

Cameron Tucker:
[holding up two pairs of clown shoes] Okay, gun to your head, which pair should I bring?

Mitchell Pritchett:
Gun to my head? I'd say pull the trigger.

Mitchell Pritchett:
[about Claire's old boyfriend Robbie] You know, I never like that guy. He'd always put me in a headlock. It's unbelievable the freaks we used to date.

Cameron Tucker:
[comes in wearing a jester costume] Ello, Guv'nor!

Phil Dunphy:
I told Claire that whenever her mother made her feel uncomfortable, she could squeeze my hand. The doctor had to cut my wedding ring off.

Robbie Sullivan:
I have to go, I have to pick up a big celebrity. I can't tell you who it is, but all I can tell you is, if I'm late, I'm in jeopardy.

Alex Dunphy:
[excited] Who is Alex Trebek?

Robbie Sullivan:
He's a game show host. Why?

Alex Dunphy:
No reason.

DeDe Pritchett:
I think, more than anything, my real problem... is her!

[attacks Gloria]

Phil Dunphy:
You know when Nana DeDe comes to visit, your mom can get a little...

Haley Dunphy:
Psycho?

Luke Dunphy:
Angry?

Alex Dunphy:
Drunk?

Phil Dunphy:
All true.

Haley Dunphy:
Gross, dad! Your hand smells like cheese.

Phil Dunphy:
I didn't want to waste a knife.

DeDe Pritchett:
I don't know about you, but that's not the way I was raised.

Claire Dunphy:
You raised me.

Cameron Tucker:
I just think waiting for a prince to make your dreams come true sends the wrong message.

Mitchell Pritchett:
And a grown man taking boxers out of his mouth doesn't?

Mitchell Pritchett:
We need something to pick this party up.

Cameron Tucker:
Got it. I'll go bring out the cupcakes and turn up the bubble machine.

Mitchell Pritchett:
Or...

Cameron Tucker:
Is that a roundabout way of saying that a certain clown is invited to the party?

Mitchell Pritchett:
You were right. Every child wants a clown for a dad.

Cameron Tucker:
[Chirpy] You've made a little girl very happy!

Mitchell Pritchett:
Yes, I can see that.

[Jay, Gloria, and Manny are recording an audiobook for Lily]

Jay Pritchett:
[after Gloria reads in a growling voice] What kind of voice is that?

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
I am a bear.

Jay Pritchett:
A bear? I was gonna get a crucifix.

Claire Dunphy:
So, where is she? Where's Mom?

Jay Pritchett:
Yeah, let's get the weirdness over with.

Mitchell Pritchett:
Well, I thought she was coming with you.

Claire Dunphy:
Oh, no, no. I haven't seen Mom since, let's see... oh, she made out with my ex-boyfriend last night.

Jay Pritchett:
What?

Claire Dunphy:
Yeah.

Mitchell Pritchett:
No, my God!

Claire Dunphy:
Yeah, yeah. And then she took off with him, didn't come back to the house until after I was asleep. And then this morning, left a cute little note that said "Having breakfast with Robbie."

Jay Pritchett:
What the hell is she doing? He's half her age.

[Mitchell and Claire give Jay, who is standing with Gloria, weird looks]

Jay Pritchett:
Don't say it.

[Claire and her mother are arguing at Lily's birthday party]

Mitchell Pritchett:
Claire, Claire, Claire! Not now, not now, not now! No, stop, please.

Claire Dunphy:
She accused me of trying to steal my old boyfriend from her.

Mitchell Pritchett:
Okay, fine. But make it quick.

Cameron Tucker:
There are dreamers and there are realists in this world. You'd think the dreamers would find the dreamers and the realists would find the realists, but more often than not the opposite is true. You see, the dreamers need the realists to keep them from soaring too close to the sun. And the realists, well without the dreamers, they might not ever get off the ground.

Haley Dunphy:
Saying nothing is not lying, okay? It's just letting the truth speak for itself.

Alex Dunphy:
This is not the time for moral equivocation.

Haley Dunphy:
Okay, I don't know what that means, and also, don't tell me.

Alex Dunphy:
You're the one who's going to lose her driving privileges. I don't know why you're so calm.

Haley Dunphy:
All we have to do is keep it from mom until she goes to the store. Then, when she sees it, she'll assume that it happened there, which it did. So it's not really lying.

Alex Dunphy:
Listen to you! Are you gonna be a career criminal?

Haley Dunphy:
[scoffs] Oh, you sound like mom. I don't know what I'm gonna do after high school!

Mitchell Pritchett:
It was a supportive "wah-wah".

Cameron Tucker:
There is no supportive "wah-wah". A "wah-wah" by its very nature is spiteful and undercutting.

Claire Dunphy:
Honey, I love you, but...

Phil Dunphy:
Honey, I love your "I love you", but I'm getting a little tired of your but. Yes, I heard it.

Alex Dunphy:
Mom, I need to tell you something.

Claire Dunphy:
What is it, honey?

Alex Dunphy:
I distracted Haley while she was driving and we dented your car.

[Cameron fires a pumpkin from his slingshot; it sails across the football field and hits the dent in Claire's car]

Claire Dunphy:
Well, girls, three more seconds and you would have gotten away with it.

Claire Dunphy:
Phil, why didn't you just put the extra leaves in the table?

Phil Dunphy:
Trying to have some fun. Be creative.

Claire Dunphy:
One long table, honey. If it was good enough for the Last Supper, it's good enough for us.

[Cameron wants to go to the football field to prove his "punkin chunkin" story is true]

Claire Dunphy:
I did not just cook for eight hours so you people could run off to prove some asinine point that's only gonna make half of us feel bad.

Phil Dunphy:
Hey friend. You look like you had a rough day at the office.

Luke Dunphy:
The stress from my job at the Robot Assassin Factory is too much to take. Aw, shoot me an aspirin, pal.

Phil Dunphy:
Maybe someday. But until then, try this on for size. The real HeadScratcher features 32 patent pending nogginizers that gently massage your scalp. In a soothing purr of motorized delight.

Luke Dunphy:
Wow. It feels great, and it looks good too. It's a real life saver.

Phil Dunphy:
You mean, a real Head Scratcher?

Phil Dunphy, Luke Dunphy:
Hahahahahahhaha.

Phil Dunphy:
TM.

Gavin Sinclair:
Nikki! Thank God you're here. Peel this orange for me. [Later, Nikki brings Gavin the peeled orange] What is that? I wanted the peel.

Gavin Sinclair:
There are five things wrong with Nikki's outfit. What are they?

Haley Dunphy:
Uh... she's standing right there.

Nikki:
I'm dressed better than *she* is.

Haley Dunphy:
[raises an eyebrow] The tank gives you a uni-boob, the watch is too big, the harem pants, the wedge boots, and come on, that belt? The 90's were over three years ago.

[turns back to Sinclair]

Haley Dunphy:
And that's five. Now should I do you?

Jay Pritchett:
Look at the interesting thing I found in the attic.

Manny Delgado:
Is it behind the boat?

Jay Pritchett:
This is the pride of the American Navy, the USS Constitution. On service for 84 years and it was never boarded.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
It's been already a minute and it's bored me already.

Manny Delgado:
I don't think Spanish is for me. It doesn't feel natural in my ear.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
What could be more natural than your mother's native tongue in your ear?

Jay Pritchett:
What we need here is an English tutor.

Mitchell Pritchett:
Unless Tom Brady is staying over, I'm not cooking pancakes for football players. He is a football player, right?

Jay Pritchett:
[Watching Gloria and Diego talking in Spanish] What are they saying?

Manny Delgado:
If I knew, he wouldn't be here.

Jay Pritchett:
[dropping off Stella] Okay guys listen up: She gets three walks a day. Keep her off the bed, we're training her. No chicken bones. If she starts to wheeze...

Mitchell Pritchett:
Wow remember when you dropped me off at summer camp? You barely slowed down the car.

Manny Delgado:
For whatever it's worth my eyes have stopped itching, I can taste my food, and I have a lot more energy.

Jay Pritchett:
You took a three hour nap yesterday!

Manny Delgado:
I was tired from the marathon.

Jay Pritchett:
The Downton Abbey marathon?

Mitchell Pritchett:
I was going to mail the invitations, so I put then on the back of the van, but I put my gym bag on top. I feel terrible. I haven't been to the gym in six weeks. And I ruined Cam's event.

Jay Pritchett:
You know, when you get a massage you sound like a Tijuana prostitute.

Manny Delgado:
[after unplugging the karaoke machine on Jay] You keep this up, and this won't be the last plug I pull.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
You didn't do one thing wrong, you did everything wrong! I wonder how she still talks to you.

Phil Dunphy:
She said she was okay.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
A woman is never okay with this. We wait, and when you least expect it, we make you pay.

Luke Dunphy:
Are you going to eat all the appetizers again?

Cameron Tucker:
It's amazing what you notice, and what you don't notice. [Gestures at Luke's open fly]

Alex Dunphy:
What are the specials today?

Haley Dunphy:
We are all out of specials.

Alex Dunphy:
What where they?

Haley Dunphy:
Popular, which you wouldn't understand.

Cameron Tucker:
What are we going to do?

Luke Dunphy:
Let's start a fire.

Cameron Tucker:
No. But keep that in your back pocket.

[Mitch & Cam are setting up a playdate with lesbian moms Pam & Susan]

Cameron Tucker:
We'll host, obviously.

Pam:
Obviously?

Cameron Tucker:
Well, I assume you have an unfinished woodworking project at your house.

Pam:
You've got a lotta nerve!

Susan:
And you've got half a canoe in our living room.

Pam:
[grudgingly] I look forward to your frittata.

Cameron Tucker:
Why, are you visiting us in 2008?

Phil Dunphy:
When life gives you lemonade, make lemons. Life will be all like, "Whaaaat?"

Phil Dunphy:
"Sorry guys, I can't be in Vegas because my wife's having a breakdown." Believe me, you don't want to make that call to a bunch of former male cheerleaders. They will mock you with a hurtful rhythmic chant.

Haley Dunphy:
No one will ever talk to you again.

Alex Dunphy:
So what? Mahatma Gandhi went on a hunger strike for what he believed in.

Haley Dunphy:
That's 'cause no one would eat with him in the cafeteria!

Haley Dunphy:
To do a speech, you just choose a song title and speak it, like "Don't stop believing" or "Get this party started."

Alex Dunphy:
That makes no sense.

Haley Dunphy:
Of course not. No one wants to think at graduation! It's graduation, the time when we celebrate being done with thinking.

Manny Delgado:
Alex, do you realize that in two years we'll be graduating?

Luke Dunphy:
Quiet, Manny. I think I'm moving the ball with my mind.

Manny Delgado:
Well, I'll be graduating.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
[about the tandem bike] Jay bought it for me. We used to ride it all the time, but I kept hitting my b*obs with my knees.

Jay Pritchett:
Champagne problems, am I right?

Cameron Tucker:
[about Jay having Botox] What were you thinking? You're a veteran!

Jay Pritchett:
She says I'm fine. Let's go.

Manny Delgado:
How does she know? She's not a doctor.

Jay Pritchett:
Neither are you.

Manny Delgado:
Not technically.

Phil Dunphy:
[Mimes playing a one-armed bandit] Chu-chung! Hysterical wife, hysterical wife, hysterical wife. Jackpot.

Haley Dunphy:
You know what? Give your stupid little speech. Be an outcast. But you're only doing it to yourself. Because you're smart, pretty, and sorta funny in a way that I don't really get but other people seem to enjoy. You can either start fresh next year, or be the freak that flipped off her class.

Alex Dunphy:
You really think I'm pretty?

Haley Dunphy:
Shut up!

Luke Dunphy:
I think I have an idea.

Phil Dunphy:
We don't have time to build a rocket, buddy.

Luke Dunphy:
Never mind.

Haley Dunphy:
If you do this, you'll be a social piranha.

Alex Dunphy:
Yes, I'll be an Amazonian carnivorous fish.

Haley Dunphy:
What?

Cameron Tucker:
I can't believe little Alex is going to high school. I feel so old.

Mitchell Pritchett:
How do you think that makes me feel? I was in the delivery room. I tell you, if I wasn't gay then...

Cameron Tucker:
Oh, please. You wouldn't have lasted one day in the farm. I witnessed all kinds of birthings. I've seen cows, sheep, even a three-legged... [Cameron trips and falls in the wading pool; Mitchell laughs] Really, Mitchell? I could have died!

Haley Dunphy:
You think you have everyone figured out, don't you? Everyone has stuff that they're working through.

Alex Dunphy:
What kind of stuff do you have? Too many boys chasing after you? Too many parties?

Haley Dunphy:
I'm flunking biology, and now I have to take summer school. And all my friends are talking about going to college, while I don't think I'll even be able to go to college! Is that enough stuff for you?

Jay Pritchett:
Why does everybody always assume I'm having a stroke?

Claire Dunphy:
Age.

Manny Delgado:
Diet.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
You forgot to bring my bread.

Jay Pritchett:
The reason my face looks like this is because I had...

[whispering]

Jay Pritchett:
Botox.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Like the ladies use for their wrinkles?

Jay Pritchett:
Well, actually, nearly ten percent of their sales are men, but that's not important.

Jay Pritchett:
We think that Griffin might be hanging out with you because he's got a little crush on your mother and me.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
On you?

Manny Delgado:
Wow. I can't believe it.

Jay Pritchett:
Listen, it's fine. You're gonna be fine.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
I'm sorry.

Manny Delgado:
Are you kidding? It's fantastic!

Jay Pritchett:
How is it fantastic?

Manny Delgado:
I'm only hanging out with him because I have the hots for his sister Chloe. You've met Griffin; the kid's a doorknob.

Phil Dunphy:
[a rival realtor has stolen his account] You're not gonna believe this. Mitzi got the listing.

Claire Dunphy:
Oh, no, honey. That's awful!

Phil Dunphy:
She cheated, she lied, and she won. Kids, gather round.

Haley Dunphy:
Again, we are gathered.

Phil Dunphy:
You want to get ahead? Don't play by the rules. Turns out nice guys finish last in this cold dog-eat-dog world.

Luke Dunphy:
It's not fair. Why don't you play dirty, too? You could take her down.

Claire Dunphy:
Oh, honey, 'cause your dad is a better man than that. He has values and morals and...

Phil Dunphy:
Shh... You, keep talking.

Luke Dunphy:
Well, just off the top of my head, you could take my spy pen an record her admitting what she did. And then you could play it for those people so they'd realize what a jerk she is.

Claire Dunphy:
Your dad is never gonna do that.

Phil Dunphy:
You're a regular chatterbox today. Get me that pen!

Cameron Tucker:
Mitchell, there's a stranger in our hot tub.

Mitchell Pritchett:
Who is it?

Cameron Tucker:
You do know what stranger means, don't you?

Mitchell Pritchett:
Oh my God! What is he doing here?

Cameron Tucker:
You saw him two seconds after I did. I know just as much as you do.

Jay Pritchett:
Don't you know how to ride a bike?

Manny Delgado:
I know how to ride this bike.

Jay Pritchett:
Stephen Hawking could ride that bike.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
There is no way that thing should stay upright.

Jay Pritchett:
There's no way you should stay upright, but it works.

Phil Dunphy:
So Laura's trying to test me? Bring it on. I've been tested my entire life. They could never find anything.

Jay Pritchett:
[to Gloria, who is worried about learning to ride a bike] I won't let you get hurt. You're a work of art. If you get scratched it decreases the market value. I'm kidding to lighten the mood.

Cameron Tucker:
You're living in our daughter's princess castle?

Barry:
No, don't be ridiculous. [Points at heart] I'm living in here. [Points at castle] I'm sleeping in there.

Luke Dunphy:
There's your trouble. All those negative feelings are holding you back. And what do we do with bad feelings? [Pulls out water gun] We shoot them out.

Claire Dunphy:
What is the one thing a speeder can't outrun?

Luke Dunphy:
Bullets! A laser! Ooh, I know, a falcon! Dad, jump in.

Phil Dunphy:
Not a good time, buddy.

Luke Dunphy:
A laser falcon!

Phil Dunphy:
That's awesome.

Claire Dunphy:
I've got it. What is the one thing a speeder can't outrun?

Luke Dunphy:
Bullets! A laser! Ooh, I know, a falcon! Dad, jump in.

Phil Dunphy:
Not a good time, buddy.

Luke Dunphy:
A laser falcon!

Phil Dunphy:
That's awesome.

Phil Dunphy:
I'm sorry, is it a vasecto-you or a vasecto-me?

Luke Dunphy:
Dad is getting an assectomy. I hear things.

Haley Dunphy:
You're getting your tonsils out?

Alex Dunphy:
Oh, my God! This family needs a dumbassectomy.

Cameron Tucker:
Does this look like the work of someone who's unfulfilled?

Mitchell Pritchett:
It's a mermaid costume.

Cameron Tucker:
Hand-stitched from my own design. Do you know how hard it is to sew lycra? It's like sewing water.

Mitchell Pritchett:
Seems a little small for Lily.

Cameron Tucker:
It's not for Lily, it's for the cat. [Starts crying] My master project is a mermaid costume for a cat!

Haley Dunphy:
[to Alex] Are you going Goth? You can't go Goth. You still have a stuffed panda.

Jay Pritchett:
I'm 65. If Gloria wants to be surprised, she should buy a box of Cracker Jacks.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Stupid dry cleaners shrank my clothes again!

Jay Pritchett:
Maybe it's time you bought maternity ware.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
I don't need maternity ware! I'm barely showing!

Jay Pritchett:
Your clothes barely fit before you were pregnant.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
I didn't hear you complaining.

Jay Pritchett:
[Picking up Phil for his vasectomy] Let's go! Chop chop!

Phil Dunphy:
Really?

Jay Pritchett:
Oh, yeah. [Chuckles]

Jay Pritchett:
Just get in the car.

Phil Dunphy:
And what, get spayed like a common schnauzer?

Jay Pritchett:
You get fixed, you're a man.

Phil Dunphy:
I just want to remain one!

Jay Pritchett:
I've always seen life like a series of doors. Sometimes you get to choose the door you go through, and sometimes you don't get that choice. But you still have to walk through it. So either you can go through kicking and screaming, or walk through with your head held high. And since I don't get to choose the door I'm about to go through, I just pray it's a healthy, happy kid. And a boy.

Cameron Tucker:
We've been dropping by unannounced to quietly assess all the candidates.

Mitchell Pritchett:
Well, not all the candidates. We can't just drop by Missourah.

Cameron Tucker:
That's Missouri. No one from Missouri says Missourah.

Mitchell Pritchett:
I'm so sorrah.

Mitchell Pritchett:
I'm sorry, did we come by at a bad time?

Claire Dunphy:
Try coming back seven years and five months from now when they're all gone!

Cameron Tucker:
I just don't think Jay is the best one to raise Lily.

Mitchell Pritchett:
You know, Cam, he raised me.

Cameron Tucker:
Oh, now you've put me in an awkward position.

Cameron Tucker:
Wait, I think I hear Future Lily sending us a message from her stripper pole. "Thanks, gay dead dads. This dance is for you."

Alex Dunphy:
Where are we?

Haley Dunphy:
The boys' locker room.

Alex Dunphy:
It smells like feet.

Haley Dunphy:
That's not feet.

Phil Dunphy:
Here he is, the emperor of escrow, the man who put the 'tude in Tudor, let's give it up for Phil Dunphy! Thanks for the great introduction, me.

Se?or Kaplan:
Quite a shindig you got here. There's some things I wouldn't have done, but they seem to be working out for you.

Cameron Tucker:
Thanks. I just studied all the tapes of your past parties and riffed off your one idea.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
[about Joe] He's walking! The candles that I lit worked!

Jay Pritchett:
Look at him. He's like a sherpa crossed with a mountain goat.

Cameron Tucker:
Stop. It's Cammer time.

Haley Dunphy:
Do you want to get out of that dress?

Phil Dunphy:
Not unless you want to see me in a New Year's baby diaper. That was the big finish for the music number.

Phil Dunphy:
We're gonna have this boy over for dinner, and I'll serve a big heaping plate of I-told-you-so.

Haley Dunphy:
And then we'll serve unicorn burgers and magic beans and I'll bring my boyfriend Bigfoot.

Claire Dunphy:
Still better than Dylan.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
This is what I'm wearing to the dog party.

Jay Pritchett:
Well, be careful. Most of these people are single.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Why am I not surprised?

Lily Tucker-Pritchett:
[meaning the cat sleeping on the new couch] So Larry gets to use the couch but I don't?

Cameron Tucker:
Well, Larry is white.

Lily Tucker-Pritchett:
But you chose me.

Jay Pritchett:
Look, I know you're not a dog person.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
I don't mind dogs. I'm just not a dog person person.

Cameron Tucker:
I don't know how straight people do this.

Mitchell Pritchett:
Probably without those hand gestures.

Phil Dunphy:
Tonight I'm giving the keynote address at the SCARB.

Claire Dunphy:
The South California Annual Realtors Banquet.

Phil Dunphy:
I think they know what it is.

Claire Dunphy:
Phil is going to bomb. It's not that I don't think he's fun, he is. He's just not fun-ny. It's my fault, really. I always laugh at all his jokes. But only with my mouth. Never with my eyes.

Haley Dunphy:
The world is divided into two groups: cool girls and girls like you. And you have been given a rare opportunity to move from the former to the latter.

Alex Dunphy:
The latter to the former.

Haley Dunphy:
Whatever. Oh, my God, you're such a geek! Now, do you want to be smart, or do you want to popular?

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
You don't know anyone at this party.

Jay Pritchett:
Sure I do. Watch this. Hey, Carlos! [Man turns around]

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Lucky guess.

Jay Pritchett:
[On camera] Lucky he was the only one who turned around.

Claire Dunphy:
Sometimes I feel like my job is to make sure you guys don't fall on your faces.

Phil Dunphy:
That's a hard job at the Dunphy house.

Claire Dunphy:
I know.

Phil Dunphy:
But maybe your job is to pick us back up when we fall. You're good at that.

Cameron Tucker:
Stop talking. I just need some time for this wound to become a scar.

Mitchell Pritchett:
I'm sorry I got Claire involved, but - and this is not a criticism - but sometimes you can be a little sensitive about your appearance.

Cameron Tucker:
Well, this *is* a criticism. Sometimes, you can be insensitive about everything.

Mitchell Pritchett:
Oh, my... I just... Cam, I just feel like our relationship's strong enough to survive a little candor. I mean... look, you could tell me if there's something about me you'd like to change.

Cameron Tucker:
[without missing a beat] I hate your beard.

Mitchell Pritchett:
Wow. Well, you had that bullet in the chamber.

Jay Pritchett:
I told you to pack one bag.

Manny Delgado:
I need variety, Jay.

Jay Pritchett:
Colombia isn't one of your more formal countries. The guy in their money is sitting on a lounge chair.

Cameron Tucker:
As of today, it is legal for a man to marry another man.

Lily Tucker-Pritchett:
[as Joe spits up] Eew, he threw up!

Jay Pritchett:
He just needs time to get used to the idea, honey.

Phil Dunphy:
Sometimes I don't know if I love how much I fear her, or if I fear how much I love her.

Lily Tucker-Pritchett:
[after seeing Manny off] What if he doesn't come back?

Jay Pritchett:
Oh, honey, no one leaves home and doesn't come back.

Lily Tucker-Pritchett:
I did.

Jay Pritchett:
[after learning that both Mitchell and Cameron have conflicting plans to propose to each other] This is what happens when they let men marry men. [Joe throws up] That cannot be a coincidence!

Phil Dunphy:
How about this? Mitchell, I love you. I can't tell you enough how much I respect you...

Claire Dunphy:
Are you firing him or proposing to him?

Luke Dunphy:
I'm getting a medal for putting out a fire. Maybe that's what I should be. A professional medal getter.

Jay Pritchett:
Take a good look at the menu. What do you see?

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Soup.

Jay Pritchett:
But have you looked under the soup? Sandwiches.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Have you seen what's under this shirt? This did not come from sandwiches.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
[about Jay's sandwich] It tastes bad in my mouth. It's like a fish and a turkey beat themselves to death with a pepper.

Phil Dunphy:
[about Maxine the waitress] Second best hugger in the world, after Mister Burt Reynolds. Story to follow.

Mitchell Pritchett:
That's hogwash.

Cameron Tucker:
As someone who has seen actual hogwash, I can assure you that it's not.

Maxine:
Just you? I thought the whole family was swinging by.

Jay Pritchett:
Who knows what they're doin'. Right now they are all sniping at each other.

Maxine:
Ah, who needs them?

Jay Pritchett:
Right. As long as I have you, Maxine...

Maxine:
I'm off in five.

Maxine:
Hey, Luke! What's with all the hardware?

Claire Dunphy:
Well, he set fire to a school and lied about it.

Jay Pritchett:
You know, they give medals for anything these days.

Jay Pritchett:
Manny thinks his dad is like Superman. The truth, he's a total flake. In fact, the only way he's like Superman is that they both landed in this country illegally.

Phil Dunphy:
The last thing we need is some huge feud with our crazy neighbors. Movie idea.

Luke Dunphy:
I'll put on the list. Comedy or drama?

Phil Dunphy:
Depends on casting.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
I don't want to rush him. Too much pressure and he will get traumatized.

Jay Pritchett:
He's grown up drinking from a breast bigger than his head. I don't think he scares easy.

Mitchell Pritchett:
Coming up with a lie like that in the moment... that girl is no clown. She's gonna be a lawyer.

Manny Delgado:
Ocupado, big guy. Find another foxhole.

Jay Pritchett:
[about Gloria's snoring] So what do I do?

Claire Dunphy:
You suck it up! Your hot wife, who was learning to walk when you were thirty, is pregnant with the baby you conceived doing something most men would kill to do!

Cameron Tucker:
Now we are going to make an orchestra using my favorite instruments, your beautiful bodies.

Luke Dunphy:
Getting creepy...

Jay Pritchett:
You're huge and you're loud. It's like sleeping with Rush Limbaugh.

Claire Dunphy:
And this is not wine, it's Ny-Quil. And some of last night's wine.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
He gave me the vertigo. I had to wear flats. I don't know how people walk on those things.

Haley Dunphy:
I threw up for three straight days. I don't know how supermodels do it.

Luke Dunphy:
[Filming Phil doing reaction shots] Now give me sad. Sadder. Think of me going off to college. Why are you smiling?

Phil Dunphy:
I didn't think you'd get in.

Haley Dunphy:
At last count I had three stalkers. One of them spray-painted my face on the side of his van. I had to stand there forever while he did it.

Mitchell Pritchett:
It's been a busy time at the house lately.

Cameron Tucker:
Fun busy.

Mitchell Pritchett:
I've been doing some work helping people with estates and wills. It's sadder than I thought It'd be.

Cameron Tucker:
Fun sad.

Jay Pritchett:
We have to go to the damn game. And they'll never believe any of our excuses ever again, even if they're true.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Unless...

Manny Delgado:
Why do you do that? Why do you just say "unless" and then pause? Just finish the thought.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
[Pulls out pellet gun] Unless Jay really gets shot in the foot.

Jay Pritchett:
I can't believe I'm saying this again, after seven years of marriage, but please put the gun away.

Phil Dunphy:
If something were to happen, not saying it would, I would turn our bedroom into a shrine to Claire.

Claire Dunphy:
Oh, honey.

Phil Dunphy:
And this room into a hall of magic.

Claire Dunphy:
What did I tell you about breaking curfew?

Alex Dunphy:
That I should do it more often.

Mitchell Pritchett:
Lily is not gay, it's just a phase she's going through. Oh, my God, did I just say that? Don't tell anyone I said that.

Phil Dunphy:
Hayley, you're not going to quit that job!

Haley Dunphy:
What? Where is this coming from?

Phil Dunphy:
Your future, and it's not pretty.

Haley Dunphy:
I don't get it. In the future, I'm not pretty?

Phil Dunphy:
No, you hold up okay, but you end up divorcing five guys with nicotine fingers.

Jay Pritchett:
[about Manny's interview] You know those slow-motion movies where they destroy a casino and it implodes? That.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
You're starting to forget your Spanish. You don't practice.

Manny Delgado:
Lo siento, mama. Estoy embarazada.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
You just told me you're pregnant.

Jay Pritchett:
Congratulations. You're glowing.

Jay Pritchett:
Let me tell you something about your prep school friends. I had a job working at a prep school checking coats, those rich snobs used to throw their coats at me, like I was nothing. And this was before your lightweight fabrics. Those things were heavy. You see this scar?

Manny Delgado:
The one you got from the war?

Jay Pritchett:
That's what I tell people. I acutally got this form the scalloped edge of a Burbury coat toggle. I'm still not sure there isn't a piece still in there.

Jay Pritchett:
[about Manny] I'm telling you, there's an embarrassing press conference in that kid's future.

Mitchell Pritchett:
We're getting married in seven months.

Cameron Tucker:
Or eight months.

Mitchell Pritchett:
I don't like getting married in April.

Cameron Tucker:
Well, I don't like sweating in May.

Phil Dunphy:
You don't tell a man on the throes of a Celine Dion concert to grow a pair. The ship sank, but her love will last forever!

Jay Pritchett:
Tonight, Frank you and me out on the town.

Phil Dunphy:
Oh, fun, a three-way.

Jay Pritchett:
I already regret this.

Jay Pritchett:
[about hiring a male nanny] He's a man. It's weird. He's a weird man. He's Phil, only I have to pay for him.

Pepper Saltzman:
You don't know what I've been through!

Cameron Tucker:
Well, maybe that's the problem.

Mitchell Pritchett:
Yeah, you've been put through the mill, Pepper. Heard it!

Pepper Saltzman:
Every wedding is unique, like a snowflake. And my job is to give you the snowflake that will make everyone die of jealousy.

Cameron Tucker:
It's all we ever wanted.

Male Nanny:
I'm the new manny.

Manny Delgado:
Am I being replaced?

Jeannie:
You two remind me of me and my sister. We were always fighting. I accused her of stealing my boyfriend, she accused me of stabbing me. Believe me, if I wanted to stab my sister, that skank be stabbed.

Claire Dunphy:
She's not a therapist, is she?

Pepper Saltzman:
[sobbing] I've done 53 gay weddings and... none of them are mine.

Ronaldo:
And whose fault do you think that is?

Pepper Saltzman:
I feel like you're implying mine, but I really don't see it.

DeDe Pritchett:
[At Jay and Gloria's wedding] When I first met Gloria and Jay told me they were getting married; I thought it was a match made in heaven; Jay's money and Gloria's b*obs.

Mitchell Pritchett:
You know, Mom's in town.

Jay Pritchett:
Your mom?

Mitchell Pritchett:
No. No, your mom. She's back from the grave. Yes. Yes, my mom, Dad.

Jay Pritchett:
My mom would be less scary.

Mitchell Pritchett:
Listen, she's a wreck about what happened at the wedding, and she wants to come to dinner tonight to apologize to everyone.

Jay Pritchett:
Still her little errand boy, I see.

Mitchell Pritchett:
No... why does everyone keep saying... No! I... I'm just trying to piece this family back together. So, you'll talk to Gloria about Mom coming to dinner?

Jay Pritchett:
Oh, Gloria would never go for that in a million years. She's still furious with your mother, which is why I'm not talking to you.

Mitchell Pritchett:
What did I do?

Jay Pritchett:
This conversation never took place.

Mitchell Pritchett:
What? That's not very nice. I drove all the way here.

Jay Pritchett:
No, you didn't. You were never here. In fact, you never even called.

Mitchell Pritchett:
I would have called, but I thought it would be better to talk about... what's happening here?

Jay Pritchett:
Listen, I would love to get this thing behind us, but Gloria would never forgive me if I pulled a fast one on her. That's why *you're* going to pull a fast one on her, and I'm not going to like it one bit.

Manny Delgado:
[to girl at Hayley's party] I don't think you're ready up here... [points at girl's head]... to do what you're planing to do up there.

Merle Tucker:
[after Lily knocks over a building block tower] Kids just love to destroy things.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Not my Manny. I would build the buildings, he would inspect them, and if they weren't up to code... ay, ay, ay, the paperwork.

Jay Pritchett:
This one time, Mitchell karate-chopped a glass plate window and had to get 17 stitches.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett:
Oh, I love this story! Which Charlie's Angel was he trying to be?

Alex Dunphy:
You know what I'll remember? The day my dad tried to create a special memory for me. [Phil kisses her on the forehead] Or when a pregnant woman slipped on my vomit.

Claire Dunphy:
Luke, Walt died last night.

Phil Dunphy:
He was writing an angry letter to the Postmaster General, and just fell asleep.

Claire Dunphy:
It was very peaceful.

Phil Dunphy:
Not the letter, that was full of threats.

Phil Dunphy:
Stick around if you want to see your mom's tongue fall out of her mouth.

Haley Dunphy:
Not unless you want to see my lunch fall out of mine.

Phil Dunphy:
If he's old enough to watch The Walking Dead with me...

Claire Dunphy:
He's not.

Phil Dunphy:
...he's old enough to stay home alone.

Claire Dunphy:
He's not.

Phil Dunphy:
Come on, he's not a child anymore. [Luke falls from leaning on the stool]

Luke Dunphy:
I'm fine!

Phil Dunphy:
See how deep his voice is? [Claire leaves, Phil rushes to Luke] Are you okay?

Manny Delgado:
I don't see why you're so excited about this restaurant.