Night Court

Mac Robinson:
Bull has got himself a girlfriend.

Dan Fielding:
Really? Animal, mineral or vegetable?

[repeated line]

Buddy Ryan:
...but I'm feeling MUCH better now!

Christine Sullivan:
Oh I got married in an Italian restaurant! What could possibly be more idiotic?

Dan Fielding:
A chicken and waffle joint comes to mind.

[after Christine makes a joke]

Harry Stone:
She is to comedy what Roy Rogers is... to comedy.

Harry T. Stone:
Fifty dollars plus time served.

Dan Fielding:
[to Harry] If you weren't born, Walt Disney would have to draw you.

Harry Stone:
[to a defendant] Well, I'm gonna find the defendant guilty of assault and battery, and Mr. Gunther, I am gonna give you two days in the slammer. Because you've got to learn, that this is not funny, no matter what you think of the man's musical talent!

[we see the victim who has a harmonica stuffed in his mouth]

Dan Fielding:
Be grateful it was your mouth.

[Mac walks in on Bull who is leaning over the rear end of a horse]

Bull Shannon:
Hi, Mac; it's not what you think!

Mac Robinson:
God, I hope not!

[on trial are a group of beauty contestants who attacked their sneaky pageant coordinator]

Dan Fielding:
Your Honor, according to witnesses, Miss Congeniality led the attack with a kick to the groin.

Judge Harold 'Harry' T. Stone:
If I had a dime for every woman...

Assistant District Attorney Daniel Reinhold Fielding:
You could make a phone call.

Bull Shannon:
[approaches the cafeteria table where everyone is sitting. He is wearing boxers and a t-shirt] Hi, guys.

Harry Stone:
Bull?

Bull Shannon:
Oh, don't worry, Your Honor. I'm just having one of those dreams where you show up to work in your underwear.

Harry Stone:
Bull, this isn't a dream.

Bull Shannon:
It's not?

[everyone shakes their heads]

Bull Shannon:
Yikes!

[Bull runs out]

Yakov Korolenko:
Go, Yankees! Lou Piniella!

[during a Christmas episode, Harry happens to look outside of his chambers, and sees a reindeer in the hallway]

Harry Stone:
[running back into chambers] Everyone, come quick, you have to see this!

[everyone runs out into the hallway. Selma is standing where the reindeer was]

Bull Shannon:
It's Selma!

Harry Stone:
Selma, did you see that?

Selma Hacker:
I saw it, all right.

[she begins to walk away. Everyone runs to where she was standing]

Selma Hacker:
If you think I'm cleaning that up, you're out of your mind.

Dan Fielding:
You know, one of my college roommates actually contracted rabies. He died soon after. Got run over while chasing a car. [chuckles] Just kidding. He died of rabies.

Dan Fielding:
I know every nook and cranny a body could fit into in this place.

Phil Sanders:
That's the kind of failure I can only dream about.

Dan Fielding:
I have stood next to death, and people liked him better.

[after an electrician uses ashes from an urn in a coffee maker to test the circuit]

Judge Harold 'Harry' T. Stone:
That wasn't herb tea... that was Herb!

Phil Sanders:
[suggesting a slogan for Dan's mayoral campaign] The Big Apple needs a worm like Fielding!

Public Defender Liz Williams:
[watching a videotape of a couple having public sex in Central Park] They're breaking the law, alright.

Judge Harold 'Harry' T. Stone:
Of gravity.

[discussing plea deals before session]

Dan Fielding:
Mackinaw.

Christine Sullivan:
Now this guy, he's a family man. Do you have to charge him with indecent exposure?

Dan Fielding:
A guy shows up at a public beach wearing nothing but a hot dog bun and relish, what am I supposed to charge him with?

Christine Sullivan:
Vending without a license?

Harry Stone:
You robbed an international house of pancakes? How waffle!

Dan Fielding:
Your Honor, this is the second time the defendant has been tried for robbing the Manhattan Butcher Shop.

Harry Stone:
So we *meat* again. Looks like someone hasn't *loined* his lesson. Well, apparently he doesn't realize what's at *steak* here.

Harry Stone:
[as the courtroom clears unamused] Hey, where you going? This is *prime* stuff.

Ed Druthers:
So how does a man get lost in the system for 41 hours?

Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson:
In this case, Borelli was arrested at the 33rd Precinct. Some doofus put him on a bus to the women's jail instead of here.

[cut to Druthers interviewing Borelli]

Ed Druthers:
You were sent to a women's detention center, de-loused in jail with 300 women. Why didn't you say anything?

Mr. Borelli:
[shrugs] Would you?

God No. 1:
[two men dispute which of them is God] Thou shalt have no other gods before *me.*

God No. 2:
How would you like a thunderbolt where the sun don't shine?

Harry Stone:
[an elderly defendant is on trial for prostitution. Several elderly men in wheelchairs cheer for her] Mr. Reynolds, were all these men this happy before they met Mrs. Smith?

Mr. Reynolds:
No. But they could all walk.

Mrs. Smith:
[about her prostitution] Sometimes I do it for pudding.

Dan Fielding:
Sometimes I do it *in* pudding.

Mrs. Smith:
Sometimes I do it for green stamps. And sometimes I do it just for kicks.

Bull Shannon:
[to Roz] Can you imagine degrading yourself for green stamps?

Roz Russell:
Sure. By now I would have enough for that sail boat.

Bull Shannon:
[leading the two 'gods' from the courtroom. In a low voice] Going my way? [he laughs]

God No. 2:
[to God No. 1] And I thought I screwed up when I made the platypus.

Sheila:
I have a new position.

Dan Fielding:
Does it involve a loss of consciousness?

Bull Shannon:
[the staff don't know why a man, a monk, on trial won't talk] Maybe when he was eight some kid dared him to stick his tounge to a frozen flagpole. And it got torn out, leaving only a pulpy, meaty stub.

Roz Russell:
You've been taking the toaster into the tub again, haven't you?

Harry Stone:
[defendants are on trial for book burning] I feel it's my responsibility to set an example by fining radical extremists like this with every ounce of power that this state has seen fit to grant me!

Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson:
[reads the title of a salvaged book] "The Genius of Barry Manilow."

Harry Stone:
[bangs gavel] One dollar!

Bull Shannon:
Mr. Tartikoff, what's the secret of your success?

Brandon Tartikoff:
Luck and timing play a big part. But I also pride myself on being a man of principle and integrity. You see, I will kowtow to *no one.*

Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson:
Excuse me, a Mr. Cosby is on the phone for you.

Brandon Tartikoff:
The sandwiches! Tell him I already left! [leaves]

Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson:
[on the phone] He's on his way. Why don't you suck on one of those pudding pops while you're waiting?

Harry Stone:
Mister Tuttle, do you have anything to say?

Mr. Tuttle:
[long pauses between every word]... Yes.

Harry Stone:
[not presently aware Tuttle is a very slow talker] Well then go ahead.

Mr. Tuttle:
...Well... it's... a... long... story.

Harry Stone:
[dreadfully aware, now, that Tuttle is a slow talker] Why am I seeing my life flashing before my eyes?

Christine Sullivan:
[feels the judge's pain] Well, he does have a legal right to speak, Your Honor.

Harry Stone:
Okay Mister Tuttle, let 'er rip!

Mr. Tuttle:
...Thank... you... I'll... be... brief.

Harry Stone:
Mr. Tuttle, I got one question for you. Do you or do you not want to press charges?

Mr. Tuttle:
...No.

Harry Stone:
[yells] Why the hell didn't you just say that to begin with?

Mr. Tuttle:
...Well...

Harry Stone:
[fed up] Case dismissed!

Mrs. Smith:
[offers herself to Dan after Sheila rejects him for Mr. Tuttle] I'll wait for you downstairs. Don't knock it till you tried it. [she leaves]

Food Vendor:
Hey pal, did I get your order?

Dan Fielding:
[after a moment decides to take Mrs. Smith up on her offer. To the vendor] Give me ten puddings.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Any questions?

Dan Fielding:
Just one. How? How did you get appointed to the bench?

Judge Harry T. Stone:
You know, Dan, that's a funny story. It was the mayor's last day in office, and it was a Sunday. And my name was at the bottom of a list of a thousand candidates. So they start calling folk, starting at the top of the list, but, you see, it's Sunday so no-one's home. So they keep calling down the list, name by name; no-one answers. Finally they get down to the bottom of the list and... voila.

Court Clerk Lana Wagner:
You mean you were appointed a judge because...

Judge Harry T. Stone:
I was home.

[first lines]

Court Clerk Lana Wagner:
The judge will be here any minute. Are you finished painting?

Painter:
[staring out the window] Yeah.

Court Clerk Lana Wagner:
Well, then, what are you doing?

Painter:
I'm watching the naked couple in the building across the alley; they're fooling around.

Court Clerk Lana Wagner:
That's depraved.

Painter:
Too soon to tell.

Court Clerk Lana Wagner:
I meant you. How would you like somebody watching you and your wife doing that?

Painter:
My wife won't do that.

Court Clerk Lana Wagner:
Out!

Court Clerk Lana Wagner:
Any sign of the new judge?

Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
Not yet. Say, Lana, what's this guy supposed to be like?

Court Clerk Lana Wagner:
I don't know. Our ex-mayor just filled all the vacancies in the court on his last day in office. Nobody knows who was appointed or where they were assigned.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
[to courier] Sorry I don't tip. Besides, how do I know you're not the type to go out and spend it on a Barry Manilow album?

Judge Harry T. Stone:
This could go either way.

Court Clerk Lana Wagner:
Yes!

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Unless...

Court Clerk Lana Wagner:
What?

Judge Harry T. Stone:
No, I guess it's got to go either way, don't you think?

Dan Fielding:
Your Honor, this is highly irregular.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Thanks.

Bailiff Selma Hacker:
I had a husband just like that.

Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
Oh, yeah?

Bailiff Selma Hacker:
Yeah. I had to shoot *him* too.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
[to Lana] I own every record Mel Torm? ever made. [Lana just stares at him] I'm going to marry the girl that's impressed by that.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Thanks a lot for being patient with me tonight; I am new here, you know.

Court Clerk Lana Wagner:
Yeah, we noticed.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
You know, my name was at the bottom of that list of prospective judges because I haven't had much experience really. But, every candidate does go through a thorough screening process, and whatever anybody thinks of that list, I *was* on it.

[last lines]

Court Clerk Lana Wagner:
About my job...?

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Give me one more chance, huh.

Court Clerk Lana Wagner:
It would be an honor to call you Harry!

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Then it's fortunate I have that name.

[a group of old ladies stand accused of running an unlicensed phone-sex service]

Judge Harry T. Stone:
I don't mean to offend you ladies, but are there really that many people who like to fantasize while talking to...

Old Lady 2:
A bunch of old broads?

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Okay.

Old Lady 1:
Oh, they don't know how old we are. I always use a phone persona, to heighten the fantasy.

Old Lady 1:
[mimes picking up a phone and talking in a sexy voice] "Hi, I'm Bent Barbara."

Dan Fielding:
[looking shocked] YOU'RE BENT BARBARA?

Old Lady 2:
You sound kind of familiar...

Old Lady 1:
It's VICK VASELINO.

Dan Fielding:
[Scottish accent] Uh, no lass, you must be mistaken.

Old Lady 1:
You can't fool us, Vic. Not after sharing so many personal, intimate fantasies. So...

Old Lady 1:
[pointing to Christine] You must be Christine.

[the court has to finish it's docket by midnight to save an orphanage]

Harry T. Stone:
People versus?

Mac Robinson:
Wagner.

Harry T. Stone:
Prostitution?

Mac Robinson:
Positively.

Harry T. Stone:
Prosecution?

Dan Fielding:
Pictures.

Christine Sullivan:
Objection!

Harry T. Stone:
Grounds?

Christine Sullivan:
Entrapment.

Dan Fielding:
Ridiculous.

Harry T. Stone:
Reason?

Dan Fielding:
Witnesses.

Harry T. Stone:
Overruled.

Christine Sullivan:
Darn.

Harry T. Stone:
Plea?

Hooker:
Guilty.

Harry T. Stone:
Motion?

Christine Sullivan:
Leniency?

Harry T. Stone:
Granted.

Christine Sullivan:
Fine?

Harry T. Stone:
Fifty.

Christine Sullivan:
Finished.

Dan Fielding:
Freebie?

Hooker:
Forget it!

Dan Fielding:
Where the hell is Harry? He's over a minute late!

Roz Russell:
What's wrong, Dan? Your date getting paid by the hour?

Dan Fielding:
No. It just so happens that the assistant D.A.'s have a pool going this month to see who gets the most convictions.

Christine Sullivan:
By total volume, or percentage?

Dan Fielding:
Raw tonnage.

Christine Sullivan:
What?

Dan Fielding:
Yeah, every defendant's weight is right here on the rap sheet. Whoever convicts the most flesh by midnight wins two thousand dollars.

Mac Robinson:
Talk about living off the fat of the land.

Harry Stone:
They confessed their guilt, they told no lies. But oh how they could harmonize.

[about a barbershop quartet]

[Harry arm-wrestles Edwards for the orphanage's money]

Sister Laurie:
Rip his arm out of his socket!

Christine Sullivan:
[after buttoning her blouse after flashing him to help Judge Harry Stone win an arm-wrestling contest] You won't tell them, will you?

Otis Edwards:
[Tipping his cowboy hat] Ma'am, where would I begin?

Sascha Minkoff:
You remind me of my seventh husband, the Baron... rest his soul.

Dan Fielding:
Oh? What happened to him?

Sascha Minkoff:
He died the way men dream of dying... making love to me.

[Dan pretends disinterest, but after a moment, he looks around, then leans over and drops his voice]

Dan Fielding:
What were you doing?

[She cups a hand to his ear and whispers]

Dan Fielding:
[shocked] My god, that would generate 48 pounds of pressure per square inch!

Sascha Minkoff:
Fifty if I stretch first. So, darling... care to try your luck?

Dan Fielding:
Sascha? That thing you told me about... did you ever try it with any of your other husbands?

Sascha Minkoff:
A few times.

Dan Fielding:
And did any of them... survive?

Sascha Minkoff:
Only John Wayne. But he never walked the same.

[Dan walks away quickly, then stops, and turns around]

Dan Fielding:
Saddle up.

Harry Stone:
[as Sascha Minkoff exits the elevator] Ms. Minkoff, here's your ring back.

Sascha Minkoff:
Oh, who cares about that stupid rock.

[walks off smiling]

Harry Stone:
[sees Dan stumbling around on the elevator] Dan?

Dan Fielding:
[dazed] Harry?

Harry Stone:
Are you all right?

Dan Fielding:
I'm fine.

Dan Fielding:
[in a John Wayne persona] Pilgrim. Never better.

Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
Thanks, Harry.

Judge Harold T. 'Harry' Stone:
Hey, that's what buddies do.

Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
So, that means you'll always be there for me?

Judge Harold T. 'Harry' Stone:
You bet. Always.

[Bull holds up his hands, both of which are encased in plaster casts]

Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
I have to go to the bathroom, Harry.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
[runs to the bench] Your Honor, a sudden emergency has occurred, and forces me to ask for a recess.

Judge Harold T. 'Harry' Stone:
[not looking up] Sex or money, Dan?

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
[feigning offense] Oh, I'm hurt! Oh, I'm offended! I mean, did it ever occur to you that I could be in pain, could be in the throes of some personal tragedy?

[Harry gives him a look]

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
Sex.

[after Bull has an emergency]

Judge Harold T. 'Harry' Stone:
Well, under the circumstances, I guess it would be appropriate to call...

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
*Yes?*

Judge Harold T. 'Harry' Stone:
A *short*...

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
Yes.

Judge Harold T. 'Harry' Stone:
Recess.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
YES!

[Harry has been taking care of a man's funeral ashes in a small urn]

Harry Stone:
Hey, this thing's empty!

Art Fensterman:
Oh that, yeah I'm sorry, Your Honor, I had to use that herb tea to test the coffee maker.

Harry Stone:
Art, this wasn't herb tea! This was Herb!

[they look over and see Dan standing at the coffee maker, his mug frozen against his lips]

Lorna Huebner:
Your Honor, my father's dying words were, "No matter what, don't make me go with Arlene."

Arlene Huebner:
Why, you lying...!

Harry Stone:
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Dying words? Is Dad dead?

Dan Fielding:
As a kipper on a cracker!

[shocked looks]

Dan Fielding:
I'm sorry to say.

Harry Stone:
Well, the way you were just talking about him, I kind of got the impression that he was, you know, here.

Bull Shannon:
He is, Your Honor.

[Bull holds up a small urn and places it on Harry's desk]

Bull Shannon:
This is Mr. Hubner.

Harry Stone:
Gee, he's a lot shorter than I pictured.

Bull Shannon:
You're a judge. You stand for justice.

[to Billie]

Bull Shannon:
You're a public defender. You stand for the underprivileged. I'm a bailiff. I stand. Kind of like cattle.

Dan Fielding:
And starring Dan Fielding as The Scarecrow.

Dan Fielding:
Hey! I have had every woman in this building! I have had stewardesses from 14 foreign countries! I have had den mothers!

Dan Fielding:
I've had every woman in this building! I've had stewardesses from fourteen different foreign countries. I have had den mothers.

[On her first day, Billie has revealed that she has sympathized with her client, and hidden the cat he stole. She is now in jail for contempt of court, and Harry comes to visit her]

Billie Young:
I know you don't agree with me, but...

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
I agree with you.

Billie Young:
I don't expect you to... You agree with me?

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
Sure. I probably would have done the same thing.

Billie Young:
[muttering] They told me you were nuts.

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
Beg pardon?

Billie Young:
I... if you agree with me, why am I in jail?

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
Call it a whim. I have this thing about upholding the law. Billie, what you did was noble, it really was, and as a person I can admire it.

Billie Young:
But as a judge?

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
Cough up the cat.

[Billie, the new public defender, has been thrown in jail for contempt of court]

Hooker:
Hey, sister! Nice suit! Some kinky guy made me get dressed up like that once.

Billie Young:
I love your hair, dear. Is it permanent press?

Holding Cell Crowd:
Whoaaaa!

Public Defender Billie Young:
[after Harry dismisses her from a court case against the man she's dating] Stay away from me or I'll jump!

Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
[to Selma] I think she's bluffing.

Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
Here you go, sir. They tried to escape twice.

Mrs. Sheldon:
We're feisty.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
I can see that. Mr. Prosecutor?

Dan Fielding:
Yes, sir. The defendants were arrested for disturbing the peace at a local eatery after they turned over the salad bar and assaulted each other with baby tomatoes, the three bean salad, and lettuce tongs.

Public Defender Billie Young:
The Sheltons' children threw them a sixty-fifth anniversary party and things got out of hand.

Mr. Sheldon:
I didn't know she was gonna to be there.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Sixty-fifth anniversary?

Mrs. Sheldon:
That's lead. If I had a gun, I'd give Mr. Shelton a little present.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Pardon the presumption, but I'm getting the impression that you two lived through sixty-five years of marital...

Mr. Sheldon:
Agony.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Thanks. Why?

Mrs. Sheldon:
We were waiting for the children to die.

Mr. Sheldon:
Aw, not that we wanted them to die, of course.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Of course.

Mrs. Sheldon:
It's just that divorce can be so damaging. We were only thinking of the boys.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
The boys?

Mr. Sheldon:
Little Freddie will be sixty-four in April.

Mrs. Sheldon:
And the baby just retired. This would kill him.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
I have no reason to doubt that.

Rhoda Wasserman:
I should have known. They broke the mold after they made Bull Shannon.

Roz Russell:
[to Christine] They broke the mold *while* they made Bull Shannon.

Dan Fielding:
[Bull is crying because he can't pick up women in a club] Would you stop that?

Bull Shannon:
I can't help it. I'm a pathetic, worthless, socially inept geek.

Dan Fielding:
Of course you are. But pull yourself together.

Dan Fielding:
Look, if Rhoda can fall in love with you, *despite* the fact that you're hideous and annoying, what could possibly change her mind?

Bull Shannon:
Gee, I never looked at it like that.

Dan Fielding:
See? We're always the last to see our own merits.

[shudders]

Dan Fielding:
My God, I sound like Harry.

Judge Casement:
Who do you think you are, Pencil Neck?

Harry Stone:
I happen to be a judge.

Judge Casement:
Well, Judge Pencil Neck...

Judge Casement:
Who's Fielding?

Dan Fielding:
I am, Your Honor.

Judge Casement:
Get your butt up here and state your grievance.

[Dan takes the stand]

Judge Casement:
Briefly, very briefly.

Dan Fielding:
[stands and points at Wood] HE DID IT!

[pause]

Judge Casement:
You may elaborate.

Judge Casement:
Anything else?

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
Yes. I would like to thank each of my friends for coming down here, and sticking up for me. Especially you, Roz.

Rosalind Jane 'Roz' Russell:
Beats sitting here listening to Harry.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
I would also like to thank Mr. Johnson, and Mr. Wood, for teaching me a very important lesson. You see, all my life I wanted to be rich and important, like you. Even as a kid back in Louisiana, I would wear a tie while slopping hogs, pretending they were reporters, all clamoring to ask me questions about my latest courtroom triumph. I would graciously answer each in turn, until my bucket was empty and my tie was covered with pig phlegm. All those years ago, and then suddenly, I had the chance to become one of you! To my own surprise, I said no. Because I realized that, you're not better than the people I grew up with. You're not even better than the pigs.

Bobby Johnson:
[to Dan, laughing] We're gonna sue you blind, dude!

Theodore Wood:
Bobby, be quiet.

Bobby Johnson:
Aw, don't tell me to be quiet. I want you to hit this guy with papers, now!

Theodore Wood:
I said shut up!

Bobby Johnson:
Who do you think you're talking to, huh? Hey, maybe I'll go call my old man!

Theodore Wood:
Yeah, you do that, Bobby. And when you got him on the phone, you tell him I'm fed up bailing his snot-nosed son out of trouble!

Bobby Johnson:
What? Hey listen, pal, I don't need your...!

Rosalind Jane 'Roz' Russell:
[stands up and pushes him into a chair] Hey! Why don't we just let the nice man finish talking?

[Bobby shuts up immediately]

Dan Fielding:
Mr. Hubbell was on his way to a seminar on subway hospitality, when he was mugged outside of city hall.

Mr. Hubble:
They took everything. My wallet, my keys, my cash...

Billie Young:
And after pleading with several passer-bys for bus fare, Mr. Hubbell attempted to panhandle from a group of Japanese tourists. They turned him down.

Harry Stone:
And?

Dan Fielding:
He mugged them. Your Honor, the state wishes to submit evidence. We have affidavits from the victims, some shredded yen, and over seventy action-packed photographs of the incident.

Harry Stone:
Hi there, Mr. Hubble. How are you today?

Mr. Hubble:
I hate Central Park in autumn. I hate the U.N. Building. I hate bridges.

Harry Stone:
It says here you're an employee of the City Tourism Bureau.

Mr. Hubble:
I hate New York!

Mr. Hubble:
I hate tourists.

Harry Stone:
Isn't that a little inconsistent with your job, Mr. Hubble?

Mr. Hubble:
I hate my job.

Harry Stone:
Got it.

Mr. Hubble:
I hate you.

Harry Stone:
Well, I saw that coming. That'll be ten days and a five hundred dollar fine. [bangs gavel]

Mr. Hubble:
Have a nice day.

[the gang leaves Bull's apartment, but he walks out after them]

Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
Hey, wait a minute!

Public Defender Liz Williams:
Your head, watch out, you-!

[She falls silent as the top of the doorjam turns out to be a doggie door, that swings open to let his head pass under it]

Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
Listen, I just wanted to thank you all for being concerned about me. I really appreciate it.

Public Defender Liz Williams:
Well...

Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
Goodnight.

[He goes back in, the doggie door swinging again]

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
That is pretty clever.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
Let's go get some coffee. I got to tell you about his toilet seat.

[the next defendant enters, wearing a trench coat]

Guy T. Reynolds:
May I remove my coat, Your Honor?

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
Sure.

Public Defender Liz Williams:
[as he starts to] NO!

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
Miss Williams!

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
Your Honor, the charge?

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
[reads] Indecent exposure.

[He looks over the top of the bench, to see Mr. Reynolds's bare legs peeking out from below the trench coat]

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
You almost got me on that one, didn't you, Mr. Reynolds?

Guy T. Reynolds:
That charge is ridiculous, Your Honor. I'm not a pervert! I'm a nudist.

[Applause from the gallery]

Arthur Thursby:
You're insane!

Harry Stone:
They called me mad at the university!

[Christine, Harry, and Bull storm into Thursby's office]

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Thursby, you're scum!

Arthur Thursby:
[into phone] You'll have to excuse me, Monsignor. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly just dropped by.

Arthur Thursby:
[after realizing he has been caught] Okay... okay. What do you want?

Christine Sullivan:
I am going to file formal charges, and we are going to get you out of this office, out of this job, and out of this profession. You can count on it.

Arthur Thursby:
Hey... no female talks to me like that. I'll go where I want to go, when I'm *damn* good and ready!

[Behind him, his office door falls into the room, torn clean off its hinges. Standing there is Bull, who folds his arms]

Arthur Thursby:
I'm ready now.

Harry Stone:
[in regards to Arthur Thursby] Well, I guess the next step is obvious.

Bull Shannon:
Right, we kill him. Then we rip his face off. Then we put it back on upside down.

Harry Stone:
You subscribe to "Drawn and Quarterly," don't you?

Roz:
Something wrong, Dan?

Dan Fielding:
[about a woman who excites him, but turns him down] She takes me to the brink of ecstasy then abandons me there. I need satisfaction and I need it now.

Roz:
I understand. You want to be alone.

Arthur Thursby:
Can I get you folks anything? Coffee? Tea? [looks at Bull who scowls at Thursby] Noose?

Harry Stone:
Just what do you need a defense against, Thursby?

Arthur Thursby:
Wrongful accusations, hasty conclusions. [looks at Bull again] Getting my face ripped off.

Bull Shannon:
Mr. Thursby, I'm sorry I thought about ripping your face off.

Arthur Thursby:
Me too.

Harry Stone:
[Bull growls menacingly at Thursby] Down boy! Down! [Bull growls again] Heel! Go wait outside. [Bull growls again] I promise we'll save you the face.

[Dan and Harry are competing for the attention of Christine's college roommate, Heather]

Bull Shannon:
The honorable - and sexy! - Judge Harold T. Stone presiding.

Dan Fielding:
Objection!

Harry Stone:
Overruled!

Christine Sullivan:
Are you two done mentally undressing my friend?

Dan Fielding:
Hold it a sec.

Detective Costas:
[after locating Bob at Christine's party] We're keeping him under protective custody. There's a fifty-thousand-dollar price tag on his head. Right now there's a professional hit man parked in a car across the street. A hit man who wouldn't mind at all splattering the brains of every person in this room until he got the guy he was after.

[goes to the table]

Detective Costas:
Is this bean dip for everybody?

Detective Costas:
Stay away from the doors. Stay away from the windows - and those devilled eggs, they're gonna repeat on you like you wouldn't believe...

Maria:
My name is Maria, I work up in filing. It's very boring, I hope you're not... boring.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
How does a little red wine, and gravity boots for two sound?

Maria:
It's a start. [grabs his hand and writes on it with her pen] Pick me up here after work. Wear something tear-away. [leaves]

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
My name's Dan.

Maria:
Who cares?

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
[shrugs] Right!

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
You will not believe what just happened to me!

Judge Harry T. Stone:
[not looking up] Some loose woman that you've never met before has agreed to go back to your place, and participate in some deviant sexual behavior.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
What gave me away, the drool?

City Auditor Clark Edwards:
My God, he's gonna kill us!

Judge Harry Stone:
Oh relax, Mr. Edwards.

City Auditor Clark Edwards:
He's got a gun! How can you be so calm?

Judge Harry Stone:
Because thanks to the crack security you've given us around here, we've kind of gotten used to this sort of thing.

City Auditor Clark Edwards:
Don't cry on my shoulder, Judge Stone. We provide you with the best security money can buy.

Judge Harry Stone:
Yeah? Well, have you thought about maybe taking a couple of days to *train 'em first*?

Harry Stone:
Art you mean to tell us that was you making those noises inside those pipes this whole time?

Art Fensterman:
What are you kidding me? I was practically rapping Babalooie on these babies.

Roosevelt:
[to Christine] Hey, how'd you like me to charge up your San Juan Hill?

[laughs]

Christine Sullivan:
Look, I may have to defend you, but I don't have to put up with your sleazy remarks.

Roosevelt:
Ooh, a filly with spirit! Looks like you need a Rough Rider!

[laughs]

Christine Sullivan:
Watch it. I speak softly but I carry a big knee.

Dr. Townsend:
[Telling the others about Roz] She could faint... she could go into a coma... she could die.

Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
Boy I sure hope she picks fainting.

[appearing are three actors playing U.S. Presidents, charged with soliciting a prostitute]

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
Honest, Abe?

Lincoln:
Look, I don't have to take this. I'm a major talent in this town.

Francine La Rue:
Wanna bet?

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
In the meantime, you gentlemen are going to have to decide whether you want your cases adjudicated together or separately.

Lincoln:
United we stand, divided we fall!

Francine La Rue:
Tell me about it.

Christine Sullivan:
Your Honor, before we can proceed, we're going to need an order to separate. The fourth defendant isn't here. The man playing Thomas Jefferson hasn't sobered up yet.

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
Little bit too much Yankee Doodle Brandy?

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
About ten minutes ago he stuck a feather down his throat and threw up macaroni.

Lincoln:
Hold it, everyone! Watch where you step!

Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson:
What'd you do, lose a contact lens?

Lincoln:
No, my wart!

Christine Sullivan:
[Bull begins a lengthy read of the Welcome Back banner he made for Roz until Christine interrupts] Bull, how long is that thing?

Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
How far is it from here to the door?

Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson:
Six feet.

Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
Then it's 18 floors and 6 feet.

Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
I missed Roz. I still don't see why she wouldn't let us visit her at the hospital.

Christine Sullivan:
I do. It's embarrassing. I hate wearing those hospital gowns that hang wide open at the back.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
I always turn mine around.

Moody:
Too risky. I think our only prudent course is open gunplay.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Listen, fathead, the one thing we don't need is to have some trigger-happy lunatic in charge!

[into phone]

Judge Harry T. Stone:
No, no, Mr. President, I wasn't talking to you. Yes, I'm sure you do get that kind of thing all the time.

Harry Stone:
[Sherman has just returned the Constitution back to the judge] Mr. Sherman, I can't condone your actions. But you have given us something to think about. Maybe even something to read.

Nesbitt Sherman:
Take good care of it, judge. It's the stuff that dreams are made of.

Moody:
Your Honor, I've had a lot of experience with hostage situations. I think we should shut off the air conditioning, not let him have any food, then wait for negotiations to break down, and shoot him.

Dr. Townsend:
[after Bull fell off the roof while trying to get to Roz] Oh, thank God he caught the flagpole.

Dan Fielding:
Too bad he didn't catch it with his hands.

Christine Sullivan:
[calling down to him] Bull, are you all right?

Bull Shannon:
[high voice] Can I get back to you on that?

Moody:
[after taking a secure call] Red alert men. A possible threat to the president. There are reports of some terrible behemoth scaling the wall of this building.

Bull Shannon:
[Knocks from outside the courtroom window and waves at the judge] I'm going to get Roz!

[He climbs away]

Harry Stone:
No! Bull! Wait! Oh, boy.

Nesbitt Sherman:
[expressing his demand to Harry about the U.S. Constitution he was threatening to burn] Everyone in America is a child of this Constitution and that makes us a family. I just want us to treat each other that way.

Moody:
[disgusted] That's sick.

Roz Russell:
[a delirious Roz realizes Dan is not her papa] Papa I... Hey you're not my papa!

Dan Fielding:
That's right.

[shows her the needle]

Dan Fielding:
And this ain't no ice cream cone.

Roz Russell:
[after recovering from her insulin shock] You're a good friend, Dan, and I love you. Thank you for saving my life.

[she gently kisses his bruised cheek]

Dan Fielding:
[smiling] I saw your butt.

[Dan tells Roz's doctor to give him the insulin shot]

Dan Fielding:
How do I use this?

Dr. Townsend:
You have to stick it in her buttocks.

[pause]

Dan Fielding:
Dan Fielding: Up Close and Personal.

Roz Russell:
[on the courthouse rooftop] What's that behind your back, Dan?

[he's hiding an insulin syringe that he needs to inject into Roz's butt]

Dan Fielding:
[looks behind himself] New Jersey.

[Dan and Dr. Townsend find Roz, delirious, sitting on the edge of the roof]

Roz Russell:
Hey, what are you two doing up here? [looks over the edge] But then again, what the hell am I doing up here? [laughs]

[Roz, delirious, is sitting on the edge of the roof]

Judge Harry T. Stone:
The paramedics are on their way. In the meantime, they told us not to do anything that might upset her.

Roz Russell:
That's right. Otherwise it's one small step for Roz... one giant splat for mankind! [laughs]

[after Dan finishes his turning point story]

Christine Sullivan:
Dan, Dan, Dan...

Dan Fielding:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. I throw my life away for sex. But, you know, I thought I'd at least get to die having it.

Roz Russell:
Don't look at me, or you'll die trying to have it.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
Your Honor, the defendants are all tenants of what is called a "clothing optional" building.

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
Ah, they're nudists.

Mr. Lawler:
No! That's an archaic term, conjuring images of airbrushed families playing volleyball in the sun! *We* are naturalists! *We* are within our rights!

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
*They* were in the buffski! On the roof, in clear view of six other buildings.

Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson:
The people from that "clothing optional" building are in your office. They're staging a protest.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
*All* of them?

Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson:
She's in there, too, Dan.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood.

[Harry emerges from his office, full of nudists]

Angela:
[laughing] Oh, Your Honor, you're a card!

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
Thank you, thank you very much!

[sees the others]

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
Sleeves.

Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson:
Come again?

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
That's why there are no really great naked magicians.

Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
"Slowly". What a romantic adverb.

[to District Attorney Daniels, a midget]

Dan Fielding:
Vincent, I am truly sorry for everything that I said and did. You may shoot me in the vital organ of your choice.

Vincent Daniels:
Apology accepted. I'll get back to you on which organ.

Dan Fielding:
You're taking me back?

Vincent Daniels:
Yes. Because I think you're being sincere. Also, I've seen your conviction record. You're good. [Dan looks gratified] But most of all I'm taking you back because it will give me the opportunity to make your life a LIVING HELL! You think you're a tough customer? Well, move over, Buster! Because I'm the toughest, I'm the meanest, I'm the nastiest little man God ever put on this earth! I'm going to make you run, I'm going to make you jump, I am going to make you slither on the ground like a snake!

Dan Fielding:
GOD BLESS YOU!

[Dan hugs him, then leaves]

Vincent Daniels:
I don't understand him.

Harry Stone:
Neither do I. But together we can have some fun abusing him until we do.

Dan Fielding:
Look, I am sorry you were born... that way.

Vincent Daniels:
That's exactly what my father said. Just before he left.

Harry Stone:
Your father left?

Vincent Daniels:
I guess it was rough on him. His friends' sons played baseball. His carried the water bucket. His friends' sons played football. His carried the water bucket. To this day, I go crazy every time I go by a drinking fountain!

Dan Fielding:
You mean your father walked out on you just because you were... petite?

Vincent Daniels:
The night before he left, I heard him tell my mother that it was his fault. He said that I was a punishment from God. But my mother was a intelligent and caring woman. And she finally explained it to me, that it wasn't my inadequacies he couldn't deal with.

[He looks Dan square in the eye]

Vincent Daniels:
It was his own.

[Dan feels guilty]

Dan Fielding:
Is it true you can hang yourself with your own belt?

Harry Stone:
You can do it with your own words.

Dan Fielding:
Harry, don't you understand that it is a matter of dignity?

Harry Stone:
Oh, I know that. You are in need of some.

Vincent Daniels:
Oh, uh, Fielding? Got any spare change for the vending machine? I'm a little... short right now.

[Dan trembles, on the verge of an explosion]

Vincent Daniels:
Did you hear me, Fielding? I said, I'm a little... *short* right now. Anything you'd care to say?

[Dan tears off a piece of paper and wads it into his mouth, screams around it, then rushes out of the room]

[on Dan's upcoming operation]

Mac Robinson:
I know this takes a lot of guts.

Dan Fielding:
About two and a half feet, from what they tell me.

Public Defender Christine Sullivan:
Sir, would you please tell him that I am not a pervert?

Judge Harry T. Stone:
[starts to speak, but turns back] How exactly are we defining pervert?

Public Defender Christine Sullivan:
Sir!

Morgue Attendant:
Look, folks, "pervert, prude," it's not my job to label people. Wait a minute...

[holds up toe-tag]

Morgue Attendant:
I guess it is!

Morgue Attendant:
[rolling a gurney in] I'm here to take D. Fielding to the morgue.

[Everyone tells him there must be some mistake]

Public Defender Christine Sullivan:
He's just here for a minor operation.

Morgue Attendant:
[smiles] I'll check back later.

Dan Fielding:
Yeah, over my dead body.

Morgue Attendant:
It's a date!

Dan Fielding:
Yes, and please give my regards to the lovely Mrs. Dracula.

[sticks his head into Dan's room]

Morgue Attendant:
Is he done yet?

Dan Fielding:
Harry, do you know how many women I have slept with?

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Dan, it doesn't matter how many women you've slept with!

[pause]

Judge Harry T. Stone:
A hundred?

Dan Fielding:
You ever see the signs over the golden arches that say, "over 4 billion served"? Let's just say I'm competitive.

Morgue Attendant:
[carting a bodybag through the hospital sees Bull in a clown suit] A little advice. Change your shoes before stepping in front of a bus.

[uncovers a deceased clown]

Bull Shannon:
You mean?

Morgue Attendant:
Bobo got a booboo.

Phil Sanders:
[Bursts into Dan's room] Dan! I...

Dan Fielding:
Oh, Phil, spit it out.

Phil Sanders:
[Kneels bedside Dan's bed] Dan, uh... [starts sobbing on Dan's arm]

Dan Fielding:
I didn't mean that literally.

Phil Sanders:
I'm so happy that you're okay.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
You know, Dan, you owe quite a debt to Phil.

Dan Fielding:
What are you talking about?

Judge Harry T. Stone:
You needed a transfusion and none of us matched your type, so...

Dan Fielding:
Oh, no!

Phil Sanders:
I'm coursing through your veins even as we speak, Dan.

Dan Fielding:
Oh, my God!

Phil Sanders:
It's beautiful, isn't it? I am you. You are me.

Dan Fielding:
Yeah, now we both got hookworm! I want you and your green, furry teeth outta here!

Phil Sanders:
[Turns to Harry] He's gonna be just fine. [leaves the room]

Dan Fielding:
Ah, I can feel the Sterno pumping through my veins.

Dan Fielding:
You don't get it, do you? Listen to me. No one is ever going to love me. No one is ever going to say "I love you", and do you know why? Because in order to be loved one must be able to - give... and I . can't . give. I can not. I have never been able to give. And I don't... know why.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Dan Fielding, you're decent. Admit it!

Dan Fielding:
I will not!

[after Harry says, "I love you" to him, then turns to leave]

Dan Fielding:
Harry, I l... I l...

Mr. Feldman:
[pulls the curtain aside] You love him too! Spit it out!

[Dan just looks at him]

Mr. Feldman:
Oh please, allow me. [closes the curtain on himself]

Dan Fielding:
There, I said it.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
[smiles] Yeah, you did. Now try and say it to yourself.

Dan Fielding:
[talking about his parents] Those people represent everything I have fought to get away from my entire life.

Harry Stone:
Dan, they can't be that bad.

Dan Fielding:
My God, Harry! They're *Democrats*!

Harry Stone:
...I stand corrected.

[after Dan has made up with his parents]

Dan Fielding:
Hey listen, everybody, after work what say we go out and get some real food?

Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson:
Real food?

Dan Fielding:
Yeah, I know this 24-hour Creole place over on Lexington. They got chicken feet.

Bob Elmore:
No!

Dan Fielding:
Yeah, I go there quite a lot.

[off everyone's looks]

Dan Fielding:
Yes, I eat chicken feet. And I *like* it.

Bob Elmore:
The boy's right, judge. Anybody who sat on the same piece of land for forty-five years and never see it produce can't be the smartest man in the world, now can he? I never lost hope, did I, mother?

Mucette Elmore:
No, you didn't, Daddy Bob. You had more hope than anybody in the parish. Except for that young fellow at the filling station who tried to check his fuel tanks with a match...

Dan Fielding:
My father is a dirt farmer.

Harry Stone:
Dan, farming is noble...

Dan Fielding:
No crops, Harry, he farms *dirt*! Sure, maybe a few rocks now and again.

Harry Stone:
And I suppose he never tried to do any better?

Dan Fielding:
Yeah, sure he tried, and he always failed. Year after year after year, but nothing ever grew! That's not persistence that's stupid.

Harry Stone:
Dan, it's true that I don't know everything about your father, but from what I do know, "stupid" is not a word I'd use to describe him! And I think you're a pompous ass for saying so!

Dan Fielding:
That may be! But it doesn't mean it isn't true.

Harry Stone:
I'll see you in my office, Counselor.

Dan Fielding:
Yes, sir.

[Harry rises, and Dan follows him out. Billie starts to follow them, but Dan turns]

Dan Fielding:
I'd rather be raked over the coals alone, if you don't mind.

Ernie Carter:
Excuse me, Mr. Fielding?

Dan Fielding:
[distracted] Just a second, Len, I'll be with you in a moment...

[Ernie handcuffs a briefcase to Dan's wrist.]

Dan Fielding:
Hey, what the hell is this?

Ernie Carter:
It's a bomb, Dan!

[he opens the briefcase, showing it's full of dynamite. Dan gasps.]

Ernie Carter:
It's going off in thirty minutes.

[Dan gasps again.]

Ernie Carter:
[holds up a remote] Or sooner, if I push this little button.

[Dan gasps twice.]

Dan Fielding:
Who are you? Why are you doing this?

Ernie Carter:
You don't remember who I am, do you?

Dan Fielding:
Yes, of course I do... Roger? Steve-Bob-Bill-Jerry?

Ernie Carter:
Forget it, Fielding. You're going to go back in that courtroom and continue about your work. If you tell anyone about this bomb, then I push this button, and you turn into Bake-O Bits.

[Harry bribes a messenger boy to sing a regular telegram]

Timmy:
[to the tune of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat] "U.S. Army sad to say that sometime yesterday/ Captain Fielding's plane went down north of Hudson Bay."

Christine Sullivan:
[reading] "Although a body has not been found, he is presumed dead at the scene."

Bull Shannon:
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, Life is but a dream!

Public Defender Christine Sullivan:
You know, Dan, you could get into a lot of trouble for impersonating a military officer.

Dan Fielding:
It just so happens that I am an officer in the United States Army Reserves.

Mac Robinson:
Get out!

Dan Fielding:
No, it's true. In fact, I've been in the Reserves for five years. I mean, it's no big deal. One weekend a month, two weeks every summer...

Bull Shannon:
Like going to the bathroom.

[stares from everyone]

Bull Shannon:
What?

Harry Stone:
[On Dan being late for work] He'd better have one *whopper* of an excuse!

Dan Fielding:
[approaches the table in military uniform and salutes Harry] Captain Dan Fielding reporting for duty, *sir!*

Harry Stone:
What can I say, the guy's good.

[Dan is stranded in the Arctic]

Dan Fielding:
How do you people stay in touch with the outside world?

Kumok:
By snow plane.

Dan Fielding:
Well, that's great. When does it get here?

Kumok:
In morning.

Dan Fielding:
Fantastic. When's morning?

Kumok:
Next April, sharp.

Dan Fielding:
April? You mean, I get to spend the next six months with the "Slush Family Robinson" here?

Dan Fielding:
My name is Dan. Dan Fielding.

Kumok:
Hello, Dan-Dan Fielding!

[Dan must perform an operation on Kista for a hand-injured doctor]

Dr. Gordon Mooney:
Now, start by making a small incision across her abdomen.

Dan Fielding:
All right... there! That wasn't so bad.

Dr. Gordon Mooney:
Nice, very nice. Now, this time, let's try to actually break the skin.

Dan Fielding:
Okay... yeah, you know, this isn't so hard, it's really...

[gasp]

Dan Fielding:
Ugh! Blood!

Dr. Gordon Mooney:
[annoyed] Inside a human, well, don't that beat all?

Roz Russell:
[at Dan's "funeral"] The Dan Fielding I knew was a self centered, egotistical, bootlicking, no-good sack of slime in a $500 suit. His every action had an ulterior motive: if Dan gave you the shirt off his back you could bet that his pants and underwear would soon follow.

[Phil arrives at Dan's funeral with a framed letter]

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
What's this, Phil?

Phil Sanders:
It's a copy of Dan's favorite letter to Penthouse. I had it framed, I think Dan would have wanted it this way.

Roz Russell:
[reading the letter] I know Dan would have wanted it this way.

[Dan has exposed Kista's appendix to view]

Dan Fielding:
Bright red.

Dr. Gordon Mooney:
That means it's inflamed. It's got to come out for sure. Now, first you have to clamp down on it.

Dan Fielding:
Clamp.

[Namilama puts a clam in his hand]

Dan Fielding:
No, no, *clamp*!

[She gets it right]

Dr. Gordon Mooney:
Now, just be careful. You cut in the wrong place, and it's curtains for Kista.

[Ahkpa taps Dan's shoulder with a fishing spear]

Ahkpa:
[smiling and shaking his head] No pressure.

Dan Fielding:
[Dan, stuck with a small tribe of Eskimos in the arctic, has just finished performing surgery on an Eskimo woman. He's alone and reflecting on his lifestyle, praying that she survives] If you let Kista live, I promise I'll try to be a little better.

[pause]

Dan Fielding:
Oh, if you happen to get around to it...

[yells]

Dan Fielding:
Would you get me the hell out of here?

Maitre d':
You must be a night person. I pity you.

Dan Fielding:
Nice eyebrows. Who was your grandmother? A horned owl?

Maitre d':
Your snappy retort has stung me to the bone. I must write that down. Nitwit.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
Your Honor, the defendant entered Blumbert's deli, went up to the counter and said, "give me an egg salad sandwich, for though I have no cash, you and all your descendants will be blessed."

God:
It's better when I do it.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
Blumbert was unimpressed, and told him to leave. And then he told Blumbert to "be fruitful, and multiply." But not in those words.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
[as "God" is led out of the courtroom] Your Honor, pending the psychiatric evaluation, the State will move that the defendant be...

[a rock crashes through the window, making several women scream]

God:
[running back in] The day of destruction is here! Rise up! Rise up, and flee!

Judge Harry T. Stone:
All right, sit down! Sit down, don't flee.

God:
Some people I give wisdom. Some people I give talent. Pia Zadora I gave nothing.

[reading the death threat to Harry]

Public Defender Liz Williams:
Well, a person would have to be seriously deranged to do this stuff!

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
[sarcastic] Know anyone like that in Manhattan?

Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
Sorry, Your Honor. I ran downstairs to catch him, but I must have just missed him.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
You ran down eighteen flights of stairs?

Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
Yeah. I figured that whoever threw the rock through the window would have to come down the fire escape and onto the street.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Right.

Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
Then I figured the sight of someone like me barreling out of the courthouse would cause him to panic and flee, and then I'd nab him.

Court Clerk Lana Wagner:
So what happened?

Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
*Everyone* panicked and fled!

[after Harry's death threat is read aloud in the courtroom]

God:
I will see what their end shall be. I will spend my hours upon them. I will set on fire the foundations of their mountains.

Bailiff Selma Hacker:
You do, and you'll answer to me.

Dan Fielding:
Yes, I think it's sunk through the first four or five layers...

[Bull slaps forehead]

Dan Fielding:
We have comprehension.

[Bull was just struck by lightning. He is found on the couch, his clothes still smoking]

Harry Stone:
Bull!

Bull Shannon:
Mind if I smoke?

Christine Sullivan:
Doctor, is he all right?

Doctor:
That depends. What did he look like before?

Mac Robinson:
Just like that.

Doctor:
Well, then he's fine. Spooky, but fine.

Harry Stone:
Fine? Art said his heart stopped beating.

Doctor:
Well yes, for a few minutes he was clinically deceased.

Bull Shannon:
But I'm feeling much better now.

Dan Fielding:
Really? You look dead on your feet.

[He laughs; glares from everyone]

Dan Fielding:
Oh, come on. If we can't laugh at the walking dead, who can we laugh at?

[Mac is trying to figure out the new computer system]

Harry T. Stone:
What's the next case, Mac?

Mac Robinson:
[staring at the computer, confused] Uh, People vs. Pac Man, sir.

[Bull was hit by lightning]

Doctor:
It's a miracle he wasn't even hurt. With the voltage he absorbed, it must have been like French-kissing a light socket.

Bull Shannon:
No, that feels different.

[the night after Bull was hit by lighting]

Harry Stone:
Hey Roz, how's Bull doing?

Roz Russell:
Oh, he's fine. Had kind of a rough night, though.

Christine Sullivan:
Really?

Roz Russell:
Never wear polyester underwear if you're gonna be hit by lightning.

[Mac's computer is having difficulties. It's picked up air traffic control information]

Mac Robinson:
You're losing the altitude! Go left, go left!

[claiming to have fixed the computer's problems]

Mac Robinson:
I just took all that air traffic control stuff and just wiped it right off the screen.

[a roar of engines, and landing gear can be seen passing by the window of Harry's chambers. Dan leaps to the window's ledge and looks]

Dan Fielding:
[to the others] You should see the looks on their faces!

Bull Shannon:
[a city rep offers $25,000 to Bull so he doesn't sue the city after being struck by lightning. Looks to the courtroom ceiling] Thank yoooouuu.

[he exits the courtroom, then Mac enters and hears beeping on the computer]

Mac Robinson:
[reads] "You're welcome. And sorry about the underwear."

[Bull is sitting alone in the dark courtroom]

Derelict:
'Scuse me? I'm looking for the guy who's giving away all his money.

Bull Shannon:
He's not here. Besides, the money's all gone.

Derelict:
Oh... that's too bad. I was kind of counting on him.

[starts to leave]

Bull Shannon:
What do you need money for?

Derelict:
Oh, my son's coming home from the service. I'd like to get home to see him, but it's in South Carolina. I don't have bus fare.

[Bull stands and gives him a hundred dollars - his last hundred dollars]

Bull Shannon:
Here.

Derelict:
You're the guy! [Bull nods] Gee, I don't know what to say... God bless you.

Bull Shannon:
I won't hold my breath.

Dan Fielding:
[trapped in a motel room with a psychotic woman who acts out movie roles] What do you say we pop on the TV and watch a couple of movies, eh?

[he turns on the TV]

TV Announcer:
: We'll return to "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre"...

Dan Fielding:
[changes the channel] Seen that already.

TV Announcer:
: Tonight on Movie Showcase: "Dressed to Kill"...

Dan Fielding:
[changes the channel] Where are the Muppets when you need them, huh?

Judge Harry T. Stone:
[over the phone] You gotta listen to me! That woman you're with is psychotic!

Dan Fielding:
[chuckles] Well, maybe a little enthusiastic...

[as he turns away, Valerie takes a butcher knife out of her purse... ]

Dan Fielding:
Yeah? Uh, listen, how exactly are we defining "homicidal"?

[And throws it, embedding it into the wall a few inches in front of Dan's nose]

Dan Fielding:
[into phone] Uh, Harry? [screaming] HELLLLLP!

Valerie Sanders:
[yanks the phone cord out of the wall] Sorry... wrong number.

Dr. DeLeon:
My God, don't you realize that woman is dangerous? She over-identifies with characters in movies, and acts them out. Sometimes with horrifying results!

Rhoda Wasserman:
Boy, and she seemed so sweet when we were watching TV in the lounge.

Dr. DeLeon:
Quickly, miss! Exactly what were you watching?

Rhoda Wasserman:
Uh, it was an old black-and-white movie about a guy in a dress.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Oh, uh... "Some Like It Hot"?

Rhoda Wasserman:
No... "Psycho"!

[Looks of horror all around]

Harry Stone:
Miss Sullivan, in this case I happen to think Dan is more qualified.

Christine Sullivan:
Why, because he has a pair of...

[notices Roz staring at her]

Christine Sullivan:
...pants?

Roz Russell:
Chicken!

Phil Sanders:
[suggesting a slogan for Dan's campaign for mayor] The Big Apple needs a worm like Fielding.

Harry Stone:
I don't even remember what we were fighting about.

Public Defender Christine Sullivan:
Yeah, me neither.

Bull Shannon:
Uh, Harry, you called her a flighty air-head, and Christine, you said he was a sexist pig flake.

Harry Stone:
Thank you so much, Bull.

[Fleeing the fire, the Night Court staff enters a building filled with bodies on tables]

Harry Stone:
This is... the morgue.

Chief Coroner Morton:
[looks over and notices them] Sorry, no walk-ins.

Harry Stone:
Well, we should be pretty safe until the fire team can rescue us. In the meantime, everybody try to stay calm.

[Christine immediately lets out a piercing scream as a shrouded corpse rises slowly from the table - then flips down the sheet]

Attendant Cal:
That always gets 'em. [laughs]

[Examining a dead body and speaking into a tape recorder]

Chief Coroner Morton:
Subject shows signs of internal bleeding, rupture of the kidney and pancreatic walls...

[takes a bite of a sandwich]

Chief Coroner Morton:
...and massive haemorraging.

Roz Russell:
[after winning a card game, Roz looks under the sheet at a corpse] And I thought I had a good poker face.

Chief Coroner Morton:
[Before attending to another issue, he says to Phil regarding a corpse] Put your finger right there.

Phil Sanders:
[Complies, then says to the corpse] Let me know if this hurts.

Art Fensterman:
It's probably not that important, sir, but remember the fourth floor?

Harry Stone:
yeah...

Art Fensterman:
It's not there anymore

Mac Robinson:
Great! Now we're trapped in the dark in a burning building, surrounded by dead bodies!

Hooker:
I got a client from Jersey who'd pay big bucks for this.

[after the State Assembly race is announced to be a tie by a single, last-minute vote, the voter's body is brought into the morgue]

Harry Stone:
What was it, a heart attack?

Attendant Cal:
Suicide.

[he hands Harry a folded note and raises his eyebrows at him]

Harry Stone:
[reading] "I can't stand living in this crummy city another day. So as a final gesture of my contempt for New York, I'm voting to put that scummy worm Dan Fielding into office. Fielding and New York deserve each other. Goodbye, and good riddance."

Phil Sanders:
[sniffles] What a tribute!

Bull Shannon:
Death is just Nature's way of telling you, "Hey, you're not alive anymore."

Bull Shannon:
[pinching the back of Dan's neck to relieve tension] Of course if you miss this spot a quarter inch either way, you could render a man blind or impotent.

[releases Dan]

Christine Sullivan:
Dan, are you okay?

Dan Fielding:
[looks at Christine] Well, I can see.

[Christine leans over at her desk to review some work. Dan's looking at her butt]

Dan Fielding:
Oh, yeah, I'm fine.

Bull Shannon:
[after Buddy introduces his friend, Dr. Dumont] Oh, a doctor. How's Buddy doing?

Dr. Dumont:
Well, he seems to be doing wonderfully lately.

Buddy Ryan:
Except for that Saran Wrap incident... but, I'm feeling much better now!

Christine:
[drunk] Buddy! Harry! I've gotta go! I've gotta stop him!

[She rushes to the door, and crashes into it]

Buddy Ryan:
I used to do that a lot. But I'm feeling much better now!

Harry Stone:
Miss Sullivan, you ever notice how guys like Marty Cologne always manage to find some loophole just so they can waltz out of here scot-free?

Christine Sullivan:
Well, still, that's no reason to let another man handle your gavel.

Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson:
[Mac needs help identifying sex toys] Hey Dan, you know this stuff?

Dan Fielding:
[big smile] Like the palm of my hand.

Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson:
[the motor of one of the sex toys is running] How do you turn it off?

Dan Fielding:
I don't know. I usually just fall asleep and let the batteries run down.

Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson:
[Mac and Dan are moved into the hallway by the toy in the box that has moved on its own] What do we do now?

Dan Fielding:
I don't know. It seems to have a mind of its own. [the toy follows an attractive woman. Dan follows the toy. To Mac] Hold my calls.

Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson:
[Dan carries a box of sex toys into the cafeteria; the toy short-circuited and is now smoking] I don't get it. How could it short-circuit?

Dan Fielding:
When that group of cheerleaders walked by, I guess it couldn't handle the pressure. Boy, I remember when "Made in America" meant something.

Roz Russell:
[Christine hiccups] Girl, what have you been drinking?

Christine Sullivan:
[waving it off] Scotch. Don't worry, I do *not* have a problem with alcohol. [she leaves the courtroom]

Roz Russell:
Where are you going?

Christine Sullivan:
To a bar on 4th Street!

Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson:
[to Roz] Probably one of those hormone things.

Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson:
[a drunk Christine, from a Long Island Iced Tea, is sunk into the sofa in Harry's office. Mac to Dan] What do you think we should do?

Dan Fielding:
[getting a sleazy idea] Well... [decides against it] Nah. On second thought, you know it's been my experience when they're this drunk... there's no challenge in it.

Harry Stone:
[explaining his meeting with Marty Cologne] This is part of a govnerment sting to catch some criminals who have been bribing judges.

Buddy Ryan:
Really? Then all that stuff Christine told me about your feeling alone, without any family, that was all part of the act?

Harry Stone:
Right.

Buddy Ryan:
[deep sigh] What a relief. And to think I almost told you that I was your father.

Harry Stone:
You mean my stepfather.

Buddy Ryan:
No, I mean your *real* father. But, now I guess there's no need to tell you.

Harry Stone:
What?

Buddy Ryan:
Hec, I always figured you'd be better off not knowing anyway, so you won't hear it from me.

Harry Stone:
Wait a minute, Buddy. You're trying to tell me that you are my *real* father?

Buddy Ryan:
Well since you brought it up... yeah.

Buddy Ryan:
With friends like these, who needs hallucinations?

Harry Stone:
[after finding out Buddy's his biological father] All right, Buddy, whatever you have to say, go ahead and lay it out. Nothing that you can say could possibly faze me now!

Buddy Ryan:
You were born in a *mental institution*!

Harry Stone:
...I stand corrected.

Rosalind Jane 'Roz' Russell:
[Roz and Bull enter the Harry's office with news. His and Buddy's hands are raised] Sir, you'll never guess who the killers are!

Harry Stone:
[Points behind the baliffs] The old couple.

Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
[When Bull and Roz turn to see the hitmen, Bull turns back to Harry] Hey, that's cheating!

Buddy Ryan:
Your mom was really pretty messed up when she first moved into the hospital. To give you an idea, *I* actually helped *her*. It was just the two of us. We clung to each other for support. And that support grew into friendship. And that friendship grew into love.

Harry Stone:
And that's... where I came into the picture.

Buddy Ryan:
Yeah.

Harry Stone:
Buddy, what I still don't understand is, why did you take so long to tell me this?

Buddy Ryan:
By the time I got out of the hospital, your mom was already married.

Harry Stone:
To Harry, Sr.

Buddy Ryan:
Yeah, he seemed like a pretty good guy.

Harry Stone:
Yeah, he was.

Buddy Ryan:
Sure, and as far as you knew, he was your dad. So, we figured it would be better if we waited until you were older before we told you. And then I had that little set-back with the Cheese Whiz... but I'm feeling much better now.

Harry Stone:
Buddy, you've been better for years. You could have told me this any number of times.

Buddy Ryan:
Well, I figured it would hurt your career if people found out your dad was, uh... half a bubble off.

Harry Stone:
Buddy...

Buddy Ryan:
Oh, no! You were a, you were a judge! You could go on to be mayor, or governor, or maybe even the guy who hosts the big Lotto Spin!

Harry Stone:
I'd appreciate your faith in me.

Buddy Ryan:
Hey. Even if you weren't the son I always knew I had you'd still be the son I always wished I wanted. So, I'm glad I have ya... son.

Harry Stone:
I can't think of a nicer or more confusing compliment.

[last lines]

Buddy Ryan:
Well, it's been quite an eventful day, Harry. Even by my standards. You sure you're all right?

Harry Stone:
Well, let's see. I got knocked around by an inept government agent, went through a severe identity crisis, and nearly got myself killed...

[grins at his father]

Harry Stone:
But I'm feeling *much* better now!

[Christine gingerly makes her way toward the courtroom]

Tim Bond:
Halt! No one enters the courtroom without being frisked!

Christine Sullivan:
[whispering] For your information, I happen to have an incredible hangover. So I'd really appreciate you're not...

[grabs his boutonniere microphone and yells into it]

Christine Sullivan:
SCREAMING IN MY EAR!

[Tim and all the other agents stagger, clutching their earwigs in pain]

Tim Bond:
Okay, that's it! Code Beige, Code Beige! Frisk her!

Christine Sullivan:
Oh, no you don't-!

[Two agents lift her by the arms and carry her down the hallway]

Christine Sullivan:
Oh, no! Get your mitts off me!

[at Tim]

Christine Sullivan:
YOU ARE DEAD MEAT, BUD!

Tim Bond:
[sighs] God, I love this job.

Rosalind Jane 'Roz' Russell:
[after Bull wrestles a purse from Dr. Dumont who is behaving like a dog] You got some slobber on your face.

Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
[Slides his tongue across his labiomental groove] No problem, it's mine. Well, anyway, at least we got Mrs. Perine's purse back.

Rosalind Jane 'Roz' Russell:
[Takes purse from Bull] Gee, this thing is heavy. Wonder what the hell she has in here. [pulls out a large pistol]

Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
Now, why would a sweet old lady need a .45 caliber handgun with a silencer?

Rosalind Jane 'Roz' Russell:
Are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?

Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
Probably not.

Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson:
[looking at Buddy's resume] What is this, Buddy? It says here you spent 1971 on a meditative sabbatical.

Buddy Ryan:
Well, Harry dreamed that one up.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Well, Buddy, we couldn't very well tell people that you spent a year trying to figure out ways to get Gilligan off the island.

Buddy Ryan:
I came up with 10,000 ideas.

Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson:
Ideas? Like, building a bamboo raft?

Buddy Ryan:
10,000 and one!

Bull Shannon:
Anybody know a cure for hiccups? *hic*

Dan Fielding:
Yes, staple your lips together.

Bull Shannon:
That didn't work *hic*

Buddy Ryan:
I think a man should work, so he can get up in the morning and look at himself in the mirror and say... 'Are my ears even?'

Christine Sullivan:
Your Honor, my client was merely trying to get in to see the mayor.

Harry Stone:
Why was that?

VHK-937:
[in a heroic pose] I'm here to save the world from the forces of evil!

Dan Fielding:
[mocking VHK's pose] Well you can't, so there!

Roz Russell:
[about the Montez brothers who have taken Dan hostage] I can pick them off clean from here, sir.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Without hitting Dan?

Roz Russell:
Oh, well, if you're gonna tie my hand!

Judge Harry T. Stone:
[trying to resolve the hostage situation in the courtroom from the hallway] Okay, there's no time to spare. Mac you call...

Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson:
[way ahead of Harry] Call the SWAT team and see if VHK-937 is a known alias. [he leaves]

Judge Harry T. Stone:
And Roz, you check the local...

Roz Russell:
[way ahead of Harry] Check the local mental hospitals and see if they're missing any patients with a laser gun. [she leaves]

Judge Harry T. Stone:
[Harry's alone, so basically to no one]... Don't just stand there guys. Get moving.

Buddy Ryan:
[about Bull's hiccups] Have you tried holding your breath?

Bull Shannon:
That works?

Buddy Ryan:
It always did for me. And it's loads of fun. That's how I had my first hallucination.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Surely, murder is not the only answer.

VHK-937:
Alright. We'll give them a choice. [to Dan and the Montez bros] Death or castration?

Dan Fielding, Chico Montez, Pico Montez:
[brief pause, but the obvious answer] Death.

Christine Sullivan:
Dan, I can't sleep with you!

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
I understand. There's no reason you should feel obligated.

Christine Sullivan:
There isn't?

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
No, of course not. I mean, after all, what did I do but... grab you from the jaws of death, moments before an agonizing demise?

[Dan's assignation with Christine is interrupted by a jumper on the balcony]

Christine Sullivan:
What are you doing out there?

Cyril Phelps:
Isn't it obvious? I'm plunging to my death!

Christine Sullivan:
You can't do that!

Cyril Phelps:
Why?

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
Yeah, why?

Christine Sullivan:
Mr. Phelps, why are you doing this?

Cyril Phelps:
Because, uh, I'm thirty-eight years old...

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
[pouring a glass of champagne] Well, so am I!

Cyril Phelps:
And I'm a virgin.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
[lifts the glass] Happy landings.

Harry Stone:
[Reading instructions] Step 1, give a swift blow to the victim's back. Step 2, remove any foreign object from the victim's mouth.

Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson:
Step 3, loosen constrictive clothing. [All eyes go to Dan]

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
[Christine looks beneath her coat, and shrieks. Dan pulls out her garments] Better to be safe than sorry.

Christine Sullivan:
Dan, you saved my life.

Harry Stone:
Miss Sullivan, he felt you up.

Christine Sullivan:
Dan, how can I possibly repay you?

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
[Initially laughs it off, until... ] Sleep with me.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Listen, Dan is just using this as an excuse to hit on you.

Christine Sullivan:
I know that! But he saved my life, Your Honor, he rescued me...

Judge Harry T. Stone:
[dramatically] From the jaws of death moments before an agonizing demise!

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
Ow!

[everyone looks at him]

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
Oh, I'm fine, it's okay, never mind. I must have just pulled my back out when I carried Christine's prone, lifeless body to safety.

Christine Sullivan:
In conclusion, Your Honor, I would like to state that even though my client has pleaded guilty... uh... we would like to, uh... request a suspended sentence due to the circumstances... Your Honor! May I request that the prosecutor refrain from ogling me during my closing statements?

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Sustained. Does the prosecutor have anything pertinent to add?

[Dan lets out a lascivious growl]

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Let the record show the prosecution exhaled wantonly.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
[taps Christine on the shoulder] Miss Sullivan...

Christine Sullivan:
[jumps] Agh, don't touch me!

Judge Harry T. Stone:
[to the crowd] We're trying to get her to switch to decaf.

Christine Sullivan:
I'm sorry, Your Honor, I'm a little bit on edge.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
No, no, no. Lizzie Borden was a little bit on edge. You are downright freaked.

Dan Fielding:
[Dan is calling around for a Halloween costume. Listens to a clerk on the phone. To Florence] What's a Smurf?

Florence Kleiner:
Imagine your cat threw up a blue hairball that talked.

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
[sorting his rubber snakes] Lethal, non-lethal... lethal, non-lethal...

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
Hello! Who are you?

Kimberley Daniels:
Kimberley. Kimberley Daniels. My friends call me Kim.

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
[shaking hands] Harry, Harry Stone. My friends call me Shecky. I gotta get new friends.

Kimberley Daniels:
Well...

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
Uh, lets cut out the formalities. What can I do, to make you fall hopelessly in love with me?

Kimberley Daniels:
Direct me to traffic court.

Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
Sir, I finished my pumpkin. [Turns pumpkin around]

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
Bull, it looks like you just punched it with your fist.

Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
I did.

Mac Robinson:
Why didn't you use a knife, Bull?

Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
Hey, what a great idea.

Dan Fielding:
Objection.

Harry Stone:
Overruled.

Dan Fielding:
Exception.

Harry Stone:
Noted.

Dan Fielding:
Frustration.

Harry Stone:
Vented.

Irene:
Harry, I can't help feeling that my life would have been different if only I had met you twenty years ago.

Harry Stone:
I know mine would have. I was fourteen.

Woman:
[to Dan, behind the line] Hey, man! you know the judge?

Dan Fielding:
Hey woman! Yes I do.

[Harry is pacing while Dan is watching one of Diane's movies]

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
What should I do?

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
[staring at the screen] I don't know, but I'd say you're incredibly lucky.

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
You! You, of all people, should have recognized her!

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
I'm sorry, Harry. The clothes threw me.

[Diane doesn't believe that Harry's really a judge]

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
Hey, Bull!

[stands up straight with his fists on his hips]

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
Who am I?

Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
[after a pause] You're Superman.

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
No, no, I mean in real life.

Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
Oh, Clark Kent.

Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
[Because his fingers are glued to his head, Bull can't eat. When Harry breaks a cracker trying to feed him, Bull says] You blitzed my Ritz! Cracked my snack! Put a dento in my pimento!

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
[Turns down the award] I'm sorry. I can't accept this.

M.C.:
What?

Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
[Stands in the audience] HE SAID HE CAN'T ACCEPT IT!

Bull Shannon:
[Being questioned by Judge Willard about his opinion of Harry] I'd take a bullet between the eyes for that man. I'd throw myself on a live grenade to save his life. I'd hammer a nail into my skull if he asked me to.

Bull Shannon:
[Bull steps down after giving his testimony. To Harry] I tried to look menacing.

Harry Stone:
[Proudly] A little more work and I think you'll have it.

Judge Martin A. Landis:
You a Shriner, Stone?

Harry Stone:
No, I picked that up at the Goodwill in the Village.

Judge Martin A. Landis:
That's where I got my Captain Video helmet!

Harry Stone:
You got a Captain Video helmet?

Judge Martin A. Landis:
You didn't invent whimsy, you know. I'm not senile, Stone, I've been like this for fifty years. So even if I do become senile, people will never know. Come to think of it, I won't know either, will I?

Harry Stone:
Listen, Judge Landis...

Judge Martin A. Landis:
Shut up, I'm old, I can talk as long as I want.

Harry Stone:
Carla, I already quit, you can't tell them anything.

Carla B.:
You're not a judge now, you can't tell me what to do anymore.

Judge Martin A. Landis:
She's got you by the statutes there, Stone!

Judge Martin A. Landis:
Judge Stone, will you be represented by counsel?

Judge Harry T. Stone:
I will be representing myself, Your Honor.

Judge Martin A. Landis:
"He who represents himself has a fool for a client." Who said that?

Judge Robert Willard:
Oliver Wendell Holmes.

Judge Martin A. Landis:
Who cares?

Judge Robert Willard:
[at Harry's Judicial Review] Excuse me, Judge Landis. We're ready to begin.

Judge Martin A. Landis:
[appears to be reviewing documentation] Just a moment.

Judge Martin A. Landis:
[shows a "Highlights" magazine to Judge Willard] Can you find the hippo in this picture?

Judge Martin A. Landis:
Do you understand the charges brought against you and the jeopardy involved?

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Yes sir, I do.

Judge Martin A. Landis:
Well you're one up on me.

Judge Robert Willard:
On July 12th of this year, didn't the defendant, claiming quote, "This courtroom ain't big enough for the two of us," unquote, squirt you in the face with a water pistol in open court?

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
That date again?

Judge Robert Willard:
Just answer the question.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
Well yes he did, but it was an accident. He was aiming for my briefcase. [Judge Landis laughs]

Judge Martin A. Landis:
[Dan laughs. Then the judge orders-] Shut up.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
Right.

Judge Martin A. Landis:
[Bull sits in the witness seat, but as tall as he is Landis thinks he's still standing] You may be seated.

Bull Shannon:
I am seated.

Judge Martin A. Landis:
...Oh yes, so you are.

Bull Shannon:
I'd take a bullet between the eyes for that man. I'd jump on a live grenade to save his life. I'd hammer a nail through my skull if he asked me to.

[pickup line]

Dan Fielding:
Me Tarzan, you lucky.

Harry Stone:
[quickly] You see, after I found out she was married I tried to grab my clothes but they were thrown out the window, then I tried to grab my robe which was hanging on a scaffold, then my underwear got caught on a nail and then they blew away.

Bull Shannon:
I hate when that happens.

Harry Stone:
Why didn't she just come to me instead of set me up like that?

Roz Russell:
Maybe she was so distraught she didn't realize she was hurting you in the process.

Harry Stone:
Yeah, maybe.

Roz Russell:
Or...

Harry Stone:
Or?

Roz Russell:
Your animal magnetism has been driving her insane for years. And in the presence of the beast, her libido exploded in a frezy of desire few of us will ever experience even once in our lifetimes.

Harry Stone:
You got a big raise coming.

[Harry is mending fences between his ex-girlfriend and her estranged husband]

Harry Stone:
Sheldon, you work hard, right?

Sheldon:
Yeah.

Harry Stone:
To make money, so she'll have things.

Sheldon:
Yeah.

Harry Stone:
So she'll have security, and she'll be proud of you.

Sheldon:
Yeah!

Harry Stone:
[to Leslie] And you hate his hours.

Leslie:
Right!

Harry Stone:
Because he's important to you, and you wish you were important to him.

Leslie:
Yeah.

Harry Stone:
And you miss him, and you wish he didn't have to work so hard.

Leslie:
Yeah!

Harry Stone:
So what we have here is a husband who wants his wife to have everything, and a wife who wants him more than anything he can give her. You know, if I didn't know better, I'd say you two were in love.

Christine:
Where's Judge Stone?

Leslie:
He's, uh... out on the ledge.

Christine:
Oh, please. You expect me to believe a municipal court judge is cowering out on a ledge?

Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson:
[gleefully] That's what he's doing, all right! [out the window] Good evening, sir!

Harry Stone:
Hi there, Mac. I suppose you're wondering why I'm naked out here on the ledge.

Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson:
Oh, no sir, no sir. I was wondering if I needed a flash. [he raises a camera and snaps a shot]

Mario:
[who's been fixing Harry's suit of armor] Judge, I got your codpiece ready... whoa, just in time!

Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson:
[offering the codpiece] Sir, you want to put on something more comfortable? Ha ha ha...

Harry Stone:
You don't really have to enjoy this so much.

Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson:
Oh, yes I do, sir!

Harry Stone:
And, uh, Dan?

[behind Harry, Dan stops, arrested in the act of ducking out of the courtroom]

Harry Stone:
If you are entertaining any thoughts about sneaking out, Bull has prepared a demonstration which I think will enlighten you.

[Roz places a bowling ball into Bull's hand. He slams his other hand down on it, crushing it to powder]

Dan Fielding:
Your squish is my command.

Dolly:
Oh, Danny! This is so exciting! I've never done it in a judge's office! How did you get a key?

Dan Fielding:
Well, when the judge wasn't looking, I "borrowed" his and made a wax impression of it.

[They are unaware that Harry is trapped on the ledge outside, and can hear every word.]

Dolly:
Oh-ho! Would he be mad if he found out?

Dan Fielding:
Hey, what Howdy Doody doesn't know, won't hurt me.

[trying to explain to Leslie's husband about the confusion]

Harry Stone:
And, and then this guy came in...

[turns to Dan]

Harry Stone:
With a key that *Howdy Doody* did not give him!

Dan Fielding:
Boy, this has been grand... but, uh, we have a clothing-optional RV show we have to get to.

Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
[Bull drunkenly staggers to the courtroom entrance. He looks back and gives an awkward wave gesturing people to join him. A group of circus performers surrounds him. To all in the courtroom] Meet the gang.

Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
What's life all about, Harry?

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
I don't know, Bull. I don't know why we live. I don't know why we die. All I do know is that as long as we're here we need to hold on to each other real tight. [he hugs Bull]

Bailiff Florence Kleiner:
[enters Harry's chambers and sees the hugging] In case you were wondering, the music has stopped.

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
[releases Bull and addresses Florence] Can I help you?

Bailiff Florence Kleiner:
I'm here for the job.

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
What job is that?

Bailiff Florence Kleiner:
[indicating her bailiff uniform] What is this, a wet suit?

Bailiff Florence Kleiner:
[Her very first impression of Bull] You are a weird man.

Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
[Taking an immediate liking to her he laughs. Then] Can I keep her, Harry?

Bailiff Florence Kleiner:
Why do I suddenly feel like a hamster?

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
It's a long story.

Bailiff Florence Kleiner:
I don't wanna hear it.

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
You're hired.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Bob and June Wheeler, ya Yugoslavian recidivist knuckleheads, you! What the heck brings you by?

Mac Robinson:
They were picked up on a 509-B violation, sir.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
509?

Mac Robinson:
Uh-huh.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
B?

Mac Robinson:
Yep.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
I don't believe I'm familiar with that one.

Dan Fielding:
Well, sir, it's not used in Manhattan very much. It refers to the illegal detonation of... poultry.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Excuse me, but I didn't think that chickens were among our more widely-used explosives.

Christine Sullivan:
Sir, the Wheelers were merely trying their hand at egg-farming. They ran into a bit of difficulty with a propane-powered incubator.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
So all the would-be chicks are now...

Dan Fielding:
Quiche, yes sir.

Dan Fielding:
Wait a minute, you're carrying 250,000 bucks around in a coffee can?

Bob Wheeler:
No, just half of it. June's hiding the rest in her brassiere.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Looks like June is busting out all over.

Mac Robinson:
Dan, you know, I could call a friend of mine at the committee office to see if you made the list.

Dan Fielding:
That would be great!

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Mac, is there anyplace on this planet where you don't have a friend working?

[a Samoan man in grass skirts runs in]

Man:
Here's that file you wanted, Mac.

[He runs out. Everyone turns to Mac]

Mac Robinson:
Manu Hanrulima.

[smiles]

Mac Robinson:
"Biff" to his friends.

[Dan is mistakenly sent a singing telegram congratulating him on being nominated to be a judge; he loses control and starts throttling the messenger]

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Dan, Dan! Murdering this man is not the answer... even though we would all really enjoy watching you do it. Dan... you-must-let-Timmy-live!

Dan Fielding:
I guess there aren't too many guys stupid enough to pay $900 for a Snickers bar, huh?

[He laughs, then turns and sees Bull, arrested in the motion of biting into a Snickers bar]

Dan Fielding:
He's gonna play show-and-tell with my vital organs, isn't he?

Roz Russell:
Kind of a hollow feeling, huh?

Harry Stone:
[Dan is suddenly being nice to Christine] Mac, do you notice a change in the suck-up wind?

Mac Robinson:
'Bout ripped my eyebrows off, sir.

Public Defender Christine Sullivan:
There's got to be a way to get your job back.

Harry Stone:
Like What? Like it turns out I'm on Dallas and I've been dreaming all of this?

Mac Robinson:
I cannot believe this is Harry's last day on the job. It won't be the same without him. No more whoopee-cushions in the jury box...

Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
No more courtroom hoot n' nannying...

Roz Russell:
No more Jane Pauley look-alike contests... I never did get my trophy.

Mac Robinson:
Oh, poor Harry. This whole thing must have him really depressed.

Harry Stone:
Gangway!

[Harry streaks out of the cafeteria kitchen on roller skates, wearing a jet pack made from a fire extinguisher. He speeds out of the cafeteria - CRASH! Everyone gets up]

Bob Wheeler:
Don't worry! Don't worry, he's all right. The girl scouts broke his fall.

Harry Stone:
Wow! My yak hair arrived! My yak hair arrived!

[on Christine's first day as a judge, Bull brings in the next defendant, who is sobbing piteously]

Mr. Fengler:
Please, let me go! Let me out of here!

Bull Shannon:
Sir, please calm down. You're among friends. Friends who wear badges, and search your body cavities, but friends nonetheless.

Mr. Fengler:
You don't understand, this is a mistake, please, somebody help me!

Christine Sullivan:
Oh, don't worry, sir, I'll help you!

[everyone stares at her]

Christine Sullivan:
I-I mean, I'll do everything in my power to see that you receive a fair trial. Um, Mr. Prosecutor?

Dan Fielding:
Yes, Your Honor, Ye Olde Town Crier here robbed yon convenience store, and stuffed the booty in his jerkin, forsooth.

Mr. Fengler:
I'm sorry, I just haven't had a square meal in days, and when I saw all that food in the window, I snapped.

Christine Sullivan:
Oh, you poor thing!

Dan Fielding:
Oh yes, the poor thing almost had to eat the SHOT GUN he had with him!

Christine Sullivan:
You had a shotgun?

Mr. Fengler:
A little one.

Dan Fielding:
The term is "sawed-off"!

Public Defender Christine Sullivan:
[desperately trying to distract Fenton] Is there something in my eye?

Gary Fenton:
Yes. Broccoli.

[Koenig knocks on Harry's door]

Harry Stone:
[sing-song] Who is it?

Mr. Koenig:
[sarcastically sing-song] It's the landlord!

Harry Stone:
[still sing-song] Just a minute!

[while Mr. Koenig is waiting outside Harry's apartment, an explosion is heard inside. Harry comes out, his face black with soot, and coughs out a cloud of smoke]

Harry Stone:
[polite] Yes?

Mr. Koenig:
I want you and your exploding yak hair out of that apartment now, or I'm calling the cops!

Harry Stone:
Mr. Koenig, I've paid you two months rent, and a substantial security deposit, so if you want me out that'll be three months of eviction proceedings, during which time you're not gonna see a penny of rent, and when it finally goes to trial, I'm gonna testify under oath that you and I have been involved in a torrid love affair.

[He leans forward and pecks Mr. Koenig on the nose, takes his package from Koenig's stunned hand, and exits into his apartment]

Roz Russell:
Someone a little nervous about her first day on the job?

Christine Sullivan:
[twitching madly] Nervous? What makes you think I'm nervous?

Roz Russell:
Because you're acting just the way Bull did the time he dropped his ant farm down his pants.

Bull Shannon:
Except you're not laughing.

[Gary Fenton awakens after being knocked out. The first thing he sees is Bull's face, closely observing him]

Bull Shannon:
[creepy voice] We've been waiting for you, Mr. Fenton.

[Fenton cries out and faints. Bull looks up, puzzled]

Bull Shannon:
[normal voice] Boy, he looks like he just saw a ghost.

Rosalind Jane 'Roz' Russell:
Come back in here, Dan.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
No!

[Dan is shown hiding on the sill of the window outside Harry's office]

Bull Shannon:
Dan, are you going to make me do this the hard way?

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
Yes!

Bull Shannon:
Gooooooood.

[seizes Dan by his belt and hauls him inside]

Judge Crockett:
Raise your right hand.

[Mac grabs Harry's right hand and holds it up; Christine grabs his left and slaps it down on the Bible]

Judge Crockett:
[raising his right hand] You planning to shoot anyone?

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
No...

Judge Crockett:
Fine, you're a judge again, good night!

[on a busy night at the hospital, a podiatrist is sent to Mac and Quon Le's hospital room, while she is in labor]

Doctor Aidleman:
Good lord, this woman is pregnant!

Christine Sullivan:
Oh, don't tell me you've never delivered a baby before?

Doctor Aidleman:
[sarcastic] Well, just how many people who *aren't* obstetricians have?

[Raised hands from Christine, Harry, Mac, Bull, and Dan]

Doctor Aidleman:
What are you? Some kind of a cult?

[swearing in a group of new citizens]

Judge Harry Stone:
You've all gone through a lot to reach here. You've learned our history, our culture, our secret handshake...

[confused murmur]

Judge Harry Stone:
Well, you have learned our secret handshake, haven't you?

[more confused murmuring]

Judge Harry Stone:
Ha-ha-ha! No, there's no secret handshake! I was just kidding!

Clinton:
I stuffed myself into the dashboard of a Datsun to get here, and he's *kidding*?

Roz:
It's his inalienable right to make an ass of himself.

Vega:
God, he's good!

Judge Harry Stone:
[about the immigrants] Mac, who are these people?

Bhakti:
We are the world.

Roz:
What do you do for a living?

Clinton:
Before I came to the US, president.

Roz:
Of what company?

Clinton:
I was president of my country.

Roz:
You were president of an entire country?

Clinton:
Until the revolution. Officially my title was President for Life, First Minister, Defender of the Constitution, Prince Regent, and Protector of the Realm.

Roz:
And now?

Clinton:
Night manager of a 7 Eleven.

Dan Fielding:
[about Mac's newborn baby] It's a girl, Mac.

Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson:
It's a girl! Get away from my daughter, Dan.

Harry Stone:
And what's the people's problem with Papaya Patty, Mr. Prosecutor?

Dan Fielding:
Papaya Patty was pinched for panhandling in a public park.

Harry Stone:
Pshaw! Well, Mr. Prosecutor, shall we pass along Papaya Patty's problem to Public Housing?

Dan Fielding:
Perfect, partner.

Harry Stone:
Recess!

[bangs gavel]

Christine Sullivan:
Oh, Dad, you are such a sweet, sensitive, thoughtful person... why is it I want to rip your ears off sometime?

Jack Sullivan:
Your mother used to always ask me the same thing.

[a group of circus geeks has been brought in for alleged lewd conduct; after hearing the facts of the case]

Harry Stone:
Mrs. Cooper, this is certainly a most serious and sobering charge...

[motioning "one second," he ducks his head under the bench and laughs hysterically; then he re-appears, perfectly sober]

Harry Stone:
Nevertheless... I don't really see where any law has been broken.

Christine Sullivan:
My personal life is my own business.

Dan Fielding:
Here's a list of all the dates your daughter's had in the last six months. They're cross-referenced as to age, occupation, and what time they got home.

Jack Sullivan:
Good man, Fielding.

Christine Sullivan:
What is this? Why does everyone think they have a right to pry into my private affairs?

Dan Fielding:
Well, shove an ice pick up our noses for caring about you!

Jack Sullivan:
I couldn't have said it better myself, Dan.

Dan Fielding:
Jack listen. I just want to take this opportunity to wish you a glorious and joyous sojourn into retirement. [Salutes Jack] Bon voyage, cabbie.

Jack Sullivan:
Thank you, buddy. You're a wonderful, caring human being. [Dan takes this opportunity to hug Jack and immaturely stick his tongue out at Christine]

Christine Sullivan:
[Christine's upset that Dan's hanging out at her apartment as Jack's friend] I suspect he's been poking through my dresser drawers.

Dan Fielding:
That is an unsubstantiated assault upon my good name. [to Harry] The woman uses a bra tree.

Harry Stone:
Is it wood or that new space-age plastic?

Christine Sullivan:
Stop it! I will not have my underwear dragged through the gutter!

Dan Fielding:
Too late.

Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson:
You know, I hate to disturb this stroll down mammary lane, but our defendants are guaranteed a speedy trial.

Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson:
[Dan groans from beneath the bearded lady] It's Dan!

Roz:
And he's been neatly pressed! You okay, Dan? Dan? Dan!

[Dan comes to and cries out in shock]

Roz:
Dan it's okay. It's all over, now. What happened?

Dan Fielding:
[to Roz] I was... *Shamued*!

[a minute later, to Bull]

Dan Fielding:
It was a nightmare, Bull! I came in here to check on Jack. All of a sudden, I'm eating four hundred pounds of cellulite!

Bull Shannon:
But Dan it's over, now! Why are you so upset?

Dan Fielding:
*Because*... I liked it!

Jack Sullivan:
You know that your mother and I dated for a long time. I wanted like hell to propose to her, but I was always broke, and... well, anyway, one day we're at Coney Island. I had eight hot dogs, six candy apples, and a pound of cotton candy - I threw up three times.

Christine Sullivan:
In other words, you had a great time.

Jack Sullivan:
The best!

Officer Tommy:
I haven't been on the force for very long. In fact a week from today it'll be... [checks watch] a week.

Dan Fielding:
Are we feeling a weentsy-bitsy bitchy today?

Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
[sees Harry crying] What happened?

Bailiff Florence Kleiner:
Harry's crushed that Manilow and Torme did an album together.

Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
I felt the same way when Alvin and the Chipmunks broke up.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
What are you folks doing here? I thought you went back home to West Virginia.

Bob Wheeler:
Sir, we're not from West Virginia.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
You're not?

June Wheeler:
No, sir. We perjured ourselves.

Bob Wheeler:
And we lied, too.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Why did you pick West Virginia?

Bob Wheeler:
I don't know. It was the first exotic place that popped into my head.

Christine Sullivan:
Well then, where are you from?

June Wheeler:
Isn't the accent obvious?

Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson:
You mean you're from...

Bob Wheeler:
Yugoslavia.

Benet Collins:
I don't need any help and I don't need any pity. And I certainly don't need you.

Dan Fielding:
Fine. Listen, I'll just be over there in the corner beating myself to death with a boy scout manual

Benet Collins:
Let me know if you need any *help.*

Dan Fielding:
Yeah, well I hope it's a boy and he grows up to be just like ME!

[Harry grins on hearing the storm named "Hurricane Mel."]

Bailiff Florence Kleiner:
The truth, Your Honor: you rooting for humanity or the storm?

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Come on, Flo, get serious! That's a devastating hurricane out there. It's got a hundred-fifty mile an hour winds!

[pause]

Judge Harry T. Stone:
[grins] Betcha Manilow never even had a stiff gust named after him!

Bailiff Florence Kleiner:
Stop the world, I wanna get off.

[after Christine tells Harry that Mel Torme and Barry Manilow did an album together]

Judge Harry T. Stone:
That is a desperately sick lie!

Christine Sullivan:
That... is the truth.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Mac, say it ain't so.

Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson:
It's so.

[Harry cries on his shoulder]

Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
My mother used to tell me that thunder was just the sound God makes when he gets a strike in bowling.

Bailiff Florence Kleiner:
That's cute. What happened when you found out?

Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
When I found out what?

[crash of thunder]

Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
Gosh, he's good.

Bailiff Florence Kleiner:
He's got His own ball.

Dan Fielding:
Tommy get me some surgical gloves.

Officer Tommy:
From where?

Dan Fielding:
My briefcase, top pocket. [Smiles at Benet Collins] Great, now I can deduct them.

Dan Fielding:
You see, my parents were... rural.

Benet Collins:
My parents were rural.

Dan Fielding:
They kept the pigs in my room. I was six before I realized they weren't related to me.

Man:
Why is the sky blue?

Harry Stone:
Because if it was green, we wouldn't know where to stop mowing.

[Dan is assisting a woman in labor]

Benet Collins:
Try pulling a Cabbage Patch Doll through your nostrils, see what kind of sound you make!

Dan Fielding:
That's it, just let it all out.

Benet Collins:
Oh, if you don't like it, you can leave! I told you before, I don't need anyone!

Dan Fielding:
Oh fine, I'll just go get you a mirror and some salad tongs, and you can do this yourself.

Benet Collins:
[wanting to know the sex of the baby] What is it?

Officer Tommy:
[innocently states the obvious] It's a baby. And it's naked.

Dan Fielding:
It's a boy. [takes another look] He's got a promising future.

Harry Stone:
Mac!

Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson:
Yo?

Harry Stone:
Get some bandages, blankets, cotton, and string! Miss Sullivan!

Christine Sullivan:
Sir!

Harry Stone:
What am I gonna do with all that stuff that Mac brings?

Christine Sullivan:
[as one mother's baby is born] Your Honor, look!

Harry Stone:
What is it, Miss Sullivan?

June Wheeler:
[to Bob about the judge] Good lord, he's a virgin!

Chad:
[explaining to Harry why Babs is 'enraged' while she's in labor] They told us in class, under this kind of stress a woman can say totally outrageous things. Things totally alien to her character.

Babs Townsend:
I hate my Volvo! I want a *Trans Am*!

Chad:
Gee, it still doesn't prepare you for the shock, though.

Bull Shannon:
[delivering a baby] Look at the grin on that kid's face!

Florence Kleiner:
Bull... That ain't his face. And that ain't no grin.

Stanley's Wife:
It's a breech baby?

Stanley:
[shrieking] A breech baby?

Florence Kleiner:
Stay on your feet, Stanley, or I'll knock you cold!

Bob Wheeler:
[explains to Paco that his 'son' is a girl] Baby Bob es el... transexual.

Harry Stone:
[Mac brings a marriage license for Chad and Babs and needs Harry to sign it. Harry is still delivering their baby] Mac I am holding a fragile human life in my hands! [pause] Put the pen in my mouth. [he signs it]

Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson:
[reviewing the signature that should read 'Harry Stone'] Howie... Stallone?

Stanley's Wife:
Do you love her, Stanley?

Stanley:
That's a stupid question. Of course I love her. She's daddy's little girl.

Florence Kleiner:
Your Honor, I found a medical book. There's a chapter on emergency childbirth.

Harry Stone:
That's great! Make four copies of that and get them to everybody.

Florence Kleiner:
[turns away] I'll get right on it.

Harry Stone:
Flo!

Florence Kleiner:
What?

Harry Stone:
What's the first thing it says to do?

Florence Kleiner:
[reads] Uh, "keep the mother from panicking."

[while his wife is in labor on the courtroom floor, Stanley lets out a howl of sheer panic, then his eyes roll up and he faints dead away beside her]

Florence Kleiner:
God, let's hope they're all that considerate.

[while Bull is delivering Stanley's baby]

Bull Shannon:
Flo, quick! I need something to wrap him in!

Florence Kleiner:
Here, use this.

Stanley:
The New York Times?

Florence Kleiner:
The book says a clean newspaper is very sanitary.

Stanley:
Well... okay, but use the sports section.

Florence Kleiner:
You already bought him a mitt, didn't you?

[Stanley sheepishly looks at a thimble-sized baseball mitt on the end of his finger]

Bob Wheeler:
You got any children Ms. Sullivan?

Christine Sullivan:
No.

Bob Wheeler:
Ever had a man?

Christine Sullivan:
Of course I've had a man. If I had a nickel for every man I've had... I'd have a dime.

Benet Collins:
Hi, everybody. I'd like for all of you to say hello to my new son, Reinhold.

Florence Kleiner:
[with everyone puzzled] Reinhold?

Benet Collins:
Uh-huh.

Florence Kleiner:
Reinhold?

Benet Collins:
Uh, were we interrupting something?

Harry Stone:
No, not at all. I was about to toast to your children. May they live long and prosper.

All:
[raising their glasses of Cherry Kool-Aid] Cheers.

Harry Stone:
Ah, and now, if you will excuse me...

Harry Stone:
[stepping out into the hallway] Reinhold? [grimacing in disbelief]

Harry Stone:
[in the courtroom, looking up at the cross-shaped basketball net] Can we talk? As you probably know... I-I don't subscribe to any particular organized religion. But then maybe neither do you, huh? All right, I confess. I've had more than my share of spiritual doubt. But then I've see some pretty glaring examples of man's inhumanity to man come stomping through here night after night. After night. You remember that guy? Yeah. You remember everything, don't you? Well, I'm telling you, that one just about shook - Shook my faith down to its foundation. And then... you drop a brand-new life right into my hands. Well, if I could just have the answer to a couple of questions. Like, if you've always been here, then where did you come from? And does man have the capacity to rid himself of his own evil? Any why is the sky blue? Well, I can look that one up. But this baby stuff, boy... I'm telling you, that is not a cosmic accident. I mean, you gave us Mozart. Van Gogh. Confucius. Dr. Martin Luther King. And Larry Bird! [pulls a basketball out of his robe and tosses it into the net. SWISH]

Harry Stone:
Dan, Al doesn't talk to people.

Dan Fielding:
Oh. [to Al] Nice blinking with you.

Harry Stone:
[Al wants a noogie. Harry obliges followed by a blank expression from Al] It's worth it just to see your face light up like that.

Judge Harrison Kemp:
Just who are you restraining, Mister?

Harry Stone:
It's not Mister, it's Judge Harold T. Stone.

Judge Harrison Kemp:
Do you expect me to believe a man who wears a tie like that?

Judge Harrison Kemp:
[Al rubs the judge's head] Let the record show I was... noogied.

Al:
I don't know what's real anymore... When I was young, my mother told me Santa Claus was real. But when I got older- she told me he wasn't. One book says Jesus is real: one book says he isn't. We're living in the greatest country in the world! and we're murdering each other in the streets. What did they expect when they made us believe in the tooth fairy and the easter bunny then gave us the nuclear bomb to play with... Hey diddle diddle the cat and the fiddle is a lie like all the rest, the astronauts killed the man in the moon, growing up took care of the rest.

Dan Fielding:
[after confessing he destroyed Harry's collection of Mel Torme albums] Harry, here it is in a nutshell. Mel Torme is in your office right now! He wanted to leave but I couldn't let him, so I locked him up with your trick shackles!

Harry Stone:
I don't have any trick shackles. Those are real, and I don't have a key!

Dan Fielding:
Oh! Then I just managed to kidnap a well known jazz artist. Gotta go, bye!

Bull Shannon:
So, Mr. Torme, how did you like your tour of the morgue?

Mel Torme:
[emotional and wiping his brow] Very educational.

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
Say, wasn't this a Japanese restaurant yesterday?

Papa Jack:
Say you've got a sharp eye for detail, don't you?

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
So I've been told.

Papa Jack:
Everybody calls me 'Papa Jack.'

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
Why?

Papa Jack:
Why? [laughs like it's a ridiculous question, but abruptly stops to wonder] I don't know why.

Public Defender Billie Young:
[wondering if Harry likes the 'specialty' of the restaurant] So, what's the verdict?

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
[after Harry dashes from the table with stomach pain] Manslaughter.

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
[when the gang comes into Harry's office to see how he's doing after his examination] The man said I got a little pain in my tummy, that's all.

Gynecologist:
That's not what I said, Judge. This doesn't sound like simple indigestion to me. In my opinion, you should see a doctor right away.

Public Defender Billie Young:
Well, you're a doctor, aren't you?

Gynecologist:
Gynecologist.

Gynecologist:
How often do you get these pains, Judge?

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
Every now and then.

Gynecologist:
Once a week? Once a day?

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
We'll want to know when they're five minutes apart, Harry.

Gynecologist:
[to Harry] You really should be seen by a specialist. It's been years since I've...

Bailiff Selma Hacker:
Been with a man?

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
Sir, if anything should happen to you...

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
I'll see you get my parking space.

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
I read that the Detroit Lions have a new stadium. They got a dome, Mac.

Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson:
Isn't that a breath of fresh air, sir?

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
Now you can have the Lions hosting the Chicago Bears at the new stadium. Then across town the Detroit baseball team could be playing. Then you know who's all playing at once? Lions and Tigers and Bears.

Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson:
Oh my!

Kenny:
[at the hospital] You're the third person in that bed in two days.

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
What happened?

Kenny:
The angel of death took them all. Here's to you making it through the night.

Kenny:
Harry, it's getting stuffy in here.

Public Defender Billie Young:
Then stop breathing.

Kenny:
I'll try that.

Public Defender Billie Young:
[after wrestling him back into his hospital bed because he's afraid of the hospital] I don't want you out of my life yet. You just got here.

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
Billie, what you seem to be saying is...

Kenny:
[from behind his curtain] She wants to jump your bones, Harry! [he raises the curtain and is surprised at their position] By golly, I called that one, didn't I?

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
So Doc, what's the good word?

Dr. Glass:
Surgery.

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
That was a rhetorical question.

Dr. Glass:
The sooner we pull it out, the better.

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
Pull what out?

Dr. Glass:
[shining a light through the x-ray] There it is, right there.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
Tumor?

Bailiff Selma Hacker:
Ulcer?

Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
Whistle?

Dr. Glass:
[points to Bull] We have a winner.

Public Defender Billie Young:
It's a whistle?

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
That's where it is. I must have swallowed it.

Dr. Glass:
That would be my guess, yes.

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
You know 'Zippy Bits,' that breakfast cereal that promises a free circus whistle in each box? Well I bought a box, polished off the whole thing. No whistle. I even called them. They said there was a whistle in every box. Guess they were right.

Public Defender Billie Young:
You mean he's been carrying around a piece of plastic in his stomach all these years?

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
No, about three weeks.

Public Defender Billie Young:
'Zippy Bits'! I opened myself up to him... over 'Zippy Bits'!

Bailiff Selma Hacker:
I did it once for a piece of chocolate and a pair of nylons.

[Papa Jack brings a basket of squid on fire to the table]

Papa Jack:
I hope that everybody's hungry.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
Oh, boy, my favorite. Fire.

[after exposing the Reverend as a fraud]

Harry Stone:
[raising his voice, with the reporters in the background] Say, Reverend, where exactly is your church? Maybe I'd like to attend a service.

Rev. Lester Sinclair:
We don't exactly have services.

Harry Stone:
It's a post office box, isn't it?

Rev. Lester Sinclair:
A very *big* post office box.

Christine Sullivan:
You know, I'm starting to worry about Roz. That disciplinary hearing of hers is taking forever.

Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
What's the big deal? Some guy started a fight in a holding cell, she yanked him out.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
Perhaps the fact that she neglected to open the door first had something to do with it.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
How's the crossword puzzle going, Bull?

Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
I need an eight-letter word for a phrase that contradicts itself.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Oxymoron.

Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
If you don't want to help me, Harry, just say so.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
No, Bull, an oxymoron is two words that cancel each other out. You know, like, jumbo shrimp.

Christine Sullivan:
Bitter sweet.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
Free love.

Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
I understand.

Mac Robinson:
Yeah, that's a good one too.

[Harry, Dan, Mac, and Bull track Roz and Christine to a male strip club, worrying that the place is too rough for Christine]

Harry Stone:
Any sign of Christine?

Bull Shannon:
[craning his neck] No. Of course, I could see a lot better if it weren't for that crazy bimbo dancing on the table.

[At second glance, the "crazy bimbo" turns out to be Christine, playing a snake-charming tune on a kazoo while "Sinbad the Snake Charmer" dances onstage]

Christine Sullivan:
Come on, Sinbad, make that thing MOVE!

Harry Stone:
Hi, ladies.

Rosalind 'Roz' Russell:
Sir! What a pleasant surprise. Where'd you come from?

Harry Stone:
[still recovering from Big Maggie's kiss] The mouth of the Amazon!

Dan Fielding:
This is Horace Jenkins, Your Honor. Assault with intent to commit bodily harm.

Hondo Jenkins:
What other kind is there?

Dan Fielding:
Mr. Jenkins got into an argument with a patron at the Monte Carlo lounge, and attacked him with a blunt instrument, specifically, the manager.

Dan Fielding:
Mr. Shibata was caught "rolling for dollars" with these three rarely-upstanding women.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
All three? That's illegal... and quite impressive.

Dan Fielding:
When he was apprehended, he had a fifty-gallon drum of soy sauce, and they were in the middle of something called the "Sukiyaki Slam-Bam."

Christine Sullivan:
Uh, sir, while neighbors and adjoining rooms did complain for over seven hours, I believe that...

Dan Fielding, Judge Harry T. Stone, Mac Robinson:
SEVEN HOURS?

[Mr. Shibata gives a short Japanese bow; Mac, Harry, and Dan all bow lower]

[the defendant is a Japanese businessman who cavorted with three prostitutes for seven straight hours]

Dan Fielding:
My God, man, how do you do it?

Mr. Shibata:
[thumps his chest] Every day, I swim ten miles, eat one hundred oysters, and sit in a barrel of pickle brine!

Dan Fielding:
[to stenographer] You got that?

[she nods]

Dan Fielding:
[explaining a diagram to a woman] Now, my little mountain drop, no matter how much you sweat, hold on to the handlebars.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
How the hell do you lose a dead body?

Bull Shannon:
He outsmarted me, sir.

Dan Fielding:
I don't think any further explanation is necessary.

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
You are the Mount Everest... of STUPIDITY!

Fast Eddie Creeger:
Is that some kind of a crack? 'Cause I'll have you know, I'm with the union and I don't have to take cracks.

[after Buddy sends off the Chinese acrobats]

Roz Russell:
Hey, Buddy. I didn't know you spoke Chinese.

Buddy Ryan:
[surprised] Was that Chinese? Wow! You know, that would explain that picture of me bowling with Chiang Kai-Shek!

Dr. Judith Malloy:
Dan, make me scream like a banshee!

Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
What kinds of stuff do they ask you on those tests?

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Well, there are several parts to it, Bull. Personality, aptitude, IQ. For example, they might show you an ink blot [squirts ketchup from bottle to create a blot on a napkin] like this. [lifts napkin] Dan, what do you see?

Dan Fielding:
[Buxom woman walks past Dan] A set of hall of fame hooters.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
[Speaking of Bull's replacement for two weeks] Her name is Ursula something.

Dan Fielding:
Ursula? We're getting a bailiff named Ursula?

Judge Harry T. Stone:
That's what they tell me.

Dan Fielding:
Yee. I picture high Scandinavian cheek bones... Stern, yet yielding blue eyes, a mane of blond hair. Kinda girl you wanna get naked with and roll around in front of a fire place.

Ursula Schmiendorf:
[Old, short woman walks into Harry's office] Judge Stone, I'm Ursula.

Dan Fielding:
[Notices Ursula, jumps. and screams] Aaaah!

Ursula Schmiendorf:
What's with him?

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Reality cramps.

Ursula Schmiendorf:
Tell me about it.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
So, uh, you're Ursula...

Ursula Schmiendorf:
Schmiendorf.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Schmiendorf. That's German, isn't it?

Dan Fielding:
Yeah, it means bad sausage.

Dr. Judith Malloy:
Excuse me, Mr. Fielding. [Speaks into microphone] Okay, I'm ready. You can send in the next couple.

Dan Fielding:
So tell me, Doc. What are you trying to do with these gauges and meters and stuff?

Dr. Judith Malloy:
We are trying to isolate the trigger mechanisms that stimulate human sexual arousal.

Dan Fielding:
Couple of pina coladas and my hormones will be wearing party hats, babe.

Dr. Judith Malloy:
Mr. Fielding, these experiments are of a serious and professional nature.

Dan Fielding:
Well, Dr. Malloy, I'll have you know that I have logged thousands of hours of field experience covering the entire range of tacto-physiokinetic responses in relation to... Whoa! Here are the naked people.

Dr. Judith Malloy:
We call them subjects.

Dan Fielding:
[Grabs microphone] Let the games begin!

Dan Fielding:
[Dan found out that the two weeks he spent abstaining from sex as part of a sperm donor program was unnecessary] I haven't had sex in two weeks. [He begins looking obsessively around the cafeteria]

Roz Russell:
Run for your lives girls! [All females flee the cafeteria. Dan still looks around obsessively]

Harry Stone:
Better safe than sorry guys! [All males flee]

[Harry politely asks Mrs. Rothman to wait, as they are still in session]

Mrs. Rothman:
But I murdered my husband.

[She takes a revolver out of her purse and holds it up]

Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson:
[sweet] Will that be a party of one, then?

Alice Beeker:
Interested in becoming a donor?

Dan Fielding:
No, my motto is "Love the one you're with unless it's a jar."

Alice Beeker:
Are you sure?

Dan Fielding:
Lady, why would anyone degrade themselves like that?

Alice Beeker:
For a hundred bucks a throw. Two or three times a week.

Dan Fielding:
[Calculates in his head] That's twelve hundred a month. I could defile myself into a Porsche by the end of the year.

Alice Beeker:
Zoom, zoom, zoom.

Alice Beeker:
[In the cafeteria] We can save time by filling out this questionnaire here. So you can make your first deposit tonight.

Dan Fielding:
It'll be my pleasure. [laughs]

Alice Beeker:
[Not impressed] All finished?

Dan Fielding:
Yeah.

Alice Beeker:
Fine. Now... have you ever donated before?

Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
Yes, he gave at the office. [laughs] I'm never gonna get through this. [stands up and walks away]

Dan Fielding:
No, I haven't.

Alice Beeker:
Have you ever had a semen analysis?

Dan Fielding:
You mean by a professional? Negative on that too, babe.

Alice Beeker:
Now... let's get into your underwear. What kind do you wear?

Dan Fielding:
[Everyone in the cafeteria looks at Dan then Dan looks at everyone] Men's! Uh, look, Miss Beeker is all of this necessary, all of this here?

Alice Beeker:
I'm afraid so, Mr. Fielding. In fact, it gets even more personal. You see, we have to delve into every aspect and detail of your sex live as part of the screening process.

Dan Fielding:
You really enjoy your work, don't you?

Alice Beeker:
Immensely.

Dan Fielding:
[Enters courtroom angrily at Miss Beeker] You don't know what you're talking about, lady!

Alice Beeker:
Please, Mr. Fielding, it happens to a lot of men.

Dan Fielding:
Not to me, it doesn't!

Christine Sullivan:
Dan, what happened?

Dan Fielding:
They rejected me.

Alice Beeker:
Many are called, but few are frozen.

Christine Sullivan:
They rejected you? Why?

Alice Beeker:
His sperm is slow and immature.

Christine Sullivan:
Oh. I'm so sorry I asked.

Dan Fielding:
That's great. Why don't you just go ahead and tell the whole world while you're at it?

Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
[Excitedly] I'll start with the cafeteria! [runs out of the courtroom]

Harry Stone:
Miss Beeker, is this something abnormal?

Alice Beeker:
Oh, not at all. He just doesn't fit within our semen parameters.

Harry Stone:
Which are?

Alice Beeker:
Sixty million per cc.

Dan Fielding:
I demand a recount!

Alice Beeker:
You know Mr. Fielding your problem could be attributed to fatigue. How recent was your last sexual encounter?

Dan Fielding:
[Hesitates a few seconds] What time is it now?

Alice Beeker:
It would be no problem to retest you. But to be sure we have an accurate result I suggest you abstain for two weeks.

Harry Stone:
From sex?

Christine Sullivan:
Dan?

Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson:
I got twenty, says he doesn't make it back to his car.

Alice Beeker:
Mr. Fielding?

Dan Fielding:
Well, if it isn't the Mistress of the Mason Jar. I said I'd be down there in the morning.

Alice Beeker:
That's why I stopped by. It won't be necessary.

Dan Fielding:
What are you talking about?

Alice Beeker:
Turns out, we made a mistake.

Dan Fielding:
Huh!

Alice Beeker:
It was a new man in the analysis section. He mixed up you test results with those of another person.

Dan Fielding:
So what you're saying is...

Alice Beeker:
Your sperm is just dandy. Bye.

Dan Fielding:
Just like that? Wham, bam, thank you, Dan?

Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson:
But we all have our limits, Mrs. Rothman, and my grandfather used to tell me that beyond a man's limit... is a place that God just doesn't want us to be alone in.

A.N.D.I.:
Judge Stone, may I ask you a personal question?

Harry Stone:
Shoot.

A.N.D.I.:
[about the computer next to Harry] Who's that babe on your desk with the floppy disks?

Roz Russell:
[Bull's blind girlfriend has escorted him out of the room] The blind... leading the blank.

[Dan breaks down crying the night after his date]

Dan Fielding:
Women.

Harry Stone:
So, who was it last night? The Soviet gymnast?

Mac Robinson:
The farmer's daughter?

Bull Shannon:
One of those rubber-jointed ladies from the freak shows that like to be handcuffed and thrown around the room by their ponytails, screaming for mercy until they black out?

[Stares from everyone]

Bull Shannon:
What?

Harry Stone:
Come on, Dan. You can't let this get to you. Come on, every red-blooded American male has had to face this problem at one time or another in his life.

Dan Fielding:
Has it ever happened to you?

Harry Stone:
[jerks back, stung] Hell, no!

[later]

Bull Shannon:
Take heart, Dan, this happens to every guy sooner or later.

Dan Fielding:
Has it ever happened to you?

Bull Shannon:
[jerks back, stung] Hell, no!

Dan Fielding:
Excuse me.

[He exits, passing Mac as he comes in]

Dan Fielding:
H-?

Mac Robinson:
Hell, no!

Joy Buscaglia:
Now listen, up, 'cause I'm only gonna say this once. My name is Joy Buscaglia, I touch-type sixty words a minute, take dictation from transcription, and I'm fastest in the building at the Xerox machine - I don't have to close the lid. Now we're gonna have a few ground rules around here. One...

[bangs her cane against the desk]

Joy Buscaglia:
We don't move the furniture around. Two: no sneaking up on me! And three: I don't like chit-chat. Do not ask how I am. I'M BLIND! That's how I am.

Joy Buscaglia:
Sullivan!

Christine Sullivan:
Yes, right here!

Joy Buscaglia:
Your phone messages!

Christine Sullivan:
Oh, thank you.

[takes them and stops]

Christine Sullivan:
Uh, excuse me, these are in Braille.

Joy Buscaglia:
[takes them back and slaps her hand on the first one] Your father wants to know why you're avoiding him.

[crumples it and slaps the next one]

Joy Buscaglia:
Your singles club canceled the hayride because everybody else thought it was stupid.

[crumples it and slaps the last one]

Joy Buscaglia:
And some twerp named Rod phoned and said he can't wait to see his "Lammycakes" for some "smoochy-pie."

Christine Sullivan:
[embarrassed] Gee, thanks.

Dan Fielding:
Excuse me, anything for me?

Joy Buscaglia:
Yeah, your doctor phoned and said your tests came out negative.

Dan Fielding:
Are you sure?

Joy Buscaglia:
Hey, it's a poor musician who blames his instrument.

Joy Buscaglia:
Hey, I'd love to stay and schmooze, but I can tell you two civic giants want to be alone. Maybe you can rub your skulls together and come up with a thought or something. Later.

[she exits]

Cooper:
You know, it's a shame we don't burn people at the stake anymore.

[At his job interview, Dan finds that the hiring partner only wants him for an office gigolo]

Dan Fielding:
You think you can call me in here, play your little bedroom games, take shots at my manhood? That's fine! I get that all the time! All right, maybe I wasn't able to afford some snooty Ivy League education. But let me tell you something. When you get your degree from the Bayou Academy of Law & Agriculture, you learn something else: a fighting sow-belly has to WORK for what he wants! Can't be afraid to get your snout dirty! You know, I live the law every day. In the courts and the jails of New York City. And I may have barf in my cuffs when I come home at night. But that's the way I like it.

[building]

Dan Fielding:
That's why I have the highest conviction rate of any DA in this city. And that's why I have the lowest percentage of overturned cases! And that's why you can say anything you want to about my manhood, but nobody, lady - NOBODY - can touch Dan Fielding in a court of law.

[throws off his jacket]

Dan Fielding:
Or for that matter, anywhere else!

Toni Corbin:
You mean...?

Dan Fielding:
[yanks off his tie] I mean, hold on to your Dixie Cups, babes! THE SOUTH SHALL RISE AGAIN!

Dan Fielding:
Let's face it, Harry. I'm all washed up.

Harry Stone:
Come on, Dan, so you...

Dan Fielding:
Say it.

Harry Stone:
You...

Dan Fielding:
Come on, man, say it!

Harry Stone:
You had a little trouble launching the ol' Love Boat.

Dan Fielding:
We are talking stuck in drydock, Harry!

[the staff enters Harry's office near the end of recess]

Bull Shannon:
Hey.

Harry Stone:
You guys ready to do it?

Roz Russell:
Some more than others.

Dan Fielding:
You know, I'm really glad that my personal life is suddenly everybody's business!

Roz Russell:
Hey, don't get testy with me just 'cause your Dow Jones average hit a slump.

Christine Sullivan:
Dan, you know there are several books on this subject that might be of some use to you.

Dan Fielding:
Such as?

Christine Sullivan:
[as everyone turns their gaze on her] Well..."The Little Engine That Could."

[Harry is unsettled when the defendant turns out to be a bully from his childhood]

Terry Benoon:
You got me expelled!

Judge Harry Stone:
Technically, Terry, it was you riding a Schwinn over my neck that got you expelled.

Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson:
[Dan teased Harry about his old school bully] Like you don't get scared when you hear, "I think that's my husband at the door."

Dan Fielding:
[naturally flinches] What?

Wendell Martin:
[Bull has been trying to quiet a group of mental patients on trial] Heeeyyy!

[all goes quiet]

Wendell Martin:
The little fella said to be quiet.

[Bull scowls at Wendell]

Rosalind Jane 'Roz' Russell:
[Sees James for the first time] I'm only gonna say this once. The wine is in the refrigerator, the address is on the keys.

Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson:
James is a liar! He's not on parole, he escaped!

Rosalind Jane 'Roz' Russell:
[Alone on the roof] James you big dumb son of a- [to the sky] Sorry.

Rosalind Jane 'Roz' Russell:
[Bull leaves the two alone on the roof] He knows he's not supposed to leave you alone with me.

James Morgan:
'Cause you might let me go?

Rosalind Jane 'Roz' Russell:
Because I might throw you off the roof!

James Morgan:
[In a headlock] Roz, you're cutting off my circulation!

Rosalind Jane 'Roz' Russell:
You're lucky that's all I'm cutting off!

Rosalind Jane 'Roz' Russell:
[Before James is returned to custody] I can't promise to be faithful.

James Morgan:
[Knowing what can happen while in jail] *I* can.

Harry T. Stone:
Bull, you look depressed.

Bull Shannon:
I am. My word of the month is so obscure I can't find an opportunity to use it in conversation.

Harry T. Stone:
What word is that?

Bull Shannon:
"Pentimento."

Harry T. Stone:
[after a beat, turns to Dan] So how about that Jets game last night, huh?

Billie Young:
Bull, what exactly does pentimento mean?

Bull Shannon:
It's an artistic term, referring to the reappearance of original elements that had been obliterated by a new outer appearance.

Dan Fielding:
You mean like that little brown shadow on top of your head that you affectionately refer to as hair?

Bull Shannon:
Good example!

Princess Tatiana:
I am Tatiana, crowned princess of Kapua.

Dan Fielding:
I'm Dan. King of Hanky Panky.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Tatiana... repeat after me. Thank you, Nani Darnell.

Mac Robinson:
So, you think your old alma mater's got a real chance this year, huh?

Judge Harry T. Stone:
I'm telling you, Mac, this is the best team that East Chesapeake has seen since a scrappy midfielder name of Harry T. Stone s...

Dan Fielding, Mac Robinson, Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon, Rosalind 'Roz' Russell:
[in unison] Scored the winning goal to bring mighty Florida Tech to its knees.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Ah, the legend lives.

Yakov Kovlenko:
Give her hell, Harry!

Judge Harry T. Stone:
How are we gonna get the guy a visa?

Ludmila:
He cannot have one, ever. I cannot ignore the law and let a possible subversive back into my country.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Oh, come on! We both know he's not a subversive! He's just some poor schlep who wants to go home and visit his mom!

Ludmila:
What is meaning of "sch-lep"?

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Well, uh, let's see. Uh... you remember Jimmy Carter?

Yakov Kovlenko:
What are you giving me, red tape? What does a person supposed to do to get some justice around here?

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Well, you might start by explaining why you're acting like such a...

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
Yack-ass? [laughs]

[last lines]

Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
Sorry, guess she wasn't interested.

Johnny Carson:
I'm sorry to hear that.

Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
Excuse me, but... aren't you married now?

[Carson furrows his brow]

Johnny Carson:
I... I don't know.

Eddie the Machete:
So you're the one who sent him after me. Fielding... Fielding... Fielding!

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
What are you doing?

Eddie the Machete:
I'm burning your name into my brain.

Rosalind Jane 'Roz' Russell:
Want me to write it down for you?

[while listening to a Walkman, Bull calls the court into session]

Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
All rise - defying the gravitational pull of the earth. Manhattan Criminal Court, Part Two, is now moving from an inert state to an in-session state. The Honorable energy mass Harold T. Stone, presiding in space and time.

Will Sanders:
[reading his latest assignment from Dan] Edward Lotz, aka Crazy Eddie, aka "Eddie the Machete", aka..."Edward Scissor-Glands"?

Christine Sullivan:
Something tells me this guy's gone way beyond white collar.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
Don't be silly. He's only wanted for... [reads] performing plastic surgery without a license.

Christine Sullivan:
[reading] And without anesthesia... and without permission!

Liz Williams:
[Liz and Dan are left alone after being handcuffed together by Yakov, a Russian immigrant] I'm thirsty. How about you?

Dan Fielding:
No. Thank you. I must have had six, seven cups of coffee this evening.

Liz Williams:
Oh.

[suddenly realizes]

Liz Williams:
Uh-oh.

Dan Fielding:
Uh-huh.

[Dan crosses his legs tightly]

[after Bull takes a frightened Yakov out of the courtroom:
]

Court Clerk Lana Wagner:
That poor man. He's so terrified.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Well, you have to remember that he comes from a system where anyone can be arrested on the street and without a valid explanation, be put behind bars for an indefinite amount of time without a trial... Kind of like we just did.

[Yakov tries to run out of the courtroom but two guards pull their guns on him]

Yakov Korolenko:
No bang-bang!

Judge Harry T. Stone:
[to the guards] You heard him. Get out. [But they keep their guns pointed at Yakov and look at each other with puzzled looks] Put the bang-bangs away and get out!

[the court has to finish its docket by midnight to let the last defendant out in time to rescue his true love from her snob mother]

Christine Sullivan:
I think your daughter could do a lot worse than a guy like Ben.

Mrs. Rollins:
I didn't send my daughter to Europe for two years so she could marry a loser, and end up pregnant working in some dead-end job, like... well, like YOU!

[she walks away; Christine slowly turns around]

Christine Sullivan:
Sir, I say we take the b*tch down.

Harry Stone:
...And next time order take out. Leave the bird alone.

[cut to Wile E. Coyote]

Harry Stone:
[to cheerleaders who pled guilty] Three, five, seven, nine. Fifty dollars is your fine.

Dan Fielding:
[to same cheerleaders] If you choose to stay behind, show me yours I'll show you mine.

Christine Sullivan:
Dan, there's a woman here who would like to meet you.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
Never laid a finger on her, I wasn't even there.

Christine Sullivan:
Dan Fielding, meet Joan Hobson.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
What?

[gets up and notices her]

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
Hi... you're not nearly as repulsive-looking as you seem on your campaign posters.

Joan Hobson:
You know, it's funny you should say that, Dan. Because in person, your hair doesn't look that much like attic insulation.

[Dan is lying in bed with his political opponent, Joan Hobson]

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
Oh, baby... call me a "tool of the special interests" again.

Mac Robinson:
Eugene Sleighbough, attempted burglary.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
Uh, Your Honor, the people acknowledge the fact that there may be a special circumstance where Mr. Sleighbough is concerned.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Special in what way?

Eugene Sleighbough:
I'm invisible.

Eugene Sleighbough:
You can't see me, can you?

Judge Harry T. Stone:
[bluffing] Well, certainly I can.

Eugene Sleighbough:
Oh, yeah? How many fingers am I holding up?

Judge Harry T. Stone:
It better not be just one.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
It seems as though that Mr. Sleighbough tried to take advantage of his "condition" by robbing a fifth story Park Avenue apartment in the middle of the afternoon.

Eugene Sleighbough:
Yeah, it's perfect for me! See, I can slip in and out, completely unnoticed.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
Except for the several hundred people who saw you inching along the ledge.

Eugene Sleighbough:
Ah, that was probably a fluke. See, they probably used some kind of heat-sensing device.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
Yes. It's called sunlight.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Mr. Sleighbough, when did you first discover you had this talent to become invisible?

Eugene Sleighbough:
Well, it came on sort of gradually. See, at first, I was just boring. But then, I became inconspicuous.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Oh.

Eugene Sleighbough:
Yeah, you know, like I'd be waiting in a doctor's office, or restaurant, or a barber shop, you know, whatever? And finally they'd say, "oh, I didn't see you there!" That's when it first began to take hold.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
And now?

Eugene Sleighbough:
I'm fully invisible! Yeah, I can be standing on the corner, yelling and waving my arms, cabbies are going right by and never even notice me!

Judge Harry T. Stone:
In New York City, imagine that.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
We of the warm-blooded variety feel an adjournment is in order.

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
You mean shut down?

[Dan nods; Harry looks at Mac, who also nods, then:
]

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
Nah!

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
You've got about seventeen layers of clothes on under that robe, haven't you, sir?

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
It's good to be the king.

[Dan heads for the elevator, where another man is already waiting. The doors open, and the man steps on, turning around - it's Wilson]

Warren Wilson:
Going my way?

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
[stepping on] I'm ROTC combat-trained.

Warren Wilson:
Special Forces, Advanced Infantry - Airborne.

Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
[after a dog case] You think it's okay if I give him a bone?

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
Well, if you're sure you're done with it.

Warren Wilson:
I just want you to know, there's no hard feelings. I know you were just doing your job.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
Got it.

Warren Wilson:
My I say something else?

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
Shoot.

Warren Wilson:
I find you very attractive.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
[this prompts Dan to tear his briefcase in two] What?

Warren Wilson:
I just feel attracted to you. I just thought you should know.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
You mean you're...?

Warren Wilson:
Aren't you?

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
That Wilson guy... he's gay.

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
And?

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
And... [he starts to laugh] And, he thought I was.

Art Fensterman:
Are you?

Warren Wilson:
Are you really that stupid?

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
That's for me to know and for you to find out.

Bailiff Selma Hacker:
[after everyone hears that Bull may be trapped in a snow cave-in] He'll be okay. Or I'll kill him.

[Christine is stuck in the elevator, in labor]

Harry Stone:
Is there room for a person to lie down in there?

Dan Fielding:
Full-grown man, two women, and a midget with a camera.

[Trapped in an elevator with Buddy and Christine]

Harry Stone:
Miss Sullivan, are you in pain?

Christine Sullivan:
Yes! I'm having a baby!

Harry Stone:
Well, you can't have it in there!

Alexander Tobin:
That's what I'm trying to tell her!

Harry Stone:
Who are you?

Alexander Tobin:
I'm Alexander Tobin, and I'm being held against my will by a pregnant woman and a *lunatic!*

Harry Stone:
...Buddy?

Buddy Ryan:
Hi, son! Don't worry about us, we're having a ball!

Christine Sullivan:
I've already chosen my birth music. It's called "Songs of the Humpback Whale."

[She plays a tape. Bull spaces out, staring away]

Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson:
Bull, are you all right? Bull!

Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
[shakes his head] Remind me, I have to call Mom.

Buddy Ryan:
[Seeing Christine pregnant for the first time] Is it my imagination, or is Christine developing a beer gut?

Harry Stone:
I don't know how much time we have, Bull. See if you can find a doctor anywhere in the building!

Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
Right!

[runs off]

Harry Stone:
And Roz, you go find someone who can fix this elevator!

Bailiff Rosalind Jane 'Roz' Russell:
Uh-uh. Christine needs me. I'm her Lamaze coach, remember?

[Christine yells again from inside the elevator]

Dan Fielding:
I'll go, I'll go! But promise me you'll tell me if she uses any four-letter words!

Christine Sullivan:
Buddy? Is that you?

Buddy Ryan:
[takes off his sunglasses and looks into a hand mirror] By golly, it is!

Christine Sullivan:
Well, Dan, all I can say is, I am not afraid of a little pain.

Dan Fielding:
Well, whatever you say, Christine...

[Christine gasps and seizes Dan's wrist in a death grip]

Dan Fielding:
EEEE! EEEE! EEEEE-EEEEEE-EEEEE!

Buddy Ryan:
Ah, the love theme from "Psycho."

[not knowing she's in labor, Tony proposes to Christine while she's trapped in the elevator]

Christine Sullivan:
YES!

Tony Giuliano:
Christine, that's terrific! So you'll be my wife?

Christine Sullivan:
I'M GONNA HAVE YOUR BABY!

Tony Giuliano:
Of course you are! Someday.

Dan Fielding:
How's today sound?

[another scream of pain]

Tony Giuliano:
You mean, she's...?

[everyone nods]

Tony Giuliano:
Mine?

[everyone nods]

Tony Giuliano:
But we only, uh... got together once.

Entire Crowd:
We know.

Christine Sullivan:
[after her first contraction in the cafeteria] Buddy, could you help me to the elevator? I may be further along than I thought.

Buddy Ryan:
How can you tell?

[she holds up a mangled fork]

Buddy Ryan:
Right.

Christine Sullivan:
[after a false alarm sets off a crazy emergency plan] Now hear this: I am not in labor, I just banged my knee on the table! Sheesh! I knew you guys would overreact, but please, there were cooler heads at the Ayatollah's funeral!

Harry Stone:
Hey, it was just a way of getting you to the hospital quickly. A simple, rational plan.

[sound of helicopter overhead]

Helicopter Pilot:
[over radio] Chopper One to Stone, Chopper One to Stone: we're ready. Over.

[embarrassed, Harry takes a walkie-talkie out his robes]

Harry Stone:
Stone to Chopper One: false alarm. Over.

Woman:
[the elevator is broken. To the crew] You'll have to wait. There's some pregnant woman stuck in the elevator.

Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
Oh no, that means Christine had to take the stairs!

Dan Fielding:
You *almost* know what's going on, don't you?

[after the staff reads Dan's death threat, a bum walks into Harry's office, reaching into his coat]

Tony Giuliano:
I'm looking for Fielding...

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
IT'S HIM, HE'S GOT A GUN!

[He dives behind Harry's couch while Christine sprays the bum in the eyes]

Christine Sullivan:
Eat mace, bozo!

Tony Giuliano:
Ah, geez, lady, I'm a cop!

[shows his badge]

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
You must be Detective Giuliano. I'm Judge Stone, the lump behind the couch is Dan Fielding. Of course you already met the lovely Christine Sullivan.

Tony Giuliano:
[still blinking off the mace] Charmed.

Christine Sullivan:
Well, what was I supposed to think? You have... doggie doo on your shoes.

Tony Giuliano:
I'm undercover, I put it there!

Christine Sullivan:
[Dan disguised as a nun walks past Christine] Sister? [Dan crouches to the floor] Sister please, I have a confession to make of a personal nature.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
[Speaks in a high-pitched voice] Oh, well, why don't we come sit down over here, my child. [They sit on a bench seat]

Christine Sullivan:
Thank you, sister. Oh, I'm ashamed to say that I have just had an impulsive carnal liaison with a man.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
Whoo! Yes, well, my child, tell me, all about it.

Christine Sullivan:
Well, the worst part is I was weak when a friend's life was in danger.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
Yes, tut-tut, now, about this liaison, um, I need details for true forgiveness.

Christine Sullivan:
I don't know where to start.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
Were you naked?

Christine Sullivan:
No! No. We just kissed.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
Oh, I see, my child. Did he stick his tongue down your throat?

Christine Sullivan:
[Perplexed at the question, looks toward Dan] What?

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
[Christine continues looking] Did he make balloon animals out of your panties?

Christine Sullivan:
[Pulls back one side of the black veil] Dan! Dan Fielding, you big pervert! [starts whaling on Dan and walks away]

Dan Fielding:
[not realizing Bull has already won, Dan rushes onstage to issue the post-hypnotic phrase] Bull! "I want to be your love slave!"

Chuck Fleck:
Sir! Mr. Shannon just won! And we're on the air live, you pervert!

Dan Fielding:
[extreme close-up of Dan in a frenzy] Aaauuugghh!

Bull Shannon:
[introducing himself on "What Am I?"] I'm Bull Shannon. And I think I'm gonna vomit.

Chuck Fleck:
[in a cheerful host tone] Well, if you reach me, that's an extra hundred dollars.

Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson:
[Bull is not winning on the game show] Something's wrong. Why's he losing?

Roz:
'Cause he's dumb as a doughnut, that's why.

News Anchorwoman:
Once again, State Assembly Candidate Dan Fielding has made potentially embarrassing statements on live television. When asked to explain his actions he had this to say.

Dan Fielding:
Well, I have pieced it together, and it seems I was kidnapped and drugged by... Soviet agents.

Judge Wilbur:
Why is my bailiff on a game show?

Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson:
You see, this boy's club is gonna close down. And Bull's been helping out by being their basket, but they're out of money. And Bull could win, but it doesn't work to have Christine say "I want to be your love slave." That's why we need to get Dan out of jail.

Judge Wilbur:
...Pour me one of whatever you're having.

Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson:
[Bull's in a suggestible state. Mac urges Dan to finish Bull's hypnosis] Dan you better move it before Judge Wilbur comes back and snaps your head off.

Dan Fielding:
[laughs mockingly] Judge Wilbur. I wish someone would twist that old bag's head off.

[Bull makes a strangulation gesture]

Dan Fielding:
Or better yet stuff her down the mail chute.

[Bull nods and goes in search of Judge Wilbur]

[in a holding cell]

Chip Coderko:
What're you in for?

Dan Fielding:
Uh, contempt of court. You?

Chip Coderko:
Oh, we're just in for a little terror-and-mayhem spree 'tween here and South Carolina.

Dale Coderko:
[jauntily] Eight robberies, six stolen cars, four kidnappings, and three mini marts... *burned to the ground*!

Judge Harry T. Stone:
I cannot believe this article on tax shelters. It say the IRS will let you invest in anything from race horses to windmills to bull semen. [Everyone at the table looks at Bull]

Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
[Bull looks at Flo] I gave blood that's as far as it goes.

Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson:
Lenore, this is, this is crazy! The thing is, you're so young and I'm so... married.

Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson:
[to all after they caught Mac and Lenore kissing] There's an easy explanation for all this. [He can't think of one and pleads with the others] Somebody please give me an easy explanation for all this.

Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson:
[Uneasily trying to introduce Lenore after the kiss] This is Lenore, my um... study buddy.

Rosalind Jane 'Roz' Russell:
Must be an oral exam.

Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson:
[ducking balls of wadded-up paper] Look, Quon Le, if you really want to hurt me, you've gotta throw something heavier!

Quon Le Robinson:
Oh, I will! I'm just perfecting my aim!

Christine Sullivan:
Sir, would you like to sample my yams?

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Right here? With the lights on?

Christine Sullivan:
[Christine glares at Harry] Sir!

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Sorry, I had a Dan attack...

Dan Fielding:
[to each of the six Rolling Rangerettes skating past him] I love your eyes. Love you thighs. Love your hips. Love your lips. Love your hair. Nice butt.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Hey, gang, how goes the world?

Rosalind 'Roz' Russell:
[Reading a tabloid aloud] "Enraged housewife shoots husband's pig in bizarre love triangle."

Dan Fielding:
Caught him bringing home the bacon, huh?

Judge Harry T. Stone:
So, what brings you around?

Christine Sullivan:
[Standing next to Bill] Oh, not much. We just wanted to announce we're getting married. That's all.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
[Stunned] Married? [Turns to everyone at the table] Can you top that?

Rosalind 'Roz' Russell:
[Reading a tabloid aloud] "Bigfoot reveals miracle diet plan."

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Close.

Mac Robinson:
They said they might be able to get a hostage negotiator over here in... [checks watch] Two hours.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
[aghast] Two hours?

Mac Robinson:
They said all their people are tied up right now.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Tied up with what?

Mac Robinson:
Rope. They're being held hostage by a militant splinter faction of Up With People.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
[shakes head] It was only a matter of time.

[Ernie throws Dan to the floor and steps on his neck]

Ernie:
All right, Fielding! You make one move, I'll blow your brains into the office downstairs!

Dan Fielding:
[choked] I got no problem with that.

Ernie:
[with his foot on Dan's neck] It's a bribery sting! We're arresting Fielding, we had the judge wired.

Bert Felch:
We're arresting the judge, we had Fielding wired!

Ernie:
You mean...?

Bert Felch:
Oh, for crying out loud! Ain't that the craziest thing?

[laughter]

Ernie:
[in Judge Stone's chambers] Bert?

Bert Felch:
Ernie?

Ernie:
What are you doing here?

Bert Felch:
What are *you* doing here?

Harry Stone:
[stepping into his chambers] What are all these people doing here?

[the defendants are an elderly couple who have been disturbing the police by having sex in their own apartment, very often, and very loudly]

Judge Mike Watson:
I don't mean to pry, Mr. MacNulty, but why are you so loud during these romantic interludes?

Mr. MacNulty:
[cupping a hand to his ear] What?

Dan Fielding:
Burn this image in your mind, sir: this man, standing stark naked, swinging a baseball bat.

Mrs. MacNulty:
My Louisville slugger.

Mr. MacNulty:
[cupping a hand to his ear] What?

Dan Fielding:
[shouting] She said she likes your bat!

Bull Shannon:
This is Rozalind Russell.

Dan Fielding:
Hello! I'm Mr. Ed!

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Rozalind Russell, that's a neat name.

Roz Russell:
My mother was a show business freak.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Ah.

Roz Russell:
I do consider myself more fortunate than my sister, Zsa Zsa.

Christine Sullivan:
Oh, the poor thing.

Roz Russell:
That's what my brother says.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Your brother...?

Roz Russell:
Slappy.

[a few minutes later, when Harry receives his mother's letter]

Bull Shannon:
Harry's mother left him when he was a child. He hasn't seen her in thirty years.

Roz Russell:
My brother hasn't seen my mother in thirty years.

Bull Shannon:
Your brother...?

Roz Russell:
Topo Gigio.

Buddy:
[about Harry's mother] Harry, she went into a psychiatric institution after she left you. That's where we met.

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
I'm gonna go out on a limb here... you weren't on the staff, were you?

[Buddy grins and shakes his head]

Buddy:
But I'm feeling much better now.

Buddy:
Here's a picture of your mother and me at Niagara Falls.

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
[looking] Where are you?

Buddy:
In the barrel.

[Harry looks at him]

Buddy:
But I'm feeling much better now.

Dan Fielding:
[enters Harry's office and sees Buddy] Harry I- oh, I'm sorry. You're busy massaging a man in a cheap suit.

Buddy:
[realizing something about Harry] You have your mother's compassion. But you're so different. I wonder what would have happened if she had raised you.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
[the staff enter Harry's chambers and hear him yelling into the phone, they believe he's yelling at his mother] Perhaps it would just be the best thing for both of us if I hang up the phone right now! [Harry calms down] You're right. Your'e right. I'm sorry. Thank you operator, I'll dial direct.

Dan Fielding:
[heard that Harry's mother is deceased. Harry's chair is facing away] Sir, I'm so very sorry. You have my deepest condolences. [Harry turns his chair around, revealing he's wearing a ridiculous mask] Obviously you're taking it very well.

Morry:
[the ventriloquist of Mike the Dummy. Mike is 'speaking'] The jerk just can't get it through his head, it's over!

Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson:
What's over?

Morry:
[Mike] Us. The team. I'm breaking up the act!

Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson:
Why're you breaking up the act?

Morry:
[Mike] Isn't it obvious? Look at his lips! I've seen less movement on a roller coaster.

[Christine can't understand why Harry isn't upset that his mother is dead]

Christine Sullivan:
Sir, your mother is dead. There's no shame in showing your grief.

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
So what kind of grief am I supposed to show for a woman who dumps a five-year-old boy the way another woman dumps her garbage?

Christine Sullivan:
Still, I can't believe you're capable of not feeling any loss.

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
I am capable of feeling loss. When Selma died, I felt loss. When Florence died, I felt loss. Because I cared very much for them and they cared for me. If I need comfort and compassion they were there. If I just needed a friend to talk to, they were there. But when I needed a mother, no one was there.

Dennis:
[Christine explained to Dan that Harry wants to be left alone for a bit. Dennis Small, a ventriloquist without a dummy, has been refusing to move his lips. He tries to be polite to Christine] You sound upset. Is there anything I can do?

Dan Fielding:
Yeah. Why don't you throw your voice into the elevator shaft and follow it?

[Harry wakes from a nap to find he's been laying on Buddy's knee. Buddy just smiles at him]

Buddy:
I didn't want to disturb you.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
You did a real good job.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
[smiling] You're a fine-looking young man.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Thank you very much.

[long pause]

Buddy:
[smiling] Wanna know who the hell I am?

Buddy:
I was married to your mother.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Oh. Then that would make us...

Buddy:
Nothing.

Buddy:
[about Harry and his mother] I guess you weren't that close.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Not close? I got a letter from her just today. It was sent fifteen years ago.

Buddy:
I told her special delivery was no faster than the regular service.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
[Harry understands how honest Buddy has been about his mother leaving him] Buddy I never did know her. But I'm beginning to miss her.

Buddy:
[saying good-bye to Harry] I guess I'll see you around, Harry.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Anytime, Buddy. And I mean that. Anytime.

Buddy:
How about tomorrow?

Judge Harry T. Stone:
[having had enough Buddy for one day] No, not tomorrow. I'll call.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
[Harry has to be told about a department store Santa's altercation with a hooker and her pimp, but in the presence of a little boy] And you are?

Mandy Davis:
I'm the gift that keeps on giving.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
And...?

Lorenzo:
I'm the elf who handles the money.

[Dan has to explain about an altercation between a department-store Santa and a hooker and her pimp, but with a 10-year-old witness waiting in the background]

Dan Fielding:
So, after the, uh...

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Gift exchange?

[Dan points and mouths, "thank you", then continues]

Dan Fielding:
Santa... forgot to leave anything under her tree.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
[Bull enters the cafeteria wearing a shrunken Santa suit with his stomach exposed] Bull, isn't that suit a tad on the small side for you?

Bull Shannon:
It's the only one they had left. For some reason they had a big rush on Santa suits.

Dan Fielding:
No! On Christmas Eve?

Roz Russell:
[Dan laughs at Roz who is wearing an elf suit] Are you laughing at me, Dan?

Dan Fielding:
Yes I am laughing at you. Men have died laughing at less.

Roz Russell:
[pulls out a large plastic candy cane and presses the tip against Dan's chest] Pick a body cavity, Dan.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
[not wanting to send Roz back to holding] Mr. McCracken, is there any chance you might change your mind?

McCracken:
I'll change my mind when *Hell* has frozen over, and the sun has turned to *dust*!

McCracken:
[after Buddy has given him Nick's Christmas gift] What do you do? Go around, just giving gifts to complete strangers?

Buddy Ryan:
We're funny that way.

Christine Sullivan:
[after McCracken walks away with his yo-yo] Isn't that amazing? I mean what are the odds that Buddy's friend would pick out the exact same gift that Mr. McCracken asked Santa for so many years ago?

Mac Robinson:
Hey, wait a minute! Didn't Buddy say his friend's name was Nick?

Dan Fielding:
[with Harry and Bull] Yeah.

Roz Russell:
[stressing what Mac is suggesting] As in *Saint* Nick?

Dan Fielding:
[after Buddy wonders why the gang is asking about Nick] These yahoos thought that Nick might be Santa Claus.

Buddy Ryan:
And you guys are on the *outside*.

Buddy Ryan:
[still amused by what the gang thought about Nick] Nick - Santa Claus. That's hysterical.

Buddy Ryan:
[looks thoughtful]

Buddy Ryan:
Although, that would explain his red convertible.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
What about his red convertible?

Buddy Ryan:
It flies.

Buddy Ryan:
[as Harry is about to take another drink] Hey Harry? [Harry turns and sees Buddy and Nick at the window in Nick's convertible] Want a ride?

Judge Harry T. Stone:
No thanks, Buddy, I'm covered. [Is about to resume his drinking, but pauses and looks back. The window is clear. Harry dismisses what he thought he saw] Nah.

Buddy Ryan:
[yelling at Nick] Hey, look out for that flock of pigeons!

Judge Drayton:
There was once this girl who came through my courtroom, carrying a baby. Beautiful girl, seventeen or eighteen, long, dark hair... and a welt where her husband hit her across the cheek. She asks me to make him stop hitting her, and I said, "fine, I'll send him to jail." Then she changes her testimony! She says she lied! She doesn't want her husband to go to jail! He brought home money so the family could eat! All she wanted, was to make him stop hitting her! Well, I can't make him stop hitting her, Harry! [shouts] In twenty-five years, I never made *anybody* stop!

Judge Harry T. Stone:
I'm sorry.

Judge Drayton:
[sinks into a seat] God's in his heaven... but all's not right with the world.

Judge Drayton:
Am I... am I sick, Harry?

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Maybe a little. But mostly, I'd say you're really, really tired.

Judge Drayton:
[laughing softly] Oh-ho, tired, my God... oh, I could sleep for a million years. If the bed they strap me down to is comfortable, I probably will.

Christine Sullivan:
Uh, excuse me sir, about my client...

Judge Drayton:
Oh right. Hang him.

Christine Sullivan:
He stole an Eskimo pie, sir.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
What's next, Mac?

Mac Robinson:
Anita Fries and Arnold Burger.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Call them, Bull.

Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
Burger and Fries, please.

Dan Fielding:
[on his talk show] How much bigger can those puppies get?

Public Defender Christine Sullivan:
It's none of your business how much bigger my puppies get!

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
[Looks at his check] Twenty bucks? Who does that overstuffed potato think she is?

Rosalind 'Roz' Russell:
[Reading a note that came with the check] This might explain it. 'Dear Dan, you're no Jack Kennedy.'

Harry Stone:
Cleaver, you may be younger, you may be faster, you may even be smarter. But you will NEVER, EVER, be crazier... than me.

[Cleaver challenges Harry to a battle of pranks, but Harry demurs]

Mac:
Sir, I cannot believe you didn't take the challenge!

Roz Russell:
Where is your pride?

Christine Sullivan:
Rip his guts out and use 'em for garters, sir!

[off their looks]

Christine Sullivan:
Metaphorically speaking, Your Honor.

Harry Stone:
Don't you guys understand? I-I don't want to beat Cleaver. I just want to spend my few remaining years in... peaceful contemplation.

[beeping]

Harry Stone:
What's that?

Roz Russell:
It's coming from Cleaver's briefcase.

[Harry pops open the briefcase and peeks inside... and a spring hand pops out, hitting him in the face with a pie. Harry looks up, and slowly rises to his feet, his face still covered with whipped cream]

Harry Stone:
I'M GONNA *WASTE* THE SUCKER!

[cheering]

[after Cleaver challenges Stone to a final duel of pranks]

Mac:
Sir, I don't like this.

Christine Sullivan:
I don't either, sir.

Harry Stone:
Oh, come on now, what's the worst that could possibly happen?

Dan Fielding:
AAH!

[Dan runs down the hallway, chased by a giant, Indiana-Jones size eight ball. He runs out of view - CRASH!]

Roz Russell:
[winces, but] It's okay, the motorcycle gang broke his fall.

Dan Fielding:
AAH!

[Dan flees back up the hallway, pursued by the motorcycle gang]

Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
Life may be filled with pitfalls and uncertainty, but from adversity comes strength.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
[Dan handing out address to his apartment to foreign beauty pageant contestants] This is the address to Dan's apartment. Dan's apartment is Goood!

[in a fit of temper, Dan destroys a portable TV which he learns afterward was Bull's]

Dan Fielding:
Money or revenge?

Bull Shannon:
Revenge.

[Dan takes off his watch, then takes off his shoe and smashes it to pieces]

Bull Shannon:
Thank you.

Bob Wheeler:
[Being brought into the courtroom] Just take us right to the gas chambers, we don't care.

Florence Kleiner:
If only they were all like you.

Wheeler Girl:
I lost my dog. We had to dig her collar out of a tree. [Hands dog collar to Christine Sullivan]

June Wheeler:
She was Carolynn's only friend.

Christine Sullivan:
[Reads the tags on the collar] "Todo"?

Bob Wheeler:
God knows what happened to the puppies.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
So, you're not a judge, anymore?

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
That's right.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
You twerp!

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
[further yelling at Harry for quitting] Why don't you just shut your beanie little face!

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
So you had a couple of bad nights...

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
It wasn't just a couple of bad nights, Dan! A kid got shot! You tell me, that if I go back there, that's not gonna happen again.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
It will happen again... eventually.

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
[after returning to the bench] I owe you big, counselor.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
It was my pleasure, sir.

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
No I mean it. From the bottom of my heart, to the tip... [grabs Dan by the collar and in a threatening tone] of my beanie little face!

Judge Harry T. Stone:
How do they expect a guy to find a date on that short of a notice? [Scoffs] What were they thinking?

Dan Fielding:
[Dan grabs the two tickets and holds them up] Tickets!

Woman:
Where?

Dan Fielding:
Cruise.

Woman:
When?

Dan Fielding:
Saturday.

Woman:
Time?

Dan Fielding:
Eight.

Woman:
Pier?

Dan Fielding:
Sixteen.

Woman:
Okay.

District Attorney Vincent Daniels:
[on Kitty] Drives you crazy, doesn't it? So near, yet so far...

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
Wait a minute, is that what you're up to? You're gonna taunt me, torture me, drive me crazy?

District Attorney Vincent Daniels:
Call it a hobby. Remember: one touch, and I'm cutting you off at the knees!

[He exits]

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
[muttering] Yeah, I'd still be taller than you, you little...

[the Red Ranger is seated under the air conditioner, holding a knife to the rope suspending it from the ceiling]

Red Ranger:
If I can't wear my mask, I'm gonna ride off into that last sunset!

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone:
You can't do that! What about your fans, what are they gonna say?

Rosalind Jane 'Roz' Russell:
So long, Kemo Slab-e.

Red Ranger:
Maybe it is time I took this mask off...

Bill Oxley:
Don't bother. I just got off the phone with the studio. They're pulling the plug. The movie bombed.

Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson:
Aw, ain't that a shame!

Bill Oxley:
They actually burned the screen.

Rosalind Jane 'Roz' Russell:
What about your new Red Ranger?

Bill Oxley:
He resigned on the way to the hospital.

Public Defender Christine Sullivan:
The hospital?

Bill Oxley:
Yeah, they... they jujube-eed him.

[Oxley walks off]

Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
You must be thrilled!

Red Ranger:
[gravely] Oh no, my domed friend. A Ranger never rejoices in the misfortune of others.

[He bows his head, and solemly takes off his hat... then throws it into the air]

Red Ranger:
YEE-HA!

[off their looks]

Red Ranger:
Well, maybe just once.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
[Kitty's been aggressively teasing him] No. And nothing will change my mind.

Kitty:
Not even these pictures I took in the photo booth in the lobby?

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
[looks at them, then gasps in shock] My God! How did you get the stool that high?

District Attorney Vincent Daniels:
[to Dan, while Kitty is wearing a trenchcoat] I have to take my niece shopping for some clothes.

Kitty:
[turns to Dan] All this time in New York...

Kitty:
[opens the coat and Dan's eyes go wide]... And not a thing to wear.

[about Yakov's brother, who doesn't want to go back to the Soviet Union]

Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
Is it really that bad over there?

Yakov Korolenko:
You ever been to Milwaukee?

Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
Yeah.

Yakov Korolenko:
Close your eyes.

Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
Why?

Yakov Korolenko:
Please?

[Bull does]

Yakov Korolenko:
When you open your eyes, you're going to be in the middle of Milwaukee. No matter where you go, no matter how far you run, you're still going to be in the middle of Milwaukee. You can get in a cab, and drive two hundred miles in any direction, and you're still going to be in the middle of Milwaukee. You can get in an airplane, and fly two thousand miles, and you're still...

Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
[clutching his head] NO! STOP, STOP IT!

[Bull rushes away]

Yakov Korolenko:
[to his brother] Works every time.

New Trekker:
Admit it, the old Enterprise was a piece of junk!

Old Trekker:
Oh, yeah? How would you like a Vulcan death grip?

[They start to fight, Bull grabs them both by the collarbone]

New Trekker, Old Trekker:
Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow!

Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon:
How do you like the Baliff Bull grip?

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding:
Your Honor, the defendants were arrested after a disturbance that erupted during a seminar on "Androids on Starfleet Command Vehicles." [pause] Don't you guys ever just get loaded and hire a stripper?

Old Trekker:
Captain Kirk would never have allowed androids on the bridge! Rules are rules.

New Trekker:
Oh, yeah? He didn't seem to have any trouble breaking the Prime Directive anytime he felt like it!

Old Trekker:
Go suck on a Tribble!

New Trekker:
Go sit on a phaser!