Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil

Special Father #1:
When archaeologists unearthed the Black Sea shrimp forks, the Vatican arranged for them to be sent to us in San Francisco. These forks are part of the legendary Last Serving Set and one of the few utensils in the world that can pierce the heart of the anti-christ.

Special Father #1:
[on phone] No, no, no. I appre -- I appreciate that you overnighted them, your holiness. Yes, I know it's expensive. They're 2,000 years old. I know, I know. What can I say, this is, uh, this is my fault. We went to yoga, and we had to sign up, and it was a whole -- It was a fr -- Anyway, tomorrow we'll make sure someone will be here to sign for it.

Satan:
Hello?

Lucy:
Hey! It's me! I need to borrow $180. I want to take a pottery class.

Satan:
Um...I can't really hear you, but I heard dollars so...no?

Lucy:
Where are you?

Satan:
Um, I'm at my dildo factory.

Lucy:
You have a dildo factory?

Satan:
Yeah, of course.

Lucy:
I know Sinsperations!

Satan:
You do?

Lucy:
Yeah, I actually wrote a letter to them once. I had this amazing idea for a...

Satan:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Daddy doesn't wanna hear baby's ideas about d*ldos.

Lucy:
No, it's a vibrator. It's the one --

Satan:
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I don't want to hear this. Thank you.

Lucy:
Dad, so prudish. I'm a big, BIG masturbator.

Satan:
Bye.

Lucy:
I thought you knew that about me. It's kind of my thing.

Satan:
Bye.

Lucy:
You know what? I would love to come in and do product testing.

Satan:
Bye. I shut my phone.

Lucy:
Oh, do you have a "Bring Your Daughter To Work" Day?

Random Kid:
What are you doing?

DJ Jesus:
Oh, I'm, uh, holding my arms out for three days and three nights too break the world record. Y'know, we're also podcasting and videoblogging.

Random Kid:
Yeah? How do you go to the bathroom?

DJ Jesus:
A catheter.

Random Kid:
How do you go poop?

Judas:
That'd be me, right here! You wanna try it?

Random Kid:
Oh, boy, can I?

Judas:
Yeah, is it cool with you, Jesus?

DJ Jesus:
Yeah, it's all right, man.

Random Kid:
Thank you.

Judas:
Okay. Hold it under him.

DJ Jesus:
Here we go...

Judas:
Kid, hold it under him.

Random Kid:
Um...I don't wanna -- Ugh. [surprised] Oh.

DJ Jesus:
So, did you say your Dad has a dildo factory?

Lucy:
I did.

Judas:
Awesome!

DJ Jesus:
We want your dad to make a dildo of me breaking the world record for holding my arms out. We're going to auction it off on holdingmyarmsout.com.

Lucy:
Really?

DJ Jesus:
Yes.

Lucy:
Wow.

Judas:
I'd buy it...FOR MY MOM!

Lucy and DJ Jesus:
...

Judas:
[to someone else] Uh...FOR YOUR MOM! WHOO! Huh?

Becky:
I don't get it.

Worker:
That's the part you have sex with.

Becky:
I don't think you're right.

Worker:
Well, that's the part I'd have sex with.

Special Father #2:
For two minutes, I'm in the bathroom, and the guy comes. It's not my fault!

Special Sister:
Oh, I doubt it was two minutes.

Special Father #1:
Okay, settle down.

Special Sister:
He reads US Magazine cover-to-cover in there!

Special Father #1:
Sister, settle down! It says we can pick it up tomorrow at the distribution center.

Special Sister:
These are some of the most sacred artifacts of the Christian world.

Special Father #2:
I don't read US Magazine!

Special Father #1:
Thank you, Father.

Special Sister:
Yes, you do!

Special Father #2:
I DON'T!

Special Sister:
Yes, you do!

Special Father #1:
Sister, walk away! WALK AWAY!

DJ Jesus:
So many people have come by today and said that it doesn't look hard what I'm doing to hold your arms up like this at a...90 degree angle or higher is, uh, I say, try it, okay? You try it. Most people can't even do it five minutes, forget about three days. I mean, come on.

Security Guard:
Please, come out of there.

Lucy:
Are you talking to me?

Security Guard:
Yes. Is that a dildo in your pocket?

Lucy:
No, I'm just happy to see you.

Security Guard:
Hey, I've heard that one.

Lucy:
I just need one--

Security Guard:
Every shoplifter makes that same joke.

Lucy:
This is my Dad's company! I am not a shoplifter!

[Satan sees DJ Jesus on TV holding his arms out for three days]

Satan:
Look at that smug son of a b*tch. I can hold my arms out for three days...

DJ Jesus:
Yeah, they're stu -- They're stuck like this, um...some kind of paralysis, but I've a, I've got a great medical team. I'm not worried. They're, uh -- We're going to fix it.

Newsreporter:
Is it true you commissioned a dildo of yourself?

DJ Jesus:
Yeah, where's Lucy?

Lucy:
Here I am. [holding her own dildo]

DJ Jesus:
It's being auctioned on the website, guys. Look at the website.

Newsreporter:
What's the website address?

DJ Jesus:
Holdingmyarmsout.com.

Becky:
We're back on top! Here's to Lucy and her horrible dildo!

Satan:
You know what? I don't- I don't want to cheer with d*ldos.

Becky:
What's the problem? That one hasn't been used.

Satan:
And that one has?

Satan and Becky:
Awkward!

DJ Jesus:
I want to push DJing. I want it to be more than DJing. And also less than DJing. That's why I started incorporating nearacles into my set. Nearacles are like AlmostMiracles. They get close... but, you know, it's not quite there. It's a nearacle.

Special Father #1:
At the time, we were also blind to the most horrible secret of all: the Devil's unholy move into the casual, afterwork-style bar & grill business.

[while Satan is still preparing a bar-and-grill business]

Special Father #1:
[narrating] Vulgar and foul, this is the devil's work.

Becky:
[to Satan] This...this is the devil's work? You bought a restaurant.

Satan:
Uh, Becky, a *chain* of restaurants.

Becky:
How can you justify this? How is this evil?

Satan:
Are you kidding?

Delivery Guy:
Excuse me...

Becky:
No, I want to understand.

Satan:
[to DG] Hold on a second.

Delivery Guy:
I got an animatronic burrito here.

Satan:
Oh, the Talking Burrito?

Delivery Guy:
Yeah, the Talking Burrito.

Satan:
Right here, I'll sign.

Satan:
Oh, I'm ordering your Tequila Sally's uniform.

Lucy:
Right.

Satan:
So, what are you? A ten?

Lucy:
A TEN?

Satan:
Twelve? What?

Lucy:
Oh, my God! I'm a six!

Satan:
Ummmm... I don't think so. I mean, really?

Lucy:
Yeah. I-I'm...

Satan:
I-Maybe I don't know women's clothing...

Lucy:
I think maybe you don't. Or women's body types. Because there is no universe in which I am a twelve.

Satan:
Look, okay, Lucy!

Lucy:
Yeah?

Satan:
I don't want to order you a six and then you're gonna tell me a week after I get it for you, "I need a ten," or "I need a twelve."

Lucy:
That's not gonna happen. That's not gonna happen.

Satan:
All right, so, between now and the time the six comes in, you should lose twenty pounds.

Lucy:
DAD!

Satan:
Haha, what?

[after Lucy got done her phone call, she came back and sees his boyfriend being possessed that Lucy's Dog did]

Ethan:
It's all for you, Lucy. [jumps out window]

Lucy:
...Bad dog.

Special Father #1:
We have found it. This is the prophecy. When we translate this text, we will know the identity of the antichrist.

Special Father #1:
It says that a woman will agree to bear the child of Satan in exchange for a Datsun 280zx.

Becky:
Hooves! Hooves! Hooves!

Satan:
Sorry, sorry.

Becky:
I know you're not -- I know it's not on purpose...

Satan:
I know! I know! Noted. Noted.

Becky:
That's -- If it's not the hooves, it's the horns.

Satan:
Well, do you want to stop, or?

Becky:
No, no, no. Let's keep going. Keep going. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It just...

Satan:
Well, now I don't...

Becky:
What? Do I need to...

Satan:
No. I'll- No.

Becky:
Oh, I really...

Satan:
I'll just get some water...

Becky:
I'm glad you're here.

Satan:
I'll be right back.

Satan:
Look, I paid for your stupid art school, didn't I? And I got you a dog. A hypoallergenic dog, mind you, 'cause you're allergic...

Lucy:
Excuse me, did you just say "stupid" art school?

Satan:
...

Lucy:
Dad?

Satan:
No.

Lucy:
Yes, you did!

Satan:
Art is not stupid, Lucy. I got to go.

Satan:
[on phone] This is Satan.

Becky:
Hey, it's Becky.

Satan:
Becky, hey.

Becky:
We have new information. I thought you'd want to know.

Satan:
Me too. I just got some, too.

Becky:
Okay, can I say mine first?

Satan:
No.

Becky:
Please, we got to move quickly here. I got the name of the nightclub.

Satan:
Armageddon?

Becky:
How'd did you know that?

Satan:
[chuckles] How'd I get it? Well, it's complicated.

Becky:
Why?

Satan:
Well, Lucy was actually at that club...

Becky:
At Armageddon?

Satan:
...flirting, yeah, flirting with the DJ.

Becky:
Your daughter?

Satan:
Mm-hmm.

Becky:
The antichrist?

Satan:
That's correct.

Becky:
So was at Armageddon, flirting with someone who may possibly be the Second Coming?

Satan:
Mm-hmm, sounds crappy when you say it.

Special Father #1:
Do you think that on a Coast Guard cutter, in the middle of the ocean, they made instant cocoa and put shaved cinnamon on it?

Special Father #2:
It's possible!

Special Father #1:
It is not possible.

Senator Whitehead:
Uh focusing on ME now! Attention turns back to me, please!

Lucy:
Please [bleep] off!

DJ Jesus:
Whoa! Guys, come on. Hey, look, everyone, this next cut's going out to this guy right here. [to Senator] Shake it, guy, come on.

Senator Whitehead:
Hey [bleep] you pal! [garbled] Stay out of this!

DJ Jesus:
Guy, guy, peace. Bless this brother.

DJ Jesus:
Yo, yo, yo! DJ Jesus is on the mount! Peace, children! Peace!

Lucy:
Hey, you! I love this! It sounds great!

DJ Jesus:
You know, I can't hear you, but I can read your lips. You're like "Blah blah blah great", right?

Becky:
Here- Here's what we have. His name might be Jesus and he's very possibly a DJ who works nightclubs, weddings, bar mitzvahs, proms, that kind of thing, somewhere in California. A little sketchy.

Satan:
Well, you should run the computer model again because...

Becky:
I-I agree!

Satan:
That sounds unlikely that it's another Jesus.

Becky:
I agree.

Satan:
That's impossible.

Lucy:
Dad, I gotta go. I'm going out. We'll talk another time.

Satan:
Oh, oh, oh, oh. Wait, wait.

Lucy:
Have another drink.

Satan:
I have a favor to ask you.

Lucy:
What's the favor?

Satan:
I mean, a present... to give you. I have a present to give you.

Lucy:
What is it?

Satan:
I want you to go out on a date with a friend of mine, who is a U.S. Senator. Right? He's rich and he's good looking. Sort of.

Lucy:
Ew. He's rich? I don't want to be pimped off to some Senator.

Satan:
Look, this date will take you to the highest heights of political power.

Lucy:
I don't want to be on a high height of political power.

Satan:
Well, you're just being contrary now.

Lucy:
But it's a mood point anyway, 'cause you know what? I've actually met a nice guy and I'm with him right now. Which is why I can't talk, so please let me go, okay? Goodbye.

Satan:
Well, I'll tell you something, Lucy. I don't think this "nice guy" is going to be a part of your life for much longer.

Lucy:
What does that mean?

Satan:
Hmm?

Lucy:
I said, what does that mean?

Satan:
[happily] Nothing.

Lucy:
Dad!

Satan:
[evil laughs]

Lucy:
YOU'RE IMPOSSIBLE!

Satan:
Sorry.

Senator Whitehead:
So, did you like riding over here in a helicopter?

Lucy:
Um, no! I actually think it's a total waste of energy to take a helicopter 8 blocks.

Senator Whitehead:
I know! It's hilarious, isn't it?

Becky:
I'm not saying I think you did a bad job. I'm just saying, I'll feel a lot better when you know for sure that the Special Fathers are dead.

Satan:
Okay, Grandma. I'll let you know when they float to the surface.

Becky:
Listen, that's not why I called. I have something else. We're getting reports that the Second Coming may have already happened. The Messiah might be in play in the earthly realm as we speak.

Satan:
No way. C2 in the E.R.

Becky:
C2 in the E.R.

Satan:
[sighs] S of G?

Becky:
What's that?

Satan:
Son of God.

Becky:
Yeah, S of G.

Senator Whitehead:
You're playing it pretty cool with me! Very "get out of my face"! Very "I'm not impressed with your power and money"!

Lucy:
You are an ENORMOUS douchebag!

Captain:
How you doing, folks, this is your captain speakin'. Just wanted to let you know that as soon as we get beverages served, we're going to begin our movie for this flight, which is Legally Blond 2. You can, uh, find the audio on Channel 11.

Captain:
And if you get a chance, also, take a look out your window, because pretty soon, I'm going to point this plane straight down and drive us as deep into the ocean as I can. Your mother sucks [bleep] in hell. Praise, Satan!

Passengers:
...

Co-Pilot:
Hey, folks, this your co-pilot speaking. Um, if there's an exorcist or a priest on board, could you, uh, please identify yourself to a member of the flight crew. I sure would appreciate it, thank you. Kinda need you to do that right away, if you could. Once again, you can find the audio for Legally Blonde 2 on Channel 11.

Demon Voice:
Previously on Lucy, the Daughter of the Devil.

Classmate #1:
Look at the rack on Lucy!

[suddenly Lucy's dog tears Classmate #1 to shreds]

Classmate #1:
AAH! MY FACE!

Classmate #2:
I didn't know we could bring dogs to school.

[Lucy's Dog growlingly stares at Ethan]

Lucy:
Ethan, how is your beer? Is it okay?

Ethan:
It's good.

Lucy:
I don't know what music you like. What's, uh -- Oh, is he growling at you?

Ethan:
Yes, he is.

Lucy:
It's very hard to hear. It's so low, it's like --

Ethan:
It's -- It's not really hard to hear, actually.

Lucy:
[to her dog] Who is Mr. Scary Dog? You are a scary dog.

Ethan:
Hey, can he go -- Can he -- Does he want to check out another room or something?

[Lucy's phone rings]

Lucy:
Oh, hold on one second. [leaves]

Ethan:
Please, please.

Lucy:
Ethan. I'm so sorry. I'll be right back, one sec.

Ethan:
Take him with you.

Lucy:
Just be a sec.

Ethan:
[quietly scared] Take him with you...

Satan:
[on phone] Hey, I just wanted to say sorry about calling so late last night.

Lucy:
Mm-hmm.

Satan:
But I drank four, uh, appletinis and --

Lucy:
Dad, I can't really talk right now.

Satan:
Well, you ever had one? 'Cause they're delicious.

Lucy:
No.

Satan:
Fresh Apple...

Lucy:
No.

Satan:
...Apple Vodka...

Lucy:
No.

Satan:
...Apple Schnapps...

Lucy:
No.

Satan:
...and you --

Lucy:
Dad, Dad, can you stop for a second?

Becky:
So, how's it going with the antichrist project?

Satan:
[writes down] "S of G". I'm an acronym guy.

Becky:
Yeah, I kno -- I know, and sometimes you're thinking it's gonna make the conversation shorter, but it makes it longer 'cause you have to tell me what it means.

Satan:
Right, but it's funner to say letters.

Becky:
Yes, it is fun for you.

Satan:
Do one.

Becky:
Okay, how's it going with the A.C.?

Satan:
The air-conditioning?

Becky:
[tired] See, this is what I mean.

Satan:
What's the A.C.?

Becky:
AntiChrist.

Satan:
Yeah, well, you know, kids today...get distracted easily.

[shows a scene where Satan is watching Tom Goes To The Mayor on TV]

Becky:
Uh-huh.

Satan:
Hey, did I, uh -- [dazed off]

Becky:
Uh-huh?

[while The Senator gets beaten up by the bouncers of the club outside]

Senator Whitehead:
[in pain] That's the kidney park.

Special Father #1:
[on phone] Okay, okay, okay. Bye-bye. [hangs up]

Special Father #2:
Who was that?

Special Father #1:
That was the Pope. He says we should continue to San Francisco any way we can.

Special Father #2:
[slurps] Does this cocoa taste really good to you?

Special Father #1:
[slurps] It's pretty good.

Satan:
This is Satan.

Senator:
[while beaten up] Master, this date isn't going so well.

Satan:
W-What's going on?

Senator:
Well, for one thing, your daughter is a little bit high-strung.

Satan:
I know.

Senator:
And then she starts making eyes at this DJ Jesus. Are you kidding me.

Satan:
[on phone] How's the date going?

Lucy:
It's fantastic. It's the best date ever.

Satan:
The club you're at. Wha -- What's the name of the club?

Lucy:
Armageddon. Why?

Satan:
Listen, I want you to get out of there right now and call me when you're about a block away.

Satan:
[singing while playing his keyboard] There's gonna be a terrible, terrible fire at the club.

Lucy:
What? What?

Satan:
Or, I don't know, maybe a truck is gonna crash into it. Depends on who I can get at this time of night.

Lucy:
What are you talking about?

Satan:
[typing on computer] "Armageddon". Google.

Lucy:
What are you doing?

Satan:
Giving you the address. Got to kill [singing] hmm, hmm again.

[while Satan and Becky are still talking about the Armageddon stuff]

Becky:
I have to say something.

Satan:
It's all set, though. I'm taking care of it.

Becky:
Are you? Because it seems to me, on my end, that you're losing control of your daughter.

[Satan pressed his keyboard hard controlling a random person to light the entire club on fire]

Satan:
WRONG! WRONG, BECKY! I'm not losing control, alright? I'll handle it. God!

Becky:
I hope so!

Satan:
Becky...

Becky:
'Cause from where I'm sitting...

Satan:
...so uptight.

Satan:
[singing] I got it...under control. I got it under control. I am the devil. And I got you under my control.

Special Father #1:
In our quest to kill the antichrist, we scoured the earth, searching for the holy weapons described in the prophecy.

Special Sister:
The Glass Eye of St. Augustine! We can find and destroy the antichrist.

Special Father #1:
Uh, how much for this?

Eyeball Salesman:
$7,000.

Special Father #1:
That's a little steep.

[Special Sister then pulls out her gun and shoots the eyeball salesman]

Special Father #1:
Sister, no. [sighs] This is why I hate shopping with you two.

Special Father #1:
We were not aware at the time, but other forces were gathering. A humble deejay was rising in power and fame.

DJ Jesus:
I want to push deejaying. I want it to be more than deejaying and also less than deejaying.

DJ Jesus:
That's why I started incorporating miracles into my set. Miracles are like almost miracles. They get close, but, you know, it's not quite there. It's a miracle.

DJ Jesus:
Now, I don't know you, do I? We've -- We've never met.

Sexy Woman:
No.

DJ Jesus:
Is your name Delilah?

Sexy Woman:
No.

DJ Jesus:
Oh. Seriously? I'm -- I'm usually good at this. Is this your phone number?

[suddenly birds appear and poop the sexy woman's phone number on street]

Sexy Woman:
Oh, my god, how did you do that?

DJ Jesus:
I'll call you and tell you later...when we are [bleep].

Sexy Woman:
...You're not gonna [bleep] me.

[later]

DJ Jesus:
[on phone] Hello? Open your eyes. It's me on top of you [bleep] you.

[shows a scene where DJ Jesus and the Sexy Woman have sex together while holding their phones]

Special Father #1:
And behind it all, the antichrist, never resting, never wasting a single moment in her dark quest.

Satan:
[on phone with a deep voice] You are the antichrist. Lucy, you are the -- [chuckles] Is that creepy?

Lucy:
Mm-hmm. So, you're just checking in or...?

Satan:
I'm ordering your, uh, Tequila Sally's uniform.

Lucy:
Right.

Satan:
So, what are you, a 10?

Lucy:
[pissed] A 10?!

Satan:
12? What?

Lucy:
Oh, my -- Oh, my god, I'm a 6.

Satan:
Mmm, I don't think so. I mean, really?

Lucy:
Yeah, I-- I'm --

Satan:
Ah, maybe I don't know women's clothing.

Lucy:
I think maybe you don't. Or women's body types because there's no universe in which I'm a 12.

Satan:
Look. Okay. Lucy.

Lucy:
Yeah.

Satan:
I don't want to order you a 6 and then you're gonna tell me a week after I get it for you, "I need a 10", or, "I need a 12".

Lucy:
That's not gonna happen. That's not gonna happen.

Satan:
Alright, so between now and the time the 6 comes in, you should lose 20 pounds. [chuckles]

Lucy:
Dad!

Satan:
[chuckling] What?

Satan:
Hey, I just thought of a new drink. Diet Margarita. Guess what it's called. A Di-arita. Huh?

Lucy:
[tired] Brilliant.

Lucy:
Hey, you know what would be horribly bad and tacky?

Satan:
What's that?

Lucy:
Karaoke.

Satan:
I love karaoke.

Lucy:
I know a guy who could set it up.

Satan:
You do?

Lucy:
Uh-huh.

Satan:
Luce, that's a good idea.

Lucy:
Thank you.

Satan:
I like it -- Like. We could call it, like...

Deep Voice:
Karaoke Tuesday.

DJ Jesus:
Karaoke Tuesdays. Uh, we'll do it.

Lucy:
Really?

DJ Jesus:
A restaurant chain? That's the belly of the beast, man. That's awesome.

Judas:
That is awesome.

DJ Jesus:
We'll shoot it for the DVD, and we won't just do karaoke. We'll do Escapeoke.

Judas:
Whoa, whoa, whoa. DJ J.

DJ Jesus:
Shh. Don't worry about it. It'll be, uh, it'll be a fearacle. Like a fear miracle, you know?

Lucy:
Mm-hmm.

DJ Jesus:
Hey -- Hey, you smell something?

Lucy:
Um...no.

Judas:
I do.

DJ Jesus:
Yeah, you smell it, right, Judas?

Judas:
I do, man, I smell it.

DJ Jesus:
It smells like [sniffs] It smells like fish.

Judas:
It kind of does!

Lucy:
Fish?

DJ Jesus:
Yeah, like, right behind your ear.

[DJ Jesus pulls a fish dish out of Lucy's ear]

Judas:
OH!

Lucy:
Oh. Huh.

DJ Jesus:
[to Lucy] Stay for dinner?

Judas:
Pulled out the platter of fish.

DJ Jesus:
You got that right.

Judas:
Dude, cameraman, tell me you got that?

[Special Sister tries to summon Satan by using the Glass Eye of St. Augustine]

Special Sister:
Show us the spawn of Satan. Glass Eye of St. Augustine, find the antichrist.

[the glass eye moves to SF1]

Special Sister:
I KNEW IT!

Special Father #1:
What?

Special Sister:
IT'S YOU!

Special Father #1:
What?

Special Sister:
You're the antichrist.

Special Father #1:
What are you talk-- No.

Special Sister:
Your weird accent and your fancy shoes with your swagger.

Special Father #1:
What's "Swagger"?

Special Father #2:
Excuse me, Sister, it's the poster.

Special Sister:
What?

Special Father #2:
The poster. The -- The eye is looking at the poster.

Special Sister:
Oh! Oh, my god.

Special Father #1:
Ha. Ha. Ha! Ha. I knew it.

Special Sister:
I'm so sor--

Special Father #1:
I knew it.

Special Sister:
[stress] You just carry yourself in the way that I--

Animatronic Talking Burrito:
Holy guacamole! I'm out of controli!

Becky:
Well, this is the place.

Satan:
I love that talking burrito.

Judas:
Mike check, mike check, one two. ESCAPEOOOOOKE!

DJ Jesus:
Sounds good.

Judas:
Kick-ass acoustics here, man.

Satan:
[to Becky] Oh, this guy?

Becky:
Oh, not this guy.

[after Satan sees Judas is doing Escapeoke for karaoke night]

Satan:
[to Lucy] This is your friend who does karaoke?

Lucy:
Yeah.

Satan:
You know I don't like you hanging around this guy. You know that. I told you that.

Becky:
I thought -- You told me he was dead.

Satan:
He is. He's dead right now. Come on, interns. Lucy, go get us some one of those atacolypses. [to Intern #1] Di-arita?

Intern #1:
Yeah.

Satan:
[to Intern #2] Di-arita?

Intern #2:
Yeah.

Satan:
Three di-aritas.

Lucy:
No, no, no, no, no. You can't kill him. He's the only one who knows how to run the karaoke machine.

Satan:
Right, he runs the karaoke.

Lucy:
Great.

Satan:
Alright, I got to think straight. Uuuuuuum...karoake's good.

Becky:
You've got to be kidding me.

Satan:
[angry] What's the matter, Becky, huh? You don't like singing and fun? Everyone else here does, okay, wet blanket?

Animatronic Talking Burrito:
Holy chimichanga! I'm going out of my manga!

[The Special Fathers and Sister head to Satan's Bar-And-Grill Restaurant]

Special Father #1:
Smells good in here.

Special Father #2:
I am hungry. I-I'm really starving.

Special Sister:
You guys, duh, focus.

Judas:
DJ Jesus has been bound by six pairs of regulation handcuffs supplied by the San Francisco Police Department and 4 different galvanized-steel chains.

[while The Special Sister is still waiting to capture Lucy by using the Glass Eye of St. Augustine]

Special Sister:
We wait until she comes close.

[the Special Fathers checks the menus of this restaurant]

Special Father #2:
Do you want to split this?

Special Father #1:
What is that?

Special Father #2:
It's a sandwich, a pulled-pork sandwich.

Special Father #1:
Oh, pulled-pork. What is this? I thought it was mexican. Why is it all of a sudden a barbecue restaurant?

Special Father #2:
I don't know.

Special Father #1:
This menu is all over the place.

Special Sister:
WE. ARE. ON. A. MISSION!

Special Father #2:
You know, I would split nachos.

Special Father #1:
I am not supposed to eat cheese.

Special Father #2:
You're supposed to eat cheese?

Special Father #1:
No, it'd like an irritable bowel --

Special Sister:
FATHERS!

[when Satan and DJ Jesus keep singing so loudly, the Glass Eye of St. Augustine breaks, failing the mission to capture Lucy]

Lucy:
Sorry to keep you waiting. What can I get you?

Special Sister:
[bleep noises]

Lucy:
So, you need another minute? [to Special Sister] Oh, be careful. It's broken glass.

Special Sister:
Yeah, I know!

Lucy:
I'll go ahead and sweep it up,

Special Sister:
NO, I got it, thank you.

Special Father #1:
Great job, Sister. You and your eye.

Special Sister:
It would have WORKED.

Lucy:
So, you need another minute?

Special Father #1:
No, no, we can order. We'll get the nachos grande.

Lucy:
Great.

Special Father #1:
And, um, two di-aritas.

Lucy:
Terrific.

Special Father #1:
And, um, can we get a side of three refried beans.

Lucy:
No problem.

Special Father #1:
Great. Oh, can I have wa -- uh, ice water, too?

Lucy:
Ice water for both of you?

Special Sister:
I'LL HAVE A CHICKEN CON CARNE!

Special Father #1:
You know what? I'm gonna get some fried jalapenos as well.

Lucy:
Okay.

Special Father #1:
Yeah.

Special Sister:
FINE!

Lucy:
I'll be right back with your nachos.

Special Father #1:
And a strawberry di-arita.

Special Sister:
THIS IS A DISASTER!

Special Father #1:
[to Lucy] You know, as a backup. I mean, if we're gonna start the car, we might as well have a good engine, huh? You know what I mean?

Lucy:
I do.

Special Father #1:
You're cute.

Lucy:
Thank you.

Special Father #1:
I like your outfit.

Special Sister:
FATHER!

Lucy:
You don't think it's too small?

Special Father #1:
No, it's good. They certainly stuffed you in that one, huh?

Becky:
Come on, champ. We got a little bit too much to drink.

Satan:
[drunk] No, I didn't.

Becky:
And now it's time to

Satan:
No, I didn't.

Becky:
Can somebody find his sweater?

Satan:
Give me a kiss.

Becky:
Satan, stop. Stop.

Satan:
Kiss the devil. [sexy noises]

Becky:
Stop it.

Satan:
Hey, buddy.

DJ Jesus:
Hey, Lucy's Dad.

Satan:
No, not you, the snake.

DJ Jesus:
Oh.

Satan:
[laughs] Gotcha!

DJ Jesus:
Oh! [laughs] Oh, you dick.

Satan:
Come here.

[Satan hug DJ Jesus]

Satan:
Where are you going, man?

DJ Jesus:
Where you going?

Satan:
Let's stay here.

DJ Jesus:
Let's do it.

Becky:
According to our studies, if the people of the world masturbate just 8% more, civilization will collapse.

Becky:
We feel that men can't possibly masturbate more, but women -- Women can.

Satan:
Yeah, especially her. [referring to Becky] [laughs]

Satan:
[to a worker] Translate that.

Interpreter:
[speaking foreign language]

Employees:
[laughing]

Becky:
What?

Satan:
Uh, nothing.

Becky:
I just -- I have a flow going, and it doesn't help. It's hard not having an interpreter, but then to have you throw these things in.

Interpreter:
[speaks foreign language]

Becky:
[to Interpreter] No, you don't have to interpret this part.

Satan:
[to Interpreter] Sir, stop.

Becky:
Civilization could collapse at any moment. It's time to start phase two. Satan!

Satan:
Sorry. What? I just got an e-mail from Lucy. She's killing me with this stuff.

Satan:
[types to Lucy] "Leave me alone". Send.

Lucy:
[types to his Dad] [laughs] "If you don't like that, you're gonna hate this".

[Lucy posted a drawing of a handle with multiple d*ldos]

Becky:
I don't get it.

Interpreter:
That's the part you have sex with.

Becky:
I don't think you're right.

Interpreter:
Well, that's the part I'd have sex with.

Satan:
Alright, will you delete it? I don't want to look at it.

Interpreter:
Make it a screen saver.

[Lucy comes by to Satan's Dildo Factory for assistance]

Satan:
[to the security guard on camera] No, don't let her in.

Lucy:
Dad, just let me into the workshop. I'll do the rest.

Satan:
Never.

Lucy:
This is a promotional opportunity. Just give me the motor and the shaft.

Satan:
Lucy, go home.

Passport Guy:
[checks SF1's credit card] I don't even know what this -- What is "Vatican City" Special Fa--

Special Father #1:
I am a Special Father of the Vatican City.

Passport Guy:
You got a passport?

Special Father #1:
This is better than a passport.

Passport Guy:
I need a passport or a U.S. Driver's license.

Special Father #1:
This is ridiculous. I can get in to see the pope with this, but I can't pick up a [bleep] package. This is [bleep]

Special Sister:
[to Passport Guy] You know who gives these out? God gives these out. Who did your background check, [bleep]?

Passport Guy:
Sir, you need to calm down.

Special Sister:
SIR?!

[Special Sister beats up the Passport Guy]

Special Father #1:
[to Special Sister] Sister. Okay, go and get the package.

Special Father #2:
Hey, you smell something burning?

[shows a scene outside the window where Lucy runs away holding a motor after Satan's Dildo Factory exploded]

Special Father #1:
Burning Man. We went on orders of the Vatican because the prophecy speaks of an unholy storm rising in the desert, snuffing out millions of lives, unless a certain DJ is there to perform Saturday at 8:00.

[the Special Fathers and Sister head to Burning Man]

Special Sister:
I'm thirsty.

Special Father #2:
Yeah, I'm a hot. Are you hot?

Special Father #1:
We should have packed better.

Back Rubs Guy:
Back rubs. Back rubs. Back ruuubs! [to Special Sister] You look tense.

[Special Sister kills Back Rubs Guy]

Special Sister:
Check his backpack. Does he have water?

Special Father #1:
Water, lentil salad, couscous.

Special Sister:
TAKE IT!

Special Father #1:
The DJ's arrival was eagerly awaited, not just by us, but by his followers and apostles. They knew nothing of the danger they faced. They were simply drawn by his greasy charisma and awesome Burning Man art installation.

Judas:
Okay, here's the deal -- Everyone said it couldn't be done, but we did it. We molded 44 tons of wax into this giant scented candle/DJ booth/dance floor/actual working candle.

Newsreporter:
What scent is it?

Judas:
Caramel apple. You can't smell that?

Lucy:
Isn't DJ Jesus supposed to be doing that?

Judas:
Luce, I'm doing a thing here.

Lucy:
But you don't need to be doing a thing here. He's gonna be here any minute.

Judas:
I'm doing my thang!

Becky:
There are simpler ways to keep him from getting to Burning Man.

Satan:
Beck.

Becky:
It just seems so elaborate. Why does everything have to be about temptation?

Satan:
Becky, everything doesn't have to be about temptation, but, sometimes it's hard to resist.

Becky:
[tired] Mm-hmm.

Satan:
Yeah.

Becky:
It's funny.

DJ Jesus:
Hey, Lucy's Dad!

Satan:
Hey, how's it going?

DJ Jesus:
Eh, not so good, duh, I had an accident. Then I was walking, and then I thought I saw a building but it was a rock and now I can't find my way back to the road.

Satan:
Wow, what a story. What a great story. You alright or-- You look-- You look done in.

DJ Jesus:
Well, I haven't had food or water in 40 minutes.

Satan:
40 minutes?!

DJ Jesus:
Yeah.

Satan:
40 minutes?

DJ Jesus:
Yeah.

Satan:
Oh, my god. Well, then you probably won't mind stopping in the food court?

[Satan use his mind bending powers to make a food court]

DJ Jesus:
Whoa! How'd this get here?

Satan:
How about a smoothie?

DJ Jesus:
Um, you know, no thanks.

Satan:
They have great wraps here. Look, Free samples.

Free Sample Woman:
Teriyaki bites?

DJ Jesus:
Oh, uh, no, no meat for me, please. No meat. Thank you.

Satan:
[to Free Sample Woman] Get out of here.

[the Free Sample Woman then gets replaced as a Free Sample Magno Woman that Satan managed]

Mango Woman:
Mango?

Satan:
Mmm. Mango. So good.

Satan:
How about some home electronics, hmm? Pick out anything you like, 75% off.

DJ Jesus:
Uh...oh, yeah? Really?

Satan:
Go nuts.

[while DJ Jesus still picking a TV]

Satan:
That's a great choice. Want to, uh, get the extended warranty with that?

Ominous Voice:
Extended warranty.

DJ Jesus:
Oh, um...I don't know. I'm not sure.

Satan:
Alright, forget about that. Let's talk about surround sound.

Ominous Voice:
Surround sound.

DJ Jesus:
Yeah, I really should just be going.

Satan:
There's a mail-in rebate on this system.

Ominous Voice:
Mail-In Rebate.

DJ Jesus:
Hey, you know what? I'm feeling a lot of weird pressure right now, so I think I'm just gonna split, okay?

Satan:
N-N-No pressure. No pre-- Where are you going? Where are you going?

Special Sister:
I'm looking for a DJ!

All Naked Guys:
I'm a DJ.

Special Father #1:
Uh...uh...uh...uh...huh?

Special Father #2:
What?

Special Father #1:
What?

Special Father #2:
What is with your tongue?

Special Father #1:
I, uh, found some mushrooms in the backpack, and I ate them. And now I'm, uh, starting to feel a little bit...

Special Father #2:
Oh, give me some.

Special Father #1:
There all gone, I ate them all. Take these.

[as SF2 eats a different drug, Special Sister came to stop it]

Special Sister:
Don't eat that! Spit it! Spit!

[SF2 spits out the thing that SF1 gave]

Special Sister:
[to SF1] You! Mr. Bad Influence!

Special Father #1:
They were in the backpack.

Special Sister:
What's wrong with you?

Special Father #1:
YOU DON'T RUN MY LIFE!

Special Sister:
YOU'RE BECOMING A DRUG ADDICT!

Special Father #1:
[runs away] YOU'RE RUINING BURNING MAN FOR ME!

DJ Jesus:
Look, I really, really need to get to Burning Man, so...

Satan:
It's okay. This is a shortcut.

Becky:
[to Satan] You're getting burned.

Satan:
Shh!

Becky:
Your whole scalp.

Satan:
Becky.

Satan:
Oh, my god. Just remembered -- Jesus, I want to show you something. It's on the way. It's a brothel.

DJ Jesus:
It's a brothel? I don't think I want to go to a brothel.

Satan:
No, no, no, we're in Nevada. It's a legal brothel.

DJ Jesus:
Okay, still, I think I'll pass.

Satan:
It's on top of a mountain, a beautiful mountain.

DJ Jesus:
Uh-huh.

Satan:
And it's also a lion and tiger big-cat sanctuary. It's called Temptasia.

DJ Jesus:
Whoa, that's like, uh, a lot of my favorite things all smooshed together.

Satan:
All what?

DJ Jesus:
Smooshed.

Satan:
Smooshed? Smushed.

DJ Jesus:
Yeah, you know like, you take-- Yeah, smoosh. Smooshed.

Satan:
You have a strong accent, so...you like smushes?

DJ Jesus:
What's that?

Satan:
Like two words you smush together.

DJ Jesus:
Ehm, that sounds fun. Sure.

Satan:
Do it.

DJ Jesus:
Give me two words and I'll, uh, smoosh them.

Satan:
Do lion and tiger.

DJ Jesus:
Uh...

Satan:
Liger.

DJ Jesus:
Tialineger.

Satan:
[chuckles] No. That's not a smush. That's like--

DJ Jesus:
It is a smush. What do you mean it's not a smush?

Satan:
You're taking both words and you're mixing up all the letters. That's different.

DJ Jesus:
It's not a smush, the way you do a smush. It is a smush how I do a smush.

Becky:
We're there. This is it!

DJ Jesus:
Uh, this is a mountain?

Becky:
It's a small mountain/hill.

Satan:
It's a mill. How would you say it?

DJ Jesus:
I would probably not do it like that. I would probably say a himilountain.

Satan:
[wheezes] Which is longer than -- The whole purpose of smushing would be to shorten the --

DJ Jesus:
Is that the whole purpose, or is it to have fun?

Satan:
That's the most awkward way to do it.

Becky:
Wow! 1/4-scale diesel cog railway. Who's on board? Guys, chugga-chugga. Come on.

Satan:
Chugga-chugga?

DJ Jesus:
The problem is that you like to impose your opinion on how I want to do things. So, you do mill. I will do himilountain.

Satan:
I agree with you. I'm saying I agree with you.

DJ Jesus:
The end.

Satan:
What do you mean "The End"?

DJ Jesus:
The end is you have your opinion, I have mine. So, what else is there to talk about?

Satan:
Its not the end.

Judas:
Well, it looks like DJ Judas will be spinning tonight.

Lucy:
He'll be here.

Special Father #1:
[high] Can I -- Can I lick it?

Lucy:
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down there, grandpa.

[Special Father #1 then humps the giant candlestick]

[DJ Jesus visit Temptasia]

Satan:
What do you mean you don't like it?

DJ Jesus:
I don't know its just, uh, not my thing.

Satan:
What? It just what?

DJ Jesus:
Well, first of all, I mean, you know, uh, [whispers] these ladies are kind of old.

Satan:
Not all of them.

Satan:
Let's go out on the patio. We'll find some baby tigers. Ariel, Brooke, Granny, Ethel, Sadie, Sonia, Navy Seal Nancy, we're going out on the patio. Please join us and bring some, uh, hard lemonade. [to DJ Jesus] You like hard lemonade, right?

DJ Jesus:
Um...

Satan:
It's great.

DJ Jesus:
Uh, where are the tigers?

Satan:
They're all down there -- Somewhere. I mean, you can hear them, right?

[Satan and Becky making tiger noises]

DJ Jesus:
Listen, I should really get to Burning Man. Uh, you guys think this is a party, you should check out that --

Satan:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Not so fast. Becky, eh? Becky.

Becky:
Oh, uh, how would you like to *own* Temptasia Mountain?

DJ Jesus:
Yeah, I really should get going.

Satan:
Jesus, just listen to the pitch, okay?

DJ Jesus:
[to Satan] You look so mad right now.

Satan:
[passive aggressive] I'm excited! I'm excited about you and this opportunity.

Special Father #1:
[crying while high] This candle is...so beautiful!

[Satan, DJ Jesus, and Becky gets into a sandstorm]

DJ Jesus:
Get behind me, Satan.

Satan:
What? What'd you say?

DJ Jesus:
I said get behind me, you and Betsy.

Becky:
"Becky"!

DJ Jesus:
I'll shield you from the sand. I've got glasses on. We can try to make it inside.

Satan:
Alright, great, but don't say "get behind me". I got a thing about that.

DJ Jesus:
Seriously, dude, if you like these chicks, you got to check out Burning Man. It's like Sodom and Gomorrah.

Satan:
Really?

Becky:
What'd he say?

DJ Jesus:
It's all glitter and body paint. No one wears clothes.

Satan:
Really?

[Satan, DJ Jesus, and Becky suddenly found a car, and drive their way to Burning Man while singing Burning Man]

Satan and DJ Jesus:
[singing repeatingly] Driving to Burning Man.

Becky:
ENOUGH!

Satan and DJ Jesus:
...

Satan:
[singing] Becky's in the backseat.

Satan and DJ Jesus:
[singing] Becky's in the backseat.

Becky:
[shaking rapidly]

[Satan enjoys Burning Man]

Satan:
Look at that bike that looks like a dragon.

Becky:
Mm-hmm.

Satan:
And look at that guy with the silver horns!

Becky:
Yep.

Satan:
Look at that guy who painted an eye on his eyelid so that when he closes his eye, you see another eye!

Becky:
I get it. You're --

Satan:
LOOK AT THAT GUY WITH GLITTER IN HIS BEARD!

Becky:
Uh-huh.

Satan:
LOOK AT THAT WOMAN RIDING A HUGE ICE CREAM CONE!

Becky:
I get it. It's all amazing to you. I still can't believe you gave him a ride.

[Satan sees her daughter busting some sexy moves with Special Father #1]

Satan:
Man, look at these two. Hey, you two, get a tent.

Becky:
I think that's your daughter.

Satan:
Holy crap, you're right. Lucy!

Lucy:
Dad?

Special Father #1:
Oh, boy. [quietly runs away immediately]

Satan:
Okay, you know that lump I had in my armpit?

Becky:
Yes.

Satan:
I had it removed.

Becky:
Terrific.

Satan:
Guess what?

Becky:
What?

Satan:
It was a teratoma.

Becky:
What's a teratoma?

Satan:
A teratoma is a tumor that grows teeth and hair.

Becky:
Oh.

Satan:
It's the most disgusting thing in the world.

Becky:
Yeah.

Satan:
And I'd like to introduce you.

[Satan shows Becky his teratoma]

Becky:
Oh!

Satan:
Becky, this is Terry.

Terry:
Hello, Becky.

Becky:
Oh, my god, it talks? And it sounds like you.

Satan:
Isn't it great?

Becky:
Sort of.

Satan:
I mean, of course it sounds like me, 'cause it's part of me. It's -- It's my genetic material, but concentrated into, like, a ball of teeth and hair.

Becky:
Wow.

Terry:
Yeah, and I have more hair.

Satan:
Hey, at least I don't have a lisp.

Terry:
[lisping] Do I have a lisp?

Satan:
Well, a little.

Terry:
Shut up, Satan.

Becky:
This is, like, the worst ventriloquist act I have ever seen.

Special Father #1:
But the forces of life can spread, too, spread like good news. In this case, the good news was a young DJ's delightful debut novel that combined the christian allegory of the "Chronicles of Narnia" with the folksy wisdom of "Tuesdays with Morrie".

[Lucy sees DJ Jesus' new novel that's been spreading around the country]

Lucy:
I can't believe you wrote this.

DJ Jesus:
Lucy, nothing in the book is meant to be read literally.

Lucy:
But it is literal, it's about me and you and things that we've done together.

DJ Jesus:
Right, but it's not meant to be taken literally.

Lucy:
You changed one letter in my name.

DJ Jesus:
Yes, her name is Lacy, and she's, uh, tall and thin, which you are not.

Lucy:
...Are you trying to hurt me?

DJ Jesus:
Of course not. Why would I do that? I love you.

Lucy:
Oh.

DJ Jesus:
You are welcome.

Special Sister:
This counsel has chosen to consider the interpretation of Special Father #1. Father, have you completed the book?

Special Father #1:
Okay, um, I didn't actually get a chance to finish the book, but, uh, I'm glad to be here.

Special Sister:
I SEE! You petitioned for entry into this order, BUT YOU CAN'T BE BOTHERED TO FINISH THE BOOK!

Special Father #1:
I made this zucchini bread.

[Special Sister hits SF1 with the book]

Nun:
Mary, please.

Special Sister:
SILENCE! I am hosting this week. I make the rules. [hits the same nun with the book] When you host, you can do it your way. Zucchini bread.

[Satan change the channel and sees DJ Jesus' novel publishing]

Becky:
That book is a big problem.

Satan:
Don't worry about it. I already posted a bad review on Amazon.

Becky:
THAT'S NOT ENOUGH!

Special Father #1:
The DJ story touched even more lives than he could reach with his deep-house and trans-house music. And now his book was being made into a made-for-tv movie, featuring DJ Jesus as himself.

Special Sister:
Um, I don't know how to say this. I'm just gonna say it. I think it's best if you don't come to book group.

Special Father #1:
Oh, is that so?

Special Father #2:
Wait, there's a book group?

Special Sister:
[to SF1] Yeah, sorry. I just -- I don't know if you're the right fit for the group. Like, I think you're a great guy, but I just don't know if it, like, works.

Special Father #1:
Well, it's funny you should mention that because Sister Louisa called me last night.

Special Sister:
Oh, she did?

Special Father #2:
You guys have a book group?

Special Father #1:
[to Sister] Yes. She did. She's forming a new group, and she invited me to join it. And she asked me to ask you NOT to come.

Special Sister:
I see.

Special Father #1:
She was uncomfortable, I think. I think you have kind of a...masculine energy which rubs people the wrong way.

Special Sister:
MASCULINE?

Special Father #1:
Well, yes, for a group like that. They're nuns, but they're still women, you know.

Special Sister:
What, do I have a penis?

Special Father #1:
...No, not necessarily.

Special Sister:
I don't. Look. [shows her naked body] LOOK AT HERE!

Special Father #1:
[looks away] Well, how do I know it's not taped behind...

Special Sister:
I have not tucked a penis behind my legs.

Special Father #1:
Okay, fine. We're getting off point. [to SF2] Hey, I bet Father Benetti will be in a book club with you.

Special Father #2:
[happily] Oh, okay.

Special Sister:
[tired] Great.

[Satan tries calling Becky]

Satan:
She's not answering. Probably out at a bar. Oh, wait. That's me.

Satan:
Hey, listen, I want to, uh, talk to you about something.

Lucy:
Yeah?

Satan:
You aren't jealous that I've been spending a lot of time with Terry lately, are you?

Lucy:
Terry, your teratoma?

Satan:
Yeah.

Lucy:
No.

Satan:
Well, here's the deal. I don't want you to think that he's replacing you...

Lucy:
I don't.

Satan:
...just because he's been doing most of the stuff you're supposed to do.

Lucy:
He has?

Satan:
Yeah.

Lucy:
Like what kind of stuff?

Satan:
Like work stuff, like for me. Like making me proud...which is something you choose not to do.

Lucy:
Dad, can I tell you something?

Satan:
Mm-hmm.

Lucy:
I have never seen more of you.

Satan:
What do you mean? What does that mean?

Lucy:
I mean since Terry, I've never seen more of you. You've been here every day for, like, two weeks.

Satan:
Well, I'm -- I'm -- That's because --

Lucy:
I personally think he's replacing you. I mean, didn't you used to have a job?

Satan:
What?! That's ridiculous, Lucy. You're just bitter...

Lucy:
I'm not bitter.

Satan:
...that your boyfriend wrote a best-seller about you and then dumped you.

Lucy:
It's an allegory.

[DJ Jesus and his crew head down to Satan's restaurant]

DJ Jesus:
[to his crew] See? Isn't it perfect? It's so corny and stupid and inauthentic. I mean, you can't fake this.

DJ Jesus:
Oh, hey Lucy, Lucy's Dad. So what do you think? We're thinking of shooting here. How do you feel about it?

Satan:
You want to shoot here?

DJ Jesus:
Yeah, it's perfect for the tequila sally scene.

Satan:
I bet. I assume you would negotiate a location fee.

DJ Jesus:
Of course.

Satan:
That's great. Lucy.

Lucy:
Yeah?

Satan:
Lucy, we're gonna have a movie here.

Lucy:
[quietly] Yay.

Satan:
Jesus, uh, I've done a little bit of acting here and there.

DJ Jesus:
Okay. I didn't know that.

Satan:
I would love to play myself in the -- In -- In your movie if I could. I mean, you're gonna shoot here. I'm gonna be here.

DJ Jesus:
No can do. Your part is gonna be CG.

Satan:
CG? That sucks.

DJ Jesus:
Well, you can be an extra. How about that?

Satan:
Okay!

DJ Jesus:
I'll talk to a budget, and maybe we can get you a line. [leaves]

Satan:
Give me a line. Give me a line. I'll do a line.

[Becky arrives at the bar with Terry]

Satan:
Becky, I've been trying to r-- Oh. Hey, Terry.

Terry:
Satan.

Satan:
Were you guys somewhere together?

Becky:
No, I was at the gym.

Satan:
That's weird. You...just said two different things.

Becky:
We met about that thing, and then I went to the gym.

Satan:
Um, what are you doing here?

Terry:
We're celebrating. I happen to have killed the DJ.

Satan:
What? He's right there.

Becky:
He's what?

[shows the next scene where DJ Jesus is drinking tequila while acting]

Becky:
Terry, I thought you said you killed him.

[Becky bangs Terry's body on table a couple of times]

Terry:
Let's kill him now.

Satan:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. Ho -- Hold on. They're gonna shoot a movie here, and I'm charging him a location fee, and that's gonna make us a little money, and I happen to also have a little part in the movie, so let's wait till after.

Becky:
[sighs] Fine, fine. [leaves]

Terry:
Pfft, great.

Satan:
[offended] Wh-- Great? What does "great" mean, Terry?

[as Terry tries to kill DJ Jesus]

Satan:
Don't kill him now. Aight. You know what? I'm gonna take you on a tour of the kitchen. Would you like that? Tour of the kitchen. Huh?

[Satan gives Terry a tour of the kitchen]

Satan:
So, here it is. Great. We got a walk-in. We got a couple of microwaves over there, and stainless steel.

Terry:
Uh-huh.

Satan:
Hola!

[the kitchen worker waves back]

Satan:
Oh, yeah, and the, uh -- Here's the deep fryer.

[Satan drops Terry into the deep fryer causing his death]

Satan:
Bastard.

Lucy:
Hey, what are you doing back here?

Satan:
Oh, just giving Terry a tour.

Lucy:
Where's Terry?

Satan:
Uh, put him in the deep fryer.

Lucy:
Well, that's good timing, 'cause DJ Jesus just ordered up a veggie burger.

[Lucy grabs Terry from the deep fryer as a burnt up veggie burger]

Satan:
[amazed] Lucy.

Lucy:
Yes?

Satan:
[amazed] Evil.

Lucy:
Yes.

Satan:
[amazed] Very evil.

[DJ Jesus takes a bite out of the veggie burger]

DJ Jesus:
Is this a tooth?

[Satan arrives for the Human Sacrifice]

Satan:
Sorry I'm late. Holy [bleep] it's hot in here. [sniffs] Uh, I brought Pinot Grigio. Where can I chill this?

Cult Member #1:
Hey, that's a great sweater.

Satan:
Thanks a lot.

Cult Member #2:
Yeah, it's so Cosby.

Cult Member #1:
Where'd ya -- Where'd you get it?

Satan:
I got it from Cosby.

Cult Member #1:
Oh, seriously?

Satan:
Yeah. I know him.

Senator Whitehead:
Just wanna let you know that we're on schedule to announce my candidacy for president friday night -- The big sacrifice at Bohemian Grove.

Satan:
Ugh, two sacrifices in one week?

Senator Whitehead:
Master, you have to come. I mean, this one is just, like, friends and family, but Friday's the real one.

Satan:
Oh, yeah, fine, fine.

Senator Whitehead:
Half of Washington is flying in.

Satan:
Hey, I said I'll come.

Senator Whitehead:
Great. Oh, hey, uh, any requests for who we should sacrifice?

Satan:
Um, I don't know. Don't you usually do that? I just show up.

Senator Whitehead:
Yeah, yeah. I'm just asking in case you had someone special in mind. But I'll take care of it.

Satan:
Hey, wait. You know what? I do have someone that might be fun. Hold on. I'm gonna make a phone call.

[Satan calls her daughter]

Lucy:
Hello?

Satan:
Oh, [bleep] I hate this headset.

Lucy:
Hello?

Satan:
Ugh!

Lucy:
Hello?

Satan:
Luce?

Lucy:
Hi.

Satan:
Dada.

Lucy:
I know.

Satan:
I'm on my headset.

Lucy:
You don't have to tell me that. It doesn't make a difference to me.

Satan:
Well, does it sound funny?

Lucy:
No, it sounds normal.

Satan:
I'm at a party.

Lucy:
Great.

Satan:
Hey, can I get your, uh, boyfriend's phone number?

Lucy:
Why?

Satan:
I want to invite him somewhere.

Lucy:
Why do want to invite my boyfriend somewhere?

Satan:
I want to invite him to, like, a guys-only barbecue.

Lucy:
Oh!

Satan:
I want to get to know him.

Lucy:
Like a bonding kind of thing?

Satan:
Yes, exactly.

Lucy:
Okay.

Satan:
Build a fire in the woods, get all undressed, yell at the sky.

Lucy:
Alright, it's getting less appealing, so why don't I just give you the number.

Satan:
Howl like the wolves!

Reggie:
Hi, Satan, um, do you have a second?

Satan:
Actually, I was, uh, just leaving.

Reggie:
I know, it's just, I'm a longtime minion. I'm a huge fan.

Satan:
Oh, great. Thanks.

Reggie:
You know, I, um, I do comedy.

Satan:
Oh, that's great.

Reggie:
And I want to be, like, a really successful stand-up, and I was just wondering, um, is there any way you can help me with that? I mean, if I sold my soul or whatever, you know, something like that?

Satan:
Yeah, sure, we can arrange something.

Reggie:
Great. Wow, okay. So, how do-- How do we do this? Um...

Satan:
You go on this website right here and download the PDF.

Reggie:
Oh.

Satan:
Alright?

Reggie:
Okay, yeah, great.

Satan:
Yeah, we're online now.

Cult Member #3:
And pledging my soul to you?

Satan:
It's all on the site.

DJ Jesus:
I don't know what to tell you. My feet just look good in sandals.

Judas:
They look great, man. I love your feet.

DJ Jesus:
Look if you got it, flaunt it. Sandals are like bikinis for you feet.

Judas:
LOVE THAT!

DJ Jesus:
[laughs]

Judas:
That's awesome, dude.

[DJ Jesus gets a call]

DJ Jesus:
Peace on earth?

Senator Whitehead:
DJ Jesus?

DJ Jesus:
Ah, it's Jesus.

Senator Whitehead:
Oh. This is Bob Whitehead, from the United States Senate.

DJ Jesus:
Uh, yeah, I don't give money over the phone. Please remove me from your list.

Senator Whitehead:
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I don't want your money. I want to hire to DJ this friday.

DJ Jesus:
Yeah, I'll have to check my schedule. I don't think I'll have time.

Senator Whitehead:
I got to tell ya, this is not just any event. Imagine the most amazing dance party/orgy/political summit on the planet.

DJ Jesus:
Okay, I'm imagining that.

Senator Whitehead:
Did you see "Eyes Wide Shut"?

DJ Jesus:
Yes, I did see that.

Senator Whitehead:
It's like that, but Alan Greenspan will be there, and Bono.

[the Special Father and Sister go to a mask store to disguise themselves at a ritual human sacrifice ceremony]

Mask Woman Cashier:
Something like this? [holds up a clown mask]

Special Father #1:
No, no. You didn't see "Eyes Wide Shut"?

Mask Woman Cashier:
No, sorry.

Special Sister:
Who cares. It's probably fine.

Special Father #1:
No, it's not fine. They'll spot us in two seconds with that.

Special Father #2:
Hey, I like a this one. [holds up a puppy mask]

Special Father #1:
No, it's not trick-or-treat. It's a very specific kind of mask.

Mask Woman Cashier:
For an orgy.

Special Father #1:
YES, for an orgy.

Special Sister:
I would wear this to an orgy. [puts on a purple yeti monster mask]

Special Father #2:
You know what, I'd wear it to an orgy, too.

Becky:
Satan?

Satan:
Hmm?

Becky:
You got a minute?

Satan:
Not really. I got to write some material for this comedian.

Becky:
Well, I just wanted to talk to you about Lucy. She need to be The Senator's date at the Bohemian Grove Sacrifice.

Satan:
You know how hard it is to write a joke -- Just one joke?

Becky:
Did you hear me?

Satan:
What?

Becky:
We're moving into a serious phase here. Whitehead could take the presidency, and Lucy should be at his side, as we've always planned.

Satan:
Right, right, right. Can I read you a couple?

Becky:
[sighs] Yeah.

Satan:
Alright, so, you know when you're, uh, you're in the bathroom stall and you're taking a poop next to someone else who's taking a poop?

Becky:
Really?

Satan:
What?

Becky:
Poop jokes?

Satan:
...Yeah, they're funny.

Becky:
That's what you've been working on all day -- Poop jokes?

Satan:
Well...yeah. What's wrong with that?

Satan:
Becky.

Becky:
Uh-huh?

Satan:
You go poop.

Satan:
I know you do.

[Satan comes to Reggie's house and shows him his jokes]

Reggie:
Really? Poop?

Satan:
Yes, poop. Poop.

Reggie:
'Cause I got a couple jokes about my kids and changing diapers, and it's a good start --

Satan:
No, no, no, kids. Kids aren't funny.

Reggie:
Okay, you know. I got this whole chunk about marriage and its pretty solid. It goes over--

Satan:
No, also not good. Marriage -- No good.

Reggie:
Okay.

Satan:
[to Reggie's Wife when she gave them coffee] Hi.

Reggie's Wife:
Hi.

Satan:
Thanks.

Satan:
Reggie, you need a hook, right?

Reggie:
Yeah.

Satan:
Yeah, I just don't have that one joke I told you. I got a whole bunch of jokes about poop.

Reggie:
Oh, yeah?

Satan:
Yeah, you're gonna be Reggie, the Poop Guy -- The [bleep] Comedian.

Reggie:
Okay?

Satan:
What's your last name?

Reggie:
Goldstein.

Satan:
You'll be like -- You'll be like, Reggie "I'm taking a [bleep]" Goldstein.

Reggie:
Oh, yeah, o-okay.

Lucy:
[on phone] Um, I'm just going to a thing for my Dad. Some political thing. Boring. What are you doing?

DJ Jesus:
Oh, uh, nothing. Just some gig -- A bar mitzvah. It's, uh, not an orgy.

Lucy:
What?

DJ Jesus:
What?

Lucy:
Did you just say it's not an orgy?

DJ Jesus:
Yes.

Lucy:
That's so weird. Why would you say that? Why would you explicitly say, "it's not an orgy"?

DJ Jesus:
Um, I'm losing you, Luce.

Lucy:
It's not the kind of thing --

DJ Jesus:
No, I really can't hear you with what you just said. I can't hear. I'm gonna call you later.

Satan:
Minions, worship me. Kneel before me.

Cult Members:
Praise Satan.

Satan:
Ten presidents have announced their candidacy in front of this unholy altar. We celebrate the quest for power. We desecrate this ground with blood and FIRE!

Cult Members:
Praise Satan!

Satan:
Bur first, please put your hands together for our opening act. You've seen him on "Premium Blend". Folks, please welcome the very funny Reggie Goldstein.

Reggie:
Yeah, alright. Let's keep it going for Satan. Huh? Keep it going for him. Satan.

Reggie:
Hey, I got to tell ya, I got to ask ya -- Has this ever happened to you? You're in the bathroom, like a public bathroom at the mall or something, and some guy's in the stall next to you, right, taking a big, old dump, and, uh, he does that thing where he's coughing 'cause he's trying to cover up the noise. But this guy, he's kind of missed. The timing's a little off, so he's like [coughs and make fart sounds] It's like, what's going on? It's a like a badly done karate movie.

Satan:
[laughs] Yes.

Reggie:
Um, yeah, you ever, uh, do that thing where you go to wipe your ass, and uh, the toilet paper...

[while the Special Fathers and Sister are sneaking in the Bohemia Grove that the cult is doing human sacrifice]

Special Sister:
Are we there?

Special Father #1:
No. We're going in circles.

Reggie:
[on stage] Tickling Captain Brownbeard.

Satan:
[on stage] [laughs]

Special Father #1:
Is someone doing comedy?

Special Sister:
THESE PEOPLE ARE MONSTERS!

[while Reggie still makes jokes]

Reggie:
You ever take a [bleep] so big, you take a photo of it?

Satan:
YES!

Reggie:
Um, you know what it's like -- "Wow, look at that thing. I got to get a picture of that".

Satan:
[laughs]

Reggie:
Um...

Satan:
[sees the audience not amused at all] Oh, boy.

Reggie:
Uh, well, uh, that's all my time, uh, uh, good night.

Satan:
Ha ha. Alright, that was, uh, Reggie Goldstein, everybody. Little too hip for the room. That's funny stuff. You'll talking about that tomorrow. Sense of humor, anybody?

[suddenly a lighting bolt strikes down a cult member to death]

Senator Whitehead:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No "Gloria".

DJ Jesus:
Hey, peace, brother.

Senator Whitehead:
No, no, no, no, no. Stop the record.

DJ Jesus:
No can do. Dancing to Gloria is a pure thing. You can't start it artificially or stop it prematurely. You just got to give in to...

DJ Jesus and Special Sister:
[singing] GLORIA!

[after another ritual human sacrifice was over]

Senator Whitehead:
I can't believe this.

Lucy:
So, you thought there was gonna be an orgy?

DJ Jesus:
He -- He said. [referring to The Senator]

Lucy:
[to Whitehead] And you put an escape artist in a cage.

Senator Whitehead:
I can't believe this.

Satan:
And your car wouldn't start.

Senator Whitehead:
[mumbling] I can't believe this.

Satan:
What a total bust.

Senator Whitehead:
This is a disaster.

DJ Jesus:
Hey, I had a good time.

Satan:
Hey, can we stop somewhere and get some food?

DJ Jesus:
One food stop coming up.

Satan:
I love it!

Senator Whitehead:
I need you to give my [bleep] up son a job.

Satan:
Hmm.

Senator Whitehead:
It can be anything. Uh, I just need him tucked away somewhere during the campaign. He's a registered sex offender. Did you know that?

Satan:
Uh, not surprised. I mean, look at him.

Satan:
Alright, I have some thoughts about your campaign. I got to tell you, I think you're playing it too safe.

Senator Whitehead:
Master, with all due respect, the presidential campaign is a delicate thing. I can't just -- Pbht! -- Spray it all out there.

Satan:
[laughs then gets pissed] WHAT?! PBHT! WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, HUH? SENATOR? PBHT! SPRAY IT ALL OUT THERE.

Satan:
ARE YOU TELLING ME!

Senator Whitehead:
[scared] I-I was making em, uh, --

Satan:
YOU'RE TELLING ME HOW TO RUN A PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN?

Senator Whitehead:
I-I was making a metaphor.

Satan:
AND YOU'RE GONNA PBHT! -- SPRAY IT ALL OUT THERE, HUH?

Senator Whitehead:
Well, I --

Satan:
IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO DO?

Senator Whitehead:
I've had people tell me that's not, uh --

Becky:
I think what The Senator is trying to say, Satan, is that he appreciates your input and your assistance.

Satan:
Well, here's what the --

Becky:
Let's remember that were all --

Satan:
Here's what The Senator said to ME!

Becky:
Uh-huh.

Satan:
PBHT! SPRAY IT ALL OUT THERE.

Becky:
I know how much you hate when people make that noise, but let's not lose focus. We're all working towards the same goal here.

Satan:
[sighs] [to Whitehead] I'm sorry. I'm on the south beach diet.

Satan:
And it makes me a little edgy.

Satan:
Not to mention I have hygiene issues. When someone goes, "Pbht"! and it's not me -- It's not hygienic.

Becky:
Hey, I'm sure we can find something for The Senator's Son. What about something at the restaurant?

Satan:
That's fine.

Tad:
[said it calmly] No, no, no. No.

Satan:
Y'know what?

Tad:
No.

Satan:
You can be a busboy.

Senator Whitehead:
Oh, great.

Tad:
Aw.

[The Senator's Son becomes a busboy for Satan's Restaurant]

Tad:
Take any glasses back, dirty plates?

Lucy:
Nope. I'm good.

Tad:
Okay.

Tad:
Hey, you see that lady over there? She got the chimichanga, but she only ate half.

Lucy:
Good to know.

Tad:
[laughs] She left over a lot of guacamole.

Lucy:
She sure did.

Tad:
Mmm. She left over a lot of food. It's still warm.

Lucy:
Okay.

Tad:
You're nice.

Lucy:
Uh, thanks?

Tad:
Well, better get this stuff into the kitchen.

Lucy:
Ok.

Tad:
'Cause I'm gonna [bleep] it.

Lucy:
What? What did you just say?

Tad:
Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

Lucy:
Okay.

Becky:
Alright, so, the first thing we got to do is go on the sex-offender registry and erase Tad's information before someone finds it and uses it against Senator Whitehead.

Satan:
Hmm.

Becky:
Are you with me?

Satan:
I got to say, I don't like the way he's running his campaign.

Becky:
Yeah, you mentioned that.

Satan:
I mean, he's gonna lose if he tries to go around kissing babies.

Becky:
I think you might be right.

Satan:
Y'know I thought he was gonna run as the first openly satanic candidate, you know?

Becky:
Yeah, well, I'm on the sex-offender site, so what do you want to do?

Satan:
Wow, look at that? You can see them on a map?

Becky:
Yeah, you haven't seen this? And look, you click on one of those dots, and it brings up his mug shot. It's like the worst online dating site in the world.

Satan:
Ooh, look at that guy.

Becky:
Yeah.

Satan:
Wait, wait. Go back to the map for a second.

Becky:
Uh-huh.

Satan:
What does that look like?

Becky:
What, the dots?

Satan:
Yeah. It looks like a smiley face.

Becky:
Oh, yeah. Except for this one guy. He's messing it up. Should we move him?

Satan:
Yeah. Let's move them all and spell something out -- Something fun, like "Gotcha" with an exclamation point.

Becky:
[wheezes]

Satan:
Or, uh, or spell, uh -- "Whitehead for President".

Becky:
That's funny. How about just a big "W"?

Satan:
That's funny, too, Becky. You're having fun at work.

Becky:
Fun?

Satan:
YES!

Becky:
Yeah, I guess.

Satan:
You WERE, Becky.

Becky:
I guess.

Satan:
Don't take it back.

Becky:
No, this is -- This is fun.

Satan:
Don't do that. Don't itch your neck.

DJ Jesus:
Hey, want to see some, uh, foodigami?

Lucy:
Foodigami?

DJ Jesus:
Yes.

[DJ Jesus uses meat to make it into a swan]

Lucy:
Nice!

Judas:
AWESOME!

DJ Jesus:
I decided to start working with food because food is elemental. It's personal, universal. I want to take food and turn it into food.

[DJ Jesus makes another food into a poodle]

DJ Jesus:
Here you are, kid.

Customer:
Thanks.

[acting ends]

Steve:
Great. We got it there.

DJ Jesus:
Nice job, Steve.

Steve:
No prob.

DJ Jesus:
Hey, uh, Luce.

Lucy:
Yeah.

DJ Jesus:
Did you see the chicken-poodle thing I just did?

Lucy:
Uh-huh.

DJ Jesus:
You have, like, 40 or 50 chicken breasts? 'Cause, uh, I want to make a whole flock of little chicken poodles.

[as Lucy checks the freeze barrier, she sees a version of Lucy made out of meat]

Lucy:
What the -- Ew! Oh, it's that creepy busboy.

Tad:
[holding a knife] No, I don't think so. You're not leaving.

Lucy:
Oh, hi, Tad.

Tad:
I cannot get fired.

Lucy:
No, no. Why would you get fired? Tad, I didn't mean creepy. I meant creative.

Tad:
Shut up. SHUT UP!

Lucy:
Okay.

Judas:
Lucy's taking a long time with that food, huh?

DJ Jesus:
Well, for Lucy, service is not about speed. It's about power.

Judas:
Wow, that's deep, man. You should write that down.

DJ Jesus:
Already did...in my brain diary.

[meanwhile Lucy gets tied up from The Senator's Son in the freeze barrier]

Lucy:
So, I guess you probably don't want me to [shouting] YELL AS LOUD AS I CAN!

Tad:
This thing is soundproof pretty much.

Lucy:
I DON'T THINK THAT'S TRUE! THE CRAZY BUSBOY'S GOT ME IN THE WALK-IN!

Lucy:
It doesn't matter anyway because my boyfriend about 12 other guys are waiting for me to come back to the bar. So I'm sure they're gonna come in here any minute.

[cuts to the next scene]

Judas:
Isn't there, like a Chevys down the street? They've got chicken breasts there.

DJ Jesus:
Oh, yeah!

Judas:
Let's shoot there, huh?

DJ Jesus:
Yeah, cool. Great idea.

Judas:
Let's bounce!

[Tad getting ready to point the knife at Lucy]

Lucy:
Oh, my god. Tad, what are you doing?

Tad:
I'm going to...work on my meat.

Lucy:
Um, what are you doing that for?

Tad:
You're a little heavier than I thought.

Lucy:
It's the way I'm sitting.

Tad:
I'll tell you, there's nothing like working from a live model.

Lucy:
You know, it's not easy to sit up straight.

Tad:
Yeah, but could ya?

Lucy:
You know who my Dad is, right?

Tad:
Yes.

Lucy:
Well, when he finds out what kind of a freak you are, he is gonna kill you.

[cuts to the next scene where Satan is at a dinner party]

Satan:
[to Whitehead] Your son is a total freak. I love him.

Senator Whitehead:
Hey, master, uh, what are you doing here? T-This is my new schools thing. It's not really a *you* thing, uh, and the press is here.

Satan:
You know, I saw your son's rap sheet online. So funny!

Senator Whitehead:
[chuckles] Please, can I call you on monday?

Satan:
Man, that thing he did in the grocery store? I mean, wow. [to a civilian] How you doing? Hi.

Senator Whitehead:
Hi.

Satan:
Tad's alright, though, you know? It's -- It's because of your son, Senator, that I started my sex-offender art project.

Senator Whitehead:
What?

Satan:
His son is a sex offender.

Senator Whitehead:
[fake laughing while every person is looking at him]

Satan:
Uh, we're moving sex-offenders around the city to make, uh, like, a fun design.

Senator Whitehead:
Oh, great!

Satan:
Why are you pulling at me?

Senator Whitehead:
Just -- Can we, uh -- Why don't we talk over here --

Satan:
No, no, no, no. Can't right now. The band's letting me sit in.

Senator Whitehead:
What?

Satan:
I'll play something for you.

Senator Whitehead:
What?

Satan:
Don't let them take my drink!

[the next day while Lucy is still tied up inside the freeze barrier]

Lucy:
Oh, my god. What time is it?

Tad:
It's 10:00. We just opened.

Lucy:
What are you doing?

Tad:
I'm working. I'm on the breakfast shift.

Lucy:
Yeah, me too.

Tad:
Yeah, you know, you must be a terrible bartender 'cause no one even knows that you're not there.

Lucy:
Tad, you can't keep in here.

Tad:
I need to THINK! I just... [addictively looks at the meat version of Lucy]

Lucy:
Oh, here we go.

Tad:
...need to think.

[while Tad keeps making sex of the Meat Lucy, he suddenly gets a phone call]

Tad:
[on phone] Hello?

Satan:
Hey, Tad. It's Satan.

Tad:
Hey. [to Lucy] It's your Dad.

Lucy:
DAD!

Satan:
What are you doing, man.

Lucy:
DAD!

Tad:
Nothing, just working.

Lucy:
IT'S LUCY!

Satan:
World's best busboy.

Lucy:
DAD!

Satan:
How's the -- How's biz?

Tad:
It's alright.

Satan:
Good, good.

Lucy:
DAD!

Satan:
You enjoying yourself over there?

Tad:
Yeah, yeah. It's fine.

Satan:
I told you it was gonna be --

Lucy:
I'M TIED UP WITH MEAT!

Tad:
Yeah, it's alright.

Satan:
It's a fun place to work. That's the point. You could be doing anything as long as it's a fun place to work.

Lucy:
[cries] DAD!

Tad:
Yeah, yeah.

Satan:
Anyway, got a little surprise for you.

Tad:
Oh, what's that?

Satan:
Why don't you go put on Channel 5 on the TV in the bar?

Lucy:
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Tad:
Okay.

Lucy:
DO YOU NOT HEAR ME?

Satan:
And enjoy.

Tad:
Thanks.

Satan:
Alright, I'll see you later.

Lucy:
DON'T HANG UP!

Tad:
[hangs up]

Lucy:
Where are you going?

Tad:
Your Dad wants me to watch something on TV.

Lucy:
Ugh. Typical.

[while The Senator gives out his speech for a school campaign]

Senator Whitehead:
Thank you for coming out today. I just wanted to call attention to this new school, this flower that bloomed here between the cracks of the pavement.

[suddenly a person arrives that came out of the bus]

Dom:
Senator, my name's Dom. I'm a registered sex offender, and I'm here to support you.

Senator Whitehead:
Oh. Okay. Thank you. Dom.

Dom:
We're all here to personally thank you for providing housing for us in the new condominiums.

[suddenly a cloth banner reveals the sign that said "Welcome Sex Offenders"]

Newsreporter:
Senator, do you think this is a good idea?

Senator Whitehead:
...

Sex Offender:
Three cheers for Senator Whitehead. Hip-hip hooray! Hip-hop hooray! Hip-hip hooray!

Senator Whitehead:
[to someone] Get that banner down and shut those [bleep] up.

[while the sex offenders keep cheering "Hip-Hip Hooray"]

Senator Whitehead:
STOP THAT! STOP IT!

Lucy:
[to the meat version of Lucy] What are you looking at, fatty? Fatty fat face.

Archbishop Gomez:
We've got a problem, a big problem, and we need your help.

Special Father #1:
What is it, Archbishop Gomez?

Archie:
That's alright, you can call me Archie. Everyone does.

Special Father #1:
Okay, Archie.

Archie:
Vampire Altar Boys are preying on priests throughout the city -- Vampire choirboys, too.

Special Father #1:
All due respect, uh, Archie, but we got out of the vampire game a long time ago. We are searching now for the --

Archie:
I-I'm aware of your mission, Father, but this problem is especially acute for us. We believe this is the first wave of an all-out vampire assault against the church.

Special Father #1:
Archie, uh, the Jesuits have a great training program. I know three or four good vampire guys have come out --

Archie:
Dead.

Special Father #1:
What?

Archie:
Dead. They're all dead. You're our last hope.

Special Sister:
Sorry to interrupt. I don't know if you know much about the antichrist, but her presence on earth means the END OF DAYS! Vampire Choirboys will be the least of your problems if we don't complete our mission.

Special Father #2:
Hey, I got a idea. Maybe we kill the antichrist, and then we check in with you about the vampires before we go back to Rome.

Archie:
YOU WILL HELP US WITH THIS PROBLEM RIGHT NOW! [clears throat] Or perhaps you'd like to face criminal charges in this country for some of your less orthodox antichrist hunting methods.

[Archie shows pictures of the Special Fathers and Sister killing the good citizens throughout every episode they have gone through]

Special Sister:
WHAT THE [bleep]! The Pope himself sent us.

Special Father #1:
Sister! Sister!

Special Sister:
Yeah? Yeah? Yeah?

Special Father #1:
Stop.

Special Sister:
No.

Special Father #1:
Yes.

Special Sister:
[growls]

Special Father #1:
Thank you. Watch TV.

[Special Sister watches TV]

Special Father #1:
We understand, Archie. Perhaps we can help. After all, the concerns of the church are our concerns as well.

Special Father #1:
Oh! Oh, my god! I totally forgot. Uh, we left our vampire stuff back at Rome.

[when the Special Fathers and Sister, plus Archie arrives at an arms-dealer store]

Special Sister:
Can I bring this cognac?

Archie:
This is Nightshade. He knows how to sharpen a stake, shall we say. Nightshade, I'm sure you know who these two men are.

Nightshade:
I'm familiar with your work. Welcome to San Francisco, or as I call it, "San Fran".

Archie:
And this is a Special Sister. A little less experienced with vampires than her colleagues, perhaps, but she --

Nightshade:
The most deadly assassin nun the catholic church has ever produced. You need no introduction.

Special Sister:
Thanks, kid. But why don't you take your lips off my ass and just tell me who to kill. [points the crossbow at Nightshade]

Nightshade:
First of all, as I'm sure the Special Fathers will tell you, hunting vampires, well, forget everything you've seen in the movies. It's all bunk.

Special Sister:
Sunlight?

Nightshade:
Oh, no. Actually, okay. Sunlight is real. Sunlight can kill a vampire. But --

Special Sister:
Stake in the heart?

Nightshade:
Ho-- Yeah, hold on. Let me give you my spiel, okay?

Special Sister:
Sorry.

Nightshade:
Forget what you've seen in the movies. It's all bunk.

Special Father #1:
You know, uh, Nightshade, I've heard that line in the movies.

Special Father #2:
Oh, I have a too.

Nightshade:
CAN I CONTINUE?

Special Father #1:
Sorry, go ahead.

Nightshade:
So, crosses -- They work, right? No, they don't. If crosses worked, would we have Vampire Altar Boys.

Special Sister:
Oh, right. The Altar Boy carries the cross.

Nightshade:
Garlic -- Just a mild food allergy. If you wanna give the vampire the runs, cook them ziti with some garlic sauce.

Special Sister:
Good to know. GET READY TO [bleep] VAMPIRES!

[Nightshade shows the Special Fathers and Sister that he caught a vampire altar boy himself inside a cage in his basement]

Special Father #1:
I see, a captive subject to study in detail and test new methods on.

Nightshade:
Uh...well, that's a good idea, too. Um, I was just thinking more of just like a pet. My friend has a python and he was like, "I have a python". And I was like "Oh yeah? You should come over to my place sometime". And then he came over, and I was like, um, "Vampire"! So...

Special Father #1:
Wow, you are a real nerd.

Nightshade:
I did discover something interesting by accident.

[Nightshade blows a balloon making the vampire altar boy scared]

Nightshade:
You see? Terrified. Absolutely pant [bleep]ingly terrified of balloons.

Special Father #2:
Whoa. That is so awful.

Special Father #1:
Yes, you're being cruel.

Nightshade:
Cruel? Louie killed 35 people at a midnight mass last Christmas.

Special Father #1:
Last Christmas? How long has this been going on?

Archie:
Well, we thought it was isolated -- One church, maybe two.

Special Father #1:
My god. You covered it up.

Archie:
We covered it up.

[after the Special Fathers and Sister destroyed all the vampires using balloons in a different church]

Special Father #1:
They sent you here after Father Murphy disappeared.

Priest:
Yes.

Special Father #1:
And Father Murphy, how long did he serve here?

Priest:
Just a week, I think.

Special Father #1:
Hmm. They just kept sending priests.

Special Sister:
Like staying in and ordering takeout.

Special Father #1:
[to the priest] Hey, turn your head. Have you been bitten?

[Special Sister kills the Priest]

Special Father #1:
Oh, whoops, got a little trigger-happy there, Sister. You don't turn if you've been bitten. That's in the movies.

Special Sister:
Ohh. I-I've [bleep] up.

Special Father #1:
Yes, you did [bleep] up.

Special Sister:
Whatever. Sorry!

Special Father #1:
To become a vampire, you have to drink *their* blood.

Special Sister:
I'M SORRY!

Special Father #1:
Alright, clean up this mess, please.

Special Sister:
Fine.

[after the Special Father and Sister hunt many vampires from many churches, they celebrated]

Special Sister:
My feet are killing me.

Special Father #1:
[exhales a balloon making his voice higher] Yeah, tough week. Satisfying, though.

Special Father #2:
[does the same that SF1 did] Like old times.

Special Sister:
Enough with the helium. [leaves]

Special Father #1:
Sister, where are you going?

Special Sister:
I'm going to pee.

Special Father #1:
Take some balloons.

Special Sister:
I don't want any balloons. I'm sick of balloons. Uh-oh.

[suddenly one of the vampire altar boys caught her]

Special Father #1:
Sister! They took her!

Special Father #2:
Oh, head rush.

[when Special Sister, got caught, she then gets tied up on a cross to drink her blood from the Vampire Altar/Choir Boys]

Vampire Choirboy:
Lady Priest, with hate in your love and mercy, I drink your blood. Let it bring health in mind and body.

Special Sister:
[bleep] YOU!

Vampire Choirboy:
May the blood of this fat lady bring me to everlasting life.

Special Sister:
SUCK IT, FREAK! I'LL NEVER BE ONE OF YOU!

Vampire Choirboy:
No, Sister, you will never be one of us. We're gonna bleed you out, and you will die.

Special Sister:
YOU CAN'T TURN ME. YOUR DARK,, EROTIC POWER HAD NO EFFECT ON ME.

Vampire Choirboy:
Okay, that's no problem.

Special Sister:
Why the church? Why priests? Why meeeee?

Vampire Choirboy:
Taste -- Priests taste good.

Special Sister:
AAAAAAH! I MAY TASTE GOOD TO YOU, BUT YOUR STRANGE IMMORTAL BLOOD DOESN'T TASTE GOOD TO ME. You can't make me drink your androgynous yet powerful juices.

Vampire Choirboy:
We're not trying to.

Special Sister:
Well, good, 'cause I don't want it.

Vampire Choirboy:
Then we agree.

Special Sister:
YES! Finally. We agree to agree.

Vampire Choirboy:
We'll just agree to agree, then.

Special Sister:
Yes.

Vampire Choirboy:
You bleed and die...

Special Sister:
No!

Vampire Choirboy:
...we drink your blood.

Special Sister:
No!

Vampire Choirboy:
Less talking, more dying.

Special Sister:
No, more talking, less dying.

Vampire Choirboy:
[tired] Just shut up and die.

Special Sister:
No! Let's keep talking.

Vampire Choirboy:
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS BLEED!

Special Sister:
Have you seen any movies lately?

Vampire Choirboy:
What?

Special Sister:
Have you gone to see any movies?

Vampire Choirboy:
NO!

Special Sister:
What's your favorite tv show?

[while the vampires are drinking Special Sister's blood, Archie crashed into the church with a big van, making the vampires retreat themselves, which then lead them to a trap, where Special Fathers and Nightshade use light panels to shock the vampire boys to death]

Nightshade:
High-output, full-spectrum, baby! Ha ha! 4,200 lumens!

[after the Special Father saved Special Sister]

Special Father #1:
You'll be alright now, Sister. You'll be alright.

Special Sister:
[woozy] Jesus was sticking into my kidneys.

Special Father #2:
You said it, Sister.

Archie:
I can't thank you all enough. The church owes you the greatest debt.

Special Father #1:
Archie, you've been bitten.

Archie:
What?

[Special Sister then kills Archie]

Special Father #1:
SISTER!

Special Sister:
Oops, I forgot.

[Sister pulls the stake out of Archie, making it worse]

Special Father #1:
No, don't pull it out.

Special Sister:
Uh, sorry. Guess I made a mistake.

Archie:
A "missed stake".

Special Father #1:
[laughs]

[everyone laughs]

Archie:
It's like the end of a Scooby-Doo episode.

Satan:
Sick of tossing and turning? Tired of being tired?

Satan (as Dr. Franz Weiner):
[german accent] Hello. I'm Dr. Franz Weiner. And I designed the Dreamster Sound Effects Machine to help you fall asleep naturally and deeply. Here's how it works.

Satan (as Dr. Franz Weiner):
Our patented sound effects have been scientifically enhanced to activate the sleep center deep inside your brain.

Sleepy Woman (as Becky):
I tried everything -- Pills, pillows, therapy -- And nothing worked. But the Dreamster Sound Machine put me to sleep the very first time I tried it.

Satan:
Call now to take advantage of this special offer. Side effects may include drowsiness, nightmares, and psychotic episodes. If you die in your dreams, you die in real life.

[after DJ Jesus and Judas watches the Dreamster commercial]

DJ Jesus:
Oh, man, it would be sweet to DJ with that thing. I could put mountain streams and raindrops into my slow-jam mixes. Hey, Judas, you want to order up one of those?

Judas:
Already on the phone, dude! Check it out, man -- Rain!

DJ Jesus:
Yeah, sweet rain. Makes me want to curl up in a little ball.

Judas:
Makes me want to open up my mouth and catch raindrops on my tongue, dude.

DJ Jesus:
That's beautiful, man.

Judas:
[bleep] YEAH, IT IS! WHOO!

DJ Jesus:
[laughing] Judas.

[Special Father #1 bought a Dreamster Machine for him to sleep tonight]

Special Father #1:
It's a white-noise machine. It makes noise to help you sleep.

Special Sister:
That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard of.

Special Father #1:
Sister, listen to this.

[SF1 plays the Dreamster]

Special Father #1:
That is, um, "Summer Night". Huh?

Special Sister:
Sounds evil.

Special Father #1:
It's not evil. It's "Summer Night".

Special Sister:
I am really scared. This is not relaxing.

Special Father #1:
It's not -- Sister, it's not scary.

Special Sister:
It's terrifying! Listen to what it's saying!

Special Father #1:
It's not saying anything.

Special Sister:
YES, IT IS!

Special Father #1:
Shh! Shh! Listen.

Special Father #1:
Okay, so it sounds like it is saying something.

Special Sister:
SEE?

Special Father #1:
It's saying, "You..." It's saying, "Hi".

Special Sister:
No, it's saying "You'll die".

Special Father #1:
Okay, you know what? Go away. I'm going to bed -- With my machine.

Special Sister:
YOU'RE GONNA REGRET IT!

Special Father #1:
THAT WILL HELP ME SLEEP!

Special Sister:
IT WON'T!

Special Father #1:
YES, IT WILL! IT'S ALSO NOT HELPING THAT YOU GOT ME KEYED UP!

Special Sister:
I'M SORRY!

Special Father #1:
GOOD NIGHT!

[DJ Jesus gets a word with Lucy when DJ Jesus bought the Dreamster Machine for his fans to listen with]

Lucy:
You encourage them.

DJ Jesus:
Lucy, I'm a DJ, and having a girl sexy-dance right next to me is part of the job. It's like if I was a construction worker and you said to me, "I don't like how there's always cement hanging around you". Or if I was a baker, and you'd be like, "What's with all the yeast"?

Lucy:
I get it. I get it.

DJ Jesus:
Okay.

Lucy:
How about this? If you want to be with me, you can't be a ridiculous man-slut. How about that?

DJ Jesus:
Yeah, that's fine. I'm starting to get a little claustrophobic. So...

Lucy:
What?! Claustrophobic? I give you your space. All I ask is this one thing.

DJ Jesus:
No, no, no. Not in the relationship. I mean literally in this closet. It's tiny space for two people. So can we, uh...

Lucy:
How can you be claustrophobic? You're an escape artist.

DJ Jesus:
All escape artists are claustrophobic. That's why we want to escape.

[Special Father #1 still can't sleep]

Special Father #1:
Damn it. Alright. I'll go pee, and then I'll be able to sleep.

Special Sister:
Hey, quiet down in there!

Special Father #1:
OH, SHUSH!

[as SF1 opens up the bathroom door, he then sees a strange white void room with Dr. Franz Weiner]

Satan (as Dr. Franz Weiner):
Hello. Come on in.

Special Father #1:
Oh, sorry. I was looking for the bathroom.

Satan (as Dr. Franz Weiner):
That's alright. Come in and have a seat, please. I am Dr. Franz Weiner. I want you to tell me about your fears.

Special Father #1:
My fears?

Satan (as Dr. Franz Weiner):
Yes, please. I am interested in your worst fears, your ultimate nightmare.

[suddenly the chair that SF1 is sitting in turns into a toilet]

Special Father #1:
Uh-oh. Doctor, is it weird if I'm going to the bathroom right now?

Satan (as Dr. Franz Weiner):
Number one or number two?

Special Father #1:
Uh...both.

Satan (as Dr. Franz Weiner):
Yes. It, uh, ooh, represents creativity.

Special Father #1:
Oh. Oh, that's good, then.

Satan (as Dr. Franz Weiner):
Yea-- Yeah, it's good.

[as DJ Jesus sleeps with the Dreamster on, he then meets the same demon therapist that SF1 got into]

Satan (as Dr. Franz Weiner):
Hello there, Jesus.

DJ Jesus:
Uh, do I know you?

Satan (as Dr. Franz Weiner):
I'm Dr. Franz Weiner. I want you to tell me about your fears.

DJ Jesus:
Are you a therapist?

Satan (as Dr. Franz Weiner):
Sort of.

DJ Jesus:
You know who you remind me of?

Satan (as Dr. Franz Weiner):
Who?

DJ Jesus:
Freddy Krueger.

[Dr. Franz Weiner (as Satan) turns into Freddy Krueger]

Satan (as Dr. Franz Weiner):
Why?

DJ Jesus:
Because of your sweater and your lumpy skin.

Satan (as Dr. Franz Weiner):
[bit offended] I don't have lumpy skin. Alright. Fine.

Satan (as Dr. Franz Weiner):
Let's just focus on you, Jesus, and your fears.

DJ Jesus:
No, no, no. Hey, you're like Freudy Krueger.

Satan (as Dr. Franz Weiner):
Okay. That's -- That's enough.

DJ Jesus:
Oh, man! I wish Judas was in this dream. He'd love that joke.

[Judas arrives as a goat with wings]

Judas:
I AM IN THIS DREAM, DUDE!

DJ Jesus:
There he is!

Judas:
That was hilarious -- Freudy Krueger. Hilarious!

DJ Jesus:
You're a goat, man. What's going on? [laughing]

Judas:
I don't know, man!

[Dr. Franz Weiner gets a phone call]

Special Father #1:
Dr...Dr. Weiner, do you want to get that?

Satan (as Dr. Franz Weiner):
Um, yes I will. Uh, hold one second.

Satan:
[normal voice] [on phone] Hello?

Lucy:
Hey, it's me.

Satan:
Uh, it's not a good time. Can I call you back?

Lucy:
Oh, okay. I didn't really have anything to say. I'm just -- Pissed. I got in a fight with Jesus. But, you know, I don't want to talk about it.

Satan:
Right, right. So 'cause I got to do, um --

Lucy:
He is such a flirt! It drives me nuts. I was like, "Just don't be a slut". And he was like, "It's part of my job".

Satan:
Luce, can I call you back?

Lucy:
I was like, "What"?! And he was like --

Satan (as Dr. Franz Weiner):
[to DJ Jesus] Just one second!

DJ Jesus:
No problem. [while petting Judas as a goat]

Satan:
[normal voice] Luce, really, really busy night for me, so...

Satan (as Dr. Franz Weiner):
[to SF1] One second!

Special Father #1:
Uh, take your time.

Lucy:
Oh, then he said he was claustrophobic, and I was like, "What"? I was gonna kill him. But then he was like, "No, I'm actually claustrophobic". And I was like, "Oh". And then he went out, and he did body shots on the two skankiest girls I have ever seen.

Satan:
He's claustrophobic? [referring to DJ Jesus]

Lucy:
Yeah.

Satan (as Dr. Franz Weiner):
[to DJ Jesus] You are claustrophobic?

DJ Jesus:
Yes. How did you know that?

Satan:
Thank you, Luce. [hangs up]

[Special Father #1 talks about his fears]

Special Father #1:
It's something the Pope e-mailed me last week. He called it "cute puppy" in the subject. So it threw me off. I figured it was going to be a pictures of a cute puppy. And it was a link to a video of this guy with a hug larva growing under his skin, and he pushed it out through his -- [disgust] Oh, oh.

Satan (as Dr. Franz Weiner):
Oh, dear. That's horrible.

Special Father #1:
I know. It made me sick. I sent it to everyone I know.

[DJ Jesus randomly appears to be on stage with no thought of what just happened after getting interviewed with the therapist]

DJ Jesus:
Oh, uh, hello. Uhm, uh. How you folks doing? [to Judas] I can't remember what we're doing.

Judas:
We're doing the "Resur-Rocktion".

DJ Jesus:
We are? I don't do that trick.

Judas:
But that's what they came to see, man.

DJ Jesus:
But we haven't practiced it!

Satan (as Assistant Lady):
It will be fine. You were born to do this trick.

DJ Jesus:
Uh, who are you?

Satan (as Assistant Lady):
I'm your lovely assistant.

Judas:
Ladies and gentlemen, we've come to witness DJ Jesus attempt the most dangerous escape of them all -- The Resur-Rocktion!

Judas:
DJ Jesus will be placed into this sarcophagus, which will be lowered into this freshly dug grave. And this backhole will bury him under 10,00 cubic feet of dirt. And a big ROOOCK!

Satan (as Dr. Franz Weiner):
How are you feeling?

DJ Jesus:
I'm totally unprepared. Oh, my god, it's a tight fit in here.

Satan (as Dr. Franz Weiner):
Great, great. Sealing you up.

Satan (as Assistant Lady):
Sealing you up now.

DJ Jesus:
Uh, what's the trick? Uh, don't I have some trick to get out of here?

Satan:
I sure hope so. [laughs evilly]

DJ Jesus:
Lucy's Dad?

Satan:
Bye-bye, Jesus.

[as Lucy came back, she sees DJ Jesus sleeping with the Dreamster]

Lucy:
Hey, wake up.

DJ Jesus:
[still dreaming] Lu-- Lucy?

Lucy:
Wake up.

DJ Jesus:
[sees Lucy inside the coffin] Lucy, how -- How did you get here?

[however, DJ Jesus can only see and hear Lucy in his dream while she's trying to wake him up]

Lucy:
What's wrong with you? Wake up!

DJ Jesus:
Okay. Stop saying that and get us out of here.

Lucy:
Wake up. [slaps DJ Jesus]

DJ Jesus:
Ow. Okay. Not necessary to slap me and say "wake up" when I'm obviously next to you and up, okay?

Lucy:
[slaps hardly] Wake up! What's wrong with you!

DJ Jesus:
Alright. Do not --

Lucy:
Wake up! Wake up!

DJ Jesus:
Don't slap my face. Stop it! PLEASE! HEY, I'M HERE! DO NOT SLAP MY FACE AGAIN.

[while SF1 is still dying from his nightmare, Special Sister gets tired of his nonsense, and saves him by pulling out SF1's cross necklace that's been choking him while dreaming]

Special Father #1:
Oh, thank you. You saved my life. Sister...thank you.

Special Sister:
Okay, wrap it up, drama queen. We all need some rest now! Go to sleep.

Special Father #1:
What can I do to...repay you?

Special Sister:
YOU CAN GO TO [bleep] TO SLEEP! I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO GET ANY SLEEP 'CAUSE YOU'VE BEEN SUCKING ON BEADS, TRYING TO KILL YOURSELF. JUST SLEEP, JERKOFF!

Special Father #1:
Sometimes death leaves a stain on a place, like a stain left behind by...something that stains.

[Lucy and her friends head to an old Catholic Girls' Boarding School]

DJ Jesus:
Isn't this place amazing? It was a Catholic Girls' Boarding School or something.

Lucy:
I think it's kind of creepy.

Judas:
Yeah, man, it's, uh, it is a little creepy.

DJ Jesus:
Come on, guys. I got to get this re-remix done, and this just the place to do it -- No one else around for miles; No e-mail; No phones; Big, empty pool with weird tiles. It's great. Come on. [farts] Oh, hey, excuse me, guys.

Judas:
[laughs] You fart-echoed.

DJ Jesus:
HO!

[as Lucy tries to find outlets in old school for DJ Jesus' recording materials, she heard an ominous voice]

Creepy Girl Voice:
Fatass...

Lucy:
Hello?

Creepy Girl Voice:
Fatass...

Lucy:
Hello? Who said that?

Creepy Girl Voice:
You have a fatass.

Lucy:
I do not!

[Lucy then sees a mirror of her butt that she do have a fatass and runs for her life]

Young Special Sister:
It's called "Pound My Tom-Tom". It's about vaginas.

School Girl:
[chuckling] Oh, Mary.

Young Special Sister:
Tony said. He loaned it to me.

School Girl:
Tony the lifeguard?

Young Special Sister:
Yeah! He's gonna show me the dance that goes to it. He's gonna show me the dance that goes to it.

[suddenly two bratty girls arrived]

Bratty Girl #1:
Ha. Tony's gonna do the Tom-Tom with Hairy Mary. That'll be funny.

School Girl:
Bye, Mary.

Young Special Sister:
Stop calling me Hairy Mary!

Bratty Girl #1:
Oh, I'll stop calling you Hairy Mary when you shave your arms and wax your back and pluck your face.

Young Special Sister:
Leave me alone!

Bratty Girl #2:
Um, not supposed to have disco records. It's a sin. [takes away the disc]

Young Special Sister:
Give it back!

Bratty Girl #1:
Honestly, Mary, do you think Tony would ever like a girl who has a bigger mustache than he does?

Young Special Sister:
YES, I DO!

[as DJ Jesus tries to make a perfect remix for his music, he then starts to hear "Pound My Tom-Tom" on his record player that randomly changes out of nowhere]

DJ Jesus:
Judas, Lucy, come check this out!

Judas:
Wow. What's happening?

DJ Jesus:
All my records turned into this record, and it's perfect. The perfect beat to go with my re-remix. Then the tiles started moving.

Lucy:
I think it's spooky.

DJ Jesus:
Um, it's awesome.

Lucy:
There's something weird going on in this place.

Judas:
Yeah, man, she's right.

DJ Jesus:
Look, will you two relax? I'm really excited about this song. Okay, maybe you guys could stop being so negative and start being a little supportive of me. How does that sound?

Lucy:
Okay.

Lucy:
Are they saying "Pound my tom-tom"?

DJ Jesus:
[sighs]

Lucy:
I'm sorry. "Supportive". I'm being supportive.

Special Father #1:
As a young girl, Sister Mary found herself face-to-face with the devil. He came not as a serpent in the grass, but as a lifeguard in a banana hammock.

Creepy Girl Voice:
You're cute.

DJ Jesus:
Who's there?

Creepy Girl Voice:
You've got skills. I like your beard.

DJ Jesus:
Uh, thank you.

Creepy Girl Voice:
Your girlfriend doesn't like your beard.

DJ Jesus:
Yes, she does. I think she does.

Creepy Girl Voice:
She doesn't want you to be happy.

DJ Jesus:
Of course she does.

Creepy Girl Voice:
She wants to interfere.

DJ Jesus:
She does.

Creepy Girl Voice:
Yeah. She does.

DJ Jesus:
What?

Creepy Girl Voice:
She's an interferer.

DJ Jesus:
Wait a minute...

Creepy Girl Voice:
But I still like your beard.

DJ Jesus:
[chuckles] You...

Creepy Girl Voice:
What?

DJ Jesus:
You're funny whispering voice.

Creepy Girl Voice:
You're funny.

DJ Jesus:
You're funny.

Creepy Girl Voice:
I like your eyes, too.

DJ Jesus:
[sexually] Alright.

Creepy Girl Voice:
So deep.

DJ Jesus:
Mm-hmm. Keep talking.

Creepy Girl Voice:
Yeah.

[meanwhile with Judas]

Judas:
Oh, man. Luce, your dog pooped on the rug! I'm not cleaning it up!

Lucy:
I think we should leave.

Judas:
[after seeing a dead ghostly girl] [bleep] "A" MAN.

Lucy:
Good. It's settled. I'll go pack my bag.

DJ Jesus:
[possessed] We can't leave. This re-remix is being paid for by my label. I signed a contract -- A legal document. Do you have any idea what that means?

Lucy:
I do. It's just --

DJ Jesus:
It's ju-- What, Lucy? What? You just want to INTERFERE with my career?

Lucy:
No. I think all of us feel that--

DJ Jesus:
No. I think all of us don't understand that I was totally blocked and this place unblocked me until YOU came in here and interrupted me. So BACK OFF and let me work so I can make music that will PAY for more trips like this.

Lucy:
Well, I don't think anyone wants more trips like this.

DJ Jesus:
WELL, I DO! I WANT THEM. Now get out. [goes back to his et]

Judas:
[to Lucy] We could leave him here.

Lucy:
We can't leave him here.

Judas:
Well, then, I'm gonna call an exorcist or something.

Lucy:
A what?

Judas:
An exorcist.

Lucy:
What is that gonna do?

Judas:
Like the Ghostbusters, you know? It's someone who can, like, fix everything here.

Lucy:
I don't even think those exist. And even if they did, how would you find one?

Judas:
I got the internet on my phone. Boom. I already got one.

Lucy:
That was quick.

Judas:
Yeah. Sidney's Exorcism. Armonk, New York. That's a long way away, right?

Lucy:
Yeah.

Judas:
Let me try another one.

Lucy:
How many choices do you have for an exorcist?

Judas:
3.

Lucy:
I guess try the next one.

Young Satan:
Hey, what are you doing way over here?

Young Special Sister:
Nothing.

[Young Satan look at the two bratty girls who bullied her]

Young Satan:
[scoffs] Oh, them? Hey, you can't let anyone get one over on you. You got to get 'em back.

Young Special Sister:
Pour shampoo on them?

Young Satan:
No, no, no. Worse.

Young Special Sister:
In their eyes?

Young Satan:
Worse than shampoo in their eyes.

Young Special Sister:
You mean conditioner?

Young Satan:
No, not conditioner. Worse.

Young Special Sister:
Worse than conditioner?

Young Satan:
Hey. Hey, hey, hey.

Young Special Sister:
Yeah? [looks at him while being cross-eyed]

Young Satan:
Look at me.

Young Special Sister:
I am.

Young Satan:
Really?

Young Special Sister:
Y-Yeah.

Young Satan:
Oh.

Young Special Sister:
Sorry.

Young Satan:
What's wrong with your eye?

Young Special Sister:
Nothing. Let me tilt my head. I can create the illusion that I'm look right at you.

Young Satan:
That's weird.

Young Special Sister:
I guess.

Young Satan:
Your eyes is weird.

Young Special Sister:
Okay. I know. I'm hairy, my eye is weird, my mustache -- But you know what? LOOK INSIDE!

[Special Fathers and Sister head to Catholic Girls' Boarding School who called for help]

Special Sister:
What are we doing here?! Holy crap, no! No, no! This is all wrong!

Special Father #2:
No, uh, t-this is the right place.

Special Sister:
Ok, leaving now. [starts to get cross-eyed again]

Special Father #1:
What? No. No, no, no. We drove for three hours to get here. We're not leaving.

Special Father #2:
I have to do a number due.

Special Father #1:
See, Father Benetti has to poo. Plus, this was your idea, Sister. "Let's make a little extra money", you said. "Put an ad on the internet", you said.

Special Father #1:
As trained and certified exorcists, we are able to cast out demons if demons are present.

Judas:
Oh, man, they're here. They're totally here.

Special Sister:
This place is evil! [to Lucy] That girl's the ANTICHRIST!

Special Father #1:
Sister! Enough.

Special Sister:
[growls] Evil.

Special Father #1:
She [chuckles nervously] she has some problems today.

Special Sister:
[to SF1] This place is evil.

Special Father #1:
Sister, please.

Special Sister:
No!

Special Father #2:
Perdoni Mi. I really got to go.

Special Father #1:
Oh, yes. Father, uh, Benetti would like to use your restroom, if possible.

Special Sister:
[to SF2] No, don't do it.

Judas:
Yeah, yeah, sure. It's down the hall to the left.

Special Sister:
[to SF2] DON'T DO IT!

Special Father #1:
Sister!

Special Father #2:
[to Judas] Thank you very much.

Judas:
Yeah, but be careful, man. You might see this rotting girl in a bathing suit spurting blood out her eyes. Not cool.

[as Special Sister heard the song from the pool room, she finally sees DJ Jesus being possessed by two pool girls]

Special Sister:
[to DJ Jesus] You! DJ!

Creepy Pool Girls:
Kill her. Kill her.

Special Sister:
Get out of the pool, buddy!

Creepy Pool Girls:
Kill Hairy Mary. Kill them all.

Special Sister:
[to the creepy pool girls] SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

DJ Jesus:
[possessed] Hi, Hairy...Mary.

Special Sister:
Hi.

[then Special Sister punches DJ Jesus' right in the gut to save him, while she put dynamite to blow the whole school up to smithereens]

Special Sister:
[to Special Fathers and Lucy's friends] Bomb.

[after DJ Jesus got saved when the Catholic Girls' Boarding School got blown up]

DJ Jesus:
Oh, my god. There was $90,000 worth of equipment in there!

Special Sister:
It was haunted.

Special Father #1:
That will be $500, please.

[Satan watches the news and sees a big monster wrecking havoc on the Golden Gate Bridge on TV]

Satan:
What the hell is that?

Becky:
I was gonna ask you.

Satan:
I want one.

Becky:
What do you mean, you want one?

Satan:
I really want one.

Becky:
What would you do with it?

Satan:
I'd put it in, like, a huge cage or, like, a diorama.

Becky:
No, no, you --

Satan:
And we'd give it its own habitat and then we'd throw people in it. It would eat them, and we'd laugh. I'm getting it.

Becky:
You're not getting it.

Satan:
I'm getting it.

Becky:
You're not.

Satan:
Please?

Becky:
No.

Satan:
Come on.

Senator Whitehead:
We're going straight to the White House, my man. You kill a big monster, I don't think you have to worry too much about the nomination. Primaries? Heh, forget about it.

Satan:
[on phone] Bob. Satan. Listen, do not kill the monster. I want it.

Senator Whitehead:
You want it?

Satan:
Yeah.

Senator Whitehead:
Huh. I'm gonna kill it with a huge gun on national television.

Satan:
I command you not to kill the mons--

Senator Whitehead:
Listen, I have to go. I'm doing interviews all day. [hangs up]

Satan:
Ugh, what a prick.

[Special Father and Sister sees the exact same news that's happening about a big monster terrorizing the Golden Gate Bridge]

Special Father #1:
Oh, great. The Pope is coming tomorrow, and a monster is attacking San Francisco. That's just perfect.

Special Sister:
That's fine. He loves that kind of stuff. Remember when he made us go see the beached whale?

Special Father #1:
But we're responsible for his safety while he's here.

Special Sister:
We'll take him to go see some cable cars. He'll be fine. We'll get him some Dim Sum and some wine.

Special Father #1:
I don't think the Pope is going to want Dim Sum.

Special Sister:
I think the Pope IS gonna want Dim Sum.

Special Father #1:
Alright, we'll agree to disagree.

Special Sister:
NO, we're gonna place a $10 bet.

Special Father #1:
Fine.

Senator Whitehead:
[on phone] Hello, Lucy! It's Bob Whitehead. I'm gonna be on CNN in two minutes. Put it on. I'll wink at you.

Lucy:
Stop calling. Stop calling me. If I see you anywhere near me, I'm gonna mace you.

Senator Whitehead:
Wait, wait, wait --

Lucy:
If I could mace you over the phone, I would.

[Lucy bottle sprayed her phone making a static sound to annoy The Senator]

Lucy:
Can you feel this? Can you feel it?

DJ Jesus:
Senator, we need a giant sound system and a giant microphone. I know how to stop the monster. It's human beatboxing.

Judas:
[to Whitehead] Dude! You're naked!

Senator Whitehead:
Yes, I woke up naked on the docks, and I decided to come straight to work.

Judas:
Nice dick!

Senator Whitehead:
Thank you.

Judas:
What I'd give for half of that! DJ J, spit some beats for that politicans' dick.

DJ Jesus:
[beatboxes] Sweet dick. [beatboxes] Sweet dick.

Senator Whitehead:
AAAAOOOOOW AAAH! [bleep] I hate that human beatboxing.

DJ Jesus:
We're gonna make a DVD of me using music to stop the monster. Maybe because it's *human* beatboxing --

Senator Whitehead:
Ok.

DJ Jesus:
Maybe that's what the monster hates so much.

Senator Whitehead:
Oh, no Mr. DJ. You no-a save-a the city.

[the Special Fathers and Sister joins Pope's visit to experience fun events while being protected in a bulletproof glass cube car whenever the big monster arrives]

Special Father #1:
Did you, uh, get a good picture of that with you, Eminence?

Eminence:
Yeah, I'm not into this.

Special Sister:
Hey, I have an idea. Let's go get some dim sum.

Eminence:
Ehm, no, I-I had chinese two days ago.

Special Sister:
It's delicious here. You've never had it like here.

Eminence:
No, I'll pass.

Special Sister:
IT'S REALLY GOOD!

Eminence:
I pass! I don't want it!

Special Father #1:
I win.

Special Sister:
[growls]

Special Father #1:
Give me your money.

Special Sister:
Fine.

Special Father #2:
Hey, Eminence, do you want to bless some people?

Eminence:
Yeah, okay, I'll bless some peoples. [to the citizens] Bless you my children.

[none of the citizens responded]

Eminence:
[bleep] heathens.

Eminence:
Where's everyone going?

Special Father #1:
I don't know. I--

Special Sister:
There's a monster that's been attacking the city.

Eminence:
[surprised] A MONSTER WHERE?

Special Father #1:
You don't --

Special Sister:
THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE!

Eminence:
The Golden Gate Bridge? LET'S GO! Richie!

Richie:
[driving the car] Yes?

Eminence:
Let's go!

Judas:
Hey, man, you better start your warm-ups.

DJ Jesus:
Oh, right, yeah, warm-- Warm-up.

DJ Jesus:
War pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa. Pee pa pa pee poo pa poo pee.

Judas:
Hey, man, you sound tight. Let me give you a rubdown.

DJ Jesus:
Moogla mopa.

Judas:
Yeah.

DJ Jesus:
Ha ba ba.

Judas:
Open up.

DJ Jesus:
Oma ah ah ah ah.

Judas:
I'm gonna go in.

DJ Jesus:
Oh, yeah. Ah ah a-- [choking]

Judas:
Sorry.

DJ Jesus:
You put your finger down my throat.

Judas:
Man, I should have washed my hands, huh?

DJ Jesus:
Yes.

[Satan and Becky prepare missiles for the monster to come back]

Satan:
Alright, I had to call in a lot of favors to set this up, but, when the monster gets to the middle of the bridge, right...

Becky:
Uh-huh.

Stan:
...I hit this button...

Becky:
Uh-huh.

Satan:
...then I blow up the bridge...

Becky:
Nice.

Satan:
Becky.

Becky:
Keep going.

Satan:
What was that?

Becky:
Keep going.

Satan:
No, you got excited when I said "blow up the bridge".

Becky:
And then what?

Satan:
Well, then the monster falls in the water, and then the fishing boats pull him in with the net, and then I got him.

Becky:
Wow.

Satan:
And then I'm gonna blow up the bridge again. Huh?

Becky:
I like it.

Satan:
Yeah.

Becky:
It's a plan.

[The Senator shows the citizens his new tank]

Senator Whitehead:
It fires 25-millimeter depleted-uranium shells accurate up to 2,500 meters, which is more than I'm gonna need, 'cause I'm gonna ram this thing down that monster's ugly throat.

Kevzo:
Senator, why are you operating this weapon?

Senator Whitehead:
Well, Kevzo, call me old-fashioned, but when my city is at risk, I guess I just want to have my finger on the trigger.

Kevzo:
Senator, Kevzo again. Do you know which is the trigger?

Senator Whitehead:
It's one of these.

[Satan calls The Senator while he's still on his tank waiting for the monster to come]

Senator Whitehead:
[on phone] This is Bob.

Satan:
You look ridiculous on that thing.

Senator Whitehead:
Where are you? Stay away from here.

Satan:
Listen, I'm calling to tell you again -- Don't shoot the monster.

Senator Whitehead:
Well, I'm gonna shoot the monster, and you know what? I don't need you anymore. You're fired.

Satan:
Bob, just don't shoot the monster, and I'll make everything right.

Senator Whitehead:
Oh, really?

Satan:
Yes. Do I always take care of you, huh? Who's my whitey whitehead?

Senator Whitehead:
Ah, don't.

Satan:
Who is he?

Senator Whitehead:
I d-d-d...

Satan:
You're my little baby.

Senator Whitehead:
Don't do that. No, please.

Satan:
Am I cradling you in my arms? Am I?

Senator Whitehead:
No, d-d--

Satan:
You do love me. As I love you.

Senator Whitehead:
No, no.

Satan:
Yes, I do.

Satan:
Bob?

Senator Whitehead:
Hmm?

Satan:
You want to go out with Lucy, right? You do this for me...

Senator Whitehead:
[goes mad] OH, DON'T GET ME STARTED ABOUT LUCY! MY GOD! SHE'S THE MOST FRUSTRATING -- [growls] I CAN'T -- SHE WON'T RETURN MY CALLS!

Satan:
She won't return your calls.

Senator Whitehead:
I CAN'T EVEN GET TO SECOND BASE!

Satan:
Can't do what? What are you trying to say?

[then The Senator turns into a flesh-eating monster which turns out to be the same monster that's wrecking the Golden Gate Bridge earlier ago on the news]

Senator Whitehead:
DON'T FORGET TO VOTE!

Satan:
Don't forget to vote?

Citizen #1:
Run! The Senator's the monster!

Citizen #2:
The gun is stuck on his crotch!

Satan:
Holy crap, it's him. The Senator is the monster. That is hilarious.

Becky:
Do you still want it?

Satan:
What?

Becky:
The monster...

Satan:
Oh.

Becky:
...now that you know that you it's The Senator.

Satan:
I-I guess.

Becky:
Well, you know what you have to do to get it.

Satan:
What?

Becky:
Blow the bridge! [laughs]

Satan:
Becky, I get it.

Becky:
Blow the bridge.

Satan:
I will. Hold on. He's got to get to the middle before I blow it.

[Special Father and Sister, plus Eminence have arrived for the monster]

Eminence:
Coming through. Pope coming. Heads up. Out of ze way.

Special Sister:
Move aside!

Eminence:
Holy crap! Look at that thing! Get me closer, Richie!

Richie:
You got it, boss.

Eminence:
My god.

Special Father #1:
We really should move back. It's not safe here.

Eminence:
Listen!

[suddenly DJ Jesus arrives on a helicopter while human-beatboxing the monster to weaken him out]

Eminence:
The monster! He hates it! [tries to human beatbox himself]

Special Father #1:
You're right. It's working!

Special Sister:
GO! GO! GO!

Special Father #1:
Go, your Eminence, go!

[while Eminence is still human beatboxing the monster to death, he then starts to cough]

Eminence:
[coughs]

Special Father #1:
Pass the mike. Pass the mike.

Eminence:
Ba-beat ba-dop, bop, [coughs]

Special Father #1:
Your holiness, pass the mike. You must pass the mike. It's basic etiquette. Pass the mike!

Eminence:
I got it! I got it!

Special Father #1:
No! Please!

Eminence:
BEAT! BOX! BEATBOX!

Special Sister:
You can't just keep saying "Beatbox".

Eminence:
Why not?

Special Sister:
PASS THE MIKE!

Eminence:
NEIN!

Special Father #1:
Please. I implore you, your Eminence.

[when the monster comes close up to the Special Father and Sister, plus the Pope]

Special Sister:
SHOOT IT!

[SF2 and Special Sister shoot the monster, but didn't realize that they're sealed inside a bulletproof glass cube]

Special Father #1:
Stop! Stop firing! It's bulletproof glass!

Special Sister:
Oh, yeah.

Special Father #1:
[tired] Oh, god.

[after the monster (as The Senator) grabs Lucy off the helicopter, Satan is still waiting for the monster]

Satan:
Come on, go to the middle.

Becky:
What's going on?

Satan:
He's got some girl.

[when the monster gets to the middle of the bridge, Satan finally shoots the missiles at the monster]

Becky:
Mmm. Do it again.

Satan:
I...can't. Not quite yet. I have to reset it.

Becky:
Can we wait 10 minutes and you can do it again?

Satan:
Uh, give me 20.

Satan:
Is that the pope?

[Special Sister gives Eminence a tour, after the whole monster wreckoning was over]

Special Sister:
That's the Marin Headlands.

Eminence:
Oh, yeah.

Special Sister:
That's -- That's Alcatraz. The movie "The Rock" was taped there.

Eminence:
Oh, ja, ja!

Special Father #1:
Sister, we don't need a tour.

Special Sister:
There -- There's Robin Williams' house...

Eminence:
Oh, yes!

Special Sister:
Where he keeps all his crazy characters.

[one week later]

Satan:
[on phone] Listen, I'm gonna come by, and, uh, I'm gonna bring someone.

Lucy:
No.

Satan:
He's handsome.

Lucy:
Ugh.

Satan:
He is a general. How many stars? 4-star general, Lucy. Huh?

Lucy:
No.

Satan:
Four.

Lucy:
No!

Satan:
That's the highest they go.

Lucy:
I don't care.

Satan:
Or is it 5? There is a five.

Lucy:
Dad, the answer is no.

Satan:
Look, he's not gonna turn into a monster, I promi-- AAH! AAH! MY LEG!

Lucy:
DAD?

Satan:
MY LEG!

Lucy:
DAD?

Satan:
OH, MY GOD!

Lucy:
Oh, my god, Dad?

Satan:
[screams then laughs] I'm kidding. You believe that!

Lucy:
[tired] I did.

Satan:
You did.

Lucy:
Well, I've kind of --

Satan:
[starts to scream again]

Lucy:
[on phone] I'm pregnant.

Satan:
[pauses] ...What? W-- Who's the father?

Lucy:
The Senator.

Satan:
...The Senator?

Lucy:
Mm-hmm.

Satan:
He's dead.

Lucy:
Well, it was before he died.

Satan:
Oh, right. Right, right, right. Of course. It takes time.

Lucy:
I did have sex with a dead senator monster if that's what you're implying.

Satan:
Well, I don't know what you're doing half the time. But that's good, though, right?

Lucy:
I have a monster baby growing inside me. You think that's good news?

Satan:
That's right. That's great! I'll keep the -- I can -- I'll take it.

Lucy:
What?

Satan:
I have the cage already.

Lucy:
WHAT?!

Satan:
I was mad that I lost the first monster.

Lucy:
Dad, I was kidding.

Satan:
Kidding about what?

Lucy:
I'm not pregnant with a monster baby. I never had sex with The Senator. I can't believe you were excited about this. I was trying to get you back for scaring me.

Satan:
That's so dumb. What a dumb joke. Why would you do that?

Lucy:
I just thought you'd say, "Oh, no"! And then I could say, "kidding ha ha", like how you always do to me.

Satan:
WELL, IT DID WORK! NOW I'M MAD!

Lucy:
Alright, then I guess --

Satan:
WHAT WRE YOU MAD ABOUT? YOUR JOKE WORKED! I BELIEVED THAT YOU WERE PREGNANT, AND THEN I GOT EXCITED 'CAUSE I WAS GONNA HAVE A MONSTER BABY.

Lucy:
Well, I guess I'm kind of mad that my Dad would be excited about the fact that I'd be pregnant with a monster baby.

Satan:
THAT'S WHAT I WANT! I WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY, AND I WANT A MONSTER! [sighs]