Roseanne

Roseanne

Roseanne is an American television sitcom starring Roseanne Barr. It revolves around the fictional Conner family. It aired on ABC from October 18, 1988, to May 20, 1997, and again from March 27, 2018 to May 22, 2018. Lauded for its realistic portrayal of a working-class American family, the series reached No. 1 in the Nielsen ratings from 1989 to 1990. The original series remained in the top four for six of its nine seasons, and in the top 20 for eight. During the short-lived revival, the series reached No. 3, with an average of 18 million viewers per episode within the span of its nine episodes. In 1993, the episode "A Stash from the Past" was ranked No. 21 on TV Guide's 100 Greatest Episodes of All-Time. In 2002, Roseanne was ranked No. 35 on TV Guide's 50 Greatest TV Shows of All Time. In 2013, it was ranked No. 32 on TV Guide's 60 Best Series of All Time. On May 16, 2017, ABC announced it had greenlit a revived, 10th season of Roseanne as a mid-season replacement in 2018, with the original cast returning. In November 2017, ABC requested an additional episode, bringing the total to nine. It premiered on March 27, 2018, to an initial audience of 18. 44 million, which grew to 27. 26 million total viewers following 7 days of delayed viewing. On March 30, 2018, following the success of its premiere, Roseanne was renewed for an eleventh season of thirteen episodes. ABC reversed its renewal decision and canceled Roseanne on May 29, 2018 after Barr likened former Obama administration official Valerie Jarrett to Planet of the Apes, in a comment considered racist on Twitter which was described by the network's president as being "abhorrent, repugnant, and inconsistent with our values." On June 21, 2018, ABC announced plans to re-tool the show as a spin-off involving the Conner family without Roseanne Barr, entitled The Conners.

Year:
1988
10,671 Views

[starts to feed Jerry baby food]

Roseanne Conner:
My name is "Mommy" and I'll be your waitress tonight. We have specials on the menu including: tender sweet peas, turkey in its own both, and peaches. And I know these are good, because me and your dad make peach daiquiris out of them. [puts a spoon with Jerry's mouth] Awww, how long have I been a waitress? Well, not very long; and I am just doing it until an acting job opens up. And your dad fixes trucks for the city and he's only doing that till, uh... another one breaks. [Jerry slaps the top of his chair] The best thing about your dad's job is that it's secure, you know? Because, uhh... the last big risk we took was having you, and that was a very big risk, but that's just the kind of people we are... or were? [pause] I know what you're thinking; you're thinking, "well, since you took such a big risk with me, [Jerry grabs Roseanne's hand to be fed] and that turned out so good, how come you're playing it safe now?" Quit growing me. Because... see... [sticks her tongue out] risks are for younger people, not us. See, when you get to be me and your dad's age, you want to know that you can do the same thing over and over again you know... till you... die. [Jerry slaps his hands on the chair again] Okay, so let's just hypothetically say that your dad does take this job at the prison, right? And, uh, what about when that job's over? Then what is he going to do? Course the way this country's going now... I think they're always going to be building new prisons. Yeah, cause, you know, the way people hardly have to pay for what they do at all, it kind of makes crime look like a really good thing to get into, so a lot more people are going to be doing it, you know. And just by the sheer odds, a lot more of them are going to get caught, so I think, they're going to be building a lot of prisons, man. I think those things are going to start going up faster than Starbucks! Yeah! And then, like the people in these prisons, you know, they're going to need to eat, so me and Jackie maybe we get into the ground floor with some catering kind of business, you know. [Dan enters the house] And pretty soon, convicts from all over the world will becoming to eat loose meat in Lanford, Illinois. [stops feeding Jerry] Dan, that's it! You're quitting that boring job in the city and you're going to apply for that construction bit.

Dan Conner:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what?

Roseanne Conner:
No, I've really been thinking about this for... you know, the last couple of minutes. And, uh, this is a big opportunity here and I think we should take it.

Dan Conner:
Roseanne, is this your way of telling me that you've drank all my beer?

Roseanne Conner:
No, I was just sittin' here and I was talking to the baby-...

Dan Conner:
[interrupts her] Okay, this sounds pretty grounded already. [he sits]

Roseanne Conner:
No, Dan. He made me realize that, uh, the thing that was always so great about us is that we always took a chance, you know, and, this is a chance.

Dan Conner:
Honey, you're going awful fast here. Slow down a minute.

Roseanne Conner:
You know you want to do this. Let's take the risk.

Roseanne:
[in bed for the night] Would you stop hogging all these blankets?

Dan:
[imitating his Father's ramblings] Blankets? Let me tell you a little somethin' about blankets. I came *this* close to inventing the blanket in 1969. It was right after Woodstock, and a guy from, that guy named Navajo Joe, walks to me and says, "I already invented the blanket", so I... he took it away from me. 1969, that was a great year, wasn't it? Woodstock. Who was on the mound that year? Fergie Jenkins. Boy what a set of choppers he had, you talk about teeth, but he went plum idgit on me, and he went and, ah, sunk all his money into, ah, into whatcha call it... hairdryer stock, and tried to invent a five speed ah, photon mix ah hairdryer, and he lost all his dough, see, and, ah, then he couldn't do nuttin about it, so ahhh, so I ups to him and says, "Fergie, what the heck do you know about hairdryers, anyway?", so he goes, "Well it gets windy in Chicago.", I says "Chicago! Chicago, yeah, I was almost in the band Chicago". I used to mix their soundtracks for 'em. But I couldn't quite get it, see.

Roseanne:
[chuckling] Good night, "Ed".

Dan:
Night? Night? What the hell do you know about "night"? I was almost on "The Edge of Night" one time, 'xcept I got my foot cut off in Vietnam, you see, and I couldn't... couldn't quite make it to the audition. And the cab driver didn't speak English see, so he didn't know what the heck he was doin'...

Roseanne:
[laughing hysterically] Shut up!

Dan:
I was shut up in a cave one time, Myramac Caverns...

Roseanne Conner:
[closing monologue] Everyone wonders where creative people get their inspiration. Actually, I've found it's all around you. Take Leon for instance... Leon is not really as cool as I made him. He's the only gay guy I know who belongs to the Elk's Club... Then there's Scott. He really is a probate lawyer I met about a year ago and introduced to Leon. I guess I didn't get too creative there... A lot of kids have called my son a nerd but, as I told him, they called Steven Spielberg a nerd too. A lot of times nerds are really artists who just listen to the beat of a different drum... My mom came from a generation where women were supposed to be submissive about everything. I never bought into that, and I wish mom hadn't either. I wish she had made different choices. So I think that's why I made her gay. I wanted her to have some sense of herself as a woman... Oh yeah, and she's nuts... My sister, in real life, unlike my mother, is gay. She always told me she was gay, but for some reason, I always pictured her with a man. She's been my rock, and I would not have made it this far without her. I guess Nancy's kind of my hero too... Cause she got out of a terrible marriage and found a great spiritual strength. I don't know what happened to that husband of hers but in my book I sent him into outer space... When Becky brought David home a few years ago I thought, "This is wrong!" He was much more Darlene's type... When Darlene met Mark, I thought he went better with Becky... I guess I was wrong. But I still think they'd be more compatible the other way around. So in my writing, I did what any good mother would do. I fixed it... I lost Dan last year when he had his heart attack. He's still the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. I miss him... Dan and I always felt that it was our responsibility as parents to improve the lives of our children by 50% over our own. And we did. We didn't hit our children as we were hit, we didn't demand their unquestioning silence, and we didn't teach our daughters to sacrifice more than our sons. As a modern wife, I walked a tight rope between tradition and progress, and usually, I failed, by one outsider's standards or another's. But I figured out that neither winning nor losing count for women like they do for men. We women are the one's who transform everything we touch. And nothing on earth is higher than that. My writing's really what got me through the last year after Dan died. I mean at first I felt so betrayed as if he had left me for another women. When you're a blue-collar woman and your husband dies it takes away your whole sense of security. So I began writing about having all the money in the world and I imagined myself going to spas and swanky New York parties just like the people on TV, where nobody has any real problems and everything's solved within 30 minutes. I tried to imagine myself as Mary Richards, Jeannie, That Girl. But I was so angry I was more like a female Steven Segal wanting to fight the whole world. For a while I lost myself in food and a depression so deep that I couldn't even get out of bed till I saw that my family needed me to pull through so that they could pull through. One day, I actually imagined being with another man. But then I felt so guilty I had to pretend it was for some altruistic reason. And then Darlene had the baby, and it almost died. I snapped out of the mourning immediately, and all of my life energy turned into choosing life. In choosing life, I realized that my dreams of being a writer wouldn't just come true; I had to do the work. And as I wrote about my life, I relived it, and whatever I didn't like, I rearranged. I made a commitment to finish my story even if I had to write in the basement in the middle of the night while everyone else was asleep. But the more I wrote, the more I understood myself and why I had made the choices I made, and that was the real jackpot. I learned that dreams don't work without action; I learned that no one could stop me but me. I learned that love is stronger than hate. And most important, I learned that God does exist. He and/or She is right inside you, underneath the pain, the sorrow, and the shame. I think I'll be a lot better now that this book is done.


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