The Muppet Show

Statler:
What have you got for an opening act this time? A Chinese gorilla dancing ballet?

Kermit:
Cancel the opening number.

Chinese Gorilla:
Dong day do dai dai do...

Statler:
Ever heard of pig on bikes?

Waldorf:
I've never heard of road hogs.

Fozzie:
I don't got rhythm.

Rowlf:
That's for sure.

Fozzie:
I don't got rhythm.

Rowlf:
Who can ask for anything more?

Statler:
We could!

Waldorf:
Yeah! Earplugs!

Miss Piggy:
But I love him.

Rowlf:
How could you love him? You're a nurse.

Miss Piggy:
That may be true, but I am a woman first.

Rowlf:
No, you're not. You're a pig first. Nurse second. I don't think woman made the top 10.

Kermit:
Animal, you like the theme song, don't you?

Animal:
[nods head emphatically] Yeah, yeah!

Floyd:
No, no!

Animal:
[shakes head emphatically] No, no.

Waldorf:
Tell me, Statler. Do you have any naval experience?

Statler:
Well, I once saved a rat from drowning.

Waldorf:
Really, how?

Statler:
I gave him mouth to mouse resuscitation!

Kermit:
And now a man who needs no introduction, so what am I doing out here?

Robot Kermit:
Hey, listen you, how about you and me getting together and makin' some ste-e-e-am heat. Huh, snuggle bunny?

Miss Piggy:
Snuggle bunny? Why, uh...

Robot Kermit:
Yeah. Look, let me take you away from all this. Aaah, a marriage made in heaven. A frog and a pig. We can have bouncing baby figs.

Waldorf:
Well, you gotta give them credit.

Statler:
Why's that?

Waldorf:
Well, they're gonna keep on doing it till they get it right.

Miss Piggy:
[as Nurse Piggy] It's too late, Doctor Bob. We've lost him.

Rowlf:
[as Doctor Bob] Well, he couldn't have gone far. He was under the sheet just a second ago.

Fozzie:
Kermit. Kermit. This time I have really got it. I have re-mastered the art of handling hecklers.

Kermit:
Oh, you think so, huh?

Fozzie:
Oh, I know so. I know so.

Kermit:
OK, I tell you what - you tell a joke and I will heckle you.

Fozzie:
Great.

Kermit:
But, Fozzie - I expect a great comeback.

Fozzie:
Right. [clears throat] Ahh, my cousin's so dumb he thinks Eggs Benedict's a mafia gangster.

Kermit:
I've seen cheeseburgers funnier then that.

[Fozzie pounds Kermit with a rubber chicken]

Fozzie:
What do you think, huh? Too subtle?

Waldorf:
Just when you think this show is terrible something wonderful happens.

Statler:
What?

Waldorf:
It ends.

Muppet Newsman:
Here is a Muppet News Flash. [runs to the desk] There is no news tonight.

Waldorf:
These seats are awful.

Statler:
Why? Can't you see anything?

Waldorf:
That's the problem. I can see everything.

Statler:
Please don't make me watch it.

[repeated line]

Announcer:
And now, "Veterinarian's Hospital". The continuing storrrrry of a quack who's gone to the dogs.

Beauregard:
Kermit! Kermit! I had a dream and it was so real! I... what does it mean when you dream people are walking on your head?

Kermit:
It means you're sleeping on the floor!

Miss Piggy:
Methinks thou doth protest too much.

Kermit:
What?

Miss Piggy:
Shakespeare.

Kermit:
Sounds more like Bacon. From a ham.

Miss Piggy:
How would you like a pork chop? Hi-yah! [karate chops Kermit] You always hurt the one you love.

Fozzie:
Hey, did you hear the one about the kangaroo that comes into a store, and a hippopotamus comes out and he says to the kanga [curtains close] HEY I WASN'T FINISHED!

Kermit:
[the phone rings] Fozzie, will you get that?

Fozzie:
[Runs up and answers it] Hello. Muppet Show backstage. [Water squirts out of the mike on the phone]

Kermit:
Who was that?

Fozzie:
The water department. [Hangs up and walks away]

Kermit:
[Towards the camera] What the hey?

Fozzie:
[the phone rings] I'll get it! [Picks up] Muppet Show backstage. [Thick white smoke comes out of the phone]

Kermit:
Fozzie, who was that?

Fozzie:
[Coughing] The fire department.

Kermit:
[Towards the camera] I think this is what's called a running gag. [At that the Muppet Newsman runs by towards the stage]

Fozzie:
[Pointing at him] No, THAT'S what's called a running gag.

Fozzie:
[Phone rings] I'll get it! [Picks up] Muppet Show backstage. [Coins start pouring out of the mike on the phone, and Fozzie takes off his hat quickly to catch them]

Kermit:
Fozzie, who was it this time?

Fozzie:
Las Vegas. [Kermit walks off disgusted]

Fozzie:
[Phone rings] I got it! [Answers] Muppet Show backstage. [an explosion with bright light comes through the phone's mike]

Kermit:
[a little shaken] Uh Fozzie, who was it this time?

Fozzie:
The Atomic Energy Commission.

Waldorf:
Well, this show certainly doesn't lay any eggs.

Chickens:
Bwak bawk bawk!

Statler:
Wanna bet?

Waldorf:
[looking down from the balcony] He shouldn't have jumped. The show wasn't that bad.

Sam's Dance Partner:
What's the difference between illegal and immoral?

Sam The Bald Eagle:
Immoral is something that's not right and illegal is me with a tummy ache.

Sam The Bald Eagle:
[Sam's dance partner looks at the camera in disgust] I didn't write it.

Announcer:
And now Pigs in Space. Starring the ever handsome Link Hogwash, the illustrious first mate Miss Piggy, and the scientist Dr Jullius Strangepork. Our story begins when...

Waldorf:
How do they do it?

Statler:
How do we watch it?

Waldorf:
*Why* do we watch it?

Statler:
[Breaking the fourth wall] Why do *you* watch it?

Kermit:
Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Muppet Show!

Waldorf:
[after the song "Happy Feet"] You know, on the show that wasn't funny.

Statler:
True, true.

Waldorf:
But on a record, it doesn't even make sense!

Waldorf:
[after the ending theme plays] Uh, Statler?

Statler:
Yeah, what?

Waldorf:
Is that it?

Statler:
Yes, it's over. How'd you like it?

Waldorf:
Uh, I don't know. I slept through the whole thing.

Statler:
Well, you didn't miss much!

Statler:
I like that last number.

Waldorf:
What did you like about it?

Statler:
It was the *last* number!

Statler:
I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't watched it.

Waldorf:
Believe what?

Statler:
I don't know - I wasn't watching.

Statler:
Well the show tonight certainly didn't lay an egg.

Chickens:
Bawk!

Waldorf:
Wanna bet?

Announcer:
And now it's time for Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of an orthopedic surgeon who's gone to the dogs.

Waldorf:
I can't believe those rats were responsible for this show.

Statler:
Those rats were also responsible for the bubonic plague. Dohohohoh!

Statler:
This show is awful.

Waldorf:
Terrible.

Statler:
Disgusting.

Waldorf:
See you next week?

Statler:
Of course.

Statler:
Now why did you do that to poor Fozzie?

Waldorf:
Do what? I really was on the Titanic.

Statler:
I know. You still have the dress you wore so they'd let you in the life boat. Heh heh heh.

Waldorf:
D'oh!

Rita Moreno:
Kermit I was wondering if we could just forget the cue cards and just ad lib it.

Kermit the Frog:
Ad lib it? Yes I don't mind doing that but there are others who may take offense.

Rita Moreno:
Like who?

Kermit the Frog:
Like the guy who holds the cue cards.

Sweetums:
Nice lady not want Sweetums to hold cue cards?

Rita Moreno:
Uh no.

Sweetums:
Nice lady want Sweetums to hold something else?

Rita Moreno:
Sure you can hold anything you want.

Sweetums:
Great! That best offer Sweetums have all week.

[Sweetums picks up Rita like a football and walks off with her while Kermit shrieks]

Kermit the Frog:
That's the problem with guests on this show. They seem to get carried away.

Waldorf:
You are my sunshine! My only sunshine.

Statler:
Why you old fool!

Waldorf:
What?

Statler:
I'm not your son and my name's not Shine.

Waldorf:
And he calls me an old fool?

Waldorf:
Pay up! They made it through another one

Statler:
Double or nothing next week's show?

Waldorf:
You're on!

Statler:
You know I never liked this show's theme music.

Waldorf:
Niether did I.

Kermit:
You promised!

Fozzie:
Let's all sing the rhyming song, the rhyming song, the rhyming song. Let's take turns and rhyme together... the rhyming song.

Pig:
I left my niece in your car.

Fozzie:
The rhyming song, the rhyming song.

Pig:
My laundry's ready at half-past nine.

Fozzie:
The rhyming song. Oh brother. Link?

Link:
The stars are twinkling in the sky.

Fozzie:
The rhyming song, the rhyming song.

Link:
There's no hot water in my hotel.

Fozzie:
The rhyming song.

Statler:
You think that Jekyll-Hyde stuff is expensive?

Waldorf:
No, my wife has a whole glass of it every morning!

Alice Cooper:
[talking to The Devil on a two way radio] Hello, Boss? No, no I didn't make a sale. Uh, listen do I get any commission on hourly rentals? [flames shoot out of the radio in response] Whoa, touchy!

Kermit:
[Alice Cooper is the guest star; candle is walking on his desk unaided] It wasn't this scary when Julie Andrews did the show.

Sam the American Eagle:
Mr. Cooper.

Alice Cooper:
[turns abruptly to face him, wearing much goth make-up] Yes?

Sam the American Eagle:
Oh, good grief! Let me come right to the point. You, sir, are a demented, sick, degenerate, barbaric, naughty freako!

Alice Cooper:
[smiling] Why, thank you!

Sam the American Eagle:
Freakos: One. Civilization: Zero.

Scooter:
[Alice Coper is in his dressing room surrounded by a group of demonic-looking characters] Uh, sir? I think there's something you should know.

Alice Cooper:
Yes?

Scooter:
These monsters aren't ours!

Alice Cooper:
I know. They're mine! [he and the monsters laugh, Scooter runs off yelling]

The Great Gonzo:
[offstage] This is the voice of doom!

Kermit:
Sounds more like the voice of Gonzo. [Gonzo appears in a cloud of smoke, holding a paper] Gonzo, is that the contract from the devil?

The Great Gonzo:
No, Kermit, it's worse than that. This is the bill from special effects.

Statler:
So that was Alice Cooper?

Waldorf:
You should see his sister James Fenimore.

[they both laugh]

Kermit:
William Tell act, onstage, let's go.

William Tell:
D-d-d-don't sh-sh-sh-shout at me it m-makes me n-n-n-nervous!

Sam the American Eagle:
Mr. Cooper...

Alice Cooper:
Yes?

[Sam loses composure for a second, then continues]

Sam the American Eagle:
Let me come right to the point. You, sir, are a demented, sick, degenerate, barbaric, naughty, freako!

Alice Cooper:
Why, thank you!

Sam the American Eagle:
Freako's one, civilization zero.

[Alice licks finger, marks a score]

Waldorf:
What did you think of that?

Statler:
Out of sight!

Waldorf:
You mean you liked it?

Statler:
No, it was out of sight. I had my eyes closed.

The Newsman:
And now for this Muppet news flash. Bands of roving cheeses have been reported at the edge of town moving towards city center. The cheeses are reported to be smelly and often in the company of crackers. Most of them seem to be moving about on foot, but some cheeses naturally are in wheels. [suddenly, a huge cheese wheel rolls through the newsroom and bowls over the Newsman, followed by some mice]

Statler:
I'm going to see my lawyer!

Waldorf:
Why?

Statler:
I'm going to find out if you can sue a show for breach of taste!

The Newsman:
And now, direct from the Chicago Livestock Board, here are the gestation periods. [awkward pause] Yes. Anyhow, gestation periods. Pigs: 113 days; cows: 284 days; horses: 337 days; and elephants: 645 days. Elsewhere on the agricultural news front, the recent bumper crop has been causing problems for farmers. Widespread dumping of produce has resulted from this bumper crop. [suddenly, a bunch of car bumpers are dumped on him and his desk] Ow!

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew:
[as a gorilla is destroying the lab behind him] Think of the safety. Think of the sense of well-being. At last, your family can be protected from the heartbreak of gorilla invasion.

Waldorf:
You gotta give them credit.

Statler:
Why's that?

Waldorf:
Well, they're gonna keep on doing it until they get it right.

Fozzie Bear:
Hey, did you know that George the Janitor is so cheap that his wallet has an unlisted pocket? Am I too hip for the room?

The Newsman:
Here's a Muppet news bulletin! Dateline: New Brunswick. Mr. Melvin Cosgrove climbed a thirty-foot-pole and scrambled onto a six-by-six-foot platform. His goal: to break the world's record in flagpole sitting. That was sixteen years ago, and yesterday, his wife started wondering how Cosgrove was doing, especially since he was 84 years old when he started. His wife had climbed the pole this morning and found that he had indeed passed away. As a fitting tribute to her brave husband, Mrs. Cosgrove announced that for the next ten days, she will fly him at half-mast.

Statler:
Fantastic show.

Waldorf:
Brilliant show. [sees something smoking] By the way, your pants are on fire. [Statler looks down at the source of the smoke and screams]

[after Beaker's neck has been deflated]

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew:
Oh, so that's what Bunsonium does.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew:
Now, Beaker, you forgot the beaker. Get the beaker, Beaker.

Robin the Frog:
[Kermit has just told him to sing "I'm Five" instead of "They Call the Wind Maria". As he stalks off flailing his arms] This is outrageous! I'm going to call my agent! I'm going to call my lawyer!

Kermit the Frog:
[calls after him] I'm going to call your father!

Robin the Frog:
[returns] I'm going to go and learn this cute little song!

Waldorf:
Wow! Wonderful! Wonderful! That Bernadette Peters is terrific!

Statler:
Well, I reserve judgment.

Waldorf:
'Til when?

Statler:
'Til the pig tells me what to say. [Miss Piggy appears behind them]

Miss Piggy:
Bernadette Peters you can like.

Statler:
I loved her! I loved her!

Miss Piggy:
[suddenly angry] It's the mouse you gotta hate!

Statler:
I hated her!

Waldorf:
Terrible mouse!

Statler:
That was rotten!

Waldorf:
Boo!

Statler:
Boo!

Statler:
Seriously, what did you think of Miss Mousey?

Waldorf:
I loved her.

Statler:
Me, too.

Miss Piggy:
[appearing behind them] What!

Statler, Waldorf:
[startled] No, we didn't!

Miss Piggy:
Thank you.

The Newsman:
Here's a Muppet News Flash. Dateline: The Muppet Show. It has been reported just moments ago that a large heavy object was dropped from the ceiling. Further developments will... [suddenly, a weight drops on his head]

Robin the Frog:
Ahem. Hello Miss Peters.

Bernadette Peters:
Oh, hello Robin. I didn't see you there.

Robin the Frog:
Yeah, most people don't. Listen, I'm running away from home, but I did want to see you and say goodbye.

Bernadette Peters:
Oh? You're running away? How come?

Robin the Frog:
Well, nobody notices me around here.

Bernadette Peters:
Oh really? I hadn't noticed.

Scooter:
Bernadette Peters. Fifteen seconds to curtain Miss Peters.

Bernadette Peters:
Thanks Scooter. Oh, and thank the Swedish Chef for sending me this lovely... chicken... sandwich.

Chicken:
[an unplucked and alive chicken is between the bread] Brawk!

Bernadette Peters:
Suddenly I'm not hungry.

The Newsman:
Muppet News Flash! Soprano Beverly Sills withdrew her announced plans to retire from the operatic stage. "I'll be singing opera until the cows come home," she said today in a... [suddenly, he gets startled by the sounds of a herd of mooing cows as they stampede through the newsroom and trample him]

Statler:
[seeing Waldorf asleep] Wake up!

Waldorf:
[waking up] Huh? Who's the guest star tonight?

Statler:
Beverly Hills.

Waldorf:
Oh, I've been there before. [goes back to sleep]

Statler:
Oh. [nods]

Fozzie Bear:
[from behind the stage] Psst!

Kermit the Frog:
Hey, Fozzie. Is Bob Hope here yet?

Fozzie Bear:
No, I'm just going out to lunch. C... can I get you anything?

Kermit the Frog:
Uh, Bob Hope.

Fozzie Bear:
Sorry. You'll have to settle for salami on rye.

Scooter:
Hey, Boss? That cannonball agency just called. They're gonna send Bob Hope back.

Kermit the Frog:
Oh, when will he be here?

Scooter:
Soon. They're sending him by canon.

[above them, a loud whistling noise sounds, they follow it by glancing above them and to their side when something is heard crashing to the floor]

Bob Hope:
[walks on screen] Eat your heart out, Concord!

Kermit the Frog:
[singing] The frog has come to have his say. The pig will never get her way. Bib and napkin, knife and fork, is the only way that I'll touch pork.

The Newsman:
Muppet News Flash! Today is the opening day of the fishing season.

[suddenly, gunshots are heard and a bunch of fish fall on the desk]

Waldorf:
Hey, doesn't Hope usually sing "Thanks For The Memories"?

Statler:
Why would he want to remember this?

The Newsman:
Here's a Muppet News Flash. This is the opening night of the opera season. [he gets cut off by the sound of a soprano diva, followed by a gunshot that causes the diva to fall on his desk]

Statler:
I like the steel drums.

Waldorf:
What?

Statler:
The pigs' steel drums!

Waldorf:
I believe it; they'd take anything that's not nailed down!

Statler:
[Statler and Waldorf are dressed as Tweedledee and Tweedledum] What's that noise?

Waldorf:
I think it's Lewis Carrol turning over in his grave.

[They both laugh]

Waldorf:
What did you think of Humpty Dumpty?

Statler:
Terrible. I hate off-the-wall comedy.

[They both laugh]

Statler:
This show brought a tear to my eye...

Waldorf:
Really?

Statler:
Yeah, I'm sitting on a tack.

Fozzie Bear:
Hey, question: if a man born in Poland is a Pole, is a man from Holland a Hole? Think about it.

Fozzie Bear:
My cousin's so dumb, he thinks eggs benedict is a Mafia gangster!

Kermit the Frog:
I'VE SEEN CHEESEBURGERS FUNNIER THAN THAT!

[Buddy Rich runs into Dr. Teeth, leading Animal on a chain leash. Rich and Animal have agreed to a drum battle]

Buddy Rich:
He looks like a sore loser.

Dr. Teeth:
Yeah, well, if this chain breaks, you're gonna be a sore winner. Animal... are you ready?

Animal:
[waking up and seeing Buddy] Kill! Kill!

Buddy Rich:
Yup, he's ready!

[the newsroom is dark because of the blackout]

The Newsman:
Muppet News Flash. [sees a small candle on the desk] Uh, it's too dark in here to read the news by. Can we have a bigger candle, please? [Crazy Harry walks up and places a lit stick of dynamite on the desk]

Crazy Harry:
Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee. [runs off]

The Newsman:
Thank you very much. That's much better. With the discovery of gold, local residents are expecting a full... [suddenly, the dynamite explodes, destroying the desk]

Waldorf:
Where were you when the lights went out?

Statler:
In the dark, where else, you old fool? [laughs]

Candice Bergen:
Kermit, he ate my camera.

Kermit:
You're lucky. Last week he ate the guest.

Candice Bergen:
She was so unsophisticated, she thought Marcello Mastroianni was an Italian soup.

[entire panel laughs hysterically except for Sam]

Sam the American Eagle:
You mean it isn't an Italian soup?

Mildred:
And he calls himself a world traveler?

Sam the American Eagle:
No, now wait, I have been to restaurants where I've ordered Marcello Mastroianni, and I've gotten it.

Candice Bergen:
Really? What did you get?

Sam the American Eagle:
A swarthy, good-looking man sitting in a bowl. I always send him back.

Candice Bergen:
What do you get when you order a Russian dressing? Rudolf Nureyev putting on his tights?

Kermit:
My profile has been compared to Barrymore.

Sweetums:
Yeah, Ethel Barrymore.

Miss Piggy:
Kermit, do you notice that every time we have a beautiful girl on the show, you forget about me?

Kermit:
Uh, yeah, well, we could have a seal act on the show, and I might forget about you.

Miss Piggy:
He tries so desperately to hide his love for me.

Waldorf:
I think I should see a doctor.

Statler:
Why do you say that?

Waldorf:
I'm beginning to like the show.

Fozzie Bear:
Hey, question: What has 1,000 legs but can't walk? Five hundred pairs of pants!

Carol Burnett:
Kermit, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but this is one of the three worst shows I've ever seen.

Kermit:
What were the other two?

Carol Burnett:
There are no other two; I was just being kind.

Gonzo:
Kermit, are you busy?

Kermit:
Yes, Gonzo, but I can give you my ear for a moment.

Gonzo:
What would I do with your ear?

Kermit:
Van Gogh impressions.

Statler:
I really liked the show tonight.

Waldorf:
At these prices, who's going to complain?

[responding to Fozzie's monologue]

Statler:
I wouldn't say conditions at the club were bad, but when we asked where we could take a bath...

Waldorf:
The manager ran us through the car wash next door.

Fozzie Bear:
I don't approve of belly dancers. Why can't they dance on the floor like everyone else?

Kermit:
Are we ready back there?

Voice:
Who wants to know?

Kermit:
I do.

The Newsman:
Here is a Muppet News Flash. Police announce today that a killer lamb had escaped from the Department of Agriculture's maximum security sheep station.

[a lamb walks up behind him]

The Newsman:
This lamb is one of a new kind of sheep that has been bred to hunt wolves and is extremely dangerous.

[the lamb bleats behind him; the Newsman looks around]

The Newsman:
Uh, this killer lamb has been trained to attack at the sound of a bell.

[suddenly, the phone on his desk rings and he answers it as the lamb bleats loudly]

The Newsman:
Hello?

[the lamb attacks the Newsman]

Waldorf:
Well, this has been an evening to remember.

Statler:
Why?

Waldorf:
I forgot. [they both laugh]

Waldorf:
That was weird.

Statler:
I'll tell the world.

Waldorf:
Go ahead.

Statler:
[looking into camera] That was weird!

Waldorf:
[responding to the pigs doing "That's Entertainment"] Hey, I didn't know pigs could do that!

Statler:
Be that talented?

Waldorf:
No, be that bad!

Cloris Leachman:
Where did those pigs come from?

Kermit the Frog:
And where did they GO? I mean, who would organize a hog calling contest? It was amazing, it was bizarre...

Cloris Leachman:
...It was easy!

[guest star Connie Stevens has just finished singing "Close to You"]

Waldorf:
I'd like to get close to Connie Stevens. But I'm already close to something else.

Statler:
What's that?

Waldorf:
Ninety.

Kermit the Frog:
It's the Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Connie Stevens and from Sesame Street, Ernie and Bert.

Fozzie:
Hey, that Gonzo is SO dumb, he just heard that we're running short of water, so he wants us to dilute it!

Kermit the Frog:
To introduce our guest star, that's what I'm here to do. So it really makes me happy to introduce to you... Miss Connie Stevens.

Kermit the Frog:
Oh, er, Piggy. Have you met Lydia?

Miss Piggy:
No. Have you met my left fist?

Statler:
I love it! I love it!

Waldorf:
Of course he loves it; he's the kind of guy who plants poison ivy.

Hilda:
Gonzo I categorically, absolutely refuse to repair that teddy bear!

The Great Gonzo:
Can I take that to mean maybe? Come on, Hilda, what do you say?

Hilda:
I say that bear is the worst thing I have ever seen in this theatre. Why not get rid of him?

Fozzie:
The bear is the worst thing she's ever seen in this theatre? My whole life is flashing before my eyes.

Swedish Chef:
So, de beency bouncy burger, eh?

Waldorf:
Fifteen love.

Statler:
[after Connie Stevens sings 'Teenager In Love'] How poignant, I remember being a teenager in love.

Waldorf:
Yeah, but Queen Victoria wouldn't have you.

The Great Gonzo:
[talking about Gonzo's teddy bear] Don't tell me you don't like him either?

Kermit the Frog:
What's there to like, Gonzo? That bear is the worst! I say, let's get rid of him, OK?

The Great Gonzo:
But he's a nice bear. I don't care if he is moldy-looking. I like him.

Fozzie:
[thinking they are talking about him] Did you hear? Only Gonzo likes me. And he thinks I'm moldy!

Connie Stevens:
[singing] Each time we have a quarrel, it almost breaks my heart,/'Cause I am so afraid that we will have to part./Each night I ask the stars up above,/Why must I be a teenager in love?/I cried a tear for nobody but you./I'd be the lonely one if you should say we're through./Well, if you want to make me cry,/That won't be so hard to do./And if you should say goodbye,/I'll still go on loving you./'Cause each night I ask the stars up above,/Why must I be a teenager in love?/Why must I be a teenager in love?

Dr. Teeth:
I see they're finally starting to class this place up.

Mildred:
How do you mean?

Dr. Teeth:
They're making the rats wear neckties.

Female Whatnot:
This is not a fox trot.

Bruce Fox:
It is to me.

Fozzie:
Goodbye, Mr. Frog.

Kermit the Frog:
Hey Fozzie, where are you going?

Fozzie:
Oh, I been hearing what they've been saying about the old bear. I'm going home. I'm leaving the show business.

The Great Gonzo:
[talking about his Teddy Bear] Kermit, if the bear goes. I go.

Fozzie:
[thinking Gonzo is talking about him] Gonzo, I never realized. What loyalty? OK, the ball is in your court, frog!

Kermit the Frog:
a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute! Hold it! Hold it! Listen Fozzie. When you heard people say they didn't want the bear around here, they were referring to Gonzo's teddy bear. Not to you.

Fozzie:
Teddy bear? Then you mean you really want me to stay?

Kermit the Frog:
Of course I want you to stay on the show. You're a star. You're a legend in your own time.

[aside to camera]

Kermit the Frog:
Am I laying it on a little too sick?

Fozzie:
I don't know what to say except that if you the frog want me the bear to stay, then I'll just have to have a raise.

Kermit the Frog:
What?

Fozzie:
And I'll need a bigger dressing room, and a limousine...

Kermit the Frog:
Will you get out of here, Fozzie!

Fozzie:
Thank you, Sir. Thank you, thank you.

The Great Gonzo:
Well like I was saying Kermit, if the bear goes, the Gonzo goes.

Kermit the Frog:
OK, you can stay, the teddy bear can stay, both bears can stay, the Gonzo can stay. Sometimes the crown weighs rather heavy on this little froggy head.

Kermit the Frog:
Connie, at least we're alone.

Connie Stevens:
You know something? I think it's terrific being with you.

Scooter:
[talking about Gonzo's teddy bear] What do I think of the bear? Why, he's funny. No, no, really. Every time I look at him, he makes me wanna laugh and laugh and laugh. I think he's just great.

The Great Gonzo:
Well, I'm glad you like him. Kermit says it's a disgrace to have him around and we oughta get a new one.

Scooter:
Yeah, well, that'd be nice, too!

Fozzie:
[thinking they are talking about him] The bear can barely bear it, folks.

Kermit the Frog:
[after Gonzo's tomato plant strangles Gonzo and Hilda] They're gonna be tied up for a while.

Kermit the Frog:
And now for your amazement and confusion, The Muppet Show's resident weird person, Gonzo the Great will grow a tomato plant whilst playing the 1812 Overture on the violin.

Kermit the Frog:
[on Gonzo's act] This act may not last long... In fact it's over.

Connie Stevens:
[singing] Why do stars fall down from the sky/Everytime you walk by?/Just like me, they long to be, close To you.

Connie Stevens:
[singing] On the day that you were born, the angels got together/And decided to create a dream come true./So they sprinkled moondust in your hair, a green and star light in your eyes of blue./That is why all the girls in town follow you around./Ooh just like me, they long to be, close to you.

The Newsman:
Here's a Muppet News Flash. And now to Washington DC, for a direct call on our hot line. [burns his finger as he touches the phone] Aaow!

The Great Gonzo:
Thank you. Thank you. This is the tomato plant and I am the Gonzo. [Gonzo begins playing the "1812 Overture" on violin as the tomato plant grows and wraps itself around Gonzo carrying him off stage]

Ernie:
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Gee, it's really great to be here. Right, Bert?

Bert:
Ah, I guess so.

Ernie:
Oh, what's wrong, Bert?

Bert:
Well, I mean, I feel funny being here, this is a big TV variety show, you know?

Ernie:
So?

Bert:
I'm no performer.

Ernie:
Oh, Bert. A suave, sophisticated showman like you, Bert?

Bert:
Oh, sure, sure. I know you. You're gonna keep on saying I'm suave and sophisticated, and then when I start to believe it, then you're gonna say how pointy head I have, and how floppy arms I have, and how dull I am, I know you.

Ernie:
Bert, you must admit, though, Bert, that the head up there is a little bit pointy, Bert. And you must admit that the arms are a little bit floppy and soggy, Bert. And Bert?

[pulls off Bert's nose]

Ernie:
The nose is still loose Bert.

Bert:
Cut that out!

Ernie:
Oh, I'm sorry, Bert, here. There you go, Bert.

[puts Bert's nose back on his face]

Bert:
See what I mean? I mean that old loose-nose joke is funny on Sesame Street, but this is big-time, Ernie. I mean they're expecting an act or something.

Ernie:
Hey, Bert, wait a minute. You can do an act. All you need are the clothes Bert. Come over here, Bert! Step right here, Bert!

[Ernie dresses Bert up in a tuxedo]

Kermit the Frog:
Well, Connie, we sure wanna thank you for being with us on the show tonight.

Connie Stevens:
Well thank you, Kermit, I had a ball.

Kermit the Frog:
Hey, listen. We'd also like to present with you a little gift that we give to all our guest stars on the show. A Muppet Likeness of yourself.

Muppet Likeness:
Hiya, Connie. Do you think there's room for two of us in this business?

Connie Stevens:
Well, can you sing and dance?

Muppet Likeness:
Ahh, no!

Connie Stevens:
Well, then there's plenty of room. Thanks a lot, Kermit, this is a lovely surprise, I'd just like to...

[Gonzo's tomato plant wraps itself around her and carries her off stage]

Kermit the Frog:
Oh, no, it's that crazy Great Gonzo tomato plant. Hey, make sure Connie is OK and tell Gonzo either the plant goes or he goes. We lose more guests that way. Anyhow, take care of yourselves and we'll see you next time on "The Muppet Show".

Kermit the Frog:
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Welcome to The Muppet Show. Our special guest is the beautiful and vivacious Miss Connie Stevens. So we're gonna have a great show for you tonight. As a matter of fact, right now I'd like you to meet another good friend of mine. Her name is Lydia. Hit it!

Kermit the Frog:
Lydia, oh Lydia, say have you met Lydia?/Lydia, the Tattooed Lady?/She has eyes that folks adore so/And a torso even more so/Lydia, oh Lydia, that encyclopedia/Oh Lydia the queen of tattoo/On her back is the battle of Waterloo?/Beside it the wreck of the Hesperus too/And proudly above waves the red, white and blue/You can learn a lot from Lydia/She can give you a view of the world in tattoo/If you step up and tell her where/For a dime you can see Kankakee or Paris/Or Washington crossing the Dulowear/Lydia, oh Lydia, say have you met Lydia?/Lydia, the Tattooed Lady/When her muscles start relaxing/Up the hill comes Andrew Jackson/Lydia, oh Lydia, oh have you met Lydia?/Lydia the champ of them all/She once swept an admiral clear of his feet/The ships on her hips made his heart skip a beat/And now the old boy's in command of the fleet/For he went and married Lydia.

Kermit the Frog:
And now it's time to present two old friends of ours all the way from Sesame Street. Here they are now, the two and only: Ernie and Bert.

Ernie:
And here he is now, that suave and sophisticated showman. My old buddy Bert. Well Bert, what do you say?

Bert:
Some Enchanted Evening.

Ernie:
I beg your pardon, Bert?

Bert:
You may see a stranger.

Ernie:
What's going on here?

Bert:
You may a stranger across a crowded room/And somehow you'll know, you know even then/That somewhere you'll see her again and again/Who can explain it? Who can tell you why?/Fools give you reasons/Wise men never try. [Connie Stevens emerges and begins dancing with him] Oh, Connie... Once you have found her never let her go/Once you have found her never let her go.

Bert:
Ernie? Ernie, come here... did I just make a complete fool of myself?

Ernie:
[patting Bert's shoulder] Absolutely, Bert.

Bert:
Take me home. I feel terrible.

Sgt. Floyd Pepper:
No one to talk with all by myself./No one to walk with but I'm happy on the shelf/Ain't misbehavin', saving my love for you./I know for certain the one I love./I'm through with flirting./It's just you I'm dreaming of./Ain't misbehavin', saving my love for you/Like Jack Horner in the corner./Don't go nowhere, what do I care?/Your kisses are worth waiting for, believe me./I don't stay out late./Don't care to go./I'm home about eight./Just me and my radio./Ain't misbehavin' saving my love for you.

Statler:
You think this show is educational?

Waldorf:
Yes, it will drive people to read books.

Animal:
[dancing with a Female Whatnot] One, two, three, dip!

[throws the Whatnot to the floor]

The Great Gonzo:
Hilda, Hilda. Could I ask a great big favour?

Hilda:
Oh, Gonzo, I'm very busy right now!

The Great Gonzo:
Oh, but I brought my Teddy Bear in just especially for you to repair.

Hilda:
Gonzo, aren't you a little old to carry around a teddy bear?

The Great Gonzo:
Really? You think I'm emotionally mature enough to move up to a Raggedy Anne?

Fozzie:
I've had it! Now that I know what people think of me here, I'm leaving the show.

The Great Gonzo:
Hi, Scooter.

Scooter:
Hi, Gonz.

The Great Gonzo:
Say, I'm curious. What do you think of him?

[referring to his teddy bear]

Fozzie:
[thinking they are talking about him] Listen! They're taking about me. Well, I will not listen!

Nigel:
Okay, Zoot, it's time for your solo. Have you looked over the music?

Zoot:
Do you expect me to play this, man?

Nigel:
What else would you do with it?

Zoot:
If I had a match I could put it out of its misery.

Nigel:
Trust me, Zoot, this is a great little number.

Zoot:
What if I refuse to play it?

Nigel:
What if I get a new sax player?

Zoot:
What if you and I just get right down to it and do this little beauty, huh?

Nigel:
Good thought.

Zoot:
Forgive me, Charlie Parker, wherever you are.

Wayne:
Kermit, this is an ultimatum. We sing tonight or else!

Wanda:
Kermit's not here, Wayne.

Wayne:
Hmm... Hiding from my wrath no doubt.

Wanda:
That's funny. He's not on stage either.

Wayne:
Wanda, no one is on stage.

Wanda:
You mean?

Wayne:
Yes! This is our chance. We must grasp it.

Wanda:
But this is supposed to be the place for the Connie Stevens spot?

Wayne:
Oh, we'll cut the Connie Stevens spot! Who needs the Connie Stevens spot? Who cares about the Connie Stevens spot?

[Wayne sees Connie]

Wayne:
...I can't wait for the Connie Stevens spot!

Scooter:
[to Kermit] Gee boss, I've never seen you naked before. [Kermit runs off screaming]

[Waldorf and Statler are naked, with barrels over their bodies]

Waldorf:
Well, so much for the prairie dogs.

Statler:
Yeah, now we got to worry about termites.

Kermit the Frog:
Well, you probably didn't know the Swedish Chef had an uncle... and neither did we, until he arrived just now...

[Floyd and Janice are sitting in the theater box where Waldorf and Statler usually sit]

Floyd Pepper:
Every show, Statler and Waldorf sit up here, show after show after show. I think I see why.

Janice:
You see why they come?

Floyd Pepper:
No, I see why they left.

Statler:
[sitting in an alley outside the theater] I tell you, it's almost as bad out here as it is inside.

Waldorf:
Either way, we're sitting around looking at garbage.

Statler:
There was something thrilling about being in the show tonight.

Waldorf:
Yeah, not having to watch it. [they both laugh]

The Newsman:
Here is a Muppet News Flash. Famous French clothing designer David Lazour was arrested today under the poultry laws for designing clothes that can suddenly turn into chickens. [suddenly, the Newsman's clothes turn into a bunch of clucking chickens]

[Robin's Frog Scout troop are up in Waldorf and Statler's theater box]

Robin the Frog:
Can we stay here while we work on our next merit badge?

Statler:
Merit badge in what?

Robin the Frog:
Grumpiness. [laughs]

Fozzie Bear:
[running on-stage] Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! Hiya!

[the crowd boos loudly; running off-stage]

Fozzie Bear:
Bye-a! Bye-a! Bye-a! Bye-a!

Statler:
[Waldorf holds up a score card that says "1"] You gave him a 1?

Waldorf:
He's never been better.

Announcer:
Is this the end of Pigs in Space?

Crowd:
YES!

Announcer:
Tune in next week when ...

Crowd:
NO!

Announcer:
All right, then, don't; see if I care.

Miss Piggy:
[Dom received a bouquet of roses intended for Miss Piggy, which he threw on the ground] Are those my roses?

Dom DeLuise:
Yes, they were your roses. Someone sent roses to a P-I-G.

Miss Piggy:
That amuses you?

Dom DeLuise:
Yes. [sings] The days of swine and roses...

Miss Piggy:
[angry] Knock it off, chubbo!

Dom DeLuise:
Chubbo?

Miss Piggy:
Mm-hmm.

Dom DeLuise:
Look who's talking.

Miss Piggy:
Are you saying I am a little overweight?

Dom DeLuise:
Little? Did I say little? No.

Miss Piggy:
[seeing a basket of fruit on the table] Well, you're jealous, because I got all these flowers, and all you have is that little teensy basket of fruit.

Dom DeLuise:
Actually, the little teensy basket of fruit is more suitable to you.

Miss Piggy:
Ho! And why is that?

Dom DeLuise:
I'll tell you why. Because... [picks up an apple and jams it in Miss Piggy's mouth]... it looks more natural. [laughs]

Statler:
I wouldn't mind the show if they just got rid of one thing.

Waldorf:
What's that?

Statler:
Me. [they both laugh]

Statler:
This show is awful!

Waldorf:
Terrible!

Statler:
Disgusting!

Waldorf:
See you next week?

Statler:
Of course.

Sgt. Floyd Pepper:
Okay, green thing. The band has asked me to have a word with you.

Kermit the Frog:
Yeah?

Sgt. Floyd Pepper:
I refer, specifically to the closing number.

Fozzie Bear:
Oh, boy.

Kermit the Frog:
Uh, well, I tell you, this is not my fault this time. See, because Fozzie Bear is helping me plan tonight's show, and he was the one that wanted the band to play "Lullaby of Birdland.'' That was Fozzie.

Sgt. Floyd Pepper:
So, this is the bear's doing, huh?

Kermit the Frog:
You bet.

Fozzie Bear:
Oh, hi, Floyd. Uh, isn't "Lullaby of Birdland" all right?

Sgt. Floyd Pepper:
All right? Hey, it's terrific!

Fozzie Bear:
It is?

Kermit the Frog:
It is?

Sgt. Floyd Pepper:
Yeah. "Lullaby of Birdland" is a jazz classic. At last we have some decent music on this gig.

Fozzie Bear:
[to Kermit] Ha!

Sgt. Floyd Pepper:
Yeah, "Lullaby of Birdland." Why isn't the bear running things around here?

Fozzie Bear:
Yeah. Why isn't the bear running things around here?

Kermit the Frog:
Yeah, why isn't the frog auditioning new comedians?

Fozzie Bear:
Why isn't the bear keeping his mouth shut.

Sgt. Floyd Pepper:
Hey, Fozzie, my fuzzy!

Fozzie Bear:
Hey, Floyd!

Sgt. Floyd Pepper:
Everything is everything.

Fozzie Bear:
Whatever.

Kermit the Frog:
Floyd, Floyd, it's time to do "Lullaby of Birdland."

Sgt. Floyd Pepper:
Ohh, yeah. Speaking of which, uh, since I'm playing vibes in this number, we're gonna need another player for the bass.

Kermit the Frog:
Floyd, how can I find a bass player now? You're on.

Fozzie Bear:
Hey, Kermit, no problem! I have already found the perfect bass player. Floyd, you just go out there and start cookin' baby.

Sgt. Floyd Pepper:
Ah, yeah, my bear. I knew you were a gas.

Fozzie Bear:
Yes, all right! And I will introduce this number for my hip brothers, green stuff. He-hey!

Kermit the Frog:
The, uh, bear has wigged out.

Sgt. Floyd Pepper:
What in the pluperfect past tense was that?

Don Knotts:
Lullaby of Birdland, man!

Dr. Teeth:
Oh yeah? Well, it sounds like the bird died.

Sgt. Floyd Pepper:
Me and the band just took another vote because of what happened in the Birdland number.

Fozzie Bear:
Yeah?

Sgt. Floyd Pepper:
You have been officially and permanently de-shaded. Take off the peepholes.

Fozzie Bear:
Oh, no.

Don Knotts:
Don't worry, Fozzie. Always remember: square is beautiful.

Fozzie Bear:
You bet.

Sgt. Floyd Pepper:
I'll see that bet and raise you five.

Statler:
I know what's wrong with this show.

Waldorf:
What?

Statler:
It's the theater.

Waldorf:
What's wrong with it?

Statler:
The seats face the stage!

[the Swedish Chef tried to make fishie chowder]

Waldorf:
[groaning] Ohh...

Statler:
What's wrong with you?

Waldorf:
It's either this show or indigestion. I hope it's indigestion.

Statler:
Why?

Waldorf:
It'll get better in a little while.

Waldorf:
[after a musical number with bugs] That number made me nostalgic.

Statler:
Nostalgic for what?

Waldorf:
DDT.

Statler:
So they blew up half the theater.

Waldorf:
At least they blew up the right half.

Statler, Waldorf:
Theirs! [they laugh]

Edgar Bergen:
You don't know what you're saying.

Charlie McCarthy:
Yes I do, Bergen. I can read your lips.

Muppet Newsman:
Here is a Muppet News Flash. Dateline: The Muppet Show. An embarrassing situation occurred today when the Muppet reporter accidentally went on camera forgetting to put on his pants... Oh, good grief...

Charlie McCarthy:
Bergen, call the janitor. There's a toad loose in the theater.

Edgar Bergen:
Charlie, Kermit is supposed to be here.

Charlie McCarthy:
Yeah?

Edgar Bergen:
Yes. And besides, don't you know the difference between a frog and a toad?

Charlie McCarthy:
No, I guess not.

Kermit the Frog:
Well, you see, frogs are handsome, debonair and charming, while toads are ugly and give you warts.

Charlie McCarthy:
I see. I guess that means the toad is supposed to be here.

Fozzie Bear:
Listen, Mortimer, I didn't even know you were here.

Mortimer Snerd:
Well... say, maybe I'm not here.

Fozzie Bear:
What?

Mortimer Snerd:
Was I here yesterday?

Fozzie Bear:
Uh, no.

Edgar Bergen:
Well, then probably I'm not here today. I don't travel much.

Fozzie Bear:
Listen, Mr. Bergen...

Mortimer Snerd:
Am I supposed to be here?

Fozzie Bear:
Of course.

Edgar Bergen:
You'll have to excuse Mortimer. He's a little bit slow.

Mortimer Snerd:
Yeah, it's probably why I'm not here yet.

Fozzie Bear:
Wait, what do you mean, Mortimer?

Mortimer Snerd:
Well, if I was faster, I'd be here by now.

Edgar Bergen:
Listen, Mortimer. Take my word for it. You are here.

Mortimer Snerd:
Well, thank goodness.

Edgar Bergen:
Are you through?

Mortimer Snerd:
No, I'm here.

Edgar Bergen:
Kermit, do forgive Charlie. I know that he can be difficult and trying.

Charlie McCarthy:
I can be difficult without trying.

Charlie McCarthy:
Bergen, this isn't a television show, this is a zoo.

[Waldorf is by himself in the balcony seats; Statler's seat is empty]

Waldorf:
He shouldn't have jumped. The show's not that bad.

Waldorf:
Now why would they have a bunch of chickens singing "Baby Face"?

Statler:
Because the alligators were sick.

Waldorf:
That makes sense.

[a bunch of chickens just played "Down at Papa Joe's" on the piano]

Waldorf:
Terrible.

Statler:
Awful! I hated it! [a giant chicken approaches them from behind and clucks at them loudly; they are startled]

Waldorf:
Wonderful!

Statler:
Spectacular!

Waldorf:
I liked it!

Statler:
Yeah, I loved it! I loved it!

Edgar Bergen:
What's the matter with you, Charlie?

Charlie McCarthy:
Well, if you must know, I'm lonesome.

Edgar Bergen:
Oh, you're lonesome? Oh, I should've guessed that. Sure. You miss the companionship of a beautiful gorgeous female.

Charlie McCarthy:
Yeah, yeah.

Miss Piggy:
[coming up] Did someone call me?

[Charlie looks toward her, panting eagerly, then looks back with shock]

Charlie McCarthy:
Yikes! Don't look now, Bergen, but somebody left the sty gate open.

Miss Piggy:
Did you say something?

Charlie McCarthy:
Yeah, well, I was talking to Bergen.

Miss Piggy:
Mm-hmm.

Edgar Bergen:
Yes, he was just saying that he wanted to meet you.

Miss Piggy:
Uh-huh. Didn't sound that way to me.

Charlie McCarthy:
Well, me neither, and I said it.

Miss Piggy:
For your information, you overdressed splinter, my heart belongs to Kermit.

Charlie McCarthy:
You? You're in love with a frog?

[laughs]

Miss Piggy:
What are you laughing at, mahogany mouth?

Charlie McCarthy:
You know what we used to do with frogs?

Miss Piggy:
No. You know what we used to do with wood?

Charlie McCarthy:
No.

Miss Piggy:
Chop it! Hi-yah!

[karate chops Charlie, but hurts herself]

Miss Piggy:
Ow! Solid oak! Ah! Oh! Oh!

Kermit the Frog:
And now, in a feat of grand daring never before seen on this planet, the Great Gonzo will attempt to wrestle a six-pound red brick while completely blindfolded.

Scooter:
Elke Sommer. Fifteen seconds to curtain, Miss Sommer.

Elke Sommer:
Eh, thank you, Scooter. Uh, listen, I hate to complain, but... [clears throat]... there's a man eating my make-up table.

Scooter:
Oh, I'm terribly sorry. Fred! You're supposed to eat the wardrobe!

Fred:
[to Elke Sommer] Sorry. [moves to the wardrobe]

Elke Sommer:
[visibly disturbed] Wardrobe. That makes more sense, eh? I guess.

Elke Sommer:
[during goodnights, Elke runs off screen after Beaker loses control of a chainsaw] Is it always like this?

Sam the American Eagle:
Kermit, about this Elton John.

Kermit:
Yeah?

Sam the American Eagle:
I have seen some pretty WEIRD guests on this show, but this Elton John borders on the revolutionary!

Kermit:
Sam, Elton John is a very important musician.

Sam the American Eagle:
Then why does he dress like a stolen car?

Kermit:
[to the alligators] Okay, okay, how many times do I have to tell you guys: no eating guest stars a the beginning of the show. Hey, Miss Piggy - Miss Piggy, is Elton John okay?

Miss Piggy:
Okay? He's fantastic!

Kermit:
[to camera] Yeah.

[Statler and Waldorf are wearing flamboyant Elton John-type costumes]

Statler:
Boy, we really look like something from the rock age!

Waldorf:
No, we look more like something from the Stone Age!

Scooter:
[seeing Elton taking a curtain call in a traditional suit while everyone else wears flamboyant costumes] Boy, Elton, you look WEIRD!

Elton John:
Well, you guys are all dressed like stolen cars!

Statler:
Well, what'd you think? [suddenly, they see a chicken chase after the Swedish Chef with a cleaver]

Waldorf:
I hate running gags!

Ethel Merman:
Is this a show or a zoo?

Animal:
[pops up on stage] Hiya!

Ethel Merman:
It's a zoo.

[screams]

Animal:
Perfect pitch.

[Ethel hits Animal over the head with fist]

Waldorf:
I remember Ethel Merman in the opening of "Panama Hattie".

Statler:
You're old enough to remember Teddy Roosevelt at the opening of the Panama Canal.

Guy in theater:
[to Statler & Waldorf] Hey will you guys hold it down up there!

Fozzie:
[talking to guy in the theater audience] You don't want them interrupting my act, right?

Guy in theater:
No, I don't want them interrupting our sleep!

Guy in theater:
Hey bring on the comic!

Fozzie:
I am the comic.

Guy in theater:
Then bring on the girls!

Fozzie:
This is not that kind of show!

Guy in theater:
Then bring on the girl comic!

Statler:
[scratching himself] I wonder why I'm so itchy?

Waldorf:
Maybe the show's starting to get under your skin.

Fozzie:
I went to a diet doctor, and in just two months I lost $300! [suddenly he double-checks the script with confusion, apparently not getting it]

Waldorf:
Hey, listen, all your impressions sound the same.

Fozzie:
I can't help that. They were all written by the same writer.

Waldorf:
He's got a point there.

Statler:
Yeah, on his head.

Miss Piggy:
Forgive me for being so forward, but I'm a liberated pig.

Statler:
I loved it!

Waldorf:
So what? You also loved World War II!

Fozzie:
Prices are so high, yesterday I bought a pound of hamburger and had to have a co-signer!

Scooter:
Hey, Beau, want to know what you're gonna be doing in the future?

Beauregard:
I don't even know what I'm doing now!

Beauregard:
The world is going to end and when it does, something will happen that has never happened before.

Janice:
You mean like if Dr. Bob actually cured a patient?

Rowlf the Dog:
[as Dr. Bob] Or if Nurse Janice ever kept her mouth shut?

Miss Piggy:
Or if we ever got one honest laugh?

Rowlf the Dog:
Well, if the world's waiting for that, it will be around for a long time. Cue the announcer!

Statler:
Are you ready for the end of the world?

Waldorf:
Sure, it couldn't be worse than this show. [they both laugh]

Waldorf:
I wish Gene Kelly would teach me the Charleston.

Statler:
I wish Gene Kelly would *drive* you to Charleston. [laughs]

[a telephone is the Veterinarians Hospital patient]

Rowlf:
What's wrong with it?

Miss Piggy:
It's not working.

Rowlf:
Well, tell it to get a job so it can pay me.

Janice:
Maybe it's a PAY phone.

Scooter:
George Burns. George Burns. Twenty seconds to curtain, Mr. Burns.

George Burns:
I'm ready.

[noticing Gonzo playing a violin behind him]

George Burns:
Excuse me, but... But what is *that*?

The Great Gonzo:
[playing violin] It's my new act. Gonzo fiddles while George Burns.

George Burns:
I like that joke. It's a pleasure to hear something that's older than I am.

Fleet Scribbler:
Say, is it true you're dropping a lot of stuff from the show this year?

Kermit the Frog:
Uh, no, no, not particularly.

Fleet Scribbler:
Aha. "Muppets Relying on Same Old Tired Junk."

Kermit the Frog:
Uh, wait, wait, wait. On the other hand, we have a lot of brand-new, innovative stuff.

Fleet Scribbler:
Oh, "Muppets Changing Format, Desperate to Sustain Show."

Kermit the Frog:
I never knew the press could be so depressing.

Kermit the Frog:
Say, how many of those cigars do you smoke?

George Burns:
About twenty a day. At my age, I have to hold on to something.

Statler:
Well, there it is. Your basic Latin number.

Waldorf:
Actually, that's your basic Pig Latin number.

Waldorf:
How do they do it?

Statler:
How do *we watch* it?

Waldorf:
*Why* do we watch it?

Statler:
[to audience] Why do *you* watch it?

Statler:
[reacting to the Luncheon Counter Monster eating a machine] Disgusting! Ever see eating like that?

Waldorf:
Sure.

Statler:
Where?

Waldorf:
Thanksgiving dinner with my in-laws.

Statler:
Can you sing tenor?

Waldorf:
What?

Statler:
Can you sing tenor, as in ten or eleven miles away from here?

Statler:
Why did they want the igloo?

Waldorf:
I don't know. Maybe somebody must have broken their ig.

Gilda Radner:
A seven-foot tall talking carrot?

The Carrot:
Watch it, lady. I'm a star. I sang the hit song from Cole.

Kermit the Frog:
Cole? Cole Porter?

Gilda Radner:
Cole slaw. They paid him a huge celery.

The Carrot:
Now she's stealing my jokes.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew:
There. I have just placed on Gilda's forehead a single, teensy, weensy drop of Muppet's new super adhesive. Now we'll wait a moment for it to get tacky.

Statler:
What are we waiting for?

Waldorf:
For it to get tacky.

Statler:
Another first for this show.

Waldorf:
How's that?

Statler:
It's the first time we've had to wait for it to get tacky.

Waldorf:
Well, that must be the glue, all right.

Statler:
Well, what glue is that?

Waldorf:
The one they mend the ig with.

Statler:
Good night!

Waldorf:
So long! [they suddenly notice that their hands are stuck to the railings of their box seats]

Statler, Waldorf:
Oh, no! [struggle to get unstuck]

Statler:
You know, usually, operetta music puts me right to sleep. [sees Waldorf asleep] You too, huh?

Pops:
Who're you?

Gladys Knight:
I'm Gladys Knight.

Pops:
Yeah, me, too. I'm always glad it's night, it's too hot during the day.

Statler:
You know, I never liked their theme music.

Waldorf:
Neither did I.

Kermit the Frog:
You promised!

[Statler and Waldorf laugh]

[Fozzie has asked Harry Belafonte where he gets his ideas for his songs]

Harry Belafonte:
Well, they don't come easily, you have to get inspired. Like the song we're going to do next; I discovered that song in Africa. I was in a country called Guinea; and I went deep into the interior of the country and in a little village, I met with a storyteller. And that storyteller went way back into African tradition and African mythology and began to tell the story about the fire, which means the sun, and about the water, and about the earth, and then he pointed out that all these things put together turn the world around. And that all of us are here for a very, very short time and in that time when we're here, there really isn't any difference in any of us, if we take time to understand each other. And the question is, do I know who you are, do you know who I am, do we care about each other? 'Cause if we do, together, we can turn the world around.

Kermit the Frog:
Fozzie, what are you doing with this typewriter on my table?

Fozzie Bear:
Kermit, I am writing the script for this week's show!

Kermit the Frog:
What makes you think the show needs a script?

Fozzie Bear:
Oh, come on Kermit! Every show has a script! Yeah, that way you leave nothing to chance!

[Rowlf and Lew Zealand enter, about to go on stage for the Musical Moment]

Fozzie Bear:
Hey guys! Guys! This is the Musical Moment for this week.

Rowlf the Dog:
[reading] Uh, "Curtains open. Lew Zealand and Rowlf do something funny..."

Fozzie Bear, Rowlf the Dog:
[Fozzie reads with him] "... Curtains close."

Fozzie Bear:
[Rowlf and Lew Zealand exit for the stage] Go get 'em!

Kermit the Frog:
You leave nothing to chance, huh?

Fozzie Bear:
Trust me.

Miss Piggy:
[in Miss Piggy's body] Wha - ? But this is terrible, I can't live my life being you.

Link Hogthrob:
[in Link's body] You think you've got troubles!

Miss Piggy:
I can't captain the Swinetrek looking like this, though I am kind of cute.

Link Hogthrob:
Hey, don't you dare touch you!

Kermit the Frog:
[reading from script] Uh, Thank you, thank you... Fozzie, this is not going to work.

Fozzie Bear:
Just read off the page, frog.

Kermit the Frog:
Um... Leggies and genglefins. "Leggies and genglefins"?

Fozzie Bear:
Let's see.

Kermit the Frog:
It says "Leggies and genglefins."

Fozzie Bear:
All right, so my typing is bad.

Kermit the Frog:
Leggies and genglefins, welcun again to tie Mupple Shocks. Uh, my name is Kermit the Forg... The Forg?

Fozzie Bear:
Come on, pick up the pace. Here we go.

Kermit the Frog:
And our spegial guest stap is the amazing Hapry Bela... That's Harry Belafonte, folks.

Fozzie Bear:
Kermit, your timing must be off. You should be getting big laughs with that stuff. [Kermit screams Fozzie off the stage]

Kermit the Frog:
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Harry Belafonte!

Waldorf:
I've got half a mind to leave.

Statler:
If you had half a mind, you wouldn't be here.

Kermit the Frog:
Okay, time, once again, for that furry, fuzzy, funnyman, fabulous, free-wheeling, fast and frantic Fozzie Bear!

Fozzie Bear:
Hey hey hey hey hey! W-wait, wait wait wait, froggy, not so fast. Tonight, I'm going to use your assistance. Yes, sir. You and I are going to tell the world's funniest joke. This is all spontaneous, unrehearsed. Right, froggy?

Kermit the Frog:
It's unrehearsed, right.

Fozzie Bear:
Okay, okay, okay. [clears throat] Now, frog of my heart, you will just wait until I say the word "hear". When you hear me say the word "hear", you will rush up to me and say, "Good grief! The comedian's a bear!"

Kermit the Frog:
Good grief! The comedian's a bear!

Fozzie Bear:
Check.

Kermit the Frog:
When you say the word "hear"?

Fozzie Bear:
Right.

Kermit the Frog:
Gotcha.

Fozzie Bear:
Okay. Now then... Hiya, hiya, hiya! You're a wonderful looking audience! It's a pleasure to be here!

Kermit the Frog:
Good grief! The comedian's a bear!

Fozzie Bear:
Not yet!

Kermit the Frog:
But you just said "here".

Fozzie Bear:
That was the wrong "here".

Kermit the Frog:
Which is the right "here"?

Fozzie Bear:
The other "hear"! [sends Kermit off] Go, go, go. Okay. Hey, hey, folks, this is a story you gotta love to hear!

Kermit the Frog:
Good grief! The comedian's a bear!

Fozzie Bear:
Will you stop that?

Kermit the Frog:
But you said "hear"!

Fozzie Bear:
Not *that* "hear"!

Kermit the Frog:
Well, which "hear"?

Fozzie Bear:
Another "hear"!

Kermit the Frog:
How'm I gonna know?

Fozzie Bear:
You'll know when you hear!

Kermit the Frog:
Good grief! The comedian's a bear!

[the "Good grief, the comedian's a bear" routine continued]

Fozzie Bear:
Alright, listen, you will know when I point to you.

[Kermit goes off-stage grumbling]

Fozzie Bear:
Alright, don't grumble.

[clears throat, to audience]

Fozzie Bear:
Say, a funny thing to me on the way to the theater. At the stage door, I passed a bunch of Muppet fans and suddenly I hear...

[pause, Fozzie points to Kermit]

Kermit the Frog:
[somewhat grudgingly] Good grief, the comedian's a bear.

Fozzie Bear:
[in Italian dialect] No, he's-a not! He's-a wearin' a neck-a-tie!

Waldorf:
The show didn't exactly lay an egg.

Chicken:
Bawk.

Statler:
Wanna bet?

Mildred:
Even though we come from two different worlds, I find myself strangely attracted to you.

George:
I feel the same way.

Mildred:
You mean you're attracted to me?

George:
No, to me! Weird, huh?

Statler:
Well, that's better than opening it with a bang.

[Crazy Harry then appears]

Crazy Harry:
Heheheheheh! Did somebody say "bang"?

Waldorf:
No!

[they punch Harry in the face]

Crazy Harry:
Well, you can't win 'em all.

[they punch him again]

Fozzie Bear:
My house is so dirty that my dog buries his bones in the living room carpet. I don't understand it either.

Kermit the Frog:
Oh, boy, finally we have a real Hollywood tough guy on this show.

James Coburn:
[Animal enters, flinging a squid he attacked from the first act off him, and breaking a chair around his neck] What do you call this - the Easter bunny?

Sam the American Eagle:
Ah, Beethoven. Finally! Well, for Beethoven I will stay. He's my favorite playwright.

Waldorf:
That seemed like something very different.

Statler:
Did you like it?

Waldorf:
No.

Statler:
Than it wasn't different.

James Coco:
Let me see if my crystal ball will speak to me. [Unveils crystal ball; Beauregard is inside]

Beauregard:
Howdy.

James Coco:
Aah! Bad news!

Fozzie:
What?

James Coco:
It spoke to me.

Fozzie:
You see a tall, cute stranger?

James Coco:
Could be taller, could be cuter, but it couldn't be stranger.

Waldorf:
What was that?

Statler:
It's called the medium sketch.

Waldorf:
The medium sketch?

Statler:
Yeah, it wasn't rare, and it certainly wasn't well done.

Waldorf:
Well, shall we leave?

Statler:
Why should we leave now? The worst part's over. [they both laugh]

The Newsman:
Muppet News Flash! A charter flight carrying the London Symphony Orchestra has been forced to jettison some of the musical instruments.

[a piano falls out of the sky and lands on him]

Statler:
I wonder if anybody watches this show besides us? [sees Waldorf asleep] Besides me?

Link Hogthrob:
First Mate Piggy, I need your help.

Miss Piggy:
Yes! A real assignment, yes, yes!

Link Hogthrob:
We are losing altitude... [Miss Piggy gasps]... and we must lighten the weight of the rocket by throwing something overboard.

Miss Piggy:
Oh, and you want me to help you decide what.

Link Hogthrob:
No.

Miss Piggy:
Huh?

Link Hogthrob:
We've already decided what.

Miss Piggy:
What? [Link suddenly becomes nervous, unable to speak; Piggy looks at him closely and suddenly becomes enraged] ARE YOU *OUT OF YOUR MIND*? [quivers with rage]

Link Hogthrob:
No hard feelings, I hope, Miss Piggy?

Miss Piggy:
[yelling] NO HARD FEELINGS? WHY YOU... [Link suddenly opens a trap door under Piggy, who falls through; he then looks down at it as Piggy suddenly pops up behind him through another trap door]

Link Hogthrob:
Au revoir, fatso!

Miss Piggy:
[taps Link on the shoulder to get his attention] Fatso this! HI-YA! [karate chops him, knocks him down and then stomps on him]

Fozzie Bear:
Hey, Kermit wants me to do the next introduction.

Statler:
Oh yeah?

Waldorf:
Well, he's the only one who does!

Fozzie Bear:
Hey, c'mon, guys, no heckling! I mean, I'm not even out here to tell jokes.

Statler:
Have you ever been?

Fozzie Bear:
Heeey, you know that the bear is funny.

Waldorf:
You're right. In fact, I never enjoyed you more than I did last week.

Fozzie Bear:
But I didn't do an act last week.

Waldorf:
I rest my case. [they both laugh]

Fozzie Bear:
Ladies and gentlemen, here is Gonzo the Great, with a trumpet solo: "Flight of the Bumblebee".

Statler:
That does it, I'm leaving.

Jean Stapleton:
Fozzie... you forgot something.

Fozzie Bear:
Oh, I never forget.

Jean Stapleton:
Well, where's your ukulele?

Fozzie Bear:
[smacks forehead] Oh! I forgot!

Jean Stapleton:
[giggles] You're a dingbat.

Statler:
[at the end of the show] I liked that last number.

Waldorf:
What did you like about it?

Statler:
It was the LAST number! [they both laugh]

Waldorf:
Jean-Pierre has recorded an album of Frank Sinatra's hits on the flute!

Statler:
What's it called?

Waldorf:
"I Did It Sideways"! [they both laugh]

The Newsman:
Muppet News Flash! Muppet Labs has announced the escape of their new electric sledgehammer, which is believed to be roaming the city on a very long extension cord. There is no need to panic, however, since the hammer only attacks really wimpy nerds. [suddenly, the electric sledgehammer comes up and repeatedly beats the Newsman on the head]

Waldorf:
Pay up, they made it through another one.

Statler:
Double or nothing, next week's show?

Waldorf:
You're on.

Fozzie Bear:
My cousin is so thin he paints his head gold and rents himself out as a flagpole.

Waldorf:
[in response to Fozzie's monologue] Hey, hey, hey! It's that silly bear!

Statler:
Time for the audience to go elsewhere!

Kermit the Frog:
It's "The Muppet Show" with tonight's guest star: Mr. Joel Grey.

Kermit the Frog:
Our show tonight will feature some stuff that looks like this.

Fozzie Bear:
In our house, we use paper plates, and every night after dinner, my wife erases the dishes.

Kermit the Frog:
Welcome. And what a show we have for you tonight. How would you like to see 4000 woodpeckers performing an aerial ballet, while 87 gorillas and 2 dozen elephants do "The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy"? Well forget it, because instead we've got Joel Grey as a guest star, which in a way is like having all the excitement of everything I mentioned without having to clean up afterwards. But right now let's get things rolling on The Muppet Show where we have "Comedy Tonight".

Fozzie Bear:
Hiya, Kermit.

Kermit the Frog:
Oh, hi there, Fozzie. Hey, listen, you better go and get ready. Go in the dressing room and get ready, would you?

Fozzie Bear:
Dressing room? I had a dressing room so small, all the mice were hunchbacked.

Kermit the Frog:
Please, Fozzie, No jokes right now. I'm a tired frog.

Fozzie Bear:
Tired frog? I knew a frog who got so tired he fell asleep during his nap.

Kermit the Frog:
Fozzie, what is this?

Fozzie Bear:
Oh, see, it's my new act. See, it's Jokes on Any Subject. You tell the subject, and the bear does the joke on it. Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.

Kermit the Frog:
Oh, Fozzie, please!

Fozzie Bear:
Please, take my wife! Please!

Kermit the Frog:
Fozzie, why don't you just go in the dressing room and get ready.

Fozzie Bear:
Dressing room? I had a dressing room so small...

Kermit the Frog:
I heard it.

Fozzie Bear:
Well what do you think about the act, Frog?

Kermit the Frog:
Well, Fozzie, it's got possibilities. Why don't you work on it? Alone.

Fozzie Bear:
Alone? Alone? This bear was left alone!

Waldorf:
The show's speeding along very quickly this evening.

Statler:
Oh yes, someone must have told them it's harder to hit a moving target.

Kermit:
Well, that's about all the time we have for today, but let's thank our special guest star, Mr. Joel Grey!

[Joel Grey comes out]

Kermit:
Well, Joel, thanks for being on the show.

Joel Grey:
[in German accent] Danke heir Kermit. It was mein pleasure.

Kermit:
Hey, keep working on that accent, it might come in handy.

The Newsman:
Here's a Muppet News Flash. Dateline: Brooklyn, New York. Harry Oblong, a retired New York City bus driver, said that he is holding that state as a hostage and will not release it until he is paid $50 million in cash. Mr. Oblong, whom state officials say is not playing with a full deck, says that he will not disclose the whereabouts of the state of New York, but does say it has enough food and water to last for ten more days.

Waldorf:
More! More!

Statler:
[softly] No, not so loud! They may hear you!

The Newsman:
Here's a Muppet News Flash. Dateline: New York City. A former circus daredevil, who billed himself as Boffo the Human Cannonball, fired himself out of a cannon yesterday into a crowd of holiday shoppers. Fortunately, there were no injuries to the passersby. Boffo was not so lucky. Said his wife, the former Mrs. Boffo, "I guess I'll just have to pick up the pieces and live my life."

Waldorf:
[after "Wilkommen"] Another star in the tradition of the late great Boris Klinger.

Statler:
Boris Klinger? Why, you old fool! Boris Klinger was the worst music hall act to ever step onto the stage!

Waldorf:
In your opinion maybe, but more than 2,000 people attended his final performance.

Statler:
Yes, yes. Half of them brought the tar and the rest brought the feathers!

The Newsman:
Here is a Muppet News Flash! Science has discovered a process which may go a long way towards solving the world's food crisis. Dr. William Edgar of Chicago, Illinois, reports he has found a method of synthesizing Italian dinners out of wool. At a recent press conference, Edgar demonstrated his process by knitting a tureen of minestrone while his wife, Nancy, crocheted meatballs.

Waldorf:
Well, see you next time.

Statler:
Yes, unless I get lucky and break my leg.

[Fozzie and Floyd are having a laugh at Gonzo's expense]

Gonzo:
Just what the world needs - humorous hip persons!

[Gonzo's stunt has been to use his bare hands to catch a cannonball fired out of a cannon]

Waldorf:
I've seen my fair share of cannonball-catching acts, but that had something different.

Statler:
What's that?

Waldorf:
A survivor.

[a seething Miss Piggy storms up to Kermit]

Kermit the Frog:
Oh, Miss Piggy appears angry.

Miss Piggy:
Angry? No, I am not angry. Your star is not angry. She is merely... disappointed.

Kermit the Frog:
Disappointed?

Miss Piggy:
[turns around to show backpack on her back] Yes. You have not been honest with me, Kermit.

Kermit the Frog:
I haven't?

Miss Piggy:
[turns back to Kermit sharply] No. When you told me we were spending a week in the swamp, you never said there would be snakes and spiders and... [inhales]... alligators!

Kermit the Frog:
No, I was saving the best part for a surprise. [nods]

Miss Piggy:
[incredulous] Surprise? [Kermit nods again] Kermie, you are out of your little green mind!

Kermit the Frog:
Well, gee, Miss Piggy, I was born in the swamp. My roots are there, and I just wanted you and my other friends to see it. But we don't have to go back to the swamp. We can, uh... We can go back to where YOU were born: the sty. [Piggy looks stunned] You know, where YOUR roots are. [gets agitated] Where pigs eat swill! And wallow in the mud! Remember that, huh?

Miss Piggy:
Huh?

Kermit the Frog:
*Huh*?

Miss Piggy:
*HUH*? Remember THIS! [she karate chops him so hard that it sends him flying into the stage curtain]

Statler:
You know something? That was a sweet number.

Waldorf:
It sure was.

Statler:
You know something else?

Waldorf:
What?

Statler:
I HATE sweet numbers!

Waldorf:
This theater is solid as a rock! Watch this. [stomps on the floor, then suddenly falls through it]

Statler:
You know, when I see that Judy Collins, I'm glad I left my wife.

Waldorf:
You left your wife?

Statler:
Yeah, I left her at home.

Statler:
Ever eat any of that Swedish Chef's food?

Waldorf:
Are you kidding? If I did, I'd be dead!

Statler:
That's why I asked.

Gonzo:
[to a cow] Wow, you've got a great pair of legs! In fact, she's got two great pairs of legs!

Kermit the Frog:
[Swedish Chef has drawn cut lines on a real cow] Scooter, would you erase that cow?

Scooter:
Oh sure, boss. [goes to do it, then turns to the audience] Erase the cow?

Gonzo:
[with cow in hat] Wanna go to a movie or grab a steak?

The Newsman:
Here's a Muppet News Flash! A plane carrying a load of sports equipment was forced to jettison some of its cargo. Among the items tossed out were ten thousand ping pong balls... [suddenly, many, many ping pong balls fall out of the sky, raining down on the Newsman's desk]... and one bowling ball. [a bowling ball falls out of the sky and hits the Newsman on the head, knocking him out]

[Gonzo was playing "Eine Kleine Nachtmusik" on the bagpipes while sitting atop a 10 foot flagpole]

Waldorf:
Maybe he should quit while he's ahead.

Statler:
Gonzo should quit while he's alive.

Kermit the Frog:
Ladies and gentlemen, in a major feat of death-defying musicrobatics never seen before, the Great Gonzo will perform, on bagpipes, the Eine Kleine Nachtmusik from a flagpole ten feet in the air. Ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo!

Statler:
The question is, what is a muh-nah-muh-nah?

Waldorf:
The question is, who cares?

Kermit the Frog:
Hey listen, it's another great show folks. I mean tonight our guest star is one of the truly great dancers of the world: The one and only, Miss Juliet Prowse. And if that weren't enough we've also got Mahna Mahna. Whatever that means.

Kermit the Frog:
[Phone rings] Hello. Okay. Just a second. [to the Snowths] It's for you.

Mahna Mahna:
[through the phone] Mahna Mahna!

[Kermit sips from a glass of milk, the level of which drops steadily]

Kermit:
Uh, think about this, friends.

Scooter:
Hey boss, Muppy and I wanted to talk to you about the act we're doing on the show tonight.

Kermit the Frog:
Scooter, you're not doing an act on the show tonight.

Scooter:
Gee, my uncle who owns the theatre thought of this act.

Kermit the Frog:
Tell us about the act you're doing on the show tonight.

Scooter:
Oh, it's called "Simon Smith and His Amazing Dancing Dog". Yeah, I sing this song see, and Muppy here does this cute, adorable, sweet, sugary little dance.

Kermit the Frog:
Well, it sounds says the frog displaying his artistic judgment: sappy.

Scooter:
Gee, my uncle thought it was...

Kermit the Frog:
It sounds says the frog displaying his will to survive: wonderful.

Scooter:
Yeah, it's great. You'll love it.

Kermit the Frog:
Certainly. I've often thought of Muppy here as about the cutest little fellow around. [Muppy attacks Kermit and bites him]

Scooter:
He thinks as himself as a killer.

Kermit the Frog:
Let me out of here!

Kermit the Frog:
What a dumb dog! Oops, I'm on stage. Well, now that I'm here let me take this opportunity to present The Muppet Show's resident artist person: Gonzo the Great.

The Great Gonzo:
Thank you. Tonight ladies and gentlemen, I will eat this rubber tire to the music The Flight Of The Bumblebee. Music Maestro.

Kermit the Frog:
[the audience boos Gonzo off the stage] Looks like it's another wipeout for Gonzo.

The Great Gonzo:
Yokels! What do they know about art?

Kermit the Frog:
Ladies and gentlemen. The lovely Miss Juliet Prowse.

Rowlf:
At this time, I would like to present my rendition of one of the great songs of our time. That ever-popular classic: "You And I And George". But why you ask as well you should have I never heard this great song of our times. Fact is nobody has ever heard of this ever popular classic. In its only recording, "You And I And George" sold three copies. I bought one and George bought one, where were you?

Rowlf:
My own mother turns down her hearing aid when I sing this song.

Rowlf:
You And I And George went strolling down the park one day/And then you held my hand as if to say I Love You/Then we passed a brook and George fell in and drowned himself/And floated out to sea leaving you alone with me.

Kermit the Frog:
You know that number you did was just beautiful Juliet.

Juliet Prowse:
Well, thank you Kermit. You know I'm really happy to be here with you and all the Muppets. You know something? I've never talked to a frog before.

Kermit the Frog:
Well, we're just like anyone else. A little more jumpy maybe. But you know, we have out hopes and our dreams.

Juliet Prowse:
Oh yeah, we'll what are some of your dreams?

Kermit the Frog:
You may just think I'm gilding the lily pad here. But as a tadpole I always wanted to be a dancer. But you know what they say, the first thing to go on a frog are his legs.

Juliet Prowse:
That's funny. I never knew that frogs had a sense of humor.

Kermit the Frog:
We have to. You meet a frog without a sense of humor and you're looking at a green lump.

Kermit the Frog:
Your average frog doesn't have much going for him in the looks department.

Juliet Prowse:
Oh, I don't know. I think you're quite attractive.

Kermit the Frog:
Really? You're not just saying that because you're a guest?

Juliet Prowse:
Certainly not. In fact I'd go as far as to say that you are the Robert Redford of frogs.

Kermit the Frog:
Hey, listen everybody, did you hear that? Juliet Prowse thinks I'm the Robert Redford of frogs. You're going to be coming back on this show a lot. Hey listen, have you ever kissed Robert Redford?

Juliet Prowse:
No I haven't.

Kermit the Frog:
How about kissing the next best thing?

Juliet Prowse:
You mean to tell me that Paul Newman is here?

Kermit the Frog:
I mean me! The Robert Redford of frogdom.

Juliet Prowse:
My pleasure. [kisses him]

Rowlf:
I've been playing saloons down in Snake City for three years. It was the roughest town in the west. I mean we had some mean customers.

Miss Kitty:
Howdy Rowlf.

Rowlf:
Hello, Miss Kitty. I mean they were tough. After three years I thought I'd seen it all. I'd seen the Clem brothers, the Under brothers, the James brothers. Not to mention the Osmond Brothers. But when Kid Fozzie came to town, I knew I hadn't seen nothing.

Cowboy:
Have you got a license to carry them pickles?

Rowlf:
When you get shot by a pickle in close range, do you get garlic burns?

Rowlf:
All right. You asked for it. [shoots his pickles like a gun]

Cowboy:
Sorry Kid. I didn't know the pickles were loaded. Here's your money.

Rowlf:
All right don't make a move I got you covered. Throw down your pickles!

Fozzie Bear:
Okay. I don't need guns to fight you. I'll get you with my knife.

[pulls out a carrot]

Rowlf:
Will you stop with the vegetables.

Fozzie Bear:
Oh, you shouldn't have done that. I am a desperate bear ready for desperate measures.

[pulls out an apple with a lit fuse]

Rowlf:
Oh no!

Bartender:
It's an apple!

Rowlf:
And don't tell me...?

Fozzie Bear:
Yes. The fuse is lit. The fuse is lit?

[the apple explodes]

Rowlf:
And that's how it was the day Kid Fozzie came to town.

Scooter:
Okay, Kemit. Now that Muppy is doing the big Simon Smith number, he has one other suggestion.

Kermit the Frog:
Listen, I already gave him his own dressing room. What more does he want?

Scooter:
Well, it's about the title of the show. Look. [holds up a sign saying 'The Muppy Show']

Kermit the Frog:
'The Muppy Show'? [screams]

Kermit the Frog:
Muppy? Scooter? You're on next.

Scooter:
It's no use Kermit. Muppy says if you won't change the title of the show he's not going on. He's locked himself in his dressing room, and he's not coming out.

Kermit the Frog:
Yeah, but the Simon Smith number is next.

Scooter:
I know. I know.

Kermit the Frog:
What are we going to do?

Fozzie Bear:
Kermit. How come I'm not doing an act this week?

Kermit the Frog:
Congratulations Fozzie. You're doing an act this week.

Fozzie Bear:
Sometimes I can be very persuasive.

Kermit the Frog:
Ladies and gentlemen. "Simon Smith and his Amazing Dancing Bear".

Scooter:
I may go out tomorrow if I can borrow a coat to wear/Oh, I'd step out in style with my sincere smile and my dancing bear/Outrageous, alarming/Courageous, charming/Oh, who would think a boy and bear could be well accepted everywhere/It's just amazing how fair people can be.

Scooter:
Seen at the nicest places where well fed faces all stop to stare/Making the grandest entrance is Simon Smith and his Dancing Bear. They'll love us.

Fozzie Bear:
Won't they?

Scooter:
They feed us.

Fozzie Bear:
Don't they?

Scooter:
Oh, who would think a boy and bear could be well accepted everywhere/It's just amazing how fair people can be.

Scooter:
Oh, who needs money?

Fozzie Bear:
When we're funny? Hah!

Scooter:
The great attraction everywhere would be Simon Smith and his dancing Bear. It's Simon Smith and his Amazing Dancing Bear.

Fozzie Bear:
Together. Yes. Oh yes!

Mahna Mahna:
Mahna-Mahna!

The Snowths:
Du-doo-du-doo-du!

Waldorf:
He's doing it! He's eating a tire!

Statler:
Amazing!

Waldorf:
Astounding!

Statler:
Boooor-ing!

Scooter:
Kermit, Muppy wants you to know he's very sorry he bit you.

Kermit the Frog:
Oh, yeah.

Scooter:
He wants you to know he's very grateful you're letting him do the Simon Smith number.

Kermit the Frog:
Oh, well that's nice.

Scooter:
He wants you to know he wants his own dressing room and star billing.

Kermit the Frog:
Who is this crazy dog?

Scooter:
He's my uncles favorite pet!

Kermit the Frog:
Hello there Miss Prowse. Hey listen, is everything OK? Any complaints?

Juliet Prowse:
No, none whatsoever. Except that I've never had to share my dressing room before with a man who eats a tire.

Kermit the Frog:
I told Gonzo to dress in the alley!

Juliet Prowse:
He's sweet for a frog.

Waldorf:
She just vanished! How did she do that?

Statler:
Probably like this.

[vanishes]

Waldorf:
Yep, that's probably how she did it.

Miss Piggy:
Do you prefer Shakespeare to Bacon?

Pig:
I prefer anything to Bacon.

Waldorf:
More! More!

Statler:
Less! Less!

Kermit the Frog:
Ladies and gentleman. It's Cowboy Time!

Rowlf:
Hello, Miss Kitty.

Fozzie Bear:
Alright everybody. Reach for the floor. This is a stick down.

Bartender:
You're confused kid. You ain't got no guns. Those are pickles. There he is: the Fastest Gerkin in the West.

Waldorf:
That's one of the reasons I always thought the Muppets are weird. They think explosions are funny. Explosions aren't funny." [Statler's cigar explodes]... although some of them are really quite droll.

Zoot:
Juliet, what has one eye, sharp teeth, and it long and fuzzy.

Juliet Prowse:
I don't know.

Zoot:
I don't know either, but you're wearing it!

[Juliet screams]

Statler:
Hey, Waldorf, I was wondering if maybe you... [continues to move his lips]

Waldorf:
Darn, I'd better get some new batteries for my hearing aid.

Statler:
Ha ha ha! I fool him every time! [Waldorf punches Statler in the jaw]

Waldorf:
Well, what did you think?

Statler:
Beats sitting around watching television.

Mahna Mahna:
Mahna Mahna!

Mildred:
You're such a smooth dancer. Ever since we've started I feel like my feet have never touched the floor.

George:
They haven't. You've been standing on mine!

Flower Eating Monster:
Mind if I smoke?

Female Dancer:
If you insist.

Flower Eating Monster:
Thanks. [smoke comes bellowing out of the monsters nose filling the ballroom and causing the other dancers to cough] Smokes not bothering you is it?

Mildred:
Manager!

Fozzie Bear:
Hey, have I got an opening joke for you tonight.

[laughs]

Fozzie Bear:
Oh, you're going to love this... There's two kinda...

[Curtain closes]

Kermit the Frog:
Stand by for the Western Sketch.

Fozzie Bear:
Hey Kermit.

[doing a bad John Wayne impression]

Fozzie Bear:
Does this sound like John Wayne?

Kermit the Frog:
Will you get on stage Fozzie?

Fozzie Bear:
Hey, have I got an opening joke for you tonight! [laughs] Oh, you're gonna love this... There's two kinda... [gets cut off by the closing curtain]

Rowlf the Dog:
[to Nigel as he plays the show's theme on his piano] Well, you must admit, Nigel, this does sound a little square.

Nigel:
Play, hound, play.

Fozzie Bear:
Hey, have you heard the one about this very fat pig?

Miss Piggy:
[angrily] Have you heard this one about this very FLAT bear? Hiii-ya! [she karate-chops him]

Arab drilling-rig operator:
Before we start d-trilling, where should zwe pahrk ze CAMELS?

Wealthy Arab sheik:
[hearing that Kermit is in the hospital, and having already confidently offered to buy Kenny Rogers a new guitar to replace the one that his camel stepped on] Do not vurry about ze frog, ve vill buy you a new one!

Scooter:
[in a disgusted irritable tone at the sheik's unaware and indifferent "I'm so rich that I can just buy my way out of any problem" attitude] Will you STOP that?

[Statler is wearing a hard hat]

Waldorf:
What's the hard hat for?

Statler:
I want to be ready in case they start throwing pigs at us again!

[they both laugh]

The Newsman:
Now for a Muppet News Flash! Muppet Labs has just announced that they are recalling their latest model hospital bed used in the "Lime and Coconut" production number. The beds were built on an assembly line formerly used for popup toasters.

[suddenly, the sound of a spring is heard and Kermit is flung off the hospital bed and through the newsroom, hitting his head on the desk]

Statler:
[in response to the second Muppet News Flash] Do they sell insurance for this show?

Statler:
Did you see that?

Waldorf:
Yes, the frog is certainly taking a beating on this show.

Statler:
It's hard to feel sorry for him. We take a beating EVERY show! [they both laugh]

Rowlf:
Okay, what happens now?

Fozzie:
Oh, now comes the funny part.

[exits]

Rowlf:
Well, leaving the stage is funnier than a lot of things the bear does.

Fozzie:
[enters holding a fish] Okay, now ask me what I'm carrying the fish for.

Rowlf:
Oh, Fozzie, what are you carrying the fish for?

Fozzie:
Oh, just for the halibut.

Rowlf:
You were better off leaving the stage.

Statler:
You know, they can improve the whole show if they just changed the ending.

Waldorf:
How?

Statler:
Put it closer to the beginning. [they both laugh]

The Newsman:
And now a Muppet News Flash. This is an update on the Henderson burglary. Police have recovered all the stolen property except the silverware. It has disappeared into thin air. [suddenly, a bunch of silverware rains down on the desk]

Fozzie:
Oh, you can't stop the old Fozzie tonight! I'm really cooking! I'm one rare bear!

Waldorf:
Yeah. You're a square bear that ought to be served medium rare.

Statler:
Author! Author!

Waldorf:
[half asleep] Is he here?

Statler:
Who?

Waldorf:
Arthur.

Statler:
Oh, go back to sleep.

Fozzie:
I bet on a horse that came in so late they had to pay the jockey time and a half.

The Newsman:
Here's a Muppet News Flash. Mrs. Lola Bramswell of Covington, Kentucky, has come upon a most unique diet. For the past ten years, she has eaten nothing but seaweed. [a screen turns on, revealing Lena Horne as Mrs. Bramswell] Tell us, Mrs. Bramswell, has eating only seaweed presented any problems?

Lola Bramswell:
No, not really, except that twice a day, I find myself going in and out with the tide.

The Newsman:
That's not easy to do in Kentucky.

Lesley Ann Warren:
You know, Kermit, I thought you were the one person on this show who wasn't crazy.

Kermit the Frog:
Me not crazy? I hired the others.

Gonzo:
[seated on a motorcycle, about to perform a motorcycle stunt] Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This evening, I will perform a feat of lunatic daring. Before your very eyes, I will ride this motorcycle up this ramp and jump directly into... [looks up at Waldorf and Statler's theater box]... THAT box, landing safely between those two elderly gentlemen.

Waldorf, Statler:
[looking at each other; alarmed] What!

Gonzo:
Oh, I can assure you, you'll be in no danger.

Statler:
You're right.

Waldorf:
We'll be in Chicago!

Kermit the Frog:
And now, for the second time this evening, the Great Gonzo will attempt a motorcycle jump off of this stage into that box up there, landing safely between those two elderly gentlemen!

Statler:
We're not afraid. We know Gonzo!

Waldorf:
If at first you don't succeed, fail, fail again!

[Gonzo's motorcycle from earlier is still in Waldorf and Statler's theater box, teetering on the edge]

Waldorf:
You know, this show is beginning to roll.

Statler:
So is the motorbike. [the motorcycle falls out of the box]

Leslie Uggams:
Listen, Lew. What does it take to become a great boomerang-fish thrower?

Lew Zealand:
Well, you gotta have sole. And if you can't get sole, use halibut.

Leslie Uggams:
I should have guessed.

Lew Zealand:
But in that case, I use a catcher's mitt.

Leslie Uggams:
Why? No, no, don't tell me. Let me guess. Just for the halibut?

Lew Zealand:
See? You're catching on.

Leslie Uggams:
Listen, how did you acquire this talent? Was it an accident?

Lew Zealand:
No, it was on porpoise.

Leslie Uggams:
I give him the straight lines, and he gives me the fish lines.

Miss Piggy:
Holy maracas!

Big Bird:
Oh, hi. I'm Big Bird.

Miss Piggy:
Huh. No kidding.

Big Bird:
I'm a friend of Kermit's.

Miss Piggy:
Oh.

Big Bird:
Yeah, we both come from the same neighborhood. Sesame Street.

Miss Piggy:
Oh. Isn't that that cute little children's show with puppets?

Big Bird:
Uh-huh. And who are you?

Miss Piggy:
Who am I? I am Miss Piggy.

Big Bird:
Oh. Well, do you work around here?

Miss Piggy:
Uh, listen, yellow thing. Do you see that star here?

Big Bird:
Oh, yes. It's very pretty.

Miss Piggy:
And, uh, do you know why it is there?

Big Bird:
Well, uh... Perfect attendance?

Miss Piggy:
I am the singing star of this show.

Big Bird:
A singing pig? That's very funny! [Laughs]

Miss Piggy:
Kiss your feathers goodbye, bird! Hai-ya! [swings at Big Bird, but he doubles over and she misses and falls]

Big Bird:
Oh, you do acrobatics, too. She's very versatile.

The Great Gonzo:
Listen to the rhymes in the chorus. It's very Cole Porte-ry. Camilla / You're sweeter than wine or vanilla, Camilla / Come lie beneath this tree, it's a willa, Camilla / Camilla / The night it grows stilla and stilla, Camilla / You're prettier by far than Godzilla, Camilla.

[Waldorf and Statler's theater box is full of chickens]

Waldorf:
Have we ever said that this show is for the birds?

Statler:
Yes, and we'll keep saying it until it gets a laugh.

Kermit:
And now I want you to close your eyes and think of exotic Greek dancers, because if you open them you'll see this.

Waldorf:
Greek music, very appropriate for the pigs.

Statler:
The pigs are from Greece?

Waldorf:
The pigs are greasy.

Statler:
Finally, we've seen them do a good show.

Waldorf:
Good. Can we please stop coming now?

The Newsman:
Here's a Muppet News Flash. Work was started today on a remodeling of the Muppet news studio, and it is said that... [suddenly, a wrecking ball smashes through the wall behind him; the Newsman ducks down to avoid being hit]

Statler:
[Statler and Waldorf are in prison uniforms in a cell in the balcony] How long are we here for?

Waldorf:
Twenty years.

Statler:
If I'd known that judge was giving us the box, I'd have asked for the chair.

[They both laugh]

Statler:
Run for your life!

Waldorf:
This show is murder!

Waldorf:
You know, it's too bad Gonzo's leaving the show.

Statler:
Yeah. I can think of some other people I'd rather see leave the show.

Waldorf:
Who?

Statler:
Me.

[Gonzo is singing "My Way" as his finale song before leaving for a film career in Bombay, but he breaks down crying]

Kermit the Frog:
Gonzo? Are you okay, Gonzo? It's just a song.

Gonzo:
I know. It's not the song. I just don't want to go.

Kermit the Frog:
But you're going to go out and make movies.

Gonzo:
I want to go there. I just don't want to leave here.

Kermit the Frog:
You had a choice to make, Gonzo, and you made it, and it was a good choice.

Gonzo:
I know.

Kermit the Frog:
I don't like long goodbyes, Gonzo, so... [reaches his hand out to shake Gonzo's; Gonzo hugs Kermit] Take care of yourself, Gonzo.

Gonzo:
You, too. [sniffles]

Kermit the Frog:
[to camera] We've had a little change of plans. I think we better just take a break. [leaves with his arm around Gonzo's shoulder]

Statler:
You know, Gonzo would have been perfect for that movie he was going to star in.

Waldorf:
What movie was that?

Statler:
"The Revenge of the Little Blue Geek". [both laugh]

Loretta Swit:
Oh, now, Kermit, you know how important Miss Piggy is to this show.

Kermit the Frog:
Well...

Loretta Swit:
And, Miss Piggy, you know you wouldn't be happy anywhere else.

Miss Piggy:
Hmmm...

Loretta Swit:
Aw, so come on now, let's sing a nice, warm, lovely together song.

Kermit the Frog:
I hate sappy songs like that!

Loretta Swit:
Alright then, why don't you two just kiss and make up?

Kermit the Frog:
Well, let's sing the sappy song!

Miss Piggy:
You don't make it easy, Frog!

Kermit the Frog:
Piggy, have you been planting items about us in the gossip papers again?

Miss Piggy:
Um... well... uh... uh... what would make you think a thing like that?

Kermit the Frog:
The photographer who was just here. He was from Tongue Magazine.

Miss Piggy:
Oh. Uh-huh... Well, it was just a little teeny-tiny item.

Kermit the Frog:
[Getting angry] It was a cover story about us being secretly married!

Miss Piggy:
Just a little slight exaggeration.

Kermit the Frog:
[shouting] That's a bold-faced *lie*, Piggy! I will not stand around while you do dumb things like that, Piggy! You've done that to me too many times, Piggy! I will not stand for it! I will not stand for it!

Miss Piggy:
Well, what are you going to do?

Kermit the Frog:
[Still shouting] I'll *tell* you what I'm going to do, Piggy. I'm going to *fire* you! Piggy, you are fired! You are fired, Piggy! You are fired! Fired! [breathes heavily]

Statler:
South Dakota!

Waldorf:
South Dakota has nothing to do with this show.

Statler:
That's what I want, nothing to do with this show! [they both laugh]

Miss Piggy:
[Kermit just shouted at Piggy that he is firing her] You're not kidding?

Kermit the Frog:
[shouting] I am not kidding!

Miss Piggy:
But... But I'm in the next number!

Kermit the Frog:
I will cancel... [calling out] Cancel the next number! Put on the Snorers' Chorus instead. Snorers? Snorers' Chorus, get the Snorers' Chorus on stage! [the crew bring the Snorers' Chorus out on the stage]

Miss Piggy:
Hold it! Wait a minute, wait a minute, it's my number! You can't fire me, I'm the star!

Kermit the Frog:
You can be replaced, Piggy.

Miss Piggy:
Oh, oh, I see! Just try!

Kermit the Frog:
I will, I will! I will replace you!

[after Kermit fired Miss Piggy]

Loretta Swit:
Kermit, you can't just pick her up and throw her out in the snow.

Kermit the Frog:
Not without a forklift, I can't!

Lou Rawls:
Animal, you know, you play the drums so good. I mean you take the sticks and you really lay down some great percussion!

Animal:
Percussion! Wha!

Floyd:
Uh, Lou, you sort of have to consider Animal as your basic primitive man. You have to know how to talk to him.

Lou Rawls:
Oh, yeah? Well, how do you tell a guy like that that his work with the sticks is *down*? He can really put some soul in the bowl, you know what I'm saying?

Floyd:
Oh, yeah, well, that's easy. Animal! Good drummer!

Animal:
Good drummer, good drummer, good drummer.

[Animal rubs up against Floyd like a cat]

Lou Rawls:
Well, let me ask you this: you see I've got this long road trip coming up, and I'm short a drummer. You think he'd be interested?

Floyd:
Oh, no, you couldn't take Animal on any long road trips, Lou.

Lou Rawls:
Why not, man? The cat's good.

Floyd:
Aw, you couldn't get a long enough chain!

Animal:
Chain! Chain!

[Animal chews on his chain]

Lou Rawls:
Come on, Floyd. Just let me discuss it with him man to man, okay?

Floyd:
Man to man? This dude don't know Animal! Okay Lou, there's his chain, but let me ask just one favor.

Lou Rawls:
Yeah, baby?

Floyd:
Don't let him chase any cars.

Lou Rawls:
Don't let him chase any *cars*?

Animal:
Car!

[Animal chases after the car, dragging Lou with him]

Statler:
I loved tonight's show!

Waldorf:
Really?

Statler:
Of course not. I just wanted to see if I could say it.

[they both laugh]

The Newsman:
Here is a Muppet News Flash. Dateline: New York. Medical science has been baffled by a sudden epidemic of the rare disease, mallarditis. The illness strikes very quickly and causes its victim to turn into a duck. [looks up] Mallarditis? That's the silliest thing I ever... [suddenly, his head turns into that of a duck] Quack. Quack. Quack.

Kermit the Frog:
We've had to move things around a little...

Fozzie Bear:
KERMIIIIT! [Fozzie whizzes by, unable to stop on his skates]

Kermit the Frog:
In fact some things are moving around quite a lot.

Miss Piggy:
Holy Guacamole! This is a job for Wonder Pig!

Lynda Carter:
Wonder Pig?

Waldorf:
[seeing Statler dressed as a money-themed superhero] Hey! You've turned into...

Statler:
[dramatically] Money Man!

The Newsman:
Here's a Muppet News Flash. Dateline: Egypt. Archaeologists today discovered an ancient tomb more than 5,000 years old in the Nungal Valley. An inscription over the tomb warned that the crocodile god, Rezal-evad-gib... That's Rezal-evad-gib... would wreck a terrible vengeance on anyone who entered the tomb or even pronounced his name aloud. [looks up] That's a ridiculous story. I never... [suddenly, a crocodile appears and tries to eat the Newsman]

Muppet Newsman:
[ringing bell] 5 o'clock and all's well! 5 o'clock and all's well! Except that Maid Marian has been kidnapped, the sheriff's up to no good, that dog is stealing the cheese, Kermit's mad at Piggy, and it's really only 4:30.

Guard #1:
So, how goes the night?

Guard #2:
T'is dark but still.

Guard #1:
Still what?

Guard #2:
Still dark.

Kermit:
Hold fast, good sir, lest I strike you again with my quarterstaff!

Guard:
That's a cheap weapon. Mine cost fifty cents.

Kermit:
That's a cheap joke. You'll pay for that!

Lynn Redgrave:
Kermit, this has been a most unique theatrical experience.

Kermit:
Oh, thank you. We can take that as a compliment?

Lynn Redgrave:
Umm...

Scooter:
Black Bart is the opening archer / The Sheriff of Nottingham's man / With the strength of an ox, the nerve of a fox / And the brains of a gooseberry flan.

Kermit:
Gonzo's trying to get himself killed.

Floyd:
Yeah, but he won't make it. He never succeeds at anything. Best he can hope for is maimed.

Statler:
Well, I've seen a lot of versions of Robin Hood, but none to match this one.

Waldorf:
How's that?

Statler:
The others were all good.

Statler:
The legend of Robin Hood will never die.

Waldorf:
No, but it sure got wounded pretty badly tonight.

Statler:
We got our money's worth tonight.

Waldorf:
But we paid nothing.

Statler:
That's what we got!

[Gonzo has gotten over his crush on Miss Piggy]

Gonzo:
I found somebody else.

Miss Piggy:
Oh, well, uh, yeah, what, uh...

[clears throat]

Miss Piggy:
What's she like?

Gonzo:
Well, she's nothing like you at all.

Miss Piggy:
Mm-hmm.

Gonzo:
She's BEAUTIFUL!

[Piggy looks stunned and slowly looks toward Gonzo]

Gonzo:
And she's got this cute little nose. And she's intelligent and talented, and I'm very happy.

[Gonzo looks toward Piggy, who quivers in anger and holds up her fist]

Gonzo:
So you see, breaking up with you isn't painful at all.

Miss Piggy:
Not until now! Hiiii-ya!

[karate-chops Gonzo on the nose, twisting it into his mouth]

Gonzo:
[muffled] I see what you mean.

[the Swedish Chef had tried to put a lobster in a pot, only for it to be saved by a bunch of gun-toting lobster banditos]

Statler:
You know, I think they were trying to make a point with that sketch.

Waldorf:
What's the point?

Statler:
You're right. Forget it.

The Newsman:
Reports are coming in from all over the world that television news reporters are blowing up. These unlikely rumors have... [suddenly, the Newsman himself blows up and is gone]

Statler:
[about the Pigs In Space sketch] You know, that was almost funny.

Waldorf:
They better be careful, they'll spoil a perfect record.

[the cast of Sesame Street is crowding behind Waldorf and Statler's box seat]

Waldorf:
How should we know how to get to Sesame Street?

Statler:
We don't even know how to get out of this stupid theater box!

The Newsman:
And now this Muppet News Flash! On Wall Street today, commodity experts were amazed as beef fell dramatically.

[he suddenly hears the sound of a cow mooing from above; looks up]

The Newsman:
Oh, no!

[a cow falls down on top of the Newsman]

Statler:
[looking up] Watch out!

[Statler and Waldorf duck down as a random Muppet character is thrown at their box seats]

Statler, Waldorf:
[waving a white flag] We surrender!

Gonzo:
Hey, Uncle Milty. I hope you really knock'em dead out there.

Milton Berle:
Listen, kid. Don't worry about the king.

Gonzo:
I'm not. I'm worried about you.

Milton Berle:
How do you like that? I'm not even on the stage, and I'm in trouble.

Statler:
Hey, Berle.

Milton Berle:
What?

Statler:
You know what? I've just figured out your style.

Milton Berle:
Really?

Waldorf:
You work like Gregory Peck.

Milton Berle:
Gregory Peck's not a comedian.

Waldorf:
Well...

Milton Berle:
Now, just a minute. I have been a successful comedian half of my life.

Waldorf:
How come we got this half?

Milton Berle:
Look, did you come here to be entertained or not?

Statler:
That's right.

Milton Berle:
What's right?

Statler:
We came in here to be entertained, and we're not.

Milton Berle:
I dare you both to come down here to entertain.

Waldorf:
Yeah, we should.

Milton Berle:
Do you sing?

Waldorf:
No.

Milton Berle:
Do you dance?

Statler:
No.

Milton Berle:
Do you get laughs?

Waldorf:
No.

Milton Berle:
Then what would you do?

Waldorf:
Just what you're doing!

[Rowlf is playing "The Entertainer" slowly]

Milton Berle:
"The Entertainer", right?

Rowlf:
Yep, that's the name of the song.

Milton Berle:
You know, most people don't know that there are words to that song.

Rowlf:
That's true.

Milton Berle:
You know what they're about? They're about the stars and the performers and the entertainers that appeared during the heyday of Vaudeville.

Rowlf:
You used to be in Vaudeville, didn't you?

Milton Berle:
Yeah, sure I was, but when I was a kid.

Rowlf:
How many performances did you do in Vaudeville?

Milton Berle:
Oh, I'd say between 80,000 and 100,000.

Rowlf:
Wow, you were really the entertainer, weren't you?

Milton Berle:
One of them... yeah, one of them. Many, many fond memories. [speaking, soulfully] Now the curtain is going up. The Entertainer is taking a bow. He does his dance step and sings his song, he even gets the audience to sing along. Yes, he knows just what to do, he knows how to brings down the house when he's through. Snappy patter and jokes, he knows what pleases the folks. The Entertainer: the Star of the Show.

[tempo increases and the Muppets come on the stage]

Muppets:
[singing] It was in Vaudeville and he was on the bill with all the singers, dancers, acrobats and clowns.

Fozzie Bear:
There was a dancing bear.

Rowlf:
Even a dog act there.

Scooter:
And a comedian who never let them down.

Muppets:
But when he came on to do his favorite song, he really wowed them in the cities and the towns. They came from near and far to see the Vaudeville star: The Entertainer!

[tempo slows]

Milton Berle:
[speaking, soulfully] Now the curtain is going down on the Entertainer: the artist, the pro. He was put on this earth to bring us laughter and mirth. The Entertainer: the Star of the Show.

The Newsman:
Here's a Muppet News Flash. Dateline: London. The will of the late Mary Cramble, which has been bitterly contested by her son, Charles, and her cat, Cutie Pie, was settled today. A special court has ruled Charles as the sole heir, and he will be rewarded the entire estate: 10,000 rubber mice.

Waldorf:
There's something wrong with this hearing aid.

Statler:
Yeah, what's wrong?

Waldorf:
I can't hear it. [accidentally knocks it off the balcony]

Statler:
Oh, no wonder! It's too far away.

Waldorf:
Well, I finally got my hearing aid working.

Statler:
Hmm? Speak up, my hearing aid's not working!

Waldorf:
Huh?

[Miss Piggy mistook Gonzo's love letter on her dressing room door for a letter from Kermit]

Gonzo:
[singing] She kissed me... She put her arms around me and she kissed me...

Miss Piggy:
It was a CASE of mistaken identity!

Gonzo:
Oh, hug me Miss Piggy! HOLD me!

Miss Piggy:
I will not hug you, you... TWIT TURKEY!

Gonzo:
Hold my hand, pig of my dreams!

Miss Piggy:
Will you beat it, twerp?

Gonzo:
Just touch me, o hog of my heart!

Miss Piggy:
Here's a touch for ya, wimp buzzard!

Gonzo:
I'm ready!

[She karate chops him and leaves]

Gonzo:
[singing] She touched me... She swung her porky pinky's and She touched me.

Kermit:
Uh, Miss Piggy, while I am flattered at this display of affection, allow me to remind you once again that I do not want you.

Gonzo:
[to Kermit] Oh, good, then can I have her?

[Miss Piggy karate chops both of them at once, one with each hand]

Miss Piggy:
[to audience] That is known as getting two turkeys with one chop.

Miss Piggy:
Kermit? That was a low and dirty trick, setting up a date with me and Gonzo. Wasn't it?

Kermit:
Oh, yeah, yeah I suppose it was. Mhm, I'm sorry.

Miss Piggy:
Oh! Kermit, thank you for apologizing so sincerely and abjectly to your lover pig.

Kermit:
Well, that wasn't exactly an abject apology.

Miss Piggy:
[Gonzo has come up behind Piggy and is nuzzling up to her] GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU TWIT TURKEY!

[to Kermit]

Miss Piggy:
Kermit, now that you've begged for my forgiveness...

[to Gonzo]

Miss Piggy:
DON'T TOUCH ME, YOU JIVE GEEK!

[to Kermit]

Miss Piggy:
...why don't we just kissy-poo and make up, my darling?

[to Gonzo]

Miss Piggy:
YOU'RE BREATHING ON ME!

[to Kermit]

Miss Piggy:
Kissy-kissy?

Kermit:
Uh, Miss Piggy, while I am flattered at this display of affection, allow me to remind you once again that I do not want you.

Gonzo:
Oh, good, then can I have her?

Miss Piggy:
[Miss Piggy karate chops both of them at once, one with each hand] That is known as getting two turkeys with one chop.

Waldorf:
Bravo! Bravo!

Statler:
What are you bravo-ing about?

Waldorf:
That performance! It was first rate.

Statler:
Yes, it was good. But only one act I've ever seen deserved a bravo.

Waldorf:
Oh, really, who was that?

Statler:
Lady Beth Macintosh and her singing parakeet. I'll never forget her closing night at the Palace.

Waldorf:
Really? What happened?

Statler:
Well, she fell into a box of birdseed just before going on stage and she was pecked to death by the parakeet!

Waldorf:
That's a hard act to follow.

Statler:
Yeah, well, I was there and I cried.

Waldorf:
Really? What did you cry?

Statler:
Bravo! Bravo!

Fozzie Bear:
Thirty days hath September, April, June, and my cousin Fred who gets out on Wednesday.

Waldorf:
That was a funny show.

Statler:
Yes, it was. I wonder if they meant it that way.

The Newsman:
Muppet News Flash! Dateline: Moscow. Sergei Lenovsky, whom the Russians claim is the world's oldest living human, celebrated his 196th birthday yesterday by taking a deep breath. Sergei has 96 children, 150 grandchildren, and 228 great-grandchildren, none of whom visit him. Said his youngest son, Leonid, "He smells funny."

Miss Piggy:
Kermit, my love, I am so sorry about my little temper tantrum. Ol' buzzard beak was driving me crazy!

Gonzo:
[running up and hugging Miss Piggy] You drive ME crazy, Miss Piggy!

Miss Piggy:
You know something, nasty nose? I'm going to send you on a one-way trip TO THE GEEK FARM!

Gonzo:
Send me! [Miss Piggy karate-chops Gonzo, then holds up one fist in the air]

Miss Piggy:
Pig power!

Waldorf:
Well, how do you feel about nudity?

Statler:
Well, personally, it always left me cold.

Sam the American Eagle:
I would just like to say a few words about nudity in the world today. And I, for one, am just appalled by it. Why, did you know that underneath their clothing, the entire population of the world is walking around completely naked? Hmm? Is that disgusting? And it's not just people, although, goodness knows, that's bad enough, but animals too. Even cute little doggies and pussycats can't be trusted. Underneath their fur, absolutely naked! And it's not just the quadripeds, neither. Birds too. Yeah! Beneath those fine feathers, birds wear nothing. Nothing at all! Abs... [realizes and walks off, covering himself]

Fozzie:
Hey, and now, ladies and gentlemen, I take great pride in presenting our wonderful guest star...

Gonzo:
Psst! Fozzie, don't forget her name this time.

Fozzie:
Gonzo, I will not forget her name.

Gonzo:
It's Nancy Walker.

Fozzie:
I know it's Nancy Walker.

Gonzo:
That's Nancy, rhymes with fancy.

Fozzie:
I know, I know!

Gonzo:
And Walker, rhymes with talker.

Fozzie:
Gonzo, I have it.

Gonzo:
And it's Nancy Walker, not Fancy Talker.

Fozzie:
Gonzo, I know the guest star's name is Nancy Walker. I remember Nancy Walker. I will not forget the name.

Gonzo:
Okay. [Fozzie leaves] You forgot to introduce her. [Fozzie chases Gonzo away screaming]

Waldorf:
Wonderful! I loved it!

Statler:
Who's your favorite?

Waldorf:
Who else? The frog.

Paul Simon:
[after dispatching Rowlf by working a trapdoor lever] I love it, but of course, I know fifty ways to love your lever.

Gonzo:
[singing] For you, I'd wash my hair with stinky glue, I'd fry my legs and eat them too, I'd put a spider in my shoe, for you. That was the first verse. Would you like to hear the other 28?

Kermit the Frog:
OK, well, we've done a lot for the music-lovers on the show, so it's time we did something for the music-haters. So here he is, as threatened, the Great Gonzo singing a song. [cheers weakly] Yay. Uh, those of you with hearing aids may wish to remove the batteries.

Gonzo:
As long as I'm here, I'd like to donate my body to science.

Rowlf the Dog:
With your body, it would be donated to science fiction.

Janice:
To donate your body, don't you have to be dead?

Gonzo:
So what? I believe in re-incarnation.

Miss Piggy:
What would you come back as next time?

Gonzo:
How should I know? I don't even know what I am this time.

Kermit the Frog:
Gonzo, you're not going to sing are you? Why don't you do that act you rehearsed?

Gonzo:
What? Perform an underwater heart transplant on myself?

Kermit the Frog:
Sure, why not?

Gonzo:
I don't know. Last time I did it, I died!

Miss Piggy:
Dr. Bob, you don't look well. Are you alright?

Rowlf:
I'm still in shock from what happened to my last patient.

Miss Piggy:
But you cured him.

Rowlf:
You don't think that was a shock?

Statler:
[Waldorf is asleep] Hey, you old fool, you slept through the show.

Waldorf:
[waking up] Who's a fool? You watched it!

Paul Williams:
You know, when they asked me to do the show, I was delighted. I mean, this is a great show to do. I have a very special reason to be excited. You see, except for me, the entire cast is Muppets. Muppets are little, tiny things. For the first time in my life, no-one will make jokes about how short I am. For the first time in my life, I am the tallest person on the show.

[large Muppets surround him]

Paul Williams:
For the first time in my life, I will cry in front of thirty million people.

Scooter:
Hello! And what's your name?

Fozzie:
[dressed as a telephone] Mike Oznowiczsky.

Scooter:
Oh, so *you're* the telephone Pole!

Fozzie:
New York is so crowded, even the cemeteries are standing room only.

Waldorf:
Eh, this show is good for what ails me.

Statler:
Well, what ails ya?

Waldorf:
Insomnia.

[Fozzie is backstage mentally preparing for the "telephone pole gag"]

Fozzie:
I am a telephone pole, I am made of solid wood. I am a telephone pole, I am made of solid wood.

[a woodpecker starts pecking Fozzie's head]

Fozzie:
I am too talented for my own good.

Waldorf:
Science, huh? They can put a man on the moon...

Statler:
Yeah, but they can't put a moon on a man!

Waldorf:
[responding to Paul Williams doing "Old Fashioned Love Song"] He's a credit to his race.

Statler:
What race is that?

Waldorf:
The hundred-yard dash.

The Newsman:
Muppet News Flash! Arnold Stockman, a retired shoe salesman, recently had a most unusual experience, and we at Muppet News Central feel it is a story that should be shared with everyone. Here in his own words is Mr. Stockman to tell you this most bizarre event. [a screen in the corner turns on, revealing Paul Williams as Arnold Stockman]

Arnold Stockman:
Well, it was about a week ago. I was sitting at home watching television. Must have been about 9:00. Suddenly, the phone rang. Well, I picked it up, but there wasn't anybody there. So I hung up and then I went back to watching the television. Darnedest thing.

The Newsman:
Well, now, whenever unusual events occur, you'll hear it first on Muppet News.

Floyd:
[wearing a suit of armor] Oh, my little green friend. You have much indeed to learn about today's slang.

Kermit:
How do you mean, Floyd?

Floyd:
Well, when I said I wanted to get into something heavy for the final number, Sir Knight of the Iron wasn't it.

Scooter:
Oh, boy, oh, boy, chief. Are we in trouble.

Kermit:
What now?

Scooter:
You know how you're planning to do the jousting scene from Camelot?

Kermit:
Of course. That's the show's grand finale.

Scooter:
Well, the people that published the music from Camelot just called and they won't let you do it.

Kermit:
What? I was willing to give them credit! I would've given them a big build up! I would have given anything to do the jousting scene!

Scooter:
They want money.

Kermit:
Cancel the jousting scene.

Scooter:
Gee whiz, chief. I thought you said we had 14.95 in the cash box

Kermit:
Yeah, well I spent 13.50 on the suits of armor.

Floyd:
I mean, why cast me? This knight business is an actor's gig. I am a musician, remember?

Kermit:
Well, Floyd, I wanted you to play the knight because you fit the part, you see. You're the only one of us with real gallantry. The only one of us with real honor.

Scooter:
The only one of us who'd fit in that iron suit.

Kermit:
Scooter, I needed that like I need a broken leg!

Floyd:
Okay, you need a broken leg, I'll fall on you again.

Kermit:
Now listen. This is a great chance for you. Besides, in the same jousting scene, you get to fight the Black Knight.

Floyd:
Who is the Black Knight?

Kermit:
Well, that's part of the fun. You see, no one will know. It's kept a complete and absolute mystery. [the Black Knight enters, sporting a distinctive hook-nosed helmet]

The Great Gonzo:
The world will forever wonder who I am!

Kermit:
Though some may harbor suspicions.

Statler:
[as they sit with an avocado] I didn't like it.

Waldorf:
What did the avocado think?

Avocado:
It's the pits. [they all laugh]

The Newsman:
Here is a Muppet News Flash. An explosion has just taken place at the Smithfield Hat Factory. Reports say that hats are falling all over the... [suddenly, a bunch of hats all fall down on the Newsman, followed by a helmet that lands on his head]

[Sellers is standing in his dressing room, alone, wearing pantaloons, a corset, boxing gloves, and a viking helmet with horns and braids]

Peter Sellers:
And now, We are ready to receive him...

[Kermit enters]

Kermit:
Uh, what is this?

Peter Sellers:
It was to have been, my dear Kermit, it was to have been a glorious impersonation of her late majesty Queen Victoria.

Kermit:
Well, what went wrong?

Peter Sellers:
I couldn't remember what she looked like.

[Peter Sellers is dressed up as a gypsy]

Peter Sellers:
It is I, Boris with the sobbing violin. Are there any requests?

Other Gypsy:
Yes - but you're gonna play anyway!

Peter Sellers:
There is no me. I do not exist. There was a me once, but I had it surgically removed.

Kermit:
[suddenly runs in] Aha! So THAT'S what's been going on around here all night! You've been zapping people in and out of my theatre ...

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew:
Mr. Kermit, please, I'm in the middle of a scientific demonstration...

Kermit:
Yeah, well, I'm in the middle of a nervous breakdown!

Fozzie Bear:
Kermit! Kermit! Oh no, the next act just cancelled!

Kermit:
What? But that was a terrific act! Prunella and her Prancing Poultry.

Kermit:
Yeah, I know, yeah, Kermit, about that poultry, you see, yesterday... [removes his hat]... duck-hunting season began

Statler:
Well, what did you think? [Waldorf vanishes] Yeah, I know what you... [Statler vanishes, too]

Waldorf:
Well, they did improve the level of television entertainment.

Statler:
Well, they had no place to go but up.

The Newsman:
Copenhagen, Denmark. Dr. Felix Ogelbaum says that after thirty years' concentrated research, he has discovered the cure for the common cold. Our Muppet cameras are on the scene, and we'll speak with Dr. Ogelbaum about this great medical breakthrough.

[a screen turns on, displaying Peter Ustinov as Dr. Ogelbaum]

The Newsman:
Dr. Ogelbaum?

Dr. Felix Ogelbaum:
Yeah? Yeah, I am Felix Ogelbaum in Copenhagen, Denmark.

The Newsman:
Yes, Dr. Ogelbaum, can you tell us about this cure?

Dr. Felix Ogelbaum:
Yeah, of course. It was right under our noses. Do you believe that? I am so excited. First, you stay away from sick people. That's very important. Then you wrap your head in a number-ten-size brown paper bag. Then you pour honey over yourself, and you hold your breath for about an hour or so.

The Newsman:
And this will cure the common cold?

Dr. Felix Ogelbaum:
Positively.

[suddenly sneezes]

Dr. Felix Ogelbaum:
And then again, maybe not...

The Newsman:
Yes, well, thank you very much, Dr. Ogelbaum. Remember, friends, whenever big news breaks, you certainly won't hear it here.

Fozzie Bear:
Hey, the little things in life drive me crazy, like, what do you send to a sick florist?

Fozzie Bear:
[to Kermit about Ustinov] I was wrong. How can you compare yourself to... HIM?

Kermit the Frog:
Easy, he puts on his pants just like me... one leg at a time.

Fozzie Bear:
You don't wear any pants!

Kermit the Frog:
Okay, let's see HIM get away with that on television!

Statler:
All right, frog, we watched the show!

Waldorf:
Yeah! Unlock the doors!

Waldorf:
I loved it. [Statler pulls on a rope, which opens a trap door under Waldorf, who falls through]

Waldorf:
[as he falls] Oh, I hated it!

Waldorf:
[singing] You are my sunshine, my only sunshine...

Statler:
Why, you old fool!

Waldorf:
What?

Statler:
I'm not your son and my name's not Shine!

Waldorf:
And he calls me an old fool.

Kermit the Frog:
For tonight, we are honored to present the one and only Miss Raquel Welch.

Miss Piggy:
[clears her throat] Pity we can't book an *important* guest star once in a while.

Kermit the Frog:
W-What are you saying, Piggy? Tonight, we have an internationally acclaimed actress, singer, dancer, and one of the sexiest ladies alive!

Miss Piggy:
You get that every night, Frog!

Kermit:
[during Talk spot] Well, Rita, what we have now is what we call our 'Talk Spot', where the guest star sits and talks casually with the frog.

Rita Moreno:
Yeah, yeah, I know, Kermit. But can I say something? Haven't you noticed that on all these variety shows, the guess stars always come off so phony? I mean, you KNOW that they're rehearsed. You KNOW that they are reading cue cards.

Kermit:
But, Rita, on our show...

[looks past the camera as if reading que cards]

Kermit:
But, Rita... wait a minute... But, but Rita on our show WE do not use any cue cards, Rita... On our show... we do not...

Rita Moreno:
KERMIT!

The Newsman:
Dateline: Fresno. Mr. Thomas Gally... or Galley... spent the last 27 months teaching his pet chicken to dance classical ballet. Last Saturday, the chicken passed her auditions and became a member of the Royal Copenhagen Ballet. Unfortunately, Mrs. Galley didn't wish to move to Denmark, so she fricasseed the ballerina for lunch.

[Waldorf and Statler are under their chairs; they resurface]

Waldorf:
I still couldn't find the chewing gum.

[Animal continually disrupts Moreno's rendition of "Fever" with his bursts of percussion, causing her to smash his head between two cymbals]

Animal:
Ah... yeah... my kinda woman!

The Newsman:
Here's a Muppet News Flash. There is no news tonight.

Statler:
I wonder what the Swedish Chef has up his sleeve today.

Waldorf:
A summons from the Board of Health, I wager.

Fozzie Bear:
My cousin is so dumb, he spent two weeks in London trying to find the European Common Market.

Kermit:
Gonzo, I've got to go on stage. Don't say anything about this

The Great Gonzo:
Gee, that won't be easy.

Kermit:
Yeah, well it could disrupt the show. Just act normal.

The Great Gonzo:
That won't be easy either.

Roger Moore:
Kermit, is it always like this on the show?

Kermit:
Like what, Roger?

Roger Moore:
Well, all this craziness.

Kermit:
Oh, well, actually this has been a rather quiet show for us. No unforeseen disasters so far.

[He is run over by the Vet's Hospital cast]

Roger Moore:
No unforeseen disasters?

Kermit:
Uh, that was a disaster we knew about all along.

[Roger Moore has just sung "If I Could Talk To The Animals"]

Statler:
Well I guess I'll go talk to the animals.

Waldorf:
What animals?

Statler:
The wife and kids.

Rowlf the Dog:
[as Dr. Bob treating a Viking pig] I know all about them - they come from Denmark. One of my ancestors was a Viking!

Miss Piggy:
Oh, this isn't going to be a Great Dane joke, is it?

Rowlf the Dog:
Well, it's a Dane joke, but I wouldn't call it great.

The Newsman:
Here is a Muppet News Flash. An international spy ring is trying to sneak ridiculous stories into the news. Fortunately, with the tight security in the Muppet Newsroom, it can't happen here. [picks up another paper] In other news, a black-and-yellow-striped mackerel was elected king this morning and... [stops and looks perplexed; Bruno runs up] Huh?

Bruno:
Yes?

The Newsman:
Where have you been?

Bruno:
Oh, I've been showing His Majesty around the newsroom. [a mackerel walks up, dressed in royalty; the Newsman sees him]

The Newsman:
Holy mackerel!

Mackerel:
No, Your Highness will do. Would you like to be knighted?

The Newsman:
Oh, well, of course.

Mackerel:
Okay. Good night! [the mackerel hits the Newsman on the head, knocking him out]

Kermit:
If anything goes wrong here, Fozzie...

[shouts]

Kermit:
You are fired!

[exits]

Fozzie:
[to himself] Fi-fi-fired? My nerves are shot! Still, what could go wrong? I mean... the stage is set, the star has arrived, the audience is happy...

Scooter:
The theater's on fire.

Fozzie:
...the theater's on fire...

[beat]

Fozzie:
[shouts] The theater's on fire?

Fozzie:
Hey, Kermit, Kermit! This bunch of cows loves me. I'm a hit!

Kermit:
Not bunch, herd.

Fozzie:
Heard of what?

Kermit:
Herd of cows.

Fozzie:
Sure I heard of cows! Aah!

Kermit:
No, I mean the cow's herd.

Fozzie:
Of course they heard. I was talking right to them.

Cow:
Moo!

Statler:
No, "boo".

Cow:
Boo!

Statler:
You know, the older I get, the more I appreciate good music.

Waldorf:
Yeah? What's that got to do with what we just heard?

Statler:
Nothing, just thought I'd mention it.

Statler:
You know, there's nothing like grand opera.

Waldorf:
Yep, and that was nothing like it.

Sam the American Eagle:
Oh, to have the brilliant, talented Rudolf Nureyev on our show! He's my favorite opera singer.

Dr. Teeth:
Hey. What's this bummer called again?

Floyd:
Minuet in G Major.

Dr. Teeth:
Huh. They ought to send it back to the minors.

Sam the American Eagle:
Now, remember. When Mr. Nureyev arrives, we must be dignified, we must be respectful.

Rudolf Nureyev:
[wearing street clothes] Hey, you guys. Here I am.

Sam the American Eagle:
Not for long, you are not! We are waiting for Mr. Nureyev.

Kermit:
Hey...

Sam the American Eagle:
I'll handle this. [pushes Rudolf out the door] Get out of here, you freak! You hippie! You weirdo! Get out! Move, move! Get a hair cut! Who do these punk kids think they are?

Kermit:
That one thinks he's Rudolf Nureyev.

Sam the American Eagle:
What?

Kermit:
I-In fact, that was Rudolf Nureyev.

Statler:
That really offended me. I'm a student of Shakespeare.

Waldorf:
Ha! You were a student *with* Shakespeare.

Rudolf Nureyev:
Think of it. Last week I've been dancing with Natalia Makarova. Today, I'm in a steam room with a lady pig.

Miss Piggy:
Oh, yes, and isn't it heaven?

Rudolf Nureyev:
I don't think heaven is this warm. It's more like the other place.

Kermit:
Thank you, thank you, thank you! Hi there and welcome to The Muppet Show!

Sam the American Eagle:
You call THAT dignity?

Kermit:
Uh, I'm sorry, Sam. Uh, ladies and gentlemen, it is indeed an honor to welcome you to The Muppet Show.

Miss Piggy:
Look at the time!

Rowlf the Dog:
[as Dr. Bob] Hey! The timing of the shrew!

Miss Piggy:
Are you calling me a shrew?

Rowlf the Dog:
If the shrew fits!

Statler:
Now wasn't that a cultural show? [sees Waldorf asleep]

Statler:
Boy, he's really good, that Rudolf Nureyay... Nurayeye... You know, I should really learn to pronounce his name.

Waldorf:
Don't bother now. After this show, he'll probably change it! [both laugh]

The Newsman:
Muppet News Flash! The Atlantic Ocean has just been kidnapped. Disappearance of the ocean has been reported by lighthouse keeper Murray Patterson. He was awakened late last night when 500 fish pounded on his door asking for water. Authorities suspect that the ocean is being held prisoner in an apartment somewhere in Newark. The ransom note has reportedly been received. The kidnappers are demanding two Christmases each year and a hug from mommy every night.

Statler:
Did you like the show?

Waldorf:
[robotic voice] No, I didn't... No, I didn't...

Fozzie Bear:
A lot of these folks want to see me!

Statler:
Well, so do we.

Fozzie Bear:
You want to see me perform?

Waldorf:
No, retire!

Fozzie Bear:
I finally found a sure way to lose weight. I bought a scale that lies!

Statler:
Well, how did you like the show?

Waldorf:
Maybe I'm getting soft, but I loved it. [holds up a banana] Have a banana.

Fozzie Bear:
Hey, we were so poor, I was born at home. After my mother saw me, she went to the hospital.

[Fozzie asked Kermit for five dollars to pay his writer, Gags Beazley]

Kermit the Frog:
You pay him by the line?

Fozzie Bear:
No, I pay him by the laugh.

Kermit the Frog:
Oh, then he owes YOU money.

[first lines]

Scooter:
Shield's and Yarnell. Fifteen seconds to curtain, Shields and Yarnell. Kermit's finally booked guest stars weirder than we are.

Waldorf:
Just when you think the show is terrible, something wonderful happens.

Statler:
What?

Waldorf:
It ends.

The Great Gonzo:
And now... classical music meets seafood!

Statler:
I bought gold back when it was cheap.

Waldorf:
Really? Where is it now?

Statler:
Ah! [opens his mouth; Waldorf looks inside and laughs]

The Newsman:
Good evening, and welcome to Muppet News International.

Spike Milligan:
Yes, you're welcome to it.

The Newsman:
Simultanious translation, bringing you news and views across the language barrier.

Spike Milligan:
[pantomimes previous statement in "sign language" - the newsreader looks at him] Hello.

The Newsman:
[to Spike] Are you going to tell them what I just said?

Spike Milligan:
[conspiratorial] No, your secret is safe with me.

Statler:
Well, that was different.

Waldorf:
Yeah, lousy.

Statler, Waldorf:
But different.

Miss Piggy:
We must've used every dumb Hawaiian joke in the book.

Hawaiin Pig:
Hey, Hawaiians aren't dumb. You'll be hearing from my people back on Noman!

Kermit the Frog:
Noman?

Hawaiin Pig:
Noman is an island.

Kermit the Frog:
Welcome to "The Muppet Show" where anything can happen! Unfortunately.

Statler:
[responding to the Muppets performing "Cotton Fields"] I can remember when cotton was king.

Waldorf:
You can remember when Arthur was king.

[after performing a frantic version of "Wild Thing" with his drum set, Animal gets dragged offstage with nets]

Waldorf:
I wonder where they took him?

Statler:
Well, wherever it is, I'll bet it's more fun than here.

Statler:
[about the Muppet Labs segment] That was great, fantastic!

Waldorf:
Meh, didn't like it.

Statler:
Oh, what would you know, you old fool?

Waldorf:
Don't call me an old fool, or I'll give you the evil eye!

Statler:
[sarcastically] Oh, I'm scared! I'm scared! [Waldorf stares at him with one eye bulging out, shocking him into submission]

Waldorf:
[to the viewers] I warned him!

[Luke Skywalker and C-3PO, from the movie Star Wars, are making a guest appearance on the show "Pigs in Space"]

Luke Skywalker:
[pointing at Miss Piggy, who's dressed like Princess Leia] Look, it's the Princess!

C-3PO:
She doesn't look like the Princess to me.

Miss Piggy:
[sternly, to C-3PO] Watch it, hardware!

Miss Piggy:
[pulling Luke down, dressed as Princess Leia] Look, Skywalker, play along or I'll cut you in half...

Luke Skywalker:
Look! It's the princess!

C-3PO:
She doesn't look like a princess.

Miss Piggy:
Watch it, hardware...

[Luke Skywalker, C-3PO, and R2-D2 have crashed through a guest's dressing-room wall]

C-3PO:
Excuse me, Master Luke, but where are we?

Mark Hamill:
[as Luke Skywalker] Beats me, '3PO. We appear to have landed on some sort of comedy-variety show planet...

Luke Skywalker, C-3PO:
[with Piggy, Link, and Strangepork] Oh, no, Derth Nader! [looks at camera] Who?

Gonzo:
The world will never know!

Capt. Link Hogthrob:
[to Luke] Who's your tailor? I love that outfit!

Gonzo:
[to Luke] Who's your tailor? I love that outfit!

Mark Hamill:
[to Luke] Who's your tailor? I love that outfit!

The Newsman:
Here's a bulletin from the Muppet Newsroom. The spaceship Swine Trek is about to make a soft landing on a distant planet. In other planetary news, Venus is about to make a hard landing on the Muppet Newsroom. That doesn't make sense. [suddenly, the Venus de Milo falls down on top of the Newsman's desk]

Waldorf:
Do you think there's life in outer space?

Statler:
There's certainly none in this theater. [they both laugh]

Statler:
I once knew a whole chorus line that was turned to stone.

Waldorf:
What chorus line was that?

Statler:
The Rockettes. [they both laugh]

The Newsman:
Here's a Muppet News Flash. Orchestra leader Zuben Beckmesser was nearly electrocuted at the Metropolitan Opera today when he absentmindedly inserted his baton into an electrical outlet.

[an orchestra conductor walks up, holding a baton, his hair messed up and his body shaking; the Newsman sees him]

The Newsman:
Uh, Mr. Beckmesser, I understand, according to doctors, you would've died instantly had you not been such a poor conductor.

[the Newsman laughs at his own joke; the conductor jams his baton in the Newsman's nose]

The Newsman:
I'm sorry! I take it back!

[the conductor nods and removes his baton]

[Tony Randall has found a spell that turns statues into pigs]

Tony Randall:
Pigskin. [Miss Piggy is transformed back to normal]

Miss Piggy:
Who you calling "pigskin", fish-face?

Statler:
Every week this show looks better to me.

Waldorf:
Every week your eyesight gets worse.

Uncle Deadly:
[holding Kermit by the throat and shaking him] I swore I would never perform here again, nor would anyone else. I will drive you all from this theatre. LEAVE OR BE DOOOOOOOOOMED!

Uncle Deadly:
[lets go then looks around and asks Kermit in a natural voice] Which way do I exit?

Kermit the Frog:
Uh, look Scooter, we're kind of busy right now but we'll keep our eyes open. I mean, seriously, I think you've been using your imagination too much. If there's a Phantom of the Muppet Show, I'm a monkey's uncle.

Wanda:
[screaming] Help, there's a phantom in the dressing room!

[faints]

Kermit the Frog:
Anybody got a banana?

Uncle Deadly:
You muppets have taken over my theatre. My home. Years ago, I was a great actor, a star. In this very theatre. My Hamlet was acclaimed as the greatest ever. And then I played my most difficult role, Othello. But on opening night, I was killed!

Kermit the Frog:
[terrified] I'm very sorry to hear that. Who killed you?

Uncle Deadly:
The critics.

Kermit the Frog:
Now, there is no such thing as a phantom. That's final, period, end of report!

Fozzie Bear:
Uh, Kermit? What has a skull like head, fiery green eyes, and a torn cape?

Kermit the Frog:
I don't know.

Fozzie Bear:
I don't know either but it's right behind you!

[Fozzie, Scooter, Gonzo, and Hilda run away screaming]

Kermit the Frog:
Uh, you will notice that I did not fall for their joke. And if it isn't a joke and if there is someone or something behind me, there is no doubt a logical explan for it. So I shall now just turn slowly around and see what is going on here.

Kermit the Frog:
[unnerved, but remains calm when he sees Uncle Deadly behind him] Uh, pardon me, sir. But is there a logical explanation for your presence here?

Kermit the Frog:
[Uncle Deadly's response is an evil, maniacal laugh] Apparently, there is no logical explanation.

Kermit the Frog:
[runs away screaming]

Kermit the Frog:
[after the Feather Duster and the feather boas performed] Ok, very nice. Very nice, you guys have come a long way since you were feather dusters.

Feather Duster:
[high pitched disco diva type voice] Thank you. I enjoyed it ever so much, really I did!

The Newsman:
Here's a Muppet News Flash. Dateline: London. Mrs. Lola Thomas of that city has just finished eating an entire diesel tractor.

[a screen turns on, revealing Twiggy as Lola Thomas]

The Newsman:
Tell me, Mrs. Thomas, why did you do such a thing?

Lola Thomas:
Well, the doctor told me I had an iron deficiency, you see, so I started on a couple of doorknobs and the occasional typewriter. But there's nothing really quite like a good bit of diesel tractor where you chip and pave, is there?

The Newsman:
What an extraordinary feat. I mean, how was it done?

Lola Thomas:
Oh, medium rare or thereabouts.

The Newsman:
Is this lady making a fool of me?

[on the screen, Twiggy bites into a microphone and savors it]

Fozzie Bear:
Hey, I went to a resort hotel for a change and a rest. The waiter got the change and the hotel got the rest!

Statler:
That number scared the pants off of me.

Waldorf:
Are you sure you didn't just forget to put them on again?

Vincent Price:
Good evening. Excuse me, do you have a room for the night? You see, the road has washed out and my horse had a flat tire.

Fozzie:
[stammering nervously] Well, maybe, I, uh...

Vincent Price:
I must tell you I am not alone. I am traveling with my beautiful assistant and a hideously deformed monster.

[Uncle Deadly enters]

Fozzie:
Ugh! Hideously deformed is right!

Uncle Deadly:
Watch it! I'm the beautiful assistant.

Uncle Deadly:
Every night at the stroke of midnight, the master turns into a screaming, maniacal, demonic, raging, blood-lusting animal!

Vincent Price:
And then I get MEAN!

Kermit the Frog:
Hey, I always wanted to ask you - in all your old movies you turn into a vampire; how do you do that? [Vicent opens his mouth to reveal a pair of fangs; the audience of Muppet monsters cheer] Wow. How do you do that?

Vincent Price:
Well, if you will forgive my modesty, Kermit, that is the talent of the actor's. You see, it requires immense capability, years of emotional training, and vast physical concentration. Understand?

Kermit the Frog:
[with a mouth sporting vampire's fangs] Oh, sure. [chuckles]

Vincent Price:
Oh, well, some people learn faster than others. [Kermit bites his neck] AHHHHH!

The Newsman:
Here's a Muppet News Flash. Our newsroom has been flooded with calls today reporting that furniture all over town has been turning into monsters. Seven people have allegedly been attacked by a wandering pack of sofas at the east edge of town. A dining room table set for eight reportedly ate the eight it was set for.

[the camera pulls back to reveal the show being watched by a man at home]

The Newsman:
When contacted for comment, Sheriff David Goelz assured Muppet News Central that the rumor was false. According to Goelz, there is no way for a piece of furniture to turn into a monster.

[suddenly, the cushion the man is sitting on comes to life and tries to attack him]

The Newsman:
Scientists throughout the city confirmed that such an occurrence would be impossible.

[the man tries vainly to beat the cushion with a newspaper]

The Newsman:
Science tells all that inanimate objects cannot turn into monsters.

[suddenly, the man's cabinet comes to life, growing angry eyes and teeth and comes at him, growling]

The Newsman:
Still, these groundless rumors persist.

[the furniture monsters chase the man out of the room]

The Newsman:
The mass hysteria could be due to what psychologists are calling furniphobia, a dread fear of the rising price of home furnishings. The phenomenon does seem to relate to the cost of living increase during the past month.

[the man returns to the room, with the furniture monsters gone]

The Newsman:
But people are advised to relax, secure in the knowledge that their furniture will not turn into a monster. And that's all tonight from Muppet News. Good night.

[suddenly, static appears on the TV screen as it goes blank and the TV grows eyes and teeth and eats the man; cut to the Muppet news studio]

The Newsman:
That last item about furniture is ridiculous.

[suddenly, the news desk comes to life and eats the Newsman]

Kermit the Frog:
Be prepared for the strange, the weird and the scary, because our guest star is none other than the crown prince of terror, Mr. Vincent Price. So tonight there will be no craziness, no slapstick and no silliness. [Fozzie hits him in the face with a pie]

Statler:
By the way, I thought your wife was coming tonight.

Waldorf:
Oh, the old bat couldn't come. [suddenly, a whole slew of bats surround the balcony]

Statler:
The rest of 'em sure made it!

Fozzie:
Hey, I once met a vampire who was so rich he lived in a split-level coffin!

Sam the Eagle:
Excuse me, Mr. Mostel.

Zero Mostel:
Yes?

Sam the Eagle:
I am Sam the Eagle.

Zero Mostel:
I am glad to know you.

Sam the Eagle:
Yes, glad to know you. I am the upholder of decency and dignity for this show.

Zero Mostel:
Are you really?

Sam the Eagle:
Yes. [behind Sam, Zero mocks him, though Sam doesn't know it] I believe this program is trivial and not fit for family viewing. [looks behind him and sees Zero not mocking him anymore] It is disgracefully lacking in culture.

Zero Mostel:
[mockingly] It is disgracefully lacking in culture.

Sam the Eagle:
Hmm, I'm glad you agree with me. Yes. [Zero takes a hammer and raises it over Sam's head] I personally have always felt that this program... [looks at Zero again, who drops hammer behind]... must... must, I say, be cleansed of all nonsense... [Zero now takes a gun and aims it at Sam]... and silliness! [looks at Zero once more, who puts gun in his own mouth] Don't you agree with me, sir?

Zero Mostel:
[taking a glass of water and pouring it out] Of course! It must be cleansed!

Sam the Eagle:
Now, it seems to me that you and I... [behind Sam, Zero continues to mock him]... think alike. [looks at Zero again, who stops mocking him] True?

Zero Mostel:
True.

Sam the Eagle:
A pleasure talking to you, sir. A man of dignity. [walks off]

Zero Mostel:
[mockingly] Dignity! Always dignity! Dignity, dignity! [mimics squawking like an eagle]

Waldorf:
You know, I'm really going to enjoy tonight!

Statler:
You plan to like this show?

Waldorf:
[pulling out a television set] No, I plan to watch television!

Kermit the Frog:
It's time for our special guest to do something special.

Waldorf:
[as he and Statler watch something on a TV in their balcony seats] What's the name of this movie?

Statler:
"Beach Blanket Frankenstein".

Waldorf:
Awful.

Statler:
Terrible film!

Waldorf:
Yeah, well, we could watch "The Muppet Show" instead. [they peek up over the TV and look out at the stage, then return to the TV, shaking their heads]

Statler:
Wonderful.

Waldorf:
Terrific film!

Statler:
[as he and Waldorf watch the TV] Let's switch channels, this show is dull.

Waldorf:
You bet. [they do so]

Statler:
What is THAT?

Waldorf:
It looks like two ancient old guys sitting in a theater box watching television.

Statler:
That's crazy! No one would watch junk like that!

Statler:
[as he and Waldorf continue to watch TV] Well, what do you think of television? [Waldorf reaches out to change the channel, only to get zapped as static is heard on the TV] Shocking, isn't it?