Two and a Half Men

[repeated line]

Charlie:
That ship has sailed.

[repeated line]

Charlie:
She/He's not coming back.

[repeated line]

Berta:
[whenever she sees a big mess being made] I ain't cleaning that up!

[repeated line]

Chelsea:
[whenever Charlie says something offensive that drives her away] Drop dead!

Charlie:
[repeated line, whenever he's put in a sticky situation] Uuuuuoo.

[repeated line]

Melissa:
Yeppers!

[repeated line]

Judith Harper:
JAAAKE! YOUR FATHER IS HERE!

[repeated line]

Mia:
[whenever Charlie says something outrageous] Are you out of your freaking mind?

Alan Harper:
[repeated line, whenever he's stressed out] I-I-I-I-I...

Charlie:
[repeated line, when he senses trouble] Oh boy.

Alan Harper:
[they are just about to sleep] You want to watch porn first?

Charlie:
No!

Alan Harper:
Why not?

Charlie:
I'm drunk, in bed, in a hotel room with my brother and you want to know why I don't wanna watch porn?

Alan Harper:
[when his receptionist keeps staring at him] Have I told you lately you are doing a great job? Because you are doing a great job! In fact, I'm gonna make you employee of the month!

[repeated line]

Various characters:
Rat bastard!

[repeated line]

Russell:
What are you, a cop?

Alan Harper:
Who is Alan Harper?

Charlie:
That's easy. Alan Harper is an idiot.

Charlie:
[on Jake] How can I be blackmailed by Forrest Gump?

[repeated line]

Charlie:
Get out.

[repeated line]

Charlie:
What the hell are you doing?

Alan Harper:
Okay, name 3 things you would change about me.

Charlie:
Your personality, your wardrobe and your address.

Alan Harper:
You're writing a report on The Taming Of The Shrew, not The Voyages Of Cap'n Crunch!

Jake Harper:
Too bad. I could write the crap out of that.

Alan Harper:
Okay... I'm not fooling around here...! You're gonna finish this DAMN BOOK and write the DAMN REPORT, and you're gonna hand it in on Monday, spell-checked, formatted AND ON FREAKIN' TIME!

Jake Harper:
I have my doubts, dad.

Alan Harper:
A movie would be fine.

Charlie:
All right. A movie it is. What's out that's good?

Jake Harper:
There's a new pirate movie. It's rated "Arrrr"! [Alan and Charlie doesn't laugh and just stare at him]

Alan Harper:
[Alan is moving out, and Charlie has labeled a box "Porn And Blow-Up Doll"] You couldn't spell "Miscellaneous"?

Charlie:
[checking through his contact list] Hookers, hookers, hookers...

Various characters:
[repeated line, from women Charlie manages to piss off] You son of a b*tch!

Charlie:
[to Jake] It's not that I don't care what you want. It's just that you're a kid. What you want doesn't matter. [Jake looks at him with disdain] Wow, I *do* suck.

[first lines]

Alan Harper:
[at Jake's school] I don't know what he did, Charlie, the teacher just called, and told me to come get him.

Charlie Harper:
Well I want it on the record, if the kid was running a blackjack game under the bleechers, he didn't necessarily get the idea from me.

Charlie Harper:
[Alan burns Charlie a 'look'] What! I said he didn't!

Judith Harper:
[to Alan] Your son gave his teacher the "bird".

Charlie Harper:
Okay, I want it on the record he didn't necessarily...

Jake Harper:
[just caught his teacher in the kitchen half dressed with Uncle Charlie] Oh, this is more wrong than the time I saw Santa peeing at the Mall.

Jake Harper:
She was totally hitting on you.

Walden Schmidt:
Really?

Jake Harper:
Yeah, you should ask her out.

Walden Schmidt:
Okay. [screaming] Hey, Zoe, do you wanna go on a date with me?

Zoe:
[off screen] Sure!

Walden Schmidt:
See? There's something else I wouldn't know to put on the list!

Alan Harper:
You gave him a hundred dollars?

Walden Schmidt:
Oh, hey, Alan. Yeah, he washed my car.

Alan Harper:
Wha... what... A hundred bucks to wash a car?

Walden Schmidt:
Not enough?

Alan Harper:
For a hundred dollars, I'd lick your car clean!

Walden Schmidt:
Hey, I'm going on a date with that girl I met at the supermarket. Do I look okay?

Alan Harper:
No, I look okay. You look like the guy women fantasize about when I'm on top of them!

Walden Schmidt:
Oh, you used the frequent flyer miles? Where are you?

Jake Harper:
I have no idea!

Alan Harper:
[about Walden drinking] Is this about your ex-wife?

Walden Schmidt:
No.

Alan Harper:
Walden.

Walden Schmidt:
Maybe.

Alan Harper:
Walden.

Walden Schmidt:
Yes.

Alan Harper:
We need to get your mind on something else. Let's watch some TV.

Walden Schmidt:
Bridget and I used to watch TV.

Alan Harper:
That's the spirit.

Alan Harper:
I'm guessing it was Berta's recipe.

Walden Schmidt:
It was! But I did the baking, 'cause I am a masterbaker now!

Walden Schmidt:
Man, it is hard when the person you love, doesn't love you back.

Berta:
You don't have to love me.

Walden Schmidt:
What?

Berta:
Oh, you heard me, Mr. Masterbaker.

Alan Harper:
Oh Come on! This can't be the first woman who had nervous breakdown, lost her job and wound up taking her clothes off for horny strangers because of you?

Charlie Harper:
Of course not!

Alan Harper:
The story of my life. No boner goes unpunished.

Charlie Harper:
[Charlie, Alan and Jake visit the sporting goods store to get Jake a jock strap, which he doesn't want] Think of it as a bra for your balls.

Jake Harper:
[sarcastically] Oh, *now* I want one.

Alan Harper:
What size are you?

Jake Harper:
How should I know?

Charlie Harper:
I think they have one of those measuring things, you know, like at the shoe store - length, width...

Jake Harper:
[to his Dad, somewhat desperately] He's kidding, right?

Alan Harper:
Yes, he's joking... Here, "Teen".

Charlie Harper:
Think you can fit your junk into that?

Jake Harper:
I'll make it fit, let's just go.

Charlie Harper:
No, no, no, put it on over your pants. We'll take a look.

Jake Harper:
The heck you will!

Alan Harper:
Charlie, you're embarrassing him.

Charlie Harper:
Of course I am. That's why I came.

Charlie Harper:
[Charlie sees Jake's former 5th grade teacher, one of his brief "relationships", in the sporting goods store; she leaves abruptly] She was kinda shook up after I broke it off with her.

Jake Harper:
Kinda shook up? She went bananas and bit the gym teacher!

Charlie Harper:
Where?

Jake Harper:
In the gym!

Jake Harper:
[Charlie hires Jake's former 5th grade teacher away from her new lap-dance job to be Jake's tutor; she is wearing a revealing, low-cut outfit with leather boots; Jake doesn't seem to notice] I'm sorry, but I'm still confused.

Dolores Pasternak:
Oh, boy. OK. Ummm, let's look at it this way. How 'bout if you make 40 dollars a dance. If you want to find out how much you can earn per hour, you have to solve for xd times 40; x being the number of dances you can do in an hour.

Jake Harper:
What about tips?

Dolores Pasternak:
That's a variable.

Jake Harper:
Oh, I get it. So the money you kick back to the house is...

Both, together:
The constant.

Dolores Pasternak:
Good for you. That's a good start.

Jake Harper:
Yeah, it was. You make learning fun. [she laughs gently, he gets up to leave]

Dolores Pasternak:
Where are you going?

Jake Harper:
Take a shower.

Alan Harper:
[after ignoring their Mother's phone call] I, I - I wish there were a better way to deal with Mom.

Charlie Harper:
There is, but we're both too pretty for jail.

Berta:
Relatives, huh. Can't live with them; can't turn them in for the reward.

Evelyn Harper:
Why does anyone want a party? To feel superior while feigning humility!

Evelyn Harper:
Believe it or not, Alan, your mother is a very sensitive woman and I can feel when people around me know that I hate them.

Charlie Harper:
Daisy? Can I talk to you for a minute?

Daisy Ray:
Daisy is no longer inhabiting this earthly vessel.

Charlie Harper:
Excuse me?

Daisy Ray:
I am Oxyquatzal, warrior priestess of the Aztec people.

Alan Harper:
A bribable child is a controllable child.

Charlie Harper:
Hey. After the kid goes back to his mother's, do you wanna go out and grab some dinner?

Alan Harper:
I can't go out to dinner, Charlie.

Charlie Harper:
Why not? You got a date - he said, knowing the answer, but asked him anyway just to be polite.

Alan Harper:
No, I don't have a date - he replied, all the while thinking: "Bite me, you booze-addled buffoon".

Alan Harper:
I don't have money for luxuries like eating out, or eating in, really. I'm trying to learn to chew my own cud.

Charlie Harper:
It's all right. I'll treat.

Alan Harper:
No, no, no. You've done too much for me already.

Charlie Harper:
Yeah, but it's not like I'm keeping a tab - $26,382... to date.

Charlie Harper:
[Trying to seduce Alan like he would a lady, so Alan would agree to have dinner] So where do you wanna go, baby?

Alan Harper:
That's, er, that's very funny.

Charlie Harper:
No, no, no. Let's get something hot in you and then get something "hot" in you.

Alan Harper:
Knock it off!

Charlie Harper:
Gee, you smell good!

Alan Harper:
You know what? OK, OK, I'll just stay here and have a popsicle.

Charlie Harper:
Oh, you'll be getting the popsicle!

Alan Harper:
Fine, fine! You pick the restaurant.

Judith Harper:
Hey honey. Would you, er, wait in the car, please?

Jake Harper:
Who's in trouble - me or dad?

Judith Harper:
No one's in trouble.

Jake Harper:
[to Alan] It's you.

Alan Harper:
Judith, if you're gonna chew my ass off, just know I'm planning on having it for breakfast tomorrow.

[Alan finds out Judith is getting married, meaning he won't have to pay any alimony]

Charlie Harper:
Five, six, seven, eight...

Alan Harper:
[sings] No more alimony! No more alimony! No more alimony!

Alan Harper:
Do you know the problem with sushi?

Charlie Harper:
Besides eating it with you?

Alan Harper:
It's all fleshy and flappy and wet. Feels unnatural against my tongue.

Charlie Harper:
Hey, Al?

Alan Harper:
What?

Charlie Harper:
I think I know why your marriages didn't work out.

Charlie Harper:
So what? You waltz in and make yourself at home whenever I'm out?

Rose:
That's not true. Sometimes you're upstairs asleep.

Alan Harper:
[after learning Jake has run away from his mother's] Is this about the upcoming nuptials?

Jake Harper:
It's nothing to do with puberty, dad. It's about mom getting married.

Alan Harper:
I thought you liked Dr Melnick.

Jake Harper:
That was when they were just dating. Now he thinks he can tell me what to do. He's not my father.

Alan Harper:
You dont do what I tell you to do!

Jake Harper:
Yeah, but mom doesn't care about that.

Charlie Harper:
How do you keep getting in? I've changed the locks three times!

Rose:
Yes, but you didn't change the locksmith.

Charlie Harper:
So what's your plan? Where are you headed?

Jake Harper:
I'm gonna stay here.

Charlie Harper:
Oh, you can't stay here.

Jake Harper:
Why not?

Charlie Harper:
Because your'e running away. "Away", according to the dictionary, means "not here". It's usually preceded by the words "Far far", or in your case "Go".

Jake Harper:
Oh, come on. Why can't I live with you guys?

Charlie Harper:
Oh, Jake. Do you have any idea how much I have to clean up my act when you're here on weekends?

Jake Harper:
What are you talking about? I see you drink, gamble, you have strange girls sleep over.

Charlie Harper:
Uh-huh. Drop in unannounced on a Wednesday and you'll be scarred for life.

Charlie Harper:
Don't be mean to your mother!

Jake Harper:
You're mean to your mother!

Charlie Harper:
My mother can take it!

Jake Harper:
[about Judith] She can be happy all she wants. I just don't need some jerk pretending he's my dad.

Alan Harper:
Oh, why not?

Jake Harper:
'Cause I already have a dad.

Charlie Harper:
...and he's already a jerk.

Alan Harper:
[to Jake] All right, buddy. I'm gonna have to tell you something pretty heavy. But I think it's something you're old enough to understand. [pause] You can do better than me.

Charlie Harper:
Way better!

Charlie Harper:
[about Jake] He's not too bright, so you can lie to him all you want.

Alan Harper:
Charlie?

Charlie Harper:
Oh, come on! Until he was ten, I had him convinced that swizzle sticks were money!

Alan Harper:
Have you guys considered eloping to Vegas?

Dr. Herb Melnick:
No, we havent...

Alan Harper:
Now, I know what you're thinking - tacky, tacky. But actually, it isn't. It's classy and very romantic.

Charlie Harper:
Yeah, some of the hotels have those big mirrored walls. It's like watching your ass bob up and down in IMAX.

Dr. Herb Melnick:
The things is I'm - I'm just not sure I'm ready to be a stepfather.

Alan Harper:
Oh, oh, sure you are. You'll be terrific. Right, Charlie?

Charlie Harper:
Trust us. As long as there's food in the fridge and money in your wallet, you'll own the little peckerhead.

Alan Harper:
Parenthood is like skydiving. You just gotta jump out of the old plane.

Charlie Harper:
And get sucked into the old propeller!

Alan Harper:
A propeller of love!

Alan Harper:
[to Dr Melnick] Jake's used to being an only child.

Charlie Harper:
If there was a new one, he'd probably eat it by mistake.

Alan Harper:
I would like to propose a toast. To Jake.

Dr. Herb Melnick:
[Drunk] Ah, Jake's great!

Alan Harper:
And to Judith.

Dr. Herb Melnick:
[Drunk] Absolutely! Judith's great, too!

Alan Harper:
And to your upcoming marriage.

Dr. Herb Melnick:
[pause] Ah, sure. What the hell?

Alan:
When you're with a woman like Sherri, who's sooo gosh darn beautiful that you get excited just thinking about her... how do you... keep the sprinklers from going off while you're still mowing?

Alan:
If I ever had a - a woman like that, I - I would cherish her, I would worship her, I would start a small country and put her face on a stamp so I could lick the back of her head.

Alan:
What does marriage have to do with sex?

Charlie:
[making a deal with Alan while standing at a urinal] Want to shake on it?

Jamie Eckleberry:
Alan?

Alan Harper:
Jamie!

Charlie:
Woof!

Charlie Harper:
[their mother just came to visit] So, Mom, to what do we owe this unexpected, uuh...

Evelyn Harper:
Pleasure?

Charlie Harper:
No, that's not it.

Evelyn Harper:
I was showing a house in the neighborhood, and I thought I'd visit people I love.

Alan Harper:
And they weren't home?

Evelyn Harper:
I'm going to need something black.

Charlie Harper:
Doesn't your soul qualify?

[Rose pulls alongside Alan as they drive]

Rose:
[upset] You didn't call!

Alan Harper:
What's that?

Rose:
You said you'd call me and you didn't call!

Jake Harper:
Hi, Rose.

Rose:
[suddenly cheerful] Hey, Jake.

Alan:
Well you know what, it doesn't matter if I look cool, we judge a person by what's inside, not by what they wear.

Jake:
Lucky for you, huh.

Alan:
This is not who I am.

Charlie:
Yeah, but who you are, couldn't get laid under water, with a tank full of oxygen.

Alan:
Help me Charlie, I wanna sing for no reason.

[Alan is in Charlie's bar in a suit jacket looking suave]

Leanne:
So, Charlie. Who's your friend?

Charlie:
My brother, Alan.

Leanne:
Hi Alan. I'm Leanne. It's nice to meet you.

Alan:
I've actually met you a bunch of times.

Leanne:
Oh no. I'd remember you.

Alan:
I've come in here with Charlie all the time. I always order a rum and diet coke.

Leanne:
Oh ! Right. So, Alan, the usual ?

Alan:
Uh, no. Today, let's try something different. Charlie, what are you having ?

Charlie:
Tequila shooters with a beer back.

Alan:
Great! I will have a rum and diet coke.

Leanne:
You got it, hon.

Alan Harper:
[angrily, to God] I watch *one* donkey sex show, and you make me pay for it the *rest of my life*!

Kandi:
[to Alan] I think we've reached an implants in our relationship.

Judith Harper:
[Offscreen] Impasse!

Berta:
How do you know Kandi?

Mandi:
She's my daughter.

Berta:
Your daughter? Sweet whistling Geronimo, you people are like a box of hamsters just crawling all over each other.

Alan Harper:
Yes, well, we all get how this looks, Berta.

Berta:
Hey I'm not knocking it, I'm just wondering when some of that gravy's going to spill over on my tables.

Charlie:
[Alan is looking at a photo of Charlie's old girlfriend who is now a man] Just *look* at it.

Alan:
Alright. She's cute... very tall... broad shoulders... [suddenly screams, in realization] Holy Mother of God!

Charlie:
Welcome to the Matrix.

Berta:
Nothing exciting happening in your world, Charlie?

Charlie Harper:
Like what?

Berta:
Oh... I don't know. Go to a fun party, see a great movie, run into an old flame with a new wick?

Bill / Jill:
It's me!

Charlie Harper:
Me who?

Charlie Harper:
[long pause while he stares at the "stranger"] Nooooo.

Bill / Jill:
Yes.

Charlie Harper:
Jill?

Bill / Jill:
Bill.

Charlie Harper:
Noooooo!

Bill / Jill:
Remember, when we broke up, and I said, "It's not you. It's me".

Charlie:
Yes! And I believe you now.

Bill / Jill:
You haven't changed.

Charlie:
I wish I could say the same.

Charlie:
If I had a nickel for every time a girl dumped me, disappeared for five years, and came back as a guy... I'd have a *nickel*!

Berta:
[wants to tell Evelyn that the man Evelyn slept with, Bill, used to be a woman] I will clean your house *free* for a month, if you let me do it.

Charlie:
[shakes Bill/Jill's hand; gets up to leave] Nice to see you again. Good luck with the penis.

Charlie:
[to Bill/Jill] You want to be a real man? Grab hold of those store-bought balls and just tell the truth.

Alan:
[after meeting Bill/Jill] Nice guy. Poker buddy?

Charlie:
Yeah, I used to. - And don't call me 'buddy'.

Judith Harper:
[Jake's teacher want to know if Jake has any hobbies outside of school] Well, I don't know about his father, but I've tried to share some of my interest with him.

Alan Harper:
Unfortunately, he's a little young to drink in the dark, and b*tch about men.

Francine:
You know, I'm organizing a drama club. Would that be something that Jake would have any interest in, or do you think he gets enough drama at home?

Alan Harper:
It's not *that* kind of relationship. It's-it's-it's intellectual.

Charlie Harper:
So! Take her to a museum, enjoy the exhibits, then *do* her in the restroom!

Alan Harper:
I guess I just always thought that, that one woman was supposed to fulfill all my needs.

Charlie Harper:
Oh, that's an old wives tale, started to protect the interest of, you guessed it, *old wives*!

Judith Harper:
[spots Kandi across the room] Is that a diamond necklace? You never gave *me* a diamond necklace.

Alan Harper:
Yeah, well, you never gave *me* extra special, bonus sex.

Alan Harper:
Jake, I want you to tell your uncle what you wanted to sing.

Jake Harper:
It's called "Whoop that stanky hoe!"

Charlie Harper:
You know the difference between you and me, Alan?

Alan Harper:
I don't scream when I pee?

Charlie Harper:
[about how the eyes of Fernando, the handsome handyman, seem to look into your soul] Women used to say that about... my eyes.

Jake Harper:
Really? 'Cause now they're kinda milky and bloodshot.

Jake Harper:
Buffalo's are cool too. They're like bad-ass cows.

Alan Harper:
[to Charlie] You're a lecherous, old guy, who bought a young woman's affection with shiny baubles.

Berta:
Choose your words carefully, Slim.

Lydia:
Slim? Why thank you, I watch what I eat.

Berta:
Going in or coming out?

Berta:
Boy, I'm glad I stopped coming to work high.

Jake Harper:
Lydia sells homes on the biatch.

Lydia:
Oh, yes! Evelyn Harper. I recognize you from your bus bench ads. People all over town are sitting on your face!

Evelyn Harper:
Well dear, maybe someday if you work hard, people will be sitting on your face too!

Evelyn Harper:
Are you sure you don't want to stay and finish putting on your make-up?

Lydia:
That's OK, I'm done. Would you like to borrow some?

Evelyn Harper:
No thanks. I'm allergic to the drug store brands.

Charlie Harper:
What?

Berta:
[to Jake] And they call you slow.

Alan Harper:
You're kidding, right? You don't see it?

Charlie Harper:
See what?

Alan Harper:
Lydia and Mom?

Alan Harper:
What about them?

Berta:
Come on Charlie. The only difference between those two broads is you came out of one and - [Charlie cuts her off]

Alan Harper:
I think she caught the rabbit.

Charlie Harper:
I'll be back in 2 shakes, 3 if it's cold.

Alan:
Charlie, let me tell you something; you-you-you can't keep Jake from ever getting hurt, he's a boy. It's... getting hurt is like his job. Last summer he - he actually fractured his ass doing a cannonball into the bathtub. All I care about is that has somebody who loves him, and who'll step up when it really counts, and that's what you did today.

Charlie Harper:
[wants custody of Jake if something happens to Judith and Alan] All right, Alan, let me ask you something: If I'm here, and Jake's in Rhode Island, who's gonna teach him all the things he needs to know?

Alan:
Jerry and Faye are both college professors.

Charlie Harper:
I'm talking about the important stuff; about life. Face it... when the time comes, are those two *eggheads* gonna step up and get your kid laid?

Alan:
You're not helping your case, Charlie.

Dr. Prajneep:
[in the ER exam room] Maybe you'd prefer to wait outside.

Charlie Harper:
I'd prefer a morphine drip and a sponge bath, but the kid needs me.

Charlie:
What's going on?

Alan:
[on the phone with Evelyn] Hang on.

Alan:
[puts a hand over the phone] Ah, If Mom's ever in a coma, you're the one who has to decided to pull the plug.

Charlie:
[doesn't even think about it] Pull.

Alan:
All right Mom. Charlie on board.

Berta:
I'm not cleaning that up.

Charlie Harper:
[filling out a form for Jake in the ER] All right, let's see: Last name, Harper. First name, Jake - ob?

Jake Harper:
Mmm-hmm.

Charlie Harper:
Jacob. I knew that. Middle name?

Jake Harper:
You don't know?

Charlie Harper:
Of course I know. I want to see if you know. You fell on your head, dude.

Jake Harper:
David.

Charlie Harper:
Wow, Jacob David. They went full Old Testament on you, didn't they?

[first lines]

Myra:
[Charlie wakes up cuddled next to Judith's future sister-in-law] Thinking of chewing your arm off?

Charlie Harper:
What? No, no, no! Why would I do that?

Myra:
I don't know? Maybe because you're not horny any more, and you just remembered I'm staying through the weekend?

Charlie Harper:
Normally, at this point in the relationship, I'm busy plotting the appropriate exit strategy.

Alan Harper:
[Jake is annoyed because he had to sleep in his father's bed, and his father kept getting out of bed to pee] Okay, one of those was to get a glass of water.

Jake Harper:
Well there's your problem! Stop topping off the tank!

Alan Harper:
[to Charlie] You just could not control yourself. "A female's in the house, she must me mounted!"

Alan Harper:
[Charlie wonders why Alan is upset] I will tell you why. Because every time you rut with any woman even remotely connected to my life, I end up suffering!

Alan Harper:
And now that Judith's finally getting remarried, and I can see the light at the end of the alimony tunnel, you decide, "Hey, why don't I start humping her new sister-in-law"!

Charlie Harper:
That is not how it happened!

Alan Harper:
I don't care how it happened! I only care how it's going to end, and it's going to end badly for *me*!

Charlie Harper:
How? Explain how.

Charlie Harper:
[near hysterics] I don't know yet! That's always part of the fun... trying to guess how your *penis*, is going to bite *me*, in the *ass*!

Berta:
[to Charlie] What is it you always say about going to a wedding with a woman you're sleeping with... You say, and I quote, "Better I should light myself on fire, and run through a meth-lab".

Berta:
[to Charlie] I know you. Myra's not one of your handi-wipes in high heels that you can just throw out after you... wipe your handi.

Charlie Harper:
Yeah, well, you don't know what you're talking about, because this relationship is not based on sex.

Berta:
Not based on sex? Well, unless she sweats bourbon and farts hundred dollar bill, what exactly is going to keep you together?

Alan Harper:
[scrubbing Jake's tuxedo pants] What is this, candle wax? How do you get candle wax on the seat of your pants?

Jake Harper:
I don't know!

Alan Harper:
You don't know?

Jake Harper:
Okay, I might've lit a couple farts.

Alan Harper:
I'm Alan Harper, and I am not having sex!

Elvis Costello:
You know, Sean never speaks about his siblings.

Sean Penn:
Back off, Mary Poppins! You're workin' on my last nerve.

Harry Dean Stanton:
[to Charlie] Let me tell you something about... "relevant". The root of the word "relevant" is "rel", which is also the root of the word "relative". You brother is your "relative", ergo, your brother is "relevant".

Rose:
Believe me, Alan. I understand how hurtful it is to be rejected by Charlie. And I've found that the only way to get through it, is to just love him more. That, and every so often, sneak into his bedroom, and try on his underwear.

Elvis Costello:
[while writing down song lyrics based on Sean Penn's thoughts, Elvis Costello comes up with an excuse for what he's writing down] Shopping list. Just a shopping list.

Jake Harper:
You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose. But you can't pick your friend's nose. You know why that's funny? Cause it's true.

Charlie Harper:
Alright, are you gonna come back inside or do I have to drag you in by your big flappy monkey ears ?

Rose:
Listen to him, Alan, he's begging.

Alan Harper:
No thank you, Charlie. I am quite happy chatting out here with Rose.

Charlie Harper:
Okay. I tried to be the loving brother. You sulky little weasel.

Rose:
That really wasn't necessary, Alan.

Alan Harper:
Yes it was. You're my friend and friends don't just abandon friends because something better comes along.

Rose:
Oh. Well, then this might sting a bit. I have something else to do and I'm pretty sure it's better.

Charlie Harper:
[Alan asks Charlie why he isn't out on a date with his new lady friend] Sherri? I'm playing that slow.

Alan Harper:
Really? Do you mean at, uh, a leisurely pace, or as if you were developmentally challenged?

Charlie Harper:
[about Jake] Man, that kid guards his plate like a one-armed inmate, doesn't he?

Rose:
Let's review. She's gorgeous, but she's also self-centered. She's promiscuous, she's commitment phobic...

Charlie Harper:
Oh my God! I'm dating myself... No wonder the sex is so good.

Alan Harper:
[fighting over homework] Why can't you just learn it now?

Jake Harper:
Because there's only so much space in my brain, that if you put Magellen in there, I might forget my locker combination.

Alan Harper:
[Charlie plans to break up with Sherry] Why?

Charlie Harper:
Because she's a self-centered, manipulative, narcissist.

Alan Harper:
So are you.

Charlie Harper:
Hello?

Berta:
Alan. Got a riddle for you. What's short, sticky, picky, and only supposed to be here on the weekends? I'll give you a hint; it's your kid.

Berta:
How in the hell do you meditate when someone's squirtin' water up your business?

Alan Harper:
Look, if you feel so strongly about this girl, why don't you just call her?

Charlie Harper:
Yeah, sure, I could call her. I could also Fed-Ex her my testicles in a little silk bag.

Rose:
I've been riddled with glauckenstucken ever since.

Charlie:
Glaucken what?

Rose:
Glauckenstucken! It means feeling guilty for having felt schadenfreud.

Charlie:
They have a word for that?

Rose:
Well, not yet, but I'm hoping glauckenstucken catches on!

Charlie Harper:
Alan, hit your kid for me.

Alan Harper:
Do we really want to risk more brain damage?

Jake Harper:
Thanks for sticking up for me, dad.

Charlie Harper:
Jake's in the bathroom. He's either finishing breakfast or starting lunch.

Herb:
Well, he's a growing boy.

Charlie Harper:
He's a growing pain in my ass.

Alan Harper:
He says that with love.

Charlie Harper:
No, I say it with a dull, throbbing pain in my ass.

Jake Harper:
What's your movie idea?

Alan Harper:
It's about a man who finds himself in a crossroads in his life.

Jake Harper:
You know what I think of that movie? Boring! Rated G... A-Y.

Charlie Harper:
What have they got you on?

Herb:
All the good stuff. They could pull out all my teeth, and I wouldn't feel a thing. They haven't, have they? [Opens mouth]

Herb:
All aboard!

Alan Harper:
I hope this is a good driving wine.

Charlie Harper:
I'm an artist, Alan. I paint with words.

Alan Harper:
You're a lush, Charlie. You paint with vomit.

Charlie Harper:
It could have been worse. I could have had a caboose in my caboose.

Walden Schmidt:
[Walden coming down the stairs in the morning after a wild party left his house a big mess] Wow, It's like Charlie Sheen's house.

Herb:
[examining Walden after a yoga accident involving his groin area] Well, good news. Everything looks completely normal. And, speaking as a medical professional, your "junk" is extraordinary.

Walden Schmidt:
[tentatively] Thank you.

Herb:
I didn't know whether to examine it, or feed it a peanut.

[Charlie trying to get rid of a bunch of seagulls]

Charlie:
Shoo!

Charlie:
Alan, your wife threw you out.

Alan:
Yeah, well that doesn't mean she doesn't *need* me.

Charlie:
Yeah, it kinda does.

Charlie:
[Jake's bedroom is full of sea gulls; Charlie has a chum-bucket] I'm going to throw the bait out the window to lure the birds out of the house.

Alan:
Oh, that's - that's pretty clever.

Charlie:
Yeah, it's a variation on something I do with women and tennis bracelets.

Alan Harper:
You need to keep in mind that this is not like the old days. I'm a guest here.

Jake Harper:
You mean like the old days, when you were a guest here?

Walden Schmidt:
So what's your deal?

Jake Harper:
Huh?

Walden Schmidt:
What's your deal?

Jake Harper:
Um... I'm seventeen, and I don't think I have a deal yet.

Walden Schmidt:
Nah, everybody's got a deal. Your deal is that you got no deal.

Walden Schmidt:
What are you, like, a high school senior or something?

Jake Harper:
No, I should be, but they got this stupid rule that I got to pass every single course.

Walden Schmidt:
Check this out! My socks match my sneakers.

Alan Harper:
But your sneakers don't match each other.

Alan Harper:
So, I figured I'd just chalk this up as another loss and move on. Universe: 82,223 Alan: 12

Walden Schmidt:
Come on, you're exaggerating. You have not had 12 victories.

Alan Harper:
Yes, I have. Uh, my son plus the number of years I've lived here rent-free.

Berta:
[speaking of her granddaughter who is spending the day with her] She's playing with Jake.

Alan Harper:
Oh good! A little playmate for Jake. That'll give him something to do for today.

Charlie Harper:
I just hope they're quiet, 'cause I've got a lot of work to do.

Prudence:
[entering, wearing a skimpy top and skimpier hip-hugger jean shorts] Nana, did you throw out my cigarettes again?

Alan Harper:
[simultaneously with Charlie] Dear God!

Charlie Harper:
[simultaneously with Alan] Oh Hell!

Prudence:
Hi Alan. What kind of car do you drive?

Alan Harper:
Uh - uh, a Volvo station wagon.

Prudence:
[to Charlie] What do you got?

Charlie Harper:
[hurriedly] I got nothing. Not a damn thing!

Jake Harper:
[Jake enters] Hey Prudence, I set up my X-box. You ready to play?

Prudence:
Sure!

Berta:
[from off screen] Get to work Prudence!

Prudence:
Maybe later, handsome.

[under her breath]

Prudence:
Stupid old woman.

Jake Harper:
Isn't she wonderful?

Alan Harper:
[simultaneously with Charlie] Dear God!

Charlie Harper:
[simultaneously with Alan] Oh Hell!

[doorbell rings, Charlie walks down the stairs rubbing his eyes]

Charlie Harper:
Two o'clock in the morning, this better be God.

[he opens the door to see that it's Prudence]

Charlie Harper:
Oh, God.

[last lines]

Judith:
So how was your weekend?

Jake:
Uncle Charlie says I don't have to tell you.

Prudence:
[sunbathing, tries to hand Alan suntan lotion] Can you put some of this on my back?

Alan Harper:
No!

Prudence:
If you don't, I'll burn.

Alan Harper:
If I do, *I* will.

[first lines]

Alan Harper:
[shouting on the phone] Do you just get up in the morning, and figure out ways to make me crazy? Is that what you do? You-you plot it out? "How can I make Alan miserable today? How can I reach into his chest, *rip* out his heart, and suck it dry?"

Charlie Harper:
Mom, or ex-wife?

Alan Harper:
[hand over phone] Ex-wife.

Charlie Harper:
Hi Judith!

Alan Harper:
Charlie says "Hello".

Alan Harper:
She says "Hi". [shouting again] You're evil and selfish! You know that?... No... no, no, I - I think that *is* a helpful comment! I pay you alimony, and child support, so that you can a nice house, a nice car, aaand every weekend free, because I've got Jake, and yet... you're telling me that *you* need a *vacation*!... Oh really?... Oh really. And what, exactly, is stressing you out, Judith? It is the weekly manicure? The housekeeper?

Charlie Harper:
The boob lift.

Alan Harper:
[phone] The boob lift?

Charlie Harper:
That you paid for.

Alan Harper:
[phone] That I paid for!

Charlie Harper:
And never got to see.

Alan Harper:
[phone] And never got to see!... No, no, no. You listen to me. I think you lead a damn fine life-style, that I work sixty hours a week to support. So if anybody needs a vacation, it's not you, it's me!... Alright then!... Good-bye.

Alan Harper:
[to Charlie] Uhm, Judith's going to Hawaii for a week... so Jake's staying here.

Charlie Harper:
[sarcastically] I'm shocked.

Jake Harper:
[left standing in the rain after soccer practice] I can't believe you forget me!

Alan Harper:
I said I'm sorry.

Jake Harper:
You forgot me!

Alan Harper:
I know. I feel terrible.

Jake Harper:
How many kids you got!...

Alan Harper:
[after asking if he can make up for it by going out for a special dinner] How 'bout a movie?

Jake Harper:
Why? You gonna leave me the there too!

Alan Harper:
Please, I really need your help.

Charlie Harper:
Then you're headed for disappointment.

Charlie Harper:
[to Jake, after smoothing his hair down with spit] One man's saliva is another man's mousse, so shut up!

Alan Harper:
You know *why* I was being audited? Not because I have unsubstantiated deductions, which I have. Not because I take the occasional cash payment from a client, and forget to report it, which I do. It was because *no* *one* at the IRS could *believe* I was paying as much *alimony* as I claimed. It took me three hours to convince them that, yes, I am that big a shmuck.

Berta:
I'm going home.

Charlie Harper:
I suppose you want me to pay you.

Berta:
Not necessary. I took the money out of your wallet.

Charlie Harper:
Fine

Berta:
Guess what! I got a raise.

Charlie Harper:
Congratulations.

Berta:
You want to know why I got a raise?

Charlie Harper:
No. I'm sure I had my reasons.

Berta:
Because, when I took this job, all I had to do was clean up after you. And while that may have been disgusting, it was do-able. And then your brother moved in, which I accepted with my usual good humor. Because he cleans up after himself like a... neurotic raccoon.

Charlie Harper:
This is about the kid, right?

Berta:
Good for you! That's why you're the boss.

Charlie Harper:
He's just here for a week. It's a temporary situation.

Berta:
And yet my raise is permanent.

Berta:
[to Alan and Charlie] Show of hands... Who spent their day pre-soaking the shorts of a kid who leaves more skid marks than a get-away car?

Berta:
[to Alan and Charlie] Now if you ladies will excuse me, I have three busses to catch.

Charlie Harper:
[as soon as Berta leaves] I'll bet she catches 'em by hand.

Charlie Harper:
Well, Jake... Your uncle Charlie is getting a vasectomy

Jake Harper:
Oh... What's wrong with the car you have now?

Berta:
[speaking of Rose] Of all the bare-asses that have come through these halls, she's the one that got to you.

Charlie Harper:
Yeah, she got to me all right. She put a sleeping pill in my scotch and glued my testicles to my leg.

Berta:
You still can't get past that.

Rose:
You can't expect me to go back to what we had without some kind of commitment.

Charlie Harper:
Commi tment?

Rose:
We going to get married right?

Charlie Harper:
Married?

Rose:
Sell the house in Malibu, and move to a kid-friendly neighborhood here in London.

Charlie Harper:
Kid?

Rose:
Kids. We're gonna have kids, aren't we?

Charlie Harper:
Can you help or am I stuck shooting pool with a rope?

Dr. Freeman:
Thank you for that disturbing image.

Charlie Harper:
And I said, why not? Two's a company, three's a sandwich.

Alan Harper:
No matter how you shake and dance, the last few drops fall on your pants.

Jake Harper:
[startled when Rose sneaks up on him] Are you crazy?

Rose:
[nonchalantly] There are several different schools of thought on that.

Alan Harper:
[watching Charlie bite into a tube of cinnamon buns] What are you doing?

Charlie Harper:
What does it look like I'm doing?

Alan Harper:
I'd rather not say.

Charlie Harper:
Let me put it this way: alcohol is for people who can afford to lose a few brain cells.

Jake Harper:
Yeah, so?

Charlie Harper:
I rest my case.

Jake Harper:
What case?

Charlie Harper:
How would you like your eggs?

Jake Harper:
In an Easter basket.

Charlie Harper:
Scrambled it is.

Charlie Harper:
Hey, Alan. Can you taste my hollandaise sauce?

Alan Harper:
You made hollandaise sauce?

Charlie Harper:
You tell me.

Alan Harper:
[Tastes sauce] You did not make hollandaise sauce.

Charlie Harper:
Damn you, eggs Benedict.

Alan Harper:
Tonight, I give my second rose to bachelorette number two.

Charlie Harper:
Only you can gay up banging two women.

[Jake is throwing up after drinking]

Charlie Harper:
You know, your body is sending you a message.

Jake Harper:
Yeah, next time I need to chew my food properly. Look at that shrimp. You could polished it off and serve it again.

Charlie Harper:
It's also telling you that alcohol is poison.

Jake Harper:
Then why do you drink?

Charlie Harper:
Because I have things inside of me that I need killed.

Charlie Harper:
You know what the problem is? The women, the drinking... you look at me and think it's easy. What you don't see is the years of dedication that have made me the boozing ass wrangler I am today.

Jake Harper:
Man, I thought you were cool.

Charlie Harper:
You know what makes me cool? Not giving a crap about what you think.

Jake Harper:
[slurring on the phone] Hey Uncle Charlie, It's me, Jakey. I'm drunk. How are you? Are you with a woman? Does she have big ones?

Charlie Harper:
[making breakfast] How do you like your eggs?

Berta:
Sunny side up.

Charlie Harper:
Scrambled it is.

Berta:
[picks up a cookbook] "Cooking for Dummies"?

Charlie Harper:
[to Jake watching TV on the couch] No offense, Jake. I'm actually cookin' for everybody.

Berta:
What brought this on?

Charlie Harper:
I don't know. I... thought I'd expand my horizons a bit.

Berta:
[smiles] Uh-huh

Charlie Harper:
What?

Berta:
I'm just trying to figure out how scrambled eggs are gonna get you laid.

Charlie Harper:
You and me both.

Charlie Harper, Berta:
[both laugh]

Melissa:
All right. Well, now that we're all here, why don't we take turns saying something about Alan and how much he means to us. Oh, okay, Jake, you want to start ?

Jake Harper:
No, I got to go make room for cake.

Melissa:
All right. Uh, Berta! Why don't you get the ball rolling.

Berta:
Sure. What the hell. Zippy, I got to tell you, when you first moved in, I didn't really care for you. You were a persnickety, self-righteous, smug son-of-a-b*tch. And now, here we are, six years later. Thank you.

Charlie Harper:
I can't believe it.

Jake Harper:
Believe what ?

Charlie Harper:
I think I miss him.

Jake Harper:
Miss who ?

Charlie Harper:
Your father.

Jake Harper:
Oh.

Charlie Harper:
What about you ?

Jake Harper:
What about me what ?

Jake Harper:
Do you miss him ?

Jake Harper:
Who ?

Charlie Harper:
Your father.

Jake Harper:
Why ? Where is he ?

Walden Schmidt:
I found this company, and they help you locate old vehicles. It's called "Dude Where's My Car".

Barry:
So what's so great about this thing?

Walden Schmidt:
I don't know, it's my first car. I had a lot of firsts in it. First time I learned to drive, first time I had sex, first time I had a condom break, first time I prayed.

Barry:
So, you gonna buy this car?

Walden Schmidt:
No, some guy named Dirk in Denver has it.

Jenny Harper:
So, why go through all the effort of tracking it down if you don't want it?

Walden Schmidt:
Nostalgia. It's kinda like lookin' up your first girlfriend, or your High School math teacher. For me those were one in the same. She still writes me from prison.

Barry:
I think my math teacher had a crush on me, too. I mean, why else would he ask me to take a shower after Math Team practice?

Barry:
My Dad wasn't around much. I had to teach myself all those things that Dads teach ya: How to ride a bike, how to shave, how to change a tire, how to masturbate.

Walden Schmidt:
[disgusted] What? No, Dads don't teach you how to masturbate.

Barry:
Glad somebody told me before I had kids.

Olivia Pearson:
You said I was very special to you.

Charlie:
You were!

Olivia Pearson:
Yeah, me and three other women!

Charlie:
I said you were special... not unique.

Alan Harper:
[opens the front door to find Evelyn cavorting with "Uncle Norman", and blocks Jake from entering] We can't go in there right now.

Jake Harper:
[eager to use the bathroom] Come on, why not?

Alan Harper:
[bluntly] Because I can't afford to send you to *therapy* for the rest of your life.

Alan Harper:
Norman, this is Berta.

Norman:
Hello.

Berta:
What is this, a fix-up?

Alan Harper:
No, uh, nothing like that.

Berta:
That's good, because I'd probably kill him. [to Norman] Nothing personal cottontop, I just kinda like it rough.

Alan Harper:
[to Norman] Have another cookie.

Berta:
So is anyone gonna tell me what's going on?

Alan Harper:
Well, it's a little complicated. Charlie - [Berta cuts him off]

Berta:
Got it.

Berta:
You got a gun?

Norman:
No!

Berta:
Want one?

Alan Harper:
Berta!

Berta:
I'm making small talk.

Alan Harper:
Jake can hear you two in bed.

Judith Harper:
Oh God! Oh God!

Herb:
He didn't hear that.

Herb:
She did teach me to play through the pain.

Alan Harper:
Yeah. Tape it up and get back in there!

Alan Harper:
You need a women who's more age appropiate.

Charlie Harper:
What is age appropiate for me?

Alan Harper:
Forty.

Charlie Harper:
Are you out of your mind?

Charlie Harper:
I don't mind the talking and the listening, but what about the ears?

Alan Harper:
What about the ears?

Charlie Harper:
The ears never stop growing, and I like a nice, tight lobe.

Jake Harper:
You had a dream about a train going into a tunnel? That sounds boring. It means what?

Charlie Harper:
Forty-year-old women come with a lot of baggage.

Alan Harper:
Right. And you have just a carry-on.

Alan Harper:
I don't believe this. You nervous about a date?

Charlie Harper:
Of course I'm nervous. We don't have anything to talk about. I haven't been with a forty-year-old since high school.

Charlie Harper:
There are a lot of fish in the sea, but after you catch them and eat them, then what?

Dr. Melnick:
[Alan is returning the "The Harpers" welcome mat that he stole the night before] So you came over unannounced, to apologize for coming over unannounced?

Alan:
I was afraid you'd pick up on that.

Charlie Harper:
[sees Alan writing a check] Hmm. Tequila. Checkbook. Sourpuss. Must be alimony time!

Charlie Harper:
So where's Jake?

Alan:
Sleeping at a friend's. He'll get dropped off tomorrow.

Charlie Harper:
Oh, man! I rented a movie I thought he'd like.

Alan:
Oh, what'd you get?

Charlie Harper:
Don't worry. It's educational.

Alan:
[gives Alan the DVD] "One Million Years B.C."? How - how is this educational?

Charlie Harper:
Raquel Welch running from dinosaurs in a fur bikini? What is that, if not history?

Alan:
So, you ever been married?

Dr. Melnick:
My wife passed away.

Alan:
Oh, oh, I'm - I'm sorry.

Alan:
[pause] No alimony, though. You gotta love that!

Berta:
[about Charlie] Was he breastfed?

Evelyn Harper:
Of course he was. Not by me, personally.

Charlie Harper:
Hey. Did you know that Mom's birthday was a couple of weeks ago?

Alan:
Yeah. I sent her some flowers and a card.

Charlie Harper:
Ah, man! Would it have killed you to put my name on the card?

Alan:
As a matter of fact I did put your name on it. I - I wrote "Love, your sons, Alan and Charlie".

Charlie Harper:
Damn.

Alan:
What?

Charlie Harper:
She tricked me into thinking I forgot.

Alan:
Show me the better!

Charlie Harper:
[Charlie sees the size of Alan's alimony payment] Boy! You'd think for all that money, she'd at least come over and give you a lap dance.

Charlie Harper:
Well I've always said a 22 year old girl is like a good carpenter; no wood gets wasted.

[during his birthday party, Jake locks himself in the bathroom after taking Viagra that he mistook for a vitamin, and refuses to come out; some of the adults catch on as to why]

Judith Harper:
What's going on? I don't understand.

Berta:
The kid's gonna need another party hat.

Jake Harper:
[to Alan] So what's a booty call?

Charlie Harper:
I figured you didn't want me telling him. Was I wrong?

Alan Harper:
What are you doing? Watching the big game?

Charlie Harper:
Nothing gets by you.

Alan Harper:
So, who are we rooting for?

Charlie Harper:
The spread.

Alan Harper:
Heard any good jokes lately?

Charlie Harper:
Yeah. Two brothers are sitting on a couch. One asks "heard any good jokes lately?" And the other brother - get this - sets him on fire.

Alan Harper:
I need human contact. [Doorbell rings]

Charlie Harper:
That's probably a human. Go make contact. That's actually very clever.

Charlie Harper:
Hey, Bertha. Get me a beer, will ya?

Berta:
Jake, get your uncle a beer.

Jake Harper:
Let him get his own beer.

Berta:
Sorry, Charlie. I tried.

Jenna:
So, are you a friend of the bride or the groom?

Alan Harper:
Well, the bride is my mother, so... the groom.

Charlie Harper:
That blouse is very distracting. Is that police issue?

Evelyn Harper:
Ugh, what is that? Non-dairy creamer? Just take me to the Green Mile and be done with it.

Wes Tosterone:
It's all we got.

Evelyn Harper:
Oh, please. All these cops around, one of them can't make a Starbucks run?

Charlie Harper:
I can't believe it. She used me. She conned me. She took my money. Hey, Courtney!

Courtney:
What?

Charlie Harper:
I'll wait for you!

Berta:
So who do you supposed was smoking Teddy's sausage?

Courtney:
Bertha! He was my father!

Berta:
I'm sorry. Who do you supposed was smoking your fathers' sausage?

Evelyn Harper:
Jake, how many times I have to tell you? Do not eat the cake until they cut it.

Jake Harper:
But I'm hungry. What am I supposed to do?

Evelyn Harper:
Eat some cheese.

Jake Harper:
So I can cut the cheese? Get it?

Charlie Harper:
You keep rubbing up against me, I'll be able to catch my Mother's garter without my hands.

Sloane Jagov:
[checking the crime scene, a.k.a. Charlie's bedroom, for semen with a special light] My... God!

Wes Tosterone:
It's like a Jackson Pollock painting!

Charlie Harper:
The ceiling fan is actually a cute story.

Evelyn Harper:
There was lipstick on his hoo-hoo.

Wes Tosterone:
Your lipstick?

Evelyn Harper:
Oh god no. I'd rather drink your coffee.

Wes Tosterone:
So he was with another woman?

Evelyn Harper:
Not necessarily.

Wes Tosterone:
Do you have another theory for where the lipstick came from?

Evelyn Harper:
Have you ruled out clowns? You should check for really big footprints.

Alan Harper:
[a hooker says "Hi Alan.", Evelyn burns him a look] Hey, I'm not the one who's got a dead husband with lipstick on his dipstick.

Berta:
I'm warning you, coffee tends to shoot through me. So if you've got a cavity search planned, you better do it pretty quick.

Wes Tosterone:
We don't need to do a cavity search.

Berta:
Can I request one?

Wes Tosterone:
What do you know about Teddy Leopold?

Berta:
I knew he was hot for me. He was always flirting.

Berta:
You can't blame him. You gotta figure that boinking Evelyn is like riding a bicycle over train tracks. You'll get where you're going, but you're gonna feel every bump.

Jake Harper:
[driving, sticks his elbow out the window]

Alan Harper:
What are you doing?

Jake Harper:
Driving.

Alan Harper:
Both hands: ten and two.

Jake Harper:
Twelve

Alan Harper:
No, no, like a clock: 10:00 and 2:00.

Jake Harper:
I have no idea what you're talking about.

Jake Harper:
[driving a car, turns the radio on]

Alan Harper:
Hey, hey, hey, hey. Concentrate on the road.

Jake Harper:
What? You listen to the radio while you drive.

Alan Harper:
I'm an experienced driver.

Charlie Harper:
[from a back seat] You drive like an old woman

Alan Harper:
An *experienced* old woman.

Alan Harper:
[peeking nervously on Jake driving the car] So, Charlie, when's your, uh... when's your fiance back in town?

Charlie Harper:
[also nervously looking around] Uh... next week.

Alan Harper:
Huh. So, uh... so her dad's out of the hospital?

Charlie Harper:
Yep. They give him new hip and send him home.

Alan Harper:
Huh. So he had a bad hip?

Charlie Harper:
No, Alan, he has a bad tooth, but he went to the wrong doctor.

Alan Harper:
You don't have to be snide.

Charlie Harper:
You don't have to ask dumb-ass questions.

Jake Harper:
He didn't ask me anything.

Charlie Harper:
Jake, wake up.

Charlie Harper:
[Jake is still asleep] Well, I tried.

[first lines]

Alan:
Hey. How do I look?

Charlie:
[not looking] Incredible. All men want to be you, all women want to be with you.

Alan:
Can you at least look at me before you answer?

Charlie:
[looks] I stand corrected. All men want to be with you...

Berta:
Well, gadzooks! Zippy's getting his freak on.

Charlie Harper:
Yeh, it seems we're living in an age of miracles.

Berta:
I guess if they can put a man on the moon, they can put a woman on your brother. Who's the girl ?

Charlie Harper:
I don't know. He met her at the supermarket. Helped her pick out corn.

Berta:
Corn ?

[Charlie shrugs]

Berta:
Huh. Well, I'm not in any position to judge. I once did a guy for a tank of gas.

Alan:
[Charlie is working out; Alan drinks from Charlie's water bottle] What the hell is this?

Charlie:
Bourbon.

Alan:
You drink Bourbon while you work out?

Charlie:
Gin makes me sweat.

Charlie:
Mom! Thank God, you're here!

Evelyn Harper:
Oh, I don't need your sarcasm, Charlie.

Evelyn Harper:
[Alan puts his hand up to protect himself from another slap on the head] I'm not going to hit you, darling.

Evelyn Harper:
[Alan lower his hand] Charlie!

[Charlie hits Alan]

Alan:
[giddy with excitement] Charlie, I have never had sex like this before in my *life*! In fact, I-I-I don't think anything I had prior to this can even be called "sex". Because if we call that "sex", we need a new name for this. My suggestion would be, "Hootin'-Annie Yum-Yum".

Jake Harper:
Can I watch TV?

Charlie:
I don't see why not. You've got eyes and a butt.

Evelyn Harper:
[to Alan] Ohhh, my randy little nin-com-poop. Listen, if I had gotten married after every weekend of hot, sweaty, debauchery with a virtual stranger, you'd have... well, many more step fathers than you already have.

Charlie Harper:
She knows what she's talking about, Alan. Mom's been on more hotel pillows than a chocolate mint.

Walden Schmidt:
I'm sorry you had to find out this way.

Alan Harper:
Oh, really? Really? How would you have liked me to hear it? Twitter? Facebook? A singing telegram? [sings] Ta-ra-ra boom dee yay! I banged your girl today! 'Cause I'm a billionaire, I still have all my hair!

Alan Harper:
[after Berta laughing out loud] What's funny?

Berta:
From where you're standing? Nothing.

Alan Harper:
[screaming] Hey, hey! I'm still here! I mean, how... how could you do this? How could you have an affair while I'm locked in the booby hatch!

Berta:
I thought it was a stress clinic?

Alan Harper:
[screaming even louder] Everybody knows what it was! I lost my freaking mind! But, luckily, now I'm better! So I have the tools to cope with whatever life throws at me!

Jake Harper:
I'm gonna take Walden's car to Megan's and see if that'll help me sliding it in.

Alan Harper:
Wear protection!

Jake Harper:
I'm wearing it now!

Walden Schmidt:
Look what else Santa brought... broccol-toe!

Charlie:
[Charlie's view on Disneyland after returning from a day spent there] "Happiest Place On Earth" - my Snow White ass!

Charlie:
Alright, it's just you and me now. Are you really sick, or are you just faking it to get out of another fun filled afternoon.

Jake:
I'm really sick.

Charlie:
Just checking, cause I was going to fake it.

Charlie:
[singing] If your home is bug infested, filled with spiders, flies, or gnats, all our sprays are safety tested, we kill vermin not your cat.

Evelyn Harper:
Too late, I'm not speaking to you.

Charlie:
Alright.

Evelyn Harper:
Would you like to know why?

Charlie:
No. I trust your judgment.

Alan Harper:
[drunk in a cab, talking about their Mother] At some point, we have to stand up to her!

Charlie:
Oh, well look who's got beer muscles all of a sudden!

[giving the cab driver directions to his Mother's house in Beverly Hills]

Charlie:
Just, go east on Sunset until you reach the gates of hell.

Cab Driver:
Your mother sounds like a real piece of work.

Charlie:
Oh, you have no idea, my friend. My mother took my baby brother and dipped him in *sissy sauce,* and turned him into the people-pleasing control freak you see today.

Alan Harper:
That's right! And-and she made HIM so scared of intimacy, that-that he has just this endless stream of girls running in and out of his life.

Charlie:
Damn her!

Cab Driver:
You know, many psychologists agree, that until the core maternal relationship is resolved, most men are doomed to repeat dysfunctional childhood patterns.

Charlie:
Just drive the cab, Dr. Phil.

Charlie:
I got some more bad news.

Alan Harper:
[Referring to Jake's pet guinea pig] Oh, that reminds me, I've got to bring Porky back to Jake.

Charlie:
That's the problem. Nothing's bringing Porky back.

Alan Harper:
He's dead?

Charlie:
[Imitating Porky Pig] Th-th-th-that's all folks.

Evelyn Harper:
Now go get mommy's bra. [Charlie rises and pulls her bra from his pocket; pause] Oh darling, that's just sick. [takes the bra start to walk away; then turns around] Seek help.

Charlie Harper:
So, how big difference are we talking about ?

Kandi:
It's *huge*.

Charlie Harper:
Really?

Kandi:
Oh yeh. With you sex is kinda like going on Space Mountain. It's a good ride, but there's never any real danger.

[Charlie looks a little puzzled]

Kandi:
With Alan it's like being in the back seat of a car driven by a really smart kangaroo. He may go up on the curb a couple times, but he'll get you there.

Charlie Harper:
Ok. Thanks for clearing that up.

[Kandi leaves room]

Charlie Harper:
[knowing he's won] There's a two hour wait for Space Mountain.

Berta:
Well, you know what they say. Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and can't get laid huh?

Charlie Harper:
Maybe I'm not trying.

Berta:
Yeah, and look for me next month on the cover of Maxim. I'll have nothing on but the vacuum.

Jake Harper:
We had a surprise test today.

Alan:
And... ?

Jake Harper:
I was REALLY surprised!

Charlie Harper:
Isn't there something you could be doing?

Berta:
Well... [turns to look at Kandi] I could go rub some oil on her, but I don't trust myself.

Charlie Harper:
Berta, please don't take this the wrong way, but it's been a long time for me... and you're starting to turn me on.

Berta:
I'm outta here.

Kandi:
Hi Berta!

Berta:
Hey baby.

[Charlie and Berta are high on medical marijuana]

Charlie Harper:
Wait, wait, wait.

Berta:
What?

Charlie Harper:
I love you, Berta.

Berta:
I love you too, Charlie. Gimme a thousand dollars.

Charlie Harper:
Why?

Berta:
Well if you have to ask, you don't really love me.

Charlie Harper:
[Charlie is hallucinating about his former girlfriends and huddled in his bed] Oh God, oh God, oh God!

Chloe:
How many times has that been said in this bed? [laughs]

Linda:
Or in this chair?

Isabella:
And all over this rug.

Berta:
Who's he listening to?

Jake Harper:
Bucket of Hate.

Berta:
They're good, it reminds me of the early Who.

Jake Harper:
Who?

Berta:
Yeah.

Jake Harper:
What?

Berta:
Band called Who.

Jake Harper:
Bucket of Hate.

Berta:
Huh, and I work for your family.

Alan Harper:
[Jake has been acting out; Judith wants him to go to therapy] He - He's just a normal 11-year-old kid who happens to be a little grumpy.

Judith Harper:
And I'm a normal 35-year-old mother who happens to be running out of patience, and by patience, I mean Prozac.

Judith Harper:
He's been sullen and uncooperative for days. I think he needs to see someone.

Alan Harper:
What - what you mean like a, like a shrink?

Judith Harper:
No, Alan, I mean like a blacksmith. This is clearly a reaction to our divorce. He's not processing his emotions in a healthy way, and I think therapy could help unblock him.

Alan Harper:
Where do you get that?

Judith Harper:
From my therapist.

Alan Harper:
[sarcastically] Who's working wonders with you.

Judith Harper:
Excuse me!

Alan Harper:
[sincerely] Who's working wonders with you!

Berta:
[about Jake] Did you check to see if he's constipated?

Alan Harper:
Berta, his mother and I are going through a divorce, and there's a lot of emotions he hasn't processed.

Berta:
Maybe so, but there's also a lot of string cheese he hasn't processed.

Charlie Harper:
I mean, you're a little kookoo, Judith, but compared to our mother, you're like a fart in a hurricane.

Dr. Linda Freeman:
Do you like puppets?

Alan:
Not really.

Dr. Linda Freeman:
[taking out the cow-puppet and changing her voice] Neither do I!

Alan Harper:
Any luck?

Charlie Harper:
The little snothead kicked me out of his room.

Alan Harper:
Welcome to the club.

Charlie Harper:
Yeah, but I'm the cool uncle.

Alan Harper:
Oh, and I'm the uncool dad?

Charlie Harper:
Don't get defensive. You did the best you could.

Alan Harper:
Hey, hey, that kid has nothing to complain about. He's never been spanked, he's never even been yelled at, and even while my marriage was collapsing he always came first.

Charlie Harper:
Well, I'm glad you're not defensive.

Alan Harper:
He has a great life. He gets everything he wants. I deny him nothing. Oh, my God, what have I done to my son?

Charlie Harper:
Alan, I was kidding. You're a terrific father.

Charlie:
[noticing he's the only male guest, at Isabella's party] So where are all the guys? How come I'm the only weenie in this pot of beans?

Isabella:
You know, people like you have been persecuting people like me for thousands of years.

Alan Harper:
Hmm. Well, that's a bit hard to believe seeing as people like me have historically been victims and food.

Alan Harper:
[to Berta, as Isabella walks out] What are you doing?

Berta:
[hastily putting on jacket] Leaving!

Alan Harper:
Why?

Berta:
Did you see that b*tch? You've got to put a whole lot of gone between you and a broad like that!

Alan Harper:
[handing the telephone to Charlie] Mom wants to ask you something.

Charlie:
[taking the telephone, cheerfully says] Hi, Mom, *no*!

[hangs up]

Charlie:
Secret elixir, huh? Well, I'm usually more of a bourbon guy but when push comes to shove I don't know what the hell's in that either.

Berta:
[to Alan about his inflamed eye] Looks like you got bit in the face by one of them ebola monkeys!... I mean, you weren't exactly eye-candy going in, but now... Wuff! You could scare the flys off a manure truck.

Berta:
Hey Vampira. Tell Count Humpula to get out of bed so I can change his sheets.

Charlie Harper:
You'd really be willing to risk your marriage over a cute, young babysitter?

Dr. Herb Melnick:
I certainly wouldn't risk it over a fat, ugly one.

Charlie Harper:
Can't argue with that.

Charlie Harper:
[about whether or not to have sex] Me? I have to make this decision? That's like asking the fat kid to guard the pie!

Berta:
[about Charlie] I give him another week before he's out on the beach humping wet sand.

Charlie Harper:
[about sexual frustration] I mean, how do you stop yourself from, you know, running a red light and then taunting a Cop until he shoots you?

Jake Harper:
[joke he tells Uncle Charlie] There's two muffins sitting side by side in a muffin tin in the oven. One muffin says to the other, "Boy, it's hot in here!", and the other one says, "Holy Crap! A talking muffin!".

Jake Harper:
Hey, Uncle Charlie, what's green, has 4 legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree and landed on you?

Charlie Harper:
What?

Jake Harper:
A pool table... it's funny cause you wouldn't expect it to be in a tree.

Evelyn Harper:
Well, we can rule out ecstasy. That's a powerful aphrodisiac.

Jake Harper:
Nowadays, you're supposed to say african american disiac.

Charlie:
[to Alan] *Don't* talk about my penis, you have *not* earned the right!

Jake:
[out of the blue] You know, if you guys were queer, we would be what they call an "alternated family".

Rose:
[Rose suggests therapy for Alan and Charlie] Well, I could refer you to the woman I talk to, but she doesn't exist.

Charlie:
You know, it wouldn't kill you to talk to Mom once in a while.

Alan:
We don't know that.

Charlie:
You smile and tell everybody what they want to hear, but I *know* what goes on inside your grinning little puppet-head!

Alan:
You don't have a *clue* what's going on inside my little puppet-head, because to *know* that, you would have to be capable of perceiving the world that exists beyond the tip of your *penis*!

Charlie:
Alan, you're like an Alzheimer's victim in a whore-house.

Alan:
Excuse me?

Charlie:
You're constantly surprised when you've been screwed... and you don't want to pay for it!

Alan:
[to Sherri] I tend to bring out the mothering instinct in women... Ironically, not my mother.

Alan:
Would you mind toasting my buns, please?

Charlie:
[tips his beer bottle] To your buns!

Charlie:
Hey, if I want your opinion, I'll ask your ex-wife.

Alan:
Oh yeah, Oh yeah. Well, if I want YOUR opinion, I'll ask one of the dozens of women you have meaningless casual sex with.

[Charlie has run into some financial trouble]

Charlie:
I can't do this anymore. I quit.

Alan:
You can't quit poverty, Charlie.

Tom:
You can't make sense out of a woman. They're like beautiful puzzles with missing pieces. Or a great book with no ending. Or, like my old man used to say, they're all friggin' nuts.

Charlie Harper:
[Uncomfortable when Tom and Ed start to fight] Maybe I should go.

Tom:
No, no, no. Sit down. Finish your beer.

Ed:
Yeah, we're just sparrin'.

Tom:
I love this broken down son of a b*tch.

Ed:
Oh, for God's sake, don't gay it up in front of company.

Charlie Harper:
[Asking for advice about what to do about Chelsea] So, what? I'm supposed to just go about my business, hoping that one day she shows up and says I'm back.

Tom:
Or you can do like me and Ed did.

Ed:
Change teams.

Tom:
A lot easier livin' with a man than a woman.

Ed:
Tom and I watch the same TV shows. We like the same food.

Tom:
You don't have to leave the room to fart.

Ed:
You don't have to, but it sure would be a nice idea.

Evelyn:
Can you believe!... Two of Cynthia's three children didn't even bother showing up at her funeral, and the one who did was drunk, and cracking tasteless jokes about his Mother all throughout the service...

Charlie Harper:
You didn't happen to jot any of them down, did you?

Alan Harper:
You'll go to Mom's funeral, won't you?

Charlie Harper:
Of course! As the eldest son, it's my obligation to pound in the stake.

Alan Harper:
Typical! Nothing for Alan to do.

Charlie Harper:
[pretending to be irritated] Okaaay. You can cut off her head, and hold it up for the villagers.

Alan Harper:
Thank you!

Alan Harper:
[Charlie is trying to leave to avoid taking his Mother out to dinner] ... there's an option to running away from her.

Charlie Harper:
Yeah, but we'd get caught, and you'd sell me out for a reduced sentence.

Alan Harper:
Maybe if she realized how people see her, she might make an effort to change.

Charlie Harper:
If she realized how people see her, she'd just... get new people.

Charlie Harper:
[two weeks later at their Mother's house, after they had hurt her feelings; they walk in and discover two men and a boy doting on her] Son-of-a-b*tch!... She got new people!

Peggy:
[while shopping for their Mother's birthday gift; sales clerk asks] Have you considered a nice perfume? Do you know her scent?

Alan Harper:
Oh. Actually I don't.

Charlie Harper:
I do.

Alan Harper:
You do?

Charlie Harper:
Yep. Do you carry Chanel #666?

Alan Harper:
[upstairs, as Charlie opens the door to find Evelyn dressed in black, holding a scythe] Who's at the door?

Charlie Harper:
It's Death!

Alan Harper:
Hi, Mom!

Judith:
If you're determined to do something stupid, I'd actually prefer you to do Charlie.

Liz:
So would Charlie. But we can't always get what we want.

Alan Harper:
Anyway, you, me and Mom are taking Jake to a show, Magic Hat's Club.

Charlie Harper:
You invited Mom?

Alan Harper:
You want to tell her she can't come to her only grandchild's birthday? Cause believe me, I *tried*.

Charlie Harper:
Oh man.

Alan Harper:
Look at the bright side, maybe we can bribe one of the magicians to get her sawed in half.

Judith Harper:
If you lay one magic little finger on her, you and I are going to have a very big problem.

Alan:
What are you going to do, divorce me? Marry me again and then divorce me?

Walden Schmidt:
Happy birthday! [shows Berta a brand new Chevrolet Camaro in her driveway]

Berta:
Sweet Georgia Brown! You better not be screwing with me.

Walden Schmidt:
No. You always said it was your dream car, and today your dream's come true. [gives her the key to the car]

Berta:
Oh! C'mere, you big old talking taco! [wraps Walden in a bear hug]

Walden Schmidt:
Oh, oh... there's one condition.

Berta:
Okay. You wanna do it in the house or on the hood of the car?

Walden Schmidt:
No. [voice lowers] Alan can never find out about this.

Lyndsey Mackelroy:
[cut to Lyndsey and Kandi in bed] Alan can never find out about this.

Dr. Linda Freeman:
Anything bothering you lately?

Charlie Harper:
Well, there is this one thing, but I don't know if it's medical or psychological.

Dr. Linda Freeman:
Tell me.

Charlie Harper:
Lately, I've passed up a couple of opportunities to get some strange.

Dr. Linda Freeman:
*Strange*?

Charlie Harper:
Oh... Women with whom I have not previously been acquainted.

Dr. Linda Freeman:
Oh, right, strange. Charming.

Dr. Linda Freeman:
So, what else is going on with your life?

Charlie Harper:
Not much. I've been gaining a little weight for some reason. Maybe 'cause I haven't been sleeping well.

Dr. Linda Freeman:
[looks at him, as he keeps stuffing himself with another pudding] Yeah, that's probably it.

Charlie Harper:
Oh, and this one girl I've been seeing pretty regularly decided to dump me.

Dr. Linda Freeman:
Huh.

Charlie Harper:
*Huh* what?

Dr. Linda Freeman:
Oh, nothing, it's just... sometimes I feel like I'm stealing your money.

Dr. Linda Freeman:
[talking about Chelsea] Why did she dump you?

Charlie Harper:
Who can understand a woman's mind?

Dr. Linda Freeman:
Yeah, we're pretty little puzzles, ain't we?

Charlie Harper:
So, it's not just me.

Dr. Linda Freeman:
[about Chelsea dumping him] So, how did you feel about losing her?

Charlie Harper:
What do you mean?

Dr. Linda Freeman:
What do I mean? Come on, Charlie. Dr. Seuss could diagnose this. You're stuffing yourself with crap to suppress your negative feelings.

Charlie Harper:
No, I'm pretty sure that's why I drink.

Charlie Harper:
[talks about his therapist] You should meet her.

Chelsea:
Are you suggesting we go to couples counseling?

Charlie Harper:
Sure. I mean, I want to work on our relationship, and what better way than couples counseling?

Chelsea:
You're serious.

Charlie Harper:
Well, of course I'm serious. What, you think I'd blurt out something like that in the spur of the moment in a desperate attempt to keep you from leaving?

Chelsea:
It occurred to me.

Charlie Harper:
[in a couples counseling sessions] Chelsea, look. I know I'm not perfect.

Dr. Linda Freeman:
[chuckles]

Charlie Harper:
Hey, hey, hey!

Dr. Linda Freeman:
I'm sorry. That was probably unprofessional.

Charlie Harper:
You've been to couples counseling, right?

Alan Harper:
Yeah. Why?

Charlie Harper:
I'm going with Chelsea and I need to know what I'm getting into.

Alan Harper:
Oh, you're going to love it.

Charlie Harper:
I am?

Alan Harper:
Absolutely. Once a week, you sit on a couch with your significant other while she snips off your testicles, reaches up inside your chest cavity and goes like this [flicks his finger several times] to your heart.

Charlie Harper:
[grimacing] That doesn't sound very good.

Alan Harper:
[grinning maniacally] Oh, it's horrible! But it's worth it, because you're paying a stranger to watch while your life goes down the toilet. Along with your money, and your house, and your car, and [shouting] every last shred of your self-respect!

Charlie Harper:
You know, maybe you're not the right guy to ask.

Alan Harper:
Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm the perfect guy to ask. When Judith and I started, we were just a couple with a few problems. When we finished, [shouting] I came to live on your couch! God BLESS couples counseling!

Alan:
Charlie?

Charlie:
What?

Alan:
You kicked me in your sleep!

Charlie:
Who said I was asleep?

Charlie:
You still have grease in your hair. Didn't you wash it?

Jake:
You didn't say to wash my hair.

Charlie:
Wash your hair!

[Jake goes into the bathroom]

Rose:
You didn't tell him to rinse.

Charlie:
Good, that's good. Thank you. Jake! *Rinse*!

Rose:
So you like this dress better?

Charlie:
Hang on, Rose. The kid's running around the deck in his underwear.

Rose:
Well sure. But when I do it, you *just* ignore me.

Rose:
I'm so worried he's not going to like me.

Charlie:
He's going to love you, Rose. Just go out, have a great time, and don't come on too strong.

Rose:
Me, too strong? What do you mean?

Charlie:
Okay, well, speaking from my own experience, there's nothing wrong with asking a guy for a blood test, but to actually try to take the blood *yourself* is a little strong.

Rose:
I see.

Rose:
I wish Randy could see what you see.

Charlie:
Forget about him. Come on, I'm going to take you to dinner.

Rose:
Really?

Charlie:
[starts going to door] Yeah, sure, why not?

[opens door, pauses, then closes door and turns to face Rose]

Charlie:
Hey, uh, I thought you said his name was Andy.

Rose:
What did I say?

Charlie:
You said Randy.

Rose:
No, I didn't. Andy's a real guy. I didn't make him up.

Charlie Harper:
I don't know why you get so worked up about it. The kid's obviously destined to sell tube socks from the back of his car.

Alan Harper:
A business of his own. Gee, that'd be swell.

Angie:
If a child doesn't grow up in a nurturing environment, he develops a big hole inside that can never be filled.

Charlie Harper:
Oh, I have such a big hole. If my hole could talk.

Alan Harper:
Bite me. That's chapter one in my upcoming book, "Bite Me". Chapter two is "Kiss My Pale White Ass!"

Alan Harper:
What were you going to do about the book report?

Jake Harper:
You mean beside the earthquake?

Alan Harper:
Yes.

Jake Harper:
I kinda had all my eggs in the earthquake basket.

Charlie Harper:
Sure wish you didn't take all that LSD when you were having him.

Alan Harper:
I didn't take LSD.

Charlie Harper:
You might want to start telling people that.

Alan:
Charlie, when I moved in here, I said that is was vital that we create a wholesome atmosphere for Jake, and you said, "I understand".

Charlie:
Alan, there's something you should know about me. When I say "I understand", it doesn't mean I agree. It doesn't mean I understand. It doesn't even mean I'm listening to you.

Alan:
Charlie, there is a half-naked woman in our kitchen.

Charlie:
Which half?

Alan:
Hey! Where've you been?

Charlie:
I just had lunch with my mother, and my stalker... They spent the afternoon eating off each other's plates and discussing my fear of intimacy.

Alan:
Can we talk about this picture that Jake drew?

Charlie:
What's to talk about? He's a boy. He saw a woman's ass. He liked it! Thank your lucky stars it wasn't the cable guy's ass, and move on!

Alan:
[sarcastically] Are you happy?

Charlie:
Yeah, I have my moments, but they're becoming further apart.

Charlie:
Congratulations, Alan. You've managed to take the fun out of b*obs.

Charlie:
Jeeze Alan, I don't sleep with every buff surfer-chick that uses my shower. What kind of guy do you think I am?

Alan:
I think you're the luckiest bastard to walk the face of the earth, but, that's not my point. I - I - I don't want women flashing their butt tattoos at my son.

Charlie:
[answers the door] Hey, Judith. Alan's at work.

Judith Harper:
[really upset] I know where Alan is. I came to talk to you.

Charlie:
Me? But you don't like me.

Judith Harper:
I don't.

Charlie:
[smiling] I like you.

Judith Harper:
Jake's fourth grade class was given a simple assignment. Draw something interesting you see around the house. One child drew a record player, another drew a parrot. My son drew this.

Judith Harper:
[gets a picture out of her purse] A woman's behind with a butterfly tattoo.

Charlie:
[pensively] On the right cheek. I'll have to just act surprised.

Judith Harper:
I asked him where he saw this. He said, "In Uncle Charlie's kitchen."

Charlie:
Well, you gotta admit, it beats the hell out of a parrot!

Charlie Harper:
Remember those songs I recorded last week?

Jake Harper:
Those songs sucked.

Charlie Harper:
Of course they sucked. They're kid's songs.

Charlie Harper:
Hey, guess what?

Alan Harper:
There's no God?

Charlie Harper:
On the contrary. There is a God, and he love me long time.

Charlie Harper:
Who knew there were book stores for kids?

Alan Harper:
Everyone but you.

Charlie Harper:
[on phone] Well, I'm not going to do it. What are you going to do, sue me? Really? Can he sue me?

Alan Harper:
Did you sign a contract.

Charlie Harper:
[back on phone] What time do I go on?

Charlie Harper:
Oh, Raffi, you magnificent son of a b*tch. How does he do it? What does he have that I don't?

Alan Harper:
Well, judging from first impressions, a genuine love of children and bladder control.

Charlie Harper:
That was a cheap shot.

Alan Harper:
I take them when I can.

Charlie:
The poster is meant to smell like Maple Syrup- like me.

Alan:
What they couldn't make it smell like Bourbon?

Jake Harper:
So, when are you gonna be on TV?

Kandi:
I have to pass the audition first. Let's not put the cart before the whores.

Alan Harper:
Horse.

Kandi:
[clears throat] Maybe a little. I've been rehearsing all day.

Evelyn Harper:
It doesn't matter, darling. You're here, you're queer. I'm used to it.

Charlie Harper:
[Repeated line] Okey-dokey-artichokey!

Alan Harper:
If we're going to be a couple, I wanna' be the husband.

Charlie Harper:
[Mockingly] Who's gonna' believe you're the husband!

Alan Harper:
Hey, of the two of us, I'm the only one who's *been* a husband!

Charlie Harper:
[Mockingly] You really thought you were the husband in your marriage?

Alan Harper:
Nevertheless... I'm going to be the husband in *this* one.

Charlie Harper:
[Said after Alan walks out of the room] Well, la-di-dah!

Berta:
[Walking up to him while he reads a paper with his back turned to her] Charlie, you and me gotta have a conversation! [Without looking at her, he hands her 2 $100 bills. She takes them and looks at them] Nice talking to you.

Alan Harper:
Let's just give it a chance, to see how it works?

Charlie Harper:
That's what Poland said about the Germans.

Alan Harper:
Been watching History Channel again?

Charlie Harper:
It's Nazi week.

Alan Harper:
It's always Nazi week.

Jake Harper:
Hey, you may think I'm dumb, but you overestimate me.

Alan Harper:
[to Charlie] I'm going to go get Jake, but I'll leave the front door unlocked in case Satan shows up to collect your soul.

Charlie Harper:
She still busting your chops about what Jake said? Look, blame it on me; tell her I'm sorry.

Alan Harper:
She won't buy it.

Charlie Harper:
Sure she will. Women are suckers for a good apology. Just keep shoveling it on, 'til roses start growing in it.

Alan Harper:
Poor Satan. He'll come for your soul and he'll leave empty handed.

Alan Harper:
[about Charlie] See Jake, that's the big head talking.

Jake Harper:
But he only has one head.

Charlie Harper:
You want to tell him or should we let him spin for a while.

Charlie Harper:
There's no pancakes, Rose.

Alan Harper:
Because Jake's not here.

Berta:
Cause Charlie's an idiot.

Rose:
Oh, why? I mean why is Jake not here? Not why is Charlie an idiot.

Alan Harper:
Because we *know* that.

[first lines]

Alan:
[sits next to Jake] Hey.

Jake:
[playing a video game on TV] Hi.

Alan:
So... what's going on in school?

Jake:
Nothing.

Alan:
Nothing? You just sit there all day and stare at the wall?

Jake:
That's where the clock is...

Alan:
Well, I - I find it hard to believe you - you just watch a clock all day.

Jake:
Have you *seen* my report card?

Ricky:
[Jake sits for a hair cut] Oh my! Has Mommy been trimming your hair with her teeth?

Jake:
Hey! Can I get leather pants?

Charlie Harper, Alan:
No!

Jake:
Why not?

Charlie Harper:
'Cause you need something that lets the farts out.

Alan:
[Jake races to take a phone call] Okay, that's something we haven't seen before.

Charlie Harper:
Yeah. He only moves that fast when he's got the squirts.

Alan Harper:
[Finds Walden kissing the girl he likes] Hey I made room for - BETRAYAL! [Lassos Walden]

Walden Schmidt:
Dude, Seriously?

Charlie Harper:
[Alan drools over Charlie's sexy, French one-night-stand] Nice, huh?

Alan Harper:
Nice? She's magnificent!

Charlie Harper:
You should see her naked.

Alan Harper:
Can I?

Alan Harper:
[Charlie makes fun of Alan's bicycling outfit] Excuse me. This is what they wear in the Tour De France.

Charlie Harper:
[referring to his French one-night-stand] Alan, I just *took* the "Tour De France", and the only thing I was wearing was a smile and a condom.

Lydia:
Oh Charlie, I almost forgot. I'm serving hors d'oeuvres for an open house tomorrow, so I'll need to borrow Berta for a couple of hours.

Berta:
Say what?

Lydia:
[to Berta] I'm talking to Charlie. You don't mind, do you?

Charlie Harper:
Mind? Well, uh...

Berta:
You want to borrow me? What am I, a carpet steamer?

Lydia:
I'm not saying I won't pay you, plus you can take home all the leftovers.

Berta:
Oh gee, why don't you just toss 'em in a big bowl and I'll eat 'em out in the yard?

Lydia:
Well, that's a little uncalled for. I thought I was doing you a favor.

Berta:
You wanna do me a favor? You take the money you were going to pay me, convert them into rolls of nickels, then bend over and - [Charlie cuts her off]

Berta:
I don't mind your girlfriends throwing an occasional thong or panties into the hamper, I just boil them and sell them at the swap meet. But this broad is taking advantage of my easygoing nature.

Charlie Harper:
Now to be fair, Lydia does have her positive attributes.

Berta:
Well, I ain't hitting any of them attributes, so I don't give a rat's ass.

Charlie Harper:
All right, all right.

Berta:
You know what she said to me, Charlie? She said I need to know my place around here.

Charlie Harper:
Oh she didn't.

Berta:
Ah, but she did. Is that true, Charlie? Do I need to know my place around here?

Charlie Harper:
No Berta, we all know your place.

Berta:
And where is that place Charlie?

Charlie Harper:
Wherever you want it to be.

Berta:
There is only room for one alpha dog in this house.

Charlie Harper:
I know.

Berta:
And who is that alpha dog, Charlie?

Charlie Harper:
You are.

Berta:
Say it.

Charlie Harper:
You're the alpha dog.

Berta:
Aw, you sweet talker you. [she kisses Charlie on the cheek, looks down and picks up her basket] We'll just pretend that's morning wood.

Walden Schmidt:
He gets spilled all the time. At this point he's mostly lint.

Charlie Harper:
Hey, Berta, how have you been washing my underwear?

Berta:
Like I do everything else around here: with a song on my lips, and love in my heart.

Charlie Harper:
I'm serious. I got a rash in my, you know, private area.

Berta:
Private? You get any more traffic down there, you're gonna have to open a Starbucks.

Charlie Harper:
Yeah, well, I thought maybe you'd changed laundry soap, 'cause it's all red and itchy, especially right around...

Alan Harper:
Excuse me! I'm sitting here eating a breakfast sausage.

Charlie Harper:
It's not a sausage problem. It's more in the meatball area. Kinda meatball-adjacent.

Alan Harper:
I've got you a little present. Your very own cell phone.

Jake Harper:
Oh, cool!

Alan Harper:
Now, the important thing to remember is that this is not a toy. It's to use in emergencies only.

Jake Harper:
Emergencies? What emergencies?

Charlie Harper:
[Pretending to use a cell phone] Dad, come get me! I'm stuffed in my locker and my underwear is wet!

Alan Harper:
That only happened once.

Charlie Harper:
If that drug-sniffing dog hadn't found you, you'd have missed Thanksgiving.

Alan Harper:
Now, about race riots...

Charlie Harper:
Try not to take sides.

Alan Harper:
If anybody asks, you're mulatto.

Alan Harper:
[taking a photo of Jake before he gets on the bus] Smile.

Jake Harper:
About what?

Alan Harper:
I need a current photo in case you go missing.

Charlie Harper:
Alan, don't be ridiculous. They never find those kids.

Charlie Harper:
When the Good Lord was handing out courage, you were hiding in your locker peeing in your gym socks.

Alan Harper:
I had three Mr. Pibbs at lunch.

Jake Harper:
I bet it's swamp ass.

Charlie Harper:
What's swamp ass?

Berta:
Don't worry. You'd know if you had swamp ass.

Jake Harper:
Man, I hate swamp ass.

Alan Harper:
You sure it's just a rash?

Charlie Harper:
What else could it be?

Alan Harper:
Well, since we're talking about your private area, it can be anything from ebola to mad cow disease.

Alan Harper:
Things will go great for you. You just have to remember a few things.

Jake Harper:
Like what?

Alan Harper:
Well, always keep your money in your shoe, but have some spare change in your pocket.

Jake Harper:
How come?

Alan Harper:
Decoy money. They won't stop hitting you 'til they get something.

Jake Harper:
Who are they?

Alan Harper:
The big kids, holding you by your ankles and plunging your head in the toilet.

Jake Harper:
[Worried look on face] Plunging my head in the toilet?

Charlie Harper:
D-don't, don't, don't, don't freak the kid out, Alan. It's not so much plunging as... dipping.

Berta:
Make friends with the janitor. They usually have their own bathroom.

Jake Harper:
OK.

Berta:
Just never drink out of his Thermos.

Jake Harper:
All right.

Berta:
And don't believe him if he tells you he loves you. Damn it, I miss that one-eyed son-of-a-b*tch!

Charlie Harper:
[Showing his genital rash] What do you think?

Dr. Prajneep:
Well, it looks like an allergic reaction. Have you been applying anything to your genital region?

Charlie Harper:
Just the usual - waitresses and actresses.

Alan Harper:
Remember, Jake, courage is not the absence of fear, it's taking action despite fear.

Chelsea:
You have a girlfriend, Jake?

Jake Harper:
That's kinda personal, isn't it?

Chelsea:
I just want to know.

Jake Harper:
Why? Are you writing a book?

Charlie Harper:
Yeah, it's called "The Day Uncle Charlie Kicked Your Ass."

Chelsea:
[after Jake is rude to her] I don't get it? What did I do?

Charlie Harper:
I'll tell you what you did. You anthropomorphized him.

Chelsea:
What?

Charlie Harper:
It means treating something as human when it's really not. Kinda like what you do with your cat, which, frankly, makes more sense.

Alan Harper:
Just like in high school.

Melissa:
I never did this in high school.

Alan Harper:
Sex in a car? You're kinda built for it.

Charlie Harper:
He's just a teenager. You know, that awkward phase between junior high and methadone clinic.

Chelsea:
He didn't even say thank you.

Charlie Harper:
He's leaving the room. We should be thanking him.

Alan:
Jake, are you praying?

Jake Harper:
It's OK, I'm not in school.

Charlie:
Are you going home?

Berta:
No, the opera, they can't finish until I sing.

Charlie Harper:
Wow... I get more tongue from my butcher.

Alan Harper:
I am in trouble here, Charlie. How-how do I get out of a stagnant, joyless relationship?

Charlie Harper:
If I knew how to do that, you wouldn't still be living here.

Charlie Harper:
I once handed a date my Visa so she could pump gas for me. And on my next statement there were charges for a boob job, and a PlayStation 3. And I never got to play with either one of them.

Jake Harper:
[Charlie and Jake are watching 'Jaws'] This movie is stupid.

Charlie Harper:
This movie is a classic.

Jake Harper:
It's been 40 minutes and we haven't even seen the shark yet.

Charlie Harper:
That's because they're building suspense. Letting you use your imagination.

Jake Harper:
You know what I'm imagining? A better movie.

Alan Harper:
Since when do you make chili?

Charlie Harper:
[drunk] There's a lot you don't know about me, Alan. I am a man of many layers. Strata, if you will.

Alan Harper:
I see.

Charlie Harper:
A thin crust, magma and a chewy nougat center.

Alan Harper:
Great. Uh... anyway, tomorrow I have to go the DMV to get my license renewed.

Charlie Harper:
Ah, cars. Where would we be without cars? And how would we get there? [drops an onion] Run, run, you're free!

Alan Harper:
Listen, I... I need to ask you for a favor.

Charlie Harper:
[drunk] Your needs. Your needs. What about my needs?

Alan Harper:
Are you capable of having a conversation?

Charlie Harper:
Capable? I just spent twenty minutes discussing open-toed shoes with a fat man from Rangoon. He's a Rangooooooonian.

Alan Harper:
We'll talk in the morning.

Charlie Harper:
I wouldn't count on it.

Charlie Harper:
Go ahead, you talk. I'll cook.

Alan Harper:
It's 11:30. What are you cooking?

Charlie Harper:
Good question. And I can give you the answer in two words: my famous homemade chili.

Charlie Harper:
[drunk] Thank you for transporting me home. You are a terrific cab driver and I hope some day to visit your country. Damn, where is that key? Here key, key, key, key, key, key, key, key, key, key, key, key! Ah-ha! Hello, key. [door won't open] Oh, no. Wrong house. I'm lost!

[Alan opens the door from the inside]

Alan Harper:
Hello?

Charlie Harper:
Oh, hey, Alan! Come on in.

Alan Harper:
Why don't you come in here?

Charlie Harper:
I can't. I lost my key. [shows his keys] Daaaaaah!

Alan Harper:
Had a... a few cocktails, did we?

Charlie Harper:
Me too.

Rose:
When your sink is clogged, you call a plumber. When your car breaks down, you call a mechanic. When you have a dangerous psychopath after you, you call me.

Charlie Harper:
[to Rose as she gets in her Taxi] Yeah, right. I'll see you tomorrow. [goes into Rose's empty apartment. Sits down] Maybe I won't see you tomorrow.

Alan Harper:
I'm not gay. I'm literate and urbane and that confuses people.

Leanne:
What can I get you?

Rose:
Grain alcohol, please.

Leanne:
We don't have grain alcohol.

Rose:
Okay, uh, just a Sprite.

Beverly:
I guess you've noticed I'm a little taller than 5'9"

Alan Harper:
Oh, yeah, but, uh, everybody fudges a little on those dating profiles. How tall are you?

Beverly:
5'13".

Rose:
[Rose has been lying next to Charlie in bed for a while without him knowing] I just thought you'd like to know that your brother's sleepwalking again.

Charlie Harper:
And you had to get into bed with me to tell me that?

Alan:
[Alan is sleep walking] Gort. Klatuu, barada, nikto.

Charlie:
What?

Alan:
[seductively] You know...

Alan:
[Alan's take-out is wrong] I'm gonna call that restaurant, and give them a piece of my mind.

Charlie Harper:
That's smart. Scream at the people who handle your food.

Alan Harper:
Where did you meet a nine-year-old?

Jake Harper:
She's in my math class.

Alan Harper:
Is she one of those advanced students?

Jake Harper:
Sadly, no. But she does help me with my homework.

Jake Harper:
Maybe she has an STD. That means sexually transmitted disease.

Charlie Harper:
I know what it means!

Alan Harper:
Your uncle helped invent them.

Chelsea:
Could you go to the pharmacy for me?

Charlie Harper:
For you, I would go to the ends of the Earth. [to himself] Coming back is a different question.

Charlie Harper:
You know, I just realized something.

Alan Harper:
That cough syrup and hard liquor don't mix?

Charlie Harper:
No, they're delightful.

Chelsea:
[wakes up sick in the middle of the night] Maybe I should go home.

Charlie Harper:
Well, if you think that's the right thing to do...

Chelsea:
[angry] Charlie! It's the middle of the night and I'm sick! I'm *not* going home!

Charlie Harper:
Then why'd you say you were?

Chelsea:
I was testing you.

Charlie Harper:
Yeah... well... I knew that and I was testing you. I think we both did very well.

Russell:
[at pharmacy] What else?

Charlie Harper:
Uhm... let's see. Cough syrup.

Russell:
Regular or codeine?

Charlie Harper:
Don't you need a prescription for codeine?

Russell:
What are you, a cop?

Charlie Harper:
[Alan is about to watch The Bridges of Madison County on tv] Hey! What are you doing up?

Alan Harper:
Watching a Clint Eastwood movie...

Charlie Harper:
[Minutes later] This isn't a Clint Eastwood movie.

Alan Harper:
Yes, it is.

Charlie Harper:
Even Clint Eastwood doesn't think this is a Clint Eastwood movie.

Berta:
[about Charlie's behavior around Mia] Considerate?

Charlie Harper:
Yeah, see, I love Mia, and I want her to be happy, and I happen to know she's not happy when I smoke cigars, and drink and gamble and stay out all night and eat meat and sugar and grease and fat and nap and swear and wear shorts, bowling shirts...

Berta:
Charlie, you ain't just whipped, you're roped, saddled, and gelded. They could use you to give rides at kids' birthday parties.

Berta:
[to Charlie] How do you feel about taking a whore's bath with a hunk of blue cheese?

Jenny:
[hungover] Can we turn down the lights?

Alan Harper:
You mean the sun?

Jenny:
I hate the sun, it's like god calling you an alcoholic.

Alan Harper:
Well. Here we are, buddy. Just like old times, huh? I'm talking, and you're in the bottle, ignoring me.

Alan Harper:
Now, the question is: what do we do with you? I know what you said you wanted, but I really don't think Pamela Anderson would agree to swallow your ashes.

Alan Harper:
Are you okay?

Walden Schmidt:
Yeah, I'm fine. I was just trying to drown myself.

Walden Schmidt:
Do you have a wetsuit?

Alan Harper:
It can't be that bad.

Walden Schmidt:
It could be. You don't know!

Alan Harper:
Why don't you and I go out and have a drink and talk?

Walden Schmidt:
About what?

Alan Harper:
I don't know. The weather? Politics? Why somebody would wanna kill themselves when they have a billion freaking dollars?

Alan Harper:
Nobody likes the tastes of alcohol. We like the effects of alcohol! It makes you feel tall, good looking and smart.

Walden Schmidt:
I am tall, good looking and smart.

Walden Schmidt:
I'm Walden.

Berta:
I'm impressed!

Walden Schmidt:
Guess what? I had sex with two girls last night.

Alan Harper:
Great! Um, I masturbated and cried myself to sleep.

Walden Schmidt:
I like my night better.

Walden Schmidt:
He's gonna move out at some point, right?

Berta:
[touching his face] You are SO cute!

Alan Harper:
We had to sell the house in Malibu.

Lyndsey:
So where are you living?

Alan Harper:
The house in Malibu.

Lyndsey:
Wait, what?

Alan Harper:
Oh, it's actually a funny story. Uh, the fellow who bought it is actually an incredibly rich internet guy who went through a bad divorce, and he's lonely and needs a friend, so he asked me to stick around for a while.

Lyndsey:
What's the funny part?

Alan Harper:
He actually thinks I'm gonna leave someday.

Walden Schmidt:
[to Alan] Forget it! I'm not going to a bar!

Baker:
Hey, sling! Where do you keep the plunger?

Walden Schmidt:
I am going to a bar.

Baker:
Well hello, little girl.

Berta:
Hi, big daddy. You get everything?

Baker:
Hell yeah. Beer, bucket of drumsticks, and nine magic fingers!

Berta:
Let's go! [both Berta and Baker start for the bedroom]

Walden Schmidt:
Uh, Berta? What's going on?

Berta:
What's it look like? I'm going to get drunk, eat some chicken, and rock this old man's world!

Walden Schmidt:
[to himself] I've got ten fingers and a billion dollars, and this guy's getting more action than me!

Laura Lang:
Now.

Charlie:
What?

Laura Lang:
I want you... *now*!

Alan Harper:
Charlie, stop sniffing the paralegals.

Nadine:
I want to help teach people to read.

Walden Schmidt:
Oh, that's noble. So, you want to be a teacher.

Nadine:
No, I want to be the next Vanna White.

Chuck Lorre:
Winning.

Christian Slater:
I'm telling ya, I'm not Charlie Harper.

Lieutenant Wagner:
Who are you?

Christian Slater:
My name is Cristian Slater. I'm an actor, alright. I was in a bar, this guy hands me a drink. Next thing I know, I wake up in a hotel room dressed like a twelve year old, with a screaming woman in the closet.

Lieutenant Wagner:
Yeah right. And I'm the governor of California.

Walden Schmidt:
Looks like someone's celebrating the 12 steps of Christmas.

Charlie Harper:
I don't pay you to mock me.

Berta:
Charlie, you'd have to pay me not to.

Evelyn:
[Jake is complaining about having fruit for breakfast] Oh, well, I'm sorry sweetheart. If I'd known you were coming, I'd have stocked up on crap.

Jake Harper:
Well, maybe we can go crap shopping later.

Jake Harper:
[comes in from shopping with his Dad, wearing a very oversized shirt] Just once, I'd like to get clothes that fit *now*!

Alan Harper:
Well, quit going through puberty, and we'll talk about it.

Alan Harper:
[arguing with Charlie over a bowl he wants to put in the living room; he asks Charlie's date her opinion. She thinks it looks fine] See. Two against one.

Charlie Harper:
There's no voting! You're just a free-loader, and she's just some one-night-stand I picked up in a ba... oh damn.

Jake Harper:
[minutes after hearing glass break] I heard something break.

Charlie Harper:
And you're just coming out now?

Jake Harper:
I was establishing my alibi.

Jake Harper:
All right, there's a 24-hour chapel in Vegas. If we hurry, we can get there before it closes.

Berta:
I could bite that ass like an apple.

Walden Schmidt:
Hey, Bridge, it's me again. What is the name of that shampoo I use that doesn't sting my eyes? [pauses] Baby shampoo?

Walden Schmidt:
I've known Bridget since high school.

Alan Harper:
Mhm. High school sweethearts. When I was in high school, I was dating the poster of Molly Ringwald.

Alan Harper:
I still have a buzzing in my ears!

Walden Schmidt:
I can't hear you, I have a buzzing in my ears!

Alan Harper:
Why don't we stop and have a drink.

Walden Schmidt:
Drinking is not the answer.

Alan Harper:
No, stopping is the answer!

Walden Schmidt:
Alan.

Alan Harper:
Yeah.

Walden Schmidt:
Why are you lying on top of me?

Alan Harper:
'Cause didn't wanna be on the bottom?

Charlie:
Look, Jake, I'm sorry about the Wendy thing, but there's nothing I can do about it. And I want us to be buddies again, I don't want you to hate me any more.

Jake:
I don't hate you.

Charlie:
Good.

Jake:
I'm just very disappointed in you.

Charlie:
Hey, I get enough of that crap from my mother.

Jake:
I understand.

Charlie:
Do you?

Jake:
No, I'm just tired and I don't care anymore.

Charlie:
Jake... I'm not alone in here. [in the shower with Wendy]

Jake:
Whoa... is it a girl?

Charlie:
hold on let me check [he goes back behind the shower curtain for a second before he reappears] oh yeah.

Charlie Harper:
[singing] When you're hungry at school, you need to know: paste, yes; boogers, no.

Jake:
You have to put a dollar in the swear jar. You said "ass".

Charlie:
Here's $20. That should cover me until lunch.

Jake:
Your mom is my grandma?

Charlie:
Yep.

Jake:
Grandma says you're a bitter disappointment.

[Charlie tells Jake he wrote the song to a cereal jingle]

Jake:
No lying?

Charlie:
Kid, if I wanted to lie to you, I would have said I wrote "Stairway to Heaven".

Alan Harper:
Now, what I think you need to do is to make a list. On one side, put what you don't like about our marriage, and on the other side, what you do.

Judith Harper:
Alan, sometimes when I think about coming home to you, I start crying in my car.

Alan Harper:
Okay, that would probably go on the "don't" side.

Alan:
[leaving a message on Charlie's aswering machine] Hey Charlie, my wife just kicked me out and I'm losing the will to live, are you there?

Alan:
Charlie, the key under the fake rock only works if it's with other rocks, not sitting on your doormat!

Alan:
She just throw me out after ten years!

Charlie:
How did you get in my house?

Chelsea:
What I mean is if we're going to see each other on a regular basis there should be some give and take.

Charlie Harper:
Based on last night we're pretty even steven in the give and take department and if I recall correctly, you're up one take.

Chelsea:
Hey, of the two of us, I'm the one with tennis elbow.

Alan Harper:
The office opens at 8:00.

Charlie Harper:
[shocked] O'clock?

Alan Harper:
[sarcastically] No, degrees.

Mr. Malinkovich:
Doc, how many more adjustments do you think I'm gonna need?

Alan Harper:
Well, Mr Malinkovich, uhm, let's see. My son won't graduate college 'til 2015, so... a lot.

Alan Harper:
[mad at Charlie for not answering his phone when Alan was calling with a problem] I just have to accept the fact that I - I can't count on anyone. Least of all an emotionally immature narcissist who thinks that the sun rises out of his navel and sets in his scrotum, and only *cares* about what lies between the two.

Berta:
[about Charlie] You gotta wonder how long he can keep burning that penis at both ends.

Berta:
[large chested, scary housekeeper, sternly talks to Jake] So. You like making fun of girls with big b*obs.

Jake Harper:
[looking pale] Not any more.

Charlie Harper:
["babysitting" Alan's office for a few hours] Don't worry about a thing. It's under control. You can count on me.

Alan Harper:
Oh, if I could believe even one of those things.

Alan Harper:
There is no one more sympathetic that I, to the plight of the large-breasted woman!

Mrs. Schmidt:
What the hell is wrong with you?

Alan Harper:
I don't know...

[pause]

Alan Harper:
I was a bottle baby.

Mrs. Schmidt:
Hey, bottle baby, I'm up here!

Alan:
Aren't you going to answer it?

Charlie:
Nope

Alan:
What if something happened to Mom?

Charlie:
We'll find out when Dorothy brings the broomstick.

Teddy Leopold:
Charlie, I'm in love with your mother.

Charlie:
B... But you could do so much better!

Alan Harper:
Are you aware that you haven't had a paying job in nine months?

Charlie Harper:
Are you aware that urine cures athlete's foot?

Jake Harper:
Did you get mom a present when you got divorced?

Alan Harper:
A present?

Jake Harper:
Yeah, you know, a memento of your time together.

Alan Harper:
Jake, buddy, you're the memento of our time together.

[Alan goes to Evelyn's to ask her for money]

Evelyn Harper:
[Comes to the front door dressed as a schoolgirl] What can I do for you, Alan?

Alan Harper:
[pause] Nothing. Never mind.

[Alan looks into signing up for drug trials]

Clinician:
In such cases, common side effects include dry mouth, hair loss, blurred vision, inflamed gums...

Alan Harper:
[Nervous] OK.

Clinician:
...mild nausea, heart palpitations, liver damage...

Alan Harper:
[More nervous] Wow!

Clinician:
...boils, shingles, sudden fainting and temporary darkening of the stools.

Alan Harper:
[Shocked] Dear God! How much do you pay people to do this?

Clinician:
$1,000 a week.

Alan Harper:
I'm in!

Charlie Harper:
Relax. Something will turn up.

Alan Harper:
[Ill after suffering the side effects from the drug trial] I'm pretty sure something's already turned up. I think I just dropped a third testicle.

Officer Roberts:
[to his partner, after releasing Alan to Charlie at their house's door] At least this clown didn't ask if I was Jewish.

Alan Harper:
You really enjoy screwing with me, don'tcha?

Naomi:
Hi, yeah, I think I have the wrong address.

Alan Harper:
Oh, you have the right address. [loudly] Charlie it's for you.

Charlie Harper:
Who is it?

Alan Harper:
Karma.

Charlie Harper:
What?

Alan Harper:
Your chickens have come home to roost.

Charlie Harper:
Karma? Chicken? Alan, what the hell are you talking about? [sees Naomi] Ewww... [yelling to the back room] Charlie, it's for you!

Charlie Harper:
Nice to see you... again.

Naomi:
Yeah, I don't think we've met.

Charlie Harper:
Really?

Naomi:
Really.

Charlie Harper:
[furiously to Alan] Are you trying to give me a stroke? [shoves Alan] Is that what you're trying to do?

Alan Harper:
[after confessing his fetish to Charlie notices Jake] How long have you been standing there?

Jake Harper:
Long enough to get very confused... So we have hot dogs, right?

Jake Harper:
It's your fault I have bad grades.

Judith Harper:
Why is it *my* fault?

Jake Harper:
Oh, you know.

Berta:
Charlie, Alan, I'd like you to meet my youngest daughter, Naomi, the light of my life. A little angel who swooped down from heaven and landed on a married man's penis.

Charlie Harper:
[Driving in a dangerous neighborhood] Oh God. I think I hit a dog.

Berta:
Don't worry it's just a rat. He's OK, he's getting up.

Berta:
[about her pregnant daughter] If she spent more time on her knees than her back she wount be in this situation.

Charlie Harper:
Not necessarily.

Berta:
Zippy!

Frankie:
[Alan is scooping pancakes onto Frankie's plate] Man, deep tissue massage, pancakes... if you had a TV on your forehead and could breathe through your ears, you'd be perfect.

Charlie Harper:
Hey, people who live in fat asses, shouldn't throw waffles.

Jake Harper:
[about his Dad's new girlfriend being at the house for Christmas] Where's she gonna sleep?

Alan Harper:
In my room.

Jake Harper:
Okay. Just remember the walls are thin, and I'm impressionable.

Berta:
So, which one of you is slipping the high hard one to Martha Stewart?

Alan Harper:
So you believe in the vengeful, Old-Testament Santa.

Alan Harper:
Will you look at that? They're bonding already!

Charlie Harper:
Alan, your kid would join the Taliban, if they made their own s'mores!

Sandy:
I find just a couple of drops of lemon juice on the dryer sheet really freshens up the whole load.

Berta:
Really? I find just a couple of Valiums in my coffee keeps me from snapping necks.

Alan Harper:
[Alan has a bad case of the flu, Charlie wants to tell him some 'great news'] There is no great news, there is no light at the end of the tunnel, there is no silver lining; there's just this hell on earth, and the slow wait for the sweet release of death.

Alan Harper:
[Charlie wants Alan to go on a double date] Alright, even if I weren't deathly ill, which I am, I wouldn't go on a blind double-date with *you*.

Charlie Harper:
Why not?

Alan Harper:
Summer of my junior year? The Seals & Croft concert? You got the incredible cheerleader, and I got her sister... the Incredible Hulk!

Charlie Harper:
Oh yeah, she really took a shine to you.

Alan Harper:
[imitating his date] "Sara like puny Alan".

Charlie Harper:
Alan, trust me. I've seen the sister, her name is Desiree.

Alan Harper:
I don't care what her name is!

Charlie Harper:
Desiree, Alan. That's like "Desire" with a "Yea!" at the end.

Charlie Harper:
Yeah, we're done. Now we're gonna get your father back on his feet.

Jake Harper:
How?

Charlie Harper:
Well... would you like to go see a bunch of naked b*obs?

Jake Harper:
[excited] Sure!

Alan Harper:
[shocked] Charlie!

Jake Harper:
[looking around at a sauna full of fat, sweaty men] This was a dirty trick, Uncle Charlie.

Alan:
[looks at a picture of the pretty actress that will be his date] That her?

Alan:
[blows his nose] I'm cured!

Charlie:
Oh, come on Alan, her name is Desiree. That's like Desire with a "yay"on it.

Charlie Harper:
What's your problem?

Jake Harper:
My problem is you're a sleazeball.

Charlie Harper:
Oh? Is that so?

Alan Harper:
Oh, please. You're in a committed relationship with a wonderful woman and the minute her back is turned, you're out gallivanting.

Jake Harper:
Gallivanting?

Alan Harper:
Screwing around.

Jake Harper:
Why don't you just say screwing around?

Charlie Harper:
Hey, as we speak, Chelsea is out there doing the same thing.

Alan Harper:
Oh, really? She's pouring liquor down the throat of an inebriated party girl?

Jake Harper:
Inebriated?

Alan Harper:
Drunk.

Jake Harper:
Jeez, who are you showing off for?

Alan Harper:
Forget it. You are not driving my car until you get a learner's permit.

Jake Harper:
Not even in the driveway?

Alan Harper:
Not anywhere.

Jake Harper:
What if you have a heart attack. Can I drive you to the hospital?

Alan Harper:
No, call an ambulance.

Jake Harper:
Fine. If they don't get here in time, can I have your car?

Charlie Harper:
[Charlie's girlfriend is out of town, so he proposes that he and Alan and Jake do something together] So, what's it gonna be? A movie? Bowling? Putt-putt? Nevada cat house?

Jake Harper:
I vote for cat house.

Alan Harper:
Do you even know what a cat house is?

Jake Harper:
Not first hand, that's why I voted for it.

Alan Harper:
A movie would be fine.

Charlie Harper:
Allright. A movie it is. What's out that's good?

Jake Harper:
There's a new pirate movie. It's rated Rrrrrrr. [he pauses, no-one reacts]

Jake Harper:
You guys have no sense of humor.

Teddy:
Charlie, I need you to do me a favor.

Charlie Harper:
Anything.

Teddy:
Stay away from my daughter.

Charlie Harper:
Seriously, ask something else.

Evelyn:
So I just naturally assumed that something had come up that was more important than your father's happiness.

Courtney:
Well, Evelyn, you know what they say about assuming... when you assume, you're just a b*tch.

Evelyn:
Pardon, there are children present.

Jake Harper:
She means me, but I'm fine with it.

Alan Harper:
Why would you need a Bentley?

Charlie Harper:
Nobody needs a Bentley, just as nobody needs to date a twenty-year old. But if you're going to have one, it doesn't hurt to have the other.

Alan Harper:
I'm not taking the fall for you.

Charlie Harper:
When have you ever taken the fall for me?

Alan Harper:
I don't know, but somehow it always works out that whenever you get laid, I get screwed!

Alan Harper:
I hate to say it, but Chelsea's right.

Charlie Harper:
You don't hate it.

Alan Harper:
Did I say I hate to say it? What I meant to say was I can't wait to say it.

Charlie Harper:
You know, there was a time it would have worked.

Alan Harper:
Yes, with your silicone simpletons. But Chelsea is too smart for your crap.

Charlie Harper:
Yeah. Plus, there's no silicone in those babies.

Alan Harper:
Darn. I owe Bertha five bucks.

Charlie Harper:
[Gives Chelsea a key] Here.

Chelsea:
What is it?

Charlie Harper:
Alan's house key.

Chelsea:
Why?

Charlie Harper:
I want you to move in with me. Plus, Alan pissed me off last night.

Charlie Harper:
I tried, Alan. I really tried.

Alan Harper:
Yes, you did. You gave it a whole... [looks at watch]... hour and twenty minutes. Hey, now Bertha owes me five bucks.

Charlie Harper:
What happened to my towels?

Chelsea:
They didn't match my shower curtain.

Charlie Harper:
What's wrong with my shower curtain?

Chelsea:
It didn't match your towels.

Charlie Harper:
Maybe that's how I tell them apart.

Charlie Harper:
[to Alan, the morning after getting drunk and sleeping with Rose] What I have to do now, is find my passport and head for the border. What you have to do is tell Rose that - that - that I was drunk, and I'm sorry, and that there's no reason to hunt me down and glue my testicles to my thigh... again.

Alan Harper:
[to Rose's father] You'll have to forgive my brother. He thinks with his penis, and his penis isn't very bright.

Evelyn Harper:
I think God gives us children so death won't come as *such* a disappointment.

Jake Harper:
Uncle Charlie, I'm an underachiver, not an idiot.

Berta:
[Berta tops off her coffee with rum, takes a swig out of the bottle and smacks her lips] Mmmm... that's good coffee.

Alan Harper:
Good morning.

Berta:
It's getting there.

Charlie Harper:
[about Alan's upcoming colonoscopy] But I hear there's nothing to worry about, it's a tiny little camera. Count your blessings. In the old days, they'd send a sketch-artist up there.

Alan Harper:
[taken aback by Charlie's critique of his loud shirt he wants to wear to Las Vegas] Sh-Should I change?

Charlie Harper:
Ah... You should, but after all these years, I doubt you will.

[first lines]

Jake Harper:
[raining outside] Well, this is going to be a sucky weekend.

Charlie Harper:
Try spending it with an eleven-year-old who does nothing but complain.

Jake Harper:
You mean me?

Charlie Harper:
No wonder they gotta write your name in your underwear.

Charlie Harper:
I've got two grand in my pocket that's itchin' to turn into twelve bucks and a hangover.

Charlie Harper:
[making a hotel reservation] Okay, we are gonna need two rooms; one for Alan Harper and son, and one for Charlie Harper and a cocktail waitress to be named later.

Jake Harper:
[curious about his father's upcoming colonoscopy] Why do they have to do it?

Charlie Harper:
They just want to see what's going on up there.

Jake Harper:
Did Dad *loose* something? 'Cause when I swallowed thirty-five cents, we just waited for it to come out.

Charlie Harper:
No kiddin'.

Jake Harper:
Yeah, but I only got thirty cents back.

Charlie Harper:
Well, the house always takes a cut.

Alan Harper:
Do you really want to drive five hours through the desert with a puking kid in the back of your new Mercedes?

Charlie Harper:
He can stick his head out the window, and let the guy behind us worry about it!

Alan Harper:
[discussing Alan's colonoscopy] So, I'm really nervous about it.

Judith Harper:
[irritated] That's it?

Alan Harper:
Well, it's a long snakey thing with a camera!

Judith Harper:
Oh, please. Your son was ten pounds at birth, and his head was the same size it is now.

Judith Harper:
[to Alan, who doesn't believe Jake is sick] I'm not buying it. I'll be back to get him Monday night, and if I find out you went ahead and took him to Vegas, you'll be getting a colonoscopy from my attorney!

Charlie Harper:
[to Alan] I've seen your alimony checks; you already got one.

Charlie Harper:
[to Alan] I think, if she wanted to keep you on a leash like a neutered poodle, she shouldn't have divorced you.

Charlie Harper:
What profit a man, if he escapes the iron shackles of matrimony, only to surrender to the sexually-frustrated tyranny of a vengeful ex-wife.

Herb:
Oh Myra. This is Judith's first husband, Alan.

Alan Harper:
Hi.

Myra:
So, how does this work? Do you get your original testicles back, or does my brother give you his ?

Myra:
[Charlie and Myra are about to have sex] I don't want to put any pressure on you, but... I'm a virgin.

Charlie Harper:
[incredulous] What?

Myra:
You've got to stop sleeping with dumb girls. It's starting to rub off on you.

Alan Harper:
You know, Charlie, there's a special section in hell reserved for people like you.

Charlie Harper:
That's good. Because I'd hate to have to stand on line.

Charlie Harper:
[about Jake] You realize, that in one night, he did what we couldn't do in a lifetime?

Alan Harper:
He broke her.

Charlie Harper:
He chewed her up and spit her out.

Alan Harper:
It was a beautiful thing.

Charlie Harper:
Clearly he is the chosen one...

Alan Harper:
[speaking in awe] And they shall call him, "Jake."

Kimberly:
[takes a drink] I was raised by my Grandma. I called her "Nana".

Charlie Harper:
Is that so?

Kimberly:
[takes a drink] Yeah. I was raised by my Grandma. I called her "Nana".

Charlie Harper:
Uh huh.

Kimberly:
[takes a drink] Oh yeah, she was a big influence on me. She raised me. I called her, "Nana".

Charlie Harper:
Oh Jake... What have we done to you?

Evelyn Harper:
Excuse me. I didn't hear any complaints when I was raising you two.

Charlie Harper:
Really? The teen-age drinking, and constant running away wasn't a slight tip-off?

Jake Harper:
[just learned that he has to spend the night at Evelyn's] What did I ever do to you?

Alan Harper:
It's - it's not a punishment.

Jake Harper:
It's not a prize! I'm calling Mom!

Alan Harper:
No, no, no. No calling Mom.

Jake Harper:
I know my rights. I get one phone call.

Charlie Harper:
Give your Dad a break. So he lied. You don't get the virgin to the volcano by telling her you're gonna push her in!

Evelyn Harper:
Oh sweetheart, take it from me, spending time with one's children is greatly overrated.

Barry:
I got great news. Ice cream sandwiches are in the oven. They'll be ready in five.

Berta:
[describing Alan's receptionist Melissa] Tinkerbell with some knockers.

Alan Harper:
[resisting the temptation to romance his receptionist] I haven't checked, but I'm pretty sure my balls look like two-thirds of the Blue Man Group.

Charlie Harper:
[turns aside and yells] Berta! Hide the vacuum cleaner!

Berta:
Well, everybody makes that mistake once. I crossed that line in the '70s when I was cleaning house for Mr. Telly Savalas.

Charlie Harper:
You're kidding. TV's Kojak?

Berta:
One and the same.

Charlie Harper:
What happened?

Berta:
What do you think happened? He's Greek, a man of passion. You can't tie your shoes around those guys.

Charlie Harper:
That's rough.

Berta:
You bet your ass it's rough. [Alan walks in]

Alan Harper:
Morning.

Charlie Harper:
Morning.

Berta:
So, Zippy. I hear you've been sinking your putts on the company golf course.

Alan Harper:
Thanks for telling her.

Charlie Harper:
Thanks for telling me.

Berta:
Word of advice: It may seem like fun and games at the beginning, but mark my words. Sooner or later, you're gonna wake up with a broken heart and a lollipop stuck to your keister.

Alan Harper:
I didn't do the dog people-style.

Alan Harper:
Man, I couldn't score a women like that even if my semen cured cancer.

Alan Harper:
Let me just get Charlie's personal stuff out of here. Oh, here is some of his unfinished music. Um... panties. Panties... Panties... Waterpipe... Oh, vibrator.

Walden Schmidt:
So we're talking songs, thongs, bongs and chauns.

Alan Harper:
If he had an autobiography, that would be the title.

Walden Schmidt:
[about the bartender] She's nice.

Alan Harper:
To you, sure. You're living in the world of nice.

Walden Schmidt:
That's because I'm nice to people and they're nice back to me.

Alan Harper:
No, it's because you're tall, rich and good looking.

Walden Schmidt:
And nice!

Melanie:
Is this your house?

Alan Harper:
Not exactly.

Melanie:
What do you mean?

Alan Harper:
I mean, after we fall in love and get married, it'll be our house.

Melanie:
Wow, you don't waste time, do you?

Alan Harper:
No. When I see what I want, I get right to the BS.

Melanie:
I'm Melanie. Melanie Hofland.

Alan Harper:
Oh. Nice to meet you, Melanie. I'm... [pauses] Charlie. Charlie Harper.

Berta:
[about Melanie and her dog] Which one did you tap?

Alan Harper:
I'll give you a hint. I didn't do the dog peoplestyle.

Jake Harper:
I think we have a problem.

Walden Schmidt:
Your father?

Jake Harper:
Yeah. He's acting like my uncle Charlie. He's even dressing like my uncle Charlie. The only thing left of my dad is his cheapness.

Walden Schmidt:
Hey, you remember that shrink you sent me to? Maybe you should go see her.

Alan Harper:
What for? I'm fine.

Walden Schmidt:
What's your name?

Alan Harper:
Charlie Harper.

Walden Schmidt:
You're not fine.

Alan Harper:
Winning!

Jake Harper:
Uncle Charlie never treated me like a stupid kid.

Alan:
That's nice.

Jake Harper:
He treated me more like a stupid person.

Alan:
I'll give you a hint, I didn't do the dog people style.

Alan Harper:
[to Trudy after Evelyn calls to cancel her double date] Uh, apparently, uh, your - your father mixed up his heart pills with his Viagra, and they - didn't wanna - waste the opportunity.

Charlie:
A clueless woman is a happy woman.

Trudy:
Remind me to get some clean urine from you before we go.

Charlie:
[on the phone with Alan, who is trying to ditch his drunk blind date]... Alan, Alan, calm down, calm down! Listen to me. Here's what you do. Take her to a crowded club, pin a warning note on her back as a courtesy to the next guy, and run like hell!... Well if you don't want my advice, why'd you call me?

[repeated line]

Alan Harper:
It's not a chick car!

Rose:
Hello Alan.

Alan Harper:
Rose. [Rose exits via the front door. Charlie and Alan stare at the door, bewildered]

Charlie Harper:
She used the front door?

Alan Harper:
Uh huh.

Charlie Harper:
She never uses the front door.

Alan Harper:
Uhn uh. [turns to Charlie] What happened out there?

Charlie Harper:
Nothing. I just told her Mia and I were getting married, and I could see her medication STOP working.

Mia:
She wanted to give me a shower!

Charlie Harper:
A bridal shower?

Mia:
An actual soap and water shower! I don't want her coming to the wedding!

Charlie Harper:
I don't want her in the same ZIP CODE!

Charlie Harper:
[after he's told Rose he's marrying Mia] I was afraid this would come as a big shock.

Rose:
Afraid? You have nothing to fear Charlie, I'm your friend. [smiles at Charlie]

Alan Harper:
[regarding Rose] What do you think she's going to do?

Charlie Harper:
It's not a question of what, it's a question of when and how am I going to enjoy my honeymoon with my testicles superglued to my asscrack.

Dr. Linda Freeman:
Father?

Charlie:
Dead.

Dr. Linda Freeman:
Mother?

Charlie:
Killed him.

Dr. Linda Freeman:
Would you like to discuss that?

Charlie:
We just did.

Alan:
I'm confused. Is she a mountain or a fish?

Charlie:
Doesn't matter. Either way, I'm gonna scale her. [exit]

Alan:
And you, why do you enable this behavior?

Berta:
Why? I'll tell you why. Because your brother is the embodiment of the can-do, roll-up-your-sleeve spirit that made this country great. He never gets discouraged; he goes after what he wants; and he doesn't know the meaning of the word quit. When any man, no matter how humble can't go out there and soil the loins of some hot little dancer well, I don't want to live in that America.

Berta:
[Exits singing] O, beautiful, for spacious skies for amber waves of grain...

Alan Harper:
[about Charlie] The man's got a heat-seeking missile in his pants.

Alan Harper:
[about Charlie] Why - why do you enable his bahavior?

Berta:
Why? I'll tell you why. Because your brother is the embodiment of the can-do, roll-up-your-sleeves spirit, that made this country great! He never gets discouraged, he goes after what he wants, and he doesn't know the meaning of the word "quit". And if the day should come, when any man, no matter how humble, can't go out there, and soil the loins of some hot little dancer, well... I don't want to live in that America!

Berta:
[starts singing as she leaves the kitchen] "Oh beautiful, for spacious skys, for amber waves of grain... "

Charlie Harper:
Ah man, I'm the *extra* guy!

Frankie:
You're gonna get laid tonight.

Alan:
[starts tearing up] I think I might cry again.

Charlie Harper:
[upset with Charlie when Jake discovers porn on Charlie's computer] Look, it's not hard-core. It's mostly her and a couple of friends having a pajama party.

Jake Harper:
[confused] I didn't see pajamas.

Berta:
Hey Charlie! Who do I work for? You? Or that fastidious parasite you call a brother?

Berta:
[to Charlie] That was some fall you took.

Charlie Harper:
Yea. If I hadn't been plastered, it might have killed me.

Berta:
You think the liquer industry would promote that.

Charlie Harper:
It *is* a selling point; right up there with making ugly people do-able.

Danielle:
Ah well, for the last eight years I've had a full-time career trying to spend my divorce settlement.

Charlie Harper:
Ohh, a working woman.

Berta:
Walk me through this again. She's beautiful, rich, divorced, and you want to hand her off to Zippy-the-Chimp? [talking about Alan]

Charlie Harper:
Ok, follow my reasoning here. This is a woman looking to settle down. If *I* sleep with her, I'm happy for one night. But, if I teach my *brother* to sleep with her, he falls in love, asks her to marry him, moves out, and I'm happy for the *rest* of my life.

Alan Harper:
[to Charlie] Because, there's only two reasons you *ever* set me up with a woman. Either you need somebody to keep the emotionally disturbed, or cross-eyed, or hermaphroditic best friend busy while you do the pretty girl, or... Ok. I guess there's just one reason.

Alan Harper:
[to Charlie] "I'm Sorry" does not make up for leaving me in a hotel room with a girl with a vestigial penis.

Berta:
She saw him for the mindless meat-seeking missle that he is.

Charlie Harper:
[to Alan]... Why wouldn't she want you?

Alan Harper:
I'm broke, middle-aged, twice divorced, sleeping on your hide-a-bed, and sharing custody of a flatulent, under-achieving son.

Charlie Harper:
[to his penis] Yes, I know she's hot, but I'm thinking long-term, so Shut Up!

Charlie:
[Referring to Chelsea] Last night, I told her 'I love you'. You know what she said?

Alan:
Uh, 'I'm still not going to let you do that'?

Berta:
I once loved a guy who didn't love me back.

Charlie:
What'd you do?

Berta:
Ninety days in county. Plus anger management classes. Which are abso-frickin'-lutely a waste of time.

Charlie:
Last night, in bed, I told her I loved her. And you know what she said?

Alan:
"I'm still not going to let you do that"?

Charlie:
She said, "Thank you."

Alan:
Ooh, that's an ice cube to the man sack.

Charlie:
I don't get it. I've gone the whole nine yards for this relationship. I gave her her own drawer in my bedroom. I stopped smoking cigars after sex. I even started seeing a shrink so I can be more sensitive, and I still can't get a freaking "I love you."!

Charlie:
[sarcastically] But you've obviously become more sensitive.

Charlie:
For what I've spent on therapy, I could get a couple of very expensive hookers who will say ANYTHING I want.

Alan:
There's that sensitivity again.

Charlie:
[enters Alan's room] Hey, Alan!

Alan:
[from bathroom] Ocupado!

Charlie:
[walks just into Alan sitting on a toilet] I got it! I got it! I got it! I got it! I know how to restore the balance of power with Chelsea.

Alan:
[nervously covers his legs with newspaper] Excuse me! What part of "ocupado" don't you understand? The "ocu" or the "pado"?

Charlie:
I understood it all. I was just hoping you were shaving.

Alan:
Well, I'm not! And as you well know, this is an uphill battle for me, even in the best of circumstances.

Charlie:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, but this is important.

Charlie:
I'm going to get an "I love you" from Chelsea.

Alan:
If you let me finish, you'll get one from me.

Charlie:
[shows an engagement ring] Check this out.

Alan:
Oh, Charlie, this is so sudden. If you wait a few minutes, I'll have a gift for you.

Alan:
Jake, for the last time, nobody got "creamed", no one won, no one lost.

Jake:
Yeah except for us, twelve to two.

Charlie:
Well it doesn't matter if you win or lose; it's whether or not you beat the spread.

Alan:
[Charlie has arranged a "play-date" for Jake] You're hitting on the Mother, aren't you?

Charlie:
Can't slip one past you, can I?

Alan:
That's not what a play-date is for.

Charlie:
What? The kid plays, and I have a date. Everybody wins.

[last lines]

Charlie:
Forget it, Jake. It's Sherman Oaks.

Charlie:
My brother, Alan, warned me not to go out with you tonight.

Kate:
That's funny. Everybody warned me not to go out with you.

Charlie:
Hey, it worked for Romeo and Juliet. Well, up and to the poison and the stabbing.

Kate:
Charlie, I have a confession. I haven't been out with a man other than my husband in 12 years.

Charlie:
That's not a problem. Couple of things have changed, but I can bring you up to date.

Kate:
Please do.

Charlie:
Alright, well. Now-a-days women pay for dinner. And, of course, sex is a given.

Kate:
Well, I'll tell you one thing, I am not paying for dinner.

Charlie:
Rats!

Charlie Harper:
[Charlie's locks himself in the bathroom] There is no Bad Alan. I'm the one who stole the Silly-Putty and put it in your pocket when you weren't looking. 3, 4, 5, 6, 7...

Alan Harper:
[starts pounding on the door, shouting] *Damn you to hell! Come out here and die like a man!*

Charlie Harper:
What do ya know? There is a Bad Alan.

Evelyn Harper:
[Alan is furious with Charlie] How are my boys doing this evening?

Evelyn Harper:
[no response] Burrrr... Well, I think Mommy has the answer. Alan, if you find it intolerable, living under the same roof with the brother who betrayed you, then you and Jake can come and live with me.

Alan Harper:
[thinks it over, turns to Charlie, shaking his hand] We're good.

Jake Harper:
[dinner did not agree with him] That deer didn't have antlers when I ate it, but it's sure coming out that way.

Alan Harper:
[tucking Jake in bed and talking, Jake passes gas] The lesson was... Oh... God... Jake! That's *awful*!

Jake Harper:
Yeah, I wish I could've saved that one for school.

Alan Harper:
[Charlie's fixing an Alka Seltzer] You too?

Charlie Harper:
Yeah. Apparently, Mom wasn't the only parasite at dinner tonight.

Charlie Harper:
Twenty-five years ago, I put Silly-Putty in my brothers pants.

Alan Harper:
You cracked the parental code on the cable box again, didn't you?

Jake Harper:
It's 1-2-3-4. A monkey could crack that.

Jake Harper:
Dad? If Uncle Charlie let you kick him in the nuts, would that make you guys even?

[last lines]

Charlie Harper:
Well, remember how you were a bed-wetter 'til you were eight?

Alan Harper:
Yeah.

Charlie Harper:
You actually stopped at six.

Alan Harper:
What? What-what did you do? Did you sneak into my room, and-and-and-and pour warm water on me while I was asleep?

Charlie Harper:
Yeah, okay. Let's say it was water, and let's say I poured it.

[Alan's jaw drops]

Charlie Harper:
Well, I feel better. How 'bout you?

Evelyn Harper:
So, dear...

Jake Harper:
What?

Evelyn Harper:
Do you see anything you like?

Jake Harper:
I don't know, what's venison?

Evelyn Harper:
Deer.

Jake Harper:
What?

Evelyn Harper:
Deer.

Jake Harper:
What?

Evelyn Harper:
Deer. d e e r.

Jake Harper:
What? w h a t.

Jake:
[Charlie has been hired to write the theme song for the "Oshikuru" cartoon] So, I'll be like, the first kid in the world to hear this?

Charlie:
Yep. Now, this is just a rough version, but you get an idea of the feel of it.

Jake:
Okay!

Charlie:
[begins to play piano, and sing] "Oh - Oh - Oh - Oh, Oshikuru, Oh - Oh - Oh - Oh, Oshikuru, My oh my he's a, demon samurai. Who's the guy who had to die"...

Jake:
Boy... that really blows.

Alan Harper:
But the truth is, you and I see each other every day, and we really don't know much about each other.

Berta:
So you want to know what goes on underneath this gruff exterior; whether somewhere inside me, there's a tiny little girl who once dreamed of being a famous ballerina?

Alan Harper:
Is there?

Berta:
If there is, it's because I accidentally ate one, and haven't passed her yet... Let me tell you, I am dreading that tiara.

Rose:
So, Alan. Tell me about yourself.

Alan Harper:
What would you like to know ?

Rose:
Everything. I really don't know that much about you, aside fromt he fact that you're Charlie's brother and Jake's dad. Graduated from Cal State Long Beach, married your college sweet heart, and sometimes in the middle of the night when you're half asleep you pee sitting down.

Alan Harper:
Have you been spying on me?

Rose:
No, silly. I spy on Charlie. You just get in the way sometimes.

Alan Harper:
You know what? Why don't you tell me about you?

Rose:
Well, okay. Well, let's see. I, too, pee sitting down, so we have that in common. I come from a wealthy family, so, I guess I've had kind of a sheltered life. You know, fancy private schools and colleges.

Alan Harper:
No kidding. What college did you go to?

Rose:
Princeton. But just for two years.

Alan Harper:
Oh. So, you dropped out.

Rose:
No, I finished. Then I came back to California to do my masters at Stanford.

Alan Harper:
That's amazing. What's your degree in?

[a lady goes to sit down in front of the two but Rose blows a raspberry on her wrist and the lady moves away]

Rose:
Behavioural psychology.

Alan Harper:
[Evelyn comes in with her lips grotesquely swollen] What happened to your mouth?

Evelyn Harper:
I just had a little procedure.

Alan Harper:
[astonished] What kind of procedure?

Charlie Harper:
They sucked some fat out of her ass, and shot it into her lips.

Alan Harper:
What did they do... use the *whole* ass?

Berta:
[to Evelyn] Man, the last time I seen a mouth like that, it was trying to eat Jacques Cousteau.

Jake Harper:
[to Evelyn] Dad says you've got your butt in your lips.

Alan Harper:
Just eat your dinner.

Jake Harper:
Hang on. So if you burp now, it'll really be a fart, right?

Alan Harper:
[Talking about Kandi] She thinks I'm special. She thinks I'm smart.

Charlie Harper:
She thinks gazpacho is Pinocchio's father!

Chelsea:
Can you explain this, Charlie?

Charlie Harper:
I'd love to.

Chelsea:
I'm waiting.

Charlie Harper:
I can't, that's why I said I'd love to.

Alan Harper:
[to Chelsea, who is leaving] Don't go!

Charlie Harper:
[to Melissa over the phone] Don't hang up!

Alan Harper, Charlie Harper:
I love you!

[Both look at each other]

Berta:
And I love you too.

Charlie Harper:
Sure you don't want a drink?

Alan Harper:
Drinking alcohol just makes me depressed.

Charlie Harper:
See, the trick is to drink past that. It's not a sprint, it's a marathon.

Dr. Herb Melnick:
I could get used to this.

Charlie Harper:
Don't get too comfortable.

Alan Harper:
As far as Charlie's concerned, mi casa es mi casa.

Charlie Harper:
What are you guys talking about?

Dr. Herb Melnick:
Masturbating at the YMCA.

Charlie Harper:
Really ? Just talk, right ?

Alan Harper:
Yeah, but the night is young.

Charlie Harper:
[Alan tells Charlie to ignore their Mother] Ignore her? It would be easier to ignore blood in my urine.

Alan Harper:
[Charlie is depressed] Hey. Can I get you anything?

Charlie Harper:
A length of rope, and a rickety stool?

Rose:
And that hemorrhoid cream - what was it called?

Charlie Harper:
Fire in the Hole.

Archie Baldwin:
Save the orphans! Woody Allen can't marry them all!