Sherlock

[Repeated line]

Sherlock Holmes:
Yes, obviously.

Sherlock Holmes:
The game is on.

Mycroft Holmes:
All lives end; all hearts are broken. Caring is not an advantage, Sherlock.

Moriarty:
So if you have what you say you have, I'll make you rich. If you don't, I'll make you into shoes.

Sherlock Holmes:
Oh, for God's sake! "The Speckled Blonde?"

[Sending John in the field, Sherlock looks at a case from the comfort of his apartment via webcam]

Sherlock Holmes:
Look, this is a 6. No point in my leaving the flat for anything less than a 7, we agreed. Now, go back. Show me the grass.

Dr. John Watson:
When did we agree that?

Sherlock Holmes:
We agreed it yesterday. Stop! Closer.

Dr. John Watson:
I wasn't even at home yesterday. I was in Dublin.

Sherlock Holmes:
It's hardly my fault you weren't listening.

[doorbell rings]

Sherlock Holmes:
[to the door] Shut up!

Dr. John Watson:
You just carry on talking when I'm away?

Sherlock Holmes:
I don't know. How often are you away?

Policeman:
Dr. Watson?

Dr. John Watson:
Yeah.

Policeman:
It's for you.

Dr. John Watson:
[reaches for phone] Okay, thanks.

Policeman:
Uh, no, sir. The helicopter.

Mycroft Holmes:
We are in Buckingham Palace, the very heart of the British nation. Sherlock Holmes, put your trousers on!

Mycroft Holmes:
This is a matter of national importance. Grow up!

Sherlock Holmes:
[dressed only in a bedsheet, on which Mycroft is standing] Get off my sheet!

Mycroft Holmes:
Or what?

Sherlock Holmes:
Or I'll just walk away.

Mycroft Holmes:
I'll let you!

Dr. John Watson:
Boys, please. Not here.

Sherlock Holmes:
Dominatrix...

Mycroft Holmes:
Don't be alarmed. It's to do with sex.

Sherlock Holmes:
Sex doesn't alarm me.

Mycroft Holmes:
How would you know?

Irene Adler:
Brainy's the new sexy.

Irene Adler:
I don't understand

Sherlock Holmes:
Oh, well, try to.

Irene Adler:
Why?

Sherlock Holmes:
Because you cater to the whims of the pathetic and take your clothes off to make an impression. Stop boring me and think. It's the new sexy.

Mrs. Hudson:
It's a disgrace, sending your little brother into danger like that. Family is all we have in the end, Mycroft Holmes.

Mycroft Holmes:
Oh, shut up, Mrs. Hudson!

Sherlock Holmes:
[furious] Mycroft!

Dr. John Watson:
Oy!

Mycroft Holmes:
[long pause] Apologies.

Mrs. Hudson:
Thank you.

Sherlock Holmes:
Though do, in fact, shut up.

Sherlock Holmes:
[checking out John's blog] You got a photograph of me wearing that hat!

Dr. John Watson:
Yeah, people like the hat.

Sherlock Holmes:
No, they don't! What people?

Sherlock Holmes:
I see you've got a new boyfriend, Molly, and you're serious about him.

Molly Hooper:
What? Sorry, what?

Sherlock Holmes:
In fact, you're seeing him this very night and giving him a gift.

Dr. John Watson:
Take a day off...

Lestrade:
Shut up and have a drink.

Sherlock Holmes:
Oh, come on. Surely you've all seen the present at top of the bag, perfectly wrapped with a bow. All the others are slap-dash at best. It's for someone special, then. Shade of red echoes her lipstick - either an unconscious association or one that she's deliberately trying to encourage. Either way, Miss Hooper has LUV on her mind. In fact, that she's serious about him is clear from the fact that she's giving him a gift at all - that would suggest long-term hopes, however forlorn - and that she's seeing him tonight is evident from her makeup and what she's wearing - obviously trying to compensate for the size of her mouth and breasts...

[voice trails off as he opens the tag:
"Dearest Sherlock Love Molly xxx"]

Molly Hooper:
[brutally embarrassed] You always say such horrible things. Every time. Always. Always...

Sherlock Holmes:
[turns to leave but turns back] I am sorry. Forgive me.

[John looks up, completely surprised at hearing an apology from Sherlock]

Sherlock Holmes:
Merry Christmas, Molly Hooper.

[Sherlock kisses her cheek. Suddenly, Sherlock's text message tone goes off, which Irene Adler earlier changed to the sound of a woman gasping in ecstasy]

Molly Hooper:
Oh! No, that wasn't...! I didn't...!

Sherlock Holmes:
No, it was me.

Lestrade:
What, really?

Molly Hooper:
What?

Sherlock Holmes:
My *phone*!

Sherlock Holmes:
Look at them. They all care so much. Do you ever wonder if there's something wrong with us?

Mycroft Holmes:
All lives end. All hearts are broken. Caring is not an advantage, Sherlock.

Sherlock Holmes:
[smoking one of Irene's cigarettes] This is low tar.

Mycroft Holmes:
Well, you barely knew her.

Dr. John Watson:
Who-who the hell knows about Sherlock Holmes; but, for the record, anyone out there still cares, I'm not actually gay.

Sherlock Holmes:
First get rid of your boys.

Neilson:
Why?

Sherlock Holmes:
I dislike being outnumbered. It makes for too much stupid in the room.

Dr. John Watson:
What's going on? Jeez, what the hell is happening?

Sherlock Holmes:
Mrs. Hudson's been attacked by an American; I'm restoring balance to the universe.

Sherlock Holmes:
[on the phone] Lestrade. We've had a break-in at Baker Street. Send your least irritating officers and an ambulance... Oh, no no no no no, we're fine. No, it's the, uh, it's the burglar. He's got himself rather badly injured.

[Neilson, bound and gagged, but otherwise unharmed, looks up in confusion]

Sherlock Holmes:
Oh, a few broken ribs, fractured skull, suspected punctured lung. He fell out of a window.

[cut to the first floor of Baker Street, where John is tending Mrs. Hudon's wounds]

Mrs. Hudson:
Oh! It stings...

[a body falls past the window, landing with a crash]

Mrs. Hudson:
Oh. That was right on my bins.

[Cut to a later street scene, as the ambulance pulls away]

DI Lestrade:
And exactly how many times did he fall out of a window?

Sherlock Holmes:
It's all a bit of a blur, Detective Inspector. I lost count.

Sherlock Holmes:
Please don't feel obliged to tell me that was remarkable or amazing. John's expressed that thought in every possible variant available to the English language.

Irene Adler:
I would have you, right here on this desk, until you begged for mercy twice.

Sherlock Holmes:
John, please, could you check those flight schedules to see if I'm right?

Dr. John Watson:
All right. I'm on it. Yeah.

Sherlock Holmes:
I've never begged for mercy in my life.

Irene Adler:
Twice.

Sherlock Holmes:
Coventry.

Irene Adler:
I've never been. Is it nice?

Sherlock Holmes:
Where's John?

Irene Adler:
He went out a couple hours ago.

Sherlock Holmes:
I was just talking to him.

Irene Adler:
He said you do that.

Irene Adler:
Mr. Holmes, if it was the end of the world, if this was the very last night, would you have dinner with me?

Mrs. Hudson:
[off screen] Sherlock!

Irene Adler:
Too late.

Sherlock Holmes:
It's not the end of the world. It's Mrs. Hudson.

Mrs. Hudson:
Sherlock, this man was at the door. Is the bell still not working?

Mrs. Hudson:
[to the man] He shot it.

Mycroft Holmes:
We can't fool them now. We've lost everything. One fragment of one e-mail and months and years of planning finished.

Sherlock Holmes:
Your M.O.D. man.

Mycroft Holmes:
That's all it takes. One lonely, naive man desperate to show off, and a woman clever enough to make him feel special.

Sherlock Holmes:
You need to screen your defense people more carefully.

Mycroft Holmes:
I'm not talking about the M.O.D. man, Sherlock. I'm talking about you! A damsel in distress? In the end, are you really so obvious? Because this was textbook: The promise of love, the pain of loss, the joy of redemption, then give him a puzzle and watch him dance.

Irene Adler:
Mr. Holmes, I think we need to talk.

Sherlock Holmes:
So do I. There are a number of aspects I'm still not quite clear on...

Irene Adler:
[passing Sherlock to get to Mycroft] Not you, junior. You're done now.

Mycroft Holmes:
My brother has the brain of a scientist or a philosopher yet he elects to be a detective. What might we deduce about his heart?

Dr. John Watson:
I don't know.

Mycroft Holmes:
Neither do I. But initially, he wanted to be a pirate.

Sherlock Holmes:
When I say run, run!

Sherlock Holmes:
Punch me in the face!

Irene Adler:
[scene cuts for a moment to Irene Adler applying makeup in her apartment] Shape? Blunt.

Dr. John Watson:
[back in the street] Punch you?

Sherlock Holmes:
Yes, punch me. In the face. Didn't you hear me?

Dr. John Watson:
I always hear "Punch me in the face" when you're speaking, but it's usually subtext.

Sherlock Holmes:
Oh, for Godsakes.

[Sherlock smacks John hard across the face]

Dr. John Watson:
Ooo!

[Sherlock waits; John, now sufficiently roused, returns Sherlock's punch]

Sherlock Holmes:
[getting up from the ground] Thank you. That was... that was...

[Not done, John delivers Sherlock a gut punch]

Sherlock Holmes:
[now being strangled] I think we're done now, John!

Dr. John Watson:
You ought to remember, Sherlock, I was a soldier! I killed people!

Sherlock Holmes:
You were a doctor!

Dr. John Watson:
I had bad days!

Mycroft Holmes:
[pouring tea] I'll be "mother".

Sherlock Holmes:
And there is a whole childhood in a nutshell.

Dr. John Watson:
We should call the police.

Sherlock Holmes:
Yes.

[fires five gunshots into the air]

Sherlock Holmes:
On their way.

Dr. John Watson:
For God's sake!

Sherlock Holmes:
Oh, shut up. It's quick.

Sherlock Holmes:
[reluctantly impressed] Oh, you're rather good.

Irene Adler:
[returning the compliment] You're not so bad.

[intense gazing into eyes ensues]

Dr. John Watson:
[interrupting the pause] Hamish.

[startled looks from Irene and Sherlock]

Dr. John Watson:
John Hamish Watson. Just... if you're... looking for baby names.

Sherlock Holmes:
Smoking indoors. Isn't there one of those... one of those law things?

Mycroft Holmes:
We're in a morgue. There's only so much damage you can do.

Irene Adler:
Well, I know what he likes.

[Holmes is conferring with Watson from Baker Street, via webcam]

Sherlock Holmes:
Now, show me the car that backfired.

Dr. John Watson:
It's there.

Sherlock Holmes:
That's the one that made the noise, yes?

Dr. John Watson:
Yep. If you're thinking gunshot, there wasn't one. He wasn't shot. He was killed by a single blow to the back of the head from a blunt instrument which then magically disappeared, along with the killer. It's got to be an eight, at least.

DI Carter:
[interjecting] You got two more minutes, then I want to know more about the driver.

Sherlock Holmes:
Oh, forget him, he's an idiot. Why else would he think himself a suspect?

DI Carter:
*I* think he's a suspect.

Sherlock Holmes:
Pass me over.

Dr. John Watson:
All right, but there's a mute button and I *will* use it.

Sherlock Holmes:
Okay, up a bit! I'm not talking from down here!

Dr. John Watson:
[to DI Carter] Okay, just take it, take it.

[Carter takes the laptop]

Sherlock Holmes:
Having driven to an isolated location and successfully committed a crime without a single witness, why would he then call the police and consult a detective? Fair play?

DI Carter:
He's trying to be clever. It's overconfidence.

Sherlock Holmes:
[sighs] Did you see him? Morbidly obese, the undisguised halitosis of a single man living on his own, the right sleeve of an internet porn addict, and the breathing pattern of an untreated heart condition? Low self-esteem, tiny IQ, and a limited life-expectancy, and you think he's an audacious criminal mastermind?

Sherlock Holmes:
[looking over his shoulder at the driver, sitting behind him] Don't worry, this is just stupid.

Phil:
What did you say? Heart what?

[during the stand-off over the bomb, Moriarty's mobile rings]

Moriarty:
[embarrassed] Do you mind if I get that?

Sherlock Holmes:
No, no, please. You've got the rest of your life.

Moriarty:
[answers phone] Hello? Yes, of course it is. What do you want?

[He mouths, "sorry!" to Sherlock, who mouths back, "Oh, it's fine."]

Moriarty:
[listens, then shouts] Say that again!

Moriarty:
[normal voice] Say that again, and know that if you're lying to me, I will find you, and I will sssskin you.

[Life resumes at Baker Street]

Timid Man:
My wife seems to be spending a very long time at the office...

Sherlock Holmes:
Boring.

[cut to next consultation]

Married Woman:
I think my husband might be having an affair...

Sherlock Holmes:
Yes.

[cut to next consultation]

Creepy Guy:
[holding an urn] She's not my real aunt. She's been replaced. I know she has. I know human ash...

Sherlock Holmes:
Leave.

[cut to next consultation]

Businessman:
We are prepared to offer any sum of money you care to mention for the recovery of these files...

Sherlock Holmes:
Boring.

[cut to next consultation]

Geeky Young Man:
We have this website. It explains the true meaning of comic books, 'cause people miss a lot of the themes...

[Sherlock walks off, preparing to dismiss them]

Geeky Young Man:
...uh, but then all the comic books start coming true.

Sherlock Holmes:
[comes back] Oh, interesting...

Sherlock Holmes:
Do you see how this works? That camera phone is her "get out of jail free" card. You have to leave her alone. Treat her like royalty, Mycroft.

Dr. John Watson:
Though not the way *she* treats royalty.

Sherlock Holmes:
[as John is typing] No no no, don't mention the unsolved ones!

Dr. John Watson:
People want to know you're human.

Sherlock Holmes:
Why?

Dr. John Watson:
'Cause they're interested.

Sherlock Holmes:
No, they're not... why are they?

Dr. John Watson:
Mm, look at that. One thousand eight hundred and ninety five.

Sherlock Holmes:
Sorry, what?

Dr. John Watson:
I reset that counter last night. This blog has had nearly 2,000 hits in the last eight hours. THIS is your living, Sherlock, not two hundred and forty types of tobacco ash.

Sherlock Holmes:
[lights a blowtorch] Two hundred and forty-three.

Sherlock Holmes:
Do people actually read your blog?

Dr. John Watson:
Where do you think our clients come from?

Sherlock Holmes:
I have a website.

Dr. John Watson:
In which you enumerate two hundred and forty different types of tobacco ash. Nobody's reading your website.

Sherlock Holmes:
I'll need some equipment, of course.

Mycroft Holmes:
Anything you require, I'll have it sent...

Sherlock Holmes:
[to the Equrry] Can I have a box of matches?

The Equerry:
I'm sorry?

Sherlock Holmes:
Or your cigarette lighter. Either will do.

The Equerry:
I don't smoke.

Sherlock Holmes:
No, I know YOU don't, but your employer does.

[the Equerry hesitates, then hands over the lighter]

The Equerry:
We have kept a lot of people successfully in the dark about this little fact, Mr. Holmes.

Sherlock Holmes:
I'm not the Commonwealth.

Dr. John Watson:
And that's as modest as he gets. Pleasure to meet you.

Sherlock Holmes:
[via a note taped to the door of Baker Street] "Crime in Progress. Please Disturb."

Dr. John Watson:
[notes Sherlock wrapped in a bed sheet] You wearing any pants?

Sherlock Holmes:
No.

Dr. John Watson:
Okay.

[Holmes and Watson glance at each other and burst into laughter]

Dr. John Watson:
At Buckingham Palace. Right. Oh, oh, I am seriously fighting an impulse to steal an ashtray. What are we doing here, Sherlock? No, seriously, what?

Sherlock Holmes:
I don't know.

Dr. John Watson:
Here to see the Queen?

[Mycroft walks in]

Sherlock Holmes:
Oh, apparently yes.

[John and Sherlock start laughing]

Mycroft Holmes:
Just once, can you two behave like grown ups?

Dr. John Watson:
We solve crimes, I blog about it, and he forgets his pants, so I wouldn't hold on to too much hope.

Neilson:
[to his men] You two, go to the car...

Sherlock Holmes:
Then get into the car and drive away. Don't try to trick me. You know who I am; it doesn't work.

The Equerry:
[about Irene Adler] Will you take the case?

Sherlock Holmes:
What case? Pay her now and in full. As Miss Adler says in her masthead, "Know when you are beaten."

Little Girl:
They wouldn't let us see Granddad when he was dead. Is that 'cause he'd gone to heaven?

Sherlock Holmes:
People don't really go to heaven when they die. They're taken to a special room and burned.

Dr. John Watson:
Sherlock...

Irene Adler:
[stark naked before them] D'you know the big problem with a disguise, Mr. Holmes? However hard you try, it's always a self-portrait.

Sherlock Holmes:
You think I'm a vicar with a bleeding face?

Irene Adler:
No, I think you're damaged, delusional and believe in a higher power. In your case, it's yourself. And somebody loves you. Oh, if I had to punch that face...

Irene Adler:
[looks over at John]... I'd avoid your nose and teeth, too.

Dr. John Watson:
[laughs nervously] Could you put something on, please? Uh, anything at all. A napkin...

Sherlock Holmes:
Why? Are you feeling exposed?

Irene Adler:
I don't think John knows where to look.

[Stands up and offers coat to Irene]

Irene Adler:
No, I think he knows exactly where. I'm not sure about you.

Sherlock Holmes:
If I were to look at naked women, I'd borrow John's laptop.

Dr. John Watson:
You do borrow my laptop.

Sherlock Holmes:
I confiscate it.

Sherlock Holmes:
Vatican cameos!

Sherlock Holmes:
There you are, brother. I hope the contents make up for any inconvenience I may have caused you tonight.

Mycroft Holmes:
I'm certain they will.

Sherlock Holmes:
If feeling kind, lock her up, otherwise let her go. I doubt she'll survive long without her protection.

Irene Adler:
Are you expecting me to beg?

Sherlock Holmes:
Yes.

Irene Adler:
Please. You're right, I won't even last six months.

Sherlock Holmes:
Sorry about dinner.

Irene Adler:
Oh, Jim Moriarty sends his love.

Mycroft Holmes:
Yes, he's been in touch. Seems desperate for my attention, which I'm sure can be arranged.

Irene Adler:
I had all this stuff; never knew what to do with it. Thank God for the consultant criminal. Gave me a lot of advice about how to play the Holmes boys. Do you know what he calls you? The Ice-man... and the Virgin.

Dr. John Watson:
She'll have to sleep upstairs in our flat tonight. I need to look after her.

Mrs. Hudson:
No...

Sherlock Holmes:
No no no, she's fine.

Dr. John Watson:
No, she's not. Look at her. She's gonna take some time away from Baker Street. She can go and stay with her sister. Doctor's orders.

Sherlock Holmes:
Don't be absurd.

Dr. John Watson:
She's in shock, for God's sake, and all over some bloody stupid camera phone. Where is it, anyway?

Sherlock Holmes:
Safest place I know.

Mrs. Hudson:
You left it in the pocket of your second-best dressing gown, you clod. I managed to sneak it out when they thought I was having a cry.

Sherlock Holmes:
Thank you. Shame on you, John Watson.

Dr. John Watson:
Shame on me?

Sherlock Holmes:
Mrs. Hudson leave Baker Street? England would fall!

Dr. John Watson:
You were dead on a slab. It was definitely you.

Irene Adler:
DNA tests are only as good as the records you keep.

Dr. John Watson:
And I bet you know the record keeper.

Irene Adler:
I know what he likes, and I needed to disappear.

Dr. John Watson:
Then how come I can see you, and I don't even want to.

Irene Adler:
Look, I made a mistake. I sent something to Sherlock for safekeeping and now I need it back, so I need your help.

Dr. John Watson:
No.

Irene Adler:
It's for his own safety.

Dr. John Watson:
So's this: tell him you're alive.

Irene Adler:
I can't.

Dr. John Watson:
Fine. I'll tell him, and I still won't help you.

Irene Adler:
What do I say?

Dr. John Watson:
What do you normally say? You've texted him a LOT!

Irene Adler:
Just the usual stuff.

Dr. John Watson:
There is no "usual" in this case.

Irene Adler:
"Good morning. I like your funny hat. I'm sad tonight. Let's have dinner." "You looked sexy on Crime Watch, let's have dinner." "I'm not hungry. Let's have dinner."

Dr. John Watson:
You... flirted... with Sherlock Holmes?

Irene Adler:
AT him. He never replies.

Dr. John Watson:
Sherlock always replies - to everything. He's Mr. Punchline. He will outlive God trying to have the last word.

Irene Adler:
Does that make me special?

Dr. John Watson:
I don't know. Maybe.

Molly Hooper:
Whose phone is it?

Sherlock Holmes:
A woman's.

Molly Hooper:
Your girlfriend?

Sherlock Holmes:
You think she's my girlfriend because I'm x-raying her possessions?

Molly Hooper:
Well, we all do silly things.

Sherlock Holmes:
[a flash of insight] Yes. They do, don't they?

Sherlock Holmes:
Oh, enjoying the thrill of the chase is fine, and creating the distraction of the game I sympathize entirely, but SENTIMENT... sentiment is a chemical defect found in the losing side.

Irene Adler:
Sentiment? What are you talking about?

Sherlock Holmes:
You.

Irene Adler:
Oh, dear God. Look at the poor man. You don't actually think I was interested in you? Why? Because you're the great Sherlock Holmes, the clever detective in the funny hat?

Sherlock Holmes:
No... because I took your pulse: elevated; your pupils: dilated. I imagine John Watson thinks love's a mystery to me, but the chemistry is incredibly simple and very destructive. When we first met, you told me that disguise is always a self-portrait; how true of you. The combination to your safe: your measurements - but this...

Sherlock Holmes:
[taking her cell phone]... this is far more intimate. This is your heart, and you should never let it rule your head. You could have chosen any random number and walked out of here today with everything you've worked for, but you just couldn't resist it, could you? I've always assumed that love is a dangerous disadvantage. Thank you for the final proof.

Irene Adler:
Everything I said - it's not real. I was just playing the game.

Sherlock Holmes:
I know. And this is just losing.

[discussing the break-in that occurred at the home of a dominatrix]

Sherlock Holmes:
I take it you stood down the police investigation into the shooting at her house?

Mycroft Holmes:
How can we do anything while she has the photographs? Our hands are tied!

Sherlock Holmes:
She'd applaud your choice of words.

[discussing Irene Adler]

Sherlock Holmes:
There's nothing you can do and nothing she will do, as far as I can see.

Mycroft Holmes:
I can put maximum surveillance on her.

Sherlock Holmes:
Why bother? You can follow her on Twitter. I believe her user name is "The Whip Hand".

[last lines]

Sherlock Holmes:
The woman... *The* Woman.

Sherlock Holmes:
Mrs Hudson leave Baker Street?

Sherlock Holmes:
England would fall.

Irene Adler:
Oh, look at those cheekbones. I could cut myself slapping that face. Would you like me to try?

Dr. John Watson:
[walking in on Sherlock and a stark naked Irene Adler] I've missed something, haven't I?

Molly Hooper:
How's the hip?

Mrs. Hudson:
Oh, it's atrocious, but thanks for asking.

Molly Hooper:
I've seen much worse, but then I do postmortems.

Sherlock Holmes:
Well. You're looking all better. How you feelin'?

Neilson:
Like putting a bullet in your brain, sir.

Irene Adler:
He's good, isn't he? I should have him on a leash. In fact, I might.

Dr. John Watson:
You don't trust your own Secret Service?

Mycroft Holmes:
Naturally not. They all spy on people for money.

Mycroft Holmes:
Bond Air is go.

Anderson:
So we can read her emails, so what?

Sherlock Holmes:
Anderson, don't talk out loud. You lower the IQ of the whole street.

Sherlock Holmes:
Shut up.

DI Lestrade:
I didn't say anything.

Sherlock Holmes:
You were thinking. It's annoying.

Sherlock Holmes:
And because you're dying, you've just murdered four people.

Jeff:
I've outlived four people. That's the most fun you can have with an aneurysm.

[to Mycroft]

Sherlock Holmes:
Try not to start a war before I get home - you know what it does to the traffic.

Dr John Watson:
You don't have a girlfriend then?

Sherlock Holmes:
Girlfriend? No, not really my area.

Dr John Watson:
Alright... Do you have a boyfriend? Which is fine, by the way.

Sherlock Holmes:
I know it's fine.

Dr John Watson:
So you got a boyfriend?

Sherlock Holmes:
No.

Dr John Watson:
Right. Okay. You're unattached. Like me. Fine. Good.

Sherlock Holmes:
John, erm... I think you should know that I consider myself married to my work, and while I'm flattered by your interest, I'm really not looking for any...

Dr John Watson:
No. I'm... not asking. No. I'm just saying, it's all fine.

Sherlock Holmes:
Good. Thank you.

Anderson:
Never mind that. We found the case! According to SOMEONE, "the murderer has the case," and we found it in the hands of our favorite psychopath.

Sherlock Holmes:
I'm not a psychopath, Anderson. I'm a high-functioning sociopath. Do your research.

Sherlock Holmes:
You can't just break into my flat.

DI Lestrade:
And you can't withhold evidence. And I didn't "break" in to your flat.

Sherlock Holmes:
Well, what do you call this then?

DI Lestrade:
It's a drugs bust.

Dr John Watson:
Seriously. This guy, a junkie? Have you met him?

Sherlock Holmes:
John.

Dr John Watson:
I'm pretty sure you could search this flat all day and you wouldn't find anything you could call recreational.

Sherlock Holmes:
John, you probably want to shut up now.

Dr John Watson:
Yeah, but come on. No.

Sherlock Holmes:
What?

Dr John Watson:
You?

Sherlock Holmes:
Shut up. I'm not your sniffer dog.

DI Lestrade:
No, Anderson's my sniffer dog.

Sherlock Holmes:
What, A... Anderson, what are you doing here on a drugs bust?

Anderson:
Oh, I volunteered.

DI Lestrade:
They all did. They're not strictly speaking *on* the drug squad, but they're very keen.

Sgt Sally Donovan:
[holding up a jar] Are these human eyes?

Sherlock Holmes:
Put those back.

Sgt Sally Donovan:
But they were in the microwave.

Sherlock Holmes:
It's an experiment.

Dr John Watson:
[after Sherlock explains how he worked out Watson's veteran status, his war wound and his sibling's drinking problem] That... was amazing.

Sherlock Holmes:
You think so?

Dr John Watson:
Of course it was. It was extraordinary. It was quite extraordinary.

Sherlock Holmes:
That's not what people normally say.

Dr John Watson:
What do people normally say?

Sherlock Holmes:
"Piss off".

Mycroft:
Bravery is by far the kindest word for stupidity, don't you think? What is your connection to Sherlock Holmes?

Dr John Watson:
I don't... have one. I barely know him. I met him... yesterday.

Mycroft:
Mmm, and since yesterday you've moved in with him, and now you're solving crimes together. Might we expect a happy announcement by the end of the week?

Dr John Watson:
Who are you?

Mycroft:
An interested party.

Dr John Watson:
Interested in Sherlock? Why? I'm guessing you're not friends.

Mycroft:
You've met him. How many friends do you imagine he has? I'm the closest thing to a friend that Sherlock Holmes is capable of having.

Dr John Watson:
And what's that?

Mycroft:
An enemy.

Dr John Watson:
An enemy?

Mycroft:
In his mind, certainly. If you were to ask him, he'd probably say an archenemy. He does love to be dramatic.

Dr John Watson:
Well, thank God you're above all that.

Sherlock Holmes:
Look at you lot. You're all so vacant. Is it nice not being me? It must be so relaxing.

Sherlock Holmes:
[seeking a restaurant] You can always tell a good Chinese by examining the bottom third of the door handle.

Dr John Watson:
What are you doing?

Sherlock Holmes:
Nicotine patch. Helps me think. Impossible to sustain a smoking habit in London these days. Bad news for brain work.

Dr John Watson:
It's good news for breathing.

Sherlock Holmes:
Ah, breathing. Breathing's boring.

Dr John Watson:
Is that three patches?

Sherlock Holmes:
It's a three-patch problem.

Dr John Watson:
[appearing at 221-B Baker Street] Well, this is a prime spot. Must be expensive.

Sherlock Holmes:
No, Mrs. Hudson, the landlady, she's giving me a special deal. She owes me a favor. A few years back, her husband got himself sentenced to death in Florida. I was able to help out.

Dr John Watson:
So y-you stopped her husband being executed?

Sherlock Holmes:
Oh, no. I ensured it.

Mrs. Hudson:
There's another bedroom upstairs, if you'd be needing two bedrooms.

Dr John Watson:
Of course we'll be needing two.

Mrs. Hudson:
Oh, don't worry. There's all sorts 'round here. Mrs. Turner next door's got married ones.

Dr John Watson:
People don't have archenemies.

Sherlock Holmes:
I'm sorry?

Dr John Watson:
In real life. There are no archenemies in real life. Doesn't happen.

Sherlock Holmes:
Doesn't it? Sounds a bit dull.

Dr John Watson:
So who did I meet?

Sherlock Holmes:
What do REAL people have, then, in their... REAL lives?

Dr John Watson:
Friends... and people they know, people they... like, people they don't like, girlfriends, boyfriends...

Sherlock Holmes:
Well, as I was saying, dull.

Dr John Watson:
You don't have a girlfriend, then?

Sherlock Holmes:
Girlfriend? No, not really my area.

Dr John Watson:
Oh, right. D'you have a boyfriend? - which is fine, by the way.

Sherlock Holmes:
I know it's fine.

Dr John Watson:
So you got a boyfriend?

Sherlock Holmes:
No.

Dr John Watson:
Right. Okay. You're unattached, just like me. Right. Good.

Sherlock Holmes:
John, erm... I think you should know that I consider myself married to my work, and while I'm flattered by your interest...

Dr John Watson:
No.

Sherlock Holmes:
...I'm really not looking for any...

Dr John Watson:
No. I'm... not asking... No. I'm just saying, it's all fine.

Sherlock Holmes:
Good. Thank you.

Sherlock Holmes:
It's murder, all of them. I don't know how. And they're not suicides, they're killings, serial killings! We got ourselves a serial killer. Love those. There's always something to look forward to.

Dr John Watson:
That's a skull.

Sherlock Holmes:
Friend of mine. When I say friend...

Sherlock Holmes:
Her coat is slightly damp; she's been in heavy rain in the last few hours. No rain anywhere in London in that time. Under her coat collar is damp too; she's turned it up against the wind. She's got an umbrella in her left-hand pocket, but it's dry and unused: not just wind, strong wind, too strong to use her umbrella. We know from her suitcase that she was intending to stay overnight, so she must have come a decent distance, but she can't have traveled more than two or three hours because her coat still hasn't dried; so, where has there been heavy rain and strong wind within the radius of that travel time? Cardiff.

Dr John Watson:
It's fantastic!

Sherlock Holmes:
Do you know you do that out loud?

Dr John Watson:
Sorry, I'll shut up.

Sherlock Holmes:
No, it's... fine.

Sherlock Holmes:
Serial killers, always hard... have to wait for them to make a mistake.

DI Lestrade:
Can't just wait!

Sherlock Holmes:
Oh, we're done waiting! Look at her, really look! Houston, we HAVE a mistake! Get on to Cardiff. Find out who Jennifer Wilson's family and friends were. Find Rachel!

DI Lestrade:
Of course, yeah, but WHAT MISTAKE?

Sherlock Holmes:
PINK!

Dr John Watson:
Have you talked to the police?

Sherlock Holmes:
Four people are dead. There isn't time to talk to the police.

Dr John Watson:
So why are you talking to ME?

Sherlock Holmes:
[morosely] Mrs. Hudson took my skull.

Dr John Watson:
So I'm basically filling in for your skull?

Sherlock Holmes:
Relax, you're doing fine.

Sherlock Holmes:
Why have I got this blanket? It... They keep putting this blanket on me.

DI Lestrade:
Yeah, it's for shock.

Sherlock Holmes:
I'm not in shock.

DI Lestrade:
Yeah, but some of the guys want to take photographs.

Sherlock Holmes:
You're a doctor. In fact, you're an army doctor.

Dr John Watson:
Yes.

Sherlock Holmes:
Any good?

Dr John Watson:
Very good.

Sherlock Holmes:
Seen a lot of injuries, then?... Violent deaths?

Dr John Watson:
Yes.

Sherlock Holmes:
Bit of trouble, too, I bet.

Dr John Watson:
Of course, yes. Enough for a lifetime... far too much.

Sherlock Holmes:
Want to see some more?

Dr John Watson:
Oh God, yes.

Dr John Watson:
What am I doing here?

Sherlock Holmes:
Helping me make a point.

Dr John Watson:
I'm supposed to be helping you pay the rent.

Sherlock Holmes:
Yeah, well, this is more fun.

Dr John Watson:
Fun? There's a woman lying dead.

Sherlock Holmes:
Perfectly sound analysis but I was hoping you'd go deeper.

Mycroft:
[concerning his therapist's belief that Watson's hand tremor is PTSD] Fire her. She's got it the wrong way around. You're under stress right now and your hand is perfectly steady. You're not haunted by the war, Dr Watson. You miss it.

Dr John Watson:
Who are you?

Mycroft:
An interested party.

Dr John Watson:
Interested in Sherlock? Why? I'm guessing you're not friends.

Mycroft:
You've met him. How many friends do you imagine he has?

Dr John Watson:
[Sherlock produces a pink suitcase] That's... the pink lady's case. That's Jennifer Wilson's case.

Sherlock Holmes:
Yes, obviously.

[Short pause]

Sherlock Holmes:
Oh, perhaps I should mention - I didn't kill her.

Dr John Watson:
I never said you did.

Sherlock Holmes:
Why not? Given the text I just had you send and the fact that I have her case, it's a perfectly logical assumption.

Dr John Watson:
Do people usually assume you're the murderer?

Sherlock Holmes:
Now and then, yes.

Sherlock Holmes:
So the shooter, no sign?

DI Lestrade:
Cleared off before we got here, but a guy like that would have had enemies I suppose. One of them could've been following him, but... got nothing to go on.

Sherlock Holmes:
Oh, I wouldn't say that.

DI Lestrade:
Okay, give me?

Sherlock Holmes:
The bullet they just dug out of the wall is from a handgun. A kill shot over that distance from that kind of a weapon, that's a crack shot you're looking for, but not just a marksman, a fighter. His hands couldn't have shaken at all, so clearly he's acclimatised to violence. He didn't fire until I was in immediate danger though, so strong moral principle. You're looking for a man probably with a history of military service and...

[spots John]

Sherlock Holmes:
...nerves of steel... Actually, do you know what? Ignore me.

DI Lestrade:
Sorry?

Sherlock Holmes:
Ignore all of that, it's just the, uh, the "shock" talking.

Dr John Watson:
Um, Sergeant Donovan's just been explaining everything. The... two pills. A dreadful business, isn't it? Dreadful.

Sherlock Holmes:
[quietly] Good shot.

Dr John Watson:
Yes, yes must've been... through that window.

Sherlock Holmes:
Well, you'd know. Need to get the powder burns out of your fingers. I don't suppose you'd serve time for this, but let's avoid the court case. Are you all right?

Dr John Watson:
Yes, course I'm all right.

Sherlock Holmes:
Well you have just killed a man.

Dr John Watson:
Yes I...

[pauses]

Dr John Watson:
That's true, isn't it? But he wasn't a very nice man.

Sherlock Holmes:
No. No, he wasn't, really, was he?

Dr John Watson:
No, and, frankly, a bloody awful cabbie.

Sherlock Holmes:
[chuckles with John] That's true. He WAS a bad cabbie. You should have seen the route he took us to get here.

Dr John Watson:
[laughing] Stop. Stop, we can't giggle. It's a crime scene. Stop it.

Sherlock Holmes:
You're the one who shot him. Don't blame me.

Dr John Watson:
Keep your voice down! Sorry, it's just, um, nerves, I think.

Sherlock Holmes:
Sorry.

Dr John Watson:
You were going to take that damn pill, weren't you?

Sherlock Holmes:
Course I wasn't. Biding my time. Knew you'd turn up.

Dr John Watson:
No, you didn't. That's how you get your kicks, isn't it? You risk your life to prove you're clever.

Sherlock Holmes:
Why would I do that?

Dr John Watson:
'Cause you're an idiot.

Sherlock Holmes:
Dinner?

Dr John Watson:
Starving.

Sherlock Holmes:
Did I get anything wrong?

Dr John Watson:
Harry and me don't get on. Never have. Clara and Harry split up three months ago and they're getting a divorce, and Harry is a drinker.

Sherlock Holmes:
Spot on, then. I didn't expect to be right about everything.

Dr John Watson:
Harry's short for Harriet.

Sherlock Holmes:
[stops walking] Harry's your sister.

Dr John Watson:
Look, what exactly am I supposed to be doing here?

Sherlock Holmes:
Sister!

Dr John Watson:
No, seriously, what am I doing here?

Sherlock Holmes:
There's always something...

Anderson:
She's German. "Rache." German for "revenge." She could be trying to tell us something...

Sherlock Holmes:
Yes, thank you for your input.

[loudly shuts door in Anderson's face]

Mike Stamford:
I heard you were abroad somewhere getting shot at. What happened?

Dr John Watson:
I got shot.

Sherlock Holmes:
You did get shot though. In Afghanistan? There was an actual wound.

Dr John Watson:
Sorry?

Sherlock Holmes:
In Afghanistan? There was an actual wound.

Dr John Watson:
Oh, yeah. Shoulder.

Sherlock Holmes:
Shoulder. I thought so.

Dr John Watson:
No you didn't.

Sherlock Holmes:
The left one?

Dr John Watson:
Lucky guess.

Sherlock Holmes:
I never guess.

Sgt Sally Donovan:
[after Sherlock has disrupted their press conference on the serial suicides by sending the text message "WRONG!" to every single reporter's cell phone] You've got to stop him doing that. He's making us look like idiots.

DI Lestrade:
If you can tell me HOW he does it, I'll stop him.

Sherlock Holmes:
How do you feel about the violin?

Dr John Watson:
Well? You asked me to come. I'm assuming it's important.

Sherlock Holmes:
Oh, yeah, of course. Can I borrow your phone?

Dr John Watson:
My phone?

Sherlock Holmes:
Don't wanna use mine. Always a chance the number will be recognised. It's on the website.

Dr John Watson:
Mrs Hudson's got a phone...

Sherlock Holmes:
Yeah, she's downstairs. I tried shouting but she didn't hear.

Dr John Watson:
I was the other side of London.

Sherlock Holmes:
There was no hurry.

Dr John Watson:
Here. So, what's this about, the case?

Sherlock Holmes:
Her case.

Dr John Watson:
Her case?

Sherlock Holmes:
Her suitcase, yes, obviously. The murderer took her suitcase - first big mistake.

Dr John Watson:
Okay, he took her case. So?

Sherlock Holmes:
It's no use. There's no other way. Well, have to risk it. On my desk there's a number. I want you to send a text.

Dr John Watson:
You brought me here... to send a text?

Sherlock Holmes:
Text, yes, the number on my desk .

Sherlock Holmes:
Okay, you've got questions.

Dr John Watson:
Yeah. Where are we going?

Sherlock Holmes:
Crime scene. Next?

Dr John Watson:
Who are you? What do you do?

Sherlock Holmes:
What do you think?

Dr John Watson:
I'd say private detective...

Sherlock Holmes:
But...

Dr John Watson:
But the police don't go to private detectives.

Sherlock Holmes:
I'm a consulting detective. The only one in the world. I invented the job.

Dr John Watson:
What does that mean?

Sherlock Holmes:
It means whenever the police are out of their depth - which is always - they consult me.

Dr John Watson:
[scoffs] The police don't consult amateurs. [Sherlock looks at him askance, then gives a sly smile]

Sherlock Holmes:
When I met you for the first time yesterday, I said "Afghanistan or Iraq?" You looked surprised.

Dr John Watson:
Yes. How did you know?

Sherlock Holmes:
I didn't know, I saw. Your haircut, the way you hold yourself, says military. The conversation as you entered the room - said trained at Bart's, so army doctor. Obvious. Your face is tanned, but no tan above the wrists - you've been abroad but not sunbathing. The limp's really bad when you walk, but you don't ask for a chair when you stand, like you've forgotten about it, so it's at least partly psychosomatic. That suggests the original circumstances of the injury were probably traumatic - wounded in action, then. Wounded in action, suntan - Afghanistan or Iraq.

Dr John Watson:
You said I had a therapist.

Sherlock Holmes:
You've got a psychosomatic limp. Of course you've got a therapist. Then there's your brother. Your phone - it's expensive, email enabled, MP3 player. But you're looking for a flat-share, you wouldn't waste money on this. It's a gift, then. Scratches - not one, many over time. It's been in the same pocket as keys and coins. The man sitting next to me wouldn't treat his one luxury item like this, so it's had a previous owner. The next bit's easy, you know it already. [indicates back of the phone, which has been engraved with the inscription "Harry Watson - from Clara XXX"]

Dr John Watson:
The engraving?

Sherlock Holmes:
Harry Watson - clearly a family member who's given you his old phone. Not your father - this is a young man's gadget. Could be a cousin, but you're a war hero who can't find a place to live. Unlikely you've got an extended family, certainly not one you're close to, so brother it is. Now, Clara - who's Clara? Three kisses says romantic attachment. Expensive phone says wife, not girlfriend. Must've given it to him recently - this model's only six months old. Marriage in trouble, then - six months on, and already he's giving it away? If she'd left him, he would've kept it. People do, sentiment. But no, he wanted rid of it - he left her. He gave the phone to you, that says he wants you to stay in touch. [beat] You're looking for cheap accommodation and you're not going to your brother for help? That says you've got problems with him. Maybe you liked his wife, maybe you don't like his drinking.

Dr John Watson:
How can you possibly know about the drinking? [cuts to a close-up of the phone's charger port, showing obvious scratches around it]

Sherlock Holmes:
Shot in the dark. Good one, though. Power connection - tiny little scuff marks around the edge. Every night he goes to plug it in and charge but his hands are shaky. You never see those marks on a sober man's phone, never see a drunk's without them. There you go, you see? You were right.

Dr John Watson:
I was right? Right about what?

Sherlock Holmes:
The police don't consult amateurs. [long pause]

Dr John Watson:
[slowly, grudgingly] That was amazing.

Sherlock Holmes:
You think so?

Dr John Watson:
We can't giggle, it's a crime scene. Stop it.

Sherlock Holmes:
You're the one who shot him.

Mycroft:
You don't seem very afraid.

Dr John Watson:
You don't seem very frightening.

Mycroft:
He does love to be dramatic.

Dr John Watson:
Well, thank god you're above all that.

[first lines]

Ella:
How's your blog going?

Dr John Watson:
Yeah, good. Very good.

Ella:
You haven't written a word, have you?

Dr John Watson:
You just wrote, "still has trust issues".

Ella:
And you read my writing upside down. You see what I mean? John, you're a soldier. It's going to take you a while to adjust to civilian life. And writing a blog about everything that happens to you will honestly help you.

Dr John Watson:
Nothing happens to me.

Jeff:
It's genius. I know how people think. I know how people think *I* think. I can see it all like a map inside my head. Everyone's so stupid, even you. Or maybe God just loves me.

Sherlock Holmes:
Either way, you're wasted as a cabbie.

Dr John Watson:
It's how you get your kicks, isn't it? Risking your life to prove you're clever.

Sherlock Holmes:
Why would I do that?

Dr John Watson:
Because you're an idiot.

Sherlock Holmes:
Dinner?

Dr John Watson:
Starving.

Dr John Watson:
What are you so happy about?

Sherlock Holmes:
Moriarty.

Dr John Watson:
What's Moriarty?

Sherlock Holmes:
I've absolutely no idea.

Sherlock Holmes:
Dear God, what is it like in your funny little brains? It must be so boring!

[staking out the scene of the killer's last murder]

Dr John Watson:
You think he's stupid enough to go there?

Sherlock Holmes:
No, I think he's brilliant enough. I love the brilliant ones. They're always so desperate to get caught.

Sgt Sally Donovan:
You know why he's here? He's not paid or anything. He likes it. He gets off on it. The weirder the crime, the more he gets off. And you know what? One day just showing up won't be enough. One day we'll be standing around a body and Sherlock Holmes will be the one that put it there.

Dr John Watson:
Why would he do that?

Sgt Sally Donovan:
Because he's a psychopath, and psychopaths get bored.

Molly Hooper:
Listen, I was wondering... maybe later, when you're finished...

Sherlock Holmes:
[interrupting her] You're wearing lipstick. You weren't wearing lipstick before.

Molly Hooper:
I, er... I refreshed it a bit.

Sherlock Holmes:
Sorry, you were saying?

Molly Hooper:
I was wondering if you'd like to have coffee.

Sherlock Holmes:
Black, two sugars, please. I'll be upstairs.

[walks away]

Sherlock Holmes:
Yeah, but if you were dying, if you'd been murdered, in your very last few seconds, what would you say?

Dr John Watson:
"Please, God, let me live."

Sherlock Holmes:
Oh, use your imagination!

Dr John Watson:
[having recently returned from battle] I don't have to.

Dr John Watson:
Well, you want me to come with you?

Sherlock Holmes:
I like company when I go out and, uh... I think better when I talk aloud. Skull just attracts attention, so... Problem?

Dr John Watson:
Yeah. Sergeant Donovan.

Sherlock Holmes:
What about her?

Dr John Watson:
She said... you get off on this. You enjoy it.

Sherlock Holmes:
And I said 'dangerous', and here you are.

[smiles broadly and leaves]

Dr John Watson:
Damn it!

[gets to his feet and hobbles after Sherlock]

Sherlock Holmes:
You're a doctor. In fact, you're an army doctor.

Dr. John Watson:
Yes.

Sherlock Holmes:
Any good?

Dr. John Watson:
Very good.

Sherlock Holmes:
Seen a lot of injuries then. Violent deaths.

Dr. John Watson:
Well... Yes.

Sherlock Holmes:
A bit of trouble too, I'll bet.

Dr. John Watson:
Of course. Yes. Enough... for a lifetime, far too much.

Sherlock Holmes:
Want to see some more?

Dr. John Watson:
Oh, God, yes!

Sherlock Holmes:
[about the victim] She's been married for at least ten years, but not happily. She's had a string of lovers, but none of them knew she was married.

DI Lestrade:
Oh, for God's sake, if you're just making this up...!

Sherlock Holmes:
Her wedding ring, ten years old at least. The rest of her jewelry's been regularly cleaned but not her wedding ring. State of her marriage, right there. The inside of the ring is shinier than the outside; that means it's regularly removed. The only polishing she gets is when she works it off her finger. It's not for work, look at her nails. She doesn't work with her hands; so, what, or rather who, DOES she remove her rings for? Clearly not one lover - she'd never sustain the fiction of being single over that amount of time - so more likely a string of them. Simple.

Dr John Watson:
That's brilliant!

[everyone looks at him]

Dr John Watson:
Sorry.

Sherlock Holmes:
Sorry. Gotta dash. I think I left my riding crop in the mortuary.

Dr John Watson:
Is that it?

Sherlock Holmes:
Is that what?

Dr John Watson:
We've only just met, and we're going to go and look at a flat?

Sherlock Holmes:
Problem?

Dr John Watson:
We don't know a thing about each other. I don't know where we're meeting. I don't even know your name.

Sherlock Holmes:
I know you're an Army doctor, and you've been invalided home from Afghanistan. I know you've got a brother who's worried about you, but you won't go to him for help because you don't approve of him, possibly because he's an alcoholic, more likely because he recently walked out on his wife, and I know your therapist thinks your limp's psychosomatic - quite correctly, I'm afraid. That's enough to be going on with, don't you think? The name's Sherlock Holmes, and the address is 221-B Baker Street. Afternoon.

Sherlock Holmes:
Ah, Anderson. Here we are again.

Anderson:
It's a crime scene. I don't want it contaminated. Are we clear on that?

Sherlock Holmes:
Quite clear. And is your wife away for long?

Anderson:
Oh, don't pretend you worked that out. Somebody told you that.

Sherlock Holmes:
Your deodorant told me that.

Anderson:
My deodorant?...

Sherlock Holmes:
It's for men.

Anderson:
Well, of course it's for men! I'm wearing it!

Sherlock Holmes:
So's Sergeant Donovan.

Sherlock Holmes:
[sniffs] Whoo... and I think it just vaporised. May I go in?

Anderson:
Now, look, whatever you're trying to imply...

Anderson:
I'm not implying anything. I'm sure Sally came round for a nice little chat and just HAPPENED to stay over. And I assume she scrubbed your floors, going by the state of her knees.

Dr John Watson:
Pink. Y-you got all that because you realised the case would be pink?

Sherlock Holmes:
Well, it had to be pink, obviously.

Dr John Watson:
Why didn't I think of that?

Sherlock Holmes:
Because you're an idiot.

[John looks up, insulted]

Sherlock Holmes:
No, no, no, don't be like that. Practically everyone is.

Dr John Watson:
Just met a friend of yours.

Sherlock Holmes:
A friend?

Dr John Watson:
An enemy.

Sherlock Holmes:
Oh! Which one?

Dr John Watson:
Well, your archenemy, according to him. Do people have archenemies?

Sherlock Holmes:
[lowers voice] Did he offer you money to spy on me?

Dr John Watson:
Yes.

Sherlock Holmes:
[voice still low] Did you take it?

Dr John Watson:
No.

Sherlock Holmes:
[normal voice] Pity, we could have split the fee. Think it through next time.

Dr John Watson:
Are you still at Barts, then?

Mike Stamford:
Teaching now, yeah. Bright young things, like we used to be. God, I hate them.

Mycroft Holmes:
You don't seem very frightened.

Dr. John Watson:
You don't seem very frightening.

Dr John Watson:
So, why do you put up with him?

DI Lestrade:
Because I'm desperate, that's why. And because Sherlock Holmes is a great man. And I think one day, if we're very very lucky, he might even be a good one.

Sherlock Holmes:
You're a doctor. In fact, you're an army doctor.

Dr John Watson:
Yes.

Sherlock Holmes:
Any good?

Dr John Watson:
Very good.

Sherlock Holmes:
Seen a lot of injuries then? Violent deaths?

Dr John Watson:
Well... yes.

Sherlock Holmes:
Bit of trouble, too, I bet.

Dr John Watson:
Of course. Yes. Enough for a lifetime. Far too much.

Sherlock Holmes:
Want to see some more?

Dr John Watson:
Oh, God, yes!

Sherlock Holmes:
What happened to the lipstick?

Molly Hooper:
It wasn't working for me.

Sherlock Holmes:
Really? I thought it was a big improvement. Your mouth's too... small now.

Sherlock Holmes:
You know what? Ignore me.

DI Lestrade:
What?

Sherlock Holmes:
Just ignore all that. It was the shock talking. Excuse me, I just have to go and talk about the rent.

DI Lestrade:
Sherlock...

Sherlock Holmes:
Oh, what now? I'm in shock! Look, I've got a blanket!

Sherlock Holmes:
I'll have the gun, please.

Jeff:
Are you sure?

Sherlock Holmes:
Definitely. The gun.

Jeff:
You don't want to phone a friend?

Sherlock Holmes:
The gun.

[Jeff pulls the trigger and a flame flickers from the "gun" muzzle]

Sherlock Holmes:
I know a real gun when I see one.

Sherlock Holmes:
Good shot.

Dr. John Watson:
Yes, it was. It must have been. Through that window.

Sherlock Holmes:
Well, you'd know. Did you get the powder burns out of your fingers? I don't supposed you'd serve time for this, but let's avoid the court case. Are you all right?

Dr. John Watson:
Yes, 'course I'm all right.

Sherlock Holmes:
Well, you have just killed a man.

Dr. John Watson:
Yes, I know. That's true, isn't it? But... he wasn't a very nice man.

Sherlock Holmes:
No. He wasn't, really, was he?

Dr. John Watson:
And a bloody awful cabbie.

Sherlock Holmes:
That's true, he was a bad cabbie. You should have seen the route he took to get us here.

Dr. John Watson:
Stop it, you can't giggle, it's a crime scene.

Sherlock Holmes:
You're the one who shot him.

Dr. John Watson:
Keep your voice down! Sorry, it's just nerves. You were, uh, you were going to take that damn pill, weren't you?

Sherlock Holmes:
Course I wasn't. I was biding my time. Knew you'd turn up.

Dr. John Watson:
No you didn't. That's how you get your kicks, isn't it? Risking your life to prove you're clever.

Sherlock Holmes:
Why would I do that?

Dr. John Watson:
Cause you're an idiot.

Sherlock Holmes:
I'm not a psychopath, Anderson, I'm a high functioning sociopath. Do your research.

[Watson confesses he can't stay in London on an Army pension]

Mike Stamford:
I dunno. Get a flatshare or something.

Dr John Watson:
Come on. Who'd want me for a flatmate?

[Stamford chuckles]

Dr John Watson:
What?

Mike Stamford:
You're the second person to say that to me today.

Dr John Watson:
Who's the first?

[cut to an image of Sherlock Holmes opening a bodybag]

Sherlock Holmes:
The game, Mrs. Hudson, is on!

Mycroft Holmes:
I'm the closest thing to a friend that Sherlock Holmes is capable of having.

Dr. John Watson:
And what's that?

Mycroft Holmes:
An enemy. If you were to ask him, he would say an archenemy. He does love to be dramatic.

Dr. John Watson:
Well, thank God you're above all that.

Sherlock Holmes:
Good evening, Mycroft. Try not to start a war before I get home. You know what it does to traffic.

[last lines]

Anthea:
Sir, shall we go?

Mycroft Holmes:
Interesting, that soldier fellow. He could be the making of my brother - or make him worse than ever. Either way, we'd better upgrade their surveillance status - Grade 3, Active.

Anthea:
Sorry, sir. Who's status?

Mycroft Holmes:
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson.

Dr John Watson:
He's your brother?

Sherlock Holmes:
Of course, he's my brother.

Dr John Watson:
So he's not...

Sherlock Holmes:
Not what?

Dr John Watson:
I don't know - a criminal mastermind?

Sherlock Holmes:
Close enough.

Mycroft Holmes:
For goodness sake, I occupy a minor position in the British government.

Sherlock Holmes:
He *is* the British government when he's not too busy being the British Secret Service or the CIA on a free-lance basis. Good evening, Mycroft. Try not to start a war before I get home. You know what it does for the traffic.

Molly Hooper:
[seeing Sherlock violently flog a freshly dead human corpse with a riding crop] So... bad day, was it?

Sherlock Holmes:
Brilliant! Yes! Ah, four serial suicides and now a note, Oh, it's Christmas!

Mrs. Hudson:
I'll make you that cuppa. You rest your leg.

Dr John Watson:
DAMN my leg! Sorry. I'm so sorry. It's just sometimes this bloody leg...

Mrs. Hudson:
I understand, dear. I've got a hip.

Sherlock Holmes:
Okay, you've got questions.

Dr John Watson:
Yeah. Where are we going?

Sherlock Holmes:
Crime scene. Next?

Sherlock Holmes:
That's the frailty of genius, John. It needs an audience.

Sherlock Holmes:
Come on, THINK! Who do we trust even though we don't know them? Who passes unnoticed wherever they go? Who hunts in the middle of a crowd?

Jeff:
I don't wanna kill you, Mr. Holmes. I'm gonna talk to ya, and then you're gonna kill yourself.

Jeff:
One thing about being a cabbie, you always know a nice quite spot for a murder. I'm surprised more of us don't branch out.

Sherlock Holmes:
Who'd sponsor a serial killer?

Jeff:
Who would be a fan of Sherlock Holmes?

Dr John Watson:
[about to exit the government car] Do you ever get any spare time?

Anthea:
Oh, yes, loads.

[Anthea keeps tapping on her phone and there is a few seconds pause]

Anthea:
[annoyed] Good-bye.

[John exits the car, embarassed]

Sherlock Holmes:
I am not a psychopath. I am a high-functioning sociopath. Do your research.

Dr John Watson:
[taking the badge Sherlock flashed at a murder suspect] Let me see that. Detective Inspector Lestrade?

Sherlock Holmes:
Yeah. I pickpocket him when he's annoying. You can keep that one; I have plenty at the flat.

[Repeated line]

Sherlock Holmes:
The game is on.

Dr John Watson:
[about Sherlock] So, when you say you're concerned about him, you actually are concerned?

Mycroft:
Yes, of course.

Dr John Watson:
It actually is a childish feud?

Mycroft:
He's always been so resentful. You can imagine the Christmas dinners.

Sherlock Holmes:
Look at you lot, so vacant. Is it nice not being me? It must be so relaxing.

Sherlock Holmes:
Oh, do your research. I'm not a hero, I'm a high-functioning sociopath. Merry Christmas!

Jim Moriarty:
Miss me?

Sherlock Holmes:
One false move and we'll have betrayed the security of the United Kingdom and be imprisoned for high treason. Magnussen is quite simply the most dangerous man we've ever encountered and the odds are comprehensibly stacked against us.

Dr. John Watson:
But it's Christmas!

Sherlock Holmes:
[huge grin] I feel the same. Oh, you mean it's actually Christmas. Did you bring your gun as I suggested?

Dr. John Watson:
Why would I bring my gun to your parents' house for Christmas dinner?

Sherlock Holmes:
Is it in your coat?

Dr. John Watson:
Yes.

Sherlock Holmes:
Off we go, then.

[Janine shows Sherlock three tabloid newspaper headlines for stories she had sold:
"Shag-a-lot Holmes", "7-Times a Night in Baker Street" and "He Made Me Wear the Hat"]

Janine:
I'm buying a cottage. And I made a lot of money out of you, mister. Nothing hits the spot like revenge with profits.

Sherlock Holmes:
You didn't give those stories to Magnussen, did you?

Janine:
God, no. One of his rivals. He was spitting.

Sherlock Holmes:
Hm.

Janine:
Sherlock Holmes, you are a back-stabbin', heartless, manipulative bastard.

Sherlock Holmes:
And you, as it turns out, are a grasping, opportunistic, publicity-hungry, tabloid whore.

Janine:
So, we're good, then?

Sherlock Holmes:
Yeah, of course. Where's the cottage?

Janine:
Sussex Downs.

Sherlock Holmes:
Mm, nice.

Janine:
It's gorgeous. There's beehives, but I'm getting rid of those.

Mycroft Holmes:
That name you think you may have just heard, you were mistaken. If you ever mention hearing that name in this room, in this context, I guarantee you, on behalf of the British Security Services, that materials will be found on your computer hard-drives resulting in your immediate incarceration. Don't reply, just look frightened and scuttle.

Mycroft Holmes:
Also... your loss would break my heart.

Sherlock Holmes:
[coughs] What the hell am I supposed to say to that?

Mycroft Holmes:
Merry Christmas.

Sherlock Holmes:
You hate Christmas.

Mycroft Holmes:
Yes. Perhaps there was something in the punch.

Sherlock Holmes:
Clearly. Go and have some more.

Mum:
Are you two smoking?

Mycroft Holmes:
No!

Sherlock Holmes:
It was Mycroft!

Mycroft Holmes:
Why are we doing this? We never do this.

Mum:
We are here because Sherlock is home from hospital, and we are all very happy.

Mycroft Holmes:
Am I happy, too? I haven't checked.

Dad:
I could never bear to argue with her - I'm something of a moron myself - but she's... unbelievably hot.

Dr. John Watson:
I don't understand.

Charles Magnussen:
You should have that on a t-shirt.

Dr. John Watson:
[... much later] I still don't understand.

Charles Magnussen:
And there's the back of the t-shirt.

Dr. John Watson:
The problems of your past are your business. The problems of your future are my privilege.

Mary Morstan:
But he's dead. I mean, you told me he was dead - Moriarty.

Dr. John Watson:
Absolutely. Blew his own brains out.

Mary Morstan:
So how can he be back?

Dr. John Watson:
Well if he is, he'd better wrap up warm. There's an east wind coming.

Sherlock Holmes:
I've dealt with murderers, psychopaths, terrorists, serial killers - none of them can turn my stomach like Charles Augustus Magnussen.

Sherlock Holmes:
[Door busts out. Sherlock comes out with John following him, both shouting angrily] For God's sakes, John! I'm on a case!

Dr. John Watson:
A month! That's all it took! One!

Sherlock Holmes:
Working!

Dr. John Watson:
Sherlock Holmes, in a drug den! How's that gonna look?

Sherlock Holmes:
I'm undercover.

Dr. John Watson:
No, you're not!

Sherlock Holmes:
Well, I'm not NOW!

Bill Wiggins:
You broke my arm!

Dr. John Watson:
Nope, I sprained it.

Bill Wiggins:
It feels squishy. Is it supposed to feel squishy? Feel there!

[Extends arm to John]

Dr. John Watson:
Yeah, it's a sprain. I'm a doctor. I know how to sprain people. Now where is Isaac Whitney?

Bill Wiggins:
I don't know. Maybe upstairs.

Dr. John Watson:
[pats Billy on the leg] There you go. Wasn't that easy?

Bill Wiggins:
No, it was really sore. Mental you are.

Dr. John Watson:
Nope, just used to a better class of criminal.

Isaac Whitney:
Dr. Watson?

Dr. John Watson:
Yep.

Isaac Whitney:
Where am I?

Dr. John Watson:
The arse-end of the universe with the scum of the Earth. Look at me.

Isaac Whitney:
Have you come for me?

Dr. John Watson:
D'you think I know a lot of people here?

[Isaac laughs hazily]

Dr. John Watson:
Hey, you all right?

Sherlock Holmes:
[in the corner behind John, turning to reveal his face] Oh, hello, John! Didn't expect to see you here. Come for me, too?

Bill Wiggins:
All right, Shezza?

Dr. John Watson:
"Shezza"?

Sherlock Holmes:
I was undercover.

Mary Morstan:
Seriously, "Shezza" though?

Dr. John Watson:
We're not going to home, we're going to Barts. I'm calling Molly.

Mary Morstan:
Why?

Dr. John Watson:
[while holding up phone to ear] Because Sherlock Holmes needs to pee in a jar.

Bill Wiggins:
Is it his shirt?

Sherlock Holmes:
I'm sorry?

Bill Wiggins:
Well, it's the creases, innit? The two creases down the front. It's been recently folded but it's not new. You must have dressed in a hurry this morning - so all your shirts must be kept like that. But why? Maybe 'cause you cycle to work every morning, shower when you get there an' then dress in the clothes you brought with ya. You keep your shirts folded ready to pack.

Sherlock Holmes:
Not bad.

Bill Wiggins:
An' I further deduce you've only started recently because you've got a bit of chafing.

Sherlock Holmes:
No, he's always walked like that. Remind me, what's your name again?

Bill Wiggins:
They call me the Wig.

Sherlock Holmes:
No they don't.

Bill Wiggins:
[awkwardly] Well, they... they call me Wiggy.

Sherlock Holmes:
Nope.

Bill Wiggins:
Bill. Bill Wiggins.

Sherlock Holmes:
Nice observational skills, Billy.

Dr. John Watson:
There's nothing the matter with me! Imagine I said that without shouting.

Dr. John Watson:
It's for a case, you said.

Sherlock Holmes:
Yep.

Dr. John Watson:
What sort of case?

Sherlock Holmes:
Too big and dangerous for any sane individual to get involved in.

Dr. John Watson:
You're trying to put me off?

Sherlock Holmes:
God, no. I'm trying to recruit you.

Sherlock Holmes:
You know Magnussen as a newspaper owner, but he is so much more than that. He uses his power and wealth to gain information. The more he acquires, the greater his wealth and power, and I'm not exaggerating when I say that he knows the critical pressure point on every person of note or influence in the whole of the Western world and probably beyond. He is the Napoleon of blackmail, and he's created an unassailable architecture of forbidden knowledge. Its name is Appledore.

Dr. John Watson:
Dinner.

Sherlock Holmes:
Sorry, what? Dinner?

Dr. John Watson:
Me and Mary coming for... dinner with... wine and... sitting.

Sherlock Holmes:
Seriously? I've just told you that the Western world is run from this house, and you want to talk about dinner?

Dr. John Watson:
Fine. Talk about the house.

Sherlock Holmes:
It is the greatest repository of sensitive and dangerous information anywhere in the world, the Alexandrian library of secrets and scandals, and none of it is on a computer. He's smart. Computers can be hacked. It's all on hard copy in vaults underneath that house; and, as long as it is, the personal freedom of anyone you've ever met is a fantasy.

[at Sherlock's apartment]

Sherlock Holmes:
I understood we were meeting at your office.

Charles Magnussen:
This IS my office. Well, it is now.

Charles Magnussen:
Best thing about the English... you're so domesticated, always standing around, apologizing, keeping your little heads down. You can do what you like here. No one's ever gonna stop you. A nation of herbivores. I've interests all over the world but, uh, everything starts in England. If it works here, I'd try it in a REAL country. The United Kingdom, eh? Petri dish to the Western world.

Dr. John Watson:
Did you just get engaged to break into an office?

Sherlock Holmes:
Yeah. Stroke of luck meeting her at your wedding. You can take some of the credit.

Dr. John Watson:
Je... Jesus, Sherlock, she loves you.

Sherlock Holmes:
Yes. Like I said - human error.

Dr. John Watson:
What're you gonna do?

Sherlock Holmes:
Well, not actually marry her, obviously. There's only so far you can go.

Dr. John Watson:
So what will you tell her?

Sherlock Holmes:
Well, I'll tell her that our entire relationship was a ruse to get into her boss's office. I'll imagine she'll want to stop seeing me at that point, but you're the expert on women.

Mycroft Holmes:
What was directly behind you when you were murdered?

Little Sherlock:
Not been murdered yet.

Mycroft Holmes:
Balance of probability, little brother.

Sherlock Holmes:
They're putting me down, too, now. No fun is it?

Jim Moriarty:
You're gonna love being dead, Sherlock. No one ever bothers you.

Dr. John Watson:
Is everyone I've ever met a psychopath?

Sherlock Holmes:
Yes. Good that we've settled that.

Dr. John Watson:
You! What have I ever done - hm? - my whole life to deserve you?

Sherlock Holmes:
Everything.

Dr. John Watson:
Sherlock, I've told you... shut up.

Sherlock Holmes:
No, I mean it, seriously. Everything - everything you've ever done - is what you did.

Dr. John Watson:
Sherlock, one more word and you will not need morphine.

Sherlock Holmes:
You were a doctor who went to war. You're a man who couldn't stay in the suburbs for more than a month without storming a crack den, beating up a junkie. Your best friend is a sociopath who solves crimes as an alternative to getting high. That's me, by the way. Hello. Even the landlady used to run a drug cartel.

Mrs. Hudson:
It was my husband's cartel. I was just typing.

Sherlock Holmes:
And exotic dancing.

Sherlock Holmes:
John, you are addicted to a certain lifestyle. You're abnormally attracted to dangerous situations and people, so is it truly such a surprise that the woman you fall in love with conforms to that pattern.

Sherlock Holmes:
Right here, right now, what... is... she?

Dr. John Watson:
[sniffs] Okay. Your way. Always your way.

[clears throat, places a chair in the middle of the room]

Dr. John Watson:
Sit.

Mary Morstan:
Why?

Dr. John Watson:
Because that's where they sit - the people who come in here with their stories - the... the clients. That's all you are now, Mary. You're a client. This is where you sit and talk, and this is where we sit and listen, then we decide if we want you or not.

[All sit in their designated chairs]

Charles Magnussen:
Everything's available for a price. You making me an offer?

Sherlock Holmes:
A christmas present.

Charles Magnussen:
Then what are you giving me for Christmas, Mr. Holmes?

Sherlock Holmes:
My brother.

Charles Magnussen:
Mycroft's pressure point is his junkie detective brother Sherlock. Sherlock's pressure point is his best friend John Watson. John Watson's pressure point is his wife. I own John Watson's wife, I own Mycroft.

Charles Magnussen:
Come on, for Mary, bring me your face.

Mycroft Holmes:
As my colleague is fond of remarking, this country sometimes needs a blunt instrument. Equally, it sometimes needs a dagger - a scalpel wielded with precision and without remorse.

Mum:
Behave, Myke.

Mycroft Holmes:
Mycroft is the name you gave me if you can possibly struggle your way to the end.

Dr. John Watson:
The game is over.

Sherlock Holmes:
The game is never over, John. But there may be some new players now. That's OK, the East Wind takes us all in the end.

Dr. John Watson:
What's that?

Sherlock Holmes:
It's a story my brother told me when we were kids. The East Wind is a terrifying force that lays waste to all in its path. It seeks out the unworthy and plucks them from the earth. That was generally me.

Dr. John Watson:
Nice.

Sherlock Holmes:
He's a rubbish big brother.

Mycroft Holmes:
[on Magnussen] I'm just curious, though. It's hardly your usual kind of puzzle. Why do you hate him?

Sherlock Holmes:
Because he attacks people who are different and preys on their secrets. Why don't you?

Charles Magnussen:
[to John] Let me flick your face.

Jim Moriarty:
[singing] It's raining/ it's pouring/ Sherlock is boring. It's raining/ I'm crying/ Sherlock is dying.

Jim Moriarty:
[singing] It's raining, it's pouring/ Sherlock is boring. I'm laughing, I'm crying/ Sherlock is dying.

Jim Moriarty:
John Watson is definitely in danger.

Mary Morstan:
People like Magnussen should be killed. That's why there are people like me.

Sherlock Holmes:
Now if you'll excuse me, I have a hanging in Wandsworth and I'ld hate them to start without me.

Sherlock Holmes:
[to Dr. Watson] And you're clearly acclimatized to never getting to the end of a sentence. We'll get along splendidly.

Boy:
Did you catch a murderer Mr. Holmes?

Sherlock Holmes:
Caught the murderer, still looking for the legs. I think we will call it a draw.

Mrs. Hudson:
Mr. Holmes, I do wish you'd let me know when you're planning to come home.

Sherlock Holmes:
I hardly knew myself Mrs. Hudson. That's the trouble with dismembered country squires, they are notoriously difficult to schedule.

Mrs. Hudson:
And I noticed you published another of your stories, Dr. Watson.

Dr. John Watson:
Yes, did you enjoy it?

Mrs. Hudson:
No.

Dr. John Watson:
Oh?

Mrs. Hudson:
I never enjoy them.

Dr. John Watson:
Why not?

Mrs. Hudson:
Well, I never say anything do I? According to you, I just show people up the stairs and serve you breakfast.

Dr. John Watson:
Well, within the narrative that is, broadly speaking, your function.

Mrs. Hudson:
My *what*?

Sherlock Holmes:
Don't feel singled out, Mrs Hudson. I'm hardly in the dog one.

Dr. John Watson:
The dog one?

Mrs. Hudson:
I'm your landlady, not a plot device.

Dr. John Watson:
Do you mean 'Hound of the Baskervilles'?

Sherlock Holmes:
[shouting to Mrs. Hudson who is downstairs] Good Lord. Mrs Hudson, there is a woman in my sitting room. Is it intentional?

Mrs. Hudson:
[replying from downstairs] She's a client, said you were out, insisted on waiting.

Dr. John Watson:
Would you, uh... care to sit down?

Sherlock Holmes:
Didn't you ask her what she wanted?

Mrs. Hudson:
You ask her!

Sherlock Holmes:
Why didn't you ask her?

Mrs. Hudson:
How could I, with me not talking and everything?

Sherlock Holmes:
Oh. [to Dr. Watson] For god's sake, give her some lines, she's perfectly capable of starving us.

Mrs. Hudson:
You make the rooms so drab and dingy.

Dr. John Watson:
Oh blame it on the illustrator, he is out of control. I had to grow this moustache just so that people would recognize me.

Sherlock Holmes:
[to a new client] Good afternoon. I'm Sherlock Holmes, this is my friend and colleague Dr. Watson. You may speak freely in front of him, as he rarely understands a word.

DI Lestrade:
Mrs. Hudson didnt't seem to be talking.

Sherlock Holmes:
I fear she has branched into literary criticism by mean of satire. It is a distressing trend in the modern landlady.

Sherlock Holmes:
Fear is wisdom in the face of danger, it is nothing to be ashamed of.

Dr. John Watson:
[after DI Lestrade's recount of recent events] Extraordinary!

Mary Morstan:
Impossible!

Sherlock Holmes:
Superb! Suicide as street theatre; murder by corpse. Lestrade, you're spoiling us.

Dr. John Watson:
Where are we going?

Sherlock Holmes:
To the morgue, there's not a moment to lose. Which one can so rarely say of the morgue.

Mary Morstan:
I'm part of a campaign, you know.

DI Lestrade:
Campaign?

Mary Morstan:
Votes for women.

DI Lestrade:
And you, you for, or against?

Professor Moriarty:
Dead is the new sexy.

DI Lestrade:
I thought you understood everything.

Sherlock Holmes:
Of course not, that would be an appalling waste of brain space. I specialize.

Sherlock Holmes:
[to DI Lestrade] Pay Mrs. Hudson a visit on your way out. She likes to feel involved.

Dr. John Watson:
[being angry with the maid] If it wasn't my wife's business to talk to the staff, I would talk to you myself.

Dr. John Watson:
[talking about his wife, Mary] Where did she go, she's always out these days.

Watsons' maid:
Not unlike yourself... sir.

Dr. John Watson:
I'm sorry?

Watsons' maid:
Just observing, sir.

Dr. John Watson:
Well, that's quite enough; nobody asked you to be observant.

Watsons' maid:
Sorry sir, I just meant you are hardly ever home together any more, sir.

Dr. John Watson:
You are dangerously close to impertinence. I shall have a word with my wife to have a word with you.

Watsons' maid:
[with a bit irony] Very good, sir. And when will you be seeing her?

Dr. John Watson:
[to Mycroft, regarding his eating habits] This level of consumption is incredibly injurious to your health, your heart.

Sherlock Holmes:
No need to worry on that score, Watson. There's only a large cavity where that organ should reside.

Mycroft Holmes:
It's a family trait.

Sherlock Holmes:
Oh, I wasn't being critical.

Sherlock Holmes:
[telegram to Watson] COME AT ONCE IF CONVENIENT. IF INCONVENIENT, COME ALL THE SAME. HOLMES.

Sherlock Holmes:
May I ask, how is your husband this morning?

Lady Carmichael:
He refuses to speak about the matter. Obviously I have urged him to leave the house.

Sherlock Holmes:
No, no, he must stay exactly where he is.

Lady Carmichael:
Well, you don't think he's in danger?

Sherlock Holmes:
Oh no, someone definitely wants to kill him, but that's good for us. You can't set a trap without bait.

Lady Carmichael:
My husband is not bait, Mr. Holmes.

Sherlock Holmes:
No, but he could be if we play our cards right.

[enthusiastically]

Sherlock Holmes:
Now listen. You must go home immediately; Dr Watson and I will follow on the next train. There's not a moment to lose; Sir Eustace is to die tonight.

Dr. John Watson:
Holmes!

Sherlock Holmes:
And we should probably avoid that.

Dr. John Watson:
Definitely.

Sherlock Holmes:
[correcting himself] Definitely avoid that.

Sherlock Holmes:
Since when have you had any kind of imagination?

Dr. John Watson:
Perhaps since I convinced the reading public that an unprincipled drug addict was some kind of gentleman hero.

Sherlock Holmes:
You may, however, rest assured there are no ghosts in this world. Save those we make for ourselves.

Sherlock Holmes:
Your wife can see worlds where no-one else can see anything of value whatsoever.

Sir Carmichael:
Can she really? And how do you "deduce" that, Mr. Holmes?

Sherlock Holmes:
She married you. I assume she was capable of finding a reason.

Sherlock Holmes:
We all have a past, Watson. Ghosts. They are the shadows that define our every sunny day.

Dr. John Watson:
Holmes, against absolutely no opposition whatsoever, I am your closest friend.

Sherlock Holmes:
[annoyed by Watson's questions about his emotional life] Dear Lord, I have never been so impatient to be attacked by a murderous ghost.

DI Lestrade:
[after a failed attempt by Sherlock to catch a murderer] You really mustn't blame yourself, you know.

Sherlock Holmes:
No, you're quite right.

Dr. John Watson:
I'm glad you're seeing sense.

Sherlock Holmes:
Watson is equally culpable. Between us, we've managed to botch this whole case.

Sherlock Holmes:
[angry, as Watson seems to believe in ghosts] Use your brain, such as it is, to eliminate the impossible, which in this case is the ghost, and observe what remains, which in this case is a solution so blindingly obvious even Lestrade could work it out!

DI Lestrade:
[talking about Sherlock] He said, "There's only one suspect," and then he just walks away and now he won't explain.

Mrs. Hudson:
Which is strange, because he likes that bit.

DI Lestrade:
Said it's so simple I could solve it.

Mrs. Hudson:
I'm sure he was exaggerating.

Sherlock Holmes:
[in his apartment, to Moriarty] For the sake of Mrs. Hudson's wallpaper, I must remind you that one false move with your finger and you will be dead.

Sherlock Holmes:
I saw you die. Why aren't you dead?

Professor Moriarty:
Because it's not the fall that kills you, Sherlock. Of all people, you should know that. It's not the fall, it's never the fall. It's the landing!

Sherlock Holmes:
[when being confronted about his substance abuse] I'm not an addict, I'm a user. I alleviate boredom and occasionally heighten my thought processes.

Mycroft Holmes:
I have access to the top level of the MI5 archive.

Mary Morstan:
[already looking at that archive via her phone] Yep, that's where I'm looking.

Mycroft Holmes:
What do you think of MI5 security?

Mary Morstan:
I think it would be a good idea.

Dr. John Watson:
[being furious with Sherlock] I'm an army doctor, which means I could break every bone in your body while naming them.

Mary Morstan:
I've been making enquiries. Mr. Holmes asked me.

Dr. John Watson:
[to Sherlock] Holmes, how could you?

Mary Morstan:
No, not him, the clever one.

Sherlock Holmes:
Every great cause has martyrs. Every war has suicide missions and make no mistake, this is war. One half of the human race at war with the other. The invisible army hovering at our elbow, tending to our homes, raising our children. Ignored, patronised, disregarded. Not allowed so much as a vote. But an army nonetheless, ready to rise up in the best of causes. To put right an injustice as old as humanity itself. So you see, Watson, Mycroft was right. This is a war we must lose.

Dr. John Watson:
[to Sherlock] I'm taking Mary home.

Mary Morstan:
You're what?

Dr. John Watson:
Mary's taking me home.

Mary Morstan:
Better.

Sherlock Holmes:
Moriarty's dead!

Professor Moriarty:
Not in your mind. I'll never be dead there. You once called your brain a hard drive. Well, say hello to the virus.

Sherlock Holmes:
Thank you, John.

Dr. John Watson:
Since when do you call me John?

Sherlock Holmes:
You'd be surprised.

Dr. John Watson:
No, I wouldn't. Time you woke up, Sherlock. I'm a story-teller; I know when I'm in one.

Sherlock Holmes:
Course, of course you do, John.

Dr. John Watson:
So what's he like? The other me, in the other place?

Sherlock Holmes:
Smarter than he looks.

Dr. John Watson:
Pretty damn smart, then.

Sherlock Holmes:
Pretty damn smart.

Sherlock Holmes:
Between you and me, John, I always survive a fall.

Dr. John Watson:
But how?

Sherlock Holmes:
Elementary, my dear Watson.

Sherlock Holmes:
Moriarty is dead, no question. More importantly, I know exactly what he's going to do next.

Mycroft Holmes:
Sherlock, listen to me.

Sherlock Holmes:
No, it only encourages you.

Mycroft Holmes:
I'm not angry with you.

Sherlock Holmes:
Oh, that's a relief, I was really worried. No... hold on, I really wasn't.

Mycroft Holmes:
I was there for you before. I'll be there for you again. I'll always be there for you. This was my fault.

Sherlock Holmes:
It was nothing to do with you.

Mycroft Holmes:
A week in a prison cell, I should have realised.

Sherlock Holmes:
Realised what?

Mycroft Holmes:
That, in your case, solitary confinement is locking you up with your worst enemy.

Sherlock Holmes:
It's never twins. Not even secret twins.

Lady Carmichael:
[sees orange pips] Why Eustace, what does this mean?

Sir Carmichael:
Death

Lady Carmichael:
[little laugh] What?

Sir Carmichael:
It means death

Lady Carmichael:
You promised to keep him safe... you promised.

Sherlock Holmes:
[after Watson corrects his deduction] My Boswell is learning. They do grow up so fast.

Sherlock Holmes:
Come, Watson, come. The game is afoot!

Dr. John Watson:
[handing Holmes the deerstalker] You're Sherlock Holmes. Wear the damn hat!

[last lines]

Dr. John Watson:
As for your own... tale, are you sure it's still just a seven percent solution that you take? I think you may have increased the dosage.

Sherlock Holmes:
Perhaps I was being a little fanciful. But perhaps such things could come to pass. In any case I know I would be very much at home in such a world.

Dr. John Watson:
Well, don't think I would be.

Sherlock Holmes:
I beg to differ.But then I've always known I was a man out of his time.

Sherlock Holmes:
I need to get some air - we're going out tonight.

Dr John Watson:
Actually, I've, uh, got a date.

Sherlock Holmes:
What?

Dr John Watson:
It's where two people who like each other go out and have fun?

Sherlock Holmes:
That's what *I* was suggesting.

Dr John Watson:
No, it wasn't. At least I hope not.

Dr John Watson:
Where are we headed?

Sherlock Holmes:
I need to ask some advice.

Dr John Watson:
What? Sorry?

Sherlock Holmes:
You heard me perfectly, I'm not saying it again.

Dr John Watson:
Yeah, I didn't get the shopping.

Sherlock Holmes:
What? Why not?

Dr John Watson:
Because I had a row, in the shop, with a chip and pin machine!

Sherlock Holmes:
Y... you had a row with a machine?

Dr John Watson:
Sort of. It sat there and I shouted abuse.

Sarah:
Eh, so these numbers, it's a cypher?

Sherlock Holmes:
[annoyed] Exactly.

Sarah:
And each pair of numbers is a word?

Sherlock Holmes:
How did you know that?

Sarah:
Well, two words have already been translated. Here.

Dr John Watson:
No, I'm Sherlock Holmes and I always work alone because no one else can compete with my massive intellect!

Sherlock Holmes:
So, you're doing well. You've been abroad a lot.

Seb Wilkes:
Well... some.

Sherlock Holmes:
Flying all the way around the world, twice in a month.

Seb Wilkes:
[laughs] Right. You're doing that thing.

Seb Wilkes:
[to John] We were at uni together. This guy here had a trick he used to do.

Sherlock Holmes:
It's not a trick.

Seb Wilkes:
He could look at you and tell your whole life story.

Dr John Watson:
Yes, I've seen him do it.

Seb Wilkes:
Put the wind up everybody. We hated him. We'd come down to breakfast in the formal hall and this freak would know you'd been shagging the previous night.

Sherlock Holmes:
I simply observed.

Seb Wilkes:
Go on, enlighten me. "Two trips a month flying all the way around the world." You're quite right. How could you tell? Your gonna tell me there was a stain on my tie from some special kind of ketchup you can only buy in Manhatten?

Sherlock Holmes:
No, I...

Seb Wilkes:
Or it was the mud on my shoes?

Sherlock Holmes:
I was just chatting with your secretary outside. She told me.

Dr John Watson:
"Two trips around the world this month". You didn't ask his secretary. You said that just to irritate him. How did you know?

Sherlock Holmes:
Did you see his watch?

Dr John Watson:
His watch?

Sherlock Holmes:
The time is right but the date was wrong. It said two days ago. Crossed the dateline twice but he didn't alter it.

[Sherlock buzzes Van Coon's neighbor]

Eddie's Neighbour:
Hello?

Sherlock Holmes:
Hi, um, I live in the flat just below you. I-I don't think we've met!

Eddie's Neighbour:
No, well, er, I just moved in.

Sherlock Holmes:
[grimaces] Actually, I've just locked my keys in my flat!

Eddie's Neighbour:
You want me to buzz you in?

Sherlock Holmes:
Yeah, and can we use your balcony?

Eddie's Neighbour:
What?

[Cuts to Sherlock jumping off of her balcony onto the one below it]

[first lines]

Soo Lin Yao:
The great artisans say, the more a teapot is used, the more beautiful it becomes.

Grocery Scanner:
Item not scanned. Please try again.

Dr John Watson:
Do you think you could keep your voice down!

Dr John Watson:
[to bound and gagged Sarah] Don't worry. Next date won't be like this.

[last lines]

Opera Singer:
I will not reveal your identity.

M:
[via text message] I am certain.

[laser sight draws on her forehead]

Dr John Watson:
Hi, I have, uh, two tickets reserved for tonight.

Ticket Seller:
And what's the name?

Dr John Watson:
Uh, Holmes.

Ticket Seller:
Actually, I have three in that name.

Dr John Watson:
No, I don't think so. We only booked two.

Sherlock Holmes:
[from off screen] Then I phoned back and got one for myself as well.

Sherlock Holmes:
We'll just slip off. No need to mention us in your report.

DI Dimmock:
Mr. Holmes...

Sherlock Holmes:
I have high hopes for you, Inspector. A glittering career.

DI Dimmock:
[ruefully] If I go where you point me?

Sherlock Holmes:
Exactly.

Sherlock Holmes:
[as John enters the room] I said, "Could you pass me a pen?"

Dr John Watson:
What? When?

Sherlock Holmes:
About an hour ago.

Dr John Watson:
Didn't notice I'd gone out then?

Dr John Watson:
Is that my computer?

Sherlock Holmes:
Of course.

Dr John Watson:
What?

Sherlock Holmes:
Mine was in the bedroom.

Dr John Watson:
What, and you couldn't be bothered to get up. [realizing] It's password-protected.

Sherlock Holmes:
In a manner of speaking.

Sherlock Holmes:
Those symbols at the bank - the graffiti - why were they put there?

Dr John Watson:
It was some sort of code?

Sherlock Holmes:
Obviously. Why were they painted? If you want to communicate, why not use email?

Dr John Watson:
Well, maybe he wasn't answering.

Sherlock Holmes:
Oh, good, you follow.

Dr John Watson:
Nope.

Sherlock Holmes:
You've been a while.

Dr John Watson:
Yeah, well, you know how it is. Custody sergeants don't really like to be hurried, do they? Just formalities. Fingerprints. Charge sheet. And I've got to be in magistrate's court on Tuesday.

Sherlock Holmes:
What?

Dr John Watson:
Me, Sherlock. In court. On Tuesday. They're giving me an ASBO.

Sherlock Holmes:
Good. Fine.

Dr John Watson:
You wanna tell your little pal he's welcome to go and own up anytime.

Dr John Watson:
It's been painted over. I don't understand. It... it was... here. Ten minutes ago. I saw it. A whole lot of graffiti.

Sherlock Holmes:
Somebody doesn't want me to see it.

[he grabs Watson's head]

Dr John Watson:
Hey. Sherlock, what are you...

Sherlock Holmes:
Shh! John, concentrate! I need you to concentrate. Close your eyes.

Dr John Watson:
No. What? Why? Why? What are you doing?

Sherlock Holmes:
I need you to maximize your visual memory. Try to picture what you saw. Can you picture it?

Dr John Watson:
Yeah.

Sherlock Holmes:
Can you remember it?

Dr John Watson:
Yes. Definitely.

Sherlock Holmes:
Can you remember the pattern?

Dr John Watson:
Yes!

Sherlock Holmes:
How much can you remember it?

Dr John Watson:
Well, don't worry.

Sherlock Holmes:
Because the average human memory on visual matters is only 62 percent accurate.

Dr John Watson:
Yeah, well, don't worry, I remember all of it.

Sherlock Holmes:
Really?

Dr John Watson:
Yeah, well, at least I would if I can get to my pockets. I took a photograph.

Sherlock Holmes:
[while being shot at at the Museum] Careful! Some of those skulls are over two hundred thousand years old. Have a bit of respect!

[the gunfire stops]

Sherlock Holmes:
Thank you.

Sarah:
Eh, I mean, I love to go out of an evening and wrestle a few Chinese gangsters, you know - generally - but a girl can get too much.

Sherlock Holmes:
Look at the case. There was something tightly packed inside it.

Dr John Watson:
Thanks, I'll... take your word for it.

Sherlock Holmes:
Problem?

Dr John Watson:
Yeah, I'm not desperate to root around some bloke's dirty underwear.

Opera Singer:
Three times we try to kill you and your companion, Mr. Holmes. What does it tell you when an assassin can not shoot straight? It tells you that they're not really trying.

Dr John Watson:
A hairpin for nine million pounds.

Sherlock Holmes:
Apparently.

Dr John Watson:
Why so much?

Sherlock Holmes:
Depends who owned it.

Mrs. Hudson:
Oh, I'm really pleased, Mary. Have you set a date?

Mary Morstan:
Uh, well, we thought May.

Mrs. Hudson:
Ah, a spring wedding.

Mary Morstan:
Yeah. Well, once we've actually got engaged.

Dr. John Watson:
Yeah.

Mary Morstan:
We were interrupted last time.

Dr. John Watson:
Yeah.

DI Lestrade:
Well, I can't wait.

Mary Morstan:
You will be there, Sherlock?

Sherlock Holmes:
Weddings - not really my thing.

Sherlock Holmes:
[voiced from the darkness as Lestade lights a cigarette] Those things will kill you.

DI Lestrade:
[with recognition] Oh, you bastard.

Sherlock Holmes:
And what about John Watson?

Mycroft Holmes:
John?

Sherlock Holmes:
Mm. Have you seen him?

Mycroft Holmes:
Oh, yes. We meet up every Friday for fish and chips.

Dr. John Watson:
Well, I've got some news.

Mrs. Hudson:
Oh, God. Is it serious?

Dr. John Watson:
What? No. No, I'm not ill. I've, er... well I'm... moving on.

Mrs. Hudson:
You're emigrating.

Dr. John Watson:
Nope, er, no, I've, er... I've met someone.

Mrs. Hudson:
Oh! Oh, lovely!

Dr. John Watson:
Yeah. We're getting married. Well, I'm gonna ask, anyway.

Mrs. Hudson:
So soon after Sherlock?

Dr. John Watson:
Hm, well, yes...

Mrs. Hudson:
What's his name?

Dr. John Watson:
[sighs] It's a woman.

Mrs. Hudson:
A woman?

Dr. John Watson:
Yes, of course it's a woman.

Mrs. Hudson:
[laughs quietly] You really have moved on, haven't you?

Dr. John Watson:
Mrs. Hudson, how many times... Sherlock was not my boyfriend.

Mrs. Hudson:
Live and let live, that's my motto.

Dr. John Watson:
Listen to me: I am not gay!

Sherlock Holmes:
I think I'll surprise John. He'll be delighted.

Mycroft Holmes:
You think so?

Sherlock Holmes:
Mm, pop into Baker Street and - who knows? - jump out of a cake.

Mycroft Holmes:
Baker Street? He isn't there anymore. Why would he be? It's been two years. He's got on with his life.

Sherlock Holmes:
What life? I've been away.

Sherlock Holmes:
Killing me - that's so two years ago.

Mycroft Holmes:
[loses game] Oh, bugger!

Sherlock Holmes:
Oopsie. Can't handle a broken heart. How *very* telling.

Mycroft Holmes:
Don't be smart.

Sherlock Holmes:
That takes me back.

[mocking Mycroft]

Sherlock Holmes:
Don't be smart, Sherlock, I'm the smart one.

Mycroft Holmes:
I *am* the smart one.

Sherlock Holmes:
I used to think I was an idiot.

Mycroft Holmes:
Both of us thought you were an idiot, Sherlock. We had nothing else to go on, till we met other children.

Sherlock Holmes:
Oh, yes, that was a mistake.

Mycroft Holmes:
Ghastly. What were they thinking of?

Sherlock Holmes:
Probably something about trying to make friends.

Mycroft Holmes:
Oh, yes. *Friends.*

Mary Morstan:
Oh, no, you're...

Sherlock Holmes:
Oh, yes.

Mary Morstan:
Oh, my god.

Sherlock Holmes:
Not quite.

Dr. John Watson:
Mind palace!

Sherlock Holmes:
Hm?

Dr. John Watson:
Use your mind palace!

Sherlock Holmes:
How will that help?

Dr. John Watson:
You sorted away every fact under the sun!

Sherlock Holmes:
Oh, and you think I've just got "How to defuse a bomb" tucked away in there somewhere?

Dr. John Watson:
YES!

Sherlock Holmes:
...maybe.

Anderson:
I believe in Sherlock Holmes.

DI Lestrade:
Yeah, well, that won't bring him back.

Mary Morstan:
God, I had six months of bristly kisses for me, and then His Nibbs turns up...

Dr. John Watson:
I don't shave for Sherlock Holmes.

Mary Morstan:
[sighs] You should put that on a t-shirt.

Sherlock Holmes:
Moriarty slipped up. He made a mistake, because the one person he thought didn't matter at all to me was the one person who mattered the most. You made it all possible.

Sherlock Holmes:
Neat, don't you think?

Anderson:
Hm...

Sherlock Holmes:
What?

Anderson:
Not the way I'd have done it.

Dr. John Watson:
[with a time bomb ticking] So what do we do?

Sherlock Holmes:
I've no idea.

Dr. John Watson:
Well, think of something.

Sherlock Holmes:
Why do you think I know what to do?

Dr. John Watson:
Because you're Sherlock Holmes - you're as clever as it gets.

Sherlock Holmes:
Doesn't mean I know how to diffuse a giant bomb. What about you?

Dr. John Watson:
I wasn't in bomb disposal. I'm a bloody doctor.

Sherlock Holmes:
And a soldier, as you keep reminding us all.

Dr. John Watson:
Can't we... can't we rip their timer off or something?

Sherlock Holmes:
But that would set it off.

Dr. John Watson:
You see? You know things!

Dr. John Watson:
I wanted you not to be dead!

Sherlock Holmes:
Yeah, well, be careful what you wish for.

Sherlock Holmes:
Fancy some chips?

Molly Hooper:
What?

Sherlock Holmes:
I know a fantastic fish shop just off the Marlament road. The owner always gives me extra portions.

Molly Hooper:
Did you get him off a murder charge?

Sherlock Holmes:
Nope, I helped him put up some shelves.

Dr. John Watson:
[seeing a coupe scooted from the room] Clients?

Sherlock Holmes:
Just my parents.

Dr. John Watson:
Your parents?

Sherlock Holmes:
In town for a few days.

Dr. John Watson:
YOUR parents?

Sherlock Holmes:
Mycroft promised to take them to a matinee of Les Mis. Tried to talk me into doing it.

Dr. John Watson:
Those were your parents?

Sherlock Holmes:
Yes.

Dr. John Watson:
Well. THAT is not... what I...

Sherlock Holmes:
What?

Dr. John Watson:
I-I mean, they're... just... so... ordinary.

Sherlock Holmes:
It's a cross I have to bear.

Dr. John Watson:
You'd have to be an idiot not to see it. You love it.

Sherlock Holmes:
Love what?

Dr. John Watson:
Being Sherlock Holmes.

Sherlock Holmes:
I don't even know what that's supposed to mean.

Torturer:
[speaking in Serbian] You broke in here for a reason. Just tell us why and you can sleep. Remember sleep? Huh?... What?

[the captive whispers in his ear]

Mycroft Holmes:
[In disguise] Well? What did he say?

Torturer:
He said that I used to work in the Navy, where I had an unhappy love affair.

Mycroft Holmes:
What?

Torturer:
That the electricity isn't working in my bathroom... and that my wife is sleeping with our next door neighbor. The coffin maker? And... if I go home now, I'll catch them at it. I knew it! I knew there was something going on!

[Runs out of the interrogation room]

Sherlock Holmes:
I calculated that there were thirteen possibilities once I'd invited Moriarty onto the roof. I wanted to avoid dying, if at all possible. The first scenario involved hurling myself into a parked hospital van filled with body bags. Impossible. The angle was too steep. Secondly, a system of Japanese wrestling...

Dr. John Watson:
One word, Sherlock! That is all I would have needed! One word to let me know that you were alive!

Sherlock Holmes:
I've nearly been in contact so many times, but... I worried that, you know, you might say something indiscreet.

Dr. John Watson:
What?

Sherlock Holmes:
Oh, you know, let the cat out of the bag.

Dr. John Watson:
Oh, so this is MY fault?

[Mary starts laughing]

Dr. John Watson:
Why am I the only one who thinks that this is wrong? The only one reacting like a human being.

Sherlock Holmes:
Over-reacting.

Dr. John Watson:
[Yelling] Over-reacting!

Mary Morstan:
John!

Dr. John Watson:
Over-reacting! So you fake your own death and you waltz here, large as bloody life, but I'm not supposed to have a problem with that, no, because Sherlock Holmes thinks it's a perfectly okay thing to do!

Sherlock Holmes:
Shut up, John! I don't want everyone knowing I'm still alive.

Dr. John Watson:
Oh, so it's still a secret, is it?

Sherlock Holmes:
Yes! It's still a secret. Promise you won't tell anyone.

Anderson:
[after Laura details a conspiracy plot involving Holmes and Moriarty being in love] WHAT? Are you out of your mind?

Laura:
I don't see why not. It's just as plausible as some of your theories.

Anderson:
Look, if you're not going to take it seriously, Laura, you can...

Laura:
I do take it seriously. I don't think we should wear hats.

Anderson:
I founded the Empty Hearse so like-minded people could meet, discuss theories... Sherlock's still out there. I'm convinced of it.

[the television suddenly breaks the news of Sherlock's reappearance]

Laura:
Oh, my God. Oh. My. God.

Mycroft Holmes:
We have solid information. An attack is coming.

Sherlock Holmes:
Solid information. A secret terrorist organization's planning an attack. That's what secret terrorist organizations do, isn't it? It's their version of golf.

Mycroft Holmes:
An agent gave his life to tell us that.

Sherlock Holmes:
Oh, perhaps he shouldn't have done. He was obviously just trying to show off.

Mycroft Holmes:
[analyzing a hat] This is a chullo, the classic headgear of the Andes. It's made of Alpaca.

Sherlock Holmes:
Nope.

Mycroft Holmes:
No?

Sherlock Holmes:
Icelandic sheep wool. Similar, but very distinctive if you know what you're looking for. I've written a blog on the varying tensile strengths of different natural fibers.

Mrs. Hudson:
I'm sure there's a crying need for that.

Sherlock Holmes:
But you've missed his isolation.

Mycroft Holmes:
I don't see it.

Sherlock Holmes:
Plain as day.

Mycroft Holmes:
Where?

Sherlock Holmes:
There for all to see.

Mycroft Holmes:
Tell me.

Sherlock Holmes:
Plain as the nose on your...

Mycroft Holmes:
Tell me!

Sherlock Holmes:
Well anybody who wears a hat as stupid as this isn't in the habit of hanging around other people, is he?

Mr. Harcourt:
Well, absolutely no one should have been able to empty that bank account other than myself and Helen.

Sherlock Holmes:
Why didn't you assume it was your wife?

Mr. Harcourt:
Because I've always had total faith in her.

Sherlock Holmes:
No, it's because you emptied it.

[Points at him]

Sherlock Holmes:
Weight loss, hair dye, Botox - affair.

[Whips out a business card, he holds it out to Mrs Harcourt]

Sherlock Holmes:
Lawyer. Next!

Sherlock Holmes:
[after being head-butted by John] I don't understand. I said I'm sorry. Isn't that what you're supposed to do?

Mary Morstan:
Gosh, you don't know anything about human nature, do you?

Sherlock Holmes:
Nature? No. Human? No.

Mrs. Hudson:
Sherlock?

Sherlock Holmes:
Mm?

Mrs. Hudson:
Talk to John.

Sherlock Holmes:
I tried talking to him. He made his position quite clear.

Dr. John Watson:
[John is in his office examining a patient with an undescended testicle. He lifts a middle finger] Just relax, Mr Summers.

Mrs. Hudson:
What did he say?

Sherlock Holmes:
F...

Dr. John Watson:
[feeling his patient's testicles] Cough.

Mrs. Hudson:
Oh, dear.

Dr. John Watson:
Well, uh, surprise me.

Sherlock Holmes:
Certainly endeavoring to, sir.

Sherlock Holmes:
London. It's like a great cesspool into which all kinds of criminals, agents and drifters are irresistibly drained. Sometimes it's not a question of who. It's a question of who knows. If this man cancels his papers, I need to know. If this woman leaves London without putting her dog into kennels, I need to know. Now, certain people, they are markers. If they start to move, I'll know something's up, like rats deserting a sinking ship.

Mycroft Holmes:
If you seem slow to me, Sherlock, can you imagine what real people are like? I'm living in a world of goldfish.

Sherlock Holmes:
Yes, but I've been away for two years.

Mycroft Holmes:
So?

Sherlock Holmes:
Oh, I don't know. I thought, perhaps, you might have found yourself a... goldfish.

Mycroft Holmes:
I'm not lonely, Sherlock.

Sherlock Holmes:
How would you know?

Sherlock Holmes:
No, I prefer my doctors clean-shaven.

Dr. John Watson:
That's not a sentence you hear every day.

Sherlock Holmes:
Well, the short version, not dead.

Dr. John Watson:
[furious] Two years. Two years! I thought... I thought you were dead. Now you let me grieve. Hm? How could you do that? How?

Sherlock Holmes:
Wait, before you do anything that you might regret, um... one question, just let me ask one question.

Sherlock Holmes:
[laughing at John's moustache] Are you really gonna keep that?

[discussing John's mustache]

Mrs. Hudson:
It ages you.

Dr. John Watson:
Yeah, just trying it out.

Mrs. Hudson:
Well, it ages you.

Sherlock Holmes:
I calculated that there were thirteen possibilities once I'd invited Moriarty onto the roof. I wanted to avoid dying, if at all possible. The first scenario involved hurling myself into a parked hospital van filled with body bags. Impossible. The angle was too steep. Secondly, a system of Japanese wrestling...

Dr. John Watson:
You know, for a genius, you can be unbelievably thick.

Sherlock Holmes:
What?

Dr. John Watson:
I don't care HOW you did it. I want to know WHY.

Sherlock Holmes:
I can't be seen working with an old man.

[as he steals a woman's makeup pen from her purse]

Sherlock Holmes:
Madam, can I suggest you look at this menu? This one's completely identical.

Dr. John Watson:
I'm glad no one saw that.

Sherlock Holmes:
Hm?

Dr. John Watson:
You ripping my clothes off in a darkened swimming pool. People might talk.

Sherlock Holmes:
People do little else.

[smiles]

Jim Moriarty:
Do you know what happens if you don't leave me alone, Sherlock... to you?

Sherlock Holmes:
Oh, let me guess. I get killed?

Jim Moriarty:
Kill you? N... no, don't be obvious. I mean, I'm gonna kill you anyway, someday. I don't want to rush it though. I'm saving it up for something special. No no no no no. If you don't stop prying... I will burn you. I will burn... the heart out of you.

Sherlock Holmes:
I have been reliably informed that I don't have one.

Jim Moriarty:
But we both know that's not quite true.

Dr. John Watson:
There are lives at stake... Sherlock. Actual human li... Jus-just so I know, you care about them at all?

Sherlock Holmes:
Will caring about them help save them?

Dr. John Watson:
Nope.

Sherlock Holmes:
Then I'll continue to not make that mistake.

Dr. John Watson:
And you find that easy, do you?

Sherlock Holmes:
Yes. Very. Is that news to you?

Dr. John Watson:
No. No.

Sherlock Holmes:
I've disappointed you.

Dr. John Watson:
It's good... it's good deduction. Yeah.

Sherlock Holmes:
Don't make people into heroes John. Heroes don't exist, and if they did I wouldn't be one of them.

Dr. John Watson:
Uh, anytime you want to explain...

Sherlock Holmes:
Homeless network. Really is indispensable.

Dr. John Watson:
Homeless network.

Sherlock Holmes:
My eyes and ears all over the city.

Dr. John Watson:
Oh, that's... clever. S-so, you scratch their backs and...

Sherlock Holmes:
Yes, and then disinfect myself.

[as Moriarty is leaving]

Sherlock Holmes:
Catch. You. Later.

Jim Moriarty:
[high-pitched] No, you won't!

Jim Moriarty:
Daddy's had enough now!

Sherlock Holmes:
[after Molly introduces her new boyfriend] Gay.

Molly Hooper:
Sorry, what?

Sherlock Holmes:
Nothing. Um... Hey!

Dr. John Watson:
I'm starving. Do we have anything in?

[Opens refrigerator, sees a human head inside]

Dr. John Watson:
Oh...!

[closes door immediately, pauses, opens it again, stares for a bit, closes door]

Dr. John Watson:
There's a head... A severed head.

Sherlock Holmes:
[From other room] Just tea for me, thanks.

Dr. John Watson:
There's a head in the fridge.

Sherlock Holmes:
Yes.

Dr. John Watson:
A bloody head!

Sherlock Holmes:
Well, where else was I supposed to put it? You don't mind, do you?

Sherlock Holmes:
How's Sarah, John? How was the lie-low?

Mycroft:
Sofa, Sherlock. It was the sofa.

Sherlock Holmes:
[glancing back at John] Oh, yes, of course.

Dr. John Watson:
How...? Nevermind.

Sherlock Holmes:
[after explaining a series of complicated deductions] The picture's a fake.

Dr. John Watson:
[impressed] Fantastic.

Sherlock Holmes:
Meretricious.

DI Lestrade:
And a happy new year.

Sherlock Holmes:
Look at that, Mrs. Hudson... quiet, calm, peaceful. Isn't it hateful?

Jim Moriarty:
Is that a British Army Browning L9A1 in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?

Sherlock Holmes:
Both.

Jim Moriarty:
I've shown you what I can do - I cut loose all those people, all those little problems, even thirty million quid just to get you to come out and play - so take this as a friendly warning... my dear: Back off. Although I have loved this, this little game of ours - playing Jim from I.T., playing GAY. Did you like the little touch with the underwear?

Sherlock Holmes:
People have died.

Jim Moriarty:
[shouting] That's what people DO!

Sherlock Holmes:
See you've written up the taxi driver case. A Study in Pink. Nice.

Dr. John Watson:
Well, you know, pink lady, pink case, pink phone. There was a lot of pink. Did you like it?

Sherlock Holmes:
Um. No.

Dr. John Watson:
Why not? I thought you'd be flattered?

Sherlock Holmes:
Flattered? "Sherlock sees through everything and everyone in seconds, what's incredible though is how spectacularly ignorant he is about some things".

Dr. John Watson:
Now hang on a minute, I didn't mean...

Sherlock Holmes:
Oh, you mean spectacularly ignorant in a nice way. Look, it doesn't matter to me who's prime minister, or who's sleeping with who...

Dr. John Watson:
[quietly] Or whether the Earth goes round the Sun.

Sherlock Holmes:
Oh God that again. It's not important.

Dr. John Watson:
Not important? It's primary school stuff. How can you not know that?

Dr. John Watson:
[John arrives home to find Sherlock shooting at a smiley on the wall] What the HELL are you doing?

Sherlock Holmes:
[mumbles] Bored.

Dr. John Watson:
What?

Sherlock Holmes:
Bored!

Dr. John Watson:
[seeing Sherlock raise the gun again] No...

Sherlock Holmes:
Bored! Bored! I don't know what's got into the criminal classes. Good job I'm not one of them.

Dr. John Watson:
So you take it out on the wall?

Sherlock Holmes:
Ah, the wall had it coming.

Jim Moriarty:
I gave you my number. I thought you might call.

Dr. John Watson:
You know, I'm still waiting.

Sherlock Holmes:
Hm?

Dr. John Watson:
For you to admit that a little knowledge of the solar system and you'd've cleared up the fake painting a lot quicker.

Sherlock Holmes:
Didn't do you any good, did it?

Dr. John Watson:
Yeah, but I'm not the world's only consulting detective.

Sherlock Holmes:
True.

Jim Moriarty:
Oh, that. The missile plans. Boring. I could have got them anywhere.

Sherlock Holmes:
[re: Watson] You read his blog?

DI Lestrade:
Course I read his blog. We all do. Do you really not know that the earth goes around the sun?

[Sgt Donovan snickers]

[first lines]

Sherlock Holmes:
Just... tell me what happened from the beginning.

Dr. John Watson:
So why is he doing this, then, playing this game with you? Do you think he wants to be caught?

Sherlock Holmes:
I think he wants to be distracted.

Dr. John Watson:
[chuckles] I hope you'll be very happy together.

DI Lestrade:
Any ideas?

Sherlock Holmes:
Seven, so far.

DI Lestrade:
But what has this got to do with that painting. I don't see...

Sherlock Holmes:
You SEE, you just don't OBSERVE!

Dr. John Watson:
All right, all right. Girls, calm down.

[last lines]

Jim Moriarty:
Sorry, boys! I'm *so* changeable! It is a weakness with me, but to be fair to myself, it is my only weakness. You can't be allowed to continue. You just can't. I would try to convince you, but everything I have to say has already crossed your mind.

[Sherlock glances at John, who gives a small, almost imperceptible nod]

Sherlock Holmes:
Probably my answer has crossed yours.

[shifts his gun aim to the bomb]

Miss Wenceslas:
Who are you?

Sherlock Holmes:
Sherlock Holmes.

Miss Wenceslas:
Am I supposed to be impressed?

Sherlock Holmes:
You should be. Have a nice day!

Jim Moriarty:
Now you're in my way.

Sherlock Holmes:
Thank you.

Jim Moriarty:
Didn't mean it as a compliment.

Sherlock Holmes:
Yes, you did.

Jim Moriarty:
Yeah, okay, I did!

Sherlock Holmes:
[after solving the second case in a few hours] I am on FIRE!

Mycroft:
Think about it, Sherlock. Don't make me order you.

Sherlock Holmes:
I'd like to see you try.

Miss Wenceslas:
[approaching Sherlock, who is disguised as a security guard] Don't you have something to do?

Sherlock Holmes:
Just admiring the view.

Miss Wenceslas:
Yes, lovely. Now go back to work. We open tonight.

Sherlock Holmes:
Doesn't it bother you?

Miss Wenceslas:
What?

Sherlock Holmes:
That the painting's a fake?

Miss Wenceslas:
What?

Sherlock Holmes:
It's a fake. It has to be. It's the only possible explanation. You are in charge, aren't you, Miss Wenceslas?

Miss Wenceslas:
Who are you?

Sherlock Holmes:
Alex Woodbridge knew that the painting was a fake, so somebody sent the Golem to take care of him. Was it you?

Miss Wenceslas:
Golem? What the hell are you talking about?

Sherlock Holmes:
Are you working for someone else? Did you fake it for them?

Miss Wenceslas:
It's not a fake.

Sherlock Holmes:
It is a fake. I don't know why, but there's something wrong with it. There has to be.

Miss Wenceslas:
What the hell are you on about? You know, I could have you sacked on the spot.

Sherlock Holmes:
Not a problem.

Miss Wenceslas:
No?

Sherlock Holmes:
No, I don't work here, you see. Just popped in to give you a bit of friendly advice.

Miss Wenceslas:
How did you get in?

Sherlock Holmes:
[scoffs] Please.

Miss Wenceslas:
I want to know.

Sherlock Holmes:
The art of disguise is knowing how to hide in plain sight.

Sherlock Holmes:
Mycroft never texts if he can talk.

Sherlock Holmes:
[to Watson] I'd be lost without my blogger.

Bezza:
Hey, you gotta help me, Mr. Holmes. Everyone says you're the best. Without you, I get hung for this.

Sherlock Holmes:
No, no, no, Mr. Bezza. Not at all. "Hanged", yes.

Crying Woman:
[sobbing over the phone] I've... sent you... a little puzzle... just to say hi.

Sherlock Holmes:
Who's talking? Why are you crying?

Crying Woman:
I-I'm not crying. I'm typing, and... this... stupid... b*tch... is reading it out.

Sherlock Holmes:
[to himself] The curtain rises.

Dr. John Watson:
What?

Sherlock Holmes:
Nothing.

Dr. John Watson:
No, what did you mean?

Sherlock Holmes:
I've been expecting this for some time.

Crying Woman:
Twelve... hours... to solve... my puzzle... Sherlock, or... I'm... going... to be... so... naughty.

Sherlock Holmes:
The only mystery is this: Why is my brother so determined to bore me when somebody else is being so delightfully interesting?

DI Lestrade:
Why is he doing this, the bomber? If this woman's death was suspicious, why point it up?

Sherlock Holmes:
Good Samaritan.

DI Lestrade:
Who pressgangs suicide bombers?

Sherlock Holmes:
Bad Samaritan.

Jim Moriarty:
Jim? Jim from the hospital? Oh, did I really make such a fleeting impression? But then I suppose that was rather the point.

Sherlock Holmes:
[covered head to toe in blood, holding a harpoon] Well, that was tedious.

Dr. John Watson:
You went on the tube like that?

Sherlock Holmes:
None of the cabs would take me.

Henry Knight:
It's a strange place, the Hollow. Makes you feel so cold inside, so afraid.

Sherlock Holmes:
Yes, if I wanted poetry, I'd read John's emails to his girlfriends. Much funnier.

Sherlock Holmes:
Boring! Goodbye, Mr. Knight. Thank you for smoking.

Sherlock Holmes:
I'll take the case.

Dr. John Watson:
Sorry, what?

Sherlock Holmes:
Thank you for bringing this to my attention. It's very promising.

Dr. John Watson:
No no no. Sorry, what? A minute ago footprints were boring, and now they're very promising?

Sherlock Holmes:
It has nothing to do with footprints. As ever, John, you weren't listening.

Dr. John Watson:
What're you talking about, "you're busy?" You don't have a case. A minute ago you were complaining...

Sherlock Holmes:
Bluebell, John! I've got Bluebell, the case of the vanishing glow-in-the-dark rabbit. NATO's in uproar.

[as Holmes and Watson leave their apartment, they see Mrs. Hudson in the sandwich shop, shouting angrily at the owner]

Dr. John Watson:
Looks like Mrs. Hudson finally got to the wife in Doncaster.

Sherlock Holmes:
Hmm. Wait till she finds out about the one in Islamabad.

Sherlock Holmes:
Nice touch.

Dr. John Watson:
Haven't pulled rank in ages.

Sherlock Holmes:
Enjoy it?

Dr. John Watson:
Oh, yeah.

Dr. John Watson:
Did we just break into a military base to investigate a rabbit?

Sherlock Holmes:
So we know that Dr. Stapleton performs secret genetic experiments on animals. The question is, has she been working on something deadlier than a rabbit?

Dr. John Watson:
To be fair, that is quite a wide field.

Sherlock Holmes:
[via text] Henry's therapist currently in Cross Keys Pub. S

Dr. John Watson:
[via text] SO?

Sherlock Holmes:
[via text] Interview her?

Dr. John Watson:
[via text] Why should I?

[texts John a picture of the very attractive therapist]

Dr. John Watson:
Ooo, you're a bad man.

Sherlock Holmes:
Morning! Oh, how are you feeling?

Henry Knight:
I... I didn't sleep very well.

Sherlock Holmes:
That's a shame. Shall I make you some coffee? Oh, look, you've got damp!

Sherlock Holmes:
How 'bout Louise Mortimer? Did you get anywhere with her?

Dr. John Watson:
No.

Sherlock Holmes:
Too bad. Did you get any information?

Dr. John Watson:
Hm? You're being funny now?

Sherlock Holmes:
Thought it might break the ice... a bit.

Dr. John Watson:
Funny doesn't suit you. I'd stick to ice.

Sherlock Holmes:
Listen, what I said before, John, I meant it. I don't have friends. I've just got one.

Dr. John Watson:
Right.

Sherlock Holmes:
John? John! You are AMAZING, you are FANTASTIC!

Dr. John Watson:
Yes, all right. You don't have to overdo it.

Sherlock Holmes:
You've never been the most luminous of people, but as a conductor of light, you are UNBEATABLE!

Dr. John Watson:
Cheers. What?

Sherlock Holmes:
Some people who aren't geniuses have an amazing ability to stimulate it in others.

Dr. John Watson:
Hang on, you were saying sorry a minute ago. Don't spoil it. Go on. What have I done that's so bloody stimulating?

Sherlock Holmes:
Get out. I need to go to my mind palace.

Dr. John Watson:
[Mrs Hudson leaves the apartment] What the bloody hell was all that about?

Sherlock Holmes:
You don't understand.

Dr. John Watson:
Go after her and apologise.

Sherlock Holmes:
Apologise?

Dr. John Watson:
Hm.

Sherlock Holmes:
Oh, John, I envy you so much.

Dr. John Watson:
You envy me?

Sherlock Holmes:
Your mind, it's so placid, straight-forward, barely used. Mine's like an engine, racing out of control, a rocket, tearing itself to pieces, trapped on the launch pad. I NEED A CASE!

Dr. John Watson:
You've just solved one, by harpooning a dead pig, apparantly.

Sherlock Holmes:
Ghaaah, that was this morning. When's the next one?

Sherlock Holmes:
[turns the TV off] What did you see?

Henry Knight:
[points to the TV] Oh, I... I was just about to say.

Sherlock Holmes:
Yes, in a TV interview. I prefer to do my own editing.

Henry Knight:
Yes. Sorry, yes, of course. Excuse me.

[blows his nose]

Dr. John Watson:
In your own time.

Sherlock Holmes:
But quite quickly.

Sherlock Holmes:
We're looking for a dog, yes? A great big dog, that's your brilliant theory. Cherchez le chien. Good, excellent, yes. Where shall we start? How about them - the sentimental widow and her son, the unemployed fisherman? The answer's yes.

Dr. John Watson:
Yes?

Sherlock Holmes:
She's got a West Highland terrier called Whisky. Not exactly what we're looking for.

Dr. John Watson:
Sherlock, for God's sake...

Sherlock Holmes:
Look at the jumper he's wearing. Hardly worn. Clearly he's uncomfortable in it. Maybe it's because of the material; more likely the hideous pattern, suggesting it's a present, probably Christmas. So he wants into his mother's good books. Why? Almost certainly money. He's treating her to a meal but his own portion is small. That means he wants to impress her, but he's trying to economise on his own food.

Dr. John Watson:
Well, maybe he's just not hungry.

Sherlock Holmes:
No, small plate. Starter. He's practically licked it clean. She's nearly finished her pavlova. If she'd treated him, he'd have as much as he wanted. He's hungry all right, and not well off - you can tell that by the state of his cuffs and shoes.

[Imitating John:
]

Sherlock Holmes:
"How d'you know she's his mother?" Who else would give him a Christmas present like that? Well, it could be an aunt or an older sister, but mother's more likely. Now, he was a fisherman. Scarring pattern on his hands, very distinctive - fish hooks. They're all quite old now, which suggests he's been unemployed for some time. Not much industry in this part of the world, so he's turned to his widowed mother for help.

[Again, imitating John:
]

Sherlock Holmes:
"Widowed?" Yes, obviously. She's got a man's wedding ring on a chain round her neck - clearly her late husband's and too big for her finger. She's well-dressed but her jewellery's cheap. She could afford better, but she's kept it - sentimental. Now, the dog: tiny little hairs all over the leg from where it gets a little bit too friendly, but no hairs above the knees, suggesting it's a small dog, probably a terrier. In fact, it is a West Highland terrier called Whisky.

[Once again, imitating John:
]

Sherlock Holmes:
"How the hell do you know that, Sherlock?" 'Cause she was on the same train as us and I heard her calling its name and that's not cheating, that's listening, I use my senses, John, unlike some people, so you see, I am fine, in fact I've never been better, so just LEAVE ME ALONE!

Sherlock Holmes:
Twenty-year-old disappearance... a monstrous hound... I wouldn't miss this for the world!

Dr. John Watson:
Okay, what about his father? He wasn't one of your patients. Wasn't he some sort of conspiracy nutter - theorist?

Dr. Mortimer:
You're only a nutter if you're wrong.

Dr. John Watson:
Mm. And was he wrong?

Dr. Mortimer:
I should think so.

Dr. Stapleton:
Oh, back again? What's on your mind this time?

Sherlock Holmes:
Murder, Dr. Stapleton. Refined, cold-blooded murder.

Dr. John Watson:
We'll get caught.

Sherlock Holmes:
No, we won't. Well, not just yet.

Dr. John Watson:
Caught in five minutes. "Oh, hi, we just thought we'd come in and wander around your top secret weapons base." "Really? Great! Come in. Kettle's just boiled." That's if we don't get shot.

Dr. John Watson:
Nothing on the website?

Sherlock Holmes:
[hands John his laptop] "Dear Mr. Sherlock Holmes, I can't find Bluebell anywhere. Please, please, please can you help?"

Dr. John Watson:
Bluebell?

Sherlock Holmes:
A rabbit, John!

Dr. John Watson:
Oh.

Sherlock Holmes:
Ah, but there's more! Before Bluebell disappeared, it turned luminous, "like a fairy," according to little Kirsty, then the next morning Bluebell was gone, hutch still locked, no sign of a forced entry. What am I saying? This is brilliant! Phone Lestrade, tell him there's an escaped rabbit.

Sherlock Holmes:
You serious?

Sherlock Holmes:
It's this or Cluedo.

Dr. John Watson:
Ah, no, we are never playing that again.

Sherlock Holmes:
Why not?

Dr. John Watson:
Because it's not actually possible for the victim to have done it, Sherlock, that's why!

Sherlock Holmes:
Well, it's the only possible solution.

Dr. John Watson:
It's not in the rules!

Sherlock Holmes:
Well, then, the rules are wrong!

[Sherlock tears through the apartment, looking for cigarettes]

Sherlock Holmes:
Tell me where they are. Please tell me. Please.

Dr. John Watson:
Can't help, sorry.

Sherlock Holmes:
I'll let you know next week's lottery numbers.

[John snickers]

Sherlock Holmes:
It was worth a try.

Dr. John Watson:
[about Sherlock's "mind palace"] It's a memory technique, a sort of mental map. You plot a... a map with a location - it doesn't have to be a real place - and then you deposit memories there that... theoretically, you can never forget anything. All you have to do is find your way back to it.

Dr. Stapleton:
So this imaginary location could be anything - a house, a street...?

Dr. John Watson:
Yeah.

Dr. Stapleton:
It's a palace. He said it was a palace.

Dr. John Watson:
Yeah, well, he would, wouldn't he?

[about exposure to the chemical weapon at Baskerville]

Dr. John Watson:
Any long-term effects?

Sherlock Holmes:
None at all. You'll be fine once you've excreted it. We all will.

Dr. John Watson:
Hmm... think I might have taken care of that already.

Sherlock Holmes:
What happened last night, something happened to me, something I've not really experienced before.

Dr. John Watson:
Yes, you said, "fear." "Sherlock Holmes got scared" you said.

Sherlock Holmes:
No, no, no, it was more than that, John. It was doubt. I felt doubt. Always been able to trust my senses, the evidence of my own eyes, until last night.

[Doorbell rings]

Dr. John Watson:
Single ring.

Sherlock Holmes:
Maximum pressure just under the half-second.

Sherlock Holmes, Dr. John Watson:
[simultaneously] Client.

Henry Knight:
[bitterly] I'm not sure you can help me, Mr. Holmes, since you find it all so FUNNY.

Sherlock Holmes:
Because of what happened last night.

Dr. John Watson:
Why, what happened last night?

Henry Knight:
How... how do you know?

Sherlock Holmes:
I didn't know. I noticed. Came up from Devon on the first available train this morning. You had a disappointing breakfast and a cup of black coffee. The girl in the seat across the aisle fancied you. Although you were initially keen, you've now changed your mind. You are, however, extremely anxious to have your first cigarette of the day. Sit down Mr. Knight and do please smoke. I'd be delighted.

Henry Knight:
How on earth did you notice all that?

Dr. John Watson:
It's not important.

Sherlock Holmes:
Punched out holes where your ticket's been checked.

Dr. John Watson:
Not now, Sherlock.

Sherlock Holmes:
Oh, please, I've been cooped up in here for ages.

Dr. John Watson:
You're just showing off.

Sherlock Holmes:
Of course. I AM a show-off. That's what we do. Train napkin used to mop up the spilled coffee - strength of the stain shows that you didn't take milk - but traces of ketchup on it and around your lips and on your sleeve - cooked breakfast, or the nearest thing those trains can manage. Probably a sandwich.

Henry Knight:
[chuckles nervously] How did you know it was disappointing?

Sherlock Holmes:
Is there any other type of breakfast on a train? The girl - female handwriting's quite distinctive - wrote her phone number down on the napkin. I can tell from the angle she wrote at that she was sat across from you on the other side of the aisle. Later - after she got off, I imagine - you used the napkin to mop up your spilled coffee, accidentally smudging the numbers. You've been over the last four digits yourself in another pen - so you wanted to keep the number. Just now though, you used the napkin to blow your nose - maybe you're not that into her after all. Then there's the nicotine stains on your fingers, your shaking fingers. I know the signs. No chance to smoke one on the train nor time to roll one before you got a cab here. It's just after 9:15; you're desperate. The first train from Exeter to London leaves at 5:46 AM. You got the first one possible - so something important must have happened last night. Am I wrong?

Henry Knight:
No. You're right. You're completely, exactly right. Bloody hell, I heard you were quick.

Sherlock Holmes:
It's my job. Now shut up and smoke.

Dr. John Watson:
I couldn't help noticing on the map of the moor... the skull and crossbones?

Gary:
Oh, that. Right.

Dr. John Watson:
But... pirates?

Gary:
Eh, no, no. The Great Grimpen Minefield they call it.

Dr. John Watson:
Oh, right.

Gary:
It's not what you think. It's the Baskerville Testing site. It's been going for eighty-odd years; I'm not sure anyone knows really what's there anymore.

Dr. John Watson:
Mmm. Explosives?

Gary:
Oh, not just explosives. Hm. Break out of that place, and if you're lucky, you just get blowed up, so they say. In case you're planning a nice, wee stroll.

Dr. John Watson:
Ta. I'll remember.

Gary:
Aye. Now it buggers up tourism a bit; so, eh, thank God for the demon hound, heh-heh. Did you see that show, the documentary?

Dr. John Watson:
Uh, quite recently, yeah.

Gary:
God bless Henry Knight and his monster from Hell.

Dr. John Watson:
Ever seen it? The hound?

Gary:
Me? No, no. Uh, Fletcher has. He runs the walks, the monster walks, for the tourists, you know? He's seen it.

Dr. John Watson:
That's handy, for trade.

Gary:
I'm just saying we've been rushed off our feet, Billy.

Billy:
Yeah - lots of monster hunters. Don't take much these days. One mention on Twitter and WHOOMPH! We're out of WKD.

Gary:
All right.

Billy:
What with the monster and the ruddy prison, I... I don't know how we sleep nights. Do you, Gary?

Gary:
Like a baby.

Billy:
That's not true. He's a snorer.

Gary:
Hey! Hush't!

Billy:
Is yours a snorer?

Dr. John Watson:
Got any crisps?

Corporal Lyons:
It's just we don't get inspected here, you see, sir. It just doesn't happen.

Dr. John Watson:
Ever heard of a spot check? Captain John Watson, Fifth North Umberland Fusiliers.

Corporal Lyons:
Sir. Major Barrymore won't be pleased, sir. He'll want to see you both.

Dr. John Watson:
I'm afraid we won't have time for that. We'll need the full tour, right away. Carry on. That's an order, Corporal.

Corporal Lyons:
Yes, sir.

Sherlock Holmes:
I never did ask, Dr. Frankland, what exactly is it that you do here?

Dr. Frankland:
Ah, Mr. Holmes, I would LOVE to tell you, but then, of course, I'd have to kill you, ha-ha.

Sherlock Holmes:
That would be tremendously ambitious of you.

Sherlock Holmes:
What the hell are YOU doing here?

DI Lestrade:
Oh. Nice to see you, too. I'm on holiday, would you believe?

Sherlock Holmes:
No, I wouldn't.

DI Lestrade:
Hello, John.

Dr. John Watson:
Greg.

DI Lestrade:
I heard you were in the area. What are you up to? You after this Hound of Hell, like on the telly?

Sherlock Holmes:
I'm waiting for an explanation, Inspector. Why are you here?

DI Lestrade:
I've told you. I'm on holiday.

Sherlock Holmes:
You're brown as a nut! You're clearly just BACK from your holidays.

DI Lestrade:
Maybe I'd fancied another one.

Sherlock Holmes:
Oh, this is Mycroft, isn't it?

DI Lestrade:
Now, look...

Sherlock Holmes:
Of course it is. One mention of Baskerville and he sends down my "handler" to... to spy on me, incognito. Is that why you're calling yourself "Greg?"

Dr. John Watson:
That's his name!

Sherlock Holmes:
Is it?

DI Lestrade:
Yes... if you'd ever bother to find out. Look, I'm not your handler, and I don't just do what your brother tells me.

Major Barrymore:
I don't know what it is you expect to find here anyway.

Sherlock Holmes:
Perhaps the truth.

Major Barrymore:
About what? Oh, I see. The big coat should have told me. You're one of the conspiracy lot, aren't you? Well, then, go ahead, seek them out - the monsters, the death rays, the aliens...

Sherlock Holmes:
You got any of those? Oh, just wondering.

Major Barrymore:
A couple. Crash-landed here in the sixties. We call them Abbott and Costello.

Dr. Frankland:
This is about Henry Knight, isn't it? I thought so. Oh, I knew he wanted help, but I didn't realize he was going to contact Sherlock Holmes. Oh, don't worry, I know who you really are. I'm never off your website. I thought you'd be wearing the hat, though.

Sherlock Holmes:
That wasn't my hat.

Dr. Frankland:
[to John] I hardly recognized him without the hat.

Sherlock Holmes:
Wasn't my hat.

Dr. Frankland:
I love the blog, too, Dr. Watson.

Dr. John Watson:
Oh, cheers.

Henry Knight:
Why didn't you just kill me?

Sherlock Holmes:
Because dead men get listened to! He needed to do more than kill you! He had to discredit every word you ever said about your father, and he had the means right at his feet. A chemical minefield, pressure pads in the ground, dosing you up every time that you came back here. Murder weapon and scene of the crime, all at once. Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho, this case, Henry! Thank you! It's been BRILLIANT!

Dr. John Watson:
Sherlock.

Sherlock Holmes:
What?

Dr. John Watson:
Timing!

Sherlock Holmes:
No good?

Dr. John Watson:
Oh, please. C-can we not do this, this time?

Sherlock Holmes:
Do what?

Dr. John Watson:
You, being all, uh, mysterious with your... cheekbones, and turning your coat collar up so you look cool.

Sherlock Holmes:
I don't do that.

Dr. John Watson:
Yeah, you do.

Henry Knight:
Are you laughing at me, Mr. Holmes?

Sherlock Holmes:
Why? Are you joking?

Dr. John Watson:
Sherlock's got a plan?

Sherlock Holmes:
Yes.

Henry Knight:
Right.

Sherlock Holmes:
We take you back onto the moor...

Henry Knight:
Okay.

Sherlock Holmes:
...see if anything attacks you.

Dr. John Watson:
What?

Sherlock Holmes:
That should bring things to a head.

Sherlock Holmes:
Listen, if there is a monster out there, John, there's only one thing to do: find out where it lives.

Dr. John Watson:
You can't actually believe that you saw some kind of monster.

Sherlock Holmes:
No, I can't believe that, but I did see it, so the question is - how? How?

Major Barrymore:
On your head be it then, Doctor Frankland

Sherlock Holmes:
I use my senses, John, unlike some people, so you see, I am fine, in fact I've never been better, so just LEAVE. ME. ALONE!

Dr. John Watson:
[offended] Yeah, OK, OK. Don't listen to me. I am just your friend.

Sherlock Holmes:
I don't have FRIENDS!

Dr. John Watson:
No. I wonder why?

[flounces out]

Dr. John Watson:
Don't do that.

Sherlock Holmes:
Do what?

Dr. John Watson:
The look.

Sherlock Holmes:
Look?

Dr. John Watson:
You're doing the look again.

Sherlock Holmes:
Now, I can't see it, can I?

[John indicates the mirror, Sherlock looks]

Sherlock Holmes:
It's my face.

Dr. John Watson:
Yes, and it's doing a thing. You're doing a we-both-know-what's-really-going-on-here face.

Sherlock Holmes:
Well, we do.

Dr. John Watson:
No, I don't, which is why I find the face so annoying.

Jim Moriarty:
You think you can make me stop the order? You think you can make me do that?

Sherlock Holmes:
Yes. So do you.

Jim Moriarty:
Sherlock, your big brother and all the King's horses couldn't make me do a thing I didn't want to.

Sherlock Holmes:
Yes, but I'm not my brother, remember? I am you, prepared to do anything, prepared to burn, prepared to do what ordinary people won't do. You want me to shake hands with you in Hell? I shall not disappoint you.

Jim Moriarty:
Nah. You talk big. Nah. You're ordinary. You're ordinary. You're on the side of the angels.

Sherlock Holmes:
Oh, I may be on the side of the angels, but don't think for one second that I am one of them.

Sherlock Holmes:
[talking to John on the phone while on the roof of Barts] I'm a fake.

Dr. John Watson:
Sherlock...

Sherlock Holmes:
The newspapers were right all along. I want you to tell Lestrade, I want you to tell Mrs. Hudson and Molly, in fact tell anyone who will listen to you... that I created Moriarty for my own purposes.

Dr. John Watson:
Ok, shut up Sherlock. Shut up. The first time we met - the first time we met, you knew all about my sister, right?

Sherlock Holmes:
Nobody could be that clever.

Dr. John Watson:
You could.

Sherlock Holmes:
Linseed oil.

Anderson:
Not much use. Doesn't lead us to the kidnapper.

Sherlock Holmes:
Brilliant, Anderson.

Anderson:
Really?

Sherlock Holmes:
Yes. Brilliant impression of an idiot.

[last lines]

Dr. John Watson:
You... you told me once that you weren't a hero. Umm, there were times I didn't even think you were human, but let me tell you this: you were the best man, an' the most human... human being that I've ever known, and no-one will ever convince me that you told me a lie. That's so. There. I was so alone, and I owe you so much, but, please, there's just one more thing, one more thing, one more miracle, Sherlock, for me. Don't... be... dead. Would you, just for me, just stop it? Stop this.

Sherlock Holmes:
[handcuffed to John and running] Take my hand!

Dr. John Watson:
Now people will definitely talk.

Sherlock Holmes:
You're insane.

Jim Moriarty:
You're just getting that now?

Jim Moriarty:
I can open any door anywhere with a few tiny lines of computer code. No such thing as a private bank account now. They're all mine. No such thing as secrecy. I OWN secrecy. Nuclear codes? I could blow up NATO in alphabetical order. In a world of locked rooms, the man with the key is king. And, honey, you should see me in a crown.

Dr. John Watson:
[to Mycroft Holmes] So it's one big lie - Sherlock's a fraud - but people will swallow it because the rest of it's true. Moriarty wanted Sherlock destroyed - right? - and you have given him the perfect ammunition.

Jim Moriarty:
You know, when he was on his deathbed, Bach, he heard his son at the piano playing one of his... pieces. The boy stopped before he got to the end.

Sherlock Holmes:
And the dying man jumped out of bed, ran straight to the piano and finished it.

Jim Moriarty:
Couldn't cope with an unfinished melody.

Sherlock Holmes:
Neither can you, that's why you've come.

Jim Moriarty:
Every fairy tale needs a good old-fashioned villain. You need me or you're nothing. Because we're just alike, you and I, except you're boring. You're on the side of the angels.

Moriarty:
How hard do you find it, having to say "I don't know?"

Sherlock Holmes:
I don't know.

Sherlock Holmes:
This phone call, it's, um... it's my note. S'what people do, don't they? Leave a note.

Dr. John Watson:
Leave a note when?

Sherlock Holmes:
Good-bye, John.

Sherlock Holmes:
[In their apartment, reading the latest tabloids] "Boffin"! "Boffin Sherlock Holmes"!

Dr. John Watson:
Everybody gets one.

Sherlock Holmes:
One what?

Dr. John Watson:
Tabloid nickname. "Subo." "Nasty Nick." Shouldn't worry. I'll probably get one soon.

Sherlock Holmes:
Page five, column six, first sentence. Why is it always the *hat* photograph?

Dr. John Watson:
"*Bachelor* John Watson"?

Sherlock Holmes:
What kind of hat is it anyway?

Dr. John Watson:
"Bachelor"? What the hell are they implying?

Sherlock Holmes:
Is it a cap? Why has it got two fronts?

Dr. John Watson:
It's a deerstalker. "Frequently seen in the company of *bachelor* John Watson."

Sherlock Holmes:
How do you stalk a deer with a hat? What are you going to do, throw it?

Dr. John Watson:
"*Confirmed* bachelor, John Watson."

Sherlock Holmes:
Some sort of death frisbee?

Dr. John Watson:
Okay, this is too much. We need got to be more careful.

Sherlock Holmes:
It's got flaps. *Ear* flaps! It's an *ear* hat, John!

[Throws the hat to John]

Sherlock Holmes:
What do you mean, "more careful"?

Dr. John Watson:
I mean, this isn't a deerstalker now, it's a Sherlock Holmes hat. I mean, that you're not exactly a *private* detective any more! You're this far from famous!

Sherlock Holmes:
Oh, it'll pass.

[as Sherlock and John are handcuffed together]

Sherlock Holmes:
Hmm. Bit awkward, this.

Dr. John Watson:
There's no one to bail us.

Sherlock Holmes:
I was thinking more about our imminent and daring escape.

Police Dispatcher:
All units to 2-7.

Dr. John Watson:
[to Sherlock] What?

[Sherlock triggers a police radio, causing feedback in all the uniformed officers' microphones. As the nearest one yanks his earpiece out, Sherlock grabs his gun and backs away from everyone]

Sherlock Holmes:
Ladies and gentlemen, will you all please get onto your knees?

[No one moves; he fires twice into the air]

Sherlock Holmes:
*Now* would be good!

DI Lestrade:
Do as he says!

Dr. John Watson:
This's just so you're aware, the gun is his idea. I-I'm just, uh, you know...

Sherlock Holmes:
[pointing the gun at John] My hostage!

Dr. John Watson:
"Hostage," yes, that works. That works. So what now?

Sherlock Holmes:
Doing what Moriarty wants; becoming a fugitive. Run.

Sherlock Holmes:
[waiting for Molly in the darkened lab, she enters and is startled when he begins to speak] You were wrong, you know. You do count. You've always counted, and I've always trusted you, but you were right. I'm not okay.

Molly Hooper:
Tell me what's wrong.

Sherlock Holmes:
Molly... I think I'm going to die.

Molly Hooper:
What do you need?

Sherlock Holmes:
If I wasn't everything that you think I am - everything that *I* think I am - would you still want to help me?

Molly Hooper:
What do you need?

Sherlock Holmes:
You.

Sherlock Holmes:
[muttering into microscope] I.O.U. Glycerol molecule. What are you?

Molly Hooper:
What did you mean, 'I owe you'? You said 'I owe you'? You were muttering it while you were working.

Sherlock Holmes:
Nothing. Mental note.

Molly Hooper:
You look a bit like my dad. He's dead. Oh, sorry...

Sherlock Holmes:
Molly, please don't feel the need to make conversation. It's really not your area.

Molly Hooper:
When he was dying, he was always cheerful. He was lovely. Except when he thought no one could see. I saw him once. He looked sad.

Sherlock Holmes:
Molly...

Molly Hooper:
You look sad... when you think he can't see you.

[pan to Watson working nearby]

Molly Hooper:
Are you okay? Don't just say you are, because I know what that means, looking sad when you think no one can see you.

Sherlock Holmes:
YOU can see me.

Molly Hooper:
I don't count. What I'm trying to say is that, if there's anything I can do, anything you need, anything at all, you can have me.

[Flustered]

Molly Hooper:
No, I just mean... I mean... if there's anything you need - it's fine.

Sherlock Holmes:
B-but what could I need from you?

Molly Hooper:
Nothing. I don't know. But you could probably say 'Thank you'... actually.

Sherlock Holmes:
[experimentally] Thank you.

Molly Hooper:
I'm just gonna go and get some crisps. Do you want anything? It's okay - I know you don't.

Sherlock Holmes:
Well, actually, maybe I'll...

Molly Hooper:
I know you don't.

Prosecuting Barrister:
"A consulting criminal."

Sherlock Holmes:
Yes.

Prosecuting Barrister:
Your words. Can you expand on that answer?

Sherlock Holmes:
James Moriarty is for hire.

Prosecuting Barrister:
A tradesman?

Sherlock Holmes:
Yes.

Prosecuting Barrister:
But not the sort who'd fix your heating?

Sherlock Holmes:
No, the sort who'd plant a bomb or stage an assassination, but I'm sure he'd make a pretty decent job of your boiler.

Prosecuting Barrister:
Would you describe him as...

Sherlock Holmes:
Leading.

Prosecuting Barrister:
What?

Sherlock Holmes:
Can't do that. You're leading the witness. He'll object and the judge will uphold.

Judge:
Mr Holmes!

Sherlock Holmes:
Ask me how. How would I describe him? What opinion have I formed of him? Do they not teach you this?

Sherlock Holmes:
How long have I known him? Not really your best line of enquiry. We met twice, five minutes in total. I pulled a gun, he tried to blow me up. I felt we had a special something.

Judge:
Miss Sorrel, are you seriously claiming this man is an expert? After knowing the accused for just five minutes?

Sherlock Holmes:
Two minutes would have made me an expert, but five was ample.

Judge:
Mr Holmes, that's a matter for the jury.

Sherlock Holmes:
Oh, really?

[Holmes studies the jury members]

Sherlock Holmes:
One librarian, two teachers, two high-pressure jobs, probably the City. Foreman's a medical secretary, trained abroad, judging by her shorthand.

Judge:
Mr Holmes...

Sherlock Holmes:
Seven are married and two are having an affair, with each other, it would seem. Oh, and they've just had tea and biscuits. Would you like to know who ate the wafer?

Judge:
Mr Holmes! You've been called here to answer Miss Sorrel's questions, not to give us a display of your intellectual prowess. Keep your answers brief and to the point. Anything else will be treated as contempt. Do you think you could survive for just a few minutes without SHOWING OFF?

[Holmes opens his mouth to say something; cut to a bailiff leading him to a jail cell]

[after Sherlock is arrested]

Chief Superintendant:
That's our man?

Sgt Sally Donovan:
Uh... yes, sir.

Chief Superintendant:
Looked a bit of a weirdo, if you ask me. Often are, these vigilante types.

[notices John staring at him]

Chief Superintendant:
What you lookin' at?

[Cut to later; the Chief Superintendent walks out onto Baker Street with a handkerchief to his bloody nose]

Cop:
You all right, sir?

[John is slammed against a police car next to Sherlock and handcuffed to him]

Sherlock Holmes:
Joining me?

Dr. John Watson:
Yeah. Apparently it's against the law to chin the Chief Superintendent.

[Sherlock has been called in as an expert witness at Moriarty's trial]

Dr. John Watson:
Remember...

Sherlock Holmes:
Yes.

Dr. John Watson:
Remember...

Sherlock Holmes:
Yes.

Dr. John Watson:
Remember what they told you. Don't try to be clever.

Sherlock Holmes:
No.

Dr. John Watson:
And please, just keep it simple and brief.

Sherlock Holmes:
[sarcastic] God forbid the star witness at the trial should come across as intelligent.

Dr. John Watson:
Intelligent, fine. Let's give smart-arse a wide berth.

Sherlock Holmes:
[pause] I'll just be myself.

Dr. John Watson:
Are you LISTENING to me?

Sherlock Holmes:
This is my cab. You get the next one.

Dr. John Watson:
Why?

Sherlock Holmes:
You might talk.

Kitty Reilly:
I'm a big fan.

Sherlock Holmes:
Evidently.

Kitty Reilly:
I read your cases, follow them all. Sign my shirt, would you?

[unzips her jacket to reveal her cleavage]

Sherlock Holmes:
There are two types of fans.

Kitty Reilly:
Oh?

Sherlock Holmes:
Catch me before I kill again. Type A.

Kitty Reilly:
Uh-huh. What's type B?

Sherlock Holmes:
Your bedroom's just a taxi ride away.

Kitty Reilly:
Hmm. Guess which one I am?

Sherlock Holmes:
[looks her up and down] Neither.

Kitty Reilly:
Really?

Sherlock Holmes:
No, you're not a fan at all. Those marks on your forearm - edge of a desk. You've been typing in a hurry, probably - pressure on, facing a deadline.

Kitty Reilly:
That all?

Sherlock Holmes:
And there's a smudge of ink on your wrist, and a bulge in your left jacket pocket.

Kitty Reilly:
Bit of a giveaway?

Sherlock Holmes:
The smudge is deliberate. It's to see if I'm as good as they say I am.

[Smells her arm]

Sherlock Holmes:
Hmm. Oil-based, used in newspaper print, but drawn on with an index finger. Your finger.

Kitty Reilly:
Hmm.

Sherlock Holmes:
Journalist. Unlikely you get your hands dirty at the press. You put that there to test me.

Kitty Reilly:
Wow! I'm liking you.

Sherlock Holmes:
You mean I'd make a great feature - "Sherlock Holmes, the man beneath the hat".

Kitty Reilly:
[takes off her Deerstalker hat] Kitty. Riley. Pleased to meet you.

Sherlock Holmes:
No. I'm just saving you the trouble of asking: No, I wont give you and interview; no, I don't want the money.

[tries to leave]

Kitty Reilly:
You and John Watson, just platonic? Can we put down for a "no" there as well?

[stands in his way]

Kitty Reilly:
There's all sorts of gossip in the press about you. Sooner or later, you're gonna need someone on your side, someone to set the record straight.

Sherlock Holmes:
You think you're the girl for that job, do you?

Kitty Reilly:
I'm smart, and you can trust me... totally.

Sherlock Holmes:
Smart? Okay, investigative journalist. Good. Well, look at me and tell me what you see. If you're that skillful, you don't need an interview, you can just read what you need. No? Okay, my turn. I look at you and I see someone who's waiting for their first big scoop so that their editor will notice them. You're wearing an expensive skirt that has been rehemmed twice - only posh skirt you've got. And your nails - you can't afford to do them that often. I see someone who's hungry. I don't see smart, and I definitely don't see trustworthy, but I'll give you a quote, if you like - three little words...

[brings her dictaphone to his mouth]

Sherlock Holmes:
"You. Repel. Me".

Sherlock Holmes:
James Moriarty isn't a man at all. He's a spider, a spider at the center of a web, criminal web with a thousand threads and he knows precisely how each and every single one of them dances.

Jim Moriarty:
As long as I'm alive you can protect them. Good luck with that.

Sherlock Holmes:
Most people knock, but then you're not most people, I suppose.

[an eye-witness screams at the sight of Sherlock Holmes]

DI Lestrade:
Well, don't let her get to you. I always feel like screaming when you walk into a room. Actually, do most people.

Jim Moriarty:
Sir Boast-a-Lot was the bravest and cleverest knight at the round table, but soon the other knights began to grow tired of his stories about how brave he was and how many dragons he'd slain, and so they began to wonder "Are Sir Boast-a-Lot's stories even true?"

Sherlock Holmes:
What WAS that?

Jim Moriarty:
No charge.

Dr. John Watson:
No, I know you're for real.

Sherlock Holmes:
100%?

Dr. John Watson:
Nobody can fake being such an annoying dick all the time.

Jim Moriarty:
There is no key, DOOFUS!

Jim Moriarty:
Falling's just like flying, only there's a more permanent destination.

Sherlock Holmes:
Imagine someone's going to get murdered at a wedding. Who exactly would you pick?

Mrs. Hudson:
I think you're a popular choice at the moment, dear.

Sherlock Holmes:
[to Molly] I want you to calculate John's ideal intake, and mine, to remain in the sweet spot the whole evening.

David:
They're right about you. You're a bloody psychopath.

Sherlock Holmes:
High-functioning sociopath... with your number.

Bainbridge:
[a letter addressed to Sherlock is read aloud] Dear Mr Holmes, my name is Bainbridge. I'm a Private in Her Majesty's Household Guard. I'm writing to you about a personal matter, one I don't care to bring before my superiors, it would sound so trivial, but I think someone's stalking me. I'm used to tourists, it's part of the job, but this is different. Someone's watching me. He's taking pictures of me every day. I don't want to mention it to the Major, but it's really preying on my mind.

Sherlock Holmes:
[Sherlock and John are sitting on a bench opposite Royal Guards on duty] You think they give 'em classes?

Dr. John Watson:
Classes?

Sherlock Holmes:
How to resist the temptation to scratch their behinds.

Dr. John Watson:
Afferent neurons in the peripheral nervous system. Bum-itch.

Sherlock Holmes:
Oh.

Mycroft Holmes:
Oh, Sherlock, what do we say about coincidence?

Sherlock Holmes:
Universe is rarely so lazy.

Janine:
Do you always carry handcuffs?

Sherlock Holmes:
Down, girl.

Mrs. Hudson:
Your mother has a lot to answer for.

Sherlock Holmes:
Mm. I know. I have a list. Mycroft has a file.

Mrs. Hudson:
It changes people, marriage.

Sherlock Holmes:
Mmmm, no, it doesn't.

Mrs. Hudson:
Well, you wouldn't understand 'cause you always live alone.

Sherlock Holmes:
Your husband was executed for double murder. You're hardly an advert for companionship.

Mrs. Hudson:
Marriage changes you as a person in ways that you can't imagine.

Sherlock Holmes:
As does lethal injection.

[Sherlock commences the Best Man's speech at John's wedding]

Sherlock Holmes:
Ladies and gentlemen, family and friends, and... um... others. [He stammers uncertainly]... Also...

Dr. John Watson:
Telegrams...

Sherlock Holmes:
Right. Um... First things first: Telegrams. Although they're not actually telegrams, we just call them telegrams, I don't know why. Wedding tradition... Because we don't have enough of that already, apparently... [reading] "To Mr. and Mrs. Watson: So sorry I'm unable to be with you on your special day. Good luck and best wishes. Mike Stamford."

Dr. John Watson:
Ah, Mike...

Sherlock Holmes:
"To John and Mary: All good wishes for your special day with love and many big..." [chokes the cloying words out] "... big squishy cuddles. From Stella and Ted." [next telegram] "Mary: Lots of love..."

Dr. John Watson:
Yeah?

Sherlock Holmes:
[with precise diction] "... poppet." [John and Mary giggle] "Oodles of love and heaps of good wishes, from Cam. Wish your family could have seen this."

[Mary's expression darkens momentarily]

Sherlock Holmes:
[shuffling rapidly through remaining telegrams] Um, "Special day," "Very special day," "Love," "Love," "Love," "Love," "Love," bit of a theme, you get the general gist. People basically fond.

Sherlock Holmes:
Basically, it's a cute smile to the bride's side, a cute smile to the groom's side, and then the rings.

Pageboy:
No.

Sherlock Holmes:
And you have to wear the outfit.

Pageboy:
No.

Sherlock Holmes:
You really do have to wear the outfit.

Pageboy:
What for?

Sherlock Holmes:
Grownups like that sort of thing.

Pageboy:
Why?

Sherlock Holmes:
I don't know. I'll ask one.

Pageboy:
You're a detective.

Sherlock Holmes:
Yep.

Pageboy:
Have you solved any murders?

Sherlock Holmes:
Sure. Loads.

Pageboy:
Can I see?

Sherlock Holmes:
Yeah, all right.

Pageboy:
What's all that stuff in his eye?

Sherlock Holmes:
Maggots.

Pageboy:
Cool.

Dr. John Watson:
Sherlock, any chance of a... an end date for this speech? Gotta cut the cake.

Sherlock Holmes:
Oh, ladies and gentlemen, can't stand it when I finally get the chance to speak for once, VATICAN CAMEOS.

Mary Morstan:
What did he say? What's that mean?

Dr. John Watson:
Battle stations. Someone's gonna die.

James Sholto:
Mr. Holmes, you and I are similar, I think.

Sherlock Holmes:
Yes, I think we are.

James Sholto:
There's a proper time to die, isn't there?

Sherlock Holmes:
Of course there is.

James Sholto:
And one should embrace it when it comes... like a soldier.

Sherlock Holmes:
Of course one should - but not at John's wedding! We wouldn't do that, would we, you and me? We would NEVER do that to John Watson.

Mary Morstan:
Solve it and he'll open the door, like he said.

Sherlock Holmes:
I couldn't solve it before. How can I solve it now?

Mary Morstan:
Because it matters now!

Sherlock Holmes:
What are you talking about? What's she talking about? Get control of your wife.

Dr. John Watson:
She's right.

Sherlock Holmes:
Oh, YOU'VE changed.

Dr. John Watson:
No, she is. Shut up. You are not a puzzle-solver, you never have been. You're a drama queen. Now, there is a man in there about to die, "the game is on," SOLVE IT!

Sherlock Holmes:
Mary, when I say you deserve this man, it is the highest compliment of which I am capable.

Sherlock Holmes:
So on to some funny stories about John. If you could all just cheer up a bit, that would... be better.

Major Reed:
Zhat what this is all about, distracting me so that this man could get in here and kill Bainbridge?

Sherlock Holmes:
And then kill him with what? Where's the weapon?

Major Reed:
What?

Sherlock Holmes:
Go on, search me - no weapon.

Dr. John Watson:
Bainbridge was on parade. He came off duty five minutes ago. When's this supposed to have happened?

Major Reed:
You obviously stabbed him before he got into the shower.

Sherlock Holmes:
No.

Major Reed:
No?

Sherlock Holmes:
He's soaking wet and there's shampoo in his hair. He got into the shower and THEN someone stabbed him.

Sherlock Holmes:
But the cubicle was locked from the inside, sir. I had to break it open.

Major Reed:
Must have climbed over the top.

Sherlock Holmes:
Well, then I'd be soaking wet, too, wouldn't I?

Sherlock Holmes:
There was one feature and only one feature of interest in the whole of this baffling case - and, quite frankly, it was the usual: John Watson, who, while I was trying to solve the murder, instead saved a life.

Sherlock Holmes:
I have an international reputation. Do you have an international reputation?

Dr. John Watson:
No, I don't have an international reputation.

Sherlock Holmes:
No. And I can't even remember what for. It's... crime. Something like that.

Dr. John Watson:
Am I a woman?

[Sherlock laughs]

Dr. John Watson:
What?

Sherlock Holmes:
Yes.

Dr. John Watson:
Am I... pretty? This.

Sherlock Holmes:
Uh, beauty is a construct based entirely on childhood impressions, influences and role models.

Dr. John Watson:
Yeah, but am I a pretty lady?

Sherlock Holmes:
I don't know who you are. I don't know who you're supposed to be.

Dr. John Watson:
You picked the name!

Sherlock Holmes:
I... I picked it at random from the papers.

Dr. John Watson:
You're not really getting the hang of this game, are you, Sherlock?

Dr. John Watson:
[Sherlock and Watson are sitting side by side on a park bench, staring straight ahead] The thing about Mary is she has completely turned my life around. Changed everything. But, for the record, over the last few years there are two people who have done that, and the other one is... [turns to Sherlock who is no longer there]... a complete dick-head.

Dr. John Watson:
Well, glad to see you've pulled, Sherlock, what with murderers running riot at my wedding.

Sherlock Holmes:
[Sherlock and John are both severely drunk] Don't compromise the integrity of the...

[Sherlock vomits on the carpet]

Dr. John Watson:
...crime scene.

[John puts his hand up for a high five]

Sherlock Holmes:
[Sherlock lifts his head up and sways a bit] Yup, that.

[Sherlock wipes some vomit from around his mouth]

Dr. John Watson:
[painfully hungover] Can you whisper?

DI Lestrade:
[amused, shouting right into Watson's face] NOT REALLY!

Sherlock Holmes:
[continuing with his best man's speech] If I burden myself with a little helpmate during my adventures, this is not out of sentiment or caprice. It is that he has many fine qualities of his own he has overlooked in his obsession with me. Indeed, any reputation I have for mental acuity and sharpness comes, in truth, from the extraordinary contrast John so selflessly provides. It is a fact, I believe, that brides tend to favor exceptionally plain bridesmaids for their big day...

[Janine and the other bridesmaids look offended]

Sherlock Holmes:
there is a certain analogy there, I feel - and contrast is, after all, God's own plan to enhance the beauty of his creation. Or it would be if God were not a ludicrous fantasy, designed to provide a career opportunity for the family idiot.

[the minister looks offended. A mutter runs through the room]

Sherlock Holmes:
Point I'm trying to make is that I am the most unpleasant, rude, ignorant, and all-round obnoxious arsehole that anyone could possibly have the misfortune to meet. I am dismissive of the virtuous,

[Looks at the Minister]

Sherlock Holmes:
unaware of the beautiful,

[Looks at Janine]

Sherlock Holmes:
and uncomprehending in the face of the happy,

[Looks towards John and Mary]

Sherlock Holmes:
so if I didn't understand I was being asked to be best man, it is because I never expected to be anybody's best friend, and certainly not the best friend of the bravest and kindest and wisest human being I have ever had the good fortune of knowing.

Sherlock Holmes:
Why, WHY would he date all of those women and not return their calls.

Dr. John Watson:
You're missing the obvious, mate.

Sherlock Holmes:
Am I?

Dr. John Watson:
He's a man.

Dr. John Watson:
Telegrams...

Sherlock Holmes:
Right. Um... Mm, first things first: Telegrams. Although they're not actually telegrams, we just call them telegrams, I don't know why. Wedding tradition... Because we don't have enough of that already, apparently.

[reading]

Sherlock Holmes:
"To Mr. and Mrs. Watson: So sorry I'm unable to be with you on your special day. Good luck and best wishes. Mike Stamford."