New Tricks

Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
She's not my girlfriend, she's my shrink!

Gerry Standing:
A shrink!

Brian Lane:
Why does she need to see a shrink?

Jack Halford:
You're the expert, you tell us!

Gerry Standing:
Will you stop creeping up on me!

Brian Lane:
I don't creep, I glide.

[after discovering a map with an X on it]

Brian Lane:
If you find a map with an X on it, you are intrinsically bound to follow it, go there, and start diggin'.

Gerry Standing:
[pointing at Jack Halford] Is he crazy?

Brian Lane:
No, but I am.

[Brian is talking about hypnotic regression]

Brian Lane:
There's a middle-aged bloke in Taunton who was regressed back to his childhood. Years later, he can't step outside his own front door without adult supervision. He still acts and thinks like he's eight years old.

Det Supt Sandra Pullman:
[mutters] Him and half the male population.

Gerry Standing:
It's er innit woof woof bang bang.

[the UCOS team is watching a video of unrests at Greenham Common when Gerry, who was at the scene at the time, spots something and has the recording stopped and stepped back to a picture of a young, female demonstrator]

Gerry Standing:
[proudly] I had her!

Jack Halford:
Tell her about Hoult.

Brian Lane:
Rude. Very.

Sandra Pullman:
Not a criminal offence.

Brian Lane:
Hnh. Should be. Rudeness and contempt, three to five minimum.

[last lines]

Gerry Standing:
Is that 'im? Squirrel Nutkin? It's a dangerous game, sleeping with the enemy.

Sandra Pullman:
You stink!

Brian Lane:
You do, actually.

[first lines]

Jack Halford:
Kempton.

Gerry Standing:
2:30,Fat Chance, five pound to win.

Jack Halford:
Three to one.

Gerry Standing:
3:30, ten pound, Happy Clappy to win.

Jack Halford:
Five to one!

Brian Lane:
Morning.

Gerry Standing:
Weatherby, three o'clock, Mission Accomplished, twenty quid on the nose.

Jack Halford:
It was sixteen to one!

Supt. Sandra Pullman:
What are you doing?

Gerry Standing:
Gerry's bets! Last week his winnings amounted to...

Brian Lane:
One thousand eight hundred and seventy-three pounds.

Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Well. Hope you're pleased with yourself.

Gerry Standing:
Yes! You see, because of *you* I didn't put any money on 'em. These are the bets I would have made if I was still gambling, but... now I'm reformed, now it plays no part in my life, I can't stop bloody winning. [Jack and Brian start to laugh]

Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Don't read the papers, then.

Gerry Standing:
I'm a man; we all read the papers. Backwards, starting with the sporting pages.

[last lines]

Gerry Standing:
Mr. Strickland. Um... I seem to remember a little wager we had. Twenty pounds, I think.

D.A.C. Strickland:
Yeah, yeah, you'll get it. [Strickland leaves]

Gerry Standing:
Thank you.

Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Was that some kind of a *bet*?

Gerry Standing:
No! Well, yes, but it was... Look, it didn't have anything to do with...

Jack Halford:
Horses.

Gerry Standing:
No.

Brian Lane:
Or dogs.

Gerry Standing:
No.

Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Tossers!

[Sandra's team have been ordered by to drop all their active cases and devote their full attention to the case of a woman who was murdered 160 years ago. Stephen Fisher, from the Security Services, refuses to explain why]

Jack Halford:
Maybe it's an academic exercise - you know, some kind of test.

Brian Lane:
Test in what?

Jack Halford:
I dunno. Our ability to take sh*t from our superiors?

Brian Lane:
[laconically] When was *that* ever in doubt?

[Strickland and Sandra are annoyed to be kept in the dark and ordered around by Stephen Fisher. Sandra goes into her office, which Fisher has commandeered, and starts to put on her coat]

D.A.C. Robert Strickland:
Where are you going?

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Crime scene.

Stephen Fisher:
No.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
How did I know you were going to say that?

Stephen Fisher:
Everything you need is in the documents I provided.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
If you're such an expert in criminal investigation, why are you wasting our time?

Stephen Fisher:
[ominously] No-one leaves this building.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
We think that one of Renfield's witnesses was lying.

Stephen Fisher:
How do you know?

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Apart from being good at our jobs, you mean? We don't think he physically could have seen what he claimed to have seen.

D.A.C. Robert Strickland:
And you want to check that on the real location?

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Yeah.

Stephen Fisher:
It will have changed too much.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
That is how we work. Now you either let us do our jobs or there's the door.

Stephen Fisher:
Miss Pullman...

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Detective Superintendent Pullman. Back in a hour.

[Sandra leaves the room]

Stephen Fisher:
This is how you let them speak to you?

D.A.C. Robert Strickland:
[grinning] No, Stephen, it's how I let them speak to *you*.

[spoiler]

Stephen Fisher:
I need Renfield's original report, all the documents you've used, every note you've made, the physical samples of Gleick's handwriting...

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
We have evidence here...

Stephen Fisher:
Of a crime that was committed a century and a half ago, and as you've all taken great pains to point out, that's hardly relevant today.

Brian Lane:
Yes it *is* relevant. That information could stop this Ellis-Finch deal with the Chinese.

D.A.C. Robert Strickland:
He doesn't want it stopped. He wants to make sure it *can't* be stopped.

Brian Lane:
And like Jack said, this is a pension fund they're interfering with. It's people's lives.

Jack Halford:
He doesn't care about that, Brian.

Stephen Fisher:
I serve the national interest.

D.A.C. Robert Strickland:
I think it's time you left, Stephen. [hsnds him his coat]

Stephen Fisher:
By all means.

D.A.C. Robert Strickland:
Empty-handed, I'm afraid.

Stephen Fisher:
Ah.

D.A.C. Robert Strickland:
It's one thing to come in here and requisition this team for your own private investigation. It's quite another to make us all complicit in the destruction of evidence in a murder investigation. Especially one which may have implications in the present day on the international stage.

Stephen Fisher:
You've been rehearsing that speech.

D.A.C. Robert Strickland:
The evidence will stay here, pending a conversation I'm going to have with the Commissioner.

Stephen Fisher:
How do you envisage that conversation playing out?

D.A.C. Robert Strickland:
Well, we'll have to see, won't we?

Stephen Fisher:
I can tell you, if you're interested. The conversation ends with you handing over to me everything I've asked for, just prior to writing your letter of resignation.

D.A.C. Robert Strickland:
I won't be threatened by you, Stephen. I know you'd like us all to think that your power extends that far.

Stephen Fisher:
[angrily] Not *my* power, Robert. The power of the British Government, brandishing the Official Secrets Act - to which you are all subject. and the contravention of which brings with it consequences far graver than you seem to be considering. Those of you who still *have* careers, consider what you will do without them. Those of you who don't, consider how your loved ones will cope while you live out the twilight of your lives at Her Majesty's pleasure. Now, I suggest you put the documents in the bag, and put today's events very firmly out of your minds.

[spoiler:
after bullying Sandra and her team into handing over the information, Stephen Fisher makes a phone call to his superiors]

Stephen Fisher:
It's me. Yes, it's done. The information will be in the papers in the next day or so. No, I've no idea which one of them leaked it. I think our Mr Ellis will have plenty to worry about without stringing up some retired policeman. Exactly. [chuckles] I suggest it gets put down to yet another careless civil servant leaving his homework on the train. Mission accomplished. We should let sleeping plods lie, I think, don't you?

[first lines]

Coachman John Harper:
[his horses rear, startled by a running lady] Whoa! Whoa!

Stephen Fisher:
This is a burn bag. At the conclusion of your investigation, everything you've discovered - any notes you've made, documents you've sourced - together with the original copy of Renfield's report, and the various other items in the case file will be placed in here to be incinerated by me.

Jack Halford:
Shove it. We don't take orders from you.

D.A.C. Robert Strickland:
Jack.

Jack Halford:
And we don't take orders from you, either; Sandra does. We're all retired. So you can shove it.

D.A.C. Robert Strickland:
Jack, if I decide this is a UCOS case...

D.A.C. Robert Strickland:
No, no, Robert. Mr Halford makes a perfectly fair point. Mr Halford, Mr Standing, Mr Lane, you are excused.

Gerry Standing:
Fine by me.

Stephen Fisher:
If you could just leave behind a cheque for seventeen thousand four hundred and thirty-three pounds, Mr Standing, I'll see it gets to the Inland Revenue.

Gerry Standing:
You'll what?

Stephen Fisher:
The tax due on your undeclared earnings over the past thirty years.

Gerry Standing:
Are you threatening me!

Stephen Fisher:
Actually, perhaps it would be best if you all stay after all. We wouldn't want any of our guilty little secrets coming to light, would we? Mr Lane? Mr Halford?

Jack Halford:
Bollocks!

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Nothing we've discovered so far would explain your interest in this case.

Stephen Fisher:
Ah.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
So?

Stephen Fisher:
Abigail Padua was my mother's great grandmother.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Abigail Padua didn't have any children.

Stephen Fisher:
Well, it can't be that then.

Stephen Fisher:
If you understand what makes someone tick, they become predictable.

D.A.C. Robert Strickland:
I wouldn't call anyone out there predictable.

Stephen Fisher:
Oh, but they are, Robert. You wait and see.

[last lines]

Jack Halford:
Will you do something for me, Brian?

Brian Lane:
Yeah, of course I well. Anything.

Jack Halford:
Don't tell anyone. Not until after. And I don't want anyone to try and stop me, or anyone coming after me, or anyone trying to get in touch with me. It's just me and Mary. Understand?

Brian Lane:
[nods] Yeah.

Jack Halford:
Now, get into that pub, and put on a brave face.

Brian Lane:
I'm so sorry, Jack. [slowly heads toward the pub]

Jack Halford:
Brave face, Brian. Mine's a large scotch.

[last lines]

Gerry Standing:
And you! You should have realized that Pendle was a lesbian straight off.

Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Why?

Gerry Standing:
She had a cat!

Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Oh right! All lesbians have cats. I'll write that down.

Jack Halford:
File it under Standing: Intuition.

Brian Lane:
Is he paid extra for that?

Jack Halford:
No. Only me.

Gerry Standing:
Hold on. Hold on!

Brian Lane:
Does he get more than us?

Supt. Sandra Pullman:
No. Only God knows why not.

Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Hang on. Are you saying you knew Pendle wasn't involved not because of any lack of evidence but because of some kind of gut feeling?

Ronnie Ross:
Based upon my experience.

Supt. Sandra Pullman:
You're not serious. [Ross just looks at her] Oh, fine; so we just bow to your superior guesswork.

Ronnie Ross:
Intuition, not guesswork.

Supt. Sandra Pullman:
What's the difference?

Ronnie Ross:
Intuition is when you get it right; guesswork is when you get it wrong.

[first lines]

Jack Halford:
[on answering machine] Please leave a message after the tone.

Brian Lane:
Jack, it's Brian. Just haven't heard from you for a while. Well, since... Look, give me a call when you get a chance.

Det Supt Sandra Pullman:
Hi, Jack, it's Sandra. Call me.

Gerry Standing:
You all right, mate? It's Jerry. Look, I wondered if you fancied a pint some time this week. Uh, well, give us a shout if you do, eh.

Det Supt Sandra Pullman:
OK, Jack, I know you're upset; I get that. But would it kill you to let us know you're all right? Jack, where are you?

[last lines]

Brian Lane:
Oh, Mary, where is he? [almost drinks, but doesn't] No, no, I'm not having this.

Voice of Johnny Deacon:
OK, first on the line is Helen. There goes the fire alarm, sorry about that. It does indeed, I think we've... are we... no there's... the studio is on fire, but I'm not sure... wow, it is on fire! Graham, mate, what's going on? Graham? Sh*t! Graham, I can't get out. Graham! Anyone! For God's sake help me!

Jeremy Kirk:
And that's where the emergency broadcasting system cuts in, plays random music if ever there's a sudden break in transmission. Unfortunately, the record queued up that evening was "Smoke gets in your eyes", by the Platters.

D.A.C. Strickland:
I'm interested in anything you have to say about procedure considering how it's been ignored around here.

Det Supt Sandra Pullman:
I'm not sure I understand, sir.

D.A.C. Strickland:
An illegal mobile phone trace. An even more illegal credit card search. Neither of them fruitful, which suggests to me that Jack Halford doesn't want to be found, which is his prerogative considering he's no longer an employee of the Metropolitan Police.

Brian Lane:
Since when?

D.A.C. Strickland:
Since he walked out of here without a backward glance. Oh, this is ridiculous; I will not have this department held to ransom. It's time to move on.

Gerry Standing:
Quite right, sir. You'll get my resignation in the morning.

Brian Lane:
What!

D.A.C. Strickland:
Fine. We'll interview for yours and Jack's replacements. Oh, I'm sorry, was this supposed to show me the error of my ways? Prove to me how indispensable Jack really is? Well, let me tell you this: no-one in this department is indispensable. Do I make myself clear?

Det Supt Sandra Pullman:
Crystal, sir. So, would you prefer my application for a transfer in writing, or will an email do?

D.A.C. Strickland:
Don't be a bloody fool, Sandra. [Sandra just looks at him] Well, don't expect a reference. [Strickland leaves]

Det Supt Sandra Pullman:
That could have gone better.

Gerry Standing:
Well, it was pretty impressive from where I stood. Should buy Jack a bit more time shouldn't it?

Det Supt Sandra Pullman:
Hope so.

Pete MacKintyre:
Not so fast, Gerry, I've... me bunions.

Gerry Standing:
Bunions! Hnh.

Pete MacKintyre:
Here, you've put on a bit of suet, ain't you, Gerry? Your barnet's a bit thinner, mate.

Gerry Standing:
Those bunions give you jip, do they?

Pete MacKintyre:
Bloody agony.

Gerry Standing:
Yeah. [drops the bag he is carrying onto MacKintyre's foot] Welcome home!

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Am I a cynic? I mean, I know it goes with the job and everything...

Jack Halford:
Do you drink too much?

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
No.

Jack Halford:
Do you take backhanders?

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
No!

Jack Halford:
Do you beat your wife?

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Unlikely scenario, but no.

Jack Halford:
Then you've nothing to worry about. You're just doing your job.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
[sighs] I sometimes wonder what the job is doing to me.

[first lines]

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
[practising a speech] Ladies and gentlemen, today we need heroes more than ever before. The men and women you will meet tonight are bright stars that light our way in the darkness of an increasingly confused buh-dee buh-dee buh, yada yada yada. And the last one to the bar's a *prat*.

Brian Lane:
I've converted me entire collection of long-playing band marching records to mp3 format. Got the whole bloody lot on me hard drive. Look, it's incredible. Each individual sound wave is transmogrified...

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Brian! Brian, not that I don't find this conversation endlessly fascinating, but do you think we could reschedule it for a more convenient time?

Brian Lane:
Not at all. When do you fancy?

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
How about when hell freezes over.

[last lines]

Gerry Standing:
That chiropodist do a good job?

Pete MacKintyre:
Uh, yeah, thanks for asking. You know, as a matter of fact I feel like I'm walking on air now, Mr Standing.

[first lines]

Priest:
Don't forget the rings.

Robin:
One yes.

Priest:
Do please try to be on time.

Caitlin Standing:
I'll try, yes.

Priest:
Every blessing; we look forward to seeing you in a couple of weeks time.

Robin:
Thank you very much.

Priest:
God bless.

Caitlin Standing:
'Mr Standing' - what was that?

Gerry Standing:
I hardly know the bloke.

Caitlin Standing:
He's trying his bloody heart out here. Why can't you?

Gerry Standing:
There's no need to swear.

Caitlin Standing:
I'm your daughter; swearing's part of the job description.

Danny Griffin:
I'm Danny Griffin, from the Unsolved Crime and Open Cases Squad.

Archie:
They know you've escaped?

Gerry Standing:
How the bloody hell did you get in here?

Robin:
Well, I am a solicitor.

Gerry Standing:
Oh, yeah. Slither under the door, did you?

Gerry Standing:
It's a historic thing. Solicitors and coppers are like cats and dogs; they never get on.

Caitlin Standing:
Well, if you can't make this right, dad... then I don't want you at the wedding.

Gerry Standing:
But I'm giving you away.

Caitlin Standing:
No, dad. You're throwing me away.

[last lines]

Caitlin Standing:
Throw that butt on the ground, and it's a fixed penalty notice of seventy-five pounds.

Gerry Standing:
A bit steep, i'n't it?

Caitlin Standing:
We can reduce it to thirty if you pay within ten days. You promised me you'd give up anyway.

Gerry Standing:
Yeah, well, I, uh, [throws the butt into the river] I'm working on it.

Caitlin Standing:
I want you there, dad. For the wedding, the grand-kids, all of it.

Gerry Standing:
Why don't we see if Robin's free for lunch?

Jack Halford:
Now we've met her, I think it's even more out of order taking on this case.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Why? Because she's a feisty young female who's put your back up?

Jack Halford:
I seem to remember another feisty young female who put people's backs up.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Thank you.

Jack Halford:
I gave her a job.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
yeah, well, maybe I'd like to help Christy the same way you helped me. You see, that's the trouble with men: they just can't handle a strong woman.

Brian Lane:
What're you on about? We've put up with you for bloody ages.

[last lines]

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Jack. You're wrong. About my father. You're wrong.

[first lines]

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Hello.

Jack Halford:
Good morning.

Esther Lane:
[to Brian as he tries to kiss her] No. I've told you, I've had enough. I'm sick of driving you around. This is the last time.

[first lines]

Jack Halford:
How can Strickland afford to keep a boat in a place like this?

Brian Lane:
Yeah, I couldn't afford to fish in it.

Gerry Standing:
When I was a kid this whole place was a toilet. Literally. Few yards down the road, the biggest sewage plant in Bermondsey.

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
Thanks for that precise mental image, Gerry.

Jack Halford:
Does he have to drag us all the way out here?

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
I think it's very nice of him actually to take us for a bit of a sail. It's his way of saying thank you for all our hard work.

Gerry Standing:
I prefer 'ard cash.

[they start down the ramp]

Gerry Standing:
Ooh dear, be careful.

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
Shut up.

Jack Halford:
Which one is Strickland's?

Brian Lane:
G7. It must be the mooring number.

Jack Halford:
Ah. G9. G8. [pointing to a large yacht] Ah, must be this one.

Gerry Standing:
Blimey!

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
Wow!

D.A.C. Robert Strickland:
[from the next boat] Ah! Welcome aboard the 'Last Minett'.

Gerry Standing:
He's having a laugh, isn't he?

Jack Halford:
I've seen bigger bathtubs.

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
It turns out before Milburn and Carole got together, Carole and Patrick Nash were the school's Romeo and Juliet

Gerry Standing:
Ah, shagging.

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
I think the preferred term is childhood sweethearts.

Gerry Standing:
Hmp. Shagging.

Gerry Standing:
Where've you been?

Brian Lane:
Down the library.

Gerry Standing:
Cor, you know how to live, don't you!

[last lines]

Jack Halford:
New blazer, sir?

D.A.C. Robert Strickland:
Yes, yes, do you like it?

Neville Sweeting:
They chuck one of those at every president of the yacht club.

Jack Halford:
You're the new president?

D.A.C. Robert Strickland:
Yes. Yes, didn't I tell you? There was some talk about Lawrence Fisher taking the helm, but it was felt he was a little too close to, uh, recent events. [looks at watch] Have to dash. Club committee meeting. Time and tide wait for no man, not even the president.

[Strickland leaves]

Jack Halford:
What a total sh...

Jack Halford:
Grant Milburn. He is the man Leanne claims Fisher murdered. He made his millions in casinos.

Gerry Standing:
Alright. I remember him.

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
Not surprised. It was propbably you who made him rich.

Steve McAndrew:
You know, as, ah, French philosopher Pascal said that all man's miseries arise from not being able to sit in one room alone.

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
You've been spending too much time with Brian Lane.

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
Coming back to what?

Steve McAndrew:
Yeah. [sighs] Silverfish?

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
Pardon?

Steve McAndrew:
Oh, yeah, Brian was telling us: they're, they're tiny little insects, right? And they live on... You're right; I've been working with Brian for too long,

[first lines]

Gerry Standing:
...I thought the whole gang were wearing that unif...

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
[entering] Morning!

Steve McAndrew:
Morning.

Gerry Standing:
Hello, gov'nor.

Steve McAndrew:
What have you got there?

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
Electricity bills, bank statements, letters, all belonging to different people, and all recovered in a raid on a lock-up.

Steve McAndrew:
What were they doing there?

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
Serious and Organized were acting on a tip-off and they found a huge heroin stash, but also discovered a whole stockpile of documents. These are just a sample.

Brian Lane:
But why pass them on to us?

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
Well, several are covered with the fingerprints of a man murdered five years ago.

[last lines]

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
You okay?

Mia Adler:
I've got one hell of a story to tell on the blog.

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
I look forward to reading it.

Mia Adler:
Thank you. For everything.

Brian Lane:
Why did you need money?

Paul Armitage:
One of the girls on the floor got herself into trouble.

Steve McAndrew:
You mean you got herself into trouble.

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
You have to realise that if that list had got out the lives of those officers would have been in danger.

Catherine Green:
That's what happens in a war.

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
Oh we're at war, are we?

Catherine Green:
Yes, we're at war. We're fighting for our civil liberties, for our freedom, for fairness against a corrupt self-regarding patriarchal establishment who are willing to sacrifice every single one of us in the pursuit of money and power.

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
Very nice speech, Boz. Very rousing. But you see, I don't think that Boz hit Martin Longthorn because he unmasked her; I think Catherine hit him because he betrayed a lonely young woman who thought that she'd finally found some sort of connection in the real world.

Catherine Green:
I think I should only be taken apart by a qualified technician.

[first lines]

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
A couple of weeks ago you were moaning that the workload was too heavy without Jack.

Gerry Standing:
Look, we're not saying we don't need someone.

Brian Lane:
It's just who that someone is.

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
What's wrong with Steve?

Gerry Standing:
Na- nothing, nothing. He's a nice bloke; he just needs calming down a bit.

Brian Lane:
We didn't get a say in it.

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
No, you didn't,

Brian Lane:
Well then.

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
Well then, what? Finding a replacement for Jack was my decision and mine alone, Brian.

Brian Lane:
But it's a new member of the family.

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
No, it's a new member of the team; he's a good detective, and that's all that matters.

[last lines]

Steve McAndrew:
I'm not trying to replace Jack Halford; I'm not trying to steal your friends; just trying to get along, you know. Anyway, that's, that's uh, that's me, so... um. Well, thanks a lot, Esther.

Esther Lane:
Thank you for the flowers.

Steve McAndrew:
Oh, um, oh, you're welcome. Well, good night to you both and...

Brian Lane:
Stop. Look, now you're here, you might as well have some cottage pie.

[Esther uncovers a dish]

Brian Lane:
She puts cheese on the top.

Steve McAndrew:
Well. Okay, then; thanks.

Gerry Standing:
Steve, you're in London. We have cuisine.

Steve McAndrew:
Hey, it's not all deep-fried Mars bars in Glasgow, you know.

Gerry Standing:
Yeah, I know. All Scottish food's based on a dare.

Professor Blake:
What happens now?

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
I honestly don't know. I'll have to contact the CPS, and they'll figure out if you've committed a crime and whether they want to prosecute it.

Professor Blake:
I realize I've been very stupid.

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
Unfortunately there's no law against that.

[Gerry has been evacuated from his house because of a gas leak and spends the night sleeping at Steve's house]

Steve McAndrew:
[to Danny] His snoring's like nothing I've ever heard before. It goes all the way from, like, amplified Darth Vader up to to, like, asthmatic walrus.

[Danny and his friend Nathan go to Minchampton to interview Barbara Haynes. As they are talking in the wood where a body was found, Barbara's neighbour fires a shotgun in the air over their heads]

Barbara Haynes:
Jim Tanner, you daft bugger! What d'you think you're doing?

Jim Tanner:
Rabbits.

Barbara Haynes:
Rabbits, he says. You've scared this pair half to death! You damned fool!

Danny Griffin:
[to Nathan] Well, either our friend is a *very* bad shot or Minchampton rabbits can climb trees.

[last lines]

Danny Griffin:
You must be relieved to get back home, eh.

Gerry Standing:
Yeah, I will be; yeah, I'm still at Steve's.

Danny Griffin:
But you got the message from the gas company?

Gerry Standing:
No. What message?

Steve McAndrew:
Well, the work's finished; it's safe to return home. I told Steve to pass it on.

Steve McAndrew:
Oh, that must've slipped my mind, after... uh, well I, you know, I thought you and me... you know, it's going well. I just thought...

Gerry Standing:
It's got nothing to do with you and me. it's all down to my grub.

Steve McAndrew:
Well, OK, OK. I was looking forward to your lamb tajine, all right?

Gerry Standing:
Were ya? Well, the lamb tajine is staying in the pot. From now on Gerry's caf' is closed. [Gerry leaves]

Steve McAndrew:
Nice work, Danny. Now you've upset the missus.

Steve McAndrew:
So in a way, following Ellen's trail led us straight to her own killer.

Danny Griffin:
In a way, yes. Just had to... follow the breadcrumbs.

[first lines]

Jack Halford:
Do you take sugar?

Gerry Standing:
Huh. How long have we worked together?

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Right. Do you want the bad news or the bad news?

Jack Halford:
What?

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Strickland's just told me that he's brought the deadline for the audit forward.

Jack Halford:
To when?

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Friday, which means we're going to have to start the paperwork right now.

Gerry Standing:
They can't do that.

Gerry Standing:
Oh, Gerry, I think after last year they can do anything they like.

Jack Halford:
Our paperwork was, um... how did Strickland put it?

Gerry Standing:
'A total shambles.'

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Yeah, well, it's not going to be like that this time. The new systems we've put in place should make it easy for us to account for every single penny we've spent in the last twelve months.

Gerry Standing:
Well, what about our proper work?

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
No new cases until after the audit, I'm afraid.

Gerry Standing:
Hmph. I didn't know accountancy was part of our job.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Anyway I've got to get upstairs to my meeting with Strickland, so, please, get started.

[Sandra leaves]

Jack Halford:
[groans] What new systems?

Gerry Standing:
Buggered if I know.

[last lines]

Jack Halford:
That's a very nice-looking plant you've got there, Brian.

Brian Lane:
Yes, it's a rhododendron. It's for Esther. She's coming home tonight.

Jack Halford:
That's very thoughtful of you. Esther will be moved.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
I'll tell you what she'd really like, Brian. Before she arrives, run a nice hot bubble-bath; then get in it and give yourself a wash, 'cause you stink. Pooh, [mumbles]

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Right! Cut the crap; what's going on? Jack?

Gerry Standing:
We've got a new case.

Jack Halford:
Two.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
I turn my back for *one* minute...

[last lines]

Det. Supt. Karen Hardwick:
I'm off.

Brian Lane:
Where to?

Det. Supt. Karen Hardwick:
Malaga. As of ten minutes ago, I'm officially retired. Adi?s.

Gerry Standing:
Guv'nor, can I have a week off?

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
No!

Gerry Standing:
[Nyreen is palpating his neck] Um, do you ever work nights?

Nyreen:
I'm gay!

Gerry Standing:
That's all right, so am I. [she replaces his surgical collar roughly] Agh! I said gay, not S & M.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
I've got addresses for most of the people involved, but even the hyper-efficient Karen Hardwick can't locate Oyekambi or Freedman. But Oyekambi's Nigerian so there's a good chance she's not even in the country. I'm going to go and see White's widow; I think it's time we let the victim's family know what we're doing.

Gerry Standing:
Detective Chief Inspector Karen Hardwick?

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Yeah, why? D'you know her?

Gerry Standing:
Heh-heh! I know her all right.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
[disgustedly] Ah, Christ! Not another one.

Gerry Standing:
No, no, no, no. I worked with her. If we don't crack this case, she will.

[first lines]

Jack Halford:
[entering the pub 'The Galway Belle'] Here. [he hands Sandra her purse]

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Fintan MacEntee? Detective Superintendent Pullman.

Jack Halford:
Jack Halford. Interesting choice of venue.

Fintan MacEntee:
Well, I wanted to meet you two somewhere there was no chance of bumping into any of my fellow countrymen.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Here?

Fintan MacEntee:
Believe you me, no self-respecting Irishman would be seen dead in this place.

[last lines]

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Drive!

Jack Halford:
What?

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Just drive!

[first lines]

Det Supt Sandra Pullman:
[on her mobile] I just don't see why it's suddenly landed in my lap.

Jack Halford:
Good morning.

Det Supt Sandra Pullman:
I'm on my way now, sir. Move, Gerry!

Jack Halford:
Good morning.

Gerry Standing:
Is it?

Jack Halford:
Third time lucky. Good morning, Brian. [Brian ignores him] Ah, sod the lot of you!

Gerry Standing:
Question: what was he doing on a hippie commune in the first place?

Brian Lane:
How about 'Sex, Drugs and Naked Yoga'? Silly season story from the Daily Star in 2005. Couple of hacks went in undercover to expose free love and psychedelia in Waltham Forest.

Gerry Standing:
That explains it, doesn't it? If I'd seen that story when I was eighteen...

Det Supt Sandra Pullman:
You'd have been digging out your bell-bottoms and love bead thingies.

Jack Halford:
And you wouldn't have told your mother where you were going.

Steve Pearson:
Just the way he was going. Not when we first moved in together; he was pretty normal then.

Carl:
Depends your idea of normal. He never missed a lecture, handed all his essays in on time...

Steve Pearson:
He was just a nice lad, though, right? It didn't last though. by the end of term he was involved in things at the union. The societies.

Jack Halford:
What societies?

Carl:
Oh, ban the whale, save the bomb, trees are people too - all that kind of thing.

[last lines]

Det Supt Sandra Pullman:
I know you're struggling, Brian... but you need to know that you're not alone. And, I just want you to bear that in mind.

[Brian is fixating on the beer being drunk by three mates]

Det Supt Sandra Pullman:
Brian?

Brian Lane:
Yeah.

[Brian and Gerry have been interviewing a suspect about an alibi she gave her ex-boyfriend]

Lysette Perry:
Tell Luke that I'm seeing someone else now, won't you. Someone older, more mature. In fact, you can tell him I hope he gets cancer.

Brian Lane:
[mutters to Gerry] After going out with her, it would probably come as a relief.

Gerry Standing:
So, Ricky Hanson - mate of yours?

Jack Halford:
Biggest murdering, thieving, lying, piece of morally bankrupt shite I've ever laid eyes on.

Brian Lane:
Well, nothing personal then.

Ricky Hanson:
[vile criminal spots his nemesis Sandra entering the bar he presides over] That's amazing. And here's me thinking I'm going to have to go to bed on my own tonight.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
[snappily] Not while there are dogs on the street.

[first lines]

Brian Lane:
What's going on? Why are we here? What's the big mystery?

Gerry Standing:
Who cares? There's a tab; someone else is paying.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
[arriving] Evening, all.

Gerry Standing:
Oh, evening.

Brian Lane:
What's this about, then?

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
It's December the ninth.

Gerry Standing:
Is it?

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
You haven't twigged, have you? UCOS, three years old today. Happy birthday!

Gerry Standing:
Aaah. Look, the reason men don't remember dates is because they're too busy.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Men don't remember dates 'cause they don't care.

Brian Lane:
Why is the table set for five places?

Jack Halford:
[looking toward door as Strickland arrives] Every silver lining has a cloud.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
It was his idea, and he's paying for it.

Jack Halford:
Oh, well, in that case...

Ricky Hanson:
What happened to that blonde bird you used to knock about with? What was it? Sheila, Se- *Sandra*, that was it! She still around? I liked her.

Jack Halford:
She liked your Luke; thought he was straight. Unlike the pond life that spawned him.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Why are you so pissed off with your son, Ricky?

Ricky Hanson:
You got some front. Who do you think you are, coming in here, talk to me like I was nothing? You want to know where I was that night? Talk to your mates in the flying squad. Yeah, that's right. Oh, don't worry, you can't miss 'em; big, ugly and stupid... just like you.

Ricky Hanson:
Who taught you to tail people, Stevie Wonder?

Jack Halford:
[to Luke Hansen] Going straight! You're about as straight as the Circle Line.

[last lines]

Brian Lane:
Does Jack know?

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
No, we're going to go and tell him; where is he?

Brian Lane:
I don't know.

Gerry Standing:
Well, the last thing he said to me was that he had some unfinished business.

Jack Halford:
How did you get on? Enjoy yourself with Jacinta?

Gerry Standing:
No, not really. I don't fancy her.

Det Supt Sandra Pullman:
I'm sure she'll get over it.

Gerry Standing:
No, you don't understand. I don't fancy her - it's weird.

Det Supt Sandra Pullman:
Maybe you're finally emerging from puberty.

Jack Halford:
[after "sampling" six bottles of high-strength ale] I particularlarly liked the '96.

[first lines]

TV Reporter:
[on TV] After hearing the guilty verdict, Deputy Assistant Commissioner Robert Strickland gave this reaction.

D A C Strickland:
It is hard to comprehend how a detective of McAdam's rank and experience could have deceived his fellow officers for so long.

Gerry Standing:
'Cause you were in charge of him, you pillock!

D A C Strickland:
We will now undertake a full and thorough review of all the major investigations led by DCI Mcadam during the last fifteen years.

Brian Lane:
Ouch.

Jack Halford:
Fifteen years.

Gerry Standing:
Pity the poor bastards who've got to sort that lot out.

Det Supt Sandra Pullman:
[holding a thick file] Yes, pity.

Brian Lane:
But it's nothing to do with us; those are all closed cases.

Det Supt Sandra Pullman:
All except this one.

Gerry Standing:
No way!

Det Supt Sandra Pullman:
You don't want to do it?

Jack Halford:
No.

Det Supt Sandra Pullman:
Nineteen ninety-eight, a twenty-six-year-old named Graham Thompson drowned in a vat of beer. Felspar's Brewery, Hoxton - as in the still functioning, still making beer Felspar's. [pause] OK. Fair enough.

Brian Lane:
Felspar's. I must have drunk gallons of the stuff.

Gerry Standing:
We could have a *little* look.

Jack Halford:
Wouldn't hurt.

Gerry Standing:
The brewery paid for most of this, didn't it?

Jacinta Felspar:
I got this the hard way: I married someone.

Gerry Standing:
Tell me about it.

[last lines]

Gerry Standing:
I told you there was something weird going on.

Det Supt Sandra Pullman:
Seeing as you were so right, you can so write this one up. Good night.

Jack Halford:
Good night.

Brian Lane:
Night.

Gerry Standing:
Uh, good night. [opens a bottle of Far-Reaching Bitter] Last one. What a shame.

Brian Lane:
[drunk on fumes] Would you pass me my crocodile. It's time to eat my cheese and pantaloons.

[first lines]

Trainer:
So, to sum up: Creative Problem Solving. Techniques that allow us to move forward as individuals, as teams, as an organization.

Gerry Standing:
[standing] Right.

Trainer:
One last thing before we finish. [Gerry sighs and sits down] Could you stand up, please. Right. [holding a large soda bottle] You catch it; you come up with a new use for it. If you get stuck, use the check-list. Don't censor.

Supt. Sandra Pullman:
[catches the bottle] Um, cut the bottom off, attach four strings, tie them to a silk canopy: hot air balloon.

Trainer:
Great. [Amanda tosses the bottle to Brian]

Brian Lane:
Sterilize, crush, melt and mince a hundred bottles providing fibrous polyester strands which we weave into a fleece. [tosses the bottle to Gerry]

Gerry Standing:
Um... Nah, I'm sorry, me brains gone blank.

Trainer:
Relax; use the check-list. You have an idea, Gerry.

Gerry Standing:
Huh. No, I haven't.

Trainer:
If it's sexual, perfectly normal.

Gerry Standing:
No, I'm sorry, sweetheart; nothing.

Trainer:
Don't block, Gerry.

Gerry Standing:
I'm not.

Trainer:
You have the answer.

Gerry Standing:
I haven't!

Trainer:
What are you holding?

Gerry Standing:
Eh?

Trainer:
Say it, Gerry!

Gerry Standing:
What?

Trainer:
What's in your hand?

Gerry Standing:
It's a bottle, for Christ's sake!

Gerry Standing:
[Gerry has been badly beaten] Cor blimey, I don't remember it hurting this much before.

Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Well, that's age dulling the memory.

Gerry Standing:
Oh, thanks very much.

[last lines]

Supt. Sandra Pullman:
[Brian is trying to open the office safe] What's the problem?

Brian Lane:
I can't remember the number.

[first lines]

Gerry Standing:
So, what's his name?

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
Dan Griffin.

Steve McAndrew:
Nah, never heard of him.

Gerry Standing:
Where's he from?

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
Near London somewhere.

Gerry Standing:
*Near* London?

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
Sussex. No, Surrey.

Steve McAndrew:
How old is he?

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
Uh, fifty-two.

Gerry Standing:
Fifty-two?

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
Yeah, he's only just retired, but he's been with the Met thirty years. [Gerry grunts] I like him.

Gerry Standing:
You like Marmite.

Steve McAndrew:
*I* like Marmite.

Gerry Standing:
But why are we meeting him in Soho?

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
Well, I thought he might as well get stuck straight in, and the murder case that Strickland wants to brief us on took place here.

Steve McAndrew:
What's that? the death of an almond croissant?

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
Grow up.

Kevin Ellison:
Angela Gold! Don't talk to me about Angela Gold!

Danny Griffin:
That might be slightly problematic, given it's the sole reason we're here.

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
Do you mind if I just re-check with you, Mr Ellison, where you were the night Jim died?

Kevin Ellison:
You saying you think I'm a suspect? You can't be serious.

Danny Griffin:
Hang on, I'll check. [glances toward Sandra] Yes, she's serious.

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
Do you have any idea where she might be? We can't seem to locate her.

Kevin Ellison:
Ask me if I'm bothered.

Danny Griffin:
Are you bothered?

Kevin Ellison:
Is he on drugs?

Gerry Standing:
You know a bit about this case, do you?

Danny Griffin:
Yeah. I started as a beat officer in Soho.

Gerry Standing:
Hah. Me too! Good old seventies!

Danny Griffin:
Before my time.

[Sandra grins at Gerry]

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
Jane, you failed to disclose the fact that you were having an affair at the time your husband was killed.

Jane Harlow:
I was at a party the night Jim died. I'll never forget the police coming in to tell me he'd been... found. One of them was very solicitous. Very kind. And then he asked me for my autograph.

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
Jane, could you tell me who Sara's real father is?

Jane Harlow:
[to Gerry] I'm sorry, but have we met before?

Gerry Standing:
[nervously] Me? No. No, sadly not, no, and I, I would *definitely* remember.

[Sandra glares at him]

[last lines]

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
[finds Gerry smoking a cigar] I bloody knew it.

Gerry Standing:
Look, I did try giving up, honestly. Anyway, I never said I was going to stop smoking; I said I was going to stop smoking *cigarettes*.

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
Your lungs.

Gerry Standing:
Yeah, but I felt so ill, honestly, I couldn't bear it.

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
[she grabs his cigar and crushes it underfoot] Bear it.

[first lines]

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
[accepting drink from spa attendant] Thank you. [answering her mobile phone] Gerry, what do you want? It's my day off.

Gerry Standing:
Yeah, I know. Listen, I'm sorry about that, Guv, but I need your help.

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
Why, what's happened?

Gerry Standing:
No no no, nothing like that. It's just... listen... I'm giving up cigarettes.

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
Gerry, well done! That's fantastic!

Gerry Standing:
And I just wondered whether you'd by my fag buddy.

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
Your what?

Gerry Standing:
Fag buddy. You know, somebody who helps somebody else give up smoking.

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
Oh, right, yeah, of course. No, I'd love to help.

Gerry Standing:
Yeah, but you've got to keep encouraging me, all right? Make sure I don't waver. Make cigarettes history!

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
Absolutely. Good man; keep it up.

Gerry Standing:
Oh, I will. Yeah, cheers. Bye.

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
Bye.

[first lines]

Tom Eldridge:
Sandra!

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
I'm in a rush; I'm sorry, Tom.

Tom Eldridge:
I left a couple of messages on your phone. Four, actually.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Yes.

Tom Eldridge:
You're avoiding me.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
I've just been very busy.

Tom Eldridge:
You've been busy... Family, Sandra. You're the only blood relative I have left.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Sorry, Tom.

[last lines]

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
I'm not sure how this is going to work out.

Tom Eldridge:
Me neither. That's OK, isn't it?

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
It'll have to be.

[first lines]

Gerry Standing:
Why did you kill him, Mehtin?

Mehtin Topal:
I didn't.

Gerry Standing:
You're lying.

Mehtin Topal:
Look, I admit I was a bad man ten years ago.

Gerry Standing:
You were a heroin smuggling sociopath who killed Sean Docherty.

Mehtin Topal:
I didn't even know the guy. He was a poet, apparently; yeah, come on, do I look like I need the rhyme?

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
His body was found in your yard.

Mehtin Topal:
You found a poet on my patch, and used it as an excuse to sniff around and bring me down on a whole lot of other stuff. But you never charged me for the murder, and I'm walking out of here in nine months; so go suck on that.

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
Sean was bludgeoned to death and then set alight in your yard between ten and ten thirty p.m. on March the twenty-ninth 2002.

Mehtin Topal:
If you say so.

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
And yet you weren't even in London according to your chauffeur, Emray.

Mehtin Topal:
I was driving up to Newcastle.

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
He stuck to that story for ten years.

Mehtin Topal:
He's a good lad. I must remember to buy him a drink when I get out.

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
You'll have a job; he's gone into witness protection. However, before he went, he broke your alibi.

Gerry Standing:
So go suck on *that*.

Luke Oswald:
Sean could start a fight in an empty house.

Gerry Standing:
You're only saying that cause you want to get into her Alans.

Brian Lane:
Eh?

Gerry Standing:
Cockney poetry. Alan Wickers. Work it out.

[last lines]

Gerry Standing:
We got a result. 'All's well that ends well.'

Brian Lane:
Huh. That's Shakespeare, you know.

Gerry Standing:
I know; I bloody love poetry. You know when I went to see Alice? She was ready to give me a right ear-bashing. One line of verse and she melted. It's bloody Viagra, that stuff.

Brian Lane:
Told you.

Gerry Standing:
Yeah. Wasted on the likes of you.

[first lines]

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
Sorry to keep you, sir. Car trouble.

Brian Lane:
And bike trouble.

D.A.C. Strickland:
You're probably all wondering what I'm doing here.

Jack Halford:
It had occurred to us.

D.A.C. Strickland:
I've been asked to pilot a new scheme which aims to ensure senior ranks interface more regularly with what's happening further down the chain of command.

Gerry Standing:
Slumming it, you mean.

D.A.C. Strickland:
I prefer to see it as maintaining a ground up approach to policing.

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
Was Dean in on the robbery?

Mike Barnes:
Oh, for God's sake! Dean wasn't a criminal; he was an estate agent!

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
There's a difference?

[last lines]

Brian Lane:
Who's going to tell Pamela about the reward?

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
I will.

Gerry Standing:
I suppose one of us claiming it would be out of the question.

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
Completely. And it's against Met rules, as you well know, Gerry.

Gerry Standing:
Yeah, but technically those rules only apply to you. I mean we're civilians. Could be a good few bob in it.

[Sandra just looks at him]

Gerry Standing:
That'd be a no, then.

Jack Halford:
And then, of course, there was the vanishing man.

Brian Lane:
Mm, Trevor Jones.

Gerry Standing:
Cor, right piece of work he was. What?

Jack Halford:
It's not?

Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
Oh yes it is. Mike Barnes is Trevor Jones!

Gerry Standing:
You're kidding?

Jack Halford:
Under lock and key? Ooh-ooh, it makes you glad to have lived this long.

[Gerry is moaning about modern students who spend three years studying something that is completely irrelevant to the job that they then get, just for "the experience"]

Gerry Standing:
If they want an experience, tell them to get up at five o'clock every morning, do a fifteen hour shift covered in animal guts. Cos that's what I was doing at their age. And that *is* an experience.

Steve McAndrew:
Yeah but to be fair, Gerry, training as a butcher doesn't have that much to do with detective work, now does it?

Gerry Standing:
Well that's not true, actually. Cos once you can quarter a cow, single-handed, without flinching... Prepares you for anything, doesn't it?

[Gerry is questioning Frances Kane, a radical feminist. He notices a large wooden ornament on her desk, carved in the shape of a woman's genitals, and keeps glancing at it]

Frances Kane:
Is my vagina bothering you?

Gerry Standing:
[hesitantly, embarrassed] No, no, it's very nice.

Frances Kane:
I had it made for my 50th birthday. I call it my portrait.

Gerry Standing:
[horrified] What, you mean that's... you? That is your...?

Frances Kane:
Yes, it's me.

[to Steve, after they have left Frances]

Gerry Standing:
I take it back about quartering a cow. It did *not* prepare me for *that*!

[first lines]

Bryony Willis:
Right. OK, I will make a statement, if only to hear myself think. I'm... delighted that this tribunal has reached its verdict. Its judgement represents an opportunity for all organizations to shatter glass ceilings. There is no room for sexism in the workplace; no room for sexism in any place in 2014. So this is one small battle won. Thank you.

Journalist:
Miss Willis. You spent the first few years of your life on Greenham Common. Is it fair to say that your upbringing provided you with the tenacity which has helped see you win this case against against Drex' employer?

Bryony Willis:
I've no doubt the two are linked, yes.

Journalist:
Your mother fought hard for women's rights as well as protesting Trident; she must be very proud. Was she with you in court today?

Bryony Willis:
She couldn't be here unfortunately; no.

Journalist:
Would you still call yourself an activist?

Bryony Willis:
Well, if by activist you mean being a vigorous supporter of a political cause, then yes, absolutely I am an activist.

Journalist:
And your father was an activist?

Bryony Willis:
You're going to have to be a bit clearer about where you're headed with this.

Journalist:
It's merely an observation. Two very different approaches. You've gone down a more legal route; you're father adopted a bit of a different approach, didn't he?

Bryony Willis:
Well, my father was a terrorist; it's no secret. And neither does it have any relevance to this tribunal; that's all for now, thank you.

Gerry Standing:
Two hundred grand for sexual discrimination. What a load of bollocks!

DCI Sasha Miller:
Yeah, I think that's the point she's making, Gerry.

Mary Griffith:
There were ninety-six missiles at Greenham. Each one was four times more powerful than the atomic bomb that destroyed Hiroshima. Now, you think about that for a second. There's only so much singing around a campfire you can do before you realize you're about as useful as an ashtray on a motorbike.

Steve McAndrew:
You'll pardon me for stating the obvious, pal, but this is some almighty bloody mess you've made.

Winston:
What's that saying? Nobody ever died of the truth. I'm not so sure.

[last lines]

Gerry Standing:
Well, I can't help it; I feel a bit sorry for the poor sod.

DCI Sasha Miller:
He did have a choice, Gerry.

Gerry Standing:
Yeah.

Danny Griffin:
"'Tis a goodly life you lead, if only you are strong enough to lead it."

Steve McAndrew:
Shakespeare?

Danny Griffin:
Wind in the Willows.

Danny Griffin:
Court records show he was carrying an IED, improvised explosive device.

Gerry Standing:
Where I come from that's a home-made bomb.

Esther Lane:
[sneezes] Ugh! Are you wearing aftershave?

Brian Lane:
Its called Lethal for Men.

Esther Lane:
Well don't get it on the sheets.

[first lines]

Jack Halford:
Another funeral. Once a fortnight now. Coming round like bloody Christmas. Victor Hadley, mean anything to you? Must be someone I knew in the job. Wasn't there a D.C.I. at Kilburn called Hadley? No, that's Hedley. Well, might as well go. Networking for the older man.

[last lines]

Esther Lane:
What have you been doing, or is it still top secret?

Brian Lane:
No, I can speak now. Well, I've solved a ten-year-old murder, recovered twenty million pounds worth of smuggled diamonds from the grave of a notorious killer. All this came through a gay gangster who was forced to dismember his dead lover.

Esther Lane:
Brian, if you can't say anything sensible just let me go back to sleep.

[first lines]

Herbalist:
Taken correctly, combined with proper diet, these medicines can control the flow of energy and help you balance the workings of the mind.

Brian Lane:
Yeah. Yeah, that's definitely what I'm after; the holistic approach. Western medicine's treating me like a machine, a system. Instead of a whole, living, breathing person,

Herbalist:
But, um, if you are taking prescription drugs, I'd recommend you consult your doctor before changing your regime.

Brian Lane:
[with fingers crossed behind his back] Why, of course, of course.

[last lines]

Jack Halford:
So, I suppose you think you're a bit of a dark horse, eh, Mary? Well, actually I knew all along. I'm a detective, remember. You didn't deceive me. So, you've no secrets, no reason to feel guilty. You just sleep easy, eh. Good night, love.

[Gerry is describing how he used to lust after diver Lotte Haas wearing a swimsuit when he was nine years old]

Gerry Standing:
I've always had a thing for older women.

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
Now there aren't any!

[first lines]

Jack Halford:
If the Good Lord had intended man to dive underwater, he'd have put lead weights in his head.

[last lines]

Esther Lane:
Have you read this medical questionnaire you've got to fill in if you want to train to be a diver?

Brian Lane:
Eh?

Esther Lane:
You are to seek medical advice if you answer yes to any of the following questions.

[Brian groans]

Esther Lane:
Are you currently taking any prescribed medication?

Brian Lane:
Yeah, well...

Esther Lane:
Have you a history of alcohol or drug abuse in the past five years?

Brian Lane:
Five! That's a bit stringent.

Esther Lane:
Have you any history of mental or psychological illness of any kind, fear of small spaces, crowds, or panic attacks?

Brian Lane:
Wasted all that money.

Esther Lane:
Well, it doesn't have to be wasted. We could always wear the rubber suits.

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
My responsibility is to see that the job is done.

Gerry Standing:
Yeah, but that's not why you're doing it, is it? You want to prove something, don't you? That you're top girl; the best, the fastest, the bravest!

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
Balls!

Gerry Standing:
The very word, and you want some.

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
No, no no no. What's pissing you off is the fact that a girlie is doing things you can't do; it's called old-fashioned male chauvinism.

Gerry Standing:
Yeah, well, maybe so. But whatever you want to call it, what's *pissing* me off is the fact I have to hang around like a spare part when you might be in danger.

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
Gerry, that's reall...

Gerry Standing:
And if you say that's sweet of you, I'll punch your lights out!

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
You and whose army?

Brian Lane:
How did someone like me end up with someone as gorgeous and fantastic as you?

Esther Lane:
[pretending to be smug] That's a question I often ask myself.

[first lines]

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Last week, Peter Offord, a forty-three-year-old plumber, was arrested on suspicion of a warehouse robbery in Wembley, but his DNA didn't match any found at the scene. However, it did show a link to a man found strangled on a tube train *here* in March ninety-six. Dead man's identity has never been established.

Jack Halford:
Until now?

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Turns out Peter Offord was that murder victim's son.

Gerry Standing:
Yeah? How'd he react to that?

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Never knew his dad, apparently; he was brought up alone by his mum.

Gerry Standing:
Hmh.

Brian Lane:
But I don't understand; if this fellow died on the tube, then surely this is one for the British Transport Police.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Yeah, well, since two thousand two, the Commissioner and the Transport Police Chief Constable confer on such cases, and it's been mutually agreed that UCOS should take this one on.

Gerry Standing:
What she means is it's been dumped on us.

Jack Halford:
Any scene of crime photos?

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Nope.

Jack Halford:
List of suspects?

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
No scene of crime photos, no list of suspects and we don't even know the victim's name.

Gerry Standing:
Well, what happened to him?

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
He was strangled face to face.

Gerry Standing:
What sort of bloke was he?

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
A vagrant.

Brian Lane:
What, a tramp?

Gerry Standing:
Oh, great!

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
[about the unidentified victim] And actually, can we stop referring to him as 'him' or 'the victim'. Let's dignify him with a name or something.

Brian Lane:
Tom.

Jack Halford:
Dick.

Jack Halford, Gerry Standing, Brian Lane:
Harry!

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Harry.

[last lines]

Brian Lane:
What's wrong?

Jack Halford:
Don't know. Won't start. I don't believe it; the battery's dead!

Brian Lane:
That's all right; we'll take the tube.

Jack Halford:
[yells] Taxi!

Gerry Standing:
I'm game as the poacher said when they shot him.

[last lines]

Gerry Standing:
Now Stanley left the factory for a bit of the other, right?

Jack Halford:
Right.

Gerry Standing:
But he forgot his mobile phone. So when he gets to his girlfriend's flat he realizes he can't find it, so he dials the number, like you do when you lose your phone. Now the fire started in the kitchen area, and he'd left the gas on. The phone rings, ignites the gas. Well it's like when you turn on a light bulb. When a mobile phone rings, it *can* spark electricity. That's why you get all these notices telling you not to use 'em near petrol pumps and stuff. So the call sparks the phone; the spark ignites the gas. Well, it's obvious, isn't it?

Supt. Sandra Pullman:
You clever boy.

Gerry Standing:
Well, thank...

Sylvia Ackerman:
[protesting outside] A husband and wife should be together for life.

Brian Lane:
Well, seeing as how Stanley's an innocent man shall we give him a break and not put forward Gerry's theory? Let him stop inside.

Jack Halford:
Be the humane thing to do.

Gerry Standing:
I can't handle that for the next two years.

Gerry Standing:
[on meeting Sgt. Guha] Pushkar?

Sgt Pushkar Guha:
Yeah. It's Hindi for Skoda.

Supt. Sandra Pullman:
[Referring to a criminal convicted of race-hate crimes] He's now a born-again Christian.

Gerry Standing:
[Shaking his head in disbelief] Jesus!

Jack Halford:
He was the first, I think you'll find.

Sgt Pushkar Guha:
Right then, back to uniform.

Brian Lane:
What are you on about? You've hardly had yours off.

Sgt Pushkar Guha:
What? Ruin a perfectly good suit?

Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Shame.

Jack Halford:
Bloody shame.

Gerry Standing:
[and Pushkar and Brian, together] Pound.

Brian Lane:
Pound minimum.

Supt. Sandra Pullman:
The swear box is gone.

Gerry Standing:
What do you mean gone? How?

Jack Halford:
It's a police station. Some bugger nicked it.

[first lines]

Sarah Levene:
Mr Standing?

Gerry Standing:
Yes, here.

Sarah Levene:
Well, you certainly pick your moment, don't you?

Gerry Standing:
Well, if it's not a good time...

Sarah Levene:
Nononononono no. It's taken eight years to get you here; I'm not letting you out of my sight. Come on, this way.

Gerry Standing:
Can I take those?

Sarah Levene:
Oh, yeah. Why, thank you. Who said chivalry was dead?

Brian Lane:
[about outfit at a fashion show] You'd look a right prat going down the shops in that lot.

Jack Halford:
Don't think you've quite got the hang of haute couture, Brian. It's not meant to be accessorized with a supermarket trolley.

Brian Lane:
Fashion! It's daft, though, isn't it? Folks spending their life chucking out perfectly good clothing only to buy t'same stuff again ten years later.

Gerry Standing:
Does your missus know you're here? If you want a divorce lawyer I know three to avoid.

[last lines]

Sarah Levene:
So you're back to the old look, then?

Gerry Standing:
Yeah. I'm retro and proud of it.

Gerry Standing:
Now, this really pisses me off. The Old Trout used to be a proper good old-fashioned boozer full of charm and character.

Jack Halford:
Full of prostitutes and pimps, as I remember.

Gerry Standing:
Yeah, that's what I mean by character. It's still better than cheap lager and wide-screen TVs.

[first lines]

Jack Halford:
Talk about Soho Prices! Four pounds fifty for a cheese toast.

Gerry Standing:
It's a *panini*!

Jack Halford:
Ripoff.

[last lines]

Chris Parr:
I didn't think I'd see you again. Is this an official visit?

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
[long pause] OK. Ground rules.

Chris Parr:
Go on.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
My job comes first.

Chris Parr:
Same with me.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
I don't do soppy phone calls in the middle of the working day.

Chris Parr:
I don't even answer the phone.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
I don't want to meet your family.

Chris Parr:
I don't want to meet yours. Anything else?

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Yeah. I don't pay for sex.

Chris Parr:
Shame. 'Cause I have a special offer on this week. Buy one, get one free.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Well, I do love a bargain.

[they kiss]

[first lines]

Antonio:
Good. Very good. You move well, but more attitude, more open, more sex. And don't fight me. In salsa the man is always the leader; the woman is there to follow his signals, his desires. The man is always in control, just like in life. You must cut off your brain; salsa does not come from here [pointing to head] , it comes from here. [places hand on heart] The heart. [places hand on her]

Supt. Sandra Pullman:
If you don't take your hand off my tit, I'll break your wrist

Esther Lane:
You really do make a fabulous man.

Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Years of practice.

[first lines]

Gerry Standing:
All right, mate, listen. Five minutes, that's all. Your mum'd go mad if you're late for school.

Geeten Mistry:
Sanctum UK was set up twelve years ago to provide free legal advice to those with, uh, immigration and citizenship issues.

Brian Lane:
And there's a lot of demand for that?

Geeten Mistry:
Oh, yeah, British immigration law - particle physics is simpler.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Of course, I can't make you come.

Gerry Standing:
But you'll make our lives a bleeding misery if we don't.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Yeah.

Jack Halford:
Man's a control freak.

Brian Lane:
He gives us control freaks a bad name, actually.

[last lines]

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Come on; pub.

[first lines]

Emma:
Good morning, sleepyhead, rise and shine.

Gerry Standing:
[about questioning a elderly person with dementia] Whoa, whoa, you tread carefully there, guvner.

DCI Sasha Miller:
Yeah, I intend to.

Gerry Standing:
No, but even a hint of a balls-up, the CPS'd drop this quicker than a whore's drawers on a Friday night.

Steve McAndrew:
Look, Gerry, about what I said the other day, uh... I was out of order, OK?

Gerry Standing:
Well, at least we agree on something.

Steve McAndrew:
It's,i-it's just not the same drinking without you, all right. It's cheaper, granted, but... it's a bit like... Batman without Robin.

Gerry Standing:
More like Laurel without Hardy... And I don't expect you needed me on your case.

[long pause]

Steve McAndrew:
Pint?

Gerry Standing:
I'll grab me coat.

[last lines]

DCI Sasha Miller:
You said you needed some advice.

Hannah:
Oh, did I?

[puts a red straw in Sasha's drink]

Hannah:
Well, I was lying.

DCI Sasha Miller:
What are you doing?

Hannah:
It's called a setup. Only talk to the ones with the red straws; the rest are married. You'll thank me in the morning.

Gerry Standing:
Hold on, hold on! Look, we're talking about the fifties here. If you were depressed, you had a swift drink and got on with it. Not like today; you can't move in here without someone sending you to a bleeding counsellor.

DCI Sasha Miller:
[Gerry is refusing to speak to Steve] It's like working in a cr?che.

Danny Griffin:
Except we're dealing with considerably lower IQs.

[first lines]

Gerry Standing:
Aaough.

Steve McAndrew:
Thought you were the golfer.

Gerry Standing:
[chuckles] So did I. [Steve chuckles] Go on then.

Steve McAndrew:
OK.

Gerry Standing:
A really difficult green to read, I tell you.

Steve McAndrew:
I know, I know, I know, I know, you worry. Here we go.

DAC Robert Strickland:
Morning.

Steve McAndrew:
Oh, morning, sir.

DAC Robert Strickland:
What are you two doing?

Steve McAndrew:
Final hole of the open.

Gerry Standing:
You've no idea about the amount of *crap* that UCOS got in the early days. I mean at first everyone said 'Oh yeah, what a great idea' but then they realized we were working just a bit too well; we were showing up ex-coppers for what they actually were: slovenly, disinterested, and in some cases downright bent!

Steve McAndrew:
Gerry.

Gerry Standing:
Where're you going?

Steve McAndrew:
On the Underground.

Gerry Standing:
The Underground?

Steve McAndrew:
Mm-hm, Glasgow does Underground.

Gerry Standing:
I was surprised by the electric lights.

[last lines]

Gerry Standing:
You know what? Scotland's beginning to grow on me.

Steve McAndrew:
What, you're actually willing to come back again?

Gerry Standing:
Yeah, could well do, actually. If you could ever scrape together eleven decent players to give us a game.

DAC Robert Strickland:
Glasgow's been in touch.

Steve McAndrew:
Oh?

DAC Robert Strickland:
They're setting up their own cold case review section.

Gerry Standing:
What, like this one?

DAC Robert Strickland:
I doubt it'll ever be quite like this one, no.

Nick Kellogg:
[Prisoner enters prison interview room] I prefer the other one. [referring to previous visit by Sandra]

Jack Halford:
That's cos you don't know her. Sit Down.

[first lines]

Jack Halford:
[Arriving at prison gates] Sandra. You been waiting long?

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Thirty seconds is too long in this place.

[first lines]

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Now, give this one a chance; try to keep an open mind, OK? [moves to undo her mother's seatbelt]

Grace Pullman:
I can manage!

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Fine.

Grace Pullman:
You can be very childish at times.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Oh, and insisting on going here, to this place where someone was murdered, that's maturity, is it?

Grace Pullman:
Don't know that for sure.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
I do. I'm certain of it. So you are not moving into a place when the person who did it is probably still there.

Grace Pullman:
Oh, this means you care, does it?

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
No, no. No, it means I'm selfish just like you said. Because if anybody's going to have the pleasure of murdering you then it bloody well deserves to be me!

[last lines]

Grace Pullman:
You know what's odd about this place?

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
No, but I'm sure you'll tell me.

Grace Pullman:
There's no history of us. No photos; I've checked; I've been through every room, even your bedroom.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
You went into my bedroom?

Grace Pullman:
Not even one of your father. Now, that did surprise me; I thought you'd have one of him for sure. I've never understood that, that ability to be alone, that pride in your independence that shuts everyone out. Even your own family. I had hoped when he died that we'd grow closer together but you just moved further apart, until in the end you *were* him, another police officer rejecting me all over again.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
I am trying, mum.

Grace Pullman:
I know. But we're too far apart to keep living this close. You can come and visit me, when you want.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Yeah. Yeah, I will. I promise.

Grace Pullman:
You're not folding that right.

Gerry Standing:
[as they pull up to Whitemead] There you go; the Bates Motel.

Brian Lane:
Just don't take a shower, eh.

Grace Pullman:
You're lying to your boss; you're up to something. And now that I've embarrassed him into leaving he can't ask any more awkward questions, can he?

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
And embarrassing me in the process, that was just the icing, wasn't it?

Grace Pullman:
Yes.

Fiona Fielding:
It takes seventeen muscles to smile, Mr Halford, and over thirty-four to scowl.

Jack Halford:
I like to keep fit.

[first lines]

Brian Lane:
[as he keys into computer] Arrived at the major crime unit this morning, ready for action. This is my world. Feels like the calm before the storm. But I know that I'll be kicking down doors before long. [computer beeps] Oh, no. I... Come on, Brian, come on, think, think, think. [starts keying again] On my way in this morning, I played a game that keeps me sharp. Spot the criminal. It's the game I always win. Cop is in my DNA. [computer beeps again]

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Morning.

Brian Lane:
[in a strangled voice] Bry, the bloody, lou...

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
What's the matter, Brian?

Brian Lane:
[sighs] I'm struggling to distil what happened to me this morning down into under 140 characters.

Gerry Standing:
Characters?

Brian Lane:
Yeah, letters and spaces.

Gerry Standing:
What are you talking about?

Brian Lane:
Twitter.

Gerry Standing:
Oh gawd.

Brian Lane:
There's a count-down thing tells you how many characters you've got left.

Gerry Standing:
Yeah.

Brian Lane:
Turns red when you get below ten which is actually quite intimidating.

Jack Halford:
Brian! I have been watching you all morning. And I can sum up what you have achieved in six characters. "Sod all"!

Brian Lane:
Seven. You forgot the space.

[last lines]

Gerry Standing:
I used to do a spot of painting.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Really?

Gerry Standing:
Oh, yeah. Mostly landscapes... and nudes.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Don't even go there, Gerry.

[Gerry chuckles]

Donald Bevan:
Saturday afternoon, acting on a tipoff, Traffic arrested Fred Donaldson for drink driving outside the Wolsey Park Golf Club. After failing a subsequent blood test, Donaldson asked that his 'good friend' ex-detective Gerry Standing be informed so that he could, quote, sort it out. This morning, Donaldson was charged with a series of rapes that took place in the Hammersmith area twelve years ago. The arresting officer was a D.I. Terry Cassidy of the serious crime group, formerly of the pedophile unit. [to Gerry Standing] You must think you're pretty cute.

Gerry Standing:
Not compared to you.

Donald Bevan:
This is not how the Metropolitan Police obtains results. Do you understand!

Gerry Standing:
Oh, it is a result then. He did do it!

Donald Bevan:
You count yourself lucky I'm no longer your governor.

[Bevan leaves, slamming the door]

Gerry Standing:
Every single bleeding day!

[last lines]

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
Derek Rodger.

Brian Lane:
Did you tell him?

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
He died three o'clock this afternoon.

Jack Halford:
Well, him and his lad will have plenty to talk about.

Det. Inst. John Cassidy:
So who's your stalker?

Gerry Standing:
Oh, an ex job. Left last year' Diane Loveless.

Det. Inst. John Cassidy:
What, old 'fish bum'?

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
You slept with her, didn't you?

Gerry Standing:
Yeah.

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
You disgust me.

Gerry Standing:
We never discussed you at all.

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
Jack!

Jack Halford:
Diane Loveless. She still have that tattoo of a killer whale on her bum?

Brian Lane:
I thought it was a shark.

[first lines]

Gerry Standing:
A thousand uniform officers have gone already; it stands to reason there's going to be more redundancies.

Brian Lane:
Yeah, you're right.

Jack Halford:
You're being paranoid.

Brian Lane:
Paranoid? Me?

Gerry Standing:
Just because we're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get us.

[last lines]

Brian Lane:
To UCOS.

Gerry Standing:
UCOS.

Jack Halford:
And all who sail in her.

Brian Lane:
All who sink in her.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
I've got some news.

Brian Lane:
Yeah, we can guess. How long have we got?

Jack Halford:
We know you've discussed it with Strickland.

Gerry Standing:
We're prepared for the worst.

Brian Lane:
Past as new.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Sorry to disappoint you, but Strickland has made some inquiries, and you're not going to get away that easily.

Gerry Standing:
What did he say?

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
UCOS has not been and never will be destined for closure.

Brian Lane:
I knew it. I knew they'd never get rid of us.

Gerry Standing:
Well, we've got years of experience between us; that doesn't grow on trees, you know.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
I'm sure that's one of the things they took into consideration, but somehow I don't think it's what clinched it.

Jack Halford:
The fact is: we're dirt cheap.

Brian Lane:
The owner of the bag was identified through this: a baby's vaccination card. William Adamson, born twenty-first of January 1971. Reported missing fifteenth of August 1971, along with his mother, Donna, age twenty-four.

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
Shouldn't it have gone to the station who originally filed the mother and child missing?

Brian Lane:
It did.

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
So it's their case.

Brian Lane:
It's *my* case.

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
Excuse me. *I* decide which investigations we pursue.

Brian Lane:
No, I mean it *is* my case, *was* my case, when I was stationed at Finsbury Park nick.

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
You're not going to go all obsessive, are you, Brian?

Brian Lane:
Probably.

[last lines]

Jack Halford:
I want what we've given that family: the truth.

[first lines]

Brian Lane:
Morning.

Jack Halford:
If Esther's chucked him out, it's your turn to put him up.

Brian Lane:
[to Officer carrying banker's box] Yeah, put them there. [pointing to Gerry's desk]

Gerry Standing:
Whoa, no you don't, no no no, [points toward Jack] down there.

Jack Halford:
Uh, desk in the corner, please.

Brian Lane:
[as four boxes are piled on the desk] What the! I only wanted the Adamsons.

Police Officer:
These are all the Adamsons.

Brian Lane:
From '71?

Police Officer:
Can't do that, sir. All are kept by surname. It's all the Adamsons or none of them.

Brian Lane:
Glad I didn't ask for Joneses.

Brian Lane:
After I'd made some enquiries and got nowhere, me superior told me to put it on the index and forget about it. Donna had probably walked out on her husband. Shacked up with another darkie.

P C Clark:
Darkie!

Brian Lane:
His words, not mine. It's just the way people spoke back then.

Jack Halford:
When I started, we were told never to use the word 'black'. The expression was 'coloured'; then race relations came in, and we were told never to use the word 'coloured'.

Gerry Standing:
Yeah, 'black' was the new 'black'.

Jack Halford:
[chuckling] Yeah.

[first lines]

Brian Lane:
Warm, warm, warm warm. Warmer, warmer, warmer, warmer. Hot!

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
Clark, do the honours, while Stan, Ollie and Rainman gather round and try and remember what it was like to be in the police.

Gerry Standing:
[Sandra has taken the blame for Gerry's actions] You didn't have to do that.

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
Bevan didn't want you in the first place; that would have been the excuse to get rid of you.

Gerry Standing:
Yeah, well, thanks a lot.

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
Don't thank me; he's got a point. You're contradictory, reactionary and ill-disciplined.

Gerry Standing:
But?

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
You're occasionally inspired.

Gerry Standing:
She thinks I'm occasionally inspired.

Jack Halford:
You think she's finished.

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
Put me in that position again, and I'll have your balls for earrings.

Jack Halford:
Now she's finished.

[last lines]

Donald Bevan:
Pullman!

[Gerry is in the opticians. He tries on a pair of half-moon glasses that he thinks make him look like 'David Dickinson (II)' (qv), presenter of the _"Bargain Hunt" (2000)_ (qv) antiques programme]

Gerry Standing:
David Dickinson?

Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
Yeah - but without the "David" or the "inson"

[first lines]

Gerry Standing:
There you go. [places bowls of jellied eel in front of them]

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Oh dear, oh dear.

Brian Lane:
We walked all this way for this?

Gerry Standing:
Yeah, it's closing down; it's me last chance.

Jack Halford:
Can I borrow your glasses, Gerry?

Gerry Standing:
Go on, it won't bite!

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
You sure about that?

Gerry Standing:
Jack, come on, you're a man of the world.

Jack Halford:
[studying the bowl dubiously] It doesn't look like this is of this world. No thank you.

Brian Lane:
I don't eat food that wobbles.

Gerry Standing:
Well, you don't know what you're missing. [takes a large bite] Mmm. Mmm. The true taste of Old London; you know, the one being wiped out by Ken and his cronies. I mean, hundreds of years of history and tradition...

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Oh, for God's sake, shut up. Look, I'm eating it.

Brian Lane:
Oh pooh, Ernie.

Gerry Standing:
There is no way he could have sold two grand's worth of ice cream on that particular day.

Brian Lane:
Well, no, 'cause you eat strawberries and cream at Wimbledon.

Gerry Standing:
No, not just that. On the third of July, Cliff Richard entertained the centre court because it was *pissing* down. The covers were up and down like a whore's drawers on Friday night while he murdered 'Living Doll'.

[last lines]

Esther Lane:
Well, if I'd known this was what it took to get the kitchen decorated, I'd have bought you a chemistry set for your birthday.

[first lines]

DCI Sasha Miller:
Border Agency picked her up yesterday, cash in hand, in a restaurant in Dalston.

Steve McAndrew:
She try to run?

DCI Sasha Miller:
They all try to run.

Gerry Standing:
Middle-aged man plus beautiful girl divided by he won't take no for an answer.

DCI Sasha Miller:
Equals yes, we know what it looks like, Gerry.

Jason Harvey:
I never heard Rich and Joanne argue, not once, y'know. They're like a couple of swans.

Gerry Standing:
What, you mean they hissed at you when you tried to give them bread?

Gerry Standing:
[about his car] That *thing* is a classic.

Steve McAndrew:
You seem to thing 'cause somethings old it's good, you know.

Gerry Standing:
In my experience, something is old *because* it's good.

Steve McAndrew:
Yeah, yeah.

Gerry Standing:
Built to last, mate; built to last.

[last lines]

DCI Sasha Miller:
What took you so long?

Gerry Standing:
Ah, I got terry to make a little, uh, improvement.

Steve McAndrew:
Didn't you say it was perfect?

GPS:
Have a nice day, Gerry.

Steve McAndrew:
Gerry?

DCI Sasha Miller:
Let's get those letters translated from Asye's mother; see if there's any mention of Richard.

Danny Griffin:
I know an excellent Turkish translator.

Danny Griffin:
A chap from your time in the diplomatic service?

Danny Griffin:
Kebab shop around the corner.

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
His company books stank.

Gerry Standing:
Why?

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
They were immaculate.

Danny Griffin:
When did you last see Simon?

Dom Akers:
When he babysat my kids, about... two days before he disappeared. I mean, my wife had left; I was trying to get this place up and running. You ever seen 'Kramer versus Kramer'? You know, Dustin Hoffman trying to make french toast. Yeah, that was me, all over the shop.

Danny Griffin:
Have you got the hang of it now?

Dom Akers:
What?

Danny Griffin:
Making french toast.

Gerry Standing:
"They f*** you up, your mum and dad./ They may not mean to, but they do. / They fill you with the faults they had / Then add some extra, just for you."

Danny Griffin:
You said all that to Tim by the lake?

Gerry Standing:
Nah, just the first line; I looked the rest up later.

[last lines]

Gerry Standing:
Guv'nor, you ready for another big night?

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
Already planned one. I'm going to go home, microwave a curry and watch some rubbish telly.

Gerry Standing:
Normal service is resumed.

Steve McAndrew:
Night, Guv. Night, Danny.

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
Night.

Danny Griffin:
Go'night. [Steve and Gerry leave]

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
Good night.

Danny Griffin:
G'night.

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
Danny...

Danny Griffin:
Yeah?

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
Good to have you with us.

Steve McAndrew:
Nine million people in London and one forest; where the hell is everybody?

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
Indoors!

Gerry Standing:
Well, maybe he did top himself.

Danny Griffin:
So why try and take all that money out?

Gerry Standing:
Well, that knock-back could have been just what tipped the scales. I know the banks make me feel suicidal every now and again.

Gerry Standing:
Now listen, son, you got a choice here: you kill me too... or you bolt for it. You see, the thing is I don't think you're really a killer; I think what happened with Simon was just in the heat of the moment. And I bet you've been hating yourself ever since. But I don't see you as a bolter either. So you got another choice...

[last lines]

Gerry Standing:
Well, I'm going for a pint. You going to the library?

Brian Lane:
I've had it with libraries.

Gerry Standing:
Eh?

Brian Lane:
They're full of weirdos.

Gerry Standing:
I thought that's why you felt so at home.

Jack Halford:
Anyway, they're a thing of the past.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Mm, really?

Brian Lane:
[holding up ereader] This is the way forward. Linked to the Internet it allows me to access the world's literary culture from the comfort of my own armchair.

Gerry Standing:
Cor, let's have a go. Can you play football manager on it?

Brian Lane:
No, you can't, and be careful. I've just downloaded the complete poems of Philip Larkin.

Jack Halford:
Now there's a man who spent his life in libraries.

Gerry Standing:
Huh. Here's a good quote.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
What's that then?

Gerry Standing:
"Books are a load of crap."

Jack Halford:
[affected professorial tone] I think you'll find that's an example of Larkin's use of irony.

[Gerry wants to go for a drink to celebrate the end of the case, but everyone except Jack is busy]

Gerry Standing:
Looks like it's just you and me then?

Jack Halford:
As long as you don't try and propose to me.

Gerry Standing:
[As they leave] Ooooh, you frisky northern vixen, you.

Gerry Standing:
[about Sasha] What happened to the bloke who took her to Barcelona?

Steve McAndrew:
What goes in Barcelona, Gerry, stays in Barcelona.

Danny Griffin:
And he did, stay in Barcelona. With a twenty-five year old occupational therapist.

Gerry Standing:
Oh dear, oh dear!

Danny Griffin:
[he is being asked to work on a stakeout] I'd love to...

DCI Sasha Miller:
Good.

Danny Griffin:
but I have plans. There's a special screening of 'The Big Sleep'; I have promised Fiona so...

DCI Sasha Miller:
Danny!

Danny Griffin:
Sorry. She's scarier than you.

DCI Sasha Miller:
She is not!

Steve McAndrew:
Yeah, she is.

Steve McAndrew:
[Steve has agreed to do the stakeout] Time and a half, wasn't it?

DCI Sasha Miller:
Uh, what happened to civic duty?

Steve McAndrew:
It's alive and well and costs fifty percent more after six p.m.

[last lines]

Gerry Standing:
This has got nothing to do with either of you.

DCI Sasha Miller:
Actually, it does; you've got a lot of questions to answer.

Gerry Standing:
I'm going home.

DCI Sasha Miller:
No, Gerry, you're going to come back to the office with us. [Gerry ignores her] Gerry. Gerry Standing, I'm arresting you for conspiracy to murder Detective Chief Inspector Martin Ackroyd, You do not have to say anything, but it may harm your defense if you do not mention when questioned something which you later rely on in court.

[first lines]

Pastor:
Today we say good-bye to our friend, whose life was tragically cut short... His family and friends may well feel cheated that he has been taken from us too soon. But we have many happy memories of him, and these we must hold dear in oour hearts.He was loved, respected, and will be missed by us all.

DCI Martin Ackroyd:
There's no point in cops being on the take if the lawyers aren't.

Gerry Standing:
Listen, Danny, this is too dangerous; you've got family.

Danny Griffin:
So have you.

Gerry Standing:
Well, Fiona would kill you if she knew you were involved in this.

Danny Griffin:
Actually, she'd kill you. Probably only wound me.

DAC Robert Strickland:
Rather than lick our wounds, might we move forward?

DCI Sasha Miller:
Yes, I'd love to! Which way *is* forward?

Steve McAndrew:
Sure this is a good idea, Sasha?

DCI Sasha Miller:
I ran out of good ideas a while back, Steve. Just on to ideas now.

Ted Case:
Ackroyd was as bent as a nine bob note.

Ted Case:
There's always files these... people want to disappear, so I made it my business to copy these files. You know, for a rainy day.

Gerry Standing:
Well, it's pissing down now.

Ted Case:
Well, there's a lovely umbrella for you.

DCI Sasha Miller:
We'll be back very soon, and you'll be needing a spectacularly good lawyer.

DAC Robert Strickland:
Yes, well, it's very sad what happened to Gerry. But the best way we can honor his memory is by all coming in to work tomorrow morning extremely hung over.

[last lines]

Gerry Standing:
Still got it.

[first lines]

Jack Halford:
You bring me to the nicest places.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
If this case is as open-and-shut as Strickland thinks it is, hopefully we won't be here too long.

Jack Halford:
So this bloke Davis wants to make a confession twenty-five years after the event. Have we spoken to his mental health officer?

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
He does have a link to the missing boy; he was a friend of the family.

Jack Halford:
So what? His conscience got the better of him?

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Maybe he found religion when he was inside.

Jack Halford:
Yeah. There's gotta be another reason for all this.

Anne Gorton:
The day's coming when we won't be able to go anywhere, meet anyone, say anything without it being recorded and noted down by those in power. CCTV, internet monitoring, illegal phone taps.

Gerry Standing:
But if you haven't done anything wrong, you haven't got anything to worry about.

Anne Gorton:
Well, it depends who's deciding what's right or wrong, doesn't it?

[the team are searching a sewer under London]

DCI Sasha Miller:
This is amazing.

Gerry Standing:
It's a sewer.

DCI Sasha Miller:
Oh, come on. How often do you get to come to places like this?

Steve McAndrew:
We're cops, Sasha. We spend half our lives knee-deep in sh*t.

[first lines]

Oliver Houghton:
Hello. Hello, It's me.

Steve McAndrew:
Sasha, what method do you use for poaching eggs?

DCI Sasha Miller:
I've no idea; I just point at them on the menu.

Gerry Standing:
So we're looking for a connection between this bloke Straka, drowned on the heath by somebody he picked up there, and a film critic who ends up dead in a sewer twenty years later. Now, with all due respect, guv'ner, there are three seasoned cops here who'll tell you there's bugger all in this.

Steve McAndrew:
Yeah.

Danny Griffin:
Two!

Gerry Standing:
Eh?

Danny Griffin:
Two. This seasoned cop has just spotted something interesting.

Cecily Watkins:
You have no idea what you're dealing with, do you?

DCI Sasha Miller:
What we're dealing with is murder whatever the justification, whether it's 'cause your dog told you to do it, God told you to do it, or you did it because you think you're Gandalf. It all boils down to the same thing.

[the team are searching a sewer under London]

DCI Sasha Miller:
Right, let's split up.

Steve McAndrew:
There speaks a woman who's never seen a horror film.

[last lines]

DAC Ned Hancock:
Good job.

DCI Sasha Miller:
I wish it had ended differently.

DAC Ned Hancock:
It was never going to end well. You cracked this one, Sasha. They're a good team. And you're good with them. I just, uh, wanted to say that. So, you joining them in the pub?

DCI Sasha Miller:
Yeah, a quick one. It's been a long day.

DAC Ned Hancock:
Should i...

DCI Sasha Miller:
Don't even try it, Ned. See you on the next one.

DAC Ned Hancock:
Yeah.

[first lines]

Genevieve:
You must, uh, go slowly at first, and, uh, gradually you can increase the speed. You need to, uh, keep going until it's, um, stiff.

[Gerry and the Cookery School Man exchange glances]

Genevieve:
Voila. Ferme to the touch like this is parfait.

[she eats some and sighs with pleasure; Gerry and the Cookery School Man react again]

Genevieve:
[she looks at the Cookery School Man's work] Salut.

Genevieve:
[looking at Gerry's work] C'est chouette, ch?ri.

Gerry Standing:
Sorry?

Genevieve:
Ah, I said uh, is, ah, very good.

Gerry Standing:
Ah, thank you.

Genevieve:
But you know, French food isn't just about, uh, cooking the ingredients in the right order. It's about a lot more than that.

Gerry Standing:
Is it?

Genevieve:
Why, yes! It is about, uh, France itself. It's about, uh, the passion, the, the culture. The language. This you must remember.

Gerry Standing:
All right, I will. Yeah, thank you.

[she moves off to check other students]

Cookery School Man:
She's right. You have to immerse yourself in the whole experience.

Gerry Standing:
How much French do you speak?

Cookery School Man:
[staring at Genevieve's backside as she leans over a table] Va-va-voom!

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
[she has found a French dictionary in the glove compartment] Learning French?

Gerry Standing:
Oh, no, not really, no. It's just my cookery teacher; she says I should immerse myself in everything French.

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
Oh, yeah, how's it going?

Gerry Standing:
Merde.

Gerry Standing:
Didn't know you spoke French.

Jack Halford:
I'm full of surprises, me. As are you apparently. "Of all the stores in all the world..."

Gerry Standing:
Eh?

Jack Halford:
Never mind.

Gerry Standing:
[about Genevieve] I think I might ask her out.

Jack Halford:
Why not? An attractive, stylish, sophisticated French woman and you. Why not; would that go wrong?

Gerry Standing:
Exactly.

[last lines]

Jack Halford:
Who would like another drink?

Gerry Standing:
Whoa, not for me, thanks. Gotta run.

Brian Lane:
Got another cooking class?

Gerry Standing:
No, I've been invited to an oenological event.

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
A what?

Brian Lane:
Wine-tasting.

Gerry Standing:
Vintage wine. Which, like women, get better with age.

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
Thanks, Gerry.

Jack Halford:
I'm not sure he was talking about *you*.

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
She just sat down and told us how she followed David, how she took him by surprise.

Jack Halford:
She smiled when she did it.

Brian Lane:
She was proud of what happened.

Gerry Standing:
Yeah, she avenged her father. Upheld the family honour.

Jack Halford:
I could call it a lot of things, but honourable wouldn't be one of them.

[first lines]

Gerry Standing:
Oh, well played, Junior. Now give it, give it and go. No, right wing, right wing! Go, go go! [Ball is kicked into Junior' leg, and he falls] Uh! You all right son? Gerry?

Gerry Junior:
I'm okay, Grandad.

Gerry Standing:
You sure? Good boy, you're playing well. Keep it up.

Father of Opposing Team Player:
Come on, son! Go in hard! The way we spoke about!

Gerry Standing:
[mutters] Berk.

Brian Lane:
He's a good little player, your grandson.

Gerry Standing:
Oh, well played, well played! Ah, nice, very nice! Gets it from his mum.

Brian Lane:
Yeah?

Gerry Standing:
She was the best player in her school.

Brian Lane:
Get away.

Gerry Standing:
Yeah, my Paula. Not many. Had trials with West Ham Ladies.

Brian Lane:
West Ham?

Gerry Standing:
Yeah, they trained two or three times a week.

Steve McAndrew:
Back home, if someone assaulted a police officer, we had a slightly different way of dispensing justice, know what I mean?

Brian Lane:
So did we a long time ago. But hey...

Steve McAndrew:
What?

Brian Lane:
If the governor hears you suggesting that, she'll personally frog-march you down to Euston and throw you on the first train back to Glasgow.

Steve McAndrew:
The way I feel about London right now, pal, that's quite an appealing thought.

[last lines]

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
[to Gerry] I think your Paula's a very lucky girl.

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
Every time my mother forced me to do something I didn't want to do, I fought against it tooth and nail.

Gerry Standing:
Why am I not at all surprised?

Brian Lane:
That was a very candid introduction you gave in the meeting there. Sounded like you were really serious about turning your life around. And believe it or not, I've been there. Same place as you are now. 'Cept mine wasn't gambling. Drink. [pointing at belly] Gets you right there, doesn't it. Right there in the guts. That yearning. That fire that you believe can only be quenched with one thing. Well, I wish I could tell you it's going to get easier, but I can't. You're going to have to fight that fire, like I do, one day at a time for the rest of your life. But I tell you this, mate, one addict to another: you're never going to win that fight if you hide from the truth of who you are and what you've done.

[first lines]

Brian Lane:
Strawberry Mivvy or Orange Maid?

[last lines]

Det Supt Sandra Pullman:
What are you going to call yourselves, anyway?

D A C Strickland:
Well, uh, we were thinking maybe the, uh, The Cop Shop Boys.

Gerry Standing:
We can come up with something better than that, can't we? After you've gone.

D A C Strickland:
Unh, we could hardly call ourselves The Police, could we? [laughs]

Gerry Standing:
What about, um, Gerry and the Pacemakers? Nah. Hey! AC/PC!

[they laugh]

Gerry Standing:
Are you ready, *sir*?

D A C Strickland:
I'm born ready, Gerry.

Gerry Standing:
And, one, two, three, four...

Gerry Standing:
Danny? Danny Jones? Ah, pleased to meet you. Gerry Standing from the Unsolved Crime and Open Case Squad.

Danny Jones:
UCOCS [pronounces it 'you-c*cks']

Gerry Standing:
Well, no, it's UCOS actually.

[first lines]

Brian Lane:
Crap. Absolute crap. You're a bloody disgrace. Three-nil to that shower. What a load of complete, five-star, total, bloody rubbish!

Mark Lane:
Dad, it was a friendly.

Brian Lane:
There's no such thing. You should never have lost. Never in a million years.

Mark Lane:
Against Spurs? We're non-league; they're ten divisions above us. What do you want to drink?

Brian Lane:
Nothing. I'll just eat me bloody orange.

Rod Erskine:
I *knew* Eric.

Gerry Standing:
You don't mean biblically?

Brian Lane:
What, Eric was gay!

Rod Erskine:
He was when I finished with him. Sorry.

[last lines]

[Brian is drinking with two women]

Brian Lane:
Now, who's for more Tia Maria?

1st Young Woman:
I shouldn't.

Brian Lane:
Oh come on. You know you'd like to; you know you want to, and I know deep down beneath that impressively upholstered and passionately seething bosom, you know you need to.

1st Young Woman:
Only a small one.

Brian Lane:
Oh, [looks down] don't be so personal. How about you? Is size everything in your compendium?

1st Young Woman:
You're mad, you are!

Brian Lane:
As a fish! [kisses both girls, then turns around to find his wife and son watching him]

[first lines]

Gerry Standing:
# Doo, doo-doo dooo, doo, doo-doo dooo #

Gerry Standing:
[is cut off by another car] Woah! [coffee spills on him] Aargh! Sh*t! You bleeding idiot, you could have killed the pair of us!

Guy Carse:
You could have killed me, you moron.

Gerry Standing:
What is your prob...

Guy Carse:
Take your hands off me...

Gerry Standing:
Eh!

Guy Carse:
-Mr Bleeding Magoo. You don't belong on the road.

Gerry Standing:
That's rich coming from you, you little... [sees wheelchair] Yeah!

Guy Carse:
What did you say?

Gerry Standing:
It was my right of way!

Guy Carse:
Oh, king of the jungle reckons I'm not up to it. Proud of yourself are you, taking the piss out of the handicapped!

Gerry Standing:
I'd leave it if I was you.

Guy Carse:
Toothless old git!

Brandon Skye:
UCOS - sounds like a haemorrhoid cream.

[last lines]

Gerry Standing:
So. Gonna tell me about this hypnotist?

Brian Lane:
Gerry, you've heard of a trigger? Well, the hypnotist plants in his subject a particular trigger, something familiar, close to the subject's heart. Hit that trigger, cause a nuclear reaction.

Gerry Standing:
And what's my reaction?

Jack Halford:
We daren't say.

Gerry Standing:
Well, what's my *trigger*?

Brian Lane:
Well, I'd give the music of Gerry Rafferty the widest possible berth.

[a new song starts on the jukebox]

Brian Lane, Det Supt Sandra Pullman, Jack Halford:
No!

[first lines]

D.A.C. Robert Strickland:
Say hello to Harry Eldridge, or what's left of him. He was found near Guildford a couple of days ago, cut up and buried not far from the A3. The dry sandy nature of the soil has left him pretty well preserved, wrapped in what looked like his clothes and old newspapers.

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
Positive ID, is it?

D.A.C. Robert Strickland:
Well, they found a wallet among the clothing with a credit card. Dental records should confirm it. Eldridge was a well-to-do butcher in Smithfield Market.

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
When was this?

D.A.C. Robert Strickland:
Well, those newspapers are dated December the nineteenth, 1976, the day Eldridge vanished. The most likely cause of death is this: a stab wound going up into the small of the back made with a long-bladed knife. The body was cut up quite skillfully, so doctor, surgeon?

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
Butcher.

D.A.C. Robert Strickland:
Mm. Quite.

Jack Halford:
Excuse me, Lestade and Family.

Sid Lestade:
Yeah. Yeah, it's a Huguenot name. They come over from France, stop getting massacred. Unlike Gerry here, used to get massacred every Saturday night.

Barry Lestade:
You mention Lestade in the meat trade and everyone knows what you're talking about. It's a name to be proud of.

Sid Lestade:
Yeah, except for him, of course. Silly bugger thought it made him sound like an iron hoof.

Gerry Standing:
No, I didn't!

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
You changed your name.

Jack Halford:
So your real name is Gerard Lestade.

Barry Lestade:
Ah, oui.

Gerry Standing:
Can you stop all this!

Brian Lane:
So deep down you're not cockney at all. You're French.

Gerry Standing:
I'm not bleeding French!

Sid Lestade:
That's what his old man used to say to wind him up.

[last lines]

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
He's my brother.

[last lines]

[Brian, Gerry and Jack were taking part in a psychological study at work]

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
I've um, just had an email from Samantha Gerson's boss at the research centre.

Brian Lane:
What's she say?

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
They've cancelled your involvement in the OMIWP study.

Brian Lane:
Oh no. Why?

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
I dunno. It just says "abnormal sample group".

Brian Lane:
But I allowed them unrestricted access to my mind.

Gerry Standing:
Oooh. I'm not sure the scientific community's ready for that, Brian.

Jack Halford:
I'm not sure *any* community is.

[first lines]

Jack Halford:
I don't want to be studied!

Gerry Standing:
Uh, me neither.

Brian Lane:
We're being turned into lab rats; it's degrading.

Brian Lane:
Here they come.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Just through here.

Gerry Standing:
Well, might not be so bad after all.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Right! This is Brian Lane, Gerry Standing and Jack Halford.

Samantha Gerson:
Great to meet you all. My name's Samantha Gerson; I'm a psychologist.

Gerry Standing:
Well, you just call me Gerry.

Samantha Gerson:
OK, Gerry. Hi.

Brian Lane:
Hello.

Samantha Gerson:
Are there any things you'd like to ask me?

Gerry Standing:
Eh, yeah, what uh, what does 'omip' actually stand for?

Samantha Gerson:
Older men In the workplace. With our ageing population, the set-up you have here will one day become the norm.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
[mutters] God help us.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
So did they offer you any ground-breaking insights?

Samantha Gerson:
[laughs] Not sure about ground-breaking. The way they interact with each other interested me, though. I think the lower levels of testosterone mean that they work together more effectively as a team.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
For God's sake don't tell Gerry that or he'll pop back the little blue pills like there's no tomorrow.

Brian Lane:
Look at this. [shows a picture of a cat]

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
It's a cat.

Brian Lane:
Do you know why their tongues are all rough? Because they're covered in sharp points, for stripping meat from bones.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Fascinating.

Brian Lane:
They've also got teeth that are designed for cutting and shredding, and retractable claws for pinning down prey. And people keep them as pets!

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Any of that relevant, Brian?

Brian Lane:
Yes. Know thy enemy.

Brian Lane:
He's helping me with me inquiries.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
What inquiries?

Brian Lane:
You'll see. I've had an idea.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
I hate it when he has ideas. Makes me very nervous.

Jack Halford:
That was Liam. The lab confirmed that the scat sample was from a big cat. He sounded quite excited.

Brian Lane:
Of course. They've been trying to prove the existence of the UK Big Cat for years. We've just given them the evidence.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
No, you did. That was an amazing bit of detective work, Brian. Well done.

Brian Lane:
Oh, any of you could have put it together.

Gerry Standing:
No! We're sane.

[first lines]

Jack Halford:
Hello. Um, uh, my name's Jack Halford. I've come to sign my will.

Blunt's Recepionist:
Ah, right.

Jonathan Blunt:
Aah, Mr Halford. At last we meet again.

Jack Halford:
[picking up will] Perhaps I should read it through.

Jonathan Blunt:
Well, you're more than welcome to, but the wording is exactly as we said it would be three years ago. Have your circumstances changed at all since Mrs Halford passed on.

Jack Halford:
No no, no, nothings changed.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Then sign it.

Harry Hepple:
[bursting in] I have to see him now. Right. [to Blunt] You and I need to talk.

Jonathan Blunt:
We have discussed this, Mr Hepple. If you wish to speak to me, you must make an appointment and wait your turn.

Harry Hepple:
I have been waiting for ten years.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Then ten minutes won't make any difference, will it?

Harry Hepple:
Excuse me, who do you think you are?

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Detective Superintendent Pullman. [shows her ID] Who are you?

Harry Hepple:
The cat is dead, Blunt. The cat is dead. [Hepple leaves]

Jack Halford:
What cat?

[last lines]

Brian Lane:
[to Scampy] And as for you... Murderer.

[first lines]

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
Thank you very much.

Driver:
You're welcome.

[last lines]

Jack Halford:
This seat taken?

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
'Tis now.

Jack Halford:
What you drinking?

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
A lot.

Jack Halford:
I know how you feel. White wine and large scotch, please.

[long pause]

Jack Halford:
Gerry thought you'd lost it. *You'd* lost it.

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
As if.

Jack Halford:
I tod him: "Sandra's no fool. She knows how far to go."

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
Thank you.

Jack Halford:
Always said you'd go far.

[first lines]

Brian Lane:
Now, we've got to be ruthless, Scruffy. Ester wants this clutter halved. So... come on, let's crack on. Now. Right. Chest expanders.

Gerry Standing:
Same old story, ain't it! The great British public care more about animals than people.

Jack Halford:
That's why it's the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals and only the National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children.

[last lines]

Gerry Standing:
Tell you what, Jack, you've still got those sores on your face.

Jack Halford:
Sores? What sores?

Gerry Standing:
Very kind of you. I'll have a pint.

[Gerry and Brian are about to break into Gerry's ex-wife's house so Gerry can retrieve what he thinks is a valuable fossil]

Brian Lane:
You can't just walk into someone's house in the middle of the night when they're away. Gerry, this is illegal entry.

Gerry Standing:
[smirking] All my wives have said that to me at one time or another!

[Brian and Gerry are chasing Mark Slater around the laboratory. When it looks as if Mark will escape, Brian takes a holdall from Barry Drake and skims it along the floor as if it was a bowling ball, causing Mark to trip over it and fall]

Gerry Standing:
Strike!

[last lines]

[Gerry has asked Madeleine Simmonds to identify a fossil that he has "borrowed" from one of his ex-wives, hoping that it will be worth a lot of money]

Madeleine Simmonds:
It's coprolite.

Madeleine Simmonds:
[excited] Is it?

Brian Lane:
Coprolite.

Gerry Standing:
Yeah, I own a coprolite. So between ourselves, could you give me a rough, ball-park figure of what I might hope to get for it?

Madeleine Simmonds:
Well, someone with a scatological sense of humour might offer you a few quid to have it as a conversation piece.

Gerry Standing:
[horrified] A few quid? But it's thousands of years old!

Madeleine Simmonds:
Oh yes, it's old all right, but it's not all that uncommon. Coprolite is fossilised animal dung.

Gerry Standing:
Sh*t!

Madeleine Simmonds:
Precisely.

Gerry Standing:
I don't want it.

[Gerry hands the coprolite to Brian who sniffs it]

[first lines]

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
[Brian opens a storage locker] Brian!

Jack Halford:
Well, say what you like about Bob Ruxton, but he never kept you waiting.

Brian Lane:
Aye, he was a good man. Always had time for a chat.

Gerry Standing:
And he always pulled the rounds. The nights I've been on the hit-and-miss with Doc Ruxton...

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
Yeah, well, that kind of behaviour might account for his having been suspended, mightn't it?

Jack Halford:
It's a hard thing for a man to be publicly pilloried after a long and distinguished career.

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
He's not being pilloried, Jack. He's facing charges of negligence and incompetence.

Brian Lane:
Nobody's perfect, Sandra.

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
I'll fix us up a meeting with the Keeper of Palaeontology, who's the head of Fletcher's old department.

Gerry Standing:
Excuse my ignorance, but what does the Keeper of Palaeontology actually do?

Brian Lane:
Oh, a very important job, Jerry. He's responsible for a world-class collection of fossils.

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
[mutters] Just like me.

[first lines]

Archie Milgrow:
Ah-ah, I think not.

Helen Hadley:
You don't own it, Archie.

Archie Milgrow:
Consuetudo pro lege servatur, I think you'll find.

[last lines]

Brian Lane:
I'm glad you're home.

Esther Lane:
Are you?

Brian Lane:
Ah! And I'm sorry... you know, for snapping at you.

Esther Lane:
What is the matter, Brian? Why don't you just tell me? Put us both out of our misery.

Brian Lane:
Just, sit... with me, will you?

Esther Lane:
All right. [sighs] What is it?

Brian Lane:
It's a secret... But I keep gnawing away at me head. [sighs deeply] I don't think I can carry on me own.

Esther Lane:
You can share it with me then, can't you. Mmh? When you're ready.

Brian Lane:
I fee- I think I'm ready.

Esther Lane:
Well? Go on.

Brian Lane:
[long pause] It's about Jack.

Brian Lane:
I'd like to take a look at your financial records.

Elizabeth Clayton:
I'm sure your efforts would be better spent concentrating outside the school... but go ahead. It may take you some time. Our system is still on paper.

Brian Lane:
Ohhh, I'm good on paper.

Chris McConnell:
I want to run with this on Sunday.

Gerry Standing:
You what?

Chris McConnell:
Sunday, I'm running with it, whatever. There's other papers sniffing around.

Gerry Standing:
You haven't got any proof.

Chris McConnell:
I've got sworn testimony. His word.

Supt. Sandra Pullman:
It could all be fantasy.

Chris McConnell:
Maybe; I don't think so. You get a feel for these things.

Supt. Sandra Pullman:
When Kitty Campbell finds out you're gonna run, she'll injunct.

Chris McConnell:
I'll give her a call Saturday night for comment. If she wants to appeal, I've got QCs coming out of my backside.

Gerry Standing:
Best place for 'em!

Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
[about Gerry Standing] Oh, he just remembers the good old days - when the police had more power than the tabloids.

Chris McConnell:
[to Gerry Standing] You must be VERY old!

[first lines]

Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Thank you. Oh my God! It looks amazing. [waitress places lobster entr?es in front of them] Wow!

Chris McConnell:
[to waitress] Thank you.

Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Cheers!

Chris McConnell:
Cheers. *Big* pans?

Supt. Sandra Pullman:
*Big* pans

Chris McConnell:
Sexy.

Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Mother's advice.

Chris McConnell:
Mother knows best.

Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Mm-hm. Never go into bike sheds with boys. Don't scrimp on moisturiser. Oh yeah. And, um, beware of newspaper editors who buy you lobster; they always want something.

Chris McConnell:
Well, this time Mother Pullman was wrong. This editor wants to *give* you something. A coup. The case. A career-enhancing collar.

Supt. Sandra Pullman:
No thanks. I'm on a sleaze-free diet.

Chris McConnell:
But what if I had evidence of a terrible crime.

Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Then go to the regular police.

Chris McConnell:
But it's old; it's cold; it's right up your street.

Binky:
Bertie, bless him. Couldn't wipe his own arse without a map.

[last lines]

Gerry Standing:
That good?

Jayne:
Oh my God, that's good! Heaven, just heaven.

Gerry Standing:
How about *this*?

Jayne:
Mm-hm. Mm, ah, mmf.

Gerry Standing:
That hit the spot.

Jayne:
Ah!

Gerry Standing:
Yes!

[first lines]

Stephanie Parr:
Even coming in 'ere... Someone sees me coming in or out of this place...

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
We understand.

Stephanie Parr:
This is a risk for me.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Yup.

Stephanie Parr:
A big risk.

Gerry Standing:
Don't worry. There's a way out at the back of the building; I'll show you later.

Stephanie Parr:
Can I smoke in here?

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
No.

Gerry Standing:
Sadly.

Jack Halford:
There's a pile of unsolved cases over there. Why is something as flimsy as this jumping the queue?

Gerry Standing:
Well, if you'll let me get a word in edgewise, I'll explain,

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Welcome to my world, Gerry.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Just explain to me how that woman had two men in her life.

Gerry Standing:
Well, she probably has one as a spare for after she's eaten the other one.

[last lines]

Gerry Standing:
Karen Chapman was arrested twenty minutes ago; apparently she went nuts. It took five woodentops to restrain her. [chuckles]

Brian Lane:
Well, that's a happy ending, of sorts.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Not for Stuart Barlow, it isn't.

Jack Halford:
Oh, even the best of us make mistakes, Sandra.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Well, I'm just glad we were here to clear up the mess.

Olive Risk:
What do you want?

Gerry Standing:
I just wanted to see some of Kieran's art. You know, get some feel of who he was, soak up...

Olive Risk:
No, you don't.

Gerry Standing:
No. I don't. I think someone tried to hurt him, maybe even kill him. I want to catch them.

Olive Risk:
Why? Because you care about Kieran? Because you care about art? Because you, you want to help a mother through her grief?

Gerry Standing:
No, none of those. It's what I do. I catch villains. I like catching villains; it makes me feel good.

[first lines]

Gerry Standing:
[to car salesman] There you go. Look registered with the Stag Owners Club. British steel. British upholstery. British craftsmanship. It's the last of the great British cars, this. Oh, look, look. Smell that leather. Go on, smell it.

Gerry Standing:
[his mobile rings] Morning.

Sandra Pullman:
[on phone] Where are you?

Gerry Standing:
I'm on my way in now; I won't be long.

Sandra Pullman:
What you wearing?

Gerry Standing:
Pardon?

Sandra Pullman:
What are you wearing?

Gerry Standing:
Well, today I'm wearing boxers. Blue cotton. They're quite clingy, too. When I move I can feel them riding...

Sandra Pullman:
Have you got a tie?

Gerry Standing:
Ooh, you want to tie me up, do you? You want to restrain- [Sandra ends the call] [to car salesman] Just the boss.

Brian Lane:
Pat's old school, see. Code of ethics: do the crime, do the time, keep shtoom, and all cops are bastards.

PC Clark:
So, the dealer who sold the fake paintings and the artist who painted them *both* had fatal accidents within days of each other?

Totty Vogel-Downing:
Yeah. The man who borrowed the paintings, Sir Stephen, is dead; the artist who painted the fakes is dead; the dealer who sold the fakes is dead; one buyer, Hardy, is dead; George Wilson is dead... Do you, do you ever have cases where the suspects are still alive?

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
Does the name Carl Dillon mean anyth...

Nigel Baxter:
No!

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
...mean anything to you?

[first lines]

Gerry Standing:
Good morning.

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
Morning.

Gerry Standing:
What's this all about?

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
Don't ask me. Strickand said eight o'clock; it's eight o'clock.

Gerry Standing:
Yeah, but why here?

Steve McAndrew:
Dodgy cappuccino and a hot dog?

Gerry Standing:
That's not his style.

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
Who was the original investigating officer?

Brian Lane:
Duncan Griffin.

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
He still around?

Brian Lane:
No, he died about five or six years ago. Had a good reputation.

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
Don't they all!

Stephen Fisher:
Do you think I killed him?

DAC Robert Strickland:
No.

Stephen Fisher:
Well, then you're more trusting than I am, Robert.

Stephen Fisher:
Hence the rumour: the oil was a front. Jane was working for TSAR.

DAC Robert Strickland:
What's TSAR?

DAC Robert Strickland:
Stands for Those Shits Across the River. MI-6 to you.

Jane Ross:
[discussing who the killer might be] It could be me.

Stephen Fisher:
No.

Jane Ross:
Why not?

Stephen Fisher:
Because you'd have made extra sure I was dead.

Jane Ross:
That's true.

[last lines]

Stephen Fisher:
[answers phone] Well, that's excellent.

Stephen Fisher:
Thank you so much.

Stephen Fisher:
No, one does hate to leave loose ends.

Stephen Fisher:
Yes, well. Let everyone know I'll be back in the office in a few days. And that there's going to be something of a reshuffle.

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
What can we do to help?

DAC Robert Strickland:
This is off the books. I want to make that very clear. There's a distinct possibility that being a police officer or being part of UCOS will afford no protecti...

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
What do you need us to do, sir?

[first lines]

Police Officer:
[to Brian, who is breathing heavily at the foot of a ladder] Go on. You can do it. Sir.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
When the builders found this, they called the local police who threw it up to us when they realized it was relevant to an old murder case.

Jack Halford:
How long was the trap door secured?

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Ah, the builders reckon the false ceiling was put in sometime in the fifties.

Gerry Standing:
And any time after that it would have been Artexed over.

Brian Lane:
[half-way into the attic] Oh, bloody hell, I can't do this. Confined space. Doctor's orders.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
It's all right, Brian, you don't have to come all the way up; you can watch from there.

Hannah Parker:
[on TV] My grandfather, Richard Dunn, was the victim of a massive injustice, and the truth has been buried for fifty years. I can't believe that it's going to be uncovered by a scratch team of superannuated plods.

Gerry Standing:
My three marriages went sideways 'cause I was always firing after glamorous, glitzy blondes, but with you it's different.

June Parker:
Oh, yeah?

Gerry Standing:
Oh, definitely. I mean, you're not my type at all.

June Parker:
Oh, that's terrific, Gerry. Thank you very-

Gerry Standing:
Oh no no no, I didn't mean that at all. I didn't mean-

June Parker:
Sh-sh-sh. When you're in a hole, stop digging.

Gerry Standing:
[about an old bus] God, it takes you back, doesn't it? You know it was on the top deck of one of these in 1961 I had my first adult experience.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
I don't think I want to know about that.

Gerry Standing:
I smoked a Woodbine!

[last lines]

Gerry Standing:
There is a bit of justice left in the world.

D.A.C. Strickland:
Never mind about justice. The point is how the hell did Hannah Parker get hold of our half of the document, eh?

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Nothing to do with me, sir, I can assure you of that.

D.A.C. Strickland:
[answering his mobile] Strickland.

D.A.C. Strickland:
Yes. Thanks. [closes mobile] Hannah Parker is on the BBC news.

Hannah Parker:
[on TV] I'm not prepared to reveal my sources. But I will say that even in the most reactionary, corrupt, and incompetent institutions, that there are one or two individuals who still know the meaning of integrity.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
[a criminal arrives home to find a Police raid in progress] That's him!

Jack Halford:
Didn't they make a wrong-number phone call to make sure he was in?

Gerry Standing:
What do they teach the kids these days?

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
[the suspect drives off at high speed] Drive, Jack!

Jack Halford:
This is no job for a man on beta-blockers.

[first lines]

Steve McAndrew:
Remind me why we're doing this.

Ted Case:
Basic fitness level requirements for all serving officers...

Danny Griffin:
Yes, but there should be an exemption for those of us above average IQ.

Ted Case:
Yeah, well, why not just pick up the pace?

Steve McAndrew:
Yeah, who appointed you Mr Motivator?

Ted Case:
Well, what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger. Superintendent Nietzsche.

Fiona Kennedy:
You know this is going to keep happening. Things about me you don't know. Like the sex change.

Danny Griffin:
Yeah, but you can barely tell. Apart from the prominent Adam's apple; I'm surprised you didn't get that fixed.

[last lines]

DCI Sasha Miller:
Thank you.

Ted Case:
What for?

DCI Sasha Miller:
For sharing your life with us.

Ted Case:
Well, you were right, you know; families need to stick together, even dysfunctional ones.

DCI Sasha Miller:
So, how did you two meet?

Ted Case:
Look, if we're going to do this we're gonna have to have some ground rules, all right? Number one, I'd rather take another bullet than do the gay best friend thing, and number two, I have no special insight into the human condition, and number three, more important than all of them, I do not understand men.

DCI Sasha Miller:
No, neither do I.

Ted Case:
Believe me, no-one does, even Ars?ne Wenger.

DCI Sasha Miller:
I'll drink to that, [they click glasses] whoever Ars?ne Wenger.is.

[first lines]

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
So this is where Annabel drowned. December 2008, this lake was covered in two inches of ice, so she must have fallen through it.

Gerry Standing:
How deep is it?

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
Oh, it's only six foot, but the cold and the shock mean she wouldn't have lasted more than a minute. Three days later, on Christmas Day, there was a thaw, and a jogger spotted her body in the water.

Brian Lane:
Jogging on Christmas Day? Who was he, Billy No-Mates?

Peter Hammond:
Let me quash rumours I am secretly plotting some new career in finance. My good friend, city friend, Kingsley here will vouch for my credentials. I once told him there are three kinds of economists: those with great maths and those with terrible maths.

[last lines]

D.A.C. Robert Strickland:
If I may, I'd like to buy you all a drink.

Brian Lane:
Oh, thanks very much.

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
Sandra?

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
Yeah, okay,

Gerry Standing:
Ah, already booked, I'm afraid.

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
Okay, see you tomorrow.

Gerry Standing:
Ta-da. [Strickland and Sandra leave]

Brian Lane:
Who? Vera?

Gerry Standing:
Danny!

Brian Lane:
Oh, your cousin.

Gerry Standing:
Yeah. I skyped him.

Brian Lane:
All the... [gestures to indicate signing]

Gerry Standing:
Yeah, I mean the picture quality wasn't very good, but no, we got on like a house on fire. [picks up large model plane box] Bought him a present.

Brian Lane:
Thought you said he was into trains.

Gerry Standing:
No, no, he's into *planes* now. Least I bloody hope that's what he said.

[Sandra notices a book on Gerry's desk]

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
What's that? 'Basic Guide to Sign Language'.

Brian Lane:
Oh, he fancies a bit of interpreting.

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
Really?

[Gerry just shrugs]

Brian Lane:
Well, he fancies a bit of something.

[first lines]

Gerry Standing:
Sorry, guv'nor; traffic's a nightmare.

Danny Griffin:
We managed.

DCI Sasha Miller:
What time did you get in?

Gerry Standing:
Eh?

DCI Sasha Miller:
Last night, what time?

Gerry Standing:
I don't know; one...

Steve McAndrew:
Two, or...

Danny Griffin:
According to the map, this sand pit was on the site of an ancient Roman camp; Julius Caesar's supposedly. He crossed the Thames at Brentford.

Gerry Standing:
Some people'll do anything not to live in South London.

DCI Sasha Miller:
You worked for the drug squad; you never told her that,

Julia Kane:
No. Well, I was undercover; clue's in the title, isn't it?

Gerry Standing:
Told you. Mad as a box of frogs.

DCI Sasha Miller:
[on phone] Well, I thought that UCOS still had a short list.

DCI Sasha Miller:
Oh, right; I see.

DCI Sasha Miller:
Me!

DCI Sasha Miller:
Are you sure?

DCI Sasha Miller:
No, I'm excited about the prospect, sir.

DCI Sasha Miller:
Yeah.

DCI Sasha Miller:
OK.

DCI Sasha Miller:
All right, thank you. Thanks, sir. Bye-bye.

DCI Sasha Miller:
[disconnects] Sh*t.

Gerry Standing:
Anyway, what are you doing here?

DCI Sasha Miller:
My job. What's your excuse?

Steve McAndrew:
Well, it's a full moon.

DCI Sasha Miller:
Oh, don't tell me you're werewolves.

DCI Sasha Miller:
So you decided not to stay. For the last day, sir.

DAC Robert Strickland:
What?

DCI Sasha Miller:
The ACTPO conference?

DAC Robert Strickland:
Oh. No, no, hardly anybody did. Two nights in Birmingham? God forbid.

[last lines]

DCI Sasha Miller:
[catching Ned in bed with another woman] Darling.

Ned Hancock:
Sasha.

DCI Sasha Miller:
You're not wearing your uniform. [long pause] I can see you're busy. I'll see myself out.

Ned Hancock:
Socl... Oh, sh*t.

Gerry Standing:
[about Strickland] What did he say?

Steve McAndrew:
What did you say?

DCI Sasha Miller:
I said I just let you get on with it and he said well done. And that he *admired* you.

Steve McAndrew:
Bloody liar.

DCI Sasha Miller:
He's a D.A.C.

[first lines]

D.A.C. Robert Strickland:
You've, um, you've met Olivia before?

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
Yeah yeah, we've worked together a few times, actually.

[last lines]

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
Bye, Mum. Safe journey.

Grace Pullman:
Sandra, you know where I am if you need me. But don't leave it too late, darling.

D.A.C. Robert Strickland:
Every family has its secrets.

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
That's true, but not all of them have a suspicious, unexplained death to show for them!

Don Maddox:
Max Stone was belly-up, with a pair of scissors sticking out of his chest. Gloria couldn't have done that.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Really?

Don Maddox:
She only stabs in the back.

[first lines]

D.A.C. Strickland:
This clip was posted on the internet a week ago. It was brought to my attention by Lord Gransford of the Home Office.

Jack Halford:
Good to know *he's* not overworked.

D.A.C. Strickland:
It was actually spotted by his wife. She used to be a film actress; Gloria Wakefield. She was involved in this production.

Gerry Standing:
[reading] "Don Maddox' current project is intended to have a retro, noirish quality taking us back to the cinematic ambience of the 1940s."

Jack Halford:
God help us.

D.A.C. Strickland:
When I saw the word 'retro' I thought of UCOS.

Gerry Standing:
A black-and-white film about films? Now that's a real J. Arthur Rank.

Lotte Davenport:
[interrupting interview] Mr Maddox.

Don Maddox:
Sorry, dear, I'm in police custody.

Lotte Davenport:
We don't seem to have any response from you about settling your accounts.

Don Maddox:
I don't deal with the small change, sweetheart. Talk to my people. Or you can write to me care of Strangeways.

Brian Lane:
My money's on Broadmoor, actually.

[last lines]

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
I had Don Maddox down as a total sh*t. What he did was... well, romantic really.

Gerry Standing:
There's no law that says a total sh*t can't be romantic.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Is that right, Gerry?

Don Maddox:
It's like deja vu all over again'

Brian Lane:
Sam Goldwyn.

Don Maddox:
Very good, Brian. You really are a world class anorak, aren't you?

[first lines]

Ricky Hanson:
Say hello to the wife, Jack.

Brian Lane:
So this is what money buys you in W10.

Gerry Standing:
Notting Hill? No, thanks. Some kippers and curtains.

Brian Lane:
Eh?

Gerry Standing:
Fur coat and no knickers.

Piers Wheeler:
Unbelievable. Ralph spends half his life helping victims of crime, and ends up leaving a fortune to a woman they'll have to bury in a Y-shaped coffin.

Gerry Standing:
Why don't you just shut up and give your arse a rest?

[last lines]

Det Supt Sandra Pullman:
[about Jack Halford] He's done his paperwork and paid his bills.

Brian Lane:
Immaculate. Like someone who... You don't think he...

Det Supt Sandra Pullman:
No, no, there's stuff missing from the hall cupboard - wet weather gear, boots.

Esther Lane:
I don't know where he's gone. But I do know he's coming back. Look.

[they look out the window]

Esther Lane:
Mary. He'd never leave her. He'd have her moved, or take her with him. No, he's coming back.

Gerry Standing:
Listen to this. [reading a memo] "All the constituents of UCOS over the age of fifty are requested to undergo routine physical and psychological evaluation on the fifteenth of the month to ensure compliance and capability to operate within the parameters of their defining role." [passes memo to Brian] They're taking the piss!

PC Clark:
Not yet, but they certainly will be. Three hundred millilitres minimum.

Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
[Pullman has caught PC Clarke acting as Tea Boy] Hang on! I thought we had an understanding not using Clarke as a tea boy.

Jack Halford:
It was just a one-off.

Brian Lane:
[Brian enters] Well, you wouldn't make it a two-off, would you, son? I'm parched.

Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
All right, make it a three-off. Coffee, please.

[Gerry walks in, and spots the tray Clark is holding]

Gerry Standing:
Whoa! Chocolate biscuits! Here, get us a cup of tea, son.

[first lines]

Christopher Wells:
I'm sensing a person go over in tragic circumstances.

Jack Halford:
Is it Mary?

Christopher Wells:
Is your name Mary? No, it's not Mary; it's a girl.

Jack Halford:
A girl?

Christopher Wells:
The girl's... a young woman. She's standing behind you.

Sandra Pullman:
So, this, um... this physical and psychological evaluation my boys are undertaking the day after tomorrow?

Donald Bevan:
Yeah, what about it?

Sandra Pullman:
Well, they suspect that it might be someone trying to rip the guts out of UCOS, perhaps even close it down completely.

Donald Bevan:
Ah, your clear-up rate is embarrassing some people, Sandra. Your success now questions their competence then. I mean, you only want to review some of the cases you've cracked. You've put special branch's nose out of joint by revealing they had a mole inside New Labour; you've exposed police racism; very nearly destroyed a prestigious golf club, ruining the reputation of a war hero into the bargain. Some establishment toes are feeling distinctly stepped upon.

Sandra Pullman:
Not my problem.

Donald Bevan:
You never were very good at the politics, Sandra.

Sandra Pullman:
With all due respect, sir, that's like criticizing someone for not being a very good arsehole.

[last lines]

[about the possibility of Sandra taking a promotion]

Gerry Standing:
She wouldn't, would she? I mean, what's SO-10 got that UCOS hasn't?

Brian Lane:
Well, not us for a start.

Gerry Standing:
[long pause] Nah, she wouldn't.

PC Clark:
I've called maintenance three times. They just say they're looking into it.

Brian Lane:
No, *I'm* looking into it, Clarke. All they're doing is looking into looking into it.

Asst. Commissioner Bob Mullen:
SO-10 is a completely different world than UCOS. All the villains are still out there just waiting to be caught.

Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
Including Martin Lombard. If you're right.

Asst. Commissioner Bob Mullen:
If we couldn't break him back then with a crack squad, I fail to see how you will now with Dad's Army.

Brian Lane:
Dodgy case. Jostered evidence. Quiet words from on high. Surprise evaluations. Broken air conditioning, making the office an impossible place to work. If this isn't a conspiracy to close us once and for all, JFK was killed in the conservatory by Colonel Mustard with a length of bloody lead pipe.

[first lines]

Gerry Standing:
We're going to be about as popular as a fart in a spacesuit.

Danny Griffin:
Can we go home now?

DCI Sasha Miller:
Yep. You might just enjoy yourselves.

Bouncer:
Awright, you can come in, but you lot... no way. Strip club's 'round the corner.

DCI Sasha Miller:
[showing warrant card] Yep, they're with me.

Gerry Standing:
And we're on business!

Danny Griffin:
So all we've got is the E-FIT?

DCI Sasha Miller:
Yes, Danny, the E-FIt is all we've got. But we like a challenge. Don't we?

[Steve is texting while they walk]

Gerry Standing:
We're trolling down here on a totally pointless... Are you listening to any of this?

Steve McAndrew:
Yean, I'm doing it.

Gerry Standing:
Can you give us five grand and pay me bar bill for a year?

Steve McAndrew:
Of course; no problem, yeah, yeah.

Danny Griffin:
You're not funny, you know. Even for a Scot.

Steve McAndrew:
Well, who pissed in your handbag today?

Gerry Standing:
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

[Sasha takes her first sip of tea in several days, and sighs with enjoyment]

Gerry Standing:
If I'd known it was that easy to make a woman moan, I would have called myself Earl Grey.

[last lines]

Danny Griffin:
What's a pedi-bus?

DCI Sasha Miller:
[very softly] Yes!

Danny Griffin:
What do you think? Toni with an 'i' - is that a man or a woman?

Steve McAndrew:
Well, it could be a girl called 'Toni.' I had an Uncle Marion.

Danny Griffin:
Uncle Marion?

Steve McAndrew:
What's wrong with that? John Wayne's real name was 'Marion.' He was called 'Marion Morrison.'

Danny Griffin:
Not to his face, he wasn't. And he changed it. Next thing you'll be telling me is Harrison Ford's real name is 'Debbie.'

Steve McAndrew:
Funnily enough...

[first lines]

Steve McAndrew:
[struggling to open package] Acting head; what is he, a temp?

Danny Griffin:
Uh, until Sasha's back on her feet.

Steve McAndrew:
Ted Case: wasn't he the DCI that...

Danny Griffin:
that came good for Gerry, yeah.

Steve McAndrew:
Yeah. I don't see why we can't keep things ticking over; I mean we're the ones with the expertise. What the hell do they make Sellotape out of over there?

Danny Griffin:
Scotch.

Steve McAndrew:
What?

Danny Griffin:
in the U.S. it's called Scotch tape. And Gerry ought to be careful; he's supposed to be dead, not sending us Jiffy bags.

Steve McAndrew:
It's a CD, uh, with a note. "Things are a bit tough at the moment. The CD'll explain."

Danny Griffin:
OK.

Steve McAndrew:
Gerry sounds a bit down, eh.

Danny Griffin:
We meet again. Dan Griffin.

Steve McAndrew:
Steve McAndrew.

DAC Robert Strickland:
Ed Case.

Steve McAndrew:
Ed Case?

Ted Case:
Uh, I prefer Ted.

Fiona Kennedy:
[about her dress] Do you really like this?

Danny Griffin:
Oh, yes.

Fiona Kennedy:
Can I ask you one more favour? Will you come back here later... and take it off?

Steve McAndrew:
If it was him who beat up Matt, we really could be getting somewhere.

Ted Case:
Yop. [slaps his own face] Please don't say that about a case.

Steve McAndrew:
What?

Ted Case:
What you just said.

Steve McAndrew:
What, that we might be getting somewhere.

Ted Case:
Op. [slaps his own face again] Look, it's really, really unlucky in my opinion.

[last lines]

Danny Griffin:
Oops.

Gerry Standing:
Chess is all about an inner eye for geometric relationships. Plus, of course, a capacity for deductive logic.

Steve McAndrew:
Why are we wasting our time on this again?

Gerry Standing:
Look. If A implies B and B implies C, then A implies C. D'you understand?

Steve McAndrew:
I do. If you keep talking bollocks and I keep listening to your bollocks, then you'll keep talking bollocks.

[Gerry is getting obsessed with chess, after investigating a murder victim who was a keen chess-player]

Gerry Standing:
It gets under your skin. When I finally *did* close my eyes last night, all I could see were bishops and rooks.

Steve McAndrew:
Makes a change from tarts and vicars, eh?

Gerry Standing:
[about Steve's moodiness] I'll find out what's wrong with him.

DCI Sasha Miller:
No, no, no. You're nobody's idea of the Peace Corps; let him sort it out himself.

Gerry Standing:
[about Steve] He's been like this for days. Doesn't bring anything to the party, and then pisses on everybody's chips.

[last lines]

Danny Griffin:
[about chess] Did you know there are three hundred and eighteen *billion* possible positions after our first four moves each?

Gerry Standing:
Don't try and blind me with science. It's a simple game.

Danny Griffin:
And that the number of distinct forty-move games is greater than the number of electrons in the observable universe.

Gerry Standing:
Just make *one* move, will you!

Danny Griffin:
Yes, of course, right. [moves his queen] Checkmate.

Zoe Baines:
[about interpreting] Diplomatic conferences are the worst. When someone says 'With all due respect', an Englishman knows he's about to be rude, but it's quite difficult to put into translation.

Steve McAndrew:
Think of us as a new pair of eyes.

Viktor Proust:
If facts are same, only people analysing are different. You are better than first police?

Gerry Standing:
Spot on. We are the super-sleuths of Scotland Yard.

Viktor Proust:
I don't think so.

[first lines]

Danny Griffin:
Colour coordinated. Impressive.

Steve McAndrew:
I learn from the best, Danny.

Danny Griffin:
Have you incorporated a forecast for unforeseeable expenditure?

Steve McAndrew:
If you mean will I have any cash left after paying off my bills today, the answer's no.

Danny Griffin:
And how much have you allocated to live on?

Steve McAndrew:
Well, let's put it this way: I'll be bringing in a pack lunch for the next year.

Danny Griffin:
Hmh. Oh! [rubs his neck]

Steve McAndrew:
What?

Danny Griffin:
I left my memory-foam pillow at Fiona's place, you know. Stiff as a board this morning.

Steve McAndrew:
The joys of living in two different places. You know I let a girlfriend have a drawer at my place once. Within a week she'd moved in, cushions, soft toilet paper, and one of those air fresheners that squirts at you every time you walk past them.

Danny Griffin:
I take it you broke up.

Steve McAndrew:
Eh, yeah. Kept the air freshener, though. They're actually very nice.They're rich in pine, I think.

[last lines]

Danny Griffin:
[sitting at a bus stop] Can't believe you just did that.

Steve McAndrew:
It's for the best.

Danny Griffin:
Oh yes, this is much better than driving. [long pause] Even so, Steve, selling your car; it's a bit extreme.

Steve McAndrew:
I made a promise to my boy. Now he can get a set of wheels and I can sleep at night. I mean, enough's enough, Danny. I-i-it's time I bloody well grew up, a-an-and I'm selling the flat as well.

Danny Griffin:
You know, change can be a good thing. The future is a curious creature.

Steve McAndrew:
Now don't go all optimistic on me. There's just so much a poor Scotsman can handle in one day...

Frank Patterson:
[At the grave of a potential witness who has been dead for years] The "softly, softly" approach really paid dividends, didn't it? Did old Tony give up anybody else? The Kray twins? Lord Lucan?

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
Oh, shut up!

[first lines]

Jack Halford:
[Brian is listening at the keyhole to Sandra's office] Morning, Brian.

Brian Lane:
[startled] Aaagh. Knock it off, Jack.

Jack Halford:
Bit early to be skulking around, isn't it? Who's in there?

Brian Lane:
Well, that's the point. I don't know. I got here ten minutes ago and it was already sealed to the outside world.

Jack Halford:
[Leaning in to listen] Well, Sandra certainly.

Brian Lane:
Strickland?

Jack Halford:
Sounds like. There's someone else.

Brian Lane:
Yeah, who is that?

Gerry Standing:
Morning.

Brian Lane:
[Startled. Falls over] Aaagh. Ohhhh.

D.A.C. Strickland:
[Opening the door] Brian, are you all right? What's happened? Does he need a doctor?

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
He's fine, just nosey.

Gerry Standing:
[Helping Brian to his feet] What's going on in there?

Frank Patterson:
[appearing around the doorframe] Nurse, they're out of their beds again.

Brian Lane:
Oh bloody hell. [Falls down again] Ow. Ohhh.

[first lines]

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Nine-o-two p.m. seventh of February 2004. This is the seven p.m. train from Charing Cross to Dover and it's two hours into its journey.

Brian Lane:
Two hours? Shouldn't they be in Dover by now?

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Yeah, it should be, but a couple of miles out of the station someone pulled the emergency handle. Now watch this.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
[showing train security video] Four seconds. It takes four seconds to go through that first door, along the short connecting corridor and then into the buffet-car. Four seconds. This guy here is Doctor Philip Mackenna; he's a physics professor at University College London. He was due to catch the ferry from Dover to Calais and then another train to Paris, where he was going to speak at a conference on theoretical physics the following evening. Now keep watching. He talks to the blind man; then he gets up, and he heads to the buffet-car. Four seconds. [long pause] Doesn't matter how long you wait. Philip Mackenna never comes through that door and he hasn't been seen since.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
This Brian Lane.

D.I. Thomas Doyle:
Memory Lane; pleased to meet you.

Martin Fallon:
All this is down to you. If you hadn't put in a good word for me in court...

Jack Halford:
You were never malicious, Martin. Just stupid.

Martin Fallon:
That's very kind of you to say so.

D.A.C. Strickland:
So what was the point of all this?

Stephen Fisher:
This is the intelligence community, Robert. You start worrying about the point of it all, you'll end up tying yourself in all sorts of knots.

[last lines]

Brian Lane:
Well, as Gerry says, good luck tracking down Alice Fox.

Gerry Standing:
On the other hand, she might be hiding in the pub!

D.A.C. Strickland:
Oh. I'll get the first round in.

Brian Lane:
Bloody hell!

D.A.C. Strickland:
Yeah, well, don't get used to it.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Don't think there's any danger of that, sir.

Gerry Standing:
[to Rick Roddy] Listen, dude, I've got a bad headache, and your sound system's not helping it. So! [grabs Rick by the genitals] I know that your brain's fried with the speed, but I'm telling you it's in a lot better shape than your balls are going to be unless you give us a straight answer. You got me, man?

[last lines]

Steve McAndrew:
See you around.

Gerry Standing:
Ta-da.

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
Steve!

Steve McAndrew:
Yeah?

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
How long is it exactly since you retired?

Steve McAndrew:
Five years; why?

[first lines]

Gerry Standing:
Why has Strickland called us in so bleedin' early?

Brian Lane:
I know. Esther didn't even have time to do me a proper breakfast.

Gerry Standing:
You don't think he's leaving as well, do you?

Brian Lane:
I reckon he's found somebody; somebody to replace Jack. Yeah, I knew it. They've got some nobody that we've never heard of and they're just going to parachute him in. Or her.

[first lines]

Gerry Standing:
What're we doing here?

Emily Driscoll:
It's a surprise. Come on.

Gerry Standing:
Oh, all right. [to doorman] Hiya.

Emily Driscoll:
So, what do you think?

Gerry Standing:
It's great.

Emily Driscoll:
Ah, there they are.

Gerry Standing:
You didn't drag them here as well!

Emily Driscoll:
Of course! It is your birthday.

D.C.S. Frank Paterson:
Detective Superintendent Pullman, from the clean-up squad.

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
We prefer UCOS.

D.C.S. Frank Paterson:
Course you do, sweetheart. No Gerry? How is the old sod?

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman:
I doubt he's changed much since you knew him, sir, but he did learn the hard way not to call me sweetheart.

[last lines]

Jack Halford:
We did it, love. We got him!

Brian Lane:
[entering Hanson's estate] In a lifetime of bad ideas, this has got to be your very worst. We shouldn't be here.

Gerry Standing:
You think being in his garden is as bad as it's going to get? Let's have a drink.

Brian Lane:
Listen, if we go in there now, we're the ones breaking the law. The days of swanning into villains' houses and fronting it out are over, Gerry.

Gerry Standing:
Yeah, you're right. I feel thirty years younger. Come on.

[first lines]

Brian Lane:
I think I'll be all right with this, you know. If this is the way it has to be... well, I'll be able so see a bit more of Mark, and the baby of course. [to the dog] Go on, into your basket. When he or she comes along. I'll be able to hold my head up high knowing I've done the right thing, like what's-his-name... Serpico.

Steve McAndrew:
When you came round, you were mumbling about some book.

Brian Lane:
I don't remember.

Gerry Standing:
That'd be a first.

Gerry Standing:
Why does love make such a mug of some people?

Steve McAndrew:
And how many times you been married?

[last lines]

Brian Lane:
What's all this?

Esther Lane:
It's that jogger that got attacked in the park the other week.

Brian Lane:
What about her? I thought they caught the bloke.

Esther Lane:
Well, they got a man that answered the description, but I've found several other similar attacks online. There's lots in common but it can't be the man they've got because he's left-handed.

Brian Lane:
Esther, what are you doing?

Esther Lane:
It's just interesting.

Brian Lane:
It's none of our business. And I'm retired now. For the second time.

Esther Lane:
You might be. But I'm not.

[first lines]

DAC Robert Strickland:
Got a minute?

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
Yes.

DAC Robert Strickland:
Something interesting. [hands her a file] Leslie Hewitt, a nineteen year old student at the Royal Academy of Music; she played the violin. September the seventh 1996 Leslie left college at three o'clock in the afternoon to head back to the flat she shared in Camden. She was last seen walking into a park.

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
No body?

DAC Robert Strickland:
No, no body, no witnesses. Vanished into thin air.

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
And now?

DAC Robert Strickland:
And now... uh, this. [hands her a bagged photo]

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
This is her, is it?

DAC Robert Strickland:
Leslie Hewitt's sister, Emma, her only surviving family member, found the picture loose inside a book, in the charity shop where she works. We don't know who the photographer was. The photo's been scanned and cleaned up as much as possible. If we can identify any of the people in the picture, they could prove to be valuable witnesses.

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
The jogger.

DAC Robert Strickland:
Yes, I saw him. It's a park; it could just be a man jog...

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
A nineteen year old music student - she fits the victim profile.

DAC Robert Strickland:
There is no victim profile.

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
No, not officially, because I wasn't allowed to pursue it!

DAC Robert Strickland:
And this is not a green light to pursue it now! There's no way that figure's clear enough to identify, anyway.

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
This guy could have seen him! Or he could just be a jogger. I'll put it on the board.

Gerry Standing:
Guv'nor, can I just point out something?

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
What?

Gerry Standing:
This isn't our case anymore. Strickland told us to clear the board.

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
You never disobeyed an order?

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
What are you saying, Max?

Max Clement:
This was going to be your last case.

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
No, I didn't say that; you said that.

Max Clement:
Well, if you want to stay...

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
I've been at UCOS for ten years.

Max Clement:
It's a long time.

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
It's valuable work.

Max Clement:
Yes, it is.

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
With a *great* team.

Max Clement:
Absolutely, and you built it from the ground up. It was supposed to be a rubbish job. Shepherding a bunch of miscreant pensioners through some old case files, just so the Met could say they were doing *something* about cold cases, but you picked the right people. You gave them a good leadership. Which is why I think you should come and work on *my* team.

Gerry Standing:
Hold on, hold on; this isn't even our case anymore.

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
Shut up and get your coat!

[last lines]

Gerry Standing:
Sandra, I hate to say this... but you're right to go.

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
Really?

Gerry Standing:
Yeah, yeah. God knows I'll miss you. No, we all will. But, uh, these past few years, well, I finally felt that I've achieved something. And it's all down to you.

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
Hardly.

Gerry Standing:
Oh, yes it is. When you've treated us better than any boss could... And quite often we didn't deserve it.

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
That's certainly true.

Gerry Standing:
But you don't belong here any more. Naw, you belong out there where there's more exciting stuff to be done. And we're all big enough and ugly enough to cope.

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
I should certainly hope so. I'll miss it. I'll miss you.

Gerry Standing:
Yeah, well, just one thing: when you walk out of here, just don't look back.

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
I'll try not to.

Gerry Standing:
[brightly] Ready for the pub? I'll get 'em in. Your usual gallon of dry white? [he exits her office] Here, come, she's going to meet us there.

Jack Halford:
You going to sit there moping all day? Are you coming for a drink?

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
I'll be right there, Jack.

Danny Griffin:
Is this the one that got away?

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
Well, I don't lie awake at night thinking about it, if that's what you mean. I believed there was a correction, and I still do. But you have to remember that at the time no-one was listening to me because I was too junior.

Steve McAndrew:
Or maybe because you were a woman.

DAC Robert Strickland:
In fairness, Steve, she couldn't prove anything. [sees Sandra's look at him] Although the other thing might be true too.

DCI Sasha Miller:
You divorced, didn't you? A year after Amy was murdered.

William Taskerland:
Strain. You couldn't understand.

DCI Sasha Miller:
We both have daughters of our own.

Danny Griffin:
They're written in a language that no-one will ever understand.

Danny Griffin:
Would it surprise you to learn that I have helped fifteen relationships and that I have saved seven point five marriages? I've got a counselling diploma.

DCI Sasha Miller:
How do you save point five of a marriage?

Danny Griffin:
One person thought it was still a good idea.

Nicholas Hines:
[being interrogated] This is highly unethical.

DCI Sasha Miller:
Moderately maybe; we could push it up to highly though, couldn't we?

Danny Griffin:
If we had to.

William Taskerland:
[about WW III] Do you know what Einstein said about it? He didn't know how they'd fight World War Three, but he knew how they'd fight World War Four.

Danny Griffin:
With sticks and stones.

[last lines]

Ethan Beckett:
Yeah... Wai... Huh... What you...?

DCI Sasha Miller:
So this is you buffering.

[first lines]

DCI Sasha Miller:
And what's that one?

Ethan Beckett:
C'mon. That's a warrior. A warrior. Orion.He's really got a sword in his right hand. And those t.hree stars...

Ethan Beckett:
What, are supposed to be his belt?

Ethan Beckett:
Well, supposed

DCI Sasha Miller:
Yeah, and you put two fish in Pisces.

Ethan Beckett:
One!

DCI Sasha Miller:
Two! Look!

Ethan Beckett:
Oh. I don't want to. I haven't got my glasses.

DCI Sasha Miller:
[they both laugh, then she hands his glasses to him] Look.

Ethan Beckett:
Aa-ah. Well, that was supposed to be Aquarius anyway.

[first lines]

Brian Lane:
[staring at a glass of beer] When you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks into you.

Esther Lane:
What do you need? To make things right? Tell me.

Brian Lane:
It's just me mind's always on, Esther. Always churning, always going. I can't shut it up. I need to have a case or it hurts, it bloody hurts!

Esther Lane:
What happens if they chuck you out in three days time and there aren't any more cases?

Brian Lane:
Well, I can't do ordinary life; it's not enough.

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
Don't be stupid, Brian.

Brian Lane:
Stupid? Yeah, that's exactly what I am. He's got the platinum pension, the kids who love him, a-and a reputation that's so shiny you can see your face in it. What have I got? Arthritis. A son who wishes I didn't exist. And a name that'll never be clear.

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
You've got UCOS; you've got Esther. And you've got us, and not one of those things has ever let you down.

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman:
The son of a highly decorated Second World War veteran, Sir Charles Highsmith.

Steve McAndrew:
Looks like the apple fell far from the tree, eh.

Gerry Standing:
Then it rolled down the hill, stopping off at all the bars, brothels and casinos.

[Brian and Gerry are trapped in a shipping container that is being transported across Europe]

Brian Lane:
The only way out is when that door opens. From the outside. And depending on how far we're going, that might be days.

Gerry Standing:
Well there's only one question left, then, isn't there. Am I going to eat you or are you going to eat me?

[first lines]

Supt Raphael Cruz:
There hasn't been a murder on The Rock in seven years, and within twelve hours of you showing up we're pulling a body out of the water.

Steve McAndrew:
They think we've broken your winning streak, huh?

Gerry Standing:
[Brian snuggles up against Gerry] Wey, hey, hey, behave yourself!

Brian Lane:
No, look, Gerry, we have to share our body warmth or we might bloody freeze to death in here.

Gerry Standing:
Yeah, alright. But no forking.

Brian Lane:
You mean 'spooning'.

Gerry Standing:
That and all.

Brian Lane:
What's 'forking', anyway?

Gerry Standing:
Go to sleep, Brian.

[last lines]

[Sarah Kaye plays the cassette Brian left]

Brian Lane:
Somebody loved him.

Bill Embleton:
Not enough.

Brian Lane:
You let Anthony Kaye die!

Bill Embleton:
He was a scumbag, a wretched little bastard whose entire life was already mapped out for him. I didn't let him die; none of us did. We just didn't waste any time or energy caring either way.

Gerry Standing:
Any word back from London about those records? It'd be handy to know who was here in '82.

Cmdr Adam Sinclair:
No, I'm afraid not. They can be somewhat, um... cumbersome when it things like that, even for esteemed police colleagues.

Gerry Standing:
Well, maybe we'll call them ourselves, eh. Directly.

Cmdr Adam Sinclair:
That would be highly discourteous of you.

Brian Lane:
This wasn't just a boy that was murdered, Commander Sinclair. This was a brother, and a son. Courtesy doesn't come into it!

Bill Embleton:
What did you think we were going to to? Take the fall? Stick it all on the drunk. Who could barely stand up, let alone remember who said what.

Brian Lane:
I remember better than you think.

Bill Embleton:
Why are you still buggering on about this? He was a scumbag, wretched little bastard whose entire life was already mapped out for him.

Brian Lane:
Somebody loved him.

Bill Embleton:
Not enough.

Brian Lane:
You let Anthony Kaye die!

Bill Embleton:
I didn't let him die; none of us did. We just didn't waste any time or energy caring either way.

Steve McAndrew:
[first lines] Oh.

Danny Griffin:
Bit jumpy, are we?

Steve McAndrew:
Been freebasing espressos for the last two hours.Took ages to upload these photos. Your home's supposed to be your castle. Mine's turned out to be a financial bloody life-raft.

Danny Griffin:
Your doing the right thing.

Steve McAndrew:
Letting a load of grubby strangers in my flat.

Danny Griffin:
Eyes on the prize. Think about the money.

Steve McAndrew:
Hey! I've got all the money I need. As long as I die by teatime.

Danny Griffin:
[reading the ad] "I'm delighted to welcome travellers to my little part of London."

Steve McAndrew:
People love that bullshit.

Danny Griffin:
"Retired senior public service professional, now turned gentleman of leisure" [Steve chuckles] Why don't you just say you were a copper?

Steve McAndrew:
Cause I don't want my customers to think the drug squad's going to kick down the door every time they light an incense stick. Right. Let's get this party started. Going live. Three. Two. One. Whew. So, what happens now? How long before I get my first booking?

Danny Griffin:
About thirteen minutes twenty-seven seconds.

Steve McAndrew:
Really?

Danny Griffin:
I don't know. Be patient.

Steve McAndrew:
I really need this to work.

Danny Griffin:
Single stab wound. Knife?

DCI Sasha Miller:
Three inch blade. Standard issue in any kitchen or folding pocket set.

Danny Griffin:
Which puts the chances of us tracing it somewhere between zero and bugger-all.

Danny Griffin:
Everybody's getting ruder, you know. I blame diesel fumes.

Steve McAndrew:
According to her, Hooper was as slippery as snot on an iceberg.

Danny Griffin:
I know denial when it walks my way. I used to be an expert practitioner. Had it been an Olympic sport, I'd have been a triple medal winner and a national hero.

DCI Sasha Miller:
How you getting on with Sharp?

Ted Case:
Like digging for treasure with a toothpick; we're never going to find him.

[last lines]

DCI Sasha Miller:
Are those Alison's famous cupcakes?

Ted Case:
They certainly are.

DCI Sasha Miller:
Has anyone told her that we found Jason?

Danny Griffin:
I told her if he ever makes contact she calls us straight away.

DCI Sasha Miller:
They look gorgeous. [she reaches for a cupcake]

Ted Case:
Unh no no. [brushes her hand back] nuh, nuh, nuh, mmm mmm .mmm I've eaten one so, uh, that means I've got to finish the lot.

Steve McAndrew:
Oh, don't tell me; it's another one of your superstitions.

Danny Griffin:
Ted, you can't eat all those; you'll have a heart attack.

Ted Case:
No. I won't. The tests are back; I'm in the clear. So thank you.

DCI Sasha Miller:
What, seriously?

Ted Case:
Yeah, big load off my mind. [Danny reaches for a cupcake] Ah, no no no, you've told me to be happy, so that's what I'm doing. This is me, squeezing the lemon. [pops a whole cupcake in his mouth]

Danny Griffin:
Pat, what a lovely surprise!

[Ted turns to look, and each of the others grabs a cupcake]

[first lines]

Esther Lane:
Just tell me that again, please.

Brian Lane:
I recorded Commander Embleton saying he was responsible for Anthony Kaye's death.

Esther Lane:
And you have since given that recording to Anthony Kaye's mother? I thought we were done with Embleton. I was *there* when you told him he wasn't worthy of your attention.

Brian Lane:
Mrs Kaye deserves to know the truth, Esther.

Esther Lane:
I'm not disputing that. What is she going to do with that recording? She's going to make one *hell* of a noise; I know I would.

Brian Lane:
I need to get to work. I'm late.

Esther Lane:
Yes, since you're just about to lose your job, I should make the most of it.

Brian Lane:
It might not come to that.

Esther Lane:
You know it will. [Brian starts to leave] How long have we got?

Brian Lane:
You make it sound like a death sentence.

Esther Lane:
I'll stand by you, Brian, whatever happens. Don't leave me in the dark again. No more surprises.

[last lines]

DAC Robert Strickland:
Why didn't you investigate this using proper police procedures?

Brian Lane:
And what would have happened? There'd have been a long, drawn-out internal inquiry, and then somebody would have said, "Oh, what's the point? Embleton's retired; let it go." And Mrs Kaye would never have known. But I would-a known. I'd-a had to live with that for the rest of me life. And I've got enough on me plate as it is, thank you very much.

DAC Robert Strickland:
So you intend to stand by your evidence. And give a witness statement about what you heard Commander Embleton say?

Brian Lane:
Yes. that is my intention.

DAC Robert Strickland:
Clear your desk.

Gerry Standing:
Hello, Mike.

DCI Michael Fleming:
Detective Chief Inspector Fleming to you.

Gerry Standing:
Oh, blimey. Well, you know what they say: Those who can do, those who cant,

Gerry Standing, DCI Michael Fleming:
End up running the joint.

[Gerry had a date with Melissa the night before]

Jack Halford:
This poor woman actually agreed to go and have a drink with you?

Gerry Standing:
Agreed? *She* asked *me*.

Brian Lane:
Isn't it a bit dangerous for someone with a severe visual impairment to be riding a bike in London?

Jack Halford:
She could get her white stick caught in the spokes.

[Jack and Brian laugh. Sandra walks into the room]

Det Supt Sandra Pullman:
What's so funny?

Gerry Standing:
Nothing.

Brian Lane:
Gerry's been asked out on a date by a forty-five-year-old.

Det Supt Sandra Pullman:
Woman?

Gerry Standing:
Very funny. She happens to be gorgeous.

Brian Lane:
With a thing for older men.

Jack Halford:
*Much* older.

Det Supt Sandra Pullman:
Maybe she's just looking for a man with wisdom and experience.

Gerry Standing:
Thank you, Sandra.

Det Supt Sandra Pullman:
...And she thinks Gerry might know one.

[Sandra, Jack and Brian laugh uproariously. Gerry walks off in a huff]

[first lines]

Det Supt Sandra Pullman:
I'm sorry, Jack, this case is neither unsolved nor open. Peter Edelmann committed suicide.

Jack Halford:
Derek always thought there was more to it than that.

Det Supt Sandra Pullman:
Yes, a lot more according to his files and none of it remotely plausible.

Jack Halford:
Look, I'd be the first to admit some of Derek's theories were a bit...

Det Supt Sandra Pullman:
I know he was a friend, Jack.

Jack Halford:
This is not about friendship, Sandra; it's about loyalty. A fellow police officer whose name's about to be dragged through the mud...

Det Supt Sandra Pullman:
Jack, if we take this case on, all that happens is that we end up looking every bit as crazy as Derek.

Jack Halford:
Well, where's the harm in looking through the files unofficially? He may have missed something.

Det Supt Sandra Pullman:
Be honest, Jack. If this file landed on your desk and you'd never even heard the name Derek Brook...

Jack Halford:
I know, I know, I'd think he was several sandwiches short of a picnic. But I knew Derek, and he was a good detective, and if he thought that Edelmann's death was suspicious he must have had grounds for it!

Det Supt Sandra Pullman:
[pause] OK then. Put it on the board.

Jack Halford:
Thank you.

Jack Halford:
Look at all this! Flying saucers and aliens! Proof doesn't come into it.

David Beaumont:
Mr Halford, he doesn't believe in the possibility of intelligent life on other planets.

Jack Halford:
Mr Halford is beginning to doubt the possibility of intelligent life on this one!

[last lines]

Gerry Standing:
[pointing at Brian] He thinks it was aliens

Brian Lane:
I'm just saying we've no proof to support one version of events over another. Maybe there are more things in heaven and whatnot...

Jack Halford:
His mechanism's gone.

Gerry Standing:
He should phone home.

Brian Lane:
Yeah, well, you believe what you like. But when whatever it is comes crawling out of them woods bent on world domination, then you'll all be sorry.

Brian Lane:
This is a colleague's reputation on the line!

Gerry Standing:
No, this is a massive forest full of bloody Yanks, that's what it is. Two very good reasons for me to stay here.

Det Supt Sandra Pullman:
Fine. Then whilst we're gone you can plough through Derek Brooker's case files for us.

Gerry Standing:
X-files, more like.

Brian Lane:
The truth is out there, Gerry.

Jack Halford:
Now, of the three patients who were in the clinic with Smith, the drug addict died in 2004, and the compulsive gambler lives in Hong Kong. Apparently, he won the jackpot on a seven-horse accumulator.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
For God's sake don't tell Gerry!

[first lines]

Father Bernard:
I'm Father Bernard. Welcome to Trinity; may your stay here be a peaceful and rewarding one.

Esther Lane:
Brian!

Brian Lane:
It's a monk. You said an addiction clinic, not a ruddy monastery.

Esther Lane:
Brian, if you don't get out of this car and in through that door, you'll never see me again.

Brian Lane:
Oh, bollocks.

Gerry Standing:
The little what?

Jack Halford:
Brothers of Merciful Assistance. [reading from computer screen] The Trinity Clinic. A practical and spiritual answer to the problems of addiction.

Gerry Standing:
God help him!

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
I think that's the general idea.

[last lines]

Gerry Standing:
Come on, get your gear together. Time to get out of here.

Brian Lane:
No. I'm going to stay.

Gerry Standing:
Eh?

Brian Lane:
I'm going to finish the treatment.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman:
Okay.

Brian Lane:
And tell Esther... I want that book back.

[first lines]

Steve McAndrew:
Hi

Harry Reid:
Ah, Steven. Welcome.

Harry Reid:
Glass of champagne?

Steve McAndrew:
No thanks, no. So, L.A. Point.

Harry Reid:
Yes! A.C.'s icon. Ripe for a retrospective. Oh, especially since he pegged out just last year.

Steve McAndrew:
Oh, yeah.