Strongbad_email.exe: Disc Five

Strong Bad:
[email intro; rapping] E-mail theme song! 1-2-3! A da-da-checka e-mail with me, SB, y'all!

Strong Bad:
Oh great! My antidepressants ran out. Nothing quite dulls the pain like several half-full bags of Italian-Herb-Chipotle-Buffalo-Ranch-Guacamole-Thai-Peanut style chippity chunks. Guess I better slink over to Bubs' and get my prescription refilled. Sliiiiiink...

[Bubs is staring at the side of his concession stand when Strong Bad walks up]

Strong Bad:
[at an exaggeratedly slow pace] Bubs! What craziness... is going on... over here?

Bubs:
[also at an exaggeratedly slow pace] Oh! Strong Bad! You startled me. I was just counting the bricks on this side of the building. I'm up to 248.

Strong Bad:
Two hundred and forty-eight. That's just a little less than 250.

Bubs:
Yep. I remember learning that in school.

[Strong Bad has arrived in a vector field and met Vector 3D Strong Bad. Then Stinkoman arrives]

Stinkoman:
Hey, guys! How's challenges?

Vector 3D Strong Bad:
What it is, my doge?

Strong Bad:
Whoa, you two know each other?

Stinkoman:
Oh, totally sure! He's my training simulator. Check it out! [Vector 3D Strong Bad moves about, shooting 3D geometric attacks from his mouth, while Strong Bad and Stinkoman dodge them by jumping about. Then it ends]

Stinkoman:
[to Strong Bad] Nice work, big nose.

Strong Bad:
Big nose?

Stinkoman:
Your nose!

Strong Bad:
[singing] You've got the munch, the crisp and the crunch, living in the gutter with Grandma! When life pulls you in, you go for the win! Y2K turned out all right! SBLOUNSKCHED! You can do it! SBLOUNSKCHED! Crunchy chew it! Who's got the money? You got SBLOUNSKCHED!

Strong Sad:
Look, you can tell me!

Homestar Runner:
[ashamed] I can't!

Strong Sad:
Oh, come on, what is it?

Homestar Runner:
I'm... pregnant!

[suspensful music plays]

Strong Sad:
No. No, you're Homestar. Runner. The *male.*

Homestar Runner:
Oh, phew. Thought I was a pregnant woman for a second there.

Strong Sad:
Yeah. Uh, I think I'd like my money back now.

E-mail:
[with Strong Bad reading it] Have you ever been the narrator for a movie? Grant Gossman from Minnesota.

Strong Bad:
[typing response] No Grossman, I have not. But you know what's way better than narrating movies? Narrating peoples' pathetic everyday lives like they're movie trailers. Ready? Let's try it!

[Strong Bad goes to Strong Sad's room, where Strong Sad is eating a small pie]

Strong Bad:
[dramatically] Meet Strong Sad.

Strong Sad:
What? Who are you talking to?

Strong Bad:
All he ever wanted was to eat his grody ethnic food in peace.

Strong Sad:
Hey man, this is a Rogan Josh pot pie!

Strong Bad:
Until one day, fate threw him a curveball.

[an octopus flies through the air and hits Strong Sad in the face, where it sticks]

Strong Sad:
Ow!

Strong Bad:
[on a logo splash] Lump of Dump Pictures proudly presents: "Whined & Dined". In the game of life, may the best man... whine.

[Strong Bad receives an email on if he and his gang have ever been on a road trip before]

Strong Bad:
[typing response] Oh, yeah! Me and The Cheat, we're roadtripcionados. And one thing I've found, is that every good road trip needs a good inside joke that only the people that went on the road trip will get. And your friends that didn't go on the road trip will want to kill your legs every time you bring it up. These days, I make up the inside joke before I go on the road trip, just in case one doesn't happen. For this road trip, we'll make it... jumbo/LARGE. Get it? jumbo/LARGE? It's like a maxymoron.

[Strong Bad had gotten Pom Pom to take some headshots of him as a model]

Strong Bad:
I can't wait to get those pictures back from the lab. I can totally see some of them being used in one of those glossy fashion magazines. Y'know, the kind that cost nine bucks and are 97% ads. Like maybe in an ad for those fancy leather shoes that you're supposed to wear without socks. WITHOUT SOCKS!

[a tube sock ad also featuring Strong Bad appears on screen]

Strong Bad:
Man! Can you imagine the luxury! Ooh! Or some kinda fancy men's colognac.

[an athletic foot cream ad featuring Strong Bad appears on screen]

Strong Bad:
And I can be laying next to some skinny blonde girl looking totally disinterested. You know like, "Whatever, baby. You can't even approach the flava... of my colognac." No wait! The cover of some steamy romance novel!

[the cover of "Unnatractive Detective Stories! The Case of the Dame with the Hard-to-look-at Teeth," depicting Strong Bad and a hideous woman, appears on screen]

Strong Bad:
And my ripped self would be on top of some cliff or lighthouse clutching a milkmaid in a flowy dress. And she'd be like, "No, Parson Jim, it can never be!" But I'm all like, "Look in your heart, Chezmerelda."

E-mail:
[with Strong Bad reading] Hello Strong Bad, I can't seem to fall asleep latley... [sic]... and I was wondering, you know, if you would tell me a bedtime story. Good Night. Justin Wagley, Keller, TX [Strong Bad reads "Keller, TX" as "Killer taxes"]

Strong Bad:
[typing response] Justin Wagley, huh? Well, this just in, Wagley! I'm not your freakin' babysitter! Or your dad. Or your dadbysitter. But I am The Cheat's dadbysitter and he's been having some problems falling asleep latley... [sic]... too, ever since he watched that shock-you-mentary about gingivitis.

[cut to a frightened The Cheat watching television]

Man on Television:
In the final stages, the gums took on the appearance and taste of chocolate pudding.

The Cheat:
[a worried The Cheat noise as he turns completely pale]

[Coach Z has trapped and bound Bubs, who is disguised as the Thnikkaman, in a locker room]

Coach Z:
And now, Thnikkaman, at long last, the world will discover your secret, sorcret identity, thereby rendering you useless as a Thnikkaman!

Bubs:
I'll render you toothless.

Coach Z:
[swiping his hand toward Bubs' sunglasses] Now gimme them cool shades!

[suspenseful music plays while the scene freezes momentarily, then it resumes with Coach Z missing the glasses and falling on his face]

Bubs:
[walking away] Yeah. Shut up, Coach!

[Bubs walks away while his Thnikkaman singers chime in]

Singers:
You missed unmasking the Thnikkaman! Because you have really bad hand-eye coordination!

Coach Z:
Enough already, I get it! My secret sorcret has been revealed.

[Strong Bad's Internet connection on his computer has been really slow as of late, so he calls his Internet service provider to see what's up. Homestar answers the phone]

Homestar Runner:
[on the phone] Thank you for calling the Internet. May I have your account number or identity theft, please?

Strong Bad:
No, but you can have a heapin' helpin' of my unbridled rage!

Homestar Runner:
[sounding like he is reading from written words] Ma'am, please calm down. Your CD tray is not a cup holder. I cannot help you clear your browser cache. No, I'm not in India.

Strong Bad:
Shut up and listen. My Internet is crawling along like... something... funny... that crawls along.

Homestar Runner:
All right, I can help you with that. Please hold while I transfer you to someone who can help you with that.

Strong Bad:
[incredulously] What!

[Homestar then hums hold music, even singing "It's the hold music," a few times as well while humming]

Homestar Runner:
[talking like a phone] Thank you for holding. Your call is very unportant to us. The next available representative wi...

[He then speaks in his normal voice]

Homestar Runner:
Okay, I'm back. Lemme just verify your address so I can send you my weight in free sign-up CDs.

Strong Bad:
Ugh, enough! I'm marching my pasty white bwathom down there to talk to the man in charge!

[He slams the phone down and leaves]

Homestar Runner:
[still talking on the phone] I'm so glad we could get that resolved. Is there anything else I can...

[Strong Bad was asked via email what would happen if his head and his body were each disconnected from the other]

Strong Bad:
While my head and body are normally the bosomest of buddies, I suppose I could double my productivity if they were separated. Like, I could raise that ruckus I've been planning in two days instead of four! The plausibilities are endless!

Strong Bad:
[checking one last email on the Tandy 400] Green lines. Green, green, lines, it's a Strong Bad Email again.

E-mail:
dearest strong bad do you remember the email you deleted the hardest sincerly...

[sic]

E-mail:
...josh oakland

Strong Bad:
Well, let's just see here. Zero capitalization, misspelling, lack of punctuation... looks like a winner to me! [typing response] Dearest Josho, I have some good news for you! I DO remember the email that I deleted the hardest. And I'm still remembering it right now! Homestar! Little help, please!

[Homestar starts pouring Mountain Dew into one of the Tandy's cracks]

Homestar Runner:
I'm way ahead of ya, SB.

Strong Bad:
Then, we'll just add some of The King of Town's fizzy denture tablets.

The King of Town:
[offscreen] Thems is my after-dinner mints!

[Strong Bad pours the tablets into the crack]

Strong Bad:
And now if you'd please turn in your hymnals, and join me in singing number 119, a-deleted.

[Strong Bad strikes a key, causing the word "DELETED!" to appear on the computer screen in a Gothic font]

Strong Bad, Homestar Runner:
[singing in unison] Deleted!

[Strong Bad then impales the keyboard with a pick-axe and the Tandy 400 explodes into green square pixels, creating a bad graphics mushroom cloud]

Strong Bad:
Good-bye, old girl. They'll always say you went out in a blaze of green rectangular glory.

Strong Bad:
[to Homestar at an exaggeratively slow pace] What are you... um... doing?

Homestar Runner:
[also at an exaggeratively slow pace] I'm practicing... closing... my eyes. I'm not very... good... at it... though.

Strong Bad:
I see.

Homestar Runner:
More like... *I* see.

[Homestar strains to close his eyes until they're completely closed]

Homestar Runner:
Ooh, there we go! Now I see what all the fuss is about.

[his eyes pop open again]

Homestar Runner:
Oops, I lost it.

[Strong Bad has been asked via email if he has a secret identity]

Strong Bad:
[typing response] I believe your question was about my secret identity. Well, let me ask you this: have you ever seen The Poopsmith and I in the same place at the same time? Dun dun DUUUNH! That's right! It is I who dons the crappy orange gloves and shovels...

[the Poopsmith appears behind Strong Bad and pokes him with his shovel to get his attention. Strong Bad turns and sees him]

Strong Bad:
What the...? What are you doing here? You ruined my scam, man! I was gonna have all of everyone believing that I was you and that the steaming pile of whatsit was really a smoldering pile of money covered in whatsit. How'd you get in here anyways?

Homestar Runner:
[walking in] I let him in.

[He gives the Poopsmith a burger]

Homestar Runner:
Here you go.

[to Strong Bad]

Homestar Runner:
Oh, and you're out of mayo.

Strong Bad:
Is there like a sign on my door that says, "Wanted: Everyone I hate. Inquire within"?

The King of Town:
[coming in] I didn't see one.

[Strong Bad continues to narrate peoples' lives like movie trailers. He heads over to Bubs' Concession Stand where he sees Bubs talking to Coach Z. Dramatic music plays throughout the scene]

Strong Bad:
[dramatically] In a post-apocalyptic world where weird old men survive on boring conversations...

Bubs:
[to Coach Z] I suppose we could talk about my napkin friend for another couple hours. [He holds up a napkin]

Strong Bad:
...a line will be drawn.

Coach Z:
[to Bubs] YOUR napkin? Well, it's got my snot balls on it.

Strong Bad:
A hero will rise.

Bubs:
[to Coach Z] Man, you don't even have a nose!

Strong Bad:
And an empire will fall.

[Bubs closes the metal gate of his stand. The gate has the words "4actor Z" written on it in graffiti]

Strong Bad:
"Factor Z"!

[Strong Sad walks up to Strong Bad, holding a bunch of mail, including a magazine]

Strong Sad:
Hey, Strong Bad, I was just looking through today's mail, and guess who made the cover of Husky Headed Boys Back 2 School Catalog.

Strong Bad:
WHAT? Back-to-school already? It's not even July. So, who's on the cover?

Strong Sad:
Uh, you are.

Strong Bad:
What? I ain't got no husky head.

Strong Sad:
Well, it's about the same size as my husky body. Oh, and this check...

[He holds out a check]

Strong Sad:
...from Husky Headed Boys Catalog came...

Strong Bad:
[grabbing the check] Whoa-ho! My husky head commands a pretty penny. This'll bring home a few months' worth of bacon. I bet your husky body's not worth 108 dollars.

Strong Sad:
No, but poachers have offered several thousand for my feet.

[Homestar Runner walks in, holding another magazine]

Homestar Runner:
Hey, guys, guess who made this week's cover of Stupid Coincidence Magazine!

[both Homsar and The King of Town are hanging from a pair of ropes tied to the top of a cliff]

Homsar:
This party is top dollar!

Strong Bad:
[walking in] Alright, cliffhangers, prepare to be resolved!

[He takes out a knife and uses it to cut the ropes, causing Homsar and the King of Town to fall]

Strong Bad:
Oh, and I brought you some snacks.

[He tosses some full paper bags off the cliff]

The King of Town:
[voice echoing] You're a good friend, Strong Bad!

[the Cheat has just made Strong Bad a new No Loafing sign using a new computer with a thinner monitor and a wireless mouse]

Strong Bad:
Well, I don't know how we're gonna print it out, seeing as how somebody sliced off the back of your monitor. And quit rubbing that plastic bar of soap on the desk! You clearly don't have what it takes to bring No Loafing into the digital age. [He turns and faces the camera with a smile on his face] But I does!

[Strong Bad is asked via email if Strong Badia has a space program]

Strong Bad:
Who doesn't have a space program these days? I mean, don't, like, the Italians have a space program? Ours is called SBASAF. The Strong Badian Administration of Some Aluminum Foil. The only problem is, we blew our whole budget on this kick-awesome logo and on our orientation filmstrip.

Strong Bad:
When Email comes to town, you know, you know, it's like a rainstorm, in your browser.

E-mail:
Dear Super Bad, It bugs me how your email show doesn't have a theme song. If it did have a theme song, your show would be a whole lot cooler. Jonathan Sha*heen*! Ontario, Canada

Strong Bad:
Oooh, a little south of the border flavor. Dear Supper Bag, It bugs me how your face doesn't have a not tons of acne. If it did have a not tons of acne, you would be a whole lot cooler. Look, you don't know what you're talking about, Sha*heen*! Theme songs are just an excuse for showmakers to make less show. I'm sure viewership would triple if I had one of those crappy cartoon theme songs that bludgeons you over the head with the blunt end of the show's premise.

[the theme for "The Strong Bad Email Show" is played]

Singers:
Strong Bad is a wrestleman; he's the email-checkinest guy in the land! He checks real emails from the 'net; he's got two brothers and The Cheat, his pet. The Cheat, his pet! There's nobody dumber than Homestar Runner on "The Strong Bad Email Show"!

Strong Bad:
[writing for an advice column in Scarfgirl magazine] Dear Buttless in Bedstuy, Sounds like YOU need to play more video games, galpal. And not those girly ones where you pretend to be a dog or a frog neither. I'm talkin' about the explodey ones. The kind that make you dizzy when you play 'em. Then maybe your guy will stop talking about his ex. Eat a Steak, Cara Carabowditbowdit. XOXOXO

[cut to Homestar and Marzipan reading the column together]

Marzipan:
This lady doesn't know what she's talking about. And I don't like her pseudoname.

Homestar Runner:
Aw, you're just jealous 'cause she gets all the hot boys.

[a piece of paper hits Homestar from offscreen]

Homestar Runner:
Marzipan, mail's here.

Marzipan:
What's it say?

Homestar Runner:
[reading the note] No I don't. Strong Bad. I mean, Cara Carabowditbowdit.

Marzipan:
See, I told you.

[Strong Bad continues to narrate peoples' lives like movie trailers. He heads over to Marzipan's house and watches Marzipan and Homestar chatting. Homestar has on a red chef's hat with googly eyes on it]

Strong Bad:
They were a couple in love.

Marzipan:
Homestar, you look like a dork with that on.

Strong Bad:
Until a dorky chef's hat threatened to tear them apart.

Homestar Runner:
[upset] Oh, yeah? Well, maybe *you* look like some type of enormous... alien... cow!

[Marzipan lets out a sharp, enraged gasp; music starts playing]

Strong Bad:
This summer... [he is now seen in a field, watching Homsar levitate himself]... this holiday season... [he is now standing next to the Poopsmith and his pile of whatsit]... this Arbor Day, some smelly French studio invites *you* to sit through a four-hour film with no dialogue and no plot: "Whatsit All About".

[even though Strong Bad hates to hug trees, Homestar has somehow gotten him to hug one]

Homestar Runner:
Keep on huggin' it.

Strong Bad:
How did you get me to do this in the first place?

Homestar Runner:
Hug it! Hug it!

Strong Bad:
And why do I continue to do it?

Homestar Runner:
Keep on huggin' it. Hug it down.

Strong Bad:
I don't even like this tree that much.

Strong Bad:
[talking about his secret identity] I got lots of secret identities. Lately, I've been using this one: Tip Tappers: Expensive Briefcase Carrier. I use Mr. Tappers when I'm on tour and I want to check into a hotel and not be bothered by legions of fans.

[Strong Bad is now seen checking into a hotel, which is really Bubs' Concession Stand. Strong Bad is holding a briefcase]

Bubs:
[to Strong Bad] And what name will this room be under?

Strong Bad:
Uh, Tip Tappers, please. Unless some girl asks what room Strong Bad's in. And she's at least a seven out of ten. Or uh... six if she's naked.

Bubs:
That'll be 900 dollars, Mr... [clears throat]... Tappers.

[Homestar comes out from behind the stand, wearing night clothes and holding an ice bucket]

Homestar Runner:
Is there an ice machine around here?

Bubs:
Certainly, Mr. Dee Williams.

[Strong Bad is asked via email by someone named Ter about how dumb some crayon color names are]

Strong Bad:
Welter, the crayons of my youth had pretty awesome names. Especially the ones that came with my Limozeen 1989 "Ladies, We're Staying in Room 302 at the Ramada" Tour coloring book! There was Leather Black, Ripped Denim Blue, Groupie Lipstick Red, Skin Flesh, Hairspray Blond and Tight Shiny Purple. It even came with a cassette tape with a song about how to color!

[the tape Strong Bad mentions is displayed and Strong Bad plays it; heavy metal music plays on it]

Larry Palaroncini:
[singing] Grab a box of 64, with a sharpener a-built right in. Dump 'em all out onto the floor and let the party begin!

Limozeen:
[singing] Colorin'!

Larry Palaroncini:
[singing] Outside the lines!

Limozeen:
[singing] Colorin'!

Larry Palaroncini:
[singing] Inside your heart!

Limozeen:
[singing] Colorin'!

Larry Palaroncini:
[singing] Those crayons of mine!

Limozeen:
[singing] Colorin'!

Larry Palaroncini:
[singing] Hey, hey, let's go back to the start!

Homestar Runner:
[to Marzipan, about Strong Bad's secret identities] Maybe I should get me one of them pseudonames.

Strong Sad:
[coming in, speaking in a hyperactive voice] It's "-nym"! It's "-nym"! It's "pseudonym"! Not "pseudoname"! I can't take it anymore! "Nym", "nym", "nym"! It's a Greek word for "name"! Pseudonym! Pseudonym!

[Strong Bad opens the 150th Email while Strong Sad accompanies on guitar]

Strong Bad:
[singing] I've been walking on clouds and flippin' off rainbows on the wings of an email...

Strong Bad:
[to Strong Sad] Thanks, man.

Strong Sad:
No prob, Bob.

[Patrick Cowiche from Washington asks Strong Bad about his high school years]

Strong Bad:
Now, I have an extremely unphotographic memory. So, I guess that'd be more like a drawing, or a doodle. Like a doodle memory. But I would hazard a guess that we were probably just like other cartoons were in high school, i.e. we were a team of super sleuths. [a title card for a TV show called "The Homestar Runner Mysfit-steries", featuring teenage versions of Homestar, Strong Bad, Strong Mad and Marzipan, is displayed]

Marzipan:
Stampers! My long-lost uncles' abandoned pie factory sure is mysterious.

Strong Bad:
Aw, there's no such thing as "mysterious."

Homestar Runner:
I don't want to take any chances. We should play in a band, just to be safe.

[Homestar, Strong Bad, Strong Mad, and Marzipan suddenly start performing]

Homestar Runner:
Havin' fun with my friends. Words about a mystery. Shakin' hands with my man...

[Strong Bad receives an email from someone named Daniel, from Canada, suggesting that he should have his own set of trading cards, complete with a stick of bubble gum]

Strong Bad:
Daniel, trading cards are the biggest waste of not a video game on the planet! In fact, I thought trading cards were outlawed the day they invented good graphics. As for that "gum" that comes with them, I'm pretty sure they replaced that with a pink piece of balsa wood back in the early 80's and nobody ever noticed. So, no, I shouldn't have trading cards. But most of the other idiots 'round here have engaged in some form of trading cardery. Let's rag on them, shall we?

[a set of sports-themed trading cards with Coach Z is displayed]

Strong Bad:
First up is Coach Z's line of vaguely sports-ish managerial cards. What self-respecting twelve-year-old doesn't want to collect pictures of the smelly old men behind their favorite sports teams? And who could resist memorizing all these fabulous stats?

[Strong Bad looks at one card in particular that says that Coach Z has patted a record number of 23 butts in 1984]

Strong Bad:
Ooh, a record high 23 butt pats in '84! [Homestar appears behind Strong Bad]

Homestar Runner:
And who do you think was the lucky recipient of all those butt pats 'cept a one?

Strong Bad:
Let me guess, it...

Homestar Runner:
[interrupting] No, it was me. It was like I was made to hustle that season.

Strong Bad:
So, who got that last butt pat?

Homestar Runner:
Oh, I think he gave himself that one. He's renowned for his self-butt pats.

Strong Bad:
Yeah, known in seven states.

Coach Z:
[to Bubs] Nah, I bet if you take away them cool shades and rip that "TH" off his chest, underneath, you'd find a thin green man with a big ol' "Z" hanging from his...

Bubs:
Coach, are you accusing yourself of being the Thnikkaman?

Coach Z:
Yeah, I, uh... no! I, wuh, da, rumble-dumble sports team?

Strong Bad:
[email intro; singing in falsetto] Why do I check emails the way I do? I don't know!

Strong Bad:
How many emails can you check? Five. Twelve. Seven. Shut up.

Strong Bad:
[having failed to do some push-ups] Maybe I need to start working out.

Homestar Runner:
[dressed as an aerobics instructor] Boy, I'll say you do. [he does aerobics] One, two, and flex your pecs! Give it eight more! And five! Twees it out! C'mon, y'all! Just twees it out!

Strong Bad:
Twees it out?

Homestar Runner:
[showing off his rear] Your buttweesimo! We're gonna mold that twees into the Iron Sheik! [He glances toward Strong Bad's "twees" and resumes his aerobics] Just six more now! Eight and four! Shake it freely, twees it out!

Strong Bad:
Yeah, cool. I'm gonna go ahead and ask that you never say "twees it out" ever again.

[Homestar and Strong Bad are discussing the recent theft of Strong Bad's computer]

Homestar Runner:
Yeah, yeah, you know who I think done it? Homestar Runner. Think about it, think about it. He's got the history, he's got the motive...

Strong Bad:
Homestar, are you admitting that *you* stole my computer?

Homestar Runner:
What? No! I was just making watercooler conversation, trying to sound up with the times, uh, um, sports team?

Strong Bad:
[parodying his earliest self] When it comes to the ladies, I've got no... *competition*! [softly] Holy crap.

[When prompted by email to do so, Strong Bad redesigns the No Loafing sign by making it into a scrolling LED display]

Strong Bad:
Fresh from elementary school cafetoriums and lotto machines comes one of those actually pretty hard-to-read message board signs, capable of advanced animations, scroll-a botonies, and twelve levels of blinkiness. Now we can celebrate the lack of loafing with some fireworks! And a man doing cartwheels! [the display shows the fireworks and the cartwheeling man, in that order] No mortal would dare loaf under the four-colored dotted digital stare of this bad boy. You know, unless they looked up too late, and the "No" had already scrolled off, so they thought it said, "*Do* Loafing". Or maybe, like, Franklin Delano Loafing, our nation's laziest president.

[Strong Bad is out gathering some updated world records for a book called "Count Longardeaux's Book of Party Tricks, Redneck Jokes, and Worldly Records". He then runs into Strong Sad holding a magnifying glass as he writes on a grain of rice]

Strong Bad:
'Sup, double-bottom? How much you weigh?

Strong Sad:
What do you wanna know that for?

[Strong Bad holds up a piece of paper reading "Who the fattest?"]

Strong Bad:
Count Longardeaux has me out gathering new records for his record book.

Strong Sad:
Oh, well, then, this should interest you.

[Strong Sad displays the grain of rice through his magnifying glass]

Strong Sad:
I've transcribed "Paradise Lost" onto this single grain of basmati rice. In four languages.

Strong Bad:
Oh, yeah, that *definitely* deserves a record.

[a page from Count Longardeaux's book is shown, displaying Strong Sad on it, and the text, "Biggest Waste of Dump:
Strong "The Biggest Waste of Dump" Sad]

[Coach Z holds a pear covered in eyeballs as black coffee streams down his mouthless face. Homestar suddenly appears in front of him]

Homestar Runner:
[mimicking backwards speech] Coach Z, if you're not going to eat that eyeball pear...

[he clears his throat and speaks in a normal voice]

Homestar Runner:
...I suggest you give it to someone who will.

Coach Z:
[nervously] I don't know what's going on, Homestar, but I'm not at liberty to discuss what I just did in my pants!

Strong Bad:
[as Space Captainface; singing] Space Captainface, pretender of the galaxies! He's all-the-ways having space cocktails with hot '60s-looking girls! Where are all the '60s-looking girls?

The King of Town:
[walking up] I'm in my 60s!

Strong Bad:
[finding himself in an apartment room inside a comic book] Whoa! Where am I?

Strong Badman:
[appearing beside him] STINY! We have a visitor from an alternate universe!

Strong Bad:
It's Strong Badman! And his well-drawn abs! But... why are we in a crappy apartment instead of a secret underground lair filled with secret underground gadgets?

Strong Badman:
Because, mere mortal, this apartment... IS RENT-CONTROLLED! And... water's included.

Strong Bad:
[noticing some sink faucets running] Is that why all your faucets are running?

Strong Badman:
[laughing] MU-HU-HA-HA-HAH! Those dimwits down at the public works won't know what hit them!

Strong Bad:
So that's your evil plan? To waste water?

Strong Badman:
And not pay for it!

Strong Bad:
I gotta tell ya, Strong Badman... this part of your comic is pretty boring.

Homestar Runner:
What do you call a redneck, with no teeth, that watches stock car racing all day? [he laughs] Man, they do not wear shirts!

[the theme for "The King of Town's Very Own Quite Popular Cartoon Show!"]

Singers:
The King of Town's Very Own Quite Popular Cartoon Show! The King of Town's Very Own Quite Popular Cartoon Show!

The King of Town:
Let the king have some!

Announcer:
The King of Town's Very Own Popular Cartoon Show will not be seen this week. Instead, we bring you Strong Bad's Very Popular Cartoon Show, already in progress. [cut to Strong Bad at the Lappy]

Strong Bad:
[reading an email] "... rong Bad..."

Strong Bad:
Can you see that I've got email styles? C'mon, c'mon, can you see that I've got email styles?

[Strong Bad runs an answering machine in hopes of receiving a call on information about his stolen laptop computer]

Strong Bad:
[on answering machine] Thank you for calling attractive Strong Bad. If you have any information regarding my missing and full-on favorite fold-em-up computer, please leave your name and number. And if you have any hot licks, please shred them after the tone.

[machine beeps]

Deep-voiced caller:
[on answering machine] Hello, Strong Bad. I'm waiting for you...

[he coughs, then speaks in a different voice, that of Strong Sad]

Strong Sad:
...Oh, excuse me. I had one of those spit bubbles stuck in my throat. Anyways, I'm waiting for you here at the bus station. I just got back from my trip to the Regrettable History Museum. And you were supposed to pick me up... three days ago! I guess I'll just be waitin' for you here at the staysh. Listen to me: I've been here so long I'm on a nickname basis with the bus station.

Strong Bad:
In, um, middle school, we were a bunch of melon-headed babies with gigantic eyes and enormous imaginations.

[cut to flashback]

Coach Z:
I'm pretending I'm the craptain of the foortball torm!

Strong Bad:
I'm pretending I'm playing better video games! Aw, man! That freakin' duck swallowed both my pixels!

Strong Sad:
I'm pretending I'm not sitting next to The Diapersmith.

Homestar Runner:
Oh, don't look now, Marzipan, but I think we're the hottest couple at the prom.

Marzipan:
Homestar, as always, we're the only couple.

Homestar Runner:
But what about Strong Sad and Deborah?

Marzipan:
That is unmistakably Coach Z.

Homestar Runner:
Who?

[cut to Strong Sad watching Coach Z lace the punch with mouthwash]

Strong Sad:
Coach Z, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. You're supposed to be our chaperon!

Coach Z:
Are you kiddin'? I'm just lookin' out for all yer hygienes. Have ya ever talked to one of these kids up close? Their breaths is terrible!

[Strong Bad has just watched a death metal music video by Taranchula, involving a piece of meat covered in rusty metal]

Strong Bad:
Creeping rusty meat... Truly the heart and soul of all death metal. Except... now I feel like I really need to brush my teeth, lookin' at all that rust... and beef.

Strong Bad:
[after talking about the Homestar characters in middle school] And going even unnecessarily further back, we were all a bunch of plucky parameciums living in Free Petry Dish USA. [a paramecium version of Homestar walks up to a paramecium version of Bubs]

Homestar Runner:
Hey there, Bubsamecium, I need to buy some embarrassing items for my embarrassing body parts.

Bubs:
Certainly. Six tubes of rear end cream coming right up. [a viral bacteriophage version of Strong Bad approaches]

Strong Bad:
[laughing] Oh ho ho! Whatcha buying there, Homestarmecium?

Homestar Runner:
Uh-oh, it's Strongbadiophage. Um, uh, these are for my twin brother. [he divides himself into two] These are for my twin brother. [they divide into four] These are for my twin brother. [Strong Bad screams and runs off]

Strong Bad:
[reading "Patrick Cowiche WA"] Patrick, cowichewa. Well, cowichewa to you, too, Patrique.

E-mail:
[with Strong Bad reading] Dear Strong Bad; I'm a middle school technology teacher. I would really appreciate it if you could come up with an introduction I could use for my new classes. Thanks. Jay. Oswego NY.

Strong Bad:
[reading "Oswego NY"] Oss we go to New York! [typing response] You would *really appreciate* it? That's it? Man, back in the olden days, I could get upwards of 3 chickens, a sack of barley and a half-dead goat all for doing one of my technology intromercials. Well, I sure hope JCPenney's accepts really appreciate it's, 'cause I know for a fact they stopped taking I'll be your best friend's a while ago.

Strong Bad:
[after reading "Dylan Bragers, AKA Coolio da Fabio, Texas"] Guess what? Nobody calls you Coolio da Fabio, AKA quit making up nicknames for yourself. I'm just gonna call you Dealin' Burgers, which I assume doubles as an accurate job description.

[Strong Bad has been asked via email if he wanted someone to paint a portrait of his greatness]

Strong Bad:
I suppose my greatness is worthy of portraiture. Perhaps one done by a Deutsch Master. [a fancy portrait of Strong Bad is displayed in a museum] The kind that are always getting stolen or vandalized by art bandits. [the Cheat appears, dressed as a bandit and covers the portrait in spray paint]

Strong Bad:
Thanks, little buddy! Now it's worth something.

The Cheat:
[obliging The Cheat noises]

[cut back to Strong Bad at the computer]

Strong Bad:
Or what about one of those black and white ink portraits you see in all the rich-guy newspapers. [a newspaper with this type of portrait is shown] Well, apparently they're not rich enough to afford any color. Or even solid lines! Just a bunch of dots and dashes. I look like Morse code. [he mimics Morse code as he says:] Dah dah dah dee dee dee... I am holding a really old cell phone.

[Strong Bad received an email from Dane of Corvallis, OR, on what words to scream at the top of one's lungs in death metal]

Strong Bad:
First, you'd better be ugly, Dane. Or fat. The gift of death metal does not smile on the good looking. If there's any doubt, go ahead and hot-glue some corn flakes to your face. That'll do the trick. Now, I'm no geographist, but I don't think Oregon is anywhere near Scandinavia, which seems to be the only place left where death metal will get you any chicks. As for lyrics, you've got it all wrong! Screaming words at the top of your lungs is for people with blond hair. Ya know, words like 'tonite,' 'wooh-mon,' and the name of any street in L.A. Check it out! [he activates an online messaging program with a web-cam in it. Larry Palaroncini of Limozeen appears in it]

Larry Palaroncini:
[singing] Tonite! Wooh-mon! We'll be drivin' down Sepulveda with the t-top down?

Strong Bad:
[sarcastically] Thanks, Larry.

Larry Palaroncini:
No prob, Strong Bad. HEY! I'm gonna be online later on playing an MMORPG if you wanna join my guild!

Strong Bad:
Yeah, maybe. [against Larry's protests, Strong Bad shuts off the program] So for death metal, you want to scream from the bowels of your lungs. The bowels! Words like, "decay," "deranged," "decrepit," and, um, "delouse." In fact, you really can't go wrong with anything that starts with d-e.

Strong Bad:
[after reading "Jody, not a girl, TX"] Ya know, you could probably ditch that "not a girl" thing, if you just replaced it with something tough and cool and kool and tuff. Like "Bulldozer". Jody "Bulldozer". Nobody's gonna think that guy's a girl.

[Strong Bad has been asked via email by a middle-school technology teacher to help introduce the class]

Strong Bad:
Middle school kids are all idiots and they need as much of my help and guidance as they can get. [he goes to a classroom, wearing a lab coat and makes robot noises] One, zero zero, one one, zero, one, one zero, one one zero, zero one. [he then speaks normally] You may not have understood me, but I was speaking technology. The word "technology" means "magic". It's basically anything that's really cool that you don't know how it works. And if it breaks, you have to buy a new one. Why, I've got some technology beneath my pants right now! Whoo-ya! [Strong Bad holds up a 5.25-inch floppy disk] This is a diskette. Diskettes were invented by computers to help us. Like how cows invented milk. The two warring factions of diskettes are floppy disks... [he holds up a 3.5-inch floppy disk]... and hard disks. I prefer these big ones because they hold more memory, although you have to fold them up to fit them into these new computers.

Strong Bad:
[continuing his discussion on how a portrait of him should be done] Hey, I got it! A painting of such greatness demands only the finest materials. And what could be finer than black velvet in a cheap imitation wood frame? [a velvet painting of Strong Bad holding a skunk is shown beside a poster of a unicorn riding a snowmobile] It would be showcased in only the fanciest double-wide trailers. Oh, and look! I finally caught that skunk. I been chasing after that little scamp for... Whoa, is that a blacklight poster of a unicorn riding a snowmobile? Now that is some esteemed company.

[Strong Bad throws a Cold One bottle at a moose lamp nearby]

Homestar Runner:
[offscreen; groggy voice] Thanks for breaking my moose lamp.

[Strong Bad runs an answering machine to get a call on who stole his laptop computer; the King of Town plays a rather careless guitar riff over the phone]

The King of Town:
Ow! In case your mind wasn't totally blown by that blathering solo, my name's Furious Fingers, from Los Angeles. I'm from L.A.! I own seventeen guitars, with a combined total of 43 necks. I can provide my own leather pants and a really cool castle where we can shoot all our videos. Oh, and I also did not eat your laptop computer. Gimme a call. "Furious Fingers", "ow", "leather pants", "from L.A."

[Strong Bad has been asked via email from Tom B of CA on how hot it is in Strong Badia and how he keeps cool when it gets hot]

Strong Bad:
I'm not exactly sure how hot it is round here, Tomby. But we do have an old-timey, made-uppy, no-worky way of finding out. [Strong Bad and Strong Mad sneak up on a sleeping Strong Sad] We carefully place a spoonful of hoisin sauce on Strong Sad's disturbing soft-serve flip. [they place a spoonful of hoisin sauce on Strong Sad's head] And then we just... ask him. [to Strong Sad] Hey! Trundle bed! [Strong Sad awakens]

Strong Bad:
How hot it is right now?

Strong Sad:
Current temperature: 97, 98 degrees... Humidity: 25 percent... Barometric pressure's 30.05 inches mercury... [Strong Bad and Strong Mad sneak away] I'm gonna eat this spoonful of hoisin sauce...

Strong Bad:
[to Strong Mad] Did you hear that? The high 90s! You know what that means!

Strong Bad, Strong Mad:
[in unison] COOL TIME, POOL TIME!

Strong Bad:
In the pool that we've always had that we use all the time, and the school has always had an elevator!

Homestar Runner:
What does a redneck man call a dead possum lyin' in the middle of the road? [he laughs] Probably sushi!

[Strong Bad runs an answering machine to get a call on who stole his laptop computer; someone who sounds like Marzipan speaks on the phone]

Marzipan:
Hi, Strong Bad. This is your next-door neighbor the crocodile. Can I borrow a cup of sugar? I'm going to make some puppy-dough cookies tonight...

[Marzipan coughs a few times as her voice turns into that of Homestar]

Homestar Runner:
...Ooh! Got a spit bubble stuck in my throat. Anyway, Strong Bad, I was serious about the sugar. And... the crocodile thing.

[Strong Bad is a lifeguard at a pool, where the other Homestar characters go]

Strong Bad:
All right, ya little sacks of crap... [he gestures toward a flotation device]... just so I never have to use this weird foamy thing, lemme explain the pool rules. Welcome to our 'ool. Notice there is no "Take a crap in it" in it. Please keep it that way. [he sees the Poopsmith testing the water] Poopsmith, don't even try it. [the Poopsmith hangs his head] Also, no rough-horsing, no house-rousing, no butt-patting.

Coach Z:
Aw, nuts.

Strong Bad:
And no running, no diving, no swimming. But that last one is not very widely enforced. But most importantly, after you eat, wait three full days, get a complete physical, have an ear candling, and press "up", "A" and "start" before re-entering the pool.

Strong Bad:
[checking one last email on the Compy 386, despite the big shotgun hole through it] There's a big ol' hole inside my email, makin' it hard to check.

[the email is formatted around the hole]

Strong Bad:
Ooh, automatic hole formatting!

[he reads the email]

Strong Bad:
"Dear Strong Bad, I want to see you perform some amazing feats of wonder."

[he stops reading]

Strong Bad:
You mean more amazing than checking an email on this computer?

[he resumes reading]

Strong Bad:
"Very seriously, Luke South."

[he proceeds to type his response]

Strong Bad:
Well, I am very serious too. Serious about the most incredible, tantalizing, pants-defying, mind-googling sights in the whole world! Lalalalalalaaaa! Ladies and Luke, I give you Strong Bad's Amazing Feats of Wonder!

[Strong Bad reveals a carnival tent as he dresses as a sideshow caller]

Strong Bad:
Gawk and squawk as I walk and talk like an old-timey sideshow caller, and add "Lalalalalaa" to the end of everything I say, lalalalalalaaa!

[Strong Bad goes inside the tent, showing off Marzipan with her hair tied up]

Strong Bad:
First up, in our gallery of ocular oddities, is a contortionist with a twist! Feast your Dust Bowl-ravaged eyes on Marzipan, the Human Woman Rotini!

[Marzipan twists her neck into a spring shape, to the audience's amazement]

Strong Bad:
Behold! An ocean of pesto!

[some green liquid hits Marzipan in the face]

Marzipan:
That's not part of my act.

The King of Town:
I know. It's a part of *mine*, lalalalalalaaa!

[Strong Bad continues his discussion on doing a portrait of himself]

Strong Bad:
I don't know anybody with a useless Master of Fine Arts degree, so I might have to settle for something a bit more, how you say, made by Strong Mad or The Cheat. [he goes to see The Cheat, who is noisily gnawing on a log to make a bust of Strong Bad]

Strong Bad:
Very... uh, slobbery, The Cheat. This isn't quite what I had in mind when you said "sculpture". You're really just... goin' to town there, aren't ya? I'm gonna leave you two alone.

[Strong Bad goes over to Strong Mad, who is making a portrait of Strong Bad out of macaroni and glitter]

Strong Bad:
Oh, nice work, Chef Boyardee! Like I couldn't have gone down to the kindergarten and hired a five-year-old to make me one of those... Except that sounds pretty creepy and I'd probably go to jail.

Strong Mad:
I'LL WAIT FOR YOU!

[Strong Bad continues to gather updated world records for "Count Longardeaux's Book of Party Tricks, Redneck Jokes, and Worldly Records"]

Strong Bad:
[to Coach Z] So, Coach Z, what kind of wonderment do you have in store for us? That's not shower-related?

Coach Z:
Well... [he puts several pieces of chewed gum on his face] I'm gonna set the world record for puttin' nine pieces of chewed gum up on my face and singin' the "I'm Just Me" song and hoppin' around on one foot! [he starts hopping on one foot]

Strong Bad:
Coach?

Coach Z:
[singing] I'm just me! Can't you see? I'm just a silly little bumblebee!

Strong Bad:
Oh, please, stop! Look, you can't just make up some random crap that no one else will ever do and call that a record. [behind them, Homsar is also hopping on one foot, also covered in chewed gum] Count Longardeaux would not stand for...

Homsar:
[not singing] I'm just me! Can't you see? I'm just a silly little bumblebee!

[Strong Bad continues to gather updated world records for "Count Longardeaux's Book of Party Tricks, Redneck Jokes, and Worldly Records"]

Strong Bad:
[to the King of Town] All right, King o' Town, I need some disgusting eating records. Why don't you just, uh, have lunch, and I'm sure you'll set several without even trying.

The King of Town:
Ooh, I like eating lunch.

[he gestures toward a big pile of salt, including the shaker, on a table]

The King of Town:
Today, I'm having a giant pile of salt.

[the King then imitates a vacuum cleaner as he inhales the whole pile, shaker and all, into his mouth in one gulp]

Strong Bad:
Whoa, nice work!

[the King suddenly starts hiccuping]

Strong Bad:
Whoa, you got some hiccups?

The King of Town:
Nope, those, my friend, are heart attacks.

[a page from Count Longardeaux's book is shown, displaying the King on it, and the text, "Least Healthiest Man?:
The King of Town"]

[Strong Bad has been asked via email from Matt M., WA, on if he has been to a senior prom]

Strong Bad:
I have personally never had a senior prom, Matt. I have, however, crashed my fair share of Senior Proms, Senor Proms, Homecoming Dances, Shortcoming Prances, and Off-Site Team-Building Pottery Classes. But the best Senior Prom I ever crashed was the Entrapment All Up On the Moon Dance. It all started one day, when I received some very disappointing news...

[cut to a poorly-made answering machine, made out of a clock radio with a cassette tape on top of it]

Strong Bad:
[to Strong Mad and The Cheat, pretending to be upset] Oh, man, you guys. I'm totally bummed. Listen to this message I just got.

[he looks away from them and speaks in a high-pitched voice]

Strong Bad:
Hey... Bunmuffin... It's Deli... lelia. They need me to go back up to Mars to help out that robot that got stuck in the sand. So I won't be able to go to the dance with you.

[Strong Mad and The Cheat are not amused and look irritated]

Strong Bad:
I left you some cold meatloaf under the fridge.

[Strong Bad's voice returns to normal, still feigning disappointment]

Strong Bad:
That little robot's stuck in the sand *again*! I guess I don't have a date for the dance. Oh, well. Looks like you two losers...

[Strong Mad looks offended]

Strong Bad:
...and me one cool guy will just have to crash the ever-loving style out of it!

Homestar Runner:
[Strong Bad has been discussing his "bottom 10"] Hey, Strong Bad, what about my bottom...

Strong Bad:
No one wants to see *your* bottom ten, Homestar.

Homestar Runner:
No, no, not my bottom ten. My bottom. You know... [turns around and shows his rear end to Strong Bad, while dancing slightly; singing] Butt dance again, like the rhythm's down your pants now... [Strong Bad gags and throws up on his computer keyboard at this sight]

Strong Bad:
[preparing to check an email] Back out of my way, so I can check some email.

[he presses enter and the email appears, but the subject line fills up the screen and consists entirely of "Fwd:
" and "Re:"]

Strong Bad:
Oh, great. Let me guess...

[mocking voice]

Strong Bad:
"It's true! You saw it on the news." Or, "Hey, sounds crazy, but thought it was worth a shot."

Strong Bad:
[reading "Matt M. WA"] "Matt M., Walrus Association". Oh, man! Would you Walrus Association people please leave me alone? I will pay my dues when you send me my tusks!

Strong Bad:
[reading "Daniel, N.S. CANADA"] "Another freakin' guy named Daniel, not safe in Canada". [whispering] Oh, thanks for the tip, Daniel. I'll lay low here in the states for a while until things cool off.

Strong Bad:
[reading "Nathan, TX"] "Nathan, T-X". Oooh, the Nathan TX! That has, like, way four more cylinders than the standard Nathan. Better Blue Book value, too.

[Strong Bad and The Cheat stand next to something covered in a yellowed blanket, ready to go on a road trip]

Strong Bad:
All right, you ready to go, The Cheat? Why is Strong Mad hiding under that not-originally-yellow-spotted sheet from Strong Sad's bedroom, not my bedroom? [the Cheat pulls the blanket off the object it covered: several stacks of aluminum cans]

The Cheat:
[excited The Cheat noises]

Strong Bad:
Whoa! Eighty-something cases of Bull Honkey! That's my favorite caffeinergy sauce! Oh, this road trip is definitely going to be jumbo/LARGE.

The Cheat:
[perplexed The Cheat noises]

Strong Bad:
Just laugh at it. It's an inside joke. It's going to be hilarious.

Strong Bad:
[talking about what he would do if his head and body were separated] My head could be off giving folks career advice, whilst my body is rioting against the municipality! [his head is seen talking to Homestar and his body is seen throwing rocks at the Poopsmith, dressed in riot gear]

Strong Bad:
[to Homestar] Maybe this running business just isn't for you. Have you ever considered the making and selling of tiny breads?

Homestar Runner:
Homestar Bunmaker, eh? Me likey, me likey! Thanks, Eggman. [turns away, then turns back] Oh, and... [tosses some coins down]... why don't you get yourself something to eat? Put some meat on them bones, girl. [Homestar leaves and Strong Bad's head turns to his body]

Strong Bad:
That's some nice revolutin' there, body, but maybe we should spread out more. Like, more.

Strong Bad:
[reading "marc baroni AZ"] "Macaroni from A to Z". Ooh, alphabet macaroni!

Strong Bad:
[asked via email about what happened to the get up noise] The get up noise? Oh, wait, you mean the Geddup Noise! This guy! [gets up and sits down three times, making the Geddup Noise each time] Ahhh, what fun! But that's not even the real Geddup Noise. That's just his cousin, Chairscoot. No, the real Geddup noise split quite some time ago. Somewheres right around email 84, Ol' Geddy got all big overseas. And then the phone calls started coming in. [flashback to an earlier email, with Strong Bad talking on a phone] Hello? What? Yes, no, yes. [tosses phone to his computer seat] It's for you. [the Geddup Noise is heard; cut back to current computer] And before I knew it, every-freakin-body's talkin' about the Geddup Noise.

Coach Z:
Okay, now I got one, Bubso. Who am I supposed to be? Aaaaooooroomah! Eeeeeeoooowree!

Bubs:
Is that supposed to be the Geddup Noise?

Coach Z:
Hang on, hang on! Let me switch my pitch up! Waaay-o! Waaaay-o!

Bubs:
[annoyed] Way-o, way-o? I'll be in the basement.

[goes down into basement by elevator]

Coach Z:
Way-o! Waaaay-o!

Strong Bad:
[reading "Cephas, Cornwall, CA"] "Cephas Cornwall of the Corn Army".

[Strong Bad and The Cheat climb into a car to go on a road trip]

Strong Bad:
Road trip city, here we come!

The Cheat:
[the Cheat noises]

Strong Bad:
Keys? I don't have any keys. Look, the only thing I know about this car is what Bubs told me. And that's that the windows and doors are broken and you can't open them from the inside. [the Cheat glares at Strong Bad] Oh. Right. That was pretty poor planning on my part. [calling out] Bubs? Green Bubs? Anybody?

[Strong Bad walks in on Marzipan's Montesodium class, holding a broken Skin Flesh crayon]

Strong Bad:
Hey, goody Marzipan. Can I borrow some crayons? I broke my Skin Flesh.

Marzipan:
Shh! Strong Bad, not in front of the class!

Homestar Runner:
[a student in the class] Teacher! I have to go bathroom!

Strong Bad:
Why can't I say "Skin Flesh" in front of the... uh, children?

Marzipan:
First of all, we don't call them children. They're life blossoms!

Strong Bad:
Life blossoms? Marzipan, what kind of cult are you running here?

Marzipan:
Oh, a pretty standard one. Anyway, we don't use the term "Skin Flesh". The color you're looking for is "Dermal Discoveries".

Strong Bad:
What's that scramble? What about Lipstick Red?

Marzipan:
No, no, no. Too gender-specific. We use "Crimson Suggestion".

Strong Bad:
Well, how 'bout Hairspray Blond?

Marzipan:
"Vague Pigmentation".

Strong Bad:
Leather Black?

Marzipan:
We just call that "blue".

Strong Bad:
[asked via email if Strong Bad has any mysterious myths or legendary legends] Mysterious Myths or Legendary Legends? Isn't that a show on one of those channels up in the high hundreds? Ya know, like between the CG Dinosaur Channel and the Homes with Rollercoasters in Them Network? Well, if not, it should be!

Strong Bad:
[continuing his lecture on technology] Another thing you'll need is your very own email address. Just take your favorite hobby, add "kid", "grrl", "pie" or "izzle", and put a bunch of numbers at the end! [an email address of this kind is displayed: "swimteampie33331@kindergartencop.edu"]

Strong Bad:
[asked via email from someone named Buck Webb on how to impress a lady fan who doesn't like Strong Bad] Buck Webb? You sound like one of those boring soap-opera comic strips from the, quote-unquote, "funny" pages. [a soap opera comic is shown, depicting, apparently, Buck Webb and his lady fan]

Buck Webb:
I'm afraid it's Splitsville for us, Lady Fan... if you don't take a shine to Strong Bad!

Lady Fan:
Oh, Buck... [in another panel, she is suddenly holding up a pistol to Buck] I'll give Strong Bad a chance. In fact... [next panel displays a turtle] I think I'm falling for him. Like, big time.

Buck Webb:
C'mon, baby. Stay with me. [another panel shows him holding a yoga DVD] I'll buy you a new yoga DVD!

Lady Fan:
[crying] I'll... think about it!

Strong Bad:
We both know who she's gonna choose, Buck. Is that what you want?

Strong Bad:
[asked via email from someone named Fabrosi for tips on "lady-ing"; parodying his earliest self] First, Fabrosi, you've got to look as much as possible like the Strong Bad. Take off your shirt, sand off your nipples...

[rubs sandpaper on his nipples]

Strong Bad:
...and wear tight pants that accentuate all your suppleties. But sometimes that's not enough, and you have to douse yourself in the finest Mongolian aftershave lotion.

[douses himself in gasoline and walks up to Homestar and Marzipan, gas fumes emanating from him]

Strong Bad:
Oh, Marzipan. Do you want a-my bod?

Homestar Runner:
Uh, Strong Bad, why do you smell like a garage?

Marzipan:
Me, too!

Strong Bad:
Why, you... A-take a-this!

[somersaults through the air and lands hard on Homestar's head, knocking him to the wrestling mat]

Homestar Runner:
Oh!

[Senor Cardgage is fishing in a boat when Strong Bad magically appears in it]

Strong Bad:
Wow, a fishing trip with Senor Cardgage! My life is complete.

Senor Cardgage:
Alonzo Mourning to you, Myrtlebeth. [holds up fishing tackle box] Say hello to my tackle box.

Strong Bad:
Hello there, tackle box. [smiles] I'm such a big fan.

Senor Cardgage:
[holds up a piece of paper] Well, if you could just sign right here on the dotty line, the adaption will be complete.

Strong Bad:
*You're* gonna adopt me? [suddenly disappears] Aw, man!

[having been disconnected from each other, Strong Bad's head and body have gone off to other locales; his head is lying on a deserted island, drinking a tropical drink and wearing sunglasses]

Strong Bad:
Ah, living the sleazy life. Hey, cabana boy! My drink needs more umbrellas! What kind of deserted island is this, anyway? [the camera cuts to a dance club, where Strong Bad's body is seen dancing; Bubs dances nearby]

Strong Bad:
[voiceover] Meanwhile, my body could be off putting its considerably reduced weight on it down at the cloughb!

Bubs:
Dang, Strong Body! Without all that extra head ballast, your moves are twicely fresh! Twicely fresh!

Strong Bad:
Strong Badia: an idyllic fruit-opia rich in made-up stories and not-true-ities, the not-true-est of which...

[prods the tire in Strong Badia, causing a bear holding a shark to pop up; The Cheat runs past in terror]

The Cheat:
[screaming The Cheat noises]

Strong Bad:
...is the mighty bear holding a shark. More than a mere security countermeasure, its origins lie in the skies of old.

[cut to the night sky, where various constellations are formed, including one of a fish wearing an afro and a marathon runner wearing a Union Jack-themed singlet]

Strong Bad:
The stars tell us that two of the seven elemental spirits of Strong Badia, the fish wearing a 'fro wig and the British distance runner, combined forces to defeat the others. In paintball... or maybe Red Rover. Then, through years of bad storytelling and the telephone game, the mythic beast transformed into the bear holding a shark we know today.

[shows off some fence drawings of the bear holding a shark terrorizing the countryside]

Strong Bad:
These ancient fence drawings show evidence of destroyed crops, stolen babies, and family bike-rides. Or family pie-sitting contests. Bear-holding-a-shark fever gripped the nation.

[Bubs is seen selling some bear-holding-a-shark-themed merchandise from his concession stand]

Bubs:
[holding up an ice cream bar] We got bear-holding-a-shark frozen delights...

[shows off a pile of glasses next to him]

Bubs:
...and these shot glasses are always popular with the kids. Oh, and my favorite...

[reaches down and produces a necklace]

Bubs:
...these bear-tooth-holding-a-shark-tooth necklaces!

Strong Bad:
[continuing to act like a sideshow caller] Now, direct your attention to the Pee Wee Stage, where the flea circus has left town, and the inmates are restless! [shows off The Cheat] Gather strong at The Cheat's flea prison riot! [a magnifying glass appears and looks at a tiny prison in The Cheat's fur, where small black dots are rioting and squabbling, the prison has some flames coming out of the windows, and a siren is heard; cut to Strong Sad wearing a blue dress and beard]

Strong Bad:
[speaking perfunctorily] And don't forget Strong Sad's feet of wonder.

Strong Sad:
[showing off his elephant-type feet] I call them "soolnds".

Strong Bad:
[continuing his lecture on "lady-ing"; parodying his earliest self] The ladies also can't resist awesome wrestling moves off the top rope! [jumps down off of wrestling ring ropes to tackle Homestar with a crash]

Homestar Runner:
Ow!

Marzipan:
[watching the ordeal] Ooh, that's resistible.

Strong Bad:
And if that doesn't work, bring out your cute baby brother... [Strong Sad is seen in the ring, but falls into the floor through a trapdoor]... or holy-crap-adorable pet. [the Cheat appears]

The Cheat:
[the Cheat noises as he bats his eyes]

Marzipan:
[frowning] Now it smells like a garage with a litter box in it.

Strong Bad:
The Cheat, I told you to wear finest Mongolian aftershave lotion!

The Cheat:
[the Cheat noises as he continues to bat his eyes; Strong Bad kicks him out of the ring]