Seinfeld

Cosmo Kramer:
The bus is outta control. So I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel, and now I'm driving the bus.

Jerry:
Wow.

George Costanza:
You're Batman.

Cosmo Kramer:
Yeah, yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to and he starts choking me. So I'm fighting him off with one hand and I kept driving the bus with the other, ya know. Then I managed to open up the door and I kicked him out the door, ya know, with my foot, ya know, at the next stop.

Jerry:
You kept making all the stops?

Cosmo Kramer:
Well, people kept ringing the bell!

George Costanza:
Jerry, just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it.

George Costanza:
I just don't see what purpose is it going to serve your going? I mean, you think dead people care who's at the funeral? They don't even know they're having a funeral. It's not like she's hanging out in the back going, "I can't believe Jerry didn't show up".

Elaine:
Maybe she's there in spirit. How about that?

George Costanza:
If you're a spirit, and you can travel to other dimensions and galaxies, and find out the mysteries of the universe, you think she's going to want to hang around Drexler's funeral home on Ocean Parkway?

[Answering the phone]

Jerry:
If you know what happened in the Mets game don't tell me, I taped it. Hello?

Mr. Lippman:
It's come to my attention that you and the cleaning woman have engaged in sexual intercourse on the desk in your office. Is that correct?

George Costanza:
Who said that?

Mr. Lippman:
She did.

George Costanza:
[pause] Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I tell you, I gotta plead ignorance on this thing, because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing is frowned upon... you know, cause I've worked in a lot of offices, and I tell you, people do that all the time.

Mr. Lippman:
You're fired!

George Costanza:
Well, you didn't have to say it like that.

George Costanza:
[George rushes into Jerry's apartment] Did anybody call here asking for Vandelay Industries?

Jerry:
No, what happened to you?

George Costanza:
All right, listen closely, I was at the unemployment office and I told them I was very close to getting a job with Vandelay Industries, and I gave them your phone number. So now, when the phone rings, you have to answer "Vandelay Industries".

Jerry:
I'm Vandelay Industries?

George Costanza:
Right.

Jerry:
What is that?

George Costanza:
You're in latex.

Jerry:
What do I do with latex?

George Costanza:
I don't know, you manufacture it.

Elaine:
Right here in this little apartment?

Jerry:
And what do I say about you?

George Costanza:
You're considering hiring me for your latex salesman.

Jerry:
I'm gonna hire you as my latex salesman? I don't think so. Why would I do that?

George Costanza:
Because I asked you to.

Jerry:
If you think I'm looking for someone to just sit at a desk, pushing papers around, you can forget it. I get enough headaches just trying to manufacture the stuff.

Cosmo Kramer:
[phone rings, Kramer picks up the phone] Hello... What Delay Industries?

George Costanza:
[yelling from the bathroom] Vandelay! Say Vandelay!

Cosmo Kramer:
No, you're way, way, way off. Well yeah, that's the right number, but this is an apartment.

George Costanza:
[rushes out of the toilet with his pants on his knees] Vandelay! Say Vandelay Industries! [falls down]

Cosmo Kramer:
Yeah, no problem. [hangs up phone]

Cosmo Kramer:
How did you know who that was?

Jerry:
[enters apartment, sees George lying on the floor with his pants on his ankles] And you wanna be my latex salesman?

George Costanza:
It became very clear to me sitting out there today that every decision I've made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat - it's all been wrong.

Cushman:
Why don't you tell me about some of your previous job experience?

George Costanza:
Alrighty. My last job was in publishing. I got fired for having sex in my office with the cleaning woman.

Cushman:
Go on.

George Costanza:
All right. Before that, I was in real estate. I quit because the boss wouldn't let me use his private bathroom. That was it.

Cushman:
Do you talk to everybody like this?

George Costanza:
Of course.

Cushman:
My niece told me you were different.

George Costanza:
I am different, yeah.

Cushman:
I gotta tell you, you are the complete opposite of every applicant we've seen. Mr. Steinbrenner, sir. There's someone here I'd like you to meet. This is Mr. Costanza. He is one of the applicants.

George Steinbrenner:
Nice to meet you.

George Costanza:
Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years, you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduced them to a laughing stock, all for the glorification of your massive ego.

George Steinbrenner:
Hire this man!

Gary Fogel:
Good for you, Jack!

Elaine:
Ugh, I hate people.

Jerry:
Yeah, they're the worst.

Frank Costanza:
I have been performing feats of strength all morning.

George Costanza:
I lie every second of the day. My whole life is a sham.

Russell Dalrymple:
So, what have you guys come up with?

Jerry:
Well, we thought about this in a variety of ways, but the basic idea is I would play myself...

George Costanza:
May I...?

Jerry:
Go ahead.

George Costanza:
I think I can sum up the show for you with one word: nothing.

Russell Dalrymple:
Nothing?

George Costanza:
Nothing!

Russell Dalrymple:
What does that mean?

George Costanza:
The show is about nothing!

George Costanza:
[Kramer has just vomited on Susan] I never should have brought her up there. Should have known better. I should have seen it coming, I didn't see it coming.

Jerry:
I think she saw it coming.

Cosmo Kramer:
You're wasting your life.

George Costanza:
I am not. What you call wasting, I call living. I'm living my life.

Cosmo Kramer:
OK, like what? No, tell me. Do you have a job?

George Costanza:
No.

Cosmo Kramer:
You got money?

George Costanza:
No.

Cosmo Kramer:
Do you have a woman?

George Costanza:
No.

Cosmo Kramer:
Do you have any prospects?

George Costanza:
No.

Cosmo Kramer:
You got anything on the horizon?

George Costanza:
Uh, no.

Cosmo Kramer:
Do you have any action at all?

George Costanza:
No.

Cosmo Kramer:
Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning?

George Costanza:
I like to get the Daily News.

Jerry:
Oh, by the way, Newman, I'm just curious, when you booked the hotel, did you book it for the millennium new year?

Newman:
As a matter of fact, I did.

Jerry:
Oh, well, that's interesting, because, since everyone knows that there's no year zero, the millennium doesn't really begin until 2001, which would make your party one year late, and thus, quite lame.

[repeated lines]

Newman:
Hello, Jerry.

Jerry:
Hello, Newman.

George Costanza:
Do you ever get down on your knees and thank God you know me and have access to my dementia?

Cosmo Kramer:
Yo Yo Ma.

Jerry:
Oh, this is interesting...

Elaine:
What?

Jerry:
Jane's topless. [everyone takes a look]

Cosmo Kramer:
Yo yo ma.

Jerry:
Boutros Boutros Ghali...

Elaine:
Nice rack.

Telemarketer:
Would you be interested in a subscription to the New York Times?

Jerry:
Yes.

[hangs up]

Elaine:
All right, let's go, I'll give you half an hour.

Jerry:
You're serious?

Elaine:
Jerry, we have to have sex to save the friendship.

Jerry:
Sex to SAVE the friendship. Well if we have to, we have to.

Blaine:
What was bad about The English Patient?

Elaine:
Only that it sucked.

Jerry:
Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.

[Looking at Elaine's Christmas card (photo by Kramer)]

Jerry:
I'm not sure, and correct me if I'm wrong, but I think I see... a nipple.

George Costanza:
You know I always wanted to pretend I was an architect.

Cosmo Kramer:
Boy, these pretzels are makin' me thirsty.

Jerry:
We're not gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

George Costanza:
You're really moving to California?

Cosmo Kramer:
[points to his head] Up here, I'm already gone.

Elaine:
You know what your problem is? Your standards are too high.

Jerry:
I went out with you.

Elaine:
That's because my standards are too low.

Elaine:
I'm not a lesbian. I hate men, but I'm not a lesbian.

Cosmo Kramer:
If you're not gonna be a part of a civil society, then just get in your car and drive on over to the East Side.

Jerry:
You can't keep avoiding her.

George Costanza:
Why not? If she can't find me, she can't break up with me.

Cosmo Kramer:
They're trying to screw with your head.

Jerry:
Now why would a junior high school want to screw with my head?

Cosmo Kramer:
Why does Radio Shack ask for your phone number when you buy batteries? I don't know.

[At Yankees batting practice]

George Costanza:
Guys, hitting is not about muscle. It's simple physics. Calculate the velocity, v, in relation to the trajectory, t, in which g, gravity, of course remains a constant. [Hits a home run] It's not complicated.

Derek Jeter:
Now, who are you again?

George Costanza:
George Costanza, assistant to the traveling secretary.

Bernie Williams:
Are you the guy who put us in that Ramada in Milwaukee?

George Costanza:
Do you wanna talk about hotels, or do you wanna win some ball games?

Derek Jeter:
We won the World Series.

George Costanza:
In six games.

George Costanza:
I'm speechless. I have no speech.

Jerry:
Cinnamon. It should be on tables in restaurants along with salt and pepper. Anytime someone says, "Ooh, this is so good - what's in this?" the answer invariably comes back, "cinnamon." Cinnamon. Again and again.

Rental Car Agent:
Would you like insurance?

Jerry:
Yeah, you better give me the insurance. Because I'm gonna beat the hell out of this car.

Jerry:
You see, Elaine, the key to eating a black and white cookie is that you wanna get some black and some white in each bite. Nothing mixes better than vanilla and chocolate. And yet still somehow racial harmony eludes us. If people would only look to the cookie, all our problems would be solved.

Jerry:
You know it's a very interesting situation. Here you have a job that can help you get girls. But you also have a relationship. But if you try to get rid of the relationship so you can get girls, you lose the job. You see the irony?

George Costanza:
Yeah, yeah, I see the irony.

Jerry:
You will be stunned.

Elaine:
Stunned by soup?

Jerry:
You can't eat this soup standing up. Your knees buckle.

George Costanza:
The sea was angry that day, my friends - like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about fifty feet out and suddenly the great beast appeared before me. I tell you he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I said, "Easy, big fella!" And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized that something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish.

Jerry:
Mammal.

George Costanza:
Whatever.

Cosmo Kramer:
Well, what did you do next?

George Costanza:
Well then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork, and I found myself right on top of him - face to face with the blowhole. I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me but I knew something was there. So I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the obstruction. [George reveals the obstruction to be a golf ball]

Cosmo Kramer:
What is that, a Titleist? [George nods] Hole in one, huh?

George Costanza:
I want to make a good entrance. I never makes good entrances.

Jerry:
You have made some good exits.

Jerry:
[Jerry, & George are talking at the bar. Marla & Stacy are at the other end of the bar. Jerry used to date Marla, so he greets her and she walks over to talk to George & Jerry] Marla!

Marla Penny:
Jerry!

Jerry:
George, Marla.

George Costanza:
Marla.

Marla Penny:
George. Jerry, Stacy.

Jerry:
Stacy.

Stacy:
Jerry.

Jerry:
George, Stacy.

George Costanza:
Stacy.

Stacy:
George.

Jerry:
George.

George Costanza:
Jerry, Marla. Stacy!

George Costanza:
I love you, Jer.

Jerry:
Right back at you, slick.

George Costanza:
Kramer goes to a fantasy camp? His whole life is a fantasy camp. People should plunk down $2000 to live like him for a week. Do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors and have sex without dating. THAT'S a fantasy camp.

Cosmo Kramer:
...that ball goes sailing up into the sky, holds there for a moment, and then... *glugh*.

Jerry:
I wanted to talk to you about Dr. Whatley. I have a suspicion that he's converted to Judaism purely for the jokes.

Priest:
And this offends you as a Jewish person?

Jerry:
No, it offends me as a comedian.

George Costanza:
Do you realize in the entire history of western civilization no one has successfully accomplished the Roommate Switch? In the Middle Ages you could get locked up for even suggesting it.

Jerry:
They didn't have roommates in the Middle Ages.

George Costanza:
Well, I'm sure at some point between the years 800 and 1200, somewhere, there were two women living together.

[discussing George's ATM code]

Jerry:
Oh, come on, just tell me your code already. What is it?

George Costanza:
I am not giving you my code.

Cosmo Kramer:
I'll bet I can guess it.

George Costanza:
Pssh. Yeah. Right.

Cosmo Kramer:
Oh, alright. Yeah. Uh, let's see. Um, well, we can throw out birthdays immediately. That's too obvious. And no numbers for you, you're a word man. Alright, let's go deeper. Uh, what kind of man are you? Well, you're weak, spineless, a man of temptations, but what tempts you?

George Costanza:
Huh?

Cosmo Kramer:
You're a portly fellow, a bit long in the waistband. So what's your pleasure? Is it the salty snacks you crave? No no no no no, yours is a sweet tooth.

George Costanza:
Get out of here.

Cosmo Kramer:
Oh you may stray, but you'll always return to your dark master, the cocoa bean.

George Costanza:
I'm leaving.

Cosmo Kramer:
[building up steam as George bolts for the door] No, and only the purest syrup nectar can satisfy you!

George Costanza:
I gotta go.

Cosmo Kramer:
If you could you'd guzzle it by the gallon! Ovaltine! Hershey's!

George Costanza:
Shut up!

Cosmo Kramer:
Nestl?'s Quik!

George Costanza:
Shut up!

Cosmo Kramer:
[enters Jerry's apartment. Slams money on the counter] I'm out!

Elaine:
What?

Cosmo Kramer:
Yeah, I'm out. I'm out of the contest.

Jerry:
[Kramer has just returned from baseball fantasy camp] I thought you weren't coming back till Monday.

Cosmo Kramer:
Well, the camp ended a few days early.

Jerry:
Why?

Cosmo Kramer:
Well, there was an incident.

Jerry:
What happened?

Cosmo Kramer:
I punched Mickey Mantle in the mouth.

[last lines]

Jerry:
All right, hey, you've been great! See you at the cafeteria.

Jerry:
So we're gonna make the Post Office pay for my new stereo now?

Cosmo Kramer:
It's a write-off for them.

Jerry:
How is it a write-off?

Cosmo Kramer:
They just write it off.

Jerry:
Write it off what?

Cosmo Kramer:
Jerry, all these big companies, they write off everything.

Jerry:
You don't even know what a write-off is.

Cosmo Kramer:
Do you?

Jerry:
No, I don't.

Cosmo Kramer:
But they do. And they're the ones writing it off.

Jerry:
To me, the thing about birthday parties is that the first birthday party you have and the last birthday party you have are actually quite similar. You know, you just kinda sit there... you're the least excited person at the party. You don't even really realize that there is a party. You don't know what's goin' on. Both birthday parties, people have to kinda help you blow out the candles, you can't do it... you don't even know why you're doing it. What is this ritual? What is going on? It's also the only two birthday parties where other people have to gather your friends together for you. Sometimes they're not even your friends. They make the judgement. They bring 'em in, they sit 'em down, and they tell you - 'these are your friends! Tell them thank you for coming to my birthday party.

[At a health club, in the sauna, Kramer is hot and flushed]

Cosmo Kramer:
God... it's like a sauna in here.

Cosmo Kramer:
I'm on the Mexican, woah oh oh, radio.

George Costanza:
I have a bad feeling that whenever a lesbian looks at me they think "That's why I'm not a heterosexual."

George Costanza:
My name is George, I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.

George Costanza:
I've driven women to lesbianism before but never to a mental institution.

George Costanza:
What kind of a person are you?

Jerry:
I think I'm pretty much like you, only successful.

George Costanza:
What gives you pleasure?

Jerry:
Listening to you. I listen to this for fifteen minutes and I'm on top of the world. Your misery is my pleasure.

George Costanza:
Divorce is always hard. Especially on the kids. 'Course I am the result of my parents having stayed together so ya never know.

George Costanza:
I'll sniff out a deal. I have a sixth sense.

Jerry:
Cheapness is not a sense.

George Costanza:
When she threw that toupee out the window, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I feel like my old self again. Neurotic, paranoid, totally inadequate, completely insecure. It's a pleasure.

[staff meeting at J. Peterman; Anna, one of Elaine's employees, enters wearing George's Yankee jacket]

Elaine:
Anna, whose jacket is that?

Anna:
It's mine.

Elaine:
Oh really? Because, it looks a bit big on you. It looks like something a short, stocky, slow-witted bald man would wear.

George Costanza:
I'm a great quitter. It's one of the few things I do well. I come form a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter... I was raised to give up.

Newman:
Just remember, when you control the mail, you control... information.

[George sees two women holding hands in a video store, one of whom is his ex, Susan]

George Costanza:
[to himself] Ooh, a lesbian sighting. They're so fascinating, why is that? Because they don't want us. You've got to respect that.

George Costanza:
It's just that it's been so long since I've seen you.

Susan Biddle Ross:
And you didn't expect to see me holding hands with a woman.

George Costanza:
Oh, that. I think that's great. I'm all for experimentation - I'm the first guy in the pool. Who do you think you're talking to?

Susan Biddle Ross:
I know who I'm talking to.

George Costanza:
Of course you do.

[Susan has become a lesbian]

George Costanza:
About your... metamorphosis. When did it happen?

Susan Biddle Ross:
About right after I broke up with you.

Jerry:
I don't trust the guy. I think he regifted, then he degifted, and now he's using an upstairs invite as a springboard to a Superbowl sex romp.

George Costanza:
I don't think I've ever been to an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up.

Noel:
I am breaking up with YOU.

George Costanza:
You can't break up with me, I've got Hand.

Noel:
And you're going to need it...

[At the Puerto Rican Day Parade]

Elaine:
We don't know how long this will last. They are a very festive people.

[at the Puerto Rican Day parade]

Jerry:
You can't just leave the group.

Elaine:
Jerry, I've been trying to leave this group for 10 years. Vaya con Dios.

[phone rings and George's answering machine comes on while he's home]

George Costanza:
Believe it or not, George isn't at home. Please leave a message at the beep. I must be out or I'd pick up the phone. Where could I be? Believe it or not, I'm not home. [beep]

Cosmo Kramer:
You know Darren, if you would have told me twenty-five years ago that some day I'd be standing here about to solve the world's energy problems, I would've said you're crazy... Now let's push this giant ball of oil out the window.

Telemarketer:
Hi, would you be interested in switching over to TMI long distance service?

Jerry:
Oh, gee, I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later?

Telemarketer:
Uh, well I'm sorry, we're not allowed to do that.

Jerry:
Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home.

Telemarketer:
No.

Jerry:
Well, now you know how I feel. [Jerry hangs up phone]

Frank Costanza:
Many Christmas' ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon, I realized there had to be another way.

Cosmo Kramer:
What happened to the doll?

Frank Costanza:
It was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born. A FESTIVUS FOR THE REST-OF-US.

Jerry:
I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating me.

George Costanza:
No, that's pie country. They do a lot of baking up there.

Jerry:
They sell them by the side of the road. Blueberry, blackberry.

George Costanza:
Blackberry, boysenberry.

Jerry:
Boysenberry, huckleberry.

George Costanza:
Huckleberry, raspberry.

Jerry:
Raspberry, strawberry.

George Costanza:
Strawberry, cranberry.

Jerry:
[pause] Peach.

Jerry:
Ah, you're crazy.

Cosmo Kramer:
Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?

Jerry:
It's impossible.

Cosmo Kramer:
Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top?

Jerry:
It can't be.

Cosmo Kramer:
Can't it? Or is your entire world just crashing down all around you?

Jerry:
All right, that's enough.

Jerry:
Boy, a little too much chlorine in that gene pool.

Cosmo Kramer:
Well, more bad news Jerry. You know the police they found another victim of the Loper in Riverside Park. I saw the photo and it looked a lot like you.

Jerry:
Oh, come on, there's a lot of people walking around the city that look like me.

Cosmo Kramer:
Not as many as there used to be.

Jerry:
The answering machine is like a relationship barometer.

George Costanza:
What IS a barometer?

Cosmo Kramer:
It's pronounced thermometer.

Ronnie:
[to George] I've been living a lie.

George Costanza:
You've been living a lie? I've been living... like twenty.

Cosmo Kramer:
I go to his birthday party, and just before he blew out his candles, he gives me this look.

George Costanza:
Stink eye?

Jerry:
Crook eye?

Cosmo Kramer:
EVIL eye.

Cosmo Kramer:
What're you starting with me for? You know this is my crazy time of year.

Jerry:
It's your third day.

Cosmo Kramer:
I gotta go to work. We'll talk about this later. [Walks out]

Jerry:
[Leaning out the door] Well, call if you're gonna be late.

Mr. Peterman:
Elaine, can you keep a secret?

Elaine:
No sir, I can't.

Cosmo Kramer:
Hoochie Mama.

Jerry:
People don't just bump into each other and have sex. This isn't Cinemax.

Cosmo Kramer:
Well, we're talking to Elaine Benes, adult film star, on the set of her new movie "Elaine Does the Upper West Side".

Elaine:
[making a toast] Here's to those who wish us well, and those who don't can go to hell.

Frank Costanza:
[yelling] Serenity now. Serenity now.

George Costanza:
What is that?

Frank Costanza:
Doctor gave me a relaxation cassette. When my blood pressure gets too high, the man on the tape tells me to say: "SERENITY NOW"

George Costanza:
Are you supposed to yell it?

Frank Costanza:
The man on the tape wasn't specific.

Lloyd Braun:
You know, you should tell your dad that 'serenity now' thing doesn't work. It just bottles up the anger, and eventually, you blow.

George Costanza:
What do you know? You were in the nut house.

Lloyd Braun:
What do you think put me there?

George Costanza:
I heard they found a family in your freezer.

Lloyd Braun:
Serenity now. Insanity later.

Jerry:
Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. Death is #2. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.

[Kramer and Morty are running for Condo President]

Elaine:
Who are they running against?

Jerry:
Common sense and a guy in a wheelchair.

[George is munching on pretzels from a bag]

Cosmo Kramer:
[to George, who is wearing women's glasses] May I have one of those, madame?

Cosmo Kramer:
That's a lotta potatoes.

Jerry:
Yada, Yada, Yada.

George Costanza:
You don't think she'd yada yada sex?

Elaine:
[raising hand] I've yada yada'ed sex.

George Costanza:
Really?

Elaine:
Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisque, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again.

Jerry:
But you yada yada'd over the best part.

Elaine:
No, I mentioned the bisque.

Jerry:
Where's Marcy?

George Costanza:
She went shopping for some shoes for the wedding, and yada yada yada, I'll see her in six to eight months.

Cosmo Kramer:
You know you're not supposed to brush your teeth for 24 hours before you go to the dentist.

Jerry:
I think you're thinking of 'You're not supposed to eat 24 hours before surgery'.

Cosmo Kramer:
Oh, you gotta eat before surgery. You need your strength.

Jerry:
You know you're not Chinese.

George Costanza:
[about a nice, new apartment that Jerry's thinking of getting] Listen, if you are feeling uncomfortable about this at all... *at all*... Do not feel like you have to take it.

Jerry:
Why?

George Costanza:
If you're having second thoughts, if you didn't want it, don't worry about it... because, uh, you know... I-I-I could take it, you know.

Jerry:
You could take it? You want it?

George Costanza:
No, I don't want it. I want it if you don't want it.

Jerry:
So you... *do* want it?

George Costanza:
No, I want it if you don't want it.

Jerry:
You just said you wanted it!

George Costanza:
No. I'm saying, if a situation arose in which you didn't want it, I might take it.

Frank Costanza:
Let me understand, you got the hen, the chicken and the rooster. The rooster goes with the chicken. So, who's having sex with the hen?

George Costanza:
I love the mirror in that bathroom. I don't know what in the hell it is, I look terrific in that mirror. I don't know if its the tile or the lighting... I feel like Robert Wagner in there.

Jerry:
[George comes out of the doctor's office looking puzzled] So how was it?

George Costanza:
I was in there for two minutes. He didn't do anything: touch this / feel that, 75 bucks.

Jerry:
Well, its a first visit.

George Costanza:
Well, its 75 bucks. What, am I seeing Sinatra in there? Am I being entertained? I don't understand this. [long pause] I'm only paying half.

Jerry:
You can't do that.

George Costanza:
Why not?

Jerry:
He's a doctor. You gotta pay what he says.

George Costanza:
Oh no, no, no, no, no. I pay what I say.

Jerry:
I don't even want to talk about it anymore. What were you thinking? What was going on in your mind? Artistic integrity? Where, where did you come up with that? You're not artistic and you have no integrity. You know you really need some help. A regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to like Vienna or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the University level. Like where Freud studied and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once a week for eighty bucks. No. You need a team. A team of psychiatrists working round the clock thinking about you, having conferences, observing you, like the way they did with the Elephant Man. That's what I'm talking about because that's the only way you're going to get better.

[Jerry takes Newman's mail route so Newman can get transfered to Hawaii]

Newman:
Too many people got their mail. Close to 80%. Nobody's ever cracked the 50% barrier.

Jerry:
I tried my best!

Newman:
*Exactly*. You're a disgrace to the uniform.

[Newman rips USPS patch off of coat]

Jerry:
You know, this is your coat.

Newman:
[looks at torn patch] Damn.

Aldon Benes:
Which one's supposed to be the funny guy?

George Costanza:
[pointing to Jerry] Oh, he's the comedian.

Jerry:
I'm just a regular person.

George Costanza:
No, no. He's just being modest.

Aldon Benes:
We had a funny guy with us in Korea. A tailgunner. They blew his brains out all over the Pacific.

[long pause]

Aldon Benes:
There's nothing funny about that.

Elaine:
My father thought George was gay.

Jerry:
It must have been the singing.

Elaine:
No, he pretty much thinks everybody's gay.

Jerry's girlfriend:
I'm sorry, but I can't be with someone whose prot?g? is a hack.

Jerry:
I'm sorry, but I can't be with someone whose mentor is a Costanza.

George Costanza:
[seeing Elaine's dance at an office party] "Sweet fancy Moses"

Jerry:
What are you saying?

Elaine:
I'm not saying anything.

Jerry:
You're saying something.

Elaine:
What could I be saying?

Jerry:
Well you're not saying nothing so you must me saying something.

Elaine:
If I were saying something, I would have said it.

Jerry:
So why don't you say it?

Elaine:
I said it.

Jerry:
What did you say?

Elaine:
Nothing.

Jerry:
I don't know if it's possible, but could you people conduct the psychopath convention down the hall?

George Costanza:
You know, in the cab on the way over here, I actually thought about converting.

Jerry:
To Latvian Orthodox?

George Costanza:
Yeah, why not, what do I care...

Jerry:
Ya know, it's not like changing toothpastes.

Elaine:
I think it would be romantic.

George Costanza:
Really?

Elaine:
Yeah, it's like Edward the Eighth abdicating the throne and marrying Mrs. Simpson. Ooh.

George Costanza:
King Edward. [snapping fingers] Like King Edward, Jerry!

Jerry:
Yeah well King Edward didn't live in Queens with Frank and Estelle Costanza.

George Costanza:
I like DeSoto.

Jerry:
DeSoto? What did he do?

George Costanza:
He discovered Mississippi.

Jerry:
Yeah, like they wouldn't have found that anyway.

Elaine:
Is it possible I'm not as attractive as I think I am?

Jerry:
Anything's possible.

[Kramer has a vanity plate, "Assman", and parks in a reserved hospital zone]

Security guard:
Can I help you?

Cosmo Kramer:
[points to his license plate] Uh, yeah, Doctor Cosmo Kramer. Proctology.

Elaine:
You were born in Italy?

Frank Costanza:
Yeah, that's why I could never become president. That's also why, from an early age, I never had any interest in politics. I refuse to vote. THEY DON'T WANT ME, I DON'T WANT THEM.

George Costanza:
You're killing independent George.

Jerry:
Kramer, I never thought I'd say this, but that's not a bad idea.

Cosmo Kramer:
Giddyup.

Jerry:
Now, get out.

Cosmo Kramer:
Well, you got insurance, right?

Jerry:
No.

Cosmo Kramer:
Well, why not?

Jerry:
Because I spent the money on the Clapco D-29, the state of the art in home security. It does have one design flaw; the door... [closes door] MUST BE CLOSED.

George Costanza:
George is gettin' upset!

Frank Costanza:
George, festivus is your heritage!

George Costanza:
She's got a little Marissa Tomei thing goin' on.

Jerry:
Ah, too bad you've got a little George Costanza thing goin' on.

Priest:
[Jerry is in a confessional booth] Tell me your sins, my son.

Jerry:
Well, I should tell you that I'm Jewish.

Priest:
That's no sin.

Jerry:
Oh, good.

[talking about being on the dating scene]

Estelle Costanza:
Well, I'm out there, George.

George Costanza:
No, you're not out there.

Estelle Costanza:
I am, too.

George Costanza:
You're not out there! You can't be, because *I* am out there. And if I see *you* out there, there's not enough voltage in this world to electroshock me back into coherence!

Jerry:
Kramer, I can't do that. It's illegal.

Cosmo Kramer:
It's not illegal.

Jerry:
It's against the law.

Cosmo Kramer:
Well, yeah...

Jerry:
Are you sure you want to get married? I mean, it's a big change of life.

Elaine:
Jerry, it's 3 a.m. and I'm at a cock fight. What am I clinging to?

Cosmo Kramer:
Little Jerry is a lean, mean pecking machine.

George Costanza:
Celia is up for parole.

Cosmo Kramer:
[looks at George] Who?

George Costanza:
[looks at Kramer] What?

[both look at Jerry for an explanation]

Jerry:
I'm too tired.

[two noisy people behind him in cinema]

Corinne:
George maybe we should move away.

George Costanza:
That won't be necessary.

[Stands up and turns around to address the noise-makers]

George Costanza:
Shut your traps and stop kicking the seats! We're trying to watch the movie. And if I have to tell you again, I'm gonna take you outside and show you what it's like. Do you understand me? Now, shut your mouths or else I'll shut them for you... and if you think I'm kidding, just try me. Try me. Because, I would LOVE IT!

[Applause]

George Costanza:
So I tell her, 'I think I should leave now'. And she looks at me surprised as if she couldn't understand what had just happened and why I was leaving... The only excuse that I could fathom would be acceptable is to tell her that I am indeed Batman, and I'm sorry I just saw that Bat signal out the window.

Cosmo Kramer:
Jerry, why would I, a Juliard trained dermatologist, recommend that he go to see someone else?

Jerry:
Because you're *not* a dermatologist.

Jerry:
[imitates his girlfriends' bellybutton] Helllllooooo. La, la, la.

[At Tim Whatley's party]

Elaine:
This place is like Studio 54, with a menorah.

Jerry:
That... is one magic loogie.

Jerry:
I prefer to do my own material.

Cosmo Kramer:
That's as good as anything you do.

[George trying to find a parking space]

Elaine:
Why don't you park in a garage?

George Costanza:
...Parking at a garage is like going to a prostitute. Why pay for it when you can apply yourself, and then may be you can get it for free.

Cosmo Kramer:
It's a Festivus miracle.

[Kramer gave blood to Jerry]

Jerry:
I can feel his blood inside of me, borrowing things from my blood.

Jerry:
Hello, 911? How are ya?

[At the diner]

George Costanza:
Are you going to eat that? [takes a bite] Hmmm.

Jerry:
Oh, my god. Don't you realize what happened? Because you started eating while having sex, you associate food with orgasms.

George Costanza:
Are you going to eat that?

Jerry:
No. And I hope that's all you're going to do with it.

Elaine:
[walking over to a party at a Chinese restaurant] Excuse me, my friends over there are going to pay me fifty bucks if I take one of your eggrolls.

Jerry:
Boy, you sure do have a lot of friends, how come I never see any of these people?

Cosmo Kramer:
They want to know how come they never see you.

Elaine:
You know, just admitting that another man is attractive doesn't necessarily make you a homosexual.

George Costanza:
It doesn't help.

Jerry:
Your back hurts because of your wallet. It's huge.

George Costanza:
This isn't just my wallet. It's an organizer, a memory and an old friend.

Jerry:
Well, your friend is morbidly obese.

George Costanza:
Well, at least I don't carry a purse.

Jerry:
It's not a purse, it's European.

Jerry:
So, Puddy, this is a pretty good move for you, huh? No more "grease monkey".

David Puddy:
I don't much care for that term.

Jerry:
Oh. Sorry, I didn't know...

David Puddy:
No, I don't know too many monkeys who could take apart a fuel injector.

Jerry:
I saw one once that could do sign language.

David Puddy:
Yeah, I saw that one. Uh... Koko.

Jerry:
Yeah, Koko.

David Puddy:
Right, Koko. That chimp's alright. High-five.

Jerry:
I'm not wearing the fur coat.

Cosmo Kramer:
Come on, Jerry. If you don't do it, Newman and I are out of the building.

Jerry:
Hmm...

Cosmo Kramer:
Ok, Jerry, just take a good look at what your life would be like without me around.

Jerry:
[thinks for a few seconds] Newman too?

Cosmo Kramer:
Come on.

Ronnie:
I heard you went down to this woman's office and heckled her.

Jerry:
Damn right. It's time we stopped being lapdogs. Who are they to heckle us? It's time one of us drew a line in the sand.

Ronnie:
I gotta tell you, everybody's talking about it. You're like Rosa Parks. You've opened a brand new door for all of us. I can't wait for the next time that somebody heckles me.

Jerry:
Well, that shouldn't be long...

Cosmo Kramer:
I thought you said she stinks.

Jerry:
She does stink. And she should quit. But I don't want it to be because of me. It should be the traditional route: years of rejections and failures until she's spit out the bottom of the porn industry.

[in Jerry's apartment]

Jerry:
Why did you have to open your big mouth?

Cosmo Kramer:
What?

Jerry:
George doesn't need to hear that his girlfriend looks like me. Neither do I, for that matter. First the Sally Weaver thing, now this.

Cosmo Kramer:
You're just mad because you're having a bad day.

Jerry:
Yes. Because of you.

Cosmo Kramer:
Well, in that case I think one of us should leave.

[Kramer and Jerry stare at each other and don't move]

George Costanza:
In high school it was always "Bonjour, le George", "How's it going le George?", "Hey, let's stuff le George in le locker".

Jerry:
A house in the Hamptons?

George Costanza:
Yeah. I figured since I was lying about my income for a couple of years, I could afford a fake house in the Hamptons.

[Kramer walks in with cigars]

Cosmo Kramer:
Hey, boys. Here you go. It's celebration time.

George Costanza:
Why?

Cosmo Kramer:
You remember that coffee table book I wrote?

Jerry:
Yeah.

Cosmo Kramer:
Well, the company sold the movie rights to it.

George Costanza:
How are they going to make that book into a movie?

Cosmo Kramer:
You remember that toy ray gun book? "Independence Day".

Jerry:
Oh. So, how much are they paying you?

Cosmo Kramer:
Well, let's just say that I won't have to work for a long, LONG time.

Jerry:
That's funny. Because I haven't seen you work in a long, LONG time.

Cosmo Kramer:
I'm officially retired.

Jerry:
From what?

Jerry:
[about Kramer] If you feed him, he'll never leave.

[George peed in a public shower]

George Costanza:
It's not good to hold it in. I read that in a medical journal.

Jerry:
Did the medical journal mention anything about standing in a pool of somebody else's urine?

Jerry:
You know, I never expected that movie...

Lisi, Elaine's Friend:
To end under water.

Jerry:
To be so long. Usually movies like that...

Lisi, Elaine's Friend:
Are a lot more violent.

Jerry:
Are a lot shorter.

Lisi, Elaine's Friend:
I should...

Jerry:
Get going.

[Jerry's kitchen is full of sausages]

Jerry:
What's this? You said you were watching a video.

Cosmo Kramer:
Yeah, an instructional video on how to make your own sausage.

Jerry:
Hey, Kramer, you want to go down to the Bronx and help me take flyers off George's car?

Cosmo Kramer:
[without hesitating] Sure.

Jerry:
Could've said just about anything, couldn't I?

[Jerry notices an art book on the table]

Jerry:
What is THAT book doing on the table?

Elaine:
What? What is wrong with this book?

Jerry:
That book has been on a wild ride. It's been in the bathroom.

Elaine:
ALL RIGHT. Move it. Biohazard coming through.

Mr. Peterman:
Elaine, up until a few minutes ago, I was convinced I was on the receiving end of the oldest baker's grift in the books - The Enterman's Shim Sham. Until I remembered my security camera, which I installed to catch other Walter using my latrine.

Elaine:
But, Mr. Peterman, I...

Mr. Peterman:
Elaine, I have a question for you - is the item still with you?

Elaine:
I guess so...

Mr. Peterman:
Elaine, do you have any idea what happens to a butter-based frosting after sitting 60 years in a poorly ventilated English basement? I have a feeling that what you are about to go through is punishment enough. Dismissed.

Jerry:
[to George] You, my friend, have crossed the line between man and bum.

Cosmo Kramer:
No, she was completely topless.

George Costanza:
How good of a look did you get?

Jerry:
What do you mean?

George Costanza:
Say she was a criminal and you had to describe her to the police...

Jerry:
They'd pick her up in about ten minutes.

Cosmo Kramer:
[lighting up a cigarette, talking to a bar patron] What? Oh, these? I suck 'em down like Coca Cola.

Jackie Chiles:
You fool. You're having her try the bra on over a leotard. Of course the bra isn't going to fit on a leotard. A bra's got to go up against the skin. Like a glove.

[Jerry got his dad a shirt that says "#1 Dad"]

Morty Seinfeld:
Jerry, this is the most thoughtful gift you've ever given me.

Jerry:
You know, I bought you a Cadillac... Twice.

[Knock on door]

Jerry:
[opens door, and sees three Cuban guys] Yes?

Cuban Man:
Jerry Seinfeld?

Jerry:
Yeah. Oh, you must be Kramer's guys. So, you got the cigars?

Cuban Man:
What cigars?

Jerry:
Kramer told me I was supposed to pick up some Cubans.

Cuban Man:
Yes. We are the Cubans.

Jerry:
[to Elaine] And yet, we've discovered another talent - posing as a girlfriend for homosexuals.

Jerry:
Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep fried in chocolate sauce.

Newman:
I love broccoli. It's good for you.

Jerry:
Really? Then maybe you'd like to have a piece?

Newman:
Gladly.

[Newman spits it out]

Newman:
Vile weed!

Cosmo Kramer:
You want to get outta here? Here's what we do. We leave the car here, we take the plates off, we scratch the serial number off the engine block, and we walk away.

Jerry:
Walk away?

Cosmo Kramer:
You've got insurance. You tell them that the car was stolen, and then you get another one free.

Jerry:
Isn't there a deductible?

Cosmo Kramer:
All right, what is your deductible?

Jerry:
I don't know.

Cosmo Kramer:
Yes, because they've already deducted it.

Jerry:
From what?

Cosmo Kramer:
The car, which we're leaving. So the net is zero. See you pocket the money, if there is any, and you get a new car.

Jerry:
We're not leaving the car.

Cosmo Kramer:
All right. If you refuse to grow up and scam your insurance company, you'll have to work this out with maroon Golf.

Jerry:
I learned something. Letting my emotions out was the best thing that's ever happened to me. Sure, I'm not funny anymore. There's more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations.

Jerry:
1%? They can kiss 1% of my ass.

Elaine:
A gigolo? Did I drive you to this kind of lifestyle?

George Costanza:
Yes, you. You and every woman like you.

Jerry:
So, did they get tired of Koko yet?

George Costanza:
Oh yeah. [holds up a baseball t-shirt that reads "KOKO 00"]

Jerry:
Zero zero?

George Costanza:
That's ooo. As in ooo-ooo-aaa-aaa.

[the last lines of dialogue of the last show are the same as the first lines of dialogue of the pilot]

Jerry:
See, now to me, that button is in the worst possible spot.

George Costanza:
Really?

Jerry:
Oh, yeah. The second button is the key button. It literally makes or breaks the shirt. Look at it. It's too high. It's in no man's land.

George Costanza:
Haven't we had this conversation before?

Jerry:
You think?

George Costanza:
I think we have.

Jerry:
Yeah, maybe we have.

[George is wearing a toupee]

Elaine:
YOU'RE BALD.

George Costanza:
Correction. I WAS bald.

[George is planning to name his 1st child "Seven"]

Jerry:
Hmmm, "Seven Costanza". Yep, I can see it now: Seven periods of school per day, seven beatings a day, seven stitches per beating, followed by seven years to life.

[a bomb-diffusing robot opens a drawer in George's desk, revealing a Playboy and some candy bars]

George Steinbrenner:
So... it's just empty calories and male curiosity, eh, Georgie?

Jerry:
[about David Puddy] Elaine, you always care when an ex-girlfriend dates. You don't want it to be someone you know and you don't want it to be someone better than you. While the latter is obviously impossible, the former still applies.

[Puddy is wearing a bright orange jacket with an 8 ball on it]

Elaine:
What's this? What happened to your fur?

David Puddy:
I saw Jerry wearing his. He looked like a bit of a dandy. Check this out. 8 ball. You got a question, you ask the 8 ball.

Elaine:
So you're going to wear this all the time?

David Puddy:
All signs point to yes.

George Costanza:
I answered a personals ad from the Daily Worker.

Jerry:
The Daily Worker has personals?

George Costanza:
And - get this - they said that appearance wasn't important.

Jerry:
Yours or hers?

Cosmo Kramer:
See? This is why you need a fax machine and a copier.

Jerry:
And a deadbolt.

Elaine:
Where's Kramer?

Jerry:
Who knows? It's like asking where's Waldo.

George Costanza:
Only I could fail at failing.

[George is buying a wig]

Jerry:
Why don't you just get a pair of white shoes, move down to Miami Beach and get this whole thing over with?

Newman:
I propose... AN ALLIANCE.

Jerry:
An alliance?... Deal.

[Jerry and Newman share an evil laugh]

Jerry:
[stops laughing abruptly] Now, get the hell out of here.

George Costanza:
What about being a sports commentator? You know how I always make those witty comments during a game?

Jerry:
You do make good comments.

George Costanza:
So?

Jerry:
Well, they generally give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people, you know, in broadcasting.

George Costanza:
[pause] Well that's really not fair.

Jerry:
I know.

George Costanza:
[talking about his whale expedition] So I reached in... felt around... and pulled out the obstruction.

[pulls out a golf ball]

Cosmo Kramer:
Is that a Titleist? Well a hole in one, huh.

Frank Costanza:
My George isn't clever enough to hatch a scheme like this.

Elaine:
You got that right.

Frank Costanza:
What the hell does that mean?

Elaine:
That means whatever the hell you want it to mean.

Frank Costanza:
You saying you want a piece of me? [hits his chest]

Elaine:
I could drop you like a bag of dirt.

Frank Costanza:
[yelling] You want a piece of me? You got it!

Elaine:
[grabs George's wig] I DON'T LIKE THIS THING. AND HERE'S WHAT I'M DOING WITH IT.

[George wants the nickname "T-Bone"]

George Costanza:
Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement. From now on, I will be known as...

Kruger:
Koko the Monkey.

George Costanza:
But I really want to leave my mark this time. Like remember that summer at Dairy Queen when I cooled my feet in the soft serve?

Jerry:
So you want to go out in a final blaze of incompetence?

George Costanza:
Flame on.

Izzy Mandelbaum:
Your son's pretty funny, Morty. He oughta be a comedian.

Jerry:
Actually, I am a comedian.

Izzy Mandelbaum:
That's not funny.

David Puddy:
Feels like an Arby's night.

[George is on his hands and knees, looking for change under a vending machine]

Jerry:
[taps machine] I think the candy comes out over there.

George Costanza:
People can drop change down here, Jerry. And they're too lazy to pick it up.

Jerry:
Either that, or they've got a little hang-up about lying face-down in filth.

Frank Costanza:
I'm like the Phoenix, rising from Arizona.

Cosmo Kramer:
You're becoming one of the glitterati.

George Costanza:
What's that?

Cosmo Kramer:
People who glitter.

Jerry:
Well, maybe Kruger wasn't for you.

George Costanza:
But they seemed so disorganized...

[George is wearing prescription goggles]

George Costanza:
I got to get out of this city.

Jerry:
So you're tunnelling to the center of the earth?

George Costanza:
Come on, Jerry, you know how these inter-office politics work.

Jerry:
I've never had a job.

[Elaine is trying to prove that Jerry always breaks even]

Elaine:
Do you have a twenty?

Jerry:
What for?

Elaine:
Let's see if you get the twenty bucks back.

[Jerry hands Elaine a twenty and she throws it out the window]

Jerry:
You know, you could've thrown a PENCIL out the window and see if I got that back...

George Costanza:
Why do they make the condom packets so hard to open?

Jerry:
Probably to give the woman a chance to change her mind.

George Costanza:
You know what this has to do with? The man in the cape. I bet you he is mixed up in this. I don't trust men in capes.

Jerry:
You can't cast dispersions on someone just because they're wearing a cape. Superman wore a cape. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and let you say anything bad about him.

George Costanza:
All right, Superman's the exception.

Marlene:
I can't be with someone if I don't respect what they do.

Jerry:
You're a cashier.

Jerry:
Why didn't you tell her your code?

George Costanza:
I can't give away my code to her.

Jerry:
George, you're gonna marry this woman... probably.

George Costanza:
No way. The bank clearly says "Don't give away your code to anyone".

Jerry:
So, you're taking relationship advice from "Chemical Bank" now?

George Costanza:
Why does it always have to be "us"? Why can't there be a little "me"? Is that so selfish?

Jerry:
Actually, that's the definition of selfish.

Jerry:
So your saying UNICEF is a scam?

Cosmo Kramer:
It's the perfect cover for a money laundering operation . No one can keep track of all those kids with the little orange boxes of change.

[everybody at Kruger is exchanging Christmas gifts]

Kruger:
Hey, George. Merry Christmas. Here you go.

[gives George his gift]

George Costanza:
Thank you, sir. Here's your gift.

Kruger:
[takes envelope] "A donation has been made in your name to the Human Fund"?... Whatever.

George Costanza:
Exactly.

Jerry:
Have ya been to the Motor Vehicle Bureau? Its a leper colony there.

Elaine:
So, basically what you're saying is 95% of the population is undatable?

Jerry:
UNDATABLE.

Elaine:
So how are all these people gettin' together?

Jerry:
Alcohol.

George Costanza:
I gotta call Elaine.

Jerry:
She's out.

George Costanza:
Oh, yeah. The blind date.

Jerry:
They call it a setup, now. I guess the blind people don't like being associated with all those losers.

Cosmo Kramer:
I bought a chicken.

George Costanza:
[to Jerry] Allow me. [to Kramer] Why?

Cosmo Kramer:
Cage-free farm-fresh eggs.

Jerry:
[to George] Allow me. [to Kramer] What are you, an idiot?

[George's new self-appointed nickname is T-Bone]

Jerry:
Why not "G-Bone"?

George Costanza:
There's no G-Bone.

Jerry:
There's a g-spot.

George Costanza:
HEY. That's a myth.

Elaine:
Jerry, it's B.O.

Jerry:
But the whole car smells.

Elaine:
So?

Jerry:
So when somebody has B.O., the "O" usually stays with the "B". Once the "B" leaves, the "O" goes with it.

Cosmo Kramer:
I'll tell ya, if I could do it over, I would give it all up to be a fireman.

Jerry:
Yeah, civil servants who risk their lives really have it made.

George Costanza:
I'm the bad boy. I've never been the bad boy.

Jerry:
You've been the bad employee, the bad son, the bad friend...

George Costanza:
Yes, yes, yes...

Jerry:
The bad fianc?, the bad dinner guest, the bad credit risk...

George Costanza:
Okay, the point is made.

Jerry:
The bad date, the bad sport, the bad citizen...

[George leaves]

Jerry:
The bad tipper!

[Kramer covers himself in butter]

Cosmo Kramer:
Jerry, I'm fried.

Jerry:
Technically, you're saut?ed.

[George is thinking of starting his own charity]

George Costanza:
This could be my chance to give something back.

Jerry:
You want to give something back, start with the $20,000.

[talking about his love of the word "manure"]

George Costanza:
When you consider the other choices, "manure" is actually pretty refreshing.

Jerry:
You know, I don't get it. Since when are you not allowed to ask a Chinese man where a Chinese restaurant is? I mean, aren't we getting a little too sensitive here? If someone asks me, "which direction is Israel," I don't go flying off the handle.

Jerry:
So you're upset that this bizarre carpet cabal made no attempt to brainwash you.

George Costanza:
They could've at least tried...

Jerry:
No, George. She's coming over and not cleaning. It's like I'm seeing a prostitute.

George Costanza:
How much are you paying this maid?

Jerry:
$40.

George Costanza:
$40? I pay my maid $60, she doesn't do my laundry, and I'm gettin' nothing.

George Costanza:
Who buys an umbrella anyway? You can get them for free at the coffee shop in those metal cans.

Jerry:
Those belong to people.

Jerry:
[to Elaine] See... I have two friends. You were up, he was down. Now he's up and you're down. See how it all evens out for me?

George Costanza:
You could always move in with my parents.

Elaine:
Was that the OPPOSITE of what you were going to say? Or was that your instinct?

George Costanza:
Instinct.

Elaine:
Stick with the opposite.

George Costanza:
So, did you get your new plates?

Cosmo Kramer:
Oh... yeah. I got my new plates. But they mixed them up. Somebody got mine and I got their vanity plates.

George Costanza:
What do they say?

Cosmo Kramer:
Assman.

Jerry:
Assman?

Cosmo Kramer:
Yeah. Assman, Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman!

Jerry:
Who would order a license plate that says "Assman"?

George Costanza:
Maybe they're Wilt Chamberlain's.

Jerry:
It doesn't have to be someone who gets a lot of women. It could be just some guy with a big ass.

Cosmo Kramer:
Yeah, or it could be a proctologist.

Jerry:
Yeah. Proctologist.

George Costanza:
Come on! No doctor would put that on his car.

Cosmo Kramer:
Have you ever met a proctologist? Well, they usually have a very good sense of humor. You meet a proctologist at a party, don't walk away. Plant yourself there, because you will hear the funniest stories you've ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they stuck something up there. Never! It's always an accident. Every proctologist story ends in the same way: "It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one."

Cosmo Kramer:
Just tell him you don't want to do the bootleg. I'm sure he'll understand.

Jerry:
People with guns don't understand. That's why they get guns. Too many misunderstandings.

George Costanza:
And to think I'd fail at failing...

Jerry:
Aw, come on, now.

George Costanza:
I feel like I cant do anything wrong.

Jerry:
Nonsense. You do everything wrong.

George Costanza:
You think so?

Jerry:
Absolutely. I have no confidence in you.

George Costanza:
Well, I guess I'll just have to pick myself up, dust myself off, and throw myself right back down again.

Jerry:
That's the spirit. You suck.

Jerry:
It's Jerry. Who's this?

Valerie:
It's Valerie.

Jerry:
Oh hi, Valerie. What's up?

Valerie:
I'll tell you what's up - my stepmother is violently ill. So I hit the number for poison control and I get you.

Jerry:
Wow, poison control? That's even higher than Number One. Hello?

[Kramer wants to watch a video in Jerry's apartment]

Jerry:
Why don't you watch it at your place?

Cosmo Kramer:
I'm taping Canadian parliament on C-SPAN.

Jerry:
You wouldn't it broccoli even if it was deep fried in chocolate.

Newman:
What? I love broccoli.

Jerry:
Oh yeah? Taste.

[Newman tastes the broccoli and spits it up]

Newman:
Vile weed.

Jerry:
You got the job?

George Costanza:
Jerry, it's fantastic. I love the people over there, th-they're treating me so great. You know, they think I'm handicapped. They gave me this incredible office, a great view.

Jerry:
Ho-Hold on, they think you're handicapped?

George Costanza:
Yeah, yeah. Yeah well, because of the cane. You should see the bathroom they gave me.

Jerry:
Ho-How can you do this?

George Costanza:
Look, Jerry let's face it. I've always been handicapped. I'm just now getting the recognition for it.

Cosmo Kramer:
Yeah, well I'll tell ya, she's a full figured gal.

Jerry:
Is she?

Cosmo Kramer:
Oh you better believe it buddy.

Jerry:
Well, I cashed the checks, the checks bounced, and now my Nana's missing.

Cosmo Kramer:
Well don't look at me.

Jerry:
It's your fault.

Cosmo Kramer:
My fault? Your Nana is missing because she's been passing those bum checks all over town and she finally pissed off the wrong people.

Newman:
You see, certified mail is always registered, but registered mail is not necessarily certified.

Newman's Girlfriend:
I could listen to you talk all day about mail.

Newman:
I'll tell you a little secret about zip codes: they're meaningless.

[Kramer wants to use George's car to rescue a "pig-man" from the hospital]

Cosmo Kramer:
You got room for the pig-man?

George Costanza:
The pig-man can take the bus.

Cosmo Kramer:
You know, if the pig-man had a car, he'd give you a ride.

George Costanza:
How do you know? What if Pigman had a two-seater?

Cosmo Kramer:
Be realistic George.

[scoffs]

Cosmo Kramer:
Well, our rickshaw is gone. We strapped it to a homeless guy and he bolted.

Jerry:
Well, you know, 80% of all homeless rickshaw businesses fail within the first six months.

Cosmo Kramer:
[to Newman] We should've got some collateral from him. Like his bag of cans, or his... other bag of cans.

Girlfriend:
You're insane.

Jerry:
Oh yes, quite.

[Kramer enters]

Jerry:
Of course, it's a sliding scale.

Jerry:
I bruised my lip. I was drinking a cel ray, brought it up too fast, and I accidentally knocked your toothbrush into the toilet, and I was unable to tell you before you could use it.

Jenna:
When were you going to tell me this?

Jerry:
Obviously never.

Cosmo Kramer:
[toasting] Here's to feeling good all the time.

George Costanza:
I've discovered something even better than conjugal visit sex... *fugitive sex*. Now, it's like every time [Jerry interrupts]

Jerry:
George, this is a little too much for me. Escaped convicts, fugitive sex... I've got a cockfight to focus on.

Cosmo Kramer:
Well, I've got gonorrhea.

Elaine:
That seems about right.

Newman:
[to rickshaw pullers] Ok, bring it down to the end of the block, make a controlled turn and bring it back, let's see what you got, go.

Cosmo Kramer:
Hey, where's he going?

Newman:
I think he's stealing our rickshaw.

Cosmo Kramer:
Oh then he's out.

Homeless Man:
I'll take the job.

[pause]

Homeless Man:
Potato salad!

Jerry:
Patty wants me to be more emotional and express my feelings.

George Costanza:
What do you care what she thinks?

Jerry:
Good body.

David Puddy:
[to Elaine] I'll be back. We'll make out.

Elaine:
Well, I'm going to hell.

Jerry:
That seems about right.

Dr. Sarah Sitarides:
Wow, restaurant. Flowers...

Jerry:
Well, I'm a classy guy. How's the life-saving business?

Dr. Sarah Sitarides:
It's fine.

Jerry:
Well, it must take a really big zit to kill a man.

Dr. Sarah Sitarides:
What is with you?

Jerry:
You say you're a dermatologist? Well, I call you Pimple Popper, MD.

[Elaine is trying to put a store out of business]

Elaine:
Hey, Kramer, do you still have that pricing gun? [to Jerry] That place is about to have the sale of the century. Nothing over 99 cents.

Jerry:
Still a ripoff.

[Jerry is checking out an upper-class apartment]

Sales Woman:
Mr. Varnsen, if you like the apartment, I should let you know that we've also had some interest from a wealthy industrialist.

Jerry:
Not Pennypacker.

Sales Woman:
You know him?

Jerry:
I wish I didn't. Brace yourself, madam, for an all-out bidding war. But this time, advantage Varnsen.

Mr. Ross:
I don't think there's any greater tragedy than when parents outlive their children.

George Costanza:
Yes, I hope my parents die long before I do.

[at a New York Marathon party]

Jerry:
[discussing the possibility of Elaine moving into Jerry's building] You have no idea what an idiot is. Elaine just gave me a chance to get out and I didn't take it.

[Points to himself]

Jerry:
This is an idiot.

George Costanza:
Is that right?

[showing him up]

George Costanza:
I just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex and floor seats for every sporting event in Madison Square Garden. So please, a little respect. For I am Costanza, Lord of the Idiots.

Roxanne:
[yelling out the window] You're all winners!

George Costanza:
But suddenly, a new contender has emerged...

[George is talking about himself in the third person]

George Costanza:
I think it's time for George's lunch.

George Steinbrenner:
Yes, it is. Let's see what I got today. Ham and cheese again. And she forgot the fancy mustard. I love that fancy mustard. You could put that fancy mustard on a shoe and it would taste pretty good to me.

[George is buying invitations]

Sales Clerk:
Have you been in here before?

George Costanza:
About a year ago. Wedding invitations.

Sales Clerk:
How did that work out?

George Costanza:
No complaints.

Jerry:
George, I am loving this no wallet thing.

George Costanza:
A man carries a wallet.

Jerry:
You know, the very fact that you oppose this makes me think I'm on to something.

Jerry:
[to Newman] I'll do it. For whatever it takes, for as long as it takes me, as long as it takes you away from me.

[Elaine changes the presets on Puddy's car]

George Costanza:
So did you give that radio the ol' switcheroo?

Elaine:
I did.

Jerry:
And the Christian rock?

Elaine:
Resurrected.

Girlfriend:
Unfortunately, I didn't have a partner. I got gonorrhea from a tractor.

Jerry:
You got gonorrhea from a tractor? And you call that the tractor story?

Girlfriend:
Yeah, my boyfriend said I got it while I was riding the tractor in my bathing suit.

Jerry:
All right, that's it for me. You've been great. Good night, everybody.

Morty Seinfeld:
We just came for the funeral.

Helen Seinfeld:
Poor Marvin Kessler. He went too early.

Jerry:
He was 96 years old.

Morty Seinfeld:
And that had nothing to do with it. The man was out of shape.

Jerry:
So how's the fornicating gourmet?

George Costanza:
Doing quite well. Yesterday for lunch, I had a soft-boiled egg and a quickie. Now, if I could add TV to the equation, that would really be the ultimate.

Jerry:
George, we're trying to have a civilization here.

Jerry:
I think that's what's good for the goose is good for the gander.

George Costanza:
What is a gander, anyway?

Jerry:
It's a goose that's had the ol' switcheroo pulled on it.

[Kramer's face is haggard from smoking]

Jerry:
It's from all that smoke. You've experienced a lifetime of smoking in 72 hours. What did you expect?

Cosmo Kramer:
Well, emphazema, birth defects, cancer... but not this! Jerry, my face is my livelihood, my allure... my twinkle! Everything I have I owe to this face.

Jerry:
And your teeth... they're all brown.

Cosmo Kramer:
Look away. I'm hideous.

Cosmo Kramer:
You know, they botched my vasectomy?

Jerry:
They botched it?

Cosmo Kramer:
I'm even more potent now.

Jerry:
You're giving up that easily?

Newman:
I usually do.

Jerry:
Newman, you cant let the dream die. You moving away is my dream too.

Jerry:
You with these too?

George Costanza:
I just cut a deal with Jimmy. We're going to import a case of them together. And Jimmy's got a proven sales method - he jumps.

Jerry:
Jimmy's got a backer. Jimmy's jumping for dollars. Jimmy and George are going to get rich.

[Jerry cries for the first time]

Jerry:
What is this salty discharge?

Cosmo Kramer:
I'm at the corner of 1st and 1st... How can the same street intersect with itself? It must be at the nexus of the universe.

Jerry:
I hear that all the time.

Elaine:
What?

Jerry:
That I'm gay. People think I'm gay.

Elaine:
People ask me that about you all the time.

Jerry:
Yeah, because I'm thin, I'm single, and I'm neat.

George Costanza:
Guess that leaves me in the clear...

George Costanza:
Maybe if he could see me with some of my black friends...

Jerry:
That would be great except that you don't really have any black friends. [pauses] Outside of us, you don't really have any white friends, either...

Jerry:
And what is his stand on abortion?

Elaine:
What?

Jerry:
What is his stand... on abortion?

Elaine:
Well, I'm sure he's pro-choice.

Jerry:
How do you know?

Elaine:
Because he... Well... He's just so good-looking.

Jerry:
Well, you should probably ask. Because if he's gonna be coming over with those Pokeno's Pizzas... could be trouble.

George Costanza:
And as punishment, I should get to sleep with Elaine.

Jerry:
That's not punishing me, that's punishing Elaine. And cruelly, I might add...

Jerry:
[about to go watch an operation] Let's watch them slice this fat bastard up.

[Jerry nearly drowns the pool guy]

Elaine:
How can you show your face around there?

Jerry:
Oh, I cant. They revoked my membership. Newman's, too. We cant go anywhere near there.

[Elaine's boyfriend is poor]

George Costanza:
Who is this, Blue Arrow?

Elaine:
No, the Green Lantern.

Jerry:
His superpower is lack of money.

Elaine:
All right.

Jerry:
He's invulnerable to creditors.

Elaine:
We get it.

Jerry:
He's the "Got No Green" Lantern.

[George collides with an Andrea Doria survivor]

Cosmo Kramer:
The Andrea Doria collided with the Stockholm 20 miles off the cost of Nantucket.

George Costanza:
How do you know?

Cosmo Kramer:
It's in my book, "Astonishing Tales Of The Sea". 51 people died.

George Costanza:
51 people? I thought it was more like 1000.

Cosmo Kramer:
There were 1,560 survivors.

George Costanza:
That's no tragedy. How many people do you lose on a normal cruise? 30?

George Costanza:
I got to go home and take a nap.

Jerry:
It's 10:30 in the morning.

George Costanza:
I'll tell you, I am wiped.

Jerry:
Why are you buttering your face?

Cosmo Kramer:
I'm shaving with it.

Jerry:
Oh Moses, smell the roses.

[Kramer starts the Peterman Reality Tour]

George Costanza:
I think I understand this. J. Peterman is real. His biography is not. Now, you Kramer are real.

Cosmo Kramer:
Talk to me.

George Costanza:
But your life is Peterman's. Now the bus tour, which is real, takes to places that, while they are real, they are not real in sense that they did not *really* happen to the *real* Peterman which is you.

Cosmo Kramer:
[to Jerry] Understand?

Jerry:
Yeah. It's $37.50 for a Three Musketeers.

Cosmo Kramer:
Do you have any idea how much time I waste in this apartment?

Jerry:
I could ballpark...

[Kramer has an intern]

Intern:
Mr. Newman on line 2...

Jerry:
Line 2?

Cosmo Kramer:
Yeah, your phone is line 1.

Cosmo Kramer:
See, this is what the holidays are all about. Three buddies sitting around chewing gum.

[George and Kramer are going to test Kramer's bladder system]

George Costanza:
Did you get the video camera?

Jerry:
Yeah, I got a three hour tape. That should be enough to cover the experiment, the arrest, and most of your trial.

Cosmo Kramer:
You let out one emotion, and all the rest will follow. Just like Andora's box.

Jerry:
That was the mother on "Bewitched." I think you mean "Pandora."

Cosmo Kramer:
Yeah, well, she had one too.

Elaine:
Hey, Jerry, when do you consider sex has taken place?

Jerry:
I'd say when the nipple makes its first appearance.

George Costanza:
And I got a job interview. It's in sports.

Jerry:
Mets? Rangers?

George Costanza:
Playground equipment.

Jerry:
Welcome back to the show.

George Costanza:
I ate that entire platter. Had to call in sick today.

Jerry:
Didn't you call in sick yesterday?

George Costanza:
Hey, I work for Kruger Industrial Smoothing, we don't care... and it shows.

Jerry:
[about Newman] He lives down the street from my home. MY HOME, ELAINE. Where I sleep, where I come to play with my toys...

Elaine Benes:
Perhaps there's more to Newman than meets the eye.

Jerry:
No, there's less.

Jerry:
Oh right, the new job. How is it?

George Costanza:
I love it. New office, new salary, I'm the new Wilhelm.

Jerry:
So who's the new you?

George Costanza:
We got an intern from Francis-Louis High. His name is Keith. He comes in Mondays after school.

Kruger:
The head has been smoothed down to the size of a golf ball. What do we do?

George Costanza:
Well, we could smooth the head down to nothing, stick a pumpkin under its arm and change the name to Icabod Crane.

[everyone begins laughing]

George Costanza:
Alright, that's it for me, you've been great! Good night, everybody.

Elaine:
Why does everything have to be so... jokey with you?

Jerry:
I'm a comedian.

Jerry:
Who knows where she gets any of those losers...

George Costanza:
You're on that list.

Elaine:
I got shooshed during Desperado.

Jerry:
Desperado? And you're still dating him? I'll tell you who sounds a little desperado...

[about Festivus]

Cosmo Kramer:
What do you use for decoration?

Frank Costanza:
An aluminum pole. I find tinsel distracting.

[Jerry's girlfriend has a huge toy collection]

Jerry:
WOW. An original G.I. Joe. With a full Frogman suit...

Girlfriend:
Jerry, what are you doing?

Jerry:
I'm putting this on him and we're going to the sink.

George Costanza:
We think it was Saddam Hussein, but he had a British accent, so we're not sure.

George Costanza:
I was free and clear. I was living the dream. I was stripped to the waist eating a block of cheese the size of a car battery.

Jerry:
Before we go any further, I'd just like to point out how disturbing it is that you equate eating a block of cheese with some sort of bachelor paradise.

[explaining why Elaine won't be accompanying him to Africa]

Mr. Peterman:
I'm afraid it's your urine, Elaine. You've tested positive for opium.

Elaine:
[astonished] Opium?

Mr. Peterman:
That's right. White Lotus. Yam-yam. Shanghai Sally.

George Costanza:
Oh, see? that's why I don't have cable in my house. Because of that naked station. If I had that in my house, I would never turn it off. I wouldn't sleep, I wouldn't eat. Eventually, firemen would have to break through the door, they'd find me sitting there in my pajamas with drool coming down my face.

George Costanza:
I did happen to pick up one little nugget of entertainment. Have you ever seen Elaine dance?

Jerry:
Elaine danced?

George Costanza:
More like a full-bodied dry heave set to music.

[Kramer is playing opera music on Jerry's stereo]

Jerry:
What the hell is that crap?

Cosmo Kramer:
It's Pagliacci, Jerry.

[Jerry's on the phone with the cops]

Jerry:
But officer, he threatened me. That's not right. What if I was the President of the United States? I'm sure you'd investigate. Well, I'm a comedian in the United States. And believe me, I'm under just as much pressure. All right, thanks anyway. OK, bye.

George Costanza:
They gave me my own personal Rascal, Jerry.

Jerry:
Well, it's comforting to know that you'll be going straight to hell at no more than three miles per hour.

Cosmo Kramer:
Boy, a month in Europe with Elaine. That guy's coming home in a body bag.

[cut to a taxi]

David Puddy:
Well, I've got a ten kroner, a five kroner, a twenty kroner. A fifty kroner? How much is that?

Elaine:
We have to break up.

David Puddy:
What?

Elaine:
Look, I don't care how interesting the change is. And if you tell me what the time is in New York again, [shouts] YOU ARE GOING HOME IN A BODY BAG.

[about Elaine dating Puddy]

Cosmo Kramer:
She's dating him again?

Jerry:
She's batted around and she's back at the top of the order.

Frank Costanza:
I am not allowing my wife to date a bra salesman.

Estelle Costanza:
Hey, he only sells them, he doesn't wear them.

[Tim Whatley converted to Judaism]

Jerry:
Don't you see what Whatley is after? Total joke immunity. He's already got the two major religions covered. If he ever gets Polish citizenship, there'll be no stopping him.

[Elaine comes in wearing Mayan clothes]

Jerry:
Hola.

Elaine:
Shove it.

Jerry:
What's with the get up?

Elaine:
I bought it all at Cinco De Mayo. I wanted to show Putumayo how much business they've lost so I've been strutting and dancing in front of their store all day.

Jerry:
No wonder we've been getting so much rain.

[after a long discussion about Pez]

George Costanza:
What's a three-letter word for "candy"?

Jerry:
I can't do those things.

Jerry:
Don't you see? He's Jewish for two days and he's already making Jewish jokes.

Elaine:
Well, everybody gets drunk the first day they turn 21.

Jerry:
Elaine, booze isn't a religion.

Elaine:
Tell that to my father...

[after Kramer tells everyone he is dating a lesbian]

Jerry:
She has never been with a man in her entire life.

Cosmo Kramer:
...I'm Kramer.

Cosmo Kramer:
Jerry, I know myself. And if I'm on the streets, and it starts to go down, I don't back off, until its finished.

George Costanza:
Here's the outlet.

Slippery Pete:
The what?

George Costanza:
The outlet. Where the electricity comes from.

Slippery Pete:
Oh, you mean the holes.

George Costanza:
You've got to apologize.

Jerry:
Why?

George Costanza:
Because its the mature and adult thing to do.

Jerry:
How does that affect me?

Cosmo Kramer:
You ever dream in 3-D? It's like the Boogie Man is coming RIGHT AT YOU.

[Jerry is dating a gymnast]

Cosmo Kramer:
Jerry, you stand on the threshold of sensual delights that most men dare not dream of.

Jerry:
Boy, you can really talk some trash.

[to George]

Jerry:
I guess that's better than eating it.

Jerry:
Man, you were pretty loaded on that Schnapps last night.

Elaine:
I know. I woke up with this.

[points to her newly-pierced nose]

Jerry:
Oh. Hello tetanus.

Elaine:
David and I will not get back together.

Jerry:
Elaine, breaking up is like knocking over a coke machine. You can't do it in one push, you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.

George Costanza:
All my life, I've wanted to make a great entrance.

Jerry:
You've made some fine exits.

[George's parents are getting a divorce]

Jerry:
It's too bad his parents didn't do that a long time ago. He could have been normal.

George Costanza:
A beautiful, successful, intelligent woman is in love with me and I throw it all away. Now I will spend the rest of my life living alone. I'll sit in my disgusting little apartment, watching basketball games, eating Chinese takeout, walking around with no underwear because I'm too lazy to do the laundry.

Jerry:
You walk around with no underwear.

George Costanza:
Ya, what do you do when you run out of laundry?

Jerry:
I do a wash.

George Costanza:
Why would I spend seven dollars to see a movie that I could watch on TV?

Cosmo Kramer:
Well, why go to a fine restaurant, when you can just stick something in the microwave? Why go to the park and fly a kite, when you can just pop a pill?

Jerry:
Is that your "chicken" making all that noise?

Cosmo Kramer:
Oh, Little Jerry loves the morning.

Jerry:
Who?

Cosmo Kramer:
Little Jerry Seinfeld. Yeah I named my chicken after you.

Jerry:
Thanks, that's very sweet, but that is not a chicken.

Cosmo Kramer:
Of course it is. I picked it out myself.

Jerry:
Well, you picked out a rooster.

Cosmo Kramer:
Well, that would explain Little Jerry's poor egg production.

[George is eating all the shrimp]

Riley:
Hey George, the ocean called, they're running out of shrimp.

George Costanza:
Yeah, well, the jerk store called, they're running out of you.

Riley:
What's the difference? You're their all-time best seller.

George Costanza:
Yeah well... I had sex with your wife.

Board member:
His wife is in a coma.

Cosmo Kramer:
I was returning some pants. I took a short cut in a subway tunnel and fell in some mud, ruining my pants. The very pants I was returning.

Elaine:
I don't understand - you were wearing the pants you were returning?

Cosmo Kramer:
Well, I guess I was.

Elaine:
What were you going to wear home?

Cosmo Kramer:
Elaine, are you listening? I never even got there.

Cosmo Kramer:
Mmm... boy, that Hennigan's goes down smooth. And afterwards you don't even smell. That's right folks. I've just had three shots of Hennigan's and I don't even smell. Imagine: you can walk around drunk all day. That's Hennigan's: no smell, no tell, Scotch

[Elaine's boyfriend as seen a photo of her with her nipple exposed]

Elaine:
Let me tell you, I didn't intentionally bare myself, but now, I wish I had. For it's not me who has been exposed, but you. For I have seen the nipple on your soul.

[Kramer is putting butter on his face]

Jerry:
What the hell are you doing?

Cosmo Kramer:
I ran out of butter, so I had to use yours. Any other questions, Mr. Nosy?

Cosmo Kramer:
The carpet sweeper is the biggest scam perpetrated on the American public since One Hour Martinizing.

Cosmo Kramer:
Say you got a big job interview, and you're a little nervous. Well, throw back a couple shots of Hennigans and you'll be as loose as a goose and ready to roll in no time. And because it's odorless, why, it will be our little secret.

Katya:
In my country, they speak of a man so virile, so potent, that to spend a night with such a man is to enter a world of such sensual delights most women dare not dream of. This man is known as the "Comedian." You may tell jokes, Mr. Jerry Seinfeld, but you are no Comedian.

[Stand-up on birthdays]

Jerry:
All you did was not die for twelve months!

George Costanza:
I'm disturbed, I'm depressed, I'm inadequate, I've got it all!

[Elaine tries to convince Joel Rifkin to change his name]

Elaine:
[mocking] Oh, Stuart's a lot better! "Little Stuart Rifkin likes to go shopping with his mother."

George Costanza:
I don't even like to use urinals, I've always been a stall man.

[pretending they haven't seen each other in years]

George Costanza:
So, what've you been doing with yourself?

Jerry:
I'm a comedian.

George Costanza:
Yeah, well... I really wouldn't know about that. I don't watch much TV. I like to read. What do you do, a lot of that 'Did you ever notice' kind of stuff? It strikes me a lot of guys are doing that kind of humor.

Jerry:
Yeah, yeah...

[long pause]

Jerry:
Boy, you really went bald there, didn't you?

[repeated line]

Jerry:
That's a shame.

Jerry:
Elaine, he's a male bimbo. He's a mimbo!

[about George's Gortex coat]

Cosmo Kramer:
You'd better be careful with that coat... You'll start a war!

Elaine:
It's the pinky toe, what do we need it for?

Jerry:
But Elaine, it's the one that goes wee wee wee all the way home!

Jerry:
I can't take it anymore! She's driving me crazy! I can't sleep, I can't leave the house, and I'm here, I'm climbin' the walls. Meanwhile, I'm dating a virgin, I'm in this contest - something's gotta give!

Enzo:
How'd you like to have free haircut for six months?

Newman:
What's the catch?

Enzo:
You're going to get me a sample of Jerry's hair.

Newman:
Hmm, that job sounds like it might be worth a *year's* free haircuts... and a comb!

Elaine:
Well, you know, I... I have watched Peterman run the company.

Cosmo Kramer:
Sure you have.

Elaine:
I know how to do it. Pair of pants, a stupid story, a huge markup. I can do that.

Jerry:
It didn't do me any good either! That benefit was the worst show I ever did. Some of those heckles were really uncalled for: "Avast ye matey" - what the hell does that mean? "20 degrees off the starboard side - the Spanish Galleon!" -there's no comeback for that!

Tony:
I don't understand you. It's your own car we're talking about. You know you wrote the wrong mileage down on the form? You barely know the car. You don't know the mileage, you don't know the tire pressure. When was the last time you even checked the washer fluid?

Jerry:
The washer fluid is fine...

Tony:
The washer fluid is not fine!

Cosmo Kramer:
Is this oak?

Mr. Lager:
Think it's pine.

Cosmo Kramer:
Pine is good.

Mr. Lager:
Yeah, pine's okay.

Mr. Lager:
Well , we've discussed this, here's the feeling: You got a greeting, starts with an H, how's twenty bucks sound?

Cosmo Kramer:
I'll take it.

Mr. Lager:
Awright, sir

George Costanza:
You ask me to have lunch, tell me you slept with Elaine, and then say you're not in the mood for details. Now you listen to me: I want details and I want them right now. I don't have a job, I have no place to go. You're not in the mood? Well you get in the mood!

George Costanza:
Do women know about shrinkage?

Elaine:
What do you mean? Like laundry?

George Costanza:
No.

Jerry:
Like when a man goes swimming... afterwards...

Elaine:
It shrinks?

Jerry:
Like a frigthened turtle.

Elaine:
Why does it shrink?

George Costanza:
It just does.

Elaine:
I don't know how you guys walk around with those things.

George Costanza:
[upset] Now because of that stupid rye bread I gotta keep them all separated for the rest of my life!

Jerry:
[quietly, sipping coffee] Bad situation...

Cosmo Kramer:
Keith Hernandez!

Newman:
Keith Hernandez! I despise that man!

Jerry:
But are you still master of your domain?

George Costanza:
I'm king of the county. You?

Jerry:
I'm lord of the manor.

Cosmo Kramer:
Congradulations!

Some woman:
What for?

Cosmo Kramer:
You're pregnant... You're not pregnant?

Cosmo Kramer:
I got news for you: handicapped people, they don't even want to park there! They wanna be treated just like anybody else! That's why, those spaces are always empty.

George Costanza:
He's right! It's the same thing with the feminists. You know, they want everything to be equal... everything! But when the check comes, where are they?

Elaine:
What does that mean?

George Costanza:
Yeah! Alright, I'm pulling in.

Susan Biddle Ross:
I don't see why you can't just use a condom.

George Costanza:
Uh uh, no. Condoms are for single men. The day we got engaged, I said goodbye to the condom forever.

Susan Biddle Ross:
Why?

George Costanza:
I can never get the package open in time. It's like "Beat the Clock."

George Costanza:
So you really think Morgan thinks I have a racial bias? This is so unfair. I would've marched on Selma if it was on Long Island.

Jerry:
Maybe.

George Costanza:
This is so unfair. I would've marched on Selma if it was on Long Island.

Jerry:
Trouble!

Elaine:
What?

Jerry:
George.

Elaine:
Is it?

Jerry:
Yeah.

Elaine:
Damn!

[Elaine, George and Jerry are going to see Plan 9 from Outer Space]

Jerry:
Elaine, you don't understand! This isn't plans 1 through 8. This is Plan 9. This is the one that worked. The worst movie ever made.

Jerry:
You know, it's so nice when it happens good.

Cosmo Kramer:
Remember my idea about rickshaws in New York? Well we're gonna make it happen.

Jerry:
No your not.

Cosmo Kramer:
Well Newman knows a guy in the Hong Kong post office.

Jerry:
No he doesn't.

Newman:
He's shipping us a rickshaw. It can't miss.

Jerry:
Yes it can.

George Costanza:
Why don't you find a doctor that doesn't know your difficult?

Elaine:
Oh, come on. I'm not difficult. I'm easy

Jerry:
Why, because you dress casual and sleep with a lot of guys?

Elaine:
Listen to me you, little shi...

George Costanza:
Smile! [And takes a picture of them]

[as a bomb-defusing robot approaches a Godzilla model on George Costanza's desk]

George Steinbrenner:
Wait... What's that thing straight ahead? Is that anything? Is that Mothra?

Jerry:
[in a gym with old equipment] Is this a gym or a fitness museum?

Jerry:
The road less taken is less taken for a reason.

Elaine:
Married women don't "get together". They have affairs.

George Costanza:
Oh my God, an affair. That's so adult. It's like with stockings and martinis, and William Holden. On the other hand it probably wouldn't cost me any money.

George Costanza:
[while waiting in a restaurant, Elaine refuses a bet of $50 to walk over to a table full of strangers and start eating an egg roll] For fifty bucks I'd put my face in their soup and blow.

Uncle Leo:
Jerry... H E L L O

Milosh:
Another point for Milosh!

Izzy Mandelbaum, Izzy Mandelbaum Jr.:
[Mandelbaum's family yelling at the same time in their bed hospitals] Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum

[about George Steinbrenner]

George Costanza:
He fires people like it's a bodily function!

George Costanza:
Why are you home? You're supposed to be out on your route, and getting my calzones for Steinbrenner.

Newman:
Well, I saw that it's raining outside, so I called in sick. I don't work in the rain.

George Costanza:
But... you're a mailman! 'Neither rain, nor sleet, nor snow... ' It's the first one!

Newman:
I've never been much for credos.

George Costanza:
But I'm paying you!

Newman:
Hey, thanks!

Jerry:
The sex is unbelieveable. I was like an animal, just completely uninhibitted.

George Costanza:
Like going to the bathroom in front of a whole bunch of people and not caring.

Jerry:
[short pause] It's not like that at all!

George Costanza:
There is no bigger loser than me!

Cosmo Kramer:
You'll be the world's first pirate!

Jerry:
But I don't wanna be a pirate!

Jerry:
George Costanza... Is getting *married*!

Elaine:
Get out! [shoves Jerry]

George Costanza:
She calls me up at my office, she says, "We have to talk."

Jerry:
Uh, the four worst words in the English language.

George Costanza:
That, or "Who's bra is this?"

Elaine:
Hey, Kramer, listen, you've seen The Omen right? What exactly was that kid?

Cosmo Kramer:
Who, Damien? Nothing, just a mischievous, rambunctious kid.

Elaine:
[after seeing an employee remove a "Vincent" picks sign from the movie store] What are you doing?

Video store employee:
Vincent stopped making picks.

Elaine:
Well, how am I gonna know what movies to see?

Video store employee:
We have a wide variety of Gene Picks.

Elaine:
Gene's trash.

Video store employee:
I'm Gene.

Elaine:
[embarassed] Hi.

Cosmo Kramer:
[being attacked by a man throwing golf clubs while talking to Jerry and Elaine on a cell phone] I think he's done guys. [looks ahead at the driver infront of him]

Cosmo Kramer:
No he's not! He's throwing the WOODS!

Annoying Woman In Movie Theatre:
So I got home... and he was vacumming! I mean, he's twelve years old! Who else, but my Allan, would do something like that? And then last night he put on my high heels. He put on such a show for us, he was dancing around, lip-synching to A Chorus Line. I mean, you can see, he's got talent.

Elaine:
Excuse me... excuse me.

Annoying Woman In Movie Theatre:
What's the problem?

Elaine:
...you're talking.

Jackie Chiles:
[speaking at a rapid clip, about one sentence per second] You put the balm on? Who told you to put the balm on? I didn't tell you to put the balm on. Why'd you put the balm on?

Jerry:
Kramer, these balloons aren't gonna stay filled till New Year's!

Cosmo Kramer:
Well, those aren't for New Year's. Those are my everyday balloons.

[Kramer is modeling for a bachelor auction]

Elaine:
Okay, our next bachelor is Cosmo Kramer. He's... a high school graduate.

Cosmo Kramer:
Equivalency.

Elaine:
Equivalency. High school equivalency program graduate. He's, uh... I don't know, six foot three, one hundred ninety pounds. He likes... fruit, and he just got, um... a haircut.

[Kramer slips off the runway and falls onto a table below]

Elaine:
Do I hear... five bucks?

Jerry:
[Kramer enters] Hey, Jughead.

Cosmo Kramer:
Hi, Archie. [to Elaine] Veronica. [to George] Mr. Weatherbee.

George Costanza:
I have to have my tonsils taken out.

Cosmo Kramer:
Oh, man! No! George, we gotta get you out of here. Get out right now. They'll kill you.

Jerry:
It's routine surgery.

Cosmo Kramer:
Oh, yeah? My friend Bob Sacamano, he came in here for a hernia operation. Oh, yeah, routine surgery. Now he's sitting in a chair by a window going [high-pitched voice] "My name is Bob!"

Cosmo Kramer:
[Kramer just had a seizure] What happened?

Elaine:
Wait, wait, Kramer, the last time you hit your head - was Mary Hart on TV?

Cosmo Kramer:
Yeah.

Elaine:
That's it! That is it! Mary Hart's voice is making you have seizures!

Newman:
[Newman is sneaking through Jerry's apartment trying to cheat at Kramer's and his "Risk" game when he knocks over some of Jerry's cassette tapes] Damn!

Cosmo Kramer:
It's Newman! Quick open the door!

Jerry:
[when Newman escapes from the window and up the stairs to his apartment] I see ya Newman, I see ya!

Cosmo Kramer:
I'm taking the Congo as a penalty!

Elaine:
[about to get a rabies shot] Will this hurt?

Doctor:
Yes, very much.

Babu Bhatt:
You very bad man, Jerry. Very bad man.

Cosmo Kramer:
[Kramer is describing George's hands] Smooth... Creamy... Delicate, yet... Masculine...!

George Costanza:
Don't get worked up, because you're going to know the whole story the minute she walks off the plane.

Jerry:
Really, how?

George Costanza:
Because it's all in the greeting. If she puts the bags down before she greets you, that's a good sign.

Jerry:
Right.

George Costanza:
Anything in the lip area is good.

Jerry:
Lip area, yeah.

George Costanza:
A hug, definitely good.

Jerry:
Hug is good. Although what if its one of those hugs, where the shoulders are touching, and the hips are 8 feet apart.

George Costanza:
Those are brutal.

Jerry:
You know how they do that.

George Costanza:
Also, you know a shake is bad.

Jerry:
Right a shake is bad. But what if its the two-hander? The hand on the bottom, the hand on the top, the warm look in the eyes.

George Costanza:
The hand sandwich.

Jerry:
Right.

George Costanza:
Well, that is open to interpretation because so much depends on the layering, and the quality of the wetness in the eyes.

George Costanza:
The surprise blindfold greeting. That wasn't in the manual.

Newman:
Ah, look, I? I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm a US postal worker and my mail truck was just ambushed by a band of backwoods mail-hating survivalists.

Woman:
I started riding these trains in the forties. Those days a man would give up their seat for a woman. Now we're liberated and we have to stand.

Elaine:
It's ironic.

Woman:
What's ironic?

Elaine:
This, that we've come all this way, we have made all this progress, but you know, we've lost the little things, the niceties.

Woman:
No, I mean what does "ironic" mean?

George Costanza:
[talking about Eldridge's ordeal on the Andrea Doria] Even if he did suffer, that was 40 years ago. What has he done for me lately? I have been suffering for the last 30 years, up to and including yesterday!

George Costanza:
I don't know what it is about that mirror in that bathroom. I love the way I look in it... I feel like Robert Wagner.

[Elaine re-enters a movie theater]

[whispering]

Elaine:
What happened to my seat? Oh, God, where was I?

Man in Theater:
[whispering] Hey, sit down, I can't see.

Woman in Theater:
[whispering] Get out of the way.

Elaine:
[whispering] I can't find my seat.

Woman in Theater:
[whispering] Just move!

Elaine:
No, *you* move!

George Costanza:
I don't even like Drake.

Jerry:
You don't like The Drake?

George Costanza:
I hate The Drake.

Elaine:
I loooooove The Drake!

Jerry:
How could you not like The Drake?

George Costanza:
Who's The Drake?

Elaine:
Who's The Drake!

Jerry:
The Drake is good.

George Costanza:
Someday, before I die, mark my words... I'm gonna tell that woman exactly what I think of her. I'll never be able to forgive myself until I do.

Jerry:
And if you do?

George Costanza:
Well, I still won't be able to forgive myself, but at least it won't be about this.

George Costanza:
I don't like when a woman says, "Make love to me." It's intimidating. The last time a woman said that to me, I wound up apologizing to her.

Jerry:
Really?

George Costanza:
That's a lot of pressure. "Make love to me." What am I, in a circus?

George Costanza:
I'm 33 years old; I haven't outgrown the problems of puberty, I'm already facing the problems of old age. I completely skipped healthy adulthood. I went from having orgasms immediately, to taking forever. You could do your taxes in the time it takes me to have an orgasm. I never had a normal... medium orgasm.

Jerry:
I never had a really good pickle.

Jerry:
This woman's completely ignoring me.

Cosmo Kramer:
Look at her. This is a lonely woman looking for companionship. A spinster... Maybe a virgin. Maybe she got hurt a long time ago. She's a schoolgirl, there was a boy, it didn't work out. So now she needs a little tenderness. She needs a little understanding. Needs a little Kramer.

Jerry:
Then she'll need a little shot of penicillin.

[George has talked his girlfriend Audrey into getting a nose job]

George Costanza:
I'm goin' straight to hell, there's no two ways about it.

Jerry:
It might not be hell, but you're gonna run into some bad dudes.

Elaine:
Mr. Peterman, you can't leave

J. Peterman:
I've already left, Elaine. I'm in Burma.

Elaine:
Burma?

J. Peterman:
You most likely know it as Myanmar, but it will always be Burma to me.

Cosmo Kramer:
Human, it's human to be moved by a fragrance.

Pam:
That is so true.

Cosmo Kramer:
Her bouquet cleaved his hardened...

Newman:
[whispering]... shell.

Cosmo Kramer:
Shell, and fondled his muscled heart. He imbibed her glistening spell, just before the other shoe fell.

Pam:
Kramer, that is so lovely.

Cosmo Kramer:
It's by an unknown 20th century poet.

Pam:
Oh? What's his name?

Cosmo Kramer:
Newman.

Cosmo Kramer:
The cat - mmrrrooowwwrr - is out of the bag!

Cosmo Kramer:
[open's Jerry's door] Hey, come on! I thought we were gonna take a steam!

Jerry:
[who, with George, is thought to be gay] No, no!

George Costanza:
No! No!

Jerry:
No steam!

Cosmo Kramer:
Well, I don't want to sit there all naked by myself!

Dean Jones:
Doing laundry, mending chicken wire, high tea with a Mr. Newman?

Cosmo Kramer:
It may seem glamorous, but it's business as usual at Kramerica.

Dean Jones:
As far as I can tell, your entire enterprise is nothing more than a solitary man with a messy apartment that may or may not contain a chicken!

Cosmo Kramer:
And with Darrin's help, we'll get that chicken!

Dean Jones:
I'm sorry; there's just no way we can allow Darrin to stay with you.

Cosmo Kramer:
Well, this decision seems capricious and arbitrary.

Dean Jones:
Your fly's open.

George Costanza:
[referring to the mystery of his damaged briefcase] This thing is like an onion: the more layers you peel, the more it stinks!

Elaine:
[about Newman] Maybe he's an enigma, a mystery wrapped in a riddle.

Jerry:
Yeah, he's a mystery wrapped in a twinkie.

[Kramer is watching Jeopardy! and getting every question right]

Cosmo Kramer:
Who is Joseph Cotton! Giddy-up!

Cosmo Kramer:
What is pie! Oooh! Giddy-up again!

Cosmo Kramer:
What is the Cha-Cha! Yes, indeed!

[driving in heavy traffic]

Cosmo Kramer:
Well, go around, you buncha crazies! You maniacs are gonna get us all killed!

Elaine:
Jerry, Brett said you ran away from him as if he were the Boogedyman!

Jerry:
Boogeyman.

Elaine:
Boogey?

Elaine:
I stopped having sex three days ago and I don't know no Portuguese.

Jerry:
You see what's happening here? Your lack of sex is having the opposite effect on you that it is on George.

Elaine:
What?

Jerry:
You're stupid, dumb!

Elaine:
I don't understand.

Jerry:
Exactly.

George Costanza:
I was raised to say 'God bless you.'

Jerry:
[sneezes]

George Costanza:
Ah, shut up!

George Costanza:
I flew too close to the sun on wings of pastrami.

Jerry:
Yeah. That's what you did.

Cosmo Kramer:
Somewhere in this hospital, the anguished squeal of Pigman cries out!

Elaine:
Okay, what's your answer to number 74?

Ben:
Uh, metabolic acidosis.

Elaine:
No! Hypokalemia! Not metabolic acidosis! Duh!

Jackie Chiles:
This is the most public yet of my many humiliations.

George Costanza:
You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister!

Jerry:
What does that even mean?

Jerry:
[as Kramer is miming emotions] Well, what does this mean?

Cosmo Kramer:
Well, it's Frank and Estelle's reaction of hearing George's man-love towards She-Jerry.

George Costanza:
[singing to himself to tune of "Everybody's Talkin'" from Midnight Cowboy] Everybody's talkin' at me, I can't hear a word they're sayin'... Just drivin' around in Jon Voight's car...

George Costanza:
You're gonna over-dry your laundry.

Jerry:
You can't over-dry.

George Costanza:
Why not?

Jerry:
Same reason you can't over-wet. You see, when something's wet, it's wet. Same thing with death. Like, once you die, you're dead. Let's say you drop dead and i shoot you. You're not gonna die again, you're already dead. You can't over-die, you can't over-dry.

George Costanza:
Any questions?

Jerry:
[On phone] Hello?

Elaine:
So how's it going with my friend?

Jerry:
She's a sentence finisher. It's like dating Mad Libs.

George Costanza:
[Sometime later] So you slept with her?

Jerry:
She lives right off Riverside Park. I was scared of the Lopper, so I let her stay over.

George Costanza:
And you automatically sleep with her?

Jerry:
I just wanted to make out a little, but she kind of...

George Costanza:
Finished your thought.

Jerry:
Yeah.

Jerry Seinfeld:
Should I suffer the rest of my life because I like to play Ping-Pong?

George Costanza:
[talking to the bank teller] You want me to roll 6000 of these? You want me to quit my job?

Cosmo Kramer:
They're trying to screw with your head.

Jerry Seinfeld:
Now why would a junior high school want to screw with my head?

Cosmo Kramer:
Why does Radio Shack ask for your phone number when you buy batteries? I don't know.

George Costanza:
Hitting is not about muscle. It's simple physics. Calculate the velocity, V, in relation to the trajectory, T, in which G, gravity, of course, remains a constant.

[hits a home run]

George Costanza:
It's not complicated.

Derek Jeter:
Now, who are you again?

George Costanza:
George Costanza. Assistant to the Traveling Secretary.

[hits another home run]

Bernie Williams:
Are you the guy who put us in that Ramada in Milwaukee?

George Costanza:
Do you want to talk about hotels or do you want to win some ball games?

Derek Jeter:
Hey, we won the World Series.

George Costanza:
[derisively] In six games.

[hits another home run]

Rental Car Agent:
Would you like to purchase the renter's insurance?

Jerry:
Yeah, you better give me the insurance because I'm going to beat the HELL out of this thing.

[repeated line]

Cosmo Kramer:
These pretzels are making me thirsty!

Jerry:
I don't understand. Do you have my reservation?

Rental Car Agent:
We have your reservation, we just ran out of cars.

Jerry:
But the reservation keeps the car here. That's why you have the reservation.

Rental Car Agent:
I think I know why we have reservations.

Jerry:
I don't think you do. You see, you know how to *take* the reservation, you just don't know how to *hold* the reservation. And that's really the most important part of the reservation: the holding. Anybody can just take them.

George Costanza:
Ahoy! Mr. Eldridge. I understand you were on the Andrea Doria.

Clarence:
Yes, it was a terrifying ordeal.

George Costanza:
I tell ya, I hear people really stuff themselves on those cruise ships. [Laughs] The buffet, that's the real ordeal, huh, Clarence? [Laughs] .

Clarence:
[Defensively] We had to abandon ship.

George Costanza:
Well, all vacations have to end eventually.

Clarence:
The boat sank!

George Costanza:
[Holding up Kramer's book] According to this, it took 10 hours. It eased into the water like an old man into a nice warm bath - no offence. [pause] So, Clarence, how about abandoning this apartment, and letting me shove off in this beauty?

Old Man:
He flew right into your head. Like he couldn't avoid it. Never seen that before. Bird into a woman's head.

Jerry Seinfeld:
People don't turn down money. This is what separates us from animals.

Cosmo Kramer:
I still don't understand what the problem is having her in the building.

Jerry:
Let me explain something to you. You see, you're not normal. You're a great guy, I love you, but - - you're a pod. I, on the other hand, am a human being. I sometimes feel anxious, uncomfortable, even inhibited in certain situations with the other human beings. You wouldn't understand.

Cosmo Kramer:
Yeah, 'cause I'm a pod.

Jerry:
[Jerry shrugs in agreement]

George:
Is that right? I just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex and floor seats for every sporting event in Madison Square Garden, so please, a little respect, for I am Costanza, lord of the idiots!

George:
For I am Costanza, Lord of the Idiots!

Melissa:
Would you look at that?

Jerry Seinfeld:
I can't, I can't look anymore, I've seen too much

George Costanza:
It's like you're living at the Playboy Mansion!

Cosmo Kramer:
Hey.

George Costanza:
You fixed me up with a bald woman!

Cosmo Kramer:
[flinches]

Cosmo Kramer:
Bald?

George Costanza:
Yeah, that's right

Elaine:
Do you see the irony here? You're rejecting somebody because they're bald!

George Costanza:
So?

Elaine:
[puts her hands up to her mouth] You're bald!

George Costanza:
[indignantly] No, I'm not!

[he "beeps" Elaine on the nose]

George Costanza:
I... *was* bald.

[Jerry is trying to figure out a way to get out of admitting he watches "Melrose Place"]

Jerry Seinfeld:
Maybe I can beat the machine.

Elaine:
Oh, who do you think you are? Costanza?

[after learning the woman he's attracted to is bald]

George Costanza:
No one goes into a barbershop and says "Give me the Larry Fine."

George Costanza:
I told her the truth.

Jerry Seinfeld:
As you see it?

George Costanza:
Yes, as I see it.

Jerry Seinfeld:
Did you tell her about, uh, your little hat there?

George Costanza:
What hat?

Jerry Seinfeld:
You know, you're little hair hat there.

George Costanza:
So, Elaine, are you gonna sleep with me, or what?

Elaine Benes:
George, I just got off a twenty-three-hour plane ride. I'm too tired to even vomit at the thought.

George Costanza:
Fine; I'll ask you again when you're rested.

Jerry Seinfeld:
Oh, I'm sure she'll come around.

George Costanza:
You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister!

Sue Ellen Mischke:
Elaine, you were my maid of honor and you slept with my Pinter?

Elaine Benes:
No, no, no - it was years ago, before you met him! And, I gotta tell you, it was very mechanical.

George Costanza:
You know, I didn't go to the bathroom the *entire time* we were in India!

Nina Stengle:
And by the way, you can take off those boots: Everyone knows you're five-six.

George Costanza:
Five-eight!... Five-seven...

Nina Stengle:
George, I've used the bathroom; it's fine.

George Costanza:
No, no, no, no - I can walk it off. It's 120 degrees in here: I'll sweat it out.

Elaine Benes:
Hey, are those Timberlands... painted black?

George Costanza:
Is your nose pierced?

Jerry Seinfeld:
All right, I admit it. I slept with Nina - but that's all!

George Costanza:
"That's all"? That's everything! I don't know what all the rest of it is for, anyway.

[at Sue Ellen's wedding, just before the ceremony is to begin]

Elaine Benes:
[whispering] Would you grow up, George? What is the difference? Nina slept with him, he slept with me, I slept with Pinter. Nobody cares; it's all ancient history.

George Costanza:
[loudly] You slept with the groom?

[Kramer and FDR hold a wishbone]

Cosmo Kramer:
All right, FDR; this wish is for all the marbles. You win, you get your wish: I drop dead. I win: I don't drop dead, and I get one-hundred-percent anti-drop-dead protection - forever.

Jerry Seinfeld:
You know you're not supposed to drink while you're keeping a secret! Is there anything else?

Elaine Benes:
I can't tell you!

Jerry Seinfeld:
Here, drink this.

Elaine Benes:
[drunk] George knows that you slept with Nina; that's why he was acting so weird.

Jerry Seinfeld:
How did he find out?

Elaine Benes:
[holding a miniature bottle enthusiastically] He "schnapped" me!

[arriving in India]

Elaine Benes:
Oh, God; it's so hot! And what is that smell?

Jerry Seinfeld:
I think it's the stench of death.

Nina Stengle:
George, you've been wearing those boots since I met you. You're not gonna wear them to the wedding, are you?

George Costanza:
No. [snorts] I'm gonna wear black shoes.

Sue Ellen Mischke:
Elaine? Oh! Oh, I am so happy to see you!

Elaine Benes:
You are?

Sue Ellen Mischke:
Well, of course. No one else was even willing to come to India. I mean, not even Pinter's parents - and they're Indian.

Elaine Benes:
Oh, boy; there's Sue Ellen. She didn't want me at this wedding, but here am I with a bunch of my idiot friends.

Jerry Seinfeld:
[excitedly] This is gonna be great!

George Costanza:
Hello, friend. Enjoying the flight?

Jerry Seinfeld:
Coach to India: only way to go.

Nina Stengle:
By the way, you never said anything to George about Jerry and me, did you?

Elaine Benes:
Oh, please - it's in the vault.

Elaine Benes:
Hey, what time is it?

Jerry Seinfeld:
You just asked me two minutes ago.

["Two Minutes Ago"]

Elaine Benes:
Hey, what time is it?

Jerry Seinfeld:
Oh, I'm not wearin' a watch.

[Jerry is disgusted by Newman's beautiful girlfriend's affection for Newman]

Jerry Seinfeld:
Oh, come on... You know he's a postman, don't you?

George Costanza:
Jerry seem a little weird when I mentioned Nina?

Elaine Benes:
Nina? Nina? Nope. Sh... Not weird, no, Nina.

George Costanza:
Why do you keep saying "Nina"?

Elaine Benes:
I don't know. [laughing] "Nina." "Nina!"... I'm gonna go grab a bite.

[Newman and his girlfriend, in her convertible, stop in traffic]

Newman:
You see, my dear, all certified mail is registered... but registered mail is not necessarily certified.

Model:
[enchanted] I could listen to you talk about mail all day.

Newman:
Anything you wish... I'll tell you a little secret about zip codes: They're meaningless.

[Kramer bursts into Newman's birthday party]

Cosmo Kramer:
Newman, wait!

Newman:
Kramer, I'm with people.

Cosmo Kramer:
Yeah, yeah. And *thanks* for inviting me.

Newman:
I did invite you. Your invitation must have gotten..."lost in the mail."

[Elaine popped into Jerry's apartment just as Nina was leaving Jerry's bedroom]

Elaine Benes:
Who else you got back there?

Jerry Seinfeld:
Look, there was an awkward moment in the conversation. It never happened before!

Elaine Benes:
You *slept with Nina.* What are you gonna tell George?

Jerry Seinfeld:
Nothing - and neither will you. George can never know about this: It'll crush him.

Elaine Benes:
All right, all right; I'll put it in the vault.

Jerry Seinfeld:
No good. Too many people know the combination.

Elaine Benes:
What combination?

[Jerry mimes drinking from a bottle]

Elaine Benes:
Your son is marrying my friend, Sue Ellen Mischke -

Usher:
You're not going to the wedding, are you?

Elaine Benes:
Well -

Usher:
Don't go. India is a dreadful, dreadful place.

Zubin:
You know, it's the only country that still has the plague. [laughs] I mean, the plague - please.

Zubin:
If I had to go to India, I wouldn't go to the bathroom the entire trip.

Elaine Benes:
That's... fantastic.

Cosmo Kramer:
Hey... FDR wants me to drop dead.

George Costanza:
"FDR"?

Cosmo Kramer:
Yeah, Franklin Delano Romanowski. I go to his birthday party and, just before he blew out his candles, he gives me this look.

George Costanza:
Stink eye?

Jerry Seinfeld:
Crook eye?

Cosmo Kramer:
*Evil* eye.

Jerry Seinfeld:
Well, everybody's a little cranky on their birthday.

George Costanza:
Oh, it's a bad day. No, you got everyone in your house; you're thinking, "These are my friends?"

Jerry Seinfeld:
Every day is my birthday.

Elaine Benes:
You're not gonna believe what I got in the mail: invitation to Sue Ellen Mischke's wedding.

Jerry Seinfeld:
Well, at least the wedding gown will give her some support.

Elaine Benes:
Not the point. The wedding is in one week; I got this today.

Jerry Seinfeld:
So you think it's a non-vite.

Elaine Benes:
It's an un-vitation.

Elaine Benes:
Hey, are you gettin' taller?

George Costanza:
Timberlands.

[Elaine reads the wedding invitation from Sue Ellen Mischke]

Elaine Benes:
Hey, look at this: Pinter Ranawat? I wonder if he's related to that guy I dated, Peter Ranawat.

Jerry Seinfeld:
It's probably like "Smith" over there.

[discussing why Jerry and Nina never dated]

Jerry Seinfeld:
We were too compatible. Our conversations were so engrossing.

George Costanza:
How engrossing?

Jerry Seinfeld:
If we ever had a problem with Elaine, we could bring in Nina and not lose a step.

George Costanza:
[chuckles with surprise, then shows worry] You don't, uh, have a replacement lined up for me, do you? [continues chuckling]

[Jerry chuckles knowingly and smiles]

Jerry Seinfeld:
Anyway, like I was saying, I couldn't make the transition from conversation to sex. There were no awkward pauses - I need an awkward pause.

George Costanza:
I'm all awkward pauses. Fix me up with her.

George Costanza:
Wait a minute - Nina just saw me in my Timberlands. Now, I have to wear them every time I see her.

Jerry Seinfeld:
Why?

George Costanza:
In any other shoe, I lose two inches; I can't have a drop-down. We were eye-to-eye; I can't go eye-to-chin.

Jerry Seinfeld:
So you're gonna wear 'em no matter what the situation?

George Costanza:
In every situation, no matter how silly I look.

["Eleven Years Earlier"]

[Jerry is moving into his new apartment; Kramer emerges from his, wearing a bathrobe]

Cosmo Kramer:
Hey, how you doin'?

Jerry Seinfeld:
Oh, hi. I'm Jerry Seinfeld; I'm movin' in. I saw your name on the buzzer: You must be Kessler.

Cosmo Kramer:
Uh, no, actually, it's "Kramer."... Uh, do you need any help, or - ?

Jerry Seinfeld:
No, thanks. But, I ordered a pizza; you want some of it?

Cosmo Kramer:
Uh, no, no, no; I couldn't impose.

Jerry Seinfeld:
Why not? We're neighbors. What's mine is yours.

Cosmo Kramer:
[leaning against the door-frame and looking around in wonder] Really?

Jerry Seinfeld:
What the hell is email?

Cosmo Kramer:
Yeah, you got three pints of Kramer in you, buddy.

Jerry Seinfeld:
Noooooo.

Cosmo Kramer:
No, no. I'll catch you tonight. We'll do an all over kind of thing.

Jerry Seinfeld:
[Jerry finds Kramer and Newman in his apartment] What is this?

Cosmo Kramer:
We're making sausages!

Jerry Seinfeld:
I thought you were going to watch a video.

Cosmo Kramer:
An instructional video on how to make your own sausages!

Cosmo Kramer:
Oh, boy, look at this. Hong Kong's outlawed the rickshaw. See, I always thought those would be perfect for New York.

Jerry Seinfeld:
[Sarcastically] Yes. The city needs more slow-moving wicker vehicles.

[George is about to go into the bathroom. He grabs a book on his way in]

Cosmo Kramer:
Hmm, Elaine's been to Hong Kong. I should give her a call.

Jerry Seinfeld:
She's at that annual Peterman party tonight. You know the one she danced at last year?

Cosmo Kramer:
[Remembering] No, that wasn't dancing.

Jerry Seinfeld:
[Pointing] Hey, there's Leo.

Cosmo Kramer:
Oh? Who's Leo?

Jerry Seinfeld:
Uncle Leo!

Cosmo Kramer:
Oh, yeah. Right. Uncle, Leo. Forgot his first name...

George Costanza:
They made me buy it... A hundred bucks this thing cost me.

[George gestures to the book]

George Costanza:
How dare they? I got news for you, if it wasn't for the toilet, there would be no books.

Jerry Seinfeld:
[Sarcastically] Yeah. I understand Guttenberg used to spend a lot of time in there.

George Costanza:
They're selling coffee, bran muffins... you're surrounded by reading material... It's entrapment!

Jerry Seinfeld:
[Reading the cover of the book George was forced to buy] 'French Impressionist Paintings'?

George Costanza:
I find the soothing pastoral images very conduc...

Jerry Seinfeld:
[Cutting him off] Thank you very much.

Jerry Seinfeld:
[as Elaine walks up, disheveled] Sleeping in the caragain?

Elaine Benes:
Cocktail flu.

Jerry Seinfeld:
[Remembering] Oh, right. The big party...

George Costanza:
You, uh, didn't dance again, did you?

Elaine Benes:
No, I found a better way to humiliate myself. There was this guy, and we had a few too many...

George Costanza:
You went home with him?

Elaine Benes:
Worse. We made out at the table like our plane was going down!

Jerry Seinfeld:
[Rubbing it in] Ah, the drunken make-out. An office classic. Did you end up xeroxing anything?

Elaine Benes:
[Gives Jerry a look] Do you know how embarrassing this is to someone in my position?

Jerry Seinfeld:
What's your position?

Elaine Benes:
*I* am an *associate*.

George Costanza:
Hey, me too.

[Waitress walks up]

Waitress:
Yeah, me too.

Elaine Benes:
Oh God. Why did I do this? Now I'm the office skank.

George Costanza:
Well, unless you tell everybody you're dating.

Elaine Benes:
Ooh... right. 'Cause if we're dating, what everyone saw was just a beautiful moment between two lovers.

Jerry Seinfeld:
As opposed to a spirited bout of Skanko-Roman wrestling.

Elaine Benes:
Ooh, bravo.

Jerry Seinfeld:
Now, that's the first sensible idea I've heard all day.

Uncle Leo:
Will somebody answer that damn phone!

Cosmo Kramer:
[to Newman] See, we should've gotten some collateral from him... Like his bag of cans, or... his other bag of cans.

Newman:
We gotta find that rickshaw. You check the sewers and dumpsters. I'll hit the soup kitchens, bakeries, and smorgasbords.

[Newman and Kramer both go to leave]

Jerry Seinfeld:
To the Idiotmobile!

J. Peterman:
Elaine, do you have a moment? It's about your lover.

Elaine Benes:
[Faking a broken heart] Oh yes. I know all about his little performance in the break room.

Elaine Benes:
Elaine, who among us hasn't snuck into the break room to nibble on a love newton?

Elaine Benes:
Love newton?

J. Peterman:
I'm afraid the problem with Zach is more serious. He's back on the horse, Elaine. Smack. White palace. The Chinaman's nightcap.

Elaine Benes:
An addict?... Well, it just keeps getting better!

J. Peterman:
And, in a tiny way, I almost feel responsible. I'm the one who sent him to Thailand in search of low-cost whistles, filled his head with pseudoerotic tales of my own Opium excursions... plus, I gave him some phone numbers of places he could score near the hotel.

Elaine Benes:
Look, uh, Mr. Peterman, the fact is that I was planning on breaking up with Zach anyway. He was cheating on me!

J. Peterman:
Damn it, Elaine. That wasn't Zach. That was the yam-yam. Now, he is going cold turkey... And you will be at his side.

Elaine Benes:
Oh. Well, you know, I had planned to uh...

J. Peterman:
[Cutting her off] No buts, Elaine. Or I will strip you of your 'associate' status.

[Peterman goes to leave]

J. Peterman:
Oh, P.S., the first twenty-four hours are the worst... Beeetter bring a poncho.

Rebecca DeMornay:
Oh, wait a second. This book has been in the bathroom.

George Costanza:
Wh-what are you talking about? That... that's ridiculous.

Rebecca DeMornay:
It's been flagged. I know. I used to work in a Brentano's... Mister, we're trying to help the homeless here. It's bad enough that we have some nut out there trying to strap 'em to a rickshaw!

George Costanza:
Alright... I, I'll just take fifty. Do... do we have a deal?

Rebecca DeMornay:
Yeah, and here it is: You get your toilet book out of here, and I won't jump over this counter and punch you in the brain!

George Costanza:
I could take it in merchandise.

Rebecca DeMornay:
[Threateningly] Here I come.

Elaine Benes:
Yeah. Now I can break up with him. He's clean, and I'm the office hero.

Jerry Seinfeld:
Seems like you're better at fake relationships than real ones.

Elaine Benes:
Yeah, huh. I even got an idea out of it: the Detox Poncho.

Jerry Seinfeld:
Leo, I saw you in Berntano's

Uncle Leo:
Why didn't you saw "hello"?

Jerry Seinfeld:
Because you were too busy stealing a book!

Uncle Leo:
You still say "hello"!

Jerry Seinfeld:
[as auto mechanic approaches] Hey, Tony.

Tony:
Thanks for coming in Jerry.

Jerry Seinfeld:
Sure.

Tony:
[mood shift] I think I know what's going here.

Jerry Seinfeld:
[huh? frown]

Tony:
[getting moody] And I just wanna hear it from you. But I want you to be straight with me. Don't lie to me Jerry. Ya know that motor oil you're putting in there? From one of those quickie lube places, isn't it?

Jerry Seinfeld:
Well I change it so often...

Tony:
[interrupting] Jerry, motor oil is the life blood of a car. Okay, ya put in a low grade oil you can damage vital engine parts, okay? See this gasket? [throws it down] I have no confidence in that gasket.

Jerry Seinfeld:
[trying to respond]

Tony:
Here's what I wanna do. I want to overhaul the entire engine. But it's gonna take a major commitment from you. You're gonna have to keep it under 60 miles an hour for a while. Ya gotta come in and ya gotta get the oil changed every 1000 miles.

Jerry Seinfeld:
How much money is this gonna cost me?

Tony:
[snort] I don't understand you. It's your own car we're talking about. Ya know you wrote the wrong mileage down on the form? You barely know the car. You don't know the mileage, you don't know the tire pressure. When was the last time you even checked the washer fluid?

Jerry Seinfeld:
The washer fluid is fine.

Tony:
The washer fluid is not fine!

Jerry Seinfeld:
Okay, ya know what, um. I just wanna take my car and I'm gonna bring it some place else.

Tony:
What do you mean?

Jerry Seinfeld:
Just... can I have my car? I'm going to pay my bill, and I'm going to be on my way.

Tony:
Well the car is on the lift.

Jerry Seinfeld:
Well just get it down.

Tony:
Alright. Okay, wait here, and I'll uh, I'll bring it around. [walks away]

Jerry Seinfeld:
Okay, thanks very much.

Elaine Benes:
[arriving] Hey, where's the car?

Jerry Seinfeld:
He's bringing it.

Tony:
[squeals away in Jerry's car, leaving Jerry and Elaine stranded]

George Steinbrenner:
He was only attracted to lactating women, but he's fine now. Of course, he eats a lot of cheese.

Susie, the Farmer's Daughter:
[Waving] Goodbye,Norman! I love you!

George Costanza:
Magellan? You like Magellan?

Jerry Seinfeld:
Oh yeah, my favorite explorer. Around the world? Come on. Why, who do you like?

George Costanza:
De Soto.

Jerry Seinfeld:
De Soto, why De Soto?

George Costanza:
He discovered the Mississippi.

Jerry Seinfeld:
Oh, like they wouldn't have found it anyway.

[last lines]

Tall Woman:
Excuse me, I was walking behind you and you dropped your wallet...

Cosmo Kramer:
Don't even question my instincts, because my instincts are honed. Look at that

[Kramer shows newspaper]

Cosmo Kramer:

Elaine Benes:
Did you find the place alright?

Mohel:
Did I find it alright? I mean could you send me to a more dangerous neighborhood? I'm dreading walking back to the subway, someone shouldn't crack me over the head and steal my bag, 'cause I'll be lying there on the street in this neighborhood and people will spit on me and empty my pockets. I'll lie in the gutter like a bum, like a dog, like a mutt, like an animal! God forbid someone should help me or call an ambulance. No, that's too much trouble to pick up a phone and press a few buttons. Ah, what's the point?

Jerry Seinfeld:
I don't see any pig-men I see human, human, human... Wait a second

Cosmo Kramer:
What?

Jerry Seinfeld:
Oh, it's George.

Voice and Arm of Donald Sanger, the Bubble Boy:
The Moors.

George Costanza:
I'm sorry the answer we were looking for was "Moops."

Jerry Seinfeld:
He's a bubble-boy!

George Costanza:
A bubble-boy?

Jerry Seinfeld:
Yes, a bubble-boy.

Susan Biddle Ross:
What's a bubble-boy?

Jerry Seinfeld:
He lives in a bubble.

George Costanza:
Boy!

Elaine:
Here's one. I borrowed Puddy's car and all the presets on his radio were Christian rock stations.

George Costanza:
I like Christian rock. It's very positive. It's not like those real musicians who think they're so cool and hip.

Elaine:
So you think Puddy actually believes in something?

Jerry:
It's a used car, he probably never changed the presets.

Elaine:
Yes, he is lazy.

Jerry:
Plus, he probably doesn't know how to program the buttons.

Elaine:
Yes, he is dumb.

Jerry:
So you prefer dumb and lazy to religious?

Elaine:
Dumb and lazy, I understand.

Jerry:
Sophie, it's me! I know about the tractor story! And I'm fine with it!

Sophie:
How could you know?

Jerry:
Shhh! Shhh! But I'm not going to let something like this ruin what could be a meaningful relationship.

Mickey Abbott:
[Kramer and Mickey enter] You gave me gonorrhea and you didn't even tell me!

Cosmo Kramer:
I gave you gonorrhea because I thought you'd have fun with it!

Mickey Abbott:
Well, you should have told me!

Jerry:
I'm with somebody!

Sophie:
No, I understand! This can be a difficult thing to deal with! But the important thing is that you have a partner who's supportive.

Cosmo Kramer:
You know, she's right.

Sophie:
But of course, I didn't have a partner. I got gonorrhea from a tractor.

Jerry:
You got gonorrhea from a tractor? And you call that the tractor story?

Sophie:
Yeah, my boyfriend said I got it because I was riding the tractor in my bathing suit.

Jerry:
[stunned] All right, that's it for me. You've been great. Good night everybody! [leaves]

Elaine:
Well, I'm going to hell.

Jerry:
That sounds about right. Hey, did you hear the one about the guy in hell with the coffee and the donuts?

Elaine:
Jerry, I'm not in the mood.

George Costanza:
[to the waitress] I'll have some coffee and a donut.

Cosmo Kramer:
Well, I've got gonorrhea.

Elaine:
That sounds about right.

George Costanza:
[after Jerry has told him and Elaine about Sophie giving him the "It's me"] I'm against all "it's me"s. So self-absorbed and egotistical. It's like these hip musicians with their complicated shoes!

David Puddy:
You stole my Jesus fish!

Elaine:
Do you believe in God?

David Puddy:
Yeah...

Elaine:
Is it a problem for you that I'm not religious?

David Puddy:
No.

Elaine:
Why not?

David Puddy:
I'm not the one going to hell.

Jerry Seinfeld:
Sometimes you go to a restaurant, they put the check in a little book. What is this, the story of the bill? "Once upon a time, there were some very hungry people." What is this? Little gold tassel hanging down. Am I graduating from the restaurant? What is this about?

Jackie Chiles:
So you're driving in the car, you're with your friend, minding your own business?

Cosmo Kramer:
Yeah.

Jackie Chiles:
Then what happened?

Cosmo Kramer:
Then we saw this woman, and she was wearing a bra with no top.

Jackie Chiles:
No top? She didn't have a top on?

Cosmo Kramer:
No. So I got distracted and I crashed the car.

Jackie Chiles:
Well how would you describe this woman? Would you say she was an attractive woman?

Cosmo Kramer:
Oh yeah!

Jackie Chiles:
So we got an attractive woman, wearing a bra, no top, walkin' around in broad daylight. She's flouting society's conventions!

Cosmo Kramer:
She was flouting.

Jackie Chiles:
That's totally inappropriate. It's lewd, lascivious, salacious, outrageous!

Cosmo Kramer:
It was outrageous. And she's the heir to the O'Henry candy bar fortune.

[last lines]

Jackie Chiles:
You can't let the defendant have control of the key piece of evidence. Plus, she's trying it on over a leotard, of course a bra's not gonna fit over a leotard. A bra gotta fit right over a person's skin. Like a glove!

Frank:
[on Jerry's answering machine] Jerry, it's Frank Costanza. Mr. Steinbrenner's here. George is dead. Call me back.

Jerry Seinfeld:
Hey, what're ya up to?

Cosmo Kramer:
Nothin'!

Jerry Seinfeld:
Wanna go up to the Bronx and see if there's any flyers on George's car...

Cosmo Kramer:
[eagerly] Sure!

Jerry Seinfeld:
Guess I coulda said just about anything there, couldn't I?

Cosmo Kramer:
Yup.

Susan Biddle Ross:
Hey! What're you watching? [looks at TV] Only You? That's another Marisa Tomei movie, and you've seen that one too. [jokingly] What, do you have a thing for her?

George Costanza:
[laughing it off and trying too hard] Yeah, yeah. I have a thing for Marisa Tomei. Like she would ever go out with a short, stocky, bald man. [forced laughter] Hu hu, ha ha. Like that's her type. Huh. She's an Oscar winner. [nervous laughter] He heh. Besides, I don't even know her. It's not like anyone's trying to fix us up. Who, who would try and fix me up with Marisa Tomei?

Susan Biddle Ross:
What are you talking about?

Marisa Tomei:
Have I told you how much I love you today?

George Costanza:
Not in the last fifteen minutes.

Marisa Tomei:
Well, I do love you very much.

George Costanza:
And I love you, Marisa.

Marisa Tomei:
Well then, c'mon, get dressed. We're going to be late for the premiere.

George Costanza:
Elaine, it's me, George

Elaine:
George. How come you're whispering?

George Costanza:
Never mind, never mind. I need you to do me a favour. Uhm, remember what we were talking about at the coffee shop earlier?

Elaine:
No!

George Costanza:
Think, a second. You know, your friend was talking about me and, you know...

Elaine:
Ech, George, I have no idea what you're talking about.

George Costanza:
The actress

Elaine:
What?

George Costanza:
[shouts] MARISA TOMEI!

Susan Biddle Ross:
What?

George Costanza:
Uh, ah, nothing, Nothing!

George Costanza:
You should've seen the look on her face. It was the same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist.

Jerry Seinfeld:
Babu? Babu? [waves Babu to come to table] Babu... you know, I got to tell you, I never do this, but the shrimp, it's just that it's a little stringy. You have any chicken?

Babu Bhatt:
The shrimp is stringy?

Jerry Seinfeld:
Well, maybe your refrige...

Babu Bhatt:
QUIET! You shut up! You make me change restaurant, but nobody come! You say, "make Pakistani", Babu Bhatt have only Pakistani restaurant. But where are people? You see people? Show me people! There ARE no people!

Jerry Seinfeld:
You know, I think I'll just take the check.

Babu Bhatt:
You bad man! You very very bad man! [leaves]

Jerry Seinfeld:
[Thinking] Bad man? Could my mother have been wrong?

Jerry Seinfeld:
[Opening monologue] There's always that one location, one store location that's constantly changing hands. Everybody has this in their neighborhood, it's a leather store, it's a yogurt shop, it's a pet supply. It's constantly changing and nobody can do business there. It's like some sort of Bermuda triangle of retail, you know? Stores open up and then they just disappear without a trace. Nobody knows what happened to 'em. I guess eventually when like aliens land in mother ship of Close Encounters, bottom will slowly open and all these store owners will come wondering out in a daze going 'I thought there would be more walk-in traffic didn't you?'

Jerry Seinfeld:
[Watching Babu's restaurant with binoculars] He's serving Mexican, Italian, Chinese. He's all over the place. That's why no one's going in.

Elaine Benes:
Why do you keep watching?

Jerry Seinfeld:
I don't know, I'm obsessed with it. It's like a spider in the toilet struggling for survival. And even though ya know he's not going to make it, you kind of root for him for a second.

Elaine Benes:
And then you flush.

Jerry Seinfeld:
Well, it's a spider.

Cosmo Kramer:
[hunched over a massive pile of change] Hey buddy.

Jerry:
What the hell is all this?

Cosmo Kramer:
It's my change. I need quarters for the dryer.

Jerry:
Why can't you do this on your own table?

Cosmo Kramer:
Because I don't have a table.

George Costanza:
[George had been banned from Paisano's] Well, this is bad. I am really in a bad situation now.

Jerry:
So what is Steinbrenner going to do if he doesn't get his calzone?

George Costanza:
What's he gonna do? That's exactly the point! Nobody knows what this guy is capable of. He fires people like it's a bodily function!

Elaine Benes:
He bet me that Dustin Hoffman was in Star Wars.

Jerry Seinfeld:
I'm going out with one of the Miss America contestants. You want to go?

Kramer:
What state?

Jerry Seinfeld:
Rhode Island.

Kramer:
They're never in contention.

George Costanza:
[unhappy with the Yankee uniforms] They should be wearing cotton.

Landis:
[interviewing Elaine for a job] Not many people have grace.

Elaine Benes:
Well, you know, grace is a tough one. I like to think I have a little grace. Not as much as Jackie O...

Landis:
You can't have a little grace. You either have grace or you don't.

Elaine Benes:
Okay, fine. I have no grace.

Landis:
And you can't acquire grace.

Elaine Benes:
Well, I have no intention of getting grace.

Landis:
Grace isn't something you can pick up at the market.

Elaine Benes:
[annoyed] Alright, alright, look, I don't have grace, I don't want grace, I don't even say grace, okay?

Landis:
Thank you for coming in.

Elaine Benes:
Yeah yeah right.

Jerry Seinfeld:
[about Kramer's Japanese house guests] This has international incident written all over it.

George Costanza:
He's giving you furniture? Who is this guy?

Jerry Seinfeld:
Who are any of her losers?

George Costanza:
You're on that list.

Elaine Benes:
Brett is so generous, and sensitive. Last night he was moved just listening to a song.

Jerry Seinfeld:
What song?

Elaine Benes:
Desparado.

Jerry Seinfeld:
Desperado? I'll tell you who sounds desperado.

Jerry Seinfeld:
Hold it. Broccoli? Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep fried in chocolate sauce.

Newman:
I love broccoli. It's good for you.

Jerry Seinfeld:
Really? Then maybe you'd like to have a piece.

[Jerry opens container. Newman takes a piece]

Newman:
Gladly.

[Newman spits it out]

Newman:
Vile weed!

Elaine:
[waiting in restaurant] You know, it's not fair that people are selected first come, first served. It should be based on who's hungriest!

[repeated line]

Bruce:
Five, ten minutes.

[last lines]

Bruce:
Seinfeld, four!

Elaine:
Remember when you first went out to eat with your parents? Remember, it was such a treat to go and they serve you this different food that you never saw before, and they put it in front of you, and it is such a delicious and exciting adventure? And now I just feel like a big sweaty hog waiting for them to fill up the trough.

George Louis Costanza:
You know what this has to do with? The man in the cape. I bet you he is mixed up in this. I don't trust men in capes.

Jerry Seinfeld:
You can't cast aspersions on someone just because they're wearing a cape. Superman wore a cape. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and let you say anything bad about him.

George Louis Costanza:
All right, Superman's the exception.

Jerry Seinfeld:
You know, you're not Chinese.

George Costanza:
[a message on Jerry's answering machine] Hi, this is George. I've got nothing to say.

George Costanza:
Jerkstore is the line. Jerkstore!

Reilly:
Hey, George. The ocean called, they're running out of shrimp.

Cosmo Kramer:
[after having seen a naked woman across the street, he enters his apartment and exits 30 seconds later with a wad of cash] I'm out!

Jerry Seinfeld:
But are you still "Master of your Domain?"

George Costanza:
I am king of the county. You?

Jerry Seinfeld:
Lord of the Manor.

Jerry Seinfeld:
It's easier for a woman not to do it than a man, we have to do it, it's part of our lifestyle. It's like shaving.

Elaine Benes:
Oh, that is such baloney! I shave my legs.

Cosmo Kramer:
[while eating] Not everyday.

Jerry Seinfeld:
But... are you still Master of your domain?

Elaine Benes:
I'm queen of the castle.

[after Kramer is out]

Elaine Benes:
And then there were three.

[after Elaine is out]

Jerry Seinfeld:
All right, Costanza. It's you and me.

George Costanza:
And then there were two.

Estelle Costanza:
Latvian Orthodox? Why are you doing this?

George Costanza:
For a woman.

Frank Costanza:
A woman? What are you out of your mind?

Estelle Costanza:
Why can't you do anything like a normal person?

Frank Costanza:
Wait. Is this the group that goes around mutilating squirrels?

George Costanza:
By Christmas day I will be Brother Costanza.

Jerry Seinfeld:
And when is Brother Costanza planning on telling Mother Costanza?

George Costanza:
Brother Costanza will be taking the vow of silence.

Jerry Seinfeld:
And what is his stand on abortion?

Elaine Marie Benes:
What?

Jerry Seinfeld:
What is his stand... on abortion?

Elaine Marie Benes:
Well, I'm sure he's pro-choice.

Jerry Seinfeld:
How do you know?

Elaine Marie Benes:
Because he... Well... He's just so good-looking.

Jerry Seinfeld:
Well, you should probably ask. Because if he's gonna be coming over with those Pokeno's Pizzas... could be trouble.

Jerry Seinfeld:
Is it...? Could it...? Could he have...? It is! Poppie peed on my sofa!

Cosmo Kramer:
Are you sure?

Jerry Seinfeld:
Well, what is it, then? My new sofa! Poppie peed on my new sofa!

Cosmo Kramer:
I'm sure it'll come out.

Jerry Seinfeld:
I don't care if it comes out. I can't sit on that anymore.

Cosmo Kramer:
You're making too much of it.

Jerry Seinfeld:
Yeah, you're right. Just a natural human function. Happens to be on my sofa... instead of in the toilet, where it would normally be.

Cosmo Kramer:
Right.

Jerry:
[after a visit from Poppie] K-Kramer, what is this?

Cosmo Kramer:
What is what?

Jerry:
This puddle on my sofa!

Cosmo Kramer:
What puddle?

Jerry:
That puddle!

Cosmo Kramer:
...I don't know.

Jerry:
Is it?... Could it?... Could he have?... IT IS!... POPPIE PEED ON MY SOFA!

Cosmo Kramer:
Are you sure?

Jerry:
Well, what is it then?... My new sofa! Poppie peed on my new sofa!

Elaine Marie Benes:
So what did you end up doing with the couch?

Jerry Seinfeld:
I gave it to George.

Elaine Marie Benes:
Did you tell him it was peed on?

Jerry Seinfeld:
He said he was going to flip the cushion.

Jerry:
[Discussing The Deal with Elaine] Because this... [gesturing between them] is very good.

Elaine:
[Gesturing to the bedroom] And that would be good.

Jerry:
That would be good too. [repeating gestures] See the idea's to combine this and that. But this cannot be disturbed.

Elaine:
Yeah, we just want to take this and... add that. [Jerry makes a "There you have it" gesture]

Jerry Seinfeld:
Look to the Cookie Elaine, look to the Cookie.

Jerry Seinfeld:
And a black and white Cookie for me, peace.

George Costanza:
Oh my God, that's Saddam Hussein the dictator!

Jerry Seinfeld:
Another babka?

Kramer:
[yelling at the oncoming traffic] Hey, your lights are on!

George Costanza:
[angrily but under his breath] It's a funeral procession...

Jerry Seinfeld:
On my block, a lot of people walk their dogs, and I always see them walking along with their little poop bags, which to me is just the lowest function of human life. If aliens are watching this through telescopes, they're gonna think the dogs are the leaders. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume was in charge?

Jerry Seinfeld:
It's because of her that bottle got broke that I was going to give to Charles Grodin on his show.

George Costanza:
So call her up and tell her to bring you another one. She'll be delighted to talk to you.

Jerry Seinfeld:
[while opening his cereal box] I will - don't worry. [Plotting his revenge] In fact, I'll have her bring up a whole case of the stuff. It'll be really heavy. Let's see if she likes sitting on a plane with a big box on her lap!

Elaine Benes:
That's sounds pretty juvenile.

Jerry Seinfeld:
[Pulling out his toy prize from the bottom of the cereal box -smiling] Hey! A dinosaur!

German Tourist:
[to Kramer] Stop that man! It's him!

Jerry Seinfeld:
You think you're better than me?

Susan Ross:
[after George tells his mother he and Susan are getting married, her mother asks to speak to Susan] I just want you to know that I love your son very much.

Estelle Constanza:
You do?

Susan Ross:
Yes.

Estelle Constanza:
Really?

Susan Ross:
Yes.

Estelle Constanza:
May I ask why?

Jerry Seinfeld:
All right, Elaine but this is beyond news. This is like Pearl Harbor! Or the Kennedy assassination! It's like not even news. It's total shock!

Elaine Benes:
Oh, come on, Jerry. Please, please, please, please, please!

Jerry Seinfeld:
George Constanza...

Elaine Benes:
Yeah?

Jerry Seinfeld:
Is getting married!

Elaine Benes:
Get out! [Elaine pushes Jerry into the bathroom and he falls with a crash]

Jerry Seinfeld:
[after George tells Jerry he's marrying Susan] Hey, wait a second. Wait a second. ! How about some champagne?

George Costanza:
Champagne?

Jerry Seinfeld:
Yes, come on! How often do you get engaged? Come on! [Jerry looks around his kitchen for champagne]

George Costanza:
Okay! Alright!

Jerry Seinfeld:
[after he can't find any champagne] You know what? No champagne. I'll see you later.

[Elaine and Peterman are watching "The English Patient". Elaine is about to freak out of boredom]

Elaine Benes:
[quietly] No. I can't do this any more. I can't. It's too long.

Elaine Benes:
[yells] Quit telling your stupid story about the stupid desert, and just die already! DIE!

J. Peterman:
[surprised] Elaine, you don't like the movie?

Elaine Benes:
[shouts] I hate it!

[the audience shushes Elaine]

Elaine Benes:
[shouts back] Oh, go to hell!

Izzy Mandelbaum:
It's go time!

[as Elaine turns to re-enter the theatre, she sees Gail, Carol and Lisa coming out]

Elaine Benes:
[surprised] Hey, what're you guys doing here?

Lisa:
We just saw "The English Patient" again.

Gail:
It's even better the second time.

Elaine Benes:
[sarcastically] They made it longer?

Marlene:
I'm sorry Jerry, I just can't be with someone if I don't respect what they do.

Jerry:
You're a cashier!

Jerry:
[in his monologue to his audience at the club] The Waiting room. I hate when they make you wait in the room. Because it says waiting room. There's no chance of not waiting. Because they call it the waiting room. They gonna use it. It's set up for you to wait. You sit there and you got your little magazine. You pretend you read it but you're really looking at other people. You know you're thinking about them. Things like:"I wonder what he's got?"

Jerry:
So that's it, you're out.

George Costanza:
Except for one small problem. I left some books in her apartment.

Jerry:
So? Go get them.

George Costanza:
No I can't go back there. Jerry, it's so awkward. It could be dangerous. Sexually ,something could happen. I'd be right back where I started from.

Jerry:
So forget about the books. Did you read them?

George Costanza:
Well, yeah.

Jerry:
What do you need them for?

George Costanza:
I don't know. They're books.

Jerry:
What's the obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies! What do you need it for after you read it?

Elaine:
That's good work guys, that oughta do it for today.

Eddie Sherman:
Wait! You didn't ask me about my ideas.

Elaine:
Oh, Eddie, it's your first day...

Eddie Sherman:
I'm ready.

Elaine:
Oh. Okay.

Eddie Sherman:
It's a hot night. The mind races. You think about your knife: the only friend who hasn't betrayed you, the only friend who won't be dead by sunup. Sleep tight mates, in your quilted chambray night shirts.

Jerry Seinfeld:
So you saw Bania's act.

Abby:
He got two minutes into that Ovaltine thing and I just couldn't take it anymore.

Jerry Seinfeld:
I told you, it's like getting beaten with a bag of oranges.