Red vs. Blue, Season 5

Church:
Hey Doc, what the hell is going on in there?

Doc:
Church, everything is fine. The patient is just resting,

Church:
(listens to the crashing noises) Doesn't sound like he is resting.

Doc:
That's not Tucker, that's our new arrival. He's got a lot of energy since his first feeding!

Church:
Tucker...fed...the baby. Gross.

Doc:
Actually, Caboose was kind enough to donate some blood. You know what they say: "it takes a village."

Church:
How'd you get him to agree to that?

Doc:
It's amazing what you can get Caboose to do when you promise him a cookie and a glass of orange juice.

Church:
But he hates needles.

Doc:
No needles. Turns out, if you just expose some bare skin, the little guy just digs right in! It's a miracle to see nature at work!

Caboose:
(drunkenly) I feel dizzy...

Church:
Uh, is he gonna be okay?

Doc:
Tucker's kid drank half a gallon in one go. Isn't that cool? I think he's gonna be a linebacker. Or a vampire. Or a vampire linebacker! That'd be crazy.

Caboose:
(looking around randomly) Oooooh...

Doc:
Anyway, blood is pretty important, so Caboose is bound to have some side effects like dizziness, or nausea, or sensitivity to light -

Caboose:
I think I'm going to stop standing up now... (collapses face-down on the floor)

Doc:
Or passing out.

Caboose:
(from floor) Church, if I die, I want you to have my orange juice...

Church:
How can Tucker sleep with all that racket?

Doc:
Sleeping? He's not sleeping, he's in a coma.

Church:
Alright, that's it. Get out of the way Doc, I'll take care of this.

Caboose:
(from floor) I can't feel my torso...

Doc:
I don't think so. A newborn is really susceptible to infection, and disease, and cuddling! I want to expose it to as few people as possible.

Church:
Doc, don't worry, I'm not going to give it a cold. I'm just gonna go in there, step on its neck, and shoot it in the head. 'Cause that's how I roll.

Doc:
Well now you're definitely not coming in. I think we're going to send back your shower gift too.

Caboose:
(from floor) I'm still laying here. Why won't anyone help me?

Church:
I tell you what: I promise to wash my hands before I destroy the abomination of nature, okay?

Doc:
Sorry.

Church:
Doc, seriously, you can't keep me from going inside my own base.

Doc:
Church, don't make me pull rank on you

Church:
(incredulous) Rank - what the fuck - I outrank - you don't outrank me, I'm a captain!

Doc:
No, you're a private with a dead captain. Last time I checked, that makes you a private...with a dead captain

Caboose:
(from floor) My body...is trying to die.

Church:
Okay fine, then we're both privates, you don't outrank me!

Doc:
No, I'm Medical Super Private, First Class!

Church:
That's not a real rank!

Doc:
Yes it is!

Church:
Since when?!

Doc:
Uh, since I sent them a letter every day for four years requesting that promotion.

Church:
They're promoting you for that!? You haven't used your weapon!

Doc:
Leadership isn't about firing bullets or stabbing people, Church. Leadership is about telling other people to fire bullets and stab people.

Caboose:
(from floor) If I've been bitten by it, does that mean I'm going to turn into one of them?

Church:
Shut up Caboose.

Caboose:
(from floor) Blaaarrrggg...

Church:
: Shut up, Caboose.

Caboose:
(from floor) Oh no, don't let me turn...

(a loud crash from outside as the Pelican lands)

Church:
What the hell was that?!

Caboose:
(from floor) I didn't feel anything...

Church:
I'll be right back - don't feed any more of our soldiers to the alien!

Doc:
Okay, but I can't make any promises.

Caboose:
(from floor) Don't leave me with the horrible doctor...

Doc:
Oh, shut up, Caboose.

Caboose:
(from floor) Now he's cursing at me...

Sarge:
Simmons, (coughing) status report.

Simmons:
Um, an enormous thing just fell out of the sky, and landed on Donut, sir.

Sarge:
Are there any other injuries?

Simmons:
No, sir!

Sarge:
You sure?

Simmons:
I think so.

Sarge:
Are you sure? No one accidentally got shot in the face when someone else's shotgun just accidentally went off during the incredible distraction of a spaceship crash landing, purely by coincidence?

Simmons:
Uh, I don't kno-

Sarge:
No one orange?

Grif:
Ugh, I'm fine.

Simmons:
Sorry, sir.

Sarge:
Oh, dehrh. [examines his shotgun] I really need to adjust the sights on this thing.

Simmons:
What about Private Donut Sir, there's no way he survived that. Poor Donut, I'll miss him like a sister

Sarge:
I'll miss him like, well, like someone I knew, but then I don't really want to reflect on how deep our relationship went.

Simmons:
Wait a second, do you hear that? Sounds like tapping.

Grif:
All I hear is you guys talking about your feelings for Donut. And I have to say, I'm not really comfortable with that.

Simmons:
Listen, there it is again.

Sarge:
You're absolutely right. That sounds like Morris Code.

Simmons:
Um, excuse me sir. It's actually not Morris Code, it's Morse code, sir.

Sarge:
Morse, haha, that sounds ridiculous, I don't think so.

Simmons:
Yes. Morse is the person who developed an international code for communicating without audio, Morris was a television cat that sold cat food.

Sarge:
And that cat was one of our finest military minds. Don't you see, that mean Donut is alive and trying to contact us.. Now, get to tappin'.

Simmons:
Maybe we can lift the ship off him somehow.

Sarge:
Great idea, Simmons! I've read reports that people can get enormous strength in stressful situations. There was woman that lifted a car off her baby.

Grif:
You want me to call Donut's mother?

Sarge:
Don't make me angry Grif, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry. Now if there was only some way to tap into our inner rage...like that Hulk fella. Doggonnit, there's never any Gamma Radiation around when you need it.

Simmons:
What if we try getting into the ship, and lowering the landing gear? That might raise the ship.

Sarge:
Or we could build an army of clones that could lift the ship.

Simmons:
I think the jack in the warthog might be able to lift it.

Sarge:
We could develop a machine that shrinks the ship, or that makes Donut gigantic, or both.

Simmons:
Or we could try digging underneath the hull.

Sarge:
I've got it! A levitation ray! I think I have a spare in the base! I'll be right back.

Simmons:
But sir!

Sarge:
Simmons this is no time to chat about your crackpot theories! I'll get the levitation ray! This is a crisis situation, time to save the day, with science! [Sarge gets into the Warthog and drives off]

Grif:
Sigh...Sarge just drove away with our jack, didn't he?

Simmons:
And our shovels. Sometimes I'm amazed our entire platoon hasn't starved to death.

Church:
What the fuck are you guys doing out here, breaking the canyon?

Grif:
(scoffing) Fuck off, Blue! A ship just crashed on one of our guys.

Church:
What, this ship?

Simmons:
(irritated) No, another ship. Then that ship left, and this ship crashed in the exact same spot.

Church:
Where'd it come from?

Grif:
(condescending) It's a spaceship. It came from space.

Church:
... ... ... (calmly) Dibs.

Simmons:
(surprised) What?

Church:
Dibs. I just called dibs. This is my ship now. Dibs.

Simmons:
(arguing) No, it isn't, jackass! We found it first!

Church:
(assured) Yeah, but you didn't call dibs. I did. Dibs. See?

Grif:
(arguing) You can't call dibs on a spaceship! That's ridiculous!

Simmons:
(agreeing) Yeah!

Church:
(rebuttal) Yes, I can! Dibs! See? I just did it again! Now, get the fuck away from my ship, Tomato Can!

Simmons:
(angrily through his clenched teeth) Don't call me 'Tomato Can'!

Grif:
(challenging) Try and take it, then!

Church:
Um... Ok... (Turns to Sheila.) ...Sheila?

Sheila:
(Aiming her turret at Grif and Simmons.) You bet!

Grif:
(upset) Fuck!

Church:
(assured) You forgot about that too, didn't you?

Simmons:
(defeated) Yeah, kinda.

Sheila:
Now, step away from the ship, Tomato Can.

Grif:
(taunting) Ha-ha, 'Tomato Can'!

Sheila:
You too, Lemon Head.

Grif:
(pissed) Hey, I'm orange, not yellow!

Sheila:
[laughs]

Church:
What's that tapping? Sounds like Morris code!

Simmons:
[sighs] Morse...

Church:
Sheila, if he corrects me again, please make him blow up.

Sheila:
Heh heh heh... sounds like fun!

Church:
Well, what does it say?

Grif:
It says "tap tap tap." We don't know!

Simmons:
We were trying to translate it when you showed up and interrupted us!

Church:
No, when I interrupted you, you were standing around and doing nothing. Just like the last 50 times I interrupted you guys... Oh, wait, wait, wait, listen... it says... [tap] "Red..." [tap] "sucks..." [tap tap] "balls!" Hey, hey! Look, my new ship can talk! And it knows things! That's a good ship!

Simmons:
I think there's something wrong with the tank.

Grif:
Yeah, I noticed

Simmons:
I got an idea.

Grif:
Whoa, hold on a second, before you get too deep into this, let me remind you that we don't exactly have a good track record when it comes our plans and that tank.

Simmons:
Come on, Grif. I think it's malfunctioning.

Grif:
Well, there's only one part that has to function to turn me into a cloud of orange mist.

Sarge:
Bad news, men, I couldn't find that levitation ray. But I did find the remote control to - HEY!! What's going on out here?! What do you think you're doing, you lousy Blue?

Church:
I'm just trying to figure out what's up with this spaceship out here.

Sarge:
Dibs!

Simmons and Grif:
Too late...

Sarge:
DAG NABBIT! Why do I ever leave you two to guard ANYTHING? EVERYBODY knows about the international "dibs" protocol! And the no take backs accord!

Church:
Caboose, where's Doc?

Caboose:
(still lying on the ground) Doc left. Took the baby for a walk. It's growing up so fast. Seems like just yesterday he was born.

Church:
Well actually, that's because he was born today. Like, an hour ago.

Caboose:
We need to cherish these times. I wish I knew how to scrapbook.

Church:
Where's Tucker?

Caboose:
Still in a coma.

Church:
Great. Tucker's out, Sheila's on the fritz, and now Doc is babysitting. Caboose, if we survive the next five minutes, I'll be fuckin' amazed.

Caboose:
I'm fine, by the way. Don't worry about me... [pause] I'm so cold...

Church:
Hey Doc, we've got problems man, I need to call command....Hello? Earth to Doc. I mean, this place to Doc

Doc:
Don't you want to say hello to our new friend?

Church:
What?

Jr:
Honk?

Church:
I don't... I c- I can't, I can't I don't, this is-

Doc:
Take your time. This is a big moment.

Jr:
Blarg.

Church:
I don't have time for this right now

Jr:
Honk.

Church:
Shut up you're disgusting

Church:
Doc, what is Vic's number?

Doc:
What for?

Church:
For reinforcements. Wait, unless you've had, like, specialized combat training in the last ten minutes?

Doc:
Uh, nope.

Church:
Then, yeah, reinforcements.

Doc:
Well, I did just change a dirty diaper.

Church:
That doesn't count.

Doc:
I don't know, it was a real doozy... Number 2.

Church:
Doc, Focus! Vic's number, what is it?!

Doc:
C'mon, Church! Everybody remembers Vic's number! Didn't he ever teach you the song?

Church:
Oh, right. Vic's jingle

Doc:
"If you want to talk, don't e-mail, and don't you click-click-click-click, just call me up at 555-V-I-C-K!"

Church:
You know, it probably would've been more memorable if it rhymed...or if his name actually ended with a "K".

Church:
Hey, shut up. I'm on the phone.

Junior:
Honk!

Church:
And do me a favor, kill that fucking thing, would you?

Junior:
Blarg.

Vic:
Hey dude.

Church:
Vic, hey. This is Church. I need -

Vic:
This is Vic at 555-V-I-C-K diddly-do. I'm not in the casito right now so leave your lowdown at the ding dong. Hasta.

Church:
Hey Vic, this is Church. I need to-

Voice Mail:
You have reached the voice mail system.

Church:
[sighs] Okay, okay, come on.

Voice Mail:
To leave a message, just wait for the tone.

Church:
I know how to leave a goddamn message.

Voice Mail:
When you are finished recording, just hang up or press pound for more options.

Church:
Really. Hang up. No shit. I was just gonna keep talking until he decided check his voice mail.

Voice Mail:
For delivery options, press five.

Church:
Just give me the damn beep!

Voice Mail:
To leave a call back number, press eight. To page this person, press six,-

Church:
Come on!

Voice Mail:
To repeat this message, press nine.

Church:
I will fucking stab you, computer-phone-lady!

Church:
Doc, we are royally screwed. Half our team is down -

Doc:
No, it's not. Look! Caboose is already back in action!

Caboose:
[wanders out of Blue base] I'm okay! I'm okay! [falls down] I'm not okay!

Doc:
He's fine.

Caboose:
Also, I see a big ship. Now I know I'm hallucinating!

Church:
Oh, and I forgot that part. The Reds also have an enormous ship that was sent by their Command. Probably has a huge fucking weapon on it. Like a nuke, or a biological weapon that's gonna melt our skin, or a genetic weapon that's gonna make everyone in blue armour sterile. [pauses] Awesome.

Church:
Doc, I don't think this situation could get much worse. I mean the ship is bad enough, but god knows what kind of reinforcements they have on that thing! It could be a whole new squad, or a freelancer, or -

[Scene cuts to the Reds]

Simmons:
Grif's Sister?!

Sister:
Yeah! Isn't it cool?

Church:
See him there? Right there? The yellow one.

Caboose:
[aiming sniper rifle] The one next to Simmons. That's Grif.

Church:
The other yellow one. Dumbass.

Caboose:
Oh, that new yellow person - oh, yes, of course, yes. Ah... he looks very scary, yes, and I know that because I'm looking right at him, right now, yes, he's yellow, yes, this is very interesting.

Church:
[sighs] You don't even see him do you?

Caboose:
Yeah, I - I don't even know how to use this thing.

Church:
Yellow armor? What does yellow armor mean? Is it like some kinda... special ops guy, or... man, this can't be good for us.

Caboose:
What if it's a new gun?

Church:
What?! Why am I even talking to you? It's a person! In yellow armor! We already established that!

Caboose:
Oh. Uh, maybe they got their own medic!

Church:
A medic? Caboose, we are not that lucky.

Doc:
See? My suit is purple. Can you say purple? Pur..

Junior:
Honk...

Doc:
...ple!

Junior:
Honk!

Doc:
Great! Once we learn all the colors, we'll learn why you shouldn't judge people by them.

Church:
Yeah, that guy is definitely some kind of special forces. He's probably trained in...knives or...ball-kicking or something.

Caboose:
Maybe he's an alien!

Church:
An alien that looks just like the rest of us!?

Caboose:
And that is the scariest kind of alien.

Church:
Why are you even here? It would be easier for me to just call random people on the phone and talk to them about this. They would understand the situation better!

Tucker:
Blulululula. BluluLULUla.

Church:
Well, look who's awake.

Tucker:
What the fuck happened?

Caboose:
Well, as you may remember, you were impregnated by an alien visitor who was on a noble mission to save his entire species from-

Tucker:
Can I get the short version, please?

Church:
Yeah. Ya got knocked up, ya got knocked out.

Tucker:
Oh yeah. I gotta start working out. Lose this baby weight.

Caboose:
Yeah, you know we- we should all start working out, you know especially some of us.

Tucker:
Yeah, some of us seem to have let ourselves go more than others.

Church:
Are you guys talking about me?

Caboose:
We, ah, didn't want to say anything.

Tucker:
Yeah. That's why we said something...fatty!

Church:
Hey, back off guys! I've been under a lot of stress. I've been carrying this whole fucking team.

Tucker:
Where did you carry us, to the buffet?

Caboose:
He said it.

Tucker:
What are you guys doing up here, anyway? And what's that huge thing?

Caboose:
That's Church.

Church:
He means the ship, Caboose!!

Caboose:
He said it.

Grif:
I don't know, Sarge. If command was wrong about you being dead, couldn't they be wrong about other stuff too? Like what if the Blues don't suck? [gasp] What if the Blues are awesome?! This changes everything!

Sarge:
But I was so young! And violent!

Grif:
And that's what makes this so tragic.

Grif:
But seriously, Sarge lived a great life. And now that he's dead, our lives are pretty good too. Zing! Hahaha! You know what I'm talking about!

Sarge:
C'mon, is this a remembrance or a roast?

Grif:
Quiet in the front row. And I'm not askin', and he's not tellin', but I heard when Donut first came to the base, Sarge spent a lot of time talking about "glazed donut holes" if ya know what I mean. Hey-oh!

Simmons:
Too soon!

Grif:
And who could forget the time Sarge showed us all how to field strip Simmons-

Simmons:
Okay that's enough, I said five minutes Grif.

Grif:
Bye everybody, I'll be appearing at the laugh cavern every Tuesday. Ladies drink free.

Grif's Sister:
WOOO-HOOO!

Grif:
Not you!

Sister:
Aw...

Simmons:
Okay, whatever. Get off! Hi everyone, I'm here to say a few words about our friend, Sarge.

Grif:
Boo, you suck!

Simmons:
Grif, get off the stage!

Grif:
Oh, sorry (leaves)

Simmons:
Okay, like I was saying, I'm here to say a few words about Sarge.

Grif:
(shouting) Boo! You suck!

Grif:
Sarge, is, is he campaigning for your job at your funeral? Classic.

Sister:
Hey, everybody, I'm new here, and I didn't know Sergeant very well, but he was really old, and that's gross.

Grif:
Haha, I wrote that line!

Simmons:
Grif, let other people have the spotlight for once

Sister:
Anyway, when you're old and gross, you're probably going to die, and that's kind of sad. But when you think about it, all your friends are probably dead, too. And if they're not, then they're definitely old, and knowing old people is even sadder than being dead. So, anyway, whatever. Peace out.

Grif:
Ooh, ooh, ooh, can I go again? I just thought of a swear word that rhymes with Kentucky!

Church:
So, this is it, Tucker. This is your little monstrosity. Your little abomination of nature.

Tucker:
Uh, what do I do?

Church:
Why are you asking me?

Tucker:
I don't know how to be a dad! This isn't the way I planned it!

Church:
You planned this? Tucker, I had no idea.

Tucker:
No, I mean I always wanted to have the ideal father-son relationship. You know, where I see him for like eight hours every week and send checks to some woman I hate.

Caboose:
It's emotional conversations like this that make me miss my mom.

Simmons:
But girls can't be color blind!

Sister:
Yeah? Well they say girls can't ejaculate either, but guess what?

Grif:
Yeah! Wait, what?!

Caboose:
Ask him if he likes baseball.

Church:
It's an alien baby, Caboose.

Caboose:
Ask him if he likes t-ball.

Church:
Alien, Caboose. Alien was the key word in that sentence.

Tucker:
Seriously, don't go. I don't even know where to start.

Church:
Tucker, he's part of an alien race whose only purpose seems to be to tell huge, grandiose lies to people so that they can seduce them and impregnate them. So let's start with that. You know, common ground.

Tucker:
Yeah, I think I'll just stick to baseball.

Caboose:
Tell him about how his dad got to third base with you!

Church:
(annoyed) Caboose!

Donut:
Ohhh, what happened? Where am I? Oh, maybe they know. [walks toward prone figures] But it might be rude to wake them up. I'll just wait here awhile. [pause, starts humming randomly to himself]

Grif:
We didn't even use a coffin! We just threw a bunch of dirt on him!

Simmons:
No, I threw a bunch of dirt on him. You two only pretended to help and made a bunch of digging noises with your mouth!

Grif:
You know that trick?

Sister:
I learned from the best.

Simmons:
Well, as your new commander, you're both going to learn a little discipline. And we're gonna start by running laps around the base. Sister, you can do girly laps.

Grif:
You mean after we dig up Sarge.

Simmons:
No,[switches to shotgun] I mean right now, Grif.

Sister:
What are girly laps?

Grif:
Simmons, I don't think Sarge is going to like you picking up his shotgun.

Simmons:
[pumps shotgun off screen]

Grif:
And I really don't think he's going to like you threatening me with it. Well, okay. He might like that part.

Simmons:
As the new leader, what I say goes. So everyone needs to start running right now.

Grif:
But what about Sarge?

Simmons:
You heard what command said. Sarge is dead. He died of... what'd he die of?

Sister:
Aspirin overdose.

Simmons:
See, Sarge is dead of... an Aspirin overdose? Really?

Sister:
I know, I didn't think it was possible! Trust me, I've tried.

Simmons:
Yeah... wait, what?

Grif:
Simmons, don't be stupid. He's not dead, he's just lying underground covered in dirt!

Sister:
Seriously, what the fuck are girly laps?!

Simmons:
Oh, my God, what's wrong with you? Why didn't you tell us you were a Blue?

Sister:
Because -

Simmons:
And don't say because nobody asked!

Sister:
But nobody did ask!

Simmons:
God damn it.

Grif:
So what if she is a blue? We'll still keep her.

Simmons:
We can't do that! She's on the other team, she'll kill us in our sleep if we keep her!

Sister:
Do I get to do that? 'Cause that would be awesome!

Grif:
No she wouldn't! Besides, she's color blind! We'll just tell her we're blues!

Simmons:
Uh, hello? We already told her we're red. Idiot.

Grif:
Yeah? Well she's fucking dumb, too. Hey, we're blue now.

Sister:
Woo-hoo! Go Blue! Let's win!

Grif:
See?

Church:
Yeah, this is bullshit.

Tucker:
Ask for something else.

Church:
Uh, we want something else!

Grif:
What? I'm releasing a hostage! You don't negotiate up from there!

Tucker:
Got any money?

Grif:
Fuck you, dude! [turns to his sister] Get going. Call me if you have any problems. And don't go near any reds from now on. I'll try to keep our team distracted so they won't attack you. Whatever you do, don't embarrass the family. Think of mom.

Sister:
Don't do me any favors, bitch.

Church:
What else was on the ship?

Grif:
What do you mean?

Church:
Y'know like guns or weapons...

Tucker:
Or snacks! [To Church] Dude I'm just asking 'cause I know you want it too.

Grif:
Nope, just the girl! Sorry, there weren't any more aliens for you guys to fuck!

Tucker:
That's okay, we can still fuck this one!

Sister:
Woo-hoo!

Grif:
God damn it! Never mind, just send her back!

Church:
No take backs!

Grif:
Oh, what the fuck?!

Simmons:
[runs up] Oh my God, Grif, he's gone!

Grif:
Who's gone?

Simmons:
Sarge, he's missing! I dug up his grave and he's not in there!

Grif:
What? Did you dig in the right spot?

Simmons:
Oh, you're right. Maybe I dug up one of the other fresh graves that we just made. I didn't fucking think of that!

Grif:
Oh, calm down.

Simmons:
Don't tell me to be calm, we're down two men now! Well, at least we still have the blue prisoner we can use as leverage. Hey, what are you doing out here in the middle of the canyon?

Grif:
Uh, nothing. So, that Sarge thing's pretty crazy.

Simmons:
Hey, is that your sister over there with the blues? [as Grif slowly leaves] What's she doing over there? Why are they all high fiving? Are they making a cheerleading pyramid? Wow, they're really tossing her high in the air. Grif? Grif? Hey where'd he go?

Church:
Dude, I've had about all the cross-species babies I can take for a while. The last thing I need is a junior Caboose running around with a 130 millimeter cannon for a head. Your little devil spawn is enough for me.

Tucker:
Don't talk about my kid like that!

Church:
What's your deal?

Tucker:
I don't know, I think I'm kind of getting into this whole parenting thing. I caught myself looking at minivans the other day. [shudders] Ugh!

Grif:
Yeah, okay. You're a Blue.

Sister:
Touchdown! Woo-hoo! Go Blue!

Grif:
No, I mean we're Red, but you're Blue. That means you gotta get out of here before Simmons digs up Sarge.

Sister:
I love digging. I wanna help!

Grif:
No, you're leaving.

Sister:
Where am I going?

Grif:
The other base.

Sister:
The Red base?

Grif:
No, the Blue base.

Sister:
We have two bases? Awesome!

Grif:
Move!

Church:
Oh, what, the Reds are giving us prisoners now? Dude, that sounds like bullshit, I smell a trap.

Tucker:
Reds aren't that smart.

Church:
Okay, normally I would agree with that, but this is the orange one, he's pretty crafty. He's a lot like me.

Tucker:
Like you? Shit. Then do I have time to put in my earplugs and hide all our food?

Church:
Up yours, dickhead.

Church:
I know. I figure Doc's mechanic skills are probably about as bad as his first aid skills. He's either gonna fix her by accident, or make her completely inoperable, and then I can go down there and figure out what's really goin' on. Either way, I win. Oh, he might also get blown up by her, that's also good.

Doc:
[talking to Sheila the tank] Yeah, maybe yoga lessons weren't such a good idea after all. Let's try some deep breathing. In through the air filter, out through the manifold. In through the air filter, out through the manifold. [Shelia points her turret at his head] Okay, why don't we try some aversion therapy? Think about something that makes you really angry that isn't me.

Sheila:
Sure. [aims across the gulch, straight at Church far away who sees her taking aim at him throught the sniper rifle]

Church:
Uhhh, yeah... I don't feel as good about my plan as I used to.

Church:
Well, uh, welcome to the blue team. I guess we should probably give you some kind of orientation or something like that. So, this is the, uh, this is the base here. It's the outside of the base, inside's on the inside, you go through that door right there, to the inside. Um, there's a ramp over here. There's another one on the other side. It's kinda smaller. Does the same thing, though. Uh, it's got a basement. There's a middle part and there's a top part. Got some, you know, blue flags here... on the outside. Those come in handy when... you're trying to identify the color of the base. It's blue. Anyway, that pretty much covers the base. So, anyway, uh, that's it.

Sister:
Cool.

Church:
I'm Church. I'm the leader. Everybody looks up to me. Pretty much the only rule for rookies on the blue team is don't kill the leader. That's me.

Sister:
That's it?

Church:
That's it.

Sister:
Sounds easy.

Church:
Yeah, well... we're still waiting for someone to follow that rule. So anyway, tell me about yourself. What's your training?

Sister:
Training?

Church:
Yeah, what have you been told so far?

Sister:
Oh, right. That's the base, and you're the leader, and I shouldn't kill you. Ever. [Pause] Did I pass?

Church:
No, I mean what kind of military training do you have? Uhh, Weapons?

Sister:
Uhh those sound violent.

Church:
Operations?

Sister:
I don't even know how that works.

Church:
Communications?

Sister:
Say What?!

Church:
Intelligence?

Sister:
Uhhh... Huh?

Church:
Oh, great...

Sister:
Yeah, sorry, doesn't sound like I have the skills you need. Unless you want to see my ping-pong ball trick.

Church:
Yeah... Wait, what?

Grif:
Slow down!

Simmons:
There's no time! Sarge is gone! I was digging a hole, and I kept digging, but there was no Sarge! And finally I dug deep enough, and I found another hole!

Grif:
You dug a hole and found a hole. Isn't that what a hole is?

Simmons:
No, no, I mean a hole at the bottom! It opened into some kind of big cavern.

Grif:
[stops] A cavern? A cavern like a cave? Like a cave with bats?

Simmons:
[stops] I don't know, why? Are you afraid of bats or something?

Grif:
Afraid of bats? No! Why would I be afraid of bats? And why would you even ask that question? Were there bats or something? That's kind of a weird thing to ask just for no reason.

Simmons:
I didn't see any bats, okay?

Grif:
Did you hear any bats?

Simmons:
No!

Grif:
Did you smell any bats?

Simmons:
I don't know what bats smell like!

Grif:
And let's hope you never find out. Is it getting dark? We should get inside.

Simmons:
It hasn't gotten dark here in three fucking years, asshole.

Church:
And this is Tucker.

Tucker:
Sup.

Sister:
Hey.

Church:
Tucker's job is to do... what... I guess nothing.

Tucker:
I'm just chillin'. That's the only rule on blue team, rookie. Be cool.

Sister:
I thought the only rule was don't kill the leader?

Tucker:
Yeah, but we break that rule all the time. That's what makes us so cool.

Sister:
Awesome. On the red team, they break that rule-

Alien Baby:
Blarg.

Sister:
Oh cool! You have a dog?

Tucker:
Uh, that's not a dog. That's my kid.

Sister:
Oh, cool! You have a kid that looks like a dog?

Church:
Nice save. Hey, you know what? I think I have the perfect tour guide for you. Hey Caboose! Come here!

Sister:
I thought about having a kid once.

Tucker:
Oh, really? It's a lot of work.

Sister:
Yeah, it seems like it would be hard. But I thought, you know, who wants to be known as the girl who's had seven abortions?

Tucker:
Heh, yeah... Wait, what?

Church:
Alright, this is Caboose. He can tell you everything you possibly need to know about blue base.

Caboose:
[whispering] Is she a mean girl, or a regular girl?

Church:
Caboose, what did I tell you?

Caboose:
That there are no regular girls.

Church:
Exactly. Alright just stick with him, ask him any questions you have, and don't bother me or tucker.

Caboose:
What do I tell her?

Sister:
Well, I already know the rule.

Caboose:
I hate that stupid rule!

Tucker:
Go show her Doc and Sheila.

Caboose:
The purple one is Doc, and the big one is Sheila.

Church:
You know, I was really wishing that would take longer. And further away.

Sister:
Who's the black one?

Church:
The black one?

Sister:
Yeah, the one in the black armor! The one standing right behind you guys.

Caboose:
The black one! Yeah. [pause] Wait, what?

Grif:
Yup, that's the hole all right.

Simmons:
That's what I told you!

Grif:
Huh. And Sarge's body is gone.

Simmons:
Right. I think he fell through that hole into the cavern.

Grif:
Maybe he just disappeared. Dead things do that when you bury them. That's part of the circle of life, you know. It's a miracle when you think about it. No reason to go randomly exploring caves which may or may not contain hundreds of evil bats. That would just be interfering with God's divine plan!

Simmons:
Okay, A: Sarge wasn't dead. B: Decomposing takes months, not minutes. C: His armor would still be here, and D: Shut up, you're going down there. NOW.

Grif:
Why? What do we really need Sarge for anyway? All he ever did was yell at us a bunch and tell us we suck. We'll just split up his duties. You yell at me and I'll tell you you suck.

Simmons:
Shut up and get in the hole, Grif!

Grif:
You suck, Simmons. Oh man, this new system is already working out great! We should have thought of this years ago!

Simmons:
Grif, don't you understand that because we lost Sister, we're horribly outnumbered? We already lost Donut and Sarge. Now it's four on two! The blues are probably gearing up for an enormous attack right now! At any moment they're going to come over that hill, guns blazing, yelling "CHAAAARGE!"

Church:
RETREAT!

Tucker:
Ahh!

Caboose:
Sprinting! Sprinting! Oh, crap!

Sister:
Who is that?

Tucker:
That's Tex.

Sister:
Whoa! He's a badass!

Caboose:
[catches a bullet in the helmet] Ow.

Sister:
He's kinda hot.

Tucker:
Tex isn't a guy; she's a girl.

Sister:
Ohh, sorry, she is a badass. She's kinda hot.

Tucker:
[as they take cover behind the base] She's actually Church's ex-girlfriend.

Sister:
Oh, yeah? Why aren't you guys dating anymore? [Tex throws another grenade at them which explodes nearby]

Church:
Are you seriously asking that question right now?

Caboose:
The last time I was shot I got a purple heart. Yeah, I hope this time I get a purple lung. You see, eventually I hope to build an entire purple person. And we will be best friends.

Tucker:
Maybe you should ask for a purple brain.

Caboose:
You're just jealous 'cause you have no friends.

Tucker:
Why is she shooting at us?

Church:
How do I know? And why are you acting like this is unusual?

Tucker:
Well, go out there and tell her to stop!

Church:
Yeah... I'll get right on that.

Sister:
Aren't you like, the leader, or something?

Church:
Uh, yeah, Sister, I am the leader, which is why I am officially appointing you our field negotiator.

Sister:
Awesome!

Church:
Yes, congratulations, we're all very proud of you. Your first job is to get Tex to stop firing at us.

Sister:
Cool. [stands up] Hey Tex! Stop shooting, you stupid bitch!

Tucker:
Nice negotiating. [Tex stops shooting]

Church:
She stopped firing. I think that actually worked. Maybe she's out of ammo. Let me check.

Church:
[stands up, and promptly gets shot in the head by a sniper round] Nope, she still has ammo.

Tucker:
Nice recon work.

Church:
I'm gonna go get my body back.

Tucker:
Yeah, good idea.

Grif:
Aaaaaaaah! [Grif falls, flailing and screaming, into a large cave. Simmons gracefully lands behind him]

Simmons:
Ta da!

Grif:
[stands up] Ugh. You didn't have to push.

Simmons:
Yeah, I didn't have to, but it sure was fun. I got a cool screenshot from my visor of you flailing, too. Guess who has a new desktop wallpaper! This guy.

Church:
Hey, Tucker, is my body on straight?

Tucker:
Dude, I don't even know what that means.

Tex:
Freeze! Nobody move!

Tucker:
We were already not moving. You could've just said "everyone keep doing what your not doing."

Tex:
Shut up!

Tucker:
Whatever.

Church:
Tex, what is your problem?

Tex:
My problem is that O'Malley isn't in Doc anymore. He's jumped into somebody new, and I'm not trusting anyone 'til I find out who.

Church:
Yeah, we already know we're on top of the situation.

Tex:
You are, then who did O'Malley jump into.

Church:
Oh yeah I meant-I meant we were on top of everything until that point.

Tex:
Typical..

Sister:
Who's O'Malley?

Tucker:
Ah, its just some computer program that wants to destroy the universe. He infects people from time to time but, its no big deal.

Sister:
Sounds scary.

Tucker:
Oh, it's all good, baby. I'll protect you.

Sister:
Yeah, that's what the last guy said and now I can't stop scratching

Tucker:
Okay, never mind.

Church:
None of us are infected, Tex, but I'm a little worried about the tank, she's been acting a little weird lately. Can an AI be planted on... [pauses] Tex?

Tex:
Who's the girl?

Church:
What? Who, Sister? Oh, she's just a new recruit.

Tex:
You mean to tell me that I'm only gone a few weeks, and you guys get yourself a new girl?

Church:
Oh... um...

Tucker:
Whoa. Tread lightly, dude, tread... lightly.

Caboose:
You know, I wasn't actually scared, until right just now.

Church:
Oh, this is not gonna work out well for us.

Tucker:
Dude, are you kidding? We finally have two girls on our team! You know what that means!

Caboose:
Yeah! Co-ed softball team! I'm gonna go get my baseball racquet.

Church:
Tucker, I know what you're thinking, and it's not gonna happen.

Tucker:
Oh, why not?

Church:
Because girls can't share anything. Not even an apartment. Every time girls live together, within six months they all hate each other, and somebody gets stuck with a $1200 phone bill. That's fact.

Tucker:
Ah, let them fight. As long as we get to watch them making up who cares? We can even record it and sell copies to the Reds!

Sarge:
Stupid Grif and Simmons. Can't even build a regulation grave! What did we bring all those drills for! So, this is the afterlife, huh? Heh, not too impressive if you ask me. This place is a wreck! Who's in charge here, anyway? Need to get me a couple of marine angels, get this place spick and span in no time! You know, now that I think about it, I don't seem to remember much about underground caves in the Bible. Not even in that new Bible they rewrote in 2040, with that big chase scene and that weird cameo by Ben Stiller. That guy's a nut. Wait a minute, afterlife? Underground cave? What if this isn't heaven? What if it's... no, it couldn't be! Could it? [Donut walks up]

Donut:
Oh, hey, Sarge! What are you doing down here?

Sarge:
It is! Oh, it is!

Sarge:
Nooooo! Moan...

Donut:
It's been crazy down here, Sarge.

Sarge:
Nooo...

Donut:
You wouldn't believe all the stuff I found!

Sarge:
Sorrowful sounds! Pleas for forgiveness!

Donut:
Sarge, keep it down!

Sarge:
I have sinned!

Donut:
We don't want them to hear you!

Sarge:
Donut! Don't interrupt my resentful moaning! If I want God to forgive me, I need to be as miserable as possible. He loves that stuff.

Donut:
This isn't hell, Sarge! And you're not dead!

Sarge:
Repent! Repent!

Donut:
Come on, Sarge, be quiet. I've been exploring down here and I found some really crazy stuff. Look!

Sarge:
Why, that crazy fort looks like a Blue base! And just when I thought hell couldn't get any worse.

Donut:
Yeah, but look at that!

Sarge:
What in the hell is that thing?

Donut:
I don't know, but it sure looks a lot like the motorcycle I found in the cave upstairs!

Sarge:
Donut, why didn't you report this?

Donut:
I couldn't! My radio broke when I fell! [radio turns on]

Simmons:
[on the radio] Hello, Sarge? Are you there?

Sarge:
Hello, is that you, Simmons?

Donut:
No, I'm Do-nut. Did you get amnesia from your fall or something?

Sarge:
Shut up, Donut!

Donut:
Uh, okay.

Simmons:
[on the radio] Sarge, we're down in the cave with you. Are you okay? Please tell me you're okay!

Sarge:
Fine, what's your location.

Donut:
I'm standing right here, next to you.

Sarge:
Shut up!

Simmons:
[On the radio] We're looking for you right now. This place is huge! Grif is with me and we're up on top of some sort of peninsular outcropping.

Sarge:
Uh, you're on top of Grif's what?

Donut:
Grif isn't anywhere around here.

Sarge:
Donut, I told you to be quiet!

Donut:
Well stop asking me stuff, then!

Simmons:
[On the radio] No, we're on a peninsular ledge trying to find you.

Sarge:
Roger that, I've got Donut. Sit tight and we'll find you.

Simmons:
[cut to Grif and Simmons] Roger that, Simmons out.

Grif:
Dude, what was all that stuff about your penis ruler?

Donut:
Sarge, I don't think you realize just how big this place is! There's no landmarks or anything! Just one rock after another that all look the same. Finding them will be like finding a needle in a haystack!

Sarge:
They said they were standing on some kind of a penis ni-

Donut:
I know where that is! Let's go!

Sarge:
The Blues never sleep! They're too busy plotting to destroy our way of life! That's how you can always spot a Blue, Donut. They're always the ones conniving and scheming. Sometimes they do both! I call that... schenniving!

Donut:
And you know what else? You can also tell they're Blue because of their Blue armor!

Sarge:
Yeah, that too. You know, at first I thought this cave was pretty dismal. But it's amazing how a couple of Blue corpses can spruce up the place! Make it feel like home.

Donut:
Yeah, we could hang a couple of drapes, get some wicker chairs! Oh, this place will be fantastic!

Tucker:
No way! I'm a lover, not a sneaker!

Doc:
That's your response to everything.

Tucker:
What can I tell you? I'm a lover, not a thinker.

Grif:
I heard something that time!

Simmons:
You didn't hear anything! [dripping sound]

Grif:
There! Did you hear that?

Simmons:
Yes, I heard water dripping.

Grif:
Sounds like bats!

Simmons:
Bats aren't made of liquid. Bats don't drip!

Grif:
Bat Water!

Simmons:
There are no bats!

Grif:
You don't know, what if you're wrong?

Simmons:
Okay, idiot, let's assume I'm wrong. Let's assume there are bats. So what? You're wearing state of the art, biomechanical body armor. It's designed to deflect bullets and absorb explosions. What can a five ounce flying rodent possibly do? [Pause]

Grif:
So basically you're saying that you think there's bats!

Simmons:
Sure. Why not?

Grif:
I'm getting the heck out of here!

Simmons:
No you're not, Grif, we're standing right here. I told Sarge we wouldn't move, and we're not moving.

Grif:
At least let's go stand by the light!

Simmons:
No, that would be moving, and thus would violate our strict no moving policy.

Grif:
But the light would -

Simmons:
No.

Grif:
- help us see the bats -

Simmons:
No.

Grif:
- and their fangs!

Simmons:
No!

Grif:
Hey, you know what else might be in the cave, Simmons? Snakes.

Simmons:
You're an idiot, Grif. Why would you bring up snakes?

Grif:
Well, I'm just saying I know you don't like snakes, and snakes do live in caves, and we are in a cave, and snakes like to crawl right up next to people in caves, and then they -

Simmons:
All right, screw it. I'm gonna go stand by the light.

Church:
If only we knew somebody Sheila trusted. And it would have to be someone kind of dumb. So we could fool them into betraying that trust... for our purposes... [Tucker and Church turn to Caboose]

Caboose:
Hey... Everyone is looking at me... I love when they do that! Hi, everybody!

Doc:
I talked to Sheila, and you guys were right. She definitely seems a little odd.

Church:
Yup. So what do you think?

Doc:
I... think she seems like there's something wrong.

Church:
That's your diagnosis? That's why we sent you down there, man! Because we knew something was wrong!

Doc:
I'm a medic, what do you want from me?

Church:
How 'bout fixing her?

Doc:
Surprisingly, my medical training didn't really cover internal combustion.

Church:
What a shitty medical school.

Tucker:
Yeah, where'd you go, the University of Jamaica?

Doc:
Oh please, I wouldn't be caught dead on that campus. I went to Jamaica State! We were the Jamaica State Fighting Irish!

Church:
That's Notre Dame.

Doc:
Well, since we're international, we don't really have to adhere to the stringent U.S. copyright laws, so -

Church:
Never mind. Just go back down there and see if you can reboot Sheila.

Doc:
Reboot her?

Tucker:
Yeah, dude, that's how you fix broken stuff. You turn her off, and you turn her back on again. She'll be fine.

Doc:
I don't think that'll work.

Church:
Uh, pardon me, it works great. We already rebooted the toaster, we rebooted the teleporter -

Tucker:
Yeah, I still don't know if that think has got all the bugs worked out.

Church:
We even rebooted Caboose's armor once. Although that took a lot longer to come back online than we thought it would.

Caboose:
It was dark and I got to hold my breath. I'm pretty sure there was no side effects.

Sarge:
It's just that I can't shake this feeling that we're beeeeeeeeeeing watched! [spins around] Ha! Gotcha! Oh, son of a...

Donut:
Um... That was pretty dramatic.

Sarge:
Yeah, it usually works better if there's somebody standing there. Kind of like this! [spins around] Damn it! I'm usually not wrong about this kind of thing! [spins around] Hello! [grumbles unintelligbly]

Donut:
Do you have a good sixth sense?

Sarge:
No, stupid! Sensor activated proximity radar! It's standard issue! Guess I need to get mine calibrated. [turns] Hey, what the heck is that thing?

Grif:
If we're in a cave, why are there lights down here?

Simmons:
[voice slows down] That's a pretty good point, Grif.

Grif:
What the... [Grif sees a large glowing pink dart is imbedded in Simmons neck] Are you okay?

Simmons:
Yeah, why do you ask?

Grif:
Huh. You got a pink thing on you.

Simmons:
[voice slows more] Huh? Like a snake? Get it off. [collapses]

Grif:
Simmons? Simmons? [turns] Huh? [another dart flys into his neck] Ow. [Nine more darts shoot into him] Ow! [a dart flys into his crotch] [voice slows]Oh hey, look, bat people. Please don't eat me, bat people... [collapses]

Doc:
Hey, who's the yellow soldier?

Tucker:
That's just Sister. She's new.

Doc:
No one told me about a new arrival! I'm supposed to examine everyone before they assume active duty!

Tucker:
Don't sweat it, I already checked her out for you. Diagnosis: F-I-N-E. [pause] That spells fine.

Doc:
Thanks, but I think a trained medical professional should be the one to-

Tucker:
I'm a doctor! A doctor of love. PhD. Certified in Love-ology. General Harrastitioner. Sexacologist.

Doc:
First of all, love is not an officially recognized medical specialty, and also, PhDs? Ha! Not really doctors!

Tucker:
Dude, you're a dork.

Sister:
Hey.

Tucker:
What's up, Sis? What'd you and Tex talk about?

Sister:
Uh, she was just talking about everyone here, how you're all idiots and jerks, but you guys are her idiots and jerks, that if I tried to become more popular than her she would talk about me behind my back and turn everyone against me, and then I would cry and everybody would hate me. You know, girl stuff!

Tucker:
Cool. Oh hey, speaking of girl stuff, this is Doc.

Sister:
Hi!

Doc:
Uh, hello, nice to meet you, I'm the medic, and if it's all right with you I need to give you a quick physical examination since you're new. Do you want to come in the base where you might feel more comfortable taking off all your clothes?

Sister:
Sure. Lead the way. See ya, Tucker.

Tucker:
...What the fuck just happened?

Church:
Just smooth talk her!

Caboose:
Uh, I don't know how to do that.

Church:
Just tell her she's pretty! Or that she's got that new tank smell, or something. Complement her treads, it doesn't matter!

Caboose:
I don't know...

Church:
It's easy! Look, here, just practice on Tex. She's... womanish.

Tex:
Pardon me?

Church:
Do you want Caboose to run decoy for you, or do you want to try this on your own? [Sheila fires a blast into the canyon wall]

Tex:
[Pause] I see your point.

Church:
Go ahead.

Caboose:
Hello... Tex... [Tucker runs up]

Tucker:
Dude, you will not believe what Doc just pulled off!

Church:
Shut up, Tucker, don't interrupt.

Tucker:
Interrupt what?

Caboose:
Tex... I think you are pretty... and you haven't hurt my body in a long time, so I was hoping that we could talk and be friends maybe and hold hands and you would go with me, and when you went with me you would be my real girlfriend.

Tex:
[Forced] I think that would be... nice, Caboose. We should definitely... [sigh] do that.

Tucker:
What the hell? Tex, have you gone crazy? If you wanna get with somebody, get with me! The love doctor! I'm a real man! I will rock your fucking world! [Tex looks to Church]

Church:
Hey, don't look at me. He's not part of the plan. [Tex smashes Tucker's face with her rifle]

Tucker:
Ow! What is going on around here?

Caboose:
I don't think I'm going to use Tucker's "rock your world" line. I think I'm gonna stick with my own material.

Donut:
Sarge, I found Simmons. He's over here, sleeping on the job.

Simmons:
Donut, I'm not sleeping, I was drugged!

Donut:
Sorry, Sarge. He's not sleeping. He's doing drugs! [Simmons gets up]

Simmons:
Shut up, Donut, I'm not doing drugs, we were attacked! Ah, they must have used some sort of tranquilizer on me and... Grif? Where's Grif?

Donut:
Maybe he's out scoring you junkies some more drugs!

Simmons:
They must have taken him!

Sarge:
Who would take Grif? Garbage collectors?

Simmons:
The people who ambushed us! We have to find him! Luckily, I implanted a tracking chip in his armor. I wanted to be able to find him when it was time to work. I should be able to lock onto his signal in just a few seconds...

Sarge:
A few seconds? That sounds entirely hopeless! Well, Grif, we'll miss you. You were a good soldier. Using the widest possible definition of good... and soldier.

Simmons:
I've got a signal!

Sarge:
He's probably a million miles away by now!

Simmons:
Actually, he's only a tenth of a mile away.

Sarge:
But who knows what direction!

Simmons:
That direction.

Sarge:
Exactly. We did our best, Simmons. Let's head back to base and call for a replacement troop. Where's my shotgun?

Simmons:
I don't see it anywhere. I guess they took it when they took Grif.

Sarge:
Ugh. What direction did you say?

Simmons:
That way, sir.

Sarge:
Come on, let's go.

Church:
So Caboose is going to be up front talking to her, and while he's got her distracted, you sneak around the back, access the panel, and shut her down.

Tex:
Okay. I'll do it. [Pause]

Church:
What, that's it? You will? No bargaining? No ridiculous demands?

Tex:
No. I'm trying to find O'Malley and his friend. In a way, you guys are helping me. If anyone should be making demands, it should be you.

Church:
Oh, well in that case-

Tex:
Forget it. Deal's done.

Church:
Dammit.

Caboose:
Um, how should I distract Sheila?

Church:
Just talk to her! Keep her attention, that's it.

Caboose:
I... don't know, we kinda have a history... uh, she may not want to talk to me.

Church:
So? Tex and I have a rough history. Doesn't mean we can't be professional and hold a conversation.

Tex:
I wouldn't exactly call them conversations.

Church:
Ugh, get off my back, woman, can't you see I'm working here?

Tex:
Please! You call this working?

Caboose:
See, uh, this is exactly what could happen with me and Sheila, only with more getting shot by tanks.

Church:
Caboose, if that happened, I'm sure the shell would just bounce off you and land on me somehow.

Church:
Well, I suppose I should figure out a way to get Tex to reboot Sheila. Man, I'm gonna have to call in a lot of favors for this one.

Tucker:
What favors could you possibly have stored up with someone who dumped you?

Church:
She didn't dump me, Tucker, it was mutual.

Tucker:
Mutual in what way? Mutual in the sense that you were both single the moment after she dumped you?

Church:
Yeah. That way. C'mon, Caboose. Let's go explain the plan to Tex. Wish us luck.

Tucker:
Yeah right. Hey, when she kills you, I'm gonna sell your armor to that pink guy on the red team. I hear he's in the market.

Tucker:
Junior? Junior? Hey Junior? Where did you go?

Junior:
Honk!

Tucker:
There you are!

Junior:
Honk!

Tucker:
You little rascal.

Junior:
[quietly and high-pitched] Honk!

Doc:
Okay, Sister. Any other conditions I should know about?

Sister:
Umm, Let's see... You know about all the ways I'm contagious...

Tucker:
Hey, what's going on here?

Sister:
Oh! I'm color-blind!

Doc:
Really? That's weird, but I don't think it'll cause any problems here. Okay, go ahead and bend over.

Sister:
Sure. Like this?

Doc:
Wow! Yeah! You're really limber and in a really great shape.

Sister:
Yeah I am!

Doc:
I'm not gonna play against you in Twister.

Sister:
Check this out!

Doc:
Wowsers! I didn't even know a leg could bend that far. That is a leg, right? Okay. Oh and by the way, sorry if my hands are cold.

Sister:
That's cool. Sorry if my body is a little hot.

Tucker:
[standing behind a corner] Hey, do you guys need any help in there?

Sister:
Is someone spying on us? Yes! Hot!

Doc:
No, we're good! Hey Sister? You want me to turn up the heat or something? You look like you're...

Sister:
Eh, I'll be okay. Hard nipples won't kill you.

Tucker:
I could just walk around this corner, if you need me to. Wouldn't be a problem.

Doc:
We got it! Hey, sorry I got you all wet before. I didn't even know how that bucket of baby oil got up on that shelf. That was weird.

Sister:
That's okay. I think it will actually help. Squeezing these puppies into the armor could be a little difficult.

Tucker:
Maybe I should just look in there and see if there's anything I can do.

Doc:
No thanks, Tucker. Maybe they need your help with the tank instead. You'll probably be a lot more valuable out there. What we're doing in here is pretty routine. Hey are you double-jointed?

Sister:
Yeah.

Tucker:
[sarcastic] Great!

Junior:
Honk!

Tucker:
Don't rub it in.

Junior:
[in an apologetic manner] blarg.

Simmons:
Come on. Grif should be right over here.

Donut:
Don't listen to him, Sarge! He's just trying to score more drugs to keep his habit alive! Remember last month, when he asked for money? It was for drugs!

Sarge:
That was part of the budgetary meeting, Donut! He needed more funds for vehicle maintenance.

Donut:
Enabler!

Simmons:
I see something.

Sarge:
Ah, there's my shotgun! Mission accomplished! Excellent work, men. Let's hang up a banner.

Simmons:
There's Grif.

Sarge:
Oh right, and Grif... Excellent- somethin'-or-other... He[Grif moaning]-w-why do I even bother?

Grif:
[Weak] What happened? What did you do to me?

Simmons:
We got knocked-the fuck-out out! And the people who did it must've taken you.

Grif:
Oh, right. They kept asking me questions... They wanted information...

Sarge:
Information? What did the-

Simmons:
Woah, woah, they wanted information and they took you!? Why wouldn't they take me?

Sarge:
What did they look like?

Simmons:
Sarge, please. I was right there next to you. If they needed information, why would they take you instead of me?

Grif:
What, are you jealous? Jesus..

Simmons:
No. I think if you're gonna drug and torture people, you don't need to insult their intelligence too. That's just mean.

Grif:
Yeah, you're jealous.

Sarge:
Besides, takin' all the fun out of interrogating.

Sheila:
Luckily, I know where Omega is.

Caboose:
You do? Where?

Sheila:
He is inside [Tex deactivates Sheila, and her voice fizzles out]

Tex:
Got it!

Caboose:
...who is "bloooore?"

Tex:
If we set up a hard-line, yeah, I bet we could do it.

Tucker:
CHURCH, WAIT!

Church:
Huh?

Tucker:
Church, hold on a second, I've got something to tell you!

Church:
Tucker, what? What is it?

Tucker:
I just wanted to say... I got a hard-line Tex can use. Bow chicka bow wow.

Tex:
How did you even hear that?

Tucker:
Phh, I'm like Superman, I know when I'm needed.

Sarge:
Shake it off you big orange baby, what happened to you?

Donut:
He's been chasing the dragon.

Simmons:
Donut, shut up, he was drugged just like me.

Donut:
That's what I'm saying! He fell off the wagon, and shook hands with the Devil!

Simmons:
Shut up!

Donut:
He's been ridin' the wave, and trippin' the technicolor dreamscape. Far out, man. Druggie loser.

Simmons:
Will, you, stop, Donut! All you're doing with your stupid anti-drug lingo is making me actually want to try drugs.

Donut:
Choose life, Simmons. Choose it.

Grif:
Wait a second- I can prove I'm not crazy, 'cause of the bomb. The bomb!

Simmons:
Yeah, that's a good way to prove you aren't insane. Just start screaming "the bomb, the bomb."

Sarge:
Sounds like we've stumbled across something totally diabolical! Good work uncovering the plot, Simmons.

Simmons:
Thank you, sir.

Grif:
Simmons!? I just told you everything!

Sarge:
But Simmons was the one that led us to you after he stealthily avoided capture.

Grif:
Avoided capture!? They knocked him out first and picked me at random!

Sarge:
Yes. A randomness that Simmons used to save the day!

Grif:
He had nothing to do with that!

Sarge:
But it was Simmons that found the underground cave.

Grif:
By trying to bury you alive!

Sarge:
A tactic that was clearly multi-layered. Once again Simmons' treasonous insurrection proves to be the glue that holds this unit together.

Simmons:
Just wait 'til you hear about my upcoming assassination attempt.

Sarge:
Oh, don't spoil it!

Simmons:
Sarge, I'm not sure Grif knows what he's talking about.

Sarge:
Grif don't know what he's talking about, eh? Stop the fucking presses.

Church:
You can't just show up here and start bossing people around, Tex. Bossing people around is my job. I put in the time.

Tex:
I had to leave. I found Wyoming.

Church:
Yeah, Tucker told me. What happened?

Tex:
I filetracked him back to O'Malley, but by the time that York and I got there... (interrupted by Church)

Church:
York? Your old freelancer buddy? Was Carolina with him?

Tex:
She was already dead.

Caboose:
And what about Bermuda?

Church:
That's not a state dumbass!

Caboose:
Portland?

Church:
Shut up!

Tex:
But he still had Delta.

Church:
Delta? The AI? How? I thought they took them... Wait a minute, wait a minute... How was he even still alive? Aren't we hundreds of years in the future?

Tex:
I thought it was because of his armour. You know all the freelancer suits had some kind of enhancement.

Church:
Right! Like your invisibility.

Caboose:
And horrible meanness.

Church:
No dude, that's all natural.

Tex:
York's was some kind of healing mechanism. It would help him recover from wounds in battle. I thought it might have kept him alive all these years. But after I found Wyoming, I knocked him out and downloaded logs from his helmet. There's something going on, Church, with a lot of people working against us.

Church:
Well, what did Wyoming say when he woke up?

Tex:
He didn't. Before I could interrogate him, he teleported away. One second he was there and the next he was gone.

Caboose:
What about the second after that?

Tex:
Can I kill him, please?

Church:
No, I'm saving him in case we ever need him for food. So... Wyoming's armor lets him teleport.

Tex:
I don't think so. I think someone grabbed him from somewhere else.

Church:
How's that possible? The only technology I know that could do that is... (pause) Wait a minute... Each freelancer had enhanced suit of armour and AI, right?

Tex:
Right.

Caboose:
Right....

Church:
Your armour was invisibility, and your A.I. was Omega?

Tex:
Right.

Caboose:
Wrong. Oops, missed that one! Could we go back?

Church:
Who was Wyoming's AI?

Tex:
Gamma.

Church:
(Sigh) I got to make a phone call.

Gary:
Hello.

Church:
Hello, this is Church, Gary. Or should I call you Gamma? Have you been lying to us?

Gary:
Lying is such a shisno concept. I mean human concept.

Church:
You're a computer, I thought computers can`t lie.

Gary:
They can if they are programmed to lie.

Church:
Were you programmed to lie?

Gary:
(pause) ...No.

Church:
God damn it!

Gary:
I have to go, Church.

Church:
Wait! What about the aliens? How do we... (interupted by Gary)

Gary:
Goodbye.

Wyoming:
Do they know?

Gary:
It is nothing to worry about. We are close to the end. We will not be stopped now.

Wyoming:
We should get going. Hop in.

Vic:
Hello! Ringy-ding. Blue Base, come in. Hello.

Church:
Wha? Hello? Vic, is that you?

Vic:
Hey dude, how's it going? Been a while since we spoke.

Church:
Why're you calling me?

Vic:
Everything been going good, yeah that's great, listen don't have much time to talk. Ah... Been discussing things here at Blue Command. We think everything is bad and... now is the time to attack the red base. Turns out the red troops are up to no good and someone needs to kill them. A good way to do that might be to send some people to the caves. Yeah... Take them by surprise. Anyway, can't talk gotta go see you hasta la vista.

Church:
Wait. [agitated] Why do people keep hanging up on me?!!

Sarge:
Oh! Whats all this business?

Simmons:
It looks like a bunch of computer equipments, Sir.

Sarge:
Excellent analysis, Simmons

Donut:
And it's attached to some kind of TV thing.

Sarge:
So it is... Astute deduction, Donut.

Grif:
It shows all different parts of the canyon. Look, there's our base!

Sarge:
Ah... yes. Another incredible observation from the 'Stating the Obvious Department'. Thanks for nothing, numbnuts.

Sarge:
Simmons, Donut, you two stay here. Grif's going to continue to help look for Andy.

Grif:
Fine. (sigh) I hate my job.

Donut:
Look, there's my room! And the locker room! And there's the showers! Man, so many good memories.

Simmons:
I hope this thing isn't connected to the Internet.

Sarge:
Ah... The Blues must have set this up! Crafty devils! Spying on us all along. What's all that?

Simmons:
Looks like the blue base!

Sarge:
Why would the Blues spy on themselves?

Simmons:
Maybe the Blues didn't set this up. Someone else might have.

Sarge:
Or maybe the Blues are so incredibly arrogant, they just want to see themselves on TV. Or I bet they have those stupid liberal legal time laws. Blue commie bastards.

Simmons:
What if all this technology is just left over from an ancient civilization that was way more advanced than us?

Donut:
Wait a minute. How could an ANCIENT civilization be MORE advanced? If they were so advanced, where did they go?

Simmons:
They could have mysteriosly disappeared! Only leaving behind a legacy of enigmatic technology...

Donut:
(turning to Simmons) That's gay!

Simmons:
Let's finish this fight later.

Sarge:
Look! What's that?

Simmons:
(surprised) That looks like Sister's armour!

Donut:
Oh no! What happened to her?

Sarge:
Clearly she's been disintegrated!

Donut:
Why would they do that?

Simmons:
We can't tell Grif! He`s going to be devastated!

Grif:
(bored) Tell me what?

Sarge:
Tell you that your Sister's been vaporised by the Blues.

Grif:
(shocked) What!?

Simmons:
Sarge!!

Sarge:
(laughing) It`s like ripping off a bandage, Quick and incredibly painful.

Simmons:
We just talked about this! I thought we agreed not to tell him!

Grif:
(mournfully) What?

Donut:
You really need to start thinking about other people's feelings, Sarge!

Sarge:
Son, the only thing I need to do is stay red and die!

Simmons:
I'm really sorry, Grif. She's dead.

Grif:
(sad) How could this have happened? Oh man... That was my little sister. I mean, I know we don't always see eye to eye, but I still loved her!

Simmons:
This has to be hard, Grif! I... don't know what to say.

Grif:
I just.... I had no idea the last time I saw her was gonna be the last time ever! I'd give anything to see her again and just talk to her one last time. But I'm never gonna get that chance. It's the most empty feeling in the whole world.

Donut:
Oh, hey, look!! She's not dead! She's just naked!

Grif:
(angry) What? That little slut! I'm gonna kill her!

Simmons:
Take a screenshot, take a screenshot!

Grif:
[yelling] PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON! What's the one thing I told you?! Don't embarrass the family!

Simmons:
I don't think she's embarrassing it - Whoa! Why is she doing splits?

Sarge:
Huh, is this that Facebook thing I keep hearing about?

Simmons:
Does this thing take dollar bills?

Grif:
Come on! That's my sister! And you're looking at her naked!

Simmons:
So? She's not our sister.

Grif:
Stop looking at her!

Simmons:
Why does Donut get to look?

Donut:
Hey! Why does the Blue base get so much more natural light than ours? It gives the interior a much more airy and open feeling.

Grif:
That's why Donut gets to look.

Sarge:
[frustrated] Oh, look, she is putting her armor back on!... Oh, I mean [changes tone] Oh, look! she is putting her armor back on. Good work, soldier!

Grif:
Don't patronize me.

Simmons:
It looks like the Blues are having some kind of meeting.

Sarge:
What? I knew it. They're coming to attack our base. Dirty back stabbers!

Donut:
I thought the Blues were supposed to attack our base.

Sarge:
Dirty front stabbers!

Sarge:
Simmons! What are they saying?

Simmons:
I have no idea. I can't find the volume on this monitor. Without any sound, it just looks like a bunch of helmets bobbing up and down.

Sarge:
Is that how they talk? They look ridiculous.

Caboose:
What about me? Can I get lost too?

Tex:
No, Caboose. I need you to stay here and watch Shiela.

Church:
Yeah, if the transfer gets interrupted, we might lose her altogether.

Caboose:
Oh, that would be bad.

Church:
Riiiiight. Otherwise, how would you accidentally kill people?

Caboose:
Well, I suppose I could always-

Church:
Shut up. That was rhetorical.

Tucker:
Well little dude, I guess there's a time when every little boy becomes a man.

Doc:
Tucker he's only three days old.

Tucker:
Yeah, they grow up so fast.

Church:
Also he's not a boy, he's a grub.

Tucker:
The point is, you're on your own now, and I don't have time to tell you everything you need to know. So here's a few brief pointers: Invest in real estate, there's no such thing as a permanent record, always eat breakfast, all the girls on the internet are actually dudes, and you should never, ever buy the extended warranty on anything. Ever. Oh also, chicks like it when you tell them you're pretty, but they also like it when you're kind of a dick to 'em. So mix it up a little.

Church:
Tucker let's go!

Tucker:
Okay, little dude, I gotta go now. Tex needs me and Church to back her up.

Junior:
Blarg Chicka honk honk.

Doc:
Huh. I guess you have been teaching him some stuff.

Tucker:
Teach? You don't teach that. Thats just genetic.

[Tex is approaching the Red base while Church and Tucker look on from a cliff.]

Church:
(through the sniper scope) I don't see anything at all. It's like they're all hiding or somethin'.

Tucker:
Uh, what do you see?

Church:
(annoyed) I just said I don't see anything, I just said that.

Tucker:
(whiny) Man, I hate that I never get the fucking sniper rifle!

Church:
Oh, yeah, boo hoo. All you've got is your stupid awesome sword, I feel so sorry for you.

Tucker:
Come on dude, just once. Let me use it, just one time, I won't ever ask again! Pleeeeeeeease? Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease?

Church:
Can I use the sword?

Tucker:
Oh, hell yes!

Church:
Fine, here.

Tucker:
Oh kickass! [They swap weapons.] Heh heh! Okay no, wait, how do I zoom? I'm zoomed!

Church:
Hey Tucker, the sword doesn't even work. What a fuckin' gyp.

Tucker:
Now how do I—wait what is this thing?

Church:
Okay, whatever dude, just don't-

[Tucker shoots Tex in the ass]

Tex:
OW!

Church:
What the fuck, did you just fire that thing?

Tucker:
Oops! That was an accident.

Church:
We're supposed to be sneaking up on them, dumbass! [Tucker sees Tex approaching them through the scope.] They're gonna hear us, gimme it back!

Tucker:
Um, yeah, okay take it back.

[They swap weapons again.]

Church:
I knew there was a reason I didn't let you use this thing all these years. Hey, Tex, what're you doing back?

[Tex punches Church in the face.]

Church:
OW! What the fuck did I do!?

Tex:
Asshole!

Tucker:
I told him to be careful with that thing. He's just not very good with it.

Caboose:
And now, you can fly!

Tucker:
Looks like the reds pulled out. Does that mean we win?

Church:
I suppose so. I guess that means we have two bases in the middle of a box canyon.

Tucker:
Whoop-dee-fuckin-doo.

Sister:
Oh my god! Head!

Doc:
Ok please, really, no more stories.

Sister:
Seriously, it's a head! Look.

Doc:
Huh?

Lopez:
(Spanish) Yo.

Doc:
Oh, it's you.

Lopez:
(Spanish) Whatever, some way to treat your sidekick. Gone for days and you don't even look for me.

Sister:
You know him?

Doc:
You speak Spanish?

Sister:
Uh, of course I do. It's the year 2500 and I'm from America.

Doc:
Oh, cool. Tell him O'Malley's gone.

Sister:
(Spanish) O'Malley isn't here. He already left.

Lopez:
(Spanish) Your Spanish sucks.

Vic Jr.:
Okay dude; calm down. Take a chill pill. If you don't have a chill pill, take one of those chill strips. You put it on your tongue, it dissolves, chill.

Sarge:
Shut up, Grif!

Grif:
Did that order come from Command?

Sarge:
In fact, it did! And they also ordered my foot to report up your ass on the double!

Simmons:
[watching the exchange at the underground computer; sighs] I can't believe I donated organs for this fucking war.

Church:
None of that stuff makes me O'Malley, it just makes me a bad leader.

Tucker:
Why do you want my kid?

Wyoming:
Because he's very special.

Tucker:
Yeah, I guess I should've read to him more.

Wyoming:
Not that kind of special you half wit!

(The tank appears)

Church:
Yeah! Caboose came though. See that, Wyoming? Now we have our tank. Booya, motherfucker!

Wyoming:
Mwhawhawha! Your tank?

Gary:
Knock knock, Church.

Church:
Aw, crap. Is it just me or does something dramatic happen like every five minutes? I can not be the only person who notices this.

Gary:
Firing main cannon.

(Grif and Simmons are arguing)

Sarge:
Can it, you two.

Andy:
Yeah! You're giving me a headache!

Simmons:
Andy? Is that you?

Andy:
No, I'm the other talking bomb, Francis! Pleased to meet you, ya dickhead!

Andy:
Oh, Hey Lopez.

Lopez:
MEH (caption: Up Yours.)

(Running straight towards Wyoming and Gary the Tank from across the field):

Caboose:
Church! I'm coming to help! Don't start without me!

Wyoming:
It's the idiot! Take care of him.

Gary:
Right.

Tucker:
Caboose! No! Stay back! Don't get near the tank! (Gary opens fire on Caboose) tank-!

Caboose:
Uuuggaah!!!

Church:
Caboose! NOOOOOO!

Sarge:
Whoa, looks like the blue one just got killed by their own tank.

Simmons:
A blue got killed by their own tank. Man, I just had the weirdest sense of deja vu.

Grif:
Hey, speaking of getting tanked, we should check if the blues have any beer around here!

Sarge:
Hiyoh!

Sarge:
Whoa, looks like the blue one just got sniped.

Grif:
Hey, speaking of getting sniped, we should check if the blues have any... beer around here...?

Simmons:
What the fuck is that suppose to mean?

Grif:
I don't know. It sounded a lot funnier in my head before I said it...

Simmons:
Man, I just had the weirdest sense of deja vu.

Caboose:
I'm coming to help! Don't start without me!

Tucker:
Caboose, get the fuck out of here!!!

Caboose:
OK bye, I don't want to help anymore.

Sarge:
Whoa, looks like the white guy just got stabbed.

Grif:
Hey, speaking of getting stabbed... why does my head really hurt, all of a sudden? For some reason, I want a beer...

Tucker:
Caboose, that's why I always liked you, everything falls into two categories: either you don't understand it or you just don't care.

Caboose:
Yeeah, I don't really know what you mean by that... but I guess it doesn't matter.

Tucker:
Exactly.

Caboose:
Why didn't you ask Tex or Church?... Is it because I'm the best?

Tucker:
No, it's because Church is an asshole and Tex doesn't trust me right now.

Caboose:
Really? Why not?

Tucker:
Ehh, because I got to use the sniper rifle and I ended up unloading a round into her ass.

Caboose:
Hey Chicka Bum Bum!

Tucker:
Caboose! What did I tell you about that?

Caboose:
Sorry. Sorry.

Caboose:
I am Caboose, the vehicle destroyer!

Tex:
And I have your word that none of them will be hurt? (O'Malley laughs menacingly)

Church:
Tex get away from him!

(Church kills O'Malley with Tucker's sword, forcing him outside of Caboose's head)

Church:
Booyeah!

Tex:
NO! Dammit, Church!

(Tex fires at Church who retaliates and kills her too)

Church:
Awesome! I'm like a fuckin' Jedi! Aw fuck you're both dead.

Yellow Church:
Well fuck.

Simmons:
Hey, Caboose!

Grif:
Caboooooooooose!

Simmons:
Come out so I can shoot you, ya fuckstick!

Grif:
Where did Caboose go?

Sarge:
I don't see 'im.

Simmons:
Come out, Caboose, all we wanna do is shoot you!

Caboose:
(hiding behind a tree) Don't listen to them, it's a trick!

Sarge:
What are the Blues doing on the radio?

Simmons:
Who knows? Hey Blues shut the fuck up! Get off our radios and quit ruining our batteries down!

(O'Malley infects Simmons)

Simmons:
Do it now or I will kill every last one of you! And everyone here as well, just to make a point! HAHAHAHA!

Grif:
Whoa Simmons, don't you think that was a little over the top?

Simmons:
Suck it, you fool!

Sarge:
What's wrong with your voice?

Simmons:
Nothing! Why does something have to be wrong with MY voice? Maybe something's wrong with YOUR voice! Ever think about that, COCKSUCKER?

Grif:
Um, you do know that's Sarge you're talking to, right?

Simmons:
(in normal voice) I mean, cocksucker, SIR! (giggles madly)

Sarge:
Donut, initiate Emergency Plan Traitor Simmons Number 11!

Donut:
On it, sir! (shoots Grif)

Grif:
Owhowowow!!

Sarge:
Donut! I said Plan 11!

Donut:
Where am I going to get a steamroller?

(Tex bashes Simmons who is infected by O'Malley)

Simmons:
Ow, the back of my lower legs!

(Tex hits him again)

Simmons:
Ow, the side of my head!

(Tex hits him thrice)

Simmons:
The back of my face!

(Tex continues to beat up Simmons)

Simmons:
The front of my front!

Tucker:
Hey Church, I think Tex is over here!

Church:
(sarcasticly) Thanks for the update!

Church:
I told you to disable the ship, not destroy it!

Sarge:
Oh yeah, well, score one for the Red team I guess.

Tucker:
What about my kid?!

Sarge:
Oh, right, score two.

(Church has entered Caboose's mind, where everyone is shown as how Caboose sees them)

Simmons:
Freeze, blue!

Church:
Simmons?

Simmons:
Hey everyone, I caught an intruder! I'm the greatest! I mean I'm the greatest one that isn't Caboose!

Grif:
(Raspy version of his voice) Great job, Simons!

Simmons:
Thanks orangest guy...Who's name I really don't remember!

Sarge:
(Pirate accent) Argh, lets be makin' him walk the plank.

Donut:
(As a full fledged woman) Let's all go shopping to celebrate!

Church:
Oh right...

Sarge:
Jolly good day, Mr. Caboose. We be having a prisoner for you, we do.

Church:
I thought you had a pirate accent?

Sarge:
Argh, I'm not very consistent. Yarg!

Caboose:
Hello Church, you must be very happy to see me.

Church:
Yeah, of course. I'm so happy I wanna fuckin puke.

Yellow Church:
Hey what's up,

Church:
Hey who the fuck are you? Sister?

Yello Church:
Yes I'm Sister, Church's twin brother. I crashed here on a spaceship from the moon. And now I live with Caboose and the people from the tail end of the spaceship live on the other side of the island.

Church:
What the fuck? That's wrong in like eight different ways.

Yellow Church:
Yeah, I know...Tell me about it.

Church:
Caboose, seriously, do you pay attention to anything that happens?

Caboose:
New Church is my new best friend now.

Yellow Church:
I'd argue with that too, but...What's the point.

Sarge:
Simmons, where can we get some explosives?

Simmons:
Well, as you recall, we recently came across Andy the bomb and Lopez in the caves. So-

Sarge:
Of course! Men, let's go ask Lopez where we can get some explosives!

Simmons:
*sigh* Excellent plan, sir...

Church:
Caboose, what happened?

Caboose:
Tex appeared out of nowhere and beat up Tucker, which was awesome, and took his sword. Also someone might've have been surprised by that and peed his pants just a little bit...Or a lot.

Church:
I was only behind them by like thirty seconds! What the fuck! Where is she?

Caboose:
She took the sword and a Wyoming helmet to the ship. I think she went to the ship to save Tucker's kid. He's on the ship too now.

Church:
FUCK! What about O'Malley? Where is he?

Donut:
HAHAHAHAHA, that's the problem with living in a patriarichal society, men always assume they know everything! HAHAHA!

Andy:
Whoa, Lopez! Looks like your girlfriend (Sheila, who's uploaded into the ship) has put on a little weight!

Donut:
Andy, that's rude!

Andy:
What? You were all thinking it! I mean, I'm just saying someone should really switch to unleaded!

Simmons:
Donut. Relax. You've been infected by a computer virus and we just need to figure out what to do about it.

Donut:
(Possessed by O'Malley) HAHAHAHA! NO, it's my body! It's my choice! And another thing, why do I do as much work as you guys but only get 92 percent of-

(Donut is knocked out by Tex)

Sarge:
Hey don't hit my soldiers without my permission...(O'Malley infects Sarge) I'm the one who gets to hit my soldiers. MWAHAHAHA! YEAH, eat lead world, drop and give me infinity!

Grif:
Sarge I think you've finally gone crazy.

(Tex knocks out Sarge, forcing O'Malley to infect Grif)

Grif:
Whoa that's weird. I have a sudden urge to conquer the universe. Which is unlike me, considering I'd have to do actual work. I think I'll just fall asleep instead.

Doc:
We're here, is anyone hurt...

(Grif falls asleep, forcing O'Malley to infect Doc)

Doc:
...Or need to be killed? HAHAHA!

Church:
I know that laugh. Nobody move!

(O'Malley infects Church)

Church:
You know I...I really don't feel all that different. Meh, meh heh, heh, meh, meh, no. Feels pretty much the same. That's kinda weird huh? Expected more...

(Tex knocks out Church)

Church:
Where'd he go, where'd he go? Is he gone...Tex?

Tex:
Church run!

Church:
Tex DON'T!

(O'Malley infects Tex)

Tex:
You have no idea how much trouble you are in

Caboose:
Church...

Church:
Yeah?

Caboose:
You ever wonder why we're here?

Church:
You know, Caboose, I used to not care. I just went along with orders and hoped that everything would work out for me. But after all that's happened, you know what I've learned? It's not about hating the guy on the other side because someone told you to. I mean, you should hate someone because they're an asshole or a pervert or a snob, or they're lazy or arrogant or an idiot or a know-it-all. Those are reasons to dislike somebody. You don't hate a person because someone told you to; you have to despise people on a personal level, not because they're red or because they're blue, but because you know them and you see them every single day, and you can't stand them because they're a complete and total fucking douchebag.

Caboose:
...I meant, why are we out here in the sun when we could be standing down there in the shade?

Church:
Oh. Yeah, okay. Let's go stand in the shade.

Grif:
Hey, Simmons...

Simmons:
Yeah?

Grif:
Just one thing. Shotgun!

Simmons:
Fuck!

Grif:
(Church and Tucker had just killed Sarge) Okay, hey. We killed one of your guys, and you killed one of ours. That makes us even.

Simmons:
Actually, we killed Tex and Junior, and they killed Sarge. So technically, that means we killed two people and they only killed one. (Church kills him with the sniper rifle) Son of a bitch!

Grif:
Okay! Now we're even! Seriously! (Blues point guns at Grif and Donut; Grif lobs a grenade, everyone scatters, Donut gets in the ghost) Every man for himself!

Church:
Caboose! Get in that tank and give us cover fire.

Caboose:
Okay!

Church:
And don't shoot me this time!

Caboose:
Okay (immediately shoots Church)

Church:
Son of a bitch!

Caboose:
Wait, what was that first part again?(Grif begins to destroy Caboose's tank) Abandon ship! Running, running, running! (tank blows up)

Tucker:
Don't worry Sister, I'll protect you.

Sarge:
Aha! Got you, blues!

Tucker:
Sarge, I thought you were dead!

Sarge:
I was dead, Doc revived me!

Doc:
That's right! And if anyone else needs medical attention, I would be more than happy to hel- (Sarge kills him) Son of a bitch!

Sarge:
Oh, I'm sorry! Doc will be unable to assist anyone else. (Sister kills him) Ah, son of a bitch again. Medic!

Tucker:
Well Sister, this looks like it. I don't think we're gonna make it, the reds are on the attack, and now Doc is dead and can't help us.

Doc:
(dying) Actually, I'm not dead! if you could just hand me my first-aid kit- (Tucker shoots him) Oh, son of a bitch!

Tucker:
And now that Doc is actually dead, I don't think we're gonna make it. I don't wanna die a virgin!

Sister:
Ooh! Yeah!

Tucker:
Wouldn't you rather spend your last few moments as a lover and not as a fighter?

Sister:
I never thought about that, Uh-huh.

Tucker:
I've always wanted to go out-

Sister:
Hey, uh, no offense, are you gonna keep talking or are we gonna see some action!

Tucker:
Bow Chicka Bow- (Grif shoots him) Ow!

Grif:
Stay away from my sister!

Tucker:
Son of a bitch!

Sister:
Grif, I liked him! He was nice to me! (kills Grif)

Grif:
Son of a bitch!

Sister:
(Donut runs her over with his ghost) Son of a bitch! I can't believe you'd hit a girl!

Donut:
Whatever, bitch! Reow! (Caboose is running away, picks up a rocket launcher) Now it's time to pound some Caboose! Woo-hoo! (drives toward him; Caboose blows him up with the rocket launcher) Son of a bitch!

Caboose:
I won! I am the greatest! I beat everyone! And now, no one is left but me! (ghost lands on him, kills him) Son of a bitch.

Vic Jr.:
(Sarge shoots at the computer) Ow, dude. That was my heatsink. Now where the fuck am I gonna sinkmy heat?

Grif:
Be careful Sarge, that stalagmite almost hit me!

Donut:
Actually Grif, that was a stalactite. You see stalagmite's grow up from the ground.

Grif:
I don't care, Donut. The point is that I almost got crushed by huge fucking-(A stalagsomething crushes and kills Grif)...Ow,

Sarge:
Yeah! I am the winner of... what the hell am I lookin' at?