Assy McGee

Bus Robber #2:
I need a doctor! I'm hurt real bad!

Assy McGee:
[Assy shoots him in the knee] Mmmm. Now you need two doctors.

Assy Mcgee:
The last time somebody told me to stay away..... I didn't.

Assy Mcgee:
Well, what have we got, Chief?

Cheif:
What do we got? We had 1 dead girl. Now we got 5 cops dead, and a freakin' forensics expert.

Sanchez:
I mean, female hookers, they get killed all the time. It's practically part of what they do.

Mayor:
So, you been to that Korean hand job place yet?

Chief:
No.

Mayor:
You haven't?

Chief:
Yeah, I got to get over there.

Mayor:
Oh, my god, Greg, run, don't walk.

Chief:
Yeah.

Mayor:
Me and the wife love it. Mm, mm, mm. You gotta keep it fresh.

Mayor:
Some people read the bible, and some people put a donkey mask on.

Chief:
Yes, they do.

Mayor:
So listen, Greg, I can't have this hooker murder mucking up this year's festival. I mean, we've got the parade, right?

Chief:
Mayor, I don't want that either.

Mayor:
Yeah. You got to nip this in the bud, Greg.

Chief:
Right, sure.

Mayor:
I mean, who goes out and kills a hooker on the eve of America's treasured celebration?

Chief:
Well, we're trying to figure that out.

Mayor:
Sometimes I feel like flushing this whole rotten city down the toilet. Hmm? That'd be one big toilet. We need to wrap up this case tonight, Greg.

Chief:
We don't have a suspect, sir.

Mayor:
Well, arrest someone, right?

Chief:
Right.

Mayor:
There you go. Now you go run and get me an arrest, huh?

Chief:
Arrest someone. Right.

Mayor:
All right.

Chief:
Thanks. F*ck you, Mayor. Damn it, Assy.

[Assy calls Sanchez on phone]

Sanchez:
Hello?

Assy McGee:
Sanchez?

Sanchez:
Yeah?

Assy McGee:
Meet me at the Hall of Record in 20 minutes.

Sanchez:
It's 4 in the morning.

Assy McGee:
I got a hunch about this dead hooker.

Sanchez's Wife:
Who is it?

Sanchez:
No one, honey. Go back to bed.

Sanchez:
I'll meet you there in 5 minutes.

Assy McGee:
5...I said 20.

Sanchez:
Ok, 20 minutes, fine.

Assy McGee:
Yeah, that means you're gonna be waiting there for 15 minutes.

Sanchez:
Right, 4:20, I'll see you there.

Assy McGee:
All right.

[Assy calls Sanchez again]

Sanchez:
Hello?

Assy McGee:
I'm running late. Make it 25. You haven't left yet?

Sanchez:
I'm just leaving now.

Assy McGee:
All right.

[Assy calls Sanchez again the 3rd time]

Sanchez:
Assy, what it is now?

Assy McGee:
Hey.

Sanchez:
Yeah?

Assy McGee:
Should we just blow this off?

Sanchez:
Assy, if it was important enough for you to call me at 4 in the morning--

Assy McGee:
I know, I know. But you know what, I've been up all night.

Sanchez:
I'll meet you over there.

Assy McGee:
You're a good cop, Sanchez [farts]

Sanchez:
Thanks, Assy.

Assy McGee:
We need to get into the database, Charlie.

Charlie:
I'm sorry, Assy, I can't do that. You know you're officially suspended.

Assy McGee:
Well, maybe this will help.

[Assy pulls out 2 dog show tickets]

Charlie:
I'm sorry, Assy, I don't think so.

Assy McGee:
Don't like the dog show, huh?

Charlie:
Thank you, no.

Assy McGee:
How about this? [shoots Charlie in the leg]

Charlie:
Ow, my leg! Oh, ho, ho!

Sanchez:
Assy.

[Assy calls a different John Adams on phone]

John Adams:
Hello?

Assy McGee:
Is John Adams there?

John Adams:
Yeah, speaking.

Assy McGee:
How does it feel to kill a hooker, John?

John Adams:
What?

Assy McGee:
I said, how does it feel to kill a hooker?

John Adams:
It's 4 in the morning. Who is this?

Assy McGee:
Did you kill a hooker?

John Adams:
No.

Assy McGee:
Oh.

[Massage Lady shows a picture of John Adams in the 1700s]

Assy McGee:
Hmm, that's John Adams. We gotta get to the parade.

Sanchez:
Assy, I don't think that this is the guy.

Assy McGee:
Sanchez, don't think, just run.

Assy McGee:
Well, well, well. If it isn't everyone's favorite whore killer, John Adams.

Fake John Adams:
Uh..I..

Assy McGee:
I've got 1 bullet, and it's got your e-mail address on it.

Fake John Adams:
I..I..

Assy McGee:
Don't make me hit send.

[Assy shoots fake John Adams]

Assy McGee:
Looks like your inbox just got some new mail.

Fake John Adams:
I'm just an actor.

Assy McGee:
Can you play dead?

Chief:
How did you know that guy was wanted in 28 states?

Assy McGee:
I had a hunch, Chief.

Chief:
Well, your hunches are gonna get me fired, McGee.

Assy McGee:
My hunches make you look good, heh heh.

Assy McGee:
There was no offsides. He's a crooked ref.

Chief:
What the hell is going on, Assy? You don't look right.

Assy McGee:
It pains me to think about my childhood.

Chief:
What the hell are you talking about?

Assy McGee:
I'm Cuban, Chief. My family, we came here on rafts.

Chief:
What a bunch of horsesh*t.

Assy McGee:
In cuba, there are only two ways out for a child terrorist or soccer player. Soccer was my only way out.

Chief:
Listen, Assy --

Assy McGee:
Or music.

Chief:
Fine.

Assy McGee:
Chess was also a way out.

Chief:
I get it.

Assy McGee:
We weren't even escaping. Just relaxing at the beach. Got caught in a riptide.

Chief:
Enough! Now, knock off the shenanigans and stop this assassination. Do I make myself clear?!

Assy McGee:
...As a cowbell, sir.

Paco:
[speaking Spanish unintelligible]

Assy McGee:
Shut this guy up, Sanchez.

Sanchez:
Give me a break, Assy. He's our guest.

Assy McGee:
Hey, Paco, how about next time you wear some deodorant?

Hooker:
Come here often?

Assy McGee:
No. Glen, cold one for the slut with the sloppy cans.

Assy McGee:
I'm scared [indistinct]

Father:
I'm sorry. I didn't get that. What?

Assy McGee:
Father, I'm scared to die.

Father:
Did you want to make a confession?

Assy McGee:
That's a good idea.

Father:
Go right ahead. We can do this right here.

Assy McGee:
I stole wi-fi from my neighbor.

Father:
Uh-huh. Ok.

Assy McGee:
I borrowed my partner's car without asking, Father.

Father:
It's no problem there.

Assy McGee:
Then I drove it into a retirement community and killed a lot of old people.

Father:
Oh, my god, Assy.

Assy McGee:
On purpose.

Father:
Cheese and rice. Why would do that, Assy?

Assy McGee:
Because I can't drive well. I never could.

Sanchez:
Oh, look at that! Streaker on the field! That guy's in his birthday suit.

Assy McGee:
Disgusting. [shoots the guy in a birthday suit]

Assy McGee:
Uh-oh. We got company.

Sanchez:
What? It's a blimp.

Assy McGee:
It's an aerial attack.

[after blowing up the blimp in the stadium]

Chief:
Assy, I want your shield and your weapon on my desk first thing tomorrow morning.

Assy McGee:
Why don't you bring your desk here, and I'll put them on it...I'll put them on it here.

Assy McGee:
Adios...blimp.

Father:
Oh, my goodness. What happened to you?

Referee:
Some whack job shot me. That's what happened to me.

Assy McGee:
Well, there was no offsides, Ref.

Referee:
The doctor says I'll never walk right again.

Assy McGee:
Here's $10.

Referee:
You know what? I'm gonna kick your ass.

Assy McGee:
Not with that leg.

Bus Robber #2:
Where you goin', a**hole?

Assy McGee:
I'm goin'...to shoot you.

Assy McGee:
Hey, Chief, you got a bat in the cave.

Chief:
What?

Assy McGee:
You got a bat in the cave.

Sanchez:
What's a bat in the cave?

Assy McGee:
There's a snot in your nose.

Chief:
Get the f*** out of my office, McGee!

[Assy saws Sanchez's picture of his daughter]

Assy McGee:
Is that your old lady?

Sanchez:
That's my daughter.

Assy McGee:
Right. I recognize the moustache.

Assy McGee:
I swear on your ugly kid, Sanchez. This guy's going to jail or the morgue, whichever comes first.

Assy McGee:
Doctor Assy's making a house call.

Assy McGee:
Shut your taco hole.

Assy McGee:
Ok, I'm gonna count to 3. Then we go in, all right?

Assy McGee:
3--Aah!

Assy McGee:
Look, kid, Chief told me to do this by the book. Trouble is...I'm illiterate!

Art Gallery Tour Guide:
I present to you the late, great, Lamont Dakota's history altering self-portrait, "The Flirty Black Man."

[shows the portrait's gone]

Art Gallery Tour Guide:
What the f***! It's gone! Someone has stolen "The Flirty Black Man!"

Children:
[laughing]

Art Gallery Tour Guide:
There is no longer a reason to live.

[the Art Gallery Tour Guide shoots himself]

Children:
[gasps and screams]

Chief:
You're chained to your desk 'til your urine comes back clean.

Assy McGee:
I got a hot batch right here, Chief.

[literally pees his urine in front of the whole meeting]

Assy McGee:
After you, DeRetardo.

Sanchez:
My daughter could paint better than that. She's 4 years old.

Assy McGee:
Don't make me laugh, Sanchez. She couldn't do this.

Sanchez:
Well, she pretty good at art. She's ambidextrous.

Assy McGee:
Does that mean she has both a pod and a hose?

Sanchez:
That is not what I'm saying.

Assy McGee:
Wow. She could make love with herself. I envy that, Sanchez.

Sanchez:
You sure clean up nice, Assy. You look like you're going to a prom.

Assy McGee:
I can barely breathe in this penguin suit.

Sanchez:
I'm just saying that you look like you're tired.

Assy McGee:
I'm just saying you're fat.

Undercover Person:
It's tough to find good shoe leather.

Assy McGee:
Then you should try the striped belt.

Assy McGee:
$1,400, right here.

Sanchez:
$1,400? That's a lot of money!

Assy McGee:
Pride never goes on sale, Sanchez.

Assy McGee:
I got a lead.

Chief:
Lead? What lead?

Assy McGee:
One of my bullets snipped a paint chip off the perp's van. I gotta tumbleweed this over to forensics.

Chief:
When?

Assy McGee:
Soon as I'm done wasting my ears here.

Chief:
Well, what do you expect me to tell the Mayor?

Assy McGee:
Tell him we need more black cops.

DiLorenzo:
What's he doing in there?

Sanchez:
He's recreating the finger from the print.

DiLorenzo:
How come you're not in there with him?

Sanchez:
Assy works alone on molds.

DiLorenzo:
Whatever. Guy's still a douchebag, huh? [laughs]

Sanchez:
The kid's a diamond.

DiLorenzo:
Yeah, how about a diamond with rough edges, huh? [laughs]

Sanchez:
But isn't that the most valuable kind?

DiLorenzo:
I don't know.

Chief:
[on phone] Yeah. Then drop your load in a dumper. Well, you can't get her pregnant if you--

Sanchez:
Here it is, Chief! You gotta see what he's done.

Chief:
Who?

Assy McGee:
Me.

Sanchez:
It's totally incredible! He took that fingerprint and reconstructed a full scale model of the portrait theif.

Chief:
McGee, the case was closed 3 days ago. Don't you check your e-mail?

Assy McGee:
E-mail's for nerds.

Chief:
McGee! That's Lamont Dakota, The flirty black man!

Assy McGee:
It was an inside job.

Chief:
Damn it, Assy, No. It was a self-portrait. That's why his fingerprints were on it.

Chief:
That paint chip that you thought was from the van-- IT WAS FROM THE F***ING PAINTING, YOU IDIOT!

Assy McGee:
Um, wait. [pause] ...The van killed the painting.

Chief:
Have another drink, McGee.

Assy McGee:
I intend to.

Assy McGee:
Sanchez, did I smoke cologne?

Sanchez:
Yes, you did, Assy.

Assy McGee:
Ooh! That was good.

Sanchez:
Assy, just don't do anything crazy.

Assy McGee:
Crazy's is my maiden name.

Assy McGee:
I'm looking for the Archbishop. Tell me where he is, and all the babies get christened, I promise.

Assy McGee:
Forgive me, Father, for you have sinned.

Assy McGee:
The God I believe in doesn't sell cologne that doubles as a drug.

Archbishop:
What are you going to do McGee, shoot an Archbishop? I don't think so.

Assy McGee:
No, but this baby will.

Chief:
I got to ask you, Assy, why the baby?

Assy McGee:
I thought it would be funny to see a baby shoot an Archbishop.

Assy McGee:
How is he?

Doctor:
Who?

Assy McGee:
Sanchez.

Doctor:
Oh, he's terrible.

Assy McGee:
Dying?

Doctor:
Totally. [laughs]

Assy McGee:
How long has he got?

Doctor:
4 or 5 minutes. Finally got him to shut up.

Assy McGee:
Wh--What do you mean?

Doctor:
Oh, he's going on and on about Mexicans. I was this close to putting a pillow over his face and killing him myself.

Doctor:
Mexicans falling from the sky, Mexicans this, Mexicans that. The guy is totally wasted. I wonder where I put my shoe.

Assy McGee:
[to Sanchez] Heart attack at a kid's birthday party. You p*ssy.

Sanchez:
[dazed out] Mexicans. Falling from the from the sky. They're entering the country illegally in cheesy mexican knickknacks.

Assy McGee:
Sanchez! I got to ask you something. Why would you have a party in your driveway when you have a gorgeous backyard?

DiLorenzo:
Good news. We got an officer in pursuit of Coyote. Bad news, it's McGee.

Assy McGee:
I'd handcuff you, Amigo, but you're mostly liquid.

Assy McGee:
A lot of people say there's one thing wrong with this country, and it's Mexicans and computers.

Assy McGee:
Computers can't sneak into your country, and I know one Mexican you can trust, and he's here tonight. He's a big, fat, p*ssy, and his name's Don Sanchez.

Assy McGee:
If you listen to the words, I think you'll hear the cry of a Mexican. A-one, a-two, a-one, two, hmm... mmf...uhh. [passes out]

Sanchez:
Five boxers dead in a week. That last one hisself to death, same as the others.

Assy McGee:
It's a black eye for the sweet science, Sanchez.

Sanchez:
It's like someone put poison in their brains.

Assy McGee:
There's gonna be nobody left to win the belt this year.

Sanchez:
I don't get it. This one's over my head, I guess.

Assy McGee:
You talk more than you think, Sanchez.

Sanchez:
Alright, Detective Columbus. You think someone's killing off these boxers?

Assy McGee:
Did you just call me "Detective Columbus"?

Sanchez:
Yeah, like the t--

Assy McGee:
Did you mean "Columbo"?

Sanchez:
I just mean if you can figure the case out, then go ahead. Figure it out.

Assy McGee:
You wouldn't last three rounds with my brain, Sanchez. [farts]

Assy McGee:
Let's go sniff some jocks.

[Assy hit the ringing bell to get the people's attention]

Sanchez:
Assy, you're driving me crazy with that. Why you doing that?

Assy McGee:
Because it's interesting, Sanchez. And there's nothing interesting in the world anymore. [farts]

[Assy grabs a beer from the trash bin]

Assy McGee:
This is interesting.

Sanchez:
Assy, that's evidence.

Assy McGee:
SUBPOENA MY BLOODSTREAM!

Assy McGee:
Let's hit the fish--

[cuts to the next scene]

Assy McGee:
Let's hit the Fish Market, Sanchez.

[Assy shoot the Doctor's boombox when the Doctor was dancing]

Doctor:
Holy crap! Detective McGee. And you must be his stereotypical sidekick. [to Sanchez] You know, you're gonna get shot two days from retirement.

Sanchez:
So, listen, Doc, this is a strange case. All these boxers are getting killed. We don't know what the hell is going on. Anything you can tell us about the cause of death?

Doctor:
Wait a minute. It's over here somewhere. Let's see. "P"..."P"...oh, here it is. And it's a fun one! Polonium Poisoning. That's fun to say. Say it with me.

Sanchez and Doctor:
Polonium Poisioning.

Assy McGee:
[farts]

Sanchez:
That is.

Doctor:
Stand by, as I've prepared an elaborate presentation.

[Doctor shows Assy and Sanchez an elaborate presentation about Polonium]

Doctor:
Polonium is a radioactive isotope that occurs naturally in Siberia, where they make vodka, which you drink to get the courage you need. Call your gangster friend who sells Polonium on the black market to terrorists, office clerks, and sandwich makers.

[the presentation ends]

Doctor:
Did I solve it? Did I solve it?

Sanchez:
Sandwich makers? What the hell are you talking about? What's that got to do with anything?

Doctor:
I totally solved it. Tell the Chief I hit a home run.

[Assy, Sanchez, and Doctor checks the morgue]

Sanchez:
Well, where's the guy?

Doctor:
Damn it! They got another one.

Assy McGee:
[farts]

Doctor:
Somebody's ganking my stiffs.

Assy McGee:
[farts]

Sanchez:
Wait. Are you trying to tell me that there's a radioactive corpse loose in the streets of Exeter?

Doctor:
I done been ganked.

Assy McGee:
[farts]

Doctor:
I done had been ganked. Motherf***er do you hear me? Some f***ing sucker done ganked my stiffs.

Sanchez:
Assy, somebody's poisoning these boxers, and there's a big title fight tonight. We got to get over to the gym right now, before anymore boxers die. We got to move!

Assy McGee:
Strap 'em on, Sanchez. The fight's going 12.

Assy McGee:
Hey, y'all, I'm Assy McGee. Roll yourself down to Assy McGee's cars, hot tubs, and driveway repair, where we've got all the new SCION XB'S IN STOCK! My no [farts] pure price purchase program means no haggle, no hassle, no bull [farts]!

Assy McGee:
I need to get into the fight tonight, Charlie.

Charlie:
Sorry, Assy, sold out.

Assy McGee:
Forget it, Sanchez. This place is colder than a Siberian ball sack. Let's go back to my house and play Cranium.

[Assy founds a food flyer ad on their car]

Sanchez:
What is that, Assy?

Assy McGee:
Fee, fi, fo, fum. Something smells like it.

[Assy calls Suspicious Deli]

Worker:
Yeah? Suspicious Deli. How can I help you?

Assy McGee:
I'm an up-and-coming pugilist. Do you deliver?

[Assy and Sanchez waits out in the hotel for the worker to respond]

Sanchez:
The guy said 30 minutes or less. How long's it been?

Assy McGee:
29 minutes.

[knocking on door]

Assy McGee:
Who is it?

Worker:
Delivery.

Assy McGee:
Entrez.

[the worker comes in]

Assy McGee:
Thanks for coming. I forgot to tell you -- Hold the polonium.

[the worker then pulls out a rifle]

Assy McGee:
This is all so insincere.

Assy McGee:
You look tired. Why don't you take a knee? [shoots the Delivery Guy's knee] Thanks for the sandwich. Keep the change...

[shoots the Delivery Guy]

Assy McGee:
In hell.

Chief:
[on phone] Yeah. No. Well, I know they're toys, but the Mayor says we can't be too careful. Just arrest everyone and shut down the river in case of a submarine attack.

Chief:
What the hell happened out there?

Sanchez:
It's pretty amazing, Chief. Assy figured it all out by hisself.

Chief:
Talk to me.

Assy McGee:
Psychotic Deli owner loses his mind and starts poisoning the customers with radioactive polonium.

Chief:
Yeah.

Assy McGee:
[mumbling]

Chief:
Ah.

Assy McGee:
Since the half-life of polonium never wears out... [mumbling]

Chief:
Shut up for a second. What the hell does this have to do with boxing?

Sanchez:
Nothing, Chief. It's just a coincidence. The dead boxers all just happened to enjoy food from the psycho sandwich maker who runs the deli near the gym. You believe that?

Chief:
It all sounds a little far-fetched. Who gives a [bleep] as long as it's over?

Sanchez:
You know, there's still some, uh, radioactive corpses running around or whatever.

Chief:
Who knows about these corpses?

Sanchez:
Just me and this guy.

Assy McGee:
[farts]

Chief:
Good. Well, as far as I'm concerned, this case is closed. What now?

Assy McGee:
Now...let's dance.

[Assy dances]

Sanchez:
Oh, man, look at this guy, huh? He's kicking it old school. [laughs] Look at you! I didn't know you could do that.

Chief:
Take that [bleep] outside.

Sanchez:
Go, Assy! Go, Assy! Has this guy got the moves or what? This is fun. This is the most fun I've had in so long.

Chief:
GET THE [bleep] OUT OF MY OFFICE, McGEE!

Assy McGee:
That's my birthday girl.

Sexy Woman:
Oh, wow. You remembered.

Assy McGee:
Yeah. 47's a special year.

Assy McGee:
[humming and urinating] Who the hell sings that?

Sanchez:
Ay, iDios Mio! How about a towel, bro?

Assy McGee:
Relax. You're tighter than ball of Mexican string lately.

Sanchez:
Oh, it's just all this stuff at home -- Domestico stuff.

Assy McGee:
Problems shoving off?

Sanchez:
What? Me? Come on. No, be serious.

Assy McGee:
You should try visual imagery. Think of something hard, like a rock.

Sanchez:
Yeah, I don't have no problems in that department. That's not a problem.

Assy McGee:
Son of a b*tch! Chief wants to see us.

Sanchez:
But it's Sunday.

Assy McGee:
Someone forgot to tell crime.

Chief:
[on phone] Yeah. No. Rub some vodka on the head. You'll last for an hour.

Assy McGee:
You seem like a good dad, Chief.

Chief:
Where the hell have you bozos been?

Assy McGee:
Church ran along.

Chief:
Yeah, well, the front page scream every rag in town, "Pervert flasher strikes again. Won attacked in subway." We might have that pirate who was assaulting women out there.

Assy McGee:
Impossible. I bought that sick bastard a one-way to stony lonesome 10 years ago.

Chief:
Yeah. That's why I want you to see if he's got prints on this. Looks like some kinds of copycat situation going on. Mayor needs this fire pissed on pronto.

Assy McGee:
Sanchez here can't get an erection.

Sanchez:
That's not true, Chief.

Assy McGee:
Yes, it is. You told me.

Sanchez:
No, I didn't. I never said that.

Assy McGee:
Well, you implied it.

Sanchez:
I never implied anything about that -- No.

Assy McGee:
Saddle up your skin planets, Sanchez. We're going upriver.

Sanchez:
What's a skin planet?

[the police officer touches Assy to see if he has some secret weapons on him]

Assy McGee:
You like that, don't you, you nickel tickler.

Assy McGee:
[to Sanchez] Remember, this guy's a certified criminal genius. Don't let him inside your coconut.

Assy McGee:
Pegfinger.

Pegfinger:
Argh, Assy McGee. Wow. You look like $100, Chief. You been working out?

Assy McGee:
12-ounce curls, Ed. How's tricks? Three hots and a cot's doing you alright?

Pegfinger:
Oh, it's not so much fun flashing meself.

Sanchez:
Hey, is the "G" capitalized in "McGee"?

Pegfinger:
Whoa. Who ordered the obese gardener?

Sanchez:
Nice try, Mr. Finger. You're not getting inside my coconut.

Pegfinger:
Oh -- Wedding ring. How many oranges did you have to pick to pay for that? [laughs]

Sanchez:
YOU SON OF A B*TCH!

[Sanchez shoots Pegfinger]

Assy McGee:
Whoa.

Sanchez:
Oh, I freaked up, Assy. I freaked up this time.

Assy McGee:
Cool off, Sanchez.

Sanchez:
I'm gonna lose my job. I'm gonna go to jail.

Assy McGee:
You're in jail, a**hole.

Sanchez:
What am I gonna do?

Assy McGee:
Relax. He attacked you.

Sanchez:
What?

[Assy throws a wooden stool on Sanchez]

Sanchez:
Ow!

Assy McGee:
Then he stole your gun. [shoots Sanchez one of the legs]

Sanchez:
OW! DAMN IT, ASSY!

[Assy smashes Sanchez into the glass wall]

Assy McGee:
[punches and kicks him many different ways] Then he kicked you in the yam bag, like this, and like this! And then he did this.

Assy McGee:
You're a hero, Sanchez. Let me buy you a drink.

Sanchez:
You know, what you did for me back there, you know -- I'm not gonna forget that.

Assy McGee:
What are you talking about, Sanchez?

Sanchez:
I shot that guy, and then you put a gun at me--

Assy McGee:
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Cool it.

Sanchez:
[whisper] And then you put a gun in his hand. That's totally illegal.

Assy McGee:
Winners write history, Sanchez. Illegal? Nothing but a sick bird.

DiLorenzo:
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! What time is it? Hey, Glen, put it on Channel 2. The Mayor's ceremony is on. Come on, man. It's our freakin' mayor. Let's go. Hurry up! Don't you have any respect? Hey, everyone, Glen don't have any respect for our freakin' mayor.

Denie:
[sobbing] ...Yet the ice cream truck never stopped.

Mayor:
Wonderful, Denie. Thank you so much for sharing your feelings with everybody here today. Thanks to my efforts, no child will ever be viciously squishes by a car here again,

Mayor:
Because from now on, all vehicles will have to slow down for, and I give you now...Bobby's Bump -- A speed bump dedicated to the memory of that dead child. And there, of course, memorialized forever, is Bobby himself.

Mayor:
How did that truck not see him?

[a limped woman suddenly cries for help while interrupting the ceremony]

Mayor:
How dare that son of a b*tch serial pervert strike right in the middle of my fantastic piazza? [to the Security Guard] Get our esteemed police chief on the phone right away. Damn you, serial perveeerrrrrt!

Assy McGee:
Saw you give goldilocks some hairy eyeball back there.

Sanchez:
Me? No, come on. I'm a happily married guy.

Assy McGee:
Doesn't mean you can't sniff the produce. [sniffs, then farts]

Sanchez:
Assy, can I tell you something? I think Brenda's having an affair.

Assy McGee:
Yeah, right. No man would go near that.

Sanchez:
Well, she's alone with other men every night in this community-theater thing that she's involved in. [shows Assy a theater flyer]

Assy McGee:
"Pirates of Penzance". One of my favorites.

Female Officer on Walkie Talkie:
All units, APB 10-19 on flashing suspect -- White male, early 30s, appears to be left-handed, and was last seen wearing a pirate costume.

Assy McGee:
Hmm. "Pirates of Penzance"...pirate costume...Brenda's play!

Sanchez:
What?

Assy McGee:
Brenda's play. BRENDA'S PLAY!

Sanchez:
You think Brenda's tied up in this? That don't make no sense.

Assy McGee:
Take me to Broadway, Sanchez. We got a date with the law.

[Assy and Sanchez sitting down while setting up picnic for Brenda's Play]

Sanchez:
This is nice, Assy. This is really nice. But I can't enjoy myself -- Not when I know some turkey's got his hands all over Brenda.

Assy McGee:
We'll just sit here till the end act. Then we'll make our move and get this sicko.

Assy McGee:
I've seen "Cats" nine times.

Sanchez:
What? Why -- Didn't you get it, or...

Assy McGee:
You have no sense of humor, Sanchez.

Sanchez:
Yeah, no. I know. We got a cat. That is too many cats, Assy. That's too many cats.

Assy McGee:
I don't have nine cats. I saw "Cats" nine times.

Sanchez:
Right.

Assy McGee:
It was a joke. Forget it.

Sanchez:
Hey, how we gonna know which one of these guys is the pervert?

[Assy sees Brenda helping a guy with a non-shirt actor]

Assy McGee:
Land ho...ho.

Sanchez:
What? Let me have a look.

[Sanchez uses the binoculars to see the pervert without a shirt on hanging out with Brenda]

Sanchez:
[frustrated] Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, THE CAJONES ON THIS GUY!

Assy McGee:
That's your ugly wife he's fondling.

Sanchez:
I can't believe that he would do that to Brenda!

Assy McGee:
The hell are you gonna do about it?

Sanchez:
I'M GONNA PUNCH HIM IN THE ASS!

Assy McGee:
[pauses] ...You're gonna punch his ass?

Sanchez:
[rethinks a second] I'm gonna shoot his face off.

Assy McGee:
THEN WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR YOU P*SSY?!

Sanchez:
Brenda, Brenda, Brenda. You broke my heart. How could you do this to me?

Non-Shirt Actor:
Oh, don't worry, sweetheart. She ain't my type.

Assy McGee:
She ain't anybody's type. [shoots the non-shirted actor]

Brenda:
You drunken swine! He's gay! What the f*** is wrong with you?

Sanchez:
BRENDA-A-A-A-A-A!

[Sanchez covers his girlfriend by protecting her while getting shot from Assy]

Assy McGee:
Oops.

Chief:
You see the papers?

Assy McGee:
You trying to start something. I'm illiterate. You knew that.

Chief:
Well, all you got to know is I'm getting a raise.

Sanchez:
Wow. You get a raise even though we didn't solve the crime?

Chief:
Sanchez, don't be such a busybody.

Sanchez:
Technically, we never solved this thing.

Chief:
Yeah, well, as far as I'm concerned, this case is over.

Assy McGee:
That's great, but what about me?

Chief:
You? You're still an a**hole.

Chief & Sanchez:
[both laugh]

Sanchez:
It's funny 'cause it's true.

Assy McGee:
So funny I forgot to laugh.

Jasper:
Uh, everyone down. This is a robbery. Sorry, this'll just take a minute. Next person who open their mouth get shot. I'm just here to get my prescription filled, and then I'm leaving, and if -- If nothing happens, nobody gets hurt okay?

Cashier:
Okay?

Jasper:
Now fill this prescription, please.

Cashier:
I'm not the pharmacist. I'm just a cashier.

Customer:
Oh, for god sakes, just go back there and get it.

Jasper:
Buzz me in, man!

Cashier:
It's locked.

Jasper:
BUZZ ME IN!

Cashier:
IT'S LOCKED!

Jasper:
I'm sorry for yelling.

Customer:
[groans] I am not in the mood for this at all.

Jasper:
No, no, no, no. No one's going anywhere, no. [sees the police car outside] Aw, come on. Are you kidding?! Who tripped the silent alarm? Who did that? Who did that? [grabs the cashier while pointing the gun at her] Who? You, fat pig? YOU?! YOU?!

Customer:
I'm going to leave now.

Jasper:
STOP! I'M SERIOUS, MAN! STOP!

[Jasper shoots the customer]

Customer:
Oh, god!

Jasper:
Why -- Why'd you run, man? Why did you run? You made me do that! [crying] Oh, man, I just want to go home.

[Jasper mistakenly shoots the cashier]

Jasper:
Oh, my god. I'm so sorry.

[Assy gets a call from the police interrupting his fishing day]

Assy McGee:
Five years planning this vacation, and now this?! [shoots the fishes at the bottom of the ocean]

Sanchez:
[on phone] Assy, where are you?

Assy McGee:
My lake house.

Sanchez:
What lake, Assy?

Assy McGee:
Make sure the heat's on in the car, full blast...

Sanchez:
Okay, okay.

Assy McGee:
...the setting that blows on your feet.

Sanchez:
This thing turned from a simple stick-and-grab to a hostage situation. Chief wants you running point.

Assy McGee:
Five years planning that vacation.

Sanchez:
Well, maybe if you weren't the best hostage negotiator around, you'd be back there enjoying the lake. Must be peaceful, being there all by yourself.

Assy McGee:
Actually, you know who's got property next to mine?

Sanchez:
Who?

Assy McGee:
Kid Rock.

Sanchez:
The music guy?

Assy McGee:
Yeah.

Sanchez:
I bet he plays his music loud.

Assy McGee:
I thought he was gay, but I watched him and his girlfriend do it. [wheezes]

Sanchez:
You should've worn a parka.

Assy McGee:
And next time you shower, try standing near the water. [laughs]

Sanchez:
You know, sometimes, you're really rude.

Assy McGee:
How much dynamite we got?

Sanchez:
What do you need dynamite for?

Asys McGee:
Blow up the pharmacy.

Sanchez:
There's innocent civilians inside!

Assy McGee:
This place is a coward convention.

Sanchez:
There's protocols we got to follow.

Assy McGee:
Alright, I'll hit from the ladies tees with you.

Sanchez:
I'm gonna set up a communications base.

Assy McGee:
That'll give me enough time to break into his brain and kick the tires.

Sanchez:
Listen up, peoples! We're setting up a command center directly across from the pharmacy at Bob's Barbershop.

Assy McGee:
[using megaphone] Shut up, a**hole. We're setting up at Bill W's. Now!

Sanchez:
Assy, that's two blocks away.

Assy McGee:
[using megaphone to Jasper] Clean your cleats, f***head. It's game time, and we got a two-minute warning on the clock!

[Jasper leaves from the pharmacy]

Assy McGee:
[using megaphone] Okay, son, what do you want us to call you?

Jasper:
Uh, Jasper's my name. My Mom and Dad named us all "J" names.

Assy McGee:
[using megaphone] That's cute. You and I are gonna see eye-to-eye.

Jasper:
Hey, look, we're all hungry in here, okay? So we want some pizzas now, alright? And if we don't get any pizza, then someone's gonna get it!

Assy McGee:
[using megaphone] You got to trade me one hostage for every topping.

Jasper:
No, man. I guess then just cheese, then. We want some soda, too...some, um, Dr. Brown's Celery Soda.

Assy McGee:
[to Sanchez] He didn't bite.

Sanchez:
You almost had him.

Assy McGee:
I know, this guy's a riddle wrapped inside of a brain teaser, Sanchez.

[Chief plays Adult Photo Hunt]

Chief:
Wait! Left tit's got two nipples!

Sanchez:
That's a good eye, Chief. I thought those bosoms looked kind of weird.

Chief:
Where the hell have you been, McGee?

Assy McGee:
Clearin' the brush to send eyes inside.

Chief:
Good work. What do you need?

Assy McGee:
Lipstick camera, bifocals, large pie, and a pizza-delivery uniform, a pint of tear gas, and a mule to carry...

Chief:
What?

Assy McGee:
"Mule to carry it all."

Chief:
Alright. Who do you suggest we send in?

Assy McGee:
Someone brave we can afford to lose.

[DiLorenzo starts to disguise as a pizza delivery man to end the hostage situation]

DiLorenzo:
[anxiety] Ohh, ohh, god, DiLorenzo. Do this. Do this. Do this. Oh, come on, man. You're brave. You're brave. Oh, dear god, please give me the strength to do this.

[DiLorenzo comes inside the pharmacy]

DiLorenzo:
So, uh, yeah, here's your pie, It's, uh, on the house, my man. [sniffs] Uh, mind if I look around a bit? I ain't no cop. [chuckles] It's a good operation you run here, absolutely, absolutely.

[as DiLorenzo still staying in act, Chief notices in the Di's hidden camera that the mayor is also in this pharmacy store as well]

Chief:
Oh, you gotta be [bleep] me. It's the Mayor! The [bleep] is he doing there?

DiLorenzo:
Whoa, whoa! Hey, Mr. Mayor! Hey, look, everybody. It's our freaking mayor. It's our freaking mayor. What are you doing here, Mr. Mayor?

Mayor:
Aw, man!

DiLorenzo:
No, no, no, relax. I'll take care of this. [to Jasper] Hey, pal, you cannot do this to our mayor.

Mayor:
Idiot. I ain't goin' telling everybody I'm the Mayor.

Jasper:
Well, well, well, the Mayor? It's my lucky day.

Mayor:
Great! That's just great! Why don't you just pull the trigger now, shoot me in the head? Shoot the mayor in the head.

DiLorenzo:
Hey, no. I mean, I'm the Mayor. I'm Mayor DiLorenzo. Hey, who wants some Mayor pizza? Huh? It's getting cold. Ha ha ha.

[Jasper points the gun at DiLorenzo]

DiLorenzo:
No, no, no, no.

Woman:
He's got a gun!

DiLorenzo:
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. PLEASE, I GOT TWO FREAKIN' CATS!

Jasper:
Everybody down!

DiLorenzo:
I DON'T WANT TO DIE! [runs away]

Mayor:
The Mayor tell you to get that guy.

Jasper:
No, no, no, no, man! Don't run! I'M GONNA SHOOT YOU!

[Assy, Sanchez, Chief, and the police officer clapped and cheered seeing DiLorenzo getting shot, and most of them made a bet of dollars to seeing if he got shot or not ]

Jasper:
[to Mayor] See? See?

Mayor:
Oh, man, what an idiot.

[while the Mayor is still being hostage from Jasper]

Mayor:
[to Jasper] You know we can make a deal, hmm? I am the Mayor.

Mayor:
Just release me from this headlock.

Assy McGee:
That's it. I'm done figure skating.

Chief:
McGee, where the hell are you going?

Assy McGee:
NOBODY HUMILIATES MY MAYOR! NOBODY! NOBODY! NOBODY! AAH!

[Assy randomly shoots civilized people after walking out from the club]

Assy McGee:
[uses megaphone] Okay, Jasper, let the Mayor go, and I'll get you what you want.

Jasper:
Just get me a helicopter, okay?

Chief:
[on walkie talkie] Talk to me, Assy. What's he want?

Assy McGee:
15 vodka gimlets and a splash of milk -- Top shelf, or the Mayor gets it.

Chief:
What?

Assy McGee:
His words, not mine.

Chief:
Come on, McGee. That's just playground talk, What else?

Assy McGee:
Jasper wants a bird.

Chief:
A helicopter? That's gonna take some time.

Assy McGee:
Then your four-square team's gonna be mopping Mayor brains, unless you get me those DRINKS AND THE BIRD BEFORE THAT RECESS WHISTLE BLOWS!

Chief:
Okay, okay. We're on it.

Chief:
[to Sanchez] What the hell is wrong with your partner?

Sanchez:
Don't worry about Assy, Chief. The kid's a closer, best there's ever been.

Chief:
Well, he seems real interested in making sure this perp's comfortable.

Sanchez:
He might have stockholm syndrome.

Chief:
Swedish herpes?

Sanchez:
No, it's a condition you suffer from where you become too sympathetical with your captors, Chief.

Chief:
...He's not captured, you idiot! Go pick up my dry cleaning and pour the damn drinks already, Glen. AND SOMEONE GET ME A F***ING CHOPPER!

Mayor:
Hey, hey, I'm not the only hero. But, uh, I am writing a book about my experiences. It's called "Hey, I'm Not The Only Hero -- One Mayor's Tale of A Hostage Crisis."

Assy McGee:
Let me ask you something, Jasper. Why'd you do it?

Jasper:
Um, well, I was breast-fed until I was 13, and that really messed me up. Oh, and my Dad's overbearing. And he also breast-fed me.

Assy McGee:
I know what it's like to be a little bit mixed up. Maybe doing the wrong thing and listening to the right thing is no better. Maybe you f***ed up, and then you wish you hadn't, and you stare at that face in the mirror, and it says to you, "What the f*** are you doing now"?

Jasper:
Okay.

Assy McGee:
You got look in that mirror and say, "I'm better than that." You're better than this, Jasper. [farts] I guess that's what I'm saying.

Jasper:
Wow, thanks a lot, man. You -- You've been a really big help.

Assy McGee:
Sometimes all you need is someone to talk to.

Jasper:
Yeah, I guess you're right. I'm sorry.

Assy McGee:
I know. I'm sorry, too, son. [fights Jasper]

Jasper:
Please! I'm sorry, okay? Don't kill me, please! I don't want to die! My girlfriend's pregnant! Please!

Assy McGee:
Congratulations. I know who the father won't be.

[Assy lifts Jasper to the helicopter blades slicing him to death]

Assy McGee:
You just weren't father material anyway.

Chief:
Mayor's office got word from homeland security. They want more air marshal in the sky.

Assy McGee:
Me and Sachez.

Sanchez:
What? Assy, No.

Assy McGee:
We'll do it.

Chief:
Alright, McGee! Way to step up. Anyone else?

[the police officer have no response]

Chief:
Looks like detectives McGee and Sanchez are the only ones brave enough to admit they have nothing left to live for than to sacrifice themselves for the greatness that is this country's freedom.

Sanchez:
Nothing to live for? That may be true about Assy. I got -- I got a family!

Assy McGee:
I just got a kegerator.

Assy McGee:
Now let's hit the airport lounge.

Sanchez:
I'm not going to the airport lounge.

Assy McGee:
You are weak. That's why you're Mexican.

Sanchez:
Don't give me a hard time. I didn't want to do this in the first place.

Assy McGee:
Buy you a croissant.

Assy McGee:
Double shot of your worst piss, and a shirley temple for the Jew.

Sanchez:
Why do I have to go coach, Assy?

Assy McGee:
You're Mexican.

Sanchez:
I've never been on a plane before.

Assy McGee:
You're kidding! How do you travel?

Sanchez:
Bus.

Assy McGee:
How poor are you?

Chief:
[on phone] Yeah, no. Hey, listen. I don't care how old she is. Back door opens up, you pop inside and take your shoes off.

DiLorenzo:
Chief, just got this off the wire. There's a mule on McGee's plane, smuggling balloons.

Chief:
What? Smuggling balloons? The hell are you talking about?

DiLorenzo:
Evidently, an international drug mule is smuggling balloons inside balloons. Genius, really.

Chief:
Is Sanchez on that plane, too?

DiLorenzo:
Yeah he's with him.

Chief:
Where's Sanchez's wife?

DiLorenzo:
[concerned] Chief?

Chief:
Get Sanchez's wife on the phone and put her through to my private line.

DiLorenzo:
That it?

Chief:
Bring the car around for me.

Assy McGee:
[drunk] You know, life is like seasons. You go 'round and 'round like a carousel -- On a horse and then a turtle. And the music is gorgeous.

Sanchez:
Yeah, we got 20 minutes here, Assy.

Assy McGee:
[drunk] And every time you see your Mom's face, there she is. You go 'round and 'round, but you're not dizzy. You're happy. You're happy. This is good, Sanchez.

Assy McGee:
Just keep your eyes peeled for terrorists.

Sanchez:
That's what I'm doing.

Assy McGee:
For instance, look at these guys. [sees random non-terrorist civilians]

Sanchez:
Oh, yeah, those guys look suspicious.

Assy McGee:
I got my eyes on you, potential terrorist mastermind.

Assy McGee:
I want to meet the cockpit.

Flight Attendant Woman:
You'd like to meet it?

Assy McGee:
Yeah.

Flight Attendant Woman:
You mean the pilot?

Assy McGee:
Huh?

Flight Attendant Woman:
We can't allow that, sir.

Assy McGee:
Why not?

Flight Attendant Woman:
Well, the pilot is flying the plane.

[Assy uses on of his foot to shut the flight attendant woman up]

Assy McGee:
Shh. You don't talk so much. Let's give the Cootes Du Rhoone a whirl.

[baby still crying in the distance]

Assy McGee:
SHUT THE [bleep] KID UP!

Assy McGee:
[drunk] Air waitress, come here. [chuckles] Come closer. Assy's not gonna bite. Guess what. I'm not the world's greatest grandpa. I'm an Air Marshal.

Flight Attendant Woman:
Okay.

Assy McGee:
[drunk] So, you ever made love in the lavatory with an air marshal before?

Flight Attendant Woman:
Sir, I think you've had a little too much to drink.

Assy McGee:
[drunk] All I'm asking is if you've made love in the lavatory with an air marshal.

Flight Attendant Woman:
Yes, I have.

Assy McGee:
Have you ever made love in the lavatory with world's greatest grandpa?

Flight Attendant Woman:
Sir, please.

Civilian Man:
Why don't you just leave the lady alone?

Assy McGee:
Who's talking to you. Willy Loman? What, are you traveling on business or pleasure?

Civilian Man:
Businessman.

Assy McGee:
Oh, Mr. Businessman. Ah, thinks he's better than everybody else.

Civilian Man:
Hey, that's not necessary.

Assy McGee:
Necessary? Let me introduce you to necessary. [pulls out gun]

Assy McGee:
Necessary is a 9-millimeter beretta. Necessary, I'd like you to meet some douchebag salesman.

[Assy tackles the cilvilian man]

Assy McGee:
Air Marshals don't take kindly to being interrupted when they're trying to have sex with Stewardesses. Comprende? COMPRENDE?!

[the civilian man still choking while Assy still got his foot down on his neck]

Assy McGee:
I'M SORRY! I CAN'T HEAR WHAT YOU'RE SAYING!

Sanchez:
[on phone] Hey, Brenda, guess where I'm calling from. The airplane!

Chief:
Senorita, your pool is clean. [chuckles] Is that Sanchez on the phone?

Sanchez:
Hey, who is that? Is the Chief? That is the Chief! Put him on.

Chief:
Oh f*** me. Hey, Sanchez, how's it, uh -- Listen, I can explain. I just, uh --

Sanchez:
You don't have to explain. I'm calling from the air phone. I called you.

Assy McGee:
Sanchez, I will personally put you in for a commendation for your bravery up there.

Sanchez:
Yeah, whatever, Assy.

Assy McGee:
You saved a lot of lives up there, Sanchez.

Sanchez:
You shot a man, then you brought down the whole plane! I mean we're supposed to be protecting people up here. Not cool. I mean that's not cool at all.

Assy McGee:
Take this hero away and patch him up. I got to tie up some loose ends.

[Assy shoots the Flight Attendant Woman]

Chief:
You really f***ed up, Assy. The Mayor's in hot water over this air marshal disaster. They're cutting funding for the whole program, and that puts our national security risk!

Assy McGee:
What a shame.

Chief:
I could have your badge for that [bleep] you pulled up there.

Assy McGee:
Must have been the thin air, Chief.

Chief:
I got to hand it to you, though. How the hell did you know that woman was one of the biggest drug mules in the country?

Assy McGee:
Simple, Chief. I noticed when I arrived a woman entering the security check. She broke a heel, causing a distraction. Then at the bar, the same woman handed a bag by the TSA guy.

Assy McGee:
Later on the plane, I noticed a wrist tattoo -- White flower, official symbol of the castillian syndicate -- Run heroin from Afghanistan through Turkey to Spain then to the U.S. also, she was wearing heels again. How many women break heels and then carry an extra pair?

Assy McGee:
Later, when I'm bumping her rhythmically from behind, I ask where she's from?

Chief:
What she say?

Assy McGee:
She replied "Middletown, New Jersey."

Chief:
So?

Assy McGee:
So, there is no Middletown, New Jersey.

Chief:
Yes, there is. I'm from Metuchen. Middletown's right near there.

Assy McGee:
You sure?

Chief:
We used to play Middletown in hockey. YES, I'M F***ING SURE!

Assy McGee:
Anyway, she was smuggling drugs in her rectum. Made her sick.

Chief:
But why'd you kill the Stewardess, McGee?

Assy McGee:
She wouldn't have sex in the lavatory. Now, if you'll excuse me, I got a date with some pilots.

[after Chief got done taking a poop in a public restroom at a carnival]

Chief:
Best ride of the whole day. [laughs]

Sanchez:
Hey, did you read about the, uh, tragedy off in Burlington?

DiLorenzo:
Uh, yeah, I read a newspaper once, uh, something about politics.

Sanchez:
Some kids got themselves killed on one of those rides.

DiLorenzo:
Really?

Sanchez:
Yeah, I think it might be sabotage.

DiLorenzo:
Yeah, well, why parents bring their kids to carnivals in the first place, beyond me.

Sanchez:
I feel like a bad dad for bringing my daughter here, but the doctor says all the bright colors and fun noises are good for her. She's in one of those early-development programs. Hi, Giselle!

DiLorenzo:
Yeah, whatever. I mean, there ain't gonna be none of that crap happening here. These Exeter guys run a freaking first-class operation. We're talking the freaking gold standard here.

Sanchez:
I guess you're right. I used to worry a lot, but since 9/11, I just accept that we can go anytime.

DiLorenzo:
I lost a cousin in 9/11.

Sanchez:
What?! I didn't know that. Ah, man, I'm so sorry.

DiLorenzo:
Yeah, no big. The guy was a bum.

Sanchez:
Oh, what'd he do, tax evasion, wife cheater?

DiLorenzo:
What? No, a bum, like a hobo, you know? He lived in a mailbox on 10th avenue, wore socks on his hands. Killed instantly. Those bastards.

Sanchez:
Nobody remember the lost bums.

DiLorenzo:
To the lost bums. Ah [bleep] I got Slurpee on my new freaking keds.

Assy McGee:
[pulls out gun and badge] I'm a cop. I need more cotton candy.

Sanchez:
What are you doing here?

Assy McGee:
Snack Break.

Sanchez:
I thought you were out on your lake house.

DiLorenzo:
Are you freaking kidding me?! This little jerk's got a lake house?

Assy McGee:
Working security. P*ssy firemen need some muscle after the Burlington incident.

Sanchez:
Oh, that's nice! You're making a few extra samolians, right?

DiLorenzo:
By the way, it's the Burlington Fire Department who are freaking pussies. They couldn't put out a fire in an igloo. [laughs] In an igloo!

[Assy, Sanchez, and DiLorenzo go to the Tilt-A-Whirl]

Sanchez:
Ah, yeah, this is gonna be fun.

DiLorenzo:
Ah, man, wait a second, man. I didn't know these things spun around. You guys know I got vertigo, right?

Assy McGee:
Round and round she goes. Where she stops, nobody knows.

DiLorenzo:
Oh, god, no, seriously, my freaking vertigo is freaking me out -- I'm gonna freaking puke! I swear to god!

[Sanchez sees Giselle stuck on a ferris wheel that's caught on fire]

Sanchez:
GISELLE! HOLY [bleep] LET ME OUT OF HERE!

Assy McGee:
Where are you going?

Sanchez:
MY DAUGHTER!

Assy McGee:
WHAT ABOUT THE RIDE?!

DiLorenzo:
Oh, man, what a horrible freaking accident this is.

Assy McGee:
This accident is no accident.

DiLorenzo:
Hey, this is most definitely not the fault of the Exeter Fire Department.

Assy McGee:
Pull your head out of your ass, "DiRetardo."

DiLorenzo:
[pulls out gun] HEY, YOU STOP CALLING ME THAT!

Assy McGee:
[pulls out gun] WHAT SHOULD I CALL YOU, THEN?!

Sanchez:
PLEASE, DEAR LORD! PLEASE DON'T LET MY BABY DIE!

Assy McGee:
[to DiLorenzo] I'll kill you later. Don't worry about your daughter, Sanchez. You can always adopt a new one.

Bobby Gavin:
Sorry, sir, I can't--

Assy McGee:
Official police business.

Bobby Gavin:
Can't let you ride the ride.

Assy McGee:
Oh, really?

[Assy shoots the rules board then shoots the fireman's leg]

Assy McGee:
LOOKS LIKE I'M TALLER THAN YOU!

DiLorenzo:
Let me handle this one, McGee. [to the Fireman] You a firefighter?

Bobby Gavin:
A volunteer?

DiLorenzo:
Exeter?

Bobby Gavin:
[groans] Yeah.

DiLorenzo:
Heh. No way. Hey, let me ask you something. Is there a fire pole over at that station house? I bet that'd be so awesome if you get a girl for that pole. That'd be freaking sweet!

Assy McGee:
Come on. "DiRetardo." Let's find this psycho carnival saboteur.

DiLorenzo:
Hey, McGee! Hold up! One of these firemen left their freaking lights on!

Assy McGee:
So what?

DiLorenzo:
So we're supposed to serve and protect.

Assy McGee:
Fine, I'll serve.

Assy McGee:
What would a fireman be doing with 20 kilos of high-grade fertilizer.

DiLorenzo:
Uh, maybe he grows tomatoes for the crew. You know, all those guys eat together. [sighs] I wish we did that. So freaking cool.

Assy McGee:
Or maybe, just maybe he's someone who likes things that go "Boom." [holds his flashlight on his face for a dramatic effect]

Assy McGee:
"DiRetardo." I want you to meet a disgruntled company fire chief driven to madness by the stress of the job.

DiLorenzo:
[to the fire chief] What's up?

Assy McGee:
[pulls out his gun] And now it's your turn to go up in smoke.

Bobby Gavin:
Actually, you were right the first time, detective. Now, you see, my first charge that blew off the right side of the of the ferris wheel car, that was to get your attention and the attention of the media.

Bobby Gavin:
Sure, you see it in the news -- "Firefight saves lives." They never show my face. They never show my face. Maybe I wanted a little attention sometimes for all the heroism that I do. I'm Bobby Gavin, firefighter.

Assy McGee:
Put it down, Bobby!

Bobby Gavin:
I'M THE ONE BREATHING THE SMOKE, DETECTIVE! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT'S LIKE?!

Assy McGee:
No.

Bobby Gavin:
HI, HELICOPTERS. WATCH ME NOW, HUH?! YOU WANT TO SEE ME BLEEDING?! I'M BLEEDING, DAMN IT!

Assy McGee:
Don't make me do this! I will drop you!

Bobby Gavin:
YOU GOT MY FACE IN YOUR LENS?! LOOK AT ME NOW! LOOK AT ME NOW! I'M ON THE NEWS, MA! LITTLE BOBBY'S ALL GROWN UP!

Assy McGee:
Let's talk about it! Let's talk it over!

Bobby Gavin:
I'm gonna let this detonator do the talking now. Bye-bye, baby. I'll be on YouTube before dawn. Think of all the hits I'll get.

Chief:
[on phone] Yeah, no. Then just pretend it wasn't a guy and remember how the fingers felt.

Sanchez:
So, check it out, Chief. While Assy was apprehending the suspect, I was moving quickly to hot-wire this truck to hitch it up to this jumpy castle. And then I quickly dragged it over towards this damaged ferris wheel.

Chief:
[tired] That's -- That's fascinating.

Sanchez:
And I was able to position it right underneath the car that was carrying my daughter.

Chief:
I'm not seeing anything.

Sanchez:
What? Oh, hang on. It's buffering.

[after a few seconds of buffering the video plays]

Sanchez:
Then when the car broke loose, Giselle fell. She was able to land on the jumpy castle.

Chief:
I'm glad your boy's okay.

Sanchez:
It was my daughter, actually.

Chief:
Mustache threw me off.

Sanchez:
And she's not okay. She's paralyzed.

Chief:
Oh, well. I'm sure she'll be fine.

Sanchez:
Yeah, she's paralyzed. She's gonna be fine.

Chief:
I'm just glad that sick deputy chief is behind bars. Good work. Detective.

Sanchez:
What can I tell you? Assy and me -- We're pretty good partners, right?

Assy McGee:
Chief, I got you a present.

[Assy gives Chief a fluffy doll of a parody of Spongebob Squarepants]

Chief:
Are you serious? Is this Sponge Paul?

Assy McGee:
[farts]

Chief:
Wow. Outstanding. I love it. In fact, all those characters on that show are wonderful. I can't wait to play with this.

Radio Host:
WBCU.com -- Go to the page. Click on instant feedback. I wonder if dungeon master Jim will be wearing black -- A black armband today because the creator of Dungeons & Dragons has died.

Radio Person:
Gary Gygax died today?

Radio Host #2:
I will tell you who has died. Now, did he really die?

Radio Host:
Gary Gygax. He's moved to the next level.

Radio Person:
Are you serious?

Radio Host:
69, he died, uh, -- He dies this morning at his home in Lake Geneva, probably of some form of diabetes, obesity, uh....

Chief:
I don't have to tell ya. It's all over the newspapers. The Exeter homicide rate's going through the [bleep] roof, so if you see anyone suspicious, KILL THEM BEFORE THEY KILL SOMEONE ELSE!

Assy McGee:
My bike was stolen this morning, Chief.

Other Police Officer:
Here we go again.

Assy McGee:
It's a 1973 Raleigh Sprite.

Chief:
I thought you rode around on a scooter.

Sanchez:
Yeah, and someone stole my son's bike, too.

Assy McGee:
More importantly, my bike was stolen. Mint condition, sturmey-archer components, handmade, you pricks -- Not some assembly-line bull [bleep].

Sanchez:
Yeah, and Rodolpho loved his bike, It was, uh, huffy 3-speed.

Assy McGee:
It was spartan-green, Chief.

Chief:
I got six murders, three rapes on the books, and you two douche-wits are TALKING ABOUT A COUPLE OF STOLEN BIKES?!

Assy McGee:
Someone's got to pay for this...WITH THEIR KNEECAPS!

[as Sanchez post his flyer on the pole to find Rodolpho's stolen bike, Assy blocks his flyer in front of Sanchez on the same pole]

Assy McGee:
Get your own damn pole.

Mr. Higgins:
The C.I.A. keeps its promises, Mr. Quan.

Mr. Quan:
This has been a rather unusual arrangement, Mr. Higgins, no?

Mr. Higgins:
Sometimes those in power in our government can't see the forest through the trees, Mr. Quan.

Mr. Quan:
Huh?

Mr. Higgins:
Um, we're operating a C.I.A. within the C.I.A. Don't tell anyone.

[The rouge government opens up the stolen bikes they've caught]

Mr. Quan:
Is that a 1972 Spartan-Green Raleigh Sprite?

Mr. Higgins:
I guess it is, yeah.

Mr. Quan:
Wow. Those are really rare.

Assy McGee:
Here to see Mike.

Bike Worker:
Nobody sees Messenger Mike without an appointment.

Assy McGee:
Well, I'd like to make an appointment.

Bike Worker:
Alright. Okay, then. For what time, then?

Assy McGee:
[pulls up his gun] How's .357?

Mike:
My, my, my. If it isn't Assy McGee. Who let your kind back in here, hey?

Assy McGee:
My, my, my. Hi, Mike. Long time no me put you in jail.

Mike:
Ha, and a wheelchair.

Assy McGee:
That part was a bonus.

Assy McGee:
How's the bike-fencing business?

Mike:
I happen to be a legitimate businessman, McGee. Now, if you just left me alone, I've got some axles to grease.

Assy McGee:
Sure. One last thing. These ring any bells?

[Assy shows Mike a flyer to see who stoles Assy's bike]

Mike:
Nope, now get the hell out of here.

Assy McGee:
Maybe this will jog your memory. [pulls up his gun on Mike]

Mike:
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing, man? Now, put the gun down, alright?

Assy McGee:
Just give me the answer or I'm going to shoot your appointment book.

[shoots Mike's appointment book]

Assy McGee:
I just shot your appointment book.

Mike:
Whoa. What are you doing, Assy?

Assy McGee:
I'm going to shoot your bike pump.

[shoots Mike's bike pump]

Assy McGee:
I just shot your bike pump.

Mike:
No!

Sanchez:
You should shoot that over there.

Assy McGee:
I'm gonna shoot your water-bottle display, Mike.

Mike:
I haven't seen it, man.

[shoots Mike's water-bottle display]

Assy McGee:
I just shot your water-bottle display, Mike.

Sanchez:
[laughs] This is fun.

Assy McGee:
There's a lot of things I can shoot in here. What's the most valuable thing in here, would you say, Mike?

Sanchez:
Shoot that over there. [points to an antique's bike]

Assy McGee:
My, my, my. What do we have here? A 1971 Eddy Merckx.

Mike:
I-It's actually a '72.

Assy McGee:
Oh, is it?

Mike:
Yeah.

Assy McGee:
[points the gun at the 1972 Eddy Merckx bike] Where are the bikes, Mike?

Mike:
Don't hurt my bike, Assy, please.

Assy McGee:
Where are the bikes, Mike?

Mike:
Please, man.

Assy McGee:
WHERE ARE THE [bleep] BIKES?!

Mike:
he broke the on-hour speed record with the bike, Assy!

Sanchez:
Just tell us where the bikes are, and no bikes is gonna get hurt.

Mike:
You don't know what you're doing.

Sanchez:
WE WANT OUR [bleep] BIKES BACK NOW!

Mike:
You don't even know who Eddy Merckx is.

Sanchez:
[to Assy] Waste it.

Assy McGee:
I'm just about to shoot this bike.

Mike:
No, please, don't shoot the bike. Put the gun down.

Assy McGee:
There's nothing you can say.

Mike:
I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING! I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING! PLEASE!

Assy McGee it doesn't matter. I'm going to shoot the bike. Wrong answer.

[shoots the 1972 Eddy Merckx bike]

Mike:
No!

Assy McGee:
I just shot your bike.

Mike:
Oh, god, no, no!

Assy McGee:
Now it's a '72 with a hole in it.

Mike:
God! Oh, my baby! Oh, my baby! No! Oh, rasta.

Assy McGee:
Hey, let me know if anything turns up, Mike.

[Assy brutally stapled the flyer into Mike's forehead]

Mike:
AAH! YOU SON OF A B*TCH, McGEE!

Assy McGee:
Me and Mom never did get along.

[Assy and Sanchez contact Yusef's phone number who's in control of stealing the bikes]

Yusef:
Hello?

Assy McGee:
Is this Yusef?

Yusef:
Yes, it is.

Assy McGee:
We have something you might be interested in.

Yusef:
With whom am I speaking?

Assy McGee:
I'm a friend of Messenger Mike's.

Yusef:
Oh, you have some bikes for me.

Assy McGee:
[laughs] Yeah. When can we meet?

Yusef:
Midnight at Pier 21.

Assy McGee:
How will I know who you are?

[Yusef hangs up immeadiately]

Assy McGee:
Sanchez, we need your son.

Sanchez:
What? Why? Assy, no, I don't want my son getting mixed up in --

Assy McGee:
He'll be fine, Sanchez. I've always considered Rodolpho like a son to me.

Sanchez:
Really?

Assy McGee:
I always suspected he might be mine.

Sanchez:
Assy.

Assy McGee:
Did you seriously think you were the only one who banged your wife on your honeymoon?

Sanchez:
[laughs offendedly] Very funny.

Assy McGee:
Remember? You brought the party back up to the suite you rented.

Sanchez:
Yeah.

Assy McGee:
You probably already went to bed.

Sanchez:
I passed out.

Assy McGee:
Things got wild. As I remember, we ran a train on her.

Sanchez:
Right. Right. So, if you had sex with her? What does she have on her thigh?

Assy McGee:
Uh, which one?

Sanchez:
Her left thigh.

Assy McGee:
A birthmark.

Sanchez:
Right. What does she have on her right thigh?

Assy McGee:
A tattoo -- A dolphin jumping over the moon, stretched out.

Sanchez:
DAMN IT, ASSY! You did do her, didn't you?

Assy McGee:
That's basically what I'm saying when I said I did her.

Sanchez:
You were my best man!

Assy McGee:
Well, I guess I was Brandy's best man, too.

Sanchez:
Her name is Brenda.

Assy McGee:
Brenda, Brandy -- Every day I take a leak, I'm sorry.

Assy McGee:
We brought the product.

[the back of the truck lifts the wall up seeing Rodolpho tied in a chair]

Yusef:
I don't understand.

[Assy kicks Yusef inside the back of the truck setting him up]

Sanchez:
Assy, what are you doing? I agreed you could bind and gag Rodolpho, but this is too much.

Assy McGee:
Relax, Sanchez.

Yusef:
What is the meaning of this?

Assy McGee:
Where are the bikes?

Yusef:
What? I do not know what you're talking about.

Assy McGee:
If you don't start talking, [pulls up his gun] the fat kid gets two up top.

Sanchez:
WHAT?

Assy McGee:
You don't want to see a man shoot a boy in the head, do you?

Yusef:
You're crazy. I don't know anything. Who is this boy? WHY DO I CARE ABOUT THIS BOY?!

[Assy shoots Rodolpho's knee]

Sanchez:
ASSY, YOU JUST SHOT MY SON!

Assy McGee:
Whoops. I missed his head.

Sanchez:
[pulls up his gun to Assy] Stand down, Assy. Holster your weapon now!

Assy McGee:
Talk, bike thief.

Sanchez:
Put the gun down, Assy.

Yusef:
Can someone explain what is going on here.

Sanchez:
Assy, I'm totally serious. You've gone too far this time. Put that gun down!

Assy McGee:
Sanchez, don't make me choose between upholding the law, our friendship, and the life of your son.

Yusef:
HIGGINS -- A MAN NAMED HIGGINS. HE IS MY CONTACT. THAT IS ALL I KNOW! NOW, PUT THE GUN DOWN AND LET ME OUT OF THIS TRUCK!

[Assy kicks Yusef out of the truck]

Assy McGee:
Do us all a favor and go blow yourself up.

Sanchez:
What the hell was that, Assy?

Assy McGee:
Just part of the plan, Sanchez.

Sanchez:
What [bleep] plan?

Assy McGee:
The one I made up as I went along. In all the commotion, I planted a bug on our friends, and I'll bet d*cks to donuts, he'll lead us back to my bike.

Sanchez:
You shot my son.

Assy McGee:
Collateral damage. Kid never walks anyway. Look at him he's obese.

Sanchez:
[to his son] You alright?

Assy McGee:
Come here, Rodolpho. Uncle Assy will kiss your boo-boo. [farts]

Assy McGee:
Mr. Higgins, I presume.

[Mr. Higgins rolls down the car window]

Assy McGee:
Mr. Higgins, I presume.

Mr. Higgins:
You don't know who you're dealing with. We happen to be on the same team.

Assy McGee:
Are we, Higgins? Where I come from, people pay for their bikes.

Mr. Higgins:
[sighs] Today it's bikes. Tomorrow it's oil.

Assy McGee:
Oil? Wait, is this a C.I.A.-within-the-C.I.A. thing?

Mr. Higgins:
Yes.

Assy McGee:
You've been trading bikes for chemical weapons in order to destabilize regimes for oil?

Mr. Higgins:
Shh, shh, shh!

Assy McGee:
Wow!

Mr. Higgins:
Yeah. Yeah.

Assy McGee:
That's huge.

Mr. Higgins:
[laughing] I know. I know it's huge. I-I-I thought you know -- That's why you were asking qu-- Yeah, okay.

Assy McGee:
No. No. Wow. Because you keep everything lubricated -- That's why you need the oil.

Mr. Higgins:
No. No. No. No. No. No.

Assy McGee:
You need the oil.

Mr. Higgins:
Not the oil for the bikes.

Assy McGee:
But the bikes need oil.

Mr. Higgins:
The oil for the energy source.

Assy McGee:
Wow. Can I get my bike back?

Mr. Higgins:
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We can get your bike back, no problem. Can you promise not to say anything about the C.I.A. within the C.I.A.?

Assy McGee:
Oh, no, yeah, sure, no, yeah.

Mr. Higgins:
Okay, great. I would appreciate that.

Assy McGee:
Right.

Assy & Mr. Higgins:
[both laugh]

Mr. Higgins:
Mums the word?

Assy McGee:
Right.

Assy & Mr. Higgins:
[both laugh]

Mr. Higgins:
Yeah.

Assy McGee:
[farts]

[while Gordon was about to make his speech, the lights went out when someone captures Gordon until the light came back on]

Principal Jenkins:
Gordon? Where's Gordon? For the love of god, has anyone seen Gordon? GORDOOOON!

Student In The Back:
Principal Jenkins smokes pole!

Chief:
Gordon Gerton -- Top speller in the nation. Calls Exeter home. Little freak was kidnapped earlier this afternoon.

Sanchez:
So what? Does he has famous parents or something?

Chief:
Sanchez, pick up a [bleep] paper once in a while.

Chief:
International spelling bee is tomorrow, and this turd's the star attraction. In fact, he's the only reason the Mayor's won the hosting rights this year.

Assy McGee:
Uniforms find any breadcrumbs?

Chief:
Well, he dropped his dictionary during the abduction. Forensics is taking a look. We caught this on the gym surveillance.

Assy McGee:
Wait! Rewind that.

[Chief rewinds the footage]

Assy McGee:
STOP! Right there! You see? Zoom in. Third row. Yeah. Closer. Closer. There.

[Chief pans the footage to the citizen woman]

Assy McGee:
Huge cans.

Assy McGee:
Hello, nerds. I'm your new english teacher, Mr. Hollmmmnn....today we're gonna work on spelling.

Student Nerd:
Uh, pardon me, but are you even qualified? I'm filling in for Gordon at tomorrow's spelling bee.

Assy McGee:
Must have been tough being number two, huh?

Student Nerd:
I don't have time for you, sir.

Assy McGee:
Trust me, sweetheart, YOU"RE GONNA MAKE TIME! [wrecks Student Nerd]

Scientist Woman:
So, I found these strands of hair in Gordon's pocket dictionary.

Sanchez:
Let me guess, you found them under "H."

Sanchez and Scientist Woman:
[laughs]

Scientist Woman:
Oh, detective, you are a wild one.

Sanchez:
I guess so. I get crazy sometimes. Yeah, call me Don.

[Assy puts the gun in the Student Nerd's mouth to confess where Gordon is]

Assy McGee:
WHERE DID YOU HIDE THE DORK? WHERE IS HE? THE DORK! THE DORK! THE DORK! WHERE'S THE DORK!

[Sanchez comes in]

Sanchez:
Hey Assy -- WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! IT'S NOT HIM! Don't shoot the kid, huh? It's not him. Forensics found a match. The hair from the dictionary matches the school sex-ed teacher. We got a match, kid. [laughing] And you got to meet this girl that works down there. She's unbelievable.

Sanchez:
I mean, it's just a crush. I mean, I still love Brenda and everything, but...

Assy McGee:
[to Student Nerd] Clean yourself up, kid. You smell like P-I-S.

[Assy sees the inside of a genitalia poster the sex-ed teacher is putting up]

Assy McGee:
Ah, yes, the human brain -- Earth's oldest mystery.

Sanchez:
Look, that type of relationship with a student -- That's illegal. You should know that. You're a teacher. That's a bond of trust you have with these children, you know?

Sex-Ed Teacher:
I know, but --

Assy McGee:
You'll do 20 years if the judge has his way.

Sex-Ed Teacher:
Please let it slide. I'll do anything.

Assy McGee:
I can give you 4 1/2.

Sex-Ed Teacher:
4 1/2? Sounds do-able.

Assy McGee:
Oh, it's do-able, alright.

Sanchez:
Assy, forget it, huh? That's against regulations.

Assy McGee:
So is passing up grade-A cougar, Sanchez.

Sanchez:
Well, I'm not gonna be part of this.

Assy McGee:
Damn right you're not, so do daddy a copperfield and disappear for 15. Suspect here just qualified for my early-release program.

Sanchez:
Where we headed?

Assy McGee:
Real learning takes place on the street. Pull over.

Sanchez:
An asian massage parlor? Are you kidding me?

Assy McGee:
It's a spa, Sanchez. Healing waters is -- It's relaxation.

Sanchez:
[to the kids] Yeah, anyway, so Abraham Lincoln was, I think the 14th president, and he wore a tail-pipe hat. Did you guys know that? It was pretty cool-looking.

Assy McGee:
[in the spa] That all you got, YOU FILTHY ANIMAL?

Student:
Mr. Sanchez, are you married?

Sanchez:
Yes, I am.

Student:
What's that like?

Sanchez:
It's lonely...but it's nice, you know? It's nice to have a special someone to tell you to do the dishes. [grabs the student] I F****ING DID THE DISHES ALREADY!

Student:
O-okay, thanks.

[Assy gets wild getting a spa treatment]

Assy McGee:
Harder! HARDER! HARDER, I SAID! LEAVE A MARK, DAMN IT!

Student:
[to Sanchez] Your friend likes it rough.

Sanchez:
That's my partner. [enjoys Assy's personality]

Ling:
Why so feisty this week, Assy?

Assy McGee:
Slamming my head against the wall on this case. I got to find this missing rug rat or Exeter loses the bee.

Ling:
Oh, right. Spelling bee tonight. Kept me so busy this week. Been using both hands. Seems like half of the Shanghai-- Uh, never mind.

Assy McGee:
Shanghai what? Triad We talking about gangsters? DON'T TURN ON ME, LING!

Ling:
Okay. Okay. Yes, Shanghai Triad. They come in real happy. Say they finally take spelling title back from round eye.

Assy McGee:
Where are these Shanghai punks hanging?

Ling:
Seedy bar by old river.

Assy McGee:
I know that joint.

Ling:
Are you all ready to finish up?

Assy McGee:
I'm done..

Ling:
What's the matter? Ling not do it good for you this time?

Assy McGee:
You did just fine. [farts]

Sanchez:
[to the kids] And you realize that your penis is very bored, and you look over at your wife, and you want to vomit, but you can't.

[Assy and Wang play roulette]

Assy McGee:
Why did you do it, Wang?

Wang:
We need to win. We win, we get the hosting rights back -- Big money for our organization.

[Assy takes the first shot to head, but luckily, there was no bullet]

Assy McGee:
I appreciate your honesty, Wang. Maybe one day the two of us --

[Wang take his shot to death without knowing there was a bullet inside of it, losing the game]

Assy McGee:
Still undefeated.

Mayor:
Great job, boys. You'll both be running into unmarked bills next week, as in I'll be giving you lots of illegal money.

Chief:
Good work, McGee. Now, go buy yourself a decent suit.

Assy McGee:
[farts]

Soccer Announcer:
...Crazy out here, Tommy. I can't believe it. I can't believe what I'm seeing. And that should do it. Tottenham shuts out Manchester, 3-nil, and Paint Me Nuts Purple if this ain't the EPL upset of the year!

[the people who remembered Glen came to his ceremony]

Police Officer #1:
He'd put on whatever game you wanted if you asked a few times.

Police Officer #2:
Eh. Bastard sure could change a keg.

Police Officer #3:
Yeah, that was Glen. That was Glen.

DiLorenzo:
Walked in on him nailin' my sister once. Uh...sounded consensual.

Policer Officer #4:
[to Glen's Wife] And no matter how unpredictable your life was, you always knew you'd hear when you walked in.

All:
"How'd ya do on that aids test?"

[Assy prays for the Lord]

Assy McGee:
You know, I ain't always done right by you, Lord. But it's always the wrong reason. Figure that makes us about even. OH, MY GOD! Let's retreat and live by your tenets 24/7. [gulps]

Assy McGee:
What's the point of it all? I dare you to give me a reason to live. [point the gun on himself] JUST GIVE ME ON [bleep] REASON TO DO THIS! WHY SHOULD I LIVE WITH THIS PAIN?! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?!

[cuts to the next scene that the scene originally started as a wedding event]

Kelly:
Oh, my god. Are you okay?

Assy McGee:
[falling miserably on the floor] All life is suffering.

Kelly:
Oh. Like, so, do you need a lift to the reception?

Assy McGee:
OPEN BAR!

Chief:
I know it's been a tough week for everyone. This is what they did to him.

[Chief shows a picture of Glen getting shot and getting choked on a egg]

Chief:
To the best of my knowledge, he didn't even like eggs, so there's a very good chance that was forced into his mouth.

Chief:
Dooley, you're ridin' with Sanchez.

Sanchez:
Dooley? The douche? Uh, sir, I respectfully decline. I mean, this guy--

DiLorenzo:
Sanchez and Douche. Sounds like a freakin' country-western team or somethin'.

Dooley:
[to DiLorenzo] Ya blow your Mom with those lips, ya fat, ugly wop bastard? [brutally slaps DiLorenzo out of his seat]

Chief:
[laughs]

Sanchez:
That's the kind of stuff I'm talkin' about.

Chief:
The [bleep] douche.

[Dooley spends time with Sanchez in the car]

Father:
Tommy Dooley. How goes it, my son?

Dooley:
Tryin' to keep the faith, Father. Save me a few hail marys, will ya?

Girls:
[seductively] Hey, Dooley.

Sanchez:
[irritated] You mind rollin' the window up there, Tom?

Dooley:
Get to know the people, Sanchez -- That's what I do. That's what my Father did and his Father did and his Father did.

Sanchez:
Well, can you get to know them when I don't have the A/C on full blast, please?

Dooley:
Five men stand high on a ledge. Four decide to jump. How many are left, Sanchez?

Sanchez:
Mm...one. Maybe one left.

Dooley:
WRONG! FIVE! You see, Donnie, there's a might difference between deciding and doing.

Sanchez:
Just keep the window up in the future, please.

Dooley:
Yeah, perhaps I'll decide to!

Sanchez:
Why don't you decide to keep the window up?!

Dooley:
It doesn't matter if I don't do it.

Sanchez:
Just keep the window up, please!

Dooley:
Don't you understand? I can decide--

Sanchez:
JUST KEEP UP THE WINDOW!

Dooley:
[rolls the window up] Alright, then. There ya go.

[Assy get drunk and hallucinates Glen who is originally another bartender]

Assy McGee:
[drunk] Glen? You've been reincarnated into a shirtless a**hole? Gimme six dyslexic indians.

Kelly:
Hey, were have you been?

Assy McGee:
Put some sneakers and meet me on the dance floor. Daddy feels like bumpin' fronts.

Kelly:
Okay. [smooches]

[Assy blushed]

[Mayor and Chief play tennis while talking about Glen's death]

Mayor:
Got to take stone grapes to walk in a bar broad daylight... [grunts] ...shoot my city's most beloved bartender.

Chief:
Yeah. He was practically one of our own, damn it. I'm tellin' you, man, my men are pissed! I won't be able to keep them on a leash much longer.

Mayor:
This reek of the O'briens to you?

Chief:
No question about it.

Mayor:
Well, that filthy, potato-peelin' family of narrowbacks is gonna cost me the next election!

Chief:
Those sons of b*tches still smell of the pee.

Mayor:
Nice. Damn, that's a small ball, huh? That thing don't bounce! Yeah, I don't want to play this one no more.

Sanchez:
Whose place is this, anyway?

Dooley:
A hungry pigeon, that's who. [knocks on door] MARKY! We just want to talk to ya.

[Marky open the door]

Marky:
What do you want, douche?

Dooley:
How's the old man? He and Terry still cuttin' lumber at Dugan's?

Marky:
Uh, you know, laid off -- Tending bar down the pig still.

Dooley:
Well, I'll have to stop in for a pint. I'll tell him I saw you and you look like you're finally getting your life together.

Marky:
Y-You'd do that for me?

Dooley:
Well, if you tell me where Mikey O'Brien is.

Marky:
Aw, come on, douche. I don't know nothin'.

Dooley:
You don't know nothin', do ya? [to Sanchez] Stretch your legs for me, will ya, detective?

Sanchez:
Your show.

[Dooley straight up kicks Marky's door]

[Assy does stand up comedy]

Assy McGee:
...And if that doesn't work, you might want to try adoption.

[Assy and Kelly secretly go to another room after doing the congo]

Assy McGee:
Always the bridesmaid, hey Juanita?

Kelly:
It's "Kelly."

Assy McGee:
[sniffs] Save those lips for dessert.

Kelly:
You're reckless.

Assy McGee:
You're sluty.

[suddenly one of the bad guys who killed Glen opens the door closet]

Mikey O'Brien:
KELLY! You should be ashamed of yourself! Now, get the hell outta here.

Assy McGee:
Thanks for the blue balls, Mick.

[Dooley brutally drowns him in the toilet]

Dooley:
Where the [bleep] is Mikey O'Brien?

Marky:
I-I don't know. Family wedding this weekend -- That's what I heard. The country club. I don't know. Maybe he'll be there.

Dooley:
That's good. Now get yourself right, my boy. [toilet flushes]

Mikey O'Brien:
Very brave, detective -- Riskin' your life for some two-bit bartender.

Assy McGee:
Not as brave as bangin' that horseface niece of yours. [referring to Kelly]

[Assy escapes the O'Briens family]

Sanchez:
Assy! What are you doin' here?

Assy McGee:
God has interceded and led me to Glen's killer.

Dooley:
O'Brien's in there?

Assy McGee:
All of them, douche -- The whole damn family. Tell me you brought trunk porn.

Dooley:
That's how I roll, baby.

[Assy give his moments to Glen]

Assy McGee:
I, uh...I'm gonna miss you, pal. You were the best. But, actually, the new guy's better. Don't worry about your dog. I had him euthanized.

Assy McGee:
Ohhhh. We got 'em. We got 'em back for you. We hit 'em all hard, real hard -- Kids, women. There was children all over the place. [chuckles] They won't grow up to be bad. Oh, Glen, Glen, Glen. I'll miss you, buddy. I'll miss you.

Assy McGee:
Now push over and make some room.

[Assy gets inside the tub sliding into Glen's arms for this moment]

Mayor:
So, as you can see, today I unveil my cops-read-to-old-people-program program, also known as CROPP.

Sanchez:
[to the Old Woman] "But the little train had to be on the tracks all by hisself." Look at him. He's a all alone right here.

DiLorenzo:
[to the Old Man] I lo-- I love you, mommy, a lot. I lo- love w-when you...

Assy McGee:
it was a queer, sultry summer, the summer they electrocuted the rosenbergs. I didn't know what I was doing in new York.

Old Military Man:
New York? No, I landed on Ohama. Stepped on an "S" mine. In this chair ever since.

Assy McGee:
Maybe this will cheer you up, commander.

Old Military Man:
An AK-49 long barrel?! Krautbuster! How did you--

Assy McGee:
Johnson's War. My lai, March 1968. Souvenir from an uncooperative V.C. Colonel. "Hands up!" I said. But he wouldn't listen.

[Assy then starts to have a PTSD moment where he hallucinate in a battlefield telling Mr. Charlie to raise his hands up]

Assy McGee:
Hands up! Hands up!, Mr. Charlie!" I'm gonna ask you one more time. Put...your...damn...HANDS...UP!

Old Military Man:
What the hell is wrong with you?!

[Assy gunshots the old military men]

Assy McGee:
[returns to reality] Oops.

[after the CROPP incident with the old military man]

Assy McGee:
Let me save you some breath.

Chief:
That old-timer's in critical condition.

Assy McGee:
I don't now how many ways to say it, Chief. He wouldn't show me his hands.

Chief:
HE'S A PARAPELGIC!

Assy McGee:
NOBODY TOLD ME WHAT THAT MEANS!

Chief:
Well, you have plenty of time to learn, serving 5 to 10 for involuntary manslaughter.

Assy McGee:
Just tack it on to the life sentence God gave me.

Chief:
For now, two weeks no pay and mandatory counseling.

Assy McGee:
Counseling? Forget it. Johnny College ain't takin' a hike inside this head.

Chief:
You need help, Assy.

Assy McGee:
[annoyed] We done her, Chief?

Chief:
Unfortunately, we just might be. We just might be.

Assy McGee:
Well, good luck replacing integrity.

Barber:
Damn, you got soft skin, Assy, smooth as a baby's bottom.

Assy McGee:
Don't get any ideas, Father.

Sanchez:
[to Assy] Well, you're finally off the frontpage, pal. Nothin' but a bunch of old people dying in car crashes.

Sanchez:
I shoot I gotta go!

Assy McGee:
Who'd they partner you with?

Sanchez:
Nobody. I cashed in a couple of vacation days. I figured with Rudolpho off to camp, might be a good time for me and Brenda to work some stuff out.

Assy McGee:
Baseball Camp?

Sanchez:
Uh, no. He's not into --

Barber:
Soccer?

Sanchez:
No, it's not really a, uh, a so --

Assy McGee:
Band Camp?

Sanchez:
Oh, no he's --

Assy McGee:
Theater Camp?

Sanchez:
Uh...

Assy McGee:
Astronaut Camp?

Sanchez:
I got to go. I'll talk to you later.

Assy McGee:
WHAT KIND OF CAMP IS IT, SANCHEZ?!

Barber:
You know that rash of car deaths Sanchez was yapping about -- Old people randomly slamming their cars into brick walls?

Assy McGee:
Yeah.

Barber:
I heard maybe they ain't so random.

Assy McGee:
Why should I believe a [bleep] tard, fruit-flamer, brokeback fuzz like yourself?

Barber:
A barber hears things.

Assy McGee:
Well, hear this -- If I go out and waste my time investigating this lead ONLY TO FIND OUT YOU'RE WASTING MY CLOCK, I'LL CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR!

Sanchez:
Well, here we are, champ. You excited? They got canoe and don't forget we love you, no matter how much weight you lose or you don't lose. But try to work hard ad lose some weight, okay?

[Rudolpho leaves to head to Fat Camp]

Sanchez:
[sighs] He ain't gonna lose a damn ounce.

Brenda:
DON!

Sanchez:
You want him to get the kid diabetes? HE'S ON A FAST TRACK FOR THAT!

Brenda:
I don't care about no diabetes. I just want him to be happy.

Sanchez:
Well, let me tell you something, Brenda -- Nothing about Fat Camp makes a kid happy.

Brenda:
Oh, ho, are you speaking from experience?

Sanchez:
YOU WANT TO GO DOWN THAT ROAD, HUH?! BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT EXACTLY A TERRIBLE CANDIDATE YOURSELF, PUMPKIN!

Brenda:
That's not what Gordon says,

Sanchez:
NOW IT'S "GORDON." HUH? It use to be "My Chiropractor Gordon". Sounds like he's looking for a new title!

Brenda:
Maybe you could lend him "WORLD'S BIGGEST A**HOLE"!

[Brenda kicks Sanchez out of the car]

Sanchez:
REAL CLASSY, YOU FAT B*TCH!

Chief:
[on phone] Then bleach it and skip dinner. I don't care as long as it's clean.

Chief:
The hell you doing here?

Assy McGee:
I need to investigate Exeter general.

Chief:
Forget it! You're on suspension!

Assy McGee:
Someone's stealing old people! IT'S ALL THERE! JUST READ IT!

Chief:
Don't you get it, McGee? The last thing the force needs right is your UGLY, PICKLED MUG BACK IN THE NEWSPAPERS!

Sanchez:
This is great meatloaf, honey.

Brenda:
I want a divorce.

Sanchez:
So, have you heard from Rudolpho?

Brenda:
He's upstairs.

Sacnhez:
What did you tell him?

Brenda:
I told him you're dead.

Sanchez:
Well, I guess I'll go break him the good news.

[Assy fires bullets at a shooting range]

Assy McGee:
You shall now walk again. Throw away your chair. Walk again!

Mayor:
Well, detective McGee, that's a nice grouping.

Assy McGee:
It's not a grouping. It's my calling.

Mayor:
A calling that could bring a lot of financially curious southern tourist to our fair city.

Assy McGee:
Not interested.

Mayor:
Well, then, what are gonna do?

Assy McGee:
Walk the earth healing paraplegics with the mysterious power of lead hollow points.

[Assy gets hit by a bus]

Mayor:
Oh, that's nasty.

Sanchez:
Hey, Rudolpho, we really need to --

[sees Rudolpho jacking off at a dessert magazine]

Sanchez:
WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO YOURSELF?! BRENDA! BRENDA, COME IN HERE! OH, FAT LITTLE PERV!

[Brenda comes by]

Sanchez:
You did this to him. Honey, what's the matter?

Brenda:
It's Assy. He's in critical condition.

Sanchez:
Critical condition? Where is he? Which hospital?

Brenda:
Exeter General.

Sanchez:
Okay, I got to go.

[Sanchez leaves]

Brenda:
WE STILL NEED TO TALK!

[Chief checks with Assy to see how he's doing after getting hit by the bus]

Chief:
Damn it, Assy. You should have listened to me. But I'm glad you didn't. Some sicko's been stealing old people, selling them, using them as crash test dummies. Guess they're cheaper than the real thing.

Chief:
We just shut down the company. But now we got to find out who this sicko is.

Nurse:
Sir, visiting hours are over.

[Chief kisses Assy before he leaves]

Chief:
[to Nurse] Bite me.

Fake Officer:
Okay, assbag, you're free to go.

Driver:
Phew.

Fake Officer:
To heaven. [shoots the driver's arm]

Driver:
Ohh! What the --

Fake Officer:
Damn! To heaven! [gunshot]

Driver:
AAH!

Fake Officer:
To heaven. [gunshot]

Driver:
CAN'T YOU SHOOT ME?!

Fake Officer:
Mother -- Damn.

Driver:
Aah!

Fake Officer:
To heaven! [kills the driver] There we go! That's the stuff.

Assy McGee:
What'd you get?

Sanchez:
Oh, just a hot dog.

Assy McGee:
Bacon-wrapped?

Sanchez:
No, just a regular one. I got chili on it, little bit of onions. I can't have bacon.

Assy McGee:
Wussy.

Sanchez:
Look, I don't want to sound ungrateful. To be honest with you, I don't have too much familiarity with Blind Athony.

Assy McGee:
They say that God ran out of eyes, so he gave Blind Anthony and extra special voice.

Ticket Person:
Who needs two? I got two on the balcony. Who needs two?

Assy McGee:
[whistles] Two on the balcony! I'll take 'em.

[as the the ticket person was bout to hand Assy the tickets, Assy suddenly pulls out the gun on him]

Ticket Person:
Oh [bleep] me. Come on.

Assy McGee:
Congratulations. You've been pinched for sclaping.

Ticket Person:
I ain't hurting nobody.

Assy McGee:
How about you're costing the american taxpayer an arm... [shoots the Ticket Person's arm]

Sanchez:
Assy!

Assy McGee:
...and a leg. [shoots the Ticket Person's leg]

Sanchez:
Take it easy. He don't deserve that.

Assy McGee:
AND AN ANKLE! [shoots the Ticket Person's ankle] You can thank my fat partner for that one.

Sanchez:
You shouldn't abuse your badge like that, Assy. I wouldn't have come if I'd known you didn't have tickets.

Assy McGee:
I got two on the balcony.

Ticket Person:
[gets up] A**hole.

Assy McGee:
HERE'S TWO FOR YOUR BALCONY! [shoots the Ticket Person]

Baby Steps:
Peeble! Happy Birthday.

Peeble:
Thank you, daddy.

Baby Steps:
How about a hug for daddy?

[Peeble getting ready to hug his father]

Baby Steps:
Stop. It's your day. Let daddy bring the sugar to you.

[Baby Steps slowly walks up to his son to hug him which took him bunch of minutes to get there]

Baby Steps:
Are you ready for your gift?

Peeble:
Is it singing lessons?

Baby Steps:
No. No more lessons.

Peeble:
But I want to be a great singer! You promised!

Baby Steps:
And you will. Please don't whine. You will.

Peeble:
When?

Baby Steps:
As soon as your gift arrives. It could have been me, Peeble. I could have had the fame and glory you desire. The spotlight was elusive for those with disabilities such as mine. Let me tell you a story.

Peeble:
No, I-I know.

Baby Steps:
I WANNA TELL IT TO YOU AGAIN!

Baby Steps:
It was 10th grade. We ran track together. High hurdles, discus. We were best friends, he and I. But it was the javelin -- That damn javelin! SON OF A B*TCH DIDN'T LOOK AND RUINED MY LIFE! HE WAS ALWAYS CARELESS!

Peeble:
And that's why you walk so slowly?

Baby Steps:
WHAT?! No, that's why I can't sing. [hoarsely] A La la la.

Sanchez:
Big concert like that and the singers don't show up? Kind of unprofessional, if you ask me. Eh, Prima Donnas.

Assy:
[farts]

Sanchez:
So what do you want to do? I'm pretty much free tonight.

Assy McGee:
You bore the hell out of me. Drop me at the bar.

Sanchez:
Oh. Alright. Which bar do you want to go?

Assy McGee:
THE CLOSEST BAR, SANHCEZ!

[Sanchez mistakenly bumps over a dead person while driving]

Sanchez:
What the hell was that?!

Assy McGee:
Possum. Pull over. You can eat them if they're not too brown.

[Assy and Sanchez gets out of the car to see who they bump over]

Sanchez:
Wow! That's no possum. What do you make of that, Assy?

Assy McGee:
Roadkill. [farts]

Sanchez:
I guess you could call this his last stop, huh?

Assy McGee:
Good one, Sanchez. Try using that toy radio for something practical.

Sanchez:
I'm trying, partner. I got no prints here, I got no tracks. I got no nothing. Where does it all lead?

Assy McGee:
To dead end city, Sanchez. Population -- Us.

DiLorenzo:
My, my, my. Pretty freakin' scenic, huh, douche bags? [laughing] Hey, you guys working the choir case?

Assy McGee:
What's it to you, "DiRetardo"?

DiLorenzo:
Patrol car found those blinds over there bouncing around the civic center. [laughs] "Hey, where am I? Where am I?" I'm not that-that's funny. Absolutely not. Bless their hearts, you know?

[Assy and Sanchez suddenly stole his patrol car for their evidence]

DiLorenzo:
Hey, come on! That was my freakin' clue! HEY, THAT'S MY CAR! Friggin' jerks.

[Assy and Sanchez sees a blind choir member walking around the bar]

Assy McGee:
Looks like someone needs a new hobby. Drinking ain't working out for him.

Sanchez:
He's not drunk, he's blind.

Assy McGee:
Well, I'm both, but I'm not complaining.

Fake Officer:
Hey, assbag, how about another drink? Come on, assbag! I'm talking to you! Let's go!

Choir Member:
Did you just say "Assbag"?

Fake Officer:
I said it! Over here! So what?! Assbag, assbag, assbag! Got a problem?

Choir Member:
[to Sanchez] Hey, that's what the guy said just before he kidnapped Blind Anthony. He called our driver an assbag.

Sanchez:
Is that right? Assbag?

Fake Officer:
No, it ain't right. You must be confused, blind man.

[Assy points the gun at the fake officer]

Assy McGee:
And you must feel my gun against your head. Who you working for?

Fake Officer:
Come on, man, I was just the delivery guy. I don't know anything.

[Assy brutally tackles the fake officer]

Assy McGee:
WHO ARE YOU WORKIN' FOR?! START TALKING!

Fake Officer:
I swear! Come on, the guy was a freak! Took like 10 minutes just to the door.

Assy McGee:
Because he walks so damn slow.

Fake Officer:
He took like these little stubby little --

Assy and Sanchez:
BABY STEPS!

Fake Officer:
Yeah, those.

[Assy shoots the fake officer]

Sanchez:
Disgusting.

Assy McGee:
I got three left, Sanchez. Let's go be heroes.

Peeble:
Really? I have Blind Anthony's vocal cords, daddy?

Baby Steps:
That's right, baby. You can sing now!

Peeble:
But what if it doesn't work?

Baby Steps:
Then turn around and wait for a loud bang. [while pointing the gun at the doctor]

Assy McGee:
Let the doctor go.

Baby Steps:
You killed my only son.

Assy McGee:
You should've had twins.

Assy McGee:
[tired] I don't want to live like this anymore. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Mutumbo:
Have you considered there might be a deeper link to the corruption that permeates the sport of Jai Alai in general?

Chief:
What? That's outrageous.

Mutumbo:
Come on, Chief, who is kidding who? Jai Alai is one of the most corrupt sports in the world. Bob Vila -- He couldn't fix the games any better. It's a joke, Chief.

Chief:
[ignoring] La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la...

Mutumbo:
We're a modern society, and we can't keep coddling criminals!

Chief:
La.

Mutumbo:
Look at me. I am the whistleblower.

[Mutumbo suddenly gets hit by can and bruised by Assy]

[Assy swims in the pool looking at ladies' bodies]

Assy McGee:
Someone order a bikini inspector?

[Assy then farts blood in the pool]

Assy McGee:
Whoops. I thought that was just an urban legend.

El Coyote:
Why don't you shut your fat face?

Sanchez:
I beg your pardons?

El Coyote:
You and your tough little friend don't belong here in Miami Beach. So why don't you just pack up your inexpensive carry-on luggage and take your family funfare airline back to your depressing New England hamlet?

Sanchez:
Excuse me, Mr. Coyote, but the last time I checked, THIS IS A FREE COUNTRY. And New England is not depressing. We have all the seasons and a beautiful, rugged coastline.

[Assy gets a call from the Chief while playing ball sport game]

Assy McGee:
[panting] McGee.

Chief:
McGee?

Assy McGee:
[panting] McGee.

Chief:
Yeah. What?

Assy McGee:
[panting] McGee.

Chief:
Glad you made it home safe. Listen, I haven't heard a peep from Sanchez or the kidnappers. Looks like the Miami Syndicate got wind of us sniffing around on their home turf, so they abducted Sanchez. Best guess -- He's dead.

Assy McGee:
Which means I have two unused tickets to the "Miami Vice" sightseeing tour, and I need to get on eBay yesterday.

[Assy tries to find internet connection to find the Miami Syndicate]

Assy McGee:
I NEED A WI-FI SPOT AND A TALL AMERICANO! And a churro.

Store Worker:
$4.79, please.

[Assy gives a 4 dollar buck to the Store Worker]

Store Worker:
Every nickel counts.

Assy McGee:
Dimes count more. That's why I keep them.

Store Worker:
Yay. Another 4,000 customers like you and I can move my nine kids out of section 8.

Assy McGee:
Where's the palace, sweetheart?

Store Worker:
It's in the Little Jamaica neighborhood of Exeter.

Assy McGee:
Oh. I love Little Italy.

Store Worker:
No, this is Little Jamaica.

Assy McGee:
Oh, why don't you just call it Jamaica?

Store Worker:
'Cause it's not Jamaica. It's a neighborhood here in Exeter.

Assy McGee:
Why don't you just call it Exeter?

Store Worker:
It's a neighborhood Exeter.

Assy McGee:
Yeah, right. Why not?

Store Worker:
Why not what?

Assy McGee:
Why not tell me the difference between Jamaica and Little Jamaica?

Store Worker:
Well for one thing, Jamaica's nicer. Ever since we've been overrun by those thugs from the Miami Syndicate --

Assy McGee:
THE MIAMI SYNDICATE?!

Store Worker:
They've been creeping into this neighborhood for the past few months. It's changed everything. Never thought it could get worse, but --

Assy McGee:
Thanks for the tip, sister. A little something for your trouble.

[Assy breaks half of his churro and send it into the tip cup]

Assy McGee:
[sniffs] I smell a syndicate.

Sanchez:
[weakly] Assy! Thank god you came.

Assy McGee:
Shut up. I thought you were dead.

Sanchez:
[weakly] You got to help me. I'm sick, Assy. I'm real sick.

Assy McGee:
What's wrong with your lips?

Sanchez:
[weakly] I got an infection. I got an infection real bad.

Assy McGee:
Whoa, your mustache just flew away.

Sanchez:
[weakly] It hurts so bad. They're animals.

Assy McGee:
Who did this to you, Sanchez.

Sanchez:
[weakly] It's the Miami Syndicate. They're all up in this place.

Assy McGee:
Florida pussies.

[Assy gives Sanchez's upper lip to the medical helpers]

Assy McGee:
That's a man's upper lip that you're holding on to! It looks like just a mustache, but it's his whole lip! I kept it iced! If you can keep the flesh alive, YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO ATTACH IT AGAIN! And that will save the hair follicles from dying off.

Chief:
Four weeks and four fires. I can already feel the Mayor tearing me a second exit.

Chief:
What are we looking at here?

Lemanski:
See that there? Manipulation of two impregnated paper insulated conductors.

Chief:
Do I look like I speak Japanese, Lemanski? Crap me out some [bleep] english!

Sanchez:
What's with the suspenders?

Assy McGee:
Marcel. So she'll recognize me.

Sanchez:
Good idea. In all sincerity, I'm real happy for you, Ass, you know? I was honestly doubting if you'd ever get back on the horse again after Theresa.

[points the gun at Sanchez, while Sanchez is driving]

Assy McGee:
DON'T GO THERE, DON! EVER!

Aquarium Employee:
Hello, there. And welcome to the Exeter marine life aquarium, where we have a variety of payment options.

Assy McGee:
I'm a cop, I don't pay.

Aquarium Employee:
Unfortunately, our not-for-profit Exeter marine life aquarium enforce a firm "No excuses" policy [chuckles] when it comes to admission.

Assy McGee:
I don't think you understand.

Aquarium Employee:
I don't think YOU understand that you can have a super-swell time by purchasing either our gold, silver, or bronze package.

Assy McGee:
[pulls up his gun] How about a red package?

[Assy meet his new lover but different than usual]

Assy McGee:
Well, hello, ice cream. 99 butter...?

Trans Woman:
[deep voice] Ass detective 64?

Assy McGee:
[laughs]

Trans Woman:
Mmm. Oh, my god. You're like so much taller than your photo.

Assy McGee:
And you're more repulsive.

Trans Woman:
Look at you -- Handsome Dan the Cookie Man. I just want to slap you and rub you. Am I going to fast?

Sanchez:
Hey, there. Assy McGee sent me.

Undercover Person:
Walks on four, then two, then three.

Sanchez:
Are you...what?

Undercover Person:
Walks on four, then two, then three.

Sanchez:
I don't know. Is this a riddle, or...

Undercover Person:
The answer is "Man". The wildest animal of them all.

Trans Woman:
That one with the sharp teeth is a peruvian yellowfish. I'd sure like to nibble on you, big boy, huh? Rar, rar, rar, rar, rar.

Assy McGee:
[sniffs] You shower today?

Trans Woman:
Actually, I was running late, so --

Assy McGee:
Oh, no. I love female body odor. I wish more women were unhygienic.

[Assy sees fire in the Aquarium]

Assy McGee:
[to Trans Woman] Ever see a man put out a fire in an aquarium before? In case of emergency, BREAK GLASS!

[Assy breaks the glass in the Aquarium where all the sea animals used to be at]

Assy McGee:
Close your eyes for me, honey. I can't let these poor fish breathe to death.

[Assy shoots the dolphins]

Chief:
[on phone] Yeah? Well, she's your second cousin. Yeah, I'd slam the brakes at ball plate.

Chief:
We miraculously recovered some surveillance footage from the aquarium today.

Assy McGee:
Learn anything?

Chief:
We learned everything. But you're not gonna like it.

[Chief shows the footage on screen where it shows Assy's new lover]

Chief:
Now, Assy, hold up. Before you go and do anything stupid...

[Assy kicks the chair and leaves]

Chief:
Assy. Assy, get back here! You're too close to this! YOU'RE TOO CLOOOOOSE!

DiLorenzo:
Hey, Chief, I'm having trouble logging on my e-mail. Server down?

[after Assy was about to incinerate his new lover for arsoning apartments]

Chief:
Turns out the tape is inconclusive. The girl probably had nothing to with it, and our arsonist is still out there.

Sanchez:
So what do we do?

Chief:
Let here go! She's innocent!

[Trans Woman suddenly gets exploded from the gas in the interrogation room]

Chief:
I mean, she was guilty as hell. As far as I'm concerned, this case is over.

Chief:
Sanchez, I need you to run to the pharmacy and pick up my prescription. It's a cream. Hurry! They're about to close!

Assy McGee:
[on phone] McGee.

Timmy the Kid:
I want my diaper bag back.

Assy McGee:
You want...huh?

Timmy the Kid:
They took my diaper bag.

Assy McGee:
Who is this? Sanchez?

Assy McGee:
Chief, I'm going out. I got a call about a stolen diaper bag.

Chief:
The hell you are. You're on suspension, McGee. You're chained to your desk.

Assy McGee:
You can chain me. You can torture me. You can even destroy this body. But you'll never imprison my mind. Gandhi.

Assy McGee:
What's this?

Mirabelle:
[spanish]

Assy McGee:
No, I'm here to see Timmy.

Mirabelle:
[talking spanish by giving Assy some money]

Assy McGee:
Okay. Tell Timmy I stopped by about the diaper bag. Here's my card. Best way to get me is the MySpace.

McDermott:
Taking off, McGee? Why don't you stick around? 10 minutes in the champagne room -- My treat.

Assy McGee:
I don't drink champagne. And I don't like rooms.

McDermott:
So, uh, how's that, deh, diaper-bag thing coming along? You, uh, still working that? You know [clears throat] Chief was saying the other day that maybe Pepperelli and I should take that case, you know?

Assy McGee:
It's my collar.

McDermott:
You are technically still on suspension.

Assy McGee:
[pulls up his gun to McDermott] GET OUT OF MY FACE, McDERMOTT!

McDermott:
You're making a big mistake, McGee.

Assy McGee:
So did you dad's penis when it let itself be inserted into your mother's vagina.

Assy McGee:
What do you know about this diaper-bag case?

Sanchez:
I don't nothing about it. Why? What's going on?

Assy McGee:
We're gonna find out. Bring your car around.

Sanchez:
Uh, okay. But can it wait, bro? We were just about to watch "Mrs. Doubtfire" on our new 50 foot inflatable outdoor movie screen. Have you seen it? It's hilarious. Robin Williams dresses up like a lady.

Assy McGee:
I didn't know you were into the ponies, Sanchez.

Sanchez:
Oh, I'm not gonna race 'em. I'm gonna put 'em up for stud. There's big money in that, and the kids love money.

[Assy shoots one of the horses]

Sanchez:
Damn it, Assy! What'd you do that for?

Assy McGee:
I know how much your kids like glue.

[Sanchez and DiLorenzo sees Assy's body cut off from his legs at a game place]

DiLorenzo:
HOLY FREAKIN' GOD! SANCHEZ, YOU'D FREAKIN' CHECK THIS OUT! WE'RE GONNA NEED A WHOLE FREAKIN' ROLL OF QUARTERS OVER HERE! Holy freakin' crap -- They got a freakin' Game Boy in there!

Assy McGee:
[weakly] Sanchez...why...did you take the money? You of all...people. Sanchez. I trusted you.

Sanchez:
What money, Assy? What -- What are you talkin' about?

Assy McGee:
[weakly] The horses, the paddock, THE DIRTY --

Sanchez:
Oh, that's not -- That's not dirty money, Assy. It's not dirty money. Brenda inherited it from an uncle who died in an explosion in BOGOTa. He was a scientist, Assy. He worked in a laboratory.

Assy McGee:
[weakly] Uh-huh. Wow. I wish I had a rich uncle that worked in the drug trade.

Mayor:
And that is why I can safely say that these charges of police corruption are unfounded, unbounded, and not grounded.

Court Judge:
Thank you, Mr. Mayor, for your loud, rhyming words. And if there's nothing else, we can probably wrap this up. Lunch on me at Bugaboo.

Sanchez:
You know, I'm really honored that you invited me to go duck hunting. This kind of thing's kind of new to me.

Assy McGee:
I love killing birds.

Sanchez:
Yeah, I'm gonna learn to love it too, but...hey, what are you doing there?

Assy McGee:
Sip of duck piss before every hunt brings good fortune.

Sanchez:
Really? [sips] This tastes like asparagus.

Assy McGee:
It's not really duck piss. It's my piss.

Sanchez:
[gags, spits]

[Sanchez sees a squirrel hanging on a rope]

Sanchez:
Wow, this squirrel had a bad day.

Assy McGee:
SQUIRREL!

Sanchez:
Assy, come back! What's your problem? Come back. Assy!

Assy McGee:
I don't like -- I hate squirrels! OH, GOD! SQUIRRELS!

Sanchez:
I can't believe you're afraid of squirrels. That's hilarious. They're so cute and fuzzy.

Assy McGee:
Diseases with tails.

Sanchez:
Agree to disagree, and that said, they're still God's creatures, you know?

Assy McGee:
But something ain't right. Why would someone hang a squirrel in the woods?

Sanchez:
I have no idea. I mean, that's a real sicko. I'm happy to investigate, but you think Chief will sign off?

Assy McGee:
Run it up the flagpole, see if he salutes.

Sanchez:
What's that supposed to mean?

Assy McGee:
Sing him the National Anthem, see [mumbles]

Sanchez:
Okay, but I really don't understand what you're trying to say there. Squirrel.

[Assy shoots a squirrel]

Chief:
[on phone] Yeah, just rub some tomato paste on her cans. Sprouts the nips, and, better yet, stinks like sicily.

Chief:
Wait a minute -- You're telling me you two skin flutes went duck hunting without me?

Assy McGee:
I e-mailed you last week.

Chief:
That is a bowl of stale bull--

Sanchez:
No, no, no. He did, Chief. Yeah, he even, uh, CC'd me on it.

Assy McGee:
Maybe it's in your spam folder. I'll go into my sent mail and print a copy on it.

Chief:
Forget it. Forget about this dead-squirrel business! Probably just some punk kids playing around!

Sanchez:
But, Chief --

Chief:
We don't have the resources! You two mud stains want to look into this, you do it on your own time, on your own dime!

Sanchez:
Say it, don't spray it. [laughing] I want the news, not the weather, right, Assy?

Chief:
[pulls a knife blade on him] You care to repeat that, Sanchez?

Sanchez:
No.

Chief:
Get the hell out of my office!

Sanchez:
Assy, let's go.

Dog Owner:
Hi, how may I help you?

Sanchez:
Do you sell pet squirrels? I'm sorry, we're all sold out. Perhaps you'd like to look at a gerbil or a hamster or--

[Assy closes the window on the Dog Owner]

Assy McGee:
He said, "Squirrel." pervert.

Dog Owner:
Sold the last three yesterday.

Sanchez:
To whom?

Dog Owner:
I don't know his name. Same guy orders a bunch every month.

[Assy closes the window on the Dog Owner again]

Sanchez:
Do it again, Assy.

Dog Owner:
OW!

Assy McGee:
What's he look like?

Dog Owner:
I don't know. We deliver them, so I never see him.

[Assy shoots one of the Dog Owner's legs]

Assy McGee:
[to Dog Owner] What's his address look like?

[Assy and Sanchez find the bad guy's apartment]

Sanchez:
Open up! C'mon! C'mon! Let's go.

Assy McGee:
You sound like my dentist.

Assy McGee:
What the hell is all this?

Sanchez:
Treadmill. Psycho makes 'em run miles, stay in fighting shape. Rape stand. Forced breeding. Male squirrel goes to town on a clamped-down female.

Assy McGee:
Genius.

Sanchez:
And if he doesn't perform, he ends up electrocuted in one of these.

Assy McGee:
Perform in what?

Sanchez:
U.S.F. Underground Squirrel Fighting.

Assy McGee:
[gags]

Sanchez:
Assy! They're just squirrels, and most of them are dead.

Waitress:
You boys ready, or you need a few?

Sanchez:
Yeah, maybe just a few more --

Assy McGee:
Three eggs, runny, bacon, sausage, home fries --- Burnt. Not hashbrowns. Home fries. Give me hashbrowns, and I'll kill you. Coffee -- Black. Two bloody marys -- Three bloody marys.

Waitress:
That all?

Assy McGee:
Raisin bagel.

Waitress:
Plain and onion, sweetie.

Assy McGee:
Raisin bagel!

Waitress:
Baby, I told you, we don't have any.

[Assy then wrecks a havoc]

Assy McGee:
Meet me in my place in an hour, Sanchez.

Sanchez:
Where you going? We just ordered.

Assy McGee:
Don't like the skirt's attitude.

Ling:
That great plan, Assy. I feel bad all them little squirrel little cute and dead. It no good. Little --

Assy McGee:
Zip it, Ling. You're murdering more english than the I.R.A.

[Sanchez came by to Chief's house seeing him ripped]

Chief:
What the hell are you doing here?

Sanchez:
Huh? Ho! [chuckles nervously] Oh, uh, I'm sorry to bother you, Chief. Uh...

Chief:
I was just finishing improving my upper body.

Sanchez:
Whoa. Uh, Assy said you might be able to --

Chief:
Monday's back and bis. Wednesday's chest and tris. Friday's legs and thighs.

Sanchez:
Oh, okay. Um, Assy said you might be able to lend me a stuffed squirrel.

Chief:
Did he, now? Why in heaven I ever told you that son of a b*tch about my taxidermy obsession I'll never know. Should call me "Chief Blabbermouth". But don't ever call me that. Come on, get your big Mexican balls in here. Shoes!

Assy McGee:
[on phone] How about "A pet squirrel for sale"?

Exeter Herald:
Again, anything up to 10 words is a $12 minimum.

Assy McGee:
[farts]

Exeter Herald:
Excuse me?

Assy McGee:
I said, if we lose 'Pet' and make it just 'Squirrel for sale', how much?

Exeter Herald:
$12.

Assy McGee:
Did you count 'Just'?

Exeter Herald:
No.

Assy McGee:
'Cause I said 'Just squirrel for sale'.

Exeter Herald:
No.

Assy McGee:
Then lose 'For'.

Exeter Herald:
"Squirrel sale"?

Assy McGee:
Right.

Exeter Herald:
$12.

Assy McGee:
Lose 'Sale' and print it.

[Assy ends the call while being shock by jump starters at the spa]

Assy McGee:
Drop that, Ling. Daddy wants two hands on the wheel.

Chief:
Jumped out of helicopters naked, kayaked the amazon in the buff, and climbed Mt. Washington in my birthday suit, but nothing -- And I mean nothing, Sanchez -- Compares to the thrill and excitement of staring at stuffed-and-mounted dead animals. I mean, look at that raccoon's face. Can't buy that.

Sanchez:
That's great, Chief. So...the squirrel?

Chief:
Yeah -- Squirrels, right. Let's get you out of here.

Sanchez:
Hey, Chief, is this you with President Ford?

Chief:
YEAH. THAT'S ME.

[Assy uses an audiobook for his headphones on how to release anger]

Audiobook Voice:
AudioBooks presents "Welcome to Face Your Fear". The first thing you must realize is 'Fear' is based in anger. Therefore, in order to begin, we must release out anger.

[Sanchez knocks on door]

Assy McGee:
[fires shotgun] Who is it?

Sanchez:
Damn it, Assy! If I wasn't tying my sneakers, I'd be dead right now.

[Assy's cellphone rings]

Assy McGee:
Remember this moment, Sanchez.

Sanchez:
The phone ringing? Why?

Assy McGee:
Because this is when the hunted...becomes the hunter.

Assy McGee:
Whos' the king?

Sanchez:
You're the k--

Assy McGee:
[grabs his TV] WHO'S THE KING?!

Sanchez:
YOU'RE THE KING!

Assy McGee:
[throw the TV] C'mon, let's kill some a**holes.

Assy McGee:
Hello, squirrel killers. Question for you -- Why do squirrels swim on their back?

Squirrel Killers:
[no response]

Assy McGee:
TO KEEP THEIR NUTS DRY!

Redneck:
[laughs] That's pretty f--

[all the squirrel killers get brutally murdered by Assy's big minigun recently]

Sanchez:
I didn't get it.

Assy McGee:
DOUBLE ENTENDRE!

[Assy throws a molotov onto the barn house]

Sanchez:
Lot of collateral damage here, Assy. What are we gonna tell the Chief?

Assy McGee:
We'll tell him 64 sick-bastard squirrel fighters committed mass suicide for reasons of guilt.

Sanchez:
What a shame.

Assy McGee:
You comin'?

Sanchez:
I'll catch up with you tomorrow, buddy. I want to make sure that we're good here.

[Sanchez dead-eyed watching the barn house burn to pieces for what the bad guys did to the squirrels]

Assy McGee:
Weird is what he is.