Death Battle

[repeated line]

Boomstick:
He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick.

Wizard:
And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a death battle.

Wizard:
Defending the weak from powerful agents of evil demands a champion who has achieved the peak of human capability, all in the name of justice. And sometimes vengeance.

Boomstick:
Batman, the Dark Knight...

Wizard:
And Captain America, the Sentinel of Liberty.

Wizard:
The Dark Knight is a master of the shadows, using intimidation as a weapon, he patrols the streets of Gotham.

Boomstick:
You know you're doin' something right when people are terrified at JUST your shadow.

Wizard:
After his parents were murdered by the common thug, Bruce Wayne dedicated his life to fighting criminal underworld. He achieved 12 master degrees, studied 127 martial arts, and perfected escape artistry. Given enough time, he can escaped any conceivable trap.

Boomstick:
Batman pushed himself to the limits of the human body: He can bench press 1,000 pounds and has great aim and reflexes.

Wizard:
The Batsuit was designed to be the ultimate flexible, combat armor.

Boomstick:
While the pointy ears are a bit much for me, the armor can stop knives and gunfire.

Wizard:
His memory cloth cape can be used as a glider and the entire suit is lined with a 200,000 volt electro network.

Boomstick:
I guess when you're a billionaire, you can afford to turn yourself in a freakin' human taser.

Wizard:
The gadgets from Wayne's never ending funds don't stop there! His utility belt carries DOZENS of different tools that can practically get him out of any situation.

Boomstick:
That belt has pretty much EVERYTHING. Grappling hooks, explosives, beer. Maybe not that last one, but mine would.

Wizard:
Notable gadgets include a gasmask, tear gas, smoke pellets, a Kryptonite ring, remote detonated plastic explosives, and his trademark grapple gun. He also carries a large supply of collapsible shurikens:

Boomstick:
The batarangs! And if throwing razor sharp objects at people isn't enough, he's got several types! Like, the electric shock, knock out dart, and grenade.

Wizard:
Despite having the build of an Olympic athlete, the caped crusader's greatest feat are attributed to his detective skills. He can anticipate attacks through muscle movement and can memorize the smallest detail, even the shape a cheek he's punched. And while Batman is only human, his achievement stand among gods.

Boomstick:
He's a founding member of the team of superheroes known as the Justice League. And he's even fought Superman!

Wizard:
But while Wayne has no exploitable weaknesses, he is not perfect. His mental stability has often been called into question.

Boomstick:
Well, let's see. His parents were killed in front of him as a child, he uses his money to beat the sh*t out of people dressed as a giant bat, and keeps employing 12 year old sidekicks. Yeah, he's clearly not all there.

Wizard:
But he IS a survivor. He endured being broken in half, fighting the other members of the Justice League, complete disintegration, and being stranded in the past as a living time bomb of galactic destruction.

Boomstick:
Wait, WHAT?

Wizard:
Yet he somehow pulled through every time.

Boomstick:
Why? 'Cause he's the goddamn BATMAN!

Wizard:
The friendly neighborhood Spider-Man protects the streets of New York City.

Boomstick:
Once Peter Parker was a wimpy nerd with no friends. Then he was bit by a radioactive spider that gave him weird bug powers, and now he's a radioactive superhero... with no friends. But after some practice and superheroing, he finally got himself laid. [pictures of Peter's numerous girlfriends appear] A lot, actually.

Wizard:
A clever photographer and science major, Spider-Man is not only incredibly powerful, but also a genius in strategy and science. Using these skills, he created two wrist-mounted webshooters which let him swing around the city.

Boomstick:
You know, if he was SO smart, wouldn't he make the webs shoot out of his butt like a real spider?

Wizard:
NO, NO. First of all, it doesn't come out of their butt, it comes out of their...

Boomstick:
[singing] Spider-Man! Spider-Man! Craps some webs like a spider can!

Wizard:
Each web shooter cartridge can hold a large amount of pressurized web fluid...

Boomstick:
AND SO CAN HIS GIRLFRIENDS! Ha ha! I'll be here all week.

Wizard:
And features a rotating carousel to replace the empty ones.

Boomstick:
His spider powers give him superhuman strength, speed, agility and durability. He can run up to 200 MPH, lift over 10 tons, and take a freakin' grenade to the FACE!

Wizard:
He can also knock out a dinosaur out cold with a single punch.

Boomstick:
Ha ha, suck it, Denver!

Wizard:
Also, by altering his body's electron attractions, Spider-Man can crawl along any surface. But his most advantageous power is the Spider-Sense.

Boomstick:
It acts kinda like a warning signal, like caller ID when your ex-wife's calling for alimony.

Wizard:
Actually, the Spider-Sense is much more than a simple alarm. It gives Peter omnipresent detection to his surroundings. This is why he swings around New York without looking where he shoots his webs. And unlike his human senses, it is not affected by gases or toxins unless specifically tailored to the Spider-Sense itself. However, it's up to Spider-Man to recognize and react to his warning, so it can be tricked if he doesn't think he's in danger.

Boomstick:
Still, combined with his speed, Spider-Man is almost untouchable. He can even dodge automatic fire.

Wizard:
His unique martial art, the Way of the Spider, utilizes the Spider-Sense to its fullest. Spider-Man can go toe-to-toe with the most advanced masters of combat, even while blindfolded.

Boomstick:
No wonder other superheroes don't like this guy. I mean, the freaking Spider-Sense does everything for him!

Wizard:
Speaking of which, somehow, Spider-Man once tried to join the Justice League, but was rejected by Batman.

Boomstick:
Ouch. I bet he wishes he can fight old Bats in a battle to the death - OH-HO, WAIT!

Wizard:
For all of his amazing powers, Spider-Man is not invincible. His bright and colorful costume makes stealth difficult, his durability has limits, and the oddly specific ethyl chloride pesticide is his Kryptonite. Also, any enemy with his speed comparable to his can outmatch his Spider-Sense.

Boomstick:
Still, if those are only his limitations, how come he sometimes gets shot by a stray bullet?

Wizard:
Lazy, lazy writing.

Wizard:
The bounty hunter: galactic pirates of living beings.

Boomstick:
They blow sh*t up for cash.

Wizard:
A prime example is Boba Fett, the most feared bounty hunter in the galaxy.

Boomstick:
But don't forget Samus Aran. She's so badass, whole planets explode when she's done with them. BOOM!

Wizard:
Boba Fett is well known for his cunning, ruthlessness, and brute force. But his killer instinct relies on his diverse arsenal of death.

Boomstick:
Plus, he wears the most badass spacesuit ever.

Wizard:
That's no ordinary spacesuit, Boomstick; that's Fett's Mandalorian Armor, forged from nearly indestructible duraplast, containing a micro-energy field for dispersing impacts.

Boomstick:
This guy can have a freaking bomb blow up in his face and still walk away.

Wizard:
His gauntlets house a flamethrower with a reach of 5 meters, a fibercord whip, and numerous concussion and stun missiles. His weapon of choice is his EE-3 Carbine Rifle, an extremely accurate and powerful weapon which Fett often cradles like a child.

Boomstick:
Yeah... I do that with my guns, too.

Wizard:
That's not weird at all, Boomstick. Fill us in on Fett's heavy weaponry.

Boomstick:
Well, everybody and their grandmother knows that Fett can zoom around on his badass jetpack, but that jetpack also has a single anti-vehicle homing rocket, and believe me, you don't want to see this thing heading your way.

Wizard:
That's right, Boomstick. In short, Fett is a human Swiss army knife. He's killed hundreds of criminals, politicians and Jedi. He's even held his own against Darth Vader... twice!

Boomstick:
Holy sh*t, that is hardcore!

Wizard:
He became leader of the Mandalorian mercenaries after the Galactic Civil War, and battled Mace Windu to a draw when he was 12 years old.

Boomstick:
Sam Jackson's got nothing on him.

Wizard:
But, with all his awesomeness, every so often Fett will totally blow it. He's fallen into the Sarlacc three times. Three! And the Sarlacc's not exactly running around, looking for snacks.

Boomstick:
Three times? How do you even do that once? It's a giant hole in the ground with teeth, and he's got a jet pack!

Wizard:
Still, even with his ridiculous flaws, Boba Fett is a whole new meaning of deadly.

Wizard:
Samus Aran was infused with bird-like Chozo DNA at a young age, increasing her strength, speed, and athletic ability far beyond those of a normal human being.

Boomstick:
How do they do that? I want me some bird DNA!

Wizard:
She wears the Power Suit, typically in Varia form, shielding her entire body without restricting any movement or flexibility.

Boomstick:
Too bad it makes her look like a dude...

Wizard:
Her primary weapon, the Arm Cannon, has acquired numerous awesome upgrades over the years. Though, the basic Power Beam is a pea shooter with a pathetic range.

Boomstick:
But when its's fully charged, it'll blow your face off. BAM!

Wizard:
The Arm Cannon can also use an Ice Beam, a Grapple Beam, and a plethora of seeking and super missles. Samus controls the skies with the powerful and speedy Screw Attack, and if there's trouble on the battlefield, she can curl up into Morph Ball mode and slip away unnoticed.

Boomstick:
What the...? How does she do that?

Wizard:
Bird DNA, Boomstick. Bird DNA.

Boomstick:
Samus also has freakin' huge supply of Power Bombs, which will destroy anything on the screen in seconds. Nothing survives!

Wizard:
She is known to be the bounty hunter capable of taking on impossible missions, fighting massive beasts and even wiping out an entire species. However, she often makes mistakes. Somehow, she always seems to lose all her power ups and upgrades at the beginning of every mission.

Boomstick:
Man, someone get this chick a purse.

Boomstick:
Bomberman is a psychopathic cyborg slave forced to duel other slaves to the death in dimly-lit maze-like arenas for the entertainment of alien ter...

Wizard:
No, not that Bomberman, Boomstick, *White* Bomber the Bomberman, an alien robot warrior from the planet Bomber who belongs to an intergalactic police force protecting the galaxy.

Boomstick:
Oh. Well, his method of saving those planets is blowing the sh*t out of them, so he's all right with me.

Wizard:
Right, Bomberman cares little for the environment he is supposedly protecting, making him an unpredictable opponent.

Wizard:
[about Dig Dug] His real name is Taizo Hori, which literally means "I Want To Dig". He is also the father of the more recent phenomenon Mr. Driller.

Boomstick:
[about Dig Dug] His main weapon is one of the most cruel and deadly weapons I've ever seen. It's pretty much a cross between a bike pump and a harpoon.

Wizard:
An odd weapon, which I would normally question the efficiency of.

Boomstick:
But when he stabs you with it, you're gonna wish you die any other way than what Mr. Dig Dug has planned for you.

Wizard:
The average human body can only take around fifteen pounds per square inch of air pressure before death is assured. Every time Dig Dug pumps, over ten PSI is injected into his victim, quickly immobilizing them. Two or three pumps later, Dig Dug's target combusts.

Boomstick:
That is one horrible way to die. Imagine after being impaled, you're then slowly filled with air until you explode. Oh man, this guy is sick.

Boomstick:
Bomberman's answer to every problem is explosions! Got a locked door? Blow it up. Behind on taxes? Blow them up. Have a naggy wife? Blow her ass up, too. His arsenal consists of bombs, bombs and more bombs, which usually take about two or three seconds to detonate. And while the explosions start off small, they can be upgraded to destroy an entire acre all at once. Plus, he can charge a bomb up to over four times its size for maximum destruction.

Wizard:
Dig Dug also has a jackhammer, which he uses to burrow through the earth at an unimaginable speed. He has total control over his terrain and can maneuver through the ground just as easily as walking through an empty field, climbing and crawling without slowing down.

Boomstick:
That jackhammer can even force entire islands to split apart. But the strangest thing is the sound it makes. You'd think a jackhammer would sound like this... [shows a clip of a jackhammer being operated, making jackhammer sounds as it does so]... but Dig Dug's sounds like this. [plays the Dig Dug walking sound]

Wizard:
Actually, Boomstick, that sound seems to occur each time he takes a step, not just when he's drilling.

Boomstick:
So... what, it's his feet? Man, that would get really annoying. No wonder this guy is a psycho.

Wizard:
While blasting his way through planet after planet, Bomberman finds numerous power-ups buried beneath the earth. Bomb Up gives him extra bombs, Accelerator increases his running speed, Armor gives him temporary immunity, the Explosion Expander gives his bombs a power boost, and Bomb Kick and Power Glove let him kick and throw bombs at his own leisure.

Boomstick:
And when he picks up Super Bombs, you know he means business. I'm talkin' T2: Judgement Day business.

Wizard:
Guardians of treasure, champions of justice...

Boomstick:
And proof that if you've got enough brute strength, you don't need to be smart to kick some serious ass.

Wizard:
Donkey Kong, defender of the world's largest banana horde.

Boomstick:
And Knuckles the Echidna, guardian of the all-powerful Master Emerald.

Wizard:
Now this is the law of the jungle, as old and as true as the sky; the ones that shall keep it may prosper...

Boomstick:
But the ones who touch Donkey Kong's banana horde must die! See? I know literature. Well, the parts about killing, anyway.

Wizard:
Four thousand years ago, the echidna race thrived due to their advanced technology and talent for warfare.

Boomstick:
Now that's what I call a pet! I know what I'm picking up at the pet store on the way home!

Wizard:
Just a heads up, the males have four heads on their penises.

Boomstick:
What...? Awesome!

Wizard:
Long ago, an illegal pet gorilla famously did battle with his abusive owner atop a construction site.

Boomstick:
The ape's name was Donkey Kong, and the conflict didn't go so well for him.

Wizard:
After escaping, he fled to a remote island with his son, also named Donkey Kong. His son would later bear a child destined to rule the island. This powerful ape was named... you guessed it, Donkey Kong.

Wizard:
Desperate for the power to command the world, the Knuckles tribe staged a raid to obtain the legendary power of the Master Emerald.

Boomstick:
What they didn't know is that it was protected by a giant, murderous water dragon with tentacles named Chaos, and it just killed the sh*t out of them.

Wizard:
Miraculously, a young echidna girl survived and managed to seal Chaos inside the Master Emerald. The resulting energy output ripped the echidnas' home into the sky to become Angel Island, perpetually floating so long as the emerald remained in its shrine. Sonic lore, everybody...

Boomstick:
Centuries later, one final descendant of the Knuckles clan remained and his name was... Knuckles. So, not the most creative parenting in the world, but hey.

Boomstick:
Being a gorilla, Donkey Kong naturally LOVES bananas.

Wizard:
No, no, no. Real gorillas primarily eat plants, like stems and bamboo shoots, and sometimes termites to fight diarrhea.

Boomstick:
Too much info, Wiz. Well, this gorilla loves bananas so much that he's hoarded hundreds for himself. And if someone tries to take away any of his delicious golden treasures, may God help them.

Wizard:
And yet, his enemies have been bold enough to steal his entire stockpile several times, right out from under his nose. That's what happens when you hog every banana on the island to yourself. Just basic supply and demand.

Boomstick:
Knuckles is the lone guardian of the Master Emerald, dedicating his entire life to protecting the family jewel. Ha! But he spends most of his days sleeping and doing nothing, because really, who's gonna fly up all the way up to a tiny, floating island to steal a rock?

Wizard:
Why, the nefarious Dr. Eggman, of course. As a ploy, Eggman convinced Knuckles that a certain blue hedgehog and a fox with two tails planned to steal the Master Emerald. Knuckles left to stop the thieves, and Eggman swiped the gem for himself.

Boomstick:
Not the sharpest head on the dick, is he?

Wizard:
Without its energy source, Angel Island plummeted out of the sky, until Sonic the Hedgehog literally beat the sense into Knuckles, and together, they saved the day, forming a tense bromance.

Boomstick:
Donkey Kong weighs 800 pounds and stands about eight feet tall. That's almost twice as big as a normal gorilla. He spends his afternoons as if he were a Florida native, by finding ways to kill crocodiles, such as crushing 'em with his sheer weight, chucking barrels at 'em like his old man, or just straight up punching 'em to death.

Wizard:
The strength this ape wields is so tremendous, his very palms can shake the earth. And his trademark Giant Punch can send his victims flying beyond the horizon.

Boomstick:
But just because he's strong, doesn't mean he's slow. He can unleash a flurry of blows so fast, he ignites the hydrogen in the air, creating explosions!

Wizard:
This is similar to a meteor catching fire while falling through the atmosphere... at 25,000 miles per hour.

Boomstick:
I'm telling you, Wiz, it's only a matter of time before the apes take over.

Boomstick:
[after talking about Knuckles retrieving the Master Emerald from Dr. Eggman] Since then, Knucks has continued to try to guard the emerald. However, most people who try to steal it, do. But luckily for ol' rad red, he can track the Master Emerald using his treasure hunting skills.

Wizard:
And his special bond with the gem, which allows him to detect its presence and harness some of its power, which he can focus through the ancient martial art passed down through the Knuckles clan.

Boomstick:
The ancient art of "punch the crap out of everything"! No, really, that's the answer to every single problem Knuckles has. Something in the way? Punch it! Need to climb a cliff? Punch it! Falling down a trap? Punch it! Punching not working for some reason? You f**king know he punches it more!

Wizard:
Speaking of which, Knuckles can throw punches so extreme, they create explosions by igniting hydrogen in the air.

Boomstick:
Sound familiar?

Wizard:
While common gorillas have impressed the scientific community by using basic tools, Donkey Kong is a little beyond that.

Boomstick:
Yeah! He's got a shotgun! Like, I know it looks like he's just carrying around a log, but no, seriously, it's a boomstick that Funky Kong somehow made out of a tree, that fires concussive homing coconuts!

Wizard:
It can fire in spurts and if he shoots ya, it's gonna hurt. At least, that's what the DK Rap tells us, but what it doesn't tell us is that the series of grunts you hear from the Kongs is actually them speaking their own language.

Boomstick:
Really? I wonder what he's saying... [clips of the Donkey Kong Country show are shown, with Donkey Kong saying, "Banana Slamma!"]

Wizard:
Mostly just that. Sometimes he sings, too.

Boomstick:
What the hell? Okay, I know I watched some of this show, but I do not remember there being any musical numbers, like, at all!

Wizard:
Oh, there were two in every episode, forty episodes in all. Your brain likely shut down watching to protect your fragile consciousness.

Boomstick:
Good one, brain. I owe you a beer.

Wizard:
Knuckles is fast, capable of running at least 100 miles per hour. He can also take to the sky and glide, reportedly by trapping air underneath his dreadlocks, although there's no logical way those locks are aerodynamic enough to keep him airborne.

Boomstick:
Hey, it's better than a tanooki flying with its nutsack. Then again, he could just be twirling his di...

Wizard:
[interrupting] And with the spikes on his fists, Knuckles can effortlessly dig through dirt and rock. Add on his attachable Shovel Claws and he can even tunnel through solid metal.

Boomstick:
With arms that stringy, it makes you wonder where all this strength comes from.

Wizard:
Well, his connection with the Master Emerald is responsible for much of his more absurd attributes, like gliding and punching explosions.

Wizard:
Donkey Kong has done some ridiculous things. With a clap of his hands, he can create a shockwave strong enough to shatter meteors. Also, I exaggerate nothing when I say he ate an entire plantation of bananas in a single afternoon.

Boomstick:
He's agile enough to dodge arrows on a narrow ledge, and tough enough to survive point blank explosions, multiple times!

Wizard:
But most impressively, after surviving an explosion that launched him into orbit, he used a fully charged Giant Punch to send a moon careening into the planet.

Boomstick:
Knucks can shatter boulders, dodge machine guns, ride atop flying jets and missiles like skateboards, oh, and he can breathe in space.

Wizard:
He's matched and even trumped Sonic in battle, runs fast enough to cut holes in the ground, is strong enough to uproot massive trees...

Boomstick:
Hell, he's strong enough to throw this! [shows Knuckles throwing a Mongroun]

Wizard:
With a single punch, he can trigger a volcanic eruption. Doing so requires displacing pressure in a volcano's magma chamber. At minimum, this can sit around 3,280 feet or one kilometer below the Earth's surface. Knuckles had to have punched the ground with at least 3.9 megatons of force, over three times more powerful then the highest yield bomb in the U.S. nuclear stockpile.

Boomstick:
That's cute. How about the time he punched the moon? One day, Eggman blew up half the moon, and rebuilt it into a robot moon, because... well, he gets off on that sh*t.

Wizard:
Via remote control, Eggman actually changed the moon's orbit to create a never ending eclipse.

Boomstick:
But never fear, Knuckles just dove out into outer space and punched the remote control into dust, causing an explosion visible from Earth.

Wizard:
And returning the moon to its normal orbit.

Boomstick:
[about Donkey Kong] He apparently expands his power by using both his bananas and... his body hair, like a monkey Burt Reynolds. If he gets a haircut, though, he loses his power and looks really weird.

Wizard:
Wow... I... Wow. Well, perhaps DK's cranial deformity is linked to his greatest weakness. You see, Donkey Kong is kind of an idiot.

Boomstick:
We're talking about an ape who didn't realize he was following his own treasure map, until after he found the bananas it led to.

Wizard:
Or, while suffering from amnesia, a pirate crocodile was able to convince him that he was a crocodile, through song and dance. Donkey Kong joined in, singing about physical features he clearly does not possess.

Boomstick:
He's also just as lazy as he is stupid. One time, he and Diddy were making a killing selling frozen coconuts and could've had all the bananas they ever wanted, but the simple task of just cracking coconuts open all day was too strenuous for the big ape, so he sold the business for a couple measly bananas.

Wizard:
Bananas are the only motivator that seem to work on DK, but they're also the only one he needs to bring out the big guns.

Boomstick:
If something separates him from his precious fruit stockpile, someone is going to die!

Boomstick:
[about Knuckles' powers] Having these abilities isn't enough to let him win every time, especially when his biggest obstacle is his own brain.

Wizard:
Knuckles is illiterate, doesn't know left from right, and one time, didn't realize until too late that he was eating a napkin.

Boomstick:
Hey, give credit where it's due, Wiz. When he did figure it out, he stuck to his guns and finished every bite of that damn napkin. It's dinner and clean up at the same time!

Wizard:
He hardly ever strategizes before combat, preferring to run in swinging.

Boomstick:
Hey, whatever works.

Wizard:
It doesn't. Well, not all the time. And despite being mortal enemies, Dr. Eggman has duped Knuckles into allying with him on multiple occasions. It's happened so often by now, you have to wonder who's side he's really on.

Boomstick:
Hey, his fists can blow the top off a volcano, so why waste precious time on things like reasoning?

[Donkey Kong had completely vanquished Knuckles]

Wizard:
Knuckles may have had the edge in speed and agility, but his stubborn strategy of rushing in only played into Donkey Kong's favor by keeping close and in range.

Boomstick:
Both were tough enough to survive atmospheric reentry and the vacuum of space, but only Donkey Kong has also survived an explosion strong enough to launch him into orbit in the first place.

Wizard:
Knuckles and DK may have punched moons, but both feats are not precisely what they seem. The moon Donkey Kong punched belongs to the Mario universe, and is clearly smaller than our own moon. By comparing the size to that of Donkey Kong Island, we found this moon is approximately 2,775 feet in diameter and weighs 9.9 quadrillion tons. Knocking it out of orbit means DK punched it with a strike of over 3,000 megatons of force.

Boomstick:
So, not quite as impressive as punching our real moon, but hey, still way better than what Knuckles can do. Knuckles only destroyed a receiver controlling the moon's flight path.

Wizard:
And although the moon's orbit changed afterwards, it's unreasonable to say Knuckles is responsible. He has no other feats supporting this outlier, and the moon was previously established to move itself due to being... part robot now. Sonic lore.

Boomstick:
Knuckles' speed wasn't enough when DK was just that much stronger and tough enough to take anything thrown at him. DK just wasn't echidna-ing around.

Wizard:
The winner is Donkey Kong.

Wizard:
Dr. Eggman is the obese, yet strangely athletic, evil mastermind responsible for terrorizing the world of Sonic the Hedgehog, in his quest to rule a global empire. His engineering mastery has led to a massive army of unique robot warriors using the strangest fuel source, kidnapped animals.

Boomstick:
He's PETA's worst nightmare!

Wizard:
His army is based around speed and defense, including Moto Bugs, Caterkillers, Buzz Bombers, Egg Pawns and SWATbots.

Boomstick:
But Eggman's got way more than that! His Egg Fleet is a huge armada of battleships, led by the massive Egg Carrier, which supports a huge front mounted laser cannon.

Wizard:
The Eggman army is spearheaded by his deadliest robot warriors, the Badniks. The EggRobo is a smartbot crafted in Eggman's own image and designed to carry out tasks Eggman himself would normally do.

Boomstick:
What's this guy's deal with eggs?

Wizard:
On its own, Silver Sonic appears slow and bulky but it is powered by a Chaos Emerald, making it a much faster and more practical machine.

Boomstick:
Then he made another robo-hog, Mecha Sonic, who focuses on firepower over speed!

Wizard:
Mecha Sonic can even absorb Chaos energy to attain a short lived super form.

Boomstick:
But Eggman wanted more than just Sonic bots. Mecha Knuckles can glide and vomit giant rockets...

Wizard:
And E-101 Beta remains one of Eggman's most versatile machines.

Boomstick:
He's a flying robot with super speed, teleportation and a reflector shield! He shoots homing missiles and kamehamehas and has one of my favorite defensive abilities ever, the backhand!

Wizard:
The Shadow Androids are fast and durable and typically fight in groups of three. However, their design is so complex, they sometimes glitch in close combat. And speaking of glitches, despite being an absolute genius, Dr. Eggman appears to suffer from a peculiar personality disorder that sent him through several different "phases".

Boomstick:
Let's just hope that Scratch and Grounder phase doesn't show up today.

Wizard:
But none of Eggman's creations have ever been as deadly or as successful as his ultimate killing machine...

Boomstick:
Hyper Metal Sonic!

Wizard:
Metal Sonic was specifically designed to be better than Sonic the Hedgehog in every way and was a complete success. Metal can move much faster than Sonic, easily reaching near mach 5 speeds. Metal's abilities include Sonic's spindash and homing attack, along with the impenetrable Black Shield.

Boomstick:
He's also got a chest laser, rocket powered flight and the maximum overdrive attack, where he overloads his circuits to create a glowing energy field that'll burn through pretty much anything!

Wizard:
And that's not all. Somehow, Eggman managed to make Metal Sonic an ever evolving force. Metal has the uncanny ability to scan and copy data from others, flawlessly replicating their abilities.

Boomstick:
Damn, Eggman sure stepped up his game!

Wizard:
Absorbing enough power can transform Metal into a number of more impressive forms, all of which increase his abilities immeasurably.

Boomstick:
The only downside to giving Metal Sonic a super brain is Eggman sometimes has trouble keeping him in line.

Wizard:
But even with his metallic minions waging his war, Dr. Eggman is perfectly willing to step into the battlefield himself. He pilots the Eggmobile, a fast single man pod with twin mounted machine guns. The Eggmobile's most vital function, however, is its universal compatibility to operate almost all of Eggman's machines.

Boomstick:
Like the humungous Death Egg Robot with its spiked rocket arms and lasers!

Wizard:
Eggman is vicious and clever. He's an expert at playing his opponents right into his hands. At the same time, though, he can be overly obsessive to the point of overlooking some important factors in an effort to concentrate on a single goal. But while this can be a perilous game for Eggman, it also makes him dangerously unpredictable.

Wizard:
After being continuously out-shined by his insensitive colleague, Dr. Light, Dr. Albert W. Wily turned to a life of crime in an attempt to achieve fame and power.

Boomstick:
How did he plan to get so famous, you ask? By taking over the world!

Wizard:
Whether through his own engineering or impressive hacking, over the years, Wily developed a large, diverse robot army built on the ideals of both solid defense and ranged firepower. Mets, Sniper Joes and Bladers make up the bulk...

Boomstick:
With Hotheads and Elephants, oh my!

Wizard:
Wily is a mastermind in more than just hardware. His Roboenza virus is a deadly disease for robots, making them unstable and violent with no regard for human life.

Boomstick:
But Wily's weirdest bot is definitely the Yellow Devil, a giant pulsating yellow blob thing that pulls itself apart and uses its own body as a weapon.

Wizard:
Wily's army is led by his Robot Masters. Guts Man was a civil engineering machine remade as a powerhouse who can lift over two tons.

Boomstick:
Metal Man was made specifically for killing things. You can tell 'cause he's got evil red eyes!

Wizard:
He wields ceramic titanium Metal Blades, one of the deadliest weapons in video game history, and is made of lightweight material, making him quick-footed.

Boomstick:
Slash Man is fast and agile and wields the Slash Claw, a portable alien blade that's designed to destroy asteroids!

Wizard:
Magnet Man is a tactical fighter who uses homing Magnet Missiles and the Magnet shield to outmaneuver enemies. And then there's Sheep Man. Originally designed to actually herd sheep, he was reprogrammed by Wily to turn into clouds, get bored easily and fall apart when hit by rubber baseballs.

Boomstick:
What the fu...

Wizard:
Napalm Man is a walking weapon.

Boomstick:
And a Robot Master after my own heart. He likes blowing sh*t up so much, that he built his own weapons museum, and then blew it up!

Wizard:
Pharaoh Man possesses a large arsenal of mysterious powers including fireballs, energy waves, teleportation, a magic shield and levitation.

Boomstick:
And he's also known for being a little punch-happy!

Wizard:
But Dr. Wily's ultimate Robot Master is none other than Bass, a direct imitation of his nemesis, Mega Man.

Boomstick:
He even has a robo-dog helper called Treble.

Wizard:
Bass is powered by Bassnium, an extremely potent and unique energy source.

Boomstick:
Bassnium? You just made that up.

Wizard:
I wish I did.

Boomstick:
Well, he wields the Bass Buster, an arm cannon that has both rapid fire and charge shot settings.

Wizard:
He is programmed to be able to copy any action he has seen. If he gets a hold of another's weapon, he can use it to the same effectiveness as the original owner.

Boomstick:
He can also fuse with Treble using the super adapter creating... Super Bass!

Wizard:
Bass is extremely powerful but fairly brash and arrogant. He seeks to prove he is the strongest robot warrior there is and will even disobey Dr. Wily's orders if he thinks they impede his goal. Though he will not kill his creator, he has occasionally attacked him.

Boomstick:
That's when Wily busts out his personal fighting vehicle!

Wizard:
The Wily Machine has gone through several variations...

Boomstick:
Even a dinosaur!

Wizard:
Though Wily's favorite appears to be machine #8.

Boomstick:
Good old 8 can fly, launch missiles and has a triple barrel laser cannon and a boomerang buzzsaw.

Wizard:
It also houses Wily's personal transportation, the Wily Capsule.

Boomstick:
Which makes the worst sound you've ever heard in your life! [shrill sound of the WIly Capsule] Make it stop! MAKE IT STOP!

Wizard:
Wily designs and commands his robots with long term strategy in mind and, as a result, often keeps his team as flexible as possible, though this means each robot has specific exploitable weaknesses. As a unit, Wily's team is prepared for anything!

Wizard:
As a cat-woman, Felicia faced discrimination all her life. She was raised by a nun and became a successful pop-star, a passion that would ultimately lead her on a quest to bring humans and cat-people together to make children happy.

Boomstick:
What the hell? I thought we were talking about a deadly demon warrior and... is she naked?

Wizard:
Yes.

Boomstick:
But, she's a cat.

Wizard:
Yes...

Boomstick:
Hmmm... do you think it'd be wrong to...

Wizard:
Yes! Felicia is a Darkstalker, a creature of the night, and naturally possesses supernatural strength, speed and agility. She can also use her unique cat senses to sniff out enemies from extreme distances.

Boomstick:
She can tear into her foes with the sharp claws restin' in her big-ass paws, each several inches long and capable of tearing through all kinds of armor.

Wizard:
To top it off her tail is extremely strong, able to lift her entire body on its own. She's undeniably one of the faster Darkstalkers, and can get around the battlefield with her unpredictable Rolling Smash, Delta Kicks and Rolling Buckler.

Boomstick:
[singing] Felicia, she can really move! Felicia, she's got an attitude!

Wizard:
Yes Boomstick, we get it, she's like Sonic. Anyway, as a Darkstalker, Felicia has a natural affinity for magic, able to use it in the form of her only ranged attack: kicking sand

Boomstick:
At least she's litter box trained.

Wizard:
As she was raised by a nun, even becoming one herself, she has little to no combat training, preferring to focus on her singing career and running an orphanage. As such, she relies on her lethal feral instincts in a fight.

Boomstick:
But these same instincts also lead her to be easily distracted by ferocious enemies like butterflies, rolling balls of yarn and paper that crinkles.

Wizard:
The other Darkstalkers consider Felicia to be one of the weakest of their kind, but with the help from her friends, she somehow manages to hold her own against demon lords, spell-casters and all-powerful aliens.

Boomstick:
That's one cat you don't want to cross.

Boomstick:
That chick wearing a cat hoodie?

Wizard:
No, that's a special cloak to fit her Kaka body.

Boomstick:
Her what body?

Wizard:
Taokaka is a vigilante of the Kaka tribe, a catlike people descended from genetically engineered living weapons. Her genetics, provide her with a natural fighting instinct. She is the guardian of the Kaka, implying that she is the best fighter of the group.

Boomstick:
While she may be a good fighter, she's one dumb cat.

Wizard:
Unfortunately, Tao has an incredibly severe case of ADHD. While she hunts bounties with the intent of improving her fighting skill and bringing money to her family, she often winds up completely forgetting about her mission at the worst of times, often even befriending her would-be targets.

Boomstick:
She has twelve retractable dual-edged blades on her hands and feet. While they're not very long, they can transform from basic claws to hook-size and saw-blades. Damn, I don't even want to think what those things would do to my couch.

Wizard:
Tao's genes allow her to instinctively access and utilize Seithr: a raw, powerful energy seething through the air. Tao can use Seithr to empower and transform her claws, as well as to execute incredibly vicious attacks. However, there is only so much Seithr in a given space, and once she runs out, Tao will lose many of her deadliest attributes.

Boomstick:
Also, apparently Tao likes to carry around a lot of random sh*t, which she then uses as projectiles during a fight: bowling balls, apple cores, pillo - a pillow? Really?

Wizard:
She's the fastest of the BlazBlue cast, darting around the arena with incredibly fast combos. However, she's also the weakest stamina-wise and doesn't have very many defensive options.

Boomstick:
But, if you want to kick her ass, you gotta catch her first!

Wizard:
Bucky also wears a very reliable jet-pack, which is fast enough to apparently outrace explosions. The velocity of a detonation can reach over 2,000 meters per second. This means, in zero-G, Bucky's jet-pack can reach speeds over Mach 5, which would turn any normal rabbit into mush.

Boomstick:
But not THIS funky fresh rabbit! And yes, that's a direct quote.

Wizard:
[about Fox] He is absolutely fearless, though he often relies on his brainier wing-mates to handle strategy and intel.

Boomstick:
'Cause when he comes up with a plan, he ends up falling into a black hole. Clever like a fox, my ass.

Boomstick:
Fox pilots an Arwing, a nimble star fighter with a lot of power. It has twin plasma lasers and can carry up to nine smart bombs, each of which can take out an entire squadron in just one shot. It also creates a reflector shield when Fox does a... well, you know...

Peppy Hare:
Do a barrel roll!

Wizard:
Actually, a barrel roll is when the plane spins in a helix path, as if wrapping around the outside of a barrel. Fox's trademark maneuver, in which he spins the fighter in place, is technically called an aileron roll.

Boomstick:
[mimicking Wolf O'Donnell] Kind of like you to do that, Wizard.

Wizard:
Do what?

Boomstick:
Ruin the joke.

Wizard:
Graduate of the esteemed Genus Academy and trained in combat by mysterious warrior, Damaron Jabok, Bucky O'Hare and his motley crew defend the Aniverse - yes, the Aniverse - from the evil toad empire, who are basically amphibian Nazis. If Hitler were Skynet...

Boomstick:
I bet you wanna watch the show now, huh?

Wizard:
In his youth, Fox was a pilot prodigy studying at the Cornerian flight academy. He was raised by his single father, James, who founded a team of mercenaries known throughout the universe as Star Fox.

Boomstick:
With Pigma, the ugliest pig you've ever seen, and Peppy, a rabbit older than the greeters at Walmart.

Wizard:
But it wasn't long before something went horribly wrong... The Lylat system had endured decades of peace, but rumblings of civil war stirred. The empire of planet Venom was rising with their new leader Andross...

Boomstick:
A giant, evil monkey with Rayman hands!

Wizard:
Fearful of triggering a civil war, the Cornerian republic secretly hired the Star Fox freelancers to investigate. But upon arrival, James was betrayed by Pigma, who was secretly in league the monkey mogul.

Boomstick:
Which is why pigs are for eating and nothing else.

Fox McCloud:
WHAT?

Wizard:
Outraged at the Cornerian government for refusing to respond, Fox McCloud abandoned the academy. Under Peppy's wing, he formed a new Star Fox team, alongside fellow drop-outs Falco Lombardi and Slippy Toad. The result was a squad like nothing seen before.

Wizard:
Gaara is the son of the Fourth Kazekage, leader of the village hidden in the sand. Born prematurely at the cost of his mother's life, Gaara was destined for a childhood of depression and loneliness from the get-go.

Boomstick:
Not even a minute old and already has a kill under his belt. Though, technically he had a little help. Because... You see... As he was being born, his father was like, "Hey, you know what would be awesome? Using ninja magic to seal a horrible monster in my son's belly to turn him into an ultimate weapon!"

Wizard:
The process was successful and Gaara became a jinchuriki: human beings who have powerful tailed beasts trapped within them. Gaara's beast was Shukaku, a giant tanuki with power over sand.

Boomstick:
Aww, I want a tanuki as a pet. They're so fluffy and adorable, you just wanna hug... [sees Shukaku] HOLY SH*T, WHAT IS THAT?

Wizard:
Shukaku loathed humanity, and at first, Gaara had difficulties controlling the monster's rage, accidentally hurting others. As such, he was shunned by his own people, forced to live a secluded life.

Boomstick:
Well, yeah, I mean, he's got a goddamn tummy monster. It's not like Pepto-Bismol's solving that.

Wizard:
Convinced his only option was to fight and care for only himself, Gaara became a ruthless killing machine.

Boomstick:
But it's not all bad. Having a digestive desert demon gives him control over all things sand.

Wizard:
As the only child of the wealthy Beifong family, Toph was kept a secret from the rest of the world. Hidden away, she was pampered and guarded like a fragile child. Her parents were hopeful she could someday become a noble respected member of Earth Kingdom society.

Boomstick:
But their hopes were pretty much dashed from the moment she popped out. See those faded whites? Yeah, Toph's completely blind.

[in the show, Lao Beifong worries that Toph's blindness will leave her helpless and fragile]

Boomstick:
Still, "fragile" is the last word that I would want to use to describe this chick.

Wizard:
Gaara of the Desert is a short, skinny, pale stick of a kid, but he's also one of the deadliest Shinobi in the world.

Boomstick:
He looks like a member of Green Day.

Boomstick:
In only six years, Toph had completely mastered Earthbending. She even won the Earth Rumble VI tournament multiple times under her stage name, The Blind Bandit.

Wizard:
But Toph didn't stop her training with just Earthbending. At first, softer earth proved difficult for her seismic sense. But she has since demonstrated her mastery in both sandbending and mudbending. She can also change the density of earth from sand to stone and back. And before you start making any density or hardening innuendos, she's twelve.

Boomstick:
Ah... Okay.

Boomstick:
[describing Gaara] This guy's like the ultimate emo kid, but I'm not gonna give him too much crap, because he can use existing sand to crush the ground around him for even more sand. So he's never without easy access to ammo. Despite this, he still carries a gigantic gourd of sand on his back.

Wizard:
It's huge! You'd think that'd be hard on his spine. Interestingly enough, its unique shape and size is a reference to how, in Japanese folklore, tanukis were considered to be so well endowed, they'd have to sling their testicles over their shoulders.

Boomstick:
Awesome...

Wizard:
But the thing is, Gaara's gourd is not carrying any ordinary testicles... I mean sand! Gaara has infused his own Chakra into the gourd sand.

Boomstick:
This directly links it to Gaara, making it much easier for him to control. He's so skilled with it, he can even forge weapons from it, bury people underground or send it into another person's bloodstream and control them like some sort of puppet. Talk about an itch you're not gonna scratch.

Wizard:
Frustrated by her parents' stubborn coddling, Toph ran away from home at the age of six and ended up losing her way in a cave, until she was rescued by some giant Badgermoles. Yes, they're badgers and they are moles.

Boomstick:
Imagine one of those things burrowing into your home. What kind of pest control do you even call for that? Oh wait, I know: FIRE.

Wizard:
Like Toph, Badgermoles are blind. So they took a liking to her.

Boomstick:
Well, how the hell would they know?

Wizard:
And as the original artists of the craft, the Badgermoles began her training in the art of Earthbending.

Wizard:
Gaara eventually battled and defeated his own father, who happened to be a zombie at the time. His father used a Magnetic Release ability to control gold dust, much like Gaara does sand.

Boomstick:
Even though he can't do the zombie dad magnet thing, Gaara added Gold Dust to his gourd sand anyway, giving him more control over its weight.

Wizard:
But wait, there's more! With her dying breath, Gaara's mother somehow imparted her own power into this sand. It became living sand, an extension of her will, determined to follow and protect Gaara. It will spring from the gourd to defend him from any danger, regardless of risk and without command.

Boomstick:
This absolute defensive technique is called... the Absolute Defense. Pretty good name, really. Gaara's sand is so dense and fast, only someone who can move nearly the speed of sound can pass it.

Wizard:
Gaara can also use everyday sand to create defenses such as his Sand Armor, which encases him in a shell to soften blows. Unlike his automatic Absolute Defense, the Sand Armor is self-created, and requires a large amount of his Chakra to maintain.

Boomstick:
[about the Badgermoles] These giant varmints taught Toph how to manipulate rock and stone using movements similar to the chu-gar praying mantis martial art. Toph can telekinetically throw, grow, shrink, and alter earth in any conceivable way, making for some pretty down-to-earth attacks and defenses.

Wizard:
That's not all. The Badgermoles also taught her how to see.

Boomstick:
Wait, these ridiculous creatures are also masters of LASIK surgery?

Wizard:
No, Toph does not use her eyes to see. Of course, her other senses are extremely accurate, and as a master earthbender, Toph can sense the location of earth anywhere. Even more impressive, though, the Badgermoles navigate their tunnels using an earthbending technique known as the Seismic Sense, and Toph quickly picked up on this talent. It's kind of like sonar, detecting the exact location and movement of a person or object through their interaction with the ground. She feels every movement, every footstep, every heartbeat so precisely, she can even tell if a person's lying.

Boomstick:
A woman who can always tell when I'm lying? No thank you! Toph is so good at this that even her closest friends sometimes forget she's blind. But don't worry, they're reminded.

Boomstick:
[about Gaara's sand] He can wield it as a weapon, using his mind to trap and crush his foes. Oh, and he can also use it to freaking fly. How the hell does that work?

Wizard:
He can mentally adjust the density of his sand, whether it needs to be lighter than air or stronger than steel. He can even use it to stop bombs powerful enough to wipe out an entire village. He can control any sand in his vicinity using his Chakra, a spiritual energy Shinobi access for superhuman abilities, such as walking up a tree.

Boomstick:
Gaara's skill with sand is only limited by how much Charka he's got left in his system, After running low, he could tag out and give Shukaku a turn fighting, until a group of crazy people literally pulled the sand monster from his body for good. That must've hurt. It's gotta be like twice as bad than that night after Chipotle.

Wizard:
...He died.

Boomstick:
Oh. The same, then.

Boomstick:
[about Toph] Her greatest achievement is the discovery of an all-new bending art, one thought to be impossible: Metalbending.

Wizard:
By manipulating the earthly composition within, Toph can bend nearly any type of metal just as well as stone, the exception being highly purified metals such as platinum.

Boomstick:
Toph quickly mastered metalbending, and went on to teach it to others.

Wizard:
She eventually even founded and led a metalbending police force.

Boomstick:
And that's after conquering Earth Rumble IV, holding up a building the size of a castle, defeating an entire army almost singlehandedly, and dueling King Bumi to a standstill. And that guy's conquered an entire hostile city by himself.

Wizard:
[Shukaku was pulled out of Gaara's body, killing him] Turns out losing Shukaku was actually a blessing in disguise. After being resurrected, Gaara spent some time reevaluating his emotional roller coaster of a life. Inspired by Naruto Uzumaki, he began to truly understand compassion. His attitude changed. His people began supporting him. He even commanded the Allied Shinobi Forces during the Fourth Great Shinobi War, and like his late father, Gaara also became...

Boomstick:
A zombie?

Wizard:
Kazekage...

Boomstick:
Damn! Well, even non-zombie and missing Shukaku, Gaara still retained his powerful Chakra and skill over sand.

Wizard:
In their fight, Gaara was so powerful, his father mistook him for Shukaku itself, despite the sand monster being long gone.

Boomstick:
Gaara is stronger and smarter than ever, all thanks to his mother's love. I miss Mama Boomstick.

Wizard:
Few can withstand the overwhelming power of this Sand Shinobi. Or Mama Boomstick's cooking.

Boomstick:
Hey! You're uninvited to Thanksgiving!

Wizard:
I never was!

Boomstick:
Exactly.

Wizard:
Even in her old age, Toph was capable of going one on one with the new Avatar, and her Seismic Sense could locate people across the world.

Boomstick:
She knows when I've lied AND where I've been? Women should not have these powers.

Wizard:
The year was 1954, less than a decade after Little Boy and Fatman had decimated Japan.

Boomstick:
The nuclear age had begun.

Wizard:
As the United States tested their shiny new hydrogen bombs across the Pacific, one of them woke something up.

Boomstick:
Godzilla, the radioactive rampaging savior/destroyer of Japan.

Wizard:
Mutated by nuclear energy, Godzilla stands over 300 feet tall and weighs 90 thousand tons. He is an unstoppable force of nature.

Boomstick:
And for some reason, Godzilla has made Japan his personal playground and has been stomping through it for 60 years.

Wizard:
Godzilla's radioactive mutation leaves everything in his wake contaminated: water, plants, even people. Godzilla's presence alone turns a city block completely uninhabitable.

Boomstick:
Like that noisy upstairs neighbor or people who let their dog sh*t in your front lawn.

Wizard:
But Godzilla does not simply walk past his enemies to destroy them.

Boomstick:
His strength is insane! He once lifted and threw his arch-rival Keizer Ghidorah, who weighs 100 thousand freakin' tons!

Wizard:
He channels this strength through his claws, teeth, tail...

Boomstick:
AND EPIC GRAVITY-DEFYING DROPKICKS!

Wizard:
Hilarious abilities aside, Godzilla would not be such a legendary kaiju without some serious firepower. He can emit atomic energy from his body for a short-range nuclear pulse.

Boomstick:
Or fire his signature atomic breath, a goddamn laser beam of pure radiation! That's like microwaving at least a hundred balls of tinfoil!

Wizard:
Well, give or take a few... million.

Boomstick:
The atomic breath can melt, burn, or blow up just much anything, and you know it just can't smell good! I mean that's a lot of fish!

Wizard:
NO! No, no, no! That right there is Zilla, the bastardized and shamed American version that Toho literally bought the rights and completely re-branded... just to murder on-screen.

Boomstick:
[chuckles] Take that, America!

Wizard:
And that was just the real Godzilla's standard atomic breath.

Boomstick:
After absorbing a giant pterodactyl's soul... oookay... he gained the power to boost his breath to the red spiral ray...

Wizard:
An attack so deadly it only took a few blasts to obliterate the more powerful clone of himself, Space Godzilla.

Boomstick:
What, Space Godzilla?

Wizard:
Yes, Space Godzilla is a thing! Moving on... Godzilla's cell structure can quickly regenerate from all manner of wounds, and despite being vulnerable to man-made electricity, he possesses magnetic properties. Like a lightning rod, he can attract thunderbolts from the sky and use nature's power to enhance his own abilities... or turn himself into a giant living magnet.

Boomstick:
Magnets... how do they even work? Well believe it or not, that isn't the weirdest thing that Godzilla can do. If Big G needs to get somewhere quick, he bends over, charges up, and does this... [Godzilla uses his atomic breath to propel himself through the air]

Wizard:
Well, at least Japan is... creative?

Boomstick:
Wait, can that even happen?

Wizard:
Scaling to the present, to actually lift his body means his atomic breath must have a force of over 328 trillion psi. That's the equivalent of 1 TRILLION riot control fire hoses, enough to wrap around the earth 38 THOUSAND times!

Boomstick:
Damn! Godzilla has 44 known victories, largely due to his insane durability. He's fallen into a volcano, survived a black hole, and tanked a meteorite point-blank without a scratch.

Wizard:
But despite popular belief, Godzilla is not invincible. His regeneration takes time, his speed is lacking, and despite having two brains, one in his skull and the other where his tail meets his torso, he's pretty darn clumsy.

Boomstick:
Where were you on that one, Assbrain?

Wizard:
He officially lost a fight against King Kong and he's even died in four separate films.

Boomstick:
But Godzilla's victories definitely outweigh his failures. There's a good reason they call him the "King of the Monsters".

Wizard:
The year was 1965, the apex of the Space Race. Technology was advancing further and faster than ever before, but no one could've anticipated the bio-engineered marvel hidden beneath the waves. Eons ago, the ancient people of Atlantis learned how to construct life and foolishly decided to play God.

Boomstick:
But instead of creating something safe like a dog or a bunny, they created giant flying laser-shooting murder birds! Surprise, surprise - they couldn't be controlled, and they turned 100% of Atlantis into ocean front property!

Wizard:
So what was their solution to counter these giant destructive monsters? Why, ANOTHER giant destructive monster, of course! Enter Gamera, Guardian of the Universe and Friend to All Children.

Boomstick:
"Friend to All Children"? That's a terrible title. How about "Gamera, the flying fire-breathing ninja turtle of doom"?

Wizard:
That's actually not far off. For a 260-foot, 10-thousand ton turtle, Gamera is quite agile.

Boomstick:
His arsenal includes two huge tusks, twin elbow spikes, and a fire breath so strong it can be used underwater, despite being, you know, fire!

Wizard:
Technically, it's highly-concentrated plasma, the fourth state of matter. The hottest plasma ever created by man exceeded 3.6 million degrees Fahrenheit. That's hotter than the surface of the sun. Gamera's fire balls can burn through practically anything.

Boomstick:
And when he's not spitting hot fire, he f***ing eats it!

Wizard:
It's true. A fiery four-course meal can quickly heal and re-energize him.

Boomstick:
Naturally, as a giant turtle monster, he can retract his limbs and head into his shell for extra defense and then fire rocket jets out of the holes and freakin' fly? WHAT THE F*** IS THIS? And why can't my turtle do that? Some day, Mr. Snappy. Some day...

Wizard:
Gamera can fly at speeds breaching Mach 3, over 22 hundred miles per hour! That's faster than the world record-holding SR-71 Blackbird!

Boomstick:
But how the hell does he know where he's going, and more importantly, how does he not puke his guts out?

Wizard:
The Atlanteans built Gamera using mana, an ethereal energy force connecting all things, places, and people. Everything has a finite pool of mana, which can be measured using a... Sega Dreamcast.

Boomstick:
But it still can't play DVDs.

Wizard:
A person's mana is dependent on how much influence and authority they possess over others. As Gamera literally holds the world's fate in his claws, his mana levels are off the charts.

Boomstick:
Gamera can manipulate his mana in combat, which is useful when you've lost your arm and need to give your enemy a kaiju-sized falcon punch. F*** yeah!

Wizard:
And if Gamera ever runs low on mana, he can summon more from the earth itself.

Boomstick:
Gamera is fast enough to catch a missile going Mach 10, capable of flying through outer space, and tough enough to survive a nuclear explosion which leveled the entire city of Sendai!

Wizard:
As Sendai is about 152 miles across, this explosion must have yielded nearly 112 megatons of force.

Boomstick:
Gamera has a fierce will to fight. No matter how much pain he's in, he'll keep pushing forward for the win.

Wizard:
And he's not just determined; he's actually quite brilliant. He tactically seeks to exploit enemy weaknesses and is apparently smart enough to repair an alien spacecraft.

Boomstick:
He does machines.

Wizard:
But despite his intelligence, he is not infallible. Gamera's supposedly impenetrable defenses have been pierced before. And remember, Gamera is explicitly the Guardian of Earth, which does not necessarily include humanity. In fact, Gamera fears mankind may one day become the earth's greatest enemy.

Boomstick:
I knew he sounded too good to be true. He's a hippie turtle...

Wizard:
And yet Gamera has a strange fondness for children.

Boomstick:
Umm... [singing] Gamera! Gamera! He will bring kids to his van! Touch them like no other can! Please don't tell on Gamera! [speaking] No, really...

Wizard:
Actually... he's sacrificed his life to save children on multiple occasions. Even used his ultimate self-destruct move all for the safety of innocent children.

Boomstick:
Oh. That's pretty cool.

Wizard:
Kakarot was born to a low-class Saiyan warrior on the planet Vegeta. He narrowly escaped the extinction of his entire race when he was sent to Earth with a single, simple mission...

Boomstick:
Destroy everything! Then he conveniently bumped his head and forgot about it all.

Wizard:
Dubbed Goku by his adopted grandfather, his life revolves around combat. He cares little for anything else, unless food is involved.

Boomstick:
At 12 years old, he was trained by Master Roshi in Kame-Sennin Ryu, which pushes a person to superhuman levels.

Wizard:
Complementing his Saiyan biology, Goku's superhuman strength, speed and senses skyrocketed. He developed numerous fighting techniques including the fast-moving After-Image and the Dragonthrow, his trademark grapple.

Boomstick:
At fifteen, he was already so powerful that the only worthy teachers left were gods... and a talking cat, but mostly GODS! He was only a kid and already, his power level was already enormous!

Vegeta:
It's over 9,000!

Boomstick:
Not yet! [video fast-forwards through the Dragon Ball Z series] Okay, now it is.

Wizard:
FALSE! In the Japanese manga, Goku's power level at that time was 8,000. But it doesn't even matter because power levels are absurd. The entire point of introducing them was to show how unreliable and meaningless they were. By relying on power levels, the villains constantly underestimated the heroes. Therefore, using them to judge Goku's abilities is pointless. Besides, the Daizenshuu says that...

Boomstick:
Dai-what now?

Wizard:
The Official Dragonball Encyclopedia. It states power levels eventually become immeasurable, not because they are so high they can't be measured, but because the characters, and hopefully the audience, have realized just how futile these numbers are. We cannot judge Goku by his power level, nor can we through power scaling, the theory that he can achieve the same feats as lesser Dragonball characters. Goku's abilities are tailored to his personal training and experiences, not to mention anatomy.

Boomstick:
However, Goku does have a knack for mimicking ki techniques.

Wizard:
Ki is metaphysical, made up of things such as vigor, courage and being in one's true mind.

Boomstick:
It's basically a kind of natural life force energy and is a fundamental component of Daoist medicine and martial arts. Oh, and uh, it's NOT magic!

Wizard:
Dragonball creates a very distinct difference between ki and magic. Ki is dependent on the physical ability of the user and magic-users like Babidi are clearly using something different. Goku harnesses and manipulates his ki energy...

Boomstick:
Into badass lasers and stuff, like ki blasts, energy barriers and the Destructo Disc, which he totally stole from Krillin. The Solar Flare blinds opponents and the Spirit Bomb puts energy from other things into a giant death ball... that takes freaking forever to make.

Wizard:
And energy taken from sentient beings must be voluntary. The Spirit Bomb is fueled by positive energy which is only effective against those filled with negative energy, AKA evil. In the Super Android 13 film, Goku actually absorbs the ki gathered from the Spirit Bomb, becoming one with it, transforming and manipulating the energy himself.

Boomstick:
But his two best moves are the Dragon Fist, where he super-charges his punch with a golden ki dragon and the one and only Kamehameha: a giant focused beam which every kid in the world has always wanted to do. Don't lie, you've tried it.

Wizard:
Goku also uses ki for telekinesis and high-speed flight. He can even sense the power and location of other ki sources and then teleport directly to them with Instant Transmission.

Boomstick:
Which is light speed!

Goku:
You dematerialize and travel as a mass of light.

Wizard:
Again, FALSE! This is another mistake in translation. According to the original manga, "Instant Transmission is... well... instant." Its only flaw is that it requires concentrated focus. Also, he can read minds.

Boomstick:
Wait, what? Is there no limit to this ki thing?

Wizard:
There is. Goku draws from a finite pool of ki energy. So to increase his power, Goku perfected the art of Kaio-Ken. This amplifies Goku's ki, multiplying his strength, speed, defense and so on.

Boomstick:
Only one problem: it puts a giant strain on body and can even kill him.

Wizard:
But Goku does not have to rely solely on his ki. He wields the Power Pole, a magical staff which expands and contracts.

Boomstick:
When he's hurt, eating a Senzu bean heals him up and to get around, he rides the Flying Nimbus, a flying cloud which probably tastes like cotton candy.

Wizard:
Still, the Kaio-Ken was Goku's trump card for some time until a fateful battle with the tyrant Frieza, who pushed Goku past his limits to achieve the legendary form of Super Saiyan.

Boomstick:
There are four different levels of Super Saiyan, each drastically boosting his power.

Wizard:
Like the Kaio-Ken, each form does burden his body, though Goku has trained to minimize this.

Boomstick:
Super Saiyan 3 multiplies the already combined power of Super Saiyan 2 by four, but comes at a horrible price: that hair! Oh, and it pretty much destroys his body while he's using it, but MY GOD, THE HAIR!

Wizard:
Fortunately for Goku, the life-sapping Super Saiyan 3 would be trumped by his final transformation: Super Saiyan 4. This form alters his body to better endure the 4000x power increase.

Boomstick:
Complete with pink fur and eye shadow. Fear the ultimate form!

Wizard:
With each transformation, minus full-power Super Saiyan 1, Goku loses some self-control, becoming more violent and instinct-prone. Goku's greatest strength is his tenacity and never-give-up attitude. He does not fight to defeat others. He fights to defeat himself. However, this may also be his greatest weakness.

Boomstick:
He prefers a fair fight, eager to see his opponent's maximum potential.

Wizard:
But, when the whole world is at stake, well... hindsight is 20/20.

Boomstick:
And while he's more than tough enough to survive in a vacuum, he clearly needs oxygen, so no breathing in space.

Wizard:
Plus, well... Goku's not very bright. Despite some basic schooling from Roshi, Goku has never had a day of certified formal education in his life. It took him years just to learn how to drive.

Boomstick:
But why the hell would Goku need to drive a car?

Wizard:
Even so, Goku understands his weaknesses. To him, a formal education would just be a waste of time. He is already a genius when it comes to martial arts.

Boomstick:
And even if he does get the hell beaten out of him, he improves with every fight.

Wizard:
And that is what Goku is all about. He thrives on becoming stronger and bursting limits and has overcome every obstacle in his way.

Boomstick:
Even marriage.

Wizard:
Goku might just be the greatest martial artist in fictional history.

Wizard:
Kal-El was born to a high-class scientist on the planet Krypton. He narrowly escaped the destruction of his homeworld when his father sent him to Earth with the goal of preserving human life.

Boomstick:
Well, what a coincidence... except for the whole saving human life thing. After landing on Earth, he was found and raised by the Kents, who decided to name him Clark. And weren't they surprised when they found out he was an alien with superpowers.

Wizard:
After discovering his true heritage, Clark refused to accept his Kryptonian side. He subconsciously developed mental barriers that blocked him from attaining his full power, which he would work to uncover throughout the rest of his life.

Boomstick:
Stupid power-limiting brain.

Wizard:
After graduating from college in two years and traveling the world as a secret superhero, Clark moved to the city of Metropolis as an investigative reporter and donned the red and blue to publicly announce his presence as the Superman, defender of truth, justice and the American way!... until he renounced his American citizenship.

Boomstick:
Mild-mannered Clark kept his identity a secret with the brilliant disguise of nerdy glasses and wimpy demeanor proving that people only see what they want to believe.

Wizard:
Boomstick, that's surprisingly profound.

Boomstick:
[burps] Since then, his power's been pretty inconsistent, mostly due to the writers doing whatever the hell they please.

Wizard:
Well, there is a legitimate explanation. Superman's powers are dependent on the ultra-solar rays of the sun. By absorbing yellow or blue sunlight, his power rises; however he cannot absorb sunlight from a red star. So, if you take away a yellow sun, you slowly take away Superman's powers.

Boomstick:
He's solar-powered! They call him the world's first superhero but he sounds like the world's first hippie to me.

Wizard:
Now, the intensity of solar radiation disperses the further away it gets from its source, so the closer Superman is to the sun, the more solar radiation he'll absorb.

Boomstick:
So he gathers more power the higher he gets? He IS a hippie.

Wizard:
In the Justice League series, Our Worlds at War, Superman actually spent fifteen minutes INSIDE the sun. When he resurfaced, he was powerful enough to effortlessly move planets.

Boomstick:
He can also hear sounds millions of miles away, see through anything but lead, and spot things moving faster than light.

Wizard:
He can see at a subatomic level and hear through the vacuum of space... somehow. He can even see your soul.

Boomstick:
What?

Wizard:
It happened.

Boomstick:
Well, weird abilities aside, Superman can freeze his enemies in ice or create hurricanes just by breathing, and to top it all off, he shoots laser beams from his eyes.

Wizard:
His heat vision can be expanded to encompass anything within Superman's sight and reach temperatures hotter than the sun.

Boomstick:
He can incinerate entire planets in a staring contest.

Wizard:
However, heat vision drains his power faster than any other ability, especially when he amps it up. And with precision, heat vision can reach microscopic levels invisible to the human eye. Superman can vibrate his body fast enough to phase through attacks, even turn invisible. By vibrating to just under light speed, Superman can use the infinite mass punch. This speed causes the relative mass of his fist to increase immensely and hit with the force of a supernova.

Boomstick:
Which explodes at a force of 10 octillion megatons! Thanks fact-of-the-day calendar.

Wizard:
In comparison, this is the Tsar, the most powerful bomb mankind has ever tested: 50 megatons.

Boomstick:
So that punch is like 200 septillion super-nukes. That's 24 zeroes, b*tches!

Wizard:
Superman is not only strong, but a genius with a super-brain that can process information thousands of times faster than an average human. He is capable of strategic fighting, even while traveling eight times the speed of light.

Boomstick:
He's an expert at disabling opponents through pressure point combat and once fought demons in Valhalla alongside Wonder Woman and Thor... for 1,000 freaking years!

Wizard:
He's even learned to protect his mind from telepathic attacks. He also studied two Kryptonian martial arts: Torquasm-Rao and Torquasm-Vo.

Boomstick:
Orgasm-what now?

Wizard:
Torquasm-Rao is a hard martial art in which Superman enters the theta state, a real-life phenomenon in which a person becomes extremely receptive to information and instinct. Torquasm-Vo is a mental martial art with which Superman can fight off mind domination and illusions or even counterattack.

Boomstick:
In order to master all his powers, Superman needed to break through his own self-created mental blocks, like how when he was younger, he believed he needed to eat food and breathe oxygen like humans, when he can really just survive on solar energy alone like some weird plant man.

Wizard:
And thanks to some intense training by Mongol II, he managed to tear these barriers down and become the true Superman, capable of amazing feats.

Boomstick:
Yeah, like when he obliterated an F5 tornado with a round of applause. Or when he was the filling for a planet sandwich, or held a mini black hole in his hand. Or the time he dragged the freaking Earth around! Superman has survived some pretty crazy things. Like when Koldgast hit him with 15 supernovas to the face!

Wizard:
Exaggeration? Maybe, but he has survived other supernovas before. When he takes a hit, his super-dense molecular structure and bio-electric aura protect him and his suit.

Boomstick:
Holy crap, he sounds invincible!

Wizard:
Not exactly. His solar energy can be depleted over the course of a battle, if he takes too much damage or remains out of sunlight for too long. This is how the monster Doomsday was able to kill him. Oh, sorry, not kill, put him into a "healing coma".

Boomstick:
[coughs] Cop-out!

Wizard:
He also has several specific weaknesses, like the famous Kryptonite, radioactive fragments of his homeworld which bring him to his knees. Any prolonged exposure will eventually kill him. He also has no special resistance to magical attacks.

Boomstick:
And he always gets all hung up on doing the right thing, even if it makes his life miserable.

Wizard:
He does not fight for himself, but to protect others. Even the buildings in Metropolis are more valuable to him than his own life... most of the time. The point is, Superman spends more time defending the city than actually improving his own abilities.

Boomstick:
But remove all those pesky feelings about saving people and look out!

[Superman has just utterly annihilated Goku]

Boomstick:
It's over! It's finally over! We never have to hear about it again!

Wizard:
Indeed. Superman may not be as tenacious as Goku, but sometimes, tenacity only prolongs the inevitable.

Boomstick:
Superman's power's insane. He can even patch up holes in reality with just his own static electricity.

Wizard:
Goku did not understand Superman's connection to the sun and would not think to teleporting him to a red star. Even if he did figure it out, he would run the risk of teleporting him to a blue star, which actually increases Superman's power.

Boomstick:
And if Goku destroyed the sun, the supernova would blast all the way past Mars and incinerate him.

Wizard:
So it ultimately comes down to who's stronger, faster and tougher. The force needed to move an object out of the sun's orbit by 1% is about one thousand times less than the object's mass. The Earth weighs in at just under 6.6 sextillion tons. This means that Superman is strong enough to move 6.6 quintillion tons.

Boomstick:
But since his solar power can rise infinitely, this is nowhere near his maximum strength.

Wizard:
While being timed by Max Lord, Superman flew to the sun and back in less than two minutes. That's 9.4 billion km/h.

Boomstick:
Not to mention he was fighting Wonder Stripper the whole time.

Wizard:
True, so it's likely he can go faster. According to Batman, he can fly at least 17 billion km/h.

Boomstick:
And NOBODY argues with Batman! The Man of Steel can survive the impact of multiple supernovas, each with about ten octillion megatons of force.

Wizard:
So, Superman's feats and skills are definitively measured. However, Goku's are not and are difficult to judge. Not only does Dragonball heavily abuse cinematic time, but Goku's final adventures in Dragonball GT are incredibly inconsistent due to his untimely transformation into a child. As ki is dependent on the physical body, his child form likely could not handle his own ki, sending his power into flux.

Boomstick:
And obviously, we're not using future Goku 'cause that would require a ridiculous amount of assumption. Not to mention we'd have to use future Superman, who's pretty much God. So, like Superman, we need to judge Goku in his prime.

Wizard:
After experimenting with dozens of different theories, we discovered an iron-clad method to finding Goku's limits, which we call the Gravity Formula, based around his training in increased gravity. Due to his style of training and Saiyan heritage, Goku increases his abilities proportionate to the amount of force he trains under. While in base form, Goku could lift just under 40 tons. This is equivalent to 586x normal Earth gravity, which we will use in the Gravity Formula along with the Super Saiyan multipliers to calculate Goku's maximum potential.

Boomstick:
Multiplying the 40 tons by the Super Saiyan forms means he can lift up to 160,000 tons in Super Saiyan 4, strong enough to pick up a continent... or my ex-wife. Ha ha! Right after Goku trained on King Kai's planet, which has gravity 10x stronger than Earth's, he flew across Snake Way Road as fast as possible to save his friends. It took him 28 hours, impressive since that's 1,000,000 kilometers long.

Wizard:
Except it's filled with curves and Goku flew straight over it, so how far did he actually travel? By comparing Goku's height to a single spike, we can measure each curve. We can then remove those curves from the overall length. So it turns out that Goku actually flew 307,000 kilometers, nearly 11,000 km/h.

Boomstick:
To see how fast his base form is at the end of the series, we run the Snake Way number through the gravity formula to find that his top speed clocks in at over 2 1/2 billion km/h, over 2x the speed of light.

Wizard:
We can determine Goku's durability through this bomb, which the brilliant Dr. Gero designed to kill Goku at age 25, when his maximum potential was Kaio-Ken x4.

Boomstick:
Scans of the bomb display a TNT measurement of 657. Bulma says the bomb could destroy the Earth, so this is likely measured in quadrillion megatons, since it takes at least 53 quadrillion megatons of force to destroy the Earth.

Wizard:
So in his final form, Goku can survive up to nearly 35 sextillion megatons.

Boomstick:
Goku doesn't rely solely on his physical abilities. He amplifies his strength and durability with ki.

Wizard:
But even though his ki reserves cannot be measured, we can determine his maximum output. See, his ki attacks do not force him backward unless he allows them to.

Boomstick:
Even when firing upward at full power, the ground beneath him remains untouched.

Wizard:
Therefore, according to physics, his maximum output is at most equal to the amount of force he can withstand.

Boomstick:
Luckily, we just calculated that with the Gero bomb.

Wizard:
All right, now that we've determined Goku's maximum potential, let's compare it to Superman's.

[shows a graphical representation of Superman and Goku's mathematically-determined power levels]

Boomstick:
HOLY SH*T! Not even close.

Wizard:
Now we can compare feats and throw equations around, but in the end, numbers cannot measure what Goku and Superman are capable of. They are both ultimate heroes, solutions to daunting problems and achievers of the impossible. The difference is at the core of their character. Goku has never been invincible; he has very clear limits and must overcome those limits to solve the problems at hand. That's the whole point. On the other hand, Superman's story is not about the fight to become the best, but of an immigrant facing the challenge of home versus heritage. After accepting his alien side, Superman has reached his full potential, which under the endless power of the sun is essentially limitless. In short, Superman is as strong as he needs to be. So what happens when you pit a man with the power to break any limits against another who has no limits in the first place? Well, only one has limits to give at all.

Boomstick:
Goku just Kaio-can't keep up with the Man of Steel.

Wizard:
The winner is Superman.

Wizard:
Born to dying races and sent to brave new worlds, these two alien saviors are legendary.

Boomstick:
And everybody wants to know who would kick whose ass in a fight. And I mean everyone!

Wizard:
Goku, the tenacious Super Saiyan...

Boomstick:
...and Superman, the Man of Steel.

Wizard:
To ensure no questions are left unanswered, we will be acknowledging every official resource for both combatants, though the original writings hold precedence; no mistranslations allowed. Also, as he was retconned and rebuilt in 1986, we will be examining the modern Superman.

Boomstick:
Considering Supes pre-'86 could make up new super powers on the fly and destroy entire solar systems by sneezing, probably a good idea.

Wizard:
Kakarot was born to a low-class Saiyan warrior on the planet Vegeta. He narrowly escaped the extinction of his entire race when he was sent to Earth with a single, simple mission...

Boomstick:
Destroy everything! Then he conveniently bumped his head and forgot about it all.

Wizard:
Dubbed Goku by his adopted grandfather, his life revolves around combat. He cares little for anything else, unless food is involved.

Boomstick:
At 12 years old, he was trained by Master Roshi in Kame-Sennin Ryu, which pushes a person to superhuman levels.

Wizard:
Complementing his Saiyan biology, Goku's superhuman strength, speed and senses skyrocketed. He developed numerous fighting techniques including the fast-moving After-Image and the Dragonthrow, his trademark grapple.

Wizard:
Kal-El was born to a high-class scientist on the planet Krypton. He narrowly escaped the destruction of his home world when his father sent him to Earth with the goal of preserving human life.

Boomstick:
Well, what a coincidence... except for the whole saving human life thing. After landing on Earth, he was found and raised by the Kents, who decided to name him Clark. And weren't they surprised when they found out he was an alien with superpowers.

Wizard:
After discovering his true heritage, Clark refused to accept his Kryptonian side. He subconsciously developed mental barriers that blocked him from attaining his full power, which he would work to uncover throughout the rest of his life.

Boomstick:
Stupid power-limiting brain.

Wizard:
After graduating from college in two years and traveling the world as a secret superhero, Clark moved to the city of Metropolis as an investigative reporter and donned the red and blue to publicly announce his presence as the Superman, defender of truth, justice and the American way!... until he renounced his American citizenship.

Boomstick:
Mild-mannered Clark kept his identity a secret with the brilliant disguise of nerdy glasses and wimpy demeanor proving that people only see what they want to believe.

Wizard:
Boomstick, that's surprisingly profound.

Boomstick:
[burps] Since then, his power's been pretty inconsistent, mostly due to the writers doing whatever the hell they please.

Boomstick:
[about Goku] At fifteen, he was already so powerful that the only worthy teachers left were gods... and a talking cat, but mostly GODS! He was only a kid and already, his power level was already enormous!

Vegeta:
It's over 9,000!

Boomstick:
Not yet!

[video fast-forwards through the Dragon Ball Z series]

Boomstick:
Okay, now it is.

Wizard:
FALSE! In the Japanese manga, Goku's power level at that time was 8,000. But it doesn't even matter because power levels are absurd. The entire point of introducing them was to show how unreliable and meaningless they were. By relying on power levels, the villains constantly underestimated the heroes. Therefore, using them to judge Goku's abilities is pointless. Besides, the Daizenshuu says that...

Boomstick:
Dai-what now?

Wizard:
The Official Dragonball Encyclopedia. It states power levels eventually become immeasurable, not because they are so high they can't be measured, but because the characters, and hopefully the audience, have realized just how futile these numbers are.

Boomstick:
Superman can freeze his enemies in ice or create hurricanes just by breathing, and to top it all off, he shoots laser beams from his eyes.

Wizard:
His heat vision can be expanded to encompass anything within Superman's sight and reach temperatures hotter than the sun.

Boomstick:
He can incinerate entire planets in a staring contest.

Wizard:
However, heat vision drains his power faster than any other ability, especially when he amps it up. And with precision, heat vision can reach microscopic levels invisible to the human eye. Superman can vibrate his body fast enough to phase through attacks, even turn invisible. By vibrating to just under light speed, Superman can use the infinite mass punch. This speed causes the relative mass of his fist to increase immensely and hit with the force of a supernova.

Boomstick:
Which explodes at a force of 10 octillion megatons! Thanks fact-of-the-day calendar.

Wizard:
In comparison, this is the Tsar, the most powerful bomb mankind has ever tested: 50 megatons.

Boomstick:
So that punch is like 200 septillion super-nukes. That's 24 zeroes, b*tches!

Wizard:
We cannot judge Goku by his power level, nor can we through power scaling, the theory that he can achieve the same feats as lesser Dragonball characters. Goku's abilities are tailored to his personal training and experiences, not to mention anatomy.

Boomstick:
However, Goku does have a knack for mimicking ki techniques.

Wizard:
Ki is metaphysical, made up of things such as vigor, courage, and being in one's true mind.

Boomstick:
It's basically a kind of natural life force energy and is a fundamental component of Daoist medicine and martial arts. Oh, and uh, it's NOT magic.

Wizard:
Dragonball creates a very distinct difference between ki and magic. Ki is dependent on the physical ability of the user, and magic-users like Babidi are clearly using something different. Goku harnesses and manipulates his ki energy...

Boomstick:
Into badass lasers and stuff, like ki blasts, energy barriers and the Destructo Disc, which he totally stole from Krillin. The Solar Flare blinds opponents and the Spirit Bomb puts energy from other things into a giant death ball... that takes freaking forever to make.

Wizard:
And energy taken from sentient beings must be voluntary. The Spirit Bomb is fueled by positive energy which is only effective against those filled with negative energy, AKA evil. In the Super Android 13 film, Goku actually absorbs the ki gathered from the Spirit Bomb, becoming one with it, transforming and manipulating the energy himself.

Wizard:
Superman is not only strong, but a genius with a super-brain that can process information thousands of times faster than an average human. He is capable of strategic fighting, even while traveling eight times the speed of light.

Boomstick:
He's an expert at disabling opponents through pressure point combat and once fought demons in Valhalla alongside Wonder Woman and Thor... for 1,000 freaking years!

Wizard:
He's even learned to protect his mind from telepathic attacks. He also studied two Kryptonian martial arts: Torquasm-Rao and Torquasm-Vo.

Boomstick:
Orgasm-what now?

Wizard:
Torquasm-Rao is a hard martial art in which Superman enters the theta state, a real-life phenomenon in which a person becomes extremely receptive to information and instinct. Torquasm-Vo is a mental martial art with which Superman can fight off mind domination and illusions or even counterattack.

Boomstick:
[about Goku] His two best moves are the Dragon Fist, where he super-charges his punch with a golden ki dragon, and the one and only Kamehameha: a giant focused beam which every kid in the world has always wanted to do. Don't lie, you've tried it.

Wizard:
Goku also uses ki for telekinesis and high-speed flight. He can even sense the power and location of other ki sources and then teleport directly to them with Instant Transmission.

Boomstick:
Which is light speed!

Goku:
You dematerialize and travel as a mass of light.

Wizard:
Again, FALSE! This is another mistake in translation. According to the original manga, "Instant Transmission is... well... instant." Its only flaw is that it requires concentrated focus. Also, he can read minds.

Boomstick:
Wait, what? Is there no limit to this ki thing?

Wizard:
There is. Goku draws from a finite pool of ki energy. So to increase his power, Goku perfected the art of Kaio-Ken. This amplifies Goku's ki, multiplying his strength, speed, defense and so on.

Boomstick:
Only one problem: it puts a giant strain on his body and can even kill him.

Wizard:
[explaining why Superman's powers are inconsistent] Superman's powers are dependent on the ultra-solar rays of the sun. By absorbing yellow or blue sunlight, his power rises. However, he cannot absorb sunlight from a red star. So, if you take away a yellow sun, you slowly take away Superman's powers.

Boomstick:
He's solar-powered! They call him the world's first superhero, but he sounds like the world's first hippie to me.

Wizard:
Now, the intensity of solar radiation disperses the further away it gets from its source, so the closer Superman is to the sun, the more solar radiation he'll absorb.

Boomstick:
So he gathers more power the higher he gets? He IS a hippie.

Wizard:
In the Justice League series, Our Worlds at War, Superman actually spent fifteen minutes INSIDE the sun. When he resurfaced, he was powerful enough to effortlessly move planets.

Boomstick:
He can also hear sounds millions of miles away, see through anything but lead, and spot things moving faster than light.

Wizard:
He can see at a subatomic level and hear through the vacuum of space... somehow. He can even see your soul.

Boomstick:
What?

Wizard:
It happened.

Wizard:
Goku does not have to rely solely on his ki. He wields the Power Pole, a magical staff which expands and contracts.

Boomstick:
When he's hurt, eating a Senzu bean heals him up and to get around, he rides the Flying Nimbus, a flying cloud which probably tastes like cotton candy.

Wizard:
Still, the Kaio-Ken was Goku's trump card for some time until a fateful battle with the tyrant Frieza, who pushed Goku past his limits to achieve the legendary form of Super Saiyan.

Boomstick:
There are four different levels of Super Saiyan, each drastically boosting his power.

Wizard:
Like the Kaio-Ken, each form does burden his body, though Goku has trained to minimize this.

Boomstick:
Super Saiyan 3 multiplies the already combined power of Super Saiyan 2 by four, but comes at a horrible price: that hair! Oh, and it pretty much destroys his body while he's using it, but MY GOD, THE HAIR!

Wizard:
Fortunately for Goku, the life-sapping Super Saiyan 3 would be trumped by his final transformation: Super Saiyan 4. This form alters his body to better endure the 4000x power increase.

Boomstick:
Complete with pink fur and eye shadow. Fear the ultimate form!

Wizard:
[about Goku's Super Saiyan forms] With each transformation, minus full-power Super Saiyan 1, Goku loses some self-control, becoming more violent and instinct-prone. Goku's greatest strength is his tenacity and never-give-up attitude. He does not fight to defeat others. He fights to defeat himself. However, this may also be his greatest weakness.

Boomstick:
He prefers a fair fight, eager to see his opponent's maximum potential.

Wizard:
But, when the whole world is at stake, well... hindsight is 20/20.

Boomstick:
And while he's more than tough enough to survive in a vacuum, he clearly needs oxygen, so no breathing in space.

Boomstick:
In order to master all his powers, Superman needed to break through his own self-created mental blocks, like how when he was younger, he believed he needed to eat food and breathe oxygen like humans, when he can really just survive on solar energy alone like some weird plant man.

Wizard:
And thanks to some intense training by Mongol II, he managed to tear these barriers down and become the true Superman, capable of amazing feats.

Boomstick:
Yeah, like when he obliterated an F5 tornado with a round of applause. Or when he was the filling for a planet sandwich, or held a mini black hole in his hand. Or the time he dragged the freaking Earth around!

Wizard - Host:
Goku was pretty much inspired by the monkey king Sun Wukong from the Chinese novel "Journey to the West". If you have any interest in Asian culture, I highly recommend reading it, it's inspired far more than just Dragonball.

Boomstick - Host:
Throw a stone at a shelf of anime, and odds are, it hits something inspired by "Journey to the West".

Boomstick - Host:
Goku attained a new legendary form called Super Saiyan God, despite being a temporary boost, Goku's body absorbed the godly power, essentially making it his new base form. Then, after mixing its power with his Super Saiyan ability, he became a Super Sayian God Super Sayian... oh come on! There had to have been a better name! Ultra Saiyan, Master Saiyan, Super Ultra Combo with Fries Saiyan, anything but that mouthful!

Superman:
[to Goku] With every step, an earthquake! With every breath, I could create a hurricane! This is my burden. Be thankful it is not yours.

[after getting killed, Goku's spirit is with King Kai on Snakeway Road]

King Kai:
I believe this is the part where I say I told you so...

Goku:
But King Kai I don't understand...

King Kai:
You can't beat him.

Goku:
Sure I can! I'll just train harder than ever!

King Kai:
No, Goku! You can overcome any limit put in front of you, but his power *has no limit*! Even if you somehow found the power to surpass him, you wouldn't have anything left to aspire to. Do you truly want that?

Goku:
Nah, sounds boring.

Wizard - Host:
Goku is incredibly powerful, a skilled warrior, and a great character. But Superman is on a completely different level, one which really doesn't belong in versus matches like these. Sure, due to the writing style of Dragonball, Super Saiyan God Goku's exact limits are difficult to pinpoint. Also Goku will likely achieve a new form in the future, it's just how Dragonball works nowadays. However, none of that is really a factor. Goku will always have limits while Superman's maximum potential is limitless.

Boomstick - Host:
Don't believe us? Well strap in boys and girls, let's look at how Superman breaks reality! One day Superman was hanging out near Vega, the brightest star in the Lyra constellation.

Wizard - Host:
For the record, that's 25 light years from Earth, or 147 trillion miles.

Boomstick - Host:
Naturally a crisis occurred on Earth, so Superman's photographer buddy Jimmy activated his signal watch, calling for Superman's aid. And Superman arrived in a matter of minutes!

Wizard - Host:
Being a comic book, the time Superman took getting to Earth is unspecified. However, the comic never mentioned or implied any large time lapse and he arrived as the battle was ending. Even if we seriously lowball this feat to taking ten minutes, Superman would be traveling over 800 trillion miles-per-hour, over a million times the speed of light. But more impressively, Jimmy's signal watch operates by emitting a high frequency sound only Superman can hear. Which means Superman heard the signal in the vacuum of space 25 light years away. That is physically impossible, except for Superman.

Boomstick - Host:
Hohoho, you want impossible? How about the time he lifted Spectre off the ground? A guy literally made up of eternity! No, not insane enough for you? Well then how about the time Superman lifted up a book of infinite pages? That's right! Superman lifted both Eternity and Infinity!

Wizard - Host:
Though he did have some help from Wonder Woman and Shazam.

Boomstick - Host:
Hey Wiz, what's half of infinity? In-f***ing-finity!

Wizard - Host:
Regardless, they have limits in their own strength, so while they were lifting a specific set part for each load, Superman was lifting everything else, which literally means everything else. Really Wonder Woman and Shazam didn't even need to be there.

Boomstick - Host:
Superman isn't just a sketch on paper. He's an ideal. Superman and Goku are more than just characters, they inspire. They show us the best of what we can become. This is why people get so passionate about this debate.

Wizard - Host:
Goku's the epitome of a self-made man in spirit and personal goals. He inspires people to work hard to achieve dreams. To many, Goku is proof that there is no struggle that cannot be overcome.

Boomstick - Host:
And the world of Dragonball fits this mold. Every obstacle Goku faces in Dragonball has a limit he can overtake. Even those called gods in his universe can be defeated and surpassed.

Wizard - Host:
And that is where Superman breaks this matchup. His world just doesn't fit the same mold.

Boomstick - Host:
Superman is an all-powerful being who is only weak to alien radiation and supernatural magic. He is not meant to be relatable. He is not meant to lose. While Goku's story is one of a man trying to be the best warrior he can be, Superman's is the story of a god trying to live amongst men. It's not about if he loses a fight, but whether about he's doing the right thing. *That's* why he stands for truth, justice, and freedom. *That's* why he doesn't wear a mask. That's why he's called the *Superman*.

Boomstick:
[about Lion-O's Sword of Omens] It's an extremely durable double-edged blade that cuts through stone and steel with ease. It can fly, make force fields, and shoot over fifteen different kinds of beams: lightning bolts, fire blasts and even a tractor beam which Lion-O can guide things with, which is great for when you're on the couch. Sword of Omens, bring me snacks beyond snacks! And a beer.

Wizard:
Prince Adam is not the only one getting a power-up. He has an adopted cat, whom he saved from the jungle at a young age.

Boomstick:
He named him Cringer, 'cause, well, he's a little b*tch. But whenever He-Man transforms, he zaps the little p*ssy, turning him into the ferocious Battle Cat.

Wizard:
Despite Cringer's reluctance and downright refusal to do so.

Boomstick:
He's kinda like the Michael Vick of cartoon heroes.

Wizard:
Granted, Battle Cat is a tremendous asset. He's so vicious it's implied that if he doesn't transform back into Cringer, he could go on an unstoppable rampage. After all, he *is* half tiger, half dragon.

Boomstick:
Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme!

[this is in response to Lion-O's body aging ten years, even though he did not grow up]

Boomstick:
Aww, we missed the cute kitty stage! [beat] Shut up! Kittens are adorable!

Wizard:
As a child, Lion-O barely escaped the destruction of his home planet Thundara. His father sent him to 3rd Earth with five Thundarian nobles to uphold the royal lineage.

Boomstick:
You know, I'm really gettin' tired of people ripping off Superman.

Wizard:
But the Kryptonian comparison stops there, as on route to 3rd Earth, a suspension capsule malfunctioned... or something, it's not really explained, caused his body to age ten years.

Wizard:
[about He-Man] He even shattered Photanium, the strongest metal in his universe, when even his closest friends believed it would be too much for him.

Boomstick:
And he traded blows with Superman. You know, that one guy who can lift entire planets and maybe killed your favorite person ever? [shows footage of the battle between Goku and Superman] That one.

Boomstick:
[about Lion-O] He wears the Claw Shield, an extremely durable claw... glove thing, with which in his first outing he effortlessly punched down a tree. Hey, that's just like how I catch squirrels for supper!

Wizard:
The Claw Shield may be small, but it's proven effective against blades, blows, and lasers. As a bonus, it has four grappling hooks, a smoke screen, and functions as a neat little scabbard for the Sword of Omens.

Boomstick:
But the Claw Shield can't protect him from everything.

Wizard:
While Lion-O is certainly quite sophisticated for an oversized thirteen-year-old man-kitten, he is still somewhat immature and hot-blooded.

Wizard:
Prince Adam is the pathetic, bumbling son to the royal family of Eternia.

[Prince Adam is seen running into a lamppost]

Boomstick:
[laughs] Dumbass.

Wizard:
Then one day, a bird-clad sorceress gave him the secret powers of Castle Grayskull, transforming him into He-Man, the most powerful Chippendale in the universe.

He-Man:
Fabulous secret powers were revealed to me the day I held aloft my magic sword and said, "By the power of Grayskull... I HAVE THE POWER!"

Boomstick:
Wait, wait, that's his origin story? He just thrust his sword up and down and yelled some random sh*t until he turned into a near-naked superhero?

Wizard:
Well, more like a cheap action figure.

Wizard:
[about He-Man] Despite his miraculous strength, he is not invincible. Enough raw force can revert him back to the far more vulnerable state of Prince Adam. He also despises violence, preferring to outsmart opponents, and thus has much less physical combat experience than you'd think.

Boomstick:
Still, he's pretty good at beating the ever-living crap out of people, no matter what planet or series he's on.

Wizard:
Left on the doorstep of a London mansion, the infant Isabella was adopted and raised by the noble house of Valentine.

Boomstick:
Little did they know she'd grow up to be this deadly dominatrix. Oh, daddy must be so proud.

Wizard:
Well, he's dead, so there's that. Both her father and mother died while searching for the legendary Soul Edge, leaving Isabella, or Ivy, as their sole legacy. Her only remaining parent is her birth father, the pirate Cervantes, who is a zombie... sometimes.

Boomstick:
Well, then, good call on the baby dumpster donation. Zombie pirates don't make good fathers. Believe me, I know.

Wizard:
What?

Wizard:
[about Ivy's sword, the Valentine] It is also sentient, with a mind of its own. Ivy accomplished this by summoning the hand of Nightmare, which breathed life into the sword.

Boomstick:
Wait, hold on. How does a hand breathe, exactly?

Wizard:
Of all I've talked about, THAT is what you question?

Wizard:
Orchid prefers speed over strength, with quick rapid strikes. Some moves even defy physics.

Boomstick:
What is she, some sort of witch?

Wizard:
Absolutely! Orchid's best weapon is her trove of spells. Most useful is the Fire Cat, a transfiguration spell which morphs her body into an intangible feline of flame.

Boomstick:
Aw, I wanna pet her! But I can't, 'cause... you know, the burning...

Wizard:
She also uses magic in her No Mercies, finishers which can be used after an enemy is weakened. When not using her tonfa to incinerate people, she can transform them into a helpless frog.

[in the game, Orchid turns an opponent into a frog]

Boomstick:
Smash 'em! Smash 'em! [Orchid jumps in the air and lands on the frog, squishing it] YES!

Wizard:
Since Nightmare is Soul Edge personified, this ironically joined Ivy's own fate to the very abomination she seeks to destroy. Whoops.

Boomstick:
I'd like to join Ivy's fate, if you know what I'm saying!

Wizard:
This curse bounded Ivy's blood to the immortal Soul Edge so thoroughly her body actually stopped aging.

Boomstick:
Um, actually, Wiz, what I think is happening here is that her age is getting stored in her enormous rack. I mean, they just keep getting bigger and bigger as time goes by!

Wizard:
Well, you never know with magic.

Wizard:
[about Orchid] She has one more weapon in her arsenal. Or rather, two.

Boomstick:
Her Fun Bags of Destruction! And you just thought I was being a pig earlier, but really whipping out the girls causes an instant heart attack to whoever views them.

[in the game, Orchid opens up her vest to reveal her breasts to an opponent, who then falls over dead]

Boomstick:
I now know the way I want to die.

Wizard:
I never thought I'd see a lethal set of mammary glands.

Boomstick:
But you'd think it'd only work on people, right? Nope! Her super-b*obs can kill humans, robots, aliens, a dinosaur, and even a walking skeleton who's missing the one bone that matters.

Wizard:
There is only one possible explanation for this. Her breasts must be so impossibly, unnaturally large that no brain can process the shock of seeing them. Even while female brains are immune to the sexual shock, they will grudgingly forfeit out of jealousy.

Boomstick:
[chuckles] Oh, she'll be crying into a tub of ice cream tonight.

Wizard:
The government spy code-named Black Orchid is a complete mystery. Her past, training and real name are so secret not even she knows most of it.

Boomstick:
How the hell does that work?

Wizard:
What we do know is, she's a killer. Among her limited history, she is confirmed to be sister to Jago, a prominent fighter from Tibet. Orchid's origin must share similarities, so she is most likely a practitioner of Chinese martial arts such as kung fu.

Boomstick:
Orchid's weapons of choice are heavy Chinese tonfa... MADE OF LASERS!

Wizard:
Apparently whoever she works for has figured out how to make light sabers, and Orchid wielded these early in her career before upgrading to laser tonfa.

Boomstick:
Tonfa are short and strong, designed for quick damage, perfect for Orchid since she is incredibly skilled in fast, close-range combat.

Wizard:
Ivy is skilled with all her sword's forms, but long-range combat is her bread and butter. She is very good at controlling the battlefield with wide whip swings, powerful kicks, and precision strikes.

Boomstick:
I mean, let's be honest, who would really want to use that thing as a normal sword?

Wizard:
[about Ivy] She has spent most of her life seeking and destroying anything remotely related to Soul Edge, innocent or otherwise, which would eventually include herself, when all is said and done. But despite having one of Soul Calibur's deadliest move sets, she has a rather spotty win/loss record.

Boomstick:
Don't they make pads for that?

Boomstick:
[about Orchid] Her other set of weapons are called T.N.A.

Wizard:
Well, actually...

Boomstick:
I mean, just look at what she's wearing! It's not as if she trying to hide anything. Man, I wish I was that jumpsuit.

Wizard:
[finishing up the rundown on Ivy] She has defeated countless foes and accomplished impressive feats.

Boomstick:
Like kicking a point-blank bullet out of the air! Damn, that's fast!

Wizard:
Well, more so insanely accurate instinct. Presumably, she's using the weight of her above-average-sized breasts as momentum to increase her speed.

Boomstick:
If that's a real martial art, I'm going to find it and then teach it.

Wizard:
Ivy is a warrior who uses everything at her disposal.

Wizard:
Black Orchid entered the first Killer Instinct tournament, intent to take down the evil UltraTech corporation from within.

Boomstick:
While she had some trouble with ranged characters, she eventually defeated the 2,000-year-old, and might I add, CHEAP-AS-HELL warlord Eyedol, winning her the whole tournament.

Wizard:
Orchid is clearly a force to be reckoned with.

Wizard:
When it comes to the tantalizing femme fatale, these two combatants are the pinnacle of beauty and brawn, not to mention well-endowed.

Boomstick:
Ivy from "Soul Calibur"...

Wizard:
And...

Boomstick:
[interrupting] Black Orchid from "Killer Instinct"! Sorry, I'm excited!

[Orchid defeated Ivy by turning her into a frog with her tonfa and then squishing her by jumping on her]

Boomstick:
I feel sorry for the guy who has to clean that up.

Wizard:
Orchid's an unstoppable force. Her win against Eyedol proves her incredible fighting abilities. See, 2,000 years ago, not even the most powerful armies in the world could take down Eyedol, and yet Orchid did so singlehandedly.

Boomstick:
But since Ivy's jugs are so wonderfully huge, Orchid's flash finisher was meaningless.

Wizard:
Ivy's cup size is officially charted as G or quadruple-D. By measuring Orchid's waist and chest to scale, it appears hers are sized F, or triple-D, one size smaller than Ivy's.

Boomstick:
Oh, I have an extra "D" I could have given her.

Wizard:
Too late. Besides, the fight ultimately came down to long-range versus short-range combat. While Orchid has no equivalent to Ivy's Snake Sword, her Fire Cat can get in close by passing through attacks.

Boomstick:
And tonfa are designed to block attacks and get in close. Once Orchid's in, there's no stopping her.

Wizard:
Plus, Ivy has no means of countering Orchid's transfigurations. Even her link to Soul Edge is useless, since it does not pertain to other magic.

Boomstick:
It was a good fight, but in the end, Ivy croaked.

Wizard:
The winner is Black Orchid.

Boomstick:
You know what I hate more than stupid tween pop stars? [a mushroom cloud explosion is shown] ABSOLUTELY GODDAMN NOTHING!

Wizard:
[about Justin Bieber] His premature fame has prompted a vast line of merchandise, ranging from lunch boxes, squiggly straws, t-shirts and a perfume line that is shaped like...

Boomstick:
A vagina!

Wizard:
...Right. But that's not the strangest of his products. A lock of his hair once sold for $40,000.

Boomstick:
WHAT? No! Goddamn it, that is the biggest waste of money I have ever heard of!

Wizard:
True, unless they're planning to clone him.

Boomstick:
No, that's even worse! Why would anyone want more than one of this musical abomination roaming this planet?

Rebecca Black:
I hope you cut yourself, and I hope you get an eating disorder so you'll look pretty.

Wizard:
Rebecca Black's mother paid $4,000 to have ARK Music Factory create a music video starring her daughter. The single "Friday" received more than 160,000,000 views in mere months, making Rebecca a viral star for what is considered the worst song ever made.

Boomstick:
For $4,000, I can come up with a better song than that crap!

Wizard:
[about Justin Bieber] Despite all the crap he gets, he still gets on stage to give a show.

Boomstick:
A horrible, horrible life-scarring show. [the clip from "CSI", with Bieber getting gunned down is shown]

Wizard:
Feel better?

Boomstick:
[chuckles] Yep.

Wizard:
In 2007, Justin Bieber was discovered by marketing executive Scooter Braun by complete accident. Under the tutelage of his mentor, Usher Raymond, IV, Bieber spent a year training before becoming the biggest teen hit since Hannah Montana.

Boomstick:
Why? Why is he so popular?

Wizard:
His single titled "Baby" is the most viewed video on YouTube with nearly 600,000,000 hits.

Boomstick:
I mean, it's just a kid singing out-of-tune songs, saying "Girl" and "Baby" over and over again!

Wizard:
[about Rebecca Black] Though Black is an early riser, she seems to have an extreme case of ADHD. She cannot focus on one thing for very long. While waiting for the bus to go to school, she completely forgot what she was doing and wound up going to a party with her friends after seeing them drive by, skipping class in the process.

Boomstick:
[about the person driving the car] Whoa! That kid looks way too young to be driving!

Wizard:
She is also incredibly indecisive. She can't even figure out where to sit.

Boomstick:
But when she finally makes up her mind, she makes the worst possible choice.

Wizard:
Instead of sitting in the car like a normal person, she stands in the back seat, even while "cruising down the highway". Keep in mind, the average speed limit of a highway in the Unites States is 60 MPH.

Boomstick:
This chick is crazy!

Wizard:
Imagine right now, what does the apocalyptic destroyer of worlds look like?

Boomstick:
Stop thinking, because you're wrong.

Wizard:
[about Majin Buu] Buu has existed since the dawn of time, but was only discovered five million years ago by the nefarious wizard, Bibidi. Bibidi released Majin Buu on a helpless universe, intent on destroying everything. After annihilating hundreds of planets, Bibidi set his sights on Earth, sending Buu ahead in a sealed capsule just waiting to be released.

Boomstick:
But then Bibidi got himself killed before he could get to Earth and release the pink terror. But no worries, the weird lizard-wizard-thing had a back-up plan in the form of a magic clone named Babidi. Yes, clone, not son, that was a mistranslation. So, Bibidi, Babidi and Buu.

[sings]

Boomstick:
Put 'em together and what do you get?

Wizard:
A Disney lawsuit.

Boomstick:
Anyway, the doppelganger Babidi set out on a quest to recover Buu and complete Bibidi's plan.

Wizard:
Eventually, Babidi found Buu and opened the monster's shell. But, turns out there was a... slight defect and Buu was... uummm...

Boomstick:
A complete idiot.

Majin Buu:
Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-hoo!

Wizard:
Over a thousand years ago, an epic war waged throughout the universe. The legendary Star Warriors battled against the vile Nightmare for the freedom of everything that ever was. Ultimately, good prevailed, but at the cost of many, many lives. Yet one infant Star Warrior escaped the carnage, destined to awaken a millennium later and save the galaxy. His name... is Kirby. [record scratches]

Kirby:
Hi-i-i-i!

Boomstick:
Wait, what? The cute cuddly pink puffball who lives in Happyland? Are you sure you're reading the right back story?

Wizard:
Yes! He crash landed on Popstar, the most confusingly-shaped planet ever, and has been defending the kingdom of Dream Land ever since.

Boomstick:
But look at him! He's just so adorable and cuddly. He couldn't hurt a fly.

Wizard:
Kirby is a ravenous cannibal who thrives on the blood of mass murder.

Boomstick:
Holy sh*t!

Wizard:
He may not look it, but Kirby is a powerhouse. He possesses incredible strength, speed, durability and an arsenal stranger than an average day in Florida.

Boomstick:
His trademark power is his inhale ability, which sucks almost everything in with a powerful vortex. With it, he can clear out everything from a quick meal to an acre of forest in a matter of seconds.

Wizard:
Plus, Kirby's body is malleable, allowing him to stretch his mouth and inhale larger objects, though he does have trouble wrapping his mouth around extremely large and heavy things.

Boomstick:
LIKE MY DI - !

Wizard:
[interrupting] Kirby weighs practically nothing, allowing him to inflate his body and fly like a sentient balloon. He can traverse the skies, and outer space, by using his own personal vehicle, the Warp Star.

Boomstick:
Which he can call up at any time on speed dial. No, really, he uses a cell phone. Somebody get me that number! I tried 1-800-PINK-RIDE, but it was something else...

Wizard:
The Warp Star is Kirby's primary means of transportation through the universe, and can travel at speeds faster than light. It is forged of Kirby's own energy, so, while delicate, should it be destroyed, Kirby can easily create a new one on his own, making the cell phone kind of pointless.

Boomstick:
I'd be happy to take that phone off his hands, though I'm a bit iffy on standing anywhere near that star-driving balloon marshmallow. Look at him! He doesn't even care! He's a monster!

Wizard:
It's about to get even worse: guess what just happened to that poor creature? See, when Kirby swallows a victim, they don't exactly die. Turns out Kirby's stomach, is, in fact, an entirely separate and endless dimension of reality.

Boomstick:
So he never feels full. Talk about getting your money's worth at an all-you-can-eat-buffet, though.

Wizard:
Kirby can trap thousands of victims in this abyss. Then, he can actually enter his own stomach dimension and draw from his captive's power using his copy ability.

Boomstick:
How in the hell? Does he, like, swallow himself?

Wizard:
He likely projects an astral image of himself within the dimension, which can act on the physical plain.

Wizard:
Kirby is remarkably tough. He's powerful enough to crack a planet in half, fast enough to run on water, and strong enough to throw a monster thirty times his size, on a frying pan, all the way to the sun, circle the burning star, and return to Kirby's feet, with the perfectly cooked monster.

Boomstick:
I think that might be the most ridiculous feat we've ever seen on Death Battle. But he's not just strong, he's so tough that he was barely fazed after being crushed under thousands of tons of pressure, and effortlessly survived an explosion massive enough to eclipse the entire world.

Wizard:
He's achieved all of this despite being only eight inches tall.

Boomstick:
See? It's not the size of the monster, it's how he throws a F***ING HUMUNGOUS FRYING PAN INTO THE SUN AND BACK!

Wizard:
Well, Kirby does have one crucial flaw: he's a baby, and has yet to fully mature as a Star Warrior.

Boomstick:
Yeah, he's not too bright, so he's not gonna be whipping up any genius strategies mid-fight. Fortunately, he's powerful enough to get away with it. Kirby is the most adorably terrifying thing in the world.

Wizard:
Buu is the equivalent of a man-sized toddler with the power of a billion nuclear warheads.

Boomstick:
Talk about your terrible twos. Buu has a ridiculous arsenal for killing worlds: he can fly, shoot lasers, destroy cities by breathing too hard, and can fire a beam from his head-penis that can turn people into candy.

Wizard:
Boomstick, it's not his genitals, it's his... well... actually, I don't know what it is. Which brings me to his strangest ability, his whole body in general. Whatever he's made of, it's magic in nature. Buu's whole body can be pulled, stretched, or even ripped apart with no negative effects.

Boomstick:
He can even pull entire slabs from his belly and use his own flesh as a weapon. Ah, this is just keeps getting stranger and stranger.

Wizard:
Yes, and he apparently does feel pain, though it seems to please him. Like some sort of combat masochist. Fortunately, his body can regenerate almost instantly.

Boomstick:
He can be blasted to smithereens and reform himself in seconds. He's practically invincible.

Wizard:
In a universe chock full of planet busters, Majin Buu is one of the strongest. He's destroyed entire galaxies by systematically obliterating each planet one by one over time.

Boomstick:
He's defeated most of Dragonball Z's most powerful characters, including Vegeta, Gotenks, and Gohan.

Wizard:
He one-shot the king of the demon realm, and easily bested the Supreme Kais.

Boomstick:
Who are like the gods of other gods, so needless to say, Buu is pretty frickin' strong.

Wizard:
But he's also extremely cocky, caring little about strategy or personal safety, and while his regenerative ability seems to make him indestructible, Buu is one of the only Dragonball characters who's body has been visibly affected by ordinary bullets.

Boomstick:
And while being able to destroy planets, his body's not tough enough to take the explosion, forcing him to regenerate from a mass of pink particles.

Wizard:
Despite having the mind of a child and the body of Play-Doh, Majin Buu might just be the deadliest villain in Dragonball history.

Boomstick:
Anyway, with the Copy ability, Kirby's form and power change based on what he's eating. By devouring an enemy with a mallet, he can become Hammer Kirby, a master of whack-a-mole!

Wizard:
Fire Kirby can unleash a torrent of flame and survive all manner of heat. Ice Kirby can freeze his foes solid. Wheel Kirby is fast enough to drive around the entire kingdom of Dream Land in under two seconds, though who knows how he can see where he's going.

Boomstick:
There's Mike Kirby, who singing talent is apparently so awful, everything that hears it dies.

[Mike Kirby is seen singing, causing several monsters to explode]

Boomstick:
Like Wiz at karaoke night with the ladies.

Wizard:
Yea... HEY!

Boomstick:
Stone Kirby is nearly indestructible, and Sword Kirby is a master with a blade. He can even fire sword beams, which can cut through anything without mercy. DAMN! But that's not all. He can pour a ton of energy into the blade, and make it grow into the powerful Ultra Sword.

Wizard:
Fighter Kirby is a master martial artist. And by inhaling a Miracle Fruit, he becomes Hyper Nova Kirby, capable of devouring worlds. Last but not least, by absorbing his own Warp Star, Kirby can create his ultimate weapon, the Star Rod, a magical staff powered by dreams and capable of destroying evil... and most of the moon.

Boomstick:
The only problem with Kirby's copy ability is, they don't last. One bad hit, and there it goes.

Wizard:
Buu can mimic any Ki attack after seeing it in action only once. This is how he learned Goku's Kamehameha wave and Supreme Kai's Instantaneous Movement teleport. But his copying prowess goes even further. He can physically absorb other people, transforming his mind and body.

Boomstick:
[seeing Buu absorb Gotenks] That's the most disturbing thing I've ever seen.

Wizard:
Each version of Buu has a different personality, based on whom he's absorbed. Fat Buu is cheerful and childlike, due to absorbing the carefree Grand Supreme Kai. But then there's his original and most dangerous form, Kid Buu.

Boomstick:
He's so tiny! He's like a little kid in MC Hammer pants. This can't seriously be his deadliest form.

Wizard:
Kid Buu is pure rage incarnate. He can get so angry, he's capable of tearing holes in the fabric of reality just by screaming.

Boomstick:
Or, if he's fed up with whatever planet he's on, he'll just blow it to bits with his Planet Burst attack.

Boomstick:
They're two of the most iconic swordsmen in video game history, known for taking on things way out of their league.

Wizard:
Link, the champion of Hyrule...

Boomstick:
And Cloud Strife, guardian of the Lifestream... and orphans.

Wizard:
Since both combatants use such vast player-customizable arsenals, in this scenario, they will wield what they are most comfortable taking into battle.

Boomstick:
They use the weapons they choose to take into their fighting games. However, since standard skills, weapon traits and armor aren't specified in Dissidia and Smash, we're taking those from their whole story.

Wizard:
And remember, in Death Battle, there is no outside help allowed.

Boomstick:
Aww, but Boomstick, they have summons and they're cool, and fairies, and their... SHUT UP! It's our show and this is the the way we do it!

Wizard:
Link is the legendary multi-incarnate hero of the Hyrule Kingdom. Humble and brave, he has battled the forces of evil for over ten generations.

Boomstick:
Each fairy hero is LINKED, ha-ha, to each other...

Wizard:
No, Boomstick, he's not a fairy.

Boomstick:
Pointy ears, tights, magic, and look at that hair! Fairy!

Wizard:
Each incarnation of Link bears the Spirit of the Hero, bestowing the unbreakable will and combat prowess of each previous owner.

Wizard:
Cloud Strife, guardian of the Lifestream, is no ordinary swordsman.

Boomstick:
There's no way around it. He's a f***ing super soldier, but damn, he's in desperate need of a haircut.

Boomstick:
[about Link] Since he's got over ten links of learning to work with, he's an expert with tons of weapons and magic, especially his iconic Master Sword.

Wizard:
This double-edged blade was forged by the goddess Hylia to slay powerful demons. It repels evil and deflects light-based magic.

Boomstick:
And when Link's in top shape, he can shoot beam thingies out of it. Why this changes when he takes a hit, I don't understand, but hey, LASERS!

Wizard:
When low on energy, the Master Sword can still launch the Skyward Strike by calling upon power from above. In addition, it utilizes three magical medallions.

Wizard:
Impulsive and moody, Cloud strove to join the illustrious Shinra organization. Instead, he was forcefully exposed to Mako poisoning, a raw energy drained from the planet itself.

Boomstick:
And somehow it gave him all the memories of his dead buddy, Zack, including his First Class Soldier training. Thanks, convenient planet poison.

Wizard:
That's not all Cloud inherited from his friend. His main weapon is Zack's Buster Sword, a colossal single-edged blade. With his strength, Cloud can swing this much faster than any normal human.

Boomstick:
Holy sh*t! Look at it! That's a man's sword right there.

Wizard:
The Master Sword is far from Link's only weapon.

Boomstick:
He's got some deep pockets. He somehow carries around a boomerang and tons of bombs, along with a hookshot which helps him zip line his way around and brings things to him. Man, that really would've helped to get that last beer all those times on the couch. Probably still be married.

Wizard:
Doubt it.

Wizard:
The Buster Sword contains two slots for materia, condensed Mako that grants magical abilities. However, since their creation damages the planet, Cloud has limited his materia use.

Boomstick:
He typically carries the Firaga materia, which shoots fire at things. And in the last slot, we're giving Cloud his most iconic materia, Thundaga. This materia can shoot electricity and summon lightning bolts.

Wizard:
Cloud has an encyclopedia's worth of anger issues, which actually works to his advantage. He can channel his rage into extremely powerful Limit Break attacks.

Boomstick:
These emo-charged Limit Breaks range from paralyzing foes with Cross-Slash to launching meteors from his sword. But his deadliest is the Omnislash, a move so fast and powerful, it practically guarantees victory.

Wizard:
[continuing to describe Link's arsenal] Link is an excellent archer, and uses the Hero's Bow in conjunction with several different arrow types. However, much of Link's arsenal is more suited to exploration than combat.

Boomstick:
Which is why he hides behind several layers of defense, like the Red Ring, which reduces injury by 75%.

Wizard:
The Golden Gauntlets brace his arms against intense pressure, though do not increase striking power. He also carries three different pairs of boots.

Boomstick:
Three, huh? Told you he's a fairy.

Wizard:
The Iron Boots weigh 130 pounds, the Hover Boots float in midair, and the Pegasus Boots with attached Roc's Feather increase Link's speed and agility to superhuman levels.

Boomstick:
But his best defense is the Hylian Shield.

Wizard:
Originally crafted by the thunder dragon Lanayru, the Hylian Shield is completely indestructible.

Boomstick:
Link also has a little help from the goddesses, via the Triforce of Courage. This tiny golden triangle embodies his ability to beat overwhelming odds.

Wizard:
As he doesn't carry any other materia, Cloud obviously wears Ziedrich armor. While this magical band has zero materia slots, it grants the wearer an extraordinary amount of defense, and halves damage received from elemental, magical and physical effects.

Boomstick:
Also, Cloud wears a ribbon, which makes him immune to all status effects like burns and stuns. Well, I guess that makes it worth wearing a freakin' chick accessory.

Wizard:
[about Link] He is a puzzle solver, analyzing and exploiting his opponents' weaknesses even when there is only one possible means of winning. But while Link has the necessary tools to take on any opponent, his over-reliance of inventory over pure skill leaves him vulnerable.

Boomstick:
Still, anyone who can fight a guy three times his size, while wielding a sword twice as large as he is, is a badass in my book. With so many weapons and skills, there are few who can stand a chance against the Hero of Hyrule. Plus, if he dies, we can always just clap and bring him back to life.

Wizard:
HE'S NOT A FAIRY!

Wizard:
Cloud is brash and aggressive, but not the brightest fighter. He often relies on overpowering opponents through sheer ferocity and brute strength.

Boomstick:
Like a badass! You don't need to think too hard when you're strong enough to cut through freakin' skyscrapers. Cloud's singlehandedly taken down quite a few powerhouses, like the giant Bahamut SIN, and planet-busting Sephiroth. He's even been completely impaled and shrugged it off like it was nothing. Multiple times! I mean, look at this sh*t!

Wizard:
It's impossible to deny, Cloud's superhuman abilities make him one of the deadliest swordsmen in video game history.

Boomstick:
Even if he looks like a girl.

[Link had defeated Cloud]

Boomstick:
Whoa! Chalk one up for the fairy guy; that was awesome!

Wizard:
In what might be the closest duel in Death Battle history, Link's combination of arsenal and strategy were just enough to defeat Cloud's brute force.

Boomstick:
Not to mention, his items helped him match Cloud's superhuman abilities.

Wizard:
Cloud may be powerful, but Link's Golden Gauntlets were stronger. In "Ocarina of Time", Link used them to lift - and THROW - an enormous column of granite. As granite weighs 166 pounds per square foot, this means Link can withstand over a thousand tons of pressure, surviving any of Cloud's assaults.

Boomstick:
Cloud should've had his mind on more than just the Master Sword.

Wizard:
The winner is Link.

Wizard:
After clobbering Koopas, besting Bowser, and saving the princess, who gets all the credit?

Boomstick:
Mario, of course, leaving his lanky brother with rejected sloppy seconds.

Wizard:
No doubt, Luigi has it rough. Despite being born as one of the seven star children destined for greatness, it's not easy being second fiddle to the most popular character in video game history. Yet he doesn't seem to mind. Like a good sidekick, Luigi exists only to help Mario, never asking for his own slice of the cake.

Boomstick:
So he's pretty much a slave.

Wizard:
In a way, but this devotion makes him the perfect teammate, helping to save the Mushroom Kingdom time and time again.

Boomstick:
What did Mario do to him to make him so obedient? He's gotta have some serious dirt from their childhood.

Wizard:
Born the very same day Dr. Eggman began his robot powered takeover of the world, Miles Prower...

Boomstick:
[interrupting, laughing] I get it! Miles Per Hour! Creativity like that is why Sega is still making consoles.

Wizard:
[clears throat] Miles was awkwardly born with two tails. Mere minutes after being welcomed into the world, Eggman's deadly forces made Miles Prower an orphan.

Boomstick:
Whoa, that's... that's pretty f***ed up.

Wizard:
Eight years later, and after some much needed counseling, Miles stumbled upon a broken-down biplane and happily repaired the whole vehicle on his own.

Boomstick:
Well, of course. Just like all walking, talking, adolescent, two-tailed foxes can. Anyway, as it turns out, that plane happened to belong to Miles' personal idol, Sonic the Hedgehog. Why Sonic needed a plane in the first place is beyond me, but whatever.

Wizard:
It was Sonic who first suggested that Miles' birth defects could be used to fly by spinning them like helicopter blades, which is obviously impossible because it could never create lift and...

[as he says this, he sees footage of Miles flying using his two tails]

Wizard:
WHAT?

Boomstick:
And so, Sonic gave his rotary ass the oh-so-obvious nickname he deserved: Tails.

Wizard:
Well, that's stupid. That's like if you were nicknamed "Boomstick" because you just like shotguns.

Boomstick:
Don't be f***ing ridiculous, Wizard.

Wizard:
Luigi may take subordination to an extreme, but he's no pushover. In fact, he's not only taller than Mario, but also faster and more athletic. He can jump over six feet higher. Plus, after studying Yoshi's superb jumping ability, Luigi developed his own variant of the dinosaur's floating technique, the Scuttle Jump.

Boomstick:
His abilities don't end with the mid-air hustle, Luigi has plenty of powerful attacks, each of which, if pulled off perfectly, increase their damage for quick K.O.s: the spinning Luigi Cyclone, the rocketing Green Missile, and the Super Jump Punch, which can send his foe up into the air so high, they never come back down.

[cut to a clip of a "Super Smash Bros." game, in which Luigi sneaks up behind Jigglypuff and delivers a Super Jump Punch, launching Jigglypuff into the air]

Wizard:
Tails is a genius and a master mechanic.

Boomstick:
He's so much smarter than Sonic that he actually learned how to swim.

Wizard:
He has built several planes and combat mechs and has numerous gadgets on hand, like the Projectile Ring, which can pull or latch onto objects, almost like a grappling hook.

Boomstick:
But despite being a super geek, he really likes to blow sh*t up. He carries a huge supply of bombs: big bombs, napalm bombs, remote bombs, flash-bang grenades, bombs shaped like magic rings, bombs shaped like mice, bombs shaped like your mother, you name it, he's got a bomb like it.

Wizard:
[about Luigi] He has numerous power-ups at his disposal, including his trusty hammer and the Vanish Power Flower, which makes him invisible and intangible. Luigi could be next to you... watching you... right now.

Boomstick:
AAGH! Stop that!

Boomstick:
Besides flight, Tails' copter butt blades are strong enough to bust metal, and he can use them like a turbine of an engine to keep up with Sonic's super fast speeds. He can almost reach the speed of sound.

Wizard:
Tails pledged himself to Sonic's freedom fighting cause against Dr. Eggman, and the two became friends, almost like brothers. They also share a sort of teacher-student relationship, though it wasn't always clear who was the student.

Boomstick:
It was Tails who invented the famous Spin Dash, not the speedy hedgehog.

Boomstick:
[about Luigi] He was trained by the Thunder God himself in the powerful Thunder Hand technique. With this he can shoot lightning at his foes or at deadly soccer balls.

Wizard:
And after spending so much time in Mario's shadow, Luigi has somehow gained the ability to manipulate some sort of negative energy.

Boomstick:
Remember when Mario Bros. was about running around and jumping on turtles? Anyway, you were saying something about physics breaking time energy or whatever?

Wizard:
Luigi's Negative Zone can devastate a nearby opponent. Its effects are random, but unavoidable, ranging from sudden dizziness to uncontrollable tripping over absolutely nothing.

Wizard:
[about Tails] He also wields the Magic Hand, a long-range comical punching weapon, and the Energy Ball arm cannon.

Boomstick:
Which is ripped straight out of Mega Man! He built all this HIMSELF, but never a device to breath underwater. Kinda dropped the ball there, sidekick.

Boomstick:
When Luigi wants real firepower, he busts out the Poltergust 5000, a handy vacuum cleaner which can somehow kill ghosts. It can KILL that which is already DEAD.

Wizard:
He ain't afraid of no ghosts.

[a ghost appears behind Luigi, frightening him]

Wizard:
Scratch that, he's afraid of all ghosts, bugs, water, flowers, the sun. Luigi is a coward and doesn't even try to hide it. Granted, his fears are usually justified... usually.

Boomstick:
He's also pretty clumsy, which you'd think would make a terrible combination. But like the Chinese Drunken Master style, Luigi harnesses awkwardness to make himself even more vicious. He's more powerful than he seems, murdering Goombas and Koopas by the hundreds every day.

Wizard:
Unlike Sonic's speed-blitzing battling style, Tails relies on logic and tactics in a fight. His Shield Bot fortifies his defenses and his Medibot heals wounds over time.

Boomstick:
But he's a total wimp. He can't fly forever, and if he doesn't have Sonic around to hold his hand, he's scared of pretty much everything. After a good thunderclap, you'll find him shivering his spiny ass off in the bathtub.

Wizard:
Well, he is only eleven years old, and the feats he's accomplished at his age are beyond impressive, like being able to run 100 mph without his tails, stopping a nuclear missile, and saving the MULTIVERSE by transforming into... Uh...

Boomstick:
Don't do steroids kids.

Wizard:
Luigi has defeated Dimentio, discovered the Grand Final Galaxy, raised a ravenous man-eating dinosaur, and even rescued Mario from certain doom on three separate occasions. The Green Thunder can pretty much do it all.

Boomstick:
Luigi is one mean, green, fighting machine.

Wizard:
With the dragon slain and the princess rescued, the hero revels in gold, glory and cake.

Boomstick:
But they couldn't have done it without a little help.

Wizard:
The sidekick. The people's champion would be lost without his player 2, such as Luigi, Mario's younger brother...

Boomstick:
...and Tails the fox, Sonic's deformed flying stalker.

Wizard:
Now we have already proven that standard Mario and Sonic series power-ups perfectly counter each other, so, to not waste time, we're giving these second strings only what is unique to them.

[Tails has defeated Luigi]

Boomstick:
Well, there goes the Year of Luigi.

Wizard:
While Luigi technically has more combat experience and has survived being Nintendo's whipping boy, Tails' skills and arsenal was more than the green capped plumber can handle.

Boomstick:
His training with Sonic makes him faster and his superior mobility gave him complete control over the battlefield.

Wizard:
Also, he has an outrageous I.Q. of 300, which is about as much as Albert Einstein and Stephen Hawking combined.

Boomstick:
Hell, Tails is stronger, too. He can move ten tons, while Luigi struggles to lift a large radish.

Wizard:
And Tails' gadgets more than make up for any of his weaknesses.

Boomstick:
Looks like Luigi was outfoxed.

Wizard:
The winner is Miles "Tails" Prower.

Wizard:
Every generation has idolized a sci-fi hero.

Boomstick:
Like Luke Skywalker, legacy of the Jedi...

Wizard:
And Harry Potter, the boy who lived.

Wizard:
As the orphaned son of Darth Vader, Luke Skywalker carries the blood of the most powerful Sith Lord ever known. He was raised by his aunt and uncle, who kept him safe by disguising his true powers before being taught by a wise old mentor in the ways of the Force.

Boomstick:
Luke's weapon of choice is the lightsaber, a combination of my two favorite killing tools: swords and lasers.

Wizard:
Despite having little formal training, Luke advanced in lightsaber combat much faster than any other Jedi.

Boomstick:
He even took down a freakin' TIE fighter with it, only a month after he blew up the Death Star. What a badass!

Wizard:
As an orphan, Harry Potter carries the talents of the most powerful dark wizard ever known: Lord Voldemort. He was raised by his aunt and uncle, who kept him safe by disguising his true power before being taught by a wise old mentor in the ways of magic.

Boomstick:
Now why does that sound familiar?

Wizard:
Harry wields an 11" phoenix core holly wand. He has learned many spells and is exceptionally skilled in charms.

Boomstick:
His trademark attack is the disarming charm, Expelleraptamus... or whatever.

Wizard:
Expelliarmus.

Boomstick:
Which can either knock a weapon away or throw the opponent through the air.

Wizard:
The Confundus charm temporarily confuses the target, Stupefy stuns people, and the shield charm protects Harry from all attacks.

Boomstick:
And he can summon anything he wants to him with Accio.

[clears throat]

Boomstick:
Accio money! Accio loose women! Damn!

Wizard:
[about Harry] His Firebolt is a racing broom that can reach 150 miles per hour in less than ten seconds.

Boomstick:
That's even faster than Wiz getting shot down by a woman!

Wizard:
Right! Wait, no!

Wizard:
Luke is a master of Form V - Djiem So, an aggressive combat stance with defensive postures, specializing in both perseverance and pressuring an opponent.

Boomstick:
Despite what you might think, the lightsaber isn't just for killing; it also works pretty damn well for defense.

Wizard:
Even so, Luke's most instrumental tool is his unrivaled connection to the Force. He can apply it in three aspects: Control, Sense, and Alter; controlling all aspects of the body, sensing and utilizing his surroundings, and altering the environment.

Boomstick:
Like the mind trick thingy! Oh man, the terrible things I would do with that.

Wizard:
When injured or exhausted, he can push his physical limits with the Force Body ability, and use flash burn to neglect pain until he can mend his wounds with force heal.

Boomstick:
Also, Luke uses the Force to move things with his mind, with almost no limits!

Wizard:
Finally, Luke can use Shatterpoint to identify any possible weakness or fracture in a subject. Add just a little pressure with the Force...

Boomstick:
And BOOM! They explode faster than a Firestone tire!

Wizard:
Harry is also experienced in curses. He destroys objects with Reducto, slashes enemies with Sectumsempra, and controls minds with Imperius.

Boomstick:
And then there's the Killing Curse... abracadabra.

Wizard:
Avada Kedavra.

Boomstick:
Oh. That magician wasn't trying to kill me. I guess I should probably go apologize to his family.

Wizard:
While Harry's never used the Killing Curse, it is implied that he can. It is an instant kill and unblockable.

Boomstick:
Unless it hits a wall... or a sword... or anything, really.

Wizard:
Almost all magic requires a line of sight and eye contact to perform. The Killing Curse is no exception.

Wizard:
Luke has defeated a wide variety of foes, ranging from stormtroopers to deadly Sith Lords, one of which Luke had to construct a second lightsaber to beat.

Boomstick:
His shorter red shoto saber was made to counter the Sith Lumious' lightwhip, and it worked pretty damn well.

Wizard:
He still carries it, though prefers a single blade over two-handed combat.

Boomstick:
Ha-ha... penis joke.

Boomstick:
Harry also knows appara... teleporting, and can do it without a wand.

Wizard:
His training in Occlumency defends his mind from any sort of mental attack or illusion.

Boomstick:
And he's got all sorts of other spells, but I seriously doubt the tickle charm's gonna help him much in the fight, so let's move on.

Wizard:
Harry owns the Cloak of Invisibility, an unrelenting Deathly Hallow that hides the wearer from sight and cannot be detected.

Boomstick:
Unless he makes a noise or pokes his foot out.

Boomstick:
Luke doesn't have an obvious weakness, aside from some pretty serious daddy issues. He doesn't carry a blaster, but unlike other stupid Jedi, he isn't afraid to use one.

Wizard:
While Luke is no fan of violence, he certainly will not pull any punches.

Wizard:
Harry is a quick draw with his wand and has performed many great feats at very young ages. He has also mastered non-verbal spells.

Boomstick:
By the time he was 17, he was beating up way more experienced wizards. In the battle for Hogwarts, he had no problem kicking a ton of Death Eater ass. Not to mention, Lord Voldemort himself.

Wizard:
Afterwards, Harry became head of the Dark Wizard-hunting Auror office, even though he is technically a Hogwarts dropout.

Boomstick:
He never did finish that seventh year, but I guess if you killed the lord of ultimate evil, you get a G.E.D.

[Luke has defeated Harry]

Boomstick:
Man, Harry did a surprisingly good job keeping Luke at a distance.

Wizard:
But Luke fought smart and tried to finish Harry off quickly with Force Persuasion, but Harry was able to resist thanks to occlumency.

Boomstick:
Then Luke used Force Choke to stop Harry from casting spells.

Wizard:
And although Luke can dodge the Avada Kedavra, the instantaneous Sectumsempra curse caught him off-guard. But with Shatterpoint, Luke discovered an exploitable flaw.

Boomstick:
That famous lightning bolt scar, which *forced* Harry to lose the battle.

Wizard:
The winner is Luke Skywalker.

Wizard:
[about Mario] Even as a baby, he was obviously destined for greatness.

Boomstick:
When you got an army of dinosaurs serving you before you can even speak, you know you're gonna do great things.

Wizard:
Mario has battled a larger variety of enemies than any other video game hero. Whether a foe is large or small, scary or goofy, dumb or deadly, nothing has ever proved too much for him.

Boomstick:
Except for keepin' track of his woman. She's always gettin' kidnapped and he's always showing up at the wrong castle. Somebody needs to throw a GPS tracking bracelet on that b*tch!

Wizard:
Sonic's most notable ability is his speed. He can easily break the sound barrier in mere seconds. While his top speed is unknown, he has clocked in an average of 765 mph.

Boomstick:
Holy crap! This guy must blow through shoes.

Wizard:
He can further increase his speed with his trademark figure-eight technique.

Boomstick:
[about Sonic] He's not just fast on his feet. He can curl up into a spiky ball and rip through his opponents with the spin attack.

Wizard:
His homing attack rockets toward an opponent and can hit multiple times.

Boomstick:
And with his spin dash, he can reach top speeds almost instantly. How does this guy not vomit?

Wizard:
[about Mario] He is well known for his incredible athleticism and unmatched jumping ability.

Boomstick:
Who says white guys can't jump?

Wizard:
[about Mario] His first powerup is the Fire Flower. With it, Mario obtains pyrokinetic abilities.

Boomstick:
Really? I always thought the flower was just really spicy.

Wizard:
[about Sonic] During his adventures, he has used a variety of different shields to improve his abilities. Each shield can deflect minor projectiles and have environmental advantages, though they will disintegrate after blocking a deadly blow.

Boomstick:
The Fire Shield can absorb, well, fire and heat, though it can't survive underwater. No sh*t. But with it, Sonic can use a fiery dash attack.

Wizard:
The Lightning Shield can't survive in aquatic environments either, but it gives Sonic a mid-air jump for further aerial control.

Boomstick:
And with the Bubble Shield, he can breathe underwater and control his jumps with a powerful bounce. Why do we keep mentioning water, you may ask? 'Cause he can't freakin' swim!

Boomstick:
While Sonic's always risking his life saving the world from all kinds of dangerous robots and demigods, he's kind of a dick.

Wizard:
Sonic is cocky, arrogant and addicted to action. He gets cranky and unstable when he's cooped up for too long.

Boomstick:
And if you ignore him, he'll straight up leave you!

Wizard:
But despite his rough personality, he'll do whatever it takes to save the day.

Wizard:
[about Mario] He can create and manipulate fire to produce a variety of devastating attacks.

Boomstick:
He's also got this frog suit thingy. While wearing it, Mario can jump even higher, swim even faster, and breathe underwater. The only problem is no one's really gonna take him seriously wearing that thing. Ha ha! Ah, look at him!

Wizard:
[continuing to describe Mario's power-ups] Several different power-ups have granted Mario flight before, but none as well as the Cape Feather. With it, Mario can fly for an unprecedented amount of time.

Boomstick:
The Metal Cap turns Mario's entire body into indestructible living steel! But while Metal Mario's extremely heavy, his strength and speed are boosted, giving him ten times more power and just as much agility as before.

Wizard:
The Starman envelops Mario into a blinding aura of compressed energy, granting increased speed and complete invulnerability for a short time. Touching a normal enemy in this state will instantly kill the foe. And while it's not technically a power-up, Mario has a hammer that can crush almost ANYTHING.

Boomstick:
It seems like Mario's always popping 'shrooms to get more power. And with the Mega Mushroom, he gets GINORMOUS, mowin' down people, plants, environment, hell, everything!

Wizard:
[after describing Sonic's different shield power-ups] Sonic's ultimate power-up, however, isn't a shield at all. After absorbing thousands of power rings during his adventures, Sonic has become an embodiment of chaos. Using the power of the seven Chaos Emeralds, Sonic can tap into their incredible power and summon the form of Super Sonic.

Boomstick:
Super Sonic can fly, breathe underwater, and is completely invulnerable.

Wizard:
Not to mention his speed is increased a thousand fold.

Boomstick:
But as with most things that are unbelievably powerful, it has a time limit. Without a steady supply of power rings, it can't even last a full minute.

Wizard:
And when the form finally subsides, Sonic returns to normal at peak physical form, regardless of his condition prior to the transformation.

[Sonic had just completely vanquished Mario by kicking him down while he's out of breath from running and then spin-dashing the downed plumber's body, rendering him all bloody]

Boomstick:
Now THAT's what I call a Death Battle!

Wizard:
Their power-ups seemed evenly matched, countering blow for blow.

Boomstick:
Mario was even capable of countering the unstoppable Super Sonic!

Wizard:
But with their arsenals exhausted, Mario was no match for Sonic's natural speed. Even if they had used their lesser-known power-ups like the Ice Flower or Super Emeralds, there's no reason to say the result would be any different.

Boomstick:
Looks like Mario just couldn't keep up.

Wizard:
The winner is Sonic the Hedgehog.

Wizard:
Their rivalry is legendary and their fame unmatched. After battling for over two decades, this epic duel will finally meet a decisive end.

Boomstick:
I've been waiting for this forever!

Wizard:
Mario, the whimsical Italian plumber...

Boomstick:
...and Sonic, the hyperactive hedgehog.

Wizard:
[about Mario] He is fairly impulsive and not much of a strategist, preferring to quickly fight his way through problems before thinking things through.

Boomstick:
But that doesn't matter; Italy's greatest hero can power through anything!

Wizard:
Sonic the Hedgehog is the fastest thing alive, and a freedom fighter battling to save the world from the tyrannical Dr. Ivo Eggman Robotnik.

Boomstick:
He's not so bad for a tree-hugging hippie.

Wizard - Host:
In 1942, author Isaac Asimov introduced the Three Laws of Robotics, to protect man from their cybernetic creations.

Boomstick - Host:
And thank god he didn't include anything against robot-on-robot violence. The world would just be way less fun.

Wizard - Host:
Mega Man, the Blue Bomber.

Boomstick - Host:
And Astro Boy, the Atomic Wonder Child.

Wizard - Host:
In the year 200X, a new age of robotics was dawning, heralded by Dr. Thomas Light, and his partner, Dr. Albert Wily. Together, they planned to launch mankind into a new age of prosperity.

Boomstick - Host:
So, they made a bunch of Robot Masters to do things too dangerous for people, like cutting down trees, bringing down buildings, and... being cold.

Wizard - Host:
However, jealous of Dr. Light's increasing notoriety...

Boomstick - Host:
And beard-growing skills... Damn, look at that thing. I could take a nap in that sh*t.

Wizard - Host:
...Dr. Wily stole all of Light's robots and used them to try to take over the world.

Boomstick - Host:
All except two: Roll, a robo-girl built for housekeeping and sending feminism back to the '60s...

Wizard - Host:
...and Rock, Light's loyal lab assistant and surrogate son.

Boomstick - Host:
Wily would regret this mistake about ten times over... give or take.

Wizard - Host:
After watching his human father fall to ruin over Wily's betrayal, Rock stepped up to take on the burden of saving the world himself. But first, he would have to upgrade into the super fighting robot called Mega Man.

Wizard - Host:
In the futuristic year of 2003, tensions were escalating between mankind and the robots they built to serve under them. But one brilliant robotics engineer was dealing with a far more personal problem.

Boomstick - Host:
Like MOST scientists I know, Dr. Tenma paid more attention to his work than his family, especially his 13-year-old son: Tobio. Well, until little Toby decided to take their future car out for a spin and got himself killed. You better believe Pop started paying attention then.

Wizard - Host:
Filled with grief and regret, Tenma became desperate for a second chance at being a father.

Boomstick - Host:
But instead of doing it the old-fashioned and fun way, he called up all his robotic engineering nerd friends to build him a new son, they did and they called him... The Mighty Atom. But us Americans were like "F*CK THAT! Let's name him after the dog from 'The Jetsons'!" And so...

Wizard - Host:
Astro Boy assumed the role of Tenma's late son, even attending school and doing chores. Things were going well... until Tenma came to the realization that Astro would never truly replace Tobio. His resentment only grew every time he looked at the young robot's un-aging face.

Boomstick - Host:
So he came up with a brilliant plan: he sat down with his son, talked about his issues, and worked out all the resentment.

[laughs]

Boomstick - Host:
No, I'm just kidding; he sold his ass to the circus. Haha, stupid robot, you're property!

Wizard - Host:
Astro spent his time preforming until he was found and adopted by Dr. Ochanomizu, whose kindness inspired Astro to stand up for what's right and defend the world.

Boomstick - Host:
He's pretty good at it, too, mostly because Dad #1 was so scared of losing another son that he equipped this one with a shitload of weapons, like a finger laser and transforming arm cannons.

Wizard - Host:
Mega Man's new body is composed of Ceratanium, an alloy lighter and stronger than titanium, of course.

Boomstick - Host:
Think that's cool? Well, his hand can transform into a long-range cannon called the Mega Buster, a weapon so downright awesome, Rock named himself after it. Now, it may look like it just shoots lemons, but one shot can blow through a wall, and if he needs more power, Mega Man can charge it up for a devastating blast. Still not enough for you? All right, well, he can transform his other hand into a second Mega Buster and fire both of them at the same time. Sure, using that much power could overheat and even kill him, but, eh, what's life without a little risk and double the fire power?

Wizard - Host:
Astro Boy was built with seven amazing powers. He has jet-powered flight, flashlight eyes, the ability to translate more than sixty languages, instant discernment between good and evil, a hyper-intelligent electronic brain, ears one thousands times more sensitive than a human's...

Boomstick - Host:
And butt guns! No, really, he has two machine guns popping out of his pooper.

Wizard - Host:
While that may seem... unorthodox, Astro's rear-end retaliation serves as a handy surprise attack in battle.

Boomstick - Host:
Nobody suspects the butt guns. I mean nobody! Why would they?

Wizard - Host:
Mega Man's bread and butter is his Variable Weapons System. With it, he can wield any weapon he acquires, including those taken after defeating rogue Robot Masters.

Boomstick - Host:
Considering he's beaten over a hundred of them, that's a lot of weaponry! He can fire heat-seeking Dive Missiles, lock on target with Magnet Missiles, and even fire a swarm of hornets...? Who in the right mind would make robot hornets?

Wizard - Host:
His Metal Blades are buzzsaw bullets made from Ceratanium which can cut through almost anything, the Hard Knuckle is a fist that can break down walls, and the Mirror Buster returns energy projectiles back to sender.

Boomstick - Host:
But when he wants to bust out some real firepower, he has the Crash Bomb, a timed explosive which sticks to walls and enemies faster than the girl who says she loves you on the first date.

Wizard - Host:
And fully charged, his Atomic Fire has the potential to reach temperatures hotter than the surface of the sun.

Boomstick - Host:
He can stop time with the... Time Stopper, but can't use other weapons while it's active, and he can even create black holes!

Wizard - Host:
Well, sort of. A real black hole is fueled by consuming matter and evaporates only when all matter around it has been swallowed up. However, the black hole that Mega Man fires from his Black Hole Bomb have a definitive life span and can be sealed in concrete. It may not be a legitimate black hole, but it does create an extremely powerful and deadly vacuum.

Boomstick - Host:
So does Roll! He's also got Rush, who's like the best dog ever! You never have to feed him, he never shits on your couch, and he turns into a sweet-ass set of armor called the Super Adaptor.

Wizard - Host:
Sure, wearing the Super Adaptor means Mega Man forfeits all his Special Weapons, but in exchange he gets a massive boost in physical strength, the ability to fly, and he can fire his fists like rockets.

Boomstick - Host:
Astro also possesses 100,000 horsepower strength, and can break concrete without even trying, or tunnel through solid rock with ease.

Wizard - Host:
But his most fascinating aspect is his skin. Derived from an artificially-created super-plastic, Astro's body is tough enough to survive everything from the depths of the ocean to a dip in the sun.

Boomstick - Host:
Plus, he's a versatile fighter. He's taken on water-stealing aliens, dogs turned into human robots stealing diamonds from the moon, and a robot named Satan that shot lasers out of his nipples. I can't make this up.

Wizard:
Superheroines. Millions have been drawn to these modern myths of comic book lore.

Boomstick:
Or you could, uh, just be *drawn* to the way they're drawn.

Wizard:
To the uneducated nerd, Wonder Woman may seem a cheap clone of Superman.

Boomstick:
With superboobies!

Wizard:
But in reality, she's a whole different story. Created from earth, born by gods, trained by ancient warriors...

Boomstick:
Maker of Wonder Bread! Designer of the Wonderbra!

Wizard:
Boomstick, that's not true!

Boomstick:
See, I can do it too, Wiz!

Wizard:
Wonder Woman is the incredibly powerful and near invincible ambassador of Themyscira, and self-appointed protector of the Earth.

Boomstick:
And she dresses like a stripper. A patriotic stripper!

Wizard:
Diana Prince has been trained by the Amazons as a master combatant since childhood. She dueled the best of the best for the right to be crowned Wonder Woman. Her unearthly powers are divine, granted by ancient Greek gods and goddesses. From Demeter, she received superhuman strength and durability.

Boomstick:
And you know that b*tch mailman god with the wingy shoes?

Wizard:
Hermes?

Boomstick:
Whatever... he gave Wonder Woman the ability to fly and move at hypersonic speed.

Wizard:
She was given numerous other powers from enhanced senses, animal rapport, and blessings of wisdom and empathy.

Boomstick:
Aside from the obvious cannons rested right below her neck, she's got a pretty bizarre mix of weaponry. Her Lasso of Truth is a piece of unbreakable string that, well, makes you tell the truth.

Hippolyta:
What other depraved thoughts must you be thinking?

Steve Trevor:
God, your daughter's got a nice rack.

Boomstick:
Hell yeah, she does!

Wizard:
She uses her tiara as a long range throwing weapon, using its razor sharp edge to slice open her enemies' throat.

Boomstick:
Wonder Babe here uses the Bracelets of Submission, indestructible steel gauntlets forged from the remains of Zeus' legendary Aegis. These babies can block all sorts of attacks.

Wizard:
She has persevered throughout the years, fighting a huge variety of foes, even killing the Greek God of War, Ares.

Boomstick:
Hear that, Kratos? A chick beat you to it!

Boomstick:
[describing Ryu] The Assassin's Fist sure isn't your average McDojo style. His Ryu Shoryuken is an uppercut so powerful, it launches his victims sky high. The Hadouken uses a fighter's willpower to fire a blast of energy and destroy evil things, like waterfalls.

Wizard:
And... physics?

Boomstick:
And finally the Tatsu, uuuh... Tatsu... maki... senpuu...

Wizard:
Tatsumaki Senpukyaku.

Boomstick:
I had it! Anyway, the thing I totally know how to pronounce gives the finger to gravity and lets him briefly fly around like some sort of human helicopter kicking machine.

Wizard:
He also has a powerful step kick he calls the Joudan Sokutogeri.

Boomstick:
Hey, we don't have the translation for that one. I'm on it.

[types "Joudan Sokutogeri" into Google Translate; it comes up with... ]

Boomstick:
"And diarrhea joke foot"?

[laughs]

Boomstick:
What does it do, kick people in the stomach so hard that he takes them to brown town?

Wizard:
With the CORRECT kanji, it's more like... High Level Leg Blade Kick.

Boomstick:
You know it's Diarrhea Kick forever in my mind now, right?

Wizard:
From Earthrealm to Outworld, there were few who didn't fear the ruthless clan known as the Lin Kuei.

Boomstick:
Except the Shirai Ryu, a clan with some serious balls. Not only do they defect from the Lin Kuei, they mock them on a daily basis by wearing obvious palette swaps of their clothes. They also like to pull classic pranks like annoying phone calls, TP-ing Lin Kuei homes, and constantly slaughtering their loved ones. Haha, got 'em!

Wizard:
[about Ryu doing martial arts] He trained alongside his best friend and rival, Ken Masters. Gouken taught them the Ansatsuken, or Assassin's Fist fighting style. But the name is actually a bit misleading. While originally designed as a means to murder, Gouken's personal take on the Ansatsuken is based around karate, kenpo, judo, and NOT killing people. Unlike the ways of his violent brother, Akuma, who would ultimately prove to be his undoing.

Boomstick:
Oh yeah, he can finger-paint.

Wizard:
From the Shirai Ryu came Hanzo Hasashi, the hellish ninja of vengeance. But before he became the stuff of nightmares, he was once an ordinary young child, whose father just happened to be a deadly assassin. In hopes of sparing him from a violent life of regret and murder, Hanzo's father forbade him from ever joining the clan.

Boomstick:
Sorry, son, you're not allowed to be awesome.

Wizard:
However, as time went on, Hanzo became desperate. He needed a way to support not only himself but also his wife and son. Faced with few other options, he reluctantly disobeyed his father and began the life on a ninja assassin.

Boomstick:
As a ninja, Hanzo is exceptionally skilled in Ninjutsu, Pi Gua, Hapkido and numerous secret Chinese martial arts. But it's his weapon of choice that earned him the nickname Scorpion.

Wizard:
Scorpion's weaponry and combat prowess were put to the ultimate test by the legendary Lin Kuei warrior Bi Han, AKA Sub-Zero. And things didn't go so well for our yellow-clad ninja. Next thing he knew, Scorpion was waking up in the Netherrealm.

Boomstick:
More commonly known as Hell. Bet you wished you listened to Dad now, then maybe you could've ended up in a happier place, with your murdered wife and kid. Oh yeah, they're dead, too.

Wizard:
At the age of 23, Ryu entered the first World Warrior Tournament to test his skill. He swept through nine powerful combatants before taking on the champoin, Sagat. After a hard fought battle, Sagat was set to take the win.

Boomstick:
Until he made the mistake of being a good sport. After beating the sh*t out of Ryu, Sagat offered him a helping hand up. Instead of taking it, Ryu gave him a surprise punch SO HARD it ripped his chest open and nearly killed the guy. Dick move, Ryu, dick move.

Wizard:
This was Ryu's first taste of the dark power buried within him: the Satsui no Hado, literally the Surge of Murderous Intent.

Boomstick:
Still not as good a name as the Diarrhea Joke Foot.

Wizard:
The Satsui no Hado gives Ryu incredible power but at the expense of his humanity. He can tap a portion of this power to safely enhance his attacks. However, should his desire to win become so great he would even commit murder, the Satsui no Hado can overwhelm him, and he will lose control, becoming Evil Ryu.

Boomstick:
Now we're talking!

Wizard:
Evil Ryu has enormous power to the point of being almost unstoppable. He can even blast a skyscraper to smithereens.

Boomstick:
He can teleport short distances, even passing through attacks along the way. More impressively, despite Gouken never teaching him this, Evil Ryu can use the Ansatsuken's forbidden technique, the Shun Goku Satsu, more commonly known as the Raging Demon.

Wizard:
Enraged at Sub-Zero for apparently killing all he'd sworn to protect, Scorpion scored a second chance striking a deal with the sorcerer Quan Chi. In exchange for his loyalty, Scorpion was resurrected as a phantom of the Netherrealm

Boomstick:
And being reborn as a demon of vengeance has its perks. Scorpion can now teleport, summon fire at will, and create portals in and out of the Netherrealm he was spawned from, literally dragging others to Hell! Whilst there, his +1s can enjoy such tourist locations as Lava Pit and witness the corpse-burning celebration called the Festival of Torture. Fun times!

Wizard:
[about Ryu's Raging Demon technique] With this, Evil Ryu turns his foes' own sins against them, and eradicates their soul. It was this exact attack, which Akuma, a master of the Dark Hadou, used to murder Ryu's master. Since then, Akuma has been haunting Ryu, tempting to succumb and fully commit to the dark Satsui No Hado as well. Basically, this is karate Star Wars.

Boomstick:
Oh, you call everything Star Wars.

Wizard:
Well, some even speculate that Akuma is Ryu's father.

Boomstick:
Mother of God, it IS karate Star Wars!

Wizard:
But Gouken's teachings instilled a powerful belief in Ryu. If he can resist and shun this dark temptation, he can attain an even greater power.

Boomstick:
By detaching himself from all emotion, he enters an altered state of consciousness.

Wizard:
Like a Jedi.

Boomstick:
This boosts his speed, power, and can do all sorts of crazy sh*t to his abilities.

Wizard:
This is the Power of Nothingness.

Boomstick:
Stupid name!

Wizard:
The Power of Nothingness is more focused than the Dark Hado, allowing Ryu complete control over his mind and body. Gouken even once used this power to separate himself from his soul in order to survive Akuma's Raging Demon. Surprise! Obi-Wan is still alive!

Wizard:
The Netherrealm is the source of Scorpion's demonic power and his strength rises simply by his being there.

Boomstick:
Scorpion is so vicious he can perform no fewer than thirteen different Fatalities.

Wizard:
He can rip a person's head from their body, spine included.

Boomstick:
That's not something you just do, that's art right there.

Wizard:
Rip off his mask to show his true face...

Boomstick:
AAAAAH! WHAT THE F*** IS THAT THING?

Wizard:
And score a kill by transforming into a, well, giant scorpion, of course. Or a penguin.

Boomstick:
Wait, WHAT?

Boomstick:
[about Scorpion] While his kunai-in-a-rope is iconic and deadly, I'm more partial to whatever the hell that snake creature is that lives in his hand. Well, in whatever form, it impales the opponent and pulls them in close, usually for a sweet uppercut to the jaw.

Wizard:
This is similar to an ancient assassination weapon used in the Tang dynasty called the Rope Dart. It's extremely difficult to master, making Scorpion's finesse all the more impressive.

Boomstick:
He's also profesioned with several weapons like long swords, twin katanas and axes.

Boomstick:
Ryu is skilled enough to take on numerous thugs at once, tough enough to survive being impaled, and strong enough to overpower the genetically-created super warrior Seth. Oh, and he's fast enough to dodge point-blank gunfire!

Wizard:
Yet, as Evil Ryu, his aura's so strong he can just walk through bullets.

Boomstick:
That being said, being the Street Fighter poster boy doesn't mean he's the top world warrior. He's lost a number of matches fair and square against the likes of M. Bison, Oro, and even his best friend Ken.

Wizard:
However, many of these losses may stem from his struggle to contain the power of the Dark Satsui no Hado, which is obviously quite difficult to do in the middle of a battle.

Boomstick:
But when Ryu unleashes his full potential, stay the f*** out of his way!

Wizard:
Although Scorpion was far from the most powerful combatant in the Mortal Kombat tournament, he has defeated lethal warriors across multiple worlds. He's conquered sorcerers, demons, cyborgs, and eventually avenged his death by incinerating Bi Han in the Netherrealm.

Boomstick:
But it turns out that that Sub-Zero guy was kind of innocent. The man actually responsible for the death of his family was Quan Chi. You know, that guy he swore himself to and has been working for this whole time? Man, Scorpion's kinda like the Charlie Brown of Mortal Kombat.

Wizard:
As penance for his mistake, Scorpion dedicated his life after death to protecting the late Sub-Zero's younger brother... Sub-Zero.

Boomstick:
Though he still found time for shooting threes, hitting homers, and hosting his own cooking show!

[a clip of "Cooking With Scorpion" is shown, along with a message that states that this is real]

Boomstick:
Yeah, I'm not gonna trust anything that guy makes. Does he even eat anymore?

Wizard:
Aside from his weakness for the culinary arts, Scorpion's win-loss record is not as intimidating as you might think. But consider the outrageous scope of his competition.

Boomstick:
Any way you look at it, it's tough to be much more of a badass then a fire-breathing skeleton ninja from Hell.

[Scorpion had defeated Ryu by burning him alive and then turning into a penguin and laying an egg on Ryu's ashes that blows up and destroys them]

Boomstick:
I'm no chef, but that looks a bit overcooked.

Wizard:
Ryu's Satsui no Hado and the Power of Nothingness were incredibly powerful, but raw power alone is not enough to destroy Scorpion.

Boomstick:
Yet, Scorpion's advantage of already being dead didn't make this a cakewalk. In fact, Ryu had a perfect way to permanently end Scorpion: the soul-killing Raging Demon, but he could avoid the instant murder move, thanks to his awesome ninja skills and teleportation.

Wizard:
Not to mention Ryu has very little experience actually using the Raging Demon anyway. But most importantly, Scorpion's strength increases the longer he remains in the Netherrealm, with no defining limit. Once trapped in hell with Scorpion, Ryu stood little chance in the long run.

Boomstick:
Zero chance if Scorpion just upped and teleported him into a pool of lava, which he could totally do. Scorpion was just too hot to handle.

Wizard:
The winner is Scorpion.

Wizard:
Television has been used to market toys to boys and girls for generations, ranging from G.I. Joe to Barbie, and Transformers to My Little Pony.

Boomstick:
Are we really doing this?

Wizard:
Yes. Yes, we are.

Boomstick:
All right, well, Starscream from the first generation Decepticons...

Wizard:
...And Rainbow Dash of the G4 Pegasus Ponies.

[Rainbow Dash has not only defeated Starscream, but also ate his Spark]

Boomstick:
Forget all doubt, that pony is a monster!

Wizard:
Rainbow's speed and agility were more than a match for the clumsy Starscream, and it doesn't help that his aim is even worse than a Stormtrooper's. Not to mention the Null Ray is designed to destroy electronics, not living ponies.

Boomstick:
She just ATE a Transformer!

Wizard:
Yes, and while Rainbow might experience some mild indigestion, Starscream's not going anywhere anytime soon.

Boomstick:
Well, she put the "pwn" in "pony".

Wizard:
The winner is Rainbow Dash.

Boomstick:
[about Rainbow Dash] This is a pony, a baby horse girl toy. Why is it so awesome?

Wizard:
[about Starscream] He can transform into an F-15 Eagle, a twin-engine, all-weather fighter jet with top speeds reaching mach 2.8, nearly three times the speed of sound.

Boomstick:
In jet form, he can fire three different types of homing missiles, from short-range Sidewinders to long-range Slammers. And if those don't do the trick, he's equipped with a M61A1 Vulcan Gatling gun that fires 20-millimeter ammo at 6,000 rounds per minute. Fun fact: it also works great for hunting.

Starscream:
[to Rainbow Dash] I am going to kill you!

Rainbow Dash:
[flies up and taps Starscream] Tag! You're it! [flies off]

Starscream:
GAAAAAAHHHHHH! [turns into his jet form and takes off after her]

Wizard:
Starscream is a coward, and uses cheap tactics, often shooting his opponents in the back. However, his deadliest weapon is arguably his silver tongue. While he is not the strongest Decepticon, he is a clever and deceiving speaker, who can worm his way into favorable positions. Despite this, he is a terrible strategist. Most of his plans instantly go wrong.

Boomstick:
Like when he took over the Decepticons because Megatron had a sore throat. It was short-lived.

Wizard:
And yet his persistence paid off, and he was eventually crowned leader of the Decepticon Faction.

Boomstick:
Again, short-lived.

Wizard:
Starscream was king for a whopping twenty seconds, a personal record. However, after his death, Starscream discovered his spark, or life-force, was somehow indestructible.

Boomstick:
And a good thing too, because since then, he's been dying nearly every episode.

Wizard:
After dropping out of flight school, Rainbow found a job in Ponyville as weather manager. She is a strong, agile flyer with great durability and resilience. She can smash through trees and solid rock and get right back up. She is also training to join the Wonderbolts, a superb team of flyers who are kind of like the Blue Angels.

Boomstick:
...Except, they're ponies.

Wizard:
She is also a black belt in karate.

Boomstick:
How does a pony learn karate, let alone master it?

Wizard:
Starscream is the air commander of the Decepticon Battle fleet. He constantly seeks power, and often attempts to usurp Megatron's leadership of the Decepticons, with little success.

Boomstick:
He has two forms: giant robot and jet.

Wizard:
His robot form is primarily meant for ground travel, though it can fly short distances.

Boomstick:
This form's weaponry consists of cluster bomb, missiles, machine guns, and his trademark Null Ray, a laser that shuts down anything that uses electricity.

Wizard:
Leonardo, the leader of the team is smart, strategic with a strong sense of honor.

Boomstick:
Too bad he traded his sense of humor for that sense of honor! This guy always means serious business! His weapon of choice is the ninjaken swords: Shorter, sturdier and straighter than an ordinary katana, and designed for swift deadly strikes! Out of all the Turtles' weapons, the ninjaken is the only one specifically designed to murder people! What's better than one ninjaken? Two, damn it!

Wizard:
In many timelines, Leonardo's the one who ultimately defeats the Shredder, though always with plenty of help. As leader, he is usually the one with a plan. He spends most of his time training his body and mind under his Master Splinter's instruction and follows Bushido, a strict Samurai code of honor and duty. At one point, he even fought and killed a sort of physical embodiment of the Devil.

Boomstick:
Giving Keanu Reeves a much needed break!

Wizard:
However, Leonardo finds it difficult to accept failure. Should things go horribly wrong, his concentration can quickly slip away from him, leaving him sloppy and imprecise.

Boomstick:
Leo doesn't like to lose.

Wizard:
Donatello is the brains of the bunch.

Boomstick:
He does machines!

Wizard:
Right, Boomstick. Somehow, he learned to operate and manipulate both human and alien technology without any formal education or budget whatsoever. He also speaks 100% fluent techno-babble.

Donatello:
The resulting intermit multi-polar flux should create the electromagnetic pulse!

Boomstick:
What the hell did I just hear? All that gibberish means he's probably trained less than the others, using more of his time for science!

Wizard:
Fortunately, his useful bo staff makes up for his lack of constant training. Durable oak and six feet long, the bo gives Donatello far more attack range than his other brothers.

Boomstick:
The range is nice, but it takes a lot of time and patience to kill anybody with a stick!

Wizard:
He's no expert strategist, that's Leonardo's turf, but Donatello's considered the most level-headed of the Turtles. Even with his time spent tinkering, he's still a very capable warrior, easily keeping up with his brothers and even killing the Shredder in an alternate dimension.

Boomstick:
An ass-kicking nerd? I don't believe it.

Wizard:
Michelangelo is the youngest of the turtles. He's lazy, undisciplined and easily distracted. He spends his free time playing video games, watching TV, reading comic books and eating pizza.

Boomstick:
That turtle is f***ed up!

Wizard:
What?

Boomstick:
Come on, you can't tell me that that turtle is not on drugs!

Wizard:
I don't know, I always thought he was dropped as a kid.

Boomstick:
Okay, look! He has all the signs! Strange eating habits, inability to pay attention, incoherent phrases...

Wizard:
Moving on, his weapon of choice...

Boomstick:
The bong!

Wizard:
No, the nunchaku, isn't really a weapon at all. It's a farming tool for threshing grain. These "weapons" are unnecessarily overcomplicated clubs with the effectiveness of a tattered flyswatter. Yet SOMEHOW, Michelangelo has been able to blunder his way through fights to victories he really doesn't deserve!

Boomstick:
He even beat Raph once.

Wizard:
Sure, I get it, swinging chucks around gives him momentum to hit with them, blah, blah, blah, but in the end, a baseball bat will give you the same effect and more with much less effort! Seriously, who came up with these things? They're preposterous!

Boomstick:
You're prepostemous! I don't know.

Wizard:
And, for some reason, in all his infinite wisdom, the great master Splinter gave the most complicated weapon to the retard of the group! WHY?

Boomstick:
Mikey's not gonna win this fight, is he?

Wizard:
He'd better not.

Boomstick:
Raph is cool but crude! Hell, forget crude, this guy's borderline psycho!

Wizard:
Sure to throw the first punch, Raphael is certainly the most vicious of the team. He's constantly butting heads with the others and challenging Leonardo's leadership.

Boomstick:
He uses twin sai, which is like a combination of a pitchfork, dagger and Wolverine's claws!

Wizard:
Like the nunchuk, they also humbly began as a farming tool but were re-evaluated to counter the oppressive samurai.

Boomstick:
They're best used as a close ranged offensive weapon. The triple prongs are designed to block, trap and control an opponent's weapon, while using the pummel to beat the enemy into submission. Raph's sai can even snap swords!

Wizard:
Raphael is not exactly the smartest fighter, usually rushing into a brawl without a plan and just overpowering a foe. Because of this, Raphael spends much of his time honing his combat skills. It is very likely he is physically the strongest turtle.

Boomstick:
Also, this guy's in some serious need of anger management!

Wizard:
He is naturally hot-headed and sometimes loses control of his rage. He is much more vicious than the other turtles and, at one point in the comics, even became the Shredder himself.

Wizard:
Evil: it has many faces, and sometimes even a good-natured soul may become its unknowing pawn.

Boomstick:
Oh, did you say something? I couldn't hear you over GIANT FIGHTING ROBOTS! Seriously, what's cooler than giant robots? Absolutely nothing!

Wizard:
Behold the Thunderzords, mighty bestial vehicles and a force like you've never seen before.

Boomstick:
Unless you live in Japan. Then that sh*t is everywhere.

Wizard:
The Thunderzords are piloted by the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, five overbearing and over-emotional humans.

Boomstick:
Teenagers...

Wizard:
For over a year, these five heroes defended the Earth from the evil Rita Repulsa and her cronies.

Boomstick:
But when her boss, Lord Zedd, showed up and started beating some serious Ranger ass, the team knew they needed some help.

Wizard:
Thus, a giant floating head in a tube and his robot buddy set to work building a new Ranger with a new Zord.

Boomstick:
The White Tigerzord is a gigantic weaponized robo-kitty. While cats are clearly inferior to dogs, I might make an exception for this one and take it home.

Wizard:
Well, considering after it transforms to warrior mode, the Tigerzord weighs 150 tons and stands nearly fifteen floors tall, I don't think you'll find one in a pet shop window.

Boomstick:
And it's a Transformer? Awesome!

Wizard:
In the year 195 A.C... yes, A.C., Earth and its space colonies were on the brink of civil war. Chaos had erupted, governments shattered from within. The only constant were five freedom-fighting mobile suits called Gundams.

Boomstick:
Piloted by a bunch of kids who have no idea how to have fun. Seriously, get laid or something.

Wizard:
Intrigued, the disgraced commander Treize Khushrenada set about creating his own Gundam.

Boomstick:
For sex?

Wizard:
No, for Zechs.

Boomstick:
This is getting really confusing.

Wizard:
Try and keep up. Treize hoped this new NON-sexual fighting machine would finally answer the meaning of life and death.

Boomstick:
And birth!

Wizard:
No! [Treize removes a book from a bookshelf, opening up a wall and revealing Epyon] And so, the Gundam Epyon was born.

Wizard:
We know Rangers also receive a speed boost, so it's reasonable to believe that a Morph Ranger's reaction speed is in the ball park of 32 times faster than the average person. Thus, the White Ranger can actually react to attacks in about six milliseconds. To compare, in the same given time, a bullet fired from a gun would've only traveled about nine feet. As the Tigerzord mimics the White Ranger in real-time, it must be capable of the same speeds.

Boomstick:
I bet he could totally do that knife finger stabby game. Actually, Wiz, put your hand on the table.

Wizard:
NO! Not after last time! That poor intern...

Boomstick:
I told him not to move.

Wizard:
Anyway, like that intern, the Tigerzord can't always cut it on its own.

Boomstick:
When that happens, Tommy's friends usually come in to save his ass, but even though they won't be able to help him today, Tommy can still call upon his secret weapon.

Wizard:
Each Power Ranger has his or her individual Zord, which only they can pilot. However, there have been numerous instances when a Ranger has called upon other Zords. So Tommy can call upon the lion, griffin, unicorn, and phoenix Thunderzords to create the Mega Tigerzord!

Boomstick:
Epyon is a fierce force of metal and badassery. Like all Gundams, it's armored with... Gundanium.

Wizard:
Yet another stupidly-named fictional metal that happens to be many times stronger and lighter than titanium.

Boomstick:
Standing 57 feet tall and weighing just under 10 tons, Epyon is actually quite a bit smaller than your average Japanese giant robot.

Wizard:
But for what it lacks in size, Epyon compensates with incredible speed. With a max propulsion of nearly 200,000 pounds, Epyon can fly over 250 miles per hour.

Boomstick:
But manning a Gundam at that speed is rough, and can kill a pilot that hasn't been trained.

Wizard:
Epyon's pilot is the legendary warrior and Treize's closest friend, Zechs Merquise, the Lightning Count. Commander of the OZ special forces, valedictorian of a prestigious military academy, and sole pilot of the unstable Gundam prototype.

Boomstick:
How does the Wizard of OZ come into this now? Anime seriously confuses me. Well, regardless, Zechs is a true warrior.

Zechs:
I am a true warrior.

Boomstick:
Oh, look, an echo.

Wizard:
The White Tigerzord is powered by the "White light of goodness", as is its pilot, the heroic leader of the team, Tommy Oliver, the White Ranger.

Boomstick:
He wasn't always in charge, though. His original powers came from the screeching, migraine-ridden she-witch Rita. Naturally, it was a trick and those powers came packaged with a curse that turned him evil.

Wizard:
Luckily, Rita doesn't logic much, so the Rangers reversed the spell by destroying a completely unrelated object.

Wizard:
[about Zechs] He could not handle the politics of war. After Treize staged a coup which spiraled out of control, Zechs stumbled through the ensuing chaos like a lost pup, always ending up fighting for the wrong cause by complete accident. Whoops.

Zechs:
I don't understand! Why am I still so spineless?

Boomstick:
[mimicking Zechs] Oh, I have an awesome giant Gundam that everyone needs to do awesome stuff. Poor me.

Wizard:
But, PLOT TWIST: Zechs has been hiding a secret identity. He is, in fact, Milliardo Peacecraft, the long-lost heir to the throne of the pacifist Saint Kingdom. Yes, the Peacecrafts literally craft peace.

Boomstick:
At first the only one who knew Zech's true identity was his slap-happy admirer, Noin. You'd think a cheerful girlfriend who doesn't have blood on her hands would help Zechs lighten up a bit. But...

Zechs:
Don't go getting too attached or parting'll hurt.

Noin:
But my soldiers aren't ever going to be killed in battle. [exactly one minute and ten seconds later, explosions destroy the complex and Noin's men]

Boomstick:
Damn. He won't be hitting that for a while.

Boomstick:
Tommy wields Saba, a talking saber that shoots lasers and remote controls the Tigerzord.

Wizard:
And is also... uniquely multilingual. [in the show, Saba is shown interacting with a bunch of birds: "Uh, squawk, squawk, tweet, squawk, tweet..."]

Boomstick:
Everyone that just watched that is now dumber. Our bad.

Wizard:
Despite being a back-stabbing, coup-staging terrorist, Treize Khushrenada apparently has some high sense of honor, and this is reflected in Epyon's arsenal.

Boomstick:
Aside from two tiny vulcan guns, Epyon was designed as a dueling suit, and lacks effective long-range weaponry. But that's okay... 'cause check out this sword! [Epyon cuts through four robots, two with each swing, seperating them from the top halves before they explode]

Boomstick:
The Beam Sword is connected directly to Epyon's power source, which means its size and power can be increased on the fly. Epyon also has a durable shield which houses a chain whip called the Heat Rod that can be super-heated to slice through armor.

Wizard:
In battle, the Tigerzord's tail doubles as a golden tiger sword.

Boomstick:
Which can light itself on fire, I assume, by sparking a robo-fart of some sort. See, Wiz? I can science too. Anyway, the Tigerzord knocks foes off their feet with sonic blasts, temporarily increases agility with hyper speed, and shoots fireballs from its... chest mouth thing.

Wizard:
The Tigerzord's greatest asset, however, is its ability to mimic the movements of its pilot. So it's important to determine how superhuman the White Ranger is, but he doesn't have many measurable feats. Fortunately, all Ranger powers are derived from the same Morphing Grid, a galaxy-spanning energy field which balances all life.

Boomstick:
So... the Force?

Wizard:
Yeah, pretty much. This means all Rangers have comparable powers that we can use to measure Tommy's potential.

Boomstick - Host:
Punching: the most useful language in the world when words fail, and these two lovely ladies are fluent in it.

Wizard - Host:
Yang Xiao Long, the adventurous huntress from RWBY...

Boomstick - Host:
...and Tifa Lockhart, the Final Fantasy heavy hitter with enormous... power.

Wizard - Host:
The world of Remnant is... well, crazy. Vicious creatures called Grimm run wild, entire cities have gone to waste and every single weapon, is also a gun. Even Nunchucks.

Boomstick - Host:
Ooh, that sounds like Disneyland to me, the happiest, most gun-filled place on Earth.

Wizard - Host:
Luckily, the world is protected by the Huntsmen and Huntresses, an elite group of expertly trained warriors.

Boomstick - Host:
And where else would you get the training to kill bloodthirsty monsters than from high school?

Wizard - Host:
After losing her mother to mysterious circumstances and being trained all her life by her hero legend of an uncle, Yang Xiao Long was accepted into Beacon Academy.

Boomstick - Host:
It's kinda like Hogwarts, except replace wands and books with swords, sniper rifles and giant transforming scythes. Man, this place just keeps getting better and better. Seriously, I know where I'm gonna retire now.

Wizard - Host:
A natural fighter and thrill-seeker at heart, Yang fit right in and soon found herself a member of the color coordinated team, RWBY, lead by her younger sister, Ruby.

Boomstick - Host:
Because that's not confusing at all.

Wizard - Host:
Far to the west on the planet Gaia lies a small mountain village called Nibelheim. At first glance, this town appears calm and peaceful, not worth a second look.

Boomstick - Host:
Until a sword-wielding goth guy found his alien mother hidden inside. He celebrated with fireworks!

Wizard - Host:
After losing her parents and watching the madman Sephiroth burn her hometown to ashes, Tifa Lockhart joined AVALANCHE, a group dedicated to protecting the planet from ecological harm... and meteors.

Boomstick - Host:
[showing a shot of Tifa as a meteor falls to land] Speaking of meteors, check out the size of the...

Wizard - Host:
Boomstick!

Boomstick - Host:
What? I was talking about the meteor.

Wizard - Host:
Sure you were.

Boomstick:
Who doesn't like dinosaurs? No one, 'cause they're awesome?

Boomstick:
Riptor may look, sound and act like a Velociraptor, but he's really something else entirely. He's twice as big and twice as slow and I don't think Velociraptors could shoot acid. They were awesome enough without it! With a limited amount of combat training, Riptor relies on his Raptor instincts in a fight. Raptors were pack hunters, preferring to plague their victims with stealth, speed and secrecy, though they were no pushovers by themselves. On their own, they usually just rush their opponent and overpower them with ultra combos, and if "Jurassic Park" has taught us anything, it's that Raptors are clever sons of b*tches!

Wizard:
Wow, Boomstick, I didn't know you knew so much about dinosaurs.

Boomstick:
Yeah, I always wanted me a pet Raptor. I was gonna call him Barney after I found out what irony was.

Wizard:
Yoshi is a cheerful and friendly dinosaur whose race happens to be among Bowser's most hated enemies. Why?

Boomstick:
'Cause they're so goddamn happy all the time!

Wizard:
Being a descendent of the house of Hyrule, Princess Zelda has spent her entire life governing her kingdom. Despite having a king, the majority of royal decisions are actually made by her.

Boomstick:
Talk about a control freak. And why do they let her get away with it? I mean, she's lost her kingdom to the forces of evil more times than I can count!

Wizard:
[about Peach] Ever since being touched by the Vibe Scepter, she can channel her emotions into raw mystic power. When she rages, she becomes invulnerable but slows tremendously.

Boomstick:
Wait, hold up. Touched by the WHAT NOW?

Wizard:
The Vibe Scepter. [Boomstick laughs loudly] Oh... [clears throat] But Peach's magic reaches its climax with... [Boomstick continues to laugh uncontrollably] with her mega strike technique, Empress Peach, a kick so powerful, it splits a soccer ball into three separate ones, delivering enough force to score three times.

Boomstick:
[still laughing] Stop! I can't talk!

Wizard:
While Zelda is clever, mystically powerful, and helps battle Ganon when necessary, she repeatedly relies on the aid of others. Her success at avoiding capture can be largely attributed to her guardians and sanctuaries.

Boomstick:
She's really good at getting other people to do stuff for her.

Wizard:
Right, she is a master manipulator. She can always convince a naive young hero to do her dirty work for her with little or no reward.

Boomstick:
How many times does this guy have to save you? Put out already!

Wizard:
Peach has assisted Mario in battles several times, once even saving him from Bowser on her own. Even so, she still needs rescuing on a daily basis, and her gratitude usually only goes as far as a kiss and a cake.

Boomstick:
What's with all these princesses not puttin' out? Give it up already!

Wizard:
Between being waited on hand and foot, Zelda has spent some time training with her modest arsenal.

Boomstick:
Bows, magic, musical instruments. She also has a sword and dagger, but has little experience with them. Her weapon of choice is the bow, which she wields with deadly accuracy. Plus, she can use her magic to turn an ordinary arrow to the powerful Light Arrow, perfect for killing evil.

Wizard:
Speaking of which, Zelda is an incredibly potent spellcaster. While most of her magic is for use outside of combat, she is more than capable of holding on her own. She can teleport with Farore's Wind, shield herself with Nayru's Love, and cast pyrokinetic projectiles with Din's Fire.

Boomstick:
Also, she can talk... with DEAD PEOPLE.

Wizard:
Spirits.

Boomstick:
Like Boos?

Wizard:
At first glance, Princess Peach appears to be your standard meek and helpless damsel-in-distress.

Boomstick:
And that's pretty damn accurate. Being a member of the Royal Toadstool family, Peach spends most of her time getting herself kidnapped, or baking cakes in the kitchen like any good woman should.

Wizard:
Despite being a wealthy princess with a royal guard more than capable of defending the castle, she has been kidnapped over a dozen times.

Boomstick:
Yet somehow, while still behind bars, she can send mail to Mario through outer space containing items and extra lives. Hey, lady, next time, just send yourself!

Wizard:
Zelda is also the bearer of the Triforce of Wisdom, a testament to her astute mind. This greatly enhances her magical prowess and gives her the power to dispel evil. She is even skilled enough to create long-lasting disguises. She used the guise of Shiek to evade Ganon's tyranny for over seven years.

Boomstick:
Wait, that's a chick? But where's her... um...

Wizard:
It SHOULD be noted, however, that the forms of Sheik and Tetra are nothing more than disguises, and abilities attributed to them would naturally be available to Zelda.

Boomstick:
Yeah, but why would you want to toss tiny needles at people when you can shoot fireballs with your mind?

Boomstick - Host:
Last time on Death Battle, the Ninja Turtles battled to find the deadliest of the team, and good old Leo used cunning strategy and swordplay to come out on top.

Wizard - Host:
But the fight isn't over yet. Leonardo must face his most powerful imitator, Zitz, the leader of the mighty Battletoads.

Wizard - Host:
Zitz was computer engineered as one of three ultimate amphibian warriors in a gladiatorial video game reality show called Battletoads. This accidentally opened a dimensional gateway to another galaxy. Every time the game began, the galaxy became the Battletoad arena for their superhero war against the Dark Queen and they...

Boomstick - Host:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, what?

Wizard - Host:
Three nerds made a video game, got sucked through it into another galaxy, and became toad superheroes.

Boomstick - Host:
Yeah, got it!

Wizard - Host:
We briefly covered his abilities last episode, but there's plenty more to Leonardo. He's trained in Ninjitsu and Bushido all his life, shaping his body and mind to master close combat, swordsmanship, honor and the art of invisibility.

Boomstick - Host:
He's also the strategist of the turtle team, who are now all dead. Sooo... yeah.

Wizard - Host:
Leonardo is especially skilled in use of environment to outsmart and outmaneuver an opponent. He is also the only Ninja Turtle in any timeline who has studied under two masters: Splinter the rat and the Ancient One.

Boomstick - Host:
Hey, Wiz, look! It's an Asian Yoda! [pause] What?

Wizard - Host:
Zitz was originally colored yellow, to differentiate him from Rash, but he is now officially a blue-green hue. He leads the Battletoad team with a laid back yet strategic attitude.

Boomstick - Host:
He chooses to go with my personal favorite battle strategy: beat the sh*t out of everything that moves! And as a Battletoad, Zitz can shape shift his body into various weaponry: giant fists, heavy weights, ram horns, you name it.

Wizard - Host:
Unlike his teammates, Zitz has used his inventive genius to mechanically advance his weaponry far beyond those of his fellow toads. By combining technology and brawn, Zitz has added blades, saws and drills to his arsenal.

Boomstick - Host:
This guy could be the world's best handyman, if he always wasn't getting sucked into an alternate dimension every time someone turned on a video game.

Boomstick - Host:
Leo wields two Ninjaken swords, which are best for swift deadly strikes and are designed with the idea that a good offense, is the best defense. They're usually mistaken as katana in the shows and comics, even though they are obviously straight, rather than curved.

Wizard - Host:
The Ninjaken is, in fact, an invention of Hollywood, as there is no historical evidence of the weapon's existence.

Boomstick - Host:
Like the moon landing!

Wizard - Host:
Shut up!

Wizard - Host:
Despite almost having no actual combat training, Zitz has proved strong enough to power through some of the toughest games ever made. And yes, the games excruciating difficulty is canon as it was specifically programmed by the Battletoads themselves.

Boomstick - Host:
Yeah, try and wrap your brain around that one.

Wizard - Host:
[finishing the rundown on Leonardo] While he usually relies on his brothers' solid teamwork, he has proven to be a very effective warrior on his own, too, defeating all sorts of enemies like ninja robots, giant monsters, war-torn aliens, and even the Shredder.

[Leonardo defeated Zitz by first distracting him and then slicing his body in half, killing him]

Boomstick - Host:
Damn.

Wizard - Host:
Zitz was more than a match for Leonardo in a simple brawl, using his brutal arsenal to overpower him; But when it came to using the environment, Zitz couldn't handle Leonardo's ninja skills and his lack of training left him frustrated and unsure of what to do.

Boomstick - Host:
While Zitz is a strategist, he always relies on his brute force and once Leo went in stealth mode and turned the tides, Zitz decided to just bring the whole sewer down. Hey, c'mon, Leo fights all kinds of mutants and monsters at least once a week.

Wizard - Host:
Of all the toads, Zitz certainly stood the best chance with his technologically advanced weaponry, but while the Battletoads are known for accomplishing impossible odds, so are the Ninja Turtles. Leonardo made quick work of Zitz as soon as he had the chance.

Boomstick - Host:
In the end, Zitz just needed to pull himself together.

Wizard - Host:
The winner is Leonardo.

Boomstick - Host:
Again.