The Middle

Brick Heck:
Here's a list of everyone's food allergies and dietary restrictions. We all voted on peanut butter cake, except for two kids who will die if they go anywhere near it.

Frankie Heck:
You invited twenty-five kids to the party, but everything comes in packs of twenty-four. We're not gonna buy a whole extra set just for one kid, so you're gonna have to uninvite someone.

Brick Heck:
I can't.

Frankie Heck:
Come on, there's always one kid nobody wants at the party.

Brick Heck:
That's me, Mom.

Mike Heck:
We can't wait too long. You waited too long to tell Sue about unicorns.

Sue Heck:
That was embarrassing. I did a whole science project about them.

Frankie Heck:
Well, thank you all for coming to Brick's birthday party. Brick thought it'd be fun to start with some quiet reading time here, and then later we'll all walk to the library. [children groan] Hey, you think Brick wanted to play in the bouncey house at your party? Or race go-karts at your party? Well, this is Brick's party, so suck it up and start reading.

Brick Heck:
You brought home the wrong baby? How could you not know it wasn't me?

Mike Heck:
I figured your mom would know. Mothers are supposed to know those things.

Frankie Heck:
Oh, so it's my fault? You're the one who had to watch the game. I was all drugged up. They could've put a turkey in my arms and I would've taken it home.

Brick Heck:
Mom, you never told me church was based on a book.

Frankie Heck:
I assumed you knew. It's the number one best-selling book of all time.

Brick Heck:
Hm. Well, it's a real page-turner.

Brick Heck:
I'm sure you've never read the Bible in your life.

Axl Heck:
Only 'cause I've got stuff going on. I'll read it when I'm closer to death like all old people.

Brick Heck:
Isn't it amazing how each snowflake is different?

Sue Heck:
I know. It took me, like, three hours to cut out ten. And God has to do, like, fifty billion. You can't tell me that's not a miracle.

Brick Heck:
That's a very good point. So, do you really believe all that stuff in the Bible is true?

Sue Heck:
Oh, absolutely.

Brick Heck:
[sighs] I don't know. But it is a really cool story.

Brick Heck:
I'm cold. I told you we needed a fireplace.

Axl Heck:
You can't put a fireplace in an igloo.

Brick Heck:
The Eskimos do it all the time.

Axl Heck:
Oh my God, Brick! Eskimos aren't even real. They're just in stories like leprechauns and trolls.

Pat Spence:
I brought fudge.

Axl Heck:
Awesome.

Sue Heck:
Thanks, Grandma.

Frankie Heck:
Okay, guys, just a couple.

Pat Spence:
Oh, Frankie. It's fudge. It's Christmas.

Axl Heck:
Oh, Mom gets out-mommed by Grandma. Merry Christmas to me.

Axl Heck:
So, what do you think, huh?

Brick Heck:
I thought we were doing a second story. [looks inside igloo] Where's the reading nook? I was hoping it would be next to the hearth.

Axl Heck:
A hearth? Oh my God, this is like the first thing I've actually finished in my entire life and you don't even appreciate it. Not very "orange-y" of you, is it, Brick?

Pat Spence:
Well, you don't cut back at Christmas. It's Christmas!

Frankie Heck:
Who are you people? When I was a kid, for my allowance I got one cent for every year of my life. That means when I was twelve, I got twelve pennies. Twelve pennies!

Pat Spence:
Well, back then we were parents. Now we're grandparents. We have to be grand. It's in the title.

Mrs. Nethercott:
[to Brick] See you in second grade! [Whispered, like Brick does] Second grade.

Guidance counselor:
We just got the results of Axl's aptitude test.

Mike Heck:
You don't got to sugarcoat it. We already had two other conferences today, so we're getting used to the drill.

Guidance counselor:
He tested as academically gifted.

Frankie Heck:
Axl's gifted? Our Axl?

Mike Heck:
You calling my son a cheater?

Mike Heck:
We're going to be expecting a lot from you from now on.

Axl Heck:
Oh my God. You find out I'm really smart and you're still on me? I can't please you people. Aah! Stupid big brain!

Mrs. Nethercott:
That's right. No cursive. No field trip to, uh, an Amish farm. You think you can make it in the real world without cursive? You can't.

Mike Heck:
No more excuses, Axl. Now that we know how smart you are, we're cracking down.

Axl Heck:
Well, if I'm so smart, then how come nothing's sticking in my brain? Seriously, I gave myself the practice test while I was on the toilet. I got a "D" and that was with cheating.

Frankie Heck:
Sue, what happened?

Sue Heck:
I got hit by a deer.

Frankie Heck:
You hit a deer?

Sue Heck:
No, I got hit by a deer.

Mike Heck:
I don't think we're lazy parents at all. I think we're good parents and that we got stuck with crappy kids.

Frankie Heck:
That's right. It's nature versus nurture. I - I think more and more that it's nature. Of course, that would sort of be our fault, too.

Mike Heck:
Hey, stop that. We're good parents, Frankie. We are.

Brick Heck:
Uh, school started three hours ago. Are either of you gonna take me?

Coach Emerson:
[dismissively] It was nice to meet you.

Sue Heck:
I had you for math last year.

Coach Emerson:
Huh?

Sue Heck:
I am Sue Heck and I had you for math last year!

Mike Heck:
She just keeps going. Where does she get that from?

Frankie Heck:
From me? I never give up.

Mike Heck:
You give up all the time. You gave up this morning.

Frankie Heck:
You're right. As I was saying that sentence, I almost gave up and stopped talking.

Frankie Heck:
I'm serious, if this was 'Supernanny' and we saw this morning on hidden home camera, Jo would crucify us!

Mike Heck:
Why do we gotta go lookin' for trouble? I'm pretty sure it knows our address.

Frankie Heck:
Hey, you're already up.

Axl Heck:
That's right. Up since five. Hope you're happy; I'm a morning person now.

Frankie Heck:
It was one day, Axl. I got you up on time one day.

Axl Heck:
Yeah, well, it's very dangerous to play around with a teenager's sleep cycle. Probably messed up my development. I probably won't be able to have babies or something.

Mike Heck:
That might not be such a bad thing.

Sue Heck:
Mom, look! I printed out the front page of the school website. Look at it!

Frankie Heck:
"Overheated Student Ruins Pep Rally". Oh, honey.

Sue Heck:
I know! I'm in the paper. I'm "overheated student". Everyone's going to know me now!

Sue Heck:
I did it. I put myself and countless others at risk, but it was worth it!

Sue Heck:
I spend my whole life congratulating myself. I want other people to congratulate me.

Axl Heck:
I hope you know you sent me to the dumbest school in the world.

Mike Heck:
It seemed like a good fit.

Axl Heck:
It shouldn't be an assignment. They're forcing me to help people against my will. I don't know. Doesn't that seem like communism or something? I - Did I use that right?

Brick Heck:
[reading from journal] "Went to library. Someone checked out 'The Pelican Brief' and never returned it. I wonder if it was me."

Axl Heck:
How great is this? I got the Time with Tots kids putting meals together for the hungry shut-ins. I'm racking up double hours here. I mean... Hey, Tito! Keep your head in the game. You forgot to put an orange in that one.

Mike Heck:
All right, that's it. I'm shutting this sweatshop down.

Axl Heck:
But I can't pack these boxes myself. And what about the tots? I'm their role model.

Mike Heck:
Well, then life dealt them a bad hand again. Now, start reading to these boys. And then when you're done you can pack boxes yourself. Alone.

Axl Heck:
Oh God, this is so unfair. Ugh! You kids are lucky you don't have dads.

Brick Heck:
Hey, wasn't Easter in April?

Frankie Heck:
Oh, good, yes, Easter. Okay, what did we do for Easter?

Axl Heck:
Oh, nice job, Mom. You forgot to do Easter. You owe me a pound of jelly beans and a ham.

Frankie Heck:
Oh shoot. And wasn't there some birthday in April, too?

Axl Heck:
Uh, yeah, Jesus.

Mike Heck:
That's Christmas. And the birthday was mine.

Frankie Heck:
Oh. Damn. Happy Birthday.

Brick Heck:
I'll write about how we took Dad to a Pacers game to celebrate.

Mike Heck:
Thanks, buddy, I would have enjoyed that.

Axl Heck:
You never say anything nice to me. You always act like I screw up. All I know is, I've got two jobs while I go to school. I never miss a sports practice. I took that weird wizard girl to prom. I do plenty of good stuff.

Mike Heck:
You really think that? That I don't say anything nice to you?

Axl Heck:
[sighing] I don't know. Sometimes.

Mike Heck:
Yeah, well, you kids are the best thing that ever happened to me.

Axl Heck:
Really? You must have a really sucky life.

Mike Heck:
Yes, I do.

Frankie Heck:
[narrating] This was it. The moment she'd been waiting for. The moment Sue'd finally get the recognition she deserved.

Mr. Sholin:
Our perfect attendance award recipient - Barb Heckie.

Frankie Heck:
Yep. We have the whole summer in front of us.

Brick Heck:
I'm bored.

Sean Donahue:
I got to bounce in a minute. Spanish test Tuesday. I got to study.

Axl Heck:
Crap! There's a test Tuesday? How are we supposed to know? She writes everything on the board in Spanish.

Frankie Heck:
We have to get a new roof.

Mike Heck:
Good idea. I'll go dig up the gold bars we buried in the backyard.

Frankie Heck:
What about our emergency fund?

Mike Heck:
Went towards paying off Brick's cavity. [looks at Brick eating a candy bar]

Axl Heck:
Schmula. It's our sacred day of remembrance.

Senora Porter:
You're Jewish?

Axl Heck:
I don't think it's legal for you to ask me that.

Senora Porter:
Okay. Then why does being Jewish preclude you from taking the test?

Axl Heck:
If I get what "preclude" means, Schmula is our day of silence in honor of the harvest.

Senora Porter:
In that case, Senor Heck, I'd be willing to come in on Saturday, and you can make up the test then.

Axl Heck:
Thank you for accommodating me, but, unfortunately, I have to go to a funeral.

Senora Porter:
I'm sorry to hear that. Who died?

Axl Heck:
My aunt. Her name's Betty Robinson. She was 97. She went off a bridge. It's right there in the paper. You can look it up.

Senora Porter:
[checks paper] Oh my gosh, Axl, I'm so sorry.

Axl Heck:
She shouldn't have been texting. Her last one was "Record Matlock". She'll never see that episode a fourth time.

Sue Heck:
Axl, do something. Mom's really liking this place. I don't wanna move.

Axl Heck:
Don't worry. If Dad doesn't like it, it's not happening. We once looked at a sandwich shop 'cause Mom thought she could run it.

Axl Heck:
That's democracy in action, Jackson!

Frankie Heck:
Sue has decided not to try out for anything this fall.

Mike Heck:
Hey, she's finally given up. That is good news.

Frankie Heck:
The bad news is I got an e-mail from Ms. Tompkins - Brick's social skills teacher. I guess she wants to meet with us.

Mike Heck:
Again? When is that woman gonna realize she's underpaid, and check out?

Frankie Heck:
A pet? Oh, no. He kills pets.

Dr. Fulton:
Oh.

Frankie Heck:
But not on purpose. Mostly accidental. It's neglect really. And he feels bad. I mean, he doesn't cry. Not like a serial killer. I know they don't cry, either. They don't have any empathy for their victims. Like Brick, but he...

Dr. Fulton:
[writing] Okay. That's noted.

Sue Heck:
I have to practice everything with this box on my head until it all seems normal.

Axl Heck:
Yes! Thank you. Finally made Sue wear a box on her head. I've been pushing this for years.

Axl Heck:
I have no idea who I'm dating.

Sean Donahue:
What do you mean you don't know who you're dating?

Axl Heck:
I don't know, okay? They were both acting like they were dating me. It was weird.

Darrin:
Who'd you ask out? That would at least eliminate one.

Axl Heck:
I thought I called Courtney, but maybe I called Debbie instead. I don't know anymore!

Sean Donahue:
Come on, we can figure this out. Which one seems to like you more?

Axl Heck:
I can't tell 'cause they're always together. I mean, I assume I'd go for the blonde, but Debbie's really been riding me lately, so maybe she's my girlfriend.

Darrin:
Which one have you been making out with? [Axl looks sheepish]

Sean Donahue:
Oh... my... God. Three weeks, you haven't even kissed one? Maybe you're dating Darrin.

Darrin:
He could do worse. I'm kind, and I always show up on time.

Axl Heck:
I haven't been making out yet 'cause I'm never alone with whoever it is I'm dating.

Sue Heck:
Look! Look. They got Brick a bunny.

Axl Heck:
What? How come he gets a bunny and I don't?

Frankie Heck:
[in low voice] 'Cause Brick needs help and you don't, so Brick gets a bunny.

Axl Heck:
Oh, so he does weird stuff and gets things? I can do weird stuff. [flailing] Ooh! Aah! Blah-huh-hoo! Oowah. [stops] Now, get me a car.

Mike Heck:
Brick barely bonded with me. He's not bonding with Psycho Bunny.

Mike Heck:
Knock off the whooping.

Brick Heck:
The whooping? That's what this is about? I thought it was about the other thing.

Mike Heck:
The whispering?

Brick Heck:
No, I have to say the Pledge of Allegiance twenty times before I go to bed. [whispers] Pledge of Allegiance.

Axl Heck:
Courtney! [kisses her]

Courtney:
Axl! [slaps him]

Axl Heck:
Uh, Debbie! [Debbie slaps him] What?

Debbie:
That was totally inappropriate.

Courtney:
Totally.

Axl Heck:
Hold on. Why are you mad? Because you're my girlfriend's best friend or because you're my girlfriend and I kissed you inappropriately in front of your best friend? [chasing after them] Wait! Don't go! One of you is really important to me!

Sue Heck:
Axl's locker was down this hall, and he would never let me walk down it, even though I had a class here. I would have to go outside, and the old crossing guard would have to lift me up so I could crawl through the window.

Brad Bottig:
Sue, we don't have a crossing guard.

Sue Heck:
Huh. Then who was that?

Mike Heck:
It's just... different. Axl and I were - you know, we spent a lot of time together. I don't really relate to Brick.

Brick Heck:
Right here, Dad.

Mike Heck:
Nothing I wouldn't say to your face.

Frankie Heck:
Oh my God, Mike! The Christmas village? I love setting up the Christmas village. All right, this is chaos. The guy with the newspaper is supposed to go in front of the bakery. You got him lurking around the school like he's some kind of pedophile. And, look, you got the carolers on the train track - like that's gonna end well.

Brick Heck:
Hey, look what I found! My Santa Pez dispenser! It slid out from underneath the seat the second time we almost died. It's a Christmas miracle!.

Mike Heck:
Hey, Axl, I'm going to the mall. Did you do your Christmas list?

Axl Heck:
Cash, a cell phone, and to be left alone.

Mike Heck:
Brick, did you make your list for Santa?

Brick Heck:
What I really want this year is some answers. What's the true meaning of Christmas? Are we here for a reason? What is the purpose of life?

Mike Heck:
How about a bike?

Axl Heck:
So where am I supposed to live now?

Mike Heck:
How about your room?

Axl Heck:
I can't go back to that dump after living in the garage.

Reverend TimTom:
Anyway, I'm headed up to Bloomington. They have this big interfaith snowball fight on campus where they work out thousands of years of conflict in a fun, safe environment. Would it be cool if I took some of your delicious cookies?

Sue Heck:
Yes!

Reverend TimTom:
I just wish there was more of 'em.

Sue Heck:
Oh, well, I have a thousand more in the car. I mean that. A thousand.

Frankie Heck:
Okay, those are from the J.J. Macky Christmas mailer, and they represent presents to come.

Axl Heck:
[gasps] A Camaro? Awesome!

Frankie Heck:
Uh, turn it around.

Axl Heck:
A shirt?

Frankie Heck:
If you had one word to describe me?

Axl Heck:
Lazy!

Brick Heck:
Angry!

Sue Heck:
Tired!

Mike Heck:
You're-You're in Scouts? Since when?

Brick Heck:
Joined a couple of weeks ago. Did I not tell you?

Frankie Heck:
You did not.

Brick Heck:
Then who did I tell?

Mike Heck:
You're taking life advice from Sue? You've seen her life, right?

Mike Heck:
Hang on. Isn't this your social skills group?

Brick Heck:
Yeah. We went to a regular Scout meeting before, but, after a few weeks, they decided to give us our own troop. Wasn't that nice?

Eddie Stokes:
[to boy with knife] That's how you hold a knife when you're whittling. [changes knife position] That's how you hold a knife when you're gonna kill a man.

Sue Heck:
Okay, listen, Darrin. I've been thinking. That punch in the face was a real slap in the face.

Mike Heck:
Frankie, you weren't there. I've never seen anything like it. This girl was like a Bond villain. She says words that seem nice, but they're not. They're evil.

Mike Heck:
I don't get how you can watch your daughter do something like this to somebody and not feel the need to say anything.

Steve:
Well, it's not really my job to force my daughter to do something she doesn't want to do.

Mike Heck:
Actually, that's your exact job. That is your job and my job to help our kids be nice. To teach them how to be decent.

Frankie Heck:
Let's not think of it as camping. Let's think of it as outdoor family fun.

Brick Heck:
But we don't wanna go.

Frankie Heck:
Fine. Forced family fun.

Axl Heck:
You're dragging us into the woods against our will. That's kidnapping.

Mike Heck:
Hm. If we were gonna kidnap some kids, you'd be far down the list.

Frankie Heck:
Axl, put your shoes on.

Axl Heck:
Can't. I forgot'em.

Frankie Heck:
What? You forgot shoes? How does a person forget shoes?

Axl Heck:
How does a person forget a snack bag? I guess the shoes I'm not wearing are now on the other foot.

Sue Heck:
Axl chip-clipped my eye.

Mike Heck:
Axl!

Sue Heck:
It really hurts! But I left it on so you could see what he did to me.

Axl Heck:
It's her fault. I was aiming for her mouth, but she moved.

Frankie Heck:
Axl! What were you thinking? You could have really hurt your sister. And now the chips are gonna get stale!

Frankie Heck:
We came here to have family fun, and that's what we're gonna do.

Axl Heck:
So you're finally going to let us go over to the Winnebago and watch TV?

Frankie Heck:
No. We're playing a board game that I brought.

Axl Heck:
Ugh. Even in the woods we're the poorest people!

Frankie Heck:
Stop it, you two! You're ruining Battle Boggleopoly!

Nicky Kohlbrenner:
You know, in an alternate universe you and I could have been very happy together.

Frankie Heck:
That's right, Mike. I almost consummated our marriage with Nicky Kohlbrenner.

Frankie Heck:
Wake up! Wake up!

Mike Heck:
Frankie, what's going on?

Frankie Heck:
Sue's got her period and there's a bear outside!

Sue Heck:
Mom!

Axl Heck:
Oh! What's with the screaming?

Frankie Heck:
There's a bear, and Sue got her period!

Axl Heck:
What?

Frankie Heck:
Run, run. Everybody get to car. [running] Bear! Bear! My daughter got her period! Everybody run! Run away!

Mike Heck:
Really, Sue, now?

Sue Heck:
I couldn't help it.

Frankie Heck:
It's a girl with her period! There have been studies! Make way!

Sue Heck:
Mom! You said you weren't gonna tell!

Sue Heck:
Oh no! He's so little - he's gonna be like an appetizer!

Brick Heck:
[as bear rocks car] We're all gonna die!

Mike Heck:
All right. Everyone quiet! I'll handle this. [to bear] Hey!

Frankie Heck:
"Hey"? That won't even get the Glossners off our front lawn.

[first lines]

Frankie Heck:
What is the perfect American family? Who knows exactly?

Frankie Heck:
There's a kid in Japan who would love to come to Indiana.

Axl Heck:
Why?

Mike Heck:
A foreign exchange kid? I don't know, Frankie. We have enough trouble paying attention to the kids we have.

Sue Heck:
Do we get to exchange someone? 'Cause I vote for Axl.

Brick Heck:
I'm in. This is way better than the dog you wouldn't let me get. Can we name him Rex?

Sue Heck:
God, this is so exciting. We're actually in the international section of the airport. Those people over there just got off the plane from Toronto... Canada.

Frankie Heck:
I wanted a cultural exchange, and instead I get another sullen teen. I mean, what's with his parents sending him over here? I would never saddle some poor Japanese family with Axl.

Mike Heck:
What is with you? You've been nuts ever since he got here. I knew this was a mistake, but, no, you just had to have this kid.

Brick Heck:
[worriedly] Are you talking about me?

Mike Heck:
No. Once we knew you were coming, we were happy about it.

Frankie Heck:
Well, congratulations, Takayuki. You wanted to see America? You're seeing it. This is an American family. Yeah, we yell and fight, we eat bad food, we watch too much TV, and we bribe our kids.

Brick Heck:
Not all of them.

Frankie Heck:
Give it a rest, Brick.

Frankie Heck:
We dropped the ball. He didn't learn to play. He can't make friends. He's gonna miss his childhood. And it's all our fault.

Mike Heck:
Let's just take a step back a second. Is childhood really that great?

Mike Heck:
Your mom and I found this ticket stub, and we are very disappointed...

Sue Heck:
I'm sorry! I'm so sorry. I should have listened to you. You were right. You were totally right. I'm not ready to see an R-rated movie. They said and did weird things. And how could he sleep with his wife and then sleep with his wife's sister the next day? It was disgusting! And that's not even the worst of it. Mom always tells me to put just one pump of butter on my popcorn, but I put three pumps 'cause I thought I could handle it. But I couldn't, Dad, I couldn't handle it. I threw up on the theater floor. Oh, God. How could I ever doubt you?

Mike Heck:
I'm kind of running out of things to take from you, Sue.

Sue Heck:
Well, sometimes after school I like to go over to the soccer field and watch the guy mow the lawn.

Mike Heck:
All right, you can't do that for two weeks. Matter of fact, that's kind of strange. Why don't you stop doing that altogether?

Axl Heck:
You can't just throw domesticated bunnies back into the wild, Brick. They don't know what to do. They don't know how to climb a tree to get an apple, and they can't outrun a pack of angry cows. Come on! Use your head.

Tag Spence:
You ever read that book "Tuesdays with Morrie"?

Mike Heck:
No, I don't think I have.

Tag Spence:
Every Tuesday this Morrie fella meets with a former student of his and he tells him his life stories and his wisdom and so on before he dies.

Mike Heck:
Oh God.

Tag Spence:
So, clear your schedule, Mike, 'cause unlike Morrie, I ain't dyin'. I've got loads of time.

Brick Heck:
The only person who wanted the bunnies was a man who worked at The Frugal Hoosier. On a related note, I do not think Mom should buy chicken there anymore.

Mike Heck:
So, I didn't read the book, but I assume the guy ends up shooting Morrie?

Mike Heck:
There's one story in your book that really stayed with me.

Tag Spence:
You mean the one about the bathroom stall in Wichita?

Mike Heck:
No. No, the one where you had to fire your friend, but you said the best way to do it was just look him in the eye and tell him the truth.

Tag Spence:
To be fair, the same thing applies to the stall in Wichita.

Frankie Heck:
Look, if you're so miserable, just tell him you don't want to do it.

Mike Heck:
I can't do that. You can do that to your own family, not the one you married into. You got off easy. My dad's a hoarder who never wants to leave the house or talk to anybody.

Frankie Heck:
And I am thankful for that every single day.

Axl Heck:
Have you been living under a rock? Once these guys go viral, we're gonna be fighting off the offers. Think about it. If you had a chance to own the sneezing panda, wouldn't you? The skateboarding dog? The monkey that smells his own poo and faints? This is not just sound business. This is genius. And, now that I think about it, a possible career path.

Mike Heck:
Church was turning into a hostage situation. The man would not stop talking.

Axl Heck:
Dude, this place already kicks our church's ass!

Frankie Heck:
Axl!

Axl Heck:
Sorry. "Church's butt".

Brick Heck:
Maybe your business is spending more time with your little brother. Think about it. You'll be going off to college in 1 to 3 years.

Axl Heck:
Huh. Maybe you're right. Maybe I should spend more time with the less fortunate. Like how Jesus chilled with the lepers.

Sue Heck:
Um, how old is he exactly?

Mr. Jennings:
Fourteen. But we don't trust him to stay home alone.

Sue Heck:
Oh, hold on. I'm not sure...

Mrs. Jennings:
Now, there's a few basic things you should know. He can't drink pop or he will freak out.

Mr. Jennings:
And absolutely no ice of any kind or he will freak out.

Mrs. Jennings:
And don't let him watch anything too violent.

Mr. Jennings:
Or even too colorful.

Mrs. Jennings:
Or he will freak out.

Mr. Jennings:
And he has to put on his pull-ups before bed, but you can't call them diapers or he will freak out.

Mrs. Jennings:
They're his space pants.

Mr. Jennings:
Okay, well, then, that's it. We'll be home around ten.

Mrs. Jennings:
Oh, uh, one more thing. Tyler thinks he's babysitting you, and if he finds out that you're babysitting him, he will...

Sue Heck:
Freak out?

Mrs. Jennings:
Big freakout.

Mr. Jennings:
Huge.

Axl Heck:
Rematch!

Brick Heck:
I've already given you a hundred rematches. I'm retiring my paddle.

Axl Heck:
Okay, just hear me out. If you beat me, I'll do your homework for a month.

Brick Heck:
Thanks, but I'd like to see the fifth grade.

Axl Heck:
Okay. I won't make you do my homework for a month.

Brick Heck:
Throw in this guitar pick, and you're on.

Axl Heck:
Fine. But what do you want my pick for?

Brick Heck:
Oh, I like to lick it. This way I don't have to do it in secret anymore.

Sue Heck:
There are other things going on in the world you know. Troubled teens are getting tattoos in their underwear area.

Sue Heck:
Maybe I'm just not meant to drive. My drive to drive drove my friends away. So I'm done being that driven to drive.

Reverend TimTom:
So you're in a rough patch. You know who else hit a rough patch? Jesus. He was dead. But then three days later he was back on his feet rocking it Resurrection style.

Mike Heck:
Aw, I bet they thought you looked cute.

Sue Heck:
They used me as a table, Dad. I just felt like, I don't know, everyone got some memo or something that I didn't get. I mean, since when do you have to wear a teeny Catholic schoolgirl outfit with fishnets to have a conversation?

Mike Heck:
You know, your Mom really likes to chat at night.

Sue Heck:
Is that all boys like? Is that all you liked?

Mike Heck:
She's not a deep sleeper. You could just poke her. She'll wake right up.

Sue Heck:
It's just... at my school, people don't always, you know, know who I am, and I've always been pretty okay with that. But now I'm in high school, and there's just all these boys. And the girls are different and the boys are different, and I'm just not on anybody's radar. And I don't know exactly why. Is it something I'm doing?

Mike Heck:
Uh, you know, maybe you could stop dressing like a third-grader.

Sue Heck:
Oh my God.

Mike Heck:
Oh no, Sue, I didn't-I didn't mean...

Sue Heck:
No, you're right. I get what you're saying.

Mike Heck:
You do?

Sue Heck:
Yeah! Yeah, you know, I-I've changed a lot on the inside; maybe my outsides haven't changed as much. I gotta bring my inner Sue out. Like when Beyonce became Sasha Fierce. Thanks, Dad.

Mike Heck:
Okay. Sure. [pauses] We can talk again. But if feels like we don't need to.

Mike Heck:
Axl, is Sue, you know, fitting in at school?

Axl Heck:
She's kinda getting a pass right now 'cause everyone thinks she's just one of those freaks who likes to dress up for the whole week of Halloween. But if she carries this into November, I won't be able to help her.

Sue Heck:
I went to the mall, and I almost got this shirt that said "I believe I can fly" that had a hippo with wings, but then the salesgirl said this is more what high school girls are wearing. Do I look mature?

Frankie Heck:
You don't have a problem with the shirt. You have a problem with what's inside the shirt. She's growing up, Mike. I don't know what to tell you.

Mike Heck:
I do. Let's stop it.

Axl Heck:
[Sue is dressed as a die] Aren't you too old to still be dressing up for Hall-lame-ween?

Sue Heck:
It's a costume party, Axl, so why don't you just shut up?

Axl Heck:
Why don't you just get lost like all the rest of the dice in this house? Hm?

Axl Heck:
Check me out! I just read this whole book cover to cover.

Mike Heck:
Wow. First "Cat in the Hat", and now this.

Sue Heck:
Picking a keychain! Which one do you guys like? I've been collecting them over the years, and now that I'm gonna drive, it's finally time to choose. This one's "I 'heart' New York". I've got, like, four "Brown County" ones. This one says "I'm going commando". I don't really get it, but I do support the military.

Brick Heck:
Well, I did it. I completed your challenge.

Frankie Heck:
Challenge? What challenge?

Brick Heck:
I ate all my candy in 24 hours just like you said.

Mike Heck:
You told him to eat all his candy?

Frankie Heck:
No.

Brick Heck:
You said I had to finish it.

Frankie Heck:
No, I didn't. [to Mike] I thought he would eat some, get sick, and not want the rest. You know, like when someone starts smoking and you force them to smoke an entire carton of cigarettes.

Mike Heck:
Not really helping your case for Mother of the Year.

Frankie Heck:
How in the world could you possibly have eaten all that candy?

Brick Heck:
It wasn't easy, but I powered through.

Frankie Heck:
There's nothing left? Not even a Tootsie Roll? You know, for the soldiers.

Frankie Heck:
That kid has a year and a half of candy coursing through his veins.

Mike Heck:
He's more sugar than boy.

Frankie Heck:
But it's made him... normal. I'm telling you, we have stumbled onto something here. It's like "Lorenzo's Oil". People should know about this.

Mike Heck:
Frankie, nobody ever needs to know about this.

Axl Heck:
Look, this is important. My whole life people have been telling me what to do. "Sit up straight." "That cup's not a toilet." "Clean your room." Well, now I finally have a say. Now I get to tell America to clean its room.

Sue Heck:
But I'm scared. What if I mess up again?

Axl Heck:
Sue! Let me tell you why I'm so awesome. You see, even when I have no idea what I'm doing, I pretend I do. That's why I'm good at everything. This guy, Harry Butts - he should be living in a hole, but he has the guts to put his name on signs all over town and run for office. If he could do that, then you gotta step it up and get me there so I can vote for him. Do it for America!

Sue Heck:
I just love America so much. I'll do it!

Frankie Heck:
Well, you know, Brick, you're at that age when boys and girls are starting to notice each other. You just might not be there yet.

Brick Heck:
Oh, I'm there. I'm definitely there.

Mike Heck:
You are?

Brick Heck:
Big time. There's this girl I really like - Harper.

Frankie Heck:
Really? Oh, wow, Brick. So what is it that you like about her? Is she into books like you?

Brick Heck:
No. Over the summer, she got her b*obs.

Sue Heck:
There is only one way to fix this.

Ashley:
Hemlock?

Becky:
Quit because we suck?

Ruth:
Prayer circle?

Sue Heck:
No. Team bonding sleepover. Mandatory!

Frankie Heck:
Axl, why did you take all my stuff out?

Axl Heck:
God, you're so selfish. You have all week to relax and do all the laundry you want.

Sue Heck:
Oh, spirits, I know this is your busy season with Halloween coming up and all, but, if it's cool with you, we would like to contact the spirit of... Christopher Columbus.

Becky:
Christopher Columbus?

Sue Heck:
He discovered America, you guys, and I just love America so much!

Frankie Heck:
So Axl was with books and Brick was with a girl. We're chalking this up to Halloween.

Sue Heck:
Ehlert Motors is having a Hands on a Hard Body contest this weekend. The last person with their hand on the car wins it. Can you possibly think of a more perfect contest for me? I mean, who has more practice standing than me? I mean, I stand off to the side at dances, in gym waiting to be picked. I stand through half my classes because there aren't enough desks due to budget cuts. We're supposed to trade off, but nobody does. [laughs] I'm gonna win myself a car!

Sue Heck:
You guys gotta stop leaving half-open cans of pop. It is bringing bees! Oh, it's like The Hunger Games out here. I don't know how much more of this I can handle.

Woman:
Did I mention I once did a yoga retreat where I spent two days in the warrior pose? Might as well give up now, sweetheart.

Sue Heck:
Really? You think I should give up? Let me tell you something about me. I never, ever give up. I have not made a hundred things, but I still try out. When they tell me I didn't make the team, I ask to be manager. When there are no parts in the play for me, I ask to make the programs. The more I fail, the stronger I get. My whole life has led me to this moment! So I will stand here on my one burning leg for as long as it takes, so, ha! Ha, ha, ha. [gasps] Ah, I think I just swallowed a fly. But I am still not giving up!

Woman:
Oh, you can't beat crazy.

Mike Heck:
Hey, buddy, how's it going?

Frankie Heck:
Mind if we chat a minute?

Axl Heck:
Oh no. No, go away. I don't need you. Don't worry about the interview. I got it covered.

Frankie Heck:
Do you, Axl? This is huge. Now this recruiter is not just looking at football. He's going to be looking to see whether you're the kind of kid they want at their school.

Axl Heck:
Duh. I know how to behave in situations.

Mike Heck:
Oh yeah? You once stuck gum to the side of a casket at a funeral. You're not allowed to "duh" us.

Sue Heck:
"Help", Brick? You know a bajillion words and that's the one you go with? "Help"?

Brick Heck:
No, I said "kelp".

Sue Heck:
I can't go back to a landline. I just can't. It's like being chained to a wall!

Frankie Heck:
You know, every time Nancy Donahue said "Axl's so polite at our house", I assumed she was lying to spare my feelings. And once your English teacher wrote "A pleasure to have in class" on the back of your report card. I thought it was a typo. But you are a pleasure, aren't you?

Axl Heck:
Okay. Liking the words, confused about the bulging neck veins.

Frankie Heck:
They're bulging because I'm wondering how you can be all charming and Colin Firth-y with this guy and Nancy Donahue and God knows who else. How come you never bring your best for us, huh?

Axl Heck:
Oh, like you bring your best for us.

Frankie Heck:
Wait, what? I bring my best. I bring my best 24/7.

Axl Heck:
Yeah, right. I don't see you bringing me dip and lemonade. It's always "I'm too tired. Make your own lunch." Well, the color of the pot is black vis-a-vis the kettle.

Frankie Heck:
We're not talking about me. We're talking about you. Ugh. You were so amazing tonight, I can't even look at you.

Mike Heck:
I know. [angrily] Nice job!

Frankie Heck:
You know, I like that Jack. My dip was kind of gross and he still ate it.

Mike Heck:
I'll like him more when he gives Axl a free ride. And don't ever make that dip again.

[after Frankie breaks down and admits that they've been secretly driving the Donahues' new car while they were away]

Nancy Donahue:
Why would I ever hate you? I hate myself for not telling you to drive it in the first place! Seriously. What is the point of having a brand new car if you can't share it with your neighbors? I'm *thrilled* you drove it!

Ron Donahue:
Absolutely! You saved one of us from getting the first scratch and fighting with each other about it.

[laughs]

Ron Donahue:
Thanks, man!

[Donahues leave smiling and laughing]

Frankie Heck:
Well, now I know what's behind that Wall Of Nice. Big rolling fields of nice! I mean, they're just great. So, so great.

Mike Heck:
Yep. They really deserve better neighbors than us.

Frankie Heck:
Oh, God, this is crazy. Look at us. We're taking the Donahues' Passat, lying to each other, sneaking around. We can't keep doing this. We have to make a schedule.

Matt:
Mr. Heck, it's imperative I speak with your daughter, but she's gone radio silence on me.

Mike Heck:
Here's the deal, Matt. We stole a car, and it's imperative we clean it. So, if you want to join this family, which I don't know why you would, grab a rag.

Axl Heck:
Oh, God, I can't afford to lose the Donahues. They feed me real food. They taught me how to brush my teeth. If I lose that family, I've only got this family.

Brick Heck:
It's my teacher Mr. Wilkerson. He's a man. I like women. I like their bosoms.

Mike Heck:
We all do, Brick, but right now you're in a bosomless situation. You gotta make the best of it.

Brick Heck:
But when he asks you a question, he throws the answer ball. If I have to catch a ball, it's gonna be a long year.

Mike Heck:
Yeah, but, Brick, they're all going to gym, you're not. What are the other kids gonna say?

Brick Heck:
I don't know. But I'll tell you what they won't be saying. "Hey, there goes Brick. Let's get him."

Frankie Heck:
I cannot believe you wouldn't flip your sister.

Axl Heck:
It's embarrassing.

Frankie Heck:
Doesn't matter, Axl. You flip. You flip your family.

Axl Heck:
You weren't there. [shows phone] Look.

Frankie Heck:
Oh. You can't stop to flip your sister, but you have time to take a picture?

Axl Heck:
Worse. I got sent a picture of "Turtle Girl" by thirty-seven different people!

Frankie Heck:
[checking phone] Oh no.

Axl Heck:
Thank you! Do you get it now? Do you see how she is ruining my life?

Frankie Heck:
What about Turtle Girl's feelings? Do you ever think how Turtle Girl feels?

Axl Heck:
Turtle Girl never had anything to lose.

Sue Heck:
Stop calling me Turtle Girl!

Axl Heck:
I've worked too hard being too awesome, and Sue is not gonna drag me down to dorkdom with her.

Mike Heck:
He wants us to interface on a weekly basis, whatever that is, and we're supposed to fill out this parenting style questionnaire.

Frankie Heck:
You brought back homework? Way to go, Hammer. Why didn't you say no?

Mike Heck:
'Cause I didn't have the answer ball. Okay?

Axl Heck:
I mean, if I turtled like that at school, I would have packed it in and made Mom home-school me. But you're weird. You don't give up. You're like this dork optimist.

Mike Heck:
Hey, Brick, your teacher's on my computer. I don't want to talk to him. How do I get rid of this guy?

Brick Heck:
Hit "Escape". Also, he can hear you.

Sue Heck:
I was at the orthodontist's office and in this travel magazine there was this little card you had to fill out with "I love 'blank' York" and mail it in. I put "New", and I guess I was right. Phew. So lucky. I was this close to saying "Michael".

Sue Heck:
Axl, get up. It's my turn. It's been more than twenty minutes.

Axl Heck:
Well, on land maybe. You don't know how long it's been up here. A minute Earth time is like an hour in the sky. Maybe you'll learn that if you ever get to high school.

Sue Heck:
[droning] And in meet 30, I really hit my stride.

Frankie Heck:
Sue, get up. Your shift's over.

Sue Heck:
But-but it seems like I just got here.

Business Traveler:
You heard your mom. Get up.

Frankie Heck:
I am trying to build memories for our family. Memories for our daughter so she has something to write about besides lettuce.

Sue Heck:
You read my diary?

Frankie Heck:
We all have.

Sue Heck:
So that's it? I win a contest, probably the biggest thing to happen to me in my life, and now we're just gonna - gonna go home? Wow. Even when I win, I lose.

Mike Heck:
All right. I'll take football.

Frankie Heck:
No way. Why do you get football?

Mike Heck:
I'm a guy.

Frankie Heck:
Oh, come on. Cross country's a sport, too.

Mike Heck:
Is it? They run into the woods and come out two hours later. Lost dogs do the same thing.

Mike Heck:
You're growing up fast, Brick. Really fast.

Brick Heck:
I know. Can you tie my shoe?

Sue Heck:
How's my time? Am I winning?

Frankie Heck:
Oh, not exactly. The other runners have all come in.

Sue Heck:
Oh really? Well, I lost some time in the woods. An angry raccoon wouldn't let me stay on the path. And I fell into a pricker bush and it took a while to get out. And then I threw up a little. But I think I'm on a runner's high now.

Frankie Heck:
Axl, sweetie, are you okay?

Axl Heck:
Please tell me I'm dead.

Axl Heck:
Well, if you wanted to wait sixteen years until the perfect moment to destroy my life so I can never show my face outside this house again, congratulations, Mom, your evil plan worked.

Sue Heck:
Well, I think Axl's being a baby. Embarrassment's an important part of sports. My coach told me that.

Mike Heck:
I just don't get it. When's that kid gonna grow up?

Frankie Heck:
Why are you in such a hurry for him to grow up? So he can, quick, be a teenager like Axl and have nothing to do with us? Don't wish the time away, Mike.

Reverend Deveaux:
So, Brick, what do you mean you feel invisible?

Frankie Heck:
Oh, he's not invisible. Just ignore him.

Reverend Deveaux:
Ignore him?

Frankie Heck:
No, not ignore. It's just he says things sometimes, but don't pay attention.

Reverend Deveaux:
You don't pay attention to him?

Frankie Heck:
No, we do. But it's just he's insignificant in this conversation. He's not invisible. [accidentally hits Brick] Sorry, Brick.

Axl Heck:
No, you don't understand. I haven't eaten in four days. I went full bear mode. I literally have had nothing but a handful of Chex mix and a plum in the last 96 hours. Let's just go. Let's leave him here.

Frankie Heck:
Yeah, that's a great idea, Axl. We've just been accused of treating him like he's invisible and now you're suggesting we ditch him.

Mike Heck:
We can't, right?

Frankie Heck:
Mike!

Mike Heck:
What? We got our worst player in there. We're never gonna get out of here.

Sue Heck:
This is terrible. If we're in trouble with Reverend Deveaux, we're in trouble with God. You know they talk.

Frankie Heck:
So you just took a sip and you spit it back out?

Sue Heck:
Yeah.

Frankie Heck:
I don't think you were drunk.

Sue Heck:
No, I was. It affects me differently. My body's not full of alcohol like yours.

Sue Heck:
Something happened. I had reduced inhibitions. You don't know what I did. You didn't see it. I did a terrible, terrible thing. I don't even want to say. It was so horrible.

Frankie Heck:
Sue.

Sue Heck:
I twerked!

Reverend Deveaux:
You know, I-I don't think fake giggling while being tickled counts as a sin.

Sue Heck:
Brick, what are you doing? You didn't kill another pet, did you?

Brick Heck:
No, I don't even have a pet right now. Do I? I'm planting a tomato.

Axl Heck:
That's weird.

Brick Heck:
I found it in my backpack.

Axl Heck:
Oh, that's much more normal then.

Brick Heck:
I must have left it in there from when we were learning about photosynthesis.

Axl Heck:
Ha! That sounds like a school word, Brick. It's summer, leave the learning inside.

Frankie Heck:
Look at this, you guys. It's a triple feature. "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang", "Fiddler on the Roof", and "Serpico".

Mike Heck:
Mm. Two bucks a car. It makes sense.

Sue Heck:
I've never even heard of any of those movies. You never said they were going to be old movies.

Frankie Heck:
They're not old. They're classic.

Axl Heck:
Classic is code for lame. I mean, how could it not be. The first one has chitty right in the title.

Axl Heck:
God, this is lame. Every year they go through some kind of mid-life crisis. Thank God their lives are more than halfway over.

Axl Heck:
Everybody has a favorite everything, and, in this family, I'm the favorite kid.

Sue Heck:
Ha! That's hilarious. Why would you be their favorite? You cause them so much stress, you get bad grades, you do dumb things with your friends. There is no way you're their favorite.

Axl Heck:
Oh, there is way. I was their firstborn. I was born when they still had love to give.

Brick Heck:
Well, actually, I'm the baby, so I'm pretty sure I'm their favorite.

Axl Heck:
You're a loser who misses a tomato. I win.

Brick Heck:
Believe what you want, but in every book, every movie, the baby is always the favorite.

Axl Heck:
Not when he's an accident.

Brick Heck:
That is not true! Sue?

Sue Heck:
They called you "Oops" until you were three. Look, there is two of you, and I am the only girl. Everyone knows girls are easier. I am so, so nice. I'm pretty sure it's clear who the favorite would be, if they had a favorite, which they don't.

Axl Heck:
Sue, think about it. What do you really contribute to this family? I mean, "Oops" is freakishly smart, I got recruiters all wanting a piece of the Ax. And, hm, what has Sue Sue Heck really brought to the party?

Mike Heck:
I'm just saying East Indiana State is closer. You gotta consider that. I still don't know how much they're gonna play you, but I like the package they're putting together.

Axl Heck:
I don't want to be closer. I want to be as far away from you people as possible. It's like when Tevye decided his town was too small, so he went on the flying car to New York to become a cop.

Mike Heck:
You do know that's three separate movies?

Sue Heck:
Of course, it would make sense that Axl would be your favorite. You spend more time with him, and he's a boy and everything, and I've got to own that.

Mike Heck:
Sue, he's not my favorite. It's just a dumb thing I said.

Sue Heck:
[hand up] Owning it. But it's not enough to just own it. I have to fix it. And that's why I'm declaring this "The Summer of Sue and Dad".

Mike Heck:
Wow. That's a... big book.

Sue Heck:
Yes, it is. And you and I are gonna fill every single page with special memories we make starting now. [snaps picture] Ahh! Adorbs. I'm gonna go print it out right now!

Mike Heck:
Okay.

Frankie Heck:
Infinite love. Could have been so easy.

Frankie Heck:
What's this I just found under your bed?

Axl Heck:
I swear it's not mine.

Frankie Heck:
It's a report card with your name on it.

Axl Heck:
Oh, yeah. That's mine.

Axl Heck:
Well, I can explain, all right. The first half of the year I didn't even know I was taking it. I thought I had a free period. Then everyone was too far ahead and I was totally lost.

Frankie Heck:
In English.

Axl Heck:
That shouldn't even be a requirement. I've been speaking it, like, half my life.

Sue Heck:
Do you guys have favorite kids?

Frankie Heck:
I like those Donahues.

Sue Heck:
No, of us. Mom, I really want to know this. Do you guys have favorite kids, among us kids? Do you guys have favorites?

Frankie Heck:
Honey, don't be ridiculous. Parents love all their kids infinitely. If there's infinite love, then it's not possible to love one more than the other because infinite love is infinite.

Mike Heck:
Guess I'd say Axl.

Sue Heck:
Dad!

Frankie Heck:
Mike!

Mike Heck:
So you're not their favorite parent. You're a solid second place.

Axl Heck:
Eh.

Frankie Heck:
"Eh"?

Axl Heck:
Mrs. Donahue sends Sean with extra cookies for my lunch.

Frankie Heck:
Do you know all three of your heads were unnaturally large thanks to your giant favorite parent over here's weird genetic quirk? And that, after twenty-seven months of carrying you people around, I can no longer sneeze or laugh or jump in the bouncy house without peeing?

Brick Heck:
Mom, you're better than this.

Frankie Heck:
I'm not, though, Brick, I'm really not. This is killing me. How could you pick Dad over me?

Brick Heck:
He says it's okay if my socks don't match.

Frankie Heck:
But it's not! Because people will think you're weird, and I'm only telling you that 'cause I love you more than Dad.

Axl Heck:
Uh, how many times have you taken 11th grade English? Because I've taken it twice now, so I think I know a little bit more than you.

Axl Heck:
I can't believe this. I finally finish my last English paper while we're pumping gas, and, instead of taking me out or buying me a reward, I'm stuck chauffeuring a tomato to a loser fest.

Brick Heck:
[after tomato's demise] This worked out just the way you wanted, didn't it, Axl? You saw that he was a champion, and you couldn't take that somebody else was gonna get the glory. You are a small, small, petty man.

Axl Heck:
God, Brick, it was an accident! What about my car?

Brick Heck:
Who drives a car into a demolition derby by mistake?

Axl Heck:
At least I placed fourth. If it wasn't for Sergeant Smashup, I would've medaled.

Frankie Heck:
As I said, we could all use a minute. Let's just get a fried pie, couple fried marshmallows. There's a fried butter stand right in there. Come on.

Frankie Heck:
You're home from work late. Were you with Limestone?

Axl Heck:
Who's Limestone?

Mike Heck:
Nobody.

Frankie Heck:
He's a cat.

Sue Heck:
We have a cat?

Brick Heck:
How long have we had a cat?

Frankie Heck:
It's not our cat. It's your dad's work cat that he never told us about.

Axl Heck:
Hey! How come you get a cat and we don't?

Sue Heck:
Can you bring him home? Can I feed him? Can he sleep in my room?

Brick Heck:
Why does he get to sleep in your room? I'm the one with no friends.

Mike Heck:
Nobody's getting the cat. The cat is dead.

Sue Heck:
Our cat died?

Frankie Heck:
Sue. Sue, wake up. Hey, Happy Birthday.

Sue Heck:
Oh, my God. Oh, what a surprise. Oh, you got me so good.

Frankie Heck:
Yeah.

Mike Heck:
Yeah, we got you good.

Sue Heck:
Oh, and I cried myself to sleep for nothing.

Brick Heck:
I feel like maybe next week she'll bite me.

Frankie Heck:
Here's hoping!

Axl Heck:
It's true, Sue. Teachers are lazy. They know it only takes a day to do a project, but if they gave us assignments every day, they'd have to grade them every day. They don't want it; we don't want it. It's an unspoken agreement. Who are you to mess with the American educational system? We're not number one in the world for nothing. Suck it, China! That's why they gotta make all our stuff for us.

Axl Heck:
...And another thing, why are you always raising your hand and asking questions like a dork? Stare at the clock and wait for the bell to ring like a normal person.

Sue Heck:
Excuse me if I like to participate.

Frankie Heck:
What's going on?

Axl Heck:
So I'm sitting in my Life Skills class, minding my own business, when Hurricane Sue rolls in blowing geek and raining nerd everywhere.

Sue Heck:
What are you even doing in that class? It's for freshmen and sophomores only, not loser seniors who missed it 'cause they were taking Math two times.

Axl Heck:
Ha! It was English I took twice. Who's the idiot now?

Brick Heck:
Hello, Mother. Hello, Father. So now I need a therapist? Am I really that weird?

Frankie Heck:
Look, you're no weirder than you've ever been. It's just that suddenly the school seems to care.

Brick Heck:
Don't you think that's something we should talk about? What happened to "You're growing up, Brick. We should include you in the conversations, Brick."?

Mike Heck:
It's good for you, and it's free. You're doing it.

Axl Heck:
Got a really big project tomorrow, so I'm just gonna watch a few hours of TV to get the brain fired up, and get started.

Sue Heck:
Don't bother. It's already done and tied up and stuffed in a bag by the door. As should you be for your lackluster effort.

Frankie Heck:
Wait. Wasn't this project both of yours?

Sue Heck:
Yes.

Axl Heck:
Yes. But I guess she went ahead and did it without me. Can you believe this? I was so looking forward to learning, and she robbed me of that. She's so selfish!

Sue Heck:
That's it. We're gonna get an "F". I'm the kid who gets "F"s now. That's who I am. Maybe I'll just get a tattoo.

Axl Heck:
That's it? You're just gonna give up? Oh, my God, what is your problem? It's not even due yet, we've got, like, five minutes. We can do this.

Axl Heck:
Alan Hung! What's up, buddy? You can, like, hack into people's computers, right? 'Cause there's this paper on my sister's computer, password is "Ihearttrying".

Wendell:
Looks like the incident of January 10th is not covered under Acts of God.

Mike Heck:
What?

Frankie Heck:
What? A tree branch fell down on our car. How is that not an Act of God? Tree - made by God, blown down by the wind - more God. That's actually double Act of God. We should be getting two checks.

Sue Heck:
Oh my God. Did you just eat that?

Frankie Heck:
Relax. Hm? There's hardly any left. You know, when I buy the good snacks...

Sue Heck:
Axl clipped his toenails in there. The chip bag. Axl clipped his toenails in the chip bag. You just ate Axl's toenails!

Sue Heck:
Mom ate your toenails.

Axl Heck:
[chuckles] Seriously?

Frankie Heck:
You clip your toenails into a chip bag? Who does that? What the hell is the matter with you?

Axl Heck:
What? You yell at me when I leave them on the table, you yell at me when I leave them in the chip bag. God, there's no pleasing you people.

Mike Heck:
What's going on?

Axl Heck:
Mom's wigging out because she ate my toenails.

Mike Heck:
What?

Frankie Heck:
[gagging] Aah!

Sue Heck:
Axl clipped his toenails into a chip bag and Mom ate'em.

Frankie Heck:
Stop saying it out loud!

Mike Heck:
Axl, apologize to your mother.

Axl Heck:
Why should I apologize? She ate my toenails one time. We eat her cooking every day.

Sue Heck:
I stole something. I stole an inspirational fridge magnet.

Frankie Heck:
A what?

Sue Heck:
A magnet for the fridge to hold papers and stuff. I just loved it so much and Dad wouldn't buy it for me, and now I just feel terrible, and I never thought I'd be the kind of person to steal something. But the magnet said "Think of the thing you cannot do and then do it", and so I thought about it and I did it. Oh my God, I'm a stealer. I stole!

Frankie Heck:
You didn't like your dehydrator?

Pat Spence:
It's ridiculous. I'm going to go buy four dollars a pound grapes and spend hours turning them into ninety-nine cent raisins? Use your head.

Frankie Heck:
You think that's a horrible gift? I got an inflatable foot bath.

Sue Heck:
You didn't like your foot bath?

Frankie Heck:
It's ridiculous. What about me says I'm the kind of person who wants to blow something up and stick my feet in it?

Frankie Heck:
You're confusing Mother's Day with Father's Day. Father's Day is great, and you know why? 'Cause a mom is running it.

Mike Heck:
How could we forget Mother's Day again? I count on you guys to remember this stuff.

Axl Heck:
How was I supposed to know it's even on a Sunday this year? I'm not a calendar.

Mike Heck:
So, listen, I wanna float something by you.

Frankie Heck:
Oh, no. That thing from the magazine? It's fun to think about, but I don't think it will work with our height difference,

Mike Heck:
I disagree, but, actually, I was talking about Mother's Day.

Frankie Heck:
[crying] I had a horrible Mother's Day!

Mike Heck:
What are you talking about? You said you had a great day.

Frankie Heck:
I lied. I couldn't find my glasses, and I shoved the spatula in the stuck drawer, and the freezer was all crusty, and I just frittered away the whole day. The whole day! And you guys had the best day ever in Brown County!

Mike Heck:
Oh, no, no. It wasn't that great. It was - It was hot, and it was crowded 'cause there were so many moms there. [Frankie sobs] No! That's not what I meant. Uh, we didn't have fun because we all missed you.

Frankie Heck:
Oh, please! Look at this picture! You have never been happier. It's as if you had the Mother's Day you would've had if I were dead!

Axl Heck:
[checking phone] The text. I finally got the text. Ha-ha! Yes! She said yes! I'm going to the prom with Ashley. Wait. Who's Ashley? God, I texted the wrong number. Thanks for the crappy phone with the small buttons, Mom and Dad!

Frankie Heck:
I'm sorry, Mike. I know I was acting crazy. It's just that sometimes as a mom, you know, you - when you're with your kids, you wanna be alone, and when you're alone, you wanna be with them. And it's like no matter where you are, you feel guilty you're not in the other place, you know?

Mike Heck:
No.

Frankie Heck:
No?

Mike Heck:
I don't feel guilt that way... ever. Sorry.

Frankie Heck:
Jeez. Fathers shouldn't even get a day. No guilt. That must be nice.

Mike Heck:
It really is.

Frankie Heck:
Stolen, Mike, my car was stolen. Why would someone steal our crappy car?

Mike Heck:
Probably for parts. 'Cause nobody would want that thing as a whole.

Frankie Heck:
Okay, guys, hit the couch. I am calling a family meeting.

Axl Heck:
What am I even doing here? I'm barely even a part of this family.

Frankie Heck:
Um, I have an empty fridge and a clogged toilet that says otherwise.

Sue Heck:
So we're not allowed to talk to you at all unless it's between 5:00 and 6:00?

Frankie Heck:
Well, that would probably be more of a phase two thing, but I like the way you're thinking.

Brick Heck:
I inadvertently chewed a girl's hair, so you might be getting a call from my teacher about that.

Mike Heck:
Here's all I need to know about you, Darrin. You're 19 and a male.

Darrin:
Actually, I'm 20. I skipped a grade. That's the one where you repeat a year, right?

Mike Heck:
No, that's getting held back.

Darrin:
Oh, yeah. That's the one I did.

Sue Heck:
Then what stuff? What else do you think I would do? [it dawns on her] Oh! Oh, my God! Dad! Do you even know me at all? No, that's not happening. I am not ready for that.

Mike Heck:
Oh, okay. Well, good, then.

Sue Heck:
Oh, and, by the way, when it does eventually happen, it is not going to be in a basement. It's going to be in front of a beautiful roaring fire and a Christmas tree.

Mike Heck:
Ah... I don't need the details.

Frankie Heck:
Brick wants to go to Don's Oriental Food.

Axl Heck:
Ugh. No way. No foreign food. I want spaghetti.

Axl Heck:
I really like her. I don't know what it is, but I just want to spend every day with her, you know. I just wanna be with her all the time. You ever feel like that about anybody?

Mike Heck:
Yeah. My old cat at the quarry. And your mom, of course.

Sue Heck:
What are you doing? Why are you sitting here?

Axl Heck:
Relax. I just want to talk. I'm, uh, kind of wondering what it's like to try something and fail, which is why I'm coming to you - the biggest failure I know.

Sue Heck:
Aww. Wait. Did you try at something?

Axl Heck:
What? No. Shut up!

Sue Heck:
You did! You tried at something. Is it ventriloquism? Is it yoga? Is it trying to get a butterfly to land on your finger?

Axl Heck:
No. What do you ev - ? Look, fine. I tried at school, okay?

Sue Heck:
Axl, that's amazing. Isn't it just so fun to try your hardest? So what's the problem?

Axl Heck:
The problem is I'm waiting for them to post the grades. You know, I've always been maybe a smart guy who didn't apply himself. But if I apply myself and fail, I might just be dumb.

Sue Heck:
So then you'll try again.

Axl Heck:
You know what, Sue? Your advice sucks. You failed at this conversation.

Sue Heck:
Well, I'm gonna keep trying!

Axl Heck:
[seeing Frankie with a suitcase] Mom's moving out! I knew it. I knew she didn't have the stomach to go the distance.

Frankie Heck:
You're not gonna believe this. I'm packed. I'm totally packed. I even bought one of those mini travel toothpastes, which is already in my toiletry bag.

Axl Heck:
Old people brag about the weirdest things.

Axl Heck:
I got all "B"s. You can't get any better than that. Whoo!

Sue Heck:
Besides, I'm the one who won us the trip, and you're saying you don't trust me enough to drive? You trusted me enough to leave my hand on that car for 24 hours. I peed a little bit in my pants. I deserve to drive.

Axl Heck:
Whoa, whoa, whoa. He met this girl on the Internet? This is getting creepy.

Frankie Heck:
No, I talked to the mom.

Sue Heck:
No, Axl's right. This could be a complete catfish situation. How do you know the mom isn't the girl?

Axl Heck:
Look, a grandpa could be the little girl. Well, I'm not going in there. I don't want to wake up without a kidney. I can just see the headline: "B-student Slain in Hillbilly Massacre. 'He was awesome,' said friends".

Sue Heck:
Mom, Dad... Are you guys disappointed in me, you know, 'cause I never make anything?

Mike Heck:
Oh, sure, I'm disappointed, hon. This is like the twelfth thing you've tried out for. I mean, I love not having to go to the events. [chuckles]

Frankie Heck:
This is the Super Bowl times a million, plus crowns; so nobody relapse. Not this weekend.

Mike Heck:
Frankie, I got some bad news. We're not British.

Axl Heck:
Yeah, we won the Civil War, so we don't have to care.

Frankie Heck:
She's arriving in a car as a commoner, but she leaves in a carriage as a princess.

Axl Heck:
Princess of what? Seriously, is she even allowed to behead people?

Sue Heck:
Mom, what are you doing? That TV costs $3000.

Frankie Heck:
Shh. It's just for the royal wedding.

Sue Heck:
But that's stealing.

Frankie Heck:
No, it's borrowing. I'm pay $25 to borrow it. So just be cool. You know what? [points] Be over there.

Mike Heck:
Come on, Frankie, lighten up.

Frankie Heck:
No! You lighten up! All you've done this past week is smirk and laugh and make fun of me. And what have I done for you? Wipe your snot, carry your vomit, take you sneaker shopping 'cause your old ones weren't awesome enough. How dare Mom ever want anything for herself. To celebrate that a girl could start the day as a commoner and end it as a princess. "Oh, ha-ha. It's stupid. It doesn't matter." Well, it matters to me! Yeah. And I don't have to explain it or justify it to any of you. That's right, there's no historical significance. I just think it's pretty!

Mike Heck:
Jeez, Frankie, calm down. You're getting all bloodshot.

Frankie Heck:
Oh no. You just don't get the needs of the common people, do you, Mike? Pretzels aren't important, royal weddings aren't important. Oh no, not like football! Do I talk smack about all this Colts stuff that you get? No. But I buy one little plate and suddenly, [flings hand, plate shatters] I'm crazy, I'm obsessed... [tearfully leaves]

Axl Heck:
God, who knew she cared so much about the royal wedding? She should have said something.

Frankie Heck:
Oh, I'm blind. Why is this happening to me? All I wanted was to have tea and scones and watch the royal wedding, and now I can't open my eyes and - ahh, my tears can't even get out!

Frankie Heck:
So, what was your high and what was your low of the day?

Axl Heck:
My low is right now.

Frankie Heck:
Fine. I'll do it. My high is having dinner here with my family. My low is the comment that Axl just made. Sue?

Sue Heck:
My high was that the guy who sits next to me in science saw me in the hallway today and seemed to sort of recognize me. My low was that I was wrong. He didn't.

Axl Heck:
[faux sneezing] Loser!

Mike Heck:
What did I say about sneezing words at your sister?

Brick Heck:
My low is realizing that my family never bought me a chair. My high is that I can eat food right off the table.

Axl Heck:
Oh, wait. I want to change my low.

Frankie Heck:
You know, someday your dad and I are not going to be around anymore and you're only going to have each other.

Sue Heck:
Are you dying? Oh my... that's why we're eating at the table - she's dying.

Frankie Heck:
No! I'm not dying.

Sue Heck:
Oh my God! Dad's dying.

Frankie Heck:
Nobody is dying!

Axl Heck:
Why can't we all just die now and get it over with.

Reverend TimTom:
[singing] "Jesus was a teenager, too. Beneath the long hair and pimples, King of the Jews. A lonely teenage savior no one could understand. Awkward on the outside, but inside a wise young man. Yeah, Jesus was a teenager, too."

Axl Heck:
God, what is going on? It's supposed to be Spring! Where is global warming when you need it?

Mike Heck:
All right. Mingle on three! One! Two...

Brick Heck:
Is that a sports thing again?

Mike Heck:
Seriously, Brick, you read a hundred books a day. Can't one of them be about sports?

Reverend TimTom:
I'm leaving 'cause I gotta keep roving. That's who I am, TimTom the Roving Rev. I hear there are a lot of troubled teens in Dayton, so I gotta move on.

Sue Heck:
But I just found you and now you're leaving? You gave me hope, and now everything just seems impossible.

Reverend TimTom:
You know, if you take the "Im" off of impossible, what do you get?

Sue Heck:
Im.

Reverend TimTom:
No, the other half.

Sue Heck:
Possible.

Reverend TimTom:
That's right, Sue Heck. Possible.

Sue Heck:
You remembered my name. You only met me twice and you remembered my name. That's why you have to stay. You get me.

Axl Heck:
It's a miracle! Thank you, old guitar dude.

Old Man:
I've been looking for you. You know, some people like to use ladybugs as their pest control. I like poison. Good old American poison.

Brick Heck:
Where are you going?

Frankie Heck:
To the fridge, Brick. I gotta get this in there. It's Frugal Hoosier milk. It may already be too late.

Mike Heck:
I promise you, nobody's breaking in here. Think about it. Joe's Subs has two things we don't - money and good food.

Sue Heck:
I just don't know what is going on in his head. He is such a rebel. I mean, yes, he does have a really good smell to him, and you wouldn't expect something like that from a Glossner. It's like honey and danger.

Axl Heck:
You know what I'm worried about? I'm worried that whatever's wrong with these two is lying dormant in me.

Dr. Fulton:
Well, Brick, we all have to learn to live with fear. And that includes this guy right here [points to self] I mean, for me, it's Shelly. I mean, I fear she may marry the guy she's dating right now just because he's decisive and buff. You know, but, if she decides to ruin her life like that, I just have to accept it and move on. Which isn't to say that I'll meet someone. I mean, not someone like Shelly. I mean, no one can be Shelly. I guess what I'm trying to say, Brick, is I very well may die alone.

Brick Heck:
So, I've decided from now on, I want to spend every moment I can with the things I cherish most. So, I'll be in my room with my books. Try not to bother me.

Derrick Glossner:
Yeah, well, don't worry about it, 'cause I'm not gonna kiss you again.

Sue Heck:
Good, 'cause it's gross, and I do not think about it at night while I fall asleep.

Frankie Heck:
I can't believe we got robbed. What kind of stupid robbers would rob us?

Brick Heck:
I hope they didn't steal my books.

Sue Heck:
What about my cross country sweatshirt? I knew I should have brought it.

Axl Heck:
If they stole your books and your cross country sweatshirt, they're the nerdiest robbers ever. Oh my God, my nunchucks!

Axl Heck:
Starving. [Frankie hands him large box] A box? Okay, this is officially the second worst breakfast you've ever made.

Sue Heck:
Be heartless. Got it. We can't use this box for garbage. This is the box my high chair came in.

Frankie Heck:
We're going full Oprah. Everything goes outside in the yard. Nothing comes back through the front door unless you convince me that you truly love it and need it.

Axl Heck:
Sue, go outside.

Sue Heck:
Oh, no. Closed? Ugh, now we're going to have to load everything back up.

Axl Heck:
No way. Let's just dump and run.

Sue Heck:
But - but the sign says "Do not leave items after hours".

Axl Heck:
There's no way we're carting all this crap back home. Stop wussing out and help me.

Sue Heck:
Ugh!

Voice on loudspeaker:
Do not leave items after hours.

Sue Heck:
Oh no. They're watching us.

Axl Heck:
Chill. It's just a recording.

Voice on loudspeaker:
This is not just a recording. You - boy with the red tricycle, girl with the straight hair. It is illegal to leave items after hours per Indiana penal code 35-45, section 3.

Mike Heck:
You were out with Cassidy pretty late last night. What time did you end up getting home?

Axl Heck:
I don't know. Why do you care so much? When I'm at school, you don't know what time I'm out.

Mike Heck:
I don't care. Just if you were dead in a ditch, I'd have ordered a medium pizza.

Axl Heck:
So Mom went to the slammer. You all thought it would be me first, but it was Mom. It's hilarious.

Frankie Heck:
I am not hauling my butt to court to pay some 180-buck fine for a stupid book that you're too lazy to look for. So stop screwing around and find it. You do not want to mess with me. I already have a record, people, I got nothing to lose.

Frankie Heck:
Brick found the book!

Brick Heck:
Oh, not the book. I found these coupons for half-off at The Pie House.

Frankie Heck:
Brick, look at my face. Do you have any sense of how angry I am right now?

Brick Heck:
Nothing pie wouldn't fix.

Frankie Heck:
I will kill you.

Sue Heck:
Okay, uh, no offense, Mom, but Orson is losing its number one Christian role model, and all you can think of is a dumb book.

Frankie Heck:
You have a dad, too. Why don't you tell him about any of this stuff? It wouldn't kill him to listen every once in awhile. Mike.

Mike Heck:
Hey! I listen plenty. But there's only so many hours in a day, and I got to spend most of them at work so I can pay off things like overdue library books. Brick.

Brick Heck:
It's not my fault I can't find the book. I live with the messiest person ever. Axl.

Axl Heck:
Hey, if I'm messy, it's because I'm crammed into half a room instead of having my own room in a mansion that we can't afford 'cause they put all our money into Sue's mouth!

Sue Heck:
Oh! And why do you think I need braces, Axl? It is because you drank all the milk that I was supposed to get to make my teeth strong and healthy. I never got one sip. You just drained Mom dry. That is why I have uncorrectable teeth and Brick is a foot shorter than he should be.

Axl Heck:
No! No! No! D-D-Don't blame that on me. He's short 'cause he's hunched over a book all the time. That's why all his growth spurts are this way. [bends horizontally] He keeps going, he's gonna be an "O".

Brick Heck:
Maybe I read all time 'cause Dad never took an interest in me. He's too busy coddling the milk hoarder.

Frankie Heck:
Was it irresponsible of him to lose that book? Yes. But books are his only friends. Tell him, Brick.

Brick Heck:
Well, I have made a few new friends. I mean, they don't invite me to do stuff, but I stand near them and they don't ask me to go away.

Frankie Heck:
Brick, did you learn your lesson?

Brick Heck:
Oh, I-I definitely did. Also, I learned that if my mom ever goes to jail again, I will tell my dad.

Frankie Heck:
My point is the police should be focusing on real crime, and not worrying about some kid's book that none of us can even remember what it's about.

Judge Stevenson:
It says here it's "Stormy Moon", $14.99 from Letter House Books. "The tantalizing tale of a handsome drifter who awakens the sensual desires of a lonely housewife. Stormy never dreamed when Lorenzo rebuilt her gazebo, he would also reignite her passion."

Frankie Heck:
Okay, I'll write you a check. Could you just wait a couple of weeks to cash it?

Sue Heck:
Mom, I need your advice. I was super excited when Brad asked me to be his partner after his original partner got mono and his replacement partner tore a ligament, and nobody answered his ad in the school paper. But I'm afraid he's just asking me in order to rekindle our romance.

Frankie Heck:
Uh, you know, I don't think you have to worry about that too much.

Sue Heck:
Are you sure?

Brad Bottig:
[calling out] Sue, I'm borrowing your leg warmers.

Frankie Heck:
Positive.

Axl Heck:
Okay, I know this whole thing with Brick is just a ploy to get my attention and it will not work. Oh my God. You're letting him wear your Colts jersey? You never let me wear it! What? He's your son now?

Brick Heck:
I've always been his son.

Axl Heck:
Ah-ha! So he admits it! You've been plotting and planning this since the day you were born.

Frankie Heck:
This is an outrage. If you're gonna shut off the power, do it at the top of the hour before I'm already hooked on "Conveyer Belt of Love".

Mike Heck:
We just gotta learn to manage our money a little bit better, which means until the quarry reopens, we just gotta find ways to cut back.

Axl Heck:
I vote we let Brick go. He's the weakest link. I say we just leave him in the woods and walk away.

Frankie Heck:
Great suggestion. But how about we buy less takeout food and I cook more?

Brick Heck:
I'll take my chances in the woods.

Frankie Heck:
[at church bingo] Look around, Mike. This is our future.

Mike Heck:
Actually, this is your future. All the men smartened up and died.

Brick Heck:
I just want to get out of dodgeball.

Frankie Heck:
Well, you're un-American.

Mike Heck:
What?

Frankie Heck:
That's right. 'Cause real Americans are raised on instant gratification and the optimism that if they mess up, things will somehow all work out. That's what makes America great.

Brick Heck:
Wait, who's the lion?

Mike Heck:
I am. I'm the lion. I'm the lion in ALL of the stories.

Axl Heck:
This is unfair. You're parents. It's your job to put your kids first.

Mike Heck:
Who says?

Axl Heck:
I'll tell you who says. "The Giving Tree". You're the ones who read us the book. The tree gave up all its leaves and - and its apples and its branches, and it let the little boy cut it down so it could be a canoe. And it didn't complain and go nuts and kick anyone off the TV. It wanted to be a stump. It was happy!

Axl Heck:
God, if you don't want to do anything for us, why'd you even have kids?

Mike Heck:
'Cause babies are cute. If you had come out teenagers, we might've had to rethink.

Brick Heck:
I looked up "Moby Dick", the hard edition.

Mike Heck:
Uh, you didn't.

Brick Heck:
And you can't believe what came up.

Mike Heck:
Oh, I'm afraid we can.

Brick Heck:
All these first editions and stuff.

Frankie Heck:
Oh, see?

Mike Heck:
Oh, good for you, Brick.

Frankie Heck:
That's what the Internet is for - books.

Brick Heck:
Oh, and then I met some guy online who wants to meet me at the park. [leaves]

Frankie Heck:
Maybe we should have taken him to the library.

Frankie Heck:
Wait, wait, wait. Are you saying that we're working on Thanksgiving? [scoffs] Mr. Ehlert, that is just wrong.

Mr. Ehlert:
Well, so's taking the country away from a bunch of Indians, but aren't you glad we did?

Sue Heck:
Where's the good smell? Wait. Did Mom really cancel Thanksgiving?

Mike Heck:
Yeah. She's at work.

Sue Heck:
Well, who's gonna make the turkey?

Brick Heck:
Who's gonna bake the frozen pies?

Axl Heck:
Who's gonna open the can of cranberry sauce?

Sue Heck:
Can I invite Brad over to help?

Mike Heck:
It's Thanksgiving. Won't his parents miss him?

Sue Heck:
Oh, they're just so excited he has a girlfriend.

Mike Heck:
I could see that.

Sue Heck:
I wonder what our kids will look like?

Axl Heck:
Depends on what country you get'em from. Right?

Mike Heck:
Axl!

Axl Heck:
Please, help me find my brother. He's lost and I'm so scared!

Molly:
Um, what's he wearing?

Axl Heck:
Uh, he's got like a green jacket and a yellow hat and, oh my God, he's dressed like corn!

Mike Heck:
See, kids, let this be a lesson. Drinking is not cool.

Frankie Heck:
Mike, I told them I had the flu!

Mike Heck:
See, kids, lying is also not cool.

Mike Heck:
How'd this happen?

Rusty Heck:
Eh, well, I was running the hot plate about four weeks ago and I noticed that one of the cords was frayed. I kept telling myself "Keep your eye on that", but, wouldn't you know it, I fell asleep face down with a cigarette in my mouth. I blame myself partially.

Mike Heck:
So they got you working on Thanksgiving, huh?

Cashier:
Yeah, but it's okay. I'm trying to save some money for college.

Mike Heck:
Oh, is that right? What high school do you go to?

Cashier:
St. Mary's.

Mike Heck:
Oh yeah. That's the Catholic school just down the street. So, do you gotta wear those Catholic girls uniforms with the skirts?

Cashier:
Sir, this conversation is making me uncomfortable.

Axl Heck:
Oh, smooth, Dad. I thought that "Dateline" guy was going to come out of the back.

Mike Heck:
Shut up.

Frankie Heck:
I was afraid they were gonna run out of Marines. There aren't that many of them, you know. It's right there in the motto - "The Few. The Proud." I gotta say, I thought you'd be more patriotic about this.

Mike Heck:
I am being patriotic. These people fight for our country. Haven't they been through enough?

Frankie Heck:
Jeez. What is wrong with my parents?

Mike Heck:
You're gonna have to be more specific.

Frankie Heck:
The bickering. It's nuts, right? I don't get it. I mean, it seems to be getting worse. It's worse, right?

Mike Heck:
Frankie, they've been together 50 years. Just be happy they're not starring in a "Dateline" unsolved mystery.

Tag Spence:
I asked you to do one thing. Pack my gingko biloba.

Pat Spence:
They're your gingko biloba. You want 'em, you gotta pack 'em. You're a grown man, for God's sake.

Tag Spence:
They're for my memory! How the hell am I supposed to remember 'em if I don't take 'em?

Brad Bottig:
Who punches a guy while he's on his tippy toes? That's not how a dance fight works. I mean, seriously, where did that guy go to summer camp?

Tag Spence:
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I-I didn't get my turn. I was gonna tell a story about how when I was stationed in Korea...

Pat Spence:
You were a file clerk.

Tag Spence:
Hey, there was a lot of tension in that office!

Pat Spence:
Are you okay, honey?

Frankie Heck:
She's fine. Right, Sue? Aren't you fine?

Sue Heck:
Yep! Yep. Super fine. I'm gonna go to my room now for normal reasons.

Tag Spence:
For the first few months, I didn't even realize I was playing with real money. And by that time I was eight grand in, and every time I thought about quittin', this cyber girl comes up with a big rack, wanting me to buy more chips.

Mike Heck:
You know, this is the kind of thing you might want to share with a blood relative.

Tag Spence:
It's bad, Mike. It's bad. I'm afraid Pat's gonna cut me off in the bedroom.

Mike Heck:
Oh, jeez, I don't want to know this, Tag.

Tag Spence:
It's too late. You're in it now.

Axl Heck:
I'm crushing my Music Appreciation class. I'm getting a "C", and I've only showed up half the time.

Frankie Heck:
See, this is what happens when we drink. We sign up for stupid committees or get Brick.

Frankie Heck:
Uh... I can't feel my legs. I'm gonna get thrombosis. I saw it on "Dr. Oz".

Mike Heck:
It's not a big deal. The whole thing is stupid. I just stayed in one place for twenty years. It's like giving an award to a tree.

Chuck:
Listen, wife of Mike, you got way more sway than us. Tonight when you go home, you gotta light a candle, shake off the sheets, and get your man all syncopated to the rhythm of your lady jazz.

Brick Heck:
This is my big night, too. I've looked like Ernie and/or Bert for the last ten years. I finally look snazzy and I am showing it off.

Sue Heck:
Good luck, Dad. I hope you win.

Mike Heck:
It's not a contest. I already won.

Sue Heck:
Well, sometimes you think you won, and then at the last minute, you didn't. Wait for them to call your name. Twice.

Chuck:
Nice suit, little dude. Off the rack?

Brick Heck:
Out of the box.

Chuck:
What's the label?

Brick Heck:
I don't know. [checks] Shah-nee-a Twan.

Chuck:
Shania Twain?

Brick Heck:
[reads] "The 'Man I Feel Like a Woman' collection". Oh, no, this isn't cousin Ryan's. It's cousin Allison's. I've been wearing women's clothes for the last three days.

Chuck:
It's cool, baby Mike. Man, woman. We're all just energy.

Brick Heck:
Okay. Do you know how embarrassing it is to show up at an awards ceremony wearing the same outfit as another woman? Drive.

Frankie Heck:
You made the tennis team?

Sue Heck:
Well, I didn't make it per se. The coach thought I was on the team. I tried to tell him that I wasn't, but then he realized that he didn't have enough players, so, without me, they would have lost the match.

Mike Heck:
So you won?

Sue Heck:
Oh, God, no. On the last point, I hit what my coach called "a very weak lob", and my opponent hit what he called "a blistering overhead smash".

Frankie Heck:
Is that how you hurt your face?

Sue Heck:
No. A bird flew in the bus window on the way home. I never saw it coming. Beaks are sharp.

Mike Heck:
Sue, sports isn't about being nice. Sports is about being competitive. It's about wanting to beat the other person.

Sue Heck:
Oh, I think I remember my coach saying something about that.

Mike Heck:
Okay. So, if you really want to win, you gotta dig down deep. You gotta get in touch with that anger.

Sue Heck:
What anger?

Mike Heck:
The anger that's inside you.

Sue Heck:
I don't have any anger inside me. [gasps] Dad, do you have anger inside you?

Mike Heck:
A little bit.

Axl Heck:
Dad, do you think you could pick up some speed, so that when I hurl myself out of the car I actually kill myself instead of just being injured?

Mike Heck:
Sure.

Sue Heck:
They don't have candle-dipping or postcards. Now I'll have nothing to remember this place by.

Axl Heck:
Aw, cheer up. Maybe you'll get hepatitis.

Axl Heck:
[upon seeing the world's largest oak tree stump] I had the lowest of expectations and I'm still disappointed.

Axl Heck:
Oh... my... God. Sue should never be allowed to choose anything again in our entire lives! This place makes our house look nice!

Axl Heck:
Well, thank you, Sue, for the worst vacation we've ever had. And I am including the Ozarks and the frog infestation. I mean, come on, people, you know we're all thinking it!

Axl Heck:
I have to take care of this stupid baby thing for a week for health class. They said they're teaching us about sex ed. What do babies have to do with sex?

Frankie Heck:
They ruin it.

Frankie Heck:
Welcome to Orson Heritage Village. My name is Rachel Moody Cochran. In 1816 I came by wagon train to this very town where I gave birth to all nineteen of my children, four of whom survived.

Obadiah:
I'll be wanting another one come spring.

Mike Heck:
What're you doing?

Frankie Heck:
What does it look like I'm doing? I'm rocking a piece of our grandchild.

Frankie Heck:
I am selling cars, I'm dyeing wool. Obadiah wants me to take a job as a schoolteacher because there's a drought and the corn isn't gonna save us this year. Even at my second job I have to get another job. I have two lives in two centuries and they both suck.

Frankie Heck:
I don't know. Maybe we didn't do enough for Brick.

Mike Heck:
He's a third kid. He's lucky we remember to feed him.

Brick Heck:
They want to talk to you and Dad about that test I had to take.

Frankie Heck:
The Waterman-Ginsberg test?

Brick Heck:
Yeah. Why'd I have to take that test anyway?

Frankie Heck:
No reason.

Brick Heck:
Then why'd they only give it to me and the kid who sets things on fire?

Mike Heck:
Let me tell you something. Brick is the happiest kid I know. Sure, he whispers to himself. Sure, he showers sitting down. Maybe he licked the car once or twice. Hey, don't write that down!

Mike Heck:
See? He likes basketball. That oughta be good for some friends.

Frankie Heck:
Or get him beat up.

Mike Heck:
By his friends.

Frankie Heck:
Sue, what happened to your face?

Axl Heck:
She was born that way.

Frankie Heck:
Axl.

Sue Heck:
I didn't make ball girl.

Frankie Heck:
Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

Sue Heck:
I got hit in the face with a racket.

Axl Heck:
Stupid.

Frankie Heck:
Axl.

Axl Heck:
No, not her. Me. Stupid for giving my jersey to Sophie.

Frankie Heck:
[perking up] Oh, really? What do you mean?

Axl Heck:
She doesn't like me.

Frankie Heck:
Oh, that's terrible. [voiceover] Oh, that's awesome! Here was my opening. I was gonna get that jersey, and I was gonna get Axl to give it to me. [to Axl] So what happened?

Sue Heck:
I got hit when I ran out on the court to get the ball, but the point was still going on.

Frankie Heck:
Oh, honey. [turns to Axl] No, to the jersey, I mean. Did you, you know, get it back?

Axl Heck:
No.

Sue Heck:
After the guy hit me with his racket, he smashed into me and knocked me into the net.

Frankie Heck:
[to Sue] Oh, honey, that's horrible. [to Axl] Don't you think you should ask her to give it back? You know, for closure?

Axl Heck:
Nah. Not worth it.

Sue Heck:
And after he knocked me into the net, my braces got stuck in the strings. The nurses had to cut me out with nail scissors.

Frankie Heck:
[to Sue] Oh, sweetheart, gosh, sounds like it just wasn't meant to be. [to Axl] I don't know. I think you might want to get it back. It's your jersey and it's very valuable. There could be someone out there who wants it very badly.

Axl Heck:
Wait. You think I could sell it?

Frankie Heck:
Are you blind? I was gesturing wildly enough to land a plane.

Mike Heck:
Consider this payback for the time you volunteered me to take the aunts to see Mac Davis.

Brick Heck:
This is too scary. I... I think we should turn it off.

Sue Heck:
No. If we turn it off now, we won't get to the happy ending part. [the End flashes]

Brick Heck:
There is no happy ending part!

Sue Heck:
I couldn't sleep either. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw zombies ripping the guts out of Taylor Lautner.

Brick Heck:
Maybe we should tell Mom we saw the movie.

Sue Heck:
No! You can't tell Mom. She'll think I'm a bad babysitter.

Brick Heck:
You are a bad babysitter! You let me watch a scary movie I am too young for. Besides, Mom always makes it better when I'm scared.

Sue Heck:
Did the mom in the zombie movie make it better? No, she ate her baby's face off!

Brick Heck:
What are you doing? I don't want to watch it again.

Sue Heck:
Trust me. If we watch it again during the day, we'll see how silly it is and we'll totally laugh about it, and the movie will lose its power over us. [watching movie] Oh my God! I thought those zombies were eating hamburger last time. They're really eating that nun's liver!

Brick Heck:
I just realized zombieism is cannibalism in virus form. This can actually happen!

Frankie Heck:
I don't get it, Brick. What are you so afraid of? What do you think is gonna happen?

Brick Heck:
We drive onto the bridge and suddenly there's a terrible cracking sound. The bridge collapses and the car's thrown into a lake. It fills with water and sinks like a big metal coffin. We struggle to get out, but underwater no one can hear our screams. We all shake with convulsions as the life leaves our bodies. Our bloated corpses go undiscovered for months, but when they're finally dragged out of the lake, they're unrecognizable 'cause fish have eaten out our eyeballs. [whispers] Eyeballs.

Sue Heck:
You just don't get it!

Frankie Heck:
Okay, stop right there. I don't get it? Um, I might not get a lot of things, but I get this. Women all over the world get this. Sorry to break it to you, but trying on swimsuits is a depressing, soul-killing rite of passage for all women. There are even entire comic strips devoted to it. What do you think "Cathy" has been aacking about all these years? I don't even put on a swimsuit without at least two margaritas in me. So, you just be happy that you're a cute 14-year-old looking for her first bikini, instead of a woman who's had three kids throwing away a mortgage payment on some miracle suit made with NASA Teflon material that shaves off ten pounds, but all it really does it push it all out your back. So, I get it, Sue, I get it. You hate you body. Well, congratulations, today you are a woman.

Frankie Heck:
Wow, you actually beat Sean?

Axl Heck:
Yeah, he stayed up studying for our geometry final while I completely ignored it and just studied the lifeguard stuff. And I thought he was supposed to be smart. Sucker! Also, I might have bit him.

Principal Barker:
Yes, once again negotiations with the bus drivers have stalled. Those big whiners are still holding out for a living wage. But, not to worry, we broke the janitors' union, and we will break these people, too.

Frankie Heck:
Listen, this week's a little crazy, so Tuesday I'm gonna need you to pick Sue up from work.

Mike Heck:
Got it. Where's that again?

Frankie Heck:
Seriously, Mike? You don't know where your daughter works? I think that's sad.

Mike Heck:
I think you're sad.

Frankie Heck:
Well, we're all sad, that's a given. So where does your daughter work?

Mike Heck:
I know it's potatoes, Frankie. We've been eating her funky potato rejects for weeks. I just don't know where it is.

Mike Heck:
Yeah. Floor seats to the Michigan game. Corporate just sent them over to me for going six months without a workplace injury.

Jim:
Well, what about when the salt from that pretzel slit my tongue?

Mike Heck:
You can submit forms all day, Jim. You're not getting workman's comp.

Jim:
Sure, make light. I still can't drink orange juice.

Frankie Heck:
Damn it! I let you stay up late to watch the finale of "Shark Tank" after you promised me you would wake up early.

Mike Heck:
I can't believe it. Even your dad has plans. He's trying to find out which pill makes him dizzy.

Sue Heck:
I'll go!

Frankie Heck:
What about that guy at the gas station? You guys chat.

Mike Heck:
That's a woman, and we're not close. I guess I'm down to asking Brick. Who am I kidding? He's not gonna want to go.

Sue Heck:
I'll go!

Mike Heck:
Go where?

Sue Heck:
To the game.

Frankie Heck:
There you go. Take Sue. Where's my stupid coat?

Mike Heck:
Uh, are you sure you want to go? These are floor seats, Sue, against Michigan. You gotta really watch the game.

Sue Heck:
I will. I promise!

Mike Heck:
Okay, fine, but from now on, speak up. I was this close to going with Tag.

Axl Heck:
I'm dying here, man. I'm crapping out in my real classes 'cause I'm spending so much time studying for a class I'm not even taking just to hook up with a girl. Now when I say it out loud, it does actually make sense.

Mike Heck:
You took Sue to the Ice Capades, and never thought about asking Axl.

Frankie Heck:
Oh, yeah. Like I'm going to get Axl to put on pants to watch princesses skate on ice.

Mike Heck:
You don't know. He might have loved it. Could have taken up skating, become a gold medalist, bought us a house.

Frankie Heck:
No, no. Don't try to turn this on me. Face it, you don't have a leg to stand on.

Mike Heck:
Oh, I got legs - two of them, just like Axl - that might have been perfect for ice skating. Only we'll never know 'cause you took Sue to Ice Capades.

Frankie Heck:
Hey, I still do stuff with Axl. When is the last time you did anything like that with Sue?

Mike Heck:
Hey, I spend time with Sue. I watched her play volleyball, Frankie. Got her checked out at the emergency room.

Frankie Heck:
I'm jut saying, you don't know where she works. You have no idea what JP-LA is.

Mike Heck:
Nobody does.

Frankie Heck:
We're gonna be fine.

Frankie Heck:
We're her parents, Mike. It's our job to cheer her on no matter what.

Mike Heck:
Hey, I love my daughter and I'm not gonna have her made fun of. If someone's gonna dash her hopes, damn it, it should be her family.

Frankie Heck:
You see it, too, right, Mike?

Mike Heck:
The tornado gave us a dryer.

Frankie Heck:
Quick, get it inside before anybody sees.

Sue Heck:
So are we, like, poor now?

Frankie Heck:
No, we're not poor. We're just thrifty. We're trying something new called living within our means.

Axl Heck:
You mean we've been living outside our means? Oh, God.

Frankie Heck:
Hi, guys. Did you have fun at the pool?

Sue Heck:
[crying] Dad says I suck at swimming and I shouldn't try out for swim team.

Mike Heck:
Then I bought you a Creamsicle.

Frankie Heck:
Psst. Kid. Yeah. Come here. How'd you like to check out this book for me on your card, huh? [boy looks around] No, no. You don't have to tell anybody. It'll just be our little secret.

Boy in Library:
I don't know.

Frankie Heck:
Oh, come on. What's gonna happen? Nothing. I promise. [pulls out bag] I have jellybeans.

Boy in Library:
Okay.

Frankie Heck:
Great. Here. [hands him book] And remember, don't take candy from strangers. I mean, I'm okay, but in the future, don't do it. I'll be waiting for you in the bushes.

Frankie Heck:
I'm just excited that your brother's coming home for his first Christmas from college. Don't worry, someday I'll be happy you're here, too.

Axl Heck:
Apparently, Mom was planning to hold me hostage all Christmas.

Frankie Heck:
Oh, you think I'm holding you hostage? I'll hold you hostage. You're grounded!

Axl Heck:
What? I've been home for three minutes, and I'm already grounded? Oh! This is the worst Christmas ever!

Axl Heck:
God! Why are you so focused on me? I liked it better last year when Grandma and Grandpa were here.

Mike Heck:
Hey. Don't even joke about that.

Axl Heck:
I looked at the terms of our agreement, and our deal has no mention of caring.

Frankie Heck:
Come on, Axl. Stop being snarky.

Mike Heck:
You know your mom. She won't count this as a family event unless you enjoy it.

Axl Heck:
Well, okay. Fine. It's a blast. I'm having an explosion of fun.

Sue Heck:
[sneezing] Oh, no. I'm allergic to Christmas!

Frankie Heck:
Brick, you're running a Ponzi scheme.

Brick Heck:
A Ponzi-what now?

Frankie Heck:
You're using money you don't have to pay off the debt you had before, and now you have to go into even more debt to pay off this debt. It's an endless cycle. You're never gonna catch up.

Brick Heck:
Isn't that what you guys do with your credit cards?

Frankie Heck:
Well, yeah, but we're gonna die before they catch us.

Frankie Heck:
No, Axl. Christmas Eve was my non-negotiable. You already got yours.

Axl Heck:
But I made the wrong choice! Joe's party was so lame, it shouldn't even count. After we made cookies, I had to jitterbug with his grandma. She kept touching my face.

Brick Heck:
It's okay. I'm gonna use the money from these to pay for the cozies, which paid for the peppermint bark, which paid for the popcorn, which paid for the wrapping paper.

Frankie Heck:
How are you gonna pay for the poinsettias?

Brick Heck:
Oh, these were free. I got them from the park.

Frankie Heck:
What park?

Brick Heck:
The park with the dead people.

Frankie Heck:
The cemetery? You stole flowers from the cemetery? What the hell were you thinking? Quick, get these inside.

Sue Heck:
They got me a book on interpreting dreams! I have always dreamed of getting one of these. I wonder what that means?

Sue Heck:
I'm not sick! I live here.

Courtney:
That's right. You live! You live every single day like it's your last, bubble girl.

Mike Heck:
Time goes fast, you know. The whole "Cat's in the Cradle" thing. That's why I wanted to have Christmas with just the family. Well, that, and your grandparents are nuts.

Axl Heck:
So, it's like this kid's born, and he starts to grow up, and he wants to be just like his dad.

Brick Heck:
And they have a cat?

Axl Heck:
I'm not exactly sure where the cat comes in. But, basically, this kid just wants to hang out with his dad all the time, but the dad's too busy with work. And, then, at the end of the song the dad's really old, and all he wants to do is spend time with his kid, but now the kid's busy with his own family and, uh, just can't find the time.

Brick Heck:
What happens? Does he get to spend time with his son?

Axl Heck:
The song doesn't say, but the kid's pretty busy, so... I'm assuming the dad eventually dies. [rubs eyes] Damn pine needles.

Brick Heck:
I'm calling Dad at work.

Frankie Heck:
[pulling Doris] Okay, Aunt Edie, I finally got her to go. She went number three, so... I'm just gonna change her diaper, bleach my hands, and hit the road.

Axl Heck:
Why? Why would you ask my sister to the prom?

Darrin:
I don't know. She's nice. She has a sunny disposition.

Axl Heck:
Dude, that's my sister you're talking about.

Frankie Heck:
We gotta find someone to take care of Aunt Edie. If not, she may have to move in here.

Mike Heck:
Look harder.

Frankie Heck:
I'm worried, Mike. She almost set her house on fire.

Mike Heck:
Oh, well, then definitely move her in here.

Brick Heck:
Mom, we gotta return these books to the library before it closes for good. I wanted to warn you early, so we had time. We have fourteen minutes.

Mike Heck:
Brick, forget the hammer. How'd you like to use a chainsaw? Let me fire it up for ya.

Brick Heck:
Um, I'm not even allowed to use an electric toothbrush.

Big Mike:
Aw, what are you worried about? Your dad was using a chainsaw when he was half your age.

Mike Heck:
No, you know what? Chainsaws are for softies. I bet we can do better, huh, Dad? How about, uh, how about the blow torch?

Big Mike:
Nothing wrong with a boy learning how to use a blow torch.

Mike Heck:
Go ahead, Brick. Grandpa's gonna make you a man.

Brick Heck:
Thanks, but I think I'll stay a boy for now.

Mike Heck:
Come on, it's just three thousand degrees of searing heat. Nothing to be afraid of. Grandpa says it's okay.

Big Mike:
Teach him how to use it properly, I don't think it's such a big deal.

Mike Heck:
Okay. What's it gonna be, Brick? Chainsaw or blow torch? Fire or steel?

Brick Heck:
You know, I'm thinking the clover might not be the source of the curse at all. I think it might be genetics.

Sue Heck:
I'm sorry. I just had to say that can you believe in a year from now I won't even be here?

Mike Heck:
[sleepily] Why don't you go back to your room now, so we can start getting used to what that feels like?

Frankie Heck:
Hey, Brick. So, listen. I was thinking. It's just you and me this weekend. Why don't we do something special? When is the last time we did anything together, just the two of us?

Brick Heck:
Hm, when you took me the pediatrician to get that tetanus shot.

Sue Heck:
Hey, Dad. Why do you think the tour guide gave me all these brochures? The Cherokee weaving workshop, and here's one on the headdress exhibit at the art museum.

Mike Heck:
Hm. That's weird. They didn't give that stuff to anybody else?

Sue Heck:
Mnh-mnh.

Mike Heck:
It's not like you're Native American.

Sue Heck:
Yes, I am.

Mike Heck:
N-no, Sue, you're not.

Sue Heck:
Sure, I am. I mean, that's what I put on my forms.

Mike Heck:
What? Why'd you do that?

Sue Heck:
'Cause I'm a native of America. I'm a native American.

Mike Heck:
Sue, now they think you're Native American.

Sue Heck:
Right, a native American.

Mike Heck:
Say "I'm a Native American."

Sue Heck:
I'm a Native American. Ohh! I hear it now.

Sue Heck:
[to college tour guide] Hi, I just wanted to say that I'm white - all white. So, I'm only interested in clubs for white people or art made by only white people, not Native Americans, because I'm definitely not that. So, please, don't show me anything or talk to me about anything that is not exclusively for white people.

Mike Heck:
Hey, Sue?

Sue Heck:
Hm?

Mike Heck:
You ever feel bad that I never, you know, made you Super Daddy pancakes?

Sue Heck:
No. Why?

Mike Heck:
Well, I don't know. That - that guy and his daughter are always doing stuff together. Did you ever wish I was, you know, more like him?

Sue Heck:
Wha - ? Dad, no. Why would you even say that? You're amazing. My whole life you made sure my bike tires were pumped; you let me ride on your shoulders when I cleaned out the gutter. Whenever Mom yells "I just can't do it anymore", you make my lunch for a few days. And, best of all, when you find a pretty rock at the quarry, you always bring it home for me. I mean, come on, nobody else's dad does that. You're the greatest dad in the whole world. Hello? That's why I got you the mug - "World's Greatest Dad." Mugs don't lie.

Mike Heck:
You remember all that stuff?

Sue Heck:
Of course. I don't want some bouncy, pancake dad. If I did, it wouldn't be you.

Frankie Heck:
Oh, Sue. It's going to be freezing out there, and I'm too old to sit on the concrete all night. I mean, I barely made it up off the couch after that two-hour "Bachelor".

Frankie Heck:
I'll tell you what we're gonna do. We're gonna cut.

Sue Heck:
What? Mom, no! We cannot cut. That is so wrong.

Frankie Heck:
Don't think of it as cutting. Think of it as reclaiming the spot that is rightfully ours.

Sue Heck:
But...

Frankie Heck:
Sue, you gotta be cool.

Sue Heck:
Unh-unh. That's the thing the bad kid says in the drug movies when he's trying to get you to drink drugs!

Frankie Heck:
Listen, do you want this or not?

Sue Heck:
Oh, God. Why are my teen years so full of hard choices?

Brick Heck:
Wait. You lied, but your hair didn't fall out. Is that a lie, too?

Axl Heck:
Join the club. She once told me kids who talk during "Wheel of Fortune" go blind.

Axl Heck:
Yeah. Yeah, let's hit the drive-thru. I want a hamburger and, uh, those things.

Sean Donahue:
French fries!

Axl Heck:
No, but we should get those, too.

Frankie Heck:
Here you go. Jelly. Jelly's a fruit. Can't get much healthier than that.

Brick Heck:
We're out of bread.

Frankie Heck:
Even better. You eat it with a spoon, and the vitamins get to your brain faster.

Sue Heck:
I don't go into your room and stare at your booger wall.

Axl Heck:
Hey! Some of those aren't mine.

Attendance Office:
This is the Orson High attendance office. May I speak to Frankie Heck, please?

Sue Heck:
[in fake accent] Yes, this is she. [whispers to self] Why am I British?

Attendance Office:
Sorry to bother you. I'm just verifying that Sue Heck is home sick today.

Sue Heck:
Oh, yes. She's quite sick. Sick as the dickens, I'm afraid.

Attendance Office:
Well, please make sure she brings a note with a parent signature.

Sue Heck:
A note?

Attendance Office:
Yes. It's a requirement any time a student has been absent.

Sue Heck:
Very well. A note. I'll add it to my shed-ule. Cheerio!

Brad Bottig:
[on phone with Sue] Everyone in school got out of Math and English to go to the gym to watch four college a cappella groups have a sing-off. I totally think The Testostitones are gonna take it. Also, reporters are here, and Carly and I got interviewed for the six o'clock news. I gotta get back in there, Sue. They're handing out free ice cream!

Tag Spence:
[over phone] Listen, kid, college is fun, but I got a mean case of the V.D. my freshman year.

Frankie Heck:
[to Brick] Take him off speaker. Off speaker.

Tag Spence:
And you know the strains are even worse, so be careful.

Frankie Heck:
Can you get him off speaker? Axl, help your brother get off speaker!

Tag Spence:
Hey, Axl, did you cash in on that Franklin Templeton bond we set up for ya?

Axl Heck:
What?

Tag Spence:
The savings bond Grandma and I got when you were born so you'd have a little spending money. I mean, that thing's got to be worth...

Frankie Heck:
Okay, Dad, we just hit a deer! We gotta go! [hangs up]

Axl Heck:
Did Grandpa and Grandma give me money? Oh, my God, they did. Did you steal my money? Oh, my God, they stole my money.

Mike Heck:
Relax, nobody stole your money. We just, uh... diversified your portfolio into food, clothes, braces.

Axl Heck:
Seriously? You wasted my money on Sue's ugly face? That thing's a black hole. You could throw money at it forever. It's never gonna get better.

Axl Heck:
This is outrageous! When was I gonna find out about this? I'm practically the head of the household. I mean, how long have I been supporting you people?

Frankie Heck:
We just borrowed it during a desperate time. We had no way of knowing that all the times would be desperate.

Mike Heck:
Look, we - we spent plenty of money on you over the years. I really don't think we owe you anything.

Axl Heck:
Really? I have made life so easy for you people. I got a scholarship to college, so you don't even have to pay for it. How much is college? Like two thousand dollars? Well, I want two, then, with interest.

Mike Heck:
What is interest, Axl? Do you even know what interest is?

Axl Heck:
I'm interested in getting my money back. That's what I'm interested in.

Sue Heck:
How come every time we get in this car, we end up talking about the death napkin?

Axl Heck:
No! No Kinko's. The only "K" place we're going is college. [thinks] Wait a minute.

Axl Heck:
This is kidnapping. I've been kidnapped, and I'm probably gonna have to pay my own ransom.

Sue Heck:
I got it! I am the 2013-2014 Junior Peer Leadership Adviser.

Frankie Heck:
Honey, that is so great.

Mike Heck:
So, they must have liked that essay.

Sue Heck:
Oh, turns out they didn't even read it. Nancy Seifried was hiding a teen pregnancy, and Karen Frick went into a depression because her parents got a divorce. I am walkin' on air! Whoo! Yeah!

Frankie Heck:
Hey, guys, I just heard some sad news. Your great-great-uncle Mac died.

Sue Heck:
Oh my God, no. [sobs]

Frankie Heck:
Oh, it's okay, honey. I know it's hard, but he led a good long life.

Brick Heck:
Is he the one who used to wear suspenders?

Frankie Heck:
No, that's your Uncle Nate.

Sue Heck:
It is?

Brick Heck:
I thought Uncle Nate was the one with a big toe for a thumb.

Sue Heck:
That's Uncle Lou.

Brick Heck:
No, Uncle Lou is the one who can take out his eye.

Frankie Heck:
No, that's your cousin Roy. Uncle Mac was your Aunt Edie's favorite brother. You only met him once when you were very little.

Brick Heck:
Oh. The one with the big toe for a thumb is still okay? We should visit him sometime. He's funny.

Frankie Heck:
Death is a big deal to my family, Mike. We do death very well. Not like your family where you just toss them in a hole and drink.

Mike Heck:
Either way, they end up in the same place.

Axl Heck:
Hey, could I drive to school today?

Mike Heck:
No, not today. Your mom and I have a lot to do, plus we don't want to die.

Axl Heck:
If I don't get to practice driving, I'm never gonna get my license.

Mike Heck:
That's why we taught you to walk.

Frankie Heck:
Okay, listen, Axl, you're in charge, and I want you to know we trust you.

Axl Heck:
Then I should have the car keys in case there's, you know, an emergency.

Frankie Heck:
I trust you with the kids, not the car.

Frankie Heck:
[discussing Doris the dog] Hey, the vet says she has to be in a smoke-free environment until she regenerates lung tissue. What could I say?

Mike Heck:
So what, now we're not going?

Frankie Heck:
I-I don't know. I mean, the kids can't watch her. You can't leave her alone for more than fifteen minutes, or she chokes on her own saliva. And someone has to change the nicotine patch, because she's going through withdrawal.

Mike Heck:
Your problem is you're letting these people control your whole life. Aunt Ginny has a son.

Frankie Heck:
Well, you know Travis is in prison. And Aunt Edie's kid fried his brain huffing paint. He's literally the village idiot of Terre Haute.

Mike Heck:
What about your mom?

Frankie Heck:
Mom's in Des Moines taking care of Grandma.

Mike Heck:
How the hell long do people live in your family?

Frankie Heck:
You do for family, Mike. That's all there is to it.

Mike Heck:
Maybe if you did a little less for family, they'd start dying off, and we could take a damn vacation.

Frankie Heck:
I am so sorry. I just turned off my phone for fifteen minutes.

Cop:
You turned off your phone? But you're a mom.

Frankie Heck:
I just needed a break.

Cop:
From what? Being a mom?

Frankie Heck:
No. Well, yes! [turns to kids] Okay, I have just one question for you. Why didn't a single one of you think to call your father?

Brick Heck:
Dad hates it when we call him at work.

Sue Heck:
Weren't you listening? The cheerleaders are stealing Wrestlerettes from us. You guys, we have to do something about this.

Ashley:
That sounds like it could take awhile. This is the night I usually bury things I found during the week.

Ruth:
Oh, I could sew together a spirit quilt for the cheerleaders to bless them in their endeavors.

Sue Heck:
No! We're not burying anything, and we are not blessing anyone. We built Wrestlerettes from the ground up, and we gotta fight for it. Who's with me?

Becky:
Wait. We're-We're gonna fight? 'Cause I got a sock full of old batteries in my locker. I call the blonde one!

Brick Heck:
Now, you don't need to know all of them. Just pick one. That way if someone talks to you about a particular artist, you respond by saying "That's interesting that you like this artist, but I like 'blank'.".

Axl Heck:
Hm. Great. Perfect. Now, just show me this Blank dude's stuff, and let's kick art's sorry ass! Ha-ha.

Sue Heck:
This is the moment we've been waiting for our entire lives.

Ruth:
The Rapture?

Sue Heck:
No, Ruth. But that's a biggie, too.

Frankie Heck:
[about the dog costume] Pretty warm in there, huh?

Owen Ehlert:
Oh, uh. The heat's not that bad, the stench is what's hard to take. It smells like a rotting carcass shoved up the butt of a rotting carcass.

Frankie Heck:
So... pretty unpleasant, I'm guessing.

Owen Ehlert:
On the plus side the legs are stiff from dried sweat, so you can black out in here and Bam! you're still standing.

Mike Heck:
Thanks for the backup, pal.

Frankie Heck:
Listen, there are all different kinds of backup, Mike. Like when you partner loses his mind and you gotta knock some freaking sense into him. Remember the time you grew the Tom Selleck mustache and I had to shave it off in your sleep? Backup!

Frankie Heck:
Yeah, but, Mike, think about it. He's sixteen. He's only going to be living here for a few more years.

Mike Heck:
Don't worry, honey. When the outside world gets a load of him, I think they'll send him right back.

Mike Heck:
I've got something that might make you feel better. It's in the basement.

Frankie Heck:
Oh, honey, that was fun once, but that old mattress is so icky.

Mike Heck:
Sue, listen to me. You have screwed up this driving test so many ways; I can't think of another mistake you could possibly make.

Sue Heck:
Aw, thanks for the pep talk, Dad.

BMV Examiner:
Oh God! Mattress!

Sue Heck:
It's okay, I can still see.

BMV Examiner:
For the love of God, pull over. I have children!

Sue Heck:
No! I only have two blocks left [bang] [rattling sound] Pothole! Not a problem!

Sue Heck:
Did I mention that the examiner said it was the single greatest piece of driving he's ever seen?

Frankie Heck:
I'm sure you did great, honey.

Sue Heck:
Yeah.

Mike Heck:
She did do great. Sue, you're an excellent driver.

Sue Heck:
Can I drive the family to Graduation?

Mike Heck:
Absolutely not.

Axl Heck:
Somebody in our family better be dead right now, and not some weird cousin I've never met. I'm talking Dad, Brick, or Sue.

Sue Heck:
You know, I've tried and tried with you guys all year. You guys have no bus spirit. And you know what? I am a jolly good fellow. You guys aren't. You are bad fellows. [boy raises hand] Yes, Brian?

Brian Morrison:
I think I speak for all of us when I say please, pass that test.

Ms. Dunlap:
This photo montage is the only thing the principal doesn't have her stinkin' paws all over. And if you mess it up, I will make your life a living hell. I have connections in middle school, and I can make sure you get the smelliest locker and the meanest teacher and extra gym.

Brick Heck:
Oh, no.

Axl Heck:
Well, they said it wasn't possible for me to miss 32 days of senior year and still graduate. Now who seems like the idiot?

Jane Marsh:
Let me tell you something, Sue. You may not know to look at me now, but I know what it's like to feel like you don't exist.

Sue Heck:
Really?

Jane Marsh:
A bunch of years ago, I was a student here, too, and nobody knew who I was, either, and I was the only black kid.

Brick Heck:
Listen, I've read the Constitution, and nowhere does it give the President the power to demand push-ups.

Sue Heck:
I'm so confused. I tried what you said about being whoever I wanted to be. I changed my name to "Suki". I changed my hair. I wrote right-handed. But it only made things worse. I went from being invisible to being mistaken for an Asian flu.

Frankie Heck:
You did have the talk with him, didn't you?

Mike Heck:
I thought so. I-I can't remember.

Frankie Heck:
You must have, 'cause I know I talked to Sue. Didn't I?

Mike Heck:
I don't know. But I definitely talked to Axl. Hang on.

Frankie Heck:
Well, that's what school is for.

Mike Heck:
Sorry about this. You know, kids.

Jim:
Yeah, kids. When mine wanted to sell wrapping paper here, you said there was a no soliciting policy at work.

Dave:
Door's open now, Mike. My girl's selling popcorn tins again. She's the only one in her troop that didn't get to meet Jane Pauley last year because of you. I got a hunch she'll be going this year.

Brick Heck:
Ugh, thank God that's over.

Mike Heck:
Oh, right. How'd the big talk go?

Brick Heck:
Well, the nurse made us watch a movie where a boy kept running around a track. It was boring, so Dylan Murray made an inappropriate shadow puppet, and everybody giggled and the nurse yelled at us.

Mike Heck:
Yep. Sounds about right.

Brick Heck:
Then the girls came back in, and they had little pink gift bags that we didn't get, and-and that doesn't seem fair.

Frankie Heck:
Well, at least you got through it.

Brick Heck:
Not really. They're making us have a follow-up discussion next week. When does all this sex stuff end?

Frankie Heck:
It... tapers off.

Brick Heck:
Okay. Well, I guess I'll go look at your bras now. I'm not sure why, but, apparently, it's totally normal. And you guys are always after me to be normal, so...

Sue Heck:
We have to do something to help. I gave up my trip, so they don't have to pay for it. And you guys better start thinking of ways we can save money, too.

Axl Heck:
No way! It's their fault. They don't know how to budget. They should've stopped having kids after me. You guys are the real money drain with your braces and your special school.

Brick Heck:
I don't go to a special school.

Axl Heck:
You don't?

Sue Heck:
Oh, I just wished I'd never looked at that stupid paycheck.

Axl Heck:
Stop whining. It's about time you joined the real world. Welcome to adulthood. Now, arm yourself with a poop bomb and get ready to throw.

Mike Heck:
Go, honey. Have a good time.

Sue Heck:
I'm going to a band competition in Cincinatti! How could I not? [squeals]

Rita Glossner:
When us Glossners make a mistake, we admit it. That's why so many of us is in jail. We've got integrity.

Mike Heck:
Finding a job is a job.

Axl Heck:
I'd like to quit that job.

Mike Heck:
Well, the only way to quit that job is to get a job. That's why you're going with me to the Orson Job Fair.

Axl Heck:
Oh God. When do I get time for myself? Job fair? More like unfair. [leaves]

Mike Heck:
When a fine young man like that can't get a job, what hope is there for the rest of us?

Sue Heck:
Flyers are super important, Brick. I did flyers when I lost for student council, and when I lost for Teen Board, and when I lost for junior high Homecoming Court. I just don't think you get it.

Axl Heck:
No funnel cake, no rides. Ugh, this fair sucks. Let's just get our jobs and get out of here.

Frankie Heck:
You think it's funny, huh? I don't think it's funny. You know why? 'Cause Brick's not a nerd. Doesn't make sense. Not a good joke. Unless it's ironic. Is that why you're laughing? Because of the extreme unnerdiness of my son?

Megan:
Are you a teacher?

Frankie Heck:
Oh. [laughs] Yeah, you wish I was a teacher. Your school laws don't apply to me... Megan. So I assume Brick can count on your vote for historian?

Sue Heck:
If he got the first thing he tried out for, how is he ever going to grow as a person? Actually, I feel sorry for him.

Frankie Heck:
We all do, honey.

Mike Heck:
How about that brother of yours, huh? Nailed it on his first try. God, I'm proud of that kid. I haven't felt like this since Axl went to regionals.

Sue Heck:
I have character.

Sue Heck:
Mom, junior high is hard. People judge you for every little thing, if they even notice you at all. I just want to be judged.

Frankie Heck:
Is that how it is now, Ricky Ricardo? You have to see all my receipts when I come home?

Mike Heck:
When you dive on it like it's a live grenade, yeah, I want to see it.

Frankie Heck:
I shrunk the magic jeans! Oh, no. God, take my jeans instead.

Mike Heck:
They're good kids. If this is the worst of it, we'll be fine.

Frankie Heck:
You're right. We're lucky.

Mike Heck:
Very lucky.

Frankie Heck:
Of course, we could be luckier.

Mike Heck:
Don't I know it.

Axl Heck:
I blame Mom and Dad. 'Cause I don't know if you know this, but I am completely unsupervised here. No one tells me to go to class. No one tells me to do my homework. No one warns me that wearing your shower shoes in the snow is not a good idea. Last week I slept for two whole days. Nobody woke me up. I brush my hair with a fork! I always thought if Mom and Dad would just get off my back, I'd be fine, but I need them, Brick. I need them on my back. Don't tell them I said that.

Brick Heck:
Can I tell them we saw a girl in her bra?

Mike Heck:
[upon finishing "Into Thin Air"] That's it. We are never climbing Mount Everest. Rich people sure like to die in weird places.

Brick Heck:
Axl, this is completely illegible.

Axl Heck:
Thank you. My teacher said he couldn't even read it.

Frankie Heck:
When's the last time any of you listened to me, huh? It's just "Mom, we need this", "Mom we need that". "Dad, there's no toilet paper," said no one ever.

Sue Heck:
Not to worry, Mom. We'll be fine.

Mike Heck:
Well, you'd better be 'cause I'm not driving back, even if there's a guy outside with a knife.

Frankie Heck:
Mike, that's not gonna happen. They caught that guy.

Sue Heck:
What?

Frankie Heck:
You'll be fine.

Frankie Heck:
All right. I will see you later. i might even slip on a negligee.

Mike Heck:
Really?

Frankie Heck:
Well, a clean night shirt - you know, the one with the lace. It had a bloodstain from Brick's nosebleed, but it's mostly out.

Derrick Glossner:
Why do you think I pull up your shrubs or knock over your mailbox or put rocks in the snowballs I throw at you?

Sue Heck:
'Cause you're mean?

Derrick Glossner:
Nope. It's 'cause I've always kinda liked ya.

Sue Heck:
Uh... okay.

Derrick Glossner:
It doesn't matter. I mean, look at you. You're a rich girl - with your above ground pool, your two kinds of chips, and your one dad. Forget it. You're way out of my league. See ya around, Princess.

Sue Heck:
The cross country end of year banquet is coming up and they're holding it at the high school because our multi-purpose room has mold, and guess who's getting MVP?

Mike Heck:
Uh...

Sue Heck:
Me.

Frankie Heck:
Oh wow!

Sue Heck:
And I get to pose in the yearbook and everything. And I'll finally have a trophy to put on the mantel. It is a huge honor.

Mike Heck:
Wow. M.V.P. That still means most valuable player, right?

Sue Heck:
[nods] Oh, and you'll need to give them forty dollars by Thursday.

Mike Heck:
Forty bucks? For what?

Sue Heck:
The trophy. I can't believe I won. Aah!

Mike Heck:
You know, Axl, I once had this big fight with my dad. Two of us didn't talk for weeks. I felt bad about it. And I knew he was wanting his car washed, so I went out and did it. And when he saw that gesture, he knew that was my way of saying sorry, and so he was able to turn around and give me something I wanted.

Axl Heck:
God, Dad, after all you've done to me, what makes you think I want to hear one of your boring stories?

Sue Heck:
Look, there is no reason we can't all win here. If you give me back my trophy, I'm willing to give you this replica of the Eiffel Tower my great-aunt brought me from Paris. The one in Las Vegas.

Axl Heck:
Wait a minute. If I cleaned the gutters, you would have let me play tonight?

Mike Heck:
Yes.

Axl Heck:
Why didn't you tell me that?

Mike Heck:
Because I wanted you to come up with it on your own.

Axl Heck:
If you want me to come up with stuff on my own, you gotta tell me.

Frankie Heck:
Look, Aunt Ginny lived a long, full life and she died in her sleep. I think we can all take comfort in that.

Brick Heck:
How is that comforting? I sleep every night. I'd be more comforted if she died in a hang gliding accident.

Mike Heck:
No, in your sleep is what you're shooting for. You just close your eyes and never wake up. You never even know.

Brick Heck:
You never even know?

Frankie Heck:
The point is she looked good.

Mike Heck:
She really did.

Frankie Heck:
And she's in a beautiful spot.

Sue Heck:
She really is.

Axl Heck:
Well, I'm never ending up in a place like that, I'll tell you that right now.

Mike Heck:
If you figure out how to avoid it, let us know.

Axl Heck:
I already did. I'm gonna be frozen.

Frankie Heck:
You're gonna be frozen?

Sue Heck:
Ew, Axl!

Axl Heck:
Relax. Not my whole body. I'm just gonna freeze my head.

Mike Heck:
You're not freezing your head.

Axl Heck:
What? Think about it. I'm pretty awesome. If I go, the world's gonna want me back. So, I'll just freeze my head, and then when they come up with a cure for whatever I died of, they'll unfreeze me.

Sue Heck:
That's creepy. How can you be sure your head will ever get put back on your right body?

Axl Heck:
If I were you, I'd want my head to be put on somebody else's body.

Axl Heck:
Axl, promise you won't freeze your sister's head and put it on somebody else's body.

Axl Heck:
I don't know that I can make that promise.

Axl Heck:
We don't listen to you guys when you're alive, what makes you think we're going to pay attention to your death napkin?

Axl Heck:
I call their dresser!

Sue Heck:
Why do you get the dresser? You don't need a dresser. You're a head, remember? You don't have clothes.

Axl Heck:
Neither do you. You're a head on a dude's body.

Sue Heck:
Mom! He's gonna do it. He's still gonna freeze my head.

Brick Heck:
Don't worry, Sue. I'll be here. I'll make sure.

Sue Heck:
Thank you.

Axl Heck:
Unless you die in your sleep.

Brick Heck:
Mom!

Frankie Heck:
People are going to be bringing food over to the house anyway.

Brick Heck:
Why?

Frankie Heck:
Because when somebody dies, you're not supposed to cook.

Axl Heck:
Why not?

Frankie Heck:
'Cause you're not supposed to cook when you're sad.

Brick Heck:
Are you sad all the time, Mom?

Axl Heck:
Okay, here are my top picks of the bereavement food. Lemon bars are wicked good. Macaroni salad was a solid "6". But whoever brought the giant cookie - ugh. It was nasty. Ugh.

Brick Heck:
Axl! That wasn't a cookie. That was my Indiana dough map project for school.

Mike Heck:
Damn it, Axl. You ate your brother's project?

Axl Heck:
Well, why'd he put it on the counter with the bereavement food?

Brick Heck:
I didn't. I put it on the counter and people put the bereavement food around it.

Axl Heck:
Pfft. Whatever. I think I did you a favor, anyway. It needed sugar.

Sue Heck:
So, Dad, you're not going to believe this. Brad came up to me on the stairs and said the most shocking thing to me. He said he has a huge secret.

Mike Heck:
Uh, Sue, you know, I don't think it's that big a secret.

Sue Heck:
No, it is. Guess what he said? A boy likes me!

Mike Heck:
Brad said that?

Sue Heck:
Yeah, he said a boy likes me.

Mike Heck:
That's what Brad said?

Sue Heck:
Right.

Mike Heck:
Uh-huh. Now, when he said that was that Brad talking or you talking?

Sue Heck:
Dad, there's really only one way to take this. Brad said a boy likes me.

Mike Heck:
I don't think so. Who's "me" in this scenario?

Sue Heck:
Me.

Mike Heck:
"You" you or "you" Brad?

Sue Heck:
What?

Mike Heck:
Let's say you wrote it in a book. Would it say, "'A boy likes me,' said Brad."?

Sue Heck:
Why would a boy like Brad? Wh-why would Brad say a boy likes him? That doesn't make any sense.

Frankie Heck:
These are the moments, Mike. We're missing our life.

Mike Heck:
We've been busy. We got a lot of kids.

Frankie Heck:
Are we, Mike? Are we really that busy? 'Cause somehow we managed to catch every single episode of "Celebrity Rehab".

Mike Heck:
Hey, keep TV out of this. We need TV. We got nothing else.

Frankie Heck:
Yeah, well, no more. [grabs coat]

Mike Heck:
Where are you going?

Frankie Heck:
Sue's wrestling meet is today and I said I was too busy. I can't be there for my one and only daughter because of paperwork? Mnh-mnh. I'm not missing out on one more hour of joy. I'm going. [pauses] But tape "Celebrity Rehab".

Aunt Edie:
When I was young, I used to love school. I remember once we had to do this time capsule, you know, fill it with important things, and bury it in the backyard so we could dig it up when we were grown.

Sue Heck:
Really? And-and did you? Did you dig it up?

Aunt Edie:
Oh, we moved before I could. What a shame. You know, I think of it every day of my life.

Aunt Edie:
You have? Oh my God. That's so many days!

Mike Heck:
I didn't think you were ever gonna do anything. As long as I've known you, you've been all talk and no action. You found a rat's foot in a can of chili and never got around to writing a letter.

Frankie Heck:
[Letter written to the principal] Dear Principal Larimer, I'm writing to bring your attention to an issue and concern to me as a parent. It regards one of your teachers, Ms Rinsky. I have tried repeatedly to have an open dialogue with her about my son's education but she has been completely uncaring and dismissive. Today, more than ever, don't we need teachers that are caring and missive. Her teaching skills in math don't add up. Maybe because when she was born the numbers only went up to ten. If you want to schedule a parent teacher conference with her, good luck! Your best bet is scheduling it with the bartender at Beefsteak Charlie's. Glug Glug. Is this the kind of teacher you want at your school? One who instead of nurturing our children, uses mind games and intimidation. She would have made a fine Nazi. Maybe she was. What do we really know about her? Mike and Sue Heck

Frankie Heck:
Oh, well. Not everybody passes the first time.

Sue Heck:
Yeah. Apparently, they have this list of infractions that if you do any of them, it's an automatic fail.

Frankie Heck:
Mm.

Sue Heck:
Speeding, failing to obey signs, backing over a curb, running off the road...

Frankie Heck:
What did you do?

Sue Heck:
All that.

Mike Heck:
She even clipped the side of the building. They're adding that to the list for next year.

Janet:
Dinner is served.

Axl Heck:
Whoa! This actually looks good. Where did you order from?

Janet:
I made it.

Brick Heck:
You made it here? Our kitchen can do this?

Brick Heck:
I've got my bridge project due tomorrow.

Frankie Heck:
What bridge project?

Brick Heck:
We have to build a bridge out of Popsicle sticks.

Frankie Heck:
And you're just starting now?

Brick Heck:
No, I'm not. I've been eating Popsicles for a week.

Frankie Heck:
Brick, we could have just bought the sticks, and you could have been using this time to build the actual bridge.

Brick Heck:
What? You could have told me that before I went up a pants size.

Janet:
She's a nightmare. The only break I get is when she holds her breath and passes out.

Frankie Heck:
Sue, are you okay?

Sue Heck:
The Glossners' dog, it's loose. It tried to chase me home. I lost a shoe. Oh, God, now it has my scent!

Axl Heck:
It's so lame around here. There's nothing on TV. There's nothing to do.

Frankie Heck:
Here's something. Take your brother out and teach him how to kick this. [tosses ball]

Axl Heck:
Can't. Book report.

Frankie Heck:
Well, then turn of the TV and get on it.

Axl Heck:
Fine. I'll teach him. Whatever. Get off me. God!

Derrick Glossner:
How about a fight?

Sue Heck:
Yeah, yeah, we'll totally fight you.

Rodney Glossner:
After school, your house. Be there.

Sue Heck:
Oh, I'll be there. I live there. I have no after-school activities.

Sue Heck:
I tried talking to them about their dog and then Carly and I got into this fight with them...

Frankie Heck:
Wait. You got into a fight?

Sue Heck:
Yeah, we had this whole routine planned and everything.

Mike Heck:
Routine? What do you mean, routine?

Sue Heck:
Yeah, well, we worked out some choreography and...

Mike Heck:
Hang on. Choreography for a fight?

Sue Heck:
Yeah, that's what the boombox was for. We played 'Kung Fu Fighting'.

Mike Heck:
You do know what a fight is, don't ya?

Sue Heck:
Of course. And they didn't even let us get to the synchronized cartwheels. We worked really hard on it, too.

Sue Heck:
Mom, be careful. That is my essay for the American Patriot Scholarship. I know I am going to get that one. No one loves America more than me. And here, check out my title - "Why I'm an Ameri-can, and Not an Ameri-can't - A.K.A. Red, White, and Sue".

Hutch:
What happened to your sister? She used to be so nice.

Axl Heck:
It's the whole house. Happened ever since I went to college. Clearly, I was the one keeping everyone happy.

Sue Heck:
[reading letter] "Dear Sue, Due to the record-high number of submissions" - they had so many submissions - "we regret to inform you that despite your wonderful essay" - they loved my essay - "we are unable to offer you a scholarship, but look forward to you trying again next year." They look forward to me trying again next year!

Axl Heck:
[to Hutch] Just give her a minute.

Sue Heck:
Wait. No! No! No! [sinks to floor] I'm so perturbed!

Sue Heck:
Are you crazy? I can't go to a spa. I have to study for my A.C.T.s, plus I'm gonna have to find a new service project, because I cut up the meat wrong and I choked an old person.

Sue Heck:
I got the Optimist's Scholarship. It's for a hundred dollars! I can't believe they picked me. Aah! The world is such a special place. I can hardly wait for the next moment.

Sue Heck:
Well, you know how I had an overbite-crossbite? Seems they overcorrected, and now I have an underbite-overbite.

Frankie Heck:
Is that even a thing?

Sue Heck:
The doctor says it's unprecedented. I'm devastated. This is a catastrophe. [throws self on couch] Ow. Ow. Ow. I can't even hurl myself!

Frankie Heck:
Shouldn't Brick be doing that?

Mike Heck:
He's sick.

Frankie Heck:
Really? Two days on the job and he's suddenly sick?

Mike Heck:
No, he is. He threw up.

Frankie Heck:
Ugh. Was it hard to clean up?

Mike Heck:
You let me know.

Frankie Heck:
But we don't just hoard our own separate batteries. We have a place for batteries - the junk drawer.

Mike Heck:
Yeah. The house batteries go in the junk drawer.

Frankie Heck:
But there are never any house batteries in the junk drawer.

Mike Heck:
Exactly. I know how this place works. Open a pack of batteries, it's like throwing a loaf of bread to pigeons.

Axl Heck:
Look, Mom and Dad should be the ones talking to you, but they won't 'cause they're lame, and they know nothing about relationships. I mean, if they did, why would they be with each other?

Sue Heck:
Axl, I'm sort of busy.

Axl Heck:
Here's the deal. You're being a huge dork. And this isn't even about your brace face, even though I have about fifty things I could say on the subject, but that's for another day. [tosses Sue's collage] How can I explain? Sue, when you started high school, you could have stepped it up and hung out with some cooler people, and maybe had a shot at a somewhat normal guy. But what do you do? You join Wrestlerettes.

Sue Heck:
I founded Wrestlerettes.

Axl Heck:
Making my point for me. Next, you date a hobbit, and never once stop to think how it will affect me. Before you do anything - anything - you need to ask yourself "How does this affect my super cool brother?".

Sue Heck:
I'm sorry, Axl, but Matt and I are going to be together forever, so get used to it.

Axl Heck:
You're nuts. Long distance relationships don't work for guys. We need our girlfriends right in front of us, and even that doesn't always work if they're standing next to their better looking friend.

Sue Heck:
Well, Matt isn't like other guys.

Axl Heck:
No argument there. But he's still a guy. [starts to leave] Oh, and, uh, just so you appreciate how nice I'm being, I haven't said a thing about your stupid headgear. And the things I have are good... and really funny. But I'm not saying them. Not even "Cage Match", which is my favorite one I came up with. So, yeah, you're welcome.

Sue Heck:
But what if nobody ever loves me like that again?

Axl Heck:
Ugh. Why do you not listen to me? I told you before, guys could... [sighs]... like you.

Sue Heck:
Really?

Axl Heck:
Trust me. I see a lot of girls where I go "How does she have a boyfriend", but you know what? They do, so why not you?

Axl Heck:
What are you doing right now?

Sue Heck:
Well, I was going to write out the entire lyrics to "Irreplaceable" by Beyonce and send it to Matt.

Axl Heck:
Okay, you're not doing that.

Frankie Heck:
Feeling better, honey?

Sue Heck:
Yeah. The ball deflected off my headgear, so it only got my forehead. How lucky am I to have headgear, huh?

Axl Heck:
What would you do if one of your friends challenged you to drive blindfolded?

Mike Heck:
Get smarter friends.

Axl Heck:
You know, I'm not gonna share my accomplishments with you anymore if this is how you guys react.

Brick Heck:
Well, Uncle Rusty stood me up.

Mike Heck:
What?

Brick Heck:
Yep. A little embarrassing. I was the only one there without a special friend. [leaves]

Mike Heck:
Damn it, Frankie. I knew asking my brother was a bad idea. This is your parents' fault for going on that stupid cyber cruise. They're old. Why do they gotta learn new stuff?

Axl Heck:
You can't be that big of an idiot. You really have no idea where Mom's going?

Sue Heck:
No.

Axl Heck:
Think! Bob's been picking her up all week, [flicks penny at Sue] she's been humming stupid songs all around the house. [flicks penny] Last night she came home with green glitter in her hair. [flicks another penny]

Sue Heck:
Oh! Stop it!

Axl Heck:
That's right, Sue. Mom still in the play. [dramatic gasp]

Sue Heck:
What?

Sue Heck:
This is so hard. It's like Sophie's choice. My friend Sophie is getting a puppy for her birthday, and she can't decide between a corgi and a beagle.

Frankie Heck:
You know, Sue, there's also a movie called "Sophie's Choice".

Sue Heck:
Oh, really? Was it about dogs? Was it sad? Oh, wait. Don't spoil it for me.

Frankie Heck:
I'm serious, Mike. I'm sick of that school. They're falsely accusing Brick, they had no idea who Sue was, and God knows what they did to Axl. They made us feel like bad parents, and we are not bad parents.

Sue Heck:
Should I describe myself as loyal...

Frankie Heck:
Not now, Sue!

Sue Heck:
All I know is I am finally working at a fast food stand in the mall, which is awesome, but now my dream is turning into a nightmare! I won't be selling delicious Idaho potatoes with your choice of 34 different toppings. I'll be selling lies!

Mike Heck:
[referring to raising Axl] . First pancake never turns out the best.

Frankie Heck:
Axl, you don't know who you asked?

Axl Heck:
I had a system. Go down a list of chicks, text them one by one - but you got me this cheap phone with tiny buttons, so I texted some random Ashley girl by mistake, who said yes, and I don't even know who she is. Way to go, Mom.

Axl Heck:
No! Weird Ashley? No way. I can't take Weird Ashley to prom.

Sean Donahue:
How was she even in your phone?

Axl Heck:
She tutored me for a couple of weeks in math last year. I got a "C", so not only is she weird, she's dumb, too.

Axl Heck:
You know it's your fault she doesn't know. You said I couldn't text, and doing it in person is hard. I'm very sensitive.

Frankie Heck:
Well, Mr. Sensitive, she already bought a purple dress, so you're taking her!

Axl Heck:
I can't! Not with the second wave about to crash. You know, when the hot girls break up with their prom dates and are back on the market, desperate to go with anyone. And that's where I come in. "Hello, ladies", heh-heh.

Frankie Heck:
Heh-heh, well, "goodbye, ladies", 'cause you already got a date. Heh-heh.

Axl Heck:
Oh my God! You care about some girl you don't even know having a good time than your own son.

Frankie Heck:
Are you my own son? Because I didn't know my son was a jerk!

Axl Heck:
Well, that's where you're wrong!

Sue Heck:
I didn't think anybody was going to talk to me, so I choked.

Carly:
Maybe we can save this. What'd you say?

Sue Heck:
I told her I had to poop. It wasn't a total lie. I kinda do. But I always kinda do. I think it's middle school.

Axl Heck:
Oh my God. Sorry I'm so broken, you had to have Sue's guitar dude over to fix me!

Reverend TimTom:
[singing] "It's tough being a parent. It's hard being Mom and Dad. It's hard being a parent, you wonder why kids do the things they do. Well, I said it before and I'll say it some more, remember, Jesus was a teenager, too. Mary wondered if he'd be okay, But he turned out to be a super nice guy in every way. He did, yeah. It's hard being a parent. It's the toughest job you'll ever do, and it's the most rewarding, too. Remember how they used to spit up on you? Don't worry this will pass, too. Yeah, it's hard being a parent."

Frankie Heck:
Ashley, your dress is so interesting.

Ashley:
It's more of a wizard's robe. I'm really into wizards.

Mike Heck:
Oh right. Like "Harry Potter".

Ashley:
Who?

Frankie Heck:
Suspended? Okay, this is not good. We do not get suspended. Wait, why are we just now finding out about this?

Axl Heck:
Well, they sent home a note, but you're always talking about how busy you are, so I signed it for you. You're welcome.

Axl Heck:
I didn't like lying to you guys, and now I don't have to pretend to go to school. I can just hang out here and watch TV.

Frankie Heck:
Suspension is supposed to be a punishment, Axl.

Axl Heck:
Oh, it is. There's nothing good on.

Mike Heck:
Do you think Axl might just be an idiot?

Frankie Heck:
Mike.

Mike Heck:
No, I'm serious. Is he an idiot? Is our kid an idiot?

Frankie Heck:
You can't call your kid an idiot. The books say you're not supposed to.

Mike Heck:
I know that. It's just that there's usually a lot of hours in the day when he's at school that we don't see him. But I was with him, Frankie. I-I watched him all day long and... I'm worried.

Frankie Heck:
Remember how smart he used to be? Then the hormones kicked in. It's like they fritzed out his brain.

Frankie Heck:
I prayed for cross country to go away.

Axl Heck:
I didn't even think my bones could break, they're so strong and thick. God! I drank so much milk. I'm suing milk!

Brick Heck:
Don't forget I have Social Skills after school. We're working on planning ahead. I was supposed to tell you two weeks ago.

Sue Heck:
I think we have a real opportunity here. I mean, clearly, this lady can't tell things of value from junk. I learned that one from watching "Hoarders".

Brick Heck:
The thing I learned from watching "Hoarders" is that it does not usually end well for the cats.

Cassidy Finch:
Wow. I feel sorry for you. Your whole identity is this tiny locker room world you think you're king of. And now you're injured and you're scared, so you're putting up an imperious facade and overcompensating for your insecurity.

Axl Heck:
Okay, if you're trying to insult me, you're gonna have to use smaller words.

Mike Heck:
Okay, what are the mandibular incisors?

Axl Heck:
Oh, my God. I have no idea!

Mike Heck:
That was for your mom.

Frankie Heck:
Oh, crap. I have no idea either. Pass.

Mike Heck:
[to Axl] What's the 12th Amendment revise?

Axl Heck:
Can I have the incisors question again?

Mike Heck:
It's Tylenol P.M. P.M. - that's why it's got the moon and the stars on it. It's the kind that makes you go to sleep.

Frankie Heck:
What?

Axl Heck:
Oh, my God. My mother drugged me? And I have a test tomorrow on... I have no idea what I have a test tomorrow on.

Frankie Heck:
You think I'm just gonna walk out of here? That I'm just gonna quit because you told me to? Well, let me tell you something about myself - I... am a quitter. A lifelong quitter. Girl Scouts? Quit. Piano lessons when they started with two hands? Quit. Working out at Curves? Quit in the middle of signing up for the membership. So, if I quit - and, yeah, I might if it gets too hard - I'm gonna do it on my terms. It might be tomorrow. It might be next week. It might be the week after! But definitely not today.

Mike Heck:
Hey, why are you crying?

Sue Heck:
I'm just so scared.

Mike Heck:
Honey, I'm gonna give you a piece of advice that my dad gave me once. He said, 'Son, stuff those feelings down. Stuff'em down and eventually they'll go away.' And I have not cried since.

Frankie Heck:
Mike, quick, turn all the TVs to PBS.

Mike Heck:
What channel is that?

Frankie Heck:
I don't know.

Ms. Barry:
And what do you do as a family for fun?

Frankie Heck:
Oh, uh, biking, canoeing, visiting Native American historical sites and looking for arrowheads.

Mike Heck:
Watch TV.

Axl Heck:
Watch TV.

Sue Heck:
Watch TV? I don't... Is it the right answer? [crying] I just love my family so much.

Frankie Heck:
We decided that instead of me getting another random job, I'm gonna go back to school and pursue an actual career. But that means in the short-term, we're all gonna have to tighten our belts around here.

Axl Heck:
Oh, my God. I thought you were getting me a car, and now you're saying we're gonna be even poorer? I can't believe this! I was so nice to you guys all summer. I barely even yelled at you, and this is how you thank me?

Mike Heck:
Well, your mom's going back to school. If you want a new car, you'll have to get a second job to pay for it.

Axl Heck:
So, I'm gonna have two jobs, she's gonna have none? You're the mom! You're the one who's supposed to be working herself to death. [pauses] Wait. You guys are messing with me, right? This is all a big set-up. Is my new car outside the window?

Mike Heck:
You're not getting a car, you idiot. We'll be lucky if we don't have to sell one of ours to pay for Mom's school.

Axl Heck:
What? I can't believe you're telling me this. These are adult problems. Whatever happened to protecting our feelings? Whatever happened to not upsetting the kids?

Frankie Heck:
We thought you'd be mature enough to handle it.

Axl Heck:
Well, I'm not, so, from now on, don't be sitting us down and telling us bad things. We'll just assume those are happening.

Axl Heck:
Mom! These chips are stale.

Frankie Heck:
[crying] I'm never gonna amount to anything. I'm a big, fat failure.

Axl Heck:
You know what? I like 'em.

Frankie Heck:
I don't know what I was thinking. I can't go back to school.

Axl Heck:
[eating] I like 'em chewy. They're like gum. They're like chip gum. [spits out chips]

Axl Heck:
Oh, and, Dad, your problem is you're always giving out these crazy punishments without ever hearing our side of things. Sue's not allowed to have a friend over till she's thirty-five.

Mike Heck:
I never said that.

Sue Heck:
Brick, can you please read the minutes from our last meeting?

Brick Heck:
Last Thursday, Sue and Carly took the batteries out of your remote and put them in their karaoke machine, and you said, quote "No more friends over for twenty years" end quote.

Mike Heck:
You have meetings?

Axl Heck:
Hey, we're not just out in the yard breaking rocks. We're in the prison library trying to figure out how to bust out of this joint.

Frankie Heck:
[voiceover] I'm telling ya. Those Duggars have it right. Let the kids police each other.

Sue Heck:
I don't want to alarm anybody, but I can't seem to find my coat.

Axl Heck:
What? Sue, if you lost that coat, you're going to blow this sweet deal for everybody. We told Mom and Dad we could take care of ourselves.

Sue Heck:
All right. Relax.

Axl Heck:
Don't you tell me to relax, Sue. I like what's going on here. I like Mom and Dad not talking to us.

Brick Heck:
[reading] "Of Mice and Men" by John Steinbeck. "A few miles south of Soledad the Salinas River drops in close to the hillside - "

Axl Heck:
You can't read every word. Just give me the highlights. And keep an ear out for when the mice come in. I think they're gonna be important.

Axl Heck:
Oh my gosh, I didn't believe in myself, but after reading your poster, I totally do. Thanks, Sue.

Sue Heck:
I really thought it was in there. Maybe someone stole it.

Axl Heck:
Yeah, there's a band of nerds running around stealing nerd jackets, selling them to nerds in Russia. You gotta be more responsible. Brick! Read my book!

Brick Heck:
Aw, somebody at the ranch is giving Lennie a puppy. Man, he just killed it.

Brick Heck:
Lennie's freaking out because he killed the puppy. Now Curly's wife is trying to calm him down. She's letting him stroke her hair. It's working. He's calming down. Oh, he just snapped her neck.

Axl Heck:
How did I ask Weird Ashely to prom again? How?

Brick Heck:
Good news. Lennie just escaped.

Axl Heck:
She must have put some kind of spell on me. I bet she took one of my hairs from our bathroom.

Brick Heck:
Now Curly's organizing a mob, and they're going after him.

Axl Heck:
She's the weirdest girl in school and probably a witch, and now I'm going to prom with her two years in a row. I might as well marry her and get it over with 'cause it's not like I've got a choice in the matter.

Brick Heck:
He and George are hiding by a pond. Lennie's flipping out, but George is telling him about the rabbits. He says they're going to live on a farm and raise the rabbits. Lennie's hugging him.

Sue Heck:
Aw.

Brick Heck:
Curly and the boys are getting closer. George is pulling out a gun.

Axl Heck:
Whoa. He's gonna fight off the bad guys?

Brick Heck:
He just shot Lennie in the back of the head!

Sue Heck:
What?

Axl Heck:
No way!

Brick Heck:
This shouldn't be called "Of Mice and Men". It should be called "Of Men Killing Other Men"!

Brick Heck:
Aah! The moth went in my ear! Get it out! Get it out!

Axl Heck:
Really?

Brick Heck:
I can hear it flapping.

Axl Heck:
Oh. Ugh.

Sue Heck:
Everything's going to be fine, Brick. [to Axl] If it goes in his brain, he's dead.

Brick Heck:
What? Why is this happening to me?

Axl Heck:
It's Ashley! I told you she's a witch. She turned herself into a moth, and now she's going after my brother!

Brick Heck:
Ahh! It's burrowing!

Axl Heck:
Just stay calm. [to Sue] I need scissors and matches.

Brick Heck:
Ahh!

Axl Heck:
You wouldn't call Michelangelo and tell him you don't understand the "Moaning Lisa".

Hutch:
Dude, it's the "Mona Lisa".

Axl Heck:
"Mona"? That's not even a word. Agh. I don't get art.

Frankie Heck:
Okay, it's not under the house. But, if you're curious, bat mothers do nurse their young.

Frankie Heck:
Look, Brick, the fact that you stink is nothing to be embarrassed about. It's just your hormones waking up and telling you things are changing in there.

Brick Heck:
Yeah, lately I notice when I wear corduroys, I...

Frankie Heck:
N-N-No need to go into details. Now, I know you recently expressed an interest in girls, and if you want that interest reciprocated, you're gonna have to put in a little effort.

Brick Heck:
Like you and Dad do?

Frankie Heck:
Like me and Dad used to do.

Sue Heck:
After many attempts with multiple subjects, including family, friends, a Red Lobster waitress, and an unfriendly baby; I, unfortunately, was unable to prove my hypothesis. However, like many scientists before me, I refuse to admit defeat. It took Einstein ten years to prove E=mc2, and if it takes me that long to prove smiling is contagious, then I am up for the challenge, for I believe there are some things that defy logic.

Sue Heck:
French anatomist Duchenne wrote that joy is expressed on the face by contraction of the muscles but it can only be put in play by the sweet emotions of the soul.

Sue Heck:
And Duchenne had a whole smile named after him. Think of the smiles over the years that have inspired a whole world to happiness: Mona Lisa's, Justin Bieber's. Some might laugh at me, I know, just as they laughed at John Gurdon. He was told in high school that he would never be a scientist. He just won the Nobel Prize. I guess it just proves that being dismissed by people who think they know better is not an obstacle to winning a Nobel Prize. So I will continue with my research, one smile at a time, until I prove that smiling is contagious, 'cause I don't want to live in a world where it isn't.

Sue Heck:
[awakened by Axl] I have a gun! No, I don't believe in guns. I have a stick!

Axl Heck:
God. You're even a dork when your life is threatened.

Frankie Heck:
You are way behind here, Axl, way behind. All your friends are totally prepared.

Axl Heck:
So? You always said if my friends jumped off a bridge, it doesn't mean I should.

Frankie Heck:
This is not a bridge situation. This time you should have been doing exactly what your friends were doing.

Axl Heck:
It's your fault. You're supposed to nag me about important stuff like this. That's the system I'm used to.

Frankie Heck:
Brick! How many times have I told you we don't eat out of the garbage?

Brick Heck:
I saw you eat cake out of it once.

Frankie Heck:
[whispering] I gave you a dollar not to talk about that.

Sue Heck:
Two and a half minutes left with the possibility of being a cheerleader. But, you know what? Even if I don't make it, it's going to be fine. It's gonna be so fine. [agitated] Oh my gosh! They're not calling! I tried and I didn't make it. My life is over! [calmly] But I guess that's just the way the old cookie crumbles. Just got to roll with the punches and all that jazz. [agitated] Why aren't they calling? Is that clock fast? Are these phones working? Why can't this family have better phones and clocks? [gasps] Oh my God, I want this so bad. I can't breathe.

Axl Heck:
No one help her.

Frankie Heck:
I don't know, Mike. I just feel like with Axl, if I don't push him, nothing gets done and he fails. But if I do push him, he freaks out and fails. What're we supposed to do?

Mike Heck:
I don't know. Maybe we should just write him off and let him be a cautionary tale for the other two.

Frankie Heck:
The crash rating on this baby: two stars. Not one, but two.

Chuck:
Out of how many?

Frankie Heck:
Five. But who cares? 'Cause if you crash, the doors are so thin they will cut you out like that. [snaps fingers]

Brick Heck:
I hate this. If they want us to think outside the box, they should tell us exactly how.

Axl Heck:
See? That's your problem, Brick. You are a rigid thinker. That's why I'm gonna end up ruling the world. All the big-time rich guys... Steve Jobs... other guys. They're all creative thinkers. Risk-takers.

Frankie Heck:
You know what? Maybe we've just said everything we've had to say to each other. You wanted to bring it. I wanted to bring it. Maybe there's just nothing to bring.

Mike Heck:
This is why we should never leave the couch. Let the cable company bring it.

Frankie Heck:
That's fine for now, but when the kids leave, it's just gonna be you and me, and we're not gonna have anything to talk about. Then we're just gonna be two old people staring at each other.

Mike Heck:
We won't be alone. Brick will be here jumbling up our meds.

Darrin:
I love books. Do you remember "Pat the Bunny"? You could feel the bunny.

Axl Heck:
So who'd you decide to go to prom with?

Sue Heck:
Actually, nobody. I am taking myself to prom. Just like Molly Ringwald in "Pretty in Pink".

Axl Heck:
Hm.

Sue Heck:
It's a very important movie from the '80s about self-acceptance.

Brick Heck:
Wait. I thought you were going with Darrin.

Sue Heck:
I was, but then I guess he decided he didn't want to go to prom after all. Oh, well. I'm off to prom. Will you take my picture? [hands Axl camera and he takes picture] Thanks. [leaves]

Brick Heck:
I know I'm only twelve, but that was the saddest thing I've ever seen in my entire life.

Darrin:
Hey, what's with you?

Axl Heck:
What's with me? I don't want to see your stupid face right now. That's what's with me.

Darrin:
That's not very nice to say that about someone's face. What did my face ever do to you?

Axl Heck:
You told my sister you were going to take her to prom, and then, like, you just cancel on her last minute?

Darrin:
What are you talking about? She has like a million dates.

Axl Heck:
No, she doesn't, Darrin. She went to prom alone. And she wanted to go with you, so nice going.

Darrin:
She doesn't even like me.

Axl Heck:
Oh, my God. Are you an idiot? Do you not see how she gets those weird googly eyes whenever you come over, and grins like an idiot? It's completely disgusting and makes me want to vomit, but, for whatever reason, she still really likes you, and you really hurt you. And that's not cool. You do not hurt my sister.

Sue Heck:
What are you doing here?

Darrin:
I came to take you to prom.

Sue Heck:
But I-I got your message. I thought you didn't care about prom.

Darrin:
I don't. I only care about you.

Sean Donahue:
I thought you were gonna lifeguard at the pool again.

Axl Heck:
Dude, that job sucked. My boss was always on me. "That chair's not for sleeping. Stop hitting on girls and save that kid."

Frankie Heck:
Mike, we can't have a wedding at this house. I'm too ashamed to even open the door for the UPS guy.

Mike Heck:
Look, I don't like this either, but you of all people should get this. You're the one who's always saying you do for family.

Frankie Heck:
I meant my family.

Mike Heck:
Look, Rusty, having teenagers - it's a lot to take on.

Rusty Heck:
Really? Well, the boy is an all-star basketball player, and the girl is a straight-"A" student, so I think I'm doing something right.

Mike Heck:
Oh, yeah? What are their names?

Rusty Heck:
Well, I'm not quite sure. But I do know that one is all white, and one is pretty much white.

Frankie Heck:
Oh, and, Mike, I heard something else drop into the pool last night. Seriously, how many squirrels have to die before we get a cover?

Sue Heck:
I wish I could ask you in, but that's the price you pay when you're keeping your relationship a secret.

Darrin:
No, you're right. Once everyone finds out, it always seems to get messed up. It's like people are threatened by our joy.

Sue Heck:
That's why it's critical that absolutely no one finds out about us. [bursts into house] I'm in love with Darrin and I need to shout it from the rooftop!

Frankie Heck:
Wait - what?

Sue Heck:
We didn't want anyone pulling us apart, so we've been keeping it a secret. It's been so hard!

Frankie Heck:
How long has this been going on?

Sue Heck:
Since prom last night. I just think about Darrin all the time. And when he's not around, I just miss him so much. How do you bear the burning ache when you're apart from Dad all day?

Frankie Heck:
I'm not gonna say it's easy.

Frankie Heck:
Okay, the chimes haven't stopped. But that doesn't mean anything. Rita might not have even seen the letter yet. But she had to, I put it on her doorstep. But then, why hasn't she taken the chimes down? [gasps] What if she can't read? No, she steals our paper. She can read.

Hutch:
Look, I'd do the same for you, you know, if you ever got a girl.

Axl Heck:
That's harsh, man. Harsh! You know what? I'm not so sure I want to live with someone who would say something like that to me.

Hutch:
Fine. I'm not sure I want to live with you, either.

Axl Heck:
Good. I'll just stay with Kenny. We have a lot of laughs.

Hutch:
Fine.

Axl Heck:
Fine! Enjoy Woods Girl. I hope you get a deer tick in a very personal place.

Sue Heck:
[praying] Dear God, I know you have war and famine, and Justin Bieber's gone off the rails, but if you could please, please, please, just let us into Disney World...

Axl Heck:
Look at this table! When I get rich, I'm gonna buy one of these and never use it!

Frankie Heck:
It's our last day at Disney World and we're missing it. No showering. Just bring the mini soaps and we'll ride Splash Mountain!

Axl Heck:
No more hats! We are going on a ride right after this. Any ride that Sue did not recommend.

Sue Heck:
Oh! Like your suggestions are so great, Axl. We all really enjoyed your leaving-the-park ride.

Frankie Heck:
So from now on, I will calmly ask you to something once, then you'll show me you can listen and I'll show you I don't need to yell.

Brick Heck:
So you're gonna stop nagging?

Frankie Heck:
I'm going to start trusting that you can do the things I ask you to.

Axl Heck:
What do we get if you do yell?

Frankie Heck:
It doesn't work that way.

Sue Heck:
We should get something.

Frankie Heck:
That's not what this is about!

Brick Heck:
How about a Tootsie Roll?

Sue Heck:
I like waffles.

Axl Heck:
That's stupid. We should get money.

Frankie Heck:
Okay, this is not some kind of contest for prizes! This is about becoming the kind of family where the mom doesn't have to yell! [calms self] Starting now.

Axl Heck:
Okay, I admit it. I screwed up. Go ahead, yell at me.

Frankie Heck:
Oh, you'd like that now, wouldn't you? Well, I don't have the luxury. I have eleven minutes to get to Office Warehouse before it closes. I cannot believe how irresponsible you are! Watch this baby. [hands baby to Axl]

Sue Heck:
Okay, as I'm sure you know, it's Mom and Dad's anniversary coming up. It's their 20th! So what are we going to do for them?

Axl Heck:
We lit up their lives every day. What more do they want?

Brick Heck:
Where's my book, Axl? I know you took it.

Axl Heck:
Hey! Until I see some proof, I will not even address these malicious and spurious charges. "Law and Order". Watch it.

Brick Heck:
Please, Axl, please don't tell me the ending. I've spent six years of my life waiting to see how it ends!

Axl Heck:
I don't know. It's just so good. I gotta tell somebody.

Brick Heck:
You can have the guitar back. It's all yours!

Axl Heck:
Eh. I don't want the guitar anymore. I'm kinda into reading now.

Brick Heck:
Please, Axl, just... just give me the book back.

Axl Heck:
Yeah, okay. [hands book to Brick]

Brick Heck:
Thank you.

Axl Heck:
Professor Faxon has been dead the whole time.

Brick Heck:
No!

Axl Heck:
The seventh circle only exists in Professor Faxon's mind.

Brick Heck:
No!

Axl Heck:
Planet Nowhere is just Earth four million years ago!

Brick Heck:
No! [drops to floor]

Axl Heck:
Oh. Brick? [nudges him] I think I killed Brick!

Frankie Heck:
I just think it's rude. You're having fun in the middle of the night without me. You're cheating on me with fun.

Mike Heck:
[laughs] Frankie, come on. You make a big deal of the smallest things. It's a freezer-burned steak. Here, you want a bite?

Frankie Heck:
No, I don't want a bite. I want to be invited by my husband to have dinner with him. You know, this is worse than an affair.

Mike Heck:
What?

Frankie Heck:
Yeah. I could understand if there was someone prettier or younger than me, but you're more interested in nobody. That hurts.

Sue Heck:
You know what? A lot of this is your fault. I really could have used Brick's help, but you broke him!

Axl Heck:
Well, he took my guitar. He brought this on himself. He had to feel my wrath.

Sue Heck:
Well, you know what? None of this is gonna stop me. Because Sue Heck does not give up.

Axl Heck:
Why not? If anyone should give up, it's you.

Axl Heck:
Come on, Brick. What do you want me to say? I can't rewind time. I can't undo what I did. I messed up. I'm sorry. Just be my brother again, all right? I can't be alone with these people.

Brick Heck:
I don't play sports. I don't exactly have a ton of friends. I have books. You don't read. You don't understand. You don't know what it's like to live in different worlds, to travel on great adventures through the galaxy with people you know better than you know your own family. To live and die with them. Have you ever loved anything? Do you have any idea? [grabs books] These are my friends, Axl, my best friends in the world. You took away something from me that I can never get back. You took it, and you wrecked it.

Brick Heck:
What's this?

Axl Heck:
It's a, uh... it's a new ending to "Planet Nowhere" that I came up with myself, so, you know, you can have, like, the experience you missed out on or something.

Brick Heck:
Really? You did this for me?

Axl Heck:
Mm.

Brick Heck:
Wow, this sucks.

Axl Heck:
You sure? Maybe you just didn't get it. You see, the entire planet lives inside the stomach of this ginormous dragon, and then, when the dragon barfs it all up, it's just like...

Brick Heck:
I-I get it.

Frankie Heck:
I can't believe he's been here for two days and he didn't come home. That lying, sneaky, little jerk.

Mike Heck:
Did you tell him that?

Frankie Heck:
No, I was hiding in the bushes outside the window.

Frankie Heck:
Wait - those are your directions?

Axl Heck:
It's a napkin with a map on it. It's a map-kin. Later.

Axl Heck:
You know, you only focus on the bad things I do. I'm smart in a lot of ways. You just never see it.

Frankie Heck:
Whatever. Have fun in Tennessee.

Axl Heck:
I'm in Tennessee?

Sue Heck:
I know you said not to look at Yelp, Brad, but I did.

Brad Bottig:
Oh, Sue. I have an advance copy of the yearbook. Don't look at that either.

Sue Heck:
Oh! My first boy-girl party. Ha! How do I look?

Frankie Heck:
Very pretty.

Mike Heck:
Be a good girl. [wipes eyeshadow]

Sue Heck:
Dad.

Mike Heck:
Okay, okay.

Frankie Heck:
Have fun.

Mike Heck:
Bible fun. God sees everything you do! Even in the dark!

Frankie Heck:
We haven't looked each other in the eye for forever. [sighs] Let's look into each other's eyes.

Mike Heck:
You look tired.

Frankie Heck:
So do you. Have you always had that thing there?

Mike Heck:
What?

Frankie Heck:
You should get it checked.

Mike Heck:
Can we stop looking now?

Frankie Heck:
Yeah, let's.

Frankie Heck:
[cell phone rings] Hi, honey. [to Mike] It's Sue.

Sue Heck:
Everyone is making out everywhere and there's beer.

Frankie Heck:
Someone brought beer?

Mike Heck:
[grabs phone] Who has beer?

Sue Heck:
Oh, I don't know, some guy with pretty hair. And they lit up incense. I'm not sure if it's illegal or not, but I'm pretty sure it is.

Axl Heck:
Dudes, it's, like, a totally lame assignment. I mean, we're only juniors. What kind of big, life-changing event could we have even had?

Sean Donahue:
I know, it sucks. I'm probably just going to write about the time I got trapped under the ice at Patoka Lake. That counts, right?

Axl Heck:
What?

Darrin:
Yeah, I can't decide between the time I helped deliver my baby sister at the carpet store or the time I was pronounced dead for two minutes when I was six. What do you guys like better?

Frankie Heck:
Sue, are you okay?

Sue Heck:
No, not at all. All of a sudden, Matt's turned into the world's worst kisser.

Frankie Heck:
What do you mean?

Sue Heck:
Out of nowhere, he puts his-his tongue into my mouth. Oh, my God! What is that? Who does that?

Frankie Heck:
Well...

Sue Heck:
I can't help but feel bad for him. It's like he totally forgot how to kiss. I mean, what place does a tongue have in kissing?

Axl Heck:
Oh, this is all your fault! You know why I haven't had a life-changing event? 'Cause nothing in my life has happened. Nothing. I mean, we're not rich enough to travel, we're not poor enough to live out of our car, Mom's not on the Internet stripping for money, and Dad doesn't get drunk and beat anyone.

Mike Heck:
Not yet.

Frankie Heck:
You got nothin'.

Axl Heck:
I know! And Darrin died for two minutes when he was six.

Sue Heck:
What? He did?

Frankie Heck:
His mother never told me this.

Brick Heck:
What happened?

Mike Heck:
When was this?

Axl Heck:
You guys suck.

Axl Heck:
[filming] This is my brother. And he's been very sick for a long time with a horrible disease. Despite all the "Walks for Hope" and "Fun Runs", there is as yet no cure. [Brick coughs] This has been such a life-changing event for me, his brother, Axl Heck, Mrs. Johnson's sixth-period English.

Brick Heck:
It's the not knowing that's the hard part. Oh, and the dying. Actually, they're both hard.

Sue Heck:
This time I tried to keep my mouth closed, but it still got in there somehow. It's almost like he's doing it on purpose.

Frankie Heck:
Yeah, Sue, here's the thing. He is doing it on purpose.

Sue Heck:
What? Why? Why would he do something like that? It's so mean.

Frankie Heck:
Yeah, well, it might seem mean to you now, but, you know, some people sort of like it.

Sue Heck:
Who? Who would like that? It's like having an eel in your mouth.

Frankie Heck:
Oh, come on, Sue, there are two girls that are pregnant in your class right now. You never heard of French kissing?

Sue Heck:
Whoa. Wait a minute. That's French kissing?

Frankie Heck:
Yeah. What did you think it was?

Sue Heck:
I thought it was kissing during a rainbow.

Sue Heck:
I'm an American girl, so I just want to kiss American. If you want to kiss... international, then you'll have to find someone else.

Matt:
Oh, thank God.

Sue Heck:
You're not mad?

Matt:
No. Your braces were ripping my tongue to shreds.

Brick Heck:
[reading his paper] "What is love? Shakespeare tells us that love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind. I'm only ten and have yet to experience great love, so I chose to write about the only love I'm familiar with - the love my parents share. It's not a new love filled with burning passion. My sister says they don't even French kiss anymore."

Frankie Heck:
Sue!

Sue Heck:
Brick!

Brick Heck:
[continues reading] "But it's the little things they do for each other that tells me what love is. Like in the car when my mom puts her hand on the back of my dad's neck and massages it. Or when my dad warms up my mom's car and scrapes the ice off the windshield on cold mornings. And how they've learned to communicate with each other using their own special language. It's true we don't have a lot of money, but I like to think even if we did, my parents would still be at home hanging out together. Of course, in a much nicer house with a Jacuzzi soaking tub. If you ask people what they think are the greatest love stories, they'll say Romeo and Juliet or Hermione and Ron Weasley. And those are fine. But, if you ask me, great love stories can be small like my mom and dad's."

Sean Donahue:
I thought you said BossCo would be in the black by now.

Darrin:
Is black the good one or bad one?

Axl Heck:
Look, we really ate it trying to get that possum out of the garage. Between Darrin's stitches and the rabies shots, we got hosed.

Darrin:
I can still see those pink eyes coming at me.

Sean Donahue:
Dude, you gotta tell her.

Axl Heck:
Well, I can't tell her. She's my sister. What if she... cries or something? I can't comfort her. I think it's illegal.

Mike Heck:
All right! That's it! That's it! We're shutting it down. The party's over. Here we go. You guys shouldn't be celebrating Valentine's Day anyway because it's a scam cooked up by the greeting card companies. You know what you should be doing? You should be studying. 'Cause guess what they're doing in China right now? They are doing math, and they're learning how to be CEOs of greeting card companies so they can sell us Americans a heart-shaped load of crap!

Mike Heck:
I know why you didn't say anything. You're too busy dating our son.

Frankie Heck:
What? That is not true. We went out a couple of times. We went shopping, we had a nice dinner, we got some ice cream... Oh my God, I'm dating our son.

Frankie Heck:
People lie, Mike, they lie. You can't show anyone who you really are until they're stuck with you. That's love.

Brick Heck:
I need to find out how it all pans out between Debbie Reynolds and Eddie Fisher. And also who Eddie Fisher is.

Sue Heck:
[tearfully] Okay, I know you still hate me, and I know you think I'm not your sister anymore, but you didn't respond to my note, so I don't know what else to do because now you're going back up to school. And I was thinking - because I destroyed something so important to you, the only way to make it up to you is if I destroy something just as important to me. So, forgive me, Woofy Dog. [sobs as she rips apart stuffed dog] Everything just got so out of hand. I am not proud of it. I have never known my life without you, and I don't even want to think about what that would be like. And these last few days, when you said I wasn't your sister anymore, I honestly thought I was going to die!

Axl Heck:
Okay! Fine! Stop! God! You're my sister again.

Sue Heck:
Are you sure? Because there are some people who use the word "sister" and it doesn't really mean anything, and they just go off to college and they never see each other again, and they only call when it's time to put their parents in a home, or exchange Christmas cards, and that's it. But that's not the kind of sister I want to be. I want to be the kind of sister you call all the time, and we laugh at how crazy Mom's being. Ha ha ha ha ha! And your kids look a little like me, and my kids look a little like you, and we all go to Kings Island every year together and wear matching t-shirts.

Axl Heck:
I'll agree to everything, except the t-shirts.

Sue Heck:
No matching shirts. You got it.

Brick Heck:
[at book club] Sorry, Margie, just not my cup of tea. I don't think I'm the target audience. Really looking forward to "Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood", though. [whispers] Ya-Ya.

Axl Heck:
I really don't know why you love me so much. I've done nothing to deserve it.

Axl Heck:
Okay, now, uh, sprinkle the glass around so it looks like the rock came from outside.

Brick Heck:
Ow! How come you don't have to touch any glass?

Axl Heck:
'Cause I got fingerprinted for the missing child program back when Mom and Dad still cared.

Frankie Heck:
I've seen enough episodes of "Castle" to know that something is not right with this picture. The glass is evenly laid out. The rock is placed just so. It's all a little too neat.

Mike Heck:
Only in this house would broken glass all over the floor be considered neat.

Sue Heck:
The rock came through the window at 7:42.

Axl Heck:
It wasn't a car. It was a Vespa.

Sue Heck:
I'll pass it on to Brick.

Axl Heck:
Pass this on, too. Now there are worse things Mom can do to your mouth than make food for it.

Axl Heck:
Clearly, we've been playing it wrong all these years.

Sue Heck:
What do you mean?

Axl Heck:
What I mean is that together we are awesome. But alone, only I am still awesome.

Brick Heck:
Huh?

Axl Heck:
They made a huge mistake when they had three kids. We outnumber them. So as long as we stick together, we get stronger and they get weaker. There's nothing we can't do.

Sue Heck:
Again? No! It's rigged!

Frankie Heck:
It's not rigged, Sue.

Sue Heck:
Then how come the Wheel of Pain always lands on me?

Mike Heck:
Tonight, or life in general?

Sue Heck:
I can't lose my party. It's my Sweet 16. It's the only birthday that has its own adjective.

Mike Heck:
If you didn't want to take away Sue's party, you never should have put it on the Wheel of Pain.

Frankie Heck:
I was just so sure it was gonna land on Axl. I kinda made his slice a little bigger.

Ruth:
I thought the world was gonna end on Thursday, so I didn't get you anything. It felt impractical.

Sue Heck:
That's okay.

Becky:
I got you this coupon for one free beat-up of the person of your choice. You can watch or not. It's your call.

Frankie Heck:
You know, there's a lot of bad things about Chicago. It's cold. There's crime. The Cubs.

Brick Heck:
Look, Mom, I understand you're nervous. But I read books, and in every one the parents are always nervous about the hero before he goes off on his great adventure. But he always goes, and he's scared, but he faces the challenge and ultimately triumphs.

Frankie Heck:
Well, I watch TV, and in all the crime shows, little kids die.

Frankie Heck:
Oh, Kate Winslet and Bill Paxton are about to present.

Sue Heck:
That's Cate Blanchett and Bill Pullman.

Frankie Heck:
They really should make them wear name tags.

Mike Heck:
He's too old, he's too dumb, and he's too Darrin.

Frankie Heck:
Well, yes, he's all of those things, but he's also very sweet and harmless.

Mike Heck:
That's what the neighbors always say about serial killers.

Mike Heck:
I can't believe you're not worried about this. He's 18 and looks 30.

Frankie Heck:
[narrating] When you get down to it, there are really two basic types of people in world: The non-worriers...

Axl Heck:
God, chill! I'll study while they're handing out the test.

Mike Heck:
The nail was a little rusty, but I threw some beer on there. Cleaned it right up.

Frankie Heck:
[narrating]... And the worriers.

Sue Heck:
What if I never get my braces off? What if I'm part of some secret experiment where they're trying to see how long a person can last with braces on their teeth?

Frankie Heck:
Axl's eating broccoli now, and that's how it starts. She tells him to eat broccoli, so he does. Then she tells him what friends he can have, what college he should go to. He should go to a college near her, so he moves there and when he does, she breaks up with him again. Then she takes him back and they get married and have kids, and then she gets bored, which is her pattern. So then they get divorced, and Axl's living in our basement, and she's moved with the kids to Florida because that's where her parents have retired. And they get to see the grandkids all the time and get to be called Nana and Pop-Pop and we have to be boring Grandma and Grandpa, and we only get to see them once a year and when we try to hug them, they're all stiff and awkward because we're strangers to our own grandkids.

Mike Heck:
And it all starts with broccoli?

Frankie Heck:
It all starts with the broccoli.

Mike Heck:
I think you worry too much.

Frankie Heck:
I have a right to be worried. Our grandkids live in Florida.

Frankie Heck:
I heard her talking, Mike. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to ruin a good time, but just let's say Morgan loves her family more than she loves ours.

Frankie Heck:
You know, when I had Axl, I didn't even work that whole first year, and with Sue I took, like, three months. But with Brick - I only took a week.

Mike Heck:
And, technically, that was to raise the Fergusons' baby.

Frankie Heck:
Hey, Brick! I know I've been busy, but guess what? There's ants in the dishwasher hole. You want to come help me put down some traps?

Brick Heck:
Yeah, I think I'll pass.

Frankie Heck:
Oh, come on. You and me, pal, watching them all march to their death together. If that's not a mother-son bonding activity, I don't know what is.

Sue Heck:
I'm Sue Heck, captain and head Wrestlerette. Now, I have to warn you girls right up front, you're not all gonna make the squad. As many as one of you won't.

Mike Heck:
How was your day?

Frankie Heck:
It was the best, Mike, the best. Brick and I spent the whole day at Ehlert's just hanging and laughing and talking. And the coolest part is I think Brick got how much he means to me, and he's not the forgotten third kid, you know. Oh, and his favorite color's yellow, by the way, and the reason he rolls up his pajama bottoms is he's worried he's going to trip in his dreams.

Mike Heck:
Glad you guys had fun. Where is he? Brick! Brick?

Frankie Heck:
Oh my God, I left him at work!

Sue Heck:
Wait, so if you had Brick's, then who told me not to try out for stuff? [Mike raises hand] Thanks for believing in me, Dad.