Cheers

Diane:
Oh no. The thing I feared most has happened.

Carla:
What? Your Living Bra died of boredom?

Woody:
Jack Frost nipping at your toes, Mr. Peterson?

Norm:
Yeah, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver.

[to Diane in court]

Sam:
To me, our relationship makes perfect sense. You want me to propose to you, I propose to you. You say no, I say fine, I never wanna see you again. You drive me nuts telling me you want me to propose again, I do, you turn me down. Next thing I know I'm in a court of law where I've got to propose to you or go to jail. It's the classic American love story.

Sam:
What'll you have Normie?

Norm:
Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap.

Sam:
Looks like beer, Norm.

Norm:
Call me Mister Lucky.

Sam:
What's new, Normie?

Norm:
Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach and they're demanding beer.

Woody:
Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.

Norm:
I know. If she calls, I'm not here.

Woody:
Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?

Norm:
Alright, but stop me at one. Make that one-thirty.

Woody:
What's going on, Mr. Peterson?

Norm:
The question is what's going *in* Mr. Peterson. A beer please, Woody.

Woody:
Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?

Norm:
No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass.

Diane:
He's trying to make a mountain out of a molehill.

Carla:
He wants you to wear a padded bra?

Norm:
I want something light and cold.

Carla:
Sorry, it's Diane's day off.

Carla:
If you can't say anything nice, say it about Diane.

Cliff:
Is this me or is this getting a little weird?

Carla:
You passed weird six months ago.

Norm:
Now you're boldly going where no man has gone before.

Cliff:
Boy, I guess it's true what they say, huh? There's a fine line between gardening and madness.

Norm:
It's a dog eat dog world, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear.

Frasier:
I've been taking stock of myself.

Carla:
Not exactly AT&T, is it?

Diane:
Sam, may I have a brief word with you?

Sam:
I suppose you could, but I doubt it.

Cliff:
Hey Carla, I have a potato that looks like Richard Milhouse Nixon.

Carla:
Big deal. Show me one that doesn't.

Sam:
I've never met an intelligent woman I'd want to date.

Diane:
On behalf of all the intelligent women in America, may I just say: whew.

Woody:
What's shakin', Mr. Peterson?

Norm:
All four cheeks and a couple of chins.

Nick:
You think it's easy being a lousy father?

Norm:
Women. You can't live with 'em. Pass the beernuts.

Cliff:
What a pathetic display. I'm ashamed God made me a man.

Carla:
I don't think God's doing a lot of bragging either.

Sam:
What are you up to, Norm?

Norm:
My ideal weight... if I were 11 feet tall.

Coach:
Norm, how come you and Vera never had any kids?

Norm:
I can't, Coach.

Coach:
Gee, I'm sorry Norm.

Norm:
I look at Vera. I just can't.

Carla:
[to Sam after he complains about the difficulty of doing a Catholic penance] "It's not a religion for wusses."

Frasier:
For I am a healer, that is what I do.

Cliff:
And WE are PANTSERS...

Norm:
THAT is what WE do. [Frasier runs]

Sam:
And while you're up there floating around, remember the day I said this: you are the nuttiest, the stupidest, the phoniest fruitcake I ever met.

Diane:
You, Sam Malone, are the most arrogant, self-centered son of a...

Sam:
SHUT UP. Shut your fat mouth.

Diane:
Make me.

Sam:
Make you? My God, I'm gonna... I'm gonna... I'm gonna bounce you off every wall of this office.

Diane:
Try it and you'll be walking funny tomorrow. Or should I say funnier.

Norm:
I have, on several occasions, been known to perspire a bit.

Carla:
We could grow rice.

Lilith:
Frasier, how do expect Frederick to learn all the skills he needs if you're hanging out all day in a bar?

Norm:
Afternoon, everybody.

Frederick Crane:
Norm. [everyone stops and looks at Frederick]

Lilith:
[picking up Frederick] Oh, he said, "Mama."

[Norm and Cliff watch Frasier and Lilith make out their wills]

Cliff:
I don't see what the fuss is over this whole will business. When I die, everything goes to ma.

Norm:
That's great, Cliff, but what if she dies first?

Cliff:
Shut up. Shut up, Peterson. SHUT UP, THE WHOLE SICK LOT OF YOU.

Mrs. Helen Chambers:
[to Sam]... you're almost as good looking as Diane says you think you are.

Carla:
If the Brady Bunch crashes in the Andes who would they eat first?

Woody:
Well probably the maid, 'cause she's not kin

Cliff:
Yeah, but if they were smart they would ask her the best way to prepare herself.

[Lilith and Frasier are having a fight]

Lilith:
I described you in terms which were positively glowing, which is exactly how I'd like to see you in Hell.

Rebecca:
Your not letting your employees take advantage of you, are you?

Norm:
Yeah, maybe a little bit. Yesterday afternoon the guys decided to just knock off early and go bowling.

Rebecca:
So what did you do?

Norm:
I broke 200. Personal high. It was great.

Carla:
What are you all sitting around here like a bunch of wimps for?

Norm:
It's what wimps do.

Cliff:
Hey Doc, ah, what do you think the toughest thing to cut through is?

Frasier:
Your unending bull.

Rebecca:
I know you have trouble dealing with a woman in a position of authority.

Sam:
Whoa, wait a minute. I resent that. I've never had trouble with a woman in ANY position.

Sam:
I'm Sam Malone, by the way.

Henri:
Ooh. I've heard about you in France.

Sam:
Oh yeah. You follow baseball?

Henri:
No, stewardesses.

Woody:
Sam, I found an apartment... It's got everything I ever wanted... a living room and a bedroom.

Sam:
Isn't this in Chinatown?

Woody:
I don't think so Sam.

Sam:
Well yeah I think it is. Did there seem to be a lot of Chinese restaurants around?

Woody:
Yeah, I guess so.

Cliff:
Were there a lot of uh signs hanging hither and yonder in Chinese there?

Woody:
Yeah, come to think of it.

Norm:
Lots of Chinese people walking around in the street I suppose.

Woody:
Yeah, but that could just be a coincidence you know. I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll call my landlady. If anyone would know, Mrs. Chung would.

Rebecca:
So did you get a chance to see Carla's babies?

Sam:
We sure did. They are two of the cutest little guys you have ever seen.

Rebecca:
Who do they look like Carla or Eddie.

Woody:
Well they're twins. They kinda' look like each other.

Coach:
How's life treating you Norm?

Norm:
Like it caught me in bed with its wife.

Coach:
How's life treating you Norm?

Norm:
Like I just ran over its dog.

[Norm walks in, and sits]

Cliff:
Hey, Norm, What's up?

Norm:
My blood-alcohol level.

Lilith:
Good afternoon, Dr. Crane.

Frasier:
Dr. Sternin. What a lovely surprise.

Lilith:
I hope I can regard that as civility in light of today's situation rather than sarcasm at my expense.

Frasier:
No, that was completely at your expense.

Diane:
And everyone knows that hate is not the opposite of love. Indifference is.

Sam:
Well, whatever you say. I really don't care.

Sam:
Have you noticed that, uh... somebody in this bar is getting a little loony?

Frasier:
Sam, everyone in this bar is on a connecting flight to beyond loony.

Frasier:
So, um... how do you like Cheers?

Lilith:
Well. It seems adequate for its purpose, but I have a feeling that you only brought me to this place to surround yourself with people you know and I don't.

Frasier:
Well, yes. But what's more, I thought that we might have a drink or two, thereby lowering our inhibitions a bit and enabling us to go back to your place and have a physical encounter of some sort.

Lilith:
Well, we won't.

Frasier:
I appreciate your candor.

Lilith:
No, you don't.

Frasier:
You're right. I feel like striking you.

Frasier:
Sam, I had the most incredible evening. Last night, I dreamed about something - not Diane. Well, she was in the background chattering on about something, naked, but the important thing is, I was a therapist again.

Frasier:
Sam and Diane - you are now and have always been hopelessly in I guess the word for it is "love", and unfortunately for you, like it or not, you always will be. [amidst their protests] I know, I know. Now you're going to deny it. Even though it's ludicrously obvious to everyone around you, you two will go on pretending it's not true because you're EMOTIONAL INFANTS. You're in a living HELL. You love each other, and you hate each other, and you hate yourselves for loving each other. Well, my dear friends, I want no part of it. It's time I just picked up where I left off. It's time to put Humpty Dumpty back together again. So I'll get out of here so you can just get on with your denial fest.

[referring to Sam's latest date]

Diane:
Pretty girl, Sam. Be careful she doesn't lose a baby tooth giving you a hickey.

Sam:
What's that crack supposed to mean? She... she young or something?

Diane:
Well, you must admit there's a bit of a gap between your ages.

Sam:
Oh, yeah? She's a very sophisticated woman, and she has traveled extensively. She's been to Hawaii.

Frasier:
Boy, I never felt so low in my life.

Cliff:
Well, Doc, if it means anything to you, I'm here for you.

Frasier:
It doesn't, Cliff, but thanks.

Woody:
Boy, Dr. Sternin-Crane having an affair with another guy. This reminds me of a terrible scandal we had back in Hanover, rocked the whole town to its core. Mayor's wife ran off with old Mr. Smithers.

Frasier:
Well, that's not so scandalous, Woody.

Woody:
Well, Mr. Smithers was a goat.

Lilith:
Well, I'm off. I don't know what the future holds. Whatever happens, I only hope I can realize my full potential. To acquire things the old Lilith never had.

Carla:
Like a body temperature?

Lilith:
That's very good, Carla. Incidentally, I've taken your little wisecracks for a few years now, you hideous gargoyle, and if you ever open that gateway to hell you call a mouth in my direction again, I'll snap off your extremities like dead branches and feed them to you at gunpoint.

Rebecca:
You know, I really think I can put together a great Thanksgiving dinner. This'll be the second one that I've cooked, and believe me, the first one was not the disaster that my family said it was. Those kids had a pretty good time in that ambulance.

Sam:
Are you crazy? Did I hear you just turn down a date with that girl? C'mon, man, reel her in.

Frasier:
Oh, Sam, you don't seem to understand. Look, I just came off a seven year marriage. It's hard to think of replacing Lilith.

Carla:
Just go to the morgue and open any drawer.

Frasier:
All right, let's review. Last night, I got knee walking drunk and now I am back this bar a mere seven and a half hours later, hung over... well, it's official. I have a problem.

Sam:
You drinking again?

Rebecca:
Certainly not. I never stopped.

Rebecca:
I am perfectly prepared to marry Robin and spend the rest of my life with him. I'm just not particularly looking forward to it.

Rebecca:
You guys, I have my new wedding dress. And now all I need is something old, something borrowed, and something blue.

Carla:
How 'bout Norm's liver?

Norm:
I am almost finished with it.

Frasier:
Afternoon, all.

Woody:
Hey, how's it going, Dr. Crane?

Frasier:
Oh, the usual. The crying, the tantrums, the bed-wetting.

Woody:
Yeah, that's fatherhood.

Frasier:
No, that's my therapy group. What a buncha losers.

Rebecca:
Until I began eating clean, I never realized how a good a nice, dry ricecake could taste.

Woody:
How can you eat those, Miss Howe, they don't have any flavor.

Rebecca:
Oh, if I eat these I will live longer.

Woody:
Well, I have a question. You know how you're always talking about how you hate your life? How come you wanna make it longer?

Rebecca:
Shut up, Woody.

Sam:
[watches Diane leave for the last time] Have a good life.

[Frasier is looking into Lilith's purse]

Frasier:
Oh, dear God.

Sam:
What? What is it?

Frasier:
Lilith is carrying a dead rat in her purse. Why would she be carrying a dead rat in her purse?

Carla:
Just a wild guess: a snack?

Frasier:
I can't believe that you're willing to destroy our marriage all because of your childish refusal to accept the death of an animal.

Lilith:
The very fact that you think of Whitey as "an animal" proves that we are completely incompatible.

Frasier:
But he WAS an ANIMAL. Wh-Wh-Wh-Wh-Wh-What was he, a vegetable, a mineral? Oh, I know. He was the CEO of General Motors.

Cliff:
Interesting little article here. It says that, uh... the average human being only uses seventeen percent of his brain. Boy, you realize what that means? We don't use a full, uh... sixty-four percent.

Norm:
Some don't use even more.

Sam:
You know... you know I always wanted to pop you one? Maybe this is my lucky day, huh?

Diane:
You disgust me. I hate you.

Sam:
Are you turned on as I am?

Diane:
More.

Lilith:
Your attempt at machismo is totally inadequate. You can't even make eye contact.

Frasier:
I could look at you if I wanted to, but frankly, I've grown tired of counting the comb marks in your hair.

Candi:
What's your name?

Frasier:
Oh, uh... Dr. Frasier Crane.

Candi:
I'm Candi.

Frasier:
Ah, yes, so I see from your necklace. Candi with an "I".

Candi:
Well, I used to spell it with a "Y" but nobody ever took me seriously, so then I switched it to an "I". You know, like Gandhi.

Frasier:
Yes, yes. I understand that's why he did it.

Norm:
Boy, I envy Sammy and his carefree lifestyle.

Carla:
Yeah.

Norm:
Night after night, he dates pretty girls, while I sit here and wrestle with the world's problems.

Carla:
You do not.

Norm:
What do you mean? Last night I let out a moan at the thought of nuclear war.

Carla:
It wasn't 'cuz of nuclear war, it's cuz we ran out of beer nuts.

Norm:
It was a combination of the two.

Diane:
Methinks the man does protest too much.

Woody:
Excuse me, Miss Chambers, but shouldn't it be "I thinks?"

Carla:
Not in your case, Woody.

Sam:
Listen, listen, listen - if you don't love the guy, then why don't you just back out of this?

Rebecca:
I'm supposed to tell the richest man in the world that I don't wanna marry him?

Sam:
No, he's not rich anymore, remember?

Rebecca:
That's right. What's his number?

[In regards to Henri, from France]

Lilith:
Woody, you don't even like this man. He's been bothering you ever since he followed your girlfriend back from Paris, and now you're paying him to photograph you?

Woody:
Well, he just borrows money from me anyway. This way I don't hafta worry about him paying me back.

Lilith:
It's good you worked that out, Woody.

Lilith:
No, you don't understand. Usually, we don't get attached to the rats, but this one was so special. We even named him. Everyone in the lab called him Whitey.

Carla:
Are you sure they weren't talking to you?

Lilith:
No, Carla, they were talking about Whitey the rat.

Carla:
Okay, I'll ask again. Are you sure they weren't talking to you?

Lilith:
Frasier, I've got to run. I'm having my photograph taken for a new ID badge at the lab.

Rebecca:
Are you going to get your hair done for that?

Lilith:
Why on earth should I?

Carla:
Well, at least get the tension on that bun checked. I mean, if that baby goes, we're all dead.

Lilith:
That hardly seems just coming from a woman whose hair has never seen a greasy pot it couldn't scrub clean.

Lilith:
Now while I'm away, I need you to water the plants, pay the paperboy, and take the garbage out on Tuesday nights. I've written it all down for you.

Frasier:
Lilith, you don't hafta treat me like a child.

Lilith:
Of course not, Frasier. Oh, please remember: don't open the door to strangers.

Frasier:
Lilith.

Lilith:
Well, Frasier, there is a precedent set. We lost our stereo that day.

Frasier:
Well, he looked friendly and he needed to use the phone.

Lilith:
It was three o'clock in the morning, darling.

Frasier:
People have flats at three in the morning.

Lilith:
He was wearing a ski mask.

Diane:
One murder does not a murderer make.

Woody:
What's up?

Norm:
The warranty on my liver.

Norm:
I wish I had time for a hobby.

Cliff:
Norm, you've got time to make your own coal.

Esther Clavin:
The last thing I want to see is my son's face on the 11 o'clock news.

Carla:
There's an entire city that agrees with you.

[Sam has made a baseball comeback]

Norm:
Boy oh boy. The thought of Sammy out there, chucking them down. What I wouldn't give to see that.

Cliff:
Norm, it's only a thirty-dollar train ride.

Norm:
Well, that's what I wouldn't give.

[Red Sox star Wade Boggs enters Cheers]

Wade Boggs:
Hi, I'm Wade Boggs.

Norm:
Yeah, pal, and I'm Babe Ruth.

Cliff:
And I'm Dizzy Dean.

Woody:
I'm Woody Boyd.

Norm:
Next to Sammy's life, my life has always appeared dull. Then again, next to a barnacle's life, my life has always appeared dull.

Diane:
The arrival of yet another thickheaded jock epic. There must be confetti all over the Library of Congress.

[Coach has just fired a baseball player for grabbing Diane's ass]

Sam:
Are you gonna fire him for that little thing?

Coach:
The only thing he's had in his hands this whole week is Diane's ass.

Norm:
What's This Old House?

Frasier:
It's a show on PBS.

Norm:
What's PBS?

Lilith:
Tell me you didn't see that coming a mile away.

Cliff:
Uh oh, looks like Woody's babes are comin' to blows.

Sam, Frasier, Cliff, Norm:
CAT FIGHT. CAT FIGHT.

Kelly Gaines:
You get outta my way right now or, so help me God, I'll... I'll hurt your feelings.

Emily:
You do that and I'll hurt yours right back.

Frasier:
KITTEN fight.

Sam, Norm, Cliff:
KITTEN fight.

Rebecca:
Sam, I need to talk to you, and I have no one else to talk to.

Sam:
Sure, what is it?

Rebecca:
I'm having problems with my relationship with Robin, and I think it may have something to do with this.

[Reaches into her shirt and pulls off her face like a mask to reveal Al when Sam suddenly wakes up]

Sam:
I hope that was a dream.

Carla:
I have five kids.

Dr. Bennett Ludlow:
Five?

Carla:
Well, five and counting. You're gonna be a father.

Cliff:
Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Woody:
What's a Freudian Slip?

Cliff:
That's when you say one thing when you're actually thinking about a mother.

Lilith:
I'd like you to be maid of honor at my wedding.

Rebecca:
Shouldn't that be for your best friend?

Lilith:
You are my best friend. Now what is your name?

Rebecca:
Rebecca.

Lilith:
Lilith Sternin. Pleased to meet you.

Rebecca:
Likewise.

[Carla and Diane are discussing Nick's new wife]

Carla:
Look, here's a picture of them.

[Diane looks at it, and rolls her eyes]

Diane:
She's naked.

Carla:
So what? So is he.

Diane:
[looking at the picture again] I thought he was wearing mohair pajamas.

[Rebecca is considering plastic surgery]

Woody:
Miss Howe, I may be in the minority here, but I'm tired of all this plastic surgery talk. I think you're perfect just like you are.

Rebecca:
Well, Woody; no one is perfect. Surely there must be something about me you think needs improving.

Woody:
OK. Your breasts then.

Rebecca:
Thank you, Woody.

Woody:
No. Thank you.

[the gang is discussing Cliff's 'girlfriend"]

Lilith:
Who is this Maggie?

Frasier:
Just a woman with whom Cliff had a romantic relationship.

Lilith:
Frasier, if you don't want to tell me just say so.

Carla:
I'm scared. Norm, hold my hand.

[Carla grabs Norm's hand]

Norm:
Woods, hold my hand.

[Norm grabs Woody's hand. He looks at his beer, and then his hands]

Norm:
Um, Lilith, could you pass me a straw?

[Sam is jealous of his brother Derek]

Diane:
Derek just wants to fly me out to Martha's Vineyard.

Sam:
[bitter] In a plane or on his back?

Carla:
Who's the biggest bigwig of them all?

Al:
[his first line] Sinatra.

Rebecca:
There is some crap up with which I will not put.

[the bar is littered with ingredients as Diane is trying to make a Bloody Mary]

Diane:
Lot of ingredients in a Bloody Mary, Sam.

Sam:
Yeah, I know. That's why we usually mix up 5 gallons and put it in the refrigerator beforehand. How come doing this, Carla? Why'd you let her do it?

Carla:
I wanted to see her try and make vodka.

Carla:
Yeah, Lilith you look like a million bucks.

Lilith:
Thank you Carla.

Carla:
You didnt let me finish, what I was going to say was you look like a million bucks just stampeded across your face.

Lilith:
Thank you Carla, I hope you don't forget us when you become president of Hallmark.

Cliff:
How would the Civil War had changed if Abraham Lincoln had octopus tentacles instead of a beard?

Cliff:
It's a little know fact that 42% of deaths in America are caused by accidents in the home.

Carla:
So were you.

Woody:
Have you had her scream for you, Sam?

Sam:
Later Woody, later.

Coach:
Hey, Norm. What do you know?

Norm:
Not enough.

Old Man:
What if I bought this guy a beer?

Norm:
Buy me a pitcher and you can kiss me on the lips.

Sam:
Hey, Norm, can I get you a beer?

Norm:
Beer? Isn't that the amber-colored, carbonated liquid? I've heard good things about it.

Diane:
Come on, Sam, just leave us in here.

Sam:
That's a great idea - leave two women who hate each other in a room full of glass and alcohol.

Everyone:
NORM.

Coach:
What's new, Norm?

Norm:
I need something to hold me over until my second beer.

Coach:
How about a first beer?

Norm:
That'll work.

Norm:
My supervisor's coming over here for drinks. I don't want to give him the impression that I'm one of those barfly type guys.

Rebecca:
I lost my dream job, and when I walked out of that House of Pancakes, I felt two inches tall.

Cliff:
Did I ever tell you kids about the first Thanksgiving? It took place between the ancient Egyptains and aliens from a distant galaxy.

[after burning down the bar]

Rebecca:
Hey Sam, speaking of bars burning down, guess what I did?

Sam:
You know what Woody, you just gave me something to think about.

Woody:
I'm sorry Sam, I hate it when someone does that to me.

[Diane continues to waffle on whether or not to leave Cheers]

Carla:
[exasperated] I've had WARTS that went away faster.

Coach:
How you doing, Norm?

Norm:
Coach, I'm on top of the world... it's a dismal spot in Greenland somewhere.

Diane:
You've been with a lot of women.

Sam:
No, I have not. There have not been that many women. I just exaggerated here in the bar. There have not been that many.

Diane:
How many have there been?

Sam:
Oh, I don't know. Maybe four hun...

[Diane makes a startled gasp]

Sam:
Honeys. Honeys. Four honeys.

[Sam is being kicked out of the Diane's apartment]

Sam:
[angry] You want to know the truth? It wasn't four honeys. It was four HUNDRED women, easy.

Diane:
[coolly] They'd have to be.

Sam:
Damn.

[Sam and Diane are about to have sex for the first time]

Sam:
[to God, muttering] She better be GREAT.

[on reincarnation]

Cliff:
The Hindus believe that what you come back as depends upon your behavior in your this life. If you led a good life, you come back in an elevated state.

Coach:
Like Colorado?

Cliff:
No, Coach. Uh, more like a king or a prince. Conversely, if you've not led a good life, you come back in a more lowly condition.

Norm:
Last time out, I must have made a real ass out of myself.

[the gang had been talking about reincarnation]

Cliff:
Hey Sam, what of you think about death?

Sam:
[angry at Diane] Too good for her.

Sam:
You know, you've made my life a living hell.

Diane:
Nobody said it would be easy.

Carla:
I think I'm going to be pregant for the rest of my life, just like it said in the yearbook.

Sam:
Stubborn little bugger, isn't he?

Carla:
You know, Sammie, I think he's found out about his brothers and sisters and has decided to remain inside where it's safe.

Cliff:
If I wasn't wearing this uniform, I'd ask you to step outside.

Norm:
If you weren't wearing that uniform, we'd all step outside.

Frasier:
Oh, joy, Christmas Eve. By this time tomorrow, millions of Americans, knee-deep in tinsel and wrapping paper will utter those heartfelt words, 'Is this all I got?'

[Nash punches out Woody in a fight, then Kelly shows up]

Kelly Gaines:
I came here to stop the fight.

Carla:
Fight? I've had sneezes that lasted longer.

Norm:
I'm trying to write a letter of recommendation for my secretary, Doris.

Cliff:
Why? Is she quitting?

Norm:
No, I gotta let her go. Business hasn't been so good since I decided to stop working.

Cliff:
I have impossibly high standards for a woman.

Norm:
Yeah, she has to like you.

[the bar holds a drawing to decide the night's designated driver]

Carla:
And the lucky loser is... Norm Peterson.

Norm:
Great, the first time I enter this thing and you can't pick...

[Norm pulls another slip from the hat]

Norm:
Norm Peterson or...

[Norm pulls another slip from the hat]

Norm:
Norm Peterson or...

[Norm pulls another slip from the hat]

Norm:
Norm Peterson or...

[Norm pulls another slip from the hat]

Norm:
Oh, Frasier Crane. At least somebody was honest.

Frasier:
I beg your pardon. I wrote "Norm Peterson".

[Norm looks at the slip again]

Norm:
You're right. I wrote that.

[Designated driver Norm returns to the bar]

Norm:
Beer please.

[Sam slides a beer to Norm, but Carla intercepts it]

Carla:
Sorry, Norm. Until the night is over, you're still our designated driver.

Norm:
I know that and you know that, but did you have to call every bar in town and tell them?

[Carla has recieved a bouquet of flowers]

Sam:
Who's your secret admirer?

[Carla beckons for Sam to come closer, which he does]

Carla:
None of your damn business!

Coach:
What'd she say?

Sam:
"None of your damn business."

Coach:
[angry] Well, excuse me for living! How would you like it if I said that to you when you asked me to teach you how to throw a knuckleball?

Sam:
You DID, Coach.

Coach:
Oh, then we're even.

Diane:
If ignorance is bliss, this is Eden.

Sam:
Carla's trying to become the kind of waitress you would enjoy being waited on by.

Diane:
"Being waited on by"? You just ended that sentence with two propositions.

Sam:
Haven't you got customers to be waiting on?

Diane:
You ended that sentence with a proposition.

Sam:
Haven't you got customers to be waiting on, MULLET-HEAD?

[while Sam and the guys play poker, Rebecca discovers the bar has no liquor license and starts serving non-alcoholic beverages]

Sam:
Rebecca, could we have another round of beers? The guys are going through it like it's water.

Rebecca:
Well, it's not!

Carla:
Where's Diane?

Sam:
Oh, she's out at an interview to be a T.A. at some college.

Carla:
She'll never get it. She's a big "A" with no "T"'s.

[Sam and Diane are fighting... yet again]

Carla:
Oh, now why would I want to miss this? Yet another episode of "The Young and the Chestless"?

Carla:
I've got it! I've got it!

Diane:
What, you've actually managed to conjure up something besides yet ANOTHER illegitimate child?

Carla:
Ooooh, a completely unprovoked personal attack... I like it!

Sam:
Woody, next time you order beer, be more specific than "lots".

[Frasier arrives at the bar for his bachelor party]

Frasier:
You know, on the way over, I decided to listen to a rock station to get into the mood. And I heard a line in one of those tribal passages that I thought was the keynote for this evening. "Everybody have fun tonight. Everybody Wang Chung tonight."

[the Cheers gang goes to the Olde Towne Tavern and finds Al]

Carla:
Hey, Al, why aren't you at Cheers?

Al:
[looking around at the inside of Gary's] Holy mackerel! This isn't Cheers?

Gretchen Darrow:
[snarling at Norm] What are you looking at, endomorph?

Woody:
What do you say to a cold one, Norm?

Norm:
See you later, Vera; I'm going to Cheers.

Lilith:
Frazer; how can you expect Frederick to develop the verbal skills he'll need if you sit around with him in a bar all day?

Norm:
Evening everybody!

Frederick Crane:
Norm!

Rebecca:
I was told by my boss to come up with something for the retirement party so I got this left over seafood platter from Melville's.

Carla:
Leftover seafood? Isn't that kind of cheap?

Rebecca:
What should I have done? Strip naked and dance on the tables to "Funky Cold Medina"?

Sam:
We could help you rehearse.

[Cliff has read that his medication can cause male breast enlargement]

Cliff:
I see you all looking at my chestal area; stop it! I don't have breasts!

Rebecca:
Don't let them get to you, Cliff. I took that medication and the risk of side effects is very overrated.

Cliff:
Oh, yeah, Rebecca? How long ago did you take it?

Rebecca:
About twenty years ago; back when I was a little boy. [Cliff stomps out as Rebecca high-fives Carla]

[Lilith is confronting Rebecca over her alleged affair with Frazier]

Lilith:
Rebecca Howe?

Rebecca:
Yes?

Lilith:
I'm saving you a lot of trouble, you know. Frasier is a good man, but he is obsessively compulsive and neurotic. Sure, the sex is great, but he gets his feelings hurt if you don't praise his performance. That can be taken care of with a simple "Thank you, Conan".

Rebecca:
Who are you and who is Frasier? I don't know Frasier and... [pause] "Thank you, Conan"?

Rebecca:
[after Sam winks at her] Mr. Malone, are you developing a tic?

Sam:
No, that was a wink.

Rebecca:
Oh, then you're developing into a tick.

Lilith:
We've been examining our lives and discovered some frightening things.

Carla:
You finally found Diane walled up in Frasier's crawlspace?

Lilith:
[Lilith is getting very involved in her pregnancy] Life, I am a pillar of life! [to Sam] Touch my breasts, friend, I am lactating!

Sam:
Uh, gee, I think I'll pass.

Sam:
[regarding Norm's bar tab] You know, Norm, you've been coming in here a long time. Look at the first entry, "skinny guy at the end of the bar".

Norm:
Morning, everybody!

Woody:
Beer, Mr. Peterson?

Norm:
Little early in the day isn't it, Woody?

Woody:
Little early for a beer?

Norm:
No, for stupid questions.

Frasier:
[Lilith has some bad news for Frasier] I'll simply imagine the worst thing you could possibly tell me, and whatever your news is will pale by comparison.

Lilith:
This afternoon in a moment of extreme weakness, I cheated on you.

Frasier:
THAT WAS IT! THAT WAS THE WORST THING!

Frasier:
We can put man on the moon but can't put metal in the microwave.

Norm:
[Norm is trying to pass himself off as a gay interior decorator to a yuppie couple] Did I tell you that I programmed myself to dream about your space last night?

[the gang has found out about Norm's interior decorating business]

Norm:
Uh, guys; sorry I didn't tell you, but I figured you wouldn't understand.

Cliff:
Ah, we don't care about your sexual orientation there, Normie. You can get stuff wholesale!

[after crashing Cliff's car, the guys try to get it restarted]

Sam:
I'm turning the key, but nothing's happening.

Cliff:
That's because I've got it rigged up with an anti-theft device. What I do is I turn the wheel all the way to the left.

Sam:
Got it.

Cliff:
Then I turn the key as hard as I can.

[Sam turns the key]

Sam:
Oh dear. Cliff, I just broke off the key in the ignition.

Cliff:
I said "As hard as I can", Sammy.

[Sam tries to hotwire Cliff's disabled car]

Frasier:
Are you sure you know what you're doing?

Sam:
Don't worry. My old friend Buck taught me how to hotwire a car.

[Sam electrocutes himself and falls to the ground]

Frasier:
Sam, are you all right?

Sam:
Diane?

Cliff:
You see, Sammy. What your friend Buck never counted on was the Cliff Clavin Auto Security System. First, Mr. Car Thief gets the shock of his life, then the doors automatically lock and the alarm goes off.

Norm:
Wait, the doors *lock*?

Cliff:
Yeah, and the alarm should be going off. I don't know why it ain't working.

Norm:
I guess I'll have to do it manually then... [screaming at Cliff] You locked us out of the car!

Cliff:
Ah, there he is. Dr. Frasier Crane. The man who won the hand of Diane Chambers.

Carla:
Found out he had to keep the rest of her.

Diane:
Do I beg men to fall in love with me?

Sam:
I hope not. I like to think I was special.

Norm:
[referring to Vera lunching with the wives of his bosses] She just didn't pass muster.

Woody:
Well maybe she couldn't reach it.

Frasier:
[after Sam has lambasted Rebecca for burning down the bar] Well, I guess we've seen the dark side of Sam Malone.

Cliff:
You wanna see dark sides, you oughta see Ma when you leave the shower curtain outside the tub.

Diane:
"For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these - it might have been."

Nick:
Knock, knock

Kelly Gaines:
Who's there?

Nick:
Opportunity.

Kelly Gaines:
Opportunity who?

Nick:
This is gonna take some time.

Carla:
[to Nick Tortelli] You do anything to ruin my lovely daughter's wedding and I will choke you till your eyes bug out.

Cliff:
[tearfully] It's just like "The Waltons".

Woody:
Why would an actress leave in the middle of a successful series?

Diane:
Sam, I have never been more grateful to you than I am now. I just looked into the face of insensitivity and dishonesty and it made me blanch. I am going out there and I'm going to break up with Stuart, but I'm going to do it honestly, straight-forwardly, and yet caringly. I'll tell him the truth of my feelings, that I'm not attracted to him romantically, although I am very attracted to him as a friend. And I'll say it in a way that he will accept and understand and be grateful for. Do you even begin to understand what I'm trying to say?

Sam:
[pause] Everything except the part where you changed your name to "Blanche".

Diane:
[completely unsurprised] Goodbye, Sam.

Sam:
Goodbye, Blanche.

Sam:
Time to rap about a controversy / Gonna take a stand, won't show no mercy / Lotta folks says jocks shouldn't be / Doing the sports new on TV / I don't wanna hear the latest scores / From a bunch broadcast school boys / So get your scores from a guy like me / Who knows what it's like to have a groin injury. G-g-groin, g-g-groin injury.

Norm:
[Frasier and Lilith are having an argument in Sam's office] Sammy, don't you think you should check on them? They've been in there for over an hour.

Sam:
Yeah, I guess so. [knocks on the door] Frasier, you guys all right?

Frasier:
[opening the door] A few more minutes, Sam. It's almost my turn to talk.

Sam:
[after a bar patron tells him about a girl from UConn known as "Back-seat Becky"] Say, Rebecca, where'd you go to college?

Rebecca:
University of Connecticut, why?

[Frasier has kidnapped baby Federick from his own bris]

Sam:
Frasier, you realize you have to go back.

Frasier:
I know, Sam. I just don't know how I can return to a place where I have thoroughly embarrassed myself. How do you do it, Cliff?

Cliff:
Oh, that's easy, Frase. You see, I... hey!

[the guys play a game of basketball, but Norm's ball won't bounce]

Sam:
The ball seems a little low on air, Norm.

Norm:
Yeah, it's been a while since I've been to the gym. I used to go to the one next to Cheers.

Cliff:
There's no gym next to Cheers.

Norm:
I know, they tore it down to build the jewelry store.

Cliff:
There's no jewelry store either.

Norm:
I know, they tore that down to build the bank.

Sam:
Bank's been there as long as I can remember.

Norm:
Well, there you go.

Sam:
[Sam has sworn off his womanizing ways, but the bar patrons beg him to reconsider] Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!

Woody:
Kelly's coming back from Europe today.

Frasier:
Ah, she's hopping the pond.

Woody:
What?

Frasier:
Well, the pond. It's a reference to the Atlantic.

Woody:
Why, Dr. Crane. The Atlantic is an ocean. How many of those have you had?

Frasier:
Apparently, not enough.

Frasier Crane:
Hello in there, Cliff. Tell me, what color is the sky in your world?

[while having a debate with Cliff]

Norm:
Hey, Frasier, you're a doctor. What happens to old, dead skin?

Frasier:
Apparently it sits on barstools and drinks beer all day.

Sam:
If I win, I get to go bed with you.

Rebecca:
What do I get if I win?

Sam:
YOU get to go bed with ME.

Frasier:
You see, Sam, there's documented evidence that all human animals have an erotic, hair-trigger response to at least one of the five sensory stimuli. Could be anything, really. Oh, let's see: sound of surf pounding against the shore, smell of honeysuckle on a warm summer's night, taste of a vintage Chateaux-neuf-du-Pape. [getting turned on] Fire-red fingernails... dancing through your chest hair. [breathing heavily] Black lace teddy, straining against its fleshy cargo.

Sam:
Whoah, whoah, Frasier. Snap out of it.

Frasier:
In a minute, Sam.

Cliff:
Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... You know that famous buffalo theory thing...

Norm:
Yeah?

Cliff:
I never said it.

Joanne:
[as part of her on-screen newscast] And Keller is scheduled to be executed on Friday. I guess he won't be around then for the Patriots-Buffalo game on Sunday.

Rebecca Howe:
[to Sam about giving him time off to do his sportscasts] I figure one of two things will happen. Either you'll do well, they'll offer you a job and I'll never see you again. Or, you'll screw up, humiliate yourself, come back here a crushed and broken man. Either way, I win.

Carla Tortelli:
[about their new green uniform] I hate this uniform. It's ugly. It makes me look like a beached whale. And on top of everything, I can't find any earrings to go with it.

Sam Malone:
Try some broccoli.

Carla Tortelli:
Ha, ha. I mean it Sam, I really hate it.

Woody Boyd:
I used to like it, but now I'm getting kind of tired of it. Feel like I'm wearing the same thing every day.

Dave Richards:
[trying to convince Sam to fill in as sportscaster] Come on Sam, you'd be great. You talk good like me and you're handsome.

Dave Richards:
[to Rebecca after first laying eyes on her] I make an unGodly amount of money and I know exactly how to use it.

Rebecca Howe:
You must be a friend of Mr. Malone's.

Dave Richards:
Well, you know what they say, the good looking ones travel in pairs. And, uh, that certainly is true in your case.

Rebecca Howe:
Do you have the time?

Dave Richards:
4:30.

Rebecca Howe:
Good, because I just wanted to remember the exact moment I met the biggest jerk on Earth.

[Sam laughs at Dave]

Dave Richards:
[to Sam] Tough woman, tough woman.

Sam Malone:
You got that right. I wear a cup to work.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Sam, may I suggest deception.

Cliff Clavin:
Well, ah, hold on to your horses there, Frasier. I mean, as a psychiatrist, isn't it your job to seek and uphold the truth?

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Oh, get real, Cliff.

Carla Tortelli:
[about her brutally honest personal ad] Oh sure, I could tell 'em I got no kids, right? I could tell them that I'm twenty-one, five-nine, gorgeous green eyes, flaming red hair, and ta-ta's till Tuesday. How am I going to explain to him how I really look when he sees me?

Sam Malone:
Stress?

Carla Tortelli:
Hey! All right! Next time I spill my guts, remind me to do it in front of friends.

Sam Malone:
I'm just trying to cheer you up.

Carla Tortelli:
I am in no mood to be cheered up. Next guy tries to cheer me up is going to get open face surgery.

[Carla storms out of the room]

Norm Peterson:
I don't get it. She's got ta-ta's till Monday afternoon at least.

Sam Malone:
Guys, how come we didn't see this one coming?

Diane Chambers:
Oh, this from a group who every year fails to see winter coming.

Norm Peterson:
Thanks for reminding me, Diane, I've got to take those screens down.

[Carla has just found out that Mitch the airline pilot does not exist, and she is ready to head off on a date with Vinnie]

Carla Tortelli:
Hey Vinnie, could you do me a favor?

[Vinnie nods positively]

Carla Tortelli:
Just for tonight, could you pretend that your name is Mitch, and that you're an airline pilot?

Vinnie Claussen:
Well, I guess, if you'll call yourself Raven and pretend you're a Vegas showgirl.

Carla Tortelli:
You're weird. I like that.

John McLaughlin:
Young man, a beer please.

Woody:
Hey, you're on Sunday morning TV, aren't you.

John McLaughlin:
Indeed.

Woody:
Are you, uh, David Brinkley?

John McLaughlin:
No.

Woody:
Sam Donaldson?

John McLaughlin:
Give me a break.

Woody:
Oh, aren't you guy who keeps the gorgeous ladies of wrestling from tearing each other's hair out.

John McLaughlin:
You could say that.

Woody:
[as John McLaughlin takes out his money to pay, Woody says in awe] Oh, man, your money's no good here.

John McLaughlin:
Actually, I'm John McLaughlin. I'm the moderator of a political round table called 'The McLaughlin Group'.

Woody:
Oh. That'll be two-fifty.

Sam Malone:
Don't you think this place could be as fun as Cheers?

Carla LeBec:
Sam, I don't think this place could be as fun as World War II.

Norm Peterson:
Women: you can't live with them, pass the beer nuts.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
There's an old real estate maxim that says the three most important things when looking for a property are location, location, location.

Woody Boyd:
That's just one thing.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
That's the point Woody.

Woody Boyd:
What, that real estate people are stupid?

Dr. Frasier Crane:
No, that location is the one most important thing in real estate.

Woody Boyd:
Then why do they say that it's three things?

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Because real estate people are stupid.

Sam Malone:
I'll tell you what I want. I want my beat up old desk back. I want my sports stuff back on the walls. I want to get rid of those creepy plants out there and that stupid world map of where ever the hell it is.

Woody Boyd:
[looking in the direction of Frasier and Lilith] There's something different about Dr. Sternin-Crane, I can't put my finger on it. Is it her hair? I don't know, I'll get it. Her dress? Oh, I got it: her husband's growing a beard.

Rebecca Howe:
[to Sam] What do you say when you break up with a woman?

Sam Malone:
I usually say, 'I'll call you tomorrow'.

Russell Boyd:
Say, uh, Sam, is Rebecca coming in today?

Sam Malone:
Well, she's scheduled to work, so I'm not really sure.

Carla Tortelli-LeBec:
Can I help you?

Henderson:
Do you have a Clavin here?

Carla Tortelli-LeBec:
Yeah, but it hasn't been flushing right lately.

[Rebecca is rushing out of the bar]

Rebecca Howe:
Somebody cover for me.

Carla Tortelli-LeBec:
Cover for what? You don't do anything around here?

Rebecca Howe:
[sarcastically] Ha-ha.

Carla Tortelli-LeBec:
[to Sam] Seriously, what does she do around here, anyway?

[Sam shrugs]

Larry:
Hey, Norm, what's the matter? Don't you like having sex with your wife?

Norm Peterson:
We're not exactly what each other wants in a sexual partner, you know? For example, she wishes I looked a little more like Charles Bronson. And, um, I wished she looked a little less like Charles Bronson.

Sam Malone:
[after a fight about their past relationship, where Diane is about ready to storm out of Sam's office] I'm sorry.

Diane Chambers:
What?

Sam Malone:
I'm sorry. I did the best I could when I was with you. I mean, you're right, I have blind spots, and I'm not a very good boyfriend. I have never tried harder with any woman in my life. I mean, we had some bad times, but I tell you, the good times with you were some of the best of my life.

Diane Chambers:
That's the nicest thing you ever said to me.

Sam Malone:
Diane...

Diane Chambers:
No, Sam, stop. I want to get out of here before you say something stupid that ruins it.

Sam Malone:
Oh, no, no, no...

Diane Chambers:
No, no, no, no, now stop. Don't ruin it.

Sam Malone:
I'm not going to ruin, it. I...

Diane Chambers:
Sh-sh. Sh-sh-sh-sh-sh. [she walks out of the office]

Sam Malone:
[thinks for a second] Oh, yeah, that would have ruined it. Oh, would it ever.

Henr?:
Woody, I have a riddle for you. How long will it take for me to steal your girlfriend?

Woody Boyd:
I give up.

Henr?:
Then it won't take long at all.

Kelly Gaines:
Sorry Henr? but I guess I can't marry you because my boyfriend won't let me.

Henr?:
I am sorry Kelly. I was trying to take you away from Woody and have my way with you and divorce you and take half your money. Can you ever forgive me?

Kelly Gaines:
Oh, I can't stay mad at you you silly.

[Henri is about to be deported]

Woody:
[sadly] What kind of country kicks a guy like that out and lets a guy like me stay?

[Henri and Kelly leave]

Woody:
I'll tell you what country...

[the door closes]

Woody:
[joyous] U.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A.!

Carla Tortelli:
My life's the pits. Seems like good things happen to everybody except me, you know. Norm has a new job. Frasier actually seems happy since he met his creepy girlfriend. And Sam's given up women and decided to marry Diane. What have I got? Zip. Woody, I mean how do you keep such a sunny disposition in this rotten, stinkin', infested world?

Woody Boyd:
You mean, what do I do when I see Mr. Blues peaking around the corner?

Carla Tortelli:
God, he even has a cute name for depression.

Woody Boyd:
Well, I just close my eyes and think a happy thought. I'll show you. [closes his eyes and slowly begins to grin broadly]

Carla Tortelli:
What was your thought?

Woody Boyd:
I'm glad I'm not you.

Diane Chambers:
Sam, great news. I found a house.

Sam Malone:
Hey, turn it in. Maybe you'll get a reward.

Diane Chambers:
No, you goose. I found our house. I was driving to work today and as luck would have it, there was an eight-car smash-up.

Woody Boyd:
Oh boy, I need change for this fifty.

Harry 'The Hat' Gittes:
You need change? Maybe I can help you, huh? [he whips out a wad of one-dollar bills]

Woody Boyd:
Great!

Cliff Clavin:
Hold it, hold it...

Harry 'The Hat' Gittes:
Oh, come on guys, give me a break, I'm a reformed man.

Norm Peterson:
Oh yeah? Maybe you wouldn't mind if we monitored this little transaction?

Cliff Clavin:
Yeah, yeah.

Harry 'The Hat' Gittes:
Wouldn't mind at all.

[Norm and Cliff hide their keys and wallets before approaching Harry]

Harry 'The Hat' Gittes:
[to Woody] 'kay, you need fifty bucks? [starts counting out the bills] Here's one, two, three, four five. Norm, what time is it?

Norm Peterson:
Eleven.

Harry 'The Hat' Gittes:
Eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen. My watch must be fast, I've got eleven twenty-five. Twenty-six, twenty-seven, twenty-eight. Cliff, you have not aged a day. How old are you?

Cliff Clavin:
Thirty-nine.

Harry 'The Hat' Gittes:
Thirty-nine! Forty, forty-one, forty... wait. You can't be that old. What year were you born?

Cliff Clavin:
Forty-seven.

Harry 'The Hat' Gittes:
Forty-eight, forty-nine, fifty. There you go barkeep. [hands the bills to Woody, who hands Harry the fifty dollar bill]

Sam Malone:
How's life treating ya?

Norm Peterson:
It isn't Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't.

Sam Malone:
What can I get you?

Evan Drake:
Got some twenty-year old scotch?

Sam Malone:
No. We've got some pretzels that have been around for a while though.

[Rebecca and Woody are across the customer-filled bar from each other]

Rebecca Howe:
[yells across the room with a piece of paper in her hands] Woody. What's this message: "Urgent, see Woody".

Woody Boyd:
Oh, right. Ryan from the escort service called. Said there was a mistake in the booking and couldn't make it tonight. Said to be discreet about it. That's why I wrote the note that way.

Diane Chambers:
Everyone knows that hate is not the opposite of love. Indifference is.

Sam Malone:
Oh, whatever you say. I really don't care.

Sam Malone:
[about Dr. Lilith Sternin] You really made her look beautiful, Diane.

Carla Tortelli:
[to Diane] Physician, heal thyself.

Frasier:
You know, you perplex me.

Lilith:
Oh?

Frasier:
Yes, usually people of your limited physical appeal make up for it with an actual personality.

[Valerie, who Sam has never met, has come down from Melville's to talk to Sam about a check he made out to John Allen "You Stink" Hill as rent for the pool room]

Valerie Hill:
Excuse me. Are you Mr. Malone?

Sam Malone:
Yeah.

Valerie Hill:
Well, there seems to be a problem with this check.

Sam Malone:
Oh, what, I just made a joke name up, big deal. All he has to do is make sure he endorses it John I Stink Hill.

Valerie Hill:
No, Mr. Malone. You made it out for too much. You added an extra zero.

Sam Malone:
[apologetically] Wow. Oh, well, thank you very much. It's... I'm kind of surprised that someone as nice as you works for that bald headed jackass.

Valerie Hill:
Oh, I don't work for him. I'm the bald headed jackass' daughter, Valerie You Stink Hill.

Sam Malone:
I'm sorry. I never intended for anyone to see that except John.

Valerie Hill:
And all the people at the bank.

Rebecca Howe:
Sam, give me a break. The only reason you're interested in that girl is that you can't have her. It's the same thing with me.

Woody Boyd:
You wanted her too, Miss Howe? Boy, I've been in this city one month too long.

Rebecca Howe:
[about having a non-sexual relationship] Have you ever heard of conversation?

Sam Malone:
Yeah, I've heard of conversation. You know, contrary to what a lot of people think, I'm not that dumb. Here, come on, try me. Sit down. Let's conversate.

[the prize-winning dog Rebecca is taking care of is missing. The doorbell of the house rings, and Rebecca opens the door. It's Woody with a dog]

Rebecca Howe:
Woody! You found him. Oh God, I don't know who to kiss first.

Woody Boyd:
Well, I just had a breath mint.

Mr. Sheridan:
[points at Woody] Miss Howe, who is this man?

Rebecca Howe:
[not wanting to tell the truth, she needs to devise a lie] This man? He's Woody. He's my boyfriend.

Woody Boyd:
[pleased] Wow, Miss Howe.

Mr. Sheridan:
Your boyfriend calls you 'Miss Howe'?

Rebecca Howe:
[flustered] I was his teacher.

[while Mr. Sheridan is in the kitchen with Satan who he thinks is his own dog Buster, Sam enters with the real Buster]

Rebecca Howe:
Sam, get that mutt out of here.

Sam Malone:
What?

Rebecca Howe:
Sheridan's in the kitchen with Satan.

Sam Malone:
This is no time for folk singing.

Carla Tortelli:
I hate it when they call me 'Cutie'.

Diane Chambers:
Well, I do know how you feel. Earlier tonight, a customer had the affrontery to refer to me as 'Honey'.

Carla Tortelli:
But that makes sense. Honey is bee barf.

Sam Malone:
Lefty had a heart problem.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso:
That's it. Hank has the same thing. I mean, the least bit of excitement - wham, bam, he's curtains.

Diane Chambers:
Coach, how about sex?

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso:
Diane, please! I thought you were Sam's girl?

Diane Chambers:
Coach, I'm talking about Hank.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso:
Hank is seeing Carla.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso:
[to Sam] Are you listening to this?

Diane Chambers:
That's the last time I let somebody have a great time in my bedroom.

Henry 'Hank' Zenzola:
[about his heart] I have a serious problem.

Carla Tortelli:
You do?

Diane Chambers:
[about the Coach] He also said that any exertion could be very dangerous for you.

Sam Malone:
And so, we thought we'd catch you before you and Carla...

Henry 'Hank' Zenzola:
...exerted.

Sam Malone:
Yeah.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso:
How's life, Norm?

Norm Peterson:
Ask the man who's got one.

[Coach serves Norm a beer]

Norm Peterson:
Ahh, here's mine now.

Norm Peterson:
[Sam has raised the price of beer] I'm gonna have to figure out how much I can drink and still stay within my suds allowance.

Sam Malone:
[Norm punches figures into his calculator] What do you got?

Norm Peterson:
I'm gonna have to cut back 8.7%. It comes out to, uh...

[Norm calculates more numbers]

Norm Peterson:
...one beer every half hour. Guess I'm gonna have to drink a little more slowly.

[Norm downs his beer in one gulp]

Norm Peterson:
[brief pause] Slowing down isn't so bad.

Carla LeBec:
[explaining why she's afraid to fly] The first time in an airplane, it was on my honeymoon with Nick. We were going to New York, a short flight, no problem, right?! Well suddenly, the plane hits turbulence, right?! Me and Nick were thrown all around that bathroom. I haven't flown since.

Sam Malone:
Carla wants to visit Eddie on the west coast but she's afraid to fly.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
What do you mean by afraid to fly, what, um, she's clausterphobic, agoraphobic or acraphobic?

Carla LeBec:
Deathaphobic.

Carla Tortelli:
Oh, of course I'm going to resist. But all I have to do is be alone with him for a second and I melt.

Diane Chambers:
Then there's one simple solution, we shan't let you alone with him, right everyone?

Everyone in the Bar:
We shan't.

Loretta Tortelli:
I just realized that Carla and I are both women.

Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane:
[to Frasier] Do you realize when I publish my book on borderline psychosis, every penny I ever spent in this bar will be deductible?

Woody Boyd:
Hey, does anyone have a plunger?

Sam Malone:
Why, did something happen to the toilet?

Woody Boyd:
No. My Uncle Elroy left his leg on the bus, and he wants to dance.

Rebecca Howe:
Dead. He can't be dead. He just sat down to take a little nap.

Sam Malone:
Frasier, are you sure?

Dr. Frasier Crane:
I'm trained as a physician. Believe me, he's dead. You don't make that mistake twice.

[Woody and Kelly's wedding is delayed since the minister to perform the ceremony has died, a fact that has not yet been spread amongst the wedding guests]

Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane:
What's taking so long? Shouldn't the wedding have started by now?

Sam Malone:
Ah, well, something came up, Lilith. I'm afraid I can't go into it, but, uh, maybe it'd be a good idea if you went out there and, you know, were to sing and dance and use some of your natural talents to entertain people.

Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane:
Omigod, someone died, didn't they?

[Sam is in Diane's apartment. There's a knock on the door]

Sam Malone:
Who's there?

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso:
Me. Who's there?

Sam Malone:
Coach?

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso:
No. I'm Coach.

Diane Chambers:
How are you this morning, Norman?

Norm Peterson:
Oh, as if you cared.

Sam Malone:
Is it me, or is that woman gorgeous?

Woody Boyd:
You look nice Sam, but I'd have to go with the woman.

Rebecca Howe:
[Rebecca walks out of her office] Announcement! Announcement! I just got a phone call and if things work out, it might be my ticket out of here. [everybody cheers and applauds] Don't you even wanna know what it's about?

Sam Malone:
There's more?

Rebecca Prout:
Pardon me.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso:
Oh, hi.

Rebecca Prout:
I'm looking for a Diane Chambers.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso:
Ah, you're in luck. We got a Diane Chambers.

Rebecca Prout:
I beg your pardon?

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso:
I hope you only want one.

Rebecca Prout:
Do you sense, as I do, that this conversation is an exercise in futility?

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso:
Thank you very much.

Rebecca Prout:
I'll never forget those long afternoons in the quad, drinking champagne, eating brioche with strawberry preserves, reading and talking Schopenhauer.

Diane Chambers:
Yeah, well, enough Schope talk.

Diane Chambers:
[about her friend, Rebecca] Sam. That woman over there is a dear friend of mine. Now she is going through a very difficult period. So whatever she asks you, please, just say no.

Sam Malone:
[confused] What?

Diane Chambers:
No.

Rebecca Prout:
[approaching Sam and Diane] Diane?

Diane Chambers:
Yes?

Rebecca Prout:
Would you excuse us a moment?

Diane Chambers:
Fine.

[as she leaves Sam and Rebecca alone, Diane emphatically mouths the word "no" to Sam]

Rebecca Prout:
Would you object to joining me in my hotel room for a afternoon of wild animal passion?

Sam Malone:
[loudly so that Diane can hear] No!

[Diane nods her approval]

Sam Malone:
What's your name?

Rebecca Prout:
Does it matter?

Sam Malone:
[loudly so that Diane can hear] No!

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso:
How's life treating you, Norm?

Norm Peterson:
Like he caught me in bed with his wife.

[Rebecca is telling Diane about how sad she's been since she broke up with her boyfriend]

Rebecca Prout:
I used to find enormous comfort translating Russian poetry.

Diane Chambers:
I know.

Rebecca Prout:
But no more. Even when I went back over my favorite, Karashnakov's "Another Christmas of Agony," it failed to soothe me.

Rebecca Prout:
[Reciting poem] Mischa the dog lies dead in the bog. / The children cry over the carcass. / The mist chokes my heart, covers the mourners. / At least this year we eat.

Diane Chambers:
Well, if that didn't pick you up, I'm at a virtual loss.

[Sam talks about throwing a bon voyage party for Evan Drake, who is taking a job in Japan]

Sam Malone:
I'll make it a Japanese theme. Yeah, yeah. We'll have chips and cheese.

[Rebecca, who is driving unrequited love Evan Drake to the airport for his flight to Japan, finds out that he will be accompanied by his new lover]

Evan Drake:
Anyway, you wanted to ask me something?

Rebecca Howe:
[holding back the tears] Yes sir, I just wanted to tell you that... this is a lot of car to handle. I can't believe I have the strength to keep from swerving into the oncoming traffic and killing us both.

Sam Malone:
I can't be trusted. Trust me.

John Allen Hill:
[about Woody] He's cute. Does he come with his own duelling banjo?

[Woody is phoning Kelly to find out who the man was that took suggestive photos of her. A French speaking man answers the phone]

Woody Boyd:
[to Norm, Frasier and Cliff about the man on the phone] Do you know what that pervert said to me? 'All?'. What does that mean in English?

Norm Peterson:
Wai, wai, wait, I took some French in high school. I think all?, all? means, um, 'I've got your girlfriend in my arms and, um, soon we'll be naked, you stupid cuckold'.

Cliff Clavin:
That's funny, Norm, because I thought it meant, 'I have your girlfriend in my arms and we're already naked, you stupid cuckold'.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
[to Norm and Cliff] Oh, for God sake, stop hectoring the poor lad.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
[to Woody] It simply means that I enjoyed your girlfriend...

Sam Malone:
Thanks for dropping me off, honey.

Martha:
Sure. [they kiss]

Sam Malone:
Oh, I tell you - phew! - man, Martha's Vineyard is the sweetest place on earth.

Martha:
Bye, Sam.

Sam Malone:
Bye, Martha.

Carla Tortelli:
Hey, wait, I got an idea.

Diane Chambers:
You mean you actually conceived something besides a child?

Carla Tortelli:
Whoa. A bitter and unprovoked attack. I like it.

Sam Malone:
Hush, hush, hush. I'm thinking.

Diane Chambers:
Someone note the date and the time.

Diane Chambers:
Oh, Sam. I have dire news.

Sam Malone:
Good or bad?

Sam Malone:
It's not like we get Justice of the Peace and ministers walking in this bar every day.

Norm Peterson:
Don't be too sure, my son.

Diane Chambers:
You, Norman?

Norm Peterson:
Yup. Back in the 60s, sent a dollar into one of those churches that advertise in the back of Rolling Stone. I'm an official minister of the Church of the Living Desert.

Sam:
You handle this; you're a little smarter than me.

Diane:
I'm a lot smarter than you. This napkin is a little smarter than you.

Carla LeBec:
I'd like to do something to Gary to make him really miserable.

Cliff Clavin:
Why don't you marry him.

Carla LeBec:
Why don't you.

Cliff Clavin:
Why don'tch-you.

Carla LeBec:
Why don'tch-you.

Cliff Clavin:
ch-you.

Carla LeBec:
ch-you.

Cliff Clavin:
ch-you.

Carla LeBec:
ch-you.

Cliff Clavin:
ch-you.

Carla LeBec:
ch-you.

Cliff Clavin:
ch-you.

[Cliff is describing a poem he is about to recite]

Cliff Clavin:
It's written in iambic pentathlon with rhyming couplets, every couple of couplets.

Rebecca Howe:
Sam, guess what I've got under my coat.

Sam Malone:
If I guess right, can I keep 'em?

Sam Malone:
Oh, that stunt tears it. Now I'm mad.

Woody Boyd:
Yeah, I can tell.

Sam Malone:
How? That little vein bulging in my forehead?

Woody Boyd:
No.

Sam Malone:
My nostrils flaring?

Woody Boyd:
No.

Sam Malone:
My jaw's clenched?

Woody Boyd:
No.

Sam Malone:
Well, then how can you tell?

Woody Boyd:
You just said, 'Now, I'm mad'.

Sam Malone:
Yeah, oh now, I'm really mad.

Woody Boyd:
Yeah, I can tell.

Carla LeBec:
[about inflitrating Gary's Old Towne Tavern] Woody, you don't know what you're getting yourself into. I mean, those guys at Gary's are vicious. They could strip you naked, paint you red, and put you on a subway.

Woody Boyd:
They wouldn't do that.

Carla LeBec:
They did it to me. But I got the best of them.

Norm Peterson:
How's that?

Carla LeBec:
I loved it.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
[about himself and Lilith] We're having a devil of a time trying to find a babysitter. Geesh, what we wouldn't give to get away together.

Carla LeBec:
Oh, me too. I live for that.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Really? You could use a vacation?

Carla LeBec:
No. I want you guys to go away.

Sam Malone:
He can't do anything worse to us than he did last year. Remember that? The place was packed, and Gary and his goons filled our stairwell with potatoes.

Woody Boyd:
Yeah, just my luck, I was sitting on the bottom of the steps tying my shoe at the time. Lucky for me you guys were able to dig me out. I'd hate to be the second member of my family buried alive by potatoes.

Sam Malone:
What are you up to Norm?

Norm Peterson:
My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.

Norm Peterson:
Gary's smarter than that. He know we'd be on the look out for a stranger, so he'd plant somebody we do know.

Sam Malone:
Yeah. Probably try to turn one of our own against us. So the idea is, who do we suspect the least?

[the gang at the bar ponder the question]

Woody Boyd:
I think it's me.

[Phil puts a quarter in the jukebox and "The Monster Mash" starts playing]

Phil:
Hey! This isn't "Funky Town"!

Dr. Frasier Crane:
As that famous prankster Santayana once said, "Those who do not learn from history are condemned to repeat it".

Woody Boyd:
You got that right, Dr. Crane. Back in high school, I was condemned to repeat History three times. By the way, the same goes for Mathematics.

[a police photographer comes by Cheers to take photos of a bomb explosion at the bar]

Police Photographer:
I'm here to take pictures of the wreckage.

Carla Tortelli-LeBec:
[pointing Rebecca's direction] Ah, she's way over there.

Sam Malone:
Hello, Harry.

Harry 'The Hat' Gittes:
Hey Sam.

Sam Malone:
[looking at tableful of watches] Whatcha doing? Trying to sell some bogus watches, some knock-offs to my customers and try to cheat them?

Harry 'The Hat' Gittes:
[holding up a watch] Sam, that hurts. This is no knock-off. That's a five thousand dollar Rolex, but it's on sale for twenty-five hundred.

Sam Malone:
Is this a real Rolex, Harry?

Harry 'The Hat' Gittes:
Yeah!

Sam Malone:
[Sam grabs the watch and starts banging it on the table] Whoa. Hey, it sounds like a Rolex, doesn't it?

Sam Malone:
[drops the watch into a mug of beer, which he holds up to take a look at the watch] Oh, look at that, it's still ticking too.

Harry 'The Hat' Gittes:
Uh, Sam...

Sam Malone:
Hey, do me a favor, just take your bogus goods and pedal them someplace else, will you.

[a man enters the room]

Watch Salesman:
So Harry. Are you interested in buying a watch?

Harry 'The Hat' Gittes:
No, but I think my friend Sam might be.

[Norm and Cliff have just gotten dressed]

Norm Peterson:
You know, my underwear's a little tight.

Cliff Clavin:
It's funny, mine's a little loose.

[realizing they are wearing each other's underwear, they simultaneously scream]

Harry 'The Hat' Gittes:
Face it, you're a bunch of losers. It's nothing to be ashamed of. It's your nature, you know. It's the way God made you. You're part of his master plan. If it weren't for you guys, how would we know who the winners were?

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso:
Diane, if you're looking for a place to stay, there's a lovely little inn up in Vermont my wife and I used to drive to all the time.

Diane Chambers:
What inn?

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso:
In our station wagon.

Sam Malone:
Guys, does anybody remember anything that Diane has ever said about impressionism?

Carla Tortelli:
No, but I know she makes a bad first one. After that, it gets worse.

Diane Chambers:
Uh, not this again. It's starting to sound like a broken record.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Oh, now you're saying that I'm redundant, that I repeat myself, that I say things over and over.

Sam Malone:
Um, I'm sorry Diane. One more art question here.

Diane Chambers:
What is it Sam?

Sam Malone:
Uh, all right. Excuse me.

[Sam places an art book in front of Diane]

Sam Malone:
OK, now this Rubens guy. Is this the same guy that invented that sandwich?

Diane Chambers:
No, no, I don't think so.

Sam Malone:
Well, OK, I was just wondering. Boy, cause I tell you, the women in his paintings look like they really tuck away the groceries.

[Norm and Cliff walk into the bar]

Norm Peterson:
Afternoon everybody.

Everyone in the Bar:
[loudly] Norm!

Cliff Clavin:
Afternoon everybody.

[dead silence]

Norm Peterson:
[about his and Cliff's meal at The Hungry Heifer] Yeah, Cliffy had himself the tunnel T-bone. For less than four bucks, you get 24 ounces of USDA choice US bef.

Cliff Clavin:
Bef? You mean beef.

Norm Peterson:
Beef? Don't be ridiculous Cliffy, that stuff is bef. You see, it's a Hungry Heifer trademark for a processed, synthetic, what... , meat-like substance.

Cliff Clavin:
Ohh, Norm.

Norm Peterson:
What do expect for four bucks? Do you hear me complain about the loobster?

Diane Chambers:
Well, Sam I guess I'll be going home. Unless there's something you'd like to talk to me about. Now that we're almost alone and we have a private moment. [she is expecting Sam to ask her to go away for a romantic weekend]

Sam Malone:
Well, actually there is something I'd like to ask you. [He is going to ask her to tend bar for the weekend while he's away. The only other time she tended bar, she didn't like it and did badly]

Diane Chambers:
Oh? Ask away.

Sam Malone:
You know, you've been acting kind of strange today, is there...

Diane Chambers:
Well, I've had something on my mind.

Sam Malone:
Ah-ha. Well, me too. Ah... Well, it's getting pretty tough for me to ask you, actually, um...

Diane Chambers:
Sam, if it makes it any easier, I know what you're going to ask.

Sam Malone:
You do?

Diane Chambers:
Yes. I overheard your conversation. Perhaps I shouldn't have, but I couldn't help it. You're going to ask about this weekend, aren't you?

Sam Malone:
Yeah. Yeah. The first time we tried it, it didn't turn out too hot. Well, I'm going to take full responsibility for that.

Diane Chambers:
Well. I'm sure that I was at fault too.

Sam Malone:
Well, whatever, whatever. I think the important thing is that it'll be better this time, now you know where everything is.

Diane Chambers:
Well, I suppose that's true.

Sam Malone:
Yeah, I'll tell you what. Ah, if you like this weekend, maybe we can talk about making it permanent. What do you say?

Diane Chambers:
Permanent? Is that what you want Sam?

Sam Malone:
Well, I'm not making any promises here. Let, ah, let's just see how the weekend goes. OK? Is tomorrow at 3 OK, cause I already made reservations...

Diane Chambers:
I know, I'm... Sam, I'm, I'm just overwhelmed.

Sam Malone:
Oh, come on, you don't have to be nervous. Listen, after your first couple of drinks, you'll relax, get into it and I think you'll actually enjoy it.

Diane Chambers:
Well, it does seem to help.

Sam Malone:
Yeah.

Diane Chambers:
Oh, Sam...

Sam Malone:
What, what, what?

Diane Chambers:
Well, everything's going so fast. My mind is a tumult. I feel like we're on a runaway train. Where will it end? I, I, I've got to think about this, I'm sorry. [heads out of the bar]

Sam Malone:
Boy you really are taking this seriously. [yells after her as she leaves the bar] Hey, listen, don't worry, if you break anything, I'm fully insured.

Diane Chambers:
[to Paula, about her relationship with mystery man, namely Sam] But, we have something that just won't die. Kind of like crabgrass.

Al:
[after Diane slaps him a few times and walks away] Still, that's the most fun I've had since 1958.

[first lines]

Norm Peterson:
[finishing his beer] Delicious, Sammy. Fortunately, I saved room for another.

Sam Malone:
[Norm enters the bar] What do you want, Norm?

Norm Peterson:
A reason to live. Keep 'em coming.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
[after Lilith buys Sam in a bachelor auction] Oh Sam, Sam, I've got to talk to you. You can't go through with this.

Sam Malone:
Come on man, she's only doing it to make you jealous.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
God, I'm losing her Sam.

Sam Malone:
No, would you stop that, man. You're my friend. I'm never going to take a woman away from you.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
What about Diane?

Sam Malone:
And didn't God punish me with a vengeance?

Dr. Lilith Sternin:
Why don't you go make love to your accountant? [she walks out]

Norm Peterson:
You know, if more people followed that advice, this world would be such a happier place.

Rebecca Howe:
This is great! We're just $2,000 away from breaking the record. How many guys do we have left?

Carla LeBec:
Just Sammy.

Rebecca Howe:
Oh well, there's always next year.

Sam Malone:
Two thousand dollars? Oh, gee, I might actually have to comb my hair. [he walks away]

Rebecca Howe:
Come on you guys, there's no way he can get that by himself. God, if we just had one more hunk.

Cliff Clavin:
All right, all right, all right. [he gets up]

Rebecca Howe:
Mr. Clavin, that is a really sweet gesture, but isn't there some regulation against government employees in uniform participating in this kind of a thing?

Cliff Clavin:
Oh, that is a very salient point, and one which I came within a hair of overlooking. I thank you. [he shakes her hand] Boy, I shudder to think what might of happened.

Norm Peterson:
We all do.

Norm Peterson:
You know how I've been trying to get Vera pregnant? Congratulate me.

Sam Malone:
Hey, hey!

[there is general excitement with Cliff, Carla and Sam]

Sam Malone:
Whoa, I think this calls for champagne, here.

Norm Peterson:
Why, thank you Sam.

Sam Malone:
What sex do you want it to be?

Norm Peterson:
Sex? Come on, I thought you just ask for the vintage, you know. Wait, wait, I see your mistake. Vera's not with child. She just told me I didn't have to try and get her pregnant anymore. Let's celebrate, come on, party!

Sam Malone:
Carla, uh, I'd like you to meet Woody Boyd. Woody, this is Carla Tortelli.

Woody Boyd:
Hi ma'am.

Carla Tortelli:
Ma'am? What's that supposed to mean?

Woody Boyd:
I believe it's a term of respect.

Carla Tortelli:
No wonder it sounded so weird.

Norm Peterson:
[walking out of the pool room] Hey Cliffy, next time you try and imitate that helicopter, I think you ought to chalk up the cues before you stick them in your ears.

Cliff Clavin:
You kidding. I'd look pretty silly with chalk in my ears.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
[after telling the story of how Diane left him at the altar] The story of my humiliation spread like wildfire through the university, and then to the entire Italian countryside. Everyone knew about it, everyone knew about my shame.

Sam Malone:
No, you must have been imagining it.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Oh, was I? Do you know that in soccer, when a player kicks at the ball, misses and falls down, it's now called a 'Frasier'.

Sam Malone:
That could be a coincidence.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
If he's knocked cold, it's called a 'Frasier Crane'.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
[about Diane leaving him at the altar] I've lost everything Malone: my tenure, my practice and my Diane. My life is ruined and it's all your fault. Don't you think someone should pay for that?

[Frasier pulls out a gun and points it in Sam's direction]

Sam Malone:
If by someone you mean someone in this room, I, I can honesty answer no, I don't. Oh, come on.

[suddenly becomes calmer]

Sam Malone:
Ah, wait a second. What are you doing? The gun's not even loaded.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Certainly it's loaded.

Sam Malone:
No it isn't.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Oh, of course you know it's not, because Frasier Crane is a harmless person, who never caused you a moment's concern, not a moment's worry, who was never a threat to your relationship with Diane, and he isn't a threat now. Is that it, Sam?

Sam Malone:
[points in the gun's direction] No, it's just that the little holes there are empty.

Sam Malone:
[at a convent] You wouldn't happen to know where a men's room was around here, would you?

Diane Chambers:
Sam, would you put a men's room in a convent?

Sam Malone:
Right now, I would, yes.

Sam Malone:
[visiting Diane at the convent] Hi, Diane.

Diane Chambers:
Hi, Sam.

[Diane does a double take]

Diane Chambers:
AHHHH!

Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane:
If I had a problem and needed to talk to someone about it, would it be perpetuating a stereotype to actually select a bartender?

Sam Malone:
It depends.

Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane:
On what?

Sam Malone:
On what you just said.

Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane:
I feel like a failure - a failure as a mother, ergo as a woman and a person. Do you make a drink for failures here at Cheers?

Sam Malone:
Ah, hold on a sec. Phil, what are you drinking?

Phil:
A Manhattan.

Sam Malone:
[to Lilith] Manhattan.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
[about spending the day at the bar with Frederick] I thought that Frederick might enjoy himself.

Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane:
Enjoy himself in a bar? He's eleven months old. What kind of values can he learn here?

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Well, I thought the place had a lot to offer.

Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane:
Oh, please. He'll never learn to speak in this environment.

Norm Peterson:
[Norm walks into the bar] Afternoon everybody.

Frederick Crane:
Norm!

Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane:
[looks lovingly into Frederick's eyes] He said Mommy!

Marge:
Say, aren't you Sam Malone?

Sam Malone:
Guilty as charged.

Marge:
Small world. Marge Thornhill here. Don't you remember me?

Sam Malone:
Ah, boy, you know, I can't quite place the face. Where did we meet?

Marge:
Oh well, we didn't actually meet, but I know you remember me. I went to every home game you ever played.

Sam Malone:
Ah, Marge, there are a lot of people up in the stands there.

Marge:
Sure, but you got to remember me. I always sat behind first base, five rows up, remember? I used to get there early so that I could watch you warm up in the bullpen.

Sam Malone:
I'm sorry.

Marge:
I know you couldn't forget this.

Marge:
[stands up and yells] "Hey Malone, you pitch like my sister. Why don't you go home and make a dress!"

Sam Malone:
[affectionately] Was that you? Well, how have you been? Guys, guys, I want you... Do the one where you say I couldn't get the ball across the plate if I drove it there in my car.

Marge:
No, no, that was then, and this is now. By the way, I'm really sorry for all those shots I gave you over the years. No hard feelings?

Sam Malone:
No, of course not, it's all part of the game.

Marge:
[raises the martini Sam made for her in toast] You're a real sport, Malone.

Marge:
[tastes the martini then stands up and yells] You call this a martini? What did you use for vermouth, turpentine?

Sam Malone:
[to Norm] The great ones never lose it.

Cliff Clavin:
All right, I got it, I got it. The worst possible way to die: to be eaten alive by rats.

Norm Peterson:
Naw, I think I can do better than that. I'd say the worst way to die is to be sliding down a razor banister, OK? A greased razor banister.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Wait, I've got it. To die alone, knowing that you have never been loved.

Norm Peterson:
Come on Frasier, if you're not even going to try...

Carla LeBec:
Woody, what time is it?

Woody Boyd:
Don't go by my watch. I always set it ten minutes ahead so I won't be late for things.

Carla LeBec:
You were late this morning.

Woody Boyd:
Yeah, I know. I couldn't find my watch.

[Carla has received a bouquet of roses, supposedly from Eddie]

Rebecca Howe:
Oh, why can't more men send flowers?

Sam Malone:
I didn't know Mormons couldn't send flowers.

Rebecca Howe:
I said "more men", not "Mormons".

Sam Malone:
I know they can't dance.

Norm Peterson:
No Sammy, that's the, ah, that's the Amish.

Sam Malone:
Why can't Mormon's send flowers?

Rebecca Howe:
They can.

Sam Malone:
What are you talking about?

Rebecca Howe:
I just wish some one would send me some damn roses.

Sam Malone:
Why does it have to be a Mormon?

Rebecca Howe:
[exasperated] Oh!

Sam Malone:
Some people you just can't discuss religion.

Carla LeBec:
Hey everybody. Listen up. I want you all to repeat after me: 'I am a very stupid person.'

Everyone in the Bar:
I am a very stupid person.

Carla LeBec:
'And I will never doubt the undying love and total commitment that exists, always has existed, and will always exist, between Carla and Eddie LeBec.'

[long pause]

Everyone in the Bar:
I am a very stupid person.

Sam Malone:
[about the organizers changing the Miss Boston Barmaid contest to a skills based contest rather than chest size contest] The whole contest has gone to hell. I mean, believe me, I really presented my case to the contest committee. Look, I made a graph, here, look at this.

[Sam holds up a line graph, the points which are pretty consistently high except for one very low point]

Sam Malone:
Now these are the bust measurements of all the winners since 1976, and almost to a woman, they're over a thirty-eight.

Woody Boyd:
What's this one that dips way down here?

Sam Malone:
Ah, that's the year Diane won.

Woody Boyd:
Carla, are you going to try out for this contest?

Carla Tortelli-LeBec:
I don't think so.

Woody Boyd:
You heard Sam. It's not about looks this year.

[unprovoked, Carla pushes Cliff off his bar stool]

Cliff Clavin:
What did you do that for?

Carla Tortelli-LeBec:
It's nothing personal. Just letting off steam.

Cliff Clavin:
Why didn't you push Norm off his stool?

Carla Tortelli-LeBec:
You don't know much about physics, do you?

Carla Tortelli-LeBec:
Norm, I got to ask you a question.

Norm Peterson:
All right.

Carla Tortelli-LeBec:
Over the years, I've been pretty bad to Clavin. I've done some things that maybe I shouldn't have: called him names, punctured his tires, set fire to his hair...

Norm Peterson:
What's your question?

Carla Tortelli-LeBec:
Do you think he noticed?

Woody Boyd:
Boy, that Carla sure is smart, buttering up to Mr. Clavin so she'll win. I wish I had those smarts when I was doing the county fair circuit with my hog, Mirabelle. Rule number one: you gotta schmooze. You gotta go to the right parties, you gotta sell out. I wouldn't, so I brought Mirabelle home a loser. Broke my heart.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
How was Mirabelle?

Woody Boyd:
Not bad with applesauce.

Norm Peterson:
[after his paint gun explodes, covering Sam's office and everything in it with white paint] Relax. It dries much lighter.

Diane Chambers:
Do you believe in intuition?

Woody Boyd:
No, but I have the strange feeling that someday I will.

Sam Malone:
Do I look like a guy who is about to do something stupid?

Carla Tortelli:
Always.

Diane Chambers:
What's wrong?

Sam Malone:
I just had a flash that I got the electric chair for killing you.

Diane Chambers:
Well that's silly. Massachussetts doesn't have the death penalty.

Sam Malone:
What?

Sam Malone:
[about Diane] You mean I have to propose to her to keep from going to jail, where I wouldn't be going in the first place if she had said 'yes' to any one of my three proposals?

Judge William E. Grey:
That's a very ironic way of putting it.

Sam Malone:
[to Diane about their proposal history] You want me to propose to you - I propose to you. You say 'no', I say 'fine, I never want to see you again'. You drive me nuts telling me you want me to propose to again, I do, you turn me down. Next thing I know, I'm in a court of law where I've got to propose to you or I'll go to jail. It's the classic American love story.

[Sam is dreaming he is on death row for killing Diane]

Sam Malone:
Father, do you really believe in the afterlife?

Priest:
Yes, my son, I do.

Sam Malone:
Oh, good.

Sam Malone:
[about Diane] Maybe I can find her there, and get her again.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Diane, I've got the most exciting news. It just couldn't wait.

Diane Chambers:
What is it? You're positively tingling.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Come and sit down. I have been awarded an honor that surpasses anything that I could have hoped to have achieved at this point in my career, it goes beyond even my most wild and ambitious dreams.

Cliff Clavin:
Hey, hey, Doc, what are we talking here, a Nobel Prize, huh?

Dr. Frasier Crane:
No, we're not talking Nobel Prize.

Norm Peterson:
What, Pulitzer? Come on.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
No, I didn't win the Pulitzer Prize.

Diane Chambers:
Oh, a Guggenheim Fellowship.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
No, it's not a Guggenheim Fellowship.

Cliff Clavin:
Oh, what did you win, a canned ham? You lost all the big ones.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Diane and I are going to Europe.

Sam Malone:
Europe? Overseas?

Diane Chambers:
Well, we were going to go to the local one, but it's all booked up.

Sam Malone:
[about Diane and Frasier's impending trip to Europe] I mean, after all, just because the two of us didn't travel well...

Diane Chambers:
When did we ever travel?

Sam Malone:
Are you kidding me? We went through hell together.

Diane Chambers:
Ah, yes. Well, it helped that you knew the language.

Carla Tortelli:
You know, this morning I was thinking I'm not married, I'm carrying my sixth kid, I'm broke, I live in squalor. I'm having a crisis of faith.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso:
Oh, come on, Carla, don't talk like that.

Carla Tortelli:
Well, would a just God be putting me through this, Coach?

Cliff Clavin:
Well, Carla, I know it looks sort of bleak out there. But, uh, you just have to have patience. Remember Job.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso:
Cliffie's right, honey. You got a good "jobe" here. You're in great health.

Carla Tortelli:
I don't know.

[Carla walks away]

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso:
Cliff, I didn't want to embarrass you in front of Carla, but you pronounce the word "job".

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso:
Carla, what are you looking for, a sign from God? Religious belief is based on faith.

Carla Tortelli:
Yeah, well, I never thought I'd say this, Coach, but I think I've lost faith.

Sam Malone:
[entering from his office] Hey, listen up, everybody. I have an announcement to make. Diane here is leaving for Europe, and she's... she's not going to be back to Cheers ever.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso:
Aww...

[Carla falls to her knees and clasps her hands together]

Carla Tortelli:
[singing] I believe, for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. I believe that somewhere in the darkest night, a candle glows.

Norm Peterson:
[about an argument between Frasier and Lilith] So, uh, what kind of punishment are you getting?

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Oh, I'm not getting any.

Norm Peterson:
Oh, you're getting off easy.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
No, I'm not *getting* any.

Norm Peterson:
No, *you're* getting off *easy*.

[Frasier and Lilith are talking about their sex life, which Frasier now sees as non-existent since Lilith is withholding it]

Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane:
Oh, for goodness sakes Frasier, we've been intimate several times this last month. Look at my day planner. We were together every night this weekend.

Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane:
[looks in her day planner] Oh, good heavens, that wasn't you.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
What do you mean it wasn't me?

Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane:
I'm kidding. See? Look how tense you are. You wouldn't enjoy it anyway.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Well, fine. I don't want it anyway.

Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane:
You do too.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
I do not.

Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane:
Do so.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
All right, I do.

Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane:
Well, you're not getting any. Oh, Frasier, isn't it enough that I'm doing it to your mind?

Carla Tortelli-LeBec:
That's no reason for you to be a cheater.

Sam Malone:
But you're the one who told me to cheat.

Carla Tortelli-LeBec:
No, I said to kill her. Cheating's wrong.

Woody Boyd:
Mom finally sent out Grandma Meg's pressure cooker, so last night I whipped up a batch of chili.

Norm Peterson:
Oh!

Woody Boyd:
Do you want to try some?

Carla Tortelli-LeBec, Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane, Cliff Clavin, Norm Peterson, Dr. Frasier Crane, Pete:
Oh yeah. Sure.

Woody Boyd:
From an old family recipe.

Pete:
Your Grandma's?

Woody Boyd:
Nah, this old family that lived down the road.

Cliff Clavin:
[about his role in the US Postal Service] I'm only one link in this chain - a strong link, a vital link.

Carla Tortelli:
A missing link.

[Woody and Norm are having dinner at the Hungry Heifer]

Corinne:
What can I get you, Norm?

Norm Peterson:
The Feeding Frenzy Special for Two.

Corinne:
How about you, honey?

Woody Boyd:
Well, I think he was ordering for both of us.

Norm Peterson:
No.

[Diane has just shown her edited version of Sam's home movie. It's awful]

Diane Chambers:
[about why she gave herself the only end credit in the movie] It's just that I felt I transformed your film into a personal statement that was pure Diane Chambers.

Carla Tortelli:
It was pure something.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
[after a video shot in Frasier's high-rise office shows a man jumping to his death, visible through the window] I've got to tell Dr. Judd to keep his windows closed during his depression seminars.

Everyone at the Hungry Heifer:
Norm!

Woody Boyd:
I landed a part in our children theater's production of "The Story of Snow". I play the King of the Flakes.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Oh joy. Christmas Eve. By this time tomorrow, millions of Americans, knee deep in tinsel and wrapping paper, will utter those heartfelt words, "Is this all I got?"

[the people at Cheers have just found out that Norm has been working this Christmas season as a department store Santa Claus]

Norm Peterson:
I guess I'm busted. 'k, I didn't mention anything to you guys because I thought that you guys might just razz me a little bit for being a Santa Claus over at Nagel's.

Carla LeBec:
That was you?

Norm Peterson:
Um hm.

Carla LeBec:
That's what my kid meant when she says that Santa smells like the place where Mommy works.

Woody Boyd:
[the telephone at the bar rings and Woody picks it up] Cheers. [pauses to listen] Yes ma'am, right away.

Woody Boyd:
[to Carla] There's some lady screaming her head off.

Carla Tortelli:
What she want?

Woody Boyd:
I don't know. All I can make out was two-timing.

Carla Tortelli:
[yells] Sam. Telephone.

Carla Tortelli:
Woody, listen up and learn something.

Sam Malone:
[Woody hands the telephone to Sam] Sammy here.

Sam Malone:
Oh, hey, I thought you'd like those flowers.

Sam Malone:
Yeah, no, no, that sounds like my note, "Thanks for a wonderful evening Barbara, I had a great time."

Sam Malone:
Well of course I know your name's Karen.

Sam Malone:
Ah, you know, I see your mistake here. You see, you didn't realize that to me Barbara means Karen.

Sam Malone:
Well, because, because, ah, because Barbara reminds me of Barbra Streisand, and you know that song about people.

Sam Malone:
Well, I am getting to it. Um, you know the line "first be a person who needs people"? Well, who was the first person?

Sam Malone:
Well, all right, no, no, the first female person was Eve. And who's the most famous Eve of all but Christmas Eve, right?

Sam Malone:
Yeah, what do you do on Christmas Eve but you go carolin', right?

Sam Malone:
No, I know, I know your name's not Caroline. But after you go carolin', what you do is you 'karen' in the gifts.

Sam Malone:
Yeah, yeah, well, apology accepted, sweetheart. Talk to you in a bit.

Diane Chambers:
Sam, look at all the people who've fallen hopelessly in love with me with only the slightest encouragement: you, Frasier...

Sam Malone:
Yourself.

Diane Chambers:
[about The Coach's best friend] Scum. Making a play for his best friend's wife. Well, that's something that even you wouldn't do.

Sam Malone:
Well, thank you for that, Diane. I can't take all the credit for that because most of my friend's wives are real uggos.

Tom:
Let's hang him in effigy.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso:
To hell with that. Let's hang him right here in Boston.

Carla Tortelli:
That St. Mathias is a great school. I've had two kids thrown out of there.

Sam Malone:
[Norm enters the bar to his usual call of greeting] What's up, Norm?

Norm Peterson:
My nipples. It's freezing out there.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso:
Normie, Normie, how did you propose to Vera?

Norm Peterson:
Well, I ah, you know something? I don't think I did. Do you think there could be a loophole in this terrible tragedy?

Cliff Clavin:
No, not if you consumated it.

Norm Peterson:
Egad, why couldn't we have had this conversation yesterday?!

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso:
What I want to say is... uh wait a minute. [pulls a piece of paper out of his breast pocket and starts to read]

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso:
Irene, I'm not a rich man, I'm not a young man, I'm not a handsome man, I'm not a tall man, I'm not a strong man, I'm not a talented man, I'm not a well travelled man, I'm not a smart man, I'm not a milk man, I'm not a fat man, I'm not a gingerbread man, I'm not a...

Irene Blanchard:
What are you trying to say?

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso:
Ah, I don't need a piece of paper to tell you what my feelings are. [crumples up the paper and throws it on the floor]

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso:
Irene, uh. Well, maybe I do. [picks up the paper and uncrumples it and starts to read]

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso:
Uh, ah, Irene, I'm not a rich man, I'm not a young man...

Sam Malone:
Oh, Carla, boy I hate to criticize, but I can't actually believe you read these sleazy scandal sheets?! I mean, look at this. I'm even above this. "Bigfoot Stole My Wife". "Have Aliens Taken Over Your Pet?" I mean, this is garbage.

Carla Tortelli:
For your information Sam, I don't read those articles. I think they're just as stupid as you do. I get it because they happen to have a great crossword puzzle.

Carla Tortelli:
[sits and starts working the the puzzle] OK, let's see. 7-across, "Five-headed cow born in Vermont".

[pauses]

Carla Tortelli:
Maybelle.

[starts writing]

Carla Tortelli:
16-across, "State with the most UFO babies". Arkansas.

[writes]

Sam Malone:
[mutters incredulously] I don't believe this.

Carla Tortelli:
32-across, "Aphrodisiac found in every kitchen cabinet".

[Sam secretly starts showing some interest, but still feigns disinterest]

Carla Tortelli:
Uh, I don't know what that one is. Let me see what 14-down is. "Where Franco's brain is being kept alive". Fishtank. OK, so, the fifth letter of the aphrodisiac is an A. Now I remember: oregano.

Sam Malone:
[Sam secretly grabs a napkin and pen, and starts scribbling "oregano"] Trash.

Sam Malone:
Hey, Diane. Surprise [holds up a brown paper bag] Found something else of yours lying around my place. [pulls out a garrish looking red and black teddy from the bag and holds it up to Diane] Remember this?

Diane Chambers:
Good Lord. Is that for wearing or for signalling aircraft?!

Sam Malone:
Well, this is your teddy isn't it?

Diane Chambers:
I don't know which of your mindless bimbi left that in your apartment. If she paid money for it, she should be seen to and chemically altered.

Sam Malone:
Hey, what, what, you don't like the color?

Diane Chambers:
What made you think that was mine?

Sam Malone:
Well, you're the only person I know that shops at those fancy French places. [shows Diane the teddy's label]

Diane Chambers:
"The House of Ooh-La-La". Get it away from me. It's horrendous.

Carla Tortelli:
[walks in and sees the teddy. picks it up. gushes.] Wow! This is lovely.

Sam Malone:
Do you want it?

Carla Tortelli:
Me? Oh, I can't take this Sam.

Sam Malone:
Oh, no, please.

Carla Tortelli:
God, Thanks. [gushes] Ah. From "The House of Ooh-La-La".

Carla Tortelli-LeBec:
Buy yourself a melon in case you misplace your head.

John Allen Hill:
Thank you. Tell me Carla, clinically speaking, are you considered a dwarf or a midget?

Carla Tortelli-LeBec:
Say, is that your head, or is your neck blowing a bubble?

John Allen Hill:
Somebody phone the authorities in Paris. A gargoyle has just fallen off Notre Dame and is now taking drink orders.

Carla Tortelli-LeBec:
You know, two heads like that would make a perfectly good butt.

John Allen Hill:
Shrike.

Carla Tortelli-LeBec:
Bullet-head.

John Allen Hill:
Slattern.

Carla Tortelli-LeBec:
Hatchet-face.

John Allen Hill:
[in a friendly tone after he looks at his watch] Well, must be off. Till next Monday.

Carla Tortelli-LeBec:
[to Norm and Cliff, admiringly about Hill] He's good people.

Sam Malone:
[about $25,000 Rebecca says she has] Where are you going to get that kind of money?

Rebecca Howe:
I have a degree, I'm a businesswoman, I just spent the last ten years in a major corporation my daddy is giving it to me.

Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane:
[to Rebecca] Why do you want Cheers? I would think, for you, this bar would only have negative associations connected with it. Well, think of all the heartbreak you've had here, the forgotten goals, the missed opportunities...

Norm Peterson:
Hey, it's called atmosphere, babe.

Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane:
I would would think, for you, this place would have the stench of failure.

Carla Tortelli-LeBec:
No, that's Clavin. And FYI, it's not just failure.

Rebecca Howe:
You know, actually Lilith, I had more productive, successful times at Cheers than I've had any other place in my life.

Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane:
[in shock] Oh, Dear God!

Norm:
[about Cliff] Frasier, straighten him out, OK. What happens to old, dead skin?

Frasier:
Apparently, it sits on bar stools and drinks beer all day.

Sam:
You can't get into the main computer without Rebecca's secret password. You know that.

Carla:
Yeah, well, I'm trying to figure out what the password is.

Norm:
Well, it's usually something personal.

Sam:
How about loser.

Carla:
Tried it.

Norm:
Ah, flunky?

Carla:
Tried it.

Woody:
How about hardworkingyoungwomanwhonevergetstherecognitionshedeserves.

Carla:
It's too many letters.

Woody:
How about screwup.

Rebecca:
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute you guys. Let's not jump to any wild conclusions here. Let's just look at the facts. Now, all we really know is that Robin is using my secret password to break into my corporation's confidential files, and from the date on these, well it looks like he's been doing it since, well since the day after we first slept together. So all I think we can conclude by this is...

Rebecca:
[cries out]... I am too stupid to live.

[the guys are talking about the hardest wood to cut through]

Cliff:
Hey Doc, what do you think the toughest thing to cut through is?

Frasier:
Your unending bull.

Rebecca:
[about Robin] Would it be so terrible if I didn't turn him in? What would happen?

Sam:
I'll tell you, he would go to jail and you would go to jail too.

Rebecca:
I know, I know. Any chance we'd go to the same jail?

Sam:
Honey, how much you going to take before you realize this guy is no good for you.

Rebecca:
I don't know, I don't know Sam. How much does it take when you're in love with someone. You know, I heard stories about you and that Diane girl. You put up with her for five years - five years - what about that?

Sam:
Sweetheart, if I could have sent her to prison, don't you think I would have?

Jim Montgomery:
[about Rebecca] You might also tell her that we're deeply concerned about her behavior.

Sam:
Why's that?

Jim Montgomery:
After she called this emergency meeting of the Board of Directors, we did a little research on Miss Howe, just to remind ourselves who she was. Turns out... she works for us. How about that!

Frasier:
Well, it's always good to see justice done, but I have to tell you, I hate to think of that poor man in prison. Those wretched places are filled with the worst degenerates, the most worthless dirty scum ever on this planet.

Norm:
Frase, why would you say that?

Frasier:
Well, I was a prison counselor. You know, very often, I was their only friend.

Robin:
[to Rebecca] I must run. I have a meeting with counsel to discuss my defense strategy. Can't have you be the bride of a convict.

Frasier:
If he goes to jail, he'll be the bride of a convict. The social life of those people is shocking.

Rebecca:
Have you ever thought about what it would be like to be without Vera for twenty years?

Norm:
Oh my God.

Rebecca:
You see. You'd miss Vera.

Norm:
Oh, I thought you said beer.

Jim Montgomery:
[talking for the Lillian Corporation Board of Directors] We know you've been trying to buy back this bar for some time now, and we've decided as a token of our gratitude, the least we can do is sell it to you at a reduced price.

Sam Malone:
You're kidding. How much?

Jim Montgomery:
One dollar. Take it or leave it.

Sam Malone:
This bar? I give you a dollar and this bar is mine?

Jim Montgomery:
That's right, Mr. Malone. Nice catch.

Sam Malone:
I can't believe this, this bar is mine, all I have to do is give you a doll...

[Sam looks into his empty wallet]

Sam Malone:
Oh, sh, shoot, shoot...

Sam Malone:
[to Norm and Frasier] Hey, give me a dollar, huh.

Norm Peterson:
I'm all tapped out, Sam.

[Frasier shrugs]

Sam Malone:
Hey, anybody, pl... Hey Woody, give me a dollar, man.

Woody Boyd:
Hey, you already owe me a dollar, Sam.

Carla LeBec:
Sam, I got a quarter.

Cliff Clavin:
Oh, hey Sammy, here's a dime.

Pete:
Here's four bits.

Sam Malone:
Right. I, uh, OK I got eighty-five cents here.

Jim Montgomery:
I'll take it.

Sam Malone:
Hey, guys. I low-balled him.

Sam Malone:
[caressing the bar after he'd bought it back] My bar... my glasses, my taps...

Sam Malone:
[a beautiful woman walks by, Sam gasps] My, my, my...

Rebecca Howe:
Everybody, I want you to meet my father. You can just call him Brig - that's his nickname. They call him Brig because he put so many sailors in jail.

Carla Tortelli-LeBec:
Then why don't they call me Brig?

Kelly Boyd:
Well, Mr. No-Wife-of-Mine-Will-Have-Her-Family-Buy-Us-a-House-Even-If-We-Have-to-Live-Like-Peasants Boyd, if you insist, then I guess I have no choice.

Woody Boyd:
First, that's not my name.

Sam Malone:
You can't, you're not just going to pack up and go live in San Diego?

Rebecca Howe:
[about her father] Why not? Who am I kidding. You heard him. I'm just a failure here in Boston.

Carla Tortelli-LeBec:
Oh sure, I say it five years ago and get yelled at.

[Norm is trying to get Captain Howe to buy him a beer]

Norm Peterson:
Sir, did I ever tell you that I was in the Coast Guard?

Navy Captain Franklin Howe:
The Coast Guard, huh? Well, you must be very proud, Miss.

Norm Peterson:
So, buy a girl a drink?

Navy Captain Franklin Howe:
[watching the television] As a man who has thirty years of naval experience, I can say at all confidence that if that crew got together and shot Gilligan, they'd have been off that island in a week. Problem solved.

Diane:
All my life I wanted to dance so badly!

Norm:
Looks like you got your wish.

Diane:
[to the dance coaches at Boston Ballet] I have a dream. To be a dancer. And for it to become true, you must see me dance. Oh yes, my technique is not quite as polished as it should be, but is that all there is to art, mere technique? Or is it not the passion and emotion and pain that lie deep with our souls, for I have that emotion. I have felt that pain. I am a feeling person, and I can communicate those feelings to you through dance. So judge me not by what my arms and legs are doing, judge me by what I make you feel. Or most importantly, judge me. I must dance, damnit, I must!

Woody Boyd:
So, what rock groups do you like Bonnie?

Bonnie:
I like The Thompson Twins, Tears for Fears, U2.

Woody Boyd:
Oh, I love U2.

Sam Malone:
Yeah, we look great together, don't we?

Diane Chambers:
[about Sam's very young date, Bonnie] Pretty girl, Sam.

Sam Malone:
Yeah, thank you.

Diane Chambers:
Be careful she doesn't lose a baby tooth giving you a hickey.

Diane Chambers:
Does Sam's behavior give you pause? Me thinks the man doth protest too much.

Woody Boyd:
Excuse me Miss Chambers, but shouldn't it be 'I thinks'?

Carla Tortelli:
Not in your case, Woody.

Carla Tortelli:
Let me tell you something, Sammy. When you're eighty-seven, you'll still be a hunk to me. Of course, I'll be senile and blind.

Sam Malone:
And pregnant.

Carla Tortelli:
Yeah, probably.

[Sam is putting the moves on Diane while Diane is giving Sam a pep talk on aging]

Diane Chambers:
[smiling] Oh, Sam, this is wonderful. An old person wouldn't be doing this. This is the act of a vital, strong, young man. Who wants a woman. Who wants sex. [Sam gets too close] Who won't GET it...

Gloria LeBec:
I want to talk to you.

Carla LeBec:
Yeah? I want to scratch you bald, paint your butt blue and mail you to Guam.

Gloria LeBec:
I'd like to see you try.

Norm Peterson:
Yeah, I'd like to see that too actually.

Gloria LeBec:
[to Carla] I was at a little disadvantage at the funeral. You had your friends and family around. You had fistfuls of my hair in your hands.

Carla LeBec:
I bet the only reason he married you was because he knocked you up.

Gloria LeBec:
How do you know that?

Carla LeBec:
Babe's intuition.

Gloria LeBec:
Yeah? Well, maybe that's the same reason he married you.

Carla LeBec:
Yeah, but with me, it wasn't a cheap thrill. It was a very tender moment in the back of a Datsun hatchback.

Gloria LeBec:
[raises her hand] Toyota Corolla. Front seat.

Cliff Clavin:
All right ladies, ladies, let's stop right now, huh? Uh, all this talk about conceiving your children in these cars. This makes me sick. Doesn't anybody buy American anymore?

Sam Malone:
[reads a letter from the deceased Eddie to Carla] "Dear Carla. I hope you never have to read this because if you do, it means I'm dead. How are you, hey? I've done a terrible thing. I had to marry another woman. I didn't want to, but I made her pregnant. Oh, I guess I did two terrible things. Anyway, I just want you to know I'm sorry. You will always be the love of my life, even in death. Stay loose. Love, Eddie."

Diane Chambers:
This may sound frivolous, but every woman wants to keep the box that her engagement ring came in. I already have space reserved for it in my memento drawer, right between my French Club pin and my retainer.

Diane Chambers:
Oh Sam, what did the doctor say?

Sam Malone:
Same thing he always does: "Wow".

Sam Malone:
Hey, where's this relief waitress you hired?

Woody Boyd:
Oh, don't worry, Sam. She's a great waitress, a complete professional.

Sam Malone:
Oh, how come she's not here?

Woody Boyd:
Well, she called and said she'd be about twenty minutes late. She wants to get in all her breaks before she starts.

Norm Peterson:
Uh, pardon me, am I mistaken, but did you use to work at the Hungry Heifer?

Corinne:
Sure, I worked there.

Norm Peterson:
Yeah?

Corinne:
Say, I know you. The girls there had a pet name for you.

Norm Peterson:
What was that?

Corinne:
That guy who comes back.

Dennis Kaufman:
So, are we still on for Saturday night?

Diane Chambers:
Ummm, next Saturday would be impossible.

Dennis Kaufman:
You don't want to go out with me again, do you?

Diane Chambers:
I didn't say that, Dennis. You're putting words in my mouth.

Dennis Kaufman:
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.

Diane Chambers:
No no, they're the right words.

Carla Tortelli:
Yeah, well count me out. You know, every time we had a family gathering, they always tried to get me interested in opera. I just couldn't stand it. Just a bunch of fat, lonely people screeching and trying to stab each other.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Carla, you know, not all operas are like that.

Carla Tortelli:
I was talking about the family gathering.

Cliff Clavin:
Man, will you get a load of the warheads on that cellist!

Phil Ryan:
[walks into the bar toward Coach] Hello.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso:
Oh, hi. What can I get you?

Phil Ryan:
I'm a phone company repairman.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso:
[sticks out his hand to shake Phil's] Oh, I'm a bartender, Ernie Pantusso. [they shake hands]

Phil Ryan:
Phil Ryan. I got a call to come down here.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso:
Gee, there must be some mistake, Phil. I, I, I didn't call for any repairman.

Carla Tortelli:
I think Sam put in a call, Coach.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso:
He did?

Carla Tortelli:
Uh-huh.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso:
Gee, that's strange. He didn't say anything to me about it. I better give him a call and find out what this is all about. [picks up the phone and starts to dial. finds out the phone isn't working]

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso:
Bum luck, Phil. The phone's out.

[Phil looks at Carla, confused about The Coach]

Carla Tortelli:
[to Phil about The Coach] Give him a couple of seconds.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso:
[long pause] Say, Phil, uh, I hate to impose on you but since they got you down here on this wild goose chase, would you mind taking a look at the phone?

Phil Ryan:
Sure.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso:
Thank you.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso:
[to Carla quietly] Lucky thing he happened by here, huh Carla?

Carla Tortelli:
Sometimes fate takes a hand, Coach.

Diane Chambers:
I'm having dinner upstairs with Frasier and his mother. She's a seafood aficionado. I think she'll like the bouillabaisse at Melville's.

Sam Malone:
You're having dinner with Frasier's mother?

Diane Chambers:
You actually deduced I'm having dinner with Frasier and his mother when all I did was say it in your presence. No flash cards, no crib notes on your sleeve - uncanny.

Hester Rose Crane:
[about Diane] I understand you used to date that woman. I want to know how much you charge to start things up again. [starts writing out a cheque]

Sam Malone:
You don't have enough money.

Hester Rose Crane:
How would you know?

Sam Malone:
There isn't enough money.

Hester Rose Crane:
I know what you mean. [rips up the cheque]

Sam Malone:
No, I don't think you do.

Hester Rose Crane:
I think I do.

Sam Malone:
Oh, no.

Hester Rose Crane:
Oh, yes.

Sam Malone:
Oh, no...

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso:
What would you say to a nice beer, Norm?

Norm Peterson:
"Going down?"

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso:
What's up, Norm?

Norm Peterson:
Everything that's supposed to be.

Diane Chambers:
Sam. Frasier and I have something important to tell you.

Frasier Crane:
Sam, this may be rough going. I mean, despite your vehement protests to the contrary, and with no intention of disparaging your sincerity, but Diane and I believe that you may still be suffering some emotional residue from the turbulent relationship you had with Diane.

Sam Malone:
I'm sorry Frasier. I must have dozed off for a paragraph or two.

Sam Malone:
I had a puppy once. My ex-wife took her. The little b*tch. About this high.

Frasier Crane:
[about his dog, who Sam now owns] So, Sam, listen, fill me in. I'm hungry for news about little Pavlov.

Sam Malone:
[a slight pause] Pavlov? Oh, you must mean little Diane.

Frasier Crane:
I beg your pardon?

Sam Malone:
Yeah, I renamed the puppy "Diane". I figured you wouldn't mind. I mean it's my puppy now. Yeah, oh boy, I tell you, it's so wonderful. I come home, she gives me a little trouble, I swat her on the rear end, I say, "Shut up, Diane", and she does. It's heaven.

Frasier Crane:
Sam, I have to be honest with you. Changing the dog's name hurts me a little. Don't you think two "Diane"'s will be a little confusing?

Sam Malone:
Well, maybe you're right. I hadn't thought of that. Well, we'll just have to call your girlfriend "Pavlov".

Norm Peterson:
Sammy, Frasier walks out of here with Diane, and you get to go home to a dog.

Sam Malone:
Yeah. Somebody up there likes me.

Woody Boyd:
You know, I used to be afraid of the dark, but I got myself over it.

Sam Malone:
Oh yeah, how did you do that?

Woody Boyd:
Oh well, I just shut my eyes, and pretended it wasn't there.

Sam Malone:
[Norm enters the bar out of a torrential rainstorm] Still pouring?

Norm Peterson:
Funny, I was about to ask you the same thing.

[the bar's power gets knocked out during a thunderstorm]

Norm Peterson:
Just keep calm, all right? I mean, uh, no reason to panic here. Sammy, those taps operate when the power's out, don't they?

Carla Tortelli:
[enthusiastically about Diane's date] Quite a catch.

Diane Chambers:
Thank you.

Carla Tortelli:
So's a large mouth bass.

Diane Chambers:
Walter happens to be a distinguished geneticist.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso:
Oh, he studies Jeanettes.

[Sam and Diane are arguing about their choices of dates]

Sam Malone:
At least my dates don't count the number of letters in sentences.

Diane Chambers:
Your dates can't form sentences.

Norm Peterson:
Ah, Sammy, watching you getting ready for a date is like watching a great matador prepare for a bullfight.

Cliff Clavin:
I hate that stuff. You know, who wants to see a guy go and manipulate and torment a poor, unthinking creature like that?

Sam Malone:
Hey, I always buy 'em breakfast, don't I?

[Diane and Andy are preparing to go on a blind date]

Diane Chambers:
[to Sam] Andy Andy and I will have fun fun.

Diane Chambers:
So, uh, what do you think, Andy, how does Italian food sound, huh? Oh boy, I've been hungry for Italian food all day.

Andy Schroeder:
Anywhere but Villa Milano. That's bad memories for me. I killed a waitress there.

[Diane shudders in horror]

Andy Schroeder:
[looking at his hand] Do you ever dream that you have claws?

Sam Malone:
[about Andy, the blind date Sam found for Diane] The truth is, I never saw the guy before in my life. I met him in the back room and I paid him to go out with you.

Diane Chambers:
You hired a murderer to take me out for the evening.

Sam Malone:
Well, it's kind of funny when you put it that way.

Diane Chambers:
Sam, if you'll admit that you are carrying a little torch for me, I'll admit that I'm carrying a little one for you.

Sam Malone:
[tentatively] Well, I am carrying a little torch for you.

Diane Chambers:
Well, I'm not carrying one for you.

[Sam and Diane are arguing loudly in the bar]

Norm Peterson:
Please, please. Do you think I behave like this in your home?

[Diane and Walter have just returned to the bar after a weekend-long date]

Walter Franklin:
[to Diane] Why don't you introduce me to your co-workers. I'm sure they'd get a bang out of this.

Diane Chambers:
[obviously embarrassed] Oh, I don't really think that...

[Sam approaches Diane and Walter]

Diane Chambers:
Oh, hello, Sam. Walter Franklin, Sam Malone.

Sam Malone:
[as the two men shake hands] How do you do.

Walter Franklin:
Ten.

Diane Chambers:
[in answer to Sam's confused look about what Walter just said] Uh, he's able to tell you instantly how many letters there are in any sentence you say.

Walter Franklin:
Sixty-six.

Sam Malone:
That's quite a gift.

Walter Franklin:
Fifteen. Been at it all weekend.

Sam Malone:
How many days did it seem like?

Walter Franklin:
Twenty-four.

Diane Chambers:
Listen, Walter, I have to go to work now. Thanks again for a lovely weekend.

Walter Franklin:
Two sentences, thirty and twenty-eight.

Diane Chambers:
Stop doing that Walter.

Walter Franklin:
Nineteen.

Diane Chambers:
[immediately and angrily] I mean it!

Walter Franklin:
Seven. Really, that's enough of this now. I better get going. Goodbye, Diane. Nice seeing you, Sam.

Sam Malone:
Yeah.

Walter Franklin:
Four.

Sam Malone:
By the way, Walter...

Walter Franklin:
Fourteen. Ah, yes, Sam, what is it?

Sam Malone:
How was Diane on a scale of a hundred?

Walter Franklin:
Twenty-nine.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso:
Beer, Norm?

Norm Peterson:
That's that sudsy amber stuff, right?

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso:
Yeah.

Norm Peterson:
Yeah, I've being hearing good things about it.

Sam Malone:
[reading Norm's self-written resume] "Norm Peterson: thought-provoking, poignant, hilarious, a roller coaster of emotions. If you hire only one accountant this year, make it Norm Peterson!" What is this?

Cliff Clavin:
He had the paper open to the movie section, Sam.

[Carla catches Sam and Diane in a lie in not babysitting for her]

Carla Tortelli:
[to Sam, angrily] So, you and Diane have 'this thing Wednesday night', huh? Why don't you just come out and say it: you don't want to spend an evening alone with my kids.

Sam Malone, Diane Chambers:
We don't want to spend an evening alone with your kids.

Carla Tortelli:
Neither do I.

Diane Chambers:
Our relationship was a two-way street.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Yes, and I was run over in both directions.

Dr. Lilith Sternin:
[after Frasier and Lilith each dip and eat a potato chip] So Frasier, was it good for you, too?

Dr. Frasier Crane:
[after locking Lilith and Diane in the bathroom] You know, I don't think I can stand all this caterwauling. What do you say we go upstairs? I've got all thirteen episodes of "I, Claudius" on tape.

Sam Malone:
Great. I love gladiator flicks.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
[after Lillith has locked herself in the bathroom, Sam and Diane arrive and ask of her whereabouts] Oh, she's around somewhere. [Calling out to Lillith in the bathroom] Peach Blossom: don't make yourself too beautiful, I can hardly stand to look at you now!

[Andy Schroeder, the murderer who once dated Diane, comes into the bar with dynamite strapped to his body]

Rebecca Howe:
[gasps in fright as she sees Andy] Oh my God.

Norm Peterson:
Hey, it's Andy Andy.

Rebecca Howe:
What, you know this person?

Cliff Clavin:
[matter of factly] Yeah. Former major felon. Once killed a waitress.

Andy Schroeder:
[yells] Where's Diane. I demand to see Diane.

Woody Boyd:
Well, Miss Chambers hasn't worked here in five or six years.

Andy Schroeder:
[surprised] Oh, really? Well... OK.

[Andy walks out of the bar as plainly as he came in]

Rebecca Howe:
Guess what I kept on seeing when I was driving into work just now?

Carla Tortelli-LeBec:
The middle finger of every driver in Boston?

[Frasier walks out of the men's room, where he was helping Cliff]

Sam Malone:
[about Cliff] Oh, how's he doing there, Frasier?

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Oh, better, I think. Carla volunteered to bathe his face with cold water and he was doing fine until the seat came down on his head.

Cliff Clavin:
I didn't tell you guys 'cause I didn't want you to think any less of me.

Norm Peterson:
I don't think that's possible, Cliff.

Sy Flembeck:
Alright. The Cheers theme by Sy Flembeck. Beer and pretzels that's our game, C-H-E-R-S. If you don't come here that's a shame, C-H-E-R-S. With a C-C here and a C-C there...

Rebecca Howe:
Whoa whoa whoa wait wait wait! What are you doing that's all wrong! First of all, "Cheers" is spelled with 2 E's. Second I paid you a lot of money to come up with an original tune.

Sy Flembeck:
You don't need an original tune, you want something that will bore a hole through the public's little pea-brains.

Rebecca Howe:
You are all hype and no substance. I was mesmerized by your show-business savvy. You couldn't write a jingle to save your life.

Sy Flembeck:
Hey babe come on, wait, wait a minute, wait a minute, what is it? Huh, what, what, what? The "Old MacDonald" melody? Hey I can change that! Sy Flembeck is nothing if he's not versatile. Alright just a second. OK, OK, OK, I got it. Beer and pretzels, that's our game, that's our game, that's our game, beer and pretzels, that's our game, C-H-E-R-S. E-E, E-E!

Rebecca Howe:
Out.

Sy Flembeck:
What's the matter babe? Can't work with a man you're attracted to?

Rebecca Howe:
Oh god, out!

Sy Flembeck:
I'll be home all night, the payphone's just down the hall from my room.

Cliff Clavin:
I guess we were like a pair of lovers that were never meant to be. Like Romeo and Juliet. Rhett and Scarlett. Heathcliff - Cathy.

Woody Boyd:
Heath, Cliff and Cathy - isn't that three people, Mr. Clavin?

Diane Chambers:
I have to come up with a topic for my psychology paper by tonight. I'm at complete loss. Of course, I could churn out your run of the mill essay on sadomasochism, bestiality, bondage and discipline, but I'm looking for something with a little pizzazz.

Carla Tortelli:
[about Diane] Oh Sam, would you please see if you could light a fire under the Stick. She's been goofing off for an hour.

Sam Malone:
Oh yeah?

Carla Tortelli:
Yeah. She's got to write some paper about sex and she can't think of anything to write about.

Sam Malone:
You're kidding me? She's studied for a whole year at Sammy State. [Sam runs over to Diane] Hey there. I hear you're writing a paper on sex. Is there any way I can help out?

Diane Chambers:
Thank you, Sam. This paper is on 'human' sexuality.

Diane Chambers:
[about her first sexual encounter] It was the summer of my nineteenth year. He was a young man in uniform. It was a brief encounter. He left my arms and went to his doom.

Sam Malone:
Oh no, he was killed, huh?

Diane Chambers:
No, no, he went off to boot camp and came back with the most God awful haircut I'd ever seen.

Sam Malone:
[reading the cover page of the paper Diane wrote on his sexual behavior] "The Don Juan Syndrome in Modern Culture - An Analysis of..." [he stumbles on the final word] "... Satyriasis". Oh man, she did it. She even made my sex life boring.

Carla Tortelli:
And not for the first time.

Sam Malone:
[about the paper Diane wrote on his sexual behavior] It makes my life seem so cheap and pathetic.

Diane Chambers:
Sam, you're reading things into this.

Sam Malone:
[points at a page in the paper] Like here where it says, "his life is cheap and pathetic"?

Sam Malone:
[about the paper Diane wrote on his sexual behavior] Everything in here is true, including the part about, I've never had a non-sexual relationship.

Diane Chambers:
Now there. That's a good example of exaggeration. You and I have a non-sexual relationship.

Sam Malone:
How can you say that?

Diane Chambers:
Well, I think the fact that we don't have sex is a major hint.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Congratulate the doctor. I'm doing a piece on the psychological ramifications of Ingmar Bergman's later works for American Film.

Norm Peterson:
Oh, that's great Frase.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
I'd like to read it to you to see if it's still accessible to the layman. May I have your opinion?

Carla LeBec:
Sure: buy a new suit, get a haircut, and stay home.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Thank you, Carla. Now, I call the piece, "Ingmar Bergman: Poet of the Subconscious". The films of Ingmar Bergman...

Norm Peterson:
Boy, who could forget her in 'Casablanca', huh?

Dr. Frasier Crane:
No, no, you're thinking of Ingrid Bergman, I'm talking about Ingmar Bergman.

Woody Boyd:
Ingmar Bergman, the boxer?

Cliff Clavin:
No Woody, you're thinking of Ingemar Johansson.

Sam Malone:
You mean the guy that knocked out Floyd Patterson?

Norm Peterson:
No, no, no, Sonny Liston knocked out Patterson.

Pete:
Who knocked out Johansson?

Norm Peterson:
Patterson.

Steve:
Before Liston?

Norm Peterson:
No, Johansson knocked out Liston.

Cliff Clavin:
Well, who knocked out Patterson?

Woody Boyd:
Was it Ingrid Bergman?

Pete:
Ingrid Bergman...

Dr. Frasier Crane:
[yells] Shut up, shut up! Not one more word. I came in here to discuss Ingmar Bergman, not to start an Abbott and Costello routine.

Norm Peterson:
Actually, I thought it was more like Martin and Lewis.

Sam Malone:
You mean, Joe Louis?

Cliff Clavin:
Oh, he's the one who knocked out Floyd Patterson.

Woody Boyd:
Then who knocked out Lou Costello?

Dr. Frasier Crane:
[exasperated] Apparently Ingrid Bergman.

Woody Boyd:
Boy, she was tougher than she looked.

Sam Malone:
Tony, my hair stylist, was making a left on Boylston and this bus cut him off. The car jumped the curb and he slammed through this hot dog stand and he ended up in a pond in the public gardens. He's in the hospital now with two broken legs. Gotta cancel my hair appointment. I hate it when stuff like that happens to me.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
[to the gang in the bar] Greetings all. I have a brief announcement. You may recall last year I brought in my dysfunctional men's group. Well, unfortunately my low self-esteem group heard about it and now they think they're not good enough.

Rebecca Howe:
You know, when I was a kid, I was the first one in my class to... you know, develop breasts. They teased me the whole year.

Norm Peterson:
Oh, yeah. Me too.

Rebecca Howe:
[Woody leaves the office with a grim look on his face; buzzing sound is audible through the open door] Woody, what was that buzzing?

Woody Boyd:
Sam - the razor.

Rebecca Howe:
But your hair looks the same.

Woody Boyd:
It's the only hair I have left.

Cliff:
That's a little bit too much baseball for me. I'm heading out of here.

Norm:
Not me, Cliffie. I'm a real Red Sox fan. I stay to the very last out.

Sam:
It's closing time, Norm. I can't serve you any more.

Norm:
[getting up to leave] It's not like it's the World Series or anything.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso:
What's the story, Norm?

Norm:
A thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it.

[first lines]

Miss Gilder:
Excuse me, I'm here in response to the ad in the newspaper about Mrs. Tortelli's children.

Cliff:
Oh. What, is she trying to sell them again?

Sam:
Hey, you're in luck here. A genuine Red Sock is on his way over.

Carla Tortelli:
No kidding? Oh, wow.

Sam:
[Carla begins cleaning beer mugs] What are you doing?

Carla Tortelli:
Hey, Sam, I don't want a Boston Red Sock to come in here and get a glass with lipstick on it or crud at the bottom.

[Carla pounds the bartop to wake a barfly up]

Carla Tortelli:
Sit up straight, will ya?

[Carla turns back to Sam]

Carla Tortelli:
So, who is it, huh? Evans? Rice? Who, Yaz?

Sam:
You heard of Rick Walker?

Carla Tortelli:
[spits into the glass she's holding] He can use that one.

Carla Tortelli:
Of all the stinkin', dirty, rotten, maggot-sucking, vermin-infested stinkweeds...

Norm Peterson:
Practicing your Mother of the Year speech again, Carla?

Rebecca Howe:
...I'm not going out with you.

Sam Malone:
Ah, come on... But why?

Rebecca Howe:
Because I'm concentrating on my career.

Sam Malone:
That's fine. But before you make the final decision on this, let's try this. Have sex with me twenty-five times, and if at the end of the night you're still not sure, I won't say another thing.

Rebecca Howe:
No, Sam. Look, I have wasted too much time. I'm not getting any younger, and I've made a decision to only date men who can help my career.

Sam Malone:
You know, they have a name for women like that.

Rebecca Howe:
Yeah: Vice-President.

Dennis:
[to Rebecca, about his boss Martin Teal] He's fair but firm, and hates 'yes men'.

Martin Teal:
Thank you, Dennis.

Dennis:
Yes sir.

Sam Malone:
So, how did your meeting go?

Rebecca Howe:
It was very nice. I met the new boss, Mr. Teal. We exchanged pleasantries. You're no longer the co-manager and have been demoted to just bartender.

Sam Malone:
Demoted? Just like that? What, the company didn't have the courtesy to give me a phone call?

Carla LeBec:
By the way, Sammy, you had a phone call this afternoon. You've been demoted.

Sam Malone:
Why didn't you tell me?

Carla LeBec:
What do I look like, an answering service for bartenders?

Rebecca Howe:
You know, Martin could pick up the phone and get a reservation at any top restaurant in Boston at a moment's notice.

Sam Malone:
Oh, and I can't?

Rebecca Howe:
Well, pick up the phone and get me a reservation at ah... , Chez Maurice.

Sam Malone:
I already said I can't. But I do have an in at Shea Stadium though.

Rebecca Howe:
...it wouldn't be in my best interest to say no.

Sam Malone:
Oh, please. You don't have the guts to say no to this guy.

Rebecca Howe:
That is absolutely not true. I choose to not have the guts to say no to this guy.

Alan:
[about Cliff] Sorry Sam, but you gotta admit it's a little bit weird, isn't it? I mean, he's never been married, I've never even seen him with a woman.

Steve:
Hey Norm, Norm, he's your best friend, is he gay or what?

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso:
I can't believe what I'm hearing. You can't tell a gay guy by his appearance. We had an outfielder on the Red Sox, Duke Roberts. I mean he never got married, he never went with girls, he even wore those fancy Italian shoes, and he lived with a guy who was a florist. And Duke wasn't gay.

Sam Malone:
Yes he was, Coach.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso:
He was? [Sam nods affirmatively] Do you think he'd like to meet Cliffy?

Diane Chambers:
What would you call an evening out with a woman when you have absolutely no hope of physical involvement whatsoever?

Sam Malone:
A first.

Cliff Clavin:
I hear there's a tribe of men in the Middle East called the Eschonites, they're entirely celibate, they live without women. Rumour has it, they are the happiest men in the world. Tomorrow, I'm going to send for their brochure.

[Cliff regales a man in a sheik costume with trivia]

Shiek:
You know, I just remembered. I think I left my oven on.

[He walks away and heads for the exit]

Shiek:
If I hurry, maybe I can stick my head in it.

Tinker Bell:
[after overhearing Cliff talk about the difference between California oranges and Florida oranges] Florida oranges are delicious.

Cliff Clavin:
...what?

Tinker Bell:
[a little embarrassed to have spoken] Nothing, nothing.

Cliff Clavin:
...Uh, have you, uh, been to Florida?

Tinker Bell:
No, but it's always been a crazy dream of mine to go. I hear that they have the world's largest pair of alligator shoes there.

Cliff Clavin:
[shocked] That's right! In Orlando! I even sat in one of 'em!

Tinker Bell:
Wow!

Cliff Clavin:
...W-what's your name?

Tinker Bell:
T-tinkerbell. What's yours?

Cliff Clavin:
Me? Uh, I guess it's Ponce de Leon.

Tinker Bell:
Oh, the 'Fountain of Youth' guy that discovered Florida!

Cliff Clavin:
[over-excited that she knows who he is dressed as!] Would you marry me and bear my children?

Cliff Clavin:
Say, would you to go in the back and maybe, play some pool? Or as they say in Tallahassee, 'shoot some pocket billiards?'

Tinker Bell:
I'd love to, Mr Leon.

Cliff Clavin:
Oh please, call me Ponce.

Tinker Bell:
[taking her beer, and leading the way to the pool room in the back of the bar] It looks like you're out to conquer new territory, Ponce.

Cliff Clavin:
[leaning against the bar after hearing her last words] Holy, God!

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso:
Yeah, Norm, how come you and Vera never had any kids?

Norm Peterson:
I can't, Coach.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso:
Gee, I'm sorry Norm.

Norm Peterson:
I look at Vera, and I just can't.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso:
Diane. Make a toast.

Diane Chambers:
Oh, all right. 'To the baby. With Marshall as the father, it's sure to have brains. With Carla as the mother, it's sure to have... need for them.'

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso:
You know the biggest argument I ever had with my wife was over naming our daughter. She kept insisting, insisting on Lisa, and I wanted to stick with the original name.

Sam Malone:
What was that, Coach?

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso:
Baby Girl Pantusso.

Diane Chambers:
Great. Carla gets a raise for getting pregnant. I wonder what *I* have to do to get a raise out of the boss.

[the gang discovers who the father of Carla's baby is]

Norm Peterson:
Marshall?

Cliff Clavin:
Carla made love to a Ph.D. from MIT?

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso:
[Annoyed] Hey, look, you guys, if you can't say it in front of me don't say it at all.

Diane Chambers:
He was a man I dated a bit in Europe.

Woody Boyd:
Oh, was that before or after you dumped Dr. Crane and sent him into an alcoholic tailspin?

Diane Chambers:
[about her post-Frasier Europe life] I guess for a brief while I was danger's mistress.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Is there anyone who's mistress you weren't?!

Jack Dalton:
[to Diane] My God, you look pale. You folks should have seen her frolicking in the surf in Mykonos. Her little bottom was as brown as a berry.

Carla Tortelli:
The Stick running around buck naked?!

Diane Chambers:
It was a semi-private beach.

Sam Malone:
It used to be a semi-private bottom.

[Sam and Diane are up in a plane without a pilot]

Diane Chambers:
We're going to crash. We're going to die. They'll check out our dental records to identify our remains, and I haven't been to Dr. Overding for as much as a polish in over six months.

Woody Boyd:
Every day at five, this guy comes in and blabbers and blabbers, talks my ear off. I don't know what to do.

Carla Tortelli:
Why don't you do what I do - tell him to shut his fat, ugly mouth.

Woody Boyd:
Oh, no, it's not Mr. Clavin.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Woody, Woody, calm yourself; there's no need for concern. I'm sure he's just a lonely man who wandered in here one day and found a sympathetic ear. Unfortunately, indulging him will only aggravate the problem. You see, people in this situation have a tendency to prattle on endlessly, totally unaware of how others are receiving this unwanted, innocuous information. Now the next time a neurotic personality such as this gets off on one of these jags, just turn your back and walk away. [Everybody walks away from Frasier] Because, you see, the important thing is... just a second, I want to... Oh, you merry band! [laughs]

Diane Chambers:
Jack, what the hell are you doing alive?

Jack Dalton:
Chambers, I saw comfortable and safe and domestic written all over your face tonight, and I couldn't stand it. You needed this. You too, Malone. You needed to step up to the brink. You needed to look into the gaping maw of death and live to tell about it.

Sam Malone:
I'm gonna stick my fist in your gaping maw!

Jack Dalton:
[laughs] No, you won't. You'll live to thank me. From this day forward, you're reborn. Everything in your life's gonna be better.

Sam Malone:
You're crazy!

Jack Dalton:
Food is gonna taste better.

Sam Malone:
I don't care!

Jack Dalton:
Flowers are gonna smell better.

Sam Malone:
You're nuts!

Jack Dalton:
Sex is gonna feel better. [Sam stops talking]

Woody Boyd:
Hey Mr. Peterson. Jack Frost nipping at your nose?

Norm Peterson:
Yeah. Now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver.

Norm Peterson:
Anybody seen Doris around here?

Sam Malone:
Oh, yeah, little gal with a Moe Howard haircut?

Norm Peterson:
Oh, yeah.

Sam Malone:
I thought you got rid of her.

Norm Peterson:
Gee Sammy, I'm trying to. I can't shake the girl. I mean, I come in Cheers, she's here. I go upstairs to go plug the parking meter, she's there. I come back in Cheers, she's here. Sammy, it's like somehow she's figured out my whole routine.

Doris:
[enters the bar] Oh, oh Mr. Peterson. Somehow I knew I'd find you here when you weren't at the parking meter. Could I warm up your seat for you?

Norm Peterson:
It's OK, Doris. It's never cold.

Doris:
[to another customer] I love that about him.

Doris:
Cliff, when you get out of the service, could we go out together?

Cliff Clavin:
Well, ah, you know Doris, there's actually no rule against mailmen dating women. It just sort of turns out that way.

[Sam is reading about Rebecca's new antique desk]

Sam Malone:
"This certificate authenticates that this desk once belonged to George Bernard Shaw. It has become known as 'The Ring Desk' because of the dark ring clearly visible on the desktop where he set down his teacup upon completing the fifth act of 'The Man and Superman'." I wonder if that's the one where he fought the Mole People?

Kelly Boyd:
Don't play dumb with me, Miss Howe. I invented it.

Carla Tortelli-LeBec:
[looking at Hill] Oh, good. My package from Amityville has arrived.

John Allen Hill:
Ah, Miss Tortelli. Tell me, is that a new hairdo, or did someone toss a toaster in your bathtub? What am I saying - what would you be doing in a bathtub?

Carla Tortelli-LeBec:
Cleaning you out of the drain.

Rebecca Howe:
Woody. Are you really doing Hair?

Woody Boyd:
Yeah.

Rebecca Howe:
How do you feel about doing that nude scene?

Woody Boyd:
What are you talking about Miss Howe?

Rebecca Howe:
The nude scene. I was in a production of Hair when I was in college. There is this very famous scene where everybody takes off their clothes.

Woody Boyd:
Come on, Miss Howe. It's not like I just fell off the turnip truck. That happened years ago. Back then, I might have believed this nude scene business. Actually, I guess I would have believed anything after being dragged three hundred yards down a gravel road into the rose bushes.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Woody, do you have any fond memories of childhood that you can cling to?

Woody Boyd:
The roses smelled nice.

Rebecca Howe:
Robin is back in town and tonight he is mine. So, would you like to know where we are going and you are not?

Norm Peterson:
My house?

Rebecca Howe:
[about Robin] I told him the biggest secret of my life.

Carla LeBec:
What?

Rebecca Howe:
I told him about You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling by The Righteous Brothers and what that song does to me. Right? Do you know what he did?

Carla LeBec:
What?

Rebecca Howe:
He called this radio station he owns and he had them play it all night.

Woody Boyd:
I heard that. I thought that was the long version.

Rebecca Howe:
I guess I kind of thought you wanted me.

Sam Malone:
What would give you that idea?

Rebecca Howe:
Oh, a guy hits on you every day for three or four years. You kind of start to trust him.

Cliff Clavin:
Hey, ah, I hope you don't mind all these questions Bill, but after all we are paying for that drink.

Bill Medley:
No, no, no. I love it. As a matter of fact, this is what it's all about: being with the people, and talking about music with the fans. I mean, you guys are real knowledgeable and aware of what's going on, and I dig it.

Bill Medley:
[to Woody] Now, what was your question?

Woody Boyd:
Ah, well, Mr. Medley. How come you changed your name from Righteous?

Woody Boyd:
I always model myself after you. Well, not the way you're always hung up on your looks, that's kind of shallow really. And not the chasing after women part, 'cause that's kind of silly, but the other part.

Sam Malone:
There is no other part.

Rebecca Howe:
How can someone as beautiful as I am be such a loser?

[Robin rushes into Cheers after closing hours]

Robin Colcord:
Rebecca, I knew I'd find you here. It's fascinating. Everyone else in the world at the end of the evening goes to their homes. You people come to this bar.

Rebecca Howe:
You need help! Real help, not Frasier!

Woody Boyd:
Do you guys know a real bookie?

Sam Malone:
I've got a friend who's got a friend who's got a friend.

Woody Boyd:
And he's a bookie?

Sam Malone:
No, but his friend is.

Sam Malone:
I'm in, I'm in, I'm in big, big trouble. I did something that it felt so right when I did it, but now it turns out to be all wrong.

Diane Chambers:
What's her name, and how many months?

Diane Chambers:
Sam, for the first time in your life, you had the right intentions, and it still blew up in your face.

Diane Chambers:
[about a correct bet that Sam never placed with the bookie] We know that Woody actually did pick the winning teams.

Sam Malone:
Yeah, so?

Diane Chambers:
So, why don't you go to the...

Sam Malone:
Bookie.

Diane Chambers:
...bookie and tell him that you honestly intended to wager on the winning teams and see if he won't give you the money.

Sam Malone:
That's a good idea. While I'm at it, why don't I just tell him that I meant to bet on all the winning teams since 1975?

Diane Chambers:
Can you do that?

Sam Malone:
Please!

Diane Chambers:
Woody, I want to speak metaphysically.

Woody Boyd:
And you need money for the language lessons, no problem.

Woody Boyd:
It's a memory quilt that all the women in my family made for me when I graduated from high school.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Oh, I've heard of these things. A bunch of women get together and embroider patches that string together the happy memories of a young man's life.

Cliff Clavin:
So these women were authentic folk artists then, huh?

Woody Boyd:
No, just bored housewives.

Woody Boyd:
Hey, check this out. See this soft blue square here? This is a piece of my very first baby blanket.

Norm Peterson:
Now, what do those little dots signify?

Woody Boyd:
Oh, that represents my very first childhood disease: smallpox. I almost died.

Cliff Clavin:
Uh, what's that long green thing there?

Woody Boyd:
Oh, this is the bean stalk from my very first high school play. I fell off it during the first act, cracked two ribs and punctured a lung. I almost died.

Woody Boyd:
Oh, this red patch here represents the big fire that burned down my house when I was six.

Norm Peterson:
And what, you almost died?

Woody Boyd:
No, I got out. And while I was running away, I fell in this well right here, and I almost... [pauses] Well, you know.

Rebecca Howe:
Corporate wants me to throw some idiotic stupid retirement party for some insignificant middle management nobody.

Sam Malone:
You're retiring? Congratulations!

Cliff Clavin:
[in comparison to a Jewish bris] The original rites of passage started with the jungle tribes down there in Borneo.

Norm Peterson:
Yeah?

Cliff Clavin:
When the young jungle tribal lad was on the brink of puberty, they'd bring him forward and take out this large sharpened clam shell...

Sam Malone:
Oh, no, no, no don't tell me...

Cliff Clavin:
...they would fill it with dip, pass it around with the hors d'oeuvres...

Sam Malone:
Oh.

Cliff Clavin:
...then they'd take these two big jagged rocks in there...

Norm Peterson:
Cliffy, Cliff, Cliff...

Cliff Clavin:
...and bang them together to call in the tribes out of the hills, you know. Then the witch doctor stepped up with this long sharpened bamboo staff...

Sam Malone:
Oh, here it comes.

Cliff Clavin:
...and shoved it into the ground, hung a flag on it and they danced around it, pretty much, until they dropped, really.

Sam Malone:
Oh, wait... When do they circumcize the kid?

Cliff Clavin:
What do you mean circumsize? There are no Jews in Borneo, you moolyak.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
[about himself] I mean, how can you go back to a room where people think you're a total idiot. I mean, how do you do it, Cliff?

Cliff Clavin:
Well, I don't really like to divulge... hey!

Dr. Frasier Crane:
God, aren't I a pompous ass.

Sam Malone:
No, you're not pompous.

Larry:
Maybe I oughta just, just moon them all and be done with it. Naw, I better not. Twenty-five years of sitting behind a desk for that company, I, I have a pretty sorry excuse for a butt.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
OK, people! Let's get this bris show on the road! Chop chop! Ooh, sorry... poor choice of words.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
[Walking into Cheers with Frederick when he is supposed to be having his bris] The bris is off, I've kidnapped my son.

Sam Malone:
[after the bris, walking out of the pool room with a crying Frederick in his arms] It's okay, baby. Everything is going to be fine.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
[following Sam, with a crying Lilith in his arms] It's okay, baby. Everything is going to be fine. Say, you know, what do you say next time, we have a girl?

Dr. Lilith Sternin:
[whimpering] Mm-hm.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso:
How does a beer sound, Norm?

Norm Peterson:
I don't know Coach. I usually finish 'em before they get a word in.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso:
What's your most troublesome problem?

Norm Peterson:
Ah, that's tough to say, Coach. Let's see. I'm overweight, unemployed, separated, depressed, starting to drink too much. Guess my biggest problem is I've never been happier.

Diane Chambers:
[about Carla] Sam, she's losing what's left of her gray matter, and I don't mean your underwear, Carla.

Sam Malone:
Listen, Cliff, the only battles I've won in life I won on my own.

Diane Chambers:
Sam, that was brilliantly put.

Sam Malone:
Oh, actually you said that to me just a few days ago.

Diane Chambers:
I know, but you remembered it and used it in its proper context.

Diane Chambers:
Sam, if I am to serve both as a waitress and a butt of jokes, I think I should make more money.

Carla Tortelli:
Yeah, what does a good butt make in this town?

Diane Chambers:
[sitting at a table with a man, snapping her fingers to call Sam over] Barkeep? A little service please. Mr. Sawyer will have scotch rocks, and um, hmm, let's see, what am I in the mood for.

Sam Malone:
How about a good beating.

Diane Chambers:
Perhaps a vermouth cassis.

Sam Malone:
Fine. If you need anything else tonight, please just snap your fingers... in several places.

[Diane is chastising herself for acting like a cheap hooker. Sam is trying to comfort her]

Sam Malone:
[to Diane] We all know that you'd starve to death before you made a living with your body.

Norm Peterson:
So long as there are boots to be licked, apples to be polished, and fannies to be kissed, I'll be there!

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso:
How's life, Norm?

Norm Peterson:
Not for the squeamish, Coach.

Gary:
[to the gang at Cheers about Gary's Old Towne Tavern beating them in a baseball game] You guys have nothing to hang your heads about. You played hard, you played clean, you gave it your all. Just remember, it takes two sides to make a victory: one side to win, and you guys.

Carla Tortelli:
[at the bowling alley] Back off buster, or I'll put vaseline in your finger holes.

Gary:
Just try to touch my ball.

Carla Tortelli:
I was talking about your nose.

Diane Chambers:
[about bowling alleys] Ah, the alleys. Thanks. It's really a sensory experience, you know. The scent of Aqua Net on a beehive hairdo. The roar of polyester rubbing against old naugahyde. The sight of a cigarette stubbed out on a patty melt. All this plus the anticipation of placing your feet in shoes only seven thousand others have worn before you.

Sam Malone:
Oh, by the way, Tawny wasn't the only one looking sexy out there in bowling shoes.

Diane Chambers:
Well, thank you.

Sam Malone:
No, no, no, I was talking about me. You know, I'm surprised you didn't mention it. No, seriously, seriously, great form out there.

Diane Chambers:
Thank you.

Sam Malone:
Oh no, no, I was still talking about me. All right, all jokes aside here, thank you very much for helping me beat Gary.

Diane Chambers:
Well, I was getting tired of listening to some ignorant blowhard take himself and some stupid competition so seriously.

Sam Malone:
Oh, boy, he really does that, doesn't he?

Diane Chambers:
No, I was talking about you.

Sam Malone:
I've never begged for anything in my life...

[Diane clears her throat loudly]

Sam Malone:
...that I actually enjoyed once I got it.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
[about Frasier, Sam, Norm and Cliff taking a road trip] We're all dropping our inhibitions, we're going to go out and find our manhood on the open road.

Sam Malone:
Yeah, like men.

Cliff Clavin:
Yeah, like men, we be.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Real men.

Norm Peterson:
Yeah, like those chicks on Thelma and Louise.

[Rebecca and Lilith are talking about a guy with a magnificent butt, bulging biceps and piercing eyes]

Carla Tortelli-LeBec:
You're getting me hot. Who are we talking about, here?

Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane:
Your nephew, Frankie.

Carla Tortelli-LeBec:
That is so sick.

Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane:
Carla, surely, as a woman, you can see how your nephew might be considered... desirable.

Carla Tortelli-LeBec:
Sure. You start thinking like that, and you end up with Woody's family.

[the guys are talking about the last time they cried]

Norm Peterson:
There was one time, uh, we thought Vera was pregnant, and it turns out she wasn't.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
I'm sorry, Norm.

Cliff Clavin:
You never told me that, buddy.

Norm Peterson:
Well, turns out she was lying. She didn't tell me until after the wedding. I must have cried for a week.

Cliff Clavin:
Here we are wasting away in the desert. I never pictured that the four of us would go out like this.

Norm Peterson:
How did you picture it, Cliff?

Cliff Clavin:
Well, pictured Sammy getting topped by a jealous husband. Norm, I figured, you, you know... heart attack. Frasier here...

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Cliff, I don't want to hear.

Cliff Clavin:
You bet you don't.

[Frasier, Sam, Cliff and Norm are stranded out in the desert. Norm is missing]

Cliff Clavin:
You don't suppose some wolf dragged him off in the night, do you?

Sam Malone:
Maybe we ought to take a look for him.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Not me. I don't want to meet the wolf that could drag off Norm.

Rebecca Howe:
Look guys. Postcards from Woody.

Sam Malone:
[excitedly] Hey, all right.

[Rebecca hands a postcard to each of Sam, Norm and Cliff]

Rebecca Howe:
Listen to mine. "Dear Miss Howe. I'm having a great time on vacation. I miss everyone there, but I miss you most of all. Love, Woody." What does yours say, Sam?

Sam Malone:
"Dear Sam. I'm having a great time on vacation. I miss everyone there, but I miss you most of all. Love, Woody."

Norm Peterson:
[reading his postcard under his breath but audibly] "...having a great time on vacation. I miss everyone there, but I miss you most of all. Love, Woody." Cliffy?

Cliff Clavin:
"Dear Mr. Clavin. I'm having a great time on vacation. Love, Woody."

Diane:
[about baseball] Well, if you were so good, why aren't you still playing?

Sam:
I developed an elbow problem.

[Sam simulates hoisting a bottle to his mouth]

Sam:
I, uh, bent it too much.

[phone rings. Diane answers it]

Diane:
Hello?... Sam? [Sam comes out of the office]

Diane:
Are you Sam?

Sam:
[with his mouth full of coffee] Yes.

Diane:
[into phone] Yes, he's here. [hands Sam the phone] It's someone named Vicki.

Sam:
[quickly backs away] No, no, no, no, no!

[Diane is sitting at the bar and needs to go to the ladies room]

Diane:
Excuse me. Where is your bathroom?

Coach:
Uh, next to my bedroom.

Diane:
[on the telephone for Sam] Yes, yes, I'll take a message... You're welcome.

[Diane hangs up the telephone]

Sam:
Well?

Diane:
"You're a magnificent pagan beast."

Sam:
Thanks, what's the message?

Diane:
[to Carla] You're a bitter little person, aren't you?

Coach:
[answers the ringing telephone] Cheers... Yeah, just a sec.

Coach:
[to everyone in the bar] Is there an Ernie Pantusso here?

Sam:
That's you, Coach.

Coach:
[to the person on the phone] Speaking.

Diane:
[about Sumner] What he actually said was, "Come with me and be my love, and we will some new pleasures prove." That's Donne.

Sam:
I certainly hope so.

Diane:
Sumner, am I stupid to let you go see a woman you were once in love with?

Prof. Sumner Sloan:
Oh, my darling, I'm leaving you alone in a bar. Which one of us is the stupider, Sam?

Sam:
Too close to call.

Sam:
[about Diane] No Coach, she's going to be sitting here for a while...

Diane:
[taps on her glass to get Sam's attention] Uh, excuse me. I hate to keep asking for special attention, but could you not discuss my private life with everyone that comes in?

Sam:
What would you like me to tell them?

Diane:
I don't care.

Sam:
[to Coach] She's a hooker.

Cliff Clavin:
[to Diane] What about you, Miss. What are your perspiration patterns?

Prof. Sumner Sloan:
I can't fly to Barbados when I'm this confused.

Diane:
Sumner, it's OK. The pilot knows the way.

Diane:
What makes you think that I would ever work in a place like this?

Sam:
It's simple, really. You can't go back to the professor for work. I need a waitress - you need a job. You like the people here. You think that they like you. And the phrase "magnificent pagan beast" has never left your mind.

Diane:
Now look, buster. I do need a job, and I'll find one. And you bet that it won't be waiting tables.

Sam:
What are you qualified to do?

Diane:
[emphatically] Nothing!

[a man and a woman enter Cheers]

Diane:
Hello. Welcome to Cheers. My name is Diane. I will be serving you. Why don't you sit down right over here. You know, I should tell you, parenthetically, that you are the first people that I have ever served. In fact, if anyone had told me a week ago that I would be doing this, I would have thought them insane. When Sam over there offered me the job, I laughed in his face. But then it occurred to me, here I am, I'm a student - not just in an academic sense, but a student of life. And where better than here to study life in all its many facets. People meet in bars, they part, they rejoice, they suffer, they come here to be with their own kind. What can I get you?

Swedish Customer:
[reading a phrase book, and speaking in broken English] Where is police? We have lost our luggage.

Coach:
I'm working on a novel. Going on six years now. I think I might finish it tonight.

Diane:
You're writing a novel?

Coach:
No, reading it.

[after answering the phone]

Carla:
Who's not here?

Everyone:
Me!

Cliff Clavin:
[walks into Cheers on a winter afternoon] Woody, set me up with a beer, will you?

Woody Boyd:
Aren't you going to finish your mail route, Mr. Clavin?

Cliff Clavin:
Are you kidding? There's too much snow and sleet out there. Besides, it's getting a little dark.

[after her date with Woody, Kelly is about ready to take off with boyfriend Nash]

Kelly Gaines:
So, I guess we should be leaving.

Woody Boyd:
Yeah, I guess I should be getting back to work.

Kelly Gaines:
Well, have fun working.

Woody Boyd:
Yeah, have fun leaving.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
[after Carla gives Frasier, Norm and Cliff three cigars from a plastic bin next to the register] Carla, we asked for a cigar. Not this flammable bratwurst.

Kelly Gaines:
Thanks again for a wonderful evening, Woody. You introduced me to a whole new world.

Woody Boyd:
Man, it's hard to believe a girl like you's never been to a monster truck and tractor-pull before.

Kelly Gaines:
Nash, I know what you're going to say, and I don't want to hear it. I'm tired of being treated like chattel.

Woody Boyd:
Excuse me, I think that's pronounced "cattle"?

Woody Boyd:
Ok, let's hurry! If we get there by 6 o'clock we can sit at the Pac-Man table.

Kelly Gaines:
What's a Pac-Man?

Woody Boyd:
Oh Kelly, I have so much to teach you.

Woody Boyd:
How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?

Norm Peterson:
Pretty nervous when I'm in the room.

Sam Malone:
[about Norm] Maybe we shouldn't say anything that'd remind him of the Hungry Heifer when he comes back. Maybe not say any words like beef or meat.

Woody Boyd:
What about 'meet' as in 'Let's meet for dinner tonight?'?

Sam Malone:
Yeah, that'd be fine, Woody.

Woody Boyd:
Great. Where did you want to go? Do you feel like Chinese?

Sam Malone:
You know, on second thought, maybe that's not a good idea.

Woody Boyd:
That's why I asked.

Sam Malone:
How's life treating you, Norm?

Norm Peterson:
Beats me... then he kicks me, and then leaves me for dead.

Norm Peterson:
I love the Heifer. I don't know what I'm going to do without that place. It was like my home away from Cheers.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Cliff, do you want to shoot some stick?

Cliff Clavin:
Let's shoot some stick, doctor.

Woody Boyd:
[as Cliff and Frasier head to the pool room] Oh hey, before you go back there Dr. Crane, I should tell you that Carla's keeping a guard on the pool table.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Why's she doing that?

Cliff Clavin:
I guess she likes him.

[Woody is on the phone with an unknown person]

Woody Boyd:
Hold on. I'll check.

[Woody goes over to the refrigerator then goes back to talk to the person on the phone]

Woody Boyd:
Yeah, the refrigerator's running. Thank you for asking.

[listens]

Woody Boyd:
What? How could it possibly get away? A refrigerator doesn't have the power of movement.

[listens]

Woody Boyd:
Well yeah, sure I get it, but see, running the way you're using it could only mean working. See, it's what we call a homonym.

[listens]

Woody Boyd:
I'm sorry too.

[Woody hangs up the phone]

Woody Boyd:
[to Norm, fingering the crazy motion] Boy, Mr. Peterson, some people.

[Frasier and Lilith walk out of the bar hallway where the pay phones are located]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
[to Lilith] You tried to explain the joke. That's the problem.

Carla Tortelli-LeBec:
Hey Hill, you can't order us around like that. Sammy can do anything he wants with his trash.

John Allen Hill:
Yes, I see today he's dressed it up in an apron.

Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane:
Frasier, I cannot believe you revealed what is essentially a profesional confidence.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Sweetheart, did she pay you a dime?

Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane:
No.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Then why are we having this discussion?

Carla Tortelli-LeBec:
I have never once said anything about anyone you have ever slept with.

Sam Malone:
Oh, right. What about Diane? Every morning, you threatened to stick a hand grenade in her mouth and pull the pin. You hated her.

Carla Tortelli-LeBec:
[matter of factly] I disapproved of her.

Carla Tortelli-LeBec:
[referring to John Allen Hill] I marched into his office, and I started calling him bald and wrinkled, and he started calling me short and ugly, and before I knew it, our clothes were off and we were insulting each other against the filing cabinet!

Rebecca Howe:
But, Carla, I mean, he is, he is...

Carla Tortelli-LeBec:
You know what I call him? The Bullet.

Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane:
Carla, I believe I understand what happened. You two have a classic attraction-repulsion relationship. It's really a fairly common phenomenon. People who are constantly at odds with one another very often have rivers of passion raging between them, until, one day, the banks overflow in a torrent of unthinking, unreasonable emotion.

Carla Tortelli-LeBec:
Plus, the guy's practically a contortionist.

Cliff Clavin:
[in the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson audience] Hey-ya, Cliff Clavin. I'm from Boston. I wrote tonight's monologue.

Audience Member:
Really? Then you know Johnny.

Cliff Clavin:
Well, does anybody *really* know Johnny?

Esther Clavin:
Norman, I want to thank you.

Norm Peterson:
For what?

Esther Clavin:
Well, I know Clifford doesn't have many friends. I remember that surprise birthday party I organized for him and you were the only one who showed up.

Norm Peterson:
Yeah. Where were you anyway?

Esther Clavin:
I just forgot.

Sam Malone:
You know, sometimes I don't think I'll ever find someone. I thought Diane was going to be the one, but turns out she wasn't. Lucky for me because if she had been, I just would have ended up killing her and dying in the electric chair.

Woody Boyd:
That is lucky.

Johnny Carson:
[after telling Cliff's joke and hearing the audience dislike it] Whoa, stay where you are. Fortunately folks, in a situations like this, the band has instructions to come over and form a human barrier in front of the star. How did that line get on the cue cards, anyway? I should have done that joke with one of those big blue dots covering my face. Who wrote that joke anyway?

Cliff Clavin:
[angrily getting to his feet] I wrote that joke, and it was great!

Johnny Carson:
Pardon me?

Cliff Clavin:
The problem wasn't the joke, the problem was you! You botched it! You botched my joke, Johnny Carson!

Norm Peterson:
Sit down.

Cliff Clavin:
[being let away by security] I'm not going to sit down! I wrote that joke! Get your hands off me! Is this the way you treat your talent, Carson?

Johnny Carson:
[to audience] Ladies and Gentlemen, the President of NBC.

Cliff Clavin:
[laughing] Yeah, there'll be a lawsuit, that's for sure. In a year, this is gonna be the Clavin Broadcasting Company.

Security Guard:
Yep, his name's in the computer. And here's a flash: he's a Postal worker.

[on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson, Carson reads Cliff's joke twice; each time, the NBC Studio audience boos]

Johnny Carson:
Whose joke is this?

Cliff:
It's *my* joke! You busted me!

[Cliff is led away by security guards]

Johnny Carson:
Ladies and gentlemen, the president of NBC.

[after the taping of The Tonight Show, Cliff is on the seemingly empty stage]

Cliff:
[miming bowling] Heeere's Cliffy!

[Johnny Carson applauds and approaches Cliff]

Johnny Carson:
How does it feel on stage?

Cliff:
Good.

Johnny Carson:
Now get the hell out of here before I call security.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
"O Death in Life, the days that are no more." Who said that?

Woody Boyd:
Who said what?

Dr. Frasier Crane:
"O Death in Life, the days that are no more."

Woody Boyd:
You did.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
No, I mean, who said it first?

Woody Boyd:
You said it both times.

Eddie LeBec:
You know, I passed Norm Peterson on the stairs. He didn't give me the time of day.

Woody Boyd:
Oh, it's 3:15.

Sam Malone:
I can't believe the number of changes around here. Thank God, you're still pregnant, huh? Who's the lucky guy?

Carla Tortelli:
Everybody but Eddie LeBec.

Woody Boyd:
Sam, what happened to your round the world sail?

Sam Malone:
Well, it kind of lost some of it's appeal, Woody, after I sank.

Woody Boyd, Carla Tortelli, Dr. Frasier Crane:
Sank? Where?

Sam Malone:
Somewhere in the Caribbean.

Woody Boyd:
You must feel terrible.

Sam Malone:
Well, no, not really. You know, a lot of good came out of it. I discovered a reef that nobody had ever heard of. They even named it after me: No Brains Atoll.

Sam Malone:
[looks at Carla and Woody, who are dressed similarly in their uniforms, and points at their clothes] Maybe you two should start calling each other in the morning.

Sam Malone:
[notices all the changes in his old office] Where's Dave?

Rebecca Howe:
Dave?

Sam Malone:
My moose head.

Rebecca Howe:
I set him free. If he really loves you, he'll come back.

Sam Malone:
A lot of people may not know this, but I happen to be quite famous.