Eagleheart

Vargas:
Marshal Chris Monsanto. Who's the new partner?

Trace Domino:
The name's Trace Domino.

Vargas:
Wow. Maybe this one will survive]

[Chris gets a flashback to his old partner that got killed in the same warehouse]

Chris Monsanto:
Sorry, Vargas. You can't board a flight with more than two bags. Hold on. Coming up with a witticism.

[Vargas shoots Chris' first partner]

Chris Monsanto:
Diamond Gene! Oh! Oh, I swear...I will adapt your look in tribute to your life.

Diamond Gene:
Thanks.

Vargas:
There goes your new partner.

Chris Monsanto:
Not again, Vargas.

[Chris Monsanto who is a flashback also flashbacks another partner that died]

Chris Monsanto:
[to Wishbone] Wait. Wait a second. How -- How many bags can you take on a plane again?

[Vargas shoots Wishbone]

Chris Monsanto:
Wishbone!

[Chris' flashbacks ends]

Chris Monsanto:
You know something? The first bullet I put in you is for Diamond Gene. The second one is for Wishbone, and third one is for that other guy -- What's his face -- The guy that wore the trench coat.

Chief:
Chris, I'd hoped you'd never have to use that level again.

Chris Monsanto:
Yeah, well, Chief, after today I won't have to. I'm done with having a partner.

Chief:
That's why we're giving you two partners. I'd like you to meet Brett Mobley and Susie Wagner.

Susie Wagner:
Trace was a great Marshal.

Brett Mobley:
I'm sorry about your partner, man. That blows. I once had a sandwich that I loved that I dropped on the ground.

Chris Monsanto:
I really don't need Chaz Bono and Renee Richards over there gumming up works now, okay? [referring to Brett and Susie]

Chief:
Quite the opposite, Monsanto. Two partners is just what you need. That way when Vargas kills one of them, you'll only be half as sad.

Chris Monsanto:
Vargas? Vargas is dead.

Chief:
Um...that's the other thing I wanted to talk to you about. He's not "dead dead". He's in critical condition at City Hospital.

Chris Monsanto:
I see. Okay. Fine. Well, you know something, Chief, why don't you get somebody to move those pictures over to the "Unavenged" side, okay?

Chris Monsanto (as a Doctor):
Excuse me. Um, have you seen this autopsy report? It says you were strangled to death.

[Chris gives him the autopsy report and shoots him]

Chris Monsanto (as a Doctor):
But, of course, these reports can often be wrong.

Chris Monsanto:
Good news, bullets. It's moving day. You'll be living in Vargas from now on. Call me at Thanksgiving.

[as Chris was about to shoot Vargas while he's in a critical condition]

Susie Wagner:
Chris, what are you doing?!

Chris Monsanto:
Well, I'm trying to exact some revenge, or commit second-degree murder -- That's for the courts to decide.

[Vargas wakes up from critical condition]

Vargas:
Oh, hi. Hi, Chris. Hey. Thanks a lot for coming to see me. You know, the doctor said I got hurt on my brain, but the nurse said I can take some special medicine to make it better called ice cream.

Susie Wagner:
Chris, you can't shoot him. He's simple. You must have hurt his brain in that fight.

Vargas:
There's something I want to show ya. I did it.

[Vargas shows Chris a colored drawing of Chris riding on a pony]

Vargas:
That's you.

Brett Mobley:
Hi, I'm Brett.

Vargas:
Hey. Hey. Hi, Brett.

Brett Mobley:
[laughs] This guy's great!

[as Chris struggles to kill Vargas]

Chris Monsanto:
I can't do it. This isn't the evil bastard who killed my partners. But I know he's in there, and when you're on your feet again, I'm gonna kill you real good.

Vargas:
Okay.

[cuts to the next scene where Chris tries to get Vargas' evil personality back by doing a learning montage]

Vargas:
Hey, Chris, will you tell me a bedtime story?

Chris Monsanto:
Well, alright. Uh...let's see. Once upon a time, there was a little bunny rabbit named Chris.

Vargas:
Like you.

Chris Monsanto:
Yes, Vargas. Very much like me.

Chris Monsanto:
And what this little rabbit wanted, more than anything else, was to kill the evil turtle who had murdered all his buddies. But the evil turtle's shell was too soft, Chris knew it wouldn't be right to kill him. So Bunny Chris worked very hard to make the evil turtle's shell normal again so that he could stick a gun in his mouth and blow his brains all over the forest floor.

Vargas:
So did he make him normal again?

Chris Monsanto:
We'll see, Little Turtle. We shall see.

Chief:
How's he coming along? [referring to Vargas]

Chris Monsanto:
He's still too stupid.

Chief:
You're not becoming attached to him, are you?

Chris Monsanto:
[scoffs] Are you kidding, Chief? That murderous filth in there?

Chief:
Be careful, Chris.

Chris Monsanto:
Don't worry about me, Chief, okay? We're entering phase two of our rehab. I'm gonna turn that turtle in there into a killing machine. And then that killing machine into a dying machine.

Chris Monsanto:
Victor Logan -- Ran the second biggest gang in town. He's your mortal enemy.

Vargas:
Uh-huh.

Chris Monsanto:
You're gonna wipe him and his whole gang out. It's gonna remind you how sweet evil tastes.

Susie Wagner:
Chris, tricking a mentally impaired man into committing murder for you is against regulations. We learned that in Marshal Academy Day 1!

Brett Mobley:
[mocking at Susie] Ooh! You went to the Marshal Academy. We're so impressed, right, Chris?

Chris Monsanto:
Yeah, you didn't go to the Marshal Academy?

Brett Mobley:
No -- Yeah. I did. [chuckles] School is cool.

Susie Wagner:
...

Victor Logan:
Your time is done, Vargas! This is Logan Town now.

[Chris whispers to Vargas to say his lines]

Vargas:
I see Taco Bell?

Chris Monsanto:
No. [to Victor] He means "I'll see you in hell".

[Chris help Vargas kill Victor Logan]

Vargas:
Wow, that was fun! Hey, Logan, get up. Come on. Let's do it again.

Chris Monsanto:
He's dead, Vargas.

Vargas:
Oh. Okay. Well, let's do it again when he's not dead anymore.

Chris Monsanto:
[sighs] You know, this is just never gonna work. I can't kill you. You're harmless.

Vargas:
[evil voice] Think again, Chris.

Chris Monsanto:
[stops for a minute]

Vargas:
I've been wanting to put Logan down for a long time, and you just helped me do it.

Chris Monsanto:
Wow. Vargas, you're cured! You're evil again!

Vargas:
Not quite. Brain damage -- Just an act. I've been faking it, Monsanto, and you fell right into my trap.

Chris Monsanto:
Okay. [gun c*cks] I'm gonna put 6 bullets in you -- Three for my partners you wasted, one for the time I wasted, and two for Brett and Susie, in case you waste them before I waste you.

[Chris shoots Vargas]

Chris Monsanto:
See you around, kid. [leaves]

[as Chris leaves, Vargas opens up]

Vargas:
[to Brett and Susie] Hey. Did he look like he was happy?

Brett Mobley:
Vargas, you sound nice again.

Vargas:
I was just faking faking.

Susie Wagner:
Why?

Vargas:
He was so nice to me. [voice breaking] He was, like...the best friend in the world, and I wanted to give him a present. I pretended like I was normal...and then he could kill me.

Susie Wagner:
[sighs] That's so sweet.

Vargas:
Hey, don't ever tell him the truth. Please, don't. Well, I guess I'll see you tomorrow. [spoiler alert, he won't]

Creepy Earl:
Hey, kid, where you headed?

Kid:
Home.

Creepy Earl:
You want a ride? I got some comic books.

Kid:
Um...okay.

Creepy Earl:
Hop in.

[Eagleheart title intensifies]

[cuts to the next scene where the creepy van guy actually takes the kid home]

Creepy Earl:
Well, here we are.

Kid:
Thanks for the ride, mister!

[suddenly another creepy guy with a vehicle arrives]

Creepy Truck Guy:
Hey, buddy. Where you headed?

Creepy Earl:
Home.

Creepy Truck Guy:
You want a ride? I got some pictures of Siamese twins.

Creepy Earl:
Hmm. Okay.

[the real Eagleheart title intensifies]

[Chris opens up the van and sees the same dead creepy van guy]

Brett Mobley:
Creepy Earl.

Chris Monsanto:
Who's that?

Brett Mobley:
He was the most wonderful man I ever knew. When I was growing up, he would give us kids rides in his rusty van and invite us over to pet his rabbits. Why'd he have to die?

Chris Monsanto:
Well, if I had to guess, I'd say he got a disease from those rabbits. In about 24 hours, this town's gonna be a dust-ridden plague zone. If we want to die painlessly, I say we kill ourselves now. I'll go first.

Chief:
These are the town's biggest creeps...and the town's stiffest corpses. Except Neil Phipps.

Susie Wagner:
Why is someone murdering creeps?

Chief:
A better question is, why is your hunky-firemen calendar still on April?

[Susie sees her calendar and flips it to May]

Susie Wagner:
Oh, hello, Sam Drake! He's the hunkiest fireman in town.

Brett Mobley:
Hunkiest guy in town, period.

Chris Monsanto:
Oh, please. As Shania Twain so famously said, "That don't a impress a-me much".

Susie Wagner:
So, you think someone's gonna try to kill Neil Phipps?

Brett Mobley:
Is he a creep?

Chief:
He's a 46 year old billionaire who still lives with his mother.

Neil Phipps:
What do you want?

Chris Monsanto:
We're U.S. Marshals. And we have reason to believe that your life may be in danger.

Neil Phipps:
Well...when you're the most successful creator of "to-do list" software, you can expect to make some enemies. It's a risk I've learned to live with. Can I offer you some ginger ale?

Chris Monsanto:
I'll take a light beer, domestic, frosted mug.

Brett Mobley:
I'll have some lactaid and sliced banana.

Neil Phipps:
I have ginger ale.

Chris Monsanto:
Well, I got to hand it to ya, Phipps. You've really got quite a rad pad here.

Neil Phipps:
Yes, I do. I guess you could say success was always on my to-do list. [laughs]

Chris Monsanto:
And it's just you and the mother who live here?

Neil Phipps:
If you're asking about a wife, the answer is no.

Chris Monsanto:
Oh. What about, uh [slurps] girlfriends?

Neil Phipps:
No. Women never got Neil Phipps.

Chris Monsanto:
What a shocker.

Chris Monsanto:
Well, I guess we should have a look at that creep's corpse. What do you say we go hang around the ladies' changing rooms at T.J. Maxx for a while and then go to the morgue?

Brett Mobley:
Roger that.

Susie Wagner:
What?

[Susie investigates Neil Phipps' basement when she sees Neil's antidote until some patient grabs her]

Creep:
Help...me!

Susie Wagner:
Get off of me, you creep!

[Chris and Brett go to the morgue to check the dead creep that's been murdered]

Surgeon:
He was cut open in the same place as the other. it turns out they were all missing their gallbladders.

Chris Monsanto:
Who cares?

Surgeon:
Well, it was recently discovered that the gallbladder secrets a chemical called RUX-40, or Creepatin. This guy's creepatin levels should have been off the charts, but there was none found in his body.

Chris Monsanto:
Let me see that.

[Chris checks the dead body's results on clipboard]

Chris Mosanto:
Uh. Oh, geez. [uses his glasses] Oh, that's much better. Alright, um...let me get a look at his penis.

Surgeon:
Excuse me?

Brett Mobley:
Yeah, I'd like to see his penis, too, please.

Surgeon:
Oh, my god. You guys are creeps.

[Susie sees Sam Drake as a creep in real life]

Susie Wagner:
Sam Drake?

Samuel:
You can call me Samuel. Can I call you Samuel?

Chief:
[wearing glasses like a creep] Susie. Give us a hug.

[Susie runs away]

Chief:
What are you TOO GOOD FOR ME?!

[Susie went to the morgue for tell what the potion is that Neil uses]

Susie Wagner:
Can you tell me what this is?

Surgeon:
It's a male hormone that produces creepiness.

Susie Wagner:
What could someone do with gallons of this stuff?

Surgeon:
They could poison the water supply, turn every man in this town into a creep.

Susie Wagner:
Where Chris and Brett go?

Surgeon:
Ohh, I kicked those two creeps out.

Susie Wagner:
They're creeps? Phipps must have slipped some Creepatin into our drinks.

[Chris creeps by watching a woman inside the house]

Chris Monsanto:
Ooh yeah. Ooh! Move them tchotchkes around. That's the way I like it. Hey! Where do you think you're going? You think you're too good for me, Ms. Hoity-Toity? Get back here.

Susie Wagner:
Chris!

Chris Monsanto:
What?!

Susie Wagner:
Here. Drink this.

Chris Monsanto:
Alright.

[Chris drinks the anti-creep potion]

Susie Wagner:
Do you want to go to the laundromat and steal women's panties?

Chris Monsanto:
No. Of course not. Whose glasses are these?

Brett Mobley:
Hey, guys. You're just in time. Ma and I were just about to try on old halloween costumes.

Susie Wagner:
Here. Drink this. It's the antidote to the Creepatin. Phipps put it in our ginger ale last night. He's gonna poison the whole town with it and turn all the men into creeps so he can get all the women.

Susie Wagner:
Well, *a woman*, at least.

Brett Mobley:
Wow. That guy's smart. But I didn't drink any of the ginger ale. I hate ginger ale.

Brett's Mom:
He never drank ginger ale!

Brett Mobley:
LAY OFF ME, MA!

Susie Wagner:
Neil Phipps! You're under arrest on four counts of first-degree creepicide.

Chris Monsanto:
You added your name to the murder list so that we'd think you'd be one of the victims. Very ingenious.

Neil Phipps:
You got me all wrong, Monsanto. I was simply autographing what I consider my most masterful to-do list yet. Now, if you'll excuse me, these fine ladies are on my other to-do list. And by "do", I mean do.

Susie Wagner:
You girls aren't attracted to him, are you?

Sexy Woman:
Hey, compared to the creeps in this town, this guy's John Stamos.

Susie Wagner:
Neil Phipps is no John Stamos.

Neil Phipps:
I am SO John Stamos!

[after Neil Phipps was defeated]

Neil Phipps:
[to his pet spider] YES! BITE ME, MY CHILDREN! BITE ME! I'M COMING, JACKO! [laughing] I'M COMING!

Susie Wagner:
Samuel, hi. I brought the antidote to the Creepatin so you don't have to be a creep anymore.

Samuel:
No, thanks. I think I'm going to stay a creep.

Susie Wagner:
...

Samuel:
I'm going over to the high school to watch the girls soccer team practice. [leaves]

Susie Wagner:
[sad] Goodbye, Sam Drake.

[as Sam Drake leaves he got hit by a van]

[the two couple and a guy enjoy a nice hot air balloon ride]

Samantha:
It's so beautiful here.

Samantha's Husband:
Samantha...will you make me the happiest escrow officer in the world and be my wife?

Samantha:
[gasps] I will! I will! I will! I will! I will take that ring, that is. Why don't you go marry that parking lot down there, you dumb piece of sh*t!

[Samantha throw his husband out of the hot air balloon]

Guy:
Oh, my god! You killed him.

Samantha:
Well, if you miss him so much, then why don't you join him?!

[suddenly a burglar arrives in the hot air balloon]

Sky Burglar:
Give me your money!

Samantha:
F*** YOU!

[Burglar manages to throw Samantha off the hot air balloon]

Guy:
[after getting shot] HELP! POLICE!

Sky Burglar:
Police? News flash, balloon boy, there's no law up here.

[Burglar throw the guy out of the hot air balloon]

Sky Burglar:
SKY CRIME!

[Brett Mobley walks pass through several of dead bodies while eating ice cream]

Brett Mobley:
Excuse me. Excuse me. [sees a fallen dead body] Hey! Get your own cone!

[realizes it's a sky crime]

Brett Mobley:
Oh, geez.

[Brett still eats his ice cream cone]

Chief:
Three more victims of senseless sky crime. Oh, well.

Susie Wagner:
Witnesses say they were all pushed out of a hot air balloon.

Chief:
Well, thank god none of our cars were damaged.

Chris Monsanto:
Hey, Chief, where you think you're going? Now, Chris Monsanto doesn't walk away from a triple drop-n-plop mental clop.

Susie Wagner:
Sounds like you need to brush up on your town statutes, Chris. Anything that happens in the sky is perfectly legal.

[after Chief explains who The Baron is and also operates sky crimes from Cloudtopia]

Chris Monsanto:
So you're telling me anything that happens in the sky is legal and there's a giant crime blimp flying around this place?

Chief:
Yes.

Chris Monsanto:
I don't know how I missed that.

Chris Monsanto:
It's time to scrub the clouds and return the sky to God.

The Baron:
What has happened to my hookers and my drug dealers?

Sky Burglar:
Sorry, Baron, they're...dead.

The Baron:
Dead?! Damn it. I was counting on their proceeds to complete operation groundless.

Sky Burglar:
Some Marshal is waging war against sky crime. Says he won't quit till he puts you out of commission. Monsant...something.

The Baron:
Marshal Monsantfield, you're about to --

Sky Burglar:
[interrupts] No, it's actually Monsanto.

The Baron:
Marshal Monsanto, you're about to find out the sky's the limit...of your life.

Brett Mobley:
So, the pizza guy says, "Hey, I just dropped all these strombolis on the floor. I'll let you have them half-price". So naturally, I'm like, "What flavors are they"? And just as he was about to tell me, I woke up.

Susie Wagner:
You already told me this.

[after Brett and Susie were kidnapped from The Baron a couple minutes ago]

Chris Monsanto:
Hey, Brett, your shoe fell off your blow-up doll.

Chief:
Where did you find that?

Chris Monsanto:
Out, right outside.

Chief:
[realizes The Baron was here] Good god.

Chris Monsanto:
What? The drop-tile ceiling? I know. They're so dated.

Chief:
Susie and Brett have been sky-napped by The Baron. You have to go up to Cloudtopia and rescue them.

Chris Monsanto:
Both of them?

Chief:
Well, concentrate on Susie, but if you can get Brett, it would save me a lot of paperwork.

Grunke:
Marshal!

Chris Monsanto:
Uh, no, no. I'm, uh, just impersonating a Marshal.

Grunke:
Oh, nice. Good sky crime.

Chris Monsanto:
Thanks.

Grunke:
Name's Grunke. Get you anything you want. Yellows, reds, goofballs, high-hats -- I got it all.

Chris Monsanto:
No. Thank you. That's fine. Although, come to think of it, a high-hat actually sounds kind of tasty right about now.

Grunke:
Wait a minute. Now that I see you in profile...you are a Marshal! Well, you're in Cloud Country now! Up here, anything goes.

[Grunke suddenly gets stabbed by a sky burglar]

Grunke:
See what I mean? [dies]

[after Grunke gets killed, Chris get into disguise]

Sky Burglar #2:
Hey, what are you doing to Grunke?

Chris Monsanto:
I'm gonna have sex with his corpse.

Sky Burglar #2:
Oh. Nice. Good sky crime. [leaves]

Chris Monsanto:
Bunch of wackos up here.

Chris Monsanto (as a Chiss):
Hey, Baron! Looky what I got here -- Marshal Monsanto. I killed him. I killed him real dead-like, too.

The Baron:
Nice work, friend! What's your name?

Chris Monsanto (as Chiss):
Uh, Chiss.

The Baron:
Welcome to Cloudtopia...Chizz.

The Baron:
Please, stay as my guest. Later, we're going to watch pirated DVDs and gay-marry each other.

The Baron:
Can I get you something to drink?

Chris Monsanto (as Chiss):
Yeah, sure.

[The Baron shoots a sky burglar who has a drink]

The Baron:
[to Chiss] Here you are.

Chris Monsanto (as Chiss):
I thank you, sir.

[while Brett and Susie are being blindfolded to do a challenge]

Brett Mobley:
Please tell me that was a sausage. [take off blindfold] Ew.

Sky Burglar #2:
[to Susie] You're next sweet cheeks.

Chris Monsanto (as Chiss):
Hey, buddy, buddy. Change of plans. Baron wants these two freakos.

Sky Burglar #2:
For what?

Chris Monsanto (as Chiss):
Eh, I don't know. He says something upstairs isn't illegal enough. I just work here.

Sky Burglar #2:
Say no more. [laughs]

Chris Monsanto (as Chiss):
Nice chomping there, Brett.

Brett Mobley:
[disgust] It was chewy like a bicycle tire.

[when Chris, Susie, and Brett were about to escape from the blimp]

The Baron:
Where are you going with my Marshals?

Chris Monsanto:
We're getting off this blump.

The Baron:
I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Chizz. There's only one day you can leave Cloudtopia... [gun c*cks] splatter-day.

Chris Monsanto:
Well, I got news for you. My name ain't Chiss. It's Chris -- Chris Marshal, U.S. Monsanto.

[after Chris defeats The Baron by punching him out of the blimp]

The Baron:
[while falling] This is kind of nice!

The Baron:
OH, GOD! THE GROUND! NOOO-- [dies]

Chris Monsanto:
[lights a cigar] I guess, in this case, smoking is bad for your health.

[Chris throws the cuban cigar to the combustible gas]

Chris Monsanto:
Yes! [said it calmly]

Chris Monsanto:
It's good to be back on el groundo de firmo.

[sees the blimp of Cloudtopia explodes]

Susie Wagner:
Chris, you must have killed hundred of people.

Chris Monsanto:
[to the viewers] Sky crime.

Police Guard:
Papers.

Mexican Guy:
Si.

Police Guard:
What's the reason for your trip?

Mexican Guy:
They are traveling entertainers.

Police Guard:
How many with ya?

Mexican Guy:
Four big, four small.

[Police Guard sees 4 mexicans carrying 4 wooden dummies]

Police Guard:
You can go through.

Chief:
It was an impressive massacre. Over 200 shots fired.

Chris Monsanto:
Looks like someone really hates school buses.

Brett Mobley:
Or really loves tiny holes.

Chris Monsanto:
Okay, uh, Brett. Remember when I duct-taped your mouth shut the other day?

Brett Mobley:
Yeah.

Chief:
And it appears they got away with whatever they were after...except...

Chris Monsanto:
Ah, here we go.

[Chief pulls up a tiny bow tie]

Susie Wagner:
A tiny bow tie? Really? What about bullet casings?

Chris Monsanto:
How about sausage casings? Throw in some lemonade, and we got ourselves a street fair. [to himself] Stupid.

Chris Monsanto:
Well, well, well. Cyrus Barnaby.

Cyrus Barnaby:
Afternoon, Marshal. Stopping by for a quick tutorial of the linking rings?

[Chris shows him a tiny red bow tie]

Chris Monsanto:
What do you know about this?

Cyrus Barnaby:
I don't know anything.

Chris Monsanto:
Okay. [forcefully grabs Cyrus' head down on table] For somebody who tricks people for a living, you're not a very good liar.

Cyrus Barnaby:
Devin, call the police.

Brett Mobley:
You should stick to peddling fake dogsh*t instead of REAL BULLSH*T, BARNABY! [knocks over one of Cyrus' stuff]

Cyrus Barnaby:
Yes, a kid came in and sold this to me last week. But it was worthless, non-functional -- Had no "hand hole". Turns out a Mexican cartel used it to smuggle cocaine into the country.

Brett Mobley:
How'd they get the drugs inside without a hand hole? Is there a drug hole?

Cyrus Barnaby:
No, but...take the handy-dandy arm, and then you dip it into the handy-dandy basin...and presto.

Chris Monsanto:
Handy-dandy nostril candy.

Cyrus Barnaby:
The dummy is drugs. It's a high-impact, pressure-molded cocaine. And there's been a whole wave of fake dummies crossing the border.

Susie Wagner:
So, our bloodbath was a drug deal gone bad.

Chris Monsanto:
I want a name.

Cyrus Barnaby:
Dominic Saldivar. He owns the factory that makes these Guadalajara.

Chris Monsanto:
Well, kids, you know what these means?

Susie Wagner:
We're gonna report this to the D.E.A.?

Chris Monsanto:
Not quite. We're going down to Mexico to find this Saldivar fellow and make him D.E.A...D.

Brett Mobley:
Guys, let me ask you something. Do you think it was a good or a bad idea for me to trade my gun in for this churro?

Chris Monsanto:
Brett, your mouth is moving again and there are noises coming out of it.

Brett Mobley:
Just bit my tongue.

Dominic Saldivar:
Welcome, my friends. I am Dominic Saldivar. You have traveled a long way to get here.

Brett Mobley:
[to Chris] He's onto us. Let's bail.

Chris Monsanto:
[clears throat] Uh, my, uh, associate speaks very highly of your product.

Brett Mobley:
Your drug product, he means -- Cocaine, reverse-sneezing dust. We're here to take a lot of it off your hands.

Susie Wagner:
[speaks Spanish] We are legitimate drug dealers.

Dominic Saldivar:
My process changed the entire industry. The U.S. can't even begin to combat us. And this is what makes it all possible -- La Maquina...roughly translated, "The Machine". It can pressure-mold cocaine into any shape -- Not only dummies but books, trophies, sporting equipment...dreidels. You name it.

[Dominic drops the dreidel into the basin and turned it into cocaine]

Susie Wagner:
That's amazing.

Brett Mobley:
Can you make a cocaine version of my shoe?

Dominic Saldivar:
Sure.

Brett Mobley:
How about my other shoe?

Dominic Saldivar:
Yes.

Brett Mobley:
How about my Marshal's badge?

Dominic Saldivar:
Marshals? This is a trap!

Chris Monsanto:
Oh, boy, here we go. Okay.

Dominic Saldivar:
IES UN EMBOSCADA! [leaves]

Brett Mobley:
Damn it. I had more shoe-related questions.

Chris Monsanto:
Alright, look, uh, I'm gonna pump some Mexican killing beans into that guy.

[after Chris saves Rosa from Dominic's drug company]

Susie Wagner:
At this rate, we should be at the border by 2:00 A.M. Then we can get a motel and get some sleep.

Rosa:
Thank you, Chris. I don't know how I will ever be able to repay you.

Chris Monsanto:
Well, you can start by paying for half the motel room. Then we'll figure out things as we go along.

Rosa:
[chuckles] You're silly.

Brett Mobley:
What state is Mexico in?

Chris Monsanto:
Alright, Brett, I want you to shut up.

Brett Mobley:
[confused] What?

Chris Monsanto:
This is what a luxury american hotel looks like.

Rosa:
It's very...accommodating.

Chris Monsanto:
Heck, look. [sees a dead cockroach] They even put chocolates on the pillows here. Isn't that something? [eats it]

[knock on door]

Chris Monsanto:
Brett, I told you, you can't come in and watch me sleep.

Mexican Drug Dealer:
We're here for the merchandise.

Chris Monsanto:
Oh, sorry. You got the wrong room.

Mexican Drug Dealer:
The merchandise. This is the last time we'll ask nicely.

Chris Monsanto:
[to Rosa] Honey, do you know anything about merchandise?

[Rosa quickly runs into the bathroom]

Rosa:
I'm sorry, Chris!

Chris Monsanto:
Rosa, open up! Come on! We share the bathroom. That's part of the deal.

[as Chris burst through the door, Rosa gets inside the toilet]

Chris Monsanto:
You're the merchandise. You're cocaine.

[as Chris and his crew secretly head to a villain's factory]

Chris Monsanto:
Oh, guys, we screwed up. This just one of those factories that manufactures white bricks.

Susie Wagner:
Chris, it's cocaine.

Chris Monsanto:
Alright, Susie, well, that's a plausible hypothesis. Could be cocaine. Could be any number of other things, as well. [takes a bite of the cocaine package]

Susie Wagner:
Okay, just get down. The motion detectors will see you and trip the alarm.

Chris Monsanto:
Oh, okay. How about we play it this way? How about I see the motion detectors first and trip their alarm? [breaks the alarm]

Brett Mobley:
Good thinking, Chris.

Chris Monsanto:
Uh-huh. That's called being proactive, Susie.

[Chris does the death punch]

Susie Wagner:
What's he doing?

Brett Mobley:
No. It can't be. The Death Punch.

Susie Wagner:
I've heard about it for years, but I've always thought it was a myth, like Fibromyalgia.

[as Chris was starring at his hands knowing what he did to that villain last night]

Brett Mobley:
So I say to him, "Look, pal. I ain't one to haggle over the price of a hot dog, but, on the other hand, it ain't every day I find a daddy longlegs crawling out of my hot dog bun just as I'm fixing to take a bit of my hot dog".

Brett Mobley:
[happily] Something wrong, buddy?

Chris Monsanto:
These hands, Brett.

Brett Mobley:
What, you mean the Death Punch?

Chief:
Chris. Word around here is you're pretty shaken up about last night, old boy.

Chris Mansanto:
Oh, Chief, I blew him apart.

Chief:
Pike was a bad, bad man, Chris. Trust me. The Guy's wife and two kids were better off without him.

Chris Monsanto:
He had a family?

Chief:
Um...no. I mean, if he had a wife and kids. Sweet little angels. "Ma"? They'd say. "Where's Pa"?

[Chris sees Pikes' family by the window]

Pikes' Brother:
Mom, this chicken tastes like dogsh*t.

Tiffany Pikes:
Can I help you, scumbag?

Chris Monsanto:
Oh.

Tiffany Pikes:
Did Miguel give you my name?

Chris Monsanto:
...

Tiffany Pikes:
Look, for 100 bucks, you get the full package for 20 minutes.

Chris Monsanto:
...

Tiffany Pikes:
You gonna come in or you just gonna stand there like an idiot?

[Chris and and Pikes' family head to Waterslide City]

Chris Monsanto:
By the way, everyone, my name is Chris.

Tiffany Pikes:
Are you sure this is the way to Waterslide City?

Chris Monsanto:
Well, I've never actually been there or consulted a map or anything or --

[Julie hits Chris with a stick]

Chris Monsanto:
Okay. You know what? That's it, guys. I'm turning this thing around. Kids, you want to sit in your own filth, go right ahead. In fact, I'll join ya. Ugh, I hate this family.

Chris Monsanto:
Oh, hey, real nice, Tiffany. Service with a smile.

Tiffany Pikes:
Well, maybe I could be more accommodating if I didn't have to spend my whole day cleaning the house! [pulls up a broom]

Chris Monsanto:
Oh, honey, is that what that thing is for? I thought you sat on it and used it to fly around with.

Tiffany Pikes:
Oh, well, if I did, at least there'd be some kind of hard pole between my legs every once in a while.

Chris Monsanto:
Sweetheart, it ain't the stiff of the skiff. It's a taddle of the paddle. Oh, and beautiful meatloaf, by the way. I don't know whether to eat that or roll it at the 7 pin. AH! BING BANG POW!

Tiffany Pikes:
Don't you say another word about my meatloaf, damn it. Learned that recipe from my mother, who happens to be extremely proud of it.

[doorbell rings]

Tiffany Pikes:
That's her. [to Chris] You shut your f***ing a**hole mouth.

Chris Monsanto:
[doesn't care] Oh, okay.

Kyle and Julie:
Grandma!

Tiffany's Mom:
Oh, my darlings! Guess what Grandma brought you. Her famous meatloaf.

Chris Monsanto:
Hoo, boy. Another meatloaf. I don't know whether to eat that thing or toll it at the 7 pin.

Tiffany Pikes:
Chris!

Tiffany's Mom:
So, you must be Chris. Tiffany's told me so much about you. None of it good.

Chris Monsanto:
You know, your daughter's a real peach, which makes sense, because you look like an old tree. A-bing bang pow.

Tiffany's Mom:
I love the way you decorated this place, dear. All except for that heaping pile of dog feces in the corner over there. But I assume that'll be gone by trash day.

Chris Monsanto:
Only if you eat it, baby.

Tiffany's Mom:
Swine!

Chris Monsanto:
Shovel it, baby.

Chris Monsanto:
Sandra, it was I who killed Pike, your son-in-law. I used a special fighting move called the Death Punch and I exploded him. I just can't trust these hands anymore.

Tiffany's Mom:
No, Chris, you didn't kill Pike. I did.

Chris Monsanto:
Do wha?

Tiffany's Mom:
The night he died, he was wearing a sweater...a sweater I gave him...a sweater I had laced with explosives.

Chris Monsanto:
But why?

Tiffany's Mom:
Because he was aiming to steal my famous meatloaf recipe, Chris. He wanted to use it to help him win a bowling tournament. It's the only surefire way to knock over a 7 pin.

[as Tiffany's Mom was about to destroy Chris, Chris use the Death Punch move for real this time]

Chris Monsanto:
[narrating] As I stood there and felt the inside of Sandra rain down upon me, I realized that the Death Punch was, indeed, real. But that was okay. Because what Sandra had taught me is that, while my hands can create death, there are other things they can create, as well -- Joy, pleasure, and tenderness.

Beard Guy:
This is it, Monsanto. I've been waiting a long time for this.

Chris Monsanto:
Alright. I'll play along. You hungry?

Beard Guy:
Wha?

Chris Monsanto:
Eat a piece.

[as the fight begins, Chris delivers his special move on the beard guy]

Chris Monsanto:
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. It's quiet time. Sleepy time. Oh, and we're drifting off.. [singing] to Fairyland. We two. [kisses Beard Guy] Oh, one more thing.

[Chris shoots Beard Guy]

Chris Monsanto:
I'll make sure to send my dry-cleaning bill...to hell.

Chris Monsanto:
Hey, guys, what's it like being twins?

Danny Conti:
Well, it's a very special bond. Sometimes we even finish...

Joshy Conti:
...

Danny Conti:
...each other's sentences...

Joshy Conti:
...Chris.

Chris Monsanto:
Wow.

[the next day]

Brett Mobley:
Hey. How was the big sleepover, buddy?

Chris Monsanto:
Huh?

Brett Mobley:
How was the, uh, big sleepover?

Chris Monsanto:
Why are you riding me about this? Nothing unusual happened, okay?! We just did...sleepover stuff, alright?

[as Chris gags, Chris uses the bathroom and throws up while Brett is still smiling]

Chris Monsanto:
[just got done using the restroom] Just normal fun.

Brett Mobley:
Cool.

Tom Wilcox:
Marshal Monsanto! Wow! What is a true american hero doing in my office]

[Chris then pours flour onto Tom's desk]

Tom Wilcox:
What is this? Why are you dumping cocaine on my desk?

Chris Monsanto:
Please don't hate me. I swear to God, I have no idea why I'm doing this?

[Susie and Brett arrives]

Susie Wagner:
[to Tom] Freeze!

Brett Mobley:
We got two anonymous, simultaneous tips that somebody in this office was holding a huge stash of cocaine.

Susie Wagner:
[arresting Tom] Looks like we caught our man white-handed.

Tom Wilcox:
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. This isn't mine. I've been set up.

Brett Mobley:
You shouldn't tell lies, Wilcox, especially white lies. [punches Tom]

Susie Wagner:
Another great collar, Chris.

Brett Mobley:
Yeah, white collar.

Susie Wagner:
How did you get here so fast?

Chris Monsanto:
I guess I have some sort of special...power? I...

Brett Mobley:
Yeah. White power.

[when Chris takes part of an Nutricai program to take control of his life]

Danny Conti:
He's taking control...

Joshy Conti:
...of his life.

Danny Conti:
He must be...eliminated.

Joshy Conti:
Stopped.

Chris Monsanto:
Oh, you know, folks, two weeks ago, I didn't know an acai berry from my left nut.

Audience:
[laughter]

Chris Monsanto:
But seriously... [clears throat] ...uh, two weeks ago, I didn't know an acai berry from my left nut.

[Nutricai commercial plays]

Person:
Wow! You made that much money selling some fruit drink?

Person #2:
It's not just another fruit drink. It's Nutricai, packed with amazing antioxidant power --

[suddenly a gunshot was heard in the factory]

Person:
Oh, f***!

[Chris defeats the Conti Twins into a Nutricai Juice Presser]

Chris Monsanto:
Well, folks, uh, looks like the Conti Twins have switched from doublemint to juicy fruit.

Susie Wagner:
Congratulations, Chris. You killed the Conti Twins.

Chris Monsanto:
Wrong again, Susie.

[as Chris opens up the juice presser, the Contri Twins have become one]

Brett Mobley:
F***.

Chief:
Where'd the other Conti go?

Chris Monsanto:
But, Chief, this is both Contis.

Chief:
Both Contis?

Chris Monsanto:
You see, Chief, the Contis, like all twins, were inherently evil because they were each only half a person. But by smooshing Danny and Joshy together, I turned two half-scumbags into one complete, decent human being...who may or may not have severe mental problems.

Chris Monsanto:
Well, all I can say is "T.G.I.F.F.F." -- Thank god it's Foreign Food Friday.

Brett Mobley:
You always plan the best theme nights, buddy.

Chris Monsanto:
Well...

Brett Mobley:
So, what do they got here -- Like, Albanian-style twizzlers?

Susie Wagner:
I'm just gonna get some white rice.

Chris Monsanto:
Oh, geez. You guys are so uncultured.

Chris Monsanto:
Ah. Look who's over there. Zamyr Ristani and his crew -- Albanian Mafia.

Susie Wagner:
Word is, tensions are flaring up between rival factions. Could mean a lot of bloodshed.

Chris Monsanto:
Susie...Albanians, bloodshed. I don't think so.

[Raki Manash comes in with a shotgun and fires Zamyr Ristani and his crew, while Chris is watching them die by literally doing nothing until Rami leaves the restaurant]

Chris Monsanto:
I'll be right back. Uh, order me some quofte, a bean jahni soup, and some, uh... [gun c*cks] ...Raki Manash, hold the mulberries. Thank you.

[Chris gets ready to shoot Adnan]

Chris Monsanto:
Easy, Monsanto. You made a New Year's resolution not to shoot anybody in the back.

[sees a motorcycle guy ahead]

Chris Monsanto:
Nothing personal, Fonzarelli.

[Chris shoots the motorcycle guy, doing a chain reaction by making Adnan tripping over a motorcycle]

Chris Monsanto:
[unenthusiastically] Freeze. You're under arrest for the murder of Zamyr Ristani and his two henchmen. And, to be honest, I'm gonna have to pin the murder of that motorcycle guy on you, too.

Chief:
That hit was ordered by this man -- Adnan Zagreda.

Chris Monsanto:
Wow. He's putting out more hits than Adelina Ismalji. [chuckles]

Susie Wagner:
...

Chris Monsanto:
The Albanian pop star.

Chief:
Unfortunately, no one from the restaurant was willing to testify, which makes you three our only witnesses.

Susie Wagner:
Well, you can count on us, Chief. I'm gonna sing like a canary.

Brett Mobley:
And I'm gonna squeal like a rat.

Chris Monsanto:
Alright, well, I think you're covered with two witnesses. Good. Great. I'll see ya.

[while Chris and Susie go undercover with their new identities while living in a safe house]

Susie Wagner:
We should go check out the mall.

Chris Monsanto:
[bored]

Susie Wagner:
I hear they have a pants store.

Chris Monsanto:
I can't take this place anymore. I'm gonna go to the garage and see if there's anything I can huff.

[doorbell rings]

Chris Monsanto:
Oh, hopefully, that's the Albanians, come to blow my brains out.

[Susie and Chris meet their new neighbors]

Patty Goodman:
Hi! Welcome to Elmwood Park!

Chris Monsanto:
[to Susie] Well. Who are your new friends here, sweety bride?

Stan Goodman:
I'm Stan Goodman, and this is my wife, Patty.

Chris Monsanto:
Stan and Patty. Well, The Goodmans. [fake chuckle] That's cute. I'm, uh, Crince, and this is, uh, my bride, Brenda.

[Brett arrives wearing a towel with no clothes]

Brett Mobley:
Hey.

Chris Monsanto:
Oh, I-I'm sorry. That's uh... [clears throat] that's Bruce.

Stan and Patty:
...

Chris Monsanto:
He's our male sex companion.

Susie Wagner:
...

Stan Goodman:
You're a threesome?

Susie Wagner:
[goes with it] Y-Yes.

Chris Monsanto:
Are you two polyamorous?

Patty Goodman:
No. We are not. And no one else in this neighborhood is, either.

Chris Monsanto:
Alright, well, look, if you ever change your minds, come on back. We could always use an extra slice of lettuce in our sex sandwich.

Stan Goodman:
A-Actually, uh, I think it would be best if we just...kept our distance.

Brett Mobley:
Bye!

[Stan and Patty leaves]

Susie Wagner:
So, are we swingers now?

Chris Monsanto:
Yes, we're swingers.

Susie Wagner:
I'm gonna go vomit.

[Chris, Susie, and Brett head to the market while staying undercover]

Chris Monsanto:
Alright, what else does our horny little family need? Ah -- Tinfoil. [to employee] Excuse me. Um, could you recommend a brand a tinfoil for swingers.

Market Employee:
We only sell family foil here. Why don't you three go shop somewhere else?

Guy:
You swingers aren't wanted in Elmwood Park.

Woman:
Why don't you go back to the big city, with the other perverts?

Chris Monsanto:
Shame on you. Shame on all of you. Our lifestyle is both beautiful and sensual. What happened to "Different strokes for different folks"? Come on, Brenda. We'll buy your diet popsicles at a more open-minded establishment.

[Chris still shame at the Elmwood people who called them swingers]

Chris Monsanto:
What a bunch of stiffs in this town. [to Brett and Susie] You two must feel right at home, huh? [chuckles] Yeah.

[Susie found a note from their doorstep]

Susie Wagner:
"We know who you are. Come to 487 Broad Street tonight if you know what's good for you".

Susie Wagner:
Do you think the Albanians have found us?

[Chris, Susie, and Brett head to the Ambrosia Club]

Susie Wagner:
Chris, I think this is a Swingers club.

Chris Monsanto:
Yeah. Finally, a little spice.

Chuck:
Behold -- A garden of pure pleasure.

[as Chuck opens the door to the Ambrosia Club, it was not what Chris expected to be like, where it reveals to be a simple room with boring guests]

Dan:
[naked wearing a pantie] Looks like you guys hungry. My name's Dan. Breakfast, lunch, dinner -- Bam, bam.

Chris Monsanto:
Disgusting.

[White Goatee Guy introduces Ambrosia Club]

Chuck:
This is the bar. We got juices, tonic. No alcohol. We don't have our liquor license. And this is the rumpus room. We got a steamy pool table and a beanbag chair.

Chuck:
And that hot piece of tail being manhandled by that weird-looking dude is my wife, Louise. Hey, hon! I want you to meet some new friends.

Louise:
Oh! What do you think of the place?

Susie Wagner:
Uh...I love the color scheme.

Chuck:
Thank you. We bought the paint at Lowe's -- That new one, across town. And speaking of new lows, it would be my honor to do you while I watch your husband get it on my wife while my buddy Samuel watches and masturbates, milady.

Chris Monsanto:
Okay. You know, Chuck, we'd be happy to do a lot of really sickening things with you two monsters, but I got to tell ya, this place -- Well, it's just not up to our very discerning swinging specifications.

Brett Mobley:
[to Chris] What are you doing? You're blowing it. Samuel's good to go.

Chris Monsanto:
[narrating] We were in too deep to change our story, but the theme rooms were a good way to stall. Plus, business was booming. As soon as the theme rooms came in, everything changed. Attendance was up %40 in the first month alone. Suddenly, everyone was swinging -- Even those you'd least expect.

Chris Monsanto:
Dan was having a field day. We were part of a family, but it couldn't be forever. Sooner or later, someone was gonna figure out we weren't doing any actual swinging. To avoid being Dan-handled, I often had to hide in this voiceover-themed room.

Chuck:
Crince, I love you like a brother...with benefits. It's about time I showed you something that not everybody gets a chance to see.

[Chuck shows Crince his secret guns in a secret room]

Chris Monsanto:
Hey, are these those new sex guns I read about in Mother Jones?

Chuck:
Chris, if you enjoy personal freedom like we do, you have to be willing to fight and even die to protect it.

Louise:
Swingers across the country are in a fight to the death with the nog-occupied government.

Chris Monsanto:
Nog?

Dan:
Monogamous! The enemies of freedom. They want to take away our actual rights that our founding fathers found.

Louise:
That's why us swingers must rise up and overthrow the nogs so that we can create a swingocracy. It's all detailed in here.

[Louise gives Crince a book about Protocols of the Elders of Swinging]

Chuck:
We're days away from striking. We're gonna take out City Hall, where thousands of people apply for marriage licenses.

[Chris tells Susie and Brett the truth about swingers]

Chris Monsanto:
And so the swinger movement is actually a vast underground organization of antigovernment militias. Plus, as it turns out, they're kind of all gross-looking.

Chris Monsanto:
[narrating] The plan worked. Zagreda's hit squad stormed the Ambrosia. The swingers never saw it coming. They tried to fight back, but they were no match for the Albanians. It was an all-out massacre. A bloodbath.

Chris Monsanto:
That's when I stepped in.

[as Chris ran out of the Ambrosia Club, Susie lights the rope, making the building explode and capturing Zagreda's crew to death as a trap]

Chris Monsanto:
After the Ambrosia, the big corporate swingers clubs took over. Now they look like Disneyland, especially the one that has Mr. Chode's Wild Glide.

Chris Monsanto:
In the end, I ended up right back here, in my plain vanilla town with my white-bread partners. And that was that.

Devil Worshipper:
Dear Satan, my dark master, lord of all that that is unholy, I offer you the soul of this pitiful delivery man. In return, please see to it that the permit for my new deck goes through without any holdups from the zoning commission. And now let me sign our contract IN BLOOD!

Chris Monsanto:
Sorry to interrupt. I was just in the neighborhood, and I just happened to see the world's most uninviting backyard. I had to meet the deckless son of a b*tch who lives here.

Devil Worshipper:
Who are you pigs?

Chris Monsanto:
Ah, I'm sorry. I forgot to introduce myself. I'm Chris Monsanto, U.S. Marshal. Put 'er there.

[Devil Worshipper spits Chris' hand]

Chris Monsanto:
Oh. Don't want to shake my hand, huh?

[Chris break the Devil Worshipper's bones]

Chris Monsanto:
I guess I'll just have to shake my own hand...inside you.

[Chris shakes hand inside the Devil Worshipper's stomach]

Chris Monsanto:
How do I do? Well, nice to meet me. Oh, what a supple, soft hand I have. I must use palmolive...or guts!

Chief:
Secretary of transportation Charles Folger -- You name a mode of transportation, he's got an opinion on it...opinions that have made him a lot of enemies.

Brett Mobley:
What does he feel about shoes?

Chief:
He hates them.

Arnold Blanth:
Hi, I'm -- I'm sorry to bother you here. I-I just wanted to give you a small present to say thank you for saving my life.

Susie Wagner:
Oh, I-I can't accept it. I was just doing my job.

Arnold Blanth:
Oh, come on. Just open it.

Susie Wagner:
Okay.

[as Susie opens the present]

Arnold Blanth:
It's a heart made out of cat hearts. I know you like cats 'cause I-I found kitty litter in your garbage.

Brett Mobley:
You're so talented.

[Chris sees a guy wearing cool glasses]

Chris Monsanto:
Ugh. Look at that clown over there. Look at that face. Ugh. Those stupid sunglasses and that stupid shirt. Look at those pants. I hate him. I hate his family. I hate his house.

Brett Mobley:
Me, too.

Chris Monsanto:
Shut up.

[as Charles makes a speech to secure funding for new soda machines at bus depots]

Charles Folger:
Now, these machines will take dollars, quarters, and nickles, but no dimes.

Susie Wagner:
Arnold, what are you doing here?

Arnold Blanth:
Who's that -- Your new boyfriend?

Susie Wagner:
It's the secretary of transportation.

Arnold Blanth:
Oh, so you like big shots?

Charles Folger:
It would be completely insane to have a soda machine that accept any dimes.

[after Susie got herself hypnotized seeing Arnold Blanth as a hotrod]

Brett Mobley:
They're having sex.

Chris Monsanto:
Not yet, Brett. They have to see a preacher first and then cut a hole in a sheet.

[after Arnold and Susie got done kissing]

Arnold Blanth:
It worked!

Susie Wagner:
Let's go.

Chris Monsanto:
Hey, Susie, wait for us.

[Susie shoots to back away from them]

Chris Monsanto:
She's shooting at us.

Brett Mobley:
Should we --

Chris Monsanto:
[pulls out his gun] I --

Brett Mobley:
I don't --

[Chris and Brett were both confused on what just happened when Susie shoots back]

Chief:
Is this what you saw?

[Chief draws Arnold and Susie kissing]

Brett Mobley:
That's it your honor. That's exactly what it looked like.

Chris Monsanto:
There's no judges here, idiot.

Dr. Gardner:
Yep, I've seen that a million times before -- Regicideophilia or, as it's know on the street, Lou Gehrig's other disease. Simply put, Susie is hopelessly attracted to assassins.

Chris Monsanto:
Alright. Why?

Doc Gardner:
Chris, some women are into bad boys. That's why I created my alter ago, Doc Shades. My point is, political assassins are -- Well, they're the worst boys of all. She's gonna need a fresh kill every day to get her jollies.

Chris Monsanto:
I just don't get it. I mean, she's been around hundreds of murders and thieves and dirtbags, but she's never fallen for one.

Doc Gardner:
She's only into assassins.

Chris Monsanto:
Okay, look, um, Doc, while I got you here, um --

Doc Gardner:
Please -- While I'm wearing the shades, it's "Doc Shades".

[Doc pulls down the shades for a rad moment]

Arnold Blanth:
I got an idea.

Susie Wagner:
You want to assassinate someone bigger than Folger, don't you?

Arnold Blanth:
I was thinking, instead of getting those twin cemetery plots we were talking about, we get one coffin for both of us to just lie face-to-face in for eternity, both of our skeletons snuggling, beyond the flesh.

Secretary Woman:
I'm sorry, Mr. Governor. I tried to stop him.

Chris Monsanto:
She didn't try that hard.

DanJoshy Conti:
[to the secretary woman] You're fired.

Chris Monsanto:
Governor, I'm sure you've heard of Secretary Folger's completely unpreventable assassination.

DanJoshy Conti:
Yes. Very sad.

Chris Monsanto:
Yes, well, uh, why don't I skip the main course and get right to the tiramisu? One of our lady marshals has come down with Lou Gehrig's other disease.

DanJoshy Conti:
Regicideophilia.

Chris Monsanto:
Yeah.

DanJoshy Conti:
Before my twin brother and I were mushed together, a gypsy woman told us that we would die young. We laughed at her. That was then. Now it seems her prophecy has borne fruit.

DanJoshy Conti:
Well, I won't let them have the satisfaction. [holds a knife to his neck] If I don't do this right, you'll have to finish the job.

Chris Monsanto:
Alright, no, no, no. Look -- I have a plan. Let's give it a shot. If it doesn't work, then I promise I'll put you down like a lame bull with a bad nut. [tongue clicks, lips squish]

Susie Wagner:
I just need some time to myself, Arnold. I'm confused. Part of me wants to marry you, and part of me wants to arrest you for murder.

Arnold Blanth:
But I assassinated him for you.

Susie Wagner:
Yeah, like a week ago.

[Arnold sees the Governer DanJoshy commercial on TV]

Announcer:
Hundreds of fans, no security -- Governor DanJoshy Conti will honor form Secretary of transportation Charles Folger in his first-ever no-security event -- No metal detectors, no crowd control, nothing between you and the governor but your conscience.

[Arnold shot DanJoshy Conti]

Arnold Blanth:
[to the camera] I DID IT, SUSAN! I ASSASSINATED A GOVERNOR! I DID IT FOR YOU!

Chris Monsanto:
Not quite, Arnold, not quite.

Arnold Blanth:
He's not dead?

Chris Monsanto:
Nope. He was wearing a bulletproof vest stuffed with mice.

Brett Mobley:
[to Arnold] You shot a mouse? [punches Arnold]

[before Arnold was about to get the death penalty]

Susie Wagner:
I love you, Arnold.

Chris Monsanto:
Still?

Susie Wagner:
He tried to kill the governor. That's kind of sexy.

Arnold Blanth:
[sobbing] Please don't kill me! I screwed up! I'm sorry!

[what Susie sees him in her vision]

Anrold Blanth:
[as a hotrod] Do your worst, pig. I ain't afraid of dying.

Susie Wagner:
Governor DanJoshy, please don't execute him. I beg you.

DanJoshy Conti:
You really do love him, don't you?

Susie Wagner:
Yes.

DanJoshy Conti:
Arnold Blanth, by the powers vested in me, I hereby...appoint you Lieutenant Governor of our state?

Arnold Blanth:
Huh?

[Chris pulls the switch, zapping Arnold to death]

Susie Wagner:
Wow. Chris, you just killed the Lieutenant Governor. [giggles]

Chris Monsanto:
No, Susie, I didn't kill the Lieutenant Governor. The system did...the justice system.

Susie Wagner:
You're right. I guess the justice system is pretty sexy.

Chris Monsanto:
Welcome back to the good guys.

Brett Mobley:
And that's that.

[Brett then accidentally kills DanJoshy Conti for real this time]

Susie Wagner:
Nice shooting, Brett.

Chris Monsanto:
Geez. Alright, I'll grab a sheet. Who's good at cutting holes?

Susie Wagner:
Look at all this stolen art, Chris. It must be worth millions.

Chris Monsanto:
Oh, Susie, please. Don't be so naive. Everybody knows that artwork is like female bodybuilders -- Splendidly beautiful on the outside, but full of drugs on the inside. Watch this.

[as Chris slices the artwork, he notice there's no drugs inside the painting]

Chris Monsanto:
I should have learned my lesson with Sherice. She was a female bodybuilder I dated/slashed.

Doolan:
Well it's Marshal Chris Monsanto and his lackey friends.

Chris Monsanto:
Lackey co-workers, if you please, Doolan. We seldom socialize outside of work.

Brett Mobley:
Chris, I'm out of bullets.

Chris Monsanto:
Yeah, so am I. Well, I guess this it. Wait, I have a idea. Here. Lie flat, Brett. Lie flat. Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Chris Monsanto:
Hey, fellas...batter up!

[Chris hits the goons using Brett as bat]

Chief:
Inspired work, Monsanto. You took down most of Doolan's gang.

Chris Monsanto:
Well, thank you, Chief, but you know something? I couldn't have done without my partners... [holds up his fists] Swifty and Pete.

Brett Mobley:
But what about me, huh? [chuckles] I did, uh, pretty good too, right? I was the bat.

Chief:
You're right, Brett. You were indispensable out there...and you too, gun. And let's not forget about you, pencil. [to the pencil] Great job filling out that report.

Chief:
You see, Brett, congratulating you would be a waste of breath, breath we could be using to laugh at you.

[Chief leaves]

Chris Monsanto:
Cheer up, pal. You know, if you hadn't been around to be my human bat, I would have had to use somebody else -- Anybody else actually.

[Chris leaves]

Brett Mobley:
I'm not just a prop. What about the time I saved those kids?

[Brett flashback where Chris throws Brett as a stopper for his head to save the babies who are inside the car]

Black Coat Guy:
Oh, [bleep]!

Black Guy:
[throws up]

[flashback ends]

Brett Mobley:
So it wasn't my idea to crush my skull?

Susie Wagner:
[gets back to work after hearing Brett's nonsense]

Goon:
Looky what a found -- Monsanto's human bat.

Brett Mobley:
Hey, fellas.

Doolan:
Tie him up and toss him in the incinerator. [to Brett] I hope you like being hot, my friend.

Brett Mobley:
I do, but, uh, I'm not a Marshal anymore. I quit the force, and I'm here to join your gang. So, do I got to fill something out or -- I-I brought three forms of I.D.

Doolan:
If you're not with the Marshal, then prove it.

[as Doolan gives him a lighter and cigar for Brett to smoke on to prove he's worthy, Brett eats the cigar]

Doolan:
[laughing] Welcome aboard.

Chris Monsanto:
Hey, has anyone seen Brett's mouth? I need his teeth. When I got this, I thought it was a twist-off. [referring to his soda bottle]

Chief:
Chris, Susie, I want you to meet Brett's replacement, Brady Giles.

Chris Monsanto:
Ah, how you doin', handsome? [gives him a handshake]

Brady Giles:
The f*** am I supposed to do with that?

Chris Monsanto:
...

Brady Giles:
Relax. I'm just clawing with ya. I like to give people the business -- The lobster business -- On account of my f***ing claws.

Brady Giles:
Here let me help you with that.

[Brady opens Chris' bottle with his lobster claws]

Chris Monsanto:
Wow! Geez, we get Brett's replacement, and as a bonus, he's a freak, too.

Chief:
Brady, I want you to meet your other partner, Susie.

Brady Giles:
Ooh, yeah, would I like to pinch those fun bags -- Snap, snap, snap.

Susie Wagner:
If you touch me, I will snap, snap, snap your head off.

Brady Giles:
Mm, yum, yum. Daddy likey. Snap snap.

[as Doolan's gang rob a bank]

Doolan:
Mr. Horse, make sure no one trips the alarm.

Brett Mobley:
[to the civilians] Uh, fyi, guys, we're gonna be using code names based on animals. So don't shout an animal, or we might get confused, like if you say "dog", I might think you're talking about Mr. Dog, my good friend right over here, Carlos Ruiz.

Carlos Ruiz:
What are you doing, man?

Brett Mobley:
Oh, nothing, Mr. Dog -- Uh, sorry -- Carlos Ruiz.

Doolan:
It's the police Let's get away! [door rattles] Why is this door locked?

Brett Mobley:
Oh, I locked it to keep the cops out.

Brady Giles:
I'm jammed.

Chris Monsanto:
Okay, I got an idea. Um, lie down. Come on. Hey, lie down.

Brady Giles:
No! Hands off me, queerbones!

Chris Monsanto:
That's it. That's it.

Brady Giles:
I don't crawl that way!

Chris Monsanto:
Come on, you're my new bat!

[Doolan's gang escaped]

Chris Monsanto:
Great. Nice job, crab boy. Doolan just got away.

Brady Giles:
F*** you, Edward Fingerhands.

Chris Monsanto:
God, you suck.

[after the robbery]

Brett Mobley:
Hey, guys, just off the top of my old spaghetti, next time we rob a bank, we should take the money with us before we leave.

Goon:
[to Doolan] Can I waste him?

Doolan:
Not yet. We can still use him for something.

Doolan:
Brett, I want you to tell me everything to know about the Marshals' office. What kind of firepower do they have? What are their intelligence capabilities?

Brett Mobley:
Hmm, let me see. The Marshals' office. Uh, oh. The toilet clogs if you flush too many magazines.

Doolan:
I see. My god. I see. You really are good for nothing. Well...almost nothing.

[Brett still crunching them cigars]

Chief:
You really let us down, Monsanto. Doolan got away. It was an utter flame.

Chris Monsanto:
You know, Chief, I think you'd be singing a different tune of old "Claws Kinski" over here had let me use him as a human bat.

Chief:
Over the line, Chris. That man is deformed.

Brady Giles:
That's alright. He's just a little steamed because I'm the first who wouldn't lie down and get stiff for him.

[Doolan uses Brett as a human bat]

Chris Monsanto:
Brett? What are you doing here, Brett?

Brett Mobley:
Oh, hi, Chris. I joined Doolan's gang. I'm his bat now.

Chris Monsanto:
Brett, come on, now. You -- You don't have to do this, Brett.

Brett Mobley:
But it's all I'm good for.

Chris Monsanto:
Don't you see? You're -- You're a mindless sack of doorknobs whose only talent is -- Is taking commands from somebody else, but, Brett that's a wonderful attribute to have, pal.

[Brady tries to kiss Susie]

Susie Wagner:
What is wrong with you?

Brady Giles:
Come on! YOU'VE BEEN FLIRTING ME UP EVER SINCE I STARTED THIS GIG!

[before Doolan was about to kill Brett, Brett gets some help from a wise friend]

Pencil:
Looks like you could use a little help.

Brett Mobley:
PENCIL!

Pencils:
Looks like you could use a little more help!

[as the pencils kill Doolan's gang, it then turns out it was all an imagination in Brett's head where Brett originally stabs Doolan to death with a pencil]

Brett Mobley:
Thanks, pencil! [mimicking the pencil] You're welcome, Brett.

Susie Wagner:
Chief said no more sleeping at crime scenes. You need to pack up your stuff and leave.

Chris Monsanto:
Oh, Susie, you know perfectly well that this is how I solve cases. I sleep here until the solution comes to me in a dream, which takes about three or four weeks.

Susie Wagner:
Everyone knows you're locked out of your apartment. Just pay your landlady the rent and get out of here.

Chris Monsanto:
Oh, just pay the rent? That's what you would do? [scoffs] Well, obviously you don't know a couple of things. For starters, my landlady refuses to provide me with an in-home tanning machine, which is how I do my cooking. And until these amenities --

[Susie throws a beer can at Chris]

Susie Wagner:
Leave!

Chris Monsanto:
Alright, Susie. You know what that's called? Tampering with evidence.

Chris Monsanto:
So, Chief, I think I'm gonna hang in the office for a little while. Why don't you, um, have your assistant send up some fresh linens, the Miami Herald, and the Cleveland plain dealer? That's all.

Chief:
The answer is absolutely no, Monsanto. This isn't a hotel, damn it.

Doc Gardner:
Chris...we're gonna use all the technology at our disposal to transform you into an old man. Now, the first thing we're gonna do is surgically damage your bladder. Now, if it's successful, you should feel the need to urinate about every 30 minutes.

Doc Gardner:
Then, we'll cut off your oxygen supply to induce a low-level dementia. Next, we'll hollow out all your bones so that they're nice and brittle.

Doc Gardner:
And finally, we'll give you a white wig, like an old man.

Bud:
Hey, you're the new guy?

Chris Monsanto (as Crisp):
Yeah, I guess so.

Bud:
This looks just like my room, except I have a kitchenette.

Chris Monsanto (as Crisp):
A kitchenette?

Bud:
Yeah, Evelyn loved to cook. [shows him a picture] My wife. She passed away.

Chris Monsanto (as Crisp):
Wait a second. So Evelyn dies, and you got to keep the kitchenette?

Bud:
Yeah. [laughs]

Bud:
Me and the guys are hitting the town for a little lunch. Uh, you care to join us?

Chris Monsanto (as Crisp):
Are you buying?

Bud:
No... [pulls out a check] [singsong] but the government is.

Old Guy:
Only then do you take the toothpick out of the sandwich. I mean, it holds the club sandwich together.

[Chris and Bud's old folks laugh]

Old Guy:
You know, I haven't heard from my kids in years.

Bud:
[sad] Oh.

[Bud sees the waitress' butt]

Bud:
And now for a little desert.

Chris Monsanto:
Yeah. I'd like to get me a piece of that, if you know what I mean. BOOM shaka-laka-laka! BOOM shaka-laka! Want to just get in there and MMM! [laughs] Just like go at it, you know? Take a little of that and put it on a cracker and just go [chomps loudly] Get right in there, you know what I mean? And just [growls]

[Bud gets tired of the sex joke already]

[Chris and the old folks hear some ragtime music]

Bud:
Listen. You guys hear that?

Chris Monsanto:
Oh, yeah. You know what that is? That's the new Kevin Eubanks album. It's very hot.

[a video plays when Chris and Bud's old folks were trapped into some sound studio]

Mickey Rooney:
Hello. I'm Mickey Rooney. Mickey Rooney, not Mickey Mouse. [weird laugh] Sooner or later, I know that you're gonna ask yourselves, "Where the heck am I"? You're in studio, a Hollywood studio. What a thrill. You know, you -- You can be a star yourself. "With what"? you say? With your wattle. [gaggle] It's right here. [gaggle continues]

[the video shows an old guy mimicking the sounds of animals and others, but its just cranky grunts]

Mickey Rooney:
You know, making sounds can be expensive. Folks like you and me and our wattle can save company's millions! Right here. Thank you. You can all sit down now, and we'll show you to your rooms. Sleep tight.

[the video ends]

Bud:
I don't like this, Crisp. We gotta find a way outta here. Follow me.

Chris Monsanto (as Crisp):
Yeah. Okay, Bud. Um, listen. I'm just, uh, gonna go take a nap in my complimentary room. If you're not back by 5, I'll assume I can eat your dinner, right?

[Bud sees his wife still alive while making mimic noises]

Bud:
Evelyn. You're not dead!

Evelyn:
Boom, boom, meow.

Bud:
It's Bud. Say "It's Bud".

Evelyn:
Arf, arf, crackle. [spits Bud]

[as Chris goes into a bathroom, one of Bud's folks comes in]

Old Guy:
Well, look who it is. I guess we're gonna be "bathroom buddies".

Chris Monsanto (as Crisp):
No. No, no. No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. Crisp Monsanto does *not* share toilets. No.

Chris Monsanto (as Crisp):
It's time to check out of this dump...and check into hotel vengeance.

[dramatic music plays]

Old Guy:
[laughs]

[as Chris defeats the conductor that conducts the old people to mimick noises on screen, Bud was dying]

Chris Monsanto (as Crisp):
Oh, hang in there, pal. Hang in there.

Bud:
We sure gave them a hell of a run, didn't we, kiddo?

Chris Monsanto (as Crisp):
Yeah. Yeah, we did, Bud. We did.

Bud:
See you on the top floor, Crisp. [dies]

Chris Monsanto (as Crisp):
Okay, ugh. I don't need this on me right now.

[Brett watches a war with dub sounds]

Voice:
[monotone] Shoot. Shoot. Aah. Explosion. Get him! Shoot!

Brett Mobley:
This sucks.

Voice:
[monotone] War! Ow!

[after saving the old people from the conductor that day]

Chris Monsanto:
Wanted to see me, Chief.

Chief:
Great job on the case, Monsanto. I got another one for ya. It's gruesome murder-suicide in a two-bedroom duplex on Orchard Street. Blood and brain matter all over the California-king-size bed.

Chris Monsanto:
Southern exposure?

Chief:
You better believe it. You earned it.

Chris Monsanto:
You know something? You're right. [looks at the viewers] I did earn it.

[man grunts as Chris' winks]

Nature Guy:
Hey stranger. Nice day we're having here.

Nature Guy #2:
Perfect weather. Can't complain.

[two nature guys does sexy hip movements afterwards]

[as the two nature guys were about to take their clothes off, a mountain lion appears]

[until the mountain lion that was scaring them was dressed up by Chris]

Chris Monsanto:
Alright, alright, alright, alright. Calm down, calm down. It's just me, Chris Monsanto, U.S. Marshal.

Nature Guy:
You really gave us quite a scare, Marshal.

Chris Monsanto:
Well, I hope you learned a lesson, too, fellas. You know this not the Ramrod West, this is Mountain-Lion Country, and that's why we at the U.S. Marshals' office urge you to have your anonymous sex at public urinals and rest stops.

Chris Monsanto:
Remember, fellas. "While you're up here cruising, mountain lions are perusing, looking to give you a bruising at a time of their choosing". You can each take one.

[suddenly another mountain lion appears and attack Chris, but Chris managed to defeat it, revealing to be another mountain lion in costume as Brett]

Chris Monsanto:
Alright. Okay. [groans] Alright, good job, Brett.

Brett Mobley:
You see, fellas, it's so dangerous up here that you shouldn't even hang around and listen to safety lectures from Marshals disguised as mountain lions. So, uh, why don't you hop in your little cloud cars and fly back home.

Nature Guy #2:
Excuse me?

Brett Mobley:
Gay people. You live in clouds and drive cloud cars. Am I talking crazy? I mean, next thing you're gonna tell me is that black people don't shape-shift and jews aren't rock creatures that live underground.

Chris Monsanto:
Brett, those are hurtful stereotypes. They have no place in mountain-lion country. Fellas, seriously, though, why don't you move along, unless you want to end up like that famous British actor Claude Balls.

Chris Monsanto:
[yells] PAPRIKA?!

Brett Mobley:
Who's Paprika?

Chris Monsanto:
Only the bestest friend I ever had, Brett -- Or ever will have, present company included.

Brett Mobley:
But why does he live in a lion's den?

Chris Monsanto:
'Cause he's a mountain lion, Brett. I bought him many years ago at Harrod's Department Store. Later, along with my wife and our lover, we formed the Fabulous Monsantos, one of the first exotic-cat performance groups. But then he mauled my wife and lover, and I had to let him go.

Brett Mobley:
Chris, look. There's something written on it.

[Brett sees a chinese noodle box]

Brett Mobley:
Huh, whoever wrote this had terrible penmanship.

Chris Monsanto:
Brett, it's Chinese. [tastes the noodles inside the box] And it's Mountain Lion. It's not paprika. But it's Mountain Lion.

[Chris and Brett head to a chinese restaurant]

Chris Monsanto:
Well, I don't see any mountain lion on the menu, unless "delight" means "mountain lion", in which case, everything is mountain lion. Uh, Garcon.

Garcon:
Are you waiting to order?

Chris Monsanto:
Uh-huh. Let's start with an order of um, [chinese accent] ban quai dei dan quan quan quan dei ban quai quang dei. And then, um, let's get, for the table, just one big [chinese accent] ban qua gei hey hey ba qua kong quang quang heng wan ah.

Garcon:
I, um -- I go get manager.

Susie Wagner:
Chris, what the hell are you doing?

Chris Monsanto:
Come on. Everybody knows that the Chinese language is just a series of made-up nonsense sounds. And now this guy knows that we're not amateurs right off the banana boat. Believe me -- This is all working according to my plan, okay.

Chinese Restaurant Manager:
Is there a problem with the service?

Susie Wagner:
Uh...we're interested in ordering...off the menu, something cooked to...purrfection.

Brett Mobley:
Mountain lions.

Chinese Restaurant Manager:
We do not serve mountain lions, sir.

Chris Monsanto:
Honey, one of those mountain lions you swiped from that den happens to be a dear old bosom mate of mine. Now, where is he?

Chinese Restaurant Manager:
Enough. For years, people say, "Chinese eat dogs". "Chinese eat cats". Now mountain lions? You know how many years we've fought these ugly stereotypes? Shame on you! [leaves]

Chris Monsanto:
[scoffs] Don't know what that was all about. [chuckles]

Susie Wagner:
You should probably go apologize to her.

Chris Monsanto:
I'm not -- I...oh, fine. I'll go sprinkle a little sugar on her ass.

[as Chris was about to apologize to the chinese restaurant manager, she went through a wall to a different place]

Susie Wagner:
Chris, I thought you said you were apologizing.

Chris Monsanto:
Hey, that manager pal of yours just walked through that wall. Here, watch. I'm coming, Paprika.

[as Chris jumps to the wall, no portal arrived, and he managed to hurt himself]

Susie Wagner:
I guess that's chinese only.

Chris Monsanto:
Well, okay, fine. Then I'll just take the chinese express. I meant orient express.

[Chris sees a machine that changed regular people into chinese and chinese people back to their regular self]

Cult Woman:
Hello, Chris. What's the matter? Don't you recognize me?

Chris Monsanto:
I don't -- I don't know did bone or something?

Cult Woman:
Perhaps this will remind you.

[as the cult woman steps into the machine, she turns to the same chinese manager that Chris met minutes ago]

Chinese Restaurant Manager:
Is there a problem with the service?

Chris Monsanto:
Hold on. I'm sorry. Are you people Chinese or what?

Sebastian:
The question itself is flawed, Chris.

Chris Monsanto:
Okay, w-what are you babbling about, snowcap?

Sebastian:
Perhaps I explain. Me Sebastian. Me emperor of this land. Chinese people as you know them do not exist. What you see up there on the surface is just our disguise. Down here, we look regular.

Chris Monsanto:
So what you're saying is --

Sebastian:
Yes, Chris. We Chinese -- We play joke.

Chris Monsanto:
I knew it, I knew it, I knew it. Wow.

Sebastian:
Our mission, Chris, is to protect planet from enemy forces. Sometimes, we have to go up to the surface for provisions. We create Chinese facade so we recognize each other up there. Only select billion know real secret.

Chris Monsanto:
Wow.

Sebastian:
And so here, we have everything one might need to become Chinese. An "L-to-R" conversion kit...silly straw hats...ah, and one of my favorite, cartoon buckteeth.

Chris Monsanto:
[laughs] These are wonderful. Oh, my. [laughs] But I got to tell ya -- It's not why I came down here. I came down for one reason and one reason alone -- To find mountain lions.

Sebastian:
I am afraid, Chris, there are some things you must never know. Me so sorry...sincerely.

Chris Monsanto:
Well, me so horny...for justice.

[Chris sees a ruby]

Chris Monsanto:
It's beautiful...in a gaudy nouveau-riche sort of way.

[Chris then sees mountain lions protecting the ruby]

Chris Monsanto:
Hi, fellas! Hi! [speak mountain lion] Friends! I am here to free you! If one is Paprike, could you please raise your paw?

Mountain Lion:
She's not here.

Chris Monsanto:
Oh, god, I hope she hasn't been eaten already. Okay, alright, you know what? Okay, alright, you know what? Let's blow this pop stand. Watch out.

[Chris gunfires the chains to save the mountain lions]

Chris Monsanto:
Good. You're free. Go, run, run.

Sebastian:
You damn fool. That's the Ruby of Life. It power all of earth. Without it, no life exists. The mountain lions were protecting ruby/

Chris Monsanto:
Uh, protecting Ruby from what?

[suddenly rock monsters came out from the walls]

Sebastian:
From them. Rock Jews.

[Chris flashbacks to what Brett said in the beginning of the episode]

Brett Mobley:
Next thing you're gonna tell me is that Jews aren't rock creatures that live underground.

[flashback ends]

Chris Monsanto:
Oy-oy, oy-oy-oy. [said it in a troubled manner]

Chris Monsanto:
Ah, to Delray, a good Marshal who was gunned down far too soon in front of far too many other Marshals who were standing around doing nothing to help him.

Chris Monsanto:
Lulu, how about another mug of chili and a bowl of beer.

Lulu:
Get that off my counter. Now, you know darn well your money is no good here. [chuckles]

Brett Mobley:
What do you mean it's no good, Lulu? What is it, counterfeit? I LOOKED UP TO YOU, CHRIS!

Susie Wagner:
Calm down, you dump. She just means that Chris doesn't have to pay for his drinks.

Brett Mobley:
Oh, how come?

Lulu:
Oh, believe it or not, y'all, my chili wasn't always world-famous. See, one night about 15 years ago, some trigger-happy son of b*tch who fancied hisself a gourmet took issue with it.

Lulu:
And I'd have been a goner, too, if it hadn't been for Chris, who stepped in front of that bullet for me. And when I realized I was feeding world-class heroes, oh, I vowed to make them some world-class chili.

Chris Monsanto:
And Lulu has promised to tell me the recipe one day.

Lulu:
Oh, now, Chris, like I said, it's a secret, and if I tell you, I'd have to kill you. And then if I killed you, I'd have to turn you into chili.

[as Chris and his gang walked out of Lulu's bar]

Goon:
Hey, Marshals. [gun c*cks] Merry Christmas.

[the goon shoots one of Chris' other Marshals']

Chris Monsanto:
Wait a second. It's not Christmas.

[Chief eats chili in the morgue]

Chris Monsanto:
Uh, Chief, I don't think you're supposed to eat in here.

Chief:
Poppycock. Life is for the living, and this is what living's all about.

Chris Monsanto:
[tired] Okay.

Chief:
You wanted to see us, Carl?

Carl:
Yeah. The report said they suffered gunshot wounds. We didn't find any.

Chris Monsanto:
So what did they die of, strokes?

Carl:
No. A complete lack of internal organs.

Chris Monsanto:
Oh, come on. Please.

[as Chris removes the the dead body's sheets, it reveals to be a fake body]

Chris Monsanto:
You know, Chief, this isn't a body at all.

[Chief slams the fake body]

Chief:
You're right. It's a rubber dummy. Well played, Carl. Prank of the week.

[after many days where Chris and Susie finds out the tire marks that killed Marshals' few days ago]

Susie Wagner:
It was the Novato gang.

Chris Monsanto:
Huh? Oh. Okay. Uh... [clears throat] well, I think it's about time we give Gino Novato a thank-you note -- Hand-delivered.

Hobo:
Spare some change for a veteran?

Guard:
Here you go, old-timer.

Hobo:
Well, if you can't spare any change...I can't spare you.

[as Hobo shoots the guards, the hobo takes off his mask and revealed to be Chris the whole time]

Chris Monsanto:
Sorry, guys. I didn't think you were actually gonna give me anything.

Chris Monsanto:
The sparrow flies by night.

Susie Wagner:
The owl watches the mice.

Brett Mobley:
The dog sits in the car. [literally sitting inside the car]

Chris Monsanto:
Alright, Novato, you filthy scumbag, on your feet. I got no beef with your daughters. They can go. Ladies, why don't you go watch some HDTV or do a little scrapbooking, have a little fun.

[as Brett sleeps, Lulu mysteriously appears inside Brett's car]

Brett Mobley:
Hey, Lulu.

Lulu:
Hey, Brett.

Brett Mobley:
How's it going?

Lulu:
Oh, just fine.

Brett Mobley:
What are you doing in this car?

Lulu:
Oh, I was just gonna chloroform you with this here, rag.

Brett Mobley:
[happily] Really?

Lulu:
Mm-hmm.

[Lulu chloroforms Brett]

Brett Mobley:
Oh. It's a sleepy rag. [sleeps]

Chris Monsanto:
[to Novato] What did you do with the bodies? Did you hide them? Did you burn them? Did you...pose them in tastefully erotic positions?

Gino Novato:
I can't tell you that.

Chris Monsanto:
Mm-hmm.

Gino Novato:
I'm scared of this person.

Chris Monsanto:
I want a name.

Gino Novato:
This is how scared of the party in question I am!

[Gino grabs Chris' gun and kill himself]

Chris Monsanto:
Mm! And that's that.

Susie Wagner:
There's someone else behind this

Chris Monsanto:
Well, the only thing we can do is fake my death and hope that whoever's taking the Marshals' corpses takes mine, and when they bring me back to their place, then bingo, bango, blamo.

Chief:
Bingo, bango, blamo? Chris, are you planning on faking your own death?

Chris Monsanto:
You know me well, sir.

Chief:
Come with me.

Chris Monsanto:
Alright. [to Susie] Just talking to me.

Doc Gardner:
It looks like a bullet, but it's made of hardened diaminopropionic acid, or lobocaine -- A peruvian plant extract that includes a death-like state that lasts up to nine hours?

Chris Monsanto:
Sounds like my ex-wife.

Doc Gardner:
[chuckles]

Chris Monsanto:
My ex-wife died of lobocaine poisoning.

Doc Gardner:
I'm sorry.

Chris Monsanto:
Susie, remind me when this is all done to try to solve my ex-wife's murder.

[after Chris fake his death when someone brings him in]

Brett Mobley:
Hey, Chris, how's it going?

Chris Monsanto:
Brett, what happened...to you?

[Chris sees Brett's legs cut off]

Chris Monsanto:
Uh, where are your legs?

Brett Mobley:
Oh, right. Uh, well, it turns out Lulu need them to make more chili.

Chris Monsanto:
Lulu?

Lulu:
That's right, baby. [laughs] Now you know my secret ingredient.

Chris Monsanto:
Oh, my god. It can't be true.

Lulu:
Remember that night you saved my life? Yeah, that's when I got my first taste. Ooh, I'd been looking a long time for the main ingredient, and I finally found it...courage. You see, courage in the bloodstream -- Ooh, it makes the muscles relax, and that keeps the meat nice and tender. Ooh, yeah.

Chris Monsanto:
Ah. Wow. So you found the secret to tender meat, and now you use beef from courageous cows to make your chili.

Lulu:
No, no, no, no. Not from beef. My chili is made... [laughs] from Marshals.

Chris Monsanto:
Ah! Okay. Gotcha. Uh, well, that's fine, Lulu, but there's only one problem with that. This kitchen here -- It's closed...forever.

Lulu:
[pulls up a cleaver knife] Well, I'm so glad I saved the best for last. Ha ha! AH, BAFOONA!

Chris Monsanto:
Alright, now, Lulu, you can come at me if you want to, but just remember I'm Chris Monsanto, okay. I've killed over 100 bad guys. So what?

Lulu:
I ain't scared of you. Mnh-mnh. I'm gonna chop you up and taste that courage. Ha ha.

Chris Monsanto:
Alright, now, will you listen to yourself? DO you know what you're saying? If you're brave enough to waltz with a guy like me, well, then you're the one who has the courage, Lulu.

[Lulu smells herself]

Chris Monsanto:
Yeah, in fact -- Mmm -- I bet you would taste mighty fine.

Lulu:
Shut up. Ooh.

Chris Monsanto:
Oh, yeah. You would make some really good chili. Smell that brave arm. Ooh, that's good.

Lulu:
Ooh, shut your mouth!

Chris Monsanto:
Yeah, wouldn't that be a good chili with some cayenne peppers. We gonna put in some onions.

Lulu:
Ooh, yes, lots of onions. OH, COOK ME, HONEY! COOK ME!

[Lulu then puts her arm into the meat grinding machine]

Chris Monsanto:
[narrating] Once Lulu was dead, things went back to normal. For starters, Marshal stopped being gunned down every other night and fed to other Marshals. Dr. Gardner found a new pair of legs for Brett that worked almost as good as his old pair. Without his all-chili diet, Chief went on to lose 120 pounds. And I went into the sausage business -- The human-sausage business. And all was right with the world

[and then Chris got shot]

Chief:
Don't do anything crazy, you mental. Just tell us your demand.

Robber:
I want $3 million in unmarked bills. You've got 20 minutes, or you can say goodbye to all these nice people in here.

Chief:
The city can't afford that kind of payout.

Brett Mobley:
[to the robber] Okay, you win. Bye-bye, nice people. [to Chief] So, what are we gonna do to fill the rest of the 20 minutes?

Chris Monsanto:
Delivery!

Robber:
I didn't order any food.

Chris Monsanto:
Hey, well, I don't know nothin' about that, bud, but this is the address they gives me.

Robber:
Put it on the desk and get out of here.

Chris Monsanto:
Uh, no can do. No, I got to sees you take a bite. Otherwise, I don't get paid. Sorry. New management. New rules. So...

Robber:
A taste, and then you go.

Chris Monsanto:
Okay, sure, yeah. Just a taste.

[as the robber bites the hero sandwich, Chris shoots the robber with his hero sandwich gun]

Chris Monsanto:
Did someone order a hero...sandwich?

Chief:
Congratulations, Monsanto. Your 972nd bloodbath. You beat old Pat O'Halloran's record.

Pat O'Halloran:
[sad] It was all that I had.

Chris Monsanto:
And now I must announce with a heavy heart that I am retiring. I've broken old Pat's record, rendering his life completely pointless. And now it's time to hand over the reigns to a new generation.

Susie Wagner:
Oh, we'll do you right, Chris.

Chris Monsanto:
I'm not talking about you, honey. You're already dried up.

Chris Monsanto:
Okay, well, adieu, everyone. Time to shred. [chuckles] Okay.

[as Chris shreds his hat and gun, he accidentally shot Pat O'Halloran to death when he put his gun in the shredder]

The Baker:
[who makes cakes honoring Chris' bloodbath of villains he defeated] Guess I'll have to bake another cake.

[after Chris retires, Chris saw his ghost son this night, and goes back into the Marshal's office]

Chris Monsanto:
I'm back. I've got a little unfinished business.

Brett Mobley:
YEAAAAH!

Susie Wagner:
I hope you don't mind me asking, Chris, but...why'd you come back?

Chris Monsanto:
A vision, Susan. [chuckles] Might even say a ghost. You see, I had another life before I was a Marshal. I had a bride, more beautiful than a limited-edition Thomas Kinkade. Soon she was with a child. But something went wrong. She died during childbirth. So I raised the boy alone. I called him Gabey, and then -- [sees a few bad guys in the alley] Oh, look. There's our guy.

[Chris shoots the 3 bad guys in the alley]

Chris Monsanto:
Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah. Well, one day, I came home, and I found that Gabey had been brutally slaughtered. The next day, I applied to be a U.S. Marshal to track down his killer. But every now and then, Gabey's sweet little ghost pops up to remind me just why I got into this crazy biz in the first place.

Susie Wagner:
Oh, my god. I have visions, too. Calvin, my college boyfriend and the love of my life. But then, one awful night... [his college boyfriend died] the very next day, I transferred to the Marshal Academy.

Brett Mobley:
Me too. My vengeance guy was Stu. He was my favorite bus boy at my favorite all-you-can-eat-seafood place. I promised I would never eat king crabs' legs again until I found Stu's killer.

Chris Monsanto:
Then why are we wasting our time busting random scumbags when we should be tracking down the murderers of our loved ones?

Brett Mobley:
I'm up for that.

Susie Wagner:
Yeah!

[Chris sees his ghost son again]

Gabey:
Daddy!

Chris Monsanto:
Gabey.

Gabey:
Don't just try to avenge me. It's important to also do routine drug busts.

Chris Monsanto:
[seriously expression] Really?

Gabey:
Yes. You don't want tax dollars going to your own pet projects. Bye.

[as Gabey tries to find a door to escape, the door is locked]

Chris Monsanto:
Gabey?

Gabey:
Sh*t.

[as Gabey punch Chris right in the gut planning to escape again, Chris tackles his own son]

Gabey:
[man voice] Hands off me, queerbones! I don't haunt that way.

[after Chris figures out that his ghost son was a midget all along, there's more truths that Chris doesn't know]

Humberto:
The truth is I ain't really a ghost. I've been pretending to be for about 20 years. My Pops makes me do it so you'll keep being a Marshal.

Chris Monsanto:
Well, hold on a second. I'm your Pops.

Humberto:
Sorry to break it to you, pal, but you ain't.

[Humberto grabs a picture of Chief and his son]

Humberto:
He is.

Susie Wagner:
Chief?

Humberto:
He discovered you way before you ever met him. He knew you had potential you just needed that little bit of rage to push you over the edge. So he got in touch with your lady and let her know how she could help her country. He was there when I got made and there when I quote, unquote, "died".

Chris Monsanto:
So, then, does this mean that my wife faked her death, too?

Humberto:
Nah. She really croaked having me.

Susie Wagner:
So, why did Chief need to have sex with her?

Humberto:
'Cause droops here ain't got the goods.

Chris Monsanto:
[offended] Alright!

Susie Wagner:
What about my boyfriend, Calvin?

[Humberto puts on his black jacket]

Humberto (as Calvin):
Hiya, Sue.

Susie Wagner:
Did you ever really loved me?

Humberto:
Nah.

Brett Mobley:
Well, what about my favorite waiter, Stu?

[Humberto then puts on a hairnet]

Brett Mobley:
Oh, my god. Did you ever really love serving me crab legs?

Humberto:
NAH.

Brett Mobley:
SO WHAT ARE YOU F***ING TELLING ME HERE?! THAT THE LAST 10 YEARS, I COULD HAVE BEEN EATING CRAB LEGS?!

Chris Monsanto:
Well, I think it's time we give the Chief a taste of his own dead-icine.

[Chris and Humberto tries to get back at Chief by Humberto becoming Gabey again pretending he is killed]

Chief:
Gabey? Boy? Oh, dear lord.

Chris Monsanto:
[hiding in the closet with Susie and Brett] This is great.

Chief:
Dear god.

Chris Monsanto:
[chuckles] This is great.

Chief:
Oh, god. The bastards didn't finish the job. Guess I'll have to--

[Chief pulls up his gun and shoots Humberto, mistaken it as a dead body]

Chief:
Better get rid of the evidence. Time to burn this place down.

[Chris and his gang came out of the closet]

Chris Monsanto:
Chief, no!

Chief:
What are you doing here?

Chris Monsanto:
Well, we figured out what you were doing, and so we set this whole thing up.

Chief:
So he's not really dead?

Susie Wagner:
No. He is. Y-You killed him.

[as Chris shoots his own boss, the same baker arrives at their doorstep while having a cake that shows the same scene that Chris just did right now]

The Baker:
Congratulations. Your 976th and 977th kill.

Chris Monsanto:
How did you bake that so fast?

The Baker:
Is this Wednesday?

Susie Wagner:
No. It's Tuesday.

The Baker:
Sh*t. [runs away]

[as Chris and the gang chases the baker into his bakery, they're were in for a surprise]

Susie Wagner:
Oh, Chris, look.

Chris Monsanto:
These cakes show everything that's happened to us.

The Baker:
And everything that ever will.

[The Baker shows all the cake creations of the main characters that will happen to them in their next adventures]

Chris Monsanto:
Geez.

The Baker:
I don't bake them after your adventures, Marshals. I made these cakes a long time ago.

Susie Wagner:
Are you saying you're...God?

Brett Mobley:
Charging full price for stale cakes?

[as The Baker gives Chief the cake version of himself to end himself, just to make sure the Marshals got it all under control without him]

Chief:
Just remember, Chris, Brett, Susie...just remember that I lived.

Chief:
I LIII-- [dies as he squish his own cake version of himself]

[as Chief dies for real this time]

Chris Monsanto:
Now what? What reason do we have to keep going?

The Baker:
You don't need one. You just...keep going.

[The Baker puts the cake hat onto the cake version of Chris Monsato's head which also shows that the Real Chris Monsanto is wearing his original hat that magically appears]

The Baker:
Because it's already on the cakes.

Brett Mobley:
Is it cool if I take one of these Cake Bretts?

The Baker:
No.

[Brett gets one of his legs eaten off as he eats one of Cake Brett's legs]

[Chris, Brett, and Susie play poker in someone's house]

Poker Guy:
So, I look in the back seat, and what do I see? A boa constrictor looking right back at me. And I look over at Whitey and I go, "Whitey, next time we go to the hardware store, let me pick out the garden hose". [laughs]

Brett Mobley:
Man, I just love our weekly poker games.

Chris Monsanto:
Yeah, right? [realizes] Wait a minute. We don't have a weekly poker game.

Poker Guy:
DIE, PIGS!

[Poker Guy aggressively flips the table away revealing he's got a shotgun underneath, but instead, Chris managed to shoot the Poker Guy]

Susie Wagner:
Jewelry heist just went down across town. This poker game was all a distraction.

Chris Monsanto:
These cards aren't even real. They're Matzah.

Brett Mobley:
Yeah, and these poker chips are just pepperonis.

[as Brett one of the poker chips, the scene then cuts to the next scene at the City Hospital]

Dr. Gardner:
He's gonna be okay. Brett swallowed a pound and a half of plastic poker chips.

[Chris and Susie check to see how Brett is doing]

Chris Monsanto:
Ooh. What's that horrible smell?

Brett Mobley:
Hey, guys. [carrying a mutant shaped egg]

Chris Monsanto:
What in the hell is that?

Dr. Gardner:
That is a bezoar. It's a mass of indigestible matter that accumulates in the stomach. And this little beauty is made up mostly of hair, poker chips, and chunks of couch cushion.

Brett Mobley:
I'm a Daddy.

Chris Monsanto:
Okay, Brett. Here, we'll destroy that for ya.

Brett Mobley:
NO!

Captain:
Brett, what the hell is that?

Brett Mobley:
Oh, what? This? Oh, it's my bezoar. Pretty cute, huh?

Susie Wagner:
Am I crazy, or has it grown?

Chris Monsanto:
Yeah, seriously, kid. What the hell are you feeding that thing?

Speaker:
429 in progress. 2301 north baker. All unites respond.

Captain:
The Diamond Warehouse. Get over there, you three.

Brett Mobley:
Don't you mean, "us four"? [mentioning his bezoar]

Captain:
[tired] Just go.

[Brett sees a replicate version of himself when the bezoar opens up]

Brett Mobley:
Whoa. It's another me,

Bezoar:
Hello.

Chris Monsanto:
[sighs] Great. Another Brett. Could we get the hairy turd back, please?

Brett Mobley:
Geez blagum frume clap.

Bezoar:
I beg your pardon?

Brett Mobley:
That means, "Let's go get milkshakes" in the new secret friend language I invented just now.

Bezoar:
Oh. I see.

Brett Mobley:
I'm gonna name you "Bezoar".

Chris Monsanto:
[to the viewers] [sarcastically] Okay, folks. Well, this looks like it's gonna be a lot of fun.

Susie Wagner:
We're U.S. Marshals. Where are the diamonds?

Terry Lord:
Diamonds? This is an auto body shop. Speaking of which, I'd like to do some bodywork on you, little lady.

Susie Wagner:
Well, I think you should fix that dent in your side, first.

[Susie kicks Terry in the gut]

Brett Mobley:
And your busted ear-view mirror.

[Brett brutally rips Terry's ear with his mouth]

Chris Monsanto:
Or this hole in your spine. [shoots Terry] Sorry, I don't know much about cars. Now, confess!

Terry Lord:
You ain't getting nothing out of me.

Chris Monsanto:
Alright. If I can't get anything out of you, I'll just have to put something into you.

[Chris puts his hand into Terry's back as a puppet]

Chris Monsanto:
Alright, now. Talk, grease monkey. Talk. [talks as Terry] Okay, okay. I confess. I confess. I'm the head of the diamond ring. You're right. You deserve a raise. [normal voice] Well, thank you very much. [talks as Terry] I'm talking about your I.Q. [normal voice] Hey, I thought you were the dummy. [talks as Terry] No, you're the dummy. [normal voice] Okay, well, just for that, you can go...straight to hell.

[Brett and Susie laughed and clapped]

Susie Wagner:
That's great, Chris, but he's just the middle man.

Chris Monsanto:
What are you talking about? No, he just confessed. The case is closed, sweetheart.

Bezoar:
I don't know, Chris. I thought that confession was insincere. It seemed awfully tongue... [rips out Terry's tongue] in cheeks.

[then Bezoar puts Terry's tongue right inside his private area]

Chris Monsanto:
Very nice, Bezoar. Very nice.

[while Bezoar is capturing information in the Marshals Office at midnight, Susie arrives]

Susie Wagner:
Oh. Hey, Bezoar.

Bezoar:
Hey, Susie. What are you doing here?

Susie Wagner:
I'm just getting some files.

Bezoar:
That's cool. I was just downloading the new Sade album to everyone's computers.

Susie Wagner:
Oh, I...love Sade.

Bezoar:
Really? Me too.

[Chris explains how he did the puppet attack move on Terry Lord]

Chris Monsanto:
So, that's why I work the testicles. You don't see the bruises.

Bezoar:
Wow. Everything you say is so wise. From now on, I'm gonna to call your Mr. Wisdom.

Susie Wagner:
Hey, Bezoar. I didn't hear you leave this morning.

Bezoar:
I don't know what you're talking about.

Susie Wagner:
Bezoar, we had sex last night. I know that we were both a little tipsy, but...

Bezoar:
Susie, I think you had sex with Brett. He must have tricked you into thinking that he was me.

Susie Wagner:
What?

[Brett arrives]

Brett Mobley:
Hey. What are you guys talking about? Stuff?

Susie Wagner:
Bastard! [slaps Brett]

Brett Mobley:
[to Bezoar] What was that about?

Bezoar:
Who cares? That slap was the most contact you've had with a woman in years.

Brett Mobley:
Come on, Bezoar.

Bezoar:
C-C-C-C-Come on, you stuttering prick.

Joanna Kerns:
If you're like me, you know the importance of a healthy diet and active lifestyle. Unfortunately, if you're like me, you have also been tricked into eating Bezoar Bites, which lab studies show are packed with hair and poker chips, A.K.A. Bezoar Fuel. And now you have a Bezoar growing inside you.

Joanna Kerns:
Bezoars may seem great at first.

[shows a clip from Eagleheart, where Bezoar draw something on Brett's forehead]

Chris Monsanto:
What is that?

Bezoar:
Oh, it's what a Bezoar penis looks like.

Joanna Kerns:
But give them enough time, and they'll steal your friends, and ultimately try to kill you.

Joanna Kerns:
Thankfully, now there's Enzorbia Brand Yogurt. Enzorbia is packed with powerful probiotic cultures proven to kill harmful bezoars. So, try Enzorbia today and say bye-bye to Bezoars.

[as the commercial ends, a new commercial shows up]

Joanna Kerns:
Hi. I'm Joanna Kerns, and you've probably seen my commercials for Enzorbia Anti-Bezoar Yogurt. Unfortunately, the woman in those commercials is not me. It's my Bezoar. Enzorbia is packed with enzymes that make Bezoars grow faster, stronger, and more evil inside you. If you have been eating Enzorbia, stop immediately and see your doctor.

Joanna Kerns:
Tell them Joanna Kerns sent you.

[commercial ends]

Chris Monsanto:
I can't believe we trusted that disgusting thing. [while eating Enzorbia Brand Yogurt]

Susie Wagner:
Chris, stop eating that!

Chris Monsanto:
Mm.

Captain:
We think everyone in town is infected with a Bezoar. It's only a matter of time.

Susie Wagner:
What do we do?

Joanna Kerns:
[on TV] Scientists say the only way to stop the Bezoar epidemic is to kill the original Bezoar.

Susie Wagner:
This is still on? Is it a commercial or a whole show?

Captain:
There's an organ thief on the loose in Elmwood Park. The victim's are all married couples.

Chris Monsanto:
Why would somebody want to steal organs from corpses?

Captain:
I didn't say they were dead.

Chris Monsanto:
You said they were married. Pow!

Brett Mobley:
Haha. Pow!

Captain:
Are you drunk, Monsanto?

Chris Monsanto:
So what?

[Chris and the gang sees the photos of dead parents getting their organs captured]

Susie Wagner:
Wow. The spelling is awful.

Brett Mobley:
Yeah.

[Brett sees all the letters scrambled on the photo in his vision]

Brett Mobley:
I know.

Dead Parent from the Photo:
They're all gonna find out you can't read.

Captain:
We suspect that kid are somehow behind this. You three are gonna go undercover and throw a slumber party.

Susie Wagner:
You wanna use us a bait?

Captain:
Here's your cover story -- You are Mort and Irene, an aging, childless couple. One day, Mort's low-life brother, Burt, came to visit, unannounced. It wasn't long before Burt was giving it to Irene on a steady basis. I mean, not that Mort cares, really. It had been so long since he had any sensation in that creamy nub he called a penis that he forgot what it felt like to be a man.

Susie Wagner:
...Okay. What about the slumber party?

Captain:
L-L-Let me finish. In what could only be taken as a cruel joke, Irene decided to host a slumber party for the neighborhood children, filling their joyless home with the playful young voices that Mort's cloopy cheese dick could never provide.

[Dr. Gardner gives an idea to Chris and the gang, on how catch the stealing organ kids]

Dr. Gardner:
We're going to embed explosive dye packs in your vital organs. That way if someone tries to steal the, kapo -- [opens up the dummy splashing out explosive dye onto his face by mistake] Son of a b*tch.

Brett Mobley:
Guess it's time to get on the old Snoozetown express, huh? Good thing I got my passport. And my ticket and money for snacks -- 50 snooze bucks, the only type of money they accept in Snoozetown.

Brett Mobley:
Oh, no. I can't find my snooze bucks.

[Brett sees the duck in the painting that talks]

Duck:
Nobody likes you, Brett.

[the next day, Chris and Susie got their organs stolen]

Chris Monsanto:
Oh, they got me. Okay, they got my kidneys and great, the liver.

Susie Wagner:
Oh, they got my liver, too. And my ovaries.

Chris Monsanto:
Eh, big loss. I bet those empty egg cartons were filled with pure oxygen. They probably floated off on their own.

Chris Monsanto:
Brett.

Brett Mobley:
What?

Chris Monsanto:
Brett. Did you take our organs?

Brett Mobley:
You mean the ones you stole from Tommy Tumbles?

Chris Monsanto:
Okay, what?

Brett Mobley:
Oh, yeah. I found out all about it last night from Silly Sammy. I couldn't get to sleep after that duck got all in my head, so I went downstairs to hang out with my new best pals, who just happened to be watching my favorite late-night kids show, Sammy with Silly Sammy.

Silly Sammy:
Hey, kids. Are the grown-ups sleeping? Good, because there's something I want to tell you about, and it's not easy. It's about my good friend, Tommy Tumbles. Tommy's not well. And you know why?

Silly Sammy:
Because your parents stole his organs. They stole the precious insides from this tender tumbler lying here tonight.

Silly Sammy:
How you doing, T?

Tommy Tumbles:
[weakly] I'm tired, Sammy, but I'm hanging on. I got to get up. I got to make the kids smile.

Silly Sammy:
No. Just lie down. Just rest, my friend. You'll be okay.

Silly Sammy:
[to the viewers] He won't be okay.

Silly Sammy:
Here's what you need to do to save Tommy. [singing] Oh, first you take a scalpel and then you take a pen, make a lateral incision across the abdomen. You locate all the organs -- Kidneys, heart, and spleen, use some bacitracin to keep them nice and clean. Oh, you clamp off the arteries and pop the goodies out, a snip here, a snip there, that's what it's all about! Put them in the icebox before they get all clammy...

[Brett flashback ends]

Brett Mobley:
[singing] And now it's time to send them off to good old Silly Sammy. [laughs]

Susie Wagner:
[tired] You memorized the whole song?

Brett Mobley:
Yeah. He sings it every show.

Chris Monsanto:
Well, I guess we got to get down there to that Silly Sammy's studio and give that clown a pie in the face. And by "pie", I mean a hollow-point bullet. And by "face" -- Well, actually, "face" kind of works there, doesn't it?

Brett Mobley:
[happily] Let me get this straight. I'm gonna get to kill Silly Sammy in person?!

Chris Monsanto:
Well, Brett, we'll see, okay? We'll see.

[Brett discovers the terrible truth about Silly Sammy]

Announcer:
Ladies and gentlemen, your host for the evening, Mr. Sampson Hidler.

Brett Mobley:
Sampson?

Mr. Sampson Hidler (Silly Sammy):
Friends, I present to you the finest black-market organs that money can buy.

Brett Mobley:
Sammy, no.

Mr. Sampson Hidler (Silly Sammy):
Have you ever noticed that everything fun is bad for you? Well, not anymore it isn't. Finally, you can drink all night and swap out your liver in the morning. You can do all the cocaine you want with your very own blow nose.

Brett Mobley:
Sammy, don't.

Mr. Sampson Hidler:
Crystal meth is bad for your lungs. That's why you don't have to use your lungs. [referring to the stolen lungs]

Brett Mobley:
Don't.

Mr. Sampson Hidler (Silly Sammy):
And it isn't cheating on your wife if you strap on our patented...party dink.

Brett Mobley:
Sammy, doooon't.

Mr. Sampson Hidler (Silly Sammy):
Out first item up for auction tonight is a mint-condition male stomach.

[as Mr. Sampson Hidler shows more black market items, Brett notices the guy who's bringing out the mint-condition male stomach is Tommy Tumbles himself]

Brett Mobley:
Tommy Tumbles. He's not sick.

Mouth on Tommy Tumbles' Forehead:
Time to grow up, Brett.

Brett Mobley:
YOU LIED TO ME!

[then Brett tackles Tommy Tumbles for ruining his whole childhood]

[before Silly Sammy were about to blow Chris and the gang's heads off with a shotgun]

Chris Monsanto:
Uh, Silly Sammy, wait a second. You know, we're not here to kill you. Um, we're here to help you make money.

Mr. Sampson Hidler (Silly Sammy):
I'm listening.

Chris Monsanto:
Well, you need organs, right? Well, we're U.S. Marshals. We kill people all day. We're lousy with organs.

Mr. Sampson Hidler (Silly Sammy):
You'll give me your dead people's organs?

Chris Monsanto:
All of them.

Mr. Sampson Hidler (Silly Sammy):
[puts the shotgun away] You just said the magic word..."Organs". You got yourselves a deal.

Chris Monsanto:
Great.

Mr. Sampson Hidler (Silly Sammy):
How about a little celebratory crystal meth.

Chris Monsanto:
Uh, sure. Well, that sounds good. Uh, just one question. Uh, do you mind if we get our own personal organs back?

Mr. Sampson Hidler (Silly Sammy):
Yeah, yeah. No problem. But I got to warn ya, I don't got a lot of meth, and I smoke it really fast, so...

Chris Monsanto:
I'm sure you do.

Chris Monsanto's Dad:
Chris, come on downstairs. I just pissed all over your Hanukkah presents.

Chris Monsanto:
One whiskey-soaked liver and one set of ovaries filled with nothing but pure oxygen.

[Chris throws the soaked liver and the pure-oxygen ovaries to Silly Sammy who's smoking crystal meth, exploding him to death]

Brett Mobley:
Tomorrow's episode of Silly Sammy is gonna be weird.

Captain:
A great job on the case, gang. Thanks to your lifelong alcoholism and your decrepit lady parts, we were able to bust up the entire ring.

[after the organ case was solved, Captain opens up a package and sees a note]

Chris Monsanto:
[narrating] "Dear Captain, after we took down Silly Sammy, we returned all the organs to their rightful owners, but there was still one body part unaccounted for. If you happen to find it, take it for a spin around the block for us, would ya"?

[as Captain opens up the package some more, he found something special]

Captain:
A party dink. Irene, I'd like to see you...in our bedroom. [smiles afterwards]

Chris Monsanto:
Well, well, well. Stem-cell thieves.

Susie Wagner:
The lowest of the low.

Brett Mobley:
The people version of dogsh*t.

Stem-Cell Thief #2:
Okay, we surrend--

Chris Monsanto:
Certainly won't go quietly. I didn't think so. [punches Stem-Cell Thief #2]

[Chris cuts one of Stem-Cell Theif #1's arms with a circular saw]

Brett Mobley:
YEAH, CHRIS!

[Chris cuts out the other one of Stem-Cell Theif #1's arms]

Brett Mobley:
Okay, Chris. All done. [said it happily]

Chris Monsanto:
You're right, Brett. We should be heading out, but first, I'll beheading this guy.

[Chris cuts off Stem Cell Thief's head]

Chris Monsanto:
Now, who's the brains of this operation? [still cutting]

Susie Wagner:
CHRIS, STOP! [to Stem-Cell Thief #2] I am so sorry about your friend.

Chris Monsanto:
[grabs Stem-Cell #1's brain] I hope you're kosher for bash-over. [bashing the thief's brain with his fist]

Brett Mobley:
Ugh. Too soon.

Chris Monsanto:
[cackling]

Susie Wagner:
[to Chris] You're just stressed out. All you do is work. Maybe you need a hobby. I do yoga and go grocery shopping.

Brett Mobley:
I raise puppies -- From the dead.

Chris Monsanto:
[sighs] Guys, I appreciate it, but I know how to relax, you know? I don't just kill perps all day. Sometimes after work, I'll swing by the cemetery and piss on their graves.

Brett Mobley:
Then the zookeeper comes by, and he says, "Sir, you can't stand in the gorilla cage -- Unless you win the big dance competition, that is". Then I won! The end. What do you think?

Susie Wagner:
Well, a novel's usually longer and written down.

Brett Mobley:
I didn't ask for notes.

Chris Monsanto:
Oh, geez. I must've fallen asleep and had one of my traditional day terrors.

Rocco:
[repeated line] A-bow-wow.

[Brett and Susie still finding Chris]

Susie Wagner:
He never came back to the bar. Where else would someone go bluesin'?

Brett Mobley:
Smurf Village? Hopefully not the south side, though. It's filled with sm...Smurfrican Americans.

Susie Wagner:
...

[Chris and Deke & The Growlers head to the Blues House]

Deke:
This is sacred ground, lads. Feast your eyes.

Greg:
Bruce Willis' harmonica.

Rocco:
Jim Belushi's Brother's sunglasses. A-bow-wow.

Deke:
If it pleases you, uh, the Growlers and myself would be honored to set this house-a-rockin' tonight.

The King of the Blues:
I'm afraid that's not possible, Edekial -- Not tonight, not ever. Which reminds me... [pulls up his gun getting ready to shoot himself]

Chris Monsanto:
Hey, guys, what are you doing here?

Susie Wagner:
We've been looking all over for you. Someone's planning on detonating a dirty bomb on Grand Square --

Chris Monsanto:
Oh, who cares? Old Blind Willie's about to start performing, and this old-timey-blues douchebag crowd isn't buying any barbecue pork poppers.

Old Blind Willie:
[singing] My woman done gone and left me, she done run herself away, my dog done got himself eaten, by a larger dog today. I got the blues.

Brett Mobley:
What is this trash? I wish I was blind in my ears.

Chris Monsanto:
[talks about Old Blind Willie] I'll take care of this old fake with extreme prejudice. Not the racial kind, sweetheart, okay?

[Old Blind Willie gets killed by a harmonica from Chris]

Old Blind Willie:
Oh, sh*t.

[then Old Blind Willie turns into a Complete Blue Box DVD Set]

Security Guy:
Excuse me, you'll have to go through the checkpoint. Sir? Ma'am?

Hermaphrodite:
I'm sorry, but I see a male queue and a female queue. I happen to be neither. So, if I were to be patted down by either a male or a female, it would be a violation of my constitutional rights.

Security Guy:
Okay. You can go through.

Captain:
Well, it's happened again. That damned hermaphrodite has waltzed into the courts and blown away another judge -- Third time this week.

Chris Monsanto:
Ugh. Disgusting these he/shes. [spits]

Brett Mobley:
Yeah. [spits]

Chris Monsanto:
Brett, clean that up.

Chris Monsanto:
Well, I say we bullet this boychick.

Captain:
Easy, Monsanto. It's our own fault for not patting him/her down. The only legal way to catch it is for onw of you to get an injection of hormones that'll temporarily turn you into a shim. Then you'll run a third security line, and we'll finally stop this ungodly thing from killing another [sighs] judge.

Chris Monsanto:
Well, that sounds like a lot of fun, Captain, but, uh, unfortunately, Chris Monsanto doesn't do things halfway. If you're gonna hook me up with a coffee bean, there's no way I'm keeping my tea leaf. Sue! [leaves]

Captain:
Huh?

Brett Mobley:
Yeah, I'm probably gonna be tied up with work stuff for a while. [referring to his spit]

Susie Wagner:
No. It's always me.

Captain:
Congrats, young lady. You just earned yourself a bonus.

Susie Wagner:
Money bonus?

Captain:
Oh, no. I was referring to the bonus genitals you'll be sprouting.

[Dr. Gardner explains when he turns Susie into a man]

Dr. Gardner:
This testosterone should put you right in the gray zone, making you neither man nor woman, yet, at the same time, both.

Hermaphrodite:
Good morning, sir. Ma'am. Guess I'll be going through.

[Susie Wagner appears as a manly security guy]

Susie Wagner:
[deep voice] Can you please extend your arms?

[as Hermaphrodite extends they're arms, Susie found a rifle]

Hermaphrodite:
You can't take that from me. I know my rights.

Susie Wagner:
Go f*** yourself.

Hermaphrodite:
Can and do. [runs away, but got killed instantly]

Chris Monsanto:
So, I looked the guy square in the eye, and I say, "Okay, pal, you've convinced me. You're innocent". Unfortunately I was looking at his eye. The rest of him was in a watery grave somewhere.

Chris Monsanto:
You know something, guys? There is nothing like some solid man time to talk about what we do and do not like the ladies to wear.

Brett Mobley:
I'm a skirts-and-dresses kind of guy. When they wear pants, it makes me want to PUKE!

Chris Monsanto:
BOOYAH! [imitates] I like a nice b'keen with all the fixins.

Chris Monsanto:
Hey, Little Dude, how about you? What do you like?

Susie Wagner (Little Dude):
You know what I like to see a lady in? The kitchen. [laughs]

Chris and Brett:
...

Chris Monsanto:
Yeah, wearing what?

Susie Wagner (Little Dude):
A b'keen?

Chris Monsanto:
YEAH! A B'KEEN!

Brett Mobley:
B'KEEN!

Captain:
A bit of a disturbing case today, gang -- A series of attacks on local livestock last night. Witnesses say they saw some kind of creature.

Susie Wagner (Little Dude):
[deep voice] YEAH! LET'S GET THIS THING!

[Susie Wagner (Little Dude) tackles and eats the goat]

Brett Mobley:
Little Dude, what are you doing?!

Chris Monsanto:
Brett, it's called police work. He's imitating the killer to try to get inside its mind. It's good to know that at least one of my partners isn't a complete mook. [referring to Susie]

[Brett looks at his mirror]

Brett Mobley:
Little Dude this, Little Dude that. All Chris can talk about is how great Little Dude is.

Brett Mobley #2:
Tell me about it. Little Dude ain't so hot. He's just a ball of fur with some teeth.

Brett Mobley:
I know. That's what I'm saying.

Brett Mobley #3:
I don't know, guys. I think Little Dude's pretty cool. If I was you, Brett, I'd blow my brains out.

Brett Mobley #2:
Shut the f*** up! You're just jealous because Brett's always coming to me for advice.

Brett Mobley #3:
That's because all you do is kiss his ass!

Brett Mobley:
AAH! BRETTS, STOP FIGHTING!

[Farmer comes in to the Marshals' Office to bring his dead deer]

Chris Monsanto:
Sir, if you want that taken in, there's a tailor down the block.

Farmer:
Marshal, my farm was attacked last night by a leaping beast with a semi-human face.

Chris Monsanto:
Hmm, Jackie Chan must be in town.

[after Brett got taken to court and confess that he massacre all of the farmer's animals, which he didn't]

Brett Mobley:
So, you see, your honor, my client, A.K.A. me, A.K.A. the town's infamous animal shredder, A.K.A. Shredsie to local tall-tale tellers, was behind the whole thing, but only if it means that Chris will like me.

[Susie goes back to its normal body while still being in Brinks Prison Island]

Glorm:
Ugh! Who the hell are you? Where's Little Dude?

Susie Wagner:
It's me! This is how I normally look.

Frib:
[vomits]

Glorm:
You're not one of us.

Susie Wagner:
But, Glorm, I thought you said that it's what's inside that counts.

Glorm:
Eh, Glorm say a lot of things.

Frib:
GO HOME, NORMO!

Susie Wagner:
YOU GUYS ARE JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE! [leaves]

Glorm:
Yikes. Time of the month, huh?

Frib:
More like b*tch of the year!

Chris Monsanto:
Beloved editor, eh?

Captain:
The killer added that. We haven't found any evidence that this editor was loved by anyone.

Chris Monsanto:
Oh, come one, Cappy. Even a lowly video editor can find somebody with a fatso fetish. Can you imagine what the bottom of that guy's chair smelled like?

Brett Mobley:
You mean the wheels?

Chris Monsanto:
Hey, Brett.

Brett Mobley:
[literally shuts down]

Captain:
In any event, this beast left behind a new "In Memoriam" reel.

Susie Wagner:
Great! We can dust for prints.

Captain:
Oh, no go, Susie. I already had it dusted for dust. Damn germophobia.

[Captain plays the "In Memoriam" tape showing all the actors dead]

Susie Wagner:
Wait a minute, none of the actors are dead.

Captain:
That's right, Susie. But they were all in the cast of the obscure action thriller -- [brings up a movie dvd]

Chris Monsanto:
[gasps] Partners In Crime? Only my favorite movie of all. I had Gene Shalit framed for wife beating when he gave it one star.

[Chris and the gang go to Tinselwood]

Brett Mobley:
Wow! Tinselwood Dry Cleaning! Abelman's Lighting Rental! Madame LaForge's Wax Holocaust Museum!

Susie Wagner:
Quit looking at landmarks and start looking for clues, Brett. We've got a case to crack.

Brett Mobley:
I see a landmark -- World's Biggest B*tch.

[Brett literally sees a World's Biggest B*tch on landmark]

Susie Wagner:
So, where do we start?

Chris Monsanto:
Well, sweetheart, why don't we start with the prime suspect -- That washed-up sack of sh*t, Jeff Pooley.

Susie Wagner:
The failed actor?

Chris Monsanto:
Uh-huh.

Susie Wagner:
I heard he cried himself to death.

Chris Monsanto:
No, honey, he is very much alive. And if my hunch is correct, he's still bitter about being cut out of "Partners In Crime".

Susie Wagner:
So, where do we find him?

Chris Monsanto:
[mockingly] So where do we find him? Ugh!

[Chris throw his drink at a Tinselwood citizen]

Tinselwood Citizen:
[to the viewers] Why'd he have to go and do a thing like that? [gives the viewers a thumbs down]

Chris Monsanto:
Ah, here we go -- Map of the Faded Stars' Homes.

Brett Mobley:
Does it say where Swamp Thing lives?

Old Woman:
I need something for my allergies.

Susie Wagner:
Oh, I-I don't work here. But...I hear these are pretty effective.

Old Woman:
Thank you. Do you sell exit bags?

Susie Wagner:
Oh, try aisle four.

Chris Monsanto:
Okay, Susie, enough of the star sucking.

Chris Monsanto:
You know, Brett, the only life-form lower than an actor is a failed actor, and this place is lousy with them. I bet there's a wait list to jump out the window.

Jeff Pooley:
Yes?

Chris Monsanto:
Hi! Mr. Pooley, I just want you to know I am such a huge fan of yours. It's such a pleasure to meet you.

Jeff Pooley:
Thanks.

[Chris punches Jeff Pooley]

Jeff Pooley:
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!

Chris Monsanto:
I'm here to put you in a movie. It's called "I'm the Guy Who Confessed to Killing the Cast of 'Partners In Crime'.

Jeff Pooley:
No, you got the wrong guy, Marshal.

Chris Monsanto:
Oh, I don't think so, Pooley. In fact, I think this might be your big BREAK!

[Chris breaks one of Jeff Pooley's bones]

Jeff Pooley:
OHH, GOD! OHH! That isn't me! I ain't bitter. I-I just spoke to Levain last week.

Brett Mobley:
Levain? Who's that, some kind of guy?

Jeff Pooley:
E.D. Levain! He -- He wrote and directed "Partners In Crime".

Chris Monsanto:
He calls, says he wants to put me in his new movie. That's right, things are really heating up for me. There's a lot of buzz around Jeff Pooley these days.

Brett Mobley:
You know what else has a lot of buzz around it, Pooley? HORSESH*T!

[Chris sees himself on trades]

Chris Monsanto:
"Achievement in sticking your nose where it don't belong". [chuckles]

Susie Wagner:
What's going on?

Businessman:
Joel -- The hot, new pharmacist. Sorry, Susie. That's how it is in the pharm biz. I'll need your coat. [leaves]

Businessman #2:
[to Susie] You looking for work? I got a pharm-trunk out in the valley. I could use a pretty girl like you. Your life is about to change, little lady.

Businessman #2:
For the worst, I mean.

[Susie become a trunk pharmacist]

Man:
Hurry up, skank. I got to go find my kids.

Susie Wagner:
Okay, here are you painkillers and your date-rape drugs.

[Susie tries to settle the drug couple to stop fighting]

Brett Mobley:
That drug dealer looks like my work Mom.

[Chris and the gang sees E.D. Levain directing dead actors that he's killed]

Brett Mobley:
This guy's cuckoo bananas for Cocoa Puffs and bananas.

[E.D. Levain sees a boom in the shot]

E.D. Levain:
Boom in the shot! BOOM IN THE SHOT!

[Chris appears holding the boom operator]

Chris Monsanto:
And in the director.

Susie Wagner:
Why, Levain? Just to do a remake of "Partners In Crime"?

E.D. Levain:
Not a remake -- A spoof. It was going to be the greatest spoof of all time. But these ungrateful actor didn't want to be in it. So I had to kill them and shoot the movie with their corpses.

[as Chris sees the script again, he wipes the blood off the title and what it's actually called Fartners In Slime]

Chris Monsanto:
Too bade nobody's gonna see it. Brett, take that film outside and burn it. Then take the ashes to the desert and bury them. And then, uh, kill yourself so you don't accidentally blab about it, okay?

Brett Mobley:
10-4.

[after Chris and the gang watches Fartners In Slime]

E.D. Levain:
Finish it, Chris. Finish it.

Chris Monsanto:
Alright. [shoots E.D. Levain]

Susie Wagner:
I think he meant finish the movie.

Civilized Old Guy:
Sir, please. I wasn't aware. Who are you, sir? WHO ARE YOU?!

The Scatman:
[scatting] BAM!

[Civilized Old Guy intestines explodes]

The Scatman:
I'm The Scatman.

Captain:
he calls himself The Scatman. He's been knocking off rival crime bosses, and now he's going after innocent, uh, civilians?

Susie Wagner:
If we really want to catch this guy, we need to set up a wire tap, get a court order...

Chris Monsanto:
Or we can just round up all the lowlifes in town and treat them/beat them like human piñatas until one of them talks/squawks.

Captain:
I like Monsanto's plan. It's easier on the budget.

Brett Mobley:
Well, you haven't heard my plan yet.

Captain:
Yes, Mobley?

[Brett goes back to his seat knowing he doesn't have a plan]

Susie Wagner:
So, we're just gonna torture people?

Captain:
Unless you got another suggestion.

Susie Wagner:
I just gave you one.

Chris Monsanto:
Well, look what the cat dragged in.

Brett Mobley:
[chuckles] Yeah. Chris thinks that you look like a cat.

Chris Monsanto:
What do you know about The Scatman?

Burglar:
...

Chris Monsanto:
Oh, I see. Well, you're a little tight-lipped, huh? And a lottle tight-cheeked. [getting ready to bruise the burglar]

Captain:
Not here, Monsanto. We just had the floors done. Take them out to the Beat Shack.

Susie Wagner:
What?! No. I'm sick of you guys using my apartment to beat up suspects.

Chris Monsanto:
Susie, come on. Your place is perfect.

Susie Wagner:
My neighbors have been complaining about the screaming.

Brett Mobley:
Well, maybe they need a trip to the Beat Shack.

Chris Monsanto:
[to the criminals] Fellas, welcome to the Beat Shack, not to be confused with thee men's tug club of the same name.

Susie Wagner:
Okay, I'll be outside. Try not to get blood on the plants and keep the noise down.

Chris Monsanto:
Okay, whatever, honey.

Radio Marshal Guy:
Come in, Monsanto. Someone reported hearing a head pop on fourth and national. Monsanto, do you copy?

Susie Wagner:
This is Junior Lady Marshal Wagner. I'm on it.

Radio Marshal Guy:
Who?

Susie Wanger:
Hey! Freeze! Where's The Scatman?

Jacket Criminal:
I ain't spilling!

Susie Wagner:
Look, you can tell me, or you can wait till Chris Monsanto finds you and brutally beats you.

Jacket Criminal:
Brutally?

Susie Wagner:
Yeah. But I'll be nice. What do you say?

[Jacket Criminal throws a book at her to get away]

Susie Wagner:
HE'S GONNA FIND YOU AND BEAT THE SH*T OUT OF YOU!

Dr. Gardner:
Oh, hello, Susie. That was quite a little party you had last night.

Susie Wagner:
What?

Dr. Gardner:
You'd better watch it, missy. I heard some crazy things in there. And if you keep it up, you're gonna catch a disease like sex rash -- And deservedly so. That's a shame. There are so many people that deserve a sex rash -- The skeezers and teasers and the out-to-pleasers, the down-on-their-kneezers. I'd give them all a sex rash.

Dr. Gardner:
[singing off key] 'Cause we've all heard the story about those crazy birds and the bees. But what they didn't tell ya is that human genitalia is a cesspool of disease. Oh. Oh, sex rash.

Dr. Sinclair:
Is that you, Gardner? That's a real catchy tune.

Dr. Gardner:
Dr. Sinclair.

Dr. Sinclair:
You ever think of putting it on record?

Dr. Gardner:
Never occurred to me. [instantly put his shades on]

[Dr. Gardner gets a second career by singing]

Dr. Gardner:
Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, sex raaaash!

Dr. Sinclair:
Cut! No!

Dr. Gardner:
I'm sorry.

Dr. Sinclair:
No. Where's the magic I heard yesterday?

Dr. Gardner:
I'm sorry. I can get it back. Let me just have one more take.

Dr. Sinclair:
It's the song. It's missing something.

Dr. Gardner:
No. It's me. I don't have what it takes.

[Dr. Gardner disappoints himself in shame while being inside the recording studio]

Chris Monsanto:
You got a real good beating coming to you, pal. You picked the wrong day to spray-paint "Hooray for The Scatman" on the side of the Marshals' Office.

Brett Mobley:
Yeah, unless it's the Scatman's birthday. Then you picked the perfect day.

[Chris injects the truth serum on Brett]

Chris Monsanto:
Brett, you gonna hurt this guy?

Brett Mobley:
Yes.

Chris Monsanto:
Where's The Scatman?

Jacket Criminal:
I forget. Maybe a couple of knocks to the old brain box will help me remember.

[Chris and Brett beats up the jacket criminal, but the jacket criminal enjoys it]

Jacket Criminal:
Oh, yeah! Oh, that's great! [laughing] Oh, yeah! Maybe a couple of shots to the kidneys.

[Chris and Brett beats him up again]

Jacket Criminal:
[moans]

[cuts to the next scene where Dr. Gardner is sitting in his bed hearing all the ruckus coming from Susie's room, but did not notice that Chris and Brett are in their beating a criminal up]

Dr. Gardner:
WHORE!

[the next day where Chris and Brett started to grow tired of beating the criminal up to tell where The Scatman is]

Chris Monsanto:
Oh, forget it. I give up. This guy's harder to break than a lease in tel aviv. Come on. Let's go get drunk.

Brett Mobley:
Whoo! My hands are sore.

Chris Monsanto:
Yeah.

Brett Mobley:
Hey, tomorrow, do you think I'll get big puppy pillow hands like a boxer has?

Chris Monsanto:
Oh, Brett, no. You know what? I think you're thinking of gloves. We'll work on that concept.

Brett Mobley:
Gloves?

[Susie sees the same jacket criminal again where he got beaten up by Chris and Brett]

Susie Wagner:
Why didn't you listen to me, dummy?! I told you Chris would beat you up.

[as Susie was about to wipe the blood off of the criminal]

Jacket Criminal:
AAH! OKAY, I'LL TALK! I'LL TALK!

Susie Wagner:
Why are you screaming? I'm just trying to be nice.

Jacket Criminal:
AAH! NICE?! YOU'RE KILLING ME!

Susie Wagner:
I'm trying to help you!

Scatman's Brother:
STAY AWAY FROM ME! I'll talk! I'll talk. Scatman -- He's not my boss. He's my brother. My big brother.

Scatman's Brother:
And my boss.

Scatman's Brother:
Back before he became the monster called Scatman, he was the monster called Scatboy. He used to terrorize my parents. He'd scat the house apart. There was nothing they could do about it.

Scatman's Brother:
They thought maybe he'd be happier if he had a little brother, but he didn't want no little brother. He tried to scat me right out of the womb, but I survived. But because of what he did, I had what's know as fetal scat syndrome. My neurons were flipped. Pleasure was pain, and pain was pleasure.

Scatman's Brother:
When I grew up, he made me join his gang on account of no cop could ever beat a confession out of me -- Till now.

Susie Wagner:
So... [touches Scatman's Brother shoulder]

Scatman's Brother:
AAH!

Susie Wagner:
Do you want to tell me where Scatman is? [said it calmly]

Scatman's Brother:
Stop it!

Susie Wagner:
I don't want to hurt you. I just want to make you feel better. [hugs Scatman's Brother]

Scatman's Brother:
OH, MY GOD! HE'S ROBBING A BANK TONIGHT AT THE OLD RESERVE BUILDING! [exhales sharply] I SWEAR! [faints]

Susie Wagner:
[on his walkie-talkie] This is Junior Lady Marshal Wagner. I just blew this case wide open.

[The Scatman tries to crack open a bank vault]

The Scatman:
Bee. Bap. Doo. Wap. Bee, bap, doo, wap. BAM!

[as The Scatman opens up the bank vault, it's revealed that Chris and his gang were hiding in the bank vault the entire time]

Susie Wagner:
Sorry to disappoint you, Scatman, but we're not money.

Chris Monsanto:
No, but I do have something that's 6 inches long and green. Sorry, sweetheart -- Guy talk.

[after Susie finally defeats The Scatman]

Chris Monsanto:
Well, congratulations, Junior Marshal Wagner. I guess from this day on, you're a lady no more.

Susie Wagner:
[happily claps]

Chris Monsanto:
[tired] Yeah, okay.

[Susie meets Scatman's Brother again]

Susie Wagner:
Oh, hi.

Scatman's Brother:
Hi. I just wanted to come and apologize to you for going to Chris instead of coming to you first. But I knew that he would give it to me bad, which feels so good.

[cuts to the next scene, where Dr. Gardner wakes up after hearing all the stuff what Scatman's Brother just said in Susie's room]

Dr. Gardner:
OF COURSE! [writes notes as he sings] You give it to me bad, which feels so good, I got a sex raaaash.

[cuts to the next scene where Dr. Sinclair also wakes up after hearing Dr. Gardner's voice completely not out of tune]

Dr. Sinclair:
Jackpot! Boogie time.

[cuts to the next scene Dr. Gardner sings Sex Rash with a better song this time]

Dr. Gardner:
Oh-oh-oh, giving me a sex rash. You give it to me, bad, bad, bad, which makes me feel so good. I got a sex raaash!

[back to the original scene]

Scatman's Brother:
Will you forgive me?

Susie Wagner:
[pulls up a hammer] Does this answers your question?

[Susie whacks Scatman's Brother with a hammer]

Scatman's Brother:
[laughing] Oh, Susie, you're the best!

[then Susie keeps on whacking Scatman's Brother with the hammer for their enjoyment, while the moon feels disgusted after hearing all the noises they're making]

Moon:
Well, now I've seen everything. [shoots himself]

Chris Monsanto:
He's got us pinned down. I guess tonight we're gonna be in heaven partying with Hume Cronyn...or in hell playing grab-ass with Jessica Tandy.

Brett Mobley:
I don't know who these people are.

Chris Monsanto:
Hi. I'm Chris Monsanto, U.S. Marshal, and what you just saw was one of the exciting practice drills we performed here in the Marshals Office every day. If you like excitement, danger, and the pride you get from serving your country, well, then, stay tuned. You might just have a career in the Untied States Marshals Services.

Chris Monsanto:
You know, people often come up to me and ask, "Hey, Chris, what's your favorite part about being a U.S. Marshal"? By then, of course, I have the purell out and I'm hauling ass down the street. [laughs] But, seriously, uh...you know, if I had to pick one, I'd have to say it's the amazing fighting moves I've mastered over the years, moves that you can learn, too, like the "Please to Meet Me". "The Bearer of Dead News". "Leapfrog". And the "Death Punch".

Chris Monsanto:
Plus, moves too shocking to show in this video, like the "Baltimore Forklift"...the "Reverse Bar Mitzvah"...and the dreaded "Bananas Foster".

Chris Monsanto:
And now I'd like to introduce two very special people -- My subordinates.

Brett Mobley:
Hi. I'm Marshal Brett Mobley, and--

[cuts to the next scene]

Susie Wagner:
Hi. I'm Marshal Susie Wagner, and I'm here to tell you what a great place the Marshals Service is for women. Here, men and women are treated equally, and it's getting more equal all the time.

Susie Wagner:
For instance, the amount of words a female Marshal is allowed to say per month just went from 200 to 445. And now, with rollover words, whatever I don't say in one month carries over to the next. Am I choosing mine carefully? Well, let's just say--

[suddenly a buzzer alarms, meaning Susie has ran out of words remained, and can no longer speak throughout this orientation video]

Announcer:
Being a United States Marshal is tough. It requires extreme focus, intensity, and alertness. Not everyone has what it takes. But now you can, with Marshal Boost.

Announcer:
Marshal Boost is a partially natural supplement that gives Marshals the energy they need to get the job done.

[shows a scene where Chris snorts Marshal Boost in one of his nostrils]

Chris Monsanto:
IT'S MARSHAL TIME!

Susie Wagner:
Marshal Boost is a Lady Marshal's best friend. It keeps me alert and focused, but, most importantly, it helps controls my mid-morning, lunchtime, and dinnertime hunger pains.

Brett Mobley:
If it wasn't for Marshal Boost, a guy like me might turn to drugs. Plus, it's completely safe!

[as Brett snorts the Marshal Boost, he then starts to have an extreme trippy, tortured nightmare sequence]

Brett Mobley:
[sees cosmos in his hands] It's real. It's so real. It's f***ing beautiful.

Announcer:
Marshal Boost. The Marshal's secret weapon for 20 years.

Announcer:
Side effects include loss of appetite, irritability, and uncontrollable facial tics.

Chris Monsanto:
If you become a Marshal, you can follow in my footsteps, all the way to Tinselwood. That's right. You know, a few years ago, some Tinselwood bigwigs took notice of my amazing exploits and cast me in the ficitional role of Texas Range Chet Mason in the syndicated series, "Honor Thy Marshal".

Chris Monsanto:
I had some reservations at first. For one, I didn't think my marshalling skills would translate to rangering. And, also, I thought it was a little confusing that my character was a ranger since the title of the show had the word "Marshal" in it.

Chet Mason:
Have you cracked that code yet?

Sam:
I told you, this is really hard.

Chet Mason:
Here, let me have a look.

[as Chet Mason sees the code, he understands what it mean in his vision]

Chet Mason:
Got it! Let's go!

Sam:
Could you go without me?

Chet Mason:
Sam, you're completely useless.

Chang:
Mwah! Eyelashes! We have all the eyelashes we need to crush your pathetic economy.

Chet Mason:
Seems like you've got it all figured out, Chang. There's just one thing you Chinese haven't perfected.

[Chet Mason gets out of the rope]

Chet Mason:
Tying knots.

[as Chet Mason gets out of the rope, Chet uses the ropes to tie Chang's arms and gives to his two horses to rip Chang's arms apart]

Chet Mason:
Well, I guess the Chinese arms race is over.

Conan O'Brien:
Hi. I'm Conan O'Brien. Several years ago, I executive-produced a program called "Honor Thy Marshal", starring U.S. Marshal Chris Monsanto as Texas Range Chet Mason. One look and I knew I had a massive hit on my hands.

Conan O'Brien:
Not the show and not Chris Monsanto. They were -- They were terrible. No, I'm talking about co-star Travis Hunt and his fabulous catchphrase, "Nice, bro"!

Conan O'Brien:
I was so sure this was gonna be the next big thing that I had 14 million "Nice, bro"! t-shirts, hats, and mugs printed up at the show's expense.

Conan O'Brien:
The show premiered to a 1. rating, and "Nice, bro"! failed to take the country by storm for reasons I still don't quite understand. In what can only be described as an act of panic-induced cowardice, I snuck into Travis' house one night and tried to end both of our lives.

Conan O'Brien:
Travis, as you probably read in his memoir, "Step Up to Dream", handily disarmed me and later snuck into my house and settle the score. I did what my lawyer said was well within rights to defend myself, and beyond that, I'm really not allowed to comment.

Conan O'Brien:
Anyway, the "Nice, bro"! merch blew pretty much our entire season's budget.

[as Conan talks about how his show blew his seasons' budget, he shows a clip of an Honor Thy Marshall's 3rd episode called Honor Thy Budget]

Chet Mason:
I'm looking for Peabody.

[Chet Mason then gets punched]

Chet Mason:
[narrating] At that moment, my whole life flashed before my eyes.

[shows a bunch a random clips from the last episodes of Honor Thy Marshal]

Chet Mason:
And then I came to -- It was time for revenge.

[executive producer Conan O'Brien credit intensifies]

Chris Monsanto:
Yeah, "Honor Thy Marshal" was a real body blow. Knocked the wind right out of me. But I still got a few irons in the fire, so I'm, uh, pretty excited about those, and I'm -- Ah, who the hell am I kidding here? I got nothing going on.

Chris Monsanto:
Ugh. Look at me. 51 year old man. It's pathetic. This stupid hat on my head. Why am I wearing this hat? Dumb. Where does this even take place? Look at my f***ing vest. Ooh, it's leather. Wow, tough. I got black pants on. Everybody loves the black pants.

Chris Monsanto:
I hate my life. I hate myself. I hate everybody here.

Chris Monsanto:
Alright. Enough of that. Time to crack open a cold bud, as in Budd Dwyer. Remember him, folks? [gun c*cks] Ah, maybe this'll remind ya. You might wanna throw a tarp over that camera, guys.

Susie Wagner:
Chris! Gasoline Jake and his crew are at the Natural History Museum. Turns out they've been smuggling heroin inside the T-Rex bones.

Brett Mobley:
Well, my pastor said that the dinos all went extinct 'cause they all went gay.

[Chris snorts more Marshal Boost]

Chris Monsanto:
EAGLEHEART!

Kesi:
Welcome, everyone. Tonight we unveil the latest work by the remarkable artist, Gleeko.

Gleeko:
Evening, pigs.

Thug:
Your money -- Now. Turn around.

Person:
...

Thug:
I said, "about face".

Chris Monsanto:
I'm sorry. What about my face? You mean... [unmasked his face back mask] this face? How about this face?

[Chris rips a thug's face]

Brett Mobley:
Oh, nice move, Chris. Say, can I borrow that face? 'Cause there ain't no way they're serving this face at Gordy's Pizza anymore -- Not after what I pulled.

Susie Wagner:
You know the rules. His family gets 7 days to claim it.

Holst:
Marshal Chris Monsanto. I didn't know you were an art fan.

Chris Monsanto:
Hey, pal, the only art I give a sh*t about is in the Garfunkel style, as in Art Garfunkel.

[Chris captured Holst]

Chris Monsanto:
Know what I always say? I always say every criminal deserves one final meal. Let's see what your was.

[Chris shoots Holst right in the gut, as his blood splatters over the wall]

Chris Monsanto:
Ugh. Vegetable lasagna. Blech! What a girl.

[after Chris shoots Holst, the customers were interested of the blood splatter]

Buyer:
I bid $50,000.

Chris Monsanto:
What are these phony jabronies doing?

Susie Wagner:
They think that splatter you made is art.

Gleeko:
[to the customers] Hey...pigs? Uh, jackals? Gleeko...over here.

Susie Wagner:
The art world loves you, Chris.

Brett Mobley:
You're gonna be rich, buddy.

[Chris suddenly gets cartoony dollar signs effect in his eyes, knowing that he's rich]

[Eagleheart intro intensifies]

[as the episode starts off at the City Hospital, this scene shows where Chris gets his cartoony dollar sign eyes removed from Dr. Gardner]

Dr. Gardner:
try not to do any heavy looking for a few days.

Chris Monsanto:
That was really painful. And I haven't gotten your bill yet. [laughs] Uh, seriously, how much is this gonna cost me, Doc?

Dr. Gardner:
[looks at the camera] Oh, not too much.

[then Dr. Gardner suddenly gets cartoony dollar signs in his eyes as well]

Dr. Gardner:
OH, F***! NURSE!

Susie Wagner:
Congratulations, Chris. The gallery bust got a great write-up in the art section.

Brett Mobley:
Art section? They should call that "The Funnies" on account of what a joke it is. And they should call The Funnies, "The Obituaries" because no one slays me more than Ziggy, Hagar, and the rest of the gang. And they should call real Estate Sports.

Chris Monsanto:
Brett, why don't you run down to the morgue and find yourself a drawer?

Susie Wagner:
I can't believe those people think you're some kind of artist now.

Chris Monsanto:
I know. Stupid, isn't it?

Susie Wagner:
Who are you gonna donate the money to? I'm working with this great organization that gives fat suits to starving people to boost their self-esteem.

Chris Monsanto:
Yeah, if I gave this money to charity, I'd just look like I'm Melinda gates with a better tit job. No, I think Chris Monsanto's probably just gonna shove this money away in an old jock strap and forget about it, huh?

Marshals Police Radio:
Marshals, come in. We've got a 617 at the corner of Rutledge and Millbury.

Susie Wagner:
617. That's the attempted rape of the Governor.

Brett Mobley:
So, then I started hiding out in the garbage can behind Gordy's every night with the hopes that he would toss out some old pizza right into my pizza hole. Turns out Gordy was using said garbage can to do you-know-what with a half-eaten calzone. I mean, I guess he was working out his pizza demons, if you know what I mean.

Chris Monsanto:
Hey, there's our guy. Freeze!

Battista:
I ain't going back to the joint. You're gonna have to kill me, Monsanto.

[then Chris just got an idea]

Chris Monsanto:
Uh...not quite yet. [points to the wall] Over there. over there.

Battista:
Okay.

Chris Monsanto:
Mm...no. Keep moving.

Battista:
Okay. [goes to a white blank canvas wall]

Chris Monsanto:
Yes. Right...there.

[Chris blood splatters Battista at a white wall making his art]

Chris Monsanto:
Ah, I guess I'm a genius after all, huh?

Susie Wagner:
Chris, you didn't have to shoot him.

Chris Monsanto:
Honey, it's called street art, okay? It's very hot, very happening, very now.

[Chris calls Kesi on telephone]

Chris Monsanto:
Kesi, hi. Yes, it's Chris Monsanto. Listen, I have a new piece, and it's called, um, Spined Over Splatter.

[Arty Woman talks about Chris Monsanto's blood splattering artwork]

Arty Woman:
My favorite piece -- Man Shot After Lunch. There's little bits of food in it, so it seems really authentic.

Fan Girl:
Chris?

Chris Monsanto:
Yeah?

Fan Girl:
Chris, will you do my dress?

Chris Monsanto:
Uh, okay. [gun c*cks at a random guy] Sorry, pal. I can't disappoint the fans.

Random Guy:
Wait, wait, no!

[Chris shoots a random guy at a club line making blood splatters on a Fan Girl's dress]

Fan Girl:
I'm wearing a Monsanto.

[Gleeko tries to get into the club]

Gleeko:
Then you will need to check it again. It's "Gleeko", G-L-E-E-K--

Bouncer:
You're not on the list.

[Bouncer sees Kesi]

Bouncer:
[to another Bouncer] This one's good. Let her through.

Gleeko:
Hey! Kesi! Why haven't you returned my calls, honey? I finished some great new garbage.

Kesi:
God, Gleeko. You bore me. The best thing you can do for your career right now is die.

Gleeko:
Kesi! Wait!

Bouncer:
You heard her, pal. Go. Die...if you know what's good for you.

[then Gleeko and Bouncer are still standing and staring at each other while mid-tempo music plays]

Susie Wagner:
You wanted to see this sexual predator before we process him?

Chris Monsanto:
Yes, I do -- Right over there.

Chris Monsanto:
Let's take a look here. Uh, okay. Let's do one in the neck and one in the large intestine.

Brett Mobley:
[gun c*cks] Spray cheese.

[Brett shoots the sexual predator's blood onto Chris' art]

Chris Monsanto:
Okay, good. Get that over to Kesi and tell her its' called, uh, With Six You Get Egg Roll Or Three Cheers For Puddin' Pops. I don't give a sh*t.

Susie Wagner:
You don't even do your own work anymore?

Chris Monsanto:
Susan, the mere fact that I'm in the room when it happens means it's graced by my gift.

Marshals Police Radio:
Marshals, come in. There's been a massacre at the new image art gallery.

Susie Wagner:
A massacre. Let's shake a leg.

[Susie sees Chris still at his desk]

Susie Wagner:
What?

Chris Monsanto:
I can't do it. You know, that place shows the most dreadful landscapes. Really -- Just mothball stuff. Can't do it.

Susie Wagner:
[angry]

Chris Monsanto:
[tired] I will. Okay.

[Chris and the gang comes by the art image gallery and sees a few corpses]

Susie Wagner:
Well, what do we have here?

Art Critic:
The Savage Depiction of the Plight of Illegal Immigrants.

Susie Wagner:
Mm. Powerful stuff.

[sees two guys trying to saw the artwork]

Susie Wagner:
Hey, hey, hey. What are you doing? This is a crime scene.

Art Critic:
Sweetheart, this is a Gleeko.

Chris Monsanto:
A Gleeko?

Arty Woman:
Look who it is -- Yesterday's news.

Art Critic:
Or should we say, yawnsterday's snooze? It's all about Gleeko now.

Brett Mobley:
I bet he could get one of those coveted non-sticky booths at Gordy's no problem.

Art Critic:
Well, that goes without saying.

Susie Wagner:
He killed 4 innocent men.

Chris Monsanto:
Yeah, and he ripped me off, too! Okay, Gleeko. You're get the chair for this -- And 10 to 20 for the dead mexicans, too.

Chris Monsanto:
Gleeko!

Gleeko:
Monsanto. Came to see a real artist at work, huh?

Chris Monsanto:
Actually, no. [pulls up his gun] I've come to paint mixed media -- Brains and guts.

[after Chris loses the fight from Gleeko, Gleeko grabs Chris' gun]

Gleeko:
Let's put the goo in "Guggenheim".

[as Gleeko shoots Chris, the blood splatters out Eat at Gordy's]

Gleeko:
Ah, what the f***?

[what Gleeko didn't realize is that Chris was wearing bulletproof paper that said Eat At Gordy's]

Chris Monsanto:
Hey, looks like you sold out.

Kesi:
You're doing advertisements?

Gleeko:
What?

Kesi:
This is not good, Gleeko -- Not good.

Gleeko:
I'm not some commercial whore.

Chris Monsanto:
You're gonna be rich -- Rich beyond your wildest dreams.

Gleeko:
No.

Chris Monsanto:
You're gonna be eating caviar out of gold-toe socks.

Gleeko:
No.

Chris Monsanto:
Yeah.

Gleeko:
NO! MY FACADE OF INTEGRITY!

[then Gleeko gets cartoony dollar signs in his eyes, making his original eyes explode to death]

Chris Monsanto:
Well, you know what they say -- Live fat, die old, and leave a weird-looking corpse.

[Brett sees Gleeko's dead]

Susie Wagner:
I know. It's sad.

Brett Mobley:
No, that's not it. Looking at this pile of goop on the floor makes me think of a Gordy's supreme. Guess I won't be having that anymore.

Kesi:
Gordy's? Yes, Gleeko had just ordered some. I guess we'll have to toss the rest.

Brett Mobley:
Gordy's? [sees a pizza box]

Brett Mobley:
[to Kesi] Follow me.

[cuts to the next scene where Kesi seduce Brett eating pizza]

Kesi:
[narrating] It was a thing of beauty -- Performance art like I'd ever seen. An idiot in a trash can, agape, begging the world for its garbage. He was a true genius...and I was in love.

[then Kesi started to get Brett's heads in her eyes]

King Otis:
Oh, we're gonna have a feast tonight! 'Cause I may not have much on this here Earth, but I do got the one thing that no one can take away from me...my imagination.

SWAT Solider:
That's what you think.

[suddenly, an group from SWAT soldiers took King Otis away from the train]

Spoons:
The King. THEY GOT THE KIIIING!

Chris Monsanto:
[sniffs] Ugh! Do you guys smell something weird? Susie, you didn't sleep over at the Estonian guy's house again last night, did ya?

Spoons:
Marshals, I need your help. They got King Otis. They -- They got King Otis.

Chris Monsanto:
Wait a second, Mr. Stink. Who are you?

Spoons:
My Father was Mr. Stink. You call me "Spoons".

[as Chris is sleeping, a floating pack of cooking fuel poured in Chris' mouth to bring some alarming news from King Otis]

King Otis:
Monsanto. Save me. I beg of you.

Chris Monsanto:
King Otis?

King Otis:
You are our only hope. There isn't much...time. You must -- Oh, boy.

[King Otis vomits on Chris]

Chris Monsanto:
Oh, my god. You're dying.

King Otis:
Nah, that's just my usual 4 A.M. mouth blast.

[Chris and the gang have a chat with Spoons about the soldier stealing King Otis]

Spoons:
I think they was soldiers. They put his head in a machine what looked like a hat.

Brett Mobley:
How did know his hat size?

Susie Wagner:
I don't think that's important.

Spoons:
I think they took him to break into his mind, steal his imaginations.

Chris Monsanto:
Well, who would want a Tramp's crummy flights of fancy? I mean, cornbread and tits, cornbread and tits -- That's all you get.

Spoons:
Why, Marshal, there's nothing more powerful in the universe than a Tramp's imagination. We can dream up anything.

Susie Wagner:
Do you remember any details about the kidnappers?

Spoons:
Uh...I'll show you.

Spoons:
Oh, boy.

[Spoons throws up beans as he draws the details about the kidnappers with his beans]

Chris Monsanto:
You know, we do have a lovely selection of pens in the office.

[meanwhile, after the SWAT Soldiers captured King Otis]

General:
What kind of weapons has this dirty old codger dreamed up?

Soldier:
Sir, we've come up with one very promising item. We call it The Heathcliff, A.K.A. "The Homeless Garfield". It's a multipurpose tool for our men in the field. First, it's nourishment.

[the Soldier gulps down the fish's meat and pulls it out showing it's bones like a cartoon effect]

Soldier:
It's also a comb, a toothpick, a xylophone, and a razor-sharp bayonet.

General:
I like it. What else do ya have?

Soldier:
Well, we have a top hat with a springe-open lid and a daisy and a mouse canoe made out of a hot-dog bun. We're still working on a way to keep it from getting waterlogged immediately.

Brett Mobley:
I hope they have bathrooms inside. I got to dip my snake in boys' room lake.

Susie Wagner:
Brett, be quiet and stay down.

Spoons:
Kiss her.

Brett Mobley:
What?

Spoons:
Go on, kiss her. My boy, there is nothing better in the world than kissing a pretty girl's lips. You don't do it now, you'll regret the rest of your life.

[Brett kisses Susie]

Susie Wagner:
BRETT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Brett Mobley:
SPOONS TOLD ME TO!

Susie Wagner:
Well, don't listen to Spoons!

Brett Mobley:
You're my first!

Gun Soldier:
This is a restricted area. Put your hands up.

Chris Monsanto:
Oh, sure, if you don't mind me putting these on first.

Gun Soldier:
Brass knuckles? You're gonna need more than that to get through us, son.

Chris Monsanto:
Well, these aren't brass knuckles. They're magnet knuckles.

[Chris uses his magnet knuckles to pull the soldiers close, busting their heads]

Chris Monsanto:
And I think they got through ya just fine.

[Chris drinks the cooking fuel to hear the story about who Spoons really is]

Spoons:
See, Chris, we Tramps ain't like your kind. We ain't even from this world. We come from a planet light-months away. We call it Arania, but you know it as Plaxor. It's a barren land with nary a vittle or citter, but we didn't need nothing on account of fancy fuel.

Spoons:
It flowed like rivers, and when we drank it, ain't nothing we can't imagine. But then our planet ran dry. Tramps was starving. So, King Otis and his court traveled the galaxy looking for a new source. They found it on Earth. Your kind calls it Sterno. Otis would drink the fancy fuel, then beams those imaginations back to Arania.

Chris Monsanto:
So, if Otis can't send up his visions, your planet will die.

[Spoons' vision ends where Spoons sticks out his tongue at Chris]

Chris Monsanto:
HEY!

Spoons:
Oh, sorry. I thought you had a piece of parsley stuck in your teeth.

Chris Monsanto:
[suspicious] Yeah. Okay.

Soldier:
Sir, I believe we have something. It's a boot that sings Al Jolson songs.

Singing Boot:
[singing] Strollin' down the promenade with an ice-cold lemonade!

[Chris shoots Soldier]

Chris Monsanto:
Well, General, looks like your soldier just went A.M.O.L. -- Absent MitOut Life.

General:
Monsanto...join me. With his imagination, we could rule the world together.

Chris Monsanto:
Sorry, General, no can do. If you would ask me a couple of days ago what a Tramp needs, I would have said a hot shower and a good beating. But, you know, I've learned that these guys are kind of special. And from now on, when there's something about a bum that makes my eyes water, it's not gonna be their smell. It's gonna be the size of their heart.

Singing Boot:
Mammy.

Chris Monsanto:
Just call me the Jazz Slinger.

[after Chris, and his gang saved King Otis and experience Arania, it turns out it the adventure was a coaster ride throughout the entire episode for some non-explained reason]

Susie Wagner:
That was fun.

Chris Monsanto. Yeah.

Brett Mobley:
Hey, look.

[Chris and the gang sees they're photo from Tramps - The Adventure Ride]

Chris Monsanto:
Look at that. They think I'm paying 14 bucks for that, they've drinking too much fancy fuel.

Brett Mobley:
Hey, let's go ride that Sky Crime Coaster again.

Chris Monsanto:
Bath time's over, Bunju.

Bunju:
Who are you?

Chris Monsanto:
I'm Chris Monsanto, U.S. Marshal. But you can call me Calgon, 'cause I'm about to take you away.

Chris Monsanto:
I hope you're a Brian Setzer fan, because you're gonna swing, baby.

Bunju:
I love Brian Setzer.

Chris Monsanto:
Ugh. I like you even less now.

Brett Mobley:
I'm here at Winley Air Force Base, where reporters have gathered to await the arrival of General Martin Bunju of Mubao, one of the most brutal dictators this reporter has ever heard of.

[Brett passes the mic to Susie who's standing right in front of him to the next scene, after talking about Bunju]

Susie Wagner:
I'm so tired.

Bunju:
[happily] It is I, Bunju, the Monster of Mubalo! I look forward to detailing my atrocities in your international court. I think you will be most horrified.

[Susie takes Bunju to the car]

Susie Wagner:
In. We're taking you to a safe house so we can monster-sit you until your trial.

Bunju:
All of us in one car. Please, in my country, a man of my stature does not ride in a car with a woman.

Susie Wagner:
Well, this isn't your country.

[cuts to the next scene where Susie gets forcefully into the car trunk instead of Bunju]

Bunju:
...And I went on to win the election in a landslide. By that, I mean I had all opposing candidates crushed under rocks.

Bunju:
Seriously, look at me. So crusty from flying. I could sure use a blood bath right now.

Chris Monsanto:
I got to tell ya, Bunju, you're a hard guy not to like. You're a real solid bastard.

Bunju:
You are right. I am the pits.

[Chris reads the opening of Scribblers 8]

Chris Monsanto:
"Get ready for fun as 2 to 9 players add, subtract, multiply, and divide their way to victory". Geez. Where's old red, huh? She'd eat up this egghead crap like it was fried shrimp.

[Chris, Brett, and Bunju plays Scribblers 8]

Brett Mobley:
What are you doing? You can double your roll if you have passies on the yellow line.

Chris Monsanto:
Moron, you had triple 7s the last time you landed on a free square. You're not even supposed to be touching the dice.

Bunju:
[happily] Is fun, right?

Chris Monsanto:
Yeah, right. It sucks.

Bunju:
Not sucks. Just flip the multiplier coin. If it comes up red, you can try and roll double 8s.

Brett Mobley:
[rages]

[Susie Wagner plays Scribblers 8 while still inside the car trunk]

Susie Wagner:
This game makes no sense.

Narrator:
But the game made perfect sense. It was Marshal Susie who had not the brain power to grasp it.

Susie Wagner:
That's not true.

Narrator:
All you need to do is cross two triple-power scores of greater value and you get a bonus word.

Susie Wagner:
WORDS?! WHA -- I THOUGHT THIS WAS A NUMBERS GAME!

[while Chris, Brett, and Bunju get inside the car]

Bunju:
Marshals, I don't think we're supposed to leave the safe house.

Chris Monsanto:
Put a cork in it, banjo. We're going back to the office.

Brett Mobley:
MAYBE SOMEONE THERE WILL TEACH US HOW TO PLAY THIS STUPID GAME!

Bunju:
[happily] It's fun.

[while Susie is still figuring out how to play Scribblers 8]

Narrator:
You need double 8. Roll the dice, Susie. But not the blue dice.

Susie Wagner:
SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

[one of the Marshals tries to figure out how to play Scribblers 8]

Marshal #1:
This game blows.

Bunju:
Not blows. It's fun.

Chris Monsanto:
Well, maybe you should stick to stapling people's eyelids to their nutsacks. Your game's a real stink box.

Bunju:
Don't hate the game. Hate the Scribbler.

[Susie askes Uncle Avery about Scribblers 8]

Susie Wagner:
What can you tell me about Scribblers 8?

Uncle Avery:
Scribblers 8? It's here? Checkmate.

[Uncle Avery slits his throat to death]

Susie Wagner:
OH, MY GOD!

[after Uncle Avery is dead, Susie sees an unusual tape that says "Watch If I'm Dead]

[then Susie plays the tape on TV]

Uncle Avery:
[on TV] If you're watching this, I just slit my own throat, which means that Scribblers 8 has spread to America, a prospect too terrifying for me to bear. Scribblers 8 was created by an African inventor, Martin Bunju. He came to America to pitch this atrocious game on the hit show "Inventican Hero". But he was laughed out of the studio.

Uncle Avery:
Humiliated, Bunju went back to Mubalo and entered politics. He rose to power through peaceful democratic elections, eventually becoming a benevolent, progressive-minded president. But he never forgot his real dream. He made Scribblers 8 Mubalo's national pastime and purged the country of all the other games. It didn't take long for the whole country to spiral into an annoyance-induced orgy of bloodshed.

Uncle Avery:
If you're watching this, heed my words -- Scribblers 8 is not fun.

[then Uncle Avery slits his throat on tape]

Susie Wagner:
Bunju's not evil at all. It's the game.

Uncle Avery:
[talks to Susie while on tape] That's right. It's... [ends the tape]

Uncle Avery:
[the same guy who killed himself after making his tape] ...the game. [dies for real]

[Chris tries to kill Brett]

Chris Monsanto:
[to Susie] Hey, get over here, will ya? For some reason, Brett does not want to be murdered.

Brett Mobley:
Yes, I do. I'm pulling!

[Chris, and his gang sees the civilized people killed while Bunju is tied to a stick]

Chris Monsanto:
Bunju, you killed the witnesses and the executioners? Wow.

Susie Wagner:
Don't you see, Chris? Bunju didn't kill anyone. He never has.

Bunju:
Liar!

Susie Wagner:
Oh, really?

[Susie grabs Bunju's hands to her neck]

Susie Wagner:
Strangle me.

Bunju:
...

Chris Monsanto:
Squeeze, Bunju, squeeze!

Bunju:
Her neck is slippery.

Chris Monsanto:
Bunju, say it ain't so.

Bunju:
It's true, Chris. Bunju not evil. My whole life has been a lie.

Chris Monsanto:
But what about the blood baths?

Bunju:
Just tomato juice, Chris. Just tomato juice.

Brett Mobley:
Of course. Bunju is skunkproof. Tomato juice is a skunk's worst enemy, and he's been bathing in it for years.

Narrator:
Monopoly will play Scattergories against checkers, and chute will lie down with ladder!

Narrator:
Martin, it is time we become one and fulfill our destiny.

Chris Monsanto:
NOOOO!

Narrator:
YEEEES. Just like in our deal that we worked out.

Chris Monsanto:
Bunju, Scribblers 8 is not fun! No board game is fun! Families just play board games so they don't have to talk to each other!

Bunju:
Really? Not fun?

Brett Mobley:
Yes! This game sucks! Let's do something else!

Narrator:
The words! He has said the seven words! NOOOO--

[the Narrator got defeated]

Bunju:
You have ended it, Brett...by saying the words as written in the prophecy -- "This Game Sucks. Let's Do Something Else".

Susie Wagner:
What a gorgeous day. It's nice to get out of the Marshals Office every once in a while.

Chris Monsanto:
[scoffs] Outdoors. I hate this place. Give Chris Monsanto a hot rag and a cold potato and call it a night. Now, that's a living.

Brett Mobley:
Ha, you said it, Chris. Look at these dumb trees. They're like the Starbucks of the forest. What's next? They build a tree inside of another tree?

Chris Monsanto:
Brett, do me a favor and try swallowing your tongue, would ya?

Brett Mobley:
Okay.

Susie Wagner:
I hate the people in my life.

Rucker:
Name's Rucker. I'm head logger on this development.

Chris Monsanto:
Well, Mr. Rucker, I'm Marshal Chris Monsanto and I have to tell ya, I think you're doing the Lord's work here chopping down these sap-soaked eyesores. They're really nothing but needle parks for birds, am I right? [spits]

Rucker:
I like the way you spit at things, Marshal.

[as Chris sees Darius and his gang that killed loggers]

Chris Monsanto:
Ugh. Hippies. Okay, Brett, Susie, follow me. We're about to turn Woodstock... [shotgun c*cks] into Woodstock '99.

Darius:
Marshals! Thank mercy you're here, and not a moment too soo--

Chris Monsanto:
[gunshot the sky] Okay, show's over, patchoulia stiles. Time to pack up your stink and get out of here.

Darius:
But they're the ones terrorizing us.

Chris Monsanto:
[points the shotgun at Darius] You got about three seconds before I hack your sack, Jack.

Tim:
The wood are a holy pace, Marshal Monsanto.

Darius:
A sanctuary where one can revel in the beauty of nature. We mean no harm. We only wish to make and sell our crafts.

Hippie Woman:
They're made entirely from the fruits of the forest -- Handcrafted beads [shows a rope with tooths on it], a back scratcher [shows a severed arm], or this bearded purse. [shows a purse with a dead face on it]

Susie Wagner:
Are these crafts sustainable?

Hippie Woman:
We hope so.

Susie Wagner:
Well, I think that's just great. Chris, maybe we shouldn't be so quick to judge. I'll take one back scratcher, please.

Hippie Woman:
Cash only.

Susie Wagner:
...

[Chris sees Brett still swallowing his tongue]

Chris Monsanto:
You can stop that now.

Brett Mobley:
[talks while his tongue was brutally bleeding] Thanks, buddy.

Susie Wagner:
I'm worried about Brett. His shift has been over for a while now.

Msabu:
The lion is hungry say Msabu. God is happy. He plays with us.

Chris Monsanto:
Yeah, okay, whatever you say there, Msabu. Hey, Susie, great job on these diversity hires.

[Brett comes back from his shift]

Brett Mobley:
Hey, guys!

Susie Wagner:
Where have you been?

Brett Mobley:
Well, don't tell anybody this, but while I was out on patrol, I marked my territory.

Susie Wagner:
...

Brett Mobley:
My territory is my pants.

Chris Monsanto:
Okay, uh...look, Brett, why don't you give Msabu here a break? The lady needs a few more rinse and repeats. Her hair is filthy. [referring to Susie]

[before Chris was about to leave for the night]

Msabu:
Marshal Chris! Beware of the woods. She get her hook in you...she keep you.

Chris Monsanto:
Okay, well, thank you for that, Msabu.

Chris Monsanto:
Susie, do me a favor and try not to trick Msabu into getting you pregnant?

Susie Wagner:
Get mauled!

[after Chris have sex with a tree, Chris wakes up the next day while naked]

Chris Monsanto:
[anxious] Okay, well, obviously I, uh -- I just fell asleep next to this filthy, disgusting tree here. [chuckling] That's all that happened.

[then Chris sees all the animals look at him knowing what he did last night, and then later, he took a shower, crying in his own shame]

Chris Monsanto:
Okay, pop a sock in it, Country Joe. Otherwise you're all gonna be following the dead. And by dead, of course, I'm not talking about the band, although certain members of the band possibly, but not -- [sees the same owls that sawed him do stuff with the tree last night]

Chris Monsanto:
AAH! [shoots the owls]

[after the loggers were about to doze the trees down, Chris thinks about his tree he hump last night and decided to change his mind]

Chris Monsanto:
No, wait!

Tim:
It's a forest miracle.

Rucker:
What the hell are you doing, Marshal?

Chris Monsanto:
Well, I was just thinking, Ruck, that, uh, maybe we should leave that tree standing. Maybe we can make it into, like, a tourist attraction, and then, you know, families could come an -- And pay money to -- To urinate on that filthy, disgusting bastard tree.

[before Rucker was about to get to cutting down Old Gary, Chris use a chainsaw to cut one of Rucker's arms off]

Rucker:
MY DOZIN' ARM! [to his left arm] IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN YOU!

[then Susie realizes where that severed arm comes from, after she wanted a backscratcher from the hippie woman]

Susie Wagner:
[to Hippie Woman] Those goods weren't fruits of the forest. You make me SICK!

Hippie Woman:
No refunds.

[once again, as Rucker told his other loggers to cut down Old Gary]

Saginaw:
Stop! You cannot cut this tree down!

Rucker:
Why?

Saginaw:
Because...she's pregnant.

[all the people were surprised]

Rucker:
Somebody f***ed Old Gary.

Logger:
Who could have done this?

Darius:
It was me. I admit it. I made love to that tree.

Chris Monsanto:
But...

Tim:
I did, too.

Rucker:
Damn it to hell, I did, too. It's my secret shame.

Chris Monsanto:
[to Old Gary] You WHORE!

[Old Gary managed to push out a baby tree that Chris saved]

Susie Wagner:
Chris, you did it! You saved this...thing. Is that why we're here? I don't even know anymore.

Brett Mobley:
Old Gary was a lady tree?

Rucker:
That baby's gonna be a whore, just like her Mama.

Chris Monsanto:
YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

Rucker:
I ain't raising no devil's child of many fathers.

Chris Monsanto:
Well, it don't need you. Darius? Guys?

Dairus:
Um...I got a lot going on right now.

Chris Monsanto:
Oh, okay. So that's how it is, huh? Well, what happened to all that talk about the beauty of nature?

Saginaw:
Nothing beautiful about weird tree baby.

Saginaw:
The Marshal worked for weeks, building what remained of Old Gary into a home for him and the child. He knew they were no longer welcome in the world of man. The child grew, and the Marshal tried to love it...though he could never know if it was truly his own.

Saginaw:
As is the way, the child matured, and the Marshal knew it was time for it to start out on its own. They were never to see each other again.

Saginaw:
Years passed, then centuries. Outside the forest, the world of man found new ways to end itself, with war and suffering, until nothing remained. The cabin began to crumble, the woods crept in, reclaiming it for nature, but this mattered not to the Marshal...for the Marshal...was home.

[shows a scene where Chris turns into and old tree and winks at the viewers]