Xavier: Renegade Angel

Farmer:
If we only had rain!

Xavier:
Rain...it's just God's tears. I know a shamanic Navaho rain dance, that hasn't just blown MINDS. Its's blown ducks. 'Tear ducks'.

Farmer:
I'm willin' to try any precipitation boogie you've got.

Xavier:
Heeya-haa-heeyaaawww shucks. I forgot it! But we can jog my memory, with the Lakota memory-joggin' dance.

Farmer:
Just show me, how?

Xavier:
Aya-hu! Ay...can't remember the memory-joggin' dance. I know the irony is rich, so all we have to do is the Iroquoi irony-melting dance and we'll be golden.

Farmer:
Do you remember that one?

Xavier:
Of course! This noodle is a steel cage! But only God can do that dance, and it has to be raining...that's the 'irony' part.

Farmer:
DAMN THIS CIRCULAR LOGIC!

Xavier:
Society is about to end, girl. And it's up to us to start repopulating the planet.

Farmer's daughter:
I suppose...

Xavier:
Really? OH! I just repopulated my pants.

Xavier:
If these be my last words, then I'd like to leave this world with one final thought: Me no wanna die, mommy! Waaahhh!

Xavier:
I'd love to hug you, mother.

Xavier's Mom:
[whispering] Right into my plan.

[Xavier's Mom turns his son into a bowl full of chili]

Jingle Boys:
[singing] Slippytown Village Chili Slide Park, yeah!

Slippytown Village Announcer:
Flume through the Loop-De-Legume Con Carne and chill in our sclading three-alarm kiddie pool!

Commercial Kid:
I bean slidin' down the beef pipe all day!

Commercial Mexican Kid:
You'll jalapeno pants.

Starving Woman:
This is how starving people cry.

Xavier:
A crying lady! I'll help you. I'm a feminist. I'll make sexism my b*tch. Sexism will be all like, "Oh Xavier! You're so strong! Kissy kissy! You can hit me. I like it."

[Xavier then touches the starving woman into a grinder]

Starving Man:
Honey, I found a corn nibler-- Huh? Have you seen my ex-wife? She was just here.

Xavier:
I have some bad news and a snack for you. How can I break this easy? [also touches the starving man into a grinder]

Xavier:
[after he angers the Aztec sun god] You people have angered the Gods! Why? But I have an idea. We must sacrifice [holds the baby] someone to cuckold and pacify this mexi-global war, mang.

Xavier:
Please get my mommy, so I can tell on you!

Xavier:
What is this place, and who am I? I don't remember my name. All I remember is that I don't know my name and that I can't remember if I do know my, um, uh, I have the strange feeling that I've forgotten all of this before. I forget if I remember that these doors have always been here.

Xavier:
This must mean I've saved a life. I'm some sort of life-savior? Wonder where's my reward.

Xavier:
[enters a realm where the world unfolds in reverse, sees a man hit by a car] I'm too late. If I had been at this poor meat in time, he'd still be a delicious man.

[then the same car that just run over by the guy got reversed back to life]

Xavier:
HEALED?! In this odd dominion, driving backwards over people can mend them.

[gets in a car and drives backwards down the street]

Xavier:
People, hurry, get *in* the way! I'm committing vehicular manburger helper, and it tastes like pure liquid relief. Best part is, I'm helping the earth, getting negative thirty miles to the gallon! Oh, the cops wanna hone in on my heal-deal. I'll let them co-bask in my reflective glory!

[the police officers reversedly hit Xavier healing him but actually hurting him]

Xavier:
Huh. I seem to have bruises and lumps on my face.

Xavier:
[has multiple fingers] Four words, men. Thanks. Count 'em 'n' weep.

[Xavier then gets punished into the reversed guillotine]

Xavier:
[while his head cut off in a basket] Ooh, free shrimp.

[Xavier then gets placed into the guillotine reversedly while still having his head cut off]

Xavier:
I don't feel so good. My tummy hurts.

Xavier:
[Walking back into the room he just walked out of] Smells like a real creep been in this room.

Barcode Man:
[shooting a line of animal-headed people execution style] Do you believe in God?

Sheep:
Yes.

[gets shot; hummingbirds fly out of his head]

Barcode Man:
Do you believe in God?

Hummingbird:
Yes.

[gets shot; sheep jump out of his head]

Barcode Man:
[points gun at Xavier] Do you believe in God?

Xavier:
That's a complicated question. It depends on what you mean by "God". You see, I...

Barcode Man:
Yes or no?

Xavier:
It helps no one to be reductive. I believe that that we are here implies to some degree that there are forces larger than us. Now, we can get into the semanticalities...

Barcode Man:
*Yes* or *no*?

Xavier:
[smokes a pipe] The very notion of belief itself can be rhetorically whittled to the bare nub of its meaning.

[attempts to hand the man a pamphlet]

Xavier:
I'd like to talk to you a lot more about this. Would you be interested in reading some of my literature?

Barcode Man:
NO!

[Barcode Man shoots himself]

Xavier:
[Xavier is returned to the room of doors in Barcode Man's clothing] So, it was me all along! Now I understand what's happening here, I just need to go through the black door.

Woman's Voice:
Congratulations. You may now begin to play the game...

Xavier:
Of life... ["life" echoes]

[as Xavier goes to the black door, he then gets transported in the same stranded desert while playing his shakashuri where he say his monologue throughout every episode in the opening of the show]

Xavier:
God has put me through his reamer, but I've come out the other side with his calling ["calling" echoes] in my ear!

Xavier:
Does anyone know how to get to the lake... the lake?

Xavier:
I just needed a hand -- To tame the beast.

Xavier:
I'm a thought-ocoster. I'm a conundrummer in a band called Life Puzzler.

Xavier:
[thinking] What Doth Life? Are we just fleshy blips in some meaningless tew of cosmic oblivion? Or is it vice-reversa? Is our every trollop through fate's garden infused with a mystic-- [gets hit by a bottle]

Clip:
Hey, bunghole, cease that inner yapping.

Xavier:
I don't want no trouble, mister.

Clip:
Freak! If you didn't want trouble, you shouldn't have wandered into Burbury Connecticut.

Xavier:
Please, I'm just a simple seeker on a spirit quest to discover... What Doth Life?

Clip:
We don't got no freaks here in Burbury, and we's done hate freaks with open, unquenchable cans of philosophical thirst-worms.

Xavier:
You shattered my shakashuri.

Bully:
I hope y'all can play it 3 feet up your ass.

Xavier:
Don't know. But I'd sure like to try.

Clip:
What you gonna do, bird-beast, fly away on your cuddle bone?

Bully #2:
Yeah, cuddle this b-b-b-b-b-bone.

[throws the bone from his private area]

Bully:
Best stay away from that weirdo. You'll catch the feline aids.

Bully #2:
Yeah, from me. M-m-m-meow.

Bully #2:
What's the matter, Ch-Ch-Chicken? Frightened? Or do you prefer, What's the matter, Chicken? F-F-Frightened?

Burbury Visitor Info:
Welcome to Burbury. What are looking for?

Xavier:
Well, Ma'am, I suppose I'm seeking a deep strata of truth. Perhaps you can answer the one question that has plagued thinkers for all time. [typing] What Doth Life?

Burbury Visitor Info:
One moment, please. Processing. Processing. Processing. Processing. [distorted] Processing. Processing. Depth Overload. Depth Overload.

Xavier:
I'm a survivor. We're a dying breed.

Xavier:
[echoes] Life. You could say it started when I was a kid.

Xavier:
Like most folks, I've always been different, but not like the others.

Xavier:
Other kids could be cruel. They'd call me names -- Dweeb, Chimp, Honky, Dweeby Chimp, Honky Dweeb, And, worst of all, Chompsky Honk.

Xavier:
Did you know there's over 87 combinations of those soul-scalding words? I found out the hard way. [echoes] Life.

Xavier:
Went to the prom with a model, but she left with some jock. Dyke. But then I felt something in my gut -- The palpable suspicion that I had a deeper calling in life.

Xavier:
I was groping enlightenment in my bedroom, and before you could scream "murder by arson," our house was on fire. Couldn't save my parents.

Xavier:
Powers are for the weak. I have no powers. I mean, unless you count the power to blow MINDS with my weapons-grade philosophical insights.

Xavier:
Hell, I flipped more lids than a soup kitchen of the MIND.

Bully #2:
Is that f-f-freak h-harassing you? Or would you prefer "her ass in" you?

Xavier:
Let me write that down.

[attempts to literally write the same words he said]

Xavier:
"write that down."

Chief Master Guru:
You must love the earth like you love your mother. Kiss your mother, youngling. Go on. Harder. She wants it harder.

Xavier:
It hurts.

Woman:
You gave me a nasty gash.

Xavier:
I better take a look at you stat. I'm a certified wahockamana healer.

Chief Master Guru:
In order to heal this wound, you must play a shakhashirisk wind trance.

[Xavier plays the instrument horribly]

[rainbow ignited randomly]

Chief Master Guru:
Your failure is merely a portent of dissapointments to come.

Young Xavier:
Wow, that's me years from now. I look cut. Hey, that's a nice chunk of chicken on my arm.

Xavier:
Look, we're in his vision -- my vision. Hey, shake hands with your future, old friend.

[Young Xavier's hand get burned from reaching]

Xavier:
Ooh, Frittata. Later, chompsky honk.

Xavier:
Yeah, tricked the trickster. See still got the scar the prove it.

Xavier:
Look at the two of us. We can be like Beauty and the Beast. What do you say? Will you be my beast?

Xavier:
I'm watching a woman washing. I wish I could see myself watching washing.

Xavier:
If the computer virus is infecting people, then I need to get a human virus to infecticide the computer.

Xavier:
I need some of that disease you guys invented.

U.S. Army Man:
Crack?

Xavier:
The other one.

U.S. Army Man:
AIDS?

Xavier:
That's the spice.

Xavier:
Just got to dump this load in that dirty 'puter's floppy slot and collect my kudos.

Xavier:
You can all fret not. I have the cure right here.

Clip:
Cure? Give me that.

Xavier:
You don't want to drink that.

[Clip drinks the aids]

Clip:
Ahh. Cure-alicious.

[starts to get aids]

Clip:
Is it working?

Bully #3:
Yeah, Clip, it's working. Just go towards the light.

Clip:
Is that you Grandmama. Oh come here.

[Clip and Grandmama starts kissing each other like lesbians]

Grandmama:
Oh, Clipple.

Xavier:
Now's not the time, but your brother died of shameful lifestyle choice.

Chief Master Guru:
Youngling, you must tame the beast with soul-soothing song.

Xavier:
No time to gab. I've got to cobble together a makeshift Shakhashiri to tame a certain beast. See yourself out.

Burbury Visitor Info:
That music -- So soothing. Its the notes he's not playing.

Xavier:
Here's a new philosophical query for you to chomp on.

Man:
Oh my god! What a thought. It's intense!

Xavier:
You and I both knew what we had couldn't last. I do love you. But the love of my life is a lady named "Ramblin' On."

Xavier:
[thinking] So maybe we are just blips in a void of nothingness. And now it's time for me to walk away. [echoing] Walk away, walk away.

Man:
Hey, where you headed, mister?

Xavier:
Whichever path frau destiny sets beneath this seeker, this pupil of the universe is as good as any.

Man:
Cool. Check this out.

[shows his penis, then spurts out blood]

Xavier:
They say 'tis often the tiniest among us hath the biggest need. You hear that? Of course I do. I'm the one who asked.

Xavier:
Easy, stranger. Your leg looks dislocated pretty bad. I'll pop it back in, but it's gonna hurt. Ready? Inhale. Hold. Hold. Hale. Always glad to help my brethren in the kingdom of life.

Man:
What in the human intimates you doing, freak? Bestial-ulating that skeeter?

Man:
You see what this weirdo here is saying?

Man #2:
Wait, which weirdo?

Xavier:
I believe that we are all one. By helping this tiny mosquito, in a way, I'm helping your mother.

Man:
He's comparing the universal oneness of all life to your mama!

Xavier:
Take that! Taste the pain!

Man #2:
My eye! My visual connection to this beautiful world has been severed!

[the Mosquito struggles after he got done beating the bullies that bullied Xavier]

Xavier:
What's wrong? You're flying all funny. Did he clip you?

Mosquito:
Twas my only chance to save these younglings. Forgive mmm... [unintelligible buzzing]

Xavier:
To be a hero, you have to go looking for trouble. Wherever there is suffering, I was there. Wherever there is injustice, I was there. And where there is crying... I'm right here.

Xavier:
What's wrong, kid?

Percy:
These guys -- they were Mexican, they were gang members, and they smashed my mascot costume.

Xavier:
You need to slow it down. Relax. Inhale. Hold. Hold.

[Xavier randomly drink in front of him]

Xavier:
Ahh. Hold. Hold. Little longer. Hold.

[Percy gets in a coma for inhaling]

Xavier:
Hale.

Xavier:
Now, who did this to you?

Percy:
These guys -- these Mexicans -- they carved their tag on me, and I was supposed to be the new mascot of the team, and they we're Mexicans, and they ruined my costume --

Xavier:
I could be your costume. Do you think you can fit inside me?

Percy:
No, but you could tell people I'm inside you and go put on a show as the mascot and make everyone love me, 'cause they think it's me, not you.

Announcer:
Hey there, ho there, ladies and gentlemen. Your crazies have a brand-new mascot who's played by Percy Handfisher, A sophomore whose parents were recently killed in a thresher.

Announcer:
Troubled High, give a warm, troubled, hey there, ho there to your trouble cra-a-zy!

Dance Music:
Are you prepared for this moment? Are you prepared for this moment? Are you prepared for this moment? Are you prepared for this moment?

Xavier:
Frittata.

Announcer:
Hey there, ho there, ladies and gentlemen, the opposing team is so intimidated by your troubled crazy mascot, they are forfeiting the game thanks to Percival Handfisher.

Fan:
Percy, I want to be your girlfriend! I want you, Percy!

Mexican Gang Leader:
You did good, Percy. Sorry for beating you up before.

Xavier:
I can take it. I'm tough enough to join your little gang.

Mexican Gang Leader:
Nobody has ever survived out initiation. Come give it a try. Here's my card. It's got embossed-gold 12-point courier font on bone-white semigloss stock.

Mocho:
Bone white? I thought we all agreed to get eggshell white. Absurdity!

Mexican Gang Leader:
I'm the leader! I say bone white! [thinking] Its haunting elegance is so restrained.

Xavier:
Chief Master Guru, You have so many wisdoms left to teach me. Years of you and I together.

Chief Master Guru:
Of course, youngling. Uh, what's that behind you?

Xavier:
I don't see any-- [Xavier turns back to see the Chief dead] Chief Master Guru! I vow to ramble these worlds and find the evil ones who did this to avenge your death.

Chief Master Guru:
That gets rid of that headache. [teasing] Yes, avenge me. [laughs]

Xavier:
Chief?

[Chief Master Guru proceeds to play dead again]

Xavier:
I did it. You're a hit. Everyone loves you now. You even have a girlfriend.

Percy:
Really? Is he disabled?

Xavier:
Stay hidden for while. I want to infiltrate the gang. I just may have some avenging chief beef to queef.

Percy:
No, I can't stay down here.

Xavier:
Calm it down. Close your eyes. Inhale. [pulls up a portable radio by saying "hold" to distract Percy for a while] Hold. Hold. Hold. Hold.

Man:
I don't have your money, man.

Mexican Gang Leader:
Then I'm taking back what's mine. Now boil his blood and get our drugs back. Charge him a recycling fee.

Mexican Gang Leader:
I'm surprised you showed up,

Xavier:
Well, I'm not surprised about how much I like to do crime.

Mexican Gang Leader:
You just passed the first test.

Mexican Gang Leader:
We just ordered a pizza, and when it comes, you have to kill the deliveryman.

Xavier:
Okay, but I want to kill him outside, alone, in the dark.

Mexican Gang Member #3:
It's okay. We all have our own way of killing. Me, I like to kill on the beach.

Mexican Gang Member #4:
I like to kill to music.

Mocho:
It's kind of embarrassing, but I like to kill on the toilet. I think it's because, when I was a kid...

[Mocho's flashback intensifies]

Police Officer:
Kid, your mother just died.

[Mocho's flashback ends]

Mexican Gang Member #3:
Mocho, that's not why you like to kill on the toilet. That's why you don't like cereal.

Mocho:
Oh, yeah.

[throws the bowl of cereal that randomly appear out of nowhere]

Xavier:
You are supposed to be dead right now, but here -- 20 bucks. Get out of town and start a new life.

Deliverymen:
Hey, thanks, mister. Thanks for the shot.

[meanwhile with the Mexican Gang]

Xavier:
I killed him hard. Pulled out his heart and showed it to him, and he was like, "Nice."

Mexican Gang Leader:
Now phase two. You have to watch us eat the pizza with nary a slice for yourself.

Mocho:
Hey, he forgot our cuckoo-bread.

Deliveryman:
Uh, I know I'm dead, but I forgot to give you your cuckoo-bread.

Mexican Gang Member #4:
A g-g-ghost!

Mocho:
You got a ghost to bring us cuckoo-bread.

Mexican Gang Leader:
Percy! You have shown true loco spirit. I think you are a prime candidate for our annual Pauper-to-Prince program.

Mexican Gang Member #4:
I thought this was my year.

Mexican Gang Leader:
Once a year, we let one novice member sit in as gang leader for a week. I benefit, as I get to see the gang from a novice perspective, and then you benefit by experiencing the hardships that come with the administrative role that I play.

Xavier:
I'm game.

Mexican Gang Leader:
Percy, I crown thee temporary leader of the Local Locos.

Xavier:
What's on the docket for today?

Mocho:
Well, Wednesday night is Tag Tuesday, where we paint our tag all over town.

Xavier:
I propose a new loco tag -- Solid white.

Mexican Gang Leader:
Ooh, Minimalista.

[hours later spraying the walls white]

Mocho:
I can think so cleary without all the visual clutter.

Mexican Gang Leader:
Now everyone will know the Locos are crazy about postmodernist aesthetic contextual reframing.

Mexican Gang Leader:
Okay, Thursday night is Mailroom Monday. We just got our new shipment.

Xavier:
What do you do if the cops come knocking?

Mexican Gang Leader:
We toilet flush the drugs.

Xavier:
Let's stay one step ahead of the cops. Flush them now.

Mexican Gang Leader:
I like. One step ahead of the policia.

Mexican Gang Leader:
Friday night is Taco Tuesday.

Xavier:
This week, instead of eating tacos, let's just talk...oh.

All:
Oh.

Xavier:
So, who wants to spill it first? What do your heart spirits have to say to your mind-sacs?

Mocho:
I guess I tend to use my switchblade as a defense mechanism.

Mexican Gang Member #5:
You guys are the only family I have -- Maybe because you guys killed my family.

Mexican Gang Member #4:
Before tonight, I could never express myself with words. I always did it like this. ["La Cucaracha" plays]

Mexican Gang Member #5:
[crying]

Mexican Gang leader:
You're right -- Rape is not an excuse. It's a reason, and tonight, everything seems so reasonable.

Mocho:
I'm big now, but I recently dropped 230 pounds. Yeah, I dumped your wife! I guess I told that joke as a way to avoid the real issue. I love your wife. She dumped me.

Mexican Gang Member #4:
How do they expect me to stay out of jail? That's where all my stuff is.

Mocho:
Here's why I never take off my shirt when we go swimming. [shows his belly that drawed himself showing another belly as poop]

Mexican Gang Leader:
So she says, "Oh, that puppy is the cutest thing in the world." And it's like, I'm standing right here, Mom. I'm standing right here.

Mexican Gang Member #4:
Maybe I do have more issues than a magazine stand, but all those magazines are puro fancy. I wanted to be a vato. I just want to groom and train poodles.

Mocho:
I secretly groom and train poodles.

Mexican Gang Leader:
Are you guys messing with me? Whenever you turn your back, I secretly groom and train poodles. Watch. Turn you back. I'm doing it. I'm doing it!

Mexican Gang Member:
I can't see. My back is turned.

Xavier:
Passion -- This is what gangbanging ought to be about.

Mocho:
Oh, no. Shiny's coming to town, and he wants his drug shipment. We just flushed ourselves a death sentence.

Xavier:
Who's Shiny?

Mexican Gang Leader:
He's only the biggest drug dealer since Truman.

Mexican Gang Member #4:
He's so rich, he had every cell in his body platinumed.

Xavier:
Well, you just had every cell in your body passioned.

Xavier:
From now on, "L.L." stands for "Supportive Community of Connected Spirits."

Shiny:
You give up your game, and I'll get you a job at the Jobby Job Center.

Mexican Gang Leader:
I don't want Percy to be our leader anymore.

Mexican Gang Member:
You should have picked me.

Shiny:
[punches Xavier while talking] Give...Me...Back...My...Son! Wait...Sorry...I...Mean...Drugs!

Skeeter-Beast:
That'll give you time to reflect.

[throws Shiny into a boil of lava]

Shiny:
I accept Jesus Christ into my heart as my personal savior! Yes made it! [groans]

Xavier:
You were so sexy out there, Skeeter-Beast. You're my passion.

Skeeter-Beast:
Sorry, but I'm with someone who doesn't lie about who they are on the inside. Come on, Percy, lend me some sugar.

Xavier:
And now I ramble forth on my endless journey to be the greatest aid-spreader of all time.

Xavier:
They say when you die, you sh*t your pants. But not me, I'm gonna sh*t my heart.

Xavier:
You may have gotten checkmate, but we're playing Chinese checkers.

Xavier:
Fate. Destiny. Fatestinaty. People toss those words around like tennis balls. Well, I eat balls for breakfast.

[Xavier stops the Ink Blot's violence]

Xavier:
RORSCHACH ATTACK! Look out! it's pure violence con carnate!

Ink Blot:
I tried to tell you. I'm violent if you're violent.

Xavier:
But I'm not violent at all, Look.

[Xavier violates the people]

Ink Blot:
You killed those people.

Xavier:
Did I? [to the viewers] What he doesn't know is that I'm using reverse psychology on him.

Ink Blot:
I can tell you're trying to use reverse psychology on me.

Xavier:
That proves he doesn't know.

Xavier's Dad:
Son! It was you who killed me!

Xavier:
What kind of stupid name is yoohoo? [draws on his notebook] Well, when I find that demon, I shall slay him -- To death. [echoes] Yoohoo! Yoohoo!

Xavier's Dad:
No, no, no, no. No, not Yoohoo. It was you, damn it! [grabs Xavier] You, Xavier -- You killed your own father! [drops Xavier]

Xavier:
Me? It was I who -- I killed my...no! [falls down on the desert splitting himself into doubles] NO!

Xavier:
TV, the devil's dream box.

[Six Hours ($435.25) Later]

Xavier:
Yeah, TV, really rots your nut.

Xavier:
The hunter has become the hunter-ed. The chaser has become the choste. Dame Fortuna has had her franking privileges revoked. It seems the portrait has painted the artist, sketching the reverser, who has become the reversed. But this time, the suffixed will become the sufferer, and it appears the baby killer is about to kill a baby. [vomits] Which reminds me. I got to go feed my babies.

Ever-Child:
You found me -- The Ever-Child. Bask in the bliss energy of my glorious love beam. Don't you see? The missing child you each seek to reconnect with is still inside you all, but you buried it.

Ever-Child:
You, Paul, When you were 6 and you killed that spider monkey with that claw hammer, you really just squashed your heart with that hammer, and that's why you became a dirty pig cop.

Paul:
He's right!

[gunshot himself]

Ever-Child:
And you, you'll have children again. You just need to get some face work. Maybe get your butt did.

Mom:
He's so honest.

Ever-Child:
[to Police Officer] And you, that time made out with your Mom and su--

Police Officer:
Book 'em boys. You're going away for a long time, bliss baby!

Police Civilian:
Just hit the switch, Rodney.

Rodney:
You weren't supposed to say my name! I'm wearing the hood! You promised! [sobs]

Xavier:
I dream hard of helping people. Oh, yeah. Helping people... [strained] Helping people... [groaning] Oh, god. I'm gonna pop... [echoing] pop, pop, pop...

Commercial Narrator:
"Darfur Doodle" will be right black!

Clumso:
Whoopsie Doodle! There was a mix-up at the cookie factory! We made these cookies way too big, and the chocolate chips b-b-b-b-blue?!

Xavier:
My god. no one deserves a mixed up that bad. I've got to help those poor bastards.

Clumso:
Clumso the Cookie Chef really popped a boner into these yummy snacks! Blue Chocolate Whoopsie Doodles! Availible for a limited time only!

Xavier:
Damn you, Clumso! How many times am I going to have to clean up your messes?! For this is my destiny...

Clumso:
Uh-oh! Now there was a factory mix-up! We accidentally mixed up the cookie factory with the tampon factory! Now our cookies absorb up to 2 pints of flavor!

Boy:
Yummy! And the light floral scent keeps me feeling fresh all day!

Clumso:
These blue-chocolate-chip tampons are goo-ably, chewably huge! So huge, it hurts! Just slice and insert!

Woman:
They make it safe to wear white pants, and they're nice and huge!

Woman 2:
I gobble them while they gobble my filth.

Man:
What do I care? [flips off the camera while driving away]

Woman 3:
It's my time for my yummy -- Period.

Clumso:
Exclamation point!

Xavier:
Question mark?

Xavier:
It's the drumbeat to which our spirits dance. It's only the size of a fist, but it packs a lot more punch. Some folks say its every beat is the sound of god kicking an angel in the face.

Xavier:
Life is just death in drag.

Xavier:
My heart's beating to heal the suffering. I want to spread that beating around to those less fortunate than...

[an XRA logo appears out of thin air]

Robby:
...and so the Rabbi said, "No, you have chicken mouth."

Xavier:
Hey, you ruffians, leave that poor gimp alone.

Kid #1:
Who you calling "gimp," weirdo?

Xavier:
He probably can't tell you're mocking him. He's obviously slow.

Kid #2:
Robby's not slow. He's a genius.

Xavier:
Well, he's got a funny way of showing it.

[Xavier kicks Robby's wheelchair]

Xavier:
Look. I'm not 'tarded like Robby here, so I know that a group of strapping bucks as cool as you would never waste your time with a boy whose legs are as dead as a Thanksgiving turkey with all the trimmings.

Kid #1:
You apologize right now.

Xavier:
I'll never apologize for defending the weak, the meek, and the useless. Plus I'm a board-certified Wahakamana healer, and the winds of fate sent me here to...

[Xavier does the Indian chant enhancing Robby]

Kid #2:
Get your hand off his leg, you perv!

[Take that. Taste the pain. Take that. Taste the pain.]

[Robby taste the food from his leg]

Robby:
It's cranberry sauce.

Xavier:
I'm the answer to all your prayers, blown into your dead lap by the winds of fortune to be your life crutch.

Robby:
Let me get those facial abrasions sutured.

Xavier:
Cute. You want to help me. The pupil emulates the master.

Robby:
Come on. My dad's a doctor. His office is right over here.

Xavier:
This is your pop's chop shop, huh?

Robby:
I got to go make water.

Xavier:
Spray it. Don't say it. Poor kid's nervous around his new life mystic.

[button ringing]

Xavier:
Peep show.

Robby's Dad:
Okay, this is gonna be a routine double bypass. Bow your heads, please. Dear Lord, We just want to thank you for your guiding touch. Let's get on with it.

Robby's Dad:
Scalpel, Lord. And oh, Lord, we just pray you can make a lateral incision in the "chestical" cavity.

Robby's Dad:
And in this time of need, oh, Lord, we just pray you replace the arterial valice with a synthetic flange grappler. I said arterial valice, Lord. What, did you switch to decaf? Come on!

Xavier:
[thinking] I'd like to see this guy pray an abortion.

Robby's Dad:
Wipe, Lord? Hoagie, Lord?

Xavier:
This guy's pretty good. Of course, I would have gone with the grinder.

Robby's Dad:
You're gonna live. Stay off that knee for a week.

[following after they did the man's chest surgery]

Robby:
How much did you see?

Xavier:
How much did YOU see?

Robby:
It's just Christian science. That's all. Okay, you caught me.

Robby:
Daddy can't ever know about my lab. He thinks science is evil, and the Lord heals all.

Xavier:
How does he explain the fact that his own son's legs make me want to puke all over them?

Robby:
Um, he never says that.

Robby:
This is spreadable bread. And it's self-eating.

Xavier:
Amazing. I feel so full. I got to use the bathroom.

Robby:
I got that covered.

[presses the self-portable toilet button]

Xavier:
Don't do any weird stuff like that. [tastes the inert chemicals]

Robby:
That's dangerous.

Xavier:
Needs coconut.

Robby:
What?

Xavier:
Tastes a little bitter. It could use some coconut.

Robby:
Maybe a fibrous protein is just what it needs. A coconut wouldn't work. But coco-nut, my artificial coconut spread, might.

Xavier:
One time I created something, called a "thurrito." It's a burrito within a burrito within the heart of that same burrito.

Xavier:
It's a total mind-blinder, but you don't hear me bragging about it all over your face.

Robby:
I just think this is pretty significant.

Xavier:
You're not better than me, okay?! Just 'cause you created life doesn't make you some kind of God. There's more to life than life.

Robby:
I didn't mean to make you jealous, I just --

Xavier:
Condescension -- The last refuge of the different abled. "Crypical."

Xavier:
Don't talk down to me from down there on your sparkling high horse.

Xavier:
You are just as ugly on the inside as you are on the outside.

Robby:
I feel I'm reasonably attractive.

Xavier:
Oh, yeah? Stand up and say that to my face. Oh, yeah, I forgot. You can't stand. So maybe I have a memory problem, but at least I can --

Xavier:
Uh, I can do the...

Robby:
Stand?

Xavier:
No, thanks, guy. I'm beat. Now where was I? Oh, yeah, I was walking out of here. Your thurrito-hating ego-tude just turned your guardian angel into your guardian enemy.

Unknown Voice:
Your heart feels like exploding.

[Xavier hangs out with a thurrito]

Xavier:
It's not just my heart that's hardening.

Robby's Dad:
I'd swim through a "lake full of water" for these cakes.

Robby's Dad:
That's the only thing that would put out the "raging fire in my belly" for these cakes.

Bakery Woman:
That's an "ODD" thing to say.

[Xavier runs in]

Xavier:
Doc, your son showed me his private places, and now I'm going to show them to you.

Robby's Dad:
So, Robby was controlling everything. It's all lies!

Xavier:
Now he's playing the ultimate liar. He's playing God right underneath your nose.

[shows the close up to Robby's Dad nose]

Xavier:
Good hang, but I got to motor. Got to take a float on a gloat boat in lake just desserts.

Robby's Dad:
All that is real is annihilation!

Robby:
If my dad found out I was using science to help him with his Christian Science, he'd be crushed.

Xavier:
You need to move on from losing your father back there. You need closure.

Robby:
Closure?! The explosion hasn't even ended yet!

Old Man:
Would you mind taking a photo of me and my wife with the ever-explosion?

T-Shirts Seller:
T-shirts! Get your ever-explosion t-shirts!

Onion Seller:
Red-hot ever-booming exploding-onion on a stick!

Chili Corn Egg Seller:
Chili corn cone egg! Ever-explosion of flavor!

Chili Cone Egg Seller:
Don't get a chili corn cone egg! Get a chili cone corn egg!

Xavier:
Listen up. This is not an ordinary explosion. It's alive.

Citizen #1:
That weirdo's got a hard-on for the explosion!

Xavier:
Please. You're making it angry. Your making its soul angry.

Citizen #2:
Angry? Explosion's too stupid to get angry.

Citizens:
[laughs]

Citizen #1:
That thing has no more soul than an exploding monkey!

[The everlasting explosion starts to grow angrier]

Citizen #1:
[laughs then realizes] Oh, my god. It's alive!

Citizen #2:
I knew it!

Military Man:
Out of the way! We're gonna blow it up!

[Military Man rocket launces the everlasting explosion]

Xavier:
You're just making it stronger.

[Xavier rides on the rollercoaster while using the car]

Xavier:
Oh, no, I'm headed right towards the cyclone.

Xavier:
Can you tell me how to get to the lake?

Arrows Guy:
How are you going to get there? By car?

Xavier:
I'm driving right now.

Arrows Guy:
Okay, first, you're going to want to get in your car. The, you're gonna want to start your car.

Arrows Guy:
A lot of people halfway to the lake, and they realize they forgot to start their car.

Xavier:
What?

Arrows Guy:
I'm just joshing you. That's just lake humor.

Xavier:
Oh, I'll find it myself.

[Xavier leaves]

Arrows Guy:
Man, I'll never sell these arrows.

Robby:
Enough. Listen. I created you. You're my mistake.

[the explosion whimpers]

Robby:
Dad?

Xavier:
Your father cursed God. He abandoned all he believes in. Don't trust him. He wants to explode us all.

Robby:
Listen, Dad. As your son and your creator, I realize I was wrong to disrespect your religion. Now that I created life, I now believe in God, 'cause I believe in me. It'll be okay if you just surrender your heart to God. We can start over.

Xavier:
You know, this is pretty good for cake. It actually works.

[as Robby was about to hug his Dad as an everlasting explosion]

Robby:
Come here and give me a hug, Dad -- Me and belief. [pulls out his knife as a cross to kill Dad]

Xavier:
Frittata!

Robby:
Sorry I had to do this, Dad, but I can't let the army get a hold of a weapon as powerful as you. I promised Mom I wouldn't be another Einstein.

[the everlasting explosion got killed and turned into an angel]

Xavier:
At least he died with God in his heart. [eats Robby Dad's heart] You can taste it. Could use a little coconut.

Police Officer:
What just happened here?

Xavier:
Uh, nothing. [sniff] I mean, [sniff] I just ate the heart of an explosion.

Music:
[singing] THE HEART OF AN EXPLOSION.

Xavier:
Always tough to kill your Dad, but you made the right choice, kid. I guess your brain isn't as dumb as your legs.

Xavier:
Just don't go entering your legs in any spelling bees. Might get stung.

Xavier:
I know my purpose is righting wrongs. I'm the wrong-righter, but I don't need you to call me that. I have special needs.

Xavier:
Snake Hand, this sign -- It's some sort of...sign.

Xavier:
Mayhaps this strange town shall house my rebirthening, and I'll finally find the sad soul I'm fatestinated to salve.

Snake Hand:
[mumbles]

[the snake has just insulted Xavier]

Xavier:
Snake Hand, you don't know your ass from your elbow.

Snake Hand:
[mumbles]

[the snake just said]

Snake Hand:
But my ass is your elbow.

Mom:
Each of my little pumpkins gonna get a turn with Mommy on the slide, starting with my most favorite.

[Mom picks out his most favorite baby of all to play in the park while Xavier runs in]

Xavier:
My god. What brand of monster would abandon a childling?

[Xavier's flashback intensifies]

Xavier's Dad:
Go on, son. Your brand-new bike is just behind that tree. Go on.

Young Xavier:
Really?

Xavier's Dad:
So long, weirdo!

Young Xavier:
DAD!

[Xavier's Dad got hit by a corn on a cob van]

Young Xavier:
NOOOOOOO! [sees the bike after the vore transition] Hey. He was telling the truth.

[the corn start to pop as popcorn from the corn van]

Young Xavier:
Yummy! Popcorn!

[while Young Xavier is riding on his new bike, he crashed and exploded from a dog]

[Xavier's flashback ends]

Xavier:
If that kind of thing had actually happened to me, I don't know what I do.

Xavier:
Welcome home, kids. It doesn't look like much, but these sewer walls were built with love. You can taste it. [tastes the sewer walls with disgust]

Xavier:
I'll have to be both mother and father to you kids, which means, I'm gonna be doing some things to myself you're not gonna want to see. And one day, you're gonna walk in on me doing it.

[the snake says]

Snake Hand:
Oh, brother. The things he makes me rub.

[jets laugh]

Young Xavier:
Chief Master Guru, I found these abandoned birdlings.

Chief Master Guru:
Your rescue is noble, young one, but now you are to put them to the fire. Allow them to be rebirthed like the phoenix from the flame. While you're doing, I got to grab a bite. Me need-um eat-um.

[CMG turns into a firestack]

Young Xavier:
Really? To the flame? Okay.

[Young Xavier puts the birds to the flame, that rebirth them into an egg that grows out a KKK citizen]

KKK Citizen:
Your destiny is demise!

[KKK reveals himself to be CMG all along and ate one of birds as chicken wings]

Young Xavier:
NOOOOOOOO!

Xavier:
Kids, I swear I'm gonna love all of you, and equally. I'll be dividing my love into seven equal sections, or love quadrants. Each quadrant will be worth 15 love units represented by these small brass marbles. You may use these marbles as currency amongst yourselves. Collect 35 units, you can trade those in for a beach towel with my face on it. Collect more than three towe--

Mom:
Where are my babies!

Xavier:
What is that racket?

Mom:
Where are my babies? Where are my babies?

Xavier:
Keep it down, lady. We got families around here.

Mom:
Aah. Have you seen my babies?

Xavier:
I'm popping a peek at a smokin' babe right now.

Mom:
I lost seven of my babies.

Xavier:
Tragic. I've got septuplets myself. I don't know what I'd do if I lost them. Good thing I'm a responsible parent. [smack the mommy] You should try it sometime.

Xavier:
Oh, the wails of a victim -- Almost as heartbreaking as the victim of a whale.

Xavier:
Sometimes I think you kids are the only thing keeping me sane. Now, who wants lunch? Go on, young'uns. Suckle at the teat of my good intentions.

Xavier:
Demang! I'm one nip short.

Snake Hand:
I'll take care of that. [Snake Hand eats a baby]

[Snake Hand quipped]

Xavier:
Snake Hand! What are you doing?

Snake Hand:
You're right. It could have used some honey mustard.

[snake counters]

Xavier:
I'll get you to puke. Okay. Okay. One time, there was this really wrinkly old lady, and -- And she was really weird.

[snake says]

Snake Hand:
You're just making me horny.

Audience:
[laughter]

Xavier:
And -- And she pulled a big scab from her face, and she...she...she ate it. Whoa. Sick.

[Xavier throws up]

Xavier:
Those sickos who stole your baby left a ransom note but your friendly neighborhood wandering spirit master is on the case.

[literally breaking every environment around the room]

Mom:
They said you were a nightmare.

Xavier:
Not real, huh? Is this a nightmare?

[Xavier smothers Mom]

Xavier:
Where's your husband -- The so-called "Father"?

Mom:
He died during childbirth.

Xavier:
He would have wanted you to move on. He craved your movement. Now try to remember where you were when you first decided to be a terrible parent and let your poor babies out of your sight.

[Xavier smells a piece of his hair that he didn't recognize]

Xavier:
The sick bastard smells like my ass. [sniffs] Ugh. Smells *exactly* like my ass.

Xavier:
Luckily, my Lakota Yogi taught me the proud ways of the Injun Tracker.

[Xavier's flashback intensifies]

Chief Master Guru:
When you are tracking mighty buffalo, you must become buffalo. [CMG turns into a buffalo]

[Xavier turns into a buffalo, but then gets humped by CMG for a fun way]

Xavier:
Become the kidnapper. Be the criminal. [sees a notebook] Bingo. The mind-scrawl of a madman.

[Xavier sees the drawings of Xavier]

Xavier:
My god. He knows who I am. He knows my every fantasy. But I am hot on your trail, sicko. You can feel my hot breath on your neck.

[Xavier literally feels someone breathing hot breath on his neck]

Xavier:
This is no longer a clue. It's a game!

Xavier:
Yoo-hoo! Daddy's home. Who's hungry?

Snake Hand:
I never thought you'd ask.

[Snake Hand says, wolfing down a baby]

Xavier:
Snake Hand, you promised!

Snake Hand:
Look, someone left you a world's greatest dad trophy.

[snake tricks]

Xavier:
Wow. Really?

[Snake Hand wolfs down another baby again]

Xavier:
Snake Hand, get those babies out right now! Give me back my sons! Aha! Got it. [sees the skeleton of the baby] Ew!

Snake Hand:
Goes down easier boneless.

[thinks the snake]

Xavier:
Oh! My son. And my other son! I'm over it. I feel like a million love units. WHOO! What do they put in those things? I'm filled with a youthful spunk. Gallons of it.

[snake says]

Snake Hand:
I just wanted to give you energy to help sniff out those poor missing babies.

Xavier:
I brought bloodhounds. We're gonna track down the 'napper. We just got to let them get the scent of your remaining baby. [to the bloodhounds] Get the scent, boys. This is what you're going for. Got the scent?

[the bloodhounds eats one of Mom's babies]

Xavier:
Now go get'em boys.

Sarge:
Ma'am, someone stole our bloodhounds, but we got the backup bloodhounds to chase the first-string bloodhounds. Their scent took us here.

Mom:
They were just here. THEY ATE MY BABY!

Sarge:
I knew we shouldn't have left you alone. You're twisted, and you have the gall to blame it on police dogs? [in tears] Those dogs were decorated.

Sarge:
[sees Mom's house as a mess] Look at this place. What have you ever decorated?

Police Officer:
Hey, Sarge, we got the scent. The backup bloodhounds have found the trail of the original first-tier bloodhounds.

Xavier:
My god. The dogs are going right into my hidden lair. That means the baby-napper must be in there now. I've got him cornered. And it looks like this time, the coroner has become the cornholer.

Xavier:
I got you now.

Xavier's Echo:
Got you now.

Xavier:
He doesn't have me. I got him trapped. Listen. You're trapped.

Xavier's Echo:
You're trapped.

Xavier:
Ooh, frittata. The cops are gonna think that these are the missing babies -- That I'm a kidnapper. It's the perfect frame-up -- The perfect crime.

[the snake offers to get rid of the evidence]

Xavier:
Damn it. You're right. I can't send an innocent man to jail, even if it is me.

[Mom and the cop sees Xavier eating all of Mom's babies]

Mom:
NOOOOOOOO! MY BABIIIIIIIEEES!

Police Officer:
You weirdo. We don't cotton to that behavior around these parts.

[there goes that snake again]

Ever-Child:
You can put me to death, but you can't put me to life, for we are all... [rapping] Brothers, brothers, brothers, brothers, brothers, brothers -- What?

[after the officers pull the switch, the Ever-Child turned into a egg that rebirth a new Xavier who is originally the same]

Xavier:
Thank fate that big glowing galoot won't be bothering us no more. I think we all now realize that our society needs to stop its selfish search for missing children and start searching for the child within -- The only child that matters.

Xavier:
I guess I'll be moseying on. [to Mom] Sorry, babe. I'm a rambler. I'll put some babies in your butt someday.

Xavier:
Close your mouth, dear. You catch more flies with honey than with bad breath.

[Xavier smooches Mom]

Xavier:
And then I was gone.

[Xavier wrote the same scene in his notebook what he actually did for the last]

Xavier:
Yin. Yang. This world is stitched from a ballet of opposing forces.

Xavier:
What's the opposite of day?

Voice:
NIGHT!

Xavier:
What's the opposite of black?

Voice:
WHITE!

Xavier:
What's the opposite of salt?

Voice:
PEPPER!

Xavier:
No. They're just two spices trying to get by.

Voice:
SHALAM! You got me. You're so smart. So...

[Xavier Renegade Angel logo appears]

Dog Owner:
[sobbing] That's the way I cry. [sobbing] That's the way I cry.

Xavier:
I was trained for 22 years to fight with my feet. But it takes a real man to console with his feet.

[Xavier kicks the tears off of the dog owner by using his feet then wiping the tears off using the dog owner's face]

Dog Owner:
That's-a so nice. Such-a compassionate piggies.

Dog Owner:
I'm-a gonna go broke. I'm-a just a simple shop owner. I'm-a gonna go out of the business.

Xavier:
I'm going to help you, even if it kills us both.

Xavier:
What is this place?

Dog Owner:
Every morning, with my hands, I splice-a genetically unique domestic animals. But nobody she want-a the freaky pet.

Xavier:
This all looks like good product. Nice place.

Dog Owner:
I got-a the cheeky chipmunky -- 90% of cheek. I got-a the pocket hippo. All the cute of the hippo with all the got-a the pocket. I got-a the deer cat. I got-a the giruppy. I got-a the funny bunny. I got-a the pandelephant-baby. And I got-a the unfunny bunny. [shows the rabbit's design that looks disgustingly infected] That's a goodiful pet to meet.

Xavier:
Or a little of each.

Dog Owner:
I even got-a the bag-a the purr. We gonna have-a to put them to the death. Ay, chihuahua! [literally has an chihuahua made with a ton of eyes] Poor Eye-chihuahua.

Dog Owner:
My whole-a family been living off of the donkey kong chops for weeks.

Xavier:
It's not your store. You need a 'tude colonic to envisualize your success. Lucky for you, I'm an eight-degree imaginationist. Picture with me this store crowded with customers, swarmed with patrons.

Dog Owner:
It's-a working. My eyes -- She sees-a success. I'm-a filled with-a hope.

Xavier:
Act natural. See those guys over my left shoulder? Don't you think it's a little odd that they're wearing trench coats?

Dog Owner:
That's-a no big deal.

Xavier:
It's 95 degrees outside. I think something's about to go down. Stay calm. Follow my lead.

[suddenly the imaginary robbers pulled out guns]

Imaginary Robber:
You, empty out the register, or the old man get dead.

[Xavier gives the money to the imaginary robber]

Xavier:
He doesn't need this money. He's got-a the power of positive thoughts.

Dog Owner:
That was the last of my cashamzoo. I can't even imagine how my family will suffer and starve.

Xavier:
I can help you visualize that, too.

Rich Kid:
Daddy, you said I could choose anything I want for my day gift, Daddy.

Chief Worthington:
Just pick it quick, son. I's neglecting my poor oil fields.

Rich Kid:
Dino-goose -- Boring. Wolf-akeet, Gyno-Moose -- Sleepy Beef. All bores me. I can't abide boredom.

Xavier:
[talks about the Rich Kid] This insolent microbillionaire is cruisin' for a bruisin'. Crawlin' for a brawlin'. Achin' for a spiritual awakeinin'. [falls down] Poem done.

[Rich Kid sees Xavier as a pet]

Rich Kid:
I want that one, Daddy. Buy him.

Chief Worthington:
How much for this one?

Xavier:
I am not for sale.

Rich Kid:
Hee-hee. How silly. He amuses me, Daddy. Buy him.

Chief Worthington:
Look, I'll give you $3,000 to spend two hours with my son.

Xavier:
I have my dignity. My dignity?

Rich Kid:
That's why it's funny. If you don't get him for me, I swear I'll start loving Mommy more than you.

Chief Worthington:
I'll give you $50,000 for one day with my son.

Xavier:
Give the money to him. [referring to the Dog Owner] I'll do it. But only to teach this little brat the futility of his greedy ways.

Rich Kid:
I'm gonna name him after me. Come on, Me. Wrap him up.

Xavier:
And now the guru shall make the pupil his underling. The niblet shall sup from the ear. The poet shall make the metaphor his meaning. And the dancer shall make movement in his unitard.

Rich Kid:
A present? For me? [Xavier pops out of the present] Oh, goody. It's perfect.

Xavier:
I have agreed to take you on as my disciple, but you must obey my every order.

[Rich Kid throw firecrackers at Xavier]

Rich Kid:
Sit boy. Sit, Me.

Xavier:
I'm gonna break you down using Navaho Mysticism or Cherokee Fisticism.

Chief Master Guru:
Wise elders taught that resorting to violence will never change a person on the inside. In conflict, you must rip your opponent a new a**hole in his consciousness.

Chief Master Guru:
Soon, his mind will be open to all truth. All hole. No ass.

Young Xavier:
But, master, you can't punch someone with your mind.

Chief Master Guru:
Hold this board.

[Young Xavier holds the board, until CMG punches Young Xavier with his mind]

[Xavier's flashback ends]

Xavier:
Idiot. He totally miss the board.

Rich Kid:
Sit so I can ride you.

Xavier:
I'll use my mental judo on the boy. "If I allow you to control me, you surrender control to me," just quoth the wise man.

[Rich Kid rides on Xavier]

Rich Kid:
Gallop. Go! Faster! Faster!

Xavier:
The master knows these material possessions are meaningless.

Rich Kid:
You're right. They mean nothing. Smash things. Smashing idea. Oh, it is fun.

Xavier:
The master knows it is wrong to waste.

Rich Kid:
Oh, you're right. Eat it. Eat it off the floor. Lick up my waste.

Xavier:
Now I've got him eating out of the palm of my brain.

Xavier:
Would you treat you grandmother this way?

Rich Kid:
Oh, grand idea. You dress up like my dead grandmummy.

[Xavier dresses up as Rich Kid's dead grandmummy]

Xavier:
Master says the force of inner dignity will erode the humiliation of your oppressors.

Rich Kid:
Hee-hee-hee. You're so funny. [gives him a hammer] Smash yourself in the raisins, grandmummy.

Xavier:
By smashing myself in the raisins, I'm smashing your mind in the balls.

[Xavier stupidly use the hammer by smashing his balls]

Xavier:
[grunts] It didn't work. [groans]

Rich Kid:
Why are you making those horrid groaning sounds?

Xavier:
[struggling] I'm in pain, you little turdlet.

Rich Kid:
Silly. Pain is a myth made up by poor people who don't want to work. Tears are as a real as a unicorn's horn. I've got a unicorn's-horn belt.

Rich Kid:
Let's play a board game. I'm bored. I win! What's my prize? Where are you hiding my prize?

Xavier:
Your prize is up here. [showing his mind]

Rich Kid:
Is it a puppy? We better whip open the crate before he suffocates like all the rest.

Xavier:
I've got a game to play.

Rich Kid:
Oh, goody. Finally a game. It's been so long. I want to play.

Xavier:
It's a role-playing game. We'll switch places.

Xavier (roleplaying as the Rich Kid):
Oh, hello, I am the fancy son of Coffers Worthington. You must do what I say. I own you.

Rich Kid (roleplaying as Xavier):
But I'm just an insolent pet, and I bristle at the orders of my owner. I just want to yammer on about a dumb wise master and have silly flashbacks.

Xavier:
Well, go ahead. Have one.

Rich Kid:
What?

[Rich Kid gets tricked by Xavier by sending his flashbacks into the Rich Kid's mind]

Chief Master Guru:
Your superiority is a gray phantom. To reach true enlightenment, you must learn to become one with the universe.

Rich Kid:
Where am I? Who are you, old man? Have someone bring me my brambleberry broth. Chop-chop.

Chief Master Guru:
Once you connect to the mother consciousness, you see we are all the same creature in different forms.

Rich Kid:
This place bores me, and I am going home.

[Rich Kid suddenly got transported to a scary destination]

Rich Kid:
I can't be late for -- For my...nightmare.

[six months later]

Rich Kid:
If this is wretched misery, Daddy, then what is this moisture seeping from my beautiful eyes?

[CMG appears when he became a buffalo that Rich Kid took a bite from it]

Chief Master Guru:
You've made the breakthrough. You have discovered suffering. And so you can return.

Rich Kid:
So pain is real. I hate it! Intend to buy up all the suffering in the world and drown it in the ocean like a kitten.

Xavier:
I know much about suffering. I have been a student of pain. The sum of my life ponder can be glimpsed by peering through my psyche crystal. Wrong side. Through here.

Psyche Crystal:
Every luxury has a deep price. Every indulgence, a cosmic cost. Each fiber of pleasure you experience causes equivalent pain somewhere else.

Psyche Crystal:
This is the first law of emodynamics. Joy can be neither created nor destroyed. The balance of happiness is constant.

Psyche Crystal:
Fact -- Every time you eat a bite of cake, someone gets horsewhipped. Factor -- Every time two people kiss, an orphanage collapses. Factest -- Every time a baby is born, an innocent animal is severaly mocked for its physical appearance.

Psyche Crystal:
Don't be a pleasure hog. You're every smile is a dagger. Happiness is murder. Vote "Yes" on Proposition 1231. Think of some kids. Some kids.

Rich Kid:
My frolicking life of laughter has blood on its hands. Cake tastes like a whiplash on my tongue. I farted on the doorknob of justice. Wait until my Daddy finds out about this. He'll help with all his wonderful moneys.

Xavier:
Your Dad is the worst of it all. He invented the Worthington Sport Rigger.

Rich Kid:
Daddy would never abide this if he could see the world through the eyes of the wise native tribesmen.

[Xavier uses a big needle to inhale the indian blood from the grave]

Xavier:
We inject your father with this indian blood. He'll see the world as a noble indian.

Chief Worthington:
[snoring] This is how I sleep.

[Xavier injects the indian blood into Chief Worthington's neck]

Rich Kid:
Go, blood. Cleanse my Daddy's greed-strict chakra.

Chief Worthington:
I feel the indian blood coursing up through my soul. I am a Native American. At least 15%. That means I can open me up a casino. Yee! [indian chanting]

Chief Worthington:
How, y'all. Injun Chief Worthington here saying come on down to my spankin'-new firewater casino. Come bet on red. Our slots are looser than local squaw. And we got the trail of beers poker lounge. My tribe's genocide is your bona fide.

Chief Worthington:
Come see if you can wipe us out, Chief smoke 'em if you got 'em says.

Injun Chimp:
If you can't beat 'em, wampum. [cries a tear]

Chief Worthington:
And fellers, it's all built on an ancient injun strip club. Their totem pole dances and lap rain dances will make your pole dance and your lap rain.

Chief Worthington:
Just got to keep my injun blood levels up to the legal limit, and I'll get richer every day.

Xavier:
Put down the needle where did you learn to do that?

Chief Worthington:
From you, alright? I learned from watching you.

Rich Kid:
Daddy, how can you disgrace the sacred native interconnectedness? I want universal oneness. Can't you buy it for me, Daddy?

Chief Worthington:
Soon, I can buy you the dang old moon, boy. I moved my oil pumps to the injun burial ground, and I's about to hit the mother vein and suck out that sweet wampum sauce.

Xavier:
The prophecy is foretold. By definition, a prophecy is that which is foretold.

Construction Worker:
Eureka! We done struck red gold!

[the red gold suddenly turned into indians]

Construction Worker:
Uh-oh. The prophecy.

Xavier:
Savages. They're killing women and children. If Prop 1231 had passed, this wouldn't have happened.

[Xavier tries to struck red cowboy oil to kill the red indians]

Xavier:
Now go on! Re-genocide those savages over there so we don't have to fight them here.

Red Cowboy:
Come on boys, lets git them dang ol' Injins [turned into Arab] and then honor allah by crushing the occupying infidels in our glorious jihad.

Xavier:
My god. This cemetery's tainted with Arab blood.

Subtitles:
Hooray, we struck oil.

Red Cowboy Arab:
J-i-i-i-had!

Xavier:
You can take it from here, right kid?

Rich Kid:
No. I don't think so. I just want to--

[Xavier runs away]

Rich Kid:
W-Where did he go?

Xavier:
Whelp, I guess it's time for me to ramble on -- To mosey down that road of life. And hey, vote "Yes" on Proposition 1231. The kids -- A whole, huge, big bucket of kids.

Xavier:
Weak from drifting on the longest mosey ever rambled. Weeks with no meal or beverage. Blistering desert pounding me to the crosine-tipped brink of insanity. Yet perhaps there is truth in sand madness.

Voice:
[raspily] Saaaand Madness.

Big Hand:
You hath rambled well. Thus I shall answer questions three.

Xavier:
Who am I?

Big Hand:
I cannot tell you that, sire.

Xavier:
Where did I come from?

Big Hand:
I cannot tell you that. Cor blimey. You hath one question left.

Xavier:
Why are you pretending to be British?

Big Hand:
I have always admired the British. You are out of questions. But your quest has just begun.

[the big hand turns into a mirror]

Xavier:
Who are you?

[Xavier sticks his hand into the mirror which then turns out to be a camel he's sticking into the camel's butt]

Xavier:
I guess it's true what they say about a Camel's ass. I am hungry.

Smoking Guy:
Let me get, uh, two packs of cigarettes before I go.

Diner Guy:
I got to warn you -- They say every cigarette takes 17 minutes off your life.

Smoking Guy:
Well, hey, if I keep smokin' I'll get younger.

Diner Guy:
Shoot. You're a bad little boy.

Smoking Guy:
Besides, they say every slice of bacon takes nine minutes off your life. I just chowed me down a year's worth.

Diner Guy:
Shoot. You're a naughty boy. I'd like to put you over my knee and spank you some.

Xavier:
[to Diner Guy] You keep your hands off him. His bottom [touches the guy's bottom] is his personal, private place.

Diner Guy:
How long you been standing there, you freak?

Smoking Guy:
What are you, a Chinaman?

Xavier:
I wish I knew myself.

Diner Guy:
We don't cotton to strange Chinamen with no sense of self who stand secretly by for indeterminate amounts of time. Gonna put you in a world of hurt.

[Take that! Taste the pain! Take that! Taste the pain! Take -- Take -- Take --]

Texas Voice:
Whoo, boy! See that basket of fries over there? Well, looks like this week Xavier's got hisself a basket of pain.

Diner Guy:
[to the Texas Voice] Stop the talkin'!

Texas Voice:
Whoo, boy!

Diner Guy:
Look! There's been a significant discovery at an archeological dig.

Archeologist:
Here to announce that we have discovered the oldest cave drawing known to man. The figure is a rather ugly creature, possibly a Chinaman of some sort.

Xavier:
Is this finally the clue to my mysterious origins?

Archeologist:
Yes. We're going to look closer, to look deeper for hidden meaning.

Xavier:
[takes the TV] Gentlemen, I've got to take this, gentle men.

Diner Guy:
Looks like you and me is all alone.

Smoking Guy:
[pulls up a whip] Now who's being naughty?

Xavier:
I'm going to have to... [thinking] ....go back in time...and find who did this PAINting... [thinking] and...what... [thinking] it...means. [thinking] Means. But how?!

[the two guys from the diner appears in Xavier's flashback]

Diner Guy:
Every cigarette takes 17 minutes off your life.

Smoking Guy:
Every slice of bacon takes nine minutes off your life.

Diner Guy:
Every cigarette takes 17 minutes off your life.

Smoking Guy:
Every slice of bacon takes nine minutes off your life.

Xavier:
Can you dumb it down a notch?

Smoking Guy:
If you smoke and eat bacon fast enough, you can go back in time.

Diner Guy:
Ooh. You are a bad, bad boy. [whips the flashback Smoking Guy]

Nimgok:
Ooh! Ooga-booga! Nimgok look good. [licks his biceps]

Xavier:
You leave that bicep alone. That's your personal, private place.

Nimgok:
Ooga-booga. How long you stand there, freak? You some kind of ooga-booga Chinaman? Me put you in world of hurt.

Nimgok:
[punches Xavier] Take that. Ooga-booga. Taste pain.

Texas Voice:
Whoo, boy! Order up! Ol' Xavier got another basket of pain fries on his plate. And the emotional ketchup is a blubbering whale of tears.

Xavier:
I'm not crying. I've got something in my eye. Just tears.

Nimgok's Wife:
[sobbing]

Xavier:
Why are you crying?

Nimgok's Wife:
Why you crying?

Xavier:
What's that bruise on your face?

Nimgok's Wife:
Oog-booga. What bruise on your face?

Xavier:
I just fell down the cave stairs.

Nimgok's Wife:
Ooga-booga. Me fell down cave stairs.

Xavier:
I may stink like cock... [sniffs] ...but I'm no spring chicken.

Xavier:
Is it a husband? Boyfriends? Gal pal? What's the matter? P*ssy got your tongue?

Nimgok's Wife:
Maybe. My husband, he only does 'cause he love me.

Xavier:
No. That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. Maybe he does it because you're stupid.

Nimgok's Wife:
Maybe.

Xavier:
Well, if that's love, then I'd like to make some love to his mouth.

Nimgok's Wife:
Maybe. Don't get him angry.

Xavier:
From now on, I'm your guardian. I'll be standing right behind you. And if he wants to get to me, he's gonna have to punch his way through you first.

Nimgok's Wife:
Maybe. He do not mean to do it.

Xavier:
Looks like he's done over $1,200 worth of damage. Far as I know, you were pretty before all this started.

Nimgok's Wife:
Maybe.

Hurted Xavier:
Your quest is nearly complete. The answer of your origin is nigh!

Voice:
[raspily] Saaaand Madness.

Hurted Xavier:
But can madness hold the truth? Come. Enter into the World of Hurt.

[Xavier enters the World of Hurt]

Xavier:
What is this place?

Hurted Xavier:
This land is the physical manifestation of brute, inarticulate rage.

Xavier:
Yeah. No doy.

Hurted Xavier:
That is the peak of disappointment. [shows the logo of the show]

Hurted Xavier:
And those are the nerve worms. They're consuming the carcass of your contentment.

Hurted Horse:
You did this to me.

Hurted Xavier:
This is the beach of unbearable facts.

[Xavier puts the conch shell into his ear]

Conch:
Your body stink like egg.

[drops the conch shell leaving out a static snail]

Hurted Xavier:
And this is the Forest of Daddy's Fist.

Xavier:
Ow! Daddy! No, Daddy.

Hurted Xavier:
You wanted to know from whence you came. If you dare, gaze into the Lake of Torturous Truth. This is your mother the night you were conceived.

[the Lake of Torturous Truth show Xavier's Mom partying with animals]

Xavier's Mom:
Hey, everybody! Let's get wasted tonight and party! Who wants more cherry wine?

Xavier:
No. You're lying. This is a lie! Let me out of here! Yoo-hoo! Let me out of here!

[Xavier hits inside Nimgok's Wife's back to get hisself out of here while Nimgok's Wife feels pain form her back]

Nimgok:
Ooga-booga. Me think me hear wife in me cave with nother man.

Nimgok:
You get out Nimgok Wife.

[Nimgok punches Nimgok's Wife to bring Xavier back from the World of Hurt]

Xavier:
Go on. I no longer fear your PAIN fries.

Texas Voice:
Whoo-boy!

Xavier:
For in PAIN, I've found the truth. And even though PAIN hurts, you need to confront PAIN if you want to transcend the crushing PAIN of your inner PAIN.

Nimgok:
Nimgok want escape crushing inner PAIN. Ooga-booga.

Xavier:
Why do you hurt people?

Nimgok:
'Cause Nimgok strong. Oog-abooga! Nimgok tough!

Xavier:
But why do you feel the need to be tough?

Nimgok:
'Cause if me let me guard down, ooga-booga, I guess me vulnerable to get hurt meself.

Xavier:
Go on.

Nimgok:
Ooga-booga. Maybe Nimgok fight because when Nimgok punch someone, ooga-booga, Nimgok get to touch someone.

Nimgok:
[to Nimgok's Wife] Me only hit you 'cause Nimgok love you. [hugs his wife]

Xavier:
Now, that's the smartest thing I ever heard.

Xavier:
If you're so tough, take up this feather and write what you feel.

[Nimgok writes what he feels]

Xavier:
That's right. Keep going. Three...two...one!

[Nimgok stops writing]

Xavier:
Now, what do you have?

Nimgok:
Me used to use violence, ooga-booga, as me protective shell. ooga-booga. But now me stow me fists for flight of life, ooga-booga, and let me heart scream and yell. Me let me spirit soar. Me let me soul gliiide and shine.

Xavier:
You just got in touch with someone very special.

Nimgok:
Who? WHO?! ME KILL HIM!

Xavier:
Yourself.

Nimgok:
Boo-ya.

Nimgok:
You done so much for Nimgok. You give Nimgok psychospritiual breakthrough. What can Nimgok do for you?

Xavier:
I'm looking for a PAINting on the cave walls. Have you seen it? It looks like this.

[Xavier literally draws a character out of himself]

Nimgok:
Yeah. You just make PAINting.

Xavier:
Ooga-booga.

[Mid tempo music plays]

Computer:
Xavier, my datas show that you did the drawing yourself.

Xavier:
You figured that out -- Right after numb-nutted neander-balls.

80's Guy:
I just spent american money on a nagel print.

80's Guy #2:
Patrick Nagel just died.

Xavier:
Just how deep does my soul go? Does my --

Gandhi:
Xavier, this is your special day! Today you will finally be recognized for the great achievements you've made as the world's number-one guardian angel!

Xavier:
Please. I don't do it for the accolades.

Gandhi:
Here's the orphan whose life you saved!

[the orphan's head falled off]

Gandhi:
Oh. Well...this is the priest you rescued!

Skeleton Priest:
That's the wino who mouthed my bottom!

Dead Woman:
We're all dead.

Dead Man:
[clears throat] You haven't saved any of us.

Gandhi:
Well, he's about to, uh...save this baby! [thinking] I have to do my laundry.

[after the baby breaks into glass pieces, Xavier wakes up]

Xavier:
Uh-oh, I've fallen asleep on my dream catcher again. Judging by the amount of dream goo, it was some powerful stuff.

Xavier:
Dreams -- They're the hurricanes that wash the soul filth from the superdome of our night mind. I know people out there are dreaming for my cleansing rain to rinse away all sufferage.

Xavier:
I dream hard of helping people.

Xavier:
[moans] Oh, yeah. Helping people...oh, helping people... [groaning] Oh, god. Oh, gonna pop... [echoes]

Xavier:
PEOPLE! THERE'S A LADY BEING RAPED! A MAN IS RAPING A LADY! And this lady is named Mother Earth. And the man... [shows the kid his biceps] feel that beef right there.

Xavier:
...she is man.

Citizens:
[repeating] Shut up!

Citizen:
Yeah! The earth ain't fleeting in her plentiful bounties!

Citizen #2:
Shoot! I ought to punch his vacation-raping face from here to the local bus station.

Citizen #3:
What you ought to do is take care of that frisky wife of yours.

Citizen #2:
You're right.

[Citizen #2 grabs the inflatable pool float from that girl she was humping on]

Citizen #2:
You're embarrassing me, honey!

Chief Master Guru:
Young one, we must care for our Mother Earth, for she is the brain of the universe. Come. Tune in to the wavelength of our global consciousness.

Xavier:
If the Earth is a brain, does it have dreams... [echoes]

[the earth suddenly crawls out of space-stary hand grabbing the earth ball throwing into the camera then cutting to the next scene where the earth has underwear in school while all the other planets of the solar system laugh at earth, then earth runs away from school]

Subtitles:
The remainder of the Earth's spectacular dream is mindblowingly awe inspring.

Subtitles:
But rather than spend the money producing it for your greedy eyes, we donated the money to help fight genocide in Darfur.

Subtitles:
What have YOU done?

Subtitles:
Now back to the "comedy".

Subtitles:
A luxury some people can't afford.

Skinny Hungry Black Kid:
Hey. Beats workin'!

Narrator:
"Darfur Doodle" will be right black!

[Xavier watches a Whoopsie Doodle commercial]

Clumso:
Whoopsie Doodle! There was a mix-up at the cookie factory! We made the cookies way too big, and the chocolate chips b-b-b-b-BLUE?!

Xavier:
My god! No one deserves a mix-up that bad. I've got to help those poor bastards.

Clumso:
Clumso the Cookie Chef really popped a boner into these yummy snacks! Blue Chocolate Whoopsie Doodles! Available for a limited time only!

Xavier:
Damn you, Clumso! How many times am I going to have to clean up your messes?! For this is my destiny...

Clumso:
Uh-oh! Now there was a factory mix-up! We accidentally mixed up the cookie factory with the tampon factory! Now our cookies absorb up to 2 pints of flavor!

Commercial Kid:
Yummy! And the light floral scent keep me feeling fresh all day!

Clumso:
These Blue-Chocolate-Chip Tampons are goo-ably, chewably huge! So huge, it hurts! Just slice and insert!

Commercial Mom:
They make it safe to wear white pants, and they're nice and huge.

Commercial Girl:
I gobble them, while they gobble my filth.

Commercial Man:
What do I care? [rides away flipping the camera off]

Commercial Girl #2:
It's my time...for my yummy -- Period.

Clumso:
Exclamation point!

Xavier:
Question mark?

Narrator:
If left in mouth more than three days, cookies may cause toxic shock.

Xavier:
Two factory screw-ups in one town! [sniffs] Something smells fishy, and I intend to get to the bottom of this barrel. [echoing] It is my destiny.

[Xavier sees Maxi-Bites on a box product where it looks clean until he sees the real version of dirty building version of Maxi-Bites company]

Xavier:
Huh. Everything looks prettier on tv.

Xavier:
I heard about your tragic mix-ups, and I'm here to help.

Guard:
Sir, this is private property. The company has a policy of not cottoning to freaks around these parts.

Xavier:
You've obviously got something to hide. Maybe you're doing damage to this beautiful ecosystem. Well, I'm gonna go above your head and find out.

[Xavier lays down his head to Mother Earth's hearings]

Xavier:
What's that, Mother Earth? You say this factory is poisoning you? And you need my help? What's that? You want me to repeat everything you say? Sure. I'd love to hear a joke. Who's there? Banana who? Banana who? Banana...

[Two Hours Later]

Xavier:
Banana Who?! Orange-na whom? [chuckles] I am pretty glad. I'm gonna let you go. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Okay, bye.

[Xavier puts his dreamcatcher into one of the pipes making the Maxi-Bites company lose the people's jobs]

Xavier:
I just did a solid in the creek, everyone. No need to thank me.

Maxi-Bite Worker:
What you talkin' 'bout, freak? We all just lost our jobs!

Farmer:
That was the last job in town. Now my poor family will have to live off my farm. It not mu--

Xavier:
I'm on a helping roll, and I'd be glad to do a solid all over your family.

Farmer:
We've been through enough. Hey. You're that freak who warned us about the fleetingness of Earth's plentiful bounties.

Xavier:
Well, I'm a good farmhand, and I don't need much -- Just five hots and a cot and a queen-size lazy-bread bed. And a flat-screen iTV. And a Wi-Fi hotspot. And a breakfast nook. A sauna, a conversation nook, some of them crazy cookies. Orange you glad I didn't say "Banana"? [laughs]

Farmer:
We're in a drought. I can give you a plate of weevils every day.

Xavier:
Deal. [thinking] Sucker. I would have settled for every other day.

Xavier:
At least this brutal drought hasn't taken your poor grandma.

Farmer:
That's my daughter. She 14.

Xavier:
[thinking] Ooh, nice and legal.

Xavier:
Why don't you just leave, skip town, and abandon your family?

Farmer:
I was born in this house, and I'll die in this house -- Both of starvation.

Farmer:
We been working this land for six generations. This whole land used to be as a [mexican accent] "nicaraguan" slut.

Xavier:
This crop looks strong.

Farmer:
It's all dust corn -- Flaky as a [mexican accent] "Filipino" granny in a pyramid scheme.

Farmer:
If we don't get rain soon, we might have to tighten our belts tighter than a Jew in a -- Oh, shoot. One of my boys got hold off my belt!

[cuts to the next scene where one of the farmer boys hang himself then disappears to dust afterwards]

Farmer:
Aw, he's just showing off for company. Folks are even starved for attention around here.

[Xavier literally shows attention for feeling the biceps to the Farmer's kid]

Xavier:
[to Farmer's Kid] Feel my bicep. Grab that man meat.

Farmer:
We know the Lord will provide. And if our lot is to shrivel and die, well, then he'll provide that.

Farmer:
Just do it, weirdo! Just do your dance! [shotgun c*cks]

Xavier:
Not at me! God has to do that dance.

Farmer:
DANCE, GOD DANCE! WE MADE YOU UP, AND WE CAN TAKE YOU DOWN!

[Farmer shotgunned God]

Farmer:
It's working.

[rains out red rain]

Farmer:
Wait. This 'tain't rain.

Xavier:
[tastes the rain] It's God's blood.

Farmer's Kid:
[crying] Papa! You shot God!

[after the Farmer shot God, the corn turned into corn mutants]

Farmer:
What have I done?

Xavier:
So you admit it is your fault. You kill off the corn mutants. I'll stay back and protect the womenfolk. [interested] Ooh.

[Xavier uses a lighter to ignite the flamethrower to burn the corn mutants]

Farmer:
Time for a snack attack!

Farmer's Kid:
Pop 'em, papa! Pop 'em!

Xavier:
Got 'em! I'M A CROP STOPPER!

Farmer:
Spread the word 'round town -- There's blood popcorn for everyone! I'll order a movie!

Xavier:
The trees are clear-cutting all of downtown!

Farmer's Kid:
Nature is out to make us pay for our sins against the earth! Nature is alive...and it's angry!

Farmer:
So, what's your plan?

Xavier:
I think we should, uh, you know, uh...

Farmer:
Pack all the Maxi-Bites in the smokestack?

Xavier:
Don't just stand there. Chop, chop my plan into action.

Xavier:
We've only got one shot to plug up God's drippy heaven crevice.

Farmer:
Hey, Godsteress -- Suck on this!

[Farmer blows the tampons into the smokestack shooting way up high to plug God's wounds]

Xavier:
It stuck! I did it! I stopped God's heavy flow, and her cycle of madness is over. At least for this month. I guess dreams do come true.

Xavier:
So God is a lady. I know because I got her sopping wet, and then I gave God's junk her just desserts. Someone's gonna have to mop up all this booty sauce.

Farmer's Kid:
Booty sauce?

Xavier:
Yes. You see, son, God is a woman. And every woman has a special hole that's the source of all life. It's called the Booty Hole.

Farmer's Kid:
Really?

Xavier:
Yep. You can read all about it on my blog. I got to ramble on. [gets off the Farmer's Kid shoulders that's holding him] You can find your own way home.

Xavier:
Certain days scaled the soul with a searing ember, like tuesdays and today -- The 20th anniversary of my Father's murder.

Xavier:
I'll take a cotton candy, please. Do you want one, Dad? Dad? Dad! Don't make this poor, pathetic vendor wait.

Cotton Candy Guy:
Every year, this guy!

Puggler the Punk Rock Juggler:
For this next trick, I need a victi -- I mean, volunteer. Look-see, honeybee. Hey, what about you?

Xavier:
I'm a victim.

Young Xavier:
Who did this to you guys?!

Xavier's Dad:
Our son.

Young Xavier:
I know it was arson, Dad, but who did it?! DADDY! I SHALL AVENGE THEE!

Puggler the Punk Rock Juggler:
Whoo! Hot nuts for sale! Youch! Want to kiss my boo-boo, make it better?

[Puggler gets done with his hot potato trick]

Puggler the Punk Rock Juggler:
Thank you! I don't get paid down here at the wharf, so give what you can. Hot potato!

Xavier:
How dare you attempt to tame dame flame! She shall burn thee, I promise thy.

Puggler the Punk Rock Juggler:
No, oh, no, fire is a tactical, majestical force -- A swirling, shimmering, succulent dance in that luminous nether mention twixt light and heat. Fire is freedom -- Personified.

Xavier:
NO! Fire should be shot in the back of the head for killing my parents. I vow to never rest until I've found my Father's slayer.

Puggler the Punk Rock Juggler:
What about your mother?

Xavier:
She knows what she's done.

Xavier:
So, if you don't get paid down here at the wharf, how do you pay rent?

Puggler the Punk Rock Juggler:
Pffft. I'm too unique to pay rent! I'm punk rock, personified. If I need money, I sell my seed, and I live in Squatopia.

Puggler the Punk Rock Juggler:
As soon as you pass this line, you will enter [introducing] SQUATOPIA -- A fully self-sustained, anarchist commune, a land with no rules and no laws to bind and restrict the soul and the heart. Freedom -- Personified.

Puggler the Punk Rock Juggler:
Squatters' Rights! [steals Xavier's crystal] So long, square!

Xavier:
That guy just stole my significant crystal.

Mohawk Guy:
That's impossible, brah. There's no stealing here, for this is [introducing] SQUATOPIA!

Xavier:
I know. That other guy told me. [referring to Puggler]

Mohawk Guy:
You knew bra, and you still made me do that ridiculous introduction, dude? You sick sack of -- You're alright. Gooble gobble.

[Mohawk Guy gives Xavier a tour about Squatopia]

Mohawk Guy:
Yep, we were the first to squat a whole town, brah.

Xavier:
Okay --

Mohawk Guy:
These are the crash couches. Rip up some Z's, if you please.

Mohawk Guy:
This is the Freedom Fountain and the public toilet. Hey, Squatters' Rights!

All:
SQUATTERS' RIGHTS!

Xavier:
Yeah, but, you see, the crystal belonged to my father. He was murdered.

Mohawk Guy:
This is the Wreck Center, brah, where we wreck things. And over there, that's Chinatown. Hey, Squatters' Rights!

China Man:
YOU GET OUT OF HERE NOW! [gong sound effect]

Mohawk Guy:
Only one rule here, brah -- No rules. Anyone caught with rules has to wear the scarlet "F." [to the tied up man with a painted "F" on his face] Fascist.

Xavier:
That crystal is the most important thing in my life.

Mohawk Guy:
If I need any cash, I just sell my seed, brah. You know, if I'm really desperate, I scrape the seed off the couches and sell it. One day, we'll squat the globe.

Xavier:
The thief had a unicycle. Did you see him?

Mohawk Guy:
That was Puggler. You should have asked me before. You'll never catch up to brah now. He went to B.M.

Xavier:
In the Freedom Fountain?

Mohawk Guy:
No, burning man. Actually, this year, we're not gonna be sexist. We're calling it Burning Person. In today's day and age, women can be set on fire, too.

Tude:
Thanks for coming, man. Listen, you got to get me out of here! I'm going stir crazy with all this freedom! I'm smothering here, man!

Xavier:
I've got my own problems, lady.

Tude:
I'm sick of living off my seed. I want to work with my hands. I got to shake these shackles of anarchy.

Xavier:
Why don't you just leave?

Tude:
If I leave, that's a choice, man. I can't stand any more choices. You got to break me out, man! Sneak me into a prison.

Xavier:
I'll smuggle you out of here if you show me the way to Burning Person, to find my crystal.

Tude:
But I can't go there. It's too free. I crave structure.

Xavier:
Well, the effigy at Burning Person is the biggest structure in North America. I'll get us there by way of underground railroad.

Tude:
Deal. Start digging.

Xavier:
That's not the way an underground railroad works. We need money for shovels. Give me some pocket dollars.

Tude:
I don't even have pockets.

Xavier:
Then go sell some of your seed.

Tude:
That would be choice, fascist! Why don't you sell your seed?!

[Xavier sells his seed to a sperm bank]

Xavier:
Ma'am, I'd like to make some seed money. Hello? I'd like to peddle my puddle, ma'am. Yoo-hoo! I'd like to hawk my loogie.

Business Woman:
[scoffs] We pay by the cup or by the noseful.

Xavier:
Um, cup, please. I'm kind of nervous. I've never plopped my glopper. Been saving myself for marriage or at least consent.

[Xavier reads the sexy magazines to sell his seed]

Xavier:
Huh! I wonder what's inside these saucy magazines anyway.

[Xavier flips a page]

Xavier:
OHH! OH, CARUBISLAW! I really was backed up.

Xavier:
Sorry, I couldn't get any tools.

Tude:
Cool, dude! You brought a buddy along for the trip. Come, buddy. [literally lets a sperm buddy dog lick his face]

Xavier:
I'm not bringing that Johnny-come-lately with us.

Tude:
So, what's so special about that crystal anyways, brah?

[Xavier's flashback intensifies]

Young Xavier:
What's that necklace, daddy?

Xavier's Dad:
It represents my feeling for you.

Young Xavier:
Where'd you get it?

[Xavier's Dad flashbacks his scene where he's in the restroom peeing in a urinal toilet and also peeing a cleaning product shaping a crystal and hanging it around its neck while winking at the audience]

Young Xavier:
What's that necklace, daddy?

Xavier's Dad:
I'll give it to you when you become a man.

[Xavier's flashback ends]

Tude:
Well, at least you had a dad. I never knew mine. Sometimes I think the structure I truly crave is the family structure.

Xavier:
Shut it.

Xavier:
We must have connected to an existing tunnel system. Maybe this is the original underground railroad.

[a black old slave guy crawls out of the underground railroad]

Tude:
Dude, there's an old slave still hiding down here. That's hardcore, man.

187:
[mumbling]

Tude:
He must be 187 years old. I'm gonna call you 187, 'cause it's 187 on the mother-loving cop. Right, up top?

187:
[mumbling] Up top.

Tude:
I totally know what you went through, man. I was a slave to TV for a while, and then I was a slave to pop culture, and I craved the grave. Total bummage, man.

Xavier:
Can we get going?

Tude:
Man, I must have wolfed a mind burrito 'cause I just had a massive brain fart.

Tude:
We got to take 187 with us to Burning Person! He said he's never partied before. What better party than the ultimate party?!

187:
[agreed mumbling]

Tude:
We're gonna go to Burning Person, [to Xavier] he's gonna get his Dad's crystal, [to 187] you're gonna get to freedom, I'm gonna get the structure I crave.

C*m Buddy:
[whimpers]

Tude:
What's that, little fella?

C*m Buddy:
[whimpers]

Tude:
And we're gonna get this little guy laid.

187:
[mumbling]

C*m Buddy:
[whimpers]

Tude, 187, & Sperm Buddy:
[laughter]

Xavier:
Life. [echoes]

Squat Guy:
Oh, man, I'm getting in The Bubbler! Sweet!

[The big bubble pops which the made the citizen fall and break every one of his bones]

Squat Guy:
Oh, my god, dude, that was so dope! Burning Person rules!

Squat Guy #2:
Wait! Did you touch soap, dude?

Squat Guy:
NOOOO! [gets incinerated to pieces]

Tude:
Okay, you find Puggler, and I'm gonna go find the structure. Man, where's 187?

[cuts to the next scene where 187 is partying with the Squat people]

Tude:
This guy is slave to the beats, man!

Xavier:
Have you seen Puggler, the Punk-Rock Juggler? He's wearing a top hat.

Squat Guy #3:
I think I saw him over there.

Xavier:
Puggler?

Pester the Punk-Rock Jester:
Who's Puggler? I'm Pester, the Punk-Rock Jester who lives off his seed.

Xavier:
Puggler?

Junk the Juggling Punk:
No, brah, I'm Junk, the Juggling Punk who lives his seed.

Xavier:
I'm looking for Puggler.

Random Punk Rocker:
I think he took off, man, to go to Burning Person or something.

Xavier:
We're at Burning Person.

Random Punk Rocker:
I went to Burning Person this year?

[Tude sees the Burning Person model]

Tude:
Such a structure, bro. This is just what I needed for fulfillage.

Squat Woman:
This year, we can truly leave no trace on the playa, with the De-Garbage Eco-Vaporizer.

Squat Guy #4:
Oh, dope! I want to leave no trace!

[Squat Guy #4 went inside the De-Garbage Eco-Vaporizer transporting him to another place]

Squat Woman:
What a great environmentalist. He went off the grid. [looks at the viewers] Won't YOU go off the grid?

Puggler the Punk-Rock Juggler:
Dude! Dude! I've been looking all over for you! I intuited you'd be here, 'cause I know how you crave structure.

Puggler the Punk-Rock Juggler:
There's something I have to tell you. I'm your father.

Tude:
I have a dad! I'm a Puggler by blood! A Puggler!

Puggler the Punk-Rock Juggler:
And, mostly, I wanted to give you this precious heirloom.

[Puggler gives Xavier's Crystal to Tude]

Puggler the Punk-Rock Juggler:
It's been in the family for as long as I can remember right now.

Xavier:
THE SERPENTINE CRYSTAL!

Tude:
I can't accept this for myself, 'cause I hate you, Dad! You're smothering me, man! Just get off my back! Give me space, fascist!

[Tude throws Xavier's Crystal away]

Xavier:
No! [echoes]

[as Xavier's crystal was about to go into the portal, Sperm Buddy saves it]

Xavier:
Your spunk in the face of my cruelty has made me realize that I haven't been a good father to you. From now on, every day, I'm going to tell you about the birds and the bees. [whispers to C*m Buddy] But, like, the bees are totally... [mumbles] that butthole.

Squat Woman #2:
Hey, everybody! Me and 187 are getting hitched!

Tude:
Never thought that slave would get tied down.

Squat Woman #2:
Hey, everybody, they're igniting the effigy!

[the sperm buddy goes into the Burning Person's vagina making her pregnant to explode to catch every squat citizen on fire]

Squat Guy #5:
WE'RE ALL SPECIAL!

Squat Guy #6:
WE'RE ALL PART OF THIS!

Squat Guy #7:
THIS IS MORE LIKE IT!

Squat Woman #3:
BURNING PEOPLE!

Puggler the Punk-Rock Juggler:
THIS IS DEMOCRACY -- PERSONIFIED!

Squat Guy #8:
ME, ME, ME!

[after the Burning Person incident where every citizen was roasted to death]

Firefighter #1:
How do you suppose this happened anyway?

Firefighter #2:
I think it was arson.

Xavier:
No. It was my son. [referring to his sperm buddy]

Firefighter #1:
Where does this vaporizer stuff go anyway? [while throwing the dead bodies into the vaporizer portal]

[cuts to the next scene where its reveal that the vaporizer goes into a oxygen space planet]

Squat Guy #4:
Dope planet, man! I think I'll make myself at home, brah.

[187 appears on the planet from the vaporizer]

187:
[mumbling]

Squat Guy #4:
Sorry, brah brah, have to ask you to bail. I got here first. [echoing] SQUATTERS' RIGHTS!

[Squat Guy #4 then gets crushed by a big potato]

Puggler the Punk-Rock Juggler:
THREE POTATO, NINE!

Subtitles:
This is dedicated to all the proud father who served at Burning Man.

Subtitles:
Not the mothers.

Subtitles:
They know what they've done.

Xavier:
It's what separates the wheat of beasts from the chaff of chaps -- Free will. Man's most potent mirage. Do I have the free will to turn this desert into an ocean of a wooze?

Narrator Girl:
Allow that I should weave thee a tale of a land angel, a sand-seeker who perchanced upon a crossroads.

Narrator Girl:
He stood at the fork, awash in the feculent knowledge that which path he chose would brand his life evermore.

Narrator Girl:
He opened the of his soul's eye to providence, unwilling to move until he was sure which direction was holy most.

[10 Minutes Later]

Narrator Girl:
Finally, he felt a cosmic hand guiding him to the path on the left. [echoes]

Injured Guy:
Hey, freak. We don't cotton to weirdos in our town. So scram before I make you taste pain.

[the geese took out the Injured Guy's eye with its beak and flew away]

Xavier:
Dead? What do you see? What's the afterlife look like? What visions? [suddenly gets deuced by some bird poop]

[Xavier drinks brain juice to find memory information of what happened to the motel]

Preacher:
Before we sing our glorious praise to the Lord, it is my sad duty to announce that our sign-language translator has donated her hands to the needy groper society.

Preacher:
In her place, we have Popo, a very special gorilla from the research center who has been studying sign language under the tutelage of my wife, June, for three years.

Citizen Woman #1:
[man voice] [thinking] This gorilla is good. She's blessed with the holy spirit.

Preacher:
[thinking] That animal...so beautiful. What are these feelings coming over me? Is she capable of feeling to same way of me?

June:
[thinking] Strange. I feel like someone is raping me with their eyes.

[Xavier's brain juice memory ends]

Xavier:
Ooh, that woman. So beautiful. I just know she feels the same way about me. She was totally checking me out. [sniffs] Yeah, we're soul mates. I shall now vow to make her my bride. [grunts] There -- Vow locked in.

Preacher:
You are my spiritual guide. What should I do? Dare I follow my heart down this unnatural path?

Gypsy Woman:
Let me show you what shall pass unto thee if your heart you follow. I just need a quarter.

[in the crystal ball, it starts with the Preacher having sex with a gorilla in a motel]

Preacher:
What have I done?!

[Preacher suddenly pulls his gun out inside of a bible book shooting himself]

June:
I'm too overcome to speak about my husband's mysterious death. But Popo has asked to say a few words.

[Popo does sign language]

June:
What's that, Popo? She's saying that this time of great loss illuminates the bonds we share as a community. And for that, we must give praise to the Lord. Now she's being very eloquent, saying some very touching things. She's being moving. Still being moving.

Old Citizen Guy:
It's so moving!

Citizen Trans Guy:
This go-rilla is go-oing places!

June:
Popo is giving thanks for everyone who could make it here. Popo is offering faith in Jesus as an alleviation to the deep fears in you...

[Xavier's brain juice memory ends]

Xavier:
I vow that when I marry her, I'll give her 100 flowers every five minutes. [grunts] Vow locked in.

June:
...society don't acknowledge. It's very touching.

Father:
Oh, it's so touching.

June:
She's tugging deeply ingrained heartstrings now.

Citizen Woman #1:
Praise the Lord!

June:
Popo is urging you to dismiss the power of your rational mind. She's using the fear of death, playing in your insecurities. There's a rock-solid elegance to the arguments.

Old Citizen Guy #2:
So elegant.

June:
Popo is shattering your souls. Shattering souls. Popo is taking obvious metaphors too literally.

June:
Now she's doing sign language. She's moving her hands. She's signing in tongues. She's lifting her voices, such as it were. She's raising our spirits. Now she's touching her feces as they come out of her bottom. Now she's sniffing her finger. Oh, she overexerted herself.

Frankie's Daughter:
Daddy!

Frankie:
Honey, I've been moved by a beast. Come, sit. You're 16 now, and I know you've had sex.

Frankie's Daughter:
Of course. You know that, Daddy.

Frankie:
Well, we're Christians, and I want you to sign a revirgination pledge to me and the big man upstairs.

[Xavier's brain juice memory ends]

Xavier:
[thinking] Who are these people? Where did June go? I vow to see her again. [grunts] Vow locked in!

Frankie:
I got a contract at church.

Frankie's Daughter:
Oh, neat. Let me see.

Frankie:
No need to read every word, honey. It's all standard language. Boilerplate. It just says you vow to be a born-again virgin and never have sex out of wedlock.

Frankie's Daughter:
Sure, daddy.

Frankie:
And initial here and here. Bite down on this. And write your measurements.

Frankie's Daughter:
I'm a virgin again.

Frankie:
Not yet.

Hymen Guy:
[knock on door] Hymen guy.

Frankie:
Oh, good. He's here.

Hymen Guy:
[comes in] Hymen Guy.

Frankie's Daughter:
Who's this?

Frankie:
You wanted to be a virgin again. He's gonna make that dream a reality.

Frankie's Daughter:
But I don't want a new hymen. I want to go out.

Frankie:
You should have read the contract.

Hymen Guy:
Now, you got a bunch of choices. We got the Tropical Beach. That's pina colada-cherry flavored. We got the Growler, the Gobbler, Fangs for the ovaries. We got the Apple Dumpling Gang, signed by Don Knotts himself. The French Tickler for her pleasure and his au bon pain. We got the Nature's Candy, made from recycled elephant hymen and raisins. The Gray Lady. It really delivers. This is the Rice Rocket. You don't want it. It's jap crap. The We Shall Overcome. The Mud Flaps. Turn it inside out. It's a duvet. Moons over my h-ovaries. That's an anal hymen. The Lox Box, for frigid jews. They all come with the free banana, except for the We Shall Overcome.

Frankie:
We want the basic model. Nothing fancy. Standard double-wide.

Frankie's Daughter:
Daddy, this one has an mp3 player. Can I?

Frankie:
I could never say no to a virgin.

Succotash Guy:
We're back. WCRST -- Succotash and the bird in the morning. The Christian Zoo Radio hooty-hoo, featuring Succotash and the bird in the morning. Accept the savior, get into the glorious kingdom of heaven. Succotash, succotash. Call us up, win some cash! We got Christ, we got faith, we got traffic on the 1s, weather on the what?

Succotash Guy:
We got Popo the Preachin' Gorilla in the studio. How you doing today, Popo? Kind of making a splash in the preaching scene. Make a splash, make a splash, succotash. Call us up, win some cash! Well, it's 5:55. Let's check in on the 5 W's We got who, what, when, where, why -- How's the weather this morning?

Weather Man:
Weather's on the traffic. Traffic's on the --

Succotash Guy:
[interrupts] No time. Succotash, succotash. Win some cash! Accept Christ into your heart. Look down on us from the glorious kingdom of heaven. Now, Popo, I understand you're starting your own 700 club. Seven's a prime number. You're in the prime of your life. Life could change. Win a chunk of change. Succo-cash, succotash. Calls us up, win some cash.

Succotash Guy:
Got a caller on Line 7. Are you there?

Line 7:
Yeah. Did I win some cash?

Succotash Guy:
OH! So close...was the phrase that pays. And we give praise. Bow your heads. Well, thanks for coming in, Popo. Coming up, we got traffic on the 1s. It's traffic every one second. THERE'S TRAFFIC! THERE'S TRAFFIC! THERE'S TRAFFIC! NO TRAFFIC! THERE'S TRAFFIC! SIGALERT REMIX!

June:
The author is lobbing hollow praise at Popo. Popo says she understands the actor has a clip of his upcoming movie.

Christian Actor:
Yes. This is a passion project for me. It's about a good Christian who sacrifices everything. And in this scene -- Well, just take a look.

[they show a clip from the Christian Actor's upcoming movie]

Angel:
Welcome to the afterlife. You will experience an eternity of infinite joy in this realm.

Action Man:
But my sexy wife is still down there, and those filipino gators are about to eat her!

Angel:
I'm sorry. You can't go back.

Action Man:
[pulls up two rifles] I'M NOT TAKING NO FOR AN ANSWER! Get me the hell out of of heaven.

[Action Man brutally shoots the angels]

Narrator:
In the name of the father, the son, and the HOLY SHIIII--

[cuts to next scene in to the news where a monkey translate the recent news]

Newsman:
Lifting "Seventh Hellven" part eight to number one at the box office for the ninth straight week, thanks to the popo-ularity of Popo the Gorilla, who some believe is the second or even third coming of the messiah.

Newswoman:
Messiah or not, Popo has literally converted everyone on the planet to christianity. As over 5 billion served.

[Monkey gets tired of sign language and passes out]

Newsreporter:
Poor monkey. Oh, and as you may not know, every human on the earth is right now gathering in a celebration to accept Popo as our universal savior.

[shows many screen states where Japan and Africa are normal, while Canada is snowing, and Japan is dull having a low budget camera]

June:
Popo is saying that once we all accept her, we will ascend into glory. Pops says 10. Popo says 9.

[Xavier's brain juice memory ends]

Xavier:
Glory? I can't lose my love to glory. I've got to get her.

[Xavier reached into his ear to get June out of his memory]

All:
WE SURRENER TO POPO! POOO!

[a giant hand grabs June out of the planet]

Citizen Guy:
God has taken her!

All:
[in unison] WHAT THE -- WEIRD! You know, to be honest, I was a tiny bit skeptical about this whole "Popo's the Messiah" thing before that happened. But now I really do surrender to Popo!

[then a angel grabs the earth to heaven]

Angel:
We're all special.

[the crystal ball ends with the Preacher's future]

Preacher:
So if I have sex with that gorilla, the entire world will go to heaven?

Gypsy Woman:
Balls never lie. The world's hymen shall be restored...innocence regained.

Preacher:
Hot dog! I'm getting me some world-soul saving ape snoochidoo! [gives money to Gypsy Woman]

Gypsy Woman:
Sucker. Just tell them what they want to hear..."follow your heart".

Xavier:
[to Little June] Come on. You've got to be able to open your mouth wider than that.

Computer:
Xavier! I've analyzed the brain juice. The thoughts - they're coming from within your head! GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD!

[trippy mind sequence intensifies]

Narrator Girl:
And that's when he realized that to stand and consider all possibilities is to drown in a tunneling sea of infinite potentiality. So he changed his mind and took the path on the right. His right. If you are facing him, it's your left. [echoes]

[all the past characters hug Xavier for his glory respects]

Frankie:
Push! Honey, push! It's some kind of monster!

[then the past characters brutally bite Xavier to bits]

Narrator Girl:
Just two more Xaviers left. Out there. [echoing] Somewhere.

Xavier:
Self, I don't buy it. And you say to me, self. I say, yeah, who's -- [scoffs] Yeah, self, [scoffs] I got bigger fish to fry. The six-ton guppy in the room is to find my Father's killer.

Xavier:
The pride I feel for finally fingering my Father's Killer is dampened only be the fact that I promised to kill my Father's Killer. I fingered my self to death.

Xavier:
That closed circle of violence ends here at the tip of this razor of justice against my throat. Die, killer. Goodbye, killer slayer.

Bully #4:
What you doin', boy? [cracks pop]

Xavier:
Fulfilling a promise I made to a worthless murder. I was just about to cut one.

Bully #4:
Well, don't. [cracks pop]

Xavier:
Please. Leave me alone. I've got a piece of business to attend to.

Bully #5:
Y'all got a business license?

Xavier:
No, I don't.

Bully #4:
What is you, a wisenheimer?

Xavier:
Hold the heimer. I'm just a man of great wisen. Now squeeze that heimer till it pops, like a balloonafor feasting on the lifechops of his own demise. [cracks pop intensifies]

Bully #4:
That's it! Hold my books. I'm gonna rip you a new a-hole.

Bully #5:
Oh, yeah! Provide with a fresh rectum.

Bully #4:
Hold my wallet and sunglasses while I whoop him.

Bully #5:
Oh, you're going down.

Bully #4:
Best hold my contact lenses, too, and my silk shirt. Don't want to get any blood on it.

Bully #5:
Oh, yummy! There gonna be blood!

Xavier:
Please, walk away. I can't be responsible for what I'll do if you beat me to death.

Bully #4:
That tears it. Hold my prosthesis. [take off his prosthesis leg]

Bully #5:
Oh, you are in for a nubbin'.

Xavier:
I've got no beef with you. I'm woefully beefless.

Bully #4:
Well, I'm about to make you teethless. [to Bully #5] Oh, hold on to my teeth. [muffled] And hold on to my tattoo and my robotical. [takes off his robotic arm]

Bully #5:
I ain't never seen him this heated since the incident.

Xavier:
Please, hop away. You seem like smart guys. Don't turn stupid all of a sudden.

Bully #5:
That's slander! All we gots to do now is sit back, let the judicial system do its job, and watch the dollars roll in. Come on!

Bully #4:
Or...I could let Clarence Thomas here serve out his own brand of black justice.

Bully #5:
Oh, you want I should hold your toupee, too, while you fist him up, boss?

Bully #4:
You weren't supposed to tell about the -- T-THAT'S IT!

[Bully #4 and #5 jump on Xavier]

[Take that. Taste the pain. Take that. Taste the tou-tou-tou-tou-pain.]

[after Xavier got jumped by Bully #4 and #5]

Xavier:
You might as well just finish me off.

Bully #4:
I's gonna do you one worse. I'm gonna shave you down and make me a wrist-hair mustache. This W.H.M. is gonna be swee-- Huh?!

[Bully #4 sees random numbers on Xavier's arm while he was shaving it]

Bully #4:
I-I didn't know. I-I'm sorry, mister. Come -- Come on, tater.

Xavier:
These numbers. What could they be from? I need concentration. Concentration -- That's it! It's a phone number. It must be my reprieve, a last-minute cosmic pardon from the governor of circumstance.

[Both Xaviers gets into an argument call on a phone booth]

Xavier 2:
Hello? Hello?

Xavier 1:
Hello?

Xavier 2:
Who's this?

Xavier 1:
Who's this?

Xavier 2:
I'm asking the questions. I called you.

Xavier 1:
No, I called you. And you sound like the ugliest son of a b*tch I ever heard.

Xavier 2:
You sound like the physical manifestation of some loser's inner demons.

Xavier 1:
Well, you sound like some total chode's inability to confront the reality of his past actions.

Xavier 2:
If I ever get you stinky mug in my line of sight, I swear to jack off, I'll cock your clock off.

Xavier 1:
Well, I'm going to be the bigger man and hang up first and--

[Xavier 2 hangs up imeadiately]

Xavier 1:
DAMN IT!

[both Xaviers see each other in person having a roast battle as they get out of the phone booth]

Xavier 1:
Listen, we don't cotton to freaks around these parts. Scram, weirdo.

Xavier 2:
Oh, yeah? I don't Polycotton to coping tropes, even my own, So why don't you split?

Xavier 1:
Looks like I already did.

Xavier 1:
You're the sad figment of my twisted psyche's tragic dividend. You're the un-me. I'm the real me. You want to be me?

Xavier 2:
Kiddo, I was the real me when you were still in my short pants.

Xavier 1:
Hate to break it to you, but I wore them first.

Xavier 1:
Me bequeathed thee the psychopathological hand-you-down.

Xavier 2:
So you're the one who stained them.

Xavier 1:
Whoever found it browned it.

Xavier 2:
You'd like me to be you, wouldn't me? But it's too late. You snoze, you loze.

Xavier 1:
You sleeped, you weeped.

Xavier 2:
You nap-uh, you get SLAP-uh.

Xavier 1:
You slumber, a cucumber.

Xavier 2:
You catch up on some zeds, you get out of my heads.

Xavier 1:
You slumber, ham-- BURGER! I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT NOTHING ELSE.

Xavier 2:
isten, this psyche is not big enough for two metaphysical seekers.

Xavier 1:
You couldn't seek you way out of a cardboard bag.

Xavier 2:
Yeah, I know 'cause it would be an egg.

Xavier 1:
OOH! [thinking] This guy might be better than me.

Xavier 2:
You're right. I am better than me.

Xavier 1:
Look, buddy, know when you're defeated. Accept your defecation.

Xavier 2:
No, thanks. I'm full, 'cause I eat pussies like you for breakfast.

Xavier 1:
Look at you. You look so superficial, you probably judge things by their physical appearance.

Xavier 2:
Oh, yeah? Your Mom's so shallow, she probably thinks this quip is about her.

Xavier 1:
You're about as deep as a bowl of soup, and your tongue is about as sharp as a soup spoon.

Xavier 2:
Hey, say what you want about me, but lay off the soup.

Xavier 1:
If you love soup so much, why don't you marry soup.

Xavier 2:
'Cause I'm already married -- To justice.

Xavier 1:
Yeah, only a blind girl would marry you.

Xavier 2:
I know everything you're gonna do--

Xavier 1:
[hush Xavier 2] Say. And I know everything you're gonna--

Xavier 2:
[hush Xavier 1] Don't.

Xavier 1:
Oh, yeah? Well, when God was passing out insight, you thought he said "that" when God was passing out holy prophets, you thought he said "oily faucets." 'cause your soul has diarrhea of the mouth -- Faucet.

Xavier 2:
Are you so dumb, you even answer rhetorical questions?

Xavier 1:
I don't know. Do you?

Xavier 2:
We can play this game all night.

Xavier 1:
First of all, it's daytime, and this is no game.

Xavier 2:
Checkmate.

Xavier 1:
OH! So you admit that you're checking me out and you want to mate.

Xavier 2:
OOH! You got a license to sell hot dogs, chico man?

Xavier 1:
No. They wouldn't give it to me because when I was filling out the application, my penis was sticking out.

Xavier 2:
Oh, yeah? You only got one pen-eye?

Xavier 2:
Let me see it.

Xavier 1:
See with your eyes, not with your mouth.

Xavier 2:
I'll call your bluff. I'll see your penis with you mouth, and I raise you with my hand.

Xavier 1:
Ante up.

Xavier 2:
OH! DAMN IT!

Xavier 1:
What's wrong?

Xavier 2:
I crapped out, but I'm tough. I can suck it up. [grunts]

Xavier 1:
Okay. Count of three, we show what's under the loincloth. Wiener take all.

Xavier 1 & 2:
One, two, THREE.

[Xaviers shows both of their pen-eyes with different colors making a monster face with a rock on the bottom]

Xavier 2:
I guess there's only one way to settle this.

Xavier 1 & 2:
A SHAKASHURI BLOWDOWN!

Xavier 2:
I assume you're familar with St. Louis rules.

Xavier 1:
Fine. We'll blow to the death. [echoes]

Xavier 2:
Okay. Ladies first.

[16 Hours Later]

Xavier 1:
[grunts while staring at Xavier 2] FINE! I'll blow first.

Podcast Guy:
And that's time. WHOA! Heck of a shakashuri match with a lot of fast action! What do you think, Tad B. Holyburn in the scoochie booth?

Tad B. Holyburn:
I think a lot of things, but you're probably gonna cut--

Podcast Guy:
You know the stakes, Tad. Whoever wins gets his own show. And guess what, folks at home. You get to decide. That's right. Write down on a postcard who you think won and send it off. Send it where? You decide. You choose. It's up to you!

Xavier's Dad:
[to the viewers] It was YOU!

Xavier:
A mantra is a soothing sonic reverberation through the throat, but it has no meaning, no significance. It's just the empty gibberitical sound of soul serenity, vibrations devoid of implicatorial importance.

Xavier:
There's no issues. Don't look for meaning because there is none, okay? Meditation just calms me down.

Xavier:
I alone stride along to strive alone to unify all men in the greasy heat of my unifrier.

Xavier:
Back away from the boy! Uncloven his hoove. This abuse will not stand down. You can't pope with his pooper fadre. [sniffs]

Priest:
[Irish accent] I don't know what you're sayin'.

Xavier:
[to Shamus] I'll get to your bottom of this. Show me on me what the bad man did to you. Did he make you go down on your knees for him?

Shamus:
Only when he prayed with me.

Xavier:
Sounds like you were his prey.

Xavier:
Where did you come across this child? My face? Ooh, nice.

Priest:
This is a poor orphan boy from the parish. They say he was a virgin birth. But every boy needs love.

Xavier:
Well, I never got any, and I think I turned out okay. [to Shamus] Here, wear this priest-proof chastity diaper so he can't catho-lick you no more.

Priest:
Well, I don't like what you're insinuatin'.

Shamus:
That thing is scarin' me.

Xavier:
[to Priest] Okay, your "hole-ness". Let me smell your fingers. Now you smell mine. Kid, you smell his nose while I check him for lies.

[Xavier finds a bug inside of Priest's hair and ate it]

Priest:
[pulls up cross-chucks] Forgive me, Father, as I make this poor soul... [beats Xavier]

[Take that!]

Priest:
Sweet mother mary, shut your virgin eyes, as I force his arse to...

[Taste the pain.]

Priest:
You are forgiven, my child.

Xavier:
Hail mary full of gays. Well, I say you're in, in my gaze. If you so much as think about touching that boy again, I'll so much as think about doing something about it.

[after the Priest beats Xavier]

Shamus:
You did a good job keeping our secret. [evil mode] Just don't ever tell nobody about what I do to you, or I cut your parts off and feed them to my teddy bear, Mr. Ruffles.

Priest:
Okay, just don't do those things to me bad place anymore.

Shamus:
I'll do what I want, got it?

Priest:
Yes, Shamus.

Xavier:
[narrating] This happy place holds magic meaning, for 'twaaaas my mother's nickname. Truckers, delivery guys, men coming in and out of the house all day called her the Grand Canyon, but I never knew why. It's just a great wide gash, spread open for the enjoyment of all to come inside as he pleases and pleasures. Often there's a donkey in there.

Xavier:
HEE-HUH?!

[Xavier sees the couple eating pills]

Xavier:
Don't fear! Help is on the right here.

Blue Shirt Guy:
No, no. No help needed. We're fine. Right, honey? Have another one, honey?

Pink Shirt Woman:
Just enjoying this beautiful weather, laying flowers where our son was killed.

Xavier:
And I suppose you blame yourselves for his death. I know I do.

Blue Shirt Guy:
We've just been a little depressed since he died.

Pink Shirt Woman:
[happily] I am a raging hellfire of rolling misery. That's what these pink ones are for.

Xavier:
A dead child is like pudding. The proof is in the fact that he probably looked like pudding when he got hit by that car. And I think it's time you be "pudding" his chocolate memory to rest.

Blue Shirt Guy:
Rest -- Oh, have one of the green ones. They'll help you rest. You want the rest? Huh?

Xavier:
No, I don't believe in pills.

Pink Shirt Woman:
There's a pill for that, too. Here.

[Xavier's flashback intensifies]

Young Xavier:
My parakeet feeds her babies every day. How come I don't get no din-din?

Xavier's Mom:
Mommy loves only her pills. They stop my quivers!

[Xavier's Mom vomits into Young Xavier's mouth]

Young Xavier:
Thanks, mommy!

Xavier:
Pills are just a psychotropic band-aid on a biochemical crutch. I took a pill once, and I woke up with a booty hole the size of a wine bottle, fat end first.

Xavier:
But did I whine? No, I turned to the bottle. And when I woke up from that, I met up with you fine folks to warn you about pills. Just walk it off. Your child is dead, and you can never, ever replace him. [gets an idea] That's it. I can replace him.

Pink Shirt Woman:
You can?

Xavier:
By the end of the day, you will have forgotten all about your dead turtle -- I mean son. [gasps] See?

[Xavier sees Shamus doing terrible things at a orphan church school]

Xavier:
They've got this poor child pulling a train! It's time to cease the skeet and diddling and skedaddle and get you a new mommy and daddy.

[Shamus sees Xavier coming by]

Shamus:
Fresh meat.

Xavier:
Look at this den of siniquity. Even the bibles are ribbed. But for whose pleasure? They even have a sex swing set and whoopee crayons! Just need to black you up. Flesh colored? How offensive? Oh, "Shiftless". This ought to get you black on track.

[Xavier draws black stuff on Shamus' face for the couple to remember their first son, Michael]

Xavier:
This is Shaka...dingo.

Blue Shirt Guy:
He looks just like our Michael right after he got hit by that car.

Xavier:
Shakadingo, go hug your new mommy and daddy.

Pink Shirt Woman:
We're not ready for this. I can't...

[Xavier's flashback intensifies]

Xavier's Mom:
Oh, can't pick you up, dear. Mommy's holding some raw meat.

[transitions to the next scene where Xavier's Mom gets more offensive and dirty]

Xavier's Mom:
Mommy can't kiss your boo-boo! Still holding that raw meat from years ago.

[transitions to the next scene where Xavier's Mom turns into a old hag and still keeping the rotten meat when Xavier graduated]

Xavier's Mom:
MEAT!

Young Xavier:
Close your legs, mother. You're embarrassing me.

Xavier:
I'll make you all vibe together using ancient hopi tribe procedure rituals that will fashion family bondage. Ooh!

Shamus (Shakadingo):
Ooh!

Xavier:
We're re-creating the psychogenetic birthular attatchment. Push! Push!

Pink Shirt Woman:
But I can't push him out. He's not in.

Xavier:
I think I know it were I'm doing. [uses Shamus to thrust inside the woman's womb]

Blue Shirt Guy:
[in a baby outfit] I confused!

Xavier:
You've got black gobs of family holidays to make up for -- Four kwanzaas, three kwanzaweens, and a kweaster to kwetch up on. Kwere, bite the kwanzaa bean.

Blue Shirt Guy:
This isn't a real kwanzaa bean.

[Shamus and the couple pee in cups into Xavier's drink to vibe together]

Xavier:
As your brines intertwines, the co-mingling fluid familyize-ifizes you.

[Xavier drinks their pees]

Xavier:
Ahh, you are now one. Do you have any mouthwash? Your breath stinks. [splat pee over his face] Ahh!

[The Couple's final step is to save Shamus (Shakadingo) in the middle of the road]

Xavier:
And the last step -- To pick up where you left off with Michael so that Shakadingo can fill the place in your black heart that Michael so rudely interrup-died.

Xavier:
Yes, snatch him fro' the clutches whence your prior son was felleded. And yes, I glued his shoes to the road to cement a seal on the deal.

Xavier:
And yes, I tied his belt twixt two trees for kicks.

[The Couples managed to save Shamus (Shakadingo) when the car was about to him and instead hit the tree]

Pink Shirt Woman:
Oh, I never want to lose you again.

Blue Shirt Guy:
Son.

Xavier:
Frittata, family achieved. You're psycholegally adopted.

Shamus (Shakadingo):
What's that over there? A candy dolphin?

Xavier:
OOH! CANDY DOLPHIN?! Where is it? Maybe if I look real hard...

Shamus (Shakadingo):
[evil mode] I'm gonna do bad things to you tonight and make you suffer for my pleasure.

Blue Shirt Guy:
AAH!

Xavier:
What? I see what's going on. You're trying to distract me to keep me from seeing a sweet land dolphin.

Xavier:
There's something fishy about you two. As this child's weenie-minder, I am policing you now, and I'll coupulater if you so much as yodel his scrotal or fiddle his faddle.

Xavier:
I have reason to believe this kid's lower back bottom was once treated like Grand Central Station. And I got four tickets to the opera. We'll get there by train. Up his...

[cuts to the next scene where a women is vocalizing in an opera]

Blue Shirt Guy:
AAH!

[Shamus (Shakadingo) give the Blue Shirt Guy a warning threat after he cutted the Blue Shirt Guy's private area]

Shamus (Shakadingo):
[evil mode] If you say anything, you gonna wake up with your face in my tummy 'cause I ated it.

Xavier:
What were you two doing in the bathroom during intermission?

Blue Shirt Guy:
We were just talking --

Shamus (Shakadingo):
Eatin' ice cream.

Blue Shirt Guy:
I mean, talking about ice cream that we were just eating.

Xavier:
What but were you doing in there earlier?

Blue Shirt Guy:
I was being raped --

[Shamus (Shakadingo) stomps on Blue Shirt Guy's foot]

Blue Shirt Guy:
By flavor! He just shoved the cone right in me.

Pink Shirt Woman:
Last night, he gave me...

[Shamus (Shakadingo) stared at her deadly]

Pink Shirt Woman:
A banana split, and it hurt.

Blue Shirt Guy:
I can't take it anymore. Open your mouth.

[Blue Shirt Guy forcefully put pills into Shamus' mouth by becoming good and clearing all of his blackness away]

Xavier:
What are you doing to the boy's mouth?!

Shamus:
Mommy, daddy, I sorry I hurt you. I won't anymore. Can I have more pills?

Pink Shirt Woman:
Yes, have all you want, son.

Xavier:
Pills. You can't swallow your way to happiness. You couldn't even swallow your way out of a bus-station bathroom. What are these pills?

Blue Shirt Guy:
Fiddelin. Don't worry -- They're spiritually based drugs. Look.

[Blue Shirt Guy plays the Fiddelin commercial on TV]

Fiddelin Announcer:
Recent science has discovered that, for thousand of years, tibetan monks used gutteral prayer chants to sooth their yellow souls in the yellow face of their yellow oppressors.

Fiddelin Announcer:
But in our sophisticated world.. [pans to the next scene where a fat guy watching tv eating junk food] Who has time for that noise?

Fiddelin Announcer:
You've got enough on your plate. Let Fiddelin do the spiritual legwork for you. At transcendental medication, we sonically condense the biodharmic vibrations of over 1,000 monk chants into every pill.

Fiddelin Announcer:
Scienspritific audiologists have found that vibration from a monk's throat doesn't radiate in megaheartz but in megahearts.

Jamician Atom:
COME TO JAMAICA!

Fiddelin Announcer:
If not now, when? If not it, what? If not things, stuff? Side effects include wetmouth, plaid blood, frozen day rate, herniated monsterism, taint mishbehaving, urethral scremage, global colostomy face, wrongbody, restless lung syndrome, and sexual diarrhea. Do not wake the sleeping yellow dragon.

Fiddelin Announcer:
Who says you can't find purity in a pill? Tune in to Fiddelin with your soul.

[Xavier splits the Fiddelin pill in half]

Xavier:
Oh, no! My sacred momtra is being commodified. These fiddelin monks are being explat upon. They're being played like a fiddle! I'll stop that racket with my enlightened violins.

[Xavier goes to Fiddelin Headquarters to stop the monk chanting madness]

Xavier:
The man is sploiting in your face. Who are your bosses? Show yourselves, you cowards!

Monk:
We own the temple. We are our own bosses.

Xavier:
So, it's you, you rat!

Monk:
We are simple people, happy to share our love with all.

Xavier:
Where I come from, sharing love without making a profit is called being a whore. And the working conditions here are whorifying.

Xavier:
You've got to unionize, to strike. Shut this place down until you give yourself the demands you desire.

Monk:
Buddha say material desire is poisionous.

Xavier:
Then that union-busting tub of tard's gonna find a buddup his ass. They're treating you monks like monkeys! Well, I say lets hurl our feces at them until they see us as men!

Monk:
We are content to visualize world peace.

Xavier:
We'll visualate their shamefulizing with a giant, inflatable union rat.

[Xavier blows the rat up like an inflatable popping balloon]

Xavier:
[to the other monks] Now we march. No justice, no chants! No justice, no chant-- WHY AREN'T YOU CHANTING?!

Monk:
We prefer the sacred silence.

Xavier:
Oh, break them down with the silent treatment, eh? So devilish, it's clevelish. I can hear it working on you already. YOU HEAR THAT SILENCE?! [slaps the monk] CAN YOU TAKE IT?! THE CRUSHING BLOW OF THAT FIERY SILENCE AS IT EXPLODES IN YOUR EAR WITH SILENCE! [imitates the sound of car] Vroom! Rrrr! Vroom!

Monk:
Okay, we surrender if you get off your bike. Surely, indulging in some small luxury will not lead to an infection of greed.

[6 Months Later]

[the Fiddelin Company starts to shut down and let machines do the work]

Xavier:
You've gotten lazy and nonproductive. You've taken americans' jobs.

Lazy Monk:
How can we chant and eat at the same time? Let the ma-chinge get it.

Xavier:
Ma-chingay?

Lazy Monk:
We made the Vibulator 2000. It does the grunt work of 3,000 monks. Then why didn't we call it the 4000? No one knows.

Xavier:
What operating system she running? Dos Ex Machina?

[Xavier kicks the Vibulator 2000 making it into natural disaster]

Xavier:
Which one of you chinkcanos kinked my machingay?

Xavier:
It's an airquake! A soulshake! My god! The Grand Canyon is closing up!

Young Xavier's Voice:
Close your legs, mother.

Xavier:
Thank you for closing your legs, mommy.

Xavier:
How would calm this tremor? Pills.

[Xavier takes the pill stature from Shamus]

Xavier:
Open wide. Time to take out the, litter-ally, your medicine.

[Xavier show the pill statue into the Vibulator 2000, making it earth disintegrate itself]

Xavier:
YOU'VE WOKEN THE YELLOW DRAGON! I've got to act now. This the 9/11 of noise, Chernobyl of Chanting, the Hiroshima of Humping, the Nagaski of Nookie, the Dachau of Auschwitzes!

Xavier:
Wait, I'm the the three mil island of goin 3 miles off-message. And what a mess this is...age. Yep, skated out of it.

[when the earth disintegrated, all of life suddenly turned back into a woman statue]

Xavier:
I told you I'd make you vibe together.

Blue Shirt Guy, Pink Shirt Woman, & Shamus:
[in unison] Leave us alone, you freak!

Xavier:
You can't call me freak!

Blue Shirt Guy, Pink Shirt Woman, & Shamus:
[in unison] What are you gonna do? Tell your mommy?

Xavier:
Yes, that's exactly what I'm going to do.

[Xavier digs the grave for his mommy]

Xavier:
Mommy! Mommy! I have to tell you something! This wonderful family, they -- HUH?!

Xavier:
My god, it's just her meat. That means she's still alive out there. I'm going to search far and wide and totally tattle to my MOOOO--

[then Xavier and the Earth got disintegrated again]

Xavier:
How do you make a man? A quarter-pound of deboned spine, a little salt of the earth, and for punch, a pinch of paprika of protection.

Xavier:
If I was a car, I'd be a protecto-rati. If a kangar me be, 'tis true, protecto-roo. Serve warm over protectio-roni -- [sees a construction worker washing windows on the top building] OH, NO!

Xavier:
SIR, DON'T JUMP! You have so much to live for.

Construction Window Worker:
Eh, blow it our your rump! I'm trying to work here, freak.

Xavier:
I know things look bleak now. No disguising you have the whiff of stench life about you.

Construction Window Worker:
I do? [sniffs one of his armpits]

Xavier:
I know it is tempting to escape the misery of your daily grind.

Construction Window Worker:
No more pain ever again?

Xavier:
Sure, jumping would be an exhilarating and glorious end -- Sweet, succulent, full release all over the sidewalk.

Construction Window Worker:
He's right. LIVE WITH THIS, REGINAAAAA! [smooches a kiss to Regina by the window before he die]

[the construction worker mistakenly suicide himself]

Xavier:
Why did you suicided? Don't be an indian giver. Life is a gift.

[Xavier's flashback intensifies]

Chief Master Guru:
The gift of life is its presence. But, in injun-giving presence, truly the giver is the receiver of a re-give-ed gift.

[Young Xavier opens up the gift revealing a hand choking him]

Young Xavier:
[strangled] I...love...it.

[Young Xavier flashes before his eyes meeting the same construction worker that died choking Xavier with his tongue and having lips for eyes]

Construction Windows Worker:
Redeem my life.

[Xavier's flashback ends]

Xavier:
I will carry on your life legacy as your redeemer. I shall take up your squeegie and squeege all that you have left unsquoge. [check the worker's pockets] Mister...mister...SQUA? [has a Free Grinder card]

Xavier:
I shall redeem this on your behalf, ensure that your wasted life was not squandered in vain. Your legacy, Mr. Squa, shalt live on in my belly. I can feel it in my GUUUUT.

Food Worker:
What do you want on your sandwich?

Xavier:
I want something that will do due diligence on a man's life.

Food Worker:
Doo doo? We've got luncheon loaf.

Xavier:
That'll do, Brian.

Food Worker:
For a dollar extra, you can get that on our famous chicken bone bread. Chicken Bone Bread -- The only bread that'll [pulls the bell] choke you with flavor.

Xavier:
[to Customer] WHAT WOULD SQUA DO?

[Customer starts to choke on a bone when he was eating the hoagie]

Customer #2:
He's choking! Do the heimlich maneuver!

Xavier:
NO!

[as the customer was able get the bone out of the male customer's mouth, the bones starts to go inside to another customer]

Customer #3:
She's choking! Do the heimlich maneuver!

Xavier:
No. [echoes]

[Xavier's flashback intensifies]

Young Xavier:
Mommy, are you okay?

Xavier's Mom:
Yeah, they're just giving me the heimlich maneuver.

Young Xavier:
All six of those guys?

Xavier's Mom:
It's not a very good maneuver.

Xavier:
Stop this cycle of choke-ulenece! The heimlich maneuver is the barbaric product of a backwards and upside-down mind. We've got to act quick. Time is ticking. Tick, tock. Tick. A talking tick? What would a talking tick say?

[while the Don Ho is still choking, Xavier babbles about the tick-tocking moment]

Xavier:
And that is how I developed my own chicken-choking maneuver. As a tribute to my mother, I practice it on myself at night. Behold.

[Xavier inhales to blow Don Ho's butt inside his body blowing air to blow the bone out of the Mafia's mouth and hitting some rando's car]

Don Ho:
That was close call. Why you likey do this favor for me?

Xavier:
A great man in his final moments requested "Blow it out your rump".

Don Ho:
Me thinkee me should sue this place long time.

Xavier:
Who will be your witness?

Don Ho:
I'll be my own witness.

Xavier:
Then you're a target. They're going to try to stop you from testifying. They've already tried to kill you once. I'll stay on as your protection, and I won't rest until you aren't killed by those chicken-chokers who won't rest until you've been whacked off.

Don Ho:
Someone wants me dead?

Xavier:
Hell, you may not live to hear the end of this sennnnn -- [crawls up to Don Ho's chest] Tense, isn't it?

Don Ho:
This kook is spookin' me. Am I nuts?

Singing Henchman:
He did save your life, boss. And he seems sweet like [singing] yummy candy, whoo!

Xavier:
The case of the detecting clues begins. First -- What do you do?

Don Ho:
I guess you could say protection business.

Xavier:
Protection. We fellow protectorators are comrades conjoined at the coin, co-coinels on the same corncob. I thrust my trust into you, come thick or thicker than blood, brother.

Don Ho:
Now I'm really spooked.

Don Ho:
You're supposed to pay me 10 G's a month. I'd hate to have to use this on you, Pavlov. We both know how it ends up.

[Pavlov randomly starts get bruises on his body]

[Don Ho hangs Pavlov upside down to see where the money is]

Xavier:
[to Pavlov] I'm heading up this case. What do you know about chicken-choking? Where were you on the night in question? You seem awfully nervous for a guy who's totally freaked out right now. Do the words...mean anything to you?

Xavier:
Are you that slippery throat-boner I'm itching to snatch?

Pavlov:
[to Singing Henchman] Who's the new guy?

Xavier:
Without me, he'd be dead. Imagine a crab without its shell. Imagine a man without his skin.

Pavlov:
Okay, I want to keep my skin. I pay! I pay!

Don Ho:
[to Xavier] This monkey on my back has a got a twisted mind. But I like it. That's the twist.

Don Ho:
[to Pavlov] Sorry I had to hang you upsy-daisy.

Singing Henchman:
Listen, boss, it doesn't sound so tough saying, "upsy-daisy". Sounds like some kind of silly song, like -- [singing] Upsy-daisy, upsa-doo, let me have some candy, and let me love you!

Don Ho:
SHUT UP! SHUT UP! You're a good henchman, disgracio, BUT YOU SHOULD SHUT YOUR TRENCHEON AND STICK TO YOUR HENCHIN'.

Singing Henchman:
Aw, come on, boss, you got the only singing henchman in the business. It's a twofer. [singing] I'm your twofer, got a sweet tooth for candy-andy yummy sweets. Oh, candy, whoo.

Don Ho:
SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

Singing Henchman:
Hey, boss, you're getting kind of riled up. Here, have a hot towel. [singing] Hot towels, hot cocoa, and marshmall-ooh --

[while the Singing Henchman puts the hot towel on the Don Ho's head, he then starts to drop the act and ask Xavier about the plan he mentioned]

Singing Henchman:
[normal voice] You're the backup I asked form right? What are you, CIA? FBI?

Xavier:
I'm investigating for a higher power.

Singing Henchman:
I don't know how much you've been briefed, but I've been on the inside tracking Don Ho undercover 12 years. I'm this close to his big secret. Obviously, I made some bad decisions on my first day, and I've just had to stick with them. I was a hotshot kid just out of the academy, and they didn't give us enough on character development, so I was just free-balling it. I started this singing-henchman thing out of nervousness, and then the candy thing just happened. I see you've made some bad choices, too. You got the fur and the fake snake hand.

[Snake Hand bites Singing Henchman]

Singing Henchman:
Wait. You're not a cop. [goes back to acting] Ooh, candy and goo, lovin' choco-moo, yummy-yum-yum cookie, whoo.

Don Ho:
You still singing?

Singing Henchman:
No, boss, I stopped singing some time ago. [sings] Whoa!

Xavier:
I just put the pieces together about what's really going on here -- A "Don," The "Protection Business," "Cops". The cops might have info about the case of the chicken-choker. We ought to squeeze the cops and see what grease squeezes out.

Don Ho:
I think I get it. We put the squeeze on the cops. You're so smart, I'm getting a smard-on -- SZECHUAN BEEF!

Police Officer:
Hey, look, it's Dale from that undercover thing.

Singing Henchman:
[singing] Candy and goo and don't talk-a-loo. [making a slice head gesture]

Don Ho:
[lisping] Youse guys gots yourselves some real nice law-enforcement facilities here. It'd be a shame if someone slobbered all over it. Maybe if you give to my fund, there won't be any crime or extortion right around here.

Police Officer:
I don't know what you're talking about, but I'll pay you money to stop spitting on me.

[Xavier finds a secret file]

Xavier:
Bingo-doodle-doo. No question my detective work paid off.

Don Ho:
Me likey your style.

Xavier:
Wait. The file says Chicken Chikowski is dead. He's trying to kill you from the afterlife. How do you kill a dead killer? YOU CAN'T. You have to change his mind, go talk to sense into him on the other side.

Don Ho:
Yeah, taking sense into people from another realm. That's some real unexplored turf.

Xavier:
Okay, shove the bone in your throat, and when you say the six code words, I'll blow.

[Don Ho shoves the bone into his mouth to go into afterlife]

Don Ho:
This is a glorious and loving light you got up in here. It sure would be a shame if this heavenly light were to be shamed right up your genitalia. So you just sit tight while I take my cut.

[Don Ho starts to get light balls in the afterlife]

Don Ho:
THE SIX CODE WORDS!

[Xavier blows the bone out from Don Ho's mouth to bring him back to the real world with the case of light balls he got back from the afterlife]

Don Ho:
This is just the first chapter in near-death extortionism. I'm gonna be the guy behind the guy beyond the grave. Best part is, the cops can't touch me -- No jurisdiction.

Don Ho:
[to Xavier] You're a real wise guy.

Xavier:
So Disgraco can't go, 'cause he's a cop? [referring to the Singing Henchman]

Don Ho:
What are you revealing to me? He's a rat? Breaks my heart.

Don Ho:
Hey, Disgracio, I got you a nice, big piece of candy, right through there.

Singing Henchman:
[singing] Candy is yummy, all in my tummy, yes, candy is--

[as the Singing Henchman gets close to the door, the door opens to be a manly naked beast]

Singing Henchman:
Oh, fudge.

[the manly naked beast rips the singing henchman to shreds]

Xavier:
DISCRACI-- NO! What the hell did you died to him? Who is those?

Don Ho:
My ancient chitalianese secret. I've been raisin the ultimate hit man from the time he was a baby. I taught him to kill without conscience -- Raised on hate in filth and darkness. And I fed him only lizards, paramecium, and starfish livers, all regenerative animals, so he can heal himself. Look. [cuts on one of the manly naked beast's fingers and the beast actually regrowth another finger]

Don Ho:
There's only one problem. He doesn't like his life.

[shows the manly naked beast tearing up]

Don Ho:
But I don't care, seeing as how I'm in the mafia.

Xavier:
You're in the MOB?! No wonder I didn't suspect a thing. Well, your butthole can kiss my lips goodbye.

Don Ho:
I can get anyone to take me to the other side. And with all this afterlight, I'm gonna be the dawn of death.

Xavier:
If you doughnut stay away from death, then I'll make you choke on the hole.

[Xavier shows the briefcase of afterlight into Don Ho's face confessing all the havoc he's done]

Don Ho:
I see the light flashing before my eyes -- All the killing I done, all the pain I caused. I've disrespected the universal law of love.

Xavier:
[to the viewers] To win the game.

Don Ho:
I'm gonna give away all my things and devote my life to spreading joy.

Xavier:
Just blow, hoser. I've got to rehabilitate this beastlet.

Xavier:
Enchante. I am your mental mentor, your sensei of the senses, here to teach you the ways of life, love, culture. Let's start with early matisse. Do you find the gar mange of his lines to be derivative of the neoclassicists in their pastel insouciance?

Manly Naked Beast:
[grunts]

Xavier:
I know what you mean. You mean, "I don't know what you mean."

Xavier:
I shall teach you to speak. I'm a great english teachulator. You want me to tit you? One grunt for "yes".

Manly Naked Beast:
[grunts] [grunts]

Xavier:
Ooh, you want it double bad, huh? Okay, two grunts will mean "no". Three grunts means "cheese". Can you say cheese?

Manly Naked Beast:
[grunts] [grunts] [grunts]

Xavier:
I've got to prioritize these words right. Let's see -- Four grunts will mean "prioritize".

Manly Naked Beast:
[grunts] [grunts] [grunts] [grunts]

Xavier:
And that's how you say "clock".

Xavier:
Well, I think I taught you every word and stretch there is. Say cheese.

Manly Naked Beast:
[grunts] [grunts] [grunts]

Xavier:
So, what do you want to do now?

Manly Naked Beast:
[grunts] [grunts] [grunts] [grunts] [grunts]

Xavier:
WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO COMMIT SUICIDE?!

[Manly Naked Beast shoots himself splitting into two people]

Xavier:
I know you crave release from your misery, but you've just doubled your depression.

[one of the two Manly Naked Beasts chainsawed and hang himself to death growing more manly naked beasts into quadruples]

Xavier:
You've just quadrupled your squagmire.

[all of the tiny manly naked beasts suicide themselves into a woodchipper]

Xavier:
Your immortality is a cursed cage. Death is the gift you shan't receive.

Little Manly Naked Beasts:
[all grunting]

Xavier:
What's that? You want to kill the architect of your inesquapable despair? He already apolo-jizzed. I vowed to protect that mafioso, help me. Help is on my way, and I'll be right behind me.

[Xavier stop to get some ice cream on the way back before he was about to save Don Ho]

Xavier:
Ooh, I came as soon as I could.

[Little Manly Naked Beasts gets inside into Don Ho's body playing around with his lungs and other body parts]

Don Ho:
Why am I hitting myself? Why am I hitting myself?

Xavier:
Oh, no. It's an inside job.

[Xavier does the hemlich manuever technique again to blow all the naked little many beasts out of Don Ho's mouth]

Xavier:
[to Don Ho] I told you someone was out to kill you.

Xavier:
This is what the tandem cycle of random violence breeds -- A vengeful black hit sludge with a grudge hath wrought the reaper you've sewn in the goo of your guilt, as the creeme de your kharma is roosting home to harm ya. It always ends up boning the poor.

[Little Manly Naked Beasts dragged Don Ho into his doom]

Don Ho:
He's puling me back in. I want to make you an offer. With your goo power and my crime smarts, we could muscle all of cosmic consciousness to make us rich beyond beliefs. What do you say? Partners?

[Little Manly Naked Beasts dishonored the deal and blows up the Don Ho to pieces until it the naked beasts transform into a big gift]

Xavier:
You got your gift after all, kid. Happy death day.

[Xavier opens up the gift revealing that the hand who's choking Young Xavier's neck from Xavier's flashback ago was actually Adult Xavier the whole time]

Xavier:
I've got your gift. It's mine. I'll never let go. I'll never let go. I'll never let go.

Xavier:
These byways of american't are crusted con-carnage, paved graves that though connect us, so too tear us from nature's call. I'm up to my nostrils in nature's call, ankle-deep in carci.

Xavier:
Most folk are blind to the corpses that riddle the geno-side of the road. I was taught to respect the the sacridity of each creature, to use every part of the kill.

[Xavier went to a restaurant for someone who wants meat from dead animals]

Xavier:
Yoo-hoo! Who here receives meat? [to Hostess] Oh! I hope it's you.

Hostess:
Ugh! Can I help you to not be in here?

Xavier:
You just struck the lotto d'beef. I can't let it go to waste when it could go to pot.

Hostess:
If you're trying to talk your way into the bathroom, it's for customers only.

Xavier:
Its own juicy flesh is the greatest gift a beast can bestow. We are nourished by its juicy life-force. We absorb the cosmic energy of its juicy being. Here.

[Xavier dumps dead animals on the floor]

Hostess:
We have higher meat standards.

Xavier:
You're one of those organic free-range nazis, huh?

Hostess:
Much higher.

Xavier:
Well, Higher-eil-- Meatler. [almost about to do the cursed germany hand signal]

[Hostess gives Xavier a tour about the Natural Causes Restaurant]

Hostess:
Here each of our livestock is ensured a full, rewarding existence, waited on hand and hoof, a pampered life free from all suffering so that its aural energies are karmically pure.

Hostess:
We allow every beast the freedom to make any alternative lifestyle choice he, she, or he/she desires. Only after it dies of natural causes in the arms of its loved ones do we even think about serving it.

Hostess:
Our sensitive clientele demands a dining experience free from the infected, cannibalistic insanity of mad cow or crazy rascal's disorder.

Xavier:
That's fascinating. Anyway, so, can I use your bathroom or not?

Hostess:
I knew it. Terry, throw this guy outta here!

[as Xavier gets thrown outta the window from the restaurant in slow motion, one of the hobos criticize how badly fancy the restaurant is]

Hobo #2:
Those big shots in there is like, "Looky me! I'm special! I ate somethin' fancy"!

Hobo #1:
What I'm saying is we got to legalize glue, man. It's got other uses that aren't just mind-expanding, like...

[Hobo sees a Xavier in slow motion crashing through the window, while the other hobo repeats the same quote throughout the episode]

Hobo #1:
Whoa! Look. [pokes the slow motion Xavier] That thing is weird, man. [serious side] What are you talkin' about? That thing's been here for 6 months.

Hobo #1:
Watch it, freakbeat! You spilled my glue -- Like our society, man.

Xavier:
Why are you huddled messes writhing in vagabondage? Ooh!

Hobo #1:
The founding fathers grew glue on the blue on our flag. Hey, who are you, man?

Xavier:
I am he who can't be blind to this squalora. As long as one man goes hungry, no one should eat until everyone is full.

Hobo #1:
I know! The war on glue is a failure of a waste of money with a capital "T", and that's for freedom! Hey, who are you, man?

Xavier:
That broil meat is treated like juicy royalty, while you sad animals are throat like beef, stewing in your own juicy pant gravy. I've just epiphanized a way to make your wretched life lap luxury in the lap of life and to get me a number-one-way ticket to bladder's splatter bliss. Just got to get ahold of some pigskin.

[Xavier heads to the sport store to find footballs for pigskin for the hobos]

Xavier:
This is my shimmering life prize. All I must do is create a diversion? What could distract people who love sports? [echoing] Sports? Sports?

Xavier:
[chanting] Sports! Sports! Sports!

All:
SPORTS! SPORTS! SPORTS! SPORTS!

[Xavier puts football skin on the hobos to get inside the Natural Causes Restaurant]

Hobo #1:
This glue on my skin is like mother's milk in the eye of the diamond in the sea of the...hey, who put this turd on my cake?

Xavier:
I'm empignating you. Once we get in the resta-ranch, just behave like the hogs you are, and you'll be ravaged by lavishness and I'll get urethral relief by the skin of these balls.

Xavier:
I've returned to empork you. Brought you some pigs to coddle, too.

Hostess:
Oh, the precious animals of the world!

Xavier:
And now can I squirrel it in your turlet?

Hostess:
Make it quick.

Xavier:
Bingo-doodle-loo!

[the hobos enjoy their relaxation at Natural Cause Restaurant]

Hobo #1:
I'm finally being treated like a human. [Hobo's PTSD eyes intensifies] Maybe now I can stop huffing to forget my nightmares of war.

Xavier:
Zip it.

Xavier:
Where's your associate? [referring Hobo #2]

Xavier:
SOOEY! Here, piggy, piggy, piggy!

Hostess:
He moistened to death in a tub of lotion. They're serving him now.

[one of the customers took a bite of the hobo hoagie that changes their personalities as the same Hobo #2 with the same quote]

Customer #1:
Looky me! I'm special! I ate somethin' fancy!

Customer #2:
Looky me! I'm special!

Hostess:
Mad Madmen's Disease. Was that TAINTED HOG?!

Xavier:
Taint? Hog? It's mannibalism.

Xavier:
They've eaten your little booty buddy. I mean, I assume you two were, uh...enh-uh! Enh-uh! [making a sex gesture]

Hobo #1:
Nothing I love sticks with me. I need a stronger adhesive than glue to heal my wounds. [starts to inhale tacks in one of his nostrils]

Young Xavier:
Chief, I want to learn every step of healing.

Chief Master Guru:
Young one, in order to heal a wound, there must first be a wound.

[CMG fires a wound into Xavier's arm]

Young Xavier:
A sore is a door through which the source of your suffering can escape.

[Little CMG comes out of Xavier's wound]

Chief Master Guru:
I can teach you that pain is all in your head.

Young Xavier:
Please! Hurry!

[CMG whack Young Xavier with a shovel]

Chief Master Guru:
Now the pain is all in your head.

Xavier:
I'm going to take you on a 12-step journey of a thousand rehabilimiles to the land of you. For now, to face your fears, you first must face the fear of your face. Look at what's become of ye.

[Hobo #1 looks at a mirror]

Hobo #1:
This is dumb, man. What am I looking for?

[Xavier hits the hobo with a shovel making the Hobo have an aura]

Hobo #1:
What's that, man?

Xavier:
That's your aura. Tune in to it.

Aura:
I'm hurting. Who wants to party?

Hobo #1:
What's an aura?

Xavier:
'Tis the luminous echo of your brute physicalia, the ultimate ethereal glue that entwines the ego with the universal field of consciousness.

Hobo #1:
Ultimate glue, man? I like the sound of that!

[Hobo #1 looks at the ballet teach and students' auras]

Ballet Teacher:
What are you two doing in here?

Hobo #1:
[huffs the aura from them] Pure, uncut aura! This is the good stuff. You want a hit?

Xavier:
Pain is never the fault of the feeler. It's just the fault of all the actions you consciously chose to make.

Aura:
Why would you blame the vicitm?! [beats Xavier] Take that! taste the pain!

Xavier:
[to Aura] All of your abuse won't stop me from saving your life. We all tough-love you, and we're here for you. This is an inner-vention. [whispers the ballet girl] You like subtle distinctions?

Aura:
Ever since you said you loved me, things have gotten really weird around here.

Xavier:
[whispers the ballet girl] I'll handle this. [to Aura] You think you can make it on your own?! I'd like to see you dive!

Aura:
I HATE YOU!

Xavier:
[whispers the ballet girl] I got this completely under control. [to Aura] Little lady, as long as you live under my ballet studio that we just broke into, you live under my rules!

Aura:
[leaves out of Hobo's body] You're not my real dad! You're never gonna see me again!

Xavier:
Go on. Run away. Those mean streets will eat you out and spit you up and down its mouth. Ooh!

Xavier:
[talks about Aura] And I didn't rest, nor did I kill. I shadowed her with all my might, kept her in my sights like rights on whites, biding my time, waiting to strike like a salvationating viper of revival, blanched in the venomous knowledge that you can't un-cat-a-tastrophe before it becomes a crisis any more than you can a heal a wound that isn't there or save a life that is alive.

Xavier:
I watched her get into some bad stuff -- Smack, crim-cram, jimminies, drumbels, and sci-fi. She hit rock bottom when she left strangers enter her for money and gave them her aural pleasures till they had a souljaculation, a spiritgasm in her chasm.

Xavier:
Before long, she was turning tricks in a brothel for a pimp, name of Per Se. I decided to go in undercover -- Deep undercover -- Deeper than the depthiousness of deepiness-ness-ness-ness-ness-ness-ness-ness.

Xavier:
You her pimp?

Per Se:
I'm not a pimp, Per Se, but I could get you some, Per Se, if you give me that fly-ass coat.

Aura:
[on phone] Do you want aural or hand-aural?

Aura:
How'd you find me?!

Xavier:
[takes off his last mustache disguise] Guess again. I've come to break you out of here. You can't be happy in this religiz bizsniz.

Aura:
I am a strong, independent aura! I'm in control of my life! And I feel whole when someone's inside of me.

Xavier:
Welp, I gave it it my best shot. [epic twist] And since you're so liberalated, I wouldn't mind feeling that "whole" myself.

Aura:
But you're, like, my family. You're disgusting.

Xavier:
Oh, so you'll be quitting after all? Miss conceited has conceded to the grander wizard.

[Aura tries to do a souljaculation on Xavier]

Aura:
[moans] I can't do this! You're just too... [vomits]

Xavier:
Come on. Just finish me off. It's all the way up to my nose, ready to blow. I came in for nuttin', and I got nuttin' -- Like, I never came.

Per Se:
[to Aura] Your 2:00 sheep is here.

Hostess:
Okay! Woolsy wants a donkey punch. And no chitchat.

Xavier:
This is unnatural. [to Aura] What's that sore on your side? Are you using protection?

Per Se:
[to Xavier] I'm her protection, n*gga.

[Per Se throws Xavier out through the glass window]

Xavier:
This madness could lead to chaos.

[Xavier's flashback intensifies]

Chief Master Guru:
A yogi must learn to master chaos. A butterfly flapping its wing to the east can cause a tsunami in Japan. If I flap its wings upwards...

[Xavier gets hit in the head by a branch]

Chief Master Guru:
...good thing happen. And if I make two of them kiss...

[Xavier gets struck by lightning]

Chief Master Guru:
Of course, some things are totally beyond my control.

[CMG controls the butterflies to throw Young Xavier out through a random glass window ending his flashback sequence]

Xavier:
I am the only thing standing betwixt this town and chaos.

Xavier:
OH, NO! The infection is already afoot, spreading like a mother's legs on free peanut butter day.

[Xavier uses the sore as a megaphone to tell the people that they've been infected with a disease]

Xavier:
Your auras are being infected with a spiritually transmitted disease. You have soul sores, chakra chancres, psyche scabs, life-force lesions! [eats the sore] Act now and get some supper goo gu!

[the Hobo's PTSD eyes of everything he witness starts to become real in real life]

Xavier:
The very stuff of your collective spiritual reality is breaking out! Be careful. A soul is a door through which the source of your suffering can escape.

Xavier:
Your quick-fix, free-range chickens of spiritual chaos are coming home to roost-a-doodle -- Whoa! Frittata! The sore -- It's closing up around the town!

Xavier:
I've got one chance to lance this boil. A real pimp will pop this pimple.

[Xavier goes into the sports store to use a pole vault as a bow and arrow]

Xavier:
If any any ladies see me save this town, I'm going to be knee-deep in...PUS?!

[Xavier shoots the sore turning it into snow]

Xavier:
You people have forgotten the true meaning of Christmas! It's about playing tribute to our proud veterans who fought and died for our right to die in a fight to the death.

Hobo #1:
Veteran? I tried to sign up for war, but they said I was too crazy to kill.

[Hobo's PTSD eyes starts to show a burning american flag and shows the words, "Happy Halloween"]

Hobo #1:
Boo. Boo.

Xavier:
Well, this all started when you separated from your aura. You've got to get back.

Hobo #1:
I smoked too much cement.

[Xavier picks up the hobo which somehow turned into cement all of sudden]

Xavier:
You're hard as a rock. I know where to stick you in.

[Xavier sticks the hobo inside the aura's sore inhaling all of the town's madness turning the hobo into Santa]

Hobo Santa:
Ho ho ho! I feel pure again! And as mayor, I vow to ensure that our spiritual experiences are substantive! Thanks, Xavier, wherever you are!

[Hobo Santa suddenly got exploded from Xavier inside his body]

Xavier:
Yep. Glad I could help, makes me feel so fulfilled, I just could -- OOH! [suddenly starts to fly away by having a souljaculation by fulfilling himself] THE BUTTERFLIES OF SPIRITUAL CHAOS ARE HATCHING!

Xavier:
A friendship is a sacred floater, a kemo-thera-sabe-putic bond twixt two 'N's, like cookies 'n' beans, franks 'n' cream, friends. I've never supped from the meat cup of having even on chum. But my crony-less-ness is aboot to died of loneliness-ness, for today is the day I make my first real friend.

[Xavier makes a buddy out of cat feathers and eagle mud]

Xavier:
Constructed fromst cat feathers 'n' eagle mud. I do believe SUGURA 'n' I shall become the bosomest of brahs.

Xavier:
I love you, Suggy. Are you my mommy?

[close up on Xavier's eye]

Young Xavier:
Hold me, mommy.

[Sugura starts to blow away]

Xavier:
Oh, come on, prude, you know you want it. No one has to know. SUGURA, NO!

[Sugura beats Xavier]

Xavier:
Betrayed yet again. But 'tweren't Sugura who blew me off. 'Twas my new nemesis -- The wind, mine enema numbero un.

Xavier:
Wind, you have fume-miliated me for the last time -- Always putting on airs. You're just rejected breath from the great cosmic yawn of consciousness. Blow me, win-duh. More like "Lose-duh". I declarate war on thine.

[Xavier sees a man working on windmills]

Xavier:
[whisper] Yes, enslave the wind, capturuously enyoke the gutless bloke.

[Eric turns around and sees Xavier then throws up]

Eric:
Get away from me.

Xavier Noble sir, you make the wind succumb, throwing work to the wind like an ox or moron. You're the enemy of my enemy, my friend.

Eric:
Guy, you obviously have no friends.

Xavier:
With these pinwheels, you grab wind by the scruff of its neck and whip the wicked fiend into suckling at the hot dog of your bidding.

Eric:
Yeah, one thing I learned from the ex -- You can't control nature.

[Xavier's flashback intensifies]

Chief Master Guru:
Young one, a true master can control nature. I can make these green trees... [closes Young Xavier's eyes]

[3 Months Later]

Chief Master Guru:
[opens up Young Xavier's eyes] Turn brown.

Young Xavier:
Wow! And my beard got so soft! You really are a friend, huh?

Chief Master Guru:
Hmm. There's a thin line between a friendship and a foeboat.

[Young Xavier's flashback intensifies]

Young Xavier:
I wish for a friends. [blows out the candles] Wind is the unanswered wish breath of a lonely boy.

[Xavier's flashback ends with his eyes spinning around like a casino game, and then seeing a donkey]

Xavier:
Stupid donkey.

[Xavier proves Eric to be his friend by showing an Inidan guy magically playing a flute to a hypnotized snake]

Xavier:
See how he leads the beast, how he ensupplicates nature's base face under the sound thumb of his harmonic hypno-leash, melodizing its slithering will to mulch.

Eric:
Everything you're saying is total nonsense, but the scale of it turns my theories inside out.

Xavier:
So, now that we're friends, what do you want to do? Chew the spit? Swap some fat?

Eric:
I have wind work to do.

Xavier:
But chew on swap! Another comrade snatched, sucked off by the wind. [singing] Almost made a friend. But he's an enemy now.

Xavier:
Snake Hand, where are you going?

[Snake Hand says]

Snake Hand:
I can't help it.

[Snake Hand jerks off the Snake Charmer Guy]

Snake Charmer:
I owe you, my friend.

Xavier:
This is not friendship.

Snake Charmer:
[happily groans]

Xavier:
Snake Hand, I didn't know you were bi. I mean, I have noticed you checkin' me out in the shower. I got to say, I notice you, too, friend.

[Xavier suddenly turns inside out by mistakenly seducing his Snake Hand]

Dark Notion:
'Tis grotesque-utiful. My pants are damp with blood tears of rapturous misery.

Xavier:
You misspelled "Rose." darky. But I'm here to make things white again.

Dark Notion:
What is this grand gift stabbing mine eyes with ocular pleasure? You look outside how I feel inside, for I am [introducing to the viewers] D a r k N o t i o n. And this is my [introducing to the viewers again quickly] D a r k N o t i o n.

Dark Notion:
Your body shrieks the silent truth all of the pretty people of this pretty people of this world deny.

Xavier:
Yeah, I do haunch squats to power-crunch my guacs.

[shows the title logo on the top of his biceps]

Dark Notion:
Yes, this sad world thrashes my flesh as well. But you -- You've out-undone me.

Xavier:
My god! You've been abused. Who is yout a-brusider? You can tell me.

Dark Notion:
It was [whispers] Society. My body is merely the canvas upon which I paint the punishment for her hideocratic crime.

Xavier:
Society, eh? It's always the quiet ones. But I am going to deliver howls of justice at them through the jowls of my fist [puts up his snake hand] --s.

Xavier:
Society, I have you surround-erd. Turn yourselves in. You've been abusing this boy, and it ends here.

Guy with a smoking problem voice:
Who abused him? Who abused the boy?

Xavier:
All of you collectively -- Society. Give up while you still can. I'm giving you one last chance before my next last pre-chance.

Citizen Man:
Can't we have on St. Swithun's day without this crap.

Xavier:
Hands on your heads and lay on the ground. If you have handcuffs, kindly slip them on. If you resist, be a dear and taser yourselves.

Citizen Woman:
By definition, you're part of society, too you prick...thing.

Xavier:
[to Dark Notion] Oh, no. He's right. Okay, we're getting down the ground. Come on. Don't be a hypocrite. We're part of society, too.

[Xavier and Dark Notion gets beat by Society and even Xavier's own pair of fake stick hands]

[Take that! Taste the pain!]

Xavier:
Well, at least some of society got our comeuppance.

Dark Notion:
Oh, the ecstatic anguish of being treated like society. My new nom de gloom shall be known as Baron Society W E I N B E R G!

Xavier:
Whatever flicks your bean, Society.

Society:
What more do you want to disturb and disrupt? Mayhem, pretty please, with blisters on top.

Xavier:
That showboating snake charmer is a faux friendshipping dinghy fairy.

Society:
No man should enshackle-basketate serpents in wickerine prisons. Me thinks I will set these snakes free.

Xavier:
Me think these fried yummy cakes should be free.

[cuts to next scene where Xavier and Society (Dark Notion) freeing their favorites]

Society:
Slither to your freedom, Satan's sweet scaly succu-bye-bye!

Xavier:
Scamper home, my five fine free fried friends.

Society:
I'd love to stay and savor the flavor of your murderous mentalism, but I work at a vegan slaughertorium. It's the Jumbo Joose in Pioneer Square. But we shall be alone together again. Toodle, friend.

Xavier:
"FRIEND"?! Poor loser. I'm probably his only friend. Kid needs me. [singing] I have made a friend. My enemy will be green with enemy-vy.

[Eric sees Xavier inside out]

Eric:
Ugh!

Xavier:
Just the nose I wanted to rub my win in.

Eric:
Don't touch me, weirdo! I'm looking for my friend. [went straight kicking Xavier's ass]

[Take that! Taste the pain!]

Xavier:
[scoffs] I've never seen anyone so desperate to find a friend that he'd beat up an enemy. Makes me sick.

[Xavier suddenly returns back to his natural skin by throwing up]

Eric:
Hey! There you are! You were right! I have to show you a secret, but it's just between us friends.

Xavier:
"FRIENDS"?! Poor guy comes crawling back.

[Eric shows Xavier his wind laboratory]

Eric:
Climatologists have yet to find a way to control weather. You gave me the idea to synthesize weather systems on a human scale. I can create a wind gust, regulate temperature, moisture, and pressure in a controlled environment, until a perfect hurricane forms, bite-size, that takes on its own furious momentum and its perpetual energy can be harnessed.

Xavier:
[thinking] Mr. Lonely crawling back to be my friend. Kind of sad.

Eric:
I can use it to power my tv.

Xavier:
[thinking] He's so fixated on being friends.

Eric:
And I have full power over them. [to Wind Wigger] Go make me a grinder lunch.

[the wind wigger makes a hoagie then throw it on Eric's shirt]

Eric:
Of course, sometimes they get uppity and you've got to keep them in their place. [uses his whip to whip the tornado wiggers] HYAH! I'M PUTTING YOU OUT TO WORK THE FIELDS!

Xavier:
Whippity-whippity WHOA! And what do you call these wind monkeys -- Wiggaboos?

Eric:
Wiggers. Why, I caught this wigger staring saucy at my mistress.

Xavier:
You've totally broken wind. Environ-yentalists have finally got their final solution.

Eric:
This will revolutionize the world. I just need to tell Society about it, [talks in Society's voice] and Sheila will come back to me.

Society:
Friend? Friend?

Xavier:
Friend!

Society:
[gasps] What are you? Oh! Hippies are my creep-tonite. I'm looking slimy chum. [beats Xavier]

[Take that! Taste the pain!]

Xavier:
I almost forgot. Snake Hand, I want to shove so deep inside you it comes out my other arm.

[Xavier turns inside out]

Society:
Oh, there you are! Look what I scratchit-ed. [shows his whole chest scratched naming "Society"]

Xavier:
You need to come. My other friend yearns to show you the hurricanes he's chained in his lab.

Society:
Society yearns to un-manacle all shackles. Not actual society. I mean me, the guy named "Society," not th-- You know what? This name is not working out. If you help me free those hurricanes, I'll be your best friend.

Xavier:
Best Friends? [reads his bromigo card] [whisper] Mm. Pretend I can read. That's two higher than just friends -- Deal! Meet me at the lab in five. Oh, and bring a windbag.

Xavier:
[singing] I've got a best frie--

[suddenly turns back to his normal form again]

Xavier:
Bad news. Your secret got out. A couple of creepy loners -- [flips down his glasses] One of them's actually pretty cool -- Are planning to free your wind. But don't worry. I'll guard your hurri-klan. I mean, if you agree to be my full-on compadre.

Eric:
Sure. I mean, you've been so nice.

Xavier:
Just initial here, and I'll go stop them. You're ahead so far, but I can squeeze some next-level out of this.

Xavier:
I've been thinking Snake Hand. I don't just want a hot physical relationship. I want to have your hand babies. [turns inside out]

Xavier:
[to Society] There's a problem-o. They're on to us. They must have someone on the inside. And the guy they've got to catch us -- [pulls up his glasses backwards] He's a cool guy, so, uh, I don't think I can get involved in this.

Society:
[gasps] Are you selling out?

Xavier:
NOOOOO! But before I dive into this, I need to know if you are serious enough to commit to being my bromigo.

Society:
Of course.

Xavier:
Pull on this.

[Society pulls the bromigo card on top to now that they're officially bromigos]

Xavier:
We'll be totally bro-nogomous.

[Xavier and Society free the wiggers]

Xavier:
Now that we've unschkled 'm', let's shove 'm' in bag 'n' get 'm' to the creek of freed-'mmm.

[Eric sees Xavier and Society freeing the wiggers out on sea]

Eric:
That's them, officers. They released my wind.

Xavier:
Uh-oh! No piggy gonna bust this nut. The prison of the mind, mommy.

[Xavier suck his finger going back to its normal form]

Xavier:
Hey, compadre. The slimy turncoat just slipped through my fingers, but that's the other creek rook. [referring to Society]

Officer:
Let's go, weirdo.

Eric:
Sheila!

Society:
I'm a patsy, and I love it.

Eric:
[to Xavier] Man, if you found that other guy, we'd be triple-uber bromigo-sabes deluxe.

Xavier:
I thought that friendular designation was just a wonderful fairy tale. Uh, I-I think he's right here.

Xavier:
Hey Snake Hand, I like you a little bit. I like you a little more than that.

[Snake Hand throw up Xavier's inside out skin]

Xavier:
There! I almost got him! [to his inside out skin] You admit you did it?

Xavier (as Xavier's Inside Out Skin):
[puppeteering] Yes, I am guilty. You are so tough and cool that you caught me, friiiieeeend.

Xavier:
Take him away, officers!

Officer:
[to Xavier's Inside Out Skin] Come on, weirder-o!

Xavier:
Now that we're bromigo-sabes, we'll never be apart. Nothing can ever separate us.

[Eric gets suck by a tornado]

Xavier:
DRED SCOTT! It's an uprising. We've got to suppress revolutionary movements. Now it's drilling into the ground! It's boring! Stupid donkey.

Xavier:
I've got to turn this problem inside out, to get the snake charmer. He owes me a favor. He who controls the snake of snakes controls the hurricane of hurricanes.

[Snake Charmer controls snakes to form a big snake against the hurricane]

Xavier:
This is the end result of energy independence. [reversed] He's reversing the tornado's tide. It's working.

Snake Charmer:
Yes, it is, my friend.

Xavier:
I guess there is a thin line between a friendship and foeboat. [thinking] Foeboat.

[Snake Charmers reveals to be CMG all along]

Chief Master Guru:
You have learned well, young one.

Xavier:
CHIEF! You did all of this just to teach me a lesson? That's true friendship. Come here, friend.

[ironically as Xavier hugs CMG, he then reveals that CMG was just Sugura the entire time throughout the episode]

Xavier:
HUH? PAPER?

[Sugura beats Xavier once again]

Xavier:
Wind, you've turned my world inside oot. And that is my D a r k N o t i o n.

Xavier:
Every once in a world, the big cheese lays a grand one this planet. I discovered I was that globular gift as a wee lad when I was endowed with a cosmic visit from the enlightened on who revealed this meaty pendulous thing to me. But I can't remember how it went down.

Xavier:
So, for the first time since I was a teen [mumbles] years ago, I've chosen to return to the location of my childhood home.

[cuts to the next scene where his childhood home has turn into a food and strip club bar]

Xavier:
I suppose it's changed in some ways. I still memberize my first day in this old house.

[Xavier's memory intensifies]

Kid Xavier:
Mama! I found you! You must have been worried sick when you realized you left me back in Canada.

Xavier's Mom:
Honey! He found us again! Come on in...demon child.

[Xavier's memory ends]

Xavier:
It warms the loins of my heart groin. This is the crucible of nobility's guardian, the cradle of humanity's holiest hero.

Big Papa Dick:
Come on, guys, let me hear ya hoot for the belly fruit. Celebrate the lactate. A woman's never hotter when she's jigglin' that baby bump, plump with life corkin' up her lady pipes.

Big Papa Dick:
Big Papa Dick's on the mike, the honky-tonk don't stop, and these bulgin' babies are ready to drop. Best best be trippin' for two, 'cause they be strippin' for two, and every lap dance is a three-way. That tummy squirrel tryin' to get a nut? Beer nuts available at the bar.

Big Papa Dick:
If you like out hot things, try our hot wings. At a penny a bite, it's got to go right. Turtling Tara's in her third trimester. And try mustard on our soft pretzels, available at the bar.

Xavier:
That's where my kitchen table was.

[Xavier's memory intensifies]

Kid Xavier:
Thanks, mommy. I made you another drawing.

Xavier's Mom:
Aah! Demon child.

[Xavier's memory ends]

Xavier:
I used to draw sweet cuddlecrumbs to retreat into my happy wittle world.

Big Papa Dick:
Peggy Pregasaurus -- She's 812 months pregnant. Get a lap dance before her baby dies old age in utero. Her sugar walls are packed the gills like sexy sardines in the hot brine of father time. Fish sticks available at the bar.

[Xavier sees two people playing 8 ball pool]

Xavier:
That's where I took my bathsssssssss.

[Xavier's memory intensifies]

[Kid Xavier suddenly felt a hit in the head when the non-imaginary person pokes the pool balls]

Kid Xavier:
Oh, mommy! Something hit me in the head!

Xavier's Mom:
You're just imaging things.

Big Papa Dick:
We got the Siamese Twins conjoined at the womb, pregnant with Siamese triplets conjoined at the boom. And see these lumpy lovelies throw their luscious mornin' thickness on the mechanical bull, the mechanical man, and the mechanical cat. That paws is a real mother bucker.

Xavier:
That's where my mechanical cat was.

[Xavier's memory intensifies]

[Kid Xavier sits on the cat like mechanical bull ride]

Xavier's Mom:
Xavier! Get off the cat!

Big Papa Dick:
These chicks are cravin' pickles, so get your peck, or off a pile of our hot pickled wing-thing pickle poppers, available at the bar.

Xavier:
And my bedroom was over there.

[Xavier's memory intensifies]

[Xavier sees two non-imaginary redneck guys fighting each other while stumble into Xavier's imaginary dollhouse]

Xavier:
Get away from my dollhouse! You're stepping all over my dollies!

Redneck #1:
Freak! We's tryin' to get our fight on!

Redneck #2:
Let's set aside our difference and pound this chump for bein' difference.

[Rednecks pummeled Xavier]

[Take that! Taste the pain!]

Redneck #1:
Tad, you alright. I forgive you for stickin' it in my wife.

Redneck #2:
Shoot, I only done it 'cause I jealous of the love you share.

Big Papa Dick:
Could you be the one?

Xavier:
[bruised up] What's wrong, my child? You feel like a man, [blindly touches BPD's sack] ooh, who needs my help.

Redneck #3:
Shoot, what say we share the baby? Let's all get our beer and talk about how we're gonna break it to our unborneded that he got eight daddies who love each other very much.

Big Papa Dick:
Every once in a world, someone comes along who's so infuriatin', no one can be violent to anythin' else around him -- A cooler. You got the gift, freak. If you stick around and be my bouncer, you'd be doin' me a fine flavor. [uses his microphone] We got 31 flavors available at the bar.

Xavier:
I'll be your violence absorber, your cosmic sponge of aggression, sucking off all the machismo you can sploot my way. I'll let these kit shickers kit the shick out of me and then let them shove the cack of their human shick in my face. I'll let them all beat the bejesus out of me and then rub the bejeez into my hair. I'll take your licks and bounce for you.

Big Papa Dick:
So you don't want to do it?

Xavier:
NO! I'M IN! [while doing a default t-pose]

Big Papa Dick:
We're gonna stay open, folks!

[everyone cheered until they started being Xavier up]

Big Papa Dick:
I'm so glad this place ain't gonna shut down. Now my dream might come true. I always knew there's nothin' more beautiful than a woman plump with child. I want to get a operation to become Big Mama Dick and experienced that joy. I saved my sperm, and once I impregnate my woman-self, I'll give birth to Baby Papa Dick and give him a sex-change operation to become Baby Mama Dick so he can give birth to me.

Big Papa Dick:
It's a simple dream, and I do believe America -- That's what he/she's about. [while saluting]

Xavier:
Glad I could be of [sniffs] cervix?

Big Papa Dick:
Why don't you go hit the break womb?

Pregnant Stripper #1:
I thinkin' about gettin' my baby bump pierced. Hear it heightens somethin' called a orgasm, in the baby.

Pregnant Stripper #2:
Y'all hear Shirelle got fired? Turns out she wasn't really pregnant. It was one of them phantom pregnancies, psychosomatic-like.

Pregnant Stripper #1:
She was so sure she was pregger, she swolled up with a phantom belly. I hear she even gave birth to the phantom baby. [secretly whispered] They say her phantom baby still lurks among these walls, angry its mama got fired just 'cause it don't exist.

Pregnant Stripper #2:
Whoa. [sees her belly thumping] Uh-oh. He's kicking.

[Xavier comes in]

Xavier:
Ladies.

[Xavier got kicked from the Pregnant Stripper's womb]

Xavier:
That's where Mommy's bedroom used to be.

[Xavier's memory intensifies]

Xavier:
Aww, look at my sweet mother -- So peaceful when she's sleeping.

Xavier's Mom:
[worried sleeping] Monster child!

Kid Xavier:
Mommy! I made you another drawing!

Xavier's Mom:
Monster child...monster child!

Kid Xavier:
What's...happening? It's scary, mommy.

Xavier:
Go on -- Caress her face, boy. Stroke her tender, succulent skin, you idiot! This is your chance!

Xavier:
I wish I could talk to my young self. Wait, if I simply remember that I did talk to my young self, that means it will have had happened. Hmm. I remember that I appeared in front of myself, and I said -- [transported inside his memory] "Go on, touch her, touch her".

Kid Xavier:
[gasps] Who are you?!

Xavier:
This may be the last time you get to touch your mother, BECAUSE SHE'S GOING TO DIE!

Xavier:
She's obviously being plagued by some sort of demon. She's vulnerable. So you have to constantly be there with her. Smother your mother. Smommy your mommy with perpetual protectionating and never let her oot from under your crab shell of your munificent vice grip for even a nano-ticond or a subtonk.

Kid Xavier:
But how can I do that? I'm just a kid.

Xavier:
[walking away like a crab] Let's scram out of here and I'll show you.

[Xavier trains his younger-self on how to be a guardian angel]

Xavier:
Guardianing isn't here. It's up here and here. You're just a dull lump of clay, and I must sculpt and mold and you into my hoMAGE -- The greatest minder known to man.

[zooms out the scene where they're at a golf course]

Golf Boy:
What are you doing on the putt-putt?!

Xavier:
LET'S GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!

[cuts to the next scene where Kid Xavier is trying to balance on a boat]

Xavier:
Your mind and body must be quick. Keep trying to punch yourself. See how quick I am? [punches himself] Didn't even see me coming.

[cuts to the next scene where Kid Xavier is laying down on a bed full of nails with scorpions on his face]

Xavier:
This journey is devoted towards unteaching you to unlearn all you know. [quickly] Rather, this non-journey isn't revoted distwoards comegoing away, from, to, in, out, over, under formembergetting. [realizes] Whoa! What the hell happened to you?

Hardware Manager:
Hey! Get out of my store!

[Xavier teaches Kid Xavier to zen]

Xavier:
You have to be so zen, you can make weak minds crumble at your potent thoughts.

Kid Xavier:
How would someone do that?

[Xavier suddenly starts to get a seizure and pissed himself]

Xavier:
[struggled] You've got the gift.

[Xavier teaches Kid Xavier work up his muscles]

Xavier:
CONTEMPLATE EXISTENCE! PONDER INFINITY! PONDER HARDER! I'VE SEEN DEEPER REPOSE ON A DEAD DONKEY! I'm going to work you till your body is cut like an ox. Gonna be months of hard, grueling -- I'm getting tired just thinking about it.

Xavier:
Tell you what -- I'll just remember that I put you through the wringer.

[Xavier remembered Kid Xavier becoming strong by becoming a real thing]

Kid Xavier:
It hurts!

Xavier:
Acupuncture.

[Xavier pops Kid Xavier's muscular skin]

Kid Xavier:
What happened?

Xavier:
I stuck it in you, and you became a man.

[Xavier shows Kid Xavier that he has a guardian animal of a squirrel]

Kid Xavier:
So that's my guardian animal?

Xavier:
Yes. It has a message for us. [rips the squirrel's skin] I will read its entrails. According to these entrails, this animal died needlessly at the hands of a dim goon.

Xavier:
It's your job to stop such injustices. The markings of a warrior shall summon the warrior whoop.

[Xavier puts blood marks on Kid Xavier's torso making a face and putting a big top hat to summon the Warrior Whoop]

Xavier:
[singing] Tweet, tweet, n*gga, dot, hooty-hoo!

Xavier:
And now we buy ice-cream cones. Of...deeper truth. Yeah.

[Xavier teaches Kid Xavier about rational thoughts]

Xavier:
You must let go of linear modes of rational thought. Example -- This is your grinder, but I'm eating it. [eats Kid Xavier's grinder] Could use more rationalaise.

[Xavier teaches Kid Xavier's final step on how to be deep]

Xavier:
Now I've got to teach you to be deep. But how? How did I learn? Oh, yeah. I have a hazy memory that this really creepy guy came to me.

[Xavier's flashback intensifies]

Creepy Xavier:
You're special! Ew!

Young Xavier:
You're scaring me. I'm not supposed to talk to strangers.

Creepy Xavier:
I remembered when I was a kid. A really freaking stranger came to me!

[Creepy Xavier's flashback intensifies showing a Young Creepy Xavier getting terrified of a bigger mutated Xavier]

[Kid Xavier tries to balance two strong buckets of Mutated Xavier parts on a bridge]

Kid Xavier:
I can't do this! It's too hard!

Xavier:
Let me show you how you will turn out if you don't follow follow my teachings.

[cuts to the next scene where they show the beginning of the episode where original Xavier trying to remember who revealed the meaty pendulous thing]

Kid Xavier:
Eugh. I don't want to be that guy. Okay, I'll do whatever you say.

Xavier:
Bingo, doodle, hooty-hoo! Now, which way out of here? [does the same dumb expressions to what original Xavier did back from beginning of the episode]

[zooms out the scene where they show Creepy Kid and Kid Xavier looking at them]

Another Kid Xavier:
Okay, I don't want to end up like that guy. I'll do what you say.

[then Creepy Xavier also does the same dumb expression as well as the rest]

[Kid Xavier finally becomes a guardian angel]

Xavier:
You've absorbed all of my knowledge, and thus you have earned my soul. [releases his mutated Xavier soul, pluses the squirrel's soul as well] Go on, boy -- Hop in!

Kid Xavier:
You've put your manhood in me. Fromst this henceforth, my vowluation is towardst protectorize mine mommy.

Xavier's Mom:
Who are you talking to?

Kid Xavier:
This visitor -- Right here.

Xavier's Mom:
You see someone? Is this place haunted?! You bring evil spirit, boy! I need a -- I haven't had a drink since the night you were conceived. Go get me some whiskey and some PILLS!

Xavier:
[to Kid Xavier] Say "Yes," then just give her apple juice and sugar pills. Protect her always.

Kid Xavier:
Yes, mama.

Xavier's Mom:
[eat pills and drinks apple juice] Sweet nectar! ARGH! I HATE YOU! I WISH YOU WERE NEVER BORN! You scare me.

Xavier:
[to Kid Xavier] Don't worry -- She's not really intoxicated. It's all in her mind.

Kid Xavier:
Will this save mommy?

Xavier:
I think it worked out well. I remember time went by.

[Xavier remembers how it worked out a few years later with his idea showing a total pigsty]

Xavier's Mom:
[to Teen Xavier] Lady, get me more of these pills and whiskey, and I'll suck -- YOU'RE ADDICTED! I wish I wasn't addicted.

Xavier:
[to Teen Xavier] Go on-- Break her the good news about your decade of deception, your bout of epocock and bull, your wormhole whopper. Tell her about your period!

Teen Xavier:
Mother, you haven't taken any inebriants at all. I've been feeding you apple juice and sugar pills all these years. Aren't you proud of me, mother?

Xavier's Mom:
So it's all in my head? I don't know what's real! I can't trust anything! I'M LOSING MY MIND!

[cuts to the next scene where Xavier is talking to his younger-self but actually talking to a random table in the bar while being hallucinated the entire time when he met his younger-self in the first place]

Xavier:
Tell her, "Don't worry". It's all in her mind.

Big Papa Dick:
Who are you talking to?

Xavier:
I'm talking to this child here.

Pregnant Stripper #3:
He sees The Phantom Child!

Redneck #1:
The Phantom Child has returned to haunt us!

Random Pregnant Stripper:
GHOSTS!

Random Cowboy:
The Strip Club is hain-ed! Hey, Ned, this place is haunted!

Ned:
Haunted?

Random Cowboy:
I said, "this place is hain-ed!"

Ned:
[screams]

Big Papa Dick:
No, come back! Keep spendin'! My lady dream is slippin' through my womanly man-fingers. Dream slipping away...future child dying. [to Xavier] DON'T JUST STAND THERE! DO SOMETHIN'!

Xavier:
I have pre-foresworn to bounce these ghosts. How do you make something flee?

Xavier:
Everyone flees when they are scared.

Xavier:
What scares people?

Xavier:
Everyone around here is scared of ghosts.

Xavier:
I'll make the ghosts think this place is haunted. But how do you dress up like a ghost?

Xavier:
Why are you asking me?

Xavier:
Some help you are, lady. If you wanna dress up like a ghost, you need to throw a piece of fabric over your head.

Xavier:
[to the viewers] Where can YOU get your hands on some fabric quick? The Fabric of Time Gone By.

[Xavier rips a piece of Fabric of Time Gone By to become a ghost, which also reveals a bunch of cuddlecrumb monsters he drew becoming real in real life when he was younger]

Xavier:
Boo-hoo, ghosts! I'm scaring you! Get oot! There's a ghoost in the hoose! Get oot of the hoose! Oooost! Oooooooost!

Xavier's Dad:
Fire! Honey, get out of the house! Get out! Get out of the house!

[then Xavier's fabric cloth suddenly gets caught on fire inside his childhood making the whole bar also getting caught on fire]

Xavier's Mom:
These flames aren't real. Everything is just in my mind.

Xavier:
I scared the ghosts away. I got the chumps on the run. OH, LOOK! It's the cuddlecrumbs! The cuddlecrumbs are here? I don't remember any of this happening. [goes back to the same remembering expression as always until another thought bubble shows up where Xavier grow old in at an apocalyptic surface]

Old Xavier:
Doth...have...life.

Kid Xavier:
Grandpapapapa, are you done reminiscing yet?

[pans out the scene where this scene transitions into a book where the all of the cuddlecrumbs were listening to in the another dimension]

Cuddlecrumb:
And that is the legend of our messiah.

Unknown Female Voice:
Soon.

[Xavier tries the blue door]

Citizen:
Hurry! Take the gun, man!

Xavier:
Huh?

Citizen:
Come on! Did you forget everything?! We went over this! You're in charge of security for the Mayor!

Xavier:
No compadre your speeky-spaniol. English?

Citizen:
This town elected a donkey mayor as a scathing indictment of our jackass political system, but the powers that be want him dead! 'Member? You've got to protect him.

[the Donkey Mayor recently has been shot]

Citizen:
[holding the gun while pointing to Xavier] It was him! I saw him do it! Why else would he have a gun?!

Xavier:
Hee-huh?

[Xavier gets sent to the court]

Xavier:
I swear, I didn't shoot the mayor.

The Judge:
You are not on trial for mayor for shooting the Mayor. You are on trial for being on trial.

Xavier:
But I'm innocent..

The Judge:
By proclaiming your innocence, it proves you're on trial. What say you, jury?

Angry Mentals:
[all babbling]

The Judge:
It's a jury of your mental peers.

Xavier:
What sort of of law is this?

The Judge:
Laws? Laws are illegal here! GUILTY! I sentence thee to three glimpses into your own soul.

Xavier:
[scoffs] I could that with my third eye tied behind my back.

The Judge:
Very well. Seven glimpses!

Xavier:
NOOOOOOOO!

[while Xavier is in jail writing soul glimpses on the wall, he sees the same citizen that shotted the donkey mayor]

Citizen:
And as your new Mayor, I declare the concerns of this township shall no longer be donkey concerns but shall be human concerns. And I vow to protect the children of this town from our local human-baby rapist...and gas-tax holiday! Thank you!

[the Citizen then transforms into a van then grabs a kid by tricking him by giving him a free ice cream]

Xavier:
I haven't forgotten you. I know what your butt did to that boy!

[Xavier goes to the light yellow door]

Xavier:
Bingo doodle attainment of more enlightened level of being! I have graduated to this advanced realm. It feels so right. I've never felt more -- OH!

[Xavier then gets eaten by a big lizard]

Xavier:
What is all this? A test? Reveal your intentions! Show either your face or your body, ooh!

Unknown Female Voice:
Soon.

Xavier:
I don't have to stand here and take lip from the lipless. I'm leaving, like a tree makes. [struggles the light blue doorknob]

Xavier:
You can consume my dust. [struggles the silver doorknob]

Xavier:
Don't let my anus mudcake your door on my way out. [struggles the green doorknob]

Xavier:
You can flush me fromst the toilette of your mind, because I'm pissed-tory. [struggles the black door]

Xavier:
You can kiss and lick and caress and coddle and swallow my sweet ass goodbye. [struggles the orange door] And take your time. I'll be here all day. Fine. I'll rub it myself.

[while still stuck in the room of doors]

Xavier:
So this place is all random, Huh? Okay, I'm gonna go in...

[twirls around and points at the yellow door]

Xavier:
That door. [echoing] Out-randomed.

[Xavier then tricks the yellow door by switching to a different door, ironically he still went to the same yellow door]

[Xavier enters the yellow door]

Xavier:
A land of primitive simpletons. I must be here to tutor these dark dim-dongs.

Xavier:
Attention, people. I shall shine my rays o'enlightenment unto you, brighter than the big glowing orange thing. You...you know the, uh, whatchama, you know, the big, dumb hot ball in the sky.

Aztec Human:
This freak insult Sun God. We must sacrifice a virgin.

[as one of the Aztec people were about to kill Xavier]

Aztec Human:
We now sacrifice this demon to the great Sun God, Quetzecoitelakalaka-- [gets tongue twisted to death]

Aztec Human #2:
The great Sun God's name cannot be spoken, for it is pronounced Quetzeco-- [also gets tongue twisted to death]

Aztec Human #3:
Uh, let's just cut to sacrifice.

[as Xavier gets cut into pieces from one the Aztec people]

Xavier:
You can't shuffle off this mortal-goyle. Guess my death wasn't in the tarot three cards, monty. ZUMA! This sacrifarce is no way to appease the dei-dees. Let's give this sadis-dick Sun God a taste of his own META-META sin, man. Go summon him.

[as the sun eats Xavier, Xavier now became the Sun God]

Xavier:
I can't be a hypo-grist. I'll commit sacricide.

[as the Xavier kills himself, he then gets sent to the land of doors]

Xavier:
I believe I said "good day", weird room.

[Xavier goes to the light purple door]

[Xavier sees a beautiful princess until she transforms into a steaming pile of gooey mush]

Xavier:
I knew if I bode my time, I'd eventually win my with you, love.

[as Xavier was about to kiss the princess, the princess does a grab attack move onto Xavier]

Princess:
But I loved him.

Xavier:
If this is your idea of a joke, I'd like to be subjected to a tragedy.

[Xavier goes to the last door]

Xavier (as a girl):
I don't want to play with dollies, mommy. I want to ramble the world to help folks.

Gay Man:
[crying]

Xavier (as a girl):
What's wrong, little girl?

Gay Man:
I can't go to heaven 'cause I'm gay.

Xavier (as a girl):
I'll smuggle you to heaven via the under-brown maleroad. Once I shove you up this trojan arse, you'll be the first gay homo in heaven. The blacky robinson Uncle-Tom Crusoe-mo!

[the Gay Man gets sent to heaven by killing the preacher that Xavier shoved the Gay Man up the preacher's butt]

Security God:
Intruder alert! There has been a breach in the system! Heaven will self-destruct in 10 seconds if the intruder does not reveal themselves. 10, 9...

Gay Man:
Okay, it's me.

Security God:
You have sacrificed yourself for the good of the whole. You are the new messiah. What will be your first act as MESSIAH?!

Gay Man:
My first act is to...

[Gay Man turns into a black man by exploding his Gay body self]

Black Man:
...drop the act. Now lemme get some white woman for the first black man in heaven.

Xavier:
I give up. I lay my queen down and sore-end her. I concede.

Xavier:
It is scribbled in the stars -- My infinite oath to help...

Xavier's voice:
[echoing] Help.

Xavier:
You hear that? Sounds like a weak feebling's sad yowl for help....

Xavier:
Oh no. These meager victim-cicles need the heat of my release. My chance to french-touch a woman.

[Xavier saves the frozen people out of their tube chambers]

Cold Citizen:
What the hell are you doing?

Xavier:
I rescued you from icy demise! All your life are belong to me.

Cold Citizen:
We aren't supposed to be thawed till science can cure us. We all have terminal diseases.

Xavier:
Ew! If you can't stand the body heat, then stay out of the freezer of fate.

Cold Citizen #2:
You can't refreeze meat. We've only got hours to live.

Xavier:
Then I'll make ye live a thousand lifetimes in your final moments.

[Cold Citizen #2 gets turn into ice cubes]

Xavier:
That's the spirit!

Cold Citizen:
YOU'VE RUINED EVERYTHING! [turns into a slimy puddle]

Xavier:
You jive turkeys wouldn't know gratitude if it broke into this room and caused your death. Not saying "Thank you" is "de-frosting"on "de-cake".

Cold Citizen #3:
Now, I'll never get to meet my great-great-granddaughter and fall in love, you SICKO! [gets turns into ice dust]

Xavier:
You know, it takes fewer muscles to say "Thank you" than it does to die.

All:
Freak! Freak! Freak!

Cold Citizen #4:
I pledge to devote my every atom to serving ice-cold vengeance.

Chief Master Guru:
Young one, if I told you it's time for you to follow your lifequest away from me forever, would you leave for good?

Young Xavier:
Of course!

Chief Master Guru:
Congratulations. This will help you wipe away all suffering. [gives him a raggedy cloth for his peneye]

Young Xavier:
I pledge to devote my every atom to serving ice-hot justice.

[CMG on the far distance dancing when Young Xavier leaves]

Xavier:
That's it! I give up! I sacrificed everything, even your lives, for you people, and what do I get? I never wanted to be an outsider. [echoing] I'm going NORMAL!

[Xavier uses one of the cold ciitzen's skin to become a normal person]

Xavier:
Okay, you look normal. Now just act normal. Clutch the dark purple hairs of the galloping orangutan of normalicy and RIDE, N*GGA, RIDE!

Xavier:
I'm ready. Interview away.

Gene:
Well, your resume is pretty persuasive. How do you feel about the corporate culture in general?

Xavier:
Normal -- My feelings on that are just normal and typical, because I'm what you people call a normal.

Gene:
Huh, impressive. You got a fresh approach to be normal. You think outside the box.

Xavier:
[dramatically takes cover on a chair] WHAT BOX?!

Gene:
Man of action. let me guess. You were a linebacker in College like. [on phone] I think we got our boy to replace...

Gene:
Meet the new Ryan. It's his first day.

Peterson:
Good to know you, new Ry. Me and the guys were just cracking wise about freaks. What's your opinion on the subject?

Xavier (as Ryan):
Oh, I feel exactly how you feel about it.

Co-Worker:
Ooh, looks like someone's gunning for your job, Peterson.

Co-Worker #2:
A new big dick just swung into town. [while swallowing the banana in his mouth sexually]

Boss:
We're up poop creek in a turd canoe with a dookie paddle that's got feces smeared on the part where you put your hand.

Employers:
[laughter]

Boss:
Shut up!

Boss:
Our main factory is spewing illegal amounts of pollution. Should we pay to upgrade or move the plant overseas? New Ryan, you've been awfully quiet.

Xavier:
Well, that's 'cause I'm so normal. Yeah, when I see freaks, I just want to shoot 'em and dump 'em in a filthy ditch.

Boss:
I like it. We just hook chutes up to our smokestacks and dump it off. Ditch our filth in China. Outsource our pollution, jobs stay here. I bet we can even charge the chings for the sludge. They'll make something out of it.

Boss:
The theft of office supplies is making us hemorrhage money. We lost $3.8 million in stolen staplers this month alone! What do we do?

Xavier (as Ryan):
I'm just a normal. No strange secrets hidden beneath my facade, okay?

Boss:
He's right. We need to see beneath. You're saying we should replace our florescent bulbs with x-ray bulbs, and we'll find the sticky-fingered culprits in a jim-jam-jif.

Boss:
Our home-appliance division is on the verge of bankruptcy. Work your magic! What do you got?

Xavier (as Ryan):
I keep trying to to tell you I'm just a normal. Quit singling me out like a freak.

Boss:
I think I get what he's saying. He means we just go to take wild leaps in interpreting his mundane statements, then come up with our own ideas. Like, um...

Peterson:
Putting pheromones on our appliances?

Boss:
Brilliant, New Ryan! Yes, if we extract the same glandular excretions that stimulate affection in our designer-fragrance division and apply it to our appliances, our products will be irresistible -- Smell-bliminal scent-vertising.

Gene:
Thanks for turning this place around, New Ryan.

Xavier (as Ryan):
You've thunked me!

Gene:
So, who you headed home to -- Wife, kids?

Xavier (as Ryan):
A pepperbird came and took away all I care about.

Gene:
Single, huh? That's abnormal.

Xavier (as Ryan):
Abnormal? NO! [takes cover onto a chair again]

Xavier (as Ryan):
Listen, before we go out to dinner, I think it's time little Tara and I had the talk. Her body is going through some confusing changes.

Old Ryan's Wife:
But here name is Cindy. I don't think tha--

Xavier (as Ryan):
Cindy looks up to me so much. [to Cindy] Sweetie, I know this is a scary time. Have you noticed blood in your panties.

Cindy:
[crying]

Xavier (as Ryan):
Don't worry. Your panties will be bloody soon enough. Our little one's got the big d-jealousy. [after kicking his son]

Old Ryan's Wife:
This is all happening so fast and so inaccurately.

Xavier (as Ryan):
I don't think it's too much to ask to have dinner ready for me when I get home from work.

Old Ryan's Wife:
But I thought we were going out. Well, I suppose I could make a pot roast.

Xavier (as Ryan):
I think you'll find that Wednesday is Meatloaf Night.

[points to the calendar that Meatloaf Night is Tuesday instead of Wednesday]

Xavier (as Ryan):
So, where should we go for vacation this year -- The regular thing or something more normal?

Old Ryan's Wife:
I don't know. This is all so sudden. I haven't even had time to grieve for Ryan.

Xavier:
Don't worry. You can grieve tonight -- In bed.

Xavier (as Ryan):
Yep, had the old lady pretty wet last night. Up to her cankles in tears.

Boss:
Okay, for some reason, we got a huge surplus of Cheap Ching Chong Hot Dogs. We'd make a killing if we could sell these Ching Dogs.

Peterson:
I know! Let's do something normal.

Boss:
Come on, Peterson. That's old paradigm.

Peterson:
It was New Ryan's idea. He said he had a solution that would blow you away.

Boss:
Oh, yeah? Come on, golden boy. What do you know about moving hot dogs?

Xavier (as Ryan):
I know I was moving my hot dog in and out of Peterson's Wife's buns last night.

Peterson:
My wife is dead.

Xavier (as Ryan):
I never said it was consensual. Don't worry. I used "condiments". She enjoyed it with "relish". Her mouth passed "mustard". I could hardly "ketchup" to her vagina!

Peterson:
I stayed up all night doing research. Every year, American eat enough hot dogs to go to the moon and back. And --

Xavier (as Ryan):
[scoffs] Prove it.

Boss:
Wait. Peterson, shut up! New Ryan, say that again.

Xavier (as Ryan):
Peterson, shut up.

Boss:
It's brilliant! We'll prove it. We'll make a hot-dog chain to the moon. It'll be the greatest marketing stunt of all time. You did it again, New Ryan. Pack your bags, Peterson.

Old Ryan's Wife:
I didn't know you had a thing for blondes.

[shows pictures she found on her doorstep of Xavier eating Ching Chong Hot Dogs with the ladies]

Xavier (as Ryan):
What? No! Peterson must be behind this. Those photos are doctored!

Old Ryan's Wife:
Doctored? What kind of medical procedure is this?

Xavier (as Ryan):
Open-heart tea bag?

Old Ryan's Wife:
Well I regret opening my heart to your tea bag of lies. I WANT YOU OUT!

Xavier (as Ryan):
Let me at least say goodbye to the kids.

Old Ryan's Wife:
You'll never talk to the kids again!

Xavier (as Ryan):
You should know I faked all the impotence. I could've consummated the marriage, and I still intend to.

Random Male:
Say, bub, you looking for an apartment? Don't bother. It's a Women's Only building.

[Random Citizen and Xavier (as Ryan) disguise themselves as women]

Xavier (as Ryan):
[high pitched] Well, it's the only place available in the city, so we'll take it.

Random Woman:
Welcome! And tonight a bunch of us girls are getting together. Turns out the local Men's Only Club Club doesn't allow women, so we're all gonna infiltrate undercover -- See what they're hiding.

[Random Woman, Random Male, and Xavier (as Ryan) disguise them selves as men]

Gene:
On behalf of the Men's Only Club Club, I'd like to welcome our new members. Tonight in our commitment to understand and honor all points of view, we're going to disguise ourselves like overweight black women to expand to expand our perspective and give dignity to all heritages.

[cuts to the next scene where all the men and women are disguised as overweighted black woman in a nail salon]

All:
Give me some lemonade.

Xavier (as Ryan):
Get me some toe pie! Excuse me, girlfriends.

Xavier (as Ryan):
Say, sugar child, you look like y'all had a bad day.

Peterson:
[sad] I lost my job, and my wife is dead, and I just --

Xavier (as Ryan):
Honey, big jawanamamafire. She gonna make all okay. [licks Peterson's face]

[Peterson and Xavier (as Ryan and also a black woman) have sex with each other]

Peterson:
That was amazing. I think we actually made cheese.

Xavier (as Ryan):
Well, guess what. [eats cheese] That wasn't cheese! You're gay now. You're totally NOT NORMAL.

[Xavier (as Ryan) steps into office while still wearing an overweight black woman suit]

Xavier (as Ryan):
Sorry I'm late, everybody. This black lady made me eat a bunch of cheese.

Boss:
New Ryan, get in my office to -- Hey, you looked ripped.

Xavier (as Ryan):
No, I just lost 300 pounds. My virginity.

Announcer:
Introducing the hottiest doggiest mascot of all time, Devil Dogmier!

Xavier (as Ryan):
Kids, it's new new daddy, kids! Remember?

Announcer:
You know what to do with Devil Dogmier, kids. Punch and call him "freak"!

Kids:
[repeated] FREAK!

Xavier (as Ryan):
Who is this shadowy figure shoving my old sad fate into my new face?

[Xavier pulls the shadow cloth away to reveal the villain of Cold Citizen #4 getting revenge on Xavier]

Cold Citizen #4:
I told you I'd commit every atom to my vengeance. [dies by turning into ice cubes]

Xavier:
Peterson, you now longer wield power over me if I accept myself.

[Xavier confesses his true identity]

Xavier:
People, I'm not really a freak! You see, I am...

Nerdy Woman:
He's a big hot white man!

Xavier:
No.

Nerdy Woman:
He's a fat black woman!

Xavier:
[black accent] No, honey child!

Nerdy Woman:
He's a woman pretending to be a man!

Xavier:
No.

Nerdy Woman:
He's a man pretending to be a woman!

Xavier:
[high pitched] No.

Nerdy Woman:
He's a man! He's a man!

Xavier:
No.

Peterson:
I'M A WOMAN! [dramatically takes off his fake hair]

Nerdy Woman:
He's a freak!

Other Woman:
He's a freak.

Xavier:
No, I'm your freak. I shall never again be untrue to myself again, as I've learned --

Nerdy Woman:
Hey, they're linking the hot-dog chain to the moon!

Xavier:
Much like a chain of hot dogs links to the earth, I reconnect my vow to help all in need.

Nerdy Woman:
They linked it! It made the earth stop rotating around the sun! We can no longer rely on the sun's life-sustaining heat!

Xavier:
It may not be what you normals call "normal" or "cool"...

Nerdy Woman:
NOW ICE IS CREEPING DOWN THE HOT-DOG CHAIN! THE CRUEL TIDE OF FROST IS UPON US!

Xavier:
I'll be vigilant in my fiery pursuit of awareness of all imbruing trouble. I will notice calamity and take drastic action, even in times when it would be delightfully ironic or coincidental to not take any action at all!

Xavier:
Oh, no! It's the opposite of global warming -- MOONULAR FREEZING! Well, everything's perfectly preserved. Science will find a cure for this in 1,000 years. [took his cloth from someone who polishing a shoe] I'll be needing that back. Oh, a pepperbird! [sneezes making the whole population cracked to pieces] Oh, maybe give it 2,000 years.

Xavier:
[to the viewers] Your television just shattered!

Lotion Guy:
Honey, there's an article in here. It said it was written by me. Look.

Lotion Guy's Wife:
What? How bizarre. What does it say? Read it.

Lotion Guy:
It said "Recently a strange creature was spotted rambling on the outskirts of town..."

[as the lotion guy kept reading the article, it starts to become a real thing in real life in the opening of the show as it goes on]

Xavier:
Nothing will ever interrupt my epic search for my other, no matter how -- Oh, a possum!

[the possum tries to bit Xavier]

Xavier:
AAH! Play dead! [snoring] I'm dead. [sees the possum leaves] I'm de-- Stupid idiot, I just outplayed you, possum!

[the possum start to be dead all of a sudden]

Xavier:
Oh, no, it's dead!

[then the possum was only playing dead just to bite Xavier]

[after the possum bites Xavier's finger, his finger got healed into another snake]

Xavier:
[Australian accent] Oi, mate! Crikey!

Vacation Guy:
We don't "mohair" to your kind around here, boy!

Xavier:
I've got to warn you. If you beat me up, one day that pain will come back to me "Sexfold". [while bending his body into Letter T shape]

Vacation Guy:
Not you, freak -- This here terroristic sand negroid! [punches the muslim man] Take crime! taste the hate!

Xavier:
they "queefer" to be called Sandfrican-Americans!

Muslim Man:
I am just visiting Muslim who come to America to learn of your enchanting culture.

Xavier:
[sniffs] Then you'll want to bathe...in our warm kindness. But any decent American is going to smack your sack off for being a dirty arab. If you want to experience the real America, you've got build an artificial world -- A robotic amusement park full of android American programmed to be good to you and let you into their humble lives.

Muslim Man:
This is great idea. Thousands of rich Arabs would pay big money for it if we just had high-tech-enough robots that wouldn't at the most inopportune time break down...

Muslim Man suddenly got short-circuited]

Secret Scientist:
Damn it, freak! You blew its circuits with your cylindrical logic. These droids can't handle baudrillardian self-awareness.

Xavier:
This is a simulacrock?

Vacation Guy:
We paid $1,000 a day to beat up mechanized arabs, but this is the worst touroristorrism hate-crime dream vacation I think we've ever had!

Secret Scientist:
I can't give you your money back, but what about this.

[Secret Scientist takes the Arab's hat cloth robe and put it on Xavier's head making the family beating him up]

Xavier:
Karma is a boomerang, mate, so throw another aussie cosmic scrimp on fate's barbie.

[Xavier goes to a cemetery for someone's death but in a humiliating kind of way]

Xavier:
People! A man is fallen! Man down! You dark, heartless rubberneckers sit back in black, asses to asses, butts in dust, doing nothing all over the face of this place.

Old Speech Guy:
We're in mourning! Have some respect.

Xavier:
You should be grieving the death of your vigilance! He's playing possum. [literally rips out the dead man's heart] I can tell. I have some bad news. He's passed on, to a better, more euphemistic place. Well, let's throw together an impromptu funeral.

Old Woman:
You've desecrated his memory!

Xavier:
You don't know what he wants, but I can speak for the dead when I say I can CHANNEL THE DEAD! I hate to brag my britches, but I'm a rather large medium when I penetrate the gray veil. Bleed me. Once I get this dead motormouth yapping through me, he won't stop chewing my lips off till I have to knock his black off and jack our mouths off.

Old Speech Guy:
I'd throw this freak out, but I don't want to get tooth-goo on my suit.

Xavier:
He's coming. He's coming...inside me.

[Abraham Lotion possessed Xavier to be raised from the dead]

Xavier (possessed by Abraham Lotion):
Oh, hello, people of -- What's this town called again?

Lotion Guy:
Lotion, New Mexico.

Xavier (possessed by Abraham Lotion):
People of earth, I am...what's the dead guy's name?

Lotion Guy:
Abraham Lotion.

Xavier (possessed by Abraham Lotion):
What kind of name is "Lotion"?

Lotion Guy:
He invented lotion and founded this sleepy town. We produce 70% of the nation's lotion, We're a simple folk, but we get free hot and cold-running lotion, so we look great.

Xavier (possessed by Abraham Lotion):
Whatevs. I am Abe Lotion, and I want that you taint shan't not mourn.

Old Guy:
This guy's babbling exactly like Mr. Lotion on his deathbed. It's him! I'd know that gibberish anywhere!

Xavier (possessed by Abraham Lotion):
Is there someone here wearing a black shirt?

Black Shirt Guy:
I am, but how could he have known that? He's dead.

Old Guy #2:
Do you have a message for us from the beyond?

Xavier (possessed by Abraham Lotion):
Course I do. What do you think, I'm back from the dead for my health? A message -- It's around here somewhere. Here it is. [reads his own message] "Keep your hands out of my pockets".

Xavier:
I think what he means is that we should follow the GOLDEN RULE. He's gone. Grab those lats, kid. He's back. Hey, let's give that vessel a hand! He's gone. Please, I'm a humble servant. I don't need the clap from you people. And he's back! Come on, folks. Give it up. Everybody wants applause! And he's gone forever!

Xavier:
But we must honor his dying request. I mean, I wasn't really playing attention. I was blue-toothing it during half his blather, but I think he yammered something about how GOLD RULES. You must honor him with a gold statue in the center of town.

Black Shirt Guy #2:
We don't have the resources.

Xavier:
Have you no respect for the dead? Why don't you just piss in the man's face like this?

[pees in Abraham Lotion's body]

Black Shirt Woman:
Gold is just something we couldn't afford.

Xavier:
Well, what's that? [points to the billboard poster of Lotto] If you all chipped in you could win your own lotto. You'd earn enough to undo the indignity of the pisswich, which that man's face just woofed, woofed, down, down. Ooh, ooh, hold the mayo.

Black Shirt Guy:
The dead want us to win!

Black Shirt Guy #3:
And our schools win, too!

Lotion Guy:
Mister, I run the lotion weekly circular. I want to follow you around and get your scoop, tell your story.

Xavier:
Mine is the story of a man searching far and wide, fat and thick and deep for his mother, once thought dead. Have you seen her? She's about yea tall and about ooh big, and about mmm nice. I have a sketch you could print.

Lotion Guy:
[writing his notes] Wow, look at him go.

Xavier:
Does your paper have a missed connections section? Take this down. "You? Sandy, 5-foot blonde, pretty drunk. We made passing eye contact whilst you were giving birth to me. Me? Single, white male, thick and huge. I tore you up that night. Cocoa"?

Lotion Guy:
I'm sorry?

Xavier:
Do you want some hot coca? Good and fruity.

Lotion Guy:
Sure.

Xavier:
Well, get me some, too. Run it. Leave in the part about the cocoa. "Sex Sells". [while bending his body into a letter S shape]

[after the Lotion Guy got done reading the article]

Lotion Guy's Wife:
So did any of this happen?

Lotion Guy:
No. I would have remembered something like that. I don't thi--

[suddenly all the people came into the door cheering that they win the lotto]

Citizen #1:
WE WON THE LOTTO! WE WON THE LOTTO!

Citizen #2:
Now we can pay tribute with the goldest statue ever!

Citizen #3:
yeah!

Xavier:
You haven't won, you are one. You have all shown nobility in your selfless surrender to the greater good. There can be no glorious collective without the individual. Therefore, each one of you is better than any other one of you or the group.

Xavier:
Don't let anyone put their parts over your whole and squeeze out commu-jizz-sim. You should each reward yourselves decandently for your lack of greed and selflessness.

Citizen #4:
Aw, come on, what are gonna do? Something stupid like cover ourselves in...

[transitions to the next scene where they covers themselves in gold]

Citizen #4:
So, then, we covered ourselves in gold.

Citizen #5:
We deserve it.

Citizen #6:
I deserve it!

Citizen #7:
You don't dress for the job you want. You dress for the job you don't have anymore because you got gold-plated.

Citizen #8:
You're only as rich as you -- Look. Here comes the nice banker man to tell ye how rich I is. [literally get his forehead pounded by a hammer leaving a note]

Xavier:
What's this? Seems to be some sort of words on paper. I can totally read, but, uh, I dare you to read what it says on here. Or what are you, chicken? Bawk-ga-doodle! WAU!

Lotion Guy:
It says the bank is going to repossess this whole town and tear it down to build condos for I assume "Latte Liberals".

Xavier:
Yep, that's correct. Give up your gold or give up your town.

Citizen #6:
I'm not getting rid of my gold!

Citizen #8:
Me neither. You can pry it from my gold, dead, gold.

Citizen #9:
What are we gonna do?!

Xavier:
I know some people who would buy your town and not change a thing.

Citizen #10:
We'll do anything to stay gilded.

Xavier:
Even [to viewers] pretend to be robots?

Xavier's Snake Finger:
DOWN UNDA!

Xavier:
Okay, look unalive, people. Here we go! Ladies and gentlemuslims, arabs of all stroke, we got a "goozum" on the loose, so keep your muzzy limbs inside the "tramboatel" at all times, less you want to lose them on a goozum". I'm your tour guide, your pure snide with white pride, here to keep you alive.

Xavier:
And if you look to your left, you're gonna wanna turn to your right, where you'll see a robotic depiction of a typical American town. Only difference is these ameribots are double-double programmed to not hate you, even though you're Muslims.

Xavier:
Coming up ahead is the pride of the city, the lotion factory, with its famed 2-million-gallon silos of anti-aging cream.

Muslim Man:
And all of these people here are robots?

Xavier:
Yep.

Muslim Man:
So lifelike...it even looked like that robot winked at you conspiratorially.

Xavier:
You can touch them all you want, here or here. Just don't play grab-ass. Psst. Show my butt what my mouth means, just to be safe.

Xavier:
Go on. Mingle, do whatever you want with them. Snatch their grub, punch their bellies. Everything is included for your $5,000 a day except for the prop prop playride. That's a quarter. Now, who needs change?

Lotion Guy:
Someone answered your ad for your Mom. I told here to meet us here. Honey? What are you doing here?

Lotion Guy's Wife:
I answered an ad. Years ago I had a son. I never told you.

Lotion Guy:
Is this your son? [points to Xavier]

Lotion Guy's Wife:
HIM?! NO! [vomits]

Xavier:
Mother, is that you? You look so different! Give me a hug.

Lotion Guy's Wife:
Get away from me. You make me sick!

Xavier:
[to Lotion Guy] That's what she said. It is my Mom.

Muslim Man:
Is this female ameribot giving you trouble? She's to obey your order, yes?

Lotion Guy's Wife:
Don't touch me!

Xavier:
Sir, women here have the freedom to do what they want. It totally sucks.

Muslim Man:
Fascinating. Where are time-honored oppressions to women?

[Lotion Guy's Wife punches Muslim Man]

Lotion Guy's Wife:
Get off me!

Muslim Man:
This machine is defective. WE MUST DESTROY IT!

Xavier:
NOO! It's a software problem. We'll re-reprogam her.

Muslim Man:
I don't know. What if it is system-wide? No hate of Muslims is all we ask for.

Xavier:
Okay, just to be safe, I'll re-reprogram all of the ameribots to become Muslims. [meows]

Muslim Man:
[evil scheming] That's the kind of typical American I like.

[Xavier help the gold plated people by turning them into Arabs]

Xavier:
Repeat again. Meka Leka Hi Ala Shineyho Alla!

All:
[chanting] Meka Leka Hi Ala Shineyho Alla!

Xavier:
I even gold-plated the Koran.

Citizen #10:
Can't polish a turd.

Lotion Guy:
My wife! Where is she?!

Xavier:
You're a reporter! Stay objective. She would've wanted to be objectified.

[the people are shooting at the Arab Dinosaurs]

Citizen #11:
it's working! The "Arabasauruses" are turning back into oil!