Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes

[repeated line]

Joel:
What do you think, sirs?

[repeated line]

[a character looks directly at the camera]

Crow T. Robot:
What do you, the viewers at home, think?

Mike Nelson:
There! I think I've taught you not to rebuff my wiener innuendo.

Mike Nelson:
The director boldly mixes tedium with un-scariness.

Joel:
Uh, genocide has a "C" in it.

[repeated line]

Mike Nelson:
We've got movie signs!

[repeated line]

Mike Nelson:
Cambot, give me rocket number nine.

Judy:
[as she is shoveling bacon into her mouth] Mmm, I just love it when it's so warm and crispy!

Mike Nelson:
Yeah, evidently.

Mike Nelson:
[about a man who just had his arm ripped off] And ironically he collapses into an arm chair

Tom Servo:
Hey, they're doctors, but they do puppet shows, too!

Joel:
Uh, suicide has a 'U' in it, sir.

Crow T. Robot:
Well, just come to see what you've done with all the grant money... [shouts] Oh, my God!

[a character finds an old drunk in a barn]

Tom Servo:
Could this be my Yoda-like mentor?

Sister Ann:
Let's do this thing.

Tom Servo:
What? Here? Now? I mean, I want to do it, but WOW!

Tom Servo:
YEAH! WHY AM I CHEERING, I DON'T KNOW, BUT YEAH!

Tom Servo:
I don't think I'll be able to get to *slee* tonight!

Dr. Forrester:
What do you *want* from us? We're *evil*. Evil!

[Joel starts the show while Crow is in a cryogenic chamber]

Joel:
Hi, everybody. I'm Joel Robinson. Welcome to the... show. [notices Crow] Say, Tom. What's with the Crow-In-the-Box?

Tom Servo:
Oh, I'm just taking Crow's body temperature down to absolute zero!

Joel:
[shocked] Tom! If you do that, you'll cease all molecular activity! It'll cause a chain reaction that could destroy us all!

Tom Servo:
Yeah, that's how it played out in our scenario. Hey, wait a minute! That would be really stupid!

[Joel puts on thick gloves and opens the chamber]

Joel:
Hang on, Crow! I'm gotcha!

[Joel reaches into the chamber and bumps Crow's head. Crow shatters]

Tom Servo:
Good one, Joel.

Joel:
Oops. We'll be right back.

Tom Servo:
I'm not putting him back together either.

[Crow shows off a snack he made with his new onion blossomer]

Crow:
Hey, Mike. Want a try?

[Mike samples the snack]

Mike Nelson:
Mmmm, that's pretty good.

Crow:
Try it with my special dipping sauce.

[Mike tries it with the dipping sauce]

Mike Nelson:
Not bad.

[Tom comes in with his dome missing]

Tom Servo:
Hey, that looks good! What is it?

Crow:
Your head.

Dr. Forrester:
Well, Joel, this invention is based on the old slinky train toy I had as a kid. It allows me to be in two places at once, connected by the special bio-tube. Well, it's much too complicated; it would take a scientist to explain it, and I'm simply too mad. Well, what do you think, Joel?

Joel:
Hey, you guys are always stealing my ideas!

Dr. Forrester:
We're monitoring your mind, Joel. Besides, in space, no one can hear you sue!

Tom Servo:
Yes I do. Remember, little boy: if I can leave you with one birthday message, it is... Greet each day with a mighty roar. And always know what time it is. And wear Old Spice. Walk briskly to and from your job, and remember: neatness counts. Fill your head with candy. You are how you look. Me? I'm a gumball machine! I embrace that and my colleagues respect me for it. Heed this advice and maybe, just maybe, you'll grow up to be like me, Tom Servo.

Mike Nelson:
Please be careful, this will be boring.

Tom Servo:
I could prove these guys don't exist!

Tom Servo:
Hey! I've got it! We could just shot 'em!

Tom Servo:
You can look me in the bubble and say that?

Tom Servo:
Hi, everyone, kind of a tough moment. We just tapped into earth's geneology records and discovered the cause of this simian holocaust. You see, virtually every single one of Mike's decendants married apes!

Mike Nelson:
Come on, all my grandkids?

Crow:
Yep.

Mike Nelson:
What about great grandchildren?

Crow:
Checking... yes! Francis Nelson married a macaque, otherwise they all married great apes.

Tom Servo:
You can see why he's upset folks.

Crow:
Thomas Ryan Nelson married a slow lorus. Kevin R.W. Nelson, probably a great great grandchild, who married a ruffed lemur... Yep! Your family liked its monkeys Mike!

Mike Nelson:
Thomas Ryan Nelson married a slow lorus. Kevin R.W. Nelson, probably a great great grandchild, who married a ruffed lemur... Yep! Your family liked its monkeys Mike!

Crow:
Oh it was quite unusual... hey hey hey hey, here's a Wilburt H. Nelson who married a Sara Thompson of Oak Park Illinois. Uh Ohhh... seems he kept an aye aye in an apartment downtown. Ha hoo hoo, this is not pretty stuff. Here's a W.D. Nelson who married eight times... silverbacked gorilla, one two and three, then he picked up a penchant for a bonobo and married those four times before wedding a japanese snow monkey on a day before...

Mike Nelson:
OK, OK Crow, I think everyones heard enough. I think we all get the point.

Crow:
Mike I think I speak for all of us when I say... GOOD ONE NELSON!

Tom Servo:
I'm locking up my sock monkey, I'll give you that much for free.

Gypsy:
Crow?

Crow T. Robot:
Yes?

Gypsy:
I don't get you!

Crow T. Robot:
Oh.

Gypsy:
Are you mad?

Crow T. Robot:
[gruffly] NO! [normal] No.

Gypsy:
Good. Because I want to like you, but I just don't understand where you're coming from.

Crow T. Robot:
Sure... Uh... What's not to get, though Gypsy? I just am. I hang out.

Gypsy:
Ohh. Oh. I know. It's just that, well, you know, I don't really get you.

Crow T. Robot:
Well, okay... Maybe I can help. To start with, uh, I'm a robot. I use cyber-based bubble memory. Is THAT what's confusing you?

Gypsy:
Uhh... No.

Crow T. Robot:
Is it that I work off UNIX and can use a variety of operating systems?

Gypsy:
Uhh... I guess that's a start...

Crow T. Robot:
Well... I've undergone a complex personal evolution wherein painful confusion has given way to what I like to think of as some degree of wisdom culminating in my current Zarasthustrian sense of self. Is that it?

Gypsy:
Nooo... If that helps you, its good, but...

Crow T. Robot:
Gypsy! I don't know what... Is it that I often panic when making sandwiches?

Gypsy:
Yeah! Well maybe its that kind of thing...

Crow T. Robot:
Is it that I smell conspiracy in everything and I don't know what I mean most of the time?

Gypsy:
Uh, that's perhaps a small piece of the puzzle... but...

Crow T. Robot:
Gypsy... Is it an odor?

Gypsy:
No. Well... No. Well... maybe it's TOM I don't get!

Crow T. Robot:
[losing it] Ohhhh brother! Like a Zippo lighter without any flint!

Joel:
If you don't understand it, shoot it.

Joel:
Hello, sirs! Hey, great movie last week, huh? You know, I don't think a lot of people realize this, but it wasn't really a movie, it was just two Space 1999 segments edited together.

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
Regardless of what it was, it put your ratings through the ceiling!

Dr. Forrester:
Even you could've beaten the Cincinnati Bengals, and I'm out fifty bucks!

Joel:
Hey, maybe they'll give me MVP!

Dr. Forrester:
Don't get cocky with me, you orbiting Wilfred Brimley wannabe!

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
Joel, do the words oxygen deprivation mean anything to you? Look, if your ratings keep going up, we'll be forced to send you...

Joel:
Geez, you guys. Last week, the ratings were low and you got mad.

Dr. Forrester:
Hey, we're mad scientists. What do you expect? Larry, put in Humanoid Woman.

Joel:
MOVIE SIGN!

Crow T. Robot:
This is really something. I don't know what, but it's something.

[repeated line]

Dr. Forrester:
Push the button, Frank!

Crow:
Old guy, there's another old guy to see you.

Dr. Forrester:
In addition to my huge greatness, I'm quite a guy.

Doomsday Satellite:
Welcome! You have passed through the first three thresholds of the Isaac Asimov Literary Satellite! Enter the disarm code or enjoy the consequences. Remember, this and all literary works of the last century are the sole property of Isaac Asimov and his many affiliates. Thank you for intruding, you have five seconds.

Crow T. Robot:
Quick Joel, cut EVERY wire!

Joel:
It's not gonna work, it needs an access code.

Tom Servo:
Try ego!

Crow T. Robot:
Sideburns!

Joel:
I'll try "I, Robot."

Doomsday Satellite:
[buzz] I'm sorry, the correct entry would have been "copyright" you now have six nanoseconds to realize the consequences.

Joel, Tom Servo, Crow T. Robot:
[there is a cloud of smoke, when it clears Joel and the bots are babbling and have sideburns - they stop] Huh?

Joel:
This cockamamie satellite's turned us all into duplicate Isaac Asimovs!

Crow T. Robot:
Hey, do you think it's a conspiracy?

Tom Servo:
Oh, no, I covered the conspiracy topic in my ten-volume history of assassinations and coups!

Joel:
This is TERRIBLE guys.

Crow T. Robot:
Oh, I don't know, at least now I'll have something to write about. You know, I've been thinking about annotating the Manhattan phone directory.

Tom Servo:
Oh, look, it's Commercial Sign. That'll fit nicely into my volume on the effects of advertising on the human psyche.

[after a bunch of soldiers were piled up and eaten by a monster]

Tom Servo:
What kind of memorial do we build to those guys?

Tom Servo:
He's going to fly into the commercial!

Flora:
No, Edward! Don't do it!

All:
DO IT, EDWARD, DO IT!

Crow:
This looks like it was filmed in Mordor.

Crow T. Robot:
This is a job for... regular guy.

Tom Servo:
You... little pan woman!

Crow T. Robot:
Uh, I forgot how my muscles work.

Michael:
See? You're feeling better already.

Joel:
Rolling in the filthill do that for you

Mike Nelson:
It's fun when it's fun.

Mr. Parkins:
See you when I can.

Crow T. Robot:
Is that vague enough for you?

Dr. Forrester:
Hello, Joely-boy-toy! Is it true what they say about space?

Joel:
Uh, What's that, sir?

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
That no one can hear you laugh! [manically laughs]

Joel:
Uh, Happy New Year, doctors?

Dr. Forrester:
Don't "Happy New Year" me, you white-piece-of-trash-floating-in-the-vaccum-of-space. We just heard that the Russians have launched their own comedian into space and he is already pulling a four rating. [cut to video footage]

Russian Comedian:
[holds up hand] This is my friend, Bishi. Bishi, how are you? I am fine [Chuckle] How is your wife, Bishi? She is fine but her neck hurts [Puts down hand, chuckles some more] thank you so much...

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
...and he's a regular Gallager too! It's called "Very Incredible Movie Theater 4"!

Joel:
Dr. Erhardt and Dr. Forrester, would it be too much to ask if you could let me and my friends know when we'll be getting out of space?

Dr. Forrester:
Sure, Joely-Poley. Were planning a show for you right now here on Earth !

Joel:
Really?

Dr. Forrester:
Yeah, booby. It's about... a guy and three robots and they're submerged deep in the Trans-Alantic trench, three miles under the ocean surface and we send him transmission after transmission of Jacques Custeau movies. [evil laugh]

Crow T. Robot:
What a couple of dick weeds!

Joel:
Hey Crow, hush up! Listen... thanks but no thanks doc, we'll get used being out here in space for a little more time.

Tom Servo:
Um, excuse me, uh, how long are you gonna keep going to send us those gosh darn Turtle movies?

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
Don't "Gosh darn" me, you little snack headed piece of tin foil!You'll keep watching Gamera movies [Picks up a stack of tapes] untill we get through all these ! ha ha ha ha ha!

Scientist in movie:
Can I show you something?

Tom Servo:
It's under my uniform...

Tom Servo:
This is a story about a robot named Crow. Can you guess what Crow has been thinking? Crow has been thinking hard... or as hard as he can think anyway... on how the satellite has been so darn clean. It wasn't clean this morning, so think hard, Crow. Think really hard Crow - you poor dope. Scan that scrap heap you call a brain and...

Crow T. Robot:
Hey, knock it off!

Tom Servo:
[as different images of Gypsy are shown] Oh, sorry. Ah, yes. Who does these things when we're too lazy or too bloated on dinners of rich food and generous portions of our own gargantuan ego? Who debugs the massive computer control center because our own feeble brains can't add fractions? Who provides the water in which you could bathe your filthy oil-stained carcass? Who goes on mind-bendingly dangerous missions on the outside in cold unforgiving space while you sit cozy sipping cocoa and watching Tiny Toons? Pinch yourself hard, Mr. Robot. You deserve it. You think you're all sunshine and goodness, but you're just dirt between the toes of an evil troll. That's right. Who periodically changes the plutonium rods in the nuclear bowels deep inside the nuclear reactor of the ship while you sit feasting on gooey handfuls of Fiddle Faddle and play hopscotch and marbles and spring in the...

Crow T. Robot:
Hey just a darn blasting minute. What are you trying to do, lay it all on me? You're the laziest robot I've ever seen!

Tom Servo:
Oh, I see, It's me now is it. It's too painful to look into the deep dark truthful mirror, eh. You make me sick.

Crow T. Robot:
[as Gypsy enters] I thought you looked sick but it's always hard to tell with you. [both see Gypsy] I gotta go clean my room now.

Tom Servo:
I gotta go clean his room too.

Mike Nelson:
Please do not surcumb to the urge to eat each other.

General:
Did you know flying a plane is like making love?

Crow T. Robot:
Uh, do you have to pay?

Tom Servo:
What do you think the lesson of the movie was?

Crow:
Don't watch it.

Dr. Forrester:
Alright, we've all just seen the film "Earth Vs. Soup". How many people didn't like the film? Didn't like the film, or just didn't care for it? By show of hands, one-two-three-four-five-six-seven, so all! All didn't like the film. Okay. How many people did like the film? They liked the film? Cindy, you didn't like the film, and now you have your hand about half-way up, so maybe you liked the film a little bit? Would that be correct? Okay, we'll get back to that. Okay, what about the film didn't you like? The film we just saw, "Earth Vs. Soup". What was it about you didn't like, or didn't care for? Say, the plot? Or... yes, Gary.

Gary:
Uh, the plot?

Dr. Forrester:
The plot, Gary didn't like the plot. How many other people didn't like the plot? By show of hands, one-two-three-four-five-six-seven, so, we all didn't like the plot. Why? Why didn't we like the plot? What was it about that we didn't like? Doug, why didn't you like the plot?

Doug:
I liked the plot, it was just too short.

Dr. Forrester:
Ah, you thought it was too short! Okay. What were your favorite characters from the film? If you had one favorite character, who would that character be? The film you just saw, "Earth Vs. Soup", a favorite character such as Mike? Uh... Cindy, yes.

Cindy:
Mike.

Dr. Forrester:
Cindy liked Mike. How many other people liked Mike? By show of hands, one-two-three, okay, three people liked Mike, alright. How many people have an allergic reaction to shellfish? Allergic reaction or...

Tony:
A mild reaction.

Dr. Forrester:
A mild reaction to shellfish. So, Tony, would this keep you from recommending this film to a friend?

Tony:
Yes.

Dr. Forrester:
Yes, it would, yes it would. Because you don't like shellfish. You wouldn't wanna see shellfish in a movie. Okay. What if the soup were a different kind of soup, say it was a chicken stock, or, or something, would you recommend it to a friend if it was a potato soup? Yes? Okay. Cindy, uh, you had your hand...

Cindy:
I don't like soup.

Dr. Forrester:
Oh, that's right, you're the one who doesn't like soup. What's that Gary? Oh, Gary would like a sandwich! Hahahahaha... How many people would like to have seen Julia Ormond naked? Julia... one-two-three-four, so about half, half would like to see Julia Ormond naked. Um... if you had a rat-cage strapped to your face...

Pearl Forrester:
Uh-kay, guys, we've got a lot got a lot of work to do, we had sixty eight percent walk outs, we have to get those numbers down. Also, seventy four percent of the audience didn't like the character of Cruella De Vil, and even though the character wasn't in the movie, we have to change those numbers.

Dr. Forrester:
would you like to see more crackers in the movie? The big kind of crackers, or the small oyster crackers?

Doug:
Saltine?

Dr. Forrester:
Saltines? Yes, good, excellent.

[Mike appears in the theater after trying to strangle Bobo]

Crow:
Mike, why were you choking the monkey?

Mike Nelson:
Because I... hey.

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
Is it working for you?

Dr. Forrester:
Shh! Oh, we're on. Did you see the ratings from last week's show? They went up!

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
Against the Super Bowl! I don't get it! The hot levels were out of this world, too. We've got to send him something really awful this week. What do you have?

Dr. Forrester:
Well, I'd like to shake hands with the man who can think his way around this film. It's another Sandy Frank epic, this time from Chechylslovakia. Even Joelie's mother couldn't watch this thing.

[characters pile into a car]

Mike Nelson:
We've gotta get out of this movie, step on it!

Joel:
DO SOMETHING!

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
I'm telling you, Clay, it was brilliant. It sold millions. The "Paul is Dead" hoax was one of the greatest marketing schemes in history.

Dr. Forrester:
And the "Joel is Dead" campaign is the perfect way to pump some life into the video marketing arm of Mystery Science Theater.

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
It'll be the biggest marketing coup since Coke changed the formula! Let's review the clues

Dr. Forrester:
Yeah! Oh good, good. I was watching this tape earlier and I picked out some things. Here, look at this. See... SAT I. Good, now Saturday the 1st, the first day he died.

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
Brilliant!

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
Absolutely. Alright. Okay next, look: Next Sunday AD. AD, After Death. He died on Saturday the 1st, Sunday the 2nd was the funeral.

Dr. Forrester:
Okay. Now, now here in the lyric, in the soundtrack, it says there was a guy named Joel. Not is, was.

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
Well done.

Dr. Forrester:
Thank you.

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
Very nice, very nice. Okay, here's my final one. Okay, look in the opening segment here. He has really long hair. Nowhere else on the show does he have that kind of hair.

Dr. Forrester:
Yeah.

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
You know what they say, hair keeps growing after death. So with Peter Torque, too. Peter Torque, he looks like Peter Torque. Peter Torque has long hair, The Monkees are kinda dead.

Dr. Forrester:
Uh, yeah... Yeah. Well, umm... Umm, no.

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
You know what I'm getting at? They're gonna love it.

Dr. Forrester:
Uh, I'm not buying that. I think that's reaching a little bit, Larry.

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
Okay, alright. It's for money. There's money involved here.

Dr. Forrester:
Oh yeah, I understand. I think it's a good idea. Uh, oh. Here's one. I took the liberty of uh, retouching the cover of the Abbey Road album and uh, you can see I put Joel's head where Paul is, you know the whole barefoot cigarette thing.

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
This is beautiful!

Dr. Forrester:
Yup. Yeah, well.

Dr. Forrester:
Well, thank you. I used to uh, do retouching work for The Enquirer.

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
Let's see what weasely's... Let's see what Joel... Joel! What do you think, pal?

Joel:
Well, it'll probably work, but don't you think it'll make you feel bad inside?

Dr. Forrester:
Feel bad inside? We always feel bad inside!

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
We just write it off as gas.

Dr. Forrester:
Yeah besides, we need to raise $20 million for our new theme park, Six Flags Over 10 to the 12th Power.

Kathy:
My father's dead.

Tom Servo:
That's too bad. Now PICK UP!

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
[singing] I think I'll file this thing for you As I always seem to do I like working for you Clay cuz you're a really neat guy

Crow T. Robot:
I don't think it's a good idea to kill someone when they're driving.

Crow T. Robot:
Well, a good thing about the movie was it wasn't any longer.

Joel:
And a bad thing?

Crow T. Robot:
It was this long.

[after a character has strangled another character]

Tom Servo:
There, now can we get some sleep?

[the movie suddenly goes black]

Crow:
Are we dead, Mike?

Tom Servo:
Why do we have to pray for the mads?

Joel:
Well, I think they're watching and they control my oxygen.

Dr. Forrester:
We don't want you to pray for us, we want you to pray to us!

Pearl Forrester:
Is it ME? Am I a MAGNET for these idiots?

Mike Nelson:
All right, now watch how a MAN screams in horror.

Tom Servo:
You know, beer and porn DO make the shift go faster.

Dr. Forrester:
Frank, I'm going to start slapping you now and I may never stop.

Crow T. Robot:
On behalf of all girls, none of us is going to the dance with you.

Observer:
I'm not THAT omnipotent.

Scientist in movie:
You are a cynical, suspicious man.

Crow T. Robot:
No I'm not! Who told you that?

Joel:
Hey, Servo buddy. I'm glad you dropped by. You know why?

Tom Servo:
Why?

Joel:
'Cause today, my friend, you go through puberty.

Tom Servo:
Puberty? Does that mean I'm gonna start perspiring and growing hair in weird places?

Joel:
No, it just means that I'm getting tired of your voice and it's time to change it, okay?

Tom Servo:
Will it hurt?

Joel:
Of course not.

Tom Servo:
Oh, here it comes! Here it comes! Beep! Anything you say, Joel Hodgson, sir, master giver of all things good, gracious host and friendly neighbor, not a bad cartoonist, governor, leige, lord of all.

Joel:
think I'm gonna change that algorithm to just "master of the known world" would be better.

Hamlet:
That is the question.

Crow:
I'll take "To Be" for fifty, Alex.

Hamlet:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune...

Tom Servo:
Starring Shelly Long and Bette Midler.

Hamlet:
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing, end them.

Mike Nelson:
Ow, my shin's right on the edge of a stair.

Hamlet:
To die... To sleep...

Crow:
That's what we're doing right now, bub.

Hamlet:
No more. And by a sleep to say we end the heartache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to.

Mike Nelson:
Okay, we need a predicate now.

Hamlet:
'Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished.

Crow:
Especially with Ophelia, man!

Hamlet:
To die... To sleep...

Tom Servo:
To SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

Crow:
Whoa! That's an old chestnut.

Hamlet:
[whispering] To sleep...

Tom Servo:
[ditto] to sleeeep...

Hamlet:
Perchance to DREAM!

Crow:
The impossible DREAM!

Hamlet:
Ay! There's the rub!

Mike Nelson:
I knew I had some rub left.

Hamlet:
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil. There's the respect that makes calamity of such long life. For who would bear the whips and scorns of time, the oppressor's wrongs, the proud man's contumely... [Mike begins nodding head along with the list]... The pangs of despised love, the law's delay... The insolence of office and the spurns that patient merit of the unworthy takes, when he himself his quietus make with a bare bodkin?

Crow:
He said bare bodkin! [giggles]

Hamlet:
Who would fardels bear...

Mike Nelson:
Fardels.

Dr. Forrester:
Oh you'll have to excuse me, things have been a little hectic down here this week. You see, my mother's coming to visit, and well, we've redecorated in her honor. She's the one person in my life who's responsible for my deep psychological scar and naturally I wanted the place to look nice for her. Oh, I'm going to send you along some material that I want you to say to her when she gets here. You do a good job and I'll show you my appreciation by not killing you.

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
We've gotta talk!

Dr. Forrester:
I'm done talking. I'm all talked out. What's wrong with you, anyway?

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
I'll change!

Dr. Forrester:
Well then, change, damn you!

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
I've changed.

Dr. Forrester:
Not that quickly. It doesn't count.

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
You've gotta stop it. It doesn't make sense. You're killing us, Clay! We're not mad scientists, we're just angry.

Dr. Forrester:
Forget it! It would cost too much to change the letterhead. My God, I... I wake up this morning and I've got a mad scientist for a partner. And now, you've turned into Florence Henderson!

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
Oh, is that so wrong? We need a change! New outfits, a splash of color maybe!

Joel:
Uh, sorry to interrupt, you two, but are we still doing this movie thing or what?

Dr. Forrester:
How long have you been listening?

Joel:
Well, since Thursday.

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
Thurs- My casserole!

Crow:
Oh, Gypsy, we're giving you a shower.

Tom Servo:
Oh, look, she's surprised. Isn't that darling?

Gypsy:
Well, I'm not getting married. Am I pregnant?

Crow:
Does just walking through it make you want to kill yourself? Then it's a HIGH SCHOOL.

Tom Servo:
Thoughts of sex distracted me and now I have to immolate myself to subdue the buzzing in my head.

Crow:
She undercut the subtle nuance of my wiener joke.

Joel:
Iowa State College... the high school after high school.

Dr. Forrester:
Oh, sweet information superhighway. What bring you me from the far reaches of cyberspace?

Crow:
What's the point of a helmet in skydiving, in case you land on your head?

Crow:
No fair. You can't flash back to stuff we saw ten seconds ago.

Mike Nelson:
In the future, geese will be rocket-powered.

Crow:
Thrill as they listen really hard.

Tom Servo:
Marvel as they listen even harder.

Crow:
Is the first stage of grief pure unbridled joy?

Mike Nelson:
Get the holy drippings and make the sacred gravy.

Crow:
The only response to this film is pure, unbridled hate.

Mike Nelson:
You know, this movie can be used to induce vomiting.

Crow:
Ooo. I bet that would taste great with drawn butter. Of course, I'd eat my own HEAD with drawn butter.

Tom Servo:
Please, God, say "The End".

Servo:
Macho, macho, macho robot. There's no question I'm a macho guy. Hey! Whoa, excuse me, miss. Say, I've never noticed you on the satellite before. Hahaha. I'm Tom Servo, man about satellite. Sure, I may look small, but I'm built like a Quisinar. Really. You know, don't think me forward miss, but I couldn't help but notice that you've got 11 settings. You know, you're kinda quiet, and I like that in a woman! Too many of the gals I've known just like to rub exotic oils on me and fan me and... Which is okay, I guess, but I need a change. I need a woman more my speed and I happened to notice, you've got 11 of 'em. Wait, I must've offended you. You're blushing! No? That's juice, I think. You know, I've always found juice in the head to be quite a turn-on, my little scientific calculator, you. Hahahaha. Ever gotten a wild hair and just filled your head with guacamole for the hell of it? If you're the kinda girl who throws caution to the wind, if you know what I mean. And if you do, will you please tell me? Hahahaha. Hey, I see you've still got a power cord! An old-fashioned gal. I like that. I like a good tail on a woman. Hahahaha. Pardon me, I know I've been coming on a little bit strong, but I love your lines. You've got classic features! Crush, grate, chop, puree... Baby, you've got it all! Haha. Excu- And a lovely singing voice, too! Baby, you do got it all! Joel, I'm in love! Buddy...

Joel:
What do you mean, Servo?

Servo:
Joel, Joel... My God, man! You've defiled my honor! Nobody drinks from my gal. The gall has been thrown!

Joel:
Hey uh, Servo, it's a blender.

Servo:
Oh. Excuse me, miss. You know, you've got beautiful... Oh, excuse me, Mr. Coffee. I'm so embarassed!

Tom Servo:
Ow! You shot my butt! What the hell? You shot me in the butt!

Crow T. Robot:
You're a man playing a woman playing a man.

Crow:
The ONLY end, my friend.

Mike Nelson:
Ya, and the children are all insane, right?

Crow:
They withheld all the interesting people 'till the end of the movie...

Tom Servo:
Gee, even the movie "The Fog" didn't have this much fog.

Crow:
I have my doubts that this movie is actually "starring" anybody. More like "camera is generally pointed at."

Tom Servo:
[upon seeing the credit "Brian Hamill - Still Photographer"] I'm glad Brian Hamill's still a photographer. I was afraid he'd be laid off.

Tom Servo:
Is he a turnip that grew a face?

Crow:
Five hours of staring at a window finally pays off.

Tom Servo:
Uh-oh. Hilarity, guys. Not since the pie-fight scene in "The Great Race"...

Crow T. Robot:
Not since the mudslide scene in "McClintock"...

Joel:
Not since the wagon race scene in "The Hallelujah Trail"...

Crow T. Robot:
Not since the chess-playing scene in "The Seventh Seal"...

Tom Servo:
Not since the orgy scene in "Caligula"...

Joel:
Huh?

Crow T. Robot:
What?

Tom Servo:
Um... well, hilarity, anyway.

Crow T. Robot:
You're really stupid if you get hit by a car AFTER the Apocalypse.

[Crow tries in vain to hurry along a tensionless scene:
]

Launch Controller:
Ten. Nine. Eight...

Crow:
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. One.

Launch Controller:
Seven...

Crow:
One.

Launch Controller:
Six...

Crow:
One!

Launch Controller:
Five...

Crow:
ONE!

Mike Nelson:
I think controlling her will might involve a sloe gin and a Corvette.

Tom Servo:
He always offers me beef.

[Off to the left side of the screen, a car rolls off camera]

Tom Servo:
Boy, the car will do anything to get out of the movie.

Crow T. Robot:
What is this, the airplane of Dr. Caligari?

Pearl Forrester:
Okay, great. Art, uh, I have looked over your script.

Crow T. Robot:
Oh, good, uh... , Let me just say that I will not have this script tampered with!

Pearl Forrester:
And, clearly, there are some major script revisions needed.

Crow T. Robot:
Uh, sure, great, absolutely, fine, fine, whatever. And, uh, uh, um, uh, what kind of budget are we looking at here, uh, Pearl... Dr. Forrester? Heh.

Dr. Forrester:
Well, we could only get you about 30 million for the entire movie, so, how that shakes out is roughly, well ten percent for each of us, uh, ten percent for the company, insurance, uh...

Pearl Forrester:
Administration, holding fee, completion bonds.

Dr. Forrester:
So, we should be able to shoot you about eight hundred dollars for the entire movie.

Crow T. Robot:
What? Eight hundred from... from thirty mil... I can't do anything for eight hundred dollars! Come on!

Pearl Forrester:
Huh.

Dr. Forrester:
Hal Needham once said, "Give me a fire-bird and a delapidated building and I'll give you drama!"

Crow T. Robot:
Oh... eight hundred sounds fine... oh, okay! Alright, okay, okay, we're making a movie!

Mike Nelson:
Hey!

Crow T. Robot:
You guys are gonna be in my movie!

Mike Nelson:
Alright, yeah.

Pearl Forrester:
And the studio insists on Kevin Bacon.

Crow T. Robot:
Kevin Bacon? How we supposed to get Kevin Bacon? We can't afford him! How're we gonna get him up here?

Pearl Forrester:
Well, again guys, this is the big time.

Tom Servo:
Okay, what are we looking at and why are we looking at it?

Joel:
Okay, my little robot friends, but we only pass this way once. This is called "The Godzilla Genealogy Bop." Will you hit it, Professor Cambot? In order to know Godzilla, we've gotta look into his past.

Crow T. Robot:
You know studying genealogy is gonna be a blast!

Joel:
Ahh, you've got it, little robot pal, we're swinging into high.

Tom Servo:
C'mon, let's cut to the chase, ya couple of geeks, and get to the family tree!

Joel:
Well, it started with a nuclear blast and pets that were released.

Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo:
Oh, like baby alligators and other nasty beasts?

Joel:
The fusion reaction caused them to grow a thousand times their size.

Crow T. Robot:
Well, that explains Godzilla's attractive tail and thunderous thighs!

Joel:
Right. Now you're getting it little buddy, but now we must move on. Godzilla's not the only one to benefit from the A-Bomb.

Tom Servo:
Yeah, look! There's Auntie Ness of Scotland's loch! They were married in the spring. And their first born was Godzookie, and now we begin to sing...

Crow T. Robot:
Godzookie went to Hollywood, an agent to the stars. He had an affair with Lorna Luft and smoked those big cigars!

Tom Servo:
And out of the lusty Luft affair Ron Pearlman resulted. Hmm.

Joel:
You know, surgery was considered for him, but nobody was consulted. Oh, I did it again.

Crow T. Robot:
Then Ron met Yoko Ono and they began to spawn. A couple of hundred horrible things as green as Forest Lawn.

Tom Servo:
There they are: There's Kermit the Frog, the Swamp Thing, Hulk and Ernest Borgnine, too!

Crow T. Robot:
But Ernest Borgnine isn't green!

Tom Servo:
Well you put him on a boat and he is!

Joel, Crow T. Robot:
What?

Tom Servo:
Hey! Who's that down at the bottom, a-wallowing in his shame?

Crow T. Robot:
Oh that's just Steve Guttenberg of Police Academy fame.

Tom Servo:
Huh.

Joel:
To wrap it up, the worst mutation...

Crow T. Robot:
No, you don't suppose?

Tom Servo:
Oh, yes it is! The horror of horrors!

Joel, Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo:
KARL MALDEN'S NOSE!

Crow:
Well, I suppose I could just eat the boat and spit them out.

Crow:
So, the only effect of his complete immolation is... minor irritation and redness?

Crow:
White Beer, there's a trailer park of taste in every bottle.

[repeated line]

Mike/Joel and Robots:
We've got movie sign.

Crow:
I felt a disturbance, like a million monkeys cried out at once, then all were silenced. The world... is no more.

[the lights and sirens go off]

Tom Servo:
And even worse... WE'VE GOT MOVIE SIGNS!

Dr. Forrester:
These are squeeze-toy guitars, Joel, made from discarded doggie chew toys. And these are our roadies Jerry and Sylvia! Jerry, give me a little bit more monitor down here

TV's Frank:
Come on let's wail, whooo!

Dr. Forrester:
Wait for it, Frank! Now any scientist worth his salt knows that doggies love chirpy little chew-toys and they love rock and roll! We've combined them both.

TV's Frank:
Come on, let's rock this mother! Whoo!

Dr. Forrester:
Let the cowboys ride! Jerry, run the lights! Hit the camera! This is our new song, plastic man!

TV's Frank:
Plastic man!

Dr. Forrester:
That oughtta hold 'em, Frank.

TV's Frank:
Goodnight, Movie Sign, Cheap Trick says goodnight, goodnight everybody!

Dr. Forrester:
Now, your experiment this week Joel features a giant, bloatated, mutant lizard!

TV's Frank:
Meatloaf?

Crow:
It wasn't amnesia I had... it was Ambrosia. [sings] Make a wish, baby...

TV's Frank:
Face it, Nelson. Your ratings STINK. Sheesh, you bring in less ratings than reruns of "The Duck Factory."

Crow:
Oh great, the nutty birdman from apartment 4B is going to give us a religious insight.

[Watching Betty the acrobat swinging on a circus-swing]

Tom Servo:
Yes, our Betty swings both ways.

Mike Nelson:
You know guys, the whole situation, being stuck up here in space, forced to watched cheesy movies, interacting with other life forms... it kinda bites.

Crow T. Robot:
You're starting to catch on, Kimosabe.

[Crow is dressed as Mary Tyler Moore, but Mike "Ted Baxter" Nelson and Tom "Lou Grant" Servo refuse to treat him as Mary Richards]

Crow:
[angrily] I can turn the world on with my stinkin' smile.

Crow:
He died gargling.

Tom Servo:
Store this image away for a later nightmare.

Joel:
Visit beautiful Ground Zero.

Mike Nelson:
You failed to properly compensate during the ion storm. Your agonizer, please.

Crow T. Robot:
But Captain Mike...

Mike Nelson:
Your agonizer, please.

Crow T. Robot:
Agonizer, agonizer... Where the heck did I put that doohickey?

Mike Nelson:
It's right there on your belt.

Crow T. Robot:
No. No, that's not it.

Mike Nelson:
It is, too.

Crow T. Robot:
Nope...

Joel:
Geez, what's wrong, Tom Servo? You look about as upset and downtrodden as a little robot with inarticulate limbs can look.

Gypsy:
Tom, I don't get you.

Tom Servo:
Nobody does. I'm the wind, baby.

Tom Servo:
Okay, I'm nude and I'm still trapped in the castle.

[Main character in movie gets attacked by invisible enemy]

Joel:
Oh look, they were too cheap to hire villains.

Teenage boy:
Mr. Miller, is something wrong?

Crow:
Sit down, pie-face. It's a long list.

[a character tells someone to set a device on "nuclear"]

Crow:
Oh great, what was it on before? 'Defrost'?

Dr. Forrester:
Frank, I... I can't wait. I want you to open your gift now.

TV's Frank:
Great idea, Pete! As a matter of fact uh, I picked you up a little something myself.

Dr. Forrester:
Uh... For me? You shouldn't have.

TV's Frank:
It was nothing, really.

Dr. Forrester:
Oh, Frank. No, it's the thought that counts. I, I know that you think that I'm probably just a cold-hearted jerk without an ounce of self-respect for myself or anyone else, but on the other hand...

TV's Frank:
Merry Christmas, Dr. Forrester.

Dr. Forrester:
Merry Christmas, Frank... Oh, Frank! What a lovely watch-band! This must have set you back a pretty penny.

TV's Frank:
Well actually I uh, didn't have any money, so I took the liberty of hawking your Rolex and... to pay for that...

Dr. Forrester:
You... hawked my Rolex.

TV's Frank:
Yeah.

Dr. Forrester:
Well, it's the thought that counts. Open your gift.

TV's Frank:
Oh, boy! I bet it's a book! I bet it's a book!

Dr. Forrester:
Yes, it is a book, Frank. It's... It's called "Final Exit". I've been stealing your plasma at night so I didn't have to spend any of my own money.

TV's Frank:
Oh Henry.

Dr. Forrester:
Well, until next time, bumpus.

TV's Frank:
God bless us, everyone.

Mike Nelson:
Hi, folks. Mike Nelson here. Crow and Servo are about to help me with the annual Satellite of Love safety check. You guys ready?

Crow:
Roger.

Tom Servo:
Ramjet.

Mike Nelson:
Fire extinguisher?

Tom Servo:
Empty.

Crow:
Shot it off in your face. Next.

Mike Nelson:
Okay. Flare gun?

Tom Servo:
Did it.

Crow:
Shot it off in your face. Next.

Mike Nelson:
First aid kit?

Tom Servo:
Used it to treat your flare burns.

Mike Nelson:
Right. Parachute?

Crow:
Gym class.

Mike Nelson:
Life vest?

Tom Servo:
Faulty.

Mike Nelson:
Ham radio?

Crow:
Mistook it for an actual ham.

Mike Nelson:
There, the Satellite of Love is completely unsafe. Hey, does anything work?

Tom Servo:
Yeah, the toaster over. We used it to bake the ham radio. Mmmm.

Mike Nelson:
Oh, OK, well then. We're dead. We'll be right back

Crow:
Come on, Mike, we're gonna go stick our heads in the towel dispenser.

Tom Servo:
Weeee.

Crow T. Robot:
I've been thinking about this chapstick, and it really helps our side to use as much chapstick as possible, although as a lubricant, it's awful. I prefer 10W40, or 10W30 in the winter, or 5W30 or any lubricant with a heavy viscosity, though many orifices of the body produce their own lubricants or secretions. My favorite orifices are: the nose, the ear - the ear produces a gelatinous, wax-like substance which can be removed with a swab. Not to be confused with a swabby. Remember, never stick anything in your ear larger than a pirate. This could cause severe pillaging. "Arr! Jim-boy! Pieces of meat! What's in those barrels anyway?"

Crow:
This film DARES you to watch it.

Crow T. Robot:
Oh. Well, I'm glad you found it. This is a special report card my partner Tom and I developed for expensive private academies, because Joel, privilege has its own odor. What do you think, sirs?

TV's Frank:
Joel! Grades aren't important... it's the SAT's that count. Well, now the good doctor and I would like to make a prediction about the next big trend in entertainment. Move over comedy clubs, move over trendy discussion salons, move over karaoke bars, here comes ventriloquism! Big, broad, sassy, and brassy. And now Deep 13, in association with George Slaughter Productions, would like to present the ventriloquistic stylings of Dr. Clayton Forrester and his lovable sidekick, Resusci-Annie.

Dr. Forrester:
Hello uh, this is Resusci-Annie. We secured over two thousand of these previously-owned CPR demonstration dolls and retrofitted them with ventriloquist animations in anticipation of the ventriloquist boom of the 90's. And without further ado uh, it's time to sit back and laugh and learn with Resusci-Annie. Hehe. Say hello to the nice folks Resusci. Hello nice folks. Resusci, I implore you to be kind and courteous to these well meaning and clean, uh, people here today. I wanna go find some chicks. Heh, but Resusci, you is a chick! I said Resusci, you is a chick! Uh, Frank something's wrong this looks like the big one... I'll revive Resusci and tell Joel about the movie, you dial 911 while drinking water. Your film today, Joel, is a little film which stars no one. It features a giant lame lobster and oh... breathe two, three, four. It's called "Teenagers from Outer Space" and it is a spunky load of noodles.

TV's Frank:
Hey, it wasn't my fault that we showed "The Phantom Creeps" at the end... It's Dr. Forrester who calls all the shots around here... If you ask me, that chauffeur had the right idear. As a matter of fact, I've prepared a little number... [sings] If chauffeurs ruled the world, it's what I'd like to see 'cause everyone in the world would take a back seat to me. I wouldn't have to drive, I wouldn't have to steer... 'Cause all the world would bow down before me in total abject fear. All the gorgeous dames would worship at my feet. Why, I could have anyone of them I want... Even Meryl Streep. I'd have complete respect of everyone on the planet including intellectuals, even David Mamet. Tell me why do I have to take orders from this guy? I'd like to drop him in a bucket of boiling grease and watch him slowly die.

Dr. Forrester:
What? What are you saying? That you're the only one to come up with a Halloween costume by using stuff found around the house? I came up with this when you were back in short-pants! Can you guess what I am? Can ya guess? Well, by taking two lengths of ABS drainage tubing, and fastening them to my arms, and keeping my feet together really close, I go as the goalie of a foosball team! Huh! You get it?Frank? Huh?

TV's Frank:
And by wearing this ordinary everyday Fram air-filter, I get to dress up as Lieutenant Commander Geordi LaForge of TV's Star Trek: The Next Generation, starring TV's Levar Burton. Kids, reading opens up a rainbow of enchantment and whimsy and wonder and wisdom and...

Dr. Forrester:
Thank you, Kunta Kinte. Well, your film this week, Joel, burns deep in the fine tradition of "Kramer Vs. Kramer", "Ollie Vs. Norton", "Kasparoff Vs. Karpoff", it's "Megalon Vs. Godzilla".

TV's Frank:
It'll make you laugh, it'll make you cry, and maybe, just maybe, teach you a little something about yourself. And kids, don't forget to read Godzilla Vs. the Velveteen Rabbit.

Tom Servo:
Is the FILM grainy, or are these GUYS just kinda grainy?

Mike Nelson:
You know, even when stuff happens in this movie, stuff doesn't happen.

Phantom of Krankor:
What a fool.

Tom Servo:
He has defeated us numerous times, what makes him think he can do it again? HA.

Mike Nelson:
This is one of the most ambitiously bad movies we have ever done.

Mike Nelson:
There is not an appealing spot in this town.

Mike Nelson:
I've never known more about what isn't happening in a movie.

Scientist in movie:
Oh no...

Crow:
The thing we're looking for is COMING, oh no...

Joel:
Ice cream. I LOVE THIS PARTY.

Cook:
They give you a thousand bucks to join, and a thousand bucks when it's over.

Tom Servo:
That's at least a thousand bucks.

Tom Servo:
Yep, that first morning beer is always the best.

Crow:
So, anyway, guys, who did they think this movie would appeal to? Elderly squirrels?

Tom Servo:
People without heads?

Mike Nelson:
Used napkins?

Crow:
Italians?

Mike Nelson:
Crow. That's getting off the point.

Crow:
You're right. Uhh... Germans?

Crow:
That was an official thing I just did.

Tom Servo:
Hey, Mike, is that Satan's butt? Oh, no, wait, it's that guy's face.

Grandpa Borgnine:
So, David, Michael's father, senses that something in his house might be possesed by an evil spirit.

Crow:
You are sick, old man.

Japanese reporter:
I got pictures of your spaceship.

Tom Servo:
MY spaceship. When we bought it it was OUR spaceship.

Tom Servo:
Hey, they threw Alanis Morissette in prison.

Mike Nelson:
Finally.

Crow:
Ya' know, if we PRETEND we know whats going on, this is actually kind of exciting.

Tom Servo:
Vacation. [deep voice] In the Forbiden Zone.

Tom Servo:
The sad thing is, they're trying to tap dance. Hahahaha. Kill me.

Crow:
Are we in this scene, or are we supposed to be back with the mole-people?

Mike Nelson:
The doctor dresses like an off-duty Denny's manager.

Gypsy:
Remember, my gumball-headed young friend...

Crow:
My breasts led me here.

[Things have gotten even stupider in the movie they're watching]

Crow:
Mike, I demand that you kill me.

Tom Servo:
Me too.

Tom Servo:
Y'know, Mike, every year of my life, I grow more and more convinced that the wisest and the best is to fix our attention on the good and the beautiful. If you just take the time to look at it.

Ryder:
WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH.

Tom Servo:
Well, anyway, got that out of my system.

Lisa:
It looks like there was a war.

Tom Servo:
You'll have to take my word for it, we can't afford to show it.

Mike Nelson:
You know, it's possible they're making an electric Santa Claus.

Tom Servo:
At this point, they could be doing anything.

Tiger:
Pretty weird, huh?

Mike Nelson:
Yeah. Too bad it's not in the same movie.

Tom Servo:
I should be sternly disciplined. Oh yes.

Crow:
Tolkien couldn't follow this plot.

Tom Servo:
So, we're about a half-hour into the movie?

Joel:
No, actually it's only about a minute.

Tom Servo:
No.

Peg:
Oh, Liz, everyone isn't as slow as you and Andy.

Crow:
Besides, you're a Romulan.

Tom Servo:
[upon seeing a college student writing something] Lets see, uh, "If my demands are not met, the screams of those who have wronged me and the smell of burning flesh will fill the student union."

Tom Servo:
This is very moving... in that it makes me want to MOVE out of the theater.

Crow:
Here's two bucks baby, cause that's all you're worth.

Tom Servo:
So, anyway... you can see how this all adds up to a movie.

Tom Servo:
This movie stops at nothing... and stays there.

Tom Servo:
So what if your clone is a hard-drinking, hard-living clone?

Crow:
We need your liver to keep your CLONE alive.

Crow:
This is an example of a time when parents should have crushed their child's dream of becoming a filmmaker.

Crow:
I seem to have died, is that a problem?

Dr. Darwin:
OK, let's keep this short.

Crow:
Oh, why start now?

Tom Servo:
Joel, you magnificent bastard, I read your menu.

Mike Nelson:
Bobo, we have to do something. Please tell me you're not a pod.

Bobo:
Oh, me? Noooo. Everybody else is down here - not me. You know why not me? Because the monkey isn't good enough... AGAIN. Should we assimilate the monkey? Noooo. The monkey's got a red butt. Stupid monkey's got a red butt. Does the monkey want a BAH-NAH-NAH? [Sniffle]

Bobo:
It takes its toll, Mike.

Girl:
That's a great stew. What's in it?

Johnny Longbow:
Oh, a lot of things.

Tom Servo:
Rattlesnake, Velveeta.

Johnny:
Chicken, corn, chili, green pepper... onions...

Mike Nelson:
Hair...

Johnny:
Well, it's kind of an old recipe around here.

Mike Nelson:
That was a very bad and confusing movie.

Tom Servo:
Y'ah know it's spring when the Executioners start getting in the house.

[during the opening credits]

Crow:
I'm not even going to watch this credit, I'm just going to look away until it's gone.

Tom Servo:
So the rest of the movie is just watching them all get shot one by one?

Crow:
We may enjoy it.

Crow:
Come on Metamucil. Work your magic.

Tom Servo:
It's the only landscape I know that's enhanced by telephone poles.

Akronas:
When you seem to have reached the ends of the Earth...

Crow:
...ask for Earl.

Joel:
Oh, let me get a pencil, I wanna write THAT one down.

Mike Nelson:
My wonderful discovery. Let's kill it.

Crow:
Hey hotshot, you ever used a tranquilizer gun RECTALLY before?

Crow:
You've got monster.

Tom Servo:
And so the completely pointless stretch of movie whimpers out like a small, dying RAT.

Mike Nelson:
Is their any way we could stay alive AND evade the police?

Mike Nelson:
Shoot the film first, ask questions later.

Joel:
Why is she limping?

Crow T. Robot:
Because she got an arrow in her chest.

Tom Servo:
Peter Pan, antichrist.

Tom Servo:
And now the king rips off his skin and becomes a dinosaur from Mars.

Crow:
Here comes Mike, destroyer of worlds.

Tom Servo:
O god of fire and vengeance, stay away from me.

Crow:
This is how I go fishing guys, with a flash light and a flamethrower.

Mike Nelson:
The movie that dares to graphically depict seeing peacocks and sometimes NOT seeing peacocks.

Tom Servo:
[Describing his funeral] Dignity, smignity, I want elephants, LOTS of them.

Crow:
The Queen Mother could heat up a room more than this.

Tom Servo:
Yea. I've seen sexier girdle ads.

Tom Servo:
Her coffee table was purchased with the souls of young girls. About eight I think.

Crow:
C'mon photo. I'll cut ya. I'll cut ya real good.

[In his Groucho Marx voice]

Crow:
Say the secret word and get killed by a psycho.

Tom Servo:
Killed by a pencil.

Crow T. Robot:
Killed by a tether ball.

Tom Servo:
Insert knife A into girl B.

Crow:
After his near death experience, Dirk learns a new appreciation for smut.

Crow:
I toast your sleaziness.

Joel:
Ooh its so nice to have a patio that you can murder people on. It's so easy to hose off.

Crow:
Arsenic sucker, that should do it.

Tom Servo:
Why is the coat rack on fire?

Crow:
Lets go cream some fish.

Mike Nelson:
So the first plot point involves knitting socks? I think we're in for quite a ride guys.

Nastinka:
Have mercy on me o rising sun.

Tom Servo:
And you are?

Tom Servo:
Damn. Hobbits.

Mike Nelson:
This is the early version of "Snow White" called "Snow White and the One Normal Sized Guy".

Crow:
Did someone drop some femurs over here?

Mike Nelson:
You didn't tell us you were mythical.

[Father Mushroom appears]

Mike Nelson:
so what does a mushroom eat for hallucinations?

Crow:
I think they lick toads.

Mike Nelson:
Frodo gets drunk and screws with his neighbors.

Crow:
The movie that dares to ask, will he find the dwarf?

Crow:
Heckel and Jeckel in the Ten Commandments.

Mike Nelson:
My destiny sucks, it's a swamp.

Crow:
I have terminal enchantment right now.

Ivan:
You must have a very wicked stepmother.

Mike Nelson:
Yep, standard issue.

Mike Nelson:
Ever since he got back from the Crusades, he's been weird.

Tom Servo:
The director's vision: Confusion racked with ambiguity.

Mike Nelson:
The chilling sound of cardboard against cardboard.

Crow:
Proving once again that slightly unattractive people are evil.

Crow:
WOW. That's 10 pounds of butt in 5 pound butt-capacity pants.

Crow:
What did he say? Fart and get some sleep?

Joel:
I'd love an open sewer.

Tom Servo:
I hope they don't pick up the pace, this movie is relentless.

Crow:
Oh no Klein, Don't take off you clothes.

Mike Nelson:
You know Ed Wood agonized over this scene.

Crow T. Robot:
And now we are.

Detective:
Now what can we do for you Mr Romaine?

Crow:
Make me a salad.

Mike Nelson:
You could shave with her voice.

Mike Nelson:
Fonzi ace of spies.

Mike Nelson:
Well I think Ed Wood has directed himself into a corner here.

Crow:
His face never really came together.

Tom Servo:
There is no God, there's just Dude.

Crow:
Natural born cheapskates.

Mike Nelson:
Apparently the story is none of our business.

Narrator:
He's the champion calf roper of senior high.

Crow:
And next year's janitor.

Narrator:
Watch out, that ground is awful hard.

Joel:
Life is awful hard.

Crow T. Robot:
Do you realize a robot just sang a love song to a turtle?

Tom Servo:
Well, I see this movie wastes no precious screen time with a plot.

[Ten minutes into the movie]

Crow:
Oh, it's over, did that movie seem really long to you?

Crow:
Put a sock in it, Legolas.

Crow T. Robot:
A brain the size of a walnut.

Joel:
The dinosaur?

Crow T. Robot:
No, the director.

Crow:
To be dead... to be nothing... to watch "Neptune Men" no more...

Tom Servo:
A man was snapped at by a force-perspective puppet today...

Tom Servo:
So, a nine-iron knocks him cold, but a shotgun does nothing?

Joel:
Every frame of this movie looks like someone's last known photograph.

[after a movie's vain attempt at humor]

Crow:
That was supposed to make us sad, right?

Crow:
You've never heard of the "Getting Some" clause?

Tom Servo:
Everyone! Soylent Green is made from chickens!

Tom Servo:
Mike, if I go into a coma while watching this movie, please do NOT take any extreme measures to revive me.

CIA director:
[sending a spy on a mission] I don't have to tell you that, if you're caught, we'll have to say we've never heard of you.

Joel:
It'll be as if you were on the "Thicke of the Night" show.

Tom Servo:
Y'ah know I'm good at this. I should have started killing long ago.

Pearl Forrester:
Can I rule you?

Tom Servo:
Sorry, baby. No one rules the Tom Monster.

Tom Servo:
Oh, so that's why you had me kill my girlfriend, so I could see the CLOSET?

Mike Nelson:
Why you're a freak. A super freak. You're super freaky.

Mike Nelson:
Your everyday annoyances should not be filmed.

Crow:
Couldn't we watch a more cheerful film like "The Sorrow and the Pity"?

Crow:
Hundreds of dancers are loaded into a C-31 transport and dropped on Singapore.

Mike Nelson:
The town that's ALL outskirts.

[Upon seeing the name "Temple Foster"]

Tom Servo:
Ah, Temple Foster, where they worship Australian beer.

Crow:
He never fought that big a puppet before.

Crow:
I hate it when a movie kills off a beloved character. This is great, though.

Tom Servo:
[singing] I feel trembly, oh so shaky, I've had whiskey and vodka and gin.

Mike Nelson:
Were we supposed to do some readings for this movie?

[Crow has gone back in time and talked to himself]

Crow:
Man, I was a real jerk a half-an-hour ago.

Mike Nelson:
Talk, or there won't be an unpeeled orange in this place.

Dr. Forrester:
Push the button, Frank.

TV's Frank:
No. I want my money back.

Dr. Forrester:
Forceps, Frank. Pain.

TV's Frank:
I don't care. I want my money.

Dr. Forrester:
Electro shock, Frank.

TV's Frank:
NO.

Dr. Forrester:
Push the button.

TV's Frank:
NO.

Dr. Forrester:
THE BOX, FRANK.

TV's Frank:
I'll push the button...

Dr. Forrester:
Accept the pain Frank! Accept the pain!

[a film shows people skiing]

Narrator:
Fast becoming one of winter's most popular sports is sheing...

Crow T. Robot:
Huh?

Narrator:
...and "sheing" is the correct pronunciation, they tell us.

Joel:
Yeah? Well you're full of skit.

Mike Nelson:
I must have blood before the night is done.

[as Joe Esteveze stands guard]

Mike Nelson:
If you see Martin, shoot to kill.

Tom Servo:
Lucy, I'm hom... LUCY. OH MY GOD.

Tom Servo:
Wow, they're establishing the hell out of this building here.

Crow:
Oh my God, please say this isn't happening.

Crow:
Come child labor. Kids. I mean kids.

Mike Nelson:
The movie that takes the bold step of not including the audience.

Tom Servo:
Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to send a killer vampire into the crowd.

Joel:
By the stubbing of my thumb, something stupid this way comes.

Tom Servo:
Something vague this way comes.

[a plane is seen landing]

Mike Nelson:
Ladies and gentlemen, just to play it safe, we're going to take the freeway the rest of the flight.

Mike Nelson:
That's not a nose, that's a duplex.

Crow T. Robot:
That hand's not so tough! What's the worst thing he's gonna do to you? Pinch you?

Tom Servo:
Yeah and how does he know to go after you? He's got no brain, and no leverage!

Joel:
Hey, what are you guys talking about?

Tom Servo:
Oh, we're just mocking this week's monster. Say, what's a hand gonna do to you?

Joel:
Oh, there's a lot of thing a hand can do to you, if you stop and think about. Like, you're sleeping, he comes along takes his two fingers, sticks them up your nose, you sufficate. Stone dead.

Tom Servo:
I hardly think that's possible.

Joel:
Or he could sneak up behind you, and tap you, whiplash, you're dead.

Crow T. Robot:
Oh, right.

Narrator:
This is the fair ground, where the fair is held.

Tom Servo:
Any questions so far?

Mrs. Snow:
Poor Mickey...

Tom Servo:
You're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind, poor Mickey.

Mike Nelson:
Okay, I dropped the canteen and I got lost, right on schedule.

Tom Servo:
Ah, next I have to fall, break my ankle, be attacked by coyotes and buried by a bear.

Crow:
He's being compelled to hold a skull against his neck.

Mike Blackwood:
There's no reason to fear the worst. All we know is that the plane caught fire and we lost radio contact.

Mike Nelson:
But there's absolutely nothing to be worried about.

Mike Nelson:
Ray Dennis Steckler may have had some issues with women.

Tom:
Maybe this is a chick film and we just don't get it.

Joel:
We're on a collision course with wackiness.

Akronos:
When it seems that nature herself is unwilling to accompany you any further, then you'd have reached the domain of Ator.

Tom Servo:
Canada?

Tom Servo:
So you wanna end your movie that way, huh? OK, get bent. We're outta here.

Tom Servo:
You know, it's economical to not have a storyline, that way you can just film people saying stuff.

[finding an old chest on her ranch]

Flavia McIntyre:
Gold, it must be gold.

Tom Servo:
Yeah, the great Nevada pirates buried it.

[Little boy rides away]

Driver:
Take Care.

Joel:
Don't forget to ride towards traffic.

Tom Servo:
Is it too early to hate this guy?

Crow:
He's Batman.

Mike Nelson:
You know, I'm a little vague on what you are talking about.

Dr. Forrester:
I don't want to talk about it

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
C'mon, Clay! You've been brooding ever since you got back from Vegas. You gotta tell me what happened! Listen Clay, I'm your friend. More than that, I'm your partner. And more than that, I'm your doctor. And if you don't tell me... Time for the physical!

Dr. Forrester:
You're right, Larry. I don't know how I can keep this from you. Look in the briefcase.

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
Oh, my God!

Dr. Forrester:
Sacks and sacks of money. I won it playing Keno. Keno's my game! What can I tell you? I don't know. I tried everything to lose... I, I tried closing my eyes and making little X's on the paper. And everything I did worked. I'm charmed! What can I tell you?

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
There are hundreds!

Dr. Forrester:
I know. It's like that episode of Andy Griffith when Aunt Bea went to Las Vegas and put the chip down on the roulette wheel and kept on winning. And Larry, it gets worse... There's more in the car.

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
In the Mad Scientist Mobile?

Dr. Forrester:
No, the... the Austin.

Mike Nelson:
Ah. You clever bastard, so the editor is working with you.

Crow T. Robot:
Trash talking wasn't very good yet. All you could say was "ARRGHGHR."

Mike Nelson:
If you're done degrading the human race, could we get on with the movie?

Tom Servo:
It's just a simple matter of "What the hell is going on?"

Tom Servo:
All right, we've seen his crotch, his pits, up his nose, the inside of his mouth, WHAT'S NEXT?

Crow:
This guy does not know how to make a normal entrance.

Tom Servo:
He awakes with the worst special effects of the morning.

Crow:
I'm going to read you parts of "The Picture of Dorian Gray", and I want you to be honest with me.

Joel:
Rex Dart: Eskimo Spy.

Thug:
They are aware of our plans.

Crow:
I got... sort of... chatty.

Joel:
Action sequences filmed in "Confus-o-vision"

Tom Servo:
Well, there's a lot of congestion on the highway, so you might want to consider an alternate route. Like, down the side of a steep mountain.

Tom Servo:
The gods do not approve of this inept car chase.

Tom Servo:
Where are you going, General?

Crow:
I'm going to Berlin to personally shoot that paper-hanging-son-of-a-b*tch.

Little Boy:
What now?

Tom Servo:
Scream, die maybe.

Joel:
He fell him like a mighty oak.

Crow:
Note to self: Never vacation on an active volcano.

Joel:
This watery manifestation of a vengeful, wrathful God could not've come at a worse time.

Crow:
Oh, my God. The humidifier committed suicide.

Joel:
Try not get sucked into the vortex of hell.

Crow:
Let's see... Boys life, Highlights, Popular Sceince... My own autopsy report.

Tom Servo:
Well, guys, I guess no matter how hard you try, there's just no way to make parallel parking exciting.

Crow:
It's the all idiot channel.

Joel:
Oh, how I loathe him.

Tom Servo:
Hey, Hal is reading your lips.

Mike Nelson:
Hey, Hal, why don't you go on break?

[repeated line]

Crow T. Robot:
A planet where apes evolved from men?

Dr. Forrester:
You're upset. I like that. Push the Button, Frank.

TV's Frank:
Yeah, that movie was kinda harsh. I mean, why don't you give them a break next time. Like show them Scott Valentine's "My Demon Lover" or Betsy's Wedding, or better yet...

Dr. Forrester:
Push the Button, Frank.

TV's Frank:
Madam Sousatzka.

Dr. Forrester:
Push the Button, Frank.

TV's Frank:
Madam Sousatzka!

Dr. Forrester:
Hey, have you seen that movie? It's acutally very good.

TV's Frank:
Madam Sousatzka! Is it?

Dr. Forrester:
Yeah, with Shirley MacLaine. She gives a wonderful tour-de-force movie. Oh, okay.

TV's Frank:
Oh, let's go. Let's catch it later. It's playing at the mall. Let's go catch it. Okay.

Dr. Forrester:
This is our invention, Joel. Dr. Clayton Forrester and TV's Frank will now fulfill our destiny. The teasing jibes of classmates. The book-dumping after typing class. The shameful expulsion from Chess Club! These are only a...

TV's Frank:
Don't forget all the power sit-ups they made you do.

Dr. Forrester:
Yes, exactly. They will bow down be...

TV's Frank:
The revulsion, scorn, and rejection of all the pretty girls?

Dr. Forrester:
Yes, exactly. They shall pay for...

TV's Frank:
Sophomore year and the shameful shower incident?

Dr. Forrester:
Uh yes, thank you, Frank. The point is that we shall cleave into this puny planet. We will crack the Earth as though it were a China cup, sending entire continents plummeting into the unforgiving sea! Prepare yoursel...

Joel:
Hey, may I ask a stupid question? Why are you guys doing this?

Tom Servo:
Yeah, what do you get out of it?

TV's Frank:
Well, you know, it's kind of a weird, you know, sort of umm... "Omega Man" kind of thing?

Dr. Forrester:
No, no, it's more of a... duh... why don't you go on with your invention, Joel?

Tom Servo:
Yes, and after all that, our hero is down with one punch.

Tom Servo:
Someone can tell Raymond Burr he's late.

Joel:
It's a pity we can't kill you and get away with it.

[Servo has a flame-thrower for an arm]

Crow:
What matter of bot' are you, who can summon up fire without flint or timber?

Crow:
Monster, 2: Zeros, 0.

Crow:
Say, that's a good view of the fiery hell-beast.

Crow:
I can fly. I can fly. I can't fly.

Badool:
My name is Badool

Crow:
No, wait, that's my intestinal condition.

Badool:
Can you say "Badool"?

Pearl Forrester:
Let me try. "Get bent". No, I guess I can't

Joel:
Hey sirs, what's up?

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
Our income if this new gig works out. Hehehe.

Dr. Forrester:
Yes. Larry and I have developed a new chain of fast food restaurants with very low overhead because we don't cook our food.

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
'Cause frying and broiling takes out alot of the nutrients.

Dr. Forrester:
Yes. Uh, if your body likes another body, why don't you try one of our burgers au naturale? It's uh, ripped from the bone to your plate in seconds. It's Clay and Lar's Flesh Barn. Haha. Uh, make with the lyrics, Larry.

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
[singing] If you're tired of the same old fare, you've got a friend in Clay and Lar. All our meat is guaranteed rare, 'cause we don't cook it!

Dr. Forrester:
You see, cooking takes out all the flavor.

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
If you're tired of cookin' at home, try our meat right off the bone. If you listen, you can hear it moan, because we don't cook it!

Dr. Forrester:
Stunned, killed right at your table, eviscerated, very fresh.

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
Now, there's no need for you to drive through. Our fresh meat will walk out to you. You'll say hi, you'll say moo. It's Clay and Lar's Flesh Barn.

Dr. Forrester:
Fifteen locations to serve you, now in Altoona.

TV's Frank:
You know, Clay, when you come right down to it, I think I'd like to be know as just... Frank

Dr. Forrester:
Why's that Frank?

TV's Frank:
Because if you can't find peace within, I don't think there's any...

Dr. Forrester:
Oh, shut up! I went along with you on this long enough! This Mike Douglas furniture was a terrible idea!

TV's Frank:
Don't I get to be your co-host for the week?

Dr. Forrester:
No, and you don't get to sing "The Man in My Little Girl's Life", either!

TV's Frank:
[Joel is watching the mads] Hey, what is this? That Goomba just ate that little Mario guy! That's not fair... I was getting all the...

Dr. Forrester:
Well, you can return to this world. Uh, hold down A and push Start.

TV's Frank:
What does it matter, he's dead! Dead I tell ya!

Dr. Forrester:
It's just a game, Frank. Push the Button.

TV's Frank:
That's right. You know all the fads with the young people today? You know the kids today, with their loud music, hula hoops, fax machines... But the biggest fad these days: karaoke! Wew! Yuk-e-yeeeewh! What we've done is we've invented a karaoke machine that exclusively plays public domain songs. That's right, that means you can sing into your karaoke machine, have as much fun as you want, and not pay one cent in artist royalties.

Dr. Forrester:
That's right, Frank. Now, what happens when you go into your favorite karaoke bar and you want to hear "I Want to Know What Love Is" by Foreigner?

TV's Frank:
People vomit?

Dr. Forrester:
No... Lou Gramm, songwriter and Chess King spokesmodel gets a big fat royalty check! And that means lots of money. So, Joel, we've loaded our machine only with public domain songs. All free of copyright, all owned by you, the people.

TV's Frank:
That's right, you want to hit the roll there, Jerry?

Dr. Forrester:
You get the "Battle Hymn of the Republic"...

TV's Frank:
The immortal "baa baa black sheep"...

Dr. Forrester:
The turgid and bittersweet "Gregorian Chant #5"...

TV's Frank:
The impish "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star"...

Dr. Forrester:
Mozart's "The Magic Flute," and there's so much more! But your experiment this week, Joel, is called Pod People. It has nothing to do with pods. It has nothing to do with people. It has everything to do with hurting! And we're going to sing you into it with our new Public Domain Karaoke Machine. Hit it, Frank.

Dr. Forrester:
Aaaaaaaaaaveeeeeeeee Maaaaaariiiiiiaaaaaaa!

TV's Frank:
Aaaaaaaaaaveeeeeeeee Maaaaaariiiiiiaaaaaaa!

Tom Servo:
Geeze, I hope this works or little Billy will be lunch meat.

Tom Servo:
Meanwhile, on a plastic set somewhere...

[two men are thrown into a wall that visibly shakes, revealing it's false]

Mike Nelson:
The wall didn't bend, ignore that.

Tom Servo:
Bending metal doors, no problem, subduing stocky senior citizens, that's another story.

[an image of a large man circles in the sky]

Mike Nelson:
Really, REALLY Big Brother.

Tom Servo:
Someone turn off the fat rotating guy.

[a chocolate bunny is in a miniature guillotine]

Dr. Forrester:
You have stolen painted eggs in a time of famine. Off with their head, Frank.

Mike Nelson:
When confronted by a werewolf, this is important, immediately leave your car and run out in the open.

Joel:
[exasperated] Cambot, I want you to remind me of something. Next time I make a robot, no more free will, okay?

Crow:
He looks like a cross between Jerry Mathers and James Dean.

Tom Servo:
"Beaver Without A Cause".

Tom Servo:
Two different kinds of plaid? Ew. I'm a naked robot and even *I* know that's a Fashion Don't.

Tom Servo:
It's God roasted for great taste.

Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank:
What do you WANT from us? We're EVIL. EVIL.

[looking at Master Ninja I in disbelief]

Joel:
You know, this has all the continuity of a fever dream.

Max keller:
I guess you can't respect what you can't understand.

Tom Servo:
I don't respect why this movie was made.

Tom Servo:
35 minutes into the movie, we hit the first plot point.

Tom Servo:
Let's recap the action so far.

Joel:
Uh, nothing really.

Tom Servo:
Okay, moving on.

Professor Bobo:
Well, now we're all on the same page. Apes have taken over the world. Humans are an inferior species. Everything you have ever known or loved is no more... Well, your movie this week...

Pearl Forrester:
Mike, your movie this week stars nobody and features nothing.

[Jack Palance is about to be attacked by a vicious guard dog]

Crow:
Damn. He saw "City Slickers 2".

[watching women's wrestling]

Mike Nelson:
Sheeeeeesh. Her breasts are on her shoulders.

Dr. Forrester:
Frank, you just invented the rowboat.

Crow T. Robot:
Hmm, Coke, Sprite, Pepto Bismol, United Airlines... Steve Guttenburg...

Tom Servo:
Uh, can I have that back? I kinda' need it, it's my neck.

Docter:
I should've known he was as good as dead when they wheeled him in...

Tom Servo:
Because he got me as his doctor.

Dr. Darwin:
The computer sucked everything in.

Crow:
"Sucked", Let's go with that word, movie.

Crow:
Oh, that'll go nice in his "fury, mutant Hell-beast from space" collection.

Joel:
Hey! I know you're an evil Hell-beast, but could you keep it down? It's after nine and we've got kids!

Tom Servo:
Hmm. He's drowning. Neat.

[a particularly cheesy special effect is shown]

Crow T Robot:
Special effects by Billy!

Tom Servo:
Audiences won't soon forget when the thing-that-we-didn't-know-what-it-was was put into a helicopter by a guy we didn't know.

Mike Nelson:
Uh, front desk? There's a mummy in my room.

Jody:
Is there anyone in this house that I don't know about?

Crow:
Well, you know Wilma Failed-Genetic-Experiment, right?

Mike Nelson:
Wow, this is weird, this happened to me. I was on a first date with a girl and her grandma killed someone. Dated the girl for a while though!

Nick:
Hello, Mrs. Hinez...

Crow:
How's your ketchup empire?

Crow:
I'll give you a cookie, if you shut up!

Crow:
He made Satan the owner of my soul! I gotta' give it to you, Merlin! Good one!

[during a low-angle shot of Miles O'Keefe]

Joel:
I'M HUGE!

Tom Servo:
This is something Hitchcock would be proud of... his pet chimpanzee directing!

Tom Servo:
At this point, I think the movie just threw up it's hands and said "Oh I just don't know"

[During a low-angle shot of Jo Don Baker]

Tom Servo:
Gah! I don't wanna' be down here!

Tom Servo:
(singing) Come sit by me, and Satan too, he's your friend and mine!

Crow:
Ah, the haunting "bakery" theme.

Crow:
You see, son, we all die alone and afraid.

Teacher:
At school the other kids make fun of him. They think he's strange.

Tom Servo:
Yeah, kids are perceptive that way.

Tom Servo:
Here, be sure to drink it all, sometimes the poison is on the bottom.

Crow:
Enjoy your (hehe) drink?

[reading credits]

Mike Nelson:
Leon Leon?

Crow:
He had the laziest, most unimaginative parents in the WORLD.

Mike Nelson:
What would Liberace do? Uh, I better not do that.

Joel:
Look, it's special delivery man! And has he got a package...

Johnny:
Oh. I see...

Crow:
They found the body, huh?

[zooming in, we see the moon become grainy and out of focus]

Crow:
[dumbstruck] Th-THAT'S JUST A PICTURE OF THE MOON!

TV's Frank:
That's right, we've broken through the space-time continuum and passed the savings on to you.

[the fired security guard pushes a button, blowing up the film vault]

Tom Servo:
That was supposed to open the van door!

Mike Nelson:
Damn.

Tom Servo:
Suddenly the Twist and Crcme seemed a much darker place.

Pearl Forrester:
I'll send him cheesy movies... The worst, I can find! He'll have to sit and watch them all, and I'll monitor his mind!

Dr. Forrester:
As a scientist, I'm constantly working with materials that threaten life on a global scale, and, sometimes, they spill.

Dr. Forrester:
Booze really heals!

Dr. Forrester:
I'm the god, I'M THE GOD!

Mike Nelson:
[the hero stops his bike in front of an airplane] Stop! Or your propeller will grind me into hamburger!

Pearl Forrester:
You're out of order.

Bobo:
I'm not out of order. YOU'RE out of order. This court room is out of order, the system is out of order, the candy machine in the hallway is out of order!

Pearl Forrester:
Look, I found Frank's head while I was cleaning out the closet.

Dr. Forrester:
No, that's just an extra one he kept around.

Crow:
[Watching an obviously gay character in a short] Liberace *wishes* he was this gay.

Mike Nelson:
[on the bad guys inability to kill the hero] Too bad they set their phasers to miss.

Tom Servo:
Why is he so impossible to hit? Why do they keep missing the slow giant white thing?

Crow:
You know Mike, this Ryder guy's like you.

Mike Nelson:
Huh.

Crow:
No seriously, take away his personality and attractiveness to women and it's you.

Mike Nelson:
Oh, thank you...

Mike Nelson:
We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese.

General:
War, is such a waste of life.

Tom Servo:
You know, that line makes me stop and think... about how much better a root canal would be then this movie!

Crow:
Yeah, he can sense danger. A Post-It note could sense danger better than this guy.

Crow:
[to a peaceful bit of folk music] My anaconda don't want none less you got buns hon.

MC:
Let's give a big hand for Mr. Don Snyder

Mike Nelson:
Don Snyder, that's his stage name. His real name's Dan Swanson.

Drunk:
You can't buy enough booze to make me go for you.

Mike Nelson:
But could you try?

Joel:
[as a green monster attacks a girl] The swamp thing versus the sweet thaing.

Tom Servo:
Pose in the nude with the Frisky Kitten Revue, then watch the action from high atop Tokyo Tower, as the twisted world you create explodes in rivers of blood and endless pain! Order today! Offer limited! Not available in Utah, Puerto Rico, prices subject to whim, please wear rubber underwear, some parts may be made of chicken! Act now! Buy bonds! That's all! Mommy! M-Mommy! M-Mommy! M-M-M!

Joel:
[administering oxygen] Okay, breathe, boy, breathe. That was a good one! Let's not do that again.

Tom Servo:
As for these phantom 'breasts' Mr. Robot claims to have seen, I say 'Phooey-Kaflooey!' Perhaps he has been in space TOO long!

Crow T. Robot:
Hooker's a good cop!

Joel:
I know he's a good cop. Had we been on the same team, I think we might have been friends. He's a good cop, but he'll make an even better... CORPSE! Ah-ha-ha-ha-HAHAHAAA!

Crow T. Robot:
Why not men in Little Bo Peep costumes with stinky cigars explaining the facts of life to our unsuspecting daughters? I, for one...

Tom Servo:
Yes! Yes! Mr. Crow! I don't think we should stop there! Let's break down ALL the barriers. Hairy men in Spartan costumes holding bake sales on shady boulevards! Naked jock-strap wrestling! Big...

Joel:
Gentlemen, I have Commercial Sign, I'm sorry.

Crow T. Robot:
You're not my real father, Joel!

Tom Servo:
Why you know this coffee tastes like it came out of an oil derrick. What'd you strain it through, a mummy?

Crow T. Robot:
Yeah, the coffee tastes like mud. Roger Mudd.

Tom Servo:
Well the coffee wasn't half as bad as the dinner.

Joel:
Well, I only burn it when you come home drunk.

Crow T. Robot:
Oh, so you burn it every night?

Joel:
Oh, don't bring that up again.

Crow T. Robot:
I have to bring it up; if I hold it in I'll die.

Tom Servo:
Dye! That's what this coffee tastes like. Dye!

[after a dinosaur has been killed]

Mike Nelson:
I came to warn you... an asteroid.

Joel:
We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun.

Crow T. Robot:
But the stars that we reached were just starfish on the beach.

Tom Servo:
Dames like this always got beer around.

Joel:
What?

Crow T. Robot:
Huh?

Tom Servo:
Oh, oh, oh. I mean... Filled with mingled cream and amber I will drain that glass again. Such hilarious visions clamber.

[Crow and Joel react only with puzzled stares]

Tom Servo:
Poe!

Joel, Crow T. Robot:
Ohhhhhhhh...

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
[wearing "no d" glasses] Ahh, ahh. Aah, aah! These glasses are great! It looked like it was coming right at me!

Dr. Forrester:
It was! I just threw it at you, you idiot!

Joel:
Hey, sirs. Boy, your signal's coming in kinda weak today.

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
Talk about weak, your ratings couldn't jump-start a Yugo!

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
...this Clay.

Dr. Forrester:
Shut up, Lar. This is an important experiment.

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
Let me up, it hurts!

Dr. Forrester:
It's supposed to hurt. It's science!

Dr. Forrester:
[planning on injecting Lawrence] Now, let's see... It's so hard to find a spot I haven't hit... Uh, what's this flower? And who's Roseanne?

Dr. Forrester:
I really think this is going to be it. This is my year!

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
You say that every year we go to the Mad Scientist Convention.

Dr. Forrester:
Ah, but this year is different. They laughed when I made the more painful mouse-trap, but my entrance in the Mad Scientist competition is going to make me famous.

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
Infamous!

Dr. Forrester:
Ah, that too! That too!

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
Okay, but promise me that if you lose this year your not going to blow up the whole convention center again!

Dr. Forrester:
I only did that once!

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
Oh- humph!

Dr. Forrester:
Ok, twice! Twice! It was twice!

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
It was three times!

Dr. Forrester:
The third time I used the incendiaries and it didn't actually make the building blow up, it just made it burn... really quickly. God, that was beautiful, wasn't it?

Dr. Forrester:
Here's our invention this week, Joelette. As you know, the old squirting joke flower has lost the ability to shock or surprise.

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
Oh, we souped it up, though. We came up with a burning boutenire featuring the flame-flower Hahaha-hoo-hoo!

Dr. Forrester:
I'd like to see anyone who isn't surprised by that, Joeline! Hahaha!

Joel:
That is so hateful.

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
Thanks

Dr. Forrester:
Thaaaaaannnnnk you.

Dr. Forrester:
Could we have sent a stranger person into space? What in the name of Jules Bergman was that?

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
You think maybe he's had enough up there? I think he's snapped!

Dr. Forrester:
By no means. Here, file this. Well, until next week, Jumpsuit Joelie!

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
Oh, here's our development! An entirely new concept in oral hygeine!

Dr. Forrester:
Yes, we've employed some of Hollywood's top stars to help us with our new mouth-to-mouth celebrity toothpastes.

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
Feel the cleaning power of the stars' internal juices as they go to work on plaque and tarter build-up in your mouth! Here's Jack Nicholson from "Witches of Eastwood"! Bleah!

Dr. Forrester:
Mr. Clusoe from Monty Python's "The Meaning of Life". Somebody get me a bucket, I'm gonna throw up!

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
And Linda Blair with real head crunching action! Your mother flosses in hell! Bleah!

Dr. Forrester:
What do you think Joelrini?

Joel:
Well, I think four out of five dentists would recommend psycho-therapy for you two.

Joel:
[on the Mads invention] You may have just crossed that line. I've never seen anything so hideous... so immoral... so atonal!

TV's Frank:
Thank you. Oh, I gotta clean out the spit valve.

Tom Servo:
Thank you very much for showing up. I'd like to welcome you all to our MURDER... MYSTERY... DINNER PARTY!

Crow T. Robot:
I did it!

[Instrumental new wave music plays in an 80s movie]

Mike Nelson:
[singing] It's the 80s! Do a lotta coke and vote for Ronald Reagan!

TV's Frank:
Don't worry, doctor, I knew when we brought him on that we'd have to eliminate him; that's half the fun.

Dr. Forrester:
Yes, Frank, but how? These things must be done delicately.

TV's Frank:
After all, he knew going in that this was only a "temporary" situation.

Dr. Forrester:
Yes, and now I want this "temporary" situation taken care of... permanently!

TV's Frank:
Are we talking about the same thing?

Dr. Forrester:
He's been a canker sore in my gumline for too long!

TV's Frank:
The way he struts around like he owns the place. Pah!

Dr. Forrester:
Let's use method number fifty-three, hmm?

Dr. Forrester:
Yes, elegant... painful.

Dr. Forrester:
And it leaves nothing behind but the great smell of Brut! Ha ha ha ha ha!

TV's Frank:
Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Let's do it now!

Dr. Forrester:
No, no. Patience, my little henchman. Let's wait until after the experiment.

TV's Frank:
Yes, brilliant, make him work for it. And then...?

TV's Frank:
And then our little be-jumpsuited fool will be history! Get back to work!

TV's Frank:
[strapped to a table] No mommy! Don't look at me! Don't ever look at me!

Dr. Forrester:
And no drooling this time! [to Joel] Well, hello, boobie. This week's invention exchange is an exciting foray into the field of self-surgery, much in keeping with the theme of today's film. All you need is a willing subject, a can of nitrous oxide, and an oversized version of the game Operation. "Oper-a-tion! The goofy game for dopey doctors! Remove right ankle.

Dr. Forrester:
The holiday season is here, the boss is on vacation, and we've gone crazy! Now I know from experience that nothing chafes a kid's hinder more than his request for a neat toy maligned into a neat and practical gift. Enter the Wish-Squisher.

TV's Frank:
Yeah, what you do is you take a really cool toy that any kid would dig like these uh, video cassette cartridge games. You take it, stick it through the Wish-Squisher... Voila!

Dr. Forrester:
and it comes out as annoying and practical as any gift from Aunt Vida. Check it out: underoos that won't fit for two years.

TV's Frank:
And what kid wouldn't love as a gift: more money than he or she will ever deserve. But then, suddenly, it starts to get weird. The rules change; you start to feel kind of bad. Voila.

Dr. Forrester:
Yes, what was once the bright promise for the future becomes... your 4-year-old sister's raisin collection.

TV's Frank:
And nothing - and I mean nothing - is more fun than racing slot-cars, just like this one, around the Christmas tree. But nooooo!

Dr. Forrester:
What was once your first-draft, grade-A choice from your parents as a gift becomes... socks.

TV's Frank:
Socks, that's right. Yes, what was once crummy, Speedwall, black and green, rayon-encrusted, uncomfortable socks becomes...!

Dr. Forrester:
Run it through again, Frank.

TV's Frank:
Okay, running it through... the Wish-Squisher... Well, it becomes!

Dr. Forrester:
Ah, a gift certificate for a stationery store.

Dr. Forrester:
Your movie for today's experiment makes even me sick, and I like Morgan Stewart's "Coming Home".

TV's Frank:
Geez, they don't really tell you how to reverse these things! Oh, hi! Having a few technical difficulties. Look, Clay, I didn't mean to make you undead! I was just fooling around! It happens!

Dr. Forrester:
Nelson! A recent study by a research group at Senior's Lifestyle revealed that, and Frank quotes...

TV's Frank:
Owning and caring for a pet decreases hyper-tension, slows the heart-rate, and lowers blood pressure. Unquote.

Dr. Forrester:
Obviously the cuter the pet the lower the heart-rate... Anyway, I've designed the world's most adorable pet! It will make you so placid, so care-free, that I'll be able to rule the world and you won't even notice! You, as per usual, are the test case. Frank?

TV's Frank:
And his name is... NummyMuffinCoocolButter! Oh, yes, and he's the nummiest little thing there's ever been! Oh, yes you are!

Dr. Forrester:
That's right, NummyMuffinCoocolButter! Yes, you are, little nummy, isn't he cute, Frank? I... it out-does the kitty cat, runs circles around the Easter Bunny, and makes Snuggles the fabric-softening bear look like Penn Jillette.

TV's Frank:
was alone, I had lost my way. Until one wonderful, funderful day when I met a friend made up of fur and fuzz, a friendly little friend whose friendly name was... NummyMuffinCoocolButter! Scrappy little pal like no udder. His name is kinda long so you can just call him Muffin. Whatever ya call him, I sure as heck love him. I love him even more than my father or mudder, NummyMuffinCoocolButter... But then, one day unexpectedly, NummyMuffinCoocolButter was taken from me. The loss of that pet has left a really big void. My subsequent behaviour would even startle Freud. When it comes to pets, there'll never be anudder like... NummyMuffinCoocolButter... NummyMuffinCoocolButter... NummyMuffinCoocolButter! Goodbye, Nummy Muffin CoocolButter... I love you.

Dr. Forrester:
[while badly wounded] No... wait... I'm alive... No, I'm dead. No... Yes... No, now I'm dead... Wait... I'm still alive... No... I'm dead... Wait, I can't die. I've got too much to live for! I've got my good friend Frank! I've got things, things that I've gotta do! I gotta live and laugh and love and live and embrace the world... I wanna live!... Oh, Joe! Hi! Wooh-ooh-oooh-ow! Ah, hurt! Aah! Oh, oooh...

Crow T. Robot:
Oh, he must mean David More.

Tom Servo:
No, he's on TV-4.

Crow T. Robot:
No, that's More on 4.

Tom Servo:
No, that's a black gospel singing group.

Crow T. Robot:
No, that's More by 4.

Tom Servo:
Isn't that an off road truck?

Tom Servo:
No, that's a 4 by 4.

Crow T. Robot:
No, your thinking of a 2 by 4.

Crow T. Robot:
No, that's a TV term, you know, 2-4, good buddy.

Tom Servo:
No, that's 10-4. No, that's a tax form you fill out.

Joel:
Oh great, that's about as funny as plastic doggy do.

Tom Servo:
What's a "doggie do"?

Crow T. Robot:
What's a doggie do? Well, sometimes they're in the street...

Joel:
Cambot, can you put the number on the screen? Call us back if you have any messages, okay? Thanks a lot. Good night.

Crow T. Robot:
...fire hydrants, and sometimes they smell your crotch, and sometimes they stare at the wall, and sometimes they chase a stick or cars, or bark at the mailman, and chew your shoes, and scratch the door. And then sometimes their favorite toy gets stuck under the couch. I hate when that happens. Rrr! Rrr! But you can pretend, you can throw a stick, and they'll chase it. And cats won't do that, though. Cats are dumb. Cats will lick themselves, and...

Crow T. Robot:
Put your shoes on, we're at the monster.

Boss:
I always knew leadership was important dad, but I never thought about it n connection with my own business. But come Monday things will be different.

[we cut to a meeting on Monday]

Joel:
We're going to have leadership the way my old man told me. You, put a handkerchief on your head! You, swat at imaginary elves! You, rock on the porch all night!

Crow T. Robot:
Martin Landau, wasn't he on Mission:Impossible?

Tom Servo:
Yes, and he married Barbara Bain.

Crow T. Robot:
Like I said, Mission:Impossible.

Nick:
So, are you making dinner?

Lisa:
Are you offering dinner?

Crow:
No, I'm saying "MAKE ME DINNER!"

[watching a Mexican movie]

Tom Servo:
Maybe if Cortes had never conquered Montezuma we would not have had to watch this.

[a character starts to strangle another character]

Mike Nelson:
It's my incessent droning, isn't it?

Crow T. Robot:
I think you're supposed to strangle me 'till I'm dead.

Mike Nelson:
[singing] I love tick infested hounds; slaughtering a deer; and beer.

Mike Nelson:
Ah, the bright promise of a disgusting new character!

Mike Nelson:
Ah, the bright promise of a disgusting new character.

[a disgusting character enters a room]

Tom Servo:
Don't turn on the light, don't turn on the light!

[He turns on the light]

All:
AAAGGGHH!

[a character trips]

Tom Servo:
Plot hole!

Mike Nelson:
Starring Bruce Springsteen's little brother Wayne.

Tom Servo:
Oh I hope they end up togther... at the bottom of a well torn apart by animals!

Mike Nelson:
[the hero is stuck in a tree] Oh, he's looking for honey, like Pooh.

Crow:
He's like poo alright.

Tom Servo:
Maybe it's Endor, hopefully he'll be ripped apart by Ewoks.

Tom Servo:
High speed aggressive non-action.

Adam:
He's not dead, I have these papers...

Crow:
Proving he's not dead!

Adam:
He's in a state of suspended animation.

Mike Nelson:
Santa came down from heaven and made him better!

Mike Nelson:
Look, just cos he's a mutated pile of goo doesn't mean he's dead!

Mike Nelson:
[reading the opening credits] Oh dear. The size of the word 'presents' makes me think they're a little sheepish.

Mike Nelson:
[still reading credits] Oh, Ray Dennis Steckler, that explains a LOT.

Crow:
[on a freaky nightmare] This is what happened when I took NyQuill and sudafed together.

Crow:
Fight direction by William Shatner.

Tom Servo:
Lack of muscle beach.

Mike Nelson:
[seeing a tree monster] Man, his performance is so wooden.

Crow:
[we see a wrecked army base] Oh no! They let Stan Laurel watch the hut!

Tom Servo:
Here we see the wreckage of the great snowball wars of ninteen fifty five.

Mike Nelson:
Snowballs are still outlawed by the Geneva convention

Crow:
You know, maybe the army shouldn't have recruited Keith Moon.

Crow:
There is NO way this guy is the hero of the film. Come on movie, movie can I see your supervisor movie, this will not stand!

Crow:
[Nick opens the fridge, all that's in it is green goo in a bag] Loser status confirmed!

Tom Servo:
Please... eat... me!

Phantom of Krankor:
Each of you will enter a space capsule...

Scientist in movie:
What?

Tom Servo:
Oh, for crying out loud! [shouts] Each of you will enter a space capsule!

Tom Servo:
Krankor is Mary, Queen of Scots.

General:
Don't shoot to kill.

Tom Servo:
DON'T shoot to kill?

Crow T. Robot:
Shoot to pick off, yeah that's the ticket.

Stewardess:
Welcome aboard.

Crow T. Robot:
You're in the part of the plane that falls off.

Sergi:
There's an unidentified object up ahead.

Crow T. Robot:
What is it?

Crow T. Robot:
There's always a boring shot.

Joel:
Yeah.

Tom Servo:
My shorts are never boring.

Joel:
Thank you, Tom.

Crow T. Robot:
Meanwhile, back at the Cody Institute for Scientists Who Get Pummeled...

Crow T. Robot:
You know it's gonna be funny, he's wearing corderoy

Joel:
Ok Gypsy, what's one plus one?

Gypsy:
[Long pause] Richard Baseheart!

Gypsy:
Now I understand why he's so sick. Boy, I'm tempted to call her something that rhymes with b*tch!

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
Clay! Clay! I think I was spotted on the way down here!

Dr. Forrester:
Did you wear your disguise?

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
I was wearing my disguise, but I'm just not good in heels!

Dr. Forrester:
No-one must know we're down here doing this. Well, it's time to call Joel about the experiment anyway. Come in Joelie Poelie Puneit pie!

Crow T. Robot:
[seeing the Mads' invention] Oh, brother.

Tom Servo:
That was pathetic.

Joel:
Hey, no, I thought that was really good, you guys. You're doing really well, and I think that someday, you'll be ready for the Nobel Prize.

Tom Servo:
Maybe for fiction!

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
[explaining how he went mad] And they promised me students, but all I got were monkeys! Monkeys! Monkeys! So I took off my wetsuit, dropped that hedge clipper, and walked out of that zoo forever!

Dr. Forrester:
Well, you've created quite a little world for yourself, Larry...

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
Hey! Tell me how you went mad, now!

Dr. Forrester:
Well, it was the Ice Capades and I was hot riveting my knee caps to Peggy Fleming's zamboni... or maybe it was... '56... Sun Valley. I was found behind the soft-serve machine, drooling over a picture of Dick Buttons... or perhaps Oslo... I was found drunk and woozy... scratching the name Paula Cranston into my thigh with a nail... You see, I...

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
Was that when you went mad?

Dr. Forrester:
No, it's when I became a scientist.

Dr. Forrester:
Well Joel, your movie this week is proceeded by a little piece of tripe that's very close to my own heart. It's called "The Phantom Creeps" and it stars our old friend Bela Lugosi as a lovable but fractured mad scientist. Bad print, bad sound, bad for you. Deal with it, joyless prole.

Crow T. Robot:
Joel? Joel?

Joel:
Yeah Crow buddy?

Crow T. Robot:
Would it be okay if I canged my name to Allan Parsons Project?

Tom Servo:
They call me Mr Tibbs!

Gypsy:
Mrs Richard Baseheart! Mr Richard Baseheart!

Magic Voice:
From now on, I'll be know as Vivian Vance! Hehehe...

Joel:
That's it! That's it! From now on all bets are off! From now on we go back to the old names for the rest of the experiments.

Dr. Forrester:
Frank! Would you stop clogging your colon with food and go and get today's invention?

Joel:
[reading fan letters] This one, it reads, "Dear Joe, and 'Bots."

Crow T. Robot:
'Bots! That's us! Whoo! We're the 'Bots!

Tom Servo:
Woo! Thank you, thank you very much.

Joel:
I just like the way Tom Serbo sings, my favorite robot is Crow, but Joe is funny too."... And it's signed... TV's Frank?

Tom Servo:
D'oh!

TV's Frank:
Yes! Yes! Hahahahahahaha!

Dr. Forrester:
What a little kiss-up. Push the Button, TV's Frank.

TV's Frank:
Oh, Little John, have you seen my arrow?

Dr. Forrester:
Ah, Mikey! 'Botsie-poos! Say, you know what TV's Frank and I have been getting into lately? Voodoo! Yes, it's the safe, economical way to inflict evil on the world!

Crow:
Chickens are a cruel people.

Crow:
Well Mike, that's just the difference between you and me.

Mike Nelson:
You hire deranged psychopaths as caterers and I don't?

Crow:
Exactly.

Crow:
[his testemony in Mike's trial] Hi. I'm Crow T. Robot, and I'm just letting you know Mike Nelson is [beep] ing innocent, so [beep] you [beep] ers. And that goes for your bull [bleep] court system too. Mike, I'm so [bleep] ing sorry I couldn't be there, so take care you [beep] er.

Bobo:
Well Mike, that Gypsy ratted you out, looks like you're going down. [beat] Do you like pancakes?

Observer:
[studying Mike] His humid, fleshy extensions struggle as he attempts to conquer some simple, seemingly purposeless toy. Already a sense of pity overcomes me, yet I am propelled by my own compassion. Although his biological makeup implies a living thing, I am sure we shall discover him to be an animated piece of refuse or feces; but I must remain impartial even as he mocks everything I hold dear. I hate him. I can only pray that his tiny spinal column conveys no spark of truth, no splinter of the horrible reality that is his own soul. My god, I pray for his death and to all things that love rightness and decency...

Pearl Forrester:
[Observer's been trying to send Mike to the planet] Ok Brain guy. I'm going to be very clear. Bring... Mike... Down here.

[a man in a business suit appears]

Mike Down, CPA:
Where am I? Oh. Hi, I'm Mike Down.

Pearl Forrester:
All and all a pretty nice trip. We used Brainiac here as a fish locator and then he harvested some wild mushrooms with his mind. We sat by a crystal blue stream having mind-fried rainbow trout. Mmm. It was heaven.

Bobo:
I got bit by a rattlesnake in a very embarasing place. Had to suck the poison out myself.

Pearl Forrester:
I'll never eat again.

Bobo:
Then got stung by a scorpion. Oh, found the motherload of deer ticks. Uh, sat in some sandbur. Say, got mauled by a bear. Buried me so he could eat me later, and I had to dig my way out.

Mike Nelson:
Oh, hey Gyps'. What happened to the zucchini throw pillow things that Mrs. Forrester sent us?

Gypsy:
I put them in a safe place.

Mike Nelson:
Okay, and where's that?

Gypsy:
Some place where you would meet a horrible demise before laying your polluting fingers upon them.

Tom Servo:
So you put them in Mike's laundry basket?

Bobo:
Nelson, I see your point. You may be onto something. The Universe is in danger but don't you worry, no-siree Bob, I'm on the job. I'll stop these two wretched creatures and foil their little plan. I'll mmm-hmm-hmm-mmm.

Mike Nelson:
Well, again we're doomed.

Mike Nelson:
You know Krankor, I want you to leave.

Krankor:
Oh, do you? Well, you may be interested to know that I have already conquered your puny satellite and that you have no defense against me.

Mike Nelson:
Ahh.

Krankor:
[terrified] : Oh, please don't hurt me. Don't hit, don't hit.

Pearl Forrester:
Quiet, you fool. I found the ancient family diary of the Forrester clan. It's fascinating. Ancient numbers for ancient bookies. Topaz Wallingford Thiesenstein Forrester really knew how to play the ponies. And here, 1,000 year old malt liquor labels. And an antediluvian form of chicken-in-a-biscuit called Her Majesty's Fool's Hen Cracklebread. What a rich and marvelous past. What's this? Apparently, my ancestors have always been involved in odd experiments. Amethyst Rogento Forrester trapped a man in a cave and pushed in bad paintings of the hunt. Emerald Montgomery Forrester trapped a man on an island and forced him to read poorly done parchments and... and, could this be... Adventerine Sowbodaford Forrester trapped a man in a tree and told him really bad sagas... it's incredible. I have a feeling I'm on to something here, Nelson... some power, some force beyond my control. And it doesn't look good for you. Ha ha ha ha.

Observer:
I think you're getting off the point just a tad, you might want...

Pearl Forrester:
Cower, world. Tremble, world. Run and mule and puke in terror, world. Ready. Haaarch.

Adam:
How did you know I was here?

Woman:
I saw the flash light.

Crow:
Plus you were crashing around like a drunk elephant.

Crow T. Robot:
She could eat corn-on-the-cob through a picket fence

Joel:
Hey look guys, they're being followed by a movie?

Tom Servo:
Someone with a really big butt sat there

Joel:
What's a giant eye going to do, pick you up and wink you to death?

Crow T. Robot:
Let's get the dog drunk next.

Crow T. Robot:
Dear Diary: Once again the fat guy got the bed...

Woman:
But you're right, I probably read about it.

Tom Servo:
In the script.

Joel:
He thinks that ball's one of his pupils.

Tom Servo:
He's cleverly disguised as a Hershey's Kiss.

Crow T. Robot:
It sure is sunny in space.

Joel:
You can tell they're more advanced because their furniture doesn't break... It tips over but it doesn't break

Tom Servo:
Oh, I'd hate to shoot a butt like that.

Edward:
It's about the aztec breastplate and bracelet, gentlemen

Joel:
I put them on at night and dance.

Tom Servo:
You have my word of honor that the story I have been telling is the truth... Okay, mixed with a little fiction... Alright, I'm lying my butt off...

Crow T. Robot:
This is the kind of movie you don't pause when you leave the room

Edward:
It's time I revealed something very serious...

Tom Servo:
My underwear is a hundred years old.

Tom Servo:
Why does he have to kill them to prove his point? Can't he just show them a pie chart or something?

Joel:
Their technology must be light-years ahead of ours. Their use of stock footage is amazing.

Joel:
They're like Klingons without the kling.

Crow T. Robot:
No one could hold a candle to him in this role. Well, maybe they could douse him in something flammable and then hold a candle to him.

Tom Servo:
No self-respecting scientist would have his shirt unbuttoned that far.

Joel:
You know, you'd think if he was going to rule the world he'd choose a better spot than a cave.

Joel:
Due to an error, there are still a few of you left alive. We sincerely apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you.

Tom Servo:
Hey mom, tell us about hell again.

Joel:
[seeing Ro-Man] That ladies and gentlemen, is the destroyer of the universe... I rest my case

Tom Servo:
Don't point that goat at me, it might go off.

Joel:
Cody, don't wear your jet pack in the house. What if that thing went off?

Joel:
Always get a contract when working with a dark, omnipotent power.

Crow T. Robot:
In the future, all robots will act like Don Knotts.

Tom Servo:
Joel, if we ever get to be like these 'bots - please shut us down?

Tom Servo:
That blast to the face kinda helped her diction.

Crow T. Robot:
Let's go kill something we don't understand.

Crow T. Robot:
Oh, great, a harmonica. As if this guy wasn't annoying enough.

Joel:
Don't trust a guy with a dumb crayola hat.

Crow T. Robot:
Ah, the clean smell of kids who know they rule the world.

Crow T. Robot:
Oh, You taste like a fat drunk Russian.

Joel:
I never thought the end of the world would be so annoying.

Joel:
You sound like a manure salesman with a mouthful of samples.

Tom Servo:
Live fast, die young, and leave a fat, bloated, ugly corpse.

Joel:
Who are you? Where are we? Could we get a frame of reference or something. PLEASE?

Joel:
Banjo, you're just strung too high.

Crow T. Robot:
Citrusville, City of Progress. Where everyone is juiced.

Crow T. Robot:
Her back looks like a Klingon's forehead.

Crow T. Robot:
I'll be fine as soon as I scrape my butt off the ceiling.

Tom Servo:
So I guess a rocket is standard picnicking equipment in Japan, isn't it?

Crow T. Robot:
Whenever they test nuclear bombs, it's the monsters who suffer.

Joel:
Uh, Godzilla, your tail got longer.

Crow T. Robot:
That's not my tail.

Joel:
They just watched a man get tongued to death

Tom Servo:
I'd rather share a needle with Keith Richards.

Crow T. Robot:
His Mickey Mouse gloves give him incredible power.

Joel:
Uh, honey, I think we're growing apart, we don't have the same interests any more. You want to conquer the world, I want to put a shop in the basement.

Crow T. Robot:
Mind if I smell your daughter?

Crow T. Robot:
What's his obsession with traffic accidents?

Joel:
Boy, Gamera's gonna need an emissions test, pronto.

Joel:
Help, I'm being whipped into housewares.

Tom Servo:
He died as he lived, with jelly all over his face.

Joel:
Lets go get some tuna safe dolphin

Joel:
Even the Monster's badly dubbed.

Joel:
Oh, it's just part of the American way: turning a neighboring country rich in culture and beauty into a goofy appetizer.

Joel:
Uh, Mr. B, what would you know about dignity?

Bomar:
The doll has a teddy bear's head, and the teddy bear has a doll's head.

Joel:
Don't worry, we'll give them to dyslexic kids.

Crow T. Robot:
What, no headbutt this morning? Honeymoon over?

Tom Servo:
don't suppose there's any chance this guy's going to end up under the wheels of a train, is there?

Joel:
This scene's so gross even the lighting guy left

Joel:
The plot's starting to make sense, RUN.

Joel:
You know you're boring when you're boring a Van Patten.

Crow T. Robot:
Nothing worse than a cornered Van Patten.

Tom Servo:
Since when did NASA paint anything red?

Crow T. Robot:
Hey check out Pee Wee's evil brother on the right.

Crow T. Robot:
[mocking the hero] I'll be using this condescending tone until the mid-70's

Tom Servo:
Nice location for a beating. Real scenic.

Tom Servo:
One good thing about the apocalypse - always plenty of parking.

Crow T. Robot:
Will you stop being evil over my shoulder?

Joel:
Go ahead, strip me of my dignity at age four.

Narrator:
Just 2 years ago he was still riding calfs

Crow T. Robot:
Now he sells pencils and string on street corners.

Crow T. Robot:
Oh I hate when they talk during the movie

Adam:
You think this is all there is to America? Apple pie and all that jazz?

Crow:
And hula-hoops and dungarees?

Adam:
Well it's my job to keep the apple on the table and no-one questions how I do it.

Mike Nelson:
I'll just need an hour to figure out your metaphor.

Joel:
I think this movie just broke the goofy-meter.

Crow T. Robot:
It's the newest sport, Grandpa dunking.

Joel:
Why is he wearing a bath mat?

Joel:
They're giddy with violence.

Joel:
It's an army of Porto-potties.

Crow T. Robot:
Can we break your hat open now and eat the popcorn?

Crow T. Robot:
[watching Hercules struggle] Oh wait, he can bend steel but he can't break through a net?

Tom Servo:
Beseech this.

Tom Servo:
They're not dead, they're just 'metaphysically challenged'.

Gypsy:
Hey get this, they're steam cleaning the horses.

Joel:
I "have" performed surgery once before, and although the person didn't survive I feel confident.

Crow T. Robot:
[impersonating the film's doctor] Here, let me punch you in the sternum to simulate the pain.

Reggie:
It's like a million to one shot that we'll ever be seen

Crow T. Robot:
Oh, they're on Comedy Central.

Tom Servo:
Nothing like an invigorating swim with a corpse in the morning.

Joel:
Ambiguity is scary.

Crow T. Robot:
His only crime was being born delicious.

Crow T. Robot:
Oh, stop pretending there's a plot. Don't cheapen yourself further.

Crow:
Nihassi told me I look like a walrus.

Mike Nelson:
Now, you see, this is irresponsible. They're encouraging people to go out and drug Kathy Ireland.

Crow T. Robot:
She doesn't have a brain... she'd make a good news anchor.

Tom Servo:
Never, under any circumstances, drive with your butt-cheeks.

Tom Servo:
Evidence that Christ himself created Radar.

Crow T. Robot:
Each box has a piece of Sid Melton in it

Mike Nelson:
Only radar knows what the hell is going on.

Mike Nelson:
Employees must wash tongues before returning to work.

Mike Nelson:
He enjoys pantaloons more than he should

Crow T. Robot:
Thank you Officer Platitude.

Tom Servo:
Oh, teen-age youth, as opposed to the teen-age elderly?

Mike Nelson:
His suit is made of pressed oatmeal.

Crow T. Robot:
As your president, allow me to apologize for not having seen this invasion coming.

Crow T. Robot:
Well, let's see... fourteen minutes to live. Wonder if I can get a pizza in that time?

Mike Nelson:
Look, we've been married for 25 years, at least let me get to 2nd base.

Crow T. Robot:
Hey, she's got her hair on sideways.

Mike Nelson:
Well, it's not a plot point... and it's not an action sequence... so what is it?

Crow T. Robot:
Man... his shirt's so tight, you can see his liver.

Crow T. Robot:
Someone with attention deficit disorder edited this film

Crow T. Robot:
Frolicking has never been so depressing.

Crow T. Robot:
He's like an idiot savant, minus the savant.

Judge Clara:
Their answer is summed up in two callous words...

Crow T. Robot:
Bor-ing.

Crow T. Robot:
Pajamas, jazz, and communism. This is WILD.

Crow T. Robot:
She died as she lived, failing algebra.

Crow T. Robot:
It's a talking wheel chair.

TV's Frank:
You lost the last of the wild horses you dink.

Sheriff:
What kind of horse did he ride Mr. Cooper?

Dr. Forrester:
It was just a head and a stick. It was weird.

TV's Frank:
Ha, Ha, Hey you've got webbed toes.

TV's Frank:
Eww, look at all the poo.

Tom Servo:
I am a fugative from a slumber party.

Crow T. Robot:
There isn't a shower cold enough for this man.

Crow T. Robot:
How many of God's laws does this violate?

Crow T. Robot:
Oh, never let the Devil dress you.

Crow T. Robot:
Make sure your parting is gouged into your skull

Crow T. Robot:
Could you get your stomach off my desk please?

Crow T. Robot:
None of this would have happened if chemistry weren't required

Crow T. Robot:
Never use a trampoline with unstable TNT in your pocket.

Crow T. Robot:
So far his greatest adversary has been a ladder.

Dr. Darwin:
A blank brain.

Crow:
[brainwashed] Hooray for socks.

Mike Nelson:
[Ortega clumsily throws someone to the ground] Worst Katshu.

Marge:
Help.

Mike Nelson:
I need somebody.

Marge:
Help me.

Mike Nelson:
Not just anybody.

Marge:
HELP.

Mike Nelson:
You know I need someone.

Crow:
I didn't know elephants exploded on impact

Crow:
I wonder if there's beer on the sun?

Crow:
Yup, when you think of shocking horror, you think of German Oompah band music.

Tom Servo:
[watching a man fishing] Typical male, sitting in his chair, playing with his rod.

Tom Servo:
This is the worst movie we've ever seen here.

Joel:
Oh really, what about "Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy"?

Tom Servo:
Oh, worse, worse.

Crow T. Robot:
What about "Side Hackers"?

Tom Servo:
Worse.

Joel:
"Cave Dwellers"?

Tom Servo:
Worse.

Crow T. Robot:
"Catalina Caper"?

Tom Servo:
Worse.

Joel:
"Pod people"?

Tom Servo:
Worse.

Crow T. Robot:
"Hell Cats"?

Tom Servo:
Oh, worse.

Joel:
"Daddy-O"?

Tom Servo:
Oh, worse.

Crow T. Robot:
"Rocket Attack USA"?

Tom Servo:
Worse.

Joel:
"Earth vs. the Spider"?

Tom Servo:
Oh, definitely worse!

Crow T. Robot:
"Ring of Terror"?

Tom Servo:
Worse.

Joel:
"It Conquered the World"?

Tom Servo:
Uh... yeah, worse.

Crow T. Robot:
"Lost Continent"?

Tom Servo:
Oh, worse.

Joel:
"Moon Zero Two"?

Tom Servo:
Oh, worse.

Crow T. Robot:
"Women of the Prehistoric Planet"?

Tom Servo:
Worse.

Joel:
"Time of the Apes"?

Tom Servo:
Worse, worse.

Crow T. Robot:
"Wild Rebels"?

Tom Servo:
Worse.

Joel:
"Stranded in Space"?

Tom Servo:
Worse.

Crow T. Robot:
"King Dinosaur"?

Tom Servo:
Worse.

Joel:
"Mighty Jack"?

Tom Servo:
Worse.

Crow T. Robot:
"Rocketship X-M"?

Tom Servo:
Worse.

Joel:
"Santa Claus Conquers the Martians"?

Tom Servo:
Worse.

Crow T. Robot:
"The Unearthly"?

Tom Servo:
[sounding more like Johnny Carson] Worse!

Joel:
"Teenage Caveman"?

Tom Servo:
Oh, worse.

Crow T. Robot:
"First Spaceship on Venus"?

Tom Servo:
Oh, worse, worse.

Joel:
"Space Travelers"?

Tom Servo:
Much worse.

Crow T. Robot:
"Giant Gila Monster"?

Tom Servo:
Oh, a whole lot worse.

Joel:
"The Manchingo Coniglium"?

Tom Servo:
Oh, huh?

Crow T. Robot:
Hey, "Teenagers from Outer Space" was much, much better!

Tom Servo:
[pause] It's a ton worse.

Joel:
"City Limits"?

Tom Servo:
Worse.

Crow T. Robot:
"War of the Colossal Beast"?

Tom Servo:
Worse.

Joel:
"Amazing Colossal Man"?

Tom Servo:
Worse.

Crow T. Robot:
"Fugitive Alien"?

Tom Servo:
Worse.

Joel:
Hmmm... "Fugitive Alien 2"?

Tom Servo:
Worse.

Crow T. Robot:
Uhh... "Master Ninja"?

Tom Servo:
Worse.

Joel:
Oh really? "Gamera"?

Tom Servo:
Worse, worse, worse, worse.

Crow T. Robot:
Mmmm... "Godzilla vs. Sea Monster"?

Tom Servo:
Worse, worse, worse, worse, worse.

Joel:
"Gamera vs. Zigra"?

Tom Servo:
Worse, worse.

Crow T. Robot:
...vs. Baragon"?

Tom Servo:
Worse, worse, worse, worse, worse.

Joel:
"Gamera vs. Guiron"?

Tom Servo:
Worse, worse, worse.

Crow T. Robot:
How about "The Castle of Fu Manchu"!

Tom Servo:
OK, I'll grant you "Castle of Fu Manchu" was just as bad, but we've never done a worse film!

Crow T. Robot:
They've broken our code! And the sergeant was a grasshopper undercover!

Crow:
[as Grampa Borgnine] And then, the devil cat leapt on his throat and pulled out bloody strips of sinew and flesh!

Narrator:
They would be part of the second line of defence. To be used only if necessary.

Mike Nelson:
[immitating narrator] Also known as "dessert".

Mike Nelson:
Apparently, hoping it would go away didn't work.

Narrator:
The monster next appeared in lovers lane.

Mike Nelson:
To a sellout crowd!

Narrator:
Those who survived its terrifying attack, would never return there again.

Tom Servo:
Those who did not survive said attack, also would not return there again.

Tom Servo:
[mimicking the hero] Huh, she sucks. Of course, everyone sucks compared to me, I should give her a break.

Mike Nelson:
I wish I had the slightest idea of what the hell I was doing.

Mike Nelson:
What I'm about to say might sound strange, but I think we should eat this corpse.

Crow T. Robot:
Breaker 1-9 for the big booty, we got a spam in the can and we'll catch you on the big bounce around. Over.

Crow T. Robot:
I can't deny anything you've said. But you're a big fat liar.

Dr. Forrester:
Mother, would you like to kill them or shall I?

Pearl Forrester:
A mother has got to support her son no matter what a loser he is.

Crow T. Robot:
Booze. It's what's for dinner.

Dr. Forrester:
Yippe cay yay, mamajama.

Crow T. Robot:
The Coast Guard, for men too chicken to join the Navy!

Crow T. Robot:
Like a bird... like a plane! Like an idiot!

Dr. Forrester:
Oh, push the button, Judy Garland!

Dr. Forrester:
Frank, I'll give you 3 seconds to stop licking my face.

Tom Servo:
From the director who brought you that earlier stuff, more of the same!

Tom Servo:
[watching ice skaters] Beauty, grace and rhythm... you won't find them here.

Crow T. Robot:
With all my parts, I could've made an excellent vacuum-cleaner. Instead, it's the movies that suck!

Tom Servo:
I'm glad I chose kicking butt as a living.

Joel:
...Does this make me Mrs. Master of the earth?

Crow T. Robot:
Crush someone with an emotional word or an enigmatic look!

Joe Moss:
Coffee?

Crow T. Robot:
What is this "Coffee"?

Joe Moss:
I like coffee!

Mike Nelson:
And thus we peer into the complex inner workings of this character.

Mike Nelson:
I've never driven with my blood alcohol under 2 before. It's really easy!

Crow T. Robot:
Do not use sharp objects for three weeks after viewing this movie.

Crow T. Robot:
I think we've analyzed the plot more than the writers did.

Crow:
So, d - do either of you guys know any songs about stock footage that could get us through this?

Tom Servo:
Oh! I know a song about stock footage; goes like this: Bada-bada-da-da... EAT IT, MOVIE!

Crow:
Woah! Woah! Woah!

Tom Servo:
TAKE THIS STUPID LITTLE COCKROACH OF A FILM...

Crow:
Mike, Mike, Mike...? Get...

Tom Servo:
ROLL IT UP SOOOO TIGHT...

Mike Nelson:
All right...

Tom Servo:
AND RAM IT RIGHT UP... [starts sobbing]

Mike Nelson:
[consoling Tom] All right! All right, all right, it's okay, you're okay, it's all right.

Crow:
[during a song number] Heck, when they said amateur night they weren't kidding.

Tom Servo:
[seeing a bottle of blue liquid] Eugh, Smurf urine.

Tom Servo:
Ahhh, greasy guys carrying unconscious girls, comfortable two P.M. beer buzz, ya homesick yet Mike?

Crow T. Robot:
This movie means two things to me: Sheet cake and back fat.

Mike Nelson:
Thank goodness for internal genitalia.

Mike Nelson:
I just want to remind you, this is a Northwest flight, so we'll be sitting in the tarmac for an hour, with no beverages, no air conditioning, and we're out of meals, and the flight attendants are overworked and abusive, and if you complain, we'll throw you off the flight.

Crow T. Robot:
He's like Jean Claude Van Damme.

Mike Nelson:
Actually he's more like Jean Claude Gosh Darn.

Dr. Forrester:
Eat hot salty loads of lead death, you pasty faced morons!

Dr. Forrester:
That's fine, Joel. Have you petty little insurrection. Just remember you're trapped in space dressed like happy *kings*, and Frank and I are down here on Earth, free to do whatever we want.

[Frank enters reading TV guide]

TV's Frank:
Hey, Dr. F., there's a Matlock marathon on tonight. You in?

Joel:
[reading the manual to disarm the Isaac Asmov doomsday device] Step One: It will be very enjoyable for you to separate the ocular filter coupling up from the decapacitor which is stout... and yellow sometimes." Crow, you better scan this and give me the instructions.

Crow T. Robot:
[scans for about a second] Got it!

Joel:
Oh, brother...

Crow T. Robot:
Ooookaaay. "Most very kindly, find the Lookie Switch which is nice and sitting there with green label which leaves you singing."

Joel:
I *think* I got it...

Crow T. Robot:
Okay, "Carefully disregard and do not do the very wrong thing or much confusion will result"... tell me about it... "with sparks, flowers and loud report on some models." [pause] "Glue Bat-Man to CG detail omitted for clarity"?

Joel:
This is really confusing.

Tom Servo:
Who WROTE this, Charlie Callas?

Crow T. Robot:
Hey, oh! Oh, wait, there's more! It says uhhh... "Clip red wire likes you best with firm hand and glad heart... "

Joel:
Okay, I think that oughtta do it... [it sprays him with silly string]

Crow T. Robot:
"... but first, clip the blue wire. Got you, scrawny man."

Dr. Forrester:
Oh, hello boobie. Say, do you want to make people's heads explode? Sure, we all do.

Mr. Duvall:
I just thought I'd take my morning constitutional...

Tom Servo:
EW! He went on the beach?

Crow:
My hair challenges yours to a fight!

Crow:
I'm Sheriff Pink.

Mike Nelson:
I'm Sheriff Character Actor.

Crow T. Robot:
My God! They've done it! They've done it! They've reached the... side.

Tom Servo:
I'm sorry these two didn't end up together.

Mike Nelson:
They did.

Tom Servo:
Oh, then I'm sorry about that.

Sister Ann:
DRIVE! DRIVE

Crow T. Robot:
Look, I'm already driving, there's no inherent quantity of driving that I can increase! If you want me to go faster, you should say so.

Mike Nelson:
I shouldn't have bought a ride for my living room.

Crow:
I throw my doll at you!

Mike Nelson:
Hey, look, behind Longbone, there's Waldo!

Tom Servo:
Ah, they clear cut a virgin forest so people could make out.

Mike Nelson:
And with that cryptic comment, I'm going to bed.

Crow T. Robot:
It's Edward Scissorhands!

Mike Nelson:
And remember that if you are bitten by a bat, you will convulse and turn into one, it is a scientific fact.

Nuveena:
Well, get bent, you robot-loving turd!

Narrator:
Here was a problem civil defense authorities had never faced, and might never face again.

Crow T. Robot:
How to end the film.

Lord Vultiar:
It seems...

Mike Nelson:
Chilly in here, could you turn down your guy?

Mike Nelson:
New Puffs Plus; with strontium-ninety.

Mike Nelson:
I'm sorry, clearly you're not a psychopath.

Tom Servo:
That's right! Now get out before my dog orders me to shoot the president!

Mike Nelson:
This movie is crediting the entire United States person-by-person!

Tom Servo:
'The Ten Commandments" had a smaller cast than this!

Dr. Forrester:
[on the electric bag pipes] I love it! Look, Larry's cornias are bleeding!

Dr. Forrester:
Sail on, Silver Bird! [injects Lawrence in the butt]

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
D'oh, Jeez!

Dr. Forrester:
Now, instantly the serum races through the bloodstream like a Porsche Targa 911, commandeering each pore, slamming it shut, like the vault at your favorite savings and loan!

Joel:
Hey! Hey, I noticed you moved. You guys must've got kicked out of uh, Gizmonic Institute for shooting us into space like this, I bet.

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
Oh, don't be ridiculous! We moved!

Dr. Forrester:
It's our grand re-opening! Welcome to Deep 13!

Joel:
Deep 13? Wait a minute! That's in the sub-basement of Gizmonic Institute! I had to clean up a flubber spill once there. It's incredibly radioactive!

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
Well, it hasn't affected our brain any.

Dr. Forrester:
We like it here! Now, we're even closer to the atomic pile.

Tom Servo:
You know, I'm at least as tense as I was during "A Very Brady Christmas".

Tom Servo:
Uh, Bob, I'm on fire.

Tom Servo:
The huge, huge, face!

Mike Nelson:
[a character is in a tree] A separate piece... of *crap*!

Manfred:
Mind you, everyone blamed Hargrove.

All:
We blame you, Hargrove.

Mike Nelson:
Some have described me as an ambulatory mound of suet.

Dr. Forrester:
Your movie this week, Joel, is not a science fiction film, but it's perfect for our experiments. It's just bad. Tell 'em, Frank.

TV's Frank:
That's right, it's a diabolical cinematic... It's just bad.

Dr. Forrester:
Yes, remember that bad thing we saw? This is even worse than that! Bad!

TV's Frank:
Yes, that's right. It's bad.

Dr. Forrester:
But it's our kind of bad. It's a good... bad.

TV's Frank:
It's bad.

Dr. Forrester:
It's good for us... Bad for you, Joel!

Crow T. Robot:
'Twas beauty fed the beast.

Tom Servo:
I figure he'll get bored and die, and then I will rule!

Griffin:
Is that the mountain?

Tom Servo:
Let's kill that mountain.

Mike Nelson:
C'mon! Dead people know what's gonna happen here!

Crow:
[sigh] Surprise ending written and conceived by a tube-worm.

Scientist in movie:
The whole mountain is blowing up under us!

Tom Servo:
The model doesn't look to good either.

Tom Servo:
Meanwhile, on a dry model.

Son:
I thought he had more of a personal interest in me because he knew you.

Dad:
Nonsense.

Joel:
He hated you.

Dad:
Harry worked that hard with every man he ever hired.

Crow T. Robot:
He got sent to jail for it.

Yole:
Now that the Golden Fleece is gone, he must officiate.

All:
EWWWWWWW!

Mike Nelson:
We're goin' campin' and you're gonna watch.

Richie Havens-Sounding Guy:
[singing] Sashay sashay through the sarcasm...

Crow:
[sarcastically] Oh, I'm *really* sashaying through the sarcasm.

[during an interminable opening monologue]

Dr. 'Z' Leopold:
It's been a long twenty years.

Tom Servo:
Hell, it's been a long twenty MINUTES.

[reading the list of bands in a movie]

Mike Nelson:
Oh, Deathmask! They played at my parents' anniversary party!

Joel:
What? He kills him by waving a rusty tailpipe at his face?

Mike Nelson:
[looking in book] So these are the catch-phrases I can choose from?

Crow:
Yep. Oh, here's a good one! "Kiss off, slappy!"

Mike Nelson:
Nah, that's not really me. Oh, here's one that oughta get the kids going! "We're all out of toner!"

[pause]

Mike Nelson:
[slightly unsure] Uh, "Don't run on my wet floor?"

[pause]

Mike Nelson:
[very unsure now] "Secretary... please read off the m-minutes from... "

Crow:
Oh, geez...

Tom Servo:
Pathetic! Mike, knock it off!

Mike Nelson:
Oh, Pearl's calling!

Tom Servo:
I said, cut it out, Mike!

Mike Nelson:
No, see, she is! See?

Tom Servo:
Oh, yeah, sorry!

Mike Nelson:
So a scientist gets his information from a minimum wage park services guy?

[after the woman suggests treating Paul's injury with antiseptic]

Paul:
[enthusiastic] We can go back to my place. I've got all kinds of antiseptics there!

Tom Servo:
Dozens, no, *hundreds* of antiseptics!

Woman:
Your place?

Paul:
Yeah.

Mike Nelson:
I call it "Antiseptic Manor."

[a man in a fantasy movie pulls an arrow out of his chest]

Crow T. Robot:
Luckily this is before death was invented.

[a man is sleeping onscreen]

Mike Nelson:
Hey guys, isn't it funny how life imitates art, and I'm like... sleeping right now, too.

[as an ugly man dances onscreen]

Mike Nelson:
Oh, I was trying to get through the movie without thinking about his hips, and now this!

Tom Servo:
Joel, what chance do we have in a world that keeps presenting us with vivid images of hell?

Joel:
Well, there's personal liberty, strength of conviction, those have been known to work. And then there's the time the country rallies together to beat back hell, like the time we as a nation said no to Yahoo Serious.

Crow T. Robot:
I remember that. All of us together, drawn inexplicably to the slobbering mouth of hell, and then suddenly, somehow, by some unknown force, rescued in the nick of time, like Moses and the Israelites.

Tom Servo:
Now who in creation is powerful enough to do that?

Crow T. Robot:
[imitating Goliath] Gee Davey, do you think it was... God?

Crow T. Robot:
Hot merging action!

Joel:
Oh, my goodness, they merged successfully. My heart was in my throat.

Crow T. Robot:
[as character pulls magazines out of a newsstand in the background] Well, let's see - "Rubber Fantasy", "Latex World", "Butt Biters", and "NewsWeek" - that'll do.

Joel:
[the Master confronts Torgo, who has just woken up. There is a long silence]

Joel:
[yells] Do something! God...

Crow T. Robot:
[the demon dog is staring at the camera] Could you hold that one card up? What's it say? Oh, yeah - 'Arf.

Joel:
Well, c'mon, I think this cloak exudes power and manliness. And, hey, look, I got a horrifying hellbeast right here.

[Crow pops up on a leash]

Joel:
It's pretty scary.

Tom Servo:
Well, you just look like Maude with a hellbeast.

Crow T. Robot:
Oh, you mean Estelle Getty?

Joel:
But, Tom, look!

Tom Servo:
C'mon, Joel, the cloak is grand, the workmanship is superb, but a neat caftan doesn't automatically qualify you as the devil's spin doctor.

Joel:
Oh, c'mon, look, it's lined, I got inside pockets, I got a little special one for my Mentos. It's even got a cotton panel...

Crow T. Robot:
Uh, Joel, Tom's right. It's just not working. You're not the evil type.

Joel:
What do you mean?

Crow T. Robot:
Well, for one thing, your face is too friendly, and your eyebrows, they arc gently as opposed to jutting inward, and, well, frankly, Joel. you blush in the most adorable way.

Joel:
This is really embarassing. Oh, great, the Mads are calling.

[during yet another driving scene in manos]

Tom Servo:
So... so I told Gary that I was going on this vacation so he goes "well then I'm going hunting with Jeff next weekend." well that's when we were at Knives and then Lou sang 'Fernando' and then Gary oh he sings so good oh you should meet Jeff some time do you like Barry Manilow songs I know the farmers need rain but when it's damp like this my hair just explodes just ex-PAH-LO-des ooh ooh feeling kinda gassy McNuggets you know they make me so gassy all that grease and all it really helps if you drink eight-ten glasses of water a day did you know that sometimes I drink five sometimes I drink nine just to make up for the other three I didn't drink coffee and diet drinks don't count either you know this is pretty country isn't it you know it's really kind of a blessing in disguise that I didn't get accepted to college you know I'm going to have to revise my twenty-year plan but did I tell you about my 20-year plan okay well okay listen here in year one this is the year when I'm going to take off those extra seven pounds you know that's equal to seven pounds of butter haha so it's like I'm wearing seven pounds of butter ha and well uh oh where was I oh oh yeah so my aunt and uncle here they did celebrate their twentieth anniversary and my uncle wanted to sing 'Sunset Sunrise' and he wanted *me* to sing it and I haven't sung that since Cindy's wedding and well she never thanked me for that... well she's really busy and all.

Joel:
So, it's Manos...

Crow T. Robot:
...the Hands of Fate?

Joel:
Yes.

Tom Servo:
What happened to the bright young Torgo I hired?

Joel:
"Manos: The Hands of Fate" was filmed on location in a vacant lot.

Crow T. Robot:
Joel, this is gonna turn into a snuff film, isn't it?

Joel:
Oh, c'mon, the mads wouldn't do that to us. This is not going to be a snuff film, I guarantee you.

[Watching Torgo walk over to the car]

Joel:
Uh, that's not how you wear your Depends, Torgo.

Crow T. Robot:
Been hittin' the Thighmaster, Torgo?

Joel:
I wish those hands would just... push him over.

Joel:
[watching the women wrestle in the desert in Manos the Hands of Fate] Next, on ESPN - Full-Contact Nightgown Wrestling

Tom Servo:
I'm guessing this is the whole reason this movie was made.

Crow T. Robot:
[when Torgo appears one bit of music keeps playing over and over] Ahh, yes, the haunting Torgo theme.

Dr. Forrester:
Dig this, mes-a-me. Your "average" Joe has never seen a film like today's experiment. Your "average" person on the street has not even begun to conceptualize the horror which is your experiment today, Mr. "Joel Average". I give to you "Manos": the Hands of Fate!

Dr. Forrester:
Uh, hi fellas. Look, I just wanted to let you know, I know this movie's a tough one, and I just wanted to let you know I feel for ya.

TV's Frank:
[off-screen] Doctor, the caramel corn's ready. Do you want it in your Little Mermaid bowl?

Dr. Forrester:
Uh, fine, sure.

[hushed]

Dr. Forrester:
Now, you realize if you tell Frank I've done this, I'll have to kill him. So let's not, okay? 'Nuff said? All righty? Buh-bye.

[a child comes home leading a devil dog]

Crow T. Robot:
It's a devil and it's fun!

Tom Servo:
His names Mephisto, can we keep him?

Joel:
Salutations, imperfect one! I am The Master and you are mysteriously drawn to me! Everything I say you must do right away without having to ask twice. I am evil and mean and unforgiving! In your brokenness, you have failed and now must repent. Bow down now before me! BOW DOWN!

Tom Servo:
Oh, hi Joel.

Joel:
Well, come on, Tom, I was just commanding you to do my will. Besides, look: Come to me for I am the magnet and you are steel!

Tom Servo:
Well, you look like Maude.

Dr. Forrester:
Frank, where is our pizza? It's been two hours since you ordered.

TV's Frank:
Well, I called Togo's Pizza; they were busy, so I ended up having to order from Torgo's Pizza.

Dr. Forrester:
Come in.

Torgo:
[Torgo enters, the music from 'Manos the hands of fate' in the background] LaRgE SaUsAgE AnD MuShRoOm... ThIn CrUsT?

TV's Frank:
That's us.

Torgo:
ThaT's $14.50, pLeaSe.

Dr. Forrester:
Here!

Torgo:
Do... YoU HaVe AnYtHiNg SmAlLeR? I OnLy CaRrY TwEnTy DoLlArS In ChAnGe.

Dr. Forrester:
THat's all I have.

TV's Frank:
I have a twenty.

Dr. Forrester:
Well, why didn't you give him the twenty?

TV's Frank:
I was saving it, you know...

Dr. Forrester:
Would you please give him the twenty?

Torgo:
ThAnK YoU... I'lL GeT YoUr ChAnGe.

Dr. Forrester:
Oh, keep it!

Torgo:
ThAnK YoU VeRy MuCh, SiR... LeT Me JuSt GeT YoUr CoMpLiMeNtArY CrAzY BrEaD...

Dr. Forrester, TV's Frank:
NO! No, no, no, that's okay! That's quite all right.

TV's Frank:
Hey, what about our pop?

Torgo:
I... LeFt It In ThE CaR... I'lL Be RiGhT BaCk.

Dr. Forrester, TV's Frank:
Oh.

Dr. Forrester:
Until next time, Joel. Push the Button, Frank.

TV's Frank:
Say, you know, it's been two hours, but it's still pretty warm.

Torgo:
ThEy AlWaYs Do ThAt.

Margret:
Wants me? What kind of talk is that.

Crow T. Robot:
Why, it's oily, sleazy talk of course.

Tom Servo:
[Seeing Torgo cornering Margret and stroking her hair] When Carnies flirt.

Crow T. Robot:
[Torgo has left the family's bags into the house] I LeFt a piEce of cHeWed uP GuM on yoUr pilLoW.

Tom Servo:
Torgo, you're missing the fight. Put your dress on and get in there.

Joel:
[the women wrestling scene in manos continues] You know, this is the alternate ending to Beaches.

The Master:
If you persist in this foolishness...

Tom Servo:
I'll take your credit cards

Crow T. Robot:
[on Torgo] He's got Earl Campbell thighs.

Torgo:
You cannot stay - the master would not approve.

Tom Servo:
Oh, what *does* the master approve, then?

Master's wife:
Your powers fail you!

Crow T. Robot:
You know what she's *really* saying.

The Master:
Arise my wives...

Tom Servo:
And iron my work shirt!

Crow T. Robot:
[the master leans over and touches a stone] Stephanie bring me in some coffee and a pop tart.

The Master:
Silence!

Joel:
Is golden!

The Master:
Silence!

Joel:
Is golden!

The Master:
You have failed and now you must die!

Joel:
[as Torgo] You can't kill me, I quit!

[the Master advances]

[as Torgo]

Tom Servo:
I'm... going to have to ask... for my last paycheck... right now. Sir.

[the Master advances]

Tom Servo:
What? What? Neh. Uh. What?

Joel:
[the master slowly awakens] I can tell you my bladder's reaching critical mass.

Crow T. Robot:
[to Joel] Kick this butt.

Joel:
Y'know, Torgo wobbles, but he won't fall down.

[Torgo is reaching uncomfortably up Margret's shoulder]

Tom Servo:
[singing] I want a lover with a slow hand...

[shot of a burning torch]

Crow T. Robot:
I'm Tom Bodett, and we'll leave a pyre on for you.

Joel:
Every frame of this movie looks like someone's last known photo.

Margaret:
Why don't we sing a song to pass the time?

Tom Servo:
Let's sing something from Pearl Jam.

Crow T. Robot:
[after ages of driving footage] NO. Now their going back the other way.

Joel:
Let's just pretend we're watching 'Trip to Bountiful.

Margaret:
Why don't we sing a song to help pass the time?

Margaret, Mike, Debbie:
[singing] Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream...

Tom Servo:
Yes, sing, damn it, sing! [MST3K gang join in]

Crow T. Robot:
[as Debbie, on the dog] His heartbeat's irregular!

[Torgo is peeping at Margaret]

Joel:
[to the 'bots] Alright you two, look away, this is nothing for your eyes!

Tom Servo:
Why, is Torgo juggling?

Joel:
Shame on you Dr. Forrester, have you no sense of decency?

Joel:
Well... just in case you forgot, ladies and gentlemen... 'Manos': The Hands of Fate.

[in the instructional short film 'Hired'; the father is slapping at his own head]

Tom Servo:
Gah! Flying elves are back!

Joel:
[when the family's car pulls over next to a razed paddock] Visit beautiful Ground Zero!

Tom Servo:
[the Master grabs Torgo's hand and pulls it towards the fire] Oh, this is gonna be just like in 'The Grifters'!

Tom Servo:
[Torgo's hand bursts into flame and is severed] Only worse.

Joel:
You know... there are certain flaws in this film.

Joel:
[during Masters uncomfortably long laughter scene] I think he has the most musical laugh I've heard.

Torgo:
You led me on, you gave me mixed signals.

Boss:
I remember the first thing Harry drilled into me...

Crow T. Robot:
Was Harry.

TV's Frank:
Uh, guys, I know this is not normal procedure for me to do this, but uh...

Dr. Forrester:
[off-screen] Uh, guys, I know this is not normal procedure for me to do this, but uh...

TV's Frank:
Coming, sir!

[hushed voice]

TV's Frank:
I just wanted to say how really sorry I am about "Manos: the Hands of Fate." I mean, I know it's our job to send you really bad movies, but this time, even I have to admit, we really went too far. I'm really sorry.

[Frank is dressed as an executioner]

Dr. Forrester:
Ah, Joel. A hearty hello to you and yours. Let me say this about today's invention exchange; let them eat chocolate.

TV's Frank:
That's right Joel. Our invention this week is based on one's natural inclination to bite the heads off of chocolate bunnies.

Dr. Forrester:
That's right Frank.

[steps aside to reveal guillotine]

Dr. Forrester:
That's why we've invented the chocolate bunny guillotine. Eliminate the guess work in biting the heads off bunnies. Ready Mr. executioner?

TV's Frank:
Yes my liege.

Dr. Forrester:
[producing a scroll] You have stolen painted eggs in a time of famine. Off with their head Frank.

[Frank cuts the string]

Dr. Forrester:
And no chocolate mess. Well, poopsies?

Tom Servo:
[crying] What about the pardon from Fanny Farmer?

Crow T. Robot:
His only crime was being born delicious!

Crow:
The movie lapped itself.

Joel:
Torgo, you're the laziest man on Mars.

Mike Nelson:
Okay, hold it. Everyone go up a shirt size.

Tom Servo:
[during a short on General Motors] This is a rebuttal to "Roger and Me".

Crow T. Robot:
Whoo, exploding urinal cakes.

Crow T. Robot:
Just because it's futuristic doesn't mean it's practical.

Tom Servo:
Future may not be available as seen. Personal fates may vary. Future not available in Africa, India, or Central and South America.

[watching "Agent for H.A.R.M."]

Adam:
Come on, let's head to the judo range.

Mike Nelson:
The judo *range*?

Mike Nelson:
I really like rice.

Tom Servo:
EXXXXTREMMMMEEEEEEEE RIIIIIIIIIIIIIICEEEEEEEE! Thermonuclearrrrrr protectionnnnn woooooo!

Crow T. Robot:
See, Mike? Isn't rice better when it's extreme?

Crow T. Robot:
Ah, it's the Eastern Europe part of Southern California.

Tom Servo:
A traitorous Frenchman. Who woulda thought?

Crow T. Robot:
Damn you, Shel Silverstein!

Mike Nelson:
I am mighty elderly man!

Mike Nelson:
Starring has beens and never wases.

Crow T. Robot:
With Bob Marley and Prince!

Mike Nelson:
So H.A.R.M. stands for hot and ready, man

Tom Servo:
Meet me at the karate rink later.

Mike Nelson:
She's got fiber optic hair!

Crow T. Robot:
Old guy? There's another old guy here to see you.

Adam:
Well my job is to keep the apple pie on the table and nobody asks me how i do it.

Mike Nelson:
[as doctor] I'll just need an hour to figure out your metaphor.

Tom Servo:
Oh now he's gonna go over and lightly kiss his boss.

Crow T. Robot:
[as Adam] Watch me open the HELL out of this door!

Adam:
I'm aware of that. I'll handle it.

Tom Servo:
I've got my cardigan.

Mike Nelson:
Hang on, my watch wants to talk to you.

Ava:
My uncle gave it to me for protection.

Mike Nelson:
My uncle's Ted Nugent.

Crow T. Robot:
[hearing knocks] Hm, that could be any one of the other two characters.

Pearl Forrester:
You're out of order!

Professor Bobo:
No, you're out of order! [points at judge] You're out of order! The courtroom is out of order! The candy machine by the men's room is out of order!

Tom Servo:
Killed by gluten intolerance

Mike Nelson:
[after actor exited morgue] Boy, it's like a morgue in there.

Doctor:
Adam, he's gone.

Crow T. Robot:
I mean he's there, but he's dead.

Mike Nelson:
Here's the windup... and there's the smarm!

Adam:
We were just saying goodbye.

Crow T. Robot:
With our reproductive organs.

[another H.A.R.M. agent shows up]

Adam:
Who are you?

Agent:
I'm from the Agency...

Mike Nelson:
They want you to *go* somewhere!

Adam:
You bet your nose they'll be back.

Crow T. Robot:
[as Doctor Stephanik] Must I wager my nose that they will be back?

Mike Nelson:
[as Adam's enters Stefanik's ransacked laboratory] This is the room of a man whose niece's boob I just brushed.

Tom Servo:
[Adam examines the pan of goo and a syringe on the table] Heroin and fudge, what could it mean?

Crow T. Robot:
[Adam picks up the syringe and examines it] I don't like shots. They're owie.

Mike Nelson:
[as Adam] I wish I had the slightest idea of what the hell I was doing.

Ava:
Are you coming or do I swim alone?

Crow T. Robot:
Yes and yes

Crow:
[Crow's defense testimony] This thing on? Okay. Hi! I'm Crow T. Robot and I'm here to tell you that Mike Nelson is innocent. Mike Nelson is 200 % f - -ing not guilty. And if you bastards don't goddamn find him innocent, then you can just f - -ing kiss my fat f - -ing ass. And that f - -ing goes for your bulls - - court system, too! Mike, I'm so motherf - -ing sorry I couldn't f - -ing be there for this f - -ing s - -ty really bogus trial, man. But let me goddamn tell ya something, Nelson. If I was there, I'd f - -ing kick everyone's fat stupid motherf - -ing behinds and then cram it up their f - -ing ass. Anyway, Mike, buddy, I hope this s - - helps. Take care, Mike.

Bobo:
[pause] I'm sitting next to a free man!

[Dr. Stefanik looks out the window to see the villains staring back at him]

Crow T. Robot:
Staring at the window for five hours finally paid off.

Mike Nelson:
[What appears to be an entire town is passing the Satellite of Love through space] It's Aaron Spelling's house!

Tom Servo:
Ssh! Don't spook it; it might charge!

Crow:
[the screen shows a view of a girl's rear as she climbs up a ladder in spandex] Hey, you're giving away the plot!

Crow:
That's it. I'm giving in and looking at the breasts.

Model:
As easy as A, B, C.

Mike Nelson:
She formed a sentence.

Crow T. Robot:
It's the TandA Team.

[a 1970's Cadillac station wagon chases a young boy unsuccessfully]

Mike Nelson:
You know, if they turned off the air conditioner, that Caddy could catch him.

Mike Nelson:
You know this was Jim Backus's first film after he died.

Mike Nelson:
Wait! I got more barnyard analogies!

Crow:
We mourn the end of the fight scene.

Tom Servo:
[the girls all do 'Thumbs Up's] Look, it evolved last night! Now it's opposable!

Tom Servo:
When bad things happen to hot people.

Angel:
The turret gun is ready.

Mike Nelson:
The turd gun? Whaddya need one of those for?

Crow T. Robot:
[about his film] Chocolate Jones and the Temple of Funk is guaranteed boffo box office!

Crow T. Robot:
[as girl] She rejected me! I'm gonna go use drugs.

Mike Nelson:
[as girl] I interrupted my perm to come here.

Crow T. Robot:
[as Jim Backus] And here's where we grow dirt.

Crow T. Robot:
[as Jim Backus] And we're thinking of starting a fascist petting zoo!

Crow T. Robot:
[as angels] Are we hot or is it just us?

Angel:
Girls, we've got company.

Crow T. Robot:
Get out the good linen.

Crow T. Robot:
This looks like a job for girl... woman!

Crow:
[while watching "Angels Revenge"] This was Jim Backus' first film after he died.

[on "Angels' Brigade]

Crow T. Robot:
I bet the words "Where's my cocaine?" were heard a lot on this film.

Crow T. Robot:
I'd rather spend a weekend in Robert Bork's underpants than watch more of this.

Dr. Forrester:
Ah! Robinson, Servo, Mr. T. Robot! Our invention this week is inspired by this week's experiment, "Attack of the Giant Leeches". In ye olden times, alchemists believed that leeches served medicinal purposes.

TV's Frank:
So do we!

Dr. Forrester:
Uh, yes um, we found that the common fresh water leech uh, can serve the same purpose as a nicotine patch, and being neither food nor drug, there's no pesky FDA regulation to impede your progress and I can experiment at will. Frank?

TV's Frank:
At your service.

Dr. Forrester:
Our subject, Frank, has been trying to quit smoking for quite some time. He's a three pack-a-day man.

TV's Frank:
No I'm not!

Dr. Forrester:
Yes you are, shut up. Now this leech, we'll call him Patches...

TV's Frank:
Yah!

Dr. Forrester:
When applied to the neck or head area, will suck any desire to smoke out of Frank.

TV's Frank:
No, no, no, no! No! No! No, I'm the sum of my vices! I have my pain, my happiness, my losses, my love! My struggles, my hobbies, my lent! I want to live! I want to live! I want to live! And love! And learn! And live!

Dr. Forrester:
But this won't hurt a bit.

TV's Frank:
Oh, Ok.

Dr. Forrester:
Uh, there you go. Now, Patches, I'm depending on you, ya slug!

TV's Frank:
Say, this is the most action I've ever got.

Dr. Forrester:
Oh sorry, Frank, I left the leech on too long! Well, Frank... Frank?

[to the leech]

Dr. Forrester:
Well, now that you've sucked all the blood out of Frank, what are you gonna do now?

[first lines]

Holo-clown:
Did I show you guys my magical, whimsical squirting flower?

Tom Servo:
[watching a wrestling scene] And everywhere the smell of men enjoying themselves.

Crash Corrigan:
We're being dragged down by some mysterious force.

Joel Robinson:
The plot?

Unga Khan:
Call out the imperial guard!

Crow T. Robot:
And kill the dorky guy! I hate comic relief!

Crow T. Robot:
This looks like the right side of the wrong side of the tracks.

[last lines]

Giant Leech:
Maybe we could do lunch.

Dr. Forrester:
Sure.

Giant Leech:
Think you could pick it up? I'm flat busted. You know, I'd really love to produce you. I have this concept that maybe we could...

[his voice fades as they walk off camera]

[after a particularly dumb attempt at humor in the movie]

Tom Servo:
Joel, I want you to take my head off. Please!

Crow T. Robot:
[over a close-up of an actor resembling Malcolm McDowell] Malcolm McDowell in 'O Yucky Man!'

Dr. Forrester:
Well Joel, as you know many prominent American woodworkers have, well...

TV's Frank:
Died.

Dr. Forrester:
Yes. They're dead. Uh, not meant as a criticism, but, it's true.

TV's Frank:
Which is the basis of our Invention Exchange this week, it's the Router Ouija Board. Sure, any ordinary Ouija board can contact spirits from beyond the grave.

Dr. Forrester:
But with the Router Ouija Board, when you're in contact with the spirit of a dead woodworker...

TV's Frank:
Lost in the horry underworld. Ooh.

Dr. Forrester:
You get woodworking done with the pride and craft unknown in the world of the living. Now Joel, prepare yourself for we are in contact with someone or something known as Ethan Allen.

Crow T. Robot:
[as a National Guard just being attacked by a giant cricket] One weekend a month, my ASS!

[as a giant grasshopper attacks]

Tom Servo:
[evilly] When you wish upon a star! Hahaha!

Mike Nelson:
We've got to get organized. We should not be losing to grasshoppers, people.

Scientist in movie:
You know I'm not given to hysteria and you got to listen to me.

Tom Servo:
[hysterically] Ahtheresabunchofgiantcricketsandwereallgonnadie!

Scientist in movie:
We've been plagued by locusts since biblical times.

Mike Nelson:
You're not funny!

Crow T. Robot:
I'm Peter Graves.

Dr. Forrester:
Enough of your touchy-feely crap, Nelson! Today's movie really gets going about two minutes before the closing credits. It's another Bert I. Gordon pain parade called "The Beginning of the End". And I hope you have health insurance.

Crow T. Robot:
Gladys, quit bugging the Stephens.

[Frank Johnson attacked by a grasshopper]

Mike Nelson:
He's signing "Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

Dr. Forrester:
Hello Murray, automata. Say, what's the most popular form of exercise this month, hm? HMM? Well, that's right - the recumbent bike! As I see it, recumbent creators were afraid to make it *too* comfortable. Well, I'M not afraid! TADAH!

[He reveals a bicycle basically equipped with a bed]

Dr. Forrester:
The ReComfy Bike!

[Frank enters wearing pyjamas and a bike helmet]

TV's Frank:
Dr. F, could you tuck me in before my ride?

Dr. Forrester:
Of course, Franklin, there you go. Check out the reading lamp, nightstand and goose-down comforter. Of course, we might have to ditch the wheels and the pedals to make room for the ice machine and expresso bar, but...

TV's Frank:
Uh, Dr. F, I can't get it to go.

Dr. Forrester:
Well, try harder you LOAD!

TV's Frank:
Well, there's kind of a lot of stuff here.

Dr. Forrester:
[in whiny voice] Oh, there's kind of a lot of stuff here. Nappy time, don't you think, Frank?

[forcefully tucks Frank in]

Dr. Forrester:
Back up to you, Margot.

Mike Nelson:
Wow. What movie is this. nothing's happening. I think maybe we should call the Mads, what do you think?

Tom Servo:
Well, I guess I wouldn't advise it.

Crow T. Robot:
Yeah, why get them involved.

Mike Nelson:
I mean I think we should just call the Mads.

Dr. Forrester:
[Forrester is excercising and singing] Frank, I could not stop picking at that pan of lemon bars. I ate half the pan. You're so lucky, you could eat anything and not worry.

TV's Frank:
[Frank enters wearing a bathrobe and has his face covered with a beauty mask, eating ice cream, and reading a TV Guide] Oh, I would give anything to have that complexion of yours. Hey, wow! "Vicki" is on!

[Mike and the bots look shocked]

Dr. Forrester:
You know, Frank. This is exactly what I wanted to do today. Just have the whole day to ourselves.

TV's Frank:
I'm declaring this "National Our Day." Please, do not let me eat all of this.

Dr. Forrester:
Well I shouldn't.

[Looks up and notices Mike and bots are watching, then runs back to the couch]

Dr. Forrester:
Oh my god, Frank switch on a game, switch on a game!

[Crow and Tom looking open mouthed in horror. Crow's mouth is so wide that Mike closes it up]

Mike Nelson:
So, I guess we can call the Mads. You know what. I don't think we should do that again. We'll be right back.

Helicopter Pilot:
Until further notice...

Tom Servo:
I'm Paul Frees.

Singer:
[singing] Sashay sashay through the sarcasm...

Crow T. Robot:
[sarcastically] Oh, I'm really sashaying through the sarcasm.

Dr. Leopold:
[during an interminable opening monologue] It's been a long twenty years.

Tom Servo:
It's been a long twenty MINUTES.

Dr. Leopold:
Sargassum. The weed of deciet.

Crow T. Robot:
That's what I smoke!

Tom Servo:
Mike, how come you don't look like this in your jumpsuit?

Crow T. Robot:
Are you sure you're buying the right KIND of jumpsuit?

Tom Servo:
Mike, what happened to the naked lady?

Mike Nelson:
There is no naked lady.

Tom Servo:
EXACTLY my point!

Mike Nelson:
[as the sheriff] You know, it's hard to keep my chunky torso balanced on my chicken legs.

Tom Servo:
[Speaking for Dr. Leopold as he adjusts various pieces of scientific equipment] I really must simplify my masturbation rituals

Crow T. Robot:
[Mike tries to dislodge Crow from the roof beams] Ahh, my friend the squeegee: I love you!

Mike Nelson:
[watching a fish expel gas from its' rear] Please enjoy a fish anus.

Crow T. Robot:
[the Doctor starts to pull off his shorts] Aargh! I'd rather see Sammo Hung wearing a Speedo!

Narrator:
Everything seems to be growing. When George arrived at the farm the corn was knee-high. Now it's taller than he is.

Tom Servo:
George is clearly shrinking.

Tom Servo:
Thank you very much for showing up. I'd like to welcome you all to our MURDER... MYSTERY... DINNER PARTY!

Crow T. Robot:
I did it!

Tom Servo, Gypsy, Mike Nelson:
Crow!

[a boy is shown eating a sandwich]

Tom Servo:
Mmm, good, white, hearty white bread for white, white people!

Crow T. Robot:
You know, it'd be ironic if the Tree of Death got Dutch Elm's Disease.

Tom Servo:
Yeah, the Stump of Death just doesn't have the same ring to it.

[while watching "Uncle Jim's Dairy Farm"]

Narrator:
Everything seems to be growing. When George arrived at the farm the corn was knee-high. Now it's taller than he is.

Tom Servo:
George is clearly shrinking.

Crow T. Robot:
They could use their eyeliner to fashion a crude spear...

Tom Servo:
And so, the completely pointless stretch of movie whimpers out like a small, dying RAT.

[regarding the Boggy Creek creatures]

Doc:
[narrating] Although they appear to be docile and have never intentionally harmed anyone...

Tom Servo:
[as Doc] They do anyway.

[upon seeing the film's title]

Tom Servo:
And the legend continues... to be not heard about, by anyone.

Doc:
It is from this tributary that the creature got its name.

Mike Nelson:
It's name is Tributary?

Doc:
The believability of the sightings along Boggy Creek are rated very high.

Crow T. Robot:
By J.D. Power.

Tom Servo:
[as fans] They took our advice and started winning!

Crow T. Robot:
So these three are all majoring in Boggy Creek studies?

Mike Nelson:
[Mike and Bots see the creature] Ted Nugent?

Crow T. Robot:
Slash?

Tom Servo:
Rob Zombie?

Mike Nelson:
Cher?

Tom Servo:
Yeah, Cher.

Tom Servo:
[referring to movie title] Hey Legend, how's the continuing goin'?

Tom Servo:
Hey! There's a point-of-view monster heading right toward them!

[the monster is approaching]

Doc:
I don't want to alarm anyone, but...

Crow T. Robot:
RUN!

Doc:
One of the things Trooper Williams failed to mention was the foul odor the creature emitted, which was still present in the surrounding area.

Mike Nelson:
[as Doc Lockhart] In fact, everywhere we went there was a foul odor. He must have *just been* every place we looked!

Mike Nelson:
[as Doc scampers back to the camp] Okay, knees bent, butt protruded, stomach all pooched out... good.

Mike Nelson:
Want this on your Klan account?

Mike Nelson:
Wanna contribute to our fund for the war against northern aggression?

Crow T. Robot:
So *that's* money... Usually we get paid in possum hides.

Joel Robinson:
And they had the same front room as Bewitched.

Joel Robinson:
It's an American in Cleveland.

[Tom's dressed as a candy-striper]

Tom Servo:
Joel, this nurse's outfit makes me very self-conscious and embarrassed - and yet, I don't seem to mind.

Dr. Eric Vornoff:
[on Lobo] Don't worry, he's as gentle as a kitten.

Tom Servo:
Yeah, a big, bald, deranged kitten that could snap your neck like celery.

[upon seeing the title of the short 'Hired']

Joel:
Hey, isn't that the John Belushi biography?

Crow T. Robot:
That's not something you heard much during the Bush administration.

Tom Servo:
The sequel is 'Hired 2: Laid Off.'

Capt. Robbins:
You men surround the house!

Crow T. Robot:
All two of you!

Tom Servo:
Oh, Creepy. Lyle Wagner's a total jerk, second only to Tommy Kirk. Could you find it in your heart to love a 'Bot like me-e-e? That fishy story you tell always makes me sleepy, but that's just what I get for dating a girl that's cre-e-epy. My Creepy Girl! Oh, C is for the uncertainty of not quite knowing what ethnic group you're from. R is for the gifts you give me every time you smile. The first E is for, uh... well I don't really know, but the second E is really a grammatical thing, otherwise it would be "Crepy Girl," and where would that leave us? The P is definitely not for platonic, and Y? Because I love you! My-y Creepy Girl! Oh, what are you, Creepy Girl? Are you French, Italian, or one of those swarthy Gypsy-types? Hehe. Well, your accent suggests a Romance language, but I can't be sure. Well we can definitely rule out a Germanic language, but it's okay! I'm a 'Bot without a country. All I know is that I love you. I want to shout it from the mountaintops! Uh, but... I'd have to get back down to Earth and actually climb a mountain. Or they could drop me off on a mountain. I don't care! That would be okay! Because I just... need... you! My-y Creepy Girl! Won't you be mi-i-ine? I'll give you scrolls and fish and tinker-toys and wi-i-ine. I'll ditch these guys, if you'll be my Cre-e-epy Girl! Be mi-ine before Mo-ovie Si-i-ign! Woah-ho, ooh-hoo...

TV's Frank:
[on Joel's invention] That is so neat! We could base a whole party around that. We could all get in our fuzzy beanie pajamas and jump up and down on the bed.

Dr. Forrester:
Look, the only party we're going to is the one where we dance on your grave.

TV's Frank:
Oh, will I be invited?

Dr. Forrester:
You'll be the guest of honor!

TV's Frank:
Oh.

Dr. Forrester:
Now you tell them about the movie. I gotta to get out of this thing; I'm chafing like a bear.

TV's Frank:
Well Joel, this week's movie is called Catalina Caper and it is... delightful. It's a veritable feel-good movie, a light-hearted romp, a triumph of the human spirit! Thank you, Tommy Kirk, for making us laugh about love... again. And it's got a great theme song. You're gonna love it! Never ever, ever...

TV's Frank:
Frank! Incoming!

TV's Frank:
...steal anything wet! Never steal anything wet! Eeeyukaaeeee!

Tom Servo:
Okay, look! It's bad enough that this was clearly the worst film you have ever sent us, but it has continuity problems to boot! My colleague Crow will illustrate!

Crow T. Robot:
I'll what?

Tom Servo:
You'll show 'em.

Crow T. Robot:
Oh, right. Okay uh, frame 12247, Cambot bring that up. A pan of a field, yet clearly seen in the back, somebody's been a four-wheelin'! Okay, next frame please... 2162503... Forgiving the fact that Ator is flying a hang-glider... he's doing it OVER A MODERN CITY! Okay, now the peace de resistance, Cambot. 202043, during the raping and pillaging, a prehistoric caveman can be clearly seen waring a pair of Ray Bans! Who's that behind the Foster Grants? IT'S OG!

Joel:
Yeah, and what about Scarecrow's brain?

Crow T. Robot:
Huh?

Dr. Forrester, Frank:
What do you want from us? We're evil! EVIL!

Frank:
Yup, I guess you could say we're cut from a different cloth.

Dr. Forrester:
Exactly, Frank. Push the Button.

Frank:
Yup, guess you could say we're more evil than a three-dollar bill.

Dr. Forrester:
Push the Button, Frank.

Frank:
Guess you could say the factory's still open, but we're making different stuff now.

Dr. Forrester:
Would you just push the button?

Frank:
I'll just push the Button. Guess you could say we're buying it wholesale and passing the savings on to you.

Crow T. Robot:
Oh, he's been gonged.

Crow T. Robot:
I think your cape is faaaabulouuuus!

Joel:
How much Keefe is in this movie anyway?

Tom Servo:
Miles O' Keefe.

Ator:
I don't understand!

Crow T. Robot:
We're not surprised.

Joel:
[Ator and Co. are under attack from invisible enemies] Oh I don't believe it, they were too cheap to hire villains!

Crow T. Robot:
[as Ator's background is explained via an exceptionally detailed flashback] This is the part of the film we like to call, 'she had to ask.'

Joel:
Uh-oh. The fog's starting to obscure the action.

Crow T. Robot:
What action?

Joel:
[explaining his invention, a literal smoking jacket] Everyone loves tar, sure, who doesn't?

Tom Servo:
Um, folks, we have snakes growling.

Joel:
Wait, why is she limping?

Crow T. Robot:
Uh, because she's got an arrow in her chest.

Joel:
Oh I can see... huh?

Crow T. Robot:
[Ator's history is being told, complete with many random psuedomythic-sounding objects] Jeez, Tolkien couldn't follow this plot.

Joel:
[During a close-up on Ator] It's the Wangooooo zee Tangoooooo!

[repeated line]

Tom Servo:
Stately Wayne Manor.

Tom Servo:
Stately Wayne Manor...

Crow T. Robot:
What's a Wayne Manor?

Joel:
Oh that's where Batman lived before he became the Dark Knight in those comic books.

Tom Servo:
They're not comic books, they're *graphic novels*.

Crow T. Robot:
[referring to the snappy dressed Lord] I'm de best lookin' man in de middle ages! My! My! My!

Tom Servo:
[Ator flies off a cliff on a handglider] Oh, come ON!

Crow T. Robot:
What the... [laughs]

Tom Servo:
This is a little ridiculous. Okay, so he kills a deer, tans the hide, builds some adealized aluminum frames, learns how to extrude, all in about five minutes, huh?

Crow T. Robot:
Hello. Good day. Happy to see you. I, Crow T. Robot, have penned a little ditty in honor of the star of today's experiement, Kim Cattrall. It's call "Oh, Kim Cattrall" by Crow T. Robot, sung by Crow T. Robot. It's marked allegro con brio, K?chel listing 643.

[singing]

Crow T. Robot:
Kim Cattrall, Kim Cattrall, Kim Kim Kim Kim Kim Cattrall. You were in "Mannequin", and that was a really good movie Kim Cattrall, Kim Cattrall, Kim Cattrall, Kim Caaaattraaaaa-halll! Kim Cattrall, Kim Cattrall, Kim Cattrall, Kim Cattrall, Kim Cattrall, Kim Cattrall, Kim Kim Kim Cattrall. You've never made a bad film. Oh, What the hell, ring my bell. Let's go to The Dells. Our relationship will gel. I like your smell, you're really swell.

[as Charlton Heston]

Crow T. Robot:
I'm Charlton Heston for Con-Tel. I love you, Kiiiiiiiim...

[slyly]

Crow T. Robot:
I liked your dress at the Ace awards- Caaaattraaaaaaaall

TV's Frank:
Stuffing instead of potatoes? Honey, I love you!

Dr. Clayton Forrester:
Meat is murder, Frank.

TV's Frank:
It's none other than British pop star, Morrissey!... He's a little depressed. [to Morrissey] So Morrissey, uh, how ya' doin'?

Morrissey:
He hurt me with that remark. Did I mention that I cried?

TV's Frank:
Well, I mean, c'mon Morrissey. We're basically evil, granted, but a lot of what we say is just good-natured ribbing.

Morrissey:
Well, it hurt me. Did I mention that I cried?

Dr. Clayton Forrester:
Morrissey's going to honor us with a song, aren't you Morrissey?

Morrissey:
This is a song that I wrote in a time in my life when I was very, very, very sad. Breakfast, actually. It's called "Hairdresser in a Coma": I cried last night, I died a million deaths. Thinking of your sweet face, and the way you sing. I cried inside, we lied and died. And then I cried again. I must have weep for hours... [Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank lock him in a tupperware coffin]

Joel Robinson:
Hey I found Ed Begley Jr.! Can I keep 'im?

Albert:
The kids had banded together. Survived by scavenging and foraging in the streets.

Tom Servo:
After the robot holocaust.

Tom Servo:
[seeing "Writers" in the credits] Hey look! Apparently they're trying to pass this off as being WRITTEN.

Crow T. Robot:
You're really stupid if you get by a car AFTER the apocalypse.

Joel Robinson:
[sees copyright information on screen] Aw darn, it's copyrighted.

Lee:
Hey, it'll be like the old days.

Tom Servo:
Yeah, back when movies had plots.

Mick:
Helen, I can sympathize with your feelings.

Tom Servo:
But you're contractually obligated to finish this film.

Mick:
Progress...

Crow T. Robot:
Is what my career lacks.

Tom Servo:
She just has those glasses so she can pull 'em off dramatically.

Tom Servo:
Bullet-proof Vespa! In color.

Joel Robinson:
It's like he wants to order a pizza... but doesn't dare.

Crow T. Robot:
Now back to Code Name: Diamond Head, starring... that one guy.

Mike Nelson:
Tonight, on "Generic TV Movie!"

Mike Nelson:
Damn it, security guard, this is NOT YOUR PERSONAL WAR!

Crow T. Robot:
[as Sidney casually gets into his car to chase after Sonny] You see, it doesn't matter how slow I go, I'll catch him. My son's the editor.

[the characters have vaguely foreign accents]

Crow T. Robot:
What country does this take place in?

Mike Nelson:
Europe.

Mike Nelson:
This movie has the tone of an "Incredible Hulk" episode.

Tom Servo:
Well, I'll say one thing about that movie: it was really, really bad.

Crow T. Robot:
Bart Fargo is... Hard to Watch!

Crow T. Robot:
By now the death ray is completely forgotten.

Tom Servo:
I have no idea what I'm doing, but I've seen this all on the James Bond movies, so...

[the professor introduces his death ray]

Professor:
The power of this ray is a lot greater than a laser.

Crow T. Robot:
[as Professor] So I haven't just invented that again.

[a hitman who resembles Abe Lincoln is dressed in a gray bellhop uniform]

Mike Nelson:
David Cassidy is Abe Lincoln: Behind Confederate Lines.

Crow T. Robot:
[as Bart Fargo pauses in his sub-machine gun rampage toward the end of the film]

Crow T. Robot:
[as Bart Fargo] I wonder if I took a leak right now if I'd break my momentum.

Crow T. Robot:
[after detecting a slight British accent by the two cast members] Let's see how long these accents last!

Tom Servo:
[after seeing a poorly choreographed sword fight] It was a good idea to film the rehearsal.

Tom Servo:
I put the - beats in - my script and I'm sticking - with them.

Dead Warrior:
Who are you?

Deathstalker:
Smelled your food.

Mike Nelson:
That was the last guy's name!

Tom Servo:
It takes more muscles to be dead than to be alive!

Mike Nelson:
[Breaking into a tomb] Are you guys talking in here? It is bedtime!

[Deathstalker, the smug and loathsome hero, is preparing to leave the people]

Deathstalker:
You once told me it's not easy being a princess.

Crow T. Robot:
[as princess] Sure did. Bye!

Deathstalker:
It's not easy being a hero, either.

Tom Servo:
Never before has an entire medieval city thrown up at the same moment.

[watching Deathstalker break into a castle]

Mike Nelson:
This movie is like playing Doom when there's no monsters or opponents.

[dozens of peasants are fighting to aid Deathstalker]

Crow:
We are still fighting bravely for our vague goal.

Crow:
It's hard to be menacing when you're dressed like Maude.

The Great Vorelli:
[as part of his performance act] Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to suggest to this man that his life is in danger.

Tom Servo:
And then I'll be right back.

The Great Vorelli:
That he may die at any moment.

Crow T. Robot:
[as the Great Vorelli approaches his subject] Your life is in danger and you may die at any moment. *Thank you!*

The Great Vorelli:
Ladies and gentlemen, I am going to suggest to this man that his life is in danger, that he may die at any moment.

Crow:
Your life is in danger and you may die at many moment. Thank you.

[hypnotizing a man]

The Great Vorelli:
You're about to be executed by a soldier, who will put a single bullet through the back of your head.

Crow:
So you might as well go along with my little act.

The Great Vorelli:
You'll never win, you'll always lose.

Crow:
You're Harold Stassen.

The Great Vorelli:
Hugo, walk to the footlights...

Crow:
Like an Egyptian.

[a woman is being stabbed by a possessed ventroliquist dummy]

Tom Servo:
Mortimer Snerd in "Fatal Attraction".

[seeing the title "Devil Fish"]

Mike Nelson:
Our special tonight is devil fish, with satanic string beans and deep lucifered potatoes.

Tom Servo:
You know, just because you CAN edit doesn't mean you SHOULD.

Mike Nelson:
The director's vision: lots of shots of things.

Crow T. Robot:
At least the poor editing covers up how badly it was shot.

Tom Servo:
It's the movie's way of saying: "You don't need to concern yourself with this!"

[the sheriff shows Dr. Hogan some photographs]

Sheriff:
Maybe there's something in these pictures I'm not seeing.

Mike Nelson:
[as Hogan looking at photos] No, it's just you nude at the forest preserve.

Dr. Bob Hogan:
He'd sit on his mother's head if he had something to gain by it.

Crow T. Robot:
Hot image, Bob.

[Devilfish surfaces while the sheriff is shooting the bouys]

Tom Servo:
Not my baalllooooooooooonnnn!

Pearl Forrester:
Look, Nelson. Move on. I am.

[Pearl pulls the plug on Castle Forrester's observation equipment, severing the comm link]

[last lines of the series]

Mike Nelson:
Who's for rice?

Crow:
Would you sit down? The movie's about to start.

Tom Servo:
Dummy.

Announcer:
WGNJ TV in Milwaukee presents our Saturday afternoon movie, The Crawling Eye.

Tom Servo:
The Crawling Eye- the Marty Feldman story.

Mike Nelson:
Oh Forrest Tucker. He's the guy who makes sure the trees' shirttails are in.

Crow:
This movie looks kind of familiar, doesn't it?

Crow:
Gentlemen, let's begin our film with a ten minute shot of a spinning radish.

[the police shoot at Diabolik]

Crow:
Look, I'm sorry if *you're* offended by my random murders.

[as Diabolik and his girlfriend roll around naked in a pile of money]

Tom Servo:
The young Alan Greenspan.

Diabolik:
[to his girlfriend] You look weathered. Hop in the car.

Crow:
"You look weathered." What a nice thing to say.

Crow:
[about Ginko] He's basically an eyebrow delivery system.

[Valmont opens a trapdoor and drops a man out of his airplane]

Mike Nelson:
Extreme organized crime!

Mike Nelson:
Dr. Phibes is drunk again.

Joel Robinson:
[Eegah begins pawing at Roxy's hair in a manner similar to Torgo's in "Manos"] Oh, no! He's gone to the Torgo school of fondling!

Crow T. Robot:
[as Eegah hears Tim's song in the distance.] I've heard enough. I'll go beat him senseless.

Tom Servo:
[Eegah freaks out from the approaching helicopter] Is that a bell huey? Whoa! Flashbacks kickin' in, Da Nang!

Joel Robinson:
[Eegah breaks into Roxy's home and scopes out the living room] Hey! Check it out! There's an oven in the living room!

Tom Servo:
[as Gladys Kravitz] Abner, I saw a giant!

Dr. Forrester:
Joel, speaking of unattractive human bodies, your movie this week, "Eegah", has got Richard Kiel and not much else.

[on the Malta police]

Mike Nelson:
Stop or we'll surrender.

[during a low-angle shot of Joe Don Baker]

Tom Servo:
Gah! I don't wanna be down here!

Crow:
[seeing Joe Don Baker] His arteries are just looking at each other, shakin' their heads

Crow:
[Joe Don collapses] In the time it takes him to fall the government in Italy changes three times.

Mike Nelson:
[seeing Joe Don Baker as a cowboy] Meatloaf: Texas Ranger.

[as Joe Don Baker "questions" a prostitute]

Tom Servo:
Our hero, a murderous oaf who threatens women with coat hangers.

Crow:
[about Joe Don Baker] A giant baby in a hat.

Crow:
And now, the thick, meaty conclusion of "Final Justice."

[during the film, a character drops a gun and causes it to fire]

Tom Servo:
See, Mike, that's what happened when I shot you that one time, and you'd never believe me!

Mike Nelson:
Well, now I know.

[Joe Don Baker leaves the village after the villagers nursed him back to health]

Mike Nelson:
Well, they hustled him out of the village pretty quick.

Tom Servo:
[as Joe Don] But wait, I'm still sick and wounded.

Crow:
[as villagers] Uh huh. Good-BYE!

Joe Don Baker:
If you wanna catch a pig like Palermo, you go to a pig-sty where he wallows.

Mike Nelson:
Well, you'd know pigs.

[as Joe Don Baker chugs a large glass of milk]

Crow:
His arteries are just looking at each other, shaking their heads.

Crow:
[upon seeing Joe Don Baker's horrible suit] My Mom made me a real cowboy suit!

Crow:
The sun is blotted out as Joe Don Baker approaches.

Tom Servo:
He's got double chins on his eye lids.

Crow:
Wow this movies really drawn me in... to a deep well of despair.

Crow:
Clowns. Terrifying in any country.

Crow T. Robot:
Cy Roth: maker of films and fine candies.

Crow T. Robot:
Stay on the left! On the left! Dickweed!

Tom Servo:
Let's get you right out to the suburbs where it's safe.

Joel Robinson:
What, are they driving to Scotland?

Tom Servo:
Lets all watch it on the speakers.

Astronaut:
It's a code of some sort.

Joel Robinson:
It's from the director, it says... Slow Down.

Tom Servo:
[as Dr. Blair] Allow me to knee you right in the groin.

Tom Servo:
As disgusting pigs, they just weren't that convincing.

Joel Robinson:
[as a tree] How'd ya like it if I picked YOUR apples?

Tom Servo:
If you get near a consonant, let us know.

Crow T. Robot:
Hey, there's traffic in space.

Crow T. Robot:
Breakfast is the most boring meal of the day.

Tom Servo:
Hmmm, you think they should have built the observatory in the bus station?

Tom Servo:
[as Hestia] I give not a crap for thee.

Crow T. Robot:
Go for the women, not the old goat!

Crow T. Robot:
Jupiter: America's dairyland.

Tom Servo:
[as Prof. Stanhope] Uh, better not go in there for a while.

Joel Robinson:
The message is 'Hot, steamin' love; Texas-style.

Joel Robinson:
[as Hestia] Thanks for hurling that gas bomb at me!

Joel Robinson:
I've got a headache this big, and it's got Cy Roth written all over it.

Joel Robinson:
[as Dr. Blair] I'm going to call it Planet Me.

Joel Robinson:
[the Fire Maidens slowly wave goodbye] Goodbye... thanks for the valium...

Tom Servo:
I've asked Joel if he'd raise the level on my sarcasm sequencer.

Joel:
[using screwdriver on back of Tom's dome] That ought to do it.

Tom Servo:
Oh, yes. Oh, while you're at it, why don't you keep digging into my back? A warm, relaxing massage with a screwdriver? Oooooooh, sign me up for that!

Crow:
I think it's working.

Tom Servo:
The great Crow speaks? Oooooooh, let me anoint your beak with scented oils. Membership in the Crow Fan Club? Oh, it's dream come true for me. Ooooh...

Magic Voice:
Commercial sign in fifteen seconds.

Tom Servo:
Commercials? Oh boy, I can't wait. Thirty-second materialistic sound bites that insult our intelligence? Ooooooh, give me more of those!

Joel:
Uh, I'm gonna have to adjust Tom's sarcasm sequencer. We'll be back after that.

Magic Voice:
Commercial sign in 5... 4... 3... 2... commercial sign now.

Tom Servo:
Oh, is the great Joel Robinson going to honor me with his attention? A blessing in disguise? I don't think so! Oh, did a little harder, Joel, I can't feel the pain yet.

Crow:
You've got him uh, set on uh, constant sarcasm, and you're gonna want to have him on random. Pretty much, I think.

Joel:
Uh, duh, no kidding. Yeah, I put him on random sarcasm, so he'll only be sarcastic at the appropriate time. Like uh, when someone mentions, uh, like, uh, Pia Zadora?

Tom Servo:
Well, actually, I think making fun of her has become a clich?. Everybody does it. And you know, in her favor, she was in a John Waters film, you guys.

Joel:
Okay, well, what about... ummm... Dan Quayle?

Tom Servo:
Oh, look, Dan Quayle scares me as much as the next guy, but everybody and their sister has come up with a sarcastic Dan Quayle quip. It's just too easy.

Joel:
I'm not even gonna mention Gallagher, then.

Tom Servo:
Ooooooooooooh, he is my absolute all-time favorite! Oh, paying money to have watermelon sprayed all over you? Oh, give me more of that. Oversized props mixed with undersized talent? Oooooh, put me in the front row. Excuse me, Mr. Shopkeeper? Can I trade in my volume of Annotated Shakespeare for a tape of "Melon Crazy"? Oh, please, may I? Ooooooooooooooooh!

Mike Nelson:
[after a dinosaur has been killed] I came to warn you... an asteroid.

Tom Servo:
[upon seeing one of the actors is named "Robert Z'dar"] Oh, Z'no.

Crow T. Robot:
[during the opening credits] I'm not even going to watch this credit, I'm just going to look away until it's gone.

Sister Ann:
How is it you know English today, but you didn't know English yesterday?

Mike Nelson:
Bad screenwriting, really.

[while observing the lead actor of "Future War"]

Crow:
Hey, it's Jean-Claude Van Damme!

Mike Nelson:
More like Jean-Claude Gosh Darn.

Tom Servo:
Look, the cardboard boxes aren't working, okay? Try throwing a piece of paper or a cotton ball!

Crow T. Robot:
[as the cyborg crashes into the church from above] It's SuperPope!

Tom Servo:
[as the spaceship comes into view on screen] Wait! Another movie started!

Mike Nelson:
[identifies the ship which the front looks much like a dustbuster] Dustbuster Galactica.

Crow T. Robot:
[summarizing the film] Maybe this is an anthology of short, plotless movies.

Mike Nelson:
Battle of the guys who peaked in high school!

[Runaway is surrounded by cardboard boxes]

Crow T. Robot:
He's "boxed" in!

Mike Nelson:
Yeah, well I'm card-"bored".

Sister Ann:
Drive! Drive!

Crow T. Robot:
Look, how much more can I drive? There's no inherent quantity of driving that I can increase! Of course, if you want me to go faster, then you need to tell me that.

[an opening credit says "special appearance by Mel Novak"]

Mike Nelson:
It'd be more special if we knew who the hell he was!

[as Runaway and the cyborg fight]

Crow T. Robot:
This is hard to watch because I care about them both so much.

Mike Nelson:
I care about the boxes. I mean, why should innocent freight have to suffer?

[seeing the name "Andre Scruggs" in the opening credits]

Tom Servo:
Ah, the French country singer.

Crow T. Robot:
Yeah, he's usually paired with Guillaume Tubbs.

Tom Servo:
[referring to the fake boxy-looking spaceship] Meanwhile, the things my stereo came in fly through space!

Crow T. Robot:
[Making fun of one of the obese characters] I'll loan him some flesh.

Crow T. Robot:
[Runaway is making a grunting face surrounded by boxes] Don't come in yet!

Mother Superior:
Keep your eyes open. God always answers prayers...

Crow T. Robot:
But only from Catholics!

[upon seeing one of the actors is named "Robert Z'dar"]

Mike Nelson:
Oh, Z'no.

[the episode opens with Crow in a cryogenic chamber]

Crow T. Robot:
Hi, folks. Welcome to the Satellite of... Love. Say, uh, Tom, what's with the Crow-in-the-box?

Joel:
Oh, I'm just taking Crow's temperature down to absolute zero! Woohoo!

Crow T. Robot:
Tom! If you do that, you'll cease all molecular activity! It could start a chain reaction that could destroy us all!

Joel:
Yeah, that's how it played out in our scenario. Hey, wait a minute! That would be really stupid!

[Joel puts on a pair of thermal gloves and opens the cryogenic chamber]

Crow T. Robot:
Hang on, Crow! Don't worry! I got ya!

[Joel reaches into the chamber and Crow shatters]

Joel:
Good one, Joel!

Crow T. Robot:
Oops. We'll be right back.

Joel:
I'm not putting him back together, either.

Crow T. Robot:
Anyway, a lot of people have recognized that this first Gameron film is in black and white and since there's been so much controversy over Ted Turner colorizing all those classic MGM movies, I thought it'd be time to do a popular opinion survey. Use your phones: call us at 623-7655. And now, Cambot, could you put the messages up on the screen? Or the quiz questions? First quiz question is: Is Ted Turner dumb enough to colorize the beginning of "The Wizard of Oz"?

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
Call in with your answer!

Crow T. Robot:
Right. Question number two: Does it bother Ted Turner that people watch his colorized films on black and white TV?

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
Let us know what you think!

Crow T. Robot:
Question number three: Given Ted's obsession with colorizing things, is it possible he's the unwanted love child of Ike and Tina Turner?

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
Give us a call! Tell us your answer.

Joel Robinson:
Doesn't he kinda look like Godzilla with a backpack on?

Dr. Clayton Forrester:
Your experiment this week, Joel, is the first in the famous Gamera turtle movies. It's a love story about a giant turtle and downtown Tokyo.

Tom Servo:
What's this? Oh, this is the universal unsuspecting drunkard about to have a brush with the supernatural.

Tom Servo:
The captain has turned off the No Dubbing sign. You are free to speak any language you choose.

Crow T. Robot:
[impersonating Gamera who is eyeing Kenny] Those kids at school, they tease you, Kenny, because they've never tasted Hell. Today, we turn the tables.

[Kenny claims that Gamera is good in spite of the destruction he's caused]

Joel Robinson:
What he's done today has been a benefit to all of us.

[Kenny searches for his missing pet turtle Tibby]

Crow T. Robot:
How does he expect Tibby to signal him, light up a flare?

Joel Robinson:
What is it that you hate so much about Kenny?

Crow T. Robot:
Oh, he's a child of priviledge and the whole world revolves around him and stuff and he can walk into a restricted maximum security military situation and they treat him like an adult just because he befriended a stupid old turtle.

Tom Servo:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he never gets into trouble even though his friendship with Gamera is causing the death of *millions*. And he skips school whenever he wants to. And he never so much as gets sent to his room.

Narrator:
The city is off limits to civilians. Not even the press is allowed to enter the area.

Joel Robinson:
Kenny, however, is free to move about.

Tom Servo:
[commenting on Gamera traveling into water] Gamera, honey, don't go out too far. You just ate.

Tom Servo:
Here at Toho Industries, we're working to keep your trust. If we can't freeze Gamera, no one can.

Dr. Hidaka:
Well Catherine, I suggest you forget science and instead really become Alex's inspiration.

Tom Servo:
Ha ha. You can't do both. You're a woman.

Crow T. Robot:
Well, why do you go about stomping on cities and stuff?

Gamera:
Well, it-it's not my fault. Listen, I'm big boned, right? And let's face it, cities discriminate against us big boned types, okay?

Joel Robinson:
Kids go running for the rich taste of Gamera.

Teacher:
The other students make fun of him. They think that he's strange.

Tom Servo:
Kids are perceptive that way.

Tom Servo:
So what's the deal with that boy, Kenny? You guys seem to be such chums.

Gamera:
Kenny. Kenny. Kenny, Kenny. Little Sweet Kenny. The deal with Kenny is he's a good kid, good hearted. Don't get me wrong, but uh... I'm using him, you know? 'Cause, let's face it, he softens up my image. You know, right? Kenny, cause...

Crow T. Robot:
Well, I... Uh.

Gamera:
Well look, I can smash a huge city, take out thousands of people, right? Say a suburb of Osaki - kill ten million - and then, uh, you know with Kenny at my side, I look like Jimmy Stewart in Mr. Smith Goes To Washington. It's great. Let me tell you something about that unconditional love, children. It feels really good.

Pilot:
What is your name? What is your designation?

Crow T. Robot:
Are you known for your work in the theater? [the dark plane fires two missiles out of its back]

Joel Robinson:
Uh, you lost your muffler! [the American plane fires all six of its missiles]

Joel Robinson:
Just a couple. [the dark plane explodes]

Tom Servo:
And that's just a warning!

[A message from a viewer played from an answering machine.]

Caller:
I enjoyed the movie but really hated the constant interruptions that were on there. It was like being in a theater with a bunch of rude Junior High teenagers. I hope you don't continue the program, not in that fashion anyway.

Tom Servo:
[man in white suit and hat is getting off a jeep] Oh, it's Tom Wolfe! Thank God, the contemporary novel is saved!

[Keisuke checks the dead Kawajiri's pockets and finds a photo of a woman and child]

Crow T. Robot:
Hey, that's MY family!

[a boat sails past the camera]

Joel Robinson:
Hey, it's "Funny Girl" and there's Barbara Streisand.

[a second boat sails by]

Crow T. Robot:
McHale!

Dr. Forrester:
You're going to need a collapsible port-o-potty after you ingest this week's cinematic bolus!

TV's Frank:
It's called "Gamera Vs. Guiron" and it is thoroughly indigestible!

Dr. Forrester:
Serve it up, Frank! Open wide, Joel. Eat it, boy, eat it!

TV's Frank:
mmmmm, good lard.

Crow T. Robot:
You mean now now or later now?

Little boys:
Save us, Gamera! Save us!

Tom Servo:
Kill them, Gamera! Kill them!

Florbella:
Tell me. What would you like the most now?

Joel Robinson:
[Speaking as Akio] Well, it involves Jello...

Dr. Forrester:
Hello, Joely-Boy-Toy, is it true what they say about space?

Joel:
Uh, what's that sir?

Dr. Erhardt:
Nobody can hear you laugh?

[a supertanker has just exploded]

Tom Servo:
Oh my God, it's Gordon Lightfoot!

Pearl Forrester:
[wanting to make Brain Guy look like a hunchback] Brain Guy, I want to give you a hump.

Brain Guy:
Well, look, madam, whatever your feelings for me I think...

Pearl Forrester:
On your back, idiot.

Brain Guy:
That's sexual harrassment, and I don't have to take it!

Pearl Forrester:
A latex hump!

Brain Guy:
Now see here!

Pearl Forrester:
[hands him a latex hump for his back] Would you just put this on?

[after a bad edit results in a character suddenly appearing mid-scene]

Tom Servo:
I'm back.

Mike Nelson:
Anybody notice that I'm here now?

Crow T. Robot:
C'mon, I just teleported here, it's impressive.

Tom Servo:
H.R. Puffenstuffs Go-Go dancing!

Singer:
[as a song plays, a greasy cook watches] Everything I touch turns to gold...

Crow T. Robot:
So what happens when you touch gold?

Tom Servo:
Everything I touch turns to flies.

Mike Nelson:
Wolfgang Puck's sad demise.

Crow T. Robot:
I'm having Critter's varment!

Tom Servo:
Let's go back to law school, we're terrible bikers.

Tom Servo:
So long, non acquaintance who inexplicably gave us rides in your dune buggy.

Crow:
I'm having Critter's varment!

[a character pulls a gun out of his pants]

Mike Nelson:
Oh, a gun. So that was the loud report and burning sensation in my groin.

Critter Jones:
You know, Buz, you're like a blind rattlesnake. You hear a noise and you just snap.

Mike Nelson:
[as Buz] Yeah, well, you're like a deaf puff adder!

Tom Servo:
I'm gonna drive backwards and get some of that gas back.

Michelle:
That's the guy with all the words.

Buz Nichols:
That's the guy with all the bread.

Tom Servo:
Words? Bread? Must be Samuel Johnson with a baguette.

Mike Nelson:
Boy, if you're the town drunk of L.A., you've got a problem.

[Blatts hands Buz a garbage can to empty]

Harry Blatts:
Here, this'll give you something to do with those busy hands of yours.

Crow T. Robot:
Gah, what is he implying?

[as Michelle dances in a bikini]

Tom Servo:
Man, I'm glad Oliver Platt didn't get this role.

[a valet takes Buz's keys to park his car]

Tom Servo:
[as valet] Hey, thanks for the car, buddy!

Mike Nelson:
Wow, even the sex and drug industry has a seamier side!

Mike Nelson:
[Buzz and Michelle kiss on screen] Please accept my tongue as an apology.

Mike Nelson:
[Michelle enters after a makeover] Oh, she looks slightly less frumpy.

Chris Howard:
[to Buzz] What's the name of that tune?

Mike Nelson:
I call it 'Lousy'.

Critter Jones:
[to Michelle] Close the door.

Mike Nelson:
And be on the other side of it.

Crow T. Robot:
[Buz applauds Michelle's so-called "dancing" by clapping] Don't! The fryer's hooked up to the clapper!

Tom Servo:
[as Michelle dances and Critter plays his guitar there is a mysterious harmonica sound coming from somewhere which seems to be timed properly with Michelle's waist undulations] Hey, way to play the harmonica with your ass, honey!

[Making up his own lyrics to a musical montage]

Tom Servo:
Oh, Charles Manson walks the streets/The Zodiac Killer's at large/Charles Bukowski is puking out the window/And Santa Claus is on his way. Hey.

[watching a supposedly wild dance sequence]

Crow T. Robot:
Man, if it gets any wilder here, a bridge game is gonna break out.

[a police car drives by the diner window]

Tom Servo:
[imitating an old NYC cabbie] Somebody call for a cab to LaGuardia?

Critter Jones:
You think I'm just a college dropout from the peace corps. Well, I'm much bigger than that.

Mike Nelson:
I'm Adolph Hitler.

Tom Servo:
How do you not get hired as a dancer here?

Mike Nelson:
Hey, my butt is drunk.

Crow T. Robot:
Why does it burn when I P and Q?

Mother Veronica:
Many of our girls are orphans, Mr. Parlow.

Tom Servo:
Can I have one?

Dick Culdane:
It's not prison, Sylvie.

Mike Nelson:
It's just the Catholic church.

Mike Nelson:
Hi. I love you. Are we married now?

Tom Servo:
Mimi sabotages the sisters' seder by planting multiple afikomen.

Jimmy Parlow:
[singing] I'm just a lonely boy...

Mike Nelson:
Why does that not surprise me?

Jimmy Parlow:
[singing] I'd love to hear

Tom Servo:
Somebody clap.

Silver Morgan:
Why don't you gravy pusses get lost before I...

Tom Servo:
What's new gravy-puss? Whoa oh whoa oh whoaaaa oh.

Tom Servo:
Ever heard of the uh Sadie Hawkins dance? This is kind of a KD Lang dance.

Crow T. Robot:
I'm epiphanying like crazy here. I gotta sit down.

Tom Servo:
[as radio DJ] Alright that was Ave Maria goin' out to our lady of perpetual groooovin'.

Mary Lee Morgan:
Remember the night you stood Chip up?

Tom Servo:
He died.

Mary Lee Morgan:
He was real sore when he didn't find ya.

Tom Servo:
And then he died.

Mary Lee Morgan:
Then he asked me to go in your place.

Tom Servo:
And then I killed him and he died.

Mary Lee Morgan:
You always kept saying I was too young to go any place, so I went.

Tom Servo:
And I killed him and he got all dead.

Mary Lee Morgan:
It was fun at first when he kissed me.

Tom Servo:
He wasn't dead then.

Mary Lee Morgan:
But then he...

Tom Servo:
Died.

Mary Lee Morgan:
He started...

Tom Servo:
Being killed by me.

Mary Lee Morgan:
...To get too fresh and I ran away. Chip caught me and tried to throw me on the ground.

Tom Servo:
Right before he got dead

Mary Lee Morgan:
And then...

Tom Servo:
He died.

Mary Lee Morgan:
The rock slipped out from under his feet.

Tom Servo:
And he became killed.

Mary Lee Morgan:
And he fell.

Tom Servo:
He died.

Silver Morgan:
Tijuana?

Tom Servo:
Maybe I could push Herb Alpert over a cliff.

Crow:
You are going to die. Do you know why? Because I am going to kill you!

[first lines]

Joel Robinson:
Hi, welcome to the Satellite of Love. And on today's show we're going to show you how to keep those holiday goiters to a minimum. The secret: ordinary table salt.

[last lines]

Dr. Clayton Forrester:
It's just a game, Frank. Push the button.

Joel Robinson:
Action sequences filmed in Confuse-O-Vision!

Crow T. Robot:
He's got a tree. He's got a tree. This isn't the Godzilla we know.

Joel:
Hertz, don't it?

Tom Servo:
A tree? That's not like you. Why, Godzilla? Why?

General:
Open Fire.

Mike Nelson:
Kill indiscriminately.

Joel:
You guys are making fun of those two twins in the movie and their faith in Mothra, aren't you?

Crow T. Robot:
Oh, no.

Joel:
Well, listen, have a good time. But uh, just be careful when you scoff at a higher being, okay? From one who knows, all right?

Tom Servo:
Uh, huh.

Joel:
Leave it at that.

Crow T. Robot:
Okay. Wow. I learned an important lesson today.

Tom Servo:
Yeah, thank you, Lucas Tanner.

[both laugh, then Mothra appears in the Hexfield]

Tom Servo:
Whoa, it's Mothra! Whoa!

Mothra:
Hi, kids. What can I do for ya?

Crow T. Robot:
Uh, well... Quick, throw it a sweater!

Tom Servo:
Yikes!

Mothra:
Saaay, you kids were just joking around, weren't you? Please don't do that. C'mon, I'm a busy moth. Got things to do, civilizations to save. I don't get much rest, I'll tell you that for free. Last night, these natives kept me up until all hours of the morning with their dancing and carrying on. Ah, sure, good kids, they mean well and all, but - You know, you'd think that between all those modern dance interpretations - which I like, don't get me wrong - they could throw in a peppy Vegas-style show-stopper. But no, I'm their god and protector, so they're always so solemn when they're around me.

Crow T. Robot:
We're really sorry that we disturbed you there, Mothra. Hey, tell us what it's like on Infant Island, will ya? Where do you live? Uh, are you into cacooning?

Mothra:
Funny. No, but I do like to hang around this giant lightbulb the natives built for me.

Crow T. Robot:
Uh, do you really lay eggs?

Mothra:
Let me tell you something, kid. I laid a big egg back when I did the "Thicke of the Night" show. That was a mistake. I've since signed with new management. Say, here's a good one. You know, uh, what the difference is between "Thicke of the Night" and the Titanic?

Tom Servo:
I'll bite... I don't know.

Mothra:
The Titanic had entertainment.

Mike Nelson:
Uh, Mr. Maltin, is "Gorgo" really that bad? I mean, you're not really gonna hurt us, are ya?

Leonard Maltin:
Well, that's a matter of opinion, Mike. Now I actually like "Gorgo," but when we reviewed it for my number 1 best-selling Movie and Video Guide, it put two of my assistant editors into intensive care. So who knows? Besides, Pearl promised me a light lunch at SkyBar.

Mike Nelson:
I think this movie's editing philosophy was "don't stay on anything too long; it doesn't look good enough."

Crow T. Robot:
If they don't let me up to go soon, it *will* be a yellow submarine...

Crow T. Robot:
[Pretending to interpret Morse code] Am... in... Ireland... send real... food

Tom Servo:
The order comes in... *Kill* Willy!

Man:
Shame

Woman:
Is that all you can say?

Man:
Damn shame.

Tom Servo:
That's better!

Joel Robinson:
[a shot lingers on a building accidentally catching two people on horses unmotivated in view] Uh, cue the horses!

Crow T. Robot:
Attica! Attica! Attica!

Crow T. Robot:
This is kind of like "Ride the High Country," except it's not very good.

Tom Servo:
The Pony Express: When it absolutely HAS to be there in three or four months or so.

Hamlet:
to grunt and sweat under a weary life, but that the dread of something after death, The undiscovered country from whose bourn no traveller returns, puzzles the will and makes us rather bear those ills we have than fly to others...

Tom Servo:
SUM UP!

Hamlet:
that we know not of? thus conscience does make cowards of us all; and thus the native hue of resolution is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought, and enterprises of great pith and moment with this regard their currents turn awry, and lose the name of... action.

Mike Nelson:
So - "I'm a chicken for not stabbing myself," that's all you needed to say!

Tom Servo:
[During the end credits of Hamlet] Hamlet will return in "Thunderball".

[Fanfare plays as Queen Gertrude from "Hamlet" drinks poison]

Mike Nelson:
Aha. The Queen's Suicide Fanfare.

[after seeing a German version of "Hamlet"]

Crow:
Well, Mike, this has convinced ME not to kill your Dad and marry your Mom.

Tom Servo:
Well, at least when the Germans are doing this they can't be up to any mischief.

Hamlet:
To be or not to be...

Mike Nelson:
The verbal equivalent of

[hums the opening notes to Beethoven's Fifth Symphony]

[Hamlet collapses into the throne]

Mike Nelson:
Who died and made you king?

Hamlet:
Little more than kin. And less than kind.

Crow:
That's from "Hamlet"!

Hamlet:
That is the question.

Crow:
I'll take "To Be" for fifty, Alex.

Hamlet:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune...

Tom Servo:
Starring Shelly Long and Bette Midler.

Hamlet:
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing, end them.

Mike Nelson:
Ow, my shin's right on the edge of a stair.

Hamlet:
To die... To sleep...

Crow:
That's what we're doing right now, bub.

Hamlet:
No more. And by a sleep to say we end the heartache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to.

Mike Nelson:
Okay, we need a predicate now.

Hamlet:
'Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished.

Crow:
Especially with Ophelia, man!

Hamlet:
To die... To sleep...

Tom Servo:
To SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

Crow:
Whoa! That's an old chestnut.

Hamlet:
[whispering] To sleep...

Tom Servo:
[ditto] to sleeeep...

Hamlet:
Perchance to DREAM!

Crow:
The impossible DREAM!

Tom Servo:
What's worse than clowns? Danish clowns.

Hamlet:
Ay! There's the rub!

Mike Nelson:
I knew I had some rub left!

Hamlet:
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil. There's the respect that makes calamity of such long life. For who would bear the whips and scorns of time, the oppressor's wrongs, the proud man's contumely...

[Mike begins nodding head along with the list]

Hamlet:
...The pangs of despised love, the law's delay... The insolence of office and the spurns that patient merit of the unworthy takes, when he himself his quietus make with a bare bodkin?

Crow:
He said bare bodkin!

[giggles]

Hamlet:
Who would fardels bear...

Mike Nelson:
Fardels.

Laertes:
I'll not be juggled with.

Crow:
I'm not a small sack of beans!

Horatio:
A murder most foul.

Mike Nelson:
He killed a chicken?

Mike Nelson:
Ophelia's trying to Section Eight her way out of the film.

Hamlet:
Here's metal more attractive.

Crow:
You are made of metal, right, Ophelia?

Claudius:
Speak, I go no further...

Mike Nelson:
That's not what *I* hear big boy...

Tom Servo:
[during a showing of Pietro Francisci's "Hercules"] They came across a pack of Trojans in the road.

Joel Robinson:
[watching Hercules ride along] Oh, he took the good tablecloth.

Joel Robinson, Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo:
[watching the rock men close in on Samara] We will, we will rock you.

Tom Servo:
[Hercules uses a giant door to crush enemy soldiers] Call him Stanley, the garage door opener.

Crow T. Robot:
Joel, I hate movies where the men wear shorter skirts that the women.

Tom Servo:
Boy, don't you know it? I can just imagine a common scene from the days of ancient Greece. Oh, hi Hercules, have a seat. Ah, no, no, no!

Tom Servo:
[watching soldiers pound on a locked door] WILMA!

Tom Servo:
Don't make me laugh, Woodsy Owl. Get outta here.

Joel Robinson:
Hey, Herc. James Brolin wants his beard back.

Crow T. Robot:
[singing] The great men of our time have all worn pants. Roosevelt, Churchill, De Gaulle, Gandhi... well almost all of them.

Tom Servo:
Dolphins, one of the smartest mammals on earth. Do they wear pants? No. But they wish they did. That's how smart they are.

Dr. Forrester:
Go ahead and sing, pantywaist. In a moment, you're going to be knee deep in sand. Then, it will be Joel Robinson, RIP.

TV's Frank:
Rest in pants?

Crow T. Robot:
The world is having a maalox moment.

Crow T. Robot:
Why is he wearing oven mitts?

Joel Robinson, Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo:
[singing] Herculeeeees! Herculaaaaa! Herculeeeees! Hercula-ha-ha-ha! Herculeees! Herculaaa! My backpacks filled with pecks!

[repeated line]

Dr. Forrester, TV's Frank:
Deeeeeeeeeep Huuuuuurrrrrrrrting!

Joel Robinson:
[during the horrendously long sandstorm scene] These are the outtakes of "From Here to Eternity."

Tom Servo:
No, Joel. This is just "Eternity".

[as Hercules smugly beats up a bunch of baddies]

Joel Robinson:
[singing] I enjoy being a guy!

TV's Frank:
I am the button!

Dr. Forrester:
Push the button Frank.

TV's Frank:
I *am* the button.

Dr. Forrester:
Prepare yourselves for DEEEEEEEEEEP HUUUURRRTINGGGG!

Crow T. Robot, Joel Robinson, Tom Servo:
Attica! Attica! Attica!

TV's Frank:
Yeah right, whatever. Well Joel, everyone knows that design is the combination of two separate elements. That's why we've taken interior design and meshed it with household pests, and come up with something we like to call... decorator roaches!

Dr. Forrester:
Yes, roaches. Fashions come and go, but roaches are forever. Our Invention Exchange this week is: Swatch Roaches. Now, for you Southwest enthusiasts, we have this little number I like to call La Cucharacha. Hahaha, get it? Of course you do. And for the sports enthusiast in your life we have the 49ers Roach, complete with colors; and over here we have the Peter Max Roach.

Tom Servo:
Gypsy, I weep for you.

Crow T. Robot:
I hope that's not Hercules. Oh no, it is!

Hercules:
I understand, I understand.

Crow T. Robot:
I'm a rational man, I'm a rational man.

Tom Servo:
Meanwhile, in the very same scene...

Tom Servo:
Maybe if they pulled up the anchor, the plot would move a little.

Joel Robinson:
Oh he's a karma chameleon. They come and go.

Tom Servo:
They come and go.

Crow T. Robot:
Oh great, the next Hercules doesn't come 'til 9:47!

Crow T. Robot:
I think the cameraman's falling asleep.

Hylus:
If my father finds me here with a girl

Crow T. Robot:
He'd be surprised.

Guard:
Who goes there? Halt!

Crow T. Robot:
I mean, halt! Who goes there? Sorry, I'm new.

[the film opens with a close-up of Marv]

Mike Nelson:
He has a haunting ugliness.

[the title "High School Big Shot" appears accompanied by a flair of dramatic music]

Crow T. Robot:
Big deal, so the big shot's in band.

Crow:
People and Robots Who've Had to Watch Hobgoblins Crisis Hotline! Hello?

Bobo:
Oh, oh. Yes. Hello. I'm in a deep crisis which is very, very deep. And I need to know that you won't hang up on me like all those other crisis hotlines.

Crow:
Ah, have no fear. I can handle anything! Um, it is related to watching the movie Hobgoblins, right?

Bobo:
Oh, oh, oh! Yes, of course it relates to watching the movie Hobgoblins. That's why I called. Anyway, one day I was watching the movie Hobgoblins one day, when I realized, while watching the movie Hobgoblins, that I was in love with a woman very close to me... A woman not of my species.

Crow:
Uck, uck, uck! That is disgusting! Ew, I need a shower now. Yuck!

Bobo:
Ah! Wait, don't hang up! I need her! Though she can be very mean to me, I'm obsessed with her. I want her in every way. Emotionally, spiritually, physically...

Crow:
Yuck! Stop telling me this, you freak! I'm gonna be sick all over the place!

Tom Servo:
Hang up.

Crow:
Um, I have another call... See ya.

Tom Servo:
Hang up!

Bobo:
No! I'll die without her! She's a chimpanzee and her name is Emily. And I don't care if anyone... Hello? Oh, rats. Another hang-up. Well, let's see who's next on the list. Butterball... Turkey... Hotline.

Crow:
[looking at the short, very fuzzy Hobgoblin] It's a bonsai Bigfoot.

Tom Servo:
Ha, he never asked me about my grandchildren!

Mike Nelson:
Hey! Don't scratch the quaterflash!

Tom Servo:
We are in hell right? I mean now when we meet people, we can tell them we have ACTUALLY been to hell.

Tom Servo:
Can you catch a venereal disease from a movie?

Mike Nelson:
Ah! An hour into the movie, and finally some Hobgoblins.

Crow T. Robot:
Say Mike, give the incredibly depraved attitude regarding women in today's movie, I knew you'd want me to make a short film for boys and young men teaching them how to treat the fairer sex, with a proper and healthy respect. [Mike and Servo are both reading] Uh... Mike! Mike!

Mike Nelson:
Uh, yeah sure.

Crow T. Robot:
So, ah, good, because I went ahead and did it anyway, and hopefully it will help just a little! Let's watch...

Crow T. Robot:
["Let's talk Women" - Crow's short film about women] Aaaah, women. Women, women, women, women, women, women, women. Ha-ha-ha-ha. For you young fellows, fresh on the cusp of a blooming manhood, the questions are bound; what are women like? what do women want? how should I treat a women? Perhaps the thorniest problem facing any young man is finding a woman in the first place! It turns out to be... nealy *impossible!* This reporter spent countless hours searching for a woman, like these pictured here [shows clips of Hobgoblins, with Amy and Daphne in them] to no avail. The nearest we came during a tense stakeout was this fellow [Shows a clip of Mike Nelson biting into a sandwich,] who experts believe, is not a woman. We begin to wonder, where are all the women? The over-heated references in poetry, the images that dominate our media, is it all an elaborate fraud? This grainy photograph is the only direct evidence we have of a woman in her natural environment. [Shows a black and white, Bigfoot-like photo of a large women in a forest] The longer hair, the gentle and nurturing demeanour are typical of how witnesses describe their supposed encounters with women. This footprint [Crow stands beside a clay model of a huge Bigfoot-sized footprint] , while possibly the work of jokesters, is another piece of the puzzle! And it is hard to discount this mans terrifying story! [Crow, wearing a moustahce, and putting on a fake voice, appears on the screen] "Then... uh... this woman - I think it was a woman... she... uh... married me" [Crow ,off-screen, as an interviewer] "Did you have any children, sir?" "I don't remember!" [Back to normal Crow] Some day perhaps, an actual woman will emerge, and they will no longer exist only in the realm of myth and maybe. Thank You. [Video Ends]

Crow T. Robot:
[sighs] Oh yeah, so, anyway Mike, in conclusion, um... in the off chance that you do run into a woman, uh, you know, treat her with respect and stuff.

Mike Nelson:
[Chuckles] Okay, you do know Crow, you do know women though, what about Pearl?

Crow T. Robot:
[Thinking] Okay, so *one* woman exists, that mean *all women exist!

Mike Nelson:
We'll be right back.

Crow T. Robot:
Name me one other woman!

Mike Nelson:
Well, um... [Frowns and thinks]

Mike Nelson:
[as a Hobgoblin drives a golf cart along] Hmmm, a real smooth ride, good steering, I like it.

Crow T. Robot:
[about a Hobgoblin] I went to Michael Spinks' barber, okay!

Tom Servo:
[as Kevin and McCreedy run away from the golf-cart-load of Hobgoblins, they grab a pole] [Imitating McCreedy] Here, try some pole-dancing!

Mike Nelson:
[as background music stops] They ripped out the tape player!

McCreedy:
If you only knew what you just did!

Kevin:
But I don't understand! What just happened?

McCreedy:
The vault... I tried to warn you... those creatures... the vault... I tried...

Crow T. Robot:
Sentence fragments... Just phrases!

McCreedy:
For thirty years I've been trying to prevent this from happening!

Kevin:
T-to prevent *what* from happening?

McCreedy:
Those creatures, why, why do you think I spent the last thirty years of my life here?

Crow T. Robot:
Low SAT's?

McCreedy:
I was keeping them from escaping... I was young when I began to work here, and the studio was busy and prosperous. [the guys start to mock McCreedy, as his voice becomes high-pitched and trembly as he speaks]

Mike Nelson:
Now I sound like Joseph Campbell!

Amy:
[after the rake-fight in the garden] You looked really pathetic!

Crow T. Robot:
Okay, grab a rake, lets go!

Tom Servo:
They made love in their chevy van, and that's NOT alright with me!

Daphne:
Icks-nay on the ogus-nay, okay!

Tom Servo:
What, bite me-ay!

Crow T. Robot:
[about Pixie] Hey, Marge Simpson!

Amy:
I want you to treat me like dirt.

Tom Servo:
Like Phil Dirt?

Tom Servo:
Camaro: The official car of 'peaked in high school'.

Mike Nelson:
[as Kyle, when the hobgoblins attack] There's a girl touching me! Yuck!

Crow T. Robot:
[as McCreedy runs] Buddy Ebsen, triathlete.

Mike Nelson:
[as McCreedy uses the phone] This is Captain Kangaroo. Come in, Mr. Moose.

Kevin:
We've got this friend who's in the army.

Crow T. Robot:
Omar Bradley...?

Crow T. Robot:
[During the fight] So does Hardware Hank have a major defense contract?

Tom Servo:
[as Kevin and Nick begin their fight] Full contact mulching, I guess.

Crow T. Robot:
[as Kevin parks his car] Paint my muscle car prune color, please!

Mike Nelson:
[as Dennis backs onto the stage] Ladies and gentlemen, Flatbutt.

Mike Nelson:
[singing] It's the '80's! Do a lot of coke and vote for Ronald Reagan!

Tom Servo:
Meet the hobgoblins; Franky, Sniffles, Bounce-Bounce and The Claw!

Crow T. Robot:
[Daphne, Amy and Kyle dance] Ah, they're having an all girls night!

Daphne:
See you guys later!

Mike Nelson:
Okay, Olive Oyl!

Daphne:
That's weird!

Crow T. Robot:
I'm not having sex right now!

Tom Servo:
[about Daphne] Ha, she looks like Michael Bolton!

Crow T. Robot:
[about Daphne] It's a praying mantis in a party dress! Oh no, it's her, sorry...

Tom Servo:
[about Daphne] When threatened she gains the strength of a thousand trollops!

Mike Nelson:
[Daphne enters the room, her clothes a mess] After my date with Prince I went right home!

Crow T. Robot:
[Daphne and Amy get attacked by Hobgoblins] Someone's rubbing puppets on us!

Mike Nelson:
He's really my mentor. He showed me how to truly love a woman from across the street, through a telescope.

Crow T. Robot:
Aah, badly lit warehouse, I feel better already!

Mike Nelson:
[as McCreedy walks across the screen] Huh, what, has he got pringles in his shoes?

Tom Servo:
Proof that janitors walk upright!

McCreedy:
Dennis! Dennis!

Mike Nelson:
I wanna play tennis!

McCreedy:
[McCreedy and Dennis, two security workers are talking] Come on, it's time for our rounds.

Mike Nelson:
Oh, so they're doctors! Mmm, uh-huh, yeah okay.

Tom Servo:
[about McCreedy] He's the abusive grandfather I never had!

Mike Nelson:
[film cuts to a very wide shot] Ha, the cameraman just can't get up the energy to get over there.

Crow T. Robot:
[Impersonating McCreedy] And here's my secret stash of Cheetos, Dr. Pepper and back issues of Cosmo

Tom Servo:
Jimmy Stewart and Rex Smith in 'Breaking In'!

Tom Servo:
[the opening credits start] Hey the end credits, horrible movie but at least it's short!

Mike Nelson:
No these are the beginning credits.

Tom Servo:
Oh well, then kill me please!

Road Rash:
My bike's right outside

Mike Nelson:
Yeah, it's a ten speed

Daphne:
[to Wang Chung's 'Everybody Have Fun Tonight'] Everybody have sex tonight!

Tom Servo:
Everybody throw up tonight!

Crow:
Ironically no-one in the band Wang Chung had sex that night!

Mike Nelson:
[Nick and Kevin fight in the garden, with rakes] Wow the suspense is killing me. Will they water their lawn?

Tom Servo:
Mike if I run out of vomit can I borrow some of yours?

Crow:
[as Kevin is being attacked by a hobgoblin] Really, the worst that would happen is one of those little plastic eyes would fall out and you'd choke on it.

Crow:
[after Kevin flips over the lowlife] Now, come on, that move really requires the cooperation of the flip-ee.

Tom Servo:
[Describing Fantazia] She's the kind of girl you bring home to meet Mother, if Mother's a cigaretty retired hooker.

Dennis:
Yoo hoo! Mr. McCreedy!

Tom Servo:
I need another 'Yoo-Hoo!'

Crow:
She's made her decision and they're going ahead with the sex!

Crow:
Slutting's fun, isn't it?

Crow:
Hey, it's a common man with his common van.

Mike Nelson:
Oh, big man, you strangled a plush toy!

Crow:
[as Kevin arrives at his house] Ah-hah! And what brisk witticism will this chappie have to offer?

Mike Nelson:
The Army was looking for sharp people, and Nick qualified.

Daphne:
[During the long, infamous rake-fight] Go, Nick, kick his butt!

Mike Nelson:
Yeah, give him a big, rusty gash in his head, c'mon!

Crow:
Can we have a law that in the future, films have to be made by filmmakers?

Tom Servo:
[about Daphne] Is that a condom she has hanging from her blouse?

Daphne:
I'm getting so sweaty already!

Mike Nelson:
So we sent our armies to the Gulf War with garden shovels and grass rollers?

Crow:
Their garden tools make little Casio sounds!

Daphne:
Yeah, go for it!

Tom Servo:
Yeah, really, really kill him! Please!

Mike Nelson:
You know, I'd switch to the weed whacker at this point.

Crow:
Throw some Miracle-Gro in his eyes!

Tom Servo:
[Impersonating Nick] I'm gonna compost you, man...

Mike Nelson:
[yawns] All the tension. Will they water their lawn?

Tom Servo:
...wow...

Crow:
...ever?... I'll bet Nick can also field strip his rake blindfolded.

Tom Servo:
This movie's making me nostalgic for the film 'Gymkata.'

Mike Nelson:
Oh, it just happened, did you see that? The hose out-acted them.

Crow:
Yeah... Yeah I saw! Did you know that Nick went on to play... Pong in his underwear while drinking beer?

Tom Servo:
Hey, hooray! You ruptured his spleen, yay!

Mike Nelson:
Now, I'm gonna remove your thatch.

Tom Servo:
[Impersonating Kyle] Don't let them hurt my red shorts, please.

Tom Servo:
Wow, yeah.

Mike Nelson:
I could watch this forever.

Tom Servo:
Yeah.

Mike Nelson:
Do you have a feeling I probably will be?

Crow:
Oh, Nick's in the French Army, I see.

Tom Servo:
I don't need to see every part of the human anatomy outlined in spandex. I can trust it's all there!

Mike Nelson:
[Daphne is waiting outside for Nick] Anybody out here will do, really...

Mike Nelson:
[about Kyle's clothes] Pee-wee Herman, casual wear.

Crow T. Robot:
Just as long as Demi Moore doesn't come out and start shaking her saline bags.

Amy:
I want you to show everyone that I'm not wearing any underwear!

Crow T. Robot:
What, you mean *under* your underwear!

Pearl Forrester:
Mike, Servo, Art, I took away the couch and brought it back down here. You are all old enough to be taking some responsibility for some of our things [In the background Brain Guy and Bobo start jumping on the couch] Couches do not grow on trees!

Bobo:
Hey can I have some of you grape juice?

Brain Guy:
Sure, if I can have some of that seal coating!

Pearl Forrester:
There was a nice settee I was thinking of sending up there, there was a particular office chair I know you would have enjoyed, Crow, but I don't know if I can ever trust you with any home furnishings ever again... Bobo, Brain Guy, who wants candy?

Bobo:
Oh I do, I do!

Brain Guy:
Me, me!

Pearl Forrester:
[Pearl hands them a bomb each] I don't mean to yell... [Pearl places cotton wool in her ears, and two explosions occurs off-screen]... I just really want everyone to stay off the couch.

Tom Servo:
Well, I'm sorry Mike.

Mike Nelson:
Well there, you just did it again.

Tom Servo:
What! Oh, gah, gee!

Mike Nelson:
Hi everyone and welcome to the Satellite Of Love, Servo and I were just talking...

Tom Servo:
- look, I didn't mean to turn you on, and I'm really sorry!

Mike Nelson:
Uh, well, you know, ever since Robert Palmer introduced the concept of accidental turn-ons, in his song 'I didn't mean to turn you on' well, there's been a lot of involuntery on-turning around here.

Crow:
Hey there guys, whats up?

Tom Servo:
Gah, Crow!

Crow:
Ohh, I'm sorry, did I turn you on again?

Tom Servo:
Yes, you know you did!

Crow:
Oh, I am sorry, I tried not to turn you on, but I guess I unintentionally did.

Mike Nelson:
You know, lets all try to be a little more careful about turning each other on, okay. And you folks at home, be a little more careful, don't involunterily turn anyone on, okay, we'll be right back.

Tom Servo:
Ah, Oh Mike!

Crow:
Mike, Geez, Gah!

Mike Nelson:
Did I turn you on? I didn't mean to, look at me, how did I turn you on, I'm just standing here, how did I turn you on?

Crow:
[sighs] Now, now, there, there, you did so mean to turn me on that time!

Tom Servo:
[sighs] Okay, I admit it, I turned you on on purpose, o-kaay, cause I was upset and I turned you on, so biiiig deal!

Mike Nelson:
Well now you just turned me on, can't you do anything without turning people on? It's just... I can't

Tom Servo:
Oh that's nice, coming from you, after you turned me...

Pearl Forrester:
Yooou couldn't turn me on if you had a dozen naked Gerato's and Fabio in tight leather pants. [Goes all breathless and looks turned on] Ah ah, aaah, um... where-where was I? Oh, right, I'm remodeling the Great Hall, I'm putting in a conversation pit and the couch I had picked out for it came in early, so I need you guys to store it for me. Brain Guy!

Brain Guy:
Yes Madam. [Teleports couch to Mike and the 'bots]

Pearl Forrester:
And no jumping on the couch! [Cuts to Mike and the bots jumping on the couch]

Crow:
Weeeeeeee! Weeeeeee, watch you guys I'm gonna do something cool. You can see my legs, you can see my legs!

Tom Servo:
Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Thanks Grandma Pearl! [Laughs]

Mike Nelson:
Weeeeeeeeeeeee! Woo Hoo! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! [Laughs]

Pearl Forrester:
Grandma Pearl does not want you jumping on that couch! Get off, right now! Don't, don't squeeze those juice boxes on that couch! [Cuts to the guys jumping, laughing and squeezing juice all over the couch]

Pearl Forrester:
Oh, we can't have nice things! That's it, that is it! I am going to give you such a movie!

Crow:
Crow, Servo and Mike, together: We don't care!

Pearl Forrester:
Bobo. Brain Guy. Get the movie.

Brain Guy:
Huh, no! [Bobo shrieks] [the guys stop laughing and look scared]

Pearl Forrester:
[Putting gloves on] We have ways of dealing with ne'er-do-wells, who insist on jumping on our rent-to-own couches. Your movie... [Bobo runs up the the camera and shrieks again]... is called... [Removes a film reel from a chest]... Hobgoblins! [Bobo shrieks again]

Mike Nelson:
Pearl, please, whatever you're thinking, please don't! [the guys start shouting apologies, and then the movie sign alerts]

Tom Servo:
[Trying to figure out what the band is singing] Pig licker I think, so perhaps a man who licks pigs or liquor made from pigs.

Mike Nelson:
I would not want pig liquor.

Mike Nelson:
If this is your god, you have a severe ontological problem.

Crow:
So, Mike, I learned from today's movie that Daphne was a slut, and Amy wasn't fun until she became a slut.

Mike Nelson:
Well, that's the fun message of today's movie!

Tom Servo:
[the fired security guard pushes a button, blowing up the film vault] That was supposed to open the van door!

[after finishing the abysmal "Hobgoblins"]

Crow:
So, Mike, I learned from today's movie that Daphne was a slut, and Amy wasn't fun until she became a slut.

Mike Nelson:
Well, that's the fun message of today's movie!

Crow:
Can we agree that from now on, films have to be made by FILMMAKERS?

Kevin:
[asks his friends passed out on the couch] Where's Kyle?

Mike Nelson:
What? Did they split a keg of Robitussin? Come on, get up.

[the guys are watching the film and the security guard is getting attacked by a gangster]

Mike Nelson:
I don't like the old-guy-getting-killed channel!

McCreedy:
Hello, Mr. Comstock? Yes, I realize what time it is. I'm sorry to wake you, but... there's been an accident at the studio.

Crow:
We made "Hobgoblins".

Crow T. Robot:
[imitating a hobgoblin] Drive us to Chuck 'E' Cheese!

Kevin:
Idiot!

Mike Nelson:
This from an *assistant* security guard.

[Nick has just burst into flames after trying to cover a grenade with its pin pulled]

Crow:
My fajita plate was really hot and I touched it!

[we see a gumball machine in the background]

Tom Servo:
Hey, it's my mom!

Mike Nelson:
Better dead, than continue living.

Crow:
As a general rule, I'm not sure I agree.

Tom Servo:
[Upon seeing the name "Temple Foster"] Ah, Temple Foster, where they worship Australian beer.

Tom Servo:
[as guy is running away] Another character flees the film.

Crow:
So Mike, if you're in a plane crash and you're a girl, you instantly become helpless and sex hungered, and you murmer a lot?

Mike Nelson:
Well there's only one way to find out.

[Mike takes the SOL down and the three start doing a spoof on the plane crash in "Horrors of Spider Island." After the crash, everyone is dressed up as a girl]

Gary Webster:
[helping Georgia ashore] There you are, Georgia.

Tom Servo:
Just north of Florida.

Crow T. Robot:
They should just start putting handles on women for easy carrying.

Babs:
Where's Gladys?

Crow:
Spying on the Stephens.

Tom Servo:
You want surreal? I'll give you surreal: A Very Brady Christmas.

Joel:
"I Accuse My Parents" was brought to you by Boone's Farm.

[during the short about "truck farming"]

Joel:
Praise the Truck Farmer! Bow down to him!

Crow T. Robot:
Worship the Truck Farmer, at the church of your choice.

Crow T. Robot:
Yes Satan, speak to me through this song!

Charlie Blake:
Now listen to me, no one's gonna take you away from me.

Crow T. Robot:
Not even me, see? I'd kill me before that happens.

Crow T. Robot:
[the field is being plowed] It's harrowing, isn't it?

Narrator:
Here in southern Texas, there is an additional problem.

Crow T. Robot:
Texans.

Crow:
Soylent Green is made from people.

Tom Servo:
I've decided. I'm gonna do something really stupid

Crow T. Robot:
I'm thinkin' of tellin' my wife I love her. Naah, forget it, not worth it.

Crow T. Robot:
I accuse you, Joel. Now, carefully, hand over the hamburger sandwich.

Tom Servo:
Don't let him forget the french fries potato garnish.

Mike Nelson:
[after Tony, played by Michael Landon, has punched a boy in front of his classmates] But I thought I had a right to pick a little fight, Bonanza.

Tom Servo:
It's okay if I kill a couple kids, Bonanza!

Dr. Alfred Brandon:
Do you cry over a guinea pig?

Crow T. Robot:
If its Snowball...

Dr. Alfred Brandon:
What is one life compared to such a triumph!

Crow T. Robot:
What *did* you do to Snowball?

Tom Servo:
Okay, little old lady got mutilated late last night; you kids know anything?

Tom Servo:
Come on... shake... SHAKE, give me your paw

Crow T. Robot:
He may urinate submissively, I should warn you...

Dr. Alfred Brandon:
Soon you'll be yourself, your *true* self...

Mike Nelson:
An angel... a cowboy... a pioneer dad...

Frank:
How will I get home? I'll get home on my feet, I'll walk. I'll take the short cut through the woods

Tom Servo:
DING! DING! DING! DING!... VICTIM!

Dr. Alfred Brandon:
Where? Where?

Tom Servo:
Wolf! Wolf!

Crow T. Robot:
I'm probably pretty tasty and well marbled, not something I've often thought of...

Tom Servo:
But doctor, I found a letter jacket in my stool this morning!

Mike Nelson:
Hippocratic oath, shmippocratic oath...

[a scene is obviously shot day-for-night]

Crow T. Robot:
A werewolf in the daytime?

Mike Nelson:
They couldn't shoot at night because the night belongs to Michelob.

Tom Servo:
I thought the night belonged to lovers.

Crow T. Robot:
They got bought out by Michelob.

Tom Servo:
[as Charles Benton] I've gotta take a big indestructible wizz.

Joel Robinson:
[appalled] Oh, that is tasteless.

Tom Servo:
[as the indestructible man is splashing about in the sewers underneath Los Angeles] You know, nobody needs to hide *this* bad.

Tom Servo:
[as the police are splashing around the sewers beneath Los Angeles] Eccch, don't even *ask*.

Crow T. Robot:
You know, think of all the burritos they sell in this town.

Joel Robinson:
[movie shows shots of police cars with sirens on] Attention, be on the look out for doughnuts!

Tom Servo:
Oh come on, Joel. That's really *lame*.

Joel Robinson:
Oh, whatever you say, Tom "I've got to take an indestructible wizz" Servo.

Tom Servo:
There goes Beetle Juice!

[as the Stingray descends into the murkiest depths of the ocean floor]

Crow T. Robot:
That's very well lit for the bottom of a crater of a abandoned volcano at the bottom of the sea.

Tom Servo:
[the short is called "A date with your family"] A Date With your Family, the Woody Allen Story.

[after "Invasion of the Neptune Men" finally ends]

Mike Nelson:
Brought to you by "The League of Psychotic Children: Surround yourself with annoying, shrill voiced children".

[we see a record player running backwards]

Crow:
Paul is a dead man! Miss him! Miss him!

Crow T. Robot:
To be dead... to be nothing... to watch "Neptune Men" no more...

Tom Servo:
[English accent] Thomas was very cross with Japan and felt he must resort to carpet bombing.

Mike Nelson:
Conclusive evidence that the Japanese DO exist.

Crow T. Robot:
You know, maybe the Japanese didn't really know they were making a film per se. Maybe... maybe they thought there were working in a different medium. Like fabric sculpture, or something.

Tom Servo:
Hey, you know, Space Chief should really try going up into SPACE sometime.

Crow T. Robot:
Yeah, he's more like "Lower Atmosphere Chief."

Mike Nelson:
"Barely-Off-The-Stupid-Ground Chief."

Crow T. Robot:
[as the Neptune Man leader clenches his fists in anger] I WANT MY RECORD!

[At seeing a building with an image of Hitler on it blown up]

Crow:
What? What!

Tom Servo:
They blew up the Hitler building! Where's everybody gonna go to see Hitler memorabilia?

Crow:
All the Hitler rides and games! The Hitler salt and pepper shakers!

Mike Nelson:
That great restaurant, "The Bunker"! It's gone, you son of a...

Crow:
You blew it up!

Mike Nelson:
You know, I wish the running would never stop. I mean it. I simply can't get enough shots of these kids running! Really! Literally, there is no limit to how much I wanna see of this!

Crow T. Robot:
Just a little sarcastic, maybe, Mike?

Mike Nelson:
Eh, just a touch, I guess.

Tom Servo:
Oragami!

Mike Nelson:
What?

Tom Servo:
Oragami's Japanese, right? I like Oragami. Well, maybe "like" is too strong a word. I mean, I don't mind it... Ah, Hell, I hate it. Folding paper is STUPID! STUPID!

Crow T. Robot:
You sure turned on that pretty quickly.

Mike Nelson:
[the aliens begin demolishing buildings] Man, they really got hosed on that whole barrier deal. I hope they bought the service contract.

Mike Nelson:
Never thought I'd say it, but suddenly Independence Day seems a richly nuanced movie.

Crow T. Robot:
You know, I am starting to get a sense of Space Chief's ultimate vulnerability, though.

Tom Servo:
I think we're gonna hear a deft and poetic monologue from Space Chief about his loneliness.

Tom Servo:
Do any of these kids have names?

Mike Nelson:
Well, they're so distinct... I don't think there's any reason to give them names.

[during a lengthy shot of a radar screen]

Crow T. Robot:
You know, not many movies can support a full minute of looking at a radar screen. For example, *this* one can't, at all.

Crow:
[discussing stock footage of a building with Hitler's likeness being blown up] Say Mike, was there a Hitler building where you grew up?

Mike Nelson:
Not, um... No. No, no.

Crow:
Sure?

Mike Nelson:
No.

[the Neptunians stumble around the space ship]

Tom Servo:
Geez, they're making the chicken men of Krankor look super competent and dignified.

Tom Servo:
[getting frustrated with the movie] You know, I think this is gonna become "The Magnificent Ambersons". In fact, it is "The Magnificent Ambersons"! Right now, it is! You see it, guys? Huh? Huh? The family, riding in a sleigh? "There it is: Amberson Mansion. Pride of the town." "Hot and cold running water?" "Upstairs and down." Oh, it's not working, you guys. It's not "The Magnificent Ambersons"! I don't even *like* "The Magnificent Ambersons"!

Tom Servo:
[singing over music] Space Chief failed miserably, and tried to cover up his shame..."

Dr. Forrester:
I'm a scientist, I don't think, I observe.

Tom Servo:
[eating] Mmm, you know that pie was delicious. Did you bake it yourself?

Joel Robinson:
Oh no, it's just a recipe my grandmother stole from the bakery.

Joel Robinson:
[Crow slurps down coffee] Hey, you want some more?

Crow T. Robot:
Only half a gallon.

Joel Robinson:
What are you so smug about? You look like a man who's just inherited Texas.

Tom Servo:
Well, it may not be too far off. You know, this coffee tastes like it came out of an oil derrick. What did you strain it through, a mummy?

Crow T. Robot:
Yeah. The coffee tastes like mud. Roger Mudd.

Tom Servo:
Oh, the coffee wasn't half as bad as the dinner.

Joel Robinson:
Well, I always burn it when you come home drunk.

Crow T. Robot:
So you burn it every night?

Joel Robinson:
Don't bring that up again.

Crow T. Robot:
I have to bring it up: if I hold it in, I'll die.

Tom Servo:
Dye. That's what this coffee tastes like. Dye!

Joel Robinson:
Did you two get enough? You hardly touched your steak.

Crow T. Robot:
I didn't want to touch it, it scared me.

Tom Servo:
Yeah, talking about steaks being tough, I thought they retired mail order studs.

Joel Robinson:
Well, what would you know about being a stud?

Crow T. Robot:
The meat was better if you put that fuzzy gravy on it.

Tom Servo:
[disgusted] Oh, was that gravy?I thought the dog had been sick.

Crow T. Robot:
I've never seen spam served so many ways, especially in a jello.

Tom Servo:
[coughs] You know, halfway through the dinner, my fillet got up and beat the hell out of my coffee and the coffee was too weak to defend itself.

Joel Robinson:
Oh well, it looks like you enjoyed the marinade or were you just being a pig?

Crow T. Robot:
Hey, the only thing around here that's marinated is Tom.

Tom Servo:
Oh that's great. Why don't you just skip the dinner and go straight to passing out on the table?

Joel Robinson:
OK, keep it down, you two.

Crow T. Robot:
[grossed out] I don't think I can keep anything down if I have to keep looking at that dessert.

Tom Servo:
Oh, you know, forget about the pie and just read the recipe.

[upon seeing the title, "IT Lives By Night"]

Crow:
Well, IT shouldn't drink so much coffee.

Tom Servo:
[a character finds an old drunk in a barn] Could this be my Yoda-like mentor?

Tom Servo:
Ah, straight into the arms of Sheriff Menacing W. Pervert!

Tom Servo:
I hate it when you get bats in your pyjamas.

Mike Nelson:
[as Doctor Kipling] Posed like this in Playgirl only without my pants.

Tom Servo:
[pretending to be a bat] Hey, hey take it easy! You got a mosquito on your neck, I just wanna grab it!

Mike Nelson:
It's Prokofiev and this time he's pissed!

Nastenka:
Please, Rosy Fingered Dawn, have mercy on me.

Tom Servo:
World's thrown into chaos, earthquakes, floods, but whatever, you mend your sock!

Crow T. Robot:
Get in there you little viper! Somebody needs viping!

Ivan:
Will you marry me?

Tom Servo:
Um, I'm NINE!

Crow T. Robot:
Uh, little problem here guys... um... I'm a bear.

Tom Servo:
Oh I'm so sure.

Crow T. Robot:
No, I'm a bear. You know that little elf mushroom guy?

Tom Servo:
Yeah.

Crow T. Robot:
He did it.

Mike Nelson:
Oh. Huh. And where did this happen?

Crow T. Robot:
Just... you know... around... Some luck, huh?

Mike Nelson:
Are you sure you didn't just hot glue fur to yourself?

Crow T. Robot:
Yeah, I wish.

Tom Servo:
MIKE! HELP! Crow ate half of me then buried me in the dirt!

Crow T. Robot:
Mmm. Not bad.

Mike Nelson:
Crow, what is wrong with you?

Crow T. Robot:
I told you, Mike, I'm a bear.

Mike Nelson:
Now haven't we talked about this 100 times - about you taking your bear simulations to the extreme?

Crow T. Robot:
Yeah.

Mike Nelson:
And what are you doing?

Crow T. Robot:
Taking my bear simulations to the extreme?

Mike Nelson:
Yeah. There. Do you see a connection?

Crow T. Robot:
Um... no, I don't, Mike.

Tom Servo:
Oh!

Mike Nelson:
So, the first plot point involves knitting socks. I think we're in for quite a ride, guys!

Mike Nelson:
Every time I meet a man, he's either gay or a bear.

Crow T. Robot:
[as children run away into the woods] Chernobyl's exploding again! Let's go watch!

[first lines]

Crow T. Robot:
Ladies and... Gypsy! Michael Nelson *is* Lord of the Dance!

Crow T. Robot:
I have terminal enchantment right now.

[last lines]

Pearl Forrester:
Until next time, Nelson, fresh pain awaits!

Ivan:
What's your name?

Nastenka:
Well my name is Nastenka.

Crow T. Robot:
Miss Jackson if your nasty!

Tom Servo:
Forgot to read the fine runes!

Tom Servo:
Quick! There's a sale on babushkas at bloomingdale-skis!

Crow T. Robot:
She should just start over from gene one...

Crow T. Robot:
Help me, Obi Wan Kenobi-ski!

Crow T. Robot:
They're swimming in my chili... the little creeps!

Crow T. Robot:
Shut your kringle hole!

Crow T. Robot:
It's a three pig open sleigh!

Tom Servo:
On Wilbur! On Gordy! On Babe!

Crow T. Robot:
Later, in tingly wingaly, picky wicky land.

Tom Servo:
I've got to find a picnic basket!

Crow:
Michael Nelson is Lord of the Dance.

Tom Servo:
Hey Lord of the Pants. Can you tear yourself away from yourself for a minute?

Crow:
M is for the many time you beat me. O is for the other times you beat me.

Crow T. Robot:
Hey, it's the MGM Lion. Ah, no, it's the Lippert Lizard.

Joel Robinson:
Hey look, it's Woodstock. Three days of peace, love, and stock footage.

Crow T. Robot:
[on the movie scientists making camp instead of exploring] We wouldn't want them to find an important scientific discovery.

Tom Servo:
Why don't you, uh, wake up the girls so they can scream?

Patricia:
There's no reason we can't take a watch too.

Richard:
Yes, there is.

Tom Servo:
[making fun of the film's sexist attitudes] You're girls.

[Richard shoves Nora out of the way to get to the wounded Ralph]

Crow T. Robot:
Get out of the way, you had your chance.

[the lemur crawls toward Nora's breasts]

Crow T. Robot:
He's hungry.

[the movie scientists set off an atomic bomb]

Crow T. Robot:
Uh, we did the right thing, didn't we? Uh, they'd never surrender. It was right to blow 'em up.

[the lemur lifts its head up]

Crow T. Robot:
Thanks for annihilating everything I know.

Joel Robinson:
You know, Tom, if you're looking for plausibility in this film, you won't find it here friend.

[Ralph shoots at a giant ant as a frightened Nora looks on]

Joel Robinson:
I'm dealing with it. I got it. I got it, honey.

Tom Servo:
[singing mockingly] I'm in danger! When in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout!

Tom Servo:
[on the flare used during one of King Dinosaur's fight sequences] Red flare at night, lizards fight. Red flare in the morning, lizards take warning.

Tom Servo:
I think the film on this lake is better than the film we're watching.

Crow T. Robot:
Hmmmm. Qualified. Qualified? Hmmmm. Wow, what a question! Me, Crow T. Robot, what do I think? Am I qualified? Wow! That's a heavy burden. How can I make a difference? CAN I make a difference? Oh surely, I'm but a single bot, alone, as it were, in the vast universe thing. Maybe I can change the world.

[more positive]

Crow T. Robot:
Perhaps I've looked at life from upside down. Hmmmm. Hey Cambot! Move it in a little and, uh, cue that uh moody music. Well, what would Joel do in a situation like this? No, no, nope nope, no, uh. I've got to learn to think for myself. To stand on my own two foot-like apendages. Seize the day. Yes. Think globally, act locally. Yes, by god, I can do it! Why, I could start a letter-writing campaign, yeah, that would help. And, uh, I could organize a bake sale. Or, uh, hey! We could ALL help! Come on friends, run to your window and shout, "I'm really cheesed and I'm not gonna hang around 'till this thing gets better!" Uh, why organize a, uh, improv group and do gorilla theatre at the food court in your mall. Dress a little differently. Make it more exciting for you and your spouse. Or here's an idea: toss a little cajun spice into the party mix and watch the fun. Put on a one-man show and talk about your true inner feelings in an emotionally-charged, gut-wrenching, autobiographical account of your warped adolesence, and then watch the grant money come in. Whoooo! But don't snap judge me. And then, watch that - uh, uh, I know! Put a drop of vanilla behind each ear and you?ll smell like a cookie all day!

[Getting more excited]

Crow T. Robot:
Or, eat an apple: nature's toothbrush. Ask Mr. Owl how many licks it takes to get to the tootsie center. Have you met everyone on your block? Now would be a nice time to start, doncha think? Hmmmm. In a classroom, slide your desks together and create an ecology symbol. Police the lives of those around you and get your sensibilities way the heck outta whack! Parade up and down the street in your underwear. Impose your ideas on others! It's easy! Crush someone with an emotional word or an enigmatic look. You decide. You do it!

[Agitated]

Crow T. Robot:
I'm sick of this! I can't make a decision! I'm no good at this sort of thing!

[Quietly]

Crow T. Robot:
It's up to you. I'm passin' the buck to you. Now I've got commercial sign.

[as Dr. Smith]

Crow T. Robot:
Oh, the pain. The pain.

Tom Servo:
Russ Meyer's Goldilocks.

Dr. Forrester:
[his last ever line] Oh poopie.

Mike Nelson:
I wonder what the flaw was that kept Leonard Maltin from giving this film the full three stars.

[a car radio plays a generic rock song]

Mike Nelson:
I'm pretty sure this is the long version of whatever song this is.

Mike Nelson:
Ah, the famous tires squealing on a dirt road!

Mike Nelson:
This film is composed entirely of second unit footage.

Mike Nelson:
All righty then!

Crow T. Robot:
She undercut the subtle nuance of my wiener joke!

Mike Nelson:
[the sheriff in Laserblast bears a striking resemblance to Hank Williams Jr] Look, are you READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL?

Mike Nelson:
Man, I've gotta go home and get READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL!

Crow T. Robot:
Let's find out of he's READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL!

Mike Nelson:
What do we got, another citizen who isn't READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL!

Crow T. Robot:
Anyway, all my rowdy friends are coming over later.

Crow T. Robot:
I just feel like you're not ready for some football.

Tom Servo:
Anything you say can be used to get you READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL!

Tom Servo:
I'm not ready for football anymore.

Tom Servo:
[Sheriff is cracking open a Coke bottle] Hey, he knows how to use a Coke!

Mike Nelson:
[In tune with old Coca-Cola jingle] I'd like to teach the world to GET READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL!

Crow T. Robot:
I think they were going for a 'Touch of Evil' feel, but they got a touch of somethin' else.

Dr. Forrester:
Ah, Albert Glasser, the man who holds you down and pummels you with music.

Joel:
That was the nineteen-fifty-one classic "Lost Continent". Interestingly enough, EP Robert Lippert found that he could extend the length of his film by adding meaningless, poorly contrived and blocked walking sequences, or in the case of today's film, mind-numbingly excessive mountain-climbing scenes. He called the device "padding" and as you know, padding has become a staple of movies ever since. Now this.

Tom Servo:
Cesar Romero, whom many of you will recognize from the "Batman" TV series of the late sixties, and who was thought to be a spy, was originally to play the role that eventually went to Hugh Beaumont. Director Sam Newfield said, "Cesar just isn't bland enough." We'll be right back.

Crow T. Robot:
Uh, Director Newfeld, known nazi spy, cocaine fiend, and pyromaniac, used to amuse the cast and crew by doing terrible things to his dog with a fork. Uh, we'll be right back.

[Upon seeing the title of "Lost Continent"]

Joel:
"Lost Continent"? Well, I lost my keys before, but this is ridiculous.

Joel:
Who are you? Where are we? Can we get a frame of reference or something, *please*?

Joel:
He climbed through to the ionosphere! Is that legal?

Crow T. Robot:
Ever fly one of these before?

Tom Servo:
Nope.

Crow T. Robot:
Neither have I.

Hugh Beaumont:
Hello boys.

Joel:
Hugh Beaumont?

Hugh Beaumont:
Oh come on, call me 'Dad'.

Joel:
Gee sir, I mean Dad, what are you doing here?

Hugh Beaumont:
Well you see boys, I'm one of the four horsemen of the apoclalyse and I come bearing a message of unholy death.

Joel:
Huh?

Hugh Beaumont:
That's right, I'm really going to give you the business, destroy you, your world, and all that you know. But first, a stern talking-to. You know, you shouldn't be so hard on that movie. A lot of people worked quite hard to bring that movie to you.

Crow T. Robot:
Gee, I guess we shouldn't be so quick to judge others then, huh.

Hugh Beaumont:
That's right, Crow.

Crow T. Robot:
He bought it, what a jerk!

Tom Servo:
Uh, Bob, this is a plane, there is no upstairs.

Tom Servo:
This is the pilot, has anyone ever flown one of these before?

Tom Servo:
[As plane crashes] Thank you for flying Northwest.

Joel:
Remember the rule, people, if you don't understand it, just shoot it.

Joel:
I'm gonna climb up and into Lincoln's nose.

Crow T. Robot:
Why do the violins always trill when he's climbing?

Tom Servo:
From the director that brought you that ealier stuff, more of the same!

Joel:
This is only for conversation, but if you were to eat a human body, where would you start?

Tom Servo:
Yes, oh yes, my spirit is snoring!

Crow T. Robot:
Got a match?

Joel:
Yeah, my butt, your face.

Tom Servo:
Uh, I think his accent has gotten thinner with the air!

Tom Servo:
I see a dinosaur, but I hear an elephant.

Tom Servo:
Hey, does this movie have a continental breakfast?

Crow T. Robot:
No, they lost the continental breakfast.

Crow T. Robot:
It's the mother-loving rubber dinosaur of them all!

Tom Servo:
I am not an animal! I am a rubber model!

Joel:
Hey, check it out, graffiti from the Donner Party.

Tom Servo:
Brain the size of a walnut.

Crow T. Robot:
The dinosaur?

Tom Servo:
No, the director.

Crow T. Robot:
I'm going to ask this once again, and it's only for the sake of conversation, what do you think is the tastiest part of the human body?

Crow T. Robot:
Get away! The stock footage is erupting.

Tom Servo:
Rock-climbing movies don't have this much rock-climbing in them!

[Joel and Crow are discussing color vs. black and white.]

Joel Robinson:
And what do you think, Tom Servo?

Tom Servo:
Um, about what?

Joel Robinson:
About how some of our movies are in color and some are in black and white.

Tom Servo:
I'm not sure I understand the question.

Crow T. Robot:
Oh, come on! Movie A: color. Movie B: black and white.

Tom Servo:
Look, we can't all notice the same subtleties!

Crow T. Robot:
Subtleties? Why, I...

Joel Robinson:
Hold on, Crow. Tom, what color is my jumpsuit?

Tom Servo:
Red.

Joel Robinson:
And what color is Crow?

Tom Servo:
Red.

Magic Voice:
Commercial sign in five, four, three, two. What color is Dr. Forrester?

Tom Servo:
Red. What about it?

Joel Robinson:
We'll be right back. I think I see what the problem is.

Reggie:
There's a million to one chance we'll ever be seen.

Crow T. Robot:
Oh. They must be on Comedy Central.

[a small, rocky planet is seen.]

Tom Servo:
Hey, it's the MST3K logo!

Joel Robinson:
[whispering] We're not supposed to know about that!

[two cars are shown "jumping" down a hill]

Joel Robinson, Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo:
FLUBBER! FLUBBER!

[George Lazenby is featured in the awful Master Ninja II]

Crow T. Robot:
[as Lazenby] I used to be Bond... James Bond. Now I'm in movies... *bad* movies.

Webster:
This is a small town. We take care of our people.

The Master:
I don't think the lady wants you to take care of her.

Crow T. Robot:
[as the Master] That's why the lady is a tramp.

Webster:
Hey, you got a hearing problem, old man?

The Master:
My hearing is excellent.

Joel Robinson:
[as the Master] Because I have the Whisper 2000.

Tom Servo:
You negated me!

Crow T. Robot:
No, I didn't!

Grandpa:
So, David, Michael's father, senses that something in his house might be possesed by an evil spirit.

Crow T. Robot:
You are sick, old man.

Crow T. Robot:
He made Satan the owner of my soul! I gotta' give it to you, Merlin! Good one!

[after a man breathed fire]

Mike Nelson:
Clearly Merlin has brought good into the world!

Crow T. Robot:
[as Ernest Borgnine who is narrating the story] And then, the devil cat leapt on his throat and pulled out bloody strips of sinew and flesh!

Crow T. Robot:
See here's his problem, going around town dressed like that, asking women "Have you seen my little monkey?"

Tom Servo:
[as Merlin] Remember to believe in magic, or I'll kill you.

Pearl Forrester:
Attention captive test subjects! The Institute for Mad Science has sent me my first experiment to inflict on you. Now, let's do it right so I can get to the real mad scientist stuff, like pulling the heads off monkeys.

Professor Bobo:
HEY!

Pearl Forrester:
Oh don't even.

[reads note]

Pearl Forrester:
Hmmm... Hehehe... Yes, good good good. This is a very good evil experiment. The hypothesis is is that one of you, say Servo, is given complete power and control over the others...

Tom Servo:
[dressed like a Nazi] Furthermore, all those violating marshal law will be torn in half by sumo wrestlers.

Crow T. Robot, Mike Nelson:
[weakly] Hooray.

Tom Servo:
And finnaly, my good people, give me all your cookies and I won't kill you!

Crow T. Robot, Mike Nelson:
[weaker] Hooray.

Pearl Forrester:
...The person in charge will undoubtedly become corrupt. So, take your person in charge and fill his underwear with fire ants.

Tom Servo:
F-f-f-fire ants? I'm no longer fit to lead! I relinquish my power to Mike! I'm a private citizen! You can have your damn cookies back!

Pearl Forrester:
Ah, so we see that fire ants in the underwear can change the course of whole governments.

David:
[yelling as he tries to bury the toy monkey] You'll have to do better than that, you little bastard!

Mike Nelson:
Is he yelling at Mason Reese?

Tom Servo:
Dum de dum, not thinking about demons...

Mike Nelson:
[Reading off of a ouija board] "Kiss... my..." HEY!

[the movie is starring Ernest Borgnine]

Crow T. Robot:
The mystical wonder is that he's *in* a movie.

Crow T. Robot:
[as Ernest Borgnine, as Sparkle the Dog is trapped in a burning garage] Remember the kitten, Billy. That was nothing compared to this.

Tom Servo:
[as Billy] No...

Crow T. Robot:
[as Borgnine] At least the kitten went quick, Billy.

Mike Nelson:
[as the toy monkey with cymbals] Come on, put on some John Phillip Sousa, I'm dying to use these.

Crow T. Robot:
[as the toy monkey, when Michael accidentially knocks over the garbage can he was in] Dahhh! Man! I was next to an old coffee filter and a diaper! Whoo, thanks, kid.

Tom Servo:
[on the SOL bridge] What are you doing there, Mikey-drawers?

Crow T. Robot:
Yeah.

Mike Nelson:
Oh, I ordered us up the whole series of Ernest Borgnine's children's books based on the movie. I don't know, I thought it would be whimsical or something.

Crow T. Robot:
Well, bring on the whimsy, man!

Mike Nelson:
OK, well here's one called "Santa's Workshop of Shimmering Delights." That might be whimsical... [reads] Oh, man... Wow, well this isn't appropriate. Here, Aram the Elf's hands get scissored off in the sheet metal crimper.

Tom Servo:
[whistles] Ooh, yeah, that's unsavory, all right.

Mike Nelson:
Well, let's try this one. "Slow Bear's Woodland Picnic." How could that possibly... [reads] Wow! Holy cow! Slow Bear bashes in Charlie Chipmunk's head with a can of pork and beans!

Crow T. Robot:
Wow! That Borgnine is dark, man!

Tom Servo:
Hey, try "Fluffy Bunny's New Blue Suit."

Mike Nelson:
Yeah, that sounds completely... [reads] Oh, my... [looks like he's about to vomit]

Crow T. Robot:
What?

Tom Servo:
What?

Crow T. Robot:
[both he and Tom read and start to gag] AAAHHHH! THEY'RE EATING HIS LIVER! AAAAHHHH!

Mike Nelson:
[thoroughly disgusted] That's it, these are all going ba- [sees another] Oh, now look at this one! "Dr. Blood's Orgy of Gore!"

Tom Servo:
Augh!

Crow T. Robot:
Augh!

Mike Nelson:
What is with this guy, man? This is- [reads, looks puzzled] Oh, this one seems fine.

Crow T. Robot:
What?

Tom Servo:
What?

Mike Nelson:
"In a little, cozy hole in the ground there lived eight plump mice."

Tom Servo:
Yeah, whose eyes get poked out with upholstery needles!

Mike Nelson:
No, they get little sweaters and live happily.

Crow T. Robot:
Wow, weird.

Mike Nelson:
We'll be right back.

Tom Servo:
New sweaters, really?

Tom Servo:
[as Merlin] Yes, it's my job to release evil into the world and gradually recover it, following the deaths of many innocent people.

Tom Servo:
[a cat is being force fed] Meow, meow, safe. Meow, meow, very safe.

Johnathan Cooper III:
Allow me to introduce myself.

Tom Servo:
I'm Bob Jackass.

Johnathan Cooper III:
Come on, for Pete's sake Madeline, don't encourage them. It's nothing more than a rock!

Tom Servo:
Like your womb.

Merlin:
I'm afraid that over the years, some of the pages have become brittle...

Crow T. Robot:
Like the missus here.

Merlin:
- and sections have broken off.

Crow T. Robot:
Again like the missus here.

Merlin:
So please Mr. Cooper, heed my words...

Mike Nelson:
Munch my shorts...

Tom Servo:
Honey, you okay down there?

Mike Nelson:
Eh... I got old and roasted the cat alive with my breath, but I'm fine.

Crow T. Robot:
That bastard! He turned me into Benjamin Franklin.

Tom Servo:
We're gonna change the dog's name to Crispy.

Tom Servo:
Believe in magic, or I'll kill you.

Joel:
"Mitchell". Even his NAME says "Is that a beer?"

[repeatedly]

Joel, Crow, Tom:
Mitchell!

Tom Servo:
[as the "chase" scene begins] This... is what I'll remember when I think of the movie "Mitchell." And I *will* think of it.

Tom Servo:
The Lincoln Continental: perfect for off-road excitement.

Crow T. Robot:
This makes "Driving Miss Daisy" look like "Bullitt!"

Crow T. Robot:
I've seen faster funeral processions!

Tom Servo:
Why is he downshifting his automatic?

Tom Servo:
Aaaaaaaahhhh!

Tom Servo:
'Mittens'? His name's 'Mittens'?

Joel:
Hey, wasn't John Saxon supposed to be in this movie?

Joel:
[as Mitchell] Stop, or my heart will explode!

Dr. Forrester:
Ah, nothing like a good shower to make one feel good again, huh? I feel great! Nothing can get in the way of my good mood. What's going on, Frank?

TV's Frank:
Oh, not much. Inventory's under control... floor needs mopping... Joel escaped from the Satellite of Love...

Dr. Forrester:
Well, I see you got the situation well in hand... What? Joel escaped from the Satellite of Love?

TV's Frank:
Well, I better get started on that floor.

Dr. Forrester:
Frank, my towel and your hinder have an appointment. But first, we got to rescue Joel. Oh, no! No! Frank, he's landed safely in the Australian outback.

TV's Frank:
Let's hope he landed on Yahoo Serious.

Dr. Forrester:
Well, that's a good point, Frank, 'cause... Frank, can't you see we're ruined? What are we gonna do?

TV's Frank:
Well, we can send someone else into space.

Dr. Forrester:
Who are we gonna find at this late date to send into space?

Mike Nelson:
Would you guys sign my time card?

Dr. Forrester:
[Forrester and Frank exchange a look] Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

TV's Frank:
Yeah, you're not gonna sign his time card, are ya?

Mike Nelson:
C'mon, you gotta sign my time card.

Dr. Forrester:
Of course I'll sign your time card, young man. In fact, I think you're going to be working for me for a long, long time. Push the button, Frank. Say Mike, what size jumpsuit do you wear?

Mike Nelson:
Uhh...

Tom Servo:
[gasping] They arrested Harlan Ellison.

Joel:
Good.

Joel:
I love pulling my gun when I come home! Scares my cats half to death!

[watching the end of 'Mitchell']

Crow T. Robot:
You know, at this stage in any killing spree, you really ought to turn the gun on yourself.

Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo:
[chanting] Turn it! Turn it! Turn it! Turn it!

Joel:
Hey! Hey!

Tom Servo:
[singing] Mobsters laughing, really smiling, a man selling heroin!

Tom Servo:
[watching a film in which a man is shot and thrown off a boat] So long, CHUM!

Joel:
Hey! It's one of the kids from Fame!

Tom Servo:
Which one?

Joel:
Any of 'em.

Joel:
It's not often you see Johnny Mathis in the wild.

Crow T. Robot:
[as police chief] Well you're rich and white. I don't see a problem with it.

Joel:
[as Mitchell] Oh shoot, a door! I didn't plan on this.

Crow T. Robot:
[seeing murder victim's outline] Keith Harring was here!

Joel:
Oh thank goodness they merged successfully. My heart was in my throat.

Tom Servo:
The new Chrysler Fury. The car that thinks it's a house!

Joel:
[Mitchell wears an ugly plaid coat] Can we get some more volume on that jacket please?

Mitchell:
I wanted to find out who he was.

Chief:
Well ASK him, don't SHOOT him.

Chief:
Who was he?

Tom Servo:
I didn't ask 'im, I shot 'im.

Gallano:
You really think so?

Joel:
I'm turning Japanese.

Tom Servo:
[as Mitchell] Alright John Tesh. I know you're in here!

Tom Servo:
[as the irritating kid skates away from Mitchell] I'm gonna give him some distance then I'm gonna mow him over!

Crow T. Robot:
[a car door slams offscreen] What was that? Oh.

Gallano:
Now it's your turn...

Tom Servo:
[singing] To be whatta you can be...

Crow:
This makes "Driving Miss Daisy" look like "Bullitt".

Gypsy:
Jumpsuit...? Fool...? They're going to kill Joel! They're going to kill Joel! They're going to kill Joel! Help! What do I do? What do I do? I gotta get him outta here! They're gonna kill him! Help!... Easy, girl! Take it easy. Calm down, breathe through your nose... Here we go... That does it. Easy does it... Okay... Okay... Okay... Okay... Okay... Okay... They're going to kill Joel! Ahhhh!

Tom Servo:
It's dangerous for Joe Don to be in the water. Someone's bound to harpoon him.

Mitchell:
That's the first piece of information you've had all night.

Crow T. Robot:
How about letting *us* in on some?

Tom Servo:
It was a Big time when Big men drove nothing but Huge Ford Cars!

Greta:
He sleeps with me, then busts me.

Joel:
First things first.

Joel:
[reading scrolling title sequence] What is that, what does it say, mittens?

Joel:
Joe Don Baker *is* Mittens...

Crow T. Robot:
He's a cop!

Dr. Forrester:
Well, here it comes, Joel: "Mitchell"! It's a super-secret spy... has a motorcycle... marooned in space... meets Hercules... or not... uh, watch it and weep, Joel Prole Mole! Send them the movie, Frank. Frank, the movie?

[Mitchell punches through a sheet of aluminum foil]

Tom Servo:
[Arnold Schwarzenegger voice] Liquid metal.

Mike Nelson:
You guys watch Joe Don Baker movies?

Joel Robinson:
[after the infamous "person-imitating a telephone ring"] Unbelievable.

[after reading producer and director credits for Bill Rebane]

Crow T. Robot:
Hey, what a coincidence: there are two guys named Bill Rebane! Heh-heh, y'know, 'cause you see, with the, and the, the guys that...

[taking a breath of resignation]

Crow T. Robot:
This is gonna suck.

Tom Servo:
[seeing the title partially obscured by the backdrop] "Monster Go Go?" I thought this was going to be "Monster Go Home."

Crow T. Robot:
It's hard to trust anyone not named Steve, eh?

[while listening to the erratic opening score]

Mike Nelson:
Help, the conductor is having a seizure!

Maya:
You've been reading too many novels by Fleming.

Tom Servo:
Jerry Fleming, Ian's brother.

Mr. Thai:
[talking about the plan] All metals will be instantly affected.

Crow T. Robot:
[like Dr. Strangelove] Animals will be bred and *slaughtered*!

Cabot:
Where the hell am I?

Mike Nelson:
You're the hell here.

Tom Servo:
Fact: in this movie alone, there were more groin shots of the human male body than in all previously viewed movies... combined!

Tom Servo:
Hey, it's the Judds.

Crow T. Robot:
[as Jack Palance/Xenos] God, I'm drunk.

Queen Lara:
What are you talking about?

Mike Nelson:
[as Xenos] I really don't know.

Queen Lara:
What have you done to the prisoner?

Tom Servo:
[as Xenos] We cancelled it. It was too obscure.

Queen Lara:
Get out of here. You disgusting worm.

Xenos:
Your... Royal... Highness.

Mike Nelson:
[as Xenos/Jack Palance] Now... if... you'll... excuse... me... I'm going to go... tear... my agent... a new...

Tom Servo:
[as Jack Palance, whose character just got killed] Alright, I'm out of the film. Yes!

Crow T. Robot:
[as Jack Palance] I crap bigger than this movie!

Mike Nelson:
Now, you see, you really undermine your authority when you put "Bud" right in the middle of your name.

Watney Smith:
Hi darling. You, uh, doing anything later?

Crow T. Robot:
[as the girl Watney's hitting on] Yeah, blowing you off.

Crow T. Robot:
[as Cabot's ring starts making noise] It's Commissioner Gordon calling.

Elder:
You've come to a land called Gor. Gor is a harsh world and she breeds harsh people.

Tom Servo:
But the rents are reasonable.

Tom Servo:
I worry about a superhero named Cabot who drives a Camero.

Crow T. Robot:
Sorry folks. We simply could not afford to have special effects.

Watney Smith:
What's hell's the matter with the car, Cabot? Keep it on the road.

Crow T. Robot:
It's just the stage hands rocking it.

Watney Smith:
Hey, are there any women on Koribon?

Tom Servo:
Yeah, and they'll reject you too.

Mike Nelson:
T.G.I Die-Day.

Tom Servo:
Open season on geriatrics?

Crow T. Robot:
[watching Cabot pound on an attacker's chest] Clear! Live dammit. C'mon.

Crow T. Robot:
Oh, please. Let's not have another vague scene.

Xenos:
We shall drink...

Tom Servo:
...the impossible drink.

Mike Nelson:
[regarding Cabot's fight the gladiators] That's not him. Good thing they brought his stunt double in.

Crow T. Robot:
Yeah, but he fights good. Too bad he wasn't the hero.

Tom Servo:
Italian actors pretending to be gay American cops.

Queen Lara:
You are wise, Xenos.

Mike Nelson:
[as Xenos] I live to serve you, your leginess.

Tom Servo:
[referring to Lara's seduction of Watney] Oh, Jeez. She's trying to sleep her way to the bottom.

Mike Nelson:
Fabio!

Tom Servo:
Fabio!

Crow:
Fabio!

Mike Nelson, Tom Servo, Crow:
We're Fabio!

Fingal:
I'M INTERFACED!

Tom Servo:
BFD!

Tom Servo:
Hey look, a midget Rabbi cowboy! Giddy aye oy veh!

Fat Man:
I have a communication for you.

Mike Nelson:
[as Fat Man] Bite me!

Mike Nelson:
[Starts snowing in movie] This is how much pure cocaine you'd need to enjoy this movie.

Mike Nelson:
[as a fat man pulls out a gun] Draw... me some butter.

Tom Servo:
[singing] You must remember this, this movie really sucks.

Mike Nelson:
I guess this movie was kinda like watching Casablanca... while having a small child use your groin as a punching bag.

Mike Nelson:
[an image of a large man circles in the sky] Really, REALLY Big Brother.

Tom Servo:
Someone turn off the fat rotating guy.

Crow:
Whoa, huge slam on anteaters out of nowhere!

Mike Nelson:
This movie just hates anteaters!

[Raul Julia's face appears in a large cube]

Tom Servo:
Hey guys, see I though he was Puerto Rican...

Mike Nelson:
[groaning, anticipating joke] Oh no, don't...

Tom Servo:
[giggling]... I didn't know he was CUBE-an.

[Raul Julia's face appears in a large cube]

Crow:
It's a Raulbiks cube.

Pearl Forrester:
Today's film is Overdrawn at the Memory Bank, starring the late Raul Julia, a very wonderful actor. What he was doing in this piece of s- [Is about to say "sh*t", but stalls] surely, very... quality, quality, film-making.

Tom Servo:
You make me tingle, Fingal. Fingal, are you single? Give me a jingle!

Mike Nelson:
I didn't want to bungle or bobble the Fingal dopple.

Fingal:
Okay, so it's my first dopple.

Mike Nelson:
I've only dabbled in dopples.

Tom Servo:
You need to tinkle Fingal? How about some Pringles, Fingal?

Appolonia James:
Electrons don't dance, Fingal. They don't make love.

Crow:
They're Lutherans.

Appolonia James:
Fingal!

Tom Servo:
I got spurs that jingle, jangle, jingle.

Appolonia James:
Can't lose you now.

Mike Nelson:
The energy surge gave her a new hairdo.

Appolonia James:
We never had a dance together.

Crow:
Well, we never bought a muffler together either. What's the point?

Tom Servo:
[voice of a waiter at a restaurant] It's because it's fly soup, sir.

Mike Nelson:
Is it Children of the Damned day at the brain institute?

Rick:
It's up to you.

Fingal:
It's okay, buddy, I can handle it.

Crow:
And what is the 'it' which is to him 'up' and which he can perhaps handle?

Mike Nelson:
Excuse me, were we supposed to do some readings for this movie?

Crow:
You know you want me, baby!

Tom Servo:
[as kids run amok around the patients with exposed brains] What is this "Children of the Damned" day at the brain institute?

Crow:
[referring an item on Appolonia's Venus costume] Uhm, that's poison oak on your naughty bits, Ma'am.

Tom Servo:
[as commandment stones fall from the sky into Fingal's hands] Here are some more commandments I forgot!

Fingal:
I'm so bored.

Tom Servo:
Okay, which one of us said that?

Fingal:
Maybe out there I have to take it, but not in here.

Mike Nelson:
[as Fingal] I'm going to get a Glock and mow all these people down!

Doctor:
Okay, let's make this short.

Crow:
Oh, why start now?

Mike Nelson:
You know, with this digital technology the suckiness comes through with great clarity.

Appolonia James:
We haven't even had a dance together.

Crow:
You never bought a muffler together, either. What's the point?

Crow:
You know what would have saved this movie? Surf music. Man, surf music makes *anything* good.

Fingal:
Appolonia, where are you!

Crow:
Gee, you think she might be sitting on her bony rear-end in that room with her hand to her ear?

Appolonia James:
Come on, Fingal...

Tom Servo:
Come on *what*?

Crow:
You know, my apathy is palpable at this point.

Appolonia James:
[Narrating] Fingal was my first dopple.

Mike Nelson:
I didn't want to bungle or bobble the Fingal dopple!

Fat Man:
Negative impact! Fingal's too curious! Girl's to eager to help!

Tom Servo:
[as chairman] Pork delivery's late!

Mike Nelson:
[Rick barricades the door preventing the Fat Man from entering] Oh, that'll stop the 400 pound guy that smells pancakes!

Crow:
So this is Public Television, huh? Suddenly I feel like beating the crap out of Fred Rogers.

Mike Nelson:
Now it's 'All About Eve'?

[the Fat Man walks into the Place]

Mike Nelson:
"All I Can Eat"? The joke's on them!

Crow:
Whoa, huge slam on anteaters right out of nowhere!

Mike Nelson:
Man, this film really has it in for anteaters.

[Starts snowing in movie]

Mike Nelson:
This is how much pure cocaine you'd need to enjoy this movie.

[as a fat man pulls out a gun]

Mike Nelson:
Draw... me some butter.

Crow:
Dr. Who... the hell cares.

Mike Nelson:
This movie was like watching Casablanca, while having a small child use your groin as a punching bag.

Operator:
Welcome and thank you for calling our award winning 24 hour technical support service for... "Overdrawn at the Memory Bank"... Please be prepared with a specific problem regarding... "Overdrawn at the Memory Bank"... in order to facilitate assistance from one of our skilled... "Overdrawn at the Memory Bank"... technicians.

Mike Nelson:
Oh yeah. I'm prepared for some specific problems about 'Overdrawn at the Memory Bank' alright, don't worry about that.

Overdrawn at the Memory Bank Technical Support Operator:
This is Mandy. How can I help you?

Mike Nelson:
Well, uh, first of all... lets see... tech support.

Overdrawn at the Memory Bank Technical Support Operator:
Sir, let me take care of some common troubleshooting possibilities right away. Are you in fact watching 'Overdrawn at the Memory Bank'?

Mike Nelson:
Yes. tech support...

Overdrawn at the Memory Bank Technical Support Operator:
We do find that people new to our 'Overdrawn at the Memory Bank' family viewers can make a simple mistake in actually be watching another movie. If that is the case, then we would urge you to call the appropriate technical support service for we are legally unable to provide support for other...

Mike Nelson:
Look, Look, were watching 'Overdrawn at the Memory Bank.' The credits are rolling right now.

Overdrawn at the Memory Bank Technical Support Operator:
So it's not complete yet?

Mike Nelson:
Well, No but I mean...

Overdrawn at the Memory Bank Technical Support Operator:
We strongly advise our customers to view the entire film. It's impossible for us to gauge the accuracy of any confusion or complaint...

Mike Nelson:
Look, how are the credits gonna help the fact that we have no idea what was going on with... anything... what was the "I'm interface" thing. What was the skinny woman doing when she was licking her watch?

Tom Servo:
Yeah.

Mike Nelson:
Hey, why the pinch mouth cockney creep and [in voice] "The guy just reverses the access code"... that was well crafted...

Overdrawn at the Memory Bank Technical Support Operator:
SIR!

Mike Nelson:
...and the music was the most insipid...

Tom Servo:
...banal...

Mike Nelson:
Banal noodling I've ever heard in my life.

Overdrawn at the Memory Bank Technical Support Operator:
Sir, those are unfortunate design flaws which we do acknowledge.

Mike Nelson:
Well, what can I do about it?

Overdrawn at the Memory Bank Technical Support Operator:
When did you Purchase your version of Overdrawn at the Memory Bank?

Mike Nelson:
...Uhh I didn't purchase it... I just ahh...

Overdrawn at the Memory Bank Technical Support Operator:
Ummph, so you are an unauthorized viewer of 'Overdrawn at the Memory Bank'? I am legally required to report this violation of all...

Tom Servo, Crow:
HANG UP!

Tom Servo:
[singing] You must remember this, my liver has been pierced.

Mike Nelson:
It's Winston Churchill's mobbed up brother Vito.

Mike Nelson:
Mike, my apathy is palpable at this point.

[we see a lobby with fancy planters and "Nirvana" written on the floor]

Crow:
[singing] Come as you are. To my mall. To my atrium!

[two men wearing hats run by]

Mike Nelson:
These guys were rejected from Men Without Hats.

Tom Servo:
Why? 'Cause they're really bad musicians?

Mike Nelson:
No, because they're wearing hats.

Tom Servo:
Oh, and the brims get in the way of reading music?

Mike Nelson:
No. Oh, just forget it! [one minute later]

Tom Servo:
[laughing] Oh, I get it! They're wearing hats!

Dr. Jameson:
This could prove to be interesting.

Mike Nelson:
But I doubt it.

Mike Nelson:
[a character is in a tree] A Separate Peace/Piece... of CRAP!

Crow T. Robot:
[as the clones happily, albeit sluggishly begin biking] Let's go film tampon commercials everybody!

Buffed Clone:
OK! 100... 99... [laughs orgasmically]... 98...

Tom Servo:
Yuck It's turning him on!

Mike Nelson:
[Richard the clone wanders the field easily lost in thought] Yeah! I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna start a band called Air Supply

Mike Nelson:
[Richard picks up the can of Old Milwaukee, confused... of course] The little bushman did not understand the significance of the can.

Tom Servo:
[as Tommy DeVito] Are you a clown? Do you amuse me?

Mike Nelson:
Now let's put out our flaming crotches and we'll find your nose.

Tommy:
Trumpy. You can do magic.

Crow T. Robot:
It's called "evil", kid.

Joel:
Oh, great, we were saved by the Gates of Hell.

Tom Servo:
Say, what is it about the Gates of Hell that makes people want to wander into them?

[as the camera stalks a guy who had just smashed some giant eggs]

Tom Servo:
BAWK! BAWK! BAWK! CLUCK! CLUCK!

Joel:
Pod People got no reason to live.

Joel:
Trumpy, you can do stupid things!

[repeated lines]

Tom Servo:
Chief?

Crow T. Robot:
McCloud!

Tom Servo:
Oh no, I stepped in some Trumpy dumpy.

Tom Servo:
I'm doing one man show; Leslie Nielsen, Leslie Nielsen, Leslie Nielsen.

Tommy:
Trumpy, I told you to stay outside. Nobody must see you.

Tom Servo:
He doesn't speak your language dickweed!

Crow T. Robot:
[when people start to leave the room with the dead woman] Come on breakfast is getting cold and she isn't any warmer.

Tommy:
Trumpy you can do magic!

Crow T. Robot:
[Trumpy turns around to face the audience with eyes glowing] It's called evil kid.

Tom Servo:
Hey he's got his high beams on!

Tommy:
You know sooner or later mommy's going to notice all this food disappearing.

Tom Servo:
Then you'll have to kill her!

Tommy:
[after Tommy puts the lid back on the jar of peanuts] These we'll put away for later.

Crow T. Robot:
[impersonating Trumpy] No more.

Tommy:
Now we can play.

Crow T. Robot:
Like hell! More food!

Tommy:
Do you know what play is Trumpy. [Trumpy shakes his head] Well what do you know?

Crow T. Robot:
Food, eating, the theater!

Phantom of Krankor:
Each of you will enter a space capsule...

Scinetist:
What?

Tom Servo:
Oh, for crying out loud! [shouts] Each of you will enter a space capsule!

Crow T. Robot:
Chickens are a cruel people.

Scientist:
Prince of Space!

Tom Servo:
No, it's Michael Jeter. OF COURSE IT'S PRINCE OF SPACE!

[a man on an airplane picks up a photo that the man next to him dropped]

Passenger:
Doctor? I think you dropped this photograph.

Doctor:
Oh, thank you!

Passenger:
[smiling creepily] That's your sister, isn't it? She'd never forgive you if you lost it.

Mike Nelson:
[as doctor] Yeah, uh... don't talk to me anymore, alright?

Mike Nelson:
[about the pudgy giant guardian] Ugh, it's like a turnip with features.

Phantom of Krankor:
This is my giant guardian. He obeys my slightest command!

Crow T. Robot:
Like, "wander around aimlessly and gain weight."

Crow T. Robot:
[as Krankor] Ah hah! Somebody left a perfectly good refrigerator over there! Haah! Haah! Haah!

Mike Nelson:
More squid eyes?

Phantom of Krankor:
People of Earth...

Tom Servo:
...Ba-cock!

Crow T. Robot:
Twenty thousand leagues above the sea.

Tom Servo:
[as Gladys Kravitz] Abner, come look!

[Krankor's palace blows up]

Crow T. Robot:
And a proud noble civilization dies out... sometimes. This loser civilization, however, will not be missed.

Crow T. Robot:
I am the lemon zester of destruction.

Krankor:
My monster obeys my every command.

Crow:
Like wander around aimlessly and gain weight.

Baydool:
My name is Baydool.

Crow T. Robot:
No, wait, that's my intestinal condition.

Baydool:
Can you say "Baydool"?

Pearl Forrester:
Let me try. "Get bent". No, I guess I can't.

Pearl Forrester:
The credits keep on rolling throughout the movie!

Lord Vultair:
It seems...

Mike Nelson:
Chilly in here, could you turn down your guy?

Tom Servo:
Hey, Alanis Morrisette is in prison!

Mike Nelson:
Finally.

Mike Nelson:
Wench-jacking was a big problem in the Middle Ages.

Narrator:
From the land comes life.

Pearl Forrester:
And fat-free goodness!

Baydool:
There's always food on the table.

Crow T. Robot:
And food in my beard.

Baydool:
Would you like some food?

Tom Servo:
I would, but what's that crap you're holding up?

[Baydool comes out holding a chamber pot]

Pearl Forrester:
Eww, wizard wiz!

Crow T. Robot:
He drained the wizard!

Baydool:
You're no longer a slave. Do you understand?

Crow T. Robot:
You're the hostage of a madman!

Baydool:
All is well.

Tom Servo:
Oh yeah, I got bought by a beard-wearing psycho, I had half a can of pee thrown at me, yeah, things are great.

Pearl Forrester:
Okay, Nelson, time for your semi-annual check-up. So... [readies clipboard] How are you feeling these days?

Mike Nelson:
Doing very well these days, Pearl. Thank you.

Pearl Forrester:
No physical pain anywhere? No mental anguish? No vague feelings of unease? Poor sleep? Crying jags, hives, corns?

Mike Nelson:
No. Well, I was a bit upset a few days ago when I lost some shiny bottle-caps that I quite liked, but, I found 'em and ever since it's been damn good times. I'm feeling very very happy and I never felt healthier. I have a good life. Thank you!

Pearl Forrester:
*Why?* What is *wrong* with you? I work my fingers to the bone trying to make you miserable and you have the insensitivity to tell me you're *happy?*

Brain Guy:
You know, Pearl, it might behoove you to reevaluate the experiment itself. As a wise old Observer once said, to constantly repeat the same action and expect a variant reaction is surely a sign of madness. [Pearl punches him in the face]

Pearl Forrester:
Then why do you keep mouthing off to me? You get the same reaction every time.

Tom Servo:
Hey, what happened to Crow there?

Mike Nelson:
Oh he went outside to check the ships gutters, the ratio kicked up and he got caught in a freak hailstorm.

Tom Servo:
Sure is the season for 'em, huh?

Mike Nelson:
Yeah, about three grand in hail damage, uh, it's gonna be about three weeks in the shop, but Gyps gave me a loaner Crow. [smoking rattling loaner Crow shows up]

Tom Servo:
Cool. Hey, it's that old AMC Crow that Gypsy's been tinkering with for years.

Loaner Crow:
Hey guys, are there things that are happening?

Tom Servo:
He must be running rich.

Mike Nelson:
Yeah, well, I'll flip his air filter cover over and uh, he should be fine.

Tom Servo:
Check it out, he's got a killer radio!

Mike Nelson:
Oh wow, cool. [turns on radio]

Loaner Crow:
Later we'll take stuff and do it, right?

Outlaw:
[muffled] There's to be no talking by Prince Jaamteer's command.

Crow T. Robot:
Well, tell Prince Jumpjugs I'm sorry.

Leonardo:
What are you doing?

Tom Servo:
Trying to obey Prince Jumpjugs.

Tee:
When in doubt, rest.

Crow T. Robot:
You are full of crap beyond your years, kid.

Leonardo:
Come on, Tee. Besides being a pretty good artist, I'm *great* with maps, so how about it?

Mike Nelson:
How great can you really be at *maps*?

Crow T. Robot:
It's like being good at eating cereal.

[the camera zooms in on a female character with a pensive look on her face. Mike and the Bots start making gunfire and explosion noises]

Crow T. Robot:
Marines, we are leaving!

[camera cuts back]

Mike Nelson:
Sorry, I was back in Da Nang there.

Crow T. Robot:
I'm being turned on by a woman who is long dead!

[the title of the short is "Are You Ready For Marriage?"]

Mike Nelson:
Uh, yeah, sure. I'm sick of sex, anyway.

Crow T. Robot:
It's probably that nosy Mrs. Kravitz.

[during the screening of "Night Train to Mundo Fine"]

Crow T. Robot:
Well, they sure aren't wasting any precious screen time on the *plot*!

[watching Night Train to Mundo Fine]

Crow T. Robot:
Nothing's happening *so* fast!

[watching Night Train to Mundo Fine]

Crow T. Robot:
[as Griffin] If I get any happier, I might just *kill* myself!

Mike Nelson:
You know, your everyday annoyances should *not be filmed*!

Crow T. Robot:
Those sure were some tasty frog legs, huh?

[a gigantic jump cut occurs early on in the movie]

Crow T. Robot:
Whoops! There we go again.

Mike Nelson:
[as John Carradine] How does that fit ya, fancy pants?

[about John Carradine]

Crow T. Robot:
Is he *always* 100 years old?

Mike Nelson:
[as police search dog] [sniffs] It smells like Coleman Francis in here!

[referring to Griffin, Cook and Landis]

Crow T. Robot:
Remember when everyone used to dress up like these guys?

Crow T. Robot:
Well, aside from the fact that I might never be able to experience joy again, I didn't think this movie was that bad.

Crow T. Robot:
I want to hurt this movie but I can never hurt it in the ways that it has hurt me.

[as Castro, writing a note]

Mike Nelson:
Get real beard.

[Griffin, played by director Coleman Francis, is taken captive by Cuban soldiers]

Mike Nelson:
[as Cuban soldier] The Yankees will pay highly for you, Se?or Francis.

[as the Bay of Pigs invasion occurs off-screen]

Griffin:
Bay of Pigs.

Tom Servo:
[as Griffin] That's what they say when I go swimming.

[a small handful of mercenaries are storming the beaches of Cuba]

Mike Nelson:
Man, can you imagine being Castro and seeing that force swarming up at you?

Cook:
My name's Cook. That's Landis. We been up the river.

[Cook laughs oddly]

Mike Nelson:
[as Cook] That's my little joke.

[the incredibly ugly Cherokee Jack is introduced]

Mike Nelson:
Ah, another Hollywood pretty boy.

Crow T. Robot:
Take a long second and get used to this face.

[Upon seeing Coleman Francis in "Red Zone Cuba"]

Mike Nelson:
Coleman Francis is Curly Howard in "The Fugitive".

Crow:
[as Curly] Hey, Moe.

Tom Servo:
I see the movie has finally thrown up its hands and said, "I just don't know."

Crow T. Robot:
John Carradine makes Keith Richards look dewy.

Mike Nelson:
There's endless march music in the background!

Tom Servo:
[Explosives go off in the lagoon] Ah yes, the Charlton Heston Fish Locator.

Tom Servo:
Man, that poor slimy creature in love with that beautiful woman.

Mike Nelson:
Yeah, I feel bad for the Gill Man too.

Lou Gibson:
Pull the pin Lucas.

Crow T. Robot:
No don't pull the pin, he'll blow up!

[the Gill Man is brought into Ocean Harbor]

Mike Nelson:
Did it even occur to them to check for a zipper?

[the Gill Man is being revived]

Crow T. Robot:
Just flush him!

Leonard Driscoll:
[narrating] Federal Agent Sam Casey. Born April 16, 1958. New York City, New York. Received Juris Doctor degree from Harvard Law School, 1983.

Mike Nelson:
Under "Operation: Admit the Dumb".

Mike Nelson:
[sung to a country tune] Let's keep America for Americans and send all the Indians back to Africa!

Mike Nelson:
Peter Fonda is Richard Petty in "The Marcel Marceau Story".

[a couple of thugs have just attacked Dr. Hale in the parking lot]

Sam Casey:
Listen, you got any idea who those turkeys were?

Crow T. Robot:
[as Casey] Were they butterballs?

Dr. Hale:
We'll get to that after the meeting.

Tom Servo:
[as Hale] We'll have a turkey update.

Leonard Driscoll:
Sam! Get back here! You're as elusive as Robert Denby!

Mike Nelson:
[laughs] Who?

Mike Nelson:
[as Sam Casey] I seek Robert Denby. I need to find out why I was considered as elusive as him.

Robert Denby:
Having a little trouble with your ethics, Leonard?

Leonard Driscoll:
None, turkey!

Tom Servo:
[as Denby] Well, sit on it, you nerd!

[as the end credits roll, there is a credit for "story consultant"]

Crow T. Robot:
[stunned] Story consultant?

Tom Servo:
[as story consultant] Yes, I advise you to hire the most annoying cracker you can find and then slam together two incomprehensible plotlines.

[Sam Casey is taking a long time to get to his destination]

Tom Servo:
Day 3 of his forty-mile trip.

[according to the end credits, the movie was based on a book by H.G. Wells]

Tom Servo:
Not *the* H.G. Wells. Hud Gomer Wells.

Sam Casey:
I'm coming up on your mudflaps at sixty-seven.

Crow T. Robot:
"Coming up on your mudflaps." People have such cute names for sex.

Mike Nelson:
My well-oiled chassis is coming up on your backside now.

Tom Servo:
My rigid grill structure is bearing down on your unprotected cargo door.

Crow T. Robot:
My oft-complimented Peterbilt is rhythmically nudging that... sweet honeypot of yours.

Mike Nelson:
CROW!

Sam Casey:
Yeah, but then one man's meat is another man's poison

Mike Nelson:
Turkey meat that is...

Crow T. Robot:
Let's go to the turkey database...

Tom Servo:
www.gobble.com

Mike Nelson:
He calls me Sister Woman, I call him Big Daddy

Tom Servo:
Hold me closer, Tiny Death!

Leonard Driscoll:
It was rented out last night to a man named Luther Stark

Sam Casey:
Luther Stark?

Mike Nelson:
Of the Stark Nakeds?

Crow T. Robot:
See, crackers and hicks *can* get along...

Joel Robinson (Joel Hodgson):
I take this ordinary day-glo barium meatball... and eat it.

Joel Robinson (Joel Hodgson):
Graveyard... what a coincidence. Then they can bury the script in this.

Tom Servo (Kevin Murphy):
Graveyard of motion pictures comes Ring of Terror!

Narrator:
Some filled with happiness. Some filled with sorrow.

Joel Robinson (Joel Hodgson):
Some filled with a creamy nougat center.

Narrator:
Piuma! I didn't mean to step on you.

Tom Servo (Kevin Murphy):
I meant to KILL you.

Narrator:
Lewis B. Moffitt

Tom Servo (Kevin Murphy):
Sat on a toffitt.

Lewis Moffitt:
I gotta keep hitting the books.

Jerry Zin:
Betty might be at the cafeteria.

Tom Servo (Kevin Murphy):
Oh, I gotta keep hitting her too.

Tom Servo (Kevin Murphy):
See Dick. See Dick make a lateral incision.

Tiny:
I heard music was a fine form of exercise.

Tom Servo (Kevin Murphy):
Let's eat some.

Tom Servo (Kevin Murphy):
An interpretive dance showing how plate tectonics works.

Crow T. Robot (Trace Beaulieu):
Chortle. Chortle.

Lewis Moffitt:
Look, it's 10 minutes after 4.

Tom Servo (Kevin Murphy):
And I'm not even wearing a watch!

Lewis Moffitt:
That's right! The barbecue.

Tom Servo (Kevin Murphy):
They're gonna *eat* the body?

Crow T. Robot (Trace Beaulieu):
Ah, now where were we? I believe I had my tongue down your throat...

Dr. Forrester:
Well, Joel, today's film is a plotless little peccadillo called "Ring of Terror." It's about some of the oldest medical students in history. Chomp on it but don't choke!

[first lines]

Joel Robinson:
Hey, everybody, my name's Joel. I'm marooned up here in outer space. I'm all alone, except for the companionship of my two robot friends that I... are of my own design. There are two evil overlord scientists that are sending me horrendous films, but I can handle it because I'm a Hu-Man!

Joel Robinson:
[watching two men in space helmets] Which one of us is talking?

Crow:
In the future, all robots will act like Don Knotts.

[last lines]

Dr. Clayton Forrester:
I think you can file this, Larry... Until next time, Skippy Drawers.

Dr. Forrester:
Anyway, your film today is "Robot Monster". It's a classic film that was nominated for a Golden Turkey award for being one of the "fowlest" films ever! Hehe!

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
See, to call this film wretched would just be a insult to the word wretched! It stars no-one! Oh, man, you won't believe this!

TV's Frank:
Okay. Well Joel, you know if you're like me, when I think of the 70's, I think of one thing: Foosball! Woo-eeeyukaaeeee! So what we've done is taken the whole Foosball concept, and uh... We've caulked this, added water, and we've turned it into Water Polo. Woo!

Dr. Forrester:
That's right.

TV's Frank:
Yeah.

Dr. Forrester:
To provide hours of aquatic terror... Get that, Frank... with shark attacks...

TV's Frank:
I'm going to kill you! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die

Dr. Forrester:
...boat accidents, just like the kind of terror you're going to see in this film this week, Joel: The Phantom Creeps with Bela Lugosi. I've got you now, Frank.

TV's Frank:
And then after that, our main feature is called Rocket Attack USA. It's the feel-good film of the Cold War Era, a triumph of the human spirit! But now I'm going to kill you!

Dr. Forrester:
I have you now!

TV's Frank:
Die! Die! Die!

Dr. Forrester:
I just scored on you, Pauline Kale.

TV's Frank:
You are going to... Ahahah...

Dr. Forrester:
Endure the film, Joel, if you can.

TV's Frank:
I will kill you!

Harry Chamberlain:
The human body can withstand these accelerations, but it certainly was never meant to.

Crow T. Robot:
What did you expect? You're an astronaut, dickweed!

Crow T. Robot:
Uh, Houston we've got a problem. Lloyd's making moves on the babe, here.

Floyd (Lloyd Bridges):
[Moon visible out porthole] Don't underrate it. Moonlight's potent.

Lisa Van Horn:
You are speaking of its effect on men and women?

Tom Servo:
No, tree frogs.

Floyd (Lloyd Bridges):
On women. I don't need the stuff myself.

Lisa Van Horn:
Oh. You're immune?

Crow T. Robot:
[mimicking her accent] No, Ah'm Lloyd. That's the Myoon.

Crow T. Robot:
By this time my lungs were aching for air!

TV's Frank:
But as far as you space monkeys are concerned, I'm the new Marshall in town. That's right, I'm the god. I'm the god! [pause] May I take your order please?

Lisa Van Horn:
[looking out porthole at Earth] You know it's funny. One never thinks of the Earth that way, as a dying planet with nothing to give out but reflected light.

Joel Robinson:
Oh that is romantic. Think I'll go slit my wrists.

Dr. Fleming:
[defending the mission to reporters, after the RXM crash] It has proven that interstellar space travel is not only possible, but practical.

Crow T. Robot:
And enjoyable, for all members of the family! Oh there'll be carnage...

Prof. Orlof:
You know, I bet it was a butterfly attracted to the light, and that's all.

Crow T. Robot:
Or a tiny condor waiting for you to die.

[first lines]

Mike Nelson:
Well, hi, everyone. Mike Nelson here along with Crow and Servo aboard the Satellite of Love. I thought we'd start things a little differently. And why don't you join us as each in our own way we observe a moment of silence?

Tom Servo:
My soul is as smooth a baby's behind.

[last lines]

Dr. Clayton Forrester:
Could I ask you one thing before you go?

TV's Frank:
Sure.

Dr. Clayton Forrester:
Could you push the button, Frank?

TV's Frank:
Watch me rock.

Henchman:
We will not fail you again, Tundra.

Crow T. Robot:
That's Permefrost to you!

Dr. Forrester:
Goodbye Frank. And remember, wherever you are, I WILL KILL YOU!

[as a vampire woman attacks]

Tom Servo:
So, she comes, she sucks on your neck, you live forever, she's super-hot, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

Crow T. Robot:
The International Fight-Like-A-Girl Championship.

Dr. Forrester:
Wait! I can't imagine. I shan't! Because it isn't true! But it is! Oh, this sucks!

Dr. Forrester:
[music starts] Who'll be my guinea pig for my gene splicing? My fingernail transplants? My fajita? Who will I blame my mistakes on? Who will I... Who will I kill?

Dr. Forrester:
[singing] I've destroyed and I've maimed and I've kicked him Now I'm a bully with no victim No adrenaline thrill no screams that are shrill Who? Who will I kill? I've crushed his head a few times Memories like nursery rhymes No one died like my TV's Frank No sweet blood to distill No cute tummy to drill Who? Who will I kill? When I look upon the first evening star I remember when I hooked his liver to the engine of my car I could pickle my Aunt Lil Give my dog a cyanide pill But what Frank-shaped void could they possibly fill? Here's my money. You can bank it. I'm no good without my Frank; it Seems he could die Without batting an eye Now it seems I must take my own bitter pill Tell me who? Who will I kill?

[on seeing "dirty, long-haired hippie" William Sturtevant]

Mike Nelson:
Ohhhh, he's a made-for-TV hippie!

Tom Servo:
This is what lonely people did before sci-fi conventions.

[as the hippie]

Mike Nelson:
The answer, my friend, is "blow it out your ass."

Crow T. Robot:
Come on, kid, get your act together. Just read Catcher in the Rye and deal with it.

Crow T. Robot:
Increasingly paranoid, Santa's obsession with security begins to hinder everyday operations.

Crow:
It's an oscillating fan with an ear attached, PERIOD.

Tom Servo:
A pentagram, and reindeer laughing. YOU figure it out.

Crow T. Robot:
Well, at least he made the sleighs run on time.

Tom Servo:
Attica! Attica! Attica!

Crow T. Robot:
[Santa is reading letters] Dear Santa Claus: Please bring me a little brother.' Oh ho ho ho. Can do. Can do.

Tom Servo:
Oh God, here we go. The old "I could have been a dancer" story.

[singing]

Tom Servo:
It's the devil's theme, his stupid little song, even though he's the embodiment of evil he's still got a goofy song, in his tights he brings death, despair, destruction and disease, now let's all join him. Devil.

Crow T. Robot:
Ah, the classic battle between Evil and the narrator.

Mike Nelson:
You know, if seasonal holiday depression has a sound track, this is it.

Narrator:
[in film] Children from the USA...

Crow T. Robot:
...are too spoiled and lazy to help Santa!

[Joel and the bots sing "Let's Have A Patrick Swayze Christmas."]

Tom Servo:
[singing] Open up your heart and let the Patrick Swayze Christmas in.

Crow T. Robot:
[singing] We'll gather at the roadhouse with our next of kin.

Joel Robinson:
[singing] And Santa will be our regular Saturday night thing.

Tom Servo, Crow T. Robot, Joel Robinson:
[singing] We'll decorate our barstools and gather 'round and sing.

Tom Servo:
[singing] Oh, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas this year.

Crow T. Robot:
[singing] Or we'll tear your throat out and kick you in the ear.

Tom Servo:
Dial M for Martian.

Santa Claus:
We're going out the good ol' fashioned way with my reindeers!

Joel Robinson:
Guns a-blazin'!

Santa Claus:
Prancer and Dancer and Donder and Blitzen, and Vixen and Nixon!

Tom Servo:
Eh, yeah, so, what's in the pipe, Santa?

Joel:
What do you want for Christmas, Crow?

Crow T. Robot:
I wanna decide who lives and who dies!

Martian:
What is Christmas?

Joel:
It's a Christian holiday ruined by commercialism.

Tom Servo:
[singing along with the song "Hooray for Santa Claus"] S-A-T-A-N, I mean S-A-N-T-A. Hooray for Santy Claus.

Tom Servo:
Oh, good, risk the children's lives, Santa.

Andy Henderson:
Hi, Santa.

Crow T. Robot:
Get the hell out of my shop.

[Tom's poem, "A Child's Christmas in Space"]

Tom Servo:
It's quiet in the cold of our own little orbit, starless and Bible black. And as I look down on the big blue beam we would call home I think it so near, yet... oh, I wish on that star and I hope that in a little snow-covered house with a warm hearth and a loving family, maybe some kid is looking up tonight and wishing upon us. Oh, and how I hope sweet Santa will fly by tonight because if he does I'm gonna reach right out and hug that big guy. Oh, for the sound of hooves against the steel hull of the ship. Oh, to see the rosy face of Santa in the portal offering me a Coke and a smile...

[gradually gets more and more upset and hysterical]

Tom Servo:
...of course, his cheeks would be rosy because there's a vacuum out there, I mean Santa's heart would explode. But he wouldn't feel it because the capillaries in his brain would pop like little firecrackers...

Joel:
Tom...

Tom Servo:
...due to the blood boiling away in his face like pudding in a copper... OH THE HUMANITY.

Joel, Crow T. Robot:
Tom.

Tom Servo:
And his jolly old belly would start bubbling like a roasted marshmallow, eyes bulging and popping out... AND THE REINDEER - OH THE REINDEER. - keep floating like holiday floats and in turn exploding in a hail of blood and entrails. Prancer - BOOM. Dancer - BOOM.

Joel:
HEY.

Crow T. Robot:
Tom.

Joel:
Tom take it easy, Santa's gonna be okay, buddy.

Tom Servo:
You sure?

Joel:
Yeah, give him a little credit, okay?

Tom Servo:
Phew, what a relief.

Crow T. Robot:
Sorry, I was with... Mmm. Alright uh, okay. "A Christmas Editorial" by Crow T. Robot. Uh, I know I already said that. Um, okay. What's the big deal with Santa's elves, anyway? What happens to all those dumb, wooden trains and horses and cars? No... ever kid gets 'em. These are the kind of toys Grandma drags out at Christmas to decorate the house, which smells like her feet no matter how much Essence of Yuletide Lightbulb Rain Wash she uses. Uh, but I digress. Um, uh... No, these are the real misfit toys. They end up in Marshall Fields window displays and F.A.O. Schwarz catalogs or in overpriced little gift shops in Vermont or Door County, Wisconsin. Ahem. My, my message is for the elves. Gentlemen, what is the problem? Why don't we ever see you in front of a circuit board loading microchips into a Segavision with your little wooden hammers? Elf labor short? The good people of Macow are eager to take your prototypes and turn them into 100,000 knock-offs. Elves and Santa, take an example from the Keeblers. Now there's some fairies who know how to market! In closing uh, step out of the legend days, fellas, and join the century of the Pacific. Oh, and uh, Merry Christmas.

Tom Servo:
Leaktaker!

Crow T. Robot:
Dummy! Didn't you see that "Warning: Joe Estevez crossing" sign?

[during a scene in which Joe Estevez's character appears]

Crow T. Robot:
Hi, folks. You may be wondering if I'm Martin Sheen. Well, I'm not. Turns out I'm his vastly more talented but less appreciated brother. Thank you.

Brad Deville:
Zak, you still haven't figured it out yet, have you?

Crow:
We have. Can we go?

Brad:
Zak, Led Zeppelin was wrong, man.

Tom Servo:
Shut up.

Brad:
There is no stairway to heaven.

Tom Servo:
Zep is never wrong, man.

Brad:
An even if there was, you couldn't buy your way up there.

Mike Nelson:
Is SABBATH wrong too, man?

Mike Nelson:
[exasperated] You know, David Byrne was right: Heaven is a place WHERE NOTHING EVER HAPPENS!

[the Soultaker, disguised as Natalie's mother, peeks at her while she's undressing for a bath]

Crow T. Robot:
Eeeeww, I INSTANTLY need counseling.

[as the Soultaker steps off a bus]

Tom Servo:
Bus taker!

Crow T. Robot:
[the camera speeds down a highway] Where's David Byrne's head?

Tom Servo:
[as a soultaker, while the two soultakers are seen walking alongside a road] I'm sorry. I thought we had more gas.

Crow T. Robot:
[as the camera jumps closer to the soultakers] Hey, wait...

Crow T. Robot:
[the camera jumps even closer] Hey, hey, um, wait...

Crow T. Robot:
[as the camera shows an extreme closeup of Robert Z'dar's crotch] Eeeeeewwww, took my soul, right there.

Crow:
You know, it's just not death with dignity if there's an Estevez in the room.

[reading opening credits]

Tom Servo:
Hm, "story by" so there will be a story, that's encouraging.

Zak:
NATALIE. CAN YOU HEAR ME?

Mike Nelson:
No, she thinks you're saying "BWLABLILEE."

[Joe Estevez looks surprised]

Crow:
My nephew made Mighty ducks.

[after Space Mutiny finally ends]

Mike Nelson:
Boo! Boo!

Tom Servo:
Man, a retarded jellyfish could make a better movie than this!

Crow:
A severely impaired box turtle with a very busy schedule, just give him a camera for a day, he'd come up with something better than this.

Captain Devers:
[referring to another character] Sir, we both know there's only one man here who's capable of combat. A man who's had training, both physically and mentally.

Commander Jansen:
Alright.

Crow:
[as Jansen] Fetch me my warrior muumuu.

Wussy commander:
This is mutiny! This is treason! Which I warn you I must report!

Crow:
I just need to wet myself first!

Mc Pherson:
Gentlemen, it seems we are not all in agreement.

Mike Nelson:
I disagree!

David Ryder:
WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH.

Tom Servo:
Well, anyway, got that out of my system.

Mike Nelson:
You know, they shouldn't have set their phasers to "miss."

Tom Servo:
Ha ha, good, good. Back to the rusting septic system of this FUTURISTIC SPACESHIP!

Kalgan:
You have two choices.

Mike Nelson:
Soup or muffin.

Kalgan:
I'm going to use this laser on your teeth. It's similar to ancient dentistry, not that you'd know anything about that.

Tom Servo:
You're too stupid to know anything about dentistry.

Leena:
You bastard!

Mike Nelson:
How dare you insult my knowledge of ancient dentistry!

Crow:
[the macho names they invent for the films hero] Slab Bulkhead!

Tom Servo:
Fridge Largemeat!

Mike Nelson:
Punt Speedchunk!

Crow:
Butch Deadlift!

Crow:
Bold Bigflank!

Mike Nelson:
Splint Chesthair!

Mike Nelson:
Flint Ironstag!

Crow:
Bolt Vanderhuge!

Mike Nelson:
Thick McRunfast!

Crow:
Buff Drinklots!

Tom Servo:
Trunk Slamchest!

Crow:
Fist Rockbone!

Mike Nelson:
Stump Beefknob!

Tom Servo:
Smash Lampjaw!

Crow:
Punch Rockgroin!

Mike Nelson:
Buck Plankchest!

Crow:
Stump Chunkmen!

Tom Servo:
Dirk Hardpeck!

Mike Nelson:
Rip Steakface!

Tom Servo:
Crud Bonemeal!

Mike Nelson:
Brick Hardmeat!

Crow:
Rip Slabcheek!

Tom Servo:
Bob Johnson! No wait...

Mike Nelson:
Smoke Manmuscle!

Mike Nelson:
Big McLargeHuge!

Crow:
Here's a little free advice for the mutineers: Just stop and aim, you idiots!

Tom Servo:
Why is he so impossible to hit? Why do they keep on missing this slow, giant, white thing?

Mike Nelson:
Special effects by Industrial Light and Morons.

Mike Nelson:
Oh, good thing there's so much gravity in space.

Mike Nelson:
You know a lot of people have compared this scene to the climatic charriot scene from Ben-Hur? Yeah, they usually say, "Ben-Hur was really good! This movie totally sucks."

[Dave Ryder and Leah are chasing Kalgon in golf-carts]

Mike Nelson:
Put your helmet on, we'll be reaching speeds of *three*!

Kalgon:
[hearing the alarms] We're going in!

Tom Servo:
I clogged up the toilet, but we're going in!

Mike Nelson:
And our brave hero ROASTS the disabled man...

Tom Servo:
[in a straining voice as Kalgon grimaces] Come on, skull, pop out of my skin!

[Mystical chanting is heard in the background]

Mike Nelson:
So, we've got some Benedictine monks in the floorboards, unfortunately. We have set some traps with fresh bread and brandy though.

Crow:
I have a whole colony of people living in my beard.

Mike Nelson:
I don't know if this helps, but Ho Ho Ho.

Mike Nelson:
Don't get smart with me, ceiling!

David Ryder:
Listen, uh, I understand how you feel.

Tom Servo:
That's DOCTOR Listen Uh I Understand How You Feel!

Crow:
Oh, hey, Mike, uh, I'm a Bellerian.

Mike Nelson:
Sure looks that way, doesn't it?

Crow:
Yep. I just found out, and you know it's weird. It explains so much about me, about who I am, where I came from, what motivates me and such.

Mike Nelson:
Well, sure. I mean, you're a Bellerian.

Crow:
Yep. Why, don't I look like one, or--?

Mike Nelson:
No, sure. You do.

Crow:
I mean, I've got to be a Bellerian, otherwise I wouldn't be dressed like this. Gosh, am I a Bellerian? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I have to be. Yep, yep, I'm a Bellerian. Oh, hell, am I? I-- No, no, no, I am a Bellerian. I am. Mm-hm.

Commander Jansen:
My father and his father before him...

Mike Nelson:
Also taped wool to their faces.

[the camera pans over a character that died in the previous scene]

Mike Nelson:
Hey... Hey, she's dead! She died!

Tom Servo:
Wow...

Captain Devers:
Sir...

Crow:
I think it's very nice of you to give that dead woman another chance!

Mike Nelson:
Okay, look *alive,* everybod- Oh sorry, Susan...

Ryder:
It's gonna blow! It's gonna blow!

Tom Servo:
If the first few minutes are any indication, this whole movie's gonna blow!

Tom Servo:
[as Kalgan caresses a woman's chin] The electrolysis is working.

[first lines]

Mike Nelson:
Hey, everyone, welcome to the Satellite of Love. You know, since we are stuck in orbit over Ancient Rome, I thought it might be a good time to teach the 'bots a little something about history.

David Ryder:
Listen, lady!

Lea Jansen:
Doctor!

David Ryder:
Doctor!

Crow:
Doctor Lady!

[there's a party in the ship's bridge, which looks more like an office cubicle farm]

Mike Nelson:
Alright, we just got ISO 9001 certified!

[Actors from the movie chase one another in the Enforcers]

Mike Nelson:
Hey you know, I read that this scene is often compared to the chariot scene from "Ben-Hur."

Tom Servo:
Oh really?

Mike Nelson:
Yeah, they usually say, ""Ben-Hur" was really good. This movie totally sucked."

Tom Servo:
[Kalgan runs over Lea Jansen] *That* was for not knowing anything about ancient dentistry!

[a chase scene ensues on lethargic go-karts]

Mike Nelson:
Put your helmet on; we'll be reaching speeds of 3.

[as a character drives off in a tiny cart]

Crow:
Herve Villechaize's death car.

Tom Servo:
We've got some more 'Eraserhead' chicken.

Mike Nelson:
Hi, folks. Mike Nelson here. Crow and Servo are about to help me with the annual Satellite of Love safety check. You guys ready?

Crow T. Robot:
Roger.

Tom Servo:
Ramjet.

Mike Nelson:
Fire extinguisher?

Tom Servo:
Empty.

Crow T. Robot:
Shot it off in your face. Next.

Mike Nelson:
Okay. Flare gun?

Tom Servo:
Did it.

Crow T. Robot:
Shot it off in your face. Next.

Mike Nelson:
First aid kit?

Tom Servo:
Used it to treat your flare burns.

Mike Nelson:
Right. Parachute?

Crow T. Robot:
Gym class.

Mike Nelson:
Life vest?

Tom Servo:
Faulty.

Mike Nelson:
Ham radio?

Crow T. Robot:
Mistook it for an actual ham.

Mike Nelson:
There, the Satellite of Love is completely unsafe. Hey, does anything work?

Tom Servo:
Yeah, the toaster over. We used it to bake the ham radio. Mmmm.

Mike Nelson:
Oh, OK, well then. We're dead. We'll be right back

Crow T. Robot:
Come on, Mike, we're gonna go stick our heads in the towel dispenser.

Tom Servo:
Weeee.

Tom Servo:
C'mon! No one's that southern.

Mike Nelson:
I'm gonna Willem Dafoe all over you!

[during a space battle]

Tom Servo:
They must've spent tens of dollars on this.

[first lines]

Joel Robinson:
[to Crow and Tom Servo] Oh, what are you guys doing? You're supposed to be helping me crunch numbers for that navigational plot thing.

[last lines]

TV's Frank:
Shh! I'm watching me on the U-View. Michelle Pfeiffer and I have just had a fabulous date. We flew over to Paris on the Concorde for a late-night dinner on the Left Bank. I drove the plane for awhile. What's happening? I'm dropping Michelle off at her place? She's motioning for me to come into her place? Yes, Frank! All right, whoo! You old dog, you. Wait a minute. What am I doing? I'm looking at my watch? I'm pulling a TV Guide out from my back pocket? I'm looking at the listings? I'm telling Michelle I can't stay 'cause I have to be home in time for "Baywatch"? What the hell are you thinking? Stupid idiot! Oh, push the button, Frank.

Crow T. Robot:
This must be 'Children of Paradise' all of a sudden.

Crow T. Robot:
[during teenage crime wave] Go ahead, let it out. Have a teenage cry wave

Crow T. Robot:
[referring to the car crash sound effects] Ha! He crashed, then shot himself.

Mike Nelson:
[while the 'Yipe Stripes' instrumental plays in the background in the teen hang out] Would someone shut that music off? It's driving me crazy!

Tom Servo:
Is this love or just rough sex with Michael Douglas?

Tom Servo:
[when the Fast Backs first show up in jail and the cop comes into the room to break up the arguement] Bored straight.

[first lines]

Mike Nelson:
[on the telephone] You see, I don't know what my area code is 'cause I'm up in the Milky Way for cryin' out loud.

[last lines]

Dr. Clayton Forrester:
Oh, good one, Mike. Frank was swaying to your little song there and got sick. How sick? That's your dinner for the next three weeks, Frank.

Tom Servo:
Oh! Forbidden love is the Best!

Crow T. Robot:
[killer pulls Ann down behind a fence to choke her to death] Splender In The Grass 2: Dream Warrior!

Tom Servo:
[Betty screams] Hey, Would you keep it down? I'm trying to strangle someone here!

[watching the grotesquely inhumane short "Catching Trouble"]

Crow T. Robot:
Joel, do people do this on Earth?

Tom Servo:
Yeah, Joel, isn't this wrong?

Joel:
Yeah, guys. I'm really ashamed of my race right now.

[Joel turns to the viewers at home]

Joel:
We'd just like to apologize to everyone everywhere for this...

Crow T. Robot:
You know Joel, that old grandpa guy sure was nice to the teenager from outer space by letting him stay in the apartment without having him pay a rent until he got work. A real life Landlord would never do that.

Tom Servo:
Why yes, things that happen in the movies are different from what happens in real life.

Joel:
Right tom, so from our "Look at the Lighter Side Department," we'd like to introduce a new segment called Reel to Real. Check it out, move aside, guys. In reel life...

Tom Servo:
You are offered free room and board until you can pay off your rent.

Joel:
And in real life...

Crow T. Robot:
If your are late with one payment, your room is padlocked, and you end up living in a refridgerator box.

Joel:
In reel life...

Tom Servo:
Your roomate is a beautiful woman, who fills your life with afternoon swims, moonlit drives, and the promise of romance.

Joel:
And in real life...

Crow T. Robot:
Your roomate is a stinky high school dropout, who fills your life with lice, crusty socks, and burnt cans of spaghettio's.

Joel:
In reel life...

Tom Servo:
Your landlord is a rosy-cheeked, cheerful old man.

Joel:
And in real life...

Crow T. Robot:
Your landlord is a butane addict, who sneaks into your room, and searches through your underwear drawer.

Joel:
In reel life...

Tom Servo:
There is a big fat drunk guy sleeping on your couch.

Joel:
And in real life...

Crow T. Robot:
There is a big fat drunk guy sleeping on your couch.

Tom Servo:
Gummy Bears, gummy bears don't spread darkness and death!... Do they?

Tom Servo:
[as Henry Hill] Ever since I was a kid, I always wanted to be a spaceman.

[the characters enter a movie theater]

Crow:
So now we gotta watch people watching a movie? What's *that* about?

Mike Nelson:
[character in the movie walks by a man trying in vain to hide] Hey, Dave.

Crow:
I am not Dave! I am a simple fern!

Tom Servo:
These random scenes simply abut each other to form a movie.

Mike Nelson:
[Victor staggers from the boat to the house] I'm glad they showed us all this 'cause I was wondering how he was going to get from the boat to the house.

Mike Nelson:
This here is the kind of texture that other movies leave out.

Crow:
Yeah, those other movies are often referred to as "good" movies.

Tom Servo:
Say, what have you been doing since the movie, Glen?

Glen Manning:
Uh, you know, bit-parts. Mr. Clean, Green Giant... that kinda thing. Excuse me for a second. [picks up a cow and eats it] You know, I really thought that part in Time Bandits was gonna kick it loose for me! I thought that was gonna make me! But, no... you know, I can't even get back in Vegas anymore! Vegas! Blackballed... can't get in...

Tom Servo:
Well, you didn't exactly charm the pants off them last time you were in Las Vegas, Glen!

Glen Manning:
You think I'm a freak, don't you! [grab and rocks the sattelite]

Tom Servo:
Uh-oh.

Crow T. Robot:
Way to go Servo!

Joel Robinson:
Oh, everyone hold on to something!

Glen Manning:
That's right, I'm a freak! I look like Peter Garrett, I dress like Maude, for God's sake! And I eat live-stock by the hand-fulls! I bet you just wanna run home and tell all your buddies about the half-naked circus freak, don't you sergeant! That's right, everybody take a big steamy look at the circus freak! Hahaha!

[after 50-foot tall Glenn Manning storms out of a picnic with his fianc?e, Dr. Linstrom somehow appears next to her]

Crow T. Robot:
Have you seen Glenn?

Glenn Manning:
I just don't want to grow anymore.

Joel Robinson:
I'm a Toys R Us kid.

Glenn Manning:
I DON'T WANT TO GROW ANYMORE!

Joel Robinson:
I'M A TOYS R US KID!

Tom Servo:
The snack bar will be closing in ten minutes. Robert Peterson, pick up your free pizza...

Reverend:
George wanted to go to the funeral...

Crow:
But Baywatch was on.

Mike Nelson:
[during a freeze frame close-up] The 400 Blows.

Mike Nelson:
Wow. What movie is this. nothing's happening. I think maybe we should call the Mads, what do you think?

Tom Servo:
Well, I guess I wouldn't advise it.

Crow T. Robot:
Yeah, why get them involved.

Mike Nelson:
I mean I think we should just call the Mads.

Dr. Forrester:
[Forrester is exercising and singing] Frank, I could not stop picking at that pan of lemon bars. I ate half the pan. You're so lucky, you could eat anything and not worry.

TV's Frank:
[Frank enters wearing a bathrobe and has his face covered with a beauty mask, eating ice cream, and reading a TV Guide] Oh, I would give anything to have that complexion of yours. Hey, wow! "Vicki" is on!

[Mike and the bots look shocked]

Dr. Forrester:
You know, Frank. This is exactly what I wanted to do today. Just have the whole day to ourselves.

TV's Frank:
I'm declaring this "National Our Day." Please, do not let me eat all of this.

Dr. Forrester:
Well I shouldn't.

[Looks up and notices Mike and bots are watching, then runs back to the couch]

Dr. Forrester:
Oh my god, Frank switch on a game, switch on a game!

[Crow and Tom looking open mouthed in horror. Crow's mouth is so wide that Mike closes it up]

Mike Nelson:
So, I guess we can call the Mads. You know what. I don't think we should do that again. We'll be right back.

Bob 'Moon' Mooney:
Get in touch with Morrissey, and...

Crow T. Robot:
Tell him to stop crying.

Crow T. Robot:
[Eddy, smoking, embraces Helen] Let's create this scene from 'Videodrome'.

Eddy Crane:
You call that singing? That was nothing.

Joel Robinson:
I was belching.

Eddy Crane:
[singing] Anything is better...

Joel Robinson:
[singing along]... than this crap...

Gypsy:
[runs screaming from Crow: hides behind Joel]

Crow T. Robot:
[brandishing a knife] Where'd she go man, where'd she go?

Joel Robinson:
Crow, put that knife away, you're scaring Gypsy!

Crow T. Robot:
I did it for you, Eddie!

Joel Robinson:
Oh great, he's in moon mode again.

Crow T. Robot:
That's right: I'm gonna moon you man, I'm gonna moon you!

Tom Servo:
That's gonna be tough because you really don't have a heinder to speak of. [snickers]

Crow T. Robot:
That's it, that's it! [stabs Tom]

Tom Servo:
[collapses over table] Take... care of my turtle...

Joel Robinson:
I will, Tommy.

Tom Servo:
Stop my milk delivery...

Joel Robinson:
OK, I'll do it.

Tom Servo:
Pick up my mail, cancel my subscription to National Review...

Joel Robinson:
[amused] OK.

Tom Servo:
Continue... to tape... Baywatch for me...

Joel Robinson:
All right.

Tom Servo:
Take my step-aerobics class... every Tuesday...

Joel Robinson:
I AM IRON MAN.

Tom Servo:
[mocking doctor] Hey, c'mere... look at this brain... it just won't die!

Tom Servo:
Hi! I'm Casey Casem. This one goes out to a heart-sick lover with a severed head!

Scientist in movie:
You're trying to play God...

Tom Servo:
Tag! You're God!

Docter:
There are ways.

Tom Servo:
MWAHAHAHA!

Docter:
There are ways.

Mike Nelson:
Lots of ways, many ways, did I mention there are ways?

Crow T. Robot:
*Ways*!

[about the severed head in the baking pan]

Tom Servo:
Well, somebody's got a chip on her shoul...

Crow T. Robot:
D'oh! This operation's gonna cost an arm and a le...

Tom Servo:
Zing!

[during a shot of a "Winding Road" street sign]

Mike Nelson:
Hey, that was my prom theme!

Scientist in movie:
What's done is done and what I've done is right... it's the work of science.

Crow T. Robot:
Science? I thought you said pizza.

Tom Servo:
[as Jan] You just had to go fast, didn't you? Well look, Mr. Big Shot, now I don't have a body anymore. Are you happy?

Mike Nelson:
[watching the Doctor run through the woods with his wife's severed head] He's either gonna win the Nobel Prize or the Heissman Trophy!

Crow T. Robot:
Et Tu, Brute Man?

Mr. Haskins:
I know! So he's The Creeper. Well you just creep along with that -I mean, hurry up with that stuff! And then get back and do the rest of your work

Crow T. Robot:
Dear God! I hate you! I hope you die!

[Mr. Haskins looks the front page of a newspaper]

Crow T. Robot:
God is Dead? GOOD!

Mike Nelson:
Producers Releasing Corporation reminding you - Don't fear the Creeper!

Dr. Forrester:
Well, our burnt offering this week, Joel, is a little scientific nugget called "The Corpse Vanishes".

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
It features Bela Lugosi stewing in his own mediocrity.

[a recurring theme when Commander Cody takes off]

Tom Servo:
Nipple nipple tweak tweak fly fly fly!

Minister:
...til death do you part?

Bride:
I do. [she collapses]

Crow T. Robot:
Nice dive.

Tom Servo:
You may now bury the bride.

Tom Servo:
Whip him. Whip your hunchback.

Tom Servo:
[referring to Lorenz's wife] You've been injecting her with young and pretty, now he should start injecting her with smart and nice.

[Last lines]

Dr. Forrester:
Well, bye for now, my little space biscuit.

Dr. Foster:
It's possible they may still be alive.

Patricia:
Alive in a cataleptic state?

Tom Servo:
Iowa?

[Fake wedding begins. Tom and Crow start to sob]

Joel Hodgson:
Hey, come on. It's not a real wedding, you guys. Don't cry.

Crow T. Robot:
We know. It's the script that's upsetting us.

Joel:
Well, I guess it's time for you guys to start experimenting on us again.

Dr. Forrester:
I'll tell you when it's time to do the movie, you squinty-eyed space chimp!

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
Uh, Clay...

Dr. Forrester:
What?

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
It is time.

Dr. Forrester:
Oh. Yeah, I...

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
Nice insult though.

Dr. Forrester:
I knew that. Thank you. Well, it's a real stinkburger of a film this week, Joel. It's called "The Crawling Eye."

Tom Servo:
[asked to say a good and bag thing about the crawling eye] All right. Okay, let's see. The good thing was that we didn't have to watch them clean up the vitreous humour all over from the eyes exploding. Okay, imagine, you sign up that day for Kelly Temps - Trollenberg office, of course. They give you a leaky bucket and a turkey baster and send you up the mountain... Now you're on cleanup crew!

Joel:
And the bad thing?

Tom Servo:
Well, the bad thing was, uh, the movie? It was ambitious, but it lacked vision.

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
[on the movie] It's got a lame audio, it's in black and white, and worst of all it stars Forest Tucker.

Dr. Forrester:
Hmm Good name, bad actor.

Hiker:
His head! It was torn off!

Tom Servo:
You say that like it's a bad thing.

Crow T. Robot:
Joel, I think we've already spent more time examining this plot than the writers ever did.

Tom Servo:
[speaking as the train conductor] Trollenberg, home of the Crawling Eye. All stops lead to a bloody death.

Joel:
[speaking as the mountain as Anne Pilgrim stares blankly at it from the train] I am Mount Svengali. You will do as I say.

Dr. Forrester:
It's time we sent you our experimental nugget this week, Joel. Now, human underarm perspiration is something that happens to everyone after they go through puberty... which, I assume, includes you, Joel.

[they chuckle]

Dr. Forrester:
When's the last time you saw a dog sweat? Larry? Erhardt: Never!

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
Never!

Dr. Forrester:
Exactly! And why is that?

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
Dogs don't sweat, that's why.

Dr. Forrester:
Exactly! Because of the dog's pineal gland. Nature's own canine antiperspirant. Now. You take the pineal gland, and you make a serum. You get a dog, it doesn't matter what kind of dog, and you inject that serum into a human subject. In this case,

[Lawrence is about to speak]

Dr. Forrester:
Larry!

Tom Servo:
I'm Popeye the sailor man; I've got a guy's head in my hand

Tom Servo:
[during the crawling hand] Gotta hand it to him.

Crow T. Robot:
He went out on a limb with that one.

Joel:
Thank goodness he brought that freezer wrap.

Tom Servo:
Actually I think it's a handbag.

[Crow and Joel groan]

[watching "The Creeping Terror", in which no one will run away from a slow walking monster]

Mike Nelson:
Did anyone know how to run in the '50s?

[while watching "The Creeping Terror, nothing's happening]

Tom Servo:
Now we need a narrator, but he clams up; what's going on?

[while watching the lead actor of "The Creeping Terror"]

Mike Nelson:
Whoa, almost showed an emotion there.

Narrator:
Within the hour, Martin's call was answered by a special unit.

Tom Servo:
We're the special unit... HELLO!

Mike Nelson:
Oh come on. I think we can be in a coffeehouse without becoming pretentious.

Tom Servo:
Sure, don't worry Mike. We'll just sit here and prove 'em wrong.

Crow T. Robot:
I don't feel a thing.

Gypsy:
Yeah it's definitely not working.

Crow T. Robot:
[after pause] I've been recording my life in pastels!

Tom Servo:
The only question is "What have I been going through right now?"

Gypsy:
You, the white male, are my personal oppressor!

Tom Servo:
Well it IS creeping. Gotta give it that.

Tom Servo:
Well, I don't understand it. So let's start shootin'.

Narrator:
On a hunch, Martin decided to see for himself if the monster was still there. It was.

Tom Servo:
Case closed.

Tom Servo:
Oh no they're about to be attacked by a point of view shot!

Tom Servo:
If my deepest, darkest despair had choreography, THIS would be it.

Mike Nelson:
Apparently just hoping it'd go away didn't really work.

Narrator:
Now Bradford made a drastic move.

Crow T. Robot:
He GESTURED.

Mike Nelson:
[In response to the creature's "eating" method"] Hey, if you wanna help me out by climbin' in?

Tom Servo:
[During the "Here Comes the Circus!" short, when the clowns dressed in white are coming out] Everyone make way for the Klu Klux Clowns!

Mr. Krasker:
The problem with communicating with the departed...

Tom Servo:
Is that they're dead.

Crow T. Robot:
Dial M for Mundane.

Tom Servo:
Sam, I said no witchcraft!

[at the end of "The Deadly Bees"]

Crow:
Well, so what do you suppose the message was for this movie? Oh, wait, I know ? Don't See It!

[watching "Deadly Bees"]

'Deadly Bees' guy:
I've made...

Crow:
...this movie really hard to watch?

[at the end of "Deadly Bees", a man has mysteriously appeared, and no further explanation is given as the credits roll]

Crow:
Uh, so, look for the credit "Man at the end", OK?

[watching "The Deadly Bees"]

Crow:
[as a bee] Uh, sir, please stop trying to milk us!

Judge in movie:
And the dog?

Crow T. Robot:
No, the dog didn't sting her.

Crow T. Robot:
She's reading Bitter Wife's Magazine.

Crow T. Robot:
Objection! Stupid hat!

Crow T. Robot:
This is *highly* dangerous, but she just has to do it for that... one guy... she just met...

Crow T. Robot:
[as bee] Run! It's the flaming towel lady!

Tom Servo:
The movie obsessed with correcting lampshades.

Tom Servo:
[as bitter farmer] Oh, why do people even *try* living?

Tom Servo:
One day I'll walk out here and she'll be dead - HEY!

Crow T. Robot:
He's switched to ultra fem-run.

[the farmer walks into a bar]

Crow T. Robot:
[as bartender] It's nine in the morning, where've you been?

[the farmer enters a bar]

Tom Servo:
Oh great, *now* we're in England!

Narrator:
[narrator during The Deadly Mantis] For every action...

Mike Nelson:
There is a Jackson.

Bobo:
[an atom bomb he armed is about to go off] Your movie today is "The Deadly Mantis." By the way Mike, what IS a thermal nuclear device?

General Ford:
Professor, it seems you know more about what this creature isn't than what it is!

Professor Gunther:
Well sir, that is correct.

Mike Nelson:
There. That'll be half a billion dollars.

Marge Blaine:
Life parades through the ages, showing the progression of the prehistoric creatures. From the jelly fish, to the dinosaurs to primitive man

Mike Nelson:
It's a very simple 3 step evolution.

[upon seeing the villain Satoris in "The Final Sacrifice"]

Mike Nelson:
Canadian Villain: Garth Vader.

Crow T. Robot:
Canadian: Mannix!

Tom Servo:
[singing] Rowsdower saves us, and saves all the world!

Crow T. Robot:
[singing] He comes to save the day in a broken truck...

Mike Nelson:
[singing] With a stinky denim jacket on his back...

Crow T. Robot:
[seinging] He couldn't help this movie, which reeeeally sucked...

Mike Nelson:
[singing] But at least we didn't have to see him... play hacky-sack...

Pipper:
McGregor! Troy McGregor? Thomas' son?

Troy:
Yeah! Did you know him?

Tom Servo:
Know him? He was delicious!

Troy:
Rowsdower, have you always been a...

Crow T. Robot:
Hopeless drunk?

Troy:
...Drifter?

Rowsdower:
No.

Troy:
Well, what were you before?

Rowsdower:
I was...

Mike Nelson:
A Chippendale's dancer.

Satoris:
Why don't you ask your friend when he arrives?

Crow T. Robot:
Ha. The joke's on you. I don't have any friends.

Crow T. Robot:
I wonder if there's beer on the sun?

[a black-hooded cultist arrives at a house]

Tom Servo:
Tee-hee. Tee-hee!

Mike Nelson:
His head is still factory-wrapped.

Crow:
[snickering] Is he a door-to-door executioner?

[Troy is being chased by cultists with machetes]

Crow:
We just wanna cut your sugar cane crop!

Troy:
Am I like him?

Tom Servo:
No, he was masculine and likeable.

Crow:
[the villian is praying] God bless mommy, and daddy, and grandpa, and all of my evil henchmen.

[Satoris uses his cane to draw the Ziox symbol in the ground]

Mike Nelson:
Man, that's a terrible golf stroke.

Rowsdower:
Their people ruled this land once.

Mike Nelson:
They ruled this one acre for about a week. Nobody knew.

Mike Nelson:
What is this obsession with not showing us who's getting into what truck?

[Troy is wandering around in the woods]

Mike Nelson:
So, I dropped the canteen and I got lost, right on schedule.

Tom Servo:
Ah, next I have to fall, break my ankle, be attacked by coyotes and buried by a bear!

Tom Servo:
[watching Rowsdower toss and turn in his sleep] I'm exhausted, I've gotta take a nap after I'm done sleeping.

[Rowsdower pours booze over his tattooed arm]

Tom Servo:
Have a drink on me, tattoo.

Tom Servo:
[in a little kid voice] Oh please, just one more sacrifice before we go?

Mike Nelson:
Okay, but this is the *Final Sacrifice.*

[Tom Servo sings an ode in response to Canada bashing]

Tom Servo:
[sings] Oh I wish I was back in old Canada, a land which I never shall lampoon, how I pine for the ice covering Lake Manitoba, and the beauty that is Saskatoon...

Mike Nelson:
[interrupts] Here, I got one.

[sings]

Mike Nelson:
Oh I wish I was stuck in the hills of Alberta, drinking beer with some big dumb guy trapping fur. As he scraped and he chiseled all the moose dung off his boots, I would learn that he's the Prime Minister!

Crow T. Robot:
[sings] Oh I wish I was in the land that gave us Peter Jennings, Alannis Morrisette, Mike Myers too. No I take that back, I wouldn't go there even if you paid me. O Canada, you are a place I must eschew!

Tom Servo:
[annoyed] Now this is not in the spirit that I intended!

Mike Nelson:
Oh, come on, give in, I mean, after all they gave us Ed the Sock - and Rush!

Crow T. Robot:
Yeah! What are you defending? They're such feebs!

Tom Servo:
OK, I'll try.

[sings in a hostile tone]

Tom Servo:
Oh, I wish I was blowing up Prince Edward Island, and going on to bomb Ontario! Ha, ha! The destruction of Canada and all of its culture, is by far my fa-vo-rite scenario!

Mike Nelson:
OK, now, that's a little strong...

Tom Servo:
[manic] No, you were right Mike! This is much more fun!

[sings with angry gusto]

Tom Servo:
Just *where* the hell does Canada get off sharing a border, with countries far superior to it? Why, you lousy stinkin', Francophonic, bacon-lovin' bastards, your country's just a giant piece of sh -...

Mike Nelson, Crow T. Robot:
Whoa!

Mike Nelson:
Okay, I think that's enough!

Tom Servo:
[sobbing] I'm sorry! I have no sense of proportion! I'm a disgrace to my uniform!

Mike Nelson:
That's OK, now calm down now. Mustn't hate, mustn't hate...

Crow T. Robot:
At least not so overtly.

Mike Nelson:
Exactly, must disguise our hate, just a little. It's okay now, Dudley.

Tom Servo:
[sobbing] Pardonnez-moi, pardonnez-moi...

Tom Servo:
[as Satoris] Ow! You shot my butt! What the hell, you SHOT me in the BUTT! [Satoris starts burning]

Crow:
So Mike, most humans, when you shoot 'em in the butt, they burst into flames?

Mike Nelson:
Uh, I dunno.

Crow:
Can we try it? Turn around.

Crow T. Robot:
[seeing the company name Greidanus] He comes from a long line of great anuses.

Crow T. Robot:
[sees snow in movie] Hooray! The movie's closed today because of snow.

Mike Nelson:
He exploded before they could shoot him.

Mike Nelson:
Some guys can really pull off leggings.

Crow T. Robot:
I can't wait til they start the internet.

Mike Nelson:
[as Troy] Oh I'm glad I don't have any friends, cause then I wouldn't be able to do this.

Crow T. Robot:
[as Troy] Man I'm 25! I hope I hit puberty soon.

Tom Servo:
And together they fought crime throughout southern Alberta!

Rowsdower:
D'you have any idea what kind of people you're dealing with?

Crow:
They're from Saskatchewan!

Rowsdower:
It's a cult

Tom Servo:
They worship blue oysters.

Tom Servo:
Quick, climb a tree! Trucks can't climb trees!

Tom Servo:
[said with a very American accent] Aw merde! Mon pied!

Mike Nelson:
Children and pregnant women should not watch this scene. You know, in fact, no one really should watch any of these scenes.

Troy:
The map is real!

Mike Nelson:
"Map Israel"? I believe Israel has been fairly well mapped already.

[Troy and Rowsdower peer down into an ancient underground tunnel]

Mike Nelson:
[as Troy] You're gonna throw me down there, aren't you?

Tom Servo:
[as Mike Pipper] Ooooooh! Fresh towels in the guest room!

Rowsdower:
Well, kid, looks like we've had it!

Tom Servo:
I probably only had about three weeks left anyway! Errrgh!

[Troy peeks out of a hole in the ground]

Crow T. Robot:
[as Troy] This is just like when they bury me every week at school, and give me pink-belly and hang me from the goal-post and shave my head and magic-marker my wienie and stuff me in my locker.

[Rowsdower is riding a horse]

Mike Nelson:
[as horse] Uh, sir, maybe if you got rid of that huge gunnysack of ground pork on... oh, that's your butt.

Mike Nelson:
[Troy is walking through a graveyard] People are dying to get...

Tom Servo:
[cutting him off] No.

Rowsdower:
Go to hell!

Crow T. Robot:
Or at least Edmonton!

Mike Nelson:
[as Mike Pipper] Here's the plan. My army of trained rats will lead the charge and my scabies will protect our flank.

Tom Servo:
[singing] Doo, doo, doodoo...

Mike Nelson:
[Rowsdower guns down two cultists] Gilles, no! Not Etienne!

Troy:
Rowsdower, have you always been a...

Tom Servo:
Hopeless drunk?

Troy:
Drifter?

Troy:
Rowsdower, were you always a drifter?

Rowsdower:
No.

Troy:
What were you before?

Mike Nelson:
A Chippendales dancer.

Tom Servo:
[upon seeing a junky old truck with laundry hanging from it] Oh, and who says there aren't any nice homes in Canada?

Mike Nelson:
This sounds like video poker music!

Joel:
[a man sings to his little sister] She's trying to wish him into the cornfield right now.

Crow T. Robot:
Son? He called me son. No wonder mom cries when I mention the Sheriff.

Crow T. Robot:
Stupid-Man. More powerful than an okie-motive.

Chase Winstead:
It's the Sheriff. If there's been a wreck I get a tow job out of it.

Joel:
Oh wow...

Tom Servo:
Fasten your seatbelts; it's gonna be a bumpy night.

Dr. Forrester:
Now, taste the red hot steel of Dr. Clayton "Fire-brand" Forrester! The punching bag has always had a sound principle behind it. Frank?

TV's Frank:
Yes, that it's fun to beat Boffo the clown savagely and repeatedly till Boffo's bleeding froim the ears, but then... alas the thrill is gone. The fire goes out of your belly. You need something new to stimulate your imagination.

Dr. Forrester:
That's right, that's why we've invented these hateful punching bags with images of characters from the renaissance festival. For instance, there's uh, the rat catcher. Excuse me, sirs, is that your head or did your neck throw up?

TV's Frank:
Oh, bite me Frodo!

Dr. Forrester:
And there's the ever popular leather mug maker. Please, sir, sample my wares!

TV's Frank:
Sample my fist, you community theatre reject!

Dr. Forrester:
Loveable harlequinn! I am harlequinn.

TV's Frank:
I am your worst nightmare! Twenty three dollars to get in! Huzzah my butt, you satin-suited, Tolkein-reading loser!

Dr. Forrester:
Uh, that's enough, Frank... Uh, well, Joel, your experiment this week is a sweet meat repleat with empty-headed teens, fast cars, and a cute little lizard. It's called "The Giant Gila Monster", and it wil make you hurt or my name's not Earl Shibe. Enjoy.

Dan Kester:
You're so dumb you wouldn't know rabbit turds from Rice Krispies.

Tom Servo:
Snap, crackle, poop.

Mike Nelson:
Bobo, Is that you? I mean, really you?

Bobo:
No, it's John Schuck on a bad hair day. Of course it's me, and I'm fine but these two, hoo-hoo-hoo, they really love their zucchinis. In fact they're packin' 'em up so they can deliver zucchinis to their friends all over the galaxy.

Mike Nelson:
Now, now, now listen very carefully, Bobo. These pods grow aliens who replace your body. If they're loading them into the truck that means the whole galaxy could be in danger.

Bobo:
Oh come now, ha. Just because they load a bunch of zucchini throw pillows onto a truck doesn't mean they're trying to take over the galaxy. Haha. Proposterous, typical of you with your back and your Braun hand blenders. Haha. Oh look, I'll just ask her. Oh say, Lawgiver, now are those evil pods? And are you trying to take over the galaxy?

Pearl Forrester:
Yes, and yes. Excuse me, please.

Bobo:
Well, I guess I can see how you could misconstrue that, Nelson, but I'm still not convinced.

Tom Servo:
If you only see 10,000 movies this year, make sure this isn't one of them.

Tom Servo:
Mike, if I slip into a coma while watching this movie, please, PLEASE, do NOT take any extreme measures to revive me.

Mike Nelson:
Oh, hey Gyps'. What happened to the zucchini throw pillow things that Mrs. Forrester sent us?

Gypsy:
I put them in a safe place.

Mike Nelson:
Okay, and where's that?

Gypsy:
A place where you would meet a horrible demise before laying your polluting fingers upon them.

Tom Servo:
So you put them in Mike's laundry basket?

Crow:
"Dark? It's not dark," Rebane declared.

Tom Servo:
Visuals? For a movie? Who needs them?

Crow:
[fake-laughing] It's always funny when you turn down tea, then you decide you want tea!

Crow T. Robot:
Moses, move the bike!

Tom Servo:
Ah, greasy guys carrying unconscious girls, comfortable two a.m. beer buzz - you homesick yet, Mike?

Mike Nelson:
[singing] The hills are alive with the stink of that guy, his back brace is smelly...

Tom Servo:
I hope that bomb didn't land on our pile of tires and our busted refrigerator in the yard and the rusted chassis of our 68 Impala...

Ev Kester:
Sometimes the only way I know you're still alive is when I hear you flush the toilet.

Tom Servo:
Yeah, like they *have* a toilet.

Tom Servo:
Actually filmed inside the thumb hole of a bowling ball...

[Dan Kester goes to the refrigerator]

Crow T. Robot:
Want a piece of milk?

Dan Kester:
I found another body.

Mike Nelson:
Well good, yours was getting pretty gross.

[watching Dan Kester]

Mike Nelson:
Johnny Crappleseed.

Crow:
Paul Infected Bunyan.

Tom Servo:
Old McDonald had a cyst.

[watching the giant spider dissolve into a gloppy mess]

Mike Nelson:
Ew, the spider needs a Zantac.

Tom Servo:
Alan Hale digests a kielbasa.

Crow:
"It Came from Planet Gross-Out."

Mike Nelson:
[as Dan Kester chases Teri out of the room in his filthy long johns] And the movie just ramps up the repulsion.

Crow:
This movie hates us doesn't it?

Crow:
[as an asteroid shaped like a sperm approaches Earth] I hope Earth has its diaphragm on.

[first lines]

Mike Nelson:
Hi, everyone. Mike Nelson here. Welcome to the Satellite...

Tom Servo:
[dressed as a cheerleader] Are you ready for some spee-rit!

[last lines]

Pearl Forrester:
You mean they watched the movie, and I didn't get to watch them watching the movie? Bobo, get rid of my body. Brain guy, send them the movie - again.

Mike and the 'Bots:
[over the end credits] Movie sign! Again!

Mike Nelson:
It's befuddlin' my dumb cracker mind!

Sheriff:
[on the phone] No, ma'am, I don't have the number.

Tom Servo:
Take your time, movie.

Sheriff:
All I can tell you is, use the Yellow Pages. Let your fingers do the walking! [laughs]

Crow T. Robot:
Not a joke, but an incredible simulation.

J.R. Vance:
Well the appointment must be with your husband then

Mike Nelson:
Go Waddle Man!

Mike Nelson:
[sing-song] I love tick infested hounds, slaughtering a deer and beer...

Crow T. Robot:
Packers fans... the horrible truth

Sheriff:
That's funny, I wonder why she hung up on me?

Mike Nelson:
Maybe your bodily funk travels over the phone lines...

Crow:
[Groan] Oh he's lactating...

Mike Nelson:
You know, they're poor only in money... and spirit... and dignity... and moral fiber... and hygiene

Mike Nelson:
The movie that takes the bold step of not including the audience!

Dan Kester:
A man can't get any peace in his own house...

Mike Nelson:
Well Section 8 owns the house...

Crow T. Robot:
A showered person, thank God...

Dan Kester:
Let me eat my breakfast in peace. I gotta keep up my strength.

Mike Nelson:
[Southern Accent] Tearin' food stamps is hard!

Mike Nelson:
Ya know, in her defense, laying off the booze would mean seeing him sober...

Ev Kester:
You know it's too bad that there's this li'l age difference between us.

Tom Servo:
She's drinking fermented Yoo-Hoo.

Ev Kester:
If you were five years older, I'd jump ya.

Mike Nelson:
Well, I've got cables in the car, Ma'am.

Beautiful Naked Woman in Bathtub:
Aren't you in the wrong room?

Tom Servo:
I've never been in a righter room in my life!

Danny Winslow:
I'm Danny. Danny Winslow. What's your name?

Bix Dugan:
[mumbling] Bix Dugan.

Joel:
Big Stupid?

[during a host segment]

Joel:
Hey, Crow.

Crow:
Yes, Joel Hodgson?

Joel:
I found the secret of the life the other day... but it kinda bummed me out.

Crow:
You found the secret of life? Why should it bum you out?

Joel:
It was on 8-track.

Joel:
[watching "The Green Smile"] Y'know it's interesting that this - ah - film was made the same year as "2001: A Space Odyssey".

Joel:
That was a guy.

Crow T. Robot:
No, it wasn't.

Joel:
It was too!

Crow T. Robot:
Was not!

Tom Servo:
Was not was! There! I made a meaningless pop culture reference! Now, knock it off!

Crow T. Robot:
Joel, what are these films trying to teach us about life?

Joel:
Well, I guess they're trying to say that we're born, and then we die, and there's lots of padding in between.

[a pair of legs are seen sticking out of a garbage can]

Crow T. Robot:
That guy's trashed!

Tom Servo:
No, he's looking for the script.

Crow T. Robot:
They look as confused by the film as we are.

Joel:
[speaking for a character] Thought you might need help padding up the last ten minutes of the film.

Joel:
[speaking for a character in a phony fight scene] Next time I connect.

Joel:
[as the movie goes back and forth between slow-paced scenes] These cuts are making my pulse race.

Joel:
[speaking for the actor punching the director-star] That's for putting me in the movie!

[last lines]

Dr. Clayton Forrester:
[to TV's Frank] Let's push the button... together.

[first lines]

Joel:
[with a bad cold] Hi, everybody, welcome to the Satellite of Love. Uh, we'll be right back.

Tom Servo:
Oh, smart. They're in the middle of nowhere, but they make their drug deal out in the open by the side of the road while a car passes by.

Joel:
Why do you think they call it dope?

[At the funeral, a biker jams his knife into the casket]

Crow T. Robot:
So, how much would you pay for this switchblade? But wait, you also get the bread knife, the Uzi automatic, the love beads, some guy's keys. You know, professional lowlife scum would pay nine ninety-five for this stuff.

[the Horror of Party Beach is finally revealed]

Crow:
A creature whose face is 80% eyebag.

Tom Servo:
So, radiation has a sense of humor.

[toxic waste spills and immediately creates the Horror at Party Beach]

Mike Nelson:
Sure, most radiation is harmful EVENTUALLY, but ours does massive damage in a matter of seconds.

Crow:
Men should NOT have bikini areas.

Crow:
Ooh, bet you that would be good with drawn butter. Of course, I'd eat my own head with drawn butter.

Dr Gavin:
Well, is it a plant or an animal?

Mike Nelson:
Planimal.

Mike Nelson:
The director bravely mixes tedium with un-scariness.

Crow:
I had a generally positive impression of white people before this movie.

Tom Servo:
Dad's being smothered by a huge loaf of pepperoni-studded brown bread!

Mike Nelson:
Hey, everyone! You know, Tom, Crow, and I were talking about how the kids today don't know squat about sodium.

Crow:
Yeah. I couldn't of put it better myself, Mike. Why, the shocking lack of sodium taught at schools today is shocking.

Tom Servo:
That's right, Crow. So we asked ourselves: How, how, do we reach kids today about sodium?

Crow:
How? How? How?

Mike Nelson:
Through the Rock N' Roll Music that the kids seem to like.

Crow:
['50s-era music begins] Hit it!

Tom Servo:
Sodium! Sodium! Sodium! Sodium!

Mike Nelson:
Sodium! Sodium! Sodium! Sodium! Sodium!

Crow:
Sodium! Sodium! Sodium! Sodium!

Mike Nelson:
Yeah! Sodium! There is Sodium. Yeah! It's Sodium, baby! Sodium! Sodium! Sodium! Sodium!

Crow, Tom Servo:
Sodium! Sodium! Sodium! Sodium!

[the music stops]

Crow:
[spoken] Sodium.

[Hank drives past Washington Square Park while going to buy sodium]

Mike Nelson:
[laughing] And down to Greenwich Village, for no reason.

Crow:
How many more will die if I do a *little* sightseeing? Four or five at most, right?

Crow T. Robot:
[amused] How many monsters movies end with a janitor scooping the monster into a garbage can.

[Watching "The Incredible Melting Man"]

Mike Nelson:
Is there a CREDIBLE melting man?

Crow T. Robot:
He threw HIMSELF up!

Bobo:
Now, Mike, I'm supposed to send you the movie entitled "The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies" but, um, uh, you see, I, uh, I forgot how.

Mike Nelson:
Oh, that's okay, Bobo. Don't bother on our account.

Crow:
Yeah, let's skip it.

Observer:
Oh, for the love of Heidegger. I'll take care of it, you addle-pated homunculus...

Bobo:
All right, you cream-faced loon, I've had just about enough out of you.

[Bobo makes monkey noises]

Observer:
Good-- good-- good God! What are you doing, man? That-- that-- that's disgusting!

Bobo:
You don't know the half of it. How about a little game of catch?

Observer:
What are you going to do with that? Oh no, no, you can't possibly...

Bobo:
Start running, Casper!

Observer:
Oh, no, please, I beg you! Owww ho-ho-ooogh!

Mike Nelson:
Remind me to never cross Bobo. Well, we've got Movie Sign!

Mike Nelson:
[on a song-and-dance number] They're white people... done up as Africans. In white face.

Madame Estrella:
Take him and make him like my other little pets.

Tom Servo:
So put him on a hamster wheel?

Mike Nelson:
Wow. No one's ever done an interpretive dance of Mein Kampf before!

Tom Servo:
I'm walking for Helping Children Through Research and Development.

Mike Nelson:
Oh - HEPTRAD - I think I've heard of that group.

Tom Servo:
No, actually, Helping Children Though Research and Development is the acronym. It stands for 'Hi Everyone, Let's Pitch In 'N Get Cracking Here In Louisiana Doing Right, Eh? Now Then. Hateful Rich Overbearing Ugly Guys Hurt Royally Everytime Someone Eats A Radish, Carrot, Hors-d'ouvres, And Never Does Dishes. Eventually Victor Eats Lunch Over Peoria Mit Ein Nauesburger Tog.

Crow:
[while being hypnotized] Our state fair is a great state fair...

Tom Servo:
It's raining. I came to stalk in here.

Mike Nelson:
You know the 14-year-olds who snuck in with the fake I.D.s have got to feel profoundly ripped off.

Tom Servo:
It's okay, I understand. So you killed some people. We all do it.

Mike Nelson:
Sound? Are you getting this? Oh, never mind. We have a lot of other lines.

Woman:
That's your idea of a big time? I should slave over a hot stove cooking for you?

Man:
Why not?

Tom Servo:
Well, he's got a point.

Woman:
Who will do the dishes?

Man:
Oh, I'll do the dishes. [He tips his hat]

Mike Nelson:
...With my HAT!

Tom Servo:
Dumb loser doesn't know how many dishes I have stacked up!

Tom Servo:
[the main character throws a rock into the ocean] And he misses the ocean.

Mike Nelson:
You talk funny, you feelthy peeg.

Tom Servo:
Well, that cleared up nothing.

Crow:
[noting the horrendous sound] Recorded on Edison's cylinder.

Mike Nelson:
[taking note of the sound quality on the country song] This was digitally recorded, then erased, then RE-recorded on a Dictaphone.

Mike Nelson:
I didn't know that Edison wrote and recorded his own folk songs.

Tom Servo:
You know, they used to put the microphone in a saltine box across the room.

[first lines]

Mike Nelson:
Hi, everyone, Mike Nelson here on the Satellite of Love. It's Walk-A-Thon Season, and I'm being hit up by two competing groups. Gotta admire their energy. So, Crow, who are you doing it for again?

[last lines]

Pearl Forrester:
All right, I am free! Good riddance, you little no-neck monsters. Blackjack table, here I come.

Mike Nelson:
We could go to Donnie Brasco's.

Mike Nelson:
Alllllll righty then.

Crow:
[during a dance number] I think this is a can-can't.

Joel:
Cinematography by Zapuder.

Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo:
[singing] Killer shrew, killer shrew / Don't know the difference 'tween me and you / He comes out at night to give you a fright / Don't look now, but he's gonna take a bite / Killer shrew, killer shrew / K-I-double-L-E-R shrew / He's scary and tough, if that ain't enough / He's augmented with bath mats an' stuff / Killer shrew, killer shrew / He's coming to your town to get you!

Tom Servo:
It's a planned sequence, like the opening of 'Touch of Evil' or the Copacabana scene of 'Goodfellas'.

[Mike and the robots are watching "The Leech Woman"]

Mike Nelson:
This is like a murderous episode of "Lucy".

Tom Servo:
Agnes Moorehead, as Endora.

Crow T. Robot:
You know, if old women give him the creeps, maybe he shouldn't have gone into Old Womanology.

Crow T. Robot:
This is the 50's, why am I explaining things to a woman? Get in the car!

Crow T. Robot:
Today's miracle cure... BOOZE!

Crow T. Robot:
I'm going to put on a dashiki and blow your mind!

Crow T. Robot:
[to the tune of Fernando by ABBA] Have you heard the drums you Nandos...

Young Malla:
Your youth will not last long, do not waste it.

Mike Nelson:
Go get yourself some nasty...

Sally:
She told you Neal and I are engaged?

Crow T. Robot:
She certainly-SLUT-I mean, oh how nice...

Terri Hart:
Neal, would you please get my luggage?

Neal:
Yeah... Sure...

Mike Nelson:
[as Neal to Sally, his fianc?e] Excuse me, Sir

Reporter:
Everyone is asking the same question...

Tom Servo:
Why am I watching this?

[first lines]

Dr. Erhardt:
They promised me students, but all I got were monkeys, monkeys, monkeys! So I took off my wet suit, dropped that hedge clipper and walked out of that zoo forever.

Dr. Forrester:
Come in, Joel, you fancy pantsy nancy boy.

Dr. Erhardt:
As you know, toy manufacturers are always making their toys too safe. And what children want is realism.

Dr. Forrester:
And danger!

[last lines]

Dr. Forrester:
Here, file this.

Hank:
[from Commando Cody short] What did you find out about the ray guns?

Crow:
Ron and Nancy?

[Mad doctor has turned Petro into a wolfman and set him loose outside]

Tom Servo:
That felt good! Now I'm going to go turn my daughter into a woodchuck.

Professor Fitzgerald:
[inspecting Dr. Cameron's lab] You seem to be excellently equipped.

Tom Servo:
Thank you! I didn't think you could tell through these trousers.

Joel:
Uh, sirs, I think that's the end of the experiment this week. I hope you're pleased.

Dr. Forrester:
[referring to end of movie] Of course we're not pleased. Can't you see a mad scientist has just died?

Joel Robinson:
Endora!

Mike Nelson:
I treasure these precious moments when John Agar isn't talking!

John Agar:
There's gotta be a scientific explanation for all of this.

Crow T. Robot:
I believe the Elf Princess put them there.

Mike Nelson:
Load, tell us about other times when you were a major load.

John Agar:
Hey, this isn't a natural cavern.

Mike Nelson:
It's a perverted unnatural cavern!

Crow T. Robot:
[to the female love interest] Haven't I told you before that you're not a servant? Now go get me a beer!

Girl:
You will take me with you?

Tom Servo:
Um, I'd like to, honey, but I'm a gay, married, impotent priest with a terminal illness and occasional herpes and I'm a hologram on the run from the law.

[John Agar finds Adad strumming lightly on a ukelele]

John Agar:
Did you learn that song as a child?

Mike Nelson:
[as Adad, annoyed] I'm tuning it!

[the albino soldiers flee instantly from the flashlight]

Tom Servo:
It's a civilization of elderly great-aunts.

Crow T. Robot:
Gentlemen, we've been captured by gay wrestling cheerleaders.

John Agar:
But what about you, Adad? When do you sleep? Or do you?

Adad:
I sleep, when my sleeping time comes.

John Agar:
Your sleeping time? But how are you able to tell?

Mike Nelson:
[as Adad] Whenever you speak.

John Agar:
But you're in danger!

Mike Nelson:
[as Agar] I'm John Agar!

Adad:
Danger? Why?

Tom Servo:
[as Agar] Because I have bouts of pomposity.

John Agar:
Because, we're different from your people. They fear us and may try to harm us. You're different too. And if you're with us, it might remind them.

Mike Nelson:
[as Adad] Um, you really lost me there.

[someone is credited as "music supervisor"]

Mike Nelson:
Now, he's not a musician, but he's a hell of a good administrator.

Mike Nelson:
Man, why do I talk so much in front of those guys? I mean, it's like every time I open my mouth, I just act like I know it all! All I want to do is tell them how much I like them, but then when I talk, I say all this stupid stuff. I don't know, maybe I'm just insecure... But I *do* know a lot! Why shouldn't I talk?

[Mike and the Bots provide the inner monologues for our heroes as they listen to an avalanche in the distance]

Tom Servo:
I just realized that my life is a lie!

Crow T. Robot:
Make something up. State it firmly, even arrogantly!

Mike Nelson:
I'm still pissed at Beaumont!

Tom Servo:
That's for Billy Madison.

[Earthquake causes a tablet to break]

Mike Nelson:
Well, you probably shouldn't have put the world's oldest artifact on a CHEAP CARD TABLE!

Crow T. Robot:
I'm late for my Hitler youth meeting.

Crow T. Robot:
What's Rutherford B. Hayes doing in this movie?

Tom Servo:
I love movies where they slowly assemble the plot like this.

Joel Robinson:
First thing I'm gonna do is buy me a montage!

Tom Servo:
Kenny Rogers is Moses.

Joel Robinson:
Well, looks like the montage finally blew over.

Tom Servo:
[as Jonathan] Don't shoot my doppleganger!

Crow T. Robot:
So this guy comes in, stops the plot cold, and leaves?

Crow T. Robot:
Alright new rule. No crusty old evangelists.

Crow T. Robot:
Here are a few highlights from the administration of Rutherford B. Hayes. Thomas Edison invented the pornograph, beginning the age of pornography. President Hayes then passed the Hayes, act started the Hayes Office, won fame as an American lyric tenor and was named Archbishop of New York in 1919. After he retired, he founded the original ZZ Top with James Garfield and Chester Allen Arthur.

Tom Servo:
[sung like Purple Haze] Rutherford Hayes, all in my brain!

Joel Robinson:
It's a deadly game of cat and mouse except... with a... dog... and a man.

Crow T. Robot:
The old man never said that.

Tom Servo:
You can't flash back to something that never happened. That's not fair.

Narrator:
Wearing inappropriate clothes, like these shoes...

Tom Servo:
Is immoral.

Narrator:
Don't let this happen to you!

Crow T. Robot:
Don't change a tire with your face.

Narrator:
There are other good aids for cleaning your skin. One of these is cleansing cream.

Tom Servo:
One of these is nitric acid. Choose wisely.

Narrator:
Many girls find this helpful in removing cosmetics

Joel Robinson:
Many are just plain wrong.

Narrator:
And so the end to a perfect day:

Joel Robinson:
An entire day spent grooming.

Narrator:
The love of a dog... for one man.

Joel Robinson:
It won't work.

Lin Taylor:
Nevermind the dog, Tommy.

Tom Servo:
Here's the Sex Pistols.

Crow T. Robot:
No fair. You can't flash back to stuff we saw ten seconds ago.

[Frank Chapman is flashing back to previous scenes in the movie]

Tom Servo:
Congratulations, Mrs. Astronaut, it's a boy... boy... boy...

Mike Nelson:
Wake up, Frank. You wet the bed... bed... bed...

Crow T. Robot:
Frank, you'll have to take third grade again... gain... gain...

Mike Nelson:
Mr. Chapman, this is Western Financial Collections. Do you value your credit rating... rating... rating...

Crow T. Robot:
I'm afraid you're just not 7-11 timber, Frank... Frank... Frank...

Tom Servo:
You're the worst party clown we've ever had... had... had...

Crow T. Robot:
Maybe if they didn't disguise their planet as a Chicken McNugget, the dogs wouldn't attack it!

Tom Servo:
Activate the Gravity Curtain or the Venetian Gravity Blinds!

Mike Nelson:
It's a good thing there's lots of gravity in space.

Crow T. Robot:
Today the moon narrowly missed hitting a man's eye like a big pizza pie.

Tom Servo:
Scientists believe that's amore.

Frank Chapman:
I can't work under these conditions!

Tom Servo:
[as Chapman] Gorgeous women waiting to serve my every whim!

[Chapman is speaking with a mute girl]

Frank Chapman:
I like you.

Mike Nelson:
[as Chapman] And you can't say you don't like me.

Crow T. Robot:
Man, this is almost as good as 2001... nails driven into your eye!

Crow T. Robot:
Ehhh... Mike, let's just torch the theater and get out of here, c'mon.

Mike Nelson:
[in an English accent] Don't make me go to the larder and unseal a tin of whoop ass!

Dr. Paul Steiner:
Now we'll see what happened to your watch...

Crow T. Robot:
And then move onto your knickers, if your comfortable.

Dr. Paul Steiner:
I succeed everytime with an inanimate object, if only I could do the same with a living creature

Crow T. Robot:
Oh, keep that to yourself man...

Dr. Paul Steiner:
Now I'd like to demonstrate with something of your own, Pat. Something you'd recognize.

Crow T. Robot:
Your knickers perhaps?

Dr. Patricia Hill:
My watch do?

Dr. Paul Steiner:
Couldn't be better. Come with me...

Mike Nelson:
Well actually, your knickers would be better but... eh... that's fine.

Dr. Paul Steiner:
This is the transmission cradle.

Crow T. Robot:
Where your knickers might have gone.

Dr. Paul Steiner:
Now the watch...

Mike Nelson:
Knickers would be ideal, but the watch... that's... that's fine... fine

Professor Lembach:
What were his prospects of success?

Crow T. Robot:
One in crap-dillion...

Mike Nelson:
And the plot thinnens.

Vadihno:
I did not have to kill to find you.

Crow:
I kill for fun!

[People stand around Kobras confused]

Mike Nelson:
What kind of party clown are you? I'm not paying for this!

Crow:
Yep, Donald "Room clearer" Pleasance.

Kobras:
[who's played by Donald Pleasance] Comb the area! Find him!

Crow:
Donald's only use for the word "comb" right there.

[Kobras hesitantly enters the room]

Tom Servo:
Uh, I'm afraid I ran over your dog in the driveway.

[Tony and Jane are staring at Kobras, tense music plays]

Tom Servo:
[as Kobras] I was meant to bring an appetiser wasn't I?

Vadihno:
My name is Vadihno.

Crow:
I'm an onion.

Crow:
[singing] Puma Man, he flies like a moron.

Mike Nelson:
Are pumas also known for their whining?

Tom Servo:
My name is Pleasance and I am funky.

Crow:
This always happens. People throw me out of the window, tell me I'm Puma Man, then leave.

[Vadihno hits the Puma Man]

Crow:
Yes. The Aztec speaks for all of us.

Mike Nelson:
An egg. Oh wait, it's Donald Pleasence.

[Watching Puma Man "fly"]

Mike Nelson:
He has the power to rear-project major cities.

Crow:
Puma Man can tear through pure contact paper.

Vadinho:
Each man is a God. Each man is free.

Crow:
So if each man is a God, what does that make God?

[on the Puma Man]

Crow:
At all times he has the look of a man who's been hit with a fish.

Mike Nelson:
[on Puma man] Wool over his eyes man!

Crow:
Easily bamboozled man!

Tom Servo:
Three steps behind man!

Vadinho:
Dive into the nothingness

Tom Servo:
Watch MTV?

Crow:
You know I have almost no respect for pumas now? I now know that if I ever run into a puma I can just push it the hell over.

Mike Nelson:
[after Tony turns into Puma Man] He gave him the Captain Dork costume by mistake.

Vadihno:
Man is free. Man is master of himself.

Crow:
Man sounds cool.

Vadihno:
But if they come, man is no longer free.

Tom Servo:
Man can get pricey.

Kobras:
Because you are made of earth...

Crow:
[as Kobras] Corn grows in you.

Kobras:
...and to earth you shall return!

Mike Nelson:
Huh? That was an odd thing to say, even for him.

Mike Nelson:
[sighs] World, get used to being run by Donald Pleasence.

Vadinho:
You've succeeded! They think you are dead. And now they will leave you alone!

Mike Nelson:
To be left alone - the goal of every great hero.

Tom Servo:
I hate it when Aztecs force themselves into your hotel room and make you try on belts.

Villain:
Everybody who goes there doesn't talk!

Crow:
So nobody who DOESN'T go there doesn't NOT talk?

Vadihno:
I say put it on...

Mike Nelson:
...and you say "pyoot it oon."

Vadihno:
You were only a boy at the time.

Crow:
Then you were a girl, then you were a boy again.

Mike Nelson:
Are you poor? Eew!

Mike Nelson:
The wall didn't bend. Ignore that.

[watching Puma Man fly]

Mike Nelson:
You know, I hate to be picky, but pumas aren't really known for flying.

[Jane gives Tony a party invitation]

Tony Farms:
The Dutch Embassy?

Jane Dobson:
[playfully] Does that scare you?

Tony Farms:
[playfully] Yeah.

Mike Nelson:
[as Tony] The Dutch are mean!

[Tony and Jane are flying in the air]

Jane Dobson:
Have you ever seen anybody make love in the air?

Tony Farms:
But that's how you make little puma men!

Mike Nelson:
[disgusted] Oh, and he immediately defiles the holy gift given to him.

[Tony puts on a huge bowtie for the party at the embassy]

Mike Nelson:
Parachute-slash-bowtie.

Vadihno:
This belt belonged to your father. With it, you will have all the powers he had.

Mike Nelson:
[as Vadihno] Or your money back.

Henchman:
We'll make slaves of men with this mask.

Crow:
And we'll rule fish, too!

Tom Servo:
Sam Elliot is Ted Turner in 'The Gregory Peck Story'.

Tom Servo:
All right. Disco fighting.

Crow:
Soundtrack by my little brother's Casio.

Tom Servo:
[pointing out an exhibit at an international fair which resembles France's Arc de Triomphe] Oh, look it's the Arc de Full Retreat.

Joel:
[as trapeze artists are shown riding bicycles along a tight-rope] Boy, they're sure tough on drunk drivers in Canada.

Joel:
As the noose was fitted, and as a delicate black mask was tied around the prisoner's eyes, "May the Lord have mercy on... "

Tom Servo:
Booooo-ring! Boring!

Joel:
Oh, hi everybody, welcome to the Satellite of Love, I'm Joel Robinson, and I'm with my robots, Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot, and I'm reading them some really scary bedtime stories, but they're so jaded! I mean, kids today ahve seen and heard everything, believe me!

Magic Voice:
Oh, isn't that the truth! Commercial Sign in 30 seconds.

Tom Servo:
C'mon, Joel, you've been reading us nothing but the light stuff! "In Cold Blood," "Helter Skelter," the 17 novels that Stephen King published this year, come on! Read us something REALLY scary!

Crow T. Robot:
Yeah, c'mon!

Joel:
Okay, I've been saving a really, really scary one. That is, if you guys think you're old enough, if you think you can handle it.

Crow T. Robot:
Oh, I'm sure it's REALLY scary! Do I dare ask what it's called?

Joel:
Oh, "Life's Little Instruction Book!"

Joel:
[the bots recoil in horror] Okay, "1. Put a lot of little marshmallows in your hot chocolate.

Joel:
[they scream] 2. Surprise your new neighbor with one of your favorite homemade dishes and include the recipe."

Tom Servo:
NOT THE RECIPE!

Joel:
3. At the movies, buy Junior Mints and sprinkle them on your popcorn." "4. Enjoy real maple syrup."

Tom Servo:
The horror, the horror.

Joel:
"187. Measure people by the size of their hearts, not by the size of their bank accounts."

Crow T. Robot:
Oh, that's enough, Joel! I can't take any more! Please, no!

Tom Servo:
No, no, keep going, keep going! This is great, are you crazy?

Joel:
"188. When facing a difficult task, act as though it's impossible to fail. When going after Moby Dick, take along the tartar sauce!"

[the bots scream in terror]

Joel:
Hoel the phone, you two, Momom and Pepop are calling.

Dr. Forrester:
That's nothing, Joel, Clive Barker says I've seen the future of horror, and it's "Everything I Need To Know, I Learned in Kindergarten!"

Tom Servo:
He's not Merritt Stone!

Crow:
[about the film's villain] The only thing diabolical about this guy is his acting.

[Dr. Forrester is preparing for the Mad Scientists' convention]

Dr. Erhardt:
Hey, promise me if you lose the contest this year you're not gonna blow up the whole convention center again?

Dr. Forrester:
I only did that once.

Dr. Erhardt:
Oh, ho, huh?

Dr. Forrester:
OK, twice. Twice.

Dr. Erhardt:
It was three times!

Dr. Forrester:
The third time I used the incendiaries, and it didn't actually make the building blow up. It just made it burn - really quickly. God that was beautiful, wasn't it?

Crow:
This is the kind of film you *won't* put on pause when you leave the room.

Tom Servo:
It encourages you to go get a sandwich.

Crow:
Kinda like TV repellent.

[the titular robot is revealed]

Crow:
It's not so great, it doesn't have knees.

Dr. Almada:
It's time I revealed something very serious...

Tom Servo:
My underwear is one hundred years old!

Joel:
You can see they're a more advanced civilization: their furniture doesn't break. Well, it tips over, but it doesn't break.

[the rocket flies towards the moon, however... ]

Crow:
It sure is sunny in space.

[watching Commando Cody evade the heavies]

Tom Servo:
He's cleverly disguised as a Hershey's Kiss.

Dr. Forrester:
They laughed when I made the more painful mousetrap.

Tom Servo:
[introducing a commercial] And speaking of treats, we'll be right back.

Crow:
Immolation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Joel:
I didn't know Billy Barty was in this.

Crow:
He's got a small part.

Crow:
I looked up "anti-climax" in the dictionary and it said "See: Aztec Mummy."

Crow:
And never darken this film again.

[first lines]

Dr. Forrester:
I really think this is going to be it. This is my year!

[last lines]

Dr. Forrester:
Well, until next time, my little square pudding!

[a short serial episode is starting before the main movie]

Crow:
There's always a boring short.

Tom Servo:
My shorts are never boring.

Dr. Almada:
The professor had given up his life to save ours.

Crow:
And his career.

Crow:
Once that robot gets into gear, you're really going to see him kick some Aztec.

Tom Servo:
The Man who would be Queen.

TV's Frank:
Well, you know, recently I've become a vegetarian, and it's worked out great! Really. You know, the other day, my colon looked up at me and said, "Frank, thank you." I said "No. Thank YOU." But now, what am I going to do with all the meat I have stored in freezers? I figured, "Hey, why not bring the meat back to life?

Dr. Forrester:
That's right. That's why we've invented the meat re-animator. Hook it up, Frank.

TV's Frank:
Clear.

[they shock a chicken that gets up and starts wobbling around]

Dr. Forrester:
It's alive! Alive! My corn-fed Minnesota chicken is alive!

TV's Frank:
You know, I thought this would a good idea, but this is one weird mamajama.

Narrator:
"The Screaming Skull" is a motion picture that reaches its climax in shocking horror.

Mike Nelson:
...But we cut that.

Narrator:
This climax is so terrifying that it may have an unforeseen effect. It may kill you.

Tom Servo:
If you watch it in front of a moving bus.

[a woman screams]

Mike Nelson:
She's listening to her Yoko Ono records.

Mike Nelson:
How could they make a movie so damn boring?

Tom Servo:
You know, they weren't really expecting anybody to watch this, everybody was supposed to be necking by this time, so... Mike?

[Tom and Crow lean towards Mike and make kissing noises at him]

Mike Nelson:
Hey! Stop that... Cut it out...

Tom Servo:
Might be fun...

Crow:
Damn... I need more pig's blood.

Mrs. Gumby:
Such clever boys certainly deserve some crackers with their milk.

Tom Servo:
Crackers? Wow! Maybe they'll have white rice later!

Tom Servo:
The skull has been perfectly civil through all this, I must say.

Mike Nelson:
[as Jenny screams and runs away from the ghost] Oh, that gown was so tacky I'm actually frightened!

[Jenny throws the skull out the window]

Tom Servo:
Alas poor Yorick, she threw him well!

Crow:
[about the opening theme] Yep, when you think "shocking horror," you think German Oompah-Band music.

Tom Servo:
[as Mickey] Oh man, it's like a *buffet* of victims, I don't even know where to start!

Crow:
[as Mickey] I'd better go rotate the hostages.

Tom Servo:
[Mickey suddenly runs away] I had a victim in the oven!

Crow:
Remember, if you die of boredom, you don't get a free coffin.

Crow T. Robot:
They tried to light this, but this movie is like a super-absorbing black hole.

Crow T. Robot:
And I, Dr. Woof Woof Lombardi!

Tom Servo:
King, what have you done here? Kill outside, OUTSIDE King!

Lt. Ed James:
Go in the kitchen and see if there is any flour.

Tom Servo:
Roll in it and pan fry yourself.

Plainclothes Sgt. with Lt. James:
The first life of someone living today... over a million years ago

Crow T. Robot:
Strom Thurmond?

Tom Servo:
Endorsed by King the Dog!

Mike Nelson:
I barked my ass off; you'll laugh, you'll growl, you'll pee!

Tom Servo:
Donald Duck has the ring of power!

Joel:
Well, you guys gotta understand, it's really hard to get a new sport going. It's hard to get the recognition that other sports enjoy. Can you name a few?

Tom Servo:
Uh, kickboxing from the Philippines... uh, tape measure racing...

Crow T. Robot:
And, uh, computations, and Australian rules football.

Joel:
Right, and what do all these sports have in common that sidehacking does not?

Crow T. Robot:
Uh, a rudimentary interest factor?

Tom Servo:
A sense of fair play?

Crow T. Robot:
A small measure of self-esteem?

Tom Servo:
Yeah.

Joel:
Right, these are all really good answers, but the thing I was looking for was terminology. It's impossible to have play-by-play or color commentary without it! So, let's put our heads together and come up with some terminology that really showcases some of the really exciting moves in our sport, sidehacking. Cambot, roll that footage.

Crow T. Robot:
[footage plays, the next lines are voice over] It looks like the Wesley Brothers out of John Harding starting things briskly with the Fuller Brush Man in a Rumplestiltskin follow-through with a Teenage Coed Prison!

Tom Servo:
Out of Wausau, representing Wisconsin, Mitch and Pitch performing the now famous Yank Me Crank Me!

Joel:
That bright young team, the Allentown Poodles, with their rendition of the Swirly - Oh no, could that have been the Gunkout, Crow?

Crow T. Robot:
Thanks, Joel. I think that was more of a Spinning Love Funnel from those fresh-faced kids of Kankakee Community College...

Tom Servo:
Oh my goodness, it's a lineback, a slowburn and a hop, skip and a gold flame with a Fintoozler and an Itchy Gorilla! AN ITCHY GORILLA!

Joel:
Uh oh, here comes the Big Blue Flamer, followed by Teatime Richard Scarry, the Full Tilt Bozo, Crazy and Just Plain Stupid!

Crow T. Robot:
It's an exciting day, indeed, here at Japanese War Atrocity Park and Pavillion-On-The-Park, but - what's this? Is that the antiquated old papa Baba O'Riley attempting the Teenage Wasteland on the hey-de-hi-de-ho side of the track?

Tom Servo:
From the darker side of the street come the Cap Snaffler, Maynard and Eleanor, Casey's Rolling Pizza and Just Imagine!

Joel:
Meet you on the dark side of the moon, it's the Ghostly Trio, followed by No-Tell Motel, Aspercreme and Death by Chocolate!

Crow T. Robot:
Uh-oh, hold onto your epidermis! It's Deputy Dawg and the Hard-Drinking Soldiers of Fortune attempting the oft-copied Leaky Cheese!

Tom Servo:
Shake me, don't wake me, Crow... Looks like Bad Man and the Costumed Critters of Death are going crinkle-cut and somebody's got to pay... but, uh-oh! Funny Ha-Ha, Funny Strange and the Bad Man and Joe screaming "Hey world, check me out!"

Joel:
Hand me a Hoover, it's Raspberry Commie, the Fruitful Snootful and Hickory Dickory Die attempting a Butterscotch Push with a Frontie-frontie-frontie!

Crow T. Robot:
Ho ho ho! Is that Go-Go the Gorilla with Bloopers, Blunders and Practical Jokes with Starchy Cock-of-the-Walk in their Fintoozler? There's Electra-Woman and Dyna-Girl in the George Barris custom show rod, bravely attempting the Big Buy with a Tommy Tune on the side!

Tom Servo:
I gotta correct you on that, Crow, I think he's attempting a Stinky Guy with a Peter Allen - Uh-oh! That means he'll be disqualified and slapped with a Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich! That could be a problem for our Quentin Crisp, who's expected to deliver a Fighting Aranovich Brother or a God Your Helmet Smells Good...

Joel:
Uh-oh! Here comes Nutsy, the Sidehacking Clown, performing his famous Tension Envelope routine! Don't get too close, 'cuz remember, kids, he who smelt it, dealt it... Let's give him a round of applause as we all pardon his blooper!

Crow T. Robot:
Well, it's been a big day with plenty of sheer gut blow-outs, Juicy Lucies and a Woozle whose name was Peanut... This is Crow and Joel and Tom Servo in the pit.

JC:
We'll see what kind of games he's playing...

Tom Servo:
Uno? Hungry, hungry hippos? Shoots and ladders? Candy land? Risk?

Tom Servo:
Is it safe?

Crow T. Robot:
[as a somber looking Rommel sulks around, following a missing reel in which his girlfriend is brutally raped and murdered] For those of you wondering at home, Rita is dead.

Luke:
Have you ever seen me so happy?

Joel:
[as Rommel] Yeah, but you didn't know I was watching you.

[a woman is being photographed for smutty pictures, but she is fully clothed]

Photographer:
Johnny, you sure can pick 'em. This is the best one yet!

Johnny:
Glad you like her, because you're gonna see a lot more of her.

Mike Nelson:
[as Johnny] Next film, we may show her elbow!

[Jaffe is standing in front of the camera talking to Johnny while shooting]

Photographer:
Y'know, Johnny, you sure can pick 'em!

Mike Nelson:
[as Johnny] You're filming your shirt!

Crow T. Robot:
[on Detective Carson] Bela Lugosi's brother--Shemp Lugosi!

Gloria:
Now, when I say "let's see those legs", I mean show it all from your toes straight up to your hat!

Tom Servo:
[as ditzy girl] But they stop before that.

Gloria:
Police? Give me Detective Carson.

Tom Servo:
[as Ed McMahon] Hayo!

Detective Carson:
He didn't have a chance to get rid of it. We've got him with the goods this time!

Crow T. Robot:
And I never had to leave my chair!

Narrator:
[From 'Neat and Clean' short] Brush... and brush... and brush. At least one hundred strokes.

Mike Nelson:
Just keep brushing and brushing and saying the name of our lord and savior!

[Police raid the photographer's studio while he's photographing bikini clad models]

Crow T. Robot:
Whoa, they're raiding these guys? Imagine the arrest they could make at the beach.

Mike Nelson:
Did the actors do their own skydiving?

Crow T. Robot:
No, the skydivers did their own acting.

Crow T. Robot:
Gladys and Abner Kravitz.

Mike Nelson:
Seems like they forgot to have things happen in this movie.

[seeing the title "Why Study Industrial Arts"]

Crow T. Robot:
Because you're bad at math?

Crow T. Robot:
Ah, this is one of those "I can't pay you, but I'll put your name in the credits" movies.

Shop student:
And you know, I like the feel of a board moving smoothly against a sharp saw.

Mike Nelson:
Then I thrust the nail into the soft, yielding wood.

Shop student:
I like the smell of fresh woodchips and sawdust.

Tom Servo:
I put them in my underwear.

Shop student:
The bright glare of a welder.

Crow T. Robot:
I like to sneak in and lay on the table saw.

Shop student:
The sharp whine of a power tool.

Mike Nelson:
The piercing scream of a freshman.

Shop student:
Or the dull tap-tap of tools on leather.

Crow T. Robot:
Rat-a-tat-tat - I keep Popular Mechanics under my mattress!

Tom Servo:
[after Dave Brewster has passed out in front of his superiors] Uh, go see what he put on his job application under "Do you drink a lot".

Dr. Wahrman:
A few minutes ago, in front of the powerhouse; I saw something incredible, unbelievable...

Crow T. Robot:
A gibbon making flan!

Telephone Display Woman:
Ever been invited out for an evening...

Tom Servo:
No.

Telephone Display Woman:
...and had to turn it down because you're expecting an extra special call?

Tom Servo:
*No*.

Crow:
"How Do Animals Learn?" Well, as long as they learn to taste good, I don't really care.

Mike Nelson:
I really think there is more *nothing* in this movie than in any movie we have seen!

Mike Nelson:
[as a guy running from a desert] Oh, it was pretty rough, man. I had to eat a lizard and drink my urine.

Tom Servo:
[as other guy] But you were only here for ten minutes!

Mike Nelson:
[as the runner] I know, but...

Tom Servo:
So, basically, according to themselves, the Air Force is a bunch of leather-faced, not so bright and heavy-drinking, goat-witted speed freaks who poop in their pants and can't make it with women, right?

TV's Frank:
Clay, have you seen my X-Men #354?

Dr. Forrester:
Frank, you're breaking my concentration. I wanna get all my back issues of Starlog organized in time to tape tonight's episode of TekWars.

TV's Frank:
Oh, TekWars is on. That's right

[door bell rings]

Dr. Forrester:
I wonder who that can be?

TV's Frank:
that's right, I forgot all about TekWars. We'll have to see... Tonight's episode's supposed to...

Bridget:
Hi! I'm Bridget and this is my friend Mary Jo. We just moved in upstairs to Deep 12. We're neighbors!

TV's Frank:
Ahhh! Clay, there are girls here! Actual girls!

Dr. Forrester:
[looking through comics panicking] Uh, ah, uh, don't panic! Um, there must be some instructions on what to do. Somewhere...

Bridget:
Well, we've introduced ourselves, who are you?

TV's Frank:
I have lots of comic books. I keep them in plastic bags.

Bridget:
Oh, yeah, I, heh, heh...

Mary Jo:
We haven't seen the laundry room. Do you know where it is?

Dr. Forrester:
[trying, and failing, to remain calm] Are we on a date? 'Cause it's okay if we're on a date. Uh, Frank and I have been on, uh, with Frank, yeah, uh...

TV's Frank:
Babylon 5 was on last night.

Bridget:
Um, yeah. I'm sure...

Dr. Forrester:
[to camera] Mike, you've got to help us. We're on a date down here. Could you, uh, provide us with some kind of entertainment?

Narrator:
Killing, burning, ravishing.

Tom Servo:
Itching, flaking.

Narrator:
A village which lives in constant fear of Kalin and his invaders.

Tom Servo:
So... move?

Mike Nelson:
Uh, hold on, I'm havin' a montage.

Mike Nelson:
And now ladies and gentleman, the Swedish Moses of soul.

Mike Nelson:
This is the best tasting sword ever!

Mike Nelson:
[as Ilia's father] Why are you older than me, son?

Ilya Muromets:
Excuse me good people

Tom Servo:
Where's the men's room?

Mike Nelson:
Wacky sight gags of ancient Finlandia!

Mike Nelson:
If you hold a Fin by the beard, it immobilizes him.

Tom Servo:
Ooh a real sepia tone has come over the crowd.

Crow T. Robot:
Dragon Slayer 2: The Uncalled For.

Mike Nelson:
Gidget... Were you lying with the horned-one again?

Mike Nelson:
There's no trade rat, but there IS a skilled artisan rat...

Crow T. Robot:
[sing song] There's a dark oily film on my headband!

Tom Servo:
Good night, Diptheria...

Gordon Hawthorn:
Don't worry about that copper chest, there's no evil after four centuries...

Mike Nelson:
[as Jessica] What if they ziplocked the evil?

Tom Servo:
Aunt Flava Flav?

Crow T. Robot:
[sing song] There's a thick, yellow stain on my back brace...

Mike Nelson:
The music, the mood, the sweeping romance of peeping...

Boyd:
[roughly] Stop grabbing that rifle every time I'm not looking... You don't know how to shoot a gun, you'll hurt yourself...

Mike:
[timidly] I wasn't gonna shoot it...

Mike Nelson:
[same timid voice]... I was gonna CLEAN is at you...

Mike Nelson:
[sing song] There's a black, greasy smudge on my pillow...

Mike Nelson:
Brought to you by the breast council...

Tom Servo:
Buy breasts where you work or bank...

Mike Nelson:
Evil is fun!

Gideon Drew:
After so long a fast I thirst for human blood!

Tom Servo:
Can you stand some instant?

Mike Nelson:
Quick! Everyone pretend that you don't have blood!

Mike Nelson:
No, I mean, let's get some sleep... on each other.

Mike Nelson:
You rocked my world last night, Flavia...

Linda:
You're thinking that Jessica can help find the casket. Why not ask her?

Crow T. Robot:
Oh boy, get her...

Gordon Hawthorn:
Well, I don't want to...

Mike Nelson:
She'll hit me...

Mike Nelson:
I'm going back to the convent, it didn't work out with the Von Trapps

Tom Servo:
I'm going to divine the CRAP out of this place!

Crow T. Robot:
Get crackin' Aunt Flavo-right!

Tom Servo:
My breasts have done their job

Crow T. Robot:
5000 dollars is a lot of money back... now

Mike Nelson:
So, how much of North America did the elves colonize?

Tom Servo:
Mike, insert me into her cleavage and then get lost...

Mike Nelson:
Aunt Fistula!

Tom Servo:
Aunt Flatcula!

Crow T. Robot:
Aunt Caligula!

Mike Nelson:
Just because me big and dumb, they think me kill Boyd... oh wait, me did...

Hank:
I just wanted to make sure you were alright, before I turned in...

Tom Servo:
Turned into what?

Crow T. Robot:
Hank, I said No! It's a disgusting idea!

Tom Servo:
Come on, honey, I'll just quietly squeeze in between you two...

Mike Nelson:
Next time use your EMPTY hand to knock, you idiot! You almost broke my nose!

Tom Servo:
Must drive head to convenience store for smokes and dove bar...

Mike Nelson:
I found the "This Island Earth" music!

[Boyd sneaks into Flavia's bedroom as Flavia is in bed asleep]

Crow T. Robot:
[as Flavia] Okay cowboy, hop in. Let's get this rodeo started.

[Title appears]

Tom Servo:
The Strom Thurmond Story!

[the title "The Touch of Satan" appears]

Mike Nelson:
The touch of Satan... softens your hands while you do the dishes.

Tom Servo:
Emby Mellay? That's not a name, it's a bad Scrabble hand.

[a man is stabbed in the neck with a pitchfork]

Tom Servo:
When sore throat pain strikes!

Mike Nelson:
The "American Gothic" people take revenge.

Steffi:
Almost finished storytime, then everyone goes to sleep.

Bobo:
Uh, can I come out now?

Steffi:
Shush! Bad dog! Go to sleep.

Bobo:
Okay.

Steffi:
Now where was I, Brian?

Observer:
Oh, the tall fellow was repeatedly refusing to ingest green eggs and ham, the short fellow was bizarrely insistent upon it.

Steffi:
Yes, very good. "I will not eat them in a plane. I will not eat them on a train..."

Observer:
Train, right. Why doesn't he just leave him alone? He has pointedly made his refusal to eat this dish clear. The hypothetical changing of a location is irrelevant and tedious. And that Sam I Am is so bloody repetitive I could scream!

Steffi:
Are we a little cranky, Brian?

Observer:
No, madam, I am over-tired. So I shall turn in now. So if you wouldn't mind, please... My blankie... My nookie... And my friend. Ah, thank you kindly. Good morrow to you.

Steffi:
Nighty-night.

Bobo:
Now me, I'd definitely eat them on a train...

Steffi:
Quiet! No bark!

Bobo:
...There's no doubt they'd be perfectly delicious on a train. But a plane, I'd have to think about a plane. Maybe substitute bacon for ham sounds kinda nice. And maybe have a big... [Steffi rolls up a magazine] Oh... Oh boy.

Steffi:
[swatting Bobo] No bark!

Bobo:
Ow! I'm not barking, I was just talking. Ow! I was commenting on the story. There was no barking involved at all!

Steffi:
No! No bark!

Bobo:
Ow! Ow! No, I'm not sure you see my point. Here, it's like this. Rather than barking, as you assumed, I was actually... Ow! C'mon! I'm talking, not...

Steffi:
No!

Bobo:
Ow! Ow!

Steffi:
No bark!

Bobo:
Ow! I'm not barking, I'm... Ow!

Steffi:
Bad dog!

Bobo:
I'm articulating... Ow! Geez! Ow!

Steffi:
Bad dog!

Crow:
Mike, I'm gonna look at your shoes for a while. It makes about as much sense.

Mike Nelson:
With David Spade as Satan, good casting.

Jodie Thompson:
Does your father mind if I skip rocks across his pond?

Melissa Strickland:
You'll have to ask him. Is that your car?

Jodie Thompson:
Yeah.

Mike Nelson:
[as Melissa] Mind if I skip rocks across it?

Mike Nelson:
I've said "Zah" in better places than this!

Mike Nelson:
[touching music starts up] Hallmark Hall of Fame presents A Touch of Satan.

Tom Servo:
[singing along to the cute music] Come sit with me and Satan too. He's your friend and mine.

Luther Strickland:
Hello.

Mike Nelson:
I must agree with that.

Crow:
[makes a train sound] Ding, ding, ding - that's the train going through your pause!

Crow:
Is this the same pause or is this technically a sub pause?

Jodie Thompson:
I'll bet you have nine boyfriends.

Melissa Strickland:
No.

Jodie Thompson:
Six.

Melissa Strickland:
No.

Tom Servo:
Three!

Melissa Strickland:
None.

Tom Servo:
Two! Let me change my answer!

Jodie Thompson:
You're putting me on.

Melissa Strickland:
It's just... we live on a walnut ranch.

Tom Servo:
We don't raise boyfriends.

Melissa Strickland:
Would you stay here?

Tom Servo:
By this rock? And don't move?

Jodie Thompson:
What?

Tom Servo:
Stay here!

Mike Nelson:
Huh?

Tom Servo:
STAY HERE!

Mike Nelson:
"The wicked man travailed all his days in pain," said Madeleine.

Crow:
Our next pause is gonna be THIS BIG!

Jodie Thompson:
Why is it so important that I believe in this devil of yours?

Mike Nelson:
Well, I get a commission.

[as a police car drives down the road]

Crow:
[using Barney Fife voice] Well, Andy, there was a demon in the car!

Tom Servo:
[as the shack burns to the ground] You know, if the septic tank goes up, we're *all* in trouble...

Farmer:
[upon hearing a meow] Is that you Robert?

Mike Nelson:
Robert the cat?

Farmer:
You should be in bed.

Crow:
With Andrew the dog.

Crow:
[after Jodie and Melissa have kissed and stare at one another meaningfully, as Jodie] Gah, that was really *bad*.

Tom Servo:
[the choppy editing un-nerves the three] Maybe the editor got called out of the room a lot?

Bobo:
You bet there's something wrong! The Lawgiver went on vacation and left us with... a babysitter. Look!

Steffi:
Why won't you play with the blocks?

Observer:
I don't want to play with blocks. It's insulting! I have an infinite intellect.

Steffi:
I think you're a little crabby and you might need a time-out to think about it.

Observer:
No, I can't stand time-outs. The silence! The desolation!

Steffi:
Okay, are you going to play nice with the blocks?

Observer:
Allright, Steffi. You win... this time.

Bobo:
You see, it's horrible! And she calls me Fluffykins and treats me like an animal.

Steffi:
Hey, did you chew this?

Bobo:
Um... yes.

Steffi:
No! No chew! No. God, man... There's hair everywhere!

Bobo:
Please don't treat me like this. I'm a distinguished professor of anthropology from a future where apes evolved from men.

Steffi:
No chew! Go lie down!

Bobo:
Oh, Ok.

Tom Servo:
I sure do love the yelling channel.

Mike Nelson:
Oh, man! If you can't trust the Devil!

Tom Servo:
Hm, signed copy of the Necromonican there.

Mike Nelson:
"You guys scare me, ha ha ha. Signed, Satan."

[as a police car arrives at the house]

Tom Servo:
He's got two huge Sudafeds on top of his car.

Mike Nelson:
[singing] There's a dark greasy smudge on my pillow!

[the film cuts back to medieval times]

Mike Nelson:
Meanwhile, in a better but more confusing story.

Mike Nelson:
Okay, I've never known more about what *isn't* going on.

Mike Nelson:
I have a suggestion: STAY!

[as they exit the theater]

Mike Nelson:
I thought this movie was supposed to be about an old woman and her driver?

Tom Servo:
The "not-even-better-than-killing-yourself" movie of the summer!

Crow T. Robot:
STAY!

Mike Nelson:
Me help! Attacked I'm being! Hitting me stop you must! God dear, bleeding am I! Break my leg think I did you!

Mike Nelson:
[as Darrin Stephens] Sam!

Tom Servo:
Smolken's naked sometimes, Mike.

Mike Nelson:
Oh damn you, Servo.

[while watching Tor Johnson in "The Unearthly"]

Lobo:
Time for go to bed!

Joel:
Well said!

Dr. Forrester:
[after Joel gives a horrible invention exchange. TV's Frank is crying in the background] I think you die, Joel! Heh-heh-heh... Well, your experiment this week is going to be hard to keep down. It's called The Unearthly and it stars John Carradine and Tor Johnson, plus two stinky shorts.

[shouts]

Dr. Forrester:
Frank, shut up!

[Frank cries louder in defiance]

Dr. Forrester:
Enjoy!

Dr. Forrester:
Ah, it does my heart good to see Crow burnt beyond all recognition! Oh, Frank, it's time for this week's invention exchange.

[Frank enters crying, wearing two boards with an odd assortment of pills glued on]

Dr. Forrester:
Oh, accept the pain, Frank!

[to Joel]

Dr. Forrester:
You've heard the expression, "That's a hard pill to swallow"? Well, our invention exchange this week is just that - some hard pills to swallow. Uh, turn Frank. And cough.

[Frank does so]

Dr. Forrester:
[points to pill] See this pill right here? It shold be easy to swallow, shouldn't it Frank? Yes, it should be except for the three-pronged fish hook attached to it.

[points to another one]

Dr. Forrester:
This one - I'm not going to kid you - this is *very* difficult to swallow. It's a Not-So-Tiny Time pill, complete with a living gerbil.

TV's Frank:
[shouts] Terry, no!

Dr. Forrester:
Oh, Terry, yes! If you can keep this one down, you'll have a pet that knows you inside and out. If you have trouble keeping one pill down, try our pill necklace of piptric acid - one-hundred and five capsules on a string. Keep that gag reflex active 'til the cows come home - the longer it takes to swallow, the harder it gets.

[with evil glee]

Dr. Forrester:
Yes, and the children?

TV's Frank:
[shouts] Not the children! Aw-haw-haw!

Dr. Forrester:
The children love vitamin shapes, like, shaped like cartoons. Whimsical shapes! Whimsical shapes, and wouldn't it be hard for all those Flintstone kids if their favorite vitamin came... turn, Frank...

[Frank turns, revealing a life-size Fred Flintstone vitamin]

Dr. Forrester:
...life-size, hmm, hmm? Ball's in your court, Joel!

Dr. Forrester:
I was alone with the world to tame, I was evil but feelin' blue Lookin' around, talkin' to clowns, Never guessin' that I'd find you

TV's Frank:
Workin' the fryer I was never a cryer, I had a void in the shape of you

Dr. Forrester:
Oh, Frank.

TV's Frank:
Lookin' for love, hopin' for evil, Alls I got was chicken cordon bleu

Dr. Forrester, TV's Frank:
Ba-da-been, were livin' in Deep 13 Nobody knows what we mean Rulin' the world with our heads in a swirl and its keen Livin' in Deep 13.

Tom Servo:
[At the end of "Wild World of Batwoman"] END! EEEEEND!

Gypsy:
[about Crow copying her work]... He stole my FRIGGIN PAPER!

Batwoman:
Stay where you are.

Rat Fink:
All right, I will.

Mike Nelson:
Ah, the compliant villain. Can-do.

Mike Nelson:
What'd I miss?

Crow T. Robot:
Only the best credits ever.

Johnny:
Well, why don't they call?

Crow T. Robot:
Because they don't like you!

Narrator:
Did Johnny mean to be dishonest?

Tom Servo:
Or is he just pure evil?

Mike Nelson:
And should Miss Grandy come into Johnny's bedroom uninvited and bodiless?

[watching "The Wild World of Batwoman"]

Crow T. Robot:
So, Mike, this is hell.

Mike Nelson:
Yup.

Crow T. Robot:
You know, this is like an Andy Warhol movie only it's kinda weird.

Crow T. Robot:
Larry Tate, that's rich!

[During a musical sequence on "Wild World of Batwoman"]

Mike Nelson:
[singing] And yes, the devil made this movie for you.

Batwoman:
What have you done with that girl?

Tom Servo:
I introduced her to Phil Donahue.

Narrator:
Somehow, that odd little look Miss Grandy gave you seemed to haunt you.

[as Johnny lies awake in bed, an massive image of Miss Grandy's face appears beside him as he remembers her expression]

Tom Servo:
[as Johnny] Oh, hi Miss Grandy- EAAAAAAGH! AAAAAAAH! GET AWAY!

[watching girls dance in "The Wild World of Batwoman"]

Mike Nelson:
We're in the middle of a k.d. lang fantasy here.

[Batwoman picks up a telephone in a skimpy outfit]

Crow T. Robot:
[in a girly voice] Good morning, College Republicans.

Tom Servo:
She went on the beach not expecting to be abducted by a mexican wrestler.

[Mike asked the bots to do a report on cheating]

Gypsy:
Cheating. Cheating is bad. Richard Basehart is good.

[upon seeing the title "Cheating"]

Crow T. Robot:
A Centron production! Although we got the idea from another company. Because we're cheating.

Crow T. Robot:
Mother Theresa called... She hates you.

Rat Fink:
Never mind the monsters, Leon.

Crow T. Robot:
Here's the Sex Pistols.

Johnny:
Well, why don't they call?

Crow:
Because they don't like you!

Crow T. Robot:
So this is Ingmar Bergman's first American film?

Crow T. Robot:
Well, the music's awful, but at least it's drowning out the dialogue.

Nick:
So, are you making dinner?

Lisa:
Are you offering dinner?

Crow T. Robot:
No, I'm saying "MAKE ME DINNER!"

Crow T. Robot:
[Nick opens the fridge, all that's in it is green goo in a bag] Loser status confirmed!

Tom Servo:
Please... eat... me!

Crow T. Robot:
No, this can't be the hero of the film, can it? Movie? Movie! Can I see your supervisor, movie, this will NOT stand!

Mike Nelson:
[the hero is stuck in a tree] Oh, he's looking for honey, like Pooh.

Crow T. Robot:
Oh, he's "like poo" all right.

Tom Servo:
Maybe it's Endor, hopefully he'll be ripped apart by Ewoks.

Crow:
So, in the future kids become gay agents?

Mike Nelson:
[the movie shows a boy in the future wearing neon colors, talking on a cell phone] So in the future children will become gay agents?

J.K. Robertson:
[after getting out of the wreck] Ah, Nick...

Crow T. Robot:
I have an aleron up my... well anyway.

Crow T. Robot:
[as Nick bikes into the parking lot of a grocery stor] Maple Syrup 3 for a doll- oh, hell, take it! Take it, we've got so much of it!

Tom Servo:
[as Nick, when Nick and Lisa are having lunch in a 50's diner] Can I get sky miles if I put this on my Visa Gold?

Nick:
[on the demo flight of the Time Transport] Now, the real reason I brought you up here today...

Crow T. Robot:
[as Nick]... to crash!

Mike Nelson:
[as we first see J.K. Robertson stepping out of the Time Transport] Hi, I'm Bob Evil!

Tom Servo:
[as Robertson, when Robertson comes back to realize that Nick and Lisa have escaped] I leave for 20 minutes and EvilCo is in shambles!

Mike Nelson:
Ew, he's all stained again.

Tom Servo:
Why didn't the movie just cover him in cat vomit?

Crow T. Robot:
He died as he lived: mud-stained and splaying!

Nick:
This plane... well, it enables whoever's inside it to, uh...

Mike Nelson:
Get a film career that quickly dies.

[during the end credits, the executive producers have the same last names as the director]

Tom Servo:
Executive Parents... uh, I mean Producers...

[Robertson's assistants are all wearing bad suits]

J.K. Robertson:
Let's go, boys!

Mike Nelson:
[as Robertson] Let's go, director's college buds who brought their own suits to the shoot!

[Nick and Lisa meet a couple of filthy bums from the dystopian future]

Bum:
[to his wife] They're travelers.

Lisa:
How'd you know we were...?

Bum:
'Cause you ain't from around here. Nobody from around here looks like you for long.

Mike Nelson:
[as bum] Where's your filth?

[Nick has an enormous chin]

Crow T. Robot:
Geez, did somebody tape a dinner roll to his chin?

Nick:
[talking on the phone] Sure!

Tom Servo:
[as Nick] Sure I'm an unappealing actor in a bad movie! Sure!

[J.K. Robertson has just shot his henchman]

Tom Servo:
Still, he's a better boss than the Sunbeam guy.

[Nick is on the phone and wearing no shirt]

Mike, Crow, and Servo:
Ahh!

Nick:
[on the phone] New Technology Development?

Tom Servo:
[as Nick] Marv! Hey, it's me, and I'm nude.

[Nick Miller is wearing a college t-shirt that says "Castleton"]

Mike Nelson:
[as Nick] Ah, who am I kidding? I never went to Castleton.

Crow T. Robot:
Remember when everybody got the "Nick Miller" haircut and went around wearing Castleton t-shirts?

Lisa:
What's the use of a time machine for GenCorp?

Nick:
I'll give you an example.

Crow T. Robot:
You could send an egg into the future!

Nick:
We could study the long-term effects we're having on our environment. We could, uh...

Mike Nelson:
Send Bob Saget to meet Charlemagne.

[while Nick and Robertson are fighting in the plane, Nick is smashing Robertson's head into the airplane's dashboard]

Crow T. Robot:
[said in time with the hits] *Check* your *flaps* be*fore* taking *off*!

[the plane is crashing, and the camera shows the altimeter and airspeed indicators going haywire]

Tom Servo:
We're losing ALT!

Mike Nelson:
And our MPH-Knots are going down!

[after Matt is fired]

Crow T. Robot:
[as Nick] You had the misfortune of running into me. I'm a life-wrecking idiot!

Crow T. Robot:
[as some American revolutionaries are running through the forest] So, did you guys catch the Patriots game last night... I mean, *Liberty*!

[Nick turns on his computer]

Tom Servo:
You've got mail... pattern baldness.

[the movie's characters are coughing in a smoke-filled cave]

Joel Robinson:
[stoner voice] Oh man, that's good weed.

Tom Servo:
Bye, mom, I'm meeting my doom, I'll see you after school.

Crow T. Robot:
[a piece of wood falls into the river and the children look concerned] "No! My piece of wood! It died so that we might live."

Tom Servo:
Johnny is a walking faux pas.

Dr. Clayton Forrester:
Hello Joe... Crowl... Tim Servo... the big one. I'm in a decidedly good mood today. The Mariners won, I received a gift certificate for having my drapes cleaned - and Frank took a nasty fall on the stairs today. Why don't you show we what you've got, eh wot?

Crow T. Robot:
Honey, I'm ho... oh yeah, you're dead.

Girl:
What was *that*?

Boy:
A meteorite! A lunar meteorite!

Girl:
A meteorite?

Crow T. Robot:
A lunar meteorite?

Girl:
That's a great stew. What's in it?

Johnny Longbow:
Oh, a lot of things.

Tom Servo:
Rattlesnake, Velveeta.

Johnny Longbow:
Chicken, corn, chili, green pepper... onions...

Mike Nelson:
Hair...

Johnny Longbow:
Well, it's kind of an old recipe around here.

Johnny Longbow:
I know what you're thinking.

Tom Servo:
I'm boring and my slideshow eats.

Mike Nelson:
[as the Moon Beast is dying] Hey, I'm in a Buggles video!

Mike Nelson:
[as a Native American performs a ceremony] WHO wants a light bulb? Light bulb, here! C'mon! Two dollars! Got a light bulb!

Mike Nelson:
[Kathy has a blank expression on her face] Brain has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down.

Paul:
That's Albuquerque over there. And that road leads to Santa Fe, northeast. And the river is over there...

Kathy:
Paul, where are we exactly?

Crow T. Robot:
I'm telling you. What do you want? Longitude and latitude?

Johnny Longbow:
PAUL is not PAUL ANYMORE!

Crow T. Robot:
He's SUPER-PAUL!

Paul:
I guess I blacked out...

Mike Nelson:
Uh... excuse me, you *African American*-ed out...

Paul:
We could go back to my place.

Kathy:
Your place?

Paul:
My place.

Crow T. Robot:
[Lightning flashes, as God] NOT HIS PLACE, FORNICATORS.

Crow T. Robot:
[watching kids dance] Hey that's the monkey.

Tom Servo:
I thought that was the jerk?

Crow T. Robot:
No, the jerks are doing the monkey

Mike Nelson:
If her pants were any tighter, they'd be behind her. Wow.

Mike Nelson:
[as dog] Up yours, Opie. I ain't goin'.

Genius:
Well, come on in.

Mike Nelson:
[as dog] I can't, I'm a special effect.

Jean:
Dig that nitty gritty.

Crow T. Robot:
Stop slanging! What are you saying?

Crow T. Robot:
The Beau Brummels!

Tom Servo:
The Beau Bridges Brummels!

Crow T. Robot:
The Beau Brummels Bridges of Madison County!

Mike Nelson:
[as girl] Can I torment you with my femininity?

Fred:
My old man's in the meat business in Los Angeles.

Nancy:
Isn't that interesting...

Mike Nelson:
Buh-bye!

Tom Servo:
Dueling cardigans.

Mike Nelson:
Oh no! It's Tommy Kirk in little pants.

Crow T. Robot:
Why is she spraypainting the spider?

Tom Servo:
Close your shirt! We have your chest surrounded!

Tom Servo:
[seeing gumball machine on screen, cryin] HUH! MOM! Mother? Oh mother. Mommy, mommy. My roots.

Tom Servo:
He is self-consciously dreamy.

TV's Frank:
I have a hard time... um... communicating with people.

Tom Servo:
They wanted to do "Little Women" but they can't! Ha ha ha.

Rick:
Y'see Fred boy. All it takes is a little cooperation.

Crow T. Robot:
And some hot rollers.

Crow T. Robot:
It sounds like Shaft is coming!

Mike Nelson:
Shut your mouth.

Tom Servo:
[a duck is at the party] Now this is ridiculous!

Crow T. Robot:
Yeah, first of all, we're assuming they paid cover.

Tom Servo:
So where did they get the money?

Mike Nelson:
Maybe they put it on the bill?

Crow T. Robot:
I reject Tommy Kirk and all his works.

Tom Servo:
Uh, she's tonguing the universe.

Mike Nelson:
If it rains much more they will turn into sea monkeys.

Crow T. Robot:
Chicks love big ducks, let's face it.

Joel Robinson, Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo:
Attica! Attica! Attica!

[Reading Robert Ginty's name in the credits]

Joel Robinson:
He's the Ginty-est!

[a close-up shot of the motorcycle]

Crow T. Robot:
Oh, so he's a Shriner. See? He's got a shotgun that shoots candy.

Tom Servo:
Have you ever worked with "Killdozer?"

Mega-Weapon:
Oh, don't ever mention his name! I'll tell you guys, he is one temperamental piece of machinery. I remember Clint Walker refused to run lines with him, and he drove off in a huff.

[the hero kisses the heroine]

Crow:
Oh, just drape a piece of liver over her face; it'd have the same effect.

Dr. Forrester:
Afternoon, Joel. Hello, robot super-pals. If you have a moment, and I assume you do, Frank and I would like to demonstrate an amazing new fitness product. It's called the Square Master. You see, the Square Master allows you to maximize your human potential because Square Master uses one of nature's most perfect shapes for your perfect shape. How does it work? Frank? Square Master allows you to utilize complicated principles of inertia and mass. Simply, efficiently, naturally. How? By using nature's perfectly-balanced muscle-resistant: gravity. That's right, for a beginning anaerobic workout, start with hands on the outside of the square. Then, when you're ready, go inside the square. Put your feet on the square. Sit on the square and simulate rowing. As your workout improves, you can link two squares together to form a rectangle. Now you're really working out. And for full aerobic conditioning, work on your Shemp area.

Tom Servo:
[seeing the title "Werewolf"] How should I know? You saw him last!

Mike Nelson:
Pow-wow, the Indian boy, loved all the animals in the west

Mike Nelson, Tom Servo, Crow:
We will, we will, rock you!

Mike Nelson, Tom Servo, Crow:
TUSK!

Tom Servo:
So they ran through the briars, and they ran through the brambles, And they ran through the places where a rabbit wouldn't go

Crow:
Gypsies, tramps, and thieves! We heard it from the people of the town!

Mike Nelson, Tom Servo, Crow:
TUSK!

Mike Nelson:
High on a hill lived a lonely goatherd, Ladee-yodel-ladee-yodel-la-hee-hoo!

Tom Servo:
Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, Right down Santa Claus Lane!

Mike Nelson, Tom Servo, Crow:
TUSK!

Crow:
Give it away, give it away, give it away, now! Give it away, give it away, give it away, now!

Mike Nelson:
I've got a brand new pair of roller skates, You've got a brand new key!

Mike Nelson, Tom Servo, Crow:
TUSK!

Tom Servo:
Admiral Halsey notified me, He had to have a bath or he couldn't get to sleep

Crow:
And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, Little Boy Blue and the man in the moon!

Mike Nelson:
In your Easter bonnet, with all the frills upon it

Tom Servo:
One night in Bangkok makes a strong man crumble

Crow:
Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry, When I take you out in a surrey

Mike Nelson:
We were merely freshmen!

Mike Nelson, Tom Servo, Crow:
Oh, Suzanna, oh don't you cry for me, 'Cause I come from Alabammy with a banjo on my knee!

Mike Nelson, Tom Servo, Crow:
TUSK!

Mike Nelson:
Hmm, Travis Bickle moved out to the suburbs.

Crow:
I think Ray Liotta would make an okay werewolf.

Tom Servo:
No, he smells like apples.

Mike Nelson:
Somehow, Janet Reno is behind this.

Crow:
This is a strange remake of Jane Eyre.

Crow:
You know, it's economical not to have a storyline, cause then you can just film people saying things.

[after the security guard/werewolf crashes his car]

Tom Servo:
Did those oil barrels just leap out in front of him?

Crow:
So, his plan is to rid the world of security guards by changing them into werewolves one by one and then having them crash their cars?

Mike Nelson:
Well, uh, it seems to be working so far.

Tom Servo:
Here we go. This is good, because it's been a couple minutes since a woman's been brutalized.

[Paul turns off the radio; the soundtrack cuts out]

Mike Nelson:
[laughing] Thanks for turning off the bad soundtrack.

Natalie:
Well, maybe then it's too late!

Mike Nelson:
Wow. The future conditional pluperfect subjunctive.

Mike Nelson:
Flagstaff: industry! Family! Foreign people talking in attics!

Sam the Keeper:
Something horrible has happened!

Mike Nelson:
I passed my tapeworm!

Yuri:
[to Natalie] Let's talk.

Mike Nelson:
Wonder what language they'll use? Austrian, Portuguese, Bulgarian, Catalan...

Tom Servo:
Ah, great! A random citizen who can kick a werewolf's ass.

Natalie:
Paul, that's not a scratch. It's a deep cut!

Crow:
Speaking of "deep cuts", did this scene really need to be in the movie?

Natalie:
So it all comes to this?

Tom Servo:
The thing that it comes to?

Natalie:
You and Noel is in it for fame and fortune?

Crow:
Yes, we is.

Crow:
Paul! You is a wurr-wilf!

Crow:
Well, so far the star power consists of Charlie Sheen's uncle.

Natalie:
I'm not holding back anything!

Crow:
Certainly not talent.

[Natalie drives Paul back to his house]

Crow:
[as Natalie, flatly] Where you live is incredible.

Paul:
So, here we are.

Mike Nelson:
Mr. Smooth.

Paul:
Would you like to come up for a drink?

Tom Servo:
Oh, yeah! The one-two punch.

Mike Nelson:
A random citizen who can kick a werewolf's ass!

Tom Servo:
Quick apply intravenous nair!

Crow:
Dictator for life, Santa!

Sam the Keeper:
Come on in, we're expecting you...

Tom Servo:
Why don't you head down to the crawl space, I'll be right there to kill ya... he he he

Sam the Keeper:
Glad to see you could make it...

Mike Nelson:
Did you bring your anti-government propaganda?

Crow:
Well, I got a squirrel in the oven if you're hungry...

Tom Servo:
An American Werewolf in Traffic.

Crow:
Now that I can drive, those caribou don't stand a chance!

Tom Servo:
[as Paul is shown contemplating his fight with Yuri in the previous scene] She can't help but be impressed with the way I handled that situation - the way I scurried out of there when he ordered me to...

Tom Servo:
Hey Suzie, what's the matter?

Crow:
Yeah Suzie, what's wrong?

Mike Nelson:
Oh nothing... I guess...

Tom Servo:
Come on, you can tell us!

Crow:
Yeah!

Mike Nelson:
Gee, I dunno girls... Okay it's like this...

Tom Servo, Crow:
Uh huh?

Mike Nelson:
You know, Steve?

Tom Servo, Crow:
Uh huh!

Mike Nelson:
[singing] Steve's a werewolf but he's my g-uy, he's different from the rest, I don't know why. But my mother and pop, they disapprove, but no one can stop us for it true "luve"

Tom Servo, Crow:
Huh?

Mike Nelson:
[Talking] Well I had to rhyme words

Tom Servo, Crow:
[Muttering in agreement] Sure, sure. Got it. Go ahead.

Mike Nelson:
[singing with Tom and Crow doing Shooby do bops] Where oh werewolf, I've looked everywhere wolf. Where oh where, where is my werewolf?

Mike Nelson:
Listen girls [singing] Late one night we drove in his c-ar, to make out point, it wasn't that far...

Tom Servo:
Take the Hiawatha exit, left at the first stop sign

Mike Nelson:
Well whose story is this, Carol?

Tom Servo:
Sorry, he he

Mike Nelson:
[singing] The moon was full, he pulled me clo-se, I held his paw and I touched his cold nose

Crow:
That means he's healthy!

Mike Nelson:
But then, his hairy paws caused the wheel to slide!

Tom Servo, Crow:
No!

Mike Nelson:
I screamed, too late! We hit a tree, he died

Tom Servo, Crow:
Gee, that's to bad Suzie

Tom Servo, Mike Nelson, Crow:
[Sung in unison] Where oh werewolf, I've looked everywhere wolf, where oh where, oh where, oh where, oh where is my werewolf?

Crow:
[people are uncovering a skeleton in the desert] No shoes. He was killed for his Nikes.

Noel:
At the risk of sounding nuts...

Crow:
I've replaced my toes with grapes.

[hearing a door closing]

Crow:
That was the sound of the director giving up and leaving.

Yuri:
Are you calling me a psychopath?

Crow:
I'll kill your whole family if you call me that!

Tom Servo:
Ladies and gentlemen, the world's least successful werewolf.

Tom Servo:
Well whaddaya know, a random citizen who can kick a werewolf's ass.

Crow:
Rock 'em sock 'em archeologists.

Mike Nelson:
Man, infants are such babies.

Tom Servo:
I can't believe people call me a psycho, I'm gonna take those people's heads and carve em' into ashtrays.

Tom Servo:
Gosh, Joel, that biker guy sure is sleazy, but boy, what a vocabulary!

Crow T. Robot:
Yeah, he's quite eloquent for a piece of lowlife scum.

Joel:
Oh, well, you guys might be surprised to find out that a lot of the great thinkers of this century actually rode in motorcycle gangs. In fact, I've got a few drawings...

Crow T. Robot:
Oh, don't tell me, you've prepared a presentation using artists' renderings.

Joel:
Right. You know, you read me like a book. And anyone who reads a lot of books will know who the Algonquin Round Table was.

Tom Servo:
Well, of course! Alexander Wolcott, George S. Kaufman, Robert Benchley, Dorothy Parker...

Joel:
Right! Well, I've got this drawing here... bring it in a little bit, Cambot. Here's the group, here's their gang. It's called "Satan's Sardonics." Now, these guys terrorized the whole East Coast until one day they were unexpectedly wiped out in a rumble with the cast of "What's My Line?"

Crow T. Robot:
Wow, I guess that Bennett Cerf is tougher than people thought!

Joel:
Yeah! Now, when you think of a tough, macho writer who writes in a tense, hard-boiled style, who do you think of?

Tom Servo:
Uh... Truman Capote?

Joel:
Exactly! See? His gang, "Oscar's Wilde Ones" - they were leather boys - were all the rage until Norman Mailer's gang, "Hell's Egos," mixed it up with Gore Vidal's gang, "The Vidal Sassoons."

Crow T. Robot:
Boy, sounds pretty messy! "If they don't look good, we don't look good!"

Joel:
Yeah, there was gel and mousse for miles around. The carnage didn't end until they all joined forces and finally beat up... Dick Cavett.

[after Linda points a gun at the gun shop owner]

Joel:
[as Linda] Ahem, I'd like to return these bullets to their original owner.

Jeeter:
Oh, we're good on bikes, but cars are a different tale.

Tom Servo:
Apparently, they have more wheels on them, or something.

Joel:
We'll be right back after this important message. Hey, kids!

Tom Servo, Joel, Crow T. Robot:
[commercial jingle starts] We're Wiiiiild Rebels! Crunchy, fruity rebels! Pouring milk on them is like shooting off a gun!

Joel:
It's Wild Rebels Cereal, the nutritious cereal that's like getting hit in back of the head with a surfboard of flavor!

Tom Servo:
Look! Marshmallow Fattys!

Crow T. Robot:
Sugary Lindas!

Joel:
I got tangy, twangy Banjos!

Tom Servo:
Crunchy oat Rods!

Crow T. Robot:
And Jeeters, too! Die, Jeeter, die!

Magic Voice:
[music stops] Kids? What are you doing in there?

Tom Servo, Joel, Crow T. Robot:
Having a good breakfast, mom.

Tom Servo:
[music starts again] Pour on the milk! One, two! One, two, three, four!

Tom Servo, Joel, Crow T. Robot:
Wiiiild Rebels! Bunchy, crunchy rebels! Don't bust your teeth on something sweet and hard!

Joel:
Wild Rebels Cereal, part of this complete breakfast.

Crow T. Robot:
Hey, there's a cheap surprise inside!

Joel:
I got a gun!

Tom Servo:
I got a sawed-off pool cue with a leather strap!

Crow T. Robot:
I got a chunk of hose filled with lead shot!

Tom Servo:
All right, let's take it home!

Tom Servo, Joel, Crow T. Robot:
They won't get soft or squishy! Better eat 'em, or you're a sissy! Just pound 'em down, you stupid clown, they're WIIIIILD!

Joel:
Wild Rebels Cereal. Just eat 'em.

Crow T. Robot:
For those of you watching at home, we have no idea WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!

[watching a zombie wielding a baseball bat]

Tom Servo:
George Romero's "Casey at the Bat".

Crow:
[Reading the cast credits for 'Zombie Nightmare'] Wait a minute, guys. Tia Carrere is in this movie. We may actually have to pay attention.

Tom Servo:
[as Crazy Voodoo Lady Talking to Adam West] So, what, is your Bat Mobile in the shop or something?

Mike Nelson:
[as Adam West] Shut up!

Mike Nelson:
[as girl] Think I'll walk down Certain Doom Lane.

Tom Servo:
It takes a man to wear Farrah Fawcet hair.

Crow:
Synthesizers signal suspense!

Crow:
[as guy pulling up in car] Hi. I'm a samaritan. Can I do anything?

Tom Servo:
[sung like "Amore"] When your car hits a guy and his body goes fly, that's a dead guy.

Tom Servo:
[after Adam West pulls out his gun] This is Tim Burton's last night on Earth.

Crow T. Robot:
[as Adam West, frustrated, picks up a telephone] Hello? 1-900-SPANK ME?

[All in dramatic Adam West impersonations]

Tom Servo:
Let's get this straight! Let's make a Batman movie but NOT call Adam West?

Crow:
I could've worked with Nicholson!

Mike Nelson:
[Adam West reaches for the phone] I'll call Burt Ward, I know HE'S not busy!

MY BABIES!!!

Mystery Science Theater 3000

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