China, Il

China, Il

China, IL (meaning China, Illinois) is an American adult animated sitcom created by Brad Neely for the Adult Swim programming block on Cartoon Network. The series was originally conceived as a web series on Adult Swim's defunct comedy website, Super Deluxe, in 2008. Neely, who had done I Am Baby Cakes and The Professor Brothers shorts for Super Deluxe in 2006, envisioned the characters in each series to coexist in the same universe. With the relationship in mind, he produced a four-part internet series entitled China, IL, which was published on Super Deluxe in 2008. An 11-minute television special combining the shorts, titled "China, IL: The Funeral", aired on Adult Swim on May 25, 2008. Neely stated that a major inspiration behind the premise of the series derives from his lack of college experiences and his Arkansan upbringing. Episodes are written among a writing staff headed by Neely of six-to-eight people; for voice-over work, the crew works on two or three hours of dialogue for a certain character, followed by storyboard meetings, dailies, and rough cuts, with Neely directing other actors who come in after him. China, IL ended on June 14, 2015, with a total of 30 episodes, following the series finale "Magical Pet".

Genre: Comedy
Director(s): Brad Neely
Year:
2011
433 Views

[Steve and Kally's Family gets into an argument about Toy Movie 3]

Kally's Dad:
YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND UNIVERSAL THEMES!

Steve Smith:
[grunts]

Kally:
It's a sweet, sweet movie!

Steve Smith:
No, no, that movie is about a kid's unhealthy relationship with some objects!

Kally's Dad:
Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Steve Smith:
It'd be different if he knew that those objects loved him, but he doesn't!

Kally's Dad:
No! Oh, please!

Steve Smith:
And that kid is not ready for college, by the way!

Kally's Dad:
No, don't you see?! It's sublime!

Steve Smith:
No!

Kally's Dad:
It's for everyone, but it's also for really wise people!

Steve Smith:
Oh, no, it is for people who are pro-slavery!

Kally:
WHAT?! PRO-SLAVERY?!

Kally's Dad:
ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME?!

Steve Smith:
Yes, it's about property that should be so devoted to the master...

Kally's Dad:
No!

Kally:
No, shut up!

Steve Smith:
...that they'll do anything to get back to him so that he can use them again.

Kally's Dad:
Ah, Steve!

Kally:
Stop it!

Steve Smith:
They are party slaves, and he doesn't even know they have feelings!

Kally's Dad:
YOU FOOL, IT'S ABOUT GOD AND DEATH!

Steve Smith:
No, no, no!

Kally's Dad:
IT'S ABOUT EVRYTHING!

Kally:
It has heart!

Steve Smith:
[groans loudly]

Kally:
Where's your heart?

Steve Smith:
Oh, my god, KALLY!

Kally's Dad:
I CRIED! BUT I CRIED SO F***ING HARD!

Steve Smith:
Come on, Bob!

Kally's Dad:
AND YOU ARE A F***ING MONSTER!

Steve Smith:
AND YOU ARE PRO-HOARDING!

Kally's Dad:
I HATE YOU!

Kally:
He didn't even like the ending, Dad!

Kally's Dad:
OH, HOW?!

Steve Smith:
KALLY!

Kally's Dad:
THEY WERE ALL CRYING ABOUT DYING!

Steve Smith:
[scoffs]

Kally's Dad:
Alright, okay, you tell me, what is a good movie?!

Steve Smith:
I don't know -- "Last Tango In Paris".

Kally's Dad:
WHAT?! THEY USE BUTTER AS ANAL LUBE IN THAT FILM!

Steve Smith:
It's a classic movie about adults doing what adults do.

Kally:
Oh, you're a f***ing pervert!

Steve Smith:
I'M A F***ING ADULT!

Matt Attack:
Yo, Flip.

Flip Flop:
Yo, man. 'Sup? Hey, that was, like, pretty crazily accidental what happened today, right?

Matt Attack:
[laughs] Oh, yeah, man. Don't worry about it. Sh*t happens in the gym.

Flip Flop:
Yeah, totally. That's what I was thinking. Peace. [to Steve] Yo, you know I want to call you brother, dawg, but I'll just say peace! [leaves]

Steve Smith:
So, uh, what was Flip Flop talking about there?

Matt Attack:
It was stupid. We were in the showers. I spun around and accidentally slang my dick into his dick. No big deal.

Steve Smith:
Oh, yeah. I mean, gyms are weird, right? I mean, things happen.

Matt Attack:
Oh, and hey, don't tell me Pony about the dick touch. She'll turn it into a thing. She got a big mouth.

Steve Smith:
Oh, yeah. I gotcha. Mum's the word. Mm-hmm.

Matt Attack:
I got to get to chemistry. I'll catch you later.

Steve Smith:
Cool, cool.

[Matt leaves]

Steve Smith:
[calls Pony] Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Pony:
'Sup, Steve?

Steve Smith:
Pony, Matt told me this juicy secret. He -- He even told me not to tell you, but --

Pony:
Wait, he told you not to tell me?

Steve Smith:
[chuckling] Yeah, but screw that. He said that he and Flip Flop "accidentally" touch d*cks in the shower.

Pony:
That's literally crazy. Why would he tell you not to tell me?

Steve Smith:
I don't know. He said you're a bad secret keeper, but --

Pony:
Hey! I'm a great secret keeper. Stacy told me about her abortions. I never told anybody about those. And nobody knows about Tina's fake b*obs thanks to me!

Steve Smith:
Yeah, those secrets are...well-kept.

Pony:
I got it all figured the F out. Listen to this. [opens the morgue] Professor Cakes' girlfriend.

Frank Smith:
[disgust] Mnh.

Pony:
One -- A month and a half ago, Professor Cakes' girlfriend died. Two -- He must have really loved her because, looking at his research, he became obsessed with resurrecting her. Three -- He took a trip to Haiti, where he must have procured this spell. Four -- It states that, if it's done correctly, it will bring back to life, all the people that had died within one month prior to the spell's enactment. So...Cakes found a kid, Patient Zero, with no family, that could be his sacrifice. Five -- He contained the kid, he practiced the spell, and he built chambers in case anything went wrong.

Frank Smith:
So his plan was to resurrect his choked-out girlfriend by killing Patient Zero and then resurrecting him, along with everybody else who had died on the planet within a month? I mean, that's -- That's crazy.

Pony:
Yep. But...six -- He did it wrong. The recipe clearly call for spiced rum. He used coconut rum. And seven -- Here we are.

Frank Smith:
Hold on. If everyone who had died came back to life, I mean, that's -- That's newsworthy. I mean, had they never done this spell before?

Pony:
Well, it says that no one will remember except for the person casting the spell and the person sacrificed.

Frank Smith:
So, wait. What does this mean? I mean, you're not thinking...

Pony:
Frank, we can do the spell and bring everyone back. Just one of us must die...temporarily.

Frank Smith:
F*** no.

Pony:
I knew you'd say that. So -- I'll be the sacrifice.

Frank Smith:
Also, no.

Flowers Woman:
Hello. 1-800-Flowers. How may I --

Frank Smith:
[interrupt] I got 30 bucks. What can I get?

Flowers Woman:
Well, um, okay. It seems we have only one bouquet under $40.

Frank Smith:
Credit card number is 4507-3300-0000-0022. Expiration 02/18.

Flowers Woman:
Let me give you a confirmation number.

Frank Smith:
Just send it to 679 Oak Street, China, Illinois, 60010 asap, okay? We done?

Flowers Woman:
Uh, sure. We'll get that "I love you more than anything" bouquet right out.

Frank Smith:
WAIT! NO! NO! NO! THAT COULD BE CONSTRUED AS ROMANTIC! AAH! [hangs up]

[Frank calls another flower employee]

Flowers Guy:
1-800-Flow--

Frank Smith:
Hey, I need to cancel an order I just made!

Flowers Guy:
Greta. Can I get a confirmation number?

Frank Smith:
I DON'T HAVE THAT YOU NAZI! PLEASE!

Flowers Guy:
Well, I can transfer you to a local delivery.

Frank Smith:
Yes! Do it!

[Flowers Delivery Guy takes his place as his caller]

Flowers Delivery Guy:
Local Flower Delivery, how may I --

Frank Smith:
Hey, listen, I got to cancel an order.

Flowers Delivery Guy:
Whoa! You're breaking the protocol. Now...how may I help you today?

Frank Smith:
I need to cancel an order for Frank Smith.

Flowers Delivery Guy:
Can I get the confirmation number?

Frank Smith:
[sarcastic] Oh, shoot. I've misplace it. Darn.

Flowers Delivery Guy:
Sorry. No confirmation, no nothing.

Frank Smith:
AAH! YOU CAT SH*T! HELP ME!! CANCEL IT!!

Flowers Delivery Guy:
I've never failed in completing a delivery, and this "I love you more than anything" bouquet will make it to Crystal Peppers, PERIOD!

Frank Smith:
[kick and bangs the table several times] OH, MY GOD!! GODDAMN IT! GAAH!

[Pony plays Dungeons and Dragons]

Pony:
What do I look like?

[transitions to the next scene where Pony is in a imaginary game where she's in drawrven armor]

Cravid:
You're in level seven dwarven armor.

Pony:
No, I don't like this. It widens me. Where's the clothing hut?

Baby Cakes:
Pony, that armor is really good. It'll protect you.

Pony:
Whatever.

Pony:
Hey, yo, wenches.

Cravid:
Uh, what is she doing?

Pony:
I'm trading this man armor for some wench wear. Cravid, do they trade?

Cravid:
Well, yeah. You pretty much just gave them 100,000 realm bucks.

Pony:
Okay, cool. Now what?

Baby Cakes:
Well, now we go fight -- For blood crystals.

Pony:
Whoa, fight? Why? Are we d*cks? Why don't we just go in that bar and get drunk?

Matt Attack:
Finally! Let's go drink beer and f*** some ginger elven women. Boom!

Pony:
Oh, it's beer only? I want a girlie drink.

Baby Cakes:
Pony, please, you're embarrassing yourself. Okay, let's all go raid the Goblin's Watchtower.

Cravid:
Cool. So...

[imaginary sequence intensifies as one of the gang sneak pass from the goblin troll with a wand]

Pony:
Ooh, what's that pretty thing?

Baby Cakes:
Oh, you got so much to learn.

[Pony takes Goblin's wand]

Cravid:
Finally, someone selects the ultimate power and dexterity-enhancing weapon!

Baby Cakes:
What?! What the f***?

Pony:
Cool, cool. Now what? Roll a die? Roll at someone? B.C., I roll at you.

Baby Cakes:
No, no, wait, don't!

[Pony rolls the die]

Cravid:
Pony has gained initiative. If she cares to strike...

Pony:
Yeah, I strike.

[Pony rolled a 20]

Cravid:
[mortified] Baby Cakes, mightiest of all leaders...you are slain.

[Baby Cakes does a dramatic lose act]


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