Delocated

Jon:
Look, son, I know things are weird right now. But I'm still your Dad, and I want you to put the mask on.

David:
I don't think God would want me to wear a ski mask while I become a man.

Jon:
I see. God doesn't want you to wear the mask.

David:
Yeah.

Jon:
Is that what you're telling me?

David:
Yeah.

Jon:
Well, you're on the phone with a girlfriend you're trying to impress by saying, "Ah, religion's all hocus-pocus", 'cause you want to have sex with her. I guess God is okay with the whole ska-themed Bar Mitzvah, but the mask is too much for God.

Jon:
[sighs] And while we're at it, I guess every surviving member of the Holocaust got no problem with the ska-themed Bar Mitzvah, right? Although, wait a minute. I'm sorry. I guess today we got to call it the "Ska-Locaust". Think about the mask, please.

Seth:
Hey, it's America's newest reality TV star!

Jon:
Hey, it's America's biggest a**hole!

[Jon dances at David's Bar Mitzvah]

Jon:
[singing] I am having good tiiime. I am having a good ti-ime.

David:
Dad.

Jon:
[singing] Ooh, dee-dee-dee-dee, dee-dee-dee-dee-dee.

David:
It's embarrassing, Dad.

Jon:
What a baby.

Jon:
Um, before I get ahead of myself here, I just want to clear up in case -- I've got some unfamiliar faces, to me at least, out here. I'm David's Dad. My name is Jon. I just wanted to make sure no one out there thinks there was a bank "Ska-ber" running around. [chuckles]

One guy at the back:
[coughs]

Jon:
Oh, come on. Bank Skaber. Bank Robber, Bank Skaber. Robber, Ska, Skaber. Easily the most creative and least obvious ska pun of the night gets nothing. I see. Okay. I didn't even want to do this in the first place. You know, I wouldn't even be thinking of ska puns, wasting my time with it, if David hadn't decided to disgrace God with a ska-themed Bar Mitzvah. It was his first decision as a man, and I decided to go with it. And, uh, let's just hope his decision get a little better from here.

Jon:
Oh, also, I thought of a pretty good knock-knock joke today that I thought I would share. You guys can tell it at school later. Here it goes. "Knock knock", "Who's there"? "The federal agent". "The federal agent, who"? "The federal agent who is obviously trying to plant his bone in my wife's front yard. So obvious. It's like every time I look, it's like -- Oh, really? You can't be, like, a little more subtle about it?

[Mike snatches the microphone from Jon]

Jon:
Hey, give me the microphone back.

Mike:
Come on, Jon, let's go.

Jon:
Give me the microphone. Or do you want to have gangbang with all your ska buddies with my wife at the ska club?

Mike:
[to the audience] Sorry, everybody.

Jon:
Move.

Mike:
[to the audience] Uh, Skazel Tov.

Chris:
You should get some air.

Jon:
What? Get some air? Get some SKA, how's that? I'll get air.

Jon:
Don't push me. You protect me! Did you forget there's a Russian guy out there right now trying to kill me?!

Jon:
Wait, hold on a second. Dennis Farina was here?... and no-one comes to get me? He's my favorite actor! Thanks a lot, once in a lifetime chance. Y'know I do an awesome Farina? He'd look at me and go 'Oh my God, you do me so great. I can't believe it, it's like looking in the mirror, this guy.'

Jon:
I know things were crazy at the end of Season 1. Things are gonna be great for Season 2.

Kim:
Please don't refer to our life as seasons.

Kim:
Jon, I am not packing for a vacation.

Jon:
Alright, we'll stay here... have a stay-cation. Or, even better... check into the Hotel Jon, have a lay-cation. Check into the meat suite. Up and down all night, make ya feel alright.

Jon:
A brand new sandwich?

Nicky:
In honor of your short-lived political career.

Jon:
It is stunning. I'm honored. Wow. [takes a bite of the sandwich] Mmm. Crack of the crust. The taste of the must...tard, mustard. Doing backflips on my tongue. Flippity floppity, tippity toppity. Taste don't stoppity. Too much taste. Haste makes taste. None goes to waste when I'm chewing, when I'm doing. Mmm. Don't stop the flavor. Flavor wave. Wave flav.

Jon:
That is great news. SO happy for you. Too bad for me... that my wife is leaving me to f*** some dude. But, hey man, glad your cat's gonna be okay. PSYCHED. So good. Super news, buddy. GREAT seeing you!

Jon:
Psychologically rape me once, shame on you. Psychologically rape me twice, cock-a-doodle doo, Jon will sue.

Bryce Grieke:
Okay, so you're saying that you want to sue Mighty Joe Jon because he pranked you.

Jon:
It's not just because he pranked me. He's -- He's taken laughter, and he's made it emotionally damaging to the point of psychological rape. My brain was raped, Bryce. W-We can't sue for that?

Bryce Grieke:
I'll admit, that's very compelling. I mean, it is. It's just tough. I mean, maybe we could classify it as a hate crime.

Jon:
Yes! That's it, man. It's a hate crime! Look at one of the guys trying to kill me. He's a comedian, for crying out loud. I mean, right?

Bryce Grieke:
Well, if we could establish a case and win, you'd be entitled to rights as a special victim.

Jon:
That's exactly what I am. Call the court. Set it up.

Bryce Grieke:
There's no phone calls involved.

Jon:
Let me know after you call court when we're all set.

Bryce Grieke:
There's no phone calls involved. We just file paperwork.

Jon:
WE'RE GONNA TAKE HIM DOWN!

Jon:
Oh, I'll make do. I'll make do with you.

Kim:
Honey, what are you doing?

Jon:
[crying] I'm crying.

Kim:
Why?

Jon:
[crying] 'Cause my life is being portrayed on TV in an unflattering light.

Ross:
I've been meaning to introduce myself. Ross Bennett. I'm the club pro.

Jon:
Oh, hey, good to meet ya. I got a feeling you and I are gonna get to know each other very well, 'cause I need help with my slice.

Ross:
I can definitely help cure your slice. But what I can't do is teach you how to swim.

Jon:
What?

Ross:
I've been talking with some of the other club members. And apparently, a lot of people aren't too comfortable with the shading of your ski mask.

Jon:
Excuse me?

Ross:
I just think we'd all be a little happier if you switched to a mask that was...I don't know, perhaps a little bit lighter in color.

Jon:
Yeah, I don't think I catch your meaning.

Ross:
Oh, I think you do. You might want to think about changing that mask before the big tournament next weekend.

Ross:
It'd be a shame if my driver accidentally slipped out of my hands and hit you in the head.

Jon:
Yeah, it'd be a shame if my driver...slipped out of my penis and hit you in the hands.

Mike:
You really screwed up that insult.

Jon:
I was flustered, Mike, 'cause I had some thug in my face while my bodyguard just stood there.

Mike:
Why would your penis --

Jon:
I don't know, Mike. I'm upset, okay? I meant to say that, you know, that my driver slips out of my penis. But, uh, whatever.

Josh Hamilton:
[to another actor] Oh, god, I'd go insane if I had to wear this thing all the time. No wonder he's such a dick. [laughs]

Jon:
...

Susan:
[to Jon] Oh, no. No, no. Don't even feel bad. No.

Jon:
Oh, yeah, by all means, don't feel bad calling me a...dick in front of my son. Don't feel bad about that at all! You've obviously been given a very one-sided picture of me, and that's fine. But there are two sides to every story. On one side, you've got the jilted wife, who is scared and bailed out on her husband in his greatest time of need, and let strange men call her ex-husband a dick in front of her son! The other side of the story is that I'm an honorary black man who is way too proud and confident to worry about it, so...no problem.

Susan:
What does that even mean, Jon?

Jon:
David, we're gonna head out.

David:
Bye, Mom.

Susan:
Bye, sweetie. Have a great weekend.

Jon:
He will have a great weekend, thank you.

David:
Dad, what was all that honorary black man stuff you were talking about?

Jon:
Well, I'm an honorary black man now, and that makes you half honorary black, and I want you to take a lot of pride in that.

Jon:
[upon receiving an invitation to the Witness Protection mixer] It's here.

Rob:
It's here!

Jon, Rob:
[excitedly jumping up and down in a circle] IT'S HERE! IT'S HERE! IT'S HERE! IT'S HERE! IT'S HERE! IT'S HERE! IT'S HERE! IT'S HERE! IT'S HERE!

[Jon meets face to face when government captured Sergei]

Sergei:
I enjoyed visiting your parents.

Jon:
YOU'RE A [bleep] DEAD MAN, A**HOLE! YOU'RE DEAD! YOU'RE [bleep] DEAD!

Sergei:
Go ahead. Kill me. What do I care anymore? I broke you down! [laughs]

Jon:
LET GO!

Sergei:
I won! I WON!

Jon:
Let go of me!

Rob:
Come on!

Jon:
LET GO!

Yvgeny:
Ohhh. Is little johnny going to cry now? [whimpers mockingly]

Jon:
Don;t you make that [bleep] face at me!

Yvgeny:
I'm so sad! [laughs]

Jon:
I'll rip your f***ing face off! I'll rip it off and I'll put it on my face, and I'll infiltrate your family and kill your friends, you like that? You ever see Face/Off? You ever see that movie, a**hole? Somebody get this a**hole Face/Off! Get him a DVD, guys! Go to the store, there's a tower down the street.

Rob:
Get him a DVD.

Jon:
Show it to him.

Greg DiPietro:
[to gov agent] Get him a DVD.

Jon:
Make sure you get the Criterion one, the one that's got extras on it. There's two -- There's two different DVDs. Y'know what? Get both. Get both.

Greg DiPietro:
Jon, come here.

Jon:
Get ready to watch a movie, a**hole.

Jon:
Fire up the fire-up chainsaw!

Jon:
I'm not really supposed to talk about what I did for a living previously... but let's just say it rhymed with architect.

Date #2:
I hope you're not allergic to cats.

Jon:
I hope you're not allergic to love.

Jon:
I'm also in the... sexual intercourse protection program.

Jon:
Kim is just creative and fun in ways Susan never was, you know? It's like when she found out I liked mexican food and she made me that tortilla blanket. Who does that? She's awesome.

Mike:
I don't think I even told you this. The other day, I found a smiley face drawn on my earpiece. And I know it was Kim. She knows how to keep things light.

Jon:
Keeping it light...is outta sight.

Jon:
Even though I don't love you, and I certainly don't love you enough to get married, I still want you to be my exclusive girlfriend. Promise me that, even though you're gonna fantasize about other dudes and, y'know, it's like you can't get over the top with your orgasm and you gotta go to your go-to guy, maybe it's like your high school boyfriend. Whoever you do that thing with, y'know, just promise me you'll never take him to the bone zone. For real. Just me.

[while Susan says her moments with Fake Jon, the Real Jon shows up to the funeral]

Susan:
What the f***?

Jon:
No, please, keep talking. Those are the nicest things you've said about me in months. [sees a cardboard of himself] Hello, me. And hello to everybody. STILL ALIVE! How's it feel? Camera in your face -- How do you feel now? Do you like this? A-hole. Can't do anything without being followed by a camera. You can't even coze out with your gal -- Wrap myself up in that smokin' bod. Camera's -- Sweetheart, I'm just making a point. Your body's awesome. It's insane, and I can't enjoy it with cameras around. IT SUCKS, and I'm sick of it. And now you know what it's like to be me. Now you're me. You're me, and you're all -- You're ALL me.

Susan:
WHAT?! YOU BROUGHT THIS ON YOURSELF! YOU ASKED FOR THIS. YOU DRAGGED DAVID AND ME INTO THIS STUPID SHOW WE NEVER WANTED TO DO, ANYWAY.

Jon:
Don't you dare make this about you. How selfish -- A man is dead, [to Fake Jon] And you're gonna start making this about yourself. Want to tell you about this guy.

Jon:
His name is Mark. He used to own a rollerblading store, drove a , uh, Dodge Durango...candy-apple red.

Jon:
Yeah, so, then -- Then, his wife, now ex-wife, jets off to Mexico with her new greek boyfriend.

Jon:
So, then I told him about, uh, Nicky's Grinders, and he already heard of it. Like, "Dude, I get the number 4".

Jon:
So, yeah, okay, fine. Want to be pissed off at me? Go ahead. You can be pissed off at me for the rest of your life. Right now, there's a man behind me that needs a funeral, and a proper one at that.

Music Producer:
This is Napping Sounds with Joe", take 1.

Jon:
Welcome to Napping Sounds with Jon". Got a lot of babies tired babies out there, so let's get right to it. You know, I've been told I've got a very soothing voice, so don't try to fight it. Think of my voice as a fist and think of you trying to stay awake as the face. And think of that fist punching that face right in the face...over and over and over again.

Jon:
Fasten your weird belts for that one, 'cause the only place you're gonna see something like that is in a town called WeirdVille. Not gonna find that anywhere on a map. Yeah, waitress, I'll take a tuna melt -- Hold the weird. Comes on the side. In case you couldn't figure it out, I was pretending to be in a diner right now, ordering food. I knew that.

Jon:
Y'know what they call a diner in WeirdVille? They call it a weird. Know what they call food in WeirdVille? They call it "Food". Sounds good.

Jon:
If, at this point in the album, you're listening and you kid's still awake...

Jon:
No way, jose.

Jon:
...you bring the CD back -- You get your money back. That's what I call a bargain. That's the Jon guarantee.

Jon:
[sighs] I don't know. Um, maybe just a little bit of enthusiasm would be nice. That's all I'm asking. Just a little bit.

Susan:
I'm sorry.

David:
I can't get excited about this, Dad.

Jon:
Well, how about, then, if you just sit up? How about that?

Mike:
Okay, guys. Here's the deal. Basically, to preserve your anonymity, you'll be wearing the ski masks whenever you're on camera, which will be just about all the time. And the surgery you all had to put micro-titanium voice harmonizer right on your vocal cords was to permanently disguise your voices.

Jon:
I think it makes us sound pretty cool. [laughs]

Susan:
Listen, I want to go on record by saying I hate my security name. "Susan"? Why didn't I get to pick it?

Mike:
Just a government regulation.

Susan:
Well, I would have preferred to have been called "Jodie" or "Diane".

Jon:
Oh, "Jodie" or "Diane"...

Susan:
Yeah!

Jon:
...is a million times better than "Susan". You're right.

Susan:
I think so.

David:
What about you, Mike? Are you staying here?

Mike:
No, no. Now, don't you worry. I'm coming with you guys. [chuckles]

Mike:
So, all that remains to be done now is for you guys to get to New York and start your new lives. Everyone excited?

Jon:
Yeah! Let's do this, guys, huh? Let's get fired up! [imitates chainsaw] Fire up the fire-up chainsaw! [singing] New York City! Brr, na, no-na, na-no. We're going down to New York City. Neo-r-r-r. OWWW!

Jon:
So, Susan and David aren't crazy about doing the show. Susan thinks we're putting ourselves in danger. She's got David in a panic that he's gonna be killed. What's the worst that's gonna happen? I become super-famous and we get divorced 'cause of how laid I'm getting? [laughs]

Jay:
Hi, folks.

Jon:
Hi.

Jay:
Welcome to your new home. My name is Jay. I'm the doorman.

Susan:
Hello.

Jon:
Hey, Jay. I'm Jon. This is my wife, Susan, and my son, David.

Jay:
Pleasure to meet you folks. Sorry about all the construction. Should be done in a couple weeks. But you're all set up in 1-H.

David:
Is that a fake mustache?

Jon:
David!

Jon:
[singing] I want to be a part of New York City.

[Jon opens the door to their new apartment room at 1-H]

Jon:
What the f***?

Susan:
Wow. What a box.

David:
I thought you said it was a loft.

Jon:
It's supposed to be a loft. This is not right.

Jon:
[on phone] Yeah, hi. It's Jon. Yeah, hey, what the f*** is going on? What do you mean, what do I mean? I'm in the apartment. That's my point. It's not a loft. It's a studio. Bullsh*t! That's not what we talked about at all, and that is not what you showed me in the brochure. Why else would I put my family on camera and risk them being murdered if I wasn't in a sweet loft? That's what makes it worth it. Three days and we're in there. [hang up]

Jon:
Alright, guys, here's the deal.

Susan:
"Risk my family being murdered"? Are you kidding me?!

Jon:
Susan, Susan.

Susan:
I can't believe I let you talk me into this.

Jon:
Susan, relax. I just said all that stuff to get us in the loft.

Susan:
I'm taking David to a hotel. I need to figure some stuff out.

Jon:
Susan, come on. Are you serious? Susan, wait a second.

Susan:
Work it out on your own.

Jon:
Susan!

[Susan and David leaves]

Mike:
Mother and Son coming out. Meet them in front.

Jon:
[exhales deeply] Uh, I think my wife just let me. And she took my son because the show screwed up and we're not in a loft. And I...said that they would be murdered. Oh, my god! Oh, my god. Oh, my god. F***!

Rick:
You know, when your producers called me and asked how I felt about having someone from the Witness Protection program working here, I was sure it was Craig from corporate playing a joke on me.

Jon:
[laughs] F***ing Craig! That dick.

Jon:
Where the f***ing laser paper? I have no idea where that sh*t is.

Jon:
I got to say, it took balls the size of my balls to suggest I start dating right away, but, uh, you know, what can I say? Mike was right.

Jon:
"A bottle of red or a bottle of white -- Whatever get me laid tonight". Billy Joel.

[Jon tries out a new sweater]

Jon:
Huh? Not bad, right? Kind of complements the mask a little bit. Yeah, nothing like a shopping spree to celebrate getting back on the old horse.

Mike:
You look good.

Jon:
Yeah, this is just the type of sweater Susan would hate.

Jon:
Excuse me, uh...I'm sorry. You're Paul Rudd, right?

Paul Rudd:
Yeah.

Jon:
I'm a big fan.

Paul Rudd:
Oh. Oh, thanks. Thank you.

Jon:
Yeah. Really great stuff, uh, love the -- "The Locusts". That's one of my favorite movies.

Paul Rudd:
Wow. [chuckles] Yeah, you and 10 other --

[suddenly Paul Rudd got shot]

Jon:
Holy... [bleep]

Mike:
Man down.

Jon:
Paul?

Mike:
Suspect on foot. In pursuit.

Jon:
Paul? OH, MY GOD! Paul? Oh, god. Paul Rudd is dead? [sobbing] He was in "Anchorman"...and the "The 40-Year Old Virgin". He was in "The Shape of Things". He was in "Clueless" and "Romeo and Juliet". He did a thing in "Reno 911!: Miami". "The Cider House Rules". "P.S.". "The Oh In Ohio". "Knocked Up". He had a series of broadway credits. "The Last Knight of Ballyhoo". "Three Days of Rain" With Julia Roberts". "Twelfth Night At Lincoln Center". F***! F***!

Mike:
He was in "House Hunting".

Jon:
What?

Mike:
"House Hunting".

Jon:
[sobbing] He was in "House Hunting". [wailing]

Russian Caller:
Were you successful?

Yvgeny:
No.

Russian Caller:
What do you mean -- What happened?

Yvgeny:
I accidentally killed someone else.

Russian Caller:
What?? Who?

Yvgeny:
Paul Rudd.

Russian Caller:
Paul Rudd? The actor?

Yvgeny:
Yes.

Russian Caller:
Oh god. He was great in "Tennis, Anyone?".

Yvgeny:
I also liked "The Object of My Affection". I just rented it.

Russian Caller:
You have really screwed up, Ygenvy. Oh, god. I can't believe Paul Rudd is dead. I just TiVo'd "The Chateau". I'm going to go watch it. [hangs up]

Yvgeny:
Father -- You will not sit in jail in vain. And Paul rudd will not have died in vain. I will kill this man from the Witness Protection Program...if it's the last thing I do. This Witness Protection Program, or my name isn't...Yvgeny Mirminsky.

Yvgeny:
Wait, how did cameras get into my apartment?

Seth:
Jon, I know you're not happy about this, but I don't really know what to tell you. Part of your life is that the Russian Mob wants you dead. What am I supposed to do, not cover that? That would be like doing a reality show about...Justin Timberlake and not showing his, uh...beautiful body.

[Jon finds Susan in a park]

Jon:
Susan? Susan. Hey, I thought that was you.

Susan:
[sarcastic] Oh, wow. How'd you figure that out?

Jon:
So, what's up? What's, uh...

Susan:
Well, I, um, I just wanted to let you know that, um, David and I are going to remove our ski masks and our vocal harmonizers for his Bar Mitzvah this weekend.

Jon:
Uh, no, you're not. What are you talking about? Are you crazy?

Susan:
Do you know what? This is end of discussion.

Jon:
There is no discussion about this...

Susan:
No. That's fine.

Jon:
...'cause you're not taking them off.

Susan:
Then -- Then we're in agreement. I will see you Saturday.

Jon:
We are not in agreement.

Susan:
Bye-bye.

Jon:
This is not gonna happen. Susan! Absolu--

[Susan leaves]

Mike:
See you at the Bar Mitzvah!

Jon:
"See you at the Bar Mitzvah"?

Mike:
What, did I say it wrong?

Jon:
Well, you said it right, Mike. How about "You know what, Susan, Jon is right -- That is a terrible idea because you'll be murdered along with your son"... instead of "See you at the Bar Mitzvah"!

Jon:
You know, David's Bar Mitzvah is obviously not happening under the best circumstances, but I'm still excited.

Mike:
Well, you should be. It's a big day.

Jon:
No, I know. It's just the one thing I'm not happy about is that, you know, he's going through a big ska phase right now. And instead of calling it his Bar Mitzvah, he insists everyone call it his "Ska Mitzvah".

Mike:
Morse ska-coda is mostly guys from Skapoleon, because Skapoleon broke up.

Jay 2:
Hey, guys. Get you a cab?

Jon:
Uh, where's Jay?

Jay 2:
Oh, Jay quit.

Jon:
Why?

Jay 2:
I don't know.

Jon:
Uh, oh, well, I'm Jon.

Jay 2:
Oh, hey. I'm Jay.

Jon:
...Your name is also Jay.

Jay 2:
Yes.

[Jon rethinks his memory a sec when he met the first Jay wearing a fake mustache]

Jon:
Is that a fake mustache?

Jay 2:
No.

Jon:
Uh, okay, then. Nice to meet you. Yep.

[Jay 2 checks his fake mustache]

[Susan finally takes off her mask]

Jon:
Wow. Actually did it. What a huge mistake.

David:
[on phone] Whatever. Religion's all, like, hocus-pocus, anyway. Okay, see you when you get back. Okay, bye.

Jon:
Who's that?

David:
My girlfriend.

Jon:
Ohh! New York girlfriend already. Nice!

David:
Yeah, she's in Barba-dos with her family, so she can't make it.

Jon:
You mean Bar-bay-dos.

David:
No, no, I think it's Bar-bih-dos.

Jon:
Hmm, Barbados.

David:
Rihanna pronounces it "Barba-dos", and she's from Barba-dos.

Jon:
You mean Ree-anna...

David:
No, it's "Rihanna".

Jon:
..who's from Barbados.

David:
No -- No, it's Barb-dos. It's not --

Jon:
Yeah, it's Barbados.

Susan:
Didn't David do a great job? I'm so proud of him.

Jon:
He was terrific, and it's too bad he was not wearing his mask.

Susan:
Okay. Jon, take today off. You have a good time, alright?

Jon:
Okay, I'm waving the white flag that has black checkers on it, also.

Susan:
[to DJ] Put some music on. Just -- There's more dancing. Um, thanks.

Jon:
Hey, don't forget I paid for this, too. I paid for everything that you're eating, and I paid for everything you're gonna go to the bathroom later. When that comes out of your body, I paid for that. You'll thank me for it when you're wiping your ass.

[Yvgeny does comedy]

Yvgeny:
So, uh, gas prices keep going up and up. It's crazy. I don't really care. I'm just glad that cars don't run on vodka.

[Jon and Mike play Scrabble]

Mike:
"Meatus".

Jon:
Uh, what is Meatus?

Mike:
Meatus is an anatomical term.

Jon:
It refers to any natural body opening or canal. For instance, the opening of the urethra. It's pretty much the hole on the tip of your penis.

Jon:
Alright, uh, I guess you learn something new every day. And today, that new something is what the hole on my "huh" is called. [laughs]

Mike:
So, I wanted to say something, and I hope it doesn't come across weird or anything.

Jon:
Whoa. Serious alert. [laughs]

Mike:
Well, ever since Susan left you, I feel like it's given us a chance to do stuff like we've become pretty good friends. And, you know, it's -- It's -- It's really cool. And I know it's my job to protect you, but I just wanted you to know that if I ever have to take a bullet for you, it's not because I have to. It's because I want to. And everything that I just said to you, I also wrote in a letter to Weaver's Great Pals cereal. I'm trying to get us on the box.

Jon:
Um...Mike, I feel like you're putting me in a weird spot here. I feel like I got no choice but to fire you as my federal agent.

Jon:
So I can HIRE you as my full-time friend!

Jon & Mike:
[laughs]

Jon:
Yeah, buddy! Friend five! Take to the next level, Mike. "Friendship" on three. One, two, three.

Jon & Mike:
FRIENDSHIP!

Seth:
We are doing a reality show about the man you're trying to kill.

Translator:
[speaks Russian to Yvgeny] They are doing a reality show about the man in the Witness Protection Program...you are trying to kill.

Ygenvy:
You should do a reality show about me. I am a comedian.

Seth:
Wait a minute. You speak English?

Yvgeny:
Yeah.

Seth:
And you're a comedian?

Yvgeny:
Yeah.

Jonny:
Where's Mike?

Jon:
Oh, Mike resigned. We are gonna focus on our friendship a little bit more. And, uh, that's Danny, my new agent.

Jonny:
[to Danny] Hey, pleasure.

Jon:
Yeah, don't hold your breath. Not a lot of smiles from, uh, the smile machine over here.

Jonny:
Yeah.

Jon:
Yeah.

Jonny:
Anyway, it's funny you should mention federal agents resigning, because Susan's agent just resigned so he can officially be her boyfriend.

Jon:
[exhales sharply]

Jonny:
She's also officially filing for divorce.

Jon:
[groans loudly]

Jonny:
The good news is, the feline aids the vet thought my cat had -- It's just diabetes.

Jon:
...That is great news.

Jonny:
Thank you.

Jon:
So happy for you. Too bad for me that my wife is leaving me to f*** some dude. But, hey, man, glad your cat's gonna be okay. Psyched!

Seth:
So, people are already responding very well to "Delocated", but they really respond to Yvgeny. Here he is signing a woman's tits. And here he is signing a woman's vagina. Wow.

Seth:
The point is, no one's asking Jon to sign their vagina. So I think we can all agree it's time to start thinking about a spinoff.

Seth:
We follow him around as he tries to be a New York comedian. Of course, he also happens to be an assassin, and that just gives us more dong for our buck.

Network Executive:
Don't you mean more bang for our buck?

Seth:
No, I don't.

Jon:
Hi. How are you?

Teacher:
Good. How are you?

Jon:
I'm good.

Teacher:
Good.

Jon:
Uh, where's David?

Teacher:
Oh, David was already picked up by your other secret service agent.

Jon:
...

Teacher:
Is everything okay?

Jon:
Yeah, yeah, um...no, it's good.

Teacher:
Okay.

Jon:
Thanks a lot.

Teacher:
Hey, no problem. We'll see you later.

Jon:
This is Danny.

Teacher:
Hi, Danny. How are you?

[Jon and Danny leaved]

Jon:
That son of a b*tch. I see how things are unfolding.

Jon:
You can't just pick up my son at school without telling me.

Mike:
I knew you were busy, bro, so I thought I'd pull you a solid, you know? I mean, huh, what are friends for?

[Jon slaps the cereal right out of Mike's hand]

Mike:
Hey, take it easy, hot shot.

Jon:
You're a terrible friend, Mike. You got no idea what that cereal is about.

Mike:
Look, man --

Jon:
You are fired as my friend. And you're hired as my unfriend. Get out of my apartment.

Mike:
Ohh.

Jon:
Yeah, "Ohh".

Mike:
Okay.

Jon:
Get your knees in the breeze, Jack.

Mike:
Man! [leaves]

Jon:
Now I got to clean up your mess? You got to be KIDDING me! [sees a "friendship" word on Scrabble that Mike made] Oh, look. That's perfect. That's just great.

TV Announcer:
And coming up next, if you like "Delocated", then you're gonna love our brand new show about the guy who's trying to kill the guy on "Delocated". And tonight's premiere episode -- It's all live!

Jon:
What?

Jon:
[on TV] What happens when you take a family from their small-town existence in the Witness Protection Program...

Susan:
[on TV] ...move them to New York City...

David:
[on TV] ...and give them their own reality show...

[transitions to the next scene to Yvgeny's show]

Yvgeny:
[on TV] And then give another reality show to the guy who's trying to kill that family while at the same time trying to become a successful New York stand-up comedian?

Yvgeny:
[on TV] Hello, everyone, and welcome to "Yvgeny!" Tonight and every night...

Jon:
[to Danny] Uh, is that my hallway?

Yvgeny:
...play all the big comedy clubs in New York City trying to become successful comedian while also, at the same time, I will try to kill Jon. Oh, look. I wonder who lives here.

[Yvgeny knocks on Jon's door on live TV which shows the same guy who's knocking Jon's door in real life]

Jon:
Alright, what the hell is going on, Danny?

[Yvgeny burst down Jon's room, ready to kill Jon while the video production crew is recording it on live]

Yvgeny:
Sorry, Jon, but tonight, "Delocated" gets canceled!

[Danny, Mike, and Yvgeny had an brawl, until a few gunshots was fired]

Yvgeny:
[to the video crew] LET'S GO!

Jon:
Mike, are you okay?!

Yvgeny:
[to the video crew] Come on. I have a set at the improv.

Jon:
Mike, are you alright?

Mike:
I'm fine.

Jon:
[sees Danny dead] Oh, god, Danny.

Jon:
Since it's a color machine, I got to charge you. F***ing learn how to read.

Rick:
[anger] You think I like speaking to you like this?

Jon:
Seems like you do.

Jon:
This is the Rage Cage card. Every time you come in, you get it clipped. 10th one is free, and that includes a kick in the old [horn blows].

Kim:
I got to say it was, like, way more relaxing than yoga, taking a baseball bat to a garbage can, pretending it's my ex-husband's face.

Jon:
Oh.

Kim:
Oh, I'm divorced, so...

Jon:
Oh, no. No problem. I can relate. I kind of -- Kind of going through the same thing...

Kim:
Oh.

Jon:
...right now. Um, if you don't mind me asking, what's, uh, what's his name?

Kim:
Neal.

Jon:
Neal?

Kim:
Neal.

Jon:
He sounds like a dick.

Kim:
He is a dick.

Jon:
What?

Kim:
He's a dick.

Jon:
Yeah, that's what I was saying.

Kim:
So, how did you come up with the store?

Jon:
It's actually a mildly embarrassing story, but I'll share it. Sitting in the park, minding my own business. I'm wearing this dynamite pair of slacks. I just bought them, had them creased, was so psyched to be wearing them. Some idiot spills his drank all over my pants. And I just lost my cool. And it's just one of these moments where you're so mad and you have nothing to just, you know, grab and just throw, and I just had nothing I could do.

Jon:
I just felt like there has to be a place where you can go and just have something to throw or whatever, so that's essentially where Rage Cage -- That's how I thought of it.

[as Kim was about to get her food, she touches Jon's hand on her plate]

Kim:
Um...can you take your -- Just take your hand off my scone?

Jon:
Oh, sorry.

Kim:
I was just kidding. [laughs] Just was a joke.

Jon:
I was gonna say, that was -- Man.

Kim:
You're so easy. And what's not a joke -- This is for you.

[Kim takes the scone into Jon's mouth]

Jon:
Oh, thank you. [spits] I don't like scones.

Jon:
[to Kim] Even though I don't love you...and I certainly don't love you enough to get married...I still want you to be my exclusive girlfriends and promise me that, even though you're gonna fantasize about other dudes, and, you know, it's like you can't get over the top with the orgasm and you got to go to your go-to guy -- Maybe it's, like, your old high school boyfriend. Whoever you do that thing with, you know, just promise me you'll never take him to the Bone Zone for real -- Just me.

Jon:
More importantly for me is I'm my own boss.

Jon:
So, Brian, what do you do for a living, if you don't mind me asking?

Brian:
Uh, I sell siding.

Jon:
Oh, you do?

Brian:
My first sales job.

Jon:
Oh, you don't own it?

Brian:
No, no, no, no, no.

Jon:
Oh, Brian, what are you doing, man?

Brian:
I'm getting there, dude. I'm totally working -- Like, there's a-a spot opening up for regional sales directors.

Jon:
Pbbbbht! Boring! Flash-forward to five years -- "I'm getting there". Flash-forward five years after that -- "I'm getting there". You're a little older. Flash-forward after that -- "I'm getting there". Flash-forward to your deathbed -- [weakly] "Oh, I guess I didn't get there. Boooooop. You're dead.

Jon:
See what I'm saying? Stop being a little b*tch. Quit your job. Start your own business.

Jon:
Sweetie pie, what's up? Um...I didn't think you were coming by tonight.

Kim:
Uh, what -- What is going on here? What are you guys doing?

Jon:
We're, uh, playing cards.

Kim:
And the -- You're -- You're showing them a video of my brother?

Jon:
I'm just showing something that happened. It's like -- That's like getting mad at the news.

Kim:
THE NEWS?! CLOSE YOUR MOUTH.

Jon:
Sweetie pie --

Kim:
SHUT UP. You destroyed a family.

[transitions to the next scene where the whole scenery between Jon and Kim was a tape that happened earlier ago]

Therapist:
Well, I don't know if this particular tape was necessary. But, Ki, I have to say, I don't see anything wrong with Jon showing the other tape at his card game. The graphics were a little much, but I don't think he betrayed your trust like at your Father's Birthday Party.

Jon:
Well, well..

Kim:
Don't.

Jon:
...in your face. FACED. Facial. [leaves] Face-Off, center ice. Knock, knock. Who's there? In your face. [singing] Rain, rain, go away, come back in your face!

Mike:
I hope you're ready for a little challah french toast.

Jon:
Yeah, I don't know. I don't think I'm really too hungry.

Mike:
Uh, I don't think you heard me correctly. I'm making challah french toast.

Jon:
Oh, no, I heard you loud and clear, Mike. You're making your world-famous challah french toast. Maybe you didn't hear me when I said I'm not hungry. Okay?

[Jon leaves]

Mike:
[talking to himself] I know you're sad 'cause your girlfriend's out of town, but you do NOT take that out on me. Sorry I tried to be NICE!

Mike:
[calls his Mom] Hi, ma. Just, uh, having a bad morning. He yelled at me. No, I tried making it. I tried making it, but he yelled. That's when he just yelled at me. [sobs] Mom, I don't want to be here anymore. Well, I want to come home, work in the hardware store. I should go. I should -- Uh, thank you.

Yvgeny's Dad:
Why is it so hard for you to kill this "Jon"? Do you not love your papa, Yvgeny?

Yvgeny:
Of course I do, papa. It's just, I finally have a chance...to do my comedy, on my own tv show. Here. I brought you a CD of my latest performance.

Yvgeny's Dad:
I'm so proud, I can't wait to listen. Look! Here's a cd player right here.

[Yvgeny's Dad throw Yvgeny's CD performance in the trash can]

Yvgeny's Dad:
Guard, take me back my cell. This not my son.

Yvgeny:
[crying]

Soother Mom:
Sorry to plop down next to you with a crying baby. I just -- I just need a break.

Jon:
No problem. I'm in, uh, kind of a sad mood myself.

Soother Mom:
Oh.

Jon:
I wish I had someone pushing me around like that. [imitates phone] Um, hi. Uh, stroller company? Yes, do you make adult-sized strollers? No? Well, maybe you should. [chuckles] I'd buy one.

Mike:
Do you want me to make you some challah french toast?

Kim:
NOT RIGHT NOW, MIKE!

Mike:
[calls his Mom on phone] It happened again.

[Yvgeny buys a women's clothing]

Yvgeny:
Does this come in other color?

Kim:
Um...what is that doing here?

Jon:
What do you mean?

Kim:
Why is my hand here?

Jon:
I don't know. I thought you'd like it. What's the big deal?

Kim:
The big deal is that I'm back and you're still using it and it's weird.

Jon:
It's yours, and you made it for me. It'd be like if I went on a trip and I made a plaster mold of my penis and gave it to you and then I got back from my trip and you kept using it as a keychain...or paperweight or something.

Kim:
Of your penis?

Jon:
Yeah, a plaster mold.

Jon:
Hush, hush, little baby. Don't say a word... 'cause Jon's gonna buy you a mockingweird.

[as Jon continues his lullaby to the babies, one of the assassin shot Jon's favorite palm hand plaster of Kim]

Jon:
KIM, THEY SHOT THE HAND!

Kim:
Are you okay?! Are you hurt?!

Jon:
THEY SHOT THE HAND! THEY SHOT IT! IT'S GONE! IT'S GONE! IT'S GONE! [crying] IT'S GONE! IT'S GONE! I'm gonna put it together. It's okay. YOU'RE GONNA BE OKAY! [sobbing] OH, NO! It's gone. Oh, no! [to the assassin] Why don't you shoot me next time?

Kim:
Stop it.

Jon:
[to the assassin] Shoot me next time!

Kim:
Stop it.

Jon:
OHH, WHY?!

[Jon sings a song for the memory of Kim's Hand]

Jon:
[singing] Kim's hand. Kim's hand. Prettiest hand in all the land. Used to be fakin', now it's real again, talking 'bout my lady's hand. [recorder solo]

Jon:
[on phone] Hold on a second. They're making a movie about Susan?

[Jon plays golf]

Jon:
F***ing slice. Come on. Turn the hands. Oh, god. Terrible.

Mike:
You should loosen your grip. Think about holding a baby bird. Tight enough so that it can't escape, but not too tight to crush it.

Jon:
[chuckles] Shut up, Mike.

Mike:
Unless it bites you. And then you crush it.

[Jon gets in a cart to get revenge on Ross by crashing into Ross' clubs]

Jon:
[to Ross] Oh, my -- You okay, man?

Bill:
What's going on here?

Jon:
You got a real defective cart here.

Ross:
You saw, Bill. Driving miss daisy here just ran over my clubs.

Jon:
Back it up, Jack.

Mike:
[to Ross] Leave him alone.

Jon:
That's 24-hour protection.

Ray:
Thought you might want to go iron off the tee -- Short fairway.

Jon:
Yeah, I'm actually, uh -- I'm not feeling too good. I'm, uh...I'm gonna call it an early day today.

Ray:
What happened?

Jon:
[thinks about what he did to Ross' clubs few minutes ago] You saw what happened.

Black Guy:
What's with the white boy with the ski mask?

Ray:
I want to tell you something about this white boy. Just this afternoon, this white boy did one of the blackest things I've seen in a long time. He stood up to the white man.

Ray:
When confronted about the blackness of his mask and asked to change the color to something of a lighter persuasion, this white boy said no. When told he should reconsider, less he be met with physical harm, this white boy stood his ground, which is why I am proposing that, as of today, this white boy be known to black caddies everywhere as an honorary black man.

Black Guy Club Members:
[applause]

Jon:
Thank you, Ray. Thank you, guys. I'm not gonna let you down. Thank you. [rattling] Yeah, how do you -- How do you guys do this door? Oh, it was open. I got it. See you, guys.

[Susan directs about what Jon's character personality would look like]

Susan:
I think Jon needs to be a little bit more of a jerk. You know, he's really got to come across like a total scumbag.

Leslie King:
Tragedy today as the director of a made-for-tv movie about a woman in the Witness Protection Program was accidentally killed on set.

Josh Hamilton:
[distorted] I heard two gunshots, and I thought they were part of the movie, and then Steve just went down. It was really confusing. Oh, I forgot I had this on. [normal voice] This is his voice-chip thing. It's actually really cool. Check it out. [distorted] Ahh.

Leslie King:
The Mirminsky Crime Family has taken credit for the murder, issuing this statement -- "We would like to apologize for the murder of the director of this movie. We weren't even trying to kill him. We were trying to kill Jon, who we now understand was an actor portraying Jon. It was a crazy mix-up worthy of its own hollywood movie, which I guess, it already is, so nevermind. In any case, we found out that the Real Jon is playing at some golf tournament, so we'll go look for him there".

David:
Let's go give these whiteys a half-honorary black eye.

[Jon hits golfballs while saying one of the celebrity names to be remembered]

Jon:
This is for Fredrick Douglass. This is for Rosa Parks! Jackie Robinson. Thurgood Marshall. Vanessa Williams. The O'Jays. Don Cheadle. This is for Cecil Fielder.

David:
[to the golf club members] You know, it's not a coincidence that the balls are white, you know? Put them on a pedestal. We advance the white balls. Think about it.

Kim:
Honey, what are you doing?

Jon:
It's okay. I can't sleep. I'm just gonna watch tv.

[Jon watches Susan's life movie]

Movie Jon:
You're making a big mistake, Susan -- A big mistake.

Movie Susan:
The only one making a mistake is you, Jon. I'm happy with my life, now that it's a life unmasked.

Movie Jon:
Yeah, well, I'm happy, too! I'm very happy, actually! I've got a girlfriend. I work in a copy shop. I'M AN HONORARY BLACK MAN! MY LIFE IS GREAT! [sadly] My life is great.

Jon:
[sobs]

Jon:
You know, when you're late every week, you'd think maybe you would decide, "Oh, let's leave earlier this we're so we're not late".

Jon:
Uh, what's up with the motorcycle helmet?

Chris:
Uh, well, you know I got a Harley, right?

Jon:
I did not know that.

Chris:
Yeah. I was just telling David how important it is to wear a helmet so I don't crack open my skull if I crash. And, uh...I made a joke that he should wear the helmet 24 hours a day, and I think it scared him a little bit.

Jon:
Look, funny bones, uh, I need you to do me a fav. Stay out of Dad City for a little while, alright? That's my domain.

Chris:
I don't know. Seems to me like that town's got a population of two nowadays.

David:
Dad, can we get something to drink. I'm thirsty.

Jon:
Oh, you're thirsty? Oh, I think I know why. It's because maybe it's hot out and you have a motorcycle helmet on. So maybe you take off the helmet -- Abracadabra -- You're not thirsty anymore.

David:
No, Dad, a branch could fall out of the tree and hit me in the head and give me brain damage.

Jon:
Chris' sense of humor is gonna give you brain damage, okay? He was joking.

David:
No, Dad, he wasn't joking. You just don't like him 'cause he's taking Mom to the Bone Zone.

Mike:
[chuckles] Whoa!

Jon:
[to David] What'd you just say, mouth? What did you just say?

David:
...

Jon:
Alright, I'm gonna need five minutes with my son -- If we could get the cameras off, please? What was that? Don't keep rolling when I ask you to turn the cameras off.

Seth:
Come on. Just give it to us on-camera. It'll be great.

Jon:
F*** you! Mike?

Mike:
Calm down.

Jon:
I am calm! TURN THEM OFF! WHAT DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?! OFF A**HOLES! STOP IT! Hey, dick, I'm making the call.

[Jon tries to make a distraction to the guy with the camera he's holding]

Jon:
Is that Rod Stewart?

Jon:
Hey! Psst!

Mark:
Is someone in there?

Jon:
Yeah. Come here.

Mark:
Why are you filming?

Jon:
Come here. Come in the bush. I'll tell you.

Mark:
Yeah, I don't know.

Jon:
No, no,. I'll give you -- I'll give you $10,000.

Mark:
Oh.

Jon:
Okay, let me see if I can very quickly explain what I'm doing here. My name is Jon, by the way. You are...

Mark:
Mark.

Jon:
Great to meet you. Thank you for coming in the bush. Um, so, I'm in the Witness Protection Program. That's why I'm wearing this mask.

Jon:
He is making jokes to my son to scare him into wearing a motorcycle helmet.

Jon:
You know, it's a place called Nicky's Grinders, and it's, uh, um, it's the best sub shop in New York.

Jon:
The number 17, which is salami...number 33, and it's like -- It's like -- You know, it's a classic caprese. Number 24 -- You got smoked gouda.

Jon:
That's basically why I'm, uh, offering you all that money to put on this mask, go out there for a few hours, and pretend to be me.

Mark:
I mean, a lot of people that would walk into this bush would probably say "No", but...I'm gonna do it, okay? I'm gonna do it, and I'm gonna tell you why.

Mark:
I had my own rollerblade store, but, um, it wasn't cutting the mustard in the happiness department.

Mark:
Now my ex-wife jets off to Cancun every other weekend with her new greek boyfriend.

Mark:
All I have is this pair of rollerblades...and a candy-apple-red dodge durango.

Mark:
I've actually been to Nicky's Grinders. See, I get the number 4.

Mark:
Yeah, so that's why I'll do it. That's why -- Why I'll wear the mask for you and, uh, pretend to be you.

Jon:
Thanks.

[Yvgeny shoots Fake Jon who is Mark]

Yvgeny:
[to the camera] Teper' menya lyubish', papa? DO YOU LOVE ME NOW? And now I get ready for "Saturday Night Live" audition.

Seth:
TO HELL WITH YOU ALL! [runs away like a coward]

Kim:
Jon, I'm breaking up with you.

Jon:
What's that?

Kim:
I said I'm breaking up with you, because I just --

Jon:
What is it?

[Kim's brother arrives out from the bathroom]

Ryan:
She doesn't like your face.

Jon:
What's up, big Ry? How's that bike ride, dude? Give me two.

Ryan:
We didn't even get a chance to go on the bike ride yet. All we've been talking about is how much she hates your face.

Kim:
Jon, honey, when you came to the funeral home without your mask on, it was the first time I had seen your face.

Jon:
You were psyched, right?

Kim:
I love you, Jon. It's just you're not my type physically.

Jon:
Sweetie, I hear what you're saying, but come on. I got the mask back. Use the power of imagination. I can be anyone you want under here.

Kim:
I tried that. I just keep picturing your face. And --

Ryan:
Ask her about the poem.

Kim:
Ryan, that was something I sent to you.

Ryan:
Well, I put it up on the internet.

Kim:
What?!

Ryan:
Yeah.

Kim:
Take it down.

Ryan:
I can't. It's already out there.

Kim:
Ryan.

Ryan:
Alright, fine. I'll take it down.

Kim:
Yeah -- Today.

Ryan:
Okay.

Kim:
GET UP! GO!

Jon:
Hit the road, Jack.

Ryan:
Alright. [leaves]

Jon:
Let's talk about that poem.

Kim:
It's really nothing to talk about. It was just something I wrote when I was frustrated.

Jon:
Doesn't sound like nothing. It's on the internet.

Kim:
Yeah, but it's nothing.

Jon:
Yeah, but it's on the internet.

[Mike gets a call from phone that Seth is dead]

Mike:
It's Seth. He's been murdered.

Jon:
What?! Wait. Like fired?

Mike:
He's dead.

Jon:
Oh, my god.

Kim:
Jon, I'm so sorry.

Jon:
He's dead? Like he doesn't have his job anymore? What are you saying? Is this TV Lingo? I don't understand.

Mike:
He's gone.

Jon:
How is he calling you on the phone if he's dead?

Mike:
That wasn't --

Jon:
How can he be murdered and call you?

Mike:
The Agency called me. They found his body. He's dead.

Kim:
[to Jon] Look, baby, we're gonna get through this together, okay?

Jon:
Talk about a frrt.

[Sergei appears, interrupting Yvgeny's birthday]

Sergei:
Happy birthday, Yvgeny. How is little brother? Hey, did you all hear? Yvgeny is no longer in charge of killing Jon. I get the call last week, and they say, "Sergei, we need you. We need a real man. We need a real Mirminsky to get the job done". Let's have some cake.

All:
[confused and scared]

Sergei:
No, they didn't say, "Let's have some cake". I'm saying now -- Let's have some cake. Why are you standing there? IT'S MY BROTHER'S BIRTHDAY! LET'S HAVE SOME CAKE! COME ON! [throws Yvgeny's cake] LET'S HAVE SOME CAKE! EAT THE CAKE!

[Mike eats one of the candy boxes]

Jon:
Shouldn't you not be eating those?

Mike:
Oh. I'm just taking a little from each box. No one will notice.

Mighty Joe Jon:
Jon, I think you're absolutely right with Kim. You need to start thinking of your life in seasons.

Jon:
Thank you. I mean, it makes sense, right?

Mighty Joe Jon:
And I love it when you make the "frrt" noise. But were gonna need some better re-acks from you.

Jon:
What's a re-ack?

Mighty Joe Jon:
[give Jon a book of Mighty Joe Jon's re-acks] Reactions. Re-Ack. Check that out. Study it. Okay?

Mighty Joe Jon:
Here's the next thing! I have been in talks with C+C music factory about them remaking their big hit. But instead, this time, it's called -- [shows a poster] What's that say?

Jon:
"Things That Make You Go Frrt". [chuckles]

Mighty Joe Jon:
Look, guys, crazy day. A lot of bad stuff has happened. So I got to fly. But, uh...any notes? We all good?

Jon:
Uh...

Mighty Joe Jon:
Alright. Good. Good meeting, guys. [leaves]

Mike:
What a dick.

Jon:
I don't know. I kind of liked him.

Mighty Joe Jon:
Hey! My two favorite russkies! Mike Joe Jon, The Black Blond. What's up?

Sergei:
SHUT UP! STOP TALKING! SIT!

Sergei:
First of all, the whole thing abut not killing Jon but killing the people around him -- You don't tell us what to do. We tell you what to do. Understand?

Mighty Joe Jon:
Yes.

Sergei:
We will torment Jon's soul until it drives him to madness. The world will know The Mirminskys for who we really are -- A force to be feared, not be reviled, like this bumbling vodka-loving kaflootz who isn't funny.

Yvgeny:
Shut up. I am f--

Sergei:
YOU'RE NOT, YVGENY!

Sergei:
In any case, it is not a silly comedy anymore. It's a silly drama, because I say so. Unless...you want to meet with the same fate as Seth.

Mighty Joe Jon:
Uh, no. Yeah, I think you're right. I agree.

Sergei:
Oh. Okay.

Mighty Joe Jon:
Alright. Great. [chuckling] Great.

Sergei:
Give me your jacket.

Mighty Joe Jon:
Hmm?

Sergei:
YOUR JACKET -- I LIKE IT! GIVE IT TO ME!

Mighty Joe Jon:
This one, right?

Sergei:
Yes.

Kim:
Hey, honey, can I ask you something without you getting mad?

Jon:
Probably not. [laughs] Of course you can.

Kim:
Um...do you think you could stop wearing all the beards and the wigs.

Jon:
No way. Not until we find a sweet look that takes your mind off my face. Maybe this look right here, it'll inspire another poem. You can put it on YouTube.

Mike:
Ray's just been murdered.

Jon:
What? Was it The Mirminskys?

Mike:
[nods "yes"]

Kim:
I'm so sorry.

Jon:
[while eating a hoagie] Oh, my god. WHY RAY?! He had nothing to do with any of this! God! No, I can't believe it! Oh, my god! It's crazy!

Jon:
[still crying about Ray] Oh, my god! He's dead! Oh, my god!

Mighty Joe Jon:
Uh-huh. Yes! That's exactly what I was talking about, man! Great re-ack!

[Kim kisses Jon after Jon's parents were killed]

Jon:
Uh, hey, man, get your hands off my girl. [laughing]

[Kim realizes the Jon she was kissing is another Fake Jon]

Kim:
What the f*** is going on?!

Jon:
I got a perm! [laughs]

Mike:
It's obvious The Mirminskys have stepped things up. The government's launched a program called "Operation Many Jons". We've dispatched a group of decoys. Send them in.

Jon:
DECOYS! How awesome is that? Check it out. Look at this.

Mike:
Now, the decoys will be in holding right down the hall. If Jon needs to go downstairs to buy toilet paper, a decoy goes down. If Jon needs to go for a jog, a decoy goes down and Jon goes to the fitness center.

Kim:
Jon, are your parents dead?

Jon:
Nope.

Kim:
[attacks Jon] HOW DARE YOU DO THAT TO ME?!

Jon:
STOP IT! RELAX! We got to make sure this decoy thing works, okay? That's why I did it. What, do you want me to die?

Kim:
What?

Jon:
Do you want me to die? Yes or no?

Kim:
No. Of course not.

Jon:
Alright, then take it easy about me pretending my parents were killed. It's no big deal.

Mike:
If we can't fool you, we're not gonna fool anybody.

Jon:
Exactly.

Mike:
Alright, guys, you can go back to holding.

Jon:
Wait. Hold on, guys. I want to do that thing. Ready? [singing] Ba da ba-ba-da-ba --

All Decoy Jons:
FFRT!

Jon:
[laughs] Thank you. Thank you. That was great.

Mike:
Hey, no one's bought any candy yet.

Mighty Joe Jon:
The more Jons we have, hopefully we get some more deaths. The more deaths, better ratings. That's good for you and Jon.

Jon:
Yeah.

Mighty Joe Jon:
It's good for all of us.

Jon:
I agree.

Sergei:
Yvgeny, why do you spend so much time on computer?

Yvgeny:
I'm starting a blog.

Sergei:
A blog? Are you sure you don't mean starting a vodka?

[Jon sees a decoy of himself before Real Jon and Kim head out]

Jon:
Look at this, honey. Separated at birth. [laughs] Tweedledee and Tweedlejon out here.

Mike:
And nobody go to the concession stand. I've got candy.

Kim:
Did you delete that poem yet?

Ryan:
I tried. It's already gone viral, though.

Kim:
What?

Ryan:
Sorry.

Kim:
Ryan --

Ryan:
Sorry.

Jon:
This whole decoy thing's pretty exciting, right?

Kim:
Yeah.

Jon:
You know, it's kind of getting me hot. Maybe we should get out of here, head back to the hotel Jon.

Kim:
Yeah, we're not going anywhere till your breath doesn't stink like that jerky.

Mighty Joe Jon:
[chuckles] Talk about things that make you go "Frrt".

Jon:
[sarcastic] We got a funny bones over here.

Sergei:
A nice night at the theater is going to end in murder. Sort of like Abraham Lincoln. Guess that makes me John Wilkes Booth. Or is it John Wilkes Vodka?

Sergei:
You are a great disappointment, Yvgeny. You are not funny. And you are an embarrassment to the family.

[Yvgeny shows him a poem on computer]

Sergei:
[reads] "What I think of You", by Anonymous.

[after watching Jon Decoy #1's act in a theater]

Kim:
That was fantastic! I mean, Jon's decoy is really good.

Jon:
Oh, my god. Come on. He's terrible. Kim, come on. Let's just hope he does a much better job as my decoy, or you, my dear, are in a whole heap of Frrt. [laughter]

Kim:
Yeah, well, at least he's not ugly.

Jon:
Okay, and who are we talking about?

[Kim reads a poem to Jon]

Kim:
"What I Think of You". "Yours is a face that I thought I knew. But then one day, quite out of the blue...

[cuts to the next scene where Yvgeny is reading the exact same poem that Kim is reading]

Yvgeny:
"The Real you is revealed to me. I'm sorry to say I don't like what I see".

Kim:
"Expressing myself would help the hurt real. But I hold in my feelings, and they start to congeal.

Yvgeny:
"A baby with your face would be ugly doubled, then cubed".

Kim:
"So I took extreme measures and tied my tubes".

Yvgeny:
That part, I...does not apply to you. But I really like it.

Kim:
"Thought I have been conflicted, I had to be straight. Now the ball's in your court".

Kim & Yvgeny:
"Will it bounce or deflate"?

[Kim crumbles up the poem and throws it at Jon]

[meanwhile with Yvgeny and Sergei]

Sergei:
"Will it bounce or deflate"? [laughs] You are pathetic, Yvgeny. You are a little boy.

Jon:
Did you really tie your tubes?

Kim:
Well...untying them isn't that big a deal.

Jon:
She's gonna untie her tubes!

Kim:
Well...uh...It's not -- It's not definite.

Yvgeny:
Quotes from history if they drank vodka. FDR -- "The only thing we have to fear is...running out of vodka".

Todd Barry:
That's stupid. You're embarrassing yourself on national tv.

Sergei:
Why are you here, Todd Barry? Why do you bother coming here all the time?

Todd Barry:
Why are you here, tough guy, huh? All you do is sit around. Aren't you supposed to be trying to kill Jon or something?

Sergei:
Killing Jon is too easy. Killing the people around him is more fun. I get to look inside his soul and watch it crumble to dust. I could make Jon suicide himself if I want.

Yvgeny:
You think you are such hot diarrhea. You could not make him do it.

Sergei:
If I get Jon to suicide himself by end of week, you leave comedy business forever.

Yvgeny:
Okay. But if you don't get him to kill himself...you have to come to my showcase.

Sergei:
Deal.

Yvgeny:
Deal.

Sergei:
I will crawl inside Jon's soul and make him shriek for mercy.

[Jon dances and singing to Kim while naked]

Jon:
[singing] Look out! It's The Wiggler! Watch out for The Wiggler! Bamp, ba-bamp, boom, bam ba-namp, bow!

Kim:
Jon.

Mike:
It's okay. I'm familiar with The Wiggler.

Jon:
Yeah, he's seen The Wiggler.

Kim:
You guys, like, show each other?

Jon:
We don't show each other. It's just more like...just...you just...you see --

Kim:
Falls out.

Jon:
Sometimes.

[Kim reads Jon's note]

Kim:
"Kim, four months is short time but feels like forever that you have been sunshine in my heart. I am having plan for today to be most wonderful day of romance".

Jon:
[chuckles] I didn't write that.

[Jon shows his divorced wife a starfish devotion necklace]

Rob:
Is that a starfish?

Jon:
Yes, and what it is is one arm for each month, and when this goes on, okay, it's over between me and you.

Susan:
Okay.

Jon:
I mean, like, officially done.

Susan:
No, I'm sorry. Didn't...we get divorced, which I initiated?

Jon:
No. Right. No, I know, but I'm...Susan, I'm saying when I put this on, that's officially it. There's no changing your mind like, "I still love Jon. Let's annul the divorce" -- None of that.

Rob:
You can't annul a divorce.

Jon:
Whatever the terminology is, there's no going back. When I put this on, this signifies my devotion to my new girlfriend, and you and I are done.

Susan:
Okay.

Jon:
"Okay, so, don't put in on"?

Susan:
"Okay, you can put it on".

Jon:
No more Bone Zone.

Rob:
Hey.

Susan:
Oh, boy.

Jon:
"Hey" what?

Susan:
You should wear the necklace -- With pride.

Jon:
Alright. Here it goes.

Susan:
Yep.

Jon:
About to clasp.

Susan:
That's fantastic.

Jon:
"It's fantastic, so don't put it on"?

Susan:
"Fantastic to put in on. We're a go".

Jon:
Here we go. Commencing countdown in...

Susan:
Here we go -- 3, 2...

Jon:
5, 4...

Susan:
...1...

Jon:
...3...

Susan:
...2...

Jon:
Holding launch. Birds on the launching pad.

Susan:
God help me.

Jon:
It's on. It's on.

Jon:
Susan, we broke up, you got a new federal agent, you got a new federal agent, and that guy resigned so he could be your boyfriend. Then you broke up with that guy to be boyfriends with your next agent, and so on with the next, like five agents. And now all of a sudden, you're converting to catholicism for one of these guys?

Susan:
That's right.

Jon:
Really?

Susan:
'Cause I finally found the right man.

Rob:
And I'm not "one of these guys". Susan and I have a spiritual connection, as well as a sexual one. It's very important to me to make sure that Susan's eternal soul doesn't burn in hell. And I don't want to step on any dad toes there, but the same goes for little David, as well.

Jon:
Absolutely not.

Susan:
Uh-huh.

Jon:
David can make his own decision, do you understand me?

Rob:
David, do you want to burn in hell?

David:
I don't really care.

Jon:
You don't have to care. Hey, you don't have to care as long as you be Jewish while you're not caring.

Jon:
David, I'll see you next year, in Israel.

David:
In Jerusalem -- Next year, in Jerusalem.

Jon:
Which is in Israel.

Kim:
Oh, come on, honey. It's alright. Look, we're gonna find Mike, okay?

Jon:
Susan is converting to cathoclism. [scoffs]

Kim:
Oh. Uh...

Jon:
Let's not talk about it.

Kim:
Yeah.

Jon:
Hey, you know what I was actually thinking?

Kim:
Hm?

Jon:
You should convert to Judaism.

Kim:
Wow. That's, um... [chuckles] You are really unbelievable.

[Sergei buys a sheet from a clothing store]

Sergei:
Do you have any special sheets for Jews? Jews -- Jew sheets?

Rob:
Hey, who's up for some lunch? Got to tell you, I make a pretty mean cheese sandwich.

Jon:
You know what I could really go for? Some of Mike's Hallah French Toast.

Kim:
[yiddish accent] Oy. What a coincidence. I just bought this hallah. I'll go make you some french toast. Oh, and you put the meat on the dairy side of the fridge. We're Kosher now. [singing] Di-di, di-di di, di-di-di...

Jon:
Hey, if you're not gonna take this seriously, let's just drop it.

Kim:
[yiddish accent] I'm not taking it any less serious than you make me a sheet.

Jon:
Uh...excuse me?

Kim:
[yiddish accent] Oh, the sex sheet you made me.

Jon:
I didn't make that. I don't know that came from.

Kim:
[yiddish accent] I'm sure you also didn't write me this lovely note. "To Kim -- I am in anticipation of making sexual encounters with you through this jewish hole.

Jon:
No, I didn't write the card, and I didn't make the sheet. I mean, did I? Am I losing my mind? Am I in bonkers town here?

[all the decoy Jons watch a russian puppet cartoon]

Sickle:
What's wrong, Hammer?

Hammer:
I'm just sad because workers are being exploited. [crying]

Sickle:
How, Hammer?

Hammer:
They're being forced to work under terrible conditions with little or no benefits. They should strike.

Sickle:
That is a great idea. The End.

Susan:
There are alternative ways of looking at the world, and David has a choice now, and he loves choices, don't you, David?

Jon:
Of course he loves choice, because he's one of the chosen people.

Susan:
And so, therefore, the only decision that David has to make is to do what Jesus would do.

Jon:
Jesus was Jewish.

Susan:
He wasn't Jewish!

Jon:
He...was...Jewish!

Susan:
Here we go. Here we go.

Jon:
They should have called him "Jewsus".

Susan:
Every Time. Like clockwork.

Jon:
"Jewsus Christ".

David:
Look, I appreciate everything you guys are doing for me...

Jon:
You're welcome.

David:
...but you guys are driving me crazy! You said the decision is mine to make, right?

Susan:
Right?

Jon:
Of course?

David:
And whatever I choose, you both support that, right?

Susan:
Of course, sweetie.

Jon:
Absolutely.

David:
What I want, more than anything...is to be a woman.

David:
So, first, I'm getting elective bilateral orchiectomy, where they remove my testicles, and then I'm getting vaginoplasty, where they remove the erectile tissue of my penis and surgically construct a vagina.

Rob:
Don't forget the hormone treatments and the breast implants.

David:
Oh, yeah. A-A-And Mighty Joe Jon says the network's gonna pay for the whole operation.

Jon:
[to Kim] Will you please talk to him -- Get these away from me?

Kim:
[yiddish accent] A penis isn't enough? Now you need a vagina?

Jon:
In a normal voice, please! That's driving me crazy!

Kim:
[yiddish voice] This my normal voice. You want me to Jewish, you not want me to be Jewish. No wonder your son is confused.

David:
I'm not confused! I'm getting a vagina!

[all the Decoy Jon strike for benefits after watching a Russian cartoon that they've been hypnotize on]

Deocy Jon #2:
What do we want?

All Decoy Jons:
BENEFITS!

Decoy Jon #2:
And when do we want them?

All Decoy Jons:
NOW!

Jay 2:
[imitates airplane engine] Special delivery flying in.

Jon:
Just give me the f***ing envelope, Jay. You know what? Instead of playing airplane, do your f***ing job and get the elevators fixed. How about that? And the new lobby sucks, by the way!

Kim:
[yiddish accent] Oy! This broken elevator's a little gerfarluft for my tastes.

Jon:
Please, enough with the gibberish. I'm begging you.

Kim:
[yiddish accent] Gibberish? What? I'm speaking Yiddish.

Jon:
Right. Yiddish. Diedelay diedelah diedle! Diedelah! I speak Yiddish, too, okay? I get it.

David:
Hey, uh, Dad, when they take my nuggets out, do you think we could give them to some needy third world kid or something?

Jon:
David, I don't care anymore what they do. Do whatever you want. I don't care.

Jon:
[australian accent] Where's the water? Where's the beach?

Jon:
[hispanic accent] Juan isn't here right now.

Jon:
[hispanic accent] Hey, man. I heard you're the guy who's going to, uh, slip his shrimp out of his taco, eh? Get a little chimichanga down there, right? Maybe you come over and see Carlos after the operation? I'll show you my chorizo burrito. We'll get these two together, eh?

Dr. Karen Mitchell:
How does your son's apology make you feel?

Jon:
[chicago accent] I don't understand, personally, why see me when I walk in the room. Yeah, you guys ever see my performance in "Jo Jo Dancer, Your Life Is Calling"? Pretty underrated performance, right? We watch it a lot at the hospital.

[Mike came back by giving him a synthesized voice]

Mike:
[synthesized] Hey, Jon. My buddy. How you doin'?

Jon (as Carlos):
Jon's not here. Jon's scared.

Mike:
[synthesized] Aw, don't be scared, Carlos.

[cuts to the next scene]

Mighty Joe Jon:
[controlling the voice of Mike] Come on. Let me talk to Jon.

Jon:
Mike, I thought you were dead.

Mike:
[synthesized] U-Uh, no. No. I was just sleeping. I had to go on my vacation to vail, and Jon ran away before I woke up. I broke my leg skiing.

Mighty Joe Jon:
[controlling the voice of Mike] Otherwise, I'd get up and give you a hug.

Jon (as Brody):
Maybe I can give you a hug.

Mike:
[synthesized] Of course, you can, Brody.

[Jon hugs dead Mike]

Mighty Joe Jon:
[controlling the voice of Mike] Oh, hey, that reminds me. You won't believe what they called one of the slopes up there. Here -- Under my arm. I got you a t-shirt.

[Mike gives Jon a t-shirt of wiggler]

Jon (as Dennis Farina):
Oh, my god. There's another wiggler. So, what are you gonna do now, Mike?

Mike:
[synthesized] Well, I'm, uh, going back to Florida to run my family's hardware store.

Mighty Joe Jon:
[controlling the voice of Mike] I'd thought I come by and say goodbye.

Mike:
[synthesized] Heard you were asking about me. Well, goodbye, Jon.

[as dead Mike leaves, Mighty Joe Jon tries to control the wheelchair to leave Jon's apartment while making bumps]

Jon:
Do you need help, Mike?

Mike:
[synthesized] No, that's alright I can get it.

[after the conversation with Mike being alive, Jon finally went back to his own personality]

Jon:
[normal voice] Goodbye, old friend.

Dr. Karen Mitchell:
Jon, who just said goodbye?

Jon:
I did. Who else would say it? Wait -- Hold on a second. Dennis Farina was here, and no one comes to get me? He's a favorite actor! Thanks a lot. A once-in-a-lifetime chance. You know I do an awesome Farina. Then he'd look at me and go, "Oh, my god. You do me so great. I can't believe it. It's like looking in the mirror, this guy". Thanks a lot, you guys.

[after Sergei's plan to suicide Jon failed, Sergei comes to Yvgeny comedy act]

Yvgeny:
"Ask not what your vodka can do for you. Ask what you can do for your vodka".

Sergei:
[forced laugh] AH! SO FUNNY! SO FUNNY, YVGENY! HA HA HA HA! AAAAAAAH HA HA HA!! OH, YEAH!

Yvgeny:
Can we please have him removed, please?

Jon (as Dennis Farina):
You know, I like to do, uh, my Dennis Farina sometimes at parties, and a lot of people, uh, they'll ask -- They'll ask after like, "Are you really from Chicago"? And I'll, you know, I'm tell them, "Of course no, I'm not. Not -- Not -- I'm not from there". And they can't believe I'm not from Chicago, and I'm not. They're like, "Oh, my god. You sound like it". I'm like, "What can I tell you? I'm not. I'm not from Chicago".

Jon:
I heard that, uh, Scarlett Johansson is gonna do a cover of her Tom Waits covers.

Kim:
Oh, like a cover of a cover?

Kim:
She's, like, covering herself. Sounds kind of good.

Jon:
I think it sounds kind of interesting.

Kim:
Yeah.

[Jon takes a bite of the Number 31 Sandwich]

Jon:
The crack of crust, coolness of dijon counterbalancing the snap of pepper turkey. The pepper turkey cracking the whip on my taste buds. The oarsmen on the slave ship of my mouth. There it is. Sun-dried tomato, yeah -- The signature ingredient in the number 31. Mmm. Never overpowering. Just enough to remind me of its presence, playing peek-a-boo with the inside of your mouth. Mmm. Peek-a...boo. Peek-a...ooh. Peek-a...yum. Peek-a into my tum.

Jon:
No hoagie for old men, and that is wide. Makes me feel like Tom Cruise in "Cocktail".

Rob:
You should get a dog.

Jon:
What?

Rob:
You should get a dog.

Jon:
I WILL NEVER GET A DOG! YOU HEAR ME?! EVER! EVER AGAIN! [runs away] NO, I'LL NEVER GET A DOG! [crying] I'LL NEVER GET A DOG!

Rob:
[to Kim] What was that about?

Jon:
EVER! EVER!

Kim:
You know, Jon actually had a dog. He left it with his parents when he entered the program, and the mob had it assassinated.

Rob:
My god. JON!

Kim:
I can't believe you don't know that. Didn't you read his file?

Rob:
Skipped certain parts of it.

Rob:
Look, uh, Kim told me about your dog.

Jon:
I'm sorry I yelled at you.

Rob:
Oh, no. Hey, that's alright.

Jon:
[crying] It's not.

Rob:
It's okay. Hey, what was your dog's name?

Jon:
Ding Dong Football. Pretty awesome name for a dog, right?

Rob:
[goes with it] Mm-hmm.

Jon:
Dogs go nuts for gravy.

Jon:
Cats have catnip. How about some dognip for dogs?

Jon:
It's very similar to handing our free condoms, handing our free needles for aids patients and all that.

Jon:
You know, David, when I become Dog Mayor, that is gonna make you first pup.

Kim:
Aww.

Ryan:
Oh, my god. You're running for an office that doesn't exist. No one cares.

Kim:
Ryan, Jon cares.

Jon:
Look, you can be as bitter as you want about your own [bleep] life, but maybe you could also try being a little productive, for a change. Take a break from the complain train. "Look at me! I'm gonna put siding on a house! That's better. That's better than trying to do something positive for dogs".

Ryan:
You're in the Witness Protection Program.

Jon:
Alright.

Ryan:
Alright, you're supposed to be hiding.

Jon:
I can state facts, too. You're an a**hole.

Kim:
Oh, Jon.

[Ryan angrily leaves]

Jon:
Oh, here he goes. Here he goes.

Kim:
Ryan.

Ryan:
[to Jon] Fact -- You're a dummy. That's a fact. You're an idiot.

Jon:
Keep walking, friend.

Ryan:
You're a dummy. [leaves]

Jon:
Yep. That's me.

Jon:
I need to ask you a favor. Uh, I need some time off, and I need to borrow some cash.

Nicky:
Don't say another word. Whatever it is. You're like a son to me. Whatever -- Gambling, drugs, pornography.

Jon:
Yeah, it's for Dog Mayor. I need some money for campaign ads.

Nicky:
Jon, I have to be honest with you. Dog Mayor makes no sense to me.

Jon:
Hey, wake up. We're almost on.

Kim:
Is anyone even gonna see this, honey?

Jon:
If we're up, other people are up.

David:
We're only up 'cause we have to be.

Mighty Joe Jon:
Damn it, David! You know where I was at? I was doing it up at the technical emmy after party. I came here. You can't spend two seconds for your father?

Jon:
Thank you very much. [to David] And stay out of my popcorn.

[after Jon's campaign ad was over, Ryan's campaign ad shows up on TV]

Ryan:
[on TV] Hi. I'm Ryan Anderson.

Kim:
[tired] Oh, my god.

Ryan:
[on TV] And I'm also running for Dog Mayor. I don't have much experience with animals, and I have no political experience whatsover. I'll tell you what else I don't have -- A bounty on my head by the Russian mafia and a ski mask on my face. I paid for 10 more seconds of this commercial. Take that time to think about it.

[Jon, Kim, David, and Mighty Joe Jon were devastated by this ad, except for Jay 2 the Doorman]

Ryan:
[on TV] I'm Ryan Anderson, and I approve this message. [ad ends]

Jay 2:
[claps]

Jon:
Jay, get out!

Ryan:
May the best man, win.

Jon:
Alright, groom.

Ryan:
What do you mean, groom?

Jon:
You said "May the best man win", right?

Ryan:
Yeah.

Jon:
I'm the best man. You're the groom.

Ryan:
Do you even realize what a phenomenal [bleep] you are?

Jon:
Hey, man, call me whatever you want, but starting next week, you better get used calling me "His royal majesty, The Duke Earl of Dog Mayors".

[Ryan and Jon start a debate fight]

Ryan:
I'd like to point out that my opponent doesn't even own a dog. How does somebody that doesn't even own a dog expect you to believe that he has what it takes to be Dog Mayor?

Jon:
You know, my opponent likes to point out that I do not own a dog, and yet what he DOESN'T point out is that he bought his token dog just this past week.

Ryan:
Do you even own a dog?

Jon:
...

Ryan:
Do you even own a dog -- Yes or no?

Jon:
No. I do not own a dog. Want to know why? It's because she was gunned down by the mob. Those heartless, gutless, animal-hating Mirminskys killed my dog, which is exactly why you want me to be Bog Mayor, 'cause I'll make sure your dog is safe.

Jon:
Is your dog safe? Is your dog safe, back there? Is your dog safe? What's to stop the mob from killing your dog? Right now. Boom. -- Gun. Boom. Your dog's dead. Machine guns. [imitates machine gun] That's the sound you're gonna hear with this guy in charge. Me -- Your dogs are safe. That's right.

Jon:
Uh, also, real quick, I do want to thank Nicky from Nicky's Grinders. That is home of the 7-foot party sub. [singing] 'Cause with one foot more, the PARTY STILL ROARS! YEAH! RAWR!

Mighty Joe Jon:
Ding Dong Football -- That is the narrative for your campaign. That's your John McCain P.O.W. angle, huh?

Jon:
McCain -- Yes.

David:
Didn't McCain lose?

[Jon calls his Dad]

Jon:
Hey, Dad. Do you have any old photos of me and Ding Dong Football? I'm doing this campaign right now, and it's sort of based on how The Mirminskys killed her.

Jon's Dad:
Jon, The Mirminskys didn't kill Ding Dong Football.

Jon:
What?

Jon's Dad:
I killed her. I hit her with my car. Your mother and I thought it would be easier on you if we just told you it was The Mirminskys.

Jon:
Dad, does anyone else know about this?

Jon's Dad:
No.

Jon:
Keep your [bleep] mouth shut about this, do you understand? You don't tell a [bleep] soul.

Jon's Dad:
What?

Jon:
Shut the [bleep] up about this.

Yvgeny's Dad:
DOG KILLERS?!? Never have I felt such a slap in the face on the Mirminsky name! WHY WOULD HE MAKE UP SUCH LIES?!?

Sergei:
I don't know, papa.

Yvgeny's Dad:
I would rather see you killed...than see a single hair harmed on my own precious Siberian huskies.

Jon:
I got to say, the most important thing for me is getting a cheddar cheddar bang bang. That is what is on my mind.

Todd Barry:
How do you say "Read 'em and weep" in Russian?

[Jon wears a dog vest on inside a russian social club to save Nicky]

Sergei:
Hold your fire!

Jon:
That's right, everybody. Listen to your boss. You're gonna nestra light right now. Nicky, you okay?

Nicky:
[muffled]

Jon:
It's Jon. Everything is a-okay. We are nestra lighting out here. Moving right out here. Nicky, I'm coming.

Sergei:
Nobody shoot.

Yvgeny:
They're so cute!

Pavel:
Are they up for adoption?

Sergei:
Quiet!

Jon:
Nicky, you good? You okay? [takes off the bag and sees Nicky is alright] Everybody, be cool. We're good. There's the door. We're gonna walk out. Nestra light.

Pavel:
Is that a maltese?

Yvgeny:
Look at his ears!

Jon:
Alright, gentlemen, have a good evening. Sergei...it's a real pleasure.

[Jon and Nicky leaves]

Yvgeny:
Someone should remind him to have them spayed and neutered.

Sergei:
[instantly shakes the table] SHUT UP YOU FOOL! IDIOOOT!

Jon:
Everyone loves their dogs, okay? Unfortunately, they don't love picking up their dogs' number 2. They don't care, alright? And that is why I am starting a brand new campaign called the "Give A [bleep] Commission". It's to encourage people to pick up their dogs' poops.

David:
Wait. Shouldn't it be called "Take a [bleep]"?

Jon:
Uh, no. Then people would just take [bleep] everywhere.

Mayor Executive:
I agree with David. I think "Give A [bleep]" seems confusing.

Mighty Joe Jon:
Okay, look, w-we talked about both. I think both of them work.

Jon:
Both of them work. We focus-grouped, guys.

Rob:
No, no, no. "Take a [bleep]" is more logical.

Nicky:
I think "Give a [bleep]" sounds like you're asking me to give you my [bleep].

Jon:
Hey, how about if everyone shuts up? I'm Dog Mayor. I decide what's going on. It's "Give a [bleep]", we made the buttons. Decision's final, got it?

Jay 2:
Yeah, no, I agree, though. That's confusing.

Jon:
JAY, WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE? Shouldn't you be back at the desk?

Jay 2:
I came to support you.

Mayor Executive:
Excuse me. Is that a fake mustache?

Jon:
I didn't tell the truth, and that could have got you killed.

Nicky:
Could, woulda, shoulda, gouda. Jon, you saved my life.

Jon:
I know.

Nicky:
And for that, I'm gonna repay the favor. There's a saying in the greek village I come from. "Vendetta is a a dish served better with cold feta".

Jon:
Excuse me. Hi, there. That's a really beautiful dog.

Dog Owner:
Oh, thank you.

Jon:
Uh, is he neutered?

Dog Owner:
No, he's not.

Jon:
Oh. Alright. Well, then, that gets you... [gives him a note] one of these. It's a new law. It's a mandatory spay and neutering, and that's $100 fine per ball.

Dog Owner:
Says who?

Jon:
Says New York's new Dog Mayor, that's who.

Dog Owner:
Man, go [bleep] yourself. A**hole.

[Jon as a Dog Mayor gets tricked for smoking dognip and then makes a speech about it on live television]

Jon:
I would also like to apologize to my constituents for lying to them. However, you should know it was my Dad who lied to me first, which caused me to lie to you, so it's his fault. And if you want to be pissed off at anyone, be pissed off at him, 'cause he deserves it.

Yvgeny:
Orange you glad I didn't say "Vodka"?

Rob:
[on phone with Susan] Mnh-mnh. I miss you more. Yeah. [chuckles] Oh baby, you got me all kinds of hotsy-totsy. Just can't wait to get out of here and go home and take a shower with you. Just a couple more hours. Alright. I love you.

Jon:
Hey, man, uh, you mind not talking to Susan like that in front of me?

Rob:
Hey, man, I need to be able to take personal calls.

Jon:
Hey, man, just show a little discretion.

Rob:
Hey, man, I have a life outside this job, you know?

Jon:
Hey, man, you're practically having an orgasm in front of me, okay?

[while talking about Jon being on a talent show]

Kim:
Hey, honey, this sound great. I can't wait to check it out.

Jon:
Uh, actually, you can't go.

Kim:
Why not?

Rob:
It's members only. They're very strict about that.

Kim:
But...

[cuts to the next scene where Kim's brother explains why Jon and Rob lied about Kim not going there]

Ryan:
Of course they told you that. Listen, I've gone to a lot of conventions with my siding company. These things are just big [bleep] fests.

Rob:
Kim, I assure you it's not a sex weekend. It's a government-sanctioned event.

Jon:
Yeah, I mean, look, if it's gonna make you feel any better, I'll check in with you a few times a day, okay? I mean, even when I'm, uh, A-GETTIN' MY FREAK ON! [singing] Bum-bum-bah, bah-bah-bahna, bahna-bahna.

Rob:
Actually, I have a little bit of a request. Um, it's a little bit awkward. I know I'm new here. Uh, I imagine you guys are gonna be making love tonight. You're not gonna see each other for a couple of days. I just ask that you keep it down. You know, I stand right outside the door, and you guys...get pretty loud when you get going. So...

Jon:
That seems like a fair request.

Kim:
Are you kidding me?

Jon:
Kim, come on.

Rob:
[to Kim] No.

Kim:
It's hard enough having sex knowing you're standing right outside the door. Now you want me to think about being quiet? What a jerk! Get some earplugs!

Jon:
Okay, guys.

Rob:
Why don't you get some mouth plugs. Loudy.

Jon:
Guys.

Kim:
I'm sorry. What did you just say to me?

Jon:
Guys.

Rob:
I called you "Loudy". You know, 'cause you're loud.

Jon:
Rob, sit down. Some of the loud you're hearing is me. When you hear "AAH AAH AAH"! That's me. When you hear [high-pitch] "Aah aah aah aah"! -- That's Kim.

Kim:
[to Jon] Okay, well, that's enough.

Rob:
Kim, I apologize. I was hearing him.

Sergei:
Mighty Joe Jon tells me Jon is going to convention this weekend.

Yvgeny:
I hear those are big [bleep] fests.

Sergei:
I was thinking -- Maybe you and I could take our own weekend off, have a good time. Call it "Brothers Weekend". What do you say, huh?

Yvgeny:
[suspicious] Why are you being so nice to me?

Sergei:
What? I can't want to do nice things with my brother?

Yvgeny:
Okay. What do you have in mind?

Sergei:
Oh, I don't know. I was thinking maybe we can go to...IDAHO!

Yvgeny:
[gasps] THE POTATO VALLEY?! FOR THE VODKA TASTINGS?! OH, MY GOD! It would be like our very own "sideways".

[Kim and Ryan go deep undercover]

Kim:
Do you really need to wear the mustache?

Ryan:
Yeah. We're spies.

Jon:
I just want to up the ante a little bit on my dance moves, you know. I've been doing a lot of the same routines year in, year out. You know, and they're all sexy, and I love doing that. I love sexy routines. This year, I'm gonna do more of a performance art piece, but it'll still be sexy.

[Kim disguises wearing a ski mask and vocal harmonizer to figure out what Jon's been up to]

Jon:
Hi. Can I help you.

Kim:
Oh, uh, yeah, I was just looking for...for...for your booth. [chuckles] Guess I found it.

Jon:
Oh, yeah. [chuckles]

Kim:
You must be Jon.

Jon:
Yeah. That, I am. And you are?

Kim (as Daphne):
I'm...Daphne.

Jon:
Well, Daphne, if, uh, you want to be in my big production number, all you got to do is ask, alright? You don't got to linger against the wall pretending to listen, like some weird psycho. [laughter] I mean, Daphne, come on. You're like, "Oh, here I am. I hope they'll notice me and ask me to be in the dance". [laughter]

Jon:
I don't know. You don't really have a dancer's body, so I'm guessing you're just here for the 'graph.

Ski Mask Woman:
Are you Mighty Joe Jon?

Mighty Joe Jon:
The Black Blond.

Ski Mask Woman:
I was hoping I could talk to you about "Delocated! Chicago".

Mighty Joe Jon:
Oh, right. Yeah, yeah. Come with me.

Jon:
What is "Delocated! Chicago"?

Mighty Joe Jon:
We're franchising the show. Buddy, you know, like "the real world". If you get killed, where does that leave me? Do a spinoff with Kim? Sorry, but nobody wants to see a show about the average-looking girlfriend of the dead guy from "Delocated!". [chuckles]

Kim (as Daphne):
So, uh, how about a-a drink later?

Jon:
Uh... [chuckles] Look, Daphne, this is not going to the bone zone. Don't get me wrong. I see this through your eyes. I'm on tv. You like what you see, right? But see things through my eyes.

[Kim (as Daphne) touches Jon's boot]

Jon:
Hands off, please. I'm looking at another sad, desperate groupie in a long line of desperate groupies that want to rock my rod. Look, even if I didn't have a girlfriend, honestly, you're just not my body type.

[Kim (as Daphne) gets a signature from Jon on his picture]

Ryan:
"Keep striving"? Even in his head shot, you can tell what a dick he is.

Kim:
I'm not his body type? That's so degrading.

Ryan:
Look, he might not be that attracted to you, but trust me -- He's thinking about banging somebody else.

Kim:
Maybe. But I'm not leaving until Jon [bleep] Daphne.

[after Sergei lied about going to Idaho and heading straight to kill Jon's parents]

Yvgeny:
You liar! This is supposed to be brothers weekend!

Sergei:
Yvgeny, keep your voice down.

Yvgeny:
You want to kill Jon's parents? You're gonna have to shoot your way through my heart, the heart you broke when you lied to me.

Jon:
Basically, at this point, I just sort of think of the ski mask as my face. I mean, put it this way -- If, uh -- If Karl Malden can get so much tush with that schnoz, I can get laid in ski mask.

[Kim (as Daphne) tries to seduce Jon]

Jon:
Uh, yeah, I'm not really signing autographs right now.

Kim (as Daphne):
[sexy accent] It's me -- Daphne.

Jon:
Uh, yeah. Daphne, um...I have a girlfriend. She may not be a 10, but she's a perfect 6.

Kim (as Daphne):
[sexy accent] Hey, this voice modulator's tickling my throat. I can think of one way to scratch it.

Jon:
Uh, yeah. I got to check in with my girlfriend. [leaves]

Rob:
Hey. Excuse me, Daphne. I can help you scratch that itch.

Kim:
OH, MY GOD!

Ryan:
[mentioned Jon] He cheated.

Kim:
No. But Rob offered to.

Ryan:
I told you -- [bleep] fest!

Kim:
This whole thing is making me feel so sleazy. You know what? I didn't come here to be rejected by my boyfriend all weekend. Jon gave me some sex toys for Valentine's Day.

Ryan:
La la la! I'm not listening!

Kim:
I took a pass.

Kim (as Daphne):
[sexy accent] Jon, this is obviously a big sex weekend. Why not just get in on the fun? Just tell your camera crew to take the tape out of the camera and flush it down the toilet. There's a great toilet in my room.

Jon:
Daphne, look, when it comes to relationships, I got to tell you, I'm a bit of a vegetarian. I don't eat cheap meat.

[after Jon heard that his parents were killed for real this time]

Mighty Joe Jon:
Jon, I'm gonna take care of everything, okay? We've got you a plane at 9:30.

Jon:
[sad] I'm not going anywhere. My parents are dead. And there's nothing I can do about that right now. But what I can do is I can stay here and I can win the talent show!

Mighty Joe Jon:
Jon...

Jon:
[sad] When I was 5, my Mom paid for dance classes for me, and I quit. This is my chance to pay her back for ALL THE MONEY SHE NEVER GOT TO SPEND ON ME FOR DANCING!

Jon:
[sadly eats a pear] THIS IS FOR MY MOM!

Ryan:
Last chance for Daphne to score.

Kim:
Yeah, I don't think Jon's interested. I was, like, dirty-dancing so hard up on him. Then he just left the dance floor, like a stuck-up jerk.

Kim:
[to Ryan's mustache] Ryan, you don't have to wear that while in the room.

Ryan:
It makes spying more exciting, okay? Don't take it out on me just because your boyfriend hates your body.

Kim:
Well, maybe it'll change his mind when my robe accidentally falls off.

[as Jon was about to forgive Kim for spying on Jon's convention, Rob comes in]

Rob:
Guys, sorry. Don't worry. Can't see anything. I know you're getting down to some grievance sex. I just wanted to let you know that I got earplugs, so I can't hear anything. Be as loud as you like. If you need me, I'll be right outside. But otherwise, don't even worry about the fact that I'm right outside the door. [leaves]

[as Jon and Kim were about to have sex with each other while wearing ski-masks]

Jon:
Go get the, uh, feed bag and the oats and ride me.

Kim:
No, honey. I'm not riding you with the feed bag and the oats.

Jon:
But that's what we're doing.

Kim:
No, that's not what we're doing, Jon.

Jon:
Yes, it is. You're Daphne, and you're gonna ride me.

Kim:
Daphne can ride you without the feed bag and the oats.

Jon:
What is the whole point of agreeing to something if, then, two seconds later, you're gonna disagree? You know what? Let's just forget it.

Mighty Joe Jon:
David stole a car and hit a homeless guy.

Jon:
[gasps]

Mighty Joe Jon:
The homeless guy's dead.

Jon:
What?!

Rob:
Get a 20 on Susan right now.

Jon:
I got a to call my lawyer, right?

Mighty Joe Jon:
If I was you, I'd call a teacher.

Jon:
What?

Mighty Joe Jon:
'Cause you just got schooled! PRANK! [laughs] I pranked your ass, dude!

Jon:
Yeah, you dick! Nice. Nice prank.

Mighty Joe Jon:
Dude, you should have saw the look on your face, man.

Jon:
Well, come on, man. I thought my son just killed a guy, you know? Give me a break.

Rob:
Not funny.

Jon:
What?

Rob:
That kind of screwing around isn't funny.

Jon:
It's a prank, man. Lighten up. It was funny. Pranks are hilarious. [to MJJ] This guy doesn't like pranks.

Jon:
Uh, excuse me. Excuse me. Can't flush the toilet?

Mighty Joe Jon:
If it's yellow, let it mellow.

Jon:
Right. Mr. Environment, this guy. Uh, let me drain the main vein, and we'll do this.

Jon:
Hey, man, I don't want to, uh, freak you out, but did you -- There's blood in your urine.

Mighty Joe Jon:
What?!

Jon:
Did you not notice that?

Mighty Joe Jon:
No! Should I call a doctor?

Jon:
I mean, I'd call a teacher. [pulls up a ketchup bottle] Schooled right back! Prank attack! Ketchup in your urine. That's a prank!

Mighty Joe Jon:
Hey, you know, we should talk about doing a prank show.

Jon:
Do not joke about that. I will do that tomorrow.

Jon:
Ever since they canceled "Howie Do It", there's been a huge void in tv prank shows.

Jon:
Something else that I think is going to kind of separate us from the other prank shows is I want to do some hybrid characters. For example, I want to take my gay and I want to take my italian.

Rob:
You know, maybe I should talk to David.

Jon:
I'm sorry. You know what? I think I can handle things with my own son, okay? Thank you.

Rob:
Yes. Yeah, of course. Uh, it's just that, um...when he texted me, he said he was pretty upset.

Jon:
Why are you even texting with David?

Susan:
[to Jon] Well, um, thanks for stopping by. And I'll be sure and tell David you feel like a total a**hole.

[Rob sees Darren touches Susan in the back of his hand]

Jon:
How's it taste? [chuckles]

Rob:
I-I'm not seeing things. Susan's [bleep] her new agent. Right?

Jon:
I don't know. Ask Darren. Isn't that what all you guys do, though -- Take turns [bleep] my ex-wife?

Jon:
[talks about the coffee shop which is a prank] This whole place -- Check it out. It's a working set. We got cameras everywhere. Little lipstick cam. Cameras in the walls. Cameras in the speakers. Where else we got cameras? Boom. Flower, flower, camera. Check this out. New technology. Cardboard, cardboard, cardboard, camera. Feeling tipsy, or are you feeling camera?

Jon:
[points to the plastic cups] Camera, camera, camera, camera, cup, camera, camera, camera, cup. Rest are camera, including the plastic sleeve. Why so many cameras? That's just "Jon He Does It"!

[Jon does a prank in a fake coffee shop, but goes horribly wrong]

Jon (as Coffee Worker):
What's up, milady? What can I get for ya?

Unsuspected Customer:
Excuse me? I'm not a woman.

Jon (as Coffee Worker):
Oh, right, man. Yeah. So, uh, what's up? What you want?

Unsuspected Customer:
Get me, uh, a medium earl grey with room for milk.

Jon (as Coffee Worker):
Alright. Medium earl with some room for moo juice. Good call on the Earl. Be right back with that, man. We get a medium earl? Put some cow in it.

[Jon goes to the Nerve Center]

Jon:
[to the viewers] Okay. If, uh, tea is what he wants, then "T" is what he's gonna get. [quietly laughs] Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh!

Jon (as Coffee Worker):
Okay, uh, here we go. Uh, got a medium earl with a medium earl. [gives the customer a T in a cup]

Unsuspected Customer:
Sir, what is this?

Jon:
Uh, it's your "T", man.

Unsuspected Customer:
WHAT IS THIS?!

Jon (as Coffee Worker):
Uh, this is your "T", man.

Unsuspected Customer:
WHY ARE YOU [bleep] WITH ME?! GO GET ME MY TEA!

Jon (as Coffee Worker):
This is your "T".

Unsuspected Customer:
[slaps the cup off of Jon's hands] I DON'T NEED THIS TODAY! I JUST LOST MY JOB!

Jon (as Coffee Worker):
[goes off-character] Okay, j-just be cool, okay. Look, look, look, look, look. [takes off the disguise]

Jon:
Prank show. Jon from "Delocated!". This is "Jon He Does It"!

Unsuspected Customer:
I DON'T GIVE A [bleep] WHO YOU ARE, MOTHER [bleep]!

Jon:
Alright, just h-h-ho -- Hold on! I'm going right here. There's a crew. Just look. There's a whole crew back here. We've got cameras, producers. Okay?

[as Jon heads to the Nerve Center, his whole crew disappeared]

Jon:
Guys? GUYS?! [bleep] Come here! Look, look, look, look, look. Right up here. There's cameras in here, and there's cameras in these muffins and bagels. There's cameras. You just can't see them.

Unsuspected Customer:
You're a dead man.

Jon:
No, please believe me! Come on!

[Rob rushes in]

Rob:
SECRET SERVICE! On the floor.

[Customer knocks out Rob and grabs his gun]

Unsuspected Customer:
Mr. Tea, Mr. "Delocated!". Say your prayers, a**hole.

Jon:
[sadly begs] PLEASE! PLEASE!

Mighty Joe Jon:
BANG! [laughs] PRANKED!

Jon:
...

Jon:
What's going on?

Mighty Joe Jon:
There's no prank show. That's what's going on.

Jon:
What?

Mighty Joe Jon:
You really think I greenlighted a show called "Jon He Does It!"? Now way, man! My god! Are you kidding me? [chuckles] I got you man!

Mighty Joe Jon:
What's that smell?

Jon:
Um...I, uh...you know, I got...real scared. I thought I was gonna die, and I, uh, got a little "frrt" in my pants.

All:
[laughter except for Jon]

Mighty Joe Jon:
BONUS! I guess that's just "Mighty Joe Jon He Does It!"! [laughter] Laugh at him some more! So stupid. So stupid.

[cuts to the next scene where Jon gets mad in the bathroom for what MJJ did to him while washing his hands]

Jon:
[pissed] That is not funny! You do NOT do to people! NO! [cries]

[after Mighty Joe Jon's prank]

Kim:
Jon, honey, don't punch the window. Hey, what's going on?

Jon:
Sorry. I just -- I can't concentrate. I'm just too pissed off.

Kim:
Oh, will you get over it, Jon? It's -- It was a prank. You love pranks.

Jon:
No, see, I thought I loved pranks. And I don't. Pranks aren't funny.

Kim:
Don't lose your sense of humor. It was funny.

Jon:
It was mean, and it was malicious.

Kim:
But that's what pranks are.

Jon:
I don't even know what is real anymore, okay? Maybe everything here is a prank.

Kim:
What? Maybe what is a prank?

Jon:
My life, Kim. Maybe me witnessing the murder was a prank. Maybe they set that guy up. Maybe you coming into the rage cage was a prank. Maybe you're an actress and the network hired you to pretend you're in love with me.

Kim:
Wow! Yeah. Yeah, maybe, uh, maybe Susan was a prank.

Jon:
Maybe!

Kim:
Maybe David was a prank.

Jon:
Maybe! I don't know!

Kim:
You know what, they couldn't PAY ME enough to be with you!

Jon:
Wait. Hold on a second. Hold on a second. Stop! Are you in love with me, or are you in prank with me?

Kim:
...I'm going for a walk.

Jon:
Exactly. Can't answer the question.

Kim:
That's right. [leaves]

Jon:
Exactly right!

Kim:
You know, Jon, first you spent all your time on the prank show, and now you're spending it all on the lawsuit. Why don't you just give me a call when you're ready to get back into this relationship?

Jon:
[chuckles] Whoa. Wait right -- Wait, wait, wait. So you're just gonna walk out the door, and, what, I-I chase you? I chase you down the hall, and oh, there's Mighty Joe Jon and a camera crew, and it's a prank.

Kim:
No, 'cause not everything's a prank, Jon. Look at you. You haven't showered in days. This is...I can't be a part of this.

Jon:
Kim. Kim. Kim. You can't leave.

Kim:
Really? Why not?

Jon:
Because you're pregnant.

Kim:
Wow. You have really gone off the deep end. I'm pregnant? And how would you know that and I wouldn't?

Jon:
Hear me out.

Kim:
Mm-hmm.

Jon:
You know how Mighty Joe Jon has been all like, "If it's yellow, you got to let it mellow", and we've been trying it at home? Alright, well, you've been all, like, hormonal lately and just mad at me, and I'm like, "Oh, something's up with Kim. I'll bet she's pregnant". I got a pregnancy test, and when you were sleeping, I put it in the toilet with your pee in there, and it was positive, and we are having a baby!

Kim:
Where's the pregnancy test?

Jon:
What's that?

Kim:
Where's the little stick you stuck in the toilet bowl?

Jon:
Um...oh, where'd I put that? Oh, I-I did it, and then I was like --

Kim:
Alright, well, that's no biggie. We'll just go to the pharmacy and get another test.

Jon:
No, no, no, no, no, no. H-H-Hold on. I-I'll get it. Here. Come here. Come here. You have a seat. You're a pregnant lady. Okay? Bye, mommy. Whaa!

Kim:
Oh, this one's supposed to be great.

Jon:
Cute! Hand warmers! Hey, maybe we should, uh, go home, have some unprotected sex.

Kim:
What?

Kim:
I don't know. The bird trim will work if it's a boy or a girl.

Jon:
I mean, I guess it's cute. You know, what we could also is go have some, uh, some sex right now. Bareback. What do you say? yeah?

Kim:
Nope.

Jon:
[phone message for Bryce] Hey, buddy. I'm having a baby, so, uh, I got to drop the lawsuit. [whispered] Not really. I'll call you later. Bye.

[Jon gets a postcard to see what Kim's baby would look like]

Jon:
What is this?

Kim:
Well, according to the doctor, it's a boy. [chuckles]

Rob:
Hey, congratulations, you two.

Jon:
Hey, uh, Rob, you want to wait in the hall, please? Thank you.

[Rob leaves]

Kim:
Jon, w-what's wrong?

Jon:
Kim, you can't be pregnant.

Kim:
What are you talking about?

Jon:
I made the whole thing up. I paid a pregnant woman to piss on the pregnancy stick. So explain to me how you walk in the door with this.

Kim:
Okay, look, um...Jon...things have not been great for some time now. You were doing the prank show. I never saw you. I was upset. I was angry. And I went to talk to Mighty Joe Jon about it. And, um, we had a couple drinks.

Jon:
Oh, my god!

Kim:
Jon, I am so sorry, okay? I wish it never happened. I was just lonely. I love you, but I have Mighty Joe Jon's baby inside of me.

Jon:
You know, it would be so easy to be angry if I didn't deserve all of this. Don't get me wrong. I wish you didn't have Mighty Joe Jon's baby inside you, but you do. Sometimes spermicides don't work or condoms break.

Kim:
We didn't use a condom.

Jon:
Please let me get through this.

Kim:
[quietly] Sorry.

[Mighty Joe Jon negotiates]

Mighty Joe Jon:
$2 million.

Jon:
Oh, I'm sorry are we negotiating?

Bryce Grieke:
No. [chuckles]

Jon:
It's okay. But I only negotiate with Negotia-sarus. Rawr!

Mighty Joe Jon:
No, Jon. I'm not gonna negotiate with --

Jon:
Rawr! $3 million.

Mighty Joe Jon:
$1 million.

Jon:
Rawr! $2 million.

Mighty Joe Jon:
$10,000.

Bryce Grieke:
Okay, hang on.

Jon:
Rawr! $20,000.

Migthy Joe Jon:
$500.

Jon:
Rawr! Deal.

Bryce Grieke:
No.

[Jon and MJJ shake hands]

Jon:
You idiot! I made you negotiate with a hand dinosaur!

Jon:
You know, Rob, when they told me you were gonna be my agent, I thought I was gonna lose my mind. Now we're a couple of bros in the hood.

Rob:
Now we're two bros in a pod.

Jon:
Couple of bros pulling a bros mose down the street.

[Jon learns how to speak Russian]

English Teacher:
[speaks Russian ] "Hey, cool guy let's speak English.

Jon:
[speaks Russian] Hey, cool guy let's get some...pizza.

[Jon still tries to learn Russian]

Jon:
[speaks Russian] Hey, cool guy, let's speak...pizza.

English Teacher:
[speaks Russian] English.

Jon:
[speaks Russian] Pizza.

English Teacher:
[speaks Russian] English!

Jon:
[speaks Russian] Pizza.

Rob:
AH, COME ON, JON!

Government Trainer:
CORE TRAINING!

Jon:
STOP YELLING AT ME!

[Jon exercise by doing some jumping rope]

Jon:
I'm gonna do this! Here we go!

[Jon did 4 jumping ropes]

Jon:
I'M DONE! TOO TIRED!

Jon:
Oh, hey, uh, you know what I was thinking about in the bathroom?

Kim:
What?

Jon:
[russian accent] Increasing the distance! [chuckles]

Jon:
Man, we really are gonna increase the distance, aren't we?

Kim:
Let's hope we don't increase it permanently, like 6 feet underground.

Jon:
[to Kim] You know...maybe tonight we should, uh, think about decreasing the distance...between our crotch areas.

Kim:
Sometimes you have a way of saying things obnoxious, it's adorable. It gets me.

Jon:
Yeah?

Kim:
Yeah. Let's decrease the distance. Hard.

[as Jon and Kim were about have sex each other, Jon felt something strange between his private]

Jon:
[gasps]

Kim:
No. Now what?

Jon:
Ooh. Ooh. Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo.

Kim:
What's happening?

Jon:
I just creamed. I just creamed. [chuckles]

Kim:
You're on the couch tonight.

Jon:
What?

Kim:
Good luck with the face surgery.

[as Jon and Sergei were about to do face surgery]

Jon:
First thing I do when I come to, I'm punch myself right in your face. Get it? 'Cause your face is gonna be on my face, and I'm gonna punch it. You got it? I WIN! I WIN! Ey, wake him up so I can tell him I win!

[Jon finally becomes Sergei after the face surgery succeeded]

English Teacher:
Say "I will spoon-feed Jon his own balls". And use your Russian accent.

Jon (as Sergei):
[russian accent] I will spoon-feed Jon in his own balls.

Rob:
Jon, this is a two-way micro transmitter. This will allow us to stay in constant contact with you and also hear everything that you're hearing at all times.

Jon (as Sergei):
[american accent] [singing] Ber-ner-ner. Face/Off was a movie, now it's my life, ber-ner-ner, I'm ready to do this. BER!

[David And Kim play Scrabble]

David:
Meatus.

Kim:
What is a Meatus?

David:
It's, uh...

[as Jon (as Sergei) kisses Kim]

Jon (as Sergei):
I almost creamed again.

[Jon (as Sergei) goes deep undercover going into the russian's social club's base]

Jon (as Sergei):
[russian accent] Hey, cool guy, let's speak English! Aye!

Russian Social Club Members:
HEY!

Jon (as Sergei):
I just want to keep practicing my English for when I'm a decoy. [american accent] Uh, yeah. I can go down the street and get some toilet paper for Jon.

Yvgeny:
I don't think any of us thought we'd ever see the day when Sergei would settle down. But you can't do much better than the youngest daughter of King Abdullah Bin Abdul Aziz Al-Haseem if you're going to take the plunge and get married.

[cuts to the next scene where Jon's crew are in the van hiding outside of the russian's club]

Rob:
Holy mother [bleep].

Yvgeny:
Sergei...

Jon (as Sergei):
[russian accent] What?

Yvgeny:
You really think I'm a cool guy?

Jon (as Sergei):
Yes. Of course.

Yvgeny:
Thank you. [voice breaking] Thank you so much. Really means a lot.

Jon (as Sergei):
I have to go to the bathroom.

Yvgeny:
HE THINKS I'M A COOL GUY! [crying]

[as Jon (as Sergei) kills the DJ to make sure he stays in touch with the russian group and finding the information about them]

Jon (as Sergei):
[to DJ] Sorry about this, man. Nothing personal. Great set tonight.

Jon (as Sergei):
Now what do I do?

Rob:
You just focus on the task at hand, alright?

Jon (as Sergei):
I want you to know I didn't fire my gun when everyone killed the DJ.

Rob:
That's good.

Jon (as Sergei):
But I have to admit it was a real rush. I didn't realize it till after I threw up that I had a boner.

Rob:
[chuckles] It's your first kill boner.

Rob:
Listen, when all this is over, you and me, we're gonna lay out on the peak of friendship mountain and we're gonna talk about kill boners all day long.

Jon:
Nice jeans.

Isabelle:
Uh...I'm not wearing jeans.

Jon:
I know. I'm talking about for when you are wearing jeans. My jeans. They're gonna be selling jeans right over here. Starting up a nook pretty soon. You should come back and check it out. See, they're not even so much jeans, they're JEAANS. Want some JEAANS?

Kim:
5% of the profits go to a Guatemalan family that the store sponsors. That's Miguel. [shows her a pictures of a kid Miguel]

Isabelle:
Oh, he's adorable.

Jon:
[spanish accent] He's my brother!

Jimmy Fallon:
My wife keeps hounding me about these new tortilla hats, saying, "Get me a tortilla hat! I want a tortilla hat". I'm like, "Hey, when are they gonna make a tortilla muzzle"?

Kim:
Jon, can you please not be eating every time you come in here? Or at least wait until your lunch break like everybody else does.

Jon:
Sorry. Don't open your store down the street from a cheesie toppers pizza next time, okay? Best New York slice.

Kim:
The owners of that store are pro-life. So you buying a slice is actually supporting people who murder abortion doctors.

Jon:
Well, any feminazis get a taste of this sauce, they might not care so much. Might taste them straight.

Kim:
Why do feminazis have to be gay?

Jon:
Pretty much a given.

Jon:
I had Danielle set up a meeting. I wanted to run some exciting business opportunities by you. And, um, I want to talk to you about changing the name of the store to Kim's Krafts as seen in Delocated!. You know, since all of this is basically happening because of my show.

Kim:
Yeah, I'm not changing the name of the store, but thank you.

Jon:
Alright, yeah. Whatever. That's fine. Um...I just figured the guy that loaned you the money for the store would have maybe a little more say in how things are run. But it's cool.

Kim:
Jon, you know what? You insisted that you weren't gonna make things weird between us because of the loan. So I just find this really unfair.

Jon:
I'm not making anything weird. I'm being professional, okay? I set up a meeting, okay? The only thing weird here is, like, this -- This stuff and all this -- This thing. Like, this? This is weird, this hat. [puts the weird hat on his head]

[Yvgeny and Sergei celebrates their Dad's birthday]

Yvgeny's Dad:
I never see birthday pizza before!

Sergei:
Is Cheesie Toppers Pizza, papa.

Yvgeny's Dad:
Thank you for present, Sergei.

Sergei:
I knew you would like, papa.

Yvgeny:
Now open this one!

[Yvgeny's Dad opens the present and found one mitten]

Yvgeny's Dad:
Where is other one?

Yvgeny:
Is potato vodka cozy!

Yvgeny's Dad:
Where you find such thing?

Yvgeny:
Jon's girlfriend Kim open new store. I also couldn't resist this. Isabelle wears one. It helps Guatemalan families!

Sergei:
Guatemalan familes. I don't care if it helps RUSSIAN FAMILIES! YOU SHOP AT THIS STORE! DISRESPECT TO PAPA!

Jon:
So, I mean, I just feel like this particular pattern -- It's a nice two-tone denim. It would look good for a boot cut, do a cargo pocket on it, two on one side, one on the other, maybe a red denim for the car--

Kim:
What's happening?

Jon:
Starting a line of jeans.

Kim:
Oh.

Jon:
It's called JJ Jeans. Mighty Joe Jon, should I hit her with the jingle?

Mighty Joe Jon:
Hit her with the jingle, Jon.

Jon:
[singing] JJ Jeans, yeah, you know what I mean.

Kim:
Great. What does "JJ" stand for?

Jon:
Jon's Jeans.

Kim:
Wouldn't that make it "Jon's Jeans Jeans"?

Jon:
No. I mean, yes. It's Jon's -- It's JJ Jeans, but it just stands for Jon's Jeans.

Kim:
Right, but if "JJ", like you're saying, it stands for "Jon's Jeans" and then is called JJ Jeans, that does make it "Jon's Jeans Jeans".

Mighty Joe Jon:
That's the same thing I thought too.

Jon:
It's regardless!

Kim:
So I...hope it's not awkward between us since I passed on your jeans.

Jon:
No way. Are you crazy? You actually did me a humongous favor by passing, so I owe you a thank you.

Kim:
Wow.

Jon:
Yeah, made me realize I should focus on my jingles. Check it out.

[Jon gives Kim a card]

Jon:
JJ Jingles. [singing] If you need a jingle, give JJ a ringle, JJ Jingles. Frrt!

[after Greg tells Kim that one of the people that worn tortilla hats from Kim's store were killed]

Jon:
[to Kim] I'm sorry, sweetie. Maybe we should revisit the idea of my jeans nook. You know, close the store. We'll put a mini door next to the nook.

[Kim packs up her store due to the people wearing tortilla hats killed]

Jon:
Kim, I'm sorry, you know? I feel like this is all my fault. It's like six degrees of Jon-peration up in this biotch.

[Jon disguises himself using a paper bag to mess up Yvgeny's comedy act]

Yvgeny:
I'm trying out some new jokes for the Big Cheesie Toppers Pizza Comedy Contest. If I had it my way, I'd rather it was the Big Vodka Toppers Comedy Competition!

Audience:
[laughter]

Jon (as Unknown Heckler):
Terrible! Not funny.

Yvgeny:
Uh, what's going on?

Jon (as Unknown Heckler):
Uh, what's going on is that you're not funny. That's what.

Audience:
[laughter]

Yvgeny:
Okay. Somebody get this guy...a vodka.

Audience:
[laughter]

Jon (as Unknown Heckler):
[forced laugh] Ah ha ha ha ha! Wow. Here's my impression of you -- "Blah blah blah, vodka. Blah blah blah blah, vodka", all of it not funny.

Todd Barry:
Alrighty. Let's hear it for Yvgeny Mirminsky, everyone, Yvgeny Mirminsky. That was his time, anyway.

Jon:
Baby, maybe you need to take a break from that pizza, huh? Don't forget, they're pro-life.

Kim:
I don't really care anymore.

Jon:
Sweetie, The Mirminskys -- They aborted your dream. I'm gonna perform a late-term abortion on Yvgeny's comedy career.

Yvgeny:
Nobody gets me, except you, vodka. Nobody thinks I'm funny. [puppeting his vodka] I think you're funny, Yvgeny. [normal voice] I need something fresh. I need fresh vodka routine. [vomits]

Yvgeny:
[puppeting his vodka] I'm your only friend! [crying] I'm sorry! I'm sorry.

Comedian #1:
You're not from around here, are you? Well, if I were you, I wouldn't go anywhere near...the lesbian bookstore.

Comedian #2:
Why do they call it "Friendly Fire"? If you shoot me, guess what. We're not friends anymore.

[Jon (as Unknown Heckler) meets Yvgeny in the backstage]

Jon (as Unknown Heckler):
What's up, man? You want another piece of this? Let's do it.

Yvgeny:
I was hoping that tonight please maybe you do not do so well?

Jon (as Unknown Heckler):
You serious? You're suggesting I throw the contest? 'Cause if you are, I would say you're drinking too much of this. [points to Yvgeny's vodka]

[Jon (as Unknown Heckler) participates in the comedy contest]

Jon (as Unknown Heckler):
You know, I, uh -- I know this is a comedy contest and that I'm supposed to try to make everyone laugh and tell jokes and try to win the money. But there's some things in life that are more important than standing on a stage and trying to get a couple of yucks.

Audience:
[laughter]

Jon (as Unknown Heckler):
No, no, I'm -- I'm serious. I may be the Unknown Heckler, but, uh... [takes off his paper bag] I'm also a person.

Jon:
My name is Jon. And I have a story that needs to be known. My sister comes to my apartment the other day, and I can tell something's wrong. You know, I'm all like, "Sis, what's up"? Turns out she's pregnant, but she doesn't love the father. She's upset, tells me she's thinking about having an abortion, and I'm all like, "Slow down, sis. Put on the conversation brakes here. I mean, you are talking about an actual life, for goodness sake".

Jon:
Go to the kitchen to get here some water, grab a bag of chips. I'm trying to open the chips, and, I mean, has anybody tried to open a bag of these things lately?

Audience:
[laughter]

Jon:
I mean, you got to be Arnold Schwarzenegger to open a bag of these things. Somebody call the crunchinator. [as Arnold Schwarzenegger] I'll be back...with chips.

[Jon was having the fun doing his comedic joke moments]

Jon:
Someone was trying to convince me the other day that life does not begin at conception. And I was all like, "Whatever -- All I know is that taste begins at the crunch".

Jon:
[as Arnold Schwarzenegger] Hey, predator, pass the chips.

Jon:
Somebody was saying that they don't think it's about the baby. They think it's about a mother's choice. And I was like -- [imitates crunching] "See -- I can't hear you over the crunch".

Jon:
Well, I thank god I live in America, that I have the freedom to come up here onstage and voice my opinion. Right. In other words, what a crunch-ry!

[Jon shows Kim what he buys for a $20,000 bill]

Jon:
Watch this -- Boom. [press his shirt]

Jon's Shirt:
What a crunch-ry!

Jon:
How cool is that?

Rob:
See? They put the voice chip in the t-shirt.

Jon:
Look at this. Boom ba-da ba-ba-ba boom! [shows Kim his website]

Kim:
Crunch Merch.

Jon:
Baby, when we sell all this merch, the Gutalias are gonna have a mansion, and we are still gonna have enough left over to dip our own wicks. Boom.

Kim:
Yeah, I don't know. I feel like you could have just, um, donated the money.

Jon:
I'm gonna make way more money. What are you -- Donate the --

[Jon suddenly get 2 buyers online]

Rob:
Hey, you got two.

Jon:
Look at that. Uh, Houston, we have our first merch.

Kim:
How much did you spend on it?

Jon:
I spent all my winnings, the whole 20-grind prize money all on merch.

[one month later]

Jon:
I can't believe I only sold two shirts.

Kim:
I know, honey. I know you're disappointed, but you know what? You can think about it like you're donating your winnings to charity, right? And that's actually a very noble gesture.

Jon:
You know, I guess -- You know, when you think about it, it's -- It's kind of like where you failed, I succeeded. You know? Really, you know, the more I think about it, I just feel like.. [singing] I'll do some good for Guatalias! Man, I wish Guatalias could eat jingles.

Pavel:
I guess that ace you were hoping for is Todd Buried in the deck somewhere, huh? [laughs]

Todd Barry:
Very funny joke. Yes, sir. Um...just put this on my tab. Alright? I'm gonna go do a set. Catch you guys later.

Pavel:
I hope you, uh, bury the crowd tonight. [laughs]

Todd Barry:
You know, I haven't heard that, seriously, since second grade. Seriously, that's, um, that's great stuff. Do you know about second grade? School -- It's where you go to get smarts. Then when you get smart, you get a good career, maybe end up in a film that's in the venice film festival and wins the whole festival. And then you hook up with classy women. But I'm sure you guys must meet classy women, being criminals and all that, not skanky at all, I bet.

[Todd turns around meets Sergei face to face]

Todd Barry:
Hey, what's up? I got to go do a set.

Sergei:
You no longer have tab. Debt too high. You pay immediately.

Todd Barry:
I don't think there are any banks open at this hour, and I don't think I can get $30,000 from an A.T.M., either.

Sergei:
So go home and get it.

Todd Barry:
No, I don't have $30,000 cash. I'm a civilized person. We don't have $30,000 --

[Sergei holds down Todd on the table pointing his gun on Todd's head]

Todd Barry:
What the [bleep]!

Sergei:
This bullet...going in your HEAD! Or Jon's head. Your choice, Todd Barry.

Todd Barry:
Jon's head, Jon's head.

Jay 2:
Hey, Jon. I see you got the scones. Maybe you could take me to the scone zone later, you know, like the bone zone that you're always talking about. I thought about writing that on the card. I, uh, got the basket down in Chinatown. There's a lot of cute shops down there.

Jon:
Are you done? Yes?

Jay 2:
Yeah.

Jon:
This is exactly how people ruin their brand new running shoes before getting to take them on their virgin run, okay? And how many times can I tell you that I [bleep] hate scones?

Sergei:
[shows Todd a sniper rifle] You ever fire one of these before?

Todd Barry:
No, I haven't. You know what? Can't we just go to a bank or something and get a loan?

Sergei:
Just think of me as bank, and this is interest.

Rob:
Hang on. I got to take this. It's my therapist. You know, I had this crazy dream last night, where I was riding this tandem bicycle with Susan, and then we drove through this, like, sticky rain cloud. And then she was riding me. I was the bike.

[after Jay 2 got shot when Rob wasn't around]

Greg DiPietro:
What you did, Jay, was brave. Very brave. We've decided to make you...an honorary member of the FBI.

Greg DiPietro:
[to Rob] And we've decided to make you an honorary member of the [bleep] up committee.

[after Greg angrily leaves from Rob by not doing his job protecting Jon]

Rob:
Well...that guy needs to learn some skills, am I right?

Jon:
Two strikes?

Rob:
Trust me -- It was nothing.

Jon:
I don't want people with strikes guarding me and my family, Rob. Unless we're talking about bowling, and then I want all strikes, but I'm pretty sure he was talking about baseball.

[after Jon leaves, Rob sends a threat to Jay 2]

Rob:
[to Jay 2] That should have been my bullet. Okay? I'm the one that should be getting the glory right now, not you. This whole thing makes me look real bad, my friend. One more strike and I'm out.

Jay 2:
So it was baseball.

[Sergei gets shot from his arm after being shot by Rob]

Russian Mobster:
Maybe you should go to doctor.

Sergei:
I NEVER BEEN SHOT BEFORE!

Todd Barry:
Well, you know, I've never shot anyone before. I got to say it was a rush, though. I mean, when we were in that car afterwards, I totally had a boner.

Yvgeny:
Bee-yoop! [laughter]

Sergei:
I remember my first death erection.

Todd Barry:
Oh, death erection. I like that. All these years I've been taking Viagra, I could have just been killing people.

Sergei:
You're a funny guy, Todd Barry. I'm glad you had boner.

Jay 2:
Do you have a nurse starting for me tomorrow?

Jon:
I did you one better, actually. I got you full-time doctor. [puts on a nurse hat] Paging Dr. Jon. Paging Dr. Jon. Code blue. Paralyzed guy needs tending to stat.

Jon:
[to Jay 2] I'm gonna take care of you. I'm gonna help you walk again, even if it takes until the day I die.

Jon:
[to Jay 2] Unless you die first.

[as Jon remove Jay 2's clothing to wash him up, Jon sees Jay 2's private area a bit more disturb than usual]

Jon:
[to himself] Okay, you, uh -- You can do this. He saved your life, and you are gonna wash that huge dong. I can't. I will not. You will. I don't know if I can do this. Clean this dong...on the count of 45.

Rob:
[on phone] Well, can I have an emergency session? Well, no, but I really need to speak to you. No, I'm telling you -- His dong is nuts. [referring to Jay]

Sergei:
Tell them I sent you.

Todd Barry:
Who is it?

Sergei:
It does not matter. You will be fine. They cannot see me like this. I cannot show weakness.

[Todd heads to the deli to collect something for Sergei]

Deli Guy:
What do you want?

Todd Barry:
I'm here to collect for Sergei.

Deli Guy:
Sergei sent you?

[Deli Guy check his window to see if Sergei is still there]

Deli Guy:
[to Todd] Don't I know you?

Todd Barry:
I don't know, probably.

Deli Guy:
Yeah, yeah, I know you. You comedian. You funny guy.

Todd Barry:
Thank you, monkey.

Deli Guy:
Monkey. [laughing] Monkey see.

[Deli Guy gives a thing to Todd Barry for Sergei]

Todd Barry:
Thanks, monkey.

[Todd gets back in the car]

Sergei:
How did it go?

Todd Barry:
Two boners in one day. It's a new record. Seriously, all boners aside, I'm...I'm enjoying myself.

Leslie King:
[on TV] I'm here at the scene of the organized-crime raid in Brighton beach, where somewhat known comedian Todd Barry was arrested for racketeering and carrying a concealed weapon.

Eyewitness:
[on TV] See him onstage, and you don't think, uh, violent criminal.

Rob:
Love Todd Barry. That's too bad.

Jay 2:
No news is bad news when it passes through those beautiful lips. [referring to the newswoman]

Jon:
Uh oh. Crush alert!

Yvgeny's Dad:
You did not rat us out. Your debt -- Erased. Thank you. Spacibo.

Todd Barry:
Yeah, but I don't really care about all that. I just really want to get out of here.

Sergei:
Don't worry. We have connections to get sentence reduced. You're out in 1 or 10 days.

Todd Barry:
You know what? Can we make it more like one? 'Cause, I mean, I have a-a tour starting tomorrow, and it's like 35 presold tickets.

Sergei:
First, you had death boner. Then, you had scared boner.

Sergei:
Did you get prison boner yet?

Todd Barry:
I saw a prison boner.

Yvgeny's Dad:
Bee-yoop! [laughs]

Jon:
Look, Jay, all you need is dong-fidence, alright? Dong confidence. Now, you've got the dong. You just need the fidence.

Rob:
Oh, sorry. Don't mean to interrupt the interview.

Leslie King:
No, not at all. Jay and I were just getting to know each other.

Rob:
Oh, uh, well, one thing I happen to know about Leslie is that she spent a, uh, whole summer studying abroad in Rome.

Jay 2:
Oh, really?

Leslie King:
Uh, yes.

Jon:
What, uh, what, did you do an IMDb on Leslie? [laughs]

Rob:
Well, I've done a lot of things on Leslie. We just started seeing each other. [touches Leslie's hand]

Leslie King:
Rob.

Jay 2:
Jon, wheel me away from here, please.

Jon:
No, hold on, Jay. Rob, what are you doing?

Rob:
Not doing anything.

Jon:
Oh bull [bleep]. You know Jay like her and you made your move.

Leslie King:
[to Rob] Excuse me?

Rob:
Look --

Jay 2:
Jon, please?

Jon:
Jay, shut up. I'm trying to help you right now.

Rob:
Listen, the heart wants what it wants.

Jon:
Oh, yeah? Well, your heart is a dick.

Jay 2:
Jon, please?

Leslie King:
I'm sorry. What is going on here?

Rob:
I don't know.

Jon:
Leslie, Jay has a crush on you, okay? That's why he's dressed sexy. I was trying to set you guys up. Rob knew all of this, and for some reason that had better be explained to me, he decided to ask you out.

Rob:
He takes my bullet, I steal his girl.

Leslie King:
Uh, Rob, I'm not your girl.

Rob:
Oh, Leslie, come on. You got to admit there's a certain...obvious animal attraction between us.

Leslie King:
Don't call me ever again.

Rob:
Les. Les.

[Leslie and the crew leaves]

Jon:
You know, I don't who I feel worse for -- Jay or the reporter for not getting to see that dong.

Rob:
Oh, oh, please, don't worry. She did fine in the dong department, trust me.

Jon:
Oh, yeah?

Rob:
Yeah.

Jon:
Prove it.

Rob:
What?

Jon:
Whip it out. Let's compare dongs right now. Let's go, man. Move, Jay. [unbuckles Jay's pants]

Jay 2:
Stop it, Jon.

Rob:
I'm not gonna do that.

Jon:
Let's go, man. Let's ese it.

Rob:
Jon, you're out of your mind.

Jon:
Am I?

Rob:
Yeah.

Jon:
Why don't you put your dong where your mouth is, a**hole? Let's see it.

[as Jon struggles trying to unbuckles Jay 2's pants to show dongs, Jay 2 has had enough]

Jay 2:
[bleep] you for being [bleep] to me behind Jon's back. I didn't steal your bullet. And, Jon, no one asked you to wash my dick.

Jon:
Yeah, well, no one asked me to stop, either.

Jay 2:
I wish I'd never jumped in front of that bullet. [to Jon] And I wish it was you in this chair.

Jon:
[surprised] How dare you. How...dare you! I dedicated my LIFE to you. You think I like washing that dong? I have to make myself numb to the world to do it. Where's my thanks? Where's Jon's gratitude? Who's washing Jon's dong? Nobody.

[one of Jay 2's feet start to move]

Jon:
Oh, my god, Jay, Jay, you're moving.

Jay 2:
I know. I'm trying to kick you in the balls to get you to shut the [bleep] up!

[Todd and Sergei does training in a shooting range]

Sergei:
You have become good shot.

Todd Barry:
Yeah, but it's not like shooting an actual person. I don't even have a boner.

Sergei:
Just give it time. All I have to do is think about killing someone and I get an erection. Bee-yoop.

Todd Barry:
That's weird, man.

Bryce Grieke:
Well, so, the estates have been settled, and the house in Idaho has been sold. And finally, both your parents were cremated. And at their request, they asked for both of their ashes to be, uh, placed in this -- This one urn. And their wish for the ashes is that they be scattered over the cliffs of Monterey, California, where you were conceived. So if nothing else, maybe you'll get a nice trip to California.

Jon:
[scoffs] Yeah, right. And think about them boning the whole time I'm there, spreading their ashes all over the place? No, thanks.

Jon:
How is it you guys think this is a piece of information you can keep from me?

Rob:
This was your parents' call, Jon, not ours.

Greg DiPietro:
We weren't at liberty to discuss any of this with you. But now we can tell you the story. Your mother had twins. Your parents knew they couldn't afford two children, so they -- They flipped a coin.

Jon:
Oh, my god. Oh, my god. They flipped a coin! [scoffs] That is insane! I mean...if it lands the other way, who knows what happens? Maybe I'm adopted by a military family or something. I join the Navy. I start flying fighter jets. Maybe I become like the top guy. Renegade -- That's my nickname.

Jon:
Renegade, Renegade, come in. What's up, Tower? This is Renegade. What do you got? Got some coordinates -- Saddam Hussein's bunker. Hit the turbojets. [imitates fighter jet] Drop my payload. Boom. Saddam Hussein dead, Renegade national hero. Headlines of all the papers. I get home, get laid left and right. Every girl wants to [bleep] the 'Gade.

Jon:
Maybe Katrina never happens. I don't know. We don't know.

Jon:
We don't know, 'cause of a [bleep] coin toss.

[Jon getting prepared to meet his long lost brother]

Jon:
Okay. Place look good. Everything look clean?

Kim:
Yeah. it looks great.

Jon:
[to his clothing] How about this? Does this look nice?

Kim:
Honey, you look really handsome.

Jon:
You sure it's not trying too hard.

Kim:
No.

Jon:
It's not too much?

Kim:
No. You look great.

Jon:
I think I'm gonna change.

Kim:
Uh, Jon...

Jon:
I'm putting on -- I'm putting on sweats.

Kim:
No, no, no, no, no.

Jon:
Yeah, I want to keep it casual.

Kim:
No.

Jon:
[takes off his pants] Can you guys help me find my sweats?

Kim:
Please don't put on the sweats.

Jon:
Need to find my sweats, guys. Can someone please help me find my sweats -- Would be great. Where are my sweats? Are you sitting on them?

Rob:
I talked to him on the phone this morning. He's very excited to meet you.

Jon:
What if we don't get along? I mean...what if he doesn't like me? Then what do I do? [heard someone knocking on door] Please help me. WHERE ARE MY SEWATS?! [bleep] WHERE ARE -- PLEASE HELP ME FIND THE SWEATS.

[Jon meet his brother for the first time]

Lon:
It's such a joyful moment to meet you. I'm -- I'm moved beyond words.

Jon:
So, what do we do now?

Lon:
I don't know. Should I take my pants off? Were you gonna put some pants on.

[Jon realizes he forgot to wear pants after looking for his sweats]

All:
[laughter]

Jon:
[happily] I forgot!

[after Lon gives tap shoes to all of Jon's crew members, Jon starts to feel concerned]

Lon:
What is it? What's wrong?

Jon:
You know, just...Mom was, uh -- Mom was really into dance. And, uh, you know, she always wanted me to get into it. I thought it was for fairies. I had no interest. Now you show up, and you're -- You're into dance. You -- You tap. You have your own tap school. It's like she gave away the wrong son.

Lon:
Wait, wait, wait. Whoa.

David:
Dad...

Jon:
She keeps you, she has the tapping son she always wanted. And I get to go kill Saddam Hussein.

Yvgeny's Dad:
So Jon...has twin? Very interesting.

Sergei:
Do we kill him? Or leave him be? I cannot stand thought of other person with Jon's face running around.

Yvgeny:
I could kill the brother.

Sergei:
YOU COULD NOT KILL A FLY! ONLY REAL MEN GET TO KILL!

Yvgeny's Dad:
Okay, Sergei.

Sergei:
[to his brother] I don't even know if you're a real man. I don't even know if you're a real Mirminsky.

Yvgeny's Dad:
Enough, Sergei. Don't worry, Yvgeny.

Sergei:
That's right, Yvgeny, I just tease.

Yvgeny's Dad:
[to Sergei] It is you who is not real Mirminsky.

Sergei:
[surprised] What?

Lon:
Before I go, there is something serious that I wanted to ask you.

Jon:
Oh, okay.

Lon:
I would really like to bring some -- Not all, but some -- Of Mom and Dad's ashes home with me. It would mean so much to me.

Jon:
Oh.

Lon:
Yeah.

Jon:
Um...wow. [chuckles] I think you got to slow down a little bit, baby bro. I know that'd your Mom and Dad in there, but it takes a little more than a week of hanging out and smashing watermelons to become someone's son.

Lon:
Are you serious?

Jon:
Lon, I don't know what to tell you, man. This is like Rob asking me for ashes.

Lon:
It's nothing like Rob asking you.

Jon:
Yeah, you know what? You're right. It is nothing like Rob, because Rob actually knew my parents, and he actually spent time with them. So you know what? If he asked me for some of the ashes, I'd probably give him some. I'm just telling it how it is. Okay, I'm the older brother. This is my call. My call.

Lon:
[grunts and hisses]

Lon:
Do you know what? I wish I never knew that I had a brother!

Jon:
Yeah, okay. Tap your ass back to Maine! Go on!

[Lon leaves]

[while the russian social club playing poker]

Pavel:
Hey. Wake up. It's your turn.

Sergei:
I'm sorry. Papa sent me a letter with photo of real mother.

Yvgeny:
What's that, Sergei? I only understand Mirminsky. [laughs]

Pavel:
Just open it, Sergei.

Sergei:
[to Yvgeny] You open.

Yvgeny:
Okay.

[Yvgeny reads their Dad's note to Sergei]

Yvgeny:
My son, your real mother...was whore. My good friend Vladimir...had sex with her many times. He die shortly after you were born. I felt bad for whore and take child. You are not blood, no...but to me you will always be...a real Mirminsky. Papa.

Yvgeny:
Here is a photo of your whore mother.

[Sergei sees a photo of her mother]

Sergei:
What? So I'm not real Mirminsky. So what?! PLAY CARDS!

[Sergei angrily leaves]

Todd Barry:
So, I guess I should just take over as these chips' new mommy.

Kim:
You know, I just -- I cannot believe you wouldn't share the ashes with Lon. I mean, you guys spent this really emotional week together. You could have at least thought about it.

Jon:
Yeah, you know what? My parents, my ashes. Oh, and my bull's eye! Boom! My bull's! You know, like, "My bad". "My bull's"!

[after Jon heard that his brother suicided himself]

Jon:
What is wrong with me?

Kim:
Jon.

Jon:
No, Kim, you're right. You were right. I may have been such a selfish a**hole...but I'm gonna let that selfishness be in vain.

Kim:
Don't you mean you're gonna make sure Lon's death wasn't in vain?

Jon:
That's not what I meant, but you're right.

[Jon makes a promise to his brother's request]

Kim:
What are you doing?

Jon:
What I should have done a long time ago. [brings out his tap shoes] I'm gonna tap his ash on home.

[as Jon was about to run to Maine with the the parents' ashes for Lon]

Jon:
You know, I -- I can't bring Lon back. But I can honor his legacy by taking lemons...and making Lon-monade.

[Sergei caught Jon's brother from the fake suicide moment on call days ago]

Sergei:
I want you to know you're going to die tonight. [shows a picture] This...my mother. She was whore. Did not want me. MY WHOLE LIFE BEEN A LIE! We share the same pain. I kill your parents to make Jon feel pain. I kidnap you so he feel my pain! And now is time to die.

Lon:
[grunts]

Sergei:
What? You want last word?

Lon:
Mm-hmm.

[Sergei takes off tape from Lon's mouth]

Lon:
YOU'RE WRONG! YOU'RE WRONG! WE DON'T SHARE THE SAME PAIN! My Mom flipped a coin. That's how she ended up with the a**hole brother that I have. I know how you're feeling, and you do not need to feel bad or sad or angry or whatever it is you feel, because you...are...loved! THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS THAT YOU HAVE PARENTS! YOU HAVE A FAMILY! YOU HAVE A BROTHER WHO LOVES YOU AND WANTS YOU! I NEVER HAD THAT! YOU ARE LOVED!

Sergei:
[voice breaking] I AM NOT!

Lon:
Sergei...you are loved, Sergei. You are loved.

Sergei:
[screams]

Lon:
Yes, you are loved.

Sergei:
[cries then transitions into an evil laugh]

Lon:
It's okay, Sergei. It's okay.

Sergei:
Thank you. [evil laugh] I feel better. [shoots Lon]

[when Jon throws the ashes out of the urn in his brother's grave, a tape recorder came out]

Jon:
What the [bleep]?

[Jon plays the tap recorder]

Lon:
I'm sorry, bro. I had a feeling you might not want to share Mom and Dad, even thought I'm clearly the son Mom should have kept. Call me when you get this note. We'll make arrangements to get you your half of the ashes back. By the way, I double-checked the records, and I'm the older brother. So frrt you. Lon. [tape ends]

Jon:
[scoffs] Well, I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the chip off the ol' dick.

[Sergei records a video to Jon]

Sergei:
If you are watching this...then you know brother is dead. I would like to have let him live, but I could not have another with your face running around. And now...your mother...is inside me. Now we are brothers!

[Sergei tap dances while dressing up as Lon and laughs evilly]

Jon:
Man, what else is on?

[Jon uses pencils as drums]

Jon:
Night Moves, Bob Seger.

Mighty Joe Jon:
I'm gonna have to revoke your network credit card.

Jon:
Unbelievable!

Mighty Joe Jon:
And I'm gonna need the keys to your Jaguar.

Jon:
I don't have a Jaguar. What are you talking about?

Mighty Joe Jon:
They didn't give you a Jaguar?

Jon:
No.

Mighty Joe Jon:
That's bull [bleep], you were supposed to get a Jaguar.

Jon:
You know, my parents had a B&B when I was a kid, and if they can make it work, then so can we right?

Kim:
Jon, I had no idea your parents had B&B.

Jon:
Yeah. I worked there till I was 10. Worked my ass off.

Kim:
Okay, nobody's saying you didn't so...

Jon:
Okay, guys. I think we are doing a very good with this budget, but we need to do a few more things. One of which, Rob, no more number twos for you in the apartment.

Rob:
Excuse me? Where am I supposed to go to the bathroom?

Jon:
Not up for discussion at all. Figure it out. Go to the deli or something.

Jon:
Alright, what else? can we do?

Kim:
How about we get rid of the cable? We, like, hardly ever watch tv.

Jon:
Absolutely not. That's where I get my hoops and hocks.

David:
What's hocks?

Jon:
Hocks -- Hockey. I wish I could save money on abbreviations. I'd save a tush-load of cash with some well placed breevs.

Jon:
They're gonna stop paying rent in two weeks, and I guess now we got to figure out what you and David are gonna do.

Susan:
What do you mean?

Jon:
I mean, I don't see how you can possibly afford this place.

Susan:
I don't pay rent.

Jon:
You don't pay rent here?

Susan:
No.

Jon:
What do you mean?

Susan:
What do you me-- The Network paid for it?

Jon:
Excuse me?

Susan:
And I got it in the divorce. I also got the Jaguar. Didn't you go over this with your lawyer?

Jon:
How...How is it that I'm the only budge vic in this whole thing?

Susan:
What's -- What is budge vic?

Jon:
Budge Vic -- A budget victim.

Susan:
Oh, oh, oh.

Jon:
No one else likes to pull a good breev around here?

Susan:
[to his husband, Darren] Oh, he does. He's really good at it, actually.

Darren:
I do do that sometimes. Kitch -- I've said "Kitch", actually.

Susan:
He called me, Suze.

Darren:
Yeah, Suze. I call her Suze. She likes when I breev.

Yvgeny:
I don't want to do just my show. I want to do other acting, other roles on the network.

Mighty Joe Jon:
Okay.

Yvgeny:
When I was kid, I did lots of theater. I played great russian train robber, Igor Pachenko. [acting] I am Igor Pachenko, the Great Russian Train Robber! Be calm, or I will murder you!

Yvgeny:
See? I want to be taken as serious actor.

Mighty Joe Jon:
Hell yeah, you should be taken as a serious actor. Matter of fact, you know? I just pitched you to be the new lead in Jewish Ghost. Yeah. You lost.

Yvgeny:
Mm.

Mighty Joe Jon:
Yeah, second choice. But you're in the game, dude, huh? Look, I got to roll. I'm on two other calls, but, uh, good meeting, alright, fellas? [leaves]

Mighty Joe Jon:
Hey, Pete, you still there? [bleep] you, dude. [laughs]

David:
Hey, Jon, they're ready for you on set.

Jon:
Try "Dad", alright?

David:
I'm just trying to be professional.

Jon:
You can be professional and also call me Dad at the same time, okay?

[after the shoot from Jewish Ghost that Jon played as the janitor]

David:
Hey, man, so, really great. Really great job. Um, I think we got it.

Jon:
Oh, really? Oh, I mean, you know, cool, totes. But, uh, you don't -- Y-you don't need any more takes?

David:
Yeah, no. We're good. Um, actually, y'know, there's something else we were talking about maybe you could do.

Jon:
Oh, yeah. Do some wild lines, right? Maybe me and the wolf man lay it down.

Scott Wolf:
Hey, man! Don't call me that.

David:
Uh, no. I was actuallly more thinking, um, you could, like, mop the floors, like, for real, and, you know, they-they'll pay you, so...

Jon:
Oh.

Jon:
Maybe I should cancel my gym 'ship.

Kim:
Your what?

Jon:
Gym membership. God, you know what? It's no fun abbreviating if no one else does it.

Yvgeny:
You know, if I was second choice, that means I'd get part if Scott Wolf got sick. Or worse. [referring to Sergei]

Sergei:
No.

Yvgeny:
Pleeeeease?

Sergei:
No. If you want Scott Wolf dead so badly, you kill him yourself. But you cannot do it. You are not killer, Yvgeny. You would have to become completely different person to do it -- Like acting.

Sergei:
Don't think of bullets as real. Don't think of blood, death -- None of it real. Pretend you are character, like on tv.

Yvgeny:
Like Jay Leno!

Sergei:
Yes, right. Like J-Lo.

Jon:
You know, we're gonna have matching costumes, and we're gonna make a video and the sell DVDs. You know, it's gonna be called Street Stretch.

Mighty Joe Jon:
Okay, wait. So want me to give you a time slot for an informercial, is that it?

Jon:
Please!

Mighty Joe Jon:
I don't know. David, what do you think?

David:
[on phone] Yeah, let me call you back. [hangs up] Um, yeah, I don't know. It doesn't really sound like the type of programming we're focusing on right now.

Jon:
[tired] You didn't want to call me Dad 'cause you wanted to be professional, is that right?

David:
Yeah.

Jon:
Okay. This is me being professional. Shut the [bleep] up. Okay, I don't need a kid telling me about programming, okay?!

Jon:
Okay, now this is me switching to being your Dad. I'm sorry I just yelled at you. I love you. Now please shut the [bleep] up. I'm trying to make money, okay? Okay? Now I'm switching back to being professional. Keep your [bleep] mouth shut and butt out.

Mighty Joe Jon:
Well, we had our doubts, but we've actually received a decent amount of calls about the DVD.

Jon:
Awesome. When do I start seeing my money?

Rob:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You mean my money.

Jon:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, WHOA, whoa, whoa. What are you talking about?

Rob:
I'm talking about Street Stretch, my idea. I figured you were just helping me get it done.

Jon:
No, we never had a conversation about any of that.

Rob:
Well, we also never had a conversation about you telling me where I could go to the bathroom.

Jon:
Rob, you and I were together when you brought up Street Stretch. I thought it was great, I loved it, I pitched it, I figured it was our idea when I did that.

Rob:
I told you about my Street Stretch idea, which I have had for 12 years.

Jon:
You've been carrying around this idea in your testicles, and you stuck it in my idea vagina, and then I took it, and it came out of me. [raspy] STREET STRETCH! STREET STRETCH! And I gave birth to the idea and made this happen.

Rob:
You touch this idea baby, and I'm gonna sue the [bleep] out of you. It's that simple.

David:
Always get it in writing.

Rob:
He's right.

Jon:
Look, I spent all my savings on this. I bought an RV.

Rob:
Yeah, I know. I was there when you bought it.

David:
Look, Jon. I was gonna shoot you and e-mail about this, but...you got to start paying your rent next week or you're getting kicked out of your apartment. Dad, you already have a place to stay, and it's all paid for.

Jon:
Thank you, David. At least there's somebody around here that understands that I'm the one that should be living in the sweet loft.

David:
I-I meant the RV.

[MJJ takes a picture of Jon's anger face]

Mighty Joe Jon:
That's going on Facebook.

Jon:
[maine accent] Say, there, welcome to the B&B. How about some cherry pie, there? Have a slice?

Rob:
Sounds a little irish, I think.

Jon:
No, that's Maine.

Rob:
Maine?

Jon:
[maine accent] Some cherry -- Taste you real nice, there. Say, there.

Jon:
Welcome to the Street Stretch B&B. I'm your host, Jon. This is, uh, Rob with the bags. Everything okay?

Husband Steinberg:
Your website didn't mention anything about the B&B being in an RV.

Jon:
Uh, yes. That was intentional, uh, because, as we all know, uh...people that like B&Bs are all about the vench -- The, uh -- The adventure.

[Sergei founds Scott Wolf in the restroom]

Scott Wolf:
Why are you doing this?! Please don't kill me.

Sergei:
Oh, I'm not going to kill you. He is.

[Yvgeny arrives dressing up as Igor Pachenko with his theme music]

Yvgeny (as Igor Pachenko):
I am Igor Pachenko, the Great Russian Train Robber! Stop this train at once!

Scott Wolf:
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Did Mighty Joe Jon put you up to this? Is this a joke?

Yvgeny (as Igor Pachenko):
I never joke about robbing trains.

Sergei:
FINISH HIM, IGOR PACHENKO!

[Yvgeny uses a long silk sheet to choke Scott Wolf to death]

Yvgeny:
And scene.

[David sees Jon as a homeless person after his RV got towed]

David:
Dad.

Jon:
[slurring] W-What's that? We got caramelized onions in the fridge.

Jon:
I'm homeless, David. Your Dad is homeless.

David:
My Dad is wasted.

Jon:
What, I can still do a Jewish Ghost cameo. OOOOOOY VEY!

Mighty Joe Jon:
Knock, knock, b*tch! Did you tell your Dad that Delocated got the Jewish Ghost budget?

David:
No, I made up a story about an RV company buying him out. I wanted him to think that he came up with the solution to his problems -- You know, make the star of the show happy.

Mighty Joe Jon:
Impressive. Maybe someday I'll give you a raise.

David:
Or maybe someday I'll take your job. [chuckles]

Mighty Joe Jon:
...Or maybe someday you'll be fired.

David:
Someday as in today?

Mighty Joe Jon:
Yep. Right now. Bye-bye, b*tch!

Sergei:
THREE CHEERS FOR IGOR PACHENKO, THE GREAT RUSSIAN TRAIN ROBBER! HIP HIP HOORAY! HIP HIP HOORAY! HIP HIP HOORAY! [laughs]

Ms. Lloyd:
Oh, hey, Jon. I didn't know you were coming by today.

Jon:
Oh, yeah, thought I'd surprised David with a little Dad pick-up.

Ms. Lloyd:
Actually, I needed to talk to you, so...

Jon:
Oh, uh, well, Ms. Lloyd, I am flattered, but I don't really think it's appropriate for us to bang bods.

Jon:
How was school?

David:
Fine.

Jon:
Alright. Classes good?

David:
Yeah.

Jon:
Awesome, man. You want to do, like, a father/son rap session -- Talk about school and stuff?

David:
No.

Jon:
You sure?

David:
Yeah.

Jon:
Oh, man, that's funny, 'cause your teacher told me you're skipping school.

David:
Oh, my god. Fine. I skipped a few classes to get lunch with some friends. Chill. Are you happy now? Really, relax. It's not a big deal.

Jon:
That's all it was?

David:
What a crime. Call the principal.

Jon:
Okay, I-I get it.

David:
Send me to prison.

Jon:
I get it! Relax. Excuse me for trying to be a cool, involved dad.

Darren:
Susan will be right down with the last of your things.

Rob:
I could have gone upstairs and got it. I don't know why she has to bother.

Darren:
She didn't really want you to our bedroom.

Jon:
Aaaawkwaard! [laugh] Eech.

Jon:
Hey, you know what? You could get a gay martian robot for a federal agent. It doesn't matter.

Susan:
What are you talking about?

Jon:
I'm talking about Darren moving in and you getting a chick federal agent. That's what I'm talking about. We all know you're gonna dump him.

Susan:
[scoffs] You're just jealous.

Jon:
Susan, the only one around here who's jealous is a-you, my dear, okay? It's a-you. I'm buddies with one of your ex-boyfriends, and it could not be driving you more a-cuckoo-a-crazy.

Susan:
Well, of course you're buddies. All of my discarded pieces of garbage have something in common.

Rob:
What's so weird about me and Jon being friends? Y'know, a lot of the nasty things you said about him aren't true. Anyway, my point is, overall, Jon's a good guy. And I'm a good guy... [to Darren] No matter what you're telling him.

Susan:
The only thing I'm telling Darren is to come upstairs and make sweet love to me as soon as you guys leave.

Gail:
Awkward!

Jon:
[laughs] Gail, out of the park!

Rob:
You know I meant it when I said that you were a good guy. I mean, we're both good guys, right?

Jon:
Of course we are. Susan always makes us feel otherwise.

Rob:
I know all the other agents who came before me -- They're all good guys.

[Jon stops]

Rob:
What?

Jon:
I bet they all feel the same way we do.

Jon:
First order of business of the day is Susan's new boyfriend. Of course, you all know who I'm talking about -- Darren Kelly.

Jeff:
Good guy?

Rob:
Good guy. Real good guy.

Jon:
Solid guy. I was just at Susan's recently, and I got to witness firsthand how he has been completely blinded by her charms. [sighs] Like we all were.

Chris:
Hey, hey, come on. If Susan could see us now, she'd see a roomful of good guys. If she knew about the Good Guys Club, it'd drive her crazy.

Rob:
You know what really drives Susan crazy? Doo-wop.

Matt:
Ugh, tell me about it.

Jeff:
Really.

Rob:
Oh, yeah, yeah. I bought her tickets to Sha Na Na, she told me to wipe my ass with them. I didn't of course.

[Jon and Rob check to see if his son skipped another class until he was just meeting his girlfriend]

Jon:
Oh, man. I thought he was, like, meeting up with some stoner kids or something, or, like, some hippies or religious freaks. Man! Whew! Thank god.

Rob:
Just a young man doing what comes natural.

Jon:
Well, let's just hope he doesn't get his heart broken. His cherry, on the other hand, good riddance. [laughs]

David:
Guys, what you're trying to is really transparent and annoying.

Susan:
Oh, no, sweetie. What was annoying was your father constantly working, and then he became emotionally detached.

Jon:
You know what, Susan? [bleep] you for not appreciating the life that I worked my ass off to give you.

Susan:
The life of incessant boredom? The part where there was absolutely no interest in the bedroom, lack of interest completely --

Jon:
Oh, there was plenty of interest in the bedroom -- On my part.

Susan:
Okay.

Jon:
On my part, okay?

Susan:
Right.

Jon:
I'm not the one who wouldn't spank your lady chicken.

Susan:
OH!

David:
Are you serious?

Susan:
THANK YOU FOR BRINGING THAT UP. How dare you?

Jon:
What? How dare I what? These kids are old enough to hear about lady chickens.

Susan:
Jon, that's enough.

Jon:
It's enough?

Susan:
It's enough.

Jon:
Really? Like it was enough for you to bang every single guy in the secret service who came your way? I'm sure you let them spank your lady chicken.

[Susan goes upstairs]

Jon:
[to David and Tatiana] This your future, by the way, if you two stay together. [heads to Susan upstairs]

Tatiana:
What is a lady's chicken?

Jon:
You want me to be the one to break the news to Darren that Jonny's back?

Susan:
Mmm...

Jon:
That was a pretty powerful speech, huh?

Susan:
Actually, the whole thing kind a-of sickened me.

[Darren comes back with the vase of flowers]

Jon:
Susan and I made out last night.

Darren:
Yeah, I know. It was the first thing she told me when I got home. Talking about it sickened her. I cleaned up her puke. But what I'm wondering is, did you tell your girlfriend?

Jon:
You can't tell me what to do, man. You don't own me. I'm not your slave, racist. Bet if this guy had a time machine, he wouldn't go back and kill Hitler. He'd just go back and get more slaves. Yeah, I'm right. Look at that. You can tell.

Susan:
It is very clear to me that this sweet, sweet man is the one. And that's why last night, um...I proposed to him after he cleaned up my barf.

Darren:
And I accepted.

Jon:
ROB!

[meanwhile at the Good Guys Club]

Chris:
I can't believe you kissed her.

Jon:
Hey, look, I know. I'm sorry. Okay? It was a moment of weakness.

Chris:
You're supposed to call one of us before something like that happens.

Rob:
Hey, hey. Cut the guy a break, okay? We all know how sexual and alluring Susan can be. That could've happened to any one of us.

Rob:
I wish it'd happened to me.

Jeff:
Me too.

Matt:
Me too.

Jon:
...Me too.

[after the Good Guys members annoy Susan with the doo-wops]

Jon:
[on his phone] Uh-oh. It's Susan! Voice mail! [laughs]

Jon:
Now, uh, where were we?

Jeff:
[imitating Susan] Hey! Shut the [bleep] up!

Chris:
She looked crazy, man.

Jon:
[on his phone] Whoa, Susan call number 2.

Chris:
OH, NO!

Jon:
Take it easy, Madonna. No one's desperately seeking Susan.

All:
[laughter]

Jon:
Oh, my god.

Kim:
What?

Jon:
I've got a ton of texts from Susan asking me to call her. I guess someone's still cuckoo for Jonny Puffs.

[Greg sees Rob wearing a Good Guy Club Member jacket]

Greg DiPietro:
What the [bleep] are you wearing?

Jon:
I can't just sit here and do nothing! I have to be out there, trying to help. Anything could be going on with him right now. He could be dead.

Mighty Joe Jon:
You know, Jon, after 9/11, the government hired a bunch of hollywood writers to come up with scenarios with which the terrosits would attack the United States.

Mighty Joe Jon:
It's an idea.

[after hiring the hollywood writers to do the job]

Rob:
Hey, hey, hey, you know what? [bleep] [bleep] THIS HOLLYWOOD [bleep] OKAY?! AND [bleep] THE FBI! Jon, this is a job for the Good Guys.

[Jon throws him a good guys club member jacket and for himself]

Jon:
This isn't a hollywood movie, this is life! I don't need a bunch of writers coming up with fake lines. I need someone to GET ME BACK MY SON!

[David and Tatiana shared their story of how they become lost]

David:
When it became obvious that our families didn't want us together, I decided we should run away.

Tatiana:
We stayed under a pier at Jones Beach.

David:
We were approached by a hobo. He attacked us.

Tatiana:
David was foolish, did not think we needed protection.

David:
For protection, I had brought a knife from Mom's kitchen.

Tatiana:
Thankfully, I had spiked brass knuckles, Sergei gave me.

David:
We managed to...get past him pretty quickly.

Tatiana:
David was crying and scared.

David:
He managed to get ahold of Tatiana.

Tatiana:
I pound his face repeatedly with brass knuckles.

David:
And I-I killed him.

Tatiana:
And I hear screaming and then nothing.

David:
But that night, we made love for the first and final time under the stars.

Tatiana:
David was still crying and scared, so...I take him by hand, and we walk together.

Pavel:
[to Tatiana] I'm proud of you. You kill your first hobo.

Jon:
[to David] I'm proud of you. You got laid.

[Jon and Rob found that the hobo that David and Tatiana were fighting was actually Chris from the Good Guys Club last night]

Jon:
I especially want to to thank Chris for drinking behind our back, dressing up as a hobo, and trying to scare the kids into going home. At least, I think that's what he was doing. I honestly have no [bleep] idea. In any case, we all know what came next. David got laid.

Mighty Joe Jon:
So, big season finale. Who's got a big idea? What are we gonna do? Shoot him?

Jon:
Maybe we'll do a thing about how Kim is having an affair with her ex-husband, who she just told me she's been e-mailing with behind my back. How about that?

Kim:
Nope. That sounds like a terrible idea. 'Cause that would be a lie.

Jon:
So you're not e-mailing him behind my back?

Kim:
I am, but I'm not having an affair.

Mighty Joe Jon:
Ohhhhhh! Shizit! [singing] Sounds like we got our season finale! Mm! Kim's ex-husband in the picture. Ah, shake your booty. Do it all night, do it all night. [scatting] Great ideas, guys. [laughs]

Mighty Joe Jon:
Oh, dude, you got a seltzer maker? [turns on the seltzer maker] [laughs] Sounds like farts!

Mighty Joe Jon:
Season finale, last episode. Need something big from you guys. I don't know if you heard or not, but, tuh, Kim's ex-husband's back in the picture, and Jon's ex, Susan, she's engaged.

Sergei:
I'm glad to hear Jon's life is personal hell.

Mighty Joe Jon:
Actually, Jon is, uh, getting along pretty well. If anybody's having a hard time of it, it's you guys. I mean, all this beating around the bush, killing everybody else except, Jon. I don't know, man. It's kind of making you guys look like pussies.

Yvgeny:
What about season finale for my show?

Mighty Joe Jon:
I don't know Yvgeny. I mean, just keep doing vodka jokes, I guess. It never gets old.

[MJJ gives an idea of how Jon would make his show a season 2 finale]

Mighty Joe Jon:
Ladies and gentlemen, Jon from Delocated attempts to jump over a shopping mall on a motorcycle for the greatest season finale of all time! Here he goes! [imitates motor whirring] Oh, my goodness, no! He clips the top of the building, crashes to the ground! And there's got to be a lot of gasoline! [uses a fire lighter] Oh, no! He's on fire! HE'S ON FIRE! HOLY [bleep] Oh, my god! Look at him burn! The ratings are going crazy, and the money is rolling in!

Mighty Joe Jon:
Hey, when are we gonna meet this Neal guy? You think he's cute? I heard he's got a nice slab of beef on him -- Thick cut.

Jon:
What, like his abs?

Mighty Joe Jon:
Mnh-mnh.

Mighty Joe Jon:
I got it. Both of you can attempt to jump the mall, and the one who survives gets Kim.

Jon:
There's not gonna be a motorcycle stunt, okay? Why are we even -- Why are we even talking about manufacturing an idea in the first place?

Jon:
Look, things are cool with me right now, alright? I got my seltzer maker. I'm enjoying that. Life is good. I don't want to push things.

Mighty Joe Jon:
Mm-hmm. Thick cut.

Jon:
Okay, life is, for the most part, good.

Mighty Joe Jon:
Fine, if you're okay with losing Kim. [puts his scent spray on and smells it] Mm! That's my scent!

Yvgeny's Dad:
Where's Yvgeny?

Sergei:
He is home thinking of cliffhanger vodka joke?

Yvgeny's Dad:
[chuckles]

Sergei:
Papa...I want permission to kill Jon.

Yvgeny's Dad:
I'm not sure. I want to keep drawing things out, keep making him crazy.

Sergei:
Papa, Mighty Joe Jon the Black Bond says the TV audience...thinks I'm a baby.

Yvgeny's Dad:
So what! Is Mighty Joe Jon the Black Bond your papa?

Sergei:
No, papa.

Yvgeny's Dad:
Then don't worry about what he tells you. Jon is not to die until I say so. Understand?

[after Sergei having a conversation with his father of killing Jon]

Mighty Joe Jon:
So, you get the greenlight?

Sergei:
No.

Mighty Joe Jon:
You know, um, we were having this network meeting the other day, and somebody brought up the fact that if your Dad gets shanked in the shower, you'd take over as head of the family.

[Sergei forcefully grips MJJ's neck]

Sergei:
I think you have godzilla-monster-sized balls to ask me to have my father killed. And I admire you for that, Mighty Joe Jon. [leaves]

Mighty Joe Jon:
I admire you, too. [to cab driver] Let's get the [bleep] out of here.

Jon:
Kim, I love you, and I don't want to lose you. Not to Neal, not to anybody, no matter how thick their cut of beef is.

Kim:
I can't believe we're actually engaged.

Jon:
Uh... [laughs] slow it down and back it up. Nobody said engaged. That is not an engagement ring.

Kim:
So what is it?

Jon:
It is a next level ring.

Kim:
What?

Jon:
We are taking things to the next level.

Kim:
Of engagement?

Jon:
Of levels. We're at a certain level now. Here's engagement. Here's the next level, okay? That's where you got to go before you get engaged, baby doll.

Kim:
But the top level is usually marriage, and the middle --

Jon:
Well, yeah. Marriage is up here. [raises his hand high] Here's where we are.

Kim:
No. Down.

Jon:
[raises his hand in the middle] Here's engagement.

Kim:
And the middle is engagement.

Jon:
See, that's the mistake a lot of couples make, and that's why the divorce rate is so high.

[Jon does the motorcycle stunt]

Motorcycle Trainer:
Today we're just gonna get you used to the bike, and then we'll do some training jumps in a couple days.

Jon:
Whatever delays the engagement conversation!

Mighty Joe Jon:
I'm psyched you're actually doing this.

Jon:
Yeah, I'm, uh, kind of [bleep] my pants right now, but I guess there's no turning back.

Doctor:
With that in mind, we've also made an alteration to his EKG machine. This switch changes the sound that you're hearing now to this.

Monitor:
[repeating] Frrt.

Kim:
So you -- Are you saying you have no idea when he's gonna come out of it? [referring to Jon]

Doctor:
Oh, it could be tomorrow. Could be 20 years from now. We just don't know.

Kim:
20 years from now?!

Doctor:
I'm sorry, but, you know, when in com. [chuckles softly]

Kim:
Excuse me?

Doctor:
You know, like "When in Rome" -- "When in Com-a"?

Kim:
[disappointed]

Doctor:
I'm sorry. It's a joke I've been trying. I should stop saying it.

Yvgeny:
What do you think of this, papa? At the end of the season, I will be buying a drink at the bar. the bartender asks what I want. The music's too loud, so I say, "Turn down the...vo-". We cut. Next season starts with me in the bar, and I say, "-dka"! Get it? If I tell the joke that way...it will be an awesome cliffhanger. The audience thought I was going to say, "volume", but I give it a twist and say, "vodka".

Yvgeny's Dad:
Seems like a twist if you don't say "vodka".

Yvgeny:
Huh.

Yvgeny:
Oh.

Yvgeny's Dad:
What is wrong, my son?

Sergei:
Mighty Joe Jon suggested I have you killed. So I could be in charge and kill Jon.

Yvgeny's Dad:
I see.

Sergei:
I did not, of course, but...I thought about it. I thought about killing you, papa.

Yvgeny's Dad:
It's okay. I would be upset...if I had a son who didn't think about killing me. Understand? That's why you're the best at what you do.

Sergei:
Mighty Joe Jon is telling everyone it was us. I will find out who really shot Jon.

Yvgeny's Dad:
I know you will. In the meantime, think of killing Jon like having a meal. We are still eating the main course. But very soon, it will be time for a hot fudge sundae.

Yvgeny:
We're going out for sundaes?

[MJJ opens up to Jon]

Mighty Joe Jon:
Wassup?! Listen, man. The network is up my ass, alright? They want to cancel the show. This is literally death to them. But, uh...Mighty Joe Jon, he pitched them an idea, and they loved it. [chuckles] We're gonna do a rating stunt. It's gonna be called Who Wants To Wake A Guy In A Coma And Become A Millionaire! Yes.

Kim:
No, you are not doing a stupid sweeps stunt with Jon while he's in a coma.

Mighty Joe Jon:
Well, I'm sorry you feel that way, Kim, but the network has power of attorney. That means we can do whatever we want to with him. Maybe we'll put his hospital bed on a motorcycle and have him do that jump. [to Jon] See you at the Emmys, sweepy-head! [laughs]

Bryce Grieke:
Kim, I hear you, it's frustrating, yeah, but he basically signed his life away.

Kim:
Well, what if Jon and I were married?

Bryce Grieke:
Well, yeah, if you were married, well, that would be a whole different situation 'cause you would have a role in all decision making.

Kim:
And what if Jon and I were about to get married? Couldn't I just, let's say, marry him while he's in a coma? I mean, w-we are engaged. [shows him her ring]

Bryce Grieke:
Isn't that more of a friendship ring? So, what are you talking about, like, uh, wedding ceremony in the hospital room -- That kind of thing?

Kim:
Yeah. Yeah. Is there a precedent for that?

Bryce Grieke:
Hey, there's a precedent for everything.

Kim:
Great.

Bryce Grieke:
Oh, next week, if he's still in the coma, I'm gonna come down and do the show. [chuckles] I'm gonna get right up close to him, right in his ear, and I'm gonna go, OBJECTION! [laughs] You know, million dollars -- Kinda got to do it.

[Kim does the wedding for Jon while he's in a coma]

Father:
Kim, do you take Jon to be your lawfully wedded husband -- To have and to hold, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health?

Kim:
I do. Oh, um, I made this out of a piece of your ski mask. [puts the black cotton ring into Jon's finger]

Father:
Jon, do you take Kim to be your lawful--

Jon:
No.

[Jon finally starts to wake up from a coma]

Kim:
Jon? Jon!

Neal:
Kim?

[Neal arrives]

Kim:
Neal?

Neal:
Hey.

Jon:
Neal?

Neal:
Jon?

Jon:
You're thick-cut Neal?

Kim:
Neal, what are you doing here?

Neal:
I've come to ask for your marriage. I know the timing isn't great but, uh, I thought Jon would still be in a coma.

Jon:
Yeah, well, guess what? I'm not in my coma, so maybe you should, uh, hey, uh, guy in the flute, would you, uh, take a break? Take five.

[Flute Guy stops]

Jon:
Like I was saying, why don't you get out of here?

Neal:
I don't understand. That black guy with the blond hair called me a couple months ago and told me to give you a call.

Kim:
Mighty Joe Jon?

Neal:
Yeah. That's why I got in touch with you in the first place. He said it would be a great season final moment if I ask you to marry me. Told me to go all out. So I got the flute player and the hawk.

Kim:
What hawk?

Neal:
It flew away on the way over. It was gonna fly the ring over to you. It was in its talons.

Jon:
Wow, that's too bad, man. That sounds awesome. That would've been cool.

Neal:
Anyway, um, Mighty Joe Jon led me to believe that you and Jon were through, but, uh, if that's not the case, I'll leave you two alone.

Jon:
Yeah, and take your flute man, get out of here. Go look for that hawk. Feed him your thick cut. I got thin cut right here, man -- Deli thin. [laughs]

Mighty Joe Jon:
Girl wakes up guy in a coma with a marriage proposal. Guy says "No". Girl wins a million dollars.

Jon:
What -- Million dollars? What are you talking about?

Mighty Joe Jon:
Look, Jon, I know you're bummed, but here's to a great season finale. I couldn't have thought a better way to top it.

[Sergei arrives at the bar]

Sergei:
I can. [to Jon] Just relax. Do not call for Rob unless you want him to also die, understand?

Sergei:
I'm sorry we have reached this moment? But think of like this. I have been eating meal for a very long time. First...was appetizer. Then...was salad. Then...was soup. Then...was chicken. Then coleslaw. Now that meal is over, I'm ready for hot fudge sundae. Do you understand? We have simply reached end of line.

[as Sergei was about to shoot Jon, he shoots Mighty Joe Jon instead]

Mighty Joe Jon:
[strained] Whoa. Awesome twist. [dies]

Sergei:
[sighs] Mighty Joe Jon. He try to tell me how to run my family. He try to get me to kill my father. He had someone shoot you on motorcycle and blame me. [laughs] Relax. I'm not finished eating your meal. [gets close to Jon's ear] Not time for dessert just yet. [leaves]

Jon:
[sobs]

Yvgeny:
Bartender...may I have a vo-- [ends the scene immediately]

Jon:
This behemoth behind me is T.B. Uncle Sam needed a little help in the old pockeybook, and, uh, hey, that was good for me. I ended up with a badass blackwater type dude.

TB:
The human pyramid at Abu Ghraib was my design.

Bryce Grieke:
Really?

Jon:
Yeah.

Bryce Grieke:
Did they have to be naked? [laughs]

TB:
[ain't playing around]

Bryce Grieke:
Oh. I guess...yeah, I guess they did.

Jon:
[to David] First Mighty Joe Jon, then Susan. I mean, who's next -- You?

Susan Shapiro:
I'm Susan Shapiro. I'm the president of the network, and I'm gonna be your point person on "Delocated!". How are you.

Jon:
Alright, hold on one second. Your name is Susan?

Susan Shapiro:
Yes, I know. I'm so sorry about your dead ex-wife.

Jon:
Yeah, I'm not gonna be able to call you that...for obvious reasons. So, we're gonna have to go with something different. I would suggest we go with your last name. If you're okay with that, I can just call you "Sharpiro". We can do a nickname if you prefer -- Maybe "Shaps"? Maybe "Shappy"? We can go "Shap Attack"?

Susan Shapiro:
I don't really like that.

Jon:
[singing] Shap Attack on the move. Come on. Chick-a down down down. Shap Attack is on the scene. Shap Attack!

Jon:
Homework. Little math. That was one of my top 5 subs. Yeah, you want to carry the 9.

David:
No, Dad. It's fine as it is.

Jon:
Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's wrong.

David:
Dad, you don't have to carry the 9. It's fine.

Jon:
Alright. Don't blame me when you get a "G".

David:
What's a "G"?

Jon:
Uh, "G" is one worse than "F".

David:
Dad, there's no such thing as a "G".

Jon:
Well, maybe you need to spend a little more time on math, and a little less time memorizing the grading system, okay?

David:
Dad, it's fine.

Jon:
Okay. No problem, Finestein.

David:
Don't you mean, "Einstein"?

Jon:
No, I mean Finestein. He was the guy that worked with Einstein, but it didn't work out 'cause he thought everything was FINE!

[T.B. appears and sees Jon falls in love remembering Susan as one of Susan's clothing]

TB:
Burritos are here. Good news -- They put an extra one in by accident.

Jon:
[sighs] Um... [clears throat] Good. What'd they give us?

TB:
There's an extra bean and cheese burrito.

Jon:
Oh, yeah, cool. You want that one, or you -- You want to take that one? Why don't you eat it?

TB:
No. You know me. I'll take whatever's left over.

Jon:
[sighs] Um...sorry. I'm sorry you saw this.

TB:
No need to apologize. Everyone has their own way of grieving.

Jon:
Thank you.

TB:
You need some help? You could close your eyes and pretend this is Susan's hand. It's not a sexual thing. It's a warrior thing.

Jon:
Yeah, I understand. I would rather do this, uh, I think, on my own.

Marie:
This name, "Knock, Knock. Who's There? Vodka" -- What does that mean to you?

Yvgeny:
It's from my time as a stand up comedian. Knock Knock joke. You know -- Knock, knock. Who's there? Moscow. Moscow who? Ma's cow died. I guess we'll have to eat our cereal with vodka.

Jon:
I just wanted to have another meeting because David...has been having a very tough time dealing with Susan's death. And I am wondering and hoping that maybe you know of a good counselor or therapist that you can recommend for him.

David:
Yeah, I'm actually totally fine.

Jon:
[sighs]

David:
I'm not the one who tried to give myself a handjob with a dress.

Susan Shapiro:
I do know someone. He's a life-enhancement coach, and I think he'd be good to talk to. He came in and helped us when our lead actor in "Attitude Stool" had some actual problems with his attitude.

Jon:
You know, if we put a flat screen on the ceiling, we could just watch tv like this.

The Glaze:
Jon and David will begin their new lives from here...like a pebble dropped into a pond, rippling outward. Think of the new experiences. The joy! The hurt! [laughing] The laughter!

Jon:
[laughs]

The Glaze:
The pain.

Jon:
[stops laughing]

The Glaze:
[to Jon] Can I see the dress that you creamed yourself with?

The Glaze:
On days of the week that you used to spend with your mother, I want you to think of him as Mom.

Jon:
Yes, and on weekends, I'll be Dad.

The Glaze:
Jon and I have discussed the possibility of him getting a little tattoo of a vagina right next to his penis -- Whatever will help you visualize him as mother.

David:
Yeah, that will not be necessary at all.

Jon (as Susan):
Well, have a good day at school. [getting ready to hug his son]

[David leaves immediately]

TB:
David's coming down.

Jon:
Well, I guess he's at that age. Doesn't want to kiss his Mom. [chuckles]

Sergei:
Yvgeny, where are you? Papa give go-ahead to kill Jon. We're heading out no--

[Yvgeny hangs up the call]

Yvgeny:
It's one of my men asking for permission to kill some guy. I'll call him back. [laughs]

Trish:
Power is so sexy.

Yvgeny:
I have to tell you something.

Trish:
What?

Yvgeny:
I have to tell you something.

Trish:
You don't want to have sex with me?

Yvgeny:
No. I AM A VIRGIN!

Trish:
You are?

The Glaze:
So, you had a little scare from the bad guys, and it shook you up.

Jon:
No. What shook me up was T.B. overreacting to nothing.

TB:
Would you rather be dead?

Jon:
You do the math.

The Glaze:
Now, we've clearly helped cure David. But there's still one person whose fear is devouring his soul. And if he doesn't help himself quickly -- Confront this thing head-on -- Then it's only a matter of time before he begins his swift descent into complete madness.

Jon:
Yeah, T.B.'s pretty tightly wound.

Jon:
Oh, my god. You're right. I-I have to sell this loft. It -- It's too painful for me to stay here. It's been driving ME crazy. ME!

The Glaze:
Yes! Now, that's the Jon I've been waiting to hear from.

Jon:
I mean, don't -- Don't get me wrong. I'm -- I'm happy to have my sweet loft, finally, but not at the expense of Susan's death.

The Glaze:
NO! I've just been talking to the Jon that's in here! [points to Jon's chest] And now I'm talking to the Jon that's up here! [points to Jon's forehead] What happened?!

Jon:
What?

The Glaze:
Shh! I'm not talking to you! I'm talking to you. [points at Jon's chest] I'll work with you for a one year minimum. $50,000 a month. I'll be available 24 hours a day. But don't you answer me here. I want you to answer me...here. [points to his Jon's head]

[Jon heads to Wang Cho Headquarters to get new protection]

Qi-Qang:
This is the man who called on the phone...he is offering us one million dollars to kill Sergei Mirminsky.

Wang Cho Elder:
This man looks like the cat I had when I was a little boy.

Qi-Qang:
He say most intriguing offer. But Mirminsky son very strong. What is your quarrel?

Jon:
He killed my ex-wife.

Qi-Qang:
[to Wang Cho Elder] They killed his wife.

Wang Cho Elder:
One day my brother fed rice to the cat...and the cat became sick. My mother was very cross.

Qi-Qang:
He say situation delicate. Our family cannot move without provocation. Our agreement must be secret or deal is off.

Jon:
Tell him...I agree...and I have much respect for the Wang Cho family and gang.

Qi-Qang:
[to Wang Cho Elder] He accepts our terms.

Wang Cho Elder:
I think this is the ghost of the cat. Make him leave!

Qi-Qang:
He say your wife will be avenged.

Jon:
How do you say "wall" in chinese?

Qi-Qang:
"Chong".

[as Jon pulled something out of his pockets, the the Wang Cho gang were suspicious and stand up immediately]

Jon:
No, no, no, no, no. [shows a picture of himself] Chong. Chong. For your chong. Huh? For the chong.

[while Yvgeny having sex with Trish, Sergei came into Yvgeny's apartment with important news]

Sergei:
Get dressed, Yvgeny. Papa's been killed.

Yvgeny:
[whines] OH, NO! I AM A MAN NOW, PAPA! [crying] I'M A MAN!

The Glaze:
I'm here, Jon, to help guide you through all your life's ripples.

Jon:
Lipples.

The Glaze:
What?

Jon:
Life's ripples -- Lipples.

The Glaze:
Yes. Lipples.

[Jon throws the pebble into the burning can as a pond]

Jon:
LET THE LIPPLES BEGIN!

[Jon sees the lead member of Wang Cho, Qi-Qang in his Susan's loft]

Jon:
How'd you get in here?

Qi-Qang:
Patriarch of Mirminsky family die in prison. Poor old man have slipsy-whoopsie in the shower.

Jon:
I wanted Sergei dead, not the father!

Qi-Qang:
To kill dragon, you server the head, not the arm. You paid for blood, and now the debt we sharesy-waresy. If I were you, I would consider paying another million for protection in the wake of these events.

[Qi-Qang look down on Jon's underwear]

Qi-Qang:
Is that a vagina?

Jon:
Yeah. It's my dead ex-wife's beav.

Qi-Qang:
[sniffs] Smells delicious.

Qi-Quang:
Welcome, Jon. Can I get you a tea?

Jon:
Tea? Does it come with a straw for my vagina?

Wang Cho Elder:
I have a burrito in the fridge. One of you took a bite.

Qi-Qang:
[to Jon] He say, you need not worry now.

Wang Cho Elder:
My name was clearly written on it!

Qi-Qang:
You are now Wang Cho protected.

Jon:
Alright. Yeah. So, uh...do I get some ninja dudes to follow me around, or what?

Qi-Qang:
The less you know, the better.

Jon:
Let's do that. That's smarter. Call of the day right there. Alright, I'm gonna take off. I'm out-skees. So, uh, sayonara. And, uh, I'll see you tomara. I love it, guys. Wang Cho protected.

[Jon leaves]

Meng Yao:
What the hell are we doing? This guy's an embarrassment!

Qi-Qang:
WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR FATHER'S BURRITO?

Jon:
You know, I got to tell you, I have never felt safer in my life.

TB:
Thank you, Jon. That really means a lot to me.

Jon:
Uh, no. I mean the Wang Chos. Ever since I hired those guys, I do not feel afraid to walk the streets. Hey, man -- Wang Cho.

David:
I feel safe around you, T.B.

TB:
Thank you, David.

Jon:
Cart guy -- Wang Cho. Wang Cho. I get it. Doesn't want to blow his cover.

David:
What cover?

Jon:
Undercover Chos. They're everywhere.

Pavel:
[to Sergei] You should be head of family, not Yvgeny. Why, because you are adopted?

Todd Barry:
Hey, Yvgeny, congratulations on your thing.

[Yvgeny raises his hand up to Todd to kiss his ring]

Todd Barry:
Nah. I'm not gonna do that.

Sergei:
Kiss the ring. Kiss it, Todd Barry.

Todd Barry:
I'm sorry I have to do this. [puts hand sanitizer on the ring before kissing it] Whoa! Can't put too much of this stuff on there.

[a Wang Cho member comes into the russian social club to give them a message]

Wang Cho Member:
Yvgeny, on behalf of Wang Chos, I offer my life as a sacrifice in place of Jon. Please, make it quick.

Pavel:
What is this?! Wang Chos kill your papa, and in return they send this nobody?! Forget this, man. Let's kill Jon.

Sergei:
No, Pavel. If we kill this man, things are even. If we kill Jon, a war will start -- A war we will lose.

Wang Cho Member:
You should listen to this guy.

Pavel:
Which guy? Me?

Wang Cho Member:
The guy who was talking about killing Jon.

Pavel:
I was talking about killing Jon.

Wang Cho Member:
Then I meant the other guy.

Todd Barry:
You mean Sergei.

Yvgeny:
I think he means Pavel.

Todd Barry:
Dummy, Pavel wants to kill the guy.

Yvgeny:
Are you calling me a dummy?

Trish:
Yeah, shut up, Todd Barry!

Todd Barry:
[mimicking Trish] "Shut up, Todd Barry". You're kind of dumb, too.

Trish:
I don't sound like that.

Yvgeny:
You cannot talk to her like that.

Todd Barry:
You guys are like a dummy couple.

Sergei:
ALRIGHT, ENOUGH! We will accept this truce.

Pavel:
This is not a truce. This man is not equal to your father.

Sergei:
No, he is not.

Pavel:
[to Sergei] AND NEITHER ARE YOU!

[Sergei starts to kill the Wang Cho member instantly]

Sergei:
It is done! It is over! Isn't that right, the new boss?

Yvgeny:
[paralyzed with blood on his body] Uh...yes.

Jon:
Oh, yeah, Jon, you're so big! Oh, my god, you're too big! OOOH, I came!

[Jon comes back from doing whatever kind of things in there]

Jon:
David could you hear that?

David:
[takes off headphones] What?

Jon:
Good. You'll wear those bone phones when I have women over. T.B. Tape meas. Thank you.

TB:
[to David] I might have to get a pair of those bone phones.

David:
Can I get a new bed?

Jon:
What's wrong with your old bed?

David:
Dad, you just got a new bed. Why can't I get one?

Jon:
[sighs] Let me give you a little dating 101, okay? I can't bring girls here and have the scent of my old bone stains spoil the mood, right? Understand? That's why I got a new bed.

David:
But -- But, Dad, I --

Jon:
Hey, you know what? Your old bed is fine. End of discussion.

[David angrily kicks a box]

Jon:
Wow! I can kick a box, too. Look. [slowly kicks the box] Look, I kicked a box.

Yvgeny:
First order of business -- Trish has designed some very cool labels for my vodka. This is why I asked for everybody --

Pavel:
Why are we not talking about killing Jon? WHY DON'T YOU ACT LIKE A MAN AND AVENGE YOUR FATHER?!

Sergei:
[to Pavel] What Yvgeny is trying to say is that vodka is important new asset to family business. What Pavel doesn't understand is that killing Jon Cho means war. And war means no family vodka business.

Yvgeny:
Yes. I agree! NO ONE IS TO KILL JON CHO!

Trish:
You guys, instead of Jon Cho, what if we just call him Jon Wang?

Yvgeny:
[chuckles] Jon's Wang.

Sergei:
[sighs] Yvgeny has spoken. Jon is now Jon's Wang.

David:
Can we have something else for lunch today? Honestly, we have had 'Skins every single day this week.

Jon:
No, that -- That's not true. We have not just had potato skins. We have had italian 'skins. We have had chinese 'skins. We've had greek 'skins. I mean, that is the whole beauty of 'skins.

The Glaze:
The variety, David.

David:
You know what? I want a nacho bar.

Jon:
Absolutely not. Forget it.

David:
You know what? I'm just gonna go get a nacho bar, no matter what you say.

Jon:
Oh, really? Where you gonna get the money for that?

David:
Can I have some of my own money?

Jon:
No. But tonight, we'll have mexican 'skins. You can get all the nacho cheese you want.

David:
THIS IS SO NOT FAIR!

Jon:
Did I or did I not just say all the nacho cheese you want? Where are you going?

[David kicks another box]

Jon:
Oh, that's good. Kick another box.

TB:
David, hold up! Where you going?

David:
I'm going to get lunch -- Anywhere that doesn't serve potato skins.

TB:
David, if anything's ever bothering you, you can tell me. And I'll strip it down and attach electrodes to its testicles and shock it into submission.

Jon:
How psyched are the neighbors gonna be for this housewarming party? Especially for that 6-foot party skin.

TB:
Very.

Jon:
T.B., how many 'skins you think I can fit into my mouth?

TB:
I don't know. Three?

Jon:
Nope. Four? Get it? Four 'skins. Foreskin.

TB:
[tired] Yeah. No, I get it.

Jon:
Yeah.

TB:
[tired] Yeah, I get it.

[Jon sees David's Nacho Bar moving in Jon's loft]

Jon:
Whoa, whoa, whoa! What is going on? Ho! HO! Hold up! What is this?

David:
This is a nacho bar.

Jon:
I'm sorry. Hold up, guys. How did you get the money for this?

TB:
T.B. gave me the money.

[Jay 2 arrives for the party]

Jay 2:
Hey, everyone. Am I early?

Jon:
Shut up, Jay. Go sit down.

Jon:
You gave my son money and you didn't even talk to me about it?

TB:
No. I gave a kid a loan, which he promised to pay back.

David:
Come on, Dad. T.B. was just trying to help out. He was just doing his job as my Secret Dad.

Jon:
Secret Dad? Now you listen to me. Is T.B. putting a roof over your 'skins? No, he's not. I am. Now, you're gonna return this nacho bar.

David:
No, I'm not.

David:
I'm gonna see you in court.

[Jon and David getting ready for court]

Bryce Grieke:
[to David] We are not engaging.

Jon:
A lot of nerve.

Bryce Grieke:
[to David] We're gonna walk by. Do not engage. We're not even here.

Jon:
You, too, Bryce. You should be representing me. You're my lawyer.

Bryce Grieke:
No, I'm the family's lawyer, and David called first, okay?

Jon:
Well, I hired you a long time ago. I should have dibs.

Bryce Grieke:
Dibs?

Jon:
Yeah. You, uh -- You might want to look up People vs Dibs.

Bryce Grieke:
Pretty sure there is no People vs Dibs.

Jon:
Well, Someone vs Dibs.

[Jon deadly stares at his son]

David:
[to Jon] What are you doing?

Bryce Grieke:
He's trying to stare you down. It's a classic negotiating technique. But we're not here to negotiate.

David:
It's just weird.

Bryce Grieke:
Yes. It is weird.

Judge Carol Chen:
So...we're here to dis...cuss the parental right for David. Is that right?

Bryce Grieke:
Yes, that's right. My client is seeking a legal emancipation from his father, who has a dishonest and dangerous influence on this young man.

Judge Carol Chen:
Do you have evidence of this?

David:
Absolutely.

Bryce Grieke:
Exhibit A. This is a pair of what Jon refers to as bone phones. These are for David so that he cannot hear his father having sex.

Jon:
Seems pretty considerate, your honor. I am very loud when I bone. [moans passionately]

Judge Carol Chen:
Fine. Thank you.

Jon:
[still moaning] Oh, yeah! Suck that.

Bryce Grieke:
That's what the bone phones are for.

Judge Carol Chen:
Mm-hmm.

Bryce Grieke:
Mm-hmm.

Bryce Grieke:
This is Exhibit B right here. This is the fully customized potato skins bar that caused --

Jon:
Boom!

Bryce Grieke:
Yeah.

Jon:
Check it out! That thing is mint.

Bryce Grieke:
Maybe.

Jon:
Cherry.

Bryce Grieke:
Well, the issue here is that the bulk of Jon's fortune comes from an insurance policy which was willed to David by his late mother. So, legally, Jon can only spend that money if it's to provide care for David. Now, I don't see how that's accomplished with a, uh...customized potato skins bar.

Jon:
Your honor, may I approach the bench, please?

Judge Carol Chen:
There's no bench.

Jon:
May I have a side bench, please? Side bench. Your honor, I'm sorry. Look, we both know how justice works in Chinesetown, and I think we need to move this along so we can all Wang Cho tonight. Right?

Jon:
So, um, I will respectfully bow to any verdict you lay down for either side so that we may nip this case in the bud.

Judge Carol Chen:
I rule in favor of the plaintiff.

Jon:
Yeah.

Judge Carol Chen:
I grant full emancipation, and that includes all finances.

Jon:
Tough break, guys. Maybe next time.

Judge Carol Chen:
I rule in favor of the plaintiff.

Jon:
Plaintiff.